High Conflict Solutions

ABOUT CDE
The Center for Divorce Education’s goals are to educate the public, judges, and legislators on
the effects of divorce on the emotional, social, and intellectual development of children. This
education is accomplished through publications, workshops, online programs, and visual
media to provide the most promising information for families in transition.
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT:

The Center for Divorce Education
92 Van Ness Ave.
Ashland, OR 97520
1-877-874-1365
[email protected]
www.divorce-education.com
CDE’s Children in Between: High Conflict Solutions Parents’ Guidebook

©2022 The Center for Divorce Education
1st Edition, 2018

2nd Edition, 2022
This material is protected by copyright. Unauthorized reproduction or other use of any of the
material contained herein is expressly forbidden by law.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction 3
The Causes of Conflict 3
Chapter 1: Carrying Messages 15
Chapter 2: Put Downs 22
Chapter 3: Money Problems 30
Chapter 4: Questioning 36
Chapter 5: Never Married Parents 39
Chapter 6: Arriving Late 45
Chapter 7: Communication Problems 51
Chapter 8: Parents Not Talking 56
Chapter 9: Parents At School 60
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This guidebook accompanies CDE’s Children in Between: High Conflict Solutions. This program
covers common situations in which children are put in the middle of their parents’ conflicts. It
makes parents aware of these situations and the effects of their behavior on children. It
illustrates effective and ineffective methods parents use to deal with conflict.
This guidebook will help you build on your awareness and practice skills depicted in the
program. The exercises will make it easier for you to apply these skills with your ex-partner and
children. We highly recommend that you complete the exercises and ask your children to
complete them, either on their own or with you, if they are old enough to do so.
Separation and divorce are among life’s most difficult and stressful events. A relationship that
you thought would last forever has gone sour. There is much disappointment. And there is
often much anger, bitterness, and conflict — before, during, and after the break-up.
It is not unusual for both parents to want to blame the other for the failure of the relationship.
After all, isn’t it easier to believe that we are the good guys, and that the other parents are the
bad guys? Sure, it is. But in reality, couples are a system. That means that situations are rarely
the fault of just one side. Both play a role. One parent’s anger and disappointments and failings
lead to the other parent’s reactions. And that parent’s reactions, in turn, feed into the first
parent’s anger, disappointments, and failings. And so on. And so on.
Much like ethnic groups or governments that have long histories of disagreement and conflict,
it is difficult to determine who is ultimately responsible for the problem. And deciding on blame
— if we could — wouldn’t solve the problem, anyway. What is needed now is a search for a
solution. Solutions require that we look ahead to the future, regardless of what has happened
in the past. It is only the future that we can control. The past is behind us and cannot be
changed. Letting go is tough work but necessary for our own maturity and happiness.
Life currently is in turmoil. You are angry. And perhaps rightly so. The other parent is just as
angry. And perhaps just as rightly so.
You are also likely to be disappointed with the other parent, and disappointed with life in
general. You are likely to be depressed. You are likely to feel overwhelmed by the situation, and
may be very worried about your future and your children’s future. It is safe to say that right now
you are probably not at your best in terms of your emotional strength. And yet this is a situation
that calls for your utmost emotional strength.
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You have two households now. Your children cannot live in both homes. And, if the truth be
told, you might be just as happy if they never saw their other parent again. That is your anger
speaking. But experts agree, and the research shows overwhelmingly, that children are
generally better off if they have frequent and predictable time with BOTH parents. And it is the
welfare of your children that you need to think about first. Your own welfare is important, too,
but ultimately it takes second place. You are an adult, and you have skills and resources. Your
children are pretty much defenseless, and they need the best that both parents have to offer.
So, you need to work out a parenting plan that meets both the needs of your children and you.
This is often challenging, especially at first. Tensions can run high. Resentments can run deep.
The desire for revenge can control you and the other parent.
Access to your children can be used as a weapon. This is stressful for both parents (though
mostly for the one who is denied access), and it is very harmful for the kids. You need to find a
safe, non-conflictful way to provide the children with access to you both.
Money is often a problem. There is rarely enough to go around. It, too, can be used as a weapon,
to try to control the other parent. Parents who are unable to have access to their children may
resort to withholding child support payments in an attempt to force access, or to punish the
other parent for denying access. This is not a good idea. The purpose of child support is to
support your children. Denying this responsibility hurts them, and they are not the targets of
your anger.
New partners can be seen as a threat to your role as a parent to your children. They can be
double threatening if you haven’t yet let go of your emotional ties to the other parent. It may
seem unfair and unreasonable that the other parent has found a new partner, and that you
may have to accept this person as a substitute parent for your children. But this is the reality of
broken relationships — new ones often arise to take their place. Your children will adjust best
to their new future if you are supportive of their situation and create no additional problems
for them to deal with. We hope that this program will help you to recognize the roots of your
anger, and help you find some ways to get beyond it. This will take some work on your part.
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Let’s begin by looking at some basics. What is conflict? When is it too much?
CONFLICT BEHAVIORS: Mild to Severe

1. Using threatening words or “put downs”
2. Arguments, interference in access to children and/or other’s life
3. Aggression through legal action
4. Threats, stalking
5. Property damage
6. Physical violence, murder
The Nature of Conflict

Every relationship has conflict. And every person in a relationship at one time or another
contributes to the conflict. But mature and reasonable people keep control of their conflicts.
They learn to manage it, and they do not let it destroy their relationship. Neither do they let it
harm their children.
The lowest level of conflict is the use of threatening words or ‘put downs’ of the other person.
This is pretty common. It includes calling people names or using insulting language (designed
to hurt one’s feelings) or threatening to cause the other person emotional or economic harm.
More severe are persistent arguments — the ones that just won’t go away. These stem from an
overactive amygdala, the part of our reptilian brain that causes fight or flight. These arguments
continue because one or both parties lack either the skill or the willingness to find a workable
solution, and because they don’t know how to calm their amygdalas. Included here is
interference with the other person’s parental rights, or the other person’s new life. Denying
access to the children is hurtful (to both parent and child). Trying to interfere with your former
partner’s new relationship is hurtful, also.
Next in seriousness is aggressively using the court system to punish the other person. This
involves repeatedly going back to court, over the same issues, or new issues. The battle rages
on, with the “loser” always wanting another chance. This may include trying to outspend the
other person, or just trying to wear them down. Going to court is appropriate when there are
issues of need and justice that can only be resolved there. It is inappropriate when the primary
purpose is to control or hurt the other party.
Then comes threats of physical harm and/or stalking. Making real threats of harm is a clear sign
that you have lost control of both the situation and yourself. Similarly, stalking someone
indicates that you are obsessed with what you have lost with that person, and that you are not
living your own life. A healthy, mature adult knows where the boundaries are between his or
her life and the life of the person from whom one is now separated. Following others to spy on
them, or to make them feel uncomfortable is both selfish and a sign of personal weakness.
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Close to the top of the list in terms of severity is actually damaging the property of the other
person. This is both inappropriate and illegal. And it no doubt would terrorize the children, who
will no longer feel safe (from others or from you).
And finally, there is actual physical violence, and sometimes murder. This is clearly a sign of
rage out of control. Many high conflict family breakups involve domestic violence, including
attempts to control the other parent.
How Common is Conflict in Separating Couples?

Most divorces and separations have a least some conflict. Most couples manage to work
through their problems and can end their relationship on reasonably good terms without much
help from the court or outside agencies.
But about 10-20% of break-ups are considered high conflict cases and require court
intervention. If you are in this group, you have some hard work ahead of you in order to
minimize the harm to your own life, the other parent’s life, and, most importantly, the lives of
your children.
COSTS OF CONFLICT TO YOU

• attorneys, mediators, evaluators
• therapists, counselors
• time lost from work (e.g., hearings)
• day care
• supervised visitation
• drug/alcohol monitoring
• lowered functioning: concentration problems, depression, anxiety,
and strain on new relationships
Why is Conflict So Undesirable?

Why are high levels of conflict undesirable? There are lots of reasons. First, there are costs to
you, the parents. You will pay more, and spend more of your time with attorneys, mediators,
custody evaluators, therapists, and counselors. You may lose time from work. You may need to
spend more money for day care while you are meeting with attorneys, going to court, seeing
court-ordered therapists, parenting coordinators, etc. You may need supervised visitations
with your children if the other parent has convinced the court that you are a threat to the
children, or a danger to the other parent, or at risk to take the children and run. You may need
drug and alcohol treatment or monitoring. And your everyday life will be interrupted by
hearings, depositions, etc. Clearly, the quality of your life will suffer.
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You also become a burden to your community. There will be high costs for the courts, security
personnel, mental health workers, guardians for the children, special children’s services, and
added services in the schools.
However, of greatest concern is the cost to your children. Your continuing conflicts with their
other parent lead to much greater fear and worry in your children. They may fear that you will
harm their other parent, or that you may harm them. It puts them in a very stressful loyalty tug
of war between their mom and dad - a war that they cannot win, because they love you both.
They may become angry and confused, themselves, because they see you hurting the other
parent - someone they love, someone they know you once loved, and they don’t understand
why this must be.
Your fighting is emotionally traumatic for them. They will experience very strong reactions, a
roller coaster of emotions. They most likely will have no way of coping with these powerful
reactions. They may have nightmares, sleeplessness, stomachaches, and illness. They may
become very aggressive, verbally, and physically with you, their other parent, or with other
children (at home or at school). As teenagers, they are at much higher risk for substance abuse
problems and earlier involvement in sex.
Their high levels of stress can lead to both physical and mental health problems, both now and
later in life. They will likely have difficulties concentrating in school and their grades may
decline. Ongoing stress causes cortisol release in the body, which damage part of the brain
used for memory and emotional control. When your children are adults, they are at much
greater risk for problems with their own spouses and children. They are more likely to suffer
through a divorce or separation because they will follow your example. You have not taught
them how to control their emotions, compromise, and forgive.
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COSTS OF YOUR CONFLICT TO YOUR COMMUNITY
• Court, judge, magistrate, security
• Evaluation, mediation, counselors
• Guardian ad litem
• Children’s services
• Schools (four times more services)
Do you want your children to have to live with these problems? Of course not.
So, what can you do about it? Well, the conflict must end. To end it, we need to
know why it is there.
COSTS OF YOUR CONFLICT TO YOUR CHILDREN

• Fear and worry
• Loyalty tug-of-war
• Anger and confusion over love for parents
• Emotional trauma; nightmares, stomachaches,
aggression, self-medicating with alcohol, drugs,
and earlier involvement in sex
• Higher stress level
• Physical and mental health problems
• School problems
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The Causes of Conflict
The biggest causes are related to one or both parents failing at the tasks of separation and
divorce. At the beginning of your relationship, when you were dating, and even in the early
stages of living together, you did a lot of work at learning to be together. While much of it may
have seemed to come naturally, courting is essentially relationship building. Few people could
successfully move in together upon their first meeting.
So, you now have a history. You built shared expectations, rituals for doing things, adopted
roles within your family, etc. When the relationship comes apart, all the things you have built
together do not suddenly get erased. It takes time and work to undo your involvements.
And the undoing is not as easy (and certainly not as enjoyable) as the doing, because your
emotional state is more likely negative than positive. Instead of being romantically hopeful,
you are disappointed, distressed, and depressed. So, your reserves are low, and your vision is
a little narrow. You are likely to be focusing only on your own feelings and needs. You are
probably down on yourself because the relationship failed, and your family broke up.
When your relationship ends, you are likely to be in emotional shock. It’s hard to see that BOTH
of you have been wounded. You want to blame the other parent for your pain and
disappointment, and want to get even, to settle the score. It’s hard to see and accept the other
parent’s point of view. You may feel rejected. And, like most people, you probably won’t seek
help from others to get you through this difficult time.
It’s also common for people to react as though the situation is only a crisis for themselves,
when, in fact, it is a crisis for their whole family. While you are certainly an individual, if you
have children, you are simultaneously part of a family. Families consist of several people, all of
whose lives are intertwined. What affects one member inevitably affects the others. Your anger
affects how all other members of the family feel. Therefore, if you are in a high conflict break-
up, you have failed to protect your children. With methods taught in this program, you can
learn to protect your children and take care of yourself.
It is not uncommon for a person in a high conflict break-up to use money as a weapon in the
battle. A parent who is obligated to pay child support is supposed to do this for the benefit of
his or her children. If you are withholding payment, you have failed to plan for the financial
health of your children.
If you have only considered your own pain, your own needs, and your own future, you have
failed to plan the process of uncoupling from your relationship. The other parent will be
experiencing his or her own pain, will have needs, and will need to plan a future.
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INABILITY TO ACCEPT THE FAILURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP
• In emotional shock
• Can’t recognize that both are wounded
• Obsessed with fault finding, with blame
• Feel victimized and want to settle the score
• Can’t see both points of view
• Feeling personally rejected
• Won’t seek personal help
How well the two of you handle these tasks will affect your children’s pain, how their needs are
met, and how their future unfolds. Breaking up may seem like it is all about you, but, in fact it
is a family crisis, and is best handled as a family.
When your family experiences this loss of a sense of family brought on by your separation, you
and your family go through several stages of grief. The first stage is denial that this is
happening, followed by anger (which can last a long time). The next stage is an attempt to
bargain to restore the family, then depression when the realization of the loss sinks in.
Finally, acceptance and moving on with new roles and structures marks the last stage. These
stages don’t always occur in this order and take varying amounts of time to resolve. Your first
task is to acknowledge with your children and partner the shared experience of loss, then to
reorganize the rules, routines, and roles necessary for the new family structure.
What stage of grief are you in right now?
What stage of grief do you think your children are in right now?
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Resolving Blame and Guilt
Much of parents’ conflict when they break up is related to a wish to blame the other person for
all that has gone wrong. Equally one-sided is the tendency for some people to take all the
blame, feeling guilty for the failure of the relationship. Your internal judge can be harsh, and
this can cause you to overreact to criticism from your co-parent.
On the next two pages are some simple exercises that the two of you can do that will help to
work through these issues of blame and guilt, and to focus more on your children’s needs.
Read over the following beginnings of sentences. Then write in how you would finish each one.
Share your responses with the other parent. This should be the beginning of some constructive
conversations about how to resolve your marital issues so you can focus on your children’s
needs and move on.
1. I am angry at you for:
2. I am angry at myself for:
3. I should have:
4. You should have:
5. I wish we could have:
6. I’m sorry for:
7. I want you to acknowledge:
8. I feel that you owe me:
9. I feel that I owe you:
10. I need to forgive myself for:
11. I need to forgive you for:
12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following:
13. I have enriched you in the following ways:
14. For our children I wish:
15. For you I wish:
16. For me I wish:
17. For all of us I wish:
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Increasing Your Focus on Your Children’s Needs
It should be clear by now that your children’s needs should be the focus of your relationship
with the other parent. Your marital relationship is over and needs to be let go. Your parenting
relationship will continue forever, and it needs to be strong and healthy. Here are some
exercises that you can do (and share with the other parent) that will help you both to clarify
your goals for your children, and then hopefully to direct you towards conversations about how
you can achieve those goals. Include only things which both of you could agree on:
A. We have the following goals and hopes for our children:
B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like
them to be able to say the following about us as parents:
C. We as parents can achieve the two items above by doing the following together:
D. Imagine that your child is talking to a friend ten years from now. They say they got through
the family break-up because of something you did. What would you like them to say was the
action you took that helped so much?
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Ways to Avoid Conflict
Limit contact. You need to limit, and carefully structure, your contact with the other parent.
This means you should have contact only to resolve the business issues of parenting — for
example, what will be your parenting schedule? At whose home will the children be each day?
What about holidays? Birthdays? How, when, and where will exchanges of the children take
place? Who will provide transportation? What about ensuring that homework gets done? Who
will take the children to their various activities? If both parents wish to attend certain events,
with whom will the children go and return, and with whom will they sit? What are the children’s
financial needs, and how will they be met? If one parent provides child support, is he or she
prepared to cover expenses when the children are with him or her? How will the parents
provide for the children’s health and safety? There are the issues you need to discuss, and no
others. This means that if you are in a conflictful break-up, you should NOT discuss your
relationship issues with the other parent. Stick to the business of parenting.
Find a safe emotional outlet. At this time in your life, you are probably feeling some very
strong emotions. You need to find a safe outlet for these emotions. That is, you need to find
someone outside your relationship that you can turn to when you are upset, just to unload your
feelings. You need to structure some physically exhausting activities to engage in when you are
upset — go for a long run, go work out at the gym, split firewood, etc. This will help you to calm
down (and will also be good for your physical health).
Find a sounding board. A sounding board is a person you can turn to who can serve as a sort
of “reality check” on what you are thinking and feeling. This person can give you some feedback
on how reasonable the other person’s reactions are. So, this person should be someone whose
opinions you respect, and someone whom you think is pretty “together.” This person might be
a close friend, a wise relative, a religious leader, a therapist, etc. What is important is that you
don’t unload your anger on the other parent. Ever.
Get the help you need. If you have legal issues, get legal help. If you have psychological or
emotional problems that you can’t control, get psychological help. Lawyers, psychologists,
counselors, financial planners, etc., are specialists. They have knowledge and skills that may
be useful to you. Seek them out. Parenting coordinators are a new specialty to help work out
parenting plan challenges and improve cooperation between parents.
Adopt a healthy perspective. Change your view of this time in your life. Yes, you are hurt and
angry. Life hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it to. But life is far from over. Only the past is
over. You cannot do anything to change what has already happened. And you cannot control
other people. But you CAN control YOUR OWN present behavior, and you can shape your own
future. This is a time in your life to make some personal changes. This is chance to grow, to
become a better person, to become more like the people you look up to and admire, to become
emotionally and morally stronger. Leave the past where it belongs. This is a time for healing,
not a time for revenge. Revenge will only invite counter-revenge, and the losers will be your
kids.
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Separate parental from marital roles. Finally, you must separate your role as a parent from
your role as an ex-spouse or ex-partner. Like it or not, that relationship is over. It was an
important part of your former life, but it will not be a part of your future. The only relationship
with the other parent that matters now is your continuing relationship as the parents of your
children. That will never end. You will be parents together forever. If you handle this well, your
children will admire you. If you handle it poorly, they will resent you for having failed them as
a parent. You control how they will evaluate you.
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Divorced parents usually try to avoid talking to each other. They may be
tempted to have the children do their talking for them. This creates a problem
for children because many of the messages they are asked to deliver are
difficult and usually cause an unpleasant reaction in the other parent. Children
then feel torn between the parents, responsible for what happens next, guilty
for upsetting a parent, and generally unhappy and resentful about being the
messenger.
An Example of Carrying Messages

Casey, a ten-year-old boy, is asked by his dad to call his mom and tell her that he, Casey, has to
be back at dad’s house two hours earlier on Sunday because he and dad are going to a party.
Casey calls his mom and relays this change in plans. This is the first mom has heard of this, and
she gets mad and starts complaining to Casey about how unfair dad is. He then tells Casey to
tell dad that she is not going to go along with that plan and that she doesn’t get to see enough
of Casey as it is. Casey nervously relays this message to dad, who also gets angry and tells Casey
to call mom back and tell her that she is to bring him back early or he won’t get to see Casey at
all. Casey also gets caught in the middle of a disagreement about taking his rollerblades from
one parent’s house to the other.
Here, Casey is caught between two warring parents and feels very uncomfortable. There is no
way out for him. Whichever parent gets their way will leave the other parent angry and
defeated, perhaps itching for revenge. Casey does not want to take sides for fear of hurting one
of his parents but feels pressured to choose since he is the topic of his parents’ arguments. To
him, each of these arguments sounds valid, so it is very confusing.
The parents are so caught up in their irritation toward each other that they don’t notice how
tough this is on their son. If they do notice he is upset, they are likely to blame the other parent
as being unreasonable; they therefore see no need to change their own behavior.
Casey is afraid to say anything to his parents

when they are angry for fear of making the
situation worse. He just wishes they would
stop arguing and get along. Like most
children, it doesn’t occur to him that being put
in the middle is unfair to him and that he has a
right to expect more considerate treatment.
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Common Messages
• “Tell your mother that I’m going to take you trick-or-treating this year.”
• “Ask your father why he doesn’t pick you up on time.”
• “Tell your mother to stop using me as a babysitter.”
• “Tell your father to make sure that you get a haircut this weekend.”
• “Ask your mom to take you shopping for some decent clothes and tell
me what she says.”
• “Tell your dad you want him to do things with you without his girlfriend
always being there.” “Find out if your mom got that raise. I’d like to
know.”
• “Tell your dad not to call you so much.”
• “Tell your father he has to take you to all your baseball practices or I’m
not going to sign you up.”
Children tell us that it is very hard for them to relay a complaint about a parent.
They feel like they’re forced to side with one parent against the other when
they are expected to do this. Here are some examples:
• “Tell your mother that she’s interrupting our time together when she
calls over here.”
• “Tell your father he’d better not bring you back late again or he’s going
to hear from my lawyer.”
• “Ask your mom why she’s always so selfish when it comes to choosing
between taking you to ball practice and being with her friends.”
• “Ask your dad why he never takes you anywhere without his step-
children going along.”
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How Children look at this Situation
When children are asked to relay a message between two parents who don’t
communicate civilly, they often have some of the following thoughts or
feelings:
A. “I hate it when they won’t talk to each other.”

B. “I don’t want to tell Dad something that will make him mad or feel hurt.”
C. “Dad is going to ask me something that I can’t answer, then I’ll have to go ask Mom
and she’ll get mad.”
D. “It makes me scared to ask Mom those questions Dad wants answered. Sometimes I
wish I could just disappear.”
E. “They want me to make their arguments for them, and they each think I should be on
their side.”
F. “Mom wants me to ask Dad a question that is really a put-down, and I’ll get in trouble
if I don’t do as she says. Dad will be disappointed with me for not standing up to her
and refusing to ask that question.”
Younger children and children who aren’t very direct with their feelings will often forget to
deliver the message. Such forgetting may be a sign that they are trying to escape the stress by
blocking it out, and parents should not punish them for this.
How Children Can Get out of the Middle

The simplest way for children to get themselves out of the bind of carrying messages is to ask
their parents to communicate directly with each other. This is a tough job to do because
children are afraid their parents will see this as disrespectful. Therefore, if their children make
such a request, parents should either give them permission to make this request or control
their irritation. Here are some ways children can make this request:
A. “Mom, it makes me feel [choose one – uptight, nervous, uncomfortable, tense, scared,
angry, sad, weird, horrible, worried] when you ask me to give a message to Dad. Please
talk to him yourself.”
B. “Dad, I really don’t want to ask Mom about that. I’m afraid she’ll get upset. Please call
her, email her, or write her a note yourself.”
C. “I know you don’t like to talk to each other, but I really feel tense sometimes when you
ask me to be the go-between. Please help me out.”
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ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS
List three different messages you have asked your children to carry to your
co-parent.
1.
2.
3.
What would you be willing to do to lessen any stress your children might feel
from carrying these messages?
What can you say to your co-parent (in a polite way) to help reduce your
children’s stress?
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ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN
List three messages you have been asked to carry between your parents:
1.
2.
3.
What could you say to your parents to improve the situation for yourself?
What could your parents say to you that would make it easier to tell them
when you feel caught in the middle?
How do you think other children feel when their parents ask them to carry
messages?
Some children find it helpful to practice what they would say to their parents so that when they
say it, it comes out more smoothly. Practicing can be done by yourself when you are alone, or
with a brother, sister, or friend. If you have friends whose parents are also living apart,
practicing and discussing with them can be helpful. You might be surprised to find out how
much you have in common, as these things happen in most separated or divorced families. It’s
just that most kids don’t talk about these kinds of experiences because they think no one would
understand.
List some people you could practice with and discuss what it’s like to carry
messages between parents:
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Threatening the Other Parent with not Seeing the Children
When parents are in conflict, it is often tempting to try make the parent who
does not live full-time with the children do things by threatening him or her
with withholding visitation. Ed and Janet are an example of this problem.
Example:
Ed and Janet have been separated for two years, but they still are very angry. They argue a lot
over different issues, including who was at fault for the divorce, the fairness of the settlement,
the children’s care and well-being, support payment, and custody and access problems. They
often get into shouting matches over the phone or when they exchange the children.
Ed has called to talk to the kids. He has a day off work this week and asks if they want to spend
it with him. Ellen, the older child, asks her mother, who replies, “You tell your father that it most
certainly is not all right! He calls here at the last minute and expects me to accommodate him.
No way!”
Ellen tells her dad what her mom has said. He blows up. “What does she mean, ‘the last
minute?’ She doesn’t have any plans and will just send you guys to the sitter again, anyway!
Ask her for a good reason why you can’t come here.” Ellen, her stomach tightening, passes on
what her dad has said.
“Give me that phone!” Janet grabs the phone from Ellen’s hand. “What’s going on here? Do you
have any idea how you make the kids feel, getting their hopes up? You know you can’t have the
kids when it’s not your time. I’m tired of being hassled over this crap! I’ve had it! If you keep
this up, you aren’t going to see those kids at all. Ever!”
Ed threatens to take her back to court. Janet responds, “Well, you just take me to court, buster,
and see how well you do! When you can be reasonable, let me know!”
20
How does Ellen feel when her mother and father tell her to pass angry
messages back and forth?
How do Ellen and her brother feel when they hear their mother’s threat about
not letting Dad see them?
What should the father have done differently?
What should the mother have done differently?
What are some better ways for angry parents to settle their differences?
What should angry parents who can’t seem to settle their differences do? Why
is it important for the parents to shelter their children from such conflicts and
anger?
21
For most couples, divorce or separation occurs because at least one of the
partners is very hurt, angry, or disappointed. A combative divorce process
makes these strong negative emotions even worse.
Parents often "trash" one another. There is a powerful urge to let others know
how much the parent has been hurt or wronged and to complain about how
thoughtless or mean the co-parent is. A parent may seek revenge or an outlet
for his or her frustrations.
But when a parent criticizes or puts down the other parent, the kids feel pain.
Someone they love has been attacked, and they want to come to his or her
defense. At the same time, the attacker is also someone they love and cherish.
They are caught in a very stressful bind.
This bind can be even worse if one parent demands loyalty or tries to convince
the children that the other parent is unworthy of their love.
Even parents who try to control their anger in front of the children may find
this to be very difficult, especially when they are tired, frustrated, and angry
and things are not going very well.
22
An Example of Put Downs
Emily and Jordan have returned from a weekend visit with their father. Their mother is folding
laundry. The kids begin to whine about being hungry for dinner. Mom gets frustrated and tells
the girls to put away their laundry and help with dinner. Getting no response, Mom gets
increasingly angry and begins to unload on the girls about their father, making remarks like the
following:
• “He doesn’t have to make sure you get your homework done! He doesn’t have to do
your laundry!”
• “He buys you toys and junk and things you don’t need just to get even with me.”
• “I get stuck with the job of trying to make you guys into responsible adults, and I take
all the crap and whining! He gets to play Good-Time Charlie.”
• “He’s just as selfish and lazy as he always was.”
Mom finally yells at the kids to get to work. They respond by being defensive about their dad,
accusing Mom of picking on Dad. She threatens Emily with losing car privileges and asks her
children to agree with her that their father is irresponsible. Jordan says she wishes she could
be back at Dad’s house. Mom is exasperated. The kids are confused and upset.
Jordan wonders if her father is a good parent after all and misses him even more. Emily is
distressed over her mother’s tirade and wonders if they would be better off living with Dad. She
thought the bickering would end with the divorce.
What Should Mom Do?
Mom has unfairly dumped her anger and disappointment on her daughters.
She needs to deal directly with the source of her frustration—the father’s
behavior or lack of cooperation. But the mother and father don’t get along and
usually end up arguing and trading accusations. They need to communicate
with less emotion. They need to speak about the issues they find difficult to
deal with, but without focusing on blaming.
23
“I” Messages
The parents need to use what are called “I” messages, as opposed to “you” messages. To say
“You’re spoiling the kids! When they come back from your house, they are selfish, mean, and
uncaring!” is to make an accusation. This invites a defensive counterattack: “Oh, really! Well,
they’re just fine when they’re here. Maybe there’s something wrong at your house. Maybe it’s
you!”
Instead, parents can focus on stating the main issue and owning the feelings they have about
it. For example, “I feel frustrated when the kids don’t help out and when they treat me, and
each other, badly. I wonder if you could help me with this.” This invites a solution.
In an “I” message, one should:

• State one’s feelings about what is happening
• Avoid criticizing the other person’s character or motives
• Ask for a change in behavior
One conversation is not the final solution to the parents’ problems and differences, but it is a
start. It sets the tone for cooperation and an understanding of one another’s views. Often, both
are unhappy or challenged with the new family arrangements. Both have frustrations and
disappointments and have new stresses in their lives. Mom might be struggling with the
pressures of single parenting. Dad may be trying to cope with not seeing his children for twelve
out of every fourteen days.
One variation of the “I” message is the polite request. You put your request for a change in
behavior in a clearly polite form: “I would really appreciate it if you would get them to finish
some of their homework. Would you agree to this?”
While the situation produces anger, each must decide that it is in the children’s best interest
for Mom and Dad to keep their problems between themselves and to find constructive ways to
deal with the frustrations of their new family structure.
Motives
When we think that the motives behind someone’s words or actions are negative (when we
assume someone is trying to hurt us), we are very likely to have conflict with that person and
fail to resolve differences. This was evident in the several scenes in the video. When one parent
thought the worst of their co-parent’s motives, they became more aggressive. However, if they
give the other parent the benefit of the doubt and think their motives are not so negative (or
even positive), then they interact much more effectively. It is easier to stay in control and
develop more cooperation with the co-parent when given the benefit of the doubt. It is best
not to assume negative motives.
24
Most parents feel some negative emotions about their former partners when
going through a divorce or separation and dealing with the new arrangements.
List the three most powerful negative feelings you experience, and describe
what circumstances are most likely to provoke those feelings. For each of
these, try to guess the motives (the “why”) of your co-parent for doing things
that make you upset.
1.
2.
3.
Think of some motives your co-parent may have had that weren’t so negative
(either neutral or positive motives), and list them here:
Describe three times that you criticized your co-parent to your children:
1.
2.
3.
How do you think the children felt at the time? How did they react?
1.
2.
3.
25
How to use “I” messages was described earlier in this workbook. Write an “I”
message that you might have used instead when talking to your children in
each of the three situations above. Remember that you want to honestly
communicate how you feel to your children, but without criticizing their other
parent or otherwise causing them to feel caught in the middle.
1.
2.
3.
Write an “I” message that you could have said to your co-parent in each of the
three situations above. Remember that you are trying to describe how you feel
and you want to get a helpful, cooperative response. Be sure to avoid criticizing
your co-parent’s motives or character.
1.
2.
3.
How can you give your children permission to tell you when you are dumping
on their other parent and ask you to stop?
26
Describe some of the things your mother says about your father that make you
feel upset.
Describe some of the things your father says about your mother that make you
feel upset.
What do you think you could say to your mother and father to get them to stop
saying bad things about each other?
Rate how comfortable you think you would feel saying these things to your
mother and father. Rate from 1 to 5, with 1 representing “not at all
comfortable” or “terrified” and 5 representing “totally comfortable.” Explain
why you gave that rating.
What could they do that would make you feel better about telling them these
things?
Most children whose parents live apart hear their parents bad-mouth each
other. If you talked to other children you know whose parents are apart, do you
think they would understand your feelings? Would you understand theirs?
What ideas could you share with them about ways to get parents to stop bad-
mouthing each other?
27
Playing Siblings Against One Another
In all families, it is common for parents to feel differently about each of their
children. Sometimes after divorce or separation, parents will feel hurt when
one of their children seems to prefer being with the other parent and will voice
this hurt in a way that can divide siblings. Telling one of your children that you
are upset or mad or hurt that their brother or sister is siding with the other
parent is dangerous. Normal sibling competition can increase when this
happens. Siblings may resent each other for appearing to side with one parent
against the other and may rush to the defense of the other parent.
In divorced or separated families, supportive relationships with siblings really help children
adjust and cope better with stress. This important support is not available when there is strong
competition and resentment among siblings, and children are more at risk for adjustment
problems.
What problems can each of the following statements cause for children?
• “Your brother and your father are alike. They’re both selfish and don’t
care how others feel.”
• “I don’t know why your sister doesn’t want to go with us. She spends
plenty of time with her mom. Maybe she doesn’t like us.”
• “Your brother is not like you. You are kind and considerate and are not
selfish. Your dad lets your brother get away with being mean to you.”
• “I think your mom has always favored your sister over you, and
sometimes your sister really takes advantage of that.”
28
For each statement below that a parent might say, what could you say to let
him or her know how you feel about it? Your goal is to protect your relationship
with your brother or sister.
• “Your brother and your father are alike. They’re both selfish and don’t
care how others feel.”
• “I don’t know why your sister doesn’t want to go with us. She spends
plenty of time with her mom. Maybe she doesn’t like us.”
• “Your brother is not like you. You are kind and considerate and are not
selfish. Your dad lets your brother get away with being mean to you.”
• “I think your mom has always favored your sister over you, and
sometimes your sister really takes advantage of that.”
29
After divorce or separation, money usually becomes tighter for both parents.
During the time parents lived together, arguments occurred most often over
how each parent spent or saved money. After separating, this issue is still ripe
for disagreements. Since parents are still linked through child support and
other expenses arising from having children, they can never really be free of
each other until the children are grown, and often are linked together even
long afterward.
The parent who receives child support payments often believes that it is not
enough to meet his or her expenses and that the other parent should pay more
support and for extras, such as school fees, lessons, equipment for sports, and
so on. If the other parent has a higher income, a parent often feels justified in
demanding more money for the children.
For the parent paying child support, there are often feelings that the support
is too high, particularly if that parent has started a new family or has other new
financial obligations or less income. Many support-paying parents resent
having no say over how the money is spent, particularly if they think the
children are not getting their needs met. There are many temptations,
therefore, for one parent to complain to the child about the unfairness of the
other parent, especially when they are worried about finances.
30
An Example of Money Problems
Everett tells his dad that his mom forgot to pay $10 for his school field trip, which is due
tomorrow. The father tells him to ask his mom for the money, since he gives her child support,
which is supposed to cover school fees. The father is irritated that his son is asking him for this
money at the last minute and launches into a lecture on how Everett’s mother should spend
more of the support money on Everett than on herself (buying herself shoes, going to the
beauty parlor). Dad also asks Everett to tell his mother that his new wife, Jolene, will be coming
to Everett’s school concert.
Upon returning to his mother’s house, Everett asks Mom for the money. She gets angry at
Everett for not getting it from his dad and launches into a lecture about how cheap his dad is
and how he doesn’t pay enough child support while he lives a better life than she and Everett
do. She asks Everett if he asked his dad for half of the costs of his school pictures. Everett says
he forgot, adding that he really doesn’t need his school pictures.
Mom then blows up, believing he is giving up something he had wanted because he was
reluctant to ask his dad for the money. She tells Everett that other divorced dads pay for
expenses like this, and he should ask his father to do the same. Mom also expresses her anger
that his dad remarried and is supporting that woman and her children. Mom says that is why
he is so stingy with money for Everett. She tells him that the two of them must stand firm
together against the father’s stinginess.
At this point Everett would rather miss the field trip and his school pictures than argue his
mother’s case in front of his father again. He is afraid to repeat any of his father’s arguments,
which seem somewhat logical to him, because his mom would get even more upset with him.
He decides not to mention Dad’s new wife Jolene coming to the concert. It really irritates Mom
when Everett defends his dad, just as his dad gets irritated when Everett defends his mom.
Everett hears reasonable-sounding arguments from each parent about why the other parent
should change. Trying to present the other parent’s point of view is a no-win situation for
Everett. He doesn’t want to take sides, but each parent expects him to do just this.
Common Complaints About Money

• “She should spend a lot more of the money I give her on you.”
• “Let your father try to live on our budget.”
• “Ask your dad to buy you some new shoes this weekend. I don’t have the money he
does, or the free time.”
• “Tell your father to save some of the money he spends on his wife for your braces
(or college).”
• “If she can afford to fly to see her parents, she can afford to pay for your class trip.”
31
How Children Look at This Situation
Usually, children don’t have the knowledge or maturity to respond to money questions and
complaints that their parents raise. They don’t (and shouldn’t) know details of each parent’s
budget, so the children can easily be criticized when they try to defend the other parent’s
position on why that parent shouldn’t have to pay for certain expenses. When this happens,
children can feel thoughtless or stupid for not having thought of such a logical argument. Or
they feel they are now being disloyal to one parent by defending the position of the other
parent.
How Children Can Get out of the Middle

The simplest way for children to protect themselves from hearing each parent’s arguments
about money issues is to ask each parent to not discuss it with them. If they are asked to carry
messages or repeat arguments to the other parent, the children should voice their dislike of
doing this. Parents who have temporarily lost sight of the bind this puts their children in need
to hear their children say this is hard for them.
We all need reminders to cool off when we become angry. The part of our brain that protects
us from danger also prevents us from calmly solving problems. Children are fearful of saying
how they feel or what they want when parents are wound up and spouting anger about their
co-parent’s unreasonable position. Here are some examples of things parents can encourage
their children to say when the parents do this:
• “Please talk to each other about this. I can’t stand it!”

• “I just don’t know who is right. It hurts my head (or stomach) to hear about this.”
• “I wish I could make enough money to pay for this myself because then you and Dad
wouldn’t fight.”
• “Each of you has good arguments. I can’t figure it out, and I’m confused. Could you
please leave me out of this?”
• “Can I just not say anything to Mom about this? She’ll get as upset as you are now, and
that makes me feel bad.”
Bottom line: It is not your children’s job to fight your battles for you.
32
List three situations where you talked to your children about what your co-
parent should or should not be spending their money on:
1.
2.
3.
Are there times you believe that discussing your co-parent’s spending habits
with your child is necessary or useful? If so, what are these?
What could you say to your children to get them to speak up when you get
angry with their other parent?
33
List three complaints you have heard one of your parents make about your
other parent that have to do with money.
1.
2.
3.
What complaints do you dislike the most?
How do you feel when you hear your mom or dad complaining to you about
money worries? (Circle all that apply)
worried resentful afraid
bitter bored mad
Other: (write as many as you feel)
What can you say to your parents to let them know how you felt about the
complaints they make about each other?
34
Events When Both Parents Will be Present
Children usually want both of their parents to be present at sports and school events,
performances, graduations, and so on.
When parents are still hostile toward each other, the children are fearful about them being
together at one of these events. When a parent asks a child if it is all right to bring a new spouse
or a date, the child often feels scared about the anger this will bring up for the other parent.
Another stressful situation for children occurs when a child asks one parent if the other parent
can attend an event that is not during that parent's normal scheduled time with the child. The
child is torn between wanting both parents to be present and not wanting to make one parent
angry.
How would you respond to your child asking the following questions?
• “Can Dad come to my birthday party?”
• “Mom and her boyfriend want to come to my team’s party after the
game. Is that OK with you?”
• “Would you come over to Dad’s for my graduation party? His wife is
cooking a lot of good food.”
35
When children spend time with each parent in two different homes after a
separation, both parents have a right to have certain information about the
children's life in the other home. This is particularly true regarding school,
doctor and dentist visits, clothing needs, special outings, and the children's
general well-being and adjustment to their new lives.
Parents should share information regarding such matters without relying on

the children to carry messages. But there are many times when the children
are an appropriate source of information about the quality of life in the other
home, and it is natural and comfortable for a child to provide information
when asked.
Sometimes, however, the children may be a tempting source of information

about the other parent's life that may not be appropriate. Many parents are
curious about how their co-parent is getting along and what decisions he or
she is making about personal matters. The children should not be placed in the
role of reporting about these private issues. Children may feel uneasy if they
are asked about their other parent's private life. They may feel they are being
asked to violate the other parent's trust and privacy.
Further, children may not want to report on certain events in the other home
because they fear that the information will be unpleasant for the parent who
is asking.
36
An Example of Questioning
May, a young girl, returns home to her mom after a weekend with her dad. Mom asks about the
weekend, and May responds with moderate enthusiasm, giving an overview of events,
including mentioning her dad’s new girlfriend, Gina. Mom begins to ask more questions about
Gina’s involvement, including how much time she spends with dad, whether she sleeps over,
whether she tries to “play mom” with May, and so forth. Mom complains when she hears that
May has stopped going to her grandmother’s house for dinner on Sundays because the
grandmother doesn’t like Gina. May grows increasingly uncomfortable as the questions
become more personal in nature. She drifts off in thought, wondering if she was wrong in
thinking Gina was OK, wishing her mom wouldn’t ask so many questions, and wishing he
wouldn’t get so upset about her mom’s new life.
Mom is concerned about his daughter’s life at the dad’s house, but she is also a little jealous
and threatened that dad’s new partner may be taking on some of mom’s role. May becomes
increasingly uncomfortable. She senses her mom’s reactions to the information and doesn’t
want her to feel threatened. May is protective of her mom’s emotions. This is a natural feeling,
but it is not a child’s responsibility. At the same time, May cares about her dad and his
happiness. She likes dad’s new boyfriend and would like to feel that her dad’s judgment is OK.
She doesn’t feel good about her mom’s assumptions.
What Should a Parent Do in Such a Situation?

May’s dad senses the change in his daughter’s mood and skillfully invites her to talk about it.
When May hesitates to open up, her dad reassures her that it is OK to say whatever is on her
mind, that he won’t be hurt or angry at what she might say.
This is a good approach to take since one of May’s concerns is her dad’s feelings. Dad makes
May feel comfortable enough to tell him that she doesn’t like reporting on her mom’s life, that
it makes her feel like a spy. After he realizes how he has put May in a bind, Dad honestly
acknowledges what he has done. He then says that these matters really should be kept
between the parents and that he would talk with her mother about his concerns. May is
obviously relieved.
It is important in such situations for parents to send clear messages to

children that:
• each family member is entitled to privacy,

• the children will not be asked to violate this right by having to report
to the other parent, and
• each parent is supportive of the children’s relationship with the other
parent.
37
However, if a parent suspects that there is neglect or abuse, then asking children to talk
about events is an appropriate first step. If such concerns appear to be justified, then it is
important to go directly to the other parent for more information. In this case, the concerned
parent should avoid making it sound like the children are tattling and instead emphasize that
the concern is initiated by the questioning parent. If the situation sounds dangerous enough,
the concerned parent may need to consider contacting other authorities or consulting with an
attorney, pastor, or Child Protective Services in his or her county.
Describe three times when you asked your children about the situation in the
other home that you believe were appropriate (for example, asking about
school, health, or social occasions).
1.
2.
3.
Now describe three occasions when you inappropriately asked your children to
report on the situation in their other home because for, example, the request
violated the other parent’s privacy, or your questioning implied that you
disapproved of the other parent’s choices or lifestyle.
1.
2.
3.
38
How did your children react to your requests for information in Questions 1
and 2?
When you catch yourself asking inappropriate questions of your children, or

when they send you verbal or nonverbal signs that they are feeling
uncomfortable, what should you say? Be specific.

Most parents ask their children questions about what happens in the other
parent’s home. Some of these things can be personal and private. Answering
such questions may make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel like a spy.
List some things that your mother and father have asked you about each other.
How did you feel when you were asked these questions?
What do you think you could do to get your mom and dad to stop asking you
these questions? You want them to stop asking about personal stuff, but you
also don’t want them to get angry with you. What could you say?
39
Making Children Feel Guilty About a Parent’s Loneliness
It is normal for parents to feel lonely without their children. After all, they have gone from
having a family every day to having their children only part of the time. Often there is no one
else there to fill the gap, at least for a while. This experience will be most painful for parents
who no longer live full time with their children.
There is a powerful temptation to want to share the pain of loneliness with the children.
Parents should make a point of minimizing the children’s need to worry by stating clearly that
while the parent may miss the children and will be thinking of them, that they will be fine, will
have good times, and will be busy with things to do.
An Example:
“You know,” says Missy’s father as he tucks her into bed, “it doesn’t seem very fair that I only
get to see you every other weekend. Your mother has you all the time. It’s so long between our
visits. I miss you so much in between. Daddy gets so lonely without you. Your mother has a new
boyfriend, so I don’t think she gets very lonely when you’re here with me. And it’s only a couple
of days anyway. But for me it’s two whole weeks! And I don’t have anybody but you. I sure miss
you, sweetie. Well, time to go to sleep. I love you.”
How does Missy feel? What thoughts might she be having?
Who might Missy think is responsible for her father’s loneliness? Her mom? Her
mom’s new boyfriend? Her dad?
40
It is obvious that the father misses his daughter very much and that the time
between visits is painful for him. To avoid having Missy feel responsible,
however, what can he safely say to her about his feelings? What should he
avoid saying? Why?
Since Dad feels such strong loneliness during his daughter’s absence, what
should he do? Who else might he share his feelings with?
How do you think Missy feels?
What could she say to her dad to make herself and her dad feel better while
also being honest?
41
There has been a real shift in the relationships of parents who come to court
over their children. It used to be that most divorcing or separating parents
were in a traditional relationship with a man and a woman who were married.
Now, many of these parents are not married to each other. Some parents have
lived together—and raised their children together— for many years. They may
be same-sex couples who did not have the option to marry or people who
simply chose not to marry for other reasons. Some parents have had just a few
years of raising their children together, and others have never lived together
and have no experience with co-parenting.
When the children are very young, parents are stressed by their many needs.
Being able to get a break from this requires trust that the co-parent can handle
the infant or toddler.
An Example of Non-Traditional Parents

A young mom and dad don’t have much experience co-parenting their infant daughter, Tonya,
together. Dad calls Mom to tell her he is coming over to take Tonya. Mom tells him she just put
Tonya down for a nap and that this isn’t a good time. Dad insists on his right to see her, then
goes to Mom’s apartment. When he arrives, Mom tells him to come back later, after Tonya
finishes her nap. Dad has to go to a class later and cannot come back. He insists that Mom wake
up Tonya and says that she can nap at his mother’s place. Mom refuses, and they argue. Mom
doesn’t want Dad’s mother taking care of Tonya because she drinks too much. Tonya wakes
up crying, and Mom insists Dad leave. He does.
42
What Should the Parents Do in This Situation?
These parents need to get in the habit of talking to each other when they are calm and not
demanding. Trust will not develop when either parent is fearful of the other or worried about
the quality-of-care Tonya will get. Dad can learn how to calm the part of his brain that causes
him to get angrier. He can repeat back to Mom what she is saying by using Active Listening.
This way Mom will know Dad is hearing her concerns. Mom can also use Active Listening skills
to let Dad know that she hears his worry that he won’t get enough time with Tonya and won’t
become important to her. Both Mom and Dad could use Self-Talk or Stop-Look-Listen skills
before speaking. This will help them to calm themselves and stick to the subject.
Mom and Dad can learn to become more aware of their own feelings and thoughts that take
over and prevent them from cooperating with each other. They can learn to stop the negative
judgment. They can learn to think more positively. This has the effect of calming negative
feelings (fear, anger, and worry). When parents learn to step back and reconsider the negative
thoughts and feelings, they feel safer and more in control of how they respond. They will make
better decisions and allow their better nature to step up.
What are some “I” messages that Dad could have used when he asked to see
Tonya?
What are some “I” messages Mom could have used when she told Dad he
could not see Tonya when he wanted to?
List three signs that you are getting worked up.
List three things you have done to calm yourself when you got too worked up.
1.
2.
3.
43
How was your reaction different when you were calm compared to when you
were very worked up?
List some simple steps can you take each day to:
• make yourself aware of your stress level.
• calm yourself.
List at least five steps Dad can take to build trust with Mom so that she will be
willing to let him have more time with Tonya.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
44
Let’s take a look at a couple of parents who are having a lot of conflict. Maybe
you can see yourself in this situation. Let’s look at WHY these two people fight.
What’s in the way of being reasonable? What “buttons” is each pushing to get
the other one upset? What do you think their daughter is feeling?
In this scene, Dad shows up late to pick up Sarah and Mom is angry. Sarah
wonders if her Dad will show up at all and tempers run even higher when
Mom’s boyfriend gets involved.
When a parent is late to pick up their child, especially if it is a pattern, the

impact on the child and the other parent is negative. The parents can get into
a fierce argument when they assume the worst about each other's motives.
When new partners are involved and criticize the other parent, tempers flare
and the problem is not resolved. The child feels very stressed and can feel
responsible for the fighting.
45
So, what can be done when you don’t feel you can control
the fighting?
You could go to court and try to force things the way you want them to be. But be cautious —
going to court can create further anger and resentment and may actually prolong the conflict.
And, the court may not agree with you. In general, it is best to avoid court as much as possible.
It is expensive and time consuming. And, while it will issue orders, that is rarely the end of the
conflict. This is because when the court rules, it usually rules in favor of one parent — and that
means that it rules against the other. The “winner” will feel vindicated (“I was right! The court
agrees with me.”). The “loser” will feel angry and unsatisfied (“The court is crazy! They didn’t
understand me. I need to go back and make a better case. I’m not going to give up until they
see things my way!”). You are rolling the dice when you go to court. The judge may have up to
50 cases in a day and will not have adequate time to hear all the relevant facts in your case. So,
he or she will make a decision that may not go your way.
But, if things are serious — and possibly dangerous — then you should consider
taking some legal steps.
You can ask the court for a temporary ruling

of a parenting plan. This would clarify living
arrangements and access by both parents
until a final hearing is held. It can then be
modified or left in place if circumstances have
not changed. At any time in the future, orders
can be modified.
You can ask for a restraining order if

harassment or stalking is taking place,
especially if you have real reason to believe
that you or the children could be harmed. Restraining orders need to be followed by all parties.
If they are not, the violator can be found in contempt of court and may be fined or imprisoned.
Also, one’s standing in future court hearings may be jeopardized. If you think an order is unfair,
you can ask the court for a review.
You can ask for supervised access so that an unstable or overly angry parent will be allowed
time with the children only in the company of an officer of the court or another responsible
adult, or under very controlled conditions. Such supervision can also be asked for if there is
reason to believe that a parent is likely to take the children and run. You can ask for mental
health evaluations if that is a concern. If it is found that a parent does indeed have a mental
health problem, treatment can begin, and supervised access with the children can be arranged.
46
There are other options that are less threatening to the other parent, and
probably more constructive. These options are available and appropriate for
all but the most severe cases of parental conflict.
Most communities are now requiring all divorcing and separating parents to attend co-
parenting educational classes. These classes can be quite helpful in prompting parents to step
outside their own concerns and learning to see the situation from the points of view of their
children and the other parent. A few classes can be very helpful in teaching new
communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and coping skills. If your community does not
automatically order parents to participate in such classes, ask that both of you be ordered to
attend.
Again, many communities automatically require divorcing or separating parents to try

mediation to resolve their problems before they are allowed to come to court. Mediation can
be appropriate for almost all couples in conflict. Mediators are individuals who are specially
trained to remain neutral and to help the two of you to design a plan that will meet everybody’s
needs. Mediators are not judges; they do not impose solutions. Most people who try mediation
find it to be very helpful, and they like the solutions. They rarely go back to court, because the
plan is their own, and they both have agreed to it. And it is usually much less expensive than
going to court! You can ask the court to order the two of you into mediation.
Sometimes it is appropriate to ask the court to order you both into evaluations by specially
trained psychologists or parenting plan specialists. Be sure that assessments of both mom and
dad’s parenting abilities are done in their homes (rather than somebody’s office), with
observations of you and your children together. Psychological tests alone cannot assess
parenting abilities. Often the evaluator recommends therapy and a parent coordinator. You
can save yourself time and money by seeing a therapist or parent coordinator first, and you
may not need a custody evaluation.
Sometimes you can avoid arguments and unpleasant confrontations by arranging neutral or
public places to exchange the children. Probably more children are exchanged at McDonald's
restaurants than any other place in America. Or you can arrange an exchange without ever
seeing the other parent, such as dropping the kids off at a trusted relative’s home for the other
parent to pick up later, or one parent takes the kids to day care or school, and the other picks
them up. These types of arrangements can be imposed by a court order.
47
Active Listening
“Active listening” is a skill that helps you tune in to what the other parent is saying. As the
name suggests, you actively work at hearing what the other has said.
Stop thinking of your next accusation about him or her. Instead, listen to what the other parent
just said to you, and then try to summarize back what you just heard. For example, when Kathy
said something about Wayne always being late, Dad could say back to her, “I see. Check me on
this. What you’re saying is that when I’m late and don’t call, Sarah worries that maybe I won’t
be coming at all.” Mom will then correctly conclude that you heard her, and that you
understand her issues. She will calm down.
When it is clear to Mom that she has been heard correctly (she will send a signal — like, “Yeah,
that’s right.”) then Dad can try to use his communication skills to get across his concern.
For example, Dad could say: “Gosh, I’m sorry. I really don’t want Sarah to worry about me
showing up. I had no idea. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that kind of situation. I’ll try to
do better. I think sometimes I’m late because I get real upset at the prospect of running into
Bob at your house. I’d feel better if maybe you could ask him to not come to the door when it’s
time for me to get Sarah.”
See how much better that sounds?
HOW TO USE ACTIVE LISTENING
1. Listen to what the other person just said.

“You’re late! You’re always late! You try dealing with kids when
you’re late...”
2. Try to say back to the other person what you think you heard
the person say. “So, when I’m late and don’t call, the kids worry
and you get frustrated trying to reassure them that I’ll be
there...”
48
When your ex is complaining to you, what can you do to calm them down so
that you can problem-solve together?
Here are a few other options:

• calm yourself so you can remain less emotionally involved
• ask questions about their point of view, and avoid challenging them
• ask the other parent for their proposal or solution
• having a picture of your children visible when you meet can help you
be better attuned to them.
• ask about what the children need
• ask about what the other parent needs
• ask what you could do to try to meet those needs
Write down what you might say to your co-parent when you are exchanging
your child(ren):
Write down how you might calm yourself if anger arises:
49
Write down a time when one of your parents was late or did not follow through
on something they said they would do:
Write down how that made you feel:
Write down how you could tell your Mom or Dad how you feel the next time
something like that happens:
50
Divorcing/Separating parents tend to have a lot of conflict and little
communication. Conflict resolution isn’t easy to achieve, but it can be done
with continuing to use the skills you have learned.
In this scene, Sean comes home from his Dad’s house and has not yet started
his book report. It is now Sunday and Mom is not happy that he had two weeks
to complete the report but didn’t. Dad is upset that Mom didn’t have Sean
complete the report before his weekend.
What can be done?
In this case, using communication skills like “I” Messages, Active Listening, Self-Talk and
Parallel Parenting can be very useful.
Most parents who are still together take care of parenting either by doing things together, or in
a series of exchanges of duties. When the couple separates or divorces, this becomes very
difficult to do, if not impossible.
Since each parent now has his or her own home, each tends to want to do their parenting in
their own way. This is in part because of ongoing anger and conflict — neither wants to “give
in” to the other’s wishes. In a way, it is an attempt to assert a newfound independence.
At the same time, however, it is likely to increase anger and conflict, as the other parent is seen
as being stubborn, selfish, and uncooperative.
51
An Example of Parallel Parenting
What works best in these kinds of situations is for each parent to do their
parenting separately, but to do it in parallel. That is, they have agreed on
standards and expectations for the children, and they have agreed on how to
help their children achieve these goals.
The key to parenting in parallel is that the parents must communicate about
important issues, keeping in mind their common goals for the children, and
must negotiate how they are going to get their parenting done.
This type of parenting is similar to being business partners. You don’t live
together, but you have to cooperate in pursuit of a common goal.
Ask Questions to Learn the Needs of the Other Person
ASK QUESTIONS. By all means, ask questions. But ask them quietly — don’t shout them. And
remember, the purpose in asking is not to accuse or blame the other parent, but to gather
information so you can better assess the problem and help come up with a workable solution.
Ask about what the kids need. Ask what the

other parent needs. Ask how the other parent
would like you to try to meet those needs. You
will be surprised at what you learn, and you
will be pleasantly surprised when the two of
you begin to have a constructive conversation
instead of an argument.
Notice that the questions we suggest are

open-ended. You will get more information
this way. If you use closed-ended questions,
the potential answers are limited to just what you are looking for. For example, “Don’t you
think you should help Sean with his homework?” That’s close-ended. The other parent can only
answer “yes,” and you haven’t really learned anything. The other parent will feel like you set a
trap.
52
What skills did Mom and Dad use to resolve this potential problem, and to show
good parallel parenting? Can you spot at least five skills? List them below:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
How was Mom’s thinking at the start of this scene helpful?
1. She did not attribute Sean’s forgetting his homework to something negative
(like laziness), instead giving him the benefit of the doubt.
2. She planned what she was going to say and reminded herself that her goal
was getting Paul’s help and avoiding an argument.
3. She planned to make a polite request rather than a demand.
4. She planned to keep the communication brief, stay on the topic, and keep a
business-like tone to her voice.
5. She tells herself to think positive, to pretend that Paul is a co-worker, and
she takes several deep breaths to relax herself.
Mom promises to supervise what Sean has done on his homework when he gets home. This
let Dad know that she will support Sean being responsible and share the work with him, and
it lets Sean know that both parents are expecting him to be accountable and that they
support his efforts.
53
There are many ways you can establish a cooperative alliance with your
children’s other parent. Think of goals for your children that you probably
share with that parent, as you did earlier in this manual. Create five brief
statements you can make to your “ex” to establish a cooperative alliance. You
may use this list of goals most parents have for their children.
Responsible Cooperative Compassionate

Playful Mature Strong
Assertive Self-confident Happy
Relaxed Enthusiastic Successful in School
Example: “I’d like it if you would encourage Julie to have a friend over this
weekend. I think we both want to see her improve her confidence with making
and keeping friends.”
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
54
Take a look at the feelings wheel below and color in the section of how you
feel when Mom or Dad argue.
Now color in how you feel when you get in trouble for something.
Last, color in how you feel right now.
55
Ashlyn’s father arrives a little early to pick her up for his time with her, but Mom
sees this as him trying to manipulate her. Mom makes Ashlyn wait to go out to
the car with her Dad and in turn, Dad gets upset with Ashlyn for having to wait.
If these parents continue to refuse to have contact, it can lead to further stress
in their daughter, and makes it more likely that one parent will begin seeing
Ashlyn less because they don’t want to have interactions. Who loses in this
situation? Everyone, especially Ashlyn.
When children lose regular, meaningful contact with a parent, their risk for developing a variety
of serious problems goes up: behavior problems, depression, suicide, substance abuse,
juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (because they are more
sexually active earlier), and school failure. Surely, these are not outcomes you would wish for
your children.
A combination of low self-esteem, absence of a clear role, and rejection from the children leads
many fathers to stop seeing their children, especially when they are far away. A decrease in
contact may signal a need for family therapy to re-establish regular contact. Even when
finances and distance allow only infrequent contact, spending the summer together, though
not sufficient for most children, allows an opportunity to maintain a close parent-child
relationship (and provides a break for the residential parent).
56
Calling regularly (preferably at set times so the children know to expect it) and letters, texts,
and emails help the children deal with the loss of contact. Emailing or texting audio files with
the absent parent telling a story to the child, playing games online, or discussing a movie or
television show both have seen are some of the activities to help maintain a relationship. For
young children, who have trouble with concepts of time, give them a calendar with the date of
the next contact circled and noted. Some children like to cross off each day before they see
their other parent, so they feel they are making progress dealing with the absence.
It is always a good idea to put at least one picture of the absent parent in the child’s room. For
school aged children who can use the Internet, email and texting are excellent ways for them
to stay in frequent contact with the absent parent. Not only can written messages be
exchanged, but also pictures can be sent as attachments, webcams and video (i.e., FaceTime
calls) allow the parent and child to see and speak to each other when apart.
The book, 101 Ways to be a Long Distance Super Dad is full of creative, workable ideas. There
are also excellent suggestions, for both moms and dads who are separated from their children,
available at www.daads.com. This website offers a free weekly email reminder service for
absent parents to communicate with their children and gives them a different way of doing so
each week.
When a lack of confidence in parenting contributes to loss of contact with the children, the
parent should attend parenting classes, look for instructional DVDs on parenting, or buy a self-
help book on parenting.
The self-help online program Parenting Wisely (www.parentingwisely.com), has been very
effective at quickly improving parenting skills and confidence in just several hours of use. These
skills can be readily learned and will quickly improve with practice.
It often helps for the absent parent to arrange to spend time with a friend of the same sex when
they both are with their children. In this way, the experienced friend can be an example and a
coach for the uncertain parent. Support groups such as Parents Without Partners and Mothers
Without Custody can help team up single parents for support.
In addition, your local community may have programs or groups you can join. Check with your
court, children’s service agencies, local college or university, religious groups, or community
mental health organizations for more information.
57
List three other reasons parents do not see their children regularly after
separation that do not have to do with the residential parent.
1.
2.
3.
Write down how you think your child would feel if they lost contact with you or
their other parent:
Think of a time where you felt that your co-parent was purposely doing
something to get a reaction out of you:
Now write down how you could have looked at the situation differently to
reduce the stress on you and your child(ren).
Write down the risks for children when they lose regular, meaningful contact
with a parent:
58
Write down a time when you missed your Mom or Dad:
Did you tell your other parent that you missed Mom or Dad?
Try saying to your Mom or Dad what you might say if you miss one of your
parents.
Write down some feelings you have when you miss someone you care about:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Now write down some activities you can do to feel better when you have the
feelings above:
59
When Dad shows up at Armand’s school, both parents and the new boyfriend
have a hard time communicating effectively. Both Mom and Dad call for
Armand once he exits his class and put him in the middle of a tug of war.
In situations such as this, where both parents want to be there for their child,
there are many things that they could do to ease the distress of separation or
divorce on their child(ren).
Here we will present some simple suggestions for doing things that can make
a big difference in the two areas most critical for children: Conflict and loss of
contact with a parent.
Think of how these different areas may have an impact on Armand now, and in
the future.
60
NEW COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
You can learn how and when to use new communication skills. This is easy, and very important.
If you yell at the other parent, and make accusations, this will simply result in the other parent
yelling back at you and making counter-accusations. Nobody likes to be yelled at. It makes you
want to counterattack, to defend yourself. The whole encounter spirals downward, getting
worse and worse. Break that cycle by learning and using the following easy communication
skills.
ONE TOPIC AT A TIME. First, before meeting with the other parent, decide what topic you
are going to talk about, and vow to stay on just that topic, no matter what the other parent
says. Resist the temptation to counterattack by dredging up your long laundry list of
complaints about the other person. One topic at a time. Stick to today’s topic. Keep directing
the discussion back to that one topic.
“I” MESSAGES. Too often when we are angry, we slip into using “you” messages. A “you”
message is an accusation: “You are irresponsible. You don’t make the kids do their homework.
You are lazy.” And so forth. How does it make you feel when someone uses “you” statements?
If you are like most people, it makes you want to say, “Oh, yeah? Well, you......!”
Short of going to court, are there things that you — the

parents — can do on your own? Yes!
First let’s look at some basic facts about conflict.
CONFLICT IS PART OF LIFE. It is important to note that conflict at some level is simply a
part of life. But while conflict may be inevitable, it is not inevitable that we should react to it by
getting even angrier, thereby making the situation worse. And we don’t have to react to it by
lashing out at the other people involved or striking back should they lash out at us. You cannot
control how others will react in a conflict situation. But you can control how you respond.
TYPES OF CONFLICT. There are two types of conflict. Destructive conflict is the type that is
most harmful and is the type you typically think of when someone says “conflict.” It involves
blaming — you are right, the other side is wrong. One side wins, the other loses. And the loser
typically retaliates.
On the other hand, constructive conflict leads the parties involved to want to find a solution.
Instead of trying to prove who is right, the focus is on solving the problem so that both sides
can get on with a less conflictful life. It takes skills and patience to focus on problems instead
of blame and winning. While not easy at first, you can learn to use these skills.
61
Using AIKIDO to Bend with Conflict
Aikido is an ancient Japanese philosophy for living with conflict that many people find easy
to learn and very useful. Essentially it involves bending, but not breaking, in the face of conflict.
Grass bends in a strong wind, but it doesn’t break. You can do the same in conflict — let it blow
over you like wind. Bend with it. Then bounce back. So, when the other parent attacks you with
verbal hostility, stand your ground quietly, let the attack flow over you, and move on calmly
with your request. With no reaction from you, the other person will soon give up, literally
running out of wind. But some parents will intensify their efforts to get an emotional reaction
from you. In this case you have to stay with your strategy until that parent gives up on getting
an emotional reaction.
Center yourself. Find the inner, calm you. Take a deep breath when you feel
angered. Pause. Breathe deeply before responding, and reply from
strength of purpose, not anger.
Your first impulse may be to lash out. Try to set aside this reaction and
figure out what the other person’s real concerns are. The other person is
upset. Ask yourself why. See if you can accept what the other is trying to
say, in spite of the torrent of angry words. Accept that from that person’s
point of view, there is something important that you need to hear.
Calm yourself and ask questions of the other person to try to clarify his or
her concern. After the torrent of words and accusations, take that deep
breath, center yourself, and calmly ask questions that will help you to see
the problem from the other person’s point of view.
Make your concern real. Instead of, “What is your problem!” try “I can see that you are upset.
I’m trying to understand what it is that is bothering you so I can help find a solution.”
This will lead you to working with the other person to solve the problem, instead of challenging
their view of the situation. Acknowledge that you haven’t responded well in the past, but that
you now want to work with him or her to avoid this problem in the future. You will notice a
remarkable change in the air, as the other person must acknowledge your openness and
sincerity.
USING AIKIDO
• Accept conflict, move it out of harm’s way
• Center yourself; take deep breaths
• Don’t get defensive; accept the other person’s concern
• Remain detached; calmly ask questions and listen to the answers
• Work with other as opposed to challenging them
62
List below at least two ways that you have put your children into a loyalty
conflict (if you can’t think of any, ask your child — they see things differently
than you do):
1.
2.
3.
Write down what you might say if you saw your co-parent at your child(ren)’s
school or function:
Think of a time when you felt that you put your child in the middle of your
conflict with your co-parent and how you might change that interaction in the
future:
63
Write down how you would feel if you had both parents at a school meeting or
a special day:
Why would you feel that way?
List some things that you can think of where you would like both Mom and Dad
to be there:
1.
2.
3.
4.
64
In summary, the tasks of letting go of anger, reducing conflict with the other
parent, and learning to do parallel parenting are tough challenges. With the
ideas in this manual and the exercises that allow you to practice the skills
featured here and in the program, you will make steady progress. If you work
on giving the other parent the benefit of the doubt and remember that you
both have very similar goals for your children, these skills will work much bet-
ter. Your conflict will not change overnight, but with your determination and
focus on your children’s needs, you will surprise yourself how far you can
progress. You can improve your children’s chances for future happiness and
good adjustment by staying in regular contact with them and shielding them
from your conflicts with their other parent.
65

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ABOUT CDE

FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONTACT:

CDE’s Children in Between: High Conflict Solutions Parents’ Guidebook

1st Edition, 2018

CONFLICT BEHAVIORS: Mild to Severe

The Nature of Conflict

How Common is Conflict in Separating Couples?

COSTS OF CONFLICT TO YOU

Why is Conflict So Undesirable?

COSTS OF YOUR CONFLICT TO YOUR CHILDREN

What stage of grief are you in right now?

1. I am angry at you for:

2. I am angry at myself for:

4. You should have:

5. I wish we could have:

6. I’m sorry for:

7. I want you to acknowledge:

8. I feel that you owe me:

9. I feel that I owe you:

10. I need to forgive myself for:

11. I need to forgive you for:

12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following:

13. I have enriched you in the following ways:

14. For our children I wish:

15. For you I wish:

16. For me I wish:

17. For all of us I wish:

A. We have the following goals and hopes for our children:

An Example of Carrying Messages

Casey is afraid to say anything to his parents

A. “I hate it when they won’t talk to each other.”

How Children Can Get out of the Middle

What should the father have done differently?

What should the mother have done differently?

What Should Mom Do?

In an “I” message, one should:

ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS

Common Complaints About Money

How Children Can Get out of the Middle

• “Please talk to each other about this. I can’t stand it!”

What complaints do you dislike the most?

worried resentful afraid

bitter bored mad

Other: (write as many as you feel)

ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS

• “Can Dad come to my birthday party?”

Parents should share information regarding such matters without relying on

Sometimes, however, the children may be a tempting source of information

What Should a Parent Do in Such a Situation?

It is important in such situations for parents to send clear messages to

• each family member is entitled to privacy,

ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS

When you catch yourself asking inappropriate questions of your children, or

ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN

ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS

How does Missy feel? What thoughts might she be having?

ACTIVITIES FOR CHILDREN

How do you think Missy feels?

An Example of Non-Traditional Parents

ACTIVITIES FOR PARENTS