8 Small Talk Mistakes

and How to Avoid Them

Ey up mate!

I know, I know... Small talk can be an absolute nightmare! It’s hard

enough to do in your native language, right? Getting over the
embarrassment and anxiety of talking to new people, racking your
brain for something to say, all while trying to avoid the awkward
silence that is waiting in the background. Now you have to do this in
English?!?

It’s no wonder that so many people decide to avoid doing it

altogether. Most English learners feel like it is not worth all the hassle
and fear that comes along with having a chat with a new person
you might encounter.

Let me know if this sounds like you:

You worry about not being able to connect with the people
around you on a deeper level due to language and cultural
differences.
You are scared that your ability to communicate effectively will
stop you being able to make new connections and build
relationships.
You fear being judged based on your accent, fluency, or English
abilities which leaves you feeling self-conscious when meeting
new people.
You are bored to death of talking about the weather and then
not having anything else to say. You want to go deeper, but you
don’t know how to get there.

I totally understand if it does but today I want to tell you that you are
not alone! I still feel this way sometimes and I still find small talk
challenging when I meet new people here in Japan.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
However, I’m here to show you that small talk is such an amazing skill
to have and it can be the key to building a better life through
making amazing connections with new people.

Now, I know you probably already know why small talk is good, like,
who doesn’t want to make new friends, right? Seems like a no-
brainer, but it’s another example of something that is easier said
than done. I get it. I really do.

So what are you supposed to do? How do you get from being
terrified of starting a conversation with a new person to being
confident when breaking the ice in any social situation? Well, just like
most things in life, is a process that takes time and practice.

Small talk is actually a massive topic that has lots of different

aspects to it ranging from mindset, communication techniques,
human nature, and of course, English ability.

However, if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, it is not that
crazy. You can improve one small aspect at a time and gradually
get better, one conversation at a time.

You are not going to be perfect, so stop trying to be. All you have to
do is try and the natural outcome will be that you get better. Repeat
the process until you are comfortable. Today is a big first step on
that journey and this guide is here to help you.

I also want to remind you that making mistakes is not a bad thing.
We all make mistakes... I cock things up more than the average
person, I promise! The real issue is learning from your mistakes and
not repeating them.

Seriously! Don’t beat yourself up if you make some of the mistakes in

this guide... that’s not the point.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Even if you make ALL of the mistakes in this guide, it just means you
know what to adjust next and get back on the horse as soon as
possible!

After you have finished reading this guide, do me a favour... Send me

a message on instagram (or by email if you prefer) to let me know
what your biggest lightbulb moment was? What was the point that
made the biggest change in your mindset when it comes to small
talk? I’d love to know!

I also want you to remember that everyone is different, with different

personalities and different interests and small talk is not going to
give you the superpower of connecting with every person on the
planet. You will meet people who you can’t connect with and that is
OK. It’s just human nature and it isn’t anything to do with your
communication skills.

Finally, I want to remind you that in order to find your voice in English,
you have to bloody use it! Make the mistakes in this guide, learn from
them and grow.

Now, who am I to help you with this?

Well, my name is Dan (Short for Daniel,

but I only hear that name from my mum
when I did something bad, which was
way to often as a kid...) and I am a
language and communication coach
who specialises in British English.

I am originally from Sheffield in the UK,

but my life totally changed in April
of 2016.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
That is when I packed my entire life into a suitcase on got on a plane
headed to Japan to teach English. I decided to start a new life, in a
new country, all on my own. The problem was that I barely spoke
Japanese and I had no idea what it would be like to start a new life a
million miles away from everyone that I knew and loved. It was hard,
to say the least.

I had to struggle a lot to find my feet, and I made a LOT of mistakes,

but fast forward to today and I am happily married to my wonderful
wife Erika (who is actually Brazilian, not Japanese, but that is a story
for another time) living with my 2 cats (Melon-kun and Pan-
chan)and I make a living helping people who want to, or who
already, live in the UK with their communication skills so that they
can build a better life, a fulfilling career, and stronger relationships in
their new environment.

Since April 2023, I have worked with over 100 people just like you
through my 1:1 coaching programmes so believe me when I say, I
have seen it all. I’ve learned so much about communication in the
last few years (and have experienced a lot of it from the side of a
language learner) that I have kinda become an expert.

My favourite thing about what I do is helping the people I work with

find their voice in English and break down language barriers that are
stopping them from living their best life. I love it when they realise
English is not the goal, it is just a tool to help you do cool stuff.

I give a taste of this stuff in my weekly podcast ‘BritSpeakPod’ that

you can find on all your favourite podcasting platforms (like Apple,
Google, Amazon, and Spotify) or you can watch the video version on
YouTube if you prefer.

There is also my website which has loads of articles full of advice for
English learners and people who want to live in the UK.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Because you signed up to get this resource, you will also be getting
weekly emails from me. I like to think they are engaging (because I
like to share my personal experiences and stories) useful (because
they are full of tips and advice) and inspiring (because that is what I
like to do). I will also be sharing my paid services with you too - so
you will be hearing about my courses and programmes in these
emails too.

If/when you are ready to take things further, I’d really love to help
you take your small talk skills to the next level with my online training
“Small Talk Success” where I will guide you through all the skills and
language you will need to get really comfortable breaking the ice
with native speakers. It will take the concepts in this guide and
expand on them at a deeper level. The training is available for $49

The next stage would be to get consistent practice communicating

in English with people and create a habit of trying new things and
learning from your mistakes. You will also be getting feedback on
your weak points so you know what to work on between sessions to
maximise your speaking time when you have the chance! This is
exactly what happens in my BritSpeak booster coaching
programme. It is a 12 week group programme that is available for
$297 (or 3 payments of $99)

Finally, for those of you who are ready to fully focus on your English
communication skills and work with me in a 1:1 programme that will
help remove the language barriers in your life so you can thrive in
the UK (or any other English speaking environment). BritSpeak
Success is a 6 month 1:1 coaching programme that attacks your
weak points and gives you a safe space to try new things and get
feedback on where you can improve. It is very limited, but is
available for $895 (or 6 payments of $149)

OK, enough said... Let’s get cracking.

8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Mistake #1: Assuming that no-one wants to speak to you.

I hear this all the time from people I work with. They feel that if they
approach native speakers, that they will be annoying that person.
That somehow the person they want to talk to will be angry about
being approached.

They assume that people don’t want to speak to them so they try to
avoid that situation. Well, you know what they say about
assumptions, don’t you? They make an ass out of you and me (this
is a pun on the word assume... Ass-u-me, right?)

The problem is that if you think this way, you are naturally going to
avoid trying to talk to new people unless they speak to your first. If
you never speak to new people, you are going to feel pretty isolated
and lonely. You are also going to miss out on loads of opportunities
to connect with people around you.

Not only that, this negative thought is creating unnecessary barriers

to communicating in English (which is already hard enough
sometimes, you know?) How are you supposed to make friends and
build relationships with all of these barriers in the way?!?

The good news is that you can take some simple steps to start
avoiding this problem moving forwards.

First of all, you have to challenge this negative thought when it

appears. Remind yourself that most people are generally open to
the idea of a conversation, especially in social settings. You are not
annoying anyone, and if the other person doesn’t want to talk, then
they saved you wasting your time on someone who doesn’t deserve
it!
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Secondly, you are going to need to build this social muscle slowly. It’s
a bit like going to the gym for the first time. You are not going to be
lifting all the weights. You’ve gotta build up to it and start small. The
same is true here.

You could start small and just try using simple greetings or
compliments to the people you meet to ease yourself into a
conversation. Just wish them a good morning and tell them you like
their t-shirt or something. You don’t need to start with some
philosophical debate! Get good at this and then build from there.

Finally, I would also advise you to get proactive. If you wait for people
to come to you, you might be waiting a long time. The world is not
going to come knocking on your door. Especially in the UK where us
Brits can be a bit reserved (at least until we have had a couple of
pints)

The truth is that most native speakers already have social circles
and don’t really think about actively making new friends. It’s not that
we don’t want to, it is more that we don’t need to. However, this is not
the case for most people who live in a new country. You need to
make the effort to connect with people as you are the one who
needs to make friends.

Pro Tip: The potential embarrassment of struggling with small talk

is nothing compared to the potential reward of making a new
connection, which might turn into a mate!

Just remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. So stop putting

yourself down and start connecting with the people you meet. It can
only lead to positive things in your life!
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Mistake #2: Interrupting or intruding on existing
conversations.

Imagine the situation, you are at a social gathering of some kind

and you spot a small group of people having a chat. They are
laughing and smiling, and generally look like they are having a great
time. Now, you probably want to get in on that action, right? That’s
cool, but it can lead to a really negative situation.

If you just walk over and barge into to their conversation and
interrupting their flow, they are probably not going to be too happy
about it. It will probably make the people their feel uncomfortable or
that you don’t really care about their feelings.

Pro Tip: Interrupting is not a bad thing. There are some cases in life
where you need to interrupt, like when someone has totally got the
wrong end of the stick or you don’t understand something.

However, you need to be careful with when and how you choose to
interrupt people because is can come across as being very rude,
and you probably know that us Brits are a bit sensitive to people
being rude to us.

I don’t want you to feel like you can’t interrupt existing conversations,
as it can be a great way to connect with more than one person at
once, but I want you to approach that situation in the correct way to
avoid any possible negative feelings.

First of all, you should pay attention to the conversation and wait for
a natural pause before deciding to get involved. Conversations
naturally slow down and this is when you should try to join in, not
when someone is in the middle of speaking.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Another thing you need to try and pay attention to is body language.
This will help you work out how engaged someone is in their
conversation. These cues will tell you if it is a good idea to join in or
not.

Finally, if you are going to join in on someone else’s conversation, it

might be a good idea to start with an apology for your interruption.
You know that us Brits love to apologise, right? Before you start
speaking you could try saying “Sorry for interrupting, but...”

These things will help you make connections with multiple people at
once, rather than pissing off multiple people at the same time.

Mistake #3: Being hard to follow

We have all encountered that kind of person that when they speak,
they organise what they want to say so badly, and they go off on so
many tangents, that after a few seconds, you have totally lost track
and you have no idea what the bloody hell they are going on about.

When you try and communicate with that kind of person, even in
your native language, it can be proper frustrating because it is too
hard to understand them so you can’t really engage with them
other than the occasional nod of your head and hoping they get to
the point sooner or later.

When this happens to me, I end up zoning out and just thinking
about something else, you know like what I am going to have for my
tea tonight, or deciding what I want to do this weekend. I end up with
zero interest in the conversation and honestly, I am probably looking
for an excuse to exit as soon as possible.

It doesn’t need to be this way though...

8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
First of all, make sure you don’t let your nerves get the better of you.
When you are nervous, you are likely to speak quickly, make
mistakes, and even mumble. These are all ways to ensure that the
listener is gonna struggle to follow what you are saying.

Instead of that, take a deep breath, and then make sure you speak
clearly and at a reasonable pace. Try to pronounce things as clearly
as you can and avoid speaking quickly or mumbling. It will not be
easy at first, but if you focus on these points, you will make progress
pretty quickly.

Next, I want you to take some of the pressure off of yourself.

Conversations with new people are not the place to be trying out
fancy words or advanced level grammar. It is not a speaking test.
Most native speakers are not interested in that kind of thing. Do you
know what we are interested in? Easy communication.

Pro Tip: It is TOTALLY FINE for you to simplify things. Use the
vocabulary, expressions, and way of speaking that you are most
comfortable with so you can communicate confidently.

You are in a difficult situation so don’t let your language anxiety

make it any worse! Finally, if you are worried that you are being hard
to follow, there is a simple technique you can use, that teachers like
me use all the time... You can check for understanding.

Every now and then you can check that people understand you are
saying with expressions like “right?” “you know?” and “isn’t it” (or innit?
if you are from the early 2000's)
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
The reaction to these kind of questions will let you know if they are
keeping up with you or not. If you get the impression that you have
lost them, ask them if they have any questions and take it from
there.

This is another skill that might take a while to master, but I talk about
lots of ways to do this in the small talk success workshop so be sure
to join us.

Mistake #4: Talking without having something to say

One of the scariest things about small talk is that awkward silence
that creeps in when neither person has anything to say. You kinda
just get swept up in it and end up feeling stuck. You want to escape,
but it’s hard to do that when you don’t have anything left to say.

The easiest way to find yourself in that situation is start a

conversation with someone when you don’t have anything to say.
Talking for the sake of talking is never going to end well. It will end up
feeling like you are not interested in the conversation and believe
me when I say, the other person will feel it too. These are the kind of
conversations you want to avoid!

Pro Tip: Try to have a couple of “emergency topics” prepared in

advance. If the conversation seems to be going tits up, you can use
them to get things back on track!

Another thing you should try is active listening. Really pay attention
to what they are saying and respond thoughtfully with your own
opinions or by asking follow up questions. This will lead you down
some conversational roads that you didn’t even know existed when
you started talking. It’s way more interesting that chatting about the
weather for the 100th time.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Finally, there are sometimes in a conversation that the silence is
actually not the end of the world. Sometimes a conversation needs
to breathe and it is not your job to fill each pause with mindless
chatter. A conversation is a two way street and it is a team effort. If
you are doing all the work, then probably the conversation is not the
best use of your time. Give the other person a chance to take the
lead for a while and see where you end up!

Mistake #5: Choosing the wrong topics.

In the UK, there are some topics that we really don’t like talking about
with people we meet. The list can be pretty long depending on the
situation you are in. If you try to bring these topics up at the wrong
time. you are likely going to make the person you are speaking to
feel pretty uncomfortable or even worse, offended.

A lot of these topics might be perfectly natural to talk about in your

own culture, but when you are in the UK, the rules are a bit different.
It can end up damaging any potential relationships and you are not
going to be able to make any connections under this dark cloud
that is looming over your heads. Think about it, if someone insults
you, chances are that you will not want to talk to that person, no
matter how much they try and change the topic.

To avoid this disaster of a situation you need to familiarise yourself

with cultural norms in the UK, or anywhere else for that matter. You
will need to do some research into what things are normal and
acceptable in the culture you are in. Don’t be surprised if there are
things that are totally different.

When I came to Japan, I spent a lot of time and energy questioning

why things were the way they are, because it was so different to
where I had come from.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter why things are that way, it
just matters that you understand that they are that way. Keep that
information in mind when communicating and you will be fine.

Pro Tip: Stick to topics which are a bit more “middle of the road”
when you first meet someone. They are universally relatable so
make great conversation starters.

Once you get to know the person you can start to go a bit deeper
when getting to know them, but you need to wait for the right time
but you need to start somewhere! A big part of the small talk
success training is discussing what topics are great when meeting
British people for the first time.

Finally, pay attention to how people react when you ask them
questions or bring up new topics. If they show (or express) any kind
of discomfort or disinterest, then that should be your sign to try and
move the conversation forward and steer the conversation in a new
direction.

Mistake #6: Being too formal or informal

One problem I always seem to find with the people I work with in my
1:1 coaching is that they are waaaaaay to formal in their regular
conversations. I totally understand why that is, but it doesn’t change
the fact that it is weird. If you are being really formal with someone in
a social situation, it makes you feel distant, cold, and kinda like you
are not interested in this conversation.

Social situations are all about warmth, getting closer, and breaking
the ice between you. You can’t do this if you are being too formal, as
it will feel like you are talking to someone who isn’t on your level.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
The same things can be said if things are the other way around. You
wouldn’t walk into a meeting with a new clients and be like “Ey up
mate, what’s cracking?” would you?

It’s all about choose the right communication style for the situation
you are in. This can be really difficult for non-native speakers of
English because they spend most of their time learning formal
English from their teachers and textbooks. However, it is really
important that you start getting to grips with this or you are going to
find it much harder to make new connections than it needs to be!

Pro Tip: If you are not sure, you should mirror the other people in the
conversation. If they are being informal, then you should do the
same! Learn to read the room!

You should also pay attention to the context of your interaction. If

you are in a pub or cafe, it is probably safe to assume that casual is
the way to go. However, if you find yourself in a job interview
situation, it should be pretty obvious that you should be using more
formal communication styles. It should be obvious, but you would be
surprised how many people (including native speakers) don’t get
this!

Finally, if you are really not sure, start in the middle and see how the
other person reacts. Pay attention to their facial expressions, body
language, and their responses. This should give you a good idea
about which way you should lean for the rest of the conversation. It’s
alright to adapt as you get deeper in to it!

The best tip I can give you is in the form of this idiom “When in Rome,
do as the Romans do.” Basically, if you are not sure, copy what the
others are doing!
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Mistake #7: Talking about yourself too much

A universal truth about humans is that we enjoy talking about

ourselves. It is just a part of our DNA. The best way to get someone
talking is to ask them questions about themselves and their feelings.
However, just like pizza, there is a limit to how much we can stand.
(The pizza limit is way higher though haha)

One of the reasons that I always found it a bit difficult to talk to a lot
of Americans that I meet is because in their culture, it is much more
common to talk about yourself, your achievements, and your strong
points. Where as in the UK, these things are much less common and
can be seen as being a bit arrogant. This is why understanding the
cultural norms of where you are is so important.

If I am talking to someone who will not stop talking about

themselves then you can be pretty sure that I don’t want to be in
that conversation for too long. It’s like they don’t want to talk to me,
they want to talk at me, and I am not about that kind of
conversation. However, the same can be true on the other side.

If someone spends the whole conversation asking me to talk about

myself and never talking about their own feelings or opinions, it can
seem like they are pushing me away or that they don’t want me to
get to know them. Just like everything in life, the sweet spot is
somewhere in the middle.

To find the right balance, we turn back to our old friend, the ability to
practice active listening. It is one of the most important skills you can
develop in English, especially for small talk success.

Pro Tip: Pay close attention to what the other person is saying and
show a genuine interest. Ask follow up questions and give your own
opinions about what is being said.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
Mistake #8: Wasting someone’s time

Some conversations are long, others are short. A conversation

should only ever be as long as it needs to be. One problem that I
encounter a lot is people trying to keep the conversation going after
it should have naturally ended. This usually happens in a couple of
different ways.

Either someone starts rambling and talking around in circles without

adding much new to the conversation or they start changing topics
randomly in the hope that they land on something that will re-ignite
the discussion.

In truth, both of those things result in the same thing. The person you
are speaking to getting bored and possible frustrated. British people
are well known for being polite, (at least sometimes anyway) but this
may be one of the easiest ways to get under their skin.

The best way to avoid this kind of situation is to be as concise as

possible (and yes I understand the irony of a British person telling
you not to beat around the bush) You don’t need to keep adding
extra, unnecessary details or go on long-winded tangents!

You should also try to be mindful of the other person’s time

commitments and keep things as brief as you need to based on the
situation.

Pro Tip: Body language is a great way to tell if you need to start
ending the conversation. If someone is looking at their watch or is
fidgeting in their seat, its time to wrap it up!

Always have an exit plan and be sure to wrap things up at the right
time to avoid leaving things open-ended or souring the whole
conversation at the last step.
8 Small Talk Mistakes
and How to Avoid Them
And that brings us to the end of the most common mistakes that
people make during small talk conversations. If you can learn to
avoid these pitfalls, you are one step closer to making new
connections and building better relationships.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. These are all things that you
shouldn’t do, but what about the things that will take you from a zero
to a small talk hero? Well that is what you will learn in my training
workshop “small talk success”

It will help you:

Gain the confidence to express yourself clearly and confidently in

any situation, which will lead to boosting your self-esteem and
personal satisfaction.

Feel empowered to embrace small talk and navigate new

interactions with people, enhancing your sense of belonging and
fulfilment.

Unlock new opportunities for personal and professional growth,

paving the way for a brighter, more fulfilling future, allowing you
to thrive in your new environment.

All this and more is waiting for you in my Small Talk Success
programme. Click the link below to join today.

SMALL TALK SUCCESS - Sign Up Here

Thanks again for reading this and I would love to hear your thoughts,
so send me an email or message on instagram! Good luck on your
small talk journey!