Three Tools to Start

Managing Rage Today

DR. ASHURINA REAM & ERICA DJOSSA, MA

 Hi there!
We are Dr. Ashurina Ream and Erica Djossa, MA

We are passionate about supporting parents,

especially throughout the challenges that

can arise while raising children. Our goal is

to provide easy-to-apply tools to empower

you to parent in a way that feels good.

We’re so glad you’re here.

We created this guide because we recognize

that anger can unexpectedly show up in

parenthood and wreak havoc on your relationships.

We also recognize that it doesn’t always feel good

when you’re angry. It’s especially uncomfortable when

shame and guilt show up, too. This tool will help you turn down the volume on your

anger.

This resource will to teach you how to:

Develop body awareness skills. This is especially important because anger can

interfere with your ability to connect with your own body

Disrupt the pattern of negative thoughts. Negative thoughts can really pour

gasoline on your feelings of irritation and annoyance, erupting into full on anger or

rage.

Repair with those you care about. This guide will walk you through an apology

framework you can use to mend the relationships that have been impacted by

anger outbursts.

We want to make this guide work for you as best as possible. In order to do that, we

encourage you to complete the exercises outlined in the guide. We also encourage you

to put these skills to practice regularly. This means you commit to using them daily. The

only way you can make lasting change is to continue practicing. We also want you to

know that there’s no perfect way to do this. You might mess up or get it wrong and that

is quite alright—let that serve as a reminder that you are trying and that should be

celebrated.

Let’s get to it!

Dr. Ream + Erica

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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

THREE TOOLS TO START MANAGING RAGE TODAY

Tool One: Body Awareness 4

Tool Two: Put your Thoughts on Trial 6

Putting your thoughts on Trial Practice 7

Tool Three: Apology framework 11

Expression of regret 11
Explanation of what went wrong 11
Acknowledgment of responsibility 11
Declaration of repentance 11
Offer of repair 11
Request for forgiveness 11

Additional Resources 13

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 TOOL #1: BODY AWARENESS

What is body awareness and why are we practicing it?

Body awareness is your connection and understanding of the signals your body is

sending you. As human beings, we can become increasingly disconnected from our

bodies. This is especially true for those who experience depression, anger, anxiety, or

any other mental health concern. These signals can get confused and interpreted as

something else.

Better body awareness will allow you to understand these signals and respond
to them in a way that is meaningful and helpful.

In this practice, we present a few different body awareness techniques from Lisa

Najavits Seeking Safety manual (2001) that will help bring your attention to the

present moment by focusing on the sensations in your body. The goal of this exercise

is to pay attention to the physical sensations that come up during each practice

item.

1. Take 5 long, deep breaths through your nose, and exhale through

puckered lips.

2. Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your

toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.

3. Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the

sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.

4. Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat this 10

times.

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 TOOL #1: BODY AWARENESS

5. Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15

seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.

6. Rub your palms together briskly. Notice and sound and the feeling of

warmth.

7. Reach your hands over your head like you’re trying to reach the sky. Stretch

like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your

sides.

8. Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.

You can practice these items at any time. You may also find that you prefer
one of the practice techniques over another, and that’s okay. Choose which
fits best for you and continue to practice.

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 TOOL #2: PUT YOUR
THOUGHTS ON TRIAL

In this exercise, we want you to learn how to challenge your thoughts. Put your angry

thoughts on trial by stepping into the event as a defense attorney, a prosecutor, and

a judge.

First, write out the triggering event that caused you to experience frustration
and anger. Maybe your child threw a toy, or said something hurtful. Maybe your
partner did something and it led to a disagreement.

Next, identify your negative thoughts that you interalized about the event.
Act as a defense attorney by defending the negative thought with actual facts

about the situation. Make an argument for why the negative thought is in fact true.

But the key is to stick to verifiable facts. Interpretations, guesses, assumptions, and

opinions aren’t facts!

Next, we want you to act as the prosecutor.

This means that you will gather evidence against the negative thought. What is the

flip side? What are the other facts in the situation? Just like before, the evidence

needs to be based on facts and not assumptions or opinions.

Lastly, it is time to take the perspective of the judge.

As the judge you review the evidence, and deliver a reasonable and rational verdict

of the situation.

We have included an example of how to do this on the following pages and

have included some blank worksheets for you to practice putting your
frustrated or angry thoughts on trial.

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 PUTTING YOUR THOUGHTS
ON TRIAL PRACTICE

Child Example: Putting Thoughts on Trial

The Event:
I am repeatedly asking my child to put their shoes on to get out the door

for drop off.

The Thought:
This kid is being disrespectful and dragging their feet on purpose.

The Defense: Argument in The Prosecution: Argument

defense of the thought against the thought

I have asked several times My child is three

We do this every day They get easily distracted

This is a part of the regular Just because they have done

routine it independently before

We are running late doesn’t mean they can

I feel like they are doing this always independently do it

to spite me (This is an They keep asking for my help

assumption and when I tell them to do it

interpretation)

The Verdict:
My child is still three and although they can do some things

independently, sometimes they need/want my support with this task.

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 PUTTING YOUR THOUGHTS
ON TRIAL PRACTICE

Partner Example: Putting Thoughts on Trial

The Event:
I am managing the children while cooking dinner and my partner is on

their phone.

The Thought:
My partner never helps me with anything.

The Defense: Argument in The Prosecution: Argument

defense of the thought against the thought

They are on their phone Dinner is one of my agreed

I am managing children while upon tasks in the home

also trying to cook dinner for They just got in from work

the family There is an urgent situation

Dinner usually falls on me I haven’t communicated I need

The kids are extra cranky today back up

They don’t seem to care that I Today is a harder day then most

am overwhelmed in this days and my needs are

situation (This is an assumption different today

and interpretation)

The Verdict:
I am usually able to manage this situation but today the kids are extra

cranky and I need extra support. I should ask for more hands on deck.

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 PUTTING YOUR THOUGHTS
ON TRIAL PRACTICE

Feel free to print these pages and use this exercise as often as needed. You can keep these

worksheets on hand anytime you'd like to explore and unpack your angry thoughts.

Putting Thoughts on Trial Worksheet

The Event:

The Thought:

The Defense: Argument in The Prosecution: Argument

defense of the thought against the thought

The Verdict:

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 PUTTING YOUR THOUGHTS
ON TRIAL PRACTICE

Putting Thoughts on Trial Worksheet

The Event:

The Thought:

The Defense: Argument in The Prosecution: Argument

defense of the thought against the thought

The Verdict:

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 TOOL #3: APOLOGY FRAMEWORK

Let’s take a moment and talk about how to make things right when
you’ve inevitably lost your cool.

What if we told you that there’s a proven framework for apologizing that is most

effective? Researchers have found that these six elements make for the most

powerful apology:

1. Expression of regret:

“I wish I would have done things differently”

2. Explanation of what went wrong:

“I yelled and lost my cool, when I should have taken a step back and…”

3. Acknowledgment of responsibility

“This is my fault…”

4. Declaration of repentance

“I am going to take the steps necessary to avoid doing this again”

5. Offer of repair

“I want to make this right by…”

6. Request for forgiveness

“Do you think you can forgive me?”

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 TOOL #3: APOLOGY FRAMEWORK

Here’s the thing about these six elements…you don’t need to use all
of them to make an effective apology, but the more you use, the
better off you’ll be.

If you’re short on time or are having trouble putting this all together, researcher Roy

Lewicki & Robert Lount (2016) found that the most important component is an

acknowledgement of responsibility.

When you take ownership for your part, it can be the catalyst you need to
repair with those you love.

Some important things to keep in mind about acknowledgment of your responsibility,

don’t place blame on someone or something else. It can be tempting to pass off

some of the blame by saying things like: “Well, I wouldn’t have done this if you would

act differently” but this does more harm than good.

Real acceptance of responsibility sounds like: “I was wrong…” or “I recognize that

what I did was hurtful and I own that.”

This may not feel comfortable at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will

become.

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 ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

We’re Dr. Ream and Erica, licensed therapists and

founders of Mom Freely. We’ve helped thousands of

parents get to the root of their anger, so they can

parent how they envisioned. Our transformative

work surrounding parental anger has equipped

thousands of parents globally to break generational

cycles and parent more freely.

With so much of our work running parallel and our

shared vision to foster community, together we formed

Mom Freely. In creating this community, our hope is that

you can mother exactly how you always wanted to, without

restrictions or fear of judgment. We want to give you all of the practical tools you need to

mother on your own terms, surrounded by a village of like minded people that desire the same

thing.

We are honoured to walk with you on this journey!

Dr. Ream + Erica

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES ADDITIONAL SUPPORT

Understanding Mommy Rage: Follow @psychedmommy

Podcast episode with Dr. Ream and Erica Follow @happyasamother

What No One Tells You about Postpartum Rage: For one on one therapy support, Canadians can
Blog post by Dr. Ream check out The Happy as a Mother Wellness Center

Those who are international can find a maternal

Overcoming Resentment in our Relationships:
mental health specialist through the directory at
Podcast episode with Dr. Ream and Erica
Postpartum Support International

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