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  +   Electronic Version

   
          

    
Unit 2: Honesty


 
 

  
   

 
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The Person of Jesus
A Study of Love
Version 2.03

Leader’s Manual

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Contents
Quick Start Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v

Unit 1: Compassion
1. Compassion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
2. Looking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
3. The Father’s Looking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
4. Judging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
5. Power for Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
6. Self-Righteousness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
7. Self-Righteousness & Grace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
8. Legalism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
9. Practical Legalism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
10. Incarnation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
11. Incarnation Changes Us . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91

Unit 2: Honesty
12. The Gift of Honesty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99
13. Living Without Masks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
14. Good Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
15. Good Irritation & Rage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
16. A Time to Shut Up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
17. Honesty Is Patient . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
18. Reconciliation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
19. Love Your Enemies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
20. Prudence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161

Unit 3: Dependence on God

21. The Secret to Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169
22. Guidance from God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
23. Saying “No” to Someone You Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
24. Giving Up Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
25. Saying “No” to Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
26. Satan Returns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205
27. Love Moves Toward People. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
28. Touching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219
29. Selfless Openness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
30. The Balance of Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 229

Unit 4: Faith
31. Faith Empowers Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237
32. Faith Gives Up Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 245
33. Faith Surrenders . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251
34. Faith Looks at Jesus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259
35. The Intimate Stranger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265
36. Oneness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277
37. Repentance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 287

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Unit 5: The Passion
38. Humility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295
39. Sadness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 303
40. Facing Death. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 311
41. The Problem of Sin and Death . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 317
42. Gethsemane . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 323
43. A Symphony of Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 333
44. The Trial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 341
45. The Cross . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 351
46. Death, the Center of Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 359
47. The Resurrection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 367
48. Love Is Forever . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 375
Leader’s Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 383

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 The Person of Jesus
Quick Start Guide
Summary
The Quick Start Guide will:
 Show you how the manual works.
 Help you solve problems in interactive study.
 Introduce you to additional resources from seeJesus.net.

The Leader’s Guide at the end of the manual will help you to start a study with unbelievers.

NOTE: The single-most effective tool for learning how to lead a Person of Jesus study is the one-hour Person of
Jesus sample video. (See #8, Other Resources from seeJesus.net.)

Contents
1. Frequently Asked Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi
2. What Is Unique About The Person of Jesus Study? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii
3. How to Teach The Person of Jesus Study . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii
4. How This Interactive Bible Study Works . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix
5. Solving Problems in Inductive Teaching . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi
6. Goals of The Person of Jesus Study. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xii
7. Should I Use the Study for Discipleship or Evangelism? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xii
8. Other Resources from seeJesus.net . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii
9. The Person of Jesus Seminar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiv
10. PrayerLife Seminar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xv
11. Small Group Leader Training Seminar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xv
12. How The Person of Jesus and Love Walk Among Us Compare . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xvi

Ask seeJesus.net for help. No question is too unimportant.

toll-free: 1-866-JesusNet (537-8763)

e-mail: [email protected]
website: www.seeJesus.net

Quick Start Guide v

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 1. Frequently Asked Questions
Q. What’s the difference between the book Love Walked Among Us and The Person
of Jesus study?
The book and the study contain the same basic content. Each book chapter corresponds with approxi-
mately two lesson plans in the study. Generally, the lesson plans have more depth than the book. Because
a small group study is different from reading a book, some arrangement of the material is different
between the book and the manual, too.

Q. Do I need a participant or student manual?

No. This material is designed to be used with out a participant manual.

Q. Do I need to do all 48 lessons as one uninterrupted series?

No. The study is divided into five units. You can do one unit and come back to the material at another
time. Each unit is relatively self-contained, but since the study builds on itself, it is ideal to go through
it in sequence. For example, the more you study compassion (Unit 1), the more you wonder what the
boundaries of compassion are; so the next two units (Honesty and Dependence on God) provide those
boundaries; then the final two units show us what love leads to (oneness) and what the journey entails
(humility, sadness, and joy).

Q. I’ve looked at a Person of Jesus lesson plan and I’m still not sure how it works.
The Person of Jesus sample video shows the first lesson being taught. (See Point #3 “How to Teach The Person
of Jesus Study,” and Point #8, “Other resources from seeJesus.net.”)

Q. Can I shorten a lesson or divide a lesson into briefer segments?

Yes. (See Point #4, “How this Interactive Bible Study Works.”)

Q. I’d like to use this study with seekers, but how do I begin?
A particularly good place to begin is with the essay in the Leader’s Guide (at the end of this manual) entitled
“Evangelism in a Changed World” (p. 395). The entire Leader’s Guide focuses primarily on how to use The
Person of Jesus study with seekers. (See also Point #7 in the Quick Start Guide, “Should I Use the Study for
Discipleship or Evangelism?”)

Q. Do I have to include seekers?

No. Many groups use the study simply for discipling. (See the discussion in Point #7, “Should I Use the
Study for Discipling or Evangelism?”)

Q. How do you get seekers to come to a 48-week study?

Invite people to come to a four or six-week study and then at the end of that time ask them if they want to
continue. (See the Leader’s Guide at the end of the manual for additional pointers.)

For additional information, call toll-free

1-866-JesusNet (537-8763),
e-mail us at [email protected],
or log on to www.seeJesus.net

vi T h e Pe r s o n o f J e s u s : A Study of Love

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2. What Is Unique About The Person of Jesus Study?
 Questions Instead of Lecture. People enjoy discovering Scriptural insights on their own. Especially
in matters of faith and religion, people prefer to draw their own conclusions than to be told what to
believe. People also feel more involved and respected when they are asked for their opinions.
 Insightful Questions. The questions in the study have been taught and revised by the author for the
best phrasing to elicit the best possible response. The questions are carefully sequenced so that each
question logically follows the preceding one.
 Balanced Between Inductive and Deductive Teaching. Though the heart of the study is inductive teach-
ing—comprised of insightful, interactive questions—a lesson that is all inductive would run the risk of
participants only sharing their feelings, thus missing good content. So every lesson also contains a good
deal of direct, deductive teaching.
 Biblical Insight. The study digs into the biblical text to find out what is really going on. It teaches par-
ticipants to study the Bible, which results in their deepening love and respect for God’s Word.
 Historical Insight. By drawing on the latest discoveries in biblical archaeology and our growing under-
standing of the Ancient Near Eastern world, the study brings Scripture to life. Participants learn facts
from the ancient world that open up their understanding of the Bible, and therefore enlighten their
own lives.
 Heart Insight. The goal of each lesson is not just behavioral change in the participants, but also insight
into their hearts and how they drive their behavior.
 Jesus Insight. Participants will discover things about Jesus in the Gospels that they have never seen
before. Many people have said that they learned how to read the Gospels through the study.
 Simple But Deep. The study is all laid out for you in this Leader’s Manual; you just need to follow
along. And though the manual is simple to use, it contains depth of insight. It is “Connect-the-dot
Socratic teaching.”
 Gospel-Focused. Almost every lesson is tied to Jesus’ death on the cross. This keeps the focus of the
study on the fact that the central power for change in people’s lives comes not from human effort but
God’s grace.
 Worshipful. At times the participants (and you) will be led to worship because of the loveliness of Jesus.
 Geared for Unbelievers. Instead of preaching at unbelievers, the content of the study slowly draws
them into seeing Jesus. The material begins with their “felt needs” in relationships and gradually shows
them that they cannot change themselves for the better. The study does not assume that unbelieving
participants are “seeking.”
 Critique of Modern Culture. The study incorporates some critiquing of modern culture, and it invites
participants to turn from the inward-seeking bent of modern American culture.
 Geared for Both Unbelievers and Mature Believers in One Group. Both mature believers and seekers
can learn from the study because love is difficult for all of us, and everyone can benefit from an in-
depth, insightful study of the Gospels. The study puts everyone on a level playing field. The questions
do not assume any prior knowledge of biblical material, nor does it expect participants to have a bibli-
cal worldview.

3. How to Teach The Person of Jesus Study

See it taught: Either on video or by attending a seminar, both available from seeJesus.net. Some aspects
of the inductive method used in this study should be seen to be understood.

Master the content by reading Love Walked Among Us. The book will give you an
overview of the material as a whole, as well as an effective summary of each lesson in the manual. The
corresponding chapter in Love Walked Among Us is listed at the beginning of each lesson in the study.

Quick Start Guide vii

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 Learn the layout of a typical lesson
 The title page of each lesson contains a Summary, Outline, and Goals of the lesson, plus tips for
Lesson Preparation. (These are not part of the lesson itself, but are there to assist the teacher.)
 10 min. The approximate duration of each point in a lesson is written next to the title of that point,
both on the lesson title page and within the lesson itself. They are estimates to help you plan.
 Review: Brief instruction, typically at the beginning of a lesson, that reviews the content of the
previous lesson and shows how the current lesson fits the study unit as a whole.
 “Q .” Questions in bold type are the heart of the material.
 Teach: A short section of instruction. Do not linger on them—they may be read briskly and with-
out additional comment or feedback.
 Draw: A map, chart, or simple sketch that illustrates a principle.

 Historical Background: Teaching that introduces information about the cultural/historical

setting of a biblical passage to illuminate the group’s understanding of the text.
 Old Testament Background: Similar to the Historical Background; provides Old Testament
setting to the Gospel passage being examined in a lesson.
 Modern Culture: Teaching point that demonstrates how our modern culture is in tension
with a biblical worldview.
 Illustration: An example, usually in the form of a personal story or book quotation, that helps apply
the material in a lesson to the participants’ lives.
 Gospel Connection: Brief instruction that explains how principles of the lesson relate to the
essential gospel message.
 Principle: A concise, practical statement that the participants may apply to their lives.
 Teaching Tip: Advice to the teacher about how to handle teaching or group interaction. Many tips
to the teacher do not appear as a “Teaching Tip,” but as italicized text in brackets. For example:
1. [Write their answers.] (Always seen with the “flip chart” icon, as it is here.) This indicates that
you should write the group’s answers on the flip chart.
2. [Teach what they do not say.] An indication that there are nuances in the answer to a certain question
that you will probably have to teach after participants have had time to share their thoughts.
 stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions. A recommended place to split a lesson if you have a shorter
teaching time or enjoy doing the material more slowly. Shape the lesson length to your needs. The
length of each lesson tends to be 50 to 60 minutes.

Apply the lesson to your life. The church will be transformed and the world captured by Jesus’
beauty not because we are good teachers, but because people see Jesus in our lives. If we are just com-
municating abstract principles and not struggling to obey, then we risk creating Pharisees. But if we are
repentant and obedient before God, then others will see that our faith is authentic, and they will be
drawn to repentance as well.

Get to know the lesson

 Read each lesson three times before teaching it, underlining or highlighting parts that you think are
especially helpful, or crossing out sections you want to skip.
 Make sure the length of each lesson fits the time restraints of your group meetings. If it does not, then
either divide the lesson into two sessions or skip parts of a lesson. Most lessons contain recommenda-
tions for dividing them into shorter sessions.

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4. How This Interactive Bible Study Works
Questions
 The heart of this interactive Bible study is questions that help the participant understand the text
and their hearts. When people discover truths on their own, those truths are more interesting and
memorable than if they had been “spoon fed.” Also, because participants are discussing and listening,
they get to know the people in their group at a deeper level.
 Many questions have multiple answers, simply because there is seldom just one answer to life’s ques-
tions. When participants realize that, they tend to relax because the study feels less like school, where
many may have memories of the fear of giving a wrong answer. The multiplicity of answers also facili-
tates the development of conversation and community.
 Move through questions rapidly. If you answer every question exhaustively, then the lesson will tend to
drag. Most questions can be asked and answered in a minute. Think of the pace of TV commercials.

Encouraging Participants to Respond

 As much as possible, the leader should dignify an answer by commenting on it and showing how it fits
into the lesson.
 Answer every question the participants have. You want to create an atmosphere in which they feel safe
to bring up an issue even if it has nothing to do with the study. Their concerns are as important as
what you want to communicate to them.

Writing Participants’ Answers on a Flip Chart

 Why is it good to write down their answers?
1. It helps them remember.
2. You can refer back to what someone has said.
3. It stimulates discussion; others can ponder and compare answers.
4. It honors what they say.
 Write answers on the flip chart word-for-word instead of rephrasing of them. Why? What the partici-
pants say is important, and doing this encourages them that you take their input seriously.
 If you are a poor speller or have bad penmanship, you can turn it into a joke or have someone else
write for you. (It is best if you do the writing yourself, however.)
 Do not write down answers to every question; do so only when the question is a brainstorming one
with multiple answers, or when the answer is important to remember. It takes too long to write every-
thing. Answers that are most suitable for writing are marked in the manual: [Write their answers.]
You need not be limited to only these instances, however.
 Use the flip chart to draw other visuals such as charts and maps. Many people are visual learners, and
visuals bring stories to life.
 You might feel odd the first time you use a flip chart, but it will quickly become normal to you. The
benefits are worth some initial awkwardness.

Selecting a Flip Chart

 Large flip chart with stand
1. A large flip chart (34" by 27") is ideal because it allows you to go back and review sheets from earlier
in the lesson and from previous lessons.
2. Make sure the stand has a bar across the top to hold the tablet.
3. Make sure the stand has telescoping legs so you can adjust the height. In a living room setting, where
it would be more comfortable to sit down, you will want the chart to be level with your chair, so you
do not have to reach up.
4. Office Max, Staples, and Quill all have flip charts, stands, and tablets.
 Alternatives to a flip chart
1. White Board. Requires special markers and a dry eraser. The drawback of using a white board is
that it does not allow you to refer back to previous pages.
Quick Start Guide ix

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 2. Small White Board. You can get smaller white boards (that are not as large as a flip chart) that you
can prop up on a chair for groups with few people.
3. Smaller Flip Chart. Office supply stores have several small table-top flip charts that you can use for
smaller groups or around a table.
4. 8½ x 11 Writing Pad. Works well with small groups of 2-4 around a kitchen table or at a restaurant.
So you do not have to support it with your hand, you can clip it to a stand-alone computer docu-
ment holder (which typically retail for $8).

Shortening a lesson. The average length of a lesson in this manual is 50 to 60 minutes. If you are
meeting for a shorter length of time, you have a few options for shortening a lesson:
 You can split the lesson in two. To help you do that, most lessons have a suggested split in the middle,

just before the beginning of a new point.

 You can eliminate or condense some points. We have listed the approximate teaching time for each les-

son point on the title page of each lesson, so you will be able to shape your lesson to your time-limit.
 Inductive teaching (asking questions) is slower than deductive teaching (lecturing), so you can save

time by teaching deductively some of the inductive material.

A word for experienced teachers. An experienced teacher will make a lesson plan his or her
own by adapting it to (1) the time constraints of the teaching time, (2) the group and its needs, and (3)
his or her own particular preferences. So feel free to make each lesson plan your own by adding, moving,
or skipping sections. However, we encourage you in the beginning to follow the lesson plan carefully so
you understand how the study works. Each lesson has been carefully crafted through thousands of hours
of development, so it is good to learn first how they are taught before attempting any major alterations
of your own.

Application. Each lesson is geared toward applying an aspect of biblical truth to the participants’ lives.
These applications are seldom explicitly stated in “go thou and do likewise” fashion, because we want
to avoid encouraging participants to view this study as simply a “How-to” or “Self-help” course, through
which positive change can come from following a ten-step plan. The Person of Jesus study is not just a
behavioral workout, but a heart-workout as well. Sometimes, the greatest achievement of a lesson could
simply be leading participants to enjoy the beauty of Jesus and his love. If, however, you want to spend
more time on specific application to their lives, then add a question to the end of each lesson like
these:
 “Can you think of a relationship in your life that this lesson applies to? How? What change might it

mean in that relationship?”

 “How does what we’ve talked about apply to you personally? How does it change how you think about

yourself?”
 “How does this lesson effect how you think about Jesus? How might that change you?”
 “Can you think of one specific thing that you’d like to change in your life this coming week because

of what you’ve learned?”

Open-ended discussion. The Person of Jesus study is student-centered but teacher-directed. That
is, the teacher is moving the lesson along a set course. The reason for this approach is that if a lesson
becomes student-directed, it can easily degenerate into everyone sharing opinions that lead to minor
quarreling over words and no ultimate application. You end up knowing what is on people’s minds but
they do not learn to see Jesus or study the Bible. Nevertheless, if you or the participants enjoy more
open-ended discussion, then you can do that by:
 Lingering longer on discussion questions.
 Lingering longer on digressions or questions the group may bring up.

It is especially important in a study with just one participant to be sensitive to the need for more open-
ended discussion.

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5. Solving Problems in Inductive Teaching
One or two people answer all the questions
 Be up front: “Okay, let’s hear from some others now. We haven’t heard from some of you.”
 Be direct but light: “Okay, Rosie, you can’t answer this one. You’ve had your maximum of 4 questions
for the evening. I’d like to hear from some of the others.” Or, “Tom, your answers are right-on, but
let’s hear from some other people in the group.”
 Ask only part of the group to answer your question:
1. “I haven’t heard much from the right side of the room. What do you folks think about this question?”
2. “We’ve heard from the ladies, but let’s hear from some guys now.”
3. “Let’s hear from some people who we’ve not heard from for this next question.” (Be prepared to wait.)
 Handle it privately: “Sue, you really do a nice job answering questions, but I’m concerned that Bob
and Doris haven’t gotten much of a chance to say things. Do you mind waiting on some of your
answers to give them a chance?”

The whole group is silent

 Silence is not bad. The group may simply be thinking, so be silent and wait after you ask a question.
If you answer your own question, participants will stop answering them. It is hard to be silent while
you are waiting for an answer. Many people find that awkward. Try counting silently to twenty, and
then if there is still no answer, try re-wording the question.
 Handle chronic silence by dividing the group into sub-groups of three. Give each group the same ques-
tion to work on and let them discuss it for a few minutes. Then reconvene the entire group and have
one person from each sub-group report their conclusions. This works like a charm. It always injects
energy into the group and gets people interacting. Everyone in a group of three is compelled to talk.

Some people in the group are always quiet

 Just let them be quiet. Some people are just naturally quiet. (The Bible calls that wisdom!) It is impor-
tant that they feel safe in the group and not be pressured to talk.
 Some are quiet because they do not want to be embarrassed by giving a wrong answer. They may be
used to school experiences when questions were often deliberately difficult. Since the questions in our
manuals are written in a way that does not require Bible knowledge, you can encourage your group by
saying things like, “I’m not hunting for a deep answer here. Just tell me what comes to your mind.”
 Encourage them to open up with subtle invitations: “Okay, let’s hear from some others now.”
 Occasionally ask them questions directly: “Bob, I’ve not heard from you tonight. What are some of
your thoughts on this question?” Be careful about putting people on the spot, however. Do this only
if you know the person and sense that he or she would not mind.

The question goes flat; no one answers it

 Give a hint. (Hints are often listed in the lesson.)
 Make the question easier by narrowing down where to look for an answer. For example, if it’s a Bible
question, give the verse that has the answer.
 Rephrase the question.

Someone gives a wrong answer

 Most of the questions are geared for either multiple answers or relatively obvious answers, so this
should not happen often. But there are questions that have only one answer.
 Point the person back to the text: “Where do you see that in the text?”
 Point the whole group back to the text without putting the particular person who gave the wrong
answer on the spot: “Let’s stick to the text with our answers.”
 Disagree directly: “I don’t think so because….”
 Disagree more gently: “It’s possible, but I’ve not heard that before.”

Quick Start Guide xi

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 Answers are vague and “floaty”—not grounded in the details of the passage
This is more common in the beginning of the study. People are not used to paying close attention to the
text. Until they become accustomed to interpretation, a little guidance can encourage them:
 “That’s possible, but what does the text say?”
 “Where do you see that in the text?”
 “That’s an interesting observation. What you say is quite true.” Then restate your initial question and

get the group to focus on the passage. “Look at the story we’ve just read; how do you see Jesus....”

Someone leads the group off the subject

 Let him or her go on the tangent, and then go back to your question. If the person persists, then
suggest that you talk about it after the study.
 Be sensitive to the subject and the person raising the issue. If it appears to be just a trivial or purely
intellectual subject, then go back to your lesson plan. But if it appears to be connected with a heart
issue or something the person is really struggling with, then take the time to answer it or ask others
in the group what they think.

Poor readers or non-readers

 This is more common in a prison setting or with people for whom English is a second language.
 The simplest aid is to write the text out on the flip chart ahead of time and tape it to the wall. Read it slowly
several times, pointing to the words as you read, so they can hear it and pick up most of the words.

6. Goals of The Person of Jesus Study

There are four distinct goals for The Person of Jesus study.

Love: The first and most obvious goal is that the group will learn to love like Jesus. Becoming like Jesus is the
bottom line of the Christian life.
Faith: People cannot love on their own. Faith is realizing that God loves us and that his grace was poured out
upon us through Jesus at Calvary. This is the foundation of the Christian life.
Jesus: To worship him. This is a neglected goal because it is so intangible. But when you are leading a study,
there will be times when you and the participants will be struck by the sheer beauty of Jesus. Slow the
lesson down and enjoy his beauty, apart from the more intellectual concepts of the lesson.
Community: Just enjoying and beginning to care for each other draws us more closely together. Love creates
community.

7. Should I Use the Study for Discipleship or Evangelism?

Do both at the same time! (The Leader’s Guide in the back of the manual has more in-depth information.)
“Evangelize the Christians and disciple the lost. I don’t know if that works as a marketing theme but I
think it fits The Person of Jesus material.” —Pastor, leader of a Person of Jesus study
Advantages of combining Evangelism with Discipleship
 Advantages for Non-Christians
1. Non-Christians see that Christians are struggling with the same issues they are. Stereotypes are
broken down.
2. As the study is a “learning” event (instead of an “evangelistic” event), non-Christians are relieved
of the pressure to convert. More than one non-Christian participating in a Person of Jesus study
has said, “I’m so relieved that no one tried to convert me.”
xii T h e Pe r s o n o f J e s u s : A Study of Love

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 3. Non-Christians learn to study the Bible from their first exposure to it.
4. Non-Christians learn a mindset of being a disciple of Jesus from the very beginning. This holds
out the prospect of a more sincere convert instead of someone who has made a quick, emotional
decision.
 Advantages for Christians
1. Discipling is so much richer when combined with evangelism. It is such a delight to see non-
Christians discovering eternal life in Jesus.
2. Evangelism frequently gets “put off” until we are ready, and then it gets forgotten. By bringing
unbelievers into our Bible study, it is not forgotten.
3. The pressure comes off Christians, because they are not trying to convert someone quickly, but
instead are developing relationships while learning more about Jesus themselves.

Reasons for using The Person of Jesus study only for the purpose of discipling Christians
 Learning to love is a wonderful goal in and of itself.
 Gives the leader time to become familiar with material before teaching it to a “tougher” audience.

1. Gives you time to pray for non-Christians who you might invite to a study.
2. Gives the Holy Spirit time to fill you with Christlike love.

8. Other Resources from seeJesus.net

To order or ask questions call toll-free
1-866-JesusNet (537-8763)
Mon.-Fri., 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. (ET)
or log on to www.seeJesus.net
Love Walked Among Us. This book matches the content of The Person of Jesus manual. As with the
study, it is written for both non-Christians and Christians. It is an invitation to the church to become like
Jesus, and to the world to see Jesus. Instead of trying to convince unbelievers of the truth of Christianity,
it shows them the beauty of Jesus. To encourage use of the book for evangelism, we sell it for $7 per book
(half off the retail price) for orders of 10 or more.

How to use Love Walked Among Us with The Person of Jesus

The corresponding book chapter is given in the Summary of each lesson in the manual. The book can
be used in several ways in conjunction with the course.
1. Help the leader understand the study. The book chapter that corresponds with the lesson you are
teaching will help you understand in detail the content of that lesson. If you read the entire book,
you will also understand the breadth of what you will be teaching about Jesus and love. You will better
understand how your own repentance as a leader can open the door for others to change.
2. Help participants review. They read a particular chapter after completing the corresponding
lesson(s).
3. Follow-up Gift. At the end of the course, or if a course ends early, the book is a great follow-up
gift— especially to non-Christians participants. It is a mini-version of the study for them to keep.
4. Invitation Gift. If non-Christians are nervous about participating in a study, you can lend the book
to them so they will have an idea of what you will be studying.
5. Late-comers. If people want to join the study when you are well into it, then they can catch up by
reading the chapters that match the lessons they have missed.

Love Walked Among Us Audiobook. In Love Walked Among Us, Paul Miller invites the reader
to get to know Jesus, to observe his life and his love as they unfold in the gospel narratives. This is an
unabridged, 6 CD set, read by the author.

Quick Start Guide xiii

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 The Person of Jesus Sample Video. A one-hour video of Paul Miller teaching Lesson 1:
Compassion. It comes with a sample lesson containing extra notes that you can follow as Paul teaches
the lesson inductively with a small group.

The Person of Jesus Seminar Video Series. An 8-session video series of a Person of Jesus semi-
nar. Each session is about 45 minutes long and is useful for training your small group or Sunday school
class to do a study with seekers.

The Person of Jesus Seminar Video Manual. The 70-page manual that contains the notes
for the 8-session Person of Jesus Video Series.

Person of Jesus Invitations. Invitations designed for Christians to invite unbelieving/seeking

friends and neighbors to a Person of Jesus study. (See sample in the Leader’s Guide.)
(PDF available for download at www.seeJesus.net, click on Free Stuff)

The Love Course. Similar in content to The Person of Jesus study except it is a lecture series in an audio cas-
sette tape format. A 32-week study, it immerses participants in the life of Jesus and what love is. The tapes
come in two separate 16-week volumes (Volumes 1 and 2). The Love Course takes little preparation because
it is a pre-recorded presentation. It works best in small groups or one-on-one discipling situations.

PrayerLife Video Series. PrayerLife is an 11-week video study for small groups or Sunday School that
teaches people to develop a life of private prayer. It is not intended for victorious Christians, but Christians
who often find themselves defeated in the trenches. Available in DVD, VHS and CD formats.

PrayerLife Leader's Manual. The PrayerLife Leader’s manual follows along with the PrayerLife
video. It includes Paul Miller’s teaching notes as well as providing additional insights and questions to
supplement and enhance your group study. [96 pages]

PrayerLife Participant's Manual. The PrayerLife Participant's manual is the same as the Leader's
manual but without the additional teaching notes. It instead provides room for the participant to take
notes and write down their own reflections as they go through the study. [96 pages]

Note: All profits and royalties from sales of materials go to seeJesus.net.

9. The Person of Jesus Seminar

Content. A seminar is the most effective way of introducing your church to The Person of Jesus study. Four
lessons are taught from the Leader’s Manual, and after each one, participants can see how straightfor-
ward the material is to teach. Most people find it to be a worshipful time, spending six hours thinking
about Jesus. Participants also learn how to use the study with seekers in our postmodern world.

Seminar Goals
 See Jesus in a new way.
 Be challenged to love in new ways.
 Learn a new method of inductive, interactive Bible study.
 Learn a new method of evangelism for a postmodern world.

Suggested Format. Saturday, 9:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., with registration from 8:15-9:00 a.m. and an hour
break for lunch. (Alternate formats are available—please call our office for details.)
xiv T h e Pe r s o n o f J e s u s : A Study of Love

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Seminar Cost. We offer two seminar pricing options. The first option relies solely on the registration
fees paid to seeJesus.net by the individual attendees, so the church or organization incurs minimal costs
to host the seminar. There is a minimun number of paid attendees required for this first option. As a
second option, the church/organization pays a speaker's fee plus travel and seminar materials expenses.
Please call our office or check our website for current seminar prices and available fee options.

10. PrayerLife Seminar

Seminar Content and Goals. Many of us are quietly defeated in our private prayer lives. We’ve tried
praying, but it just doesn’t seem to work. So we feel a combination of frustration and guilt. In this seminar, we
will learn step-by-step how to begin a private life of prayer in fellowship with our heavenly Father. This seminar
is not for victorious Christians, but Christians who often find themselves defeated in the trenches. It deals
with such practical questions as…

“How do you stay focused when you are distracted with so much to do?”
“How do you pray longer than five minutes?”
“How do you pray when your own life is messed up?”
“How do you ask when you’ve tried it before and it doesn’t work?”

Suggested Format and Cost. PrayerLife Seminar format and cost are the same as for The Person of
Jesus seminar.

11. Small Group Leader Training Seminar

Seminar Content. Our desire at seeJesus.net is to equip the front line workers of the kingdom of God
to be about kingdom business and not merely entertainers or caretakers. Only when the church has a trans-
forming vision of Jesus and his work for us will it truly begin to live. Only then will the world be drawn to the
beauty of Jesus and worship him. Our Small Group Leader Training seminar is an advanced training in leading
interactive Bible studies in a small group setting. Limited to 9 people.

Seminar Goals.
 To provide personalized training for small group leaders, teaching them to effectively lead interactive
Bible study in a small group setting.
 To expose small group leaders to the breadth and depth of Jesus’ love as seen in the Gospels.
 To give a vision for small group leadership.

Suggested Format. We offer two options. 1) A one-day format which starts at 1:00 p.m. and ends at
9:30 p.m., with a 1 1/2 hour dinner break. 2) Or the two-day format starts on Friday from 6:00-10:00 p.m.
and continues on Saturday from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., with a 1 hour lunch break on Saturday.

Seminar Cost. Please call our office or check our website for current pricing options.

Quick Start Guide xv

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 12. The Person of Jesus & Love Walked Among Us Comparison

xvi T h e Pe r s o n o f J e s u s : A Study of Love

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 U NIT 2
Honesty
Summary
Jesus shows us that without truth, our relationships lack definition and meaning. The gift of compas-
sion must be accompanied by the gift of truth for there to be balance in a relationship.
Nothing captures Jesus’ honesty better than how he relates to people during meals. When a Pharisee
invites him to dinner, Jesus tells the guests that they were motivated by pride in how they chose their seat-
ing. Then Jesus turns to the host and tells him that he has invited all the wrong people! Jesus’ behavior is
stunning. No dinner guest has ever acted this way. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone spoke
honestly like that!
Jesus’ honesty also helps us understand the disciples’ foibles. When we consider their behavior from
the perspective of Jesus’ commitment to honesty, the disciples’ forthrightness stands out. Their childlike
openness allows Jesus to enter into their lives and shape them.
Closely related to good honesty is good anger. When Jesus heals a man with a crippled hand in a syna-
gogue, he labors to get the Pharisees to understand what this man’s world is like. But they are frozen in
their self-righteousness. Jesus responds with pure, controlled anger. At the same time, Jesus is often quiet
when we are quick to express our anger. In this unit, we analyze how patient Jesus is with people.
We also look at the problem of reconciliation. How do you balance compassion and honesty? The unit
concludes by looking at Jesus’ teaching about relating to someone who will not reconcile with you—that is,
an enemy.

Chapters in Love Walked Among Us—7 through 10.

Lessons
12. The Gift of Honesty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99
13. Living Without Masks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
14. Good Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
15. Good Irritation & Rage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
16. A Time to Shut Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
17. Honesty Is Patient . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
18. Reconciliation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
19. Love Your Enemies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
20. Prudence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161

97
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98 Unit 2: Honesty

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 LESSON 12
The Gift of Honesty
Summary
In this lesson we will look at Jesus’ boldness and frankness with people. He is as concerned about truth as he
is about people. Because Jesus has the love of God in his heart, he does not have to be concerned about other
people’s opinions of him. He is free to be honest.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—7a: A Time to Speak Up.

Outline
1. A Pharisee’s Dinner 15 min
2. Simon’s Dinner 10 min
3. What Jesus’ Honesty Means for Our Relationships 15 min
4. The Roots of Jesus’ Behavior 10 min Total 50 min

Goals
Love: Love is committed not only to people but also to truth.
Faith: If we have the love of God in our hearts, then we are freed from people’s opinions of us and free to be
honest.
Jesus: He is fearlessly committed to truth because he does not live for people’s approval.

Lesson Preparation
By now, there should be tension in participants’ minds over how to balance out compassion. This tension
might have come out in the previous lessons in the form of a question such as, “Do I let someone walk all over
me?” This unit begins to answer that question. Honesty balances out compassion. The prophet Micah (6:8)
names three things that are required of us: doing justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with God. We
have been studying loving mercy now we begin to study doing justice.

To prepare your heart, reflect on relationships where you have lacked honesty, not because of prudence but
because you have been afraid of the consequences—in other words, you want the other person’s approval.

Lesson 12: The Gif t of Honesty 99

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 1. A Pharisee’s Dinner 15 min.

Review: Up to this point, we’ve been studying compassion, which is just one side of love. Now we turn
our attention in this unit to a whole new dimension of love. Let’s join Jesus at another Pharisee’s dinner.

Read: Luke 14:7-11—A Pharisee’s Dinner

Historical Background
Shame/Honor Culture
The Ancient Near East, like most ancient cultures, was a shame/honor culture. Because honor was
considered to be in limited supply, every social encounter was an opportunity to increase honor or incur
shame. Seating order at a dinner could confer either honor or shame on the guests.

Q. Imagine for a minute: How would it have felt (prior to Jesus’ comment) to have
a good seat?
Good to be ahead of other people. Or, possibly embarrassed.

Q. If you had a bad seat, what might you be feeling or thinking?

Anger, jealousy, or frustration about having a lower seat.

Q. Then, when Jesus made his comment, how would you feel?
Uncomfortable.

Q. Is Jesus respecting their “right to privacy”?

No.

Q. How is Jesus’ behavior strange? What’s he doing that most people don’t do?
While he is the guest of honor at someone else’s house, he tells all the other guests that they are motivated
by pride and power in their seating arrangements!

Q. Do you think this is right? Isn’t Jesus intruding on private behavior?

Jesus is intruding in order to do them good by speaking fearlessly into their world. [Responses will vary. A
negative response is good because it allows them to be real when they interact with the truths about Jesus.]

Q. If you were to make Jesus’ words into a rule, how would you state it?
Don’t be motivated by pride or power. If you’re motivated by pride, you will one day be brought low.

Q. What would happen if our world followed this principle? What would it do to
relationships?
They’d be transformed because people would no longer be seeking power in relationships. Arguments
would turn into calm listening experiences as each participant would try to take a lower place and not win!

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 Teach: A Prophecy. When the angel told Mary that she was several months pregnant, Mary went
to visit her relative Elizabeth and wrote a poem about the baby in her womb. It’s a prophecy of what Jesus
would do in his life. And it reflects these very themes of the proud being low and the humble going up.

Read: Luke 1:51-53—Mary’s Song

Teach: 2,000 years later this prophecy is still being fulfilled. Jesus’ words are still revealing the
thoughts and hearts of many.

Let’s see what happens next at this rather awkward meal!

Read: Luke 14:12-14

Q. What strange thing does Jesus do next?

He tells the host what kind of people he should invite!

Q. What rules or patterns of love are implied in Jesus’ comments?

Don’t think you’re loving just because you’re kind to people. The real test of kindness is giving to people
who can’t repay you or mention your goodness to others.

Q. What would happen to our world if this principle (“love people who cannot
repay you”) controlled humanity?
Our world would be turned upside-down. People would be constantly breaking out of the safety of their
“groups” and seeking out the oppressed, the down-and-outers of society.

Q. How is Jesus doing good to these people?

[No specific answer is being sought with this question. It is just to get the group thinking about the ramifications
of Jesus’ radical love and honesty.] It would be absolutely wonderful if people would live this way. It would
spread love to the farthest corners of the world.

Q. Why is this kind of honesty so rare?

We don’t want to risk people’s rejection. We desire their good opinions too much.

Teach: Anger and Honesty. At times, honesty is so hard—we’re so afraid of telling others
the truth—that we wait until they really irritate us and then, in our anger, we break through our fear of
their disapproval. We blow our lids (and their heads!) off because we didn’t let the steam out slowly with
good honesty. Then they get upset; we feel more anger because they didn’t listen, and we also feel guilty
because we were harsh.

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 2. Simon’s Dinner 10 min.

Review: Luke 7:36-50—Simon’s Dinner

[Skip this section or mention it briefly if you taught Point #6, “Jesus’ Honesty,” in Lesson 6.]

Q. If you’d been at the dinner, how would your response to Simon differed
from Jesus’?
We probably wouldn’t have said anything to Simon about how he treated us. If we did speak to him, we’d
do it privately, and only after talking about it with our friends.

Q. Why would we probably have said nothing?

[Write their answers on the tablet.]
 Risk of Simon’s anger.
 Risk of being misunderstood because of being identified so closely with a sinful woman.
 Publicly rebuking one’s host is just not acceptable in any culture—let alone first century Palestine.

Q. Behind Jesus’ honesty with Simon lies a deep moral sense of right and wrong.
What are some of the wrongs that Jesus is reacting to?
 Simon’s judging the woman.
 Simon’s judging Jesus.
 Simon’s disrespect of Jesus.

3. What Jesus’ Honesty Means for Our Relationships 10 min.

Q. Why is it so surprising to find a compassionate person who is also very honest?

[Teach what they do not say.] It is a very rare combination! Usually when people are compassionate, they
become mealy-mouthed or spineless. Or if they’re bold and committed to truth, they lose their gentle-
ness. But Jesus is both gentle and firm, both compassionate and committed to truth.

Teach: The Difference Between Honesty and Compassion

 Compassion is focused on the person. Honesty is rooted in truth, in a sense of right and wrong.
Honesty comes into play when a person isn’t doing what is right.
 Compassion is focused on understanding and caring for people. Honesty cares for people by helping
them see something they don’t understand.
 Compassion is focused on other people’s hurts. Honesty is focused on how people are hurting them-
selves or others.

Good Rules
 Underlying Jesus’ rules is the very character of God. Jesus doesn’t tell us to love “just because I told
you so.” We’re to love everyone—both the nice and the obnoxious—because that’s how God loves: “He
causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous”
(Matthew 5:45b).
 Rules aren’t good in merely an abstract sense; they bring clarity and sanity.
 Justice and honesty rest on a foundation of law—rules based on the character of God. Jesus’ most
extensive teaching on rules is the Sermon on the Mount (Chapters 5-7 in Matthew).

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Q. What happens in a relationship (with a spouse, child, friend or co-worker) if you
are compassionate but never honest?
The other person doesn’t respect you and starts to walk all over you. The relationship becomes
strained.

Illustration: The Need for Honesty1

 Allison had left some dishes in the sink. Her husband criticized her cleaning, saying, “Why the [exple-
tive] is this in the sink?” Crushed and wounded, Allison shut down for several days. This was not the
first time he had sworn at her, and she told me that she was thinking of leaving him. I urged her to
tell him honestly how she felt when he spoke to her that way. Reluctantly, she braved his anger, and
told him what he had done and why it was wrong. Surprised that his words bothered her, he said,
“That’s how I treat everyone.” But he heard her, and began to consciously work on his harshness.
 Alan’s wife had not gone to the dentist their entire marriage. Occasionally he would express his desire
that she go. She finally did, and, as expected, needed major dental work, including several extractions.
Afterwards, she accused Alan of keeping her from going. A friend told Alan, “You’ve got to tell her
what she has done by blaming you for her refusal to go the dentist. It’s just not right. She may not
like it, but she needs your honesty, regardless of how she receives it.”

Q. Why might it be hard for Alan to speak to his wife?

He’d be risking her wrath.

Q. How might Alan be hurting his wife and others by failing to speak to her?
She’ll remain trapped by her sin. Alan probably ins’t the only person that she relates to in this way.

Teach: Two Problems, Two Solutions. Our world is broken physically and morally.
Jesus cares for the physical brokenness with his compassion and his miracles. But he cares for the moral
brokenness with his honesty and his teaching. The gospels often put the two parallel to one another.
For instance, at the feeding of the 5,000, Matthew describes Jesus healing the people (14:14) while Mark
describes Jesus teaching the people (6:34).

Honesty Cares for People. If compassion is the only expression of love in a relationship, the
relationship will become unbalanced. Without honesty, compassion can become mush. Jesus’ honesty
deals with injustice, with immorality. We need both kinds of love. Most of us want compassion for our-
selves and honesty for other people!

Read: Matthew 18:15

“If your brother sins against you, go show him his fault…”

4. The Roots of Jesus’ Behavior 10 min.

Q. How does Jesus’ behavior at the banquet differ from what you would’ve done
if you’d been there?
We wouldn’t have said anything.

Q. Why?
We’d be too concerned about what others would think of us.

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 Teach: [Fill in the chart below as you teach.] Notice the difference between Jesus’ way of relating and
our normal human interactions. When we see an overwhelming need, we freeze or pull back. But Jesus
moves toward need with compassion. Then, in a situation that calls for honesty, he is unconcerned
about people’s opinions about him—at a time when we tend to be most concerned. It’s just not normal
for people to be so honest.

Draw: Chart. OUR RESPONSE JESUS’ RESPONSE

See an overwhelming need We’re unconcerned, Jesus is concerned

or a “difficult person” freeze or pull back. and moves closer.

Risk someone’s bad We are concerned. Jesus is unconcerned.

opinion of us

Jesus explains how he can respond this way…

Read: John 5:41-42,44

“I do not accept praise from men, but I know you. I know that you do not have the love of God in your
hearts. . . . How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain
the praise that comes from the only God?”

Teach: Jesus says he’s controlled by an awareness that God is watching him with love and delight. His
God-consciousness explains his extraordinary behavior. He’s unaffected by the opinions of others.

Q. How might having “the love of God in our hearts” give us the power to risk
honesty with others?
When our primary concern is God’s evaluation of us, we’re willing to face the rejection of others. If we
have a safe harbor in the love of God, then we don’t have to try to get other people to like us.

Q. What does Jesus say about how we get “the love of God in our hearts”?
[Teach what they do not say.]
 Like the tax collector (in Jesus’ parable of the Tax Collector and the Pharisee), realize that we don’t
have the love of God in our hearts.
 Ask God for his mercy, his forgiveness for all we’ve done wrong.

Gospel Connection: Notice that getting “the love of God in our hearts” isn’t magic. It’s not
some kind of spiritual energy. In fact, it’s realizing that we don’t have spiritual energy, admitting that
we don’t have the love of God in our hearts. It begins by honestly facing what God says about us: that
we’re sinners who need forgiveness. Faith moves us down, not up.

Q. How would it affect our relationships if we had “the love of God in our hearts”?
It would make our relationships healthy and normal.

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Q. What effect would it have on us internally if we were unconcerned about the
opinions of others?
It would be freeing.

Draw: Chart. [This chart contains elements that we will not talk about until later in the unit. But put them
in anyway as a means of introducing the ideas. Then you can come back later and refer to the chart.]

CO-DEPENDENCY HONESTY

I’m hungry for your approval. I’m hungry for God’s approval.

I see something wrong in your life or in I see something wrong in your life or in
how you treat people. how you treat people.

I’m fearful of losing our relationship. I reflect:

Your approval is more important to me 1. Can I be honest in ways that build up?
than you doing right. I’m fearful of your 2. Do I have the same problems in my life?
anger and how you might respond. 3. What do I say?
4. When do I say it?

I don’t say what you need to hear.

Instead, I say things to get you to like me. I “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

Either my words or you reject

Our relationship becomes unhealthy.
encourage you me along with
I become angry but stuff it down. To
and we have true my words; you
relieve the pain I gossip about you
closeness... become angry &
behind your back.
gossip about me.

Notes:
1. Paul Miller, Love Walked Among Us (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2001), pp. 80-81.

Lesson 12: The Gif t of Honesty 105

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106 Unit 2: Honesty

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 LESSON 13
Living Without Masks
Summary
With all their weaknesses, the disciples have one remarkable unifying trait: a frank openness and lack of
pretense. They do not pretend—we know just where they stand, even if it is wrong. In contrast, the Pharisees
manipulate and flatter. We will look at both groups in this lesson.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—7b: A Time to Speak Up.

Outline
1. Jesus’ Disciples: People Without Masks 15 min
2. Manipulation: Putting on Masks to Get Our Way 15 min
3. “Niceness” vs. Honesty 15 min Total 45 min

Goals
Love: Loving our neighbor means risking the rejection that can come with honesty.
Jesus: Jesus prizes honesty in his disciples but severely criticizes the Pharisees’ lack of integrity.

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 1. Jesus’ Disciples: People Without Masks 15 min.

Review: We’ll continue our study of Jesus’ honesty by looking at his disciples and thinking about
what they’re like as people.

Read: John 1:43-48—Nathaniel meets Jesus

Q. What does Nathaniel say about all of Jesus’ childhood friends, his brothers and
sisters and his mother?
He judges them all!

Q. What does Jesus react to—Nathaniel’s forthright honesty, or his judging?

Jesus clearly reacts to his honesty by saying, “Here is a true Israelite, in whom there is nothing false.”
Nathaniel says what’s on his mind. He’s honest.

Q. Is Jesus’ reaction positive or negative?

It’s a positive reaction. He likes Nathaniel’s bluntness. He compliments Nathaniel for his guilelessness.

Read: Matthew 20:20-21—The Request of James and John

Q. What do you think of their request?

A little presumptuous. Brazen. Aggressive.

Q. Would you go to your boss with this kind of request? Why or why not?
Most people wouldn’t, because the request is so direct and brazen.

Teach: Many of us may have similar desires, but we probably wouldn’t be so up-front and brazen. But
we might act out our desire covertly, spending a good portion of our lives manipulating others in order
to get what we want. James and John, like Jesus, are very honest. When their desire for power is out in
the open, Jesus can deal with it.

Q. What’s the tone of Jesus’ response to James and John? Is he irritated or patient?
He’s patient. His response is quite gentle to such a brazen request.

Q. Why is Jesus so patient?

[Teach what they do not say.] I think he’s so patient because their sin is so out in the open. The disciples
are very childlike.

Teach: Criteria for Selection. The disciples’ habit of forthright honesty is the one charac-
ter quality they all share. They’re often slow to understand what Jesus says and who he is; they’re often
motivated by pride. But, except for Judas, they are without pretense. They live their lives out in the open
so Jesus can deal with them.

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Q. Look at Luke 7:39. How is Simon’s behavior different from the disciples’ typical
behavior?
Simon is quiet. He doesn’t tell Jesus what’s on his mind.

Q. Why is he silent?
He’s too polite or concerned for appearance to tell Jesus what he’s really thinking. In other words, he isn’t
honest. The Pharisees often keep their negative views of Jesus to themselves (Mark 2:6); whereas Jesus
seldom keeps his negative opinions of them to himself.

Q. (Look at Mark 1:14-20.) What did the disciples do for a living before they came
with Jesus?
At least four were fishermen. Matthew was a tax collector. They were earthy people, connected with life.

Q. How did their jobs rate on the ladder of success?

They weren’t the movers and shakers.

Q. Why didn’t Jesus go to the rabbinical schools to get disciples? What was he
hunting for in people?
[Brainstorm. Write their answers.]
 Jesus was hunting for “real” people. Often people who’ve had a lot of schooling become disconnected

with life.
 Religious professionals can be very concerned about appearance.
 God uses the foolish to shame the wise (I Corinthians 1:18ff).

Q. Why is honesty or forthrightness so important to Jesus?

There are absolutes; truth is important; phoniness is wrong. Jesus’ very character hates deception.

Teach: Jesus’ Honesty Rubbed Off on the Disciples. After Jesus’ resurrection,
the book of Acts tells us that Peter and John were on trial before the Sanhedrin (the religious supreme
court of the Jewish nation). They stood up to the most powerful men in the country, telling them that
they would obey God rather than obey them. The disciples’ boldness reminded these leaders of their old
nemesis: “When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary
men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13).

Q. Are you more like the disciples or the Pharisees?

[Just lay this out. The more honest you, the teacher, can be about your own struggles, the better.]

2. Manipulation: Putting on Masks to Get Our Way 10 min.

Read: Matthew 22:15-18—The Pharisees Compliment Jesus

Q. What positive character quality do the Pharisees see in Jesus?

His honesty.

Lesson 13: Living Without Masks 109

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 Q. Is this a sincere compliment?
Not really.

Q. Why are they complimenting Jesus?

It’s just a setup. They’re trying to trap Jesus with his honesty by first complimenting him for his honesty,
and then putting him in a situation where he’ll be trapped by it.

Q. What’s the irony here? How are the Pharisees being hypocritical?
[Teach what they do not say. People have trouble picking up irony.] They’re complimenting Jesus for his
honesty and forthrightness while at the same time they’re being dishonest and manipulative with their
question as they try to trap Jesus in his honesty!

Historical Background
Hypocrite
The word “hypocrite” comes from the Greek word for “actor.” Greek actors were all male, and they wore
masks to represent their various roles. What they looked like on the outside was not what they were on
the inside. The Pharisees were like that. They were frauds. A hypocrite (in Jesus’ usage of the term) is a
person who lacks integrity. People with integrity are the same on the inside as they are on the outside,
the same whether with rich or poor, important people or unimportant people.1

Illustration: Manipulation (Paul Miller) [Your own illustration is preferred.]

It was a Monday night and Ashley’s birthday. Ashley is our second child and a senior in High School.
Courtney, our eldest, was a freshman at Penn and home from college. I was tired from work and had an
appointment to meet someone for work later that evening. I rearranged my appointment to take Courtney
back down to Penn. Courtney and I agreed to leave at 7:00. After our little celebration, I bathed and dressed
Kimberly so she was ready for bed. Emily, our sixth child, was whining. For some reason my chin and scalp
were aching. It felt like I had a flu coming on. Seven came and Courtney was still upstairs. I told her I needed
to go, explaining that I had already moved my appointment once. Courtney was irritated but we finally left.
On our way out the door, I turned to Jill and said, “Please call my appointment to tell them I will be late.”
Courtney got ticked at me for saying that to Jill.
As I thought about it later, I realized that I was angry at Courtney. My comment to Jill was dishonest in
several ways. First, it was not true. My appointment really wouldn’t care if I was late. Secondly, it was an indirect
way of telling Courtney that she had made me late. I didn’t move to a patience that would have recognized my
anger and then considered whether or not I should be honest with Courtney. I wasn’t willing to risk a direct
comment to Courtney.
What was really going on with me was that I was tired and weary. To that got added self-righteousness
because I changed my schedule to help Courtney. It stopped being love and became personal merit. That set
me up for getting irritated because when I am self-righteous then I am owed something.
What was really going on with Courtney was that she was upstairs reading with Emily. I was like the
Pharisees with my “be on time law” that blocked Courtney from loving Emily, that blocked me from loving
Courtney.
To myself I sounded very nice. The Pharisee takes care of himself under a veneer of taking care of people.
This shell can be difficult to penetrate because he hears his own niceness.2

Q. What situations can you think of in your life when you’re tempted to manipulate,
to put on a mask to look better?
[Brainstorm.]

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3. “Niceness” vs. Honesty 15 min.

Read: Luke 11:37-45, 53-54—Jesus at Supper

[We studied this passage in Lesson 8: Legalism.]

Q. What are some of the things Jesus is angry about?

[Write their answers.]
 Concern about appearance while failing to see the root in the heart.
 Outward show of good deeds but an inward commitment to self.
 Love of applause and the cheers of the crowd.

Q. If we tend to be nice to people as a way of getting them to like us, how does that
affect our willingness to be honest?
It makes us afraid to be honest.

Teach: Being nice—that is, genuine kindness—is one of the qualities of compassion. It’s a good thing.
But sometimes we’re nice because our goal is to get people to like us, so that we only appear to be loving.
In reality, we’re putting on masks in order to promote ourselves.

Q. How do Jesus’ words to the Pharisees complement (go with) how he says them?
[Teach what they do not say.] Jesus is being very honest as he talks to the Pharisees about their dishonesty.
He isn’t concerned about what they’ll think of him when he tells them they’re dishonest people whose
lives are committed to looking good. Jesus doesn’t care how he himself looks as he tells people that their
whole lives are consumed with appearance.

Q. Do you tend toward a commitment to “niceness” (so you’ll look good) or hon-
esty? Can you think of a specific situation when you avoided honesty in order
to protect yourself?
[Brainstorm. What you share as leader will be helpful.]

Q. How does Jesus’ audience feel?

In verse 45, the religious lawyers say very clearly how they feel—insulted.

Q. Why do they feel insulted?

 Their goal is for everyone to like them. If that’s our goal, then we’ll inevitably feel insulted when
someone is honest with us.
 Their commitment to peace at any price in relationships is really a commitment to self.

Q. What is their final response to Jesus’ honesty in verses 53 and 54?

Revenge.

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 Q. Have you ever lost a friendship because you were honest?

Q . How do we usually respond when others are honest with us about a problem in
our lives?
[Write their answers. If participants are honest, they will admit that they bristle on the inside if not the outside.]
We tend to (1) criticize the way others speak to us, (2) look at their lives and tell them that they do the
same thing, and (3) judge them for being judgmental.

Q. What does that reveal about us?

How we receive honest input from others is a window to our hearts—i.e., whether we “have the love of
God in our hearts.”

Review: Co-Dependency/Honesty Chart from Lesson 12 (p. 105)

Notes:
1. R. H. Smith, “Hypocrite,” Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1992), pp. 351-353.
2. Paul Miller, Love Walked Among Us (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2001), pp. 86-87.

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 LESSON 14
Good Anger
Summary
Since much of our anger is wrong, it is refreshing to see Jesus model good anger for us when the Pharisees
refuse to bless his healing of a crippled man. Good anger is a subset of good honesty, as we will see in this
lesson.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—8a: Honest Anger.

Outline
1. Introduction: What’s Wrong with Our Anger? 5 min
2. The Shape of Jesus’ Anger 25 min
3. Reflections on Jesus’ Anger 20 min Total 50 min

Goals
Love: To recognize that good, controlled anger is a natural response to evil, a form of love.
Faith: Jesus offers forgiveness for wrong anger. His anger at sin drove him to the cross.
Jesus: To see the beauty of Jesus’ anger, how natural and fearless he is.

L e s s o n 14 : G o o d A n g e r 113
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 1. Introduction: What’s Wrong with Our Anger? 5 min.

Q. What can make anger wrong?

[Write their answers. Use these three categories to help you draw out additional answers since people tend to be
initially aware only of #1. List the three categories at the end of this brief discussion.]
1. Overreaction:
a. We don’t let the anger go. We nurse our hurt and keep the anger alive.
b. We attack the other person (verbal abuse).
c. We get angrier than the situation warrants. We vent. We don’t control our anger.
d. Our anger is too quick.
e. Our anger is always directed at the same person.
2. Selfish motivation: We get angry because we don’t get our way. Our goals are blocked.
3. Denial:
a. We’re angry and don’t even realize it; we act out our anger in subtle ways.
b. We get angry at the wrong person for the wrong reason.

2. The Shape of Jesus’ Anger 25 min.

Teach: Let us look at good anger in Jesus’ life. This story is made richer by combining Matthew, Luke,
and Mark’s account. [Give each person a copy.]

Read: The Man With a Crippled Hand

On another Sabbath [Jesus] went into the synagogue and was teaching, and a man was there whose
right hand was shriveled (Luke 6:6). Looking for a reason to accuse Jesus [the Pharisees] watched him
closely to see if he would heal on the Sabbath. They asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”
(Matthew 12:10b)
Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone” (Mark 3:3).
Then Jesus said to them, “If any of you has a sheep and it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will you not
take hold of it and lift it out? How much more valuable is a man than a sheep! Therefore it is lawful to
do good on the Sabbath” (Matthew 12:11-12). Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath:
to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent.
He looked around at them in anger. Deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, Jesus said to the man,
“Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. Then the Pharisees
went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus (Mark 3:4-6).

Q. Luke was a physician. Does his account mention any details that a doctor
would particularly notice?
He notices that the man’s right hand is crippled, making his disability that much worse.

Q. Mark probably developed his gospel from Peter’s sermons. We know Peter was
an emotional person. Is there anything in Mark’s account that an emotional per-
son might notice?
Mark mentions Jesus’ anger.

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Q. Matthew was a tax collector. Tax collectors were usually well educated and flu-
ent in several languages. Is this at all evident in Matthew’s account?
Matthew notices Jesus’ teaching, his logical arguments.

Q. What’s the overall effect of different views or accounts of Jesus?

It gives a richer, more complete picture of Jesus.

Historical Background
Capernaum Synagogue 1
 Archaeologists have uncovered a synagogue in Capernaum that could be the site of this scene. Found
under the remains of another synagogue, its walls are four feet thick and made of basalt. (Capernaum
was a center for the manufacture of olive presses made from highly durable black basalt rock.)
 Imagine a low ceiling with columns supporting the roof. Benches along the outside wall, facing the
people, would be for the elders or visiting dignitaries. One more prominent seat, called “Moses’ Seat,”
was reserved for the most important teacher.
 The books of the Law and the Prophets would be stored away in a box or ark. Several ancient syna-
gogues have a hole in the wall cut out for the placement of the ark.
 In medieval synagogues men and women were divided, but we don’t know if that was true in Jesus’ day.
 The synagogue service would begin with the reading of the Law and the Prophets. Someone would
paraphrase the passage into Aramaic (called a “targum”), the language of the people. Then some-
one—any Jewish male—would preach a sermon.
 It appears from the passage that Jesus is the speaker (implied by Jesus telling the man to rise and come
forward). The speaker’s podium would have been in front of the row of elders.

Q. What’s the the Pharisees’ attitude toward the disabled man from the very begin-
ning of the story?
[Teach what they do not say.] They’re using a disabled man to start an argument with Jesus in order to make
themselves look good. Matthew 12:10 shows that they’re treating this man as an object. They’re trying to
trap Jesus, using this man as bait.

Q. What is Jesus’ first response to the Pharisees’ question?

Jesus has the man stand up in front of everyone.

Q. Why does Jesus have the man come forward?

Possibly, Jesus wants the Pharisees to look at the man.

Q. Why might Jesus want them to look at the man?

He wants to ignite compassion in their lives.

Teach: Jesus is on the offensive. Instead of being afraid of the Pharisees’ opinion, he deals directly
with them, saying, in effect, “You want to talk about this man? Then let’s talk. Stand up.” Jesus fearlessly
walks into their trap by moving toward the man. What they’re treating as an object, Jesus treats as a prize,
something to be honored.

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 Q. After the man stands, how does Jesus try to ignite the Pharisees’ compassion?
 He reasons with them, appealing to their common sense, giving them an example from their own
lives. He points out that if a sheep fell into a pit on the Sabbath, they’d help it. Now, if they’d help a
sheep (which has much less value than a man), then why wouldn’t they help this man?
 He questions them, letting them decide on their own instead of telling them.

Historical Background
Rabbinical Argument
Jesus is using standard rabbinical argument. He argues from the lesser (a sheep) to the greater (a man).

Pits
Jesus’ reference to a pit seems odd to us, since pits aren’t common today. But they were all over the
Ancient Near East. They’re frequently found in archaeological sites.

Q. How does Jesus’ question fit what we’ve learned about incarnating, entering
into another’s world?
Jesus is trying to get the Pharisees to understand, to walk in this man’s shoes. He makes his argument
ridiculously obvious by saying, “What if it’s not a person in peril, but your sheep?”

Q. How does Jesus teach them to follow the Golden Rule?

He shows them how to think first about how they treat a sheep, and then applies that thinking about
sheep to help them relate to this man.

Q. Jesus repeats the Pharisees’ original question, “Is it lawful to heal on the
Sabbath?” How does Jesus change the meaning of their question?
He changes the meaning of their question from a judgmental attack to a plea for mercy.

Teach: This scene is a mirror of Jesus’ self-description, “I have not come to judge the world, but to
save the world.” The Pharisees are focused on judgment, and Jesus on mercy.

Q. How do they respond to Jesus’ plea for mercy on the man with the crippled hand?
Silence. They refuse to answer their own question when it’s put back to them. They refuse to give Jesus
permission to heal.

Q. The Pharisees had begun by trying to trap Jesus. But what’s happened now?
Jesus has them trapped. If they answer “to kill,” then they’ll violate the Law of Moses. If they say “to heal,”
then they’ll be agreeing with Jesus.

Q. What are their hearts like?

Focused on themselves. Proud. Unmerciful.

Q. What is Jesus’ response to their silence?

Jesus is furious at their coldness and hard-heartedness.

Q. What two emotions does Jesus feel?

Mark mentions two emotions: Grief and anger. Jesus looks at them with anger.

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Q. How might Jesus’ emotions have been physically displayed on him?
Eyes on fire. Tight muscles in his face.

Q. Which emotion comes first in Jesus?

Grief (though this isn’t clear in many translations).

Teach: The Greek text shows that Jesus’ anger results from being grieved at the hardness of the
Pharisees’ hearts. The grieving causes the anger.

Q. At the most basic level, why do people grieve?

They’re in pain. They’re hurt.

Q. What has hurt Jesus?

The Pharisees’ hardness of heart toward the crippled man has hurt Jesus. He’s in pain.

Teach: Implications of Jesus’ Anger

 Jesus’ response illustrates the process of good anger. Anger can be a good reaction to pain.2
 It would be sinful for Jesus not to be angry! There are times when we sin if we’re not angry!
 To be a compassionate person means, by definition, that we have to open the door of our heart to anger.

Read: B. B. Warfield on Good Anger

“It would be impossible…for a moral being to stand in the presence of…wrong, indifferent and
unmoved. Precisely what we mean by a moral being is a being perceptive of the difference between right and
wrong, and reacting appropriately to right and wrong.... The emotions of indignation and anger belong, there-
fore, to the very self-expression of a moral being…and cannot be lacking … in the presence of wrong.”3

Gospel Connection: Jesus’ anger at sin drove him to the cross. Jesus’ anger always produces
something good.

Q. Why do you think Jesus asks this man to stretch out his hand?
We don’t know for sure, but doing so would call everyone’s attention to the man’s hand. It’s the only
time that Jesus asks a person to stretch out a body part to be healed.

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

3. Reflections on Jesus’ Anger 20 min.

Q. Remember when we listed the dangers of anger? How does Jesus avoid each
of the three dangers?
[Refer back to the first brainstorming question where we listed the three ways that our anger is wrong.]
1. He’s restrained (vs. overreaction). His anger shows only in his looking.
2. He’s focused on the needs of the crippled man (vs. selfish motivation).
3. He’s honest (vs. denial). He’s clearly angry.

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 Draw: Primary Movement of Love [Review]

Helping

Compassion

Looking

Draw: Secondary Movement of Love

Honesty
I share my concerns with you because I
love you. I’m not just trying to get some-

{
thing off my chest. I risk your disapproval.

Anger I’m honest about

I’m bothered by something you do. my anger; but I
I don’t think it’s right. don’t let my anger
control me.

Looking

Read: Robertson & Muriel McQuilkin

Robertson McQuilkin resigned his job as a university president to care for his wife Muriel, who has
Alzheimer’s.
He writes: “Once, I completely lost it. In the days when Muriel could still stand and walk and we had not
resorted to diapers, sometimes there were ‘accidents.’ I was on my knees beside her, trying to clean up the
mess as she stood, confused by the toilet. It would have been easier if she weren’t so insistent on helping. I got
more and more frustrated. Suddenly, to make her stand still, I slapped her calf—as if that would do any good.
It wasn’t a hard slap, but she was startled. I was, too. Never in our 44 years of marriage had I ever so much as
touched her in anger or in rebuke of any kind…. Sobbing, I pled with her to forgive me—no matter that she
didn’t understand words any better than she could speak them…. It took me days to get over it. Maybe God
bottled those tears to quench the fires that might ignite again some day.”4

Q. Was Robertson’s anger wrong?

Yes.

Teach: It’s hard to acknowledge that he was wrong, because we’re sympathetic to his plight; in the
same situation we might have done the same thing. If we judge him, then we’re judging ourselves. But
Robertson believes he did something wrong. He was shamed by his anger.

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Q. What was wrong with his anger?
[Write their answers.]
1. It was focused on his own convenience. Like many Americans, Robertson loves efficiency. That was
his idol. When his wife blocked his idol, he lashed out.
2. It was an over-reaction. It’s always wrong to strike someone in anger.
3. She didn’t know what she was doing.

Q. What do we do when we have angrily over-reacted?

 We usually compensate by trying to be good.
 We excuse ourselves by looking at our circumstances.

Illustration: Speech Computer Camp (Paul Miller)

At a speech computer camp that Kim and I once attended, the conditions were often difficult. The dormitories
were cramped, the food was awful, and the caregivers were stuck taking care of disabled kids without a break.
A dad lost his temper at his son in front of our entire cabin. He spent the rest of the weekend programming
his son’s speech computer. Guilt drove him to try to pay for his sins.

Modern Culture: Guilt. Our media culture says that guilt isn’t real. But then why do so
many people act guilty? What they actually feel is guilt over breaking divine law. They might not recog-
nize it as such, but that’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Teach:
 Jesus offers forgiveness for our wrongful anger. We need to say with the tax collector, “God be merci-
ful to me a sinner.” We shouldn’t try to balance out our failures by being good; we need to realize
that we can’t do it anyway.
 If we try to control bad anger by will-power, we’ll most likely fail. Instead, we should begin by asking
forgiveness. When we own our problems, then we can also own forgiveness because of Jesus’ death,
and we can disown our guilt.

Anger isn’t intrinsically bad. It’s emotionally volatile, however, and can easily get out of hand. Two fac-
tors determine whether anger is appropriate: its cause and its effect. We can ask ourselves these two
questions: (1) Why am I angry? (2) How do I express my anger?

(1) Why am I angry?

a. Good reasons: injustice, immorality, hypocrisy in others, etc. (e.g., Jesus’ anger at the Pharisees refus-
ing to help someone on the Sabbath).
b. Bad reasons: I don’t get what I want, something happens to me to make me look bad, or any other
selfish/self-promoting motivation (e.g., the Pharisees becoming angry because Jesus thwarted their
plan to trap him).

(2) How do I express my anger?

a. Good expressions: doing something constructive to resolve the wrong that has caused my anger, either
by rebuking those who are doing wrong (e.g. Jesus with the disciples who are preventing the children
from coming to him), or fixing/removing the cause of anger (e.g., Jesus cleansing the temple of its
robbers, Jesus healing the man’s crippled hand).
b. Bad expressions: lashing out uncontrollably, shouting, stomping around, cursing, making threats,
belittling or demeaning others, resorting to any sinful activity, etc. (e.g. the Pharisees plotting to kill
Jesus).

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 Appendix
Read: Mark 2:23-28 —Lord of the Sabbath
[This passage introduces the previous scene in the synagogue. It makes a good introduction to the lesson, but then
the lesson becomes too long. If you want to include this material then split the lesson into two lessons, breaking after the
second point above. It is not likely that this passage is sequential in terms of time since Mark has grouped these stories,
plus all of Mark 2, into a classic chiastic pattern, meaning that each part of the sequence is mirrored by another part.]

Teach: Mark 2:23-24

 Jesus and his disciples fed themselves by plucking the heads of grain with their hands, something
accepted by the Law of Moses. Deuteronomy 23:25 says, “If you enter your neighbor’s grainfield, you
may pick kernels with your hands, but you must not put a sickle to his standing grain.”
 The Pharisees made the law into an idol and missed its real meaning. They made the law stricter than
it actually was so that even if they messed up they’d still be obeying the law. This practice of “fencing
the law” added layer upon layer of rules to the Law of Moses.

Mark 2:25-28
 Jesus’ first answer is startling. In effect he says, “Like King David, I have royal authority to take food
and give it to my companions.”
 Then Jesus states the principle: “The Sabbath is a gift, but you’ve made it into a burden with your
legalism. You have the law backwards; it’s people who are important. What does the law tell us to do?
What is the right thing to do? Take care of hungry people!” The Pharisees block compassion through
their self-centered “law enforcement.”
 Finally, Jesus returns to the theme of his royal authority making the absolutely astounding claim that
he is Lord of the Sabbath.
 At the feeding of the 5,000, Jesus’ looking at people fueled his compassion, which in turn caused
him to bear their burden of hunger. Now, he’s asking the Pharisees to do exactly the same thing that
he did. In other words, he’s telling them, “Look at my disciples, have compassion on them. They’re
hungry.”

Notes:
1. E. Yamauchi, “Synagogue,” Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1992), pp. 781-784;
Alfred Edersheim, The Life and Times of Jesus the Messiah (Iowa Falls, IA: World Bible Publishers, 1971), pp. 434-436.
2. “The fundamental psychology of anger is curiously illustrated by this account; for anger always has pain at its root, and is a reaction
of the soul against what gives it discomfort. The hardness of their hearts, vividly realized, hurt Jesus; and his anger rose in repulsion
of the cause of his pain.” B.B. Warfield, The Person and Work of Christ (Philadelphia, PA: P&R Publishing, 1950), p. 108.
3. Warfield, p. 107.
4. Robertson McQuilkin, “Muriel’s Blessing,” Christianity Today (Feb 5, 1996), p. 33.

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 LESSON 15
Good Irritation & Rage
Summary
We first observe Jesus modeling good irritation with his disciples when they prevent the little children from
coming to him. Jesus uses the weakness of little children to illustrate how following him works. Following Jesus
is radically different from religion because it is not about trying to do something, but rather about realizing
that we cannot do it.

Then we examine Jesus when he is angry at the corruption in the temple that is preventing Gentiles from pray-
ing. Seeing Jesus’ anger is both satisfying and unnerving. Usually we are unwilling to risk that kind of honesty.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—8b: Honest Anger.

Outline
1. Mild Irritation: Jesus and the Little Children 20 min
2. Controlled Rage: Jesus Cleansing the Temple 20 min
3. The Tender Warrior 5 min Total 45 min

Goals
Love: Irritation can be a good way of loving people when they have done something wrong and hurt others.
Faith: Helplessness is the only way to come to Jesus.
Jesus: The same hands that touch little children hold a whip. Jesus is no wimp. He is a conquering king.

Lesson Preparation
Apply this lesson to your heart first. Reflect on when and why you get irritated. Examine what you get angry
about and why. Compare that with Jesus and how and why he gets angry.

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 1. Mild Irritation: Jesus and the Little Children 20 min.

Q. Think of something recently that irritated you. What kinds of things get you
irritated?
[Write their answers.]
Waiting in lines, kids not listening or obeying, etc.

Read: Mark 10:13-16—Jesus and the Little Children

Teach: The word for irritation here means the same as ours. Jesus is vexed, annoyed, frustrated.

Q. Why do you think the disciples wouldn’t allow the little children to come to Jesus?
[Write their answers.]
 They disliked little kids.
 They assumed that Jesus wouldn’t want to be bothered.
 They had more important things to do.

Historical Background
Children
Our modern, romantic notion of children as being special in their own right and as representing purity
and innocence is an unknown concept throughout the rest of history. Little children were to be “seen
and not heard.” What Jesus does here would strike people in that culture as odd.

Q. Why is Jesus irritated at the disciples?

[Write their answers.]
1. Because of their superiority: assuming that little children aren’t important.
2. Because they haven’t understood the very heart of what Jesus is all about: His kingdom is not about
power but weakness; not about lording it over others but serving and suffering.
Read: Matthew 5:3,5
“Blessed are the poor in spirit. … Blessed are the meek.”

Q. How does Jesus’ teaching about the “poor in spirit” and the “meek” fit in with
what he says about little children?
[Write their answers.]
1. As members of one of the least important segments of society, children are examples of meekness.
2. As people who have little power, they, like the lepers, are to be welcomed, cared for, and valued.

Q. What does Jesus mean when he says we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven
unless we become like little children?
Little children are helpless. They’re trusting, without reservations. The only criterion for coming to Jesus
is our awareness of our need.

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 Gospel Connection: Coming to Jesus with something in our hands is religion. He wants us
to come like little children. Religion is about our efforts to get to God in our own strength. It’s about
morally improving ourselves, pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. For example:
 In Islam, the Muslim has to perform five duties to get to heaven (pray five times a day toward Mecca,

fast during the month of Ramadan, make a pilgrimage to Mecca, give alms to the poor, and confess,
“There is no God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet”).
 Buddhists have to follow the 8-fold path.
 Hindus have to live a good life so that their karma (good deeds) builds up for the next life.

I mention these other religions because some say that all religions are different ways to the same God.
The truth is that there’s a radical difference between Jesus and religion. Jesus tells us to become weak,
like little children. In the account of the two men praying in the temple, Jesus commends the tax collec-
tor who says, “God be merciful to me a sinner.” Pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps just doesn’t work!
What works is saying to God, “Help me. I can’t do life on my own.”

Q. How is Jesus’ irritation here similar to his anger in the synagogue over the man
with the crippled hand?
[Various answers. Write their answers.]
 Jesus is upset when others fail to show compassion to the weak.
 It is other-centered.

Q. When we’re interrupted by “unimportant,” annoying people, how do we usually

react?
We tend to get irritated because we’ve been interrupted. (If it’s an “important” person, however, we tend
to enjoy the interruption.)

Q. When Jesus is interrupted by “unimportant” people (in this case, little children),
does he get irritated with the interruption, or with the disciples who’re blocking
the interruption?
Jesus gets upset that his disciples won’t let him be interrupted. He loves to love.

Teach: We get irritated because we’re interrupted, but Jesus gets irritated because he isn’t
interrupted!

Q. What’s the difference between our irritation while waiting in traffic and Jesus’
irritation in this story?
[Write their answers.]

JESUS US

Thinks about children Think about ourselves

Takes positive action Seethe with resentment
Lets go of irritation Tend to hold on to irritation
Loves being with Dislike being with
“unimportant” people “unimportant” people

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 Teach: Bad Irritation
 We get irritated about waiting in lines because “my time is important. I have too much to do to wait.”
[Draw out from their answers the problem of “self.”]
 Christianity recognizes that humanity’s central problem is the human ego or self. Buddhism sees a
similar problem, but can offer no better solution than the dissolution of the self into the “all.” The
Christian, on the other hand, seeks the dissolution of the pride of self before a personal God, produc-
ing oneness with other people and with God.

Good Irritation. While it’s true that most of our irritation is wrong, irritation isn’t inherently
bad. Jesus models good irritation for us. Sometimes we beat up on ourselves for getting irritated, but
irritation can be appropriate at times—for instance, it’s a normal response to the pain caused by others’
selfishness.

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

2. Controlled Rage: Jesus Cleansing the Temple 20 min

Now we’ll look at the opposite extreme: Jesus at his angriest.

Read: Mark 11:15-18—Jesus Cleanses the Temple

Draw: Temple
Court of Gentiles

Court of Israelites

Court of Priests
Holy of Holy Court of
Holies Place Women

Historical Background
The Temple
 The temple was the holiest place in Israel, the place where God dwelt on earth. The Old Testament
prescribed exactly how temple worship should be done and who could come enter the various areas.
 Jews and believing Gentiles came from all over the world to worship here. They had to buy their
sacrificial lambs from the ones selected by the priests and offered for sale by merchants.
 Worshippers also had to pay a half-shekel temple tax payable only in coins from the city of Tyre made
of a high quality silver. Each of these coins (called a stater or tetradrachm) was equal to two half-shekels,

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 so two worshippers would go together to exchange for one. Moneychangers would set up their booths
for approximately one month each year, when the tax was due.
 There are four possible reasons for Jesus’ anger. All may have played a part in his actions.1
1. Merchants were cheating people, either in selling the lambs or in the coin exchange.2
2. Jesus was upset that the presence of moneychangers in the Court of the Gentiles prevented
Gentiles from praying. Jesus’ comment about prayer suggests this possibility.
3. Jesus was making a statement about his authority over the temple—that he was greater than the
temple. This is suggested not only by Jesus’ bold actions but by his statement in John 2:13-17 that
his body was the new temple. Jesus’ claim to authority over the temple was central to the charges
brought against him later at his trial. Jesus’ action would be equivalent in our culture to removing
the American flag from the Capitol building and putting up a flag of our own!
4. Jesus was prophetically acting out a parable of the destruction of Jerusalem that occurred in AD
70. This is suggested by Mark’s framing the incident with Jesus’ curse on the fig tree. The fig tree
was a symbol of Israel.

Q. What was Jesus like as he did this?

[Teach what they do not say.] Quite calm, actually. He was very controlled. He took the time to make a
whip. [Only John mentions this detail.3] And there’s no reference to his emotions in any of the four different
accounts. But imagine what he was like, driving out the merchants, pouring out the coins, and overturn-
ing the tables. It was a controlled rage.

Q. How do you honestly feel about Jesus’ actions?

[Write their answers. Divide their responses into positive and negative categories.]
1. It’s unnerving, unsettling, uncomfortable. It seems out of character for Jesus.
2. It’s gratifying to see justice done so powerfully, so forcefully.

Teach: Deep down we know that some things are always and absolutely wrong: murder, adultery,
betrayal. Many movies have a tension between good and evil that resolves itself at the end when the “bad
guy” gets justice.

Q. Think of a situation in which you’ve seen someone hurt by an evil person.

Picture Jesus coming into that situation and confronting the person who’s
doing wrong. How do you feel about that?
[Write their answers.]
Justice is sweet. It’s gratifying to see good triumph over evil.

[These next questions focus on how justice feels.]

Read: Matthew 10:34
“I’ve not come to bring peace but a sword.”

Q. How do you feel about Jesus’ comment?

[Write their answers.]
Troubled. We think of Jesus as always being peaceful.

Q. When you’ve done something wrong and someone comes to you and confronts
you about it, what does it feel like?
[Various answers.] A sharp sword.

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 Teach: Understanding Evil
 Jesus’ anger is a door to understanding the hideousness of evil. The more we begin to see evil in
ourselves and in others, the more understandable Jesus’ rage becomes.
 If Jesus’ anger bothers you, ask yourself if you’ve ever faced:
a. The hideousness of evil in others.
b. The evil in your own heart: Your coldness to human need; your hypocrisy and tendency to be like
the Pharisees; your capacity to betray others; your willingness to lay burdens on others in order to
spare yourself.

Read: C.S. Lewis on Love and Kindness

“There is a kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous [synonymous], and when
kindness…is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its
object, and even something like contempt of it. Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object—we
have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suf-
fer.
“Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes
suffering. As Scripture points out (Hebrews 12), it is bastards who are spoiled: the legitimate sons, who are
to carry on the family tradition, are punished. It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand
happiness on any terms: with our friends, our loves, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them
suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes [illicit drugs would be an extreme example].
If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. It is apparent, from all the records,
that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has
paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense.”4

Teach:
 Lewis’ point is that honesty and justice treat people with dignity.
 We desire justice, yet we’re often unwilling to bear the cost of justice.
 This doesn’t mean that we should go around machine-gunning people with our words. (In the next
couple of lessons, we’ll be looking at how Jesus’ honesty is controlled.) On the other hand, we’re
all guilty at times of being unwilling to risk honesty because we’re wrongfully trying to protect our-
selves.

Gospel Connection: God’s commitment to justice cost him the death of his son. God poured
out his wrath on Jesus, the wrath that we deserved. God’s justice cost him everything.

3. The Tender Warrior 5 min.

Teach:
1. Jesus’ anger is other-centered: He never gets angry about things people do to him. He’s upset when the
disciples block the little children. He’s upset when the moneychangers block the worship of non-Jews.
2. Jesus gets upset about two things: When compassion is blocked, and when faith is blocked. Both of
the incidents we’ve looked at in this lesson involve people who are hindering faith in others.
3. Jesus’ anger does good: It heals crippled hands, quiets the temple for prayer, allows children to be
hugged.

Q. Who is this Jesus? He gets irritated over not being interrupted by little children,
and yet he clears out the temple with a whip.
[Let this soak in.] It’s awesome. He’s a complete man—gentle and strong, humble and powerful. He is truly
the Tender Warrior. He’s the kind of leader we all long to devote our lives to.

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Illustration: From The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, by C.S. Lewis
The beaver is talking with one of the children, Susan, about the Lion, Aslan, who is a Christ-figure.

“Is he—quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.” [Susan]
“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver, “If there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan
without his knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”
“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver. “Don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ’Course
he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”5

Notes:
1. D. A. Carson, The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), p. 178. Also, Mishnah, Shakalin 1:1,3; and
N. T. Wright, Jesus and the Victory of God (Fortress Press), pp. 413-428.
2. This used to be the principal interpretation, but it is now widely dismissed by scholars because we have no record of this kind of
cheating in the temple. Yet just 36 years later at the beginning of the Jewish revolt in AD 66, the Jewish populace stormed the
temple and destroyed the mortgage records that were stored there. That incident (described by Josephus) suggests that the temple
authorities were engaged in fraud or exploitation. Furthermore, the Essenes (transcribers of the Dead Sea Scrolls) charged the
Jerusalem priesthood with corruption. Jesus repeatedly charged the Jewish religious leadership with different forms of corruption.
Jesus’ reference to the moneychangers as “robbers” suggests this possibility. N. T. Wright and others argue that “robbers” actually
means “revolutionaries.” I think they stretch the language in reaching that conclusion.
3. Jesus made a whip to clear out the cattle either at this cleansing or an earlier one. Each of the gospels mentions the cleansing of the
temple. Only John (2:13-17) puts it at the beginning of Jesus’ ministry. Most scholars think that these all refer to the same incident,
with John putting the incident in a different time order. Others think that the straightforward reading is the most likely—that is,
Jesus cleansed the temple twice. D. A. Carson discusses this at length in his commentary on John. Other than the desire of many
scholars to uncover Gnostic secrets, there is no good reason to believe that Jesus didn’t cleanse the temple twice.
4. C. S. Lewis, The Business of Heaven (New York: Harcourt, Brace, and Co., 1984) pp.23-24.
5. C. S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (New York: Macmillan, 1950), pp. 75-76.

Lesson 15: Good Irritation & Rage 127

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128 Unit 2: Honesty

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 LESSON 16
A Time to Shut Up
Summary
In this lesson, we will see that when Jesus is honest with Peter he does not try to “win” or get in the last word.
Jesus is willing to wait for God to reveal truth to Peter.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—9a: A Time to Shut Up.

Outline
1. Honesty Does Not Try to Win 20 min
2. Honesty Is Content to Wait 15 min
3. Honesty Is Surrounded by Compassion 15 min
4. Honesty Is For the Other Person 10 min Total 60 min

Goals
Love: Honesty should not try to win by getting in the last word, and it should be surrounded by compassion.
Faith: If we trust God when we are honest with others, then we can relax if they do not listen. We do not have
to demand that they change.

Lesson Preparation
After reading the lesson, reflect on some of your own weaknesses in the area of honesty, or on times when you
have been able to be honest even when it hurt. Be ready to share these with the group.

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 1. Honesty Does Not Try to Win 20 min.

Q. What wrong tendencies do we have when we’re honest with someone?

[Write their answers. Refer back to this list at different points throughout the lesson.]
 Holier-than-thou
 Sarcastic
 Accusing
 Judgmental
 Wishy-washy (the opposite extreme)

Teach: Let’s look at how Jesus avoids some of these problems in an argument with Peter. It’s the
evening of the Last Supper and Jesus has predicted to his disciples that when the authorities seize him
they will all desert him. Peter disagrees with Jesus.

Read: Mark 14:27-31—Jesus and Peter Argue

Q. What does Peter’s comment, “Even if all fall away, I will not,” tell us about what
Peter is like, particularly in the area of his weaknesses?
[Write their answers.]
 He’s self-confident.
 He thinks he’s better than the rest of the disciples.
 He loves Jesus very much. [I include this here because, as with all of us, Peter’s sin is mixed with love.]

Q. Why doesn’t Peter say to Jesus, “Lord, I don’t understand what you’re saying, but
you’ve seen so many things I haven’t seen that I wonder what I’m missing”?
[They might laugh at the way this question is phrased because it sounds strange for anyone to be so humble.] We
don’t receive criticism and disagreement as a gift. We tend to be self-righteous.

Q. How do we usually receive criticism?

[Write their answers.]
 We retaliate by picking apart the way the criticism was said.
 We analyze the other person’s life: “He does the same thing.”
 We devise arguments to defend ourselves.

Q. When Peter says, “Even if all fall away, I will not”? what does he fail to see about
himself?
[Write their answers.]
 His sense of his own infallibility.
 His need.
 His pride. [If the group does not see Peter’s pride, draw it out with questions: “How does Peter view himself

in relationship to the other disciples?”]

Q. Who has the last word in the argument?

Peter does.

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 Teach: In the Greek, the verb tense in 14:31 (“insisted emphatically”) is present perfect, which indi-
cates that Peter kept saying it repeatedly.

Q. To an outsider, who appears to have “won” the argument?

It appears that Peter won the argument. At least he got the last word.

Q. What is one characteristic of Jesus’ honesty that we see in this incident?

Jesus doesn’t try to win.

Q. Why doesn’t Jesus say anything more?

[Write their answers. Teach what they do not say.]
 There’d be no real point in it. It would just be more words that could lead to quarreling.
 Jesus already knows what’s going to happen.

Teach: [Additional answers that the group may not get.]

 Most of the time, we feel an overwhelming need to respond to everything a person says that’s incorrect.
 Jesus is content to let his Father control events. If God is in control, then we don’t have to be in
control. Because he trusts his Father, he can be quiet and let Peter have the last word.
 Honesty is not an opportunity for us to get things off our chests. Honesty is for others, to help them.
 God wants us to be his messengers. We want to be district attorneys, prosecuting others.

Q. When someone disagrees with you in an argument, are you more like Peter,
having to get in the last word, or like Jesus, resting in God’s control?
More like Peter.

Q. Why do we feel compelled to keep going when the other person doesn’t listen
to us? Why do we have trouble being quiet?
[Write their answers. Teach what they do not say.]
1. We want to be heard.
2. “My way or no way.”
3. We want to win.
4. We’re on a roll and instinctively think, “the more words, the better.”
5. We think it’s up to us to change the other person.
6. If we don’t say something, who will?

Q. How does our attitude compare with Peter’s when he said, “Even if all fall away,
I will not”? What does our attitude reveal about us?
Like Peter, we’re filled with pride and self-centeredness.

Draw: Self on throne

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 Gospel Connection:
 We see Peter’s “self-on-the-throne” when he compares himself favorably with the other disciples and
when he argues with Jesus.
 The basic human problem is that we want to be God; if we’re God, then everything depends on our
words and actions. To sin is to play God. We want to be the fourth member of the Trinity. But there
haven’t been any openings in the Trinity for thousands of years—in fact, since the beginning of time!
(Notice in the 6 responses above how this desire to be God comes through.)
 This is why we need a Savior. Peter doesn’t need merely a good example; he needs a Savior.

Teaching Tip:
Pick up one of the above thoughts (e.g., “we need a Savior, not just an example”) and repeat it through-
out the lesson. A slogan unifies a lesson and drives home a point with very few words. Jesus uses this
technique in his teaching. He uses short phrases that summarize a mountain of truth. It gives the
listener a simple way of recalling the entire lesson.

Teach: Authenticity of the Bible [This is an aside.]

1. Notice how real this account of Peter is. It’s very life-like. This is exactly how people argue. They boast,
they want to have the last word.
2. Peter was the earliest leader of the church in Jerusalem and of the twelve apostles. According to early
church tradition, he also became one of the leaders of the church in Rome. Also according to early
church tradition, Peter’s sermons provided the material for the book of Mark.

Q. Given Peter’s importance in the early church, why is this story unusual? Do
founders of companies, countries, and religions talk about their failures?
No. Leader’s don’t usually talk about their failures.

Historical Background
Writing History
[Use wisdom about whether to use this illustration. You do not want to offend needlessly.]
Every account of history reflects the bias of the historian’s particular group. So when white, Anglo-Saxon
men wrote about the history of America they glorified white men, ignoring the disenfranchised and gloss-
ing over their own failings. Now, when the disenfranchised write American history books they do the
same thing. They tend to ignore their own failings. As humans, we’re unable to avoid being influenced by
the worldview of our particular tribe. The writers of the Bible, however, display an “un-human” worldview
that doesn’t glorify the writer or his tribe. In fact, the central tribe in the Bible, the Israelites, come across
as failing over and over again. The best explanation for this is divine inspiration, a divine viewpoint.

2. Honesty Is Content to Wait 15 min.

Read: Mark 14:66-72—Peter Disowns Jesus

Q. What has Peter done here?

He betrays his best friend, Jesus.

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 Historical Background
Galileans
This scene has an amusing side to it. Galileans were clearly recognizable by their accent. The more Peter
denies that he’s a follower of Jesus, the more he proves it! Imagine a southerner (with a full southern
drawl) insisting to a Yankee that he’s not a southerner.

Q. Think about these two scenes for a minute: First, the one when Peter insists
that he wouldn’t deny Jesus, and now this one when Peter denies Jesus. Why
do you think Jesus is content in the first scene not to have the last word?
[Teach what they do not say.] Jesus is content to let life’s events unfold. More specifically, he’s content to
let his Father in heaven reveal what needs to be revealed.

Read: Luke 12:2—Hidden Things Revealed

Q. What principle does Jesus state here?

Whatever is hidden will be revealed.

Q. What was first hidden but later revealed about Peter? In other words, what was
wrong with Peter that he himself didn’t see?
Peter’s commitment to protect himself at all costs; his self-will. These were hidden from Peter but not
from Jesus. [Refer again to the diagram of self on throne.]

Teach: A Hidden Pattern. The pride that we saw in Peter when he compared himself with
the other disciples (“Even if all fall away…”), and the self-will that insisted he wouldn’t fall away, set Peter
up for his failure in front of the fire. Both sins came through. He was concerned about how he looked
in front of the servant girls. He didn’t want to look like a follower of Jesus, and he insisted emphatically,
finally swearing, that he didn’t even know Jesus.

Draw: Chart
TWO INCIDENTS, Peter Swearing Fidelity Peter Swearing In the
SAME PATTERN: at the Last Supper Priest’s Courtyard

Pride: “Even if all fall away… .” Concerned about looking

Concerned about looking like a follower of Jesus in
good in front of disciples. front of the servants.

Self-will: Insists repeatedly that he Denies knowing Jesus 3

would never fall away. times and finally swears.

Q. How does the knowledge that hidden things will be revealed affect honesty, and
how is this principle comforting when people don’t listen to our honesty?
[Teach what they do not say.]
 Truth will eventually come out. It’s not up to us to make sure everything comes out.
Lesson 12: The Gif t of Honesty 133
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  Because hidden things will be revealed, we don’t have to try to reveal hidden things to our spouses
about themselves. We don’t have to make sure that others understand us.
 Because hidden things will be revealed, we don’t have to have the last word. We don’t need to keep
pursuing it when someone is in error. We can mention it once and then move on.

Teach: Honesty is a Gift. If the other person doesn’t receive our honesty, that isn’t our
responsibility. We offer our honesty as a gift. If we know that God is in control, then we don’t feel the
pressure to make others understand.

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

3. Honesty Is Surrounded by Compassion 15 min.

Read: John 13:36-14:1—Jesus and Peter

Teach: This is John’s account of Peter’s denial. The Greek text doesn’t have chapter endings. So the
last verse of chapter 13 and the first verse of 14 go together. [Read them as one thought. Notice that John
summarizes, as we often do when describing conversations.]

Q. What is Jesus’ response when Peter keeps saying that he won’t betray Jesus?
Jesus begins to express compassion. He talks about heaven, security, not being afraid.

Teach: If Peter were to realize that his real home is in heaven, he wouldn’t be so concerned about
earning a reputation down here. Jesus gently shows Peter the solution to his needs. He surrounds his
honesty toward Peter with compassion. Compassion = “yes” and honesty = “no.” A “no” is surrounded
by “yes.”

Write: yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, NO, yes, yes, yes

Q. Which is the hardest “yes” and the most important “yes”?

[Refer to the flip chart.] The “yes” right after the “no.”

Teach: Our ability to move from honesty to compassion (especially when the other person hasn’t
listened to us) reveals that we aren’t trying to win with our honesty.

Q. Why is it hard to show compassion after people have trashed our honesty?
[Write their answers. Teach what they do not say.]
 They might get the impression that they won.
 They might think that we agree with them.
 We fear being controlled.
 It doesn’t seem fair that they should get the last word when they were the ones in the wrong. We were

just trying to help them.

 We know we’re right and we’re just getting started. We’re on a roll.
 We want to “win.”
 We feel hurt or rejected, and we want to withdraw.

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Principle: Think “lose”—that will help us recognize when we’re trying to win.
Illustration: Controlled Honesty: A True Story
[The following story also makes a good intro to the next lesson.]

Husband: We’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t had time to tell you. Bob told me he was sorry for how he
judged me three years ago.
Wife: I don’t even remember that.
Husband: Yeah, it was really neat. He’s continued to judge me for several years. In fact it led to that big
mess a while back.
Wife: Oh, whatever.
(Several minutes’ pause in the conversation.)
Wife: Do you want to see the upholstery on the furniture I fixed?
Husband: I’d love to.
(They look at the furniture and talk about it for several minutes.)

Q. How does the wife treat the husband? What might be particularly hard for the
husband?
She treats him badly. He’s genuinely interested in something and she’s cold and dismissive.

Q. What’s striking about the husband’s response? That is, what doesn’t he do that
most people would do?
He doesn’t retaliate. He doesn’t say to himself, “Well, if you aren’t going to be interested in my world,
then I’m not going to be interested in yours either.”

Teach: Why did the husband not respond?

 He knows that she had a hard conversation two days before, and she’s still smarting from it.
 She isn’t feeling well.
 She’s had a hard week with another family member.
 She’s had a busy night.

Staying Quiet
 Instinctively we want to blast others when we’re being honest with them. When they don’t hear us
we want to increase the volume. But nothing could be further from love. Honesty is for the good of
the other person.
 We don’t always have to tell others when they’ve hurt us, or point out that they haven’t listened to
us. We can choose to handle hurts purely internally. We can decide to shut up.

4. Honesty Is for the Other Person 10 min.

Teach: Examples of How Jesus’ Honesty Is for Other People

 Peter at the Last Supper. Jesus wanted to help Peter by warning him of his egotism. Jesus’ warning at
the Last Supper would prepare Peter for the shock of seeing the evil in his own heart. Some people
can’t handle the shock and end up committing suicide, as Judas did. So Jesus spoke to Peter once

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 (14:27,28) and then repeated his warning (14:30). There was no need to say anything else after that.
 Simon. Jesus was for Simon when he rebuked him for his attitude toward the woman. It was wrong
for Simon to despise her. If no one warned him, then he’d keep looking down on other people. He
would hurt people.
 Martha. Jesus was for Martha when he rebuked her for her attitude toward Mary. Martha was hurting
both Mary and Jesus with her judgmental comment.

Draw: Chart—Judging vs. Honesty. [You can share this chart here at the end of the lesson or as you go
along. If you refer to it as you go, then leave it blank on the flip chart and fill it out. If you show it to them at the
end of the lesson, it should be filled out already. It makes a nice handout.]

JUDGING HONESTY

My attitude I demand that the other person I’m not trying to win. I just lay
listen to my honesty. It’s very out the truth. I let the other per-
important to have the last word son have the last word (Jesus in
(Peter in Matthew 26:31-35). Matthew 26:31-35).

What I do if the I withdraw, get angry, or share I’ve told the other person once.
other person with friends this person’s prob- I’m not God, so it’s not up to me
doesn’t listen lem (gossip). to change someone else’s heart
(Jesus in John 13:37-14:1).

What I do if the I repeat what I said to really I thank the other person for lis-
person hears drive the point home so the tening. I realize how hard this
me other person won’t even think of is for him, so I’m quick to affirm
doing the same thing. him.

My stance I’m above the other person I’m next to the other person
(Simon in Luke 7). (Jesus in Luke 7).

My focus Myself: “Getting things off my The other person: How can I
chest.” speak so that he understands
but isn’t crushed? Is this the
right time to speak? What else
is going on in his life?

My confidence I’m sure that I’m correct. I ask questions to see if any-
thing else is going on.

How I treat I treat others as objects. I’m so I treat others with dignity. Even
people focused on the truth that I forget as I focus on the truth, I don’t
the person (Disciples with blind forget the person (Jesus in John
man in John 9). 9 and Luke 7).

What I think What the other person has I wonder if I do the same thing
about first done to me. to other people.

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 LESSON 17
Honesty Is Patient
Summary
In this lesson, we will look at Jesus as he teaches Peter to have a lifestyle of forgiveness, and then models this
lifestyle in how he relates to Peter. Also, we will see that good honesty incarnates by taking the time to think
of specifics rather than just blasting with generalizations.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—9b: A Time to Shut Up.

Outline
1. Understanding Forgiveness Shapes Our Honesty 20 min
2. Honesty Is Patient: Jesus Accepts Peter 10 min
3. Honesty Is Focused on Specifics 15 min Total 45 min

Goals
Love: (1) Our honesty should be tempered by our sense of our own need of forgiveness and grace.
(2) Love involves forbearing, quietly overlooking wrongs done.
Faith: We need to recognize our own need for forgiveness.
Jesus: His gentleness in dealing with Peter is a model for us.

Lesson Preparation
Go through the lesson and apply it to your heart first. What does God convict you of as you read and reflect?
Meditate on those things this week. Think about your honesty toward those around you. What is it like? Is it
controlled by compassion? Do you take time to reflect before you are honest so that your honesty is helpful to
the other person by including specifics? Do you forbear (quietly forgive)?

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 1. Understanding Forgiveness Shapes Our Honesty 20 min.

Teach: Compassion is Boring—Honesty is “Fun”

 Compassion can become wearisome. For example, if a husband feels compassion for his wife because
she’s losing sleep getting up with the baby in the middle of the night, he could offer to get up instead.
But after a few days she’ll be well rested and he’ll feel like a zombie.
 But honesty can be “fun,” once we overcome our fears. When we “get something off our chest,”
it becomes someone else’s problem. Honesty can feel quite “liberating.” In other words, a zeal for
honesty can easily lead to being critical and constantly correcting others. We “dump;” others groan.
While we’re “just being honest” about our feelings, others feel nagged or attacked.

Principle: Compassion needs to be developed; honesty needs to be controlled.

Read: Matthew 18:21-22—Peter Learns to Forgive

Q. Why do you think Peter is asking this question?

Likely because someone has been repeatedly irritating him.

Q. The rabbis taught that people needed to forgive only three times. Given that,
how do you think Peter feels about his willingness to forgive seven times?
He probably believes that he is being very generous.

Read: Genesis 4:23-24—Lamech’s Revenge

Q. How does Jesus use this story in his answer to Peter?

[Teach what they do not say.] He reverses Lamech’s curse. Lamech says his revenge is going to be far greater
than Cain’s, which was only 7 times. He’s going to take revenge 70 times—10 times worse than his ances-
tor Cain did. Jesus puts Lamech’s two numbers together and commands us to forgive 70 times 7!

Q. Why does Jesus say that we need to forgive others so frequently, so continu-
ously?
Because people sin against us so persistently and frequently.
Jesus answers Peter with this parable:

Read: Matthew 18:23-25

Q. Who represents God in the story?
The king.

Q. What character represents us?

The first servant.

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Q. Whom does the second servant represent?
A person who has wronged us.

Q. What does the debt of the first servant represent?

Our debt toward God for our sin.

Historical Background
The Ancient Talent
A talent was not a coin, but a unit of money—in fact, the largest unit of money in the Ancient Near East.
A talent was equal to 6,000 denarii or about $600,000, since a denarius was the wage a laborer earned in
a day.1 10,000 was the highest number in use at that time. Jesus combines the largest amount of money
with the largest number. “10,000 talents” is best translated as 100 trillion dollars, an astronomically
high amount.

Q. Why does Jesus choose such a large number to describe the servant’s debt to
the king?
To describe the greatness of our sin and thus the greatness of God’s forgiveness of us. It’s impossible to
pay back such a huge sum. Jesus isn’t trying to give an exact amount; he’s just telling us that this is an
incredible sum of money.

Q. How does knowing we have an enormous debt to God temper what we have to
say to someone else? How does it shape our honesty?
It makes us gentle, forgiving.

Teach: Jesus is telling us that when we’re mentally wrapping our fingers around someone else’s
throat, we need to stop and make a long list of everything we’ve done wrong and contemplate God’s
forgiveness of us. That will change our attitude toward the person who has hurt us.

Historical Background
Forgiveness
 Because of the influence of Christianity on Western Civilization, we think today that forgiveness is
good but hard. But in the first century, they would have thought forgiveness to be odd. The main goal
in life was looking good and saving face. When we forgive someone, we look weak and powerless, as
if we don’t have the guts to stand up to the other person. Jesus’ teaching of forgiveness is radical.
 N. T. Wright, a leading New Testament scholar, puts it this way: “[In Jesus’ teaching,] forgiveness is
to be the hallmark of all social relationships. (One only has to live for a short time in a society where
forgiveness is not even valued in theory—where, for instance, ‘losing face’ is regarded as one of the
great misfortunes—to realize how revolutionary this challenge really is.)”2
 An example of how “saving face” works is reflected in the large number of Japanese soldiers who
committed suicide at the end of World War II rather than surrender. As they contemplated their
own society, they couldn’t bear the shame of having failed. As they faced their prospects in America,
they expected to be treated badly because they couldn’t imagine a forgiving conqueror; so why not
just commit suicide?

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

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 2. Honesty Is Patient: Jesus Accepts Peter 10 min.
Let’s look at a couple of examples of what Peter is like as a person. [If you are short for time, just summarize the
stories and describe what Peter does that is impetuous.]

Read: Mark 9:2-8—The Mount of Transfiguration

Q. Does Peter know what to say?

No. [See verse 6.]

Q. What does he do anyway?

He talks.

Read: John 21:1-8—A Miraculous Catch of Fish

Q. How does Peter respond when he sees Jesus on the shore?

He leaps into the water the second he hears that it’s Jesus.

Q. How would you describe Peter’s personality?

Quick, dominating, assertive. Act first and then think.

Q. Does Jesus say anything to Peter about his impetuousness?

No.

Teach:
1. Again and again Peter talks first and then thinks; he acts without reflecting. Yet Jesus never tells Peter,
“You run all over people,” or “You need to slow down.”
2. Jesus accepts Peter as he is. He seems to like Peter just the way he is, quietly overlooking what we call
personality flaws.
3. Jesus is patient; his honesty controls his compassion. He doesn’t move from honesty into judging. He
doesn’t use his insight into “what someone is really like” as a weapon.

Gospel Connection: Romans 15:7 says, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted
you, in order to bring praise to God.” In other words, because of Jesus’ death on the cross God offers
us a wonderful gift: our sins and our failures are paid for and forgotten. Now we need to offer the same
gift to those around us. If we accept God’s gift to us, then we need to accept those around us in the
same way that God accepts us.

Principle: Forbearance, the act of quietly overlooking someone else’s sin, is the “grease” for relationships.
Through forbearance, compassion controls honesty.

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3. Honesty Is Focused on Specifics 10 min.
[This point fits better with the previous lesson, but we place it here in the interest of time.]

Read: Matthew 23:1-12—Woe to the Pharisees

Historical Background
Phylacteries and Tassels
Phylacteries were small boxes containing scripture texts. Their use came about as a result of taking
Deuteronomy 6:8 literally. Jewish men (including Jesus) had blue tassels on the four corners of their
garments.

Q. What is Jesus’ concern about the Pharisees?

Living for appearance, pride, and hypocrisy.

Q. What specifics does Jesus give?

(1) They broaden their phylacteries.
(2) They lengthen the tassels on their garments.
They love. . .
(3) …the place of honor at banquets.
(4) …the chief seats in the synagogues.
(5) …respectful greetings in market places.
(6) …being called Rabbi.

Q. How does Jesus blend specifics with generalizations in this rebuke?

Jesus gives a generalization followed by two to three specific examples.

Q. How is Jesus’ rebuke different from the way we tend to be honest with one
another today?
[Write their answers. Teach what they do not say.]
 We tend to rebuke one another with generalizations but not mention the specifics.
 We tend to tell people our feelings but not necessarily explain the “hows” or “whys.” That is, we blast

people without taking the time to think specifically about what they’ve done.

Q. Why is it difficult to list specifics, as Jesus does?

[Write their answers.]
 It takes time to think specifically about what a person does that bugs us.
 It’s much easier to blast another person based on our feelings of that moment.

Q. How is Jesus’ honesty a form of incarnating, of walking in another person’s

shoes?
When we stop to think of specifics, then we’re living out the Golden Rule and incarnation; we slow
down, think about someone else’s world, and then thoughtfully speak into that world.

Teach: People don’t generally feel their own pride, but if we give them a specific example, it gives
them something to chew on—a window through which they can see themselves. We aren’t loving others
if we simply vent our feelings at them. If we can’t say something helpful, it’s better to remain quiet, even
if we know we’re right.

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 Teach: Application
 Think of someone who does something that irritates you.
 Write out what you might say to that person, modeled on how Jesus rebukes others. Make sure you
give specifics as well as a generalization.
 Example: “When you remind me to take out the trash every week, I feel as if you’re treating me like
a child.”

Notes:
1. T. E. Schmidt, “Taxes,” Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 1992), p. 805.
2. N. T. Wright, Jesus and the Victory of God (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 1996), p. 290.
“Prayer for forgiveness, and the accompanying promise of forgiveness within the community—an odd thing in prayer, and conse-
quently to be regarded as highly significant—is part of the whole emphasis of the inauguration of the new covenant” (p. 293);
“…he expected his followers to live by the Jubilee principle among themselves. He expected, and taught, that they should forgive
one another not only ‘sins’ but also debts. This may explain the remarkable practice within the early church whereby resources were
pooled, in a fashion not unlike the Essene community of goods. Luke’s description of this in Acts 4:34 echoes the description of
the sabbatical year in Deuteronomy 15:4…. Forgiveness was to be the central character of the life of those loyal to Jesus” (p. 295).

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 LESSON 18
Reconciliation
Summary
Reconciliation is hard because it involves taking a beam out of your own eye. But unless we do so, our dis-
agreements turn into self-defeating cycles of blaming and accusing. A repentant honesty offers the hope of real
reconciliation.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—10a: “I Know How Hard It Is; I Do the Same Thing.”

Outline
1. Honesty and Compassion: The Problem 15 min
2. Jesus’ Solution 15 min
3. The Pain of “Beam Research” 10 min
4. Jesus Shows How to Take the Beam Out 15 min
5. Practical Application 10 min Total 65 min

Goals
Love: Love calls us to deal with our own sin before we deal with someone else’s sin.
Faith: To see that God reconciled his honesty and compassion through Jesus’ death on the cross.
Jesus: To see Jesus’ tenderness toward the adulterous woman and subtle wisdom toward those judging her.

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 1. Honesty and Compassion: The Problem 15 min.

Review: We started this unit on honesty by seeing how crucial honesty is to a complete, well-bal-
anced love. Compassion without honesty is spineless. We even saw that anger can be good. Then last
week we looked at the need to control our honesty. Our honesty should be shaped by compassion. Today
we’re going to look at the problem of how to combine honesty and compassion. As you’ll see from this
story, it’s difficult to do.

Read: Dancing on Saturday Night (Paul Miller)

Jill and Paul went dancing with some good friends on a Saturday evening. They had all recently taken
dance lessons and this was their first try at the real thing. Going to the dance hall was like traveling in a time
warp back to the forties. They were the only ones there who were not on Social Security. It was like a church
service complete with greeters, minister and band.
Since Jill loves to watch people, she was having a great time just sitting at their table; she could do it for
hours. Paul was thinking very practically, “We’ve taken dance lessons; we’ve traveled 45 minutes to get here, so
it is a waste of time not to dance. Besides, I want to dance.” Jill finally agreed to dance after he kept bringing
it up.
They had a built-in problem when it comes to dancing. Jill keeps a great beat, but didn’t know the steps.
Paul knew the steps, but didn’t keep a great beat. "Fortunately," there is a rule in dancing that takes care of
potential problems—the man is supposed to lead.
So after a little refresher course from their friends, they launched out. Within a minute or so, Paul got off
the beat and Jill corrected it by leading him. When Paul got irritated at her for leading, she noticed it and said,
“Now I know why I don’t like to dance. You get angry.” She didn’t want to dance anymore, so they sat down.
They were polite, but there was a wall between them.1

Q. What is Paul irritated about?

[Write answers out in chart form, as below.]

Q. What is Jill irritated about?

Draw: Chart

JILL IS IRRITATED BY: PAUL IS IRRITATED BY:

1. Paul pushing to get up 1. Jill not wanting to dance

2. Paul being off-beat 2. Jill leading
3. Paul’s anger 3. Jill’s anger and withdrawal
from dancing

Q. What does Jill have a right to be frustrated about?

Paul shouldn’t get irritated when she leads. It’s just touchiness on his part. This isn’t the first time he’s
been touchy.

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Q. What does Paul have a right to be frustrated about?
Jill shouldn’t have walked off the dance floor. Instead of leading, she could’ve told him, “Paul you’re
off-beat. Can I help you?”

Q. How would Jill probably react if Paul told her his frustrations?
If Paul said, “I wish you wouldn’t lead,” Jill would probably answer, “But I never even wanted to
dance.”

Q. How would Paul probably react if Jill told him her frustrations?
The same thing. Paul would talk about what irritated him. For example:
Jill: “I hate it when you get angry like that.”
Paul: “Well, if you wouldn’t lead me. . .”

Q. What would happen if Paul incarnated—tried to understand Jill? How would Jill
probably respond?
She’d probably give him an earful.
Paul: “What’s bothering you. . . ?”
Jill: “You, the way you treat me!”

Q. What would happen if Jill incarnated?

The same thing.
Jill: “What’s bothering you. . . ?”
Paul: “You, the way you treat me!”

Teach: The Problem

 If I incarnate and seek to understand, who’ll be there to explain my position, to care for me? How
will I survive if you lash out at me?
 If I’m honest, I merely get your honesty in return; you only get angrier.
 Summary: How do I move toward someone who’s a sinner, when I’m a sinner myself?

Draw: Blaming-Defending Cycle

Blaming

ing
efend
D

ing
end
Def

Blaming

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 Q. At the end of this dancing story, what are Paul and Jill both feeling?
Trashed, separated, alone. Alienation. Moving toward one another would probably only increase that.
Both want the other to incarnate with them.

Gospel Connection: Paul and Jill want to be close to one another but they’re separated
because they’ve wronged one another. God has a similar dilemma with compassion and honesty. He
loves us and wants to be close to us, but we sin against his laws and run from him. God must be true
to his own nature, so he must require justice. But how can God deal justly with us and yet draw near to
us in compassion? The answer is found in Jesus’ death on the cross. By taking our place, Jesus received
the wrath that we deserved. Now God is able to move toward us with compassion because his justice
is satisfied.

2. Jesus’ Solution 15 min.

Read: Matthew 7:1-5—Judging Others

Teach: Jesus gives us a roadmap here to help people like Paul and Jill who are frustrated with one
another.

Q. Jesus implies (in verse 1) that the very things that bug us about other people
tend to be areas in which we ourselves sin.2 Look over the list of Paul and Jill’s
frustrations. What sins do they share?
 Anger
 Pushiness, aggressiveness

Q. What is the first step in reconciliation? How does Jesus tell us to begin?
Matthew 7:5a—we must first take the beam out of our own eye.

Teach: What does it mean to “take the beam out”? How do you do “beam research”?
 “Use the other person’s sin as a mirror to reveal yours.”3
 Ask yourself: “What he or she did really bothers me. I wonder if I do the same thing?”
 Jesus is calling us to be self-reflective, to use our inner lives (and the weaknesses we see there) as a
foundation for compassion to other people.

Q. Considering all that we’ve studied previously, what does this kind of self-reflec-
tion remind you of?
The Golden Rule.4

Teach:
 Paul’s instinctive reaction is to think, “She dominates me and then withdraws. She does it all the
time; it makes me so angry. I don’t want to be around her when she does that.”
 But Jesus wants Paul to do “beam research” and think to himself: “Jill dominates me, but I do the
same thing. She did it on the dance floor when we were dancing. I did it when I tried to push her
into dancing. I’m as bad as she is.”
 The best person to help us with “beam research” is the one who wronged us.

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Q. How does this kind of self-reflection change our approach to honesty?
It makes us gentler; it drains the self-righteousness out of our honesty.

Q. Look at Matthew 7:5b. What happens to us after we reflect on our own sin?
Jesus mentions two things. One is a change inside us and the second is something we do.
 Change inside us: We see more clearly. The other person’s sin will look a little duller and less intense.
Our “shock” at the other’s sin will be toned down by our “beam research.”
 Something we do: Then we go to the person who irritated us to talk about what bugged us, but now
our honesty is more compassionate. It’s been gentled by our awareness of our own sin.

Teach: Answer to Dilemma of Honesty and Compassion

1. Begin with “beam research.” Understand why the other person is upset with you. Ask him how you
have hurt him. Be compassionate.
2. Once you’ve listened and can see clearly, then tell him what your problem is. Be honest.
3. If he gets angry about your honesty, ask, “Are you saying that it’s okay for you to tell me your frustra-
tions, but it isn’t okay for me?” Then go back to compassion again by simply listening to him.

Draw: Beam Research.5

= oneness

’ll see...”
“Then you
“Take the
beam out”

Paul Jill

Q. If Paul wants to be the first one to try this approach, how should he go about it?
[Various answers. Here is an example:]
1st Paul might say, “What did I do that upset you?” [Draw an arrow toward Paul from Jill’s side. An arrow
represents honesty.]
2nd Then, Paul might say to Jill, “This is how I felt.” [Draw an arrow toward Jill.]

Q. If Jill is honest but Paul doesn’t listen, what should she do?
[Various answers. Here is an example:]
1st Jill is honest: “Paul, I don’t want to dance when you get angry.”
2nd Paul replies, “Well, if you wouldn’t push me, then I wouldn’t get angry.”
3rd Now Jill has a problem. Paul hasn’t incarnated with her. Her honesty has been blocked, so she moves
to her fallback position of “beam research” and asks, “What did I do to make you angry?”

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 Teach:
 If we merely incarnate (try to understand), then we’re being too passive.
 If we’re merely honest, then we’ll be judgmental.
The key to reconciliation and to telling the truth without being harsh is to temper our honesty with
self-reflection. Jesus’ choice of a beam in the eye is deliberate. Our vision of other people is muddied by
self-righteousness, by our sense that we’d never do what they do. In compassion, we begin by looking at
the other person. In reconciliation, we begin by looking at ourselves. In short, we must look honestly at
ourselves before we look at others. We can’t help others see their faults until we see our own.

Q. Why does Jesus never model this approach for us?

He never sins. He never has to do “beam research.”

3. The Pain of “Beam Research” 10 min.

[Either skip this point or divide the lesson after it.]

Q. Why is “beam research” hard? What fears come to the surface when we think
about doing this?
[Write their answers. Various answers. Teach what they do not say.]
 You’re putting energy into discovering what a mess you are.
 You lose power, because no one is explaining your point of view.
 To stop and incarnate is to lose. You become weak.
 If you stop and ask questions, others will get a wrong view of you.
 Fear of the future: If you lose in this area, you’ll lose in other areas, too.

Reflections on This Kind of Love:

Pastor: “I have a hard time starting the incarnation question with my wife. I usually ask the wrong question,
at the wrong time, in the wrong way, for the wrong purpose. Kind of like driving on four flat tires—not fun!
I know how to attack well, but not how to put myself in a position to be attacked. Don’t like it. Kind of like
trying to walk past a hungry lioness without being noticed....”

CPA: “The openness is not so tough, [but] the going back and forth, the incarnating, the getting into the other
person—I’m afraid this is often very foreign to me. Keep it brief; do only what I have to. Say only what is neces-
sary—this has been my method, my whole life. Now I see some change, but ever so slow.”

Nurse and mother of four: “It feels like death to lose. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just go lower and be
humble. I can only attribute it to my sinful heart and stubbornness. Sometimes it’s an issue of justice, but my
view of fairness is prejudiced by my self-centeredness. I feel it’s not fair for someone to judge my cooking when
I did my best in view of all the other chores I had to do or it’s not fair that you are ‘always’ impatient with me
so I’ve had enough and now I’m going to prove to you how impatient you’ve been.”

Mother of two and pastor’s wife: “There is a tension sometimes dealing with cleaning up the kitchen after [my
husband has] used it. I could clean up the dishes left in the sink or wipe up the counter more when it is not
my mess. It is difficult to do because I think that it will continue to get worse and I will be taken for granted
and expected to always clean up after him. But Jesus did not consider these things at all, or he would not have
followed through all the way to death. He didn’t hunt for pats on the back or recognition.”

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

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4. Jesus Shows How to Take the Beam Out 15 min.

Read: John 8:2-11—The Woman Caught in Adultery6

Teach: Think for a minute about the trap they have laid for Jesus....

Q. What will happen to Jesus if he doesn’t condemn this woman?

He’ll be guilty of disobeying the Law of Moses.

Q. What will happen to Jesus if he condemns the woman?

Then he won’t be true to his own pattern of compassion.

Teach: Jesus’ Compassion. Notice that their trap is based on the centrality of compassion
in Jesus’ life and teaching.

Historical Background
The Death Penalty
If he participated in the stoning, Jesus would also be guilty of breaking the Roman law, which forbade
the Jews from carrying out the death penalty.

Q. Why does Jesus tell them that the ones who are without sin may throw a stone?
What is he trying to do?
He wants them to do some basic “beam research.”

Q. Why do the men leave?

They’ve been convicted of their sin.

Q. Why do the older men leave first?

They’re wiser and quicker to realize that they’re sinners.

Q. What sins might they be convicted of?

[Teach what they are not able to get.]
 They may be guilty of the same sin.
 They might have committed adultery in their hearts. (Matthew 5:28)

Q. What’s wrong with this picture? Who’s missing?

They’ve brought only the woman and not the man. They’re hypocrites.7

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 Historical Background
Other Sins the Pharisees May Have Been Convicted Of
 Their own laws said that someone had to be caught in the very act of adultery. No one could be
accused based on hearsay. Also, both of the adulterers were to be stoned, so the man should also have
been brought before Jesus.
 The husband was not allowed to lie in wait to entrap his wife. Yet it appears this may have happened
here, because the Pharisees needed bait for their primary goal of trapping Jesus.
 At least two eyewitnesses had to attest to the adultery. These witnesses were required to be the first
to throw the stones, and also to be innocent of the crime themselves (i.e., they must never have com-
mitted adultery). (Deuteronomy 13:9, 17:7; Leviticus 24:14)

Q. Why do you think Jesus refrains from answering them at first? Why is he silent?
[They will probably not get the answer, so go on to the next question. Accept a variety of responses since any answer
is conjecture.]

Historical Background
Writing a Sentence?
Some speculate that Jesus was acting out the Roman practice of having the judge write out his sentence
before he would read it. We don’t know. But notice the effect of Jesus’ writing….

Q. What purpose does Jesus’ silence while looking down and writing serve in the
conversation?
It gives the Pharisees time and space to reflect. Remember, “beam research” takes reflection.

Q. Does Jesus say that adultery is wrong?

Yes. By implication in verse 11 (“Go and leave your life of sin”—effectively saying that he forgives her for
her wrongdoing) and in Matthew 5:28.

Modern Culture: Jesus simplifies a complex situation by getting the men to take the beams out
of their own eyes first. Our modern world simplifies this complex situation by saying that adultery is
acceptable if it is “authentic” or fulfills some deep need. In other words, Jesus says, “You’re all guilty,”
and our culture says, “No one is guilty.”

Q. Notice one other subtlety about Jesus’ silence. Do we tend to be patient or

impatient when we’re judging others?
Usually impatient.

Q. Are these men impatient or patient?

Impatient.

Q. How can we tell?

They keep on questioning Jesus.

Q. What effect might Jesus’ silence have on their impatience?

[Various answers. Teach what they do not say.] Jesus’ silence would have further exposed their sin.

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 Teach: When impatient people are sure they’re right, they usually increase their volume and their
demandingness. They would most likely have interpreted Jesus’ silence as meaning that he doesn’t know
what to say. When self-righteous people finally “get” someone who has been elusive, they become even
more animated. On a sketch he did of this scene, Rembrandt wrote, “The scribe was in such a hurry to
trick Christ in his answer that he could not wait for an answer.”8

5. Practical Application 10 min.

Read: Dancing on Saturday Night (continued)

So they sat down for a few minutes. They decided to give it another go by splitting up and dancing with
their friends. They did that for a few minutes, got the steps and rhythm down, tried again with one another,
and it worked; but they both felt a separation between them.
In the past, Paul would be just thankful for the passage of time until it blew over. Her walls made things
peaceful; they worked for both of them.
So Sunday morning Paul swallowed his pride, worked up his courage, and asked how he hurt her the
previous evening. She said, “Why did we even have to dance? Couldn’t we have just sat there and watched
the people?” Paul realized they could have. She was talking about his will. He knew he didn’t see his self-will
because it envelops him and is the very way he looks at the world. During that evening dancing just made sense
to him. It was the logical thing to do. So he gently nudged his wife in that direction . . . and kept nudging. . .
and kept nudging. She also talked about his anger.
That evening they went out for a walk and he asked her again how he affected her the previous evening.
Jill’s fear made her hesitant to express her heart. She talked about the other couple, “Did you see how our
friends loved one another? Did you see how he tilted his head toward her because he delighted in her? How
he concentrates, looks at her? You don’t love me that way.”
Later in the conversation, Paul told Jill it would have been easier for him if she had told him he was off beat
and not just start leading him. She became angry at him for saying that. He asked her why it was okay for her
to be honest but not him. She began to listen quietly.9

Teach: The Pain of Asking. Look how painful the movement toward intimacy can be. You
draw the other person out, encouraging him or her to share unpleasant things about you that you don’t
want to hear, and he or she doesn’t want to say. It’s risky; honest evaluations often hurt. The point:
Don’t be surprised at how hard this is!

The Pain of Answering. It’s scary for Jill to share, because Paul might reject her opinions,
or use what he hears as ammunition to hurt her. Sharing our real struggles is scary because the other
person’s response might increase our pain.

Patience With One Another. Most of the time we don’t move into one another’s worlds
because we’re oblivious to them. It was as if Paul didn’t know that Jill’s heart even existed; her heart was
unknown to him, seemingly dark and distant.

Q. What happens if we follow Jesus’ pattern of reconciliation?

[Teach what they do not say.]
 We don’t lose. (Nor do we “win”!) Jesus says, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”

The place of weakness becomes a place of power.

 Something entirely new happens—oneness. Jesus says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be

called the sons of God.” A strong love that moves toward people—past our own fears and through
another person’s walls—leads to true intimacy.

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 Illustration: A Mom With Her Children (Libbie Groves) [Skip if short on time.]
The older kids had friends over and something happened that got Alasdair (age 11) offended. He responded
by being huffy and then continued to be mildly unfriendly to Rebekah’s friend. I had checked his initial reac-
tion, but as I listened to the interaction and sensed his selfishness, I was disappointed in him.
Ordinarily, I would have talked to him afterwards and outlined where he’d been wrong, what was wrong
with his attitude, and admonished him to have a different attitude and behavior in the future. I’d try to get
him to put himself in the other person’s shoes, see their perspective, etc., but it would be mostly lecture-style,
with me doing most of the talking.
As I started to do my homework (lesson on Reconciliation) over the dishes and think about taking the
plank out of my own eye first, etc. I had a revelation. The sin I saw in Alasdair’s heart—his “rights” having been
stepped on, as he perceived it (and correctly, I might add)—is rampant in my own life as well. So I dealt instead
with that in my own heart, asking God to show me specific situations where I need to repent.”
Later that evening Alasdair and I went for a walk and talked about all this. I shared many of the places I
struggle with giving up my “rights,” “going lower,” or being content with circumstances I think are “unfair,”
etc. We had a wonderful talk about not only the sin of the afternoon and lots of related extensions of it, but
also lots of other things he brought up himself. It was very much of a sharing of two disciples walking the same
path, dealing with the same sins, helping and encouraging each other, rather than a top-down recitation of
“what he could do better and how.”10

Notes:
1. Paul Miller, Love Walked Among Us (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2001), pp. 105-106.
2. The Apostle Paul clearly states this principle in Romans 2:1ff.
3. Bill Gothard, Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts.
4. Notice how similar this is to the two-fold pattern of the Golden Rule: (1) “What does he do to me?” (2) “How do I do the same
thing?”
5. Drawing concept courtesy of David Powlison.
6. It is almost certain that this account was not in the original manuscript for John. At the same time, scholars are increasingly con-
fident that this passage is an accurate account from Jesus’ life. For one thing, it sounds and reads like a story from Luke. It is also
a story that an early editor would want to drop out since it could be construed as Jesus condoning adultery (which he does not). It
is possible that Papias makes a reference to this story as well when he refers to the story of the woman caught in many sins. It also
reflects Jesus’ classic style—he turns everything upside down. He condemns the proud and rescues the broken. See D. A. Carson,
The Gospel According to John (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991) p. 333ff.
7. For Jesus, a hypocrite is someone who lacks integrity.
8. Hidde Hoekstra, ed., Rembrandt and the Bible (Belgium: Magna Books, 1990), p. 365.
9. Miller, p. 106, 110.
10. Libbie Groves, in a personal e-mail to the author.

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 LESSON 19
Love Your Enemies
Summary
Jesus’ command to love our enemies goes completely against our instincts. But his way works. Thoughtfully
loving an enemy breaks the cycle of retaliation and transforms our enemies as well as ourselves.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—10b: “I Know How Hard It Is; I Do the Same Thing.”

Outline
1. Jesus’ Command to Love Our Enemies 20 min
2. How to Love an Enemy 15 min
3. How Love Affects an Enemy 15 min
4. Why We Should Love Our Enemies 5 min Total 60 min

Goals
Love: We love our enemies by helping them in an area of need.
Faith: God loved us when we were enemies.

Lesson Preparation
By far the best preparation for this lesson is to reflect on any experiences you have had of loving your enemies
and seeing the fruit of that love in your life. Take time to think about your past experience with enemies and
what God did in and through each situation. Be careful how you share, so that names and places are not
traceable.

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 1. Jesus’ Command to Love Our Enemies 20 min.

Review: We’ve been studying how to be honest in relationships. In the last lesson we looked at how
to combine honesty and compassion. Now we’re going to look at situations when honesty fails to work.

Q. What is our instinctive reaction to someone who keeps hurting us?

[Write their answers.]
 Lash back (attack)
 Defend ourselves (defend)
 Withdraw (run)

Let’s read Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount, his most famous sermon.

Read: Matthew 5:38-48—Love For Enemies

Q. Before we take a closer look at this passage, let’s think about why it’s uncom-
fortable to say that someone is our enemy.
[Write their answers.]
 We want people to like us. Saying that someone is our enemy is an admission that not everyone likes us.
 It raises the question, “Did I do something wrong?”
 We’re cautious about putting people in a category. We wonder if we’re judging them.
 If we’re supposed to love everybody, then how can anyone we love be our enemy?
 Seems hateful. Seems to close the door to relationship.
 Seems extreme, violent.

Modern Culture: The Idea of an Enemy. We don’t like to say that anyone is our
enemy; it seems harsh or judgmental. But the word “enemy” is simply a description of how someone is
treating us. When someone interprets everything we do through a negative grid, we have an enemy. An
enemy is like a speed bump on the road of life; it calls for more cautious driving.

Old Testament Background

The Simpleton
Proverbs, the Old Testament book of wisdom, talks about the simpleton or naïve person who’s not mali-
cious like a fool but is nevertheless trapped by evil because he isn’t wary.

Draw: Naïveté vs. Cynicism

Naïve:
Underestimates evil
isd om
th of W
Pa
Cynical:
Assumes all is evil

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Principle: Because our world is beautiful but broken, Jesus is loving but appropriately wary. “Be prepared
for the worst, but hope for the best.”

Teach: A Temporary Enemy. In most relationships, there are moments, seasons, or areas
in which the other person becomes an enemy. We don’t like to think of our spouses, children, or co-
workers as enemies, so we rush in with more words and try to fix a difficult situation—only to make it
worse. All we need to do is realize, “This morning, my teenager is acting like an enemy.” Once we’ve
identified the problem, we can begin to address it. The only difference between a temporary enemy and
a permanent enemy is that a temporary one responds to our love much more quickly.

Q. What’s our instinctive reaction to someone who gives us a black eye?

There are the three possibilities:
1. Just Give him a gentle slap on the face. (Less)
2. Give him a black eye. (The same)
3. Give him two black eyes. (More)
Our instinctive reaction is #3.

Q. Why do we want to give two black eyes to someone who gave us one?
We don’t merely want to make things equal—we want to stun our enemy so badly that he won’t even think
about hurting us again. That allows us to control the situation and be on top.

Old Testament Background

An Eye for an Eye
When Jesus says, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,” he is quoting Moses from the Old
Testament. Moses’ command was meant to keep people from responding as we normally do. It was a
check on human vengeance, a vast improvement over tribalism. (In Genesis 4:24, Lamech says, “If Cain
is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.”)

REVENGE: TRIBALISM JUSTICE: LAW OF MOSES LOVE: JESUS

I give you two black eyes for I give you one black eye for Not only do I not retaliate,
the one you gave me. the one you gave me. but I care for your needs.

Historical Background
Roman Soldiers
 The Roman soldiers, who occupied Palestine, were allowed by law to force people to carry their packs
one mile. Jesus tells his listeners to take the pack not just one mile but a second mile as well.
 This was even more startling in Jesus’ day than in ours. The Roman world had a thin layer of justice (at
least for Roman citizens), but underneath it was dog-eat-dog tribalism. It’s hard for us to appreciate how
radical Jesus’ words would have been because our world has been so influenced by Jesus’ teaching.

Q. How do we instinctively react to Jesus’ command to love our enemies? What

are we afraid will happen?
[Write their answers.]
 They’ll take advantage of me.
 I’ll lose control.
 I want to protect myself and others.
 I might be ridiculed.

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 Modern Culture: By loving our enemies we’re doing exactly the opposite of what our litigious
culture tells us to do: “Sue ’em.” We appear to be giving up power when our culture tells us to exercise
power. But we’re just following the way of Jesus described at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount
when he says, “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5).

Q. In contrast, what happens to our relationships with our “enemies” if we give

them back what they gave us? [This is a review.]
It leads to a cycle of revenge that usually escalates. It does no good.

Draw: Cycle of attack/retaliation

Attack

Revenge

Q. Where can we see this happening in the world today?

Between the Palestinians and the Israelis; between husbands and wives.

Q. What happens to us on the inside (to our spirit) when we “get even”?
We develop a bitter, angry spirit.

Teach: Jesus’ command may seem impossible, but look at the alternative: It does no good and chews
us up on the inside.

2. How to Love an Enemy 15 min.

To understand how to put into practice Jesus’ command to love our enemies, let’s read the Apostle Paul’s
restating of it.

Read: Romans 12:14, 17-21—Living at Peace with Everybody

Old Testament Background

Proverbs
Paul is quoting Proverbs 25:21-22. He’s is drawing on the Old Testament for his insights.

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Q. According to verse 20, how should we go about loving our enemies?
We should feed them and give them something to drink.

Q. What kind of activity does this involve?

Thinking about our enemies’ needs.

Q. Should we help our enemies in any old way that comes to mind?
No, we must focus on our enemies’ needs; wherever they’re weak, we should come alongside and help them.

Q. According to verse 20, what needs does our enemy have?

Thirst, hunger.

Q. What needs might the enemy described in Matthew 5:39-42 have?

Appears to need a coat and help carrying his pack.

Teach:
 Jesus encourages thoughtful loving, as in the Golden Rule, not just willy-nilly actions with no
thought. We’re to help people where they’re weak and needy, instead of just jumping into any area
of their lives. We overwhelm them with love at their weakest point.1
 A Declaration of War: Jesus’ and Paul’s instructions on how to love our enemies mean that we’re not
passive in response to people’s hatred or rejection of us. We’re going to war with our enemies, but our
weapons aren’t weapons of revenge, but of love. As in real warfare, we don’t attack our enemies just
anywhere; we find their weakest point and overwhelm them with the weapons of love at their point
of need.

Q. Let’s reflect. Write down the initials of someone who treats you as enemy, either
all the time or occasionally.

Q. What weaknesses or needs does this enemy have?

Q. How might you be able to give to this person in his areas of weakness? How
might you be able to love him or her?

3. How Love Affects an Enemy 15 min.

Q. How do you think this approach would affect an enemy?

It would unnerve him, surprise him.

Teach: Love Protects You From Your Enemy. When someone becomes your enemy,
he interprets your actions as either stupid or evil. Everything you do is filtered through a negative grid
that “proves” the enemy is justified in his treatment of you. He often gets reinforcement from friends,
who hear only his side of the story. But when you actively love your enemy, he’s disoriented. He may
still treat you with contempt but he will actually pull back on evil. The result is that you’re protected
from him.

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 Q. What would happen in the Middle East if the Israelis were to refrain from retaliat-
ing against car bombings or suicide bombings for six months? How might that
change the situation?
(We’re not talking about defense here, but about not retaliating and instead actively loving the Palestinians
by withdrawing from Israeli settlements.)
1. World opinion would put great pressure on the Palestinians.
2. The Palestinians would begin to wonder if their attacks were doing any good.

Read: Romans 12:21

Q. What does God promise will ultimately happen if we’re determined to love our
enemies? (Hint: what does the word “overcome” imply?)
God will begin to work on our enemies, and our enemies will eventually be overcome.

Read: Romans 12:19

Q. How does our determination to love our enemies affect what God does?
It makes room for God’s wrath.

Q. What happens to God’s work in our enemies if we take revenge?

The implication is that God won’t judge when we’ve taken over as law enforcement officials. Our revenge
(or determination to end our pain) can result in only partial justice at best, but if we wait for God to work,
his justice is far more powerful than anything we could ever do.

Illustrations:
[Read some or all, depending on your time constraints. It is ideal if you have examples from your own life of times when
you have loved an enemy.]

The Early Christians Loved the Romans

The Roman emperors persecuted the early Christians, burning them at the stake or sending them to the
arena to be eaten by lions or killed by gladiators. The Christians went meekly, not fighting or retaliating, but
praying for their enemies. Early Christian leaders, such as Justin Martyr (circa A.D. 150), wrote to the emperors
(who likely never read their letters), describing all the positive things that Christians did in society. Christians
would regularly rescue infants from hillsides outside of town where abandoned babies—usually girls—were left
to die of exposure. They followed Jesus’ example by not retaliating and by actively loving the Roman society
that rejected them. What was the result? In A.D. 312 the Emperor Constantine won the battle of Mulvian
Bridge after resolving to fight the battle in the name of Christ. He was prompted by a dream in which he saw
the initial letters of the name of Christ (Chi-Rho) with the words, “By this sign you will conquer.” Taking this
as an omen, he resolved to trust the God of the Christians and had the Chi-Rho (XP) painted on his soldiers’
shields for the coming battle. That same year he declared Christianity legal. One last emperor, Julian, perse-
cuted Christians for a brief period of time, but he died in battle in 364. His dying words were reportedly, “You
have conquered, Galilean.” The love of the Christians left room for God’s wrath, which eventually defeated
the might of the Romans. Within three hundred years the once mighty Roman Empire ceased to exist in the
West. The only institution that survived the ruins of classical civilization was the church of Jesus Christ—the
Galilean conquered through love.2

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Paul the Apostle Loved His Persecutors
Paul was persecuted by a group of people in the church who said that Greek Christians should follow all
the rules of Moses, as all Jews had to do. They introduced legalism into Christianity by reducing it to a set of
rules. Paul loved these men by collecting an offering among the Greek churches and taking it to the Jewish
churches in Jerusalem which were going through a famine (II Corinthians 8 and 9). He loved them where they
were weak.

A Chinese Farmer Loves His Neighbor

A Chinese farmer whose fields on the side of a mountain were terraced with dikes had become a Christian.
He would water his fields by painstakingly carrying water up the mountain, but his non-Christian neighbor,
whose fields were below him, would open a hole in the dike during the night and drain all the water down
into his own fields, thus saving himself all the trouble of carrying water to his fields. It wasn’t enough for the
Christian farmer merely to forgive his neighbor; he began to follow Jesus’ teaching and example by carrying
water up not only for his fields but also for his neighbor’s! After two weeks, the neighbor was so convicted that
he became a Christian. Radical love wins again.3

Gandhi With the British

The British, as colonial occupiers of India, were Gandhi’s enemies. Yet because he was consciously choosing
to follow Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount (even though he was a Hindu), he refused to lash out
against the British with force. During WWII he ceased confronting his enemy and began aiding the British,
actively seeking their good. The result? India won its independence.

4. Why We Should Love Our Enemies 5 min.

Q. According to Jesus (Matthew 5:44-48), why should we love our enemies?

This is the way God loves each of us every day.

Gospel Connection:
 Loving our enemies mirrors the way God loved us when he sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins.
We were enemies of God and he gave us his only Son when we were against him (Romans 5:10).
 No matter how many benefits there are to loving our enemies, it’s impossible to love our enemies
on our own, as Matthew 5:48 implies. The only way we can do it is with the power of God in us.
Otherwise, we’ll end up using the wisdom of Jesus simply to manipulate others. We must see first
that we’ve been enemies of God and have distanced ourselves from him. We don’t like his message
about us; we don’t like the cross. We want to believe that we like everyone. But when we turn and
repent he welcomes us and gives us the power to love even our enemies.

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 Draw: Two Choices4

us
ok at Jes
Lo
Joy

Bitterness
Look
at Enem
y
Person who
hurt me

Notes:
1. It is quite possible that the person who is suing you does not need your cloak, but is just an evil person. I have not addressed this
complexity in the lesson.
2. Williston Walker, A History of the Christian Church, 4th edition (New York: Scribner, 1985), p. 125.
3. Bill Gothard, Basic Youth Conflicts Seminar.
4. Ibid.

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 LESSON 20
Prudence
Summary
We need to be careful not to categorize someone too quickly as an enemy. But if someone is truly an enemy, we
must be prudent with what we say. This lesson looks at Jesus as he models this prudence. Loving our enemies
transforms our emotions from a bitter spirit into a forgiving, loving spirit. We have the opportunity to become
like Jesus.

Chapter in Love Walked Among Us—10c: “I Know How Hard It Is; I Do the Same Thing.”

Outline
1. When to Pursue Dialogue 10 min
2. Prudence: Silence in the Face of Evil 15 min
3. Examples of Prudence from Jesus’ Teaching 20 min
4. How Loving Our Enemies Changes Us 15 min Total 60 min

Goals
Love: We need to love our enemies but use prudence about when to dialogue with them.
Faith: When someone hurts us, we either look to Jesus and become like him or look at our enemy and become
like him.

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 1. When to Pursue Dialogue 10 min.

Review: Last week we saw how to thoughtfully love an enemy. Now we’re going to look more closely
at how to identify and relate to an enemy, and how loving an enemy changes us on the inside.

Read: Matthew 5:23-24—Leaving Your Offering

Q. When we sense a kink in a relationship, what should we do?
Go to the person and ask him or her what is wrong.

Q. How is this pattern of relating typical of Jesus?

Jesus always moves toward people.

Q. Is this “brother who has something against you” an enemy?

Not necessarily.
[They will probably get this answer but if they do not, go right to the following teaching section.]

Modern Culture: Writing People Off. A brother or sister who “has something against
you” isn’t necessarily an enemy. We’re reluctant to call others our enemy, but we’re quick to write
people off simply because they have a bee in their bonnet. When we write someone off, we’re effectively
labeling him or her an enemy. If we’re convinced that someone won’t listen, but we’ve never gone to
him, then we’re judging. We’re quick to judge because it saves us the pain involved in obeying Jesus’
command to “go and be reconciled.” The result of our labeling is that the other person senses that he’s
been written off and then writes us off. This is common in marriages—both parties “write off” the other,
therefore permanently categorizing each other as enemies even though the causes might be relatively
minor. One of the great ironies of our world is that, while we’re loath to call someone our enemy, we
relate in ways that end up creating multiple enemies.

Draw: Road with Two Cliffs. (Our modern world falls off both sides.)
g
rin
no

ig
Everyone is my friend nor
ng
r judgi
he
: Neit
m
edo
e
Fr Writing people off
to
ad
Ro

Teach: A Further Word of Caution. When we follow Jesus’ command and go to the
person who “has something against” us, we must still be cautious about assuming this person is an enemy
just because he doesn’t receive our honesty well. Few people say, “Oh, please tell me more” when we
go to them. An enemy is someone who actively works against us and interprets everything we do through a
negative grid.

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2. Prudence: Silence in the Face of Evil 15 min.
Let’s shift gears and look at how to live with an enemy.

Q. Look at Matthew 5:38-44. Which aspect of love isn’t mentioned in Jesus’ teach-
ing about how we should love our enemies? (This is a hard question.)
There’s no mention of honesty or dialogue. There’s no mention of moving toward people.
[If stuck, ask this question…]

Q. We’ve talked about two ways that Jesus has of loving: compassion and hon-
esty. Which of these two is absent from this passage?
Honesty.

Teach: Reconciliation is the rule; loving silence when relating to enemies is the exception to the rule.
Sometimes, with some people, more words make the problem worse. If dialogue doesn’t work (Matthew
5:23-24), then we shift into a “love without dialogue” mode.

[This next section draws out another example of loving silence when relating to enemies.]

Read: Matthew 7:6—Pearls to Pigs

Review: In the preceding verses (7:1-5), Jesus tells us that if someone irritates us, we should correct
ourselves first by taking the beam out of our own eye. Then we’re to go to the irritating person and help
him with his speck. In the opposite situation, when someone is irritated with us, Jesus also tells us to “go
to your brother” (Matthew 5:23-24). No matter what the situation, we should go and talk to our brother.
In Jesus’ new kingdom, we’re to constantly move toward people with honesty.

Q. After telling us that we should go to our brother, why does Jesus then talk about
not throwing our pearls to pigs?
[Teach what they do not say.] It’s a note of caution: Jesus is saying that it’s unwise to seek reconciliation
with someone who rebuffs our attempts at reconciliation and continues to sin against us. Jesus says this
to protect us from “being torn into pieces.”

Teach: Rough Interpretation

 Jesus is saying, in effect, “Some people (pigs) just can’t handle honesty (pearls) from you, no matter how
gentle, humble, or cautious you are. Even if you take your beam out, other people may not listen. They’ll
misinterpret what you say and tear you to pieces. Pigs by their nature are unable to appreciate pearls.”
 In the act of loving our enemies, we need to be cautious about what we say and not naïvely assume
that because we’re loving, we’ll be reconciled.

Principle: We don’t stop loving difficult people; we just love them differently—without words. We switch
from words to deeds and give the person a little space.

Modern Culture: Dialogue. This principle of a loving silence goes against the grain of mod-
ern American culture. We tend to want either intense, meaningful dialogue, or to be rid of the person.
America’s public media culture and pop psychologists tell us that dialogue will solve almost any problem.
It does solve many problems, but the belief that it’s a universal cure is naïve. When we’re dealing with an
enemy, dialogue will often aggravate the problem. An enemy needs a steady, quiet love over the long haul.

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 Teach: Temporary Enemy. The practice of loving deeds without words is particularly helpful
with someone who is a “temporary enemy.” Loving silently is one of the best ways to keep a temporary
enemy from becoming a permanent one.

stop here if dividing lesson into two sessions

3. Examples of Prudence from Jesus’ Teaching 20 min.

Historical Background
The Book of Matthew
 We’re going to look at some other sermons in the book of Matthew. Matthew is divided into five
major sermons: (Matthew 5-7, 10, 13, 18, 24-25). Most scholars concur that Matthew is intentionally
paralleling the first five books in the Old Testament, known as the Torah, or Books of the Law. The
Sermon on the Mount is the first sermon and the following comments on evil come from the second
and third sermons.
 Matthew, in particular, gives attention to Jesus’ teaching on evil. As a former tax collector, he would most
likely have been a participant in evil, and subject to the prejudice of others. Given Matthew’s background,
Jesus’ teaching on “How to survive in an evil world” probably was especially meaningful to him.

[1st Example]

Read: Matthew 10:16—(Second Sermon in Matthew)

Q. What does this verse mean and how might it help us know how to respond to evil?
There are wolves out there, so maintain your innocence, but increase your guard. Jesus isn’t naïve about evil.

Modern Culture: Cynicism. Our world begins by loving naïvely and ends up cynical, not
loving at all. We begin with Disney and end with despair. In contrast, Jesus offers a rich, multi-faceted
view of life that enables us to keep our bearings in the storms of life. We look evil square in the face,
but because of the hope of the gospel, we aren’t captured by it.

[2nd Example: We already talked about this in Lesson 16, Point #2.]

Read: Matthew 10:26

“There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.”

Q. How might this truth help us deal with evil?

Eventually the other person will recognize the evil that’s being done to us.

Teach: “Relax.” One of the hardest things about loving a difficult person is that many times oth-
ers don’t see what the person is doing to us. The difficult person is often in a position of control and
allows only his own viewpoint to get out. It’s hard to see someone praised when he doesn’t deserve it,
when he’s getting away with wrongdoing. Our hearts cry out for justice. Jesus says in this verse, “Relax.
Don’t try to be the revealer of someone else’s sin. Don’t try to change a stubborn person.” This principle
is like the law of gravity. Truth eventually gets out. We should concentrate simply on loving our enemeis
and let God take care of the rest. It takes faith to be quiet. Jesus encourages this quiet faith by saying that
God’s actions are more effective than our own.

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[3rd Example]
Read: Matthew 13:24-30—Parable of the Weeds
Q. How might Jesus’ teaching help us respond to evil?
[Teach what they do not say.] God doesn’t remove all evil in response to our love, or even his own love,
in this age. This is comforting to know; it keeps us from banging our heads against the wall. Every rela-
tionship, every family has weeds that won’t be removed in our lifetimes. Trying to remove the weeds will
only destroy good food. If we understand the truth of this principle, then we’re left with only sadness,
rather than bitterness.
[4th Example]
This next example of prudence is from Jesus’ life.

Read: John 2:23-25

Here we see Jesus being cautious even with his followers. John clearly tells us that Jesus’ caution came
out of his knowledge of the human heart. We’re exercising similar caution when we instinctively put out feel-
ers to see what people are like when we’re getting to know them. We open up slowly because the world has
evil in it.

[5th Example]

Read: Mark 10:10

Why does Jesus speak to his disciples behind closed doors about divorce? Jesus’ relative, John the
Baptist, was killed by Herod for talking about Herod’s divorce publicly.

Teach: Deference. Remember, in many relationships there are moments, seasons, or areas in
which the other person becomes an enemy. Don’t make a big deal of it; just quietly forgive the other
person. Deference is the habit of silently forgiving people without ever telling them how they hurt you.
Deference is a rare and beautiful quality.

Old Testament Background

Prince of Peace
One of the prophecies about the Messiah is that he would be the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Jesus’ com-
mand to love our enemies is one of the clearest instances of Jesus’ peace-making.

[This is an aside.]
Teach: Combining Biblical Principles. This principle of silence in the face of our
enemies doesn’t mean that we’ll always be silent with an enemy. At times, other Biblical principles, such
as teaching our children to obey, balance out the command to love our enemies.

Illustration: Combining Biblical Principles

As parents, we’re responsible before God to teach children to obey (1st principle), so if our teenage son
is mouthy, we might take away his car or phone privileges for a week. But the command (2nd principle) to
love our enemy (in this case a “temporary enemy”) shapes how we relate to him. We can choose not to argue
with him or get into shouting matches. If he yells at us for taking away his use of the car for a week, we might
calmly tell him that he lost his car privileges for an additional week (1st principle again). If he continues to be
disrespectful, it’s probably best to be quiet. Why? We’ve already disciplined him for his temper. He just needs
time to cool down. Continuing to discipline him when he has lost control would be provoking him to wrath
(3rd principle). So we can choose to let him have the last word even though it’s wrong for him to have the last
word. We discipline him and, at the same time, love him as an enemy.

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 4. How Loving Our Enemies Changes Us 10 min.
Q. What happens to us on the inside if we don’t love or forgive our enemies, but
stew on what they’ve done?
We become bitter.

Teach: The greatest danger when an enemy hurts us isn’t what he does directly to us, but what can
happen indirectly in our hearts. If we don’t forgive our enemies, then bitterness begins to grow in us like
a cancer. It can lead to two things:
 Our enemy controls us.
 We become like our enemy. We tend to become like the things we focus on. (See Romans 2:1.)

Q. Even if we forgive an enemy, what happens whenever we see him again, or

whenever he does something to irritate us?
We might forgive our enemy, but then we see him again, and just the sight of him brings back a flood
of memories about what he did to us. Or maybe he continues to hurt us. So we have to go through the
whole process of forgiveness again and again.

Q. Let me explain what I mean. I want all of you, right now, not to think about Bugs
Bunny chomping on a carrot. [Pause.] What are you all thinking about?
Bugs Bunny.

Teach: No matter how we fight it, bitterness may grow just because of the ongoing presence of the
enemy. Or maybe the enemy is out of our lives, but the ongoing effect of his past hurts constantly reminds
us of what he’s done. Bitterness can be like a claw in the brain, eating away at our joy. How do we cope?

Q. What specific instructions do both Jesus (Matthew 5:44) and Paul (Romans
12:14) give us about how to love an enemy?
We are to actively bless our enemies though prayer.

Q. How might blessing our enemy free us from the Bugs Bunny syndrome?
We’re filling our minds with something other than anger.

Teach: If we’ve really been hurt by someone, blessing our enemy will seem crazy, but it works. Our
minds are freed as we obey Jesus and move from cursing to blessing.

Q. If we’re actively loving our enemies by thinking of their needs, how are we then
transformed on the inside?
By loving our enemies, we’re filling our minds with something other than Bugs Bunny.

Teach:
 We must put something in our minds that actively relates to our enemy (like loving him) or we’ll
naturally slide into bitterness no matter how much we forgive. Jesus even tells a parable about the
danger of an empty heart (Matthew 12:43-44). (Paul the Apostle repeats this idea when he writes from
a Roman prison to the Christians in the cities of Colossae and Ephesus, telling them not only to “put
off” sin but also to “put on” righteousness [Ephesians 4:22-28, Colossians 3:1-14.])
 Not only are we freed from bitterness and from becoming like our enemy, but we become like Jesus!
Some of his beauty becomes ours. Love breaks the cycle of evil and revenge (Colossians 3:1-4).

Principle: Love like this takes the heart by surprise and brings healing. Bitterness slowly dies for lack of fuel.

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