INDEX

P.
Foreword...................................................................................................................................... 2
Recognitions................................................................................................................................ 6
Introduction: how it all started................................................................................................ 7 - 11
First part
THE SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY
1. Coping with codependency............................................................................................... 12 - 14
2. The five core symptoms of codependency......................................................................15 - 37
3. How symptoms sabotage our lives...................................................................................38 - 46
Second part
THE NATURE OF THE CHILD
4. A beautiful child in a functional family..............................................................................47- 54
5. A beautiful child in a dysfunctional family.......................................................................55 - 64
6. The emotional damage of abuse.......................................................................................65 - 76
7. From generation to generation..........................................................................................77 - 81
Third part
THE ROOTS OF CODEPENDENCY
8. How to deal with abuse...................................................................................................... 82 - 85
9. Defenses against recognition of abuse............................................................................86 - 94
10. physical abuse................................................................................................................. 95 - 101
11. sexual abuse................................................................................................................... 102 - 114
12. emotional abuse............................................................................................................. 115 - 119
13. Intellectual abuse............................................................................................................ 120 - 122
14. spiritual abuse................................................................................................................ 123 - 130
Fourth part
TOWARDS RECOVERY
15. Personal recovery........................................................................................................... 131 - 137
Appendix. A brief history of codependency
and a look at the psychological literature..........................................................................138 - 144
Bibliographic references........................................................................................................... 145

1
 FOREWORD
In certain men and women, normal human feelings Such as shame, fear, pain and
anger appear so magnified that these people are almost always in an emotional state marked
by anguish and the feeling of being irrational, dysfunctional and/or "crazy." They also think
that they must make those around them happy, and when they can't, it seems to them that in
some sense they are worth "less than" others.

These people tend to react excessively to events. everyday life, experiencing feelings
much more intense than appropriate. For example, when something alarming happens,
instead of normal fear, they experience panic attacks or anguish. These crises can also occur
without any justifying reason. When one of life's normal pains comes their way, they may
react with deep despair, a sense of helplessness, or even suicidal thoughts or behavior.
Faced with a situation that would ordinarily provoke some authentic and appropriate anger,
these individuals sometimes have volcanic outbursts of anger. In the course of these extreme
emotional experiences, they think, for example, “Why is he treating me this way? Don't you
know how painful it is for me? But they can't control the emotional explosion, and they
become frustrated.

These intense reactions are usually provoked by experience very undramatic things,
such as a disagreement with your spouse about which movie to see or where to spend the
holidays. tions. Desperation or anger can be triggered by the disappointment of not getting a
job after being interviewed, or by the fact that a good friend is moving to a new city, or by the
fact that the neighbor's dog has trampled the flowers in the garden. Any of these situations
can cause a reaction much more than moderate emotional ness, ranging from feeling
explosive tempers to bland meekness and a total lack of emotional expression. But all these
reactions apa Uncontrollable disorders sabotage life and relationships alike. tions of those
people.

There is now much documented evidence that the physical stress of living with
repressed or explosive feelings contributes to physical disorders such as high blood pressure,
heart disease, arthritis, headaches, cancer, and other illnesses. The emotional factor of
codependency can sabotage both our health and our relationships.

However, these men and women act as if, to calm the excessive, uncontrollable and
irrational feelings people who tyrannize them, the only recourse would be to be perfect in
everything they do or please those around them. They have the illusory idea that those bad
feelings (which sometimes result so overwhelming) can be stifled by “doing things better” or
getting approval from certain important people in their lives. With this attitude, they let their
own happiness depend on those important people and their approval . When those they try to
please "don't appreciate what is being done for them" and fail to provide essential approval,
emotionally tyrannized individuals become enraged. But since the good opinion of those who
must approve them is dema been important, that anger has to be repressed. And although it
is not displayed directly, it can emerge laterally, in sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes or
other passive-aggressive behaviors.

Often these men and women appear friendly and be vicial However, a closer
examination reveals in them a powerful need to control, manipulate and gain approval. bation
that they believe necessary in their struggle with certain overwhelming feelings. In the long
run, all your efforts are useless, because no one can free you from that overwhelming aspect.
2
They come to believe that there is no hope for them.

On the other hand, in some individuals with a similar background Something

very different happens here: normal human emotions appear so minimized that they
experience almost no feelings—no fear, pain, anger, or shame, and no joy, pleasure, or
contentment. They spend their entire lives in a state of apathy.

In reality, it has been the families of alcoholics, and other drug dependents, who made
therapists in treatment centers pay attention to these two groups of symptoms. All members
of these families They reported experiencing heightened feelings of shame, fear, anger, and
pain in their relationships with the alcoholic or addict they were dealing with. paba the focus of
family life. But often they could not express release those feelings in a healthy way, due to the
compulsion to please and care for the addict.

Apparently, their efforts tended to make the dependent tooth to stay sober or not use
drugs. But in this relationship between the family and the alcoholic there was also something
us irrational aspects. For example, most family members had the delusional expectation that
if they were perfect in their "relationship" with the alcoholic and in "helping" him, he would
remain sober—and they, the family members, would remain sober. family, they would be
freed from their terrible shame, pain, fear and anger.

This strategy never worked. Even when the alcohol The addict remained sober, the
family often remained ill, and he actually seemed to resent his sobriety. Sometimes he
sabotaged her. It was as if the family needed the addict to remain sick and dependent on the
other members so that they could continue to depend on him, thus explaining his
exaggerated bad feelings.

In a certain sense, the alcoholic abused directly or indirectly to family members with
their selfish behavior trica. Sometimes the addict was so physically, sexually, or emotionally
abusive that any normal person would have cut off the relationship with them. And this is the
second irrational aspect of the relationship of these families with the addicted person: do not
separate so, and they seem to be locked in a joint illness with the addict.

The fact that family members persisted in the relationship despite its harmful
consequences (abuse) was paralleled by the alcoholic's insistence on drinking, also despite
its harmful consequences. It became clear that, just as the alcoholic depended on alcohol to
manage his feelings, overwhelming feelings or his illness, the family depended on the
alcoholic in a sickly and similarly addictive way. In other words, the alcoholic and the
codependent were trying to resolve see the identical basic symptoms of the same disease:
the addict who turned to alcohol or drugs, and the codependent who persisted in the addictive
relationship.

This dependence of an addict led therapists to realize that a painful and disabling
illness was at work, an illness that they later realized also affected countless families in the
United States in which there was no member dependent on substances. micas.

We believe that these suffering people are in the grip of a serious underlying illness
called "codependency." And only a few know that there is a cure for syntheses. disabling
shots that we have described. But those who suffer from codependency often end up in

3
despair, and sometimes actually die from its effects. Death certificates never mention this
disease by name. The victims' stories speak of helplessness, suicide, "acci dente”,
cardiovascular problems and malignant diseases related to stress, personal abandonment
and repressed anger measure, with its correlative depression.

This disease is very difficult to see from the outside, because those who suffer from it
wear a mask of fitness and success, intended to achieve that approval that is more important
than anything. But these slaves of powerful and apparently unfounded compulsive feelings
are condemned to endlessly travel a circle of personal failure and intense experiences. filled
with shame, pain, fear, and repressed anger.

In fact, many people, in their efforts to escape these overwhelming feelings, turn to
chemicals to numb their discomfort. They are on their way to becoming alcoholics or other
types of addicts. We believe codependency underlies and fuels all of these addictions. When
an alcoholic or any other addict is freed from the agent addiction or behavior, on the road to
recovery you will often have to deal with the consequence and symptoms of codependency.

For the past eight years, Pía Mellody has developed codependency therapy at The
Meadows, an addiction treatment center in Wickenburg, Arizona. He has personally led
hundreds of people suffering from the agonies of codependency to recovery and wholeness.
Inc. The purpose of this book is not to provide a detailed history of the development of the
concept of codependency, nor arguments regarding its true disease status. ity, but to
describe the disorder as Pia Mellody has seen it: from within, in hundreds of patients' lives,
including her own. (Although in the text the first person is always used sounds singular, all the
authors have participated in the writing.)

The concepts, methods and eclectic approach to therapy are poured into a language
developed in the course of Pía Mellody's fight against the disease, so that its basis is not only
theoretical. In fact, there is no attempt here at all to devise or defend a theoretical conception.
The authors intend: 1) to describe the structure of codependency as it operates in everyday
life and relationships, and 2) indicate a practical model that works for healing people who
suffer from the syndromes Tomas. For those interested in the history and development of the
notion of codependency in psychological literature, we have included a brief final appendix.

Many of the concepts in this book (such as the relationship of codependency to child
abuse and the description of internal and external boundaries) were first formulated and
applied by Pia Mellody years ago. The fact that someone Some of these ideas have spread
and are applied worldwide. peuts and codependents from everywhere, thanks to the
conferences cies and recorded tapes of the author, constitutes a tribute to Pia's psychological
insight, and it was a pleasure for us to work on this project, which presents her and our
opinions on this topic in an organized text.

We hope that reading these pages will help you help those who suffer from the disease
cope with it and recover; The very act of facing codependency and moving beyond denial has
been the beginning of hope and recovery in our lives.

ANDREA WELLS MILLER J. KEITH MILLER

4
 Recognitions
I wish to mention the contributions of my husband, Pat, who played an important
part in the development of these Ideas. The concept of "limit" comes from discussions
we have had about suggestions from his mother about how he could defend himself.
Pat's grappling with my illness process was important to my own understanding of this
material. And as director of The Meadows, he allowed me to develop these ideas
through conversation with other codependents in treatment, and teaching them at the
institution.

I also want to thank hundreds of fellow codependents who told me their stories
and tested these concepts while they were in development, after which they told me
about their trials and successes. The cooperation, encouragement, and eventual signs
of recovery from these people have motivated and inspired me in my own journey.

It is not possible to recover from codependency alone . In the dark places in

which I feel deprived of the support of other human beings, I am deeply aware of the
presence of a higher power that sustains me, without which I am certain that I would
be lost.

PIA MELLODY

The authors would like to express their gratitude to the following people sonas:
Roy Carlisle, who saw the scope of this project and encouraged us to do it; Thomas
Grady, whose guidance regarding the structure was invaluable; Valerie Bullock, Arlene
Carter, Richard D. Grant (son), Carolyn Huffman, Charles Huffman, and Kay Sexton,
who read early drafts and whose tarios helped us clarify these concepts. Also wish We
would like to thank David Greene, who helped us with reference to electrical circuit
theory in the examination of carried shame. As the final decision regarding writing and
layout was left to Pia Mellody and us, those people are not responsible for any errors
or fusion that may subsist in the text.

ANDREA WELLS MILLER J. KEITH MILLER

INTRODUCTION: HOW IT ALL STARTED

A few years ago, in 1977, I was facing an increasing number of problems in my

relationships with people important to me. The relationship I had with myself was
also painful and difficult; She was disturbed, and experiencing a lot of anger and
fear.

I got so busy trying to be a wife, mother, nurse. mere and friend of the first
order, who was exhausted. And no one seemed to notice the fact that it was killing me.
I was a secret "pleaser," and I experienced growing anger about it, but I couldn't
outwardly change or stop caring. parme. I was full of fear, and I felt very inadequate,
even though I tried to do everything perfectly. I was increasingly ashamed, because
apparently I couldn't be perfect. Finally, my adequate-looking outer shell began to
crack and burst into fits of rage, frightening myself and those around me. Things got

5
worse. The anguish and inner pressure became constant.

My life seemed to be spinning out of control. So I sought help, and finally went
to a trafficking center I died, in 1979, to be treated for a set of symptoms that I now
call "codependency."

I found that the professional community I had approached did not know how to
help me. It was like I spoke English and they heard Greek. They didn't seem to
understand the nature or severity of my symptoms, and the treatment they offered
was unrelated to what I was experiencing. I tried to com understand what was
happening to me, but with the feeling of not being understood given or not being
taken very seriously. It seemed to me that the person nal blamed me for what was
happening to me. From my perspective, all they did was look at me like I was an
irrational, uncooperative trouble maker. It was extremely frustrating try, and I was
very angry. I knew that I was probably irrational, but I also knew that the people at
the center didn't understand what was happening to me.

At that time I was working at The Meadows, a center in Wickenburg, Arizona,

for the treatment of alcoholism, drug abuse and related problems. Because of my job,
I could tell that my therapists didn't know how to treat me. I was scared and thought,
"If I go to professionals who are supposed to know what they're doing, tell them
what's wrong, and they just look at me like I'm crazy, I'm real!" lost mind!".

Upon returning to The Meadows, where I worked, I was more melted and
dysfunctional than before. Any little thing provoked me there was a burst of anger. I
still remember that one day, shortly after, the executive director of the institution told
me: "Pía, if you don't stop getting angry in staff meetings, you won't be able to return
to them." I knew that meant “You're going to lose your job,” which terrified me. At that
moment I understood that my life had become unmanageable, and that I had to do
something to get out of the situation I found myself in.

Due to both experiences (the fact that treatment did not help me and the
possibility of losing my job due to my reactions) angry tions), I embarked on my own
journey of discovery. I wasn't really that mature. One day, another attack of anger at
work catapulted me into the adventure of discovery. I was in the principal's office,
talking to him and another counselor who was standing by the door. I wanted two very
important men in my life to know how disturbed I was that no one seemed to "hear" me
when I talked to them about my discomfort. As I went on, I realized that those two very
intelligent professionals couldn't understand me either! That memory still hurts me
today.

They just looked at me, and one of them said, "Well, why don't you find a way to
deal with that yourself , whatever it is?" I felt so angry that I wanted to hit them both. I
started pacing back and forth, and eventually I left, while they looked at me as if they
thought I was crazy.

After leaving the office, as I calmed down in the hallway, I remember saying to
myself: “If I have to find the treatment myself , all of us who have these problems are
hopeless. How can I do it?". I felt very inadequate. Even trying to identify the problems

6
confused me. As I struggled with my anger and panic, I wondered how I could sort
through and sort through my pain symptoms and create a treatment plan for myself.

Then, as I walked around the corner of the building, something happened to me.
At that moment it was as if all my confusion had disappeared and my thoughts had
focused on one point. A single, simple idea occupied my mind, in the form of a
question: "How did the first members of Alcoholics Anonymous begin their
recovery?" ». From somewhere inside me came the answer: “Those people shared
their experiences, their strength, and their hope. By doing so, they learned what their
illness was, and from that beginning everything else happened.

Then I thought something else: "My symptoms could be related to the fact that I
was abused as a child." Indeed, in my childhood I had had some deeply traumatic
experiences, and I suddenly remembered that someone Other people I knew who had
similar symptoms lars like mine had also been abused as children. Perhaps that was
the case for many! Maybe that was the case for all of them! I had enough knowledge of
psychology and therapy, and enough recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, to know that
painful childhood experiences were a common nest of vipers in addictive and other
types of dysfunctional families. I told myself that I would interview every person with a
history of abuse who came to The Meadows seeking treatment; I would talk to them
specifically about childhood abuse and their present problems, and I would try to
disentangle them. determine how they had been affected. On the other hand, we were
already doing some basic work on child abuse. I began by asking counselors to refer
people who had been abused to my treatment. In my work with patients at The
Meadows I had come to realize that the terms “mistreatment” or “abuse” are much
broader than what most people think. sonas. It includes more than the overt physical
beating, injury, incest, or sexual abuse we commonly associate with those words.
Abuse also takes emotional, intellectual forms. tual and spiritual. In fact, when I talk
about abuse I now include any childhood experience (from birth to age 17) that is "less-
than-nurturing." in my faith For example, I often use the terms "dysfunctional" and
"less-than-nutritious" interchangeably with the word "abuse." When these victims of
child abuse came to me with sultory and told me their experiences, I began to see the
connections tions that existed between the abuse they had suffered and their intense
and apparently irrational adult symptoms, similar to lares to mine. After some time, a
common picture of what was happening with these different people clearly emerged.
tes. Although I already knew that different types of abuse in childhood created different
kinds of problems in adults, at that moment I could see clearly that those who had been
victims of abuse presented common symptoms in adult life. All of us had the symptoms
of what we now generally understand as “codependency.” (In the first part I will
describe these specific symptoms in detail.)

When I talked to these people about their problems, they and I got excited. We
understood each other. In some way we were the same kind of people who spoke the
same language . What they were telling me was very clear to me, and in no way did it
seem Greek to me.

After talking a little, they used to ask me: "What can we do with these crazy
feelings, Pia?"

7
 I replied: "I don't know, but let me think about it." Then I would think of something
that could help alleviate certain symptoms that these people were experiencing, and I
would say, "Try that, I'll do it too." I don't think I can give anyone advice if I'm not
willing to put it into practice myself.

I began by suggesting behavioral experiments to help patients address the

irrational feelings and actions that made their lives so dysfunctional and self-
destructive. And as I myself did what they were told, I began to feel better. I
realized that I had finally begun my own process of being well! I had the advantage
of being able to share these experiences with hundreds of people who, over the
course of the following months and years, entered the treatment center for periods
ranging from one month to six weeks. They tried what I suggested, and provided
me with immediate and sustained feedback .

Counselors began telling me that after spending some time in my office, talking
one-on-one about their child abuse problems, patients seemed to do better in the rest
of their treatment. Apparently they calmed down and understood better what was
happening to them. So I began to record in writing my suggestions and the effects of
them on the patients.

Later I understood that, although codependents tend to be very sensitive to the

problems of those around us and have Although we have an unusual insight into
finding ways to help them, we are often groping in the dark when it comes to
diagnosing and helping ourselves with the problems of codependency. I think I only
helped myself by suggesting procedures to other people and putting I put them into
practice myself.

In the community of The Meadows the news began to circulate This new
approach was effective in isolating and treating the symptoms of codependency.
Without me realizing it, they were sending more patients to my office. Since I was a
head nurse at the time and was not working as a therapist, the situation overwhelmed
me. So I asked the center's director if I could create a workshop in which I would talk
to all survivors of childhood abuse at the same time about the relationship between
their childhood abuse and their adult symptoms of codependency.

That was the beginning of the workshop on child abuse and the code
quarrel, which I have since been directing at The Mea Dows and in different cities
throughout the country. The positive answer tiva that it raised was surprising to
me.

The concepts in this book and the model for codependency therapy and
recovery that I use come from several years of interviewing patients at The
Meadows, and psychological counseling developed from the interviews. initials. I
approach this topic as a messenger with some words of hope, and not as a
scholarly researcher who has scrutinized all the academic publications. Be
personal mind what it is like to live with the disease of codependency. She almost
destroyed me; A few years ago, I seriously considered suicide. But in working with
the disease that affected the lives of hundreds of patients, and with the help of
them, the director and the other counselors at The Meadows, I have discovered a

8
way of treating it that has surprised and encouraged us all.

Most codependents don't have much understanding of how this illness plays a
role in their lives, and how it affects their relationships, happiness, and self-esteem.
Although extremely widespread in our culture, the art of curing it is still in an initial
and primitive stage, to the point that many therapists do not know what to say about
it. They don't have a very clear idea about the cause or the best approach. Many
therapists and communicators have spent considerable time discerning and defining
psychological symptoms, which has been of great value, but to date I am not aware of
useful examinations of the underlying causal problems, and how those problems,
which originate in childhood, are still alive in the symptoms of the adult codependent.

Our purpose is to describe the symptoms in simplified terms. We will show how
they influence adult life and relationships, and how they create difficulties and
separate us from ourselves, others, and a higher power. We also want to point out
and clarify the less-than-nurturing childhood experiences that lead to adult
symptoms of codependency.

The subtle student of psychology may have some initial reservations about
some of the concepts that follow, such as "transported" or "induced feeling" and "core
of shame." I am not starting a debate, but am limiting myself to presenting a clinically
based description of the disease and the understandings that have already helped
hundreds of people get on the road to recovery.

This book covers the following key aspects of the disease as I see it:

 How codependency affects the adult patient: the five primary symptoms and
their uncontrollable consequences.
 An overview of the disease and its effects, including its origin, its
development, how it sabotages our lives and how codependents transmit it
to their children.
 A description of the basic nature of the child and how, depending on
whether the child receives functional or dysfunctional parental care, he or
she becomes a functional mature adult or a codependent adult.
 A discussion of how the experience of childhood abuse instills in the child
the inappropriate feelings (unduly painful, exaggerated, or frozen) that lead
to the abnormal behaviors responsible for difficult relationships.
 An in-depth consideration of the various dysfunctional parenting
behaviors (which I also call “child abuse”) that produce codependent
adults.
 Information about recovery pathways is now available to codependents
who want to do something to overcome their painful, life-threatening
illness.
Facing codependency takes courage. Unlike victims of alcohol or drug abuse,
codependents are often rewarded by the enormous number of "pleasers" they commit
to as a result of their illness. But overwhelming fear, anger, pain, shame, and
despair have kept many of us, for years, in a state of misery. And the only way I

9
have found to treat codependency effectively is to encourage people to bravely begin
the process critted in this book. I tell all the patients I treat the same thing: «The secret
to your recovery is that you learn to accept your own story. Look at it, become aware
of it, and experience your feelings regarding the less-than-nourishing events of your
past. Because if you don't, the problems in your story will remain in a state of
minimization, denial and delusion, and will truly follow behind you like demons that
you are unaware of. “This situation will continue to make you miserable through your
own dysfunctional behaviors.” I also use more direct words: "Embrace your demons or
they will bite you in the butt." In other words, " if you do not embrace what is
dysfunctional, you are condemned to repeat it and remain in pain."

This book is about the courage to face our own reality, and about the path
to freedom.

PIA MELLODY

PART I

I – THE SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

1. COPING WITH CODEPENDENCY

The examples presented in this book are based on true cases, but the names and
identifying details have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved.
An increasing number of people have recognized themselves in the symptoms
described in the following pages. They have begun to desire change, to clarify distortions, and
to heal from the painful after-effects of childhood experience in a dysfunctional family.

If the reader is one of these people, I want to tell you that there is have high hopes. The
first important step in changing and clarifying these distortions requires you to face the fact that
you suffer from this illness. One of the purposes of this book is to describe the symptoms, their
origin and the way they sabotage our lives, so that the codependent learns to recognize the
disorder in himself.

This disease and its links to various forms of child abuse is a complex issue. Due to
dysfunctional childhood experiences, the codependent adult lacks the capacity to be a mature
person and live a full and valid existence. Codependency is reflected in two key areas of life:
the relationship with oneself and the relationship with others. I believe that the relationship with
oneself is the most important, because when one has a respectful, affirming relationship with
oneself, relationships with others automatically become less dysfunctional and more
respectful and affirming.

Much has been written about codependency in recent years, and many symptoms
and characteristics have been identified. From my own work I infer that the core of the
disease is made up of five symptoms. Organizing the examination of codependency

10
around these five symptoms seems to make it easier to understand how the disease
develops. Codependents find it difficult to:

1. Experience adequate levels of self-esteem.

2. Establish functional limits.
3. Assume and express your own reality.
4. Take care of your adult needs and desires.
5. Experience and express your reality in moderation.

The origin of the disease

I have become convinced that abusive, dysfunctional, less-than-nurturing family

systems create children who become codependent adults. Our culture's intrinsic belief
that there is a certain type of "normal" parenting contributes to making codependency
more difficult to deal with. A closer examination of the techniques of "normal" parenting
reveals that they include certain practices. ethics that actually harm the child's growth and
development, and lead to codependency. In reality, what tends What we call "normal
parenting" is very often unhealthy for a child's development; It is “less-than-nurturing” or
abusive parenting.

For example, many people believe that the range of normal parental care includes
hitting a child with a belt, slapping tease him, yell at him, give him nicknames that ridicule
him, take him to sleep in the adults' bed or show him naked before him when he is already
more than 3 or 4 years old. They may believe that it is acceptable to require young children
to solve life's difficulties and situations on their own, rather than providing them with a
concrete set of rules of social behavior and some basic problem-solving techniques. Some
parents do not even teach basic hygiene techniques, such as bathing, combing hair, using
deodorants, brushing teeth, keeping clothes free of dust, dirt and body odor, as well as
sewing them when they are torn: they expect the child to know everything on his or her own.
.

Some PARENTS BELIEVE THAT IF A CHILD IS NOT GIVEN RIGID RULES AND HARSH, SWIFT
PUNISHMENTS FOR VIOLATING THEM, HE WILL BECOME A JUVENILE DELINQUENT, A TEENAGE
SINGLE MOTHER, OR A DRUG ADDICT. SOME, AFTER PUNISHING an INNOCENT CHILD BY MISTAKE
— BECAUSE THEY RUSHED TO DO SO WHEN THE FACTS WERE STILL UNCLEAR — never
APOLOGIZE TO THE CHILD FOR THAT MISTAKE. THESE PARENTS BELIEVE THAT APOLOGIZING
WOULD BE TANTAMOUNT TO SHOWING “WEAKNESS,” AND COULD THEREFORE UNDERMINE
AUTHORITY.

There are those who believe, perhaps unconsciously, that children's thoughts and
feelings have little validity, because the creatures are immature and need training. These
parents respond to the child's thoughts and feelings by saying, "You shouldn't feel that
way" or "I don't care that you don't want to go to bed: you're going to go because it's good
for you," and they assume that they are providing an education. functional.

Other parents go to the opposite extreme and overprotect their children, not
allowing them to face the consequences of their own abusive and dysfunctional
behavior. These parents usually maintain very intimate relationships with their
11
children, use them as confidants and share secrets with them. coughs that are beyond
the child's developmental level. This too well it's abusive.

Many of us, raised in homes where this kind of behavior was common, grew up with the
illusory idea that what happened to us was "normal" and appropriate. Our caregivers led us to
believe that we had problems because we were not responding appropriately. And many of
us reach adulthood full of frustrating feelings and with a distorted way of seeing what was
happening in our family of origin. We believe that the way our family behaved towards us was
correct, and that our caregivers were good. From our unconscious perception, since we were
not happy or did not feel comfortable, we were not "good" either. Furthermore, it would seem
that we could not please our parents by being what we were naturally. This mistaken idea that
abuse was normal, and that the bad thing was in us, locks us in the disease of codependency,
leaving us no way out.

12
 starting to look

To begin this journey toward recovery, everyone must consider the five primary
symptoms of codependency. cia and its resulting uncontrolled consequences in our lives;
we must construct the individual history of its origin. The process of facing and identifying
these issues seems to be the only way we codependents can begin to change. change
some of the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that have sabotaged our lives.

Most people, when they recognize the symptoms of codependency in themselves, go

through a period of con fusion and painful disappointment. This painful part of the recovery
tion is not eternal, but we must overcome it to find peace and serenity in a healthier life. We
have to stop denying the fact of codependency, and take responsibility for confronting it.
After a certain time, assuming and facing codependency becomes less overwhelming and
confusing, as we move beyond the first stage of recognizing the illness, to actively work on
healing the devastating effects of our childhood and life as adult codependents.

The next chapter deals with what I believe are the origins of the five core symptoms of
codependency, and how these symptoms are seen to act in the life of the adult codependent.

2.- THE FIVE CORE SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

Core symptom 1: difficulty experiencing appropriate levels
of self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience that one has value as a

person. It comes from within and passes outward in relationships. Healthy people
know that they are valuable even if they make a mistake, someone is angry with
them, they are scammed, they are lied to, or they are rejected by a lover, a friend, a
professional. genitor, a son or a boss. They continue to experience that feeling
self-worth even when a hairdresser cuts their hair too short, even if they are
overweight, bankrupt, lose a tennis match, or have been insulted or gossiped
about. In these circumstances, healthy individuals may feel other emotions (for
example, guilt, fear, anger, and pain), but their self-esteem remains intact.
Codependents have difficulties with self-esteem on one or both ends of the
spectrum. At one extreme, the auto is esteem is low or non-existent: one is thought to
be worth less than the others. At the opposite extreme there is arrogance and
grandiosity: one thinks that one is someone special and superior to other people. nas

The origin of low self-esteem

Children begin by learning self-esteem from their parents. primary caregivers.

But dysfunctional caregivers transmit have the verbal or non-verbal message that the
child is “less than” a person. These “less than” messages, issued by caregivers,
become part of the child's opinion of himself. By the time they reach adulthood, it is
almost impossible for these people raised with “less than” messages to be able to
cope. You stop generating from within the feeling that they have value.

The origin of arrogance and grandiosity

13
 Arrogant and grandiose behaviors arise from one of two different situations. In
the first, the family system teaches children to find fault in others. The child learns to
consider others inferior to him. These children may be excessively criticized and
shamed by caregivers, but they usually overcome the resulting feelings. So much
for being “less than” by judging and criticizing others.
On the other hand, some dysfunctional family systems teach children that they
are superior to other people, thereby instilling in them a sense of power. They are not
helped to see and correct their mistakes; nor are they led to recognize their own
imperfection and take responsibility for it. This type of treatment is called abuse of "the
surrender of power "; These children are raised with a false sense of superiority over
others in terms of worth or merit, and this sense sabotages their relationships. tions in
equal measure with the message of being less than others.

The external esteem

If codependents have any kind of esteem, it is not self-esteem, but what I call "
other-esteem. " External esteem is based on external things, among which are the
following:
 Your appearance.
 The money they earn.
 Your acquaintances.
 The car they have.
 The job they have.
 The performance of their children.
 How powerful and important or attractive the spouse is.
 The titles they have obtained.
 How well they perform activities in which others value ran excellence.
It is not bad to enjoy or obtain satisfaction from these things, but this is not
self-esteem. External esteem is based on one's own performance (what one achieves
or does not achieve), or on the opinion and behavior of other people. The problem is
that the source of external esteem is outside oneself, and therefore is vulnerable to
changes that are beyond one's control . One can lose this external source of esteem
at any time, so it is something fragile and unreliable.
I have four children. If one of them starts to “fail” at a task, project, or relationship,
my life can quickly become insanely ungovernable. If I base my self-esteem on their levels
of success, I only experience external esteem. And yet, external esteem is the only one
many of us have.

What difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of

self-esteem looks like in action

Frank is a very rich 45-year-old architect who never developed self-esteem,

he never learned to value himself from within. Consequently he garnered esteem
abroad, basing it above all on the fact that he had a lot of money and influence.
When Frank lost his fortune in a sudden and inevitable downturn in the real estate
market, he was deprived of any sense of esteem and self-worth. He entered
treatment deeply depressed, believing that he was completely worthless because

14
he did not have the money and power he had before. Lacking experience with true
self-esteem, he felt inadequate and disoriented.
James, a wealthy lawyer who was undergoing treatment when Frank
arrived, had not lost his money. Although he believed he had true self-
esteem, in reality his esteem was also based on the fortune he possessed.
James heard me say that true self-esteem is experienced from within. I
explained that originally self-esteem comes from within because we were loved
by our parents because of who we were, and not because of what we did. But he
still did not understand that the esteem he experienced Mention was external
esteem, and not self-esteem, because money did not allow him to discern its
origin. James's position was much more difficult than that of Frank, who
suffered the consequences ces of his lack of self-esteem and was in a
position to recognize know her Because James kept his money, he was unaware
that he had a problem or that his self-esteem was low or nonexistent . But the
effects of his ignored low self-esteem broke out unconsciously. mind in their
intimate relationships.
Having money is one of the most powerful “outside-in” experiences that
mask insecurity. ity and lack of personal self-esteem. It is highly unlikely that
James will make any real progress in his recovery. However, his life is unhappy,
because he is addicted to alcohol and controlling people; He has been forced to
acknowledge this by his boss and his family, whom he cannot control. But one
does not see a lack of self-esteem as a problem, which is why one is not in a
position to face their own codependency.
Liza is a 42-year-old mother who estimates herself based on what her
children do. When one of them has problems they lose their sense of esteem.
Buddy, the 20-year-old son, was arrested for selling drugs and injured in jail.
Liza's reaction was extreme anger; Buddy had deprived her of "respect." She
now sees herself as the mother of "a convict." At the treatment center he is
presented to us as “useless” because his son has problems.

Core symptom 2: difficulty establishing functional

limits

Boundary systems are invisible, symbolic “fences” that serve three purposes: a) to
prevent people from entering our space and abusing us; b) prevent us from entering
other people's space and abusing them, and c) provide us with a way to materialize our
sense of "who we are." Boundary systems have two parts: the external and the
internal . Our external limit allows us to choose the distance from other people, and
authorize or deny them authorization to approach us. The external limit also prevents us
from harming the body of another with our body. It is in turn divided into two other parts:
the physical and the sexual. The physical part of our external boundary controls how
close we allow people to be, and whether or not they can touch us. Likewise, if we have
intact external boundaries, we know how to ask permission to touch others, and we do
not get too close to them so as not to cause them discomfort. Analogously, our sexual
boundary controls sexual distance and contact.
The internal boundary protects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and
keeps them functional . When we use our internal boundary, we can take
15
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors: we don't confuse them with
those of other people, and we stop blaming them for what we think, feel, and do.
The internal limit also allows us not to feel responsible for the thoughts, feelings
and behaviors of others, with which we also stop manipulating and controlling
those around us. I visualize my external limit as a receptacle that covers me. Its
surface expands or contracts as I control distance or contact with others. I visualize
the internal limit as a bulletproof vest, with small doors that only open inwards. I am
the one who controls whether they are open or remain closed. And by visualizing
those boundaries, I can consciously protect myself from the abusive behaviors,
words, or feelings of others.
A person without limits does not notice the limits of others nor is he
sensitive to them. That person who transgresses the limits of others and takes
advantage of them is called an "offender." A “serious offender” is a flagrant
abuser, such as those who beat or sexually assault a wife, children, or friends.
With external and internal boundaries intact and flexible, people People can
have intimate relationships in their lives when they choose, but they are protected
from physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual abuse (unless they face a
serious offender who is stronger than them ). The diagram below represents an
intact boundary system. Cases of abuse by serious offenders are very easy to
recognize, at least for the victim and witnesses, but other cases of non-serious
boundary violations may not be so clear.
Boundary system intact


Protection and vulnerability

For example, Marion is walking to the church, and Josie rushes towards her
with her arms open, to give her a big hug. Marion steps back, holds out her hand
indicating she prefers a shake, and says, "Nice to see you, Josie." But Josie
ignores Marion's outstretched hand and his step back; She gives him a hug
without asking permission, and exclaims: «Marión, how happy I am to see you! ».
Josie just overwhelmed Marion's outer limit.
In another example, Charlotte returns home from work, tired and angry about a
situation at the office, and sees Janice watching television in her bathrobe in the
living room. Charlotte says: Damn Janice, I don't like it when you're in our living
room not getting dressed! I'm terribly upset that you're here in your bathrobe.
Charlotte has just demonstrated a lack of internal boundaries by blaming Janice for
the anger she feels.
Among the offensive behaviors that demonstrate a lack of
external limits are insisting on having sexual relations when the
partner has already said no, and touching others in some way,
without their permission. Among the offensive acts that
d e m o n s t r a t e a lack of internal limits are sarcasm to hurt and belittle another
person, blaming another for what we feel, think and do or do not do ourselves, and

16
believing ourselves responsible for "getting" someone to think, feel or do something.
Of course, there are many impolite, and therefore offensive, acts
that intrude on other people's sense of who they are and what
they do and do not do.

Boundaries must be taught

Very young children have no boundaries, no internal way of protecting

themselves from being abused by others, or being abusive to them. Parents have
to protect their child from abuse (especially abuse to which the parents
themselves may subject them). Likewise, and without ceasing to respect it,
parents have to make the child see their own abusive behavior, this protection
and this signaling on the part of the parents that allows the child, when he or
she reaches adulthood, to have healthy and firm limits, but flexible.
People who have grown up in dysfunctional homes often suffer from
various types of boundary impairment, and are either underprotected or
overprotected. Four basic types of deterioration result from less-than-nutritious
parental care: a) total absence of limits; b) damaged boundaries; c) walls instead
of limits, and d) oscillations between walls and absence of limits.

Non-existent limits


------------

No protection

People with non-existent boundaries do not realize at all that they are being
abused or that they themselves are abusive. They have a hard time saying no or
protecting themselves. They allow others to take advantage of them in physical,
sexual, emotional or intellectual terms, without a clear knowledge that they have the
right to say "Stop it, I don't want you to touch me" or "I am not responsible for your
feelings, thoughts or feelings." behaviors.
A codependent without boundaries not only lacks protection, but also
cannot recognize another person's right to have boundaries with them. Then
he crosses other people's boundaries without realizing that he is doing
something inappropriate.
Both the victim and the codependent offender suffer from the same problem,
except that the victim endures the abuse, while the offender carries it out. In the long
term, neither one nor the other can change by simple willpower. Because those with
intact or healthy boundaries do not imagine that there are "mature" adults who are
incapable of not behaving like abusers or victims, they experience little sympathy for
people trapped in codependency.
A damaged boundary system has “holes.” Sometimes, with certain individuals ,
people with damaged boundaries are able to say no, set boundaries, and take care of
themselves. At other times, or with other people, it is impossible for them to do so.

17
Such men and women only have protection part of the time. For example, someone is
able to set boundaries with anyone who is not an authority figure, or their spouse, or
their children. Or the individual usually sets limits but not when tired, sick, or scared.

Broken boundary system


Partial protection

Furthermore, people with damaged boundaries are only partially aware

that others have boundaries. With certain individuals, or in certain
circumstances, they become offenders, enter the other's life and try to control
and manipulate it. For example, a woman may begin to control her niece's
wedding because she believes that the bride's mother is not handling things
"properly," while the same woman would not dream of trying to control the
wedding of her best friend's daughter. friend. Damaged boundaries can cause a
person to take responsibility for the feelings, thoughts, or behavior of others,
such as when a wife experiences shame and guilt because her husband insults
someone at a party, or perhaps in certain circumstances — when she is tired,
sick. or scared — it happens that the limits of a person in otherwise healthy
conditions fail. For example, a mother who usually relates to her 17-year-old
daughter with good internal boundaries, allowing her to make her own decisions
and accept the consequences. But after an exhausting week of substitute
teaching, baking cakes for the church party, and delivering food to neighbors
who suffered a death in the family, the woman blames herself for why her 24-
year-old daughter decided to breaking up with the boyfriend and the resulting
suffering.
Walls instead of boundaries

Anger Fear Silence Words

   
Complete protection but no privacy
A wall system is intended to replace intact boundaries, and is often constituted by
anger or fear . People who use an anger wall communicate, verbally and non-verbally,
the message that "If you come near me or say anything about this or that I will
explode!" He may hit you or yell at you, so be careful! » Others fear approaching and
unleashing that anger.
Those who use a wall of fear separate themselves from others to be safe. They
do not attend parties, and after formal meetings they do not stay talking. If they are
forced to participate in a group, they emit an energy field of fear from which the

18
message emerges: "Don't come near me, or I will fall apart. "I'm so fragile that I can't
handle contact with anyone." Other codependents who share the victim's feelings
understand this message and stay away. Unfortunately, this type of person attracts
the offender as surely as a red cape attracts a fighting bull, so that the wall of fear is
not a method of protecting oneself from offenders.
The two types of wall are the wall of silence and the wall of
words. The person who uses a wall of silence remains silent, and
does not emit an energetic field of emotions like the individual
who uses fear or anger. She tries to go unnoticed, and begins to
observe what happens, instead of participating. On the other
hand, those who use a wall of words often talk without stopping,
even when someone tries to politely intervene in the
conversation, making a comment or changing the subject.
It is also very common for a person to go, at any time, from one type of wall to
another, from anger to fear, words or silence, although always remaining invulnerable
behind the walls.

19
 Back and forth between non-existent limits and walls

 
Back and forth between full protection and no protection

The movement back and forth between a wall and non-existent boundaries
usually occurs first when a codependent who uses walls risks coming out and being
vulnerable . Then, that person suddenly understands that he is too helpless,
because he has no limits. Having no boundaries is a painful experience when
we encounter a real offender or someone who only takes responsibility for his
or her own life (and who may seem cold or uncooperative to someone without
boundaries). The exposed codependent feels this discomfort and quickly
withdraws again, taking refuge in the wall or walls that provide protection:
anger, fear, silence or words. The unfortunate thing about walls is that
although they provide solid protection, they do not allow intimacy, leaving the
codependent even more isolated and lonely.

The origin of dysfunctional limits

By knowing the codependent you can know what system or limits their parents
have. If the parents' boundaries are non-existent, the child usually does not develop
boundaries either. If the parents have damaged boundaries, the child always has
damaged boundary systems in the same way. For example, if a woman does not
have good boundaries around her husband, it is very likely that her son or daughter
will lack intact functional boundaries between herself and the person she marries. If
one parent has walls and the other non-existent limits, the children may well become
adults who oscillate between both alternatives.

How the difficulty of establishing functional limits is seen in action

The above description of Josie hugging Marion, even though she had
indicated that she preferred a handshake, is an example of a lack of external
physical boundaries (on Josie's part).
Frank, who has no internal limits, is confused. A week ago his wife asked him
to take her and the children to a picnic in a local park, with neighboring families, to
spend a day of celebration. Two days later, his mother invited him to go with the
whole family to eat at her house, located about 150 km away. distance; Grandma
wanted to see the children. Neither woman had the slightest idea of the other's
invitation.
Because he completely lacks internal boundaries, Frank is unable to take
responsibility for what he himself would prefer to do. He is angry and scared, and
blames the woman and the mother for putting him in that situation, even though they
are both completely unaware of the problem. He believes that whatever his decision,

20
one of them will be angry and angry with him. For a whole week he experiences
intense inner discomfort and cannot decide what he will do. Finally, on the morning of
the holiday, he asks the woman to go with him and the children to her mother's house
to eat, assuming that she will understand and agree. But the wife gets angry, because
all week she thought about going to the picnic, and she had already bought and
prepared the food. The children thought they were going to be with their friends, and
the last-minute change will create the additional stress of helping them come to terms
with their disappointment. Frank feels guilty, but instead of acknowledging and
admitting that his indecision and last-minute behavior were what created the problem
between him and the wife, he blames her and thinks that if the woman were more
flexible and cooperative he wouldn't They would need to fight. Frank's lack of internal
boundaries means that he cannot see what his responsibility and what others'
responsibility really is. When he has to assume responsibility, he often falls into
confusion and blames others ; He also blames himself or irrationally takes
responsibility for things he did not cause or cannot do. For example, he considers
himself responsible for the alleged upset and anger that he could have "provoked" in
his wife or mother if he had told them both what he wanted to do himself.
Don has a damaged sexual boundary. Except with his wife, Brenda, his
sexual behavior is appropriate. But with Brenda his sexual boundaries fail, and
he often insists on having sex when she has already said no. He continues
hugging her, getting close, attempting intimate caresses and ignoring the
woman's protests; then he argues and is in a bad mood, not understanding that
Brenda has the right to say no that night, and that it will be completely natural
for her to be angry and hurt by the fact that he won't accept it. If Brenda also had
no limits she would probably swallow her anger and admit to the sexual act,
although feeling used and unloved. If she has good boundaries and upholds
them, Don may react by punishing her in some way, with sulking, silence, or
hostility. In our culture, actions like Don's are not typically considered
"offensive" or abusive, but they represent the acts of a codependent offender
who has damaged boundaries with his wife and therefore little ability to
recognize the existence of boundaries. she.
Jill has damaged internal boundaries around the men she dates. With the women
and men at his job, in the family and with the friends he doesn't date, his internal
boundaries are functional; He knows what he thinks and feels, and he makes his own
decisions about what he will and will not do. But on a date with a man, she
"mysteriously" loses that ability and needs the suitor to approve her opinions, feelings,
and behaviors. To please him, he agrees to do things he doesn't like. For example, she
spends a Saturday at a hot, dusty rodeo, screaming with excitement at every number of
the show, even though she is actually bored and hates the smell, heat, and dust. If the
suitor seems irritated or depressed, she immediately blames herself, frantically
wondering what she could have said or done to upset him . Because of her damaged
boundaries, dating a suitor is an unhappy and frustrating experience for this otherwise
functional woman.
Maureen is an important bank employee. She is an attractive woman, but the
rude and vehement expression on her face makes most people who approach her
see furious anger in her. The secretary trembles when Maurreen calls her to her
office, and tries to talk as little as possible so she can leave as soon as possible.

21
When Maureen walks majestically into the room where a meeting is to be held, no
one greets her or asks how she is. Others perceive her as a very irritable person
who is difficult to please. He runs his office efficiently and does brilliant work, but
he has very few friends at the bank. She is single and never dates men. Her hobby
is watching videos of classic movies at home, going alone to concerts of the local
symphony orchestra, and taking long solitary walks along the riverbank on her
parents' farm, outside the city. Maureen uses a wall of anger, rather than intact
external boundaries, to keep people at a physical and emotional distance, to keep
her secretary from "wasting time" with small talk, to stay out of political intrigue at
work and to not run the risk of being hurt by some romance. Although people rarely
hurt her in a relationship, she is isolated and alone.
Kitty, a thin and pale young woman, works as a cook in a fast food restaurant.
She is extremely nervous and shy. Sometimes she goes to the movies with her friend
Fran. Kitty likes Fran, but gives very brief responses to her friend's comments, rarely
looking her in the eye or taking the initiative in conversation. When Fran tells her that
she looks very pretty in her new dress, she blushes and remains speechless. One
night, when leaving the cinema, Fran wants to talk about a problem she is having and
suggests that they go out for a drink. Kitty immediately thinks, “Oh no! What I'm gonna
say? What if I can't help her? I never know what to say! "I don't understand what Fran
finds in our relationship." She continues to worry and fear about her own performance,
and doesn't really listen to Fran, who talks about her ideas and feelings. At the end of
the night, because she was scared and couldn't listen, Kitty hasn't retained anything
new from her friend's words. Fran feels frustrated and shuts up. Kitty a wall of fear,
rather than an internal boundary, to keep Fran at a "safe" emotional and intellectual
distance.
Those who have erected walls of fear usually prefer to stay at home alone,
and not be with the people they like. They reject invitations to parties, or even
marriage proposals from people they love, and they do so because they fear that
others will break through their wall of defense and abuse them . Rejections can be
expressed in angry, abrupt, or unfriendly terms that antagonize people and are
frustrating for both parties.
It is possible to use walls of anger, fear, silence or words, instead of external
boundaries, to control physical and sexual distance and contact with others. These
walls can also be used instead of internal boundaries, to not let other people know who
we are, and not listen to them when they tell us who they are.

Nuclear symptom 3: the difficulty in assuming one's

own reality

Codependents often state that they do not know who they are. I think that
this complaint is directly related to the difficulty in assuming and being able to
experience what I call one's own "reality." To experience ourselves, we must be
able to become aware of our reality and recognize it.
This "reality" as I define it, has four components:
 The body : what we look like, and how our bodies work.
 Thinking: how we make sense of the data collected.

22
  Feelings : our emotions.
 Behavior : what we do or do not do.
These four parts of our lives make up “reality,” as I define the term. When we
experience our bodies, our thoughts, our emotions, or our behaviors, all of this
constitutes what is real from our perspective, even if it is not what others would
experience in the same situation. This is what makes a person the unique being that
they are, and represents the "reality" of the person who experiences it.
It is difficult for us codependents to assume all or some parts of these
components, in the following terms:
The body: we have difficulty "seeing" exactly what we look like, or becoming
aware of how our bodies work.
Thought: it is difficult for us to recognize our thoughts and, if we do, we do not
know how to communicate them. We also falsely interpret the data collected.
Feelings: We find it difficult to recognize what we feel, or experience
overwhelming emotions.
Behavior: we have difficulty becoming aware of what we do or do not do, or, if
we are aware, difficulty assuming our behavior and its consequences on others.
The fact of not being able to assume one's own reality is experienced on two
levels: level A and level B. Level A, the least dysfunctional, is as follows: I know what
my reality is, but I won't tell. I hide my reality from other people, for fear of being
unacceptable.
Level B, more dysfunctional, is the following: I don't know what my reality is.
Life at level B is a delusion, since there is no solid experience of what my reality really
is . I must build or "make" a personal identity and reality, based on what I think I might
be thinking or feeling, or remain silent and not say anything, or try to reflect the
feelings and thoughts of others about me. , just as I can warn you.

The origin of the difficulty in assuming one's own reality

Children who live in family systems where they are ignored, attacked or
abandoned for their reality learn that it is not appropriate or safe to express it. It is
likely that, as codependent adults, they will later have difficulties experiencing and
coming to terms with their reality.
Joe remembers an incident from when he was 4 or 5 years old. He was
crying and approached his mother, who was standing by the kitchen sink.
Although he clung to her skirt, the woman continued washing the dishes, ignoring
him. When Joe addressed the father, he reacted by slapping him: a physical
attack. As an adult, Joe finds it very difficult to accept or communicate the fact
that he is experiencing pain.
A fri end of mine told me that when she and her siblings n eed ed
so meth i n g and expressed it, often crying, their mother would l eave
w h i l e sayi ng, “I can't stand you. You are making me crazy. I'm go i n g to
l eave h o me, and it will be your fault, because you cry constantl y. My
fri en d l earned that expressing her reality caused abandonment. T h ere
23
are mo re subtle emotional versions of abandonment that generate th e
same d ysfunctional results.
I think the worst experience for a child is being denied their reality . For
example, Fred and Cindy have a terrible shouting match. Fred calls Cindy a
"bitch," and she throws a glass vase at him. The vase explodes against the wall; 8-
year-old daughter Molly, awakened by the noise, watches from the living room
door. In the silence that follows, the girl says in a tearful voice: “This is terrible
and I am afraid. Dad, you shout ugly words at mom, and mom, you broke that glass
vase that you told me to be very careful with.
Cindy turns to Molly and says, “You're crazy, Molly. Dad hasn't said anything
bad to me. There is nothing to be scared of. And that vase was nothing special. If
you think this is horrible, you're wrong. "We're just having a normal discussion."
Then Fred adds: “It's true, Molly. Now stop spying on us and go back to
bed. "You shouldn't be up at this hour."
And Molly thinks, "I think it was horrible, and they say it was
fine." "I must be crazy." In my opinion, this is serious abuse, and
may make Molly feel insecure about her reality in other areas.
When experiences of this type are repeated, Molly and Joe lose confidence
in their perceptions, and/or stop expressing their reality. They are at level A: they
know their reality but they do not communicate it. As the abuse continues and
takes on more extreme and overwhelming forms, Molly and Joe separate
themselves from their own reality, especially their feelings: they stop even
experiencing fear and pain, so that these emotions do not overwhelm them. They
have gone to level B, they have begun to lose control tact with their own reality,
because it is intolerable to them. And as codependent adults, they continue to
repress these and other painful situations.
People who are at level B usually exhibit the arrogance and grandiosity
that we mentioned before. In our culture, extreme cases are often called
"sociopaths," but some of them are not. They simply no longer experience the
shame associated with low self-esteem. They are what I call “shameless”
people, who have distanced themselves from their own emotional reality
(especially shame) to survive the overwhelming abuse they endure. They were
born in their childhood years. Those people are structure They are determined
to offend and victimize others, and are extremely likely to do so.

What the difficulty of assuming one's own reality

looks like in action

The body: our physical reality is our personal appearance (our

attractiveness, body size, grooming), and the way the body acts. At A level, I
know a certain dress looks good on me, but I don't admit it. When I wear that
dress, maybe someone will compliment me. But even though I think I look
pretty, I deny that I dressed well, ignore the person who compliments me,
change the subject, or point out all the flaws in my appearance. At level B, I
don't have a clear image in my mind of whether I'm pretty or not, so after
hearing the compliment, I look in the mirror and say, "Why did that person

24
think this?"
Emily, a codependent woman who also has a eating disorder called
anorexia, weighs just over 36 kilos and measures 1 meter 78 centimeters. She is
on the verge of starvation, but when she looks in the mirror she sees herself as
fat. Emily is in level B, and does not recognize what she looks like, even if she
looks in the mirror.
Some time ago, my husband Pat, who is the director of The Meadows,
called me and said, "I'm sending you a man with an eating disorder, which I
want you to diagnose. "He is obese."
I asked him, "Why do I have to diagnose it?" If he is obese, can't he say he
has an eating disorder? tation?
Pat replied: “I can't explain it to you. Diagnose it, Pía.
A few minutes later a man, 1 meter 80 centimeters tall and weighing 120
kilos, entered my office. I didn't know it was the person sent by my husband,
so I asked him: "How can I help you?"
"You have to diagnose me," he replied.
"Diagnose him with what?"
"An eating disorder."
Then I realized Pat's ploy. I asked the man:
"Are you aware that you are obese?"
" What do you mean by that?"
«How much do you think it should weigh?»
"I feel very good at 120 kilos, I am robust and strong."
He didn't realize at all that he was obese. He was one of my first
experiences with a person at the B level in terms of their physical reality. She had
no idea of the size of his body, any more than Emily had any idea of her body
size. gado that was his. This is a very serious problem.
Some codependents who are at level B look in the mirror and cannot focus
clearly on their own face. They may think they look like someone else, or they may not
even be able to see their faces or bodies.
I myself oscillate between levels A and B, and I'm at level B in terms of my
appearance half the time. When I am at level B and look in the mirror, I see my father's
face, but not mine. If this happens, I don't know what reality is like, and I hate what I
see. But when I recognize myself and can see my own face, I like the way I look.
Many of the people I have cared for, among whom I expe experience this
symptom at level B, they have been subjected to sexual abuse. The disorder is often
expressed as an experience of being a floating head, without a body . Sometimes this is
the first indication to the therapist that he or she is dealing with a person who may be a
survivor of incest or sexual abuse, and the memory of the incident or incidents is
buried somewhere in the unconscious mind.

25
 Thinking: thinking is making sense of the data collected two. This data reaches
the mind from the senses, so everything we see, hear, smell, taste and touch is
considered collected data. At level A I am aware of what I think about a certain topic,
but I will not say it if asked, much less on my own initiative. At level B, I don't know
what I'm thinking, and when I'm asked, my mind goes blank or I get confused and can't
say anything.
Jerry and Sylvia go to the movies with the boy's college roommate, John. John's
strong body odor, which fills the car, is stinking, but Jerry and Sylvia chat politely with
him. When they get to the movie theater, John goes to the bathroom, and Jerry asks
Sylvia, "Do you like my sidekick, Sylvia?" The young woman thinks: «I don't like it, it
stinks. "I would prefer not to have to spend these hours with him, and I will be happy
when this is over." But, knowing that the two boys are old friends, he can't say what he
thinks, for fear of hurting Jerry. Then he comments, “Oh, it's magnificent. "It's lucky he
came with us tonight." Sylvia is at level A with her thinking I lie.
Feelings: in the aspect of feelings, our reality is made up of emotions. At level A
I am aware of the emotions that arise in my body, but when someone asks me what I
feel, I don't tell them. I lie, and mention a different feeling, or deny experiencing which
want feeling, knowing that it is not like that. For example, when I'm really angry about
something someone said, but I don't want to admit the feeling, I might say to the
person, "I'm sad about what you said, but I'm not angry."
At level B, I don't know what my feelings are, because I don't experience
emotions. People at this level often say, "I'm confused," or "When I try to feel something,
nothing happens." This is not healthy, and constitutes a very serious symptom of
codependency.
Behavior: what we have done or not done constitutes our another behavioral
reality. At level A, I remember my behavior clearly, but when questioned about it, I answer
something else or say I don't remember. For example, I am the one who feeds the cats in
the house. One night I forgot to do it, and the next morning everyone was at the back door,
mau crying and walking from here to there. My husband asked me, “Pia, did you feed the
cats last night?”
That day I was at level A in terms of my behavior, and I responded, “I don't
remember. I think so. Because?". I knew this was a lie, I knew I had forgotten, but I
didn't want to admit it. Another way to hide this oversight would have been to give a
complicated and vague answer so that Pat couldn't understand. tell what happened. If
I had been at level B, I wouldn't have had any awareness of what I had or hadn't done
(i.e., I wouldn't really remember whether I had fed the cats or not).
The following is another example of level B behavior. At The Meadows, one
morning I received a report about Dave, a patient in treatment, who had called
Rebecca, the night nurse, a "bitch." Rebecca had handed in the report at the end of her
shift. I passed it on to the patient's counselor, who raised the issue with Dave at the
meeting that morning. group nion. He then said: "I have been informed that last night
You bitch bitch Rebecca. Do you want to talk about this? Dave stop He was surprised
and replied: "I don't remember, I don't know what it is about." Since he was at level B,
he was sincere.
The fact that the patient has been at level B in terms of his behavior also usually

26
arises during the Week he spends with the family, when the family tells him how he has
behaved. So you see that these patients have delusional ideas and don't even know that
they have done certain things. They have repressed them, had a blank mind, or simply
cannot recognize that this way of acting is part of the problem. They need the family to
observe them to free themselves from denial and delusion. Being at level B is a serious
symptom.

Core symptom 4: difficulty recognizing and satisfying

one's own needs and desires

We all have basic needs and individual desires that it is our responsibility to satisfy.
I call needs what is required to survive. All people, both children and adults, have
"dependent needs." The difference between the dependent needs of the child and those of
the adult is that the former initially obtains their satisfaction thanks to the main caregiver,
and in the course of growth they are taught to attend to them on their own. An adult
already has the responsibility of knowing how to address each need and asking for help
when it is necessary.
The dependent needs that I focus on with adults are food, housing, clothing,
medical and dental care, physical nutrition, emotional nutrition (time, attention and
guidance from others), sex and the economic resources mics (earning, saving, spending,
budgeting and investing money).
There are some needs that can only be met by interacting with another person,
such as physical or emotional nutrition.* 1 But they must teach us that recognizing
those needs sities and asking someone appropriate to satisfy them is our
responsibility. On the other hand, we must also We learn to meet other people's needs,
at the right time, in the right circumstances. This is called "interdependence."
I divide desires into two categories: small ones and big ones. Small desires are
actually preferences. These are things that are not essential, but give us pleasure. For
example, Sherry thought she wanted a terry cloth bathrobe. Whether he really wanted it
or not depended on whether it could bring him pleasure. Although she already had two
other bathrobes, and certainly didn't need any more, for some reason the terry cloth
bathrobe appealed to her. When he bought it, he discovered that he got great pleasure
from it. He loved wearing it. When she wore it she felt wonderful. The robe was truly a
desire, because it brought him enjoyment.
Great desires give our lives a general direction. ral and bring us fulfillment. These
include, for example, "I want to marry this person", "I want to be a doctor", "I want to
develop this company", "I want to have a child".

The four categories of difficulty recognizing and

satisfying our wants and needs

We have lost touch with our needs and desires in one of four possible ways,
depending on our experiences. things we had in childhood.
 I'm too dependent. I know my needs or wants, but I expect others to
1
* "Nurture" should be understood, in a broad sense, "to meet the needs "healthy desires and desires, care for, stimulate and encourage
or promote development." With this connotation the words " nutrition" (nurture) and "nutrition" (nurturing) are used. [T.]

27
take care of them for me, and I wait, trusting that they will do so and I won't have to
take care of them myself.
 I am anti-dependent . I recognize that I have needs and desires, but I try
to satisfy them myself, and I am unable to accept help or guidance from anyone else. I
prefer care know the things necessary or desired, rather than being vulnerable and
asking for help.
 I do not perceive desires or needs. Although I have needs and desires, I
am not aware of them.
 I confuse desires with needs. I know what I want, and I get it, but I don't
know what I need. For example, I try to satisfy needs that I am not aware of by buying
everything I want. I may need physical nutrition, but I buy clothes.
Each person experiences needs and desires according to a different pattern. For
example, perhaps I am not aware of any desire, I cannot think of anything that I could
desire. At the same time, I may be too dependent on my needs: knowing what I need,
but waiting for someone else to provide it for me.
The fact that one's own desires and needs are not adequately attended to is
usually linked to a feeling of low self-esteem (shame). Whenever the "adult child" feels
that he needs something or has a desire, shame shines at the beginning of that
experience. This shame comes from childhood experiences, when the expression of a
need or desire was followed by the abusive satisfaction provided by a caregiver, even
though that abuse is no longer conscious, having been "forgotten" a long time before.
The codependent adult feels that it is terrible probably selfish for needing or wanting
something, even though you have every right.

The origin of the difficulty in recognizing and

satisfying one's own needs and desires

When the parents have attended to all the wants and needs From the child,
instead of teaching him to adequately satisfy those desires and needs on his own, in
adulthood that person becomes too dependent. By taking complete charge of the child,
without explaining anything or expecting anything from him, the parent becomes
entangled with the child.
On the other hand, children who, when expressing desires and needs, were
attacked by a parent, generally become anti-dependent upon reaching adulthood. For
example, little Sandy says to her mother, "I want a drink," or "I want a cookie." The
mother responds: «Leave me alone, spoiled. You bother me too much. Can't you see I'm
watching television? He may also push her or pat her leg. Sandy learns to be anti-
dependent. Can identify ify his needs and desires, but very soon realizes that if he asks
for help, the result may be abuse. When she is an adult, she will no longer ask for help,
but will try to find satisfaction on her own. And because no one taught her how to do
things, she will often make inappropriate attempts that will leave her frustrated. Since
you do not ask anyone for help, the needs that require the presence of another person,
such as physical and emotional nourishment, remain unmet. Her position is: “If I can't
do it myself, I might as well forget about it. "I'd rather not have it than ask for help."
Children whose needs and wants were ignored or neglected by their caregivers

28
typically feel lacking in needs and wants when they reach adulthood. They were not
even aware of these needs, never identified. As adults, they often work hard to care
for others, without paying any attention to themselves. Occasionally, at some level,
these codependents expect others to reciprocate and care for them. Then they tend
to get angry when this doesn't happen. But many times they ignore their own needs
and desires to such an extent that they are not even aware of that expectation. If
needs come upon them, guilt often follows. They have delusional ideas about the
whole question of what they may need or want, and how to directly satisfy those
needs and wants.
Children who get everything they want but almost nothing they need end up
confusing needs with wants. They are often children of wealthy families, in which
parents do not meet children's needs for interaction (for example, physical and
emotional nutrition). But these children have all the material things they could want or
express the desire to get. As codependent adults, they often lack awareness of needs.
They only experience desires. And they continue to indulge their desires and ignore
their needs.
For example, a woman may spend money compulsively mind on clothes, cars,
travel and beauty treatments, acquiring everything you want. But he ignores his
needs, eats a very unbalanced diet, never exercises or undergoes physical check-
ups. She may try to satisfy her need for emotional nourishment (spending time with
others and getting their attention) by spending inordinate amounts of money on new
clothes or makeup, just to get the store clerk and the makeup artist to interact with
her.
Therapy of our adult patients in this category is extremely difficult, because they
do not have the slightest idea about how to care for their own needs. I used to conduct
inspection rounds in the center building and patient rooms. The bedrooms of those
who confused needed cities with desires seemed to house 5-year-old children; It gave
the impression that a cyclone had passed through there. those per They didn't know
how to take care of themselves. The only thing they knew was to try to manipulate to
get what they wanted.
A person who confuses needs with desires is not like another who does not
perceive his needs (does not know what he needs). sita), but he has healthy desires, and
apparently he knows them and attends to them. On the contrary, in the satisfaction of
their desires these individuals usually lose control, and fall into compulsive gambling or
spending, sex addiction, excessive eating, drinking or drugs. They do not satisfy their
desires in a healthy way, but instead indulge in excess. They think, "I want what I want,
and I don't care about the cost or what I need," "I need to stop drinking, take a shower,
and go to bed, but I want one more drink, so I'm going to have it," "I want this drug and
I'm going to take it because I want it", "I have to stop eating sugar because I'm diabetic,
but I want a dessert. I don't care about my needs des». In other cases, they don't even
think about what they may need. sitar.

What difficulty recognizing and satisfying one's

own needs and desires looks like in action

I had to learn for myself to realize when I had a need, and then attend to it.

29
 When I started my recovery program, I lived alone and did not know raved my
own need for food. The consequence was that I suffered an attack of hypoglycemia. I
was losing weight and becoming anorexia. After 36 hours without food, I ended up in
the nursing ward at The Meadows, where I worked, complaining of listlessness and
dizziness. The nurse on duty asked me, "When did you last eat?"
"Oh, about 36 hours ago."
«Pia,» said the nurse, «you need to eat. "I'll give you a glass of orange juice, but
you know you need to start eating."
"How?" I asked. «Do I really know?» I couldn't "hear" her, even though I was the head
nurse and I immediately noticed the unhealthy nature of that behavior in anyone else. He had
no needs or desires regarding food; I was not aware of even that basic need.
Other people who do not perceive needs or desires When it comes to food,
they may not take the time to eat when they are hungry. Or they do not know how to
choose a nutritious and balanced diet.
Another need that I neglected was clothing. I didn't have with science that I
needed clothes. There were very few clothes in my closet. My “foster mother” was
teaching me to tune into my dependency needs. One day, while he was helping me get
settled into an apartment, he pointed out to me the fact that I had no clothes. "Pia, where
are your clothes?" he asked me.
“In the closet, Jane,” I replied.
"No, it's not there."
"Go look, I hung it up five minutes ago."
Jane returned and insisted: "Pia, there are no clothes there."
Finally, I went to the bedroom myself, opened the closet, and pointed out the
clothes: "Jane, those are my jeans, this is my short-sleeved shirt, this is my only
good blouse, these are my baggy pants, and these are my "five uniforms." (I've
always had my fair share of nurse uniforms.)
Jane observed: "But Pia, this is not enough..."
" What do you mean? It is enough for me." I honestly didn't know what my needs
were. Eventually I became too dependent: I knew I needed clothes but I didn't buy
them. Now I buy it, although periodically I have to force myself to think about the
question of whether or not it is time to buy some new clothes. I also struggle with my
need for physical nutrition. At first, I didn't perceive needs or desires in this aspect
either, but my husband Pat made me aware of it. I was in the kitchen and he was on the
couch, solving crossword puzzles, playing with the parrot and watching television. The
same as every night for the past few months, I appeared at the living room door to fight
with him. That time Pat said to me, "Why don't you come sit on the couch, and I'll give
you a hug?"
I don't know why, but I responded "Okay"; I sat next to him, he gave me a hug
and I felt better. I returned to the kitchen very excited. melted by feeling better without
understanding what had happened.
By the kitchen, I suddenly realized that I was fighting with him because I needed a

30
hug and I wanted to feel more important than the parrot, the television or the crossed
words. I wanted Pat to provide me with physical nutrition to buy bar my importance.
Since I was not aware of that need, I started disputes in order to get a hug when we
made peace. This “needless” behavior created a lot of chaos in our relationship.
The last example from my own life has to do with medical needs. A few days after
I opened ran an abscess in my foot, I had to do my full day workshop. I was wearing a
bandage, but I stood and walked. swimming for eight hours. At the time of heading to
the airport Puerto was already limping, but I didn't realize the pain. Those who were
taking me to take the plane noticed my limp and suggested that I use a wheelchair; I
refused. "I don't need that," I told them.
By the time I took a painkiller, it was too late. Shortly afterward the pain became
so intense that I couldn't walk. Only then did I realize how much my foot hurt. I was
not aware of my need to take care of my foot during the recovery period. ration of the
surgery, I was not aware of what was really a very important need.

Core symptom 5: difficulty experiencing and

expressing our reality in moderation

It is possible that not knowing how to be moderate is the most visible

symptom of codependency with another person. And dealing with someone who
continually exhibits extreme behaviors is very difficult for those who try to relate to
that codependent within the home. In other words, codependents feel They just
don't seem to understand what moderation is. They are totally committed or totally
detached, totally happy or totally miserable, etc. The codepen Tooth believes that a
moderate response to situations "is not enough." Only the excessive is enough.
This symptom has manifestation nes in the four areas of reality.
The body: many codependents dress immeasurably. At one extreme are those
who hide their bodies with baggy clothing, from the throat to the feet, or by wearing
such impervious clothing. sonales that no one notices them. This appears to be
especially the case for individuals who have been victims of sexual abuse, survivors of
incest, or sexual harassment.
At the other extreme are codependents who dress so flashily that they attract
everyone's attention, or wear clothes so tight that they clearly reveal their bodies. I have
also found this custom among codependents who have been victims of sexual
harassment.
Other physical extremes have to do with thinness or obesity, care or laxity in
personal care.
Thinking: Codependents think in terms of black or white, right or wrong, good or
bad; They recognize very few gray areas. It is difficult for them to notice life's options:
for them there is only one adequate response. In relationships, they are often based on
the belief that "if you are not happy "I completely agree with me, you are totally against
me."
They solve problems in an extreme way. For example, if George complains to Sam
about something the latter has done that has upset him, Sam's solution may well be to
never see his friend again, to avoid upsetting him.

31
 Feelings : The heart and soul of codependency lies in the difficulty codependents
have knowing what their feelings are and how to communicate them. It is very difficult
for them to experience them in moderation; Their emotions are weak or non-existent,
or they have an explosive or distressing nature.
Codependents can experience four different types of emotional reality. And,
even if we recognize these four kinds of feelings and their respective origins, that is
not enough: our lives can be very confusing and disconcerting.
1. The reality of adult feelings
The reality of adult feelings is an authentic and mature emotional response to
one's own thinking. It is not dysfunctional or codependent. These feelings are
generally moderate and cause one to feel centered within oneself. They are created by
present thinking about our life today; This experience is a performance folded by the
adult in us.
2. The reality of feelings induced by another adult
In functional people, feelings induced by another adult result from a process
called "empathization." aunt". As healthy adults, we can be empathetic with someone
who communicates their feelings to us, because to some extent we accompany them
in their experience. We can all absorb another person's feelings. For example, if a
friend who is sitting near us talks to us about a painful situation in her life and feels it
very intensely. ity, we, who are also adults, can also We must feel it and be
empathetic. This can even happen if she denies that her pain is something abnormal,
but on her face we see the opposite, or if she "doesn't take care" of what she
experiences (because she represses it and ignores it). However, the problem arises
when we take on our friend's excessive pain and become overwhelmed by her
feelings. feelings, which often happens to codependents, whose internal boundary is
nonexistent or damaged.
So, whenever we are physically close to another adult who: a) feels very
intensely; b) he denies that his feelings bother him, or c) he does not take care of
them, we can absorb too much emotion from that person and experience reinforce
these "feelings induced by another adult." Such overwhelming emotions usually make
us feel "crazy"; They make no sense to us because they are not ours. Consequently,
we are only functional and reasonably empathetic if we experience the feelings This is
referred to as low-level empathy, not overwhelming mador.
3. Frozen feelings from childhood
Experiencing little or no emotion provides only apparent security. One reason this
desensitization occurs is that the feelings aroused in a child during abuse are so
overwhelming and miserable. two that the creature silences or completely "freezes" its
emotional world in order to survive.
Another possible reason is that the child has suffered physical attacks cos, verbal
or both types, for having feelings or exte riorize them. Stewart received frequent beatings
from his father. When he saw him crying, his father hit him more, saying: “Enough! Men
do not cry ". Stewart then learned to endure the blows by disconnecting from his
emotions, to avoid a worse beating. The feelings involved are usually anger, pain, or fear.
When a therapist helps an adult who has experienced this freezing process

32
work his way through minimization, denial, and delusion, the person being treated
often reaches childhood feelings, with frozen for a long time, and there is a thaw of
those feelings, which seem to spill over into tears - at first, just a little sparkle in the
eyes -. This is a very powerful, almost overwhelming emotional experience, and
different from other adult feelings, because when frozen emotions thaw, the person
feels extremely vulnerable and childish. The feelings seem to be very old, and the
individual wants to resist experiencing them. They are accompanied by a message
that comes from childhood: "I can't feel this, because if I do I will die."
4. Feelings transported from child to adult
Children also absorb feelings such as shame, anger, fear, and pain from the adult
who wronged them. treats. These feelings remain within the individual until adulthood,
and are called "transparent" feelings. ted", because he has been burdened with them
since childhood. in the hood Chapter 6 explains the process by which children make
certain feelings their own during abuse. Who has this form of codependent reality of
feelings? cough feels overwhelmed and out of control.
Since there are four types of emotional experiences in a codependent adult,
learning to recognize the difference is an important factor in recovery. It is possible
that one experiences a lot of pain, but it is not adult pain, coming from the thoughts of
the day, but rather pain induced by an adult close to us, frozen childhood pain, or
feelings transported from childhood. Learn to eva loar if we experience ourselves as
centered, crazy, vulnerable ble and childish, or overwhelmed and out of control, helps
us identify which of these four experiences we are attracted to. seeing
Behavior: among the extreme behaviors of codepens It counts to trust
everyone or no one, and to allow everyone to get close to them or not allow anyone
to get close to them. Codependent parents may discipline their children harshly, or
not at all.

The origin of the difficulty in experiencing and

expressing our reality in moderation

My experience leads me to believe that operating at extremes can originate in at

least two situations, and perhaps more. One possible source is the behavior of
caregivers who also move to extremes; the child observes that com behavior and
reacts to it. The other source is the experience of "not being heard" or feeling invisible
in the family.
When children see their caregivers being immoderate in their dress, body
attitudes, thinking and problem solving, emotional expression, and behavior, they
model their own reactions after those examples. Some codependents who don't like
what mom and dad do opt for the opposite alternative, but since they react against
extreme events anyway, their "solution," the opposite behavior, also has an extremist
character.
For example, Clare grew up in a family in which she was beaten ban for any little
thing that the parents didn't like. As an adult she said to herself: "I'm not going to do
that." But instead of dis Disciplining her children sparingly does not discipline them at
all, and all her children are unruly and uncontrollable, because she does not make
them follow any family rules.

33
 In some dysfunctional families, the needs of Children's behavior is ignored
unless they behave in an extreme way to get attention. Only then do caregivers
respond to the creatures' needs. As codependent adults, these individuals express
themselves in exaggerated ways. gerated, thinking that only then will they be heard
and warned.
As my husband sees it, in order for him to understand and respond at a
moderate level, I proceed as if I have to explain things to him at a high level of
intensity. So he, in reaction to my exaggeration, subtracts 30% from everything I tell
him, to balance my extremism.

What the difficulty of experiencing and

expressing our reality in moderation looks like in
action

When expressing my feelings to anyone, I became aware of my own lack of

moderation. I called it “pickiness” because I always had one of two emotional
reactions. If I feared confrontation, I felt like a worthless person, and I cried. If it
seemed to me that I was stronger than the person I was going to confront, I
would go to the other end and yell at them.
There was a time when Pat, my husband, was also my boss at work. Whenever I
entered his office to discuss matters in my department, I would find him sitting at his
desk. Thorium, who is very large, and almost crouched, as if to resist my attack. From
his previous experiences, he knew that I might cry hysterically or look at him like I was
about to jump, grab the phone cord, wrap it around my neck, and hit him with the
receiver — it all depended on which extreme I was on that day.
I also became aware of the reality of my extreme thinking as I reflected on
solutions I had found in my marriage to Pat. Shortly after we got married, Pat told me
that he didn't like it when I took his coffee cup away to wash it before he was finished.
The first thing I thought, and what I said, was: «When do we get divorced? ».
"I'm not talking about divorce," Pat said. I just mention you I mention something I
would like. Couldn't you take the cup away from me? after I've finished the coffee?
As outlandish as it may seem, in my extremist style of problem-solving, I
thought that if the problem was that I was washing the cup too soon, it was best to
end the relationship so it wouldn't happen again.
A few years later, one night I began to recover somewhat from those polarized
behaviors. Pat told me that I left too many lights on in the house. My first reaction to
this criticism was to sink into an intense sense of worthlessness, and begin to cry and
feel sorry for myself. He left and went to the back of the house. I headed to the
bathroom, which is in the front, and as I walked I turned off the lights. twice all the
lights. I thought, "Since I'm not in these rooms, I don't need lights on." And I didn't turn
on the bathroom light, because I was afraid I would forget to turn it off later, and get in
trouble. Besides, who needs light to do what I was going to do?
After a few minutes, I heard Pat appear in the hallway, stumbling through the
darkness. I realized that I was angry fixed, but I didn't know why, although I noticed that
it was on giving some lights. He soon found me in the dark bathroom. Obviously

34
irritated, he grumbled, “What are you doing? ».
I, with my belligerent codependent style, responded:
-- I go to the bathroom. What do you believe?
—Why in the dark?
— You don't need light to go to the bathroom.
— That's you, Pia; You have no sense of measure. You are totally unleashed or
totally sunk. Don't you know what moderation is?
I went back to the living room, to curl up on the couch. Then I had a brilliant idea.
I calculated what would be a moderate amount number of lit lamps, counting the total
and dividing it by three. I decided that, for me, the number of lights on would be
moderate if it did not exceed that third. And I wouldn't care at all if Pat liked or didn't like
my decision. As I learned to be moderate, I finally came to terms with my own reality of
thought.
Another night, Pat complained about the lights again. I looked at him, did not fall
into my usual sense of worthlessness, and said, “There are eight lamps lit, and that is
fine with me. If you don't like it, why don't you turn off some of them yourself?
He just looked at me and smiled. I told him how I had made the decision about the
number of lamps lit, which for me was a step towards recovery.
After this, some of my decisions were certainly still a bit strange, but I was already
learning not to rush to extremes at all times of the day. Since we codependents usually
do not have a natural sense of what moderate change is, to achieve that perception it may
be necessary to resort to somewhat unusual, but creative means.

The word "normal" is misleading

In my opinion, using the word “normal” to describe recovery is inaccurate.

Normal means "what most people do" and many people actually have problems. ideas,
feelings and behaviors that are not healthy. Often, what is considered normal parenting
in our culture is far less than nurturing for our children. So instead of "normal behavior
and abnormal behavior" I mean "functional behavior and dysfunctional behavior."
tional. Functional behavior is healthy.
People who move to the opposite pole of a certain anything dysfunctional
behavior invariably ends in disappointment you swim This is because the opposite
extreme of one dysfunctional behavior is another dysfunctional behavior, not
recovery. Functional behavior is closer to the middle point between the two extremes.
When you begin to experience recovery and act moderately, for a long time it
seems that you are not doing things right. In fact, instead of using the word
"functional" when working with this particu For this aspect of recovery, I use the
term "moderate." We know that if an alcoholic does not drink, this is at least one
form of recovery. Similarly, when a codependent expresses reality in moderation,
he or she demonstrates some degree of recovery.

3. HOW SYMPTOMS SABOTAGE OUR LIVES

35
 During my recovery process, I realized that the five core symptoms examined in the
previous chapter were sabotaging my relationship with others and with myself. The types
of sabotage that I identified are:
• Negative control: we give ourselves permission to determine the reality of
another, putting it at the service of our own comfort.
• Resentment: We need to hit back or punish someone for perceived wounds to
our self-esteem that make us ashamed of ourselves.
• Distorted or nonexistent spirituality: We struggle to experience our
connection to a power greater than ourselves.
• Avoidance of reality: we use addictions, illness physical or mental illnesses
to not deal with what happens to us and other important people in our lives.
• Deterioration of the ability to sustain intimacy: we find it difficult to
communicate to others what we are, and to listen to them when they communicate to
us what they are, without hindering their communication or interfering in its content.
I will refer to these areas of sabotage as "secondary symptoms" of
codependency, since each results from one or more of the primary or core
symptoms of the illness. medity. While the primary symptoms affect "internal mind"
to the codependent, the secondary symptoms affect his "relationship with others."

Negative control

I am persuaded that our frustration and confusion as codependents come

primarily from our attempts to control other people's reality, and to allow their
reality to control us. Let us remember that a person's reality is made up of the
body, thoughts, feelings and behavior. There is "positive control" tive" when I
determine my own reality independently of that of others. With positive control, I
establish for myself what I look like, think, feel, do and don't do. How per sounds
healthy, I "control" my reality, and I know what it is, it encompasses pain and
expressing it when it serves my best interests. sess. Positive control is recovery—
the opposite of negative control.
There is negative reality control whenever I allow myself to determine what
another person will look like (including their clothes and body dimensions) or what
they think, feel, do or do not do.
On the other hand, allowing another to control me is also a factor in the
problem of negative control. When I don't stop I determine for myself what I will look,
think, feel, and behave, and let someone else control these things for me, I am engaging
in negative control.
For example, Jack's neighbor was sick and couldn't work. do physical work, so
Jack offered to help him. He began to load manure and mud into a wheelbarrow, to take it
to the foot of a tree. The neighbor came over and said, "Jack, don't worry so much.
You're going to get tired working like this, and you won't be able to finish. nar ». At this
point, the neighbor was trying to exert negative control over Jack's behavior by telling
him how fast he should shovel.
Jack smiled and said, “Don't worry, it's a good rhythm for me. This is a form of

36
aerobic exercise, and I am enjoying it. tando. "I'm confident I can finish the job." Jack
used his internal limit to respond with a positive control, determining undermining your
own thinking, your own emotional response, and your own behavior regarding the pace
of your activity. He was able to avoid being controlled, while politely and gamely
conveying his reality to the neighbor.
If Jack had not had internal limits, he could not have assumed his thought or
communicated it to the neighbor so calmly. Perhaps he would have used a wall of
anger, giving a bad answer, or he would have started working more slowly, allowing
the neighbor to control him, feeling anger but without expressing it. In either case,
Jack would have engaged in negative control by allowing the neighbor to decide how
he should behave.

The negative control and nuclear symptoms

Inadequate levels of self-esteem: whenever I have pro problems estimating

myself and someone has an opinion tion about me that bothers me, I try to control what
is per Sona thinks, so I can feel good about myself (that is, esteem myself). I do this by
arguing, rationalizing or denying that there is evidence of the other's opinion.
Damaged boundaries: When I don't have good boundaries, I can't tell where my
reality ends and the other's reality begins. My reality blends with the other person's, and
I think I can tell them how to think, feel, and behave, since they are nothing more than an
extension of me. This can be very irritating to the other party. Furthermore, it is possible
that I believe I can read that person's thoughts and feelings. sona, and thus choose my
behavior based on my perception of the opinion she has of me, with which I am
controlled by her. In the areas where I have no limits, it is extremely likely that I will not
see any problem in controlling the reality of the other. If my external boundary is non-
existent or damaged, I I give up the right to touch someone physically or sexually. For
example, I touch him as I want, or I keep my distance as I wish, without taking into
account his comfort, thinking only of mine. At the other extreme, I fail to take care of
myself, I don't make it clear how close the other person can be, and whether they can
touch me or not. There is negative control when I determine what I can do physically
with the other without his permission, or I give him permission for him to decide what to
do physically with me when this is not my best interest.
If I have a damaged or non-existent internal limit, there are also two extremes: I
allow myself to tell the other what they should think, feel, do or not do, or I think I
should allow them to tell me what I should think, feel or do myself.
Difficulty accepting reality: When I don't know who I am, I may expect my
husband to determine it for me without being aware that he does so. At the same time,
I have to control what he thinks of me, to satisfy his expectations and still remain who I
think I want to be. It seems crazy, but many of us try to convince someone that we are a
certain type of person so we can believe it ourselves. others themselves.
Difficulty satisfying needs and desires: If it is difficult for me to meet my needs
and desires, I will try to control the con behavior of the other, to force him to read my
thoughts, put himself in my place and seek my satisfaction. I usually get angry with
others, or reproach them for "not thinking enough about me" to read my thoughts and
attend to my needs.

37
 There are three exceptions to this general definition of negative control. First,
parents must influence the reality of their children. When a child presents
dysfunctional ways of dressing, thinking, feeling or behaving, the parent must help
him or her express himself in a more functional way. On the surface, this "may seem
like negative control, but when done with respect, restraint and good reason, it is part
of the fun role." tional of the parents.
Second, when we pay a therapist, we are actually purchasing that therapist's
ability to influence our reality. The therapist's task is to tell us if, in his opinion, our
bodily appearance, our thoughts, our feelings or our behavior present some type of
distortion. Zion. At that moment the therapist has to influence reality. client's
identity. It may seem like a negative control, but as constitutes the undoubted
purpose of therapy, it is excluded from the category of unhealthy negative control
(unless, of course, the therapist practices some type of abusive or offensive
behavior).
And third, when we ask someone for an opinion about our reality (for
example, a friend) that person has our authorization to influence our reality, and
their response does not constitute a negative control.

The resentment

Resentment consists of persisting in the anger that someone has provoked

in us, of clinging to the need for that person to be hurt or punished in
compensation for the suffering. lie that we think it has caused us. The person I
resent becomes my higher power as I obsessively think about what they did to me
and how they got back at me. me, endlessly recreating the embarrassing or painful
episode in my mind.
But as soon as I try to achieve my goal of revenge or punishment, I achieve
exactly the opposite. The intensity of my anger and my need to take revenge or
punish not only distance me from the person who has caused my shame, pain, and
anger, but also from those whose proximity I desire. This creates an even greater
sense of isolation for me, which in turn creates more shame, pain, and anger. In my
opinion, the need to take revenge or punish comes from the belief that, if I can inflict
an adequate lesson on someone who has wronged me evi I will wait for the painful
experience to happen to me again. This immature mindset develops in childhood,
when we are unable to protect ourselves. But as adults we know how to do it. We
must discard immature thinking and revenge fantasy, replacing them with a more
rational consideration of what has happened.
Every person tries to do in their life what they perceive is good for them. Often
someone hurts us, not because they want to hurt us, but because of their own need to
take care of themselves. That person is usually unaware that they are taking care of
themselves in an offensive and inadequate way. But we, due to our immature thinking,
believe that he does have a conscience, and that he deliberately tries to harm us. As I
mature As we are, little by little we are accepting the concept that we are not always the
cause and center of other people's behavior and thoughts. Instead of defending
ourselves with revenge or punishment, we understand that often those who harm us
are only trying to protect themselves.

38
 With a sense of our own reality (thoughts, feelings timents, behavior) and limits,
we can also take care us, acting in our best interests when we are with those people.
For example, if they have been abused or violated our boundaries—for whatever
reason—may We need to stop giving them information, keep them out of our lives,
and not spend as much time with them.
Forgiving a person who has hurt me means that I renounce revenge or
punishment, to feel good inside. It doesn't mean I have to keep that person in my
life, taking hits and constantly fighting to protect them. germ. It doesn't mean I
approve of their actions. It only means that I acknowledge my feelings, stop
thinking insistently about the event, and give up the idea of revenge or punishment.

Resentment and nuclear symptoms

Inadequate levels of self-esteem: if I perceive that a person If someone has

offended me (whether the offense is real or imagined), I feel a blow to my self-esteem,
which makes me ashamed of myself. This is because I believe I am treated as if I have
no value. So I have a great need to punish that person. sona, to regain my sense of
worth. Since it is difficult for me to feel valuable from within, I resort to "hitting back" or
devaluing the person who has attacked me , to regain self-worth. scam that has been
stolen from me.
If I act from a "better than" position and someone offends me in some way, I feel
entitled to get angry and retaliate. see the offense to right the wrong.
Damaged Boundaries: When I have no boundaries I may be frequently offended
because I have no power to stop it. If I feel like my boundaries have been violated, I
experience anger, fear, and pain. In those moments, resentment may appear. lie: the
need to get even. I will experience resentment more often than if I had functional
boundaries and could protect myself from offenses.
Of course, even when I have healthy boundaries, an offender more powerful
than me can still break through them. Maybe I feel pain, fear and anger. But
resentment is not the same as pain, anger, or fear, and if I am in recovery I can avoid
that desire to punish or get even.
Difficulty accepting reality: this symptom can contribute in at least three ways
to our experiencing resentment. timent. First, as a codependent, I often think
inaccurate or distorted statements; I am very likely to misinterpret something that
happens between me and another person, and think that I have been wronged or
insulted even though that is not the case. Distorted thinking creates more
opportunities for resentment. She is just as likely to have unfounded resentment as
she is to have it because she has actually been insulted or insulted.
Second, when I have trouble realizing what I think or feel, or have difficulty
expressing it even when I know what it is, I cannot fully recognize the effect that
another person's behavior has on me. I may experience pain, fear, or anger over
my perception that I have been insulted or harmed, but I am unable to recognize or
express those feelings in a healthy way . My unconscious thought cient or
unacknowledged it may be that that person "deserves" to be punished, or that I
"deserve" revenge. If I am not aware that I am thinking in terms of resentment
(because I am not aware of what I am thinking), frustrating, irrational, and hostile

39
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the perceived offender may appear.
And third, when I cannot assume my own thoughts about myself, I use to
define myself the opinion that I think others have of me. When another person
doesn't think what I want them to think of me, I may become resentful. For example,
let's say I have a new haircut. Since I can't come to terms with my own thinking (that
that cut is wonderful), I don't enjoy it either, unless my husband likes it. But he may
tell me that he doesn't like me, thereby undermining my self-concept, which
depends on his opinion. nion. Perhaps from now on he will remain lurking, waiting
for the opportunity to get even with me, criticizing or belittling him because he has
"spoiled" my satisfaction with the new haircut by telling me he didn't like it. As
such, I allow my difficulty in coming to terms with my own reality to sabotage my
satisfaction with my new “look,” and also my relationship with my husband.

Distorted or non-existent spirituality

Spirituality is the experience of being in relationship with a power external to

oneself and greater than oneself, which pro It provides acceptance, guidance,
solace and serenity. Human beings were not created as perfect creatures, but many
of us receive the message that we should be and that imperfection makes us
defective or inferior. When I recognize When we believe and embrace the concept
that we are imperfect and that is what we are expected to be, we become what I
describe as “perfectly imperfect.”
I think the experience of being "perfectly imperfect" feels like a joyful pain or a
pain-filled joy, arising from communicating our imperfection to others and allowing
others to communicate their imperfections to us. In the moment of joy-pain there is a
feeling of being connected to the other person and to a power greater than oneself,
which transcends understanding.
In terms of spirituality, our lives are sabotaged in two specific ways: a) I have
a hard time experiencing a power greater than myself, and b) I have a hard time
telling others who I am, or hearing who they are. These two difficulties are
intertwined as follows.
When I can embrace my imperfections, communicate them to another human
being, and accept myself as I am—someone perfectly imperfect—I am open to the
feeling of connection with my higher power. Although I am fully aware of my
imperfections and problems, I can ask that power for help and guidance.
Knowing my imperfection myself means that I can admit I feel that I have value (even
if I think I am imperfect) and be happy about it, but also experience pain when I know that
my imperfection causes me problems or disturbs those in relationship with me.
On the other hand, when I cannot accept myself as a "perfectly imperfect"
person, but am convinced that in imperfection I have defects, I am not open to the
spirit. ity. I believe I am perfect (or deny being imperfect), which leads me to act as my
own higher power. Or I feel abnormally imperfect, which results in me not being able to
tolerate telling anyone else about my imperfections, because they seem so horrible to
me that I assume that if someone knows them they will abandon me—my higher power
might even abandon me.

40
 Distorted or nonexistent spirituality and core
symptoms

Inadequate levels of self-esteem : If we believe ourselves to be worthless and

“less than,” we may feel that we have no merit to relate to others or a higher power;
tam We hardly endure the extreme shame that appears when we recognize We know
our imperfection and we try to communicate it; That extreme sense of shame makes us
feel alienated from others and from the higher power. On the other hand, if we are
arrogant and ostentatious, we become our own higher power, and we do not need an
external higher power. In both ways we sabotage our hopes for spiritual recovery.
Difficulty in assuming reality : to have an experience Spiritual knowledge, we
must be able to communicate our imperfection and fallibility, and listen to others when
they tell us about theirs. If we have not learned to accept our reality, it is almost
impossible for us to establish a nurturing spiritual relationship with a higher power
capable of helping us address imperfections. tions, because we have a distorted view of
it or we cannot make contact with them at all.

Avoidance of reality

When we have been abused in childhood, we consume a lot of energy in adult life
trying not to rediscover the unbearable reality of the past. But the unpleasant reality is still
within us. On one level we know and feel something about it, and have done so before,
even if we cannot consciously face and describe it. The presence of this repressed reality
makes us tend to avoid unpleasant feelings in the present.
As codependents, we are immature people in adult bodies. Our physical body is
adult, but our feelings Feelings and thoughts are immature, fearful and confusing . The
difference between our external appearance and our internal reality creates tension and
pain that is difficult to deal with. Codependents often turn to addiction, physical illness, or
mental illness to drown or suppress those painful feelings.

The adictions

I think that, in some people, addiction stems from symptoms nuclear shots of
codependency. Any process that relieves an unbearable reality can become
addictive. Substances or behaviors that reduce our discomfort take priority in our
lives, taking away more and more of our time and attention. Finally, that substance
or behavior can have harmful consequences that we often prefer to ignore, since we
do not want to We should give up such "painkillers." We learn to drown or cover up
our unwanted reality with one or more addictive processes, which become
destructive forces with a life of their own.
Alcoholism, dependence on other chemicals, overeating and other addictions
are diseases in themselves, but also results of a basic codependency. I think
sometimes codependents start using alcohol, drugs, food, and other compulsions to
cover up that additional painful reality that most non-codependents have. you don't
experience. Later, codependents may vol seeing themselves addicted to the
substances they use to drown the pain and shame generated by their codependency
problems.

41
 I always insist that men and women recovering from chemical dependency
whether or not they are codependent as well as addicts. If one per The addict is
codependent and ignores the traits of codependence. cia that there is in your life,
and therefore the need you have to recover from them, it is difficult for you to be
able to take the steps required to overcome your addiction or addictions. For the
alcoholic or addict who manages to stay sober, life can be very hard and perhaps
very miserable unless he or she also recovers from the dependency, and not just
from the chemical addiction . However, for the recovery process it is vital to first
achieve sobriety or abstinence, which allows the "anesthetized" feelings to arise,
be assumed and recognized.

The physical illness

If, for some reason, we do not condescend to seek relief from an addiction, our
unacknowledged and unstifled feelings will most likely be expressed in some less
conscious way. cient and harder to find. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders (DSM) calls these physical expressions of stress “somatoform
disorders.” It's about yes Persistent chronic intakes that doctors cannot cure. Many
people suffer from one such disease after another. In my opinion, what produces
many of these symptoms is tenacity. sion of avoiding the pain of assuming our own
reality, and of not learning to experience and express our feelings.

mental illness

The reality of what happened to us in childhood can be horrible and extremely

traumatic. To survive, some people have to completely refrain from knowing and
experiencing reinforce your feelings about that reality. At some level, these
individuals are so afraid of this painful reality emerging in their conscious life that
they unconsciously "restructure" the situation. They "ran" their mental world in a
very distorted way, to avoid the pain of facing what has been or still is. And this
"restructuring" manifests itself as mental illness or with psychotic behavior. The
idea of this restructuring process is: if I can live outside the normally accepted
reality, the horrible things that I am unable to cope with and that happened to me in
the past simply cease to exist for me; If they happened, I don't care anymore.

Reality avoidance and core symptoms

Inadequate levels of self-esteem: The addictive process can be used to cover

up the pain of feeling “less than” other people. On the other hand, the arrogant,
ostentatious abuser may become addicted to avoiding the pain of loneliness and
shame that threaten to emerge and deal a blow to his image of superiority.
Difficulty accepting my reality : when I don't want to know create or feel emotions
regarding what was or is, and I neutralize my feelings, my body expresses them through
a disease physical weakness, or I mentally detach myself from certain aspects of reality.

Impaired ability to maintain intimate relationships

One of the characteristics of codependents is the difficulty of relating to other

people (and also with ourselves and with a higher power). Intimacy means that I can

42
tell you who I am, and allow you to tell me, without either of us trying to change the
other . Intimacy also involves an exchange. One person gives and the other receives.
Sometimes both things happen at the same time. When I say to someone, "Can I give
you a hug?", I approach them and nurture them. When I ask "Would you give me a
hug?", I ask the other person to come closer and be intimate with me. During a hug,
we both become physically intimate with each other, but one of us gives and the other
receives, according to what each of us has asked for.
Intimacy with another person can be experienced in all areas of reality: we
can exchange contact, both sexual and affectionate, on a physical level. We can
make our thoughts and feelings known, and we can talk about our behavior,
acknowledging with each other what we have done and what we have not done.

An impaired ability to maintain intimacy and

core symptoms

Inadequate levels of self-esteem : if I am in the "less than" position, I believe that

the other is more important than me. When I compare myself to him, I don't measure up to
him, so I can't communicate honestly and intimately, because I'm afraid he'll discover how
incapable I am. If my position is "better than," I often send messages indicating that I
judge and condemn, so that it becomes unsafe for the other person to be who they are,
and to risk intimacy with me.
Deteriorated boundaries: When I appear victimized or offensive in a relationship,
intimacy is blocked. Without an internal boundary, I cannot listen to what the other person
says they are, or what they think I am, and tell them who I am.
Difficulty in accepting reality : if I do not know how to recognize what I think, feel or
do, I cannot communicate to others who I am. And if I need the other to be the one who
defines me, I will try to change what they think, feel or do, so that they define me as I
want. Obviously, this dishonest and manipulative behavior does not allow for the
development of true intimacy.
Difficulty satisfying needs and desires : If I rely too much on the other to satisfy my
needs and desires, intimacy becomes bogged down, because the other becomes my
caregiver, and I become dependent and childish. So our relationship resembles that of
mother and child, and we cannot bond on an adult level.
If I am anti-dependent and never ask for help, the inti My self is also blocked,
because I cannot tell the other what I want or need. If I don't perceive my needs and
desires, I don't take care of myself. I am not in touch with who I am, and the part of my
reality that I can make known is becoming less and less cere others.
Difficulty experiencing and expressing reality in moderation: if I overwhelm
others with my intense emotions, expose them to my extreme solutions, or threaten
them with my behaviors. extravagant things, intimacy cannot flourish. Even when I
communicate who I am, I do so in an emphatic and terrifying way, which indicates that I
am trying to change the other, behavior that is incompatible with true intimacy. And for
that person, the stress of relating to me when I am like that is overwhelming. mador,
which is why intimacy becomes extremely unlikely ble. On the other hand, if I bore her
or close the door with the coldness of my emotions, intimacy also dies. If I think, feel
and act at an immature level, a loving relationship can become an imitation of the

43
relationship between mother and son or father and daughter, making adult intimacy
impossible. If I act, think and feel on a superficially mature but controlling level, the love
relationship can also become a mimicry of an adult-child relationship. The true inti
Adulthood is based on spontaneity, joy, responsibility, respect and many other factors
that are difficult to coexist with a life lived in extremes.

From what point in our history do these

sabotaging symptoms come?

To recover from codependency it is necessary to see the source of these

symptoms, in order to understand the power they have in our lives. Many
codependents believe that their overreactions or frozen feelings are simply mind
personal characteristics, and look for techniques or try to learn social skills that help
them overcome those peculiarities. But, in my opinion, what frees us from the cycle
of sabotage that makes our lives so ungovernable and so painful is to look at our
history, identifying the specific incidents. fics that initially sparked the overwhelming
feelings and finding a way to accept and express them.
The second part of the book explores the nature of the child, and describes the
way in which functional and dysfunctional families affect the process of child
maturation. In the following pages the reader will be able to begin to investigate his
own childhood experiences, looking for the incidents that led him They are going to
become a codependent adult, and not a mature adult.

PART II

THE NATURE OF THE CHILD

4.-A BEAUTIFUL CHILD IN A FUNCTIONAL FAMILY

When children are born, they have five natural characteristics those that make
them authentic human beings: they are valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent and
immature.
Table I. Development of the natural characteristics
of the child as characteristics of the mature adult

Natural characteristics of
Characteristics of the mature adult
the child

Valuable Self-esteem from inner source

Vulnerable Vulnerable, with protection (functional limits)

44
 Responsible for imperfections, and spiritual. Able
Imperfect to ask a higher power for help to overcome
imperfections

Dependent (has needs and Interdependent and capable of adequately

desires) satisfying needs and desires

Immature Mature for his age level

All children are born with these attributes. Functional parents help them properly
develop each of these traits so that they reach adulthood as mature, functional people
who feel good about themselves.
In addition, children have three other qualities that allow them to mature
properly or survive and function successfully, even if they suffer notable abuse: a)
they have to focus on themselves for their internal development; b) they have the
energy limitless energy that allows them to do the very hard work of growth, and c)
they are adaptable, so they easily go through the process of maturation, which
requires constant adjustment and change. A functional family accepts these traits
of the child, and supports him as he goes through successive stages of
development.
A child is valuable
A functional family does not value any member or any outside element
more than its children, and they are valuable to it simply because they were born.
They don't have to do anything for the family to recognize their value. But this
family also does not value the child more than any other member. bro. All
members are equally valuable.
At the beginning of their lives, children have no self-concept, and are like blank
slates on which "how to live" lessons will be written. Personality development does not
contain any implicit behavioral pattern . Usually, they learn by interacting, first with the
mother and then with the mother and father. They absorb the esteem in which their
parents have them, and this parental esteem, internalized, becomes the basis of self-
esteem. Healthy children can be esteemed the way their parents esteem them, based on
their simple existence, and not by what they do or do not do. They know that they were
born precious, that they are enough on their own, and they feel strong.
How a Functioning Family Supports Children's Worth
Bobby was born into a functional family system. His parents treated him as
something precious, and as an adult he learned to generate his own sense of being
precious, his own feeling. intrinsic value. You will know how to do it thanks to
functional parenting training.
For example, one night Bobby's mother said to him in a calm but firm tone, "It's
half past eight, and it's time for you to go to sleep."
Bobby replied, "I don't want to go to sleep."
“I understand that you don't want to go to bed,” said the mother, “but you

45
have to go because you are only eight years old and you need to sleep a lot.
Tomorrow will be a great day. I know this is best for you, although I understand if
you don't want to do it. It's not bad that you don't want to do it. But you can go to
bed in different ways, and choose the one you like the most" (that is, you can go by
yourself or with my help).
I call this “sharing power with the child.” The parent avoids the dysfunctional
stance of saying no and saying yes to himself, which for the child is equivalent to "you
can only do what I want you to do, not what you want yourself to do." The child is
granted some freedom of expression. choice, within a nurturing structure (getting
enough sleep is nourishing), which represents a power-sharing approach to
addressing conflict between parent and child.
In this functional family, the mother's response is res petulant, for different
reasons:
• She admits having heard what the boy said about what he wanted and felt.
• Explains the rule and its reason to the child.
• Tells him how you will help him follow that rule, offering give you options to go
to sleep.
• He does what he told Bobby he would do and is physically firm with him,
but without hurting him. He picks him up and carries him, or gives him his
hand and walks him to his room, where he insists that he go to bed.
• If Bobby didn't respond positively when told it was time to go to bed, he might
have some consequences. unpleasant feelings the next day, due to having gone
to bed late and not getting enough sleep. Those consequences will correspond
to what you have done or not done with res respect to the family rule. For
example, a consequence It could be that he didn't do something after class
because he didn't get enough rest the night before.
Because the rule is moderate, makes sense, and there is a reason for it, the
parent provides good parenting or, in other words, insists that the child take care of
himself. Bobby's mother treats him in this respectful but structured way. rado,
recognizing his value, and Bobby begins to esteem himself from within, begins to
develop self-esteem.
Furthermore, the child learns that when faced with life's problems there are
different options. Many codependents have lost sight of the concept of choice, and
think that in certain matters they "have no alternatives." Additionally, the child comes
into contact with the concept that power can be shared with another. Mass of Now, if
Bobby gets married and he and his wife disagree about something, they can negotiate
power-sharing options or find a “compromise” on the matter.
A child is vulnerable
Children do not have completely developed boundary systems. developed, and
must trust their parents to protect them. They are extremely vulnerable, and need the
protection of their caregivers. dores in the physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual and
spiritual spheres. They learn to protect themselves and choose safe times to be
vulnerable in relationships, experiencing the protection and vulnerability of functional
caregivers. By protection I understand that caregivers recognize and respect the child's
rights to his or her own body, his or her own thoughts. cough, your own feelings, and

46
your own behavior, even while After their parents they guide them towards a more
functional reality; I also understand that when someone (for example, a neighbor, a
teacher, an older child) behaves in an abusive way towards the child, caregivers
intervene and provide protection. They never take sides for the offender and against the
child.
Furthermore, the child will see that the parents are also vulnerable. nerable and
communicate, and you will learn what are the appropriate times for intimacy with
functional limits.
How a functional family protects children's
vulnerability
Susan's parents are functional adults with boundary systems that allow them to
act appropriately toward the child. Boundaries protect all parts of Susan's reality. Her
caregivers do not attack her and behave with her in an appropriate way physically,
sexually, intellectually, emotionally. them and behavioral. Each parent strives to
demonstrate their own boundary system, so that Susan too develops one that protects
her. A sign of the functional family is that children are protected—not overprotected or
insufficiently protected—from abusive behavior, while they are helped to build strong
but flexible boundaries . Susan grew up modeled after those comprehensive parental
boundary systems, so she developed her own that allows her to be vulnerable to other
people when necessary, but also provides protection from abuse.
The boundary system also prevents Susan from offending others. Her
parents taught her that she can have a positive or negative influence on other
people. She has learned to be sensitive and timely when she makes her reality
known; She knows that just as she has a right to a protected reality, so does
everyone else.

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 The child is imperfect
It is absolutely essential that the character be taken into account. teristic of
the imperfection of the creature. Children are fallible: as they learn and grow they
constantly make mistakes. They are more imperfect than adults. They do not have
a lifespan or experience that allows them to face some of their imperfections and
do things better.
But I want to emphasize the following: in a functional family, the members
know that we are all imperfect. Being imperfect is the nature of the human being.
How the functional family supports the imperfect child
In a functional family, everyone knows that no member is perfect, and
especially not the parents. Functional parents accept that they can make mistakes,
and do not seek to establish themselves as the god and goddess of the family. They
admit that they must be held accountable for their inappropriate actions. When they
make a mistake (as they undoubtedly will, because they are imperfect), and that
mistake adversely affects a child, they make amends for what has happened, just as
straight-functioning adults do. They report to other adults whom they may have
harmed. I myself find it necessary, from time to time, to admit my mistakes,
apologize and make amends with my children. Parents successfully exemplify the
fact that human imperfection is universal, so they do not expect children to be
perfect either. When children make mistakes or hurt others, they are taught to make
amends. For example, I remember an incident where one of my children physically
attacked his brother, and I explained to him that hitting, kicking, and other abusive
behavior was not acceptable in our home, but all the while being supportive so he
would know. that he was a valued member of the family. To with I then told him that
he should apologize to his brother and com promise not to repeat any physical
attack. He was not yet ready to apologize, and I gave him time to make the decision.
Zion. He finally apologized, and has been working on the desa Develop your
physical limits to refrain from being aggressive.
Functional parents also have to be observant enough not to ask a child to
correct when this is not appropriate; They have to be truly sure that the child owes
an apology. Sometimes the child feels that he has not offended the other creature,
and that the parent does not understand. understand what has happened. And
since all children are sometimes manipulative, the "offended" child could have
falsified the facts, in which case no apology would be appropriate. For example
For example, little Jody is somewhat withdrawn and reserved, and her brother
Mana, Tracy, very aggressive and outgoing. When Jody is angry with Tracy, she
may not know how to express it directly, but she does so in an indirect and covert
way, for example, "I forgot." giving" where he put the toy that his sister had lent
him. He knows that when he does this, Tracy loses control and throws a tantrum.
When Tracy loses her temper, she attacks Jody, yelling for example, "You better
give me my teddy back, or you'll see" while punching her in the arm. Then little
Jody, withdrawn, shy, makes an offended, innocent and hurt face. It is necessary It
is important that the parents know each girl enough to at least verify what the
behavior of both has been. If Tracy says, “No, I won't apologize, Jody started it,”
the functional parent listens. Once the episode is over, the parents have the

48
sisters apologize to each other when necessary. Tracy is guided toward modes of
expression Anger is more acceptable than yelling and hitting, and Jody is taught
that hiding or "losing" another person's belongings on purpose is as inappropriate
a way to express anger as hitting.
I don't claim that these are easy situations when it comes to real, living,
imperfect children, but I am saying that the process of fairly and directly
addressing the issue of imperfections tions of children and the importance of
repair is in itself functional, although no parent can carry out that process
perfectly.
In addition to learning to deal with their own and others' imperfections, Jody
and Tracy are taught how to follow the rules, and what to do when others break
them. But these girls are never attacked "in what they are", even if they do not They
obey those rules, and the message is that, despite their imperfect behavior, they
are wonderful, beautiful people. Their worth and merit are never discussed, nor are
they exaggeratedly shamed. mind for its imperfections.
It's not that they don't have to follow the rules: they certainly have to be
held accountable. If Jody loses Tracy's toy she is taught to look for it, or replace it
if she can't find it. If he spills the milk, he is taught to clean the table. If Tracy
becomes exasperated and angry with her sister, she is taught to express her
anger without hitting. If you break your neighbor's window with the ball, you are
told to apologize and replace the glass. In this way, Jody and Tracy learn to be
adults who have self-esteem and can accept their own imperfection while still
experiencing from within that they are something precious. Without any internal
discussion, they know that they are wonderful human beings. villosos — fallible
but wonderful.
I think that having living models of the proper way to deal with imperfection is
extremely important, because it seems that the child only learns to be responsible and
spiritual as an adult when his parents recognize their own imperfections, accept them,
and demonstrate that they are guilty and vulnerable. to apologize to the child himself
and to the other adults in the family. I talk about learning spirituality, because only if no
one is a god or goddess in the family is there a place in the child's life for the spirit and
a higher power that transcends the family nucleus. By being accountable for your
imperfections, and asking a higher power for help to remedy By saying them, parents
show their children the path to that power. When parents do not admit or account for
their mistakes, they assume the role of higher power to the child, thereby blocking the
path to the true higher power.
The child is dependent (has needs and desires)
Children depend on other people to satisfy their needs. primary survival entities.
They also need others to satisfy their desires. In order to keep things simple, I address
just a few key dependency needs:
 Meal
 Clothes
 Home
 Physical nutrition
 Emotional nutrition (time, attention and guidance)

49
  Medical and dental care
 Sexual information and orientation
 Economic information and guidance
These are important needs that every person depends on. A functional family
satisfies them, and as the child grows, parents teach him to take care of them on his
own. The first These are self-evident, but I want to look in more detail at emotional
nourishment, information, and guidance. sexual orientation, and economic information
and guidance.
I believe that the need for emotional nourishment is perhaps the child's most
important need, once the needs for food, clothing, shelter, and medical and dental care
are met. the need Emotional nurturing refers to the time and attention that others need to
give to the child, so that the child knows that he or she matters and feels “heard” and
visible. To satisfy this need, two types of information are also required: pri first,
information about who we are, and second, about how to do things—about everything
there is to do in life (for example, winning friends, getting dressed, staying clean, being a
man or a woman).
Children who receive sufficient emotional nourishment develop a sense of who
they are, an inner sense of identity. This happens in two ways. First, the child pours
into who the parents tell him he is, because of the actions nes and words of the
parents regarding him. Second, the child acquires a sense of identity by observing
the parent and because the parent tells him who he is (the parent).
For example, a mother frequently repeats: "I believe that telling the truth is
always the best thing, even if it is difficult." The children remember that sometimes
she told the truth when it was difficult. He often tells them what he really thinks, and
has been consistent with his behavior to the end. Children absorb this value for
themselves.
Sexual information and orientation are also an important need for children.
Primarily they need support and information regarding their own sexual, physical and
emotional development. The family environment must allow the child to explore and
learn about himself and the sexual parts. he gives them his body. For example,
children develop sexually when they learn the fact that touching certain parts of the
body is pleasant. It is very important that they are allowed this sexual development in a
moderate way, without anyone shaming them excessively. They also need information
about what sexual development is.
They also need to be informed about the value of money: how to work to earn it,
how to save it, how to spend it, how to invest it, how to pay for things. I think the child
should have, at some point, a bank account. I also think you should participate in some
family decisions related to the economy. For example, parents could call a “reu "family
game" with the children, and say something like: "We're going on vacation next month.
"We have so much money, and we have met to see how we are going to manage it."
Children are born with a metaphorical “life skills” manual that has all its pages
blank. They acquire basic knowledge about being and doing through direct exchange
and specific communication between themselves and their parents.
Through trial and error, we learn what “wants” bring us pleasure in life. Children
want things not necessary for survival, such as toys, ice cream, certain types of shoes
50
for school, etc. When these desires are satisfied, the child realizes if they are real.
important or not; The magnitude of the pleasure or satisfaction they experience gives
them the key. And so they develop preferences for certain brands of non-alcoholic
drinks, breakfast cereals, certain clothes, certain movies, etc. Later they apply this
same procedure to big desires that can change their entire life and push them in a
different direction: those related to career, marriage, etc. child, paternity or
motherhood, etc.
How the functional family meets the wants and
needs of the child
Johnny is born into a functional family; parents not only They do not
focus on their basic needs but anticipate them, and are prepared to satisfy
them, especially when they are very young. As it grows, surveillance of the
progeny tors can be reduced. And when he learns to speak, parents no longer
have to watch him so carefully, because the child himself tells them what he
wants.
Such a family environment encourages the development of
interdependent adults, who can recognize, respond to, and care for their
own needs and desires; When need or desire requires the help of others,
they do not hesitate to turn to safe and appropriate people.
In a functional family two things happen. First of all, adults know how to
identify their own needs and desires. Secondly, they also recognize when a
legitimate need or desire arises that they cannot address on their own, so they
ask other safe people for help. This reciprocal satisfaction of needs and desires
is called mine interdependence.
For example, I can't hug myself. Usually, only another person's hug
satisfies my need. sity of physical nutrition. Even taking a bubble bath
doesn't satisfy the need to be held. It is much better and more satisfying to
be hugged by my husband or a friend. When I know I need a hug, I ask for it.
The child is immature
Children pick their noses in the supermarket, shout bad words at their brothers
and sisters in front of the priest visiting the family, and argue and talk loudly in quiet,
formal restaurants. They fight in the back seat during a long trip; They need to go to the
bathroom when we just left a gas station behind and there won't be another one for the
next hundred and fifty kilometers. A father or mother who feels surprised, angry, or
worried because their eight-year-old child "acts like a child" does not take into account
this basic natural characteristic of immaturity.
How a functional family addresses the child's
immaturity
Functional families recognize that this immaturity is natural. Functional parents
or caregivers know what they are running It is expected at every age level, from when
the child is a baby until he goes through adolescence, and they allow him to be a
child; They don't expect me to be a perfect little adult. They do not expect the child to
act with more maturity than his or her age, nor to behave or assume responsibilities in
a way that is only appropriate. when in older children, nor do they consent to

51
behaviors typical of smaller creatures. When a child behaves in a way that is clearly
"below" his or her age level, parents functionally help him or her to return to acting
accordingly.
If eight-year-old Janie has a tantrum and remains calm When she is on the
living room floor, her parents do not hit her or verbally attack her for it. They confront
the outburst, intervene and help her find a solution to her problem. One of them
approaches the girl and says, more or less: "Tell me what's happening to you, why
are you lying on the floor, screaming, crying and making all this fuss." The girl's
anger and behavior are not ignored, and Janie is helped to return to acting properly.
put at his age.
I am usually surprised at how well my children respond to this approach. On the
other hand, they don't react well if I attack them and say, "Enough with that stupid,
childish way of behaving!" ». But when I ask them sternly what's happening to them, it's
remarkable how the whole episode ends. I think that's real ity what they are looking for.
In a functional family, Janie will be helped to act her age, but not as if she were
older. Parents don't expect you to come to them without crying when you have a
problem, sit down and explain what's bothering you in a rational way. nal and well
articulated. She acts as befits her age. And so he manages to have a childhood.
Now, what happens when these five characteristics Do the natural ethics of all
children affect dysfunctional parenting? How do these characteristics lead to symptoms
of codependency, rather than becoming mature adult traits?

5.- THE PRECIOUS CHILD IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

In our society there are many inconsistent cultural values cients contrary to the
child, and those of us who consider ourselves good parents often behave in a
dysfunctional way with our children, even if we tell them that we do it "for their own
good."
Even when, as recovering codependents, exa We mine our own stories and try to
understand As a result, we may have to change some of our inherited cultural values
regarding what is acceptable or unacceptable parenting.
The three attributes of children that I mentioned in the chapter previous title (they
are focused on themselves, have endless energy and are adaptable) are part of the
equipment of every child to live their maturation process. In dysfunctional families, those
three vital tools are used against the child. Dysfunctional parents often attack you by
telling you that you are abnormal for being self-centered. Dysfunctional parents want
their children to focus on their offspring. tors, who aim to satisfy their own needs. I don't
see Therefore, in order to develop in a functional way, it is essential that the child be
centered on himself in a healthy way. And when children struggle to adapt to what their
parents want, their healthy development is delayed.
The process of abuse depletes the energy that the child has to rely on for the work
of growth. When a child is not allowed to be who he truly is, the healthy ability to adapt
To adapt and change is oriented in the wrong way, and is forced to begin the enormous
process of adaptation to codependency.

52
 As adults we are no longer focused on ourselves, we do not have the endless
energy and adaptability of childhood. This is true for all adults, but in adults it is fun.
tional attributes have fulfilled their function in the normal growth process, and are no
longer needed as much.
Recovery from codependency is a lot like a growth process: we have to learn to
do what our dysfunctional parents didn't teach us, that is, properly appreciate
ourselves, set boundaries functional elements, become aware of our reality and
recognize know it, attend to our adult needs and desires, and experience ment our
reality in moderation. To appreciate ourselves and become aware of our reality, we
need to be centered two in us in a healthy way; But when we begin to develop some
self-centeredness we may come under attack from other people in our lives, who may
interpret it as "selfishness." It takes great energy to establish functional boundaries
and attend to our needs and desires; When trying to do so, we will realize that we no
longer have all that necessary energy. It also takes adaptability to change our old
codependent patterns and learn. We try new ways of living, but we may discover that it
is very difficult for us to change our way of thinking and expressing our feelings. As
the childhood attributes of self-centeredness, abundant energy, and adaptability have
lost some of their strength, we can no longer apply them to our growth efforts, making
codepen recovery difficult. dence.
In addition to incorrectly directing these three abilities, dysfunctional caregivers
do not respond adequately to the five natural characteristics of children: courage,
vulnerability, bility, imperfection, dependence and immaturity. Instead, these
caregivers ignore or attack the child at the core of who he or she is, creating an
intense experience of shame. When the child loses contact with the inner feeling that
he has capacity and value, despite his mistakes, his needs or his immaturity, he
experiences excessive shame.
For example, five-year-old Paul makes a mistake in the pic nic from the father's
company, and spills his drink on the zapas someone's cough Sam, the father, bases his
self-esteem on the child's behavior in public, and feels ashamed because Paul has not
been perfect, so he yells at him, telling him that he is stupid, clumsy, for spilling his
glass. You believe you are using acceptable parenting techniques to teach your son to
be more careful in public, trusting that he will be a better citizen as an adult.
But after this, little Paul breaks down emotionally, feels intense shame, and loses
touch with any sense of self-worth. Dis has not been taught blame yourself for the
mistake. He identifies with his father's shame: "If dad is so ashamed and angry, surely
I'm worthless."

The link between the child's natural characteristics

and the symptoms of codependency

Children are by nature innocent, inexperienced, naïve, and believe that their
caregivers "can't be wrong." But in reality ity Caregivers often attack or mistreat the
child for having the normal traits of imperfection, dependence, and immaturity. As a
result, the child loses his own sense tion of being valuable (since he does not see that
the fault lies with the caregiver). Furthermore, the fact that there is abuse means that the
parents are not showing that they have limits, so the child cannot adequately develop
their own. When caregivers ignore or attack the child's natural characteristics, the child
53
develops dysfunctional survival traits so as not to fall apart and continue believing that
caregivers are always right. They adapt and reform their mental world so that they are
not overwhelmed by the feelings of worthlessness and shame that abuse generates in
them. The traits survival functions towards which their natural characteristics have been
lost become the core symptoms of codependency when the child reaches adulthood.
And I believe that this is how codependency is established. Table II pre It identifies the
specific survival traits that become the symptoms of codependency in adulthood.

54
 Table II: The effect of dysfunctional parenting on the
natural characteristics of the child

Natural When there is

Dysfunctional It converts Nuclear symptoms of
characteristics abuse they
survival traits into codependency
of the child become

Difficulty experiencing
Valuable Less-than or better-than adequate levels of self-
esteem

Too vulnerable or Difficulty establishing

Vulnerable
invulnerable functional limits

Difficulty in assuming and

Bad/rebellious or
Imperfect expressing one's own
good/perfect
reality and imperfection

Too dependent or anti- Difficulty meeting one's

Dependent: with needs
dependent. Does not own adult needs and
and desires
perceive needs/desires desires

Extremely immature Difficulty experiencing

Immature (chaotic) or overly and expressing one's own
mature (controlling) reality in moderation

The value of the child in a dysfunctional family

A dysfunctional family is unable to support the value of the child. The message
sent to you by being natural (vulnerable, imperfect, dependent and immature) says:
"There is something wrong with you. Do what is expected of you. The fact that you are
not a perfect person means that you are incapable and worth less than the rest of us,
who do not act like children. This is your problem. Or, “You need me to do so much for
you because I am better than you. "You better rectify yourself." And the family tries to
force the child to do things perfectly, or at least how the family wants him to do them.
Often pressures him to deny his own dependent-type needs and desires so as not to
upset the parents. And they do not help him to act as befits his age, either because they
push him to behave considered as a major or because they allow him to do so as if he
were a minor.
Because of these attitudes, the child may never have a sense of his or her
intrinsic worth, and may feel less valuable than others (especially primary caregivers
and ultimate caregivers). higher authority figures). Perhaps you learn to value yourself
based on the perceived quality of your “doing” or performance, rather than your
55
existence. These children believe that esteem comes from external things, such as
grades in school, awards they can get (in sports or studies), the clothes they wear,
how beautiful they are, the approval of others for them. their achievements or their
behavior, the boyfriend or girlfriend they have, and so on mind. This is external
esteem, based on things outside of oneself.
In some children there does not seem to be low self-esteem, but on the contrary,
they appear very arrogant and ostentatious. This is usually due to a family system that
teaches them to disdain other people, or perhaps the parental model, which is They
considered themselves superior. «Never forget, we are Wilson (or Feldman, or
McAdams, or whatever). We are better than the others. So, although in this situation
children may be criticized and shamed excessively by parents, they end up learning to
collect external esteem. putting himself above other people to cover up his own
feelings of unworthiness. These people act on the basis of the ostentatious, “better-
than,” arrogant trait in Table II.
Some children develop a "better-than" trait when their families treat them as if
they really had more value than the other children in the family, and perhaps even than
the parents. These kids are on a pedestal; Their imperfection is minimized or ignored,
and they are not taught that all people are worth the same. They do not experience low
self-esteem that they have to hide by acting arrogant. They truly believe they are better.
This surrender of power, which is a form of abuse, is very difficult to deal with, and can
lead to personal relationships. disastrous endings.
Billy, who was born into a dysfunctional family, has been told by his mother that
it is time for him to go to sleep. He replies, "I don't want to go to bed." The mother
takes him by the arm, shakes him and tries to take him by force to the bedroom, while
shouting: "Don't talk to me like that!" It's time for you to go to sleep, and I don't care
what you want or don't want. This mother's response indicates that she does not
respect the fact that Billy has courage, even though he does not want to go to sleep.
The message is that it is not okay for the mother for him to have his own sincere
feelings. And Billy develops the belief that he has little or no value when he expresses
his discomfort about something he doesn't want to do.
Billy's mother also says, "Okay, since you don't want to go to sleep when I tell you
to, you won't go out to play for a week." This is an exaggerated consequence, which
ignores the fact that the child is not sleepy that day and is based on other criteria that
are not proportional to the behavior to be corrected.
Billy is sensitive to the idea that it is his behavior that determines his worth to
his parents, and believes that what he is (a child who does not want to go to bed) is
worthless. He thinks it's "no good" because he couldn't "want" to go to bed when he
was told to. Likewise, he soon discovers that when he goes to bed cheerfully and
without delay (although to do so he has to hide his discomfort and pretend that he is
with attempt), apparently it does have merit and value (in fact, this is external esteem,
based on doing and not on being). Your own area ity of discomfort remains
unrecognized, and the child is taught external esteem. Maybe Billy develops the
survival trait of trying to please people, because he doesn't know how to love himself.

The corresponding characteristic in the codependent adult

56
 When the child's value is exposed to dysfunctional parenting that creates shame
or gives him power, the resulting survival trait is at one of two extremes: he feels "less-
than" other people, or he adopts the attitude of being better than them. Both traits give
rise to the adult core symptom of difficulty experiencing adequate levels of self-esteem.
Both low self-esteem and the ostentatious and arrogant response to dysfunctional
parenting arise from the same problem: a lack of awareness of one's own worth.
Some people experience this symptom at only one end of the spectrum,
either low or non-existent self-esteem or an arrogant "better-than" position, but
others continually oscillate between both poles.

The vulnerability of the child in a dysfunctional family

Children develop the same boundary system that parents have. If a parent
is dysfunctional and lacks an adequately developed boundary system, the child
does not create boundaries or only has damaged boundaries—he or she becomes
“too vulnerable.” He gets into dangerous situations, without even realizing that
the danger exists. He trusts too much, and continues to expose himself to
parents, other caregivers and even strangers who, acting without limits, abuse
him. When children imitate the walls they see their parents use, they develop the
trait of invulnerability. These children protect themselves from abuse by
retreating into a fortress of fear or silence, or they aggressively erect walls of
anger or words.
A dysfunctional family abuses the child's vulnerability by not protecting him or
teaching him to avoid other offenders. Because children are vulnerable by nature, they
have not developed the boundaries with which they could later protect themselves and
avoid harming others.
For example, ten-year-old Patsy one day decided to cut her way between the school
bus stop and her house, passing through a neighbor's garden, and stepped on some
flowers. That neighbor, Mr. Henley, appeared holding a rake and shouting at her: "Get out
of here, little one, before I dust you off!" ». Patsy ran frantically, and when she got home
she told her mother what Mr. Henley had done. The mother treated her like a rag and told
her that she deserved what had happened to her, for stepping on the flowers. In fact, both
Mr. Henley and Patsy's mother treated the child's imperfection inappropriately.
While Patsy undoubtedly made a mistake, she doesn't deserve to be yelled at or
threatened with a rake. Her own lack of boundaries led her to think that it was perfectly
acceptable to he looked at the neighbor's garden, and his lack of care caused this pear
the flowers. What Patsy needs is to be taught how to destroy someone else's property.
But the parents also have to defend the girl from Mr. Henley's abusive response. First,
they should not tell Patsy that she deserved the threat, and second, they could think
about going with the girl to Mr. Henley's house and helping her apologize to him,
assuring her that they will teach the little girl not to go through his garden, but also
telling him that they do not approve of the fact that he shouted at her with a rake. Thus,
they would accompany their daughter to excuse parse to protect her from any further
possible abuse from Mr. Henley.

57
 The corresponding characteristic in the codependent adult

When the child's vulnerability is exposed to a family dysfunctional system, the

creature acquires the same dysfunctional system tional limits that parents have. For
example, if the parents' boundaries are nonexistent or damaged, the child is too
vulnerable. As an adult, he continues to feel too vulnerable, and also acts with non-
existent or damaged boundaries. This adult cannot adequately protect himself in
relationships. nes, nor stop being offensive to others.
If the parents use some type of wall, the child also adopts it, becoming
invulnerable. When this child invul nerable becomes an adult codependent, he has
learned to protect himself, not with healthy boundaries but with walls. These adults
protect themselves from the abuse of others, but nothing stops them from abusing
themselves. Furthermore, they are isolated and alone, and lack the intimacy mity that
healthy relationships can provide.
If one parent has nonexistent or damaged boundaries and the other uses walls, the
child may oscillate between excessive invulnerability and vulnerability. As adult
codependents, these people continue to oscillate between non-existent boundaries or
harm twos and walls, between being too vulnerable and invulnerable, without finding a
comfortable way to relate to people. Any of these three responses leads to behaviors and
relationships dysfunctional adult tions.

The right of the child to be imperfect in a dysfunctional family

Dysfunctional families do not recognize or respect the fact that children, like any
human being, are imperfect. Sometimes they are attacked for this imperfection, and
receive the message that being imperfect is abnormal. To respond to that demand
parental idea of perfection have two possible options. One with consists of trying to
satisfy the requirement, obeying and with becoming good and perfectionist people. The
other alternative is that the child, overwhelmed by impossible parental demands, rebels,
refusing to cooperate and actively striving to be the opposite of what the parents want.
Parents call these children "rebellious" or "bad."
On the one hand, it is possible that the child's imperfection will be ignored,
meaning that the child will never know that he has imperfections, or that he is
responsible and accountable for his behavior when it is imperfect and affects other
people in a way. adverse. Society considers these children to also be “rebellious”
and “spoiled.” They do not realize that their imperfection harms or causes
inconvenience to others, which makes them responsible to the extent that it may be
abusive.
Four-year-old Mary spills her milk because she still can't drink He knows his
movements well. But her mother attacks her, saying: "What a shame!" You have spilled
the milk. You are a bad little girl. Good little girls don't spill their milk. Don't do it again.
Mary's mother attacks what is normal and imperfect in a girl her age, and demands
something unnatural. If Mary is cooperative You will try hard not to spill anything
again, and will even try to do everything else perfectly. If Mary is overwhelmed by the
demands, she may rebel and spill all the drinks by actively trying to do the opposite of
what her mother asks of her.

58
 Kerry is a twelve-year-old boy with a dysfunctional family. He trips on the stairs
and knocks over a flower pot. The mother shouts: "Hey, here comes Elephant Feet!" ».
He also tells her that good boys know how to walk around the house without destroying
it. Afterwards, he gets angry with his brother, says bad words to him and pushes him
out of his room, so rudely that he makes him fall. The father then hits Kerry with a belt,
without asking what the brother had done to provoke him. Of course, Kerry needs to be
taught how to express her anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone, but her mother's
mockery and requirement Exaggerated claims that he was "good" and wouldn't "wreck
the house" embarrassed him without taking into account the normal clumsiness of
boys his age. His father hitting him was an act of physical abuse that taught neither
Kerry nor his brother anything about how to resolve disagreements. The parents took
advantage of Kerry's imperfection as a pretext to see gonzar him and mistreat him.
As an adult, while trying to understand his own history Tory, Kerry told me that
she had suffered a lot of physical abuse. But when I asked him "Why were they
mistreating you?" Why would your dad take the belt and hit you like that? What had
you done? "He shook his head and replied: "I don't know."
I see a lot of patients who don't know why they were abused, and I usually tell
them the same thing I told Kerry: "Maybe you were just acting like a child, and that's
why you can't remember."
Most people who remember a special punishment fic they received as children
can also remember the reason. Maybe they burned the tree in the backyard, and
earned themselves a spanking. The reason for the spanking was clear, even if it was
abusive. Other children just spill milk, scream in their sleep, bully, calling your brother
or sister names, and fighting. But as adults they rarely remember what happened or
why they were punished for these kinds of things. They were punished simply for
being what they were, because parents did not understand that a child is imperfect.
Kerry, like many other kids who have this experience, became a perfectionist.
On the other hand, in some family systems dysfunction Less, when the child
demonstrates imperfection, he is not held accountable for the consequences of that
imperfection. He is not punished nor does he receive any information about what he
should have done, any instructions on how to do things better. These children end up
being "rebellious" or "bad."
Parents who treat their children's imperfection in a dysfunctional way often do
not recognize their own imperfection either. My clinical experience tells me that
these parents generally do not have a good working concept of spirituality,
although they may seem extremely religious. Practical spirituality is about a
relationship with a power greater than anyone in the family, even parents. In the
third part we will consider this idea of spirituality more closely.

The corresponding characteristic in the codependent adult

Many children who are attacked for making mistakes become perfectionist adults
who are also very controlling. On the other hand, children who are not held accountable
for mistakes or who give up trying to be perfect and resist parental demands may well
become rebellious codependents as adults, with very little and sometimes no self-
control. . Adults raised as perfectionists or "spoiled" rebels find it difficult to assume and

59
express their own reality and expression. These adults do not know how to realistically
recognize themselves as normally imperfect human beings, without at the same time
showing a lot of fear, pain or anger. In these conditions tions it is difficult to identify what
you feel, what you think, what you do or what you look like, because the emotional
reaction to any imperfection is extremely painful. The fear of cold case in any aptitude test
is especially intense in these cases.

Child dependence in a dysfunctional family

At first, children depend on their caregivers for satisfaction. meet all your needs
and desires; later, in the families functional groups, caregivers gradually teach them to
obtain that satisfaction for themselves, and to ask the right person for help when
necessary, without feeling shame or guilt. When the child's dependency is attended to by
professionals parents in a dysfunctional way, the creature becomes too dependent, too
full of needs and desires; either anti-dependent, or does not perceive their own needs and
desires. There are three primary situations of abuse that most children with dysfunctional
parents go through, relate with their needs and desires: 1) the parent intervenes in
everything and solves everything, never allowing the child to do things by himself; 2) the
child is attacked, or 3) the child is ignored rado.
In the first case, when the parent takes charge of everything, without allowing the
child to learn to do things for himself, he becomes too dependent simply because he lacks
the ability to take care of himself, and expects others to take care of him. For example,
David, an eight-year-old boy, is hungry and asks to be fed. The mother immediately
prepares a snack dillo, but he doesn't bother to teach him to do it himself next time. She
continues to make him sandwiches when he is twelve and when he is sixteen, and
therefore he never learns to make them for himself.
In the second case, when the child experiences a need dad, parents attack him;
then he learns that it is unsafe to express his needs or desires. Sammy is hungry and
asks for something to eat. His mother tells him, “You're a selfish glutton, Sammy. It's
too early, and I would have to abandon the plan char to prepare something for you.
Wait for dinner, like everyone else. So the child does what he can to make the snack
himself after having learned that it is unsafe to ask someone to feed him. "When I'm
hungry, I'll have to prepare my own food."
In the third case, parents ignore practically all the needs and desires of their
children, almost from birth. When little Sherry was hungry and said it, her mother often
didn't respond at all. Instead of learning to make a snack, the girl became numb to her
own feelings. hunger sation.

The corresponding characteristic in the

codependent adult

Are overly dependent, anti-dependent, or insensitive ble to their needs and

desires, codependent adults experience They present as a symptom a difficulty in
recognizing and attending to their own adult needs and desires. Overly dependent
adults, who never learned to satisfy their needs desires and desires, they are aware of
them, but they expend a lot of energy trying to get someone else to satisfy them; recu
They resort to whining or some other form of manipulation. For example, David, as an

60
adult, realizes that he is hungry, but waits for his wife to prepare him something to eat
and complains if dinner is late. When the wife goes out of town for a week to take care
of the daughter and new baby, she leaves the refrigerator full of pots and pans, along
with detailed instructions. written instructions about how to heat the food, because he
knows that David is not going to prepare anything himself. But he often chooses to go
to dinner at the nearby cafeteria, because even heating up the food feels
overwhelming.
Antidependent adults who have learned that asking for help to satisfy a need or
desire is likely to invite abuse are keenly aware of what they lack, but only satisfy
what they can obtain on their own. As for their other needs and desires, they cannot
ask others for help. An antidependent codependent would rather have his or her need
go unmet than ask for help.
For example, little Sammy is now an adult who very rarely asks anyone for
something, and experiences a lot of seeing. güenza when he is forced to do so. At the
age of twenty-eight he had a skiing accident and had to spend some time in a room.
hospital position with leg immobilized. One day he woke up from a nap very thirsty,
due to the analgesic medication, and saw that his water jug was empty. He couldn't get
up to fill it, so he waited for the nurse. When she arrived, Sammy started to tell her that
he wanted water, but suddenly he was embarrassed and changed his mind. The nurse
did not realize that the jar was empty. He had to wait another hour, until the maid
arrived with dinner and filled the jug. For two hours Sammy was thirsty, but he
preferred that to having to ask someone to fill his water jug.
Adults who do not perceive what they themselves lack were almost completely
ignored as children. These people have little or no awareness that they have needs or
desires. For example. Sherry, as an adult, hardly notices her needs for food, clothing,
housing, medical and dental care, physical nutrition, emotional nutrition, etc., just as
her mother had not shown the slightest awareness that Sherry was being missing
these things when I was a child. As it turned out As a result, Sherry does not eat
enough, has inadequate clothing, toothaches, and an arid personal life, because she
does not perceive her own needs and, consequently, does nothing to satisfy them.
Another example is Sally, who ignores her own need for physical nourishment.
Sally doesn't know that she needs to be touched, hugged, held, etc. But since this is a
basic human need, the deprivation you suffer affects your ability to maintain functional
relationships.
One behavior that Sally may adopt is to touch and suffocate other people, I
believe. consciously meeting their needs, when in reality you are meeting your own
unperceived need. In doing so, she may not realize that others consider such physical
contact inappropriate, which leads them to withdraw from her.
At the other extreme, Sally might not be demonstrative at all. mourning, and avoid
all hugs or contact. Touching or hugging her would be embarrassing to people who are
in a relationship with her, and who also want physical displays of affection.
Unfortunately, codependents who are insensitive to their own needs and desires
do not even know that their intimates need and desire these demonstrations.

The immaturity of the child in a dysfunctional family

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 When parents of immature children act dysfunctionally, they become chaotic or
controlling. a family Dysfunctional lia expects children to act in a more mature way than
corresponds to their age, or the feels and allows them to behave immaturely for their
age. Sarah and Donna are sisters raised in a dysfunctional family. Sarah was asked to be
more mature than she could be. At four years old, parents expected her to act as if she
were eight or nine; to sit quietly during the entire religious service and behave politely in
the restaurants. rantes. When Sarah was eight years old, she began taking care of her
younger sister, Donna, while their mother ran errands for a few hours in the afternoon.
At the time, Donna was three years old, and Sarah was overwhelmed by the fear that she
would hurt herself if she didn't watch her closely enough. She also knew that if she did,
she would be punished. And it irritated her that she had to stay at home taking care of
Donna, instead of going out on her bike. cleta with the other girls her age. Sarah became
a bossy, nosy, resentful older sister. When pushed Left to assume the behavior and
attitudes of an older girl, she never had the opportunity to experience her own
childhood.
On the other hand, Sarah's younger sister, Donna, was spoiled and allowed to
act like a much younger child. At eight years old, tantrums were accepted as if he
were two years old. Tolerated and even rewarded, Donna gained so much attention,
sympathy and comfort for her tantrums that she never learned what was expected of
her at age eight and even later.
In some cases, children experience both of these treatments. opposite
dysfunctional beliefs, at different times, or by both parents.

The corresponding characteristic in the

codependent adult

In adulthood, either of the two effects of mishandled childhood

immaturity (being chaotic or being controlling) results in difficulty
experiencing and expressing one's reality in moderation. As a codependent
adult, Sarah will likely become a controlling person, even if ted in excess.
Donna, on the other hand, will most likely remain immature, and her adult life
and relationships will fall apart. ethics. Neither of the two sisters had the
opportunity to act as befitted their respective ages while they were both
growing up; too little time, attention and guidance on how to live properly was
given to them.

6.- THE EMOTIONAL DAMAGE OF ABUSE

Dysfunctional parenting harms us in numerous ways. It can scar our bodies
and deprive them of health, lead us to become overweight or excessively thin,
prevent us from having a healthy sexual life, distort our thoughts, often even our
spiritual life, and generate extravagant behavior. gusty or erratic. But I believe it
is the emotional damage we suffer that most deeply sabotages our lives as
codependent adults. Our emotions are often overwhelming and seemingly
irrational, or we are so disconnected from them that we are emotionally
insensitive. In my opinion, the nature of this emotional damage is the key to

62
understanding how codependency works in adults.
Feeling healthy emotions is a positive experience. There is nothing wrong with
any emotion, as long as it is expressed in a healthy, functional and non-abusive way.
As part of the endowment we need to live life fully and functionally, each of our
emotions has a specific purpose.
Anger gives us the strength necessary to take care of ourselves. It allows us
to affirm ourselves and be who we are. We can put healthy anger at the service of
our best interest by looking at it squarely and expressing it in a non-abusive way
(to ourselves or to others).
Fear helps us protect ourselves. When we feel fear, we are alert to possible
dangers. Healthy fear causes us to refrain from entering situations and establishing
relationships that would not serve our best interest.
Pain motivates us to mature. Normal healthy lives are full of problems that
generate pain, and experiencing that pain helps personal development. Many of us have
been told, in our families of origin, that mature people do not have problems or pain,
which is why we come to think that there is something wrong with us, that we do have
them.
As a result of life's routine problems and difficulties, we will all experience pain
from time to time. A functional person takes advantage of pain as a means to work
through problems, remedy their effects, obtain wisdom that painful situations provide,
and continue the process of maturation. The repression of pain, not facing it or drowning
it in some way, causes the damage and imma to persist in us. hardness
Guilt is a healthy warning system; It tells us that we have transgressed a value
that we consider important. Feeling guilt helps us change our behavior and live up to
our values again.
Shame gives us a humility that allows us to know that we are not the higher
power. Healthy shame reminds us that we are fallible and that we have to learn to be
responsible. bless and be accountable. It also helps us correct our areas of fallibility
that adversely affect society and others. This process helps us accept the rest of our
imperfection as part of our normal, healthy humanity. It also allows us to relate in a
healthy way with a higher power, a relationship necessary to live as an adult. mature
and responsible coughs. We always experience shame before we notice that we have
made a mistake or are impenetrable defects.
Although everyone is imperfect, children are more so than adults, because they
have not yet been taught to correct part of their imperfection, so that they know how to
behave better in society. Given the fallibility of the child, the parent must correct very
important areas that, otherwise, will affect negativity. tively to the child or to society.
In my opinion, healthy shame does not arise naturally from within like anger,
pain, fear and joy. I believe that shame is transmitted from generation to generation in
the pro cess of correction of children by adults.
Healthy correction, with support and respect, begins the development of natural
shame. Let's say a child sticks his fingers in his nose at the shopping mall, and his
mother wants to show him. Tell him that he shouldn't do it, but without embarrassing
him excessively. Then she walks up to him, so he can hear her without raising her

63
voice, and says, “Stan, you shouldn't put your fingers in your nose, and I want you to
stop doing that. Take a tissue. If your nose bothers you, blow it. This approach is
appropriate when the child is old enough to pay attention and respond, not when he or
she is too young to understand. turns on. Stan may experience some embarrassment
as this correction develops his own healthy shame.
When caregivers correct a child in a humi callous, coercive, without respect, the
creature not only feels turmoil bad, but also "less-than", incapable, lacking worth. In this
same chapter we will see later how it happens.
In a family that never corrects him, the child develops no shame at all, not even
healthy shame. In one per sounds like this, I encounter feelings of anger, pain, fear
and anger anger, but not shame, which is why I believe that the latter does not have its
source within us, but that the child acquires it in the process of being corrected by the
person who takes care of him. These children have little or no healthy shame that
makes them take note of their own fallibility, and they typically exhibit pomposity and
arrogance; They think that everything they do is automatically acceptable. If someone
objects to something, they consider themselves misunderstood or misunderstood, or
they think They know that the person who criticizes them makes a mistake.

What our society says about feelings

For our culture, feelings are of two types: "good and bad." Anger, pain, fear,
guilt and seeing güenza are considered bad or negative. We understand that the
gría is good or positive. Unfortunately, this type of “black or white” categorization
is erroneous and dysfunctional. A dysfunctional message we receive from our
culture is that it is almost never acceptable to experience "bad" feelings. ments
that we have just listed. The message to the child is that mature, controlled,
successful adults are "rational" at all times, which means having no sense. “bad”
thoughts. When you are an adult, the message is usually: "If you are really mature,
you don't have to experience feelings." 'bad' lies.
In parallel with this message there is another, according to which it is imma lasts
any person who assumes and expresses any of these emotions tions. If the feelings are
of moderate intensity, that person is called "emotional" (as opposed to "ratio"). "). And if
your feelings are extremely intense, you have entered the realm of madness. Since one
of the most important symptoms of codependency is “feeling crazy” because our
emotions seem almost out of control, we codependents in our culture feel a lot of guilt
and shame for being who we are.
Another cultural message is that although our family and our Other friends
accept that we have certain feelings, there are some others that are not allowed to us.
For example, in our society men should not be afraid. If a man is afraid, he is a coward.
It is acceptable for a woman to be afraid, because she is assumed to be weak and
vulnerable. But women should not be angry. If a woman gets angry, she is a witch. On
the other hand, man's anger is his right as a man; He limits himself to exercising his
power.
Pain is not acceptable in either sex. The message is: "You have the right not to
feel pain, so take what you need to anesthetize it." Since wisdom and maturity come
from facing pain and learning from it, I believe that the United States is a country of very

64
immature people, unwilling to experience the feeling that would lead them to true
wisdom. We have not learned to tolerate pain and deal with it as an agent of positive
change.

Shame and guilt

Another emotion regulated by our society is shame. According to our culture, we

may feel shame, but we are not supposed to talk about it. As a result, many of us have
lost touch with the fact that our lives are filled with experiences of shame. This is
particularly unfortunate for codependents, because, as we will see in this chapter,
codependency is a disease. shame-based shame, and recovery is difficult when what we
need to talk about is something that is not supposed to be revealed or discussed. To
codependents who have reacted to the abuse suffered in their childhood with a pos
arrogant and ostentatious nature, this costs them a lot, because they have almost totally
repressed their shame or never developed it in their childhood.
Shame is an emotion like guilt, pain or joy, but it is unique because it affects our
sense of worth by letting us know that we are imperfect, that we are not the higher power,
which forces us to recognize ourselves and relate to ourselves. empower us with a power
greater than ourselves. So shame primarily influences the feeling of "who we are."
This emotion is extremely powerful. many people People think that the most
powerful emotion is anger, but in my opinion it is shame. Patients who have become
able to identify their own experiences of shame tell me that for them, too, those
experiences are more powerful than anger.
Natural shame (that is, healthy shame) tells us that we are imperfect and that we
are not God. We experience it as a mild to moderate disturbance when we are
surprised Let us make a mistake or be imperfect: "After all, I am only human." Although
it may be strong, its intensity is never overwhelming. Shame alerts us to the fact that we
might be offending someone or ourselves. It "warns" our conscious mind that we have
made a mistake, and that we should correct it or stop what we are doing, because it is
not appropriate.
When we can feel our natural shame, count We have two vital aids for life.
First, become aware The knowledge that we are not perfect lets us know that we
must be accountable and allows us to relate intimately with other people, not from a
supposedly superior position. Second, being aware of when our natural shame tells
us that we are not the higher power allows us to be sufficiently spiritual. ritualistic
and humble enough to receive help from the true higher power. Shame is a built-in
regulator that with infatuation with our abilities controls us, and prevents us from
forgetting let us give our condition as created beings, who are not the Creator. The
ability to address our own shame allows us to become sensitive and free spiritual
beings. In my opinion, contact with one's own spirituality is essential for recovery
with a twelve-step program. First of all, all these steps have to do with responsibility
or spirituality. But beyond that, authentic spirituality is about being accepted, loved,
and valued in a relationship with ultimate reality: our value and self-acceptance are
verified in experience when we relate to truth itself.
Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling or cramping in the abdomen from an action or
thought that violates our value systems, while also feeling that something has gone

65
wrong. Guilt is often confused with natural shame, which is experienced as
embarrassment, embarrassment, and perhaps a blush on the face, accompanied by a
feeling of fallibility.
For example, I feel guilt and experience that cramp in my abdomen when I tell a
lie, because telling the truth is one of my values. I feel embarrassed or embarrassed if
someone sees me trip when I go down the stairs. I have not trans In this case, I have
added a value, but I have only made an error noticed by someone else. If someone
realizes that I have lied and tells me so, I will not only experience guilt for the lie, but
also shame because someone has noticed my imperfection.
A codependent does not very well know the difference between healthy shame
and guilt, and often believes that he or she has feelings. cough of guilt when in reality
he experiences shame. But, as we have seen in this chapter, these two emotions lead
us to humility and accountability, which is important for life. Each emotion is a vital part
of the range com full of healthy and functional emotions. When the reader is not sure
whether he is experiencing shame or guilt, I suggest he ask himself the following
question: "Have I violated my own rules, or am I just realizing (or is someone realizing)
that I have made a mistake?" »

Induced or transported feelings

When I began working with patients who had significant experiences of

childhood abuse, I noticed unusually intense shame and other overwhelming feelings.
Victims of child abuse stop They reported experiencing shame, pain, fear, and anger
with a strength that far exceeded that apparently appropriate for the adult, non-
abusive situation. These feelings had to be necessarily connected with the previous
experiences. ences of child abuse. The impression began to emerge from the patients'
stories that, as children, they had "picked up" the same strong feelings of the abusers
during the experience. experience of abuse, as if the abuser somehow "indus "jera"
the feelings in the child. Afterwards, he "transported" the induced feelings to his own
adulthood.
I have come to believe that when a caregiver abuses a child, they are out of touch
with their own healthy shame. This is probably because he himself suffers from
overwhelming shame. dora, transported from her own experiences of abuse in
childhood. If the caregiver could feel healthy shame, they would stop abusing the child.
As a result of being abused ted by a shame-filled but disconnected parent, the child
somehow develops a core of shame induced by that parent during the abuse.
The theory of electrical circuits provides us with an useful logic. When alternating
current passes through one coil, it induces another current in a second, nearby coil.
Similarly, the intense feelings stirred in an abusive caregiver induce those same
feelings in the victimized child, and they become a core of emotional reality. This
process seems to occur especially with the feeling of shame, but it also occurs with
anger, fear, and pain.
When people experience feelings, they emit energy that others can perceive. I
have noticed that when I am within 18 inches of certain people, it is not necessary I
want them to tell me what they feel. I can sense their anger, their pain or their joy. It is
likely that our feelings They affect ourselves and other people with more power than

66
any other part of our reality, and without us being aware that they do so.
In any case, my clinical experience indicates that these feelings Powerful
thoughts are originally induced in the child in the course of the abuse. Later, when the
survivors of abuse are adults, the same feelings they absorbed in childhood reappear
but without being recognized as such; They seem to manifest as overwhelming
emotional reactions to present events. The induction of feelings in the child can occur
when the caregiver commits passive abuse (for example, abandonment and neglect) or
active abuse (for example, physical beating or verbal attack).

The reality of transported feelings: an

overwhelming experience

One difference between transported feelings and healthy feelings is that the
former are overwhelmed res, while our own feelings, not induced, never are, despite
their possible intensity. When I experienced We feel transported anger, we are
furious; When we experience transported fear, we have panic attacks and paranoia
attacks; when we experience transpor ted or induced, we fall into a helpless
depression and pro foundation, and we may be plagued by suicidal thoughts.
Carried shame tells us that “we are worth less.”
Those dependent on chemical substances can die as a result of their addiction
if they do not intervene first. Codependents die by suicide, by "accident," by physical
or medical self-neglect, or by the terrible experience of never truly living one's life,
which is a form of death. Depressed codependents do not take care of themselves
when they are away. They develop symptoms of physical illness, or become
"careless" and have accidents that can be fatal.
In table III we see the healthy feelings, and the healthy feelings transported or
induced cough.
Table III: Experience of healthy feelings and
transported feelings

Experience of one's Experience of induced or

Reality of feelings
own feelings transported feelings

Feeling of power and

Anger Rage
energy

Feeling of protection
Fear Panic or paranoia
and wisdom

Awareness of growth Helplessness and

Pain
and healing depression

Humility and Feeling of being less

awareness of one's Shame than others, of being
own fallibility worthless

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 The experience of transported shame

I believe that shame can be a gift from God or an inheritance from abuse.
When it is a gift from God, our vision Natural wisdom makes us aware that we are
fallible. But as a legacy of abuse, it has to do with the devastating and disabling
experience of transported and induced shame, because this shame reduces our
sense of intrinsic value, making us feel less than others.
It's not just a matter of feeling imperfect and responsible (as in the case of
natural shame). We have an experience much deeper sense of “less-than.” Maybe we
feel We are mortified, unworthy and horrible. When we experience induced or
transported shame, we don't want to see anyone, or be seen by anyone. We cannot
look people in the eye or speak to them without feeling agonizing shame. We
sometimes feel "lost," and often "crazy" when we sink into these experiences of
transported shame.
I call the encounter with transported shame a “shame attack.” In an attack
of shame one feels that one's body becomes smaller. Maybe he blushes, wants to
escape seem, run away or get under the chair. We have the impression that
everyone is looking at us. Nausea, vertigo or other strange sensations are also
common. You may begin to speak in a small, childlike voice. And the tendency
appears to "replay the scene" mentally, so the shame will be greater the next
time. In general, the attack of shame is a horrible feeling of inadequacy.

How feelings are induced in the child

We learn to experience an emotional reality indu cide as a result of abuse. The

principle is this: Whenever a primary caregiver abuses a child while DENYING or
NOT TAKING CHARGE of their own emotional reality Ultimately, it is very likely that
this reality is induced in the child, who is overwhelmed by it. The only thing capable
of stopping this transfer of feelings would be for the child to have a sys appropriate
internal boundary issue; However, children's internal limits are not fully developed
nor can they prevent them from absorbing the feelings of the adult offender.
In an abusive home, caregivers act irresponsibly responsible and reiterated with
their feelings or deny them. These then flow to the child and become part of his
emotional core.
Shame is the primary feeling transmitted to the child. I believe this because
abusing a defenseless child is “shameless.” zated. A shameless person denies their
own shame, which is passed directly to the child. The shame of childbearing ture
generates in her a feeling of fallibility, but when the shame of the parent is added, an
overwhelming feeling appears. sation of worthlessness, of "badness" and inability.
In a family system, even if it is functional, parents do not always do what is best
for their children. No parent is fect, and any parent or caregiver is likely to be less than
nurturing at times. But in a functional system, parents are held accountable for not
acting in the child's best interest. They experience their imperfection—and their natural
shame. ra — and apologize to the child, freeing him from the overwhelming shame and

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sense of worthlessness.
In contrast, when parents in a dysfunctional system repeatedly deny or fail to
address their own feelings of shame, the child becomes increasingly
disproportionately ashamed. He develops a shame-induced core (which I call the
“shame core”) that constantly tells the child (and later the adult) that he is worth less
than other people.
This message — “you are worth less than others” — forms the basis of the first
symptom of dependency, the difficulty in experiencing adequate levels of self-esteem, and
is, in my opinion, the heart of codependency. For this reason, codependency is called a
shame-based disease.

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 Repeated abuse creates the core of shame in the child

Main carer
(without
shame)

valuable
child
Shame, anger, fear, core of shame
transported pain

The emotional condition of the abusive caregiver

Dysfunctional caregivers are people with a foundation of shame. They cannot

feel their own natural shame because it is repressed and covered by the core of shame
induced in them by their own caregivers. A person controlled by a core of transported
shame is less than nurturing with his or her own children.
These caregivers constantly try to gather external esteem in the environment,
to counteract the feeling of worthlessness generated by the core of induced shame.
When a child makes a mistake in public, for example, the parent suffers an attack of
shame at his child's behavior, and this results in chain the abusive reaction with the
child.
In my opinion, shame-based parents are rarely adequate parents. They abuse
the child, either with direct attacks or through neglect and abandonment. I donate.

How other feelings can be transmitted during

abuse

The child can absorb more feelings into the core of seeing güenza, if the caregiver
denies them or does not assume them. When little Glenda spills milk on the table, her
dad gets angry. pray He punishes her at that moment, while she is still angry. zated; he
yells at her, so that the girl receives a good dose of the father's fury, as well as the
shame. If this was an experience recurrent experience in her childhood, adult Glenda's
psychologist could find that she still carries a lot of anger in her core of shame.
It is also possible to induce pain. For example, the mother sees the father angry
because Glenda spilled the milk. On one level, the mother understands that this is
unacceptable to her. She herself has a lot of pain and fears of her own, but instead of
using those feelings to protect her daughter, she represses them, so she doesn't deal
with them. If Glenda is close to the mother and realizes that the woman is not going to
protect Gerla absorbs the fear and pain that her mother does not assume, in addition to

70
the anger and shame she receives from her father. I hope it is becoming clear why the
exaggerated feelings of codependents in the present are so disconcerting and out of
proportion to what is happening around them.
I note that there is no way to prove it, but in therapy many codependents report
experiencing feelings that fit this description. I have found that it is helpful to bring to
light how the two pros were involved in the abuse. genitors.
In another example of pain transference, a woman continually complains to her
daughter, crying and moaning, about what she hasn't seen. güenza that he is the father of
the girl, and how difficult life is for her. After complaining, the mother inexplicably feels
better. But, at the same time, the daughter begins to experience grieve the pain of his
mother's unhappy life. When she grows up, she carries irrational pain within her core of
shame, and she has no idea what makes her suffer. Before starting her therapy, this
daughter spent a lot of time trying to remedy the pain, fear, and anger of other people, in
the hopes of quieting those feelings in herself.
A parent who does not perceive his fear of abusing the child can induce fear in
the child. The mother of one of my clients had beaten her from a very young age, until
she was around four years old. Then he stopped doing it, only because of the oppo
firm position of the family. When the girl grew up and went to therapy, she
experienced terrible fear much of the time. Finally, I could see that she had absorbed
the mother's fear of harming her while hitting her, a feeling that the woman herself had
no contact with.
I have observed that I can induce feelings in my own children. I remember one day
I was standing at the kitchen sink, enraged because my husband, Pat, had just bought
another used car and parked it in the yard. I did not like it.
Then one of my children came in, and after looking at me he asked: "Mom, are
you angry?"
"No, I'm not angry, son," I replied.
He insisted several times, and I repeated the same answer. Now, since I
denied my anger, who did I spread it to? To my son. About ten minutes later he
started fighting with his brother, with anger that I did not face. Whenever I deny my
emotional reality, my children pick it up if they are around.
What I should have told him is: “Yes, I'm angry, but it's not because of you. "I'm
angry about the used car parked next to the garden." That way he would have
acknowledged my feelings, and he could have continued playing, relieved of his
concern for me.
If children are repeatedly abused in different ways sonas, shame can be
transmitted to them by more than one cui giver Or, in a single act of abuse the child may
be overwhelmed by several feelings (as was the case with Glenda). If incidents of abuse
are repeated, the core of shame becomes large, and the feelings of the adult
codependent may become almost completely dominated by the reality of the transported
or induced feelings. This results in a feeling of being crazy, and a degree of
codependency that is very difficult to treat. The existence of multiple abusers, a high
frequency of abuse and the induction of several feelings at the same time, are factors
that equally complicate the therapeutic task of separating feelings and thoughts.

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distorted thoughts.

What generates feelings?

There are several explanatory models for the origin of our emotions, but one of
them is very useful for examining a factor that accentuates the damage to our
emotional reality. In addition to the fact that we currently carry feelings induced in us
during childhood, the fact that our emotions tions are generated by our thoughts also
influences our damaged and exaggerated emotional reality. This process of
generating feelings, based on the way we interpret the events that occur around us,
automatically creates problems for the codependent, who has a way of thinking
damaged by the experience of child abuse. The process of attributing meaning to the
events of our Every life becomes distorted and the conclusions it often draws Our
thoughts are inaccurate, but we believe our thoughts are correct. In reality, it seems to
other people that we respond to their actions in a strange way. Ghent.
In the process of generating thoughts, we first take some data collected by the
senses to our inner world. For example, we hear a remark or perceive someone's gaze.
To process this data, we start thinking. We draw conclusions, make interpretations,
and make sense of what we have heard or seen (or touched, smelled, or tasted).
As a consequence of what we think, our emotions arise. And as a result of
such emotions, we choose a behavior. If I interpret the observation I have heard as
criticism, I may get angry and respond with a sarcastic comment, or I may be afraid
and distance myself from the relationship with the person in question. If I take
someone's look to mean that they disapprove of me, I may feel embarrassed and
start trying to please that person. In both cases I, as a codependent, feel pain or
sorrow due to my interpretation, which perceives a personal criticism. But suppose I
interpret the same remark as a compliment, in the form of a joke, addressed to
me by someone who loves me. That interpretation of the observation will lead
me to laugh or feel joy instead of pain; The emotions have changed because my
thinking has changed.

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 Table IV: How thinking affects feelings and behavior

Data Thoughts Feelings Conduct

Observation Criticism Anger sarcastic

response
The same Criticism Fear Fold
observation
The same cordial friendship Happiness Laughter
observation

Look Disapproval Shame Pleasing people

We cannot cancel our emotions. We feel what you feel scams In fact, it is
dysfunctional to try not to be angry or not to be afraid, when this is what we feel. To
deal with an emotion we must recognize that we experience it and learn to express it
appropriately. But we can examine the thought lie that leads us to feel that emotion.
Of course, I realize that, after having experienced reinforced a feeling, we can
often choose one with different behavior. For example, even if you feel anger at the
observation vation that has been done to me, I can keep my mouth shut and not
mistreat others with my sarcasm. But a great amount of anger will remain inside me,
which I would not experience if my thinking had been accurate and I had understood
that the remark was not a criticism but a compliment. It seems to me that, to reduce
the intensity of emotions, examining our thinking is much more effective than
changing our behavior. However, I firmly believe that we must also try to express
deal with emotions with healthy, non-abusive behaviors, whatever triggers them.
What I rarely understand as a codependent is that, due to the abuse I suffered in
childhood, I tend to give an inter negative interpretation to the data, even when the
positive interpretation may be much more accurate. My husband has succinctly
described how my distorted thinking leads me to irrational emotional outbursts.
(Actually, according to him, this is not exactly what he said, but it is what I heard.)
"Pia, you can collect good data, but after going through your problem mental process,
in no way reflect reality. "I don't know how you attribute this meaning to what I just
said and did."
I "transform" the data by passing it through the filter of my past as an abused
child. In my mind I give perceptions a very different meaning than a functional person
would attribute to them. For example, when someone gives me a genuine compliment,
because of my history of abuse I may turn it into a subtle insult, labeling the remark as
sarcasm. To make matters worse, I have no idea that I do that; I think my brain is
working per fectly. I think it was really sarcasm, at least until there is overwhelming
evidence to the contrary.
If we also take into account the fact that we act from that emotional reality
based on a different thought twisted, it is easy to notice that automatic
codependents We mentally create problems for ourselves and at the same time we

73
don't realize that we have them. We believe we are working with all evil
Consequently, our relationship with a more high-functioning person can be
chaotic for that person and for us. And to make matters worse, it seems to us that
it is "the other" who acts strangely, or is unreasonable or hypercritical.

Codependents are structured to abuse our children

against our will.

The core of shame, our burden of trans feelings behaviors and our distorted
thinking determine that we experience a lot of pain and confusion, isolation and
loneliness in our adult lives as codependents. Just as the core of shame, the burden
of transported feelings and the pen distorted understanding of our dysfunctional
caregivers prevented them from acting for our good and supporting us in our
childhood development, it is clear that, almost certainly, they also As parents, we will
only be able to functionally and supportively care for our children until we confront
our own codependency and begin recovery. No matter how angry we are about what
happened to us, no matter how much we want to give our children loving support.
that we never had, we are practically powerless to do so if we continue to deny our
symptoms and their effect on others. The next chapter describes how we are likely to
pass codependency on to our own children.

7 - FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION

Although the roots of codependency are in the experiences childhood abuse,
which perpetuates genetic disease ration in generation is the core of shame. Every time
the shame core sends out the message that one is “less than,” the person who receives
it automatically thinks, feels, and behaves. ly as a codependent.
An attack of shame affects a parent, and its consequences What is common is
the abuse inflicted on a child, thereby inducing the shame of the parent. Then the
child grows up and has the same problem. So the parent with a basis of seeing
güenza creates a son with a base of shame, who grows and in turn generates another
creature whose structure will be based on seeing. güenza. And the process continues.
To make things more complex and serious, when the two parents have a basis of
seeing güenza the child receives a double burden. I believe this is the reason why
successive generations suffer more and more anxiety and stress, as they experience
mixed symptoms of codependency.
The following diagram illustrates how the “roots” (childhood abuse) feed the
“generator” of the disorder. lathe (the core of shame), which in turn drives the codepen
dence (through the five core symptoms); Finally, the codependent adult plants the roots
of the illness in his children. age (child abuse again).
Each symptom of codependency leads to specific forms characteristics of
dysfunctional parenting.
Table V: How the core of shame becomes the
generator that drives the disease of codependency

74
 f
f w rom
eed so hat the roots of the
Roots of the disease which
al drives codepen disease in
disease generator they
dence children
result

w f
c
hat rom
create
core of structu nuclear which more child
child abuse the
shame re ture symptoms results abuse

• When we cannot experience self-esteem from within and collect it from

the outside, we are also inca Peace to respect our children properly just
because they are who they are. Instead, we teach them external esteem and
praise them for their performance, their appearance, their grades, and so on.
Also this We are structured to shame them for their mistakes, their
imperfections, and their other normal child traits, since we base our own
esteem on them and their performance.
• When we do not have appropriate boundaries, we are very likely to disregard
the vulnerability of our children (who have no boundaries) and abuse them. We also
don't teach them to develop boundaries — they imitate and then introject our
boundary systems, which is not healthy. With our control we become the god or
goddess of the family, and we hinder the relationship. tion of the child with a power
greater than us. Or we consider another family member (a spouse or child) as our own
higher power, which also It also distorts the child's relationship with a higher power
and his or her ability to have spiritual experiences.
• When we cannot assume and express our own reality physicality, our
thoughts, our feelings and our behavior, we also do not know how to allow our other
children have their own feelings, thoughts, behavior and physical reality. While we
have a responsibility to guide them toward healthy ways of thinking, it is dysfunctional
to tell them that they "can't" or "shouldn't" feel what they feel or think what they think.
It is dysfunctional to shame them excessively or abuse them for the way they want to
look, the way they want to dress or behave. tarse. Healthy parents confront what is
inappropriate firmly, but still provide support, res violating the dignity of the child.
• When we struggle to attend to our adult needs and desires, we also have little
capacity to adequately nourish carefully to our children. Overly dependent parents
often end up teaching their children to satisfy their (the parents') needs instead of
nurturing them. The model presented by antidependent parents suggests that asking
for help is shameful. Often these parents do not teach the child to adequately satisfy

75
their needs, especially those that require the help of another person. And parents who
are blind to their own needs and desires often end up smothering the child, doing
everything for them, in a covert effort to satisfy their own adult needs and desires (of
which they are unaware).
• When we have difficulty experiencing and expressing We use our own reality
in moderation because we are explosive or cold, we do not know how to provide the
child with a stable environment. Whether we are chaotic or overly controlling, our
children do not experience They want a stable home environment in which they can
mature. We may not know what is expected either. rarity of the child at each age, and
therefore does not respond Let us know when you need help acting your age.
Table VI summarizes these effects.

Family secrets are repeated

Adult codependency can also affect their children in another way: children
express any "Secrets" or questions unaddressed tion of the parental abuse
experience. For example, if a mother was sexually abused at age 15, became
pregnant and had to have an abortion, but never spoke to anyone or addressed her
emotional plot with those around her, the daughter may also end up pregnant and
trying to have an abortion surreptitiously. as if to indicate to the world that "in this
family there is a problem of sexual abuse." A boy may become the neighborhood
voyeur , reflecting the fact that the father never confronted his childhood experience
of sexual abuse. This may seem strange, but in my practice I see it often. In this
disease there are many sexual secrets.
I believe this surprising but common phenomenon is related tioned with
deteriorated boundaries. It is not that the child can magically and consciously
understand and represent keep the secret of the parent. But since neither the child nor
the parent have developed boundaries, the former sees or feels that the latter, in some
covert way, is behaving in an inappropriate way regarding his sexuality (because he
has never elaborated on his experience of abuse). The child repeats a similar behavior,
at first with little or no idea that the behavior (for example, looking into neighborhood
bedroom windows) is inappropriate, or else driven by an inexplicable inner impulse
that pushes him or her to ignore the signs. family rules and to carry out the sexual act
regardless (a girl who sleeps with her boyfriend or with an adult "friend"). Other times,
the fact that the child has such a secret sexual relationship is not because of
ignorance of appropriate behavior, nor because of some mysterious inner impulse, but
because the parent remains a victim. tima. A small child can be abused by a baby-sitter
chosen by the father and who has his trust; It turns out that this father, in his own
childhood, had also been the object of sexual abuse by a baby-sitter.
Table VI. How core symptoms lead to less than
nurturing parenting

Nuclear symptoms of codependency Effects on our children

76
 Difficulty experiencing adequate levels of
Inability to adequately value our children
self-esteem

Inability not to violate our children's

Difficulty establishing functional limits
limits

Difficulty in assuming and expressing our Inability to allow our children to have
own reality and imperfection their reality and be imperfect

Inability to adequately nourish our

Difficulty meeting our adult needs and
children and teach them to satisfy their
desires
own needs and desires

Difficulty experiencing and expressing Inability to provide our children with a

our reality in moderation stable environment

The family secret may be of another kind (for example, theft, alcoholism, or
vandalism), but it still surfaces again and again in the family history. And although
reason reveals itself and tells us that we cannot be certain how this phenomenon
occurs, but only that it appears often, I believe that we experience it. Unaddressed
abuse and lack of boundaries have a relationship deep connection with the
unconscious transmission of family secrets that are repeated generation after
generation.

What constitutes “less-than-nurturing” experiences?

Until now, we have talked in general terms about dysfunctional parenting and
“less-than-nurturing” or abusive experiences. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional
abuse, intellectual abuse and spiritual abuse can equally activate the process of
creating shame in the child, which generates codependency in the adult. The third part
contains a detailed description of each of these forms of evil. deal.
At the end of this chapter, Table VII summarizes the complete development of
codependency from the natural characteristics of the child, through survival traits and
core symptoms; It also includes the way in which the code Pendencia affects the
adults who suffer from it and the children that we codependents raise .

Codependent survival traits tolerated by society

It is important to note that the survival traits that develop in children are at one
or the other of two opposite extremes, as are the adult symptoms of codependency.
Inc. Our society believes that people who exhibit the characteristics of one of the
extremes — arrogance, invulnerability, perfectionism, anti-dependence, and self-
control — are healthy, well-adjusted adults. However, the pain in their lives as a result
of unsatisfying relationships and careers, depression, and other problems would
indicate that they are not functioning adults. I believe that the people who present As
survival traits at either extreme, they suffer from codependency equally .

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 Table VII: Overview of codependency

Natural Distorted sense of self Dysfunctional

Dysfunctional survival Nuclear symptoms of
characteristics of and dysfunctional parenting with our
traits adult codependency
the child relationships** children

Difficulty to experience Negative control lar the Inability to learn

"Less-than" or "better-
Valuable foster adequate levels of reality of others for our educate our children
than"*
self-esteem own venience) properly

Resentment (need to
Inability to see push
Too vulnerable or Difficulty establishing punish others for
Vulnerable the limits of our
invulnerable* functional limits wrongs that, according
children
to we receive, we have
been made)
Distortion Spirituality
Inability to permit
Difficulty in assuming nothing or non-existent
Bad/rebellious or that our children
Imperfect and expressing our own (diffi culture to
good/perfect* have gain your reality
reality and imperfection experience connection
and be imperfect
with a power greater
than one's own)

Avoidance of reality
Too much depend tooth
(use of addictions, in Inability to
Dependent: has or antidepen tooth, or Difficulty meeting adult
physical or mental adequately nourish
needs and desires insensitive to their needs needs and desires
illnesses to avoid our our three children
and desires
reality)

Impaired intimacy
Difficulty to experience (difficulty Inability to
Extremely in mature
mention and express communicating to tell proportion provide
Immature (chaotic) or overripe
our reality with others who I am and to our children with a
(controlling)*
moderation tion listen to them when stable environment
they tell me)

* Our culture believes that the “better-than”, invulnerable, perfectionist, anti-dependent and controlling person is
healthy. But in reality these are characteristics of codependency, much more difficult to deal with than those at the other
end of the spectrum (-less-than, too vulnerable, rebellious, too dependent and chaotic). -
** In this column the lack of horizontal divisions indicates that these elements are not related one by one to the
different horizontal bands. zontal, but rather result from any combination of core symptoms and lead to any of the
dysfunctional components of parenting.

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79
 III – PART
THE ROOTS OF CODEPENDENCY

8.- H OW TO DEAL WITH ABUSE

Since codependency is the result of a dysfunctional parenting attitude that

abuses the child's normal characteristics through harmful actions or through
inattention, recovery involves reviewing one's own past to identify the formative
early life experiences that were " less-than-nutritious” or abusive. Understanding
our history well is the second vital step in the process of recovery from
codependency — facing its existence in our lives is the first.
As we go through our early experiences, we must Let us remember the broad
definition we have given of abuse: any “less-than-nurturing” or embarrassing
experience. Just because certain parenting behavior is considered culturally
acceptable does not mean that it is actually nurturing to the child. If you feel that a
certain incident embarrassed you inordinately, even if it was due to a type of
behavior practiced by "most parents," it probably really was an abusive situation.

Some guidelines for evaluating one's own history

The following are guidelines that help understand one's own history.
1. Consider each year of your life from birth. I live until the age of seventeen.
2. As you recall your story, identify the acts that caused you shame, and who
did them. Those who most often have power over a creature and the ability
to abuse it are the primary caregivers (proge guardians, substitute parents,
adoptive or political parents). They could also have been grandparents,
adoptive grandparents and politicians. But the perpetrators of the abuse are
sometimes older siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins and other members. family
bros. The abuser may be a priest, a nun, a babysitter, a Boy Scout leader, a
teacher, a Sunday school instructor, or a sports coach. Some of the
grossest incidents acts of sexual abuse that the men have revealed in
therapy were perpetrated, precisely, between swimmers in the locker rooms.
The child may also be abused by strangers.
3. It is very important not to focus on whether the person who committed the
abuse intended to do harm or not. When it comes to understanding one's
own history, it is not the intention that counts. According to my experience
Actually, most primary caregivers who abuse children do not intend to do
so. When considering whether or not a caregiver intended to harm, one may
be trying to deny or minimize mite the abuse of which you have been a
victim. You probably won't write down these "doubtful" incidents or talk
about them. But abuse is abuse. Any abuse, deliberate or not, has negative

80
 effects on the child. Adults are generally more aware of abuse that they
know was intentional; Unintentional abuse is harder to bring to light and
accept as part of our history. So, when we walk through our past to identify
abusive incidents, I forgot let's give ourselves the intention.
4. Hold your abuser accountable, but don't blame him. He proposed The point of
recognizing what really happened to you is to put an end to the unconscious
conspiracy that seeks to hide the abusive behavior in your family. The goal is
to hold primary caregivers mentally responsible. pales, to separate the abuse
from the valuable child who experienced it he laughed. Holding caregivers
accountable does not mean accusing them of anything. It only means
assuming one's own perception. tion regarding what happened, and make
contact with the rea emotional ity that followed the “less-than-nutritious”
events.
An accusatory mentality leads us to the process of accusation. Blaming
means that one believes that one's pro problem is because someone did
something to it, and that's where it ends. It is as if we were saying, “I am who
I am because of what you did to me, and I cannot change. It's your fault. "I'm
going to focus on what you did to me, and I'm not going to get out of it." By
placing blame we tie ourselves to the person who abused us, and this makes
us continue to depend on them to change so that we can recover. Thus
power is given to the offender and the victim is left helpless, unable to
protect herself or change. The person who places the blame is likely to
remain attached to the illness and even make it worse.
Taking responsibility means that you acknowledge what happened and who did
it, but that you are able to protect yourself and make the changes necessary to
recover from past abuse. This process allows us to begin recovery and create
tools to cope with life, whether the offender changes or not.
5. Avoid comparing your story to someone else's. These friends rations can
quickly lead to minimization and denial of the problem. Wendy compares
Janet's list to her own and says, "Janet went terribly wrong." treated. I'm not
even going to talk about what happened to me. "It cannot be compared."
Whatever happened to you, it is important. If you are embarrassed, write
Balo And remember that there is a strong tendency to mini mite all the
shameful things our parents may have done.
6. When you tell your story, exclude four words from your vocabulary: good,
bad, right, wrong. These shovel words involve judgments, and when used in
this way text, make it difficult to hold others responsible for what they did.
We fear judging them as “bad” people who do “wrong” things.
Instead of "bad" or "wrong," when describing painful, shameful behavior that is
contrary to the child's good, it is convenient to use the term "dysfunctional." And
to refer to the behaviors that were useful to us in childhood, that were nourishing
and that helped us feel good about ourselves, let's use the word "functional",
instead of "correct" or "good."
7. Focus on your caregivers, and not on yourself as a caregiver. Although you also
have to take the responsibility responsibility for your own dysfunctional

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 parenting attitude, at this moment bring attention to your res The impact of your
children can hinder recovery, because by thinking so much about "how horrible I
am," you may overlook your experiences of childhood abuse. And it is the
encounter with those experiences that will lead to recovery as a person and as a
parent. When someone takes the position of “I am the cause of all these
problems for my children,” they become “stuck” to the illness and continue to
activate the shame that the parents poured on them during the abuse. I took care
of them Givers often blame the child, saying, for example, in the course of the
abuse: "You make me hit you (abuse you). "If you hadn't come home late from
school, I wouldn't have to do this." When the parent (without feeling shame)
blames the child for his or her own abusive behavior, the child probably believes
that he or she is responsible, and also experiences the adult's shame as an
overwhelming sense of inadequacy. There may be guilt for having violated a rule
considered valuable by the parent, but the overwhelming shame comes from the
fact that the parent takes advantage of the child's fallibility to shame him or her.
Then, after having grown up and started trying to recover one's own history
Tory, one can feel that shame transported and turn away from what the
caregivers have done to him, to Consider what type of caregiver you have been
and continue nuar blaming himself as he had been blamed as a child. A child is
shamed excessively when his or her own sense of worth as a human being is
diminished, and I believe that anything experienced as "being shamed
excessively" is abuse, whether viewed as such or not, from a perspective.
cultural point of view. Adults find it difficult to cope with the feeling of
transported shame, but it often leads them to influence parts of your story that
turn out to be specifi cases of abuse. And acknowledging abuse is vital to
recovering from codependency.
8. Reviewing the five categories of abuse by primary caregivers detailed in
Chapter heading below (physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and
spiritual abuse), keep in mind the fact that abuse can also occur when
children are shamed by their peers or by society.
First, a child who is born with an unusual physical trait child or defect is
often the victim of abuse from other children. This trait may include having
large ears or feet, being toothy, very tall and thin or short and fat, or having
some physical handicap, such as a large birthmark on the face, a deformed
hand, or a illness that requires the use of canes or a wheelchair. This type of
body shame can hinder sexuality. ity in adulthood.
Second, a child who belongs to a racial minority (be it black, Arab, South
American, Gypsy, etc.: any minority race in the social environment in which
he or she was raised) ture grows) can be attacked and shamed for that fact.
A third characteristic that can make a child a target for peer abuse (and this
is also beyond his or her control) is his or her self-awareness. ity, at an
early age, that he has a sexual orientation or preference different from the
majority, and that he is homosexual. Some people have told me that from a
very early age they knew they were homosexual, although they did not
know this word. They felt very different tes. When they finally identified this
"difference" and perceived the general negative judgment that in our

82
 culture ture raises homosexuality, "society" shames them he enjoyed it,
even though he hadn't proposed it.

Reviewing our history is a requirement for recovery

There are at least three reasons to examine our The past is vitally necessary
for recovery, and those who do not do so cannot be cured. One reason is that by
bringing up these childhood incidents and remembering them, we can begin to see
how specifically we have been affected by the parental action we were subjected to.
A second reason is that, to recover, we have to purge from our bodies the reality of
the childish feelings raised by the fact that we were mistreated. The only way to
connect the reality of feelings with what happened is to know what happened. Final
Mind you, the third reason is that one of the well-documented characteristics of
people raised in dysfunctional families is that, as adults, we often choose to
associate with people who create the same emotional atmosphere as our family of
origin. If we do not step back and consider what happened, it will be virtually
impossible for us to perceive the dysfunctional dynamics unfolding in our pre-
family. sit.
But most people can't remember their entire history, and sometimes they
stumble upon gaps that span certain years. What does it mean to have those gaps
in memory?

9 - DEFENSES AGAINST RECOGNITION OF ABUSE

Some patients come for treatment and understand that there are blank areas in
their memory related to certain years of their childhood. They may not be able to
remember anything before they were six years old or what happened to them between
the ages of five and seven, but they can remember the events before and after. As we
will see, one of the ways that children defend themselves against overwhelming
experiences. doras consists of sweetening memories, to make them more pleasant, or
expelling them from consciousness, using a multiplicity of titude of protective
resources called defense mechanisms

Defense mechanisms

Defense mechanisms are the methods a healthy mind uses to avoid being
overwhelmed by painful or threatening experiences. An example is the temporary
stupor that blocks our feelings after the unexpected death of a loved one. Under
normal conditions, the defense mechanism will stop acting at the appropriate time,
allowing the grieving person to experience their own emotions. But when it
permanently distorts or hides feelings, it becomes difficult for the individual to see
and experience the real thing. ity of its history.
Those of us who have grown up in dysfunctional families, to survive and
reach adulthood, had to use those defenses. sas, in order to block abusive
experiences and too much pain sas. Those defenses could have worked very well
when we were children, and we probably owe them some trouble. sanity, emotional

83
stability or even life, while we were growing up. Without them we could have sui
deceased, fallen into a mental illness or perhaps there is no even experienced our
childhood, in one way or another. But as adults, these useful and life-saving
defenses often surpass the necessary protective function and become a barrier.
rigid falls that prevent us from seeing the adult symptoms of codependency that
threaten our self.
A clear understanding of what is happening in our lives and the ability to talk
about it are essential to confront codependency and enter recovery. Therefore, we
have to know those defense mechanisms and how they know have clear knowledge of
our current lives.
In this book I will examine six psycho defense mechanisms logic. The first three
(repression, suppression, and the deeper defense of dissociation) begin to be used
primarily in childhood, when we have overwhelming experiences. However, if they
continue to operate into adulthood they override much of our history in the conscious
mind. The defenses of minimization, problem denial, and self-deception are what seem
to muddy the waters the most today when, as codependent adults, we try to evaluate
our feelings. tra codependency and go back to memories of the past to reconstruct our
history.

Causes of behavior that creates confusion or discomfort

When defense mechanisms block memories related to the abusive family of

origin, we may grow up to marry someone very similar to the opposite-sex parent who
abused us — but we do not realize that this is the case. If we have distorted or blocked
some or all of the memories from growing up, we will be blind to any resemblance
between a prospective spouse and the abusive parent. sive. Due to the action of defense
mechanisms, we do not realize that we have married someone who helps us reproduce,
in whole or in part, the abusive family system in which we have grown up. Furthermore,
since we do not perceive the reality of our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors as
adults immersed in an abusive relationship, the defense mechanism also does not allow
us to understand and act on the basis that we have different responses to seemingly
bogged down situations available to us. Instead, we believe we are crazy; This is the
main complaint that most code problems they present when they first ask for help. «I
feel like I'm crazy. Something is disconnected. Defense mechanisms disconnect us from
the reality of our lives.
Lack of access to our history or a distorted version Nothing about it contributes
to generating that feeling of madness. To begin to free yourself from this feeling and the
impression that we are controlled by our past, it is helpful to have a clear picture of our
history. Knowing these defense mechanisms can help us identify them and notice how
they prevent us from seeing not only our history but also our feelings. Tomas and our
present indocility.

Repression, suppression and dissociation

Repression, suppression, and dissociation are mechanisms that children apply

to their traumatic experiences of abuse. These mechanisms exclude an experience
from conscious memory. experience that would otherwise overwhelm the child. Such

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traumatic experiences, if this process were not undergone, would cause so much fear
and fear in the child who has received abuse that he or she would not be able to bear
them. If we have blank spaces in our history, we may have had to resort to one of these
three mechanisms to protect ourselves.
Repression is the automatic, unconscious forgetting of things that are too painful
to remember. Suppression is the decision conscious sion of forgetting. Dissociation
means that the child, during the abusive act, psychologically separates “the person he
or she is” from his or her body and takes that inner self to some place from which the
abuse cannot be seen, heard, touched, or experienced. lie in any way. Children
commonly reserve dissociation to survive abuse that they feel is life-threatening. In
situations such as incest, sexual abuse, or severe beating, the child fears that "what he
is," or his body, will be destroyed.
In repression, painful and fearful memories automatically pass to the
unconscious mind, where we practice mind are lost. As an adult, the person who has
repressed an incident cannot recover this material through an act of conscious will;
You simply don't have access to it. On the other hand, suppressed material can often
be remembered, since the act of suppression is largely the result of conscious
intention.
For example, as a child, Brad sees his father hit his mother, who is left lying on
the floor with a bloody face. If you use repression in this situation, you will not be able
to remember the beating later. On the other hand, if you delete the same scene, you
say to yourself, "This is too terrible to remember, and I'm going to forget it." And so
he does it. In both cases, the child did not lose control cognitive science during the
abuse, and she had the full experience: she saw it, she knew how she felt about it, and
she thought something.
In both cases the information about the scene enters the unconscious mind, but
if Brad uses repression, the material disappears without him knowing it, and he can no
longer remember it even if he wants to (in childhood or as an adult). On the other hand,
the supri measured can often be remembered through conscious effort. cient, or when
you read texts about abuse and understand that adult symptoms indicate that
something abusive happened in childhood, so you think carefully about it.
When Brad arrives at therapy, as an “adult child,” he prepares He feels in a way
that shows that he still employs those defenses of repression and suppression. The
clue is that, when I ask him to tell me about his childhood, he either doesn't have any
story. childish ria or it is a very fragmented story. He doesn't remember some years,
some periods, some things related to a certain person, or he says something like: "I
don't remember anything, Pia. How can I tell you my story, if I don't have a story?
But when I talk to him about different types of abuse, Brad may suddenly
experience a suppressed memory return, and exclaim, "My God, that same thing
happened to me!" I had completely forgotten! ». So if he receives some outside help,
such as attending a conference, reading a book about child abuse, or being in a
group with someone who had similar experiences, Brad's unconscious mind may
begin to give him his own suppressed story. .
Dissociation excludes an event from the conscious mind It affects the child as
completely as repression does, and occurs when the child's body remains where it is

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and continues to receive the abuse, but emotionally and mentally the child "leaves."
Although he experiences physical pain and his body continues to be abused,
emotionally and mentally the child is absent and does not "feel" anything. On the other
hand, in repression and suppression, the child continues to experience the full force of
the abuse, as it affects the physical area, the mental area and the emotional area.
During a dissociative experience, the child's mind usually performs one of at
least three possible shifts (there may be more). Each of them puts the creature more
at risk. I keep it, in a place more difficult to reach than the previous one. The first
movement consists of moving horizontally and lying, sitting or standing next to one's
own body, observing I see what happens a little but without feeling anything. In the
second scroll, the creature moves vertically and floats above the scene; He looks at
her but doesn't feel anything either. In the third, the little one disappears into himself,
isolating himself from all sensation. visual, tactile or auditory sation. Patients often
say it is like being in a black hole. If the child has made this third displacement, in
subsequent therapy it is very difficult to recover the memory. I believe this third
resource is reserved for extreme forms of abuse.
As an adult seeking therapy, the person who had a dissociative experience is
very similar to the person who used repression. There are gaps in the memory of its
history. But the "adult child" can recover the memory of an abusive childhood
experience through spontaneous regression.
It would be very rare for someone to have a spontaneous regression. nea as
you read what we say in this book about abuse, but I will describe what it is, so the
reader knows. A return Spontaneous sion is a process that allows us to recover
memories two lost in dissociation. It almost always occurs in a therapeutic situation,
with the guidance of a counselor. It could happen in a group therapy setting when the
content of the session triggers a dissociated memory in someone, in the way implied
by the word "spontaneous." But the most common thing is that it is an experience
that is carried out with the guidance of a counselor who uses therapeutic techniques.
During a spontaneous regression, the individual is somehow transported back
to his or her past history, so that he or she can experience it again. dramatically
reenact a traumatic childhood event useful In the common exchange of therapeutic
recovery, the recovery of repressed or suppressed memories may be a more
independent mental experience, but people who experience a spontaneous
regression, while sitting with their eyes closed, have the sensation of reliving the
event, with the same intense feelings of the original situation ginal, and the body
contorted in movements almost identical to those they made as children when trying
to avoid pain. Since the unconscious mind has no sense of chronological time
Logically, when the memory of the abuse returns, the patient is mentally transported
to the moment in which it happened. Thus, the cure tion of the pain caused by the
event of the past can be done in the context in which that event occurred. The patient
experiences the abusive event again as if he were the same age in the present as he
was at that moment. Afterwards, the child returns to adulthood in the office.
Sometimes individuals dissociate again during regression. sion, but the
difference between the original dissociation and the one carried out in the course of a
therapeutic regression is that the latter has the support and help of the therapist, and
afterwards you will be able to remember what happened, even if you have missed it.

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gave some of the facts.
Of course, how the patient perceives the abuse with the senses (sight, hearing,
smell, etc.) of childhood, the specific details Scientists may appear confused or
distorted. But what is important for therapy is that there was some type of abuse that
filled the child with induced feelings that still disable him as an adult.
Trying to recover dissociated memories with a "sponsor" or untrained friend is
dangerous and should be avoided. Although a therapeutically induced regression is an
experience frightening experience, it is also a wonderful therapeutic process to recover
taboo memories, loaded with disabling fear, pain, anger and shame.

Minimization, denial of the problem and self-deception

In therapy we often encounter material that threatens the self or the addiction;
This material "disappears" and we cannot remember it, even during a specific
confrontation. The defenses of minimization, problem denial, and self Deception can
lead us to distort the opinion we have of our present behavior, and not just of our
history.
Minimization means that I reduce the importance of what I do, think, or feel, so
that it seems less serious or bigger. nificant than if it were someone else who did,
thought or felt the same thing. For example, I tell myself that being overwhelmed with
responsibility weaknesses, always tired and irritable because I have compromised Too
much, it's actually not too bad. I tell myself that as soon as I get organized I will be able
to handle the situation. But if you listen When my friend Wanda complains about the
same thing, about not having time for herself, about being exhausted and cranky with
her children, her co-workers, her husband and her friends, because she has
overcommitted herself, I immediately think: « Well, don't you realize you're
overcommitted? Why don't you give Do you take on some of your responsibilities?
"He's going to have a nervous breakdown!" I recognize my own overcommitment, but I
persuade myself that I must accept the havoc it wreaks on my life and how
unmanageable it has become. "Mini mizo» the problem.
In childhood, minimization works as follows. Terry sees the father hitting the
mother. She feels shocked and horrified But she minimizes the fact, saying to herself,
"Well, this happened, and it really hurt me, but it's not so bad after all." The memory of
the event remains in his mind cient. Terry can talk about it, describe it, and he knows
what happened. But he persuades himself that he is not experiencing the full effect of
his emotions, although he vaguely realizes that "something is wrong" with how he feels
about the beating.
Later, when she goes to therapy as an adult and attends my conference on
child abuse, Terry is still likely to use minimization and reduce the severity of the
effect of seeing the father hit the mother. I notice this when he tells me: “I have heard
that it is abusive for a child to see his father hit his mother; "This has happened to
me, but in my case it was not so serious."
We have another common example of minimization when someone accuses an
alcoholic of being drunk. The defendant may maintain and truly believe that he only
had "a couple of drinks" (when in fact he drank a liter of whiskey). That person is
using minimization.
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 But when I deny the problem, I tell myself that there is nothing wrong with my
overcommitted state, even though it would be wrong for someone else. Life is simply like
that, and I must make the best of it. My schedule is not too full; everyone has a lot to do. I
am perfectly aware of what I must do each day, but I do not notice my own feeling. feeling
of being overwhelmed by the anger, fear, and pain that accompany that immense
workload. I deny my own extravagant state of over-commitment. However, I see clearly
that Wanda's life is out of control because of that very problem.
In childhood, Terry's denial of the problem is as follows. He sees that the father
hits the mother, he has the experience abuse, and you say to yourself, "There's really
nothing wrong with this argument between my parents." He has a cognitive awareness
of the beating, but does not experience any feelings, because he "denies" the
seriousness of the events. And as he reaches adulthood, he continues to use denial of
the problem as a defense against the pain of that abuse. Listen to my talk about child
abuse. I could present the example of a girl, whom I call Cindy, who saw her father hit
her mother. When I tell Terry that it is very abusive for a child to be allowed to see one
parent hitting the other, he might respond something like this: "Pia, I agree that seeing
the hitting was abusive to Cindy, but to me case it was not at all.
When denying the problem, an alcoholic accused of being drunk may maintain
that drinking a liter of whiskey can make others drunk, but not him. "I can last a lot
longer than that, and I'm not drunk!" Denial of the problem appears when we see and
grasp certain realities in the lives of other people. sounds, but we do not notice them in
our own.
The process of self-deception is deeper and more serious. It means that we
believe something even though there are clear facts to the contrary, so that we perceive
the facts but do not attribute them to them. we get the correct meaning. For example, a
friend of mine, in his childhood, was an obvious victim of sexual abuse by his mother.
But he refused to believe it because she "wasn't that kind of woman." His self-deception
about his mother's character was stronger for him than the facts of the sexual abuse to
which he had actually been subjected.
As an adult, when I deceive myself, I believe that my chronic state of
overcommitment and constant speed high mind of my work pace are normal and
healthy. If someone points out that it is very pathological to undergo so much stress
and adds that we should have time for rest, leisure, and fun, I tell myself that it is not
true, that that is impossible for a real person who leads a real life. It would be great,
but it's not realistic. And maybe I'll tell my friend Wanda this same thing:
«Come on, girl! In life you have to do all these things. There's nothing wrong. You
may feel tired and irritable because your cold is getting you down. All you need is a
better act. your D". My illusion that constant work is normal and healthy is very strong,
and even expands to include others.
As a therapist, I would recognize Terry's self-deception if he After listening to my
lecture about Cindy (who saw the father hit the mother), she told me: «Pia, I have heard
you tell me that what Cindy saw was abusive for her, but that is not the case. The
parents were just having a normal fight. Nobody hurt Cindy. If two people want to fight,
it doesn't seem bad to me. Their self-deception consists of believing that it does not
harm a child if their parents physically attack each other in their presence.

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 But the fact is that a child is truly abused when he is allowed to watch one of the
two most important and necessary caregivers in his life hit the other. A self-deceiving
person "sees the facts" but does not accept them as true, and acts as if the terrible
reality were different.
Codependency is full of self-deception, so recognizing it in ourselves is
important. In our adult lives we experience symptoms of codependency that have
painful emotional consequences for ourselves and our loved ones, but we have the
deceptive illusion that, after a certain time, "things will be fine." And although
horrendous events often occur in our lives and in our relationships, our codependent
delusion makes us believe that they are neither painful nor terrible. Sometimes we
prolong very abusive situations and relationships, without facing the reality that we
are being seriously mistreated.
Like other defense mechanisms, self-control The trick is invisible to us, which is a
problem: we don't know that we are being delusional. We live in an unreal world based
on our delusional ideas, but we see that unreal world as reality. Since we cannot allow
ourselves to see the facts of our lives as they really are, we often become angry with
people who try to point out the fallacies of our delusions. This position makes us very
vulnerable nerable, since reality itself, or anyone who has a strong sense of reality,
threatens the idea we have of our world by its very existence. People with delusional
ideas tend to isolate themselves from those who could reveal the truth of their lives.
In therapy, the patient's resistance to confronting the idea of self-deception
that I point out to him usually derives from the fact that he is repeating the same
behavior with his own children. functional that his parents had with him when he
was a child, and he does not want to recognize it as dysfunctional. People who find
themselves in this situation do not perceive their own resistance to changing their
perceptions. Stick to the distorting "facts" sioned by their own self-deception.
To recover from codependency, it is essential to know what defense
mechanisms consist of and how they intervene in our lives. Accepting the following
facts can be a great help to recovery:
• Defense mechanisms continue to function in adult codependents.
• Our own defenses are generally invisible to us.
• To recover, we must allow other people we trust to confront those defenses by
telling us when they think we are using them.
• Although it is difficult, and we may experience fear or anger in the moment,
we must listen to what we are told, to break down those defenses and begin
recovery.
It is possible that in the descriptions of the symptoms of codependency and
abuse that we present in this book, the reader will recognize some of these
resistances to facing their own reality.

Body memories and emotional memories

There are two types of useful indicators that, if you pay attention to them tion,
often lead to the recovery of history per dida: bodily memories and emotional memories.

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They are similar to passwords or security keys to be entered into a carefully guarded
computer program. Similarly, as soon as a person recognizes a fearful or painful
emotional or bodily memory, they can track it and thereby access data from the
unconscious mind related to the terrible or painful abuse that was repressed or
dissociated from the very moment it occurred. Occurred. With the help of a tera By
skillful practice, this valuable data can be brought to the patient's conscious mind, so
that he or she can work through all the feelings related to that memory and begin to heal
from them.
A body memory is a sudden physical symptom that does not appear to be
related to any material cause present at the time. For example, someone could be
sitting comfortably reading this book, and suddenly get a severe headache,
dizziness, or nausea. You may feel like someone is kicking your arm or trying to
strangle you. You may feel like you've been pinched in the back of your neck or
experience pain in your groin. These sensations are body memories.
An emotional memory is a sudden, overwhelming emotional experience that
cannot be attributed to anything present at that very moment. Emotional memories
emerge primarily in the form of four primary emotions: anger, fear, pain, and shame. To
these memories too I call them "emotional attacks" because they appear suddenly,
without anyone inviting them, no one knows from where. If the emotional attack is in the
form of anger, I call it an "anger attack," and if it is in the form of fear, a "panic attack" or
"paranoia attack." An emotional memory of pain is a sudden, overwhelming feeling of
helplessness, often followed by the idea of suicide or the conviction that intense
suffering will lead to death. A "shame attack" is a sudden, deep, overwhelming feeling of
being "less than," worthless, incapable, bad, stupid, or ugly (in trans During these
attacks, derogatory words that we apply to ourselves often pass through our minds).
The bodily and emotional memories tell me that, although our minds have
the power to bury memories in the unconscious and “know but not know,” the
body never forgets the painful experience of abuse, and insists on making us see
the truth about ourselves.
For example, in my lectures dedicated to this topic it often happens that
someone who is listening to me says: “Pía, at this very moment I have one of those
memories. "I feel a hand on the back of my neck, and I'm very scared." The experience
of the hand on the back of the head is a bodily memory, and the fear that accompanies
it is an emotional memory.
The emotional memory is always experienced as a sensation. overwhelming
feeling. Suppose a woman listening to my lecture in a therapy group suddenly has an
emotional memory of fear. Then she goes into a state close to panic and says
something like: "I don't know what's happening, Pia, but I'm really scared and I want
to run out of this room!" ».
Then I ask him: "Could you tell me what was happening when you started to
panic?" What was I talking about? ».
The answer may be: "When you started talking about a girl being sexually
penetrated by her father, I fell into such a panic that I almost ran away."
I ask: "Is it possible that someone has sexually abused mind of you? ». At that
time, this question may well pro call for the return of a lost memory.
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 Many times, these emotional and bodily memories can be used as access
routes to the memory of what really happened in childhood, with which repressed
events are recovered. two for a long time. In the next chapter we refer We refer to the
different types of abuse; It is advisable for the reader to pay attention to the bodily
and emotional memories that those pages may evoke.

How to confront your own defenses

It is possible that, during his childhood, the codependent needed to protect

himself with one of the six defense mechanisms I have described. In codependents
there is almost always minimization, denial of the problem, self-deception,
repression, suppression and dissociation, because they allow us to survive
encounters that would drive us crazy or overwhelm us in some way. Therefore, if
the reader is codependent, while progressing through the book he or she must be
aware that it is very likely that these mechanisms let us still remain in it; be sure to
take them into account.
Our society endorses parenting techniques that we now know are “less-than-
nurturing” for the child. Children from dysfunctional families may appear to be
adaptable two, well educated and successful, or they are spoiled, tyrannical,
chaotic and destructive. As we have seen, both with Together, these
characteristics may reflect the internal adjustments that such children made in
order to survive in these dissimilar families. functional. We now know that these
adaptations lead to codependency in adulthood. The following pages include
descriptions of “less-than-nurturing” or abusive caregiver practices.

10 - PHYSICAL ABUSE

All forms of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual tual, spiritual) can be
evident or covert. Abuse can give or take away power from the victim.

Overt abuse and covert abuse

The obvious abuse is in the light of day. Everyone can see it; the child really
knows him, because his reality is very clear. Covert abuse is hidden, devious, or
indirect. It is made up of facts that are more suggested than visible. It has more to do
with manipulation than direct control. It also includes certain types of parental neglect,
such as that which occurs when the child's emotional or physical nurturing needs are
not met. Because it is very difficult for the person who has suffered it to identify it, it is
more difficult to recover from the effects of covert abuse. It is not easy to recognize
that harm has been done to us, if it results from experiences "swept under the carpet."
bra", since the abuse has never been seen "in full light". An example of covert abuse is
the mother who withdraws her love and approval (emotionally abandons the child)
unless he submits to her control.

Abuse that gives or takes away power

Abuse gives power or takes it away. When you stop being able to see It

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shames the child, deprives him of worth and turns him into a "less-than" person.
Power-giving abuse incorrectly teaches the child that he is better than
others. Since we are all worth the same, teaching someone who is superior is
wrong and dysfunctional. tional.
The child who has only had experiences of handing over power becomes an
offending or victimizing adult. If, on the other hand, they were subjected to both
types of abuse (giving and withdrawing power), it is possible that they oscillate
between the beliefs of “being less than” and “being better than”; The amount of
time spent in each position depends on the magnitude of each type of abuse.
People who have suffered a mixture of these two types of abuse are easy to treat.
Children who are always given power and never taken away often find
themselves in a difficult position as they "go wild" and control people with abusive
behavior that gets out of hand. They are often very offensive and believe they have
the right to use others and take things from them.

Physical abuse

Whether or not there has been physical abuse depends on how the primary
caregivers have treated the child's body. Does the per Has the child's physical condition
been treated with respect or attacked or ignored? Physical abuse occurs whenever a
caregiver attacks the child's body in some way, such as hitting the child with an object,
slapping the child, pinching the child, pulling the child's hair, or hitting the child's head.
The child experiences painful contact, loses its self-esteem and absorbs the caregiver's
shame. For example, if a parent physically abuses a child, the child's experience of the
attack tells him that his body does not deserve respect (that it is a shameful object) and
that he has no right to be safe from painful contacts; You also have no right to control
what happens to your body. In effect, the father assumes control of the child's body and
says: "I can do whatever I want with your body."

Abuse disguised as discipline

Many times physical abuse is disguised as discipline. In my opinion, within the

family, the disciplinary punishment of the child cannot go beyond a slap applied to
the covered bottom, in such a way that the child is not bruised, does not have red
marks or is not moved. brain, and the parent does not induce, as a consequence,
excessive shame road. The use of the palm of the hand allows the pro itself parent
knows if he hits too hard, because in that case he also It will hurt him well. A covered
bottom means that the child will not be undressed, exposed, or sexually embarrassed
by having his pants pulled down. Likewise, I think that when children are very young,
it is appropriate discipline to lightly hit their hands when they touch things you don't
want them to touch.
This functional physical discipline is more of a wake-up call tion than a
punishment. When the parent points out his imperfection tion, triggers the child's
natural shame, but the disci Functional planning also means giving the child the
security that what needs to be changed is the behavior; The child himself is a
precious, wonderful person, who only needs to take note of his imperfection and try
to remedy it when he leads to problems. harmful or antisocial behavior.

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 In my opinion, around the age of six it is no longer appropriate to slap the
covered bottom either. Instead, the parent can explain to the child what is wrong.
acceptable in what he is doing, point out what he has to change change and what the
consequences will be if you don't change it. In the event that these guidelines are not
respected, parents can contact troll and make him feel the consequences of it. For
example, if a teenager comes home very late, there is no goal pearlo but to tell him, for
example: "Tomorrow night I won't go out "Dras."
It is important to understand the difference between “conduct and
consequences,” on the one hand, and “crime and punishment,” on the other. The
consequences, if possible, should be a reasonable continuation ble related to what
has happened, and having in the child's mind a "weight" analogous to that of the
behavior will transgress. For example For example, the teenager can be banned from
going out one night for having arrived late once, but not kept at home for two weeks.
The following is a useful example taken from Virginia Satir's book titled People
Making, in which this author points out the difference between consequences and
punishment. Let's say a child forgets food for lunch at school every day. Then he calls
the mother on the phone, and she has to bring sela. To stop this pattern of behavior,
the mother sits next to him and says, "Look, Charlie, the normal consequence of not
taking lunch is that you will go hungry." When the next day, the child forgets food
again and calls his mother, she responds: "I'm sorry. We already talked about this last
night. The normal consequence of not taking food with you is that you will be hungry.
"I'm not going to bring you lunch."
The consequence must be as similar as possible to what would happen if no
family member intervened in the child's behavior. For example, if a person were
destroyed tive in a public place, she would be arrested and imprisoned. If someone
was destructive in a movie theater, the usher would have to remove them from the
room. So if a child is destructive at home while After everyone wants to watch
television, the appropriate thing to do is to take him out of that room so that he
doesn't get in the way and take him to another: for example, your own. It is explained
to him that his destructive behavior is not acceptable to the family, and that he will
have to stay away until he changes his behavior.
The functional parental attitude does not include physical aggression towards the
child. Without a doubt, I do not defend anarchy in the family, but I emphatically affirm
that the functional thing is to take care of the child. The boy's body is like a $25,000
vase. It should not be shaken, slapped, kicked or hit, because it is too valuable and
could deteriorate. With this type of abuse, a proge nitor can break a child's spirit and
sense of worth, just as a valuable vase can break if handled in an intentionally abusive
or careless manner.

Abject physical abuse

Abject abuse, which most people recognize as harmful and illegal, includes forms
of extreme maltreatment, such as deliberately burning or scalding the child, ampu burn
his hands, apply the ember of a ciga to his genitals crack, fracture the skull or injure the
internal organs with punishing blows. Although it is clear that in these cases the
parent's attitude towards the child's body is not precise respectfully, there are other
forms of physical abuse that can have harmful consequences for the child because
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they fill him with shame.

Use of instruments

Some people hit their children with instruments such as a belt, a hairbrush, a
chair, a paddle, a piano leg, a bush stick, a shoe, a wooden spoon, or a fly swatter. In all
these cases it is very likely that there is abuse. The child is very embarrassed to be
attacked with an instrument, and the parent has no idea of the pain it inflicts, because
he does not feel the intensity of the blow in his own hands.
As the child grows, physical discipline works less and less with him. Someone
once told me: “My ten-year-old boy no longer responds to punishment. I have to hit it
real strong mind to take it into account. The children go away seeing each time more
able to endure and resist. When they are thirteen or fourteen years old, and if they are
as tall as the pro himself father, they may begin to attack him, because that is what they
have been taught to do with severe physical punishment.

Other forms of physical attack

Slapping, although one of the most common types of physical abuse, is

especially embarrassing to the child. I think it is perhaps one of the worst types of
non-abject physical abuse, because the face is a very visible and recognizable
symbol of personal identity.
It is also abusive to hit the head, pull the hair or ears, pinch or shake the child,
because in these cases their body is not treated with respect, or even safety. A child's
brain is very delicate. When one takes that pre big head and hits it against the wall, or
makes it collide with another, it can cause a brain concussion.
To realize how abusive these actions are, just imagine an adult hitting
another adult or pulling their hair. A person may have said anything to me, but for
me it is unacceptable to grab her by the hair, hit her head against the wall, pull her
ears, slap her, or shake her. say it That would be a very serious lack of respect for
your body. In our culture we understand that treating another adult in this way is
wrong, and we punish it with legal provisions. Anyone who suffers this treatment
can have the other arrested by the police. But the same idea of respect for
another's body should be considered valid when it comes to a child.

physical-sexual abuse

Some people physically abuse their children (the "dis ciplinan») to sexually
stimulate themselves. Some physical beatings are actually physical-sexual, and
constitute a form of physical-sexual abuse, because the father or mother becomes
excited. so sexually in that contact with the child. Usually these beatings are ritualized,
and it seems to the child that there is something mysterious and terrifying about them.
From the child's point of view, they are very systematic, structured, repetitive, open,
aggressive and unpredictable as to when they will occur.

The tickling that drives the child to hysteria

Certain kinds of tickling are physically abusive. I'm not talking about the under-

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the-chin caresses we usually give to babies. I think, for example, of the tickling that the
father imposes on the daughter to the point of driving her to hysteria, making her laugh
or scream uncontrollably, totally unable to control her own body. Sometimes the girl
even urinates on herself. Of course, male children can also be subjected to this abuse,
and the perpetrator can be any member of the family: a brother. older hand, aunts or
uncles, etc. The person doing the tickling takes over the child's body and treats it as an
object. The men sage is: «I am your dad (or your mom). I can do whatever I want with
your body, since I am the god or goddess of the family. I'm going to lay you on the floor
and tickle you until you're asleep. theoretical, and I have the right to it. This is
inappropriate, and for the child it can be a painful and embarrassing experience.
Sometimes tickling can be a covert form of physical-sexual abuse. They may
move beyond the category of physical abuse (in which the adult just releases a lot
of anger square) to the category of sexual abuse, when the parent becomes
sexually aroused when performing that action

Insufficient or excessive physical nutrition

Adequate physical nutrition is one of the basic needs cases with dependency,
essential especially in the first years of life. As it grows, the child should be allowed
to take more control over who touches it and when it is touched. If there is no
physical nutrition at the beginning, or this nutrition is not reduced later, the results
are negative.
The physical nutrition of the small child involves hugging him, you are have it,
touch it, cradle it, be close to it, walk next to it. This gives the child the impression
that it is pleasant to touch him, that his little body is precious, and that the adult
knows how to calm him physically. This physical nutrition is so important that
babies under one year old can die if they do not have it in sufficient degree. cient.
Lack of proper physical nutrition is an experience of physical abuse; The
message the caregiver sends is: “I don't want to touch you. Do not touch me. "We
are all cold and no one is expected to touch another."
A person who has had too little physical contact in childhood faces the same
problem as an adult. I saw you being slapped, kicked or hit. But for the child who has
not been touched, being touched is also painful (emotionally painful). And since he is
unfamiliar and afraid of having physical contact with anyone, he always pre shuns it
with fear. The reasons for not wanting to be touched are different (emotional pain, in
one case; physical pain, in another), but the behavioral effects are very similar.
At the other extreme, excessive contact, excessive support, excessive physical
bonding (especially in later years) suffocate and overwhelm the child. As an adult, to
be able to feel Feeling loved and secure, the individual may demand more physical
contact and more hugs than his or her spouse or family members find satisfactory.

Gradual reduction of physical nutrition

At first children need a lot of physical nutrition, but as they develop they
become more autonomous and that need decreases. If the parent does not reduce the
initial intense nutrition, the remaining physical bondage overwhelms the offspring.

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ture. A child who endures overwhelming physical nutrition often thinks, “Oh, my God!
Here comes mom. Now he's going to kiss me . Let's run away! It's too much for me".
For example, when little Ginny still didn't speak, she needed There was a lot of
very direct physical nutrition. You had to hold her, hug her, caress her, and rock her a
lot while she was awake. pierce But as he grew older he stopped wanting that
proximity. His curiosity about the rest of the world was piqued. When her mother
picked her up and hugged her, the girl's thought was, "Well, that's okay," and she
wanted to be let go to go play.
When Ginny begins to walk, the mother, if she is functional, withdraws somewhat,
allowing the child to approach her whenever she wants, and not so much the other way
around. When the girl is a little older and already knows how to speak, she learns to
address her mother "and say, in essence: "It hurts. You want to hug me?". In this way,
the mother stops being the one who always directly initiates physical contact and little by
little reduces it, allowing Ginny herself to tell her when she wants nutrition and when she
no longer needs it.
But, on the other hand, parental surveillance does not cease until the child is
between ten or twelve years old. Until that age, it is pre It is important that the physical
nutrition needs you may experience are carefully observed. Maybe you are in pain and
need the parent, but don't know how to ask for help. Then the parents should approach
him and say, for example, "What's wrong with you?" Do you mind if I touch you? You
need a hug?". At first parents hug and touch a lot without asking permission. As the
child grows, parents should allow him or her to determine the intensity of nutrition.
And when he reaches the age of approximately ten or twelve, he usually goes to the
attitude of "I want to be the one to tell you when I want a hug. "Do not touch me
without my permission."
I still approach my eleven year old son and nurture him physically. without much
authorization and without him asking me, although I am beginning to withdraw. Sometimes
I go up and put my hand on his shoulder. I have another sixteen-year-old boy who I
wouldn't even dream of touching without some kind of negotiation. such as, "Do you want a
hug?" I usually let him come to me, but I watch him and take him into account. Sometimes I
ask him if he wants to come and get a hug, but I never automatically reach out and touch
him. I always allow my twenty-year-old son to negotiate physical contact between us. He
may look at you and tell you something, but it is up to him to ask for physical nourishment,
if he wants it.
Of course, there are individual differences in the proximity needs experienced by
different children; I have traversed to outline a general approach to this aspect. in the
families In places where the earliest physical nutrition has been insufficient or
unhealthy, codependents may have to examine in the family unit all the changes they
have learned to make in their behavior, so that those close to them do not experience
them as abuse (for example). For example, if the mother does not explain why she has
suddenly decided to stop giving her son incessant attention, he may wonder "what did
he do wrong," or why the mother "doesn't love him anymore.")

Watching physical abuse inflicted on another

Witnessing another person being abused is both deeply abusive. A girl may

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have had the behavior of a “perfect little adult,” while the brother He was regularly
beaten by his hand for rebelling. Maybe he had to hear the banging and the
screaming, or even see what was happening, because the father would line everyone
up and force them to stand up. sentence the beating. Often children who have had this
type of bystander experience feel the full effect of the abuse themselves, in terms of
emotional pain. The message to them is: “This can happen to you too. Be careful".
This message usually generates a lot of fear.
One of the most difficult cases I have ever had to deal with. going down was that
of a woman whose mother had chosen to emotionally exclude herself from the family;
She ignored everything that was happening and left her eighteen-month-old baby in
the care of my client when she was only six years old. Furthermore, from that same
age this patient had been a victim of repeated vaginal relations with her father. During
the same period, the father physically attacked the eighteen-month-old baby.
When she was sexually assaulted at the age of six, this girl detached herself
from everything, she mentally moved to another place, so that she did not feel what
was happening to her. But when her little brother was abused, she couldn't do the
same because she was the baby's main caregiver. So observe He went and waited for
the father to leave the child, to take it and care for it.
In her therapeutic work of inquiry and shame reduction, I was surprised to
discover that she found her own incest much easier to work through than the
experience of seeing her little brother hit.

Neglect and abandonment of physical needs with

dependence

Neglect and abandonment most often have to do with needs for physical
nourishment (as we just saw) and emotional nourishment (which we will examine in
Chapter 12). But there is also physical abuse when there is no satisfaction. They meet
dependent physical needs, such as good food, appropriate clothing, a safe and clean
home, and medical and dental care.
Inattention means that the parent is trying to meet those needs but doesn't know
how to do it, or doesn't do it well enough to not embarrass the child. There may be
food on the table, but not enough, or perhaps it is not balanced and nutritious. tive, so
the child is hungry, too thin or obese, or has numerous dental problems. Perhaps too
many people live in the house or apartment and there is not adequate privacy, or the
home is located in a dangerous neighborhood or needs renovation. The wallpaper may
be badly stained and peeling in some places. res, or the bathroom door doesn't close
properly and is never fixed. Perhaps the child has not been taught how to clean his or
her teeth, and then has to endure painful oral care. Maybe they didn't take him to the
emergency room when he cut himself tally, so that the wound has left a very noticeable
scar or became infected and the child had to be hospitalized, with serious I thought he
would lose an arm or a leg.
Neglect means that little or nothing has been done to meet the child's physical
needs. It is possible that neither one of the parents would cook, and the children would
have to living with pizzas or prepared meals that they heated themselves; There are
cases in which children would have fallen into starvation if it were not for what they were

97
served at school. Maybe he protects them nitors had no place to live, and the family
drifted, sharing the home of relatives until they were asked to leave. A friend of mine
suffered abandonment regarding her needs. dental care details. She was never taught
how to take care of her teeth nor was she taken to a dentist: before she was thirty she
had to start wearing false teeth.
As we have seen, whether the child's caregivers attack him with painful contact or
ignore his need for physical contact, the results are experiences that provoke in the child's
upbringing. ture excessive shame, hindering their evolution towards mature adulthood.

11 - SEXUAL ABUSE
Although the child has a natural capacity to respond to sexual stimulation in a
childlike way, whenever an adult engages in sexual conduct with him or her the
experience is abusive to the child. This is because she experiences things that at her
age level exceed her capacity for emotional control.
Sexual abuse can be physical (with actual body contact between the abuser and
the child) or non-physical. There is a special non-physical form of emotional sexual
abuse when a parent has a relationship with a child of the opposite sex that is more
important to them than the one they have with their spouse.

Physical sexual abuse

Physical sexual abuse is considered physical sexual activity. poral or sexual

touching with a child. This includes copulation, oral sex, anal sex, masturbation of the
child by the adult or of the adult by the child, and sexual hugging, kissing, and
fondling. When the adult responsible for these conducts tas is a family member, this
abuse is called “incest”; when the person doing it is not a family member lia, it's called
"indecent abuse."

Is the sexual encounter abusive even if no harm was done?

As "human animals" we respond to sexual stimulation from birth. And some

forms of sexual abuse are actually very pleasant for the child. For example, if he is
petted, it will not cause him pain; Maybe you think it's wonderful. The fact that he
likes caresses, or even that he asks for it, does not mean that the child is
responsible for having sexual attitudes. them with an adult. It is the adult who is out
of control. In fact, when dealing with an adult who has been victimized by an act of
sexual abuse that he or she enjoyed, this person's therapy It is more difficult if you
want to take responsibility for having allowed said activity to start or continue.
Young children do not naturally seek out sexual encounters beyond what is
normal for their age levels. Children who have not been abused almost never engage
in any sexual behavior with peers of approximately the same age (up to four years or
so) that is outside the normal range for that age, and that may be experienced as
traumatic (for example, reciprocally displaying the geni such and ask questions
about the way they defecate). But if one of the children has been exposed to more
adult-type sexual behavior and repeats it with the other child, this becomes sexual

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abuse.
It is also possible for a child to abuse an older child. I have worked with a man to
whom no one had ever told this. It was a long time before the story of the abuse came
to light, but it turned out that he had been the subject of the incestuous initiative of his
two younger sisters when he was ten years old, and they were eight and less than
eight. These girls were very big and weighed more than him. The patient carried an
additional burden of anguish because he thought that, because he was older than his
sisters, he was somehow the abuser.

Is it ever the child who provokes his own sexual abuse?

A child is never the responsible party for sexual abuse. There are many
underlying dynamics in these situations, and they all have to do with the
offending adult's lack of control.
The child is first attacked or initiated into sexual behavior by an adult or
other older child, so that everything he or she knows about any sexual behavior
that is beyond his or her age level has been learned in inappropriate relationships.
Later, if you have been abused very seriously, you can stop believe that he
instigates this abuse, but even that behavior has been learned from previous
experiences, and, therefore, he is not the culprit. pable.
For example, some children receive little or no adequate physical nutrition
from their caregiver. If one of these children is the object of sexual abuse that he
likes and with which he experiences lacks much-needed physical contact, it is
possible that, Exactly because of that need, look for sexual touching. The child is
actually hungry for physical attention and does not seek sexual contact for sexual
reasons, but because, due to that deep need for physical contact, he is willing to
do anything to get it. It is driven by your need internal quality of a nutritional
physical contact, which it replaces with a sexual contact. On the surface, this
child appears to be engaging in sexual activity with an adult, but the reality is not
this: the child is only trying to satisfy his need for physical nourishment. Since he
never had the experience of adequate physical nutrition brother, he does not
know that there are other ways to satisfy that need.
When I think about multiple incest, I always remember a woman I will call
Celeste. This patient was a victim of the practice incestuous crime of fifteen boys
before they were eight years old, all of them older adults in the family. Both parents
were drinkers, and blatant abusers in non-sexual areas. The patient could not count
on food, clothing or a safe house, and in a sense she was an unprotected prisoner,
day after day. But, since she was eight years old, Uncle Harry came to see her every
night, masturbated her and had himself masturbated by her. For Celeste, this was
wonderful. Uncle Harry was her friend and he made her feel good.
At that time he learned to confuse physical nutrition with sexual experiences. He
later confused nutrition with emotion. nal and intellectual with sex. Celeste learned that
when she was lonely and needed nourishment, in her world the only way to achieve that
closeness was to engage in sexual acts. And it wasn't long before she became a sex
addict. Part of the therapy involved teaching him that his compulsive sexual activity
would not meet his physical and emotional nourishment needs.

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 It was very difficult to help Celeste, because she "loved" Uncle Harry very much,
and her sexual experiences with him had been special. cially good, precisely because of
what it lacked in nutrition appropriate tion. We taught him that physical nutrition would
meet part of his needs, emotional nutrition would satisfy fary others, and intellectual
nutrition some more. We taught her to seek, receive, and provide these types of
nourishment, rather than seeking only sexual stimulation and intimacy when she felt
isolated and lacking.
They had to be taught to look for these various types of nutrients. non-sexual
relationship with other appropriate and safe people. Part of the therapy was for him to
learn to ask safe people for hugs, instead of being sexual with everyone. She had to
learn to be physical, but not necessarily sexual, to reciprocally communicate feelings
with other people, to reach emotional intimacy with them and obtain nourishment of
this type.
Any adult who takes advantage of a child's need for physical contact to drag him or
her into sexual encounters is offering inadequate physical nutrition and is abusing the
child. As I have said before, this is the case even if the child himself seeks and seems to
enjoy these encounters.
In therapy it is often the case that patients do not say that they have enjoyed
abusive sex until considerable time has passed and they really trust the therapist.
When they finally approach eHerna, they often experience a profound insight. guilt
and guilt. That guilt is because they feel an intense "positive" impulse toward the
person who abused them, an impulse that is only the result of their not having
experienced any adequate physical nourishment. When a client is very resistant to
examining sexual abuse, I look for this type of phenomenon. less
My maxim is the following: whenever an adult is active sexual abuse with a child,
this child is a victim of sexual abuse. Ultimately, it never occurs at the creature's
initiative. Sexual abuse is always the responsibility of the adult, and has to do with their
addiction to sex or their lack of sexual boundaries.
It is sad for me to have to say that many therapists still tend to blame the
abused child if he or she has given in to the abuse. sexual touch or perhaps instigated
it. Recently, while I was I was sitting in a workshop, a therapist spoke to me in a
blaming way about “a girl who allows abuse to happen” and “causes it.” This is what I
call “an offender statement.”: the statement tion of an adult blaming the child for the
abuse he or she subjected him or her to. The child has no developed limits and needs
pro protection, not that adults blame him. If you are seeing a therapist who makes
these types of incriminating statements, I advise you to find another professional.
Very likely Mind you, that therapist doesn't know how to treat sexual abuse.

Gambling or sexual abuse?

The person who commits sexual abuse is almost always a child older than the
victim, or an adult. But sometimes another child of the same age, or even younger,
who has been sexually assaulted by someone older, may in turn act in the same
abusive way toward another child.
A rule of thumb to distinguish normal sexual play from abuse is this: If a child
engages in sexual experiences at the initiative of another who is four or older than
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him, or who has learned sexual behaviors that exceed his age level, sexual abuse is
likely.

When physical sexual abuse gives power

Physical sexual abuse that doesn't hurt can be very empowering; It excites
the child, and in sexual arousal and orgasm, if it occurs, his body experiences a
flow of ecstatic energy. When a parent commits incest with the child and teaches
him that he satisfies the offender's sexual needs much better than his partner, he
implicitly tells the child that she is better and more sexually powerful than the most
important adult of the same sex in the family. child's life
The most typical form of this abuse is called "daddy's little girl." The father
tells the daughter that the mother does not want to have sexual relations with him.
Then he sexually abuses the girl, without hurting her; The girl gets excited and
feels very good. Then he has the idea that he is better than the mother, because he
is sexual with the father. Think: “I am wonderful. "I am magnificent."
The experience of the physical flow of energy, of making the parent feel really
good and of being so important to the parent, gives these incest victims a feeling of
tremendous power and superiority, although this is of course false since they are
not superior, but they are worth the same as any want another person. In such
cases, the fact that these experiences sexual relations are abusive is masked by the
circumstances tance that they don't hurt.

Overt non-physical sexual abuse

Overt non-physical sexual abuse can affect a person as deeply as direct

physical touching, and invo profits from two different types of sexual conduct:
voyeurism and exhibitionism. Voyeurism or exhibitionism by family members
sometimes harms the child much more than those same attitudes in people who are
not related.
There is voyeurism in the family when one of its members is sexually
stimulated by watching another. (Of course, this does not include proper sexual
relations between husband and wife.) Exhibitionism exists in the family when one
member shows off. mule sexually exposing his sexual parts to the child. A few
years ago, exhibitionism was considered very funny, and comedians got a lot out of
it. But both the exhibition nism and voyeurism are associated with what Patrick
Carnes calls “level two sexual addiction.” 2*
Our culture is responsible for sending us the message that we should not
talk about sex addiction, but it is more flagrant and much more common than we
think. When examples of sex addiction arise around us, we tend to laugh and think
they are funny or normal. Your results These are not fun.
When I ask a person if they have experienced voyeurism or exhibitionism, I
suggest that you remember your life both outside and inside the family. I find it easier
to understand the abusive nature of con behavior of an ordinary adult male, who

2
* Patrick Carnes, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (Minneapolis. MN Cmp.Care,
1983), pp. 37-45.

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approaches a girl in his car, says "look little one" and shows her his genius such, or
the behavior of an unknown voyeur, who spies through the bathroom or bedroom
window that faces the street. But when these things happen within the family, they are
often not identified as abusive. When there is voyeurism or exhibitionism on the part
of older family members, those people are sexually stimulating themselves at the
expense of the emotional/sexual well-being of the child. This constitutes serious
sexual abuse, even if there is no direct touching or any conscious attempt by the adult
to "harm" the child.
In these families, people are usually naked in pre sence of others, and the
different members see their naked bodies two as usual. This attitude gives the child a
message sage that could be formulated more or less as follows: «No one should have
privacy. If you want privacy, you're squeamish. There is no need to close the bathroom
or bedroom door. Everyone has to see everyone. And if you feel ashamed and you don't
like this, it means that you have a problem. "It doesn't mean I'm out of control."
The factor that differentiates exhibitionism and voyeurism from the lack of sexual
boundaries is the offender's intention to obtain sexual arousal. In other families there may
be the same degree of habitual nudity, but it is because the adults are careless about
sexual boundaries, which, as you will see, Let's go a little further, it can also be sexually
abusive. sivo/jara the child.
People who experienced voyeurism or exhibitionism in their childhood are
often not sure whether or not these acts occurred in the family. When you try to
remember them, these situations can look like this.
Christine is an adult in therapy. When I told her about voyeurism and
exhibitionism, she, although she was not sure, had the feeling that these behaviors
could have occurred acid. She seemed to remember that she didn't feel safe
dressing or undressing, going to the bathroom or taking a shower, or in the privacy
of her bedroom. She was afraid that her father would come in to look at her or us.
bow before her. He remembered having thoughts like, “Oh, here comes Dad. "I don't
want to see him naked." It was as if the father was emitting some energy that was
experienced as inu Sual and overwhelming. But Christine did not notice at that time
any objectionable features in the father's behavior, because children do not
understand that type of sexual energy or uncontrolled sexual behavior. Sometimes it
is just an uncomfortable feeling of having to see parents naked, or of being seen by
them naked or only partially clothed.

Covert non-physical sexual abuse

Covert sexual abuse is indirect, manipulative and hidden; the offender usually
does not have the purpose of stimulation lash out sexually. One type of covert
sexual abuse is verbal, and the other is about boundaries.

Verbal sexual abuse

One expression of verbal sexual abuse is inappropriate sexual conversations in the

family: sexual advances, sexual jokes, sexual name-calling, and harassing boys after a
date to tell them what happened. Sometimes the father plays sexual jokes that are beyond
the sexual development of the child, and in any case are not appropriate in the

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relationship with a son or daughter. Or the father gets angry and calls the girl a "whore."
When parents harass the adolescent after a date, to find out the specific nature
of their sexual dispute (which is not their concern), they shame him, even though
nothing of a sexual nature occurred on that date. Appropriate sex education is a
natural part of life education, but trying to find out “what happened” from Because of
the fact, violating the privacy of the daughter or son, it is a behavior that generates
shame. In the most functional families there is a relationship of trust and the topic of
sex is not shameful, so the children take advantage of their privileges. mere
appointments to ask questions that the father or mother can answer in a healthy way
and without emotional burden.
There is also verbal sexual abuse when a parent acts as if they would like to
have a romantic relationship with the son or daughter. Perhaps the father tells the
daughter that if he were young, he would love to go out with her. Maybe he tells
her that her body is very pretty and that he would like her to "return it a little bit."
He may make rude remarks about, for example, the young girl's breasts. The
mother, for her part, could make comments with sexual connotations about the
son's muscles or genitals, and so on.
Another aspect of verbal sexual abuse has to do with sexual information. First
of all, I believe that all children need information about sexuality. Sexuality is a very
strong impulse, and the reproduction that allows the human race to survive
depends on babies being born in families where they are cared for. But some babies
are conceived in tragic circumstances, by very young and inexperienced mothers,
who are not prepared to care for them. One of the main reasons for this is the lack
of adequate sexual information.
The sex drive is extremely powerful. Our children need information about their
sexual development, about sexual impulse and about appropriate sexual behaviors
and expectations, not only to avoid unwanted pregnancies but also to protect
themselves from the possible emotional traumas that usually surround this
sensitive and intense area of our lives. life.
At one extreme, it is abusive not to provide children with any information
about sex, expecting them to get it from their peers or at school. I support school
sex education programs, but because the range of attitudes toward appropriate
sexuality is so wide, parents, not just teachers, peers, and friends, should also
provide information about sexual behavior.
At the other extreme, it is abusive to provide the child with excessive or early
sexual information. It is also abuse to impose overwhelming, distorted or false
sexual information: for example, saying that a girl will get pregnant if she kisses a
boy on the mouth, that teenagers get pimples because they masturbate, or that
masturbation is bad and sinful. nosa.
Masturbation is part of normal development. That way we keep our brain (which
is the master sexual gland) connected to our genitals (which are one of the main
places where we experience sexual stimulation). The most Disturbance helps the
child become a sexually functional adult. It is completely inappropriate to tell the
child that masturbating is abnormal. The functional parent only worries if the child
masturbates obsessively and compulsively, or if the child hurts himself or becomes

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distressed. When this does not happen, no one should care whether the child
masturbates or not. In fact, you need both intimacy and the knowledge that
masturbation is a part of normal sexual development. Telling your child that he
should not masturbate can cause him to become obsessed with this topic. If
someone tells us not to think about monkeys for the next ten minutes cough, can we
avoid doing it? As long as we try not to think about monkeys, we will continually
concentrate on them, and certainly in this case there is no primordial life force
predisposing us to think about monkeys.
I will never forget a horrible situation in my life, caused by my own lack of sexual
information. When I was in fourth grade, some of my friends met after school. One of
the girls had been rummaging through the parents' bedroom and had found some
condoms; He tried to explain to us all what they were for. When she stopped talking, I
was petrified. First of all, my parents had never talked to me about sex. What my friend
had said was completely repulsive to me and remained so until I reached middle
school.

sexual limits

When children grow up in a dysfunctional family system in which parents do not

have appropriate sexual boundaries, they do not develop them themselves, even if
there is no attention to abuse. Parents with inadequate boundaries have sex without
closing the door, so their children hear or see what is happening, or they close the
door but make so much noise during sex that they can be heard from outside. They
indulge in a French kiss in the kitchen, and caress each other on the living room
couch. These are not examples of exhibitionism, because the couple does not need
the attention of the children to feel sexual excitement. It's just that these parents are
not careful to safeguard their physical privacy and protect the children from their adult
sexuality. cough.
These types of parents are also likely to appear in their underwear or naked in
front of the child. This is not exhibitionism, because sexual stimulation is not
intended; It is only a matter of carelessness regarding the need to protect the child
from the nakedness of the adult. Perhaps a parent enters the bathroom when the
child is taking a shower: he is not a voyeur, but he does not respect the child's right
to privacy
In these situations there is no intention to harm, but in this way the creature is
not taught to develop limits. intact sexual tees. Part of the tragedy of dysfunctional
family systems is that they reproduce themselves in successive generations unless
there is some kind of interest. rruption thanks to a recovery process.
If both parents have different types of dysfunctional sexual limits, the child,
upon becoming an adult, may oscillate between one system and the other. For
example, Gary grows up in a home where the mother puts up a wall of fear. She avoids
sex by hiding her body and keeping a distance from her husband. But Gary's father
has no sexual boundaries at all. He talks about sex very openly, makes sexual jokes,
and walks around knot around the house bursts into Gary's sister's bedroom and
watches her get dressed. As an adult, Gary oscillates between transgressive sexual
behavior and hiding and avoiding sex altogether, out of fear.

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 In a functional family, appropriate sexual limits are established formed from the
parents' demonstration of their own boundary systems. The child is taught not to
enter the parents' bedroom or bathroom while they are dressing or using the
bathroom. And they are also taught to take care of their own privacy when using the
sink, bathing or dressing. Of course, at first the child needs help learning to go to the
bathroom, bathe, and dress. But as soon as she can do all this by herself, you have
to stop accompanying her, even if she still leaves the door open. Later he is asked to
close the door and, after a certain time, to also lock it. From now on the child will
know that this is appropriate.
After the child has reached a certain age, functional parents do not walk around
the house naked or in their underwear. Personally, I believe that this age limit is
reached when the child already clearly realizes the sexual differences between the
mother and the father — more or less at four or five years old. Functional parents also
do not allow their children to sleep with them.
I'm not saying that nudity in itself is something bad. When I talk about
protecting children from it, I mean that, from a certain age, they notice that the father
and mother are different, and they begin to pay attention to those differences. sexual,
Adults easily forget that when the child is small, he looks at the dad and mom, and
everything seems much bigger than it really is, For the boy or girl, compare the
genitals and adult breasts with their own little body It can feel scary, overwhelming,
and embarrassing.
Of course, if a child accidentally enters a room position where one of their
parents is naked, it is not appropriate when he gets angry and hides behind a mirror,
as if there were something radically wrong with his naked body. What you can do is
cover yourself and ask the creature to wait outside the room until you are dressed.
Furthermore, when the child grows and his body begins to produce hormones, sex
and sexuality become of direct interest to him. mind. If the parents continue to walk
around the house naked, it is very possible that they will sexually arouse him in this way.
For example, twelve-year-old Douglas has started getting erections,
masturbating, thinking a lot about girls, making sexual jokes at school, and so on.
His mother, sitting in the bathtub, calls out to him, “Hey, Doug, come here. I want to
talk to you". His desire is to truly speak to you (not exhibit birse), but, in fact, he
exposes his naked body. Douglas comes in and sits on the toilet seat, looks at the
mother in the bathtub, sees her breasts and starts to get an erection. The mother
did not intend to arouse him, but calling him to the bathroom while she is naked is
inappropriate and the result is highly abusive. A very young child can easily be
overwhelmed by the body size of his or her same-sex parent; When you grow up,
you no longer need to worry so much about these situations. If an older child is
developing physically and feels proportionate, and we do have a good relationship
with him, it is generally not negative for mother and daughter, or father and son, to
see each other's underwear, get dressed in the same room or talk in the bathroom
while one of them is in the shower. Parents need to rely on good judgment in these
situations. For example, I have a twenty-four-year-old daughter, and this kind of
familiarity doesn't worry me. We can get dressed in the same room without feeling
violent. But with none of my sons (the youngest is eleven years old) would I show
myself without clothes or in the bathtub.

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 I understand that there are no "general rules" for these cases, and that some
of the opinions I have expressed may be considered arbitrary. I am trying to point
out that, in some families; Sexually abusive practices have been passed down from
generation to generation for so long that pros parents and children consider them
"normal." My clinical experience indicates that excessive nudity and lack of care
regarding sexual boundaries generates shame and abuse, and leads to dysfunction
in adult life.

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 Emotional Sexual Abuse

Child sexual development encompasses sexual identity, preferred sources of

affection, and sexual preference. Sexual identity involves learning what it means to be
male or female. A woman learns to be feminine and a man to be masculine. The child
also learns to prefer men or women as sources of affection or non-sexual physical
nourishment. Later, a man may prefer to surround himself with men, or with nurturing
women. A woman may prefer nurturing men or other women who hug her, hold her, or
touch her in a non-sexual way. Sexual preference involves learning which gender we
find sexually stimulating, and assuming that predilection.
The type of abuse I am going to describe constitutes emotional abuse because
it attempts to force the child to be an adult. It is sexually abusive because it creates a
lot of confusion regarding sexual identity, preferred sources of affection, and direct
sexual behavior.
One of the fundamental criteria that allows us to differentiate a dysfunctional
family system from a functional one is that, in the latter, adults participate as parents
to satisfy the needs of their children. In a dysfunctional family, on the other hand,
children have the function of satisfying the needs of adults. Emotional sexual abuse is
one of the most egregious examples of children being used to satisfy the needs of
parents.
In a functional family there is a boundary between both parents on the one
hand, and all the children on the other. This outer and inner boundary protects
children from the intimate details of the relationship between parents. Children only
need to know about eighty percent of what happens between parents. The rest is
none of your concern.
In the following diagram of a functional family, the X represents the parents,
the line indicates the boundary, and the O's represent the children. Parents relate
closely to each other, but they draw an appropriate boundary between their
relationship and their children.
A functional family

X 
OOO

The parents relate to each other; the limit protects the children

There is emotional sexual abuse when one of the parents has a more important
relationship with one of the children than the one that unites them with their spouse. In
effect, the child is lured to cross the boundary, and placed between the parents in the
latter's intimate world.
The parent who has entered into this type of relationship with a child asks him
or her (consciously or unconsciously) to satisfy his or her own emotional needs for
affection or romantic attachment to a person of the opposite sex; In a functional

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family, it is the other spouse who meets such needs. This type of abusive
relationship is usually due to the parents having difficulty being intimate and
meeting each other's needs. Two codependent parents, who have themselves been
abused, generally do not know how to be intimate in an adult relationship. One of
them may try to respond to this lack of capacity by entering into a close relationship
with a child, rather than being intimate with the other spouse. This parent reaches
inappropriate emotional intimacy with a child.
a dysfunctional family
children are drawn into the intimate world of their parents

XO  X  OO  XO
________ ________ _____  ____
OOO OO EITHER
A parent relates Both parents relate primarily to Both parents relate primarily
primarily to a child two different children to the same child

Often in this type of relationship the parent tells

the child many or all of the intimate details of the marital relationship, how bad it is, the
fact that it is not working, and how unbearable the other spouse is. The child becomes
an emotional dumping ground for the feelings that the parent wants to get rid of. This
type of relationship also damages the child's bond with his or her other parent. And for
this child, the idea of marriage in general can overwhelm him with pain and shame.
This abuse is extremely common when there is an addict in the family. For
example, the father is an addict, and the mother is an identified codependent. Dad is an
alcoholic (he often gets drunk), a workaholic (he works almost all the time), or perhaps
a sex addict (he has many affairs with other women). Whatever the addiction, he does
something away from the family, and is almost never at home to be intimate with mom.
Then she ends up becoming emotionally intimate with one of her children, using him
as an adult intimate companion. The situation may occur with more than one child . In
another case, the mother is the addict, and has a special relationship with a son who
takes care of the father and his little brothers.
Sometimes the dynamics are a little different. There may be two children drawn
into the relationship between the parents (see example B of the diagram ), but the
father takes one, and the mother the other. When this happens, the relationship
between these siblings is like World War III, because the emotional problems that the
parents do not directly address are often addressed. men among the boys.
Sometimes two codependent parents have that "special" type of relationship
with only one child (example C). This drives the child crazy, but also makes him
feel powerful. He or she is the central figure and confidant of the family, often "a
double agent" in the family drama .
When this "special" experience links a mother and a daughter, the latter is
Mom's confidant, Mom's caregiver, or Mom's replacement family caregiver. If this
relationship is established between mother and son, he is mom's little man, mom's
substitute husband or mom's little boy. When the couple is formed between father
and daughter, she is daddy's little girl, daddy's little princess or his substitute wife
. If this relationship is between father and son, the son is Dad's confidant, Dad's
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caregiver, or family caregiver instead of Dad.
The case of a father-son relationship is very rare. What often happens is that
both parents become involved with the male child (as in example C). That son satisfies
the father's needs by taking care of him and mom. The father's message is: "Take care
of me , replacing me. I work a lot (he's a workaholic) and I don't have time. Take care of
the family while I'm gone.
It is not up to children to take care of the family or their siblings. That is the
obligation of parents. Children are expected to apply themselves to the
developmental tasks that correspond to their age levels, or to "devote themselves to
being children." When a parent expects the child to take care of the family (or a
person in the family), that child will not have a childhood.
As a therapist, I have found that those who have suffered this type of abuse are
often confused as adults about their sexual identity, their emotional preferences, and
their sexual preferences. However, it is more common for sexual preferences to
become blurred as a result of physical sexual abuse. For example, if a boy is sexually
abused by his coach, he may think, "Since I lured a man into abusing me, maybe I'm
gay." In reality, it is not. It was the coach's preference that led him to choose the boy
as a victim, and not the other way around, but the con sequence is that the young man
gets confused.
When a parent asks for adult intimacy from a child, it is common for the other
parent to hate that child who has the relationship with his or her spouse. It can also
happen that if the mother has been constantly telling the daughter that dad is horrible ,
terrible and that he cannot be trusted, that girl, as an adult , will find it difficult to relax
and allow a man to hug her (any man). ). It wouldn't be safe. Although her sexual
energy drives her in adulthood to behave sexually with a man, the emotional sexual
abuse she suffered in childhood may lead her to prefer non-sexual physical
nourishment offered exclusively by women. On the other hand, this child will probably
have a hard time sympathizing with her father (who Mom says is so "despicable"), and
this will be reflected in her behavior, so Dad won't sympathize with her either. One way
or another, the girl is deprived of her father's love, and this can affect her adult
relationships with men.
My mother sexually abused me in this way. She was addicted to chemicals, and
my father was emotionally absent and aggressive. As a child , I thought that my
father's emotional absence and aggression were his problem, not my mother's. I was
deceived about Mom's drug addiction. So I stayed home and took care of her. My dad
sent out the message that I was incapable and worthless. That message said that the
fact that I was a woman meant that I was worth less, and that when I did something
feminine, it diminished me. This created a certain degree of confusion in me about my
identity as a woman.
When I grew up, I couldn't demonstrate my own femininity. I was dressed
sloppily and there was nothing feminine about my haircut; no one could notice me.
Later I had a hard time learning how to dress and be feminine. I thought that
displaying feminine features was stupid, and that I was too intelligent to try to
dress femininely. I didn't realize at all that I was being very dysfunctional.
One of the problems I have to solve in my recovery is learning to be a woman.

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First of all, I'm working on looking like a woman. I found it extremely difficult to learn
how to shop. It was a miracle that I dared to wear big earrings, because I know they
draw attention to my face. Before I didn't want anyone to look at me. So for me, and
for thousands of others, emotional sexual abuse has been very damaging, and
presents serious obstacles in recovery.
I think one of the most difficult situations of sexual abuse is that of "daddy's little
girl." Although this is changing, men are generally more powerful than women, and
being daddy's little girl, someone more important to him than mom, is probably the
most seductive experience in our culture. This type of woman compares all the men she
is with to her father and usually does not find any capable of being for her what the
father was at the time. Furthermore, it is very difficult for her to grow up, and sometimes
she remains a "little girl" throughout her life from an emotional point of view. It is her
girlish behavior that seduces men, and she continues to hope that the men in her life
will react the way her father did. A healthy man does not do this, although he may go
crazy trying to get this woman to sustain the relationship and "be there " for him like an
adult would be.
It is especially tragic when a daddy's little girl marries an incestuous man. She
has children, he seduces the daughter and the mother then experiences the whole
situation from the other side. Her daughter participates in an incestuous relationship
with her spouse and her mother ends up hating her, just as she had been the object
of her own mother's hatred. And this continues. Because? Because it's the only thing
this woman knows. She does not have a sexual limit that indicates that this behavior
is dysfunctional, although on one level she feels anger or even horror at the injustice
of what is happening.

Emotional sexual abuse can give or take away power

Emotional sexual abuse is disempowering when the child realizes that he or she
cannot meet the parent's expectations that he or she take care of him or her in this
special relationship.
However, abuse often gives power. "Daddy's little girl" or "mommy's little
man" begins to "date" the parent of the opposite sex, for example to go to the
movies or to dinner; Then he begins to believe that he is the center of the father's
or mother's attention, and that he is better than the other parent. There is nothing
wrong with a father paying attention to his daughter and taking her to dinner or a
movie (the same goes for mother and son), but if these actions are accompanied
by verbal messages that characterize the son or the daughter as more fun than
mom or dad, or better than them — in short, when it is clear to the child that that
parent prefers him, and not his or her spouse —, there is an abuse of power. This
occurs when a separated or widowed parent prefers the company of his or her
son or daughter to that of an adult of the opposite sex, and also tells the child as
much. Sexual needs and the need for companionship of the opposite sex are
supposed to be met on an adult level. When a parent seeks and achieves that
these needs are met by a child, with or without physical sexual contact, that adult
is abusing the child.
When a potentially empowering situation occurs (direct physical sexual
abuse, as in the case of incest, or emotional sexual abuse) and the other parent
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deals with it, even by becoming angry with or shaming the child, this is deprived of
power. But more often the "abandoned spouse" is largely a victim, does not notice
the abuse or, in any case, does not know how to confront it.
There is another possibility, when the spouse validates the abuse with his or
her own dysfunctional behavior. Perhaps the mother has no interest in the husband,
rejects him or fears him, and is content with the daughter replacing her. In this
situation, both parents are happy for the daughter to play that role in the family. But
the effect on the girl remains abusive.
This abuse of power delivery in childhood creates offending adults who believe
they have the right to appropriate other people's things. There is no core experience
of shame, because they were never shamed.
As we have seen, sexual abuse is much broader and more complex than most people
believe. And, years since After it occurs, its effects in this area of family life make the
codependent's journey towards recovery more difficult.

12 - Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse is probably the most common type of abuse. It takes the form
of verbal abuse, social abuse, and neglect or abandonment of needs with dependency.

Verbal abuse

There is verbal abuse when the parent verbally attacks the child, yelling at him,
calling him insulting names or disrespecting him. tives, or ridiculing him and resorting
to sarcasm. This is pro Arguably one of the most intense forms of emotional abuse.
When parents yell at their children, they attack their children. two ears Most
children want to listen to their parents, but not when they are yelled at. When a parent
starts yelling, the child often turns off their hearing and cannot hear; This is a natural
survival mechanism. Remember that for young children, parents are huge and
powerful, and hearing them scream is terrifying. In a dysfunctional family, what usually
follows the screaming is a physical attack on the child for "not listening."
Added to the shouting, insulting epithets make verbal abuse even more
damaging. My name is Pia. She is not "dumb", she is not "fat", nor is she a
"whore" or "stupid". Es Pía, When someone calls me by my name and treats me
with respect, I have the feeling that I am something valuable. When I hear a
pejorative nickname, I don't have it.
Ridicule or mockery is a behavior of parents who vent their anger in an
indirect way. The ridiculed child has no defense, no way to avoid feeling bad about I
follow myself, especially when he is very small.
Witnessing someone else being the victim of verbal abuse can be just as abusive
as witnessing sexual or physical abuse to which another person is subjected. Children
do not have well-developed boundaries. Even though they "know" the rant is not
directed at them, it affects them almost as much as if it were.

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 At The Meadows there are some “noise proof” rooms where therapy groups
meet. Those habi The rooms are insulated by a thick covering so that people
cannot be heard from the outside during the Gestalt and shame reduction
sessions, in which they sometimes shout, cry, and make other loud noises. This
isolation was established because some patients who had been subjected to
verbal abuse in childhood felt extremely disturbed and even had attacks of shame
or experienced spontaneous regressions when hearing the sounds coming from
those rooms. This shame may be due to the fact that in childhood a parent was
heard yelling at another family member.

social abuse

In the early stages of life, children learn who tions they are and how things are
done (e.g., dressing, making phone calls, etc.); It is the parents who teach them.
Between the ages of four and six, friends become extremely important, because from
them you also learn a lot about who you are, how to do what kids at that age level
do, and how to behave in relationships with other children. There is social abuse
when parents directly or indirectly hinder mind the child's contact with his peers.
This interference can be done directly, saying for example: "In this family
there are secrets, and no one is going to come in here to discover them." Or:
“We are not going to wash our dirty clothes in public. Stop having friends.
There is no security with other people, Stay with us. You don't need anything
else, And no, you can't go to anyone's house. There is indirect abuse when the
child is not free to invite his friends home. This happens, for example, when
parents are so out of control with their own addictions that a girl must stay at
home, cook and clean, and has no time to be with her peers. And even if the
parents do not say "Don't bring others guys", that girl will refrain from inviting
friends, because of what might happen. Maybe the father is an alcoholic, and
the daughter doesn't know if he will be found drunk on the living room couch.
If the father is a sex addict, he may try to caress his friends. It is possible that
it is the mother who tries to seduce the daughter's friends. Or, the father is an
anger addict, and the children are not safe. that he is not going to hit them or
slap them or verbally ridicule them, which he sometimes does in front of other
people.
An unusual disability or physical or mental illness may also cause a
problem. For example, if mom is in a wheelchair she might send the menu indirect
(or direct) message of "Don't make me embarrassed after going home to your
friends. In a functional family, the child is helped to adapt to the mother's physical
disability, and is made to know that she likes to see her friends at home (if this is
really the case). It is also explained to him what he should tell his friends about his
mother's situation.

Neglect and abandonment

Among all types of abuse, neglect and abandonment may be the ones that most
need to be taken into account in our culture. ture, especially when it comes to
codependents who have a hard time putting together the puzzle of their own story.

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 I contemplate neglect and abandonment from two perspectives. pectives. One
is to discover the extent to which the patient's dependent needs were satisfied in
childhood. From the other perspective, we look for addictions that the main
caregivers could have suffered, and the role of such addictions in the neglect and/or
abandonment of the patient in childhood.

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 These dependent needs include:

 Meal  Physical Nutrition

 Clothes  Emotional Nutrition

 Home  (time attention and orientation)

 Medical and dental care  Sexual orientation and information

 Guidance and economic

information

When any of these dependent needs are neglected or ignored, the child is
abused. Emotional nutrition has special importance for the development that leads to
maturity. When parents satisfy the needs Through emotional nurturing, the child
learns who he or she is in a positive way. Functional parents let their children know,
implicitly and non-verbally, that they are someone who has value. Emotional nurturing
also teaches the child to “do things” the family way. The child needs guidance on how
to process information and approach life's tasks; This information and knowledge are
essential. Once we have realized that emotional damage is the basis of the rest of the
codependent state, it is also easy to see that the satisfaction of this need is absolutely
crucial for the child.
Inattention means that these emotional nurturing needs were not sufficiently
met, and that the child was shamed. For example, if the father did not teach him to be
a man and do the things that men are supposed to do in terms of work, money,
clothes, and relationships with other men and women, the son feels incapable and
see shame on your ignorance regarding these issues. In most cases of neglect, some
attempt was made to provide emotional nourishment to the child, it just wasn't done to
a sufficient degree.
In abandonment, these emotional nourishment needs were not met at all. There is
abandonment when the child does not have access to one or both parents. Perhaps the
father, mother, or both are physically distant from the home, or physically ently present,
but distant in emotional terms. The child is abandoned when he or she is ignored because
the parents are worried about other things or people .
Abandonment can be a consequence of divorce. One parent leaves home and
may make regular visits and mail money for food, clothing, shelter, and medical
care, but they are not there to physically nurture or give the child time, attention,
and guidance.
Sometimes parents feel overwhelmed by the task of caring for their children, a
feeling that may be conscious or unconscious. Maybe they think the solution would be
to put them in a boarding school. But removing a child from home when he or she is
still very young can be “less than nurturing,” whatever the intention. tion of the parents,
because in this way the child does not get time, attention and guidance from his own
parents, except in brief visits to the home.

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 Abandonment may be due to death due to illness accident or accident. The child
also faces a profound problem of abandonment when one of the parents commits
suicide, threatens to do so, or attempts suicide. In addition, there may be
abandonment of the home in the literal sense: the children wake up one morning, and
the father or mother has disappeared. It is also possible There is likely to be repeated
abandonment by one or the other of the parents.
A good friend of mine who has several siblings told me that their mother
abandoned them periodically. When any of the children expressed the need for the
woman's attention and care, she would lose control and hit him, especially with a
high-heeled shoe. And when things don't work out They went as she thought they
should, she packed her bags and left, only returning after two or three days. The
children were left alone while the father was at work.

Addictions can lead to abandonment and inattention

Parents may abandon or neglect the child due to problems such as chemical
dependency (drug or alcoholism), sex addiction, compulsive gambling. sive, addiction
to religion, certain eating disorders tion, compulsive spending, work addiction and
love addiction.
Love addiction is based on the need for positive interest (called "love") from a
significant "other" in order to feel good and "balanced." The love addict is dis He
begins to do anything, no matter how harmful or humiliating to himself, in order to
achieve that positive interest, and experiences a painful, unbalanced, "separate"
state. tion”, when that positive interest does not appear on the horizon. A person
can be addicted to the love of another adult, a pro parent or child. If one of the
parents is addicted to someone's love, it is possible that the obsessive attention
they focus on that person leads them to neglect and abandon their children. Even
when a child is the object of this addiction, the child's true needs and desires are
overlooked because of it.
Work addiction (being “too busy” with work) work projects or projects related to
the house, a hobby , repair nes, etc., as well as to relate to others) is so offensive sive
and destructive to a child's development like any of these other addictions , but it is
more difficult to treat, because our culture supports it. However, if the parent is a
workaholic, the emotional nutrition needs end of children remain unsatisfied.
Some eating disorders can lead a parent to neglect or abandon their children.
When a bulimic mother is vomiting in the bathroom, her children have no access to
her. Or, if you purge by exercising, you may spend all your time tending to your
body.
Obesity usually causes apathy, and therefore makes the pro parent does not play
physically with his children. In addition, the appearance of the obese parent (as well as
any other physical abnormality) can embarrass the child. In these situations, it is
necessary It is important that an adult advises the child; He should not be expected to
solve them himself as best he can.
On the other hand, if the mother has an eating disorder and considers herself
fat even though she really isn't (the truth is that she "doesn't know" what her body
looks like), it is also very possible that she considers her children fat and annoys
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them. imposing diets on them and controlling their weight, even if they are normal.
Some people Women with eating disorders as adults say that in their childhood
they were considered fat. When asked for photos from that time, many are
surprised to see themselves, and say: «I wasn't a fat boy at all! What was my mom
talking about?

The physical and mental illness of the parents

Although physical and mental illnesses are not addiction nes, its effect on the
family may be the same. If a proge If the parent has a mental illness (has lost touch
with reality) or a physical illness, that parent is emotionally unavailable, whether in the
home or not.
Nor in this case does it matter what the intention of the proge is. nitor. Most
people don't want to be sick. But the illness can create problems in the child's life
identical to those caused by other forms of abuse, when the parent is so affected that
he or she cannot be counted on to care for the children.

Parental codependency

As we have seen in chapter 3, codependent parents can fall prey to addictions ,

physical or mental illnesses, to avoid reality, because they do not tolerate pain. We
have just seen the problems of inattention and abandonment that all this can cause.
Parental codependency can also generate custody or abandonment of
children, as we saw in chapter 7. The codependent parent has himself been the
object of abuse, and until he begins his recovery, he does not know how to nurture
his children in a way that truly satisfies their needs. He follows his own path of
dysfunctional behavior, and only manages to gather external esteem. serving" and
caring for others, often outside the family. This can lead him to disperse and prevent
him from nourishing his own children. He exhausts himself "trying to take care of
everyone." Finally, the fatigued codependent may have an outburst of anger and
frustration, withdrawing to the point of exhaustion. emotional or mental depression,
isolation and tantrum. Which Any of these reactions can end in neglect or
abandonment of the children.

13 - Intellectual abuse
How do families provide intellectual nutrition for their children? functional leas? I
think they do two important things: support they give the child's own thinking and provide
him with a problem-solving method and a philosophy of life.

Support for the child's thinking

There is intellectual abuse whenever the child's thinking is ridiculed or attacked,

he is not allowed to think for himself or he is not supported when, on any point, he has
different ideas. inks of those of the parents. This usually occurs when a proge Nitor is
so rigid that he leaves no room for his son's ideas.

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 A functional family supports the child's thinking with the message that his or her
own ability to think is healthy and complete, even if the child still has much to learn. The
child is allowed to inquire into the thinking and ideas of adults, and his questions are
treated with respect. This does not mean It means that the parents always agree with
what the child thinks, or vice versa. It means that each individual in the family can think
for themselves, and will be encouraged to do so.
When the child thinks something that opposes a rule valued by the family, the
family does not discuss it by attacking the intrinsic value. dry of the little one. The
child receives the clear message that he is not imperfect because his thinking is
limited and his conclusions are sometimes incorrect, due to a lack of knowledge. I
lie. It's just that his ideas need some refinement at certain points.
I allow my children's ideas to differ from mine, but they still have to obey my
rules regarding their health and safety, and the care and maintenance of life at home.
I remember that one day I had to go buy food, and no one could stay home with my
eight-year-old son. But he didn't want to accompany me; I wanted to stay watching
cartoons mados. I recognized that we were differing, and that this was okay, so I said,
"You tell me you want to stay and watch cartoons, but you're too young to be alone,
so I'm going to take you to the market with me, whether you want it or not." », And I
took him, but without attacking him or treating him as if he were unbearable for not
thinking the same as me at that moment.

A philosophy of life and a method for solving problems

There is also intellectual abuse when the child is not taught that having
problems is normal, as well as how to solve them. I remember the shock it was for
me to finally face the reality that life was full of problems that I was not prepared to
solve. and that never ended. The message I had received was; "You already know
how to solve this problem (whatever it is), so why should I bother explaining it to
you? If you're okay, you don't need help." I used to think that if I went into
recovery and ate If it were to be functional, it would stop having problems. But in a
sense my problems got worse, because I became more aware of them. At times I
thought: “I wish I were as deceived as before. "I wouldn't realize how terrible this
is." But sometimes life really is as bad as it seems, 3 * (I say this ironically, because
for me the benefits of recovery peration far exceed the “disadvantage” of the new
one with knowledge I have and the powerful feelings that now come to the
surface.)
I didn't learn how to solve problems until Pat, my husband, taught me how. He
was probably trying to save his own sanity, and it was a horrible experience for both of
them. But I was so glad he knew, that I finally learned.
In our culture, not only are adults supposed to keep we are calm and "above
everything", but also that good, smart and successful people have no problem but not
at all. In addition to telling the child that having problems is normal, the functional
family provides him with a resolution system to face and resolve them.
In a dysfunctional family , the parents interfere in the child's decision-making
3
* From Sheldon Kopp, What Took You So Long (Palo Alto, CA, Science and Behavioral Publications,
1979).
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process and decide directly. mind for it, or they step aside completely and let the
creature apply the immature and incomplete solutions that it can find itself. When
children are not taught functional problem-solving techniques, or those that are
taught are antisocial or distorted, they can be said to be intellectually abused. If the
child is taught that the way to solve a problem is to "impose" himself on others,
Whatever it is, even if you have to lie, cheat and steal, in fact you are trained to be
antisocial, and it is pro It is likely that in adulthood you will encounter many
difficulties.
One of my philosophical maxims is: "I believe that life is not always fair."
So when my kids start complaining that “life isn't fair,” I tell them, “Yes, it
certainly isn't,” and we talk about the unfairness of life at that moment.
Or they come up to me and, regarding some personal or social situation they are
in, they say, "This is horrible, I can't stand it."
I answer them: «Yes, you can bear it. After all, it's just pain, and you can bear
your own pain.
Then they look at me and admit, “Well, yes, that's true.”
And I add: “Besides this, sometimes things really are as bad as they seem. This
is one of cases. I agree, it's terrible. And you know what? Sometimes there is no
solution to a problem. The only thing you can do is let it pass by taking care of
yourself as best you can. "There are some things you can do to take care of yourself."
And then I point out some care that is within your reach.
I consider this to be properly teaching my children to apply my own philosophy of
life. Maybe not everyone agrees with her, but as a mother, I must offer my children the
best that I have discovered for myself . And I believe that parents have to talk to their
children, talk to them about life and the difficulties they face.

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 Do not talk to the child about doubts

There is also intellectual abuse when parents do not make their children aware
of the doubts they themselves have regarding their own ideas and beliefs. When
parents do not communicate With neither his doubts nor his beliefs , the child has no
idea that adults doubt or question his own beliefs. They think that all the adults' ideas
have been exhaustive mind analyzed, and that they have no doubt about what they
believe. This becomes spiritual abuse, which is the topic of the next chapter, when
parents do not communicate their doubts about God and their faith. When these
children have normal doubts, they will experience feelings of guilt or worry. They will
make you feel crazy or worthless.
Sometimes the dividing line is very thin, between the factual statement that is
doubted and the fact of dumping the parents' fears on the child, which is not
functional. But what I am saying is that it is intellectually abusive for a parent to
present themselves to the child as perfect, as someone who has no doubt or
uncertainty and who knows everything.

14 - Spiritual abuse
Spiritual abuse encompasses experiences that distort, retard, or otherwise
hinder a child's spiritual development. There are at least three situations in which a
child may experience spiritual abuse : when a parent place to the higher power of the
creature (which happens, as I will see (see in this chapter, in the course of any type of
abuse, other than those that have specific spiritual consequences); when one or both
parents are addicted to religion, and when the child is somehow abused by a
representative of the religion (minister, priest, rabbi, deacon, Sunday school teacher
or choir director).

When a parent replaces the child's higher power

The moment a newborn enters a family, the parents are his first experience of a
higher power: the creature depends entirely on them for its survival. Of course, we are
fallible human beings, and the higher power is not. Functional parents accept their own
fallibility and take responsibility for it. They communicate to their children the
acceptance of this imperfection, they assume their responsibility. ity when, because
they are fallible, they harm the child, and in this way they cease to be the child's
superior power. These functional parents point the way to a valid higher power in
which they trust. For healthy spiritual development to occur, the only entity that has to
be recognized as an all-powerful and perfect being is a non-human, non-parental
higher power.
The link between the physical, sexual, emotional and intellectual forms Lectual
abuse, on the one hand, and spiritual abuse on the other, lies in the message that
the child receives in all these cases. The abuser communicates: "I am more powerful
than you. I can do whatever I want to you. I am god. I am going to impose my will on
anything, and I will abuse you so that you understand it. When the progeny Abusive
bulls occupy the place of the higher power in the child's life, he takes them as
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models of a punishing, egocentric God. tricious and abusive.
All serious abuse (hitting, physical sexual abuse, yelling, ridicule, abandonment,
excessive control, and demands for perfection) is also spiritual abuse, because it
undermines the child's trust in a higher power. For example, many people never become
comfortable with God as a “father” because of the abusive behavior of the father they
actually had. For codependents, I define higher power as “a power greater than yourself
and also greater than your parents.”
When a parent becomes the child's higher power through abuse, the child
begins to hate or worship that parent, depending on whether power is given or taken
away. The child develops hatred if the experience of abuse is denying, non-affirming,
violent, rejecting, judging or blaming. This hatred continues into adulthood, and
greatly hinders any relationship with the true higher power, until that feeling ceases.
Furthermore, in childhood, if power is taken away abusively, shame and a very
negative sense of self are generated, which is why it is very difficult for the child to
believe that he is a creature of God, precious and susceptible to being. rida.
When abuse gives power, the child worships the progeny nitor involved, People
who have suffered power abuse have a hard time facing the fact that that parent was
abusive. It is difficult for them to perceive that what happened between them was "less-
than-nutritious." This is because such people — even in adulthood — need to protect
that parent who made them feel so wonderful, so “better than.” This devotion usually
hides both the abuse committed against the child and the imperfections of the father or
mother. These children never perceive the fact that their parent was acting as if they
were the higher power.
In the abuse of the handover of power, the child acquires a false sense of being
better than others. By the time he reaches adulthood, he has become his own higher
power. Although rarely conscious, the attitude of the child who is given power is: "I am
a higher power ("better-than-the-others"). I can do what I want. I have the right to take
things from others, to use "to act without shame to do my will." When the child
becomes his own higher power and believes that he has the right to offend and
embarrass others, he is severely segregated from all spiritual experience.
Sometimes children get angry at the family's idea of a higher power, and they hate it, for
having allowed a pro father will abuse them. The point is not that that higher power allowed
something to happen, but that the offender was abused. sive. But children blame that power
so as not to face the unacceptable and painful reality that the offending adult (on whom their
safety rests) is the one who has harmed them. This situation can generate in the child a strong
denial of the problem of the parent's abusive behavior, and sometimes deep self-deception. Of
course, this accusation of God can create enormous resistance to further surrender to a
higher power.

Some not too obvious examples

Excessive control. The newborn child does not know who he is or how to do
things. You begin to gain a sense of who you are and how things are done by
observing what parents do and what parents are.
At some point between eighteen months and three years, the child begins to
want to do things his or her own way. If the parents do not allow you to start this
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separation process and post they put until the child's adulthood, he is being the object
of a excessive trolling.
If the parent demands that the child do or believe exactly the same thing as
the parent, because anything else is unacceptable ble, the creature may never go
through the evolutionary process that leads it to learn to feel good about doing
things its way. If this paralysis of the child's freedom to speak Becoming a single
individual is taken to the extreme, the child loses contact with any sense of his or
her own path. Both in childhood and as adults, when faced with any new event or
task, these people need others to tell them what to do. They also find it difficult to
be spontaneous or create tive, and are limited to predictable and limited responses.
When these children reach adulthood, they have to do everything laboriously,
based on a rigid set of rules. Some seek a marriage or a church that forces them to follow
strict rules.
Inhuman rules. A functional family provides a set of rules that it is humanly
possible for the child to follow, and that the parents actually follow. Those rules then
become the foundation of the individual's value system. The two most important
requirements of the rules work The most healthy things are that they are clear and that
human beings can follow them. Inhumane rules are rules that no one can follow. In
relation to child abuse, the content of the rules is not as important as whether the child
has some way of knowing what they are and perceives them as doable, because other
family members also abide by them. I am not saying that "any rule will do" but I am
arguing for the need for rules to be clear, achievable and functional.
A dysfunctional family does not provide the child with any rules, or its rules are
so vague or contradictory that life is chaotic. Or, when there are reasonable rules that
protect them Teachers expect the child to follow, they themselves do not comply.
They say, in effect: “Do as we say, but not as we do. We don't have to follow the
rules. We are on top of them. "We are the god and goddess of the family." For
example, a parent smokes, but tells the children: "Never smoke."
If the rules and values are inhuman, children continue They mind try to achieve
something impossible to achieve, and therefore they constantly fail and are ashamed.
They come to believe that God expects them to follow rules they cannot follow, and they
feel that they are not “good enough” for God to love, honor, or help them.
Demand perfection. As we have seen in chapter 4, children are imperfect
beings. It hurts them to be taught that being perfect is normal. This may not be told
clearly, but it is obvious that the parents hope that the child will never make a
mistake, get a low grade from school, or lose an object; the abusive effect is the
same. When children live in families that expect perfection, they learn to lie (to avoid
the pain and shame of frequent failure) or to repress the fact that they are imperfect.
As adults, they will not be able to be responsible and spiritual, because they cannot
tolerate seeing mistakes and sabotaging behavior in their own lives.
It is dysfunctional to expect children to be like adults, their very nature is
childish. Expecting a child to be an adult is almost as foolish as expecting a worm
to fly like a butterfly. Some children put a lot of effort into being perfect and
looking like adults, but they often remain traumatized. tized, because it is
inevitable that they will not be able to do everything "correctly." tedly." As adults

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they become perfectionists or even workaholics, and are unhappy, fail often, are
rarely able to enjoy their successes, and hate themselves incredibly. holy for not
being perfect.
They have grown up with the distorted but strong feeling that they always fail,
because they do not reach the impossible and illusory goal that they have before their
eyes all their lives like a mirage in the desert. And, in adulthood, that child who has
grown up will see guenza of behaviors that are simply typical of human beings.
Perfectionism is dysfunctional. As it had overwhelmed me Given the message
that I had to “do everything perfectly,” a few years ago I created a motto that helps me
not insist on doing things perfectly: “If it's worth doing, it doesn't matter if it's done
wrong; It's worth it to be done."
Abandonment. Abandonment generates spiritual abuse. The abandoned
child has to be his or her own father or mother. Because he lacks adult guidance,
his idealistic thinking can lead to leads him to believe that he is perfect, and that
he may be his own higher power, which blocks his spirituality. Those who see
themselves as perfect beings put themselves in the “better-than” position, in
which it is almost impossible to experience a higher power.
There is another reason why abandonment is spiritually abusive: most
abandoned children do not grasp the concept of a higher power that will actively
participate in their lives, since no caregiver has interacted with them. They believe
that there is no higher power, or they do not trust that the higher power will support
and help them.
No information about true spirituality. A dysfunctional family system does not
provide the child with information about what true spirituality is. Children learn from
their parents what spirituality is. Functional parents can begin by explaining how
spirituality or faith works for them.
PARENTS REFUSE TO ADMIT THAT THEY MAKE MISTAKES. Most dysfunctional parents
refuse to apologize or correct themselves when they make a mistake—even if it is an
obvious mistake. Parents who refuse to take responsibility for their own shame and
responsibility teach the child that it is possible to offend others. without experiencing
natural shame. Since natural shame is the emotion that generates responsibility, those
who repress their natural shame find it difficult to experience spirituality, which is only
possible when one accepts that one must be accountable.

When parents are addicted to religion

An addiction is a compulsive process intended to distract the subject from an

intolerable reality. Whatever the addiction, because it has the power to mask the pain
of life, it is It becomes the highest priority, and takes time and attention away from
other obligations: for example, taking care of children. These addicts use religion or
God like a drug, to gain power, control their environment, and relieve an unbearable
reality (of feelings, thoughts, physical attributes, or pain).
Since no addiction, even to religion or God, relieves pain, these people fall into
excess. The addiction to religion gains power over them, and takes time and attention
away from other obligations, including caring for children. , so religious addicts

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almost always abuse their children by not giving them the time, attention, guidance
and parental love that children need.
Those addicted to religion abuse children mainly through neglect. They
can become "work addicts" "low religious" and move away from the family to
carry out tasks in the church, study books or the Bible , speak or teach, do
voluntary social service with those in need, while not realizing the need that
their own children have to count on them.
Second, religious addicts often use the concept of God to scare and threaten
children. The child's fear of divine punishment forces him to do what the parents
want. ren what to do. These parents exercise excessive control over the child, and
he learns to fear God. The process can be complicated This happens when parents
talk about God “taking charge,” when what the child actually experiences is that his
or her parents are always trying to get their way.
Thirdly, many religious addicts avoid real resolution of real problems by
quoting Bible verses to their children. This is not a pejorative comment on the
custom of quoting verses from Scripture. I read the Bible , and I find comfort and
wonderful spiritual richness in it. But when parents are addicts, they are most often
empty, scared, and childish. These parents have nothing to teach their children
about life that is based on their own experience. Instead of providing children with
rule-based and informed solidity tion that they can understand, they limit
themselves to quoting texts that children do not understand. The immature mind of
the child does not yet grasp certain Too deep ethical and religious concepts. But
words are cited without any explanation of what they might mean to the creature at
that stage of its development. When the Bible is quoted in this way, the child
receives the underlying message that "If you were competent, you would
understand what I say and what God wants you to do." In this experience the child
is left with melted, angry and ashamed, because he does not understand what the
pro genitor tries to tell him.
Many religious addicts prove to be irresponsible with their children, as they
refer everything to God, but they themselves do not "sweat it out." The attitude I
describe involves thinking, more or less: “I am helpless and have no responsibility to
take action in my life. Everything is in the hands of God. I think it makes sense to
direct concerns to a higher power. But along with that act, and often before it, I
myself have to make a lot of effort. Children need to see what human responsibility is
— including that of who they are. People depend on a higher power to learn how to
solve problems and live their lives effectively. When parents limit themselves to
transferring problems, without doing anything themselves, the child does not learn to
face life's difficulties. Then he grows up and is ill-equipped to deal with life on life's
own terms.
Many religious addicts have another dysfunctional idea: They say that their
children and other people suffer from problems because they do not "get along" with
God. The child, who is immature, does not know that this idea is incorrect, and
blames himself for everything bad that happens to him, which often includes the
abusive behavior of his parents. He believes that his problems and the abuse he
suffers are due to He does not behave well with God. Consequently, for the children
of these families, God becomes a symbol of punishment. In addition to seeing God

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as a “punisher,” very often these children also learn to be very critical of others and
lose their capacity for spirituality.
People who are right with God also have problems… and also a spiritual
relationship with a higher power that guides them through difficulties. Real life is
full of problems.
I used to think that in recovery I would have no more problems: I would not have
jealousy again, nor fits of anger, nor would I I would read more with my ex-husband. I
would prevent in advance everything that could be dysfunctional, set a plan and
follow it, and life would run smoothly. I discovered that the reality was quite the
opposite: now I have more problems. Of course, it is not about this, but about a
greater awareness of reality, and therefore of life's problems. I am also coming into
contact with greater joy, greater value. aunt and many good feelings about myself.
Parents addicted to religion often teach their child that God is a punishing, strict,
demanding being, who expects rigid submission to a set of rules. In this way, they
also teach him that about certain issues there is only one way of thinking, because it
is "what God told us to think." If the child has any idea different from that of the
parents, it is not spiritually acceptable, and God will punish him.
When one or both parents are addicted to religion, it is very difficult for the child
to question anything they say or do that he does not agree with. They have the feeling
that confronting the religiously addicted parent is equivalent to disagreeing with God
and complaining about Him. People who have been subjected to spiritual abuse have
a very difficult time confronting their religiously addicted parent, getting angry with
them and realizing that they are sick, due to the very fact that ideas related to divinity
are at play.
The descriptions that a patient victim of spiritual abuse tual days of his father
allow me to say if he has been a religious addict. The patient's resistance to facing
this issue is usually so strong and stormy because it is terrible for him to admit how
painful and abusive what everyone in the home considered very spiritual really was.
Whatever twelve-step program, spirituality is a key to successful recovery.
If an individual does not feel the existence of a power that supports and cares for
him, that is greater than himself and greater than his parents, he often has a hard
time beginning recovery. And since I believe that a twelve-step program is
essential for recovery from codependency, addressing the issue of spiritual abuse
can be crucial to successful treatment.

Physical, sexual or emotional abuse of a religious

representative

It creates extreme discomfort for the child to be subjected to physical, sexual

or emotional abuse by a representative of the religion. Among patients who come
to The Meadows to treat their chemical, food and/or codependency addiction, a
significant number report having been sexually abused by a spiritual or religious
leader, male or female. This type of abuse can also be carried out by doctors,
counselors, therapists, and others in the helping professions.
Religious leaders are not immune to sex addiction. Furthermore, I believe that
this addiction can be hidden more easily. ity in a religious context, because there are
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many very vulnerable people who privately turn to religious professionals in search of
spiritual care and guidance. With these needy people, the religious leader can express
his own sex addiction in relative safety and secrecy, because no one would think of
attributing those types of inclinations to a religious professional. Victims have great
resistance to reporting punish these sexual offenders. Sometimes, even though the
abused person tries to tell someone about what happened to them, it often happens
that they are not believed.
In contrast to the spiritual abuse carried out by a pro parent, the religious
professional does not usually become the child's higher power. But because that
spiritual leader is a representative of God, it is more common for the child to hate or
be angry with God for allowing the abuse. Or you get scared, and think that "being
connected to the higher power means "It means that I am going to be hurt because of
what happened, and I fear the higher power because it allowed that to happen to me."
Being sexually abused by a representative of religion is especially destructive.
After having treated many people who suffered this type of offense, I believe that it
always constitutes an act of profound perversion. I have observed that, at some point in
recovery, many of the victims The victims of this abuse struggle with a question: "Am I
going to make the decision to live or to commit suicide?" ». It is not that they constantly
consider the idea of suicide on a conscious level, but it is obvious that, given their own
history, the question at hand has taken on a magnitude of life or death.
In treatment, as soon as memories of sexual abuse emerge, these patients
often experience intense trauma and pain. It is difficult to accept the reality that a
representative of God would have done something so shameful and abusive.
sive. The mere experience of “knowing everything in detail” makes these patients
feel great discomfort. But they must not stop; it is necessary that they accept the
knowledge that real mind they were raped by someone who was supposed to be a
safe person and represented a power as immense as God. Most people are
devastated and angry. But getting angry at God contradicts so many admonitions
and provokes so many fears that it is difficult to allow yourself to experience it.
vent that anger. Most patients turn it on themselves, which is why they become
depressed and suicidal. It is very difficult to help them not put any obstacles in
the expression of their feelings and tell them what they have to say to their
supreme power or God to free themselves from the enormous residual feelings.
The inner decision to face and abor The emotions surrounding this type of sexual
abuse represent a true spiritual crisis. But until this resistance is overcome,
recovery and true spirituality are not possible.
I know that if I had not had spirituality in my recovery, I probably would have
committed suicide. More than anything else, recovery is about developing authentic
spirituality, which is a wonderful thing. But if a person has been abused by a spiritual
leader, the ability to draw on spiritual gifts in the program is greatly delayed. There is
no trust in a higher power, and it is very difficult to let go or abandon oneself and take
the next steps. I have a friend who constantly thinks about suicide. He cannot
reconcile himself to the horrible events that happened to him as a result of some very
serious sexual abuse committed by a priest. Because of all the anger and pain that
remains between her and the higher power, she cannot use her spiritual gifts in the
program. In my opinion, which is based on experiences with many survivors, physical

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abuse, emo tional and spiritual consummate by a spiritual leader has with extremely
serious sequences of denial of the problem, self-deception and repression. But when
that person has committed sexual abuse, the resulting disorder is even more serious
and difficult to treat.

Codependency: what it is, where it comes from, how it

sabotages our lives

As we have seen, “less-than-nurturing” or dysfunctional parenting techniques

create abused children who adjust as codependent adults . The abuse may have been
blatant and obvious or more subtle and hidden, but its effects are real and destructive
to our lives and relationships. nes. We have already noted that society's acceptance of
certain parenting practices is a poor standard for judging whether which Any of them
is beneficial for the child.
Our own recovery from experiences of abuse in our families of origin improves
the quality of our lives and those of our children. The healing effect on the boys and
girls we work with anywhere (school, scout organizations, church or daycare) can be
greatly reinforced. We can learn to pay more attention to how we influence those
valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent and immature people. But the positive
change of the codependent only begins when he lets go of the denial of the problem
and the self-deception about his own state and his own history, and first of all he
treats himself. As we recover As we learn, we gain the ability to provide more
nutrition and adequate care for children, and to achieve greater intimacy with those
around us.
We have displayed a general picture of codependency, its origin in our childhood
experiences and the way it operates in our adult life. Although it is clear that we are not
the ones who "caused" this disorder, many of us have an attitude of self-hatred and
disgust for seeming so "immature and stupid." For me, part of the recovery with It
consisted in recognizing that we are sick and that we had no control over the childhood
circumstances that came to us. man to our present adult discomfort.
To start a new life we must know the illness, and then assume responsibility for
our own recovery. ration. Looking at codependency head-on is the first big step, but
how can we begin to heal those childhood wounds? cia and mature as functional
adults?

IV – TOWARDS RECOVERY
15 - P ERSONAL RECOVERY

It's important to me to do something that describes codependency and how it

apparently develops from childhood abuse. But because of the complex nature of
the disease and its connection to childhood abuse, in this book I have focused on a
comprehensive examination of the roots and symptoms of the disorder. In this last
part I want to outline the process of recovery, a process that I have examined
closely. specifically in a workbook written in collaboration with Andrea Wells Miller
and titled Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependency.

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 I realize that reading the description of the disease and understanding that you
have it can be an overwhelming experience. But there are many possibilities and
hopes that codependents can develop relationships that work. them and rewarding.
More and more is known about the disease and how to treat it. More experienced
therapists are now working with codependents. There are many people in recovery
who demonstrate the power of the therapeutic process and the way to move forward
in it. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist and joining a twelve-step group, such
as Codependents Anonymous, to become familiar with how the disorder influences
our lives and with healthy paths to recovery.

How to deal with codependency

To confront codependency, the first step is to see and recognize its symptoms in
our lives. When I started We begin to analyze them and try to change the behaviors of
our In the past, we encountered powerful resistance and irrational feelings. This is part
of recovery. But the first step is to compare the symptoms with our own conduct. As
we have seen, the primary symptoms of codepen dence are experienced at opposite
poles. We summarize them with continuation:

Low or non-existent self- EIT An arrogant and

esteem HE ostentatious posture
R

Being too vulnerable EIT Be invulnerable

HE
R

Being bad/rebellious EIT Be good/perfect

HE
R

Being too dependent EIT Being antidependent or not

HE perceiving needs and
R desires

be chaotic EIT Be controlling

HE
R

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 The characteristics of codependents in recovery

Whatever the column that summarizes our characteristics Typically, as we

enter recovery we seem to enter the opposite column. As we go from low or non-
existent self-esteem to valuing ourselves in a healthy way, it occurs to us that we
may be being arrogant. By moving from excessive vulnerability to establishing
appropriate limits As adults, we may think we are becoming invulnerable and
distant. By abandoning a rebellious approach to life we fear becoming too perfect.
When we stop being clingy and dependent, we may feel comforted. we pour into
anti-dependents. And by replacing chaos with order and responsibility, we can
seem to become too controlling .
For those who start from the opposite extreme, getting out of arrogance seems
like falling into low or non-existent self-esteem. They feel that ceasing to be
invulnerable and risking vulnerability represents an "excessive" vulnerability,
because it is unacceptable. difficult (and very uncomfortable), Stopping being "good
and perfect" seems to become rebellious and "bad", and reducing control can
generate rar chaotic-looking experiences.
It is useful to note that, although the recovery gives us the impression that we
are moving too far in one direction, Opposite tion, it is likely that this will not happen.
a woman per A perfectionist who leaves unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink
overnight may feel chaotic, but it really isn't. Recovery feels extreme because the
behavior worked nal is very unusual for us, after years of codependency, whatever
pole we start from. And these expe The experiences of "not knowing what is normal"
are necessary parts of recovery, as we carry out our educational learning. hanging out
and participating in meetings.
When the codependent faces each of the core symptoms, certain characteristics
of a healthy person begin to appear. Some of them are:
 He has self-esteem from an internal source.
 It is vulnerable, but with protection.
 He realizes his imperfections and is spiritual; she knows how to ask a higher
power to help her with her imperfections.
 It's independent.
 Experience reality in moderation

Recovery begins with pain

Without some kind of painful consequences caused by our dysfunctional

behaviors , it usually doesn't occur to us that we need to change. It's not about one
day the codependent wakes up and says, "I think I should achieve maturity and
mental health." For example, maintaining an arrogant and isolated position may not
create problems for the subject himself, in which case he will see no reason to
change anything. If living with him is maddening for the family, or if he himself
cannot establish close relationships with other people, As such, the arrogant
individual assumes that the problem lies with the family or others and that his own
behavior is impeccable. wire.

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 The confrontation generated by an intervention or trafficking satisfactory
relationship takes the codependent out of the set of self arrogant takes and leaves
him exposed to pain. Intense fear and pain are the consequences of realizing that
arrogant, invulnerable, perfectionistic, anti-dependent, and controlling behaviors are
dysfunctional adaptations . But those who have any type of pain are willing to do the
work necessary to begin their recovery. The painful phase of recovery is not a
permanent way of life. To prolong the recovery process and move forward,
codependents need courage and a relationship with a higher power to reach a
position of greater well-being.
This raises another question, of interest especially to those who have not yet
entered recovery and are hesitant to start treatment: it is likely that for a year or so
they will find the process very painful. You will have the paradoxical experience of
being happy about your recovery, while at the same time feeling worse.
I have discovered us codependents are very difficult to deal with. I was
reluctant to do anything they suggested to speed up the start of recovery. I didn't try
any suggestions until I experienced enough pain that I was willing to do anything to
change.
I mention it because, in my case, there was no one who told me that, in the first
stages of treatment, when you stop avoiding fears and feelings and look at codependency
head on, a lot of pain arises. I found it disconcerting to experience joy and pain at the
same time. I did much of my own recovery on my own. The only people who knew that I
worked in this sense were the patients I spoke to, because at first I did not intend to
behave with them like a professional. I was limited to being who I was, a codependent
partner who suffered and tried to be well. I noticed that when I began to do the things
necessary to improve, I felt worse and worse, although with incredible joy and hope,
because in the end I hoped to understand what had happened to me in all those years.

Unexpected fears and uncertainties

Accompanying the pain and joy, some fears and uncertainties appeared
that I had not counted on. For example, I was a perfectionist, overly mature and
controlling. I felt old and worn out. It was as if at thirty-six he was about to turn
eighty. When I stopped being controlling, I became like a very immature, chaotic
child, who whimpered like a baby all the time and fell into surprisingly immature
behaviors that I had never imagined I would be capable of. They were behaviors
that I had never had before because I had never been a girl.
But I was deceived, I had the wrong idea about those behaviors and I didn't see
that they were childish and self-centered. The idea that I could choose not to be the way I
had always been seemed very reckless to me. But from time to time I would break
through that illusion, because my husband or my " surrogate mother" made me see
reality. For example, she told me: «The relationship with you is very difficult, because you
are very self-centered. You never call me on the phone. "I always have to call you." This
was really painful for me, because I loved her very much.
Perhaps the most painful and insecure experience for me was starting to
experience my own needs. For the first time I became aware of them, and also that
there were very few that I knew how to care for - almost none -. I found it very painful

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to even admit that I had needs, let alone try to satisfy them. When I began to be more
vulnerable , my impression was that I was unprotected and that everything could
destroy me.
Fortunately things improved — they improved a lot. Six years into the recovery
process, much of my life presents the characteristics of recovery that we have listed
in this chapter. The pain and shame of the past, and the fear of never being okay,
have been replaced by a serenity based on the hope I experience. I discover hope
thanks to my higher power, the recovery tools included in the twelve steps, and my
treatment friends. But, of course, it is not a permanent state.
To me, recovery means living with your characteristics rather than the
characteristics of codependency. I don't know anyone who works on a recovery
program and has a perfect recovery. In fact, when I try to obtain a perfect recovery I
become entangled in the disease again. I periodically slip into my disorder, but the
difference is that these episodes no longer last as long as they used to. Now when I act
in a codependent way I experience quick, sharp pain, so I get out of the situation as
soon as possible.

Codependency won't go away on its own

As I said at the beginning, in the groups I lead and with codependents I know I often
say, “Embrace your demons or they will bite you in the butt.” To feel good, we must
confront codependency in our lives and do something about our own dependent demons.
If we wait for someone else (even a good therapist) to achieve our recovery for us, we will
remain immobilized, lost and sick. No one can do this job for us, nor is anyone meant to
do it. Although our parents should have helped us by surrounding us with a functional
reality and respectful care, today there is no need to blame them. Once the damage is
done, our parents can no longer remedy it or put us back together. We have to learn to
recover ourselves.
What I hope is that by beginning to recognize the nuclear symptoms in ourselves
(and I think it is appropriate to start there) and noticing their harmful consequences in our
lives, we can do two things. First, try to learn to intervene in the illness: to treat ourselves
with more respect, to develop limits, to accept our reality, to take charge of our own needs
and desires, and to approach life with moderation. Second, we can learn to be better
caregivers for our children: to value them appropriately, to not subject them to abuse and
to teach them to have intact boundaries, to allow them to come to terms with their own
reality and guide them towards greater maturity, to nurture them appropriately and to
provide them with a stable environment. as they evolve into adulthood.
If the children are already adults, the codependent's second task is to learn
to act on their own in the recovering relationship. I have often heard something
that I strongly believe in; The best thing we can do for our adult children is to
enter recovery ourselves, and let them freely find their own path to healing. We
can live in recovery and present that model, but when children are adults they
should have the freedom to live their own lives . Perhaps we should assume that
we have caused their codependency, but we cannot be responsible for their cure,
since we cannot force them to do what is necessary to recover. It will be a sign of
our own recovery that we know how to recognize the difference between
presenting the model of a recovered life, sharing our own strength and hope, on
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the one hand, and, on the other, crossing the limits of our adult children and
pretending that they live our way, even if ours is a life of recovery. Just as our
parents cannot take care of our cure, we cannot "make" our children feel well, nor
"give" them a part of our own recovery,

twelve step meetings

First, consider attending twelve-step meetings, where you will meet people who
talk about illness and recovery. Codependents Anonymous is a twelve-step program
based on the same twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I write this, new groups
are being organized in many parts of the United States.
I want to emphasize the importance of talking not only about the disease and
how it influences our lives but also about what recovery is like when one experiences
it. It is not effective to talk only about the disease and the way it makes life
unmanageable. Talking about the positive events that occur when one glimpses
recovery helps one become aware of progress and improvement, as well as providing
valuable experiences, strength, and hope for others. It is also very important to learn
to work with the twelve steps to achieve recovery.

Step one in writing

A second thing that helps many codependents recover through the twelve-
step process is a “written step one.” Step one, adapted for codependents, reads as
follows: "We admit that we have no power over others, and that our lives have
become Unmanageable."
The purpose of step one is to help us see the illness in action in ourselves. As
long as we don't see it at work in our lives and relationships, it is almost impossible to
do anything about it. This step has two parts: a) describing in writing how we
experience each core symptom explained in chapter 2 allows us to see the specific
way in which in our lives we feel powerless due to codependency ; b) Writing down
what happens as a result—the five types of sabotage examined in Chapter 3—allows
us to understand how our lives are uncontrollable. This task may take some time, but it
helps us a lot to discover our particular patterns of codependency. In the book
Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence there are more details
about how I suggest taking this and the rest of the steps.

A "godfather" of codependency

The third step that can be taken is to choose a codependency sponsor. I

suggest turning to someone who has spent some time in recovery and
demonstrates functional behavior regarding some of their codependency
symptoms. Once these conditions are met, the most important thing about a good
sponsor is that he can provide us with parental activity and nourish us , be
sincere and make us face reality, and be willing to tell us how we are seen, and
also to repeat the same ideas over and over again. until we grasp them, Illness
makes us “forget” much of what we are told about ourselves. So that person has
to be patient and nurturing, and take care of us like a parent. My recommendation
is that it be the same sex as the codependent , unless the latter is homosexual.

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 In fact, I emphasize that you do not attempt to do work with a sponsor of the
opposite sex. Both can be minar taking a "thirteenth step"; entering into a
romantic or sexual relationship, which is inappropriate and dysfunctional for the
recovery of both.

Cope with each of the symptoms

Fourthly, face within yourself each of the symptoms that I described at the
beginning of the book: low or non-existent self-esteem, impaired limits, not
assuming one's own reality. ity, not satisfying one's needs and desires, and acting
in an extreme way. However, unless step one has been taken in writing, it is very
difficult to recognize and keep in mind all the problems.
Codependency is an insidious and subtle disease. For those who cannot take
the steps I have suggested, it may be worth speaking to a counselor who works
with codependents . (Many therapists are not familiar with the illness itself, nor
with the recovery techniques that have been discovered in recent years.) You may
be able to locate a good therapist or counselor by consulting at a dependency
treatment center. cia to chemicals. Many of these centers now have codependency
treatment programs , with or without inpatient treatment, that can be very useful for
people who seriously aspire to recover from this disease.
Throughout this book we have characterized the codepen It is called an
"illness", although it is not like a flu or pneumonia, which heals and disappears.
Recovery from codependency is more like remission from a disorder like diabetes.
While the diabetic continues the treatment Through diet, exercise, and perhaps a
dose of insulin, you are able to lead a life as active as that of a healthy person. But if
you don't follow your regimen, a relapse can occur at any time. Similarly, as long as
we follow a recovery program, we codependents can lead healthier and more
functional lives. But if we start to think that we are "fine" and no longer need to work
with a recovery program, we are exposed to relapses.
Whichever direction you take, I urge the reader or the reading to start right now
to face the codepen dence. As I write these words, there are hundreds of people in
recovery. We were men and women asus lonely, resentful and discouraged, unable to
put our lives and relationships in order. Many of us had almost lost hope of ever being
happy. And now, although it seems miraculous, we are getting well. Join us!

APPENDIX
A brief history of codependency and a look at the
psychological literature

As we said in the prologue, understanding of the symptoms of what we now call

codependency began primarily in the field of chemical dependency, when attempts
were made to treat the families of alcoholics. Although no one knows with complete
certainty where the word "codependence" comes from, it is generally believed that it
derives from the term "coalcoholic" used when it began to be called "dependent."
"chemical substances" to alcoholism and other drug addictions, together.

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 At first it was believed that the symptoms of codependency were due to the stress
of living with an addict. The exaggerated shame, fear, pain, and anger of family
members These were considered reactions to a very sick man or woman who was out of
control due to their addiction.
But when alcoholics managed to stay sober, their family members' codependent
behaviors often continued, and sometimes even worsened. It became clear that there
was an independent illness in the family members. Therapists soon understood that
the hidden causes behind lathe could well have been before the appearance of the
synths shots of the alcoholic.
When relatives of the dependents turned to therapy and revealed family-of-
origin stories, it became clear that many of the codependent spouses had had one
or two alcoholic parents, and later, as adults, seemed to have unconsciously
chosen an alcoholic as their partner. or addict (some had even made this choice
serially, in several marriages). It seemed that there was something familiar in the
abusive pattern of behavior of the alcoholic (or the partner who was about to
become an alcoholic) that allowed the codependent spouse to reconstitute an
abusive, perhaps repressed, situation from his or her childhood. Although
everything happened on an unconscious level, it was as if by reconstituting the
previous abusive situation the codependent spouse could obtain, in addition to
the security of the family, another opportunity to be "perfect" or "nice." "give"
enough to free himself from the exaggerated shame, fear, pain and anger that he
had carried since childhood. These feelings were seen to have colored and
disrupted many of the codependents' relationships throughout their lives.
When these people began to address their symptoms of codependency in
treatment centers, conferences, and therapy sessions, the evidence became
irrefutable that for the disease to appear, it was not necessary that in the patient's
childhood or adult life there would have been a chemical dependent. It was enough
that there had been an abusive caregiver in the patient's childhood. In this book we
have tried to discover the connection between this childhood abuse and the adult
symptoms of codependency.

Codependency as a disease

Unlike most new disease “discoveries,” codependency came to light in the

field of chemical dependency, and is being filtered. slowly creeping back into the
rest of the mental health arena, where these discoveries usually come from. The pro
Professionals in the field of chemical dependency have focused on the basic and
practical approaches to the therapy. pia, so as not to identify too much with the
research programs tigation of academic or theoretical orientation. Because of this
focus on practice, there have been few efforts to formulate understandings,
conceptualizations, and methodology. dology related to codependency, in the
language or structure of academic psychology.

A look at psychological literature : Summaries

In writing this book, the authors searched for basic data in psychological
summaries on a compact computer disk. These summaries belong to articles of all

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kinds taken from specialized newspapers that represent the van guardian of
research and new psychological developments. As codependency is a new
phenomenon, which has emerged under this name only in recent years, we review
the relevant abstracts and articles from January 1983 to September 1988 (inclusive).
This led us to discover that traditional psychological literature contains only a few
references to the disease of codependency, at least mentioned by this name.
The following eight articles related to the «codepen dence” were published after
1985.
Lans Lesater et al (1985) examined social and family problems of clients in a
community clinic, including chemical use patterns. The survey, which stopped
circumstantial patients with whom they received psychiatric care cological, indicates
that 39 percent of the latter had a relative who used drugs at a "circumstantial-
situational" level, while only thirty percent of the total clinical group did so. The
authors conclude that the con Substance abuse and associated problems — for
example, codependency — are significant factors affecting so to the family.
Sydney Walter (1986) presents a case in which the wife of an alcoholic learned to
become independent of her husband's addiction.
Jean Caldwell (1986) proposes guidelines for working with codependent
families and preparing them for intervention. The author emphasizes that the
dysfunctional behavior of an alcoholic can only be questioned when at the same
time his healthy behavior is supported.
Neil M, Rothberg (1986) addresses alcoholism from the systemic theory of the
family; examines the dynamics that occur in marital subsystems, three family-
oriented models, and possible treatment and goals. It is shown that both spouses
contribute to creating the alcoholic's problem, and that both are affected by it.
Gierymski and Williams (1986) argue that wives, and probably other members of
families in which there is an alcoholic member, are more likely to suffer from emotional
problems than in families of nonalcoholics, although the exact degree and form of
disorder emotional vary, and no clear entity has emerged that corresponds precisely to
the concept of codependency. In summary, the authors are skeptical regarding the
validity of the concept of codependency.
Timmon Cermak, in the Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (1986), argues that
codependency can be defined with the DSM-III criteria for mixed personality disorder. It
proposes five diagnostic criteria, in the style of the DSM-III. According to Cermak
- among the essential features of codependency are: a) a continuous foundation of
self-esteem in the ability to influence/control the feelings and behaviors of oneself
and others, in the face of the obvious adverse consequences of this attitude; b) the
responsibility is assumed to satisfy the needs of another, to the point of excluding
the recognition of one's own needs; e) anguish and distortion of limits in situations
of intimacy and separation; d) being in relationships with individuals who have
personality disorders, are drug addicts and impulsive, and e) there is (in any
combination of three or more of these characteristics) constriction of emotions
with or without dramatic outbursts, depression, hyper-vigilance, compulsions,
distress, excessive use of denial, chemical abuse, recurrent physical or sexual
abuse, stress-related medical illness, and/or a primary relationship with an active
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 chemical abuser for at least two years, without seeking external support.
Cermak examines how each of these items relate to DSM -defined illnesses
(e.g., dependent personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, isochronic
personality disorder). In the psychological literature reviewed, Cermak is the only
one who attempts to describe codependency and who argues that it deserves
serious consideration as a disease.
Sondra Smalley (1987) has examined the issue of dependency in lesbian
relationships. Although the book is not particularly useful as a description of the
disorder, the author proposes a model that focuses on the client's intervention in her
own codependent relationship patterns.
Frederich A. Prezioso (1987) examines spirituality as it relates to the treatment
of chemical dependents and codependents in an inpatient treatment setting over a
period of 21 to 28 days. The author suggests addressing spiritual issues with
weekly staff training sessions and groups, patient conferences and discussion
groups, family presentations, and individualized treatment plans.
To try to determine what research had been done under other headings on the
set of symptoms we call codependency, we consulted the Thesaurus of Psychological
Index Terms (1985). This reference book (which contains all the headings under which
articles are listed in psychological summaries) does not include any reference to
"codependency." The review of all articles recorded in the abstracts under the
heading "depends dence (personality)” and “child abuse” (these were the entrances
more related to what we describe here), correspond to the period from January 1983
to September 1988, revealed that very little was considered worthy of inclusion,
relating ned with the identifiable diagnosis of the disorder and symptoms we call
codependency, and in its connection to childhood abuse.
In all the psychological literature appearing in the Psych-Lit database from
the period between January 1983 and September 1988 , there appears to be only
one person's work (used as a reference by several authors) who sees in the
category theory of "dependence (personality)" something close to what we
consider when talking about codependency. In fact, the references that related
"dependence" to the symptoms that constitute what we call codependency cited
the same book, Neurosis in Human Growth, by psychiatrist Karen Horney (1950).
Some of his ideas and descriptions of symptoms are analogous to those in this
book, but were evidently never developed or expanded upon in the literature. ture
in the same direction as we do.
For Horney, healthy adults are largely autonomous, but she believed that
ultimately all people find it difficult to survive without the physical and emotional
presence, support and care of others. That interdependence allows us to grow and
prosper, and is necessary for the realization of individuality.
However, neurosis leads to seeking satisfaction and a sense of self in other
people. Relating to others becomes an increasingly compulsive need, and can take
the form of blind dependence, rebellion, obsession with standing out, or avoidance
of commitment at any price. In any case, the neurotic demonstrates the importance
that others have for him.
This dependence is usually characterized by inflexibility in relationships,
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abandonment of responsibility for one's own life, intolerance, depression, anger and
a vengeful attitude when others do not satisfy the demands one makes of them, the
indiscriminate sacrifice of one's own interests and a magical belief that the answer
to life will be found through others. Dependency can be seen as a way of
experiencing others and relating to them, which is part of the characterological
structure that Horney calls "the solution of erasing oneself" (in chapter 9 of the cited
book).
The neurotic believes that only through the strength and care of others can he
obtain security, a meaningful life, and a sense of self. This impulse toward others can
reach the point where you want to lose yourself and completely merge with another
person. Consequently these people cultivate and glorify the attitude of being nice,
little underdog, and erasing oneself. Strength and autonomy are sought in a protector,
but are avoided and repressed in one. Self-evaluation is based on the individual
feeling that they can receive love; Love, especially erotic love, holds the promise of
supreme fulfillment. The subjugated and helpless part of oneself is experienced as the
true essence, and the possibility of being loved, sacrifice for love and, above all,
suffering, take the character of justifications to demand total devotion in return .
What in most normal people is a desire to be loved, in this type of neurotic
becomes a desperate impulse and demand. The final stage of self-effacement , which
includes these symptoms, Horney calls morbid dependence.
But, until very recently, this author's ideas about dependency (and subsequent
references to it) constituted the only link in psychological publications with what we
know as "codependency", and apparently these ideas were not developed in the
direction we have taken.

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 Books about references to the patterns of
dependent personality
Theodore Millón says in the Encyclopedia of Psychology, vol, I (1984):
Despite the diffusion and well-known features of this personality pattern
(dependent personality), in the official nosologies published before the third
edition, in 1980, of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(DSM-III), Only passing references were made to it. For the DSMIII, this
disorder is a major and independent disorder, and its central feature
consists of passive behavior that allows others to assume full responsibility
for the subject's significant life activities, a characteristic that can be found
even in the absence of self-confidence and doubts regarding one's own
ability to function independently.
As Millón points out, Emil Kraepelin (1913), in the eighth edition of his Psychiatrie,
had already highlighted the "unresolved will" of these dependent patients and the ease
with which they could be "seduced" by others.
Karl Abraham (1924) noted their typical belief that "there will always be
someone [...] who will take care of them and provide them with everything they
need."
Below we have Horney's description (already cited) , which is the closest to what
we describe as codependency, although he approaches the issue from a different
perspective and does not link it to child abuse.
Later, Erich Fromm presented a characterization similar to Horney's in Man for
Himself (1947). Referring to people who have what he called the "responsive
orientation," Fromm points out that "They are not only dependent on authorities, but
[...] on any type of support. "They feel lost when they are alone because they feel like
they can't do anything without help."
Using a biosocial theory of learning to deduce personality types, Theodore Millón
lists in Disorders of Personality (1981) the following diagnostic criteria for dependent
personalities: a) they are characteristically docile and non-competitive, and avoid social
tension and conflict (Millon calls this "peaceful temperament"); b) they need a stronger
nutritional figure, and if they do not have it they feel distressingly helpless; They are
often conciliatory, appeasing and prone to self-sacrifice ("interpersonal submission"); e)
they perceive themselves as weak, fragile and ineffective; they lack self-confidence, as
they underestimate their own skills and abilities ("inadequate self-image"); d) their
attitude towards interpersonal difficulties is naive or benevolent; they soften disturbing
events ("extremely optimistic cognitive style"); e) they prefer a submissive, placid and
passive lifestyle, avoid self-assertion and reject autonomous responsibilities ("initiative
deficit").
It is clear that observations of people weakened by the symptoms of
codependency were made years ago. But it is also evident that, after Kraepelin's first
note in 1913, there was little follow-up! issue
It seems that even the term "dependency" has lost favor among specialists. It
was too “inclusive” and not adaptable to the more precise measurement methods that
psychology researchers were trying to develop. As John C says. Masters in The

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International Encydopedia of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neurology (1977).
More recently, there has been a growing tendency to avoid using the
global concept of "dependency" because it is overly inclusive and of
little use in describing and analyzing the behavior of adults and children
over two or three years of age.
I think this is enough to indicate that mainstream academic psychology has
not done extensive work on "dependency" as an identifiable personality disorder, at
least in its usual channels of communication. And only when this distressing set of
symptoms rose to the surface and multiplied in the field of chemical dependency
were some therapists able to glean extensive information that allowed them to
grasp the scope and ramifications of the disorder. But now many of us understand
that codependency continues to be a painful and almost ubiquitous problem for
certain groups in our society. It would seem that we are on the frontier of still
unexplored territory, which is that of this serious personality disorder.

But is it a "disease"?

Is codependency a disease? As psychiatrist Timmen Cermak notes in Diagnosing

and Treating Codependency (1986), "Therapists with traditional approaches to mental
health have attempted to treat (separately) the symptoms of codependency , diagnosing
them as panic disorders, depression, hysterical disorders of personality or personality by
dependency, to name just a few. Cermak also says that:
As soon as we accept that the existence of codependency is parallel to
that of other personality disorders, such as borderline disorder,
narcissistic disorder or dependency disorder, it should be clear that it
deserves to be treated with the same level of refinement.
But since the language and criteria used to describe codependency are not
consistent or organized in a firm framework generally accepted by specialists, it has
not been possible to carry out the necessary research to give scientific validity to the
conception that it is a " legitimate personality disorder. Until this research is carried
out, the rules of the psychological community veto the inclusion of codependency in
the nomenclature of diseases.
Meanwhile, those of us who treat people who suffer from the compulsive
symptoms of codependency do not wait for an official label to act. Whatever
codependency is, it undoubtedly operates as a disease. And as Cermak observes
(p. 100), "according to what we have learned, it would seem to at least correspond
to the usual descriptions of what a disease is (with discernible symptoms that can
be predicted, and are progressive and debilitating)" Any contemporary literature
on codependency (for example, that of Cermak's book, which refers almost
exclusively to the field of chemical dependence) suggests that many therapists
struggle to give shape and structure to the sea of data on this disorder and its
consequences. symptoms, which leads to overflowing the benches of chemical
dependency treatment centers and penetrates the other fields of mental health
It is our hope that this book will help clarify some of the issues in this growing
quest for healing as it relates to codependency.

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