lli n g

Methods

10 N o - Y e System

teach & correct

to
while YOU remain calm
for ages 2-10

The Playbook
 Hi, I’m Sharon Silver,
founder of Proactive Parenting. Welcome.

Proactive Parenting’s mission is to help parents transform yelling and punishing

into into Learning Moments.™ That’s what10 No-Yelling Methods System
provides. These methods will enhance your family’s growth. However, if you,
your child, or your spouse do not resonate with these ideas, please seek out other
forms of support to address whatever you’re dealing with in your family.
The 10 No-Yelling methods in this playbook will move your parenting from punitive words and
actions that produce fearful obedience and reactive corrections to responsive directions which
allow kids to focus and learn about themselves and the world around them.
A bit about me. I present information using “kindergarten-level” words so parents can remember
the methods when they’re triggered, and children can respond, even when they’re upset.
My parenting career began with an education in parenting, early childhood development, and
interpersonal dynamics, resulting in four certifications in parent education. I’ve received training
from The Cline/Fay Institute, INCAF, The Gesell Institute of Child Development and was
blessed to have a professor who studied with Magda Gerber, which changed everything about
parenting for me.

This playbook, and all the products at Proactive Parenting, provide words and actions to stay connected, calm,
and clear as you teach your child, instead of always defaulting to yelling and punishment.

I’ve broken the rules of design by using color and italics in this ebook.! I decided that since this playbook is about kids,
I could dust off my love of coloring and design and have some fun.
P.S. Please consider any punctuation or grammatical mistakes my gift to you, a reminder that no one is perfect.
No parent likes it when situations shift from what’s going on to arguing with a spouse/partner about how to handle things.
So, let’s get started!
 methods

1 0 N o- Ye lli n g System
that teach & correct
while you
remain calm
Table of Contents
A Letter to My Parents 4 23 #5 Get-Ready
what my brain likes best gentle, age-appropriate way to correct ages 2-4

#1 The Danger Zone 5 27 #6 The Remembering Spot

behavior is getting worse & what to do connected, updated version of timeout ages 5-9

#2 The Rope Drop 8

32 #7 Learning Consequences
calmly disengaging from arguing & power struggles creating behavioral wisdom ages 10-18

#3 The Buffer Zone 13

38 #8 Umbrella Rules
ways to move a child from anger to calm making the rules the bad guy, not you

#4 Parent Pie 18 42 #9 A Make-Up

why attention is seen as misbehavior creating a true, heart-felt I’m sorry

* Timeout 21 45 #10 Try Again

3 different ages, 3 different timeouts the two most powerful words & why

50 Bibliography

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 3.

 “Did you know that your brain has two fundamental states that
share how you experience life in the moment. One is called the
No-Brain and the other is called the Yes-Brain.
[These] two branches of our autonomic nervous system—
which regulates certain processes, like our blood pressure, and
can be activated as we react to a threat.
One is accelerating the sympathetic branch that gets us ready
to fight, flee, or freeze as our bodies prepare for the potential
harm. The other is a parasympathetic branch, which
essentially puts on the brakes; this branch can also become
activated if we feel completely helpless.
With either of these activating or deactivating states, we are
Dear Mom & Dad, now reactive, and no longer receptive to what is going on
I’m a kid, and I haven’t learned how to explain my behavior yet, but around us. This No-Brain shuts off our connections to others
this playbook can. Many adults use books to learn how to talk about and ourselves.
feelings and how to change behavior. However, few adults speak at the In contrast, there’s what I call the Yes-Brain.
level this author calls “Kindergarten-level-language.” Kindergarten
This receptive state turns on what researcher Stephen Porges
language use the level of language that kids can understand when
has called the ‘social engagement system,’ supporting an open,
they’re upset. This playbook does that as it shares ten reframed time- curious, connected stance, that’s reflected in the feelings of
tested methods for giving instructions and correcting behavior. being calm, seen, safe, and activated that people describe when
There are two things most parents learn during the early years of they finally hear the word ‘yes’.
parenting: The Yes-Brain is not about being permissive…it’s about
1. What you say and do impacts your child. knowing how to skillfully create structure and learning in your
2. The beliefs you have today were created when you were a child. child’s life.” 1

All people have an inner child. This playbook helps parents create a natural structure
The following section is a quote that teaches as you correct behavior by using words that are
from Dr. Dan Siegal’s book at a “kindergarten level” language so children can
The Yes Brain 15 explaining why understand, and parents will remember what to do
that’s important. when emotions are running high. Let’s begin.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 4.

 the ™
Don’t give up. The new calm method isn’t failing;
you’ve entered The Danger Zone.
The Danger Zone is what I call the phase between stopping
the previous way you corrected behavior, yelling, and the
new calmer method you’re trying.

Question: “If
switching to a calm method is the answer,
When parent and child are flooded with feelings, the result is usually a then why would my child’s behavior seem to be
battle of wills or a power struggle. Call it what you like; it’s getting worse?”
tremendously hard on both parent and child.
The uptick in misbehavior is a child’s unconscious attempt
Many parents believe that a battle of wills is 100% the child’s fault. to see what, if anything, will get you to return to the only
However, if you observe a battle of wills objectively, you will see two type of correction they’ve ever known—yelling.
sides, each one valid yet destined to collide with each other.
Here’s why.
For a child, the yelling is familiar and
Few parents like yelling or the reactions that follow. Emotional chaos expected, which makes the new calmer
tends to send parents hunting for new methods. Once you find a method immediately confusing.
technique that’s calm and firm at the same time, you feel like you’ve
won the lottery, and think you’ve got this parenting thing nailed!

THEN, two days into this new method, you begin to notice that your
The changes rattle him; he
child’s behavior is getting worse, not better?! You’re confused because unconsciously doesn’t trust that the
the technique is far calmer than the yelling that’s previously been yelling won’t come back, not yet.
occurring.

What’s up? He unconsciously begins to oppose

First, you wonder whether the method is a good fit for your child? his parents to see what, if anything,
Then, you begin to doubt whether any calm method will work to will cause you to go back to the only
change behavior? thing he has ever known, yelling.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 6.

 the
cont. What’s a
the danger zone (TDZ)
foundational adjustment?
A foundational adjustment is when a set of
triggers what TDZ is & isn’t core beliefs about ourselves and how we
For most kids, yelling as you correct behavior interact with others is broadened and
triggers the fight/flight or freeze response. TDZ causes parents to feel changed.
confused about whether a new
When fight/flight/freeze takes over and When parents become aware of a bigger.
method is working or not. broader perspective, they’re become more
yelling continues, a child retreats inward to
protect themselves from the intensity of your TDZ occurs as parents are refining interested in maintaining a connected long-
yelling. term relationship with their kids. In
a new method and making it their
addition, that shift in perspective naturally
In other words, your child stops listening to own. leads to choosing calmer, more mindful
you until you’re calmer and (s)he feels safe ways to correct behavior.
again. TDZ happens when kids begin to
realize that this is my family’s new Solution: Pay attention to your inner mental
Once you shift to a calmer method, like the normal. chatter, your beliefs as you attempt to stop
ones in this playbook, you’ll find that yelling. The thoughts that surface are the
even though you’re aware of the phase the TDZ is a signal that internal decisions your inner child made while you
Danger Zone represents, you’ll still be shifting/changing is occurring. It’s were growing up. Replace your old ideas
challenged by your habit of yelling. not a signal that the method has with your current understanding so you can
failed. reach the goal of not yelling.
You WILL be tempted to yell. Why?
Because your beliefs about who is in charge Remember, your child isn’t testing you to
TDZ happens to all parents
have not been resolved yet. challenge you. They are trying to learn how
but is seen by most parents as
Don’t be fooled by the fact that your child’s your family works and need to know if
irritating back-sliding you’re going to be consistent. The Danger
behavior feels like it’s worse than before. misbehavior, not as a needed
Your new understanding plus the methods in Zone can’t be stopped; all you can do is
the playbook will instantly reduce your
foundational adjustment in become aware that it happens, and continue
yelling because you understand what your is understanding for both parent the calmer methods. Once testing is
attempting to do. You just need to hang in and child. complete, your child will relax and accept
there until this short phase passes. the new way you’ve begun correcting them.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 7.
 The
Rope Drop
 the

“Power struggles are

Drop Unsettling. Disturbing. Harsh. Intense.
And they happen in every family.”

battle for control

Instead of punishing a child for engaging in a
Learning about power and control is a requirement in
power struggle, consider teaching your child
childhood. It’s a healthy need that requires practice to
how to disengage from one and all the anger by
understand. Since kids are kids, the best way to practice
replacing the arguing with the type of
and learn is through play.
Kids follow your modeling. They decide, “Since my all-
knowing parents resolve things by using power
“
It sounds
communication that respects a parents’ authority.
The best way to do that is also the key to unlocking
counterintuitive, power struggles; allow kids to have some control
struggles, then power struggles must be the way to but
resolve things.” over their lives and choices.
the truth is The idea is to give away some power to gain the
When a parent sees a power struggle as a power struggles authority you seek.4
battle for ultimate control, they proceed as if create learning. I know it sounds counterintuitive, so let me explain.
they have to win, no matter what the cost is. When you eliminate your child’s ability to make
Power struggles are not fair. The pushback that occurs choices so they create better behavior, the situation
between parent and child is not on equal footing. tends to turn into a power struggle causing you both
to argue and fight like gladiators. As a result, neither
An adult uses mature thinking as (s)he goes head- of you wins or achieves any of your goals.
to-head with a child.
The truth is, resolving a power struggle can only
However, a child who only has access to age- truly occur when both parent and child are on the
appropriate immature thinking, and can’t same side.
articulate their feelings or emotions nearly as
well.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 9.

 the
what a power struggle feels like
cont.
The Oxford dictionary defines a power struggle as,
Drop “a situation in which two or more people or groups compete for
control in a particular sphere.”

To fully understand a power struggle, you first need to This emotional tug of war continues back and forth until
objectively experience one from both sides. both of you are yelling; each of you determined to make
your point so one of you can win.
Exercise:
Imagine that you and your child are standing at opposite As already stated, on some level, most parents believe that
ends of a room—each of you are holding one end of a rope they should win every battle.
that’s stretched between you.
If you embrace and act on those beliefs, you’re teaching
your child that winning is always the goal, no matter the
cost. And, I don’t think you want to teach that lesson.
Yelling and arguing teach kids that dominating people,
aka yelling and engaging in power struggles are how
Imagine a situation where your child digs her heels in and insists adults resolve issues when emotions are involved.
things go her way. Children attempt to use what they perceive their parents
As she yells and makes her demands, she unconsciously pulls the use as power. So if you dominate them—they’ll try and
imaginary rope toward her. dominate you.
That action releases an imaginary tidal wave of anger that travels Solution: Give away some power by allowing kids to
along the rope until it reaches you covering you in her imaginary choose within the rules you’ve set for the situation. Doing
angry emotions at the other end. this actually reduces power struggles, doesn’t increase
You instantly and unconsciously react by pulling the rope hard toward them. (ex. on next pg.)
your side, which sends your angry emotional reaction down the Key: Frame things so your child feels empowered, which
imaginary rope towards your child. creates cooperation as you require them to do as asked.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 10.

 the
what to say
a. Since the goal is to get your child to listen and cooperate, then the best
cont.
way to create listening—is to listen.
Drop Begin by connecting first. Announce what you see without trying to
change it. For example, “I see how upset you are, I would be too.”
what to do Example conversation next.
The only way to stop a power struggle is for one Doing this tells your child that what he’s feeling is important. This
person involved in the struggle to disengage. The action fills his need to be heard and causes him to begin listening to
following requires you to return to using your you instead of arguing.
imagination.
Example: “I know you want to play at Tim’s house; who wouldn’t
want to do that? It’s so fun! There must be a way for you to get
Situation: Imagine your child wants to go to Tim’s
chores done AND have time to play with Tim. Any ideas?”
house, but he hasn’t done his chores yet.
Reframing, without compromising the rule, plus acknowledging
You say, “no!” and then he gets angry. He pulls on your child’s needs and feelings first, is what stops the need to
the imaginary rope sending his anger toward you as argue with you and allows your child to begin working with you
he uses his angry words and angry footsteps to try to solve the problem.
and persuade you to let him go.
b. Disengaging from a power struggle involves reframing and rephrasing
Instead of taking the bait and saying, “Don’t you
your words, so you allow what’s called freedom within limits.
dare talk to me…” then pulling hard on the rope,
consider dropped your end of the imaginary rope; Give children the power they seek by allowing them to decide things
your end of the argument, at least for the moment. like how to do this, when to do it (if you agree), how many to choose,
Imagine the look of surprise on your child’s face who will help, how fast or slow, this one or that one.2
when you drop the rope? Make sure to give them two choices and two choices only.4
Make sure a child understands not doing as asked is not a choice.
This action sends the message,
“I will not fight with you. We Key: Make sure both choices you offer are okay with you.
need to work together so we Make sure you genuinely don’t care which choice your
can both get what we want and child makes.4 Being able to choose a part of a correction
need.” is how a child experiences the power they seek so they risk
doing what they don’t want to do.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 11.
 the Instead of: “Get those muddy shoes off my rug!”
cont. Try: “I see dirty shoes; what should you do?”
Drop Stop talking and let her think. You’ll see her thinking process in
action as she figures out what it is she is supposed to do.
details & examples
• When offering a choice, make sure your words and tone of voice All parents want kids to think about what they do. To achieve
express your authority, not your anger. that frame your choice in a way that causes your child to think
things through.
• Frame your words in a clear and empathetic manner, leaving no
room for negotiating. Instead of: “Do your homework now, or else!”

• Refrain from using a threatening or punitive undertone to Try: “What’s your plan for getting your homework
highlight your disappointment. done, and what’s your timeframe?
• Announce two choices, and two choices only, both that weave in What happens if you don’t do as agreed to?”
the rule or boundary you’re correcting.
• Doing so empowers your child to choose the correct choice Kids cooperate when talked to respectfully. Try using one word to
and gives them very little to rebel against. empower them to think, versus telling them what to do to the
correct behavior.
Instead of: “Clean it up now, or get a timeout.”
Instead of: “Wash your filthy hands before you come
Try: “Would you like to clean up fast or slow, you to the table.”
decide.”
Try: “Hands.”

Key: Allowing a child to decide which option to choose as he Instead of: “What do you think you’re doing?
complies with a correction sends a strong message that you The sink is not the dishwasher! Put those
believe in his/her ability to think, figure out, and complete this
task.
where they belong.”
Try: “Dishes.”

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 12.

 the
Buffer Zone™ IDEA: When I think of anger, I think of fire and fireworks.
When I think of being calm, I think of a fast-moving river.
Use whatever imagery works best for you and your family.

One: Describe how anger feels.

Have you ever gone from calm to furious in 1.2 seconds? We all Anger is the only emotion that doesn’t exist
have. You know anger isn’t healthy for you or your child, so you do independently; there are always other feelings that
some deep breathing to calm down. have been ignored. Scared, frustrated, sad, jealous,
etc., are some of the emotions that most don’t
Imagine if your child automatically understood enough about her
associate as a precursor to anger. A photo of
feelings and how to calm down so she could do it herself ?
embers flying out of a blaze can help children
The Buffer Zone teaches kids about the different levels of anger and understand how unresolved anger stays buried yet
how to get calm again in a child’s language, so they can see that it’s active, even when you say, “I’m mad.”
possible. For example most kids think that if their beloved parent
acts angry in a situation, then anger is how you handle experiences
like that. Two: Describe what being flooded w/anger feels like.
The Buffer Zone explains how mad grows inside of you, what it Anger takes over your mind, words, and
feels like when mad becomes anger, how anger takes over your actions. A photo of fireworks explains
body and words, and what to do to get calm. how full-blown anger erupts at different
intensities depending on the interactions
The Buffer Zone suggests visuals to remind a child of what’s going between you.
on inside them when they're flooded with big emotions.
Three: Where is your focus?
The Buffer Zone shares six breathing games showing kids what to What are you paying attention to when you’re
imagine so they can calm down. This is done at the “kindergarten angry? Your heartbeat? Dry mouth? Confusion?
level” so it can be remembered even when kids are upset or mad. Tight tummy? The yelling? Does your breathing
become shallow and/or rapid?
The Buffer Zone creates muscle memory which is, “the ability to Does your tummy feel tight or shaky?
reproduce a particular movement or activity [action or instructions] Do you feel like crying or yelling?
without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent Or, are you rehearsing what you will say
repetition of that movement.” 5 next? cont.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 14.

 the
Buffer Zone™
Key: Being emotional is all-consuming for kids and
blocks their ability to think clearly. It’s almost impossible
"EVMUTLOPXUIBUTUPQQJOHUPUBLFBEFFQ to teach a child a new technique when (s)he is flooded
CSFBUIDSFBUFTDBMNOFTT with emotion, so practice all of the following games
CVULJETIBWFUPCFUBVHIU when your child is calm. Then, when it’s been
committed to muscle memory, (s)he will be able to use
these games to calm down when (s)he’s emotional.

(cont.) Three: Where is your focus?

breathing game #1
Before a child gets upset again, have them choose A poem-like game for 2-5 yr. olds. 6
an image to focus on when upset. Choosing a calm
image to focus on is the key and will help him
change his neurochemistry. The issue/situation will Parent: “Your favorite flower is?”
still be there in a minute or two when you’re both Child: “A rose.”
calmer.
Parent: “To smell it, you have to?”
Four: Breathing Games Show your child how to inhale deeply in through the nose.
Insisting that a child does some deep breathing when their
Child: Inhales loudly and deeply.
upset is usually met with some resistance. Kids don’t have
enough experience to know that deep belly breathing really Parent: “Keep your breath in as long as you can, then
works. let it out in one big ...”
The best way to get kids to do anything is to make it fun. Show your child how to release breath by slowly “blowing”
The following are six age-appropriate game-like ways to do or by making a hissing sound out of their mouth.
deep belly breathing. Child: Blows out the deep breath.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 15.

 the
Buffer Zone™
breathing game #4
guided imagery
ages 5-8 9
breathing game #2
singing into calmness
ages 3-5 8

A sweet song teaching kids about belly breathing.

Parent: “What do you love to blow up?”
Sung by Common and Colby Caillat. Child: “A balloon.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mZbzDOpylA
Parent: “How do you begin?”
(Show the child how to take a deep inhale in through
the nose.)
breathing game #3
tracing the hand Child: Takes dramatic deep inhale.
ages 3-5 7 Parent: “Pretend to blow up a balloon by blowing all
the air out of your mouth.”
(Show the child how to release the breath by “blowing”
Directions: it out of their mouth.)
Have your child place a flat hand palm side down on a
Child: Pretends to blow up a balloon by releasing the
table.
inhale into an imaginary balloon.
Have her use the opposite index finger to trace up and
down all the fingers of the flat hand.
Have her inhale as she traces up one side of each finger
and have her exhale as she traces down the other side.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 16.

 the cont.
Buffer Zone
breathing game #6
guided imagery
ages 5-8 9
breathing game #5
exercise & meditation
ages 7-18

Ask your child to imagine the moving steps that take you up to the
next level on an escalator. For example, ask her to imagine going up
one side, then turning around at the top and immediately coming
Practicing mindful meditation is an excellent thing for a child down the other side.
to learn. Ask her to place her hands on her belly and inhale to a count of 5
However, sometimes sitting and quietly meditating requires as she imagines stepping on the up escalator and riding it to the top
more self-control than an emotional child can produce. floor, and then getting off.
To achieve the same relaxation that a mindful meditation Tell her to keep her hands on her belly and begin exhaling to the
provides, try having your child switch to exercising instead. count of 5 as she imagines stepping on the down escalator and letting
the air out slowly as she rides down the escalator.
Ask your child to run a lap, run up the hill, ride a bike, jump
rope, shoot baskets, play hopscotch, or punch a pillow for a Practice this deep breathing and imagery as often as possible.
few minutes before revisiting whatever caused the child to be Committing this to muscle memory teaches her that you can do
upset. Any type of exercise works as long as there is no tech deep breathing at home, in school, or anywhere she needs to
involved. breathe, so get calm and prepare herself to begin listening again.

Exercise automatically creates deep breathing and releases

the endorphins that create calmness.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 17.

 l*HOPSFIJNBMMIFXBOUTJTZPVSBUUFOUJPOz
Parent Pie ™
I know this is hard to believe so, try this experiment
and watch how it plays out.
Next time your husband/wife/partner corrects,
There's a reason why a child’s behavior might be seen as a plea yells, or punishes your child, look at the situation
for attention—because it is. However, not in the way you think. through your child’s eyes.
Your child has a misunderstanding based on immature reasoning and the You’ll see that dad stops what he’s doing, turns his
way you’ve previously corrected behavior. head, looks at, and begins focusing on jr. only.
Think of it this way. All parents want to correct behavior in a connected That’s a lot of concentrated attention = Parent Pie.
yet firm manner, and that’s a great choice. However, the amount of positive What’s wrong with that, you ask?
messaging and energy you’re using to achieve that goal is misunderstood by The problem is the decision a child makes.
your child’s immature mind.
All kids unconsciously gravitate toward and repeat
Think about the warm fuzzy feelings you have when you give your child things that cause their parents to give them
a loving hug. focused attention.
Think about how the connected, nurturing, and loving energy that flows If, as a child grows, she maintains the idea that
back and forth between you. doing something wrong is a great way to get
Think of your parental energy as a delicious emotional slice of pie that attention, then (s)he will unconsciously continue
your child loves and craves—I call it Parent Pie; it’s that yummy and to gravitate towards misbehavior, etc., to fulfill
that powerful. the need for that type of attention.
However, due to age-appropriate immature reasoning, a child mistakenly And if there’s yelling, she’ll decide that yelling is
decides that any negative energy flowing between you, as (s)he’s corrected, is simply the price you pay to get focused attention.
also a form of attention, it’s just a smaller slice of Parent Pie.
This belief doesn’t usually alarm parents until it
The truth is, kids unconsciously gravitate toward parental attention, begins inspiring kids to go along with the wacky
regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. That’s Parent Pie. things peers suggest.
So, how can you change this dynamic?

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 19.

 example for good behavior
Parent Pie l*HOPSFIJNBMMIFXBOUT
When you see positive behavior, stop and move toward your child.
JTZPVSBUUFOUJPOz
cont.
Then, slowly begin rubbing his/her back as you acknowledge the
steps he took to create good behavior.

how to change this? Touching his back has the uncanny ability to reach deep into his
psyche and make him feel loved and heard. Doing this shows your
To change the dynamic created in Parent Pie, you’ll need to shift child what you respond too, and how to gain more attention for
the amount of attention and how you give that attention when behaving than from not behaving.
correcting behavior.
This method is not an instant solution. It takes several repetitions
Instead of your child gobbling up the energy you emit when you to prove to your child that you applaud good behavior and are
yell because they see it as another form of attention, change supportive as you correct misbehavior.
where you place your attention.
Be generous with your attention when you see good behavior. example for misbehavior
And reduce your attention, while still correcting behavior, when
you see misbehavior.
When your child misbehaves, use no yelling or physical action and
Begin by reviewing any beliefs you have about a child attempting say as few words as possible.
to get attention. For example, do you believe that kids who do
things for attention should be ignored? Example:Mom sees her son tip-toeing out of the kitchen with
a popsicle in his hand.
Stopping a bid for attention without teaching a child a
better way to ask for your attention won’t change things. “What do you think you’re doing? Did I give
INSTEAD OF SAYING,
you permission for that? Put it down now and get to
Kids require focused attention to create and sustain emotional timeout!!”
well-being.
Kids benefit from the use of specific praise instead of global “Freeze. Stop eating. Hand me the popsicle. Thank
TRY SAYING,

praise too. Specific praise includes reminding your child of the you for listening.”
steps (s)he took to achieve their goal, so they can remember and
When you use one or two words and repeat this style often, nothing
repeat those steps next time. That’s a learning moment!
further needs to be done.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 20.

s
 l8IFOZPV‘SFUSZJOHUPDIBOHFTPNFPOF‘TCFIBWJPS
the
*U‘TBMXBZTCFTUUPQSPGFTTGBJUIJOIJTDPNQFUFODF
UIBOUSBTIIJTJODPNQFUFODFz%S1IJM
Timeouts
The following are three time-tested, proven, updated versions
of a timeout with a modern twist. They all incorporate teaching,
so a child is empowered to figure out how to control him or her
As a child, do you remember what it felt like when you saw self while you stand beside them being empathetic, supportive,
frustration and disappointment on your parents’ faces after and firm.
misbehaving?
You were filled with shame and devastated by those looks. get-Ready ™ ages 2-3
Unfortunately, timeout feels the same way to today’s kids. uses a predictable sequence of words and actions, as you
remain physically connected to show a child what is and isn’t
Kids get defeated when something happens, and they tend
acceptable, what to do instead, and they don’t need to be
to shut down as they’re sent to timeout.
afraid. This method uses child-time, the age-appropriate
Webster’s defines punishment as “suffering, amount of time an emotional child can genuinely pay
attention.
pain, or a loss that serves as retribution.”
These days, the way most parents use timeout fits that definition. The Remembering Spot ™ ages 5-7
builds on get-Ready by inspiring a child to stop and remember
Timeout asks an upset child to sit alone to get what they’re supposed to do instead of what they did.
themselves under control, so they can figure out It asks them to calm down and “get ready” before
what they did wrong, all by themselves. they do as they’ve been asked to do.

The problem with timeout is upset children are being flooded by The Learning Consequence ™ ages 8- up
their emotions and can’t think about what they did wrong. So, most
kids will say whatever they think you want to hear to get out of a uses a six-step process to review feelings and situation(s)
timeout. That's not a true learning moment. that led to the misbehavior or mistake as you empathetically
support them while they experience the learning and
resolutions that need to take place.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 22.

get
Ready
 ages 2-4
get
Ready ™
What get-Ready does
get-Ready aligns with the way a child
Example:
What is this? age-appropriately learns at 2-3.
Your child grabs a toy from a friend.
get-Ready has a child sit on a parent’s
lap so (s)he feels connected as (s)he Instead of being horrified, you
Children ages 2-4 are still learning language remember children at this age think,
and depend on their parents for clues about life learns.
and their environment. Unfortunately, that get-Ready uses the same words each “If I touched it— it’s mine.
dependency creates a parental belief that it’s a time, so a child who is still learning If I breathed on it— it’s mine.”
parents’ job to stop any and all misbehavior.
language can understand what’s You’re not surprised your child
That belief prevents a child from truly learning happening even when they’re grabbed the toy, but you’re not sure
and causes a parent to decide that shouting emotional and need to be corrected. what to do now.
“no” or smacking a hand/diaper is the best way
get-Ready is a loving way to modify “You grabbed Pam’s toy,
TRY SAYING,
to teach a young child. please wait for your turn.”
behavior. It shows a child you
However, doing that creates a dilemma for a understand that they can’t control Silently count to 5 to see if she stops.
child. The child can’t decide if they should fear themselves, but you can’t let them do
or trust their parent. Unfortunately, fear usually If she doesn’t stop, say:
wins. what they’re doing, so you’ll be
helping them control themselves. “Uh, Oh…you grab-you-sit.”
When parents realize their child is afraid of
them, they search for an alternative method get-Ready reduces the length of time the Uh Oh, is a term used by the Academy
and usually end up with timeout. child sits, so you have their full of Pediatrics and the Audiology
attention, even when they’re Association; it was made famous by
However, timeout doesn’t factor in a child’s Love and Logic.
need for repetition and connection, but get- emotional.
Ready does. The way you say Uh Oh is key. When
get-Ready can be done anywhere, in
said correctly, it always gains a child’s
public, in the car, on a curb, on a full attention. cont.
bench, at home—anywhere.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 24.
 ages 2-4
get
Ready how long to sit cont.
cont. the physical action cont.
• Children don’t like having to sit.
When you see your child briefly stop due to This method prevents overwhelming fear
hearing the words, Uh, Oh, quickly move from because your arms are around your child.
how to say it where you are in the room to where the child is.
• You’re the expert on your child.
The thing that makes Uh, Oh different is Find a chair or sit on the floor and immediately You decide how long they sit. For
how you say it. place your child, facing outward, on your lap. sensitive kids: count out loud for 1-5
Most likely, you’ll need to gently bend them at seconds. For spirited or strong-willed kids:
As you say “Uh,” elongate the syllable and count out loud for 1-10 seconds.
have your voice go up an octave. the waist since they will be startled and upset
that you’ve stopped them. Then, as you’re You decide what’s suitable for your child.
Wait for one beat. placing your child on your lap, say: Uh, Oh… • Do-Over
As you say, “Oh,” elongate the syllable time to sit. After counting, stand them up and say,
again and have your voice go down a beat. Quickly and lovingly, wrap your arms “Let’s do this again.” Some kids will go
around her arms to stop any flailing and to limp or look unfazed; that’s okay, simply
Saying Uh, Oh using the up-down, wrap your hands around their hands and
sing-song style is what takes the place of keep her from getting up.
gently, and quickly, show them the
needing to always say “no.” When said Warning #1: correct way. This is how they learn about
correctly, it causes your child to stop and Kids don’t like having to sit and their behavior.
pay attention to what comes next.
will either cry or try and wiggle away.
• The Learning Moment
the physical action Make sure to pull your head back or turn it to one Kiss her say: “Please show me how you
side so you don’t get hit in the face by her head. wait your turn and where you’re supposed
Once you get a child’s to put your gentle, open hands while you
attention by saying Uh how long to sit wait?” (In pockets.)
Oh, you only have a
• 5-10 seconds Don’t be surprised if she stands up and
small window of
shakes her head or yells NO! * She isn’t
opportunity to make This method is meant to be very short, so it refusing; she’s showing you that she now
this work, about 3-5 works within the actual attention span a knows that her behavior was a NO!
seconds. 2-3 yr.-old child has when emotional.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 25.

 ages 2-3
get
Ready cont.

no cooperation
If the child repeats the behavior or tries
how long to sit cont. to test your resolve, repeat the Uh, Oh…
time to sit again. Children learn by
If you automatically or repetition.
accidentally say, NO! first, that’s
fine, add, Uh, Oh…time to sit after Some children may need to do get-Ready
the NO! only once. On the other hand, some
children may need to repeat the entire
process 3-10 times before doing what
you want them to do instead.

Warning #2: When this no longer works

If you use get-Ready to correct Warning #3:
every drop of behavior, there’s a There will come a time
good chance your child will, when development advances past the point
due to immature thinking, where this method will work for your child.
misinterpret the process and When that happens, move on to the
create more misbehavior. Remembering Spot. Details on the next page.
Why? See Parent Pie pg. 18

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 26.

Remembering
ages 5-9

Spot
 Remembering
™ #1: define calm
ages 5-9 Spot where to sit cont. Define for your child what the word calm
means. Then, explain that from now on, if
When a child refuses to cooperate, need be, we’ll be doing a calming game to get
listen, or do as asked, (s)he will be asked calmer so you can do as asked to do.
The Remembering Spot ™ or R-spot ™ is an to have a seat on the R-spot to remember Before saying, “Looks like you need some time
updated responsive method that’s similar to what it takes for them to get ready to do as on the R-spot to get ready.” use any breathing
timeout. The goal is to correct behavior by asked. Letting them choose what it takes game listed here or one of your own to teach
reminding kids they need to do as they to control themselves and get ready is kids how to calm down by themselves.
were asked while also allowing them to what empowers a child.
make the critical decision about when
they’re ready to do as asked. This not only how long to sit #2: breathing in calm 11

empowers a child but it also teaches them Timeout uses 1 minute per yr. of a Have your child pick a color she feels
how to create self-control. child’s age. The R-spot does not require a represents calming to her. Then have her
child to sit for a specific length of time. choose a color that represents anger, anxiety,
The R-spot ™ builds on the skills learned in or stress.
get-Ready, though it’s not necessary to have The R-spot shows a child that you have
used get-Ready beforehand. faith in them, or you wouldn’t have
Directions: Imagine
invited them to determine when they’re • Imagine the air around you is the
ready to do as asked. This is a beginning relaxing color you’ve chosen.
skill for creating self-control.
where to sit Remembering
Spot is
• Imagine breathing in the relaxing color
If a child says “I'm ready,” then refuses and see it filling up your lungs.
Timeout sends not something to do as asked, simply say, “It looks like
a child to a specific to sit on.
you need more time on the R-spot to get • Imagine exhaling the angry color as it
location. ready.” Then, repeat the process. leaves your lungs.
The R-Spot can be done at home, in the This method teaches kids that there’s no • Imagine the angry & relaxing color
car, on a side-walk, or in the woods; it anger and that the boundary is mixing until all the anger has been
doesn’t matter where this occurs. unmovable. They learn that they need to absorbed by relaxing.
Anywhere a child can sit on their do whatever they have to, to get ready to
bottom will work. do as asked to do. • Continue until you feel calmer.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 28.

 * Make sure to use whatever exercise
Remembering
cont.
your child enjoys doing.
ages 5-9 Spot

#4: hissing breathing #6: breathing to calm hysteria

Have your child Have your child
• close his eyes. • practice this calmly many times before
shark fin
#3: • take a deep inhale through in the nose. requiring her to use it.
breathing • make a hissing noise as he exhales as • take three quick short inhale breaths.
if he’s letting off steam. The short breaths capture and slow
down the hyperventilating that comes
with hysterical breathing.
Have your child • release her breath using one long exhale.
• place the side of his hand on his This allows her to feel the connection
forehead, so his thumb is touching his between her emotions and the way her
forehead and the palm of his hand is body feels.
facing out to the side. #5: bubble breathing
• have him close his eyes.
• have him make a “shhh” sound as he Have your child The other breathing games on pg. 14-17.
slides his hand down his forehead, • pick a special jar for bubbles that can only
down his nose, all the way down his be used for calming games.
face until his thumb reaches his chin.
• repeat this five times. • have her inhale deeply, then exhale
into the bubble wand. The bubbles
physically show her how deep her
exhale needs to be to work.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 29.

 Remembering
cont.

ages 5-9 Spot

When Mom says, “Take a seat on the R-Spot,” she isn’t referring
to a specific place to sit. Instead, mom refers to sitting down on
his bottom in a chair, on the floor, or on the grass until he
pulling it all together example remembers that we follow the rules and honor our agreements in
our house.
Mom: “Time for homework.” Or chores, or whatever.
The Remembering Spot achieves several goals.
Child: “NO! It’s not! I’m not doing it!” • Parents remain calm, connected, loving, silent and firm at
Mom: “Sounds like you’re not willing to go along with the the same time.
homework rule. I get that it’s no fun, but it’s what • After several repetitions, a child becomes familiar with
we agreed to. Please move to the work desk and how to calm down all by themselves.
begin your homework.”
• A child repeatedly practices self-control which creates
Child: “NO! I don’t care if I agreed! I’m not doing it!” muscle memory.
Mom: “Looks like you need to take a seat on the • There is less arguing and fighting because your child
Remembering Spot and get ready to do as you agreed to. remains connected by sitting beside or near you.
I will sit beside you, without talking, until you’re • The R-Spot achieves the goal of minimizing reactions
ready. Let me know when you’re ready and you can and that reduces emotional exhaustion.
get up to begin homework.”
Warning: All children have different temperaments and timing.
One of my kids would walk down the hall while doing some deep
breathing, turn around, and come right back to do asked.
My other child liked to sit across the room from me so he could
have what he considered the privacy he needed to get ready.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 30.

 Remembering
cont.

ages 5-9 Spot

Dad: “Sweetie, do you need some time
on the Remembering Spot to get ready
to go to Sunday school?”
Child: (shocked)“Oh, no, the R-Spot works
a real-life story here too?”
Dad: “Yup, the R-Spot works anywhere
A family with one child had been using the you can sit on your bottom. Do
Remembering Spot with great success at home.
you need a remembering moment
One Sunday, on the way to church, the little on the curb to get ready to go in?”
girl, age 7 began complaining that she didn’t
Child: (thinks for a moment) “No, I’m ready.”
want to go to Sunday school.
Then she began whining. Dad asked her if
there was a reason she didn’t want to go, and
This family’s achieved success because the
she said “no.”
child knew that,
The complaining continued. Dad decided to
continue letting her express her feelings hoping • I’m the one who is causing me to sit
that expressing herself would cause her to stop The lessons learned from using here. I can get up as soon as I’m
complaining. the R-Spot” will help your child ready.
create more self-control so they’ll
However, as they drove into the parking lot of understand and be ready for the • I’m not alone. Mom and Dad love
the church, the whining turned into crying added steps in the older version me, and always remain near me as
and got louder. called Learning Consequences. they correct me.
• there’s always the opportunity to try
again. (Tool #10)
• I don’t like it, but I am learning how to
cooperate even though I’m upset.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 31.
 ages 9-18

Learning consequence
 the cont. the steps
consequence A Learning Consequence is a 6-step method.
ages 9-18 The 6 steps are intuitive and very easy to remember
because they make logical sense.
The steps are: 1. restating the situation
2. experiencing another
what’s a “Learning Consequence?” person’s point of view
3. discussing expectations
We’ve all said, “Do you want a consequence?” with a tone and rules
of voice that conveys either you do as I say or you’re in big
4. the resolution
trouble!
5. the apology
Very few kids ever say,“Yes, that’s a fine idea!” Instead, they
6. re-connecting
usually scream, NO!
Those words are a threat disguised as a question.
It doesn’t teach a child; it begins an argument.
The Learning Consequences I'm sharing requires a child to
participate as you both look at the situation from all sides, our story
so there’s no misunderstanding about what happened. Beth is 10; Kelly is 8.
A learning consequence asks why this happened and what Kelly is home sick, and
needs to occur as a result.
Beth is at school.
This process begins creating self-discipline, independence,
personal responsibility and shows kids how and why they Kelly snuck into Beth’s
need to maintain boundaries. room and took her earbuds
and iPhone so she could listen to music. She hid in the
bathroom to listen to the music and accidentally dropped
an earbud in the toilet.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 33.

 the cont.
consequence
ages 9-18 the steps: the conversation begins
Mom: “Sweetie, I see you’re scared, and yes, I am
mad. Let’s both take some deep breaths so I can
think and so you can calm down and hear me. Let
me know when you’re calm enough to answer some
responding, not reacting questions. I’ll stand right here beside you, and we’ll
There are lots of lessons embedded in this mistake. Mom decides both take some deep breaths.”
to take her time to think about how she wants to address each ** Notice, the Kindergarten level language.
portion of this mistake so she doesn’t rush in reacting, yelling,
and punishing. This method works because:

Mom also knows she has to be honest about her feelings, or Kelly • Mom truthfully expressed her feelings.
won’t learn. So mom decides to focus on the following four points. Sharing her truth meant she wouldn’t
get triggered into expressing her feelings
Lesson #1: Kelly stole something that didn’t belong to by yelling as the conversation progressed.
her. • Mom knows kids are experiential learners.
She lets Kelly experience being upset
Lesson #2: She broke the rule of going into her sister’s while supporting her, so she always
room when she wasn’t home. remembers that she never wants to feel
the fear associated with being caught
Lesson #3: Kelly lied. She said she was in her room, stealing, lying or hiding again.
but she was hiding in the bathroom.
• Mom is empathetic and acknowledges
Lesson #4: She broke a family rule when she used Kelly’s feelings by saying, “I see that
something that costs more than she can you’re scared” and then continues asking
afford to replace. questions.
The questions are detailed on the next pg.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 34.

 the cont.
consequence Mom: “That’s called envy. Feelings like that can
ages 9-18
make you do things you’re not supposed to
do. How do you feel now that you’ve been
caught?”
step #1 restate the situation
Kelly: “Scared, and very, very sorry.”
Mom: “Please tell me what happened, what you were feeling
before you took the earbuds and iPhone, and what you’re Mom: “That’s called regret. Thanks for being honest
feeling now. I know you’re upset. Take your time. I want about how you feel. Let’s keep talking.”
to see things the way that you did so that I can understand.” Kelly may fully understand emotions and adults-size
Kelly uses immature thinking, which is all she has access to at words when she’s calm, but she doesn’t fully comprehend
her age. She’s afraid her answers will get her in more trouble, so them when she’s upset. Still, it’s helpful to insert the
she provides vague or belligerent answers thinking that will words into the conversation when she’s emotional so she
protect her from being in more trouble. can see the connection between how the feelings
motivated her impulsive decisions, what her body feels
Ignore behavior, attitude, or belligerent words for the moment. like now that she’s been caught, and the choices she
Attitude or belligerence will stop as soon as she trusts that telling made. Just don’t rely on full comprehension when
the truth won’t get her in more trouble. After asking a question, emotions are present.
Mom becomes silent because silence motivates thinking.
Once Kelly explained why she did what she did, Mom realized step #2 another’s point of view
Kelly was missing an important life skill; she doesn’t know that
feelings can motivate behavior. Figuring out that part of the Mom: “How do you imagine your sister is going to feel
puzzle helps Mom understand what to address next. about the fact that you went into her room
Mom: “I know how much you want your own when she wasn’t here?”
earbuds and iPhone, that’s called jealousy.” Using the word imagine feels like a safer word choice, a less
Kelly: “Yeah,I’m mad that she gets to have charged word for kids to use when exploring how another
person will react to what you have done.
something cool that I don’t get to have.”

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 35.

 Mom: “Get some paper, and
the cont. write what you could
consequence have done, instead
ages 9-18 of what you did?”
Kelly: “I could have waited till
Beth got home. I could have asked you.”
Laughing, Kelly says, “Or I could have listened in my
step #3 expectations & rules room away from the toilet.”
Mom asks Kelly to tell her (restate) the family rules. Mom: “How do you think each of those ideas would have
worked out?”
Mom: “Please tell me what our family rule is about
things like this?” Incorporating some humor reminds Kelly that she’s loved.
And having her think about how each idea would have
Kelly: “Do not go into someone’s room when they worked out uses executive functioning skills.
aren’t home, and don’t take or touch things
we don’t have the money to replace.” step #4 resolution
Mom knows her questions will produce answers that will Resolving is different than apologizing. Resolution is about fixing
remind Kelly of the family rules. Reiterating the family or repairing any emotional or property damage.
rules will also help Kelly accept the fact that she’s
accountable for her actions. This story involves property plus emotional damage, so both must
be addressed.
Mom not only wants Kelly to remember the rules but she
also wants her to form the habit of thinking through Mom: “How will you pay to replace the earbuds?”
an idea before executing it. Practicing how to think before
Kelly: “I don’t have any money, and you know it!
acting helps Kelly learn how to manage impulsivity now,
and will help her resist peer pressure in the future. She’ll hate me!!” (Kelly begins to cry)
Mom asks Kelly to make a list of better ways she could Mom: “Do you need to take a few deep breaths? Or
have handled her feelings. All options are on the table do you need to sit on the R- Spot to get ready
from serious to silly. to continue?” The R-Spot can help here too.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 36.

 the cont.
consequence
ages 9-18 2. They create a chart so Kelly can track her progress.

3. They both sign a contract.

step #4 resolution cont.
step #5 apology
Mom knows Kelly doesn’t have any money, but she wants
Kelly to learn what it takes to repair things like this in the real Since Beth will be upset and angry when she finds out
world. Mom won’t rescue Kelly, and she believes Beth what Kelly has done, Mom knows an “I’m sorry” won’t be
shouldn’t have to wait for Kelly to earn enough money for her enough. Mom requires Kelly to do something extra for
to get the earbuds back. Mom has an idea. Beth, in addition to replacing the earbuds. The best tool
for this is #9, a Make-up.
Mom: “I have a suggestion, but I have to be honest, you're
not going to like it. Do you want to hear it?” However, if your child is ages 2-5, try a 4-part apology
Kelly: “Do I have a choice?” instead of a Make-up. 13

Mom: “I get frustrated when I hear an attitude, especially The Four-Part Apology Phrases:
when you created this problem, please try again.” I’m sorry for … It was wrong because …
Try Again is a magical phrase explained in tool #10. Next time I will … Do you forgive me for …
“I’m sorry. What’s your idea?”
Kelly:
step #6 re-connecting
Mom: “Since you don’t have the $30 to pay for this, I’m
willing to let you do extra chores for your sister, Has your child ever asked you if you were still mad at them?
Just like adults, kids need closure, too. Kids are so literal they
for me, and maybe grandma, until you get the need closure to be stated, not assumed.
amount needed to pay me back for purchasing
the earbuds.” Mom: “I need to hug you! This experience was difficult,
1. Mom and Kelly make a list of the chores she can do
and it will be hard to tell your sister and do extra chores.
and the virtual amount of money she’ll earn for each.
But, I see how much you’ve learned today. Any
questions? I love you and feel done. How about you?”
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 37.
U mbrella
R ules
 the
U m b re ll a Rules

Umbrella Rules are like a nav. bar using one word like
what’s that? kindness, fairness, safe, responsible, helpful, truthful,
Every family has different rules and values that they want listening, or cooperating to describe family rules. Below each
their children to learn. word on your chart you add situations that reflect those
global words.
Some families
For example; mean words What rule(s) do “mean words” fall
• post the rules in a public space. under in your home. Are they kind? Are the words truthful,
• create rules on the fly. and if not, what do you need to do to apologize? It’s
amazing how many rules and standards of behavior fit
• make rules, then forget about them until one is broken under one category.
• apply the same correction each time, whether it works or
Another good example is the word kindness.
not. It’s obvious to be kind to all living things like parents,
Dealing with rules in those ways can cause a child to ignore siblings, grandparents, bugs, and pets. But you also need to
be kind to the sofa, clothes, toys, plants, bikes, tables, chairs,
and never learn from them. Umbrella Rules ™ change all that.
etc. When that rule is broken, the chart should include what
Umbrella rules capture the essence of a rule by posting 1-2 happens to fix, apologize or make things right again.
very broad global words for each of the rules in your family.
Using a 1-word Umbrella Rule reduces the amount of Parent
Using a broad category allows an individual family to describe Pie, #4, a child gains by being reminded to follow the rules
the reason for their family rule, what happens when a rule has repeatedly. Reducing Parent Pie also minimizes the possibility
been broken and guides learning when unexpected situations of starting an argument.
pop up.
Another example is the word respectful. Respectful means not
which rules to use? hurting feelings, listening, respecting any property that
Imagine the phrases used on a nav. bar. Each phrase uses doesn’t belong to you, no kicking, put-downs, or name-
one to two words to describe the topic detailed in that section. calling. It means doing nice things and being helpful to
others, just because they need it.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 39.
 the cont. helpful
U m b re ll a Rules cooperate
safe respect
listening
fair
kind

creating umbrella rules

real life situation Depending on the age of the children, either make a chart
Susie threw a rock and broke mom’s flower pot. that looks like an umbrella or a nav. bar, or a list.
Mom asks a series of questions, so Susie learns.
The chart might include:
Mom: “Was that safe?”
• 1 word that explains the rule.
Susie: “No.” (in our example, the main category was safe.)
Mom: “Was that being kind to my plants?” • examples of how this behavior affects others. (optional)
Susie: “No.” • examples of who else this rule applies to.
Mom: “Were you being respectful to my things?” • what happens when a rule is broken.
Susie: “No.”
Mom: “Were you being responsible with that rock?” Safe who who else happens
Susie: “No.” Mom, dad, sister,

Mom: “What happens when you do those things?”

Family brother, grandma,
grandad, dog.
teachers, community
animals make-up

Susie: “I have to clean up the damage I caused, House Sofa, pillows, lawn,
bugs, garden.
neighbors yard,
lawn, house, toys repair
and find a way to do something helpful
for you to say, I’m sorry.” Friend Don’t hit, don’t yell,
share.
play in safe locations
near adults. do a nice act
More ideas for creating genuine apologies can be listen, use gentle

found in method #9, a Make-up. Play friends, siblings,

pets, adults touches, be honest,
& communicate
lose turn

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 40.

 the cont.
U m b re ll a Rules
teaching not punishing
Having a child sit beside you, versus being forced to sit
across from you and look you in the eye as you talk, creates
less fear and resistance to whatever you’re saying.
As you can see, Umbrella Rules are not punitive; they
don’t punish—they teach kids how the subtle aspects of
family and life work, and what to do when you break a rule.
Having to answer Mom’s questions about which Umbrella
Rule was broken is difficult for kids.
The action of being required to do something physical, like
cleaning up the dirt and broken flower pot, gives Susie time
to genuinely reflect on her choice and the result. Umbrella
Rules take the place of punishing.
If Mom had sent Susie to timeout, she would have remained
angry and only focused on being sent to timeout. She could
have easily ignored the lesson and then gone back to playing.
As you can see, Umbrella Rules do not require a parent to
Most children retain more information and listen more remain distant and angry to drive a lesson home. You can
carefully when both parent & child are focused on another be loving and empathetic; you can even help clean up the
task as they talk. mess if that’s what your particular child needs.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 41.

 The

Make up
 the

creating a make-up
When we were kids, saying “I’m sorry” 1. Purchase a recipe box and some index cards.
was magical. Saying it made all the
mad and disappointment go away. 2. Write a family member’s name on each divider.
Have you ever heard a child say “I’m sorry” 3. Have a family meeting to explain that when feelings are
with a clipped or snarky voice? Maybe one hurt, someone is disrespectful, mean, or does something
that’s accompanied by an elongated sorreeeee? offensive, that your family will now be apologizing by using
a suggestion from the make-up box.
When parents hear an insincere or snarky apology, they
4. Have each family member write 10 suggestions, one idea per
recognize that their child hasn’t really learned anything.
index card stating something like a chore or fun activity that
A Make-Up isn’t a simple I’m sorry. It’s a way for a child someone can do that feels like an apology.
to show you that they’re truly sorry for something they
So little ones can participate, draw a picture of the apology
did, versus just blowing you off by saying sorreeeee!
on the back of each card.
A Make-Up asks a child to do something, anything,
Ideas for cards:
that will make life easier for the person they’ve offended.
Mean or disrespectful behavior: plz do the dishes.
As the child spends time doing the chore or helping
someone out, they begin reflecting on what they did Refusal to cooperate: help with yard work.
to create the problem they’re apologizing for. Or take out the garbage, do a chore for a sibling, spend time
This type of apology teaches personal responsibility and playing with a sibling, help grandma.
shows kids that there’s always a cost for offending/ How to apply is on the next page.
upsetting someone.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 43.

 the
cont.
Things to think about 1st
1st Ask yourself, what do I expect from my kids when
how to make it work there’s a need for an apology?
The parent is the one who decides when a child is required to I wanted my kids to acknowledge that what they said was hurtful,
do a make-up. unkind, and not necessary. I wanted them to say that as part of the
apology. I wasn’t foolish enough to think they’d never make that
The child goes to the section of the recipe box for the person mistake again. Instead, I wanted them to learn how to apologize
they’ve upset or offended and picks one of the chores or and repair the mistakes that everyone makes from time to time.
actions that person has stated will make an apology feel
genuine. Knowing my teaching goal, so that I could include it as part of the
apology, reduced my triggers, and inspired me to show them what
Giving a child the power to choose from a person’s selected a true apology feels like to give and receive.
suggestions helps minimize any possible power struggles and
refusal to cooperate. 2nd Ask yourself, what do I need when my kids act rude,
my family mean or disrespectful.
I needed some alone time to calm down and gain some
When my sons were going through the argument years, the perspective instead of flying off the handle!
t(w)een yrs., they’d unconsciously refuse to cooperate to see if
One of my make-up cards said: “If you participated in
the rules were the same as when they were younger, which is
disrespectful, mean, or rude behavior, please run a bath and
developmentally appropriate.
leave me alone for one hour, so we both calm down.”
Having an attitude was always my trigger. I’d yell or threaten to
take away a prized possession or an event, but that never When my kids offended their dad, they had to take out the
changed their behavior. garbage, mow the lawn, or weed. You catch my drift.
The choices I’ve mentioned are age-appropriate for older kids.
Then I learned how to express “I will not be spoken to that Remember, your child will be upset when implementing a
way” using words and a tone of voice that taught them instead make-up so keep the choices easy and uncomplicated so (s)he can
of punished them, and that’s when things really began to focus on how this situation occurred.
change.

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the

tryagain
the
 the
tryagain People learn and change,
from the inside out,
not the outside in.

Teaching from the outside-in creates resistance and arguing.

Teaching from the inside-out creates acceptance and change.
2 Powerful Words
This playbook has established that when most children are yelled at
When used correctly and followed by silence, the words or punished, they emotionally retreat inward to protect themselves
Try Again are the two most powerful words in parenting. from the intensity of your yelling or the pain of feeling disconnected
due to being punished.
Saying Try Again instantly creates the expectation of
change and inspires respect and cooperation. They don’t focus on the lesson. Yelling at your child is what’s
referred to as teaching from the outside-in.
Try Again does three things yelling and punishment do not
do. When you’re calm and firm at the same time and say Try Again, a
child has to focus on the lesson. They have to stop and think about
Saying Try Again: why you’re saying Try Again and change it. That’s teaching from the
1. respectfully tells a child to stop whatever they’re doing inside-out.
right now, and sends the silent message that stopping
is not negotiable. Saying Try Again
2. immediately causes a child to reset any disrespect, • calmly yet firmly, causes a child to look inward and
attitude, or misbehavior that is occurring and does it review what they said or did.
without yelling.
• and then becoming silent, sends the clear message that this
3. requires a child to stop and think about what (s)he was not a good choice, please make a new one.
should have said or done instead, and then do it.
• calmly and repeatedly causes a child to remember that
they shouldn’t do that again.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 46.

 the
tryagain tone of voice
• When women get upset, our voices tend to go up an octave,
making us sound shrill.
• That high pitch sound also tends to minimize a woman’s
authority.
important points Solution: Lower your voice an octave as you say Try Again.
So you can remain calm, and so your child truly learns, make sure
your words and tone of voice aren’t threatening or punitive as you how to say it
say Try Again.
Your calmness and clarity allow the message to get through that Solution: To express your firmness without yelling, insert a beat
Try Again means all activity stops until you change your tone of between try—add a beat—again.
voice or attitude. Slowing down the delivery of Try Again imparts your authority
Suppose you yell instead of calmly saying, “Try Again?” and shows a child that you mean business.
Simple say, “Looks like I need to Try Again.” That will help you
avoid having your child emotionally withdraw or return to lashing
out.
warning
Key: To show your child what Try Again really means, make sure to Be prepared for a serious bout of testing and some anger the
stop what you’re doing as you wait for them to stop and change first few times you say Try Again.
their tone of voice, attitude, or whatever they are doing.
If you become tempted to react when your child tests the new
Doing that sends the clear message that, “I mean business, and rule, see tool #1 the Danger Zone, to remind you why kids do this.
nothing happens until you Try Again.”
Things will settle down after a few days. Saying Try Again works
with kids of any age once they can age-appropriately understand
the concept.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 47.

 All Done!
Al l Don e!
The End!
T he End!
Thank You!
Than k You !

“When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a ‘mini me.’
but a spirit throbbing with its own signature.” Dr. Shefali TsaBury

Imagine a world where children understand that mistakes allow us to grow and learn.
Imagine a world where children understand they’re responsible for fixing the problems they create.
Imagine a world of empowered people who realize the actual cost of offending others.
This playbook has shared ways to address, respond, correct misbehavior, lack of respect, and attitudes.
When you acknowledge feelings as you correct behavior, both you and your child feel heard.
Feeling heard creates connection, and the need to feel connected is at the root of all behavior.
Parents from over 93 countries around the world are using these techniques with great success.
Did you like these methods? If so, I hope you’ll tell others about Proactive Parenting and join me on social media.

facebook.com/ProactiveparentingTips instagram.com/proactive.parenting/ linkedin.com/in/sharonproactiveparenting/ pinterest.com/ProactiveParenting/boards/

Happy Parenting.
.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 48.
 Biography
1. Gorkin, Mark, Govloop, (May 31, 2011), The Art of Letting Go: Freeing Up Grief, Defusing Power Struggles and
Inspiring Flow, Retrieved from https://www.govloop.com/community/blog/the-art-of-letting-go-freeing-up-grief
defusing power-struggles-and-inspiring-flow/

2. Behavioral Intervention and Solutions Retrieved from https://biasbehavioral.com, shared via neuronurturing.com

3. Shelby, Sharon, Sharon’s Blog, (August 16, 2012), Power Struggles…Are You a Boss or a Leader, end of paragraph 1,
Retrieved from https://www.sharonselby.com/parenting/power-struggles-are-you-a-boss-or-a-leader?v=4326ce96e26c

4. Fay, Jim, Love and Logic Solutions, (1998), Guidelines for Sharing Control Through Choices
Retrieved from https://www.loveandlogic.com/pdfs/sharingcontrol.pdf

5. Google, Retrieved from a search asking for the definition of muscle memory.

6. Fogelman, Dan, Universal Pictures and Bleeker Street, (March 20, 2015), Danny Collins, a movie
Retrieved from https://www.imbd.com/title/tt1772288/

7. Cassie, Teach Starter, The Chalkboard (August 29, 2017), 18 Amazing Mindfulness Activities for the Classroom, Tracing
Hand Retrieved from https://www.teachstarter.com/blog/classroom-mindfulness-activities-for-children/

8. Common and Colbie Caillat, Sesame Street, Belly Breathe (October 19, 2012), YouTube
Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mZbzDOpylA

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 49.

 Biography
9. Borba, Michele, Blog, Adapted from Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong
Minds, and Caring Hearts, (1999), Retrieved from http://micheleborba.com/6-ways-to-help-kids-handle-anger/

10. Fraga, Juli Blog, KQED Mindshift (September 26, 2016), How Mindfulness and StoryTelling Help Kids Heal and Learn
Retrieved from https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2016/09/26/how-mindfulness-and-storytelling-help-kids-heal-and-
learn/

11. Cassie, Teach Starter, The Chalkboard (August 29, 2017), 18 Amazing Mindfulness Activities for the Classroom, Color
Calming. Retrieved from https://www.teachstarter.com/blog/classroom-mindfulness-activities-for-children/

12. Cassie, Teach Starter, The Chalkboard (August 29, 2017), 18 Amazing Mindfulness Activities for the Classroom, Shark
Fin. Retrieved from https://www.teachstarter.com/blog/classroom-mindfulness-activities-for-children/

13. Joellen, (March 30, 2014), A Better Way to Say Sorry, From the series, How to Shape Children’s Behavior
Retrieved from http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/

14. Bragdon, Liz, (Jan. 30, 2012), 4 Breathing exercises for Kids empower, calm, and self-regulate. Retrieved from
https://move-with-me.com/self-regulation/4-breathing-exercises-for-kids-to-empower-calm-and-self-regulate/

15. Seigal, Dan, Dr., Jan. 30, 2012), Retrieved from https://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_yes_brain/and Retrieved
from https://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_whole_brain_child/.

.NET 10 No-Yelling Methods System 50.