COPYRIGHT AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction 3

Chapter 1.  Parenting, Stress, and the Shaping of

Children’s Biology 13

Chapter 2.  The Challenges of Contemporary Parenting 39

Chapter 3.  Love and Resilience 67

Chapter 4.  Parenting Before Birth 93

Chapter 5.  Laying the Foundation: The Early Years 121

Chapter 6.  In the Mind’s Eye: Mentalizing and Empathy 147

Chapter 7.  Tempering the Tantrum: Regulating Children’s

Negative Emotions 169

Chapter 8.  Capitalizing on Children’s Positive Emotions 197

Chapter 9.  Nurturing Your Child’s Nature 221

Chapter 10.  The Coparent 251

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Epilogue 281

Notes 289

Index 335

About the Authors 000

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INTRODUCTION

The idea for writing this book began germinating in our heads a couple
of years after we had both received tenure. Now comfortable that
we would have jobs for the foreseeable future, we were free to think
more broadly about the kind of work we wanted to do. At this point in
our lives, we had written dozens of scientific papers, but our children
were still young. We were waking up in the middle of the night to face
nightmarish monsters, fetch cups of water, and pat our younger
children back to sleep. Our older kids were starting school, encoun-
tering new challenges with learning and with peers. We had years of
training in developmental science at our fingertips, and after reading
dozens of books on parenting—how to get children to sleep, what
to do to help children be successful—we realized that there was a
lack of parenting books focused on the basics of how children thrive
emotionally with the goal of building resilience.
More specifically, our research and dozens of new studies over
the past several decades have identified strategies and parenting
behaviors that help children navigate challenges, bounce back from
failures, and to thrive. We were interested in writing a back-to-basics
books that would provide concrete techniques and tips to help parents
with the goal of raising happy and healthy children. We firmly believe
that a happy, healthy childhood is what all parents want and that it

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is the foundation for all goals and aspirations. We could have waited
to write this book, but something about having the early childhood
years fresh in our memory motivated us. In addition, there was an
urgency about the story we wanted to tell that meant we couldn’t
put off writing the book.
Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit. All the supports we had put
in place to make our careers feasible collapsed overnight. The pre-
carious arrangement we had previously struck with work–life balance
suddenly became a joke and gave us even more reason to wait to
write our book. At the same time, though, the need for the book was
becoming increasingly apparent. In this world of change, of rapid
technological advances, societal upheavals, and natural disasters,
what are the most essential aspects of parenting? What matters for
children’s happiness and well-being? Parents everywhere struggle with
these same challenges of how to navigate this complex world in which
we have so much information at our fingertips and so much pressure
to invest in our children, all of which creates tremendous pressure to
know the right thing to do—as if there were a single “right” way to
parent. The pandemic took a pot of water that was already at a boiling
point and turned it up 50 degrees because, suddenly, the pressure was
on to be everything your child needed all at the same time (while
also being everything your profession needed). Moreover, evidence
was coming out showing an increase in stress, anxiety, and depres-
sion in children from toddlers to college students. We decided to write
our book.
Becoming a parent may be the single most life-changing event
a human being experiences. Despite having 9 months to prepare for
this shift (longer, if you’ve been trying to get pregnant, less if it was
a surprise), nothing can truly prepare you for this life change. No
amount of babysitting, reading parenting books, or watching other
parents as they parent prepares you to understand the gravity of
having the sole responsibility for keeping a human being alive; for

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Introduction

inculcating them with the values you wish a person to grow into adult-
hood with; for being the person your child looks to for guidance, for
comfort, and for the answer to all of their woes. And nothing prepares
you to turn into the kind of parent you want to be when you bring
this person, who is to be your child, into the world. What if you
don’t have the answer to all of your own woes, let alone all of theirs?
Well, of course you don’t, because that’s what being human is all
about: None of us has the answer to our own pains. We travel this
path of life not knowing where it ends, or where the path will wind,
or where the bumps lie, and the transition to becoming a parent is
no exception to this rule.
We, Stacey and Jessie, the authors, come to this book with over­
lapping and distinct expertise and intentions. One of us (Stacey) is
a developmental psychologist by training with expertise on stress
and children’s biology. The other (Jessie) is a clinical psychologist,
an academic and a practicing clinician who specializes in parenting,
children, and relationships. This book has been a journey for us and
a challenging one in many ways. We wanted to distill the voluminous
body of research into something that parents can read and appreciate.
We very much wanted to take a “whole person” approach to parenting.
When we say, whole person, we mean we wanted to explain how
biology, the mind, emotions, and thoughts all relate and play out
in the context of parenting research. Parents are smart, and they
want to know and understand their child. We also understand that
parenting is complex and that children’s development is influenced
by a myriad of factors. We wanted to acknowledge this complexity.
This book, in many ways, is my (Stacey’s) own therapy session.
I am the first to admit I am not the greatest parent. Compared to my
husband, I am impatient and can be harsh. My parenting behavior
is likely very much influenced by my father, your stereotypical strict,
authoritarian dad. I have written a lot about my father. I have spent
years in therapy trying to understand his actions and trying to undo

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some of the harm he did. As an adult, I do understand and am more

empathetic to his intentions. Yet, at the same time, I rarely write
about my mother. She does not occupy my mind in the same way
my father does. My mother knew how to love unconditionally. It
is because of her love that I am here today. This book, then, is very
much a book about her.
This experience of being hit over the head by the reality of
parenthood cannot be any more humbling than having a PhD in
child development and clinical psychology like I (Jessie) do. I spent
years studying parent–child relationships and the importance of
healthy emotional development in laying the foundation for a life-
time of health before I had my first child. Imagine what you might
expect of yourself if you had earned a doctorate in parenting (effec-
tively speaking) only then to become a parent and realize that the
academic study of parenting is a far cry from the reality! I had also
spent years working clinically with parents and children—hearing
their stories, catching their tears, and weeping alongside them for
their struggles—but even this could not prepare me for what it felt
like to step into a parent’s shoes.
Early in my (Jessie’s) clinical training, the parent of one of my
clients told me this:

I would never fully trust a psychologist who hadn’t been a parent

before. If you haven’t held a baby who wouldn’t stop crying
at four in the morning and had no idea what to do, how to
soothe that baby—really experienced what it is like when there
is nobody to call but you—then I just don’t buy that you get
what it’s like to be me.

I remember thinking (in my naive therapist voice) that this might be

the client’s lens but that my lack of firsthand experience was made up
for by my objectivity and ability see the situation clearly, unclouded
by my own experience of parenting. Now, standing on the other side

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of 11½ years of being a parent, I see things completely differently.

I know what it’s like to be up in the middle of the night unable
to soothe my crying baby, having nobody to rely on (or blame) but
myself. I know that feeling of desperation and pain and fear. I know
the questions that emerge: Will this ever end? Do I have what it takes
to see this through? What can I possibly try next? In addition to these
challenges of parenting an infant, I also know firsthand the deeper
scars that come from parenting an older child, the gut-wrenching
sadness that comes from watching your child experience some-
thing unkind in the outside world (like teasing or bullying) and
knowing there’s nothing you can do to shield your child from such
pain. Parents of children who have qualities that likely will lead
to teasing, bullying, or discrimination and racism know this kind of
pain all too well. We release our children into this big world, knowing
that the world isn’t a safe place for them.
I (Jessie) wish I could go back to that parent and tell her that I
now understand—and that I couldn’t possibly have been as good of
a therapist to her child then as I could now—or to her. There is no
way I could have ever understood what it’s like to have your child’s
heart sewn into your own in such a way that there is no mine and
theirs. There is just an us and ours.
Our children grow and change in ways that surprise, delight,
and dismay us, and we may similarly grow and change as parents.
Our job is to shift alongside them, to adapt in the ways they need us
to adapt so that we can be there with them. Where, though, are we
to look for guidance about parenting? The amount of information
out there in the media and our daily lives about parenting is dizzying.
Now, more than ever, we are inundated with advice! Everyone from
your grandmother to The Economist to Kim Kardashian has an
opinion on everything related to parenting. The advice churns out
unsolicited; it begins from the moment a pregnancy is announced,
and it ends—well, it never really seems to end. The one thing that

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seems to be universal about parenting advice is that everyone is cer-

tain they’ve got it right, and people are quite dogmatic about their
advice. And yet the advice given is completely conflicting, so one self-
proclaimed expert may tell you that exclusively breastfeeding is the
only way to go, and another one will tell you that formula feeding
is absolutely guaranteed to help your baby.
The problem with all of these messages, too, is that somehow
what is implied is that if you don’t follow the given advice, you will
have made a terrible mistake, taken a wrong turn, and have done
something that will somehow exact irrevocable harm on your child.
The other important corollary from these messages is that parents
are incredibly powerful creatures: They have the power to exert tre-
mendous influence over their children’s future. Specifically, parents
have the power to make horrible mistakes that could mess up their
children’s ability to realize their potential. Such pressure! You receive no
training before you get there, and yet you somehow have all the pres­
sure in the world to do it the right way the first time out of the gate!
Then there is an upsurge in the public discussion of biological
and genetic underpinnings of personality and behavior, which often
leaves parents feeling as though their children’s struggles boil down
to their fault because of (a) their genetics or (b) their parenting prac-
tices. The end result is that parents’ anxiety has spiraled out of control.
Worries—about one’s own ability to parent, the extent to which
parenting matters, and the thousands of ways the things we do (or
don’t do) can inadvertently hurt our kids—abound in social media
and popular writings. At the same time, recent data suggest that
parents and children are more stressed than ever. Rates of depres-
sion are rising with the most rapid increase seen in young people.
Something has gone very wrong here. We aren’t helping parents cope
with the challenges of parenthood, and we might just be harming
them. How are you, as a parent, to sort through this mess when all
of these messages are coming at you from every which way?

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All of this provided the motivation for this book. We felt the
need for some sound, science-based, practical guidance for parents
who do not want to be talked down to and don’t want to be judged
while parenting. The overarching goal of this book is to provide
a science-based framework for best parenting practices that foster
children’s social-emotional development and adaptive stress-regulation
strategies. Furthermore, in writing this book, we are seeking to balance
equally the need to promote mental health within the whole family
based on the understanding that children will suffer if parents’ emo-
tional needs are unmet. Thus, in our writing, you will feel us moving
back and forth between considering the emotional needs of children
and the emotional needs of parents, and advocating for approaches
that optimize whole family health and well-being in the service of
moving closer to open communication regarding everyone’s rights
and needs within the family system.
This book accomplishes these goals by reviewing and translating
cutting-edge research on parenting in pursuit of the thesis that biology
and parenting behavior are integrally intertwined. We make complex
scientific insights regarding child development understandable for
readers and underscore the practical implications of such under-
standing. We focus on best parenting practices that foster children’s
social-emotional development and adaptive stress-regulation strate-
gies, and we offer concrete strategies parents can use to enhance their
parenting in the service of promoting children’s emotional well-being.
To make our points more concrete, we use examples from real
parents and children, including from our own children’s lives, and
from our friends and colleagues. We also use examples from the
families we have worked with in our research laboratories or clinical
practice. When quoting our sources, we have made changes to pre-
serve their confidentiality while remaining true to their stories. We
often find that using examples helps us make our points more effec-
tively, and we hope you will agree.

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One thing you’ll notice: We frequently try to illustrate how to

use a parenting strategy effectively. Showing this means that we are
probably talking about our parenting successes more than we are
talking about our parenting struggles (although we do some of that,
too). However, we don’t want to give the impression that our parent-
ing is full of successes and devoid of struggles. Like every parent, we
find the experience of parenting to be one of ups and downs, trials and
tribulations, frustration and reward. Oftentimes we present advice
from experts in a way that is simplified to make it clear, but we know
(from our own experiences) that parenting is anything but simple.
Please keep this in mind as you go through the book and know that
we are in this adventure alongside you—and that we strongly believe
that being “in it” with your child is what matters more than arriving
at a certain place.

INTENDED AUDIENCE

Who did we write this book for, you may be wondering? We wrote it
for any parent or caregiver who is interested in joining this conver-
sation about the impact of parenting on their child’s development.
The intention of this book is to help parents consider their parenting
from different vantage points, to open up new ways of thinking and
viewing their relationship with their child. As such, much of what we
do in this book is invite you to engage in reflective practices and to
consider information and how it pertains to your relationship with
your child, rather than offer prescriptive or one-size-fits-all advice.
We wrote this book for parents who do not have any back-
ground in science, statistics, psychology, or medicine, so the terms
we use and the way we describe the research studies used as examples
throughout the book are designed to be accessible. Most impor-
tantly, we wrote this book for parents or caregivers of any gender or
from any racial, ethnic, cultural, or religious background. Parenting

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practices undoubtedly vary across these demographic dimensions,

however, and much of the research we have to draw on will, unfor-
tunately, not feature people from all demographic backgrounds
equally. Nonetheless, we intend for this book to be inclusive and
for the messages we offer to be open to all parents and caregivers
of children.
We believe this book will be most useful to parents of children
under age 12 years; parents of children at this age have a stronger
influence on their day-to-day lives. However, it’s never too late to
be reflective and intentional about your parenting, and even parents
of late adolescents may find some of the topics we discuss to have
relevance to their parenting experiences.

A SELF-GUIDED TOUR

Consider this book a self-guided tour through some of the latest ideas
in the field of developmental psychology. You can think of it as some-
thing of a conversation with me (Stacey), a developmental health
psychologist who designs laboratory-based studies on children’s
responses to stress, and with me (Jessie), a developmental clinical
psychologist who sees clients and does research. As academics, we
believe in the power of evidence and research. As parents, we also
understand the importance of practical advice and the application
of science. We cover a lot in this book and recommend you read the
chapters in order—but take your time! At the end of each chapter, we
also have a “Too Long, Didn’t Read” box (with the heading “TL, DR”)
in which we quickly summarize the chapter’s key points. We under-
stand that, as a parent, sometimes the only free time available is the
walk from the car seat to the driver’s seat!
In Chapter 1, we lay out the complexities of the nature versus
nurture debate in light of the recent work on epigenetics, the disci-
pline devoted to understanding the influence of the environment on

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gene expression. We also make the case that parenting matters much
more than we could have ever realized. Parenting behaviors can
shape biology; they can also shape your children’s genes. In Chapter 2,
we discuss the nature of contemporary parenting with particular
emphasis on the increased levels of stress and anxiety. We put forth
the critical premise that, to be good parents, we need to be able take
care of ourselves. In Chapter 3, we review the literature on love with
an emphasis on why it is essential for resilience. We also seek to
demystify “love” by being explicit about what it means. Chapter 4
focuses on prenatal development. The reality of the matter is that
what “good parenting” looks like varies a lot as a child ages. Young
children are unique, and in this chapter, we discuss strategies for
helping very young children to develop into happy and healthy adults.
Chapter 5 focuses on parenting during the early years of children’s
lives. Chapters 6 through 8 discuss concrete strategies that parents
should nurture in themselves (e.g., empathy, mentalizing) and strat-
egies for parents to try to regulate children’s negative affect and
also to capitalize on their positive emotions. In Chapter 9, we dis-
cuss the idea that your child’s personality plays a role in how you
parent (sometimes called an “individual differences approach”). In
Chapter 10, we discuss the dynamics of co-parenting and focus on
how the complex interactions between parents can influence children’s
development. We round out the book with an epilogue.
On the whole, you can view this book as a user-friendly tour of
the latest science out there on the ways in which parenting influences
children’s development. This tour focuses in particular on helping
you raise children who will be resilient in the face of stress.
We thank you for going on this journey with us. Let’s start,
shall we?

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