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 Cuts had done for
FEATURES the diary room chair

➤ It’s TOWIE hottie Lucy ➤ Meet Holly Coleman!

Mecklenburgh! ➤ Vic & Bob!
➤ Top Gear’s back! ➤ Countdown Clangers
➤ Highlights of Nuts’ awesome ➤ Celebrity Big Brother’s
10th birthday party! Jasmine Waltz!
➤ Lightning strikes Christ the ➤ The Mafia’s most feared
Redeemer statue
➤ Nuts’ top ten ways to mend
English cricket
➤ Brilliant new 175mph ➤ TV Guide
Porsche 911 Targa
➤ Reviews
➤ Rude News
➤ Nuts Gear
CARS!

➤ Bedroom Babes
➤ Our Postbag
COVeR: LIPSTICSYNDICATION.COM, ReX FeATuReS, NIGeL CRANe

➤ Ladies Confess
➤ Ten Rude Questions

➤ Don’t Look!
➤ Pub Ammo ➤ Phil Vickery’s Six Nations
preview!
➤ Man City’s goal spree
➤ Alvaro Negredo
➤ Letters ➤ Kammy’s column
➤ Camera Phone Comedy ➤ NFL leg injury horror!
➤ Jokes ➤ The Nuts Lip Reader

SMINE!
JA
Nuts man Barney
meets Westwood
at the party!

Nicola, Aisleyne and

Frankie party with Nuts
man Daffydd!
 EXCLUSIVE!

Lucy’s last
TOWIE shoot!
It’s like a picture-based CV!
So the tragic
news is that
TOWIE fixture,
founder member and
reality TV stalwart since
2010 (amaze-o-fact:
there have been ten
series in three years!),
Lucy Mecklenburgh has
left the show. If we all
pull together, chaps, we’ll
get through this.
In homage to Lucy’s
excellent work, we’ve
rustled up this totally
exclusive all-new set of
awesome Mecklenburgh
snaps, which work both
as something nice to
look at and a photo-based
Lucy ad for any
interested TV producers.
Plus, over the page, the
wisdom of Lucy!

bye bye
lucy!
Lucy’s time
on TOWIE has
involved four
fellas, copious
cat fights and
an opening of
a boutique!
“Kim
Kardashian’s
bum is on
another
level!”
“Cheeky,
confident
and cocky
guys always
pursue me!”
 Lucy on…
Men
“I’m definitely not attracted to
a womaniser. Oh God, I hope
not anyway. The problem is,
cheeky, confident and cocky
guys with the gift of the gab
always pursue me.”

Her body…
“I don’t think I’m too thin.
My personal trainer wouldn’t
let me get too thin, and neither
would my family.”

Keeping fit…
“I’ve always been quite happy
with my body but more so now,
because anything I didn’t like,
I’ve trained hard to change.
I don’t just sit on my bum, eat
what I want and expect my
body to be nice. I work hard.
Everyone has body insecurities
when they’re younger.”

Spending time
in the gym…
“There’s nothing like getting
down and dirty in the gym. It
makes you ready for anything.”

Love… “I’d like

“I’d like a boyfriend and to fall
in love in 2014. I’m just a needy
to fall in
person. I like a cuddle and
attention, so it’s hard.”
love again
this year!”
TOWIE…
“I’m so proud to have been
words: rory buckeridge photos: rosie hardy/lipstick syndication

part of such a successful show

for ten series.”

Her Kim
Kardashian
bum selfie…
“Kim Kardashian’s bum is on
another level. She posted her
belfie to the haters who said
she was fat. Mine was more
about fitness and to show
that if you’re unhappy with
something, you can change it.”
“I’m a needy
person. I like
a cuddle!”
“I’ve always
been quite
happy with
my body!”
“I’m proud
to have
been part
of TOWIE!”
“I don’t just
sit on my
bum and eat
what I want!”
 EXCLUSIVE!

Top Gear
So Somehow, in spite
of the best efforts of
politicians, the PC
brigade, militant feminists, tree-
The boys

is back! are back!

huggers, people with fingers and
a Twitter account and Mexico,
this Sunday sees the premiere of The boys
series 21 of the British thing of return for the
new series
Nuts bags exclusive wonder that is Top Gear. We got
the exclusive lowdown on some
of Top Gear
on Sunday 2
highlights of season 21! of the boys’ best stunts. February, BBC
Two/HD, 8pm.

Hot HatcH special!

The nostalgic bunch try to prove that the hot
hatches of their “youth” are superior to
today’s speedy runabouts. So they buy one
each to test them. Somehow a “police” tank
is involved. Blowing a car up.

Having a bl a st!

Another Stig was

humanely destroyed

tHe cHristMas special – BurMa! ukraine!

Nothing’s more traditional than Top Gear’s In a surprising, small-car special, flights were
Christmas special being aired in February. booked to Ukraine, where three sub-1-litre
So, this year, the chaps scored some air miles engined cars were driven in a road test
by heading to Burma, where they bought described as “unimaginable bleakness,
a lorry each for their usual epic road trip. boredom and ultimately, fear.” Sounds ace!

It was jut another

August afternoon
in Salford

Land Rover
had really let
standards slip
 “Give it a bit of
a hoover, eh, love?”
What else
we think is
coming!

Bespoke supercars!
Jeremy investigates the world of the
bespoke supercar, getting his mitts on the
188mph Alfa Romeo Disco Volante Touring.
It’s a £1m supercar made from the very rare
Alfa 8c and possibly the world’s prettiest car. Mclaren’s p1
reviewed!
Road tested: the new
fastest car in the world,
“It’s amazing what at Belgium’s Circuit de
you can pick up at alfa 4c vs a quadski!
Spa-Francorchamps.
Toys R Us these days” Hammond gets his Alfa Romeo cherry burst,
getting to grips with the new 160mph two-
seater. Of course, nothing’s straightforward
on Top Gear, as Clarkson gets involved on
a road and water-traversing quadski.

Monaco visited!
Clarkson and Hammond
cruise the mean streets
of Monaco in a Bugatti
Veyron and Lamborghini
Aventador.

Embarrassed, car silly MoustacHes

Mercedes 6 By 6! did a little wee worn!
A genuine country bumpkin, and fan of cars
The Hamster and May don
that you can go ploughing in, The Hamster
some face fuzz for a
nips off to Abu Dhabi and roars around in
strange police car snap.
a six-wheel Mercedes silly wagon. Then tests
it in a water park full of chubby ex-pats.
WORDS: RORY BUCKERIDGE

Micro car convention

James May hits up the
National MicroCar Rally
2013. Presumably because
Clarkson’s too “spready”!

9
 Nuts did
a party!
We are ten. So we
threw a wee bash!
Most
birthday
bashes thrown
for ten-year-olds feature
jelly, bouncy castles,
maybe a terrifying clown
to give kids nightmares.
To be honest, we
WORDS: RORy BuckeRiDge PHOTOS: cHRiS ROBiNSON,

considered that option

rhian sugden
ADRiAN cALLAgHAN, geTTy iMAgeS, ReX FeATuReS

(no clowns) to celebrate

NutsÕ 10th birthday last
week, but instead opted
for the hot girls/swanky
London venue/booze It was In swIsh dIgs!
option. It turned out OK. Mayfair’s swanky Aura nightclub opened its
HereÕs the evidence in the doors to us and allowed us to line the walls
Stacey poole
form of pictures. PS, it with hot ladies, get the Lucys Pinder and
was very quiet in the Collett and Kammy on the mic and generally
office the morning after. tear the place up. Thanks, chaps!

Some ladieS came!

Who turned up? Only Helen Flanagan, Lucy
Pinder, Lucy Collett, Holly Hagan, Imogen
Thomas, Rosie Jones, Holly Peers, Emma Helen flanagan & lucy collett
Glover, India Reynolds, Rhian Sugden The
Valleys girls, MIC’s Louise Thompson etc…

Emma glovEr
Holly Hagan

Frankie essex

Rosie Jones Lucy Pinder aisleyne Nicola McleaN

10
Nuts berk
 Stacey poole
the nuts team!
melissa Debling

Tim WesTWood, pink panda and judge

jules provided The noise!
The Big Dog, Pink Panda and Judge Jules
were our resident DJs, with Westwood
raising the roof with a legendary set. Plus
dishing out surprise hollers to Nuts staff!

tim westwood
judge jules

india reynolds holly peers

Nicola & aisleyNe

We blagged some great stuff!
Our mums always told us to say our pleases
Louise Thompson and thank yous. So here’s a heartfelt “ta” to
Domino’s Pizza, Captain Morgan Rum,
Prefunc, Hoxton Gin, Thwaites Triple C beer,
Warsteiner lager and Jeremiah Weed!

imogen thomas

nicole morris

Jenna Jonathan Natalee harris imogen & lucy

11
 ‘Thanks,
Dad!’
Lightning pummels
Rio’s Christ statue!
In faIrness,
it’s a huge, wavy-
armed thing
stuck at the top of a big
old mountain, but God
really did hit Rio’s Christ
The Redeemer statue
with an apocalyptic
lightning storm last week.
It’s suffered chips in
two fingers from strikes
over the last couple of
PHOTOS: geTTy imAgeS, CAmeRA PReSS

weeks, but one blast last

Thursday knocked poor
WORDS: RORy BuCkeRiDge

Jimmy C’s right thumb

straight off. It’s like God’s
got a message for the
World Cup. And it’s not Frankly, the
two thumbs up to Rio! Second Coming was
chuffing terrifying
 Christ The
Redeemer
facts!
● The 100ft statue, made
from 700 tonnes of
reinforced concrete, is
the largest depiction of
Jesus in the world and
stands more than 2,000
feet above Rio on top
of the Corcovado Hill.
● On average, it is struck
by lightning five times
a year.
● The Archdiocese of Rio,
which manages the
statue, has a stock of
the same stone originally
used to build it, erected
in 1931, for repairs.
● The statue underwent a
£2.4million renovation
in 2010 to repair badly
eroded parts of its face
and hands.

Christ nonchalantly
took out another plane

13
 you may have noticed

England that in the space of

two short months, the
words: rory buckeridge illustration: julian puckett

England cricket team have gone

from Ashes-retaining cocks of
1 Iron man suIts for

cricket, the walk, to whitewashed

no-hopers. And while sports
psychology is a complicated and
difficult mistress, we’ve come
fIelders!
No boundary uncaught as
our fielders simply rocket
up to tricky smashes.

fixed!
Nuts mends our cricket
up with ten simple ways to pull
English cricket out of its current
doldrums. With the simple
addition of a Frankie Boyle here
and a Dappy there, in no time
failures in ten easy steps! we’ll be world beaters again!

2 Usain bolt fills

in as a rUnner!
With Bolt alongside his
chum Justin Gatlin, we’d
never be run out again!

3 All pAssports
surrendered!
Upon landing, all players
give up their passports, so
no sneaking off mid-series.

14
 4 Dappy scores the
aussies
Nice-but-dim Dappy can
be in charge of keeping
score for our opponents.

5 Employ FrankiE
boylE at slip!
Ten minutes of Boyle’s
sledging and Aussies will
bash in their own stumps!

8 Mandatory
johnson ’taches!
Power-instilling Mitchell
Johnson under-nose
caterpillars for our boys.

7 Freddie FlintoFF
waters opponents!
6 moles lower our
stumps!
Trained moles dig under
Andrew Flintoff is put in
charge of water stations,
fills ’em with strong booze!
the wicket and pull our
stumps down a few inches!

9 Alex ferguson
hAir dryers!
The red-nosed Scot called
in to “motivate” the team
in between wickets!

10 CriCket ball
firing bazookas
Issue Stuart Broad and
chums a ball-firing rocket
launcher. Howzat!
 Porsche’s beautiful,
retro styled Targa!
The classic ’60s icon returns, and it’s all Porsche underneath!
● A Targa is what you call ● This new Targa for the goldfish bowl rear window to get to a top speed of
a Porsche 911 which isn’t “991” shaped 911 silences had arrived, and this new around 175mph. The S model
a convertible and isn’t the haters by blatantly version continues that packs a 3.8-litre engine with
a traditional tin top. This plucking inspiration from unhindered rear visibility. an extra 50bhp over the
is the new one, and it the ’60s original, with an ● And if sunburn’s the 3.4. Tick the S option box
doesn’t get prettier. iconic pillarless window desired skin condition, and you’ll also be furnished
● This new Targa maintains the design and trademark retro within 19 seconds, the with 20in rims, Adaptive
classic humped 911 profile (magnesium) roll hoop. soft-top middle section Suspension Management
shape where the rag roof ● When the 911 first came out electronically disappears and torque vectoring with
doesn’t, with the added in 1963, the Targa’s back behind the rear parcel a limited slip diff.
magic of a disappearing roof window was a naff plastic shelf. The system is a ● Although the official
above the front seats. zip-out item. Come 1967, the typically German feat of performance figures are
engineering, which sees the still being kept close to
entire bubble rear window Porsche’s chest, expect
lift off the 911’s hips and the Targas to be a smidge
hang over the bum of the heavier and slower
Porsche as it waits for the accelerating than the
roof to be stowed. coupés, but faster and
● The entry-level Targa wears

WORDS: JOnny SMiTh

lighter than their cabriolet
a 3.4-litre flat six under its cousins. Targas are just
louvred rump, providing £650 cheaper, with the
350bhp and the ability 3.4-litre starting at £86,281.

The Rozzers wouldn’t

catch Bieber this time

16
“What kind of Porsche
is it? A blue one!”

It was a bit
exposed for a
dogging location
 Emma
Glover
Ava Corsetry shoot
emma, a corset and a
chaise longue. And some
subliminal pointing at
where we’d sit. in our grey
y-fronts and tatty socks.

Wrapping up the news like a United Premier League run!

Rihanna
On a yacht, Brazil
Here’s Riri topless on
a yacht in Brazil. Which
reminds us of our holiday.
With less toplessness,
Riri, yachts and Brazils.

Jasmine
Waltz
On that Twitter
Jasmine tweeted watching
Celebrity Big Brother in her
pants. She’s just like us,
only exponentially sexier.
 NUTS PROMOTION

Play Lucy at

You can play against

our Girl Got Game!
Shakira
Promotional shoot
Play our Lucy at Call
With Rihanna lounging on
Of Duty Ghosts! Eight
yachts, Shakira went to
chaps will be amongst
a French chateau in a one-
the first to play CoDÕs Onslaught
piece dripping with bling,
DLC! Against our Girl Got Game!
to promote their duet.
You still have time to enter
Rihanna wins this round!
our special competition to play
Lucy Collett in London at Call Of
Duty GhostsÕ new downloadable
geTTy iMAgeS, ScOPe FeATUReS, Rex FeATUReS
WORDS: RORy BUckeRiDge PHOTOS: kARL TAyLOR FOR AVAcORSeTRy.cO.Uk,

content Ð codenamed Onslaught

Ð out on Xbox 360 and Xbox
One on 28 January. It includes
four new maps, a new weapon
and all-new aliens to take
down in the Extinction
mode, and weÕre marking
this exciting event with
a special competition.
For your chance to win
just answer this question:
What is the codename for
this new DLC? Send your
answer, along with your contact
details to Nuts Call Of Duty
Compo, Blue Fin Building,
110 Southwark Street, London,
SE1 0SU. Entries need to be in
by 30 January. See www.nuts.
co.uk/ghostscomp for more
details. Terms and conditions
apply. Over 18s only.

Pollyanna
Woodward
Splash promo shot
The Gadget Show honey
made her Splash debut this

enter now at
weekend, possibly causing
a swift, Tom Daley U-turn!

nuts.co.uk /co
dghosts!
 It’s what Summer’s all about.
Sun, sea, sand and non-stop
nightlife. Ready and waiting
for you on your ultimate party
holiday from Club 18-30.
No ties. Best mates.
And one big party you’l never forget.
What are you waiting for?

3
ways Click: club18-30.com
to Call: 0844 800 7038
book Visit: Your local travel agent

Price based on 7 nights at the 3 star Tinas Studios in Faliraki. Departing 01 May to 31 October 2014 based on 2 adults sharing. Valid from 15th January to 5th February 2014. Applicable saving will be shown as Club Saver on fnal screen of
viewdata. Please note system prices fuctuate daily (up and/or down) based on availability. Saving cannot be combined with any other Tour Operator promotion/discount. Ofer may be withdrawn or altered without notice. All holidays are
subject to availability. Calls cost 5.7p per minute from a BT landline. Call costs from other networks/mobiles may vary. Holidays operated by Thomas Cook Tour Operations Ltd, ATOL protected 1179, ABTA V6896.
 Hand really needed
to work on smiling
for the camera

Severed
! end!
on t he m

‘two-inch spikes
shredded my hand!’
A day at the recycling plant turns into an afternoon at A&E!
He was unaware his
right ear had fallen off

just typical, “I work as a baler operator I had to wait until they reached
isn’t it? You try to at the local recycling plant. their bottom point before they
help Mother Earth
continue to exist for a few
I was trying to fix the baler
and thought the machine had
came back up through my
hand – bringing that twisted
Win £1,000!
worDS: PeTe CaSHmore *eDiTor’S DeCiSion iS finaL.

extra weeks by helping out slipped into idling mode – but, piece of wire with it. It ripped
with the recycling process, unfortunately, it hadn’t. So, off a load of soft tissue and Think you can do better?
and you end up with the when I cut out a piece of wire broke two of my metacarpals.” Here’s your chance.
TermS anD ConDiTionS on Page 58 aPPLy

mother of all hand injuries. that was jammed inside, it Four months later and The best “Don’t Look!”
The owner of this dropped the vertical spikes on Peter’s finally on the mend. picture published in 2014
messed-up mitt is Peter the inside, one of which went And, even though he lost will win £1,000 in cash!*
Toth, from Magherafelt right through my hand. a big lump of his hand, he Submit your images
in Northern Ireland. He That wasn’t the worst of it can at least console himself and contact details to
takes up the story of how though – the spikes fall and that he did so making a better [email protected]
the mangling unfolded… rise on a ten-second cycle, so tomorrow for all of us.

21
 It’s all rover Water wang!
Dear Nuts,
What an odd shape for a hotel
now!
Dear Nuts,
swimming pool!
Big daz Chesterfield “On second
I encountered this sad- Not if the hotel’s in Magaluf. thoughts, let’s
looking fellow while use Pritt Stick”
on my travels recently.
Who the hell dyes their
dog pink?
si P St Albans
Rude ’n’ glued!
Dear Nuts,
We’re not sure, Si, but
This is a picture I took when
we’d be very surprised Zissman my glue gun at work got a bit
if Lady Gaga doesn’t loved her new
“It said strawberry carried away.
have an entire kennel water feature
blonde on the bottle!” BrentWood Castleford
full of them.
Looks kinda sticky.

The latest episode

of Three In A Bed
was a bit odd

“These meerkats
I saw at the zoo
must have been
reading Nuts!”
Mike via email
Wall-to-wall women!
Dear Nuts,
This is our rec room at Port Stanley in the The Pet Shop
Falklands. We call it “The Boob Cave”. Boys tribute act
JaMes Whitaker Falklands Islands needed work
It doesn’t look much like a cave but we
think we get the other bit.
Two mentalists!
Dear Nuts,
Readers, here’s your chance to get your handsome mush in the magazine – Me again! Here I am with top mind-
Win! £100 and get paid for doing it! Just send your deliciously daft pics, pimped pets
and Camera Phone Cuties to [email protected]. The sender of the
messer Derren Brown!
John Chrysanthou North London
cash! week’s best letter wins a fantastic cash prize of £100! Editor’s decision is
final. Terms and conditions on page 58 apply. Your ability to persuade stars to pose
with you messes with our minds, John!
22
 “a sign outside a south
london pub. sounds
intriguing.”
WilliAm Helsby via text

“This photo opportunity was too

good to miss. apologies to the
old lady, she’s not a hoe really.”
JAson H Liverpool

“i found this hair salon in

north london. i’m not sure
it sounds too classy.”
Alice Southampton

Email nutsletters@
ipcmedia.com or text your
pic to 0771 388 8008 (free
“i saw this sign in china. texts, standard network
Their spelling is a bit off.” charges apply*). Best pic**
cHRis sAundeRs Cardiff wins £100 cash to spend
on lovely things!
*By sEnding nuTs your camEra phonE picTurE, you accEpT rEsponsiBiliTy for iTs conTEnT
and iTs puBlicaTion. **EdiTor’s dEcision is final. TErms & condiTions on pagE58 apply.

“This is the ‘letters hopscotch’ board

at my kid brother’s school!” “This is the rubbish
RAffeRs via text bat on my neck.”
AdAm Hunt via text

23
 Mum wouldn’t accept
that Christmas had
ended a month ago

The drugs clearly

were working

Roo must
be joking!
WhAt’s the difference
between a kangaroo
and a kangaroot? One is
a kangaroo, the other’s

Never hit a man Come quickly!

i Went to the doctor’s this morning. “There’s
a Geordie stuck in a lift!
steve Forrest Glastonbury

with glasses. something very wrong with my penis,” I said.

“What do you mean?” she asked.
Always use I pulled it out, pointed to my helmet and said,
“Touch it there.” She put on a latex glove, rubbed
a baseball bat!
Will CrouCher Poole
her fingers against it and said, “It’s disgusting!”
“What do you think it is?” I asked.
“Premature ejaculation!” she replied.
Mark NiNiaN Manchester The Gateshead
trip was off
My mate told me he
was pulling off his
boxers before going Back of Train in vain!
hAs Anyone else
to bed last night, when
his missus said, “You the net!
nicklAs
noticed how “National Rail
Timetables” is actually an
anagram of “All trains aim
spoil those dogs!” Bendtner’s
to be late in”?
Nigel CaMpbell Dundee agent has been
paul sCuDDer Tonbridge
quick to defend the
player, saying that
If humans stood in a “What do you he still has a very
glittering future
single-file line around mean no parole?”
ahead of him. In
“Crikey, Lynx is
powerful stuff!”
the equator, most of Scotland!
MaC via email
them would drown! Stat attack!
siMoN spall Weston-super-Mare
According to
a recent government
survey, 63 per cent of
How many Tourette’s men have had sex in
sufferers does it tw*t the shower before. The
remaining 37 per cent,
Oh bugger!
i shAgged a hooker last
to sh*t a lightb*llocks? on the other hand, have “Dear Jesus, please night. The scrum will be
paul Croziers Baldock let me score”
never been to prison! very awkward on Saturday!
DaviD Curtis Cambridge riCh purivs Redcar
24
 Crazy
copper!
i’ve just seen this
policeman dancing around
the street wearing a leotard,
chucking eggs about and
shouting, “I love cats 2014!”
at the top of his voice. I tell
you, it’s PC gone mad!
patriCk siMpsoN Preston

Gary Delaney:
“It’s thanks to the efforts of men like
my grandad that we don’t speak
German today, because he single-
handedly killed 11 language teachers!”

Thicke’s new video

was a smash hit Ardal Tony Cowards:
O’Hanlon: “My best mate
“My father always wasn’t really sure
Win The said that the
Call and best way to be about me using
a Blu-ray positive is to live an anaesthetic on
every day as if him, but he’s finally
player! it’s your last day
on earth. Good come round!”
advice. So what
I do is spend
all day in bed
Photos: rex features, action images, shutterstock, alamy, getty images

with an oxygen
mask and some Tim Vine:
*editor’s decision is final. terms & conditions on Page 58 aPPly.

rosary beads!” “I saw Schindler’s

send your jokes to
List, and the
nutsjokes@ipcmedia.
com. the sender of
Emo Philips: bloke behind me
this week’s best joke*
wins a Panasonic
“I found our cat the other started wailing.
Blu-ray player and a
day. I would have found I got hit on the
Blu-ray copy of edge- him a week ago, but
of-your-seat thriller
The Call, out now on
we have a grass bag back of the head
dVd and Blu-ray! on our lawnmower!” with a harpoon!”
Meet
Holly!
A seriously sexy
lady from Surrey!
MAG DOWN LOAD.oRG

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“I want to
be as big
as Lucy
Pinder!”
H
i Holly! How have
you enjoyed
today’s shoot?
It’s been
amazing! The
location’s so
beautiful – I can’t believe how
swanky it is! Everyone’s so
lovely – I always like working
with Nuts. This is my second
shoot for the magazine. The
first one was on-set, but this
one’s in a house, so it’s a whole
different experience.

Who’s your favourite Nuts girl?

Lucy Pinder’s just amazing.
She’s stunning – and she’s got
incredible boobs! She’s a real
role model because she’s lovely
as well as sexy. I want to be as
big as her. Well, not in that
way! Although, I’d love to have
her boobs…

What are you like on a night out?

A liability! Ha-ha! I tend to
drink too much Jägermeister.
Bad, I know… and I don’t even
remember half the night,
so I usually end up getting
carried home by my mates!

What would your ultimate

fantasy shoot be like?
It’d be somewhere like Bora
Bora. Just imagine me naked,
on the beach, crystal blue sea…
I’m at my happiest when I’m
in the sun.

So you’re more of a summer girl?

Yeah. Last summer, I went to
Ibiza with my mates. It was
5am and we were drunk, so
we decided to go for a skinny-
dipping session. Unfortunately,
our stuff got stolen, including
my phone… And they also
nicked my mate’s shorts and
bra, so she had to walk back
to the hotel topless!

Amazing! Did anyone see?

Plenty of guys got an eyeful.
That’s the craziest thing I’ve
done – last year, at least!
“I’m a liability
So, when you’re not modelling
on a night out.
for Nuts or getting starkers
abroad, what do you get up to?
I tend to drink
I work as an accounts assistant
in an office, but it’s not what
too much
I want to do for much longer. Jägermeister”
 At the moment, I’m preferring
“My perfect getting my clothes off for Nuts
to being stuck behind a desk.
first date I don’t have much spare time
with work and modelling. The
would be only time I get it is after work
when I do Bikram Yoga.
going to What on Earth is that?
Nando’s!” It’s basically yoga but in a
boiling hot room, so you get
very sweaty. It’s so hot that
I just wear skimpy shorts and
a little gym top. The funny
thing is, blokes do it, too.

We can’t imagine why!

Yeah, but they’re not going
to try and chat you up when
you’re a sweaty Betty!

What’s the weirdest chat-up

line a bloke’s ever tried on you?
Oh, I’ve heard so many! The
cheesiest was when some guy
asked me to feel his jumper
and said, “Hey, this is
boyfriend material!” I’d much
rather guys just came up to me
normally and were upfront.

What would a chap have to do

to impress you?
I don’t really expect that much
from a first date. My perfect
date would be going to Nando’s,
then drinks after. I’m cheap and
cheerful! I’d like to cook for
a bloke – my speciality is fajitas.
All my mates say I’m the best!
So it’d be nachos to start, then
chicken fajitas, and then for
dessert a warm chocolate fudge
pudding with vanilla ice cream.

What’s going to be the most

awesome thing about 2014?
More Nuts photo shoots, of
course! Hopefully, you guys
will take me to Bora Bora for
some sexy snaps – who knows?
interview: joseph scrimshire photos: nigel crane

What’s your best asset?

Physically? My boobs. As for
my personality, I’d say that I’m
a very loyal person.

Finally then, how would your

mates describe you?
Knowing them, they’d say I’m
really ditzy. I’m clumsy, but
they all know I’m a nice girl
at heart. They’d tell you I’m
a bit of a party animal, too!
“My friends
would tell
you I’m a
bit of a party
animal!”
Nuts chats to comedy royalty
about their mad new sitcom!
 VIC & BOB

H
ello gentlemen! Vic: I like Family Tree. Vic: And me. We like giving Bob: I agree. I still really
Your new Bob: Oh, and have you the best lines to the others enjoy doing what we do.
show – House watched Orange Is The New and not us.
Of Fools is Black, that prison comedy Have you ever laughed
absolutely on Netflix? Do you secretly base any of so hard that a bit of wee
bonkers. How Vic: No, but I have watched your insane characters on came out?
did you originally sell it? The Tunnel. Although that’s people you know? Vic: Bob has on TV.
Vic: It’s a sitcom based in not funny. Vic: No, I think they’d Bob: Twice. I can still
Bob’s flat and is about his mostly be in prison if they remember one of them when
suffering of a variety of When you go to stuff like the were like that. it was the Big Night Out and
idiotic characters. I play Vic Comedy Awards, are you you could see a stain…
Reeves, one of the idiots. tempted to make the younger Were you not a bit cheesed Vic: He was playing a bus
Bob: House Of Fools is set in comics run errands for you? off with the Beeb for axing driver and we had to film
my place, where I live with Vic: I don’t know who the Shooting Stars? it from behind.
Vic and my Norwegian son, younger comics are, to be Bob: I don’t think that would Bob: I once soiled
Eric. All I want is a quiet life honest. Jack Whitehall’s be true. I think everyone myself and I didn’t have
but this is impossible due to funny. I think his dad’s very said the last series was the another costume.
the antics of Vic’s mate Beef funny, too. But yes, of course best. We finished on a high. Vic: I have, too, but not on
[played by Matt Berry], his I make them run errands. telly. I remember watching
brother Bosh and his next- That’s what they're there for. What’s the funniest word in Monty Python when I was
door neighbour, who all treat Bob: I let them smoke the the English language? 13 on the sofa. I fell off
his flat like a second home. cigarettes for me. Vic: Nuts. the sofa and wet myself.
Vic: We just turn up, accept Bob: Not Nuts! Bob: It’s good you fell off
Are you chuffed with how it and gracefully retire in the sofa first.
it’s being received? our rollers. Will you ever reach a point Vic: I’d love to do it now.
Vic: Yes. It’s the best thing where you think you’re too old I’d like to see something
we’ve done. We made a pilot Matt Berry’s also in the show. to get laughs from stuffing that made my bladder burst.
originally and we were told Do you find yourself cracking things down your trousers?
to make it look nicer, which up at everything he says Vic: I think it will be for Will you do any more Fosters
we did. It’s great stuff. because of his mad voice? everyone else to tell us. We’ll Funnies if they offer you a ton
Bob: We were told to make Bob: Yes, he really cracks continue to stuff our trousers of money?
it look fun rather me up. until we're told not to. Bob: Yes, they were quite
than like Prisoner good! They said “take a
Cell Block H. camera out for 20 minutes
and do whatever you want”.
The show’s set It was fun.
in a grubby flat.
Where’s the Cool! Thanks for the chat.
grubbiest place Finally then, can you tell
you’ve ever lived? us one thing about the
Vic: Bob will other person that we would
answer that. never know?
Bob: The first two Vic: For lunch, Bob quite
years I was living often has just a Jamaican
in London, I lived Their attempts to sneak ginger cake.
in a homeless up on and surprise Bob: I don’t know what the
house in the CDs were doomed f**k it is but Vic’s
Peckham. lunch always
Vic: Ha-ha! Yeah, stinks. Vic always
when I went to has a pickled egg
his flat, he’d knocked a hole on top of some old
in the wall so he could climb meat.
out of it and get into the Vic: I bring a
toilet easier… packed lunch. It’s
Bob: And in the ’80s, I spent always last night’s
two years in a squat. Then dinner with
I stood up! I did so. a pickled
egg on top.
interview: christine smith

You’ve been doing this surreal

comedy malarkey for yonks, ● vic and Bob’s
so what makes you laugh? “I’ve told you House Of Fools
Bob: I’ve liked the American two before, stop can be seen
Office and Modern Family in staring at me!” on BBc2/hD,
recent years. tuesdays, 10pm.
31
 Spelling slips from our fave daytime show!

SAY WHAT YOU SEE!

The Countdown producers
regretted asking Joey
Fisher to guest present...

CRUDE CAROL!
Not even consummate
pro Vorders can keep
a straight face here.
WORds: sI CuNNINgHAm PHOTOs: sHuTTeRsTOCk

AMAZiNg ANAgRAM! LEWD LETTERS!

Imagine asking, “What did Oh dear. Here’s one to
you get on Countdown?” make the oldies choke on
and getting this response. their afternoon tea!
 countdown clangers

CRASS CONUNDRUM!
We suspect the resident
word-wrangler had the
hangover horn here.

DiCk-TiONARY CORNER!
Poor old Rachel does get
all the glamorous jobs,
doesn’t she?

TOiLET HUMOUR! SAUCY SPELL-CHECk!

Tsk. You can always rely Clearly, Rachel had been
on Channel 4 to lower the enjoying Nuts’ lingerie
tone at teatime, can’t you? collector’s edition.

RUDE RACHEL! SMELLS FUNNY!

We know the daytime Ah, back in the days when
staple can get exciting, but Richard Whiteley used to
this is a bit much. eat beans before filming.

SCHOOLbOY SPELLiNg! RANDY WORDPLAY!

Of all the rude words, We think we love Rachel
sometimes a simple “sex” even more after this
is enough to raise a titter. spot of rude spelling!

33
 Sicilian Mafia
hen one of the
most feared men in
the world declares
he wants you dead,
you might want to
keep a low profile,
but that’s easier for some than others.
Despite being behind bars, real-life
Godfather Toto “The Beast” Riina
continues to run a criminal empire that Riina speaks to Prosecutor Nino Di
involves murder, extortion and his lawyer from Matteo flanked by
corruption at the highest levels. He behind bars bodyguards last month
ended last year by issuing an astonishing
death threat to Palermo’s high-profile
prosecutor Nino Di Matteo, and now which left scores dead. Riina brutally
emphasis is firmly on protecting those
who seek to destroy the Mafia.
dealt with anyone who threatened the
sanctity of “the family” – the Falcone
Assassination
It’s mid-December 2013, and Riina is
watching TV coverage of a trial
massacre being just the tip of the
iceberg. Months later, he oversaw the
plans
So brazen is Riina that he’s been openly
concerning an alleged pact between assassination of Judge Paolo Borsellino discussing plans to assassinate Di Matteo
Mafia bosses and high-ranking Italian and his personal bodyguards. outside the courtroom where the trial’s
politicians. Prosecutor Di Matteo makes Riina’s preferred method of taking place, allegedly telling fellow
a pledge to continue his fight to bring execution was by car bomb, detonated mobster Alberto Lorusso, “Everything’s
the Sicilian Mafia crashing down – along remotely by mobile phone. Speaking of set up. We’ll do it in spectacular fashion.”
with crooked politicians and public the imminent threat to Prosecutor Di This claim prompted fears of a repeat
servants. An enraged Riina utters the Matteo, a trusted source comments, of a 1994 incident when only a faulty
chilling words: “Di Matteo shall die.” “The explosives are ready for him, too.” detonator switch prevented a bomb going
Then, according to prison guards present This could explain why his bodyguards off at a football match at Rome’s Stadio
at the time, he adds, “He’ll meet the have recently been issued with mobile Olimpico. Public prosecutor Sergio Lari
same end as a tuna.” It’s a bizarre turn of phone signal blocking equipment, as said a similar incident could, “Turn
phrase believed to be a reference to the well as the usual body armour and Italy’s clock back 20 years.”
“Mattanza”, a traditional tuna hunt off automatic weapons. Since the threats, security around Di
the coast of Sicily where the giant fish Eager to clean up Italy’s blood- Matteo has increased. Everywhere he
are driven into nets and slaughtered with stained image, the authorities are goes, he’s flanked by machine gun-
spikes and sharp knives. now playing hard ball. But, for a while wielding protection officers, and
Riina then makes reference to the in the early ’90s, it seemed no one undercover agents aren’t far behind.
murder of one of Italy’s most respected was untouchable. The state was so “Sometimes I ask myself if it’s right to go
anti-Mafia campaigners, magistrate intimidated by the on,” he told newspaper La
Giovanni Falcone, who was killed by Cosa Nostra’s power PaLeRMO Repubblica. “But it is worth
a car bomb in 1992 with his wife and that they gave up it, and it is right.”
four bodyguards. “He wanted to go and trying to put them So why is he so
see the tuna slaughter,” Riina said. behind bars and determined to bring the
“Instead, I brought the slaughter to him.” struck a secret deal Cosa Nostra down? Well,
CORLeOne
Clearly, this is a man who won’t let the in a bid to stop the it’s personal. The first time
Mafia go down without a fight. slaughter. Known as he wore a magistrate’s
the “trattativa”, this robe, he was standing next

Gangland hits illegal deal now sees

Italy’s ex-interior
Sicily’s to Giovanni Falcone’s
coffin in 1992. “I knew
Bloody
WORDS: ChRiS SaunDeRS PhOtOS: CORbiS, Rex FeatuReS, ShutteRStOCk

Riina is believed to be responsible for minister and the what I was getting into,”
around 40 gangland hits in total, and minister of defence he says. “They’ve already
has been implicated in countless others.
Before his arrest on multiple charges
from Berlusconi’s
former regime,
Legacy! killed many colleagues.”
Due to the trial, and
in 1993, he was considered the Capo standing trial a series of police raids and
● The Sicilian Mafia War of the ’80s
dei Capi (“Boss of Bosses”) in the Cosa alongside various (“La Mattanza” – The Slaughter) has arrests, the influence of
Nostra. Born and raised in Corleone – Mafiosi. The trial claimed a reported 1,000 victims. the Cosa Nostra is fading.
the town immortalised in Mario Puzo’s has captured the ● From March ’92 to Sept ’93, 26 However, while the
novel The Godfather and the films it public imagination police officers, judges and officials authorities have been
were killed by the Mafia.
inspired – Riina joined the Mafia in the as it promises to concentrating on them,
● The current Capo dei Capi (“Boss
late ’50s and rose steadily through the reveal how the of bosses”) in Sicily is Matteo two of Italy’s other main
ranks, waging war on other families, to Mafia were allowed Messina Denaro, aka “Diabolik”. crime syndicates, the
become top boss in 1974. Then came the to function above ● Since 2012, there’ve been around Camorra and the
infamous battle against the state in the the law for so long, 20 meetings between relatives of ’Ndrangheta, have risen to
jailed Mafia leaders, with the aim of
early ’90s, launched in retaliation for a and who was restoring “La Cupola” – the regular the top. Another war
government crackdown on Mafia activity responsible. gathering of Sicilian crime families. could just be starting.
45
 Jasmine
Waltz!
Celeb BB’s hottest housemate in
her first magazine shoot!

BEst Celeb
bb EvER!
This series got
off to a great
start when
PhoTo: wenn

Jasmine flashed
her boobs on
the first night
in the house!

34
HEADLINE IN HERE
 ver the
“I’m a girl years, many
beautiful
who knows models have
made the
her lingerie happy journey
from Celebrity Big Brother
and poses!” house to the Nuts magazine
studio, but this year, we
were particularly thrilled
when the wonderful Miss
Waltz signed up for this
fantastically sexy shoot.
The awesome American
brought a whole lot of cheer
to this year’s big celeb
showdown and kept us glued
solidly to our screens for 13
fantastic days, and there are
many reasons why. From
getting absolutely hammered
and flashing her boobs on
the first night, to getting
a bit frisky with lovely Luisa
Zissman in the hot tub – not
to mention Lee Ryan in the
bathroom – Jasmine’s saucy
shenanigans mean that we
won’t be forgetting this hot
housemate in a hurry, nor will
we be able to shake the image
of her being dry-humped by
a rather randy Dappy.
But Celebrity Big Brother’s
loss is very much our gain so,
without further ado, we bring
you an incredible world-
exclusive shoot. She’s funny,
she’s smart, she’s extremely
sexy… gentlemen, we give
you Jasmine Waltz!

Hello Jasmine! You look

amazing today – how have you
enjoyed your first Nuts shoot?
Hello! I’ve done stuff for
lingerie companies but never
for a cool magazine. I liked
doing a bit of the directing too,
and getting involved – I’m a
woman who knows her lingerie
and her poses. I love the whole
sets – rather than just bra and
underwear – holds-ups and
stockings. It looks amazing.

So now the dust has settled on

Celebrity Big Brother, are you
missing the house?
I miss 90 per cent of the
people in there. I think we’ll
be hanging out when they get
released – man, I make it
sound like a prison!
 Jasmine Waltz

“I miss 90 per
cent of the
people in
the house!”
 HEADLINE IN HERE
Go on then, Jasmine – who
won’t you miss?
Lionel [Blair] can suck it.
“Lionel
I tried to be polite with him
after the show, and he just
Blair’s a
went for me anyway. He’s a
miserable old pr*ck. He’s upset
miserable
that I talked over him because
he’s older than me, but all
old pr*ck!”
he did was sing stupid show
tunes all day long. Who
wants to hear that? He was
really obnoxious.

It’s fair to say you didn’t get

on particularly well with the
older chaps, then?
It’s a close call between Jim
[Davidson] and Lionel. They’re
very bossy, set in their ways.
Every time we laughed or
stayed up late, they’d just snarl
and get uptight. You grumpy
pr*cks, get it together!

Ha! Well, you certainly brought

cheer to the house. We very
much enjoyed your boozy first
night in the house.
Ha-ha! I only just watched it
back for the first time last
night. I thought it was the
funniest thing I’d ever seen –
it was f**king hilarious. I had
tears running down my face.
I don’t really get embarrassed
about things like that – I had
a smile on my face while I
was being put to bed, so
that’s all good.

Dappy’s willy has been a big

talking point. Did he scare any
of you with it in the house?
That’s all the house talked
about! I can’t confirm that he
has a big penis. I tried to look
at it on the internet since I left
the house and I couldn’t find
an unedited version – it was all
blurred out! We were so fixated
with it in the house we came
up with a song. It’s just
shouting “Dappy’s d*ck” to the
tune of Jingle Bells!

What was Dappy like to live

with in the house?
There are so many ranges of
Dappy – he can be really quiet
and thoughtful and actually
pretty sweet. Then there’s
really drunk Dappy and that’s
my favourite one. My
39
 favourite Dappy’s an
intoxicated Dappy! He was
“When Dappy so uptight and concerned
about making any mistakes
let loose he because of the bad press he’s
had, but when he let loose he
was just was just awesome.

awesome!” What do you think of Lee now

you’ve left the house. Are you
put off now you’ve seen him
cry on TV?
I think he’s really sweet. It was
really nice that he was so
vulnerable and showed his
feelings. A lot of guys try to
hide it and the fact that
he opened up like that
was awesome.

Do you have any plans to

see Lee again when he leaves
the house?
I hope so. Who knows, right?
But I hope so.

We have to ask, what really

went on in the bathroom with
you and Lee?
Nothing – we were just kissing!
Everyone’s so excited over
what happened and basically
nothing did apart from some
kissing. I mean, the way it’s
edited makes it look like more
happened, but it didn’t.

Fair enough. What’s your

opinion of fellow housemate
Casey Batchelor now?
I liked her at first, but now
I see that she manipulated a lot
of people in the house into
feeling sorry for her. Having
watched it back, I’ve seen Lee
tell Casey five or six times that
he didn’t like her in a serious
way and that he was into me.
But she still wouldn’t back off.
I think she’s a little pathetic.

Watching Lee and her in the

house, were you worried
that she might try to hook up
with him?
I always felt like she’s
definitely not giving up on
him, let’s put it that way. Lee
said enough times in the house
that he wasn’t interested and
her behaviour at the time
made her look very needy and
pathetic. She acted like this
wounded little puppy.
MAG DOWN LOAD.oRG

LATEST MAGAZINES
HIGH QUAllTY TRUE-PDF
MAG DOWN LOAD.ORG
“I hope to see Lee
again when he
leaves the house!”
“I’d never even
heard of Blue
before!”
 You were snapped out and
about with Duncan James
from Blue recently. What was
“I think
that about?
Lee told me to call his friends
Luisa’s
the moment I got out so I had
someone in the UK to hang
extremely
out with. Duncan hit me up
on Twitter so we went out.
sexy!”
He’s a cool guy. He said lots
of nice things about Lee. Lee
wanted me to hang around
with Duncan so I could be
looked after.

Can you name any Blue songs?

No. None at all. I’d never even
heard of Blue before.

What are you going to do next?

Nothing at the moment –
I have a serious back problem!
I’m really into yoga and hurt
myself doing a pose. I need
a big steroid injection to put it
right. I think lying on the floor
in the Big Brother house has
made it even worse. As soon
as I left there were five doctors
ready to take me away and
give me treatment.

Do you have a massive crush on

Luisa like the rest of us?
I think she’s extremely sexy.
I do like her as a person and to
be around. It’s exciting being
in her company – I like that
anything might happen there.

Here’s a thought: would you

like to do a sexy shoot with
Luisa sometime?
Yes, absolutely! That would
be so much fun. If there was
alcohol there it could get
very entertaining.

Amazing! Well, thanks for

a great chat, Jasmine. Finally
then, which of your fellow
housemates would you like
to invite around to yours for
a lovely fish supper?
I’d invite Lee, Luisa, Dappy,
Sam [Faiers] and Ollie [Locke].
Jim can come if he isn’t
grumpy. I’d bar Lionel –
he’s not sitting at my table
IntervIeW: AnDy Jones

– nor Casey!

● Celebrity Big Brother: The

Final is on Wednesday 29
January, Channel 5/HD, 9pm.
 The week’s best TV, movies, games, fashion, music and tech!

TV built for blokes!

InSIDe no 9
MonDay • BBC Two/HD, 10pm
The Psychoville chaps return The estate agents
in a top new comedy-drama! wouldn’t take no
for an answer

Friday 31 January
DeaDlIne
Day lIve
“We don’t have “If she doesn’t
Sky SporTS 1/HD
much but we “Don’t tell him he’s got turn up soon, I’ll • 8pm
have each other” bird poo on his head!” marry her sister”
Arsenal’s signing
of Mezut Özil for
£42.4m and Man

Ben Fogle: New The Last Leg Mob City United’s capture
of Marouane
Fellaini for £27.5m

Lives In The Wild • cHannel 4/HD 10pm Fox/HD • 10pm

helped push the
spending on the
last deadline day
cHannel 5/HD • 9pm it’s hard to get hugely excited about Maybe it’s the hammy acting, maybe in England to
a record £140m.
the cold people’s Olympics, so Boardwalk Empire’s shiny brogues
Plummy adventure toff Fogle takes we’re happy that Adam Hills, Josh were just too big to fill, but we’re
a break from cat-fondling in Animal Widdicombe and Alex Brooker are getting a bit bored of this ’40s-set
Clinic to chat to people who chucked back just in time to guide us through Mob romp. it’s fine if there’s nothing
it all in to live in strange places. Like? the Sochi games with their “top else on, but don’t expect to be blown
Ex-City fat cat who now lives in a bants” telly show. They also follow away. As the series hits the halfway
hand-built log cabin with no crapper. Alex’s quest to participate in the Rio point, Bugsy unveils a plan that he
First question: “Are you mental?” Paralympics in 2016. Nice work, lads! hopes will transform the city.
★★★★ ★★★★ ★★★
46
 Saturday 1 February
Hidden
The sudden gust “Sorry, I have
Honey!
of wind took them a rule never to high- “No! Not the killer STrIpperS vS
both by surprise five a Frenchman” parp manoeuvre!” werewolveS

SyFy • 9pm

West Ham France vs UFC 169 Despite a genius

title, this 2012 Brit
comedy horror

vs Swansea England BT SporT 1/HD • 3am

was a bit of
a turkey, but it
features our very
own Lucy Pinder!
BT SporT 1/HD • Noon BBc one/HD • 4.30pm What is it with the UFC? Sometimes
they struggle for quality headliners,
Hopefully, this fixture will exceed The Six Nations kicks off with Wales and then host evenings like this, with
expectations. Two teams struggling vs italy at 2pm before England face two scintillating title fights (Bantam-
to find the net. Two teams with under- France, both sides having something and Lightweight). The two Brazilian
pressure managers, desperate not to prove – France finished bottom of champs, Baroa and Aldo, are both
to lose. Two teams who managed the heap last year, while England were technically brilliant, unpredictable and
a lacklustre 0-0 in the reverse fixture, crushed 30-3 in a title decider by utterly electric. But don’t rule out their
in October. Closing tonight’s MOTD? Wales. Check out our preview on p62. Yank challengers, Faber and Lamas!
★★★ ★★★★ ★★★★★

Sunday 2 February

“They’re close “Out of my

enough, better They were ready for their way, the Ex-lax
go to ground” night out in Swansea has just kicked in”
Fake or
ForTune?
WORDS: MikE HALL, PETE CASHMORE, RORY BUCkERiDGE, Si CUNNiNGHAM.

BBc one • 6pm

Live Football Top Gear NFL – Super Bowl While the title

Sky SporTS 1/HD • 12.30pm BBc Two/HD • 8pm XLVIII of this makes
it sound worth
investigating,
don’t bother. it’s
Bagsie the sofa for today’s footy The boys are back for season 21 of Sky SporTS 1 & cHannel 4 • 10pm a show trying to
PHOTOS: ACTiON iMAGES, REx FEATURES

brace as West Brom invite Liverpool their fine show. Tonight, they try to work out whether
to The Hawthorns, with both needing prove that ’80s hot hatches are still Get the beers in, get your pals round various paintings
are real or fake.
a win. Expect sympathetic “quenelles” superior to today’s air conditioned, and start dreaming up excuses for a
all round if the Baggies score. Then, centrally locked, namby-pamby Monday sickie as Denver Broncos face
Palace go to Arsenal, with Emirates motors. Meanwhile, Downton Abbey’s Seattle Seahawks at New Jersey’s
misfit Marouane Chamakh aiming to stuffed shirt Earl Of Grantham, Hugh Enormodome. Red Hot Chili Peppers
prove everyone wrong and help Tony Bonneville, thrashes a car your mum desperately try to recapture their
Pulis’ men to an unlikely three points. might own on the Top Gear track. youth with the half-time show.
★★★★ ★★★★★ ★★★★
47
 Monday 3 February
Jack tHe Giant
slayer
“Come back! I don’t sky movies
“Excuse me, sir – have normally look like this premiere/HD •
you paid and displayed?” – I’m gurning!” Cost cuts hit Big Brother 8pm

Nicholas Hoult
stars as the giant-

Prisoners Man City vs Inside No 9 bothering bloke

in a film to watch
with your kid

sky Box office/HD • 6am Chelsea BBc tWo/HD • 10pm

brother or sister.

Hugh Jackman stars as a father who sky sports 1/HD • 7pm The return of The League Of
takes matters into his own hands Gentlemen’s Steve Pemberton and
when his daughter goes missing. Well, now. One thing’s for sure: after Reece Shearsmith is always welcome.
If that sounds like a rewrite of Taken, this, we’ll have a good idea whether We loved their last thing, Psychoville,
it’s not. Rather than an actioner, we City will ever lose their perfect home but the punters didn’t, so let’s hope
get a dark thriller as Jackman kidnaps record this season. We’ll also have this fares better. Expect an episodic
the man he holds responsible for the a good idea where the league title investigation of each house in a
disappearance. Paul Dano (Looper) may end up, though Arsenal may twisted street of freaks and weirdoes,
and Jake Gyllenhaal also star. have something to say about that. and their trademark dark humour.
★★★★ ★★★★★ ★★★★

Tuesday 4 February ● New issue of Nuts on sale today!

His bid to get in the

“Come on you two, Nuts calendar was “You’re looking
kiss and make up” a bit half-hearted very pale, Wazza”

my stranGe
aDDiction

River Monsters Ross Kemp: House Of Fools tlc/HD • 11.30pm

itv/HD • 7.30pm Extreme World BBc tWo/HD • 10pm Featuring an

18-year-old who
eats plastic every
There’s just nothing in this show that’s sky1/HD • 9pm How good has this turned out to be? day. Fave snack?
not to love, from the absurd episode Get past the slightly whiffy sight of Our money’s on
kinder Surprise.
titles (“Vampires Of The Deep” After visiting the warring tribes of two middle-aged men being silly, and
this week) to host Jeremy Wade’s Papua New Guinea and being robbed House Of Fools is a top gag deliverer.
ongoing mission to persuade us that at gunpoint, Northern Ireland would Tonight, Bob hopes to defend his title
every river in the world’s brimming seem to offer little concern to Ross. of toupee wearer of the year, but
with man-eating fish. This week, he’s But it’s still torn on religious and shenanigans occur. Plus, we really
in Canada to catch a bloodsucking political grounds, and some seem genuinely quite fancy neighbour Julie
beast from prehistoric times. eager for the violence to continue. (Morgana Robinson). Is that weird?
★★★★ ★★★★★ ★★★★
48
 Wednesday 5 February

Their one-armed “I’ve messed up this His chat-up

Mexican wave idea First Aid course exam, lines left them
was ill-thought-out haven’t I?” unmoved Brain Games

national
GeoGrapHic •

Sleepy Hollow Grimm This Is Jinsy 8pm

Dull new series

Universal/HD • 9pm WatcH/HD • 9pm sky atlantic/HD • 10pm studying the brain,
beginning by
speculating that
The sleeper hit returns from hiatus. Agreeable silliness in which Detective If you missed the first series of this colours are just
The resurrected Ichabod Crane is Nick Burkhardt (David Giuntoli) and daft-as-coconuts sitcom, you can illusions – and it’s
all the big pesky
now facing up to his similarly raised his team fight the good fight against catch the whole thing On Demand organ’s fault.
nemesis the Headless Horsemen in an packs of evil fairytale creatures which now. For those keeping up with the
apocalyptic battle between good and are alive and well and living in series, tonight’s ep sees Maven issue
evil. Also, his cop sidekick’s quite hot! Portland, Oregon, for some reason. an island-wide jumper ban when he
When an unidentified boy turns up, At the end of the last series, Nick had uncovers what he believes to be
Ichabod Crane and Lieutenant Abbie been put into a zombie-like trance. a wool-based terrorist plot. Ace!
Mills investigate his background. Hopefully, he’ll snap out of it soon. Stephen Mangan guest stars.
★★★★ ★★★ ★★★★

Thursday 6 February

“Yes! Meat pie “OK, this is how you

and chips get past level 149 The mobile tailor
Help! i’m
for tea!” of Candy Crush Saga” made his first sale snoWtrappeD
WORDS: MIkE HALL, RORY BUCkERIDGE, PETE CASHMORE, SI CUNNINGHAM

cHannel 5/HD
• 8pm

Darts Brooklyn Suits One-off featuring

sky sports 1/HD • 7pm Nine-Nine Dave/HD • 9pm

lucky escapes
from people
trapped in snow,
including a skier
Yes! Premier League darts is back, as e4/HD • 9pm Blah blah legal stuff. Blah blah sharp who was buried
alive under two
PHOTOS: ACTION IMAGES, REx FEATURES

Michael van Gerwen returns to defend suits. Blah blah plot shenanigans. The
metres of it after
his title. The roster’s made up by the The US cop comedy following an secret to this – one of the best shows triggering an
likes of Phil Taylor (obviously), Gary immature detective (Andy Samberg) on TV – is the zingy script, and bantz avalanche!
Anderson and Adrian Lewis, all dealing with a strait-laced new between the two lead chaps: partner
past winners or finalists, but keep boss continues to raise its fair share Gabriel Macht and associate Patrick J
an eye out for the preposterous of chuckles. Tonight, Jake tries Adams. And if you don’t want to book
hairstyles and tattoos of World his luck with an attractive medical a weekend in New York by the end of
Championship finalist Peter Wright. examiner at a crime scene. an episode, you have no pulse.
★★★★★ ★★★★ ★★★★
49
 MovIeS
“This is our tree, right? “Damn bats!”
No one else gets near”

ouT of The
furnaCe
29 January • 15
Christian Bale goes
up against woody
“Yup, it’s Harrelson to rescue
definitely a gun” his brother against a backdrop
of bare-knuckle fighting. ★★★★

“I’m sorry, but

we’ve sold out of
Nuts calendars”

lone survivor Operation Redwing And The Lost ThaT awkward

31 January • 15 Heroes Of SEAL Team 10) after momenT
Mark wahlberg a Taliban ambush in the Hindu 29 January • 15
plays real-life kush mountains. Also starring raucous rom-com
Navy SEAL Marcus Taylor kitsch and Emile Hirsch, following Zac Efron
Luttrell in a it’s brutal but brilliant and you and pals dealing with
gripping account of his fight won’t be able to take your eyes the transition from bromance to
for survivial (based on his book off the screen. ★★★★★ romance. Take the missus. ★★★★

MUSIC

The GasliGhT anThem You me aT six Broken Bells CYmBals

The B Sides Cavalier Youth After The Disco The Age Of Fracture
The US rock outfit have we love a bit of gutsy pop- This is the alter-ego of moody Still feeling a bit miserable
put out a tidy compilation rock at Nuts, and this latest Shins bloke James Mercer and wintery? A hearty
of acoustic tracks and offering from Surrey’s finest and Danger Mouse, so it’s dollop of indie disco pop
“Live Lounge”-styley does a good job of sticking it all melancholy and funky from this London outfit
covers. Decent stuff! ★★★ to our winter blues. ★★★★ in equal measure. ★★★ should hit the spot. ★★★

50
 appS
raTinGs: ★★★★★ Genius ★★★★ Very good
★★★ Investigate ★★ Alright ★ Rubbish

DvD & BLU-RaY rBs six naTions whosampled

Championship app iOS and Android
“No, we do not iOS and Android App that gets to the nitty-
work at KwikFit!” Updated app to coincide gritty of which samples
with the tournament with your favourite tunes use
live stats, news, highlights and whether they’ve been
and scores. ★★★★ covered or remixed. ★★★★
worDS: DAN BrIGHTMorE, MIkE HALL, SI CUNNINGHAM PHoToS: rEX FEATUrES

rush Bruhl) during the 1976 season. The Call Blood GlaCier
DVD & Blu-ray • 15 Featuring brilliant race DVD & Blu-ray • 15 DVD • 15
ron Howard directs sequences and superb acting Taut thriller with A mysterious red
this drama about from the two leads, it captures Halle Berry as glacier leads
the rivalry between the win-at-all-costs mentality a emergency a research team
F1 drivers James of the two drivers brilliantly. phone operator out in the Alps to a
Hunt (Chris Hemsworth) and Niki one to watch with your dad to save an abducted girl from terrifying discovery. Fans of The
Lauda (German actor Daniel or your pals. Brilliant! ★★★★★ the clutches of a killer. ★★★★ Thing will love this. ★★★

Watch trailer now www.youtube.com/imageentUK

DVD
£6.99

Blu-ray
£9.99
© 2012 California Pictures, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

available at

While stocks last.

 this week! They never missed
an epsiode of The

Scavengers
Great British Bake-Off

Aliens! Explosions! Intergalactic skulduggery ahoy!

Verdict…
Here’s what we think…
ScavengerS story involves a crew of space see, knows it forms one part of
27 January • 15 salvage experts led by Wake an even more powerful device
Nuts man Tom says:
We love movies (Roark Critchlow of V fame), called the Chaos Generator, and
“I’m a total
here at Nuts, who scour the universe looking is determined to reunite all sci-fi geek,
which is why we for abandoned wrecks. During three pieces. Scavengers
came up with the one such search, they find a Cue a spaceship chase reminded me
of top ’80s
idea of Film Club. Every couple highly powerful piece of alien across the universe, shoot outs shows like
of weeks, we have a cheap tech that threatens the balance and oodles of special effects. Space 1999
night in together, by grabbing a of the entire universe. If you enjoy bonkers B movies, and Battlestar
Galactica.”
few beers, turning on the office Thing is, a crew of space you’ll love this film, that really
popcorn maker (don’t all offices mercenaries led by Captain pushes the boundaries of what
have these?) and sticking in Jekel (Sean Patrick Flanery you can do on a limited budget. Nuts man Rom says:
a DVD we’ve been sent. from Young Indiana Jones) are The scene where one crew “I’m a massive
This week we got our hands desperate to get hold of this member explodes certainly got Star Trek fan,
so this was
on sci-fi flick Scavengers. The piece of tech, too. Jekel, you the girls in our gang shrieking! right up my
street. It was
a bit cheesy,
but in a good
way! I loved the
special effects!”

Nuts girl Lizzie says:

“The nerdy
boys in the
office really got
into it. I thought
it was fun –
especially the
bit where a
crewmember
“Yep, it looks like “And will someone explodes. Euw!”
a gun to me” wash these walls!”
 2

B&W
1

Maserati P5 sweet sound

headphones
www.bowers-wilkins.co.uk/shop
Neodymium magnets
and Mylar diaphragms
bring the noise.
“Maserati” edition line-
topping headphones. The leather
cups are in Maserati’s deep racing
blue, with the supercar’s Trident
emblem on the headband.

£330

2
LifeStraw Go
www.firebox.com
Drink bottle with a filter
that removes 99.9 per cent of
water-borne bacteria. So you can
Years of use!
jog by an ecoli-filled canal, scoop
The filter inside is good
up some water and slurp away!
to purify at least 1,000
£40 3 litres of water.

3
Puma
EvoPower 1
www.prodirectsoccer.com
A stretchable upper
allows the foot to bend, while
a customised heel helps with
softness, supplying a bigger range
of motion, for a “barefoot” feel.
what a stud!
£140 A mixture of conical and
bladed studs aid stability
and manoeuvrability.
4
BistroTea Pick Your tea
Teapod
www.bistro-tea.co.uk
4
eleven flavours include
english breakfast, earl
worDS: rory buckeriDge

Plop the foil stick in hot grey and fruity ones.

water, stir it, add milk and sugar,
then bin. There are 32 in a pack.

£15
53
w

“My sexiest outfit? A black cut-

out bra and French knickers!”
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 10 RUDE
QUESTIONS!
And a real girl to answer them!

Kirstine
23 Dumfries
1 Where’s the strangest
place you’ve had sex?
“The strangest place – but
3 What’s your
favourite position?
“Doggy style. I love it because
6 What really turns you
on in the bedroom?
“Having my neck kissed really
my big booty and her big
boobies. Loads of twerking and
motorboating will be done!
also the best – is probably it shows off my booty and I can drives me wild. As does a guy We’ll keep you informed!”
on a beach. The sand, the give it a bit of a twerk!” who knows what he’s doing
sea, the sex… it feels so free
and out in the open. I have
to confess that sand up the 4 Is it better to give
or receive?
and is in control. There’s just
something about a confident
guy that’s a real turn-on. But
8 What’s the rudest thing
you’ve ever done?
“I was with my ex years ago,
bum is a killer, though!” “It’s got to be both as I have if you really want to get me we were out and very horny
to keep my man happy but going crazy, then a bit of neck and we basically didn’t make

2 What’s your
trademark move
in the bedroom?
he’s also got to keep me happy.
I get turned on giving, though
– I love seeing how much I can
kissing and messing around
always works wonders.”
it home. I was on top of him
and suddenly I felt someone
touch my shoulder and saying,
“Booty clapping, which is
wiggling my bum so that
turn a guy on.”
7 Ever got it on with
another girl?
‘Excuse me…’ I turned around
and it was two policemen.
it makes a clapping noise
5 “Well, me and my model friend I’ve never been so embarrassed
Photos: Paul musso

What one thing would

when I’m on top. Guys you really like to try but Emma Green are going to in all my life. There I was,
absolutely love it and it’s haven’t yet? Tenerife in March together to giving him my best moves
always good to use your “I say you should try shoot over there, so you never and all the time two policemen
booty and make it clap!” everything at least once!” know what could happen with were stood there!”
9 What’s your
favourite
sexy outfit?
“My black lacy
underwear with
suspenders and
stockings. Also,
heels are a must.
I love getting
dressed up, it
really gets me
in the mood.”

10 Have you
ever
made a sex tape?
“No, never. I’ve
seen enough
leaked sex tapes
to know better!”
 Get CBB’s
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 share Ladies, got a saucy

with our
secret you can’t

Racy revelations from our female readers! secretary!

keep to yourself?
Send your sexy
story to our Lou!

I could tell he was undressing

me with his eyes. After lots of ‘My sexy spa
flirting, I cheekily asked if he’d
like to see the suite where a
famous star often stays. He
sessions’
i’vE bEEn seeing a young
jumped at it and we grinned, guy I met at the gym. He’s
knowing what would happen cheeky and adventurous.
next. I’ve never done anything We would train with each
like it before, and could’ve lost other, getting hot and
my job had I been caught, but sweaty, then go for a steam
lust took over! The bed is huge together in the spa and
in there and there are these tease each other with our
long loungers and gorgeous hands in the Jacuzzi when
chairs – we ended up rocking the bubbles were on. One
away on everything! It was so day we couldn’t take it any
passionate and he certainly more and he pulled my
knew which buttons to push. bikini bottoms to the side
It’s fair to say that I had a lunch and slid into me. It felt
break to remember! amazing, but more so that
Natalie West London there were people around
the place, coming in and

‘Neighbours out of changing rooms –

someone could have been

‘My first time in the snow’ woke me up’ watching! It didn’t last long
because the bubbles were
ILLUSTRATION: NICk PURSeR/fOLIO ART *eDITOR’S DeCISION IS fINAL. TeRMS & CONDITIONS ON PAGe 58 APPLY

EarliEr this week I woke only on for five minutes but

thE cold weather reminds me of last year when my man
up one morning to the sounds it was amazing! He held
and I visited an old country house, which looked beautiful in
of my neighbours in the flat my hips while he thrust
the snow. We were messing about in the grounds, throwing
next door having wild sex. I into me and came. The
snowballs, when he proposed we do it! It was freezing but
could hear the man grunting sexiest thing I’ve ever done
we soon stripped off. I was bending over a log, bare bum in
and groaning, then lots of and one we repeated more
the air, when a maintenance truck whizzed past! The driver
panting from the woman and than just the once!
flashed his lights and beeped his horn and we both burst out
asking for more and for him Michelle Lancashire
laughing, gave a little wave and ran back to the car. I think
to go harder. It really turned
we’ll stick to the warm and stay indoors if it snows this year!
me on, and I felt more than
Alys Brentwood
a little naughty for listening
so intently. My hands moved
Win £50!
‘A warm having amazing sex with
a guest. I’d just checked in
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him and his friends, who were
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raunchiest confessions
to louise_prior@
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busy hotel in London and and I was getting hot under my pleasantries in the hallway! the address on page
last week I ended up tight suit. He was so sexy and Rach via email 58. The best one each
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Join nuts Hook-ups and meet Hot single girls at www.nuts.co.uk/Hookups Come on, girls!

59
 At the time of writing, City’s own goals

The Man City

(received) is four, more than the
league goals scored by Jack Wilshere,
Santi Cazorla, Lukas Podolski, Steven
Fletcher, Philippe Coutinho, Michu,

goalfest!
Nicolas Anelka, Papiss Cissé…
In the Premier League,
only Arsenal (43 goals)
and Liverpool (53 goals)
have managed more
Mad facts and figures about goals, home and away,
Pellegrini’s plunderers! than the 42 that City had
scored at home in their
Last week,
first eleven home games,
WORDS: PeTe CASHMORe PHOTOS: PA PHOTOS, ACTiON iMAgeS

Manchester City
which were all victories.
became the
fastest club to break
through the 100 goals in Again, prior to facing Watford,
all competitions barrier, City had scored four or more
against Cardiff. Their goals in a game 12 times this
crazy goalscoring success season, putting four past
this season has been Newcastle, Man United, Viktoria
staggering, but just how Plzen, Fulham and Cardiff, five
staggering are we talking
Before facing past Wigan, CSKA Moscow
here? Allow Nuts to Watford in and Blackburn, six past Spurs,
illustrate the only way we
know – with mad facts!
the FA Cup, Arsenal and West Ham and
seven past the hapless Norwich.
City fans who
only go to
home games
saw their
team score
68 times.

Following City’s Capital

One Cup semi-final
second-leg against West
Ham, four players had hit
double-figure goal tallies
for the season, with Alvaro
Negredo leading the way
on 23, then Sergio Aguero
When City passed
with 22, edin Dzeko with 16
and Yaya Touré with 14.
100 goals in all
competitions, they
did so after 34
games, which is
eight games quicker
than the previous
holders of the
record, Chelsea.
64
In matches involving the “Big Six”, Man United have managed
seven goals in eight games, Arsenal have bagged eight in
seven, Chelsea ten in seven, Liverpool eight in six, and Spurs
five in seven. City have scored 19 in five vs Big Six opponents.
Negredo: ‘We
City have already scored 16
more goals than they did in
the whole of last season,
under Roberto Mancini. They
all want to be
City need a goal
passed his total when they
went 5-0 up against West
Ham on 8 January. top scorer!’
In-form Alvaro says City want the quadruple!
from one of their Hi Alvaro! You seem become better and better.
right-backs to to be enjoying your I feel strong, I feel confident
and the most important
complete the full first season in
English football. thing is that I’m really
set of goals from I must confess, even though enjoying myself, as you may
I’d heard a lot about the have noticed.
every position Premier League, you have
(except keeper). to experience it personally What’s makes the Premier
to understand what it’s all
Micah Richards, about. The expectation,
League unique?
Teams go for the throat for
Pablo Zabaleta – the fight, the need to be the full 90 minutes, no
physical is all incredible. matter how big the club is.
over to you! I’ve enjoyed it though. Mistakes are almost always
punished too. Even if you’re
And you can’t stop scoring! a top side, you can lose any
Well, we’re are a very game. The defenders are
attacking side who create aggressive too, and there’s
many chances, and my job’s always a fight. It suits me!
to put the ball in the back of
the net. Of course, the team You’re favourites to win the
winning is the most Capital One Cup. Can your
important thing, but I’m goals fire Man City to the
enjoying my goals. Premier League title too?
I certainly hope so! We have
Only two teams all season have Is there any rivalry between a very, very strong squad
yourself, Sergio Aguero and with attacking options in
prevented City from scoring in a game, Edin Dzeko? many positions. I just hope
the somewhat unlikely pairing of Stoke We all want to finish top I can keep weighing in
scorer, it’s only natural. But with goals and assists.
(0-0) and Sunderland, who won at the it was fantastic that, when We want to win every
Stadium Of Light by the odd goal. Sergio was out injured, competition we’re in –
myself and Edin put Premier League included!
together such a strong
Twelve different City players
partnership. Our ● Man City vs Chelsea is on
have scored in open play.
partnership has been Sky Sports 1/HD on 29
Of the 12, none of them have
special. We seem to have January at 8pm.
failed to score multiple
a good communication and
goals – James Milner,
Having reached the final of know instinctively what the
Slovan Jovetic and Vincent
the Capital One Cup, and with other one does. Now that “OK, let’s nail
Kompany are bringing up
at least one FA Cup tie and Sergio’s back, the team’s this three-legged
the rear with two apiece.
two legs of the Champions in very good shape. race!”
League still to come, City will
score at least 167 goals in the Is this the best season of
season if they keep scoring at your career?
their current rate. However, It could end up that way.
if they make it to the The opportunity to play
Champions League final and with the very best
FA Cup final (without replays), footballers drives you to
this will rise to 194 goals.
 He’s the voice of the fans – and he’s only in Nuts!

Mata will be the

window’s big deal!
Man United will be the biggest spenders
at the time of defensively. But with a
writing, it has been player like Mata, you focus
a quiet transfer on the attacking qualities
window, but Man United’s rather than the defensive
signing of Juan Mata may shortcomings. The United
well be the catalyst for some fans will be placated a bit
high-level activity as the because it’s clear that
week progresses. Moyes’ last signing,
There’s always one big- Marouane Fellaini, doesn’t
money marquee signing really fit into the United
in any window, but unless style of play. Mata will.
something spectacular You could argue that
happens, this time around £37million is a lot for a
it’s Mata. United are short player who’s hardly played
on quality. Juan Mata is this season, but if he can
top quality – he just wasn’t do what he did at Chelsea
Jose Mourinho’s cup of tea last season, it’ll turn out
because he didn’t do enough to be good business.
“See ya!”

The worst shoot-out ever! Signs are good for Sherwood!

tim sherwood has made
United’s performance the best start – five wins
against Sunderland culminated “Bury and a draw – in the Premier
in the worst penalty shoot-out him” League of any manager.
I’ve ever seen. It shows what a If he was called Gianluca
factor pressure can be – a lot of Sherwoni and had arrived here
photos: action images, pa photos

the younger players won’t have from a Serie A club, I suspect “Walk on water?
faced that kind of pressure everybody would be gathering Yes, actually!”
before. But the penalty debacle around to hail him as a genius.
actually draws attention away Yep, at the moment, all in the
from a more important truth garden is rosy for Tim, but I’d ● send jokes, comments, pics
– Sunderland were the better still remind everyone that only etc to [email protected].
team over the two legs! time will tell us if he’s the best the best one each week wins
thing since sliced bread! a signed Nuts t-shirt!
66
 San Francisco 49-aargh!
WORDS: PETE CASHmORE PHOTOS: ACTION ImAgES

Gridiron star suffers horrendous wonky leg injury!

Here at Nuts, and then, the rough and happened during a game with Amazingly, his dislocated
we’re quick to mock tumble of the sport throws up the Seattle Seahawks and, to knee somehow slipped back
our American cousins some pretty horrific injuries add insult to clearly apparent in place and he “only”
for their version of football, – and here’s NaVarro injury, he then had the ball suffered a ruptured anterior
being as it is a dumbed-down Bowman of the San Francisco pulled from his grasp while cruciate and medial collateral
type of rugby performed in 49ers suffering one! This he lay on the ground and it ligament that rules him out
RoboCop suits. But every now horrendous sideways leg-bend was ruled he’d lost possession. for the year. That’s OK then.

“While you’re down

there, can you call me
an ambulance? Ta”

Ruptured
ACL: what
it feels like
Nuts man
Colin
ruptured his
ACL after
the editor
fouled him
in a five-a-
side match [Oi! – the Ed].
He explains how bad it is…
“I felt my knee joint
twisting into an unusual
position. I heard a loud
snap, but didn’t feel much
pain. It’s not as painful as a
broken bone in that sense
– that hurts immediately.
It’s more a sickening
nausea due to shock. The
pain comes after, once it’s
being reconstructed. They
took a tendon from my
hamstring, drilled a hole
in my thigh and shin,
threaded the new ligament
through and bolted it into
place. Now that hurt!”

67
 watch John Cassidy is
a real lip-reading
your expert. And a
mouth! fully paid-up FA
coach to boot!

When he watches a match, he sees every word!

Samuel Eto’o: “I scored

that one! I scored that one!
I scored! Eto’o! Eto’o!”
Olivier Giroud: Chelsea vs Man United Stamford Bridge, 19 Jan, 4.16pm
“Great passing!” someone tell the Chelsea man it took a massive deflection.

David Moyes:
“F**king hell,
f**k that, that’s
an elbow!”
Mesut Özil:
“Thank you!”
arsenal vs fUlhaM The Emirates, 18 January, 3.04pm Chelsea vs Man United Stamford Bridge, 19 Jan, 4.19pm
Arsenal display their new polite approach to team spirit. The United boss spots a red card where the ref doesn’t.
To ConTACT The lip reAder, wriTe To: [email protected]

Brad Guzan: “F**king

Ole Gunnar Solksjaer: “Are you hell, I’ve never f**king
sure? Nah. Let’s wait and see.” touched him! F**k me!”

Man City vs Cardiff The Etihad, 18 January, 3.02pm liverpool vs aston villa Anfield, 18 January, 6.38pm
The new Bluebirds boss has a relaxed approach to tactics. Guzan concedes a pen, but wins the potty mouth trophy.

69
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 The cash machines
in The Vatican
Bank give the The Hobbit:
option of An Unexpected
Journey was the
having most pirated film
instructions of 2013, with
8.4 million illegal
in Latin. downloads.

In the recent Ashes series,

Australia’s last five wickets,
Verne ÒMini MeÓ
provided 624 more runs Troyer always
than England’s, not to
mention 238 more runs
has to perform
than their own opening his own stunts
five wickets!
because
In 18th-century London, there’s
as many as one woman nobody his
in five either worked size who
or supplemented her can stand
income as a prostitute. in for him.

In 2011, a polar bear Between 31

August and 26
was tracked swimming December 2013,
30 of 32
continuously in search of Newcastle goals
land for nine straight days, Rhinotillexis is the technical
were scored
covering 426 miles. name for nose picking.
by french or
french-
It also encompasses the
speaking
subsequent eating of snot.
players. One of
the two other
The grunts
goals was
of Belarusian
an own goal by

WORDS: JOSEPH SCRIMSHIRE, RORY BUCKERIDGE, PETE CASHMORE PHOTOS: REx fEATURES
tennis player
a Welshman.
Victoria Azarenka
as she strikes
a ball measure
95 decibels – nearly PS4 owners watch three times
the same volume as as much porn through their
a pneumatic drill. consoles as Xbox One owners.

Pub ammo on… Call Of Duty DLC

● To date over 32,300,000, Modern Warfare 2. That’s ● Over five billion cars have
000,000,000 shots have enough to build 15,000 been destroyed in the game.
been fired within Call Of Great Pyramids of Giza. ● Onslaught, the first batch
Duty. Or 32.3 quadrillion. ● Over 25 billion hours of Call of Call Of Duty Ghosts DLC
● Over 31 billion care packages Of Duty have been played is now available for Xbox
have been called in since online. Or 2.85 million years. 360 and Xbox One.