Free The Pleaser
Free The Pleaser
Free The Pleaser
Pleaser.
Your Needs, Likes, and Dislikes Matter
People-pleasers are feeling unsafe and uncertain in connection to others, it’s a coping
mechanism deeply rooted in the attachment wound and abandonment fear. Learned
behavior. They lack self-regulation skills and carry excessive guilt and shame.
They do what they can to please the other to be accepted and to avoid rejection. It becomes
unhealthy when you are overstepping your boundaries, likes, dislikes, needs, or wants to
facilitate those of the people you seek approval from. This over time builds up resentment for
over-giving and that harms relationships.
This shows up in ways such as saying yes to requests or demands of others even when they
conflict with your wants, likes, dislikes, or boundaries. There is a strong desire to avoid
conflict or confrontation to maintain harmony, or constantly seek reassurance and approval.
This often results in finding other ways to get your point across.
Boundaries are an expression of love for yourself, compassion for others, and an important
step to taking care of our mental health.
Difficulty saying no, even when it is inconvenient for you, because no feels terrifying.
Feeling anxious or guilty when you prioritize your own needs over the wants of others.
Going out of your way to do things for others when you lack time, resources, or energy.
Feeling responsible for the emotions and happiness of others.
Avoiding conflict or confrontation, even if it means suppressing your feelings or needs.
Struggling to assert yourself or express your opinions and boundaries openly and assertively.
Constantly seeking approval and validation, basing your self-worth on external validation.
Overcommitting yourself, leading to feelings of overwhelm, frustration, and burnout.
Difficulty setting and holding boundaries, leading to boundary violations and resentment.
Feeling obligated to sacrifice your own goals, desires or aspirations to support others.
Difficulty making decisions, and seeking reassurance before taking action.
Feeling guilty or selfish when doing what brings you relaxation, joy and fulfillment.
Neglecting self-care practices such as exercise, sleep, and relaxation because you lack time.
Not sharing your true thoughts and feelings for fear of rejection or disapproval.
Feeling drained or depleted after social interactions because you focus on how you need to be.
Tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, rationalizing their actions.
Difficulty receiving help or support from others, preferring to be the one who helps instead.
Feeling a sense of emptiness or lack of fulfillment, because of the disconnect between who you
are and the persona you present to the world.
Abandonment Fear
Fear of abandonment can stem from past experiences of rejection, loss, or abandonment,
whether real or perceived. People-pleasers go to great lengths to avoid situations that trigger this
fear, such as conflict or disapproval from others. They may prioritize others' needs and desires
over their own, believing that meeting others' expectations will secure their acceptance and
validation, thus preventing abandonment.
Learned Behavior
People-pleasing can also be learned through observation and reinforcement. If you grew up in an
environment where caretakers modeled people-pleasing behavior or where their needs were
consistently dismissed or invalidated, you may internalize the belief that your worthiness is
dependening on meeting others' expectations. Over time, this learned behavior becomes
ingrained as an automatic response.
Overcoming people-pleasing helps you to experience more secure, authentic relationships based
on mutual respect and emotional reciprocity.
Reflect on a recent situation where you said "yes" to something when you wanted to say
"no." What were the thoughts and emotions that came with your decision? How did you feel
afterward?
Think back to your childhood or upbringing. Were there any experiences or messages from
caregivers that influenced your tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own? How do
you see these influences playing out in your adult relationships?
Is there a relationship where you often tend to people please? What are the underlying fears
or insecurities? How do these fears impact your ability to express your true self?
Reflect on a time when you felt resentful or depleted after people-pleasing behaviors. What
were the consequences of prioritizing others' needs over your own? How did this experience
shape your understanding of boundaries and self-consideration?
Consider the role of self-worth and validation in your people-pleasing tendencies. How do
you define your self-worth? To what extent do you rely on external validation to feel worthy
and lovable?
Explore the concept of authenticity in your relationships. How do you define authenticity? In
what ways do people-pleasing behaviors prevent you from being your true self? What steps
can you take to cultivate greater authenticity in your interactions with others?
Think about a time when you received genuine praise or appreciation for being your
authentic self. If ever. How did it feel to be seen and valued for who you truly are? How can
you cultivate more moments of authenticity in your daily life?
Reflect on the idea of boundaries as acts of self-care and self-respect. What are some
boundaries you would like to establish or strengthen in your relationships? How can you
communicate these boundaries assertively and compassionately?
Imagine a scenario where you would assertively communicate your needs and boundaries
without fear of rejection or disapproval. What would that look like? How would it feel to honor
your own needs and prioritize your well-being in this situation?
Just like you, others are struggling with people-pleasing tendencies. When you realize that people are
in this space, you can support them. When we become more aware of people pleasing in ourselves,
we can pay attention to the moments we unintentionally push others over their boundaries.
Respectfully acknowledge their boundary or refusal without pressuring them to change their mind.
Let them know that you hear and accept their decision, and reassure them that it's okay to
prioritize their own needs and preferences.
Validate any hesitations or concerns they have about saying no. Let them know that it's normal to
feel uncertain or uncomfortable when asserting themselves, and affirm their right to make choices
that align with their values and well-being.
Demonstrate empathy and understanding for their perspective, even if you disagree with their
decision. Avoid judgment or criticism, and instead, express appreciation for their honesty and
authenticity in communicating their boundaries.
Reassure them that you're available to support them in whatever way they need, whether it's
finding alternative solutions, offering encouragement, or simply being there to listen without
judgment. Let them know that you respect their autonomy and agency in making decisions that
are best for them.
Give them space to process their decision and any accompanying emotions without pressure or
interference. Respect their need for privacy and autonomy, and avoid prying or pushing for
explanations if they're not ready to share.
Model healthy boundary-setting by respecting their boundaries and decisions, even if it's
inconvenient or disappointing for you. Show them that you value their autonomy and agency, and
that you're committed to supporting their well-being above all else.
Keep the lines of communication open for future discussions about boundaries and assertiveness.
Let them know that they can approach you anytime they need support or guidance, and reaffirm
your commitment to respecting their boundaries and decisions.