Have there ever been times when you have looked at your child and

just felt so different from them? Have you ever been left wondering
what tree did they did in fact fall from?

Writer, activist and Psychiatrist, Andrew Solomon has recognised the

commonality of these feelings amongst parents and families in his book
‘Far From The Tree’ and discusses how negotiating difference within
families is a universal phenomenon.

While the diversity and uniqueness of all humans provides the rich
tapestry of the world we live in, feeling very different to our own
children can be a challenge to embrace and can cause friction in families.
Common challenges include negotiating routines and family structures,
finding things all family members enjoy doing together and questioning
your parenting abilities and capabilities. Often parents at the Clinic stress
that it is not the love for their child that is lacking but the ability to
accept their child and enjoy their uniqueness that poses the challenge.

Acceptance in parenting can be conceptualised as being able to see and

acknowledge the uniqueness in your child, without pressing for this to
change, as Andrew Solomon states, it is “finding the light in your child
and seeing it there” (Solomon, 2014). This doesn’t mean that we don’t
strive to shape our children’s behaviour, educational outcomes, sporting
ability etc, but rather, we accept and validate with warmth their unique
personality, we love them for being them.

Studies consistently tell us that children who feel accepted by their

parents have a better more secure relationship with their parents, a
heightened sense of family connectedness, higher self esteem and fewer
psychosocial challenges, such as anxiety and depression (Ansari &
Qureshi, 2013; Dwairy, 2010). The heartening news is that acceptance is
something which can be learnt and developed over time.

Assess your own expectations

One of the biggest blocks to being able to accept your child is holding
onto unrealistic expectations of your child and yourself. Some common
expectations include “my child should be academic”, “to be successful

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my child must focus and work hard”, “it is not normal to be so fussy”, “I
am a bad parent if I don’t like spending time with my child”. Statements
that include “should”, “must”, “meant”, “not normal”, “bad parent” will
invoke stress, anxiety and often anger, and typically do not reflect the
true reality of the situation.

Most parents can agree that having a happy child that achieves within
their capabilities, academically, socially, physically and emotionally, is
their hope and dream. Just because your child is not like you doesn’t
mean that they are not valuable and certainly doesn’t mean that you have
failed in your role as a parent in any way.

Replace these statements with more helpful and realistic statements, like
“my child may not be academic but they have other skills”, “being
successful is finding a happy balance”, “most children can be fussy”, “all
people are unique and so is my child” and “I am a normal parent
experiencing common thoughts among parents”.

Most parents don’t have mini-clones of themselves and most experience

the challenges of raising unique children at some stage.

Become a child- scientist

Acceptance is fostered through understanding and knowing. Get to know
what makes your child tick, what they love doing, what interests them,
who they feel close to, what they want you to be doing with them. A
helpful way to elicit this information is to discuss these questions during
parallel communication times (ie. when you’re talking but not face to
face) such as in the car, taking a walk, playing a game or at bedtime).

For younger children, drawing can be helpful. A lovely activity to do

together is draw a world and put all the people that are in their world onto
the picture (you can write or draw). Using stickers, you can then identify

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 people who love them (heart stickers), people who are good to talk to (dot
stickers), people who are good to have fun with (star stickers) and people
who help them (triangle stickers) (Lowenstein, 1999). Use this
information to develop and strengthen your child’s support network.

Take turns in doing things together that you and your child enjoy and
make time in your schedules to have fun together. Make space in your
house to cater for your child, whether it be a spot for lego, music, games
or special interest books. It can also be helpful to have a family friend
whom you can enlist as a support person for your child and who can also
take an interest in your child’s life.

Become a mindful parent

Mindful parenting focuses on developing awareness around interactions
with your child through focusing your attention on your child’s needs in a
particular moment whilst regulating your own emotions (Duncan,
Coatsworth, D & Greenberg, M., 2009). Being in tune with your child is
likely to help your child feel accepted and valued. While mindful
parenting sounds difficult to achieve, there are some steps you can take to
help develop your skills in this area.

1. Listen with your full attention: focus on what your child is

communicating to you, what words are they using? what facial
expressions do they have? look them in the eye, down at their level and
show them that you can hear them. Active listening helps parents
understand the needs and meaning behind behaviour.

2. Communicate: reflect back to the child what you hear them saying. Try
and not make judgements here, just reflect what you can see and hear. For
example, “you are feeling very angry because your brother used your
special cup”. This can help your child build awareness of their own
behaviours and acknowledge you are listening and hearing them.

3. Help your child label their emotions: it is important for children to be

aware of the emotions they are feeling as it can really help them make
conscious choices about how to respond to them. For example, parents

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 may say “ it looks like you are angry because I can see your fists tensing
up, your face looking red and you are shouting”.

4. Demonstrate self regulation and compassion: Pausing before your own

reaction and teaching your child to do the same (eg. count to 10 before
reacting or blowing out 3 breaths to blow off the anger) can help to limit
unplanned and heated arguments or words that can impact negatively on
children and parents. Showing empathetic concern towards your child
shows them that you love them despite the situation and demonstrates
your acceptance despite the behaviour. Following on from this process,
behaviour can then be addressed through using calming strategies,
timeout and removal of privileges in a calm and planned manner.

Warmth and Praise

Feeling accepted comes from feeling validated as a person. Warmly
validating your child on a daily basis can improve relationships,
behaviour and family connectedness. Some helpful ways to validate your
child include:

1. making a photo wall of all the things you like about them and what they
do. For example, taking photos of them hugging their sister, playing their
lego and of family outings can help your child know that you notice and
feel happy about special things they do or may be interested in. You can
write in captions and put the date on the photos to elicit more meaningful
memories of the special time/ activity/ quality.

2. use plenty of specific praise: tell your child you love them and praise
specifically every day. For example, “I loved how you noticed when
mummy felt unwell and thought to get her some tissues”. This tells the
child exactly what things you have noticed and loved about them.

3. make a Brag Book (Lowenstein, 1999): at the end of every day, write one
praise point in your child’s book that you can read together before bed.
Again, make the praise specific. This book can be a concrete reminder to
your child that you love and accept them.
—

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Managing “Naughty” Behaviour:

Children are more likely to behave the way we would like them to when
we create an environment that reduces opportunities for challenging
behaviour. This means an environment that is rich in age appropriate,
stimulating experiences but also one that minimises “triggers” for
challenging behaviours like tantrums, aggression and defiance. The most
important part of a child’s environment are the relationships that inhabit
it.

Relationships that are built on warmth and mutual respect will teach
children prosocial behaviour and encourage them to live up to our
expectations. Prevention is better than cure so with a few measures in
place, an environment can be created in which behavioural challenges are
less likely to arise and we can be better prepared to respond when they
do. So how do we create this environment?

Set clear rules and boundaries

Rules that are clear, reasonable and meaningful, help children to
understand what is expected of them and provide you with simple
reminders that you can give to children before situations get out of hand.
Afterall, how can we expect them to behave in a certain way if we
haven’t told them what that is?

Only a few rules are needed and ideally children will be involved in
creating these as part of a team effort. You may even like to write up a
family contract to sign and display somewhere in the house, (make sure
the grown-ups sign too)! Keep the language positive and make it a project
that everyone wants to be a part of.

Children are more likely to follow a rule if they feel an agreement has
been met rather than that they have had something imposed upon them.
Also, decide and make clear what the consequences will be for breaking
the rules and always remember to follow through.

Logical consequences like removing a toddler from the sand pit when
they are throwing sand at their sibling works best for younger children
and time-out can be helpful from about three years if used appropriately
(e.g. one minute per year of the child’s age and minimal interaction so

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that the situation can defuse). Withdrawal of privileges such as loss of
Gadgets time is only effective once the child is old enough to link their
behaviour to a consequence that occurs later in time (about 6 years and
up).

To be meaningful for children, consequences need to be immediate. It is

most important that when enacting rules and boundaries parents are
predictable and consistent. Studies have shown that children can sense
when one parent has a different parenting style to another and this can
lead to an increase in behavioural and emotional concerns.

Teach and support communication

Behaviour is communication. Usually, children behave in a certain way
to tell us something and achieve a certain goal. They haven’t learnt the
communication skills to tell us what is bothering them or what they need
and so they show us through their behaviour.

As long as the message is getting across and their needs are being met the
behaviour will continue. Look for what the message is behind the
behaviour and help children to build their emotional language “I can see
you are very angry!”

Give them alternative, more appropriate, ways to communicate as you

support them in navigating the purpose behind their behaviour. This may
be through the use of visual prompts or teaching and practicing specific
skills such as asking for help with a difficult task that would normally
lead to frustrated outbursts. This goes both ways; it is important not to
assume that communicating verbally is enough to tell a child what they
need to know. Timers, visual schedules and stop signs are great tools for
this.

Provide Emotional outlets & Play!

Give children a chance to let it all ‘hang out!’

Children get stressed, anxious and frustrated just as we do so plenty of

opportunities to express this in a safe and appropriate way will decrease
the chance of these emotions bubbling over. Put on some music, paint,

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draw, dance and sing. Stomp around like angry monsters or just go for a
run outside.

Play is also an important way for children to learn emotional regulation,

problem solving and social skills. Take the opportunity to play with your
child and hand over the controls. Giving them a chance to lead you in
their choice of games is an excellent way to give children the sense of
control that they often seek.

Catch them getting it right

Children seek out both positive and negative attention and can draw their
parents in by doing the wrong thing. Be mindful of this and avoid giving
attention to this kind of behaviour, consider giving yourself a time out if
you need to. Save your attention for the behaviours you would like to see
more of.

We almost certainly will tell a child when they are doing the wrong thing,
but what about when they get it right? Plenty of specific, meaningful
praise will remind children of the kind of behaviour you like to see and
will encourage them to continue in the same way.

Tell them exactly what you like and would like to see more of, e.g. “I
really love the way you took your plate to the dishwasher before I had to
ask, thank you!” or “That was such a kind thing to say to your sister, you
have been playing together really nicely today.”

Reward schemes can also be helpful when you are trying to target a
specific behaviour. Agree with your child on a reward that is meaningful
to them and remember to reward but never bribe! As with consequences
for challenging behaviour, rewards should be immediate. Also, they
should not be taken away once they have been earned.

Know yourself and your triggers

Tired? Stressed? Had a bad day? Be mindful of how this can affect the
way you respond to your child’s behaviour. Think about what your
buttons are and how you can respond with a level head when they are
pushed. If you feel yourself being drawn into an argument, take a step
back and try not to react in an emotional way as this usually adds fuel to

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the fire. Having some pre-planned strategies of how you will respond
when certain behaviours occur will help you to feel calm and in control.

Finally, remember to look after yourself! Talk about that enormous

tantrum and how it made you feel with someone you trust. Laugh about
it, cry about it and take the time to refill your cup by doing the things you
love. Think of the team of adults you have around you; consistency
across parents and other caregivers will help support you in supporting
your child.

References
Australian Psychological Society. Parent Guide to Helping Children manage Conflict,
Aggression and Bullying www.psychology.org.au/tip_sheets

Berkien et al. (2012) Children’s perception of dissimilarity in parenting styles are

associated with internalizing and externalizing behaviour.

Brotman et al. (2011) Promoting Effective Parenting Practices and Preventing Child
Behavior Problems in School Among Ethnically Diverse Families From Underserved,
Urban Communities.

Sutherland & Conroy (2012). Best in Class – A classroom based model for
ameliorating problems behaviours in early childhood settings.

Ansari, B. & Qureshi, S. (2013). Parental Acceptance and Rejection in Relation with
Self Esteem in Adolescents. Interdisciplinary Journal of Contemporary Research in
Business, 4 (11), 552-557.

Duncan, L. Coatsworth, J. & Greenberg, M. (2009). A Model of Mindful Parenting:

Implications for Parent-Child Relationships and Prevention Research. Clinical Child
and Family Psychology Review, 12 (3), 255-70.

Dwairy, M. (2010). Parental Acceptance-Rejection: a Fourth Cross-Cultural Research

on Parenting and Psychological Adjustment with Children. Journal of Child and
Family Studies, 19 (1), 30-35.

Lowenstein, L. (1999). Creative Interventions for Troubled Children and Youth.

Higell Book Printing.

Soloman, A. (2014). Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for
Identity. Scribner.

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