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INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION:
CONTEXT AND
CONNECTION
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Program Page
About the book
Licensing
About the Authors
1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

1.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication
1.2: Defining Interpersonal Communication
1.3: Communication Principles
1.4: Models of Communication
1.5: Interpersonal Communication Fulfills Our Needs
1.6: Tools of Interpersonal Communication
1.7: Ethical Communication
1.8: Summary and Review
1.9: References
2: Communication and Self

2.1: Introduction to Communication and Self
2.2: Understanding the Self—Who You Are
2.3: Forming the Self
2.4: Communicating the Self
2.5: Changing the Self
2.7: References
3: Perception and Communication

3.1: Introduction to Perception and Communication
3.2: Perception Process—Parts 1 and 2 (Selection and Organization)
3.3: Perception Process - Part 3 (Interpretation)
3.4: Influences on Perception
3.5: Stereotyping, Microaggressions, and Bias
3.6: Guidelines for Effective Perception
3.8: References
4: Verbal Elements of Communication

4.1: Introduction to Verbal Elements of Communication
4.2: The Nature of Language
4.3: Language Barriers
4.4: Improving Verbal Communication
4.6: References
5: Nonverbal Elements of Communication
5.1: Introduction to Nonverbal Elements of Communication
5.2: Definitions
5.3: The Roles of Nonverbal Communication in Interpersonal Communication
5.4: The Six Functions of Nonverbal Communication
5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication
5.7: References
5.8: Case Study
6: Listening
6.1: Introduction to Listening
6.2: Stages of the Listening Process
6.3: Functions of Listening
6.4: Listening Styles
6.5: Barriers to Listening
6.6: Ineffective Listening Practices
6.7: Becoming a Better Listener
6.9: References
7: Emotions
7.1: Introduction to Emotions
7.2: What Are Emotions?
7.3: Influences on Emotional Expression
7.4: Emotions in Relationships
7.5: Managing Emotions
7.6: Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Effectively
7.7: Coping with Challenging Emotions
7.9: References
8: Communication Climate
8.1: Introduction to Communication Climate
8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates
8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying Confirming and Disconfirming Responses
8.4: Supportive versus Defensive Communication
8.5: Skills to Support Confirming Communication Climates
8.7: References
9: Interpersonal Conflict
9.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Conflict
9.2: Interpersonal Conflict Defined
9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes
9.4: Conflict Management Style
9.5: Unproductive Conflict
9.6: Conflict Resolution
9.8: References
10: Building and Maintaining Relationships
10.1: Introduction to Building and Maintaining Relationships
10.2: Foundations of Relationships
10.3: Common Relationship Types
10.4: Relationship Stages
10.5: The Role of Self-Disclosure
10.6: Couple Communication
10.7: Cycle of Abuse and Coming Apart
10.9: References
11: Dark Side of Communication

11.1: Introduction to the Dark Side of Communication
11.2: Deception and Gaslighting
11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip
11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in Relationships
11.5: The Dark Side of Social Media
11.7: References
12: Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace

12.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace
12.2: Interpersonal Communication and the Workplace
12.3: Types of Workplace Relationships
12.4: A Guide to Communicating Professionally in Workplace Relationships
12.5: Boundaries at Work
12.7: References
Index
Glossary
Glossary
Detailed Licensing
About the book
Interpersonal Communication: Context and Connection or seamlessly integrated into course management systems
provides an engaging overview of interpersonal communication such as Canvas.
grounded in theory, research, and practical application, with an Universal Design: The design of the book adheres to the
eye to the lived experience of college students. The first three best practices of accessibility in universal design as
chapters provide the foundation of interpersonal communication recommended by the Academic Senate of the California
with an examination of the theoretical and conceptual Community Colleges.
background of communication, self, and perception. The next Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion: The writing of the book
section of the book examines unique features of messaging, with was guided by the principles of equity, diversity, and
an exploration of listening, verbal, and nonverbal inclusion, using voice, language, and examples to speak
communication. Chapters seven, eight, and nine explore directly to students.
dynamic factors that shape interpersonal relationships, including Authors: The authors of this text include a collective of 15
emotions, climate, and conflict. The final chapters of the book diverse instructors from across California, from San Diego
delve into communication in context through building and all the way up to Humboldt County.
maintaining relationships, the dark side of communication, and Chapter Enhancements include:
workplace relationships. Each chapter begins with learning objectives that are
based on C-ID standards and ends with a summary to
Throughout the writing of this textbook, we kept our target
link student learning back to the objectives.
audience in mind: first and second-year students at community
Break-out boxes throughout the chapters include a focus
colleges and universities. Using descriptions, examples, images,
on gender, culture, technology, and media in combination
and activities that would connect with our students, we focused
with activities and questions for student reflection.
on fundamental concepts, theories, and models that addressed
Original images and activities developed by authors.
the student learning outcomes for achieving knowledge and
Each chapter includes a rich database of key concepts,
skills in interpersonal communication. This academic resource
vocabulary terms, and questions for discussion.
is available free of charge because we support the accessibility
of educational materials for everyone. We encourage instructors Pandemic, Virtual Environments, and Communication:
to consider adopting this open educational resource as a Every attempt was made to acknowledge how virtual
comprehensive textbook for a course on interpersonal environments and the pandemic have shaped interpersonal
communication. We also suggest that instructors consider communication.
customizing their use of the text by incorporating chapters or This project was a labor of LOVE on the part of the
sections of the resource into other courses as appropriate. communication faculty who participated in the writing of this
textbook. We came together as strangers and leave this project
Interpersonal Communication: Context and Connection was
as friends. Influenced by popular OER writings in the discipline
written with several unique features in mind that make it an
of interpersonal communication, the majority of this book is
excellent resource for community college students.
written in our own voices inspired by our teaching and personal,
Interpersonal Communication C-ID: The book was lived experiences. The acronym below spells out our labor of
written with the rigor and expectations tailored to C-ID for LOVE.
COMM 130, Interpersonal Communication. The C-ID
number is a designation that ties that course to a specific L: Life-long learning Based on our love for and, for many
course “descriptor” that was developed by intersegmental of us, life-long learning and teaching in the field of
discipline faculty and reviewed statewide. communication studies, we wanted to share the significant
Theoretical Framework: The book incorporates concepts, theories, and models of interpersonal
frameworks of traditional interpersonal communication communication through engaging examples and narratives,
theories with contemporary examples to promote student clear definitions and discussions, and relevant reflective
success. activities with learners of all ages, backgrounds, and
CC-BY License: The book has a Creative Commons license experiences.
CC BY which is by far one of the most open licenses in the O: Open education Because we advocate for and support
OER spectrum and allows users to retain, reuse, revise, open education for all, we created an open educational
remix, and redistribute. resource that would be accessible to all students as a free
Libre-Texts Platform: With Libre-Texts as the platform for text. We also composed this text in such a way that
the book, materials can be adapted for face-to-face courses, instructors can select as much of the resource as they chose
to use and adapt it as they see fit in order to best suit their have been possible without the support of a joint grant from the
students and the student learning objectives. Academic Senate of the California Community Colleges Open
V: Virtual learning Being committed to providing the best Educational Resources Initiative (ASCCC-OERI) and Libre-
possible learning experiences for our students in their online, Texts. This project received financial support for this project
virtual learning environments, we ourselves worked on this and equally important extensive training in open education
collaborative project conducting our research, writing our resources, licensing, accessibility, and Libre-Texts. We like to
chapters, and revising our text as we learned how to use new thank the OER authors who came before us, as well as
technologies to provide our students with the most relevant, organizations such as the Gottman Institute, for graciously
up-to-date information on interpersonal communication sharing their valuable resources with this project. We would also
accessible online. like to thank Shagun Kaur - our Project Facilitator, and Hilary
E: Equity Being mindful of the unfairness and injustice Altman, and Kim Yee-Jung - our two leads of this project. Their
brought about by the pandemic and other societal issues, we vision, patience, and amazing organizational skills help to
answered the call to craft a text that was grounded in equity facilitate this project through to its completion. Collectively, the
and supported student success in achieving a fundamental authors would like to thank their families and loved ones for
understanding of the theory and practices in effective providing support and feedback throughout this process. Last,
interpersonal communication. but not least, the authors would like to thank the wonderful
The authors of this book would like to offer a heartfelt thank students of the California Community College system, who
you to the supporters of this project. This project would not collectively served as inspiration for this text.
Licensing
A detailed breakdown of this resource's licensing can be found in Back Matter/Detailed Licensing.
About the Authors
About the Authors
Author Images Author Bios
Hilary is Chair of Communication and Co-Chair of the Art, Music, and

Communication Department, as well as a Communication instructor for
the amazing students of Merritt College in Oakland, California. With a
B.S. and Master’s degrees from Cornell University, and a Ph.D. from
Northwestern, she has also worked in radio, and nonprofits, and is also
a licensed therapist. Hilary is a disability advocate and enjoys hiking,
rescuing dogs, and watching basketball and football, preferably with
Hilary Altman, Ph.D., LMFT
family and friends.
Kristine is a professor of Communication Studies at Golden West

College. She began her interest in the field as a competitor on the
speech and debate team and CSU Long Beach where she received her
B.A. and M.A. before going on to get her Ph.D. at Purdue University.
When she is not teaching and working she enjoys spending time playing
games with her family and baking.
Kristine Clancy, Ph.D.
Liz is a professor of Communication Studies at American River College

and has been teaching for 15 years. She is a proud community college
graduate and earned her B.A. in Communication Studies from U.C.
Davis. She went on to earn an M.A. in Instructional and Organizational
Communication from CSU, Sacramento. Liz serves on the Student
Learning Outcomes Committee and is the faculty advisor for the Phi
Theta Kappa Honor Society. When she is not in the classroom, you will
find her running her consulting business, nurturing her creative side,
spending time with her two boys, hiking, meditating, traveling, and
Elizabeth (Liz) Coleman, M.A.
enjoying a cup of coffee in the backyard.
Liz Encarnacion (she/they) is an assistant professor of communication
studies at Chaffey College. After transferring from Grossmont College
in San Diego to Cal Poly Pomona, Liz went on to receive her master's in
Liz Encarnacion, M.A. Human Communication studies from Cal State Fullerton. Liz is actively
engaged in diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts across Chaffey
Campus and the state of California, working with students and faculty-
driven by the same missions.
Angela is a professor of Communication Studies at Cerritos College,

where she has also served as department chair, Guided Pathways faculty
coordinator, and on numerous campus committees. Her research
interests center on interpersonal conflict management and developing
communicative competence. Her joys in life are spending time with her
family, traveling, hiking, and teaching.
Angela Hoppe-Nagao, EdD, M.A.
Anu has been a professor at De Anza College since 2000 in both the
Intercultural Studies and Communication Studies departments. Most
recently she has been serving as Department Chair of Communication
Studies and Co-Coordinator of the Learning in Communities program.
Anu was born in Wisconsin (yes, she is a Packers fan) and raised mostly
in Illinois. She has a B.A. from the University of Illinois and an M.A.
from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. She earned her Ph.D. in
Intercultural and Organizational Communication from Arizona State
University. Prior to working at De Anza, Anu worked in the Maricopa
Anu Khanna, Ph.D. Community College District developing leadership training for
academic leaders. Outside of work, Anu enjoys traveling with her
husband and two teenagers, cooking, reading, and crafting.
Karyl has been researching and teaching for 30 years in the field of
Communication and Cultural Studies. Her research focuses on the
analysis of public communication that enables social, political, and
cultural ideologies to produce power and privilege. She is also
interested in critical pedagogy and teaching practices that enhance
student learning. When not at work, she enjoys eating pastries and
Karyl Kicenski Ph.D. visiting tropical locales.
Victoria Leonard has been teaching since 1981 and began her career at
California State University, Northridge. After 14 years she began full-
time at College of the Canyons. Over her career, Professor Leonard has
served as department chair, on numerous campus committees, and has
served students as adviser to the COMS Club and Sigma Chi Eta Honor
Society. Her primary goals as a professor have been to help students
connect theories to their lives. When not working, she can be found in
Victoria Leonard. M.A. the U.K. visiting her son and his family, spending time with her
daughter who is also a COMS professor, or repurposing and chalk
painting furniture.
Alex Mata is a Professor of Communication Studies at San Diego,

Miramar College. She also serves as the Humanities Department Chair
and Mentoring Coordinator for her campus. Alex finds new ways to
explore her passion for understanding Communication Studies as a
mom, wife, friend, daughter, advocate, community member, and
countless other interactions with those around her. When she is not
working, Alex enjoys being outside, traveling to new and exciting
locations to learn about all of the beauty this world has to offer.
Alex Mata, M.A.
Rebeca is a Community College and California State University system

professor. She was born and raised in San Francisco CA, and the first
Latina in her family to graduate from college. She feels that her
multicultural upbringing influenced her to want to become an effective
communicator. She worked as an International Flight Attendant for
United Airlines while studying for her master's. Rebeca earned a B.A. in
International Relations and M.A. in Communication.
Rebeca Moran, M.A.
Brielle is currently an online faculty member throughout the California

Community College system and State University system. She graduated
from UC Davis with a Bachelor's degree and San Diego State
University with a Masters degree, both in Communication Studies.
Throughout her training, she was drawn to material that intersects
technology, health, culture, and relationships. Today she continues to
bridge these topics in her courses, and her additional work as an
Instructional Designer at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on education
technology and equity. When she is not virtually working on campus
Brielle Plump, M.A.
she is in the yoga studio where is also a teacher and teacher trainer.
Armeda Reitzel is Professor Emerita at Cal Poly Humboldt where she
has been teaching Communication for over 40 years. She earned a B.A.
in German and English, M.A. in Teaching English as a Foreign
Language, and Ph.D. in Speech Communication. Dr. Reitzel was a
Fulbright Scholar in Nicaragua in 2010. She has been to every continent
except one (Antarctica) and hopes to go to that seventh continent
Armeda C. Reitzel, Ph.D
someday!
Tiffany has been teaching Communication Studies classes since 2012.
Professor Ruggeri is an alumnus of California State University,
Fullerton, and currently teaches the essentials of argumentation, public
speaking, group communication, and interpersonal communication.
Professor Ruggeri believes in student-centered learning, and that
coursework should be designed so that what is learned in the classroom
will aid in student success in all facets of life, in real-time.
Tiffany Ruggeri-DiLello, M.A.
Eric has taught in the Communication Studies Department at San

Francisco State University since 2013 where he teaches courses in
public speaking, small group and team communication, and
interpersonal communication. Eric was born in Flint, Michigan and he
received his BA from Wayne State University in Detroit and then went
on to earn his MA from San Francisco State University. Aside from
academia, Eric is a talent acquisition and DEI leader who strategically
and creatively grows and scales teams to help companies achieve their
business goals. Outside of work, Eric loves to travel, experiment in the
Eric Weidner, M.A
kitchen with new dessert recipes, and hike throughout the San Francisco
Bay Area.
Kim has been teaching in public education for the last 30 years. She
spent most of her teaching career in elementary education. Since
retiring from teaching children, she has returned to what drew her to
education - teaching Communication Studies. Currently teaching very
part-time and asynchronously as an adjunct instructor for Cerritos
College, Kim is enjoying her retired life!
Kimberlie Yee, M.A.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

 Learning Objectives
Define and identify the main functions of interpersonal communication.
Discuss human needs and how interpersonal communication fulfills those needs.
Examine the principles of communication.
Explain the different parts of the model of communication.

1.9: References
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1
Being an Effective Communicator
As you open this book to read Chapter 1, stop and think about how many times you have communicated today. Did you take some
time to scroll through your social media feeds? Did you chat with a friend, maybe send them a text? Did you order a coffee or some
lunch at a local spot? Did you answer a question for a customer or client at work? Did you send your instructor an email? Maybe
you are listening to music right now? All of these were communicative experiences, and we have thousands of them each day.
Communication is fundamental to our lives but much of the time it remains unconscious and unexamined. We communicate
because we must. But just because we communicate doesn’t mean we do it effectively. Being an effective communicator requires
not only practice, but knowledge.
This text is designed to help you gain this knowledge and become more effective communicators, specifically in interpersonal
encounters. In this first chapter we will define interpersonal communication, examine why communication is fundamental to our
existence, lay out the various models of communication, explore fundamental communication principles, and finally talk about
what constitutes ethical communication.
Figure 1.1.1 : Studying, Sean Benesh, Unsplash
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by Multiple Authors (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) via source content that was edited to the style and standards of the
1.1.1 https://socialsci.libretexts.org/@go/page/136525
Defining Communication
As we begin our exploration of interpersonal communication together, we need to start with a basic understanding of what we mean
when we say "communication." The examples provided in our introduction demonstrate that when we communicate, we understand
that it is happening but, if we step back and try to define what is happening in each of those interactions it can be more difficult.
Take a minute and define communication in a sentence or two. It is more difficult than it seems! Communication, as defined by
theorists and researchers in the field, is the sending and receiving of messages. While that definition may seem simple, it is highly
complex and involves the process of both senders and receivers.
When we communicate, we are trying to get the thoughts in our heads out into the world in a way that will allow others to
understand them. To do so we must use symbols to represent our thoughts, and then share them to generate meaning. In other
words, communication is sharing symbols to generate meaning.
Words as Symbols
To better understand this definition and what it helps us understand about the communication process, we need to examine the
distinct parts. First, what are symbols? Symbols are objects or images that denote or are understood to have a specific meaning. We
use symbols to express thoughts and ideas in physical form. Words are symbols. We create and reinforce their meaning. Symbols
are used to express our thoughts, the perceptions of things we have seen before, and the images of what those symbols mean in our
mind. For example, when you text your friend, “hey, you want to grab a bite?” you are using words to convey the thought that you
are hungry and want to get food together. Those words are the symbols. If you text your friend a picture of a burger, then you
are using the burger emoji as the symbol for those same thoughts.
Figure 1.2.1 : Twemoji, Twitter, CC BY 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Most symbols can mean different things at once and can mean different things to different people depending on a number of
controllable and uncontrollable factors, like context, subtext, and the past experiences of those communicating. For example, if
your friend is not familiar with the phrasing “want to grab a bite?” to reference getting food together, they may not visualize and
have reference for the same symbolic meaning of that phrase as you do. Another example could be using the word "significant
other," which can conjure up various semantic and symbolic people and relationships for each individual, yet has a standard
"literal" or dictionary definition in the English language. In both cases, you are hoping that your friend will interpret these symbols
in the same way that you do, so that the meaning generated using those symbols is shared. If that happens, then we have
successfully communicated. If your friend doesn’t think the word “bite” means getting something to eat or doesn’t know why you
sent them a picture of a hamburger, then you lack shared meaning, and you have miscommunication. As you can see, the definition
of communication may be relatively simple, but communication is not.
English borrows from other languages, making it a rich collection of symbols that has sustained itself as the predominant language
of trade and information worldwide. Multilingual speakers know that there are certain words that do not translate or have a
misunderstood translation in English. For example, "Mamihlapinatapai" (Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego): this word captures
that special look shared between two people when both are wishing that the other would do something that they both want, but
neither want to do. The term "zhaghzhagh" (Persian) translates as the chattering of teeth from the cold or from rage.
Interpersonal Communication Defined

There are many kinds of communication, but this textbook is focused on interpersonal communication. Interpersonal
communication is defined as “communication that takes place between people who are interdependent and have some knowledge
of each other” (Wikimedia Foundation, 2022). Interpersonal communication includes how we send and receive messages from
others, given our internal perceptions, emotions, and unique contexts. Although we might not have realized the vast and different
ways we use communication in our everyday lives, it is important to understand these different categories. In “Types of
Communication,” we can see there are crossovers between intrapersonal communication, interpersonal communication,
intercultural communication, group communication, and public speaking, but there are also distinct differences within the different
interactions as well.
 Types of Communication
While the focus of this text is on interpersonal communication there are several other types of communication that humans
engage. Understanding the various ways we communicate helps us better understand the unique differences between
communication types and styles.
Intrapersonal Communication
Intrapersonal communication is communication with one’s self. When we engage in “self-talk,” imagine, or remember we are
engaging in intrapersonal communication. (McLean, 2005). In order to be considered intrapersonal communication all of the
basic components of the communication model occur within the individual (Shedletsky, 2017). We engage in a wide variety of
intrapersonal communication from evaluating ourselves and others to resolving internal conflicts to planning and problem
solving. While this communication may take place in our minds without being shared externally, it is still communication.
Interpersonal Communication
Interpersonal communication is communication between two people and it is the focus of this book. Some scholars refer to
interpersonal communication as dyadic because it takes place in a pair, or dyad. We engage in all kinds of interpersonal
communication every day. Just think back to the start of this chapter when we explored how much communication you have
already done today: much of that communication was dyadic between parent and child, coworkers, customer and employee,
teacher and student, etc.
Intercultural Communication
Intercultural communication is communication between people with differing cultural identities. One reason we should study
intercultural communication is to foster greater self-awareness (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). Intercultural communication can
allow us to step outside of our comfortable, usual frame of reference and see our culture through a different lens. In our modern
world we have increasing opportunities to engage with people from a variety of cultural backgrounds so it is important that we
understand how culture influences our communication.
Group Communication
Group communication is communication between three or more people, usually in a formal setting where this group
membership is assigned or voluntary— such as a team of work colleagues tasked with presenting the company’s growth data at
a board meeting, or a church community setting up a fundraiser. While there is some discrepancy over the range, most scholars
agree that when a group reaches 15 to 20 members, it is no longer a small group and we begin to move into the next category,
public communication. There is significant overlap between interpersonal and small-group communication, because in small
groups you have an interpersonal relationship with the other members of the group (Linabary). There are many types of small
groups, but the most common distinction made between types of small groups is that of task-oriented and relational-oriented
groups (Hargie, 2011). You are probably in a few different groups: for example, your family network functions as a small
group, or maybe you are in a study group for one of your classes, or a social group that meets around a shared interest.
Public Communication
Public communication occurs when an individual or a group presents to an audience. When a group is too large to sustain
interpersonal or small-group interactions, we generally consider it to be public communication, because the larger the number
of people increases the range in which the sender is less likely to receive direct communication back in return. Many of you
may be familiar with public speaking, which is one of the most common forms of audience-centered communication in our
Western perspective. If you have ever given a presentation in class or at your workplace you have engaged in this manner of
public communication (Wrench, et al., 2020).
There are many ways in which different cultures and communities view public communication differently and engage in
discourse among large groups through discourse, including judicial review (council meetings, oaths, ministries, etc), spoken
word (poetry, theater, storytelling, music, etc.), and epideictic rhetoric (prayers, performance, chants, etc). There are many
ways in which we engage in public communication. While some might bring about more fear than others, many of us engage
in public communication more frequently than we think.
Discussion Questions
1. Which form of communication do you use the most in your everyday life? How do you think this form of communication
impacts your everyday experiences?
2. Think about the different identities you hold (student, friend, caregiver, etc.). How does your communication differ in these
roles?
3. Interpersonal communication can encompass elements of other forms of communication. What examples do you have that
showcase this overlap?
A great deal of our communication is interpersonal communication. Friendships, romantic relationships, families, relationships at
work, etc., are all areas where we engage in interpersonal communication. In fact, interpersonal communication is how we develop,
maintain, and end relationships. These relationships are the cornerstones of much of our communication interactions, as well as the
relationships we invest the most time, energy, and personal resources into. Because of the prominence and impact that interpersonal
relationships hold for many of us, this has become an area of interest and curiosity for many researchers within the discipline of
communication studies as well as other social sciences. There are many ways in which theories and research within the
communication discipline impact and help support theories and research within other disciplines; therefore learning about and
continuing to investigate the intricacies of interpersonal communication not only benefits research, but it also benefits our personal
lives as well.
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The Nature of Communication
As we develop our understanding of not only communication as a whole, but more specifically interpersonal communication, there
are some basic principles of communication that will lay the groundwork for our exploration in the chapters ahead. In this section
we will discuss how communication is learned and then we will focus on the continuous, unrepeatable, irreversible nature of
communication.
Communication Is Learned
While we are born with the capacity to communicate, communication is not innate to humans, rather it is learned. We have already
talked about how communication is symbolic and dependent on the culture and context in which it takes place. How we make
meaning from the symbols that we use is learned both formally and informally. When babies move from being vocal to verbal they
begin the process of connecting symbols to items and ideas. This happens both formally when parents and caregivers teach children
specific words and phrases, and informally as they observe what is happening around them and incorporate that knowledge. For
example, one of the first things we taught our son when he was learning to use some simple words was the difference between “all
done” and “more” so that he could express his desire when playing, eating, etc. There is nothing inherent about the letters m-o-r-e
that means "I would like to continue." Instead, this shared understanding of the word is learned when we are given additional
helpings of food or allowed to extend our play time.
In addition to formal teaching, communication is also learned informally through observation and engagement with the world
around us. Once a child is in school they are learning communication not just in the classroom but from their peers. This
communication is no less valid than what they learn from their teachers. Both illustrate the fundamental principle that
communication is learned.
Communication Is Continuous
In addition to being learned, communication is also continuous. We are always communicating. In fact, we cannot not
communicate. While much of our communication is intentional, a lot of communication is unintentional. Whether or not
communication has occurred is not always up to the person doing the communicating. When a student is sitting in our classroom
and they yawn, they are probably not sending us a specific message. But if we see the yawn and start to think that they are bored
and uninterested in what we am talking about, communication has occurred. In fact, our very existence communicates. What we
wear, how we style our hair, our posture, where we are in the environment—all of these things are communicating to those around
us. This shows us how communication is always happening, whether we intend to or not. Communication is continuous.
Figure 1.3.1 : Yawn, Miikka Luotio, Unsplash
Communication Is Unrepeatable
Communication is also unrepeatable. When we say that communication is unrepeatable, what we mean is that we can never
reproduce the same exact communication twice. Even if we deliver the same message, other aspects—such as our tone, the
environment we are in, or the context in which we are speaking—will be different, so the communication will be different.
Heraclitus, an ancient Greek philosopher, said that no man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not
the same man. Communication is the same way, because we are always communicating—and the context, our emotional state, even
internal factors like hunger or fatigue are contending with our words. These various aspects of communication are constantly
flowing like the river, so even if we wanted to repeat a communication event we could not, just like we could not step in the same
river twice. There will always be variation in our communication.
Communication Is Irreversible
Finally, in addition to being continuous and unrepeatable, communication is also irreversible. If you have ever watched Law and
Order or another similar show you may have heard a judge say, “the jury will disregard.” In non-lawyer terms what the judge is
doing is telling the jury to forget about the evidence they just heard because it is inadmissible. we don’t know about you, but this
has always struck me as odd. Obviously the jury doesn’t just forget what they heard. Now that they know it, there is no way for
them to "unknow" it. Once we communicate, we cannot undo it; what was communicated is permanently out in the world. This
principle is particularly important when it comes to self-disclosure, or the sharing of personal or private information with another
person that includes expression of your observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs in relationships. Once you share information
about yourself you cannot take it back. If you tell a friend that you have romantic feelings for them and they don’t reciprocate those
feelings, you can’t just go back to the way things were before you share that information. The communication is permanent, and in
this case it has altered your relationship in an irreversible way. This permanence has taken on even more importance with the
growth of communication technology. When we send a text, direct message (DM), or email, not only is the communication
irreversible in the sense that we can’t take it back, but it is also literally permanent because there are saved copies of it. That
communication can be shared over and over again beyond our initial communication; even if we delete the original, it is never
completely gone. This isn’t meant to scare you, but to help you understand the impact that language can have. To fully understand
interpersonal communication and its impact on our lives, we will start by discussing communication models.
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platform; a detailed edit history is available upon request.
Linear Model
There are many models of communication, and there are many components within these models that will be discussed in detail
throughout this chapter.
One of the earliest models of communication in the Western world was the linear model of communication, which shows that a
communication event took place. It contains one sender of the message and the message itself being sent to one receiver, as shown
in Figure 1.4.1. The message is encoded (created) by the sender and sent out via the channel, then received by the receiver. This
model does not include the concept of feedback as an integral component. One of the criticisms of the linear model is that it lacks
the component feedback and the idea that meaning is created amongst communicators.
Figure 1.4.1 : Linear Model of Communication on Public Speaking Project is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0
Interactional Model
Over time the linear model has evolved into the interactional model of communication. This newer model takes into account that
for there to be a sender of communication, there needs to be a receiver who takes an active role in the communication event. The
interactional model of communication, as shown in Figure 1.4.2, has both the sender and receiver actively using feedback so that
communication is no longer seen as simply linear. However, this model lacks the co-creation of meaning that takes place in true
communication interactions.
Figure 1.4.2 : Interactional Model of Communication on Survey of Human Communication is licensed under CC BY 3.0
When a pilot is getting ready to take off, they must listen to Air Traffic Control (ATC) on their radio to hear what is happening on
the runway. When they are ready to take off, they will press a button inside the cockpit to send a request to ATC for clearance.
When they are done, they have to release the button so they can hear the response from ATC. If they continue to hold down the
button, they won’t be able to receive a message and ATC won’t be able to hear any other messages. The communication between
pilots and ATC is linear; it can only go one way. You can either send or receive a message; you cannot do both. For a long time this
is how we thought about human communication. There is a sender (the pilot), who encodes a message (“request takeoff”) and
sends it via a channel (radio) to the receiver (ATC), who then decodes the message. While this might be an accurate way to
describe a two-way radio conversation, it is not an accurate reflection of human communication in general. When the pilot is
sending a message to ATC, the pilot is also receiving messages simultaneously from a co-pilot or other crew. Likewise, the
ATC contact is managing a number of different aircraft as well as coworkers in the tower. Communication is not linear. We are
simultaneously sending and receiving, encoding and decoding, and managing several channels across contexts, all while we try to
block out noise. Today, we have moved past this linear model of communication to embrace a transactional model.
Transactional Model
The current transactional model of communication was created to showcase the entirety of what humans experience when we
communicate with one another, as shown in Figure 1.4.3.
Figure 1.4.3 : Transactional Model of Communication by Elizabeth Encarnacion is licensed under CC BY 4.0.
The transactional model better acknowledges the complex nature of communication. Let’s take some time to break down the
individual parts. First, rather than identifying the individual parties as sender and receiver, the transactional model simply refers to
the parties involved as communicators.
Communicators
The communicators are simultaneously encoding and decoding throughout the exchange. Encoding occurs when an individual
constructs a message using symbols; decoding happens when someone attempts to interpret the message. We create messages in
our heads and then decide how to share those messages with others. Simultaneously, we are taking in messages from our
communication partners, and trying to derive meaning from their feedback. The concepts of noise and feedback must taken into
account as this occurs. The transactional model shows how meaning is co-created and feedback is at the core of shared meaning as
all communicators are acting as senders and receivers in a synchronized manner.
Take for instance a scenario where you have come home from work and your roommate is home. You are tired but the monthly
bills will be late if they are not paid. You make eye contact with your roommate and verbally ask your roommate if they have a
minute. You have already begun the transaction of communication. In this scenario you are both communicators. You use verbal
and nonverbal means of communicating. You knew it was imperative to discuss the bills and your mind started to create or
encode messages. While you made eye contact and verbalized a message, your roommate was actively communicating with you.
Did they make eye contact? What did this say to you? We are actively decoding and encoding simultaneously. Decoding in this
scenario may be lack of eye contact or focused eye contact. We are attempting to make meaning from messages we receive while
creating messages or responses. The feedback we give can be verbal and nonverbal. Perhaps your roommate had a tone that you
interpret as irritated, which then changes how you respond. This message negotiation helps us co-create meaning. Understanding
how each role in the model affects communication can help us to understand our communication and how to become behaviorally
flexible and thereby competent communicators.
Message
The message is the meaning or content that one communicator is attempting to get the other to understand. The message can be
verbal or nonverbal. A Verbal message is one that uses language. When a customer walks into a coffee shop and the barista says
“good morning,” they are using language to express their message. Verbal messages can be spoken or written. If the message is
nonverbal then there is an absence of language. When the customer walks into the coffee shop and the barista waves their hand,
they have conveyed a similar message nonverbally because no language was used. Often the message contains both: for example, if
they wave and say “good morning,” the message is both verbal and nonverbal.
Channel
In order for a communicator to send a message they must use a channel. The channel is how a message moves from one
communicator to another, through different mediums of communication that extend the richness or leanness of the message. In the
previous example the channel is face-to-face. This channel is the richest because it allows for all kinds of messages. We can hear,
see, smell, touch, etc. so we can send all kinds of different messages. Every other channel limits the kinds of messages that we can
send. For example, you could place a coffee order online through an app on your phone. In this case, you won’t talk to the barista
or see them wave or smile, but they will still get your specific order. Technology has vastly expanded the number of different
channels that we have to communicate with one another. For instance, after you pick up your coffee you can snap a picture and post
it on Instagram or text a friend to show them how your name was misspelled. Each of these channels influences the kinds of
messages and the potential communicators. The relationship between these different components of communication will be
something we return to as we learn more about interpersonal communication.
Feedback
Feedback is a large part of how we co-create understanding by negotiating meaning, clarifying messages, and adding to our
messages. We do this verbally and nonverbally. This occurs in face-to-face communication and in computer-mediated
communication, or communication via electronic means. That may sound odd at first, but let's say that you sent an important text
message to your roommate about getting their share of the rent transferred today to avoid the rent being late. Your normally
responsive roommate does not respond for hours. How might you interpret this feedback? In Chapter 5, you will learn about the
nonverbal elements of communication, and more in-depth examples will show how feedback plays a crucial role in interpersonal
communication.
Context
Communication requires communicators, at least one message, and a channel—but to limit the complexities of communication to
just these three aspects would not give us a complete understanding of what communication truly is. Communication does not take
place in a vacuum. Every time we communicate, we do so within larger contexts while also managing noise. We cannot separate
the message and the channel from the larger contexts that the communicators are in. Each communication encounter is situated in a
relational, environmental, and cultural context that impacts not only the individual people, but the communication itself.
Relational Context
When we communicate, there is a relational component involved that affects various aspects of the interaction, such as the message
we send, the way we send it, and how the other person receives and interprets the message. The relational context is the
relationship between the communicators that influences the other aspects of communication. While not all communication may
seem to have a relational component involved, even a lack of relationship is part of the relational context and impacts the way we
will communicate.
Relational contexts impact our communication in various ways. For example, If you miss a day of class, you might reach out to a
classmate via text: “Hey, did I miss anything?” That same communication with your instructor would be very different because of
the relationship between a student and professor. When you reach out to your professor, you might do so face-to-face or via email,
and you might start by referring to them by name rather than “hey.” Because of the contextual nature of these relationships, peer-to-
peer versus student-to-professor, we tend to treat the message differently because of the social norms and rules we have been taught
growing up. For instance, we may show a small amount of respect to the instructor, including more detailed descriptions of why we
missed class, and ask permission to turn in work late — as compared to texting our peers, where we might not feel the same level
of responsibility to give that much detail.
While the relationship influences communication, the relational context will also be different for each communicator. Again, this
will influence not only the content of the message, but also how the message is delivered. For example, one of the authors, as a
teenager often used curse words at home when talking to their mother, because it was seen as acceptable in their relationship and
within their family. However, a lot of their peers were shocked when they found this out. They would never dare use curse words
with their parents. While the relational communication with the author's mother was different than other peers had with their
parental relationships, it doesn’t mean one version of the communication was “wrong” and one was “right.” They were different
given the different and varying relational contexts involved.
While there are some generalities regarding what may be socially acceptable for certain relationships and relational context, our
individual relationships are unique and therefore so is the communication they have.
Environmental Context
Where we communicate also influences our communication. The environmental context includes the setting, the circumstance,
the situation, etc. that influence communication. Since this context can include a variety of situational factors, it has an impact upon
the complex nature in which our communication takes place. The environmental context affects the communication interaction by
helping or hindering the communicators effectiveness in creating and responding to the messages.
If you wanted to have a serious conversation with a friend or significant other, it wouldn’t make sense to invite them out to a loud
restaurant with live music. That kind of conversation would be better suited in a quiet and more intimate setting. This way the two
of you could discuss the serious matter in private, where you wouldn’t have to worry about people overhearing, and you could be
more forthcoming. You could hear each other well and make sure you are paying attention, invested in the conversation, and not
distracted by what's around you.
The circumstance of the communication encounter also dictates the appropriate nonverbal communication that is used. Take, for
example, the appropriate attire one might wear to a funeral. In Western cultures like in the United States, family and friends in
mourning will typically wear dark colors such as black, whereas, in East Asian cultures such as in Cambodia, white is the
appropriate color worn to celebrate the reincarnation and circle of life of the person who has passed. Wearing white to a Western
funeral or wearing black to an East Asian funeral would not be expected given the cultural norms of this type of event. The attire
we wear and our appearance work as tools within our nonverbal communication to create meaning.
Cultural Context
Throughout the various relational contexts we may find ourselves in, and the various environments those relationships are
happening in, the cultural context is always influencing our communication as well. Culture is defined as a group of people who
share values, beliefs, norms, and a common language. Due to this shared way of thinking and behaving, people from the same
culture often share similar perspectives on the world. Cultural context includes these learned perceptions of the world. What we
find effective and/or appropriate in a given situation is greatly influenced by and influenced from our culture and cultural identity.
Some of the most basic understandings of culture and cultural context can be found in research conducted by Professor Geert
Hofstede on cultural dimensions, which showcase six ways in which a culture’s values, needs, and social behaviors are analyzed
(Cho et. al, 2019). The six value dimensions that Hofstede established from their research are Collectivism versus Individualism,
Nurturing versus Achievement, Power Distance (high or low), Uncertainty Avoidance (high or low), Time Orientation (long-term
versus short-term), and Indulgence versus Restraint. The six value dimensions are explained in more detail in the sidebar titled
“Hofstede’s Cultural Dimensions.”
Hofstede proposed that to understand how a particular culture utilizes communication, it is important to understand where its social
behaviors lie on these dimensions. With regard to our understanding of interpersonal communication, these cultural dimensions are
important building blocks in understanding the cultural context we may face when interacting within our relationships.
Cultural dimensions can be important in romantic relationships, where couples from two different cultures may have to learn each
other's cultural norms in order to understand the ways their partner’s family dynamics function as compared to their own. They can
be also found in friendships, where each friend must respect and accept certain boundaries in the relationship because of their
cultural differences, and in family relationships, where elder family members expect a certain level of respect and honor from
younger generations. In order to promote understanding of our interpersonal relationships, fundamental understanding of our
cultural differences is key.
Through dissecting the interpersonal scenarios that happen in our everyday life, we will explore the intersection between the
relational context, environmental context, and most importantly, the cultural context to showcase the complex ways in which we
communicate with others. While becoming a competent communicator includes a high amount of awareness, understanding,
knowledge, and skill, it can help us build confidence and help to strengthen our relationships.
 Hofstede's Cultural Dimensions
The cultural dimensions are an excellent tool in beginning to analyze the different identity and cultural perspectives through a
communicative lens. They allow us a small glimpse into the unique characteristics that make up the values, traditions, rituals,
and practices of various cultures around the world. But just like each person is unique, so too is our understanding of cultural
identity. It is difficult to place absolutes on human behavior, and therefore impossible to put absolutes on how someone’s
cultural identity will be displayed. While Hofstede’s cultural dimensions are a beginning step in understanding interpersonal
communication through a cultural lens, there are many more exciting steps to take along our learning journey.
Collectivism versus Individualism

The level of individual or group needs practiced within a culture. Collectivistic cultures are guided by collaborative support,
interdependence, tight-knit large family structures, and a “we” identity. Individualistic cultures are guided by independence,
autonomy, individuality, and the prioritization of immediate family structures over extended family structures.
Nurturing versus Achievement

The level of cooperation or competition practiced within a culture. Nurturing-based cultures are guided by concern for people
and their well-being, emphasizing relationships and support. Achievement-based cultures are guided by markers of success
such as material gain or status, and emphasize personal responsibility and stereotypical gender roles.
Power Distance (High or Low)

The level of, or distribution of, resources within a culture and the acceptance of those patterns of distribution from members of
the culture. A high-power- distance culture emphasizes and accepts differences in status, title, hierarchy and authority. Cultures
with low power distance have more equal divisions of power and do not put significance in titles, status, hierarchies, or
authority.
Uncertainty Avoidance (High or Low)

The level to which a culture expects and accepts predictability, rules, regulations, and guidelines. A culture with high
uncertainty avoidance will emphasize the need for rules and regulations. These cultures will find confidence in following
guidelines and erring on the side of caution. A culture with low uncertainty avoidance will be more comfortable with
variability, vagueness in rules or guidelines, riskiness, and adventure.
Time Orientation (Long-Term versus Short-Term)

The positionality of a culture’s understanding of time being future-oriented or present-oriented. A culture with long-term
orientation will be focused on instilling value in generational wisdom of elders, long-term relationships, and persistence as
important to goal achievement. A culture with short-term time orientation focuses on short-term goals, having high respect for
past traditions, and creating quick and efficient results.
Indulgence versus Restraint

The level to which a culture embodies the goals and virtues of personal happiness. A culture that is indulgent will be focused
on individual satisfaction through leisure and personal freedom. A culture that values restraint emphasizes self-control and
strict social norms, and individual freedoms like leisure are not valued as much as hard work and dedication.
1. Can you identify where you think you might fall within any of these cultural dimensions? Name the dimension and explain
why.
2. Do you think having multiple cultural identities (for example, identifying as a Mexican American) will impact where you
are in any one of these dimensions? Explain.
3. Have you had an instance where you can now see how a cultural dimension might have impacted your communication with
someone in your life? Share your experience and the outcome of that interaction.
Noise
Figure 1.4.4 : Loud by Elyas Pasban, Unsplash

Noise is the last part of the communication model. Noise is interesting because we do not need noise to communicate, but we
cannot communicate without it. Noise is always present. Noise refers to anything that interrupts the communication process and
prevents the message getting from one communicator to the other.
Physical Noise
Physical noise is anything in our environment that is loud enough to prevent one communicator from hearing the other. If you are
at a large sporting event there is going to be a lot of physical noise that will interfere with your communication with the friend
sitting next to you. In this case you will probably have to raise your voice to make sure they can hear you over the roar of the
crowd, or the noise of the buzzer, etc. However, if you are texting with someone who is not with you, the loud noise wouldn’t
necessarily interfere with your conversation. Physical noise can interfere with the communication differently depending on the
channel.
Psychological Noise
When we communicate, we not only have to manage the interference from cognitive noise, but we also have to keep from being
distracted by our own internal noise. Psychological noise is noise within ourselves. For example, if you are reading a book but at
the same time you are thinking about where you are going to meet up with friends later that night, your communication is being
affected by psychological noise. You can physically read the whole page but not really decode the message within the page's
content because you are distracted by your thoughts. Another example could be when you are walking into class and you receive a
text message from a friend that you haven’t heard from in a while. But because you are in class, you can’t check your phone right
away. So instead of being able to concentrate on the lecture, you are just thinking about what the text message could say. That
message has now created psychological noise.
Physiological Noise
We also have physiological noise. This relates to our bodies on a physical level. Sometimes our bodies speak to us and that can be
distracting. For instance, have you ever slept in a way that when you woke up your back or neck hurt? That discomfort may stay
with us for hours and that prevents us from active listening or even taking in messages from other communicators. Maybe we have
a cast on a broken bone and the itchy nature of that cast is consistently distracting. Any physical distraction that prevents us from
taking in our communication partners’ messages is considered physiological noise. Similarly, if you are sitting in class while the
instructor is speaking but you are hungry because you didn’t eat breakfast, your body’s needs create thoughts that interfere with
your ability to receive the message—and once again noise has impeded communication. This example shows both psychological
and physiological noise both interfering with communication being received and understood.
Cultural Noise
Lastly, we have cultural noise. Cultural noise includes the barriers that exist among people from different cultural groups. This can
range from speaking different languages, differences in meaning of nonverbal cues, or differences in cultural dimensions that create
misunderstanding within relationships. Cultural noise creates obstacles in meaning that can become problematic in receiving
messages accurately and appropriately. One of the most difficult aspects of cultural noise is when we are unaware that it is
impacting our ability to be competent in our communication, or when we are unaware that the cultural noise is present within the
environment. For example, an American individual is interviewing for a company where the boss conducting the interview is
Filipino. While the company resides in the United States, the boss identifies as collectivistic and finds value in creating a team that
focuses on collaboration and group goal setting. The American interviewing for the company identifies as individualistic, and sees
their greatest strengths as their self-reliance, freethinking, and having strong initiative. The individualistic person interviewing with
the collectivistic boss may not understand the cultural noise that is being created within this situation by highlighting aspects of
their work ethic and ability to do the job in ways that are not culturally valued by the person they are speaking to. This cultural
noise creates miscommunication between the interviewer and interviewee in a way that would have negative outcomes of them not
feeling this job was the right fit, while the interviewee doesn’t get a chance to explain their ability and eagerness for teamwork.
Noise is always present in communication, but different types of noise interact with various channels and messages differently. No
matter what noise is present, we must learn to manage it if we are going to communicate effectively. Now that you have a better
understanding of the individual components of communication, we can turn our attention to the principles of communication.
This page titled 1.4: Models of Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Multiple
Authors (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) via source content that was edited to the style and standards of the LibreTexts
platform; a detailed edit history is available upon request.
Why Study Interpersonal Communication?
Studying interpersonal communication is important for several different reasons. First, as we mentioned at the start, we spend a
significant amount of time communicating with others. Second, learning about interpersonal communication will help us be more
effective communicators in our relationships. Third, exploring something from new perspectives will help us broaden our
understanding of ourselves. Finally, improving our interpersonal communication will help us better understand the role that
communication serves in our lives. Human beings rely fundamentally on communication to meet various needs. In this section we
will talk specifically about physical, instrumental, social, and identity needs.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

We are human and therefore, we are singular. Intrapersonal communication is communication with the self, whereas interpersonal
communication is between two people. Interpersonal communication is needed to fulfill our needs. Figure 1.5.1 showcases
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which describes and explains what our needs are and how they affect and drive our interpersonal
communication.
Figure 1.5.1 : Maslow hierarchy of needs by Tomwsulcer on Wikipedia Commons is in the Public Domain
We have personal needs and to achieve fulfilling these needs, we use communication. The hierarchy of needs was created by
Abraham Maslow. This model shows us ways we approach communication as a way to fulfill our human needs. We start at the
bottom with our most prevalent and basic needs, our physiological needs. We need water and food before we can critically think
about problem solving or if we are on track to our career of choice. Then we move to security needs. We need to have health
(mental and physical) and feel safe before we can move onto social needs. Social needs, or needs for love and belonging, are how
we connect to others. We have a physical and psychological need for affiliation and connection. When these needs are not met they
may have negative effects on our development. Next are esteem needs. This category has evolved over time as we learn more
about what helps us to achieve and be accomplished. Esteem needs have to do with our relationships to others (interpersonal
communication) and ourselves (intrapersonal communication). The highest needs are self-actualization needs. These are the deep-
seated goals we have for ourselves and are at the core of who we are and become over time.
In Maslow's model we move through our needs from the bottom of the pyramid to the top. It shows us is how we need to fulfill
certain needs before other needs and goals can be attained. Despite the fact that we do not always achieve our needs in a linear
fashion, this model shows us how our needs are built on and fulfilled by understanding other needs. In understanding where our
needs lie, we can better prepare ourselves to reach achievement. This is predicated on the notion that we are individuals with our
individual lived experience and culture. These components of our self-concept drive how we interpret and fulfill our needs.
Take for instance a scenario where we may be housing insecure. It would be difficult to worry about a career or success at work;
however, a successful job would help our housing insecurity. When looking at the model, we start at the bottom of the pyramid and
try to focus on how to move toward the top by fulfilling each of our needs. It is important to prioritize our needs. At times it is easy
to become hard on ourselves and forget that our needs are unmet, which affects many aspects of our lives.
In Chapter 2, you will learn how the self-concept is formed and reinforced through interpersonal communication. Culture is a
fundamental core of our self-concept. In looking at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it is important to point out that interpersonal
communication is not always hierarchical or unidirectional. However, Maslow does provide a framework for understanding our
needs. Culture is how we understand ourselves and helps us to address our needs and how they are fulfilled.
Physical Needs
Communication is vital to our physical needs. Physical needs are those that keep our mind and body functioning. Communication
helps us express our physical needs and identify when they are not being met. When a child tells a parent that they are hungry or
tired they are using communication to help fulfill their physical needs.
Studies show that there is a link between mental health and physical health. In other words, people who encounter negative
experiences, but are also willing to communicate those experiences, are more likely to have better mental and physical health.
Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, many articles were written in magazines describing the decline in mental and physical health
that people were experiencing due to a lack of communication. Almost all of us at one point or another felt a sense of loneliness or
depression due to the lack of social interaction and physical proximity to other people. Research in health communication has
shown time and time again that our ability to communicate with others not only benefits our mental health but also our physical
health as well. Many health problems—both cognitive and functional—create stress, or are caused because of excess amounts of
stress. One way to relieve these tensions and alleviate some of the physical symptoms that may occur is through open
communication. It is vital for people to share what they feel, because if they keep their feelings bottled up, then they are more
likely to suffer emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Instrumental Needs
Like physical needs, communication is fundamental to meeting our instrumental needs. Instrumental needs are those we engage
in to complete daily tasks. When you show up to the classroom and ask a classmate if someone is sitting in the chair next to them,
you are using communication to meet your instrumental needs. Instrumental needs account for much of our daily communication.
Instrumental communication is evident in much of our workplace communication both with coworkers and clients/customers. We
can also see it in our academic lives when we ask clarifying questions in class or send emails to instructors. It would not be
possible to move through our lives without these instrumental conversations. In addition to the practical needs, communication is
also influential to our well-being and sense of self.
Social Needs
Humans are social creatures; we need interaction with other humans to survive and thrive, and communication is fundamental to
this social engagement. Relationships are communicative. We rely on communication to build, maintain, and ultimately to end
relationships. Think about one of your good friends. Can you remember back to when you first met them? Who initiated the
encounter? How did they do so? Was it face-to-face or online? Regardless of the setting or circumstance, you are only friends now
because one of you initiated communication and the other reciprocated. When we communicate with others, we share a part of
ourselves and over time what we are willing to share becomes more intimate. These interactions are what make our relationships.
At their core relationships are communicative. We would not be able to have friends or romantic partners without communication,
and without this social interaction we would not be fully human.
 Solitary Confinement
The importance of social interaction cannot not be understated. The ability to engage with other people is fundamental to our
physical and mental health. One area where we can see this reality play out is in the use of solitary confinement as a form of
punishment. Former Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy argued in a 2015 opinion that “years on end of near-total
isolation exact a terrible price … common side-effects of solitary confinement include anxiety, panic, withdrawal,
hallucinations, self-mutilation, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. The effects of social isolation are lethal. Even though
people in solitary confinement comprise only 6% to 8% of the total prison population, they account for approximately half of
those who die by suicide” (Herring, 2020). It is because of these effects that recent years have seen a renewed call to ban or
severely restrict the use of solitary confinement in US prisons. The American Civil Liberties Union of North Carolina along
with the North Carolina Prisoner Legal Services is currently suing on behalf of several prisoners held in cells described as no
bigger than a parking space for 22 to 24 hours a day (Waggoner, 2019). Another lawsuit was filed by Dennis Hope, who has
spent 27 years in solitary confinement in a Texas prison. “His only human contact is with the guards who strip-search and
handcuff him before taking him to another enclosure to exercise, alone. He has had one personal phone call since 1994, when
his mother died in 2013. He suffers from depression and paranoia and fears he is going insane.” His petition asks the Supreme
Court to rule that such prolonged isolation is a violation of the Eighth Amendment, which prohibits cruel and unusual
punishment (Liptak, 2022). Some states have already restricted the use of such extreme measures with positive outcomes. For
example, “assaults on employees at Colorado prisons dropped when the state reduced the use of solitary confinement and
expanded access to mental health treatment” (Waggoner, 2019).
1. When has a lack of communication negatively affected you in your life?
2. After understanding the effects of solitary confinement, do you see isolation in our society (and therefore lack of
communication) resulting in effects on the human body? Where do you see these effects as prevalent?
Identity Needs
Finally, communication is critical to our identity. Our sense of who we are is a reflection of how others see us. When someone tells
you that you are funny, or smart, or attractive, you internalize these comments and they become a part of how you perceive
yourself. An important part of our identity is being a Communication Studies instructor. We like teaching and we think we are good
at it. This perception of ourselves is based on the communication that we have with our students. When students in our class are
smiling and engaging, when they write comments on our evaluations, etc. this helps to reinforce our perception of ourselves and
our identity as an instructor. Communication is also how we present ourselves to others. The biography that we have in our digital
classroom on the university learning management system (LMS) allows us to present ourselves to our students by sharing aspects
of our identity that we think will help us connect. We also share our identity nonverbally by posting a picture online and by how
we present ourselves in the physical classroom. Communication is influential in both developing and sharing our identities.
Figure 1.5.2 : Physics Teacher, Tra Nguyen, Unsplash

Without communication we would not be able to meet our basic needs, so learning to be more proficient with communication will
help us in our daily lives and with our relationships. Taking this course will help you become a more competent communicator, and
we hope that will help you navigate these needs more easily and successfully. “Communicative competence is the ability to achieve
communicative goals in a socially appropriate manner. It is organized and goal-oriented, i.e. it includes the ability to select and
apply skills that are appropriate and effective in the respective context” (Kiessling & Fabry, 2021) . You are already on the path to
becoming a more competent communicator. As you learn more about the concept you will begin to see changes in your
communication skills and behavior. Building communication competence is a life-long endeavor, and this course is just one part of
that journey.
As you can see there are a number of reasons you should be excited to engage with this text and learn more about interpersonal
communication. As we begin that process it is important that we have a shared language to talk about communication moving
forward. The next section will lay out some of the key concepts of communication so that we can discuss interpersonal
communication.
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Complexities of Communication
Page ID While communication studies discipline experts will highlight throughout this text the many ways communication can
144461 benefit relational satisfaction, self awareness, and personal and professional growth, there are also dark sides to
communication as well as misconceptions that can thwart our communication goals. Although the dark side of
communication and communication misconceptions may sound negative, when we understand the related reasons why they occur
and our role in those reasons, we are better able to adapt our skills and respond in a way that is communication competent.
Throughout our course of study, we will explore facets of interpersonal communication, in order to set our goals of communicating
effectively and appropriately throughout our learning journey.
 Common Questions in Interpersonal Communication

Any time we begin learning something new, we may find ourselves curious about the subject and want to explore those
curiosities in more depth. While the following listed questions and responses are some of the common questions we typically
receive when introducing interpersonal communication, there may be more questions you discover as we continue our learning
process. Throughout this text we will be working to answer some of these questions, but there are also some quick responses
given in the following table to help frame our learning as we continue on.
Frequently Asked Questions
Question Response
Not always. Some problems are bigger than simply “talking it out”
Will communication solve all problems?
and more communication is not always better.
Skill, dedication, and hard work towards creating positive habits is
Is being a competent communicator a “natural” talent?
how someone strives towards communication competence.
Communication involves the intentional and unintentional, conscious
Does “communication” just mean talking? and unconscious sending, receiving, and responding of verbal and
nonverbal messages.
In order to prevent miscommunication, we must work at presenting
Should people adapt to my way of communicating to understand me?
our message in a way that best fits the needs of the listener.
Interpersonal communication is complex! There is a large matrix of
aspects that we explore through interpersonal communication
Is interpersonal communication simple?
research and theories that help explain why and how we function
within societies through a communicative lens.
It is important to remember that communication is not “one size fits all.” As we discuss throughout this chapter, there are a wide
variety of ways in which the complexities of communication can appear. By understanding these complexities in more depth, we
are better able to overcome these misconceptions of communication and help prevent miscommunication from occurring in our
relationships. Creating a deeper understanding of the various ways our relational satisfaction is impacted by our
communication allows us to adjust and adapt the context, message, and perceptions surrounding our communication interaction. In
understanding the interpersonal skills this text will help us learn, and maintaining our ethical standards at the forefront of our
relationships, we are learning the tools within interpersonal communication to set us up for success in becoming the competent
communicators we strive to be.
Interpersonal Skills
As we stated at the beginning of this chapter, communication seems easy because we are constantly doing it. Understanding the
complexities that make up the act of communication helps us realize the conscious and unconscious effort that it takes. In addition,
communicating effectively and appropriately—being a competent communicator—takes dedication, mindfulness, and action. Being
a competent communicator is not a natural state of being for most people (even Communication Studies scholars are not perfect!)
and in order to develop these skills we must first understand each unique part of communication.
Throughout our study of interpersonal communication we will be exploring specific elements that make up competent
communication, including understanding self concept, our ability to be an active listener, monitoring our verbal and nonverbal
communication, fostering emotional intelligence, building and maintaining relationships, managing conflict, and perhaps most
importantly, understanding how culture impacts every interaction we have.
Understanding the Self Concept

In order to actively engage in interpersonal communication, we must start at the base of understanding ourselves as communicators.
The self concept is a foundation within communication, because at every interaction we are presented with, we are communicating
from our worldview, our perspective, and from our unique lens of reality. The self concept is a stable sense of who we are in this
world. It forms from a young age, developing to answers to the question “Who am I?” By answering these foundational questions,
we begin to understand how our experiences and perceptions impact our behaviors and interactions with others around us in
complex ways.
Using Active Listening

One of the hardest aspects of becoming a competent communicator is using intentionality within our communicative behaviors.
Active listening requires that we are cognitively focused on what messages are sent so that value in the relationships is present.
Listening helps us fulfill relational needs, such as being emotionally present for a friend who’s had a rough day, informational
needs such as attending lectures and gaining knowledge through education, and critical needs to form opinions and generate ideas.
While active listening may be one of the hardest goals to accomplish, it can also be one of the most rewarding.
Monitoring Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Verbal and nonverbal communication is how we send our messages through our words, voice, body language, gestures,
appearance, and beyond. There is usually much more meaning created in how we say something than by just what is said, and how
we interpret these messages helps us to create and respond to complex messages. Think of the different ways one can interpret a
text message such as, “OK”, where there is so much meaning left out. With the addition of punctuation or emojis, the meaning
changes completely. If the message contained the emoji with a winking face, that would be interpreted differently than a red angry
emoji. Understanding these complexities helps us in the exploration of how we create unique understanding through the verbal and
nonverbal elements and how this impacts all forms of our communication.
Fostering Emotional Intelligence

Being able to see another person’s perspective, understanding how they may see a particular situation or scenario, is a foundational
aspect of building communication competence. In order to know what will be an effective and appropriate method for them to
receive information requires us to be emotionally aware and empathetic. Emotional intelligence relates to our ability to interpret
and understand our emotions and our communication partners’ emotions in a way that helps us to be successful in communicating
our own needs while also working to meet the needs of our relational partners. Understanding how we build middle ground
between our own emotional needs while also being present for the needs of others requires us to be self aware and able to
communicate through them.
Building and Maintaining Relationships

Building relationships is a core part of interpersonal communication. Interpersonal communication helps us to build and maintain
relationships. In the absence of communication, a relationship does not receive the maintenance it requires to proliferate. From the
initiation of relationships, the good times and the bad, all relationships have ebbs and flows in communication. Building our
understanding around why we form relationships, why relationships end, and how to create satisfaction and growth within our
relationships allows us to see we are not alone in our experiences.
Managing Conflict
Managing conflict is not easy but necessary. Conflict is inevitable and understanding conflict can help us avoid unnecessary
conflict, learn conflict management strategies, and what we can do to be effective and appropriate in a conflict. Learning how to
assess ourselves and how to use interpersonal communication strategies can help us achieve our relational and individual goals by
allowing us to see that while conflict may always exist in our lives, conflict can have positive and successful outcomes through
behavioral flexibility.
Intercultural Communication Competence
Culture influences all aspects of communication. We cannot communicate outside of our cultural context (Culture and
Communication, 2012). Because of this innate and intertwined aspect of culture and communication, our study of interpersonal
communication approaches discussions around culture the same way—consistently and throughout the learning process.
Intercultural communication competence is the process of gaining knowledge and awareness of other cultures while we practice
our communication competence skills alongside people from other cultural groups. Intercultural communication competence
includes the aspects of being open-minded as well in knowing that we might not always “get it right” when communicating across
cultural identities, but that we are willing to learn from our mistakes and try again.
Our interpersonal communication leans on our understanding of how the cultural context impacts and is impacted by the cultural
lens of the individuals we are building relationships with. There are times when these aspects of culture are obvious, such as when
we may be traveling abroad to a new country and experiencing a different culture for the first time, or when we interact with
someone who speaks a different language than us and we are working towards building mutual understanding. There are other
times when the aspects of culture are not so obvious. As competent communicators, we must remain culturally aware and
responsive towards how culture is impacting our communication.
Figure 1.6.1 : Young Women Leadership Program by Paula Bronstein on Images of Empowerment is licensed under CC BY NC
4.0.
For example, consider a disagreement between two friends: It may be difficult for Morgan to understand why Carlo cannot hang
out all the time, and why Carlo needs to bring his younger sibling with them when they do. It might frustrate Carlo that Morgan
does not try to plan hangouts ahead of time so that Carlo can better accommodate his family’s needs and priorities in order to make
time for his friends.
This scenario highlights specific relational elements that these friends need to work on understanding, it also highlights the cultural
elements as well. Both of them are communicating from very different cultural contexts and perspectives, impacting their
interpersonal relationship. Morgan may have grown up in a more individualistic culture, one where individual needs are put above
group or family needs, and does not see the big deal in leaving the house on a moment's notice to go meet up with friends. Carlo
may have grown up in a collectivistic culture, one where the group and family needs and goals are valued over the individuals, and
a “we” mentality is established. The collectivistic culture that Carlo grew up in may make him feel uncomfortable not asking
permission to leave the house, making sure the family chores are done and his siblings are taken care of before he does.
While this scenario describes the interpersonal communication conflict these friends are experiencing, it also highlights some of the
intercultural communication occurring between these two cultures as well. In gaining awareness of each other’s culture through
communicating openly within the relationship, the friends will be better able to manage their relationship and increase their
relational satisfaction.
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Defining Communication Ethics
Communication has ethical implications. Ethics in the broadest sense asks questions about what we believe to be right and wrong.
Communication ethics asks these questions when reflecting on our communication. Everyday we have to make communicative
choices, and some of these choices will be more or less ethical than other options. It is because we have these different options that
our ethics are tested. We can never really say that something is completely ethical or unethical, especially when it comes to
communication. “Murdering someone is generally thought of as unethical and illegal, but many instances of hurtful speech, or even
what some would consider hate speech, have been protected as free speech. This shows the complicated relationship between
protected speech, ethical speech, and the law” (Communication in the Real World, 2013).
When we make communication choices, the question of whether they are ethical or not depends on a variety of situational,
personal, and and/or contextual variables that can be difficult to navigate. Many professional organizations have created ethical
codes to help guide this decision-making, and the field of Communication Studies is no different. In 1999, the National
Communication Association officially adopted the Credo for Ethical Communication. The NCA Credo for Ethical Communication
is a set of beliefs that Communication scholars have about the ethics of human communication (NCA Legislative Council,
November 1999).
We should always strive for ethical communication, but it is particularly important in interpersonal interactions. We will talk more
about climate, trust and honesty, and specific relationships in the coming chapters, but at the most basic level you should strive to
make ethical choices in your communication. Communication is impactful. Our communication choices have lasting impacts on
those with whom we engage. While ethics is a focus on what is right and wrong, it is not easy to navigate. What is right in one
circumstance may not be in another. To help us make our way through difficult ethical choices we must be competent.
Communication Competence
Communication competence focuses on communicating effectively and appropriately in various contexts (Kiessling & Fabry,
2021). In order to be competent you must have knowledge, motivation, and skills. You have been communicating for most of your
life, so you have observational knowledge about how communication works. You are also now a college student actively studying
communication so your knowledge will continue to increase. As you learn more about communication, continue to observe these
concepts around you and you will expand the information you have to draw on in any given context. In addition to having basic
information you must also be motivated to better your own communication and you need to develop the skills necessary to do so.
One way to improve your communication competence is to become a more mindful communicator. “A mindful communicator
actively and fluidly processes information, is sensitive to communication contexts and multiple perspectives, and is able to adapt to
novel communication situations” (Communication in the Real World), 2013. Your path to improving your interpersonal
communication competence is just beginning. You will learn more about specific aspects of mindfulness, such as listening, conflict
management, deception, etc., in the coming chapters. For now we hope you are motivated to improve your knowledge and grow
your skills.
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a detailed edit history is available upon request.
Summary
We hope this chapter has helped laid the foundation for a deeper exploration of interpersonal communication in the coming
chapters. We began by talking about why this study is so important because communication helps us fulfill important needs,
including our instrumental, physical, and social needs. Then we explored communication models and the various parts of
communication. Having this shared language will allow us to discuss the various aspects of interpersonal communication from a
common starting point. We also looked at some key principles of communication that will be referenced again in the coming
chapters as these concepts are at play in various aspects we have to explore. Finally, we ended this chapter with a focus on the
importance of ethics in interpersonal communication. Now that you have a basic understanding of communication, we hope you are
as excited to explore interpersonal communication as we are.
1. Why are symbols so fundamental to human communication? Do you think communication would be possible without our use of
symbols?
2. How does different types of noise affect different communication channels? For example if you are in a loud crowded space
how will that impact your face-to-face communication? What if you are texting or scrolling through your social media?
3. Do you think intention is necessary for communication?
4. While we are born with the ability to communicate, communication is learned. Where did you learn communication? Was this
formal or informal?
5. Why is it important to be ethical in our communication? Are there any parts of the NCA Credo that you disagree with? Why?
6. How does the setting influence the communication process? Who can speak? What do they speak about?
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(ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) via source content that was edited to the style and standards of the LibreTexts platform;
a detailed edit history is available upon request.
1.9: References
Cho, S., Doren, N. V., Minnick, M. R., Albohn, D. N., Adams, R. B., & Soto, J. A. (2018). Culture moderates the relationship
between emotional fit and collective aspects of well-being. Frontiers in Psychology, 9. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01509
Cooley, R. E., & Roach, D. A. (1984). A conceptual framework. In R. N. Bostrom (Ed.), Competence in communication: A
multidisciplinary approach (p. 25). Sage Publications.
Communication in the Real World (2013). University of Minnesota Libraries Publishing.
Culture and Communication (2012). In A Primer on Communication Studies. https://2012books.lardbucket.org
Davis, R. (June 18, 2015). Petitioner v. Hector Ayala on Writ of Certiorari to the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth
Circuit. No. 13–1428. https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinion...-1428_1a7d.pdfHargie, O. (2011). Skilled interpersonal interaction:
Research, theory, and practice. (5th ed.). Routledge.
Kiessling, C., & Fabry, G. (2021). What is communicative competence and how can it be acquired?. GMS journal for medical
education, 38(3), Doc49. https://doi.org/10.3205/zma001445
Linabary, J. R. (date). Small Group Communication: Forming & Sustaining Teams. Pressbooks.
Liptak, A. (2022, February 14). 27 years in solitary confinement, then another plea for help in Texas. The New York
Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/14/us/supreme-court-solitary-confinement.html
Martin, J. N., & Nakayama, T. K. (2010). Intercultural communication in contexts (5th ed.). McGraw-Hill.
McCroskey, J. C. (1984). Communication competence: The elusive construct. In R. N. Bostrom (Ed.), Competence in
communication: A multidisciplinary approach (p. 259). Sage Publications.
McLean, S. (2005). The basics of interpersonal communication. Allyn Bacon.
NCA Credo for Ethical Communication (approved by the NCA Legislative Council, November 1999).
Shedletsky, L. (2017). Intrapersonal communication. In M. Allen (Ed.)., SAGE encyclopedia of communication research methods.
Sage Publications.
Stokes-Rice, T. (2019). Taxonomies of cultural patterns. In Creating intercultural communication competence (2.1 ed.) Open
Educational Resources Publication.
TED. (2017). Contact Zones and the Art of Interpersonal Communication | Anthony Hung |
TEDxPSUBehrend [Video]. https://youtu.be/kiU5zGARwus
Waggoner, M. (2019, October 16). Lawsuit challenges state's use of solitary confinement. ABC News.
Wrench, J. S., Punyanunt-Carter, N. S. & Thweatt, K. S. (2020). Interpersonal dommunication: A mindful approach to
relationships. Open SUNY.
1.9: References is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
2: Communication and Self

Define and explain the components of self.
Identify how the self is impacted through communication with others.
Explain how impressions are created and maintained through face-to-face communication and mediated communication.
Examine and identify ways to improve your sense of self.
By studying the different concepts in this chapter, you will learn that your background, upbringing, family, friends, and teachers
have been an integral part of the journey informing who you are. You will also see that mass media, advertising, and social media
platforms greatly influence our sense of self. As we progress through this chapter we will gain a better understanding of who we
are through our communication with self and others.
2.7: References
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Victoria Leonard (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
The Search for "Self"
A simple Google search for self-help websites yields over 1,330,000,000 results. A search on Amazon for self-help books results in
over 100,000 books. There are hundreds of quotes on self-concept and self-esteem available to purchase as wall art. It would be
safe to say that the search for “self,” or the betterment of oneself, can be a lifelong journey. Like many journeys in life, there are
hills and valleys, or bumps in the road that can impact how quickly we get to our destination. But what influences how we see
ourselves? How much of ourselves is a product of our own making and how much of it is constructed based on how others interact
with us? Can societal forces influence our sense of self, and if so, how do we manage how we present ourselves to others? We will
begin to answer these questions in this chapter as we explore the self.
By studying the different concepts in this chapter, you will learn that your background, upbringing, family, friends, and teachers
have been an integral part of the journey informing who you are. Interpersonal communication is an integral part of our self-
concept and identity. Communication helps to form our self-concept, and in turn, how we see ourselves on any given day will shape
how we communicate with others. You will also see that mass media, advertising, and social media platforms greatly influence
your sense of self. As you progress through this chapter you will gain a better understanding of who you are through our
communication with yourselves and others.
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Perceptions of Self
Just as our perception of others affects how we communicate, so too does our perception or view of ourselves. But what influences
how we see ourselves? How much of ourselves is a product of our own making and how much of it is constructed based on how
others react to us? How do we present ourselves to others in ways that maintain our sense of self or challenge how others see us?
Figure 2.2.1 : Reflecting Bullmatian by 6SN7 from Flickr is licensed CC-BY 2.0
Self-Concept
If we said, “Tell me who you are,” your answers would be clues as to how you see yourself, and what you know about yourself.
Self-concept refers to the overall idea of who a person thinks they are. We could say “I have brown hair,” “I am a professor,” and
“I am short.” In some situations, personal characteristics, such as our abilities, personality, and other distinguishing features, will
best describe who we are. You might consider yourself laid back, traditional, funny, open-minded, or driven, or you might label
yourself a leader or a thrill-seeker. In other situations, your self-concept may be tied to a group or cultural membership. For
example, you might consider yourself a member of a campus club, honor society, or athletic team. You also may consider your
roles as part of your self-concept and this may include being a student, child, parent, co-worker, or friend. You may consider your
heritage, race or ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identification as integral to how you see yourself.
We are often asked in class, “Why am I the way I am?” The overall view you have of yourself is informed by both nature and
nurture. The nature versus nurture debate involves the extent to which particular aspects of behavior are a product of either
inherited (i.e., genetic) or acquired (i.e., learned) influences (McLeod, 2018). When considering the influence of nature, we
recognize individuals as being “wired” a certain way based on their genetics, or biology. Personality traits would be considered part
of nature, therefore people who are extroverted or introverted, agreeable or neurotic, show how self-concept is impacted by nature.
It becomes important to understand this because these forces do impact how you see yourself, and thus how you communicate.
On the other hand, nurture takes external forces into account, such as what a person is exposed to, how they are treated, and what
they are taught. For example, one of our authors shares their experience:
I am a first-generation American and a child of immigrants. My brother and I were the first in our family to graduate college
and go on for higher-level degrees. We also grew up in an economically disadvantaged family. We learned that to get ahead
in life we needed to work for it. I know that I am a hard worker. This knowledge is a result of the environment I grew up in,
the lessons I was taught, and socialization. In sum, these influences are examples of how self-concept is impacted by nurture.
Figure 2.2.2 : How Do I Look? By Subharnab Majumdar from Flickr is licensed CC-BY 2.0
Self-Esteem
Whereas self-concept answers the question about who we are, self-esteem lets us know how we feel about the answer. Self-esteem
refers to the judgments and evaluations we make about our self-concept. If the feeling is negative, then we have low self-worth or
self-esteem; if the feeling is positive, then we have high self-esteem. The broad categories we looked at in self-concept are assessed
at a more micro level when considering self-esteem. These self-evaluations occur daily as you assess how you feel about yourself.
If we again prompted you to “Tell me who you are,” and then asked you to evaluate each of the things you had listed about
yourself, we would gain insight into your self-esteem. Labels such as good or bad, positive or negative, and desirable or
undesirable are examples of how we assess ourselves.
How we judge ourselves affects our communication and our behaviors, but not every negative or positive judgment carries the
same weight. The negative evaluation of a trait that isn’t very important for our self-concept will likely not result in a loss of self-
esteem. One of our authors gives their own personal example here:
Not everyone may be a great Salsa dancer. While some may appreciate dancing as an art form, they may not consider an
ability to Salsa to be a very big part of their self-concept. If someone critiqued that person’s dancing negatively, their self-
esteem wouldn’t suffer too much. However, I consider myself a good professor and I have spent my entire career studying
and expanding my knowledge of communication. If someone negatively critiqued my teaching knowledge and/or abilities,
my self-esteem would be hurt. This doesn’t mean that we can’t be evaluated on something we find important. Even though
teaching is very important to my self-concept, I am regularly evaluated on it. Periodically I am evaluated by my students, my
dean, and my colleagues. Most of that feedback is in the form of praise and constructive criticism (which can still be difficult
to receive), but when taken in the spirit of self-improvement, it is valuable and may even enhance my self-concept and self-
esteem.
In fact, in professional contexts, people with higher self-esteem are more likely to work harder based on negative feedback. In
addition, they are less negatively affected by work stress, can handle workplace conflict better, and are better able to work
independently and solve problems (Brockner, 1988). Most important to consider here is that you may not be viewing yourself as
you truly are. That is why this chapter is so important in helping you become less judgmental about yourself.
Figure 2.2.3 : Body Dysmorphia Cartoon is in the Public Domain
Self-Awareness
Awareness determines what you pay attention to, how you carry out your intentions, and what you remember of your activities and
experiences each day. The way we take in information, give it order, and assign it meaning has long interested researchers from
disciplines including Communication Studies, Sociology, Anthropology, and Psychology. Awareness means consciously taking
note of the world around us. Self-awareness is self-focused attention or knowledge (American Psychological Association, 2020).
Self-awareness in infants has been studied to reveal that infants as young as two months can recognize that they are distinct from
their environments (Lawrie, 2018; Morin, 2011; Rochat, 2011). If you have ever had an opportunity to watch babies play with their
feet, this example from one of the authors might resonate with you:
When my daughter was an infant she was laying on her back while sticking her toes in her mouth. Some of her teeth had
come through her gums, but she wasn’t aware of that until she bit down hard. There was a look of shock on her face before
she burst into tears. It was then that I realized that she was “aware” that those toes were connected to her entire body.
Even if you don't remember your infancy—and most of us don't—we am sure that each of you has a moment when you first
recognized something distinct about yourself. This could range from when you realized what color your eyes were to whether you
were able to proficiently throw a ball. In other words, you were noticing your feelings, your reactions, your thoughts, your
behaviors, and more. According to sociologist George Herbert Mead (1934), it helps to have a strong sense of yourself, because
you monitor your own behaviors and form impressions of who you are through self-observation.
Self-monitoring refers to the ability to regulate our communication and behavior to meet the demands or expectations of social
situations. This means that people vary in the degree to which they manage their verbal and nonverbal behaviors and monitor how
they present themselves in different situations. High self-monitors are particularly good at reading the emotions of others and
therefore are better at fitting into social situations because they adapt their behaviors accordingly. They agree with statements such
as “In different situations and with different people, ‘I often act differently.’” In addition, research suggests that people who self-
monitor are generally better communicators (Day et al., 2002). Low self-monitors, on the other hand, are individuals who behave
the same in all social situations even when the situation dictates that they behave differently. Low self-monitors are more likely to
agree with statements such as “I don’t think I need to change who I am and I will just act the same in all situations.” In short, high
self-monitors try to adapt to others by behaving in ways that others find desirable (they are good self-presenters), whereas low self-
monitors do not (Oh et al., 2014; Tyler et al., 2016).
Self-Efficacy
Some people have a keen sense of their ability to succeed at things they attempt to do, while others may struggle in this area. Self-
efficacy refers to a person's perception of their ability to perform a task and their expectation about the outcomes their behavior
will have in a challenging situation (Bandura, 2012). Figure 2.2.4 illustrates the interconnections of self in its relationship to our
self-concept, self-esteem, self-awareness, and our self-efficacy. It is important to keep in mind that all parts of the self will always
be interconnected. It is impossible to remove even one of the parts of the self.
Figure 2.2.4 :
Relationship between the Self, Self-Awareness, Self-Concept, Self-Esteem and Self-Efficacy by Victoria Leonard is
licensed CC-BY 4.0
One of the best ways to understand self-efficacy is to read a real-life story. In the following story, you will read one student’s
journey to self-efficacy. We hope that as you read the story you might be able to think of your own self-efficacy.
 Student Focus
Alejandro moved out of his parent’s home to attend college. For several months before he moved out, several family members
questioned his ability to take care of himself. After all, for 18 years his parents helped him by providing meals, doing laundry,
and helping him with car repairs. He began to doubt whether he would be successful, but he knew it was important to try. He
and his roommate moved out in July to prepare for the fall semester. Alejandro began navigating his life as a college student
away from home. He shopped for groceries, found recipes to cook, read up on the best way to do laundry, and found a local
mechanic to take his car to. His parents came to visit him three months later and were impressed with the strides he had taken
to become self-sufficient. When they complimented him on the meal he had prepared, Alejandro felt that he had finally grown
up. His parents’ positive feedback boosted his self-esteem with regard to “adulting.” This becomes an important aspect of his
self-concept.
Reflection Questions
1. What did you notice about Alejandro’s journey from thinking that he did not have the skill set to take care of himself to
growing in self-efficacy?
2. Have you ever felt that you did not have self-efficacy in an area of your life? How did you resolve what you felt?
3. What concrete steps can you take to become more efficacious in one area of your life?
Stories like this are important as they illustrate the interconnectedness of self-efficacy, self-esteem, and self-concept. Consider this
example from one of the authors:
Until I took public speaking in college, I did not have a lot of confidence in myself. My instructor was so impactful that I
changed my major after having almost completed a degree in Child Development. I learned that I did well in writing, and
over the next semester I changed my major to Communication Studies. I completed my undergraduate degree and was
cheered on by numerous professors who told me that I had what it took to go to graduate school—so I did. I went from a
rather shy young woman who wasn’t really into school to a straight-A student who mastered the curriculum and ultimately
became a college professor!
Hopefully, you can see that these interconnections can create powerful positive or negative cycles in our lives. While some of this
process is under our control, much of it is also shaped by the people in our lives. This is why the feedback we get from others can
impact our self-esteem and self-concept.
Uppers, Downers, and Vultures
Communication scholar Julia Wood (2017) describes three types of individuals that can impact our self-esteem in positive or
negative ways. Uppers, or ego-boosters, are “people who communicate positively about us and who reflect positive appraisals of
our self-worth” (Wood, 2017, p. 189). Typically, these are people who are significant in our lives, such as family members, friends,
teachers, coaches, and the like. If you were to get a 94% on your exam, an “upper” in your life would say “Great job! I’m so proud
of you!” The opposite of someone who is an upper is a downer or ego buster. Downers, or ego busters, “are people who
communicate negatively about us and our worth” (Wood, 2017, p. 189). Instead of a compliment on the exam score of 94%, a
downer would say “94%? Why did you miss 6%?” You would feel deflated and the “A” you received would no longer matter. It’s
important to keep in mind that your reaction will always be based on the importance of that person in your life. If someone is not
significant, you will probably have a less negative reaction.
Figure 2.2.5 : "In search of the Maltese Falcon #13 - White Backed Vulture, Malta Falconry Centre" by foxypar4 is licensed CC
BY 2.0
Finally, some of us have vultures in our lives. Vultures are an extreme form of downer (Wood, 2017), and they act in ways to tear
you down in ways that can cause lifelong damage. Whereas a downer may make a negative comment periodically, a vulture can
speak in a more abusive way. When people are not important or significant to us, we may not feel impacted by what they say—
but when they are important to us, what they say to us will be imprinted in our hearts and minds forever, for good or bad.
For example, one of our authors shares this story: When I was a college student I took care of a toddler named Audrey whose mom
was going through a health crisis. We remained connected throughout her life, and when Audrey became a teenager, she came out
to her mom as a lesbian. She was an only child and these women had a very close bond, therefore what Audrey’s mom said to her
impacted her greatly. In essence, she told Audrey that she was “sick in the head and that no daughter of mine will live that
lifestyle.” Audrey was emotionally destroyed.
Downers and vultures often think that what they are saying to someone is “for their own good,” and they truly believe they are not
causing damage. What can be hard for us to understand is that we can be praised and uplifted by 99 people, but if the 100th person
conveys negative and hurtful messages, we often negate the positive messages of the other 99 people simply because of the
importance of that “one” person in our lives. Also keep in mind that we can be our own upper, downer, or vulture. The messages
we tell ourselves can impact our self-worth. This will be discussed further in this chapter as we look at self-fulfilling prophecies.
This page titled 2.2: Understanding the Self—Who You Are is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Karyl Kicenski & Victoria Leonard (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
How Others Affect the Self
Since it’s impossible to develop into adults by ourselves, how do others play a role in creating the self? Who has a significant part
to play and what are the communication processes that impact this formation? This section will examine not just how family or
friends contribute to who you become, but also how society contributes to this process.
Symbolic Interactionism
One of the most significant theories in the social sciences to help us understand how the self is formed is symbolic interactionism
(Mead, 1934). In short, this theory says that our understanding of ourselves, and indeed the world around us, is shaped by our
interactions with others. This means that although we may believe objects, persons, or situations simply appear to have natural
meanings, in truth all meanings are a result of communication between people. Even a simple bike ride in the park is based on
social interactions from your past. Can you ride without considering actions or events from your past bike rides, or rides you have
heard about, read about, or seen on television? Even the meaning of a “good ride” influences your perception. Indeed, the very idea
of what constitutes “a bike ride in a park” depends upon all the varied meanings you have acquired through your exchanges with
others.
To illustrate this principle, let’s look at a study on the use of marijuana back in the 1950s. The research shows us how our shared
meanings of objects and/or events are truly affected by social interaction (Becker, 1953). In the study, people who had never
smoked pot were questioned to understand what they knew about marijuana. Becker, the study’s author, found at least three things
that new pot smokers learned by interacting with others: first, how to properly use the drug; second, how to recognize physical cues
of being “high”; and third, how to judge these physical sensations as actually pleasurable. Becker explained that not only did new
smokers not understand how to smoke, but they also did not automatically recognize the effects of the drug upon their bodies. That
is, smokers did not know they were “high” until they learned, through interaction, to differentiate such sensations. They needed to
be taught to consciously sense the effects of the drug. Perhaps most interesting, the research showed that smokers didn’t
immediately define the effects of smoking marijuana as gratifying. Beginners needed to be told they ought to enjoy it. Here then we
see that meanings for marijuana—in this case, its use—are surely not natural. Becker shows us that marijuana is understood by
smokers—if even enjoyed—because of the exchange of meanings about the drug through communication.
But how might this principle influence the idea of developing your own unique concept of self? Before we answer this question,
think of a friend you may have had in the past that had an impact on your judgment of yourself as a person. Did interacting with
this person add to your self-esteem? Detract? Did you feel empowered simply by spending time with them—or did you feel
criticized, inferior or unimportant? This perspective of yourself, at least as a friend, is a function of what you believe this person
believed about you, according to the theory of symbolic interactionism.
Reflected Appraisal
Mead suggests that our self-concept is developed by virtue of how we view ourselves through the “mirror” of others. This process
is called reflected appraisal (Mead, 1934). We develop a self by taking on others’ views, as if those other persons were like
mirrors reflecting our selfhood back at us. Based upon the ways others communicate with us, the feedback we receive, and the
labels others use to define us, we construct the self. In this process, we look at ourselves from the eyes of the “other.” We perceive
what we think they think, and then absorb or internalize that picture of ourselves. In the case of a previous instructor, if you
believed that they evaluated you as academically gifted, it is quite possible you might believe yourself to be just that.
Take a moment to consider the reflected appraisal you have experienced in your life thus far. It may be interesting to ask these
questions: Whose version of myself have I absorbed? Who are my mirrors? Have the mirrors I have used to form myself been
positive or negative?
Social Comparison
Social comparison (Festinger, 1954) is also key to how symbolic interactionism takes place. When we judge ourselves in terms of
how we compare to others, we engage in such a process. The use of social media is one way to think about how we can constantly
question if we “measure up” to others. If you have ever entered into a social situation like a party or a workplace event and
compared yourself to your peers—either positively or negatively—you have experienced social comparison firsthand.
Figure 2.3.1 : Comparison by ER0L is licensed CC BY 2.0
A superior comparison occurs when you make an assessment that you look better, are more intelligent, are more talented, or more
athletic, or any category like this when comparing yourself to someone else. These are a few examples of how a superior
comparison manifests. If you receive a performance review at work and one of your co-workers receives an evaluation that is less
favorable, you may think you are a better employee than they are. However, we can also engage in an inferior comparison in the
same fashion. Inferior comparison means that we feel we don’t measure up to others. Looking at friends or even strangers on
Instagram or TikTok may lead us to believe that we are not as intelligent, good, talented, or attractive as others. Our brains are
hardwired to engage in comparison. So how can we manage social comparison in our day-to-day lives? When you find yourself
comparing yourself to others, ask yourself two questions. First, is this comparison useful for my self-concept? If you compare
yourself to your classmates when you get a paper returned from your instructor, comparing your grade to others may help you
understand how you are performing in class. However, sometimes comparisons are not useful. If you compare yourself to the
physique of other people, you may be setting yourself up for an unfair comparison. Second, ask yourself if the comparison is
realistic. For example, are you comparing yourself to real images, or are you comparing yourself to filtered social media images
that have been cultivated by media influencers? Ultimately, we can't stop ourselves from engaging in comparisons, but we can
become aware of the process and use the questions from above to manage our expectations about ourselves.
When we engage in superior comparisons, we are less likely to tell others about it because to do so may gain us the title of being a
braggart, conceited, or full of ourselves. Yet, isn't the idea that we want to have a positive view of ourselves? How do we strike this
balance in having a healthy, positive self-concept, without appearing full of ourselves? There is a greater societal expectation of
humility. Sometimes that can sound like you are putting yourself down or minimizing your positive qualities when you are
complemented. When you are comfortable in who you are you will eventually be able to acknowledge compliments by simply
saying "thank you" and not feeling as though you need to put yourself down.
Our brains are hard-wired to engage in comparison. So how can we manage social comparison in our day-to-day lives? When you
find yourself comparing yourself to others, ask yourself two questions. First, is this comparison useful for my self-concept? If you
compare yourself to your classmates when you get a paper returned from your instructor, comparing your grade to others may help
you understand how you are performing in class. However, sometimes comparisons are not useful. If you compare yourself to the
physique of other people, you may be setting yourself up for an unfair comparison. Second, ask yourself if the comparison is
realistic? For example, are you comparing yourself to real images, or are you comparing yourself to filtered social media images
that have been cultivated by media influences? Ultimately, we can't stop ourselves from engaging in comparisons, but we can
become aware of the process and use these questions to manage our expectations about ourselves.
The Self and Family

You have already learned that your self is formed through your interactions with others. We cannot talk about the formation of self
without acknowledging the critical impact that family has on us. Family is not necessarily defined by blood relationships, but rather
through a system of support and nurturing given to you by whatever family of origin you grow up with. From birth, your primary
caretakers provide feedback that influences the development of your self-concept, and thus your self-esteem. Two factors that help
to determine your worldview and view of self are identity scripts and attachment styles.
Figure 2.3.2 : Mali Family by Ferdinand Reus is licensed CC-BY-SA 2.0
Identity Scripts
When we are young, our families begin the process of helping us understand what’s important or expected. What becomes instilled
in us at a young age can inform our communication behaviors throughout life. Identity scripts are social expectations regarding
how members of a particular group behave and communicate as a part of their social identity (Wood, 2017). These scripts may be
thought of as "life scripts" because they provide us with rules for living. These rules are important because they frame how we see
the world and our role in it. Most often these scripts provide instructions on what a family stands for. These scripts are largely
unconscious, even though we may hear them stated throughout the time we live with our families of origin. Identity scripts may
sound like this:
“Live life to the fullest.”
“Be a good person.”
“Always tell the truth.”
“Stand up for yourself.”
“Don’t waste food.”
"Don't let opportunities pass you by."
"Strive to be the best you can be."
"Take care of others before you take care of yourself."
You could create an endless list of identity scripts for yourself—and we know that you get the point! Although these scripts seem
straightforward, what happens if you violate one of the scripts you've been taught? Read this story by one of the authors:
When I was a child my mother used to make this amazing coffee cake. The only part about it we didn't like was the crust at
the edge of the cake. When my mom wasn't looking, my brother and I would run to the bathroom and flush the crust down
the toilet! To this day I think about that because I grew up hearing the script that it was “wrong to waste food.” Another
script I heard growing up is “always tell the truth because lying will get you into more trouble.” I was not a perfect child and
there were times I did lie, like telling my mom I didn’t feel well so I could stay home from school. When we don’t conform
to the scripts we grow up with and we violate them, we may end up feeling bad about ourselves. However, there is also a
multitude of scripts that I have lived my life by that give me peace and joy, and many of those were used in raising my own
children, such as “always help others when you can.” I spent 20 years financially supporting a child in the Dominican
Republic as a way of fulfilling an important identity script.
Culture is also an integral part of identity scripts. You may have grown up in a religion where if you sin, you need to go to
confession to be absolved of sin. Different religions will have identity scripts that shape you. Identity scripts are also influenced by
race. Interviews conducted with young Black adults in one study focused on how identity was constructed by the internalization of
racism. It revealed that
Black participants in this study did internalize racist scripts in early childhood, but were more adept at resisting negative
racial messages in early adulthood. Parenting strategies could have contributed to the internalization of negative cultural
scripts given that each respondent reported that their parents did little to shield them from internalizing presumptions of their
racial inferiority. Instead, college served as a time when participants were able to develop and redefine their sense of worth
and belonging into a more positive racial identity. (Llaguno Velarde, 2018, p. 2)
I hope you understand identity scripts are quite often unique to an individual’s culture. The impact of culture will be explored later
in this chapter.
Attachment Styles
Family not only helps form your self-concept, but it also impacts the future relationships you may have as an adult. Attachment
theory examines how our early attachments to primary caregivers affect us. In 1958, psychologist John Bowlby developed the
concept of attachment theory based on the bond that infants form with their mother (McLeod, 1970). Although his research focused
on the mother–child relationship, not all children are raised by their birth mother. We see the primary caregiver as integral to
defining the attachment or bond to the infant. Bowlby’s research defined healthy attachments as those in which a child is secure and
has an overall sense of safety. Fulfilling a child's physical, social, and emotional needs is integral to a secure attachment. Thus,
attachment theory explains how the caregiver–child relationship emerges and influences subsequent relationship development with
others, and ultimately affects how we communicate with others.
Based on this early research, other scholars have continued to explore how romantic attachments develop. Early attachments
impact adulthood: attachment styles in infancy influence a person’s development of positive and/or negative views of self and
others. Figure 2.3.3 describes four attachment styles that have been posited as evolving from these early attachments we form:
secure, fearful-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles. As shown in the figure,
Individuals with a secure attachment style have a positive view of self and a positive view of others.
Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style have a positive view of self and a negative view of others.
Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style have a negative view of self and a positive view of others.
Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style have a negative view of self and a negative view of others.
Figure 2.3.3 : Attachment Styles by Victoria Leonard is licensed CC-BY 4.0
Secure Attachment
Individuals who have consistently caring and attentive parents or caregivers develop a secure attachment style. If the caregiving
they receive is loving and stable, they develop a positive view of themselves and a positive view of others. Given this style, as
people become adults, their approaches to romantic relationships are generally positive. Their communication behaviors mirror this
positivity. They find it easy to become emotionally close to others and they report greater relationship satisfaction. Securely
attached people are also comfortable being both independent and interdependent with their partners. In addition, when a
relationship hits a bump, securely attached individuals have the capacity to communicate well and work on those relationships.
However, if a relationship doesn't work out, they are able to grieve and move on rather than ruminate over the dissolution of the
relationship for a long time.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
One of the more difficult-to-understand attachment styles is the dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Here, individuals have a
positive view of themselves, but a negative view of others. Early caregiving by parents is characterized by a lack of interest in the
child, and the caregiver is more focused on their own needs and comfort than those of the child. Aside from being emotionally
unavailable, parents may also be physically unavailable, such as not being at home much. If a parent is unavailable it could be by
choice, or it might be by necessity. The parent could have made the choice not to be around by hiring a nanny or child sitter; or, it
may be the child is raised by a single parent who cannot be around because they have to work. In any case, the child is encouraged
to be particularly independent. The communication from the parent may sound like: "You can do it yourself," "buck up," or "get
over it." Parents who foster this kind of attachment do not encourage their children to cry or express their vulnerabilities. Single
parents may also be loving and consistent, so it is not the absence of the parent that dictates the outcome. Rather, the attachment
style develops as a result of the interactions that occur when parent and child are together.
Interestingly, someone with this attachment style tends to view themselves positively. Why is this? Because the child was forced to
be independent and autonomous, they often develop a positive view of self. They don't accept the view that they are unlovable, but
rather dismiss others as unworthy. This makes relationships difficult for people that are dismissive-avoidant. Their early
experiences were left wanting. They didn't experience closeness with their caregiver, so they avoid closeness with others. They may
also deny needing anyone or may say that relationships are not important. Communicative behaviors might include phrases like "I
don't really need an intimate partner or close relationship," or "I'm just not a relationship kind of person." If you think there is a
tone of defensiveness in these statements, there often is. The desire that someone may have for a close relationship may be hidden
or suppressed, making it harder to couple romantically. However, in the event that a dismissive-avoidant person does find a partner
and later that relationship ends, they tend not to fall apart.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Children that grow up believing that their needs won’t be met (even if that belief is subconscious), may develop an anxious-
preoccupied attachment style. The caregiver is inconsistent in their treatment of the child. They may be nurturing one day, and
insensitive or uncaring the next day. Children who grow up in homes where their primary caregiver struggles with substance abuse
or alcohol might develop this attachment style. Under such conditions, the child has difficulty trusting the parent or might be clingy
due to unpredictable behavior. The pattern for this attachment style produces adults who have negative thoughts of themselves, but
positive thoughts of others. This may seem counterintuitive since the child experiences the treatment received by their caregiver as
inconsistent. However, this result actually makes sense because of the inconsistency. Anxious-preoccupied attachment causes
individuals to have negative thoughts about themselves because the caregiver was often insensitive or uncaring, so they feel they
don’t deserve love. But, as children, they also had days when they were treated with love and kindness. Thus, they are able to see
enough positive behavior in their parent or primary caregiver that they can still form positive attachments.
The communicative outcome of the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is a person who experiences more anxiety and is less
secure in relationships. This insecurity can manifest in behaviors such as neediness, possessiveness, and jealousy. They will need
continual reassurance that they are loved, and will seek validation. They may also struggle to be alone and have a tendency to think
negatively. If you are a person with this attachment style, or you are in a relationship with someone like this, you might see
frequent texts to just check in, or questions such as, "Why haven't you answered my text?" There may be questions about who you
communicate with, or a request to see your phone.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
The final attachment style we will examine is one that can have the most severe negative impact on one’s sense of self. Fearful-
avoidant attachment styles are created when a child experiences physical or emotional cruelty. There could be times when the
“care” they receive is life-threatening. Clearly, this poses a dilemma for the child, who rightfully feels the parent should be their
safety net. The only way a child can cope with the threat of verbal or physical abuse is to detach from the parent. As a result, they
have a negative view of both themselves and others. Most people want intimate relationships in their lives. However, when
someone has grown up in fear it is difficult to trust other people. An inner conflict exists in this person. The desire for intimacy is
often resisted based on their inability to trust or rely on others. They are often suspicious of others' intentions or actions, so they
push people away. This is why expressions of affection are not readily expressed.
Students always ask, “Can your attachment style change?” Yes, it can, for either better or worse. As you experience life and
relationships, you can change your attachment style. If you have a dismissive-avoidant style and meet a wonderful person who has
a secure attachment style, you can change over time as trust is built. Similarly, if you have a secure attachment style, and end up in
an abusive relationship, you can develop a fearful attachment style. Students also ask, “Can you have one attachment style with one
person, and a different one with someone else?” The answer is yes, but most of us tend to have one dominant attachment style.
The Self and Society

We have acknowledged that the self is not something created in isolation, by a person alone. But are there aspects of who we are
that are impacted by society more than others? One answer to this question might be an examination of social identity categories.
Social identity categories set the stage for meaningful life experiences that have cumulative effects. Interpersonal relationships
impact and are impacted by such social identity categories as race and ethnicity, gender and sexuality, and socioeconomics or class.
In order to understand selfhood, we must examine how societies have a part to play in forming identities. While there are a variety
of social identity categories, let’s examine these three.
Race and Ethnicity

It is not a well-known fact that each human being, no matter which racial category they might claim as their own, shares 99.9
percent of their genetic material. This means there are often more differences found between people of the same racial category
than there are between people of different racial categories. The Human Genome Project asserts that race is a social construct, not a
biological one (Bonham, n.d.). The American Anthropological Association agrees, stating that race is the product of “historical and
contemporary social, economic, educational, and political circumstances” (Executive Board of the American Anthropological
Association, 1998, May 17).
It would be an error, however, to argue there is no such thing as racial identity. Just because race is socially constructed does not
mean it is not real. Rather, race is a concept that is meaningful only through human meaning-making—that is, through
communication. We may talk about how someone living on Earth can stand still. But in reality, we are never actually standing still,
given that the Earth is rotating at about 1,000 miles per hour. Of course, the notion of “standing still” is still a useful distinction
when we communicate with others. The same can be said of race. While race is not a biologically accurate designation, it has real-
world impacts on social perception—in fact, those impacts are undeniable.
Racial identity is a multidimensional construct that includes the strength of one's identification with one's racial group, a sense of
attachment to other group members, and evaluation of group membership (e.g., how much the individual likes or dislikes being
White, for example), and may include group-relevant attitudes and behaviors (Broman, 2008, March 18, para. 1). Indeed, at
different times in history, the classification of race has shifted between race, ethnicity, culture, religion, geography, nationality, and
language.
President Barack Obama's comments on racial identity may help us to see the complexities of talking about racial identity:
I am the son of a black man from Kenya and a white woman from Kansas. I was raised with the help of a white grandfather
who survived a depression to serve in Patton’s army during World War II and a white grandmother who worked on a bomber
assembly line at Fort Leavenworth while he was overseas. I've gone to some of the best schools in America and lived in one
of the world’s poorest nations. I am married to a black American who carries within her the blood of slaves and slave owners
—an inheritance we pass on to our two precious daughters. I have brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, uncles, and cousins, of
every race and every hue, scattered across three continents, and for as long as I live, I will never forget that and no other
country on earth is my story even possible. (National Public Radio, 2008, March 18, para. 8)
The ways that individuals construct meanings around racial identity and its significance influence how one understands selfhood, as
well as interpersonal relationships. Therefore, it makes sense to explore the meanings we give race—if only to consider how we
want to grow, develop and unfold as a community.
A person’s sense of self may also be influenced by ethnic identity as well as race. Ethnic identity refers to traits that link to ancestry
and heritage. To talk of one’s ethnicity we typically include several dimensions:
(1) self-identification, (2) knowledge about the ethnic culture (traditions, customs, values, and behaviors), and (3) feelings
about belonging to a particular ethnic group. Ethnic identity often involves a shared sense of origin and history, which may
link ethnic groups to distant cultures in Asia, Europe, Latin America, or other locations. (Martin & Nakayama, 2004, p. 160).
While our discussion here is limited, we would be remiss if we did not suggest that social perceptions about race and ethnicity—
much like other social identities—can lead to prejudice and/or discrimination. When one considers the impacts of the social and
political history of slavery and segregation, for example, Black and indigenous people still experience systematic racism.
 Discussion: Impacts of Bias and Stereotypes on Identity Development and Self
“The Talk”: One Way Some Families Discuss Identity and Social Interaction
Depending on your identity, you will experience different social interactions from different perspectives. This can be especially
true when it comes to your racial identity. If you are racially categorized as a member of a dominant or minority group, you
may be stereotyped. (I define stereotype as a widely believed but generally fixed and oversimplified idea of a person or
thing.) As a result, you may experience different types of privilege or disprivilege.
Have you ever talked with your parents or other members of your family or community about your racial identity, and the
impact it could have on your interactions with other people? Why might certain people, with certain identities—racial or
otherwise (like gender or sexual orientation)—have had these conversations, while others might not?
Consider listening to the "Today Explained" podcast, linked below, which illustrates how two different families have talked
about police brutality in the United States shortly after the brutal killing of George Floyd in 2020. Mr. Floyd was a Black man
who died while a White male police officer held his knee on his neck for more than eight minutes. Most of that interaction was
caught on camera. As you listen to the podcast, consider the similarities and differences between the conversations.
Audio (24 minutes): Podcast: Today Explained, "The Talk"
Transcript: Podcast: Today Explained, “The Talk”
Questions for Journaling or Discussion

What identities were present in this podcast?
What did you notice about how the people in this episode discussed identity?
Have you ever had similar conversations?
Can you relate to any of the people involved in this story?
Jot down any other thoughts you have from listening to this podcast, esp. as they relate to terms you learned this chapter
and experiences you have had with identity, race, class, and communication.
Finally, racial identities, and how we talk about them, might ultimately be the best example of symbolic interactionism.
Researchers note that “52 percent of folks who self-categorize as nonwhite in the Census Bureau’s projections for America’s 2060
racial makeup will also think of themselves as white.” Another 40 percent of those who self-categorize as White “will also claim
minority racial identity” (Brooks, 2021, July 22, p. A-18). This means the distinctions between races and ethnic identities seem to
be blurring. In some ways, they are taking on different social meanings which complicate our very ways of thinking about these
classifications.
Gender and Sexuality

Concepts and definitions that refer to sexual orientation and gender identity are evolving. Many of the terms used in the past to
describe LGBTQIA+ people, for example, namely in the mental health field, are now considered to be outdated and offensive.
Because identity is such a sensitive area of personhood, the terms we use to describe it seem to shift year to year. This means we
must stay attuned to these changes, especially as interpersonal communication creates shifts in how identities are understood and
expressed.
The term gender identity was coined in the middle 1960s to describe one’s persistent inner sense of femininity, masculinity, a
unique blend of both, or neither. One’s gender identity may be the same as or different from the sex assigned at birth. Gender
fluidity describes a person who does not identify with a single fixed gender or has a fluid or unfixed gender identity. Transgender
identity is an umbrella term used to account for one whose gender identity does not correspond to one's birth sex (American
Psychological Association, Task Force on Gender Identity and Gender Variance (2009) para. 6; The Human Rights Campaign).
Figure 2.3.4 : Day 31 - Gender by David Wallace is licensed CC-BY 2.0
Alternatively, according to the American Psychological Association, “Sexual orientation refers to the sex of those to whom one is
romantically attracted” (American Psychological Association, 2012, para. 4). The terms "lesbian" and "gay" are used to refer to
people who experience attraction to members of the same sex, and the term "bisexual" describes people who experience attraction
to members of both sexes. It should be noted that, although these categories continue to be widely used, sexual orientation does not
always appear in such definable categories and, instead, occurs on a continuum, or in a more fluid way (ibid., para. 3). Although
social views of gender are shifting in the 21st century, it is still true that children are taught different ways of understanding
selfhood on the basis of gender identity and gender expression. We experience powerful communication messages that socialize us
by way of television, school, play, and family. By and large, we are taught how to be “masculine” or “feminine,” what those
categories mean, and the rewards or punishments we may experience if we violate the expectations aligned with them.
Socioeconomics or Class
Perhaps class identity is the least talked about of the three social categories mentioned in this section. Most people do not discuss
class, but it certainly plays an important part in how our selfhood develops. We send and read others’ communicative messages
about class in part through objects like high-priced automobiles, fashion, or food. If you think about the question “Where do you
live?” you recognize that part of the meaning of such a question can be related to where a person comes from—and this
information tells us a bit about the community of people that form the context for our development of self. To say you are from
Beverly Hills or Pacific Heights sends a very particular communicative cue. Beyond what types of objects you own or where you
live, we also judge an individual’s class identity upon the vocabulary a person uses when speaking, their use of slang, and even
linguistic accents.
Our celebrity culture encourages us to aspire to wealth as a key to happiness and self-realization. Counselors report that children
today, when asked what they want to be when they grow up, often simply answer, “rich.” Materialism and consumer culture are
celebrated in Western/American culture even while we admit that money can’t buy satisfaction. Popular films, television shows,
and social media posts often criticize the rich, but declare—albeit covertly—that the opportunities and lifestyles of those at the
upper end of the class hierarchy are still the most desirable. In short, we seem to get mixed messages about the value of class status,
even though most people aspire to be wealthy.
A number of signs point to the fact that our class hierarchy is becoming less flexible. The American Dream—the notion that hard
work and persistence will surely result in prosperity and plentitude—is attractive, but largely a myth when we examine the numbers
of people who move from poverty to the top echelons of wealth. In fact, the disparity in the United States between the top income
earners and those at the bottom, far from moving toward equalization, is presently increasing each year. Executive pay and the
wages earned by an average worker provide a snapshot of this condition. Chief executives of large corporations earn on average
320 times the amount of a typical employee, according to the Economic Policy Institute: “In 1989, that ratio was 61 to 1. From
1978 to 2019, compensation grew 14 percent for typical workers. It rose 1,167 percent for C.E.O.s” (Gelles, 2021, p. 24).
As our society moves toward a greater divide between those who are affluent and those who are not, the promise of opportunities
and protections for all—regardless of economic standing—can seem uncertain. In any case, wealth and income play a role in
shaping identity since they influence life experiences and thus attitudes and values.
Race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, and socioeconomic status all influence our sense of self and communication with others—and
certainly impact the context within which interpersonal relationships develop and thrive. These social categories also overlap and
are interrelated. The concept of intersectionality, coined by Kimberle Crenshaw, is key to recognizing how forms of inequality
that may accompany social identities can overlap, compound, and affect a person’s privilege or disprivilege (Crenshaw, 1995).
Crenshaw suggests that often when we view racism, for example, we may not realize how other social identities like gender or
sexuality can combine to create complicated webs of prejudice or discrimination. Stereotypes about LGBTQIA+ people, for
instance, may merge with those about working class or impoverished people. This “intersection” can multiply inequality—meaning
it can become a complicated matrix of prejudice or discrimination.
Intersectionality as a concept is also valuable as a tool to show us how an individual may be privileged by virtue of some social
identities but not by others. One may have high socioeconomic status, for example, and be able to afford to lobby for favors from
government officials in power. That same person, however, may also be transgender and experience discrimination while inhabiting
government institutions. As you can see, privilege and disprivilege do not always materialize in easily recognizable patterns.
Intersectionality demonstrates how social identities are complex and their meanings can often shift as social perspectives move,
evolve, and challenge the status quo.
This page titled 2.3: Forming the Self is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Karyl Kicenski &
Presentation of Self: Communication and Identity Management
So far, we have explained how communication plays a part in how the self develops. But how do we use communication to
influence how others view us? In his classic text, The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life (1959), Erving Goffman describes a
new way of thinking about how we attempt to form the self and simultaneously influence others’ perspectives of that self we
perform. This process is often called identity management, and it draws upon a dramaturgical approach. A dramaturgical
approach is one where we see life as a drama or stage play unfolding. Everyday life is not just an experience we individually
perceive and make sense of; rather, we collaborate with one another to act out a series of events as if we were characters in a story.
As Shakespeare declared: “All the world’s a stage,” and it is this notion that helps Goffman frame the concept of identity
management.
The idea of “single secret behavior,” from an episode of the cable television show Sex and the City, demonstrates how we may
think about self-presentation in a social setting. The made-up term was used in the show to describe behavior that’s private, what
we do when nobody is around, or what we would not do in front of other people. The character, Carrie, cited her compulsion to
stack saltine crackers with jelly while her friend Charlotte reported her tendency to stare at a magnifying mirror and examine her
pores. Clearly, it’s not necessary to be single to have private or secret behaviors, indeed, we all have private selves at each stage of
our lives. But as Goffman explains, our public selves and private selves must be managed as we navigate interpersonal
relationships.
In social situations, we rely upon a “script” that tells us what is expected in that situation. For example, we know what behavior is
expected at a funeral, on a first date, or inside a classroom. Goffman (1959) explains we have both a perceived self and a presenting
self. The term perceived self describes the person you believe yourself to be. When you reflect upon who you are, whether that
reflection is indeed objectively true or not, you conceive of your perceived self. This self is not typically shared with others, and it
contains some of your most private and intimate perceptions. If you have ever kept a journal, you may be able to observe how you
see yourself. It is interesting to reread old journal entries since often you can detect changes in your view of yourself over periods
of time.
Figure 2.4.1 : "Day 165: 2 Self Portraits" by Sodanie Chea is licensed CC-BY 2.0
On the other hand, the presenting self is that public self we perform for others. It is our representation of the self we want to
project to others, a self that typically conforms to approved social norms. When you go into a job interview, for example, you
cultivate a public image—a presenting self. Rarely do you show up in your slippers, without a shower, and use profanity.
The perceived self and the presenting self may help us to understand Goffman’s concepts of front stage vs. back stage. When we
think of a stage play, we see that there are at least two different locations for actors: out in front of the audience and back behind the
stage sets. Impression management occurs out in front of the “audience.” When we are in front of others whose impressions of us
are important, we may feel a greater pressure to manage our behaviors. This is what we might call being front stage. However,
according to Goffman (1959), the back stage is “where the performer can reliably expect that no member of the audience will
intrude” (ibid., p. 113). Thus, we are in the backstage area when we are away from others and don’t have to consider their
judgments.
One of our authors provides an example:
I can remember being in graduate school years ago and having my first teaching experience. After I taught class one day, I
went to the gym. As I was changing into my gym clothes in the women’s locker room, I turned to see one of my students,
who coincidentally I had been speaking with about an assignment that very day. As our eyes met, it was clear we were both
embarrassed. Why? Not only was our relationship at that time forged frontstage, and removing one’s clothes is a backstage
activity, but also our relationship of student–instructor signified a difference in power (since in my role I was responsible to
assign grades). While we ignored one another and pretended in class that the locker-room event never happened, I learned a
great deal about social roles and the differences between frontstage and backstage. Have you ever had an experience in which
these two clashed?
More often than not, within interpersonal interactions, we constantly construct face, which refers to the positive impression we
would like to make upon others. If we fail to maintain face—for example, if we make an embarrassing remark or act out in some
way—it may cause others to have a bad impression of us. Social anxiety derives from the fear of such an event. After all, we are
just humans who want to feel good about ourselves. However, to maintain face or repair some damage done to lost face we engage
in what Goffman calls facework. Facework describes the communicative behavior that we use, both verbal and nonverbal, to enact
and maintain our own presenting image or that of another. It is any work that one does in order to construct, or save face (Goffman,
1967). Although most of the time we are not aware we are doing facework, since it is such a familiar activity, we constantly
coordinate our identities with others to legitimize our version of self.
Insight into our desire to shape others’ views of who we are (even when this desire is unconscious) is helpful when we consider
that social interactions are the basis of successful interpersonal relationships. If others do not accept our social performances, we
are unable to coordinate with others to achieve our goals—even if those goals involve simply being liked. Perhaps more interesting
is that Goffman theorized that the process of impression management is actually a way we form and reform selfhood. By
interacting with others, we realize the roles we play for others—that is, we become those roles. When you go to your workplace
and perform your job, you recognize yourself as the working role you play in that social situation. Thus, from Goffman’s
perspective, your selfhood is born in and through performances with/for others.
 Discussion: Identity and Face Negotiation Theory
Have You Ever “Saved Face?”

Being in control of how we are perceived and feeling respected for our identities is crucial to our self-esteem and confidence.
So what happens when that self-assurance is threatened? For instance, what do we do when we are embarrassed? Or how
would you behave after you are caught in a lie? Typically we try to “save face,” in other words, as we learned earlier, we
perform facework. We communicate in a way that either explains the behavior or compensates for the behavior. According to
conflict face-negotiation theory (Ting-Toomey, 2004), a perspective that overlaps in many ways with identity management,
we are actually doing things every day to save face and attempting to manage how we, and others, are being perceived. The act
of saving face, or doing facework, might sound simple since essentially we are just trying to uphold our pride and ego—but it
often happens unconsciously, meaning we aren’t even fully aware we are doing it because it is so automatic and habitual.
However, depending on our identity and background, saving face can actually get quite complicated: we may feel pressure to
not only save our own face, but also to represent ourselves in a way that promotes a positive image for our entire culture or
community. There might be certain behaviors that are expected of you based on your identity within a culture, and as part of
facework, you may have to struggle to uphold those standards. Furthermore, if we consider our intersectionality (our multiple
overlapping identities) as we discussed earlier, we have to juggle a lot of potentially competing identities or stereotypes
associated with those identities, all at once!
For example, imagine someone who identifies as a woman and as Asian American. If she is on a women’s soccer team where
she does not have many Asian American teammates, she might feel more protective of her cultural identity since she is part of
a minority within this context. She would most likely perform facework to promote a positive image of Asian Americans.
Conversely, if she is on a soccer team that is co-ed (mixed gendered), but made up of mostly Asian American players, she
might perform facework to promote a positive self-image of women.
As you can see, the precise identities that we prioritize often depend upon the context within which we find ourselves. Our
choices are often fluid, unconscious, and quite subjective (after all, there is no right or wrong way to save face), which only
complicates how we perform facework.
Reflection
Can you think of a time when you behaved in a certain way to “save face?”
What parts of your identity were most prominent or salient at that time, and which were less significant or more muted at
that time? Why?
Presentation of Self: Communication in the Virtual World

We have already learned how impactful social comparison can be when we hold ourselves up to others in our lives. Today, we are
finding that social comparison is even more magnified in the virtual world. There is a fine line between social media and social
networking sites. Social media broadcasts, or relays content without a necessary interactive component, like YouTube. Social
networking sites (SNS) can be interactive so that users have the option to communicate directly with others, like Instagram,
Facebook, TikTok, and Snapchat, to name a few. With the increase in popularity across the globe, there is a greater tendency to
engage in social comparison as more personal information is disclosed on these sites. The use of social media and social
networking connects to our sense of self as we engage in social comparison through these sites. Social comparison relies on
having information about others readily available. All you have to do is open any of these apps to look at others’ posts. Recent
research suggests that the use of social media and social networking leads to a greater degree of social comparison and depression
(Nguyen, et al., 2020). Why do you thank that is?
Figure 2.4.2 : Social Media Addiction by Today Testing is licensed CC-BY-SA 4.0
Most of what we see online is idealistic, given that most people tend to post positive things about themselves, such as successes or
attractive photos. The “norms,” or “standards” for attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc., become the basis for social comparison.
It is not surprising that people who spend more time on these sites are more likely to agree that others have “better lives” and are
“happier” than themselves. Individuals’ self-perceptions and self-evaluations tend to suffer after being exposed to profiles of
attractive others on social media and social networking sites.
The way in which we engage online also impacts our self-esteem. Some people are passive users and simply read what others post,
whereas others are active users in that they post and interact with others. Individuals who are active users find their worth
primarily from feedback given to them by others, and this includes the number of “likes” and/or comments they receive. Upward
social comparison, (thinking that others are superior to you), is associated with decreased life satisfaction and other negative
feelings like envy and jealousy among SNS users. By disabling the “Like” feature, one might be able to avoid some of these
negative feelings. However, like many addictions, it is difficult for us to consider disabling this feature, since each time we see that
our post is liked, our brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is responsible, in part, for our moods. Why would we want to
give up the high that we get while actively using social networking sites?
According to Nguyen, et al., as cited in Casale and Banshi (2020), “Social media addiction (or problematic social media use)
classified into DSM V is a proposed form of psychological or behavioral dependence on social media platforms” (p. 257).
Meanwhile, mental disorders (or mental illnesses) are conditions that affect your thinking, feeling, mood, and behavior
(Medlineplus, 2020). It is hard for physicians to diagnose the disease if the addict does not report their problem. Young people and
students are considered to be most vulnerable to problematic internet use (Kuss et al., 2013; Kuss & Lopez-Fernandez, 2016;
Loannidis et al., 2018). A study in India showed that the rate of social media addiction was 36.9% among 1,389 social media users
who were pre-university college students (Ramesh et al., 2018). Furthermore, the problem of social media use in children and
young people is often associated with symptoms of mental disorder, for example, anxiety and depression (Hoge et al., 2017). In the
United States, approximately 25% of college students surveyed showed signs of depression when using Facebook (Moreno et al.,
2011). A 2013 survey from the American Psychological Association found that psychological problems were increasing among
college students, such as anxiety (41.6%), depression (36.4%), and relationship problems (35.8%) (American Psychological
Association, 2013).
We can also see how social media platforms and networking can lead to positive outcomes. Individuals who would normally not
interact with others due to social anxiety find their voice through social media. They will be more interactive and communicate
with others positively because they feel safer. In addition, social media can be used to promote a cause or event that is for the
betterment of society.
In short, findings on social media use suggest that first, symptoms of depression and anxiety are associated with excessive social
media use. Second, people who have a passive lifestyle are at a higher risk of depression. Third, excessive social media usage time
(over three hours a day), is a significant risk to users' anxiety and depression. Finally, social comparison habits are likely to cause
depression and psychological disorders because users often feel lost when others share positive experiences. Do you or people you
know use social media? Most likely, the answer is “yes.” Given the research discussed in the sidebar that follows, it is worth your
time to consider how social media may play a role in your self-concept and/or self-esteem. I am not advocating you simply cease
using electronic platforms; rather, I urge you to be mindful of the ways you use them, and how they impact your interpersonal
relationships.
 Explore: Social Media Use and Politics
A recent article by writer Brooke Auxier posits that “From global protests against racial injustice to the 2020 election, some
Americans who use social media are taking to these platforms to mobilize others and show their support for causes or issues.
But experiences and attitudes related to political activities on social media vary by race and ethnicity, age, and party, according
to a Pew Research Center survey of U.S. adults conducted June 16-22, 2020 (Auxier, 2020). Auxier further notes that
individuals use social media to post pictures in support of a cause, look up information about events like rallies or protests
nearby, or encourage others to take action. The data reveal significant differences between the use of social media based on
race, age, and political affiliation. For example, the Pew Research Center found that “Black users stand out: 48% of Black
social media users say they have posted a picture on social media to show their support for a cause in the past month, compared
with 37% of Hispanic users and 33% of white users. Black adults who use social media (45%) are also more likely than their
Hispanic (33%) or white (30%) counterparts to say that in the past month they’ve taken to social media to encourage others to
take action on issues that are important to them” (Auxier, 2020).
Reflection
Would you agree with these results based on your own experience with social media?
Try this: Read the rest of the Pew Research Center report on differences in age and political affiliation. Would you agree with
the data that are presented? How does this make you feel about your race, age, and political views? Is this one aspect of
yourself that you are particularly pleased with, or one that you might hope to change?
This page titled 2.4: Communicating the Self is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Karyl Kicenski
& Victoria Leonard (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Set Yourself Up to Succeed
We have examined a number of aspects of self throughout this chapter. But perhaps surprisingly, we cannot simply give you a
definitive set of instructions to alter your self-concept or improve your self-esteem. Often, the influences that shape us are precisely
those that prevent us from simply deciding we are going to think positively about ourselves and then enact that change. We are not
perfect, and to expect perfection leads us down a dangerous path. It may be more fruitful to become aware of how we often stand in
our own way when we truly desire change. Here we discuss ways we might set ourselves up to succeed when changing the self is
our goal.
Commit to Personal Growth with Small Steps

This guideline sounds like a no-brainer, but you might be surprised by how many of us believe we can simply alter our thoughts,
attitudes, and behaviors without resistance (both from ourselves and others). One important step, therefore, is to slow down and be
deliberate. As we discussed, the self-concept resists new ways of being—that is, we learn a “dance” of being who we are, and then
it becomes habitual. Thus, we need to be willing to take baby steps. That means if we truly want to make a change, we must focus
on one small aspect we want to transform, and then engage in a limited number of new practices at a time to bring about a change.
For example, when Marla was enrolled in a Communication Studies class at her local community college, she decided it was the
time in her life to try and manage her shyness. She set small communication goals for herself for the semester. First, she decided to
try and make one new friend in each of her classes. In order to do this, she sat next to someone friendly and introduced herself. Her
second goal was to raise her hand in class at least once a week to ask a question. As a result of her goals and simple action steps,
she not only made new friends, but she also developed a mentorship relationship with one of her professors. In short, what we do
need is to show ourselves grace and set small goals. If you do not set goals that you can reasonably accomplish, you are bound to
get discouraged and quit. It has taken you this many years to become the person you are, right? It’s wise not to expect that you can
transform overnight.
Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Oprah Winfrey once said we should surround ourselves only with those who will lift us higher. Although that may not always be
possible, her point is that we are greatly impacted by the people we interact with. Surrounding ourselves with good people who
support a positive version of our self-concept will help us develop a healthy sense of self. Perhaps Winfrey knew about the concept
of emotional contagion. It suggests that as people express their emotional states, others around them are likely to “catch” those
states (Goleman, 1995). In other words, emotions may be transferred from one person to another. This will be explored further in
Chapter 7. Such a finding has at least one implication for this chapter on self: the people you surround yourself with will impact
how you feel, and more importantly how you feel about yourself. If you live day-to-day near those who are negative, unsupportive,
criticize you, or create drama, you are bound to draw your perceptions—at least in part—from that negativity.
Our self-esteem as well as our ability to make changes in ourselves flourishes in an environment where we are nourished and may
sustain a sense of well-being. Working to create healthy relationships with others and then maintain those support systems is an
integral part of change. As you transform, you will see your relationships change. This is because of the fact that relationships are
interrelated systems: you cannot change one part of a system without causing changes in all other parts. An anonymous author once
noted, “When things change inside you, things change around you.” In fact, as you grow, you often tend to meet others that are on a
similar path, and you feel a kinship with one another. Simultaneously, as you feel more empowered and confident, other
relationships you’ve been in for a while may stagnate and feel like more work because you are not the same person you once were.
Since changing aspects of one’s self is helped by relationships that you can lean into, these shifts in who you feel close to only aid
the process. Keep in mind those who nurture you, give you the strength you need to stay positive, and motivate you to be your
greatest yet-to-be self.
Recognize the Subjective Nature of Self

If you have ever watched a movie with someone and the first thing you say after is “That was a great movie!” but the person you
watched it with said, “I hated it,” you will understand how everything we see is relative or subjective, meaning evaluated on the
basis of personal perspectives. What we may find attractive, you may not. Through the years of teaching Communication classes,
we have asked students to identify an attractive celebrity, and then we ask the rest of the class if they agree with these perceptions.
There has never been a time when everyone felt the same way about someone. This same dynamic is true about perceptions of
selfhood as well. We may view ourselves very differently than others do. In fact, we generally do not see ourselves the way others
see us, and at times, we may not even be able to judge ourselves accurately even though the truth of our behavior may be staring us
in the face.
For example, individuals sometimes view themselves more harshly than is warranted. There have been times when students have
remarked they do not want to turn their cameras on in a Zoom class session because they are self-conscious about how they look. In
fact, they look fabulous when we get the chance to interface with these same people privately later in the same session. On the
other hand, research shows that many people overestimate their own knowledge or capabilities in specific situations or fields of
expertise. The Dunning–Kruger effect (Schlösser, et al., 2013) is a cognitive bias wherein people are unaware of their own
deficiencies. A person might believe they are truly likable or socially appropriate, for instance, when in fact they are offensive or
off-putting. It is not that we are all unable to evaluate our abilities or behaviors, but rather our conclusions are highly dependent
upon the context within which we judge ourselves.
 Challenge: Try This
Make a list of ten adjectives you believe describe you. Then, ask someone you feel close to, to write their own list. How close
are the words you each selected? Do the adjectives on the list you received from another have items on it that surprised you?
Why, or why not? What does a comparison of your two lists reveal to you?
Recognize that the Self-Concept Resists Change

It may sound counterintuitive to say that the self-concept resists change when our aim is to change. As humans, change is hard even
when we know it is good for us! If you went through the COVID-19 pandemic spending a lot of time on your sofa, this will
resonate with you. An APA Stress in America survey conducted in late February 2021 found that a little less than half of all adults
reported undesired weight gain since the start of the pandemic (APA, 2021). The stress brought on by being isolated, bored,
depressed, or anxious led to an abundance of eating. Wouldn’t it be wise then to begin eating healthfully if you are one of the
people in the United States who gained weight during the pandemic? It would seem to be a simple decision to get off of the sofa
and just change. But change is not easy, and there is a part of us that just likes the “comfortable sofas” we have in our lives. In
short, the self is a construct that is obstinate: like a rubber band, it may be pulled or stretched into different shapes, but it typically
will return to its original form. This means that to truly transform our behavior or shift an attitude, we have to recognize our own
resistance to change. Furthermore, the challenges of changing yourself can be compounded in an interpersonal relationship.
Relationships create their own patterns and habits that may be hard to break free from, especially when they are in sync with
someone else. We may face our own resistance to change, but we also often experience resistance from others unless they are also
interested in making a shift.
The term cognitive conservatism has been coined to account for the way we tend to seek out and notice information that conforms
to our existing self-concept. Does that surprise you? Studies reveal that our own self-concept is incredibly biased! If we believe a
given political viewpoint and that perspective is a part of our self-concept, we are often more inclined to notice a bumper sticker on
a car that represents that view or even seek out radio broadcasts featuring commentators who espouse our views. It is perhaps even
more worrying, however, that algorithms operating on social media platforms use our own cognitive conservatism to keep us glued
to those platforms. The longer we stay, the more data they can collect and sell to aid in marketing and advertising.
Be Mindful of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

One challenge to changing the self can be found in the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy, introduced by the sociologist Robert
Merton. The phenomenon suggests that our own expectations—and also those that others may place upon us—can shift our
behaviors. When such a shift occurs, expectations we entertained may actually come to be. As Merton put it, a “false definition …
evoking a new behavior…” can cause an “originally false conception [to] come true” (Merton, 1948, p. 193).
There are generally four phases of a self-fulfilling prophecy. First, we form an expectation, often without even knowing we have
done so. Second, we behave in ways that align with that expectation. Third, we experience the expectation we formed as coming to
fruition. Finally, the original expectation we held is strengthened or reinforced. One of our authors shares their own example:
My experience with my brother several years ago is a telling example. I believed my brother was not interested in having a
close relationship with me (Phase 1). I, therefore, avoided calling him or reaching out in any tangible way. I figured, “Well,
he is simply busy with his own life and I guess that’s the way it is.” I neglected to invite closeness with him; I behaved as if
he did not want to know me or was unconcerned with my well-being (Phase 2). In a year or so our relationship had not only
become more distant (Phase 3), but I also became even more sure that my original belief about his disinterest in me was true
(Phase 4). Later, I found out he was experiencing some truly difficult health issues and was unable to communicate to me
about these. I was completely wrong in my assumptions—but I sure believed them with gusto! It is noteworthy that I
believed the distance between me and my brother was simply something happening to me, and yet I was the impetus. My
expectation about my brother’s intentions, in my mind, were proven true until I realized I had misperceived the situation.
Others’ expectations may also lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. “The term Pygmalion effect refers broadly to the effects of
interpersonal expectations, that is, the finding that what one person expects of another can come to serve as a self-fulfilling
prophecy” (Rosenthal, 2010). Here is another personal example:
I was an average student throughout my education. As a child, I had some negative feedback from teachers. It peaked one
day in a high school Chemistry class when I raised my hand and asked a question. My teacher’s response was “That was a
stupid question, Victoria, and you won’t succeed in chemistry if you don’t know that answer.” I went to the Counseling office
and begged to be put in a more remedial class. I knew I would never succeed in science. However, upon finishing graduate
school I wanted to go into pharmaceutical sales where one needs to have a strong understanding of all sciences. I was hired,
went into training, and my mentors told me I was doing brilliantly. I ended up completing training as the highest-scoring
trainee for the company. I went on to become a successful pharmaceutical rep, and to this day I remember much of what I
learned.
Your mind is a complicated tool that, according to Higgens (1989), influences your self-esteem in ways you may be unaware of. In
fact, most of us are unsure of the roots of self-esteem and how to effectively build it in our own selves or our children. The self-
discrepancy theory suggests that we use specific standards to understand our own worth—even though these standards, or “self-
guides,” as he named them, may not be accurate potentialities of what we can or even should become. There are two basic types of
standards: the ideal self and the ought self.
The ideal self is a standard related to physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual hopes or wishes a person may have. This is the self
you dream about becoming. For instance, you may envision yourself as a talented pianist in the future and hope that you may have
what it takes to be famous and well-known for your musical talent. The achievement of this vision would be the standard from
which you measure your self-worth. The ought self is the person the outside world might expect from you. This is the self one feels
obligated to become to meet others’ expectations; it may also include social norms or cultural standards. An example of an ought
self may stem from what your mother, father, or even boss believes you should be. Perhaps your mother or father believes you
should be married or be more involved in family life; your supervisor thinks you need to work harder or be more ambitious.
In short, these standards affect how you may judge yourself. Unsurprisingly, when you meet the standards, Higgins (1989) argues
that you experience positive feelings, and you are elated or relieved; when you do not, you experience negative feelings like
irritation, guilt, and even depression. In fact, Strauman (1992) found that individuals who suffered from depression were much
more likely to perceive themselves as further away from their ideal self. Those who reported higher levels of anxiety seemed to
believe they were not meeting the standards of their ought self. The point to understand is that our self-esteem can be altered by
ideal and ought self discrepancies. Nonetheless, research shows our sense of self is affected by such variables. In our quest to
become better versions of ourselves, we need to become aware of the ideals we treasure and ask ourselves: Is this goal practical?
Am I putting undue pressure upon myself?
Similarly, we must be clear about how other people have an effect on our perceived obligations. An autonomous person must make
their own independent choices, recognize when these stray from what’s reasonable, and ultimately be responsible to continue
learning and growing.
Beware of Distorted Patterns of Thinking
Figure 2.5.1 : "Distorted / undistorted" by Carlos ZGZ is licensed CC BY 2.0
All of us have habits or patterns of thinking that may derail our ability to change. These often are so ingrained in us that we do not
even notice when the debilitating ideas that we hold sabotage healthy behaviors. Often these patterns are like a broken record we
listen to constantly, but forget it’s even playing. Someone once told me, “You do not need to add anything to yourself to improve,
you simply need to release that which is not serving you anymore.” This means our real challenge is to let go of distorted
viewpoints as opposed to adding new knowledge. If this is true, being watchful of how you think and feel may be one of the most
powerful tools for making changes in yourself. But how do we do this? One way is to become a witness to your own thoughts and
feelings. Slow down and simply become present enough to observe what is going on in your mind and body. You are not trying to
change anything in this process, you simply watch calmly with no judgment. There is plenty of time for evaluation later! For the
time being, become still, watch, listen, and feel. Pretend you are sitting upon your own shoulder and noticing the events as they
unfold moment to moment. You may want to write down some of your self-talk as you are learning to witness. Self-talk is what
you silently say to yourself as you experience everyday life; this talk may be positive or negative. Many scholars suggest it
accounts for our thinking process (Galanis et al., 2016). At any time, you can tune in to this small voice in your head. What does it
say? Is it giving you positive messages? Negative feedback?
We have found by engaging in this process that we uncover a lot of taken-for-granted perspectives that cause trouble in
interpersonal relationships—not to mention our own self-concept. One of our authors provides this example:
Once I was in a debate with a friend about which action movies were the best: those which created a character that was more
“human” or those that emphasized a character’s survival and fight to win at any cost. As we continued that argument, it
began to feel more personal—I wanted to prove my point. I noticed how I was getting annoyed and even attacking my friend.
I felt triggered! Noticing this, I went into “witness” mode. What was I doing? Why was I so heated about this silly and
ultimately meaningless argument? I could see that I was invested not in an exchange of ideas, but in a battle to triumph over
my friend. Did it really matter if either of our ideas were right? The more important thing was our friendship, of course. My
ability to step back from the actual interaction and watch my thoughts and feelings aided me in becoming aware of the truth
in the situation. From this, I learned about my own distorted thinking. Unless we are able to notice our own thoughts, we
cannot change them. Witnessing is one step to starting this process!
 Challenge: Try This
Take one whole day to simply be a witness to your thoughts, feelings (both physical and emotional), and others’ reactions to
you. Do not judge! Just be interested and curious about what you observe and how you react. Write down any reflections you
have. Pay attention to thoughts or reactions that trigger you. Do you notice any debilitative reactions that interfere with
effective communication? Is there a commonality to the moments you experience anger, sadness, or fear?
2.5: Changing the Self is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Summary
Understanding what the self is, and how it is formed, is integral to recognizing who you are today—and who you may become
tomorrow. We have suggested that selfhood is not only a product of your own thoughts, but also constructed through
communication with others. In this chapter we have explained how aspects of self are interconnected, and that self-concept is
integrally tied to self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-efficacy. We all engage in a never-ending process of building the self through
interactions with family, friends, teachers, and others while responding to social and political forces alive in each historical era.
We learned that social identities impact our sense of self: a person’s race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, and class shift communication
patterns, perceptions, and interpersonal relationships in particular.
Additionally, we know now that relationships become tricky when individuals play roles such as uppers, downers, and/or
vultures. Our sense of self-worth, impression management, and especially the way we see the world around us is linked to those
with whom we communicate. This is why surrounding yourself with people who have healthy communication skills and positive
self-esteem is so important. The interactions that we participate in literally produce and reproduce the people we become,
whether in face-to-face or in virtual settings.
Because of this fact, we discussed different guidelines to aid you in transforming the self. We invite you to take stock of who you
are and make shifts as you become your best “you.” Such a road is not always easy, but it may be the most satisfying work any of
us do.
If you think back to the beginning of this chapter, we described the overwhelming number of results that a Google search for the
term “self-help,” produces. Understanding the self is more than reading affirmations on wall art to improve self-esteem, of course.
Our hope is that you now see such an endeavor cannot simply be answered by a simple search. Rather, it takes investment, self-
reflection, and strength.
1. What is the difference between self-awareness, self-concept, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, and how do you feel about each of
these important aspects of self after having read this chapter?
2. Who are some of the uppers, downers, or vultures in your life and how have they impacted your identity?
3. What elements of your own selfhood have been affected by reflected appraisal or social comparison? Has social media had any
impact on this process for you or others you may know?
4. Which of the strategies for changing the self resonate with you in particular? Do you believe one is more difficult to accomplish
than others? Which one? Why?
This page titled 2.6: Summary and Review is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Karyl Kicenski &
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2.6: Summary and Review by Karyl Kicenski, Victoria Leonard is licensed CC BY 4.0.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
3: Perception and Communication

Explain the perception process and how it influences interpersonal relationships.
Discuss the factors, including psychological tendencies that affect how we perceive others and impact our interactions.
Identify both implicit and personal biases in your perception, and use strategies to separate observable facts from
assumptions, in order to mitigate stereotyping.

3.8: References
This page titled 3: Perception and Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Hilary
Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
The Vignette: Making Assumptions
Imagine that you've sign up for a dating app at the recommendation of your best friend. You are excited to meet like-minded
individuals, whom you hope to start a romantic relationship with. After scrolling through multiple “matches,” you land on someone
who catches your eye. You notice their profile picture was taken at the beach, which you also love. You notice the career they list is
one that has a six-digit income. From your perspective, the location they list is in a highly desirable area—and their hobbies and
interests (for example, skiing, sailing, and international travel) require access to cash and free time.
Figure 3.1.1 : Binary Heart by Alexander Sinn on Unsplash
1. What assumptions did you make regarding the “match” in the dating app?
2. What cultural norms or expectations did you notice in this person’s perception?
3. Can you name any stereotypes that you may have, based on the assumptions that you made in this vignette?
We make assumptions about people we have never met every day. Since we will not have the opportunity to get to know most of
these individuals, we will never find out if our assumptions are accurate. There are many factors that go into how we interpret the
world and the people we encounter. In this chapter, we will discuss the process of how we form perceptions, the factors that
influence our perceptions, and how we can challenge ourselves to question our first impressions of others.
None of us enjoy it when others make assumptions about us, simply based on appearance—yet we are hardwired to be efficient in
our lives, which sometimes involves taking shortcuts and making educated guesses about new people and situations. As you read
through the chapter, we hope that you will take notice of factors in your own life that affect how you perceive others. Furthermore,
we encourage you to engage in a process of perception checking, or questioning your assumptions of others, on a regular basis.
This page titled 3.1: Introduction to Perception and Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Hilary Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Basic Components of the Perception Process
The perception process has three stages: selection, organization, and interpretation (Knudsen, et al., 2021). As shown in Figure
3.2.1, the perception process is both cognitive and psychological. It can influence how we communicate with ourselves and
others. Look at any number of objects around you. What you choose to focus on, how you would describe it, and finally what you
think about that object is unique to you. In this section, we walk you through some of the basic components of the perception
process. The goal here is to gain a better understanding of how our perceptions are formed, giving us some unique insights into
how those impact our interpersonal relationships.
Figure 3.2.1 : The Perception Process by Alex Mata licensed as CC-BY 4.0
Figure 3.2.1 shows a continuous interaction of the three stages of the perception process. Selection influences organization;
organization influences interpretation; interpretation goes back into selection; then the process starts over again.
Selection
The first step in the perception process is selection. To build a foundation for selection, we must first attend to the senses. On any
given day, our senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell) are bombarded with stimuli. Because we cannot respond to them all,
we will choose what to pay attention to and when. This process is called sensory selection. Sensory selection is a process for
determining which stimulus gets our attention. This often occurs subconsciously and with little effort on our behalf (Knudsen, et
al. 2021). So in our very busy lives, how do we choose? Let’s dive deeper to see how the selection process is influenced by
salience, needs, interests, and expectations to shape our perceptions.
Salience
Salience is a key component of understanding how and why we pay attention to. Salience is defined as anything that attracts our
attention (Perception Process, 2020). Based on context, anything from an object, an idea, a quote, a concept, or a particular person
can be salient to us. For example, say you are looking at the Instagram feed of your local news organization. There is a story about
the rise in college tuition. As a current college student, you would likely stop and read that article. However, your friend, a recent
college graduate, may not even take note of the headline. The post is not inherently more important than anything else on your
feed. The importance lies in the salience to you, the viewer. With so much information at our fingertips, our brains will pick and
choose, or select, the information we pay attention to and what to ignore. This will directly impact our unique perceptions. Let’s
look at some influences that make stimuli salient.
Needs
Our basic needs often drive our perception. If you are hungry, you will mostly see opportunities to eat. You might notice restaurant
fronts, hear ads for takeout on the radio, or see a person eating an ice cream cone walking down the street. You are selecting (most
likely unconsciously) stimuli related to your basic need of hunger. Now let’s consider needs as they relate to relationships.
According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow, 1943), humans have a need for love and belongingness. In times when we
might feel lonely or isolated, we may be especially in tune to the nonverbal cues of our friends or significant other. Or we might
take special note of someone in class who goes above and beyond to give us special attention and care. These cues may not be
relevant to those around us, but at times when this need is triggered, we may select to note the actions of others that may otherwise
seem mundane.
Let’s consider how we could use our understanding of needs in the selection process to communicate with our loved ones more
effectively. Take for example that we are feeling particularly disconnected from a friend. Because our perception of what is
happening is based on our own needs at that time, our perception may not match up with our friend's perception of the situation. As
an example, imagine a friend in a hurry to get to work, but doing their best to be kind and communicative. This friend may not
notice that because they are in a hurry, their communication seems terse or abrupt. Should you communicate to that friend that you
are feeling especially lonely or isolated? Communicating our needs and perceptions of the situation with each other is a positive
step. If your friend knows you feel unsure or concerned about the relationship, perhaps they will take extra care to check in with
you or make an effort to not be so short on replies via text. Effective communication means that instead of jumping to conclusions,
we recognize our needs, identify what would help fulfill them, and then use interpersonal communication. This will help to avoid
hurt feelings, and instead go towards building maintaining a healthy relationship. Other influences on our perceptions include our
interests and expectations.
 Checking In: Basic Needs
Let’s take a moment to check in with ourselves as we read this chapter.
Figure 3.2.2a : Eating ice Cream by Megan Bucknall on

Unsplash Figure 3.2.2b : Asleep on books by Matheus Farias on
Unsplash
How Are You Feeling?

If you are tired, hungry, busy, stressed, or distracted, you may be having a hard time focusing on this chapter. If you are calm,
warm, comfortable, and focused, you may have a better time tuning in with our concepts.
Take a moment to scan your senses. Is there anything you could do at this moment to alter your state for a favorable outcome:
the ability to enjoy and understand learning about the perception process as you read more?
Expectations
Perhaps one of the most powerful and truly impactful aspects of selection is expectations. Expectations can be seen as a two-sided
coin. On one hand, we pay attention to those things we think should happen, and on the other hand, we pay attention to things that
violate our expectations.
Figure 3.2.3 : Selfie by June Aye on Unsplash
Let’s look at an example of how we select to pay attention to what should not have happened. Say you get up earlier than normal
one day just to send your significant other a quick “I love you, have a great day” message before they head to work. You don’t hear
back. Hours go by. When your inbox is still empty, you are on high alert. There was nothing to signal the silence, no fight or
argument the day before that would warrant no response, so it is unexpected. You jump on social media and they’re tagged in a
video with a friend, laughing and singing. Now you know they are OK, and apparently in good spirits, so this lack of response is
even more unexpected. You begin to feel angry, anxious, hurt, and confused. You start to pay attention to things you would have
otherwise found mundane: the time the video was posted, who else is around, what your significant other is wearing, etc. You
decide to leave an angry comment on the social media post. Your significant other calls you, clearly upset by your post. You learn
in your conversation that they not only left their phone at home in a rush to make it to work on time but weren't expecting to hear
from you until after their shift, per your normal routine. You realize that your anger is not necessarily based on objective facts, but
on your perception of what your partner should have done.
The trick is learning how to separate our expectations from our reality. Can we objectively measure anything, really? Our
perceptions influence our reality, not the other way around. Therefore, the goal is not to void ourselves of past experiences, but to
be aware of how our needs, interests, and expectations shape our perceptions.
Organization
Now that we understand how we select which stimuli to pay attention to, let’s look at how we organize that information. How we
understand this process of organization comes from gestalt theory. Gestalt is German for “pattern” or “shape,” and the theory
asserts that we essentially process stimuli by blending external stimuli with internal processes (Rock & Palmer, 1990). In essence,
how we perceive the external world is heavily determined by internal influences. To break this down further, we will look at how
we organize stimuli based on the three most common factors: similarity, difference, and proximity (Coren, 1980).
Assumed Similarity and Difference
When we believe or sense that someone is similar to us, we are more likely to be attracted to them as friends and give them the
benefit of the doubt. The opposite is also true: if we find someone to be different from us, we will distance ourselves. It would be
very hard to start this section off by not blatantly acknowledging that assumed similarities and differences often stem from
stereotypes. So let me start with why we might stereotype in the first place: To put it simply, because it is easy. As we mentioned
earlier, we are bombarded by stimuli on a daily basis. To be efficient—which many of us know is not always advantageous—we
may stereotype because of its appeal to simplicity.
Stereotypes have been described in psychology as “allowing easier and more efficient processing of information” (Hilton & Hippel,
1996, p. 240). Our brains are trained, from early childhood on, to function in this way. Whether it’s learning about animals, shapes,
colors, or letters, we are taught to group similar-looking objects together as a means of understanding our environment. Through
repetition of such activities, our perceptions based on similarities and differences are formed, reinforced, and encouraged. Although
stereotyping can serve as a path of least resistance, we know that it can also create barriers for our ability to create healthy
relationships with others. Now that we understand why we may stereotype subconsciously, and how that can be dangerous, let us
continue to build these assumed realities.
Proximity
Proximity refers to how we perceive one object based on its surroundings. So, as we go about our day, we do not see objects,
situations, or scenarios as isolated, but in context to the surroundings. This concept has been highlighted in the figure-ground
relationship, which argues that our focus, whether it be on the object or the background, will change our perception (Knudsen, et
al., 2021). This is highlighted in the classic faces/vase image displayed in Figure (\PageIndex{4}\). Depending on whether you
focus on the black or white portions of the image, this determines which figure becomes prominent. Try for yourself. Do you see
different the vase or the profiles?
Figure 3.2.4 : Profiles/face by Bryan Derksen licensed CC0 1.0

Let’s add a layer here, building on our past key terms: salience and selection. Let’s say that you see a couple on a busy commercial
street arguing, perhaps screaming. You may look at them and think, "wow, that is strange." You may attribute their behaviors to
many factors, but you continue to drive, as you do not know the individuals or the situation. Now, let’s say you turn onto your
street, get very close to your home, and see two people arguing, perhaps screaming. This is very close to where you live. These
people could be your neighbors. You now feel that, because of the proximity of this confrontation to your home, it is more salient.
You may also select to pay close attention to the two people arguing; you may even decide to take action, such as stepping in or
calling the police, because you may organize the event as a threat to you and your family’s safety. The situation is the same, but the
surroundings of the people in conflict have changed, thus making your perception of the situation different.
Before we leave this section on proximity, let’s acknowledge how commonly we, and others, use proximity to organize the
intentions of those around us. Have you ever been out with a friend to have someone assume you were together, or on a date? Or if
you encounter the scene in Figure 3.2.5, where one child stands over another, who is on the ground and crying, could there be an
assumption that one child hit or caused the other to be upset? Based on proximity, your physical immediacy to another person,
object, or location could lead to false perceptions about you and others. Perhaps these perceptions are harmless, but they can cause
significant harm to one or more parties involved, particularly when it comes to how we manage our relationships with others.
Asking questions and consistently examining our biases as we move through the world can help us avoid making assumptions.
Figure 3.2.5 : Young boy crying on the floor. Photo by yang miao on Unsplash
Primacy and Recency Effects

It has frequently been said that you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Social psychologists use the term
primacy effect to describe the phenomenon that people weigh what they see/learn first more heavily, seeing it as more salient than
what comes later. To understand this further, let’s put the primacy effect into context with studies by Solomon Asch (1946) and
Edward Jones (1968).
Asch (1946) conducted a study that asked participants to share their overall impression of a person based on a list of characteristics
that he read off. All participants were given the same set of characteristics: intelligent, critical, impulsive, industrious, stubborn,
envious. However, the order in which the characteristics were listed was changed. Asch's findings led him to conclude that when
the list of characteristics started with the more positive traits, the participants were more likely to rate a person more positively.
Conversely, when the negative characteristics were shared first, the overall impression was negative. In a related study by Jones
(1968), participants were asked to watch one of two videotapes of a woman taking an intelligence test. Reading these studies, you
might think that first is always best. The answer is much more complicated than that.
To demonstrate just how complex the human mind is, in some cases, the information that comes last is influential. Recency effect,
though less common than primacy effect, explains the phenomenon that people give more weight to the last thing they see or hear.
In a study by Wändi Bruine de Bruin (2005), higher marks were given to competitors who performed last in particular competitions
(ice skating was one). So the question remains, what is best? As you might have guessed based on the theme of this chapter: it
depends.
Now that we have a foundation for how influential similarities and differences, proximity, and primacy and recency can be in how
we organize stimuli, let’s take a deeper dive into how we might interpret our perceptions.
This page titled 3.2: Perception Process—Parts 1 and 2 (Selection and Organization) is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored,
remixed, and/or curated by Hilary Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Interpretation
The third stage of our perception process is interpretation. To close this loop, let us take a moment to review the perception
process (Figure 3.3.1).
Figure 3.3.1 : Perception Process by Alex Mata licensed as CC-BY 4.0

Once we have selected what to pay attention to, we organize it into a preconceived pattern or category, and then we interpret its
meaning. This is essentially the outcome of our perceptions. Though all the stages in this process are important, this last stage will
serve as the tangible consequence of this process. We can also note here that, as we have learned so far about perceptions, our brain
is essentially trying to make sense of the world around us. One way to maintain simplicity is to confirm what we already think we
know. Changing our minds can be challenging, painful, and/or complicated. Therefore, we will start with confirmation bias.
Confirmation Bias
Confirmation bias is our tendency to attend to evidence that supports preconceived notions while ignoring or disregarding
evidence that is contrary to our desired reality (Gray, 2010). This can make it challenging for us to see things as they really
are; instead, we see things as we are.
 Interpretation: An Interpersonal Example
Let’s say you hear a rumor that your best friend, who is married, is having an affair. You know your friend. He is a great guy, a
loving husband, and a devoted father. You dismiss the rumor. Of course, you could see why it seems like he might be texting
more or missing regularly scheduled get-togethers, and yes, he seems to be a bit distant. But you know your friend has been
very busy. A mutual friend then shows you a picture on a social media platform that seems to be your best friend and a person
other than his spouse. You respond with denial and even get angry at others who ask you to talk to him, or approach him about
it. Your friend would never engage in an affair. You start to look for cues to confirm your stance. He did say work was picking
up; he is probably dealing with a lot of emails and meetings related to that. He tells you he has a friend from college in town
and you find comfort in believing that is probably who is in the picture with him on social media.
In this scenario, your interpretation might be viewed as noble or loyal—but in other scenarios, you may be confirming biases
that are harmful or inaccurate, like stereotypes, preconceived opinions, or assumptions.
Figure 3.3.2 : Man Kissing a Woman by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
As we move through this stage of the perception process, let’s continue to consider confirmation bias, noting its power to reinforce
our preconceived notions, while at the same time avoiding anything that would challenge those. Let us continue to be aware of our
brain’s desire to be right, even at the cost of disregarding facts.
So let us dive into the most prominent facet of interpretation: making attributions.
Attributions
Attribution is defined as “the interpretive process by which people make judgments about the causes of their own behavior and the
behavior of others” (Heider, 1958, para. 3). When we engage in interpersonal communication, how we interpret messages directly
influences the quality of the interaction as well as the relationship. In this section, we explore the psychological tendencies
associated with perception and how they affect our communication interactions.
Fundamental Attribution Error
Fundamental attribution error is the tendency to attribute others' behavior to internal, rather than external, factors (Ross, 1977).
For example, Sam is in a hurry to get to work on time and accidently blocks wheelchair access to a sidewalk when they park. When
Sam gets to their car after a long shift, they see a ticket. Their initial reaction is “Those parking jerks have nothing better to do than
to give me a ticket. They love ruining people’s day!” Now, let’s break this down. Sam is attributing the parking enforcement
officer's action (writing a ticket) to their desire to ruin someone’s day and has labeled this officer as a jerk. There is no
acknowledgement of a parking violation, the hurry to make it to work on time, or the possible inconvenience to others. We could
continue and consider that the officer, while noting the violation, labeled Sam as selfish and not a law-abiding citizen. Say that a
person in a wheelchair was unable to access the sidewalk and thought of Sam as a person who is uncaring of those with physical
limitations. These attributions happen quickly, and they attribute a person's behavior to who that person is, rather than to external
factors. Some of these assumptions—or all of them—could be true. However, we can see how miscommunication and conflict
could arise quite quickly if we used attributions as the basis for our interactions with others.
Self-Serving Bias
Have you ever been driving on the freeway when your lane suddenly merges with another and you hear a loud honk? Whoa, that
car came from out of nowhere! “Geeze,” you think. “Calm down, everyone is fine.” You may find yourself feeling overwhelmingly
frustrated that someone got so upset when you didn’t see them in your mirrors. Later that day, you are driving and someone cuts
you off. You honk loudly and think, “Pay attention to the road, you idiot!” The hypocrisy of the situation is most likely sinking in
already.
Self-serving bias is essentially an attribution process that we engage in to portray ourselves in the most desirable light. Although
research shows that we do this almost effortlessly for ourselves, we do not offer those same grace so easily to others.
Figure 3.3.3 : Driver Looking In Rearview Window by Joshua Wordel on Unsplash
So how does self-serving bias work, exactly? We can start by understanding where we likely place blame for undesirable behavior.
Research shows us that when we are the perpetrators of undesirable behavior, we will likely place blame on external attributions
(we are tired, it was an accident, it happened because someone does not like us). Conversely, when we are the victims of
undesirable behavior, we place blame on the internal attributions of others (that is their character, they are inconsiderate, they did it
on purpose). This was illustrated in research by Baumeister, Stillwell, and Wotman (1990), in which participants were asked to
describe an experience when they angered someone else (i.e., when they were the perpetrator of an undesirable behavior) and then
asked to describe an experience where someone angered them (i.e., when they were a victim of the undesirable behavior). As you
might imagine, participants were quick to identify situational factors, and external attributions, as the source of their own
undesirable behavior, asserting that their actions caused no lasting harm to the other. However, when describing the undesirable
behavior of another, in which they were a victim, participants often cited character flaws and internal attributions, and noted the
lasting damage of the interaction. These findings are quite significant if put into the context of the harm that attribution biases can
have on interpersonal relationships. A good reminder here can be to check perceptions, acknowledge biases, and extend some grace
to those we interact with.
Halo and Horn Effects

We have learned so far that our brains are wired to conserve energy and opt for simplicity. We also learned that initial interactions
(first impressions) hold strong and for a long time. So, what happens when our first perceptions of someone are positive? What
happens when they are negative? These initial perceptions stay with us for quite some time. In fact, this occurrence is so prominent
that researchers have coined the terms halo and horn effects to identify them as interpersonal communication phenomena. The
halo effect occurs when initial positive perceptions lead us to view later interactions as positive (Hargie, 2011). The horn effect
occurs when initial negative perceptions lead us to view later interactions as negative (Hargie, 2011). Just as the metaphor suggests,
you can imagine these initial interactions as creating mini halos or horns above those around you, guiding your interpretations of
subsequent interactions (discussed in the section on the primacy and regency effects on page 3.2).
Halo Effect
Let’s say your sister wants the family to meet her new boyfriend, Damien. Your mom hosts at her house, and all your immediate
family is in attendance. Your sister and Damien show up right on time. Damien brings flowers for your mom a bottle of wine to
share and immediately asks if he should remove his shoes because they are wet from the rain outside. He introduces himself to
everyone in the room and offers to help cook and set up for dinner. Damien has earned himself a halo.
The next time you meet Damien, he and your sister are running late. "This is so unlike Damien," you think to yourself. They must
have gotten stuck in traffic. Damien gives you a big hug and you think, “He is so friendly.” However, for much of the night,
Damien is on his phone. That halo will have you thinking he must be busy with work, or you may feel bad that he seems distracted
by something else. You think you know who Damien is, based on your initial interaction with him; therefore, any negative
interactions after that are attributed to external factors.
Figure 3.3.4 : Woman Holding a Cow's Skull in Front of Face by Mallory Johndrow on Unsplash.
Horn Effect
If we flip the script, you could imagine another introduction where your sister and Damien show up late for dinner at your mom’s
house. Damien is more reserved or shy with introductions, and perhaps he walks into the house wearing wet shoes. He does not
bring anything to contribute to dinner and he certainly does not offer to help. In this scenario, perhaps Damien has earned a horn.
In any subsequent meetings, that initial introduction guides your perceptions of Damien’s behavior. Say Damien offers you a hug.
You might find this “out of character,” even though you have only met him once. While he is on his phone at dinner, you reconfirm
that he is distant, introverted, and not particularly interested in interacting.
You can see how the initial interaction shapes how you perceive future interactions with someone new. Though you may have
many subsequent interactions, research shows us that it takes some time to shake that halo or horn (Hargie, 2011).
Understanding how perceptions are formed can be a very powerful tool in helping us navigate our interpersonal relationships.
Acknowledging our tendencies to make snap judgments might help us pause and reassess how accurate those judgments are.
This page titled 3.3: Perception Process - Part 3 (Interpretation) is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated
by Hilary Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
How Physiology and Culture Influence Perception
There are many factors that influence how we perceive others. Our own health and physiology, the culture or cultures we are raised
within, the social/professional roles we take on, our cognitions, and the physical and environmental surroundings are just some of
the circumstances that affect how we see, hear, feel, and react to other people. In this section, we focus on how physiology and
culture influence our perception.
Physiology
Our health or physical well-being, in a given moment, influences our perception of others we come into contact with. When we are
healthy or feel generally good, we have more patience, we can listen effectively, and we can process complex information.
However, when pain, hunger, breathing issues, or stress are present, our bodies are compromised. Have you had to go back to work
or school after getting a vaccination or having work done on your teeth? Even a small bit of pain can be distracting. Physical hurt
and discomfort may negatively affect our ability to focus and pay attention (Gong, et al., 2019). Additionally, an inverse
relationship between pain and executive function seems to indicate that our judgment and decision-making are not at their best
when our bodies experience discomfort or suffering (Abeare, et al., 2010). These physiological effects go beyond pain.
Culture
For the purposes of this online educational resource, culture is defined as a group of people who share values, beliefs, norms, and a
common language. Due to this shared way of thinking and behaving, people from the same culture often share similar perspectives
on the world. Although we are likely to associate culture with a specific country or part of the world (for example, Western vs.
Eastern culture), even within a specific country, there are often smaller groups of like-minded individuals that develop into co-
cultures. Co-cultures may be a group of people from a specific religious or ethnic group. Other examples of co-cultures include the
LGBTQIA+ community, those who subscribe to a specific political affiliation, or even community college students. Marginalized
groups often form co-cultures, as this allows people to maintain strong bonds and unique shared experiences with which to build
relationships within a larger cultural context. (The term co-culture replaced the formerly used term subculture, in order to
emphasize that no one culture is superior or inferior to another.)
Figure 3.4.1 : Final Dance at Pamplona City Hall by San Fermin Pamplona - Navarra on Unsplash
Our cultural groups or cultural identities shape our perceptions of others. This includes the groups we belong to or are assigned to
based on our race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, and ability. Most of us are steeped in the teachings of the cultural groups that we
belong to from a very young age. Paraphrasing Bonn (2015), children gradually learn to make sense of their existence in the world
through ideas about identity and what purposes their lives serve; they depend upon the symbols that hold society together. For
example, CODA is a term that hearing children of deaf adults have chosen to represent the “unique heritage and multicultural
identities of adult hearing individuals with deaf parents” (CODA International, 2022).
We know that a strong cultural identity correlates positively with self-esteem (Phinney, et al., 1997; Bracey, et al., 2004). So it
follows that people in the same cultural groups or with the same cultural identities would benefit from the link they share to beliefs
and values. It is important for us to name some of these cultural groups and consider how membership might impact perception.
Race
Race refers to a category of people who may share certain inherited physical characteristics, such as skin color, facial features, and
stature. Although race is a social construct, people often make assumptions about others that are based on their perceived racial
category. When was the last time you were asked to self-identify your race? Chances are that you have filled out an online form or
answered this question recently. When you open a credit card account, fill out a form at your doctor’s office, or even sign up for a
social media account, you are generally asked about your race. How does our perception of our own and others racial identities
affect communication?
This is obviously a complex subject and not something that can be adequately explained in a few paragraphs. In fact, the University
of Connecticut offers a semester-long course called “People of Color and Interpersonal Communication” to address a greater
number of issues and situations than is possible in this short section. For now, it is important to state that our perception of our own
race, as well our perception of the racial identity of the person we interact with, influences the quality and outcomes of the
interaction.
 Pros and Cons of Racial Categories
According to the 2020 US Census, the largest shift in how Americans self-identified in terms of race was the increase in people
who self-identify as “more than one racial category” from 2.9% (9 million people) in 2010 to 10.2% (33.8 million people) in
2020 (Jones, et al., 2021, August 12). Although we have complex understandings of our own multiple identities, this does not
protect us from other people’s quick perceptions. In real-life situations, we are sized up very quickly by those we meet for the
first time. They look at our facial features, skin color, and clothing; and they listen to how we speak. Then they decide which
racial category we belong to.
Comedian Trevor Noah, in a February 2016 show he did for Comedy Central, talked about opening his first bank account in
the United States. Trevor Noah was born in South Africa, during the era of apartheid. He is the child of an Black African
mother and a White European father. When he sat down with the banker, he recalled the woman who helped him to open his
account stating that he could “just go with whatever race you want.” He said that when he told the woman that he was going to
choose White, it was obvious she had no idea what to do but was clearly having trouble accepting that choice. (You may watch
the two-minute video clip on Comedy Central.)
Figure 3.4.2 : Child With Mom by Tyson on Unsplash

We do not have a choice when other people categorize us into racial categories. Please use the following questions to reflect
and discuss your thoughts on racial categories and how they affect us.
1. Discuss the pros and cons of using racial categories in your own life. How do you think we, as the United States, should
move forward regarding race as a label?
2. When you are asked to state your race, what feelings come up for you?
3. Perhaps you identify with more than one racial background or the race you identify with is questioned by others. How can
we effectively communicate our self-identified race or cultural group(s) to others?
4. Has anyone ever misidentified your cultural background or race? How did you react to this?
5. How can we communicate most effectively to give individuals the right to self-identify their cultural background?
Ethnicity/Regionalism
Where we are from, and the people we are surrounded by as we develop from infancy to adulthood, impact the way we see the
world and thus how we engage in interpersonal relationships. Often the terms race and ethnicity are used interchangeably
(SAMHSA, 2014). At other times, ethnic groups are identified by a shared heritage. In other words, ethnicity refers to people with
the same country of origin. Of course, many ethic groups speak a common language and practice shared behavioral norms,
meaning they also share culture.
Regionalism refers to geographic areas made up of multiple states, communities, or countries that work in concert or have
common goals (Nye, 1968). Within the United States, you might be familiar with the regions such as the South, Midwest, or New
England. Whether we are talking about what ethnic group or region someone is from, we know that our perceptions are influenced
by our families, communities, in some cases religious institutions, and even by the language that we speak.
For example, if Chiara grows up in Italy, she likely speaks Italian and practices Catholicism, and she may consider spaghetti and
meatballs to be a staple of her diet. She may encounter Rajit from India, who practices Sikhism and is vegetarian. Due to Chiara’s
ethnic group and her upbringing, particularly if she is from a homogenous region, her perception of Rajit will be of someone who is
outside of her group and she will recognize their differences. This is in contrast to when she meets Carlo (another Italian from her
region), and notices their similarities.
Sex Assigned at Birth, and Gender

In the United States, a gender binary perspective has been imposed as a norm for the majority of the population since the
country’s founding. Within the gender binary perspective, not only are there only two possibilities for gender expression (male and
female), there are also very set characteristics (often opposing) for each gender. Here are some examples you may be familiar with:
Females are assumed to have long hair, whereas males are assumed to have short hair; males are strong and females are weak;
females are emotional and males are unemotional. It may be obvious to you that these exaggerated differences between genders are
stereotypes and often untrue. However, these societal assumptions guide our perceptions of others, as well as our interpersonal
interactions.
Figure 3.4.3 : Two Students in a Gender Neutral Bathroom by Zackary Drucker licensed as CC BY NC ND 4.0
When you see a baby dressed in pink, do you automatically assume the baby is female? If a baby is crying, would you treat that
baby differently, based solely on your assumption of their gender? Many research studies have found that parents interact
differently with a baby based on whether they perceive the baby to be a boy or a girl. From the amount of touch to the quality of the
caretaker’s voice and how the caretaker demonstrates affection are influenced by the caretaker’s perception of the baby’s gender
(Fausto-Sterling, 2015). These differences in how we talk with and treat people based on our perception of their sex or gender
continues into adulthood.
Sexualities
There are many different sexualities, and none is more “normal” or “abnormal” than any other. We live in a heteronormative
culture, where through politics and social pressure, heterosexuality is viewed as the “norm.” Unfortunately, having a perspective
where one sexuality is seen as the norm leads to discrimination of people who identify and/or practice other sexualities. In terms of
interpersonal communication, let’s consider how this discrimination affects real-world interaction.
In 1993, the Clinton administration signed the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Department of Defense directive, which stipulated that
anyone, regardless of sexuality, had a right to serve in the military—so long as they did not disclose their sexuality. However, this
was not exactly true. Anyone who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or otherwise queer would be discharged from military service
if they openly discussed their relationships, while people in heterosexual relationships were free to discuss dating, partnerships, and
thoughts about sex. “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” was repealed in 2010, after 17 years, but discrimination still limits safe and free speech
for LGBTQIA+ community members in the military.
In more positive news, limits on interpersonal interactions based on sexuality have seen some progress. In 2015, the Supreme Court
of the United States (in Obergefell v. Hodges, reaching a 5–4 decision) found that the right to marry is a fundamental right,
regardless of the sex or gender identity of the two partners. This decision, along with changing and more accepting attitudes in
younger generations, has resulted in an increase of Americans who openly identify as queer (or anything outside of straight and
cisgender). In fact, in 2020 15.9% or one in six 18–23 year olds (Generation Z) self-identified as other than straight. For these
young adults, it is easier to self-identify as queer and speak freely regarding their sexualities, as there is less stigma and
discrimination among others in their generation. Discrimination still exists, however, as evidenced by Florida House Bill 1557,
which became effective in July 1, 2022. Also known as “Don’t Say Gay,” this legislation limits discussion of sexuality in
elementary schools.
Abilities
 Quote
"Inclusion is about willingness to take a unique difference and develop it as a gift to others. It is not about disability." — Judith
Snow
One in four (26%) adults in the United States live with a disability (Okoro, et al., 2018). Despite how commonplace disability is
among US citizens, discrimination against people with disabilities occurs regularly. Able-bodied people may see a person who uses
a wheelchair and imagine how difficult or terrible it would be to not be able to walk. For a person with a physical disability, using a
wheelchair may equate to freedom of movement.
There is a strong international disability movement that recognizes “disability” is actually created by environmental barriers, as
opposed to any person's physical issues. For example, someone who is deaf communicates as well or better with sign language than
with the spoken word. The limits on this person’s communication are due to a lack of people who use sign language or a skilled
translator. In healthcare, to determine pain level, many hospitals and doctors offices use a number of measures, including a number
scale and the Facial Action Coding System (Kripke, 2018). However there is still work to be done to improve communication with
neurodiverse patients, who may have different interpretations of facial expressions (Dildine & Atlas, 2019).
 Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (2020)
The documentary Crip Camp features teenagers who participate in a summer camp (Camp Jened) for disabled adolescents, and
it looks into their futures as adult advocates for accessibility and disability rights. Perhaps you watched this documentary, or
the movie CODA. (The acronym CODA stands for "child of deaf adults.") Each of these Oscar-nominated films features
people living with disabilities who lead multifaceted lives, speak and act with power and leadership, and look at disability as a
culture or community. In both of these films, we see disability as one aspect of identity, and how intersectionality—the
different parts of our identities, including race, gender, age, sexuality, ability, etc.—plays a role in power, privilege, and the
way we are treated and function in our everyday lives.
Figure 3.4.4 : CampJened by Steve Honigsbaum licensed as CC BY-ND-NC 2.0
Coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw (1991), intersectionality sees the various human identities as connected, shaped by, and
influenced by one another. What this means is that as multifaceted human beings, we experience these multiple aspects of our
human identity concurrently. Please read the following questions to consider, reflect and discuss your own experiences with the
disability community.
1. Are you someone who lives with a disability? Or do you have a friend or relative who lives with a disability? Please discuss
how other people’s perceptions of disability may be different from people who live with disabilities.
2. How can we be more mindful and aware of the intersectionality of other people’s identities in our everyday perception of
others?
3. The creators of the film Crip Camp chose this title. Discuss how using terminology that may be perceived as offensive by
some, acts as a way of taking power when it is used by a marginalized group.
4. Please take a moment to read this blog on disability-affected speech by disability advocate Denise Sherer Jacobson. How
can each of us work to eliminate barriers to inclusivity for people with disability-affected speech?
5. Movies like Crip Camp and CODA provide a way to increase inclusivity and representation of people with disabilities on a
wider scale. What are other ways that each of us can increase inclusivity and representation for people with disabilities?
References:
Introduction to Women, Gender, Sexuality Studies by Miliann Kang, Donovan Lessard, Laura Heston, Sonny Nordmarken is
licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License, except where otherwise noted.
Social Cognitive Abilities

Cognition or thinking processes are in some ways interwoven with the perception process. Here we focus specifically on social
cognitive abilities. “Social cognition is a set of cognitive processes applied to the recognition, understanding, accurate processing,
and effective use of social cues in real-world situations” (Harvey & Penn, 2010). If our ability to engage in social cognition is
impaired, this inevitably affects our power to perceive others and the situation. When we are physically and mentally unimpaired,
we have a full range of experiences and sensory feelers that help us to determine who is safe, what is going on, and how we fit into
a potential interaction. However, when our senses are diminished or damaged, or our cognitive abilities are functioning at less than
100%, our internal radar is negatively affected.
 Face Blindness
Figure 3.4.5 : Who Are You? by Afif Kusuma on Unsplash

Known in the medical literature as prosopagnosia, people who have face blindness have difficulty recognizing the face of
another person and connecting that with a name or personality. A neurotypical individual recognizes approximately 5,000
different faces (Jenkins, et al., 2018). “Accurate and rapid recognition of a face is critical for social [interaction] because it
allows one to gauge behavior, intent, and appropriate social response, based on previous experiences” (Avery, et al., 2016).
Without the ability to connect a name to a face of someone familiar, people with face blindness must depend on other cues,
including hair, voice, height, and dress. Receiving or recognizing a diagnosis of face blindness can be very helpful for those
who live with it. Shelly Beaser, an individual with face blindness, stated that she previously thought she was a “lazy observer,”
until her condition was named (Altman, 2021).
Age
Perception is both physical and psychological. Let’s start with how physical perception is affected by age. Very few children (two
to three of every 1000) are born with detectable hearing loss (CDC, 2010). However, as we age and are exposed to environmental
factors such as loud noises at work (airport workers, for example) or self-select to listen to music at a high volume using earbuds,
more of us will experience auditory declines. Approximately 15% of adults in the United States experience some hearing loss
(Blackwell, et al., 2014). As we age, the percentage of people who experience hearing loss increases, with the highest rate of
hearing loss occurring over age 60 (Hoffman, et al., 2016).
Hearing is not the only sense that declines with aging and helps us with our ability to perceive the world. Many people also
experience a decline in their ability to see. Although many people use corrective lenses to improve their vision (even at a young
age), non-correctable visual impairment increases with age, with the highest rates occurring over age 60. With hearing and/or
vision issues, it becomes more difficult to get an accurate perception of other people, the environment, and our physical
surroundings.
Figure 3.4.6 : Lima market by Juan Arrondodo licensed as CC BY NC 4.0

Beyond the physical issues that occur with aging and perception, there are also cognitive or psychological elements. Processing
speed and memory decline with age (Salthouse, 2010). However, it is said that as people get older, they also exhibit wisdom. The
definition of "wisdom" varies widely, but most often it is associated with the ability to carefully consider information in the context
of experience, as well as making decisions based on knowledge, as opposed to instinct. If we consider the integration of life
experience and increased interpersonal communication skills that come with aging, it may well be that there are some cognitive
advantages to aging that contribute to perception.
Obviously, regardless of the statistics on physical or cognitive abilities or loss and their association with a specific age range, there
is individual variation. In other words, it is more likely that a 20 year old will have better vision and hearing than a 55 or 70 year
old. However, a 20-year-old marine veteran may have damaged hearing from exposure to gunfire and loud jet engines.
Attributions
Intersectionality by Miliann Kang, M., Lessard, D., Heston, L., and Nordmarken, S. in Introduction to Women, Gender, Sexuality
Studies licensed as CC BY 4.0
This page titled 3.4: Influences on Perception is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Hilary Altman &
Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Stereotyping
Stereotyping is the opposite of seeing a person as an individual. There are many reasons that humans may depend on stereotyping:
We engage in hundreds (sometimes thousands) of interpersonal interactions in a given day and need to be efficient; humans are
wired for survival, and quick judgments upon first meeting others are meant to protect us from those who may be dangerous;
humans register basic information about others’ faces in milliseconds after first meeting them (Willis & Todorov, 2006). Perhaps it
is only natural for humans to make judgments about these faces (and the people who wear them), given our natural tendency to
scan and inspect new visual information.
No matter the reason, humans seem to have a natural propensity to stereotype others upon first meeting them. Stereotyping
involves seeing someone primarily as a member of a group as opposed to an individual, and assuming that the person shares all
social, cultural, and behavioral traits with others in that group. In this section we explore both the processes involved in
stereotyping and the effects.
Schemas and Scripts

If you think about the human brain like a computer, you can imagine that information storage is an important part of the brain’s
function. On a computer, there are file folders, within which we can store relevant files. In the human brain, scientists posit that
there is a similar situation. Schemas are like file folders or categories, where relevant memories, experience, and knowledge about
a specific subject area are stored. For example, you might have a schema for Thanksgiving. Within the schema, you might have
memories of air travel, eating turkey, gathering with relatives, Uncle James drinking a little too much, laughter, cranberry sauce,
and pumpkin pie. Any time one of these memories is triggered by a new stimulus (e.g., a television commercial showing a large
family gathering), your “Thanksgiving” schema will be triggered. You may incorporate new information into this schema or, based
on how well this new information “fits in” with what is already included, decide that it does not belong.
Scripts (also called event schemata) are sequences of events related to a specific schema. Most people have a script for taking an
elevator. A typical elevator script might go something like this:
1. I press the elevator button and wait.
2. The elevator door opens.
3. I step into the elevator, then turn around to face the elevator door.
4. I do not engage in conversation with others on the elevator.
5. When the elevator reaches my floor, the door opens and I exit.
We like when actual events follow our scripts (or expectations of how the event will go); humans become uncomfortable when any
part of the script is violated. For example, let’s say one day you wait for the elevator, but when you step inside, everyone else is
facing away from the door. In this case, it would be confusing to know whether you should follow what the others in the elevator
are doing or whether you should face the door as you always do.
Figure 3.5.1 : Going Up! by Clyde Robinson licensed as CC BY 2.0
Microaggressions
Remember back to Section 3.4 in this chapter, where we discussed how race, gender, age, sexuality, and ability affect perception?
In the United States, and in many other societies, there is a social structure that provides power and access to some people—based
on race, gender, age, sexuality, and ability—while denying access and power to others. The word power here implies the processes
of privileging, normalizing, and valuing certain identities over others. This definition of power highlights the ways in which culture
works in the creation and privileging of certain categories of people. Power in US society is organized along the axes of gender,
race, class, sexuality, ability, age, nation, and religious identities. Some identities are more highly valued, or more normalized, than
others—typically because they are contrasted to identities thought to be less valuable or less “normal.” Thus, identities are not only
descriptors of individuals, but also grant a certain amount of collective access to the institutions of social life. It is important to
understand that some people have more or less power than others in our society, due to their race, gender, age, sexuality, ethnicity,
religion, or ability.
Figure 3.5.2 : Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash.
A microaggression is a statement or action that is made by a person with more power and privilege and delivered to a person who
has less power and privilege. For example, an able-bodied interviewer might say to an interviewee using a wheelchair: “I’m
impressed that you got here on time.” Notice that the statement itself may not seem offensive at all. According to Derald Wing Sue,
who coined the term, microaggressions are “brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether
intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative slights and insults. ... Perpetrators of
microaggressions are often unaware that they engage in such communication” (Sue, et al., 2007) The statement “I’m impressed that
you got here on time” carries the implication that due to using a wheelchair, the interviewee may have more difficulty navigating
the travel from home to the office where the interview is held. Although this may be the case, the wheelchair user may hear the
message that the interviewer has low expectations of their performance, before they have even had an opportunity to discuss the job
itself.
It may not be obvious when you deliver a microaggression. However, if someone lets you know they felt diminished or harmed by
a statement that you have made, this is an opportunity to apologize and move forward. Our first reaction to being told we have
made a microaggression may be defensiveness. This is especially true given that microaggressions may be unintentional and
ambiguous. However, taking responsibility and apologizing for a microaggression allows both people who participated in the
interaction to heal their relationship. Here are three steps to apologize for a microaggression:
1. Take responsibility. If you need more information about how your statement or action negatively impacted the other person, it’s
OK to ask. Allow the other person to clearly explain their perspective—and take it seriously.
2. Apologize with sincerity and acknowledge how the microaggression may have impacted the other person. For example: “I’m
sorry that my statement made you feel I don’t value or respect you.”
3. Let the other person know you want to repair the relationship and move forward. Working through a microaggression can feel
awkward and embarrassing for both parties. A simple statement can be helpful to let the other person know you want to move
forward: “I appreciate that you were honest with me about how my statement negatively impacted you. Please let me know, in
the future, if I cross any lines or say something insensitive or disrespectful.”
 Reflection Questions
1. What microaggressions do you experience in your day-to-day interactions with your friends, classmates, fellow employees,
teachers, managers, family members, etc.?
2. Reflecting back, what microaggressions have you verbally or nonverbally expressed toward others?
3. Have you ever clutched your purse, bag, or wallet when a person of a specific race, gender, nationality, or age walks by
you?
4. What are ways you can combat microaggressions using communication?
5. How can you challenge your own microaggressions?
Stereotype Threat
“Stereotype threat is being at risk of confirming, as self-characteristic, a negative stereotype about one's group.” Coined by
researchers Steele and Aronson (1995), the term stereotype threat refers to the effects that negative stereotypes have on the people
who are members of specific groups. The original study (conducted with Stanford University undergraduates) looked at how
Black and White students scored on an exam in two different scenarios. In Scenario 1, the students were told that the exam would
rate their intellectual ability. In Scenario 2, students were instead told that the exam was a “laboratory problem-solving task” and
not diagnostic of intellectual ability. To further distance participants from having the negative stereotype triggered in Scenario 2,
participants were asked to “please take this challenge seriously even though we will not be evaluating your ability.”
The results of the study clearly demonstrated the negative effects of stereotype threat. When presented with Scenario 1, where
students were told intellectual ability was being measured, Black students scored significantly lower than White students. However,
with Scenario 2, which used the same exact test, but indicated the exam was a way to measure problem-solving (not intellectual
ability), there was not a significant difference in test scores by race. Although stereotype threat is not 100% responsible for testing
variability between students who identify with different racial backgrounds, it does partially explain why people from groups that
society places negative stereotypes on often underperform on tests that measure academic aptitude (Sackett, et al., 2004).
 Listen to this Podcast on Stereotype Threat
Figure 3.5.3 : Stereotype Threat by Yasin Yusuf on Unsplash

This podcast from Hidden Brain Media talks about how the stereotypes we hold impact every part of our lives, from parent–
teacher conferences to workplace interviews, all the way to romantic relationships. Please listen to the podcast linked below, or
read the transcript that appears on the podcast's web page.
Podcast: How They See Us | Hidden Brain Media
Now, use the Reflection Questions to have an immersive small group, classroom, or discussion board conversation.
1. The podcast begins with a story that describes when Claude Steele (the person being interviewed) first realized that he, as a
Black person, was treated differently. Think about your various human identities: gender, socio-economic status, race,
sexuality, nationality, ability, education, kin, etc. Discuss a time when you were treated differently, due to one of your
human identities. You may have been treated better, worse, differently, etc. What happened and what did you experience?
2. Thinking of college and academia, what types of stereotypes are highlighted through the course content, assignments,
lectures, and readings, etc.
3. What ways could college and universities be more inclusive and break away from stereotypes?
4. Did any of the stories and information within the Podcast resonate with you? Could you relate to any of the stories? How
has the Podcast adjusted your understanding of perception?
Reducing the Effects of Stereotype Threat

Importantly, stereotype threat occurs not only across racial identity, but also with gender, sexuality, age, disability, and even
ethnicity and religion. Recently, there has been more research devoted to strategies for reducing the effects of stereotype threat in
academic settings. Beyond removing terms that trigger the stereotype, empirically validated research suggests that the following is
helpful:
Emphasize the value of diversity (Purdie-Vaughns, et al., 2008).
Improve minority representation, especially when there's underrepresentation in that specific field (Carrell et al., 2010; Dee,
2004; Massey & Fischer, 2005).
Highlight that classroom tests are for the purpose of facilitating learning, as opposed to measuring ability (Good et al., 2008;
Spencer et al., 1999; Steele & Aronson, 1995).
Make students aware of stereotype threat and work with them to attribute the anxiety brought on by this social-psychological
condition to the stereotype threat itself, rather than other internal factors (Johns, et al., 2005; Johns, et al., 2008).
Implicit Bias and Discrimination

Human beings value a sense of belonging. We enjoy being members of a group, where we are treated with respect and kindness. At
times, people become attached to their group in such a way that they believe the group they belong to is better than other groups. If
you think about it, this is pretty normal in some scenarios. For example, if you play on a baseball team, you and your teammates
may talk about your team members’ talents, while dismissing the players on the other team. In this scenario, you can see how this
would boost team morale. Unfortunately, in the real world, this type of thinking often goes beyond cognitive considerations or
conversations. People may exhibit bias, or “attitudes, behaviors, and actions that are prejudiced in favor of or against one person or
group compared to another” in how they treat others, when those others come from a different group (US Department of Health and
Human Services, n.d.).
Bias can be explicit, meaning the people who hold these attitudes are conscious that they have these beliefs. However, bias can also
be implicit. Implicit bias occurs when people favor one group over another, in thoughts and actions, however, they are unaware that
this bias exists. Bias often occurs in societies where there is a majority group that is more powerful than a less powerful cultural
minority group. When the group who has power uses laws, rules, or actions to hurt, diminish quality of life, or take power away
from a group who lacks power, this is called discrimination. The United States has a long history of discriminating against Black
and Brown people. Beginning in 1619, the United States kidnapped, sold, and enslaved people from Africa. Slavery, which
included horrific traumas such as rape, separation of families, erasure of family history, and murder, was legal until the
Emancipation Proclamation issued by President Abraham Lincoln on January 1, 1863. Slavery continued in some parts of Texas
through June 19, 1865, or Juneteenth, when Federal troops ensured that any remaining enslaved people in Galveston, Texas were
set free. Juneteenth was declared a federal holiday in 2021.
This page titled 3.5: Stereotyping, Microaggressions, and Bias is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Hilary Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Perception Checking
Due to all of the influences on our perceptions, from physical and cognitive differences to membership in cultural groups, if we are
going to practice effective communication it is essential for us to use strategies that decrease the inevitable biases each of us have.
Perception checking involves taking extra time and effort to examine a situation from multiple perspectives, with the goal of
increased understanding between two parties.
Subjectivity vs. Objectivity

Assumptions are subjective opinions. When something is subjective, according to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, that means it
is “1. taking place or existing only within the mind. Or 2. particular to a specific person and thus intrinsically inaccessible to the
experience or observation of others” (American Psychological Association, n.d.a). This is as opposed to objective observations,
which involve facts or items “having verifiable existence in the external world, independently of any opinion or judgment”
(American Psychological Association, n.d.c).
Let’s imagine that Fernanda and Tran are assigned to be lab partners in Chemistry. It is the first day of class. Both partners identify
as female, high-achieving students, and both are sophomores at the same college. Fernanda, a Mexican American student, stayed
up late the night before, supporting her roommate through a very difficult time. As a result, she did not get much sleep and came
into class wearing the sweatpants and T-shirt she put on for bed. Tran, who identifies as Vietnamese American, went to sleep early
and got up at 6:00 a.m. to exercise, then showered, put on makeup, and dressed in a business casual outfit, because she has an
interview for an internship later in the afternoon.
Although both Fernanda and Tran have a lot in common, in terms of their gender identity and excellent work ethic to meet their
goal of succeeding in school, they are likely to make some wrong first impressions of each other, based solely on physical
characteristics like clothing/dress or cultural identity/ethnicity. Tran may see Fernanda dressed in wrinkled sweatpants and a T-shirt
and believe that she is not a serious student. She may therefore be disappointed in having her as a Chemistry lab partner. Fernanda
may see Tran’s makeup and business casual outfit as a sign that her lab partner is stuck up or thinks she is too good for anyone else.
undefined
Figure 3.6.1 : Conversation on a Couch Photo by Surface on Unsplash

Distinguish Facts from Non-Facts
In order to distinguish facts (or objective data) from non-facts, we can follow these steps:
1. Determine the facts or observable information. In this case, the facts include: Fernanda is dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt
that are wrinkled. Tran is dressed in a business casual outfit and is wearing makeup. Notice that these facts are listed without
any interpretation or personal feelings associated with them.
2. Identify your emotions and mental/physical state and assess whether how you are feeling influences your interpretation of the
situation. In this case, Fernanda might recognize that she is exhausted and not at her cognitive best due to lack of sleep.
Similarly, Tran may be able to identify the fear of failure that tends to lurk deep in the back of her mind and how that fear is
driving her disapproval of her new lab partner
3. Use interpersonal communication to have a conversation or ask questions and confirm or refute any ideas you are not sure
about. For example, Fernanda might say to Tran: “Wow! You are dressed for success today.” In this case, Tran may explain that
she has an interview coming up.
Monitor Self-Serving Bias

When checking your own perceptions, it is important to pay attention to your internal biases. Self-serving bias is “the tendency to
interpret events in a way that assigns credit for success to oneself but denies one’s responsibility for failure, which is blamed on
external factors” (American Psychological Association, n.d.b). For example, let’s say Aiesha does not study for her first Biology
quiz, yet she gets a perfect score. In this example, if Aiesha gives herself credit for getting 100% on that Biology quiz, even though
she has not studied, she would be attributing her success to internal factors—perhaps her knowledge of biology or her innate ability
in the sciences. Now let’s take this same example, but change one thing: this time, Aiesha (who still has not studied for the exam)
gets a “D.” If she is influenced by self-serving bias, Aiesha will attribute her bad grade to something outside of herself. For
example, she may blame the teacher for giving an unfair quiz or for not reminding the class to study the day before.
A person walking outside, with a backpack on and holding books, listening to
headphones.
Figure 3.6.2 : Student Walking With Books by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

Although self-serving bias is common in many cultures worldwide, some people are more likely to fall prey to this tendency than
others. According to a meta-analysis of 266 different studies of self-serving bias, the likelihood that a person would apply this bias
depends on age, home country, and mental health (Mezulis, et al., 2004). Children and older adults were more likely than
adolescents and young adults to demonstrate a self-serving bias. People in Asian countries displayed a much lower propensity for
self-serving bias than Americans. Understanding that many Asian cultures are collectivist or value the goals of the larger group
over personal needs may help explain this difference. Finally, subjects with depression and anxiety had lower rates of self-serving
bias than the general population. One of the symptoms of depression, according to the current Diagnostic Statistical Manual is
“feelings of worthlessness” (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). We know that people with low self-esteem are more likely
to underrate their abilities (Davis, et al., 2006), and this in turn could affect self-serving bias.
Avoid Mind Reading

While trying to form an objective and fair perception of another person, we must be aware of, and work to avoid, mind reading. It
is easy to jump to conclusions about what another person’s motivations are or to assume what they are thinking. We must be
mindful that it is impossible to know what another person is thinking or feeling, simply by guessing from their words and facial
expression. Practicing effective listening and asking questions can help us to clarify other people’s thought processes and
intentions. A saying that captures this sentiment appears on inspirational websites and memes (with a variety of wording and not
attributed to a specific author): “You never know what another person is going through. Be kind. Always.”
Verbal/Nonverbal Communication Skills

As you will learn in Chapter 4, effective communication skills are attained over time and with practice. Continuing to sharpen our
verbal skills is one way to help us avoid misunderstandings.
Checking In
A great way to ensure we keep our perceptions in check is to engage in perception-checking strategies. Instead of assuming we
know what others are thinking and feeling, we can learn to ask them. Imagine a scenario where you wrongly assume the feelings
and thoughts of another, and base your entire interaction with them on this perception, only to learn that you were wrong. Aside
from possibly damaging your relationship, you have also wasted time and energy on a misperception. To avoid these kinds of
missteps, we can ask questions. Phrases like, “I wonder” or “I have noticed” can help us open up dialogue to check in with others.
Imagine you start a challenging conversation with “I wonder if you are upset with me” or “I have noticed that you have been quiet
today. Could something be bothering you?” When we ask questions, we can show others that we truly care and are interested in
understanding how they feel (Brookfield & Preskill, 2005). Asking questions could also allow us to move towards a solution more
quickly, convey more compassion, and be better listeners. Perception checking can take on many forms. One of the most basic
starting points is a three-step process, outlined in the chart below.
Three Steps for Engaging in Perception Checking
Step Description Example
Describe the behavior or situation without

evaluating or judging it.
"I noticed you have been unusually quiet this
1 Perception checks include “I” language and a
evening."
clearly stated observation or fact: “I heard you
mention ____."
Think of some possible interpretations of the

behavior, being aware of attributions and other
"Earlier in the week, you weren’t feeling well. I
influences on the perception process.
2 wonder if it is that. If not, did I say something
This is followed by 2 possible interpretations:
to upset you?"
"I am wondering if ___ or ___ is the case for
you?"
Verify what happened and ask for clarification "I am sorry that comment was hurtful. I see
from the other person’s perspective. how that was crossing the line and I will try not
3
Finally, the perception check is completed to say it again. Can you please clarify how I
with a clarification request: "Can you clarify?" can do better?"
Perception checking can be new and uncomfortable at first, and here are some reasons why. First, perception checking might seem
time consuming. After all, it takes a lot more work up-front to inquire, rather than just jump in with assumptions. However,
jumping to conclusions could lead to more conflict or unnecessary back-and-forth, so perhaps this process can actually help you
save time, and possibly avoid hurt feelings. You might also notice that even though we are the ones initiating the conversations in
perception checking, we are serving as listeners, rather than speakers. For some people, listening can be a challenge. As you get
used to this process, try to work on actively listening and giving the floor to the other as they work through their feelings. Finally,
perception checking really forces us to be accountable. We are encouraged to use “I” language, even when describing another’s
actions, because this is our perception of those actions. Lastly, you may have noticed that in the perception-checking process, we
are taking ownership of our observations. This can be uncomfortable. We may need to own up to hurting others and accept fault in
times of conflict. For those of us who are still practicing this, be patient and show yourself some grace. This serves a perfect segue
into our next section, building compassion through perception.
Building Compassion Through Perception
Figure 3.6.3 : Two People Talking at Across a Table by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash
In literature posted by the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research Education from Stanford Medicine (2021), compassion is
defined as:
1. An awareness of suffering in others
2. A feeling of being emotionally moved by suffering
3. A motivation to see the relief of that suffering
4. An action and willingness to help relieve that suffering when possible
Research in compassion cultivation shows that “when perspective-taking is particularly geared toward imagining the other person’s
emotional state, rather than just her point of view, empathic responses and helping behavior are even more pronounced” (Batson et
al. 2003, as cited in Seppala, et al., 2013, p. 416-417). There have been many publications regarding how compassion can benefit
us in areas of physical and mental health, survival, happiness, social competence, and more (UCSD Center for Mindfulness, 2021).
As you might conclude, understanding perception is of key importance in interpersonal communication. It is a foundation upon
which we can build stronger and more meaningful relationships.
This page titled 3.6: Guidelines for Effective Perception is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Hilary Altman & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Summary
As we have examined throughout this chapter, we all come to relationships with a past, which shapes how we see the world.
Through these unique lenses, we usually make swift and decisive assumptions about the intentions of others. We know that how we
feel mentally, physically, and emotionally affects our ability to listen and make accurate judgments about others. The baggage of
implicit bias we carry also makes it difficult to look at others with clear eyes.
As we have learned in this chapter, one prospective strategy towards decreasing our biases and errors is through perception
checking. Another way forward lies within building compassion through perception. As we learn to recognize that others may have
different perceptions than us, we might have more patience and tolerance for others. This ability to see our loved ones for who they
are and where they are coming from, can help us build better connections with them as a result. In return, we are able to fulfill a
primary psychological need for a sense of affectionate and loving connection to others (Maslow, 1943).
1. After reading this chapter, you now know how quickly we make assumptions about people, the first time we see them. What
factors do you believe are most prominent or influential for you, in terms of how you might categorize someone you have just
met?
2. Let’s say you see someone you have never met and immediately make the assumption that this person will not be kind. What
strategies can you use to check on your perceptions, decrease bias, and move forward?
3. Stereotypes are learned. What biases and stereotypes were common in your home, school, religious institution, or
neighborhood?
4. What steps can you take to break down your own stereotypes?
This page titled 3.7: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Hilary Altman &
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CHAPTER OVERVIEW
4: Verbal Elements of Communication

Define verbal communication.
Explain the role of language in our everyday lives.
Identify barriers to effective verbal communication.
Demonstrate effective verbal communication in interpersonal relationships.
Verbal communication refers to our use of words while nonverbal communication refers to communication that occurs through
means other than words, such as body language, gestures, and silence. Verbal communication is an agreed-upon and rule-governed
system of symbols used to share meaning. In this chapter, we explore verbal communication in greater depth focusing on the nature
of language, the impact of language on our lives, language barriers, and finally how to improve our verbal communication.
4.6: References
This page titled 4: Verbal Elements of Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kristine
Clancy, Tiffany Ruggeri-Dilello, Kim Yee, & Kim Yee (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Using Language to Communicate
One of our authors shares this personal example, illustrating how easy it is to misunderstand someone else, even when we share the
same language:
In college, the car I drove was still registered to my parents, so when I got parking tickets they were mailed to my parent’s
house. At some point in my first year my parents threatened to stop paying for the registration because of the parking tickets.
Stunned, I pleaded my case arguing I had only gotten a few tickets. In the course of nine months I had gotten seven parking
tickets—and that was definitely not “a few tickets” in my parents eyes. Where they live, street sweeping comes once a month
and they had a driveway to park in. So getting seven tickets was a lot. Where I was living at college, they came twice a week
and I could only park on the street. In my mind the fact that I could get eight tickets a month, and I was only getting one
meant those seven were just a few.
As you learned in Chapter 1, when we use language to communicate, we are engaged in verbal communication. When we think of
verbal communication we often focus on speaking, but both verbal and nonverbal communication can be spoken and written.
Table 4.1.1 : Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
Means Verbal Communication Nonverbal Communication
Oral Spoken language Tone, inflection, laughing, crying, etc.
Non-Oral Written language/sign language Gestures, body language, etc.
Verbal communication refers to our use of words while nonverbal communication refers to communication that occurs through
means other than words, such as body language, gestures, and silence. Verbal communication is an agreed-upon and rule-governed
system of symbols used to share meaning. This chapter will explore verbal communication in greater depth focusing on the nature
of language, the impact of language on our lives, language barriers, and finally how to improve our verbal communication.
This page titled 4.1: Introduction to Verbal Elements of Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Kristine Clancy, Tiffany Ruggeri-Dilello, Kim Yee, & Kim Yee (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Qualities of Symbolic Communication
Our language is symbolic, meaning it is made up of symbols. A symbol is something that stands for something else. The symbols
that we use stand in for something else, like a physical object or idea; they do not actually correspond to the thing in any direct
way. For example, there is nothing fundamental about a cat that leads to calling it a "cat." The use of symbolic communication is
uniquely human, and it allows us to have abstract conversations about things that are not in our immediate reality. Our use of
symbolic language has three distinct qualities: it is arbitrary, ambiguous, and abstract.
Symbolic Language Is Arbitrary

We use symbols to encode what is in our heads, the thoughts, emotions, concepts, etc. so we can share them. The symbols we use
are arbitrary: there is nothing inherent about the things we are sharing and the symbols that we use to represent them. If symbols
are arbitrary, then how do we use them to communicate? Communication is only possible because speakers of the same language
have agreed on these arbitrary meanings. We understand that when someone uses a particular word (symbol) that it represents a
specific thing. This agreement is what makes communication via language possible. Ogden and Richards (1923) illustrated this
idea with their triangle of meaning (Figure 4.2.1). In this example, the word cat represents both the concept of a cat and an actual
cat. Communication is successful when the meaning attached to the symbol is shared.
Figure 4.2.1 : Triangle of Meaning by H. Rayl is licensed CC BY 4.0
Symbolic Language Is Ambiguous

In addition to being arbitrary, symbols are ambiguous because they have several potential meanings. If you are hanging out with a
friend and she says “check out that girl” and you respond, “she’s fine.” What do you mean? You could mean, she is alright. But you
might also mean that she is really good looking. In this case the symbol alone is ambiguous; we would have to rely on the context
to find meaning. Meanings also change over time. One of our authors shares their own experience as an example:
When I was headed to college I got my first cell phone. At that time, most people still had landline phones—so we
distinguished between our “phones” and our “cells.” These days most of us have cut the cord and now our cell phone is just
our phone. If I asked my kids to help me find my “cell” they would have no idea what I was looking for.
You might be asking, “If symbols can have multiple meanings, then how do we communicate and understand one another?” We are
able to communicate because there are a finite number of possible meanings for our symbols, a range of meanings which the
members of a given language system agree upon. Without an agreed-upon system of symbols, we could share relatively little
meaning with one another.
Symbolic Language Is Abstract
Finally, symbols are abstract. The verbal symbols we use are not material. Because they are only representations of objects and
ideas, a level of abstraction is inherent. In 1941, linguist S. I. Hayakawa created what is called the abstraction ladder. The
abstraction ladder starts with the most abstract at the top and then moves toward the bottom rung ,which is the most concrete. For
example, we could start with the most abstract (animal), moving to more concrete (fox), to the most concrete (a specific American
Red Fox). As we move down the ladder, the symbol becomes more concrete and less abstract. In addition to relying on arbitrary,
ambiguous, and abstract symbols, the language we use is also governed by rules.
Language Is Rule-Governed
Verbal communication is rule-governed. Remember in order for communication to succeed we have to have shared meaning. One
way to help facilitate shared meaning is to follow agreed-upon rules to make sense of the symbols we use. What would happen if
there were no rules for using the symbols (letters) that make up different words?
If placing letters in a proper order was not important, then cta, tac, tca, act, or atc could all mean cat. Even worse, what if you
could use any three letters to refer to cat? Or still worse, what if there were no rules and anything could represent cat? (Hahn
& Paynton, 2021).
As you can see, it is important to have rules to guide our use of verbal communication. In this section we focus on three general
rules: semantic, syntatic, and pragmatic.
Semantic Rules
Semantic rules are those that help us with meaning. We would not be able to communicate with others if we did not have semantic
rules. When we look a word up in the dictionary, the definition provides the semantic rules for that symbol. The dictionary
definition is the general meaning of the word, but that meaning can also vary based on the context in which it is used. Even though
a word has a definition, its meaning can change based on the particular context.
Take the word run for example. Most of us would claim to know what this word means and we could look it up in a dictionary if
we needed to, but on its own we can’t know what it means. We need to know in what context it is being used. “I’m going for a
run,” “I need to run an errand,” “He is giving me the runaround,” or “I am feeling rundown today,” all imply different meanings
based on the context.
Syntactic Rules
Syntactic rules are those that help us with language structure and symbol arrangement. How we combine words into sentences is
governed by syntax. These rules are what make meaning coherent and understandable.
In English, most basic syntax follows a subject–verb–direct object formula. For example, "Charlie kicked the soccer ball." The
structure of the sentence is fundamental to how we make shared meaning. The other aspect of syntax that influences our verbal
communication is grammar. For example, a comma can make a big difference in how people understand a message. As shown in
Figure 4.2.2, “Let’s eat grandma!” is quite different from saying “Let’s eat, grandma!” The first implies cannibalism and the
second a family dinner.
Figure 4.2.2 : Punctuation Saves Lives by Darin McClure on Flickr
Pragmatic Rules
Finally, pragmatic rules help us use language appropriately. What is appropriate in one circumstance may not be in another. While
you are working, you are likely to be more formal with your boss and customers than you are with your co-workers. Think about
the terms bowel movement, poop, crap, and shit. While all of these words have essentially the same denotative meaning, people
make choices based on context and audience regarding which word they feel comfortable using. These differences illustrate the
pragmatics of our verbal communication.
We learn pragmatic rules from our lived experience within our larger culture. A recent anecdote that we saw on Twitter helps
illustrate this idea. “In Australia we often have a meal where people are invited to bring some food to share. It’s referred to as
‘bring a plate.’ A friend from Scotland literally brought an empty plate and was very confused, thinking we didn’t own enough
dinnerware” (Sarah Harris @sarah_sirrah).
Language Creates Meaning

Miscommunication often occurs when individuals assign different meanings to the same symbol. We think about communication in
terms of finding the right words— but this view of language assumes that the meaning is in the words, and it is not. Meaning is in
us. We assign meaning to the symbols we use, and there are many potential meanings that we could draw upon. As you have
learned, symbols are arbitrary and their meaning is not inherent. While dictionaries can help us with standardized definitions—a
word’s denotative meaning—shared meanings are not always standard and vary contextually.
Language Shapes Our Worldview

Verbal communication helps us define reality. “We use verbal communication to define everything from ideas, emotions,
experiences, thoughts, objects, and people” (Hahn & Paynton, 2021). Think about what you are doing right now. How would you
describe this experience? Are you reading, learning, studying? Are you engaged, bored, stressed, motivated? There are a variety of
different ways we can make sense of our experiences, and we use verbal communication to label and define our reality.
Verbal communication helps us organize complex ideas and experiences into meaningful categories. It would be impossible for us
to focus our attention on the overwhelming stimuli that we encounter every day. Instead, we use verbal communication to help us
make sense of the world through simplified categories that help to establish meaning.
For example, think about how you organize your physical space. We organize things based on estimates: for example, your friend's
house might be close, but a favorite hangout spot is far away. We may categorize them based on another location: for
example, perhaps you could walk to the grocery store from your house, but you have to take the bus to get to campus. In the United
States, we tend to give directions using egocentric language and coordinates: “From our classroom you go left to the quad, then
take a right and you will see the library.” We could just as easily give these directions using fixed geographical coordinates: “Exit
the classroom and head east. When you get to the quad turn north and you will see the library.” Both of these directions are correct,
but they vary in how the speaker categorizes their physical space with language (Deutscher, 2010).
Figure 4.2.3 : Shelli Getting Directions by Alan Levine on Flickr

Verbal communication helps us think, and to engage in abstract thought. Without verbal communication, we would not function as
thinking beings. The ability most often used to distinguish humans from other animals is our ability to reason and communicate.
Animals can communicate about what is present. Many animals have sounds used to designate the presence of food or to warn of a
threat. What they lack is the ability to discuss complex ideas. Humans can talk not only about a visible and present threat but also
the potential for threat and how to prepare for it. It is this capacity of verbal communication that allows humans to reflect on the
past, consider the present, and plan for the future.
Verbal communication helps us shape our attitudes about our world. The way you use language shapes your attitude about the
world around you. Edward Sapir and Benjamin Lee Whorf developed the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis to explain that language
determines thought. People who speak different languages, or use language differently, think differently (Whorf; Sapir;
Mandelbaum; Maxwell; Perlovsky; Lucy; Simpson; Hussein).
In recent years, various experiments have shown that grammatical genders can shape the feelings and associations of speakers
toward objects around them. In the 1990s, for example, psychologists compared associations between speakers of German and
Spanish. There are many inanimate nouns whose genders in the two languages are reversed. A German bridge is feminine (die
Brücke), for instance, but el puente is masculine in Spanish. The same goes for clock, apartment, fork, newspaper, pockets,
shoulders, stamps, ticket, violin, the sun, the world, and love. Apple is masculine for Germans but feminine in Spanish, and so is
chair, broom, butterfly, keys, mountains, stars, table, war, rain, and garbage. When speakers were asked to grade various objects on
a range of characteristics, Spanish speakers deemed bridges, clocks, and violins to have more "manly properties" like strength, but
Germans tended to think of them as more slender or elegant. With objects like mountains or chairs, which are masculine in German
but feminine in Spanish, the effect was reversed (Deutscher, 2010).
Those of us who speak English are entirely oblivious to this phenomenon because our language does not create these associations;
nonetheless our language still shapes our attitudes and impacts how we perceive the world.
Language Is Impactful
One of our authors shares this example:
At the end of the day, I ask my children what they want for "supper." If it is my husband asking, he will inquire about what
they want for "dinner." If we are going to have eggs or pancakes or the like, we might comment that we are having
"breakfast" for dinner.
The language choices we make help us make sense of our world. As we explained earlier in the chapter, meaning is not in the
words that we use, it is in the people. The author's children know that supper and dinner both refer to the last meal of the day, but in
the case of "breakfast for dinner" they are more interested in the kind of food and not when we are eating it. In this section we
focus on how verbal communication defines reality, shapes relationships, evolves, and conveys power.
Language Defines and Labels our Reality

Verbal communication helps us define reality. If you ever played organized sports as a child, you know how difficult it can be to
process a hard loss. It is easy to be sad and frustrated that your team was not victorious, but a good coach will redirect those
feelings by reminding the team of how hard they tried and the fun they had playing regardless of the outcome. We have choices in
how we use verbal communication to define our realities. We make choices about what to focus on and how to define what we
experience, and those choices shape our understanding of the world we live in.
One area of language and identity that has taken on prominence is the use of pronouns. A pronoun is a word that can function by
itself as a noun phrase and that refers either to the participants in the discourse (e.g., I, you) or to someone or something mentioned
elsewhere in the discourse (e.g., she, it, this). Pronouns are essential in our communication with one another. In English we have
historically relied on gendered pronouns that reference someone’s perceived gender (he/him/his or she/her/hers). When we use
gendered pronouns, we are identifying someone’s gender and those part of their identity.
"Pronouns are basically how we identify ourselves apart from our name. It's how someone refers to you in
conversation," says Mary Emily O'Hara, a communications officer at GLAAD. "And when you're speaking to people, it's a
really simple way to affirm their identity." (Wamsley, 2021).
Pronouns have historically related singularly to a person's gender. Over time, with the help of language, this has evolved to be more
inclusive.
Table 4.2.1 : Pronoun Table (by Tiffany Ruggeri, licensed CC BY 4.0)
Subject Object Possessive Adjective Possessive Pronoun Reflexive
She Her Her Hers Herself
Subject Object Possessive Adjective Possessive Pronoun Reflexive
She planted the tree by

She has a tree. Her tree is in the yard. Her tree is tall. The tree is hers.
herself.
He Him His His Himself
He planted the tree by

He has a tree. His tree is in the yard. His tree is tall. This tree is his.
himself.
They Them Their Theirs Themselves
They planted the tree by

They have a tree. I saw them water the tree. Their tree is tall. The tree is theirs.
themselves.
Ze Hir Hir Hirs Hirself
Ze planted the tree by

Ze has a tree. I saw hir water the tree. Hir tree is tall. The tree is hirs.
hirself.
Ze Zir Zir Zirs Zirself
Ze planted the tree by

Ze has a tree I saw zir water the tree. Zir tree is tall. The tree is zirs.
zirself.
Using someone’s preferred pronouns demonstrates respect and acceptance. If you are unsure of what pronouns to use, simply ask.
Start by sharing your own, for example, “I’m Kristine, my pronouns are she/her. What about you?” This may seem awkward at
first, but the more we do this the more regular it will become. How someone presents their gender doesn’t indicate their gender
identity, so asking about pronouns helps us get to know someone better and ensures that we are affirming and respectful in our
interactions with others.
 Consider This: “What’s the Deal with Gender Pronouns?”
“And just because my family loves me, does not mean they are not confused, okay?”
—Che Diaz
This quote comes from Che Diaz, a nonbinary character played by actor Sara Ramirez on the 2021 Sex and the City reboot And
Just Like That… It captures the essence of the recently resurfaced debate about gender pronouns. Sociolinguist Archie
Crowley, who identifies as nonbinary, dedicated their research to identifying harmful and incorrect beliefs about language that
create barriers to building and strengthening relationships with people in the LGBTQIA+ community.
In Crowley’s TED Talk (2020), they discussed three mistaken beliefs that have contributed to the difficulty in embracing new
pronouns and new uses of familiar pronouns.
Grammar Rules Don’t Change

Today we use you as both singular and plural. However, back in the 1600s thou was used as the singular and you referred to
more than one person. When some began using you to refer to a single person, many people had a problem with that because it
wasn’t grammatically correct. Sound familiar? Nowadays, people are having a hard time wrapping their minds around using
they to refer to a single person, which is the exact same problem people had with thou and you. Here we are today, comfortable
using you as singular and plural—proving that grammar rules can and have changed.
Dictionaries Provide Official and Unchanging Definitions

Dictionaries are actually “living documents that track how some people are using language. Language doesn’t originate in
dictionaries. Language originates with people and dictionaries are documents that chronicle that language use” (Crowley,
2020), Living documents are continually changing and updated. Therefore, dictionaries not only record a history of how a
word has been used, but they also show the fluidity and adaptability of words by reflecting their most current usage and
meaning.
You Can’t Just Make Up Words
Language is like music: there are endless combinations of notes (letters and sounds) that create all sorts of utterances. These
utterances become words, and words are assigned meaning by their users. Consider these new words that have made their way
into dictionaries: binge watch, mansplain, twerk, upcycle, and vlog. They didn’t exist when 1999 turned into 2000.
Crowley has established that pronouns and new vocabulary represent a way for trans people to “understand their own
identities” (Crowley, 2020). Language, like life, is ever-changing. Right now, it may still be confusing: we are all learning to
adapt the tool of language to help us define who we are and appreciate everyone around us. The biggest takeaway from
Crowley’s TED Talk? When in doubt simply ask, “What is your preferred pronoun?”
Discussion Question/Journal Prompts

1. What is the role of pronouns in recognizing/acknowledging someone’s gender identity?
2. What is your appropriate pronoun(s)? How does this help define who you are? This short video on “Why Pronouns Matter
for Trans People” might give you some further insight.
Additional Resources
A Brief History of Singular “They”
Why Gender Pronouns Matter
A Guide to Gender Identity Terms
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Gender-Neutral Pronouns
Gender-Neutral Pronouns Make Headlines
Language Shapes and Reflects Relationships

How we use language shapes and reflects our relationships. Our group affiliations are evident in the language choices we make. For
example, if you were catching up with a friend at a coffee shop and complaining about an upcoming assignment that wasn’t clearly
explained or not included in the syllabus, your verbal communication demonstrates that you are a student. In addition to
highlighting the groups that we affiliate with, our language also shifts depending on who we are communicating with. We can see
this in action through convergence/divergence, the use of idioms and slang, and a phenomenon known as code-switching.
Communication accommodation theory (CAT), developed by Howard Giles, focuses on the ways in which individuals adjust their
communication with others. When you tell the story of a college party to a friend andto a parent, do you tell it the same way? Do
you leave out or highlight certain details? The kinds of decisions you make when telling a story reflect the ways in which you
accommodate your communication to your specific audience.
In general, there are two types of accommodation: convergence and divergence. When we converge our communication we make
it more like the person or persons with whom we are speaking. We attempt to show our similarity with them through our speech
patterns. When we diverge, we attempt to create distance between our audience and ourselves. Here, we want to stress our
difference from others or our uniqueness.
Sometimes our ability to decode others' language is dependent on our relationships. Take, for example, “cat got your tongue?” If
you understand that this question is not literally asking about a feline holding the large muscular organ in your mouth, then you are
likely part of the larger US culture in which this idiom is used. An idiom is a phrase or expression that typically presents a
figurative, non-literal meaning attached to the phrase. In this case, if someone is asking you this question, they want to know why
you are being unusually quiet or disengaged. The ability to engage in this kind of verbal communication is dependent upon your
participation in the larger culture in which it is used. Similarly, slang is informal language used by members of a particular group.
“Are you a Blackpink stan?” The only reason I can even ask a question like this is because my Gen Z students have shared
their K-Pop obsessions with me in class. Otherwise this is not the kind of language I would use or understand.
There are some additional examples of regional slang in Table 4.2.2.
Table 4.2.2 : Examples of Regional Slang
Region and Saying What It Means What Other Regions Say
The famous In-N-Out burger chain started out in

California. Ordering something “Animal Style” No such thing as “Animal Style,” but In-
West Coast: “Animal Style”
meant ordering your fries or burger with cheese, N-Out has been expanding east...
Thousand Island dressing, and grilled onions.
New England: “Clicker” Remote control for TV or other entertainment units. “The remote” or remote
South: “It doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.” Whatever you’re talking about isn’t worth much. “Don’t waste your time.”
Homemade sugary snack like Chex Mix with peanut

Midwest: “Puppy Chow” “Muddy buddies” or “Monkey Munch”
butter and chocolate
Finally, we occupy many different identities and cultivate a number of different relationships in our lives, so our language choices
are constantly changing depending on the context and who we are talking to. This process is referred to formally as code-
switching. Code-switching involves changing from one way of speaking to another between or within interactions and includes
changes in accent, dialect, and language (Martin & Nakayama, 2010). Code-switching can also refer to the process of multicultural
individuals using more than one language in conversation or other communicative acts. When you use different languages at the
same time, your brain switches back and forth between transmitting and receiving messages. Code-switching among multicultural
individuals creates a dual communication system in which people are able to maintain their identities with their in-group but can
still acquire tools and gain access needed to function in a larger dominant society (Yancy, 2011).
People who work or live in multilingual settings may code-switch many times throughout the day, or even within a single
conversation. Some cultural linguists have argued that, as a result of social media, the majority of Americans engage in code-
switching regularly. Words like text, tweet, liked, and googled, and communicating with symbols (e.g., emojis) are used every day,
across technological platforms and by individuals of all ages. Also, within the United States, some people of color may engage in
code-switching when communicating with dominant group members because they fear they may be negatively judged. Code-
switching may minimize perceived differences; it may also signal a shift from formal interactions to more informal interactions.
Individuals may code-switch to reinforce their ingroup identity (Heller, 1992).
Language Conveys Power

As you can see there is a strong relationship between language and identity, including in our relationships. One additional aspect
that we want to talk about in this relationship is power.
Language conveys power in a variety of ways, including who gets to speak, to whom they may communicate, how we address
others. Withholding speech also conveys power. Children should only speak when spoken to. Did you ever hear this when you were
younger? This view of language is all about power, in this case the power dynamic between adults and children. Denying children
the ability to speak is about emphasizing their place in the larger societal hierarchy. This is also evident in our primary school
classrooms where students are required to raise their hands if they wish to speak, then wait to be acknowledged. They are shushed
and at times punished for speaking out of turn. In addition to who gets to speak, we can also see power dynamics in our
relationships when we examine who gets to speak to whom. As we have just explored, adults may speak to children but children
need permission to speak to adults. Can you think of other relationships that have explicit or implicit rules about to whom we may
communicate? What about work: re you allowed to speak directly to the owner or CEO?
Beyond whom we may speak to, we also see power in how we address others. When we go to see a physician, we generally refer to
them as "doctor." Doing so is a sign of respect, and it also highlights the disparity in our relationships. In the classroom our students
may call me "doctor" because we have a Ph.D. in our field, but when we go to our primary-care physician we don’t introduce
ourselves as "doctor": in that setting, our professional credentials are not relevant the same way that our physician's are. The United
States is considered a low-power-distance culture, so generally speaking we are not very formal in our use of titles. However, the
military is a high-power-distance culture within the United States, and you can see that in the formality of rank and greetings.
When in uniform, you salute when you meet and recognize an officer entitled to a salute by rank, except when it would be
inappropriate or impractical. Generally, in any case not covered by specific situations, a salute is the respectful, appropriate way to
acknowledge a superior officer.
Finally, withholding speech is another way we use language to convey power. Sometimes we are silent because we don’t have
anything to say, but to be clear while silence is the absence of speech, it is not the absence of communication. Deliberately
withholding our verbal communication is a choice and one that can convey power. Not speaking is a point of privilege and doing so
to deny others the connection that comes from communication is only possible when we have power and we choose to employ it.
Giving someone the silent treatment is a way to deploy power even when we have very little.
 Consider This: The Last-Name Game—Defining Women’s Identities
In many cultures, traditionally women take on their husband’s last name when they marry. This is a historically patriarchal act
where upon marriage the woman becomes the man’s possession. Even as we are becoming more gender aware, and the idea of
“owning” wives has been antiquated for over a century, most women still adhere to the tradition of taking on their husband’s
last name.
In 2015, The New York Times conducted and analyzed three Google Consumer Surveys and almost 8,000 opposite-sex wedding
announcements from selected years between 1985 and 2014 (Miller & Willis, 2015). They found that about 70% of women
who married adopted their husband’s family name. While the statistics for this romanticized tradition is still rather high, it is
lower than it was a century ago.
Figure 4.2.4 : Thinking by Starlit Beaches from Flickr is licensed CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
There are many reasons why a woman might want to shed her last name for a new one when she marries, from disliking how
her maiden name sounds to wanting to distance herself from her family. Simon Duncan (2019) from the University of
Bradford, UK, is a professor in family life who has done extensive research on name-taking after marriage. He and his team
have identified two core reasons women continue the tradition of taking their husband’s last name. The first being the
“persistence of patriarchal power.” The second perpetuates the idea that it’s good for the family.
The “persistence of patriarchal power” can be found idealized all over the media in the form of romance novels, rom-com
movies, social media postings of fancy proposals and men asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage—just to name a
few. Depictions of these traditions help to maintain the romanticized dreams that girls can be swept away by a knight in shining
armor for their "happily ever after." The second core reason is more about maintaining the public optics of commitment to the
family. Everyone having the same last name represents family unity. Duncan’s study also found that parents were concerned
their children would be confused if parents had different last names. However, Davies (2011) found children to be much more
adaptable and accepting than adults.
Women who choose not to adopt their husband’s last name also have a variety of reasons. Back in 1855, Lucy Stone, a pioneer
for the women’s rights movement, made headlines by deciding to keep her maiden name upon marriage to make a political
statement. Since then, keeping one's last name upon marriage has become a symbol of the women’s rights movement. Other
factors influencing women’s decisions to keep their maiden names include becoming better educated and gaining professional
careers. As a result, women are marrying later in life and have established careers that identify them by their maiden names.
All in all, even though the tradition of assuming the husband’s surname is antiquated, it is a relentless and persistent social
norm that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon. However, as is reflective of the times, people have become quite
creative with their names. Some women hyphenate their maiden name with their married name, while choose to use their
maiden name as their middle name. Yet others merge their last names with their husband's to create a whole new name. For
example, the married actors Alexa Vega and Carlos Pena both go by the last name “PenaVega.” Former Los Angeles
mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was Antonio Villa prior to marrying Corina Raigosa. Do men adopt their wives family names?
Yes, but only 3%, according to Emily Fitzgibbons Shafer and Mackenzie Christensen (2018) in a study done at Portland State
University. This result supports the strength of this archaic gender social norm.
Discussion Questions/Journal Prompts
1. Regardless of your gender, would you change your last name if/when you marry? Explain why/why not.
2. It’s a “patriarchal tradition” to adopt the husband’s last name upon marriage. How do you think the issue of last names is
negotiated amongst same-sex couples?
3. What is the origin or back story to your last name?
4. Is there a difference in the importance placed on last names in different cultures? For example, Chinese culture is
collectivistic, therefore your surname/last name is placed first. In the individualistic US culture, you’re identified by your
given name first.
Language Evolves
As you may have noticed through much of what we have already discussed, language is not static: rather, it evolves as it is used.
Language that was once used regularly is now rarely used, while new words come into popularity all the time. One easy way to see
this in action is to look at the difference in language use across age groups. Think about some language that your parents or
grandparents still use that you would never hear from a peer. One of our authors gives this example: "My mom still refers to her
purse as a pocketbook. Even purse is starting to lose footing in my experience, as most of the time I and those around me would
just say bag.” Another change we see is the evolving definition of individual words. The word literally used to mean “in a literal
manner or sense; exactly.” For example, “Until I get paid next week, I literally have no money.” Now the word is used more
regularly in a figurative sense, to add emphasis. For example, “I’m literally starving.” This use has become so common that it was
added as an accepted definition for the term, much to the chagrin of older generations. Language does change, and young people
are the drivers of that change. Language evolution is random; it is not objectively better or worse, just different.
Figure 4.2.5 : Father Taking a Selfie with His Son, by August de Richelieu on Pexels
This page titled 4.2: The Nature of Language is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kristine Clancy,
Tiffany Ruggeri-Dilello, Kim Yee, & Kim Yee (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Increasing Communication Competence
We encounter many language barriers. How we address or work with these barriers can increase our communication competence.
Conversational skills are learned. Despite what we may have learned in the past, these skills are something we are consistently
working on. We assume that because we have been communicating our whole lives that we have attained skills. However,
communication does not mean that we simply get “better” with experience, without knowledge and practicing specific skills. In
fact, when employers describe their ideal candidate, “communication skills” is on the top of the list. Therefore, it is important for
us to learn about barriers we experience, skills that will improve our communication competence, and putting those skills to
practice. One of the many barriers we experience is related to apprehension.
Communication Apprehension
Communication apprehension is the hesitancy or discomfort surrounding our communication events. This is common in oral
communication (Loureiro, et al., 2020). One of our authors gives this example:
As a professor, I feel comfortable lecturing. However, when my family and I are ordering food at a restaurant, I am
uncomfortable. In part, this is my lived experience. People can be rude when they are hungry and take it out on food servers.
Those who have worked in the food industry have been on the receiving end of this incivility. Our lived experience is one of many
reasons for our communication apprehension. We may not fully understand the reason(s) that we have high communication
apprehension in some realms but not others. However, James McCroskey designed an assessment tool, the PRCA-24, to help us
determine where we experience different levels of communication apprehension in different spheres (public, interpersonal, group,
and meetings). Knowing where we experience communication apprehension helps us appreciate the way we typically react and
how to change these behaviors in an attempt to lower our communication apprehension.
Jung and McCroskey (2004) found that non-native English speakers experience communication apprehension at an increased rate.
Moderating factors included the number of years that participants had lived in the US and the number of years of that they had
spoken English. This means that when we communicate interculturally, communication apprehension is higher and that becomes a
barrier. We can utilize intercultural communication competence tools to help us achieve a positive communication event.
Culture
There are many skills at our disposal that relate to culture. Culture is influenced by communication and our perceptions
(Balakrishnan, et al., 2021). We can start by becoming more culturally empathetic. “Cultural empathy requires a perception of the
needs of others, as well as the knowledge of their cultural specificities'' (Gonçalves, et al., 2020, p. 246). We should try to be
attuned to the emotional needs of others and be able to practice perspective-taking—that is, attempt to understand the other
person’s perspective.
Social intelligence and cultural sensitivity can help mitigate language barriers. Social intelligence in this context means that we
seek understanding of someone’s language and culture in an attempt to reach communication competence. For example, we can
learn about the rituals and customs of someone’s culture, which would help us to understand our communication partners and avoid
language barriers. Cultural sensitivity relates to how we are open minded and overcome these barriers. When we seek out
information about a culture without preconceived notions, we can be both culturally sensitive and more socially intelligent.
We can also avoid ethnocentric behaviors. Ethnocentrism is when we tend to see the world through our own cultural lens and
judge others’ behaviors by the standards we hold. When we hold other people to our own standards, we are asserting our
dominance and superiority, and we not taking into account cultural differences or barriers that exist. While it may sound
straightforward to avoid ethnocentric behaviors, we must begin by becoming aware of what ethnocentric ideals we have and when
we apply them. Only then can we start to eliminate our ethnocentric behaviors. This relates to the way we communicate and taking
responsibility with our language use.
 Consider This: Introducing English Idioms to Second-Language Speakers
Since English is my second language, I translated very literally when I first began to learn English. I was confused by
many of these strange American sayings—and I wasn’t the only one! A good friend of mine from graduate school was
an international student from Japan who spoke very proficient English. She went to one of her advisor’s classes to talk
about her thesis. Before leaving, her advisor asked her to come back and share the results of her thesis when she had
finished. She agreed, and he responded, “It’s a date!” She was utterly baffled, but she did not want to disrespect her
advisor. With a slow and reluctant nod, she answered, “OK… but I will have to ask my boyfriend first.” I later learned
that some of these “strange American sayings” are referred to as idioms.
Idioms are figurative-language phrases that require understanding of cultural context to determine meaning—which is never
the literal, dictionary definition of the strung-together phrases. Table 4.3.1 lists some common idioms that may cause
confusion for English language learners.
Table 4.3.1 : Common English Idioms
What a Non-native English Speaker Might Be
Idiom Actual Meaning
Picturing
To avoid getting to the point of an issue

Beat around the bush Example: “Stop beating around the bush, and tell me the
bad news.”
To disclose a secret
Let the cat out of the bag Example: “I accidentally let the cat out of the bag, and now
everyone knows you won the lottery!”
To get to know people; get a conversation going

Break the ice Example: “Let me break the ice and tell you a little
something about myself and our company.”
To exaggerate the truth, usually as a joke

Pull someone's leg Example: “I was pulling his leg when I told him I
swallowed a fly. I didn’t think he would be so grossed out.”
To waste time on something that cannot be changed

Beat a dead horse Example: “There is no point in beating a dead horse. It’s
time to buy a new car.”
To waste time by going after the wrong thing

Barking up the wrong
Example: “You’re barking up the wrong tree begging for
tree
money, because I’m broke!”
What a Non-native English Speaker Might Be
Idiom Actual Meaning
Picturing
To force oneself to do something difficult or unpleasant

Bite the bullet
Example: “I had to bite the bullet and attend traffic school.”
Describes people who are efficient, effective, talented, and

aware of what’s around them
On the ball
Example: “Danny was on top of the ball and graduated in
three years instead of four.”
Getting information directly from the source who has direct

Straight from the horse’s knowledge of something
mouth Example: “Unless I hear it straight from the horse’s mouth,
I won’t believe she is retiring.”
To do two things with one action

Kill two birds with one
Example: “We can kill two birds with one stone by using
stone
the soup base in two different recipes.”
Table created by Kim Yee CC BY-NC-SA

Clipart source: English idioms by Graphics RF from Vecteezy (Free License)
Discussion Questions/Journal Prompts:

1. What other English idioms might confuse English language learners?
2. If you speak another language, are there idioms used in your language you’d like to share?
3. Why do we use idioms instead of saying what we mean?
Activities with Idioms:

1. Pick an idiom and draw its literal and figurative meanings.
2. Pick an idiom and act it out as a charade.
3. Use idioms as discussion starters. For example:
Tell us about a time you had to “burn the midnight oil.”
Describe something that “gets under your skin.”
Tell about a time when you were able to “kill two birds with one stone.”
Describe a situation where you had to “bite the bullet.”
What is the best way to “break the ice” when meeting new people?
Describe a situation where “beating around the bush” is necessary.
4. What are some idioms you can use to give advice? For example:
Take what someone says with a grain of salt.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
You should bury the hatchet.
5. What are some idioms we use during holidays?
Valentine’s Day (to pop the question)
Halloween (skeleton in the closet)
Christmas (snowball effect)
Responsibility
When we are participating in a communication event, it is important to understand our role. In doing so, we must accept
responsibility for the role that we play. We call this the language of responsibility. We know that using the language of
responsibility in a corporate setting facilitates relationships (Joutsenvirta, 2009).
We can act responsibly by using it statements, and avoiding but statements and you statements. The use of pronouns confers
blame; the language of responsibility aids us in avoiding blaming others while accepting responsibility for our own actions. When
we remove pronouns completely and use the term “it,” we avoid pointing the finger at others and state the facts. For instance,
instead of stating, “you forgot to take out the garbage,” I could state, “the garbage was not taken out,” or even “we forgot to take
out the trash.” The latter infers that “we” are in this together and the issue is not about who did or did not take an action. This helps
us to avoid “you statements.” Is there a way to reframe our language to avoid pointing fingers? By removing “you,” we can accept
responsibility and not make someone else responsible for an action. With “but statements,” we essentially negate everything that
came before the word but. For instance, a spouse states to another spouse, “I love you, but I really need you to take out the trash.”
The way this is stated assumes that the idea of “love” is not the point, but rather that who takes out the trash is the pivotal part of
the phrase. It can even infer that “love” is contingent on this action being taken. If we are on the opposite end of this statement, we
may in fact, be concerned that the way this is exclaimed, points to the fact that the trash is more important than the relationship. We
see this in many areas, specifically politics. Have you been on the opposite end of a non-apology? “I am sorry you feel that way.” I
am not sorry for the action itself, but rather your reaction. By utilizing the language of responsibility, we can avoid hurting the
relationship and promote relational and professional growth.
Figure 4.3.1 : Relationship Couple Conflict, Amarpreet Singh, Pixabay
Defensive Communication
Defensiveness is the opposite of the language of responsibility, so it is important to start by recognizing when we use defensive
language and then ensure we focus on the issue at hand instead of on the other person or their actions. John Gottman (2012), a
leading researcher in marital relationships, found that defensive communication is one of the most destructive relationship
behaviors and in fact a leading indicator of future divorce. This research has been extended to communication in a broad setting.
Defensiveness is defined by the perception of threat or threatening behavior (Gibbs, 1965). Avoiding defensiveness and airing
grievances can spur relational growth and relational satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 1994). I focus on four main types of defensive
communication in this section: dogmatism, superiority, indifference, and control messages.
Dogmatism
Dogmatism is when we use emotional justification rather than evidence-based justification (Harrison, 2021). We typically do not
notice when we respond using a dogmatic perspective. We are inextricably connected to our emotions, and with dogmatism we are
operating from our sense of self. This is defensive behavior: when we use emotions to justify our stance, we leave out empirical
evidence. We lack connection to our relational communication partners. This dismissive behavior hurts the relationships involved.
For example, in a professional environment I was explaining why I process I had developed was a better option than our previous
process. Another person said to me, “Why does that make you correct?” I realized I was using my emotions rather than logic in my
explanation. I switched my tone and focused on the evidence that I had. Focusing on evidence and the argument itself can be a
strong skill to develop.
Superiority
According to Gottman (2012), any time we “act superior,” we are saying that we are correct and that the other(s) must be
“damaged.” Therefore, superiority is a form of defensiveness. We can start by recognizing when we are using judging language
and attempt to use the language of responsibility in its place. We can also try to focus on why we think our stance is superior and
focus on those traits, using a discussion communication style rather than prescriptive communication style. If we create a habit of
challenging why we believe we are correct, we can then focus on the issue at hand and avoid superiority.
Indifference
We display indifference when we show a lack of caring or connection to the other person(s) and/or the content of the message. At
times we do not show our interest to our communication partners, which results in harm to the relationship(s). Indifference can take
many forms. At times it is intentional and meant to be understood by our relational partners, and other times we simply do not see
that we lack caring or connection. This is related to the different contexts of communication: culture, relational, and situational.
These contexts play a role in how involved we are in the communication event. For example, if we are communicating with
someone whom we do not care to continue in relationship with, we may intentionally use indifference. Whereas, perhaps our
cultural lens is different than our communication partner and we do not see our communication behavior as indifferent, but
culturally we are giving space to avoid being rude or engaging in cultural clashes. If we care about the relationship, we can show
caring within these contexts. By engaging in a way that shows that we care, we promote the relationship—if we also keep in mind
what is appropriate culturally, and what is appropriate for the situation.
Control Messages
Control messages are meant to coerce rather than persuade relational partners to an action. We have seen this in history. If you
look at the Milgram experiment, participants were asked to shock people, by use of control and authoritarian messages. Participants
did not know that there was no shock being administered. The experiment showed that humans are susceptible to control messages.
When we are told what to do using manipulative or coercive messages, we tend to obey. This lack of critical thinking focuses on
superiority and hurts all involved. The participants in the experiment disclosed being unable to resist the commands they received,
and as a result became distraught and experienced trauma. This reflects what happens to us when we receive control messages.
Therefore, we can avoid control messages and use ethical means of persuasion instead. For instance, when my son exhibits “bad
behavior,” instead of focusing on consequences of his actions, I can focus on the benefits of positive behavior.
Bias
When discussing language barriers, we include our understanding of culture and our perceptions, which are ingrained in the
language we use and its implications. When we discuss bias, we tend to focus on the negative connotations. Simply put, bias
relates to our preferences. If I ask you for your favorite color, favorite musical artist, or favorite podcaster, you likely have a
response.
When we discuss bias when it comes to culture, we are talking about when those preferences become negative. Perhaps you prefer
to have your hair or romantic partner’s hair blond. This is a preference. When this becomes negative is when we think of and treat
others differently as a result. When we put people into classifications, that is stereotyping. Is this negative? It depends on what
transpires. If I am your professor, and I assume you are brilliant because you wear glasses and then hold you to a higher standard
than other students, that is negative (and should never happen). This stereotyping could be positive, too: for example, perhaps you
wear glasses and do identify as a brilliant person.
However, stereotyping is largely negative. We don’t like being put into boxes. These boxes can be understood as a wide array of
categories from our race and ethnicity to our demographics and personality. It would be unfortunate if being put into a certain box
prevented us from potential employment. For instance, if I choose a box that states that I have a disability, will that prevent
potential employers from hiring me? Therefore, we must acknowledge our biases and try to avoid negative stereotypes.
Figure 4.3.2 : Two people, man, woman, working at a table, Amanda Mills, USCDCP, Pixnio
Prejudice
Prejudice is when our stereotyping has turned from preferences into hate and hateful actions. Prejudice is defined as “a
preconceived judgment or opinion, usually based on limited information” (Tatum, 2017, p. 85). Many prejudices are influenced by
misinformation, We have prejudiced action when we use hostile statements based on group membership (Cary & Chasteen, 2021).
Prejudice is experienced in face-to-face interactions as well as online. As we are communicating more through online means, we
see prejudice in many platforms and contexts. Recent research has shown that prejudice is found in gaming (Cary & Chasteen,
2022), television news (Takano, et al., 2021), social media (Capobianco, 2020), and even academia (Hurd, et al., 2022; Ruf, 2020).
On gaming platforms, gamers communicate. As this is an open forum, prejudicial comments are made and are in fact
commonplace. Cary, Axt, and Chasteen (2020) found that early interventions reduced these actions. Let’s say you are gaming and
someone says something prejudicial (i.e., a comment about you that relates to your group membership). If the comments are
confronted, there is a better chance that prejudicial actions will be reduced. If the comments are not confronted, then the other
person may feel like this is banter and playful instead of hurtful, thereby continuing prejudicial actions. Prejudice often turns into
hate speech.
Hate Speech
Marginalized people are people that are excluded and discriminated against due to their group membership, typically related to
race, sexual orientation, gender and/or gender identity, socioeconomic status, age, disability, and others. Microaggressions are
hostile or negative messages towards people within marginalized groups. Microaggressions are defined as brief and commonplace
daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory,
or negative slights and insults (Wing, 2007). These microaggressions can grow into hate speech. Hate speech consists of abhorrent
messages used to hurt, incite violence, and inflict psychological harm (ŞtefÃniÞÃ & Buf, 2021). It is used in multiple contexts and
against many types of targets, but most commly against marginalized people. The receipt of hate speech results in fear and anxiety,
which ultimately increases stress (Crichton, 2019). Targeted marginalized groups are often subject to violent acts, known as hate
crimes. While hate speech in many forms is protected under the First Amendment, hate crimes are not.
Racism and Sexism

Stereotyping can lead to racism and sexism. Racism is a systemic form of oppression using power dominance to control people
based on race. Cultural racism is defined as “cultural images and messages that affirm the assumed superiority of Whites and the
assumed inferiority of people of color” (Tatum, 2017, p. 86). Racism is rooted in oppression and oppressive systems put in place by
dominant groups to control marginalized groups. Oppression occurs when the dominant group reinforces their power while
withholding or suppressing marginalized groups from power. This may start with ethnocentrism, when we unconsciously see the
world through our personal lens and fail to perspective take or see things from another’s perspective. These unconscious biases and
assumptions are reinforced through structural processes. This occurs through institutional practices and policies based on cultural
images and ideals that affirms systemic racism. When we pair oppression and racism with hierarchical structures, we reinforce
systemic racism.
Figure 4.3.3 : Child Mother Work From Home, Max Pixel
Sexism is defined as discrimination or prejudice based on gender. When we discuss sexism we are often talking about women
being treated with less respect than would a male counterpart. This can start with a generalization that turns into discrimination or
prejudice. We have heard the joke that women are “bad” drivers. This may have started as a joke but become prejudicial quickly.
Sexism is pervasive and widespread, especially in the workplace. There is a disparity in wages between males and females. We are
seeing more discriminatory sexist acts in the workplaces that take other forms, such as who gets parental leave when a child is
born, how much time, the argument of fairness to childless persons, or the assumption that in a two-person relationship if a child is
sick, a female in the relationship is responsible and thereby is a riskier hire than a male. Sexism affects those in the LGBTQIA+
community as well.
When we discuss gender, a lot of the time we discuss it in terms of biological sex, but it includes gender expression and identity.
Take for instance a person who is transgender and how they may be treated in terms of biological sex norms. These "traditional"
and antiquated views lead to the mistreatment of individuals based on their gender. Sexism is prevalent and we can begin to stem
the tide by reviewing the language we use and exclude language rooted in negative and potentially untrue stereotypes and sexist
language.
Muted group theory studies the differences in dominant and subdominant groups and explains how subdominant groups have less
power and access than the dominant group. In the development of this theory, researchers started out by examining gender
differences and the power dynamics in males versus females. However, muted group theory was not intended to primarily be about
gender, but to lay the foundation to understand differences in the power of dominant and subdominant groups (Smith Barkman,
2018). Essentially, we are looking at why some people have power, and when they do, how they use it to keep that power and
“mute” or prevent subdominant groups from attaining the same power. Marginalized or muted groups often do not see themselves
as muted or do not feel they have power to change their position. According to Linda Smith Barkman (2018), there are four
primary ways we can avoid people being muted:
1. We have different forms of expression, which also relates to power and how it is perceived. When we do not understand others’
forms of expression, divides are created in our communication. We can learn about different forms of expression to avoid these
pitfalls.
2. We can start to recognize and understand others’ cultures and group membership and how that relates to their power or lack
thereof.
3. Speaking up for marginalized others in an appropriate and nuanced way can benefit both dominant and muted groups.
4. It is sometimes difficult to see that a group is marginalized. It is therefore imperative to stay open-minded and ask ourselves
what is happening related to group membership and power.
This page titled 4.3: Language Barriers is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kristine Clancy,
Sharpening our Communication Skills
Our communication skills are attained over time and honed with practice. There are many things we can do to sharpen our skills to
help us become more communication competent. We want to consider the reason for our communication, what goals we have,
understand our perspectives, own our thoughts and emotions, and precision in the language we choose. There are many reasons we
communicate. To explain how this can help us to improve our verbal style, in this section we examine how we communicate to
show gratitude and support, when we have to deliver bad news, and to clarify or avoid misunderstandings.
Show Gratitude
As humans we need validation and confirming messages. We should show this support often. The Gottman Institute gives many
helpful tips and ideas on how to improve our relationships, and showing gratitude is at the top of the list. This includes nonverbal
means such as sending thank-you cards and remembering birthdays to those who celebrate—but verbally expressing gratitude,
telling someone they are appreciated, and showing gratitude when someone has taken an action, can be validating. Even when the
actions our relational partners take are small, showing gratitude tells the person they are seen and appreciated. This improves
relational satisfaction, is a relational maintenance strategy, and can improve overall life satisfaction. Daily gratitude messages
accumulate and result in an increase in relational satisfaction (Chang, et al., 2021). If we take the time to express gratitude, it will
improve our relationships. For example, if you took out the trash and never received acknowledgement, it could feel like a
thankless job. When your roommate, spouse, or children says, “thank you for taking out the trash,” you know they noticed that you
were doing something in part for them, and they showed gratitude to you. In that moment you would feel appreciated, and that
would extend to how you feel about the person(s) showing you gratitude.
Send a Supportive Message

Supportive messages play many roles in improving our verbal communication. Emotionally supportive messages increase problem-
solving (Kimbler, et al., 2012). Supportive messages even extend to the online realm. When online bystanders offer supportive
messages to targets of cyberbullying, these messages moderate the mental and emotional damage experienced as a result (High &
Young, 2018). Repetitive supportive messages have been shown to lower the dropout rates in high school students (Strom &
Boster, 2011). In our relationships, emotional support can lower the “perceptions of stress, anger, and dejection” (Pederson &
Mclaren, 2017, p. 804). Validating messages can increase relational satisfaction and help improve our relationships overall. Take
for instance, a time when you were feeling low, and had a friend send a message of support. How did that change your outlook on
your situation and the relationship you had with that person? We can be our biggest critics and our support systems help us to
moderate this. Therefore, these supportive messages improve our communication and our relationships.
Deliver Bad News and Condolence

At times we are tasked with difficult but necessary communication, such as delivering bad news or portraying our condolences. We
have been in positions where we have had to tell a friend or loved one something that would hurt them. During the pandemic, many
people dealt with getting COVID-19, and telling others they were exposed—and many unfortunate people had to tell others that the
worst had happened, and death had occurred. So how do we do this in a communication competent way? We start with empathy. It
is important to be empathetic, but also to show our empathy to others. We do so by verbally expressing our gratitude, showing
support, and being there to listen and engage in perspective-taking. We do not need to have gone through what someone else has to
be empathetic. One of our authors shares this example: "When my father passed away, two things happened: many people stayed
silent while others did not know what to say, but still reached out." Empathy can take many forms, but listening is a primary action
we can take. This also means giving others space to heal when they want privacy. Empathy is perspective-taking, meaning that you
consider what you would want if you were in their situation.
Avoid Misunderstandings
We have all experienced a time when we were misunderstood—perhaps even in a setting where clarity was paramount, such as a
professional setting. There are ways to attempt to avoid misunderstandings, and there are things we can do when inevitable
misunderstandings occur.
We do our best to be clear and articulate in our language, but what if we do not speak the same language or have cultural
differences? We can use nonverbal communication in conjunction with our language. Although our understanding of nonverbals
may be different, when nonverbals are paired with language it can increase our ability to be understood.
Once a misunderstanding occurs, what is the severity of the misunderstanding? If the misunderstanding could cost your company
money, that would be severe. In that case, we can follow the steps to a “good apology” from Dr. Randy Pausch. Start by stating
remorse, then take personal responsibility and then ask what you can do to help make it right. If the misunderstanding is less severe
—perhaps you misspoke and your relational partner does not understand what you are asking from them—then clarity is
key. We often find ourselves restating requests with different terms to avoid misunderstandings. Language is subjective and relates
to our lived experience, so different terms can mean different things. Restating your request using different phrases can help with
clarity.
Avoiding Common Errors

There are many tools and tips we can utilize in a general sense. The first is to visualize the impact on the audience. There are three
“errors” we can avoid to help: the shared knowledge error (when we assume everyone knows what we know), the shared opinion
error (when we assume everyone agrees with what we are saying), and the monopolization error (when we dominate the
conversation and do not allow others to engage in the conversation. When we are aware of these errors, we can avoid committing
them.
Take a Dual Perspective

We want to avoid ethnocentrism. In that same context, we strive to see things from others’ perspectives. Empathy, perspective
taking, or “dual perspective” relates to how we want to walk in another person’s shoes when communicating. When we try to see
that there are more perspectives than just our own, we open ourselves to dual perspectives. When we fail to see that there is more
than just our perspective, we may alienate our communication partners. Therefore, using this dual perspective or empathy, we can
become communication competent.
Figure 4.4.1 : Older man with cane and older women walking their dog. Older People Care, Pixy
Use the Language of Responsibility

As we discussed earlier, we should use the language of responsibility (using the pronoun I to accept responsibility for our thoughts
and ideas), while avoiding gendered terms, “you” statements, and anything that assigns blame. This choice of language helps us to
accept ownership of our emotions and perspectives while avoiding blame or alienating our communication partners. The language
of responsibility can be slowly integrated into our communication patterns until we do not have to think about it consciously. For
instance, we know that the term guys is not directed exclusively toward males, but it is an exclusionary term. One of our authors
shares this example: "When I started teaching, I slowly integrated the term y’all into my speech. Although I get asked a lot where I
am from, this small change helps to make sure I do not alienate students from the conversation." Teachers also tend to use the
inclusive language term we, as in "Our papers are due Sunday, please make sure we turn them in on time." This way we avoid
blaming language and instead use an inclusive language.
Strive for Clarity and Accuracy

The abstraction ladder relates to the specific or equivocal language we use when communicating. Equivocation is when we use
ambiguous or abstract language rather than concrete and specific language. For example, consider asking a housemate to take out
the garbage. Specific language would be “Please take out the trash” whereas abstract language would be “the kitchen is flooded
with trash.” In general an abstract message could be something like “education.” As a term this is abstract and could be interpreted
differently depending on the context and the lived experience of the interpreter. However, stating someone has earned a PhD is
more concrete because there are more rules that govern what this designation means.
Figure 4.4.2 shows examples of how we move from the abstract to the concrete. While in many relationships we create a shorthand
language and can be ambiguous and still clear in our messages, most of our communication requires that we be specific in our
language, which is called concrete language. When we lack clarity or use language that is culturally bound or ambiguous, that is
considered abstract language. The abstraction ladder shows how we can move from the specific (concrete) to the abstract. At the
bottom are "more concrete" statements, beginning with "We need to put the trash cans on the curb before the garbage collector gets
here tomorrow morning," then moving up to "Tuesday night we should remember to put the trash cans out," and to "It is Tuesday,
so we should move the trash cans." Near the top of the ladder, we see "We should remember to put out the trash cans this week,"
and finally, at the top of the "more abstract range," "Our trash cans are full."
Figure 4.4.2 : Abstraction Ladder by Tiffany Ruggeri
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Kristine Clancy, Tiffany Ruggeri-Dilello, Kim Yee, & Kim Yee (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Summary
In this chapter we have discussed what verbal communication is, including that it is symbolic, arbitrary and abstract, rule-governed,
and shapes our worldview. Verbal communication is used in our everyday lives through defining our reality, reflecting our
relationships, and conveying power and evolving. Language creates and maintains barriers that we should become aware of in
order to be communication competent. We also discussed how language helps shape our relationships and how effective verbal
communication facilitates relational growth. We can avoid defensive communication and bolster the language of responsibility. By
understanding our verbal communication, we are able to increase our communication competence.
1. What is the difference between verbal and nonverbal communication? Think of an example of verbal communication that is not
spoken? What about nonverbal communication that is vocalized?
2. Explain the difference between the various rules that govern communication.
3. What are pronouns? What pronouns do you use? Can the pronouns we prefer change over time? How and why? Why is it
important to use someone’s preferred pronouns?
4. In this chapter we discussed the importance of names and naming. What are your thoughts on last names? Would you take a
spouse's last name? If you chose to adopt, foster, or have a child with someone, what last name would you want them to have
and why?
5. We discussed communication apprehension, how that changes the forms of communication that we use, and how it is a barrier
to effective communication. Name a time when you have experienced communication apprehension. After filling out the
PRCA-24, what tools would have helped you? Now that you know when you have the most communication apprehension, what
thought processes could you change to become more communication competent?
6. The chapter covered muted groups and four primary ways we can avoid muting others or being muted ourselves. Of these four
strategies, which strategies would be easiest for you to apply in your life? What settings would these strategies work best in?
7. We discussed several tools to help us improve our verbal communication. What two tools could you utilize and how would they
help? Would the changes you make be small at first, and if not, how could you make these changes in a way that makes it easier
for you to adopt?
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4.2: The Nature of Language by Kim Yee, Kristine Clancy, Tiffany Ruggeri-Dilello is licensed CC BY 4.0.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
5: Nonverbal Elements of Communication

Define the roles and functions of nonverbal communication.
Identify and describe various channels of nonverbal communication.
Articulate the principles of nonverbal communication effectively in different contexts.
In this chapter, we discuss what nonverbal communication is and its significance in interpersonal communication. After defining
nonverbal communication, we describe the role of nonverbal communication and identify the wide range of types of nonverbal
cues. Finally, we address how nonverbal communication may differ in various contexts.
5.2: Definitions
5.7: References
5.8: Case Study
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Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
The Importance of Nonverbal Communication
Figure 5.1.1 : A group of retired men and friends, playing a game of cards in Sorrento by Nick Fewings on Unsplash.
Nonverbal communication permeates every communication exchange that we have. That’s a bold statement, but it’s true! Let’s
begin by looking at a couple of examples.
As a sophomore in college, one of our authors studied German at the Goethe Institute in Arolsen, Germany. They share this
example:
One of my classmates was from Turkey. We spoke to each other in German, our common language. There were times when I
would ask him a “yes–no” question in German, and he would respond with a nod of the head up and down. In the United
States, where I grew up, a head nodding up and down meant “yes” in response to a “yes–no” question. I started to get
irritated when I kept getting “mixed messages.” For example, one time I asked him “Are you free on Saturday afternoon to
study?” He responded nonverbally “yes,” but then he didn’t show up to study. When I asked him about it, he said that he had
told me “no.” I finally started to ask questions that he needed to respond to verbally, such as “When should we meet?” so that
he would state a specific time. Why? In the culture that I grew up in, a head nodding up and down meant “yes,” but in his
culture, my friend’s head nodding up and down meant “no.” We both thought that we had communicated clearly, but that
head nodding gesture meant something totally different in the two cultures! That insight may very well have been one of the
reasons that I decided to become a Communication Studies professor!
Here is another example:
When I was a flight attendant, I often went to Japan. Since I did not speak Japanese nor was I familiar with their nonverbal
communication style, I encountered many situations that were confusing to me. For example, when I was offering drinks
from the beverage cart, I expected either an up-and-down nod for “Yes, I want a beverage” or a side-to-side face movement
meaning “No, I don’t want a beverage.” However, when I flew to Japan, I usually got two nonverbal signals at the same time.
One was the up-and-down nod and the second was a hand gesture: the person would wave their hand back and forth in front
of your face, with the thumb facing you and pinky away from you. When the two gestures came together I didn’t know if the
up-and-down nod said “Yes, I want a beverage” or if the hand gestures meant “No, I don’t want a beverage.” I later realized
that Japanese culture does not feel comfortable saying just “no.” So the nod that went up and down said “thank you” and the
hand gesture meant “no.”
What experiences have you had when you did not understand what a person was “saying” with their gestures or facial expressions?
Have you ever had someone get the wrong impression or message because they misread something you were doing nonverbally?
In this chapter we discuss what nonverbal communication is and its significance in interpersonal communication. After defining
nonverbal communication, we will describe the role of nonverbal communication and identify a wide range of types of nonverbal
cues. We will address how nonverbal communication may differ in various contexts.
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5.2: Definitions
The Importance of Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal communication plays a significant role in our daily interactions with others. As you can see in Figure 5.2.1, there is a lot
of nonverbal expression on a baby’s face. How directly or indirectly we look at someone communicates a message. Speaking
loudly or softly can change the meaning of a phrase. A touch may send a comforting message, make a connection with someone, or
even serve as a display of power. Smells may remind us of a favorite holiday (such as the smell of vanilla) or encourage us to relax
(such as the smell of lavender). Even taste might communicate a message. For example, a root beer float on a hot, sunny day could
bring back good memories of childhood.
Figure 5.2.1 : Baby displaying a facial expression of unhappiness by Ryan Franco on Unsplash.
Nonverbals [sic] is everything that communicates but is not a word. This beautiful theater, it's communicating to us. How
you sit is communicating to us. The things that you attach to yourself—a purse, a pen, a fancy car—all these things are
communicating. How you look at others communicates. And all day long, we are communicating nonverbally. All day long.
(TED, 2020)
This excerpt is from the transcript for the TEDxManchester talk titled “The Power of Nonverbal Communication,” delivered by Joe
Navarro. Who is Navarro and why consider what he has to say about nonverbal communication? Navarro has spent his career using
and sharing his knowledge of nonverbal communication:
For 25 years, Joe used nonverbal communication as his primary professional tool in the FBI to catch and interview spies,
criminals, and terrorists. Since leaving the FBI his life’s work has been in building awareness about the power of nonverbal
communication, debunking myths and falsehoods about nonverbals and giving people insight in how to better utilize
nonverbals to enhance their communication skills. (TED, 2020)
It’s just not professionals working for the FBI who care about nonverbal communication. A search of TED Talks on the topic of
nonverbal communication came up with a list of 11 videos. Two of the top 25 TED Talks are focused on nonverbal communication:
“Your body language may shape who you are” and “How to spot a liar.”
So what is nonverbal communication? Why is it such a popular topic?
Defining Nonverbal Communication

According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology (n.d.), nonverbal communication is “the act of conveying information without
the use of words. Nonverbal communication occurs through facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice, and other
physical indications of mood, attitude, approbation, and so forth, some of which may require knowledge of the culture or
subculture to understand.” That definition covers a lot of factors!
Many scholars use the term nonverbal communication to designate those communication cues that express ideas and the meanings
of our words (our “verbal communication”). Matsumoto et. al (2012) define “nonverbal communication as the transfer and
exchange of messages in any and all modalities that do not involve words.” Hall and Knapp (2013) identify “all potentially
informative behaviors that are not purely linguistic in content” as nonverbal cues.”
When we introduce nonverbal communication in our Communication courses, we make the distinction between verbal
communication (the words) and nonverbal communication (everything else!). That even includes how we say the words. We will
discuss this in more detail later on in the chapter, but here is an example for you to think about:
I see that you have a new backpack. I say “Wow, that’s a great backpack.” I could say this in a positive way with my facial
expression and my voice. I could say the same words with a “skeptical” look on my face in a sarcastic tone of voice. I am
using the same set of words, but, with a different nonverbal delivery of those words, I am sending you a different message.
For the purposes of this textbook, we define nonverbal communication as everything that conveys meaning beyond the words
themselves. Nonverbal communication includes the use of all five senses—seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling—in
creating meaning by the speaker/writer and how that meaning is interpreted by the listener/reader.
Many of these nonverbal cues may be visible or auditory. According to Hall and Knapp (2013):
Visible nonverbal cues include facial expressions, head movements, posture, body and hand movements, self and other-
touching, leg positions and movements, interpersonal gaze, directness of interpersonal orientation, interpersonal distance, and
synchrony or mimicry between people. Auditory nonverbal cues include discrete nonlinguistic vocal sounds (e.g., sighs) as
well as qualities of the voice such as pitch and pitch variation, loudness, speed and speed variation, and tonal qualities. This
list does not exhaust the many kinds of nonverbal communication that are present in the human behavioral repertoire.
As stated earlier, even how we say words—vocally or in print—communicate nonverbal messages. For example, we could say
something in a way that shows respect, or we could say the same thing in a disconfirming or even angry tone of voice. We
could also do this in print by the USE OF CAPITALS, which suggest that we are shouting at you. We will talk more about this later
on in the chapter.
Figure 5.2.2 : Emoji thinking by Markus Winkler on Unsplash.

Figure 5.2.2 shows an emoji “thinking” by a hand is placed on the chin while the eyebrows are pointing down. We can look at this
image and interpret those nonverbal cues as communicating that little yellow face as “deep in thought.” So much of our
communication is now “computer-mediated communication.” We are all familiar with the use of :-) (smiley face) and the :-(
(unhappy face). According to the definition in Encyclopedia Britannica (2022), an emoticon "is meant to represent a facial
expression in order to communicate the emotional state of the author…. The word emoticon comes from a combination of the
words emotion and icon." Figure 5.2.3 shows different of emojis.
Figure 5.2.3 : Assorted emojis by Pixaline on Pixabay

During the pandemic, wore a face mask, which had an impact on our nonverbal communication. Even emojis joined in on this
trend. What do the emojis wearing face masks in Figure 5.2.4 represent to you? What do they communicate?
Figure 5.2.4 : Coronavirus has no race by visuals on Unsplash.
Here are a few more questions to think about: Are emoticons and emojis nonverbal communication, verbal communication, or
both? Are they almost a “universal language” that transcends verbal languages because of their common nonverbal meanings?
What cultural differences are there in the use of these images? What do you think?
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Functions of Nonverbal Communication
We engage in nonverbal communication throughout the entire day. It is part of everything we do and say. It’s important for us to
understand how nonverbal communication affects our behavior, perception, interpretations, and understanding. In this section, we
will take a look at some of the roles and functions of nonverbal communication in our daily lives.
Figure 5.3.1 : Two women talking by [email protected] on Unsplash
Persistence of Nonverbal Communication

“You cannot not communicate.” Have you ever heard that expression? Nonverbal communication is always present. We are
constantly communicating through our nonverbal communication. Even silence is a form of communication. Have you ever given
someone the “silent treatment?” If so, you understand that by remaining silent, you are trying to convey some meaning, such as
“You hurt me” or “I’m really upset with you.” When sitting alone in the library, working, your posture may be communicating
something to others. If you need to focus and don’t want to invite communication, you may keep your head down and avoid eye
contact.
We assign meanings to people’s nonverbal behaviors to interpret what they are really saying. For example, if you are having a
conversation with your friend who just broke up with their significant other, your friend’s facial expression, way of standing, rate of
speech, tone of voice, and general appearance will indicate to you how you should respond. If they are sobbing, you might try to
comfort them. If, on the other hand, they smile and sound happy, you might respond by saying, “You seem relieved. Were things
not going well?”
The successful use of nonverbal communication requires an awareness of the value of nonverbal communication and the belief that
it is valuable. When you were a child, did an adult ever say to you something like “It wasn’t what you said, it was how you said it”?
Or perhaps you tried to cover up having a bad day by saying “I had a terrific day at work,” but your roommate countered with “You
said one thing with your words, but your facial expression and tone of voice tell me something different”?
Nonverbal Communication in Initiating Relationships

Nonverbal communication is often the very first way in which we initiate communication. We may make eye contact or connect
through touch, scent, hand gestures, physical appearance, and other nonverbal cues. We often use nonverbal communication to
relay to others an interest in continuing a conversation or leaving a conversation. For example, you may run into a colleague and
strike up a conversation in the hall. The conversation is enjoyable. Your colleague may recognize that they need to get to a meeting
and relates this information to you by looking at their watch, beginning to back away, or looking at the door they need to enter. We
use nonverbal behaviors to begin, continue, and end our interpersonal interactions.
Nonverbal Communication and “Mixed Messages”

A particularly challenging aspect of nonverbal communication is the fact that it is ambiguous. In the 1970s, nonverbal
communication as a topic was trendy. Some were under the impression that we could use nonverbal communication to “read others
like a book.” For example, people claimed that crossed arms signaled to others that a person was closed off. It would be wonderful
if crossing one’s arms signaled only one meaning, but think about the many meanings of crossing one’s arms. An individual may
have crossed arms because the individual is cold, upset, sad, or angry. It is impossible to know unless a conversation is paired with
nonverbal behavior.
Another great example of ambiguous nonverbal behavior is flirting! Consider some very stereotypical behavior of flirting (e.g.,
smiling, laughing, a light touch on the arm, or prolonged eye contact). Each of these behaviors signals interest to others. The
question is whether an individual engaging in these behaviors is indicating romantic interest or a desire for platonic friendship.
Have you ever walked away from a situation and explained a person’s behavior to another friend to determine whether you were
being flirted with? If so, you have undoubtedly experienced the ambiguity of nonverbal communication. It is important to take time
to observe before jumping to conclusions. We need to “tolerate ambiguity” and reflect on possible differences in our nonverbal
communication due to culture. This idea leads us into our next key role of nonverbal communication, which is how nonverbal
communication is influenced by culture.
Nonverbal Communication and Culture

Just as we have discussed that it is beneficial to recognize the value of nonverbal communication, we must also acknowledge that
nonverbal communication is culturally based. Raymond Birdwhistell, an American anthropologist who is recognized for his study
of kinesics, shared the following observation in his book Kinesics and Context: Essays on Body Motion Communication (1970):
A body can be bowed in grief, in humility, in laughter, or in readiness for aggression. A "smile" in one society portrays
friendliness, in another embarrassment, and, in still another may contain a warning that, unless tension is reduced, hostility
and attack will follow.
Successful interactions with individuals from other cultures are partially based on the ability to adapt to or understand the
nonverbal behaviors associated with different cultures. There are two aspects to understanding that nonverbal communication is
culturally based. The first aspect is recognizing that even if we do not know the appropriate nonverbal communication with
someone from another culture, then we must at least acknowledge that we need to be flexible, not react immediately, and ask
questions. The second aspect is recognizing that there are specific aspects of nonverbal communication that differ depending on the
culture. When entering a new culture, we must learn the rules of the culture.
I remember watching an American student at a gathering who, to some of my fellow instructors and me, was engaging in
obvious flirting behavior with a student from Thailand. When I was driving some of my students back to the residence hall, I
asked my student from Thailand how she felt because of all of the flirting behavior that she had received. She said that she
had no idea that the American student had been flirting with her.
As you can see, culture certainly does play a critical role in the use and interpretation of nonverbal communication!
Nonverbal Communication and Trust

Communication scholars agree that the majority of meaning in any interaction is attributable to nonverbal communication. It isn’t
necessarily true, but we are taught from a very early age that lack of eye contact is indicative of lying. We have learned through
research that this “myth” is not necessarily true, although this myth does tell a story about how our culture views nonverbal
communication. That view is simply that nonverbal communication is important and that it has meaning.
Another example of nonverbal communication being trusted may be related to a scenario many have experienced. You may have
been asked to say, “I’m sorry” to someone. Someone might not have believed your sincerity and told you that “it wasn’t what you
said, it was how you said it.”
So now that we have discussed the role and general characteristics of nonverbal communication, let’s jump into a discussion of the
six functions on nonverbal communication in our everyday lives.
5.3: The Roles of Nonverbal Communication in Interpersonal Communication is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed,
and/or curated by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran.
Nonverbal Communication in Interaction
Research into nonverbal communication resulted in the discovery of multiple utilitarian functions of nonverbal communication.
Consider the following six functions of nonverbal communication, which we adapted from "Importance of Nonverbal
Communication in Interaction" (Wrench, et al., 2020):
Complementing
Complementing is defined as nonverbal behavior that is used in combination with the verbal portion of the message to emphasize
the meaning of the entire message. An example of complementing behavior is when a child exclaims, “I’m so excited” while
jumping up and down. The child’s body is emphasizing the meaning of “I’m so excited.”
Contradicting
At times, a person’s nonverbal communication contradicts verbal communication. This is referred to as a “double bind.” Imagine a
situation where a friend says, “The concert was amazing,” but their voice is monotone. Communication scholars refer to this as
“contradicting” verbal and nonverbal behavior. When the verbal and nonverbal messages are incongruent, we tend to believe the
nonverbal communication over verbal communication.
Accenting
Accenting is a form of nonverbal communication that emphasizes a word or a part of a message. The word or part of the message
accented might change the meaning of the message. Gestures paired with a word can provide emphasis, such as when an individual
says, “no (slams hand on table), you don’t understand me.” By slamming the hand on a table while saying “no,” the source draws
attention to the word. Words or phrases can also be emphasized via pauses. Speakers will often pause before saying something
important. Your professors likely pause just before relaying information that is important to the course content (and could very well
appear on the next test!).
Repeating
Nonverbal communication that repeats the meaning of verbal communication assists the receiver by reinforcing the words of the
sender. Nonverbal communication that repeats verbal communication may stand alone, but when paired with verbal
communication, it serves to repeat the message. For example, nodding one’s head while saying “yes” serves to reinforce the
meaning of the word “yes,” and the word “yes” reinforces the head nod.
Regulating
Regulating the flow of communication is often accomplished through nonverbal behavior communication. You may notice your
friends nodding their heads when you are speaking. Nodding one’s head is a primary means of regulating communication. Other
behaviors that regulate conversational flow are eye contact, moving or leaning forward, changing posture and eyebrow raises, to
name a few. You may have noticed several nonverbal behaviors people engage in when trying to exit a conversation. These
behaviors include stepping away from the speaker, checking one’s watch/phone, or packing up belongings. These are referred to as
leave-taking behaviors.
Substituting
At times, nonverbal behavior replaces verbal communication altogether. For example, a friend may ask you what time it is, and you
may shrug your shoulders to indicate you don’t know. At other times, your friend may ask whether you want pizza or sushi for
dinner, and you may shrug your shoulders to indicate you don’t care or have no preference. “Emblems” are a specific type of
substituting nonverbal behavior that have direct verbal translation. Emblems may generally be understood outside of the context in
which they are used. Some highly recognizable emblems in US culture are the peace sign and the OK sign.
What are some of the possible messages being communicated nonverbally by the person in Figure 5.4.1 ? What functions of
nonverbal communication are being displayed by this person’s facial expression?
Figure 5.4.1 : Person making a face by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash
 Charades! Guess the Nonverbals
Objective: Explicitly observe how much we rely on facial expressions, body language, and gestures when communicating.
Directions:
1. Divide the class into two groups.
2. Each group will send a member to pick a card from the deck and act out what is described on the card. During your team’s
turn, you will have 30 seconds to act out and guess.
3. Each correct guess is worth 5 points. Correct answers must include type of nonverbal communication (facial expression,
gesture, or body posture) and the word/phrase being communicated. Note: Some of the meanings may be conveyed through
one, two, or all three “channels” of nonverbal communication. However, the actor must concentrate on conveying what the
card indicates (facial expression, posture, or gesture), and the guessers must guess both type and meaning correctly to get
the points.
Debrief and Discussion:

What types of nonverbals (face, gesture, or body) were easiest/hardest to guess?
What types of nonverbals (face, gesture, or body) were easiest/hardest to act out?
Facial Expression Body Posture Gesture

Anger Sympathy Listen up!

Contempt Anxious Go away!

Disgust Not interested Anger

Fear Bored Victory/Winning

Surprise Bring it on! (Aggressive) Warning

Amusement Confidence I don’t want to hear it!

Awe Anger I can’t hear you.

Concentration Frustration Come here.
Disappointment Guilt Call me.

Pain I’m in control here! Good job!

Confusion Confusion I’m not hiding anything.

Boredom Impatient Here you go.

Naughty Leave me alone! Thank you

Doubt Deep in thought Money

Elation Showing interest Naughty/Shame on you

Guilt Insecurity I’m nervous.

Satisfaction Lying Good luck!

Joy Shy/Introverted Let’s go.
Charades! Guess the Nonverbals by Kim Yee is licensed under CC BY-NC 4.0
This page titled 5.4: The Six Functions of Nonverbal Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Seven Types of Nonverbal Communication
Have you ever seen a mime perform? They never speak one single word yet you are able to understand what they say. That is
because they use general nonverbal codes that we all can interpret. For example, Marcel Marceau was a very famous French actor
and mime. He referred to mime as the "art of silence."
One reason that nonverbal communication is so rich with information is that humans use so many different aspects of behavior,
appearance, and environment to convey meaning. These types of nonverbal communication can vary considerably across cultures.
Figure 5.5.1 identifies the seven types of nonverbal communication that we will examine in this section:
1. Kinesics
2. Vocalics
3. Haptics
4. Proxemics
5. Artifacts and Environment
6. Olfactics
7. Chronemics
Figure 5.5.1 : Types of nonverbal communication by Armeda C. Reitzel is licensed CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
As you read through this section, remember that the cultural patterns embedded in nonverbal codes should be used not as
stereotypes for all members of particular cultures, but rather as tentative guidelines or examples to help you understand the great
variation of nonverbal behavior in humans. Culture influences what nonverbal behaviors mean and how these meanings are
displayed.
Kinesics
Kinesics refers to the study of hand, arm, body, and face movements. We will look specifically at three different types of kinesics:
facial expressions, eye behavior (oculesics) and gestures.
Facial Expressions
You may have heard the expression “a smile is worth a thousand words.” We have been smiling most of our lives, ever since the
fourth week of life. These spontaneous smiles turn into smiles of genuine enjoyment known as Duchenne smiles. What is a
Duchenne smile? According to the Paul Eckmann Group (2022):
FACS [Facial Action Coding System] research has shown that in a true enjoyment smile, the skin above and below the eye is
pulled in towards the eyeball, and this makes for the following changes in appearance: the cheeks are pulled up; the skin
below the eye may bag or bulge; the lower eyelid moves up; crows feet wrinkles may appear at the outer corner of the eye
socket; the skin above the eye is pulled slightly down and inwards; and the eyebrows move down very slightly. A non-
enjoyment smile, in contrast, features the same movement of the lip corners as the enjoyment smile but does not involve the
changes due to the muscles around the eyes.
The photograph in Figure 5.5.2 shows a great example of a Duchenne smile, that “genuine smile.”
Figure 5.5.2 : Smiling girl by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

One of the first foundational studies of culture and emotion was conducted by Paul Ekman and Wallace Freisen in the 1970s. The
research conducted across the world led to the development of the Facial Action Coding System (FACS) that we mentioned earlier.
FACS analyzed specific facial muscle movement associated with specific emotions (Tsai, 2021). Across cultures, individuals were
able to correlate facial movements to specific emotions, leading to the development of what is now known as the seven “universal”
facial expressions. These seven facial expressions include happiness, surprise, contempt, sadness, fear, disgust, and anger.
Examples are depicted in Figure 5.5.3. You might consider the acronym SADFISH as a way to remember these seven universal
facial expressions.
Figure 5.5.3 : The Seven Universal Facial Expression of Emotion from the US Department of Justice CC0
While these universal facial expressions were recognized across cultural groups, research also showed that there were distinct
differences in how each culture interprets and displays these emotions (Tsai, 2021). These became known as cultural display
rules. Cultural display rules are intrinsically held within a culture's norms and standards of behaviors. They help to govern the
types and frequencies of acceptable emotions (Spielman, et al., 2014). Different cultures have different structures of behavior and,
therefore, different rules regarding how they display their emotions.
Research has shown that collectivistic cultures, where social harmony is emphasized, are less likely to showcase negative emotions,
such as disgust or anger, in social settings. Individualistic cultures, where personal self-concept is emphasized, are more likely to
showcase emotions of anger or disgust no matter the social context (Dzokoto et al., 2018). Research suggests that people from
individualistic cultures, like the United States, use exaggerated facial expressions to showcase emotion as a way to influence others
and gain attention from those around them (which is accepted within an individualistic culture). This is opposed to the actions of
people from collectivistic cultures, such as Japan, where the tendency is to suppress or not show their emotional expressions as a
way to observe the social context and interaction between interpersonal relationships. Because collectivistic cultures put primary
concern on the interdependence of the cultural group, emotional displays are direct reflections of the family system, and the
primary driver is to maintain relationships (Anonymous, 2022).
Understanding emotions in the context of culture is important to making sure we are aware of the ways that differences in
communicating emotions may occur. The perception of emotional display rules differs between cultures, where different rules and
norms are established and subconsciously understood amongst members. While these elements are rarely spoken about explicitly
between cultural group members, they impact the way we interpret and communicate emotions in our relationships. Knowing the
ways in which a person may express or not express an emotion will allow us to better regulate our own emotional reaction as well.
We rely on reading facial expressions so much in our interpersonal interactions. This was quite a challenge when we needed to
wear face masks during the COVID-19 pandemic. About 50% of our face was covered with some sort of cloth or covering. This
often created some ambiguity when it came to deciphering what a person might be saying. In addition, Deaf individuals were not
able to see the movement of the lips, face, or tongue to engage in lip reading when their conversation partner’s nose and mouth
were covered. Some people, such as the person in Figure 5.5.4, started wearing masks with a clear mouth window so that at least
their mouth could be seen.
Figure 5.5.4 : Showing a smile under a COVID-19 face mask by Armeda C. Reitzel is licensed CCBY-NC-SA 4.0
Oculesics
The study of eye contact is known as oculesics. Eye contact provides indications of social and emotional information. People,
perhaps without consciously doing so, probe each other’s eyes and faces for signs of positive or negative mood. Eye contact can
establish a sense of intimacy between two individuals, such as the gazes of lovers or the eye contact involved in flirting.
Alternatively, avoiding eye contact can establish distance between people. When in crowds, people tend to avoid eye contact in
order to maintain privacy. The customs involving eye contact vary widely between cultures. Muslims are taught to lower their
gazes and try not to focus on the features of the opposite sex, except for the hands and face. Japanese children are taught to direct
their gaze at the region of their teacher’s Adam’s apple or tie knot. As adults, Japanese tend to lower their eyes when speaking to a
superior as a gesture of respect. In Eastern Africa, it is respectful not to look the dominant person in the eye, whereas such
avoidance of eye contact is negatively interpreted in Western cultures. It is important to keep in mind that eye contact is culturally
determined (LibreTexts, 2021).
Gestures
Gestures are movements of the body that carry meaning. Gestures may be categorized as emblems, illustrators, affect displays, or
regulators.
Emblems
Emblems are gestures that correspond to a word and an agreed-on meaning. Many gestures are emblems that have a verbal
equivalent in a culture. Since emblems are culturally determined, you might run into instances of ambiguity or miscommunication.
For example, in the United States the “everything is OK or good” is represented by the index finger touching the thumb so that a
“ring” is made. When we teach classes to international students, we avoid using this nonverbal gesture because it could mean very
different things in different cultures, from “money” in Japanese culture to offensive meanings in other cultures.
Illustrators
While emblems can be used as direct substitutions for words, illustrators help emphasize or explain an idea. Think about a person
who went fishing and then shows how big that fish that they caught was by extending their arms to show its size.
Affect Displays
Affect displays show feelings and emotions. Consider how music and sports fans show enthusiasm. It is not uncommon to see
people jumping up and down at sports events during a particularly exciting moment in a game. However, there are different norms
depending on the sport. It would be inappropriate to demonstrate the same nonverbal gestures at a golf or tennis game as a football
game. The gesture displayed in Figure 5.5.5 shows the “pure joy” of a person who just made a strike.
Figure 5.5.5 : A man smiling in a bowling alley by Pavel Danilyuk on Pexels

Regulators
Gestures that help coordinate the flow of conversation, such as when you shrug your shoulders or wink, are called regulators.
Raising your hand during class indicates that you want to say something. Even the Zoom videoconferencing platform uses a “raise
hand” icon to help regulate communication during a session. Regulators often include head nods, eye contact or aversion and
changes in posture. They are considered to be turn-taking cues in conversation. Individuals may sit back when listening but shift
forward to indicate a desire to speak. Eye contact shifts frequently during a conversation to indicate listening or a desire to speak.
Head nods are used as a sign of listening and often indicate that the speaker should continue speaking.
 Consider This: Five Common US Hand Gestures that Are Insulting in Other Cultures
We think nothing of using the following gestures in our everyday interactions with each other here in the United States. Like
words, these gestures don’t mean anything until we assign meanings to them. In the United States, these gestures have
harmless interpretations. However, in other countries, using these very same gestures can have dire consequences as they have
very different meanings.
Gesture Meanings and Contexts
Graphic of Nonverbal Meaning in United States Meaning Elsewhere
Considered a very rude gesture in the following

countries: Australia, Sardinia, Iran, Nigeria,
Positive meanings including: everything
Ghana, and Soviet Union.
is good/OK, and good going.
If counting - In Germany “thumbs up” = !; in
Japan “thumbs up” = 5
Thumbs-Up by Tumisu from Pixabay
Wish for luck or good results. Sometimes

This same gesture in Vietnam is equivalent to us
used by children as an excuse to tell a
“giving someone the bird.”
little lie or break a promise made.
Fingers-Crossed by Evan-Amos from
Wikimedia Commons
Graphic of Nonverbal Meaning in United States Meaning Elsewhere
In the South of France this means “zero” or

“worthless.”
In Japan, this is a symbol for money because it
looks like the shape of a coin.
OK; good; everything is fine.
In Brazil, this indicates female private parts
and is considered extremely rude.
Kid saying OK from Freesgv.org Public
It is also insulting in Malta, Sardinia, Greece,
Domain
Tunisia, Italy, Turkey, and Paraguay.
Hang loose = chill; be relaxed; don’t

take things too seriously
Rock on = positive exclamation
In Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Cuba, Spain,
Sign of the horns from Freesgv.org Public expressing enthusiasm, excitement
Italy and Portugal this is a sign that tells
Domain Hook ‘em Horns = official hand sign
someone their spouse is cheating.
of various universities in the United
In some African countries, flashing this gesture
States whose mascot has some kind of
indicates you’re placing a curse on them.
horns (University of Texas, Austin,
Texas Christian University, North
Hand sign by ChininiProductions from Carolina State, North Dakota State).
Pixabay
In the United States, this sign (with the

palm facing in or out) can have several In Ireland, United Kingdom, Australia, New
meanings, none of which are negative. It Zealand, and South Africa, displaying this same
could mean “peace.” It could also signal gesture with the back of the hand facing outward is
“V” for victory, or it could signal the an obscene and insulting gesture.
Hand-man-number from pxhere.com CC0 number “2.”
1. Have you come across misunderstandings as a result of using one of the above gestures? Briefly discuss what happened.
2. What are some other nonverbals you have come across that could have very different meanings and/or cause
confusion/misunderstandings from culture to culture?
3. Do you know of any universal gestures? Explain.
Video Resources
American Hand Gestures in Different Cultures: 7 Ways to Get Yourself in Trouble Abroad
How to Describe Hand Gestures in English
Gestures Around the World
Handshake Etiquette Around the World
Vocalics
Vocalics focuses not on the words that we choose, but the manner in which we say the words using our vocal cords. It includes the
study of paralanguage, which is the set of physical mechanisms that we use to produce sounds orally. These mechanisms involve
the throat, nasal cavities, tongue, lips, mouth, and jaw. The specific aspects of vocalics that we will focus on are pitch, pace,
disfluencies, and volume.
Pitch
Pitch is how harmonically high or low you say something. The rate at which your vocal folds vibrate in your throat are responsible
for the pitch of your voice. Low-frequency vibrations make for a lower-pitched sound, while higher frequency vibrations make for
a higher-pitched sound. If you end the sentence on a high note (known as “uptalk”), you might be perceived as sounding uncertain
about the claim (Linneman, 2013). If you end it on a low pitch, it might sound like you are stating a fact confidently.
Pace
Pace refers to how quickly you utter your words. Often, beginning public speakers will talk fast out of nervousness or too much
excitement. Their area of improvement then is learning to slow down to allow the audience to “digest” the words. In high-energy
humorous speeches, the speaker might talk faster, whereas in more serious dramatic speeches, the speaker would slow down to
build the drama.
The use of pauses is a natural aspect of pacing. There are two types of pauses: grammatical and non-grammatical. Grammatical
pauses are used to highlight something in a sentence or to build suspense. An example would be a host saying, “And the winner is
... Corey,” where the ellipsis (...) is a pause to build suspense. Non-grammatical pauses are not planned and may occur when a
speaker loses their train of thought or is self-correcting.
Disfluencies
Both grammatical and non-grammatical pauses can either be filled or unfilled. Unfilled pauses have no sounds associated with
them; they are pure silence. Filled pauses have some kind of noise associated with them, typically “uhh” and “umm.” The use of
these non-grammatical sounds as pauses are known as disfluencies. Disfluencies can also include the repetitive use of a word
during a pause, such as “like,” “so,” or “and.”
Volume
Volume refers to the loudness (prosody) of the language being spoken. You might have a friend who is a “loud talker” and can be
heard from far distances having conversations with someone within social distance. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you may
have a friend who is a “soft talker” who may be hard to hear in loud settings. In any case, we may have expectations for volume in
certain settings. At a football game, loudness is encouraged by fellow fans. In a fine-dining romantic restaurant, soft-talking is
expected by fellow patrons.
Haptics
Haptics is the study of communication by touch. Touch may indicate liking, attraction, or dominance. It is a form of
communication that can be used to initiate, regulate, and maintain relationships. It is a very powerful form of communication that
can be used to communicate messages ranging from comfort to power. Duration, frequency, and intensity of touch can be used to
convey liking, attraction, or dominance. Duration refers to the length of time of a touch. Frequency is how often touch is used.
Intensity is the amount of pressure that is applied. Touch is a powerful interpersonal tool along with voice and body movement.
Proxemics
The study of proxemics, which is the study of communication through space, was strongly influenced by the anthropologist
Edward T. Hall back in the 1968. He categorized space into four “distances” based on observations of the use of space in cultures,
such as the United States.
1. Intimate space: The intimate zone is typically reserved for only the closest friends, family, and romantic/intimate partners. It
involves any communication that is 18 inches or less from a person’s body. It is impossible to completely ignore people when
they are in this space, even if we are trying to pretend that we’re ignoring them. While some people are comfortable engaging in
or watching others engage in PDAs (public displays of affection) others are not.
2. Personal space: The personal zone is typically reserved for friends, close acquaintances, and significant others. Much of our
communication occurs in the personal zone, which is what we typically think of as our “personal space bubble” and extends
from 18 inches to 4 feet away from our body.
3. Social distance: Communication that occurs in the social zone, which is 4 to 12 feet away from our body, is typically in the
context of a professional or casual interaction. This distance is preferred in many professional settings because it reduces the
suspicion of any impropriety. The expression “keep someone at an arm’s length” means that someone is kept out of the personal
space and kept in the social/professional space. If two people held up their arms and stood so that just the tips of their fingers
were touching, they would be around 4 feet away from each other, which is perceived as a safe distance. Students in large
lecture classes should consider sitting within the social zone of the professor, since students who sit within this zone are more
likely to be remembered by the professor, be acknowledged in class, and retain more information because they are close enough
to take in important nonverbal and visual cues.
4. Public distance: Public space starts about 12 feet from a person and extends out from there. This is the least personal of the
four zones. It is typically used when a person is engaging in a formal speech. It would be difficult to have a deep conversation
with someone at this level because you have to speak louder and don’t have the physical closeness that is often needed to
promote emotional closeness and/or establish rapport.
Figure 5.5.6 : Hall’s Zones of Interpersonal Distance created by Armeda Reitzel CC BY-NC-SA 4.0.
You may read a full description here: Hall's Four Zones of Interpersonal Distance
You might be questioning Hall’s “social” zone of distance, because a new phrase entered our everyday vocabulary in 2020: social
distancing. During the COVID-19 pandemic, social distancing became a that concept we saw and talked about. That term has been
replaced with the phrase physical distancing.
What is physical distancing? “Physical distancing is the practice of staying at least 6 feet away from others to avoid catching a
disease such as COVID-19” (Maragakis, 2020). Figure 5.5.7 displays the outline of two shoe prints along with the verbal
explanation to “Please help by keeping a safe distance of 6 feet. Thank you for social distancing.”
Figure 5.5.7 : Please help by keeping a safe distance of 6 feet. Thank you for social distancing. by Elizabeth McDaniel on
Unsplash.
A song that became popular again during the early days of the pandemic was “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” There was a remix of
the song done by Sting, Jimmy Fallon, and The Roots using the Zoom conferencing platform and at-home instruments in April
2020. You might consider checking it out at “Jimmy Fallon, Sting & The Roots Remix "Don't Stand So Close to Me" (At-Home
Instruments).”
Artifacts and Environment

Artifacts are items with which we adorn our bodies or that we carry with us. Artifacts include glasses, jewelry, canes, shoes,
clothing, or any object associated with our body that communicates meaning. That includes tattoos and piercings!
Tattoos have become mainstream among young people in the United States and elsewhere. Now there are policies for each branch
of the military as to what and where tattoos are permitted (DePastino, 2021). Even Disney has updated its policy, according to Josh
D'Amaro, chairman of Disney Parks, Experiences and Products:
Our new approach provides greater flexibility with respect to forms of personal expression surrounding gender-inclusive
hairstyles, jewelry, nail styles, and costume choices; and allowing appropriate visible tattoos. We’re updating them to not
only remain relevant in today’s workplace, but also enable our cast members to better express their cultures and individuality
at work. (D’Amaro, 2021)
Keep in mind that tattoos in different cultures, communities, and countries may still have a negative connotation. What do the
tattoos in Figure 5.5.8 communicate to you nonverbally?
Figure 5.5.8 : Woman with Tattoo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Clothing stimulates meaning. For example, my father always asked me, “How do you know if someone is a priest, painter, judge,
police officer, or doctor?” It is because they have a uniform that represents that profession. Dress and physical appearance can be
important identifiers for membership in particular groups. What do the casual sweatshirt and shorts worn by the person in Figure
5.5.9 say to you? How does the environment that this person is in affect your reading of their clothing?
Figure 5.5.9 : Appearance by Aiman Zenn on Unsplash

Differences in power and status may be seen in the size and location of an office. Even the presence or absence of a window might
influence perceptions. Think about your reactions to someone with a spacious office with expensive-looking furniture and wall-
hangings and a huge window overlooking a great view versus someone in a tiny, cramped cubicle with cheap particle-board
furniture and no windows. Even classrooms are designed in different ways that may encourage group interactions or keep the
students’ focus on the front of the room and the instructor.
Olfactics
The sense of smell communicates messages. The term olfactics refers to the influence of scent on perceptions. Does the smell of
gingerbread bring back fond, positive memories of holidays when the kitchen was full of those delicious cookies that you used to
make (and eat!) when you visited your grandparents? Have you ever purchased a candle or a particular type of bubble bath because
of its scent, which perhaps reminded you of something positive?
Scent can draw others in or repel them, and the same scent can have different affects on different people. The United States places a
lot of emphasis on smell. Consider the impact of failing to manage one’s natural scent in the workplace. Countless articles in the
popular media address how to deal with a “smelly coworker.” Thus, it is crucial to be aware of one’s scent, including the ones we
wear in an effort not to offend those around us. Although smelling “bad” may end a relationship or at least create distance, an
attractive scent may help individuals begin a new relationship. Have you ever purchased a new scent before a first date? If so, you
are aware of the power of scent to attract a mate.
Although we regularly try to cover our scent, we also attempt to control the scent of our environments. The air freshener market in
2016 was valued at $1.62 billion US dollars. Go to your local grocery store and investigate the number of products available to
enhance environmental scents. Be prepared to spend a significant amount of time taking in the many products to keep our
environments “fresh.” Remember that what is considered “pleasant” or “smelly” is culturally based.
Chronemics
Chronemics refers to the study of how time affects communication. Time can be classified into several different categories,
including biological, personal, and cultural time (Andersen, 1999).
Biological Time
The rhythms of living things are referred to as biological time. When our natural rhythms are disturbed, by all-nighters or jet lag,
our physical and mental health and our communication competence and personal relationships can suffer. Keep biological time in
mind as you communicate with others. Early morning conversations and speeches may require more preparation to get yourself
awake enough to communicate well. A more energetic delivery may be needed to accommodate others who may still be getting
warmed up for their day.
Personal Time
The way we experience time is referred to as personal time. This varies based on our mood, interest level, and other factors. Think
about how quickly time passes when you are engaged in something that really interests you. People with past-time orientations may
want to reminisce about the past, reunite with old friends, and put considerable time into preserving memories in scrapbooks, photo
albums and on Instagram. People with future-time orientations may spend their time making career and personal plans, writing to-
do lists, researching future vacation spots or deciding what program they’re going to binge-watch next month.
Cultural Time
How a large group of people view time is called cultural time. There are cultures that tend to value polychronic time. There are
other cultures that operate on monochronic time. The term polychronic contains the idea of “many” (poly) and refers to the idea
of many things happening in a fluid, flexible fashion. Polychronic people tend to engage in multiple activities at the same time and
do not create specific time frames to work on particular tasks. We might view such people as “simultaneous multitaskers” who
juggle multiple activities and people at the same time. Time is not seen as linear, and schedules may be regarded as only
suggestions. For example, polychronic people tend to “go with the flow.” They would never think of telling someone when a party
is scheduled to end. Why? They would say that it is because a party ends when it is over.
Monochronic people tend to schedule their time more rigidly and focus on one task at a time. They make schedules and stick to
them as much as possible. Events begin at a specific time and they end at a specific time. An invitation to a party hosted by a
monochronic person might even announce an ending time as well as a start time for the festivities. A monochronic person might
interpret the behavior of a polychronic person as rude or uncaring because they did not bother to show up on time. A polychronic
person may perceive a monochronic person as uptight or harsh because they seem to care more about time than about people. As
you can see, our concepts about time influences our social realities and how we perceive and interact with others.
Our status may influence the way that we view and use time. For example, doctors can make their patients wait, and executives and
celebrities may run consistently behind schedule, making others wait for them. Promptness and the amount of time that is socially
acceptable for lateness and waiting varies among individuals and contexts. One of the authors is an English as a second language
teacher-trainer who has traveled all over the globe, and can share the following: "The sense of time definitely differs from culture
to culture. I learned to be flexible about the start time for my workshop sessions in Nicaragua. When I was in Germany, a train
conductor apologized to the whole trainload of passengers for arriving one minute late to a stop."\
What instances of time differences have you experienced that may have been influenced by culture?
Nonverbal Communication in Different Settings

Nonverbal communication covers a lot of territory. It’s important to consider our nonverbal communication in different contexts:
from the classroom to the grocery store to the courtroom to the job interview. Think about the different situations that you find
yourself in and how you might need to adjust your nonverbal communication to fit the circumstances. How would you characterize
the role of nonverbal communication with friends and family? How is that the same or different from the nonverbal communication
appropriate in a professional setting? Let’s take a quick look at recommendations to healthcare professionals in interacting with
their patients for a context-specific example.
Figure 5.5.10 : A doctor looking forward and thinking by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash.
 Example 5.5.1: Example of nonverbal communication in a specific context: Healthcare settings
There is great interest in the study and teaching of confirming nonverbal behaviors in interpersonal communication in
healthcare contexts.
In addition to effective verbal communication, nonverbal behavior is critically important for achieving patient
satisfaction, adherence to treatment, and shared medical decisions. Patients are calling for more compassionate care, and
the government and third-party payers are now basing hospital reimbursement on patient satisfaction ratings. (Reiss &
Kraft-Todd, 2014)
For example, a doctor will focus on a patient’s facial expressions and tone of voice to tap into their concerns while a patient
relies on a doctor’s nonverbal behavior to figure out what the doctor means (Ishikawa, et al., 2006). Patients have identified
eye contact as being significant in their interactions with their doctors. According to Timmermann, Uhrenfeldt,
and Birkelund, "Eye contact substantiated the patients' experience of being confirmed. Simultaneously, it became apparent that
eye contact alone was not enough for the patients to feel confirmed. It was the body language as a whole that the patients
interpreted" (2017).
There are two acronyms that address how nonverbal communication might be used effectively in healthcare settings:
EMPATHY is one; SOFTEN is the other. As suggested by Reiss and Kraft-Todd (2014), a healthcare professional should show
empathy by paying attention and listening to the nonverbal communication of their patients:
E = Eye contact
M =Muscles of facial expression
P= Posture
A = Affect
T = Tone of voice
H = Hearing the whole patient
Y = Your response).
Roger (2002) shared a framework proposed by Joan Damsey for making patients feel more comfortable through positive
nonverbal communication behavior. The acronym SOFTEN captures the key suggestions:
S = Smile. This can create a positive interactional climate that can lead to more open communication between the
healthcare professional and the patient.
O = Open posture. An open posture (no crossed arms or legs) indicates a willingness to listen to what the patient has to
share.
F = Forward lean. This may suggest to the patient that you want to listen to them.
T = Touch. A touch can signal a positive nonverbal message and provide some information about how the patient is feeling.
E = Eye contact. Maintaining eye contact for about 80% of the time may make the patient feel as if you are focusing your
attention and efforts on them.
N = Nod. Nodding occasionally tells the patients that the healthcare professional is listening to them and what they have to
say.
These specific suggested nonverbal cues tend to be confirming communication behaviors and can actually lead to a faster,
more productive exchange of information.
So, as you can see, nonverbal communication is important in establishing a positive communication climate between patients
and healthcare professionals. Would you like to learn more about this topic? Then check out this resource on “Basic Non-
verbal Communication Skills” in a healthcare setting.
Figure 5.5.11 : Healthcare professional with a patient by the National Cancer Institute on Unsplash.
This page titled 5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated
by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Summary
This chapter has covered a very big topic in interpersonal communication: nonverbal communication. What is nonverbal
communication? It refers to how we express ourselves beyond words, including how we say the words. We discussed the roles,
functions, and types of nonverbal communication that we find in our everyday lives.
There are lots of articles, books and videos about nonverbal communication because people find it so intriguing because of its
significance and pervasiveness in our interpersonal interactions. Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk does a good job of summing up the
critical role that nonverbal communication plays in our interactions and our own identities:
So when we think of nonverbals, we think of how we judge others, how they judge us and what the outcomes are. We tend to
forget, though, the other audience that's influenced by our nonverbals, and that's ourselves. We are also influenced by our
nonverbals, our thoughts and our feelings and our physiology. (Cuddy, 2012)
A good understanding of how nonverbal communication influences our identity and our interactions with others is vital in
becoming a better interpersonal communicator.
 Consider This: Nonverbal Immediacy
Building and maintaining relationships are central to healthy human existence. Immediacy behaviors, both verbal and
nonverbal, are important in the building and maintenance of relationships. Nonverbal immediacy refers to behaviors that
decrease “real or perceived physical and psychological distance between communicators” (Comadena et al., 2007). For
example, posture, gestures, touching, smiling, eye contact, and even tone of voice can indicate approachability of an individual.
Of course, cultural background, gender, individual preferences, and context are some factors that influence these behaviors and
cues.
Figure 5.6.1 : Upper School Teachers greet their new students by San Antonio Academy of Texas from Flickr CC BY-NC 2.0
You can assess your nonverbal immediacy by taking the Nonverbal Immediacy Scale developed by Virginia Richmond, James
McCrotsky, and Aaron Johnson in 2003. The interactive version of the Nonverbal Immediacy Scale is a 26-item test that can be
completed in 4 to 8 minutes. Upon completion, your results are automatically calculated. You will also be able to explore the
Statistical Properties and Correlations of the Nonverbal Immediacy Scale. Higher scores suggest that one is more
approachable, friendly, and warm.
1. Think of a teacher or boss with whom you liked and got along. What nonverbal immediacy behaviors did they exhibit that
made you feel comfortable?
2. Before taking the self-inventory below, predict whether you would score high, medium, or low, on nonverbal immediacy
(high = you’re very approachable). Then take the self inventory below. Think about your own nonverbal immediacy
behaviors. Did the results match your prediction? Explain why or why not.
3. Does your nonverbal immediacy vary from situation to situation and/or person to person? Or do you feel your nonverbal
immediacy behaviors remain consistent. Explain.
1. Have you ever communicated with someone outside of your culture? How were their nonverbals similar to your own, or
different?
2. Have you ever had your nonverbal cues misinterpreted? For example, someone thought you liked them because your proxemics
suggested an intimate relationship. How did you correct the misinterpretation?
3. What kind of nonverbal communication do you use every day? What does it accomplish for you?
4. Which do you consider has greater weight when interpreting a message from someone else, verbal or nonverbal
communication? Why?
5. Research shows that instruction in nonverbal communication can lead people to make gains in their nonverbal communication
competence. List some nonverbal skills that you think are important in each of the following contexts: academic, professional,
personal, and civic.
6. To understand how chronemics relates to nonverbal communication norms, answer the following questions: In what situations
is it important to be early? In what situations can you arrive late? How long would you wait on someone you were meeting for a
group project for a class? A date? A job interview?
5.6: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, &
Rebeca Moran.
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5.7: References is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran.
5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication by Armeda Reitzel, Kim Yee, & Rebeca Moran is licensed CC BY 4.0.
5.8: Case Study
Cultural Appropriation: High School Celebrates Graduating Seniors with “Senores/Senoritas” Dress-
Up Day
In the United States, we have a cultural tradition of dressing up for Halloween. This tradition dates back to ancient Celtic beliefs.
Basically, in order to protect themselves from evil spirits on New Year’s Even when the boundary between the living and the dead
was most accessible, people hid behind animal skin costumes. Over the many hundreds of years, dressing up in costume has
become less about hiding from spirits and more about the nonverbal expression of individuality. This case study looks at an
extreme case of dress-up that went horribly wrong and showed cultural appropriation at its worst and most offensive. The
importance of this case study shows that cultivating and improving cultural intelligence is a necessary communication skill in
today’s global environment.
Back in 2012, an Orange County high school made headlines with a dress-up day titled “Senores and Senoritas Day,” which was
supposed to be a play on the word seniors. Canyon High School is located in Anaheim, California, and this event was intended to
be a spirit day celebrating graduating seniors and California’s Mexican heritage. This event dates to at least 2009. According to the
US Census Bureau American Community Survey, Hispanics/Latinos made up 52.8% of this city’s population between 2008 and
2012. It made sense to celebrate Hispanic heritage by highlighting some of the nonverbal elements of culture such as clothing,
food, communication, and body language. However, the school’s administration did not properly specify guidelines for this event
and broadly announced for students to wear Hispanic-themed attire.
As a result, students showed up to school dressed as US Border Patrol agents, immigration agents, gardeners, a pregnant woman
pushing a baby stroller, and gang members with bandanas and teardrop tattoos. While these may seem like extreme examples,
could students have dressed up in anything that did not perpetuate stereotypes? Even with clear guidelines, how does one avoid
reducing the Hispanic culture to stereotypes and caricatures? How did the administration not see that this event was the epitome of
cultural appropriation?
Figure 5.8.1 : Canyon Students Cultural Appropriation http://instagram.com/p/LjJMsep9IR

A former student raised concerns during his senior year but was told by an unidentified administrator to “get a sense of humor” (Do
& Rojas, 2012). Upon taking a Chicano Studies class in college, he was motivated to take his concerns to the district level and
insist they investigate. After an internal investigation, which included interviews with students and staff, a review of emails, and
social media postings, it was found that, “There was a lack of oversight/supervision and that the school administration should not
have allowed this activity.” The report also stated: “Even if strict guidelines were provided the result would still lead to hurtful and
demeaning messages about Mexican culture and to the students of Mexican, Hispanic, and Latino descent” (Orange
Communication System, 2012a).
Arya (2021) points out that recognizing that there “is an asymmetry of power between two cultures that involves the
majority/dominant culture taking from the marginalized culture” vital to understanding cultural appropriation. She notes, “Cultural
appropriation is important because it concerns the phenomenon of exploitation that has existed historically and continues to do so
between cultures of unequal power” (Ayra, 2021). While Anaheim’s Hispanic population was near 53%, Canyon High School was
in the more affluent area of Anaheim Hills. At that time, the Los Angeles Times California Schools Guide reported about 55% of
the students at Canyon HS were White compared to 16% Latino. Additionally, only 8% of the faculty was Latino, while white
faculty dominated at 87% (“Enough Is Enough, Student Said of Seniores, Senoritas Day,” 2012).
At the conclusion of the district’s investigative report, Leal and Langhorne (2012) reported in the Orange County Register that the
district required:
The high school’s administrators to complete sensitivity training
The principal to address the inappropriateness of the dress up event in parent communication
The school to sponsor an “International Week” to acknowledge and appreciate cultural diversity
The school to enact a thorough review process for all proposed activities to consider what might go wrong and who it may
offend
You may watch a YouTube video on the event here: High School Cancels Demeaning Costume Event.
While this problem may seem to have been resolved, upon further digging, it was discovered that Greg Bowden, the principal of
this high school, had been involved in previous district controversies. Back in 1988, Bowden was the band director at another high
school in the district when the Associated Student Body and members of the pep squad donned afros and blackface to perform as
the Jackson Five (San Roman, 2012). In 2008, Bowden and Canyon High School were at the center of a shocking physical and
verbal bullying incident where a student was being called “faggot” and received no support from the administration. The real
question is, “How did this individual continue to move up in the district without any repercussions and continue to overlook blatant
cultural insensitivities?” (Orange Communication System, 2012a)
1. Define cultural appropriation. How does this case exemplify cultural appropriation?
2. What role does nonverbal communication play in cultural appropriation?
3. Cultural appreciation and celebrations are common on school campuses. What can be learned from this case to set “appropriate”
tones for future celebrations?
4. Examine the consequences levied upon the school as a result of the investigation. Are these meaningful consequences from
which the school and community can learn?
5. What other examples of cultural appropriation can you think of that we, as a society, need to rectify?
5.8: Case Study is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
6: Listening
Describe the five stages of the listening process.
Explain the functions and styles of listening.
Identify barriers and ineffective listening practices.
Describe ways to become a better listener.
As a communication act, listening is often underestimated when compared with other forms of communication. Although all
communication skills are important for success in life and relationships, listening is at the heart of effective relational
communication. In this chapter, we explain the listening process, stages of listening, functions of listening, styles of listening,
barriers and pitfalls to effective listening, and how to become a better listener. Our goal is to help you become the best listener you
can be in all relationships and in all contexts.
6.9: References
This page titled 6: Listening is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Victoria Leonard & Elizabeth
Coleman (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Listening: The Heart of Effective Communication
As Jamal was watching Monday night football, his partner needed to discuss their upcoming vacation to Cancun. Shenise had a list
of questions for him. During what she perceived to be a pause in the action, she approached him with three questions: "Is flying in
the evening fine with you? Do you care if we pay for one extra bag? Can we pay for our seats in advance to make sure we sit
together?" Jamal’s answers were, in order, “sure, no, yeah.” Given the brevity of his responses, Shenise had this feeling that he
really wasn’t listening to her. So she went up to ask him one last question: “Jamal, do you care if I hit on some other guys while we
are there?” Jamal’s response was, “no problem.” This is when Shenise went and stood in front of the television screen, at which
point Jamal said angrily, “What are you doing? I’m trying to watch the game!” Chances are pretty high you have experienced or
observed a scenario like this. We are susceptible to not giving others our full attention when they are speaking.
As a communication act, listening is often underestimated when compared with other forms of communication. Although all
communication skills are important for success in life and relationships, listening is at the heart of effective relational
communication. In this chapter we explain the listening process, stages of listening, functions of listening, styles of listening,
barriers and pitfalls to effective listening, and how to become a better listener. Our goal is to help you become the best listener you
can be in all relationships and in all contexts.
The Importance of Listening

Listening may seem like a natural skill, but there is much more to this communicative act than it appears on the surface. To help
you improve your own listening skills, you must have a better understanding of why listening is so important and what is involved
in the listening process.
When my daughter was 5 years old she came up to me one day as I was working on my computer. As someone who
professed to be an efficient multitasker, I acknowledged what she was saying with a series of head nods and “uh huh’s.” She
said, "Mommy, are you listening to me?" and I responded affirmatively with “yes.” She grabbed my face and said, "I know
you can hear me, but you are not listening." I felt awful because she was absolutely correct. I was too focused on my
computer to give her my full attention, thinking that my head nods conveyed I was listening. Yet my daughter was not feeling
heard. As a result, I realized how important it is to fully listen to my daughter, so she does not feel dismissed, unseen, or
unappreciated.
Even as communication scholars, we experience difficulties with listening. In fact, listening is considered the most challenging area
of communication in general. As communicators we spend a lot of time thinking about what we want to say and the best way to say
it. As a result, there is less time spent on the listening process. Graham Bodie et al., (2020), as cited by McCornack, states that “As
adults, we spend more time listening than we do in any other type of communication activity: research suggests as much as two-
thirds of our communication time is spent listening” (McCornack, 2018, p. 177). If we consider the length of an average waking
day as being 16 hours, we could assume that almost 11 hours a day is spent listening. In exploring how college students engage in
listening, research reveals that
Listening comprises 55.4% of the total average communication day followed by reading (17.1%), speaking (16.1%), and
writing (11.4%). Each of these communication behaviors includes some aspect of internet use. College students spend as
much time listening to media as they do engaged in interpersonal interaction. (Emanuel et al., 2008)
Research exploring the lives of college students shows that they spend about 45–55% of their day listening (Barker et al.,1981;
Emanuel et al., 2008). In the Journal of Business Communication, Keyton et al. (2013) stated that “listening” was the most
prominent communication skill observed by adults in their place of employment. Whether you are listening in class, at work, or to
friends, this form of communication takes up much of our day. Listening allows us to learn new information, connect with others,
and learn about ourselves, but we are not born with this skill. As you read this chapter you will gain insight into the complexities of
the listening process and be able to identify your own listening styles and challenges. Becoming a better listener will allow you to
be a more productive student, a better relational partner, and a more successful professional.
Figure 6.1.1 : Disabled and Here By Chona Kasinger is licensed CC-BY 4.0
The Listening Process

If you are like many people, you may have gotten the word listening and hearing confused. We may ask someone, “Did you hear
me?” when in reality what we really mean is “Were you listening to me?” Hearing is the physiological process of taking in sound.
Whether you hear a thunderstorm or music, when sound waves hit your ears, your brain enables you to make sense of what you
heard. It is one of the senses humans may have, but the ability to hear does not mean you listen well. Listening is a more complex
process that is learned. Listening is an active process where we make sense of, interpret, and respond to the messages we receive.
Without mindfulness, effective listening cannot occur. Mindfulness refers to being present in the moment, with increased
awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and communication behaviors. Think of mindfulness as being the center of the listening
process. As you go through the stages of listening, mindfulness should be at the heart of each stage. Although listening may seem
like it should be a fairly simple process, there are several steps. Just as you learned these steps occur so rapidly that we may not
even realize we are doing them.
This page titled 6.1: Introduction to Listening is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Victoria Leonard
& Elizabeth Coleman (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
The Six Steps in Listening
Have you ever baked a cake or followed a new recipe for dinner? If you have, then you are aware that you needed to follow a series
of steps to get to the end result. When we listen to others, we rarely stop to consider that there are multiple steps involved in the
listening process. On the surface, listening seems less complex than baking. However, there are several stages of listening that
occur rapidly, involving many nuances that impact how well we listen. In this section, we explain each stage of the listening
process, including receiving, attending, interpreting, recalling, evaluating, and responding to messages.
Receiving
In Chapter 1 you learned about how messages are received, which builds the foundation for the listening process. Receiving is
taking in information using our auditory and visual senses. Hearing is one of our senses that allows us to receive messages through
sound. Sight is also important because visual cues can influence how you receive a message. Therefore, before you get to any other
stage in the listening process, you must receive stimuli. As we listen to someone speak, we may not consciously realize how
important these channels are, but they influence how we interpret messages.
 Did You Know?
In Chapter 3, you learned the definition of culture and were provided with some examples of co-cultures. One co-culture that is
important to address is Deaf culture. The 2022 Academy Awards highlighted this co-culture by awarding the Best Picture
Oscar to the movie CODA. The movie provided insight into the Deaf community in a unique way that was magnificent.
Individuals with varying amounts of hearing loss may not receive a message if they are unable to hear it, and would have more
difficulty in the receiving stage of the listening process. The movie appropriately highlighted that deafness and hearing loss can
occur at any age. Communicating with a person who has hearing loss requires thought and skill regardless of how old they are.
We want to also highlight another co-culture because it involves a group of individuals whose hearing loss is specific to age.
Older adults are considered to be those who are 65 and older. Normal aging results in a slow down of reflexes and processing.
Older adults also suffer from presbycusis, which is the normal hearing loss associated with age. Whether one has hearing loss
associated with age (presbycusis), or is someone who had hearing loss early in life, it is more difficult for deaf or hearing
impaired individuals to distinguish certain sounds.
Whether your communication is with someone young, or older, how can you attempt to communicate with them so that they
can listen more effectively? According to scholar Jake Harwood (2017), sounds like “s” or “th” can be difficult to distinguish,
especially when the communication is taking place in an environment that is noisy. To allow for optimum communication, it is
best to place any person with hearing loss in a location that has three walls around them. Have them sit at the back wall and
face you so that they can also read your lips. The best communication will take place if the room is somewhat quiet so that
background noise is filtered out.
1. Do you have someone in your life who has hearing loss, and if so, do you find it difficult to communicate with them?
2. What do you think you have learned that you might consider when you encounter someone who is deaf or has hearing loss?
Attending
We are bombarded with stimuli daily, so how do you decide what to pay attention to? In Chapter 3 you learned about the first part
of the perception process, and attending in the listening process is much like the selection process in perception. Attending in
listening means filtering out what is salient (i.e., noticeable or important). We often attend to stimuli that are visually or audibly
stimulating. For example, if you hear a new song on Spotify, the tune might be so great that you stop to do a Google search to find
the lyrics—or, as your Instagram or Tik Tok feed shows the latest music video by your favorite artist, you may focus on that and
ignore everything else that is showing in your feed. We also attend to stimuli that appeal to our needs or interests. In class, you
might find yourself starting to tune out until your instructor says the word exam. At this point, you might tune in because they are
about to cover important information that can impact your grade. The content is salient as it meets a need that is important to you.
Interpreting
The next stage in the listening process is interpreting. Interpreting is integrating both visual and auditory cues to make sense of, or
attribute meaning to, what we hear. It is how we understand a message. We base our interpretations on our previous understanding
of phenomena in our world. We observe nonverbal cues, such as tone of voice, facial expression, or eye contact to be able to
interpret a message correctly. One of our authors shares this story:
I was teaching a class once and I heard a student “sigh” loudly. I looked at her face to see if I understood the auditory cue. A
sigh can be due to boredom, but it could also be that she was thinking of her recent break-up. I then studied her face and saw
that she looked sad. I would not have been able to interpret her message had I not been able to hear her sigh, and see her face.
Recalling
Have you ever wondered why you may not remember what your partner, instructor, or boss told you only a day or two earlier? As
humans, we are so busy in our lives, that sometimes we find it difficult to remember what we were just told. In some circumstances
that may not be a problem, but in other cases, our memory could get us into trouble. Recalling is the ability to remember the
information one receives. Recalling information is difficult for many people, and this is impacted by where our memories are
stored. According to Owen Hargie (2010), we forget about 50% of what we hear immediately after hearing it. After eight hours we
recall about 35% and can recall about 20% after an entire day. Recalling what your partner’s favorite food is, what genre of music
they like, or where their favorite vacation spot is might be important for that relationship to develop. If we are not able to recall
these kinds of details, our partners may think we are not that important to them.
Evaluating
Have you ever listened to a friend or partner tell you why they did not show up to a party? Or, have your parents given you “the
look” when you tried to tell them why you were not home when you were supposed to be? Evaluating is the stage of listening
where one assesses the validity and credibility of the message. Evaluating what we hear is a normal part of communication.
Whether we are listening to the news, a professor, or a friend or loved one, this means that to some degree we are judging the
speaker's comments. It is important to think about the words that are used, the completeness of the message, and the truthfulness of
the message. Critical thinking is essential to judge what you hear accurately. No one comes to any communicative event without
some form of bias. So whether you are listening to a speech about COVID-19 or immigration, or whether you are listening to your
partner tell you that you have said something that made them feel bad, you will find that you immediately begin to break down
their message and compare it to what you believe to be true.
The process of evaluation can be quick, or it can be painstakingly long. If the goal is to become the best communicator you can and
to develop authentic relationships then it is important to focus on what is being said, not just who is saying it. Humans tend to
judge others before a message has been conveyed, so we owe it to ourselves to be as open as we can to what we are hearing and go
through a critical process of analyzing the message before responding.
Responding
When we communicate with others, there is an expectation that they will provide us with some form of feedback. Can you imagine
pouring your heart out to your best friend about your recent devastating break-up, and only receiving a blank stare in return? Of
course not! We do expect that our messages will be acknowledged. This last stage in the listening process is responding.
Responding is sending verbal and nonverbal feedback to a message you received. When communicating with anyone, there is
some expectation that people will respond to what you are saying offering some kind of acknowledgment that they hear you
speaking to them.
Back-Channel Cues
As communicators, we may provide back-channel cues as a type of response. Back-channel cues are verbal or nonverbal forms of
feedback that suggest we are listening. These include such behaviors as nodding our heads, leaning toward a speaker, or saying
"uh-huh" or "right," but that does not necessarily mean we were listening intently. If you recall, earlier in this chapter one of our
authors shared an example of where she was not listening to her daughter, even though she was using a back-channel cue. If
someone responds by looking away, saying “mmhm” while using their phone, or shifting in their seat, we would interpret those
cues negatively. However, if someone is looking at us and nodding their head while saying “mmhm,” we interpret such cues
positively. Both verbal and nonverbal response cues do not always represent authentic listening, so it is important to pay attention
to the cues that you are giving. Managing your responses to your speaker is one of many aspects of listening that we must learn to
manage to be an effective listener.
This page titled 6.2: Stages of the Listening Process is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Victoria
Leonard & Elizabeth Coleman (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Listen Skills Vary by Context
We might assume that many of you have noticed that when you are watching a movie, or listening to music, you are engaged
differently than when you are listening to one of your professors. Similarly, we think that when you are having a heart-to-heart
conversation with a friend, family member, or partner, you might be tuned in with more intensity than you are in class. We listen
differently in different situations, and that is entirely appropriate! There is value in understanding that there are different functions
of listening because we can then use the most appropriate listening skills to meet the purpose or occasion. Using these functions
appropriately will lead to better engagement and understanding.
Comprehensive Listening
Victoria was not the best student until she was at university. It was as though a light bulb went off in her head that said, “if you
want good grades, you better listen.” Being a student, employee, friend, or partner in a relationship may require that you engage in
comprehensive listening. Comprehensive listening is the type of listening we engage in with the goal of understanding
information. We all listen to messages throughout the day that require comprehensive listening. If you listen to a podcast, national
or local news, or attend work meetings, you would still want to understand what you heard. This function of listening is what you
would access if you were listening to a lecture in class, an employer giving you instructions on how to learn to use the POS (point
of sale) system, or your partner telling you what their needs are in a relationship. Numerous careers place a heavy demand on this
type of listening. Physicians need to understand the area of pharmacology to prescribe medication correctly. If physicians didn't
listen well while in medical school or retain and recall that information, they could make life-threatening mistakes in prescribing if
the medications one might be taking are incompatible. Depending on the context you are in, you may find that it would be difficult
to have information repeated to you so listening well is important. At the deepest level of interpersonal communication,
comprehensive listening may impact a relationship for better, or worse.
Evaluative Listening
In the stages of listening you learned that you need to assess the credibility of what you hear, and this means you will need to
analyze what you hear. Evaluative listening is a function of listening that fulfills the goal of analysis and evaluation of messages.
We engage in evaluative listening in many of the same contexts where we engage in comprehensive listening. Evaluation allows us
to determine whether a message is true, or logical. Whether you are a juror on a murder trial or listening to your partner’s excuse
regarding why they were late coming home, you will analyze the messages that you hear. Although not all evaluative listening may
be a matter of life and death, it may still impact another person.
Figure 6.3.1 : Vice Presidential Debate - by Lawrence Jackson is licensed CC-BY-NC-SA 2.0
How we engage in evaluative listening can also impact us at the relational level. If you have ever disagreed with a parent, friend,
partner, or co-worker, you might find that you have had to analyze the messages you are listening to quite intently. Or perhaps as
you offer an explanation of your behavior to someone in your life you have noticed their reactions as you are speaking. Are they
making eye contact with you or looking down? As you learned in Chapter 5, looking into a person's eyes helps us interpret
messages because we rely on nonverbal behaviors to assess the truth of a message. Evaluative listening allows us to assess whether
people in our lives are being candid, genuine, and truthful.
Discriminative Listening
At different times we may hear our partner tell us a story, and their voice just sounds different. You might perceive that they sound
sad or distressed. What is it about their tone that made you so sure something was wrong? Although this next function of listening
may not be used as much as others, it still serves an important function. Discriminative listening is a unique function of listening
that occurs during the receiving stage of the listening process and involves the ability to discern sounds. This form of listening is
physiological, and if you can hear, then you can access this function of listening. For example, an automotive mechanic may be
quite skilled at listening to the sounds of a car that someone brings in to be repaired and they can discern which part of the car
needs repair. If you are sitting on a jury listening to testimony, would you be able to tell if someone is lying? Communication
scholar Judee Burgoon notes that it is difficult to speak using complex utterances when you are attempting to provide a fraudulent
story (Burgoon, et al., 2015). If you have ever caught someone in a lie, your first clue may have been the way that person
stammered while speaking. As you can see, we listen by using all of the stimuli available to us including our voice, tone, and other
nonverbal behaviors.
Figure 6.3.2 : Herbert Doyle by Defense Visual Information Distribution Service is in the Public Domain CC0
Appreciative Listening
Do you think that all forms of listening must be connected to your ability to understand or recall information? No! Appreciative
listening is our ability to listen for enjoyment and is considered the easiest of all listening functions. Listening to music, watching a
television show, attending a concert, or even listening to a great speech or classroom lecture are examples of appreciative listening.
There are times when we are listening purely for enjoyment, but there are also occasions when we might be combining listening
functions. If you consider the example of a great classroom lecture by your professor, you might be listening for comprehension,
evaluation, and appreciation all at the same time! One of these functions of listening will be the dominant form based on the
occasion.
Figure 6.3.3 : Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett by J. Breschoten is licensed CC-BY-SA 4.0
Relational maintenance often requires appreciative listening. Focusing on the words you are hearing, the sound of someone's voice
that brings you joy, or listening to someone important to you tell a story would be examples of appreciative listening. During the
COVID-19 pandemic, many of us were forced to rely on technology such as FaceTime, Messenger Video, or Zoom to
communicate with loved ones. Although it was not in-person communication, we were still able to keep our connection with others
during such a difficult time.
Empathetic Listening
Have you ever just needed to vent, or have someone listen to you because you needed a friend? Or have you been placed in that
position where someone needed you? Empathetic listening occurs when we try to feel what another person is feeling, and this can
be considered the most challenging of all listening functions. Empathy means listening to understand the other person’s feelings
and/or emotions with the goal of validating them. Empathic listening is a higher-level listening skill and therefore requires more
energy. It has often been described as "putting yourself in someone else's shoes."
Figure 6.3.4 : Listening Attentively by Beatrice Murch is licensed CC-BY-SA 4.0

One of my students described her sadness over the cancellation of her sister's quinceañera due to local public health guidelines
during the COVID-19 pandemic. If you are unfamiliar with this custom, it is described as follows:
[The] celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday, marking her passage from girlhood to womanhood; the term is also used for the
celebrant herself. The quinceañera is both a religious and a social event that emphasizes the importance of family and society
in the life of a young woman. It is celebrated in Mexico, Latin America, and the Caribbean, as well as in Latino communities
in the United States and elsewhere. (Editors of Encyclopedia Britannica, n.d.)
Based on students' facial reactions, even in Zoom, it was evident that many students were able to empathize with the student. Let’s
look at one student’s story that helps illustrate the importance of empathetic listening.
 Student Voice
One of our authors shares her experience:

In teaching Interpersonal Communication for many years I have always appreciated students who are willing to share
their experiences. To provide you with some context for what you will read, I’d like to remind you of the shooting of 17-
year-old Trayvon Martin in 2012. While he was visiting his father in Florida, he was spotted by George Zimmerman,
who was a Neighborhood Watch volunteer. Zimmerman thought Martin was up to something criminal, and in his report,
he described Trayvon Martin as wearing a hoodie. Zimmerman used one single shot to gun down Martin, and since that
day, the hoodie has been a symbol that reminds us that even the clothing we wear can be a life-or-death matter. Now,
recall the murder of 25-year-old Ahmaud Arbery, who was fatally shot in a racially motivated hate crime while jogging
in Satilla Shores in Georgia on February 23, 2020, a mere eight years after the murder of Trayvon Martin.
In June 2020, I invited one of my former students to speak at a campus-wide panel on racism. Brandon, who is Black,
shared his experience of living in Georgia for a while when he went to stay with family during the pandemic: "You will
see how I am dressed today. I am wearing a shirt and tie with a pullover sweater. I no longer leave the house wearing a
hoodie. I will never wear a hoodie again because I can't. I can't risk being out in public and looked at as a thug or
criminal because of how I'm dressed."
Why do you think I felt that this story was important enough to share with you? This powerful student story is emblematic of
two important aspects of interpersonal communication. First, this story demonstrates that not all listening functions require a
response, and this was one example where someone just needed to be heard. Brandon’s story is sadly not unique, but it
conveyed the importance of when it is more important to listen and not speak. What this story also represents is the imperative
that we have in our society to listen so that we can help create the change that needs to happen to improve race relations. As
educated as we, and as much as we think we know, this story is one of several that day that pierces our hearts. We can be better
by listening to others.
1. Has there been a time when someone needed you to listen and you didn’t realize the importance of their need until later?
2. Did this story help you better understand how empathetic listening can impact individuals and society as well?
This page titled 6.3: Functions of Listening is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Victoria Leonard
& Elizabeth Coleman (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Attitudes and Beliefs about Listening
Now that we have a better understanding of the importance of listening, the stages, and functions, let’s learn about four different listening
styles. Just as there are different types of listening, depending upon the context of the situation, there are also different styles of listening.
More often than not, we as competent communicators will adjust and switch our styles of listening depending upon the context of the
situation. First, we need to define what a listening style is before we define the different types. A listening style is “a set of attitudes and
beliefs about listening” (Floyd, 1985, p. 136). Researchers Kittie Watson, Larry Barker, and James Weaver III (1995) identified four distinct
listening styles: people-oriented, action-oriented, content-oriented, and time-oriented. You might have a dominant style that can be seen on
multiple occasions, but you can adjust to the situation. Tables \(\PageIndex{1–4}\ break down the four types of listening styles, list some of
the common positive and negative characteristics, and provide strategies for communicating with different listening styles. (These tables are
used with permission from their author, Kina Mallard, 1999.)
Figure 6.4.1 : GPS Train the Trainer on Flickr is licensed CC-BY-NC-SA 2.0
People-Oriented
If you are a people-oriented listener you tune in to people’s emotions, feelings, and moods (Bodie & Worthington, 70). You relate more to
relationship building when listening to someone communicate with you, often being considered the type of person who will “lend an ear.”
You try to find common interests with the other person and listen to others without judgment. As a people-oriented listener, you allow
emotional space for people to express themselves, which is particularly valuable in interpersonal relationships.
For example, if your significant other comes home in a bad mood, venting to you about their challenging workday and lack of sleep, you
might respond with “I’m so sorry you had a bad day. I can see how frustrating that situation is for you. I know when I haven’t had enough
sleep, everything seems ten times as frustrating, too. Tell me more about what’s going on. How are you feeling?” This is an empathetic
response, typical of a people-oriented listener, that demonstrates compassion and understanding without judgment.
Table 6.4.1 : Understanding the Four Listening Styles—People-Oriented Listeners
Positive Characteristics of People-Oriented Negative Characteristics of People-Oriented Strategies for Communicating with People-Oriented
Listeners Listeners Listeners
Show care and concern for others Overly involved in feelings of others Use stories and illustrations to make points
Are nonjudgmental Avoid seeing faults in others Use “we” rather than “I” in conversations
Provide clear verbal and nonverbal feedback

Internalize/adopt emotional states of others Use emotional examples and appeals
signals
Are interested in building relationships Are overly expressive when giving feedback Show some vulnerability when possible
Notice others’ moods quickly Are nondiscriminating in building relationships Use self-effacing humor or illustrations
Action-Oriented
This type of listener values clear, organized, and error-free messages. Typically, action-oriented listeners are listening as though they are
organizing their “action” list to make things happen, like a builder or engineer. If you are an action-oriented listener watching a
presentation, you will most likely notice errors and inconsistencies throughout the presentation. In fact, an action-oriented listening style is
common when receiving instruction (i.e., What are the directions? What do I need to do next? When’s my next deadline? etc.). However,
with interpersonal relationships, an action-oriented listener is likely thinking “What can I do about this?” and not necessarily connecting
with the other person’s emotions. This style contrasts that of a people-oriented listener. It can be highly beneficial in task-oriented
situations, such as the workplace, but has different effects on interpersonal relationships.
For example, Tanika exemplifies action-oriented listening. She likes it when her assistant presents her daily activities in a clear, easy to
follow, and straightforward manner. If they are delivered any other way that is not purposeful, such as with embellishments or superfluous
information, Tanika gets frustrated. At home, when Tanika’s girlfriend wants to discuss a recent conflict about household responsibilities
between them, instead of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way,” Tanika often responds with action, saying “OK, I will start doing the dishes
three times a week.” She is looking for the solution with action as opposed to connecting to her partner through an emotional exchange. Her
response, however, is still beneficial to the relationship; it is simply less empathetic than that of a people-oriented listener.
Table 6.4.2 : Understanding the Four Listening Styles—Action-Oriented Listeners
Positive Characteristics of Action-Oriented Negative Characteristics of Action-Oriented Strategies for Communicating with Action-Oriented
Get to the point quickly Tend to be impatient with rambling speakers Keep main points to three or fewer
Give clear feedback concerning expectations Jump ahead and reach conclusions quickly Keep presentations short and concise
Concentrate on understanding task Jump ahead or finishes thoughts of speakers Have a step-by-step plan and label each step
Watch for cues of disinterest and pick up vocal pace at

Help others focus on what’s important Minimize relationship issues and concerns
those points or change subjects
Encourage others to be organized and concise Ask blunt questions and appear overly critical Speak at a rapid but controlled rate
Content-Oriented
Individuals who favor technical, complex or challenging information tend toward this style of listening. Content-oriented listeners
prefer to hear all of the information being presented before forming any sort of judgment. A content-oriented listener is constantly
evaluating and analyzing the information received. Common professions for the content-oriented listener are politicians, judges, and
academics, particularly those in the humanities, social sciences, and sciences. As an example, you are likely a content-oriented listener if
you enjoy hearing presidential debates to evaluate your political views. In interpersonal relationships, a content-oriented listener will want
to “hear out” the other person, ask for elaboration, details, and clarifications in an objective manner, and may challenge the other person’s
thinking with the “other side of the argument.” Content-oriented listeners likely need time to process information before making decisions
or committing to any sort of action.
For example, when Arturo and his brother discuss making plans for a vacation to Mexico, Arturo asks about all of the possible venues to
stay, costs of food and travel, and events happening. He wants to read reviews on all of the different options, and he needs time to evaluate
the pros and cons before committing to a plan with his brother. Arturo is not spontaneous, as he wants to make the best possible choices
using all of the information he can get his hands on. If his brother says, “This venue I’m looking at has a 4-star review. Let’s go there.”
Arturo will counter with, “Okay, but what do the 1, 2, and 3-star reviewers have to say? How many reviews has it had? It’s not reliable
unless there are at least 100. Plus, who knows how many of those are paid reviews. We need to read them to be sure.” In other words,
content-oriented listeners like Arturo have an analytical nature.
Table 6.4.3 : Understanding the Four Listening Styles—Content-Oriented Listeners
Positive Characteristics of Content-Oriented Negative Characteristics of Content-Oriented Strategies for Communicating with Content-Oriented
Value technical information Are overly detail oriented Use two-sided arguments when possible
May intimidate others by asking pointed

Test for clarity and understanding Provide hard data when available
questions
Minimize the value of nontechnical

Encourage others to provide support for their ideas Quote credible experts
information
Welcome complex and challenging information Discount information from nonexperts Suggest logical sequences and plan
Look at all sides of an issue Take a long time to make decisions Use charts and graphs
Time-Oriented
If you are efficient with your use of time, then you are likely a time-oriented listener. When you are communicating with someone, you
want the person to get to the point of their story quickly while you are checking the clock to be sure to make your next appointment on time
or get going on your next task. If you are a time-oriented listener, you might even avoid eye contact, or interrupt to move the conversation
along and end it promptly. As a result, this type of listener can appear insensitive or uncaring toward others. A prime example of a time-
oriented listener is an emergency room doctor who wants you to get to the point of the matter quickly so they can do a proper diagnosis
before moving on to the next patient. They are bound to serve patients in rapid succession due to the time-sensitive climate of an
emergency room. To some, this approach may come off as uncaring, although that is not necessarily how the doctor feels.
In an interpersonal relationship between close friends, an exchange with a time-oriented listener might look something like this:
Friend 1: "Hey, good to see you. How was your day?"
Friend 2: "It was great. How was yours?"
Friend 1: "Oh, you won’t believe what happened with Celia today! I had to review the meeting notes with her, and she started to…"
Friend 2: (Interrupts Friend 1 while checking the time) "Actually, tell me about it over dinner, so we’re not late for our reservation.
We need to be there before five o'clock."
Although the interruption may be perceived as insensitive, the time-oriented listener (Friend 2) is communicating that they are not ready to
fully listen until their perceived time constraints have been met. People often confuse time-oriented with action-oriented listeners, but the
action-oriented listener does not mind taking time on a matter if it is focused on action-oriented solutions, whereas the time-oriented
listener’s predominant focus is meeting time constraints efficiently.
Table 6.4.4 : Understanding the Four Listening Styles—Time-Oriented Listeners
Positive Characteristics of Time-Oriented Negative Characteristics of Time-Oriented Strategies for Communicating with Time-Oriented
Manage and save time Tend to be impatient with time wasters Ask how much time the person has to listen
Set time guidelines for meeting and conversations Interrupt others Try to go under time limits when possible
Be ready to cut out unnecessary examples and

Let others know listening-time requirements Let time affect their ability to concentrate
information
Rush speakers by frequently looking at Be sensitive to nonverbal cues indicating

Discourage wordy speakers
watches/clock impatience or a desire to leave
Limit creativity in others by imposing time

Give cues to others when time is being wasted Get to the bottom line quickly
pressures
Combining Styles
People tend to have one dominant listening style; however, most research indicates that people will use at least two different listening
styles. That being said, people are not typically comfortable using all four styles. For example, a person who is predominantly a content-
oriented listener but also people-oriented would want to hear everything out and take time to analyze the details while acknowledging other
people’s feelings or challenges with empathetic language. That same person is likely not comfortable as an action-oriented or time-oriented
listener. Likewise, an action-oriented listener who also has time-oriented tendencies will usually shy away from people-oriented or content-
oriented listening styles. Different combinations of listening styles can exist within each person. Once you identify your listening style(s),
you can create awareness around how and why you listen the way you do and work to make adjustments where necessary to improve your
listening skills.
 Gender Spotlight
There has been much debate over the impact of gender on listening. Research from the 20th century has resulted in stereotypes that
should be re-examined. The initial research into what was called “masculine” or “feminine” speech focused on the speech communities
in which we are raised. Research suggested that masculine communicators engage in “report” talk, whereas feminine communicators
engage in “rapport” talk (Tannen, 1986, 2013). Those who engage in report talk are said to be concerned with the exchange of
information and getting things accomplished. Those who engage in rapport talk are concerned with establishing connections and
maintaining the relationship (Fixmer-Oraiz & Wood, 2019).
This area of research has also been explored from a scientific perspective. According to audiologist Beth McCormick (2018):
Research findings suggest that men do in fact listen differently than women. But are the identified differences straightforward,
clear cut or even black and white? Actually they might be—gray and white that is. Our brains are composed of both gray matter
and white matter.
A study between University of California, Irvine, and University of New Mexico researched differences and found that “The amount of
gray matter was six times greater in the brains of the male research participants, while the women participating in the study had 10
times the amount of white matter the men did.” This finding supported the notion that men and women may “listen and assimilate
information differently, [but] the difference does not appear to affect cognition or our ability to listen.”
What does all of this mean in terms of listening? People do have different styles of communication, and as a result, may engage in
different listening styles, regardless of gender. We may prefer to engage in report talk when we are conversing with someone at work
and may choose to engage in rapport talk when we are with our partners or friends. Although there are scientific differences from a
biological perspective, one’s identified gender also impacts how they may listen. Having moved beyond binary views of gender, we
know that our style of communication is as fluid as our gender.
Fundamentals of Public Speaking, Florida State College at Jacksonville and Mary Lee Cunill, PhD. CC BY 4.0.
6.4: Listening Styles is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
6.3: Functions of Listening by Elizabeth Coleman, Victoria Leonard is licensed CC BY 4.0.
Understanding Barriers for Better Listening
Now that you have a better understanding of the functions and styles of listening, we will discuss the barriers to listening. A
barrier to listening is anything that is hindering you from recognizing, understanding, and accurately interpreting the message that
you are receiving. We’ll discuss four barriers to effective listening: information overload, prejudice or prejudging, rate of speech
and thought, and internal and external distractions. When you have a better understanding of the potential barriers to effective
listening, you can pinpoint your weaknesses and work on building them up to make you a better listener.
Information Overload
We now know that a majority of our time communicating is spent listening. With all the listening we are doing, there are going to
be times when we experience information overload. Information overload is when you have so much information coming at you,
it’s easy to become overwhelmed. In a Public Speaking class, for example, you can experience this when listening to your
classmates give speeches, especially if you’re hearing 20 speeches, one after the other. You become overwhelmed and you’ll
probably find yourself tuning out at some point. Or what if a speaker condenses so many statistics into the presentation that you
cannot keep track of all the numbers? That’s information overload.
To cope with information overload, you might consider taking notes to increase focus and your ability to process the information
being delivered. If appropriate in the circumstances, such as in a business meeting or professional training, you might politely ask
the speaker to repeat a point you missed, briefly paraphrase what they’ve said to ensure you’ve gathered the key points accurately,
or even simply ask clarifying questions. You might also ask for resources or recordings that you can reference later at your own
pace.
Prejudging
We, as humans, tend to be closed-minded at times. If you have an emotional reaction to a person or disagree with their ideas
personally, you might be allowing personal prejudices to distract you. There are various ways we prejudge others. We may
unconsciously prejudge a speaker because of their age, race, sexual identity, appearance, occupation, or political affiliation.
Keeping an open mind when speaking with others is optimal but often challenging, because you may not even know this barrier is
preventing you from fully showing up as a listener. Furthermore, you might have a hard time listening because you disagree with
the speaker.
One way to identify some unconscious biases you may have towards others is to take the free Implicit Association Test (IAT). This
test measures “attitudes and beliefs that people may be unwilling or unable to report” (Rudman, Greenwald, & McGhee, 1998).
There are a variety of tests one can take, and the results are anonymous and allow you to examine unknown biases you may have
toward others. Taking the time to examine your biases can help you become a better listener because you can suspend judgment
and listen with an open mind. While you may disagree with the person’s perspective, you may learn more about them, yourself, or
the topic they are sharing. You’ll never know unless you hear them out.
 Journal Exercise: Try this!

It can be a struggle to open ourselves up to opinions, perspectives, or people with whom we adamantly disagree. These
differences can create real problems in our relationships, at home, and at work. Deliberate listening can be a powerful tool in
learning to connect more effectively with the people in your life.
For this entry, sit down with someone that you know who has an opinion or idea you find ridiculous or simply disagree with ...
and spend at least 10 minutes engaged in listening to them.
After your conversation, take some time to reflect on your experience as a listener and let your insights sink in. Consider
questions like:
In what ways did you find listening to the other person challenging?
How did you prejudge the speaker?
What strategies did you use to suspend judgment while listening?
What did you learn about the other person by listening to them?
What did you learn about yourself as a listener?
Rate of Speech and Thought
A recent study suggests that most people speak at a rate of 100 to 150 words per minute (wpm) in everyday conversation or when
presenting. However, voice readers of audiobooks, radio hosts, and podcasters were found to speak at rates of 150-160 wpm. In the
same study, auctioneers’ speech rate was 250 wpm, and commentators came in at 250-400 wpm. (Barnard, 2022). So why does this
matter? Ideally, the speaker’s rate of speech would line up with the listener’s speed of thought in processing the words spoken. A
consideration is that the speech rate changes depending on who or what we are listening to. The question becomes “Can our brains
keep up?”
A 2019 study conducted by Muller, et. al. that analyzed listening efforts in conjunction with varying rates of speech found that “the
brain adapts to the auditory input for an optimal stimulus processing…show[ing] a clear influence of speech rate averaged across
participants.” In other words, our brains will automatically adjust to increased speech rate. So, yes, our brains can keep up.
Furthermore, it has been found that most people process between 400 and 800 words per minute (Hargie, 2011). But our brains can
process information several times faster than the speed at which words are typically spoken. As a result, a mental lag can occur.
Since we listen and process information much faster than the average rate of speech, including the high rate at which commentators
speak, we tend to fill the void with other thoughts and cognitive biases. In turn, this speaking–listening differential can halt our
listening altogether. We find ourselves tuning in and out while our minds are busy making predictions, perhaps prejudging and
veering off into other related thoughts, or even simply slipping into a daydream.
To be an effective listener, one has to be mindful of this differential and use strategies to prevent the mind from veering off for too
long. One strategy to prevent this mental lag is to mentally summarize the speaker’s ideas from time to time to keep yourself
engaged. Taking notes, doodling images or symbols of things you are hearing, or visualizing what the speaker is sharing might also
help to fill the void while still remaining engaged as a listener. The point is that awareness of this mental lag can help you build
your mindfulness around your capacity as a listener and develop strategies that take advantage of the thought–speech differential.
Internal and External Distractions

Let’s face it, you have a lot going on in your life. You attend school, you probably work, you might be raising a family, and you
have your own issues to work through every day. Sometimes when we are absorbed in our own thoughts and concerns, we can’t
focus on what someone else is saying. We have all experienced moments of being physically present but mentally absent. Instead
of truly listening, your mind is worried about something happening at work or feeling excited about an upcoming event scheduled
later in the day with friends. You could also simply be thinking about your to-do list or reflecting on a conversation you had with a
partner the previous night. When you allow those thoughts to take your focus, you will find that you become a less effective
listener. Such distracting thoughts and feelings are your internal distractions.
In addition to internal distractions, we also experience external distractions as a listening barrier. External distractions come from
the physical environment and involve any visual, auditory, or other sensorial elements within the space that captures your attention.
Perhaps the most prominent external listening barrier today involves technology. The powerhouse technological distractor that most
of us carry around is a smartphone. We use our cell phones to send a text message to a friend, make a call to a significant other,
record a video on Tik Tok, post a thought of the day or special photo on social media, surf the web, and use the calculator, only to
name the basics.
We have created a culture of cell phone dependency and seek out personal connections through our technological devices, which
has increased exponentially due to the significant worldwide impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. Entire communities around the
world shut down and moved to technology to stay connected. However, our dependency has become so great that it is a frequent
source of external distraction. For example, when someone is trying to communicate with you, and you hear the notification chime
go off on your phone, immediately picking it up to see what it was before the other person has finished speaking, you have just
experienced an external listening barrier. Next time, you might consider silencing your phone and placing it out of reach, especially
when someone is trying to emotionally connect or engage in an important conversation with you. That being said, putting the phone
down for every conversation is ideal for improving communication overall.
Furthermore, external technological distractions may occur when you are on a virtual platform (such as Zoom) for a meeting,
college class, or even a virtual video call with a friend. You might experience technical issues with the audio or video components
that disrupt the listening process, such as the microphone not working, losing internet connection, or even the video feature
malfunctioning. This can be especially frustrating for both parties if, let’s say, your mother is telling you something that is
important to her and you don’t hear everything because the audio cut out. Testing these components beforehand could alleviate the
potential for distraction and avoid such frustrations. We know we can’t control all of the technical difficulties that could arise;
however, taking time to test for issues in advance is one way of being mindful and intentional in your listening practice. Likewise,
working, reading, or typing in other applications or browser tabs, checking notifications from Facebook, or checking the email that
just came in while you are on a video call would be considered, in part, external distractors. To avoid this, you might consider
closing all the tabs you have open and either temporarily disable or plan to ignore notifications that come through while you’re on a
video call.
The physical environment can also be a source of disruption to listening. Classroom doors slamming, cell phones ringing, or
students having conversations outside in the hall are some examples. When working from home, you can experience extensive
environmental listening barriers from the mess around you that still needs cleaning, the temptation of grabbing a snack in the
refrigerator, the dog barking, the baby crying, a strong odor, the pain in your back, cell phones chiming (there they are again), the
glare of the light on your screen … the list goes on and on. When all of these distractions are happening, it is easy for your ability
to listen to be dramatically reduced. Consider planning ahead for these things to maximize your ability to listen fully. Play with the
dog right before your virtual meeting to tire them out. Turn your cell phone to silent mode. Have a snack beforehand. You get the
idea.
Given the numerous internal and external distractions that are likely to occur frequently in your everyday life, the question becomes
“How can I minimize these distractions to become a better listener?” More often than not, the answer is mindfulness. A little
planning, preparation, and practice can help you to prevent these types of listening barriers effectively.
6.5: Barriers to Listening is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Habits and Pitfalls to Avoid
Not only do we have barriers to listening that we must pay attention to, but also we have all developed some habits in listening that
we can change with hard work. Being aware or conscious of the habits we have is the first step to improving how we listen. At the
minimum, we can lessen how much we fall into these habits, and with dedicated work, we may be able to eliminate them. These
listening pitfalls include pseudo-listening, selective listening, defensive listening, aggressive listening, narcissistic listening,
insensitive listening, interrupting, and eavesdropping.
Pseudo-Listening
If you have ever listened to a professor, friend, or family member tell a story while nodding your head politely while your mind
was a million miles away, then you have engaged in pseudo-listening. Pseudo-listening is pretending to listen (Adler et al., 2018).
It includes behaving as if you are listening by providing nonverbal or even verbal feedback (back-channel cues) and showing you
are paying attention when you are not. Most often pseudo-listening is a pitfall that can lead to negative consequences, but the
reason for engaging in this practice is not typically done out of malice. Hearing a story repeated, complaints you have heard before
or suffering from fatigue or preoccupation can all lead to this. Therefore, pseudo-listening is often used as a politeness strategy.
Imagine a scenario where you have shared something important with a friend and found out that they had not listened to you at all.
Although they may have felt they were trying to be a good friend by showing you they were listening, it can cause more harm than
good. We should avoid pseudo-listening when possible and should avoid making it a listening habit. Although we may get away
with it in some situations, each time we risk being “found out” there could be negative relational consequences. On the other hand,
if you catch yourself pseudo-listening, a mindful practice involves admitting to the person speaking to you that you were not being
fully attentive and kindly asking them to repeat themselves (while re-engaging your full attention on them).
Selective Listening
Do you have a favorite color? If so, when you look at clothing when shopping do you find yourself drawn to the color that you like
most? If so, what you are exhibiting is a preference to stick to something that you already favor. Selective listening is an ineffective
listening practice that operates in much the same way. Selective listening means only paying attention to the points someone makes
that are important to you, that impact you, or that you agree with. Children may not pay attention to their parents’ conversation
until one of them says “You need to have a B average if you want us to pay your car insurance.” Only then do you attend to what
your parents are saying. Even friends, roommates, or romantic partners engage in selective listening. If you were sitting and
scrolling through Instagram while someone was talking to you, you may not be paying a lot of attention to what is being said until
you hear "It's your turn to do the laundry." You may have no interest in doing the laundry. You don't want to do the laundry! But,
because the statement has a direct impact on you, you now listen to what is being said. Although this is a relatively benign example
that doesn't have significant depth, selective listening can still lead to conflict as someone may feel that you don't find it important
to listen to what they have to say.
Defensive Listening
Have you ever been told you were being defensive about something? I think we all know what that means in general, but we don’t
often realize it is tied to our listening practices. Defensive listening is a practice of listening where you perceive an attack where
one does not really exist. Sometimes this occurs when we feel guilty, or even insecure. We tend to personalize a comment that
might be made innocently. For example, imagine that you have a roommate, and they make the following comment: “Gosh, the
shower in here sure gets moldy easily.” If you are a defensive listener, you would assume that your roommate was somehow
accusing you of not taking better care of the shower. If you both had a rule that said you would wipe the shower down each time
you used it, but you had neglected to do so several times, then some guilt might be at work as well!
 Student Voice
Recently, one of our students, Reynaldo, shared a great example of defensive listening. He wrote:
I recently began a job at a local fast-food restaurant. One of my main tasks is making tacos and burritos. Lots of tacos
and burritos! When I started, my manager and trainer explained how important it was to build these in a specific order. It
seemed really easy, but I made a mistake on my first day because I confused the order of the taco and the burrito. I was
told that I had made a mistake, and I was pretty upset by it. I wrote notes to myself to bring in and put on the wall where
I was working. By the end of my second week, the manager called me into her office. As soon as she said my name, I
felt myself start to shake and knew I was going to get in trouble, if not fired. Then she said, “Reynaldo, I just wanted to
tell you how impressed I've been with your work these past two weeks. You've really got this down." I felt so stupid
because I realized that I had already started listening defensively.
As with many ineffective forms of listening, we may not even realize we are engaged in defensive listening.
1. Can you think of an example where you engaged in defensive listening at work, at home, or with friends?
2. What did you feel when you were listening, and what triggered the defensiveness? How did you react?
3. Looking back, what might you have done instead of engaging in this ineffective listening practice?
Aggressive Listening
You might be familiar with the term aggression. Oftentimes people view this as a way that someone can use words or actions that
are mean-spirited or violent, as you will see in later chapters. Although somewhat different, there is an ineffective listening practice
that holds some similar characteristics to aggression. Aggressive listening, also referred to as ambushing, is an ineffective listening
practice where individuals listen specifically so that they can attack back. It is likened to "lying in wait," so you can pounce. People
who engage in aggressive listening are prone to attack someone based on their ideas, personality, or other factors that give them a
reason to attack. One can see aggressive listening in politics during political debates. Reasons that this type of listening occurs in
interpersonal relationships are often centered around a build-up of tension or frustration. Unfortunately, there are times when things
come to a head if people don't communicate with each other.
The following scenario shows how egregious aggressive listening can be. Let's assume Crystal wanted to go away for a weekend,
so she found Antonio's calendar and looked at what he had planned for the next few weekends. She was able to see that he had
made plans for a getaway with someone else and had written in code.
Crystal: "I was wondering if you were planning to book a reservation for a weekend getaway next weekend."
Antonio: "Well babe, I really want to go away with you, but I am not sure what my workload will be."
Crystal: "Really? Do you have a lot of work that you can't get done during the week?"
Antonio: "It's still early in the week, so I'm not going to know until at least Thursday."
Crystal: "Hmmm. Well, do you think that we could talk about this Thursday night?"
Antonio: "Yeah, sure, we can talk Thursday about making a weekend trip, whether we can go over the weekend. If not this
weekend, maybe another weekend."
Crystal: "Antonio, that's a load of crap. You already have plans with someone else this weekend and you totally lied, you
jerk. Who is 'FS'?! I'm done with you. You're a liar and a cheat."
As you can see, Crystal perceived that Antonio was cheating on her and that led to aggressive listening on her part. Her perception
put her into a mode of attack. Little did Crystal know that Antonio was meeting with FS Catering Company to plan her surprise
21st birthday party. Instead, Crystal’s aggressive listening style potentially had detrimental effects on her relationship with Antonio.
Do you think a more positive outcome could be achieved had she gotten more information? Asking clarifying questions before
making assumptions would have been more productive, and both Crystal and Antonio might have felt better about the exchange
and the outcome.
Narcissistic Listening
Figure 6.6.1 : Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Henry T. McLin on Flickr is licensed CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0
Some individuals struggle with listening to others because they prefer to be the center of attention. Narcissistic listening is a form
of self-centered and self-absorbed listening in which listeners try to make the interaction about them (McCornack, 2019, p. 212).
You might consider this type of listener a “stage-hog.” The narcissistic listener will do one of two things to take over the
conversation and bring the focus back to them. They might interrupt and re-route the conversation back to themselves, or they
might change the topic completely. Being the center of attention is important to them. They may look away from you as though
they are bored, they may frown or pout, or they may ignore you or excuse themselves and leave the conversation. When engaging
in a shift response—turning the conversation back to themselves—it might seem that they are trying to outdo you or "one-up" you.
Perhaps the following type of conversation sounds familiar:
Constance: "I was really proud of myself! I wanted to paint my dresser because it was so old, so I bought this stuff called
'chalk paint' and I painted my dresser blue this past weekend. It was challenging, but I did it! It came out really well and..."
Brenda (interrupts): "Oh, I've done loads of chalk painting. I actually painted every piece of furniture in my room, and even
painted some pieces for my mom. It was so easy."
At times, this type of response is not done maliciously. A conversation may genuinely remind you of something you have done that
is similar. A more appropriate response would be to wait until the speaker has finished. Using back-channel cues, you can easily
acknowledge the person speaking. When they have finished making their point, acknowledge what you heard and then you might
add your contribution to the conversation.
Habitual narcissistic listeners can be identified by continued comments when you are speaking. They may say, “Oh, that reminds
me of the time that,” or “I went through the exact same thing,” or “Wait until you hear this one!” An occasional interruption of this
type does not mean someone is a narcissistic listener. It is when there are repeated offenses that you see the pattern of this type of
listener.
Sometimes you might notice the narcissistic listener changes the topic completely:
Hunter: "Hey, did you see the game Friday night? We scored two touchdowns in the first ten minutes of the game!"
Jacques: "Dude, I now have over 5,000 followers on Tik Tok! I’ve been changing up my workout routine and now I’m
getting at least 50 new followers a day!"
At times like this, it would feel appropriate to address the listener's shift response, so that you can continue the conversation or
topic you tried to initiate. However, be mindful that too much work on your part to understand the narcissistic listener puts an extra
burden on you. If the listener is a true narcissist, you might consider having a conversation with them about their listening habits
and how it affects you. If your attempt is unsuccessful, then you might suggest they seek professional help to learn best practices in
communication.
Insensitive Listening
If you recall the definition of empathic listening, you will find that insensitive listening is the opposite. Often referred to as “literal
listening,” insensitive listening focuses only on the content level of meaning. Insensitive listeners do not explore the nonverbal
cues that accompany the message. Imagine if your friend did not pass an exam, and then tells you. Rather than asking questions, or
providing an empathetic response, your response is “I guess you didn’t study” or “Yeah, school can be hard.” Neither response will
allow your friend to feel positive about the exchange. One’s tone of voice alone can let you know how someone is feeling or we
can also look into someone’s eyes to discern sadness or other emotions because insensitive listening can be hurtful.
One of our students shared this story in class: “When I told my mother that I forgot to do my quizzes last week, she just glared at
me without saying a word. She didn’t have to say anything because this is how she typically responds to me. I’m a Japanese
American student, and our culture is a high-context culture. Most of what I understand about my mom’s feelings is through her
nonverbal communication.”
 Focus on Culture
Does your culture impact the type of listening practices you engage in? There is a wealth of research in the area of culture that
demonstrates that our communication patterns are learned. Let’s look at how culture can influence messages.
Culture can often impact whether you pay attention to the relational, or underlying meaning of a message or just the words of a
message. Low-context cultures emphasize explicit meaning (Hall & Hall, 2001). For example, US culture places great
emphasis on words, or literal meaning. We are taught from an early age to “Say what you mean,” or “Use your words.” This
can contribute to misunderstanding or not seeing the nonverbal cues that give greater meaning to a message. On the other hand,
high-context cultures rely on information that is implicit and nonverbal (Hall & Hall, 2001). Individuals from high-context
cultures rely on the context, tone, or other nonverbal behaviors to understand a message, which can then affect the interaction.
It is important to note that if you were born in the United States, but your family of origin is from a high-context culture, your
method of communication will be largely influenced by your family’s culture.
One of our authors, Professor Leonard, comes from a high-context culture where indicators of listening meant that when she
was young she only nodded as a response to her parents, rather than commenting back. She also did not make direct eye
contact when listening because at times that could appear to be disrespectful to her parents. This example is probably the
opposite of your professor’s expectations of you in a classroom. When you listen in class, your professor might expect you to
look them in the eye and participate verbally as a sign of respect. These two scenarios involve very different interpretations of
nonverbal communication based on the context of the culture in each situation. These examples demonstrate how culture plays
an important role in listening. Great communicators learn to adapt their communication behaviors according to cultural context
of the setting and who they are communicating with.
1. Do you come from a high-context or low-context culture?
2. How does your family communicate meaning? Is it through direct communication (words), or more through the nonverbal
channel (such as eye contact, or silence?).
3. How might you adapt your listening now that you know more about the importance of culture?
Interrupting
Most of us understand what an interruption is, even when we have not defined the term. Simply, interrupting is the unintentional
or intentional act of delaying or preventing communication. One of the first communication rules that we remember teaching our
children was not to interrupt. It was so important to us to instill proper manners in them, that we developed a code for when they
wanted to tell us something if we were talking to other people, either on the phone or in person. We told our children to approach us
and put their hand on our arm, or leg, depending on how tall they were at the time. In response, we would take one of our hands
and cover their hand. This served as a nonverbal acknowledgment that we were aware that they had something to say. They both
learned to wait until there was a break in the conversation, then we would turn to them and ask, “What did you want to tell me?”
Sometimes our hands remained in the same place for several long minutes! As you learned in Chapter 5, the regulating function of
nonverbal communication means that conversations are based on turn-taking. Whether the turn-taking cues are overt or not, we
know when it is our turn to speak.
We try not to interrupt while others are speaking, but sometimes we do unintentionally interrupt. We may have accidentally
misinterpreted the turn-taking cue and thought someone was done speaking. In a case like this, it is not a pitfall of listening. There
are other times when people are talking excitedly about something and their words or sentences overlap. Back-channel cues can
sound like an interruption even if they are just designed to show support.
Occasionally, interruptions are intentional and appropriate. This happened to one of the authors once when a nursing student was
giving them a shot, and she was interrupted by her supervisor to tell her that she was inserting the needle at the incorrect angle!
Although we am sure that the result would have been no more than an uncomfortable shot, not all situations are the same. These are
the times when intentional interrupting is appropriate. Other interruptions are intentional and inappropriate when they are used to
control or dominate the conversation.
Consider assessing your own patterns of interrupting. Are you afraid you are going to forget what you want to say? If this is a
reason for interrupting, the appropriate course of action is to tell the person you are speaking to that you are sorry to interrupt, and
that you just want to get your thoughts out before you forget them. After, you should immediately give the platform back to the
other person.
Eavesdropping
Figure 6.6.2 : Eavesdropping By A. Strakey on Flickr is licensed CC-BY-ND 2.0

You have probably seen at least one television show or comedy where someone is standing with a glass held up to a wall in an
attempt to listen to a conversation in the next room. As humorous as these kinds of depictions might be, there can be serious
consequences of this ineffective listening practice. Eavesdropping is an ineffective listening practice that involves a strategic
attempt to listen to a conversation that you are not a part of. The important distinction between eavesdropping and accidentally
overhearing a conversation is the strategy, or plan, to listen to a conversation you are not meant to overhear. If you have ever been
out at a restaurant, shopping, or even walking on campus next to someone who is on their cell phone having a conversation, you
may have experienced the discomfort or embarrassment of listening to someone arguing with another person. This type of listening
situation is circumstantial and not planned.
Eavesdropping, however, means that a person positions themselves physically or technologically closer to a conversation in the
hope of listening to what others are saying. There may be a variety of reasons that people eavesdrop, and some of those reasons are
altruistic. If you heard someone say “bomb” you might position yourself closer to eavesdrop. However, to simply engage in
eavesdropping because you find a conversation interesting or titillating would be violating the privacy of others. When caught, not
only would you be embarrassed, but also others could easily be angry with you.
I remember a time when a friend told me that she was worried about some of the things her daughter might be doing, so she
would routinely position herself outside her daughter’s bedroom to try and listen to her conversations. On more than one
occasion the parent listened at the door while her daughter was in a therapy session with her psychologist.
Although a parent may have cause to be concerned about their child, listening at the door could easily lead to a violation of trust
and this could harm the relationship greatly. Finally, eavesdropping could lead to you hearing something that is said about you.
Although we don’t condone people talking behind others’ backs, there may be reasons to do so before that information is presented
to someone.
If you, or someone in your life, has engaged in an ineffective listening practice, it can be beneficial to learn how journaling can
help you process the emotions that arise from these practices.
 Journal Exercise: Try This!
Spend the next week journaling as much of the communication as you can between you and the individuals you live with. If
you live alone, you can try this with co-workers or friends.
1. Describe the communication interactions that took place and whether you believe they exemplified an ineffective listening
practice.
2. Interpret what you believe the communicator wanted to convey as you were listening.
3. Evaluate how the interaction made you feel.
4. Assess what you learned from your evaluation.
The reason that journaling is so important is because it can help us reflect on not only our listening behaviors, but that of others
as well. You can use this journal prompt for any of the ineffective listening practices described in this textbook.
6.6: Ineffective Listening Practices is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Active Listening Is Key
Listening is an essential part of communication and is often the weakest link in the communication process. People usually love to
be heard but are often not as excited about listening. To be a better listener, one must be actively listening. Active listening is being
engaged as a listener, not just hearing the words. It is one of the most important learning tools you can have that will benefit you on
the job and help your relationships with others. Active listening requires purposefully focusing on what a speaker is saying with the
objective of understanding.
Figure 6.7.1 : By Mimi Thian on Unsplash

This concept may appear straightforward, but there are some important ideas that deserve a closer look. “Purposefully focusing”
implies that you are actively processing what the speaker is saying, not just letting the sounds of their voice register in your senses.
“With the objective of understanding” means that you will learn enough about what the speaker is saying to be able to form your
own thoughts about the speaker’s message. As discussed earlier, listening is an active process, as opposed to hearing, which is
passive.
Being an active listener takes concentration and work. The principles of active listening are not hard to understand, but they are
hard to implement and require practice to use them effectively.
Principles of Active Listening

To implement active listening effectively, you must first understand the primary purpose behind it. Active listening should
accomplish two things. The first intent you must set is to listen for understanding, ensuring that you as a listener fully understand
the speaker. The second goal is to convey to the speaker that you are really listening. So part of your role is to make sure that the
speaker feels understood. Again, this will take concentration and work on the part of the listener, but you can fulfill these two
intents of active listening by using the following five principles:
Give the speaker your undivided attention. Clear your mind of anything else and avoid distractions, such as checking your phone,
texting, surfing the web, watching television, or maintaining a high volume of the tv, music, or other environmental sounds, to
name a few. If you are focused on the distractors, you are nonverbally communicating that you are uninterested in what the speaker
is saying.
Instead, to communicate that you are interested and focused, attend to the speaker through eye contact, body language, and facial
expressions. Putting your phone down or turning the tv volume down indicates you are preparing to listen. Leaning in toward the
speaker shows interest in what the speaker is saying. Smiling, eye contact and nodding indicate that you are following what the
speaker is saying and that you are interested to hear more.
Furthermore, don’t prejudge. You want to understand what the person is saying; it doesn’t mean that you need to agree with them.
Wait for the speaker to finish speaking before responding and don’t interrupt.
Principle 2: Repeat What You Just Heard

Reiterate what you heard to clarify meaning and understand intentions. Confirm with the speaker that what you heard is what they
said: “So what I hear you saying is…”. Paraphrasing the speaker’s message into your own words is effective for helping the
speaker feel heard and thereby solidifies your reception of their message. Avoid parroting what they said word-for-word, as this can
come off as disinterest.
Principle 3: Ask the Speaker to Expand or Clarify
Ask questions to clarify what the speaker is saying, especially If you are unsure whether or not you understand. Always ask
questions; don’t assume. While doing so, show sensitivity to the speaker’s point of view. For example, you might say “It sounds
like you are feeling hurt, which is understandable. Can you tell me more about…?”.
Nonverbal signals are essential to interpreting a speaker’s message. They manifest as facial expressions, body positioning, arm or
hand gestures, and tone of voice. Confirm these body language messages just as you would verbal messages by saying things like,
“You seem very excited about this idea” or “It appears you are not very happy with this situation.”
In addition, be mindful of the nonverbal signals you are sending. If you are saying the words but staring vaguely into the distance,
you are conveying disinterest and inauthenticity to the speaker.
Principle 5: Listen for Requests

A speaker will often hide a request as a statement of a problem. If a friend says, “I hate math!” this may mean, “Can you help me
figure out a solution to this problem?” Again, once you identify what you believe to be a request, don’t assume. Ask. You can ask
for clarification and offer support simultaneously by saying things like, “Would you like some help with your math? I know a great
tutor I could refer you to” or “I hate math, too! I’m going to get help from our math teacher after school tomorrow. Do you want to
join me?”
 Exercise: Try this!
Listening With Your Whole Body

For your first list, think of a person you consider an excellent listener. Picture that person clearly in your mind. Focus on what
they do, not what they are saying. Describe what actions and postures they use to show they are listening. What are they doing
with their eyes, hands, and body?
For your second list, think of a person you consider a poor listener. Picture that person clearly in your mind. Focus on what
they do, not what they are saying. Describe what actions and postures they use to show they are not listening.
Now compare these lists with your behavior. How many of the body language signals from each side do you think you exhibit?
How can you add more of the attitudes and actions in the first list to your behaviors? How can you control those behaviors you
recognize in yourself from the second list?
Even if the listener doesn’t agree with the speaker, it is important to acknowledge that the speaker has a right to their point of view,
their ideas, and their feelings. Be respectful of others’ opinions, and keep in mind that cultural differences can impact beliefs,
values, and communication styles. Meaningful conversations cannot happen effectively if one side is not listening actively. The
following are some examples of responses that stimulate meaningful understanding.
Show interest to encourage further discussion. Use expressions like
I haven’t looked at it like that before…
That’s a great point…
Can you tell me more about…?
Show empathy by being sensitive to the speaker’s feelings. Use expressions like
It appears that you…
I get the feeling that you…
I can see you feel quite strongly about this…
I can imagine how upsetting (frustrating/hard/emotional) that must have been…
Demonstrate understanding of what has been said by rephrasing the message in your own words. Use expressions like
So what I think you’re saying is…
Tell me if I’m understanding what you mean. I think you’re ultimately saying that…
So you mean that…
Avoid evaluating the message unless you are asked for your opinion. Evaluative comments can put the speaker in a defensive
mode. They can be insulting and can inhibit further discussion. Avoid expressions like
Well, that seems a bit over the top.
That’s ridiculous.
I think you are overreacting.
In general, you want to encourage speakers to be able to openly share their message. The more strategies that you use for active
listening, the more the speaker will be able to freely share the message, and the more likely you will be able to truly understand the
message.
Let's look at the following scenario. One friend, let's call them "S," comes to their friend, "D," upset about a recent breakup.
Observe how the following examples of effective listening and ineffective listening change the conversation and the outcome.
Consider how the relationship between these two friends is affected in each example.
Effective versus Ineffective Listening
Effective (Active Listening)

Ineffective
S: "I can’t believe they lied to me!"
S: "I can’t believe they lied to me!"
D: "It sounds like you’re really hurt and upset. Do you want to tell me
D: (while scrolling on phone) "Yeah, that sucks."
what happened?"
S: "They told me they were going to a movie with a friend, but they
S: "They told me they were going to a movie with a friend, but they
were out all night at the club and didn’t even text."
were out all night at the club and didn’t even text."
D: (laughs while looking at phone) "Ha ha ha! Have you seen this cat
D: "So you’re feeling betrayed because they didn’t tell you the whole
video? It’s hilarious! Sorry, what were you saying?"
truth."
S: "Forget it! You clearly don’t care."
S: "Yes! I can’t stand being lied to, so I just broke up with them."
D: "You’re just overreacting."
D: "I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have they lied to you before?"
S: "What do you mean I’m overreacting? They lied to me!"
S: "Not to my knowledge. But that’s a deal-breaker for me.v
D: "I just don’t see the big deal. You probably misunderstood them."
D: "So you’re saying that honesty and full disclosure are extremely
S: "You’re not listening to me. They didn’t even tell me they were going
important to you in a relationship?"
out to the club. I thought they were going to be home way earlier. And I
S. "Yes! 100 percent. I just don’t think people should have anything to
got no phone call or text or anything. That’s not a misunderstanding.
hide in a relationship. (sighs) I can’t believe this is happening. Thank
You know what? Forget it. I need to go."
you for being here and listening."
Notice how the effective listener acknowledged the speaker’s feelings, asked clarifying questions and paraphrased their message. In
the end, the speaker expressed gratitude to the listener, implying that they were feeling truly heard. However, in the ineffective
listening example, the listener is not fully engaged. They are scrolling on their phone, looking at an unrelated video, interrupting,
and making judgmental statements. These actions leave the speaker feeling defensive and unheard, causing a rift in the relationship.
Reflecting on the exercise you completed earlier, identify your strengths and weaknesses with active listening, and consider how
your actions as a listener affect your relationships. What might you change in your listening habits to better support someone
important in your life and potentially strengthen that interpersonal relationship?
“Communication Skills” in the Education and Career Planning Open Course by Mary Shier. CC BY.
6.7: Becoming a Better Listener is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Summary
Although we greatly underestimate the power of listening, it is perhaps the most valuable skill for effective communication.
Understanding the five stages of listening and its different functions deepens our knowledge regarding the complexity of listening.
Furthermore, identifying our listening styles, barriers, and ineffective practices can help us hone our strengths and reduce our
weaknesses as listeners.
As you learned in this chapter, increased awareness around listening and the use of strategies offered in this chapter, you will
improve communication in your relationships simply by becoming a better listener. Active and mindful listening can make a
difference in all interpersonal contexts you communicate within.
Remember the beginning of this chapter where Jamal was engaging in what you now know is called pseudo-listening while Shenise
was trying to engage him in a discussion about their upcoming trip to Cancun? If Jamal had exercised active listening and
employed some of the techniques discussed in this chapter, it is likely that Shenise would not have gotten angry. Active listening is
a gift that you give to both yourself and others.
1. After reviewing the stages of the listening process, which of the stages do you find the most challenging? How might you use
active listening to improve in that area?
2. What is your listening style? Can you think of an instance when this listening style can be beneficial? Can you provide an
example of when this listening style is harmful? How can knowing this information help improve your listening?
3. What barriers to listening impact you the most? What steps can you take to lessen these barriers within different contexts of
communication?
4. Which of the ineffective listening practices do you find yourself prone to using? What specific changes do you need to make to
minimize or eliminate these practices?
5. Which of the active listening strategies can you use to improve your relationship with others?
Glossary
Action-Oriented Listener
Appreciative listening
Attending
Back-channel cues
Clarifying questions
Comprehensive listening
Content-Oriented Listener
Discriminative listening
Empathetic listening
Empathy
Environmental noise
Evaluating
Evaluative listening
Hearing
Interpreting
Listening
Listening style
Mindfulness
Paraphrasing
People–oriented listener
Physiological noise
Psychological noise
Recalling
Receiving
Responding
Sympathy
Time-Oriented Listener
This page titled 6.8: Summary and Review is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Victoria Leonard &
Elizabeth Coleman (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
6.9: References
Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L., & Proctor, R. (2018). Interplay: The process of interpersonal communication . Oxford University Press.
Barker, L.L., Edwards, R., Gaines, C., Gladney, K., & Holley, F. (1981). An investigation of proportional time spent in various
communication activities by college students. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 8, 101-109.
Barnard, D. (2022, November 8). Average speaking rate and words per
minute. VirtualSpeech. https://virtualspeech.com/blog/average-speaking-rate-words-per-minute
Burgoon, J., Mayew, W. J., Giboney, J. S., Elkins, A. C., Moffitt, K., Dorn, B., Byrd, M. & Spitzley, L. (2015). Which spoken
language markers identify deception in high-stakes settings? Evidence from earnings conference calls. Journal of Language and
Social Psychology, 35(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/0261927X15586792
Editors of Encyclopedia Britannica. (n.d.) Quinceañera. In Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/topic/quinceanera
Emanuel, R., Adams, J., Baker, K., Daufin, E. K., Ellington, C., Fitts, E., Himsel, J., Holladay, L., & Okeowo, D. (2008). How
college students spend their time communicating. International Journal of Listening, 22, 13-
28. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904010701802139
Floyd, J. J. (1985). Listening, a practical approach. Scott Foresman & Co.
Fundamentals of Public Speaking Florida State College at Jacksonville and Mary Lee Cunill, PhD. CC BY 4.0.
Hall, E. T., & Hall, M. R. (2001). Key concepts: Underlying structures of culture. International HRM: Managing diversity in the
workplace, 24.
Hargie, O. (2010). Skilled interpersonal communication: Research, theory and practice (5th ed.). Taylor and Francis.
Hargie, O. (2021). Skilled interpersonal communication: Research, theory and practice (6th ed.). Routledge.
Harwood, J. (2017). Understanding Communication and Aging (2nd ed.). Cognella, Inc..
Mallard, K. S. (1999). Lending an ear: The chair’s role as listener. The Department Chair, 9(3), 1-13.
McCornack, S., & Morrison, K. (2019) Reflect & Relate: An introduction to interpersonal communication. Bedford/St. Martin's.
Shahadi, j. (2020, August 27). 90% of employers say working remotely hasn't hurt productivity. CNN
Business. https://www.cnn.com/2020/08/27/success/work-from-home-employer-plans-for-more-flexible-policies/index.html
Tannen, D. (2013). You just don't understand: Women and men in conversation. Virago.
Watson, K. W., Barker, L. L., & Weaver, J. B., III. (1995). The listening styles profile (LSP-16): Development and validation of an
instrument to assess four listening styles. International Journal of Listening, 9(1), 1-13.
Watson, K. W., Barker, L. L., & Weaver, J. B., III. (1992, March). Development and validation of the Listener Preference Profile.
Paper presented at the International Listening Association in Seattle, WA.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
7: Emotions
Identify the dimensions of emotions and summarize their impact on interpersonal communication.
Analyze emotional intelligence and its importance within communication competence.
Apply communicative skills to understanding, expressing, and responding to emotions.
Implement key strategies to manage debilitative emotions and how to foster facilitative emotions (managing emotions).
Construct ways that help to cope with challenging emotions during difficult times.
In this chapter, we will focus on what emotions are, how they are shaped by our culture and environment, shape our perspectives,
how to overcome emotional challenges, and how to utilize our skills to ensure our emotions help us to achieve our communication
goals within our interpersonal relationships.
7.9: References
This page titled 7: Emotions is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Elizabeth Encarnacion & Tiffany
Ruggeri (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Emotions and Interpersonal Communication
Emotions are a part of who we are as humans. Take for instance, that you are being interviewed for your dream career position. As
you are waiting to be interviewed, you are experiencing many emotions: excitement for the opportunity, nervousness that your
strengths will not show, discomfort at the concern that the interviewer may not understand you, and more. Each of these emotions
come from our self-concept, our life experiences, and our desire to be successful and impact our relationships with others from how
they perceive us to how our communication unfolds. Therefore, it is important that we explore the facets of emotions.
Emotions are heavily influenced by our social interactions and communication with others. Emotions are a key component of self-
concept and how we interact with others. Often we find ourselves focused on the feeling we are experiencing in the moment, rather
than the ability to accurately address the emotional stimulus related to the resulting emotional effects. There are many experiences
that shape what emotions we experience, how we interact with these emotions, and how we come to recognize and address our
emotions. This chapter will focus on what emotions are; how they are shaped by our culture and environment, and shape our
perspectives; how to overcome emotional challenges; and how to utilize our skills to ensure our emotions help us to achieve our
communication goals within our interpersonal relationships. From our internal communication to external communication with
others, emotions are used to create, interpret and inform our understanding of relationships more deeply. We will start by
examining what emotions are, and move into understanding how we utilize emotions in our everyday communication experiences.
We will end the chapter by discussing ways in which we can positively impact our emotional perspectives in order to manage them
effectively.
This page titled 7.1: Introduction to Emotions is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Elizabeth
Encarnacion & Tiffany Ruggeri (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Emotions Defined
Emotions and related terms can be misunderstood, so we will start by defining what emotions are. “Emotions are constituted by a
process of categorizing the self as being in an emotional state” (Pober, 2018, p. 640). This process is both immediate and rapid
(Rohmann, et al., 2009). Emotions are not synonymous with feelings. Emotions are more than the feelings we experience, although
feelings are a big part of emotions. Feelings can be fleeting, while emotions are not fleeting and tend to be accompanied with
physiological and nonverbal changes. Emotions can change over time and context, and are connected to physiological dimensions,
cultural dimensions, cognitive interpretations, personality, and expression.
Consider This: Where Did You Learn To Feel? By Brielle Plump

Have you ever thought about where you learned how to feel? Feelings, emotions, and moods are often things we consider
automatic, or simply part of our physiological responses. However, emotions and feelings—and specifically how we value and
express them—are more influenced by our upbringing and society than you would think.
For example, there is one particular theory that can help us consider how we learned how to feel: the dimensions of cultural
variability (Hofstede, 1980), which is based on a global study conducted by the researcher Geert Hofstede in the 1970s.
Although culture has changed a lot since this theory was first developed, the dimensions covered in this theory can help us
begin to understand some of the ways cultures (and specifically nationalities) communicate and behave. Per the theory, every
country exists on a scale between the two extremes (high or low) of each dimension. For now, we will just look at one, the
dimension of Achievement (formerly termed Masculinity). According to the theory, in a high Achievement society, success is
marked by winning and material gain. Within an Achievement-based society, emotions may not be expressed outwardly as
often, and may be communicated about within relationships in more subtle ways. In contrast, in a society that is low in this
dimension, and considered a highly Nurturing society, success is based on cooperation, quality of life is an asset, and emotions
may be more overtly expressed and outwardly displayed.
While the research within Hofstede’s studies have many limitations, it does help us understand how society impacts our
communication surrounding emotions and emotional expression.
Reflection Question
1. Consider some of the other generalized ways achieving and nurturing cultures differ. How may emotions and feelings be
valued or expressed as a result?
2. Also, consider your family history, where you grew up, and whether or not your surroundings represent a more
achievement based or more nurturing culture. How might that impact how you process emotions?
Emotions are often seen as inherently negative. "Why are you so emotional? Oh, that person is too emotional." Beyond these
uncomplimentary descriptions, why do we see emotions as negative? Why is it a bad idea to “be emotional?” As humans we are
interconnected with our emotions. We literally have sayings like these: “Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” “Don’t be
so emo,” or “Don’t be so salty.” These sayings infer that from the start of our day, we are experiencing emotions and this connects
to the events we experience in our day. Our emotions relate to our interpretation of events with others, our perceptions of those
events, and our reaction as a result, which we call reappraisal. Since we communicate in our interpersonal relationships from our
identity outward and that affects our perceptions, then our personality and self-concept affect our emotions. We embody our
emotions. We experience events differently and the same is true of our emotions.
We experience multiple emotions simultaneously (Pober, 2018). For instance, consider the last time you felt incredibly excited.
What other emotions were you experiencing? Let’s say you just got asked to go on a date with someone you really like. Perhaps
you are excited but also nervous, apprehensive, invigorated, and even reluctant. It is common for us to experience all these different
emotions at the same time. One emotion can fuel another emotion and spur a chain of reactions as emotions are experienced.
Russell (2012) further defined emotions as a “cluster of events with unclear boundaries and no single cause” (p. 140). That sense of
happiness may turn to elation, pride, and a sense of giddiness. Whereas the apprehension you experience may create or increase the
likelihood of nervousness, reluctance, and fear over the date or romantic appeal of the person.
Emotions Are Relational
Not only do we internally experience emotions and are affected by others emotions, but we create chain emotions. Figure 7.2.1
showcases psychologist Robert Pluchik’s wheel of emotions, which showcases eight central emotions that polarize one another.
The eight emotions are joy and sadness, trust and disgust, fear and anger, and lastly, surprise and anticipation. These eight central
emotions then extend outward and inward of the wheel, showcasing intensity of the emotions that can be felt. The information in
this figure is also provided in Table 7.2.1, which lists the central emotions alongside the varying levels of intensity that can be felt
from them. For example, an extension of joy could be serenity, optimism, or ecstasy, while an extension of sadness could be
pensiveness, remorse, or grief. These chain emotions can be felt seemingly all at once or over time as our emotions grow or
subside. As we get closer to our date, our ecstasy and nervousness/anticipation might turn to optimism.
Figure 7.2.1 : Plutchik Wheel by Robert Pluchik on Wikipedia Commons

Intensity of Emotions as Displayed in the Plutchnik Wheel
Central Emotion Varying Intensities of Central Emotion
Joy Ecstasy, serenity, optimism, or love
Trust Admiration, acceptance, love, or submission
Fear Terror, apprehension, submission, or awe
Surprise Amazement, distraction, awe, or disapproval
Sadness Grief, pensiveness, disapproval, or remorse
Disgust Loathing, boredom, remorse, or contempt
Anger Rage, annoyance, contempt, or aggressiveness
Anticipation Vigilance, interest, aggressiveness, or optimism
Table 7.2.1: Intensity of Emotions by Elizabeth Encarnacion is licensed under CC BY 4.0

Emotions are relational. We are interdependent, which means that we mutually affect each other. We do this relationally and
physically through our communication climate. The way we experience our emotions is related to the type of relationships we have
developed. When you are sick, is there someone who brings you comfort? Does just the thought of that person being near you
result in you not feeling as sick, starting to smile, or even feeling physically stronger? One of our authors shares her experience:
When my child was a baby and I had a bad day, seeing that baby face would result in me feeling better. Similarly, when I was
sick as a child, I wanted to be near my grandmother. I had scarlet fever as a teenager, and I wanted her to be near me. She
couldn’t provide medical assistance, but her presence resulted in a different mood and therefore, more positive emotions.
Family, or other people we would consider our caretakers, tend to have this effect depending on the relationships we have
with them.
The communication climate, or social tone of the relationship that we have with our partners, affect our emotions. There are
physical spaces and people that allow us to feel like we can be our true and authentic selves, while in other spaces and relationships
we may use a mask. A mask is our presenting self that we use to conceal certain aspects of ourselves. Perhaps at work, although
we are still ourselves, we avoid certain language that we use in other contexts, do not share personal stories, or avoid certain details
to meet the professional climate. Many of us have had an unexpected event that created sadness, anger, or frustration before we
entered an environment where we did not want to share those emotions, which resulted in us masking our emotions. One of our
authors shares an example: "My father had cancer and it was clear we had a small window of time before he passed away. I had
lectures planned and wanted to avoid my students becoming my support system, so I used masking." This is commonplace in many
professional settings, but also used in other contexts. Many of us have had to conceal information from others, which results in us
using a mask. You may have heard the saying “wear many hats.” This is a way of saying we present certain aspects of ourselves
while concealing others. Masking can be emotionally laborious and result in negative effects. In the film Encanto, the character
Luisa develops an eye twitch from masking all the time. She is the strength in her family and does not want to admit to feeling
weak at times, so she uses a mask. When it comes to our emotions, we tend to use masks without being conscious of the decision to
do so. However, masking is common when we experience negative emotions. This is related to the physiological changes we
experience with emotions.
Physiological Changes
Emotions are a deep-seated process that is happening continuously. When an event happens that results in our emotion occurring,
we look at the physiological changes. This includes sweating, an increase in heart rate, a flush in our face, all the things we
experience physiologically and nonverbally as we experience our emotions. Think of the last time you were “red hot angry” or
“excited down to your toes.” What did you experience physiologically? Did you experience a feeling of raciness, perhaps an
increased heart rate? Did you feel hot all over, perhaps sweaty? Our bodies react in conjunction with the emotions we are
experiencing. Therefore, physiological changes are a part of our emotions.
Research has consistently found that emotions impact and are impacted by our physical selves (Tyng et al., 2017). Most notably,
Tyng et al. (2017) found that the external sources of emotions are accompanied by internal physiological factors that impact the
heart, lungs, gut, and so forth. Our body expresses emotions through our blood flow in order to regulate our homeostatic balances.
For example, someone in a state of anger generates more “heat,” or excess blood flow throughout their body near the head, chest,
and arms. Someone on the opposite end of the spectrum, in a neutral, state, generates so much less physical “heat” that the blood
flow to extremities like their arms and legs is “cooled” or has slowed down. In addition, emotions can create physical reactions
such as higher sweat production, restlessness, faster heartbeat, or increased breath rate. For example, the feeling of excitement and
nervousness are usually characterized by the same physical traits while the emotions themselves are opposites.
To continue our example from earlier, when we are interacting with someone we want a romantic relationship with, that person
might make us feel happy and nervous at the same time. Those two emotions may both showcase themselves through the same
physiological changes of jittery movements, increased heart rate, and maybe sweaty palms. The same can be true of more
unfavorable emotions. When we are experiencing a fight or argument within our interpersonal relationships, this can cause
emotions of anger, anticipation, anxiety, and doubt. Those emotions can manifest themselves physiologically as rapid heart rate,
sweat, increased breathing patterns, and jitteriness as well.
Figure 7.2.2 : Painting of a man by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
Cultural Dimensions
Russell (2021) explains that emotions are defined and explained through cultural dimensions. This means that each culture defines
emotions and their characteristics according to that culture’s environment. Culture is a blend of our lived experience and includes
our group memberships. This means that culture is not limited to our race, ethnicity, geographical locations, political affiliations,
socioeconomic status, or the like, but rather includes who we are as people on the whole. Every culture is different and has its own
set of norms, rituals, and customs. Even when we share a culture with someone, our interpretations and experiences shape them
differently. For example, do you identify with a religion or spiritual practice? Have you had disagreements about your
interpretations of what that means to people within that group (in-group) or someone outside of that group (out-group)? How do
these differences shape what emotions you experience?
I grew up with two uncles who are ministers. Each within the same religious community, but both had different
interpretations of the doctrines of their religion. When my uncle earned his PhD in religious studies, he told me as he
counsels his parishioners and his advice when it comes to infidelity is to always work through it. My other uncle would not
suggest the same idea, but rather attempts to understand the details surrounding the infidelity and not to give advice. In this
illustration, we have two people of the same faith, raised similarly, with different outlooks (“worldviews”) that would alter
how they experience emotions, despite being in a similar predicament.
Cognitive Dimensions and Personality

As discussed earlier, we integrate our culture, self-concept, and personality when we examine how emotions are processed. We
consciously and unconsciously experience emotions. When we use cognitions, we interpret emotions and understand what
circumstances led to this emotion, called the activating event. Emotions can be driven by this cognitive dimension (Kriegel, 2014).
Whether we are conscious about emotions as they are occurring, that does not change their presence. Our interpretation and
interaction with our emotions relates to our personalities. Emotions, personality, and behavior are interrelated (Mobbs, 2020).
Personality is a relatively fixed set of characteristics based on our lived experience and our genetic make-up. Emotions are affected
by the type of personality we have. Personality types have been used in two primary models, the Myers Brigg Type Indicator or the
Big Five model (openness, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism). This is discussed further in the next
section. Personality type has been related to different levels of depression and anxiety, which could be improved with early
intervention (Rickles, et al., 2021). Understanding our personalities and how they relate to our emotions can help us become
effective communicators in our relationships. Emotions entail cognitive dimensions and personality, and this leads to how emotions
are expressed.
Figure 7.2.4 : Woman in black knit sweater covering face with her hand by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Nonverbal Expression
As you learned in Chapter 5, we express our emotions nonverbally. When we do not have a cognitive connection to the emotion
that we are experiencing, sometimes our nonverbal expression is an indicator of our emotional state. There are many forms of
nonverbal expression. We have implicit and explicit forms of emotional expression that develop over time and are largely culturally
based (Tracy, et al., 2013). For instance, in Western society, nonverbal expressions of overconfidence, particularly when we do not
feel confident, are viewed as more positive (Tenney, et al., 2019). Explicit expression of emotion is connected to power and status
(Shariff & Tracy, 2009)—meaning how we respond to the emotions we are experiencing can help earn or lose respect and power.
Explicit and implicit expressions of emotions are seen from infancy and form dyadic nonverbal patterns (Harrison & Beebe,
2018). These patterns help us to fully understand messages being exchanged. We display explicit expressions through our
nonverbals, specifically facial expressions and body language. We are both implicitly and explicitly communicating our emotional
state with our relational partners.
Implicit expressions of emotions can be cognitively complex. As discussed, we may be aware of or lack awareness in our emotions
and also our expressions of our emotions. Take for instance stress. When we experience stress, it tends to be implicitly expressed.
Successful management of our stress can avoid negative effects, such as anger (Suzuki & Tanaka, 2021). For example, if
you perceive that you am physically hot and it is harder to mask, this could imply that you are upset or angry. Perhaps if you
were unaware of these expressions, I may not realize that you are truly angry. Becoming aware of our implicit and explicit
expressions of emotions can help us to become more competent communicators.
Verbal Expression
Emotions are verbally expressed. We do not always explicitly verbally express our emotions, because we may not be aware of what
emotions we are experiencing. However, we express ourselves verbally, and at times our emotions are evident. Take for instance,
being asked if you are upset. You say “no!”—but your volume, tone, and nonverbals tell a contradictory story. We cognitively
interpret many of our emotions. We know that we are experiencing an emotion, and this knowledge can help us or become
destructive depending on how we react. One of our authors shares the following example:
When my son was in the hospital and we were not sure what was going to happen, there was a lot of uncertainty and the
emotions were negative. It was stressful, scary, frustrating, heartbreaking, and overwhelming. I exhibited a range of
expressions as a result of these emotions. I would lash out at my partner (verbal) who was out of town, and then stonewall
(nonverbal). It was not my partner’s fault, but my anger and frustration were clear in my expressions. I would yell or become
silent on the phone when explaining the latest update from the doctor to my family.
Silence is culturally seen as a positive or negative. In Western society, it is seen as largely negative, whereas in other cultures
silence is an important tool without a negative perception. Our author reflects:
Internally, my stress and anxiety were high. I was not managing my fear and the situation, so it made the experience harder.
Had I managed this stress and anxiety, I would have been able to communicate more effectively with the doctors and my
family, and my nonverbal expressions would have been more productive.
We cover coping with challenging emotions, such as fear and anxiety, at the end of the chapter. There are many influences that
affect our emotional expression.
This page titled 7.2: What Are Emotions? is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Elizabeth
Emotions and Experience
There are many influences on our emotional expression. These influences help shape the way we perceive and interact with our
emotions. We may think that our emotions are singular and not attached to other emotions and experiences. In this section we
clarify how our emotions affect other emotions and experiences. We focus on how we interpret and react differently based on our
own personality traits, our cultural background, and how our culture and society itself shape not only the emotions we experience,
but how we react in communication events.
Personality
Emotions are an important aspect in how we build our social interactions with people around us. Whether strangers or people who
have a significant impact on our lives, people tend to consciously or unconsciously work at monitoring, observing, and regulating
emotions around others. Our interactions with others help to shape our own emotions as well as aspects of our personalities and
moods. But what is the difference between these terms? We’ve defined emotion earlier in this chapter, but how do we know the
distinction between what is an emotion, what is a mood, and what is part of our personality?
The biggest difference is the longevity of the feeling. Where emotions may last seconds to minutes, moods can last hours to days.
A mood is built from the collection of emotions and feelings, whereas personality is built from stable sets of moods and traits such
as social interactions, behaviors, and values, as well as cultural and environmental factors.
One of our authors shares her example:
I can confidently say that I have a “grumpy” personality. Even photos of me as a young child showcase that I tend to have a
pout on my face, and I pride myself in being able to think of the “glass as half empty” more often than not. This is part of my
personality that I own and accept. Although I may have what I consider a “grumpy” personality, that does not mean every
day of my life is lived in a bad mood. I, like all of us, have days, weeks and months filled with good moods, but I also
experience bad moods from time to time. I share laughter and joyful emotions with friends and loved ones regularly, as well
as feeling emotions of love and grief equally. While I may say my personality is “grumpy” I would say my mood tends to be
positive, and my emotions tend to be neutral.
 Consider This: The Big Five Personality Traits

Personality can be seen as a dimension of an individual, where the aspects of what we think, feel, and the ways in which we
behave based on our emotions are constructed to make up our unique personality in specific ways (Filipiak & Łubianka, 2021).
When looking at personality, research has consistently found that there tends to be five major dimensions called Big Five
personality traits.
The Big Five personality traits are an important aspect when understanding emotion and interpersonal communication. The
outcomes of this model are used to help make important predictions on individual behaviors and outcomes. The Big Five
personality traits shown in Figure 7.3.1 (and listed following the figure), help us not only to understand our individual
experiences and allow us to put into words and categorizations how our emotions interact with our behaviors, but it has also
given researchers reliable associations and predictions in life outcomes such as “health, political participation, personal and
romantic relationships, purchasing behaviors, and academic and job performances” (Sachl et. al, 2020).
Figure 7.3.1 : Big 5 Personality Traits by Elizabeth Encarnacion is licensed under CC BY 4.0
The Big Five Personality Traits

1. Neuroticism: Neuroticism refers to a person's vulnerability to debilitative emotions such as anger, anxiety, or depression. It
is characterized by emotional instability, and being anxiety prone and impulsive. The ability to maintain balance and
maintain internal support through these notable emotional charges is the skill of emotional stability.
2. Conscientiousness: Conscientiousness includes aspects of personality such as organization, planning, and dependability. It
includes characteristics of being diligent, careful and mindful of the work one is doing, and having self-discipline. The key
characteristic of this personality is the aspect of working towards these characteristics and having them as a goal to achieve,
even if that may not always be the outcome. For example, wemay not always be the best at organizing and keeping our
room clean, but it’s something that we strive to be diligent and hold value towards.
3. Openness: Openness to experiences and open-mindedness are terms that are used to describe the ability to welcome new
ideas, information, and even arguments that may differ from our own. Being open to experiences includes curiosity and
creativity. It allows for critical and rational thinking to make judgments and come to conclusions from these new ideas.
4. Agreeableness: Agreeableness is the habit of being kind, compassionate, warm, and cooperative. This is in contrast to
traits such as suspicion, mistrust, combative, and unfriendly.
5. Extraversion: Extraversion refers to how outgoing or sociable a person is. Extroverted personality traits include high
energy, talkative, assertiveness, and being action-oriented. This is in contrast to introversion, where the personality is
focused on internal thoughts and feelings as opposed to external social interactions.
These personality traits are meant to be broad and open categorizations that are relatively stable throughout a person’s life and
universally applicable (Stachl et. al, 2020; Filipiak & Łubianka, 2021). When looking at these five personality traits in relation
to how we interact with others, they can help us see patterns and help us to interpret behaviors influenced by social
expectations and societal norms. For example, research has shown that nurses and other members of the medical field who
score low in neuroticism are less likely to experience burn-out and report job-related stress. Traits such as openness,
agreeableness, and extraversion are strong indicators of engagement and empathy in the nursing profession (Martinez et. al,
2021). Individuals are more drawn to certain professions over others given their personality trait characteristics, and a variety
of different combinations of personality traits are found in the wide variety of professional careers.
1. What role of the Big Five personality traits do you see in your communication with others? Do you have significant others
with some of these traits?
2. Out of all five personality traits, is there one that stands out to you that is predominant in your own identity? How do you
think this personality trait impacts your communication with others?
Culture
Our culture is based on the beliefs, values, and behaviors of a given group, and includes rules and norms that members of the
culture follow. The way in which we display, recognize, and interpret emotions is heavily influenced by our social environments
and cultural worldview because of their norms and rules (Course Hero, n.d.c). Different cultures have different structures of
behavior and therefore different rules regarding how they display their emotions, which are connected to the cultural display rules
discussed in Chapter 5. Research has shown that cultures that are more collectivistic, and where social harmony is emphasized, are
less likely to showcase negative emotions such as disgust or anger in social settings. In contrast, individualistic cultures, where
personal self concept is emphasized, are more likely to showcase emotions of anger or disgust no matter the social context
(Dzokoto et. al, 2018). For example, research demonstrated that people from individualistic cultures, like the United States, used
exaggerated facial expressions to showcase emotion as a way to influence others and gain attention from those around them, which
is accepted within an individualistic culture (University of Minnesota, n.d.). This is opposed to people from collectivistic cultures,
such as Japan, where the tendency is to suppress or not show their emotional expressions as a way to observe the social context and
interaction between interpersonal relationships. Because collectivistic cultures put the primary concern on the interdependence of
the cultural group, emotional displays are direct reflections of the family system and the primary driver is to maintain relationships
(University of Minnesota, n.d.).
Understanding emotions in the context of culture is important to making sure we are aware of the ways that differences in
communicating emotions may occur. The perception of emotional display rules differs between cultures, where different rules and
norms are established and subconsciously understood amongst members. While these elements are rarely spoken about explicitly
between cultural group members, they impact the way we interpret and communicate emotions in our relationships. In order to
prevent miscommunication within our social relationships, knowing the ways in which a person may express or not express an
emotion will allow us to better regulate our own emotional reaction as well.
Figure 7.3.7 : Standing man wearing blue v-neck shirt by Elevate on Unsplash
Social Conventions and Roles

There are many unwritten rules of communication that discourage direct expressions of most emotions. As we said earlier, “being
emotional” is largely seen as negative, and our roles in certain contexts are affected. For example, do you curse in the workplace?
We attempt to be professional in workplace environments. This includes presenting ourselves as professionals, avoiding
unacceptable language for that climate, and preserving face. Face concerns how we present ourselves to others and how we are
seen by others. In the workplace, face is an important aspect of the climate. We want to preserve the face of others and avoid face-
threatening behaviors (actions that would result in our communication partner losing face). Perhaps you have heard the phrase
“saving face” used in this context before. Therefore, there are not only social expectations of us, but we also have processes of self-
protection and protection of others.
We have many social and professional roles. How we interact within these roles relates to our environment and our relationships
with our communication partners. Gender roles have a lot to do with how we interact with others as well as how we perceive
ourselves internally. Keep in mind that biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression are different constructs. Gender
identity refers to our internal perception of self, and how we see ourselves. Gender expression refers to how we showcase our
gender identity through our appearance, clothing, and verbal and nonverbal expression. These traits relate to how we mask (when,
why, and to preserve face) and our reluctance or openness to engage in conversations related to our emotions. Gender expression is
also related to the cultural climate we were raised in and our lived experiences.
In a professional setting, we may mask more or avoid dialogue related to emotions, in an attempt to be seen as fulfilling a
professional role. In a social setting or role, we may use masking or our decision to engage in discourse related to emotions to
promote relational growth. For example, there are certain emotions that may be more often avoided by certain people in the
workplace for a variety of reasons. Women, particularly women of color, are less likely to overtly showcase emotions of
confidence, assuredness, or even sadness or anger in the workplace so as to not be deemed “too emotional,” because perceptions of
assertiveness can turn into aggressiveness or confidence can be misconstrued as arrogance. When we deconstruct how different
individuals are or are not “allowed” to experience emotions in different settings, we can start to draw out the stereotypes and biases
within our social conventions and society roles.
With the many roles we take on, we utilize these tools to be communication competent. We should beware of emotional labor, the
expectation to manage emotions in work environments. Some settings require a lot of masking, which can take a toll on us as
individuals and within our interpersonal relationships. If we mask at work all day, we become exhausted. The more we mask or
avoid engagement in our emotions, the more we experience emotional labor. Later in this chapter we will discuss identifying our
emotions and using reappraisal as a strategy. The capacity to recognize and act on certain emotions decreases without practice.
This page titled 7.3: Influences on Emotional Expression is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Elizabeth Encarnacion & Tiffany Ruggeri (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Emotional Intelligence, Awareness, and Contagion
Emotions are deeply rooted within our relationships. In some relationships certain language is faux pas, whereas in another
relationship the language is acceptable or even wanted. We will discuss the relational context in this section. We know that
suppressing our emotions facilitates negative emotions, but we are connected to our emotions. Therefore, we discuss facilitative
and debilitative emotions. In this section we discuss the role of emotional intelligence, emotional awareness, and emotional
contagion.
Emotional Intelligence
Many of us are familiar with the term IQ ("intelligence quota") that research has historically used to study the standards of human
intelligence. In parallel to our IQ, researchers also study our emotional intelligence, or EI, which measures our ability to process
emotions and emotional information (Alegre, et al., 2019). EI is a social intelligence that helps us manage our emotions within our
social interactions. It helps us dictate aspects of our expression of emotions, as well as works to help regulate our emotions. Having
a high emotional intelligence means that you are not only able to showcase self-awareness of your own emotions to control and
balance them, but also able to monitor and accurately understand the emotions within others (Connor et. al, 2019). Psychologist
Daniel Goleman conducted extensive research into categorizing what are now known as the five key elements of emotional
intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation, empathy, and social skill (Issah, 2018). Table 7.4.1 describes each
key element of emotional intelligence as well as highlights specific communicative elements that emotional intelligence is enacted
through.
Table 7.4.1 : Varying Intensities of Central Emotion
Component Description
The conscious understanding of our character, feeling,
emotions, desires, personality, and individuality.
Self-awareness
Includes elements of humility, self-confidence, and our
impact on others.
The ability to respond to emotional stimuli in ways that
promote facilitative control over feelings, thoughts, and
Self-regulation physiological responses.
Includes elements of emotional flexibility, comfort with
ambiguity, and openness to change.
The drive to set attainable goals using personal desire as
opposed to external influence.
Self-motivation
Includes elements of organization, commitment, and
optimism.
Listening for understanding of the other person’s feelings
and/or emotion with the goal of validating. Empathic
listening is higher-level listening and therefore requires more
Empathy
energy.
Includes elements of intercultural communication
competence, and nonverbal awareness.
The ability to build and maintain relationships. Effectively
interacting with others, managing social norms, and rules
within communication.
Social skill
Includes elements of verbal and nonverbal communication
norms, intercultural communication competence, and active
listening.
Source: This work is a derivative of Change Leadership: The Role of Emotional Intelligence by Mohammad Issah, under a CC BY.
Figure 7.4.8 by Elizabeth Encarnacion is licensed CC BY 4.0
Emotional Awareness
Although relationships affect our emotions, relationships themselves don’t experience the emotions, we do—as the interpersonal
members of the relationship. Within the study of EI, researchers have expanded their understanding into more precise applications.
One area that has been expanded upon from original research in EI is the concept of emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is
the conscious understanding and recognition of one's own and others' emotions (Agnoli et al., 2019; Alegre, et al., 2019). This is an
important aspect of emotional intelligence. In order to act, or communicate effectively within a given range of emotional
interactions, we must first be acutely aware of what emotions are present to begin with.
Emotional awareness is often experienced at its height during adolescence, when we are experiencing puberty and our
understanding of ourselves in relation to other people. During this time period in our age and development, as many of us probably
remember all too well, it can also be difficult to regulate emotions (Agnoli et al., 2019). Because of the changes that are occurring
in our physiological and emotional selves, this time period of learning and growing is usually met with lots of bumps and bruises
(both physically and metaphorically). This rocky road into adulthood is beneficial for our emotional intelligence and emotional
awareness, and it is crucial in our development of self-concept and self-esteem, which help to mold our emotional intelligence and
awareness as well (Agnoli et al., 2019).
We are constantly being affected by the people around us and managing the emotional responses in those interactions. When
looking at the communicative interaction of our emotions with other people, there are two primary ways we classify emotions:
emotion traits and emotion states. Trait emotional awareness exists when we experience a specific emotion during person-to-
person interactions regardless of whom we are interacting with (Alegre, et al., 2019). Emotion traits are connected to our
personality and demonstrate our habitual and prolonged set of baseline emotions. Emotion traits are inherently linked to the
theoretical framework of the Big Five personality traits we discussed earlier in this chapter (Alegre, et al., 2019). For example,
specifically looking at conscientiousness and neuroticism, and agreeableness, an emotional trait we may label ourselves as could be
as an “anxious person,” where we may not be effective in regulating the feelings of worry or fear. Or we may define ourselves as a
“people-pleaser” if we are consistently focused on other people’s needs and attending to them as opposed to ourselves.
Emotion states exist in smaller “windows'' of time; experiencing them is much less dependent on our personality. Emotion states
are emotions that we experience in a specific moment of time and are generally impacted by the conversations, interactions, and
individuals we are in the presence of. Emotion states come and go much more easily than moods or personality, and they can
change from one moment to the next. Some emotion states we experience are connected “directly to other people, like anger, envy,
jealousy, hate and shame” (The Libarynth. n.d.). For example, we may find that we feel joy and comfort in the presence of certain
people in our lives, while we may feel a sense of annoyance or frustration when interacting with others. Our emotional awareness
that allows us to tune in to these different sets of emotional states and understand the connection and the reasoning as to why we
experience these emotional reactions in the presence of certain people. This greater understanding allows us to better manage our
emotions and create facilitative or positive emotional boundaries, which we will discuss later in this chapter.
Emotional Contagion
Emotions are like yawns: they are contagious. When we see someone yawn, it creates the urge to yawn ourselves—and emotions
work in the same way. This “emotional yawn” is called emotional contagion. Emotional contagion occurs when we are exposed to
other individuals' emotions during social interactions. Our instincts tend to impact these social interactions and create an alignment
with the emotional states we are perceiving in others (Herrando & Constantinides, 2021).
Figure 7.4.1 : Baby’s Grey Knit Hat by Minnie Zhou on Unsplash
Emotional contagion can be both a conscious and unconscious reaction. When we are in social settings with people whom we feel
close to and would identify as significant individuals in our lives, we might be able to pick up and be impacted by their emotion
states more quickly and without reason, as if it is an “automatic” connection we have with the person, whereas other interactions
may require us to appraise, or assess the emotional state of the other person to establish our own reaction (The Libarynth. n.d.).
Both reactions are part of our emotional awareness in balancing our communication to being effective and appropriate.
Emotions can be transferred from one individual to another through a wide array of communicative expressions: physical features,
such as the urge to smile at someone when they smile at you; vocal expressions, as when someone starts to become tearful while
they are talking, we might find ourselves holding back tears as well; posture or kinesics, when we see someone slump down into a
chair we might feel their exhaustion; as well as through our nervous system, where our brain and nerve cells transmit information,
we are able to not just perceive the emotions of others but literally feel them within ourselves.
Empathy versus Sympathy
Emotional contagion relates to the concepts of empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is the ability to understand your own experiences
and emotional reactions to the environment around you and use that as a way to compare to other individuals who may be having
similar emotional experiences. Sympathy is the projection of our emotions on other people, where we might feel bad for the person
but we don’t see ourselves as agents in the emotional state. Empathy, in contrast, is sharing the emotional experiences with the
other person. By showcasing emotional awareness to experience the emotional state of the other person. Empathy is directly
connected to the concept of emotional contagion" in order to feel empathy, one must be able to rely on our instincts in order to
align to the communicative expressions that the other person is conveying. Empathy is expressed in phrases such as “I understand
how hard this is.”
Empathy is a learned skill that not everyone has or will enact the same way as others. Some individuals may not experience
empathy at all, may have heightened levels of empathy, or may be at the same level as others. However we experience empathy, it
does not mean we cannot communicate in an effective manner—but it may mean these aspects of emotional expression do not
come as easily or in the same manner as others. For example, autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is characterized as having more
difficulty enacting communication and social functioning as those who are neurotypical. Individuals who have ASD may express
emotions and empathy in various ways that may look different, such as displaying an overabundance of emotional expression and
empathy, or displaying very little. This impacts the amount of emotional contagion that is being experienced on the individual
level.
Cultural Understanding
Another example of ways in which empathy and emotional contagion may be showcased in different behaviors is through cultural
understanding. All cultures have different display rules regarding emotional expression, as we’ve learned, and that will translate
to affecting others around them in various ways. Research has shown that within many cultures, negative emotional reactions and
the subsequent impact of emotional contagion creates different display rules as well, therefore there are different measures of
emotional contagion in order to understand these concepts within context (Kuang, et al., 2019). One example of different ways
various cultures will showcase empathy include expressions of love. While some cultures showcase love outwardly through public
displays of affection such as hand holding, kissing, or hugging, other cultures do not welcome these overt demonstrations of love in
public ways.
Figure 7.4.2 : Man hugging woman near trees by Gus Moretta on Unsplash
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7.3: Influences on Emotional Expression by Elizabeth Encarnacion, Tiffany Ruggeri is licensed CC BY 4.0.
Context for Managing Emotions
Managing emotions can be difficult given a lot of different factors, including aspects of our internal and external selves that may be
impacting or impacted by the emotions we are experiencing. For example, our self-concept and self-esteem have a large impact on
our emotions and our ability to be effective communicators when these emotions are running high. Managing our emotions does
not mean that we are trying to suppress or make our emotions disappear, but instead it explains how we are reacting to the emotions
we are feeling. There is an unlimited amount of ways we can react, just like there are unlimited amounts of emotions or
combinations of emotions we can feel at any given time. Managing our emotions means that we are feeling our emotions and we
are in control of how we are reacting to them given our surroundings (Course Hero, n.d.b). When people are able to manage their
emotions, they understand that emotions are an important part of the self and that expressing emotions is a natural, healthy, and
necessary part of life—but are also self-aware enough to realize that there are productive and nonproductive ways to react.
Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions

Choosing how we react to our emotions instead of allowing our emotions to overcome us is an important aspect of being a
competent communicator. Being able to know what emotions are facilitative, or helpful, versus what emotions are debilitative, or
harmful, allows us to be able to understand that our emotional reactions do not just affect ourselves and our internal dialogue but
also the way in which we interact and engage with others around us.
When we explore the wide range of possible emotions one could feel, we can generally classify most of those emotions into one of
two categories— and the difference between these two categories really relies on the intensity of the emotion itself. Facilitative
emotions tend to be emotions that do not negatively impact us from the daily tasks or functions of our lives; they allow us to
progress forward in a positive way. Debilitative emotions, on the other hand, tend to be emotions that stop or slow us down from
tasks or functioning effectively. Debilitative emotions typically result in destructive behavior (Lumen, n.d.b). For example, if we
are at work and a co-worker makes us annoyed because of a certain action or behavior, we can generally move past that emotion
quickly and continue working without letting that emotion or the individual causing the emotion to impact our work. However if
instead of annoyance, we were feeling anger, or even rage, that might make it more difficult for us to continue working in the
environment. The emotion might take over us in that moment and it would become harder to make sure our actions and
communication were effective and appropriate.
Ask yourself: “Have I ever felt a sense of rage?” How would you describe that feeling? Many people might say that they “saw red”
in a moment of rage, and they were unsure of what happened next because their emotions were so all-consuming.
Another important factor that makes up debilitative emotions is the longevity of the emotion. There is a difference in feeling
something for a moment in time and then allowing an emotion to pass, and for that emotion to be part of a person’s mindset and
way of thinking. Debilitative emotions can take a person longer to recover from and tend to linger or get thrust into more intense or
dramatic emotions more easily. For example, let's say that you work in a store: If you are having a bad day, it is much easier for that
bad day to be made worse by the smallest things than it is for you to turn that bad day into a good one. If your co-worker has
already annoyed you when you came to work, it might be easier for you to feel annoyed by customers whom you interact with
throughout the day as well. This might make it harder for you to smile or act friendly when new customers enter the store, which
then creates a negative emotional spiral in all of your interactions for the day. Table 7.5.1 details descriptions of both facilitative
and debilitative emotions in comparison to one another.
Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions
Emotional State Description
Can result in constructive behavior (positive outcomes).

Emotional states feel supportive and benefit personal growth.
Include neutral emotions, such as contentment.
e Facilitative emotions
Intense positive emotions may not last long, but create positive
moods.
Focus on aspects that bring the individual joy and happiness.
Emotional State Description
Can result in destructive behavior (negative outcomes).

Emotions tend to take control and become overwhelming.
Take a long time to recover from or “snap out” of the negative
e Debilitative emotions
emotion, creating negative moods.
Fostered by irrational thinking.
Focused on negative self-talk.
Table 7.5.1: Facilitative and Debilitative Emotions by Elizabeth Encarnacion is licensed under CC BY 4.0
Minimizing Debilitative Emotions

Debilitative emotions are fostered by irrational thinking. Irrational thinking is when our mind wanders down a path of thought
that links things together that are unrelated, or makes us only consider our options in a scenario as “black and white” when there
are many possible outcomes that may occur. Irrational thinking can lead to overgeneralizing about the emotions that we are
feeling or about the interactions that caused the emotions. In order to overcome debilitating emotions, there are four steps to help
minimize them, in order to reduce how much impact they are having over us, so that we can instead manage them effectively both
in the moment and in the long term.
Step 1: Monitor Emotional Reactions
What is happening internally at the moment? We should try to name the emotion we are feeling. It is important to be able to gauge
the intensity and severity of the emotion we are feeling. By naming the emotion, we are better able to gain self-awareness of what
that emotion is doing to us both physically and emotionally. Does the emotion change over time or does it stay the same? Does it
get more intense or does it seem to fade? Are there certain people, places, things, phrases, etc. that bring the emotion back or make
the emotion worse? Looking at the example that we provided earlier, if you are aware that you are working with a coworker whom
you typically don’t get along with, it will be important for you to be aware that you get more easily agitated with them. Maybe
you will shorten conversations with them or try to stay busy in areas where they aren’t so that you can avoid communication that
might make you internalize that annoyance. This allows you to focus on communicating with customers and actively putting a
smile on your face in order to hopefully help change your mood internally as well.
Step 2: Note the Activating Event
What caused this emotion to develop inside of me? Does it relate to the setting I am in? The types of people I am communicating
with or interacting with specific people? Or maybe its specific topics of conversation that tend to make this debilitative emotion
“rise to the surface.” One of the authors shares a personal example:
I have a difficult relationship with my mother that extends back the majority of my life. There are many times when I can
remember getting extremely angry in conversations with her, where I have left crying or close to crying because of what was
said. When I try to look back at all the times those types of incidents have happened, I might be able to identify what the
activating event is that creates these extreme and long-lasting emotions. Once I can make the connection that the topic of
conversation around weight or physical features tends to push me into debilitating emotions very quickly, I can then be aware
of when those interactions might come up with my mother in order to have a greater sense of control on how I handle them,
or if I need to avoid them all together.
Step 3: Record Self-Talk
Recording our self-talk is an important part of being able to change the internal dialogue and take back control of the way in which
we allow that emotion to take up space internally. Going back to the workplace example: If you allow yourself to get aggravated
with your co-worker, you might start to hate your job as a whole. While you don’t work with this co-worker all the time, you are
letting the interactions that you have with them impact your overall experience of the workplace. This might begin to impact your
self-concept of your work ethic and your interactions with customers overall. Repeating the internal dialogue of “I hate this place”
might perpetuate conflict with customers or co-workers that you don’t want to occur. For the author's example, she may feel that
she wouldn’t get into these arguments with my mother if she lost weight, or if her body looked different in some way, or if
she exercised more. She may believe that it is her fault these arguments occur because of the way that she looks.
Figure 7.5.1 : Day 3 - Callen-Lorde-4196 by Zackary Drucker from The Gender Spectrum Collection.
Step 4: Dispute Irrational Beliefs
This leads us to the final step in minimizing debilitative emotions, which is to dispute irrational beliefs. You are not a “bad person”
because you don’t get along with all of your co-workers, nor is our author's physical size or shape responsible for the relationship
with her mother. When we start to monitor and take specific note of the self-talk that the debilitative emotions are making us feel,
we can start to see how irrational those debilitative emotions truly are. Being able to see the logic—or the lack of logic—in our
own thought patterns allows us to see that the emotion is taking over control of what we know is true and real. Even being able to
read the self-talk that we used as examples earlier showcases the disconnect the thoughts have in response to the interaction that is
causing these emotions. That does not mean those emotions are not valid—all emotions are valid —however, in those moments,
our emotions are controlling us instead of us controlling our emotions.
Being able to get to a point where we can identify our own irrational beliefs is not always as easy as it sounds, and it is much easier
when written into four steps than it is to practice in real-life examples—especially attempting to do it in the moment when the
emotions are controlling us. But the idea is to challenge our internal dialogue by asking questions, and as with most things in life,
practicing this technique makes us better able to see, recognize, and take back control of these emotions over time.
The four steps in minimizing debilitative emotions are challenging to complete, and require a lot of time, practice, and patience to
work through. It is important to remember that becoming a more competent communicator takes time, and “perfection” does not
exist. Once we feel we are at a place where we are continuously remembering to monitor our emotional reactions and to note the
events that tend to activate certain debilitative emotions, where we are more aware of our self-talk and how to pinpoint the thoughts
and beliefs that are interfering with our lives, we can begin to work on changing our self-talk.
There are many ways we can approach changing our self-talk, but some of the most common advice stems from treating ourselves
like we would treat a friend, based on the cognitive behavioral theory (CBT) through self-compassion. Self-compassion essentially
means that we are being kind to ourselves—understanding that we are all learning and growing, and with growth comes making
mistakes. It is also important to remember that we are all critical of ourselves from time to time, and sometimes our mind does trick
us into believing things that are not true about ourselves. Trying to catch negative self-talk in the moment, and either stopping it
completely or challenging it, is an important way to stop debilitative emotions from spiraling and allow more facilitative emotions
to come forward.
Maximizing Facilitative Emotions

Now that we have looked at ways we can work through overcoming debilitative emotions, it is equally important to learn how we
can maximize facilitative emotions. It is important to understand that all emotions live in tandem with one another; while one
moment we feel a high level of a positive emotion, in the next moment we could be met with a neutral or negative emotion. When
working towards maximizing our facilitative, or positive emotions, it is important to keep at the forefront three important
thoughts: emotions are complex, neutrality in emotions is facilitative, and how culture impacts how facilitative emotions are
constructed.
Emotions Are Complex
Emotions are complex aspects of our identities. In the same way we view the intersection of our identities as being the overlapping
and interdependent social systems that contribute to our understanding of ethnic and cultural identity, we can view emotions as
having the same intersection and interdependence. Emotions do not live in a vacuum, and they are often difficult to distinguish
because there are multiple emotional reactions being felt at the same time. Because of these complexities within emotions, it is
important to understand that modeling facilitative emotions is going to look different for each person. Research has consistently
shown that maximizing facilitative emotions depends strongly on “fit” or the ways in which the strategies to promote facilitative
emotions positively connect to a person’s interests, values, strengths, motivation, or needs (Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2006). In
order to sustain facilitative emotions, it is important to make sure the strategies being used are ones that connect to the needs and
goals of the individual. Choosing activities, exercises, or strategies to promote facilitative emotions that are uniquely satisfying to
the individual will help create habitual commitment and increase the likelihood of the facilitative emotion being increased and
sustained (Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2006).
Neutrality in Emotions Is Facilitative
This also leads to the understanding of what neutrality in emotions are. Neutrality is defined as
feeling indifferent, nothing in particular, and a lack of preference one way or the other. Note, when we use the term
indifferent, we do not use it to indicate disliking something because that would imply a negative rather than a neutral
reaction. (Gasper, et al., 2019)
This neutral emotion can also occur at the same time as other positive or negative emotions as well, relating back to the complexity
that emotions can have within us. Neutral emotions are important to understand and acknowledge within the rollercoaster of
emotions so they are not ignored. Oftentimes neutrality can be seen as a lack of emotion, where emotion is defined as the reaction
to experiences, and in order to have a reaction, it must be charged as either positive or negative. However, neutrality is often the
existence of a more subtle understanding that we do not feel one way or another about our environment, such as the feeling of
contentment, or just feeling “OK” versus feeling “good” or “great.” Neutrality could have a “range of potential consequences,
including helping people cope” with the given environment. As such, neutral emotions are not negative; they are stable in long-
term understanding of our mood and personality traits. This harkens back to our definition of facilitative emotions being ones that
allow us to progress forward in a positive way (Gasper, et al., 2019). When looking at facilitative emotions and ideas for how we
can better foster facilitative emotions, it is important to be mindful and realistic in what facilitative emotions we can achieve. Not
every facilitative emotion is going to be high on the “positivity scale” ; being able to acknowledge when we are able to reach a
level of neutrality in our facilitative emotion building is an important skill.
Culture Impacts how Facilitative Emotions Are Constructed
Research demonstrates that emotions are social interactions that are created within our interpersonal interactions and our social
environments. As you have learned in this book, culture has an important impact on our interpersonal interactions because our
social environments are culturally constructed. Emotions also impact and are impacted by our culture as well (Cho et. al, 2019).
Geert Hofstede’s foundational research in cultural dimensions showcases six prominent ways in which a culture's values, needs,
and social behaviors can be analyzed. The six value dimensions include collectivistic and individualistic cultures, where values of
individual versus group needs are heightened. Research on emotions has traditionally emphasized intrapersonal and individualized
aspects, such as personal self-esteem and our internal dialogue as separate from our interpersonal, communal, communication (Cho
et. al, 2019). These ideas showcase the individualistic understanding of emotion as a cultural value, but do not showcase
collectivistic understanding. Within collectivistic cultures—such as East Asian, Southeast Asian, and South Asian cultures—
emotional values gravitate towards prioritizing group needs as well as emotional well-being (Tsai, 2021). There are many ways in
which emotions are similar across cultures (including our physiological responses to emotions) but there are also important ways in
which emotional behaviors differentiate, and these differentiations are important to understand in making sure we are creating
effective and appropriate interpretations on our emotional response within communication interactions.
Figure 7.5.2 : Friendship by Chona Kasinger on Disabled and Here
Facilitative emotions are imperative to our mental well-being as individuals as well as our well-being within relationships (Sheldon
& Lyubomirsky, 2006). Creating and fostering positive emotions takes time and effort, and while there is no “one size fits all”
method to maximizing facilitative emotions, research does show there to be some strategies that are likely to work given
commitment and longevity of practice (Sheldon & Lyubomirsky, 2006):
Spend time socializing or doing activities that bring joy.
Become present-oriented to help enjoy and savor positive emotional experiences.
Regard challenging situations as opportunities for growth.
Express gratitude in order to savor positive experiences with others.
Commit to acts of kindness.
Identify and use your unique strengths.
Visualizing ones’ best possible self in all aspects.
Working on personal goals.
Choose compassion for others, understanding that we all have different experiences that make up who we are, instead of
contempt in viewing others as below or beneath us.
 Consider This: Encanto Connections
Encanto (2021) is a film showcasing the Madrigal family, who live in Columbia. They have been gifted with an enchanted
candle and casita (house), which they have used to support an enchanted village community. The lineage of Madrigal family
members each have a special gift, except Mirabel. Throughout the story, viewers can see facilitative and debilitative emotions
at work. To illustrate how we could maximize our facilitative emotions and minimize our debilitative emotions, we will use
these characters as an example.
There are many facilitative emotions where the emotions the characters experience are positive and connect to our identities
and interests. For instance, the sister relationship between Mirabel and Luisa is one of support and love. The interaction where
Mirabel is scared and is asking Luisa about what could be causing the enchanted house to crack, we see that Mirabel’s attitude
goes from worrying about the house, to focusing on supporting her sister. Through this change in emotions, Maribel is
showcasing how to support her sister’s development of facilitative emotions through her active listening. By the end of this
scene, Luisa relaxes into Maribel and cries, allowing her to break down the emotional walls she had built up.
We see a few instances of debilitative emotions and how they hurt the characters as well. Let's talk about Bruno. Why is Bruno
a taboo topic? The Bruno character is vilified because his gift of premonition is seen as creating negative outcomes, although
the future is not dictated or guided by Bruno in any way. Bruno is able to experience very big and powerful emotions and
experiences a high amount of emotional contagion from the other family members. While many of the family members
perceive Bruno’s gift as negative, we know that debilitative emotions are fostered through irrational thinking. Had the family
members been aware of the blaming language they used, they could have changed this language and reframed their perceptions
of his gift to promote their relationship with Bruno as well as to understand the true meaning of his power. Conversely, Bruno
could have stood up for himself and explained how their language and actions were negatively affecting him so that he did not
feel that leaving the family was necessary.
The Madrigal family, like many Colombian families, is collectivistic and works together to achieve their goals. Their
collectivism and unity is the family’s true gift and strength, but without proper communication channels and facilitating
emotional growth of each member, this strength can also become their downfall, creating cracks in the foundation of their
identity. Through promoting positive communication tools and skills, the family members learn how to overcome these cracks
and rebuild a stronger foundation. Luisa should work on communicating the feelings of being burdened by her daily
responsibilities and Bruno should find ways to soften harsh realities that will occur. The family could then reframe their beliefs
about his powers and it could change the consequences. Both of these two characters could record their self-talk. Luisa and
Bruno perpetuated debilitative emotions through the language they used when describing themselves. Finally, they could
dispute irrational beliefs. Strength is not always physical, and Luisa’s character was strong even when she was physically
weak. Bruno was helping the family even when hiding in the house's walls. Bruno was simply using the gift he was given, and
this was not a reflection of his identity. By identifying and using their unique strengths, they made the family stronger. We can
follow these steps to help us minimize the debilitative and maximize the facilitative emotions we experience.
1. What are some constructive ways you can work towards maximizing facilitative emotions in your own life? Think of three
to five specific strategies that you can draw from when debilitative emotions start to form. Spend a week being mindful of
your emotions, both facilitative and debilitative, and take notes on what helped you the most during these emotionally
charged events.
2. We know that emotions are contagious (emotional contagion). Is there an example you have that shows when you have
experienced a positive or negative emotional contagion? Are there ways for us to promote positive emotional contagion?
How does this relate to facilitative versus debilitative emotions?
This page titled 7.5: Managing Emotions is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Elizabeth
The ABC Model
We’ve spent a majority of this chapter looking at the various ways in which we are effected and affected by our emotions.
Emotions are powerful parts of our identities; there are many ways in which our emotions positively and negatively impact our life
experiences. Being able to distinguish our emotions from one another, anticipating when debilitative emotions may arise, and
recognizing the power we hold in order to change our emotional reaction based on our perceptions is the next step in important
skills we can add to our toolbox of competent communication.
Psychologists have largely studied the ways in which emotional responses occur within the mind and body. The appraisal theory of
emotions demonstrates that emotions arise from how our internal communication responds to an event. An appraisal is our internal
communication creating an opinion, interpreting, judging, and responding to an event (Course Hero, n.d.a). When we appraise an
event, we are creating an emotion in response based on our beliefs and perceptions. Stress can be a great example of how appraisal
works. When we experience stress, there are often times that we can pinpoint what is causing the stress, called the stressor. Our
perception of the stressor is that it is overwhelming or that it is causing an extraordinary amount of pressure. These judgments of
the stressor are creating our emotional reaction to the event itself (Spielman, et al., n.d.a). The event we are experiencing does not
cause the emotion: our judgments about the event do. But these judgments are rarely done with complete conscious awareness on
our part. The appraisal process is automatic, which is why we can often find ourselves in an emotional state that we can’t explain
and do not prefer. But we do have the ability to reappraise our emotion-based judgments. Reappraisal is the process of consciously
reevaluating the interpretations and responses to events. Our appraisal process is constantly learning and adapting to the
environment and can be guided. When we are equipped with skills to actively reappraise situations and contexts that block our
ability to feel productive emotions, we can work to reframe the internal communication and change the thoughts and beliefs into
rational ones.
Rational-emotive behavioral therapy is a type of therapy that helps individuals gain communicative skills in the reappraisal process.
The framework behind the rational-emotive approach involves trying to gain a deeper understanding of the causes behind
emotional reactions. This type of therapy has three guiding principles, which fall under the ABC model. The ABC model aims to
identify the activating event (A) that causes the irrational belief (B), then to understand and adjust the emotional response, or
consequence (C) to better process the information and adjust the emotional outcomes (Turner, 2016). Next, we will walk through
the ABC model with examples of how it might play out in our everyday life.
Recognize the Activating Event (A)

We start the ABC model with recognizing the activating event. Sometimes when we are in the middle of experiencing an emotion,
we do not stop to isolate what happened beforehand. We can start to recognize this activating event to help us understand where we
are emotionally. You may ask yourself:
What happened right before I noticed the change in my emotional state?
Who was around me or involved in the event? How did they react or what did they do in the event?
What was my role in this event?
Then it is important to be able to name the emotion we are experiencing. It is important to be able to build up self-awareness and to
be able to name and identify our emotions. Pay attention to the way your body reacts to emotions: What are you feeling physically,
mentally, and emotionally? Are you sad, frustrated, or angry? Sometimes our physical reactions to these very different emotions
can feel the same. Being self-aware and tapping into our emotional intelligence will allow us to fine-tune what we’re truly feeling
and how we choose to name it.
For example, in the workplace we tend to mask a lot. Reappraisal is an effective tool to avoid the emotional labor of constant
masking. Consider if you have a boss that tends to be insensitive frequently. Once we have made a generalization of someone’s
actions, it is easy to continue this trend. Once someone acts on our beliefs of what that person’s personality traits are we tend to see
their actions as fitting into those characteristics, which we call confirmation bias.
One of our authors shares her personal example:
I had a boss once who was very terse in the morning before drinking coffee, yet made comments to me about my morning
attitude. I tried to understand why he made these attributions of my behavior and found that I was using confirmation bias,
but should have used reappraisal to avoid this trend. I looked first at the activating event itself. I found that in going straight
to my computer before a morning greeting, I was in fact supporting his confirmation bias that I was unfriendly in the
morning. Not starting with a morning greeting was that activating event. In reflecting on the previous questions, it was easier
for me to see, I played many roles in this event. First, I had confirmation bias, so it is easy not to accept that I played a role in
his perceptions of my behavior. Second, I was able to name my emotions. It was hurtful and resulted in me feeling defensive.
So why was she mad? This leads to the next step, which is challenging our interpretations of the event.
Challenge the Irrational Beliefs (B)

Once we have isolated the activating event and are able to name our emotion(s), we can start to challenge any beliefs that are
proliferating negative emotions, which are called irrational beliefs. This term may imply that we are illogical, but in this sense it
refers to the loss of connection from our experiences to our understanding (of lack thereof) of those experiences. We can start by
being blunt, honest, and logical with ourselves in order to push towards changing our thoughts and behaviors. This is a
straightforward request of ourselves, but it is difficult to do.
When we challenge our deeply held beliefs, we can start to make changes where we find it beneficial to. We need to own our
feelings. This involves using the language of responsibility. Recall that some language assigns blame, which is not necessarily used
intentionally. If we remove “you” language and use “I” language or “we” language, we can open the door to understanding. We can
avoid “but” statements or anything defensive. In Chapter 4, we discussed defensive language in detail, but here we can add that
removing defensive language can open the doors to effective communication. We should strive for accurate and authentic
conversations, and avoid speaking in generalities, counterfeit emotional language, and patronizing responses. We should focus on
owning feelings, or revisiting “I” language. Then we can identify the underlying thought patterns and beliefs that lead us to
conclusions about the intent behind the message, the relational dimensions attached to our emotions, and challenging “absolutes.”
These will often be reflected as absolutes, such as “I must,” “I should,” or “I cannot.” Possessing rigid expectations of ourselves
and others only leads to disappointment, judgment, regret, and anxiety.
For example, consider this statement: ”My roommate makes me so angry! He always eats the food in the refrigerator that I have my
name on!” This can be reframed without the absolutes, to give ourselves room for alternative conclusions: "I am really frustrated
because the food in the refrigerator I wanted to eat is gone." By removing the absolutes and blame, we open ourselves to
understand this could have been unintentional and gives us room to move through the emotion instead of spiraling the emotion or
enhancing the negative consequences of that emotion.
Recognize the Emotional Consequences (C)

Often we see our emotions as our own, but our emotions affect others (like with emotional contagion). We can attempt to recognize
the consequences for experiencing our emotions. Perhaps we do not want to be seen as “angry” at work or “defensive” with friends.
We can start by changing our listening style when we notice activating events occurring. When we are people-oriented listeners, we
focus on the relational dimension instead of the circumstances of the moment. Then we can respond sensitively when others
communicate their emotions. If our emotions are contagious and we influence each other in multiple dimensions, it is important to
ascribe to the policy “treat others the way you want to be treated.” We want validation. When we share our emotional experiences
with others, it can allow us to feel vulnerable. We can validate emotional responses of others while respecting boundaries to ensure
our relational partners know they are respected. When we reframe or reappraise the situation, we give ourselves room to change our
perspectives and our underlying emotions.
There are steps we may take proactively to avoid needing to constantly reappraise. We start by using the language of responsibility
from Chapter 4. When we use language that automatically places blame on others, we may become defensive. If we follow the
steps of the language of responsibility, we are taking responsibility for our actions and beliefs without blaming others. We can also
look at past encounters and figure out if there are patterns that we can avoid. There are times we have irrational thoughts (such as
assigning intentionality) we can avoid. When we are faced with similar situations in the future, the emotionally healthy response
recognizes failure is a part of life, and that all emotions are necessary (to some extent) but need to be channeled appropriately. By
recognizing patterns, we can change our thinking in an attempt to change our negative emotions and channel them in a way that
protects ourselves and our relationships.
This page titled 7.6: Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Effectively is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Multiple Authors (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Ways to Find Support
Throughout this chapter we have explored the variety of ways our emotions can manifest themselves. We have also discussed ways
to understand where our emotions stem from both internally as well as within our social environments. One thing has been made
clear throughout each section of this chapter: emotions are challenging at times, and being able to control our emotions is an
essential part of our communication and interpersonal relationships. When we are in tune with ourselves and have emotional
awareness it can help us in many aspects of life including decision-making, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and self-
esteem.
There are some emotions that are more difficult than others to manage and can not only impact our short-term emotional state but
can also physically alter our personality and our sense of self. Emotions such as grief, trauma, depression, anxiety, stress, and anger
are emotional experiences that can often feel invisible but are valid. During these challenging emotions, it can feel extremely
difficult to express what the emotions feel like, not only to others but even ourselves. It can feel impossible to reach out for support
or know where we can turn to to find empathy, but it is an extremely important step in being able to cope with these emotions.
Among our basic needs as human beings are social needs: we need to be able to find others who are like us and that we can express
ourselves to. During times where we feel threatened by our emotions, finding support and being able to talk through our emotions
is a vital step in creating a positive outlook. This step has the ability to create a positive change in mood and allows us to continue
to function in our daily life. Finding support comes in many forms, and the kind of support we need in one instance will change to
the next. Having the ability to pull from our support resources will allow us to find what we need in order to confront these
feelings. It is important to remember that we are not a burden to other people, that we are not weak, and that every single person
needs to be supported by others throughout our lives. We will be able to be that support for someone else when they need it one
day, and provide empathy for their situation.
Some ways in which we may find support in order to help cope with challenging emotions include:
Find someone we feel safe with. Find friends, family, or loved ones who can be there to listen to us. While it can feel really
difficult to reach out, remember that the loved ones we choose to reach out to are honored to be able to help us in such
important ways.
Take care of a pet. Being able to care for an animal and feel love from an animal has significant benefits for our mood
regulation both mentally and physically.
Showcase support. Sometimes being able to be of help to others allows us to feel supported ourselves. Volunteering or
providing service can help to strengthen our goals and regulate our mental outlook.
Join a support group. Talking with and listening to other individuals who are going through similar emotions as us is a really
humbling way to make sure we know we aren’t alone.
Seek medical help. Therapy and counseling can be beneficial for many people in order to not only talk out their thoughts and
emotions, but to gain feedback and support in a constructive manner. While many counselors do cost money, there are free and
affordable options through colleges and universities, as well as city programs that we can use in order to get the appropriate care
we deserve.
Figure 7.7.1 : C “Dominique Davis for Disabled and Here” By Dominique Davis on Disabled and Here.
This page titled 7.7: Coping with Challenging Emotions is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Multiple Authors (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) via source content that was edited to the style and standards of the
Summary
In this chapter we discussed how to identify psychological, cultural, cognitive, and expressive dimensions of emotions and their
impact on interpersonal communication. We covered personality, social, and relational influences on emotional expression and how
they impact our perceptions. Emotional intelligence plays a large role in communication competence, and understanding the
dimensions of emotional intelligence helps us to achieve our goals. After reading this chapter you should be able to apply the skills
we discussed in order to understand, express, and respond to emotions, and implement strategies to manage or minimize
debilitative emotions and how to foster or maximize facilitative emotions. By managing and coping with our emotions during
difficult times, we can increase our communication competence.
1. Do you think that the language used around emotions impacts how that emotion is experienced? For example, using the word
“furious” as opposed to “angry”, or “confident” instead of “successful” can impact the physiological or psychological impact of
that emotion? Why or why not?
2. Is there a time you have used masking (intentional or unintentional) that helped or hindered your communication?
3. How do you think the ABC model relates to emotional intelligence? Have you had an experience where you used the ABC
model to enhance an experience? Are there ways that you can continue to use the ABC model to promote relational and self
growth?
4. We know that emotions are not inherently negative as we experience them at all times, but the perception is that we should
avoid being “emotional.” Is there a time in your life when you experienced a reaction to being “emotional?” Is there a way for
us to change this perception?
5. How do you think social media impacts your emotions? Do you think that you experience emotional contagion from the types
of social media you consume?
This page titled 7.8: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Elizabeth
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interpersonal-communication
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
8: Communication Climate
Define communication climate and describe how it develops.
Distinguish between supportive and defensive patterns of communication.
Apply skills to promote confirming communication climates.
In this chapter, we define and explore the basic principles of communication climate. Then, we lay out some strategies for
identifying, achieving and responding to supportive and defensive patterns of communication. Lastly, we explore some skills to
support confirming communication climates. Understanding climate can help us communicate more purposefully to achieve our
interpersonal needs and goals.
8.7: References
8: Communication Climate is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel.
1
Defining Communication Climate
Ever notice that as rain drops from the sky, your mood sometimes drops, too? You might chalk it up to coincidence if you feel meh
on a dreary day. Sure, the Carpenters sang, “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” Rain can and does put a damper on
the mood.
So, too, the “climate” of our interpersonal communication may influence our mood. When someone acknowledges our ideas, we
may feel “warm” inside with that positive validation. On the other hand, we might experience a “cold,” empty feeling if our ideas
are totally ignored or attributed to someone else. You might think about communication climate as a sort of “interpersonal
communication weather report.”
Communication climate is the "overall feeling or emotional mood between people" (Wood, 2015, p. 218). If you dread family get-
togethers because there is tension, or you look forward to getting together with friends because you know you will have a good
time, you are responding to the communication climate— the overall mood that is created because of the people involved and the
type of communication they bring to the interaction.
Figure 8.1.1 : Smiles in the street from mom by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
In this chapter, we will define and explore the basic principles of communication climate. Then, we will lay out some strategies for
identifying, achieving, and responding to supportive and defensive patterns of communication. Lastly, we will explore some skills
to support confirming communication climates. Understanding climate can help us communicate more purposefully to achieve our
interpersonal needs and goals.
Figure 8.1.2 : Young People in Conversation by Alexis Brown on Unsplash
This page titled 8.1: Introduction to Communication Climate is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Messages that Shape Communication Climate
We all experience the realities of confirming and disconfirming responses in interpersonal interactions in our everyday lives. One
of our authors shares this example:
My daughter taught me an important lesson about disconfirming and confirming responses when she was a kindergartener.
One Saturday afternoon, I was busy cooking in our apartment’s tiny kitchen when she came up to me and started a
conversation about wanting to go outside to do something. I kept focusing on what I was cooking on the stove because I did
not want the food to burn. I simply replied with “We’ll see” before she had even gotten to the end of her request. She tugged
on my shirt, looked up at me, and said: “I need you to look at me so I know that you are listening to me. I know that you said,
‘We’ll see,’ but that really means ‘no.’” Well, that young girl really caught her mother, a professor of communication, in the
midst of giving her different disconfirming responses. What was great about this incident was that she pointed out these
disconfirming responses in such a clear, positive way! This is a story that I still share with my interpersonal communication
students. Have you had a similar experience?
Let’s start by looking at positive and negative climates created by confirming and disconfirming messages. Confirming climates
occur when we receive messages that show we are valued by others. Conversely, we feel disconfirming climates when we receive
messages that suggest we are devalued and unimportant. Next, we will examine confirming climates along the dimensions of
attending, affirming, and accepting messages. After that, we will explore negative climates in terms of disregarding,
disparaging, and denouncing messages. Finally, we look at at three types of messages that create confirming and disconfirming
climates. Keep in mind that all three types of messages can be conveyed both verbally and nonverbally. Obviously, most of us like
to be in confirming climates, because they foster emotional safety as well as personal and relational growth. However, it is likely
that our relationships fall somewhere between the two extremes.
Figure 8.2.1 : Mom & Son By Saradhi Photography on Unsplash
Confirming Climates
Attending Messages
An attending message indicates recognition and confirmation of another person’s existence. For example, when a family member
arrives home and we greet them with, “Welcome home! I’m so glad to see you,” we are confirming their existence. Likewise, when
we answer the phone, we say, “Hello” as a greeting to the person on the other end. Imagine the awkwardness of not being
recognized if someone answers the phone in silence. In fact, sending attending messages are so important that Walmart hires
"greeters" whose purpose is to make customers feel welcome as they enter. Many other retailers have followed suit, and you will
often hear, "Hi! Welcome to [name of store]" upon entering a store. Attending messages are the most basic form of confirmation. A
simple nod or wink of acknowledgment can go a long way to establishing a positive communication climate.
Affirming Messages
Affirming messages go beyond attending to also convey our interest and concern for the other party. Nodding our head while
listening, or laughing appropriately at a funny story are nonverbal affirmations of interpersonal engagement. When your significant
other tells you they had a really bad day at work and you respond with, “I’m sorry to hear you had a bad day. Do you want to have
some coffee and cake and tell me about it?” you are acknowledging and responding to their feelings.
Accepting Messages
Accepting messages are the strongest of confirming messages. An accepting message acknowledges a person’s feelings as valid
through agreement and/or showing support. Suppose a friend comes to you upset, after a fight with their partner. If you respond
with, “Wow, I can understand why you are upset” you are endorsing their right to feel upset. When we let people own their
emotions and do not tell them how to feel, we are creating supportive climates that provide a safe environment for them to work
through their problems.
Figure 8.2.2 : Confirming-Disconfirming GameTiles by Kim Yee is licensed CC BY-NC-SA 4.0. Moving from top to bottom, the
tiles spell out "disparaging," "disregarding," "denouncing," "accepting," "attending," and "affirming."
Disconfirming Climates
While attending, affirming, and accepting have both confirming and disconfirming attributes, disconfirming messages can further
be classified as disregarding, disparaging, and denouncing.
Disregarding Messages
Messages that disregard can be seen as the opposite of attending. Disregarding messages convey to the other person that they are
unimportant or even nonexistent. In recent times, we have become so attached to our electronic devices that phubbing has become
an easy and prolific way of disregarding people in face-to-face interactions. Phubbing (phone + snubbing) occurs when we snub,
or ignore, others by giving our attention to our electronic devices. Typical phubbers fail to provide nonverbal cues to communicate
recognition, like eye contact or a smile. Additionally, phubbing behaviors are seen as signs of disrespect. We have all experienced
phubbing, either from the giving or receiving end, or maybe even both! Now that you’re aware of phubbing, you can be more
consciously mindful of your intent (Kelly, et al., 2019).
Disparaging Messages
Disparaging messages range from passive-aggressive to downright aggressive, showing discord and disgust. Sometimes, a
disparaging message can look like a compliment. For example, Ching-Heng received the comment, “You have such good
penmanship [compliment] for a left-hander [implying somehow that all left-handers’ writing is messy].” Behaviors like name-
calling, sarcasm, badgering, yelling, taunting, and put-downs attack the person you are communicating with (Bishop et al., 2012).
The strategy here is that the disparaging party tries to establish superiority by tearing down the other person’s self-worth.
Bullying is a form of aggressive, disparaging conduct that has gotten a lot of attention. According to stopbullying.gov, bullying
involves “unwanted, aggressive behavior… that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the
potential to be repeated, over time” (US Department of Health and Human Services, 2022). Physical, in-person bullying has always
been a problem. Now, with increased use and reliance on electronic devices, cyberbullying has become almost an epidemic.
“Cyberbullying includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else”
(US Department of Health and Human Services, 2021). It seems many cyberbullies experience the disinhibition effect (Suler,
2004). Hiding behind electronic devices, devoid of face-to-face interactions, appears to bring out a side of people that they would
otherwise not have the courage to show. As a result, online name-calling, put-downs, etc. in comments and social media forums
have spiked in recent years contributing to an uptick in social anxiety as well.
Denouncing Messages
Being denounced is the worst form of disconfirmation. When we are denounced, we are excluded, banished, or shunned on
purpose. Most of us have probably experienced this (from either the giving or receiving end) at one time or another. According to
Parramore (2014), being denounced hurts even more than being bullied. At least when we’re bullied, we’re receiving some kind of
attention/feedback, albeit negative. When denounced, we are ostracized and made to feel nonexistent—not even worth the effort to
be bullied. Experiences can range from getting the silent treatment from an angry parent to ghosting or getting ghosted by
"friends," to being outright stonewalled by your significant other. The person denouncing is exercising almost abusive power over
the other person by purposely excluding them and making them feel diminished.
When too many disconfirming messages are being sent and received, people generally become defensive. When we are defensive,
we are, first and foremost, protecting our own interests. The likely results tend not to be productive but rather escalate whatever
conflict already exists.
Figure 8.2.3 : Worthlessness by John Hain from Pixabay. The man's figure is made up of word such as "ignored," "undeserving,"
"devalued," "insigificant," and other synonyms for "worthless."
 Enhancing your Knowledge
Figure 8.2.4 : People first Collage on CDC is in the Public Domain
According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2019) 1 in 4 adults in the United States experience some type of
disability. In the past, people with disabilities were segregated into different classrooms and separate schools. We’ve come a
long way from that to mainstream students with disabilities into the general education classrooms. As a result, we’re teaching
children from a young age to be inclusive and accept people of all abilities. Even still, people sometimes unintentionally use
words and phrases that are insensitive and do not promote dignity, respect, or understanding for folks with disabilities.
Unintentional or not, it sends disconfirming messages of disrespect all the same.
Table 8.2.1 : CDC Recommendations for “People-First" Language
Tips Use Do not Use
Confined or restricted to a wheelchair,

Person who uses a wheelchair
Emphasize abilities, not limitations wheelchair-bound
Person who uses a device to speak
Can't talk, mute
Person with a disability Disabled, handicapped

Person of short stature Midget
Do not use language that suggests the lack of
Person with cerebral palsy Cerebral palsy victim
something
Person with epilepsy or seizure disorder Epileptic
Person with multiple sclerosis Afflicted by multiple sclerosis
Emphasize the need for accessibility, not the

Accessible parking or bathroom Handicapped parking or bathroom
disability
Person with a physical disability

Person with an intellectual, cognitive, Crippled, lame, deformed, invalid, spastic
developmental disability Slow, simple, moronic, defective, afflicted,
Do not use offensive language
Person with an emotional or behavioral special person
disability, a mental health impairment, or a Insane, crazy, psycho, maniac, nuts
psychiatric disability
Avoid language that implies negative

Person without a disability Normal person, healthy person
stereotypes
Do not portray people with disabilities as

Person who is successful, productive Has overcome their disability, is courageous
inspirational only because of their disability
Discussion Questions/ Journal Prompts

1. Drawing on your past experiences, what have you learned from working with people of all abilities, whether in the
classroom, workplace, or another context?
2. Disabilities are not always “visible.” One of our authors shares a personal example: "My mom was a cancer patient who
was weakened by her chemo treatment. As a result, she was able to get a disabled parking placard. Upon first glance, some
people thought she was cheating the system and would say unkind things to her." What can we do to create a safe
space/confirming climate in situations where we are not aware or privy to this information?
3. Describe a situation where you had unintentionally created a disconfirming situation involving a person who has a
disability. Reflect on your verbal and nonverbal messages and discuss what you think went wrong.
Confirming and Disconfirming Responses: Well, It Depends!

It is important to note that many behaviors may be interpreted differently—as disconfirming at one end of the continuum or as
confirming at the other end of the continuum. Sometimes cultural norms play a role in the confirmation–disconfirmation
continuum. There are many ways to say “no” without using the word “no” in some cultures. For example, a master’s thesis
published in November 2020 investigated “50 ways to say ‘No’ in Japanese: A study in refusals among Japanese people”
(Maciejewski, 2020). As the author stated in the abstract of his thesis: “indirectness as a polite refusal strategy in Japanese can
often lead to misunderstandings since indirectness is not always regarded as polite in other languages.” Such indirectness could be
interpreted as an ambiguous or irrelevant disconfirming response on the part of someone outside of Japanese culture.
You might be familiar with a response that sometimes comes up in interpersonal interactions known as a tangential response. This
occurs when the speaker briefly acknowledges a person’s contribution to a conversation, but then immediately changes the
direction of the discussion. Why is this a potentially a disconfirming response? After all, the person is acknowledged. The
conversation partner may feel disconfirmed because the gist of what they said was not addressed in any way. The speaker changed
the topic and basically ignored the individual’s contribution. The speaker’s comment was irrelevant to the topic that had been
brought up by the conversation partner. In our Communication classroom discussions, we have sometimes used a tangential type of
response in facilitating classroom discussions. We use a tangential response because we want to acknowledge a student’s question
or comment, but we may need to move the discussion on because of time. We will typically affirm a student’s question or comment
by thanking them by name and telling them that we appreciated their contribution, but that we must move on to the next topic due
to time. We do our best to make sure that a student is heard and acknowledged even if we must move the discussion along. (By the
way, our Interpersonal Communication students usually smile and acknowledge my affirming tangential”response after we have
covered the chapter on communication climate!) Our students understand that we use tangential responses as a way to keep the
class discussion going.
So, it is important to note that different communication behaviors may have more than one intended message and, in turn, have
more than one possible interpretation. The continuum shown in Figure 8.2.5 is a visual representation of how we can slide back
and forth from disconfirming responses to confirming responses in our interpretation of messages. Confirming and disconfirming
messages are not “absolute.” They can vary in degree of positivity and negativity, moving from invalidating and denying to
acknowledging and validating.
Figure 8.2.5 : Disconfirming Responses and Confirming Response Continuum by Armeda C. Reitzel CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
Figure 8.2.6 : Frustrated by Robin Higgins from Figure 8.2.7 :U

Pixabay
A person might perceive a response by a conversation partner as either disconfirming or confirming. The interpretation may depend
on several factors, including culture, context, status, and relationship. It is important to be somewhat flexible in interpreting what a
person might mean because there could be some differences in communication style and strategies.
Here are some examples of communication behaviors that could be regarded as disconfirming at times, but they could also be seen
as confirming in other communication interactions. As stated earlier, “Well, it just depends!”
One conversation partner gives no overt response to the other. That person is not acknowledged verbally or nonverbally.
Disconfirming interpretations of this behavior might be interpreted by the receiver as:
“I feel totally ignored.”
“I am a ‘nonentity.’”
“I am not worth recognizing.”
“I do not even warrant a negative response.”
On the other hand, that same behavior could have a confirming interpretation attached to it:
“What I said or did was best left without acknowledgement.”
“Maybe this was a ‘face-saving’ strategy on the part of my conversation partner(s).”
A conversation partner jumps right into what the other partner is saying.
The interrupted partner might view this behavior as a way to silence their voice and viewpoint, a disconfirming type of
communication.
“What I have to say is insignificant.”
“My conversation partner’s ideas are more important than mine.”
“I am not worth listening to.”
“My conversation partner jumps right into what I am saying to take “center stage” and all of the attention and dismiss
my contributions.”
That same “interrupting behavior” could also be interpreted in a confirming way.
“Wow, we are both on the same page! We are thinking alike!”
“My conversation partner is in sync with what I have to say and how I am saying it.”
“I have piqued the interest and enthusiasm of my conversation partner so much that they want to jump into the
conversation.”
One conversation partner gives the other mixed verbal and nonverbal signals or is ambiguous in their message to them.
When meanings are vague or when the verbal and nonverbal cues contradict each other, disconfirming interpretations might
include:
“My conversation partner is lying to me. They say one thing verbally but another thing nonverbally.”
“My conversation partner is not being transparent or truthful with me.”
“My conversation partner is purposely trying to confuse me so I lose my focus.”
Sometimes this same vague or ambiguous message could be seen as affirming behavior, such as:
“I know that my conversation partner needs time to think about what is being said.”
“My conversation partner needs time to figure out what their viewpoint or answer is.”
“My conversation partner may be engaging in some face-saving behavior at the moment.”
“I know that the answer is really ‘no’ even though that is not what my conversation partner is saying with their words.
They are trying to lighten the ‘no’ by using the word ‘maybe’ or the phrase ‘We’ll see.’”
One conversation partner changes the topic.
This last example can leave a person feeling disconfirmed. Possible interpretations may include:
“I feel totally ignored.”
“I am a ‘nonentity.’”
“I am not worth recognizing.”
“I do not even warrant a negative response.”
Yet there could be other ways to interpret this communicative behavior that actually can be seen as confirming.
“What I said or did was best left without acknowledgement.”
“Maybe this was a ‘face-saving’ strategy on the part of my conversation partners.”
What does all of this mean? It suggests that there may be different ways to perceive and interpret communication that may leave
one conversation partner thinking that they are being disconfirmed while another might see that same behavior as a positive,
supportive behavior. Culture is a key factor in determining these differing perceptions of the same verbal and nonverbal cues. The
concepts of high-context communication and low-context communication play a critical role here. Having a clear understanding
of context can help you become a more effective communicator by lowering the chances of miscommunication and
misunderstandings.
Figure 8.2.8 : Feedback by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
This page titled 8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
High- versus Low-Context Communication
Anthropologist Edward T. Hall applied the concept of context to different cultures and how people communicated. He introduced
the idea of high-context cultures and low-context cultures (Hall, 1976).
So what is context and why is it important to interpersonal communication? The Department of State’s resource titled So You’re an
American? A Guide to Answering Difficult Questions Abroad provides a good definition of context in communication between
people from different cultures:
Context literally means “with text”—it’s all of the information surrounding what is being said, from the setting to the people
involved and their standing within a given culture. The context of any interpersonal exchange can impact much of what is
said and meant. Cultural norms regarding context vary greatly. In many ways, these cultural differences related to context
influence how people communicate. (Foreign Service Institute, n.d.)
High-context communication typically occurs when, because of common history, a group of people have shared meanings,
routines, and rituals. Because of this, communication tends to be indirect and implicit, and people rely on their intuition in
interpreting what is being said and not said. Nonverbal behavior takes a central role in communication in high-context interactions.
Low-context communication occurs when messages must be direct and explicit because there is a lack of shared meaning. Ideas
are expressed by individuals verbally with a good amount of explanation and reasoning. Things must be stated in an articulate,
unambiguous manner without relying on intuition because there is little or no perceived common history.
In-Groups versus Out-Groups

This idea of high-context and low-context communication can be used to discuss the characteristics of groups. An in-group is a
social group that people identify with and feel that they belong to. Members share the interests, narratives, and language (both
verbal and nonverbal) of the in-group. The members of an in-group would typically communicate with each other toward the high
context end of the high-context and low-context continuum.
An example of an in-group is Major League Baseball (MLB) fans. Members of the MLB fan in-group most likely know quite a bit
about the history, statistics, language, and logos of the sport, especially for the team that they support and root for. One of our
authors provides an example:
I remember an informative speech that a student gave on the history of the San Francisco Giants in my public speaking class.
They delivered a well-organized speech in which they did a great job of outlining and explaining the history of the team.
Since I am a big fan of major league baseball, I understood all of the lingo and examples that they used in their speech. I was
reminded that I was a member of the MLB fan in-group when several of the students in the audience asked “What is an
‘RBI’?” and “Could you explain what a ‘tablesetter’ and a ‘southpaw’ are?” I had understood what the speaker was referring
to, but the students in the class who did not identify as major league baseball fans had no clue about what was being talked
about when these terms were used. Those students were part of the out-group and did not share the same knowledge that the
speaker and I had about baseball. The speaker and I both understood the high-context aspects of the informative speech. The
students who were not baseball fans needed a more low-context approach to understand the speaker’s message and feel
confirmed as audience members interested in learning more about the San Francisco Giants.
The High Context–Low Context Communication Continuum

As you can see, context plays a major role in our interpretation of the communication climate of a situation and whether we feel
confirmed or disconfirmed by our conversation partner. High-context communication and low-context communication can be
depicted at the opposite ends of a continuum, as shown in Figure 8.3.1. An accessible text version of the infographic is linked in
the figure caption.
Figure 8.3.1 : The High Context–Low Context Communication Continuum by Armeda C. Reitzel is licensed CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
An accessible text version is provided here: High Context-Low Context Communication Continuum with Explanations
How might a person from a high-context culture or in-group view the direct, explicit, detailed verbal communication style of
someone using low-context communication? They might feel that the low-context person is talking down to them because they do
not need all of that explanation or detailed instructions. They might think: “Why does that person think that I don’t get it? Do they
think I can’t figure it out? Do they think that I am stupid? Do they not trust me?” These interpretations certainly lead to feelings of
disconfirmation.
A person from a low-context culture could also experience feelings of disconfirmation when interacting with someone who is from
a high-context culture or in-group. They might view the high context communicator as evasive, ambiguous, deceitful, and maybe
even dishonest. They might think: “Why is this person so vague in their responses? Are they being lazy or sneaky? Maybe they just
don’t get it. I just don’t know what they want or need. Why don’t they get to the point?”
High- and Low-Context Communication Interactions

As you can see, context can be a powerful factor affecting how people feel about an interpersonal interaction. In reality, most of us
go back and forth between low-context and high-context communication all day long in our interpersonal interactions. Think about
Figure 8.3.2, which shows a few examples of high-context and low-context culture (an accessible text version is linked in the
figure caption). Then think about different examples of communication interactions that you have had today and consider where
you might plot them along the high context–low context continuum.
Figure 8.3.2 : The High-Context and Low-Context Continuum with Examples by Armeda C. Reitzel is licensed CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
An accessible text version is provided here: High-Context and Low-Context Continuum with Examples
Here is an example for you to think about as you reflect on your communication interactions. Let’s say your professor tells you to:
“Write an essay about communication climate,” and that’s all they say. For many students, that may be considered very vague,
ambiguous communication because no details or direct instructions were given for guidance. The directive could be interpreted as a
disconfirming response by those students because they do not know what the expectations are nor how they will be graded. On the
other hand, let’s say that some of the students in the class have taken multiple classes from that professor and know what the
expectations are because of their previous experiences. They know the number of pages required, how to organize the five-
paragraph essay, how much description and analysis to go into, how many specific sources to cite in APA 7 Style, etc. They already
have a good idea of what the professor is looking for in a paper on communication climate without the professor having to go into
details about their one-sentence direction: “Write an essay about communication climate.” For these students, they understand the
implicit high-context directive. It would not be seen as a disconfirming response to them.
As stated earlier, high-context communication involves shared communication norms within an in-group because of familiarity and
a common history. Think about some in-groups you belong to: your work group, different circles of friends, and your family.
Because of shared experiences, you may even develop your own jargon or slang. This can certainly happen within a family.
Families often have their own words and phrases for things that would confuse someone outside of that household. One of our
professors provides this example:
Our minister’s wife came over to babysit my very young daughter one evening. When I returned home, the minister’s wife
was very concerned about something that my daughter kept repeating over and over during the evening: “Fire. Fire. Fire.” I
was confused that the minister’s wife did not understand what she was saying. Why? Because I knew that my daughter had
not been saying "fire." She had been saying “fier” as in “pacifier,” her word for her pacifier. My daughter’s communication
was clear to me because we all understood what she meant within our family culture, but to someone outside of the family,
her communication was unclear. Being a Communication professor, I reflected on this incident because it was a great
example of how high-context communication within a family could lead to a misunderstanding by someone outside of the
family. After that, I gave my babysitters a list of words and phrases that my daughter might say that were particular to our
family communication patterns. I used a low-context way of informing our babysitters about our high-context family
communication style. That low-context glossary of my family’s vocabulary seemed to do the trick!
 High-and-Low Context Activity
Let’s explore high- and low-context communication within an in-group and between an in-group and an out-group.
Figure 8.3.3 : The High-Context and Low-Context Continuum Fill in by Armeda C. Reitzel is licensed CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
Reflection Activity
Now that we have gone over high and low context, let’s explore them a bit further and consider the ways in which our
identities and culture influence our daily communication. Over the next few days/week, pay attention to your communication
interactions and note the differences between how you communicate with members of your in-group versus out-group
members.
Bring to mind one group you identify with (Dodgers fans versus Cubs fans, Bruins versus Trojans, marching band, musical
theater, engineers, accountants, Red Cross volunteers, student government members) and write it down in your first journal
entry. Next, provide examples of high-context communication within your group when you interact with each other as
compared to using low-context communication when interacting with others outside of your group.
Using Figure 8.3.3 , plot your examples of high- and low-context communication along the continuum.
Pay attention to the different contexts you use with people you have relationships with. Describe how you use high and/or
low context in your interactions within three different relationships.
This page titled 8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying Confirming and Disconfirming Responses is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and
was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Six Ways to Understand Communication Climate
Figure 8.4.1 : Migration by Capri23auto from Pixabay

Our natural instinct when we feel threatened is to become defensive. As a defensive communicator, we focus on protecting
ourselves and our interests, which is not necessarily a bad thing as we must learn to stand up for ourselves. Unfortunately,
defensiveness is usually a negative cycle that creates defensiveness in others and causing conflicts to escalate. For example,
defensive behaviors, such as rolling the eyes, not listening, making excuses, or blaming others can cause your communication
partner to argue back louder, walk away, blame you back, and gunnysack (a non-productive conflict tactic where one saves up or
“gunnysacks” all their complaints until they burst with anger, spilling all their grievances at once) all sorts of other issues to “make
a mountain out of a molehill.” And we have all been in the position before where the more defensive we become, the less we are
able to communicate effectively.
Conversely, supportive climates create more calm and productive communication outcomes. This allows for communicators to
better focus on the intent and meanings of messages. In 1965, psychologist Jack Gibb came up with six pairs of supportive and
defensive behaviors to help provide a better context for learning about and understanding communication climate: description
versus evaluation, collaboration versus control, straightforwardness versus manipulation, empathy versus indifference, equality
versus superiority, and flexibility versus certainty. Here, we examine each pair and consider its potential behaviors and outcomes.
Description versus Evaluation

Description
Description: Neutral facts that avoid any “loaded” words or judgments.
Example: “I feel left out when you guys go to the mall without me.”
Possible interpretation: The recipient knows exactly how you feel about what is bothering you. Using the I-message doesn’t
place blame and communicates an openness for calm discussion.
Evaluation
Description: Statements containing a tone of accusation, blame, and/or judgment.
Example: “You guys always abandon me and leave me out when you go to the mall.”
Possible interpretation: Recipient feels attacked and judged for something that may have been unintended and misinterpreted.
Collaboration versus Control

Collaboration
Description: The parties involved are working with each other toward a win-win situation. Everyone’s voice and ideas are just
as important as the next person’s.
Example: “Let’s go around and share what has worked for you and what has not worked for you.”
Possible interpretation: Everyone involved feels included, respected, and productive.
Control
Description: Speaker conveys a “know it all” attitude showing little or no interest in the receiver’s needs and ideas.
Example: “I’m right. You’re wrong. We do it my way, or we don’t do it at all!”
Possible interpretation: Recipients may feel hostile, competitive, and disrespected toward the speaker which may result in
reluctance and uncooperativeness.
Straightforwardness versus Manipulation
Straightforwardness
Description: Direct, candid, unambiguous, open, and honest
Example: “You didn’t get a raise this quarter, because while you made more sales, the volume of those sales has been down.”
Possible interpretation: The recipient may still be disappointed but knows exactly how and why the raise did not come through.
Manipulation
Description: To exploit, maneuver, or mastermind with hidden intentions
Example: “If you put in more hours and effort like John, you might have seen a raise this quarter.”
Possible interpretation: Recipients may feel judged that John did a better job and that his/her efforts were not appreciated.
Recipients may also feel defeated and unmotivated.
Empathy versus Indifference

Empathy
Description: Walking a mile in the other person’s shoes and trying to relate to and support the other person
Example: “I understand you’re going through a rough time. I hope that extending the deadline for you will help relieve some of
the stress and pressure you must be feeling.”
Possible interpretation: Recipient feels compassion, understanding, and even relief.
Indifference
Description: Apathetic, detached, and aloof; general lack of concern for the other person.
Example: “Everyone’s got problems! If you can’t meet the deadline, you’ll just have to pay the penalty.”
Possible interpretation: Recipient feels unimportant and insignificant.
Equality versus Superiority

Equality
Description: A sense of fairness, justness, and impartiality; everyone has the same chance.
Example: “I remember struggling when I first started, too. It’s going to take some time, but let me help you.”
Possible interpretation: Recipients may feel validated, respected, and capable.
Superiority
Description: Communicating a sense of dominance; having an upper-hand
Example: “I’ve shown you how to do this a million times! Move over! Let me finish it!”
Possible interpretation: Recipients may feel inept, inadequate, defensive, and angry.
Flexibility versus Certainty

Flexibility
Description: Open-minded and show a willingness to adapt to something better
Example: “I’d love to learn how we can use this new technology to work smarter, not harder.”
Possible interpretation: Recipients may feel encouraged to investigate, share, and try new things.
Certainty
Description: Overconfidence that “I’m right. You’re wrong.” No other input is needed.
Example: “I’ve done this a million times. This is the only way to fix it!”
Possible interpretation: Recipient feels unwelcome, unvalued, and unwilling to put themselves out there.
 Activity: Turning Defensive into Supportive Communication
Directions: Randomly choose a scenario and use one of Gibb’s supportive communication strategies discussed in section 8.2
to reframe the situation.
Scenario 1
Person 1: "Why do I have to nag you every time to unload the dishwasher?"
Person 2: "Why do you have to nag me when you know I’ll eventually get to it?"
Scenario 2
Person 1: "Why can’t you ever get ready on time when we go out to dinner with my parents?"
Person 2: "Well, last time we went out with my family I had to wait for you to get home from work and we ended up stuck
in traffic for an extra hour!"
Scenario 3
Person 1: "Why don’t you ever clean your room like I ask you?"
Person 2: "I know I’m supposed to keep my room clean, but I work two jobs and I just don’t have the time or energy to
keep my room clean."
Scenario 4
Person 1: "You got home so late we missed our dinner reservation! Why didn’t you call?"
Person 2: "I know, but I got caught up at work with a big project and forgot."
Scenario 5
Person 1: "The computer has been running super slow since you last used it!"
Person 2: "Why do you always blame me when something goes wrong with the computer?"
Scenario 6
Person 1: "When can we leave?"
Person 2: "I just want to stay until after the award presentation."
Person 1: "I really want to leave now!"
Person 2:" Come on! Just wait until after the awards!"
1. What are some adjectives that come to mind when you hear the word defensiveness? What are some adjectives that come
to mind when you hear the word supportiveness?
2. Were there supportive strategies you found easier to use than others? If so, what were they and why were they easier for
you to use?
3. Share a scenario you think would have benefited from one of Gibb’s supportive communication strategies.
This page titled 8.4: Supportive versus Defensive Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated
by Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Figure 8.5.1 : Raised Fists by Chona Kasinger from Disabled and Here
Receiving and Giving Feedback

How we respond to negative feedback, criticism, and corrections can reveal a lot about who we are. Do we respond defensively, or
do we receive criticism and feedback graciously and with an open mind? Responding negatively to feedback communicates that we
are closed-minded and unwilling to learn and change. On the other hand, thoughtfully receiving feedback shows a willingness to
adapt, change, and grow.
In this section, we’re going to learn how to respond non-defensively to feedback and criticism, how to manage frustration while
remaining professional, and how to provide positive feedback as well.
Responding Non-defensively to Feedback and Criticism

We need to reflect on how we react to criticism from others and develop our skills in responding in a constructive way. That
requires us to take the time and make the effort to process the feedback that others give us in different situations. According to an
article titled “The Right Way to Respond to Negative Feedback” (Eurich, 2018):
We can’t act on feedback until we truly understand it. Especially when we hear something new, it’s usually a good idea to ask
a few trustworthy sources whether they’ve noticed the same behavior. Not only does this give us more detail about what we
are doing to create a certain impression, it helps us avoid overcorrecting based on one person’s opinion. After all, as Roman
philosopher Marcus Aurelius stated, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact.”
First off, set your defenses aside and engage your active listening and empathy skills. For empathy, keep in mind that it may be just
as difficult for the person giving the feedback as it is for you to receive it. Active listening is important to prevent you from
jumping to conclusions and becoming defensive. Additionally, putting defensiveness aside, you may learn something helpful and
constructive. Upon receiving feedback, whether in person or in writing, here are some helpful strategies to help you react and
acknowledge the feedback.
Use the Feedback WALLET

Consider turning those potentially negative initial reactions to feedback into an opportunity for reflection, planning, and future
action. Keep the acronym WALLET in mind, and pull out these helpful suggestions from your “feedback WALLET” to use: Wait,
Avoid attacking back, Listen, Learn, Engage in planning, and Take control:
1. Wait. Take a moment to digest the information before making any response or decision. Give yourself some time to hear,
review, and contemplate the information that is being shared with you. Giving yourself some time to think about and reflect on
the feedback can help you avoid jumping to conclusions. This is possibly one of the most important tips to take out of your
“feedback WALLET” to use.
2. Avoid attacking back. It’s human nature to become defensive when engaged with something unpleasant, like receiving
feedback. Listen with an open mind and resist the urge to rebut every point of “criticism” from your communicating partner.
3. Listen. Focus your attention and energy on actively listening to the feedback. Identify the key points being made. Ask for
clarification and/or examples to help you better understand the messages being shared with you.
4. Learn. Reframe the feedback and criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow. Even if you don’t agree with the feedback,
there is always something to be learned from how others perceive you.
5. Engage in planning. Don’t make excuses. Make a plan instead! Start making a plan of action to correct the issue or work
towards a solution. This shows your initiative for problem-solving.
6. Take control. “Responsibility” is not the same as “fault.” It’s easy for us to place blame on others or external circumstances.
Taking responsibility means taking control of your behavior and responses. Ask yourself, “What can I do differently to get the
desired response/results?” By doing this, your perception changes to one of action and looking for opportunities, rather than
self-pity and playing the blame game.
Stay Clear of Negative Responses

1. Don’t take it personally. Reframe the feedback and criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow. Even if you don’t agree with
the feedback, there is always something to be learned from how others perceive you. For example, portray yourself as a
gracious recipient of feedback by responding with, “Thank you for taking the time to notice my work and share your thoughts
with me.”
2. Don’t react right away. It’s human nature to become defensive when engaged with something unpleasant, like receiving
feedback. Listen with an open mind and resist the urge to rebut every point of “criticism” from your communicating partner.
Ask for time to process and digest the feedback when necessary.
3. Don’t argue back. Take this opportunity to listen and learn. Sometimes receiving feedback that seems to conflict with our self-
image can make us feel threatened. In this case, rather than respond with something like, “You’re out of your mind! I don’t do
that!” It's quite ok for you to use an “I-message”: “I feel surprised that you see my work rushed and sloppy. What can you
suggest to help me improve on this?”
4. Don’t point fingers and blame others. Remember “responsibility” is not the same as “fault.” It’s easy for us to place blame on
others or external circumstances. Taking responsibility means taking control of our behavior and responses. Ask yourself,
“What can I do differently to get the desired response/results?” By doing this, your perception changes to one of action and
looking for opportunities, rather than self-pity and playing the blame game.
5. Don’t make excuses. Start making a plan of action to correct the issue or work towards a solution. This shows your initiative
for problem-solving.
Practice Positive Responses

1. Be grateful. Simply thank your communication partner for taking the time to offer their feedback. By thanking your partner,
you are not only acknowledging their comments, but you are also showing your open-mindedness.
2. Ask questions. It’s OK to ask for clarification if you don’t understand what’s going on or why/how the negative feedback came
about.
3. Paraphrase and restate what you understood to have heard to ensure that you interpreted the feedback correctly.
4. Ask for help. Ask for one or two simple steps that can nudge you towards improvement.
5. Aim for mutual satisfaction. Are the proposed corrections mutually agreed upon? As we know from experience, if one side is
not happy with something, that side will not follow through.
6. Follow-up to follow-through. Hold yourself accountable and schedule a follow-up. That shows your communicating partner
your willingness to learn and improve. But don’t wait too long to schedule that follow-up or you’ll lose your momentum.
Managing Frustration while Remaining Professional
Figure 8.5.2 : youtuber-blogger by Lukas Bieri from Pixabay
No one likes to deal with a Negative Nellie (or Neil). So how do we remain professional when we're feeling frustrated? The
definition of professionalism varies, but it generally boils down to being good at what you know and do, maintaining a positive
attitude, treating the people you work with respectfully, maintaining a professional appearance, and meeting your professional
obligations promptly. However, all of us, at one time or another, have had our professionalism tested by a co-worker, a superior, a
client/customer, or an unanticipated situation. How we handle ourselves in these situations directly impacts the communication
climate, either positively or negatively. Here are some suggestions:
Take a deep breath. Pause and give yourself some time to think about how you want to respond. We often end up regretting
those “in the heat of the moment” responses. Research indicates that different emotions are linked to different types of breathing
(Philippot et al., 2002). For example, when we are feeling stressed or anxious, our breathing tends to be short, shallow, fast, and
irregular. On the other hand, deep, slow, and regular breaths are associated with feelings of joy. This study suggests that when
we take the time to mindfully breathe deeply and slowly we will begin to associate the corresponding emotions of calm and joy.
Look for the positives. There is always something to be learned from every situation. According to the Mayo Clinic (2022),
positive thinking leads to positive health benefits. While researchers are still not certain why positive thoughts lead to better
health, one theory believes that having a positive outlook allows us to handle stressful situations better, thus reducing the
harmful effects stress can have on our bodies. Accordingly, focusing on our strengths and not weaknesses will not only help to
energize us but will help build on a positive outlook.
Reframe how you look at the feedback and use it as motivation. Stacey Finkelstein and Ayelet Fishbach (2012) point out
that our experience level dictates the kinds of feedback that motivates us. Novices look for encouragement and positive
feedback. Experts prefer more critical feedback that could help develop weaker skills. Therefore, put the negative energy and
frustration to work for you to find ways you can turn the obstacle into an opportunity. Set new goals and focus your energy on
achieving your new goals.
Remember that you are in control. Don’t forget that you are in charge of your life and what you need to do to be happy and
successful. Choose to use the feedback that you decide is useful and lose the feedback that is not helpful or relevant. It is
important to “remember that you don't have to use every bit of feedback that comes to you. You have the power” (Furlan &
Schneider, 2021).
Giving Constructive Feedback

Providing constructive feedback is a key factor to support a positive and productive environment. Constructive feedback involves
providing individuals with timely and meaningful information regarding strengths and weaknesses in their interpersonal
interactions as well as concrete steps for improving any areas of weakness thus fostering personal and professional growth. You
may think that simply giving feedback is helping the recipient improve. But giving good, positive, and constructive feedback is not
an easy task. Here are some things to consider:
Are you in a position to comment or provide feedback?
Is the recipient ready to receive your feedback? If not, you’re walking into a negative communication climate that’s not going to
get any better. Timing is important.
Does the other person want your feedback? If the response is no, you’ll have to come up with another way to deal with the
problem at hand.
If all the stars align and the recipient is open and ready to engage in a feedback discussion, be sure to keep these three things in
mind as you craft your feedback:
Be positive. Especially when you know the feedback will include criticism, start and end with positives. Sandwiching the
criticisms and corrections between the good points and what they are doing right will help your message be received more
positively. See Figure 8.5.3 for a diagram of the "Feedback Sandwich" (an accessible text version is linked in the figure
caption).
Avoid using absolutes or negative words. Absolutes include words like always, never, or don’t. Avoiding using absolutes
communicates you are open to different interpretations, solutions, and entertaining the “gray” areas. Psychology research has
shown that as humans, we tend to focus more on the negatives to try and make sense of our world. Knowing that, try to replace
negative words and phrases with positive ones.
Avoid comparison. According to social comparison theory, it’s natural that we want to compare ourselves to others. But these
comparisons also tend to result in resentment and frustration when the comparisons portray us as less than. Stop comparing
people and situations.
Be specific. Avoid using evaluative adjectives and remember to try and use descriptive words that are precise and
straightforward. Address specific issues, behavior, or attitudes that can be improved upon and/or changed. If you are suggesting
improvements/changes, specify what you expect and how to achieve it.
All in all, for feedback to be positive, it needs to:
be given and received at the right time and right place;
be given with positive points and a specific plan of action;
be based on facts and information directed at working towards a solution.
Figure 8.5.3 : A sandwich by Mae Mu on Unsplash, modified into “The Feedback Sandwich” by Armeda C. Reitzel CC BY-NC-SA
4.0
An accessible text version is provided here: The Feedback Sandwich
 Getting Critical
Jackson Bird presents “constructive feedback” to his audience about interacting with people who identify as transgender.
Through his TED Talk on transgender experiences, he discusses topics such as pronouns, bathroom usage, and more, all while
bringing humor, empathy, and transparency to the conversation in an effort to bring awareness and acceptance. Watch the TED
Talk or read the transcript and then complete the reflection questions.
1. How does aspects of your identity (race, religion, nation, age, sex, and so forth) shape your understanding of gender?
2. After receiving this “feedback” from Jackson, reflect on your own reactions when first meeting someone who identifies as
transgender. For example, can you relate to what Jackson talks about in terms of people’s curiosity regarding transgender
bathroom use and their sex lives? How do you keep that curiosity in check so as not to offend your communication partner?
3. What tips do you find most useful from the TED Talk?
4. Based on the information in this chapter on confirming and disconfirming messages, how can you apply the information to
improving the way you talk and listen to transgender people?
This page titled 8.5: Skills to Support Confirming Communication Climates is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed,
and/or curated by Kim Yee & Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Summary
In this chapter, we have introduced and discussed how to create a supportive climate with confirming responses to promote
positive, effective communication in a variety of contexts. The idea of communication climate is similar to a weather report. Is the
communication interaction a warm and sunny experience or does it feel more like a chilly and dismal exchange? Is it such a cold,
negative, disconfirming encounter that it leaves you feeling numb, almost as if you have frostbite? Communication climate can
definitely affect our mood, impact our behavior, and even influence our self-identity.
Communication climate was defined as the "overall feeling or emotional mood between people" (Wood, 2015). We identified and
described the characteristics of supportive and defensive communication climates, along with a discussion of specific types of
confirming and disconfirming responses that could influence our feel for a conversation. Context and culture do matter!
So whether you are heading for a family get-together, an evening with friends, an employee work evaluation, or a team meeting,
consider the role of communication climate in the forecast of a potentially terrible or terrific experience.
Figure 8.6.1 : Two children looking at the horizon by Torsten Dederichs on Unsplash
1. How can you adjust for a supportive communication climate when communicating online versus face-to-face?
2. Select a friend with whom you have a good relationship. Pay attention to your communication climate. How do you and your
friend demonstrate attending, affirming, and accepting messages to build a confirming climate?
3. Think about a situation where the communication climate could use some improvement. What are some verbal and nonverbal
messages you can use to try and turn that climate in a more positive direction?
This page titled 8.6: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Kim Yee &
Armeda Reitzel (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
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Wood, J. T. (2015). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (8th ed.). Cengage Learning.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
9: Interpersonal Conflict
Define interpersonal conflict, conflict goals, and conflict outcomes.
Describe unproductive approaches to conflict management.
Compare and contrast conflict management styles.
Recognize interpersonal communication skills that contribute to peaceful conflict resolution.
Communication and conflict are interwoven and affect most interpersonal relationships at some time, including, but not limited to,
romantic partnerships, family, friends, and co-workers. Communication is a key component of interpersonal conflict in that
communication behaviors can create conflict, reflect conflict, and serve as the instrument that delivers productive and unproductive
conflict (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018).
9.8: References
This page titled 9: Interpersonal Conflict is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela Hoppe-Nagao
(ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Introduction
In 2021, news stories were dominated by the “Free Britney” movement and the battles between Britney Spears and her family. In
November 2021, a judge terminated the conservatorship that had controlled the last 15 years of her life. She publicly blamed her
family, saying “they hurt me deeper than you will ever know,” and severed her ties with her parents and sister. This case, which
held the attention of fans around the world, is an example of both interpersonal and family conflict, centering on issues of power
and control. Most of us, hopefully, will never experience conflict that is so severe and so public. But the underlying themes of
conflict in this family dilemma are more common than one might expect.
When was the last time you had a disagreement, argument, or conflict with someone you cared about? Whether a conflict is minor,
such as whether the dishwasher has been loaded properly, or major, such as dealing with issues of money, child-rearing, and
relationship expectations, chances are you recently experienced interpersonal conflict. Communication and conflict are interwoven
and affect most interpersonal relationships at some time, including, but not limited to, romantic partnerships, family, friends, and
co-workers. Communication is a key component of interpersonal conflict in that communication behaviors can create conflict,
reflect conflict, and serve as the instrument that delivers productive and unproductive conflict (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018). This
chapter will call on you to reflect on your conflict patterns and to develop communication skills to help you navigate conflict more
effectively in the future.
Benefits of Studying Interpersonal Conflict

The pervasiveness of conflict in everyday life provides a strong justification for studying interpersonal conflict. There are several
personal benefits you may receive from studying interpersonal conflict (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018).
Conflict management skills are not inborn, rather they are learned. By studying interpersonal conflict, you can learn helpful
relational skills for peaceful conflict resolution.
Mental health may be improved as constructive approaches to conflict are practiced.
Family relationships and overall well-being are linked to constructive conflict management.
Long-term marital satisfaction may depend on effective conflict management.
Romantic partners who practice positive conflict management are more likely to have happy relationships (Cramer, 2000).
Workplace relationships are characterized by conflict by almost 85% of employees surveyed (1995). Learning effective conflict
negotiation skills can help improve the quality of your work life.
Victims of abuse benefit from examining alternative constructive models of conflict.
The next section of this chapter addresses various aspects of conflict including interpersonal matters, cultural differences, gender
differences, and the digital divide.
This page titled 9.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Conflict is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Angela Hoppe-Nagao (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Key Concepts in Interpersonal Conflict
Chris and Michelle are a married couple with young children. Chris would like to move from California to Texas to raise their
children, for job opportunities, and to afford a home. Michelle does not want to leave Southern California, her family and close
friends, and her rewarding job. To add to the stress, Michelle’s parents are pressuring her to stay in California. Chris and Michelle
are experiencing what is known as interpersonal conflict. Interpersonal conflict occurs when two or more interdependent parties
perceive and experience a struggle over incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals
(Hocker & Wilmot, 2018). Here is a breakdown of some of the key concepts in the definition.
Interdependence: Interpersonal conflict occurs in part because individuals are connected and depend on one another. In the
example, as a married couple with children, Chris and Michelle are very invested in their relationship, with very integrated
lives.
Incompatible goals: Each of us has goals for our relationships, our identity, and ourselves. Sometimes our goals do not match
up with the goals of others, and this can create a conflict. In the example, Chris’s goal was to move to Texas, whereas
Michelle’s goal was to stay in California.
Scarce resources: Resources are commodities such as money, time, relationships, and affection. If we believe there are not
enough resources available (such as money), this can create conflict. In the case of Michelle and Chris, there are a variety of
resources at stake, such as relationships with families and friends, future employment, and housing.
Interference from others: Interference from others can come from any outsider who gets in the way of your relationship.
Marriage and family therapists have long noted that in-laws are among the top sources of conflict and divorce for couples.
Whether it is a mother-in-law interfering with your decision-making, or a brother-in-law who is constantly borrowing money, it
can create stress and frustration for a relationship. In the example, Michelle’s parents are pressuring her to stay in California.
Now that we have identified some common causes of conflict, can you recognize some of the conflicts you have experienced with
friends, family, and romantic partners? In addition to causes of conflict, factors such as culture, gender, and even social media add a
layer to how we experience and negotiate conflict.
Conflict and Culture

Laura, who is Japanese Hawaiian, and Steve, who is Italian, have been married for more than 40 years. They often reflect on how
bringing their diverse cultures together has enriched their lives, but not without a few bumps in the road along the way. Over the
years, they have observed that their cultural differences shape how they negotiate issues ranging from food (Italian vs. Japanese
Hawaiian), child-rearing, religion, and family expectations. They are not alone. According to the Pew Research Center, as of 2019,
roughly 1 in 5 marriages in the United States were interracial (Parker & Barroso, 2021). With the increasing diversity in our
society, you will likely have friends, neighbors, co-workers, romantic partners, and family members from culturally different
groups. While increasing interaction between diverse individuals enhances our lives in many ways, it can add an important layer to
conflict exchanges, and that is how our culture shapes the way we negotiate conflict. In this section, we will look at how culture
plays a part in our conflict experiences, by examining face negotiation theory, cultural background, and situational factors.
Have you ever heard someone say, “I need to save face?” In the United States, face-saving generally refers to an individual
recovering from embarrassment, a put-down, or a public disappointment. However, the concept of face takes on a different
meaning when we examine it from a lens of conflict and culture. Face refers to the favorable social impression we would like to
present during social interactions (Oetzel & Ting-Toomey, 2003). For example, you might want the people in your life to see you as
a caring family member, a trusting friend, a good student, and as funny and adventurous. The concept of face is at the heart of face-
negotiation theory, which provides a useful way to understand the relationships between culture and conflict (Ting-Toomey,
1988). The theory suggests that we use communication to maintain and negotiate our face and that culture influences the way we
handle conflict because of our face concerns, cultural background, and situational factors. These three factors interact to shape how
we communicate about conflict.
Take a moment to pause and reflect: How do you want other people to see you? The impression you would like to make on others
is known as our face concerns. Face concerns are the social impression you would like to make on others and are tied into your
identity. Take for example when you meet a romantic partner's family for the first time. It is likely that you would like to make a
positive impression on the family and hope that they will like you for who you are. We have two face concerns: self-face and other-
face. Self-face is when we focus on maintaining the image we project to others, and other-face is when we focus on protecting the
image and feelings of others. Your face concerns are in turn shaped by your cultural background.
Your cultural background is shaped by your family's cultural heritage, ethnic identity, and cultural values, such as
individualism/collectivism, power distance, and high- and low-context communication styles (Hofstede, 2001). In individualistic,
low-context cultures like that of the United States, where people tend to prefer individuality, autonomy, and care for themselves and
their immediate family, people are more likely to feel comfortable disagreeing openly and communicating directly about conflict.
In collectivistic, high-context cultures like those in China and Mexico, where people tend to put group needs before individual
needs in exchange for loyalty, and expect their in-groups will take care of them, people may be more likely to use indirect
messages, avoidance, and accommodation. Low- and high-context communication, which is covered in detail in Chapter 8, Section
8.3, refers to the degree to which cultures prefer direct, explicit messages or indirect, implicit messages (Hall, 1976). For example,
research across different cultures, including those in China, Hong Kong, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Mexico, and the United States,
found that participants’ levels of individualism/collectivism directly impacted their conflict styles, with collectivists preferring
integrating and compromising approaches and individualists relying on more competing and dominating styles (Ting-Toomey &
Oetzel, 2001).
Situational factors include the roles you play (daughter/son, boyfriend/girlfriend, employee/boss), your status, your communication
preferences, and cultural norms and rules that guide your behavior. To illustrate, cultures have different beliefs about how power
should be shared amongst the people in the culture, known as power distance (Hofstede, 2001). In low-power-distance cultures,
such as the United States, power is supposed to be distributed equally, meaning that the culture tries to diminish the differences
between low- and high-status individuals. In high-power-distance cultures, it is accepted that power is distributed unequally, thus
people in high-status positions are afforded special treatment and privilege. For example, in the United States, it is considered
appropriate for college students to question and at times challenge their professors. In high-power-distance cultures, such as in
China, it is considered inappropriate and disrespectful for a student to question a professor, even if the professor has made an error.
Differences in perceptions of status and power will influence how, why, and with whom we choose to initiate conflict.
 Saving Face in Conflict
It is important to understand that conflict is viewed differently across cultures. Consider what you recall from Chapter 8 on
how low- and high-context cultures and communication shape our interpersonal relationships. See for example this YouTube
video on “The Importance of Face in China,” which explores the idea that winning a conflict isn’t seen as positive in all
cultures. In the video, Rupert Munton talks about a situation that involved two British engineers who were based in Beijing and
their interaction with a local engineer. In this video, you will come to find out that sometimes winning an argument or being
“right” will cost you.
Creative Commons Video: The Importance of 'Face' in China - Rupert Munton - ClarkMorgan Insights - YouTube – accessible
with closed-captioning and transcript included.
1. Reflecting on your culture, how do you view conflict? Is conflict good? Is it bad?
2. When you are in conflict, what is your main goal?
3. What does "saving face" mean to you?
4. Do you try to save face during the conflict, or save the group’s face?
5. Do you adjust your conflict management style when working cross-culturally?
6. What is one main takeaway from the video that you can apply in school, at work, or in your social life?
Gender Communication and Conflict

In 1992, psychologist John Gray published the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. This runaway bestseller was
based on the idea that not only are people different genders, but we are from completely different planets in terms of our problem-
solving communication. The truth of the matter is a little more nuanced, with research showing that while there may be some
differences, there are likely more similarities in how people handle conflict (Cupach et al., 2010). In fact, most of the research on
gender differences and conflict management has shown weak or inconsistent results.
Researchers have long tried to establish a link between biological sex, gender roles, and approaches to managing conflict. One
large study of more than 6,000 men and women in the workplace, spanning 40 years, demonstrated that women were more likely to
use other-face conflict management strategies in order to maintain relationships, and men were more likely to use self-face
strategies that are competitive in nature (Rahim & Katz, 2019). Other researchers have argued that gender identity roles (the degree
to which one identifies as stereotypically feminine or masculine) are a better predictor than biological sex of conflict approaches.
One study of gender role identity and conflict found that individuals who identified as masculine showed a preference for a
dominating approach, whereas individuals who identified as feminine were highest on avoiding, and individuals who identified as
androgynous preferred an integrating style (Brewer et al., 2002). What is clear is that more research is needed to examine some of
the subtle variations in conflict style that are related to gender roles and identity.
Most observations regarding interpersonal conflict and gender differences are likely due to our cultural beliefs and stereotypes, not
differences based on gender or sex. Although early research on gender differences in conflict tried to draw conclusions based on
biological sex, recent research shows that how you communicate during conflict is more likely a result of factors such as your
family upbringing, societal expectations, and cultural background. To illustrate, in Nila’s family, she and her sister are constantly
told to be nice and play fair when they have arguments, but their brothers are told to take their problems outside and that “boys will
be boys.” If you grew up in a family with other children, you may have witnessed firsthand that your family expected different
behavior from your siblings based on their gender. Yet, in other families, children may have been raised without strict gender
norms. These expectations set us up to communicate with people based on our stereotypes of their sex or gender, which can
influence how we handle conflict. Contrary to sex-role stereotypes about conflict within interpersonal relationships, women have
been shown to be more assertive and openly address conflict, whereas men have been shown to be more likely to withdraw.
However, as our knowledge about gender and sex-role identities continues to evolve, it is clear that it is difficult to draw
conclusions about conflict behavior based solely on gender.
As we can see, the research findings on conflict and gender are mixed, and likely other factors shape how you handle conflicts,
such as your age, unique family dynamics, cultural background, stereotypes, and the topic of conflict. It is important to be aware of
sex-role stereotypes and how they shape our responses to other people. We need to take the time to get to know people so that we
can adjust our communication to the individual, and not just the stereotypes we hold regarding their gender, culture, age, and other
traits. Take some time to reflect on how gender stereotypes regarding conflict play out in your life. Have you ever been in a
situation where you made judgments about someone’s ability to manage conflict based on their biological sex or gender identity?
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt someone else stereotyped you due to culturally based gender role expectations?
Digital Communication and Conflict

With the invention of the internet, cell phones, and social media, the world experienced a revolution through the creation of new
computer-mediated communication channels. These technological innovations have had a profound impact on communication,
changing how we date (Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Bumble), how we communicate with our friends (Snapchat), how we share
hobbies (i.e. Twitch for gaming), and how we communicate at work (Zoom). It was inevitable that these innovations would also
impact how we experience and negotiate interpersonal conflict. Digital forms of communication, whether e-mail, texting, or using
an app like Snapchat, have become sources of conflict, changed how we handle conflict, and contributed to problematic conflict
behaviors.
Digital mediated communication has become a source of conflict for people. To illustrate, the Pew Research Center (Lenhart et al.,
2020) found that among coupled adults in the United States (married, cohabiting, or in a committed relationship), approximately
half (51%) say that cell phones can be a cause of conflict because their partners are distracted by their cell phone while they are
trying to have a conversation with them. Not only can the amount of time spent on cell phones be a source of conflict, but also can
social media. “Teens, technology, and friendships” (ibid.) reports that 31% of social media users have fought with a friend over
something that occurred online or through a text message. Social media has been shown to promote conflict in romantic
relationships by increasing jealousy, suspicion, negative social comparisons, and online opportunities for infidelity (Clayton et al.,
2013). Part of the challenge is that the use of computer-mediated communication, whether texting, emailing, or tweeting, is
accompanied by a loss of important communication cues, such as tone of voice and micro-facial expressions. “Seeing a frown, a
shaking head, a sigh, a bored expression, and many other subtle and not so subtle signs of disapproval or indifference can inhibit
what people are willing to express” (Suler, 2004, p. 322). When negotiating conflict online, whether through email or social media,
there is often a loss of immediate feedback. In addition, media platforms promote negative social comparisons and can serve as a
distraction in face-to-face interactions.
Have you ever tried to settle an argument on social media? Or have you ever tried to negotiate a conflict through a text message? If
so, you are not alone. Changes in social media and technology dependence have provided people with new options for responding
to conflicts. For example, we have witnessed the birth of “call-out culture.” Call-out culture refers to using social media to confront
someone publicly. One call-out technique is flaming, a hostile and aggressive online interaction that involves directing insulting
messages at another person. Online communication has a disinhibition effect, which means that people feel safe saying things
online and through digital media that they would rarely say to someone if they were in a face-to-face interaction. For example, in
2013 rapper Meek Mill publicly shamed a lifelong friend for asking for money by posting the entire exchange on Instagram. Airing
grievances and making personal attacks such as this in public online settings may make the attacker feel as though there is a veil of
protection but, in reality, public shaming can heighten the hurt of the conflict. If you have a conflict that does not go well, you have
other options that are not available in face-to-face conversations, such as blocking the other person, leaving their messages unread,
or copying and sharing messages for feedback from others. Research has shown that 60% of all teens report taking an action like
unfriending, blocking, or deleting photos of a former friend (Lenhart et al., 2020).
Addressing interpersonal conflicts through digital communication media may provide some protection for freely sharing your
feelings on difficult issues without facing immediate criticism, nonetheless, as with face-to-face communication, we should make
every effort to practice mindful communication skills when negotiating conflict in a digital world.
Before calling someone out through social media, consider these tips:
1. If you are going to send a harshly worded email, text, or post, consider having a trusted friend review the message first.
2. Take some time to pause and cool down before sending critical or combative messages.
3. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of the message.
4. Regarding personal relationships with friends, family members, or romantic partners, although digital forms of communication
provide some protection when delivering critical messages, make every effort to try and resolve relational conflict in a setting
that allows for real-time feedback, such as face-to-face, via video calls, or through a phone call.
This page titled 9.2: Interpersonal Conflict Defined is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Hoppe-Nagao (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Conflict Goals
Have you ever been in a conflict or disagreement that ended up feeling like an extended game of tug-o-war? When we experience
conflict, it can feel like each person is pulling in a different direction related to our own needs and goals. When we experience
conflict in our relationships, the strife is generally related to one of four goals: content, relational, identity, and process. Identifying
the underlying source of your conflict can help you understand your own needs as well as help you empathize with others.
Figure 9.3.1 : Silhouette Relationship Conflict by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

Now that you have a better understanding of factors that shape interpersonal conflict, let’s take a look at common sources of
conflict.
Content Goals
Content or topic goals refer to what we want and need for both our day-to-day and long-term life. These goals tend to feel tangible
and concrete, and they can center on issues such as how we spend our money and our time, as well as how we live day-to-day. For
example, Julie was really upset with her husband, Todd, because of how he squeezed the toothpaste out of the tube. She liked to
squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube and her husband squeezed the tube where he grabbed it. This one little conflict
turned into a major battle of wills and revealed deeper relational and identity issues.
Relational Goals
Relational goals refer to our preferences for what we would like our relationships to be like. Relational goals center on issues like
who we are to each other, what is the power distribution in the relationship, and what our future looks like. Relational goals can
become a source of conflict when people have different expectations about the relationship or there is uncertainty about the
relationship. For example, the digital world has created many new terms and acronyms for dating and relationships. DTR means
“define the relationship.” When individuals use this term, it means that they would like to have a conversation about the direction
of their relationship. Are we just friends, are we FWB (friends with benefits), or are we a couple? Negotiating who we are to each
other can become a major source of conflict in interpersonal interactions.
Identity Goals
Identity goals refer to the image we would like to present to the world. Conflict over identity goals can occur when our public
image is threatened and when we do not feel valued in an interaction, relationship, or specific setting. To illustrate, consider
Emma’s personal story.
When I was 20 years old, I fell in love with a woman for the first time. Mia, my girlfriend, was so much more confident than
me and already proudly out with her family and friends. She encouraged me to tell my family, but honestly, I was scared. My
mom is deeply religious, and my father said more than once he would never walk his daughters down the aisle unless it was
to marry a man. I wanted Mia and my family to love me for who I am, but I was not ready to come out to my family. I felt
like I was either going to lose Mia or be dropped by my family. When I finally came out to my family, I had the love and
support of my mom and sisters. My dad first threatened me to get over it or move out, but thankfully my mom stepped
helped smooth things over (Emma, student, age 25).
As we consider Emma’s example, we can see that how we identify ourselves and how we are perceived by our loved ones can be a
source of conflict. In addition to being a common source of family conflict, identity conflicts can also occur with friends, at school,
and at work.
Process Goals
Process goals refer to our ideas about how we should communicate about and resolve conflicts. For example, some people believe
that it is best to not go to bed angry, but others may believe that if you sleep on it, you will feel better in the morning. In addition to
trying to solve conflicts, people in these situations also need to negotiate the best time to try and resolve issues. Process goals can
have deeper cultural and social meanings that shape our perceptions of appropriate conflict management. Some cultures may rely
on authority rule, while other cultures place value on equal participation. For example, while the US government has been
characterized by division and animosity, Native American tribal governments are communal and based on reaching consensus with
their membership (Alvarez, 2011).
If you find yourself struggling repeatedly with conflict over the same topic goals, a deeper relational or identity issue is likely at
hand. Take the example of the conflict over squeezing the toothpaste tube. On the surface, how one squeezes toothpaste out of the
tube seems like a small topic issue. However, the repeated struggles over the toothpaste may indicate that the couple might be
engaged in a power struggle (relational goal) or need for validation in the relationship (identity goal).
Now that you understand common sources of conflict, let’s turn our attention to three possible conflict outcomes.
Figure 9.3.2 : Argument by Andrew Malone from Flickr CC BY 2.0
Conflict Outcomes
In most professional sporting events in the United States, we celebrate winners and do what we can to not be a loser. This approach
to conflict can translate into our relationships when we attempt to “win at all costs." Conversely, in the Japanese Professional
Baseball League games can end in a tie. A tie is considered almost as good as a win and will not hurt a team’s record. These
different approaches to winning help illustrate different outcomes to conflict. Conflict outcomes refer to the possible ways a
conflict is solved and how the people involved perceive the results. Game Theory uses the metaphor of winning and losing games
to help show distinct ways conflict can be resolved (Spangler, 2003). According to Game Theory, when we negotiate conflict there
are three potential outcomes: win-win, win-lose, and lose-lose. Understanding the different conflict outcomes can help you to
recognize some of your own conflict patterns and give you insight into how you may approach conflict in the future.
Win-win: A win-win outcome occurs when both parties in the conflict are satisfied with the outcome. The win-win approach to
conflict usually involves collaboration and problem-solving, in combination with assertive, honest communication.
Win-lose: A win-lose outcome occurs when one party in the conflict gets what they want, and the other party is left to feel they
were defeated. This approach to conflict is characterized by competition or a belief that only one side in the conflict can win.
While win-lose is appropriate in some situations, the disadvantage to this approach is that if one party in a relationship is always
on the losing end, they can become discouraged and dissatisfied in their relationship.
Lose-Lose: A lose-lose outcome occurs when neither party achieves their goals or both parties are unhappy with the conflict
outcome. Many examples can be considered lose-lose, such as an employee quitting a job they love, with employers who
appreciate them, because they can’t resolve the person's work-from-home request, or a couple who love each other very much
but break up because they can’t agree on a timeline for their future. Clearly, these outcomes do not sound ideal (Barwick-Snell
& Walker, 2017).
To better understand conflict outcomes, consider the case of Maya, a recent graduate of the California State University system.
Before graduation, Maya submitted applications to several different companies. She was thrilled when she was offered her dream
job at a gaming company. However, when she sat down to discuss the details with Human Resources, she was offered a lower
position with less pay than originally promised. What would you do if you found yourself in a comparable situation? Would you
reject the job altogether, feeling like it was a case of bait and switch? This would be a lose-lose outcome, because Maya would lose
out on her dream job and the company would lose a talented employee. Would you accept the company’s terms and ask how to
move up quickly into the promised position? This would create a win-lose outcome, where Maya would lose out on what the
company originally promised, and the company would get a short-term win by saving money. Would you make a counteroffer to
the company, reminding them of the position and salary that was originally offered? In this case, Maya made a counteroffer that
was accepted by the company, leading to a win-win outcome.
There is not one conflict outcome that will suit all situations. Conflict outcomes depend on the topic, the situation, and the people
involved. It is important to consider how much you value the relationship and what is at stake with the conflict. Is it a lifelong
relationship? A professional relationship? Casual? Often figuring out how much you value the relationship will inform the conflict
outcome. Your style of conflict management can also shape the conflict outcome.
How we negotiate or bring closure to conflicts is a function of one’s conflict management style. This next section speaks to five
different approaches to managing conflict.
Figure 9.3.3 : Argument for a gender non-conforming couple by Zackary Drucker from “The Gender Spectrum Collection” CC
BY-NC-ND 4.0.
This page titled 9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Five Approaches to Conflict Management
Conflict management is the process of trying to find effective strategies to minimize and solve problems associated with different
conflict goals. When we look at how we negotiate the conflict in our relationships, we find that typical patterns of communication
occur. Your personal style of conflict management style is shaped by a variety of factors, such as your gender, age, culture,
personality, family communication patterns, and goals for the situation. Furthermore, your conflict management style is a mix of
factors, such as your nonverbal signals (eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice), the verbal message you use, and your focus
on concern for yourself versus concern for the other party.
Your concern for yourself versus your concern for the other person will shape how you approach a conflict, the strategies you use
to negotiate, and the outcome you desire (win-win, etc.). Concern for self refers to the degree to which you try to meet your own
needs and goals in a conflict situation. Concern for others refers to the degree to which you try to meet the needs of the other
person in the conflict. For example, take Tony, a manager at a large retail store in the mall. He displays high concern for others
when making the weekly schedule, respecting his employees' school schedules and family lives. His counterpart, Alyssa,
demonstrates high concern for herself in demanding that employees miss school and family events to give herself the best schedule.
Various combinations of concern for self versus concern for others result in five conflict management styles, including integrating,
obliging, dominating, avoiding, and compromising (Rahim, 2000). In this section, we examine five approaches to conflict
management. Take some time to reflect on your approach to conflict and see if you can identify your style.
Integrating
If you display high concern for your own needs, while at the same time honoring the needs of others, you may prefer the
integrating style of conflict management (Rahim, 1983a). For example, when Sophia and AJ experience a conflict, they tend to
view it as an opportunity to understand each other better, and they sit down and try to tackle the issue together. Integrating, also
known as collaborating (see Kilman & Thomas, 1977), consists of problem-solving, open communication, open confrontation of
conflict, assertiveness, and cooperation (Rahim, 2010). Integrating may be the best approach for resolving conflict when two
people who live or work closely together need to solve a problem (such as agreement on how to raise children), when buy-in is
needed from the other person (such as a couple agreeing on a car purchase), for long-term planning (such as planning to have
children), and when dealing with strategies for solving problems. Although research has shown that an integrating approach to
conflict is associated with satisfying relationships, it may not be appropriate when dealing with small issues, when quick decisions
are needed, when people do not care about the outcomes, and when people lack problem-solving training (Rahim, 2010). If you try
to solve every problem with an integrating approach, you may find yourself and the other party exhausted by the constant emphasis
on conflict.
Obliging
Do you ever find yourself sacrificing your needs to make someone else happy or to keep the peace in the relationship? Take, for
example, Naomi, who has many friends and is considered easy to get along with. She often finds herself going along with the
wishes of others, whether it’s her parents or her close friends. This is known as the obliging or accommodating style of conflict
management, which consists of high concern for others and low concern for self (Rahim, 1983a). We use an obliging approach for
a variety of reasons, including that we don’t find the conflict to be important, we want to keep harmony in the relationship, or we
lack the assertive communication skills to advocate for our own needs. Obliging can be an appropriate response to conflict when
the conflict is more important to the other person, when you are willing to make a sacrifice now in return for something later, when
you have less power in the relationship, or when you are clearly wrong (Rahim, 2001). Obliging can be beneficial to keeping the
peace. An interesting study looked at how members in a university medical department resolved their conflicts and found that an
obliging style was related to low levels of workplace stress and low levels of perceived conflict (Friedman et al., 2000).
Dominating
Have you ever met someone who needs to always be right? They might be exhibiting the dominating style of conflict
management, which occurs when we focus on our own needs at the expense of others (Rahim, 1983a). For example, Bella’s friend
Damien loves to debate every little topic, from climate change to the best local fast-food burger joint, and he will not let the
conversation drop until Bella gives in. This approach is competitive in nature, with a win-lose orientation to conflict. People who
practice a dominating approach may ignore the needs of others, be inflexible, try to win at all costs, and use their position of power
to impose their will upon others (Rahim et al., 2000). There are times in life when we may need to use a dominating style of
conflict management, such as when the outcome to the conflict might be harmful to you, or if you are involved in an inherently
competitive situation, such as a job interview where only one person can get the job. Regular use of a dominating approach to a
conflict may be harmful to interpersonal relationships in that it may lead the losing party to feel unhappy in the relationship.
Avoiding
Have you ever been in a situation when you chose not to deal with a conflict? This is known as an avoiding approach to conflict,
which consists of physical and emotional evasion of topics, situations, and people that evoke conflict. For example, Delaney is
angry with her two closest friends. Rather than dealing with it, she blocked them on all her social media accounts. This approach
consists of a low concern for self and low concern for others, and is sometimes viewed negatively in US culture. However, other
cultures might not view avoidance negatively, as this approach may be used to preserve harmony in relationships and contribute to
maintaining long-term relationships (Ting-Toomey, 1988). This approach to a conflict may be appropriate if the issue is of little
importance to you, if you or the other person need time to cool off, or if the disadvantages outweigh the benefits of confrontation
(Rahim, 2001). Avoidance is not appropriate when quick action is needed on your part, when decision making is required, or when
parties are “unwilling to wait” (Rahim, 2010, p. 54)
Compromising
In US culture, many of us have been taught to solve our problems by compromising, sharing, or splitting the difference. For
example, Javier and Jeff tend to argue over what movie they would like to see; rather than battling it out each week, they have
decided to take turns choosing the movie of the week. This means that every other week Javier must see a movie that he would not
have chosen on his own. The compromising style of conflict management consists of medium concern for self and medium concern
for others. This approach involves finding a middle ground in the conflict situation. Compromising can be effective when you and
the other person have equal power, when you need a quick and temporary solution, when you can’t reach a consensus, and when
your conflict goals are mutually exclusive. Although compromising may have many benefits for finding quick solutions, it is not
always perfect. Ongoing use of compromising can lead you to feel like your needs are not being met. Furthermore, compromise can
be ineffective when there are power imbalances (such as a boss and employee) problems are complex (such as deciding how to pay
for college), long-term solutions are needed, or when dealing with value conflicts (such as values of family, commitment, and trust)
(Rahim, 2001).
Understanding your conflict management styles can provide insight on how to improve conflict encounters (Conerly & Tripathi,
2004). No one style is better than others, rather we should consider adjusting our style based on our goals, the other person in the
conflict, and the needs of the situation. It is important to be aware that styles can be perceived differently (Gross & Guerrero,
2000). There are divergent cultural expectations of conflict, and you may be perceived differently based on your gender, age, race,
and situation. For example, there are other cultural variations when it comes to preference for conflict styles, such as emotionally
expressive responses, seeking out third parties, or using a passive-aggressive approach to sidestep direct confrontation of the
conflict (Ting-Toomey & Oetzel, 2001). A study of 200 college students working in teams found that the students perceived
integrating as the most effective and avoiding as an ineffective and inappropriate response to conflict. Within marriages, satisfied
couples report using integrating, compromising, and obliging styles, and less satisfied couples report using dominating and
avoiding styles of conflict management (Rahim et al., 2004).
Having an understanding of your conflict management style, as well as the approach used by people in your life, can help you
navigate what can sometimes be a frustrating experience. In addition to understanding your conflict management style, it is
important to understand responses to conflict that can aggravate the conflict, or worse, lead to the dissolution of the relationship. In
the next section, you will learn about the “Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse” and common unproductive conflict
behaviors.
 What Is Your Preferred Style of Conflict Management?
Now that you have reviewed the different styles of conflict management, it is time to reflect on your own approach to resolving
conflict. Below are five situations involving common relationship conflicts. For each scenario, read the five actions and choose
the response that is closest to the way you would like to respond if you were in a similar situation. Your answer should reflect
what you think you would do, not what you think you should do. Keep track of your choices for each item.
Scenario 1: Divorce Dilemma
You are a single parent. Ever since the divorce, you have been trying to better connect with your teenage son, Tamer. You’ve
noticed that they have been a bit distant and have been lying to you about where and who they’ve been hanging out with. You
text Tamer that you’d like to talk over the weekend about their recent behaviors. You look at your phone and the text indicates
“read,” yet Tamer doesn’t text you back nor bring up the text to you when you see them the next day. How do you respond?
1. Skip the conversation; you don't want to ruin the weekend.
2. Gently suggest to Tamer that you would appreciate it if they responded to your text messages.
3. Tell Tamer that as the parent you are responsible for their well-being. Insist that they explain their recent lying and failure
to respond to texts or you will take away their phone.
4. Propose a middle ground such that if Tamer will agree to respond to your texts quickly, you will agree to give them more
freedom in how they spend their time.
5. Try to empathize and understand how Tamer is feeling, and then propose that you develop some guidelines together for
family communication.
Scenario 2: Social Media
Your best friend has a habit of posting unflattering pictures of you on their social media account. You have asked them to stop
but the problem has continued. If you let them know an image bothers you, they are quick to remove it. Your friend has now
posted a picture that you find embarrassing and you want this practice to stop. How do you respond?
1. Say nothing and suffer in silence. They haven’t stopped and you doubt they ever will.
2. Try to get over it and not be so self-conscious.
3. Threaten your friend that if they don’t stop you will start posting embarrassing pictures of them.
4. Try to find a middle ground and ask your friend to agree that you will both share pictures with each other before posting.
5. Wait until a suitable time to sit down with your friend and talk about the situation. Listen to their side of the story and then
disclose how this is making you feel. Work towards a solid solution you can both agree with.
Scenario 3: Money Matters
Your closest friend always seems to be short of cash. Recently, their dog got sick and as a result of the vet bills they asked you
to spot them $50 so they could pay for their gas. They promised to pay you back on Friday, but a week later they still have not
paid you. How do you respond?
1. Put off talking about it. It just doesn’t seem like a good time.
2. Let it go since your friendship is worth more to you than $50.
3. Threaten your friend that if they do not pay you back you are going to cut off the relationship.
4. Instead of paying you back, ask them to complete some repairs around your house in exchange.
5. Sit down and talk to your friend. Try to understand the problem, then propose a repayment plan.
Scenario 4: Helicopter Parent
Your parents have been extremely hands-on and supportive throughout your childhood, coaching sports, volunteering in your
classes, and helping you prepare for college. Now that you have entered college, your parents are insisting on choosing your
major and it is a field you are not interested in. Your parents have told you that if you do not major in their chosen field, they
will not pay for your college expenses. How do you respond?
1. Do nothing. You are afraid of your parents' response.
2. Accept your parent's decision, as they are paying for your college expenses and you want to make them happy.
3. Tell your parents that they are being unreasonable. If that is how they feel, you will move out and pay for your own
education.
4. Propose taking a class in each field and then reporting back to your parents.
5. Listen to your parents to try and understand their point of view, and then share with them the career opportunities for your
major to see if you can reach an agreement.
Scenario 5: Holiday Drama
You and your significant other are looking forward to celebrating the holidays together—until you realize that both your
families celebrate on the same day and at the same time. This conflict is creating a lot of frustration for you and your partner.
How do you respond?
1. Say nothing and celebrate with your family. It's not worth the trouble at this time to change.
2. Agree to spend the holidays with your partner’s family. It seems like your partner cares more about the issue than you do.
3. Demand that if your partner really cares about you and your future together, they will make the effort to spend this holiday
with your family.
4. Propose that you and your partner spend half of the day with your family and half of the day with their family.
5. Set aside a good time to talk and empathize with your partner. Discuss developing a plan for how and where you will spend
the holidays together.
Scenario 6: Extroverts and Introverts
Your significant other likes to go out to clubs and parties, and have friends over, but you are much more introverted. You
would rather stay in, study for school, play video games, or watch movies. One day your partner tells you that they feel like
they are missing out on their social life and they want to talk about how you spend time together. You are afraid they will break
up with you. How do you respond?
1. Avoid your partner so you don’t have to deal with the problem in the middle of the semester.
2. Give in and agree to start going to parties and clubs to keep them happy.
3. Tell your partner they are being selfish for trying to change you and refuse to socialize with their friends.
4. Agree to start going out more if your partner is also willing to learn about your favorite video game.
5. Ask your partner to talk to see if you can work together to make some adjustments and find some activities outside of the
house that you can enjoy together.
Results
Tally up the number of As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Es you selected. Your answers indicate your preference for managing conflict.
Majority of A answers: indicates a preference for avoidance
Majority of B answers: indicates a preference for obliging
Majority of C answers: indicates a preference for competition
Majority of D answers: indicates a preference for compromising
Majority of E answers: indicates a preference for integrating
Mixed answers: If you have a tie or two close scores, it may indicate that you are skilled in more than one style and adapt
based on the needs of the situation.
Discussion and Reflection
As we can see from these scenarios, there are many different ways to respond to conflict. Having an understanding of your
own and others’ conflict styles can help you choose the best approach to achieving peaceful and meaningful conflict resolution.
Take a moment to reflect on your conflict preferences.
1. What are the potential strengths of your style preference?
2. What are the potential weaknesses of your style preference?
3. Explain which of the five styles you would like to work on developing.
Conflict Management Scenarios by Angela Hoppe-Nagao and Eric Alan Weidner (2022). CC BY 4.0.
This page titled 9.4: Conflict Management Style is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Learned Communication Responses to Conflict
Have you ever walked away from a conflict feeling bad about your behavior? You are not alone, as conflict can be a frustrating
emotional experience that can bring out the worst in us. Unproductive conflict behaviors consist of learned communication
responses to conflict that can damage relationships, escalate a conflict, stifle conflict resolution, and contribute to dysfunction in
relationships. Unproductive conflict behaviors are often used to set up attacks in conflict. They may lead to short-term wins, but
they sacrifice the health of the relationship and the self-concept of the other people in the conflict. In this section, you will first
learn about the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse, which are broad patterns of responses to conflict that harm
relationships. Second, you will be introduced to unproductive communication behaviors that are ineffective for conflict resolution.
Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

Imagine that you are about to get married, and a family member comes to you and tells you that they can predict whether or not you
will be divorced in five years. Would you like to know their prediction? While much of interpersonal research has focused on what
we can do with our communication to have happy relationships, researcher John Gottman has made a career of studying
communication behaviors that sabotage our closest relationships and what we can do to change these negative patterns. He has
identified four communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship due to their unproductive and dysfunctional nature
(Gottman & Driver, 2005; Gottman, 2014). He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Relational Apocalypse: criticism, contempt,
stonewalling, and defensiveness. These four forms of communication can sabotage your successful management of conflict.
Figure 9.5.1 : The Four Horsemen are used by permission from The Gottman Institute. Image by Julie Schwartz Gottman, John
Gottman, and The Gottman Institute. Source: The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes.
Criticism
This occurs when we publicly or privately call out someone’s faults in a negative manner. In Figure 9.5.1, criticism is described as
verbally attacking someone's character or personality. In relationships, it can be necessary to offer feedback, share complaints, or
offer a critique. However, criticism is different in that in addition to the issues being discussed, it relies on making a personal attack
on the other person's self-concept. Criticism can be private, such as between two people, or public, such as when someone criticizes
their partner in front of other people. Public criticism can feel more damaging because it is shared in front of other people, causing
the recipient to lose face or experience shame. Ongoing criticism can lead to conflict.
Complaint: “I feel frustrated because you keep buying candy for the kids. I thought we agreed that we are going to try to
limit how much candy they eat.”
Criticism: “You are a horrible partner and parent. Not only do you not honor our agreement, but you are also encouraging
unhealthy eating habits in our kids by loading them up with sugar.”
Contempt
This refers to the extreme dislike of another person and may include negative verbal and nonverbal expressions towards another
person. Figure 9.5.1 captures that contempt leads to attacks, insults, and abuse. Specific communication messages that fall under
contempt include insults, mockery, sarcasm, disapproval, judgment, name-calling, and negative labels (Gottman, 1994). Nonverbal
indicators of contempt include eye-rolling, facial expressions indicating disgust and anger (such as the nose wrinkle), and
aggressive hand gestures. Contempt is considered to be one of the most corrosive behaviors for relationships.
Consider this exchange between David and Stephanie, where Stephanie’s response indicates she is feeling contempt for David.
David: “I would like us to take another look at our family budget. I am worried that our family is making too many
materialistic purchases that are not in our family's best interest.”
Stephanie: “Hah! Are you suggesting I’m materialistic? Give me a break (rolling eyes)! If you learned to manage your
money better and figure out a simple budget, I wouldn’t have to break my back trying to support this family. I should have
listened to my family when they told me you were going to bleed me dry financially.”
Defensiveness
This is a common response to feedback and criticism. Figure 9.5.1 identifies that when people are defensive, they assume the role
of the victim and try to reverse the blame. Rather than listening and considering the feedback, the recipient tries to protect
themselves by making excuses, denying responsibility, blaming and or accusing the other person, justifying their behavior, or
offering a counter-criticism. The problem is that deflecting criticism with defensiveness leaves conflict issues unresolved. Gottman
found that there are specific communication behaviors that trigger defensiveness, including negative mind-reading and the
speaker's tone of voice. Negative mind-reading occurs when someone makes negative attributions about our thoughts, motives, and
behavior, such as “You always put yourself first and you never think about how I feel.” Negative mind-reading is further
exacerbated by a negative tone of voice, which can receive a different response than if the message was delivered with a neutral or
positive tone of voice.
Stonewalling
This occurs when the receiver emotionally or physically withdraws from the interaction, closing themselves off from the other
person because they feel overwhelmed. Stonewalling is a form of avoidance that is often a response to criticism and contempt. As
Figure 9.5.1 indicates, stonewalling is used to create distance, indicate disapproval, and create separation. According to Gottman, it
is common for people to become physiologically flooded during conflict exchanges (in other words, overcome with negative
emotions), which leaves them needing a break from the interaction. When we use stonewalling as a response, we tend to stop
listening, try to change or avoid the subject, and physically turn away from the other person. Nonverbal indicators of stonewalling
include a lack of eye contact, minimal facial expressions, head movement, and vocalizations.
For example, consider the situation of Rebecca and Javier, the happy new parents of a baby boy. Javier’s mother lives just five
minutes away from the new parents and has taken to dropping in daily to visit her grandson. Rebecca is frustrated by the
unannounced visits and would like Javier to intervene with his mother. Javier believes his mom just wants to help and feels trapped
between his wife and mother. The next time that Rebecca brings up the issue, Javier is overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. Rather
than dealing with the problem, he tells Rebecca that he does not have time to discuss the issue and he leaves for a walk. Continued
unresolved conflict may lead to defensiveness.
Figure Four horsemen of the apocalypse by Humber Museums Partnership from Flickr is
9.5.2 :
licensed CC BY NC SA
Communication Barriers to Conflict Management

Now that you understand the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse and the negative communication patterns that can
harm relationships, let’s examine some specific unproductive responses to conflict. Increasing your awareness of unproductive
conflict can help you recognize how these behaviors can create negative conflict spirals, identify these behaviors in your
interactions with others, and promote awareness of alternative, more collaborative and peaceful, responses.
Gunnysacking
A gunnysack is a large burlap sack. In the world of conflict, gunnysacking refers to storing up one’s grievances and unloading them
all at once at a later date on the other party. For example, consider the couple Erin and Gavin who have been dating for two years.
Erin would like to discuss the future of their relationship, but Gavin, in a defensive response, uses gunnysacking and starts to
unload all sorts of grievances, such as Erin’s money and time management, and lack of cooking skills, as reasons he is not ready to
discuss the future of their relationship. Erin is caught off guard and is curious why she hasn’t been made aware of these issues
before this time. Another conflict behavior that is closely related to gunnysacking is known as kitchen sinking.
Kitchen Sinking
Whereas with gunnysacking people store up their grievances to unload them at a later date, kitchen sinking refers to bringing up
past conflicts, even those resolved, to gain leverage in the conflict. The challenge created by kitchen sinking is that it can distract
from the conflict at hand by bringing up the past.
Blame
Some conflicts have a clearly identifiable source, but often there are multiple causes for the conflicts we experience. Blame, or
trying to place responsibility for the conflict on another person, is primarily only effective in making the other party feel defensive.
In the landmark book Getting to yes the authors recommend separating people from the issues. In other words, rather than blaming
the other person, recognize that we all play a part in the conflict process and that we must isolate the conflict as the source of the
problem, not the other party (Fisher et al., 2011).
Beltlining
This refers to a boxing move that means to hit below the belt. In terms of conflict, this metaphor refers to using intimate
information against each other to cause hurt and anger. For example, Annabelle and Ariana are having a conflict over their
friendship and Ariana beltlines Annabelle with this comment: “You have often wondered why you don’t have more friends. Based
on how you are acting right now, I don’t need to wonder anymore.”
Force
In January of 2021, Kanye West made headlines when he dropped a new song with the lyrics “God saved me from that crash / just
so I can beat Pete Davidson’s a**.” We live in a society where images of force are often glorified not only in song lyrics, but also in
movies, gaming, and professional fighting. Unfortunately, the use of force to control conflict is too common in interpersonal
relationships. Force refers to using physical pressure to exert control in conflict exchanges and can include both exertions directed
at inanimate objects, such as throwing and breaking a vase, or physical assault against another person. Of all the unproductive
conflict behaviors listed here, this one is the most harmful and dangerous. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence Statistics (2015), 21% of college students report dating violence by a current partner, and 32% of college students have
experienced dating violence from a previous romantic partner.
Manipulation
This unproductive conflict strategy includes one party being extremely charming and even generous to help sway the conflict
outcome in their direction. For example, Ian wants to buy a new surfboard. To soften up his wife, Lily, for the big purchase, he
makes favorite dinner and brings home a bouquet of roses, thinking that she won’t say no after he was so “considerate.” However,
if Lily finds out that Ian was merely being nice to gain an advantage, this may harm the trust in their relationship over the long run.
Personal Rejection
This occurs when one party in the conflict withholds love, affection, and attention from the other party. The strategy is designed to
reject the other person in hopes that they will give in to the other person and come back to reconcile. For example, after a family
conflict with his parents, Darren refuses to accept holiday gifts from his parents for his kids and sends them back, unopened.
Counterpunch
This is a defensive response to conflict whereby rather than responding to the initial topic of conflict, the other person reacts by
sharing their own, often unrelated criticism. For example, Sara asks Ethan to make a better effort cleaning up after himself in the
kitchen. Rather than responding to Sara’s request, Ethan responds with, “If you were a better cook, it might motivate me to clean up
my dishes.”
Labeling
This occurs when you assign negative terms to the other person’s behavior. We can do this internally by just thinking about it in our
heads, or externally by sharing our labels with others, or by labeling the other person during our interaction. Not only can labels be
extremely hurtful, but when we use labels to assign meaning to the behavior of other people, we begin to view those people through
the labels. For example, Mason works up the courage to tell their father that they do not want to go into the family business, but
instead would like to go to college. His father, who is extremely disappointed, responds by telling Mason that they are “ungrateful,”
“selfish,” and a “bad son.”
Silencers
These behaviors can stifle and silence the conflict, such as crying, yelling, and heavy breathing. When conflict escalates quickly,
parties may use silencers to deflect attention away from the conflict issue and instead make the conflict about the silencers. For
example, let’s say that friends Jasmine and Sam are having a conflict over money. Jasmine assertively tells Sam that she expects to
be repaid for the money she lent them. Rather than responding to Jasmine’s request, Sam begins crying and suggests that Jasmine is
a bully for bringing up the topic. The conflict now becomes about Jasmine’s approach and Sam’s crying; the money problem is left
without being addressed.
As we can see, there are a variety of ways we can worsen conflict, hurt the other person, and hurt our relationships. It is now time
to turn our attention to positive communication behaviors that you can use to resolve your differences.
This page titled 9.5: Unproductive Conflict is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela Hoppe-
Nagao (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Using Conflict as an Opportunity
Figure 9.6.1 : This fortune says, “The purpose of argument should not be victory, but progress.”
The Purpose of Argument is Progress by Jon Collier from Flickr CC BY-SA 2.0
As we have learned so far, interpersonal conflict can be a complicated, emotional, and frustrating experience. It is equally
important to recognize that conflict is normal and can be an opportunity to bring people together. Thankfully, there are several
helpful communication strategies available to you for conflict resolution. In this section, you will review communication skills that
help promote peaceful conflict resolution, learn a model of conflict resolution, and learn about alternative options for conflict
management.
Communication Skills for Effective Conflict Resolution

As previously noted, communication and conflict are closely woven together. Thus, communication behaviors can both serve as a
source of conflict and as the key to resolving interpersonal conflict. Throughout this text, you have learned a variety of
interpersonal communication skills that will come in handy when trying to resolve conflict. This section will provide an overview
of key communication skills for effective conflict resolution and provide additional tips to help in the process.
Mindfulness
Approach conflict with mindfulness. Mindfulness refers to being present in the moment, with increased awareness of your
thoughts, feelings, and communication behaviors. To approach conflict mindfully, consider your conflict opening, including your
tone of voice and tone of the message. For example, Liana is aware that she is an assertive communicator who at times can be very
passionate about her views. When addressing conflicts with her friends or family she makes a conscious effort to use a considerate
tone and to find the right words to start the discussion. A gentle start to the conflict can help make the other person more willing to
listen.
Perception Checking
When negotiating conflict, it is important to understand the source of the conflict and the perspective of the other parties. Take the
time to check your perceptions about the cause of the conflict and how the other person is feeling.
Being Unconditionally Constructive
Regardless of the approach used by the other party in the conflict, commit to being unconditionally constructive, which means
adhering to the principles of ethical communication by honoring yourself, the other person, and the relationship, and not engaging
in communication behaviors that will harm the other party or the relationship. We cannot change how others will respond to us, but
we can choose to control our own communication behaviors (Fisher et al., 2011).
The 5 to 1 Rule
People in satisfying and stable relationships share more positive than negative messages about their relationships and each other.
Even during an argument, it is worthwhile to take the time to appreciate the other person. This phenomenon, which is called the 5
to 1 Rule, is particularly important when trying to resolve conflicts (Gottman, 1994). To practice the 5 to 1 Rule, include positive
communication behaviors such as empathy, making respectful jokes, expressing appreciation for the other person (even for trivial
things like taking out the trash), apologizing, trying to find areas of agreement, expressing both physical and verbal affection, and
demonstrating that you are interested in the other person.
Bracketing
This refers to breaking down the conflict into smaller and more manageable parts. Sometimes during a conflict, individuals will
bring a large variety of topics to the table, including old issues. It can be helpful to say “What is the most pressing issue for you (or
us) right now? We can deal with the other issues, but let’s try to focus on one right now.” Separating conflict issues into smaller
parts increases the chances of successfully resolving problems.
Active Listening
Family therapists stress that active listening is one of the most important communication skills to use to promote harmonious
relationships and to help manage conflicts. When you find yourself in a conflict situation, whenever possible, be the first to listen
by encouraging the other party to speak and then take time to paraphrase their messages. This helps to slow the pace of conflicts
and encourages mutual understanding. Now, in some situations, you may find yourself initiating a discussion of the conflict. If that
is the case, you will likely speak first, and then request feedback from the other party.
Assertiveness
In terms of conflict management, being assertive with our communication helps us stand up for ourselves while at the same time
respecting the needs of the other person. If you decide to address a conflict with another party, review tips for assertive
communication, such as relying on communication that is respectful, honest, and maintains a focus on the needs of both parties.
Empathy
To take a collaborative approach to conflict, actively try to put yourself in the other party's position to understand the conflict from
their point of view. How would you feel if you were in their shoes? Empathy is essential to achieving a collaborative outcome to
the conflict. Taking the time to verbally express that you empathize with the other person can encourage them to also empathize
with you, building a connection that may help lead to resolution.
Emotional Intelligence
This is a key component of successful conflict negotiation. When preparing to engage in conflict, check in with your emotional
intelligence. How are you and the other party feeling emotionally and physically? Is it the right time to discuss a conflict? Are you
able to empathize with the other party? Are you in control of your communication behavior? Practicing emotional intelligence
while engaging in conflict resolution will contribute to maintaining and strengthening the relationship rather than solely focusing
on winning the argument.
You have now reviewed several communication tools that can help you improve your conflict negotiation experiences. In the next
section, let’s examine a step-by-step model for creating a collaborative and peaceful conflict negotiation.
 Conflict Letter
Now that you have familiarized yourself with conflict management styles, unproductive conflict, and communication strategies
for conflict resolution, it is time to reflect on what you have learned.
Think about an important relationship you have with a friend, family member, romantic partner, or co-worker, and how you
would like to improve problem-solving in the relationship. Take a few minutes to write this person a letter or email that reflects
on what you have learned about your approach to conflict. Your letter should be about addressing your conflict style, not the
other person's.
In the letter, identify your preferred conflict management style and explain what it means. Briefly discuss how your conflict
style may impact the other person. You can begin with: “I hope this letter finds you doing well. I am currently taking an
interpersonal communication class and have been learning about my communication style when trying to solve problems. I
find that I approach conflict as an avoider/obliger/compromiser/etc.” Take the time to mention a strength and a drawback of
your approach.
Review the list of unproductive conflict management strategies, and identify at least one unproductive strategy you use that
you would like to try to minimize.
Review tips throughout the book and explain how you will try to improve how you manage conflicts in your relationship.
You can share at least two new communication tools you plan to try to use the next time you encounter a conflict with this
person.
Talk about your role and what you plan to do, not focusing on what the other person should be doing. You can make one
request, but the focus should be on improving your own conflict communication.
You can share this letter with the person you wrote it to, or keep it for yourself as motivation to work towards peaceful
conflict resolution.
Integrative Conflict Resolution Model

Conflict negotiation refers to a formal or informal process that individuals use to find a mutually agreeable solution to a problem.
When sorting through the complexity of conflict, it can help to have a model to guide the process. Before you choose to try and
solve a problem, it can be helpful to ask yourself a few guiding questions first:
Will this subject bother me tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.? If the answer is yes, give yourself some time to cool off and
plan to address the issue. If the answer is no, you may choose not to deal with the situation.
Is this the right time to address the problem? Do you and the other person have the time and emotional bandwidth to tackle the
conflict? If not now, schedule a time to talk later.
Are you addressing the conflict with the correct person? All too often, we complain to friends and family members about a
problem we have experienced with someone else. This allows us to release a little emotional frustration, but if the problem
continues you will need to address it with the involved parties.
The integrative conflict resolution model presented below is appropriate to use for issues that are important to you and/or the other
person, ongoing conflicts, or conflicts that may significantly impact you.
1. Define the conflict: To successfully negotiate conflict, all parties in the conflict must identify the issues. You can begin by
describing the central concerns and identifying different conflict goals (content, relational, identity, process). There may be
multiple issues at play, and this is a good time to practice bracketing, or breaking the conflict into smaller parts, to determine
what issues you would like to focus on.
2. Use “I” statements: Use “I” statements instead of “you” language to avoid triggering defensiveness and to demonstrate that
you are taking responsibility for your own feelings.
3. Empathize with the other person: When possible and appropriate, take the time to acknowledge how the other person is
feeling and their perspective on the conflict.
4. Brainstorm solutions: Once both parties have identified the conflict and shared their personal perspectives, jointly brainstorm
solutions to the problem. Brainstorm multiple solutions together. Refrain from judging solutions during this step.
5. Test a solution: Jointly select a solution to the conflict that you are willing to put into practice. Agree to a timeline to test the
solution, whether it be in days, weeks, or months.
6. Adopt or reject the solution: After the agreed-upon time has passed, meet up to discuss the solution to the conflict. Did the
solution solve the problem? Did it make it worse? You may need to revisit the conflict and test a new solution.
Using the integrative conflict resolution model can take time and practice. When you first use the model, it can feel a bit stiff and
artificial, as though you are following a script for a play. However, over time, using an approach like this can help you slow down
and think through the best options for conflict resolution. If you are facing a significant area of conflict with a friend, family
member, or co-worker, it may help to sit down and think through in advance what you would like to say and accomplish.
Some conflicts can be too big for individuals to resolve on their own. In these cases, it can help to seek out a third party. There are
many options available. Conflict mediation is where individuals seek help resolving a conflict with the aid of a trained mediator.
Many cities offer free or low-cost conflict mediation services for families, couples, and communities. In other situations,
particularly when conflict is creating a painful emotional experience, or is multi-layered, therapy or counseling may be a beneficial
option. Therapy or counseling can provide individuals and families with training, problem-solving, and coping strategies for
managing conflict. Colleges frequently offer free therapy sessions and/or referrals for low-cost options within the community. If
you experience conflict at work, you may want to turn to your Human Resources department for help in resolving the issue. It is
worthwhile to develop skills in peaceful conflict resolution, but it is also helpful to recognize times when you may need
professional assistance to aid you in solving your conflict.
Building Bridges Through Apology and Forgiveness
Figure 9.6.1 : Forgiveness by scem.info from Flickr CC-BY-SA-2.0.

As we have learned throughout this book, our personal relationships with family, friends and romantic partners are essential for our
physical and psychological well-being. However, despite our best intentions, conflict can arise in these relationships, creating
emotionally charged situations and often resulting in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Offering an apology to another is a signal that you recognize the impact of your actions and that you would like to make amends.
Granting forgiveness is the process of fostering personal healing by offering grace to the party who has hurt us. To forgive does not
mean to excuse or forget that you have been harmed. Rather, the aim of forgiveness is to bring peace that allows both parties to
move forward.
Learning to apologize effectively may be one of the most powerful communication tools we can use to respond when things go
wrong in our relationships. In the book A good apology: Four steps to make things right (2020), psychologist Molly Howes
outlines four steps for a meaningful apology:
1. First, you must come to understand the other person’s injury, including the effects of your actions. This usually involves asking
questions and listening.
2. Second, you must articulate a sincere statement of regret. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other
person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
3. Third, you must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
4. Fourth, you must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again (Howes, 2020, p. 73).
As with the other communication skills you have learned throughout this book, apology and forgiveness take practice and patience.
When should you forgive? One of my favorite sayings is from 18th-century poet Alexander Pope, who wrote, “To err is human, to
forgive is divine.” This line reminds us that it is human nature to make mistakes, and it is a gracious act to grant forgiveness.
Granting forgiveness does not mean releasing the other person from responsibility, but can allow us to move forward with our lives
by releasing us from pain and from any control that a situation or other person may have over us.
 Consider This: To Apologize and Forgive, That Is the Question
Jake and Dana have been friends since elementary school. After high school, Jake became heavily involved in the drug scene.
Unfortunately, Jake developed a drug addiction. As a result of the addiction, Jake alienated friends and family, stole money
from Dana, and as a breaking point, endangered Dana’s life. As a result, Dana cut off all contact with Jake. After hitting rock
bottom, Jake completed two rounds of rehab. Upon completion of the last round of treatment, Jake reached out to Dana
through text, and apologized for their previous behavior, acknowledging the theft and the danger caused as a result of the
addiction.
1. Based on Howes’ (2020) four steps for a meaningful apology (understand, articulate, repair, and prevention, how would
you apologize to Dana if you were in Jake’s position?
2. If you were in Dana’s position, would you be able to forgive Jake? Why or why not? Explain how you might respond to a
sincere apology from Jake.
9.6: Conflict Resolution is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Summary
In this chapter, we explored conflict and communication in personal relationships. We learned that conflict is based on
interdependent relationships, competing goals, limited resources, and interference from others, and that culture can add a
significant dimension to how we perceive and resolve conflict.
It is important to recognize that we approach conflict situations with distinctive styles, including integrating, dominating, avoiding,
competing, and obliging preferences. These styles will in turn impact how the conflict is resolved, including win-win, win-lose, and
lose-lose outcomes. Conflict can be further complicated by the use of unproductive conflict behaviors, such as gunnysacking,
kitchen sinking, blame, beltlining, force, manipulation, personal rejection, counterpunch, labels, and silencers. The use of
unproductive conflict behaviors may lead to short-term win-lose outcomes, but over time they can cause conflict to spiral out of
control, hurt the relationship, and hurt the self-concepts of the people on the receiving end.
To close the chapter, we explored specific communication tools to help enhance successful conflict management, as well as an
integrative model of conflict negotiation. There are a variety of communication tools that can encourage the peaceful resolution of
conflict, including mindfulness, being unconditionally constructive, practicing the 5 to 1 Rule, bracketing, perception checking,
active listening and mirroring, assertiveness, empathy, and emotional intelligence. For conflicts that are ongoing and have a
significant impact, practicing the integrative conflict resolution model may help to solve the conflict. Last, it is important to
recognize when conflict may benefit from the help of a third party, such as a conflict mediator or therapist.
Interpersonal conflict, when managed with empathy and grace, can lead to a variety of benefits. It is important to remember to
commit to honoring yourself, the other person, and the relationship. In doing so, you may experience greater personal awareness,
understanding of the other person, and relationship growth.
1. Think of a recent situation in which you experienced a conflict or a problem in a relationship with a friend, family member,
romantic partner, or co-worker. What type of conflict goal is at the heart of the problem? If you could go back and renegotiate
the conflict, what are three conflict management skills you learned in this chapter that you would apply for peaceful problem
resolution? How might the context of the situation influence your choice of conflict management style?
2. Reflect on your own style of conflict management (avoidance, dominating, integrating, obliging, compromising). Do you try to
jump right in and solve the problem, or would you rather not deal with issues? Do you try and protect the relationship first, or
do you try to win and get your way? What is the benefit of your approach? What is the downside to your approach? Based on
what you have learned in this chapter, how might you adapt your conflict management approach in the future?
3. In your family, what are the expectations for handling conflict? (Consider cultural factors such as race and ethnicity, gender,
age, individualism/collectivism, and sexual orientation.) How do these expectations impact your relationships with others?
9.7: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
9.8: References
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CHAPTER OVERVIEW
10: Building and Maintaining Relationships

Identify and understand different types of interpersonal relationships, needs, roles, and norms
Discuss how interpersonal communication changes as we move through various relationship stages
Explain the influence that context, identity, and culture have on our interpersonal communication interactions and
relationships
Apply interpersonal communication theories and strategies when discussing and analyzing relationships
Interpersonal communication is vital to building, maintaining, and even ending our relationships. In this chapter, we discuss the
foundations of relationships, relational stages, and the tools and strategies to achieve the relational outcomes we desire. We talk
about healthy and unhealthy communication in relationships, and how to deal with relationship termination.
10.9: References
This page titled 10: Building and Maintaining Relationships is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Eric Weidner, Hilary Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Introduction
Yasmeen is visiting with her in-law’s family for Thanksgiving. Her partner is currently deployed in the armed forces, so she is there
for the first time on her own. Yasmeen and her husband do not practice any religion at home, as they come from different cultural
and religious backgrounds. As the family sits down for the meal, everyone holds hands and Yasmeen is asked to say a prayer. She
is unsure what to do. She does not want to alienate or offend her husband’s family. At the same time, she does not want to say
something disingenuous, or that goes against her own practices.
Questions
1. What options would you offer to Yasmeen in this situation, in order to both maintain her relationship with her in-laws and stay
true to herself?
2. In this situation, how does the context (Thanksgiving at her in-laws, while her husband is deployed) contribute to her
interpersonal considerations?
3. Have you ever had a situation like this, where differences in cultural or religious backgrounds led to challenges with
interpersonal communication?
The vignette you just read exemplifies how challenging interpersonal communication can be, even within close relationships.
Interpersonal relationships vary from surface conversations to friendships to romantic partnerships. The same issues we find in this
example are applicable in many different situations. Can you remember meeting your best friend for the first time? Do you think
about how you are presenting yourself when you interview for a job or go on a first date? These are the complexities we all have to
navigate in new relationships. Interpersonal Communication is vital to building, maintaining, and even ending our relationships. In
this chapter, we will discuss the foundations of relationships, relational stages, and the tools and strategies we have to achieve the
relational outcomes we desire. This chapter introduces couples' communication and weaves in how identity and culture affect our
interactions and relationships.
This page titled 10.1: Introduction to Building and Maintaining Relationships is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed,
and/or curated by Eric Weidner, Hilary Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Types of Relationships: Personal versus Social
To begin, let’s consider all of the relationships you have in your life. You may be surprised by the number of relationships you
have. Consider all your friends, acquaintances, family members, classmates, coworkers, teammates, and people with whom you are
developing relationships. All of the relationships in our lives fall within two major categories: personal and social.
Personal Relationships
Personal relationships are those that are very close and provide a deeper level of connection, whether that be emotional, physical,
or spiritual. Best friends and close family members belong in the personal category. These are people we share deep levels of
information with. If you experience distress about a fight you had with a romantic partner, who would you choose to talk with
about it? The likelihood is that you would choose someone you have a personal relationship with, where there is a higher level of
trust and history. Not all relationships are personal. In some cases, like with classmates or co-workers, we may have more surface
relationships. We call these social relationships.
Social Relationships
Social relationships meet specific needs, yet do not rise to the same level of intimacy as personal relationships. Perhaps you have
an acquaintance that you exercise with on a weekly basis. You enjoy the time you share together when you go for your weekly
hike, however, you do not feel comfortable talking about problems that come up in your love relationship.
It is important to note that relationships can change over time. While we may start out in a social relationship with our exercise
buddy, we may find that we trust this person more, every time we meet. Let’s say you are feeling sad about the recent death of a
family member, yet choose to go on your weekly hike with Janice. On this particular hike, Janice notices you seem different and
asks you what’s going on. When you disclose to Janice that you are grieving a family member, she listens and supports you.
Perhaps she also tells you about someone she lost recently. In this scenario, the relationship you previously considered social with
Janice is quickly developing into a personal relationship.
Types of Relationships: Voluntary versus Involuntary

There are many types of relationships, including titles you are likely familiar with like family, friend, or romantic partner. However,
before we unpack some of the nuances between those types of relationships, let’s consider another lens that can help us distinguish
how these bonds differ more broadly. How did you meet your caregivers, siblings, or other members of your family? Was it the
same process you went through when meeting your friends? Probably not. In the traditional sense, we don’t choose our family, but
we do get some say in who we call a friend.
Voluntary Relationship
We call a relationship voluntary when the person has freely chosen, of their own will, to form a connection with another
individual. For example, when you are in elementary school, you may bond with another child on the playground because you both
like to use the swings. No one forced you to play together or talk. There was a genuine desire to spend time together doing
something you both enjoyed.
Involuntary Relationship
Involuntary relationships occur when an interpersonal connection is formed not by choice, but by a situational occurrence. Some
examples of involuntary relationships include random seating in school, placement into a work team or committee, or jury
selection. Think about the forced relationship between a prisoner and a warden. These two individuals need to interact
interpersonally, however, neither person chose the relationship.
Relationship Typology Spectrums

As we have discussed, relationships can exist in a range of ways. Let’s go a bit deeper. Figure 10.2.1 refers to relationship
typologies. We previously discussed the differences between social and personal relationships, as well as voluntary and
involuntary. When these two relationship categories are further broken down and combined, they describe four distinct and specific
typologies: voluntary personal, voluntary social, involuntary personal, and involuntary social. Let’s take a closer look at each
of the four relationship typologies.
Voluntary Personal Voluntary Social
Partners/Spouses and Best Friends Acquaintances and Activity Partners (for example: Workout buddies)
Involuntary Personal Involuntary Social
Parent-Child, Siblings, Grandparent/Godparent-Child, and Distant Relatives, Co-Workers, Neighbors, Classmates, and
Colleagues Teacher-Student relationships
Figure 10.2.1: Relationship Typologies adapted from C. Arthur VanLear, Ascan Koerner, and Donna M. Allen is licensed as CC
BY-NC-SA 4.0
Voluntary Personal Relationships

An example of a voluntary personal relationship could be romantic partners. Typically romantic partners know each other well
and self-disclose with intimacy. Additionally, we will assume the individuals in this relationship chose to be with the other. Another
example of a voluntary personal relationship would be members of Drama Club. Students choose to join Drama Club voluntarily,
based on their interest in watching, reading, and creating and performing plays and musicals. Furthermore, members of the Drama
Club can quit at any time, so the relationships they engage in are voluntary.
Voluntary Social Relationships

An example of a voluntary social relationship could be the relationship you have with your gym partner, whom you have chosen
to work out with, but your conversation lives more on the surface.
Involuntary Personal Relationships

An example of an involuntary personal relationship could be the relationship you have with a sibling, with whom you had no
choice in being in a family. However, you know your sibling rather intimately.
Involuntary Social Relationships

An example of an involuntary social relationship could be the relationship you have with your neighbors. You might have chosen
to live in a certain location but it is likely you didn’t know your neighbors until after you moved in. You probably don’t have an
incredibly close relationship with them just because they live next door, and you likely don’t share a close bond.
Although these categories can help us better understand how and why communication looks different in relationships, don’t get too
caught up in the labels. Think of the names of these relationships as tools to help us better understand potential contexts and
dynamics. Also note, that a relationship can start off in one quadrant of this table, but over time, shift to another. For example,
perhaps on your first day at a new job, you find out you are sharing an office with a peer, and from there you establish an
involuntary social relationship. But one day you and this person decide to grab lunch together, and soon you are hanging out on
weekends. Now that you are enjoying each other's company outside of professional settings or tasks, your relationship has become
more voluntary and personal.
Boundaries
Boundaries are expectations and limitations we define in order to suit our needs and ensure that relationships stay within the
appropriate category of personal or social. The main goal in setting boundaries is to create a healthy relationship, where every role
and norm within the relationship is agreed upon by all parties. Boundaries don’t inherently exist in relationships but need to be
mindfully defined through communication, otherwise, relationships can take a shape not everyone consents to. Therefore, it is
helpful to clarify boundaries and communicate about them in our relationships, not just at the beginning but in an ongoing way.
Defining relationship boundaries can feel unnecessary in certain relationships. For example, the relationship between a mother and
her young child is based on their biological roles. There are some obvious norms, such as the mother being in charge because she is
her child’s caretaker, which creates an inherent power discrepancy. This suggests that most boundaries will be set by the mother in
that relationships. Power dynamics will be explored more thoroughly in Chapter 12. One thing to note now is that power can be
symmetrical, where each person has the same amount of power, or it can be asymmetrical, or uneven. Generally speaking, the
more symmetrical the power dynamic, the more necessary it is to define relationship boundaries because the roles and norms are
less obvious. That is not to say you should assume boundaries in asymmetrical relationships. It is always beneficial to discuss
relational boundaries, even if they are more obvious.
Siblings of a similar age, who get along well and try to share responsibilities, are an example of a symmetrical power
relationship. This is because both siblings have approximately the same amount of power. In an asymmetrical relationship, one
person has more power than the other, as is the case between a parent and child. (Note: many collectivistic cultures specifically set
norms around honoring and respecting elders, including siblings.) At times, a relationship that is initially symmetrical may become
asymmetrical, or vice versa. For example, let’s say as the two siblings reach adolescence, one child enjoys conversational and
decision-making control more than the other. In this case, the relationship might become asymmetrical, with one sibling exhibiting
higher control.
Another interesting change that can occur, with respect to control, is when an asymmetrical relationship stays uneven, but the
power dynamic shifts. For example, when adopted twins Janice and David were young children, they were cared for by their
parents. When their parents became elderly, Janice invited them to move into her home. Janice and her partner now help her parents
with food preparation, laundry, and cleaning. David comes to visit twice per week and drives both of his parents to doctors'
appointments. In this example, the parents initially had more power than the children. However, as the children matured and took
on caretaking roles for their elderly parents, the power in the relationship shifted. When power shifts occur, our relationships
inevitably change. Using effective interpersonal communication to clarify or renegotiate boundaries may help to facilitate this
transition to new roles and norms.
Roles and Norms

Roles are the specific parts we play in our relationships. At times, our role is similar or synonymous with our title in that
relationship. For example, Grandma Anita enjoys playing the role of a stereotypical “grandparent,” perhaps providing love and
gifts, but not necessarily engaging in setting rules or providing discipline. However, it is not uncommon for grandparents to take on
a major parenting role, either part-time while parents are at work, or full-time if parents are not part of their children's lives. The
real key to understanding our roles in relationships is to examine the norms.
Norms are the behaviors and acts we perform in relationships. Some norms are mutual, meaning each person performs them. For
example, it might be typical in your love relationship for you and your romantic partner to take turns cooking dinner. Other norms
might be more individual, for example perhaps only one of you likes to drive when you go out together. Most norms can change
over time, but it is wise to establish norms that feel healthy and agreeable early in your relationships.
You might be thinking to yourself, “I have never discussed boundaries, roles, or norms, and I have great relationships!” That is very
fortunate! But remember, communication is not just about what you say, it is about what you do and other nonverbal messages. So,
perhaps you have set very clear boundaries through your actions. Or perhaps some of your relationships follow the expected norms
and roles we have been socialized to agree upon and perform.
 Reflection Questions
Take a moment to reflect on the boundaries, roles, and norms you have established in various relationships.
Are there relationships where the roles and norms seem unclear?
Do these need to be renegotiated or clarified?
How might you use effective interpersonal communication to clarify these roles and norms and improve the relationship
moving forward
Dialectical Tensions
When we engage in any type of relationship, it is normal to experience both internal and relational struggles. This is normal, as we
are always navigating between our self-concept (or who we are) and how we want to behave in a relational context. We call this
push and pull between what feels like opposing forces dialectical tensions or dialectics. Dialectical tensions occur both in our
internal dialogues, as well as in our relational communication patterns. You may be wondering, why we experience these tensions.
Baxter (2011) explains that these tensions are due to the many competing discourses that we experience in the world. This interplay
of complex goals and desires can lead to interesting communication patterns, which can be characterized by three sets of dialectical
tensions: independence and connection, novelty and predictability, and openness and closedness. Dialectics continuously define
and redefine our relationships, and it is essential to understand them so we can navigate towards satisfactory and healthy
relationships. Let’s explore each of the dialectics more closely.
Independence and Connection
One of the main tensions falls in the struggle between independence and connection. This refers to our need as multifaceted
human beings to have both close connections with others and also independence. For example, two people in a romantic
relationship may want to spend time together enjoying opera, while also spending time apart from one another to engage in their
individual interests. In every relationship, whether romantic or not, each person must balance how much time to spend with the
other and how much time to spend alone. A healthy relationship has a balance of both independence and connection.
Novelty and Predictability

The second dialectic we will discuss is between novelty and predictability. This tension refers to our desire for predictability, as
well as a bit of spontaneity, in our relationships. In our relationships, we may take comfort in a certain level of routine as a way of
knowing when we can count on people for various needs. Such predictability provides a sense of comfort, security, and stability.
For example, it is comforting to know your best friend will always let you know when you have food in your teeth (or at least you
hope so). On the flip side, relationships also require a balance of novelty and spontaneity to avoid becoming mundane and routine.
For example, romantic couples may plan a date night each Saturday where they take turns choosing new restaurants and interactive
experiences around the city to engage in together, versus watching reruns of the same television show while eating takeout from
their typical pizza joint.
Openness and Closedness

The final set of tensions we discuss focuses on openness and closedness. Openness and closedness refers to the desire to be open
and transparent with others, while at the same time maintaining a sense of mystery and privacy. A person’s desire for privacy does
not necessarily mean they are shutting out others. As humans, we are multifaceted and multilayered, like an onion. When we meet
new people, we tend to stay on the surface level (or outer layer of the onion) and wait to self-disclose our most personal
information to those with whom we have the closest relationships. However, even our closest friends and loved ones do not know
everything about us. We have many lived experiences (and skeletons in our closet), and it’s OK to keep some information private.
For example, a committed couple promises to communicate openly and honestly. However, they may have difficulty talking about
their childhood traumas with one another. Any time we are in a relationship, we manage these dialectical tensions that arise. That is
because they cannot be fully resolved.
Figure 10.2.2 : Loving Glance by Alex Lujan on Unsplash
Culture and Intercultural Communication in Relationships

As if relationships weren’t complicated enough, culture also plays a big role in how we experience interpersonal relationships.
Culture is a shared set of values, beliefs, and behaviors among a common group of people. In most cases, people enter
relationships with at least slight variations in their cultural background, and quite likely they differ from one another based on
multiple parts of their identities, including race, ethnicity, class, gender, ability, and age (to name a few). Even when two people in
an interpersonal relationship consider themselves similar in terms of their cultural background, there may be elements of
intercultural communication at play, because no two people are exactly the same.
Fortunately, there are many theories and strategies that can help us maintain our relationships, not only in spite of these differences
but in celebration of these differences. In the next section, we will explore some of the most common relationship types where we
experience interpersonal communication frequently, specifically family, friendship, romantic partnerships, and workplace
relationships.
This page titled 10.2: Foundations of Relationships is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric
Weidner, Hilary Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Figure 10.3.1 : Family by Syuhada Faizal is licensed as CC BY NC 2.0
Family
How do you define family? There is no right or wrong answer! Families are traditionally defined as the people with whom you are
connected by blood, however, that is not a required characteristic. How we define family changes over our lifetimes. For many
people, the first understanding of family starts off as the people who raised us or those who were raised among us, which could
include biological parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, cousins, foster parents, adoptive parents, extended relatives, close
friends, in-laws, and step-family members. As we age, who we identify as a family member continues to evolve as we experience
new phases of life. We may move around, grow and mature, live with friends, date, marry, adopt or foster a child, divorce, and
remarry. As adults, many people start to look at family membership as less of an involuntary relationship, and more of a voluntary
choice.
To begin our discussion, let’s frame family as the people who raised you from childhood through adolescence, whether there is a
biological connection or not. In either case, the bonds, experiences, and communication patterns you develop with the people who
make up this type of relationship lays a foundation for all your relationships thereafter. This is because they model communication
for us, and we learn from their example. The communication skills, norms, and expectations we learn from our families of origin
become our starting point for interacting with the world. Let’s examine some common communication patterns within family
relationships.
Think about how often you talk to your family. What do you talk about? Do you feel free to speak your mind? Now consider the
table below, which again offers two different categories that intersect along two different spectrums.
In Figure 10.3.2, two different communication orientations are represented. Figure 10.3.2 refers to the degree to which family
members interact and communicate about various topics. Conformity orientation refers to the degree to which a family expects
uniformity of beliefs, attitudes, values, and behaviors. Conversation and conformity orientations intersect to create the following
family climates: consensual, pluralistic, protective, and laissez-faire. In Figure 10.3.2 we see a square, divided into four boxes
by two axes. Descriptions of the four types of families follow.
Pluralistic = Consensual =
High Conversation and Low Conformity High Conversation and High Conformity
Laissez-Faire = Protective =
Low Conversation and Low Conformity Low Conversation and High Conformity
Figure 10.3.2: Family Types Based on Conversation and Conformity Orientations by Koerner, A. F. and Mary Anne Fitzpatrick is
licensed as CC BY -NC-SA 4.0
Pluralistic
Pluralistic families talk a lot (high conversation) but do not expect to agree (low conformity). Many families might see
themselves fitting into this category in general, or on specific topics. For example, topics like the sports or movie genres you each
like could be in the pluralistic quadrant, meaning you all share your thoughts on films and games, but disagreement doesn’t ruffle
anyone's feathers.
Consensual
Consensual families talk a lot (high conversation) and expect to agree (high conformity). One topic that might fit here is how a
family celebrates any fun family holidays that the entire family looks forward to and enjoys. Other topics might be what religion is
observed in the home, or children's plans after college— and in this type of family, despite your personal feelings, you are expected
to do what your parents say, with little room for negotiation.
Laissez-Faire
Laissez-faire families talk less (low conversation) and do not expect to agree (low conformity). A common topic here could be
what you like to order from your family's favorite take-out spot. It only comes up when it's time to order, and everyone gets what
they want.
Protective
In the protective quadrant families talk less (low conversation) and do expect to agree (high conformity). A possible topic here
could be going to your younger siblings' dance recital. You are just expected to show up, right?
Friendships
How do you define friendship? There is no right or wrong answer. Friendship, like family, is in the eye of the beholder. In essence,
friendship is often thought of as a close relationship with a person with whom you have a common interest or connection.
Friendship is often considered a voluntary social relationship, but it can become voluntary personal if there is a large amount of
contact and self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is when you purposefully share personal information with another individual. It
includes the expression of your observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs.
 Chosen Family
Figure 10.3.3 : Just Chillin' by Michael Poley licensed by AllGo

The term chosen families (Weston, 1991) originally referred to families that members of the LGBTQIA+ community formed
with friends, community members, and others, when their families of origin excluded them, due to their sexuality or gender
expression. In modern times, many of us have formed small groups of intimate friends and neighbors who act as our most
trusted companions, essentially like family. The term friendsgiving has become commonplace, indicating that we are sharing
Thanksgiving with non-family members, whom we consider close friends (Fetters, 2018).
1. Do you have a group of close friends you consider to be your chosen family?
2. What are the advantages of having non-family members in your intimate group for celebrations, discussions of difficult
issues, and support?
3. If you do not have a “chosen family,” who would you include in this group?
Common Friendship Types
As with all relationships, friendships look different over time, and as we get older. For adults, in particular, there are three common
types of friendships: reciprocal, associative, and receptive.
Reciprocal Friendships
Reciprocal friendships involve people who are equally invested in the relationship. They share a similar appreciation for each
other’s company, and a desire to maintain a connection throughout changing circumstances. Perhaps you have a friend whom you
have known for a long time, maybe since childhood, to whom you are still connected despite having grown in different ways. This
person might even be your “best friend”—someone you feel you can talk to about anything without judgment, and vice versa.
Associative Friendships
Associative friendships are a lighter version of reciprocal friendship. They include people who have the same level of respect and
fondness for one another, but they connect less frequently with less depth. In these relationships, the two people involved are more
like close acquaintances. They may connect over specific shared interests. For example, maybe you volunteer somewhere and work
with the same community of people every week or month. You have likely bonded and grown relatively close within a specific
area; however, it is not clear that this relationship extends beyond the boundaries of your specific common interest area.
Receptive Friendships
Receptive friendships tend to have some imbalance of power. Common examples include when you have a friendly relationship
with your boss or yoga instructor. These relationships can be very meaningful, however, they can be tricky if the power imbalance
gets in the way. When participating in a receptive friendship, it is important to be aware of the possibility that the person who is the
supervisor or mentor could take advantage of the power differential in the relationship. This would be an abuse of power.
 Reflecting on Friendships
After reading the section on different types of friendships, could you think of examples from your own life that fit within the
three categories?
1. Take a moment to name a reciprocal friend. How long have you known this person? What is special about this relationship?
2. Can you discuss an associative friend? Where did you meet? Do you ever hang out or talk outside of the place where you
have a common interest?
3. Is there anyone in your life with whom you have a large power differential, but you would still consider this person your
friend? Discuss this receptive friendship and whether you have ever been in a situation where someone with power abused
their position within your relationship.
4. When you think of these different types of friendships, what norms come to mind? What communication tactics work best
to sustain them? Would you call them voluntary, or involuntary? Social, or personal?
5. Are friendships free from structure and rules? If not, what rules or norms have you set with your friends?
No matter the circumstance, friendships are a valuable part of our lives. Friendships are often safe spaces for us to be ourselves, to
practice having healthy boundaries and experiment with other parts of our personalities. Another type of relationship that can also
feel both fulfilling and challenging is a romantic partnership. Let’s examine some nuances and dynamics that may be in place when
someone becomes more than a friend.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships, like families and friendships, come in different combinations, shapes, and sizes. They may involve two
people, or more for polyamorous relationships (which involve multiple partners). Romantic partners spend time in various ways,
depending on the people involved. Often, romantic partners share deep conversations, affection and sexual intimacy, mutual
interests, tenderness, and caring. In romantic relationships, there are many different arrangements.
Two people who engage in an interpersonal (or two-person) romantic relationship may identify as any gender or sexuality. For
example, one individual in a romantic relationship may identify as gender-fluid (gender identity may change over time and in
different situations) and pansexual (attraction to people regardless of their gender or sexual identity), while another may identify as
nonbinary and queer. Each of us determines our own gender identity and sexuality. Our sexual identity indicates who we are
romantically and sexually drawn to. Discovering your own sexuality is often considered a journey, and you may experience many
different types of romantic relationships along that journey.
Figure 10.3.4 : LGBT Pride Parade San Francisco 2009 by davidyuweb licensed as CC BY 2.0
Every romantic relationship has its own unique communication style based on the people involved. There is no one size fits all
relationship. However, there are some common stages experienced in romantic partnerships. Later in this chapter, you will learn
about some of the ways in which communication looks differently as romantic partnerships evolve. You will also learn more about
communication red flags that might indicate the relationship is no longer serving a healthy purpose in your life.
Before we discuss those various components, let’s unpack one last type of relationship that can have a deep impact on your life:
relationships at work. Interestingly, these types of relationships are often underestimated or taken for granted, even though as adults
we often spend the majority of our time at work.
Workplace Relationships
Relationships at work are very unique and nuanced. Perhaps you have friends or formed a love interest at the place you are
employed or where you serve as a volunteer or intern. All these circumstances impact your interactions differently, but keep in
mind that at work we are communicating first and foremost from our professional identity. We will cover more information on
relationships at work in Chapter 12.
Figure 10.3.5 : WOCintech Stock-33 by Mike Ngo licensed as CC BY 2.0

As you can see, between the four main types of relationships (family, friends, romantic partners, and at work) some overlap exists,
as well as key differences. But don’t forget, in these relationships you are the common denominator. With your new deeper
understanding of interpersonal communication, you have the ability to shape these relationships to increase the fulfillment for
everyone involved. You may also start to notice positive differences and perhaps some disappointments. Remember to practice
clear, authentic, and kind verbal and nonverbal messaging, and effective listening. Perhaps most importantly, aim to be empathetic,
in all contexts!
This page titled 10.3: Common Relationship Types is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric
Process and Stages Common to Relationships
We have many relationships throughout our lives, and every one of those relationships starts somewhere. The relationship begins
and develops, and then sooner or later, it eventually ends. Take into consideration one of your closest friends. Do you remember
when you first met them or how your relationship even started? Think even further as to how you two became closer?
Mark Knapp and Anita Vangelisti (2009) looked at how relationships come together, how they are maintained, and how they come
apart. They divided relationships into 10 stages, to help us better identify and understand how interpersonal relationships form and
dissolve. In this section, we will discuss each of the stages in greater detail. Although the model shown in Table 10.4.1 lists the
stages in a specific order, they are not always experienced in such a linear way.
Moreover, relationships are dynamic and constantly changing. Therefore, we may not experience all of the stages. Alternately, we
may experience the stages multiple times, or more than one stage may occur at any given time. In short, this model is a starting
point. As you read through the various stages, ask yourself what stages you experienced in a recent relationship. Which did you
skip? You might consider how culture and identity may influence the relationship stages.
Table 10.4.1 : Knapp's Model of Relationship Stages
Process Stage
Initiating
Experimenting
Coming together Intensifying
Integrating
Bonding
Differentiating
Circumscribing
Coming apart Stagnating
Avoiding
Terminating
Coming Together
Knapp and Vangelisti's (2009) model separates relationship stages into two distinct phases: coming together and coming apart. We
will start by going through the first five stages, grouped under the coming together phase in the model: initiating, experimenting,
intensifying, integrating, and bonding.
Initiating
When we first encounter a new person, we decide if we want to put in the energy and effort to make contact or start a conversation.
This first contact happens in the initiating stage. There are different ways to initiate. Someone may approach you in a store to say
“hello, what’s up?” In a different initiation example, a person could smile at you. At the initiation stage, we are primarily interested
in making contact with the other person.
Experimenting
After the initiation stage, we move forward to the experimenting stage. At this stage, you are figuring out if you want to continue
the relationship and want to get to know the other person. This is where you begin to start to peel back the layers of the onion to
learn more about the person on a deeper, more personal level.
Let’s say two people meet on the first day of work. On the second day, during lunch, they talk about their favorite movies and
notice they share some interests. In the experimenting stage, interactions tend to be casual. We ask reciprocal questions to look for
common ground or similarities, to further build the relationship. Just like the name of the stage, we are experimenting and trying to
figure out if we should move towards the next stage.
Intensifying
If after the experimenting stage, we decide to continue the relationship, we typically move to the intensifying stage. During this
stage, we share more intimate and personal information about ourselves with the other person. For example, the co-workers who
previously discussed common interests may dive deeper to talk about their childhoods, long-term goals, dreams, fears, and desires.
Conversations at the intensifying stage become more serious, and the interactions are more meaningful and deep, as the layers of
the onion peel away.
Integrating
The integrating stage is where two people truly become a couple and are viewed as a unit. In this stage, they let others know they
are dating exclusively. Once a couple enters the integrating stage, friends are more likely to invite both people over for any dinners
or events, rather than one or the other.
Bonding
The final stage of the coming together phase is called bonding, where people reveal their relationship to the world. This could be
as simple as an Instagram or TikTok post declaring the relationship officially or sending a holiday card together. The bonding stage
may include a formal engagement announcement and/or a wedding ceremony. In every case, the couple makes a public
announcement of their relationship, to let others know their relationship is real and meaningful.
Coming Apart
The second distinct phase in Knapp and Vangelisti's (2009) model is called coming apart. This phase details the stages that occur
as a relationship becomes increasingly distant. In terms of communication, there may be increased conflict or decreased use of
positive words in the couple's relationship. The five relationship stages in the coming apart phase include differentiating,
circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.
Figure 10.4.1 : Disagreeing by Jim George licensed as CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Differentiating
Differentiating is a process of disengaging or uncoupling. In other words, differentiating is the opposite of integrating. This is
where we use communication to purposely divide the relationship or bond. Part of this may involve reclaiming or splitting up
friendships that were once mutual. For example, Mark may say to Tarek, “My friends and I are going out for beers tonight, and we
would like to have privacy for the evening once we come back to the apartment.”
Circumscribing
To circumscribe means to limit something (Cambridge Dictionary Online, 2021). When people circumscribe in a relationship,
communication decreases and certain areas or subjects become restricted as individuals verbally close themselves off from each
other. This could be in the form of silence or passive-aggressive behavior. For example, Tarek used to walk with Mark to work each
morning, but lately Mark has been leaving the apartment without him.
Stagnating
When a relationship has stagnated, it feels like it is not moving forward any longer or has come to a halt. In some cases, verbal
communication slows or may be avoided and the relationship feels strained. For example, Mark and Tarek now have limited
communication around the apartment, and barely talk at work anymore.
Avoiding
In the avoidance stage, people stay out of each other’s physical space. For example, you may decide not to go to a specific social
gathering when you know that other person will be there. However, when actual physical avoidance cannot take place, people will
simply avoid each other while they’re together and treat the other as if they don’t exist. When avoiding, the individuals in the
relationship become separate from one another physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Terminating
There are many reasons why a relationship may terminate. Termination can result from outside circumstances, such as geographic
separation or internal factors, such as changing values or personalities that lead to a weakening of the bond. Termination may occur
through the exchange of verbal or nonverbal messages. One example of nonverbal termination is called ghosting, where one person
disappears unexpectedly and never communicates with the other again. In this final stage, Mark and Tarek both move out of the
apartment and into separate homes. They stop making plans to see each other. Of course, if one person dies, the relationship, by
default, also terminates.
Attributions
Foundations of Relationships by Victoria Leonard on Libretexts licensed as CC-BY 3.0.
This page titled 10.4: Relationship Stages is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric Weidner, Hilary
Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Initiating and Forming Romantic Relationships
Figure Figure 10.5.1 : GenderSpectrum-Day1-0344 by Zackary Ducker licensed CC-BY-NC-ND 4.0

Think about the last time that you were messaging someone on a dating site like Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, or Grindr, or perhaps
the last time you were talking with a new person you met in a class, or even at an event, or maybe work? When we engage with
other people and share information about ourselves, we are self-disclosing. Self-disclosure is the process of voluntarily revealing
information about yourself to another person, not already known by them.
 Getting Plugged In
Figure 10.5.2:
Heart Love Keyboard Enter Button
by
Athree23
on
Pixabay
Self-Disclosure, Social Media, Identity, and Online Dating

Social platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Twitter, are undoubtedly prevalent in the world of online social
networking. Many users self-disclose personal information on these sites, ranging from moods to religious affiliation,
relationship status, style, food, travel, and personal contact information. Social platforms offer convenient opportunities to stay
in touch with friends, family, classmates, and coworkers. We also have apps designed for dating, and meeting potential
romantic or sexual partners. Dating services and apps like Grindr, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Scruff, Christian Mingle, Black
People Meet, Plenty of Fish, Match, EHarmony, OkCupid, and more were created to bring people together.
Social media and self-disclosure create a dialectic tension between openness and closedness of one's self. What do you share
about yourself online and what don't you share? What aspects of your identity do you put on your profile and what aspects of
your identity do you hide or not place at the forefront? It's interesting and quite eye opening when we take a step back to look
at what we self-disclose about ourselves online.
What do you self-disclose online? What do you usually disclose in your biography or profile summary section of the dating
apps or services you're on?
Based on your online identity and profile, are you comfortable disclosing your age, religious affiliations, ability, sexuality,
and other aspects of your identity?
What aspects of your identity and culture do you freely disclose online? What aspects of your identity are you more likely
to protect or delay disclosing?
Do you target certain apps based on your identity and culture?
Johari Window
The Johari window can help us examine self-disclosure in relationships. Displayed in Figure $\PageIndex{3$, the Johari window
examines what information we have about ourselves, as well as the information others know about us (an accessible text
description is linked in the figure caption). Based on the combination of our self-knowledge and others’ knowledge about us, there
are four types of selves: Open Self, Closed Self, Blind Self, and Unknown Self. Let’s examine each of these.
Figure $\PageIndex{3$: Johari Window by Hilary Altman adapted from Johari Window by Spaynton on Wikipedia Commons is
licensed under CC BY 4.0
A longer description of the Johari Window
Open Self
The Open Self represents the parts of ourselves we know well, and that we choose to share or self-disclose to others. This typically
includes items like our name, hobbies, likes, and dislikes. The amount of information that is openly known to others varies, based
on the relationship. Imagine you are on a first date. You have just met this person. What information about yourself are you willing
to share? As we get to know someone, we tend to self-disclose more information. As we self-disclose more information, the size of
our Open Self increases. Each person gets to choose the size of their Open Self, and this can be different in distinct relationships.
When I was in college, I shared mostly surface information with most of my classmates, keeping the size of my Open Self
small. As a work-study student, I cleaned dishes at one of the campus dining halls to help pay my tuition. I became very
close with another work-study student in dining, as we felt more comfortable sharing about the challenges of balancing work
and school, as well as dealing with financial aid and student loans. When I self-disclosed more personal information to my
work-study friend, my Open Self became larger.
Closed Self
The Closed Self (also sometimes called the Private Self) represents the parts of ourselves we know well, but that we choose to
keep secret or not tell others. With someone we know well and trust, we tend to have a larger Open Self and a smaller Closed Self.
Let’s say Jean has known her girlfriend Kennedy for three years. They get along well, have high trust in their relationship, and also
live together. In this situation, Jean is likely to self-disclose more freely with Kennedy, and due to this, her Closed Self would be
smaller. However, Jean shares only surface information with her colleagues at work. In her work relationships, Jean's Closed Self
or Private Self is much larger.
We keep information about ourselves from others in order to protect ourselves. For example, when Jean gets a phone call from
Tom, someone trying to sell her a magazine subscription, she would be hesitant to provide information about herself other than her
name. When Tom asks Jean to talk about how many magazines she subscribes to, she may or may not provide this information. If
she chooses not to self-disclose, Jean keeps this part of herself within the Closed Self. The size of the Open Self is directly
proportional to the size of the Closed Self. In other words, people with a large Open Self have a small Closed Self or Private Self.
Individuals with a large Private Self or Closed Self have a small Open Self.
Blind Self
The Blind Self may be the most interesting quadrant on the Johari window. The Blind Self represents the parts of ourselves that
other people know well, yet we are unaware of this information about ourselves. How can this happen? Imagine that Antony has a
check-in meeting with his supervisor. In this meeting, Elena (Antony’s supervisor) praises him for his work ethic. Antony says
“Thank you, I value your opinion.” In the next sentence, however, Elena states, “that is why I need to talk with you about lowering
your voice in the office. It has come to my attention that when you speak on the phone at your desk, everyone else in the office can
hear everything you say. It has become an issue for other employees, who also need to make phone calls and perform in a relatively
quiet environment.” Antony is shocked. No one in the office, up until this point, has said anything to him about his loud voice, yet
it seems many people know this about him. In this example, Antony’s loud voice had been part of his Blind Self until his supervisor
brought it up. He was unaware that his voice is so loud that it disrupts other people’s work in his office space.
As in the example with Antony, information may be part of our Blind Selves when others are reluctant to share this information
with us. Perhaps others are afraid to share this information because they do not want to damage the relationship or they believe they
will hurt the other person’s feelings. Information may also be part of the Blind Self due to a person’s ineffective listening skills or
low self-monitoring. Perhaps other people have asked Antony to lower his voice or used nonverbal communication to indicate to
him that he should quiet down. For some reason, Antony never got the message until today. Once Antony finds out this piece of
information about himself, it is no longer part of his Blind Self. Now it is part of his Open Self, since the information is known
both by others and himself.
Unknown Self
The Unknown Self represents the parts of our selves that no one knows. It is difficult to think about what the Unknown Self may
include, since neither we nor others are aware of this information. Sometimes this information is buried deep in our subconscious,
due to trauma or because there was an event that happened when we were young, and we cannot remember. For example, when JD
was less than 2 years old, his family was awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. JD’s parents grabbed them from bed,
rushed them out of the house, and had to stand outside in below freezing temperatures until the fire department could put a small
fire out in the garage. Although JD has no memory of this incident, any time they hear a fire or car alarm or smell smoke, their
heart races, their blood pressure increases, and they get very emotionally upset. Without a memory of this event, JD cannot explain
this strong reaction to alarms or the smell of smoke. That part of themselves would be considered the Unknown Self.
Uncertainty Reduction Theory

The second theory we will discuss as we explore self-disclosure is the uncertainty reduction theory (URT). URT helps us to
understand why we initiate communication with people, as well as why we continue to build and maintain relationships with them.
Uncertainty reduction theory states that we pursue knowledge about others in order to reduce or resolve anxiety associated with the
unknown. According to URT, humans use three basic strategies: passive, active, and interactive, to reduce uncertainty and
increase predictability and the feeling of safety when interacting with others. Let’s start with an example: Keisha saw a photo of
Lidia on a dating app, and she is interested in her. Let’s look at how the three strategies of URT might help Keisha to feel safe
moving forward with getting to know this potential romantic partner.
Passive, Active, and Interactive Strategies
The passive strategy refers to observing someone from afar, sort of like being a fly on the wall. In this case, Keisha did a Google
search on Lidia before moving forward with requesting a date. The Google search revealed that Lidia worked at a local nonprofit
organization. This information encouraged Keisha to move forward with the active strategy.
The active strategy involves getting information about the person from another source, generally a friend, family member, or co-
worker. Keisha has a friend who works at the same nonprofit as Lidia, so was able to ask this person questions about Lidia’s
interests and personality.
Finally, the interactive strategy focuses on a direct exchange of information with the other person. After using the passive and
active strategies to find out more information about Lidia, Keisha messaged Lidia directly and engaged in a conversation with
mutual self-disclosure. The interactive strategy allows for the most in-depth and direct exchange of information. Thus, Keisha used
all three strategies to gain information about Lidia. These three strategies help us not only to reduce uncertainty about others but
also to more accurately predict future behavior.
Now that we have explored many of the theories associated with the formation of love relationships, we will discuss strategies for
maintaining romantic relationships.
Attributions
Social Penetration Theory by Kerry Osborne on Libretexts licensed as CC BY 4.0.
Foundations of Relationships by Victoria Leonard on Libretexts licensed as CC-BY 3.0.
Self-disclosure and Interpersonal Communication by Anonymous on Libretexts licensed as CC-BY 3.0.
This page titled 10.5: The Role of Self-Disclosure is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric
Interpersonal Communication in Romantic Relationships
Figure 10.6.1 : Prepping Dinner by Michael Poley on Unsplash

Although there are many types of relationships, including polyamorous, this book is about interpersonal communication. Therefore,
we will focus on couples' communication within two-person love relationships. This section discusses research-based models of
effective couples’ communication. To that end, we will start by examining two well-known couples therapy models: The
Gottman method and emotionally focused therapy (EFT). Each of these evidence-based models has shown both short- and long-
term effectiveness in improving love relationships, with over 30 years of practice and research. Both the Gottman method and EFT
emphasize how improvements in couple communication are essential to marital satisfaction.
Every therapy (individual, couple, or family) starts with either a cognitive, emotional, or behavioral approach. No matter whether
therapy begins with behavior, feelings, or thoughts, changes in one of these internal systems inevitably lead to changes in the other
two. In order to create real change, whether in a person’s thought process, actions, or emotions, there must be a change to their core
beliefs. At the end of the day the goal is to positively change all three of these areas. However, different therapies start at different
places. Cognitive behavioral therapy begins with cognition, while emotionally focused therapy starts with emotions. The
Gottman method is unique, in that couples are asked to begin by changing their behaviors (how they communicate with each other).
Gottman Method
A huge strength of the Gottman method of couples therapy lies in the amount of research, careful statistical analysis, and
improvements made to the method over the years. One of the most interesting factors in the Gottman method is the reliance on the
coding and analysis of couples’ facial expressions during the conflict. Using coding tools, Gottman developed a process to
determine participants’ emotions during conflict (based on their facial expressions), and he has since become somewhat of a
phenomenon in determining whether a couple will stay together or break up with a very high degree (93.6% accuracy) of success
(Buehlman, 1992). By exploring the major assumptions of the Gottman method, as well as basic tools and strategies to improve
couples’ communication, we can learn a lot from his findings.
As stated previously, Gottman uses the information he gathers to predict whether couples will divorce, stay together, and have high
or low satisfaction in their relationships. Through years of research, Gottman (1999) has narrowed down the predictors of
divorce/breakup to six categories: harsh startup, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and flooding.
A harsh startup occurs when a conversation begins with unpleasant words or a critical or sarcastic tone. For example: “What the
hell are you doing home so early?” This typically starts a chain of events that eventually leads to a less than satisfactory ending.
In Chapter 9 you learned about what Gottman refers to as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” (criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and stonewalling). Briefly, criticism involves putting the other person down, while contempt sends a message of
condescension and disrespect. This can be done with words or facial expressions. Imagine your romantic partner raising their voice
to you and saying sarcastically, “This is how you clean the kitchen?” The criticism is about your lack of cleaning skills and the
contempt is the raised voice and sarcasm.
Defensiveness refers to when one person puts up a psychological wall to guard against any accusation that they have done
something wrong. Additionally, in this context, people often become defensive in response to criticism, then take turns criticizing
their partner. For example, if Jay’s partner says: “I thought you were going to clean the kitchen—you are a slob,” Jay might get
defensive and say: “Well, if you earned more money, we could hire someone to clean the kitchen.” Notice how Jay does not take
responsibility for not cleaning the kitchen, while at the same time turning the criticism around on their partner.
Stonewalling is when we ignore the other person. For example, have you ever tried calling someone’s name over and over again,
but they are too ingrained in their book to acknowledge you? Whether intentional or not, stonewalling can cause the ignored person
to feel frustrated and angry. When this happens, they may lash out with verbal accusations and mean-spirited language. Hearing
this type of anger and lack of love from a romantic partner can result in flooding. Flooding is a temporary state of physiological
arousal that does not allow the person experiencing it to listen or participate meaningfully in a conversation. People who experience
flooding typically have a heart rate above 100 beats per minute and may appear to others to be checked out or in another place.
Gottman summarized these predictors of divorce, along with the communication behavioral strategies he suggests to increase
couple satisfaction, in the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999; republished in 2015). Without going into
details of each strategy for success, here are the basic communication strategies that Gottman’s method recommends for couples:
1. Make time to talk and connect, in order to maintain emotional closeness.
2. Express positive admiration and affection for each other. Gottman states that this is the cure for contempt and suggests a 5 to 1
ratio of positive, as opposed to negative comments about your partner.
3. Listen with your whole body for times when your partner wants to share time, space, conversation, or activities with you, and
respond in positive ways.
4. Learn how to use and receive repair attempts (verbal or nonverbal methods to increase positive feelings) while in the midst of a
conflict. Examples include making your partner laugh or smile in the middle of an argument by giving them a hug, telling a
joke, or simply taking a pause from a heated discussion to remind the other person that you love them.
5. When managing conflict with your partner, treat them like your best friend.
6. Establish and maintain a safe space for each partner to be transparent and reveal challenges, doubts, and other difficult
information.
7. Discuss and create ways to express the shared meaning of your relationship. Here, the key is going beyond the business of being
a couple (for example, who takes out the garbage or changes the diapers) to a higher purpose (for example, how we honor our
ancestors or strive to improve the environment).
The goals of the Gottman method are to increase connectedness, safety, and trust within the relationship. Gottman literally calls this
the “sound relationship house,” which is a beautiful way to state that a good relationship is a welcoming place to call home. The
walls of the house are represented by trust and commitment, meaning that these are necessities for any relationship to flourish. In
the over 40 years that Gottman has researched and improved his model, he has found that starting with behavioral practices and
helping couples improve their everyday communication skills leads couples to think more positively about each other (improved
cognitions) and to feel more in love and connected (more positive emotions).
Figure 10.6.2 : Love Lights by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
Emotionally Focused Therapy
As opposed to the behavioral approach taken by the Gottman method, emotionally focused therapy (EFT) starts by supporting the
couple to create a safe space where they can express vulnerable emotions. Repairing the bond between the couple is central to EFT.
In therapy sessions, the counselor focuses on helping partners listen to and process each other’s emotions.
Sue Johnson, who developed EFT, states that “emotions are the music of the dance between lovers,” (Johnson, 2014). Therefore,
the basic principles of EFT according to Johnson are to “create a more secure emotional bond,” help couples get out of repetitive
negative patterns of interaction, and increase positive trust and security. Chapter 2 covered attachment theory and attachment styles
in great detail. EFT assumes partners who have insecure attachment bonds from their childhood take the pain and emotional hurt
into their adult lives and relationships. Therefore, therapy to heal the couple’s relationship must begin with allowing the individuals
to feel safe to express vulnerable emotions. The therapist’s job includes supporting the couple to maintain emotional safety while
helping them towards more positive interactions.
As part of her work on EFT, Johnson developed Hold Me Tight: Program, which guides couples to understanding and fully
accepting their attachment to their partners. To reach this goal, Johnson (2008) walks couples through what she calls “seven healing
conversations,” which are titled as follows:
1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues
2. Finding the Raw Spots
3. Revisiting a Rocky Moment
4. Engaging and Connecting
5. Forgiving Injuries
6. Bonding through Sex and Touch
7. Keeping Love Alive
In engaging couples in purposeful interpersonal communication, while supporting them to improve listening, she helps them to
empathize with each other. This process strengthens couples’ connections, creating greater trust. The improved bonds the couples
share allow them to help each other heal past attachment wounds. Both the Gottman method and emotionally focused therapy
include sexual communication as an important part of a couple’s communication. Let’s talk about sexual communication, then
touch on jealousy and love languages.
Sexual Communication
Defined as a combination of interpersonal disclosure, quality, and frequency of communication around and about sex (Metts &
Cumpach, 1989), sexual communication is not often discussed in the Interpersonal Communication classroom. Sexual
communication is unique and different from other types of intimate communication, as many couples find it difficult to express
themselves for fear of threatening the relationship. We know that sexual communication is highly correlated with relational and
marital satisfaction (Montesi, et al., 2011). Every couple—and for that matter, every person—is different in terms of the frequency
and types of sexual interactions they desire. The common thread, however, is that the quality of sexual communication, both verbal
and nonverbal, has a strong effect on overall happiness.
Figure 10.6.3 : Wrist Hold by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Some of our understanding of sexual communication may feel like common sense, but we also know from both Gottman and
Johnson’s research that trust, connectedness, and security are important themes for marital success. Sexual communication affects a
couple’s ability to feel safe, express vulnerability, and experience joy with each other. Furthermore, emotional intimacy and sexual
communication are closely related. Interestingly, there is a predictable trend in couple satisfaction with sexual communication. We
know that in long-term committed relationships, the peak of satisfaction with sexual communication occurs as the couple
establishes their commitment to each other (Wheeless et al., 1984). We also know that couple’s desires for sexual interaction
change over time. Effective sexual communication is key to couple satisfaction during these times of transition.
Unfortunately, there is limited research into sexual communication for couples in the LGBTQIA+ community. Education that may
occur in high schools or colleges likely assumes a heteronormative society and lacks representation from LGBTQIA+ participants
and instructors. There is a gap in published research and academic literature regarding the sexual health of couples where at least
one identifies as a sexual minority (Greene et al, 2015). If information about sexual communication is hard to find for heterosexual
couples, it is many times more difficult for those who identify as LGBTQIA+. A search of reliably pro-LGBTQIA+ organizations,
such as the Trevor Project and the GSA Network reveal a lack of networks, information, or education on sexual communication as
well. This is an area that desperately deserves attention moving forward.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a complex emotion, generally triggered by the fear of losing a valued relationship with someone, due to a change in
circumstances or due to another person. People express jealousy in a variety of ways; it is not surprising to see expressions of
anger, sadness, withdrawal, or clinging behavior when jealousy occurs. We also seem to carry shame around the emotion of
jealousy. Although it is a natural and normal feeling, we know it is not attractive or desirable to be jealous, so we tend to have
difficulty expressing ourselves clearly when that feeling comes on. Instead, we try to find other strategies to “win back” our
coveted relationship, or in some cases, to hurt the new person we are jealous of.
As you might imagine, jealousy can lead someone to behave in ways that are unhelpful, hurtful, and in some cases frightening to
others. Expressing our jealousy honestly, both to ourselves and to those we care about, is the healthiest way to move forward with
this strong emotion. For example, saying to a romantic partner: “I love and care about you. You have been spending a lot of time
working late and then hanging out with co-workers. I admit I am jealous they get to see you more than I do.” This allows your
partner to hear your positive feelings, as well as your emotional openness. At the least, this opens up the possibility for a
conversation about your relationship.
Love Languages
How we express and receive love and care from others varies from person to person. In 1992, Gary Chapman published his
book The Five Love Languages, which posits that humans have five major ways or categories for giving and receiving love.
1. Words of Affirmation include saying or hearing the words “I love you.”
2. Quality Time involves spending time with another person doing what they love.
3. Gifts include providing the other person with candy, flowers, jewelry, or other items that make them feel special.
4. Acts of Service are when you support the other person by taking responsibility off of their plate (for example, cleaning the
kitchen or washing the car).
5. Physical Touch involves holding hands, hugging, and other acts of physical affection.
Figure 10.6.4 : LGBT Love by Nehemiah Brent is licensed as CC-0 1.0

Since individuals have different preferences and ways of receiving expressions of love, it is helpful to have a conversation with
others you care about, if you want to demonstrate your love for them in a way they will truly appreciate. For example, on a date
night, you could say to your romantic partner, “I want you to feel loved and cared for. Of these five love languages, which one or
two most appeals to you?” Of course, it is also helpful to clarify your preferred love language(s) for the people in your life who
care about you.
If we do not check in with our loved ones regarding our preferred love languages, we can miscommunicate, which could lead to
negative feelings in the relationship. For example, let’s say your best friend’s preferred love language is quality time. This friend
simply wants to hang out and talk. Not understanding your friend’s preference for quality time, you may have provided the friend
with a gift to show your appreciation in the past. Perhaps your friend seemed confused or unappreciative of the gift, and this led to
hurt feelings. Simply having a conversation about love languages could clear up this confusion.
 Advocacy as a Love Language?
Figure 10.6.5 : Black Lives Matter by D. Idowu Olutosin licensed as CC0 1.0
In a New York Times article, Brianna Holt (2020) explored the importance of advocacy as a love language for interracial
couples. According to the Pew Research Center (Livingston & Brown, 2018), one in six newlywed couples considers
themselves interethnic or interracial. Support, listening, and the ability to hear the other person’s perspective are important
components in a successful committed partnership no matter what, but especially when there are ethnic or cultural differences.
Where does advocacy fit into the partnership and, is it a love language, as Holt suggests?
Questions for Discussion:
1. If one person experiences bias or discrimination due to their race or ethnic background, how can their partner demonstrate
advocacy?
2. How important is it for couples from different ethnic and/or racial backgrounds to openly discuss their culture?
3. What are the best ways for couples with different cultural practices to negotiate holiday celebrations, family get-togethers,
and even what food to prepare for specific occasions?
This page titled 10.6: Couple Communication is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric Weidner,
Hilary Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Healthy Conflict versus Abuse and Domestic Violence
Although most of us do our best to have healthy and supportive relationships, there are unfortunately relationships that turn
abusive, and sometimes violent. According to a CDC publication that included the results of the National Intimate Partner and
Sexual Violence Survey (Chen, et al., 2018), about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience intimate partner violence. Therefore,
it is important to recognize the cycle of abuse and violence, both for our own safety in relationships, and to support our friends and
loved ones. Let’s take a closer look at the cycle of abuse, as displayed in Figure 10.7.1 (an accessible text version is linked in the
figure caption).
Figure 10.7.1 : The Four Phases of the Cycle of Abuse by Avanduyn on Wikipedia is in the Public Domain.
A longer description of the Cycle of Abuse
Cycle of Abuse
Phase 1: Tension Building
Phase 1, the tension building phase, sets the stage for the abuser’s anger and control over the victim. Any stressful event, whether
geopolitical like war or hunger, or personal like getting fired from a job, can increase tension in the abuser. The victim will notice
an increase in controlling behaviors, such as keeping the victim close, stalking, or attempts to isolate the victim from friends and
family.
Phase 2: The Incident
Phase 2 is the abuse itself, otherwise known as the incident. This is where the violence occurs. Sometimes the violence does not
result in the victim getting physically harmed, especially at first. The abuser may destroy property, throw items towards the victim,
punch a wall or mirror near the victim’s body, or threaten to hurt the victim or a beloved family member or pet. Violence can be
physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal name-calling or threats.
Phase 3: Reconciliation
Phase 3, reconciliation, generally involves apologies from the abuser, who may genuinely feel remorse for the behavior they
exhibited. The abuser may even cry and berate themselves for their behavior and will likely state that it will never happen again.
During this stage abusers typically tell their victims that they cannot live without them and may even threaten to kill themselves if
the victim leaves. They may also offer gifts and seem incredibly gentle and kind, in the phase after the incident. Not surprisingly,
Stage 3 is also known as the honeymoon phase, as it is the least likely time for violence to reoccur.
Phase 4: Calm
During the final stage, Phase 4, or calm, the abuser starts to back away from taking responsibility for the violence. Abusers may
blame the victim or external circumstances for their actions. For example “I was just so stressed about losing my job. That’s why I
broke the window.” They may also downplay the violence in this phase. For example, “So I broke a window. No big deal.” This
phase sets the stage for the full cycle to repeat, which means tension building and controlling behavior will return next. Over time,
the calm period can become shorter or disappear altogether.
Whether or not you, or someone you know, experience all four phases of the cycle of abuse in a relationship, it is essential to
recognize that patterns of control and violence in a romantic partner are dangerous and tend to escalate over time. If children are
present in the home, they may or may not be victims of the violence, but overhearing and witnessing violence against a caretaker
leads to long-term trauma, and in some cases guilt. There are many ways to reach out for help if you or someone you know
experiences intimate partner violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has 24-hour phone (1-800-799-SAFE), text
(88788), and chat lines, with information for victims as well as those who want to support others.
Relationship Endings
No matter the reason, some relationships just don’t last. In this next section, we will address some ways relationships break apart,
as well as how to cope with a relationship ending.
Ghosting
When relationships start to come apart, it is difficult to find the words to express how we feel. Some people are so averse or
uncomfortable discussing the end of relationships, that they skip this step altogether. Ghosting is a term used to describe when one
relational partner suddenly stops communicating with the other, signaling the end of the relationship. Ghosting is obviously easier
to do when two people do not physically run into each other on a regular basis. In relationships that are fully online or via phone or
text, ghosting another person is relatively easy.
Getting ghosted by someone else can leave the remaining person feeling confused and emotionally upset. Due to the nature of
ghosting, the person who has been ghosted may not know whether the relationship has ended when communication initially stops.
Without the ability to talk things through, regarding the dissolution of a relationship, the ghosted individual does not have a sense
of closure. Ghosting is relatively common in romantic relationships in the United States. Most surveys show between 13% and
25% of people in dating relationships experience ghosting, either as the purveyor or the receiver.
Breaking Up/Divorce
Not every relationship will be happy, healthy, and long. Sometimes, relationships end for good reasons: for example, friends who
grow apart or romantic partners who realize they are not right for each other. In other cases, these relationships initially seem to be
going well, but one partner or friend is unhappy or unsatisfied. In this section, we will briefly address relationship dissolution.
In the United States during the COVID-19 pandemic and recent heightened political and social unrest, it has become more common
for people to “unfriend,” dismiss, or disown former friends or family members with whom they disagree. Regardless of the reasons,
it can be painful and lonely to lose a friend, family member, or romantic partner. Since many people name their significant other as
their best friend or a close friend, a breakup or divorce is an especially difficult transition. When the relationship ends, an
individual may feel depressed and lost, as normal routines get thrown off and other couples may not invite single people to gather
with them for social get-togethers. These feelings can be especially strong with divorce, which may also lead to a sense of failure.
With any relational breakup, It is helpful to communicate openly with the other person, in a kind and respectful manner. This helps
in several ways, including supporting a healthy transition when children are involved and keeping good feelings about each other
intact, so that future communication is possible and positive memories remain. Other reasons to communicate respectfully with a
former partner include interacting with mutual friends, family, sharing custody of kids, and working through legal matters.
Healthy versus Unhealthy Coming Apart

If you have experienced a breakup, either from the perspective of a relationship partner or as a child of parents who divorced, you
likely have a very personalized story about what happened and why. Even in the most well-meaning breakups, emotions run high.
After marriage, when couples share children or property, breaking up gets more complicated. It can seem inevitable for couples to
fight and say hurtful things to each other in the process of divorcing. Children are traumatized when they hear their parents
attacking each other verbally and arguing over who will “get them” in the divorce. If couples are able to communicate without
attacking each other, to work through a viable plan that works for both people (and the children), this is the healthiest approach.
Given the emotional upheaval and stressors that come with breaking up, it can be helpful to have someone mediate divorce
conversations and agreements. Professional mediators, lawyers, and even therapists can work with couples and families to help
them come to agreed-upon solutions for how to move forward. Children do better when they are not exposed to high conflict,
which in some cases favors parents separating physically.
Grieving/Healing from Relationship Dissolution
Grief is a normal emotional state after a divorce or breakup. In many cases, romantic partners are also good friends, spend time
sharing hobbies and meals, and enjoy visits to extended family. When these relationships end, the members of the former couple
may experience a loss of happiness, friendship, shared experiences, and extended family. The additional stress of selling a home
and/or moving, working through co-parenting, and renegotiating financial issues. Furthermore, there is a great deal of stress that
comes with a breakup/divorce where the couple shares children, property, or pets. Research by Leopold and Kalmijn (2016) found
that divorced parents with children suffer both a more intense decline in well-being, as well as more difficulty bouncing back to
their pre-divorce levels of well-being when compared with divorced parents without children.
As with any form of grief or depression, people who experience sadness due to a breakup or divorce may benefit from therapy,
socializing with others who care about them, and other forms of self-care. It is normal to grieve a relationship. At the same time, it
is important to take care of physical, emotional, and mental health, to create a path toward healing.
When an individual dies and leaves a living partner behind, the grieving process may be more complicated. Complicated grief is a
particularly debilitating phase of life that occurs for some survivors who lose a beloved partner. There is no "normal" limit for the
grieving period, however if someone is unable to function after a year or more of grieving, it is recommended that they seek
support through a mental health expert. Therapists regularly run grief groups, which are safe spaces for surviving partners to
discuss the pain of their loss, and take steps together towards moving forward with their lives.
10.7: Cycle of Abuse and Coming Apart is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Summary
Relationships are complex, and getting what you want out of them can be tricky. In this chapter, we have discussed how
interpersonal communication contributes to coming together, maintaining relationships, and coming apart. No matter what type of
relationship we are dealing with, interpersonal communication is the critical tool that allows us to navigate all the ups, downs, and
in-betweens in our families, friendships, work relationships, and romantic partnerships.
As you read in this chapter, one of the most important strategies for building relationships is self-disclosure. Knowing how to
follow the unwritten rules of early relationship development, without over or under self-disclosing, helps us build trust with a new
relationship, whether platonic, work-related, or romantic. Long-term relationships benefit from healthy, positive communication.
As described both in Gottman’s work and emotionally focused therapy, the way that we communicate with our romantic partners
determines relational satisfaction, and ultimately the fate of the relationship.
Remember Yasmeen from our introduction? We left her at the Thanksgiving table, with the decision of how to proceed when asked
to say a prayer in a home that practices a different religion than her own. Yasmeen has many options. She could say a non-
denominational prayer or self-disclose that she does not know a prayer appropriate for Thanksgiving. She could ask for support and
have another person at the table start the prayer and she could add something of her own. She could also ask the family to say a
prayer for her partner, who is currently deployed with the armed forces. This is something everyone at the table can agree with.
What advice would you give to Yasmeen? In your own life, you will encounter many situations like this, especially as you are
meeting new people from diverse backgrounds. Also, as you build your lifelong relationships with friends and loved ones, we hope
that this chapter has provided some guidance, strategies, and tools to support healthy communication.
1. Considering a past relationship, did you experience all of Knapp and Vangelisti’s relationship stages? Did you skip some, or
stay in one stage longer than others?
2. When it comes to terminating relationships, do you believe relationships can end in a positive way? If so, what are effective and
positive ways to end a relationship?
3. As you reflect on the relationships covered in this chapter (family, friends, romantic partners, and work), which category do you
find the most challenging? Why? What communication tools from this chapter might help you to improve your satisfaction in
these relationships? How will you apply them?
This page titled 10.8: Summary and Review is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Eric Weidner,
Hilary Altman, Brielle Plump, & Brielle Plump (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
10.9: References
Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., & Katz, L. F. (1992). How a couple views their past predicts their future: Predicting divorce from
an oral history interview. Journal of Family Psychology, 5(3-4), 295-318.
Chapman, G. D. (1992). The Five Love Languages. Northfield Publishing.
Chen, J., Merrick, M. T., Smith, S. G., Kresnow, M.-jo, Wang, J., & Zhang, X. (2018). National intimate partner and sexual
violence survey: 2015 Data Brief Updated Report. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury
Prevention and Control, Division of Violence Prevention.
Fetters A. (2018, November 15). How friendsgiving took over millennial culture. The
Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/11/millennials-friendsgiving-history/575941/
Greene, G. J., Fisher, K. A., Kuper, L., Andrews, R., & Mustanski, B. (2015). Is this normal? Is this not normal? There's no set
example. Sexual health intervention preferences of LGBT youth in romantic relationships. Sexuality research & social policy:
Journal of NSRC, 12(1), 1-14.
Holt, B. (2020, July 2). For interracial couples, advocacy is a love language. New York
Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/02/fashion/weddings/for-interracial-couples-advocacy-is-a-love-language.html
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Johnson, S. (2014, February 14). What is emotionally focused therapy (or EFT)? [Video].
YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQCg-jC25fo
Knapp, M. L. & Vangelisti, A. L. (2009) Interpersonal communication and human relationships. Pearson.
Leopold, T., & Kalmijn, M. (2016). Is divorce more painful when couples have children? Evidence from long-term panel data on
multiple domains of well-being. Demography, 53(6), 1717-1742. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-016-0518-2
Livingston, G. & Brown, A. (2018). Intermarriage in the U.S. 50 Years after Loving v. Virginia. Pew Research Center.
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2017/05/18/intermarriage-in-the-u-s-50-years-after-loving-v-virginia/
Metts, S., & Cupach, W. R. (1989). The role of communication in human sexuality. In K. McKinney and S. Sprecher (Eds.),
Human sexuality: The societal and interpersonal context (pp. 139–161). Ablex.
Montesi, J., Fauber, R., Gordon, E., & Heimberg, R. (2011). The specific importance of communicating about sex to couples’
sexual and overall relationship satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 28, 591-609.
Moore, P. (2014, October 28). Poll Results: Ghosting. YouGovAmerica. https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-
reports/2014/10/28/poll-results-ghosting
Schutz, W.C. (1966). The interpersonal underworld. Science & Behavior Books.
Weston, K. (1991). Families we choose: Lesbians, gays, kinship. Columbia University Press.
Wheeless, L. R., Wheeless, V. E., & Baus, R. (1984). Sexual communication, communication satisfaction, and solidarity in the
developmental stages of intimate relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 48, 217-230.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
11: Dark Side of Communication

Explain the dark side of relationships.
Define the various types of secret tests.
Describe the phenomena of gaslighting and examine different forms of deception.
Describe types of verbal abuse.
Identify the dark side of social media and its relational impacts.
Develop interpersonally competent skills and strategies for responding to the dark side of communication.
In this chapter we deal with topics around deception, jealousy, social media, bullying, intimate partner violence, emotional abuse,
and secret tests. We will end with a review of the communication skills you have learned throughout this text to help you respond
effectively to the dark side. We want to acknowledge that some of the content may be difficult to process; your safety and well-
being is our primary concern. In this chapter we share resources to support your emotional and physical well-being.
11.7: References
This page titled 11: Dark Side of Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Hoppe-Nagao & Anu Khanna (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Overview of Negative Relational Communication
Like the dark side of the moon, the dark side of relationships can be found to co-exist in the same entity as the light side. We
need to explore and understand it not in itself but in its relation to everything else that has ever been learned about
relationships. (Duck, 1994, p. 20)
On any given day our communication may involve both positive and negative exchanges. In their landmark book The Dark Side of
Communication, Spitzberg and Cupach (1997) looked at parts of interpersonal communication that were often considered
undesirable and thus were not widely studied. In recent years, research on the dark side of communication has grown, largely due
to acknowledgment that not all aspects of interpersonal communication are positive, and due to changing social norms where
people are simply “meaner and nastier” to their relational partners than in the past (Kowalski, 2019, p. 6).
Figure 11.1.1 : Domestic Abuse: Asian woman with mouth open from Max Pixel is in the Public Domain.
The dark side of communication consists of two key dimensions: the degree to which something is considered acceptable by
society and the degree to which something serves to improve a relationship (Spitzberg & Cupach, 2007). The light and dark sides
of communication are tied to each other as acceptable behaviors can lead to negative outcomes and unacceptable behaviors can
lead to positive outcomes. Awareness of the negative side of relational communication is an essential step in preventing these
problems from occurring in the first place. In this chapter, we pull back the veil on the dark side of communication to reveal
deception, jealousy, social media, bullying, intimate partner violence, emotional abuse, secret tests, and other potentially harmful
aspects of relationships. We will close with a review of the communication skills you have learned throughout this text to help you
respond effectively to the dark side. We want to acknowledge that some of the content may be emotionally challenging and difficult
to process and that your safety and well-being is our primary concern. In this chapter we also share resources to support your
emotional and physical well-being.
Perception Is Key
Whether you believe a communication behavior falls on the light or the dark side, may in large part be determined by how you
perceive the situation, type of relationship, and the other person’s intentions to be. Numerous factors can determine whether
someone perceives a communication behavior to be aversive or not (Kowalski, 2019). Inspired by Kowalski’s 2019 book, Behaving
Badly: Aversive Behaviors in Interpersonal Relationships, we have created a set of questions to ask yourself to help understand if
communication in your relationships falls on the dark side:
Do certain people in your life leave you feeling like you doubt yourself and questioning your perceptions? Certain
communication behaviors from the dark side can negatively impact our self-concept and self-esteem.
Is there a power imbalance in the relationship? Relationships with power imbalances, such as between a boss and employee or
parent and child, are more likely to experience aspects of the dark side.
How close are you to the other person? The closer the relationship, the more likely we experience pain when faced with
communication from the dark side.
How frequent is the questionable communication behavior? A one-time transgression can be forgiven, but negative repeated
behaviors are more likely to fall into the dark side.
How severe is the communication behavior? Mild behavior may be accepted, but even a one-time severe occurrence can derail a
relationship.
Does the behavior interfere with your basic psychological needs, such as the need to belong, have a sense of control, and
experience self-esteem?
As you reflect on your answers to these questions, you may notice that there are a variety of communication behaviors that fall into
both the light and dark sides of communication. In the rest of this chapter we review some of the most common forms of
communication that cast a shadow on relationships, including deception, secret tests, jealousy, gaslighting, verbal aggression abuse,
and social media.
This page titled 11.1: Introduction to the Dark Side of Communication is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Angela Hoppe-Nagao & Anu Khanna (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Defining Deception
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you chose to tell a lie? Perhaps you were late to a meeting and blamed the traffic
when really you just didn’t get ready in time. Maybe you found yourself telling someone they looked nice in an outfit even though
you thought the outfit wasn’t suitable for them. Or perhaps you decide it is OK to disclose to a partner about your past
relationships, but you decide to leave out key details. In what contexts do you feel it is acceptable to tell someone something other
than the truth?
The first concept we will explore in the dark side of communication is the idea of deception. Whether or not you think it is OK to
deceive someone probably includes consideration of what is at stake to you in terms of the risk to your relationship. This will
determine whether or not you see any level of deception as acceptable to engage in for that particular relationship.
Figure 11.2.1 : Lying by Tswedensky from Pixabay

Interpersonal deception theory focuses on deception as an act, the process of detection, and our response to it (Buller & Burgoon,
2006). According to Buller and Burgoon, "deception occurs when communicators control the information contained in their
messages to convey a meaning that departs from the truth as they know it” (2006, p. 205). Therefore, deception can function to
strategically manipulate information while impacting the dynamic nature of one’s relationship.
What do you think this means in a relationship when a relational partner decides to deceive someone? This theory focuses on how
and why people engage in deception and try to get away with it and how the other person tries to figure out whether or not to
believe it. Recall a time when you lied and someone questioned whether you were telling the truth. How did you respond? Or
consider a time when you thought someone lied to you—how did you react and how did they respond back to you? Usually, when
someone tries to deceive us and we are trying to figure out what is going on, we monitor our responses to figure out what to do
next.
Whether or not a relationship can overcome deception really depends on that interplay between how someone responds when faced
with deception and how the deceiver responds back in order to repair the relationship. In this next section, we will overview the
types of deception.
Types of Deception
Let’s identify the different types of deception that might occur in a relationship: deception by omission (concealment) and
deception by commission (lying). These two types of deception differ according to the level of distortion that is involved and how
much potential impact there is on a relationship because of how this deception is perceived.
Deception by Omission
Concealment, or deception by omission, involves intentionally holding back some of the information another person has
requested, or you are expected to share. For example, a relational partner might ask why you didn’t respond to their text last night
and you could say you were busy, while leaving out who you were busy with. Do you think lies by omission are detrimental to a
relationship? What might happen if your relational partner finds out you have held back some information? Omitting information
can violate relational expectations and can have an impact on the trust and intimacy that was already built in the relationship. As
discussed in the chapter on building and maintaining interpersonal relationships, building trust is an important aspect of our
relationships and we engage in self-disclosure and communication behaviors that help to build such trust. If our relational partners
find out that we have violated their expectations of trust and undermined it through deception by omission, the trust in the
relationship will automatically decline. You will then have to spend some time determining how to repair such a relationship.
Deception by Commission
Simply put, this is lying. When we commit deception by commission, we deliberately communicate false information. This type
of deception goes beyond just a strategic withholding of information. When there is deception by commission, there is an
intentional level of control of both the quantity and quality of information the relational partner receives. This type of deception
includes:
Lies of convenience (commonly referred to as white lies): This is when information is presented as slightly false and there may
be minimal consequence to presenting the information as such. Oftentimes these white lies are communicated to enable one to
feel less guilty or to ensure that someone’s feelings are not hurt. When one of the authors of this chapter was pregnant, they
asked their husband if they looked OK in an outfit. Sometimes he said "yes." Once, when they were wearing an orange
maternity dress, he said "You look like a pumpkin" and the author immediately started to cry. Would it have been better for him,
in that case, to tell a white lie and just say “yes”? What purpose do white lies serve? They usually function as social lubrication
—for purposes of smoothing over a relationship and keeping a relationship friction-free.
Lies of exaggeration: An exaggeration is a type of deception by commission that includes the embellishing of facts or the
stretching of the truth (which can get more elaborate over time). When someone exaggerates or overstates by playing with the
boundaries of what is considered factual or truthful, this type of misrepresentation can lead to mistrust in a relationship given
the blurring of boundaries between truth and fiction.
Bald-faced lies: A bald-faced lie is a type of deception that involves an outright falsification of information. When you
communicate a bald-faced lie, there exists an intent to truly deceive someone. With a bald-faced lie, there is going to be a
greater emotional impact or consequence to the relationship if the lie is discovered as the risk of destroying trust in a
relationship is greater.
Why Do We Deceive?
If we know that deception in a relationship carries with it the risk of destroying the trust we have built in our relationships, why
would we decide to deceive someone in the first place? There are many reasons we might contemplate or use to determine and
justify why it is OK to engage in any act of deception.
Altruistic, or to protect and avoid hurting someone (their resources, self-image, or safety)
Self-serving and for personal gain; to avoid undesirable consequences (negative consequences)
To gain resources such as time, money, affection, and status
To avoid harm or loss of resources
To protect one’s self-image and save face
For entertainment
Reflect on your past relationships and times you have engaged in any level of deception or felt you were deceived, and consider
why. Do these reasons seem reasonable to you? We may find we can justify reasons (big or small) on why we might need to
deceive in a relationship, but we also have to consider the short-term and long-term effects on a relationship if deception becomes
commonplace.
Every communication act has a consequence, and we should be prepared to accept these consequences should we choose to engage
in any form of deception in our relationships. First and foremost, as indicated earlier, if our relational partners find out we have
withheld any information and they perceive us to be lying, there will necessarily be some kind of harm to the relationship and/or a
loss of trust. We should expect the relational partner to be more guarded on whether to completely trust us in future interactions.
There may also be collateral damage or harm to others who aren’t directly involved simply because they are in your orbit and may
peripherally experience an after effect of the deception. Finally, deception can bring on other relational consequences such as
punishment, damage to your reputation, or even a lingering guilty conscience that can get in the way of future carefree and open
conversations.
Given these reasons/effects, do you advocate that deception or lying is necessary to some extent in a relationship?
The novel Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty (and the subsequent mini-series that stemmed from it) depicts five main characters who
are each faced with keeping secrets. These secrets vary in their depth and degree and the characters are seen grappling with how to
best navigate keeping these secrets and to who they deceive versus disclose the truth too. Each of the women has different
motivations for why they choose to deceive and each ends up having to deal with the different impacts and affects their deception
has on their relationships with each other and others around them.
Gaslighting
In 2018, Oxford Dictionaries named gaslighting one of its most popular words, largely in response to the political climate
surrounding the national election and office of the presidency in 2016. When gaslighting, the abuser twists and exploits their
victim's words, emotions, and experiences to make them feel like they’re imagining or exaggerating what happened. For
gaslighting to take place, it takes two people: the gaslighter, who creates doubt and confusion; and a receiver, who questions their
perceptions as a result.
If you are on the receiving end of gaslighting, you may find yourself manipulated to the point where you begin to doubt your
thoughts and perceptions of events, your emotions, and even your self-concept. To illustrate, if a wife tells her husband that she is
overwhelmed with housekeeping and needs more support from him, and he responds that he does 90% of the cleaning (when he
does not), and doesn’t know what she's talking about, he gaslighted her. The use of gaslighting can not only cause someone to
doubt themselves, but it is often considered a form of abusive communication that can negatively impact an individual's mental
health and well-being. Consider the story of Chanel Miller, who was inadvertently a victim of gaslighting from her family:
In the New York Times bestselling memoir Know My Name, Chanel Miller (2019) described the awful night when Brock
Turner sexually assaulted her behind a dumpster on the campus of Stanford University. In a haunting passage, Miller
recounted listening to friends and coworkers discuss the case without knowing that she was “Emily Doe,” the name assigned
to her in press coverage of the assault. These well-meaning friends and colleagues pondered why a non-student would attend
a university party, what she wore that night, and whether she enjoyed it because, after all, the assailant was a sexy jock.
Later, Miller recalls the case prosecutor’s relief upon meeting her boyfriend: an older, employed, handsome, and athletic
man. Miller’s own testimony that she was unconscious and could not consent to sex seemed to mean less than her
boyfriend’s social desirability in a jury’s assessment of whether she had really been assaulted. (Graves & Spencer, 2022)
Gaslighting can be used in a variety of interpersonal relationships for a variety of reasons. Gaslighting can occur in romantic
partnerships, with family, friends, and even with co-workers or a boss. For gaslighting to occur, both parties must value the
relationship, there is usually unequal power between the partners, and the target does not want to lose the relationship and needs
approval. Stressful relationship topics such as money, sex, child-rearing, and other complex issues can trigger gaslighting to diffuse
tension and conflict, attempt to control the situation, and to ease anxiety (Stern, 2007). Although gaslighting techniques can be a
strategic approach used by a person or group, often people who use gaslighting techniques are unaware of what they are doing.
Figure 11.2.2 : Gaslight 3 by WadeB from Flickr licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
Common Forms of Gaslighting

blaming the other person for the problem
minimizing the seriousness of the event
diminishing the other person’s self-concept
ridiculing the other person
verbal attacks
changing the subject
blatant lying
denial that something occurred
To illustrate, consider this scenario:
Rachel and her new boyfriend Daniel are out for the evening with some of his friends. During the evening, Daniel makes a
sexually explicit and vulgar comment at Rachel’s expense. Later that evening, on their way home, Rachel lets Daniel know
she is unhappy with the comment. First, Daniel outright denies that he made such a comment (denial). Daniel then blames
Rachel, telling her that the situation is her fault, and that claiming that she is so uptight his friends will never like her
(scapegoating). He ends up saying “we both know you are just too sensitive” (diminishing self-concept). Rachel is left
questioning her perception of the evening and wondering if she is being too sensitive.
Stern (2019) identified several common phrases that can be used by gaslighters to manipulate the other person, including:
You’re so sensitive!
You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
You are just paranoid.
I was just joking!
You are making that up.
It’s no big deal.
You’re overreacting.
You are always so dramatic.
Don’t get so worked up.
That never happened.
You’re hysterical.
There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
Nobody believes you, why should I?
Do you suspect that someone has tried to gaslight you? Chances are most people have experienced some form of gaslighting at
some point in their lives (Stern, 2019). If you are a victim of gaslighting you may:
Constantly second-guess yourself
Have difficulties making simple decisions
Continually ask yourself, “Am I being too sensitive?”
Feel confused or even “crazy”
Always apologize to your abuser
Not understand why you’re not happier when you have so many good things in your life
Feel as if you can’t do anything right
Wonder if you’re a “good enough” spouse/employee/friend/person
Take some time to reflect on your answers to the questions. If you answer "yes" to one or more questions, you may be in a
relationship where gaslighting is occurring. If you believe you are caught in the gaslight tango, developing your toolbox of
communication skills can help you form healthy responses.
How to Respond to Gaslighting with Communication Competence

It is important to recognize that over time gaslighting can have damaging effects on an individual's self-concept, mental health, and
overall well-being. If you find yourself using the gaslighting techniques described earlier, work on breaking the cycle by
developing your assertiveness, emotional intelligence, and conflict management strategies to better address problems as they arise.
If you believe that someone in your life is gaslighting you, it is worthwhile to develop a communication response strategy:
Learn to recognize gaslighting when it is happening.
Practice assertive communication to stand up for yourself, without engaging in an argument over the issue.
Check your perceptions with yourself and the other person. For example, if your partner criticizes you, rather than becoming
defensive, use perception checking to try and get to the heart of the issue.
Set boundaries with simple communication statements such as “I am uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation. We
can come back to it later” or “It may not be your goal to criticize me, but I feel hurt, and I do not want to continue this
conversation right now” or “I know you see the situation one way, but I don’t agree with you.”
Seek feedback and support from people outside of your relationship.
Consider consulting a therapist or counselor. If the gaslighting occurs at work, contact Human Resources.
 Consider This: Communication Skills of Sociopaths
According to Harvard psychologist Martha Stout (2006), one in 25 “ordinary” people are remorseless and exhibit no
conscience. These are clear signs of a sociopath. Ultius (2015) defines sociopaths as “people who display anti-social behavior
characterized by a lack of empathy towards others coupled with abnormal moral conduct and an inability to conform to societal
norms.”
Figure 11.2.3 : I’m a high functioning sociopath by Irina Duarte on Flickr is licensed CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
While sociopaths may be antisocial and lack empathy for others, they can also come across as charismatic and interpersonally
charming. Some verbal and nonverbal communication behaviors to look for in sociopaths include the following (Ultius, 2015).
Even though sociopaths lack empathy, they appear interested in their victims by asking lots of questions in an attempt to
gain information for manipulation.
As a method of manipulation, they will often attempt to assert control with intense eye contact to present themselves as
“sincere and captivating.” However, if they’ve deemed a target is no longer useful, they immediately break eye contact and
any further attempts to connect.
Sociopaths tend to exhibit behaviors of grandiosity and blaming. In other words, they have an inflated ego that refuses to
take responsibility and insists on blaming others.
Compulsively lying is another key characteristic of sociopaths. Their superficially charming personality along with their
lies help them to build the facade behind which they hide to carry out their manipulations.
So what’s the difference between sociopathy and psychopathy? While both are disturbing antisocial personality disorders,
some psychologists believe sociopaths are more impulsive, whereas psychopaths rely on carefully and thoroughly calculating
and planning their crimes. Joe Exotic, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Diane Downs, Billy McFarland, and Bernie Madoff are a
few names that popped up from a quick Google search of sociopaths (also see Practical Psychology, 2022).
To summarize, at first glance sociopaths appear to be interpersonally skilled. However, “their main trait is presenting
themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They
are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions” (Loewen, 2020).
This page titled 11.2: Deception and Gaslighting is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Current page by Angela Hoppe-Nagao, Anu Khanna is licensed CC BY 4.0.
11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip by Angela Hoppe-Nagao, Anu Khanna has no license indicated.
Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster
Have you ever found yourself feeling jealous in a relationship? If you are like most people, you may have experienced both ends of
jealousy, including feeling the emotion and finding yourself in a relationship with a jealous partner. Like other aspects of the dark
side of communication, jealousy can have both positive and negative aspects. Jealousy can involve how people think, feel and
respond to a perceived threat to a relationship. Although much reference is made to the “green-eyed monster” of jealousy in
romantic relationships, it can also occur with friends, siblings, co-workers, and other people in our daily lives. Jealousy can be
triggered by events, such as thinking your partner is flirting with someone attractive, but it can occur even in the absence of an
actual rival. How we experience jealousy can be influenced by a variety of factors, including our personality, culture, attachment
styles, and the unique characteristics of the relationship.
Figure 11.3.1 : Jealousy by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

As with other aspects of the dark side of communication, jealousy can serve both negative and positive functions in relationships.
Previous research has suggested that jealousy is related to six communication functions: preserving self-esteem, maintaining
(protecting) the relationship, reducing uncertainty about both the primary and rival relationship, restoring balance in the
relationship, and reassessing the relationship (Guerrero & Anderson, 1996). One potentially positive outcome of jealousy is that it
can motivate people to take steps to improve their relationship (Henniger & Harris, 2014), such as investing time and effort in the
relationship. Nonetheless, jealousy has been linked to relationship dissatisfaction, and increases in deception and relationship
violence (Elphinston, et al., 2013; Guerrero, et al., 2005).
The green-eyed monster of jealousy can show itself in different forms, including cognitive, behavioral, or emotional jealousy
(Guerrero & Andersen, 1998). Cognitive jealousy occurs when you experience negative thoughts about your partner’s behavior or
a third party whom you believe is interfering in your relationship. For example, if someone starts texting your partner late at night,
sending pictures and flirtatious messages, you may find yourself questioning the other person’s motives. Emotional jealousy refers
to the emotions that are mixed in with your jealous experience, such as hurt, anger, and fear. Last, behavioral jealousy occurs
when you take steps to monitor your partner, such as checking their phone, tracking their location, or trying to limit and/or control
who they associate with.
What is the best way to manage feelings of jealousy when they arise? Think back through your own life and consider what you find
to be the healthiest response to jealousy. Research has shown that using a “self-reliance” strategy may work the best (Salovey &
Rodin, 1988). This approach calls for you to acknowledge your feelings while not letting the triggering event derail you from what
you were doing. Furthermore, research suggests that following up the triggering event with calm discussions about jealous feelings
(self-disclosure) and demonstrating increased affection toward partners lead to the most positive outcomes in these situations
(Kennedy-Lightsey, 2018).
Secret Tests
In the classic teen movie Mean Girls, a tale of high school students jockeying for power, the four main characters engage in a four-
way phone conversation designed to unknowingly undermine each other. This iconic scene showcases secret tests, a form of
communication whereby individuals use a variety of direct and indirect strategies to learn information about each other and their
relationship (Baxter & Wilmot, 1984). Secret tests, commonly referred to as game-playing, are often used when there are questions
about the status of the relationship or when the relationship is going through changes. You are more likely to find secret tests when
at least one person in the relationship has low self-esteem, talking about the relationship is considered taboo, or the relationship is
in a state of decline.
Figure 11.3.2 : Girls Whispering by Olya Adamovich from Pixaby.

Research has largely examined the use of secret tests in romantic relationships, but these strategies to reduce uncertainty can also
be found in family, friend, and work relationships. Secret tests are included as a type of communication from the dark side because
they can be manipulative, hurtful, and negative. There are several types of secret tests.
Types of Secret Tests

Third-party tests: The third-party technique involves going through the other party's friends or family to learn their feelings.
For example, imagine that AJ has a crush on Sophia. Rather than reaching out to Sophia, AJ connects with Sophia’s friends
through social media to find out if she is single and if she might be interested in talking.
Triangle tests: Triangle tests involve using a third party to make your partner jealous. For example, Layla and Aaron go to a
party and Aaron talks to other girls to try and make Layla jealous.
Fidelity tests: Fidelity tests involve whether or not your partner remains faithful. For example, Jada leaves her partner alone
with someone very attractive to see how they respond.
Directness tests: Directness tests involve making specific statements or self-disclosures in the hope that the other person will
reciprocate. For example, Mateo tells Elena “I think I am falling in love with you” in hopes that Elena will confess to the same
feelings.
Separation tests: Separation tests involve increasing the physical distance between partners (such as geographically) to see if
the relationship can withstand the distance. For example, Belle and James go away to school on opposite sides of the country to
see if their relationship can withstand being apart.
Endurance tests: Endurance tests involve introducing costs to the relationship to see how the other person responds. There are
three typical endurance tests: negative behavior, self-criticism, and effort tests. Negative behavior involves treating your
partner poorly to see if they will put up with the behavior. Self-criticism entails criticizing oneself, so much that it is irritating,
to see if your partner will disagree and defend you. Effort tests involve making demanding requests of the partner to see how
committed they are to the relationship.
Public presentation tests: Public presentation occurs when individuals test their relationship status through public declarations
about the relationship status, such as introducing someone as their significant other or changing their relationship status on
social media.
Indirect suggestion tests: Indirect suggestion tests include roundabout strategies like joking about the relationship status and
nonverbal indicators such as increasing touch through hand-holding and hugs. For example, Kaia frequently jokes with Jamie,
calling them "girlfriend" to see how they react.
As you review secret tests in relationships, you may recognize occasions where other people used this form of communication with
you, or that you used these techniques on others. It can be helpful to develop competent communication strategies to respond to
secret tests.
Communication Strategies to Respond to Secret Tests

It is important to recognize that secret tests can break down trust in relationships. If you find yourself using any of the secret tests
listed here, work on developing your assertiveness to seek out the answers to your questions in a more direct manner with the other
party. If someone in your life is using secret tests with you, it is worthwhile to develop a response strategy. Consider trying one of
these communication strategies:
Seek answers to why the person is using secret tests. Are they insecure, or are you unwilling to share in the exchange of ideas
about your relationship?
Respond assertively. For example, "I noticed that you introduced me to your family as your girlfriend. We have not really
discussed our relationship status, and I think we should do so before we move forward."
Counter with perception checking. "I have noticed lately that your friends have been asking me about our relationship. Is there
something you would like to know, or are your friends curious about your life?"
Use clarifying questions and statements. "So, would you like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for people I care
about. I am happy to take you to the airport," or "So, you would like me to take you to the airport? I only do that for the people
that I am closest to, and I don't think we are there yet."
Gossip: The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

The word gossip easily conjures up questionable images of “malicious rumors, put-downs, or the breathless propagation of a
tabloid scoop” (Gottfried, 2019). As it turns out, gossip is not so sinister, but it’s a social skill that helps us connect by spreading
information. Researchers essentially define gossip as, “talking about people who aren’t present” (Robbins & Karan, 2019).
Figure 11.3.3: Twitter Management by geralt from Pixaby
According to David Ludden, professor of psychology at Georgia Gwinnett College and author of The Psychology of Language: An
Integrated Approach, gossiping can be positive or neutral as well as the expected negatives. In fact, Robbins and Karan (2019)
found gossip to be quite mundane. Their observational study found that most gossip tended to be neutral rather than positive or
negative. Neutral topics may include sharing updates about friends and family. Their study concluded that the average person
gossips about 52 minutes a day. Of that, only about 15% was negative gossip, 9% was positive, and an overwhelming 75% was
“boring” and neutral information. Additionally, while women tend to be stuck with the gossiping reputation, they found that men
gossip just as much as women.
Dunbar (2004) believes that without gossip, society would not exist. She argues gossiping is a way to stay informed when our
network/society becomes too big to manage and observe by ourselves. Furthermore, Roy Baumeister, Liqing Zhang, and Kathleen
Vohs (2004) suggest that gossip is part of human socialization and cultural learning offering teachable situations of what society
finds socially acceptable and not acceptable. For example, parents use the parable of “the boy who cried wolf” to tell their children
about a neighbor who got in trouble for lying. As a result, we learn from a young age that lying is bad and learn that gossip serves
“to keep people in check, morally speaking” (Robbins & Karan, 2019).
The usefulness of gossip doesn’t come without a dark side. Perhaps that is why we are quick to associate gossip with being
something bad and reprehensible. When the information transmitted benefits no one and is intended to harm, that is gossip that
should be avoided (Feinberg et al., 2012).
1. How do you define/see gossip? (Positive, Negative, Neutral?) What contributed to your perception of gossip?
2. How does gossip function in the developing and maintaining of relationships in your life?
This page titled 11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by
Angela Hoppe-Nagao & Anu Khanna (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Current page by Angela Hoppe-Nagao, Anu Khanna has no license indicated.
11.2: Deception and Gaslighting by Angela Hoppe-Nagao, Anu Khanna is licensed CC BY 4.0.
Types of Verbal and Physical Aggression
Christine showed up to school on Monday with a split lip and laughingly told her friends that her dog head-butted her while they
were playing. It was not until several months later that she confided in her best friend that her boyfriend has been criticizing her
over every little thing, picking fights, and belittling her and that he was the one who caused her split lip. Unfortunately, aggressive
occurrences such as this are not uncommon in personal relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic
Violence (2021), almost 49% of adults have experienced some kind of aggressive behavior from an intimate partner. Our personal
relationships with friends, family and romantic partners are supposed to be our safe haven, a place of security that enhances our
well-being. However, as we have seen previously in this chapter, every light side can be accompanied by a dark side, and in this
case, the relationships that should keep us safe may also cause us harm when they are plagued by aggression. In this section, we
focus on several different types of aggression, including verbal aggression, physical aggression, bullying, psychological abuse, and
intimate partner violence. We wrap the section up with resources for help if you or someone you know is being harmed.
Figure 11.4.1 : Verbal Abuse by The Lamp from Flickr is licensed CC BY-ND 2.0
Verbal Aggression and Abuse

Emma is a member of her school’s soccer team. After one particularly competitive game, she came home in tears. Her mother
asked about her tears and Emma shared that the coach screamed at her in a profanity-laced rant, humiliating her in front of her
teammates. Emma’s mother responded with appropriate empathy and concern, and told Emma that she thought the coach was being
verbally abusive. Verbal abuse is a pattern of speaking that includes a specific intent to demean, humiliate, blame or threaten the
Verbal aggression involves attacking the self-concepts of the other party using
relational partner.
insults, character attacks, harsh teasing, and profanity (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018). According to
the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship (Evans, 2010), many victims of verbal abuse do not realize
that it is harmful, and a form of abuse. It is important to learn recognize verbal abuse and aggression and
recognize that ongoing verbal aggression and abuse can lead to psychological trauma (NCADV, 2015).
Figure 11.4.2 : Women/MentalHealth/Yelling from Max Pixel is licensed CC0
According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (WomensLaw.org, 2021), some examples of verbal and emotional
abuse may include an individual
Acting jealous and constantly accusing you of cheating.
Getting angry in a way that scares you.
Calling you insulting names like “stupid,” “worthless,” and “disgusting.”
Threatening to call authorities to report you for wrongdoings.
Deciding things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat).
Humiliating you in front of others.
Continually pretending to not understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and
opinions.
Types of Verbal Abuse

Patricia Evans (2010), author of the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, found through her research and conversations that
many different types of verbal abuse can exist in a relationship. The following are the most commonly identified types of verbal
abuse:
Hostile withholding: Abusers may refuse to acknowledge the partner’s existence for hours, days, and sometimes longer, which
can lead to a partner feeling isolated and desperate for the abuser’s approval and acknowledgment. For example, Jun is
frustrated when her best friend Jasmin starts to give her the silent treatment, leaving her text messages unread, and ignoring her
at school, even though they have an important project to finish.
Countering: When the abuser tries to convince their partner that their feelings about anything and everything are wrong.
Although it is normal for people to disagree at times, countering occurs when the abuser responds with hostility to your
opinions and ideas, even if they agree with you. To illustrate, while Rosario is helping her dad wash the family car, she
comments on a beautiful car that drove by. Her father responds with hostility, accusing her of being materialistic, saying that he
would never be caught dead in such a car. Rosario is left in tears and bewildered by the attack.
Discounting or jokes: Telling a partner that their emotions are wrong, denying them the right to simply feel what they feel, or
indicating it was “just a joke” to discount the other person’s feelings. For example, if you find yourself feeling hurt as a result of
your partner’s comment, and then your partner says “I was just joking.”
Blocking. The abuser will prevent the partner from talking at all, cutting them off or accusing them of talking out of turn so
they are effectively silenced.
Blame. The abuser will blame the other person as a degradation or humiliation tactic, such as telling their partner they’re not
able to make friends because they’re a bad person or bad things happen to them because that’s what they deserve.
Judging and criticizing. Similar to blame, the abuser will judge the partner unfairly for just about everything which impacts
their self-esteem. For example, the abuser may frequently say something like, “Why are you so slow? You always ruin it for us
when we go anywhere.”
Trivializing. An abuser will minimize a partner’s accomplishments. For example, the abuser may trivialize an award received
by their partner by saying, “Wow, the competition must have been bad this year.”
Undermining. An abuser will make sure to question a partner at every turn in a conversation. This can lead to the partner not
lacking confidence in any accomplishments. For example, if your boss publicly questions every decision you make on a project,
while privately telling you they want you to take more initiative, they may be undermining you.
Name calling: This can be blatant or in terms of subtle references in conversations such as “Of course, only a loser would do
something like that” or “Hey idiot—take a look at this.”
In the 2018 movie I, Tonya, which is a dark biographical reveal about Tonya Harding, a polarizing US figure skater in the early
1980s, we see many depictions of Tonya with two abusers in her life: her mother and her husband. Tonya’s mother is both
physically and verbally abusive to her. In many situations, she engages in hostile withholding (where she withholds affection from
Tonya as a way to manipulate her) or judges and criticizes before her competitions (under the delusion that Tonya will skate better
this way if she is angered prior to taking the ice), or trivializes her accomplishments in order to make Tonya feel less than—all of
which significantly impact Tonya Harding’s self-esteem and ultimately contribute to her downfall in the figure skating world.
Be Aware of DARVO
In situations involving communication abuse, such as gaslighting or verbal aggression, it is common for the abuser to respond in a
way that tries to deny or evade accountability and flip the responsibility back to the victim. As listed in Figure 11.4.3, DARVO is
used by people who cause harm to minimize and effectively silence those who have experienced harm. These tactics, known as
DARVO, are used by people who cause harm to minimize and effectively silence those who have experienced harm (Freyd, 1997).
According to Jennifer Freyd, “The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and
Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged
offender” (1997). Defensiveness and denial are key aspects of how an abuser or perpetrator will use DARVO to escape being held
accountable for their communicative actions. Unfortunately, the use of DARVO as a way of victim-blaming can serve to further
silence relational partners and undermine their credibility when speaking out against an abuser (Harsey, et al., 2017). It is important
to be aware of DARVO, as these common response tactics can cause relational partners to doubt their own perception of what is
occurring in the relationship, which can enable the verbal abuse cycle to continue.
Figure 11.4.3 : DARVO explanation and elements by Anu Khanna is licensed CC BY 4.0
Verbal abuse and aggression can be very subtle and rarely leave signs of visible damage, nonetheless, the harm to an individual's
self-esteem and overall well-being can be severe. Communication aggression can go beyond close relationships and take on a
social element when teams or groups attack individuals.
Social Aggression and Bullying

Social aggression is “directed toward damaging another’s self-esteem, social status, or both, and may take direct forms such as
verbal rejection, negative facial expressions or body movements, or more indirect forms such as slanderous rumors or social
exclusion” (Galen & Underwood, 1997, p. 589). At its core, social aggression is an attempt to hurt someone by inflicting harm on
their friendships and social status, and can include behaviors such as malicious gossip, manipulation, and exclusion from social
groups (Underwood, 2004). A Girl Like Her is a 2015 movie about a high school student who uses a hidden camera to document
her own bullying by her former best friend. The storyline is based on the phenomena of social aggression, where a character used
threats, intimidation, gossip, and slander to retaliate against a former best friend. Furthermore, like the characters in the movie,
research suggests that although boys and girls participate in social aggression, males are more likely to use physical aggression and
females are more likely to use social aggression (Lansford, et al., 2012).
Social aggression exhibits aspects of both the dark and light sides of communication. Some of the harm caused by social aggression
includes increased social isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, loss of performance in school, and increased suicide. Although it
is easy to see the harm caused by social aggression, particularly during the adolescent and teen years, it is important to understand
that social aggression may also serve some beneficial functions. It serves to promote individual identity formation (such as the
establishment of a group leader), group identity (Dodger fans versus San Francisco Giants) and can be used to enforce cultural and
peer values and norms (such as making fun of a friend who has not taken a shower in a little too long).
Bullying, a form of aggression among peers, can encompass the previously mentioned physical, verbal and social aggression, in
addition to cyberbullying. However, what sets bullying apart from other forms of aggression is that it represents a pattern of
aggressive attacks over time toward a targeted individual. Bullying includes physical and psychological harassment and is initiated
by an individual toward someone with less power, whether it be physical strength or social status. Bullying can be one on one, or in
some cases, many individuals can be responsible for harassment, known as mobbing (Hoover & Oliver, 2008).
Actor Josh Gad, of Frozen, shared his experiences of being bullied in high school:
I realized early on [that] I was the absolute poster boy for bullying because I struggled with being overweight from a very
early age, but I also discovered that comedy was a weapon that I was able to employ," he said on Off Camera with Sam
Jones. "I remember one time a kid calling me fat in front of, like, a group of people. And, instead of kowtowing and giving
him the opportunity to sort of, you know, leave, I started reciting that monologue from My Cousin Vinny, where he walks in
the bar and he sees the guy in the arm sling. And I just literally started reciting to the point that the guy's like, 'What the f--- is
happening right now?' And everybody is laughing at him.
Anyone can be bullied. According to the Youth Risk Behavior Survey (CDC, 2019), more than 30% of US high school students
report being bullied in school. Transgender students report bullying in schools at even higher rates, up to 43%. Bullying of these
individuals occurs due to a lack of tolerance and understanding for those who are perceived as different. It is easy to exclude and
bully someone who can be “othered.” In the movie The Social Network, which depicts Mark Zuckerberg's rise with Facebook, there
is a scene that talks about the impact of bullying, especially via social media platforms. In this scene, Zuckerberg’s friend describes
how being cruel to a person’s face is like using a pencil, but saying something online is being cruel with a pen. They were
emphasizing the permanency and impact of the dark side of bullying behavior, especially in the online space. Later on in this
chapter, we will go into more depth about the dark side of social media's influences on communicative behavior.
The rise of anti-Asian sentiment and bullying increased significantly during the COVID-19 pandemic. A 2021 report by the STOP
AAPI Hate Youth Campaign found that almost 75% of the 1100 students they interviewed about their experiences indicated
cyberbullying and verbal harassment as forms of anti-Asian sentiment they had recently experienced. This increase has been
greatly influenced by the coronavirus-related racism toward Asians that has been facilitated through the media and in communities
where anxiety and fear have led to such stereotypical views about Asians.
Now that we have examined different types of social aggression and bullying, take a moment to read about cancel culture. Next,
we will to turn our attention to intimate partner violence (IPV). Verbal aggression, psychological abuse, and social aggression often
occur before the first incident of IPV.
 Consider This: Food for Thought: Accountability or a Form of Bullying?
Figure 11.4.4 : Cancel Culture - The First 500 Years by Matt Wuerker, Image from Politico is licensed CC BY-NC 4.0
Cancel culture isn’t a new concept, but it has taken on a much more prominent role in our culture as technology and the
internet have opened the floodgates for the public to express opinions and challenge each other’s views. The debates and
discussions over what exactly is “cancel culture” was the focus of a survey conducted by Pew Research Center. The survey
involved 10,093 US adults and was conducted in September 2020. The results found “a public deeply divided, including over
the very meaning of the phrase” (Vogels et al., 2021).
The original idea of “canceling” had to do with marginalized communities asserting their values to hold public figures
accountable (Romano, 2021). While most in the Pew survey described “cancel culture” as “actions people take to hold others
accountable” (Vogels et al, 2021), it has evolved to include public shaming, callouts, and other forms of public backlash that
attempt to seek social justice against anyone in disagreement via the many social media platforms accessible 24/7. For some,
canceling others seems to address a power imbalance between people with money (celebrities, politicians) and the general
public. Anne Harper Charity-Hudley, chair of linguistics of African America at the University of California, Santa Barbara
explains,
When you see people canceling Kanye, canceling other people, it’s a collective way of saying, “We elevated your social
status, your economic prowess, [and] we’re not going to pay attention to you in a way that we once did.... I may have no
power, but the power I have is to [ignore] you.” (Romano, 2020)
Thanks to social media, many in the public have gained the power to voice their opinions and boycott or refuse to participate.
“Canceling is a way to acknowledge that you don’t have to have the power to change structural inequity,” Charity-Hudley said.
“You don’t even have to have the power to change all of the public sentiment. But as an individual, you can still have power
beyond measure” (Romano, 2020).
1. How does social media fuel cancel culture?
2. How have perpetrators become “victims” in the cancel culture environment?
3. How is cancel culture itself a target in the cancel culture environment?
4. What are some examples of cancel culture you’re aware of? What “woke” your awareness of this person/issue?
5. LeVar Burton argues that cancel culture is misnamed. Although he believes people should be held accountable, he argues it
should be re-named as “consequence culture.” If you were working for a marketing agency tasked to rebrand the concept of
cancel culture, what would you rebrand it as and why?
Physical Abuse and Intimate Partner Violence
In the spring of 2022, the world was captivated by Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's defamation trial. Detailed accounts of physical
abuse and photographic evidence captured the brutality of the relationship of the Hollywood couple. This violent exchange shed
light on the often untold story of intimate partner violence (IPV). IPV is often considered a subset of aggression but goes beyond
verbal acts of aggression to include behavior where one person in a close relationship purposefully inflicts physical, emotional,
psychological, or sexual harm on another person (Spitzberg, 2011; Evans, et al., 2020). Abuse can occur in many types of close
relationships, such as between parent and child, siblings, and friends; however, IPV is distinguished by its occurrence in romantic
relationships. Here is where the light versus dark side comes into view, as intimate relationships are supposed to be our most
cherished, protected, and safe relationships, yet they can also be relationships that put us in the most danger. Although IPV impacts
people of all races, cultures, genders, sexual orientations, socio-economic groups, and religious groups, it has a “disproportionate
effect on communities of color and other marginalized groups. Economic instability, unsafe housing, neighborhood violence, and
lack of safe and stable childcare and social support can worsen already tenuous situations” (Evans, et al., 2020).
A wide range of studies have examined the prevalence of IPV in romantic partner relationships. The National Intimate Partner and
Sexual Violence Survey estimate that greater than 35% of women and 28% of men experience IPV in their lifetimes (Black, et al.,
2011). A large-scale study asked 14,965 high school students. “During the past 12 months, did your boyfriend or girlfriend ever hit,
slap, or physically hurt you on purpose?” (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2006). Of the participants, 8.8% of females
and 8.9% of males replied yes. Research has found that emotional abuse, such as insults, swearing, and humiliation, are the most
common forms of IPV across couples of various ages and that there is a direct link between the quality of communication and rates
of IPV (Rada, 2020). When couples rate their communication quality as low or very low, all forms of IPV were higher, especially
emotional abuse. Not surprisingly, married and romantic couples in early adulthood (ages 24–32) who rate their relationships as
less satisfying also are more likely to indicate that their relationship is characterized by some forms of IPV (Ackerman & Field,
2011).
IPV includes a wide variety of physically aggressive and/or violent behaviors, including pushing, grabbing, slapping, and throwing
items, to the more violent, such as choking, threatening or using a weapon such as a gun or a knife, hitting with an object, or
beating. Although physical aggression is not as common as verbal or psychological aggression, research suggests that it occurs in
one-quarter to one-half of all intimate partner relationships, including dating and marriage (Lawrence & Bradbury, 2007). It is
important to note that the most violent acts are extremely rare in teen romantic relationships (Munoz-Rivas, et al., 2007).
There are several common myths about IPV. To better understand the role of violence in relationships, it is worthwhile to examine
these misconceptions. Based on a review of research about IPV, Spitzberg (2011) highlights some important findings:
Men are more likely to be victims of violence, usually at the hands of other men.
Females use approximately equal or greater amounts of violence in their relationships than men.
Women are more likely to be physically and psychologically injured.
Self-defense accounts for a minimal amount of IPV.
Men and women initiate relatively equal amounts of IPV.
IPV tends to be reciprocal, meaning that when one person is physically abusive it can trigger a physically abusive response.
IPV is rarely about power. In a review of the literature, Spitzberg and Cupach (2011) point out that IPV may be due to other
factors, such as anger, jealousy, lack of control over emotions, and to get attention.
Being a victim of IPV, as well as verbal and emotional abuse, can have long-term consequences on both physical and psychological
health including depression, anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. While support for victims is still limited in the
workplace and public settings, there are lots of resources available for people who have experienced verbal and psychological
abuse in domestic settings. If you or someone you care about is being impacted by verbal aggression or IPV please consider
reaching out for help.
Have you ever witnessed or found yourself to be on the receiving end of the types of the communication behavior that we described
in this section? These behaviors may be signs that someone is being verbally abusive and should be considered as red flags. In a
later section in this chapter, we provide some resources you can seek out that help IPV (which includes both physical and verbal
abuse). In the meantime, what can you do if you find yourself recognizing such behaviors and seeing a pattern of these occurring in
your own relationship?
The first step is to acknowledge to yourself that these behaviors are harmful and that they are signs of a dysfunctional
relationship.
Consider seeking help from a trusted adult, instructor, or the health center at your college.
Set boundaries of what is acceptable communication between you and the abuser.
 Intimate Partner Violence Resources for Help
If you or someone you know is being impacted by IPV or other forms of abuse, please consider reaching out to one of these
resources:
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence (visit CPEDV.org or call 916-444-7163)
Child National Abuse Hotline (800-4-A-Child)
Futures Without Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline (visit TheHotline.org, text LOVEIS to 22522, or call 800-799-7233)
National Parent Hotline (855-4A-Parent)
This page titled 11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in Relationships is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored,
remixed, and/or curated by Angela Hoppe-Nagao & Anu Khanna (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
The Risks of Social Media and Social Networking
Figure 11.5.1 : Hand on MacBook by Nenad Stojkovic is licensed CC BY 2.0

Do you belong to a social network? Do you recall the first social media site you joined? Or do you choose to not participate in
social media? If anything is clear, since the introduction of the first social media sites in the late 1990s, social networking sites like
Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat have integrated themselves into all forms of life, in particular, interpersonal relationships.
Interestingly, approximately 70% of adults report using social media sites daily, yet most of the same people report holding
negative beliefs about the effects of social media (McKinnon & Dougherty, 2019). In this section, we first by exploring some of
social media's benefits, then examine social media from the dark side of communication by revealing how social media is linked to
mental health concerns, cyberbullying, stalking and sexting, hyperpersonal communication, and the spread of disinformation.
Some of the earliest social networking sites, like Classmates, were well received because they allowed people to connect with long-
lost friends and family members. Since that time, several benefits of social media sites have been identified, including increased
social connectivity, social involvement, entertainment, and information attainment (Khan, et al., 2014). Through increased social
connectivity we can reach out to family and friends (Instagram, Facebook). We can also use social media for networking purposes
(LinkedIn), and even to connect through online dating (Match.com, Bumble, and Tinder). Due to targeted platforms, we are
witnessing increased social involvement, in particular people using social media to connect over common interests, whether it be to
commiserate over gaming (Twitch), find the best local restaurants (Yelp), or join an online hiking club. One of the most influential
aspects of social media sites is that they have increased our access to information. The Pew Research Center has found that over
40% of 18–29 year olds get their news from social media sites (Shearer, 2021). Not only that, but largely due to our access to
digital media, students were able to continue with their education despite restrictions from the COVID-19 pandemic. Finally, social
media sites provide a great source of entertainment. During the COVID-19 pandemic, at least one author of this chapter found
herself addicted to YouTube, subscribing to a variety of different channels, including Yoga by Adrienne and Hoopla Doodle (a site
that teaches you how to draw cartoon animals). Through subscribing to these sites for entertainment, we join communities of like-
minded individuals.
Although social media has fulfilled many of its earliest promises for increased opportunities for connection, these opportunities
have been met with many risks, such as psychological isolation, exposure to harmful materials, social risk, and loss of time
(Linvill, 2019). As parents, both authors of this chapter have often grappled with setting appropriate boundaries while trying to
teach our children responsible social media use. However, as anyone with a cell phone and social media account can tell you, the
temptation to look at social media accounts can be a bit overwhelming, and the access is not without risks.
Time Risk
Social media provides a variety of entertaining and possibly addictive activities that can suck up the time of users. For example,
research by Common Sense Media (2019) shows that the average person checks their cell phone more than 100 times a day
(whether they receive a notification or not) and that approximately two-thirds of teens report accessing on-screen media up to 4
hours a day. Recent research indicates that the average person spends 145 minutes a day monitoring and posting in their social
media accounts (Statista, 2021). This represents a major shift in how we use our time in a day.
Mental Health Concerns
In the fall of 2021, a former Facebook employee turned whistleblower revealed company documents showing that the social media
giant was aware that Instagram can harm the mental health of children and teens (Romo, 2021). Although the revelation shocked
many, research has identified a link between our mental health and the use of social media. First, researchers have found that over
the past decade and a half, face-to-face interactions have declined as social media and electronic communication have increased
(Twenge & Uhls, 2017). During the same period, researchers have found that self-reported rates of depression, anxiety, isolation,
and suicidal thoughts have increased, leading many scholars to suggest that there may be a relationship to social media use
(Twenge, et al., 2019; Vannucci, et al., 2017; Primack, et al., 2017; De Choudhury, et al., 2013). However, research is mixed,
showing that modest amounts of digital communication and social media use can be linked to well-being and happiness (Davis,
2012). The mixed results of the research may indicate it is not social media per se, but how people use social media that impacts
mental health. The increase in cyberbullying is just one way that social media may negatively impact mental health.
Cyberbullying
The world of social media has provided new opportunities for bullying, or cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that
takes place through cell phones, tablets, and computers. It can occur through social media such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat,
Twitter, and TikTok, but it also occurs through text messages, online gaming communities, and message boards such as Reddit.
This form of bullying “includes sending, posting, or sharing negative, harmful, false, or mean content about someone else”
(StopBullying.gov, 2021). A 2021 Pew Research survey found that 4 in 10 adults in the United States who use social media report
being victimized by at least one type of bullying behavior online (Vogels, 2021). Online harassment is more common for younger
adults (48% of adults aged 29 and younger), significantly more common for LGBTQIA+ adults than their straight peers (51%
report being targeted), and as compared to other groups, Black and Hispanic adults are more likely report being harassed for their
race. In addition, 20% of adults report being harassed because of their religion. Typical forms of online bullying include offensive
name-calling, spreading false rumors, receiving explicit messages, physical threats, stalking behaviors (such as constant monitoring
of location and company by someone other than a guardian), and personal explicit sharing without permission (i.e., revenge porn).
One area that has witnessed disturbing growth is the proliferation of racial hostility.
Social media has created a space where messages of hate and prejudice have flourished. It is likely, if you are regularly on social
media, that you have encountered racist and or sexist messages. Often racism, sexism, and other forms of prejudice are presented
using covert tactics to mask the underlying hostility in the message, such as using memes, emojis, and GIFs as weapons
(Matamoros-Fernandez, 2018; Jackson, 2017; Lamerichs, et al. 2018). For example, in November 2021, US Congressman Paul
Gosar of Arizona posted an edited anime video of himself killing Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and attacking President
Joe Biden, leading to a rare censure in Congress and removing him from his committee posts. After receiving widespread criticism
for the posting, he tried to defend himself by saying “Relax, it is a cartoon.” Most people who post messages of hate are not
famous, like Gosar, giving them a false sense of protection. Adding to the challenge, people often create fake identities to post
racist messages, leaving victims with little recourse (Farkas et al., 2018).
Sexting and Cyberstalking

The popular Netflix series You tells the tale of a charming serial killer who uses social media to feed his toxic obsessions and stalk
his victims. Just as the show illustrates, social media platforms have provided new avenues for outlier communication behaviors,
such as sexting and cyberstalking (Linvill, 2019). Sexting is the practice of sending and/or exchanging sexually themed images,
videos, or messages on cell phones and through social media applications such as Snapchat. In some cases, the exchanges are
mutual and welcome, but in many cases, sexting takes on a form of sexual harassment, such as when an abuser sends unwanted
images to someone, or when someone has access to images that they then threaten to make public. One study of high school
students found that 28% of high school sophomores and juniors had shared naked pictures of themselves through text or email, and
31% had requested naked pictures (Rosin, 2014). Social media sites have also contributed to a growth in cyberstalking, since these
websites enable surveillance and voyeurism of often unwitting victims who provide a treasure-trove of personal information online.
In the cases of both sexting and cyberstalking, laws have been slow to keep up with changes in technology, providing little
protection for victims.
Relationships, Self-Disclosure, and Social Media

As discussed in Chapter 10, self-disclosure is an important aspect of developing and maintaining our interpersonal relationships.
Social media use can influence the trajectory of self-disclosure that occurs in a relationship, which can veer into the dark side. Have
you ever found yourself writing a text, sending a Snap, or communicating on a Discord channel something that you have regretted
because it was TMI (too much information) and you didn’t want to put it out there? It’s likely that at that moment (because you
were behind a keyboard), it seemed easier and not that risky to reveal all that information. In contrast to the type of self-disclosure
risks we might engage in while face to face, in a mediated context, via social media, we may engage in more hyperpersonal
communication (Walther, 1997). With hyperpersonal communication, in online interactions, self-disclosure can go from surface-
level to intimate and in-depth very quickly without the benefit of mutual reciprocity or establishing of trust. Lack of nonverbal cues
as well as the desire to promote self-presentation and receive online validation results in hyperpersonal communication (Walther,
2007). For some, this can be very emotionally satisfying; but for others, it can result in misperceptions and misunderstandings
leading to increased relational conflict and a decrease in trust and intimacy between relational partners.
Also impacting relationships and levels of self-disclosure in a relationship is the concept of disinhibition, which occurs via social
media in online interactions. Disinhibition refers to the freedom (without discretion) or lack of restraint one might show when
communicating online (Joinson, 2007). Joinson found that self-disclosure levels were much higher when communicating online
versus in face-to-face interactions, and that there was an increase in the more intimate levels of self-disclosure in these online
contexts. Have you heard about “keyboard warriors”? These are persons online who make abusive or aggressive posts on social
media platforms often while concealing their real identities. Frequently, these keyboard warriors will post comments they would
never say in a face-to-face situation. The anonymity of online interactions and lack of accountability creates enough disinhibition
that toxic communicative behavior becomes normalized.
 Consider This: The Evolution of Modern Catfishing
Figure 11.5.2 : Virus Criminal from Max Pixel CC0

Before the 2010 documentary Catfish, we only understood “catfish” to mean a hearty freshwater fish with long feelers that
look like cat whiskers. Since Nev Schulman’s documentary aired, we’ve discovered a whole new meaning of catfish that has
nothing to do with fish. Shulman has turned his documentary into a popular reality TV series on MTV. According to
Urbandictionary.com, a catfish (Urban Dictionary: Catfish, 2017) is someone who makes a fake account on social media to
lure people into a deceptive relationship. This modern definition has taken on quite a sinister connotation.
Since Catfish: The TV Show premiered on MTV in 2012, almost 200 episodes have been produced and aired. In each episode,
the hosts try to unveil the identities of people involved in these mysterious online relationships. According to Social Catfish (a
website that helps to identify and verify people), there are five basic reasons that people catfish others (Santiago, 2018).
1. Revenge: Someone you know fakes an identity to lure you into a relationship only to reveal their identity, once they’ve
gained your trust, for the purpose of hurting you.
2. Catch a cheater: If someone suspects their significant other of cheating, they might set up a fake identity to try and prove
unfaithfulness.
3. Money: Scammers set up fake profiles with sob stories to try and defraud vulnerable people of money.
4. Boredom: Some people are bored and catfish to entertain themselves.
5. Insecure about themselves: Lots of catfishers lack the confidence to meet people and develop relationships in person, so
they idealize themselves and hide behind a computer to pursue romanticized relationships.
So, how common is “catfishing?” Here are some interesting yet disturbing statistics:
According to the FBI’s Internet Crime Report (Internet Crime Complaint Center, 2020), IC3 logged 23,751 cases of
confidence fraud/romance scams in 2020. This resulted in the second largest financial loss due to internet crimes in 2020 at
a cost of $600,249,821 to the victims. These numbers do not reflect the numerous catfishing scams that are unreported
because victims are too ashamed to report the crime.
By Facebook’s own reporting on its Transparency Center (Facebook - Meld je aan of registreer je, 2021), they took down
1.8 billion fake accounts in the 3rd quarter of 2021 alone (July–September). Clearly, setting up a fake account to prey on
others is quite simple to accomplish on social media and dating sites.
Women and people over the age of 60 are more likely to be victims of confidence fraud/romance scams (Better Business
Bureau, 2020).
Ryan Anderson (2016) cited a study completed by OpinionMatters, a global research agency. The study found 53% of
online daters in the United States and the United Kingdom admitted to lying on their dating profiles. Over 20% of women
misrepresented themselves by posting younger photos. This study revealed that men tended to lie about their financial
situation, and women were more likely to lie about their age or appearance.
If you’ve ever watched Catfish: The TV Show you would take note of patterns of glaring red flags that signal someone is being
catfished:
The relationship moves very quickly. They refer to their victim as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” and talk about “love” and
their future together. This is all an effort to build and gain trust quickly to manipulate victims for what they want.
Catfishers avoid showing their faces. There’s always a convenient excuse why they cannot FaceTime or video chat (camera
is broken, bad internet connection, not a good time…)
Their story is too good to be true. Two of the most common professions catfishers use on the TV show indicate they are
models or rappers. They have internet stalked people and “borrowed” their photos to help enhance their lies. One episode of
Catfish even had the victim convinced he was in a relationship with Katy Perry (Season 5, Episode 15, 2016).
They ask for money. You barely know this person, they won’t meet you in person, they are a good-looking model or a
successful rapper, but they need money.
These four signs stood out as the most obvious from a survey of the TV show. If you do an internet search on “Signs you’re
being catfished,” lots of websites have written about this. Bottom line, trust your gut instincts. If something doesn’t seem right,
ask questions, and do some research. There are several resources out there to help, including Catfish: The TV Show.
Responding to the Dark Side of Social Media

As we can see, like other forms of communication, social media has both a light and a dark side. Because the dark side of social
media is so prevalent in our lives, it is important to set healthy boundaries for yourself and to develop a response plan that is based
on competent communication.
1. Set time limits for yourself in terms of how much of your day you are willing to spend on social media.
2. Set limits on who you add to your social media accounts. You do not need to add everyone.
3. Be thoughtful and respectful in your communication exchanges, committing to positive exchanges.
4. Check your outgoing messages and ask yourself, “Would I want my employer, mother, future self, or future child, to see this
message?” If not, do not post or share.
5. Commit to refraining from posting, sharing, or liking racist, sexist, agist, or other discriminatory messages.
6. If necessary, use your voice to be an advocate to stop the spread of hurtful messages.
7. If you experience bullying or other problems, reach out to someone you trust for help.
8. Block offensive content and the people who send offensive messages. Consider reporting abuse to the platform, such as Twitter,
Snapchat, and Instagram.
This page titled 11.5: The Dark Side of Social Media is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela
Summary
In this chapter, we shed light on the dark side of communication. We live in a world where the quality of our interpersonal
relationships can be directly linked to our personal well-being and happiness. Ironically, these same relationships can be the source
of some of our greatest misery. Thus, it is important to study not only aspects of communication that can improve our interpersonal
relationships, but also to develop an understanding of types of communication that may harm our well-being.
In this chapter we explored various communication aspects of the dark side of communication in interpersonal relationships,
including deception, secret tests, jealousy, gaslighting, verbal abuse, intimate partner violence, and social media. We learned that
communication can have both positive and negative effects on our relationships and personal well-being, but that some types of
communication clearly fall solely on the dark side.
In addition, we highlighted specific communication techniques you can use to lighten the burden on the dark side. Throughout the
chapter, we explored specific communication tools to help respond appropriately and effectively to the dark side of communication.
Techniques such as perception checking, assertiveness, and setting boundaries can help you maintain open channels of
communication while maintaining healthy boundaries. In addition, in this chapter we discussed several techniques for responding
to the dark side of communication on social media, including setting appropriate boundaries for your own posts, as well as
developing an effective response plan to negative messaging. Through examining the dark side of communication, we can
hopefully learn to understand communication patterns and behaviors that both enhance and harm our relationships, and in turn, we
can reveal the light and bright side of our partnerships.
As we develop our skills in interpersonal communication, it is important to be aware of how the light and dark sides of
communication interact with one another. The light and dark sides of communication are interwoven, such that some unappealing
behaviors (i.e., white lies) can lead to positive outcomes, and some desirable behaviors can lead to negative outcomes (i.e., self-
disclosure on social media). It is important to remember to commit to honoring yourself, the other person, and the relationship. In
doing so, you may lead to greater personal awareness, understanding of the other person, and relationship growth.
1. Now that you are familiar with the dark side of communication, what areas of the dark side of communication do you believe to
be most harmful to relationships?
2. What areas of the dark side do you feel are impacting your current relationships? What communication strategies do you use to
manage these challenges?
3. Identity three communication strategies you have learned throughout this text that can help you respond to different areas of the
dark side of communication.
4. What communication behavior from the dark side have you witnessed or experienced on social media platforms? Are there any
communication behaviors you have seen or experienced that are not included in the discussion of social media and the dark side
that you believe should be included?
5. Have you used or been on the receiving end of secret tests? How have you responded to secret tests in the past?
6. Cultures have different views and expectations regarding deception. Under what circumstances do you believe it is appropriate
to tell a lie?
This page titled 11.6: Summary and Review is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Angela Hoppe-
Nagao & Anu Khanna (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
11.7: References
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11.2: Deception and Gaslighting by Angela Hoppe-Nagao, Anu Khanna is licensed CC BY 4.0.
CHAPTER OVERVIEW
12: Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace

Identify how interpersonal communication influences organizational relationships.
Identify the types of workplace relationships that exist.
Identify the elements of virtual teams and the dynamics of engagement.
Utilize skills and strategies to increase communication competence in professional relationships.

12.7: References
This page titled 12: Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Anu Khanna & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
1
Overview: Organizational Communication

Imagine an office full of robots. It would be almost silent, besides the buzzing of machines. There would be little to no errors and
no sick days. There would be no wasted time on birthday celebrations in the lunchroom or checking in on coworkers’ weekend
plans. The environment would be sterile, uninterrupted, and remote. Now, imagine you are a customer. You call into this office for
assistance. You are given pre-determined prompts to choose from, consistently frustrated because you are not receiving the help
you need. Over the years, you notice the company continues to pump out the same, traditional products, with no upgrades,
modifications, or accommodations to current technology. You realize that, though perhaps seemingly easier and more advantageous
to daily flow, the lack of the human element also eliminates innovation, diversity, ingenuity, and personality. Fortunately, for those
of us who are employed or looking for work, most industries still hire real people with personalities—and yes, flaws. Therefore, we
will look at how humans interact in the workplace. We will examine the basics of interpersonal communication at work,
organizational culture, types of workplace relationships, how power and emotions show up in the workplace and explore
boundaries and professionalism. By the end of this chapter, we hope to give you tools that empower you to become more successful
and effective communicators at work.
Organizational communication is studied extensively in the field of Communication Studies; some universities even offer it as an
independent degree. As a field of study and practice, organizational communication usually pertains to internal communications
within an organization, such as messaging regarding an organization’s mission or any kind of employee training. It can also include
the various types of interpersonal communication that occurs between management and employees, as well as professional
communication such as emails, announcements, and company documentation. Organizational communication can also include
messaging that is more external-focused, such as public relations/public release documents, marketing materials, or branding.
Interpersonal communication intersects with organizational communication in many ways. However, in this chapter, we will focus
specifically on the types of relationships you will encounter in the workplace and the workplace dynamics you need to be aware of
as you navigate those relationships. First, to get you acquainted with this chapter, in the next section we will talk about why it is to
your advantage to understand the nuances of interpersonal communication as it relates to the workplace.
Figure 12.1.1 : Businessmen Talking in a Boardroom by Muhammad Faiz Zulkeflee on Unsplash
1. What strengths does the human element bring to communication in the workplace?
2. What weaknesses does the human element bring to the workplace?
3. Can you connect any of the concepts shared in your previous chapters to an interpersonal relationship at work?
This page titled 12.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored,
remixed, and/or curated by Anu Khanna & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Making the Connection
People do not always associate interpersonal communication and organizational communication. However, we do not live in silos,
nor are we robots. The workplace is full of interpersonal interactions. According to McKeown & Ayoko:
Often it is the people who make or break a job for us—getting on with those we work with impacts on our happiness is not
just work but in our wider life as well as on our physical and mental health. Some help us grow personally and
professionally. Some serve our need for social interaction in our daily lives. Some can be harmful and inappropriate, for
which we should be empowered to stand up against. So let’s look at the basics of why we are inclined to engage in
interpersonal communication at work. (2020, para. 1)
Why Learn Professional Interpersonal Communication Skills?

In the pie chart in Figure 12.2.1 shows that work and work-related activities take up the bulk of most Americans' days with 8.9
hours or 37% of our total day. Sleeping and personal care follow closely at 8.64 hours or 35%. Leisure and sports account for 3.01
hours or 13%. We spend about 1 hour each day in the following activities, which each account for about 4% of our day: eating and
drinking, household activities, and a category labeled "Other." Caring for others came in at 0.59 hours, or 2%. of our time.
Figure 12.2.1: Average Hours per Day Spent in Selected Activities on Days Worked by Alex Mata is licensed as CC-BY 4.0.
Data Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics, American Time Use Survey, 2017.
A survey from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that most people spend more time working and/or spending time with people
from work than they do on any other activity on a weekday, even more than time spent sleeping. In fact, given this
information, consider the time spent with family, friends, children, or any other person with which you have an interpersonal
relationship. You might see that those working relationships take up a significant amount of your day.
However, learning about effective interpersonal communication skills is more than just a numbers game of hours spent in a day. If
you recall from Chapter 1, many researchers have pointed to how interpersonal communication can help meet our needs as humans
(Maslow, 1987; Schutz, 1958). Being that many of us spend so much of our time at our workplace, it could be advantageous to
utilize this working time to help meet more of our interpersonal needs. In addition, if you remember our previous chapters on the
self, verbal and nonverbal communication, and perception (Chapters 2 through 5), the way we communicate with others has an
impact on how we view ourselves and those around us. Practicing our interpersonal communication skills at work further reinforces
things like our identity, our observations, and our relationships. Let’s review these concepts and discuss some specific examples
present in the workplace.
Interpersonal Communication Meets Our Basic Needs

In Chapter 1 you learned that communication helps to meet our basic needs. When it comes to the workplace, research from
Cheung (as cited in Morgan, 2020) shows us that many people gain a sense of belonging from their jobs, and that even employee
happiness is related to their social interactions at work. Psychologists have cited interpersonal relationships having a considerable
impact on our health, to include mental, behavioral, and physical health (Umberson & Montez, 2010). Probably best related to
interpersonal communication are esteem needs, for which reputation recognition, attention, or appreciation (as defined by others)
(Maslow, 1943) are met. Our workplace is a common venue through which we gain a reputation, attention, appreciation or
recognition. Therefore, our workspaces often serve as a significant source for meeting our esteem needs.
Interpersonal Communication Influences Your Thinking about Yourself

As you learned in Chapter 2, research by George Herbert Mead (1934) shows that our understanding of ourselves is shaped by
interacting with others. Because we learn, grow, and develop at our places of work, our interactions with our co-workers help to
shape how we see ourselves through theories like Reflective Appraisal (Mead, 1934; Cooley, 1902; Sullivan, 1947) and Social
Comparison (Festinger, 1954). From how you dress to the praise or criticism you receive on a project, our interpersonal interactions
in the workplace continuously shape our self-concept. And since we have already reviewed the data about the amount of waking
hours spent at our workplace, consider just how much impact your workplace relationships have on your self-concept.
Interpersonal Communication Influences Your Thinking about Others

As we learned in Chapter 3, our understanding of others is highly influenced by our perceptions (Knudsen, et al., 202). At the
workplace, this may look like past experiences with bosses, colleagues, customers, and meeting dynamics, which could have
shaped how we expect others to interact or behave. Perhaps by starting a new job or working with a new colleague, you might
notice that your understanding of others’ roles at work is contextual, or learned through past experiences. The competent
communicator could recognize how perception can create biases in the workplace that could influence pay, opportunities,
leadership roles, and even harassment in the workplace. For example, say that your last employer was very strict regarding
punctuality. Being late was frowned upon and happened rarely. At your new place of work, your colleagues seem to be very relaxed
in their approach to punctuality. Arriving to a meeting with a coffee in hand, 5–10 minutes late, is not uncommon. However, you
find yourself judging those who are late, perhaps even labeling them as unprofessional or disrespectful. Your past working norms
have influenced your understanding of what is, and is not, an appropriate way to interact with others.
Figure 12.2.2 : Networking by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash.
Employers Look for Interpersonal Communication Skills

Have you ever been interested in a job as a brand strategist, social media manager, content marketing manager, web producer,
social media planner, or public relations specialist? If so, these were reported as some of the top Communications degree jobs in
2021 (Keiling, 2021). But it is not just for Communication-specific titles that employers look for strong communication skills. In
Figure 12.2.3 we show the communication-specific skills that were cited in the Job Outlook 2021 Spring Update by the National
Association of Colleges and Employers—skills in which communication, working with others, and/or the combination of the two,
essentially dominate the attributes employers report seeking out in candidates.
Figure 12.2.3 : Communication Attributes Employers Seek on a Candidate’s Resume by Alex Mata is licensed as CC-BY 4.0, Data
Source: National Association of Colleges and Employers (2021)
When you look at the various jobs you’ve had throughout your life, whether they be typical nine-to-five office positions, part-time
work, or chores around your living space, what made your work more effective and enjoyable? Did you have a co-worker that
would make you laugh to get you through a long shift? A boss that was especially kind when giving praise? Did you have a parent
or roommate that set clear expectations about when things needed to be done or offered help when you could not carry your own
weight? It may seem obvious now that you look back, but those interpersonal communication dynamics in a workspace are
particularly impactful to how effective and enjoyable our work is. In fact, they could be the difference between loving or hating the
work, and motivation to get the work done and at what quality.
 Reflect
Read this article: Interpersonal Skills: Definitions and Examples.
1. Out of the nine interpersonal skills listed, which do you think are your strengths?
2. The article mentions using your interpersonal skills from the job interview to the daily interactions at work. How have you
seen these show up effectively in your own experience?
3. The video embedded in the article talks about EQ. What is EQ and how is it related to workplace communication?
Why Do We Seek Out Relationships at Work?
If you take stock of your own workplace experiences, or those of people you know, you might notice co-workers at children's
birthday parties, receiving invites to a colleague’s wedding, or meeting work-friends for drinks. You may know past or present co-
workers who are dating, or even getting married themselves. Perhaps you have a boss who routinely texts you “happy birthday” or
a subordinate whose baby shower you attended. Essentially, if you pay attention to workplace relationships around you, you may
just realize how prevalent they are.
We know from interpersonal communication research that we seek out relationships with others based on proximity, similarity, and
physical attractiveness. When you consider how physically close a co-worker is to us for much of our waking hours, along with all
we might have in common with that person (we work on the same industry, we possibly have the same boss and co-workers, we
may have a similar commute, and we might be close in socioeconomic class, etc.), you could see similarities emerging quickly.
Therefore, relationships at work are very convenient for us.
In addition to ease and accessibility of relationships, there are emotional and physical benefits to workplace relationships, as many
researchers point out. An article from the Harvard Business Review cites studies showing that “teams of friends perform better; that
people with supportive co-workers have more work/life balance and are less stressed; that strong personal ties increase
information- and idea-sharing, self-confidence” (Beard, 2020, para. 3). Furthermore, this article cites a book written by former
US surgeon general Vivek Murthy, who refers to friendship as “fundamental to successful professional relationships” and says that
by just having a friend around significantly impacts our blood pressure and immune cells" (para. 4).
In most workplaces, the most basic level of communication that we will have is in our interpersonal interactions—in the form of
interactions with co-workers or customers/clients, organizational leaders, or subordinates. Therefore, most communication will
flow either vertically or horizontally. Communication amongst superiors and subordinates is considered vertical communication,
which flows either upward or downward, while communication with our colleagues and customers or clients is considered
horizontal communication. Communication across these channels can be structured formally, due to organizational processes
such as with job instructions or contracts or performance reviews, or can occur more informally through networks that are created
by the types of relationships established in the workplace. In the next section, we describe some of the types of workplace
relationships where dyadic interpersonal communication plays an important role.
This page titled 12.2: Interpersonal Communication and the Workplace is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or
curated by Anu Khanna & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Friendships, Romance, and Mentors/Supervisors
As we learned with uncertainty reduction theory (Berger & Calabrese, 1975), perceived similarity and self-disclosure play
important roles in the formation of workplace relationships. Most co-workers are in close proximity, often working mere feet from
one another for eight or more hours a day, but they may create smaller cliques based on department, age, parental status, or interests
(Sias, 2005). These subgroups can create a sense of belonging or happiness for workers, who are able to connect with their co-
workers on an interpersonal level. In research by Gallup, when employees were asked to consider their workplace relationship with
their managers, there was a strong correlation between employee engagement and a positive working relationship (Crabtree, 2004).
A lot of us derive most of our social needs from those work relationships. They’re what give people a sense of belonging in
their job. Sometimes, there’s an idea that when you’re spending time with friends at work you won’t get anything done, but
the research says that employee happiness depends on social interactions.
In that same poll, of the engaged employees, 49% strongly agree that "A strong positive relationship with [my boss] is crucial to
my success at work" (Crabtree, 2004, para. 14). Further research points to the support that can be gained from positive connections
like receiving help, guidance, advice, feedback, and recommendations from colleagues like bosses, friends, and cubemates
(Hamilton, 2007). Therefore, this section will help us explore why we seek out relationships at work, what influences our
relationships with those we work with, and how friendships and romantic relationships can add value—and cause harm—to our
workspace.
Friendships
Friends can bring us so much joy. You can laugh, commiserate, and feel supported with a friend. Interestingly, many sources show
us that work is the number-one place people make friends (Morgan, 2020). When you combine the joy of friendship with the
necessity for many of us to maintain a job, having a friend at work can make a workplace more intrinsically rewarding, helping to
alleviate job-related stress. Friendships at work can be incredibly beneficial for us, and for our employers. Research from King
(2020) tells us that “those who have close friends at work are more efficient in and satisfied with their jobs,” later pointing to
research that states “that if one of your colleagues is a 'best' friend, you’re seven times more engaged at work than the average
person” (Beard, 2020, para. 4).
Figure 12.3.1 : Two People Laughing At Work by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash.

We have talked about the benefits of workplace friendships. But we would be remiss to not mention the research about the
downfalls of friendship in the workplace. We know that through self-disclosure (as discussed in Chapter 10) we gain access to
others’ personal lives and emotions. In the moment, it may serve both members to have access to such intimate information.
However, if the friendship changes—either because of conflict or because one friend changes roles at the company, such as moving
up the corporate ladder—this interpersonal shift can not only be a distraction, but it can also change how open and authentic we are
with our friends (Markman, 2018). The reputation of the company you keep, the change of subordinate/managerial roles, and
competition for future jobs can all be cause for friction among friends at work (Kirmayer as cited in Vasel, 2018; Hakim as cited in
Vasel, 2018).
In sum, the research overwhelmingly supports workplace friendships as a positive interpersonal relationship at work. Having a
friend at work can help with your job satisfaction and work performance. The key advice from the experts seems to be setting
appropriate boundaries. Amy Cooper Hakim, an industrial-organizational psychology practitioner and workplace expert, says you
don’t’ always need to fully disclose with people at work (cited in Vasel, 2018). Instead, she encourages people to “be kind,
professional and nice. But we don’t need to tell every person at work our deep dark secrets, and long-term goals and dreams”
(Hakim as cited in Vasel, 2018).
Romantic Relationships
Figure 12.3.2 : Hands of Two People Having Coffee by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Have you ever dated someone at work? Do you know if your company has a formal policy regarding romance in the workplace? If
you have ever been exposed to workplace romance, whether knowing of one in your company, or by engaging in a relationship
with a co-worker yourself, you might already know that romantic relationships at work can be controversial. Romance between
colleagues has been examined and debated by scholars and academics from as early in the 1970s. In this section, we will take a
quick look at romance in the workspace.
Workplace Romance Defined
Pierce and Aguinis (2001) defines workplace romances as "mutually desired relationships involving sexual attraction between two
employees of the same organization" (p. 206). (Please note that this does not include unwanted intimate interactions or sexual
harassment of any kind; that will be covered later in this chapter.) Romantic relationships begin for much of the same reasons most
interpersonal relationships begin: proximity, similarity, and physical attraction. A 2020 survey by the Society for Human Resource
Management found that more than 50% of American workers report having had a crush on a co-worker. In fact, almost 30% have
had a workplace romance—and nearly the same amount report dating a boss or higher-up (Society for Human Resource
Management, 2020). Therefore, we can deduce that workplace relationships are common, they are easy to access, and they happen
both laterally (among colleagues) and vertically (subordinate to boss).
Figure 12.3.3 : Two Women Working on a Laptop by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash
Though there is no consensus on why romantic relationships start, researchers have identified factors and progressions for how
these relationships can evolve (Pierce & Aguinis, 2003). In their study of romantic workplace relationships, Pierce, Byrne, and
Aguinis (1996) propose a model for understanding workplace relationships that begins with the physical closeness of two
people; requires interpersonal and romantic attraction, and a desire for a workplace relationship; and finally results in active
engagement in that relationship. Workplace romances can progress and evolve like any other romantic relationship, with ups and
downs, from emotional intimacy to the casual hook-ups (Wilson, 2015). Interestingly, experts in the fields of Communication
Studies, Psychology, Sociology, and Business have advocated against any kind of intimate relationship at work and also broadly
encouraged sexuality and eroticism as natural components of workplace culture (Wilson, 2015).
Personal and Professional Ramifications
What may be of even more interest to those who have debated whether to engage in a workplace romance is the eventual outcome.
To generalize some very complicated and intricate research, romantic relationships can foster two types of outcomes: personal and
professional. Let’s examine the positive side first. On the personal side, workplace romances can positively impact an employee’s
job satisfaction, organizational commitment, and motivation at work. Employees engaged in romantic workplace relationships will
work longer hours so they can spend more time with their romantic partners (Romantic Relationships at Work, 2020). On the
professional side, research by Robert Quinn (1977) cites job advancement, security, increased power, financial rewards, easier
work, and job efficiency as possible professional benefits of a workplace relationship with someone of higher status—which
makes workplace romance well worth the risk for some.
Figure 12.3.4 : Two men working on computers side-by-side by Tim van der Kuip on Unsplash
However, as with any romantic relationship, the romance can dwindle or be terminated for a multitude of reasons, resulting in
minor to significant impacts both personally and professionally. As you might have guessed, when a relationship sours in the
workplace, one or both parties could see their career advancement stifled, experience less job security, and suffer a reduction in
power at work (Romantic Relationships at Work, 2020). In addition, other interpersonal workplace relationships could be damaged
by the romance. From disapproval and hostility for the romantic partners, to the perception of favoritism (assumptions that there
will be extra benefits or opportunities for the romantic partner over other employees), the reaction of co-workers can result in
cynicism and hostility (Anderson & Fisher, 1991; Anderson & Hunsaker, 1985). Research also shows that after a failed workplace
romance, there can be a decrease in job satisfaction, less organizational commitment, and lowered employee motivation (Romantic
Relationships at Work, 2020). Swartz, Warfield, and Wood (1987) concluded that sex and work do not mix, arguing that workplace
romances hurt both the parties involved as well as their co-workers and thus the organization at large.
Company Policies on Workplace Romance
As we mentioned at the start of this section, workplace romances are complicated—as well as being common and easily
accessible. Rules on workplace romance are company-specific. Some employers ban interoffice dating altogether, while others
allow dating so long as there is not a power dynamic at play, such as a manager dating a subordinate for example (Noguchi, 2020).
In addition, employees should be aware that even if their employer does not have a strict ban on co-worker romance, they still must
follow general HR guidelines for the workspace. It is important to consider the threat of a perceived quid pro quo, where one
employee asks for something in return for a favor. Mirande Valbrune, a Miami employment attorney, suggests always being explicit
that it is safe for another to say “no” to any advances, like grabbing coffee or going out to dinner (Noguchi, 2020).
Moving forward, it is important for you to understand your workplace policies on relationships between co-workers, set very clear
boundaries with those whom you work with, and assess your risk/reward factor before engaging in any kind of romantic
relationship at work.
Mentors and/or Supervisors
Figure 12.3.5 : Two employees giving a high-five by krakenimages on Unsplash

In addition to friendships and romantic relationships, we can also build relationships with mentors and/or supervisors. These
workplace relationships can help us grow, achieve upward mobility, and provide us with some emotional support in our careers
(University of California, Davis, 2019; Kram & Isabella, 1985). To frame and focus this section of our chapter, we will define
mentors and supervisors as follows:
A mentor is a more experienced colleague who provides guidance, knowledge, and support for the purpose of the advancement
of a less experienced colleague (Bauer, 1999).
A supervisor is charged with managing others’ performance, including conducting performance evaluations, while also serving
as an educator, sponsor, coach, counselor, and director (UHR Employee Development, n.d.).
Let’s begin by talking about why we would want to build interpersonal relationships with mentors and/or supervisors at work. First,
we know that trust is important to creating and maintaining relationships. Studies show that organizations with trusting
relationships between management and employees gain advantages that organizations without these relationships do not (Hosmer,
1995; Argyris, 1964). For example, in the restaurant industry, trust between supervisors and employees is related to success in
sales, profits, and lower employee turnover (Davis, et al., 2000). Furthermore, managers whose employees trust them were
perceived more favorably in terms of their abilities, goodwill, and integrity (Davis, et al., 2000). A supervisor can act as a mentor
by providing both professional guidance and emotional support (Kram & Isabella, 1985). Though not all supervisors serve as
mentors, Bell (1996) argues that when supervisors act as mentors, the beneficiaries include the mentor, mentee, and the
organization itself.
 Mentoring
Figure 12.3.6 : Two women working together at a computer by Christina @ wocintechchat.com from Unsplash
Why would someone want to engage in a mentoring relationship? According to Kathy Kram in her groundbreaking book
Mentoring at Work, mentoring provides two basic functions for mentees: career and psychosocial. Career functions are what
come to mind for most people when they think about mentoring, because career functions are associated with helping the
mentee “learn the ropes'' in an organization (or a field), with the goal of helping the mentee to climb the corporate ladder.
Mentors can engage in a number of different behaviors to help a mentee advance their career. For example, a mentor can coach
the mentee; a mentor can sponsor the mentee’s advancement by placing them on interesting and challenging projects; a mentor
can help mentee receive recognition and/or ensure the mentee is widely visible; and a mentor can provide the mentee certain
protections from organizational or field-based politics.
To explain how mentor–mentee relationships function from a communication perspective, Pamela Kalbfleisch developed the
mentoring enactment theory. In Kalbfleisch’s theory, the mentor–mentee relationship centers on two people who are joined
together either formally or informally for the explicit purpose of achieving success. While mentees desire mentoring
relationships because of the known value of mentoring on one’s career trajectory, mentors experience inherent costs.
For mentors, there are costs associated with “loss of time spent coaching a protégé, vulnerability through sharing hard-earned
techniques and secrets, and potentially developing difficulties in one’s personal and professional life because of a relationship
with a protégé” (Kalbfleisch, 2002, p. 64). So, why then do mentors opt to enter into mentoring relationships? Mentors have a
variety reasons depending on their own organizational and personal perceptions of mentoring itself. According to
Kalbfleisch (2002) there are four common reasons why people decide to become a mentor: altruism, pay-it-forward,
organizational expectations, or self-interest.
1. Altruism: The mentor may feel some kind of deeply held obligation to help others, so they seek out and enter into
mentoring relationships out of a simple desire to see others grow.
2. Pay-it-forward: The notion of paying-it-forward is based on the idea that the mentor was at one point a mentee, and
they feel a sense of obligation to their own mentor. To pay this debt, they opt to take on mentees. In this sense, the mentor is
paying-it-forward to a new generation of mentees.
3. Organizational expectations: Many organizations have formal mentoring requirements for individuals who reach a certain
seniority stage. Often in these formal mentoring situations, the mentor may not have a choice of mentees. These mentoring
relationships may not be the most effective because the mentor may feel strong-armed into the relationship.
4. Self-interest. Some mentors want a mentee for no other reason than they want someone can help “accomplish outcomes or
for an entourage to follow in one’s wake" (Kalbfleisch, 2002, p. 64).
Attribution
Mentoring and Coaching, Section 7.3 in An Introduction to Organizational Communication with Creative Commons by-nc-sa
3.0.
This page titled 12.3: Types of Workplace Relationships is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Anu
Khanna & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Defining Professionalism
For the rest of this chapter, we will discuss how to communicate professionally, as a means for effective interpersonal
communication in the workplace. We define professionalism in this context as “conducting oneself with responsibility, integrity,
accountability, and excellence. It means communicating effectively and appropriately and always finding a way to be productive”
(US Department of Labor, n.d., p. 114). In this section, we will talk about some ways you can maintain professional interpersonal
relationships through ethics, respect, language, and personal responsibility.
Ethics
Have you ever lied to your boss about being sick so that you didn’t have to go into work? Has a coworker ever taken your ideas and
presented them as their own in a meeting? These are some examples of where interpersonal ethics would come into play at work.
And though ethics is a huge topic, we will share some specific ways that you can practice ethical communication within your
working relationships.
In an empirical survey analysis, Reinsch asserts that a person’s ethical values, beliefs, and behavior may be associated with
variables such as gender, age, and perceptions (Reinsch, 1990, as cited in An Introduction to Organizational Communication, n.d.).
So, how do we see ethical interpersonal communication showing up at work? The “father” of organizational communication, W.
Charles Redding (1996), has prototypes for common behaviors that people frequently view as unethical. We have compiled some
of these common behaviors into Table 12.4.1.
Table 12.4.1 : Common Behaviors Found to Be Unethical
Type of Behavior Characteristics
Abuses power or authority

Coercive Stigmatizes dissentors
Restricts freedom of speech
Attacks others’ self-esteem, reputations, or feelings

Destructive Uses put-downs, backstabbing, and character assassination
Employs so-called truth as a weapon
Willfully perverts the truth to deceive, cheat, or defraud

Deceptive Sends evasive or deliberately misleading or ambiguous messages
Employs bureaucratic euphemisms to cover up the truth
Abuses power or authority

Intrusive Uses hidden cameras
Employs computer technologies to monitor employee behavior
Uses silence and unresponsiveness

Secretive Hoards information
Hides wrongdoing or ineptness
Uses demagoguery
Manipulative/Exploitive Gains compliance by exploiting fear, prejudice, or ignorance
Patronizes or is condescending toward others
Source: By Alex Mata, licensed as CC-BY 4.0. Adapted from W. Charles Redding’s typology of unethical behaviors (1996).
To implore ethical communication strategies at work, we would not only want to avoid the unethical behaviors listed in 12.4.1, but
recognize and address them if used by others. Maintaining a high ethical standard communicates professionalism. Additionally,
setting boundaries that ensure others treat you ethically can help you maintain healthy and respectful interpersonal relationships
with your colleagues.
Showing Respect
When you hear the word respect does Aretha Franklin’s song ring in your ears? Perhaps you remember an exasperated parent
saying, “You don’t have to love my rules, but you do have to respect them.” Interestingly, if you search the Cambridge Dictionary,
you will find several definitions for the word respect. For the purposes of this section, we will use the following: “to accept the
importance of someone's rights or customs and to do nothing that would harm them or cause offense” (Cambridge University Press,
n.d.). Now, because the concept of respect casts such a wide net, we will cover some general principles for respect, as well as some
very general behaviors you can implement when communicating with those at work.
In his award-winning book, The Speed of Trust, Stephen M. R. Covey (2008) identifies showing respect for others as a core
behavior for building trust in workplace relationships. What is so impactful about his outlook on respect is that it stems from
genuine care for others in the form of love, fairness, kindness, and civility for all, even if that person can do nothing for you in
return, and even if the act of respect is small, like genuinely giving a compliment to a colleague (Covey, 2008).
Using Language Appropriately

As you may recall from Chapter 4, symbols are arbitrary representations of thoughts, ideas, emotions, objects, or actions used to
encode and decode meaning (Nelson & Shaw, 2002). The language you use at work can be a reflection of who you are, and how
you feel about others—and it can make lasting impressions on those you communicate with. In the workplace, our language can
reflect professionalism if we use it appropriately. As we look at the use of language in workplace relationships, we will focus on
informal versus formal language and avoiding sexist or biased language.
Informal versus Formal Language
Have you ever received an email without a subject, full of spelling and grammatical errors, and packed with run-on sentences? If
so, you may have made a judgment call about the sender. What if you overheard cursing, or someone in the break room
recounting a wild weekend? Although you may communicate this way with your friends, hearing it at work might catch your
attention in an unfavorable way. Knowing how to formally communicate with colleagues and management is beneficial to your
career, as it clearly defines and establishes authority, improves overall efficiency, reduces the likelihood of mistakes and errors, and
tends to be more credible when sending important messages (Birt, 2021). Although informal language absolutely has its advantages
in particular contexts, formal language is often a safer bet when communicating via email, in meetings, and in our workspaces.
Table 12.4.2 : Using Verbal Language Professionally at Work
Characteristics Example of Informal Language Example of Formal Language
"The new HR system is not up to par with

"The new HR system is not going to fly at this
Slang/colloquialisms industry standards at this time. Therefore, we
time, so we are putting it on the back burner."
will have to wait a bit longer to use it."
"After this chart was modified and uploaded to
"I worked this chart for my records and then I
First-person pronouns the server, it was shared in an email with the
shared it with my team."
Sales Team."
"I will not be able to attend our scheduled
"I won’t be on our Zoom call because I can’t
Contractions Zoom call because I am unable to get out of
get out of a previous scheduled meeting."
another meeting."
Source: By Alex Mata, licensed as CC-BY 4.0

Sexist or Biased Language
In addition to using formal language, you can communicate professionalism at work by avoiding sexist or biased language.
Though much work has been done to reduce the use of once-common terms that communicated things like sexism, racism, and
ageism, we still hear colloquialisms like businessman, handicapped, cake walk, and manpower. (Review Section 8.2: Confirming
and Disconfirming Climates for a discussion of people-first language.) To maintain a sense of professionalism at work, it is
important to examine our language and ensure that we do not offend others or show bias. Though we all have work to do, being
aware and actively trying to get better is of great value to your workplace.
Personal Responsibility
Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes—and the sooner we can all admit to those mistakes, the easier it might be for us to move
forward after mistakes happen. Additionally, showing grace is a great way to build an interpersonal relationship. Stephen M. R.
Covey (2008) explains two behaviors that can help build trust: practicing accountability and righting wrongs. Essentially, to build
and maintain healthy relationships, you take responsibility for your mistakes, you don’t point fingers or try to blame others, you
apologize quickly, and you make restitution whenever possible.
There are many ways to take personal responsibility, but to help give us some context about how to get started here are some
suggestions.
How to Take Responsibility

Step Examples
You make your own choices and take your own actions
Acknowledge Your feelings are yours, nobody else’s
Your behaviors at work are your responsibility
You cannot control how others respond to you, only how you respond
Accept Others may not see things the way you do
You may never get the answer or response you hope for
Where to invest your time and energy
Decide When to respond
How you want to show up at work
Table 12.4.3 by Alex Mata is licensed as CC-BY 4.0. adapted from Stephen M. R. Covey (2008).
Related to taking responsibility is making excuses. According to Amy Nordrum (2014) in a Psychology Today article, making
excuses after making a mistake is common, but not always well-received. However, she notes that in some cases, making excuses
—if done correctly—can help convey empathy and show your colleagues that you are listening to their concerns (Nordrum, 2014).
She developed the ERROR method as a guide to formulating excuses.
 The ERROR Method
Empathy: "I can see how that would have been bothersome and I would have felt the same way.”
Responsibility: "I did say that and I apologize for the impact it had on you.”
Reason: "I wrote this quickly and should have taken the time to review it’s potential impact.”
Offer Reassurance: "I will work to be better."
Attribution
By Alex Mata, licensed as CC-BY 4.0. Adapted from Nordstrom (2014).
This page titled 12.4: A Guide to Communicating Professionally in Workplace Relationships is shared under a not declared license and was
authored, remixed, and/or curated by Anu Khanna & Alex Mata (ASCCC Open Educational Resources Initiative (OERI)) .
Setting—and Crossing—Boundaries
Boundaries can be used as “gateways” into different domains of our lives (Matthews, et al., 2010) that create “physical, temporal,
emotional, cognitive, and/or relational limits” (Ashforth, et al., 2000, p. 474). That is, we create boundaries to funnel behaviors
and/or actions that we allow in or not, based on the person, location, context, and more in our relationships with others. Setting
boundaries can be challenging, as boundaries are defined as “the never-ending, hands-on, largely visible process through which
boundaries are negotiated, placed, maintained, and transformed by individuals over time” (Nippert-Eng, 1996, xiii). Trefalt (2013)
argues that boundaries are a fundamentally relational process, and that you cannot neglect the relational context of boundaries, as
the past, consequences, and experiences as those involved must be factored into the equation. In this section, we will briefly cover
examples where boundaries were crossed in the workplace.
Interpersonal relationships at work sometimes cross boundaries. We want to acknowledge that building mutual interpersonal
relationships at your workplace does not include taking part in harassment of any kind, stereotyping others, or otherwise violating
the explicit boundaries of others. We also would like to provide some context as to how common some harmful interpersonal
communication exchanges are in our workspaces, hoping to shed light on how to sight and identify and then, hopefully, eliminate
them from your interpersonal exchanges (US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 2021).
Harassment and Biases

As we discussed earlier in this chapter, mutual workplace relationships are common. However, there are instances when workplace
relationships occur that are very much one-sided, unwelcome, and unwanted by the receiving party. Here, we will focus on
interpersonal communication patterns of harassment and biases in the workplace.
 How to Overcome Our Biases

To learn more about biases, check out diversity advocate Vernā Myers’ TED Talk: How to overcome our biases? Walk boldly
can learn how to examine our
toward them. You may also read the transcript. According to Myers, we
subconscious attitudes toward out-groups and then move toward, not away from, those that
make us feel uncomfortable.
Figure 12.5.1 : Brain Crying by Gaspar Uhas on Unsplash

It is helpful to understand the definitions of harassment and bias. For our purposes. harassment is defined by Cornell Law School
as
offensive, unwelcome conduct based on the victim's protected characteristic, that is so severe or pervasive that it affects the
terms and conditions of the victim's employment. Harassment may take the form of words, actions, gestures, demands, or
visual displays, such as photographs or cartoons. (Legal Information Institute, 2021, para. 1)
This can be present across interpersonal relationships at work. According to the U.S. Equal Opportunity Commission (2021) the
harasser can be “the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, an agent of the employer, a co-worker, or a non-employee”
and “the victim does not have to be the person harassed but can be anyone affected by the offensive conduct” (para. 6).
Bias has more nuanced definitions: explicit bases are understood as overt prejudices and attitudes about a group, like racism or
misogyny, while unconscious and implicit biases are deeply held beliefs about others that may unconsciously drive attitudes and
behavior (Rimnac, 2020). These exchanges can manifest in the form of verbal and nonverbal actions directed towards others
(Bouckenooghe, et al. 2015).
Harassment and biases can take many forms; in this section we just scratch the surface of some of the most reported and researched
facets of these areas.
Sexual Harassment in the Workplace

The US Equal Employment Opportunities Commission defines sexual harassment as
unwelcome sexual advances, request for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature constitutes
sexual harassment when this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes
with an individual’s work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment. (2021)
Given this definition, have you ever felt harassed at work? Did you say something? Did you ignore it? Did you make an official
report?
Figure 12.5.2 : Women talking in a Boardroom by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

In 2020 the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission received 6,587 sexual harassment claims. Of those claims, 16.8%
were made by men (US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 2021). Research finds that men are the most common
perpetrators of sexual harassment. Although men do harass other men, women are the most common targets (Cortina & Berdahl,
2008). Further research reveals that Black women are particularly vulnerable to sexual harassment and sexual violence, over any
other group (Barlow, 2020; Shaw, et al., 2018). Brassel (2020) found that this pattern may be caused by the masculine structures
and hierarchy present in Western culture.
Sexual harassment causes problems within an organization by lowering the quality of the organizational lives of female employees
and creating obstacles that prevent employees from fully engaging with their organization (McDonald et al., 2011). Additionally,
studies argue that sexual harassment creates professional, psychological, and physical health problems for those involved (National
Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, 2018). Statistics also suggest that “only a small number of those who
experience harassment (one in ten) ever formally report”—and the most common reason for this silence is for fear of retaliation
(Shaw, et al., 2018, p. 2).
Racial and Gender Biases
Although biases are not as obvious as harassment, we know that they are rampant across the workspace, from large to small
organizations, from executives to entry-level employees, and in both private and public sectors (Bielby, 2000). Athough biases can
target any facet of another’s identity, we will focus on racial and gender bias. Researchers have struggled to determine how
harmful or costly biases are because they are hard to measure. Though some gender bias, like harassment, has been measured and
studied, more subtle gender bias barriers, like the "glass cliff," when women are placed in positions of power while things are going
poorly, other biases may not be recognized, obvious, or even called out (Stuart, 2018). We know from surveying the research that
biases in the workplace impact the way we communicate with others.
In gender-bias research by Glass and Cook (2016) 97% of respondents said they worry about how they come off to others when
exercising authority, 87% downplay their accomplishments to others, and 66% make less money than their male counterparts.
Research has found that companies without women in top leadership roles can hurt their sales and profitability (Glass & Cook,
2016).
So how can we help combat interpersonal communication patterns of harassment and bias? First, we need to recognize them and
acknowledge them in our place of work. Next, we can report them through the proper channels. Per most HR policy violations,
sexual harassment can be reported by those who are not the victim of the harassment (EEOC, 2021). And lastly, we can help
prevent or mitigate them from happening in the first place.
 Note
Figure $\PageIndex{3}$: Student Biting a Pencil in Frustration Looking at Laptop by JESHOOTS.COM on

Unsplash
An individual can become more self-aware of our own implicit biases through tools like the Harvard IATs. We can also sign up
for and engage in professional development opportunities that talk about such matters. Many HR Departments offer some
regular training on sexual harassment. And with implicit and unconscious bias gaining some traction, many organizations are
bringing in guest speakers, or even consultants, to address common issues in our workplace.
12.5: Boundaries at Work is shared under a not declared license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by LibreTexts.
Summary
In this chapter, we discussed why organizational relationships are particularly salient and explored the types of workplace
relationships that you will encounter during your career. It is important for you to learn how to navigate relationships such as
friendships, romantic relationships, and relationships with your peers and supervisors in a communicatively competent way, so that
you can build trust and demonstrate your abilities in order to be successful at work.
We also introduced you to some of the different types of boundaries you need to be aware of as you interact with others in the
workplace. It is important to be aware of what is considered sexual harassment and how biases such as gender bias may operate and
influence the perceptions that others have of you.
Finally, when we think about communicating at work, we need to understand that communicating professionally is of utmost
importance. We have to develop our skills in communicating ethically across all contexts and relationships and in using language
appropriately for the different communication modalities we find ourselves in. We also have to make sure that we take personal
responsibility when communicating with others so that we are seen as trustworthy and competent in the workplace. By
demonstrating our communication competence in the workplace, we can find opportunities for personal growth and success.
1. What workplace relationships do you find to be the most challenging to initiate and maintain?
2. Which types of workplace relationships do you find to be easiest to maintain?
3. To what extent have you ever been on the receiving end of experiencing sexual harassment or other biases? How did you
respond?
4. What is the most important skill that you want to practice when it comes to communicating professionally?
This page titled 12.6: Summary and Review is shared under a CC BY 4.0 license and was authored, remixed, and/or curated by Anu Khanna &
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Index
A disconfirming climates M
appreciative listening 8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates message
6.3: Functions of Listening discriminative listening 1.4: Models of Communication
6.3: Functions of Listening microaggressions
B 3.5: Stereotyping, Microaggressions, and Bias
bullying E mindfulness
8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates emotional contagion 6.1: Introduction to Listening
11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in 2.4: Communicating the Self
Relationships ethnocentrism O
4.3: Language Barriers obliging style
C evaluative listening 9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes
cancel culture 6.3: Functions of Listening olfactics
11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in 5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication
Relationships F
catfishing
face blindness P
3.3: Perception Process - Part 3 (Interpretation) phubbing
chronemics
G proxemics
communication apprehension
gaslighting 5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication
communication climate
R
comprehensive listening
H reflected appraisal
haptics 2.3: Forming the Self
confirming climates
high context communication S
8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying saving face
conflict Confirming and Disconfirming Responses
8.1: Introduction to Communication Climate 9.2: Interpersonal Conflict Defined
hyperpersonal communication
8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates sexting
8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying 11.5: The Dark Side of Social Media
Confirming and Disconfirming Responses
social aggression
8.5: Skills to Support Confirming Communication
I 11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in
Climates integrating style Relationships
8.6: Summary and Review 9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes social media
conflict management 11.5: The Dark Side of Social Media
9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes K stereotyping
contempt kinesics 3.5: Stereotyping, Microaggressions, and Bias
9.4: Conflict Management Style 5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication stonewalling
criticism 9.4: Conflict Management Style
9.4: Conflict Management Style L symbolic interactionism
cyberbullying language barrier 2.3: Forming the Self
cyberstalking listening V
6.1: Introduction to Listening verbal abuse
listening style 11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in
D 6.3: Functions of Listening Relationships
DARVO low context communication vocalics
11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in 8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying 5.5: The Channels of Nonverbal Communication
Relationships Confirming and Disconfirming Responses
defensiveness
Glossary
Sample Word 1 | Sample Definition 1
Glossary
Attending messages | Messages that indicate Communication Accommodation Theory |
ABC Model | Reappraisal method that start with recognition and confirmation of another person’s focuses on the ways in which individuals adjust their
isolating the activating event that causes an irrational communication with others to meet the audience
existence. [Reitzel and Yee]
belief, adjusting emotional responses and expectations [N.A.]
consequences of that event, and adjust emotional Attribution | “the interpretive process by which
outcomes [Turner, 2016] people make judgments about the causes of their own Communication apprehension (“CA”) | is the
behavior and the behavior of others” [Mata & Altman] hesitancy or discomfort surrounding our
Abstract language | When we lack clarity or use communication events. [N.A.]
language that is culturally bound or ambiguous [N.A.] Avoiding | consists of physical and emotional
evasion of topics, situations, and people that evoke Communication Climate | The overall feeling or
Accenting | A form of nonverbal communication conflict. This approach is categorized by a low concern emotional mood between people [Wood (2015)]
that emphasizes a word or part of a message. for self and low concern for others [Rahim, 1983a]
Communicators | Rather than identifying the
Accepting messages | Strongest type of Back-Channel Cues | Verbal or nonverbal forms individual parties as sender and receiver, the
confirming messages that acknowledges a person’s transactional model simply refers to the parties
of feedback that indicate we are listening. [Leonard]
feelings as valid through agreement and/or showing involved as communicators. [N.A.]
support. [Reitzel and Yee] Bald-face Lies | Type of deception that involves an
outright falsification of information complementing | Nonverbal behavior that is used
Action-Oriented Listener | This type of listening in combination with the verbal portion of the message
style is primarily interested in finding out what the Beltlining | An unproductive response to conflict to emphasize the meaning of the entire message.
speaker wants [N.A.] that refers to a boxing move that means to hit below
the belt. In terms of conflict, it refers to using intimate Comprehensive Listening | The type of listening
Activating Event | The event that occurred prior to information against each other to cause hurt and anger. we engage in with the goal of understanding
an emotion being experienced [N.A.] information. [Leonard]
[N.A.]
Active Listening | Requires purposefully focusing Bias | relates to our preferences and worldview Comprehensive Listening | The type of listening
on what a speaker is saying with the objective of we engage in with the goal of understanding
[N.A.]
understanding. [N.A.] information [Leonard]
Big Five Personality Traits | Five major
Affect Displays | Nonverbals that show feelings dimensions of personality composed of Emotional Compromising | consists of medium concern for
and emotions. Stability/Neuroticism, Conscientiousness, Openness to self and medium concern for others. This approach
affection | intimate or physical desire for recognition Experience, Agreeableness, and Extraversion [N.A.] involves finding a middle ground in the conflict
and appreciation. situation [Rahim, 1983a]
Blame | An unproductive response to conflict where
Affirming messages | Going beyond affirming one tries to place responsibility for the conflict on the Computer Mediated Communication |
messages, affirming messages also convey our interest other party. communication via electronic means [N.A.]
and concern for the other party. [Reitzel and Yee] Concrete language | specific in language;
Boundaries | Expectations and limitations we define
Aggression | “directed toward damaging another’s in order to have meaningful relationships that suit our dictionary definition language [N.A.]
self-esteem, social status, or both, and may take direct needs, and to ensure relationships stay within the Confidence/Romance Fraud | An individual
forms such as verbal rejection, negative facial appropriate category of personal or social. believes they are in a relationship (family, friendly, or
expressions or body movements, or more indirect Bracketing | refers to a constructive conflict romantic) and are tricked into sending money, personal
forms such as slanderous rumors or social exclusion” strategy that involves breaking down the conflict into and financial information, or items of value to the
[Galen & Underwood, 1997, p. 589] smaller more manageable parts [N.A.] perpetrator or to launder money or items to assist the
Aggressive Listening | An ineffective listening perpetrator. This includes the Grandparent’s Scheme
Bullying | Unwanted, aggressive behavior… that and any scheme in which the perpetrator preys on the
practice where individuals listen specifically so that
involves a real or perceived power imbalance; a form complainant’s “heartstrings”. [(FBI IC3, 2020)]
they can attack back. [Leonard]
of aggression among peers, can encompass physical,
Agreeableness | the habit of being kind, verbal and social aggression [ASPA, 2021] Confirmation bias | When we seek out behaviors
compassionate, warm and cooperative. [N.A.] in accordance with our perceptions of personality
Burnout | Emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, characteristics. Once someone acts on our beliefs of
Amygdala | a small peanut-shaped part of the and decreased sense of accomplishment in the what that person’s personality traits are we tend to see
brainstem that plays a complex role in “vigilance and workplace [Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019] their actions as fitting into those characteristics. [N.A.]
arousal, as well as ambiguity processing” [Pessoa
Cancel Culture | actions people take to hold others Confirming climate | Messages that show we are
(2011)]
accountable; has evolved to include public shaming, valued from those with whom we have a relationship
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style | The callouts, and other forms of public backlash [Vogels, [Reitzel]
pattern for this attachment style produces adults who E. A., Anderson, M., Porteus, M., Baronavski, C.,
have negative thoughts of themselves, but positive Atske, S., McClain, C., Auxier, B., Perrin, A., & Conflict | Interpersonal conflict occurs when two or
thoughts of others. In this attachment style the Ramshankar, M. (2021, May 19).] more interdependent parties perceive and experience a
caregiver is inconsistent in their treatment of the child. struggle over incompatible goals, scarce resources,
Channel | How a message moves from one interference from others in achieving their goals
[Leonard]
communicator to another, through different mediums [(Hocker & Wilmot, 2018)]
Appraisal | Our internal communication creating an of communication that extend the richness or leanness
opinion, interpreting, judging, and responding to an of the message. [N.A.] Conflict management | Conflict management is
event [Lumen, n.d.] the process of trying to find effective strategies to
Chronemics | The study of time and how it is minimize and solve problems associated with different
Appreciative Listening | Listening for perceived and used. conflict goals [N. A.]
enjoyment. This is considered the easiest of all
Cognitive Conservatism | The phenomenon of Conflict negotiation | Refers to a formal or
listening functions. [Leonard]
seeking out and noticing information which conforms informal process that individuals use to find a mutually
Assertiveness | Refers to a direct communication to our existing self-concept. [Kicenski and Leonard] agreeable solution to a problem [N.A.]
style in which participants stand up for themselves Collectivism | Cultural practice where people tend
while respecting the other person. Conscientiousness | Aspects of personality related
to put the group needs before individual needs in to the individual working towards characteristics and
Attachment Theory | Theory which explains exchange for loyalty and expect their ingroups will having them as a goal to achieve the outcome [N.A.]
early attachments of children to primary caregivers. take care of them. Collectivism exists on a continuum
[Leonard and Kicenski] of collectivism and individualism. Please see the Constructive feedback | Providing people with
definition on Individualism. [Hofstede, 2001] timely and meaningful information regarding strengths
Attending | In the listening process, filtering out and weaknesses in their work performance as well as
what is salient; noticeable or important in a way that is Communication | Communication involves the concrete steps for improving any areas of weakness
similar to selecting during the perception process. intentional and unintentional, conscious and thus fostering personal and professional growth
[Leonard] unconscious sending, receiving, and responding of
verbal and nonverbal messages. [Encarnacion]
Contempt | extreme dislike of another person and Discriminative Listening | A unique function of Empathetic listening | When we try to feel what
may include negative verbal and nonverbal listening that occurs during the receiving stage of the another person is feeling and can be considered the
expressions towards another person [Gottman, 2014] listening process and involves the ability to discern most challenging of all listening functions. [Leonard]
sounds [Leonard]
Content goal | Content or topic goals refer to what Empathy | Listening for understanding of the other
we want and need for both our day-to-day and long- Disfluencies | The use of non-grammatical sounds person’s feelings and/or emotion with the goal of
term life. [N. A.] such as pauses. validating. Empathic listening is a higher-level
listening and therefore requires more energy. [N/A]
Content-Oriented Listening | A listening style Dismissive Attachment Style | Caregiving by
interested in the message itself, whether it makes parents is experienced by a child as lacking in interest Encoding | Occurs when an individual constructs a
sense, what it means, and whether it’s accurate [N. A.] or focused on caregiver’s needs as opposed to the message using symbols. [N.A.]
child’s. Findings suggest that those who adopt this
Contradicting | When verbal and nonverbal style of attachment cultivate a positive view of
Environmental Context | Includes the setting,
messages are incongruent, we tend to believe the the circumstance, the situation, etc. that influence
themselves, but a negative view of others. [Leonard]
nonverbal communication over verbal communication. communication [N.A.]
Disparaging messages | Aggressive messages
Control messages | are meant to coerce rather than showing discord and disgust [Reitzel and Yee] Equivocation | when we use ambiguous or abstract
persuade relational partners to an action [N.A.] language rather than concrete and specific language.
Dispute irrational beliefs | Without invalidating [N.A.]
Counterpunch | A defensive response to conflict our feelings, we monitor debilitative emotions in order
whereby rather than responding to the initial topic of
to take control of our emotions [N.A.]
Ethnocentrism | when we unconsciously tend to
conflict, the other party responds by sharing their own, see the world through our own cultural lens and judge
often unrelated criticism [N.A.] Disregarding messages | Messages that convey to others’ behaviors by the standards we hold and fail to
the other person they are unimportant or even perspective take or see things from another’s
Criticism | when we publicly or privately call out nonexistent. [Reitzel and Yee] perspective [N.A.]
someone’s faults in a negative manner [Gottman,
2014] Dogmatism | when we use emotional justification Evaluating | The stage of listening where one
rather than evidence-based justification [Harrison, assesses the validity and credibility of the message.
Cultural Context | Includes our learned 2021] [Leonard]
perceptions of the world that influence our beliefs,
values, and ultimately our behaviors. [N.A.] Dominating | when we focus on our own needs at Evaluative Listening | Is a listening function
the expense of others. This approach is competitive in which fulfills the goal of analysis and evaluation of
Cultural display rules | distinct differences that nature, with a win-lose orientation to conflict [Rahim, messages. [Leonard]
are cultural rules that govern interpretations of and
1983a]
display of emotions [N.A.] External Distractions | A directation that comes
Double bind | At times, an individual’s nonverbal from the physical environment that involves any
Cultural empathy | “the perception of the needs of communication contradicts verbal communication. visual, auditory, or other sensorial elements within the
others, as well as the knowledge of their cultural space that captures your attention. [N.A.]
specificities” [Gonçalves, Sousa, Arasaratnam-Smith, Downers | Also known as ego busters, downers are
Rodrigues, & Carvalheiro, 2020, p. 246] people who communicate negatively about us and our Extraversion | how outgoing or sociable a person
worth [Wood (2017) Leonard and Kicenski] is. [N.A.]
Cultural racism | “cultural images and messages
that affirm the assumed superiority of Whites and the Duchenne smile | A spontaneous smile that turns Face | Refers to the positive social impression we
assumed inferiority of people of color” [Tatum, 2017, into a smile of genuine enjoyment. would like to make on others. [Ting-Toomey, 1988]
p. 86]
Eavesdropping | Eavesdropping is an ineffective Face | how we present ourselves to others and how
Culture | a group of people who share values, listening practice that involves a strategic attempt to we are seen by others [N.A.]
beliefs, norms, and a common language. Due to this listen to a conversation that you are not a part of.
shared way of thinking and behaving, people from the [Leonard] Face | Refers to the positive social impression we
same culture often share similar perspectives on the would like present during social interactions. [Oetzel
world. [Altman & Mata] Emblems | Gestures that correspond to a word or an & Ting-Toomey, 2003]
agreed-on meaning.
Cyberbullying | Using forms of electronic Face Blindness | Known in the medical literature as
communication to send, post, or share negative,
Emotion states | Exist in small “windows'' of time prosopagnosia, people who have this condition have
and experiencing them less dependent on our difficulty seeing the face of another person and
“harmful, false, or mean content about someone else”
personality than emotion traits [N.A.] connecting that with a name or personality. [Altman &
[ASPA, 2021]
Mata]
Debilitative Emotions | tend to be emotions that Emotion traits | are connected to our personality
stop or slow us down from tasks or functioning
and demonstrate our habitual and prolonged set of Face Negotiation Theory | Describes the use of
“base-line” emotions. [N.A.] communication to maintain and negotiate an
effectively. [N.A.]
individual’s presentation of face and that culture
Deception by Commission | is when we Emotional Awareness | the conscious influences the way we handle conflict because of our
deliberately communicate false information understanding and recognition of one's own and others face concerns, cultural background, and situational
emotions [Agnoli et. al, 2019; Alegre, Pérez-Escoda, factors. [Oetzel & Ting-Toomey’s, 2003]
Deception by Omission | involves intentionally López-Cassá, 2019]
holding back some of the information another person Facework | Describes the communicative behavior
has requested or you are expected to share
Emotional contagion | when we are exposed to we use, both verbal and nonverbal, to enact and
other individuals' emotions during social interactions,
maintain our own presenting image or that of another.
Decoding | Happens when someone attempts to and those emotions become “contagious” [N.A.]
[Kicenski and Leonard]
interpret the message. [N.A.]
Emotional Contagion | A phenomenon which Facial Action Coding System (FACS) | A
Defensive Listening | The ineffective listening suggests that as people express their emotional states, coding system that analyzes specific facial muscle
practice you perceive an attack where one does not others around them are likely to “catch” those states. movement associated with specific emotions.
really exist [Leonard] In other words, emotions may be transferred from one
person to another. [Kicenski and Leonard (Goleman, Facilitative Emotions | tend to be emotions that
Defensiveness | the perception of threat or 1995)] do not negatively impact us from the daily tasks or
threatening behavior [Gibbs, 1965]
functions of our lives, and allow us to progress
Emotional Intelligence (“EI”) | measures our
Defensiveness (Gottman Method) | When one ability to process emotions and emotional information
forward in a positive way. [N.A.]
tries to protect themselves by making excuses, denying
[Alegre, Pérez-Escoda, López-Cassá, 2019] family | the people who raised you from childhood
responsibility, blaming and or accusing the other
through adolescence, whether there is a biological
person, justifying their behavior, or offering a counter- Emotional Labor | the expectation to manage connection or not.
criticism. [Gottman, 2014] emotions in certain environments, including
professional environments. [N.A.] Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style | When a
Denouncing messages | The worst form of child experiences physical or emotional cruelty or the
disconfirmation by excluding, banishing, or even Emotions | Emotions are constituted by a process of “care” they receive is life threatening, these
shunning people on purpose. categorizing the self as being in an emotional state. individuals grow up with a negative view of
They are a cluster of events with unclear boundaries themselves and others. [Leonard and Kicenski]
Disconfirming Climate | Messages that suggest and no single cause. [Pober, 2018, p. 640 Russell,
we are devalued and unimportant [Reitzel]
2012, p. 140]
Feedback | A verbal or nonverbal response to a Identity Management | A dramaturgical Intersectionality | Aspects of our identities,
communication message. [N.A.] theorization about how we attempt to “form” self and including race, gender, sexuality etc. which may
simultaneously influence others’ perspectives of the overlap to enable privilege or disprivilege in our
Fight or Flight Mode | This acute response self we perform. [Kicenski and Leonard] everyday lives. [Kicenski and Leonard (Crenshaw,
increases our heart rate and blood flow, dilates the
1995)]
pupils, and increases overall energy. When in fight or Identity Needs | Communication is critical to our
flight, it is nearly impossible to breathe deeply, think identity. Our sense of who we are is a reflection of Intersectionality | how the different parts of our
through possibilities, and make unbiased judgments. how others see us [N.A.] identities, including race, gender, age, sexuality,
The goal is survival. [Altman & Mata] ability, etc. play a role in power, privilege, and the way
Identity Scripts | Social expectations regarding we are treated and function in our everyday lives.
Force | An unproductive conflict response that refers how members of a particular group behave and [Altman]
to using physical pressure to exert control in conflict communicate as a part of their social identity. [Wood,
exchanges. It can include both force directed at 2017 Leonard and Kicenski] Irrational beliefs | Beliefs that are proliferating
inanimate objects or physical assault at another person. negative emotion [N.A.]
Illustrators | Nonverbals used to help emphasize or
Friendship | a close relationship with a person explain an idea. Jealousy | The emotions that are mixed in with your
where you have a common interest or connection. relational experience, such as hurt, anger, and fear
Implicit Bias | when people favor one group over
Fundamental Attribution Error | an essential another, in thoughts and actions, however they are Kinesics | The study of “body language.”
human tendency to attribute another’s behavior to unaware that this bias exists. [Altman & Mata]
internal, rather than external, factors [Ross (1977)]
Kitchen-sinking | An unproductive response to
Indifference | occurs when we show a lack of conflict where one brings up past conflicts, even those
Gaslighting | When one twists and exploits their caring or connection to the other person(s) and/or the resolved, as a way to gain leverage in the conflict. [N.
victim's words, emotions, and experiences to make content of the message [N.A.] A.]
them feel like they’re imagining or exaggerating what
happened.
Individualism | Refers to cultural preferences for Labeling | An unproductive response to conflict
individuality, autonomy. Individualism exists on a which occurs when you assign negative terms to the
Gender Fluidity | A person who does not identify continuum of collectivism and individualism. Please other person’s behavior, causing you to view the
with a single fixed gender or has a fluid or unfixed see the definition on Collectivism. [Hofstede, 2001] person through the lense of the label.
gender identity. [Kicenski and Leonard These updated
definitions come from HRC.org] Indulgence versus Restraint Dimension | The Listening | An active process where we make sense
level to which a culture embodies the goals and virtues of, interpret, and respond to the messages we receive.
Gender Identity | One’s innermost concept of self of personal happiness. A culture that is indulgent will [Leonard]
as male, female, a blend of both or neither – how be focused on individual satisfaction through leisure
individuals perceive themselves and what they call and personal freedom. A culture that values restraint
Listening Style | A set of attitudes and beliefs
about listening” [Floyd, 1985]
themselves. One's gender identity can be the same or emphasizes self control and strict social norms, where
different from their sex assigned at birth. [Kicenski individual freedoms like leisure are not valued as Long-term versus short-term orientation
and Leonard These updated definitions come from much as hard work and dedication. [Encarnacion] Index | The positionality of a culture’s understanding
HRC.org] of time being future-oriented or present-oriented. A
Inferior Comparison | Comparisons made by a
culture with long-term orientation will be focused on
Gestures | Arm and hand movements that include person between themselves and others wherein they
instilling value in generational wisdom of elders, long
adaptors, emblems, and illustrators. are less worthy [Kicenski and Leonard]
term relationships, and persistence as a key in goal
Gossip | talking about people who aren’t present Information Overload | When you have so much achievement. A culture with short-term time
[Robbins & Karan, 2019] information coming at you it’s easy to become orientation focuses on short term goals, having high
overwhelmed [N.A.] respect for past traditions, and creating quick and
Gratitude | Showing validating or confirming efficient results. [Encarnacion]
messages [N.A.] Insensitive Listening | An ineffective listening
practice that focuses only on the content level of Longevity of emotion | When an emotion to be
Gunnysacking | An unproductive conflict response meaning, without exploring the type of nonverbal cues part of a person’s mindset and way of thinking [N.A.]
of storing up one’s grievances and unloading them all
that accompany the message, [Leonard]
at once at a later date on the other party. Lose-lose | A lose-lose outcome occurs when neither
Instrumental needs | are those we engage in to party achieves their goals or both parties are
Halo Effect | occurs when initial positive complete daily tasks dissatisfied with the conflict outcome [Spangler, 2003]
perceptions lead us to view later interactions as
positive. The horn effect occurs when initial negative Integrating | Integrating, also known as Low Self-Monitors | A low persistence of reading
perceptions lead us to view later interactions as collaborating, consists of problem-solving, open the emotions or mental states of others.
negative [Hargie (2011)] communication, direct confrontation of conflict,
Low-context communication | Communication
assertiveness, and cooperation [Rahim, 2010, Kilman
Haptics | The study of communication by touch. & Thomas, 1977)]
that involves more direct and explicit messages
because there is a lack of shared meaning. [Reitzel]
Hate Speech | abhorrent messages used to hurt, Intercultural Communication | A form of
incite violence, and inflict psychological harm Managing our emotions | when we are feeling
communication that shares information across different
[ŞtefÃniÞÃ & Buf, 2021] our emotions and we are in control of how we are
cultures and social groups. [Stokes-Rice, 2019]
reacting to them given our surroundings [Learning,
Hearing | The physiological process of taking in Interdependent | which means that we mutually n.d.]
sound. [Leonard] affect each other [N.A.]
Manipulation | An unproductive conflict strategy
High Self-Monitoring | A high persistence of Internal Distractions | Internal thoughts or includes one party being extremely charming and
reading the emotions or mental states of others. maybe even generous to help sway the conflict
feelings that direct you from hearing a message [N.A.]
[Leonard and Kicenski] outcome in their direction [N. A.]
Interpersonal Communication | Interpersonal
High-context communication | Communication communication is defined as the process of Marginalized people | people that are excluded
that tends to be more indirect and implicit because communicating between two people and how we send and discriminated against due to their group
communicators have a common history with shared and receive messages from others given our internal membership [N.A.]
meanings, routines, and rituals. [Reitzel] perceptions, emotions, and unique contexts.
[Encarnacion]
Mask | our presenting self that we use to conceal
Ideal Self | A standard of personal aspiration related certain aspects of ourselves [N.A.]
to physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual hopes or
Interpreting | Integrating both visual and auditory Mentor | a more experienced colleague who provide
wishes a person may have. [Kicenski and Leonard]
cues to make sense of, or attribute meaning, to what
guidance, knowledge, and support for the purpose of
Identity goals | Identity goals refer to the image we we hear [Leonard]
the advancement of a less experienced colleague
would like to present to the world. Conflict over
Interrupting | The ineffective listening practice of [Bauer, 1999]
identity goals can occur when our public image is
unintentionally or intentionally delaying or preventing
threatened and we do not feel valued in an interaction, Message | The meaning or content one
communication. [Leonard]
relationship, or specific setting communicator is attempting to get the other to
understand. [N.A.]
Microaggressions | a statement or action that is Pace | How quickly a person utters words. Reflected Appraisal | A process of forming self in
made by a person with more power and privilege and which we internalize others’ views of who we are.
delivered to a person who has less power and
People-Oriented Listeners | A listening style in [Mead, 1934 Kicenski and Leonard]
which a person tunes into other people’s emotions,
privilege. [Altman]
feelings, and moods [Bodie and Worthington,2010] Regulating | Nonverbal behavior that controls the
Mindfulness | Being present in the moment and flow of communication.
focusing on the communicative event you are Perceived Self | Describes the person you believe
participating in. [Leonard] yourself to be. [Kicenski and Leonard] Regulators | Gestures that help coordinate the flow
of conversation, such as when you shrug your
Mindfulness | refers to being present in the Personal Rejection | An unproductive conflict shoulders or wink.
response that occurs when one party in the conflict
moment, with increased awareness of your thoughts,
feelings, and communication behaviors.
withholds love, affection, and attention from the other Relational context | When we communicate there
party in hope that the rejected party will give in. is a relational component involved that affects various
Monitor our emotional reactions | When we aspects of the interaction including the message we
are cognitively aware of the motion we are Personality | a relatively fixed set of characteristics send, the way we send it, and how the other person
experiencing [N.A.] based on our lived experience and our genetic make-up receives and interprets the message. [N.A.]
[N.A.]
Monochronic time | Values punctuality and Relational goals | Relational goals refer to our
precise calculations of time.
Phubbing | (PHone + snUBBING) occurs when we preferences in our relationships and what outcomes are
“snub” or ignore others by giving our attention to our
important. It helps define our preferences for
Muted group theory (“MGT”) | studies the electronic devices
relationship outcomes. [N.A.]
differences in dominant and subdominant groups and
explains how subdominant groups have less power and
Physical Needs | are those that keep our mind and Repeating | It is a nonverbal action that mirrors the
body functioning
access than the dominant group. [Barkman, 2018] direct verbal message.
Narcissistic Listening | An ineffective listening Physiological Noise | Any physical distraction that Responding | Sending verbal and nonverbal
practice that involves self-centered and self-absorbed prevents us from taking in our communication feedback to a message. [Leonard]
listening in which listeners try to make the interaction partners’ messages [N.A.]
about them. [McCornack, 2019] Reverse Mentoring | Younger workers who are
Pitch | How harmonically high or low you say more adept at using social media and navigating the
something.
Neuroticism | a person's vulnerability to debilitative newer trends in technology who serve as mentors to
emotions such as anger, anxiety, or depression. [N.A.] Polychronic time | Views the concept of time as their managers or older colleagues. [Kwoh, 2011]
Neutrality | “feeling indifferent, nothing in fluid and free-flowing and can change with each Romantic partners | Romantic partnerships
particular, and a lack of preference one way or the situation. involving at least two people (more for polyamorous
other. Note, when we use the term “indifferent,” we do Power distance | Refers to cultural beliefs about relationships), who desire to share time and space, and
not use it to indicate disliking something because that the distribution of power within the culture. [Hofstede, may involve affection, sexual intimacy, mutual
would imply a negative rather than a neutral reaction” 2001] interests, tenderness, and caring.
[Gasper, Spencer & Hu, 2019]
Power Distance Index | The level of, or Salience | the degree to which something attracts our
Noise | Noise refers to anything that interrupts the distribution of, resources within a culture and the attention in a particular context [Mata & Altman]
communication process and prevents the message acceptance of those patterns of distribution from
getting from one communicator to the other [N.A.]
Secret Tests | a form of communication whereby
members of the culture. A high power distance culture
individuals use a variety of direct and indirect
emphasizes and accepts differences in status, title,
Nonverbal communication | Everything that strategies to learn information about each other and
hierarchy and authority. Cultures with low power
conveys meaning beyond the words themselves. their relationship [Baxter & Wilmot, 1984]
distance have more equal divisions of power and do
[Reitzel]
not put significance in titles, status, hierarchies, or Secure Attachment Style | Individuals who
Nonverbal immediacy | Behaviors that decrease authority. [Encarnacion] experience caregivers as consistent and attentive.
“real or perceived physical and psychological distance Findings suggest such persons tend to develop a
between communicators.” [Comadena et al., 2007] Pragmatic rules | help us use language positive view of themselves and others. [Leonard]
appropriately. What is appropriate in one circumstance
Nurturing versus Achievement Dimension | may not be in another. [N.A] Selective Listening | Only paying attention to the
The level of cooperation or competition practiced points someone makes that are important to you, that
within a culture. Nurturing based cultures are guided Prejudice | “a preconceived judgment or opinion, impact you, or that you agree with. [Leonard]
by concern for people and their well-being, usually based on limited information” [Tatum, 2017, p.
emphasizing relationships and support. Achievement 85] Self Awareness | Self focused attention or
based cultures are guided by markers of success such knowledge. [APA
Presenting Self | The public self we perform for Leonard and Kicenski]
as material gain or status, and emphasize personal others which typically conforms with approved social
responsibility and stereotypical gender roles. norms [Kicenski and Leonard] Self Disclosure | Sharing personal or private
[Encarnacion] information with another person that includes
Process goals | Process goals refer to our ideas expression of your observations, thoughts, feelings,
Obliging | An accommodating style of conflict about how we should communicate about and resolve
management which consists of high concern for others needs.
conflicts [N.A.]
and low concern for self. When we use an obliging Self Talk | Messages you silently say to yourself as
approach to conflict, we may sacrifice our own needs Proxemics | The study of how space and distance you experience everyday life. These may be positive or
for the other person [Rahim, 1983a] influences communication.
negative. [Kicenski and Leonard]
Oculesics | The study of nonverbal communication Proximity | how we see one object in relation to Self-Concept | Refers to the overall idea of who a
concerning eye behavior. what is around it. We do not just see a person; we see person believes themselves to be. [Leonard and
the person within their surroundings which affects our Kicenski]
Olfactics | The study of smells and how they are interpretation of that person. [Mata & Altman]
perceived. Self-Discrepancy Theory | A theory suggesting
Pseudo-Listening | Pretending to listen. [Adler, R., that we use specific standards to understand our own
Openness to experiences | the ability to welcome Rosenfeld, L., & Proctor, R. 2018, 204]
new ideas, information, and even arguments that may worth—even though these standards, or “self-guides,”
differ from our own [N.A.] Racism | is a systemic form of oppression using may not be accurate potentialities of what we can or
power dominance to control people based on race even should become. [Kicenski and Leonard]
Oppression | occurs when the dominant group [N.A.]
reinforces their power while withholding or Self-Efficacy | Refers to a person's perception about
suppressing historically marginalized groups from Reappraisal | the process of consciously re- their ability to perform a task and their expectation
power [N.A.] evaluating the interpretations and responses to events about the outcomes their behavior will have in a
[N.A.] challenging situation [(Bandura, 2012) Leonard and
Ought Self | The person the outside world might Kicenski]
expect from you. This is the self one feels obligated to Recalling | The ability to remember the information
become to meet others’ expectations; it may also one receives [Leonard] Self-Esteem | Refers to the judgments and
include social norms or cultural standards. [Kicenski evaluations we make about our self-concept [Leonard
Receiving | Taking in information using our auditory and Kicenski]
and Leonard]
and visual senses [Leonard]
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy | The phenomenon that Stereotyping | Categorizing someone primarily as a Uncertainty Avoidance Index | The level to
suggests that our own expectations–and also those that member of a group (as opposed to seeing them as an which a culture expects and accepts predictability,
others may place upon us–may shift our behaviors individual) and assuming that the person shares all rules, regulations, and guidelines. A culture with high
such that any expectation we hold may actually come social, cultural, and behavioral traits as all others in uncertainty avoidance will emphasize the need for
to be reality. [Kicenski and Leonard (Merton, 1948)] that group [Altman] rules and regulations. These cultures will find
confidence in guidelines and erring on the side of
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy | “a false definition of Stonewalling | The receiver emotionally or caution. A culture with low uncertainty avoidance will
the situation evoking a behavior which makes the physically withdraws from the interaction, closing
be more comfortable with variability, vagueness in
originally false conception come true” [Merton (1968)] themselves off from the other person, considered a
rules or guidelines, riskiness and adventure.
form of avoidance. May be a response to criticism and
Self-Monitoring | The ability to observe and [Encarnacion]
contempt; includes ignoring another person’s verbal or
regulate our behaviors to meet the demands or nonverbal attempts to get our attention. [Gottman, Uppers | Also known as ego boosters, uppers are
expectations of social situations. [Leonard and 2014] people who communicate positively about us and who
Kicenski] reflect positive appraisals of our self-worth. [Wood,
Substituting | Nonverbal behavior that replaces 2017 Leonard and Kicenski]
Self-Serving Bias | the tendency to interpret events verbal communication altogether.
in a way that assigns credit for success to oneself but
Verbal Abuse | Pattern of speaking that includes a
denies one’s responsibility for failure, which is blamed Superior Comparison | An assessment of specific intent to demean, humiliate, blame or threaten
on external factors [APA Dictionary (2021)] yourself as “better than” based upon a comparison to
the relational partner.
another person. [Kicenski and Leonard]
Semantic rules | Rules that help us with meaning. Verbal Aggression | Involves attacking the self-
When we look a word up in the dictionary the Superiority | Anytime we condescend or act as if concepts of the other party using insults, character
definition provided are the semantic rules for that we are correct and the other person is damaged; a form attacks, harsh teasing, and profanity [Hocker &
symbol and it can ave historical and cultural context.. of defensiveness [Gottman] Wilmot, 2018]
[N.A.]
Supervisor | supervisors are charged with managing Verbal communication | In general, verbal
Seven “universal” facial expressions | The others’ performance, including conducting
communication refers to our use of words while
correlation of facial movements to specific emotions, performance evaluations, while also serving as an
nonverbal communication refers to communication
with distinct differences in how each culture interprets educator, sponsor, coach, counselor, and director
that occurs through means other than words, such as
and displays the emotions. These seven facial [University of Virginia, n.d.]
body language, gestures, and silence. [N.A.]
expressions include sadness, anger, disgust, fear,
contempt, surprise, and happiness. [N.A.]
Symbolic Interactionism | A theory suggesting Vocalics | Refers to the vocalized but not verbal
our understanding of ourselves, and indeed the world
aspects of nonverbal communication, including our
Sexism | discrimination or prejudice based on around us, is shaped by our interactions with others
speaking rate, pitch, volume, tone of voice, and vocal
biological sex. [N.A.] [Mead, 1934 Kicenski and Leonard]
quality. These qualities reinforce the meaning of verbal
Sexting | The practice of sending and/or exchanging Symbols | An object or image that denotes or is communication, allow us to emphasize particular parts
sexually themed images, videos, or messages on cell understood to have a specific meaning. We use of a message, or can contradict verbal messages.
phones and through social media applications symbols to express thoughts and ideas in physical Vocalics | The study of paralanguage that includes
form. [N.A] vocal qualities such as pitch, volume, rate, vocal
Sexual Orientation | Sexual orientation refers to
the sex of those to whom one is romantically attracted. Sympathy | the ability to understand your own quality, and verbal fillers.
[Kicenski and Leonard (APA, 2012)] experiences and emotional reactions to the
Volume | The loudness (prosody) of the language
environment around you and use that as a way to
Silencer | An unproductive response to conflict being spoken.
compare to other individuals who may be having
where one party uses a variety of behaviors to stifle similar emotional experiences [N.A.] Vultures | Individuals that are an extreme form of
conflict discussion, such as crying, yelling, and heavy downer. [Wood, 2017 Leonard and Kicenski]
breathing. [N. A.] Syntactic rules | are those that help us with
language structure and symbol arrangement [N.A.] White Lies | information is presented as slightly
Social Comparison | A process of judging false
ourselves in terms of how we compare to others which Tangential response | Occurs when the speaker
may affect identity development. [Festinger, 1954 briefly acknowledges a person’s contributions to a Win-lose | A win-lose outcome occurs when one
Kicenski and Leonard] conversation, but then immediately changes the party in the conflict gets what they want and the other
direction of the discussion. party is left to feel they were defeated. [Spangler,
Social Intelligence | we seek understanding of 2003]
someone’s language and culture in an attempt to have Time-Oriented Listener | This listening style
communication competence [N.A.] prefers a message that gets to the point quickly. [N.A.] Win-win | Win-win: A win-win outcome occurs
when both parties in the conflict are satisfied with the
Social Needs | Humans are social creatures; we Toxic Work Culture | where the workplace might outcome by having their needs met. [Spangler, 2003]
need interaction with other humans to survive and include fighting, drama and unhappy employees to the
thrive, and communication is fundamental to this point that productivity and the well-being of people in Workplace Romances | Mutually desired
social engagement. [N.A.] the office are affected [deBara, 2021] relationships involving sexual attraction between two
employees of the same organization [Pierce and
Sociopath | “people who display anti-social Transgender | An umbrella term for people whose Aguinis, 2001]
behavior characterized by a lack of empathy towards gender identity and/or expression is different from
others coupled with abnormal moral conduct and an cultural expectations based on the sex they were Worldview | Our unique lens of reality
inability to conform to societal norms.” [Ultius, 2015] assigned at birth. [Kicenski and Leonard HRC (2022)] [Encarnacion]
Stereotype Threat | Internalizing negative societal
stereotypes about one’s own racial, ethnic, gender, or
other marginalized group. [Altman]
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7.7: Coping with Challenging Emotions - CC BY 4.0 10.9: References - Undeclared
7.8: Summary and Review - Undeclared 11: Dark Side of Communication - CC BY 4.0
7.9: References - Undeclared 11.1: Introduction to the Dark Side of
8: Communication Climate - Undeclared Communication - CC BY 4.0
11.2: Deception and Gaslighting - CC BY 4.0
8.1: Introduction to Communication Climate - CC BY
11.3: Jealousy, Secret Tests, and Gossip - Undeclared
4.0
11.4: Communication as a Weapon—Aggression in
8.2: Confirming and Disconfirming Climates - CC BY
Relationships - CC BY 4.0
4.0
11.5: The Dark Side of Social Media - CC BY 4.0
8.3: Context Can Play a Role in Identifying
11.6: Summary and Review - Undeclared
Confirming and Disconfirming Responses - CC BY
11.7: References - Undeclared
4.0
8.4: Supportive versus Defensive Communication - 12: Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace - CC
CC BY 4.0 BY 4.0
8.5: Skills to Support Confirming Communication 12.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication in
Climates - Undeclared the Workplace - CC BY 4.0
8.6: Summary and Review - Undeclared 12.2: Interpersonal Communication and the
8.7: References - Undeclared Workplace - CC BY 4.0
9: Interpersonal Conflict - CC BY 4.0 12.3: Types of Workplace Relationships - CC BY 4.0
9.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Conflict - CC BY 12.4: A Guide to Communicating Professionally in
4.0 Workplace Relationships - Undeclared
9.2: Interpersonal Conflict Defined - CC BY 4.0 12.5: Boundaries at Work - Undeclared
9.3: Conflict Goals and Outcomes - CC BY 4.0 12.6: Summary and Review - CC BY 4.0
9.4: Conflict Management Style - CC BY 4.0 12.7: References - Undeclared
9.5: Unproductive Conflict - CC BY 4.0 Back Matter - Undeclared
9.6: Conflict Resolution - Undeclared Index - Undeclared
9.7: Summary and Review - Undeclared Glossary - Undeclared
9.8: References - Undeclared Glossary - Undeclared
10: Building and Maintaining Relationships - CC BY 4.0 Detailed Licensing - Undeclared

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INTERPERSONAL

ASCCC Open Educational Resources

The information in this resource is intended solely

1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

2: Communication and Self

3: Perception and Communication

4: Verbal Elements of Communication

11: Dark Side of Communication

12: Interpersonal Communication in the Workplace

Hilary is Chair of Communication and Co-Chair of the Art, Music, and

Kristine is a professor of Communication Studies at Golden West

Liz is a professor of Communication Studies at American River College

Angela is a professor of Communication Studies at Cerritos College,

Alex Mata is a Professor of Communication Studies at San Diego,

Rebeca is a Community College and California State University system

Brielle is currently an online faculty member throughout the California

Eric has taught in the Communication Studies Department at San

1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

1.1: Introduction to Interpersonal Communication

Figure 1.1.1 : Studying, Sean Benesh, Unsplash

Figure 1.2.1 : Twemoji, Twitter, CC BY 4.0 , via Wikimedia Commons

Interpersonal Communication Defined

Figure 1.3.1 : Yawn, Miikka Luotio, Unsplash

Collectivism versus Individualism

Nurturing versus Achievement

Power Distance (High or Low)

Uncertainty Avoidance (High or Low)

Time Orientation (Long-Term versus Short-Term)

Indulgence versus Restraint

Figure 1.4.4 : Loud by Elyas Pasban, Unsplash

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Figure 1.5.2 : Physics Teacher, Tra Nguyen, Unsplash

 Common Questions in Interpersonal Communication

Understanding the Self Concept

Using Active Listening

Monitoring Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Fostering Emotional Intelligence

Building and Maintaining Relationships

2: Communication and Self

Figure 2.2.3 : Body Dysmorphia Cartoon is in the Public Domain

The Self and Family

Figure 2.3.3 : Attachment Styles by Victoria Leonard is licensed CC-BY 4.0

The Self and Society

Race and Ethnicity

Questions for Journaling or Discussion

Gender and Sexuality

 Discussion: Identity and Face Negotiation Theory

Have You Ever “Saved Face?”

Presentation of Self: Communication in the Virtual World

 Explore: Social Media Use and Politics

Commit to Personal Growth with Small Steps

Create and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Recognize the Subjective Nature of Self

 Challenge: Try This

Recognize that the Self-Concept Resists Change

Be Mindful of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Beware of Distorted Patterns of Thinking

 Challenge: Try This

3: Perception and Communication

3.1: Introduction to Perception and Communication