THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUICIDE

Item Type Senior Project

Authors Yao, Karlo-Filomena

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THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL SUICIDE
Submitted to the Board of Theatre & Performance Conservatory of
Theatre Arts in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree
of Bachelor of Arts Purchase College State University of New York –
May 2022

Performance project: Karlo-Filomena Yao

[Company Name] | [Company Address]

Table of Contents
Artistic Aims ........................................................................................................................... 2
The Effects of Colorism as a Symptom of Colonial Mentality in Filipinos.................................. 5
Reflection Essay.....................................................................................................................17
Artistic Aims
My therapist once told me that the cycling of our issue is not a circle but rather a spiral. As we

elevate ourselves, we hit checkpoint with our issues that has traumatized us so deeply that we

must revisit them again and again. The important thing to note here is that we are not in the same

altitude as before. If you have been working on yourself and been going to therapy, you should

be high up in the spiral.

I speak of this as someone who revisit certain issues again and again. And before I was fully able

to commit myself to going to therapy, I had poetry. Writing poetry was my outlet in assessing

these issues that I had. And although it keeps me afloat it is not the same as medical help.

I mention this because the themes of this collection of poetry are the issues that I tend to revisit

repeatedly. When I was creating this concept for my senior project, I knew what the themes

were, but I didn’t know how they all tied in together other being a retrospective of my life from

the age of 18 to now. I boldly titled the collection, “I think there is something wrong with me”. It

was inspired from a phase of my life where my mother took me to see multiple doctors because

she was so sure there is something wrong with me. She was right in the end. Although the issues

that I have could not be trace by an MRI scan. When I was having flashback to the old feeling

that I was having when I was writing these poems, I saw it as me trying to figure something out.

This creates an artistic block for me. This concept that I presented for junior seminar felt half

heart. I know because for the past two months I have struggle to write this essay. As a poet, I

only write from clarity given to me by the truth. And it wasn’t until a few days ago that I was
given the clarity. I was sitting in a theater before the dress rehearsal began. The ten minutes

before the curtain rises cause self-reflection for me. As the environment make me think of my

own artistic endeavors. And that when it came to me. “I’ve attempted suicide, but I didn’t die”.

“I’ve attempted suicide, but I didn’t die”. It is the new title of this project. The collection starts

with the poem title “nineteen part one" it described my last suicide attempted that I fully acted

out on a few days before my 19th birthday. Birthdays are often odd to me for I didn’t expect to

surpass the age of 18th. I always thought that I would be gone by then. So having a 19th birthday

was weird. And I turning 24 last October sent me out on a spiral. Nevertheless, I was one of

those teenagers that thought they wouldn’t the light or the wonderful gifts of life. And that is

what this project about, giving life a second chance.

And I acknowledge the obesity of my art. I am dramatic. I write about depressing things. I am

sad and I make sad art. And I like making sad art. So, this project isn’t about the triumph victory

that I had with depression. No, because as I learn that shit doesn’t really go away just because

you moved to a new environment. Life is about struggling. As a teenager I didn’t feel normal.

But if I left then I wouldn’t realize how normal I really am.

This project is a love letter to me, and people like me. Because this world needs people like me.

Grown queer folks that says life is shitty sometimes but dear god there are people that found me

in the right place and at the right time. And told me that they love me. Because I didn’t think

there were anyone that would. People need poets with voices that are often silences in the
mainstream. How would we create a world that is loving if not for the survivors telling those that

are struggling that it is going to be ok.

I promise myself as an artist that this project, that is the sum of my artistic growth, is going to

have an installation. I wanted a symbol of victory but also, I wanted to be different. This senior

project has always felt like an artistic debut for me. This is my first piece of work that I am going

to show the world. And I wanted to not perform in a traditional theater format because I don’t

think that is how my art want to be manifest. Marina Abramović has always been an inspiration

for me. And although I don’t want to focus on body art, mostly because I am a wimp. Stepping

out of the traditions that I have been trained in but not rejecting it rather reformulate it into

something that works for me.

The Effects of Colorism as a Symptom of Colonial Mentality in Filipinos
“Why are you so black?” my parents ask my sister while handing her a sunscreen with

whitening properties. It is their first time back in the Philippines in seventeen years and they are

focusing on how much she will tan instead of spending time with their brothers and sisters.

Everyone cares about their skin tone and, though we are at a resort, I see my cousins staying in

the cabana because they feel they are already too dark. Colorism is a very prevalent issue in the

Philippines that prevents many from living life to its fullest extent. It tells the Filipino population

to look at lighter skin as the goal, and though colorism existed prior to colonization, it heavily

aggravated it. The success of the skin whitening industry is a testament to how this idea of whiter

skin as superior is ingrained in Filipinos’ minds. Colorism can be looked at as a symptom of

colonial mentality, an ideology that views one’s culture as inferior to western or European

cultures. This phenomenon is debilitating for the Filipino population. A low sense of self-worth

and pride in ethnicity lead Filipino Americans to have higher rates of depression than their white

counterparts (David and Okazaki 6). Colonial mentality has a direct correlation with these mental

health issues. Not only does it leave one with no pride for their roots, but it can result in physical

damage as well. Skin whitening products are very damaging to the skin and have very harmful

side effects such as discoloration, scarring, increased blood pressure, and other long-term health

problems (Singson 2).

Ultimately, colorism and colonial mentality stem from colonialism. Especially since the

Philippines was colonized by three imperialist nations, Spain, Japan, and the US, much

indigenous culture and traditions have been lost. It is indisputable that colonialism left nations

worse off, with imperialist nations feeding off of other countries’ resources whether that be labor

or oil. Although colonialism left a plethora of negative impacts in the Philippines, colorism
as a symptom of colonial mentality has to be the most debilitating idea ingrained in the

general population. Stemming from white supremacy, colorism has left Filipinos and

Filipino-Americans physically, socially, and mentally worse off.

The argument exists that colorism is not a result of colonialism but of classism, since

colorism predates Western colonization. Those who were wealthier had better jobs, were able to

stay inside, and do labor out of the sun’s gaze. Lighter skin always had the association with a

higher class and, throughout Asia, is viewed as a symbol of femininity and purity (Keith and

Monroe 7). Though there is evidence that the goal of achieving whiter skin is not always to

appear caucasian, I argue that the advent of western imperialism has made that goal a direct

result of white supremacy. Beauty standards in the Philippines are inspired by the west and since

western beauty standards are heavily influenced by eurocentric beauty standards, the intention,

whether consciously or subconsciously, is to look white. This is not a fault of the individual,

however, since the privileges of being white are obvious, but a fault of the systems that created

these standards.

The conversation surrounding colonial mentality has reached a general consensus that it

is a negative consequence of colonization. In Reyes’ research focused on the semiotics of skin

lightening in the Philippines, she explored advertisements for skin whitening products. They

found that these ads equate lighter skin with a higher standard of life and that these products

provide a way to climb the social ladder. These ads also use psychological tactics to create a

sense of intimacy between the actor on screen and the viewer (Reyes 655). Like them, David

examined how colonization created an environment that made Filipinos lose kapwa, “the

essence–or the core–of one’s personhood and what makes a person Filipino” (48). They argue

that miseducation made Filipinos view their culture as inferior to that of the west and has since
resulted in a high rate of poor mental health (David 51). Finally, Arnado looked into cultural

whitening as opposed to skin whitening in the lives of Filipina women who married white men.

They concluded that many Filipina take advantage of their proximity to whiteness by creating a

white family to almost become white themselves and remove any traces of what made them

Filipino (Arnado 1999). However, what hasn’t been explored in these texts is the

intersectionality of the different effects of colonization and if the colonial mentality is its most

harmful legacy, seeing how successful the whitening industry is in the Philippines.

The Philippines has a long history with colonization, being occupied by Spain for three

hundred years after 1521, Japan from 1942 to 1945, and the United States from 1898 to 1946

(Tuazon et al. 354). It has set the grounds for somewhat confused identity and continued

oppression. In the Philippines, the US is viewed as a benevolent ruler who rescued the country

from the clutches of Spain and the cruelty of Japan. The United States left the country with the

gifts of democracy and better infrastructure. The building of Metro Manila brought the

Philippines away from its “uncivilized past” with the renovation and a modernized city. This

idea of the US as a kind ruler also resulted in the phenomenon of US exceptionalism, “the

idealized perception of the United States’ role in the world” (Singson 4). Much of the Philippines

today hold America to a higher standard and its culture as something to strive towards. It is

acknowledged that the Philippines have a unique relationship with America being the only Asian

country to undergo US occupation for nearly half a century. With Filipinos experiencing a sense

of gratitude to the US for saving them from Spain and Japan, America is viewed as the land of

“milk and honey,” holding infinite opportunities (David and Okazaki 7). Life in America is

viewed as superior to that of the Philippines. Many hold negative ideas towards the Philippines

and somewhere to get away from, as can be seen with the number of OFWs or overseas Filipino
workers. The idea that there are more opportunities overseas is popular and thus Filipino workers

become an export. The Philippines is also the only nation still experiencing the same levels of

American imperialism as it was during the days of US occupation, “in no place is the imperial

legacy more alive than in Manila.” The US military is still active in the Philippines under the

guise of training Filipino troops to counteract terrorism (David and Okazaki 8). Filipinos and

Filipino Americans are thus in a unique position of having experienced classical and current

colonialism.

The forced conversion of Filipinos to Catholicism could be looked at as a precursor to

spreading white supremacy. Catholicism is the dominant religion in the Philippines today. 85%

of the population is Roman Catholic and the values of the conservative patriarchal values of the

church permeate many aspects of society (David, Sharma, and Petalio 44). Catholicism and

white supremacy have strong ties as many have used God as a justification for their racist

practices such as colonization. The arrival of what some view as modernization coincides with

the arrival of Catholicism and Christianity, so the two can never really be separated. Some may

argue that the erasure of indigenous religion more harmful effect of colonization, however, these

incorrect stories do not put Filipinos in as much direct harm as colonial mentality. The way

colonial mentality perpetuates colorism has led to the death of many. Skin whitening products

are marketed towards women by taking advantage of the effects of colorism and misogyny.

Spain was so successful in indoctrinating the Philippines because of institutionalized narratives,

a systematic way of teaching the general public by changing the curriculum taught in schools to

something that benefitted the oppressor along with these ideas being taught in informal settings

like at home. The United States made use of institutionalized narratives as well and in this way,

popularized the idea of US exceptionalism, “an idealized perception of the United States’ role in
the world” (Singson 4.) The US created a curriculum that emulated US teachings in terms of

culture and dogma (Caronan 338). This is also how they pushed the narrative of a brutal

occupation by the Japanese through spreading stories of Japanese soldiers visiting Filipinos’

homes, violently attacking family members only to be saved by the grace of God (Caronan 344).

America created an image of itself as the savior from the brutality of Spain and Japan.

The beauty industry in the Philippines capitalizes on the internalized racism the Filipino

population holds. One of the most apparent effects of colorism in the Philippines is the physical

damage it inflicts through the toxic chemicals whitening products contain. Some of these

ingredients include the steroid clobetasol propionate, inorganic mercury, glutathione, and

hydroquinone. These ingredients are known to cause steroid effects from topical treatment and

mercury poisoning (Mendoza 220). Mendoza’s study also states that around 30% of consumers

had “skin rashes and discoloration, scarring, acne, bacterial/fungal infections, eye irritation, and

increased blood pressure” (Mendoza 227). For every 2 Filipina women, 1 has been reported to

use skin lightening products. This statistic shows how widespread colorism is. With half of

Filipina women using whitening products, it is hard to imagine the side effects that go unnoticed

or are not reported. A majority of the study reviewed people living below the poverty line, thus

leaving more toxic and illegal whitening products accessible to them at lower prices. The study

also found that those who received less education were more likely to consume whitening

products. The majority of consumers purchased products with only the knowledge of the

information they received from commercials, sponsored personalities, or friends and family.

Very little sought information from experts or verified sources even when it came to the toxicity

and safety of a product if that was even searched for in the first place (Mendoza 222). The price

and so-called effectiveness of the product mattered more than the user’s health, all to reach this
unobtainable standard of having lighter skin. Even when the Filipino government tried to

impose regulations on skin whitening products attempting to inform the public about potential

dangers, cease the production of toxic chemicals, and overall make these popular products safer,

they were stopped by those with influence who profit off this industry (Singson 2). The mercury

in these products can also affect the fetus’ neurological development if the mother has had

mercury exposure for long enough along with being potentially harmful to babies through skin

contact with the mother (Mendoza 228). The toxins used to halt melanin production also make

their way into the ocean as waste from manufacturing and pass into the food chain (Mendoza

229). Not only do these products physically harm Filipina women and children, but the

surrounding environment as a result of colonial mentality and the collective aim to appear less

Filipino.

Striving to be closer to western ideals has also created a social hierarchy based on skin

tone. Lighter skin signifies a higher standard of life, one of more wealth and opportunity. Darker

skin is associated with poverty though that applies to the majority of the Philippines while lighter

skin is associated with landowning elites (Reyes 661). Those with more wealth have more access

to higher quality lightening products and the privilege to avoid labor that forces them to be in the

sun for hours like farming. Whitening can be viewed as a “passport to privilege.” In the public

eye, such as the entertainment industry, all the most popular Filipino celebrities are light-

skinned, mestiza (mixed race), or both. This can also be seen in the world of pageantry as the

two Filipinas who have won the Miss Universe pageants recently were mestiza (Arnado 1997).

The representation Filipinos get on television is not quite accurate since most Filipinos are darker

and live in poverty. It further pushes the narrative of an unattainable goal and that to be
successful, you must be lighter. Even light-skinned mestizas feel as if they are too dark

(Mendoza 223).

The way this tool to climb the social ladder is marketed towards Filipinos is toxic but

effective. The people making these advertisements know how to capitalize on the insecurities

collectively in Filipinos’ minds and exacerbate them in order to turn a profit. Advertisements

marketed towards Filipina women tend to hide their colorism under the guise of anti-aging. One

ad for Olay Total Effects promises to combat “the seven signs of aging: lines, dark spots, uneven

tone, dryness, pores, sagging, and roughness” (Reyes 664). These ads claim to revert the

consumer to a “real you,” one who was full of juvenescence and life. Women are expected to

stay looking young and white. This same expectation does not exist for men. In an advertisement

for Belo Men, they feature a man who uses whitening products and attributes his wealth with a

nice car and popularity with women to his lighter skin (Reyes 654). These ads promote the

narrative of upward social mobility coming with lighter skin and proximity to Western ideals.

This is also seen in the increased use of Taglish, a mixture of Tagalog and the English language,

showcasing higher education and meeting the more American standard. Promotion for the Pears’

soap in 1880s England showcases a boy magically washing the blackness off of his body,

demonstrating the “association between not only darkness and dirt but also darkness and

primitivity that benefits from the imperial benevolence of capitalist modernity” (Reyes 661).

These old ideas still exist in today’s more contemporary society. Ads today use the same

technique of washing off a darker skin tone, the symbolism remains the same. These ideas from

England made their way to the US with them viewing aboriginal Americans as dirty savages.

Americans then continued this pattern by viewing Filipinos in the same way. Having lighter skin

comes with the implication that jobs are easier to obtain since it comes with the assumption that
you are of a better background. Maybe you have more money and connections or speak English,

which is a requirement for many jobs in the Philippines today.

Since colorism is only a symptom of colonial mentality, it is important to look at the root

and the impact it has on the mental health of the Filipino and Filipino-American communities.

The most obvious example of this is the increased depression rates, suicidal ideations, and

suicide attempts in Filipino-Americans in contrast to the rest of the population in the US (David

and Okazaki 6). Studies show that colonial mentality is noted to be a cause of depression

symptoms from testing with conceptual models like the Colonial Mentality Scale that includes

colonial mentality as a variable (Singson 5). In addition to suffering from more mental health

concerns than other minority groups, Filipino-Americans generally seek less mental health help

than other Asian Americans (Tuazon et al. 352). Levels of acculturation are also associated with

low levels of seeking professional mental health as there is a large concern with saving face since

participating in things like therapy is viewed as shameful. Studies found that more westernized

Filipino-Americans or those with a stronger desire to conform as a result of colonial mentality

had “higher levels of cultural mistrust,” thus contributing to this phenomenon (Tuazon et al.

353). Filipino-Americans are often referred to as the “forgotten Asian Americans” or the

“invisible minorities” and thus, are often excluded from racial discourse. This also applies to the

psychological community as little research has been done in comparison to other East Asian

ethnicities (David and Okazaki 6). Because of colonial mentality and colorism, Filipino-

Americans tend to hold a negative connotation with being Filipino. Many hold FOBs (fresh-off-

the-boat) and those they view as less Americanized as “stupid, backward, and capable of only the

most menial job available” (David and Okazaki 9). Many experience discrimination for being

Filipino and thus have an intense wish to conform. Filipinos and Filipino-Americans will come
as close to white as possible to be part of the in-group, perhaps as an adaptation to protect their

psychological well-being (David and Okazaki 12). Whitening your skin and marrying white is a

pathway to a better life because “white is right” (David and Okazaki 9).

Colorism permeates every aspect of life, whether that be from the discrimination you

endure from peers or the privilege you carry from not having your skin color negatively affect

your life. Therefore, it is important to know about the adversity that colorism causes. It is a

disease that affects much of the world with a heavy focus in Asia, making what I have said about

the Philippines easily applicable to other Asian nations and other non-white ones like in Africa.

For a more immediate impact, I suggest learning ways to decolonize your mind and unlearn

some colorist or racist ideas such as lighter or “brighter” skin looking nicer than tan skin. I

extend this to other beauty standards such as having a button nose or skinny physique. If the

Filipino government continues to fail to regulate the skin whitening industry, we must reeducate

ourselves and our children to pride themselves in where they come from and unlearn ideas of the

US as a benevolent ruler or savior. Because colorism is so pervasive, we need to hit its source,

our minds, and this starts with the younger generations because the elderly are already stuck in

their ways. Colonial mentality is a phenomenon that plagues all Filipinos, whether or not you are

still in the Philippines. In order to eradicate colonial mentality, we must create programs

reeducating Filipinos and educating Filipino-Americans because many never learned much

Filipino history in the first place. We must reform the curriculum in the Philippines to decenter

the west. Having everyone speak English is slowly killing our beautiful languages and we must

care for what is left from indigenous Filipinos. This starts with the individual. We must

decolonize our history and bring back pre-colonial traditions that helped us to love ourselves and

our land. With knowledge comes more respect for your heritage and culture. You will come to
realize that the US is not all that it is cracked up to be. In this way, we can learn to love our skin.

There is no such thing as being too black. Be proud of the skin that protects you from the sun.

You are made up of and representative of all your ancestors who came before you.
 Works Cited

Arnado, Janet M. “Cultural Whitening, Mobility and Differentiation: Lived Experiences

of Filipina Wives to White Men.” Journal of Ethnic and Migration Studies, vol. 47, no. 9,

Routledge, 2021, pp. 1994–2010, doi:10.1080/1369183X.2019.1696668.

Caronan, Faye C. “Memories of US Imperialism: Narratives of the Homeland in Filipino

and Puerto Rican Homes in the United States.” Philippine Studies: Historical and

Ethnographic Viewpoints, vol. 60, no. 3, 2012, p. 337–.

David, E. J. R., and Sumie Okazaki. “Colonial Mentality: A Review and

Recommendation for Filipino American Psychology.” Cultural Diversity & Ethnic

Minority Psychology, vol. 12, no. 1, Educational Publishing Foundation, 2006, pp. 1–16,

doi:10.1037/1099-9809.12.1.1.

David, E. J. R., et al. “Losing Kapwa: Colonial Legacies and the Filipino American

Family.” Asian American Journal of Psychology, vol. 8, no. 1, Educational Publishing

Foundation, 2017, pp. 43–55, doi:10.1037/aap0000068.

Keith, Verna M., and Carla R. Monroe. “Histories of Colorism and Implications for

Education.” Theory into Practice, vol. 55, no. 1, Routledge, 2016, pp. 4–10,

doi:10.1080/00405841.2016.1116847.

MENDOZA, Roger Lee. “The Skin Whitening Industry in the Philippines.” Journal of

Public Health Policy, vol. 35, no. 2, Palgrave Macmillan, 2014, pp. 219–38,

doi:10.1057/jphp.2013.50.

Reyes, Angela. “Real Fake Skin: Semiotics of Skin Lightening in the Philippines.”

Anthropological Quarterly, vol. 93, no. 4, George Washington University Institute for

Ethnographic Research, 2020, pp. 653–77, doi:10.1353/anq.2020.0073.

Singson, F. (2017, July). Colonialism's Role in the Success of the Filipino Skin Whitening

Industry. Virginia Commonwealth University VCU Scholars Compass. Retrieved

October 25, 2021, from

https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1044&context=auctus.
Reflection Essay
I must have rewritten this essay so many times. And each time it doesn’t feel right. It feels

disingenuous but more importantly it felt subpar. If you were to ask me, what my artistic goal for

my senior project is, I would make up something that would make me sound smarter than what I

am but more importantly stable and sure of what I am making. As the semester progress it began

changing and not for the better.

“I Think There Something Wrong with Me is staged as a recreation/derived/inspired of

Rhythm 0 by Marina Abramović. Rhythm 0 was a six-hour work of performance art by

Serbian artist Marina Abramović in Studio Morra, Naples. The work involved Abramović

standing still while the audience was invited to do to her whatever they wished, using one

of 72 objects she had placed on a table. These included a rose, feather, perfume, honey,

bread, grapes, wine, scissors, a scalpel, nails, a metal bar, and a gun loaded with one

bullet.

An idea of how I would like to stage it is an artist is strap down to a cross as a reference

to my religious upbringing and to the many religious allegory in the collection. The other

four artists are in four glass display case so that they are trapped but the glass display can

open. So, when they are saying their poems, they can be let out and walk around. At the

center of the space is a pool of blood that is filled with 72 objects. The pool of blood is a

reference to the depression poems and self-harm poems. There is also a chorus that will

be torturing the five artist/themes with those 72 objects. And each night those objects that

is being used will be random. I also imagine this in a museum like setting.”
This is how I first presented the project. And to me it was full of promise. There were so many

things that I wanted to do with this project. The feeling of this will be the last time you create

theater was looming over me also.

It has been a week or so since I did my senior project performance. And I wish the feeling of

accomplishment was there. But in truth it isn’t, in some ways I feel as if I fail a major part that

was supposed to be important to my college career. I told myself that I have made peace with it

but somehow it still bother me.

The project has changed multiple forms through the semester. In the early days, it was supposed

to be a art installation but that change when I couldn’t find someone to help me build it. Finding

someone to help me seems to be a ongoing issue.

So the project changed into something that I thought would be more manageable. Sometimes I

always want to showcase was my poetry. But I didn’t want to just read my poetry just is because

I thought that would be boring. So I wanted to have dancers along with me and I wanted to say

my poetry with music.

I found my first collaborator, Jesseca, due to working in the PSGA. She was in charge of the

Stood and I was in charge of all the clubs and Organization on campus. I told her of my idea. If

you have ever seen a Solange music video, I wanted the dancers to move like that when I read

my poems.
My next collaboration was with my friends Garrit who graduated a year earlier than me but was

living in Port Chester which is 10 minutes away from campus. This was my first time working

with music, so I was nervous. I was wondering if the idea was stupid. But after the first time I

made a demo with him. I felt a bit better.

Everything sounds like it was going well except it was not time out well, which was my fault. I

was feeling burnt out after 5 years of being in college and the needed to be in the real world was

there. Funny enough, as I write this I have been in the real world for about a week. And it has

been a bit miserable. I feel as I lack the direction I wanted to go next.

I haven’t like a real artist since before the pandemic. I don’t know how the pandemic did it but

my self esteem seems to have been worn down. And now that I have been out of school and been

applying to jobs that are not related to the arts. I just feel lost.

That is what I was feeling most of the time during the project. During the conception of the

project, there was drive that this could have been amazing. And thought the year, I just felt

unmotivated doing it. Of course, I was still getting this project of from my mind and into the real

world.

During my first rehearsal which was at the start of April. It didn’t feel well. There was something

that I was looking for that wasn’t there. And spring break happening in the month, after spring

break, what I was looking for wasn’t still there. I was looking for something that was happening
in my mind and I was trying to figure out how we can get there. And in some ways I feel like I

failed to get there.

It was a week before the show and everything wasn’t where I wanted it to be. The dancers

weren’t ready and the music wasn’t ready also. I went to talk to Peter about it. And he said

something that put my mind at ease. He said he wish some people would be less ambitious with

their senior project. And many do not understand that although this is the end of the road it is

also the beginning of something. So I told him, I want to strip everything down. Get rid of the

dancers and music. And that put my mind at ease.

I felt ok about the performance I did. I feel like I could have done better. But at this point I just

want the project behind me. I just want to leave Purchase and start my adult life. Everyone I

know already graduated a year before me and I felt behind from them.

I will say, my second performance was my favorite. I love performing in front of my friends.

There were only two people in the crowd that day but those two people were some really good

friends of time. And I was happy to have made them smile and laugh.

I didn’t promote the show that I should have. I felt a bit ashamed of it. I knew that it can be better

and it didn’t happen which is what upset me the most. If I was in a better head space, I could

have done better.

But having my two friends there was amazing. I felt there energy and I gave them my all.

Although I wasn’t fully happy with the project. I believe I have gave it my all every time each

night. Which also cause me to sleep early those night just because of how tried I was.

I told my self that this show was for my friends and my professors. I didn’t care about who else

saw it. Everyone that I knew left already. Although it still hurts that I was performing to an

empty audience each night.

I feel ok. I feel alright. I can’t say I feel proud about it. I am happy that it was over. I don’t know

what else I could say about the project other than. I don’t want to think about it anymore.