Side 2

Characters, Brad, Janet

BRAD. Hmmm.
JANET. What's the matter, Brad darling?
BRAD. I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back there. We'd better go on ahead up
the road and see if we can find our way back. (They move off. BLOW-OUT.) Oh darn! Janet.
JANET. What was that bang?
BRAD. We seem to have a blow-out in the front left-hand tire.
JANET. Oh ...
BRAD. You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.
JANET. But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.
BRAD. Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a
telephone I might use.
JANET. I'm coming with you.
BRAD. There's no point in both of us getting wet.
JANET. I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner of the phone may be a beautiful
woman, and you may never come back.
BRAD. Ha Ha Ha.

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 Side 3
Characters, Riff Raff, Janet, Brad, Magenta, Columbia
RIFF RAFF. Wait here.
BRAD. (TO RIFF RAFF as he exits.) Excuse me.
JANET. Oh Brad what sort of a place is this - I'm frightened.
BRAD. It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos - but you're shivering.
JANET. Yes I'm wet.
BRAD. Look, feel this - there's hot air coming from this grille in the wall - take off your
sweater and dry it here. Mi keep a look out for the undertaker.
JANET. (Screams as sweater is snatched from her by hand through grill.) Oh!
BRAD. For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. I'm here - there's nothing to worry
about. Here dry my coat too.
JANET. O.K. (RIFF RAFF, COLUMBIA and MAGENTA enter. JANET screams.) Agghhh!!!
BRAD. It's alright, Janet. Excuse me, hi, look if I could just use your phone, we'll move right
along - I'm sure you've got a lot of things to do and a great evening planned.
RIFF RAFF. Oh yes, you've arrived on a rather special night, the master is having one of his
affairs.
JANET. Lucky old him.
MAGENTA. Yeah - he's lucky - I'm lucky - you're lucky - we're all lucky ....
COLUMBIA. All except Eddie.
RIFF RAFF. SSHHH!!!
JANET. Eddie?
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. SSHHH!!!
MAGENTA. The delivery boy.
COLUMBIA. His delivery wasn't good enough.
RIFF RAFF. The master only wanted to help the boy better his position.
BRAD. That's very commendable ...
RIFF RAFF. Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went ...
JANET. Where?
MAGENTA. To pieces.
RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. Ha На На.

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 Side 4
Characters, Frank, Brad, Janet,
FRANK. Unlock a mind - unmind a lock - it's the same as the beginning of the end - do you
follow?
JANET. No.
BRAD. It's an anagram, Janet.
FRANK. I wonder, may I offer you something refreshing?
BRAD & JANET. No.
FRANK. No. You're right, I won't - how delightful to have fresh faces around. Magenta -
Columbia - go and assist Riff Raff - I will entertain - Ahh.
BRAD. Brad Majors.
FRANK. Brad Majors.
BRAD. And this is my fiancée Janet Weiss. (He pronounces it "Vice".)
JANET. Weiss.
BRAD. Weiss.
FRANK. Enchanted. How nice - and what charming under-clothes you both have... We don't
often receive visitors here, let alone show them hospitality.
BRAD. Hospitality! All we wanted was to use your phone, a reasonable request which you
have chosen to ignore.
JANET. Don't be ungrateful, Brad.
BRAD. Ungrateful!
FRANK. How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example of manhood - so dominant -
you must be very proud, Janet.
JANET. Yes.
FRANK. Tonight Brad and Janet, you are to witness a new breakthrough in Biochemical
research and paradise is to be mine ...
JANET. Oh how wonderful for you.
FRANK. Yes. It was strange the way it happened... one of those quirks of fate really ... one of
those moments

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 Side 6
Characters, Columbia, Scotty, Brad, Frank,

COLUMBIA. Hi - Ho - Silver.
BRAD. Dr. Scott!
SCOTTY. Brad - what are you doing here?
FRANK. Don't play games, Dr. Scott. It was part of your plan, was it not, that Brad Majors and his
female should check the layout for you - unfortunately for you all there is to be a change of plans -
I'm sure you're adaptable,
Scott - I know Brad is.
SCOTTY. I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. As does
the set up you have here - I didn't expect it to be quite so ...
(He goes to inspect laboratory.)
FRANK. Sophisticated - Dr. Scott? Or should I say Dr. Von Scott?
BRAD. What exactly are you implying?
SCOTTY. They didn't prove nothing! Ah - this machine here ...
BRAD. What do you think it is, Doc?
SCOTTY. At this precise moment it's hard to tell - but it seems to be made of a metal that is not of
this earth - I would say it was from another planet.
(JANET and ROCKY are revealed in lab.)
(The following dialogue should be repeated exactly the same each time.)
JANET. Brad!
SCOTTY. Janet!
FRANK. Rocky!
JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!
SCOTTY. Janet!
FRANK. Rocky!
JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!
SCOTTY. Janet!
FRANK. Rocky!
JANET. Dr. Scott!
FRANK. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky!
ROCKY. Piss off.
FRANK. Listen - I made him and I can break him just as easily - I'll pull his plug out.
SCOTTY. I suppose you intend to do with us as you did for Eddie.
BRAD. Eddie - I've seen him, he looks terrible.
FRANK. What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?