“A FEELGOOD HIT”

by

Guy Howlett

1B Field Street
Perth, Western Australia, 6050
0422267350
Jasper, 17, psyches himself up in front of the locker room
mirror like a prize-winning athlete. Considering his shape,
the prize was a wooden-spoon or diabetes.
JASPER
Give me a J, an A, an S, P, E, R! What
does that spell?
(points to reflection)
It spells ‘you’. You’re a winner.
Wesley, 17, a nervy sci-fi geek, scurries into the room
with his awkwardly long limbs, awkwardly curly hair and,
well, general awkwardness.
JASPER
Got the shit?
Wesley hands Jasper a large bag in exchange for $100.
WESLEY
Why do you want this so bad?
JASPER
Why does anyone want anything? Respect.
Power. Handjobs.
Jasper gestures for Wesley to turn around. We stay on
Wesley and hear Jasper talk off-screen.
JASPER (O.S.)
This is my key to reaching the top of
the school’s social ladder. ‘Cause
nothing climbs a ladder better than…
A furry hand taps Wesley’s shoulder. He turns around and
sees Jasper dancing about in a ratty gorilla costume.
JASPER (CONT’D)
…A MONKEY! Oo Oo!
WESLEY
It’s a gorilla! King Kong. And when he
tried climbing something, it didn’t
work out too well. Anyway, I need it
back next week because Sci-Fi-Con is -
Wesley notices the pile of clothing beside Jasper’s feet,
that includes a pair of boxers emblazoned with “#1 STUD”.
WESLEY (CONT’D)
You’re not naked in there, are you?

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 JASPER
The eighth wonder of the world is free
from its cage.

EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH – FOOTBALL FIELD. DAY.

It’s match day for the Stillview Apes. A handful of the
players’ parents and younger siblings have come to cheer
them on. So has Leroy.
Leroy, 17, sticks out like a Goth at a football game.
Mainly because he is. His black bowl-cut and suit makes him
look like a Goth Beatle.
He mockingly waves an oversized foam hand you get at sports
games: except his is a middle finger with “FUCK YOUR TEAM”
on it. An outraged mum walks up to him.
PARENT
Take that off! I have kids here.
Leroy looks at her. Nods. Takes off the foam finger, then
pulls out another from his bag and puts it on. It says
“FUCK YOU TOO”.
Jasper runs out onto the field in his ape costume. He’s
holding an oversized banana prop. The ten-or-so fans cheer.
Sam, 17, an acne-coated bully scores a point. Jasper goes
in for a high five, but doesn’t get one. He chants -
JASPER
You da man, Sam! You da man, Sam
BAM! Two 10-year-olds knock him down and pretend to hump
him. Another kid runs up and helps Jasper up.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Thanks, kid. And remember: don’t hump
monkeys. That’s how AIDS started.
The kid hands him his banana back. Jasper starts pretending
to eat it and ride it like a horse, not realizing that the
kid drew some balls at the base of it. The crowd laughs.
Craig, 17, a nasty football player with a punchable face,
rips Jasper’s headpiece off, then starts pushing him.
CRAIG
What the fuck are you supposed to be?
Get off the fucking field, weirdo.

3
 JASPER
I’m the team mascot. Like they have in
America. Go Craig. Kick the ball. Score
a point.
THWAK! Craig punches him. The image freezes as his face
contorts and droplets of blood glisten like rubies.
TITLE CARD: A FEELGOOD HIT
Craig runs off leaving Jasper nursing his jaw.
JASPER
Well, you knew the dangers of playing
footy when you signed, Jasper. GO APES!
Jasper, ever-unflappable, spits out some blood, then gets
back up. The team has huddled together in a ring to discuss
strategy. Jasper pushes his way into it.
SAM
Trevor, you stay on 23! Craig, Don’t
let 16 out of your sight again!
JASPER
And while you do that, I’ll pretend my
banana’s a guitar to pump up the crowd.
Jasper strums the dick-banana. Trevor, 17, a heavy-set
ginger with a chip on his shoulder, gets out a cigarette
lighter and FWOOPH, sets the back of his costume on fire.
TREVOR
This doesn’t compare to what we’ve got
planned for you at camp.
Jasper drops and rolls. It’s still burning. He throws the
head off and crawls out of the ape costume, naked and
sweaty.
He grabs a cooler of water and pours it over the costume,
extinguishing the flames. Then turns to see horrified kids
and parents looking at him. He covers his junk.
JASPER
And that’s how apes evolved into man.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – TOILETS. DAY.

Wesley checks to see if the Gents Bathroom is empty. He
then gets into a cubicle, pops in his earphones and starts

4
watching a geeky sci-fi cartoon on his portable DVD player.
He notices there’s a glory hole cut into the cubicle
partition next to him. He covers it with a piece of paper
that says “NO THANKS. SORRY :)” on it.
His phone vibrates. There’s a message: “Try to make some
friends today, Wesley. Love, Mum.” She’s sent a pic too:
two cartoon boats smiling at each other with the headline
“Friend Ships make life a cruise!”
WESLEY
Know what’s better than friendships?
Space ships.
He lights up a joint and watches the spaceships laser
zapping away on the portable DVD player’s screen.
Sam, Trevor and Craig walk into the bathroom. Wesley
listens in on their conversation. Trevor opens a package.
TREVOR
Look what arrived in time for camp.
Jasper, Leroy and Wesley are fucked.
CRAIG
Y’sure we’re not going too far?
SAM
If we want the S.O.B.s to notice us, we
need to do something big, Craig!
Wesley perches atop the toilet and sneakily tries to peek
over the cubicle door. The portable DVD player drop and the
headphones rip out. The movie blares out loud.
TREVOR
Who’s in there?
Wesley doesn’t want them to find out it’s him. He starts
squirting water into the toilet to simulate the sound of
diarrhea and disguises his voice as -
WESLEY (YODA VOICE)
Come in here, don’t! Hrngh! Diarrhea I
have. Catchy it could be. HRNGHHHH!
CRAIG
Is that supposed to be Fozzie Bear?
TREVOR
Nah. It’s the space frog. Yogi.

5
Sam’s not going to have any of it. He kicks open the door.
Wesley gives a pleading smile of obeisance.
WESLEY
Want to start a friend ship? It makes
life a cruise?
He responds by smashing Wesley’s DVD player on the ground.
Wesley tries to get a look at the package Trevor’s holding.
SAM
You’ll find out at camp. Don’t worry:
I’ve got something for you today too.
HARD CUT
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH. CORRIDOR.
The bullies have locked Wesley in a locker. We can hear him
yelling from within.
WESLEY
LET ME OUT! I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
The locker next to him starts talking too: it’s Jasper.
JASPER
How cool’s this. We’re being hazed.
Like in a frat movie. Soon they’ll free
us and be like “you passed the test,
brother. Let’s go get some handjobs.”
WESLEY
No. They want to kill us and Leroy. I
overheard them. They’ve got something
planned for camp. Even that psycho,
Craig, thinks they’re going too far.
JASPER
Really? He once stabbed me with a
compass in geometry. Now I’m terrified
of circles.
WESLEY
Yep! WE’RE GOING TO DIE! HELP. HELP.
JASPER
Wait. Is this just a ploy to hang out
with me?
WESLEY
IT FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN BURIED ALIVE IN
A METAL COFFIN.

6
Wesley starts slipping a long piece of paper out of the
vent in the locker door. It says “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
JASPER
Okay. You’ve convinced me you’re
genuine. So, yes, I will team up with
you at camp for safety.
WESLEY
What? Huh?
JASPER
We’ll be ‘Camp Partners’.
WESLEY
Surely, there’s a better term for that?
Should we get Leroy to join us?
Then the third locker starts talking (spoiler: it’s Leroy).
LEROY
Not interested. I’m not going to camp.
WESLEY
Did they force you in a locker too?
LEROY
No. I hang here because it’s like being
buried alive in a metal coffin.
Leroy lets himself out of the locker and walks off.
JASPER
Don’t worry, Wesley. We don’t need him.
LEROY
Said the boy stuck in a locker. Enjoy
getting killed at camp.
Leroy leaves them screaming in their lockers until -
WESLEY
Why don’t we just skip camp too.
JASPER
Then I won’t ruin my rep by hanging
with you. Great idea, camp partner!

INT. SCHOOLBUS. DAY.

The school bus is about to leave. All the kids laugh as
Jasper and Wesley are dragged into the bus by their mums.

7
Wesley’s mum addresses the kids.
WESLEY’S MUM
This is Wesley. He’d make an excellent
friend. Our house has a pool. And cake.
Jasper and Wesley sit next to each other.
JASPER
Hey, Camp Partner!
Suddenly Leroy’s dragged into the bus by his mum.
LEROY’S MUM
You’re going to school camp. And you’re
going to have the time of your life!
She HANDCUFFS him to a seat, gives him a kiss on the
forehead and hands the bus driver the keys as she leaves.
CUT TO an hour later. Leroy’s staring in disbelief at Sam
and Trevor. The bus turns one way and the force makes
Trevor lean into Sam.
SAM
Stop touching me, homo.
The bus turns the other and makes Sam lean into Trevor.
TREVOR
Stop touching me, homo.
This happens several more times. Meanwhile, Craig’s passing
the time by punching the back of Jasper and Wesley’s chair.
Craig then peers over the back of Wesley and Jasper’s seat.
Wesley’s looking at a picture he’s drawn of a TV screen
with spaceships on it.
CRAIG
Let’s play Burp Face. I burp in your
face until you guess what I’ve eaten.
Craig puts his face right up to Wesley’s and burps into it.
WESLEY
Cheese in an old diaper on the beach?
Craig shakes his head and does a meaty burp. Wesley gags
while Jasper sniffs the air enthusiastically.
JASPER
Hmmm? Sausage rolls and old tuna?

8
Craig unleashes another burp from the pit of his stomach.
Wesley curls over and starts retching.
CRAIG
Didn’t have time to eat breakfast or
brush my teeth. It’s the smell of a
stomach digesting itself.
Craig turns away and Leroy starts calling out.
LEROY
I need to pee! Stop the bus.
DRIVER
Not falling for that. You’ll just have
to piss your cape, Dracula.
Leroy gets Wesley’s attention and gives him a furtive “come
here” gesture. Wesley cautiously sits next to him.
LEROY
Help me pee and I’ll join your gang.
Leroy points to an empty bottle. Wesley picks it up and
unzips Leroy’s pants.
We hear the sound of pee streaming into the bottle. Leroy
maintains intense, unblinking eye contact with Wesley.
LEROY
Know why I push people away? They make
you think you can trust them. Next
thing you know you have piss on your
hands and a let-down-look on your face.
Leroy shakes his body to get piss on Wesley’s hands.
WESLEY
Why is your pee black?
LEROY
Ancient Goth secret. By the way, I was
lying about joining your gang.
Leroy picks the lock on the handcuffs in seconds and then
pats a very let-down-looking Wesley on the back.
LEROY (CONT’D)
There’s that look I was talking about.

9
EXT. CAMPING GROUNDS. NIGHT.
Students are assembling their TENTS in the rain as Donald,
24, an overly-bubbly camp supervisor, peps them up.
DONALD
Ready to go wild at Wilderness Camp!
JASPER
Woooooo!
DONALD
Don’t yell ‘woo’. That’s the wild
boar’s mating call. Know why they’re
called boars? They’ll boar into your
anus given the chance.
JASPER
Woah. Fuck me!
DONALD
That’s exactly what it’ll do. Just
kidding! I’m a bit of a class clown.
Now tomorrow’s an early start, so pitch
your tents and hit the hay!
CUT TO: Jasper and Leroy have nearly finished putting up
their luxury tent. Sam walks up to it and pushes it over.
Sam marches up to Leroy’s shitty little tent and makes it
even shittier by cutting a giant hole into the top of it.
Leroy shoots Jasper and Wesley a pleading look as his tent
fills up with rain. They turn away from him.

INT. CAMPING GROUNDS – LEROY’S TENT. NIGHT.

Leroy’s lying in his tent. Rain’s pouring onto his face. He
stubbornly tries to ignore it, but it’s too much.
He gets out of the tent.
CUT TO
INT. CAMPING GROUNDS – THE GANG’S TENT. NIGHT.
Leroy is in Jasper and Wesley’s tent. They’re all staring
at each other in silence.
JASPER
So? Should get to know each other?

10
Leroy and Jasper just continue to stare. Silent.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Come on, we’re letting you stay with
us. At least be friendly.
Leroy gives Jasper the finger and turns to leave.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Come on. We can turn it into a fun
game. Each of us chooses a five-minute
activity. Yeah! Me first. Me first.
CUT TO: Leroy and Wesley walk into the tent. Jasper greets
them with a handshake.
JASPER
Welcome to my birthday party, dudes.
LEROY
I think I’m going to cry.
JASPER
There’s soft drink, party pies and
later on: pass-the-parcel, playas!
LEROY
Have you been to a teen party before?
Jasper’s quiet. Wesley and Leroy look sorry for him, then -
JASPER
Yes! There’s also a hand-job room for
when the girls come.
Wesley and Leroy just shake their heads at him.
CUT TO: Wesley is sitting down smoking from a bong watching
Jasper and Leroy put on a play.
JASPER
If only I could return to my home
planet, Melmac! Here Lucky, Lucky!
LEROY
No ALF. Don’t eat the cat!
WESLEY
(crying)
God, I miss my portable TV. So much.
CUT TO: The boys are staring at each other in silence. For
a really long time. A really long time.

11
 JASPER
Dude. This was supposed to stop us
staring at each other in silence!
LEROY
This is what I want to do.
A twig snaps outside. There’s a moment of silence before
Sam, Trevor and Craig burst in and drag the boys out.

EXT. FOREST. NIGHT.

The bullies drag the boys to the middle of the woods. The
boys scream as they’re forced to take off their pants.
Wesley blows a rape whistle. Sam grabs it off him.
WESLEY
That was a, uh, rape whistle. Wild dogs
are going to run here and bite you.
LEROY
How stoned are you?
Sam grabs the whistle off Wesley and slams it between his
butt cheeks. Deep. Wesley screams.
WESLEY
AHH! He forced rape whistle inside me!
The bullies then get out some black pens and draw big veiny
dicks on the boys’ butts. Then admire their handiwork.
JASPER
Great prank, amigos! Can’t wait to jump
in the shower and rub this dick off!
SAM
We’re not done yet.
Sam pulls out a tattoo gun and starts going over the dick
drawings. The boys kick, scream and try to escape, but
Craig and Trevor hold them down.
Donald finally comes running in. But it’s too late. The
bullies scurry off into the shadows.
DONALD
Everyone okay? I heard a rape whistle!
CUT TO

12
INT. JASPER’S MUM’S CAR. DAY.
Jasper and Wesley are in the backseat of Jasper’s mum’s car
crying. Through the back windscreen, we see the campsite
get smaller and smaller as she tears off.
They notice a figure up the road: it’s Leroy.
WESLEY
Stop.
Jasper’s mum stops the car. Wesley winds the window down.
WESLEY
Why don’t you come back with us?
LEROY
I want to be alone to think up my next
move.
JASPER’S MUM
Sure? It’s a long way. You don’t strike
me as a bushwalk kind of guy.
Leroy walks off without replying. Jasper’s mum drives off.
JASPER
Forget about him.
Jasper’s mum stops the car.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Why did you stop?
JASPER’S MUM
Trust me.
They wait for a bit and Leroy walks up to the car. He’s
covered in spiders, snakes, leeches, a buzzard has landed
on his head and a fox is gnawing on his trouser leg.
LEROY
I will take you up on that lift. Can
someone help get this nature off me?

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH - PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE. DAY.

The boys are in an austere office with a giant painting of
a sweater-vest-clad principal. The real one enters:
PRINCIPAL HADDOCK, 43, looks and talks like a 50s sitcom
dad. He gives a sympathetic look and points at his crotch.

13
 HADDOCK
Penis tattoos. Golly-gosh. Poor lads.
WESLEY
The tattoos are actually on our arses,
but they’re of penises. Sir.
HADDOCK
Tell me that’s all they did to you.
WESLEY
They forced a rape-whistle into my, uh,
bottom too.
Wesley concentrates and makes the whistle squeal.
JASPER
It’s still there? You should probably
see the school nurse, dude. She’s hot.
HADDOCK
Rape whistles aren’t supposed to be
used that way. That’s not why they’re
called rape whistles. Who did this?
Leroy looks the principal dead in the eye.
LEROY
It was dark. Could’ve been anybody.
HADDOCK
C’mon. Give me the names.
Leroy presses a button on his jacket. Two prosthetic arms
sling up from the shoulders – they’re both giving the
finger. Leroy gives the principal the finger with his
actual hands too.
Wesley looks impressed at Leroy’s chutzpah.
HADDOCK
I want those names.
WESLEY
I wanted to watch a movie on my
portable DVD player. But sometimes life
tattoos a dick on your arse!
HADDOCK
Being picked on doesn’t make it right
to pick on others. If you remember the
names, call me. I’ll take care of the
S.O.B.s

14
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY.
They boys are walking down the corridor.
JASPER
I owe you guys! If they got expelled
I’d never get into their group.
LEROY
That’s not why we kept quiet: we’re
going to punish them ourselves.
JASPER
Move on, dude! Forgive and forget.
WWJD. What would Jasper do?
WESLEY
Holding onto anger’s like drinking
poison and expecting the other person
to die.
LEROY
Great idea, Wesley! We’ll poison them.
JASPER
They probably feel terrible about it!
The boys open their lockers. A wave of lube and dildos fall
out onto the ground. Sam, Trevor, Craig and some other kids
laugh at the boys as they slip about and finally trip over.
A kid runs up and snaps a photo of them on their mobile.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Watchit! Don’t run next to a pool of
lube and sex toys! That’s a dil-don’t!

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CLASSROOM. DAY.

The boys enter the classroom, dripping in lube.
WESLEY
I’m not saying that what they did was
okay, Leroy, but it’s not like they
ruined our lives forever.
Everyone in class is on YouTube watching a video of the
boys getting tattooed. The class starts pretending to cough
while saying:
CLASS
(Cough) Dickbutts. (Cough) dickbutts.
15
In the video, all of the faces of the bullies are blurred
out, but you can see Jasper, Leroy and Wesley crying.
JASPER
Over 10-million hits! We’re internet
celebrities! Woooo.
Jasper puts his hand up for a high five. He doesn’t get
one. Wesley starts twitching when he spies Sam laughing.
WESLEY
Let’s talk payback.
JASPER
And a follow up to our viral video.

EXT. JASPER’S HOUSE – FRONTYARD. NIGHT (MONTAGE).

Wesley and Leroy arrive at Jasper’s house on their bikes.
It’s your average, rutty middle-income suburban home.
Jasper excitedly greets them at the gate.
JASPER
This is my Fortress of Solid-Dude!
We see him give the boys a tour in a fast-paced MTV-style
montage. First stop: the driveway. He crouches down beside
his mum’s old sedan.
JASPER (CONT’D)
This is my mum’s wheels. 17.8ks to the
litre, mothafuckas!
CUT TO: Jasper’s flying his remote control helicopter in
the air. It’s beaming a video to the controller.
JASPER (CONT’D)
This is my remote control helicopter. I
use it to spy on my sexy-ass neighbor.
The remote control helicopter beams a shot of a regular
looking woman emptying shopping from her car. She gives the
camera the finger.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Perfect handjob-giving hands!
CUT TO
INT. JASPER’S HOUSE – LOUNGE ROOM. NIGHT. (MONTAGE)
Jasper’s in the lounge room sitting on a massage chair. He

16
points to a huge TV that makes Wesley’s jaw drop.
JASPER
This is my big screen TV!
On the screen there’s an ad for Muscly Joe’s Caryard. A
guy’s dressed as a wrestler yells -
MUSCLY JOE (TV)
Buy a car from me or I’ll punch you.
Muscly Joe punches a customer.
We cut back to Jasper: he’s rolled over so that the chair’s
massaging his crotch. Leroy looks disgusted.
CUT TO
INT. JASPER’S HOUSE – BEDROOM. NIGHT (MONTAGE).
The walls in Jasper’s bedroom are covered in motivational
posters emblazoned with words like “confidence”, “success”
and “persistence”. He’s standing next to a mirror.
JASPER
This is where I give myself that
classic Jasper-look!
Jasper breathes on the mirror. It reveals a message to
himself. “U R COOL”.
Leroy looks at some framed photos Jasper has around his
room: there’s Jasper alone at his birthday party, playing
totem tennis by himself and having a tea party with a dog
dressed as a kid.
LEROY
Great. Now I feel sorry for him.
CUT TO
INT. JASPER’S HOUSE – CLIVE’S MANCAVE. NIGHT (MONTAGE).
We’re in man territory. Well, man-child-territory. The room
is full of gym-equipment and nerdy movie memorabilia.
JASPER
This is my dad’s man-cave where-
(interrupted)
LEROY
Stop! Your life’s depressing me, but
not in the way I like to be depressed.
Can we start the meeting?

17
Jasper, ever-unflappable, just smiles and says:
JASPER
Sure thing: the first annual meeting of
Jasper and the Jaspers begins now!
LEROY
First on the agenda. Changing our name
to The Revenge Club. All in favour say
‘Fuck Jasper’. Fuck Jasper.
WESLEY
Uh, fuck, uh, Jasper. Sorry, Jasper.
LEROY
All against, say ‘I’m a dickhead’.
JASPER
‘I’m a’… fuck you guys.
LEROY
The first annual meeting of The Revenge
Club begins now. First on the agenda:
REVENGE!
Wesley puts his hand up.
WESLEY
I heard living well’s the best revenge.
So why don’t we go to uni, study real
hard, then start a rewarding career.
Leroy shakes his head with disappointment. He then holds up
a Goth magazine called “Dark Visions”.
JASPER
Dark Visions. Is that one of those mags
for dudes into black chicks?
LEROY
It’s the world’s #1 Goth publication.
It has the answer to all our problems.
JASPER
Ha! Knew it: the Goth’s going to try to
convince us to commit suicide together.
He flips to the ads at the end. There’s a tiny one that
Leroy’s circled. Jasper squints his eyes trying to read it.
JASPER (CONT’D)
“Hitman for hire. Life’s cheap, death’s
$10,000 a pop.” None of us have that.

18
 LEROY
Actually, I do.
JASPER
How?
LEROY
I haven’t always been a dark loner.

INT. GRAM-GRAM’S HOUSE - KITCHEN. DAY. (FLASHBACK)

Leroy’s standing in the kitchen smiling.
LEROY (VO)
There was a time when I was the world’s
happiest Goth. Because I had Gram-Gram.
Gram-Gram, 90, an old crank, gives him a bat-shaped cookie.
LEROY
I love you Gram-Gram.
GRAM-GRAM
MY TEETH HURT.

INT. GRAM-GRAM’S HOUSE – TV ROOM. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)

We cut to Leroy and his Gram-Gram watching TV together.
It’s a current affairs TV show with an ultra-conservative
white presenter, James MacAngus.
LEROY (VO)
She was super goth. Pale. Angry. And
she had no friends. Because they were
all dead.
GRAM-GRAM
I don’t trust this man. He has the hair
of an Oriental. MacAngus? Is that
Chinese? Help me write a complaint.
GRAM-GRAM
Dear Station-Manager. MY TEETH HURT.

INT. GRAM-GRAM’S HOUSE - BEDROOM. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)

His Gram-Gram’s lying in bed with her phone. She’s receives
an SMS: “goodnight Gram-Gram, love Leroy.”

19
 LEROY (VO)
Every day, we’d text each other.

INT. LEROY’S HOUSE – BEDROOM. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)

Leroy gets texts back from his Gram-Gram that say “how do I
use this thing?” “What is this thing?” and “MY TEETH HURT”.

INT. GRAM-GRAM’S HOUSE - LOUNGE. DAY. (FLASHBACK)

Leroy has walked into Gram-Gram’s house to find her dead on
her rocking chair in front of the TV.
LEROY (VO)
Until one day…
Leroy gently pats his grandma on the shoulder.
LEROY
No more hurting teeth, Gram-Gram.

INT. FUNERAL PARLOUR. DAY

Leroy is discussing funeral options with an undertaker.
LEROY (VO)
I told the undertaker how much we liked
texting each other.
UNDERTAKER
I can arrange a long-life mobile to be
placed in her coffin, so you can keep
texting her. People find it comforting.
The undertaker smiles comfortingly, then adds another
$2,000 onto the funeral bill.

INT. FUNERAL PARLOUR – VIEWING ROOM. DAY

Leroy bends down to kiss his Gram-Gram in her coffin. He
sees a state of the art phone. It’s hooked up to a few car
batteries.
Leroy looks very impressed by the kit.

20
INT. LEROY’S HOUSE – BEDROOM. NIGHT
We see a sad and teary Leroy in his bed. The mobile screen
lights up Leroy’s face as he types a message – “Wish you
were still here. I miss you.”
LEROY (VO)
That night, I gave it a go. It felt
silly, but the undertaker was right: it
was comforting. Until -
The phone starts ringing. On the screen it says ‘GRAM-GRAM
VIDEO CALL’. Leroy starts freaking out.
LEROY
Fuck. Did we bury her alive!
Leroy presses ACCEPT. On the screen he sees his GRAM-GRAM’s
lifeless face. She’s still in the coffin – her face is
illuminated by the light from the mobile. Leroy screams.
LEROY (VO)
It was my dead gram-gram.
CUT TO the following night. Leroy’s phone starts ringing
again with a video call from his Gram-Gram. He answers it
sees his gram-gram’s corpse and screams.
LEROY (VO)
It happened the next night at the exact
same time… 8:15pm.
CUT TO Leroy getting another video call from his nanna.
LEROY (VO)
…the night after that…
He answers the call. It’s the corpse again and rot’s
setting in. He screams.
We see him get a few more calls. Each time there’s more
decay and more bugs.
LEROY (VO)
…and so on. Turned out the phone was
faulty. That’s why it kept dialing me.
CUT TO Leroy answering a video call again. This time he
looks at his nanna’s corpse like it’s completely normal.
One of her eyes falls out.
LEROY
Hi Gram-Gram. Looking good.

21
 LEROY (VO)
So I sued the funeral home and the
manufacturer…
END FLASHBACK:
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – TOOL SHED. DAY.
Leroy almost looks like he’s going to show an emotion.
LEROY
It taught me a valuable lesson: don’t
let people in. They always end up
leaving you.
JASPER
That’s the Gothiest thing I’ve heard
you say! And I once heard you recite a
poem in English Class called Tree of
Death.
LEROY
That’s a classic.
(clears throat)
My favourite type of tree
Is a Ceme-Tree.
JASPER
Not again!
LEROY
Anyway, if it’s okay with you, I’d like
to use the settlement money in a way
Gram-Gram would’ve approved: killing a
punk-teen.
Wesley and Jasper don’t know what to say. Jasper’s dad,
Clive, 40, runs into his room in his workout gear. He has
the face of a geek, but a bodybuilder’s body.
JASPER
Fuck, dad! We’re having a meeting.
CLIVE
Hall & Oates are getting restless.
Clive flexes his huge arm muscles at Wesley and Leroy.
CLIVE (CONT’D)
I call them that because they pump out
hits that you’ll never forget.
He illustrates this by punching a boxing bag.

22
 CLIVE (CONT’D)
Jasper told me you guys ran into some
bullies. Know what you need to do?
LEROY
Yes. Hire a hitman to kill them.
CLIVE
Ha! No, you need to grow these.
Clive rips off his shirt and flexes his muscles.
CLIVE (CONT’D)
But that’s gonna take time, so I’ll
show you a trick that got me through
high school when I was a weakling too!
Wesley, act like a bully.
WESLEY
I’m, uh, not sure!
CLIVE
Fucking do it!
WESLEY
Okey doke. Hey, uh, Clive, you, uh,
‘roided up dick-sniffer. I’m sorry.
I’m, uh, going to, hit you!
CLIVE
I WILL SUCK YOUR DICK UNTIL YOU CUM. I
WILL STICK MY PINKY IN YOUR PRETTY
ARSEHOLE. I WANT TO TASTE YOUR TONGUE
AND YOUR SPIT. GET INSIDE ME NOW.
Wesley, Jasper and Leroy are all shocked.
CLIVE (CONT’D)
They won’t touch you after that.
Clive puts his earphones on and starts pumping iron.
LEROY
So that settles it: we do it my way.
WESLEY
Can we just get the hitman to, like,
mess them up? For life?
LEROY
That’s not as fun. But if that’s the
only way I can get you two to agree –

23
Wesley and Jasper nod –
LEROY (CONT’D)
- then permanent psychological and
emotional damage it is!

EXT. PALATIAL RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

The boys have CYCLED to a five-star restaurant in the city.
Jasper tries to dry his wet pit stains by blowing on them.
Through the window they see REGGIE THE HITMAN, 45, raggedy
with his old flannelette shirt, straggly blonde hair.
There’s a cold predatory intelligence in his eyes that
gives him an almost regal quality.

INT. PALATIAL RESTAURANT – LOBBY. NIGHT.

The boys walk into the lavishly appointed restaurant.
LEROY
Don’t embarrass me around him. I’ve
wanted to be friends with a hitman
since I was three.
A snooty Maître D stops them.
MAITRE D’
You can’t come in here without jackets.
Wesley points to Reggie – he’s staring into the darkness.
WESLEY
He, uh, isn’t wearing one.
MAITRE D’
There’s an exception if you scare the
ever-loving piss outta me. We’ll have
something for you in lost & found.

INT. PALATIAL RESTAURANT – DINING AREA. NIGHT.

The boys walk up to Reggie’s table. He’s sipping coffee
from a fine china cup. Jasper’s wearing a ridiculously
small jacket, Wesley’s wearing a ladies jacket.
REGGIE
You’re kids.

24
Reggie speaks with a Texan drawl. His voice is husky from
the ravages on 20,000-too-many cigarettes.
WESLEY
Is, uh, that a, uh, problem, sir?
REGGIE
Right now it’s an observation. Sit.
JASPER
Lovely place. Ritzy.
REGGIE
Gotta treat yourself. Never know when
someone’s gonna hire a guy to rip your
trachea out through your neck. How did
three kids get my number?
LEROY
Dark Visions magazine.
REGGIE
Thought that was an adult mag for guys
into black chicks.
JASPER
That’s what I said! High five!
Jasper puts his hand up for a high five. Instinctively,
Reggie slams it into the table. He releases it as a waiter
comes over and serves him a live lobster.
JASPER
Garcon! You forgot to cook it!
REGGIE
Live lobster’s a Japanese delicacy.
Some consider it cruel. I agree.
Reggie lifts the top of the shell off the live lobster
revealing its gelatinous flesh. It continues to walk. He
eats a spoonful of it, chews mindfully, then continues.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
When I was your age, I didn’t have cash
to throw around on hitmen.
WESLEY
Leroy has the cash. It’s actually a,
uh, sad story.

25
 REGGIE
Sad stories don’t end with kids getting
enough money to hire hitmen. Who’s the
target?
JASPER
‘Targets’ plural. Our bullies.
REGGIE
I hate bullies. Someone tried to bully
me once. I took these from them.
Reggie shows them his necklace of teeth.
WESLEY
Are those, uh, baby teeth?
REGGIE
I was in kindergarten.
Reggie scoops some of the meat out of the lobster as it
crawls around the plate.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
You kids sure you have the stomach for
this? Killing folk isn’t to all tastes.
JASPER
No, uh, we only want you to hurt them
and, uh, deliver a message.
REGGIE
Like a fucking postman? I’m a hitman.
LEROY
(whispering to Jasper)
Shhh! You’re fucking embarrassing me
Leroy grabs a fork and scoops a big chunk of meat out of
the lobster and puts it into his mouth.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Think of it as playing with your food.
He immediately scrunches up his face at the taste of it and
then spits it onto the table.
REGGIE
Follow me.
Everyone leaves, except Wesley. He stays behind to pat the
dead lobster. A tear runs down his face. How sweet!

26
INT. REGGIE'S VAN. NIGHT.
The boys climb into Reggie’s Van. There’s weapons, swords,
a variety of disguises, including a janitor’s outfit.
Jasper hands him a book he’s compiled on Sam, Trevor and
Leroy. Reggie opens it: it’s looks like something a tween
girl would make on her favourite boy band. It’s got their
likes, dislikes, drawings of him hanging out with them.
While Reggie flips through the file, Jasper plays with some
prosthetics. He’s put on a different nose over his own and
a big sticky-out chin.
LEROY
(whispered through gritted teeth)
Stop fucking around!
Jasper then covers his entire face with noses and chins.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Alright, that’s pretty funny.
REGGIE
Okay. I’ll take on your contract. But I
want you kids to come with me when I
“deliver a message” to this guy.
Reggie pulls out a photograph of Trevor from the pile. The
boys clap with excitement.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
You need to learn how to look after
yourselves. I don’t want you calling me
in a month with new bullies.
JASPER
I feel so fucking alive. Put it there.
Jasper extends his hand to Reggie. Reggie grabs it and
bends it backwards. Jasper screams.
REGGIE
Hurts doesn’t it? I need you kids to
realize this is real. Whatever I do to
these kids is gonna hurt too. Okay?
The boys nod. He lets go of Jasper’s hand.

INT. LEROY’S ROOM. NIGHT.

A rattled-looking Leroy is in his bedroom sitting at his
27
workbench.
On the wall, there are blueprints for some new inventions.
He tinkers away at his jacket and underwear with a
soldering iron while having a frantic videocall on his
phone.
LEROY
Is what we’re doing right? Give me a
sign if it isn’t!
We reveal he’s talking to his nanna’s corpse on his mobile.
Her eyeball falls out. A rat crawls out of the socket.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Technically, that was the rat. Not you.
So I guess we have your blessing.
At that moment, HOWARD, 40, Leroy’s henpecked and soft-
spoken dad, comes in and and sits by Leroy.
HOWARD
What are you working on?
LEROY
Revenge.
HOWARD
I know things have been difficult.
Thought you might want to talk.
LEROY
I’m good.
HOWARD
Y’know, I have a bully too: my boss,
Rich. You should hear what he calls me:
dick-balls, pie-eating-shit-catapult,
captain-wank-hand, horse-vagina…
LEROY
I get it: he’s bad at insults.
HOWARD
What gets me through is knowing I get
to come home to you and your mum.
Having people you care about doesn’t
make you weak: it makes you stronger.
Leroy looks at him incredulously.

28
 HOWARD (CONT’D)
Okay! I’ve also created a Sims avatar
that looks just like him that I keep
locked up in a basement to torture.
Howard pulls out a laptop with The Sims on it. There’s a
screaming businessman locked in a basement. It looks like a
diorama created by a psychotic schoolchild.
HOWARD (CONT’D)
It’s time to feed him. But I might pour
acid on his toes instead.
Howard hits a button that unleashes a beaker’s worth of
acid onto the avatar. It screams as its skin bubbles.
HOWARD
Would you like a go, son?
Leroy looks disturbed by this insight into his dad’s life.
He has a terrified expression as his dad tucks him into his
bed and kisses him on the forehead.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – ASSEMBLY HALL. DAY.

The school’s assembled in a hall. Leroy, Jasper and Wesley
are in the audience getting pelted with spitballs.
Principal Haddock gets up onto the stage and orates.
HADDOCK
Can bullying be stopped? It’s not like
there’s some Society of Bullies you can
just shut down.
He lets out a mocking laugh.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
But by criminy, we’re gonna give it a
good ol’ pre-college try by sending
bullies this message:
A giant banner unfurls behind Principal Haddock – it’s
emblazoned with the words “FUCK OFF BULLIES”.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Edgy, huh? As you know, a heinous act
was carried out on some students. But
they won’t give me the names!
Suddenly the “F” on the banner falls off and reveals an
“S”. The kids laugh: it says “Suck off bullies”.

29
 HADDOCK (CONT’D)
This is what I get for trying to save
the world by recycling? Shhh.
The kids hush.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Till Jasper, Leroy and Wesley give me
them and let me take care of the
S.O.B.s, I’m Breakfast Clubbing you.
There’s a silence.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
You don’t get that reference? It means
I’m giving you detention every
Saturday.
The crowd starts throwing more stuff at Jasper, Wesley and
Leroy.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Take it away annoying theatre kids.
Some music starts and the theatre kids come out dancing in
costumes – robots, lions, scarecrows and more. Principal
Haddock starts singing with them:
HADDOCK & THEATRE KIDS
(singing)
Don’t want your weekend to suck balls,
Get Leroy, Jasper and Wesley to make
some calls. And snitch!

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY.

The boys are walking out of the hall. Leroy looks at his
mobile – he has a text from Reggie that says “STILL IN?”
Sam passes by and smacks Leroy across the head.
SAM
You talk, you die.
Then two other kids pass by and push them.
KID #1
You better give him the names.
Principal Haddock smirks as he walks up to the boys.
LEROY
Clever: turning us into the most
30
 unpopular kids at school to force us
into snitching.
HADDOCK
I’m trying to help you. Sometimes you
need to do something wrong to make
things right.
LEROY
I agree. That’s why you’re not getting
the names.
Leroy replies to Reggie with a “Yes.” He immediately gets a
reply that says “DRESS APPROPRIATELY”.

EXT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACKYARD. NIGHT

The boys are hiding behind a bush in the backyard of
Trevor’s family’s lavish two-storey home.
Jasper and Wesley are in Cosplay armour. As Reggie uses his
binoculars to spy on Trevor, he mutters
REGGIE
That’s not what I meant by ‘dress
appropriately’.
JASPER
It’s a security-thing. For confidence.
Don’t you have something like that?
REGGIE
Yep…
Reggie gets out a hip flask and glugs from it. Jasper looks
through the binoculars. We cut to his POV:
CUT TO
INT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACK ROOM. NIGHT.
Trevor’s watching TV. It’s the end of a Muscly Joe ad.
MUSCLY JOE
Buy a car from me or I’ll punch you.
An awful X-Factor-type reality show returns. Graham
Chester, 35, a Simon-Cowell-styled reality judge is
berating a little girl.

31
 GRAHAM
That was some of the worst singing I’ve
ever heard. How old are you? Seven?
It’s time to face facts: it’s not gonna
happen.
The girl starts crying hysterically. Trevor starts
laughing.

INT. CRAIG’S HOUSE – BACK ROOM. NIGHT.

Jasper lowers the binoculars and turns to Reggie.
JASPER
Awww. He’s watching Singing Idol.
That’s my favourite show too. Remember:
no killing! Just deliver a message.
LEROY
And long-lasting psychological damage.
REGGIE
I know, I’ll tell him about the heat
death of the universe. How one day the
sun will explode and destroy the world.
Then one by one, all others stars will
burn out until all that’s left is
darkness and cold. No atoms. No matter.
No trace of you. Or anyone you’ve
loved. It’ll be like none of us ever
existed. God forgot about us. The
universe will too. Existence is
meaningless nothing bookended by two
oblivions.
LEROY
Actually, I was hoping you could just
go “rahh, I’m going to kill you. And
play with your blood.”
Reggie gives a judging look at Leroy, then disappears into
the shadows.
JASPER
Sounded like one of your poems, dude.
LEROY
That was a nursery rhyme compared to my
stuff. Read this.

32
Leroy hands him a pitch-black piece of paper. Jasper
inspects it, but can’t see any writing.
LEROY (CONT’D)
I write my shit with black pen on black
paper. That’s how dark it is.
Leroy looks through the binoculars.
JASPER
Dude, I hope Trevor pisses his pants
when he sees him.

INT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACK ROOM. NIGHT.

Trevor’s turns off the TV. Gets out his laptop and opens a
porn website called “Naked Girls Sitting on Cake.” He pulls
his pants down by his ankles.

EXT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACKYARD. NIGHT.

Leroy lowers the binoculars from his eyes.
LEROY
Don’t think piss is going to be the
bodily fluid coming out of him.
Jasper grabs the binoculars off Leroy.
JASPER
Cool. He uses the same technique as me:
Eagle Grip. We’re practically twins.
Leroy grabs the binoculars off Jasper and looks through it.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Sharing’s caring, Leroy!
The two of them push their faces up close and look through
one half of the binoculars each. It’s almost heartwarming.
Wesley smiles at the sight. Jasper catches him doing it -
JASPER (CONT’D)
Weirdo.

INT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACK ROOM. NIGHT.

Reggie has sneaked into the house and is hiding behind a

33
couch.
Trevor’s back is to him, so Reggie has no idea that
Trevor’s engaging in every teenager’s favourite pastime
while watching a video of nude women sitting on cakes.
Reggie looks out the window and gives the boys the thumbs
up, followed by a goofy “boo” face.
Trevor has now got out a Fleshlight Male Masturbation Aid.

EXT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACKYARD. NIGHT.

Leroy, Jasper and Wesley are all laughing.
WESLEY
We need to get this on video.
JASPER
I’ve got that covered.
Jasper pulls out his remote control helicopter.
LEROY
Yeah, he’ll never notice a remote
control helicopter buzzing by his
window.
JASPER
I’ve got that covered too, dude.
He covers the remote control helicopter with a disguise
that makes it look like a mangy owl.

INT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACK ROOM. NIGHT.

Reggie jumps out of the shadows and walks towards Trevor.
Trevor sees him and tries to run away, but his trousers and
underwear is by his ankles. He can only waddle and the
Fleshlight’s still attached to his boner.
TREVOR
Get away from me, pervert!
Reggie sees the pornographic images on the computer screen
and realizes what he was doing.
REGGIE
No! I need you to acknowledge I wasn’t
watching you do that.

34
 TREVOR
Fuck off, perv.
REGGIE
You’re the one having sex with a torch.
I’m here to deliver a message!
TREVOR
What? You’re a postman?
Suddenly, the mangy owl-copter slams against the window
giving both Reggie and Trevor a scare.
The shock makes Trevor jump back and fall down the
staircase, knocking him out cold.
As Reggie starts to walk out, he notices the rude video
playing on the computer. He sits and unbuckles his pants.

EXT. TREVOR’S HOUSE – BACKYARD. NIGHT.

Reggie comes out of the house, smiling, and doing up his
fly and belt. He holds his hand up for a high five from the
boys.
Wesley and Leroy shake their heads. Jasper smiles and goes
for it.
JASPER
Yeah, post-wank five!
Reggie shifts his hand out of the way.
REGGIE
Too slow. You know what I feel like?
Cake!

INT. DINER. NIGHT.

Reggie and the boys are in a diner. The boys look
completely overwhelmed.
REGGIE
I’m proud of you. You’ve been reborn as
brave warriors. Happy birthday, men.
Reggie gestures for some waiters to come round with a cake.
They start singing happy birthday.

35
 WAITERS
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday-
Leroy starts crying.
WAITER
Are you okay?
LEROY
I’m just so happy.

EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH – ENTRANCE. DAY. (MORNING)

It’s a brand new day at Stillview High. Jasper and Wesley
are seated on a bench at the entrance to the school,
waiting for Leroy. They look nervous as all hell.
Leroy walks up to them. He has a spring in his step.
JASPER
Dude. Hi. You have. Sleep? Pleasant?
WESLEY
We’re, uh, freaking out!
LEROY
Everything will be fine… friends!
The moment Leroy says ‘friends’, Wesley and Jasper start
beaming huge smiles.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY.

The three of them walk down the corridor. Everyone’s
looking at a video that’s been put on YouTube of Trevor
running around with a Fleshlight attached to his boner.
The boys pass Sam and Craig who are having a heated
conversation.
CRAIG
I told you we went too far.
SAM
We needed to get the S.O.B.s attention.
They stop their conversation and stare the boys down.
Wesley, Leroy and Jasper open their lockers and a wave of
lube and dildos falls out of it. They scream in shock.

36
 WESLEY
I uh, can’t handle this uh, unstoned.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH - TOILETS. DAY.

Wesley is in the bathroom smoking a joint. Once again he’s
covered the glory hole with a piece of paper that says
“SORRY. NOT INTERESTED.”
He’s made Mulder and Scully finger puppets and he’s putting
on a play for himself.
WESLEY
“Uh, Mulder, I want to believe but-”
He hears someone trying to get his attention through the
glory hole in the wall.
VOICE
Pssst.
WESLEY
I’m uh, not interested.
He looks and sees that Principal Haddock has ripped down
the piece of paper and is peering through the hole.
He points at the joint.
HADDOCK
I can totally suspend you for that.
WESLEY
It’s uh, medicinal…
HADDOCK
For what? Getting not-stoned. Pass it
here and I won’t tell the Principal.
Principal Haddock grabs the joint and takes a puff.
HADDOCK
You’re the reason I got into teaching.
WESLEY
Thanks?
HADDOCK
I was talking to the joint. Failed the
drug test at my last job. Ended up
here.

37
Principal Haddock passes the joint back to Wesley through
the glory hole.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
They didn’t have holes to pass joints
through when I was at school. Handy.
WESLEY
That’s, uh, exactly what it’s for.
HADDOCK
I don’t know why you’re protecting your
bullies. I’ll let you in on a secret:
you don’t just have school bullies at
school.
Principal Haddock takes another toke of the joint.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
The S.O.B.s will harass you your whole
life. They become your boss,
politicians, cops, bouncers. My own
wife called me a gay wad today.
WESLEY
That’s, uh, bleak…
Principal Haddock passes the joint back to Wesley.
HADDOCK
Can’t blame you for wanting to hide
away, get high and watch movies every
day, instead of dealing with the real
world. So I got you this…
Haddock beckons him to look through the hole. Wesley does:
Haddock’s holding a brand new laptop.
HADDOCK
It’s loaded with a terabyte of that
sci-fi and fantasy shit you like. X-
Files. Game of Thrones! ALF!
Wesley’s gazing at the laptop like he’s in love.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
It’s yours. Just give me the names of
your bullies.
We watch as Wesley seriously considers it. He’s extremely
conflicted and finding it difficult then – a loud fart
followed by a plop breaks Wesley from his contemplation.

38
 WESLEY
Are you, uh?
HADDOCK
This is a toilet, Wesley.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – ENGLISH CLASS. DAY.

Wesley walks into class. He sits next to Leroy. He reaches
into his bag. Is he going to pull out the laptop? Nope.
It’s a textbook.
Then Jasper enters - Leroy gives a little wave. Wesley
gestures to the empty desk next to him.
Jasper notices that Trevor’s desk, next to Sam and Craig,
is empty too.
Both Wesley and Leroy look disappointed as they watch
Jasper walk up to the bullies.
JASPER
Where’s T-Dogg, sports-stars!
SAM
Trevor? A postman broke into his house
and tried to touch his ding-dong. But I
think you knew that.
Jasper nervously laughs and then points to the desk.
JASPER
No! But I’ll tell you what I do know:
you have a big hole to fill. And I
think I’m the stud to fill your hole.
Jasper puts his hand up for a high five. Sam punches him in
the face. Jasper retreats back to Leroy and Wesley.
LEROY
Guess you’re stuck with us. You okay?
That punch looked like it hurt.
JASPER
It wasn’t a punch. He’s just bad at
high fiving, dickhole.
Jasper immediately regrets lashing out. Wesley attempts to
change the subject.
WESLEY
Uhhh, I uh, I’ve organized a surprise.
39
INT. TATTOO PARLOUR – WAITING ROOM. DAY.
The boys are in a tattoo parlour. Wesley is excitedly
orating a speech he’s practiced.
WESLEY
Through the scolding flames of toil and
hardship, we have forged a friendship
mighty!
LEROY
It’s more of ‘a convenient alliance’?
WESLEY
We have, uh, forged an alliance
convenient and I want you to know I’ll
be there for you, when the rain starts
to pour, I’ll be there for you, because
you’re there for me too.
The tattooist shoots Leroy a befuddled look.
LEROY
He can only express emotions through
movie and TV references. It’s like the
flashcards they give autistic kids with
smiley and frowny faces.
TATTOIST
Can you just tell me what you’re after?
Wesley holds up a picture of a Phoenix he’s drawn and shows
him the tattoo on his arse.
WESLEY
I, uh, want you to change the dicks
tattooed on our arses into phoenixes.
TATTOOIST
Hmm? I could turn the balls into wings,
the jizz into flames and put a beak on
the head.
The boys start chanting…
ALL
Rising Phoenixes. Rising Phoenixes.

INT. TATTOO PARLOUR – TATTOOING ROOM. DAY.

The boys are all getting their arses TATTOOED. Jasper’s
screaming. Leroy grits his teeth. A tear’s running down
40
Wesley’s face.
The tattooist gets a mirror out to show them the finished
product: the tattoos don’t look like phoenixes at all.
LEROY
It just looks like a dick with wings
and a beak breathing fire. A dick bird.
WESLEY
I’m, uh, sorry. I was, uh, hoping it’d
be better.
JASPER
Nah, don’t be sorry. It looks super-
cool, dude.
LEROY
And at least we’re not Dick Butts
anymore. We’re Dick Birds.
The boys form a circle and start chanting.
ALL
Dick Birds. Dick Birds. Dick Birds.
Leroy’s phone rings.
LEROY
Hey Reggie… uhhh, we’ll try… will they
let us in… alright…
Leroy hangs up his phone.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Reggie wants to meet up.
JASPER
Where?
LEROY
A strip club.
JASPER
Woooooooo –
HARD CUT

INT. STUD RANCH STRIP CLUB. NIGHT (EVENING)

The boys are in a strip club called The Stud Ranch. An
oiled up MALE STRIPPER’s waving his arse in Jasper’s face.

41
 JASPER (CONT’D)
- eeeeewww!
Reggie beckons them from the other side of the club. They
weave through a cheering crowd of drunk and horny
HOUSEWIVES. One of them grabs Wesley.
WOMAN
Dance for me, stud.
WESLEY
Uh, sorry? I’m not uhhhhh.
WOMAN
(singing in time to the music)
Shake your butt and shake your nuts.
Wesley tries to pull away from the woman, but she keeps on
grinding against him. Leroy, seeing him in distress, runs
up and pulls him away.
LEROY
Learn to speak up. Or people are going
to tell you to shake your butt and nuts
for the rest of your life.
They sit down at a table with Reggie.
JASPER
Don’t take this the wrong way, dude.
But I didn’t get a gay vibe from you.
REGGIE
I’m not. You want to kill effectively,
you need to study the human body. The
weak spots. How it moves. Where better?
We see a male stripper lift his arm, revealing an armpit.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
That’s where his brachial artery is.
Stab that. He’ll bleed out in seconds.
He then turns around and we see his lower back.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
Stab him there in the kidneys. He’ll be
in too much pain to scream. Probably
pass out. Good quick, quiet kill.
The stripper then starts making his massive set of balls
bob up and down in front of their faces.

42
 REGGIE (CONT’D)
Those are his balls. It really hurts
when you get kicked there.
LEROY
So you just sit around here imagining
ways to kill people?
Reggie scoops up some salsa and cheese with a corn chip.
REGGIE
Nachos are good too. I want to
apologise to you boys. Justice should
be poetic. Last night’s hit had no art.
I want to make it up to you tonight. It
will be much better: but I need help.

INT. SHOPPING CENTRE. DAY.

Reggie and the boys are in the lingerie section of a
shopping centre. A pushy salesperson comes in.
SALESPERSON
Can I help you, gentlemen? Looking for
a little something for mum?
Reggie points to Jasper.
REGGIE
No. I want something for this little
piggy’s bitch-tits.
SALESPERSON
A sports bra, maybe? It gives support
and no one will know he’s wearing it.
REGGIE
Pass. I want the nastiest, sluttiest
shit you’ve got.
The salesperson looks conflicted.

INT. SHOPPING CENTRE CHANGE ROOM. DAY

Reggie and the boys walk into the change rooms. An
attendant looks at them suspiciously. They walk into a
cubicle. Reggie throws Jasper the bra.
JASPER
You seriously want me to put this on?
43
 REGGIE
We’re hunting teenage boys. What better
bait than a pair of milky white tits?
Jasper reluctantly takes his top off and puts on the BRA.
Reggie gets out a MOBILE PHONE. He puts it in camera mode.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
Squeeze them together. Like a pretty
girl from the movies.
Jasper squeezes his MAN-BOOBS together. Reggie gets up
close and takes a PHOTO. He looks at the shot – it looks
like it could be a woman’s chest.
Reggie starts writing a message to go with the photo: “I
want to feel you hands on these, stud.”
REGGIE
I’ll send it to Sam and Craig.
He sends it and instantly gets two replies: “SHOW ME MORE!”
REGGIE
Jasper, I’m going to need you to do the
tuck behind.
JASPER
Why do I have to do this too?
REGGIE
You’ve got magnificent feminine hips.
JASPER
True. It’s one of my best features.
Reggie manages to pull his pants and undies down while
tucking his penis between his legs in one single graceful
move. Everyone gasps. Jasper has a massive bush.
WESLEY
It looks like Chewbacca eating a
barbecue sausage.
LEROY
It looks like someone tried to scribble
out a picture of a dick with black pen.
REGGIE
Last time I saw a bush like that. 1979.
Greek Islands. Leroy, clean him up.
There’s a razor in my bag. Use that.

44
 LEROY
I’m not going near that thing.
Jasper mockingly waves his crotch at Leroy.
JASPER
Come on. Make me pretty, Leroy.
Leroy screws up his face and shakes his head.
REGGIE
Dammit! Stop being a puss and make him
look like he’s got a neat little puss.
Leroy gets out a cut-throat RAZOR from Reggie’s bag, he
then proceeds to style Jasper’s bush.
JASPER
Is my bush being trimmed by something
that’s been used to kill someone?
REGGIE
Will me saying ‘no’ make it better?
Jasper keeps his penis tucked between his legs as Leroy
trims his bush into a neat landing strip. Reggie takes a
photo of it and sends it.
He immediately gets a message: “how do I know this is 4
real?”
REGGIE
Jasper, hold this next to your pussy.
Reggie pulls out the day’s newspaper and throws it to
Jasper. Jasper holds the front page next to his crotch:
there’s a picture of Graham Chester, with the headline
“REALITY JUDGE IN DOMESTIC ABUSE SCANDAL”.
LEROY
Sexting a pic of a vagina looking like
a kidnap victim. Hot.
Reggie takes a snap of Jasper’s crotch, then types “Hey
Craig, Meet me at the canteen at 10:30pm ;).” He sends it
to Craig. He takes another, types “Hey Sam, Meet me at the
canteen at 10:55pm ;)” and sends it to Sam.
REGGIE
See you kids tomorrow.
WESLEY
What are you planning on doing?

45
 REGGIE
That’d ruin the surprise.
CUT TO
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. NIGHT.
Sam sneaks into Stillview High’s corridor through a window.
Sultry music is playing through the school’s PA, but that
doesn’t stop the school from being creepy.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CANTEEN. NIGHT.

Sam enters the canteen. He can see the SILHOUETTE of a
woman in the kitchen. She beckons him over with a finger.
He looks down on the ground and sees a dress that has been
taken off. He takes off his shirt and pants.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CANTEEN KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Sam struts into the canteen kitchen. He squints trying to
see who the girl is. She’s in the shadows.
SAM
You ready to have some fun?
She doesn’t reply. Then all of a sudden – she comes RUNNING
out of the shadows: it’s Reggie in a wig and women’s
underwear.
REGGIE
This is strictly work. I’m here to send
a message!
Reggie tries to hit Sam, but he ducks and clocks him.
SAM
Send a message? You’re the pervert
postman who tried to rape Trevor,
aren’t you?
REGGIE
No, I didn’t. I’m not a sex pervert.
Sam gestures to the women’s underwear that Reggie’s got on.
Reggie nods to himself with a look that says ‘oh, that’s
right – I’m wearing lingerie and a woman’s wig’.
Reggie zaps him with a taser and he falls unconscious.

46
EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH – ENTRANCE. DAY (MORNING)
Leroy, Jasper and Wesley arrive at school together.
JASPER
Look. There’s a police-car and an
ambulance.
Jasper points to the front of the school.
WESLEY
And a dog. Wooooo.
Wesley runs up to a stray dog sniffing about the front of
the school.
LEROY
Maybe it’d be an idea to not act too
stoned around the police.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CANTEEN. DAY (MORNING)

The boys push their way into the canteen, past the kids.
They see Sam and Craig in the school canteen’s walk-in
freezer: naked, hugging and frozen together.
They’re still alive, but they’re trembling and covered in
frost.
Paramedics are trying to chip them apart to treat them and
police have cordoned off the area as a crime scene.
Kids take photographs on their phones and laugh.
SAM
If you put that on the internet, I’ll
kill you.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY (MORNING)

The boys walk down the corridor, everyone whispers and
points. They’re no longer the invisible unpopular kids.
Jasper’s waving to everyone.
WESLEY
Uhhh. Everyone’s looking at us!
JASPER
Isn’t it great!
BAM! Jasper bumps into a pointy-chinned, big-nosed CLEANER
47
with a bucket and mop.
JASPER
Watch out! Way to ruin the best moment
of my life, cleaner.
CLEANER
(unidentifiable accent)
Sorry. I be more careful. I need to
make the clean-clean.
They walk past him.
WESLEY
Everyone knows it was us! We’re in
trouble.
LEROY
Relax. We didn’t do anything.
His phone starts ringing.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Speak of the devil.
Leroy answers it.
REGGIE (PHONE)
You see them yet?
LEROY
It was an exquisite tableau.
REGGIE (PHONE)
That’s not the best bit. Check your
email. I like to think I taught these
boys a lesson about the comfort and
warmth another man’s embrace can bring.
Leroy hangs up and opens the video in his email.
FLASH TO
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – FREEZER. NIGHT.
The video shows surveillance-type footage taken from a
bunch of small digital video cameras that have been placed
around the freezer.
Sam and Craig are both naked and lying on the ground.
CRAIG
We need to hold each other or freeze.

48
Craig tries to hug Sam for warmth.
SAM
Stop touching me, homo. Fuck off.
Five minutes later, Craig and Sam start trembling. Craig
tries to hug Sam again
SAM
Stop touching me, homo.
It’s fifteen minutes later. They’re covered in frost. Sam
awkwardly puts his arms around Craig for warmth.
SAM (CONT’D)
Stop being a homo and hug me harder.
Yeah, that’s right, hug me hard.
We cut to them rubbing against each other.
SAM
Rub against me. Rub against me.
CRAIG
Yeah, that’s the good stuff.
SAM
Stop being a homo!
An hour later, they’re blue and huddled together.
FLASH TO
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY (MORNING)
Moved by Reggie’s deed, Leroy has tears streaming out of
his eyes. But he’s still expressionless.
JASPER
Are those tears?
LEROY
I’ve never seen something so beautiful.
The boys turn a corner. The corridor’s quiet – everyone
else is still in the canteen. Leroy puts his phone away and
places his arms around Jasper and Wesley’s shoulders.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Friends, our enemies are vanquish-
Bam. A figure in a black balaclava clocks Leroy in the jaw.
Two more smack Wesley and Jasper in the face. They all fall
to the ground and get dragged into the toilets.

49
INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – LOCKER ROOM. DAY.
The boys have been dragged into the empty school locker
room by their three assailants. They’ve been made to kneel
against a wall and put their hands behind their heads.
The first assailant takes his balaclava off.
WESLEY
What? Muscly Joe, the used car
salesman?
Muscly Joe nods his head proudly. Then the second takes his
balaclava off.
JASPER
Nasty reality show judge, Graham
Chester? Woooooo!
Then the third assailant takes his balaclava off.
LEROY
Rich!
JASPER
You know him?
LEROY
He’s my dad’s arsehole boss.
Wow, Rich really does look like that Sims character that
Howard made with his gold-tooth and expensive suit.
The three assailants hold the boys down as Principal
Haddock steps out of a cubicle.
HADDOCK
Boys! Why didn’t you just give me the
names instead of messing around with
the natural order of things!
Principal Haddock gives Muscly Joe, Graham Chester and Rich
a nod. They wedgie the boys.
HADDOCK
Do you have any idea what you’ve got
mixed up in? I’ll tell you. It’s a war
that’s been raging since David and
Goliath.
Haddock gives Muscly Joe, Graham Chester and Rich another
nod. They start giving the boys noogies.

50
 HADDOCK
I could’ve used three arseholes like
Sam, Trevor and Craig to fight on my
side. Seeing as you broke them, I’m
going to need you to make it up for me.
Principal Haddock gives them another nod. They start giving
the boys Chinese Burns.
HADDOCK
Tell me who helped you beat them! I
know you didn’t do this alone.
At that moment the CLEANER walks in with his mop and
bucket. Muscly Joe and Graham start menacing him.
MUSCLY JOE
Get out of here now or I’ll punch you!
CLEANER
(unidentifiable accent)
I. Clean. Toilet. Make. Happy.
GRAHAM
You clean toilet make happy later.
Haddock punches a wall angrily.
HADDOCK
Tell me who helped you!
The CLEANER pulls his chin and nose off his face.
JASPER
Don’t do that, dude. You need them!
They’re prosthetics. REVEAL: It’s Reggie.
REGGIE
I helped them.
He tips over the bucket. Water pools around the feet of
Muscly Joe and Graham. He then zaps a taser into it. They
fall to the ground and it fries them until they’re dead.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
What have you boys got us into?
Rich gets in a few sucker punches. THWAK. THWAK. Reggie
smacks him several times with the mop. And then SNAP – it
breaks in half. Reggie stabs the mop handle into him. Rich
falls down dead.
Then, for the first time, Reggie and Principal Haddock get
51
a good look at each other.
HADDOCK
Reggie! What a surprise!
REGGIE
Haddock!
They start laying into each other. Every move that Reggie
makes, Haddock pre-empts. He’s too fast.
HADDOCK
We don’t have to fight. I’ve got a
place for you amongst my S.O.B.s now
that you’ve killed three of them.
Principal Haddock gestures to the dead bodies. Reggie
throws a punch. Haddock dodges it.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
I’ll take that as a ‘no’. Anyway,
you’ve got too slow. Maybe I’ll retire
you instead.
Principal Haddock then dunks Reggie’s head into the water
in the toilet bowl. The boys scream out.
CUT TO Wesley gives a look of Zen-like concentration and
exertion. Suddenly, a loud whistle emanates from his butt.
It’s the rape whistle. The whole room stops.
JASPER
Dude, haven’t you taken that rape
whistle out of your butt yet?
HADDOCK
If you’re still alive after this, I’m
taking you to the school nurse.
There’s an awkward silence, then a distant panting.
LEROY
Anyone else hear that?
Suddenly the mangy dog that Wesley has been playing with
comes running in. It attacks Principal Haddock.
WESLEY
See! It is how rape whistles work!
Reggie takes the opportunity to zap Principal Haddock with
his tazer until there’s smoke coming from his ears. He
collapses to the ground.

52
The boys fall to the ground in shock. There’s four bodies
around them.
LEROY
What do we do Reggie?
Reggie is having a fully-fledged panic attack.
LEROY (CONT’D)
We’ve got four dead bodies, including
two dead famous people, a broken hitman
and a dozen police outside. Thought
having friends was supposed to make
things easier.
Wesley, still stoned, goes up to Reggie and looks at him
gasping. He slaps him in the face. Reggie breaks out of the
panic attack and stares Wesley down like he’s about to kill
him.
WESLEY
You were hysterical.
Reggie takes control of his emotions.
REGGIE
Thanks.
Wesley slaps him again.
WESLEY
Your impression of a cleaner was
racist.
Jasper looks in the mirror and -
JASPER
I’ve got it! I know what we need to do.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY (MORNING)

We cut to the corridor and hear the sound of the remote
control helicopter. People are looking towards it and just
shaking their heads disapprovingly.
KID
Not cool. This is a serious situation
and that’s just disrespectful.
A cop tries to ignore it.
REVEAL. Jasper has attached a huge lubey dildo from one of

53
their lockers to his remote control helicopter.
It looks like there’s a FLYING COCK in the school corridor.
The flying cock starts buzzing around a cop’s head. He
tries to swat it down. But it’s up too high.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – LOCKER ROOMS. DAY (MORNING)

We cut back. Everyone’s looking at Jasper unimpressed.
LEROY
This is your genius plan? A flying
dildo?
JASPER
It’s a heli-COCK-ter. And I’m using it
to create a distraction, dickhead.
REGGIE
That’s the stupidest fucking idea ever.
Jasper smiles as he gets another epiphany.
JASPER
I had another genius idea! Just a sec.
CUT TO
All the boys are wearing big costumes with oversized heads.
There’s King Kong, a lion, a robot and a scarecrow.
We hear Jasper call out from his King Kong outfit.
JASPER
I stole the costumes from the theatre
department. How do they feel, dudes?
We start cutting to inside the headpieces and see that each
boy has a corpse inside the costume with them too.
Inside the Scarecrow, it’s Wesley and the dead body of
Graham Chester.
WESLEY
Terrifying. There’s a dead body in
mine.
JASPER
That’s the idea, dude. How about you,
Leroy?
Inside the Robot, there’s Leroy and Rich’s corpse.
54
 LEROY
It’s great. There’s a dead body in
mine.
We cut to inside the Lion costume. It’s Reggie and Muscly
Joe.
REGGIE
Alright, kids… I’ll take the lead. You
follow me to my van.
Jasper takes the King Kong headpiece off, revealing his
head and Principal Haddock’s dead head.
JASPER
And guys, remember we’re pretending to
be school mascots.
He starts doing a mascot dance. It causes Haddock’s
lifeless head to flop back and forth.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Mascots have spirit, yes they do.
Mascots have spirit, how ‘bout you?
Leroy, I’m looking at you.
LEROY
Okay! I’ll be friendly.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY.

The five boys are strutting down the corridor in their
mascot outfits. Waving at passerbys.
There’s a huge group of police officers. One of them looks
them up and down, suspiciously at first. Then a big smile
appears on his face and he gives them a THUMBS UP.
COP 1
Good on you! School pride’s important
in times like these, kids! GO APES!
They start doing a dance for the cops in their mascot
costumes. The cop then goes up to Leroy and puts his arms
out for a hug.
COP 1 (CONT’D)
Give me a robot hug!
Will Leroy do it?

55
 LEROY
Does. Not. Compute. Pig.
Of course not. Luckily the cops are too distracted by a
smell to register the ‘Pig’ jibe.
COP 2 sniffs the air and retches.
COP 2
Fuck. You ever wash those costume? You
smell like if balls had balls.
Wesley sidles up to Reggie and whispers -
WESLEY
It stinks in here.
REGGIE
When a corpse’s muscles relax, feces,
urine and blood leak out of them.
Hearing this, Wesley starts to retch and vomit inside the
mascot costume.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
Plus, it sounds like there’s a bunch of
vomit in there too.
Students start rushing away from the mascot as they hear
Wesley RETCHING from inside.
The mascots leave the school.

EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH. CARPARK. DAY

When they get out of the school, they run past the parked
cop cars and pack themselves into Reggie’s van.

INT. REGGIE’S CAR. DAY.

Reggie tears off in the van. They’re all still dressed in
their mascot costumes.
REGGIE
Everyone alright?
JASPER
You going to tell us how you know
Principal Haddock?

56
 REGGIE
Alright. He was my bully.
BEGIN FLASHBACK
INT. OFFICE – CUBICLES. DAY. (FLASHBACK)
We cut to an open-plan office. People are dressed in
business suits. But rather than answering phones or tapping
away at computers, they’re polishing their guns, sharpening
knives and wrapping baseball bats in barbed wire.
REGGIE (VO)
Twenty years ago, we used to work at
Australia’s top hitman firm together.
A 25-year-old Reggie walks through the office. He’s young,
bright-eyed with neat-hair and an impressive suit: a stark
contrast to the Reggie of today.
REGGIE (VO)
Think you got it bad? Imagine being
picked on by a hitman.
Reggie opens up his locker. This trips a mechanism that
blows a dart right into his forehead.
A young Haddock comes out and laughs at him.
REGGIE
Very funny. That could’ve got me
innntheeyeswhatshappnrgnhhh.
Reggie falls to the ground and we cut to black.
We hear gasping. A cigarette lighter ignites. Reggie’s in a
box. Is it a coffin? He punches the sides frantically. No
give.
He then pushes the top of it and it starts giving way.
HARD CUT
INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN. DAY. (FLASHBACK)
Everyone in the office is gathered around a huge cake
singing happy birthday to a woman. All of a sudden Reggie
pops out of the top of the huge cake wearing nothing but
his underwear.
HADDOCK
Happy birthday, Becky!

57
INT. OFFICE – COPIER ROOM. DAY. (FLASHBACK)
Reggie is happily whistling to himself as he makes
photocopies from a book called “Killing 101”. Behind him,
Haddock silently lowers down from the ceiling.
REGGIE (VO)
The pranks got nastier and nastier.
Haddock grabs the back of Reggie’s head and jams it into
the photocopier.
We cut to the copier tray where the pages come out. Some
black and white copies come out showing Reggie gasping and
screaming.
Haddock then gets out a huge spider and puts it in the
copier with him.
We cut to the copier tray again. Copies come out rapidly
creating a flipbook effect that show Reggie screaming in
terror as the spider scurries up to him, the spider biting
him several times and then his face puffing up.

INT. OFFICE – BREAK ROOM. DAY. (FLASHBACK)

Haddock has used the photocopies to create a flipbook of
Reggie getting bitten by the spider. He’s handing them out
to his colleagues in the office break room.
They’re all flipping through it and laughing.
Reggie walks into the room. His face is all puffed up from
the spider bites. Everyone hides their copy of the flipbook
and awkwardly return to their lunches.
Reggie gets his lunchbox out from the fridge. Opens it and
screams: there’s a toy spider in it.
Everyone laughs.

EXT. OFFICE. DAY (FLASHBACK)

We see Reggie running away from the office. His puffy,
spider-bite-ridden face is covered in tears.
REGGIE (VO)
That moment, I decided the only thing I
wanted to do with people was killing
them. So I went solo.

58
 END FLASHBACK
INT. REGGIE’S CAR. DAY. (PRESENT DAY)
Hard cut: Back in Reggie’s car, Leroy is nodding in
solidarity with Reggie.
LEROY
I’m with you. Lone wolf for life.
REGGIE
Kid, I’m not a role model. I’m a
cautionary tale. When you hurt, you may
feel like crawling off and hiding from
the world. Like a wounded animal. But
that’s never gonna make you feel
better. A friend might.
The tender moment is completely ruined as a big bellowing
yell comes out of Jasper’s King Kong costume.
KING KONG
GAYYYYYY!
Jasper starts writhing around and punching himself in the
head and the gut.
LEROY
What the fuck are you doing, Jasper?
Leroy pulls the headpiece off Jasper’s head. We see that
Principal Haddock wasn’t dead – just unconscious.
Principal Haddock throws a few more punches at Jasper’s
face.
He then opens the car door and runs off – with Jasper still
in the costume too.
JASPER
Aaaahhhh!
Wesley waves goodbye as Jasper disappears into the
distance.
Reggie takes the head of his mascot costume off, so you can
see the dead head Muscly Joe.
The head bobs up and down as Reggie looks for a way to
pursue Principal Haddock. But they’re gridlocked in.
Reggie starts yelling and hitting the steering wheel. Leroy
taps him on the shoulder and points to the car next to
them: a four-year-old boy is looking at them.
59
They’re still in their costumes.
BOY
Mum! Mum! Quick look.
Just as the mum starts turning, Wesley slams the lion head
back on Reggie and starts singing -
WESLEY
We’re, uh, off to see the Wizard… the,
uh, wonderful wizard of Oz.
Reggie and Leroy join in, singing badly.
ALL
Because, because, because, because,
because, because, because, because…
The mum gives a bemused look at the singing Lion, Scarecrow
and Robot, then drives off.
CUT TO
EXT. DESOLATE INDUSTRIAL AREA. NIGHT.
Wesley and Jasper are standing in front of a green wheely
bin. Reggie’s behind the wheel of a garbage truck calling
out to the kids through the window.
REGGIE
Looks like we’ve reached the end of our
journey together, kids.
The claw of the garbage truck picks up the wheely bin and
hoists it up. Rich’s limp dead body falls out of it and
into the compactor.
The claw then returns the wheely bin to the ground.
LEROY
What do you mean? It’s not over. What
do we do about Principal Haddock?
Leroy and Wesley put Muscly Joe into the wheely bin.
REGGIE
I’m planning to do what I did before:
stay as far away from him as possible.
Reggie makes the claw pick up the wheely bin again. We see
Muscly Joe’s limp dead body fall into the compactor.

60
 LEROY
What if I paid you to kill him? I’ve
got more money.
REGGIE
I don’t take contracts you can’t close.
Wesley and Leroy put Graham Chester into the wheely bin.
Reggie gets the claw to pick up the wheely bin, but he
misses the compactor and Graham just hits the ground
instead.
REGGIE (CONT’D)
We need to try again.
The boys put the corpse in the bin. This time Reggie
successfully gets the corpse in the compactor.
LEROY
Please don’t leave me.
Reggie gets out of the truck. There’s a tear running down
Leroy’s face.
REGGIE
I’m sorry, kid. I’ve gotta go. Do you
want to press the button? That’ll cheer
you up.
Leroy shakes his head. So Reggie pushes it: it crushes the
bodies down.
WESLEY
What do we do about Jasper?
REGGIE
Haddock’s ruthless. I’d get used to the
fact that you’re probably never going
to see Jasper again.
HARD CUT
EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH - ENTRANCE. DAY. (MORNING)
Wesley and Leroy arrive at school together. Jasper jumps
out and says:
JASPER
Hey, dudes! What’s up?
WESLEY
JASPER!!!

61
Wesley gives him a hug. Jasper pushes Wesley off him.
JASPER
Homo!
Wesley looks hurt.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Sorry, dude. You surprised me.
LEROY
What happened last night?
JASPER
Nothing much. Hung out with Principal
Haddock. He’s a super nice dude.
LEROY
Did he tell you why a former contract
killer is working as a principal?
JASPER
No. We talked about our hopes, dreams
and passions, Mr. Nosey! One sec.
Jasper walks over to a meek looking kid who’s birdwatching
and gives him a massive wedgie. The meek kid’s equally meek
looking friend watches in horror. Jasper glares at him
JASPER (CONT’D)
Don’t just look at me! Wedgie yourself.
The kid starts wedgie-ing himself.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Did I say back-wedgie? Front-wedgie!
The kid gives himself a front wedgie. Leroy and Wesley look
on with dropped jaws, Jasper runs back to them.
JASPER (CONT’D)
What were we talking about? Oh yeah,
where were you guys saying Reggie was?
Leroy shakes his head.
WESLEY
Is he brainwashed.
LEROY
No. Just a fucking ape.
In the distance we hear a voice say –

62
 RANDOM (O.S.)
Go Apes!

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – CORRIDOR. DAY.

The boys are walking down the corridor. Jasper’s menacing
everyone. Throwing fake punches to make them flinch.
JASPER
How neat’s this? Everyone finally
respects us.
WESLEY
No, they’re just scared.
JASPER
Respect. Scared. You say tomato, I say
potato, dude. Hey, where’s Reggie?
LEROY
Listen, you can tell Haddock he can
stop worrying. Reggie’s gone. He left
us.
Jasper sees Sam, Craig and Trevor. He runs up to them.
JASPER
Good morning, dudes!
The bullies are so terrified of Leroy, Wesley and Jasper
that they’re shivering.
SAM
Hi, uh, Jasper, Wesley and Leroy. You
look well. How are you guys today?
Wesley and Leroy give each other a look of utter confusion.
Jasper has a huge smile on his face.
JASPER
Really, really good, dude! Hey,
football’s pretty cool, isn’t it?
SAM
Yes. Yes, it is. Would you like to be
on the team? I’m the captain! I can
make that happen.
JASPER
I would love to be captain of the
football team.

63
 HARD CUT
EXT. STILLVIEW HIGH – FOOTBALL FIELD. DAY.
It’s another football game. The crowd’s even smaller than
before. I’d say there’s about eight parents, a few kids,
Leroy and Wesley.
SAM
What’s the plan, captain?
JASPER
Pass it to me. I’ll run down the grass,
slam dunk it, then we can get a burger,
go to the movies, have a sleepover and
be best friends forever. GO APES!
They pass the ball to Jasper. Petrified, the other team’s
players part like he’s Moses and they’re the Red Sea.
Jasper starts waddling down the field, making obscene
gestures to all the rival team as he passes them.
We cut to Leroy and Wesley sitting beside the field.
WESLEY
We’ve created a monster.
LEROY
What movie’s that from?
WESLEY
Most of them.
A meek, slightly geeky kid comes up to Leroy and Wesley and
hands them a drink.
GEEK
Excuse me. I bought this for you.
Wesley snaps.
WESLEY
I didn’t ask for this! All I wanted was
to watch a movie on my portable DVD
player.
GEEK
Please don’t hurt me!
The kid cowers in fear for his life as Wesley storms off.
LEROY
Are you okay, Wesley?

64
 WESLEY
Fuck you,
(looks him up and down)
Severus Snape.
Leroy looks at the kid.
LEROY
Fuck off.
Principal Haddock sits beside Leroy and laughs as the kid
runs off.
HADDOCK
Tut, tut, tut. This school has a very
strict bullying policy.
Leroy ignores him.
HADDOCK
Don’t tell me you didn’t get a kick out
of that. He’s terrified of you. You
should run with this newfound respect
like Jasper’s, well, attempting to do.
We cut back to the football field. Jasper runs a metre with
the ball then stops and gasps for air. Then again.
Principal Haddock laughs to himself.
LEROY
Reggie told me all about you. I’m going
to find out what you’re doing here.
HADDOCK
And then?
LEROY
This -
Leroy gives Haddock the finger. Without looking, Principal
Haddock snaps the finger. Leroy screams but it’s covered by
the cheerleaders yelling:
CHEERLEADERS
GO JASPER!
CUT TO: the footy field. Jasper’s with the cheerleaders.
JASPER
Spell my name!

65
 CHEERLEADERS
Give me a J, gimme an A, gimme an S, P,
E, R. What does that spell? JASPER.
Jasper waddles right up to the goalposts and kicks the
ball. It bounces off the side of his shoe and misses.
UMPIRE
GOAL!!! THE APES WIN BY, UH, 100
POINTS.
Jasper looks at the other players menacingly.
JASPER
Well? Lift your captain up on your
shoulders.
They attempt to, but he’s a heavy boy.

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – TOILETS. DAY.

Leroy enters the bathroom. Plumes of pot smoke are coming
out of one cubicle.
Leroy knocks on the door and we see that his two middle
fingers are broken and in a home-made splint. Wesley
doesn’t answer.
LEROY
Wesley, I know you’re in there. Listen,
things are bad, but we need to stick
together. At least until we’ve sorted
stuff out with Haddock and Jasper.
Wesley laughs.
WESLEY
Ha. That’s pretty funny.
LEROY
Yeah, I know I was standoffish at
first. But I actually kind of like
hanging out with you guys.
Wesley laughs again.
WESLEY
Classic! This is hilarious.
Leroy gets pissed off.

66
 LEROY (CONT’D)
You know what? Fuck it. I don’t need
you either.
Leroy storms out.
CUT TO inside the cubicle: Wesley’s got headphones on and a
joint blazing while watching ALF on the laptop that
Principal Haddock offered him earlier.
He starts fighting back tears -
WESLEY
Poor ALF… you just want to get back to
your friends on Melmac.

INT. LEROY’S HOUSE – LOUNGE. NIGHT.

Leroy’s lying on a couch aimlessly flicking through TV
channels when his phone rings. It’s a videocall from his
Gram-Gram. He answers the phone and looks at her corpse.
LEROY
Hi Gram-Gram. I’m glad you called. I
need a friend.
All of a sudden, Gram-Gram’s corpse comes to life and
starts yelling at him.
GRAM-GRAM
You’re all alone. Isn’t this what you
wanted? MY TEETH HURT! MY TEETH HURT!
RING RING RING. The phone starts ringing again. Leroy wakes
up. It’s his Gram-Gram’s faulty phone dialing again. As he
answers it, his dad sits beside him.
HOWARD
Is that mum? Hi ma!
Howard waves to his mum’s corpse. Leroy ends the call.
HOWARD (CONT’D)
You want to talk?
Howard gestures to Leroy’s middle finger – it’s in a
homemade splint. Leroy shakes his head.
HOWARD
Well, I do. So I hope you’re up for
listening instead. My boss has gone
missing. They think he might be dead.
67
Leroy pretends to be surprised.
LEROY
He’s an arsehole. You must be happy.
HOWARD
Why? I don’t wish him harm…
Leroy picks up Howard’s laptop – the Sims is on and the
avatar of Rich is being buggered by a gorilla.
HOWARD (CONT’D)
…in real life.
LEROY
The guy’s a bully. He deserves to die.
HOWARD
Ha. You don’t really believe that.
You’re a good guy. We don’t like seeing
people get hurt. That’s what separates
us from the bullies.
The words hit Leroy hard. He doesn’t have a cynical
comeback or anything. Then his expression hardens.
LEROY
Why are you being such a faggot!
He automatically regrets what he said. His dad just gives
him a gentle, understanding smile and a kiss on the
forehead.
HOWARD
You really want to defeat bullies?
Don’t let the S.O.B.s change you!
Leroy looks at the TV screen: Graham Chester is yelling at
another contestant.
LEROY
S.O.B.s. Holy fucking shit! Thanks dad.
Leroy gives his dad a hug and runs off.

INT. LEROY’S HOUSE – BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Leroy is in his bedroom using a soldering iron to construct
something. He’s following the blueprints we saw earlier:
one’s for a jacket, the others for underwear. As he does
so, he talks to himself.

68
 LEROY
S.O.B.s… S.O.B.s… Think!
He remembers all the times it was said:
FLASH: We see Principal Haddock handing him a business
card.
HADDOCK
If you remember those names, give me a
call so I can take care of those
S.O.B.s.

FLASH: We see Sam and Craig having a heated conversation in

a school corridor.
CRAIG
I told you we went too far.
SAM
We needed to get the S.O.B.s attention.
FLASH: We see Haddock lay into Reggie in the locker rooms
and say -
HADDOCK
I’ve got a place for you amongst my
S.O.B.s now that you’ve killed three of
them.
FLASH: We see the ‘F’ fall off the banner that said
“Fuck Off Bullies” to reveal an ‘S’. The initials
running down the side are -
LEROY
S.O.B!
Leroy calls a very, very, very stoned Wesley.
WESLEY (PHONE)
Hello?
LEROY
Wesley, if you want to help Jasper,
meet me at school now!
There’s an awkward pause. We can hear what Wesley’s
watching through the phone.
VOICE (PHONE)
No ALF, you cannot eat the cat.

69
 WESLEY (PHONE)
Haaaaa. Sorry, what did you, uh, say?

INT. STILLVIEW HIGH – ASSEMBLY HALL. NIGHT.

It’s after hours at Stillview High. Leroy and Wesley have
broken into the Assembly Hall. Leroy is on Wesley’s
shoulders investigating the “SUCK OFF BULLIES” banner.
Wesley is clapping slowly.
LEROY
I was thinking: why was Principal
Haddock so determined to get us to tell
him the names of the “S.O.B.s” who
tattooed us.
Leroy ignores Wesley as he investigates the lettering on
the banner. Some of the letters peel off easily, revealing
other letters underneath it. Wesley’s still claps slowly.
LEROY
Because of this!
Leroy gets off Wesley’s shoulders and points up to the
banner: it now says “SOCIETY OF BULLIES”. Wesley continues
to slow clap.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Haddock’s the head of a secret Society
of Bullies and he’s using his job as a
principal to scout for recruits.
Suddenly, Leroy hears more slow clapping. He looks around
and sees Jasper and Principal Haddock walk out of the
shadows – they’re slow-clapping too.
LEROY (CONT’D)
What’s with all the clapping?
JASPER
Wesley wasn’t supposed to start until
we walked out of the shadows. You
fucked up our cool entrance, dude.
WESLEY
Sorry!
HADDOCK
You figured it out. Now what?

70
 LEROY
I call the cops, motherfucker!
Leroy dials triple zero. A voice answers:
VOICE
Triple Zero, please state your
emergency.
LEROY
Hello Pig, Stillview’s Principal is
running a secret Society of Bullies.
Can you send some other pigs?
A voice on the other side says:
VOICE
All bow down to the Society of Bullies!
HADDOCK
Come on, Leroy. Of course the pigs are
with us. Fucking think!
Leroy hangs up the phone.
HADDOCK
Tell you what. Because my favorite
film’s The Breakfast Club, I’m gonna
give you a choice.
LEROY
Breakfast Club? Really? I guess it’s
okay. But favorite?
HADDOCK
You can live happily every after by
conforming, getting a de-Goth makeover
and joining the Society of Bullies.
Like Ally Sheedy’s character.
LEROY
Wait? That’s what you think The
Breakfast Club is about?
HADDOCK
Three kids and their badass principal
join forces to peer-pressure Ally
Sheedy into not being a goth? Yeah.
Bewildered, Leroy looks at Wesley. Wesley shrugs his
shoulders.

71
 WESLEY
His interpretation kinda checks out.
Haddock victoriously punches the air and freezes in that
infamous Judd-Nelson-pose.
LEROY
What’s the other option?
HADDOCK
I make an example of you.
Leroy gives Haddock a defiant middle finger.
HADDOCK
So be it. S.O.B.s, let’s use Leroy and
Wesley to send a message.
Suddenly, a wave of Haddock’s followers converge upon Leroy
and Wesley.
WESLEY
You said you’d, uh, leave me alone if I
spied on Leroy. I need to get home and
finish Season Four of ALF! See if he
gets back to Melmac. Or eats the cat.
As the followers drag them away, Haddock yells out -
HADDOCK
We’re the Society of Bullies, not the
Society of Guys Who Keep Promises. That
would never fit on a business card.

INT. PRINCIPAL HADDOCK’S CAR. DAY.

Wesley and Leroy are in the back of the car. They have
sacks on their heads and their arms tied together. We can
see the backs of the sacks on their heads as they scream
for help out the car window. People drive past and laugh.
WESLEY LEROY
Help! Help! Help! Help!
Principal Haddock’s driving the car. He turns to Jasper.
HADDOCK
You hungry? You look like you’re hungry
all the time and it’s making me hungry.
JASPER
I wouldn’t say no to a burger.
72
They pull into a Meat Burgers drive thru. A teenage kid
takes their order.
EMPLOYEE
Can I take your order?
HADDOCK
I’ll have a couple of burgers, two
serves of fries and –
Wesley and Leroy go berserk.
WESLEY LEROY
Help! Help! Do something! Help.
We reveal that each sack on their head has a picture of a
kid’s screaming face. So they both look like tantrum-
throwing kids. The employee looks at them, bewildered.
HADDOCK
Kids, huh? They’re a fucking handful.
Do you have those meals with the toys
to keep the little shits quiet?
The employee nods. Leroy and Wesley slump into their seats.
We can hear Wesley sobbing through the sack.
WESLEY
Sorry I, uh, got us killed, Leroy! It’s
just… it’s just I really wanted that
laptop.
Leroy reaches out blindly and pats Wesley on the shoulder
to comfort him. It’s awkward.
LEROY
There, there. It’ll be alright.
WESLEY
I’m, uh, scared.
LEROY
Me too. But we’ll pull through. Be
brave.
WESLEY
Everything’s fucked! I feel like ALF:
lost and alone in a world where I don’t
belong.

73
 LEROY
You’re not alone. I’ll be there for
you, when the rain starts to pour, I’ll
be there for you.
WESLEY
Like I’ve been there before.
LEROY
We can be ALFs together.
WESLEY
I love you, best friend.
Wesley hugs a grimacing Leroy. It’s an extremely weird
sight – they’re still wearing the sacks over their heads
with the picture of a kid’s screaming face.
Principal Haddock shakes his head with a bemused look on
his face. Jasper actually looks jealous.
HADDOCK
What the fuck did we just watch?
The Meat Burger employees leaning out from the drive thru
window. He’s holding back tears.

INT. S.O.B. HQ – HALL. NIGHT.

The screen cuts to black. We hear the sounds of the boys
calling out for help as they’re dragged across the ground.
Ominous symphonic music plays. And then SWOOSH: the sack is
taken off Leroy’s head.
His eyes adjust to the light and, from his POV, we see the
Society of Bullies HQ: an ornate masonic temple that has
seen better days.
The temple is half-filled with mean looking people. There’s
cops, lawyers, bouncers, security guards, jocks, bikers,
mafia dons – every type of bully imaginable.
Wesley and Leroy are on their knees on a stage. There’s two
guards beside them. Principal Haddock walks onto the stage
and addresses the crowd. The “Society of Bullies” banner
unfurls behind him.
HADDOCK
Welcome not-so-gentle-men.
The crowd erupts into applause.

74
 HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Boy, I remember a time when this hall
was choc-a-block full of proud S.O.B.s.
How times change!
The crowd hoots and hollers in agreement. Principal Haddock
starts a video presentation on a massive screen. It’s
showing the logos of anti-bullying campaigns: “Stand up to
bullies”, “end bullying forever”, “beat up bullying”.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Today, the biggest victim of bullying
is us! Think about all those anti-
bullying campaigns. The libelous
portrayal of us in movies and TV.
The screen shows meatheaded jocks of film and TV: Biff,
Chad from Weird Science, Ace Merril from Stand By Me, etc…
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
It’s getting more and more difficult to
find recruits. We’re losing them to the
geek-side!
On the screen, there’s pictures of ordinary people
partaking in activities that used to be deemed ‘Geeky’.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Now everyone’s playing video games,
watching superhero movies, using ‘the
internet’, liking Lord of the Rings.
The geek are inheriting the earth!
CUT TO
Leroy looks over at Wesley. He’s trembling and his eyes are
welling with tears. Leroy attempts to comfort him.
LEROY
Don’t worry, Wesley. We’re gonna get
through this. Be confident. Like
whichever stupid superhero you like.
WESLEY
Uhhh? Batgirl.
LEROY
Really? Okay: be confident like
Batgirl.
CUT TO
On the screen, there’s more images of famous bullies.
75
 HADDOCK
Society may paint us as a destructive
force! But we have nothing on geeks.
The screen then starts showing pictures of Oppenheimer and
Einstein followed by nuclear blasts, Edison electrocuting
an elephant, scientists working on weapons.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
They created the atom bomb, biological
weapons, guided missiles. Can you
imagine a world where we didn’t keep
them under control?
There’s silence. Then on the screen, there’s an image of
the world blowing up.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
There wouldn’t be one! We’re the good
guys and we must continue to protect
the world by oppressing the meek!
The crowd erupts into uproarious applause.
HADDOCK
The best time to destroy a person’s
confidence is when they’re in high
school. So we’re launching a new
weapon!
Jasper walks out onto the stage, flexing his muscles.
JASPER
Hi, my name’s Jasper. And these are The
Jaspers!
Sam, Craig and Trevor run out onto the stage. They’re
dressed exactly like Jasper with their khaki shorts and
polo shirts.
JASPER (CONT’D)
And together we form Jasper and the
Jaspers! And we’re ready to kick geek
butt!
CUT TO
Leroy mutters to himself while shaking his head.
LEROY
Why did we want to help him again?

76
 CUT TO
On the stage, Jasper is showing off some extremely lame
martial art moves with Sam, Craig and Trevor. The audience
is visibly underwhelmed.
JASPER
This is just a hint of what we can do.
Haiii-yuh. Hyuh. HIIIIIII-ya!
Principal Haddock takes the microphone.
HADDOCK
He’s so desperate for approval, we can
send him into any high school and get
him to do anything we –
(distracted by Jasper’s grunts)
can you stop that karate shit!
Jasper stops his martial arts moves.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Jasper, are you ready for acceptance
into the Society of Bullies?
CUT TO
Leroy puts his head into his hands.
LEROY
Fuck. They said the magic word.
CUT TO
Jasper’s eyes fill with happiness he grabs the microphone
back off Principal Haddock again.
JASPER
Acceptance? That’d be a dream come
true. AC-CEP-TANCE. AC-CEP-TANCE. AC-
CEP-TANCE.
CUT TO
The bullies guarding Leroy and Wesley laugh as they watch
Principal Haddock fight to get the microphone back off
Jasper. Leroy uses this distraction as an opportunity to
mouth something to Wesley.
LEROY
Follow my lead!

77
 CUT TO
Principal Haddock gets the microphone back and continues
his oration.
HADDOCK
You must make an example of Leroy and
Wesley. Kill them and deliver a message
to the world: this is what happens when
you mess with the S.O.B.s.
JASPER
YEAH! I’ll deliver a message. Like a
fucking postman!
CUT TO
Leroy presses a button on his jacket and two fake arms
giving the finger rise up with great force, smacking both
guards in the face.
LEROY
Now!
Leroy and Wesley head to a door behind them.
HADDOCK
I wouldn’t go there. What’s on the
other side of that door’s unlike
anything you’ve ever seen!
They run through the door. Principal Haddock turns to
Jasper and his Jaspers and raises his arms.
HADDOCK (CONT’D)
Well? Get them!

INT. S.O.B. HQ – COMBAT ROOM. NIGHT.

Wesley and Leroy quickly push some metal lockers across the
door to keep the bullies out. BAM BAM BAM. They can hear
them trying to get in. Leroy looks around -
LEROY
He lied! This is a lot like something
we’ve seen before.
The room looks exactly like Stillview High’s corridors.
Wesley opens a locker. It’s completely empty and made from
wood, like a set from a play. There are CC cameras and
speakers everywhere.

78
 LEROY
This must be a training ground for
school bullies.
He opens a classroom door. Behind it there’s nothing but
wall.
LEROY (CONT’D)
See. Nothing’s real.
SAM
I am.
Sam, Trevor and Craig have got burst through the door.
Jasper’s voice starts booming over the PA system.
JASPER (PA)
Jaspers! It’s your leader, Jasper.
Jasper 1 and Jasper 3 attack Leroy.
Jasper 2 stick to Wesley.
Sam, Craig and Trevor look utterly confused.
CRAIG
Do you know which Jasper you are?
TREVOR
I didn’t even know we were called
Jasper and the Jaspers.
SAM
Well, let’s just attack them.
Leroy looks over to Wesley and sees that he’s still
trembling with fear.
LEROY
Remember, Wesley: be confident.
WESLEY
Like Batgirl?
LEROY
Yep, like Batgirl.
(to the bullies)
We’re ready for you.
Leroy smiles then presses a button on his jacket. Nothing
happens. He presses again and again. Nothing happens. He
looks at the wiring within his jacket. Some has come loose.

79
 LEROY (CONT’D)
Actually, if I could have thirty more
seconds that’d be great.
Sam and Trevor start attacking Leroy. He ducks a few
punches, lands a couple, gets hit a couple of times. All
the time, a frustrated Jasper is yelling over the PA –
JASPER (PA)
No, Jasper 3, you’re doing Jasper 2’s
job.
CUT TO
Behind them, Wesley’s getting menaced by Craig. He doesn’t
look half as confident as Sam and Trevor. There’s almost a
reluctance as he starts backing Wesley into a corner.
CRAIG
I’ll teach you why you don’t send pics
of dicks tucked between legs. And trick
people into jerking off over it. Then
make them super-confused about stuff.
CUT TO
Trevor smacks Leroy to the ground, grabs the top of his
underwear and starts lifting him up from the ground. Leroy
screams in pain, but at the same time we can see that he’s
using it as an opportunity to fix the wiring in his jacket.
TREVOR
I heard you can rupture a person’s
testicle doing this. Let’s see.
Leroy looks Trevor in the eye.
LEROY
Think I’m gonna go down without a
fight? You’re in for a shock!
The elastic band of Leroy’s underwear rips off electrifies,
sending a huge volt of electricity through Trevor.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Wedgie-proof underwear. Patent Pending.
Sam starts charging at him. Leroy presses a button on his
jacket and two additional hands rise from his jacket. They
start spraying mace at Sam.
Sam starts writhing on the ground and Leroy flips him off

80
with his actual bandaged fingers. So he’s got a grand total
of six hands giving Sam the finger.
CUT TO
Wesley has been completely backed into a corner. Craig is
getting ready to throw some punches and then -
WESLEY
I’M GOING TO PRESS THE HEADS OF OUR
DICKS TOGETHER, LICK YOUR BUTTHOLE
BEFORE PUTTING YOUR BALLS IN MY MOUTH.
THEN WE’LL TAKE TURNS EXPLODING OUR
WARMTH INSIDE EACH OTHER.
This completely stops Craig in his tracks.
CRAIG (CONT’D)
Fuck this. I just wanted to play
football and call some kids names. But
now everyone’s “let’s tattoo people,
save the world from geeks, and kill.”
Jasper comes back over the PA.
JASPER (PA)
No. Jasper 3, you must finish them.
Craig starts walking out.
CRAIG
It’s not fun anymore. I’m going home to
jerk off over the picture of your dick
tucked between your legs again. And I’m
going to enjoy it.
Craig leaves the room and Leroy runs up to Wesley and high-
fives him.
LEROY
You were like a completely different
person back there, Wesley. Who are you?
WESLEY
(gruff, like Batman)
I’m Batgirl.
THWAK! Wesley falls to the ground. Jasper has jumped out of
a locker with a cricket bat and smacked him to the ground.
JASPER
(gruff, like Batman)
And I’m cricket-bat-man, dude.

81
Leroy points up at his mechanical fingers.
LEROY
I don’t want to use these on you!
JASPER
I don’t want you to either.
Jasper pulls out a remote and hits a button. The fire
sprinklers come on. Leroy’s jacket starts sparking and
zapping him.
LEROY
Fuck! Ow. Fuck.
He throws the jacket off. Jasper starts swinging the bat at
him. Leroy dodges the swings.
LEROY (CONT’D)
Stop swinging the bat at me! It feels
like we’re playing sport. It’s gross.
JASPER
I’m a jock now.
Leroy involuntarily lets out a huge monotone laugh.
LEROY
Haaaaa!
Jasper uses this as an opportunity to smack him in the gut
with the cricket bat. Leroy falls to the ground gasping.
Jasper raises the cricket bat above his head and gets ready
to deliver a death blow. Haddock starts cheering him on via
the PA system.
HADDOCK (PA)
Yes, that’s it. End him. Now.
A shrill whistle can be heard behind Jasper.
JASPER
Dude, was that your rape whistle. It’s
not still in your butt, is it?
Jasper turns around and sees that Wesley has it in his
mouth – he’s also holding a broomstick.
WESLEY
Nope. It’s in my mouth.
JASPER
That’s actually kinda worse.

82
THWAK. Wesley smacks Jasper in the face with the
broomstick.
WESLEY
You just got Quidditch’d, bitch.
Wesley and Leroy run down the corridor and through a door.

INT. SOB HQ – HOME SIMULATION. NIGHT.

Leroy and Wesley bust through the door and find themselves
in a home simulation. It looks like a teenager’s bedroom. A
middle-aged man comes out and starts yelling at Wesley.
DAD
You’ll never amount to anything. You’re
a disgrace to our family’s name.
LEROY
Don’t listen to him, Wesley. He’s not
your dad. This is bully training.
Wesley turns to the dad and yells -
WESLEY
You’re not my dad!
Haddock’s voice comes over the PA.
HADDOCK (PA)
You can’t escape!
Jasper comes running through with his cricket bat. Wesley
and Leroy run into the next room.

INT. SOB HQ – OFFICE SIMULATION. NIGHT.

Wesley and Leroy bust through the next set of doors. It
looks like the office that Reggie and Haddock used to work
at. An aggressive boss starts yelling at them.
BOSS
Alright, you incompetent number
monkeys. Cancel your weekend plans.
You’re working or you’re fired.
The boys run past him.
WESLEY
You’re not my dad!

83
They hear Principal Haddock over the PA again.
HADDOCK (PA)
There will always be a bully in your
life.
Jasper bursts into the room just in time to see them go
into the next room.

INT. SOB HQ – GYM SIMULATION. NIGHT.

Wesley and Leroy run into a room that’s done up like a gym.
A muscly personal trainer barks at them as they run past
him and the exercise equipment
TRAINER
You call that running, you pathetic
unfit, butterballs? Drop and give me
ten push-ups now!
WESLEY
You’re not my dad!
They run out of the room. Jasper enters. He’s puffing,
sweaty and eating a chocolate bar.
JASPER
Do you have any sports water that’s
been scientifically designed for
athletes? My electrolytes are low!

INT. SOB HQ – GIRLS’ SLEEPOVER SIMULATION. NIGHT.

They run into the next room. It’s made up to look like a
loungeroom where four 13-year-old girls are having a
sleepover.
WESLEY
Sorry, girls. We’ll be gone in a sec…
One runs up to Wesley and giggles as she gives him a
drawing that she’s done. It’s covered in glitter.
GIRL
I made this for you!
Wesley smiles and unfolds it – it’s a picture of him with
writing on it that says “Wesley is a skinny slut with no
tits.” All the girls start giggling.

84
 WESLEY
Mean girls! You’re not my dads!
Principal Haddock starts cackling over the PA.
HADDOCK (PA)
We come in all forms!
Just as Wesley and Leroy leave the room, Jasper runs in.
He’s puffing and sweating. The girls recoil in horror.
JASPER
Hello ladies.
GIRLS
Gross!

INT. SOB HQ – COMPUTER ROOM SIMULATION. NIGHT.

They run into the next room. There’s a sole person sitting
at a computer. He’s a nerdy-looking pudgy guy.
WESLEY
Hey. He, uh, looks like one of us.
LEROY
You okay, kid? We’ll help get you out
of here. Just come with us.
The nerd types something on his computer. Suddenly Leroy’s
phone vibrates. He looks at it.
LEROY (CONT’D)
The guy just called us ‘homos’ on
Facebook and Twitter.
WESLEY
He’s a cyberbully.
Principal Haddock’s voice comes over the PA again.
HADDOCK (PA)
I told you, boys. Bullies are
everywhere.
Leroy runs up to the next door and starts to open it.
LEROY
Come on, Wesley. Quick.
Wesley just shakes his head.

85
 WESLEY
No. No more running!
Puffing, sweating and weak, Jasper enters the room.
JASPER
(between gasps)
That. Is. Music. To. My. Ears. Dudes.
Wesley points to the room they just came from.
WESLEY
Why do you want to join those people
back there? They’re all awful.
JASPER
Not all of them. The cute little girls
drew me a picture.
Jasper unfolds the piece of paper. He sees that it’s an
unflattering picture of him naked and making love to a dog
with “JASPER FAT-TITTY DOG FUCKER” written on it.
JASPER (CONT’D)
Fucking bitches!
Haddock’s voice comes over the PA.
HADDOCK (PA)
Just fucking kill them already!
WESLEY
Do you really think you’ll be, uh,
happy with these guys?
JASPER
No. But I’m sick and tired of feeling
picked on and alone.
Jasper holds up his cricket bat and gets ready to Wesley
with the cricket bat.
WESLEY
Strike me down and I’ll become more
powerful than you could -
BAM! Jasper hits him with the cricket bat.
WESLEY (CONT’D)
Ow! You, uh, broke my arm! I feel so
weak. And powerless.
Jasper immediately looks upset with himself.

86
 JASPER
I’m sorry, dude.
Leroy runs at him. BAM! Jasper strikes him with the cricket
bat too. Leroy and Wesley are both face down, groaning and
twitching on the ground.
HADDOCK (PA)
End them. Become one of us.
JASPER
Okay. Okay. I’ll do it!
Jasper lifts his bat up to deliver the final blow.
HADDOCK
NOW!
Still smarting from the impact of the cricket bat, Leroy’s
not strong enough to lift his head up from the ground. But
he is strong enough to say -
LEROY
You’re not one of them. You’re one of
us. If you put that bat down, I can’t
guarantee you won’t be bullied, but at
least you won’t be a bully.
Leroy pulls his pants down, sticks his butt in the air and
points at his DickBird tattoo.
LEROY (CONT’D)
You’ll be one of us: a Dick Bird.
Wesley pulls his pants down to reveal his dick-bird tattoo.
WESLEY
We’re Dick Birds.
LEROY
And it’s time we stopped flying solo.
Jasper looks at the DickBird tattoos. He looks down at his
cricket bat. Jasper bursts into tears.
JASPER
I’m so sorry, guys. It’s just that I
wanted handjobs so bad. So bad!
Leroy pulls his pants up and says -

87
 LEROY
I can’t give you a handjob, my friend…
but I can use my hand to give you a
high-five!
JASPER
THAT’S THE OTHER THING I WANTED!
CUT TO
MONTAGE
We see all the times that Jasper tried to get a high five,
but didn’t (it happened a lot). And we see that each time,
his heart broke that little bit more.
- There was the time he was dressed as a gorilla and Sam
kicked a goal. He put his hand up for a high five, but
Sam ignored him.
- There was the time they learned the video of them getting
tattooed had reached 10-million views. He put his hand up
for a high five from Leroy and Wesley, but was ignored.
- There was the time at the lavish restaurant when Jasper
put his hand up for a high five from Reggie, but Reggie
instinctively slammed it into the table.
- There was the time when Reggie offered to give Jasper a
“post-wank high-five” after scaring Trevor, but moved his
hand and said “too slow”.
- There was the time that Jasper approached Sam in the
classroom and told him he had a big hole to fill and that
he could fill it. He put his hand up and Sam punched him.
- There was the time he tried to get one from Rich, but got
a punch in the gut.
END MONTAGE
INT. SOB HQ – COMPUTER ROOM SIMULATION. NIGHT.
We return back to the computer room and see Leroy’s hand
high five Jasper’s. He bursts into tears of happiness. Then
Leroy looks down: Jasper has his pants down by his ankles.
His bush is so massive it’s obscuring his penis.
LEROY
What the fuck, Jasper?

88
 JASPER
When you two playas pulled your pants
down before I felt left out.
LEROY
I only trimmed your bush two days ago.
JASPER
This is nothing. This is like my dick’s
five-o-clock shadow. Group hug.
Jasper, Wesley and Leroy hug.
JASPER
I can feel your heart beating against
me.
LEROY
I can actually feel your bush growing
against me.
The Cyberbully interrupts this heartwarming moment.
CYBERBULLY
I just emailed this pic to everyone at
your school.
He points at his computer – there’s a picture he just took
of Jasper hugging Leroy and Wesley without his pants on.
JASPER
You know what? Go fuck yourself, I
don’t care.
Haddock’s face suddenly appears on the computer screen.
HADDOCK (ON COMPUTER)
How fucking heartwarming. You still
won’t win. We’ve got you surrounded!
You can’t fight us.
LEROY
We’re not going to. We’re just going to
ignore you and walk out that door.
Leroy points to a big door in the room with an EXIT sign
above it.
HADDOCK (ON COMPUTER)
That’s very mature of you boys. And I
respect that.

89
 JASPER
Thanks, dude! That means a lot.
Leroy looks at Jasper and shakes his head.
JASPER (CONT’D)
I meant: fuck you.
The boys give each other a victorious high five and walk
through the exit door to end their adventure. BUT -

INT. SOB HQ – HALL. NIGHT.

The boys look around. In front of them is the room full of
bullies. They’re back in the hall and on-stage with
Principal Haddock.
HADDOCK
I know what you’re thinking: Jiminy-
Shitting-Cricket.
LEROY
No. No one ever thinks that.
HADDOCK
There’s no way out! What are you going
to do?
He’s right. The boys look around and there’s nothing they
can do. They’re surrounded. But then Wesley steps forward.
WESLEY
We’re going to stick with our initial
plan. But we’re walking through that
door. Because try as hard as you will
never be able to -
BANG! Haddock fires a gun. It grazes Wesley’s arm.
HADDOCK
Whatever you’re about to say is wrong.
I can. Because I have a gun.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
He fires at them some more. The boys take cover. So do all
the bullies in the audience.
Suddenly, there’s a screech of feedback over the PA. A
familiar voice starts talking over it.

90
 REGGIE (OVER PA)
Stay down, boys.
LEROY
It’s Reggie!
REGGIE (OVER PA)
Don’t worry! Help’s choppering in!
They hear the sound of chopper blades. They’re confused.
Then they see the source of the sound.
It’s the remote controlled FLYING COCK again. It hovers
down the corridor and starts buzzing around Principal
Haddock.
HADDOCK
Is this supposed to be a distraction or
something?
JASPER
Oh. Ha-fucking-ha, Reggie. Listen,
you’ve made your point. The heli-COCK-
ter was a stupid idea.
LEROY
Yeah, Reggie. Seems like a bad time to
make a point.
REGGIE (OVER PA)
It was a stupid idea when Jasper did
it. But I made some modifications.
A thick white wire shoots out of the tip of the flying cock
– it’s a taser hook from a taser gun. The taser hook sticks
into Haddock and starts zapping him.
He falls to the ground convulsing, then falls unconscious.
Reggie comes running into the room.
LEROY
I thought you’d abandoned us.
REGGIE
After I left you that day, I realized
something. Dick Birds need to look out
for other Dick Birds.
JASPER
Sweet. But before we start high-fiving
each other, we should probably escape
all these bullies waiting to kill us.

91
 REGGIE
Don’t worry. I’ve got it covered.
FLASHBACK TO
EXT. SOB HQ. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)
Reggie is trailing Principal Haddock’s car as he drives
Wesley and Jasper to the Society of Bullies Headquarters.
Principal Haddock stops the car and drags the boys out of
the car and into the HQ.
Reggie takes some pictures of what’s happening, gets out
his laptop and quickly types up a message.
FLASH TO
INT. COMPUTER ROOMS. NIGHT. (FLASHBACK)
We see a montage of different types of people reading
Reggie’s message on their computers, phones and tablets.
There’s fat kids, punks, nerdy looking kids, spotty kids,
timid office workers…
REGGIE (VO)
This is to the people out there who
feel alone, like there’s something
wrong with you and you don’t belong.
They start sharing the message on email, animating it,
auto-tuning it.
REGGIE (VO)
Truth is there’s a lot of us. A lot
more than the people who work hard to
keep us feeling that way. Like we’re
the outsiders.
The geeks start sharing this via Facebook, Twitter, Reddit,
texts, chat functions on World of Warcraft etc…
REGGIE (VO)
It’s time to stop hiding away. We need
to come together. Show them that
they’re The ones who don’t belong. And
no matter how hard they bite, how loud
they bark, they will not change us.
We then see the geeks getting ready to fight.
REGGIE (VO)
Let’s end the Society of Bullies.

92
 FLASH TO
INT. SOB HQ – HALL. NIGHT. (PRESENT)
Suddenly the doors of the Society of Bullies burst open and
a huge crowd comes running into the room.
The bullies immediately see that they’re overpowered and
surrender. The cowards don’t even try to fight.
Reggie and the boys cheer. We zoom out to reveal that
Principal Haddock is swinging by his underwear from a hook
on the wall – it’s a huge wedgie.
REGGIE
Looks like we’ve reached a nice
peaceful resolution to this conflict.
So what do you kids want to do now?
LEROY
We should trash the place.
REGGIE
How about cake? Want to go for cake?
I’ve got a real thing for cake now.
Leroy puts on a different voice.
LEROY
(English accent)
Yeah, let’s trash the place.
REGGIE
Stop being naughty, Leroy.
LEROY
(Girl’s voice)
Yeah, trashing the place will be fun.
A stranger hears Leroy and yells –
STRANGER
The guy, the English dude and the girl
are right: Let’s trash the joint!
He starts trashing stuff and everyone else follows. Leroy
laughs – he’s successfully incited a riot.
REGGIE
You’re a bad boy, Leroy
Wesley pipes up.

93
 WESLEY
I think I know what we should do.

INT. TATTOO PARLOUR. NIGHT.

We’re back in the tattoo parlor. The boys are standing
around Reggie and smiling as he gets a tattoo on his butt.
We see the tattoo. It’s a highly detailed and realistic
looking dickbird – the most beautiful, special creature you
could ever hope to come across.
FADE OUT

94