Sex Please Were Sixty by Michael Parker & Susan Parker SAMUEL FRENCHep: SIXTY was fist produced by Play With Your Food Hemet, California on October 17,2008 Murray Robie HILLARY HUDSON, ‘CUARMAINE BEAURPGARD Direc by Laura A. Robie ae y iia Lindl, Murray Robin and Laura Robaile TIME The Present PLACE, Rose Costage Bed & Breakfive..somenhere in New England BUD DAVIS (Age 70 plus): The nextdoor neighbor to Mrs. Stance’ we hing he rain de inthe gre” How pevence. Sh factanly has wo agree he is good fo treats Bally bring them (ke, mans, final radiant ond sesuou) seinenACT 1 is a mid-summer afternoon at Rose Cottage, somewhere in New England. The time is 4:37 PM. The curtain rises (on an emply set. IL isthe living room and breakfast nook of Mrs. Stancliffes Rose Cottage Bed & Breakfast. D.R. is a set of French doors leading tothe garden. The doors ‘re slightly open. Above them i the door to bedroom one, ‘and above that, a small built in counter, which serves 4s the reception desk forthe bed and breakfast. On the counter is the reservations computer notebook, a call bell, 4 telephone and an empty vase with water Behind the lant, which leads off righ ULL. area isthe breakfast hich open onto a flower garden, U.L. is an open archsay leading to the Aitchen. Below the nook on the lft wall, isthe door to bedroom two, and below that, the door to CS. is sofa and a low back easy chair, table between them, The décor is bright and cheerful. Sunlight streams in ‘through the French doors ‘There are country cottage paintings, flowered drapes and valances, There is a vase of fresh flowers on the center is a slight, frail looking ‘man, age perhaps 70 ~ 80. Despite his appearance, his succesful amorous fursuit of Mrs, and a golf cap. He looks around, and, moos towards the reservation desk and begins to search through the computer Enter MRS, STANCLIFFE from the nook French doors, with a basket of fresh cul flowers from the garden and of scissors, MRS. STANCLIFFE is in her sixties. ‘no make-up or jewelry, except for a watch, She is wear- ing a long, dull colored plain dress, ankle boots, and garden gloves = STANCLIFFE has a penchant for year after year? “Bud the Stud." Why else do you think they come back SEX PLEASE WERE SIXTY ° ‘ople you meet MRS. STANCLIFFE, You are impossible. You know I do not ‘approve of any form of hanky-panky with my gues HUD, (To hina) Maybe ifyou'd 2 told you, they all come back to “Bud the Stud”, Now what's her name? MRS. STANCLIFFE. I am not your booking agent. Suffice it to say, Ihave delivered the message. suppose to re-acquaint myself with her if who she is,10 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY MRS. STANCLIFFE, Really Mr. Davis. Do you ever have a ight that originates above the waist? Have you do with your time than stand here to look at my reservations? nces this word with the emphasis (om the second syllable.) MRS. STANCLIFFE. That is quite enough, and for heaven's ing. You look like the Mona Lisa on Davis, 1 am terminating this conversation cast one chick coming in, it looks ike it 1a good day. (Heads towards the DR French MRS, STANCLIFFE. Before you leave, I would like to talk with ‘you about your hobby. ‘BUD.(Now almost out of the doors, and not heard by MRS, STAN- GLIFFE.) My hobby is sex. (Turns.) You want to talk about my hobby? MRS. STANCLIFFE. Yes, Ido. BUD. You're not embarrassed to talk about this with me? MRS. STANCLIFFE. (Comes D. (0 the couch L. side.) Not at all. ie fact that you have been doing it longer than hhave a litte success every now and again, but I have noticed that you seem to have a cer- SEX PLEASE WE'RE sixty u BUD. You want to improve your skills? MBS. STANCLIFFE. Why not, you're never (00 old to learn, re you're a great teacher, BUD. You want me to teach you? MRS. STANCLIFFE. Yes, I have exactly 4 and % minutes, i you have the 1ow. don’t we go out to the garden a thing or two? er HENRY fom te UL, Frch ds, Hwy, now is st, ia eed chet Het an ee an, uth a gene poonlity He enn ei 2 Mak pons ey hs esse oad Cinta end prope w Mn. fest torn sare He are dh Jor each yo thee Totg NENRY.(Cnsing Rothe coune My dear YoU lok as radiant a arcu he You do me te houor of becoming ny RS STANCE Henny you've aed me ta ame que ton every day for the pst wen) year (en You ae preciely one and treesne than usual today. ' was yesterday. I am over forty you ¢ of life we should not to grow extremely fond of yo nsider your proposal HENRY. (Hands her the flowers.) Very well my deat.2 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY MRS, STANCLIFFE, Ah, carnations, it must be Friday. (Puts for more than...how shall I put this...ust friendship He's been dead for over twenty-five years now, don't you think. MRS, STANCLIFFE, (Quickly withdraws her hand.) No, and 1 don’t think you should either. I have absolutely no, 1g my guests on a daily basis. Isn't there some pill you can give y dear, except per- ose, As a matter of fact, I have been doing the exact opposite direction. I have been working on a pill that will increase the libido in.... (MRS, STANCLIFFE. I find this an entirely inappropriate con- versation, and am terminating it at precisely (Looks at SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 1s hhalf minutes for our usual afternoon icedtea er. (Exits fo office, withthe basket of flowers ond the scissors.) (HENRY crosses L. to nook, pours himself an iced-tea, ‘and sits in the U.S. chair, as BUD enters from the D.R. French doors and heads to the counter) BUD. Hi Henry, how you doing? HENRY. Good afternoon Bud. I'm fine, thank you. What are you doing? BUD. (At the computer) Checking the reser Which one of my chicks is checking in today, page to see ng has changed, y 1 propose, needs more time and in the meantime, of time. By the time she says 1eed separate honeymoons. st, I've been thinking about taking a desperate measure, ) There are three know at least one of them is a ‘pours himself an about desperate HENRY. Well last“4 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 1 saw some peppers advertised as a natural fo Bud, and pus them on the able.) my... (Pauses) you like to test them out on some of your female friends. She'd have t know ‘would be unethical BUD. We're talking about sex. What do ethics and morality hhave to do with it? SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 15 HENRY. You've got a point Bud, I'll give it some thought, BUD. Oh, Henry, you're such a stick in the mud, HENRY. What do you mean? is pocket, then hastily pus the cap back on the bottle as HENRY re-enters from the French doors.) HENRY. (Seeing the pill bottle in BUD's hand.) I think I'd better have those Bud. (Takes the pill bottle and exits French doors.) BUD. (Watches Henry leave, takes one of the Venusia pills out of his pocket, moves to the buff, pours a glas of ta, drops the Venusia pill i it, stirs frantically, and turns R. with the glass in his ha (Enter VICTORIA through the front door A mature ying a computer bag and small suitcase, Her prim and. ‘broper appearance and manne belie the fact that she is, {in fac, @ romance novelist. BUD sees hey, pls the glass down on the buffet, and rushes over to geet her.) ‘me help you with that, (Takes her luggage from her.) You look familiar, have we met before?16 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY m. [have dreamed but the face JUD raises his right hand above his head, takes ome sep back with his right foot, makes a sweeping gesture with the right hand while bending his right knee. His right laf arm and together they shuffle down tothe couch. BUD manages to get his left hand on ich, supporting some of his weight ‘him and tries to pull his shoulder SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY ” up, but it doesn work, She then slides beneath him on her back on the couch, ith her feet on his chest, re Mrs, S. (MRS. STANCLIFFE continues to glare.) ‘moon, isn’t it? (AIRS. STANCLIFFE rolls her nds up.) Au Revoir ma ch doors R.) Jf. Davis. I do hope he im briefly when I was here being quite a chi You working on anything new ——————8 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY VICTORIA. Well, sometimes yes, but in this case, much the words, as much as I need to find a way t0 Wg the lovers together after three hundred pages of quiet of Rose Cottage. VICTORIA. Let's (MRS. STANCLIFFE If it’s not too bold, may I take a peek at this latest one sometime? VICTORIA. Not at all. (Opening up her computer bag) Most of it is still on the computer, h getting you checked in. 1 this form, (VICTORIA signs if and “hands to MNS. STANCLFVE. You al be inthe Cajun Sunrise Rose room. (Puts the card under the desk, and (Picks up the novel pages and crosses L. tothe nook.) you that would be nice. (Follows her let the R. chair.) So, a gentleman caller? Sounds SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 19 10 the audience, pours another glass.) Henry, exciting? {asin cach hand. The adic must na which las is which.) Here you are. (Hands her a glass, sits in the L. MRS, STANCLIFFE. I know....(Who has been looking at the ‘manuscript on and off.) Oh my goodness, how do you ‘manage (o write such words? VICTORIA. (Sipping the tea.) What are you talking about? MRS. STANCLIFFE, (Reading aloud.) “He placed his hand ‘upon her silken thigh and heaving bosom.”20 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY ‘vad the manuscript. Enter HILLARY through the front entrance way. Age fit) plus, she is an attractive woman with a clasic style. She is wearing a designer summer suit, accessories and shoes to match. She is carrying a purse and a small suitcase. She pauses and watches as (MRS, STANCLIFFE continues (o rad.) MRS. STANCLIFFE, (Reading.) “Oh my goodness....... Oh, le did what?,......He put his ‘my.... Well T never knew that was Rand rings the call belt. jumps up, leaving the man "pr something that had you (o MRS, STANCLIFFE, Ah, Yes, w SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY a HILLARY. Hello, I'm Hillary Hudson. I have a reservation, (MRS, STANCLIFFE moves behind the counter, as BUD is about to enter the D.R. Prench doors. He has a bottle of tations. (Bud reacts,) HILLARY. At my age, the only expectation T have is to not2 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY BUD. (With some difculty drops down to one knee and kisses her and.) Bonjour, Ma Cherie. HILLARY. Oh my! (To MRS, STANCLIFFE.) Do you welcome ‘might drop by later and share a glass with you? HILLARY. Oh my! ‘Oh Bud, do behave yourself. (To HILL- spologize for my neighbor. He does get a way. BUD. (To Hilary.) 1 am only carried away by the st see in your eyes HILLARY. Oh my! rokee Rose room. If « been on my best behavior? (MRS. STANCLIFFE opens her mouth about to answer.) Don't answer that. the reservation form SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 2 iow about halfssay tothe door (He siops and sits on ‘huffing and puffing.) ly are quite the gentlem: upward. There isa long pause while he remains motion- less in this position.) HILLARY, (Looks up trying to see what BUD is looking at. She looks at him quisically, then moves very close to him, t ing so that her back is next to his chest, and looks upwards.) ‘What are you looking you all right? BUD. (Turns his left palm up and outa ite i front of his stom- attempts to mowe his arm down.) 1 litle difficuley with my back,Py SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY HILLARY. (Moves towards him, puts the wine on the floor and the ress on the suitcase) Mr, Davis, you should have told me right away: My late husband had back problems, and I ‘was always able to help him. Now, we just need to get you on the couch. ‘BUD. Sounds good to me, but wouldn't a bed work bewer? HILLARY. Mr. Davis, we are talking about your back. Not Some weird, erotic fantasy you may have about me. BUD. OK, the couch itis. (UILLARY guides him as he shuffles backward, sil in ILLARY. I don’t think so Mr. Davis. Good evening. (Basil ‘ick up the luggage, takes the wine and roses with he, and cats bedroom 2, closing the dor.) BUD. (Moves U.S. towards the buff, when he notices the man- script pages on the able. He picks them up and stats to ad.) “THE SUMMER COTTAGE, MY JOURNEY [As he reaches the floor, HILLARY stumbles and falls on 109 of kim.) but they're even writing about me now! (Continues reading.) (Enter HENRY through the nook French doors, camying 4 bouguet of pansies.) HENRY. So Bud, what do you think? ‘BUD. (Continues to rad without loking up.) About what? HENRY. (Holds out ouguet to Bud.) About these? ‘BUD. (Looks up.) Thanks, but no thanks. (Continues reading.) HENRY. No, not for you, for Mrs. Stance, They're tomor- row’s flowers today. That should take her by surprise, sweep her off her feet. ‘BUD. (Looks up.) You've really gone all out Henry. You know ‘what your problem is? HENRY. I only have one? HILLARY. Ohbh....hhhh.... Ohhh no. (She manages to sit stands up.) deep breath and try to relax. (She pushes down firmly ith both hands on is upper back. BUD yells and HILLARY6 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY you're about as romantic as a frozen fish, you're going to do it doi wth panache. (Ex Pench doors R.) HENRY. Pansies are panache. (Sits L. chair, and starts to read ‘the paper on the table.) (Enter VICTORIA fiom bedroom, a pencil stuck in her Jair and carrying an empty glass.) 'm Henry Mitchell, May I pour you. glass of icedl-tea? VICTORIA. (Crosses R. to the nook and hands table, You must be her ter? VICTORIA. Yes, romance novels, I don’t think the term gen- teman caller has been used since the 1800's, HENRY. (Laughing, pours a glass of ea and hands it to VICTO- RIA.) You're probably’ right. 'd like to be called her n courting her for wenty years. I propose to her every day, and I get precisely nowhere. Did you say Mrs. Stancliffe was reading this? ‘VICTORIA. Yes, why? MENRY. Well, she doesn’t seem very interested in romance, at least not with me. Maybe 1 right words, VICTORIA. Well, she was certainly enjoying what she was reading. Maybe I can help you with the words, Tam a ) | SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 2 writer after all. Now tell me, what do you say when you propose? HENRY. The same thing I say every day: “Mrs. Sta 1¢ the honor of becoming my wife? ¥ passion knows I stop breathing. HENRY. Hold on a second, let me write this down. (Takes the ‘pencil from Victoria's has, and starts frantically writing on the back of one ofthe sheets.) VICTORIA. I cannot stand the thought of us being apart one HENRY. (Pauss.) Women like that kind of stuff? VICTORIA. Well, I think so, I've sold over a million books. have you got to lose? The next time you pro- ay Ohad geting down on oe knee toch an exching and romant fe 1s are full of passion and fis most defintely n that he, ..that you8 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY iter MRS, STANCLIFFE from the office, she pauses in the doorway, visible to the audience, but unnoticed by HENRY.) ing that in his let ‘his right, faces down no, that’s not right. “up... 0, no, no...OH ‘Saturday, (Looks (Touches his forehead.) SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 2» HENRY, (Takes MRS, STANCLIFFE'S hand and kis feeling wonderful....”My dear?” Would you mi got up? MRS, STANCLIFFE, Here, let me help you. (Assists Henry up.) HENRY, Does this mean? MRS, STANCLIFFE. Perhaps. HENRY, (He grabs MRS, STANCLIFFE'S hand and kisses it.) This ing news my dear. (Continues to kiss her hand.) for my guests. Please excuse me. (Exits tothe ilchen.) HILLARY. (Crosses R. (0 L. side of ie couch.) Hello Henry, it’s this phone call from you asking me to hel duct a field test on a pill that you say could change the» SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY of women. You've told me all about , and that I should make up a story about why Iam here, but what does it have to do with ‘Mrs. Stancliffe, and exactly how am I supposed to help you? HENRY. For the past wwenty years, I've been going nowhere fast with Mrs. Stanclifle. I adore her, and [want her to HENRY. Well, yes. But you do understand this isa totally ‘natural product. It was made from a vegetable, and is absolutely safe for human consumption. I'd take it ‘myself, but I'm not exactly right for the test. HILLARY. And what makes you think I am? HENRY. I thought of you because you are in the right age bracket, have an impartial scientific mind, and you're single. HILLARY. Thanks Henry, you really know how to sweep a sit! off her feet. HENRY. Did I say something wrong? HILLARY. No wonder Mrs, Stancliffe isn't succumb- ing to your charms. Henry, are you assuming I'm ‘menopausal? HENRY. You're not? Really? At your age? HILLARY. Henry, be careful. Menopausal women have been known to eat their young. (Laughs.) However today you're safe, I took my crabby pill this morning. HENRY. (Laughs) So, will you do it? HILLARY. Why not, it might even be fun... it works, HENRY. All I ask is that you keep written notes on how you ‘the nook to pour her an iced ta.) SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY HILLARY, (Follows HENRY L. to the steps of the nook and takes need someone to feel romantic about? HENRY. (Moves fo HILLARY and hands her the iced4ea.) Ab, yes, «well ..there’s Bud. HILLARY, (Takes the pil with asip of the tea.) Bud? You mean the Casanova with the molasses tongue? He's not ‘exactly my type, (She pauses and frowns a lite.) 1 think, But gues I could record my feeling tvard hin, in the fac that I asked you to come here. We'll have to be careful not to let on, We can meet later and discuss your findings. HILLARY. (Hands Henry the glass.) Don't worry Henry. be ‘me for this one. (Exits into bedroom 2 and closes the door.) (HENRY moves to the buffet and puts the glass down as expect she'll be out in a minute. I'm Henry Mitchell (Puts his hand out o shake hands)2 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY met this charming g nad arranged for us to meet here. HENRY. You mean Bud? (CHARMAINE. Ob, you know him? I just think he's the tom- cat's kite HENRY. I'd agree with the tomcat (CHARMAINE, Would you excuse me for a moment, (Moves D.R. to the French doors and looks out). HENRY. I'm sure he'll be here soon, while you're waiting, ‘would you like some iced-tea? that’s ever so nice. I'm as dry as an lep glass on a hot summer afternoon, 1 the buffet and pours a glass of ice-ta,) Why don’t you come and sit down. (GHARMAINE, (Moves U.C. and sits in the chair) Do you work here, I don’t remember seeing you here last year, but then, I rarely left my room, jown the road. I'm what Mrs. Stancliffe CCHARMAINE, My, my, a gentleman caller, how romantic. HENRY. (Moves DS. and hands her the iced-tea, then sits on the couch L. side.) That's the problem. There is no (GHARMAINE, Excuse me? HENRY. I'm sorry, I don’t mean to trouble you with my problems. a great listener, and where romance fe honey to a bee if you get my nk you. That's very kind. If you don't mind, SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 3s 1d seem to be so diffe yald you mind if 1 a couple of que ‘OK, but you know us $01 know. She's as omery as a coon the ugly tree, hitting every branch way down, bless her heart. (BUD appears in the Prench doors and listens 19 the conversation, unseen by and no action, but my Buly Stuy is pistol fring on all cylinders. HENRY. BUD? (CHARMAINE. Why, he might not loo asan ox, and has the stamina of ab HENRY. BUD? (CHARMAINE, (Fanning hers flushed just talking abo HENRY, BUD? Um, (Es hugh th DS Fach dst wie andr) he is as strongPn SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY CHARMAINE, (Runs over fo BUD and throas her arms around him, practically knocking him over. She hisses him all fick marks on his face.) Oh. my (Enter MRS, STANCLIFFE from the kitchen carrying a tray of sandwiches, a botl of wine, and wine glass.) MRS, STANCLIFFE, (Moves to the bufft.) Welcome back Ms. Beauregard. I am sorry to keep you waiting. I will be precisely 25 seconds. (Arranges the wine and wve been wonderfully ‘entertained by these two us gentlemen, MRS, STANCLIFFE. (Cruses Ro the counter.) Mr. Das this establishment is called Rose Cottage, Td buy one. CCHARMAINE and hands her th rose.) You my dear are the 'STANCLIFFE. among thorns. (Cross the counter hands her a card.) d by iny Budly Study, yan caller is just a darlin. SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 3s ‘CHARMAINE, Really that's not necessary. (Picks up her luggage ‘and moves L. BUD comes D. behind the couch and at to take the suitcase, CHARMAINE links her arm in his the door imo something more comfortable. (Gi is, and exits into the Bedroom, casing the door.) BUD. (Sils in the R. chair.) Panache Henry, its all about panache, HENRY. (Comes D,, sits on the sofa . side.) Maybe you's ‘about this panache stuff. Something is definitely ‘Mrs, Stancliffe. She called me “my de: ay. hhate to burst your bubble, but I have a con ‘make. I don’t think it was your panache. [....um, “borrowed” some of your Venusia pills. I fig- tured you wouldn't, so I .ell... put one of them in a glass of iced-tea for Mrs. S HENRY. You what? What were you thinking. BUD. Ah Henry, don’t get mad, I was only trying to help36 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY (Enter VICTORIA from the nook French doors, and comes the beautiful you have been | saw you I was promised ‘caviar, Ate you all promises, or CHARMAIN swearing a short and sexy nightie, opens her door. ‘Oh Bud....where are you my super (Enter Bud through the D.R. French doors with roses, champagne and caviar.) err SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY ” fia’ door.) Stayed 10 watch the n? BUD. (Moves US 10 (He signals BUD that Char- (She retreats sexily into her 00m beckoning to Bud Inger. BUD pops open a pill bottle and swallows one. Crosses L. to Charmaine’s vom and (MRS. STANCLIFFE. (Renters rom the kitchen.) ‘most vexing. I have been looking f forty-three and one halfey SEX PLEASE WERE SIXTY watched by HENRY.) at BR. 1, then orses L. as CHAR. him and drags him into bedroom 3, closing ere are noses offi BLR. 3, giggling and ies and only one sock. He stag. ‘end of the couch and pops one more pill. and HILLARY appears dressed in sensuous lounge wear. ‘She beckons to BUD. He looks at B.R 3, then at BLR. 1, ACT IL ‘The following day, at precisely 4:37 post meridian. sel, After a moment or dressed in Khaki pants, sport shit with collar and sus penders. He now leans on a walker, which he carefully rio one, moves towards the reservation desk and begins to search through the computer. Enter MRS, STANCLIFFE from the nook French doors, ith a basket of fresh cut flowers fom the garden and a ‘air of scissors, She is dressed in much the same manner 1 yesterday, but her dress today has a litle col MRS, STANCLIFFE, Confucius never said that BUD. Well, he should have, he'd have picked up more chicks MRS. STANCLIFFE. I shall ignore that. Howeve!© SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY fon your way, I wish t0 have words with you Ms. Ambrose ‘me just get some iced-ea. (Wanders and pours himself a glass.) |, she has written so many difficulty knowing how this I progress. She wants this one to be true uying to find a creative way for the heroi herself with her lover, bringing everythi MRS, STANCLIFFE. Why Bud, that's exactly the kind of help eed. SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY a BUD. Bud the Stud to the rescue. nor gloom of night, she keep me from my MRS, STANCLIFFE, Didi US postal service? BUD. Yes, ..but I deliver MRS. STANCLIFFE. But iver on Sui nas, New Years, Ease, President's D Martin Luther King Day, Independence Day, L Day, Thanksgiving, BUD. (Interrupting.) Good one Mrs. S. Let's just leave it that that used to be the moto of the ‘meridian. Good day Mr. Day (Enter VICTORIA from B.R. 1, now wearing a blouse 5's capable hands, (Exits tothe offic with the basket of flowers.) BUD. (Holding his hands tas if cupping a woman's breasts.) VICTORIA. (Now at the buffet pouring her tea.) Mr Davis, 1 think perhaps I need to explain my behavior lastoe “2 SEX PLEASE. WE'RE SIXTY BUD. No explanation is necessary. I now understand why you are here. VICTORIA. (Moves D.S to the couch and sits L.) Oh, 'm so. glad you do. BUD. (Sis on the couch R.) Mrs, Stancliffe ells me that [can help you. VICTORIA. Really? BUD, OF course, I have a lot of experience in this area. u've read my work? re you don’t mind, . (BUD reacts.) My probl 1¢ two lovers together again afer al 1 and whispers of love might VICTORIA. I've done that before, too mundane this time. BUD. (Reacts.) Really? ‘VICTORIA. Yes, I need! something new, something exciting, something extraordinary. up. You mean that? Something new, exciting, extraor- inary? ‘VICTORIA. Yes, of course Bub. O.K. What do you have in mind? VICTORIA. I'm not sure, You said you might be able to help. How do y SEX PLEASE WERE SIXTY “ VICTORIA. Oh, that always ‘confess. (Moves closer and starts to kiss her arm) ‘VicroRIA. Be singing a high °C" if he doesn’t control himself pup. (Releases her arm.) I'm only bringing the two lovers together. VICTORIA. (Starts to laugh.) Oh my goodness, you mean you Jy not, Sorry to burst your bubble Bud, back to my writing, (xis to BR. 1) up, (Totally deflated.) Ob...Oh well ree chicks to two...beter go check on my supply of condoms. (BUD exils through the D.R. French doors, as MRS. STANCLIFFE enters through the office, and as HENRY enters thigh the nook French doors. He is dressed as Sestrday, sith a diferent color pol shirt. He carves {huge bouguet of assorted flowers, so large his face is ‘barely visible behind them. He cases Rand begins the “Vitoria” proposal, leaning around the flowers. )“ SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY MRS. STANCLIFFE, he quickly takes a fiece of paper from chet and continues reading.) et...feel the softness surprise me. These are lovely Henry. Are you tying to sweep me off my feet? | mean....do you want me to? és R. and puts the flowers on the coun iknow what got into me yesterday, afraid T do know what g the couch L. side.) Would you short version? ‘MRS, STANCLIFFE. (Looks at her watch.) I can spare you pre- ‘cisely one and three quarter minutes, jido of menopausal women. It is called Venu sia, Unfortunately Bud inadvertently got his hands on. some of them and put one in a glass of iced-tea yester- day, which he left on the buffet, and which you may have drunk. MRS, STANCLIFFE. May have drunk? HENRY. We're not sure whether you drank it or Ms. SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY “6 Ambrose. I can assure you the pill is made from a veg ‘etable, is perfectly harmless, and may or may not work. ‘was never my intention for anybody to take the pill unknowingly, especially you my dear. Henry, I mean, Mr (She picks up the flower pauses, and says fo HEN! ia to the kitchen.) menopausal women. Yesterday, unknown to me. Mr. Davis placed one of those pills in an iced-tea, which he intended Mrs, Stancliffe o drink. The problem was your arrival. VICTORIA. (Breaks into ears.) Ob no! es“ SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY id is just along for the ride. (Blows a loud raspberry into the handkerchief and tres to hand it back to HENRY.) HENRY. (Pauses, looks at the handkerchief.) Why don’t you CHARMAINE from bedroom 3. She is wear- Crasses to behind the L. chair and places her hand on VICTORIA'S shoulder.) Honey, are those tears? Why th upon the eart in capable hands Ms. Ambrose, see the both of you later. (Exits SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY a VICTORIA. (Still sobbing.) I really don't know. These days it doesn't take very much for me to c granny always CCHARMAINE, Well honey, turn that frown upside down, it’s your lucky day. Charmaine Beauregard to the rescue. VICTORIA. What do you mean? 1 can’t give you the words, but I sure ‘VICTORIA. Really?“ SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY CCHARMAINE, What? Mr. Davis? Succumbed? VICTORIA. (Sniffling.) Well, nothing happened, but I did invite him into my room. (CHARMAINE. Did he accept the invitation? eping loudly, blows another raspberry.) (Enter Mns, STANCLIFFE from the kitchen. She quickly (CHARMAINE. My Budly Suudly was dillydallying with both of us. VICTORIA. At the same time. (CHARMAINE. My Budly Dudly DoRight done me wrong, (CHARMAINE & VICTORIA begin fo weep and wail SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY ° ‘and the noise brings HILLARY out of bedroom 2. She is now wearing a summer skirt, matching tp and sandals.) HILLARY Why are you all weeping? (Crosses R. fo the L. end (MRS. STANCLIFFE) pausal women and it's called. HILLARY. Venuusia, (There is a long pause as CHARMAINE, MRS. STAN- (CLIFFE, and VICTORIA star af HILLARY.)30 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY HILLARY. The resulls are not yet conclusive. We really can’t be sure. (CHARMAINE. I didn’t take a pill. Maybe it really is “Bud the Sud” MRS, STANCLUFE, Either way, he needs to be taught a inks the sun comes up just 1at rooster needs to come down ve never imagined a scum te everyone, Didn't we all succumb know I did. MRS, STANCLIFFE. Be that as it may, what Bud did was wrong, (CHARMAINE, May I sce the pills? from bedroom 2 with the pill bottle and crosses ‘couch and hands the pills lo CHARMAINE who ‘opens the bottle) Here you are. litde blue pills look just like those 1 Bud seems to live on. 's how we fix Bud the Stud, VICTORIA. What do you mean? swap Bud’s Viagra with the Vei the difference, and Bud the Dud. wwe get Bud’ pills away from to me. His ass is grass SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 5 (BUD reacts enthusiastcalls,) ‘an do that too. [HOLLARY, I'l be the back-up. (BUD reacts enthusiasticall.) en’ (MRS, STANCLIFFE. the Promised nobody driving, ls from Bud. Victoria, you stand into my room. The MRS, STANCLIFFE, Its now precisely 4:48 p.m., ‘calculated correctly, Bud will be creeping back in here tand by in your rooms. n my office. (Exits to offe.) the buf, suatow ting the door slightly ajar CHARMAINE enters ‘from bedroom 3, looks furtive around, goes up the tuff, swallows a Venusia pil and returns quickly (0 bedroom 3, leaving the door oben. Enter BUD from the DAR. Prench doors.)32 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY CHARMAINE, (Enders from bedroom 3, crosses quickly R. flings “finaly takes it out, Seen by the audience. CHARMAINE sees ‘the bottle, and takes it from him.) ly, whatever are you doing? These are to VICTORIA'S door, then pulls BUD off the couch and into it lighly ajax.) in from bedroom 1, runs over to 2, and knocks on the door. HILLARY opens made the switch. (She hands HILLARY the they give each other a high fice.) (immediately, BUD, now disheveled, runs out of bedroom ‘and HILLARY, stil visible othe audi- cence, back off in the doorway a litle and watch. BUD, the small table, takes a pill, takes two or three wands bedroom 3, stops, looks back at the pill shes back, pops a second pil, and quickly exits trom 3 closing the door. Enter HENRY from the French doors carrying a huge teddy bear.) Orosses R.) SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY ss sary, 'm so glad you're back. I just want to ‘so foolish, breaking down and crying Jk I'm just menopausally nged about it Nice touch, It must be going HENRY. Please, sit down, (HENRY sits couch L. side and puts the bear on the couch R. side, VICTORIA sis in the chair HENRY fakes a piece of paper owt of his pocket and reads. “Oh, my beautiful Buttercup, I have bous bear because it reminds me of your beat are yo want to marry you". So, what do VICTORIA. I'm sure you are a brilliant scientist. HENRY. No good huh? VICTORIA. -erum different Henry. Maybe we can punch it up a bit? Let me jot something down for you. [HENRY hands her his paper and a pencil from his pocke. VICTORIA writes.) do appreciate this. 1 guess yo be good at every: no words and no action. help, (Hands HENRY theEy SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY HENRY. (Reading: ) Oh, wow, ...oh. this is terrific. Can 1 iduiches and a battle of wine. She places the thle and ses HENRY come D. and drop in front of VICTORIA. MRS. STANCLIFFE the paper, which is not visible fo MRS. STAN: this bear as a symbol of my love your hair glistening in the moor ‘The dream of cuddling you on a 's night brings warmth to my heart and fire \. OMRS. STANCLIFFE reacts.) Share my love, MRS, STANCLIFFE. (Comes D.) Henty, how could you? HENRY, (Stands.) How could I what? MRS. STANCLIFFE. Propose to Ms. Ambrose, you hardly know her. vicToRIA. (Laughing. cliff to BR. 1 and closes the door) MRS, STANCLIFFE. Oh Henry dear, were those words really for me? HENRY, Yes my love. MRS, STANCLIFFE, I don’t know what to say. HENRY. You could say yes. SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 6 (Gives HENRY a peck on the chesk, goes US. turns.) Fire in your loins, Henry? (Exits to the office.) (HENRY pichs up the bear and begins to walle around ‘the room with it singing softy to himself) BUD. (In the doorway of BR.3, now somewhat disheveled, with lone of his shiretals ouside is pants, partially unbultoned.) go away, give me a few min bbe back. (Clases the door takes another pill.) ve never had imself.) And why am HENRY. And cranky too, You're beginning to sound just like all the women around here. ‘BUD. (Starts to weep.) What’s happening to me. Nothings ‘working, I've got hot flashes one minute, and the next 1 could weep at the drop of a hat HENRY. And don’t forget cranky. Bud, ifyou were a woman T'd say you were menopausal hey just need a litle more time to bear) Who's your friend Her accept my proposal, because she's expecting fire in my loins. up. Fire in your loins? Deen such a tong tin ot be any fire left in my loi36 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY his hand and looks furtively J keeping you? Why Henry, how nice to sce you. HENRY. If you're looking for Bud, he stepped out for a nent, but he said to tell you he'd be right back. ‘ately reappears in the doorway, wit here she stays visible t0 the audience, bul not to HENRY.) CCHARMAINE, Yes Henry us. (Runs her fingers through his hair) yer since I saw you I wanted you. (*Frzt.) SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 7 VICTORIA. (Facing D.S. t0 the excite any man. fan himself and tap his right foot know what's wrong with m« (CHARMAINE. Why Hent ‘my men get hot under the collar when I heat HENRY, (Bursts into ears.) Oh. dear, I've never felt like before. VICTORIA. I can’t write this, romance nov ary. HENRY. Excuse me, I've got to get some air for a mi (Moves up 0 the nook French doors, opens them and there fanning himself, then steps outside, as VICTORIA crosses LL. to CHARMAINE. ) VICTORIA. Is he all ightss SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY you anything to write about? VICTORIA. Oh yes, you were great. ing. By the way, does Hillary kn the Dud” is a success? ) we'd better let her know. need to get writing. (Returns R. to ‘B.R. 1 and closes the door as CHARMAINE crosses L. to B.R. 2 and knocks on the door, which HILLARY opens) ‘was just talking with him when he sud- (0 tears, complained about being hot, then dashed out into the garden, (Enter WENRY fanning himself) ‘me talk to him. (CHARMAINE exits I right Henry? You don’t look to well. You'd better sit down, (HENRY sils on the couch R. side as HILLARY sits on the couch L. side.) HENRY. I've been feeling very strange. Without warning my feels clammy and my body feels like SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 38 ‘What do you mean, this is awl. (Breaks ink your more female than if you saw this on stage, n just how hormonally challenged I HILLARY. Come on Henry, i’s not that bad. If itis erue, at ‘be back to normal when the pills wear off. se same symptoms? all of them. (Fanning himsalf.) Oh, here 1 go again. (Taps his R foot again.) HILLARY, Henry, do you realize what this means? HENRY. It means I'm going to be hotter than hell again, HILLARY, No Henry, you're going to be rich. HENRY. Wha? HILLARY. Every menopausal woman on the planet is g to want to buy Venusia to give to their unsympathe husbands, HENRY, Why? Why would anybody want to feel like this?60 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY You don’t care that only think of yourselves. fo BR 3, knocks, CHARMAINE enters) dis- 1 can’t wait to hear this. HILLARY. (Knocks on the door of BR 1, enter VICTORIA.) Hi, do you have a minute? I've got something to tell you. VICTORIA (Follows HILLARY L.. and sits on the couch R. as 1s and garters, why Bud was pop- than a pig eats pecans, VICTORIA. Then Bud is menopausal too? HILLARY. We can’t be sure, but probably. Henry was having. coming to him, HILLARY. I understan SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY 6 today she'd say....why, I don't know what she'd s This is stranger than grits without gravy. (Exits BR 3.) (Enter BUD from the D.R. French doors, very upset and deflated) BUD. (Muttering to himself) 1 just don’t understand it, how HILLARY. Why Bud, you don't “from the nook French doors.) What...no caviar, no roses, no. HENRY, (Crosses DSC and sits on the couch L.) HENRY. How many of them did you take? BUD. (Stars (0 werp.) I lost count after six HENRY, Oh dear,6 SEX PLEASE WERE SIXTY uD, Oh dear? ‘t do this t0 you, you did this to yourself. BUD. Sure, blame me. You are so insensitive. (Starts to fan ‘m going all clammy again, m so insensitive? It's all about you isn’t it. You don't care how I feel BUD. (Stars to ry.) Feel...feel? OK....But why do I feel so here and ...(Tries to out, leaving him in a again, Can you help? ‘comes another one. (He laps his right to fan himself again.) Here I am practically paralyzed, and all you can think ;pid hot flash. If you’re not going to SEX PLEASE WERE SIXTY 6 uot see what happens lo HENRY. HENRY moves to the door of B.R. 3 and knocks, the door opens immediate. CHARMAINE opens the doot, flings her arms around HENRY’s neck, hisses him passionately onthe lips, drags him into the room and closes the door.) BUD. I hope you can fix it lke last time Ms. Hudson. HELLARY. Oh my poor Budl sally have had a bad -e what I can do, OK, here we go, on the count of three Ont (They both straighten up.) to weep again.) 1 really do appreciate your help. HILLARY. Do you really mean that or is that the Venusia talking? Bub. Yes... I mean no, ... mean...Oh I'm so confused. HILARY. Bud, I think you're getting in touch with your sensitive sie. BUD. I didn’t even know I had a sensigve side (The door to B.R. 3 opens, HENRY staggers out and leans on the doorframe. He is now somewhat disheveled, ‘with his shirt pulled out and big red hisses all ‘Jace, CHARMAINE reappears in the doorway, ‘is wais, and pulls him backwards fou know Bud, I think your ly cute and adorable. pup. You HILLARY. (Laans forward and runs her fingers through his hai) You're really a very attractive man when you're not making up all those phony speeches.6 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY any woman would be proud to be ‘him a iss on the cheek.) Of course they would. (The door to B.R. 3 opens, and HENRY appears in the doorway. His pants belt is undone, his eipper down, (Takes the Viagra bottle out of her front of him. She gets up, backs away 1 the door of B.R. 2. BUD follows like a dog on a lash and {he pause bythe dor, as VICTORIA appears nthe of BR | and watches.) . BUD. Bud the Stud is back in business yeant was,..er...Bud the Stud is th you my heaven SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY os “Lam yours forever, cowards a night of because I've struck out ways said, when the door young l ‘weeks now. Hey, have you ever thought about writing a ‘modern romance in the heart of Di VICTORIA, Oh, what 2 great idea, but I don't know any: thing about the S VICTORIA. And the gentlemen? always gentlemen, on've just given me the title for my next book, “Sex Please We're Southern”. (Exils fo B.R. gonna be a leadin’ lady in a rome BR. 3)66 SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY SEX PLEASE WE'RE SIXTY (Reenter HENRY, now cleaned up, from the nook French FURNITURE AND PROPERTY LIST doors. He carefully looks around, then pours himself ee a glass of wine, He is about to take a sip when MRS Reception count STANCLIFFE enters from the office, now totally trans- An 1 world. (Drops down on one ime the h