THE

BOUNDARIES
FLIP CHART
A Psychoeducational Tool
to Help Clients Set Healthy Limits,
Develop Fulfilling Relationships,
and Reclaim Their Worth

NEDRA GLOVER TAWWAB, MSW, LCSW

Author of the NYT bestselling books Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free
@nedratawwab
 WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

Use this page to develop a working definition of what boundaries mean to your client.
Discuss your client’s existing descriptions of boundaries and explore their understanding of
them. Have your client fill in the blank lines with their own additional thoughts and ideas.

Boundaries mean different things to different people. Here are some examples of how
boundaries are conceptualized:

• They are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable
in your relationships.
• They are ways to communicate your needs to others through your words
and actions.
• They are perimeters that you establish with yourself and others.
• They allow you to know when to say no or yes.
• They protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
• They let other people know where you end and they begin.
• They are a form of self-care.
• They represent ways to define roles in a relationship.

Process Questions:
- How would you define a boundary?
- What do boundaries mean to you?
- Do you have boundaries in your life? Too many? Too few?

•1•
 WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

bound•a•ry
“something that points out or shows a limit or end, a dividing line”*

• They are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable
in your relationships.

• They are ways to communicate your needs to others through your words
and actions.

• They are perimeters that you establish with yourself and others.

• They allow you to know when to say no or yes.

• They protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

• They let other people know where you end and they begin.

• They are a form of self-care.

• They represent ways to define roles in a relationship.

• 

• 

• 

* “Boundary.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster

 DO YOU NEED HEALTHIER BOUNDARIES?

Since many clients don’t realize that they have unhealthy boundaries, it’s helpful for
them to see concrete examples of what this can look like. Go through this checklist
with your client, asking them to identify any of the behaviors they engage in.

Boundaries, or lack thereof, are often so woven into our lives that we don’t realize when
they need to be firmed (or loosened) up for our own well-being. In fact, most people
don’t even realize that boundaries are an issue in their lives until they see concrete
examples of poor boundaries that resonate with them.

Let’s look at this list and identify whether you see yourself in any of the examples.

The following are all signs that you may need to set healthier boundaries:
 Overextending yourself  Allowing others to make decisions for you
 Making excuses for the poor behavior of others  Taking on other people’s problems or emotions as if they
 Having one-sided relationships are your own

 Lending money when you don’t have the means  Acting as if things don’t bother you

 Saying yes to things you don’t want to do  Avoiding actions that may “rock the boat”

 Fearing how others will react if you say no  Telling yourself you’re “too sensitive” (i.e., gaslighting
yourself)
 Tending to other people’s needs and neglecting your own
 Taking the blame for other people’s behavior
 D
 oing things for people instead of helping them do things
for themselves  Assuming you’re at fault for most things

 Showing up late to most things  Not holding others accountable for things that hurt or
bother you
 Apologizing for your feelings or for saying no
 Doing things out of a sense of obligation
 Accepting mistreatment of any kind
 Trying to be everything to everyone
 Having difficulty saying no
 Always being the helper, never the one being helped
 L acking emotional separation between you and another
person (enmeshment)  Having difficulty asking for help

 People-pleasing  Rescuing others

 Being dependent on feedback from others  Neglecting self-care

 Having a paralyzing fear of rejection  Consistently going to work early (or staying late), even
when you’re not asked to
 P
 articipating in sexual acts you’re not comfortable with
(or pressuring others to do the same)  Waiting for others to figure out what you need

 Taking on more than you can handle  Other: 

Process Questions:
- When you see how many examples you’ve identified with, what are your initial thoughts?
- Do you see any commonalities among the boxes you’ve checked (or the ones you haven’t)?
- In general, do you see unhealthy boundaries popping up in one area of your life more than
others (e.g., work, home, relationships, family, friends)?
- If you checked off one or more items while immediately thinking, “Yes, that’s me!” what do you
think that says about your overall boundaries?

•5•
 DO YOU NEED HEALTHIER BOUNDARIES?
The following are all signs that you may need to set healthier boundaries:
 O
 verextending yourself  A
 llowing others to make decisions for you

 M
 aking excuses for the poor behavior  T
 aking on other people’s problems or
of others emotions as if they are your own

 H
 aving one-sided relationships  A
 cting as if things don’t bother you

 L ending money when you don’t have  A

 voiding actions that may “rock the boat”
the means
 T
 elling yourself you’re “too sensitive”
 S
 aying yes to things you don’t want to do (i.e., gaslighting yourself)

 F earing how others will react if you say no  T

 aking the blame for other people’s
behavior
 T
 ending to other people’s needs and
neglecting your own  A
 ssuming you’re at fault for most things

 D
 oing things for people instead of helping  N
 ot holding others accountable for things
them do things for themselves that hurt or bother you

 S
 howing up late to most things  D
 oing things out of a sense of obligation

 A
 pologizing for your feelings or for  T
 rying to be everything to everyone
saying no
 A
 lways being the helper, never the one
 A
 ccepting mistreatment of any kind being helped

 H
 aving difficulty saying no  H
 aving difficulty asking for help

 L acking emotional separation between  R

 escuing others
you and another person (enmeshment)
 N
 eglecting self-care
 P
 eople-pleasing
 C
 onsistently going to work early (or staying
 B
 eing dependent on feedback from others late), even when you’re not
asked to
 H
 aving a paralyzing fear of rejection
 W
 aiting for others to figure out what
 P
 articipating in sexual acts you’re not
you need
comfortable with (or pressuring others
to do the same)  O
 ther: 

 T
 aking on more than you can handle 
 WHERE DID YOU LEARN ABOUT BOUNDARIES?

Use this exercise to explore how boundaries were communicated to your client in childhood and
how those experiences have informed the way they approach boundaries today. Although the
exercise asks your client to identify patterns of boundary violations that occurred as they were
growing up, even isolated or one-time traumatic events can have lasting effects on someone’s
ability to set healthy boundaries, so make sure to explore these specific experiences as well.

It can be especially difficult to say no and set boundaries if the concept of boundaries
wasn’t taught to you or if your own boundaries weren’t honored in childhood. Let’s look
at this list to identify how boundaries were communicated while you were growing up.
Your past experiences have likely shaped you as a person, and they might also affect
your work in adopting new, healthier boundaries in the present. Check off the boundary
violations that were commonplace in your home or that stand out in your mind.

When I was growing up…

Physical/Material
 I didn’t have a private space in my home just for me.
  M  y parents enabled tracking on my phone so they would always
 M  y personal belongings were broken, thrown away, or disrespected. know my whereabouts.
 P  eople read my journal, went through my phone, or eavesdropped on  I was forced to show affection even when I was uncomfortable
my conversations. doing so (e.g., hugging a relative).
 I was not provided proper clothing or housing.  I was forced to finish the food on my plate or to eat things I
 F amily members entered my room without knocking first. strongly disliked.
 eople took things from me or used my possessions without permission.
 P  I was hit, pushed, pinched, or otherwise physically harmed.
 I witnessed other people being abused in my home.
 I had little to no adult supervision; I did whatever I wanted.
Emotional

 A dults shared intimate details of their lives with me.  E veryone was in everyone’s business.
 M y feelings were dismissed or minimized.  E xpectations of me were impossibly high.
 I served as a go-between for my parents’ conflicts.  R ules were enforced inconsistently.
 M y family taunted, bullied, or teased me. I was punished, not disciplined, for my behavior.
 I was blamed for things that weren’t my fault. I was told my feelings were “too big” (e.g., being shamed for crying

 A dults asked me to keep secrets for them. or expressing anger).
 T here was too much (or too little) affection.  I didn’t feel safe sharing my feelings.

Sexual
 I was exposed to adult sexual content (e.g., pornography or graphic 
 M y parent was openly promiscuous.
sex scenes).  I did not receive proper gynecological care (if applicable).
 A  dults made sexual innuendos and jokes in front of me.  N udity was common in my home.
 N o one taught me about my reproductive parts, sex, or sexuality.  I was sexually abused by someone in my home.
 he adults in my home were overtly sexual with one another in front
 T  A dults expressed overtly discriminatory or phobic views around
of me. gender and sexuality around me.

Process Questions:
- How do you think these experiences have impacted your boundaries today?
- What would have been a helpful boundary for you as a child?
- Who were the people in your life who violated your boundaries?
- Who were the people in your life with whom you felt seen, heard, and honored?

•6•
 WHERE DID YOU LEARN ABOUT BOUNDARIES?
When I was growing up…
Physical/Material
 I didn’t have a private space in my home  M
 y parents enabled tracking on my
just for me. phone so they would always know my
 M
 y personal belongings were broken, whereabouts.
thrown away, or disrespected.  I was forced to show affection even
 P
 eople read my journal, went through when I was uncomfortable doing so
my phone, or eavesdropped on my (e.g., hugging a relative).
conversations.  I was forced to finish the food on my plate
 I was not provided proper clothing or or to eat things I strongly disliked.
housing.  I was hit, pushed, pinched, or otherwise
 F amily members entered my room without physically harmed.
knocking first.  I witnessed other people being abused in
 P
 eople took things from me or used my my home.
possessions without permission.  I had little to no adult supervision; I did
whatever I wanted.
Emotional
 A
 dults shared intimate details of their lives  E
 veryone was in everyone’s business.
with me.  E
 xpectations of me were impossibly high.
 M
 y feelings were dismissed or minimized.  R
 ules were enforced inconsistently.
 I served as a go-between for my parents’  I was punished, not disciplined, for my
conflicts. behavior.
 M
 y family taunted, bullied, or teased me.  I was told my feelings were “too big”
 I was blamed for things that weren’t my (e.g., being shamed for crying or
fault. expressing anger).
 A
 dults asked me to keep secrets for them.  I didn’t feel safe sharing my feelings.
 T
 here was too much (or too little) affection.
Sexual
 I was exposed to adult sexual content  I did not receive proper gynecological care
(e.g., pornography or graphic sex scenes). (if applicable).
 A
 dults made sexual innuendos and jokes  N
 udity was common in my home.
in front of me.  I was sexually abused by someone in my
 N
 o one taught me about my reproductive home.
parts, sex, or sexuality.  A
 dults expressed overtly discriminatory or
 T
 he adults in my home were overtly sexual phobic views around gender and sexuality
with one another in front of me. around me.
 M
 y parent was openly promiscuous.