Hints to : Freddy Pharakas

***************

F R E D D Y P H A R K A S
FRONTIER PHARMACIST

I N T R O D U C T I O N
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mankind has made phenomenal strides in the diagnosis
and treatment of disease. No longer are we taking
the naive viewpoint of our ancestors, pointing our
fingers at the sick and scabrous and crying, "Gadzooks,
he's infested by evil spirits and daemons!" No, we
now know that the root causes of disease are far less
ethereal and far more commonplace some are caused by
the collection of toxins within the system, and some
are caused by poorly-shaped or missing: bumps on the
skull. The former we shall address in this, "The Modern
Day Book of Health & Hygiene"; the latter is well-covered
in my compapion volume, "The Modern Day Book of Sharp
Blows to the Head."

To effectively use this book, you will want to stock your

medicine chest with the various items listed in Part 1,
"The Household Pharmacopoeia." Every item listed can
be located for purchase at your local general merchandise
store, at a large metropolitan pharmacy, or from me at
my associated firm, Lipschitz Excelsior Total Chemicals
and Household Supplies, catalog: available upon request;
we feature top-quality merchandise at competitive prices.
Write to me in care of my publisher and we'll have you
stocked and fully prepared for all medical emergencies
and home treatments in a thrice.

In the reference section, you'll find an alphabetical listing

of many common ailments and diseases, as well as a
complete description of the most modern and up-to-date
treatments medical science and phrenology have to offer.
Some of the treatments are cross-referenced under their
own headings, for ease of use.

Although we have taken great pains to make this the

most complete and comprehensive home physician book
available, there are no doubt questions you may have
concerning treatments and recuperative processes. We
will be utterly happy to answer any and all questions put
to us, via post, at the nominal chargre of $0.55 per
question. Stamps are not accepted.

We would like to thank our illustrator, Nathanial

Mercuriolatum. His most instructive and, we hope,
enligthtening engravings will help to illuminate your way
to a better understanding: of the systems and tracts that
make up our glorious and celebrated innards.

Herewith, then, to your good health, good fortune, and

good healing!
 P A R T 1 : THE HOUSEHOLD PHARMACOPOEIA
NO HOME SHOULD BE WITHOUT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following is a list of desirable household

equipment for proper treatment of common ailments, and
for creating the balms, salves, liquids and tablets
described forthwith. All items may be purchased
through us or at finer pharmacological equipment stores
nationwide.

Note: the usual household medicine cabinet is

somewhat on the small side for the amount of equipment
we suggest. Therefore, we also recommend a larger-
than-average medicine cabinet to hold this equipment.
Something about the size of a small banquet hall should
be sufficient.

ALCOHOL LAMP
BALANCE & WEIGHTS
BANDAGES
BEAKERS, ASSORTED SIZES
BOTTLES, ASSORTED SIZES
BURETTE CORKS, ASSORTED SIZES
(TO FIT BOTTLES)

COTTON BALLS
COTTON SWABS
CROSS-CUT SAW
CRUCIBLE FLASKS, ASSORTED SIZES
FUNNELS, ASSORTED SIZES
GRADUATED CYLINDER
UNDERGRADUATED CYLINDER
POST-GRADUATED CYLINDER
LITMUS PAPEk
GAS SPECTROSCOPE
MEASURING SPOONS
MEDICAL DISPENSING PAPERS
(FOR MEASURING AND DISPENSING POWDERS)
MEDICINE DROPPER
MORTAR & PESTLE
PETRI DISHES, ASSORTED SIZES
PILL-MAKING MACHINE
PIPETTES
PUMICE STONE
RETORT
ROUTER
SPATULAS
TEST TUBES, ASSORTED SIZES
TEST TUBE RACK OR HOLDER
THERMOMETER (ORAL)
THERMOMETER (RECTAL)
THERMOMETER (NASAL)
THERMOMETER (OUTDOOR)
TOURNIQUETS

You will also require the following chemicals and

perishables :

AFRINIMIACIDE

A powerful anti-swelling agent. Available from

Nostril Nostrums, Ltd., Conception Junction, Missouri.
See: NOSE DROPS.

AMINOPHYLLIC CITRATE

An extremely powerful cure for temporary (non-

acute) flatulence, in man or beast. Should Aminophyllic
Citrate be unavailable, it may be created in the home
laboratory: Combine 40 grams Sodium Bicarbonaite with
15 ml. Furachlordone. Pour into beaker. Dilute with
water to make 100 ml. Add 5 grams Magnesium Sulfate,
stir the mixture well using only a pure glass rod. Pour
into medicine bottle and cork. Mix 1:1000 with water.

AMMONIA

A colorless, pungent gas, achieved through dry

distillation of nitrogenous organic bodies such as blood
and bones. Not recommended for synthesis at home.
When infused with water, often called "Spirits of
Hartshorn."

Soluble ammonia is a decent disinfectant...and it

DOESN'T leave streaks!

AMMONIUM CARBONATE

Pungent crystals, often called "smelling salts."

Available widely, or from D. P. Gumby Ammonium
Carbonate Co., Theale-on-Line, Berkshire, England.

ANALGESIC RUB

One of the greatest hoaxes ever perpetrated upon

dhe unwitting public, and a darn fine one, too. Does not
actually provide any medication as analgesics work on
the brain and not on localized sites. However by creating:
a stinging: or burning discomfort on the skin, it
effectively distracts from the ache or pain for which the
rub is used. See: RUBEFACIENT. Often fools senior
citizens and adults; unfortunately, children cannot be
deceived quite as easily. A jocular item to keep around
the locker room.

ANESTHETIC

Important to have available at all times. Whisky

and other high-proof alcoholic beverages will serve;
ether, chloroform and a sharp blow to the head will also
suffice (see my above-mentioned, "The Modern Day Book
of Sharp Blows to the Head"). Biting down on bullets is
only recommended provided the bullet is facing outward
from the head and away from innocent bystanders.
ANTACID

There are numerous antacids available. Most

appear to be combinations of Sodium Bicarbonate and
Calcium Carbonate. See: SODIUM BICARBONATE,
CALCIUM CARBONATE. Extract of Swiss Lemon Creme
is useful to make these more palatable.

ASPIRIN

An antipyretic, antirheumatic, analgesic pill

consisting: of the acetyl derivative of salicylic acid.
So far, the basic usage seems to be for keeping cut
flowers from wilting, but new experimental uses are being
explored all the time.

BALM

An ointment or liniment, rubbed on external sites

to provide temporary symptomatic relief of aches, pains,
bruises, and other localized pain. Oil of Belladonna and
Nightshade Jelly are two particularly effective balms;
however, it is inadvisable to take them internally.

BIMETHYLQUINOLINE

A crystalline substance used in the manufacture of

certain drugs. Hard-to-find but well worth a trip to the
Joliet Bimethylquinoline Mines to pick up some freshly-
hewn granules.

BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE

Has been found to be an effective, albeit highly

powerful, compound in the correction of diarrhea,
although it is not normally recommended for individuals
due to its extreme concentration and possibility for
overdose, with subsequent dire consequences. Best when
taken with vast quantities of water. Storage may be a
problem due to short shelf life. May be synthesixed as
follows: Combine 25 ml. of Bismuth Subsalicylate with 5
ml. of Orp henamethihydride in a test tube. Heat over
flame until mixture begins to boil. Pour into medicine
bottle and cork. Remove from flame and dilute with one
thousand gallons of water (approximately). Makes
enough Bisalicylate Antifoxidene for four thousand
doses.

BISMUTH ENTEROSALICYLINE

Used in the compounding of drugs such as

Beinbyate, Lezl-E Neelcin, Sudabum, and Quinotrazate.

BISMUTH SUBSALICLATE

Primarily prescribed as a stool darkener. Some

believe it to be efficacious in a variety of digestive aids.

BEACH
 A catch-all name for any of a variety of chemicals
which can leech color, but often referring specifically to
Sodium Hypochlorite, an oxidixing compound. Sodium
Hypochlorite can also be used as a decontaminating:
agent for various types of gasses. Apply fo liver spots
thrice daily; will not eradicate liver spots but will
certainly irritate them into forming: scabs, thus
disguising them.

BORAX

Also known as "20 Mule Team Borax." A white

crystalline compound used as an antiseptic, as a food
preservative, for various medical purposes and as a flux.
Found native as "tincal,' and with a sweet, alkaline taste.

BORIC ACID

A white crystalline compound, used as a mild

antiseptic and sometimes as a preservative. Found in
volcanic lagoons of Tuscany, Italy. Really.

CAFFEINE

A relatively new ingredient in the home medicine

arsenal. Currently used mainly as a flavoring: agent in
coffee, chocolate, and the new "carbonated" beverages,
but believed by many modern-day physicians to soothe
agitated nerves and calm excitable children.
Experimentation is currently underway to confirm this.

CALAMINE LOTION

A soothing pink lotion consisting of zinc and

ferric oxide in a suspension. Useful for a variety of skin
ailments. Comforting to victim, only because it brings to
mind when Grandma used to take you for long walks in
the poison ivy and then had to slather you with the stuff
afterwards. Remember?

CALACIUM CARBONATE

Used to provide that much sought-after "chalky"

texture for antacids, laxatives, diuretics, and other
bowel-related liquid medications. Can by synthesi~ed in
the home thusly: Take one 5-inch length of schoolhouse
chalk. Grind in a mortar until a fine powdery
consistency is achieved. Use 1 gm powder per dosage as
recommended.

CACITRATE

Added to make certain children's medications more

palatable. In pill-based medications, imparts a malleable
texture allowing you to mold the pills into the dinosaur
shapes children love to eat (except for Betty)!

CARBON
 Also known as granulated charcoal. Despite the
mess and inconvenience, carbon makes a serviceable
deodorant, and can even be used to filter some gaseous
fumes, such as methane, from air to make it breathable.
Cheap and readily available.

CASTOR OIL

Primarily used to prove to children who's really

the boss around this house, and you're gonna take this
and go straight to bed or you're gonna wish you had of!

CHLOROFORM

A delightful additive to heighten the enjoyment

gained from certain highly-alcoholic remedies and elixirs.
Also used as a sedative with humans and animals.

CODEINE

The narcotic of choice when compounding

expectorants and cough suppressants. May create
nausea upon consumption; fortunately, the narcotic effect
ensures that the patient does not care about the nausea.

COPPER SULFATE

Bluestone. Used to achieve a pleasant color in

many preparations. Can also be added to non-medicated
drinks to produce bizarre and amusing effects. Breaks
the ice at parties.

COUGH DROPS

Edible tablets of soothing or medicinally-treated

candy. Some of the best commercially available cough
drops are: Murgatroyd Bros. Licorice 'n Dioctyl Sodium
Sulfosuccinate Drops, Halley's Mentho-Propylene Glycol
Troches, and Ludnick's Honey, Lemon and Sorbitan
Monostearate Lozenges.

COUGH SYRUP

Some suppress coughs, some cause the patient to

expectorate (cough up phlegm). Preparations that claim
to do both are useless and cancel each other out. Can be
synthesized at home as follows: to 20 ml.
Mercuriomuculate Dioxide, add 15 gm. Essence of
Butyrachrome. Heat slowly until dissolved. Cool.
Stopper. Shake. Dosage: 1 tsp. per hour as needed.

DIURETIC

A medication that stimulates the secretion and

flow of urine. Beer appears to be extremely efficacious.
The saying: goes, "You can't buy a diuretic...you can only
rent one!"
EAR DROPS

Often a gentle formulation of Hydrogen Peroxide,

designed to slowly dissolve accumulations of ear wax
that may be causing blockages or exacerbating:
infections. Use caution when applying; remember the
rule of thumb: never place anything: larger than your
elbow into your ear.

ELIXIR

A general term used in hundreds of liquid ,,patent

medicines." May contain herbal or synthetic chemicals,
or a combination of those. Most elixirs have, in common,
an extremely high alcohol content, often up to 95% of the
contents of the bottle. Thus, they may be more effective
in creating flamb~s than in battling illness.

ENTEROMAGNELINE

Used in the formulation of Testostearate,

Einbinder Digestive Salts, Myomiomy, ancl other
remedies. Warning: should not be consumed by those
with "I'm Allergic to Enteromagneline" medic alert
badges, medic alert rings, medic alert necklaces, medic
alert cloisonnes, or medic alert cameos.

EPSOM SALTS

See: MAGNESIUM SULFATE.

ESTROSTERANE

Can be used to prevent conception after marital

relations. Normally available only by prescription. May
be produced in the home as follows: Grind 15 gm. of
Bimethylquinoline crystals and 15 gm. of powdered
Metyraphosphate in a mortar. Prepare 5 gm. dosages on
pure sheets of medicinal dispensing paper. Recommended
maximum dosage: 1 box of six.

ETHYL ALCOHOL

The woman who invented the hangover. Also a

convenient fluid in which to dissolve many compounds,
having a higher solvency factor than plain, boring old
water.

EYE DROPS

Despite claims to the contrary, water is all that is

needed in most cases where eye drops or eyewash is
required. Eye drops may be used to flush foreign objects
from the surface of the eyeball, or to moisten dry eyes.
To prevent dry eyes, try not to'rub your eyes with a
rough, absorbent towel.

EYEWASH
 See: EYE DROPS.

FORMALDEHYDE

A toxic, unpleasantly-scented preserving gel.

Should any organs or limbs need to be preserved for any
reason, plunge immediately into a jar of formaldehyde
once the vital fluids have been drained.

FURACHLORDONE

Used in the manufacture of Aminophyllic Citrate,

Limnotic Knidphyte, Chloroslychmun, and other popular
medications. Also useful as a topical remedy for poison
ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, poison honeysuckle, and
poison lily-of-the-valley.

IPECAC

Usually proffered in syrup form. Causes instant

and severe vomiting, useful in the event of accidental
poisoning. Also tremendous fun when secretly added to
the chocolate syrup dispensers of competing pharmacies.

ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL

Used in perfumery and as a solvent; can also be

used for rubdowns and as a topical refresher. Bracing.
Do not drink.

LAXATIVE

A purgative; something that enables the body to

better void or eliminate fecal matter. Psyllium husk is a
good natural laxative; many fiber-rich foods also have a
natural laxative effect. See: CALCIUM CARBONATE,
MILK OF MAGNESIA, MINERAL OIL, PSYLLIUM.

LEECHES

They're not just for breakfast any more! Yes, we've

discovered that leeches are not only superb delicacies, but
useful for cleansing the blood and removing toxins.
Standard dosage: three leeches at a time, left for one hour.
To draw blood from localized injuries, place the leeches on
the bruised or contused sites.

LINIMENT

See: BALM.

LOTION

A medicated liquid, usually thick and creamy,

used for cleansing or to aid in healing any diseased or
contused external area. Most topical remedies may be
made into a lotion by suspending in a lanolin solution.

MAGNESIUM SULFATE
Commonly known as "Epsom Salts." Not useful
per se as a medication or component, but definitely
helpful when your Epsoms taste a little too bland.

MERCURIC CHLORIDE

Also referred to as "Zenker's Solution." A

strength-building: compound useful as an adjunct in male
hormone treatments. In just seven days, it can make you
a man!
MERCUROCHROME

Dyes minor flesh wounds bright pink, making

them easier for others to spot and comment upon. No
medicinal value whatsoever.

METYRAPHOSPHATE

An anti-conceptuant when used in conjunction

with Bimethylquinoline according to laboratory specs.

MILK OF MAGNESIA

A milky aqueous suspension of magnesium

hydroxide; useful as both a laxative and antacid. See:
ANTACID, LAXATIVE. And it tastes GOOD, too! See:
CALCIUM CARBONATE.

MINERAL OIL

A generic term encompassing: various oils derived

from inorganic matter, esp. petroleum & petroleum by-
p roducts. An effective laxative. See: LAXATIVE. Really
really nasty stuff.

MUSTARD PLASTER

A thick poultice of powdered mustard and flour,

used as a counterirritant and rubefacient.

NEO-SYNECTIDE

A powerful anti-swelling agent, used in nose drops

and asthma medications. See: NOSE DROPS.

NITRABYLOCYNINE

By itself, an emollient, but when combined with

compounds to be orally ingested, Nitrabylocynine aids in
the absorption through the stomach lining. Gives you
that "get up and GO!" feeling (as well as that "get out of
the way!" feeling).

NOSE DROPS

In case of blockage of the nasal passages, nose

drops may be prescribed to shrink swelling of the mucus
membranes and thus open breathing tubes.
Unfortunately, most nose drops result in "rebound effect"
wherein once the effects of the drops have worn off, the
membranes re-engorge, often to an even greater extent.
Disgusting but profitable for the pharmacist! Usual
dosage: 2 drops in each nostril, every 4-6 hours, of neo-
synectide or Afrinimiacide.

ORPHENAMETHIHYDRIDE

A desalinization compound. Also a handy

substitute for vermouth.

PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE

Effective aid in treatment of the vapors. Available

from Furnette Formulas, Cincinnati, Ohio.
Pepticlymacine Tetrazole is an acceptable substitute for
Tyloxpolynide. Dispense at 40 ml. per bottle.

PETROLEUM JELLY

A thick gel of petroleum by-product, useful to

cover first degree burns or to help in the hydration of
chapped or dried skin. Also makes a fabulous skin
lubricant for those occasions when you anticipate
rubbing a lot of skin together.
PHENODOL OXYTRIGLYCHLORATE

A compound composed of sugary esters and

mentholated chlorine. Used in the manufacture of
Quatrotriticalite, Benzaphyl, and Quinotrazate. Available
from Kookamunga Khemicals, Boston, Massachusetts.

PHENOLSULPHONPHTHALEIN

By itself, a common household astringent useful

Por treating cuts and bruises; in combination with other
compounds, can be a powerful catalyst. Used in
preparation of Testosterone and other hormone-related
chemicals.

POTASSIUM CUPRITARTATE

Also goes by the label "Fehling's Solution." Can be

used as a mouthwash, a gargle or, if swallowed, as an
emetic. Nasty stuff but very useful.

POTASSIUM NITRATE

Also known as Nitre. Can be used in explosives.

Or can be thrown away. Your choice. Fun!

PSYLLIUM

A plantain of Asia Minor, or its seeds (which

resemble flaxseed). In olden times, at the allnual
Psyllium harvest, women would sit around during the
"Psyllium Husking" and husk tremendous quantities of
psyllium, so that the community would have enough
laxative to last the winter. Available from Mucily
Products, Inc., Atlanta, Georgia.

QUICKSILVER

Mercury, a metal which is liquid at room

temperature. Occurs naturally in sea life (particularly
tuna and swordfish). Useful for home-made
thermometers, can also help in hat-blocking. Warning:
prolonged exposure will cause madness. Keep stoppered,
or at ieast hold onto it very tightly.

QUININE

An amorphous bitter alkaloid with tonic and

antipyretic properties. Useful for eradicating common
household malaria. Also terrific with a little gin and lime.

QUINOTRAZATE

A highly efficacious and useful medication when

taken orally at a dosage of NTE 60 mg/day. To prepare:
to 15 ml. of Bismuth Enterosalicyline, add 30 gm of
Phenodol Oxytriglychlorate to produce Quinotrazate.
Mix together in a glass beaker. Stir the mixture well
using only a pure clean glass rod. Process into pill form.
Usual dosage is 21 pills.

RESERPLICINE OXIDE

A naturally-occurring substance derived from

powdered ostrich gizzard. Serves as both an anti-caking
agent and an anti-agent caking.

RUBEFACIENT

Any medicament that causes redness or irritation

or breaks the ice at parties. See: ANALGESIC RUB,
MUSTARD PLASTER.

SALTPETER
Can refer to either Sodium or Potassium Nitrate,
used for explosives and fertilizer, among other things.
Saltaeter is also used as a sexual appetite suppressant,
which makes it a useful item to have around the house.
SILVER NITRATE

A poisonous compound used in photography, but

also useful in the home medicine chest as an astringent
and antiseptic.

SODIUM BICARBONATE

Baking: soda. Used to correct flatulence & diarrhea;

useful on fires (by producing carbon dioxide in large
quantities, thus suffocating the flames). Also amusing:
when added to acetic acid (vinegar). Available from Watt
& Crickson Chemists, San Francisco, California.
SODIUM CHLORIDE

Useful on tomatoes, soups, guiche, chili, cooked

vegetables, prepared meats, egg dishes and other foods.
Extremely salty in its pure form, but somewhat sweeter
when cut 1:1 with dextrose, sucrose or fructose.

SORBITALIC ACID

Puckers wounds. Has no direct medicinal effect,

but acts as an effective placebo, leading: the patient to
believe that something efficacious and antibacterial has
been slathered painfully on the wound.

STYPTIC PENCIL

A white chalk-like tube of highly astringenf

compound, desigrned specifically to staunch the flow of
blood, especially in shaving accidents. Less useful for
larger wounds, such as those involving farm equipment.
Indirectly useful for stimulating tear ducts and
provoking loud sounds. Available from Ow-Chi Imporfs,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

SUPPOSITORIES

A most unusual and intriguing: means of

delivering medication to the lower bowels and sigmoid.
Consists of a medicated lozenge which dissolves at body
telnperature, in!serted rectally. Good for the treatment of
hemorrhoids and Gere's Gerbil Syndrome.

TESTOSTERATE

5 ml. of Testosterate administered orally twice

daily will add masculinity to the lightest male. To
prepare: Combine 10 ml. of Phenolsulphonphthalien
liquid with 30 gm. of Enteromagneline powder in a
beaker. Bring to a boil. Allow to cool ever so sightly
before adding: 5 gm. of Reserpicline Oxide. Dilute with
enough Nitrabylocynine to make 75 ml. of Testosterate.
Stir. Pour into medicine bottle and cork.

TETRACYCLINE

An experimental drug, but one worth taking for

certain unmentionable diseases (like the Pox...whoops,
now we mentioned it). Try 500 mg 4x daily for 10 days.
Sure did the trick for me; now Lulu and I are good
friends again.

THIOURACILIUM

First of a new class of drugs called "analg-esics,"

designed to relieve tension and ache in the anal region.
Two tablets every four hours as needed.

TYLOXPOLNIDE
 An effective aid in the treatment of the vapors.
Not possible to synthesize in the home laboratory,
however, substitutions are permissible. (See:
PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE.) Available from D. B.
Aze & Sons, Baltimore, Maryland.

UREAPHILOFINE

Liquid version of Ureaphine, used to alleviate the

dreaded "purple urine" syndrome common to small
children who have ingested purple crayons. A highly
specialized drug, but keep it on hand just in case.
VALERETAL DINOCTUM

Similar in function to Syrup of Ipecac, but causes

reverse perilstalsis in the sigmoid. Creates a loud case of
acute borgrythmus and prevents the patient from
evacuating for at least 12 hours. Useful when the
plumbing is out.

WISMUTOXYJODOGENOMYLON

Often prescribed to treat bruises and contusions of

the tongue, normally brought on by attempting to
pronounce the name of the chemical. An ingenious drug,
albeit with limited usage.

WITCH HAZEL

A North American shrub, the fluid extract of

which makes an extremely effective astringtent,
tightening: and drying the skin. This makes it useful for
cleansing acne or other oily skin, soothing bruises and
sprains, refreshing. etc. Also spelled "wych hazel."

P A R T 2 : HOME PROCEDURES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In an emergency, prompt and courteous treatment is a

must. The guide below will instruct you in providing aid
for the most mundane illnesses and conditions, from
setting: a broken leg: to reviving the victim of a heart
attack. More serious emergencies had best be referred to
your local physician or hospital.

ACNE

Acne was once thought to be an eruption of bad

yellow bile. Technically, while it still appears to be an
eruption of bad yellow bile, we now know it to be caused
by foreign foods, such as the French food pommes de
terre frites, Swiss chocolate, etc. Curiously, acne appears
to subside with the cessation of the process known as
"pubescence," but upon examination, this is logical:
during pubescence, there is a craving for exotic foods
and the need to "break away" or "rebel" from more proper
foods such as corn meal mush, cactus and buffalo. Until
these urges abate post-pubescence, a return to the basics
will go a long way to alleviate most serious acne. An
occasional facial scrubbing with lye soap and a pumice
stone is also recommended to remove those annoying:
pustules!

BROKEN BONES

These are a common hazzard and, contrary to

popular belief, do not require professional medical
attention. If a limb is broken, merely adjust the bones
using a straight-edge ruler until they line up properly.
Then bind the bones with a "splint" (a two-by-four tied
with several kerchiefs) so that they remain in line for at
least a week or two. The break, once healed, will actually
be stronger than the original bone...although we do NO'l'
recommend you break each and every bone just to create
stronger, healthier limbs!
Occasionally, bones other than limbs will also break
(ribs, skull, pelvis, shoulder blades); these cannot be set
using a splint. Fortunately, these tend to heal on their
own when left alone. Try to avoid placing undue or
uncomfortable pressure on these bones for several weeks
or until firmly set.

BRUISES

These are simply the result of broken blood vessels

underneath the skin, a natural and spontaneous
occurrence which should not be viewed as serious.
However, they are unsightly and can be painful. See the
above Pharmacopoeia for several alleviating substances,
most notably the application of several leeches to the
immediate area. The discoloration should quickly
subside.
Note that in some cases, thk bruises may actually
swell or raise the surface of the skin. These are merely
pools of blood; to eradicate the swelling, simply "squish"
the blood around to the surrounding tissue and even out
the surface. This is best accomplished with a standard
kitchen rolling pin.

BURNS

There is a saying in the medical profession: "The

only people who get burns are the people who deserve
them." This is our way of saying that burns can nearly
always be prevented simply by being attentive, aware,
alert and intelligent.

Nonetheless, there are many - most notably

children who will occasionally suffer from burns. In
either event, the application of a sootSling balm or
calamine lotion will aid in healing and reduce the chance of
infection. However, it is generally understood by
doctors that they will not treat burns that were arrived
at through clumsiness and stupidity. Pain and a rapidly
spreading infection are excellent and constant reminders of
the need to be cautious when dealing with heat and flame.
CHOKING

Choking is caused by a foreign object or wayward

chunk of food being lodged in the windpipe. Fast,
thoughtful action is a must if a choking victim is going
to be saved from asphyxiation.

First, ascertain that the victim is indeed choking.

If the victim gags violently and turns blue, this may
simply mean that the victim has swallowed something
extremely cold and distasteful. Cover the victim with
blankets and provide plenty of strongly-flavored hot tea.
Should you determine that the victim is indeed
choking, the first course of action is to force the victim to
swallow as much liquid as possible; the weight of the
liquid may be enough to propel the lodged object further
down the gullet and, eventually, into the stomach where it
belongs.
If this does not seem to work, take your common
household plunger (also known as the "plumber's helper")
and apply it around the mouth and nose of the victim. Three
or four quick plunges will dislodge any item. Sometimes
just the smell of the thing will help bring something up!

COLDS & INFLUENZA

The saying goes, "Feed a fever, starve a cold."

Mankind has yet to determine the precise cause of the
common cold. We are, though, reasonably sure that
certain activities can trigger the onset of a cold: walking
in cold weather without a coat of some sort; sitting in a
bath whose water has gone cold; getting wet and not drying
off promptly.
While there is no cure for a cold, there are
symptomatic treatments. Hot beverages will soothe a
sore throat and promote the loosening of phlegm in the
chest. Placing ice cubes in the nostrils will draw the cold
up and out the nose, away from the chest and throat.
Attaching clothes pins to the lips will push infected blood
away from the head and closer to the heart, where the
immune system is strongest. And placing a vacuum pump
down the esophagus will help draw away accumulated phlegm.
While none of these treatments will cure the cold,
they will go a long way towards making the cold sufferer
more comfortable.

CONSTIPATION

Constipation is an unnatural hardening of the

stool, making voiding: difficult and strenuous. If
unchecked, it can lead to hemorrhoids and other
afflictions of the lower bowels.
The key to curing a bout of constipation is to eat
plenty of soft, liquidy foods. Some of the best are: saft or
melted cheese, milk, butter, eggs, cooked beef and melted
chocolate. Laxatives such as Psyllium are also
recommended, but only when more natural remedies fail.

CORNS
 Corns are horny thickenings of cuticle, typically
found on the feet; in animals, esp. horses, corns refer to a
morbid condition of the fore hoof resulting in
inflalnmation of the horn (produced by tissue damage to
the sole). Corns can usually be made better simply by
picking at them; soaking them briefly to soften them
fivst helps make them more pickable.

CROUP
Can refer either to a general inflammation of the
larynx, resulting in a painful spasm or cough, or to a
specific condition in which a false membrane develops
over the throat accompanyillg the coughing and spasms.
Croup is best treated by the ing-estion of hard, rough-
textured food such as rock candy (swallowed in chunks)
and bread crusts, and highly acidic foods such as freshly-
squeezed lemon juice or vinegar. The rough-textured
foods scrape the infected tissue off the throat and into the
stomach, where the digestive juices will dissolve it; the
acidic foods will also "burn ofF" the infection and thus
soothe the inflamed tissue.

DEHYDRATION

Is caused by a lack of fluid in the body. Under

ideal circumstances, the body produces enough fluid to
sustaill life on its own; we drink to satisfy thirst,
not to prevent dehydration. Thus when a person exhibits
the signs of dehydration (flaking of skin, falling hair,
dry eyeballs that refuse to blink, etc.), do NOT give
the patient additional fluids! Given enough time, the
body MUST learn to produce these fluids itself! Ingesting
fluids into the body will only dehydration and prevent
the body from developing its own natural defenses!

DIARRHEA

Diarrhea is caused by too many soft, liquidy foods

finding- their way into your digestive system. Unchecked,
it can lead to dehydration. It may be cured quickly and
cleanly by eating quantities of solid foods, or foods with
stiffening ingredients like pectin, such as: fibrous breads,
apples, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower,
etc. ( see: BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE.)

FEVER

The saying goes, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." In

this case, "starving" refers to not giving a fever what it
wants: warmth. A person suffering from an elevated
temperature (anything above 98.6 when taken with an
oral thermometer, above 99.6 when taken with a rectal
thermometer, 97.6 when taken with a nasal
thermometer, or 84.3 when taken with an outdoor
thermometer) should be immersed in ice water until the
fever breaks.
FLATULENCE

Properly treating flatulence, whether in man or

beast, requires diagnosing' the source of the offensive
odor. Obtain a sample of the gaseous matter (any simple
container, such as a paper bag, will suffice). Place your
gas spectroscope (you do still have that old gas
spectroscope out in the barn, don't you?) in front of a lit
alcohol lamp or Bunsen burner. Burn the gas on the
flame and observe the spectra readout. Compare the
readout to the tintypes below and treat with the
appropriate solution:

HEART ATTACK

One of the most feared sicknesses of all time, heart

attack is the result of a sickly constitution. Preventive
medicine is best. A healthy constitution must be
fomented by a varied, healthy diet. Eat plenty of rare red
meat, liver, pork, eggs, cream, cheeses, and fried foods;
supplement this with homegrown vegetables such as
potatoes, corn and peas; pure white bread for fiber; and
fruits when available (however, be warned: fruits may
contain worms and other impurities and should only be
eaten sparingly).
In the event of a heart attack, the victim may feel
shooting pains in the left arm and centralized pain in the
chest. The patient should immediately grasp the wrist to
reel the pulse, breath shallowly, turn pale, sweat, and say,
"Oh, no! I'm coming, Esther!" over and over in order to
stay awake. Crumpling to the floor is optional. After a
period of panic, bed rest is prescribed, accompanied by
heavy dosages of self-recrimination for an unhealthy
lifestyle.

HEARTBURN

Esophagitis, a burning sensation of indigestion

that manifests itself in the upper abdomen. Antacids
may be used to alleviate the symptoms temporarily, but in
chronic cases, an esophagotomy may be required. This
surgery is best performed in a hospital or barber shop.

HEMORRHOIDS

Also known as "piles," characterized by a swollen

mass of varicose veins in the rectum, which sometimes
protrude in a manner resembling grapes, and...you don't
really want to hear this, do you? Good, because I'm
getting just a wee bit nauseous talking about it.
Balms and ointments applied to the area may offer
symptomatic relief; however. for longer-lasting relief, a
change of diet is prescribed. Chronic constipation can
result in hemorrhoids, thus the same dietary

MUMPS
Another acute viral infection (collect the whole
series!), usually confined to the childhood years.
Mumps are characterized by inflammation and swelling
of the salivary glands and, in teenage and adult males,
swelling of one or both testes.
Fortunately, complications are rate, and one bout
with mumps confers future immunity. Analgesics are
dictated but there is no specific cure known at this
time. The only long-term side the social stigma of walking
around looking like you're storing nuts for the winter in
your cheek pouches. It is not unusual to be given
nicknames such as "Squirrel cheeks," "Dizzy," or
"Brioche Face" while thus afflicted, and these nicknames
may endure for years, causing embarrassment and
ridicule that may endanger psychological health during
the critical adolescent years.

Just something to look out for.

NAUSEA

The sensation of wanting or needing to vomit.

While nausea itself is not an illness or disease, but rather
a symptom, nausea can be treated with Bismuth
Subsalicylate. 'When a patient becomes nauseous, do
attempt to determine the cause of the underlying illness.
is interesting to note that although man is not the only
It'eature to experience nausea, man IS the only creature
to feel a need to "kneel before the porcelain goddess" first
in order to make the offering.

POISON IVY, POISON OAK, POISON SUMAC

Three species of plants that are both poisonous if

taken internally and also liable to cause allergic reactions
if touched.
Identifying the plants may go a long way towards
preventing accidental exposure. Poison ivy and poison
oak have three leaves in a cluster; poison sumac has a
row of paired leaflets. Of course, this could describe any
of thousands of non-poisonous common plants, so the
only surefire way of determining whether a particular
plant is poisonous or not is to rub some briskly on an
unimportant, unused part of the body (the head would
probably be appropriate in this case).
First-aid consists chiefly of cleansing the affected
area, swabbing with alcohol and then with calamine
lotion. Wash any clothing that may have come in contact
with the plant. People with extremely severe or
unsightly reactions to poison ivy, oak or sumac should
probably be sterilized so as not to pass on this allergy to
the next generation.

POX

A collective term for any of a number of infectious

diseases resulting in blistery, weeping skin eruptions
(such as chicken pox). However, it is also used to refer to
a disease also called "syphilis," inaccurately known as
the "love disease" since it seems to be passed on primarily
by outhouse seats with inadequate openings.
PREGNANCY

A temporary, usually non-fatal condition involving a

parasitic embryo, a host female, and a disinterested third
party (usually a father). The embryo attaches itself to
the inside of the female's uterus and feeds off of her blood
and other bodily fluids, growing very rapidly, much like a
tapeworm, only rounder. Fortunately, the parasite usually
detaches itself (See: KIDNEY STONES for a description of the pain
involved in this process.) within 8-9 months, after which
its parasitic tendencies become largely financial in nature.
Fortunately, we now know that pregnancy is
entirely preventable simply by staying home on Friday
and Saturday nights.

PSORIASIS & DERMATITIS

Psoriasis is a specific skin condition in which

epidermal cells are manufactured faster than normal and
not allowed to mature, resulting in an excess supply of
immature skin cells which flake off rather than hang
around and finish school. It may also cause heal'tbreak.
Dermatitis is a general term for any lloll-specific
inflammation of the skin, attributable either to allerg-ies
or unknown causes. Eczema, seborrhea, and dandruff
are all examples of dermatitis. Fish oil is believed to help
alleviate both psoriasis and other dermatitises, but many
would rather live with the condition thall walk about
smelling of mackerel.

RABIES

An acute viral infection of the nervous system,

usually fatal, often passed on to humans through contact
with animal saliva. There is no current treatment for
rabies.
One of the most commonly acknowledged
symptoms is the intriguing "foaming at the mouth" bit.
This symptom is highly overrated. The foaming is nd big
deal; it's not a big frothing mass like a bubble bath. In
fact, it's quite subtle, a thin foam resembling: creme
fraiche or a light hollandaise. By the time you've spotted
it, it's usually too late. Cut and run.

SCIATICA

A pain that radiates up and down the sciatic nerve

(primary nerve of the leg). Spinal injuries are the most
common reason for sciatica, though it may also be caused
by tumors, abscesses, blood clots, or simply by incorrect
posture. Treatment consists of bed rest and analgesics;
the symptoms usually disappear within a few days.
Sciatica, being one of those conditions little-
understood by the general public, is an excellent excuse
to stay home from work. "My sciatica's acting: up again"
is a colorful and quaint complaint, and since the average
Joseph has no idea whether or not it's contagious, he's
ikely to grant you a respite from work until you are
better. (Rabies is also a splendid' excuse to stay home
from work, but generally only works once.)

SUNBURN

This is simply inflammation due to excess

exposure to the sun. These days, the risk of sunburn
may easily be lessened by using what's called a "sun
block." Tar, molasses, white oil paint and most laxatives,
either singly or in combination, make effective sun
blocks.
Should you forget to bring your bucket of tar to
the beach, sunburn may be soothed with an application of
calamine lotion. Alternatively, a rubefacient applied to
the areas NOT affected by sunburn will at least spread
out the discomfort.

SUNSTROKE

Also results from overexposure to direct sun,

usually afflicting those who are unaccustomed to hot
temp eratures. Sunstroke (and other heatstrokes) are life-
endangering if not treated promptly, as the body's heat-
regulating mechanisms break down and allow the body
to literally overheat.
Fast treatment consists of wrapping the patient,
naked, in a cold, wet sheet. Douse the sheet continuously
with extra water, or repeatedly sponge the victim with
cold water. Force-feed the victim quiescently frozen
confections. Continue until the patient's internal
temperature registers 101 degrees on a rectal
thermometer.

WARTS

Contagious but harmless growths on skin or,

occasionally, on mucus membranes.
Warts can be frozen off or picked off (be sure your
fingernails are clean), but the most effective treatment
for removing or "fetching" a wart is that prescribed by
Samuel Clemens involving stump water and a dead cat at
midnight. See: TOM SAWYER.