1 Griffith University Interpersonal Skills

GRIFFITH UNIVERSITY

School of Applied Psychology

Griffith Health

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS
1008PSY

Learning Group Workbook

2024

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Contents
OVERVIEW OF COURSE MATERIALS............................................................................4
Interpersonal communication - perceptual positions and skills................................................4
Course overview........................................................................................................................5
Module 1 - Receiving information: An overview..................................................................7
OUR LISTENING ABILITY...................................................................................................9
Learning Group Activity 1: Identifying listening blocks..........................................................12
LISTENING BLOCKS IN CONTEXT..................................................................................13
ATTENDING and FOLLOWING..........................................................................................15
Learning Group Activity 2: Is this person following?...............................................................17
Learning Group Activity 3: Evaluating attending and following skills....................................18
QUESTIONING......................................................................................................................20
Learning group Activity 4: Asking Questions...........................................................................22
Learning Group Activity 5: Exploring your experiences with questions..................................23
REFLECTING SKILLS..........................................................................................................25
Learning group Activity 6: Reflection of Feelings Activity.....................................................26
Learning Group Activity 7: Reflection of Content/Paraphrasing Exercise...............................28
Module 2 - Sending information: An overview...................................................................30
DISCLOSURE........................................................................................................................32
Learning group Activity 8: Expressing thoughts and feelings..................................................33
Learning Group Activity 9: Appropriate self-disclosure...........................................................35
SENDING MESSAGES.........................................................................................................37
ASSERTION........................................................................................................................37
Learning Group Activity 10: Are these passive, assertive or aggressive responses?................38
Learning Group Activity 11: Formulating passive, assertive and aggressive messages...........39
CONSTRUCTING THE CONTENT OF A DIRECT MESSAGE........................................40
Learning Group Activity 12: Direct and indirect messages......................................................40
SENDING DIRECT MESSAGES: BEING SPECIFIC AND CONCRETE IN WHAT YOU
SAY..................................................................................................................41
Learning Group Activity 13: Expressing “I” Messages............................................................42
CONGRUENCE BETWEEN VERBAL AND NONVERBAL MESSAGES.......................43
Learning Group Activity 14: Sending congruent messages......................................................43
REQUESTS FOR A CHANGE IN THE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS.................................46
ESCALATING ASSERTION.................................................................................................47
Learning Group Activity 15: Using escalating assertion..........................................................47
Module 3: Managing the interaction: An overview.............................................................49
MANAGING THE INTERACTION......................................................................................51

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Learning Group Activity 16: Taking the 3rd position................................................................51

Learning Group Activity 17: Reflecting on conversations........................................................58
Learning Group Activity 18: Planning how to manage interactions.........................................59
Learning group Activity 19: Practising managing the interaction............................................63
MANAGING EMOTIONS.....................................................................................................65
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT PROCESS.............................................................................67
Learning Group Activity 19: Applying the conflict management process.............................68
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES................................................................................71
Learning Group Activity 20: Conflict management scenarios..................................................72
Learning Group Activity 21: How well is Alinta managing the interaction?...........................76

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OVERVIEW OF COURSE MATERIALS

Interpersonal skills has been arranged into three online modules with mini-lectures and
textbook readings integrated. To support the development of skills, there are also 2
workbooks: a tutorial workbook and a learning group workbook. The workbooks also
integrate some of the content from the online modules that is directly relevant to the
activity you will need to complete. This workbook outlines the activities you will complete
with your learning group. It is expected that you meet with your learning group for at least
1 hour per week every week starting in week 4. It is important that all group members
attend and have a chance to practice their skills and face to face meetings are encouraged.
We have provide some suggestions about progress in the table below, but these are a guide
only and the activities are self paced.

Interpersonal communication - perceptual positions and skills

The three modules for this course are developed around the main roles in communication:
Receiving Information, Sending Information, and Managing the Interaction. Each of the
three roles involves experiencing the communication, or interaction, from a particular
perceptual position. Perceptual positions are a way of understanding situations from
different perspectives. Also, for each role, there are skills that can be learned and
developed to facilitate more effective communication. Let's consider the three primary
perceptual positions (as described by Knight, 1995) and the related skills that enhance the
communication process.

Taking the 1st position involves seeing, hearing, and feeling the situation through your
own eyes, ears, and emotions. Your thoughts include what is important to you and what
outcomes you would like to achieve. You are likely to express yourself with phrases such
as "I feel", "I see", and "I want". The "I" refers to you personally. In this position you are
experiencing the situation as you in your own shoes. 1st person skills are the skills for
conveying or expressing information to others (without threat, blame or demand).
Some of these skills are basic information giving skills, and some are skills for dealing
with problems where one's own needs have been overlooked by someone else. 1 st position
and 1st person skills will be focused on in Module 2 - Sending Information - which looks at
the role of the sender during the process of communication.

Taking the 2nd position is experiencing the situation as if you are the other person.
You imagine stepping into the shoes of the other person and looking at the situation
from their perspective. At this point you understand what the other person is doing and it
makes sense because in their shoes it is normal. 2nd person skills are the skills for
receiving and understanding information from someone else. These skills include
recognising and clarifying nonverbal behaviour, active listening, and questioning. 2 nd
position and 2nd person skills will be focussed on here in Module 1 - Receiving Information
- which concentrates on the role of the receiver in the communication process.

Taking the 3rd position involves standing back from a situation and experiencing it as
an observer. You are able to see and hear yourself and the other person in the interaction,
as if you are a third person. 3rd person skills are the skills for managing the interaction
so that all people's needs are met. They are important for identifying what information is
needed at any point in the communication process. 3rd person skills are particularly
important for problem solving and conflict management. 3 rd position and 3rd person skills

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will be focused on in Module 3 - Managing the Interaction - which examines the role of
managing the communication process.

Course overview
Learning Group
Week Lecture Online Content Face to face tutorials Activities
Beginning
1. Introduction to the course and Module 1 Getting to know you: No meeting
4th March the communication process. Nonverbal Communication
(In-person live lecture) Models of
communication
2. Attending and following No meeting
11th March Nonverbal skills:
communication
3. Attending and following Suggested progress:
18th March Listening and skills continued and Arrange a regular
responding skills Questioning skills Groups time to meet in the
Formed. coming week.
Complete activities 1-
2
4. Module 1 in review No tutorials Suggested progress:
25th March (In-person live lecture) Complete activities 3-
Public [Lecture on Tuesday for GC 4
Holiday and Thursday for MG (at
Friday 29th Nathan) – no lecture Friday.

1st April Mid-Sem Break (1 week)

5. Questioning Suggested progress:
8th April Reflecting feeling and Complete activities 5
content.

6. Module 2 Reflecting feeling and content Suggested progress:

15th April Self-disclosure Complete activities 6-
7

7. Suggested progress:
22nd April Self-disclosure No tutorials Complete activities 8-
Public 10
Holiday Assertive
Thursday Communication
25th
8. Module 2 in review Self-disclosure Suggested progress:
29th April (In-person live lecture) Assertive Communication Complete activities
11-12
9. No tutorials Suggested progress:
6th May BST’s in tutorial time Complete activities
Public 13- 15
Holiday
Monday
6th

10. Module 3 Managing conversations and Suggested progress:

13th May conflict Complete activities
Interaction 16-18
11. management: Conflict management Suggested progress:
20th May Principles of Complete activities
Conversation 19-21
12. Module 3 in review Bringing it all together
27th May (In-person live lecture) Interpersonal Conflict
Assignment & Conflict
due Management
Monday
27th May

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Module 1
Receiving Information
MODULE 1 - RECEIVING INFORMATION: AN OVERVIEW

The focus of this module is on the role of "receiver". Of course, it must be remembered
that communication is not a linear process, where a message is sent and then received.
Rather, a communicator is both receiver and sender at the same time. However, for
simplification, we will look at these roles individually, and for now, concentrate on the
"receiver" in the communication process. To effectively receive and understand
information from another person we need to put ourselves in their position.

Being in the 2nd position is stepping into the shoes of another person and experiencing
the situation as if you are the other person. Your purpose is to understand the situation
that the other person is trying to communicate to you. When you are having difficulty in
understanding the behaviour of another person, 2nd position allows you to get behind their
behaviour and into their thoughts, feelings, experience and assumptions. What they are
doing and saying makes sense from their perspective and can be seen as normal when you
put yourself in their shoes. Once you attempt to gain an understanding from their
perspective, you will communicate your understanding to the other person, who is likely to
feel reassured that you do understand. Then, from your understanding of how the other
person is affected, you will be in a position to choose how to deal with the situation.
Appropriate communication skills will assist you in getting information from, and gaining
an understanding of, the other person.

2nd person skills are the skills that can be used for receiving and understanding
information from someone else. These skills can be used to get information in a way that
we can understand it. The way we listen and respond is critical in relationships. A lack of
skill in receiving information can lead to distancing and misunderstanding whereas
effective use of skills can lead to enhanced relationships. 2 nd person skills include
recognising and clarifying nonverbal behaviour, active listening skills such as attending,
following, reflection of feeling and content, and questioning skills.

Overall aim: The aim of this module is to develop your ability, as a receiver in the
communication process, to effectively elicit and understand information from others. The
activities in this module are designed to complement and reinforce the activities that you
have undertaken during the tutorials for this module. You should also refer to the readings
listed under Module 1 in your textbook as you undertake this module. Understanding
these skills and being able to demonstrate them is important for your Behavioural
Skills Tests.

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Some more specific outcomes include:

 Being able to take the empathic 2nd position to better understand the information being
communicated to you

 Being able to recognise that information may be transmitted in verbal and non-verbal
forms

 Understanding the importance of clarifying nonverbal behaviour

 Being able to attend to and follow the sender

 Being able to reflect the feelings and the content of the sender's message

 Developing skills in the use of a variety of questioning styles

 Recognising that your choice of 2nd person skills will depend heavily on the context in
which you are receiving information.

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OUR LISTENING ABILITY

As we start to examine what is involved in listening, we need to consider the many factors
that influence our ability to listen. Some of these factors relate to the sender, the receiver,
the message and the context. The following table lists some of the factors which have been
found to influence our listening ability.

Factors influencing listening ability

Factors related to the Sender Factors related to the Receiver

Speech rate Capacity to understand

Speech delivery Motivation and needs
Emotionality Organisational ability
Status Concentration techniques
Credibility Gender
Attractiveness and halo effect Fatigue
Meaning/jargon/semantics Disposition/mood
Group membership and stereotypes Past experiences
Prejudgement/inaccurate perception:
* stereotypes
* self-fulfilling prophecies
* first impressions
* implicit theories
* attribution errors

Factors related to the Message Factors related to the Context

Wording Ventilation and temperature
Significance Background noise
Complexity/difficulty Seating arrangements
Privacy
Language differences
Type of relationship

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Receiver’s blocks to listening

Let’s look more closely at the receiver’s blocks to listening. The following list covers
twelve blocks to listening. You will find that some blocks are old favourites that you and
others use over and over. Other blocks are held in reserve for certain types of people or
situations. Everyone uses listening blocks, so don’t worry if a lot of blocks are familiar.
Reading this material is simply an opportunity for you to become more aware of the blocks
that you and others use when receiving information.

Comparing: When comparing you are always trying to assess who is smarter, more
competent, more emotionally healthy – you or the other. Some people focus on who has
suffered more, who is a bigger victim. Consequently, you can’t let much in because you
are too busy seeing if you measure up.

Mind Reading: The mind reader doesn’t pay much attention to what people say and
typically guesses what the other person is ‘really’ thinking and feeling. When mind-
reading you tend to make assumptions about how people react to you rather than listening
to what is actually said.

Rehearsing: You don’t have time to listen when you’re rehearsing what to say. Your
whole attention is on the preparation of your next comment. You have to ‘look’ interested,
but your mind is going a mile a minute because you’ve got a story to tell, or a point to
make. Some people rehearse whole chains of responses.

Filtering: When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You may pay
attention to see if somebody’s angry, or unhappy, or if you’re in emotional danger. Once
assured that the communication contains none of those things, you let your mind wander.
People sometimes filter to avoid hearing anything threatening, negative, critical or
unpleasant.

Judging: Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or
arrogant or unqualified, you don’t pay much attention to what they say. You’ve already
written them off. Hastily judging a statement as immoral, hypocritical, ‘over-the-top’ or
crazy means you’ve ceased to listen and have begun a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction.

Dreaming: You are half-listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers off a
chain of private associations. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or
anxious. Everybody dreams, and you sometimes need to make Herculean efforts to stay
tuned in. At the very least, it is an indication that you don’t value what the person has to
say.

Identifying: In this block, you take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your
own experiences. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you’ve felt, done, or
suffered. You are so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there is no time to
really hear or get to know the other person.

Advising: You are the great problem-solver, jumping in inappropriately with help and
suggestions and not taking time to actually use your listening skills. After hearing a few
sentences you begin searching for the right advice. However, in doing so, you may miss

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what is most important such as feelings and acknowledgment of the person’s pain. He or
she still feels basically alone because you couldn’t listen and just be there.

Sparring: This block has you arguing and debating and the other person never feels heard
because you are so quick to disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to
disagree with. You take a strong stance and are very clear about your beliefs and
preferences. One type of sparring is the ‘put-down’ where you use harsh or sarcastic
remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view. A second type of sparring is
discounting - for people who can’t stand receiving compliments. The basic technique is to
run yourself down when you get a compliment.

Being Right: Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shouting,
make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You find it difficult
to listen to criticism, be corrected, and/or take suggestions to change. Since you won’t
acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.

Derailing: This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You
‘derail the train of conversation’ when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic.
Another way of derailing is by ‘joking it off’. That is, you continually respond to whatever
is said with a joke or a quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously
listening to the other person.

Placating: You want to be nice, pleasant and supportive. You want people to like you. So
you agree with everything. You may half-listen, just enough to get the drift, but you are
not really involved. You are placating rather than tuning in and examining what is being
said.

Source: Adapted from McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983, 2012).

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Learning Group Activity 1: Identifying listening blocks

Now let's look at these listening blocks as they occur in interpersonal interactions. Your
task is to determine which type of block is being used in the example provided. Space is
provided in the column alongside the example to record your decision. After you have
completed the exercise for yourself, compare your decisions with your learning group
colleagues. Rather than looking for answers to be right or wrong, see if you can provide a
rationale for your response in relation to the literature provided in your tutorial.

Example Block in use

1. While someone is talking, you think to yourself: "Could I do
it that well? … I've had it harder, he doesn't know what hard
is … I earn more than that … My kids are so much
brighter".

2. "I'll say, then he'll say, then I'll say," and so on.

3. Your neighbour says she has been laid off, and in a flash,
you are back to the scene where you got fired for checking
Facebook on those long coffee breaks. Facebook is
important to you, and you think that you really must check if
your friend posted photos from the weekend. And you are
gone, only to return a few minutes later as your neighbour
says, "I knew you'd understand, but don't tell my husband."

4. Charlotte starts telling Alan about her problems in a biology

class. Alan says: "When are you going to have brains
enough to drop that class?"

5. "Right…Right… Absolutely… I know… Of course, you are

… Incredible… yes… Really?'

6. "She says she wants to go to the show, but I'll bet she's tired
and wants to relax. She might be resentful if I push her when
she doesn't want to go."

7. A mother listens just enough to her son to learn whether he

is fighting again at school.

8. Your son wants to tell you about a toothache, but that

reminds you of the time you had oral surgery for receding
gums. You launch into your story before he can finish his.

9. Ali is feeling overwhelmed with the noise from the TV.

When he tells Ayesha, she says, "Oh no, not that TV routine
again."

10. You hear yourself thinking … "I bet he's looking at my dirty
hair … she thinks I'm stupid … she's turned off by my

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shyness."

11. A young man quickly ascertains what kind of mood his

girlfriend is in. If she seems happy as she describes her day,
his thoughts begin wandering.

12. You find yourself cooking up suggestions and convincing

someone to "just try it."

13. "Oh, I didn't do anything … what do you mean, I was totally

lame … it's nice of you to say, but it's really a very poor
attempt."
Source: Examples adapted from McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983; 2012)

LISTENING BLOCKS IN CONTEXT

For the following people in your life, rate each of the following listening blocks on the
scale provided, according to how much you use that block when interacting with the
person. First, complete the exercise on your own, and then discuss your evaluation with
your learning group. In your group discussion, look for any patterns in the use of blocks
that occur amongst different members of your group. Talk about how you might use
different listening blocks for the different people you interact with.

Rating scale: 0 = never 1 = sometimes 2 = frequently 3 = always

Parent Sibling Friend Boss

Mind reading ____ Mind reading ____ Mind reading ____ Mind reading ____
Comparing ____ Comparing ____ Comparing ____ Comparing ____
Rehearsing ____ Rehearsing ____ Rehearsing ____ Rehearsing ____
Filtering ____ Filtering ____ Filtering ____ Filtering ____
Judging ____ Judging ____ Judging ____ Judging ____
Dreaming ____ Dreaming ____ Dreaming ____ Dreaming ____
Identifying ____ Identifying ____ Identifying ____ Identifying ____
Advising ____ Advising ____ Advising ____ Advising ____
Sparring ____ Sparring ____ Sparring ____ Sparring ____
Being right ____ Being right ____ Being right ____ Being right ____
Derailing ____ Derailing ____ Derailing ____ Derailing ____
Placating ____ Placating ____ Placating ____ Placating ____

Within your learning group, consider the following:

 Was it easier for you to identify the blocks in others rather than yourself? What reasons
can you offer for your response?

 Are these blocks "bad behaviours" or are they just overdeveloped aspects of useful
skills that may be used excessively or inappropriately? For example, is dreaming an

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extreme behaviour for imagination and creativity? Is rehearsing an overdeveloped form

of preparation? Is filtering an inappropriate form of focusing?

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ATTENDING and FOLLOWING

Our nonverbal behaviour plays an important role in conveying that we are listening. Your
textbook reading on this topic (“Nonverbal Messages”) covers a variety of ways that we
can show others that we are attending and following what they say. The following
information provides some general guidelines on nonverbal behaviour you can use to
demonstrate you are listening.

Types of Nonverbal Attending Skills

(Use the acronym SOLER + GPA to help you remember)

Posture: A posture of involvement is a very important component of effective listening.

The listener should face the other person Squarely (allows listener to be at eye level with
speaker and demonstrates involvement); maintain an Open position (arms and legs
uncrossed), and they should Lean slightly forward (to communicate energy and attention).

Eye contact and Gaze: Maintaining eye contact with the speaker serves the dual purpose
of demonstrating interest and allowing the listener to collect facial information. The
listener should gaze at the speaker for most of the interaction, but may break eye contact
and look away when they are thinking.
Relaxed Facial expression: Listener should have a friendly and Relaxed facial
expression. The listener should adjust their facial expression to reflect what the other
person is saying.
Gestures: The head nod is one of the most important gestures in listening and is used to
indicate attention and interest
Small head nods – show continual attention
Larger nods – indicate agreement
Proximity: Listener should not be positioned too close or too far away from the speaker.
Degree of physical proximity that is considered appropriate depends on your relationship
to the other person and may vary for different cultures. Usual distance for personal
relationships is less than 1m and between 1.2m and 2m for social relationships.
Avoid distractions: Actively move away from distractions so that the other person has
your full attention.

Demonstrating good attending skills takes practice. In your learning group you will
have the opportunity to demonstrate and observe poor and good attending skills. Use the
Observer’s Sheet on the next page to record your observations. This also provides you with
a good summary of factors to focus on during your skills practice in your learning group
meeting.

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Attending skills: Observer’s Sheet

Nonverbal attending skills Observation of poor Observation of good

attending skills attending skills

Posture S
O
L

Eye contact and gaze E

Relaxed facial expression R

Gestures G

Proximity P

Avoid distractions A

Rate the listener’s use of nonverbal attending skills on the table provided in relation to the
following:
Frequency of use: Note the approximate frequency with which the skills were used.

Features of skill: Make observations about the features that characterised how the listener
used each skill, e.g., eye contact- listener looked mainly at the floor.

Effect on interaction: Observe how the use of each nonverbal attending skill influenced
the interaction, e.g., proximity- when the listener sat too close to the speaker, the
speaker stopped talking for a few seconds.

We have begun our active listening approach by focusing on how we attend to the sender
of a message. As well as attending, being in the 2nd position requires that the receiver of
the message is following the sender closely. The section below outlines the skills involved
with following. However, it is important to remember that the skills in receiving
information are additive; many of the skills build on from each other, and do not
necessarily stand alone. Thus, when following you need to also be aware of your attending
skills.

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Learning Group Activity 2: Is this person following?

The purpose of this activity is to recognise and identify aspects of following behaviour.
Individually, take a moment to read the following scenario:

Alexander had just been involved in a car accident and was calling his
friend, Oliver, over the telephone to let him know about the accident.
"How bad is the car?" was Oliver's first question, to which he quickly
added, "Whose fault was it?" "How did it happen?" and "Have you
called the insurance company? Oh, and don't admit to anything!'" "Any
more questions?" Alexander asked. After a moment’s thought Oliver
replied "Um, no, no I think that covers the important stuff". "Oh great!"
Alexander yelled, "Just in case you’re wondering where I'm calling
from, I’m in hospital with a broken leg!"

Put yourself in the second position and look at things from Alexander's perspective. Write
some notes in response to the following questions:

 How do you think Alexander felt?

__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 How do you think Oliver felt?

__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 What did Oliver do as the receiver that may have contributed to how Alexander may
have been feeling?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 What did Alexander do as the sender that may have contributed to how Oliver may
have been feeling?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 How do you think the fact that this conversation took place over the telephone
impacted upon the interaction?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 What do you believe Oliver, as the receiver, could have done? Provide a rationale for
your suggestion.
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

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Take some time to discuss and compare your responses with your learning group, then read
the next section on following behaviour.

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Following Behaviour

A common mistake made by listeners is that instead of listening they lead the conversation,
asking too many questions and taking the speaker off track. However, the primary role of
the listener is to take the second position and focus on and encourage the speaker. A useful
set of skills to assist in “following” the speaker include: door openers, minimal
encouragers, open questions and empathic silences.

D Door openers: A door opener is an invitation to talk and suggests to the speaker
that you are ready and willing to listen. Elements of door openers may include a
description of the speaker’s body language, a verbal invitation, and/or attending behaviour.
For example, “You look upset Jose, would you like to talk about it?”

I Infrequent and open questions: The use of open questions at appropriate points
can facilitate a conversation and encourage the speaker to continue. Unfortunately,
questions are often used poorly and excessively. In order to encourage the speaker,
questions need to be open and infrequent.

M Minimal encouragers: Minimal encouragers do not imply agreement or

disagreement with the speaker. Rather, they let the speaker know that they have been
heard and that the listener is with them. Examples include, “hmm” “yeah” “oh” “right”
“mm hmm”.

E Empathic/attentive silence: Many listeners talk too much. Silence by the listener
gives the speaker time to think and allows the speaker to set the pace of the conversation,
while the listener follows. Often, however, people are uncomfortable with silence and
listeners may rush in to fill up the gap the silence creates. Alternatively, excessive silence
may indicate to the speaker that the listener is no longer following the conversation.

(Source: Bolton, 1979)

Learning Group Activity 3: Evaluating attending and following skills

In the tutorial we looked at attending and following skills. This activity is designed to
further develop your attending and following skills.

Consider the following extract of an employment interview.

Li: "OK, Jose, well the next thing I would like to discuss is the experience you've
gained from previous jobs - would you like to tell me a little about some of the
jobs you have had?" (Li looks up from her questions, making eye contact with
Jose)

Jose: "Yeah sure, um, I believe I've gained some really useful practical skills from my
most recent voluntary position." (Jose's speech is tentative. He is frowning)

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Li: "That sounds great, go on." (smiling, nodding)

Jose: "Well, I've been working with a group of young, long-term unemployed people."
(speaking clearly, making eye contact with Li)

Li: "Uh-huh" (nodding and smiling)

Jose: "The group is made up of young people from a real variety of backgrounds - but
um mm, the one thing that they have in common is their level of unhappiness and
feelings of hopelessness about their prospects of getting a job. Most of them have
never had a job. I was really determined to make a difference, I really wanted to
help these people." (leaning forward slightly, direct eye contact)

Li: "Yeah, I can't begin to imagine what it's like for them … it seems like you were
really keen to help them change their situation …I'd like to hear more about it."
(good eye contact, leaning forward)

As a learning group, identify the various attending and following skills demonstrated in the
above transcript. Use the information from the tutorial to help your group analyse the skills
demonstrated by the person in the role of receiving information (Li).

 Overall, how would you describe the listening strategy that Li used?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 From Jose's perspective, discuss the impact that you believe Li's attending and
following skills had on his behaviour.
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 From Jose's perspective, discuss the impact that you believe Li's attending and
following skills had on their relationship.
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 From Li's perspective, discuss the impact that you believe her attending and following
skills had on the type and quality of the information she received.
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

 Thinking in terms of the communication model, speculate about what noise and
context issues are involved in this interaction
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

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QUESTIONING
Three important skills involved in active understanding are reflecting the feelings that the
other person expresses in their communication, reflecting the content of the other person's
message, and asking questions. We discuss reflecting feeling and content in the next
section.

Questions constitute a critical component of verbal communication in interactions with

others. Depending on the way in which they are used, questions can either help or hinder
another in managing their problems. Questions can become problematic when the listener
uses them in an excessive manner to serve their own purposes, (i.e., to address the
listener’s own concerns or intent in the interaction). When used effectively, however,
questions can assist speakers to deal with their own problems, on their own terms. There
are a number of important factors to consider when using questions to expand your
understanding of the speaker's internal viewpoint:

1. Open versus closed questions. Open questions give speakers choice in how to respond
whereas closed questions restrict response options (i.e., closed questions usually evoke
yes/no type answers). Open questions are preferred because they give speakers the
opportunity to explore their thoughts and deal with their own agenda. Open questions
often begin with where, when, what, or how, whereas closed questions usually begin with a
verb.
e.g., Closed question: “Will you see him again?”
Open question: “How likely are you to see him again?”

2. Elaboration questions. Elaboration questions give the speaker the opportunity to

expand on what she or he has said.
“Do you want to talk about that?”
“What then?”

3. Questions for checking understanding. Checking questions are used when you are
unsure of what the speaker is trying to say.
“Can you explain what you mean by that?”
“When you said this before, what did you mean?”

4. Questions for getting specific detail. This type of question can be used when the
listener would like to request concrete information about the speaker's issue. The details
the listener requests should be essential to understanding the problem, not just to satisfy the
listener’s curiosity.
“When was the first time it happened?”
“What did you do when it happened before?”

5. Solution-focused questions. The listener can use solution-focused questions to guide

the speaker's thinking to a more problem solving emphasis.
“What are your options?”
“What do you think you might do?”

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The following table looks at the advantages and disadvantages of open and closed
questions in more detail.

Open questions Closed questions

Advantages  Useful in allowing respondent to  Easy to answer and therefore
or Benefits express opinions, thoughts, easy to get others involved in
feelings, attitudes and experiences interaction
 Don’t require prior knowledge by  Of particular value in fact-
questioner who can ask about finding encounters
topics with which s/he is  Concise responses make
unfamiliar recording and comparison of
 Leaves questioner free to listen several individuals’ responses
and observe easier
 Respondent may reveal  Questions can be prepared in
information which questioner advance to structure
hadn’t anticipated interactions as answers can
usually be estimated
 Preferred mode where time is
limited and diagnosis has to be
made or information gathered
 Keeps respondent on topic
Disadvantage  Questioner has to pay attention to  Important information may be
s or Costs what is being said in order to missed
indicate interest and attentiveness  Inaccurate information may be
to respondent in order to gathered
encourage disclosure  Can be stressful for
 May not be appropriate where respondent, especially when
time is limited or with over- respondent is aware that the
talkative clients person asking questions
 Answers to open questions may already knows the correct
be time consuming and may answers
contain irrelevant or less vital  Rapid firing of several closed
information questions can be stressful for
 May not be appropriate with respondent
individuals of low intellectual  Frustrating for respondents
ability who wish to express their
thoughts, feelings,
experiences, attitudes and
opinions

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Learning group Activity 4: Asking Questions

Read the following statement and provide an example of each type of question. The
statement involves one partner in a relationship talking about their financial problems with
a close friend:
“I just don’t know what to do any more. We seem to be slipping further and
further into debt.”

In response to this statement how would you:

1. Prompt the person to explore their thoughts about the issue further using an open-ended
question?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

2. Ask for specific detail about the issue?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

3. Ask the speaker to elaborate on the statement?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

4. Focus on possible ways of dealing with the problem?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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Learning Group Activity 5: Exploring your experiences with questions

Take a moment to recall and explore some of your own experiences with questions in the
past. Perhaps you had a friend or parent who used questions in a certain manner that
resulted in you feeling a particular way. In the space below write about some situations
where you have had positive and negative experiences with questions. Include your
feelings and thoughts about those experiences.

One negative experience with questions was in the following situation:

My thoughts and feelings associated with this experience were:

One positive experience with questions was in the following situation:

My thoughts and feelings associated with this experience were:

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Some people respond to this exercise by describing situations in which they were 'put on
the spot' and 'grilled' by someone else - they may associate questions with anger and guilt.
However, others describe situations where they felt that the listener was extremely
interested in the topic they were discussing. As mentioned in the earlier section on
following skills, when used appropriately questions may help facilitate a conversation. The
notes that follow briefly outline some of the problems associated with asking questions.

Problems associated with questions

Questions can have immense value in interactions. However we need to be aware of their
potential problems. Potential problems with questions may include:

1. Bombardment/grilling: Too many questions one after the other could make the
sender of the message feel defensive and give the person in the role of receiving the
message control over the interaction.

2. Multiple questions: It can be very confusing for the speaker if the listener asks
several questions at the same time. The speaker may not be sure which question to
reply to.

3. Questions as statements: Listeners sometimes use questions that are in effect

providing their own point of view. For example, "Don't you think that …” A useful
rule of thumb is that if you want to make a statement, then make a statement, rather
than frame it as a question.

4. Questions and cultural differences: Although questions are a part of western

cultures, in non-western cultures, questioning may be viewed as rude and intrusive.

5. ‘Why’ questions: Most of us experience some form of the 'Why did you do that?'
question as children. ‘Why’ questions can put the speaker on the defensive and
cause discomfort. However, reframing ‘why’ questions as ‘what’ questions (e.g.
what explanation/reasons would you offer…) may be more effective for helping the
speaker understand the reasons for their own and other individuals’ behaviour etc.

6. Questions and control: The person who asks the questions is usually in control of
the interaction. They determine who talks about what, when the talk will occur and
under what conditions.

7. Sequencing of questions: Appropriate sequencing of open and closed questions

facilitates participation and understanding during an interaction. For example, an
interaction may begin with open questions then move gradually to closed questions.
However using an erratic sequence of open and closed questions may be confusing
and may lead to the sender reducing their level of involvement.

Source: Adapted from Hargie et al. (1994); and Ivey & Ivey (2007)

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REFLECTING SKILLS
Reflecting skills are used to communicate your understanding of the other person’s
situation from their viewpoint. Nelson-Jones (1996) describes active understanding as
identifying the meaning contained in the verbal and nonverbal messages of the other
person, and reflecting this back with your own verbal and nonverbal behaviour.

Enhancing Empathic Responding Skills by Reflecting Feelings

Reflecting feelings involves responding to the other person’s emotion and subjective
experience, not just their words. This component of effective listening gives the other
person the opportunity to listen more deeply to their own feelings. There are two areas of
focus when reflecting feelings:

1. Feeling words and phrases. Reflect on feelings rather than thoughts. For example, “I
feel that the present government is hopeless” is a thought rather than a feeling, whereas “I
feel anxious because the present government is hopeless” is a feeling. Comment on the
strength of feelings, for example, strong, moderate or weak and the existence of multiple or
mixed feelings, for example pleased but worried.

2. Verbal and nonverbal messages. The other person’s verbal and nonverbal messages
can often be inconsistent. As a listener, you can try to reflect back the mixed message.
For example, “On the one hand you're saying you're happy with the result but on the other
hand, you're looking kind of down and dejected.”

Skills involved in reflecting feelings:

(a) Focus on the other person’s main feelings. There may be a number of
feelings in the other person’s message. Others are more likely to feel heard if you reflect
on their main feelings. Try to reflect the intensity of the feeling as well. Refer back to the
list of emotions that were discussed in the tutorial.

(b) Statements should be simple. Use simple words and phrases.

(c) Use effective verbal and nonverbal messages. An effective listener

should try to do more than just talk about feelings when they are reflecting. They should
make an attempt to reflect the feelings to a degree in their own verbal and nonverbal
messages.

(d) Reflect feelings and reasons if appropriate. In some instances, it may be

appropriate to reflect on the reasons that the other person offers for their feelings.

(e) Check your understanding. It's important to assess the accuracy of your
reflecting so that you can make sure you share with the other person their view of the
situation. Sometimes checking may involve waiting for the other person’s response to
your reflecting statement (e.g., “Yes that’s right” or “Not really, I see it more like…”). In
other interactions, you may need to check more directly by asking (e.g., “Do I have it
right?” or “Have I understood you properly?”).

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Learning group Activity 6: Reflection of Feelings Activity

Working on your own, identify the feeling words and phrases in each of the following
statements and use them to reflect how the speaker feels.

 “I find her so irritating. She always tries to be the centre of attention, and she makes
out that she’s better than everyone else.”

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

 “Not getting that promotion was very difficult for me. I really wanted it and I thought I
really deserved it. It's hard not to be resentful.”

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

 “I’ve found it difficult being away from my family and friends since taking this job.
There’s not really anyone around I can talk to.”

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

 “This isn't working for me! For the third time in a row we have started our meetings
30 minutes late. We agreed to be punctual. It was in our group contract!”

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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Enhancing Responding Skills by Reflecting Content

As a listener, you paraphrase what another person has said by making a statement about the
content of their message, but framed in your own words. There are four features of
effective paraphrasing:

1. Be concise. Try to be as succinct as possible so that the other person can maintain their
train of thought.

2. Only essential details. An effective listener should develop a sense of what is essential
in the other person’s message and disregard clutter. Paraphrases should focus on central
detail only- be specific about that detail.

3. Be concrete. Comment on the content of what the other person is saying, for example,
facts and ideas, rather than the emotions the other person may be expressing.

4. Use your own words. Attempt to look at the situation from the other person’s
perspective and paraphrase using your own words.

If you have paraphrased effectively, the other person will usually acknowledge this by
saying something along the lines of “yes” or “that's exactly right”. If the statement was
off track, the other person will usually try to correct what you have misunderstood. This is
also functional because it provides the other person with the opportunity to overtly clarify
their thoughts. Much practice is required to become confident and fluent in paraphrasing.

Examples of paraphrasing:

Husband to wife
Wife: “It scares me that I may not have this job for much longer and what a big
difference to our lives that will make”
Husband: “You’re worried about how we’ll cope financially if you lose your job.”
Person A to Person B
Person B: “You know, I’m just not sure about my relationship with Mike. I think
that we don’t talk about things as much as we did in the past.”
Person A: “So you’re having doubts about your relationship because you’re not
communicating as well as you used to.”

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Learning Group Activity 7: Reflection of Content/Paraphrasing Exercise

Take turns in role-playing the scenarios and providing empathic responses that reflect both
feeling and content. You may like to use the responses you have composed during the
inclass activity, or you may prefer to come up with some "on the spot" responses.

"I have now got all the course outlines for the courses I'm enrolled in this trimester. I can
tell you - I'm a little blown away by the workload. I had no idea that we would be expected
to read quite so much!"
"Well I'm not sure what to say. Um, I must say that I'm pretty nervous about joining this
group. It's been such a long time since I went to school that I don't think I know what is
expected of students anymore. You all seem younger than me - but I really hope I can
contribute something worthwhile to the group".

"I am so pleased that I began the TAFE course last year after I had finished school. You
know, when I was in year 12, I really wasn't so sure about the career I wanted. The year at
TAFE has helped me to realise that working with kids is definitely what I want to do."

"I'm in a panic! I don't know what to do - I've totally forgotten that our assignment was due
in today. What's worse is that I haven't finished it - I don't know what's wrong with me -
how could I forget something like that!"

"I can't believe it - you know that job I went for the other day - the one in the city? I felt
that the interview went pretty well - and guess what - it must have because I’m starting
there full time next Monday!"

When you have completed the role-plays, discuss the following:

 How natural were your responses in the role-plays? Ask others if these responses sound
like you.

 Did you use "prepared" or "on the spot" responses? Why?

 Do you find it easier to reflect feeling or content? Why do you think this is so?

 Do you feel that practice would enhance your ability to accurately reflect feeling and
content?

 How can you continue to practice empathic responses when you listen to others?

You may have found that some of these reflective responses felt ‘fake’ or stilted, and you
might feel concerned about how effectively you could communicate in this way, or how
comfortable you would feel. This skill becomes easier with practice, so try to use some
“real life” scenarios with your learning group.

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Attending & Following skills: Observer’s Sheet

Attending Skills Observation of poor skills Observation of good skills

Posture S

Eye contact and gaze E

Relaxed facial expression R

Gestures G

Proximity P

Avoid distractions A

Following Skills Observation of poor skills Observation of good skills

Door openers D

Infrequent and open

questions I

Minimal encouragers M

Empathic silence E

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Module 2
Sending Information
Activities

MODULE 2 - SENDING INFORMATION: AN OVERVIEW

The focus of this module is on the role of the "sender" or “source”. You will recall that
communication is not a linear process, where a message is sent and then received. Rather,
a communicator is both sender and receiver at the same time. However, for
simplification, we will look at these roles individually, and for now, concentrate on the
"sender" in the communication process. When we send information to another person we
are usually in the 1st position.

When you are in the 1st position you see, hear, and feel the situation through your
own eyes, ears, and emotions. You think about what is important to you and what you
want to achieve. You are likely to use terms such as "I see", "I hear", "I want" and "I feel".
The "I" refers to you personally. In this position you are experiencing the situation as you
in your own shoes. 1st position is useful when you want to stand up for yourself and see
and hear things from your own perspective. This can be done without dismissing other
people's feelings and ideas. 1st position is a useful position to adopt when setting outcomes
for yourself and when you want to get in touch with your own feelings. It is from this
position that you can ask yourself "What do I really want?" and provide another person
with that information.

1st person skills are the skills for conveying or expressing information to others
without threat, blame or demand. Dick (1986) points out that both the information itself
(the content or verbal message) and the way it is conveyed (the process or delivery of the
message) are important. The content is needed for understanding and potentially problem
solving. The process communicates to the other person your attitudes towards them and
your relationship with them. 1st person skills include basic information giving skills,
discernment skills, and assertion and escalation skills for dealing with problems where
one's own needs have been overlooked.

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Overall aim: The aim of this module is to develop your ability, as a sender in the
communication process, to effectively provide information to others. This includes, in
particular, information for problem-solving, as well as self-disclosure.

Some more specific outcomes include:

 Being able to take the 1st position to help others better understand the information you
are communicating

 Developing skills of discernment for reading the context when deciding whether to
send information to others

 Developing awareness of appropriate self-disclosure

 Understanding and recognising the difference between assertive, aggressive and

passive behaviours

 Developing skills to construct the content of a direct assertive message

 Being able to identify and express your feelings and emotions to others

 Being able to recognise that information may be transmitted verbally and nonverbally
and to understand the importance of communicating congruently in both channels

 Developing skills in checking that others have understood the message you have sent
them as you intended

 Developing skills in escalation as an extension to assertive behaviour

 Recognising that your choice of behaviour when sending information will depend
heavily on the context in which you are communicating.

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WHAT TO DISCLOSE, WHEN TO DISCLOSE AND HOW TO DISCLOSE IT

You may have identified already that many contextual factors need to be considered when
determining whether "what you say" and "how you say it" is appropriate or not. Both
verbal and nonverbal expression impact upon your message and the type of situation also
needs to be considered when choosing how to express yourself. With so many factors to
consider how do you decide what to disclose, when to disclose it, and how to put your
message across? The following text box offers some advice in relation to your decisions
regarding appropriate disclosure in interpersonal situations. You can also refer to the
reading on Disclosure in your textbook for additional information to consider.

DISCLOSURE

Egan (2007) suggests that one of the basic factors in social intelligence is the ability to see
what is called for in any given instance. In other words, you need to assess the context,
and decide what to disclose and how to disclose it at a given point in time. This may be
referred to as discernment, which means to perceive, recognise, distinguish, discriminate,
and judge the appropriate information to disclose at a particular time. Appropriate
disclosure lies somewhere between under-disclosing (providing too little information) and
over-disclosing (providing too much information, too intimately). It is also a social skill
that many people find difficult to learn. Discernment is the first and most important step
toward appropriate disclosure. In other words, it is necessary to discern the appropriateness
of a message before sending it. As such, several researchers have developed guidelines to
consider before and when disclosing information.

Review the chapter on Disclosure in your textbook and keep in mind the characteristics of
self-disclosure as you proceed with the following activities. The characteristics are listed
below as a reminder:

1. Self-disclosure usually occurs in small increments

2. Self-disclosure moves from less personal to more personal information
3. Self-disclosure is reciprocal
4. Self-disclosure involves risk
5. Self-disclosure involves trust
6. There is a relationship between self-disclosure over time and intimacy
7. Self-disclosure reflects perceptions about the nature of your relationships

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Learning group Activity 8: Expressing thoughts and feelings

Often, we find it easy to express particular thoughts or feelings to one person, yet the same
information can be difficult to talk about with a different person. The aim of this exercise
is to help you to identify the thoughts and feelings that you find easy and difficult to
express in your relationships with others. Working on your own, make a list of the topics
that you find easy or difficult to disclose to each person, using the list below as a guide.

 Favourite hobby/interest  Health problems  Career goals

 Your financial situation  How important is religion  Politics
 A serious lie you have  Other ethnic groups  Favourite food
told
 A problem in your  Asking for help  Your achievements
relationship with that
person

PARENT SIBLING PARTNER/FRIEND

Easy Difficult Easy Difficult Easy Difficult

_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Now for each target person first make a list of the feelings that you find easy and difficult
to disclose to them, using the list below as a guide.
 Happiness  Fear  Love
 Enthusiasm  Sadness  Anger
 Guilt  Disappointment  Excitement
 Confusion  Interest  Humiliation

PARENT SIBLING PARTNER/FRIEND

Easy Difficult Easy Difficult Easy Difficult

_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Egan’s (1976) Criteria Regarding Discernment for Disclosure

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1. Goal-directedness: You need to know why you are disclosing. Disclosure should not be
made for its own sake. For example, if, in your learning group, you are attempting to establish
and develop relationships, your disclosure needs to be in keeping with this goal.

2. An eye to proportion: The depth (intimacy) and breadth (amount) needs to be

proportioned to your goal. For example, to establish a close, ongoing, mutual relationship your
disclosure would be quite intimate and extensive. However, in your group, although your goal
may be to establish and develop relationships of some closeness, many of your fellow group
members will not be your intimates. It is up to each of you to determine how much you wish
to disclose. It is difficult to set down rules about suitable depth and breadth of disclosure but
consideration of the rest of the criteria might help with your decision.
3. Respect and caring: It is difficult to disclose to people you do not care about or respect.
When there is basic respect and caring, disclosure becomes a means of developing and
improving your relationship with the other person. All of us have various interpersonal
prejudices – do not let them get the best of you. Work at respecting each of your group
members and allow your disclosure to be a sign of that respect.

4. Ongoing quality of the relationship: Disclosure is appropriate when it is not a random

act, rather there is some continuity of association with the other person. Of course, the breadth
and depth of disclosure will vary between time-limited and permanent relationships. This does
not mean that your disclosure in a time-limited group will be superficial. In fact, it may be
more comfortable to disclose at a deeper level with a supportive, trusting, mutual caring group
than it is in everyday life where these conditions do not occur. You can allow what happens in
the group to prepare you for disclosing outside the group.

5. Mutuality: If you disclose to others, they tend to reciprocate. If mutuality does not
develop, you may decide that further disclosure is inappropriate. Your group experience will
probably be more successful when characterised by mutual, freely given disclosure.

6. Timing: Disclosure as emergent: Disclosure needs to emerge from and relate to what is
happening in the group – there does not need to be a certain “disclosure” time. You may wish
to disclose at a time when you think the group is not progressing well. For example, if there is
no significant discussion you may choose that time to report your process observation that “we
seem to be having a hard time discussing this exercise…”

7. The here and now: Disclosure needs to, in some way, be related to the here and now.
This does not mean that you should not talk about past experiences or things that are happening
outside the group. However, it is preferable if such disclosures relate in some way to what is
happening in the group.

8. Gradual disclosure: Try not to overwhelm each other with your disclosure. Although
your group development may have been somewhat accelerated, compared to outside
relationships, the process is still relatively gradual. Disclosure needs to be supported by the
level of trust in the group. Even though it is likely to be gradual, don’t let this be an excuse for
not offering a reasonable level of disclosure.

9. Reasonable risk: In the same ways that trust enables you to risk yourself, taking
reasonable risks creates a climate of trust. Disclosure will assist others in trusting you, as their
disclosure will build your level of trust.

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10. Impact: Read the group and try to assess what impact your disclosure will have. Too
much too soon may reduce disclosure in others. Overdisclosure in the early stages may also
result in a lack of disclosure from other group members throughout the life of the group.

11. Shared context: Disclosure is appropriate when the members involved in giving and
receiving the disclosures are working at the same problem. As you are gathered together for
the same general purpose, and share at least a few common goals, you may have the kind of
shared context that promotes disclosure.

12. Response as a sign of reception and validation: Some indication that a person’s
disclosure has been heard is the most productive immediate response to that disclosure.
Disclosure demands, and deserves, some form of response. If a person’s disclosure is not
responded to, it decreases the chance of engaging in disclosure again.

13. A balanced picture: Disclosure that is merely the “confession” of weaknesses is

inappropriate. Working in your learning group is a great opportunity for exploring your
interpersonal strengths and resources, not just a time for exploring weaknesses.

Learning Group Activity 9: Appropriate self-disclosure

Listed below are some discussion questions for your learning group to use to explore what
is appropriate in relation to self-disclosure.

Question 1. Describe a relationship in which someone disclosed too much too soon. How
did you respond? How did the disclosure affect the relationship?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Question 2. Is it ever in the best interest of an intimate relationship to withhold feelings

permanently? Temporarily? Why or why not?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Question 3. What type of information would you withhold from a close friend or partner?
Why?

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_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Above we mentioned the importance of context, content and process when sending
information to another person. You will remember that the context includes such things as
the situation or environment you are in or the type of relationship involved. We have
already looked at discernment as the first step in sending information and considered
several guidelines and criteria for assessing the appropriateness of disclosure in a given
context. Let's now move on to examining the content of a message (that is, what you
actually say) and in particular, look at framing some direct assertive messages. Try to keep
in mind that both process (that is, how you say it) and context are connected and must also
be considered when framing the content of your message. In other words, to send effective
messages, you need to consider the context, content and process simultaneously.

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SENDING MESSAGES
ASSERTION
Your textbook includes a reading on assertive behaviour, outlining passive, assertive and
aggressive behaviour and when these types of communication may be appropriate. In the
literature, “passive” and “submissive” are two terms that are used interchangeably. The
following table provides a summary of the three types of messages.

Passive, assertive and aggressive messages

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Goals To appease others and To give and receive To dominate and
avoid conflict at any respect, to be fair, win
cost and to compromise

Rights/needs Violates one’s own Standing up for Directly standing

rights by failing to personal rights and up for personal
express oneself, lack needs in a way which rights and needs in
of respect for one’s recognises and a way that violates
own needs respects another the rights and needs
person’s rights and of the other person
needs
Emotions Internalise feelings Aware of feelings Tension turned
and tensions, fear, and deals with them, outward, anger,
anxiety, guilt, tension managed rage, hate, hostility
depression, constructively
nervousness
Nonverbals “Shrinking” “Appropriate” “Big” nonverbals,
nonverbals, moving nonverbals, “in your face”,
away, downcast eyes, comfortable distance, glaring eyes,
shifting of weight, good eye contact, leaning forward,
whining, hesitant standing comfortably loud raised tone of
voice, wringing of on two feet, strong voice, pointing
hands steady tone of voice, finger
hands loosely at
sides
Verbals Maybe, I guess, I I think, I feel, why You’d better,
wonder, don’t you don’t we, what do should, ought,
think, um, uh, don’t you think, how do you’re kidding, and
bother, it doesn’t you feel using sexist or
really matter racist terms

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Learning Group Activity 10: Are these passive, assertive or aggressive

responses?
Read the situations below and indicate whether the responses are assertive, aggressive or
passive.

Situation/context Verbal response Response type

A learning group meeting is When asked about the time you
being established. The time say:
is convenient for other
people but not for you. The “Well I guess it’s O.K. I’m not
times that are set will make going to be able to attend very
it next to impossible for you much but it fits everyone else’s
to attend regularly. schedule.”

Each night your flatmate You say:

consistently slams the “Please don’t slam the doors-
bathroom and bedroom it’s annoying to hear that late in
doors, either keeping you the night. It wakes me up and I
awake or even if you’re not can’t get back to sleep.”
sleeping, annoying you.

You are having trouble You say:

writing an assignment and “I really must be dumb but I
don’t know exactly what don’t know where to begin on
further information you this paper.”
need.

You’re walking to the You respond:

photocopy machine when a “I’m going to the movies…
fellow student, who always Where does it look like I’m
asks you to do his copying, going?”
asks you where you’re
going.

At a meeting one person You say:

often interrupts you when “Excuse me. I would like to
you’re speaking. finish my statement.”

Your flatmate is about to You say:

leave for work and tells you “You’ve got a nerve committing
that a friend of hers needs a me without asking first! There’s
ride that afternoon and she no way I’m going to the airport
has volunteered your today. Let him take a cab like
services. everybody else does.”

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Learning Group Activity 11: Formulating passive, assertive and aggressive

messages

For each of the scenarios below formulate a passive, an assertive and an aggressive
response. Then compare your responses with those of other members of your learning
group. As a group, practice taking turns making your assertive statements and think about
the appropriate nonverbal behaviour for the message.

Scenario 1: You’re dining in one of your favourite restaurants with a friend and your meal
arrives. You suspect that the chicken is undercooked. You would like to bring this to the
staff member’s attention.

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Scenario 2: Your car has been in the garage for maintenance work. When you go to pick
the car up you find that you have been charged $70 more than the amount you were quoted
before the work was done. You decide to bring this up with the mechanic.

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Scenario 3: A friend changed her mind at the last moment about going to a concert with
you and you have already purchased the tickets and moved your schedule around to suit
her.

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________

Scenario 4: Your partner has decided to accept an offer to work overtime on Friday
evening even though he knew you had already organised for a number of friends to come
over for dinner that night.

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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CONSTRUCTING THE CONTENT OF A DIRECT MESSAGE

Let's assume that you have identified a context (maybe with a friend, boss, or a stranger) in
which you consider it appropriate to send an assertive message. What do you need to say
in order to increase the chances of your message being received accurately? What words
should you use?

The next section of the module will focus on factors that help speakers send accurate and
appropriate messages. We will cover specific content skills such as sending direct
messages by being specific and concrete in what you say and revisit taking responsibility
by using "I" messages. We will also consider the issue of requesting a change in the
behaviour of others.

Let's begin by having a look at the difference between direct and indirect messages. The
following activity is designed to help you understand the difference between these two
types of messages.

Learning Group Activity 12: Direct and indirect messages

Do you consider the following statements to be direct statements or indirect hints? Mark a
'D' or an 'I' in the space at the start of each statement to indicate whether you think it is
direct or indirect.

____ "When you smoke in the house I get angry and pay more attention to the smoke
than to what you’re saying."

____ "I was really glad that you did the dishes."

____ "I can't stand it when people push in like that!"

____ "I told him not to drive my car but he just couldn't help himself, could he?"

____ "Is she finished with the salt?"

____ "I feel left out when you tell me I can't go with you."

Discuss your answers and the rationales for your answers with your learning group
members. Compare direct and indirect statements (such as the ones listed above) and
discuss the following questions:

 What is different about the content of direct compared with indirect statements?

_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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 Can you identify the two or three critical aspects that are included within direct
statements that help to make the sender's message concrete and specific?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Consider your response to these questions with the information provided in the following
text box. You may be interested in exploring the issues further by accessing, reading and
critically evaluating literature such as that cited in the text box.

SENDING DIRECT MESSAGES: BEING SPECIFIC AND CONCRETE

IN WHAT YOU SAY

Westra (1996) defined directness as the ability to come straight to the point and suggests
that people who speak directly tend to let others know exactly what they have in mind,
with a minimum of 'beating around the bush.’ Being specific and concrete means that the
sender is explicit and definite about what is being said through the use of tangible,
observable and measurable terms. Specific and concrete information is important
because it helps increase the clarity of your message. Concrete and specific terms are also
more likely to convey your observations rather than interpretations. Whilst the use of
interpretations is not problematic in itself, when they are stated as facts rather than
hypotheses, they do become problematic. For example, imagine saying to someone, “You
look happy today.” Is this an observation or interpretation? Although it starts off with
“look”, which is an observational term, the word 'happy' is actually an interpretation, with
very little specific information. Indeed, we need to remember that we are not experts on
how other people are feeling or thinking.

Also, given the ambiguity of nonverbal behaviour and the impact of contextual factors, it is
best not to make assumptions or jump into interpretation without checking out the meaning
of what we have observed. Thus, in the previous example, it may be more appropriate to
say something along the lines of … 'You're smiling a lot today. Are you feeling happy?'

Sending direct messages is particularly useful when you wish to inform another person
about the effects of their behaviour. As the sender, specifically and concretely express the
material consequences of the other person's behaviour for you. Material consequences may
include what you are prevented from doing or feel obliged to do, as well as how you think
or feel. For example, imagine the situation where you are studying for an exam and your
flatmate is playing music very loudly. You might say, "When you play your music loudly I
find it difficult to concentrate on my work".

In this message you have addressed the other person's behaviour in specific and concrete
terms (playing music loudly) and you have not made any interpretations or judgements
about why they are doing so. You have also specifically and concretely expressed how
their behaviour is affecting you (you are unable to concentrate on your work) without
criticising them, making demands or blaming them.

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Learning Group Activity 13: Expressing “I” Messages

“I” messages can be broken down into various components. Refer to the section in your
textbook regarding “I” messages and the activity in the online modules.
You will have completed the first part of the task on your own in the online modules.
You should then work with your learning group for the second part.

In the online modules you were asked to formulate a 2 part ‘I’ message, then formulate a 3
part ‘I’ message, and finally a 4 part ‘I’ message for each of the following scenarios.
You have been in a relationship with your partner for three months. Over the past month,
you have seen your partner on most days and you have both enjoyed spending more time
together. A couple of days ago, you approached your partner about planning an overseas
trip together. You noticed that your partner avoided giving you a direct response and has
not encouraged any conversation about the issue since. You have become concerned about
the issue and have decided to approach your partner by making an “I” statement.

You have recently moved interstate to be with your partner who was transferred because of
their job. You have tried to maintain regular contact with friends and family at home but
this has been difficult because you have been so busy settling into your new house and
finding work yourself. You haven't had the opportunity to meet people and make friends
yet. Although you care deeply for your partner, you are feeling very lonely and isolated
and you are beginning to wonder whether you made the right decision. You discuss your
concerns with your partner:

You have been offered a promotion in which you will be required to make presentations to
department heads on a regular basis. You have never been confident about public speaking
and you have had some bad experiences in the past when you were required to make
presentations at university. You are considering not taking the position to avoid this
component of the job but you recognise that this is a cop out and not in your best career
interests. You try to explain your concern about the situation to a close friend by making
an “I” statement.

Remember that statements can sound different to what we expected when we say them
aloud rather than read them in our heads. Once you have formulated your responses,
practise saying them in your learning group as part of a role play. Discuss the following
questions with your learning group:

1. Which components of the “I” statement do you think are most important?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

2. How much do you think this importance varies depending on the type of issue?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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CONGRUENCE BETWEEN VERBAL AND NONVERBAL MESSAGES

In the course so far we have looked separately at both the content and process elements of
sending messages.

The content of your message is what you actually say or the words you use. We have
looked at constructing direct assertive messages using "I" messages that were specific and
concrete without using loaded words. The content of your message may have also included
the verbal expression of feelings or emotions. The process on the other hand is how you
choose to deliver your message.

Let's now move on to combining both the content and process of a message and examine
the importance of sending congruent verbal and nonverbal messages. To effectively send
information to others we need to communicate our information clearly and congruently
using both verbal and nonverbal channels.

Messages are communicated through verbal and nonverbal processes. It must be

emphasised that congruency is needed between your verbal and nonverbal processes to
ensure clear and effective communication. For instance, if you wish to communicate
warmth to someone, then your words, your facial expressions, your voice tone and posture
must all express warmth. As we identified in the tutorial on nonverbal communication,
nonverbal processes are a powerful way to communicate messages. However nonverbal
messages can be more ambiguous than verbal messages and are sometimes very difficult to
interpret accurately. If your verbal and nonverbal messages are incongruent then the
receiver will become confused and may be unsure as to which message is genuine. Indeed,
research suggests that in such instances we tend to pay more attention to the nonverbal
channel of information than the verbal channel in interpreting the messages people send.

Many communication difficulties arise in relationships when people send incongruent

messages by expressing one kind of message verbally and another nonverbally. Consider a
situation where someone is verbally claiming that there is nothing wrong with them.
However, their nonverbal messages (such as frowning, silence, crossed arms) suggest that
the person is upset or annoyed. The receiver of this message would be unsure which
component of the message to believe. Do they listen to what the sender is actually saying
or do they focus on the sender's process? If the receiver is to understand and believe that
the message you are expressing is real and genuine, then you need to ensure that your
verbal and nonverbal processes are congruent and therefore sending the same messages.
Source: DeVito (2013), Johnson (1997).

Learning Group Activity 14: Sending congruent messages

The purpose of this activity is to practice assertively expressing your feelings using
congruent verbal and nonverbal messages. In your learning group take turns in role-playing
the scenarios that appear below (or choose your own scenarios). Ensure that all members
of your group have the opportunity of being the sender and expressing their feelings.
Remember the skills you learnt earlier in the module and in tutorials in constructing the
content of your message.

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Roles: One member needs to adopt the role of the sender or the expresser of the emotion,
whilst another fills the role of the receiver. The remaining group members can take on the
roles of observers and feedback providers. When observing the role-plays, carefully
observe the sender's verbal and nonverbal messages for congruency. An observation and
feedback sheet has been provided to prompt you on some of the key skills that the sender
can be expected to display (additional copies can be found in the appendix for use during
practice in learning group meetings). Please keep in mind the guidelines for giving
feedback that were previously provided.

Scenarios:

1. You have become bored with the discussion occurring in your learning group.
Express your feelings to the group.

2. You are excited to find out that a colleague of yours at work has just been given a
long overdue promotion. Express your feelings to them.

3. An acquaintance has accidently said or done something to really hurt your feelings
deeply. Express your feelings to them.

4. Recently while at a party you were annoyed to hear a close friend of yours
discussing your personal business with another person. Express your feelings to
your friend.

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Sending Congruent Messages Feedback Sheet

=============================================================
1. Did the sender's message demonstrate consideration of contextual issues?

2. Was the message framed and delivered using assertive verbal and nonverbal
behaviour? Describe.

3. Was the message content direct, specific and concrete? Did the sender use an "I"
message? Did the message avoid blame, demand, or criticism of the receiver?
Describe.

4. Did the sender manage their arousal levels and express their emotions verbally and
nonverbally? Describe.

5. Was the sender's message conveyed with congruent verbals and nonverbals? How?

6. Comment on some specific positive aspects of the interaction:

7. Additional comments:

Note: please provide feedback for the sender that is specific and observable,
supportive and non-judgemental

Ok - now you are aware of the need to be direct by sending specific and concrete
statements, as well as the need to ensure that your verbal and nonverbal messages are
congruent. Take some time to consider the following question:

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Is it appropriate and effective to request another person to change their behaviour when
you are expressing yourself?

For example, consider adding the request, "So please don't smoke in here." to an earlier
example we provided. The message now becomes "When you smoke in the office, I get
angry and pay more attention to the smoke than to what you are saying. So please don't
smoke in here." Do you think it would be appropriate or effective to add such a request?
Discuss your answer to this question, and explore the pros and cons of including or
excluding such a request, with your learning group. Now compare your responses with the
information offered in the following text box.

REQUESTS FOR A CHANGE IN THE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS

In addition to the other elements of direct messages identified earlier, some writers (e.g.,
Westra, 1996) advocate that, where necessary, a request for a specific behaviour change be
made. These authors suggest that when it is necessary to make such requests they should
be made in concrete and measurable terms. Furthermore, it is important that your request
relate to the other person's behaviour rather than something that they have little or no
control over (e.g., a personality characteristic, the shape of their nose, or their gender).
Finally, it is important to realise that you need to request but not demand a change from the
other person. This mood can be set by beginning the statement with, “I just want you to
know how I feel about … because it’s important to me. For example, you could say “I’d
like you to smoke outside because it’s harmful to my health.” or “I’d prefer it if you would
do the dishes in the evening because the cockroaches crawl all over them if they’re left
overnight”. However, other authors (e.g., Dick, 1986) suggest that requests, no matter how
politely they are framed, are demands that are most likely to arouse one of two opposing
defensive tendencies in the receiver, that is, resistance or obedience. Indeed, Dick (1986)
highlights the importance of acknowledging that two sets of needs are important when you
send information: yours and the other persons. Your needs are acknowledged by conveying
the relevant information in a direct, specific and concrete manner. The other person's needs
are acknowledged by the lack of blame or demand in your statement.

Hence, you have a choice about whether you include or exclude requests for behaviour
change from the other person. The following activity is designed to help you make that
decision.

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ESCALATING ASSERTION
At times you may find that a single assertive response is not sufficient to address a
situation and to stop the violation of your rights. In this situation you may be required to
use escalating assertion by gradually becoming more firm. It is important to note that
this is done without being aggressive. Escalating assertion can take the form of changing
from a request to a demand or from a preference to an outright refusal. The following
example demonstrates how the level of assertion can gradually be increased:

The female speaker is in a bar with a female friend, and a man repeatedly offers to buy
them drinks.
First response: That’s very nice of you to offer, but we came here to catch up on some
news. Thanks anyway!
Second response: No, thank you. We really would rather talk just to each other.
Third response: This is the third and last time I’m going to tell you that we don’t want your
company. Please leave.

In this example, the final blunt refusal was appropriate because the earlier escalating
assertions were ignored. If the woman had started with the highly escalated assertion the
first time the man had approached, her response would have been inappropriate. Since
assertion involves direct, honest, and appropriate expressions of thoughts and feelings, her
reaction would be aggressive rather than assertive.

(Material taken from Lange, Jakubowski and colleagues;1976, 1978)

Learning Group Activity 15: Using escalating assertion

For each scenario below, construct a series of three responses that demonstrate escalating
assertion. You should assume for the purpose of this activity that the person fails to
respond appropriately to your first two responses. You may find it useful to use some or all
components of an ‘I’ statement to help to convey your needs. Remember to ensure your
responses remain assertive rather than becoming aggressive, and keep in mind the goals,
emotions, rights/needs, verbals and nonverbal factors associated with assertive messages as
identified earlier in this module. Once you have constructed your messages, practise using
these in role plays with your learning group.

Scenario 1: It is 11:30pm on a Thursday night and your neighbours are having a party and
playing loud music that you can hear clearly in your bedroom. You have to be at work at
8am tomorrow and you really need your sleep.

First response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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Second response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Third response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Scenario 2: You are in a lecture and the two people behind you are continuously having a
whispered conversation that is distracting you.

First response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Second response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Third response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Scenario 3: A salesperson comes to your door wanting to get you to change your
electricity provider. You have recently signed a new contract with another provider and
you have no interest in changing. You really just want to start preparing dinner.

First response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Second response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
Third response:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

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Module 3
Managing the Interaction
MODULE 3: MANAGING THE INTERACTION: AN OVERVIEW

The focus of this module is on managing the interaction. This role may be filled by one,
or both, of the people involved in the interaction. It involves making decisions about the
overall communication process.

Taking the 3rd position involves standing back from a situation and experiencing it as
an observer. You are able to see and hear yourself, and the other person in the interaction,
as if you are a third person. Taking the 3rd position is useful when you want to stand back
and take some time to think objectively about an interaction. You remain somewhat
detached and are unlikely to have emotions in this position. From this position, you are
able to handle aggression from others in a controlled and unemotional way. When in the 3rd
position you are paying attention to the process, as well as the content, of the interaction.

3rd person skills are the skills for managing the interaction, in particular so that all
people's needs are met. They are the management skills needed to use first and second
person skills effectively. You will recall that 1st person skills are the skills needed for
sending information and 2nd person skills are the skills required for receiving information.
In this context 3rd person skills are those needed for deciding whether to "send" or
"receive" information at any given point in an interaction. You can use them for deciding
how to manage the overall communication process - such as identifying whose and what
information is needed at any stage of the interaction. You can also use them to achieve a
balance between sending and receiving information and between the contributions of both
people in the interaction. 3rd person skills are particularly useful for problem-solving and
managing conflict. In difficult or challenging situations, it is useful to have a process you
can use to effectively manage interactions. It is also important to manage negative
emotions that can impact on the interaction.

Overall aim: The aim of this module is to develop your ability to effectively manage the
communication process.

Some more specific outcomes include:

 Being able to take the 3rd position to assist you in making decisions about the overall
communication process.

 Understanding the factors involved in effective conversations.

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 Understanding the different styles for managing conflict.

 Developing skills in deciding whose and what information is most important at a

given point in an interaction.

 Being able to achieve a balance between sending and receiving and the
contributions of both people.

 Being able to manage feelings and emotions when in an interaction.

 Being able to implement a process to manage difficult interactions, such as

problem-solving and conflict management.

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MANAGING THE INTERACTION

The purpose of managing the interaction is to facilitate effective communication. We have
looked at the need to adopt the 3rd perceptual position and detach ourselves from an
interaction in order to make decisions about the process of the communication.
Individually, take some time to work through Activity 1, which will assist you in
experiencing "the 3rd position".

Learning Group Activity 16: Taking the 3rd position

Think of a situation that involved you and another person. Recall the interaction. Where
were you? What was said? Try to experience the situation from the 1st position. How were
you feeling? What were you sensing? What movements did you make? What could you see
and hear?

When you have experienced the interaction from the 1st position, change to the 2nd position.
Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. What did they say and how did they say it?
What was the interaction like through their eyes and ears? What were they experiencing
around them?

Now step back from the 2nd position so that you can see and hear yourself and the other
person as if you are an observer. Try to detach yourself from feelings and emotions by
placing them with the person to whom they belong. Detaching yourself in your thinking
and becoming an observer is taking the 3rd position.

Another way of experiencing 3rd position is to imagine yourself in the dual role of
actor/director. You, and a fellow actor in the play, are rehearsing a scene in which you
interact with each other, taking turns in delivering your dialogue. You are completely
involved in experiencing the performance in your role as actor. Now switch to your role as
director. Take a step back and observe the performance. Detach yourself from the role of
actor (where you may have been in the 1st and/or 2nd position) and take on the role of
director (3rd position) so you can organise and manage the performance taking place. You
step back, watch the performance from the detached 3rd position, and make some decisions
about how the performance should continue. You then step back into your role of actor.
You continue to change between the roles of actor (sending and receiving) and director
(managing the interaction) as required.

3rd person skills are the skills for making decisions about the overall communication
process. Some of these decisions include whose and what information is most important at
a given point in the interaction and whether you are achieving a balance between sending
and receiving information and between the contributions of both people involved. Let's
look at each of these issues in more detail. Much of the information presented here is from
our colleague Bob Dick who has a long history of contributing valuable theory and practice
to the world of "interpersonal skills".

To begin with, read through the transcript below and think about how the participants,
Antonio and Jana are using their sending, receiving and managing skills. This transcript
will then be referred to in some detail when we move on to looking at and understanding
3rd person skills.

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Scenario and transcript:

Antonio and Jana met through a peer-mentoring program run by the university that
they attended. They have formed a firm friendship and now get together at least once
a month to discuss their study, work and common areas of interest. Here is an excerpt
from one of their recent conversations:

(1) A: Yes, I’ve been considering a few options in regard to where to go from here with my
career and I'm going to spend some time finding out more information about what is
available.

(2) J: Okay. So, what have you found out so far?

(3) A: Well, I know that once I’ve finished this three-year degree there’s a one-year
graduate diploma course I can do. That will give me the qualifications to work at the
museum, but…

(4) J: But…?

(5) A: But I can only do that course in Townsville, Melbourne or Perth, which of course
means moving away from here.

(6) J: And you're not sure that you would like to move away?

(7) A: That's right, I’m not sure at all. I need to really think about that. Ben and I are just
getting established in a home and now might not be the right time. And of course, Ben
would have to find work. But that's okay. He and I will talk more about that later. What I'm
more interested in doing over the next few weeks is continuing to look at the options
available.

(8) J: So at this stage, you'd like to find out more info about what's around, and then
consider the pros and cons of each option.

(9) A: Right. One other thing I’ve found out is that I can complete a masters degree here
but, naturally enough, it would take at least two years further study.

(10) J: Mmm, a much longer commitment….

(11) A: Yeah, and it's not only the time involved. It doesn't seem as interesting as the
shorter Graduate Diploma course.

(12) J: It doesn't cover the things you’re interested in?

(13) A: No, it doesn't. You know that my main area of interest has always being
palaeontology embryos. And the course doesn't even touch on that. At other times, I
wonder if I should try and get a job at the museum and study part-time. I’m looking into
the possibility of part-time study - I rang and made some enquiries the other day.

(14) J: Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes when you’ve studied for so long you
can't wait to get out and actually work- that is, if you can find work in your field.

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(15) A: Yeah, and there isn’t a lot around. You’ve done okay though. You seem to be
happy with your work. And getting lots of variety- I mean every time I see you, you’re
working in a different area of the museum.

(16) J: Yes, I have been very fortunate. So far, so good.

(17) A: How did you decide what to do when you finished your degree?

(18) J: Well, like you, I went and talked to different people about options that were
available. I weighed up the pros and cons of each. Unlike you, I wasn't in a relationship at
that stage so basically, I could suit myself about where I went and what I did.

(19) A: And you decided to move interstate.

(20) J: That's right. And I’m glad I did. I chose what I thought was the right course for me,
and at that stage of my life I was keen to have change of scenery, so it seemed like a good
move at the time.

(21) A: Tell me more about the options you were choosing between, and how you came to
your decision…

Whose information - yours or the other person's?

A decision about whose information can influence the overall shape of an interaction. In
general, priority is given to the other person. This does not mean that your needs are less
important or will not be met. In fact, dealing first with the other person's issue improves
your chances of achieving your own goals. At the same time, you are looking after the
interests of the other person.

In the interaction between Antonio and Jana the question of whose information should be
dealt with may not seem important. They were having an amicable discussion and sharing
their thoughts and ideas about career opportunities. What if the interaction had taken a
different turn? Say for example the dialogue had been …

(15) Antonio: Yeah, and there isn’t a lot around. You’ve done okay though. You seem to
be happy with your work. And getting lots of variety - I mean every time I see you,
you’re working in a different area of the museum.

(16) Jana: Yes, well it may seem like that. However, I'm worried that by being moved
around all the time I’m not getting to know any of the areas very well. I would really
like to become established in one particular section so I can begin to work my way
up the ladder. At the moment I feel a bit like "the Jill of all trades - but master of
none".

The question of whose information should be dealt with becomes far more important here.
Rather than Antonio remaining in the 1st position and continuing on with his need to
acquire more information via the question …

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(17) Antonio: How did you decide what to do when you finished your degree?

It would be far more appropriate to deal with Jana's issue first. Perhaps with an empathic
2nd position reflection of feeling and content such as …

(17) Antonio: So you're concerned that you’re not getting the grounding or training you
need in order to advance.

Dealing first with Jana's issue (her concern about being moved around so much) increases
the chance that Antonio's issue (obtaining some information from Jana) will be met. After
dealing with Jana's issue, Antonio can return to his quest for information. Of course, in the
meantime Jana's needs have also been met.

The important point here is that Antonio has taken the 3rd position and used 3rd person
skills in order to decide how to continue with the interaction. He has stepped back and
considered whose information is most important at this point in time.

(Although priority is generally given to the other person, there is an exception to this.
When something stops you from dealing with an issue, you need to use your 1st position
skills to address the process. In this way, process is given priority over content. For
example, there may be occasions where you feel that you may have upset someone.
Perhaps you may try to raise the matter only to be told nothing is wrong, even though the
other person is implying non-verbally that there is something wrong. In this case, you
should address this issue (i.e., openly discuss your observations and interpretations so that
the concern about upsetting the other person can be dealt with in order for the
communication to proceed effectively). Similarly, if your own feelings are aroused so
much that you doubt your ability to deal with the interaction, your feelings need to be dealt
with first. For this reason you need to be self-aware during communication and to be able
to manage your anxiety.)

What information - feelings, thoughts, about what topic?

A decision about what information can influence both the overall shape of an interaction
and the moment-by-moment style of it. Some types of information must be given priority if
they are not to interfere with understanding. Effective exchange of information is more
likely to result if those involved in the interaction have sufficiently positive feelings.
Therefore, feelings have a higher priority than information. If information is not
forthcoming, or is not being understood, it may be most effective to deal with the negative
feelings that are interfering with the exchange of information. Consider the FIDO model
(Dick, 1986). This model stresses the importance of understanding and resolving the
Feelings, otherwise these feelings may interfere with the exchange or understanding of
Information, before Decisions can be made, and positive Outcomes are reached.

Once again, consider the interaction between Antonio and Jana. There did not seem to be
any strong feelings or emotions emerging during that interaction. The easy flow of
conversation suggests that sufficiently positive feelings were present in both persons
involved in the interaction. Hence, the question of what information should be dealt with

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may not have emerged. Let's change some of the dialogue and see what effect that may
have on the decision regarding what information to deal with.

(6) Jana: And you're not sure that you’d like to move away?

(7) Antonio: That's right, I’m not sure at all. I need to really think about that. Ben and I
are just getting established in our home and now might not be the right time. And of
course, Ben would have to find work. And that won't be easy. We both come from
very close families and have a tight knit circle of friends. Ben doesn't make new
friends easily and I wouldn't like to put him under that strain - especially if he’s out
of work at the same time. But he and I will talk more about that later. What I’m more
interested in doing over the next few weeks is continuing to look at the options
available.
The question of what information should be dealt with is more relevant here. Jana has to
make a decision whether to continue with the statement -

(8) Jana: So at this stage, you'd like to find out more information about what's around,
and then consider the pros and cons of each option.

- which by-passes Antonio's feelings and focuses on the content, or to address Antonio's
feelings with something like …

(8) Jana: Yeah, there are a lot of issues involved in moving away. And Ben is an
especially important one. I guess you’ll have that on your mind while you’re
exploring the options that are around.

Considering our earlier assertion that feelings have a higher priority than information, it
would seem more appropriate and effective to deal with Antonio's feelings first. Dealing
with Antonio's negative feelings (his concerns about Ben in regard to moving) increases
the chance that an effective exchange of information will follow. At the same time,
Antonio's feelings have been addressed. After dealing with Antonio's feelings, Jana can
return to seeking and providing further information.

In this instance, Jana has taken the 3rd position and used 3rd person skills in order to decide
how to continue with the interaction. She has detached herself for a moment and
considered what information is most important at this point in time.

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Balance between disclosure (sending) and enquiry (receiving)

In most situations it is usually more effective to balance receiving information (particularly

through enquiry) against sending information (particularly personal information).
Otherwise, the interaction may seem like an inquisition on the one hand, or a true
confessions session on the other.

Such a balance is not difficult to achieve. In a fairly equal relationship, each person is more
likely to disclose and enquire if the other person does so. Antonio and Jana seemed to
achieve this balance. The transcript picked up the conversation with Antonio disclosing to
Jana information about courses available and his thoughts on moving away from his home.
Antonio was clearly in the 1st position and effectively sending information to Jana. Jana
was in the 2nd position and reflecting on, and enquiring after, information from Antonio.
This process continued through the first section of the transcript (dialogue (1) to (13)).
Note the change that takes place at that point …

(13) Antonio (still disclosing at this point): No, it doesn't. You know that my main area of
interest has always been palaeontology embryos. And the course doesn't even touch
on that. At other times, I wonder if I should try and get a job at the museum and
study part-time. I’m looking into the possibility of part-time study - I rang and made
some enquiries the other day.

(14) Jana (still reflecting but moving into disclosure): Yeah, I know what you mean.
Sometimes when you’ve studied for so long you can't wait to get out and actually
work, - that is, if you can find the work in your field.

(15) Antonio (moved from disclosure into receiving): Yeah, and there isn’t a lot around.
You’ve done OK though. You seem to be happy with your work. And getting lots of
variety - I mean every time I see you, you’re working in a different area of the
museum.

(16) Jana (now disclosing): Yes, I have been very fortunate. So far, so good.

(17) Antonio (now receiving): How did you decide what to do when you finished your
degree?

(18) Jana (disclosing): Well, like you, I went and talked to different people about options
that were available. I weighed up the pros and cons of each. Unlike you, I wasn't in a
relationship at that stage so basically, I could suit myself about where I went and
what I did.

(19) Antonio (receiving): And you decided to move interstate …

Antonio and Jana clearly changed their roles in the communication process during this
interaction. At some point (perhaps around dialogue (14) and (15)), a decision was made to
move from one position to the other. As a result, a balance between disclosure and
enquiry was achieved. It seems likely that Antonio disengaged for a moment from his role

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of sending information, got into the 3rd position and considered the interaction, and made a
decision to enquire after more information from Jana.

Of course, there are some situations where it is more likely that one person involved in the
interaction will do most of the enquiring, and the other will provide most of the
information e.g., an interview for a job, or a witness in a court proceeding. In addition,
there is less likely to be a balance between disclosure and enquiry in interactions where
there is unequal power between the people involved. Those with power are less likely to
enquire after information regarding their own behaviour, and those without it are less likely
to volunteer such information. In these cases, extra attention to balance is needed.

Balance between the contributions of both people

You have probably been involved in interactions where you felt you were not getting the
opportunity to "have your fair say" or where perhaps you felt that you had not disclosed
enough information. On other occasions you may have felt that you were doing all the
talking and that the other person was offering little information. Imbalance between the
contributions of both people can lead to ineffective and dissatisfying communication. In
most situations it is usually more effective to balance the contributions of both people
involved in the interaction.

However, there are some instances where an imbalance between the contributions of both
people may be appropriate. Again, consider the interaction between Antonio and Jana. You
would probably agree, upon re-reading the transcript that a balance between their
contributions during the interaction had occurred. But what if more emotion or feeling had
emerged during the interaction? For example, again looking at the earlier piece of dialogue
regarding Antonio's concern with moving away …

(7) Antonio: That's right, I’m not sure at all. I need to really think about that. Ben and I
are just getting established in our home and now might not be the right time. And of
course, Ben would have to find work. And that won't be easy. We both come from
very close families and have a tight knit circle of friends. Ben doesn't make new
friends easily and I wouldn't like to put him under that strain - especially if he’s out
of work at the same time. But he and I will talk more about that later. What I’m more
interested in doing over the next few weeks is continuing to look at the options
available.

(8) Jana: Yeah, there are a lot of issues involved in moving away. And Ben is an
especially important one. I guess you’ll have that on your mind while you’re
exploring the options that are around.

(9) Antonio: Oh, yeah! It is weighing heavily on my mind. So much so that it’s hard to
see the advantages in making the move.

If Antonio had continued to express his concerns in this way it would be appropriate for
Jana to remain in the 2nd position and actively listen to Antonio. In this case, a balance
between the contributions of both people may not occur. The important point is that Jana

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needed her 3rd person skills to step back and make a decision about the balance of the
contribution in the interaction.

Learning Group Activity 17: Reflecting on conversations

The first activity asks you to reflect on conversations in which you have participated.
Complete your response to each scenario individually before discussing with members of
your learning group.

Scenario 1. Think about a conversation you have had with a person who talks too much or
who talks too little. How did the person behave? What was the impact of the person’s
behaviour on the conversation? What was your relationship with that person?

Scenario 2. Have you ever intentionally violated a conversational maxim described in your
textbook? Describe the circumstance. Is it ever appropriate or effective to violate any of
these maxims?

Scenario 3. Describe a conversation in which you wanted to keep it social while another
person tried to change the conversation to problem-solution (or vice versa). What
happened? How? Why? Was there a relational impact?

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Learning Group Activity 18: Planning how to manage interactions

This activity requires you to apply the information you have learned so far in this module
on managing an interaction. You will also be required to draw on the knowledge, skills and
abilities you have developed as a result of completing the modules on receiving and
sending information.

In this activity, you will be presented with three interpersonal situations which involve two
parties - 'you' and another person. Your task is to imagine yourself in the role of 'you' and
consider what 'you' would need to think about in planning an interaction with the other
person in each of the situations (don't feel that you have to 'over plan' each interaction). For
example, it is not important that you resolve the interpersonal issue. Rather, we will
address this type of information and skills a little later in this module when we discuss
problem solving.

You will find a number of questions following each of the scenarios. These are designed to
prompt you about the type of issues you may need to consider in planning your interaction
with the other person. These questions are not exhaustive and of course it would be
impossible to plan for every potential aspect of an interaction. However, it is often
beneficial to give consideration to issues, such as those addressed by the questions
provided, before they occur.

In order for you to make some notes as you go, space has been provided along with each of
the questions. You will probably find it most beneficial to discuss and complete the
questions with members of your learning group rather than individually. In answering each
question, remember that there are no 'right or wrong' answers. Rather, it is important that
you are able to justify your answers using information drawn from the literature (such as
the principles covered above regarding skills for managing an interaction, together with the
readings). Don't feel limited by the questions provided - feel free to think about additional
issues that could potentially arise and consider how they would be handled. For instance,
how would you manage the interaction if the other person says …? Or does …?

Finally, a word of caution! You may find this activity to be a little repetitive and somewhat
tedious. Nevertheless, we encourage you to have the patience to stick with it, as the
situations provided are designed to cover a range of interpersonal situations that vary in
levels of complexity and difficulty. Therefore, it is important that you complete the activity
to give yourself, and your peers, the opportunity to develop skills in planning how to
manage a range of interpersonal situations.

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Scenarios

Situation 1: You and Anne enjoy a close working relationship. You regularly have lunch
together. In the past you have taken turns in choosing where to eat. However, in the last
month or so Anne seems to disregard what you want and insists on eating at Subway. She
has ignored subtle suggestions that you choose somewhere else for lunch. This 'fixation'
has begun to annoy you (as you would prefer to try new places) and you have decided to
address the issue with Anne, who has a history of being somewhat unreceptive to other
people's feedback and does not seem to like being corrected on her behaviour. This
morning, as you get ready for work, you are thinking about how you could best approach
the situation.

Whose information has priority - Anne's or mine? Why?

Specify what information is important - feelings, thoughts, or other? Why?

How could I work on achieving a balance between sending and receiving information?

How could I work on achieving a balance between the contributions that we each make?

Are there likely to be any emotions involved, and if so, how will I deal with them?

Situation 2: William and you are work colleagues. Both of you frequently do field trips as
part of your jobs. Parking is difficult, but each of you 'in theory' has a reserved parking

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space for your cars. You both often have to work to a tight timetable; for example, having
to rush back to the office for an interview after a field trip. William wasn't able to park in
'his' space today, as someone else in the office got 'his' spot. Therefore, he parked in 'your'
parking space. He was a little reluctant to do this because he knows that you get quite upset
when he does it. However, he was hoping that today was your R.D.O (Rostered Day Off).
He notices that you still aren't in by 10am and feels quite relieved that he must have
guessed correctly about today being your R.D.O. However, you don't have an R.D.O.
today. Rather, you have a particularly busy and tight day scheduled. You haven't been into
the office because you had an 8.30am field trip so you decided to go directly there from
home. Your 8.30am field trip has just gone badly and you are running well behind time.
When you get back, you find William's car parked in 'your' parking space. You had to park
several blocks away in a metered parking space and now you aren't sure if you will be able
to get back in time to feed the meter. By now it is 10.30am and you have just arrived back
to the office, late for your next interview. You are quite flustered, frustrated and angry.
You rush in, saying to William, 'You've parked your car in my parking spot again!"

Whose information has priority - William's or mine? Why?

Specify what information is important - feelings, thoughts, or other? Why?

How could I work on achieving a balance between sending and receiving information?

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How could I work on achieving a balance between the contributions that each of us makes?

Are there likely to be any emotions involved, and if so, how will I deal with them?

Are there any other issues to consider?

Situation 3: You and Adam take it in turns to prepare the evening meal. It's Adam's turn.
He has been bustling around for some time, preparing a recipe he saw on MasterChef. You
are planning to go out after dinner. You begin to think that you won't have time to get
where you're going unless Adam hurries up. Adam knows you are going out and he does
seem to be fussing about instead of getting on with it. You try to inform Adam, in your
most interpersonally skilled manner, what is happening. If Adam had known what a hectic
day it was going to be, he wouldn't have planned such a complicated meal. It really
requires some planning to make sure everything is ready at one time. Just when Adam is
trying to juggle three things at once, and feeling quite flustered, you start to pressure Adam
to get on with it. If Adam could go any faster, he would. From Adam's perspective, it
would be a lot easier if you would just leave him to get on with it. Adam shouts, 'I've only
got one pair of hands, you know!'

Whose information has priority - Adam's or mine? Why?

Specify what information is important - feelings, thoughts, or other? Why?

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How could I work on achieving a balance between sending and receiving information?

How could I work on achieving a balance between the contributions that each of us makes?

Are there likely to be any emotions involved, and if so, how will I deal with them?

Are there any other issues to consider?

Learning group Activity 19: Practising managing the interaction

In your tutorial and learning group meetings you will have the opportunity to start putting
your interaction management skills into practice. The feedback sheet on the following page
provides a guide for points you will need to consider while participating in the role play
and giving feedback as an observer.
Managing the interaction skills feedback sheet – 1

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1. How effectively did people use their ‘receiving’ information skills? (For example,
empathic position, following, attending, reflection and questioning.) Examples:

2. How effectively did people use their ‘sending’ information skills? (For example, making
direct, concrete, specific and assertive “I” statements, congruent non-verbals, leaving
room for escalation.) Examples:

3. To what extent were feelings addressed before content information? Provide an

example.

4. To what extent did people address other’s information before their own information?
Provide an example.

5. To what extent was a balance between sending and receiving information achieved?
How?

6. How effectively was a balance between the contributions of each person achieved?
How?

7. How effectively were any emotions managed? For example:

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MANAGING EMOTIONS
Strong emotions, and particularly negative ones such as anger, can strongly impact on the
process and outcome of an interaction. In order to ensure we communicate effectively we
need to be able to manage our emotions to make sure that we continue to send and receive
information appropriately. The following information details skills you can use to prevent
and manage anger and can be applied to any strong emotion that impacts upon
communication. You should keep this information in mind during the rest of this module
when we examine processes for problem-solving and managing conflict.

Stage 1: Before you get angry

There are several anger management skills that should be practised before the person
becomes angry. These skills are aimed at helping individuals to perceive themselves
accurately and to ensure that individuals have learned effective methods for coping with
anger.

 Take responsibility for your feelings. It’s easy for people to avoid recognition of
their role in becoming angry by perceiving that someone else “made” them angry.
Individuals choose to get angry themselves in response to the thoughts, feelings and
actions they instigate and experience. Develop the skill of tracking your anger or
stress arousal levels. Identify your body’s early warning signals such as your voice
becoming louder or your fists clenching.
 Identify your triggers. Become aware of the attitudes, thoughts, situations, events
and behaviours that trigger your anger. You can identify and address why each
trigger contributes to you becoming angry.
 Develop coping strategies for handling anger. You should try to develop several
coping strategies to help your anger in various situations. Types of coping
strategies include:
 Coping self-talk. This strategy is especially relevant for people who
become impulsive when angry. The strategy is aimed at helping people to
calm down in anger-evoking situations so that they have time to think about
more effective ways of responding. Simple self-instructions such as “calm
down”, “take it easy” or “count to ten” can give you time and space to get
your feelings under control. In addition to calming self-statements, there
are also coaching self-statements about how you can best perform the task
at hand (e.g., “I’m not going to let him/her get to me”, “I’m not going to get
sucked into this argument”). There are also affirming self-statements that
help to bolster y our confidence (e.g., “Even though I was angry at him/her,
I was still in control of the situation”, “I’m glad I didn’t come on too strong
back there”).
 Relaxation. This strategy involves developing a relaxation response to
employ when you begin to feel angry. There are a number of relaxation
techniques available, including visualising a restful scene, and progressive
muscular relaxation. Deep breathing can also help.
 Use preventative assertion. In some situations, your failure to assert yourself
may contribute to your anger. For example, there may be situations where you
disapprove of another person’s behaviour and you fail to let that person know.

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Your anger and resentment towards that person may escalate and you may also
become annoyed at yourself for letting it happen.
e.g., Jane doesn’t like lending her clothes to her flatmate Rani because Rani
is always very slow at returning them. Whenever she lends Rani an item,
Jane becomes more and more angry as she waits for Rani to return it, and
usually ends up asking for the item back during an argument about
something else. Jane could prevent herself from becoming angry by making
it clear to Rani that she doesn’t want her to borrow her clothes again.
 Learn to express your anger assertively. Using assertiveness skills covered
earlier in this course, learn to express your angry feelings in an assertive rather than
aggressive manner. You should also express your feelings by letting the other
person know what you want in a non-defensive and non-threatening way.
e.g., Assertive anger: “When you arrive late for dinner whenever my
parents are over, I get angry because I think you don’t want to be involved
in my family life. I’d like you to be on time when they come over next
time.”

Stage 2: While you are angry

 Apply the coping strategies you have learned. Make an effort to use the coping
strategies that you have developed every time you become angry. Stopping
yourself from reacting to anger in the same way you have usually responded in the
past will be difficult at first but applying the more effective anger management
strategies should become easier with practice.
 Assess the situation. Assess whether the situation is worth your time and energy,
and consider the possible consequences of expressing yourself before you decide to
take action.

Stage 3: Taking action

 Express your concern assertively. Use your assertiveness skills to express your
concern to the other person.
 Be specific. When expressing your concern, stick to specifics and to the present
situation. Making generalisations about the entire history of your relationship can
shift the focus of the problem and escalate angry feelings.
 Work out a time to deal with the problem. If the problem has not been resolved
and you think the situation is one you need to work out with the other person,
schedule a time to talk about the situation.

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT PROCESS

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Problem solving is another important 3rd position skill. The following model involves eight
steps that can assist with effectively manage conflict. This process is described in your
textbook and can be used as a basis for managing any interaction, such as when decisions
need to be made.

1. Set the stage. Picking a location where you can speak openly and honestly is
important. Private is usually better than in public and offline is usually better than
online or on social media sites.

2. Define the problem or conflict. It is important that all parties arrive at a mutually
acceptable definition and understanding of the problem before trying to find solutions
to resolve it.

3. Identify your goals. Agree on what you want to accomplish in the interaction.

4. Identify and evaluate your choices. Once the problem is identified, the search for
potential solutions begins. There is no best solution – this part of the exercise involves
brainstorming all possible solutions. During this stage it is important to encourage
creativity and minimise or avoid evaluation. Both parties working co-operatively to
generate and publish a list of shared possible solutions is often considered most
effective. Various strategies are available for identifying possible solutions and in
particular, brainstorming, which is the most popular strategy available. Once generated,
look for solutions that allow for a win-win situation (more on this to come below) and
avoid win-lose solutions. Carefully weigh the costs and rewards.

5. Act on the chosen choice. With a list of possible solution(s) now generated, the
potential solution(s) need to be clarified and put to the test. You should start by
mentally testing the possible solution(s). How does it feel? Are you comfortable with
this solution? You then need to test the solution in practice. How does it work? What
are the consequences? Is it a feasible solution? If it doesn’t pass these tests then discard
the solution and test another solution. After testing the potential solution, you need to
decide upon a solution or a combination of solutions that best meet the needs of both
parties. Thus, the parties don’t have to choose one solution. Consensus is usually the
preferred decision making process to use when attempting to select the most
appropriate solution as it ensures that everyone’s needs are met such that the selected
solution is more likely to be implemented.

6. Evaluate the choice. Once you have decided on your solution(s), you need to
implement it and assess whether it has assisted in solving the problem or resolving the
conflict. Is the situation better now than it was before the solution was implemented?
You want to encourage each party to be open and honest in sharing their feelings
throughout this evaluation process. It is important to complete your action plan steps on
schedule and to avoid over-reacting to noncompliance of the schedule by others. If
some people are having difficulty completing their action steps in the required time, it
is worthwhile trying to determine why the difficulty exists. It may be, for instance,
that others involved think the solution is a valuable idea, but have encountered
unexpected factors preventing them from implementing aspects of the plan.

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7. Accept or reject the solution. If you are unhappy with the solution, you will need to
try another solution or go back and start again by redefining the problem. However, if
you choose to accept the solution, then it is time to put it into practice permanently. In
doing so, you need to work out the specifics of how to implement the solution.
Planning involves deciding upon who will do what, where and by when. A range of
strategies is available for planning the implementation of the solution to maximise the
probability of success. After discussing the specifics of your chosen solution, it is
useful to have a clear statement, written or oral, of what the agreed solution actually
entails.

8. Wrap it up. Once the problem/conflict has been resolved, you need to give yourself
the opportunity to learn from the conflict and the process you went through in trying to
resolve it. When this stage is conducted, it is important for those involved to review
their process by considering the positive and negative aspects of the process. For
instance, were there any strategies that merely aggravated or escalated the problem?
Were there triggers to the conflict that could be avoided in the future? The review may
also consider changes that could be implemented to improve future conflict processes.
For instance, did you need to put greater thought and discussion into the feasibility of
the potential solution before trying to implement it? Lastly, it is important for all
concerned to assess whether they are satisfied with the outcomes of the implemented
process.

Learning Group Activity 19: Applying the conflict management process

This activity is designed to develop your skills in conflict management. Listed below is a
range of scenarios that depict problems across a range of contexts (e.g., learning group,
friend, work colleague etc), for you to role-play within your learning group. You do not
need to attempt all of the scenarios. Choose those that you find most interesting or
applicable to your life. Within the role-play there are two key roles: parties involved in the
problem and observers/feedback providers.

You may choose to have one or two people concentrating on the conflict management' role
and displaying their conflict skills. Whatever option you choose, remember the importance
of your foundation skills of sending and receiving information in attempting to solve the
conflict you are presented with. Also, remember to decide what and whose information
you need to focus on as well as the importance of managing and dealing with feelings to
assist you in adopting a collaborative approach to the conflict management process.

For people in the role of observers/feedback providers, you will find an observation and
feedback sheet after the scenarios that may assist you with your task. Additional copies of
this feedback sheet can be found in the appendices. Remember the importance of your
giving and receiving feedback skills in this role.

Once you feel confident with your skills, try testing them by asking the other person in the
role-play to become 'difficult' - that is, to be less cooperative and more competitive or
avoidant. Extending the experience in this way will provide you with the opportunity to
develop your skills in interacting with 'difficult' people.

Scenarios:

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 You have been living at home with your parents and things have been becoming
problematic for you lately. For instance, they seem to always need to know where you
are going and when you will be home. You inform them of your decision to move out
of home and rent a place with a close friend of yours. Your parents agree that it
probably is time for you to move out of home. However, they disagree that you should
move in with your friend as they do not like them. They would prefer you to rent your
own house.

 You and your partner have recently discovered that close friends of yours will be
arriving from overseas within the next month. You would really like them to stay with
you. However, your partner would prefer that they stayed elsewhere. You need to give
your friends an answer by the end of the week.

 You have recently agreed to take on a project with a colleague of yours. You usually
work really well together. However, this time you are finding it really difficult to agree
on the best way to approach the project.

 You and your partner have been together for the last five years and have been
considering moving in together for the last 12 months. The major hurdle stopping you
from going ahead regards the decision about whether to get married or live in a de facto
relationship. You would prefer the former option, whereas your partner would prefer
the latter option.

 One of your friends puts a passive aggressive post on their Facebook page that you
think is directed at you. You discuss the situation with another close friend and tell
them that you think it would be best for you to confront your friend and discuss the
problem. However, your friend thinks that it would be best if you let it go and did not
approach them as it might cause tension in your friend group.

 You have been really busy lately with all the demands in your life - university, friends,
family and part-time work. Your partner has noticed how run-down you have been
lately and suggests that you drop something off your workload in order to better
manage your affairs. You are quite angry about this suggestion as you think that it
would be much more practical if your partner would be able to pick up some of the
household chores to help ease your load.

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Conflict Management Feedback Sheet

Did the person(s) in the role-play attempt to solve the problem by:

1. Adopting a collaborative approach (using assertive and mutually respectful

communication to address the problem)? Describe:

2. Using their receiving information skills (e.g., following, attending, reflection and
questioning skills)? Examples:

3. Using their sending information skills (e.g., making direct, concrete, specific and
assertive "I" statements; congruent non-verbals; leaving room for escalation; etc)?

4. Addressing feelings before content information? Provide an example:

5. Addressing others’ information before their own information? Describe.

6. Defining the problem or conflict? Describe.

7. Examining possible solution(s)? Example:

8. Clarifying the solution(s) and putting the potential solution(s) to the test? How did
you mentally and practically test the solution(s)?

9. Evaluating the solution(s) and assessing whether it has assisted in resolving the
dispute? How?

10. Accepting or rejecting the solution(s)? When appropriate, working out the specifics of
how the solution(s) will be implemented?

11. Evaluating or discussing the problem solving process?

12. Additional comments:

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES

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The diagram below details five main conflict management styles. These styles can be
applied to any interaction, regardless of whether conflict is present. You can see that these
styles can be differentiated on the importance of the relationship (your degree of concern
for the other person), and the importance of the outcome (your degree of concern for
yourself). More information on these styles can be found in your textbook reading on
Interpersonal Conflict and Conflict Management.

Based on DeVito, 2009; Nikola, 2008

The following table compares the conflict management styles in more detail. You will
notice that avoiding and accommodating, and collaborative and compromising have been
grouped together. This is because the styles are similar but differ in the degree to which
some factors are applicable. It is important to note the links between styles, and passive,
assertive, and aggressive communication discussed in Module 2.

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AVOIDING/ COLLABORATIVE/ COMPETITIVE

ACCOMMODATING COMPROMISING

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Feelings expressed too Feelings expressed Feelings expressed too
weakly appropriately strongly
Mutual caution Mutual caring Mutual antagonism

Peace as a goal Problem resolution as a goal Power as a goal

Solutions insufficiently Solutions tactfully offered Solutions aggressively

offered and considered and rationally considered offered and imposed

Problem partially solved or Problem solved or contained Problem unsolved or

submerged escalated

Problems avoided Problems addressed Problems personalised

Avoiding: Lose/lose Collaborative: Win-win Win-lose outcome
outcome outcome
Accommodating: Lose/win Compromising: Win/lose-
outcome win/lose outcome

Learning Group Activity 20: Conflict management scenarios

This activity is designed to help you to better understand the conflict management styles.
Listed below are the same scenarios that were used in the problem-solving activity earlier.
Use the diagram showing the conflict management styles to role-play the types of
interactions representing various styles. Within the role-play there are two key roles:
parties involved in the conflict and observers/feedback providers.
One person in the role-play should use the collaborative approach or the
compromising approach while the other person should make things more difficult by
using one of the following approaches: avoiding, accommodating, or competitive. This will
help you to develop your conflict management skills in interacting with ‘difficult’ people.
When using the collaborative or compromising approaches, you should use your
foundation skills of sending and receiving information in attempting to manage the
conflict. Also remember to decide what and whose information you need to focus on, as
well as the importance of managing and dealing with feelings to assist you in adopting a
collaborative approach to the process.

For people in the role of observers/feedback providers, use the observation and
feedback sheet to assist you in providing feedback.

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 You have been living at home with your parents and things have been becoming
problematic for you lately. For instance, they seem to always need to know where
you are going and when you will be home. You inform them of your decision to
move out of home and rent a place with a close friend of yours. Your parents agree
that it probably is time for you to move out of home. However, they disagree that
you should move in with your friend as they do not like them. They would prefer
you to rent your own house.
 You and your partner have recently discovered that close friends of yours will be
arriving home from overseas within the next month. You would really like them to
stay with you. However, your partner would prefer they stayed elsewhere. You
need to give your friends an answer by the end of the week.
 You have agreed to take on a project with a colleague of yours recently. You
usually work really well together. However, this time you are finding it really
difficult to agree on the best way to approach the project.
 You and your partner have been together for the last five years and have been
considering moving in together for the last 12 months. The major hurdle stopping
you from going ahead regards the decision about whether to get married or live in a
de facto relationship. You would prefer the former option, whereas your partner
would prefer the latter option.
 One of your friends puts a passive aggressive post on their Facebook page that you
think is directed at you. You discuss the situation with another close friend and tell
them that you think it would be best for you to confront your friend and discuss the
problem. However, your friend thinks that it would be best if you let it go and did
not approach them as it might cause tension in your friend group.

When you have completed the role plays (and the process of giving and receiving feedback
regarding your skills) discuss your answers to the following questions in relation to your
conflict management style:

Did you identify and define the conflict presented in the scenarios in any more depth or
detail? If so, how easy was it for you to clearly identify the conflict you were trying to
manage?

How difficult was it for you to refrain from suggesting solutions until you had analysed
the problem?

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Did you evaluate your conflict management style for future interactions either
explicitly with the person you were interacting with or implicitly in your own mind?

What type of issues or relationships do you consider would be appropriate for using
this approach to conflict management? What other contextual variables would
influence your decision as to whether you would use this process?

If you extended your skills to dealing with people who were playing roles what did you
learn about how to approach such situations? What did you find helped or hindered
you in your attempts to manage the conflict with people using different conflict
management styles?

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Managing the Interaction Skills Feedback Sheet - 2

Who is in the managing role? _________________________

Brief description of context:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Did the person in the role-play attempt to manage the interaction by:
1. Adopting an avoiding, accommodating, competitive, compromising or collaborative
style? Describe.

2. Using their receiving information skills (e.g., following, attending, reflection and
questioning skills)? Examples:

3. Using their sending information skills (e.g., making direct, concrete, specific and
assertive ‘I’ statements; congruent non-verbals; leaving room for escalation; etc)?
Describe.

4. Addressing feelings before content information? Provide an example.

5. Addressing others’ information before their own information? Describe.

6. Achieving a balance between sending and receiving information? How?

7. Achieving a balance between the contributions of the two people? How?

8. Managing any emotions that were involved in the interpersonal situation? For example:

9. Additional comments:

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Learning Group Activity 21: How well is Alinta managing the interaction?
With your learning group, take a look at the following interaction between Alinta and
Bryan who are negotiating the sale of a used car.
Alinta wants to buy a reliable, comfortable, and economical used car that is within
her price range of $10,500. She has visited car yards, read the newspaper classifieds,
spoken with a friend who is a mechanic and called the RACQ. Alinta believes that she
could reasonably expect to buy a 4-5 year old 4 cylinder car with low mileage for this
price.
Alinta calls Bryan (salesman) at a local car yard. She asks for the details of a small
four cylinder car that he advertised in the newspaper. She arranges a time for a test drive
but doesn't discuss the price of the car with Bryan.
When Alinta sees the car she thinks that the price ($10,300) is a little on the high
side - although she suspects that the car is intentionally overpriced and that Bryan will be
willing to negotiate. Alinta drives the car and decides that she would like to put in an offer.
She faces Bryan and assertively says "Bryan, it seems like a good car, I like most of the
things about it, although the price is more than I believe the car is worth. However, I would
be willing to pay you $9,800 for the car".
Bryan isn't satisfied with Alinta's offer - he looks down to the ground then towards
the car and, whilst shuffling his feet, he quietly turns down the offer. In an apologetic and
pleading tone of voice Bryan then says, "Alinta I would really like to sell you this car …
but I'm sorry … I just can't let it go for that price".
Alinta isn't quite sure what to make of Bryan's non-verbal behaviour. She therefore
decides to seek more information, firmly saying, "Quite honestly Bryan I don't understand
your hesitancy. I believe that $10,300 is a lot to pay for a 6 year old car. Is there something
special about it that I may not be aware of?" Bryan informs Alinta that the car has brand
new tyres, has recently been fitted with air-conditioning, and carries a 2 year unlimited
warranty.
Alinta considers the warranty important, but the air-conditioning a luxury. She then
offers to pay Bryan $9,950. Bryan laughs, looks directly at Alinta and says, "Alinta you
drive a hard bargain, how about we make it an even $10,000". Alinta smiles, makes eye
contact with Bryan and says, "Bryan I would be happy to pay $10,000 if you have the car
cleaned and detailed". Bryan agrees. Alinta confidently shakes Bryan's hand.

 What style of managing the interaction do you think Alinta & Bryan used? Why?
Support your response with specific observations & interpretations.
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

 Analyse Alinta and Bryan's skills for managing the interaction. Think about what
information, whose information and whether there was a balance between sending and
receiving information. Were these skills used effectively?
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

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Managing the interaction skills feedback sheet - 1

1. How effectively did people use their ‘receiving’ information skills? (e.g., following,
attending, reflection and questioning.) Examples:

2. How effectively did people use their ‘sending’ information skills? (For example, making
direct, concrete, specific and assertive “I” statements, congruent non-verbals, leaving
room for escalation.) Examples:

3. To what extent were feelings addressed before content information? Examples:

4. To what extent did people address other’s information before their own information?
Provide an example.

5. To what extent was a balance between sending and receiving information achieved?
How?

6. How effectively was a balance between the contributions of each person achieved?
How?

7. How effectively were any emotions managed? For example:

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Conflict Management Feedback Sheet

Did the person(s) in the role-play attempt to solve the problem by:

8. Adopting a collaborative approach (using assertive and mutually respectful

communication to address the problem)? Describe:

9. Using their receiving information skills (e.g., following, attending, reflection and
questioning skills)? Examples:

10. Using their sending information skills (e.g., making direct, concrete, specific and
assertive "I" statements; congruent non-verbals; leaving room for escalation; etc)?

11. Addressing feelings before content information? Provide an example:

12. Addressing others’ information before their own information? Describe.

13. Defining the problem or conflict? Describe.

14. Examining possible solution(s)? Example:

8. Clarifying the solution(s) and putting the potential solution(s) to the test? How did
you mentally and practically test the solution(s)?

13. Evaluating the solution(s) and assessing whether it has assisted in resolving the
dispute? How?

14. Accepting or rejecting the solution(s)? When appropriate, working out the specifics of
how the solution(s) will be implemented?

15. Evaluating or discussing the conflict management process?

16. Additional comments:

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Managing the interaction skills feedback sheet - 2

Who is in the managing role? _________________________

Brief description of context:
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Did the person in the role-play attempt to manage the interaction by:
1. Adopting an avoiding, accommodating, competitive, compromising or collaborative
style? Describe.

2. Using their receiving information skills (e.g. following, attending, reflection and
questioning skills)? Examples:

3. Using their sending information skills (e.g. making direct, concrete, specific and
assertive ‘I’ statements; congruent non-verbals; leaving room for escalation; etc)?
Describe.

4. Addressing feelings before content information? Provide an example.

5. Addressing others’ information before their own information? Describe.

6. Achieving a balance between sending and receiving information? How?

7. Achieving a balance between the contributions of the two people? How?

8. Managing any emotions that were involved in the interpersonal situation? For example:

9. Additional comments:

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