Grief Management

Functions and Benefits of Funerals

The Role of Ceremonies in Bereavement

Notes prepared by Michelle Afflick-Edwards

From earliest history, people have used ceremonies to acknowledge death. Even with broad diversity in
specifics, many common factors are shared across generations and cultural groups. The ceremonies we observe
when a loved one dies accomplish several important purposes, not only for the immediate family but for the
entire community of friends and associates

Gathering with others helps manage our experience with death and begin the process of adapting to the loss.
The ceremonies we observe when a loved one dies accomplish several important purposes, not only for the
immediate family but for the entire community of friends and associates. Here are some of those important
reasons for creating and using meaningful ceremonies.

1. Ceremonies provide stability and order in the chaos of early grief.

Even though grief is likely an unfamiliar landscape for individuals and families, the social community has been
through the experience of saying farewell many times. Whether the highly prescribed funeral ritual of Roman
Catholicism, the beating of a tribal drum on the African continent to notify the entire village of a death, or some
other community behavior, ritual gives order to the chaos. In the absence of socially-prescribed rituals, bereaved
people are left to create meaningful tributes during a period in which they are emotionally overwhelmed.

2. Ceremonies help confirm the reality of the death.

Most clinical scholars in the field of bereavement point out the "reality" function of funeral ceremonies. Even
though the death certificate records a precise moment of death does not mean everyone accepts that fact
emotionally. For most of us, a loved one's death is much more of a process-requiring hours, days, and even
weeks to fully believe the reality. Because this realization of death is not instantaneous, funeral rituals help
people gradually accept that their loved one has made the transition from here to there.

3. Ceremonies help us validate the legacy of our loved ones.

When a person dies, we tend to highlight the character qualities and values worth imitating. We choose words
that describe the attitudes and behaviors of the person who died, describing her as kind, compassionate, brave,
respectful, enthusiastic, generous, fun-loving, faithful, warm, peace-loving, and heroic. Effective ceremonies
provide a socially-sanctioned way for mourners to say to one another what perhaps they never found
opportunity to share with the deceased: how his or her life actually impacted the lives of those who are left.

Additionally, there is value to saying these words aloud in the funeral. Whether they are expressed in the
eulogy, the minister's words, a life tribute video, or the shared memories of people who attend, these words are
"recorded for posterity." As bereaved people reflect on these words months and even years after the death, it is
amazing to hear how these qualities first uttered during the funeral rituals still echo in the hearts of hurting
people.

4. Ceremonies reassure continuation of the society.

If you have ever watched a state funeral, you recognize the orderliness of the service. But the memorial
ceremonies of people who are not political leaders have the same function. They remind us that even though
dramatically changed, life will continue in spite of the death of this individual, because life is bigger than an
individual. One of the community's important tasks in the face of death is to stand at the emotional "fork in the
road" for bereaved people and lovingly point the way through the experience. Funerals help calm our anxiety.

5. Ceremonies remind us of what still needs to be done.

Ceremonies can help ignite a passion for needed change. Sometimes death comes after great injustice and the
funeral ceremony helps galvanize the effort to create change as witnessed in the funeral for Dr. Martin Luther
King. With family permission, leaders have addressed the importance of suicide prevention at the funeral
ceremonies for teens who have died by suicide. And attendance at the funeral for a young mother killed by a
drunk driver reminds many people of the dangers of driving while impaired by alcohol or drugs.

1
Whether the ceremony incites a generation to action or not, funeral ceremonies remind us of the precious,
limited amount of time we all possess. Nothing provides as stark a reminder of the frailty of life and the finite
nature of time as much as seeing a friend's casket being carried from church to hearse to grave. The ancient
wisdom writer had it right when he wrote, "I would rather go to a funeral than a feast, because funerals remind
us of the destiny we all share" (Ecclesiastes 7:2).

Six Characteristics of Helpful Ceremonies

Some elements of funeral ceremonies owe their beginnings to the oldest funerals about which we have written
records or artifacts, spanning every inhabited continent and thousands of years. When included in death-related
ceremonies, these six common characteristics have historical precedent for helping family and community in
adjusting to a loved one's death.

1. Significant Symbols

Humans are visual so we depend on "symbols" to help us communicate beyond words. The earth placed on a
casket as it is lowered into the grave is symbolic. In many cultures, a hearse and a casket are immediately
recognized for their purposes. Be sure the memorial ceremonies you create include ample use of symbols-faith
symbols, photos, and items from your loved one's favorite hobby or pastime.

2. Ritual Action

Death demands that family and community "get into the action" and do something (or actually many
somethings!) Traditional Jewish funerals encourage the entire community of mourners to become engaged in
shoveling into the grave and at a traditional Muslim funeral, all the men of the community might take turns
carrying the bier or casket to the grave. Bereaved people around the world find value in doing something.

3. Gathered People

Bereavement is best resolved in the support of caring people rather than alone. Consider the different groups of
people with which your loved one and your family participate as you consider the most appropriate ways to
gather people together to pay tribute to his or her life.

4. Connection to Heritage

Ceremonies at a loved one's death also provide a measure of predictability in the midst of the chaos of early
grief. This phenomenon might explain the choice among many non-religious people to have the Twenty-Third
Psalm read and Amazing Grace sung at a funeral service. Much like so-called comfort foods, these older
elements of memorial rituals provide comfort in the instability of bereavement.

5. Healing Touch

Even among cultural groups where personal space is highly prized, those boundaries become more flexible in
the face of bereavement. We are more likely to embrace a person in bereavement who we would otherwise offer
a handshake. Graciously receive-and offer-embraces to the people who offer their support and to the people
who need your support. An arm around the shoulder or a warm handclasp communicates volumes about our
concern for others. Humans need the touch of others most acutely in periods of crisis like death and
bereavement.

6. Transition of the Body

When a loved one dies, we are left with the unmistakable need to move the body from the place of death to a
more permanent place. Throughout history and around the world, this transition of the body is accompanied
with prayers, songs, and great reverence. Moving the body to the place of final rest is a rite entered into and
shared by the entire community.

“.....If the body is to be buried, go to the grave and stay there until the body is in the ground. If the body is
to be burned, go to the crematorium and witness the burning."

What Clinical Scholars Say About Funerals

Although a few popular websites and books deride the value of the funeral and downplay its importance,
opposite beliefs are generally held by the professional bereavement caregiving and scholarly community.
2
Here are a few excerpts from the published writings of eminent scholars and clinicians in the field:

J. William Worden, PhD

Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner (4th ed)

"But the funeral service, if it is done well, can be an important adjunct in aiding and abetting the healthy
resolution of grief... Seeing the body of the deceased person helps to bring home the reality and finality of
death. (In cremation) the body can still be present at the funeral service in either an open or closed casket and
then the cremation done after the service. In this way, the funeral service can be a strong asset in helping the
survivors work through the first task of grief."

Therese A. Rando, PhD.

Grief, Dying and Death: Clinical Interventions for Caregivers

"Participating in the funeral ritual-standing at a wake and repeatedly looking at the deceased in the casket,
attending a funeral service, accepting the condolences of others, witnessing the casket at the grave-graphically
illustrates to the bereaved that the death has indeed occurred. Even if it cannot be emotionally accepted at that
time, the memories of these experiences will later help to confirm to the bereaved the reality of the loss of the
loved one.

"Viewing the body has been criticized in recent years, as some mourners have wished to avoid the painful
reactions that seeing the body can engender. However, it is precisely the impact of the finality of the loss that
viewing seeks to promote. Clearly, the body of the deceased is the best symbol of the individual and therefore
the most effective one to focus upon in attempting to perceive the deceased in a new relationship, as someone
who is no longer alive and will only exist in memory.

"Despite recent criticism, funerals fulfil critical psychological and social needs following a death. A rite of
passage is necessary after the death of a loved one, for the passing of that person must be recognized, his
survivors must be supported as they start a new life without him, and they must be reintegrated into the
community, which itself must reaffirm its continuity after the loss of a member. By design, funerals catalyze
acute grief response, prescribe structured behaviours in a time of flux, and encourage recognition of the loss and
development of new relationships with both the deceased and the community."

Kenneth J. Doka, PhD

Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice

"A significant body of literature affirms the therapeutic role of funeral rituals... These benefits are enhanced
when the funeral ritual allows personalization and participation by significant others."

Thomas G. Long, PhD

Accompany Them with Singing: The Christian Funeral

"The stakes are high here. I am persuaded that in this, our moment in history, we are going through one of those
periodic upheavals in the ways we care (or don't) for the dead that are inevitable signs of an upheaval in the
ways we care (or don't) for the living. To put it bluntly, a society that has forgotten how to honor the bodies of
those who have departed is more inclined to neglect, even torture, the bodies of those still living. A society that
has no firm hope for where the dead are going is also unsure how to take the hands of its children and lead them
toward a hopeful future."

Catherine A. Sanders, PhD

Grief: The Mourning After: Dealing with Adult Bereavement

"While the bereaved is inwardly screaming, "No, no, it can't be," the bereaved is outwardly moving through the
paces of the funeral preparation and burial. The cadence is slow but relentless. Yet, the rituals of death become
the glue that holds the bereaved together during this first phase."

Some Actions To Cope With Loss

The following actions may be helpful as one learn to adjust to life after the loss of your loved one.

1. Express Emotion -

Sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, guilt and a few dozen other emotions are common to bereaved people.
3
 2. Keep in mind, however, there are different styles of grieving. Some people grieve primarily by
taking adaptive action, getting involved in projects, and describing their experience in very
cognitive terms. Others are intensely emotional in the ways they grieve, experiencing the full
onslaught of feelings, and wanting to talk out the very deep emotions they experience. Most people
grieve somewhere between these extremes.
3. Write Things Down

Most bereaved people have difficulty with focus and concentration, which is one of the reasons counselors
recommend against making quick, life-altering decisions like changing jobs or selling your home. Instead, keep
a journal of what you are thinking and feeling. One bereaved woman kept a phone log with notes about the calls
she made and received, with whom she talked, and pertinent details about the conversation. Make lists of both
the little things and the big things you need to accomplish, and you'll find it easier to keep up with tasks when
your memory fails. And making a "to do" list in the evening before retiring to bed might even help improve
your sleep.

4. Look After Your Physical Well-Being

Bereavement impacts us not only psychologically but also physically. You might have noticed changes in your
appetite or sleep patterns, unremitting tears, or the familiar "lump in the throat." Fatigue is a likely companion
for you, and you might notice greater frequency of illness.

All of these are normal because grief has powerful physical impacts. Pay attention to your nutrition, eating
plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables and drinking lots of water. Reduce or eliminate caffeine, especially if you
are having trouble sleeping. Begin or resume an exercise regimen in consultation with your health professional.
A complete check-up is in order in the early months of grief, and when you see the doctor, make sure to
mention any physical symptoms that concern you.

5. Avoid Withdrawal and Busy-ness

In grief, some people tend to over-schedule themselves, hoping, it seems, to "stay busy," while others tend to
withdraw completely from relationships and activities formerly enjoyed. Neither extreme will prove helpful.
Instead, be creative with some of your alone time. View photo albums and write in your journal. Reach out to
others by telephone, even when they don't call you. Don't try to schedule every moment of the day; it is a vain
hope to think you can stay busy enough to not think about your loss.

6. Connect With Others

Grief does not work when we try to go it alone. Instead, entrust your story to supportive people in your
family, in your community, among mental health professionals and in support groups. Something happens
when we connect with others. We gain a sense of how life was changed by this death and pick up useful
perspectives from people who have perhaps walked a bit further in loss. And reaching out to others with
your story might just encourage someone else who hasn't walked as far as a grieving person as you have.

7. Explore Faith

A loved one's death raises questions about the meaning of life and makes us contemplate what happens after this
life. Even if you haven't considered yourself to be particularly spiritual or religious, this death might have you
asking questions you had not previously pondered. And if you are connected to a faith community, you might
be wondering about some of the beliefs you have held dear. In any case, spiritual reading, prayer and
meditation, conversations with a spiritual leader, and worship can be helpful in the grief process. Seek out the
counsel of others whose spiritual life you trust or learn more about how various faith communities and cultural
groups acknowledge death.

8. Participate in Memorial Ceremonies

The funeral or memorial service, wake, vigil service, visitation and burial/committal provide some of the most
meaningful opportunities to begin the bereavement process. Funerals provide many unparalleled benefits to
bereaved family members and friends, a fact undisputed by the professional bereavement care giving
community.

http://www.selectedfuneralhomes.org/The-Role-of-Ceremonies-in-Bereavement-18