GOING THE DISTANCE

by
Geoff LaTulippe

Story by
Geoff LaTulippe and Dave Neustadter
FADE IN

INT. LUXURY APARTMENT

GARRETT (mid-20s) - good-looking, self-assured, probably a

little more confident than he has an excuse to be - sits
with his pretty GIRLFRIEND in front of a Christmas tree.
Garrett looks less than enthused while she’s at the same
time giddy as hell.

She hands him a gift, which he unwraps, trying to look

jazzed. It’s Lakers tickets.

GARRETT
Hey, Lakers tickets. Nice!

GIRLFRIEND
I know, right? They’re playing
the Celtics! There are three, so
I thought you and I could go with
my mom when she’s in town in a
few weeks.

Fuck you, no.

GARRETT
Wow, THAT sounds great.

It doesn’t sound great, and Garrett can’t hand her her gift
fast enough. It’s a small box. She begins unwrapping
excitedly. Garrett keeps a weird smile on his face. She
finally gets it open...to reveal a tiny, shitty, plastic
American flag - the kind they hand out for free at parades.

GIRLFRIEND
What’s this? Is this a clue?

GARRETT
No, it’s a metaphor. Megan, you
don’t want to be with someone
like me. I’m self-absorbed. I’m
hypocritical. I’m not that good
in bed.

GIRLFRIEND
Yes you are!

GARRETT
I appreciate that, but this will
be easier if we pretend I’m not.
I think we gave it a nice four
months and I had a really good
time, but let’s be honest.
There’s no future here.
(MORE)
 2.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
You think we’re going to grow
closer, but we’re just going to
learn different ways to hate each
other more. So for Christmas,
I’d like you to have your
freedom.

Off her stunned look:

INT. ERIN’S APARTMENT - DAY

ERIN - spunky, adorable, has no idea how nerdy-hot she is -

is on the phone, crying.

ERIN
I know, Mom, but look at me!
It’s Christmas, like three people
I know are in town, Brandon’s
marrying some stewardess...oh,
fucking whatever, flight
attendant...it’s miserable! I
don’t want to be here
anymore...yes, I think I made a
brilliant decision to move home.
I just don’t want to be here for
another three goddamned months.
What? Oh, let the turkey burn,
I’m experiencing the sadness!
(a few beats as she
listens)
OK. OK. Yes, I’ll talk to you
tomorrow.
(bitterly sarcastic)
Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas!

She snaps her phone shut, then looks at her door, where her
too-chipper ROOMMATE is standing.

ROOMMATE
Wow, you look like a Muppet when
you cry.
(that didn’t help)
Oh yeah, we’re going out tonight.

Off Erin, who doesn’t say no:

FADE OUT

OVER BLACK

GARRETT (PRELAP)
I hope your children get cancer
and develop more tumors than
white blood cells.
 3.

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT

Garrett sits with DAN - slight, bearded, nervous all the

time, exists in his own universe, should have a criminal
record but doesn’t - and BOX, a giant of a kid who’s mowing
down a basket of fries. Self-aware asshole. Overly
philosophical. When he talks, for the most part, he
doesn’t even look at the other two. Dan is trying to
pretend that he’s not on the verge of tears.

DAN
Why are you always so hard on me?

GARRETT
Am I wrong? I’m not wrong. And
you’re so wrong that your kids
deserve years of stunting pain.

DAN
Dude, come on.

GARRETT
How does it feel to know you’re
so abjectly stupid?

DAN
Well I don’t know what “abjectly”
means, but I’m pretty sure that’s
just your...

GARRETT
Go fuck yourself.

DAN
Hey.

GARRETT
Get AIDS. Get rampant, lesiony
AIDS and die in agony.

DAN
What’s with the diseases and
cursing them on me?

GARRETT
I’ll take it all back. Just
agree that breaking up was the
right decision, you troglodyte.

DAN
STOP USING WORDS I’VE NEVER HEARD
BEFORE! I CANNOT DEFEND MYSELF IF
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE
SAYING!

Dan sits back, exasperated. Box continues to wolf fries.

After a few beats:
 4.

BOX
(mouth half-full)
You broke up with her on
Christmas day. While exchanging
gifts. After she’d just given
you Lakers tickets. What’s so
wrong with this girl?

GARRETT
She doesn’t like dogs, she
doesn’t like porn, and she
smelled like feet. The tickets
were a great gesture, except the
third was for her mother. That’s
like being given a happy
childhood and then being told you
were adopted.

BOX
Fine, but YOU broke up with HER,
and you’re sitting here being a
miserable bastard.

GARRETT
Oh am I?

DAN
God, you’re miserable. You’re
such a miserablist.

GARRETT
(to Dan)
Not even remotely a word,
Webster.
(to Box)
Megan has nothing to do with
this, so let’s stick to shit
that’s relevant.

DAN
How about you stick to shit?

GARRETT
What?

DAN
I’ll stick you to shit.

GARRETT
What?

BOX
I can handle this if you need me
to.

DAN
Thank you yes I’d like that.
 5.

BOX
I’m not trying to pry into your
business, man, but I don’t get
it. You’ve been an angry dickface
all night and, I’ll point out
again, YOU broke up with HER.

GARRETT
So?

Dan leans forward.

DAN
Quitter.

GARRETT
So help me God I am going to
elbow you straight in the larynx.

Dan looks to Box. Sotto:

DAN
What part of my body is that on?

Box pats him on the shoulder and he sits back, still

boiling.

BOX
My point is that the person who
does the break-up is usually the
one who cares less. Then there’s
you, who’s ended a totally
insignificant part of his life
only to go out to a bar and sulk.

DAN
Aw, poor little Garrett, his
mommy and daddy split up and he
starts to doubt true love.

GARRETT
That doesn’t make any sense
whatsoever.

DAN
(leaning in)
I wish you had a family.

BOX
What?

DAN
Garrett’s parents. They got
divorced last year.

BOX
Who gets divorced in their
fifties?
 6.

DAN
People whose hearts die. Like
Garrett’s parents.

BOX
That’s some cold, cold shit. Ah
well, two Christmases. But you
can’t hate love and relationships
in general because of that.

GARRETT
I don’t.

BOX
You only dated her for four
months.

GARRETT
I’m fine.

BOX
She was the fifth girl you dated
this year.

DAN
All failures.

GARRETT
PLEASE shut the fuck up, Dan.

DAN
Swearing at me isn’t going to get
your parents back together.

BOX
It just doesn’t make sense to me.
This girl was a non-issue. It’s
something else.

Garrett stares for a minute, then puts down his beer, leans
his head back, and closes his eyes. Then he looks back,
serious. Or seriouser, anyway.

GARRETT
What if I told you that I’ve
become convinced that I can’t be
happy in a relationship?

BOX
I’d say that you’re twenty-five
years old and your fake misery is
annoying. Cheer the fuck up and
be glad you have a job and
working genitalia.
 7.

DAN
Like your mom works the
genitalia. Of everyone who isn’t
your dad.

GARRETT
Dan, look, I’m sorry, I don’t
want to fight anymore.

DAN
OK, I’m sorry. I love you too.

GARRETT
I didn’t say that I loved you.

DAN
Fair enough.
(what?)
Wait, you don’t love me?

BOX
Where’s this coming from all of a
sudden?

GARRETT
I don’t know, man. I’m not even
sure if I want to be in a thing
with somebody, but I keep falling
into a thing and then falling out
of a thing at the first sign of
trouble and then I’m thinking
about the next thing and how bad
I’m going to blow it, but that’s
dumb because I end up getting rid
of them before I blow it...

BOX
You sound like a 35 year-old
woman with twenty cats and a
hunchback. Not all relationships
have to end in painful break-ups.

GARRETT
Are you parents divorced?

BOX
No. They love each other very
much.

DAN
I could get mine divorced in ten
minutes if I wanted to. Mom
doesn’t know it, but Dad once
made some very bad mistakes in a
public park. In Norway.
 8.

BOX
Still...your parents getting
divorced and you deciding to hate
relationships...come on, you
gotta see that it doesn’t make
any sense.

GARRETT
I didn’t say I made any sense,
Box. It’s just the way it is. I
know there’s something wrong with
me. At the same time, though, am
I a douche just because I’m
waiting to be really excited
about someone? Isn’t that the
point?

BOX
You can’t find an exciting girl
in Los Angeles, you’re fucking
Helen Keller-level worthless.
There’s a whole subculture of
girls on Craigslist who want to
be used as sexual slaves. Most
of them don’t even want you to
ask their name.

GARRETT
That’s not what I’m talking
about. I don’t know if I can be
satisfied with someone who
doesn’t think and act exactly
like me, but a womanly me with a
vagina who really doesn’t look
like me.

BOX
Then just be single for a while.

GARRETT
No. That makes too much sense.
It’s too logical. Really, I
probably should take your advice,
but you know I’m not going to.

Garrett chugs the rest of his beer and stands.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
I’m gonna play a round of
Centipede and get another
pitcher. I expect you both to
help me drink it, and later I
hope at least one of you gets
diarrhea and has to vomit at the
same time.

Both Garrett and Box look at Dan, who’s been smoking a

cigarette through each of his nostrils.
 9.

Garrett reaches over, grabs them and snuffs them out in a

mostly-empty pint glass.

BOX
Do I need to remind you that you
can’t smoke in here?

Dan, dazed, stares blankly at him.

DAN
My eyes nose and throat hurt.

INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER

Erin, robotic, playing oldschool CENTIPEDE. She’s

alternately totally zoned into the game, smashing the
rollerball, and chugging the hell out of her beer. Her
Roommate stands next to her, looking worried.

ROOMMATE
You’re going to be a barrel of
monkeys tonight, huh?

ERIN
I want to get fucked up and
become a video game legend. Go
away.

She does. Rubbing his eyes, Garrett walks up. He digs in

his pocket, finds a couple of quarters and rounds to the
front only to find Erin playing. This should probably be a
good thing, but we can tell from Garrett’s face that he’s
not happy. He leans his head in over the screen.

GARRETT
Um...are you almost done?

The machine makes the distinct sound of failure, meaning

Erin has clearly died. This makes her not happy and she
angrily wheels the rollerball.

ERIN
What the fuck? Who the fuck leans
their head in over someone else’s
game?
(looking at her score)
You IDIOT, I was ten thousand
points away from the high score.

GARRETT
Yeah, OK.

Garrett looks in at the screen. It’s true - her score is

just about 10,000 below that of ERL, and many many
thousands above the next-highest score of GAK.
 10.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
No way. There’s no way you got
that close to Earl. I’ve never
gotten that close to Earl.

Back on the screen as she signs her name: ERL. This takes
Garrett a few seconds to process.

ERIN
Do you know how goddamn long I’ve
been trying to beat myself? Jesus
Christ, have you no concept of
etiquette? I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU!

She grabs her pint off the top of the machine and makes a
move to leave.

GARRETT
You’re Earl. You’re the dragon.

ERIN
I’m a what?

GARRETT
I’ve been chasing Earl for two
and a half-years. I just...I
thought Earl was an...you know,
an Earl.

She points to her chest.

ERIN
Erin Annette Rankin Langford. No
one really calls me Earl.

Garrett’s just sort of gawking at her.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Now you’re creeping me out. Can
you stop looking at me like I’m a
hamsteak and get the hell out of
my way? I have to squeeze a
quarter out of someone in a town
full of debit cards.

GARRETT
I’m sorry, it’s just...I’ve never
seen a girl play this machine
before, much less be good at it,
and I...
(catching his breath)
...I would like you to have one
of my quarters.

He’s smiling, and Erin allows herself a laugh.

 11.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Seriously, I’m sorry, if I had
known about the record-setting
pace you were on I never would
have stuck my fat head in the
way.

ERIN
Are you going to the bar? You can
buy me a drink and I’ll forget
all about the infraction.

GARRETT
That easy?

ERIN
I’m poor. Gifts outweigh the fact
that you’re an assumptive prick
with bad timing.

Smiling, Garrett takes her empty glass and heads for the
bar. He bellies up and signals for a new pitcher. And then,
gradually, this smile begins to fade.

By the time the pitcher shows up he’s more or less

frowning. He absently pays for the beer, grabs two new
glasses and walks back to Erin.

ERIN (CONT'D)
Thanks. What’s your name, flyboy?

GARRETT
Uh...Garrett.

She notices his mood swing. It’s hard not to.

ERIN
Wow, fuck, “flyboy”? Did I
really just say that?
(that’s not it)
Sorry, did you die at the bar?

GARRETT
No, I uh...I think I should get
back to my friends. I actually
think you’re really cool but I’ve
been in a bad mood and I think
I’d rather continue this under
better circumstances.

ERIN
Better circumstances?

GARRETT
You know, when conditions are
more favorable.
 12.

ERIN
More favorable? We’re drunk
playing Centipede at a bar on
Christmas. What could be more
favorable than that?

GARRETT
I’ve never said this to a
willing, hot, brilliant girl
before...but it’s just not the
right night. I wish I could
explain better, but that’s all
I’ve got. So...I’m going to head
back to my friends now.

She softens the sarcastic edge a bit.

ERIN
It’s cool. I’m sure I’ll see you
around.

He looks like he’s going to say something, but instead

offers an awkward wave and walks off. Good one, Garrett.

He gets back to the table to find it empty. Except for a

note scrawled on a semi-wet napkin pinned under an empty
glass. Garrett picks up the note, which reads:

FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, WE’VE LEFT YOU WITH THE HOT GIRL. PLEASE
DON’T FUCK IT UP. - BOX

Underneath that is scrawled...

YOU FAMILYLESS LOSER - DAN

...with a picture of a stick figure with an enormous penis.

MOMENTS LATER

Erin is at the bar talking to some FRIENDS as Garrett walks

up and taps her on the shoulder.

GARRETT
I’ve been abandoned.

Garrett produces the napkin and the drawing, showing her.

Her friends scoff. Erin seems amused.

ERIN
Your one friend has missed his
calling as a proctologist.

GARRETT
Yeah, we’re all a little scared
for him.
(beat)
(MORE)
 13.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
So...why are you getting
shitfaced and playing thirty year-
old video games in a dive bar on
Christmas?

She takes a rip of her beer and looks him dead in the eye.

ERIN
I’ve recently lost my ability to
deal with my own freedom
and...this is just how nerds
vent. I’m lonely and I’ve lost
all semblance of hope for myself
so I’m moving back to Chicago in
three months to live with my
sister and start teaching middle
school Social Studies. That was
probably more than you asked for.

Ouch. Garrett’s reluctant, but he smiles nonetheless. A

few mildly tense beats...and then Garrett decides just to
let it all out.

GARRETT
This morning I broke up with a
girl who was crazy about me but I
couldn’t have cared less about.
I’m just not a very good
boyfriend. I’m stubborn, I’m
inconsiderate, and I’m generally
just looking out for myself. I’ve
dated five girls this year, none
of whom I’ve liked, and I’m
rapidly becoming convinced that
relationships are little more
than temporary restraining orders
against happiness.
(a few beats while he
collects himself)
Wow, I have no idea why I just
told you all that.

ERIN
Yoy.
(takes a breath - her
turn)
I hate my life here so much that
I’m running back to Illinois even
though I never really tried to
figure LA out. My last boyfriend
got engaged a month after we
broke up. It made me feel like
his fluffer. I have every
annoying girl habit, especially
my inability to ever make a
meaningful decision, and I tend
to attract guys who couldn’t get
a job with a traveling carnival.
(MORE)
 14.
ERIN (CONT'D)
(beat)
I feel like life would be easier
if I had it like my sister.
She’s boring and ignorant, but
she married the first guy she
fell in love with and is
annoyingly happy.
(changing gears)
My turn: why aren’t YOU with YOUR
family?

GARRETT
Oh, my family’s a little
complicated.

Garrett falls into his own little world.

BEGIN FLASHBACK

EXT. GARRETT’S PARENT’S HOUSE - DAY

A pretty, typical East Coast joint with a really, really,

really green lawn.

GARRETT (V.O.)
I was home for a visit last year
when shit just blew sky-high with
my parents. Out of nowhere.

The front door flies open and GARRETT’S DAD comes

barrelling out, golf clubs on shoulder and dragging a
suitcase that looks like it was packed by a blind, handless
midget. Garrett comes shooting out after him.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Hey! Does somebody want to
explain to me what the fuck’s
going on?

Garrett’s Dad stops, turns around.

GARRETT’S DAD
Gare, I love your mother. I
really do. But if I don’t get out
of here right this second and for
good, I promise you I will shank
the cunt.

And he’s off. Garrett, not sure of what to do, just stands
there for a second, then turns around. His MOM is standing
in the doorway, shaking a bit. Clearly she’s heard
everything.

BACK TO BAR
 15.

ERIN
Oh Christ.

GARRETT
Right. And that wasn’t even the
worst part.

BACK TO FLASHBACK

Garrett walks up to his mother, shaking his head, words not

forming.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Mom, I...I...

His mother, seemingly about to cry, just looks on. Then,

just as we expect a tear to roll down her cheek, she raises
her hand.

GARRETT’S MOM
Hey.
(indicating her hand)
Up high.

She wants a high five. And how she’s smiling ear to ear.
When Garrett doesn’t respond, she smacks his hand on hers.
She exhales, exhilarated. Garrett is fucking terrified.

GARRETT’S MOM (CONT'D)

It’s been a long time coming.
Your father is seeing a teller
from his bank.

Garrett nearly falls over. He looks to his mother,

stricken.

GARRETT’S MOM (CONT'D)

Oh, don’t feel bad for me. I met
a black guy. Hope you’re ready,
because this year we celebrate
Kwanzaa.

She pats him on the shoulder and walks back into the house.
Halfway down the hall, she stops and looks back at Garrett,
who may or may not be having an aneurysm.

GARRETT’S MOM (CONT'D)

I was kidding about the Kwanzaa
thing. Can you mow the lawn for
me?

She disappears into the kitchen.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO BAR

GARRETT
So...there’s that.
 16.

Erin is trying to take all of this in.

ERIN
Right. That’s there.

Beat. Beat.

ERIN (CONT’D)
So...your mom upgraded, huh?

GARRETT
That was unnecessary.

ERIN
I’m just saying...your mom is a
size queen. Good on her.

GARRETT
Wow.
(beat)
I like you.

ERIN
I like YOU.

GARRETT
You know what I also like? The
weed.

Off her giggle.

INT. OUTSIDE GARRETT’S BEDROOM - LATER

All the lights in the apartment are off, but there’s a slit
of illumination under Garrett’s door.

ERIN (O.S.)
Get the fuck out - you’re a
Travis fan?

GARRETT (O.S.)
You just now noticed the poster?

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - SAME

They’re sitting on his bed, smoking a joint.

ERIN
Well...this shit is strong.

GARRETT
Saw them for the first time in
two-thousand in DC. They played
with
Oasis.
 17.

ERIN
No shit! I saw that same tour
back home. They’re great. That’s
the curse of LA, though -
everyone knows every band. And
they all get overplayed on the
radio. For all the supposed
creativity here, this town is
almost original in its
unoriginality.

GARRETT
This is important: what’s your
favorite movie?

ERIN
Why is that important?

GARRETT
Because I work in the film
industry and that means I’m a
cliched halfling of a real
person. Originally I’m
unoriginal, and just answer the
question please.

ERIN
(sarcastic)
Ohhhhhhh, I work in the film
industry. I hang out at Area and
do stepped-on coke.
(does finger guns)
Finger guns, finger guns.

GARRETT
I’m a low-level executive
assistant who reads such high-
concept projects as AIR BUD NINE.
Guess what? He’s in the NBA now
and testing the waters of Free
Agency. Kill me.

She smiles.

ERIN
Shawshank. My favorite movie is
Shawshank.

Garrett stands up. Man, is he stoned.

GARRETT
(quoting SHAWSHANK, bad
Morgan Freeman
impersonation)
I hope I can make it across the
border. I hope to see my friend,
and shake his hand.
(MORE)
 18.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
I hope the Pacific is as blue as
it has been in my dreams. I hope.

ERIN
Zihuatanejo.

Garrett sits down. She just blew his mind. And then,
sheepish:

GARRETT
Shawshank is just ahead of Top
Gun. I feel like I need to come
clean about that.

ERIN
Admit to me right now that you
like the volleyball scene. Admit
it.

GARRETT
Happily. Do you know how
confusing that was to me as a
kid? I can’t hear “Playing with
the Boys” without feeling the
urge to oil myself up and
exercise in jeans.

ERIN
God, I knew it. You’re so fucking
gay.

GARRETT
Yeah, that’s me.

ERIN
Seriously, you’ve got that vibe.
I could tell it when you looked
at me for the first time tonight.
It was like, “Man, I hope that
girl playing Centipede has hot
guy friends.”

GARRETT
Oh yeah?

ERIN
Totally. Your mouth said, “Please
have my quarters,” but your heart
was clearly saying, “Please
pretty girl, please have a
gigantic man-cock.”

GARRETT
I will admit that I crave
gigantic cock, but I’m not gay.
I’m the only one with that
dilemma.
 19.

ERIN
Is that why you haven’t made a
move yet?

Garrett considers this for a second, and then he just goes

for it. They’re making out. It’s getting hotter and
heavier, and then, from through the wall, the sounds of
TAKE MY BREATH AWAY from the sex scene in TOP GUN blares.

Garrett, startled, stops. He yells at the wall:

GARRETT
Dan?

From through the wall:

DAN (O.S.)
Are you guys intercoursing now?
All that Top Gun talk made me
long to hear this.

Garrett and Erin separate.

GARRETT
Dan, FUCK!

ERIN
Has he been listening this whole
time?

GARRETT
Yes. But he’s never actually
affirmed that out loud before.
Through the wall.

ERIN
This has happened before? You LET
him listen?

GARRETT
I don’t LET him, but how can I
stop him? Believe it or not he
has noble intentions.

Another knock.

DAN (O.S.)
Can I get an answer here? You
know I can’t pass out until
you’re at least an inch deep.

GARRETT
(to Erin)
Sorry.

ERIN
It’s OK. Actually I don’t even
think I care.
(MORE)
 20.
ERIN (CONT'D)
I was just pretending so you
wouldn’t think I was slutty.

GARRETT
(to the wall)
Dan? Have you actually been
listening the whole time?

DAN (O.S.)
What? No.
(beat)
Maybe.
(a few more beats)
Get busy living, or get busy
dying.
(a few more beats)
OK, Goodnight.

A few soft pats on the wall and Dan, presumably, goes to

bed. The light goes out and we hear kissing. Then, in the
black:

GARRETT
Chicago?

ERIN
Yeah.

GARRETT
Three months?

ERIN
Yeah.

EXT. GROVE FARMER’S MARKET - DAY

It’s the next morning. Garrett and Erin sit at a table,

both of them pushing their food around in front of them.
They’re half hungover and half awkward. Then, Garrett just
decides he should say something.

GARRETT
I feel like this should be more
than a one-night stand.

ERIN
Really?

GARRETT
Yes, and I say that knowing how
completely stupid it would be to
continue this, considering you’re
moving and I’m a heartless
jackass.

Erin thinks.
 21.

ERIN
I don’t want to not see you
again. Actually, I think I want
to see a lot of you.

GARRETT
I don’t know anyone like you.
You’re unique and you have really
awesome boobs.

ERIN
I don’t even care that you’re
conceited and self-absorbed
because I know they’re both
facades.

GARRETT
Please don’t tell anyone that.

ERIN
I won’t.

GARRETT
I’m really glad we had this talk.

ERIN
Me too. I just wish we would
have had it at your place rather
than getting up and going to
breakfast, because there’s a good
chance I’m going to throw up.

They both go back to their food, now smiling.

INT. STAPLES CENTER - NIGHT

Garrett, Box and Dan sit in the crowd at a Lakers game

surrounded by hot blondes and rich assholes with their
families. Garrett is the only one we can see wearing a
Celtics jersey. Box looks confused. Dan keeps taking nips
out of a flask, looking around like a crack addict.

PA ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
THREE POINTER BY PIERCE.

Garrett stands, clapping.

GARRETT
That’s how you do it, Paul!

He sits back down, Box now with a quizzical look on his

face.

BOX
What do you mean she’s moving to
Chicago?
 22.

GARRETT
I mean she’s packing up all her
shit, taking it out of her
apartment, going to a different
apartment in Chicago, putting her
shit there, and staying in
residence for an extended period
of time.

BOX
Why?

GARRETT
I don’t know, she said something
about moving in with her sister
and finding a teaching job.
Middle school Social Studies.

The crowd cheers for a Lakers basket.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(yelling towards court)
Defense, fellas, defense!
(to Box)
So it works out well.

BOX
How’s that?

GARRETT
It’s like a practice relationship
for me. She’s cool, she’s hot,
she likes all the things I like.
And then at some point it HAS to
end, so I can look at the whole
thing until then as like a
learning experience. She’s like a
Pre-Season Girlfriend. To get me
ready for the real thing.
Whenever that is.

BOX
That doesn’t sound that good.

GARRETT
Why not? Of course it does. Don’t
try to kill my buzz because
you’re fat.

On the court, another basket for the Celts.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(yelling towards court)
YOU SHOW THOSE PRICKS, KEVIN!

In the row in from of him, a GUY turns around. He’s with

his WIFE and KID (about 6 or so).
 23.

GUY
You mind watching the language,
buddy? I’m trying to enjoy the
game with my kid here.

Dan moves at the guy like a raptor, right in his face.

DAN
And your wife, don’t forget your
wife. Don’t act like she’s
invisible.

Garrett stiff-arms him back.

GARRETT
Jesus, relax.

Dan sits back, takes another swig from his flask.

DAN
(to self, sotto)
So many fucking children.

BOX
I’m just saying...wouldn’t you
rather that she stay?

GARRETT
What? No. Why?

BOX
Well all the reasons you
mentioned, plus she put up with
Dan knocking on the wall after
she chose to sleep with you on
the first night you met, and in
the last two weeks I’ve never
seen you giggle more. Faggot.

Garrett takes this in as the crowd cheers again. Laker

basket.

GARRETT
LET’S FUCKING GUARD SOMEONE!

The guy in front of him gets pissed off again.

GUY
Hey pal, what’d I just say to
you?

Dan rips his head in again.

DAN
Why can’t he swear? What do you
think this is, a fucking hippie
circle jerk? Huh? Who brings
their kid to a circle jerk?
 24.

Once again, Garrett stiff arms Dan out of the way. Then, to
Box:

GARRETT
What’s your point?

BOX
Isn’t it obvious? How can you be
happy that the only girl you’ve
been stoked about in like two
years is moving out of town? How
the hell does that make any
sense?

THAT hits home. Garrett looks up as a Lakers player flatly

rejects a Celtics player headed for the hoop.

GARRETT
(yelling to field)
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET YOUR
FUCKING SHIT ROCKED LIKE THAT,
YOU TALL DUMB MOTHERFUCKER?

The guy stands up, in Garrett’s face now.

GUY
HEY! I’m not going to tell you
again!

And Dan comes to the rescue.

DAN
No, you’re not going to tell him
again! You can’t tell him again
because you never told him the
first time! You’re not the boss
of him! There is no telling!
(a beat as he refuels
from the flask)
I will find you in the parking
lot and embarrass you in front of
your child. And then I will take
your wife. I mean that.

The guy sits down. Garrett and Dan sit down. Garrett’s just
kind of staring blankly.

GARRETT
(to Box)
But...she’s a practice
girlfriend.

BOX
Did you ever call any of the
other girls you dated your
girlfriend? Practice or not?

The look on his face tells us that no, he hasn’t.

 25.

GARRETT
Son of a bitch.

On Garrett, horrible realization on his face, as something

happens on the court and the crowd roars. The Guy in front
of Garrett stands, making an especially big exhibition of
cheering for the Lakers, showing off for his kid.

GUY
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Way to go, LA!

Garrett leans over to Box.

GARRETT
Give me your program and your
pen. Now.

Box does. Garrett rips a page out of it and begins

scrawling frantically on it. Then he folds it up and taps
the Kid on the shoulder. The Kid turns around. He leans in
and hands him the paper.

KID
What?

GARRETT
You know your alphabet?

KID
Kinda.

GARRETT
This is all those bad words I was
saying earlier. I spelled them
out for you. Study them and then
say them all at the same time
when your parents have a bunch of
people over.

He leans back. The kid opens up the paper, eyes going wide.

KID
Yesssssssss.

Garrett stands up and walks off.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Erin’s at a vomitous, trendy LA place with her HOT FRIENDS,

all drinking wine and laughing.

FRIEND #1
You’re totally getting played.

ERIN
I am not!
 26.

FRIEND #2
She’s right. No guy can be
serious about a girl he knows is
moving.

ERIN
I really think it’s not like
that.

FRIEND #1
Did you sleep with him? Are you
still sleeping with him? It’s
like that.

ERIN
It isn’t. And even if it was,
the sex is amazing, so I don’t
care.

FRIEND #1
It can’t be that good.

From behind them:

GARRETT (O.S.)
No seriously, she’s not lying.
I’m really awesome.

The girls turn around to see Garrett there, smiling. He’s

not offended.

FRIEND #1
Oh God, I’m sorry.

Garrett sits at the table.

GARRETT
Don’t be. If I were you guys I’d
probably be just as wary.
Luckily, I’m the greatest person
who’s ever lived.

He looks at Erin, smitten.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Hi.

ERIN
Hi.

They kiss each other. It’s embarrassingly heartfelt. He

turns to her friends.
 27.

GARRETT
True story. This evening my
friends pointed out to me that
I’m a jerk, I’m bad with girls
and there are a litany of reasons
this should fail. They’re
probably right. But you know
what? I don’t care. I’m going
down swinging.

Oooooooh, smooth. The girls are almost won over. Then, to

Erin:

GARRETT (CONT’D)
I brought you something.

He produces a small bottle of sand, like the ones you can

buy in any souvenir shop. Erin takes it and looks at the
label - written in Sharpie is “Zihuatanejo”. She’s
stunned.

ERIN
Zihuatanejo? Really?

GARRETT
No. Venice Beach. But I thought
it was a sweet move.

She looks at him for a second, and then they start kissing
again, no regard for anyone else at the table. One Friend
leans over to another

FRIEND #2
Please stop them before I have to
start touching myself.

INT. GARRETT’S OFFICE - DAY

Garrett sits there, reading a script and jotting down

random notes in the margins, when his boss WILL, a typical
movie exec-type, comes out of his office with three more
scripts. He holds them up so Garrett notices, then sets
them on his desk.

WILL
When you’re done with that one,
here are three more.

GARRETT
Why even bother? You don’t read
my notes and no one ever listens
to a single one of my ideas.
 28.

WILL
Um...I don’t know. What sounds
better, that you’re paying your
dues or building a strong
creative portfolio?

GARRETT
I’ve been an assistant for three
years. All I want is for someone
to just ACT like I have a chance
of getting promoted before I’m
fifty. I’m going to die on the
phone with a shitty producer
trying to talk me into the next
big Avril Levigne project. That
idea horrifies me, Will.

His mood is brightened as we hear an IM pop up on his

computer. Erin? Likely.

WILL
That the girl?

GARRETT
Yessir.

WILL
She still moving?

GARRETT
She is.

WILL
Circle of life. There are
exactly two types of girls in
this world: Girl A won’t fuck
you, and Girl B won’t be fucking
you much longer. Approach each
day knowing that and you’ll be
much happier.

He walks back into his office, leaving Garrett to ponder.

BEGIN MONTAGE SEQUENCE

--Garrett and Erin ride beach cruisers down the beach in

Santa Monica. They’re laughing. It’s so fucking gay.

--Garrett in his office, clearly overwhelmed with work and

trying to talk on the phone while Will barks something at
him, looks at his phone as it vibrates and reads “ERIN”.
In the middle of it all he picks it up, reads the text, and
smiles. When he looks up Will is glaring at him. He
continues to glare. And glare.

--In a bar, they’ve both got margaritas that are too big
for them. But they’re chugging. Garrett’s winning, and he
tips Erin’s glass up so she has to drink faster. She does.
 29.

--They’re fucking. Really hard. It’s animal. While she

rides him, Garrett is slapping her boobs around. That
should be annoying, but she doesn’t seem to care. So he
keeps slapping, amused.

ERIN
(out of breath)
Get it out while you can. Six
more weeks.

GARRETT
(excited)
They barely move!

--Garrett, at work, making copies, chewing on his collar,

reading a script. He’s intermittently writing feverish
notes in the margins.

--Box and Dan hitting balls at the driving range,

noticeably annoyed that Garrett is once again texting and
giggling. After a particularly awful shot, Dan walks over,
slaps the Blackberry out of Garrett’s hand, and slaps him
in the face. Then he calmly walks back and starts hitting
balls again. Garrett tries to pick up the Blackberry and
Box smashes it with a driver.

--Garrett in a meeting with a bunch of arguing EXECS. He

tries to cut in and eventually succeeds at saying
something. The HEAD EXEC just points to the door. Garrett
leaves the room.

--The couple go at it again, this time a little slower,

with a little more feeling. In between kissing:

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Are you sure you have to go?

ERIN
(hesitant)
Yeah.

GARRETT
Good. I’m getting sick of you.

She smiles. More kissing.

--Erin packs up stuff in her apartment. The only thing

she’s left unpacked, it seems, is a picture of her and
Garrett that sits on top of her TV.

--Garrett at his desk at work, still reading scripts. It’s

dark, and the clock reads 8:15. He gets a call from Erin
and wants to answer, but he refuses the call and keeps
reading.

--Erin comes out of the bathroom with a girly beauty mask

on. Garrett’s laying in his bed, reading a script, but he
looks up when she kicks him.
 30.

She points to her face and to the cannister she’s holding,

clearly wanting him to put one on as well. He shakes his
head no. No. No.

--Five minutes later, Garrett staring into his bathroom

mirror, a white beauty mask caked on his face. Erin’s
beaming.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
I look like a gay Al Jolson.

He puts out jazz hands and shakes his head. She laughs,
hugging him from behind.

--At the movies, Garrett holds Erin’s hand. We can’t see

the screen but it must be wrenching (for a girl) because
Erin is holding her breath, trying not to cry. Garrett
finally notices.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(whispering)
What are you doing?

She shakes her head no.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Are you choking?

No again. He looks at the screen, then back at her.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Are you holding your breath so
you don’t cry?

She shakes no vigorously, almost crying.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Yes you are!

She breaks.

ERIN
(harsh whisper, sucking
wind)
Itfuckingworksifyoudon’tstopmeyou
dick.

Garrett can’t help but laugh at her expense.

--After the movies, he’s still laughing a little, trying to

reassure her. She’s pushing him away, pissed, but
eventually he wrangles her and she gives in to a hug. She
cries there for a minute and he holds her, and soon they’re
not even aware of the hundreds of people milling about
around them.

--They’re doing it again, but this time it’s mostly soft

and smooth lovemaking.
 31.

Suddenly they seem to become self-conscious of their

melodramatic passion and laugh a little. Garrett dismounts
and rolls over. Erin hugs into him. He stares at the
ceiling, she stares at the wall. After a few seconds:

GARRETT
You sure you have to leave?

ERIN
I think so.
(beat, beat)
Yeah.

Garrett looks at the clock.

GARRETT
You have nine hours to
reconsider.

She starts tearing up.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
I hate tomorrow.

She snuggles in harder, both of them without anything good

to say.

END MONTAGE SEQUENCE

INT. GARRETT’S CAR - DAY

Garrett is driving, Erin is in the passenger seat, both

looking beyond fucking miserable. They won’t even glance
at each other. Then, all of a sudden, Erin sees something
out the window.

ERIN
Pull over. Pull over right now.

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

The two bumble around the crowded, sort of chintzy shop,

Garrett a little more curious than Erin, who’s on a
mission.

GARRETT
I don’t need anything.

ERIN
Fuck you, you get a going away
present.

GARRETT
You’re going away, not me.
 32.

ERIN
Shut UP and let me look, jerkoff.

GARRETT
Wow, you’re nice today. What am
I getting, a coal-filled stocking
made of pain?

ERIN
Just...don’t ruin this for me.
This is special.

GARRETT
So special that we waited until
we were on the way to the airport
so you could stop in a pawn shop
that’s probably going to give me
tuberculosis?

She shoots him a look. He shoots her one back. They’re

both on edge.

She keeps looking, eventually stumbling over to a display

case with a bunch of trinkets. One of those trinkets is a
little crystal bear with a red bow wrapped around its neck.
She regards it longingly. Garrett notices.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
The bear?

ERIN
Yeah.

GARRETT
Great. I can look at the pretty
prisms while I’m getting plowed
by a drag queen.

ERIN
(seems to ignore him)
My mom used to have one just like
it. My dad got it for her the
last Christmas he was at home.
It was the only thing he gave her
that year.

GARRETT
So he’s a spender.

ERIN
(distracted)
They shut off the electricity the
next day. He’d been laid off for
a month.

GARRETT
And prudent.
 33.

ERIN
Mom still has this on her
nightstand. She’s never moved
it. Other guys got her nicer
stuff, and she still likes that
the best.

GARRETT
The flame still burns.

She whips around at him.

ERIN
This isn’t fucking funny. He
never came back.

GARRETT
Erin, that was like...fifteen
years ago. C’mon! My parents
got divorced last year! You
wanna talk about hanging on?
It’s pointless.

ERIN
You think you have the market
cornered on bad memories? You
think you know it all because you
can ball someone up and throw
them away? Fuck you.

She goes to storm out.

ERIN (CONT’D)
I’m going home.

He looks after her suddenly realizing he’s been a complete

dick. But he doesn’t seem to get it:

GARRETT
We don’t have time to go back to
your apartment.

Without turning around, on her way out the door:

ERIN
I was talking about Chicago.

And she’s gone, the door clanging behind her. Garrett

gives it a second, lets it sink in. Then, from behind the
counter:

SHOP OWNER
Good thing for you we’re out of
coal.

Isn’t that truth; Garrett skulks out the door, defeated.

 34.

EXT. LAX - DAY

Garrett’s car pulls up to the curb, and Erin’s out before

he even comes to a complete stop. She’s pulling on the
trunk before he even releases it, angry and already sort of
holding her breath. Eventually, Garrett walks up to her.

GARRETT
C’mon, give me a break. This
sucks for me too.

ERIN
Oh, so that means you get to
judge me? I don’t get to be sad
about things? It’s OK that this
is over because relationships
just end? Well some don’t!
(breath holding for a
second)
You know my fucking boyfriend in
college told me he loved me for
the first time the night before
he went out and OD’d on drugs?
At least he TOLD me before he had
the courtesy to go and DIE!
THAT’S how you END things!

She rips her last bag from the trunk, slamming it down,
just avoiding Garrett’s fingers.

GARRETT
Jesus...I’m sorry. God, he
really died?

ERIN
NO, but he fucked my roommate and
I really, really wanted him to!

She goes storming for the automatic doors.

GARRETT
Erin, don’t go like this.

She turns around.

ERIN
Why? You’re just like all the
other boyfriends, Garrett. And
the end of the day, you’re not
important either. If you were, I
might have stayed.

It’s a total fucking lie, but she’s going to cling to it.

Garrett watches her go, gets in his car. Slams the door.
He sits there and stews for a second, maybe about to rage,
and then he jumps out and starts running for the door.

An angry black AIRPORT ATTENDANT stops him.

 35.

ATTENDANT
Where you goin’ sir? Can’t leave
your car at the curb.

GARRETT
I...

ATTENDANT
Can’t. Leave your car. At the
curb.

Garrett rubs his eyes, looks up.

GARRETT
That girl in there...

ATTENDANT
Aw shit, you chasin’ a girl?

GARRETT
Yes.

ATTENDANT
For real?

GARRETT
Uh huh.

ATTENDANT
She got a ass on her?

GARRETT
Like the wind.

ATTENDANT
The hell does that mean?

GARRETT
I have no idea.

The Attendant smiles wide at him.

ATTENDANT
Go on now.

Garrett slaps him on the back and runs in.

INT. LAX - SAME

Garrett whirls around, looking for Erin, and he finally

spots her standing near the entry to the security line, TSA
AGENTS ready to take her ticket.

GARRETT
ERIN!
 36.

She stops. He runs up to the end of the line, but people

are giving him looks, so he stops. So does she. But she
doesn’t turn around. The Agents start looking at her
funny.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
OK, look, I know I said all the
wrong things, and Holy Christ,
I’m stopping you in an airport
security line, which is the worst
cliche of this decade since I
can’t chase you to the gate
anymore. I’m sorry. But you
called me your boyfriend, and
even if I’m worthless, I gotta
hang on to that. It’s been a
long time since the title of
“boyfriend” gave me goosebumps
instead of dry heaves.

People let him move up closer to her now.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Um...I’ve just run out of all the
things I thought I was going to
say.

She doesn’t turn around. He looks at the Agents.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Is she holding her breath and
trying not to cry?

They nod at him, a little scared.

Garrett walks up to her, spins her around, and hugs her.

Tight.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(whispering)
I love you. I’m sorry I’m an
idiot.

ERIN
(through sobs, letting
it go)
I love you too. I’m sorry I’m so
much more emotionally mature than
you.

GARRETT
This shouldn’t end. Fuck the
miles. Just because you’re
getting on a plane and flying
away doesn’t mean you have to
leave me.

They just stand there, hugging tightly.

 37.

EXT. LAX - MINUTES LATER

Garrett walks out, head held high, not a care in the world.
And then he notices that his car is gone. Flabbergasted,
he tracks down the Attendant.

GARRETT
Where’s my car?

ATTENDANT
Oh that? They towed that shit.

GARRETT
Why? You said you wouldn’t tow
me!

ATTENDANT
Hell I did, I said, “Go on now.”
Didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout no car.

Not a whole lot Garrett can say, so he just starts laughing

and hails a cab. He gets in, at peace with the universe.
As the cab drives off he sticks his head out the window and
looks back at the Attendant.

GARRETT
Have fun dating my mom.

The Attendant watches him go, no clue what he’s talking

about.

SUPER: FIVE WEEKS LATER

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Erin sits at a table with two pointedly Midwestern couples,

CORINNE and PHIL (married) and RON and KAREN (engaged), and
a single guy, DAMON. Everyone is kind of doing their own
thing but they’re all more or less paying attention to
Erin, who’s giggling and chatting, we presume, with Garrett
via cell phone.

While Corinne and Karen keep looking at each other like,

“This is so cute,” Ron and Phil exchange annoyed and
bemused looks. Damon just finds the whole thing
entertaining.

ERIN
(into phone)
No, I don’t need to know
that...oh God...what? What?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT
SERIOUS!
(to table)
You guys, you guys! Garrett got
tickets to the Killers for when
he’s here next weekend!
(MORE)
 38.
ERIN (CONT'D)
(back to phone)
Oh God baby, you’re amazing, I
love you...

Phil and Ron exchange a look, pissed and trying to hide it.
Corinne and Karen look at them, pissed, not trying to hide
it.

KAREN
You said those tickets were sold
out three months ago.

RON
Well they effing were! Except,
apparently, for...this guy.

PHIL
I refreshed Ticketmaster for a
goddamn hour trying to get those
tickets. A whole goddamn hour!

RON
Can you just get things because
you live in LA? It doesn’t work
like that, right? I mean...he’s
an effing wizard or something,
right?

CORINNE
He’s not a magician, he just
CARES enough to go the extra mile
for her. That’s what happens at
the beginning of a relationship.
You care about one another enough
to try harder.

Pointed look at Phil. He could not be less happy.

KAREN
(to Ron)
Is that how it’s going to be?
The second we get married I can’t
get tickets to anything anymore
because you’re lazy?

RON
Holy crap, really? Really? Did
I or did I not clean out the
entire effing garage last week
when your mother visited? I
guess that doesn’t effing count.
I guess I’m nothing unless I can
produce your favorite band every
time you sneeze.

KAREN
This is about tickets, not
sneezing.
(MORE)
 39.
KAREN (CONT'D)
And they’re not even my favorite
band, but I’m glad you care
enough to know that.

Damon just laughs as Ron’s about to say something when they

all hear Erin finishing up her phone conversation.

ERIN
(into phone)
OK, baby. I know, I miss you so
much. I love you too. ‘Night.
(to everyone)
I’m so sorry guys, it’s just with
the time difference and our work
schedules the only time we get to
talk is like nine o’clock at the
earliest.

Everyone has officially changed demeanors.

PHIL
Oh, that’s great though that you
guys get to talk. Because you
make an effort to do so. And
that you feel so comfortable that
you don’t even have to leave the
table.

ERIN
I know, right? God, this is so
weird for me. You know today my
kids all made him “Welcome to
Chicago’ cards because I talk
about him so much?

Ron is about at his breaking point.

RON
Your thirteen year-olds made
cards? Middle schoolers?
Really? That’s effing retarded.

CORINNE
That is so sweet!

Corinne and Karen vocally swoon. Phil tries. Ron scowls.

Damon continues to be tickled by this.

DAMON
It’s not often you’ll hear from
other female teachers in the
lounge that the new girl is off
limits because her boyfriend is
the greatest guy on the planet.

ERIN
Really? They all said that?
 40.

DAMON
According to popular legend, he
has a nine-pound cock and cured
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome last
Tuesday. Which sucks, because I
was TOTALLY working on that one.

Damon garners some looks from the rest of the table.

Apparently they’re not used to his level of humor. Erin
thinks he’s funny, though.

PHIL
Um, so...how’d he end up getting
those tickets, then?

ERIN
Oh, his boss knows their tour
manager.

KAREN
I was just going to say that it’s
nice that Garrett knows how to
take advantage of a situation
like that. Ron’s boss keeps
offering us a week at his
timeshare in Orlando, but Ron
doesn’t like Florida.

That’s it for Ron.

RON
Oh what the eff, Karen? What the
eff? It’s at friggin’ Disney,
for cripes sake. I’m thirty
years old. What the hell do I
want with a Disney vacation?

KAREN
(half whispering to
table)
He’s still upset that his parents
never took him there as a kid.

RON
KAREN!

Before Ron’s head actually explodes, Erin’s phone rings and

she answers.

ERIN
Hello? Oh hi Benji...really?
Really? Oh my God...no, I’ll be
home in just a few minutes.
Thanks!

She hangs up and beams at the table.

 41.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Garrett sent me flowers, they’re
at the front desk with Benji. I
gotta go, OK?

Phil, Corinne and Karen wave goodbye, Corinne and Karen

leeching off of Erin’s glow, as Ron slams what’s left of
his beer. Damon gets up with her.

DAMON
I’ll walk you out, I gotta jet
too.

They exit and Phil buries his head in his hands.

EXT. RESTAURANT - SAME

Erin and Damon stop on the sidewalk.

DAMON
I’m going this way, you live up
that way, right?

ERIN
Yeah, thanks for walking me out.

DAMON
You know...pretty soon your
sister is going to start putting
pressure on you. To marry and
stuff. Because, according to my
mom, you’re twenty-five now and
that means your uterus is almost
a coffin.

Erin laughs.

DAMON (CONT’D)
But don’t let it get to you. I
had an LDR a couple of years ago.
It can work if you don’t try to
make it into more than what it
can be, know what I mean?

Erin considers this. As excited as she is, it’s clear she

already has some doubts. She waves politely and walks off.

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT

Garrett, Dan and Box are all at their table again. Garrett
is finishing up a text message, giddy. Dan looks on,
furious.

DAN
This fucking shit has got to
stop.
 42.

Garrett finishes and looks up.

GARRETT
What?

DAN
The texting. The phone calls.
The flowers. The emails. The
porn emails. And the smiling.
I’m literally so sick of the
smiling that I want to kill a
puppy. In fact, a litter of
puppies.

Behind them, a table of girls reacts unfavorably. One of

the girls, wearing a PETA shirt, breaks her glass in her
hand.

GARRETT
You literally don’t know the
meaning of the word ‘literally’.

Dan glares at him, then reaches for the bag sitting next to
him in the booth, extracting a small dictionary. He begins
flipping through it.

BOX
What’s this?

GARRETT
That’s his newest portable, a
dictionary.

Not looking up:

DAN
Give me three more weeks and I’m
going to be Fuck-You smart.

BOX
He’s got a point though. This
thing has kind of taken over your
life.

GARRETT
Hey, a couple of months ago you
were the one sitting right across
from me saying that the way I
approached relationships was all
wrong, and now I’m in a good one
and I’m feeling healthy about it
and you’re telling me that’s a
bad thing?

Box thinks for a second.

BOX
Pretty much.
 43.

GARRETT
Come on.

BOX
I’m just saying...you suck right
now. At least if she was here
you’d be hanging out, even if she
was tagging along to everything.

GARRETT
I hang out.

BOX
Dude, this is the first time
you’ve been out in two weeks.

GARRETT
Do you know how much work I have
to do on a daily basis? Do I
EVER get out of work before eight
PM on any given day?

DAN
Can someone fucking tell me how
to spell ‘literally’?!?

Box mocks Garrett.

BOX
Oh, work work work. Stop being
fucking faggy. If you cut your
phone call/Internet chat time
down by even an hour a night you
could do more work and get out of
the house once in a while.

GARRETT
I think I use my time pretty
wisely.

FLASHBACK

To Garrett’s room. He’s on the phone with Erin, giggling.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
What’s your favorite
cereal...Crispix? Who the fuck
are you? Crispix...obviously
Count Chocula...well because I
fucking enjoyed my childhood...

He looks over at the clock. It’s 8:30PM.

LATER

He looks back over. It’s 11:30PM. He doesn’t care.

 44.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Baby? Can we switch to G-chat?
I got a cramp.

LATER

He’s typing away at his computer. It’s 1:00AM. He’s still

unfazed.

LATER

It’s 3:00AM. He’s on the phone AND the computer at the

same time, watching the ‘Baby Panda Sneeze’ video.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Ha! He sneezed and he woke her
up, that’s so cute!

LATER

Garrett stresses over iTunes. He’s creating a CD called

No Matter the Miles Mixtape. There are a bunch of sappy,
cheesy 80s ballads in the queue.

ANOTHER DAY

Garrett asleep on his desk at work. Will walks by and

dumps a box of screenplay brackets on his head. Garrett
wakes with a start.

Across the hall, a super-cute fellow assistant, BRIANNA,

laughs at him. He smiles and tries to play it off.

END FLASHBACK

GARRETT (CONT'D)
In fact I would go so far as to
say that I’m productive.

DAN
You’re a troll. It’s like her
vagina has possessed you. We
have thin walls, you know. I
hear you masturbate at least
twice a night.
(serious)
And really, you should give
yourself like twenty minutes in
between jacks, because I read
that you can chafe your penis
canal.

GARRETT
Can’t you douches just be happy
for me for like three minutes? I
have a girlfriend.
(MORE)
 45.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
I’m going to be overly occupied
for the immediate future. It’s
the way things work.

BOX
Fine, except she’s not a real
girlfriend.

GARRETT
What’s that supposed to mean?

BOX
Aw come on, you think this
charade you’re trying to pull off
has even a hint of legitimacy?
You think you’re not going to
burn out? You think you’re NOT
going to cheat on her? She’s NOT
going to cheat on you? Do you
live in this world or do you just
frolic every day with My Little
Ponies?

GARRETT
I think you’re a pessimist. I
think this is going to be fine
for a while. It’s good. It
works.

BOX
I’m not a pessimist, I’m a
realist. Are you moving to
Chicago?

GARRETT
No.

BOX
She moving back here?

GARRETT
I doubt it.

BOX
Then, really, what’s so good
about it?

And there it is. Garrett shows some resolve, but he’s got
some worries as well.

INT. ERIN, CORINNE AND PHIL’S APARTMENT - DAY

All three of the apartment’s inhabitants are getting ready

for work, difficult because it’s a small two-person place
with a tiny kitchen and one bathroom.
 46.

It’s a struggle. Eventually, Phil grabs his stuff, kissing

Corinne on the cheek, offers Erin an awkward high-five, and
walks out the door. The second he’s gone, Erin spins on
Corinne.

ERIN
This is NOT working.

CORINNE
Oh, stop being a baby.

ERIN
Why couldn’t you just tell me,
Cor? It’s so easy. You just
open your mouth and tell your
little sister that your apartment
is too small for three people,
and then I get to say no and
still be in Los Angeles with my
boyfriend.

CORINNE
Don’t you EVEN try to turn this
around on me! You were
miserable. I was doing you a
favor, and if I told you it would
be cramped, you’d have said no
and probably still been miserable
because you wouldn’t have had an
excuse to talk to your
(quotation fingers)
‘boyfriend’.

ERIN
If you make quotation fingers at
me again, I will set your bed on
fire tonight with you in it.

CORINNE
Sweetie...I’m just looking out
for you. I know he’s wonderful,
and I think it’s great, but
you’ve GOT to find someone you
can be with long-term.

ERIN
I AM with that someone. I’m just
not right next to him for a
while, that’s all.

CORINNE
Or in the same city.

ERIN
I get it.

CORINNE
Or the same part of the country.
 47.

ERIN
Please stop.

CORINNE
Two time zones away...

ERIN
CORINNE!

CORINNE
I’m just saying...

ERIN
Jut because you panicked about
getting married and ran to the
altar with the first guy whose
penis you touched doesn’t mean
that I have to get married to
stop the world from ending.

Corinne looks sheepish.

ERIN (CONT’D)
What?

CORINNE
I sorta lied about that.

ERIN
Phil wasn’t your first?

She shakes her head, both embarrassed and excited to be

telling Erin this story.

CORINNE
(a whisper)
I gave Stephen Thomas a blow-jay
in tenth grade. My braces tore
his foreskin.

Erin recoils.

ERIN
Jesus! Out of the two words in
blow job you have to shorten
‘job’?
(thinking)
Stephen Thomas wasn’t
circumcised?

CORINNE
What? Of course he was.

ERIN
Do you even know what a foreskin
is?
 48.

CORINNE
It’s the...skin...on the front of
the...you know, the fore...not
really.

Erin, annoyed, grabs her coat and bag and heads out the
door. She slams the door, leaving Corinne blushing.

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

Erin is in the front of a room of THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD

STUDENTS. It is 100% impossible for her to hide the smile
on her face. She’s almost over-smiling, if that’s even a
thing.

ERIN
Aaaaaand...I guess that’s pretty
much all we need to cover on
Hitler shooting his cousin-wife,
dropping a cyanide pill, and
being burned in a bomb crater by
his own loyalists. Questions?

The kids are fucking freaked out. One girl warily raises
her hand.

TEENAGE GIRL
Um...your...your boyfriend is
coming into town today, right?

Glee.

ERIN
Yes!

The kids visibly relax.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Oh! But I’m also glad that
Hitler died. Very bad man, that
one. Did I mention he married
his cousin?

She’s smiling too much. The kids are uneasy again.

Luckily, he bell rings and the kids go flying out of the
room. Erin looks over to the door to find Damon standing
there.

DAMON
I hope you told them the story
about Eva Braun being Hitler’s
cousin. It’s a crowd-pleaser.

ERIN
Naturally.
 49.

DAMON
Except it’s not true.

ERIN
I was told to teach. They did
not say I had to teach facts.
Next week: how the Fraggles built
the American railroad system.

DAMON
The Doozers built the American
railroad system. The Fraggles
ran around like mental patients
and destroyed it.
(mock angry)
I hate that no one ever thinks of
the Doozers’ feelings.

ERIN
I’m sorry.

DAMON
You know, Hitler actually slept
with his half-sister’s daughter,
and then she committed suicide.
Why not tell them about that?

ERIN
Why do I get the sense that you
find that slightly...erotic?

Obviously these two get on well, and there might even be a

trace or two that it’s more than that. But not much.

Then there’s a knock at the door...and Garrett’s standing

there, grinning from ear to hear. Erin squeals, shocked.

GARRETT
I heard there’s a social studies
teacher in here that I totally
want to get with.
(mock surprise)
Oh, Erin, you’re here too.

She runs over, jumps on him, hugs him and kisses him.
After a few seconds she pulls back.

ERIN
What are you doing here?

GARRETT
I sorta...couldn’t wait. So I
got an earlier flight, Google-
mapped your school, rented a
Hummer and drove over here.
 50.

ERIN
You rented a Hummer? That’s so
gay. Do we have to beat up
someone smaller than you later?

GARRETT
Seriously, it was the only thing
they had left. I’m happily
paying two hundred and twenty
dollars a day so that everyone on
the highway can make small penis
jokes.

More kissing. And now it’s getting a little awkward for

Damon, which Erin must suddenly realize.

ERIN
Oh, baby, this is Damon!

Garrett walks over, shakes his hand.

GARRETT
Garrett, nice to meet you. Heard
a lot about you.

DAMON
Oh...yeah?

GARRETT
Oh yeah, she loves you. Thanks
for keeping her sane, what with
the living situation and all.

Damon seems kind of taken aback by this, and now, realizing

he’s the third wheel, begins to make his exit.

DAMON
Alright, well...I’ll let you guys
get to your Hummering. Have fun
destroying the ozone, commies.

He walks out, and Garrett and Erin keep kissing. Soon it’s
heating up, and then all of a sudden they realize they’re
in a fucking school and they separate. Then Erin leans in
and whispers in his ear:

ERIN
You know what’s inappropriate?
Teachers that don’t wear
underwear to school.

SMASH CUT:

INT. ERIN, CORINNE AND PHIL’S APARTMENT - LATER

The two of them crash through the door, making out

furiously and ripping off clothes.
 51.

Erin literally tears her skirt getting it off. As she’s

undoing her bra Garrett is struggling to get his shirt and
jeans off.

ERIN
HURRY UP!

GARRETT
(through clothes)
I swear I’ve never had this much
trouble getting undressed before.

ERIN
GET YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME!

Naked, she falls down on the couch. Seconds later, Garrett

is free of his textile bonds and on top of her.

There’s some wild, sex-pumping action for a few

seconds...and then, out of the corner of his eye, Garrett
catches something.

Standing in the kitchen is Phil. In his undershirt and,

presumably, boxers. Mouth full of sandwich. He looks like
a wax figure in a museum. He is utterly horrified.

Garrett just stops, still on top of Erin. She smacks him

for stopping, then looks over and sees Phil. And then she
stops. And she slowly grabs a pillow and covers up her
boobs.

PHIL
(mouth full)
Hi.
(a few beats)
I’m Phil.
(a few PAINFUL beats)
This is my sandwich.

ERIN
Um...hi, Phil.

GARRETT
Yes. Hi.

And they continue to stare at each other. Also, Garrett is

still inside Erin, which is weird for everyone at this
point. Phil looks legitimately like he might have just
been spooked retarded.

ERIN
Um...Phil?

PHIL
If you’re going to ask if I saw
you naked, I did. I saw you very
naked. Please don’t tell
Corinne.
(MORE)
 52.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Because you look good, and she’s
not in...you know, shape.

ERIN
I was just...I was just thinking
that maybe you could leave the
kitchen so we could finish?

PHIL
There are bedrooms for that.

GARRETT
Sorry, man. There wasn’t a lot
of...thinking happening.

No one has the courage to make the first move.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - SECONDS LATER

Erin and Garrett come blowing through, naked, clearly

having just made a break for it. They look at each other,
freaked, but quickly their libidos win over and they’re
back to hardcore sex.

LATER

Garrett walks out into the living room, pulling one of

Erin’s bigger (not on him) shirts down over his privates.
Phil’s in the living room, watching him, as he worldessly
collects his clothing.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Everyone is out to dinner - Garrett and Erin (who are

disgustingly all about each other), Corinne and Phil and
Ron and Karen. Each couple is kind of conducting their own
conversations, mostly since Garrett and Erin can’t seem to
keep their hands off each other.

Eventually Corinne speaks up:

CORINNE
So, Garrett...you’re a producer?

GARRETT
Is that what she told you? Well,
at least she lies to make me look
good.

ERIN
I did not tell her that, I told
her a hundred times that you’re
an assistant.
 53.

CORINNE
Assistant, producer, isn’t it
kind of the same?

GARRETT
That would be nice. But no. I
send a lot of emails, run a lot
of errands, read a lot.

KAREN
Do you get to meet any famous
people?

GARRETT
Sure. They’re around the office
a lot, always coming in for
meetings and stuff.

KAREN
Like who?

GARRETT
Well...I mean, I guess whoever’s
famous right now...

KAREN
The Killers?

This causes Ron to start gulping his drink and loudly chew
on his ice.

GARRETT
Mostly people who are actors. I
don’t meet too many musicians.

RON
How about Pamela Anderson? She’s
hot. I bet she even gives it up
to assistants.

KAREN
Ronald!

He goes back to chewing on his ice loudly, making a

spectacle of it. This registers with Garrett.

CORINNE
Do you have to be in Los Angeles
to be an assistant? Could you be
an assistant to someone in
another town? Like in Chicago?

Garrett laughs a little

 54.

GARRETT
Maybe. But if I did that I
couldn’t sleep with a whole bunch
of wannabe-actresses and hide it
from your sister.

CORINNE
Right. But then you’d be CLOSER
to my sister.
(changing gears)
Well, I need to run to the
bathroom.

Karen reluctantly stands up and follows Corinne out of the

booth. Erin looks to Garrett.

ERIN
I kinda have to go. They’re
going to say bad things about you
and I have to pretend like I
care. Also, all girls sign a
contract when they’re 12 saying
that you’ll always group to the
bathroom.

She kisses him on the cheek and gets up. The girls walk
off, Karen shocked and Corinne annoyed.

As soon as they’re gone, Garrett turns back to the guys at

the table. Phil still can’t look at him. Ron continues to
suck in ice and chew it loudly. Then, without warning, he
spits part of a cube right at Garrett, hitting him in the
shoulder.

GARRETT
That...has never happened to me
before.

RON
Do you have any idea the trouble
you’re causing for us, chief?

GARRETT
Chief? Didn’t mean to cause
trouble, nineteen-fifties beat
cop.
(to Phil)
Phil, am I causing trouble?

Head down:

PHIL
I don’t wanna talk about it.

Ron turns to Phil, pissed.

RON
Aw, what the eff, Phil?
 55.

GARRETT
Ron? Tell me what’s bothering
you.

RON
Oh I’ll tell you what’s bothering
me, bucko. You’ve created a
prime-time problem between me and
my fiancee. The flowers, the
emails, the effing Killers
tickets. You think some sappy
phone calls and Internet butt-sex
crap or whatever makes you a real
boyfriend? I’m in the trenches,
dude, where the real hell
happens.

GARRETT
Can I ask you a question? Did
you learn English from watching
Monday Night Football? Because
seriously, that sounded like John
Madden giving dating tips.

RON
Dude, your boyfriend act is
getting old. You do a quarter of
what we do. We’re here all the
time. We have real
relationships. We have to make
eye contact when they yell at us
and hang out with their stupid
effing friends. It’s not just
surprise Hummer rentals and
showing up for the weekend. And
by the way, Hummers are for
pussies.

GARRETT
Wait...so you’re pissed because
I’m paying attention to my
girlfriend as best as I can, and
she’s enjoying it, and your
chicks are mad because they’re
not getting the same kind of
attention?

RON
In a nutshell.

GARRETT
Then why don’t you just pay
better attention to them?

For a second, it looks like this might be something that

Ron just never considered, and he looks to Phil for backup.
Phil, of course, is worthless. Eventually, Ron turns back
to Garrett.
 56.

RON
You’re on thin effing ice,
partner.

Garrett laughs Ron off, but all the same, the wheels are
turning. Is he only 1/4 of a boyfriend?

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Garrett and Erin lie there, neither of them sleeping, just

kind of curled up on each other.

GARRETT
Does this make you happy?

ERIN
What, you being here? No, I’d
much rather be listening to
Corinne and Phil struggle through
four minutes of sex before
watching Fox News.

GARRETT
No, I mean our situation.

He turns over towards her.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Is this making you happy? Is
this what you want?

Erin pulls back.

ERIN
Are you seriously trying to break
up with me right now?

GARRETT
No, no, not at all. I just...I
come home at night, every night,
and I look forward to talking to
you. But I know that the flowers
and the gifts and whatever...they
don’t make up for me not being
here. And I just don’t want
to...

She stops him, putting her hand over his mouth.

ERIN
If I didn’t want to do this, I’d
have stopped it before it
started. There was never a part
of me that didn’t want to be with
you from the second we started
talking.
(MORE)
 57.
ERIN (CONT'D)
Please don’t screw that up by
acting like a typical guy right
now. Please.

They just stay there for a second, looking at each other.

Than Garrett rolls to his back.

GARRETT
I am thinking about taking an
assistant’s position here. In
town. I’m sure I can just
transfer. Corinne says so. And
she’s always right about
everything.
(mostly joking)
I hate your sister.

He kisses her on the head. It’s still easy, but there’s a

realization now that this is going to be harder than they
thought.

INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - DAY

Get it? Midway? Huh? Huh? Because this halfway...OK,

moving on...

Garrett is gathering his few small bags, getting ready to

head to the security line.

ERIN
Please call me as soon as you
land.

GARRETT
I will.

He hugs her...and she latches onto him like she’s never

going to let go. When they finally pull apart, she’s
crying.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Not holding your breath anymore?

ERIN
Don’t need to. I think if I was
drowning you’d just save me
anyway.

He kisses her - it’s a good kiss - and then he grabs a pen

out of his pocket and scrawls something on her hand. Then
he’s off, doing everything he can not to look back.

She looks down at her hand. Written on it is “SIX WEEKS”.

 58.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Dimly lit. Garrett walks into his apartment, bags on his

arm. He’s noticeably fatigued and his face is...just sad.

He heads back into the dark hallway to find the bathroom

door open. We can see Dan on the toiler inside, a sight
line to the TV. The volume is deafening. Dan is on the
crapper. Crapping.

Garrett walks back into the living room and grabs a remote
from the table, muting the TV. Back into hallway.

Dan looks up from a HOME AND GARDEN MAGAZINE at Garrett,

who’s stopped in his tracks. Dan looks worried as hell.

DAN
Heyo, buddy. Thinking about
building a terrarium.

GARRETT
Wow.

DAN
And I’m pushin’ one out.

GARRETT
I can see that.

DAN
I’m sort of scared.

GARRETT
I don’t want to know.

DAN
It’s bad.

GARRETT
Even more of a reason not to tell
me. Dan, whatever you want to
tell me, just don’t tell me.

DAN
(no hesitation)
It’s coming out funny. And it
burns. It feels like I’m
crapping jalapeno soft serve.
And there’s a lot of it. I
looked before. I have no idea
how I’m going to flush this.
Even soft.
(noticing Garrett’s
mood)
Why do you look like you hate me?

Garrett walks past him and into his room. Follow into...
 59.

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - SAME

...where Garrett drops his bags, looks around, and falls

down on his bed. He is a spent man.

From the bathroom:

DAN (O.S.)
Gare? Are you mad because the
door’s open or because I talked
about my feces?

Garrett rubs his eyes.

GARRETT
It’s neither, Dan. Believe it or
not, I’m not even slightly mad at
you.

DAN (O.S.)
You...you like this?

GARRETT
That is not what I said.

DAN (O.S.)
Because I’ve been trying to bring
up an open-door policy for a
couple of months now...

GARRETT
No, Dan, I actually want that
less than I’ve ever wanted
anything.

He thinks a minute - does he want to have this conversation

with Dan? Deciding he does, and though it’s very
uncomfortable, he walks back to the bathroom door. While
they talk, Dan is aggressively wiping his ass:

GARRETT (CONT'D)
I miss her. Jesus, I don’t want
to be all feelingsy-wheelingsy,
but goddamnit it, I miss her. I
love her and I miss her.

Without missing a beat:

DAN (O.S.)
Of course you miss her. She’s
your girl. If you didn’t love
her so much it wouldn’t hurt. It
hurts because it’s great.
Everyone knows that.
(more wiping, he looks
at his tissue because
we all do)
Good GOD, some of this is orange.
(MORE)
 60.
DAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)
What the hell do I eat when I’m
drinking? What do you guys feed
me? I think I have Crohn’s.

But Garrett’s got nothing. He pulls his cell phone out of

his pocket and starts to text as he walks back to his room.
We hear Dan pulling up his pants, buckling his belt, and
flushing.

DAN (O.S.) (CONT'D)

It’s going, it’s going, it’s
going...yes! Oh, no. Fuck.
(to Garrett)
Dude, can you bring me a wire
hanger? This shit’s clogged.

GARRETT
Wire hanger? Use the plunger,
dipshit.

DAN (O.S.)
Oh yeah, OK. “Use the plunger.”
Fuck you, “plunger”. Why don’t
you make up some more words while
you grab me a goddamn wire
hanger?

Garrett, now scared out of his mind, runs out into the hall
and to the bathroom door. He noticeably refuses to look
down.

GARRETT
How often do you clog the toilet?

DAN
What? I don’t know, five or six
times a week.

GARRETT
Five or six...? What do you do
when it happens?

DAN
The fuck do you think I do? I
jam a wire hanger in there like
I’m doing an abortion and I clear
it up. Haven’t you ever been to
Sunday School?
(looks around at floor)
The only other thing we have in
here is a stick with a suction
cup on it.

GARRETT
What do you do with the hangers
when you’re done? Where do you
keep them, Dan? Tell me now, so
help me God.
 61.

DAN
Keep them? Dude, you’re fucking
SICK, OK? Like any normal
person, I bury them in the
fucking backyard. What is your
problem? You act like you’ve
never seen a wire hanger before.
Jesus.

Dan walks out, miffed. Garrett just keeps looking straight

ahead, not really surprised anymore.

LATER

Garrett lays on his bed, looking at his phone. It’s

1:00AM. Sighing, he writes and sends a text message to
Erin. It reads only: I MISS YOU TERRIBLY.

It sends and he shuts his phone, tossing it beside him.

After a few seconds, there’s a response. With all due
speed he grabs the phone and flips it open, only to find a
message from Dan:

GARRETT
(reads text)
No wire hangers at Walgreen’s,
hope you’re happy, how will we
shit...penis?

Garrett closes the phone, tosses it, closes his eyes.

BEGIN MONTAGE SEQUENCE

--Erin and Garrett on the phone. She’s chugging cranberry

juice.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
It sounds like you’re drinking
something. What are you
drinking?

ERIN
Yeah, I’m chugging cranberry
juice because of the awesome UTI
you gave me. I hate cranberry
juice.

GARRETT
That’s what you call some
delicious penis magic, m’lady.

She’s not amused.

--Garrett, at work, sends IMs back and forth with Erin, who
looks like she’s just home from work. They’re all kind of
sappy: I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU, WHY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT SIX
MORE WEEKS, etc...
 62.

--Garrett, out with Dan and Box, is texting furiously on

his phone. Once again, Box slaps it out of his hand and
slaps him in the face.

--In a meeting, Garrett sits behind as some EXECS engage in

conversation. He sees the HEAD EXEC pick up a script that
has his handwriting on it. He tenses. The Head Exec flips
through the pages.

HEAD EXEC
Who did these notes?

Garrett raises his hand.

HEAD EXEC (CONT’D)

Why are assistants doing notes?

He tosses the script aside. Garrett bites his tongue.

--Erin sits at her desk grading papers, looking at the

clock. It’s late, and it’s already dark out. Her phone
rings; it’s Garrett. She wants to answer but can’t.
Ignoring the call, she continues to grade papers...until
Damon comes in with Chinese takeout. She doesn’t want to
stop working, but she smiles and obliges.

--Garrett, at his desk, is sending IMs back and forth with

Erin again. He looks agitated. So does she. We see that
their message boxes are filled with highly sexual
overtures. Garrett slyly covers his erection by putting
three scripts in his lap.

--Another meeting for Garrett. The Execs are all talking.

Garrett tries to break in with something, and one of them,
without even looking at him, give him the finger. Garrett
looks through an entire folder of handwritten notes, tosses
them on the chair next to him.

--Erin looks over plane ticket prices online; nothing under

$400. She opens up a page with her bank account
information, finding she has less than $100 to her name.
Tears well up in her eyes.

--Later, in her car, crying, shes texts Garrett: TICKETS

$500, DON’T THINK I CAN COME :(

--Garrett, looking at his bank account page online - he

doesn’t have much more than her - texts her back: WEIRD, I
HAVE $500 I’M NOT USING :)

--Garrett opens up an envelope - it’s a new credit card.

He notes the number on the front and dials on his phone to
activate it.

END MONTAGE SEQUENCE

 63.

INT. GARRETT’S OFFICE - DAY

Garrett is sitting at his desk, a stack of scripts beside

him, blindly refreshing his email over and over again. He
looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks. All of a sudden a new
email pops up...Garrett scrambles to open it...and it’s an
Evite.

GARRETT
FUCKING EVITE! CUNTS!

As he clicks his mouse harder and harder, he notices that

Brianna is standing behind him. She’s looking super, super
cute, and super, super scared.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Ah...hi. I’m sorry. It’s
just...fucking people, you know?
This is for a month from now. I
mean, who does that?

She smiles a little too hard.

BRIANNA
It’s...it’s mine. It’s for my
birthday.

Of course it is.

GARRETT
Of course it is. No it isn’t.
Is it really?

He clicks back for a closer look.

BRIANNA
Yeah. It is.

GARRETT
Yeah it is. Sorry. Jumped the
gun a little. Can I ask why
you’re planning so far out?

BRIANNA
Well, my family is coming in from
out of town, so I had to make
plans early.

GARRETT
Oh, that’s really sweet. You pay
them well?

The joke falls dead.

BRIANNA
Um...well it’s for my mom, too,
you know?
 64.

GARRETT
Yeah, she’s coming out here,
great!

BRIANNA
Yeah, no...she won’t be making
it.

GARRETT
She’s the only one that doesn’t
like you? Doesn’t like
birthdays? Who doesn’t like her
daughter’s birthday?

Oh, this is awkward. Garrett’s wondering why it’s awkward.

Brianna tells him why it’s awkward:

BRIANNA
Um...she’s dead, so, I
guess...she doesn’t?

GARRETT
Oh.

BRIANNA
Yeah.

GARRETT
Oh, my God...I’m so sorry. I’m
so sorry. I didn’t know. Jesus.

BRIANNA
It’s OK.

GARRETT
No, it’s not. And I think that’s
lovely, you know? Get the family
together and booze it up for mom!
That’s great. Like a wake, then.

BRIANNA
Right. Well, there’s not really
any boozing.

GARRETT
Oh. No?

BRIANNA
No. She was an alcoholic.

Trying for a quick recovery:

GARRETT
Which is why it’s a dry party.

BRIANNA
Yes.
 65.

Trying to recover some more, but too uncomfortable:

GARRETT
So, OK, Brianna’s birthday, no
firewater. Check.

No, Garrett. No, no.

BRIANNA
Also, she was Native American.
I’m half Native American.
Maybe...maybe don’t say
“firewater”. Native Americans
can really struggle with
substance abuse.

Garrett has taken to just rubbing his face nervously. This

is all so, so bad.

GARRETT
You give good tips.

BRIANNA
It’s all pretty much in the
Evite, if you want to go ahead
and read it.

Garrett looks back to his computer screen, scanning over

the Evite.

GARRETT
Right, right...yes, I see that
now. OK, wish I was not a dick
and had read all of that.

BRIANNA
Really, it’s OK.

GARRETT
Oh, it’s very not OK. It’s VERY
not OK. I just, you know, my
brain is fried. I’m waiting for
my girlfriend to email me, she’s
planning her trip out here in a
few weeks and I have to buy the
ticket, and the details...I
haven’t been sleeping, I’m behind
on all this work and then trying
to plan and screwing this up this
morning, I just...
(he laughs nervously)
I just sorta feel like Custer all
of a sudden, you know, all
ambushed and...
(immediately recognizes
that was AWFUL)
No, not Custer, holy Lord, bad
example. Not the Indians.
(MORE)
 66.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
I don’t feel ambushed by Indians,
or your people, he’s just iconic
and it’s the first thing that
popped into my head, it was very
bloody...
(such a losing battle;
he gives up)
Suckity fuck fuck. I...am done
talking. I am just...I am done.

Somehow, this brings a smile to the poor girl’s face. She

sort of looks around for a second and then leans in.

BRIANNA
It’s OK. I know how frustrating
it can be.

GARRETT
What, being ambushed? Again, not
by Indians...

BRIANNA
No. I hear you on the phone, OK?
I did the long distance thing a
few years ago. It sucks.

She smiles and starts to walk off.

GARRETT
So you can give me more good
tips?

She turns back.

BRIANNA
Phone sex.

GARRETT
Phone sex?

BRIANNA
Think about it.

GARRETT
But it’s so...basic cable, circa
1992. I feel I’d get charged two
ninety-nine a minute.

She turns and walks off again.

BRIANNA
You owe me lunch for the Custer
comment. If the phone sex works
I’m bumping it to dinner.

He waves after her, thinking.

 67.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Garrett walks into his apartment, tossing the shit he’s

carrying on the couch. He takes out his phone and dials.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - SAME

She’s reading a book in bed. Her phone rings; the ringtone

is PLAYING WITH THE BOYS by Kenny Loggins.

ERIN
Hey you.

BACK TO GARRETT

GARRETT
Hi, babe...what are you doing?
Because I have something I want
to run by you...

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - LATER

Garrett’s laying on his bed, lotion to his side, kleenex to

his other side, hand in pants, ready for action. On his
phone.

GARRETT
You want to start?

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - SAME

She’s wearing an old t-shirt and old panties, but she still
looks hot as hell. She’s on her phone an holding a glass
of wine.

ERIN
Oh God no. You start.

INTERCUT AS NECESSARY

GARRETT
OK. Um...what are you wearing?

Erin looks down at her clothes. She’s got Gonzo on her

shirt. That’s not going to work.

ERIN
Um...oh, red lace panties and
bra. And a garter.

GARRETT
Really? You went all out for
this.
 68.

ERIN
No not really, you idiot. This
is fantasy. What are you
wearing?

Garrett’s in a pair of track pants only. He’s got nothing.

GARRETT
What...what do you think is sexy?

ERIN
I love when guys wear just white
boxer briefs.

GARRETT
Inventive.

ERIN
Oh yeah.

GARRETT
Like Marky Mark?

ERIN
God, especially Marky Mark.
Actually, if I can call you Marky
Mark I might come right now.
Tell me you’re fingering me on a
roller coaster.

GARRETT
I wish you would take this
seriously.

Erin’s laughing.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
And it doesn’t help if you laugh.
My penis hates that, in fact.

Erin keeps laughing.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Babe, I’m so fucking horny that I
can’t think and my testicles are
the size of...gigantic testicles,
so can you please help me orgasm
while I close my eyes and pretend
that my hand is your vagina?

ERIN
OK, OK, I’m sorry.

Garrett starts tugging.

GARRETT
OK, tell me about something
you’re touching or whatever.
 69.

ERIN
“Or whatever”. You’re a true
romantic.

GARRETT
GODDAMNIT!

ERIN
Sorry, sorry! Um...yes...I’m
touching...myself right now.

Anything would get Garrett off at this point. He’s jerking

off like it’s an Olympic event.

GARRETT
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Where?

ERIN
Everywhere. But mostly on the
wet parts.

She takes a big slug of her wine, looking for a place to

set it down.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Hang on, I actually want to make
good on that.

She sets down the phone. Through it, we can hear Garrett:

GARRETT (O.S.)
(through phone)
Erin? Erin? I need you to tell
me how bad you want to blow me.
Talk about blowing me. There
needs to be blowing.
(beat)
Erin?

She’s back.

ERIN
I’m here! Sorry, had to find a
place to put the merlot.

She gets comfortable. A hand goes into her panties.

ERIN (CONT'D)
OK, I’m there.

Garrett jabs his hand back in his pants. Yelps - that was
a bit too quickly, scratched something.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Yeah that’s right, get excited.

Garrett eases back into it.

 70.

GARRETT
So how does it feel?

She’s starting slow, but also starting to get into it.

ERIN
Yeah...it feels pretty good.

Garrett’s on full-speed.

GARRETT
Oh God, I just want to fuck you.
I want to fuck you so hard.

ERIN
Oh yeah? You want to do me?

She’s starting to get more into it.

GARRETT
I want to be inside you right
now.

A few seconds of them just really getting into it, not

saying anything. Then, Garrett decides to get dirty.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Yeah, I’m gonna fuck you so hard
and then I’m gonna come all over
your face. All over your face.

She’s way into it now. Not slowing down:

ERIN
No no. Not on the face. Come in
the towel beside the pillow.

She manages to make this sound sexy. Garrett is positively

abusing himself and he just goes right with it.

GARRETT
Yeah, I’m gonna come in that
towel and fucking rub it all over
your face.

ERIN
Oh yeah, oh yeah! No, don’t do
that.

GARRETT
Fuck yeah, fuck it, I’ll just
leave the fucking towel there.

ERIN
Oh God, I want you inside me so
bad.
 71.

There are no two people on the planet that have ever

masturbated this feverishly. It’s probably not going to
last much longer.

GARRETT
Yeah? Inside you?

Really into it, she offers more of a harsh whisper, trying

not to be too loud. It’s borderline frightening.

ERIN
YES! GET INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW!

And Garrett doesn’t seem to notice and/or care, being just

as creepy with his loud whispering.

GARRETT
Oh God, OK, I’M INSIDE YOU! OH
GOD IT FEELS GOOD.

ERIN
OH, IT FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD!

GARRETT
FUCK YES. I’M FUCKING FUCKING
YOU.

ERIN
KEEP FUCKING ME!

GARRETT
I WILL NEVER STOP FUCKING YOU!

ERIN
FUCK ME HARDER!

GARRETT
YEAH!

ERIN
FUCK ME HARDER!

GARRETT
YEEEAAH!

ERIN
OH GOD, I FUCKING LOVE RIDING
YOU!

GARRETT
I FUCKING FUCK...wait, what?

Still yanking maniacally, but he’s also thinking now.

ERIN
RIDING YOU, I LOVE IT!
 72.

GARRETT
Riding me?

ERIN
OH YEAH BABY!

A few beats.

GARRETT
But...but I’m on top.

Likely about to come, she slows considerably.

ERIN
What are you talking about? I’m
on top.

GARRETT
How can you be on top?

ERIN
How can I be on top? How can YOU
be on top? We’re in your car,
Garrett.

GARRETT
In my car?

ERIN
Yeah in your car. Aren’t we? I
said that, didn’t I?

GARRETT
No, no you didn’t. You also
talked about the towel by the
pillow, and as far as I know, my
beater doesn’t come equipped with
either bedding or linens.

ERIN
But...I only get off when I’m on
top.

GARRETT
Well THIS WAS YOUR CHANCE TO GET
OFF ON THE BOTTOM THEN! Know
why? Oh, I do - BECAUSE IT’S
FANTASY, remember? You could
have had fifteen orgasms in all
manner of positions and invented
a new flavor of jelly bean if you
wanted to.

They’ve both basically stopped at this point. Garrett’s

still holding on, though. Poor bastard.
 73.

ERIN
Oh. So we weren’t like...there
together.

GARRETT
Oh, well no, I’m pretty sure we
were there together. I mean, I
wasn’t thinking about anyone
else’s vagina.
(beat)
Were you...um, were you, you
know...thinking about Marky
Mark’s dick or anything?

ERIN
Garrett! No!

GARRETT
Well OK then, we were there.
Just next time I think we need to
figure out the details
beforehand.

ERIN
Yeah.

GARRETT
You want to just keep going?

ERIN
I think that moment has passed,
don’t you?

GARRETT
I do now. I’ll call you back.

As he says this, he grabs for the remote, turns on porn.

ERIN
Baby...I’m sorry. We tried. I
love you.

Garrett looks in his pants. Whatever he sees, it’s

painful.

GARRETT
Christ, I didn’t know they could
turn that color.

She winces.

ERIN
I’m sorry.

He snaps his pants back into place.

 74.

GARRETT
(overly chipper and
sarcastic)
No worries! I fucking love the
fuck out of you!

He snaps his phone shut, staring at the wall. Looks at the

porn.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Well this is familiar.

He wants to be angry, but he simply doesn’t have the

energy. Listless and beaten down, he looks around him.
Sees the bottle of lotion. With no regard for the state of
his clothing, he splashes a few huge squirts inside his
pants and mechanically begins masturbating. There is no
pleasure here. There is no eroticism. There is only an
angry, defeated man trying to assuage blue balls.

He looks around his room again, finds an old piece of

pizza, and starts eating.

Looking straight ahead and with a mouth full of pizza, he

talks to himself, deadpan and devoid of life:

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My hand is a
pussy. My hand is a pussy. Fuck
me baby. Yeah. Do me like that.
Make me love you. I’m on top.
I’M ON TOP. More. More. More.
More.

All of a sudden, he finishes. There is no joy in it. He

opens his pants and looks in.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
(to himself)
Hmmmmmm...what’s semen, what’s
lotion? It’s a mystery.
Goodnight.

He blandly continues eating the pizza.

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

Erin’s packing up her things, readying to leave, as Damon

comes walking in.

DAMON
Hey.

ERIN
Hey you! Just getting ready to
leave.
 75.

DAMON
Got a second?

ERIN
Sure, what’s up?

He doesn’t look happy.

DAMON
I kinda drew the short straw.

ERIN
For what? What’s wrong?

DAMON
How come you weren’t at the staff
meeting this morning?

ERIN
There was a staff meeting? Shit.
No one told me. I had a gyno
appointment that I couldn’t get
at any other time, so I took half
a personal day.

Damon sits down at a desk.

DAMON
Um, OK...so, last night at the
board meeting, for whatever
reason, the board and the city
decided to rezone the district.

This doesn’t sound good.

ERIN
Okaaaaaay...

DAMON
Starting next fall...half the
kids from this school will be
bused to Cedar Cliff instead.

ERIN
Half?

DAMON
Yeah.

ERIN
Half? What the fuck?

DAMON
And that means...

ERIN
Oh Jesus. They’re going to have
to lay half of us off.
 76.

DAMON
Yeah.

ERIN
Who?

DAMON
We don’t know yet. We won’t know
until Christmas.

Erin is not happy.

ERIN
So basically, what you’re fucking
saying is that I have four
goddamn months to worry my ass
off about this shit?

DAMON
If I were a sailor, yes, I would
have said that in that manner.

She thinks on this for a second.

ERIN
Only one way to handle this,
then.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Erin and Damon throw back a shot that looks like rancid
hell, grimace, and laugh like idiots. They are fucking
WASTED.

ERIN
You know what? Right now, I
can’t even tell that I’m so
scared I’m ready to puke. My
mouth tastes like pain.

DAMON
My mouth tastes like pee.

Erin, totally oblivious to everything around her, squeezes

her boobs together and sucks in a huge breath, arching her
back.

ERIN
(loud)
GOD I wish Garrett were here.
I’m so fucking horny. Long
distance is LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

This gets Damon’s attention. He turns to say something to

her, but he can only watch as she rubs herself like a total
harlot. Other people are watching too. Damon’s gaze
lingers for a few seconds too long. Yeah, he wants her.
 77.

DAMON
That must be...rough.

ERIN
(still to loud)
Ugh, and I’m fucking on my period
right now too, which makes it so
much worse. And it’s especially
heavy this month. So I’m even
hornier and moody as hell and
bleeding like a stab victim.

A PATRON sitting next to them abruptly gets up and moves

the hell away from the bar. The BARTENDER, amused but
officious, comes over to Damon.

DAMON
I know. We should probably be
going.

EXT. BAR - MINUTES LATER

Damon waits with Erin for her cab. Neither of them have
jackets and it looks like it might be a little bit chilly.
Damon, probably absentmindedly - but maybe not - rubs her
shoulders to keep her warm. Fucked up as she is, she
doesn’t stop him, but then again she doesn’t really seem to
notice.

DAMON
What are you up to this weekend?

ERIN
Going to LA to visit Garrett.

DAMON
Ah.

A cab pulls up.

ERIN
This must be me.

She turns to hug Damon. It lingers a little bit - and this

time, it’s both of them hanging on. Erin finally pulls
back, but doesn’t seem unnerved. Damon helps her into the
backseat and shuts the door. Once in, she rolls down the
window.

ERIN (CONT’D)
Hey.

DAMON
Yeah?
 78.

ERIN
You’re a swell guy, you know
that?

DAMON
Aw gee, thanks Mrs. Cleaver!

We can tell, though, that he totally wants to kiss her.

But she waves innocently, rolls up the window, and the cab
speeds off, leaving Damon a little speechless.

INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - DAY

Erin’s waiting in line to board when her phone rings. She

looks at the number, doesn’t know it. Answers anyway.

ERIN
(into phone)
Hello? Yes, this is she? Oh hi!
Yes. Yes.
(look of real concern)
Oh. Oh. Are you sure
that...well, no, I’m not worried
if you aren’t...sure, no, Tuesday
evening is fine. Thank you.

She hangs up, seriously worried as she boards the plane.

INT. LAX - LATER

Erin’s plane lands, and she immediately turns on her phone.

She still looks worried as hell. As it powers up, she sees
that she has a text message. It’s from Garrett: BABE,
STUCK AT WORK, SO SORRY, CAB TO MY PLACE, WILL PAY FOR IT,
MEET YOU THERE, LOVE YOU :)

Annoyed now, she snaps the phone shut.

EXT. APARTMENT - LATER

The cab pulls up to Garrett’s apartment. Erin looks; his

car’s in the driveway. She’s none too happy as the CABBIE
helps her get her bags out of the trunk.

INT. APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

It’s very, very low-lit. The front door opens and Erin
struggles in with her bags, just about at wits’ end.
That’s when she notices that Garrett’s decorated the entire
apartment in candles, creating a walkway that leads to the
hallway entrance, where he’s standing.

This cools her rage inferno dramatically.

 79.

GARRETT
I figured you wouldn’t too much
mind the cab ride if I came here
to do this. You know...because
of the candles.
(beat)
Romance and whatnot.

She laughs and walks over to him, dropping her bags. They
start kissing, and within moments, it’s pretty passionate.

That’s when they hear the door to Dan’s bedroom open. Just
a crack. We can see barely his eyes and part of his head
from inside. Garrett and Erin stop kissing. Garrett
doesn’t even turn around.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Dan? What did we talk about?

After a few seconds:

DAN
It’s very lonely in here. And
dark.

GARRETT
I didn’t tell you to turn out
your light.

Another few seconds.

DAN
I can’t find the light switch.

GARRETT
Dan...

DAN
I just stepped on something. It
felt like bacon. I hate bacon.

GARRETT
You love bacon.

DAN
Not in the dark.
(beat, beat, beat)
Hi Erin.

ERIN
Hi, Dan.

DAN
I’ve missed you.

ERIN
I missed you too.
 80.

DAN
How long will you be here?

ERIN
Until Sunday night, why?

DAN
Just wanted to know how long I’m
going to be captive in here.

GARRETT
I ONLY TOLD YOU TO WAIT TO COME
OUT UNTIL WE GOT TO MY ROOM YOU
DICK!

Before he can even finish, Dan slams the door to his room.
Erin and Garrett laugh, then go back to making out.
Garrett begins to tenderly but aggressively drag her back
to his bedroom.

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

As they crash through the door, they’re still going at it,

but it’s subdued, more romantic, less animal than we’ve
normally seen them.

And then we notice that it’s more Erin holding back with
Garrett about to pop his cork, trying for more. Reaching
his limit, he throws her on the bed and tears his shirt
off, jumping on her.

They kiss for a few seconds, and then Erin moves away.

ERIN
Babe, wait.

GARRETT
OK. How long?
(two seconds pass)
Can I be done waiting now?

He tries to move back in. She playfully pushes him away,

laughing.

ERIN
Baby, stop it.

GARRETT
Stop it? Do you remember any of
the violently dirty things you
told me you were going to let me
do to over the last eight weeks?
Do you even think for a second
that it’s not my goal to try all
of them in the next three
minutes?
 81.

ERIN
Just...I need a second to just
look at you, OK? I missed you
and I just need a minute to look
at you.

Hard to argue with that, especially when she’s being so

sweet. He nods his head and lays down next to her. They
just take a few breaths to touch and stare.

Then, all of a sudden, Erin starts frowning. Garrett knows

right away it’s serious and his mood changes drastically.

GARRETT
What’s wrong?

She sort of struggles to get it out.

ERIN
When I was boarding the plane
this afternoon, I got a call from
my gyno.

GARRETT
OK.

ERIN
I had an abnormal pap. I have to
go back in for more tests on
Tuesday.

GARRETT
Oh God. Is that really bad? It
sounds bad, but I have no idea
what you’re talking about. Do I
have an STD now?

ERIN
No. And I don’t know, I’ve never
had one that was abnormal before.

GARRETT
Is it, like, uncommon?

ERIN
Oh no, the doctor told me that
everyone has an abnormal pap at
some point. It’s abnormal to not
be abnormal sometimes.

GARRETT
Oh. Well...did she sound
worried?

ERIN
Actually no, she made it sound
like it was totally no big deal.
But I’m still freaked out.
 82.

Garrett takes this in for a second.

GARRETT
So...you’re worried though? Not
to sound insensitive, but...I can
put my penis in you, right?

Erin, offended, sits up a bit.

ERIN
Is that the only reason you want
me here?

Garrett sits up too, agitated.

GARRETT
What?

ERIN
You just want me here so you can
fuck me, is that it?

GARRETT
Are you out of your mind? You
have been a participant in the
sexual buildup! I’ve been
getting painful erections at work
because of the things you’ve
written to me! How can you
expect me to not want to fuck you
right now? If I were you, I’d be
offended if I tried to do
anything else!

ERIN
God, you can be such an asshole.

Erin stands up.

ERIN (CONT'D)
I don’t. Feel. Like fucking.

GARRETT
Making love?

ERIN
Oh, you’re such an idiot. It has
nothing to do with that. Do you
understand that the health of my
vagina is in question? Do you
have any concept of how quickly
that can kill a sex drive?

GARRETT
I’m starting to get a concept.
 83.

ERIN
Jesus Garrett, between this and
losing my job...

GARRETT
Whoa, wait, what? Losing your
job? When did you lose your job?

ERIN
Do you listen to anything I tell
you?

GARRETT
Um, I pretty sure I listen to
everything you tell me, which is
why I’m so fucking surprised at
the moment that you don’t have a
job anymore.

Erin thinks about this for a second.

ERIN
Oh. OK. OK, I might have
forgotten to tell you.

GARRETT
Pretty big omission!

ERIN
I was stressed, I’m sorry. The
night I found out I got drunk
with Damon and I was hungover the
next morning...

GARRETT
You got drunk with Damon? Just
you and Damon?

ERIN
Yes.
(she thinks)
Why? Does that upset you?

Garrett considers this.

GARRETT
I don’t know. I feel like it
should upset me.

ERIN
So...does it?

He continues to think.

GARRETT
I don’t know. Let’s come back to
that. Tell me why you don’t have
a job.
 84.

ERIN
I do. For the moment. But they
rezoned our district and now half
of our kids are going to another
school, so they’re laying off
half the teachers. I could be
one.

GARRETT
Yikes. That sucks.

He walks up to her and hugs her.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Sorry. You probably had a shitty
week.

ERIN
I did have a shitty week. I’m
stressed and my vagina has a cold
and I just don’t feel sexy.

Still hugging.

GARRETT
I know how to help that.

ERIN
Oh? How?

GARRETT
I can put my dick in your mouth.

She immediately shoves away from him, slaps him on the

shoulder, and leaves the room. Without fucking him.
Garrett rubs his crotch, pained.

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT

It’s later that night, and Garrett and Erin are at the same
dive bar where they met. They’re at a big table with Dan
(looking nervous) and Box (looking nervous for Dan) and a
bunch of Erin’s friends from the dinner scene earlier.

Aaaaaaaaaaand...it’s pretty silent. Not a lot of talking

going on. It’s especially icy between Garrett and Erin,
whose body language tells us that they’d just as soon be
miles apart at the moment.

Dan is highly uncomfortable with the silence. He’s

sweating a little. He goes to say something, but Box slaps
a hand on his shoulder. Dan turns to him, jumpy.

BOX
Whatever it is you think you want
to say...consider whether or not
these people want to hear it.
 85.

DAN
OK.

BOX
Think, Dan.

Dan nods, turns back to everyone, still nervous. He zeroes

in on a blonde girl across the table.

DAN
Pretty blonde lady across from
me? Would I be correct in
guessing that you’re wearing a
mini-skirt?

She’s unnerved, and rightfully so.

FRIEND #1
I...yes. Why?

Dan begins to laugh creepily, as if he wants to say

something but can’t get it out.

DAN
Well, point of fact, if I may, a
bit of trivia, as it would seem
that I knew that because, I
believe, I can see your vagina.

That’s it. Garrett’s forehead instantly hits the table.

Box leans backwards and looks at the ceiling. The Friend
slams down her glass, gets up, and leaves the table. The
rest of the Friends follow her, and Erin is close behind
them.

After a few seconds, Garrett picks his head up, looks right
at Dan, simply nods incredulously at him, stands up
silently, and walks to the bar.

LATER

Garrett does a shot by himself.

LATER STILL

Garrett does a shot by himself.

AND STILL LATER

Another shot. It’s been a good twenty minutes. And then

from behind him:

BRIANNA (O.S.)
Garrett?
 86.

He wheels around and there’s Brianna. Sweet goddamn.

She’s all tarted up, and if there’s any doubt that she was
hot as hell before, it’s gone. Her shirt is going a long
way to redefining “low-cut”.

GARRETT
Brianna?

BRIANNA
I know, I usually keep it toned
down for the office...

GARRETT
No, it’s just...you’re in a bar.

BRIANNA
I’m the designated donkey for the
evening. For every evening.

GARRETT
Have you ever been drunk?

BRIANNA
I have not.

GARRETT
Why do you hate merriment?

Her smile tells us she thinks he’s adorable.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Hey, c’mon - you can’t know who
you are, really, until you’ve
been drunk.

BRIANNA
Been drunk, or been drunk with
you?

She smiles. Then, from behind both of them:

ERIN (O.S.)
Hi, I’m Erin.

They both turn around. Sure enough, it’s Erin! Garrett

puts both his arms in the air in a “TOUCHDOWN!” signal.

GARRETT
It’s Erin! My girlfriend!
Yaaaaaaay! Erin, say hi to
Brianna, her desk is near mine at
work.

ERIN
Hello Brianna-her-desk-is-near-
mine-at-work.
 87.

There’s some poison in that, but if Brianna noticed, she’s

not letting on.

BRIANNA
Hi! It is SO nice to meet you.
If you only knew how much he
talks about you when he’s not
talking to you. I hear about you
all the time. We all do. You
have a small fan club. We hold
bake sales.

Brianna’s really trying to be as nice as possible, but it’s

coming off as pandering to Erin. She hates Brianna.

ERIN
You hear that, babe? I’m more
popular than you are at work.

GARRETT
It’s true.

BRIANNA
I’m so glad you’re here, I was
really hoping to meet you.

GARRETT
She has been hoping.

Brianna’s still sincere. Erin wants her to die.

ERIN
Well...this is me. Ta-da.

Sensing that this could get awkward...

GARRETT
So who’s doing a shot with me?

He does six-gun-fingers to both of them, and then realizing

he’s pointing at Brianna, he turns painfully so he’s just
pointing at Erin. She glares.

BRIANNA
Nice finger guns. Actually, I
have to get back to my friends.
(to Erin)
So nice to meet you. When are
you going to be back out?

She’s so nice. Erin wants badly to punch her.

ERIN
Soon. God willing. If God wills
it, I’ll be back soon. I guess
it depends on your belief in God.
 88.

Brianna doesn’t know what to do with that, so she turns to

Garrett.

BRIANNA
See you Monday.

She walks off. Garrett waits for Erin to turn to him.

GARRETT
So...what shot are we doing?

Yeah, they’re probably not doing a shot. Dan walks up,

looking after Brianna.

DAN
Who was that fuckable, fuckable,
fuckable girl that you were
talking to? Because I would fuck
her.

Garrett glares at Dan, but what’s the point? Dan shrugs,

no reason to try to dig his way out of the hole now.

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - MORNING

Erin wakes up in Garrett’s bed, Garrett with his arms

wrapped around her, still sleeping. She tries to move, but
he squeezes her tighter, kisses her on the shoulder. It’s
impossibly sweet, even if he’s unconscious. Maybe even
more so. He opens his eyes.

GARRETT
Hi.

ERIN
Hi.

GARRETT
I’m sorry.

And that’s all it takes. The dam broken, she turns over
and starts kissing him. He wakes up after a few seconds,
realizes what’s going on - he’s going to get lucky - and
wordlessly, they just flow into it. Best morning sex ever.

EXT. LAX - NIGHT

Garrett’s car pulls up to the drop-off lane. Garrett and

Erin get out, get her bags. They hug. They hug and hug
and hug, and she cries harder and harder. They never even
say a word.

INT. CORINNE’S CAR - NIGHT

Corinne is driving with a puffy-eyed Erin, agitated.

 89.

CORINNE
What a prick.

ERIN
Corinne, I’m not telling you this
so you can bash him. I’m telling
you this so I can tell you this
and so I’ll feel better.

CORINNE
Oh, I’m sorry, you want me to be
constructive when he treated you
like a farm animal in West
Virginia? He treated you like
crap and he’s an asshole.

ERIN
He’s not an asshole.

CORINNE
OK, fine.

ERIN
Thank you.

CORINNE
Oh I was being sarcastic, he’s an
asshole.
(off Erin’s look)
You have to get out of this
relationship.

ERIN
Stop it. Now you’re just being
rude. You don’t even know the
whole story.

CORINNE
I don’t have to know the story.
It’s not about the story. Are
you moving back to LA?

ERIN
I don’t know. If I lose my
job...I’d think about it.

CORINNE
Wow, that sounds like conviction.
What if you keep it? Is he
moving to Chicago?

ERIN
No, but that’s...

CORINNE
No, that’s EXACTLY the point.
Sweetie, how long do you want to
date?
(MORE)
 90.
CORINNE (CONT'D)
How long do you want the rest of
your life up in the air? How
long are you going to put
yourself through the stress?

Erin is defiant.

ERIN
He’s worth it.

She means it. Corinne can see that.

CORINNE
OK, you’re right. He IS worth
it.
(for emphasis)
But is IT worth it?
(waiting)
And what about Damon?

Erin’s head whips around.

ERIN
What ABOUT Damon, Corinne?

She turns to her sister, and really, there’s nothing but

compassion in her eyes.

CORINNE
He’s here, kiddo. He’s here.

Erin turns toward the window, ready to cry. She takes a

sec, composes herself, and turns back to Corinne.

ERIN
You bring up Damon in that
capacity again and I will tell
Phil about your double-
penetrating vibrator.

Corinne goes fire engine red, then green, her hand covering
her mouth.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - LATER

Erin walks in, throws down her bags. Paces for a second.
Picks up her phone, dials.

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - SAME

Garrett’s phone rings, and he answers it excitedly.

INTERCUT AS NECESSARY

GARRETT
You’re home? That took forever.
 91.

ERIN
Why couldn’t you just comfort me?

GARRETT
What?

ERIN
When I got there. On Friday.
Why were you so unable to just
make me feel better?

GARRETT
Jesus, really?

ERIN
Yes! Yes, really!

Garrett’s annoyed, but he’s doing his best to compose

himself.

GARRETT
I’m sorry. I should have done
better. I should have listened.
But please believe me when I tell
you that I was physically unable
to do so.

ERIN
Really? Your ears shorted out
the second I walked in the door?

GARRETT
No, we...you KNOW we spent the
last eight weeks emailing the
nastiest shit back and forth to
each other. After a week I was
ready to implode, and even
jacking off I was building up
enough come to keep a Mormon
pregnant until the rapture. It’s
fucking hard when you’re not here
and I want you so bad!

ERIN
So that’s it?

GARRETT
That’s it? Erin, my brain
stopped working! Do you know how
hot you are? I saw you and my
brain stopped working. I needed
you. Do you have any idea how
much I’ve been masturbating
lately thinking about you? I
took one day off and I had a
nocturnal emission. I am
literally wearing out all the
joints in my left arm.
(MORE)
 92.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
I am not kidding. I’m going to
need fucking Tommy John surgery!
Seriously, when we are done
talking I’m hanging up and I’m
calling Dr. James Andrews to save
my fucking arm.

ERIN
Doctor who?

GARRETT
I knew that one was going over
your head...

ERIN
OK, so, fine then, admit it: this
is only physical for you.

And that’s it for Garrett. He loses it.

GARRETT
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Did some toxin on the plane give
you Down’s Syndrome? How could
you possibly say something like
that?

ERIN
It’s certainly all you wanted.

GARRETT
It was all I wanted AT THAT
MOMENT. AT THAT MOMENT! My GOD,
how could you even try to deny
that everything that happens
between us now is so much more
than just physical? Those eight
weeks we spend apart? All we do
is NOT touch. All I do is
listen. So you’ll have to
forgive me if all I can think
about when I see you for the
first time is sticking every
appendage I have in your pink
parts.

Erin, past her breaking point, just starts bawling.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Yeah, alright, fucking cry.
That’s your goddamn ticket out of
everything. Well I’m not
punching that bullshit this time.
Call Damon, you tell him more
than you ever tell me anyway.
I’m sure he’s next in line.

He snaps his phone shut.

 93.

ERIN
Babe, I’m sor...

She hears a click. He’s hung up. She drops her phone,
crying.

BACK TO GARRETT

He let’s out a frustrated wail, throws his phone on his

bed, and stalks out of the room.

INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

Another meeting of the Execs at the studio. Garrett’s

sitting in the background again. He looks pissed off,
tired, and at the end of his rope.

The Head Exec pulls a sheet off a pile.

HEAD EXEC
Alright, so...OK, we’ve got this
Avril Levigne project, FEMME DU
NORD. If we’re going to make a
move on it, we need to do it
soon. So who thinks what?

Garrett can’t believe his ears - they’re considering it? A

FAT EXEC chimes in.

FAT EXEC
I think this project has
tremendous potential. Good
action, good writing, and this
Avril kid really seems like she’s
something...

GARRETT (O.S.)
You are fucking KIDDING me.

Shocked out of their pants, everyone looks back at Garrett.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Don’t look at me like I’ve got
five heads. You can’t really
think this has any potential at
all.

FAT EXEC
Um, excuse me, but kids love
Avril Levigne.

GARRETT
Everyone hates Avril Levigne.
And who cares even if they did?
It’s a spy thriller.
(MORE)
 94.
GARRETT (CONT'D)
I use the term “thriller”
loosely, because the script
sucks, but no Avril Levigne fan
is the target market for this
shit.

The Head Exec looks at him like he’s going to say

something. Garrett stands up and cuts him off.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Ah, save it. I know you read my
notes on this. You read all the
notes, even from the peons. If
there’s actually a serious
discussion as to whether or not
this should get made anywhere,
let alone here, I’m just going to
go vomit on a plate, because
you’ll buy that shit too. And
then I’ll be rich.

He looks down at Will, who looks like he really, really

wants to laugh, and bolts the room.

INT. GARRETT’S OFFICE - LATER

Garrett’s packing up everything he has. Will shows up at

the doorway.

WILL
I’m not really wild about getting
another assistant.

GARRETT
Shouldn’t be too hard to find
someone who wastes all their time
talking to a girlfriend that
hates them.

WILL
So, starting tomorrow, you’re
going to help me look for your
replacement.

GARRETT
Oh, we meeting people at In ‘N
Out? I don’t think they’re going
to let me back in the building.

WILL
You’d be surprised.

Just then, an IT GUY comes walking into the office. He

starts shutting down Garrett’s computer.
 95.

GARRETT
Excuse me, resident hacker, but I
have files I need to get off of
there before I leave.

IT GUY
Oh, well, I’ll have this set up
in your office in ten minutes,
can you do it then? I have to
move another computer up here by
three.

GARRETT
The fuck you talking about, my
office?

IT GUY
You got moved down the hall.
Congrats, by the way. They
haven’t promoted anyone in like
three years.

And then it sinks in. He’s not fired. He’s promoted. He

looks at Will.

GARRETT
If you’re fucking with me I swear
to God I will run over there and
kick you in the balls.

Will walks up, puts his hand on Garrett’s shoulder.

WILL
(huge grin)
You ever notice you can’t get up
the courage to do anything unless
you’re prodded into it?

He smacks him on the cheek twice and walks into his own
office. Garrett stands there, stunned.

INT. GARRETT’S CAR - NIGHT

The driver’s side door opens and Garrett gets in, dialing
his phone. He waits as it rings. We hear someone pick up
on the other end.

ERIN (O.S.)
(through phone, quiet)
I’m so glad you called.

GARRETT
You’re not going to believe this.

ERIN (O.S.)
(through phone)
Everything OK?
 96.

GARRETT
I flipped out at the story
meeting today. Lost my shit.

ERIN (O.S.)
(through phone)
Oh God, Gare, are you alright?

GARRETT
They promoted me. I’m a
producer. I have no idea what
just happened, but I’m a producer
now.

Despite herself, despite the fight they just had the night
before, we hear Erin screaming happily through the phone.

ERIN (O.S.)
(through phone)
BABY! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!

She’s laughing, so genuinely happy for him. It’s a moment

that overwhelms Garrett, and his eyes well up. He’s
starting to cry.

ERIN (CONT'D)
Babe?

GARRETT
Yeah?

ERIN
I’m so sorry.

GARRETT
(through tears)
Me too. Can we just...can you
just promise me we can make it
through Christmas?

ERIN (O.S.)
(through phone)
Oh, baby. Of course we can. We
will.

And whatever stress he has inside him, Garrett lets go.

BEGIN LAST MONTAGE SEQUENCE

--Garrett in another story meeting. He seems to be

pitching something, and he’s rather impassioned. He
finishes with a flourish. The rest of the room looks
around at each other...and then they all shake their heads,
unimpressed. Where once Garrett might have thrown a fit,
he just nods his head and we can tell his disappointed but
he’s not going to let it bother him.
 97.

--Garrett eats Thanksgiving dinner in a bar with Dan and

Box. They’re laughing and drunk as shit. They’re happy.

--Erin eats Thanksgiving dinner with Corinne, Phil and

their FAMILY. It’s all smiles and good vibes. They’re
happy.

--In the teacher’s lounge, we can just see Erin and Damon’s
heads sticking up over the tops of newspapers as they read.
Simultaneously, she reaches a coffee mug over towards him
as he swings a pot of coffee around, neither of them ever
averting their gaze from their newspaper. It’s become
their routine.

--At a restaurant, Garrett and Brianna have a lively and

spirited but friendly debate about a movie or an actor or a
director or a writer. It’s clear they have their own
routine.

--In his office, Garrett’s on the phone with an agent going

over the details of some project. As he’s talking, an IM
from Erin pops up on the screen: I MISS YOU :(

Without missing a beat on the phone, Garrett swings over to

his desk and types back: I MISS YOU TOO - ONLY A FEW MORE
WEEKS. BY THE WAY, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO CHECK OUT THE
TEACHER’S LOUNGE :)

He smiles and goes back to his phone call.

--Erin walks down to the lounge and finds a GIGANTIC vase

full of red and white roses there. All the female teachers
feign jealousy.

--Erin and Corinne walk into the gynocologist’s office.

Erin looks nervous.

--Garrett works late into the night in his office, sending

emails and typing notes.

--Garrett hops into a cab at his apartment. Later, he’s on

his way when he looks out the window. He notices
something, then signals to the driver to turn around and go
back.

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

An overhead view of the counter in the pawn shop. Across

it gently slides the crystal bear with the red bow on it,
led by Garrett’s hand. When he comes into view, he’s
beaming from ear to ear.
 98.

INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - NIGHT

Garrett’s headed off the plane and into the terminal when
he hears his cell phone ringing. It’s Erin. He picks it
up.

GARRETT
Hey you. You outside?

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - SAME

Erin is curled up in a ball in her bed, under the covers,

bawling.

ERIN
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

INTERCUT AS NECESSARY

GARRETT
What’s wrong?

ERIN
(sobbing)
I had my...I had
my...my...proceeeeeeedure
yesterday.

GARRETT
I know, I thought you’d call but
when you didn’t I thought I
shouldn’t bother you. Does it
hurt?

ERIN
Yes. It’s the most aw...the most
awful thing I’ve ever gone
through. It feels like they put
my vagina in the freezer and then
hit it with a hammer.

Garrett can’t help but crack a little bit of a smile.

She’s unbelievably cute when she’s sad.

GARRETT
I’m gonna be there soon, OK?
I’ll grab a cab...

ERIN
No, I sent Corrine to get you.

Not great news.

GARRETT
That’s great. That’s perfect.
I’ll see you in an hour. I love
you.
 99.

ERIN
I love youuuuuuuuu toooooooooo...

She hangs up, he hangs up.

INT. CORINNE’S CAR - LATER

It’s kind of uncomfortable. Corinne more or less refuses

to look at Garrett.

GARRETT
So, this thing she had done...

CORINNE
You could have called. You
SHOULD have called.

A few moments of silence.

GARRETT
I know.

Not what she was expecting to hear. It softens her a bit.

All in one breath:

CORINNE
(totally rehearsed)
What Erin had done was a
procedure that’s common among all
women across a broad spectrum of
ages and ethnicities. About
three in five women will require
the procedure at some point in
their lives. In it, the doctor
uses cryonic freezing technology
to isolate and destroy abnormal
cells that may be deemed
suspicious and potentially
damaging to overall cervical
health, even on a low-risk scale.

She sucks in much-needed wind.

GARRETT
So they froze up her lady parts?

CORINNE
Immature. Yes.

GARRETT
How long did it take you to
memorize from a pamphlet?

CORINNE
All afternoon.
 100.

GARRETT
Is that pamphlet currently
located in the glove compartment?

CORINNE
It is.

GARRETT
May I?

CORINNE
You may.

He opens the glove compartment, pulls out a pamphlet

dealing with the specifics of the procedure, and starts
reading.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - LATER

It’s dark as Garrett opens the door and walks in.

GARRETT
You up?

ERIN
I think so.

GARRETT
Is it OK if I turn on a light?

ERIN
Maybe.

He does. She slowly sits up on the bed. Her face is PUFFY

from crying. Garrett smiles.

GARRETT
Hi, I’m Garrett from the Make-A-
Wish Foundation. Aren’t you just
the cutest little chemo patient?

Luckily (or perhaps sadly, depending on your view of the

world and this story), this makes her laugh. And then she
goes back to crying.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Is there anything I can do for
you? Get you?

ERIN
(sobbing)
Yes.

GARRETT
What’s that?
 101.

ERIN
(sobbing)
You can make black sludge stop
sliding out of my insides.

GARRETT
The pamphlet didn’t mention that.

She cries harder. Garrett, again unable to suppress a

small smile, holds her hand and pulls her in close. She
hugs him as tightly as she possibily can. Muffled, because
her face is smashed into his chest:

ERIN
(voice breaking)
I’m defrosting!

She cries, he laughs, and they hold each other. After a

moment, she leans back and grabs a bottle of Coke off her
bedside table. She takes a big swig, then holds it out,
offering him some. He waves it off.

GARRETT
No no. I’ve got to be back to
work in six days. Don’t need to
go catching a frozen vagina.

That makes her laugh. Hard. But this hurts her vagina, so
she frowns.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - MORNING

It’s the next morning. Erin is in front of her mirror,

getting dressed, looking less the worse for wear. Garrett
opens the door and comes in from the bathroom.

GARRETT
You look better.

ERIN
I’m still leaking. God, it’s
gross.

GARRETT
Here’s the thing. I know you are
and I believe that it is. So,
that in mind, we REALLY don’t
have to talk about it anymore.

Erin manages a small but explosive laugh.

ERIN
You’re right, sorry.

GARRETT
S’OK.
 102.

Garrett reaches down and fishes around in his bag for

something when his hand hits a box.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Babe? Come sit on the bed with
me for a second?

ERIN
Sure.

She finishes primping and sits down with him on the corner
of the bed. He produces the box.

GARRETT
Merry Christmas.

ERIN
Presents!

As she opens the box and begins to take the paper stuffing
out, he starts into a little speech. He’s nervous, and he
can’t look right at her, so his gaze goes from down at the
floor to any other place in the room.

GARRETT
So, I was thinking, the thing you
told me about your dad and the
thing that happened to my
parents, and I thought...

She finally gets the bear out of the box and handles it,
almost with awe.

ERIN
Oh, Garrett.

Her eyes well up, and her reaction is an immediate mixture

of gratitude...and shock?

GARRETT
Yeah, see what I was thinking
was...

As he’s trying to find the words, he happens to look over

her shoulder for the first time, right to her bedside
table, next to the empty Coke bottle. Sitting there is a
crystal bear that’s almost exactly the same, but bigger and
with a blue bow around the neck, not a red one.

Breaking her gaze from Garrett’s bear, she looks back to

the one on her bedside table.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Oh.

And that’s all he gets out.

 103.

ERIN
Yeah. Um...Damon got that for
me. He gave it to me at the end
of the last day of school.

GARRETT
(utterly, irrevocably
crushed)
Oh.

ERIN
No, see...ahhhhhhhhhh. Here’s
the thing. All the teachers from
school went out to dinner the
other night, and he was walking
me back to my car, and we passed
this shop, and I looked in the
window and saw it, and remarked
that it was cute. And then
before I left on Thursday he
brought it in and gave it to me.

Garrett tries not to die inside, tries to be sincere.

GARRETT
That was...really good of him.
He’s got great taste in Christmas
gifts, obviously.

ERIN
Um...it was more of a
congratulations gift, I think.

GARRETT
Congratulations?

ERIN
Yeah. I’m not getting fired. I
get to keep my job. I forget to
tell you because of the
procedure. They kept Mr. Marsh,
who’s tenured, and me, the one
who makes the least money.

She tries to smile, and we can tell she’s happy...but her

heart’s not in it. Again, Garrett does his best:

GARRETT
That’s great, babe. Now you
don’t have to worry.

Seemingly stricken remembering Garrett’s bear in her hand,

her eyes well up again.

ERIN
But Gare, this one...this is the
one that my dad...
(MORE)
 104.
ERIN (CONT'D)
(tries to rein it in)
This is much better than...

GARRETT
Babe? It’s OK. It’s OK.
Really. I had my chances.

He smiles a weak smile. He’s not just talking about the

bear.

INT. ERIN’S MOM’S HOUSE - DAY

Erin and Garrett arrive at her MOM’S warm, inviting house

for
Christmas dinner. Garrett is wearing a garish, overly-
festive Christmas-colored Cosby sweater for the occasion.
It’s a big hit with Erin’s rather large FAMILY, the members
of whom welcome him happily.

AT DINNER

Garrett cracks jokes while everyone passes around plates of

food. Erin, sitting next to him, laughs to the point of
convulsions. We see that her hand rests on his leg
comfortably the entire time. When he’s done passing
plates, his hand joins hers.

AFTER DINNER

The two sit on a couch in the living room, Erin rubbing her
stomach, her head in Garrett’s lap, him rubbing her head.
They’re watching A CHRISTMAS STORY.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREETS - NIGHT

Garrett and Erin walk, arm in arm, down the street.

Judging by their breath, it’s freezing cold, and they’re
huddling as much to keep warm as to be near one another.
They don’t seem to be talking, just enjoying the night. At
one point, Erin gets on her tip toes and kisses him on the
cheek.

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The two are in bed, kissing. Erin pulls back.

ERIN
You know I can’t...I
can’’t...because of the thing.

GARRETT
I know. It’s OK
(off her look)
Really. It’s OK.
 105.

He means it, and she can tell he means it.

EXT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - DAY

We see Erin’s car pull into a parking structure at the

airport.

INT. ERIN’S CAR - MINUTES LATER

Erin’s car pulls into a parking space.

GARRETT
Do I not rate for curbside
service?

ERIN
I want to come in with you.

And with that, she’s out of the car.

INT. MIDWAY AIRPORT - MINUTES LATER

Garrett, with all his bags, walks in through the automatic

doors with Erin behind him. The airport is crowded as
hell. After a few seconds, he turns around to face her.

GARRETT
Well...

And that’s all he gets out. Looking at her, he’s about to

lose it. And he knows he’s about to lose it. And she
knows he’s about to lose it. So he does the obvious thing:
he turns and starts walking away.

ERIN
Garrett?

In a near panic, he finds an unoccupied bench - not just a

small bit of luck - and sits down. Erin sits down next to
him. After a few seconds of holding his head in his hands,
he looks up at her. He’s officially losing his shit.

This time, it’s Erin that calms him.

ERIN (CONT'D)
Garrett?

GARRETT
Yeah?

ERIN
When you gave me the bear, you
were trying to say something.
What were you going to say?
 106.

It’s all Garrett can do to collect himself, but he steels,

knowing he has to.

GARRETT
It was nothing, really. I was
just going to say that even
though your dad lost his head and
my parents should be alternates
for JERRY SPRINGER, that doesn’t
mean that we can’t be different.
It doesn’t mean that we have to
end up like them. I mean, that’s
the most simple concept in the
world. I don’t know why it took
me so long to get that through my
thick skull.

ERIN
Yeah.

GARRETT
Yeah. And yet here we are.
Ending up like them.

She looks over at him. Now she’s losing her shit.

ERIN
This is really it, isn’t it?

Garrett can barely look at her. The tears are coming. And
then, all of a sudden, he busts out laughing.

ERIN (CONT'D)
What?

GARRETT
Wow, the two of us. We are
SOMETHING.

ERIN
How so?

GARRETT
Declaring our love for one
another in an airport. Breaking
up...in an airport. That...that
is a cliched joke of absolutely
cosmic proportions. We should be
a bad movie.

Erin’s really crying now, but all the same, she’s holding
it together.

ERIN
I don’t feel like...it doesn’t
feel like we don’t love each
other enough, does it?
 107.

Garrett takes her hand.

GARRETT
God babe, no. You know...you
know what was so great about this
week?

She sniffles and looks at him, obviously the filmic

equivalent of asking, “What?”

GARRETT (CONT’D)
It was great because there was no
pressure. Because we knew it was
over. Because you weren’t
thinking about me leaving and
when the next time we were going
to see each other was. Because
we weren’t already planning the
next visit before I even left.
Because we weren’t hurting when
we should have been doing
anything but hurting. We
just...were.

A few beats while they consider this.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Don’t love each other enough?
Look how hard we tried. We made
ourselves miserable. No, we love
each other way too much to put
ourselves through the torture.

And just as the floodgates are about to open for Erin, she
makes herself stop. Yep, she’s holding her breath.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Babe?

Holding.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
Erin?

Holding.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Are you holding your breath?

Yes.

GARRETT (CONT'D)
Aw babe, we’re not back to that,
are we?

Immediately she breathes and the dam breaks.

 108.

ERIN
(through big ol’ sobs)
N-n-n-n-o, I’m just fu-fu-fu-
fucking with you.

And she reaches out and hugs him. As we pull back through
the airport, they become just two people holding onto each
other in a sea of travelers too hurried and self-absorbed
to notice.

EXT. LAX - NIGHT

Garrett stands in the inner loop of the arrivals area,

staring off into the distance. After a few seconds, a car
pulls up. Garrett opens up the back door, throws his bags
in, and gets in the front seat.

INT. DAN’S CAR - SAME

It’s Dan. He looks at his buddy. Looks like he knows

what’s happened.

DAN
You’re not going to cry in my
car, are you?

GARRETT
Nah.

Dan pulls away.

INT. APARTMENT - LATER

Dan and Garrett walk in, flip on the lights. Garrett walks
back to his room, and as he passes Dan’s room, he sees
there’s a rather large hole in the middle of his door. He
keeps walking into his room.

INT. GARRETT’S BEDROOM - SAME

He tosses his bags on the floor and flips on the light.

Immediately, he sees something out of the corner of his
eye. There’s a gigantic bulge underneath the covers of his
bed. Garrett walks over and flips them off.

Sitting there, waiting for him, is an ENORMOUS blow-up

penis, roughly the size of a normal man.

Garrett looks over to his doorway. Dan is standing there,

half-smiling.

GARRETT
Your handywork?
 109.

Dan nods.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
You blew it up yourself?

Dan nods.

GARRETT (CONT’D)
And you did it too fast, deprived
yourself of oxygen, then tried to
stumble to your room, blacked
out, and put your head through
your door?

Dan nods.

DAN
I ordered you a hooker. Online.

GARRETT
Not necessary.

DAN
Duly noted. I will cancel.
Should we go get drunk for no
reason?

GARRETT
Absolutely.

They walk out of his room.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. ERIN’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Erin comes walking into her bedroom, cute boy shorts and
tank top on. She walks right past her bed...that Damon is
in, halfway under the covers, reading a book.

Erin bustles over to the window-unit air conditioner,

cranking it up.

ERIN
Seriously, it’s 11:30, how is it
so fucking hot?

DAMON
Gee, I dunno, middle of July in
Chicago...

ERIN
That’s enough out of you.
 110.

DAMON
Coming to bed?

ERIN
Yeah.

She finishes fiddling with the air conditioner, walks over

to the bed. Gets under the covers, starts taking out her
earrings. As she sets them on the bedside table, we see...

The little crystal bear with the red bow.

She sets her earrings down, notices it too. There’s a

smudge on the ear. With a lick of her finger, she tries to
buff it off. As she’s working, Damon puts him arm around
her, kisses her shoulder. Looks at what she’s doing.

DAMON
Thought the one I got you had a
blue bow on it?

Not missing a beat:

ERIN
Nope.

She finishes buffing it, content. Damon turns over, puts

his book on the ground.

DAMON
Thought it was a little bigger
too.

She looks right at it, remembering.

ERIN
Nope. It’s the same it’s always
been.

She smiles. As she clicks off the light...

SMASH TO BLACK - “EVERYTIME YOU GO AWAY” BY PAUL YOUNG

PLAYS US OUT

THE END