Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and

123. The One With the Birth Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a
Story by: David Crane & Marta Kauffman baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.
Teleplay by: Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.
Transcribed by: Mindy Mattingly Phillips (Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.
Opening Credits
[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, [Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the
Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]
waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.] Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.
Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's Carol: Let it go, Ross.
having my baby and she's not here. Susan: I got an extra one. You want this?
Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her (holds the candy in front of Ross' face)
water broke yet? Ross: (weakly) No.
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, (Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)
she said she had already passed the mucus Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite
plug. parenting team doing?
(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.) Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
Joey: Do we have to know about that? Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're
Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're
you have a baby? nine months pregnant. That's a good start.
Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, How you doing with your contractions?
handing out cigars. Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to party in my uterus.
have his baby in a movie from the 50's. Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55
Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be seconds.
giving birth in the cab. Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz,
Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two ha.
dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
cents for each additional contraction. Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're
a tasteless comment.) at the nurses' station.
Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it? Ross: I'll get it.
Chandler: You have to pick your moments. Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.
(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.) Ross: I got it—I'm getting it!
Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it? (They both leave just as Rachel enters the
Ross: She's not even here yet. room, holding a cup.)
Monica: What's with the guitar? Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice
Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for chips.
awhile. You know, things might get musical. Carol: Thanks.
(Carol and Susan arrive.) Rachel: And if you need anything else, I—
Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you (notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not
been? believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green.
Susan: We stopped at the gift shop. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Phoebe: (singing)
Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to
ex-wife's obstetrician. touch,
Rachel: Oh, that's funny! and soon they'll grow up and resent you so
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling much.
asleep on Monica's shoulder.] Now they're yelling at you and you don't
Monica: I want a baby. know why,
Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got you cry and you cry and you cry.
an early day tomorrow. And you cry and you cry and you cry...
Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some (Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)
coffee. Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.
Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that. Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, Phoebe: Ok.
watching the Knicks/Celtics game on (A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)
television.) Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute,
Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! cute.
Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too. Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How
(A young pregnant woman enters.) come they get two?
Lydia: Knick fan? Chandler: You'll get one.
Joey: Oh, yeah. Monica: Oh yeah? When?
Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck. Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When
Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's we're 40, if neither one of us are married,
pregnant)...whoa. what do you say you and I get together and
Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice have one?
shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
he was standing on a boat. Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant
Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like? hypothetically.
Lydia: The Celtics. Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be
Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat married when I'm 40?
if...wait. They suck, alright? Chandler: No, no, no.
Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding Monica: What is it? Is there something
year. You... waah! fundamentally unmarriable about me?
Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.
Hey, we need a father over here! We need a Monica: Well?
father! Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a
Lydia: There is no father. knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the
Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. chair he was sitting in)
Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh! (Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)
Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other Rachel: Hey.
pregnant women seem to be goin' in here. Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
Lydia: Ok. Monica: Did you go home and change?
(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.) Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau
a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there been by?
as well.] Monica: No, I haven't seen him.
Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to Ross: Breathe.
be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him? Susan: Breathe.
Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you Ross: Breathe.
and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a Susan: Breathe.
doctor? Carol: You're gonna kill me!
Rachel: Yeah, why? Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...
Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an Carol: Count faster.
'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes) Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're
[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on
Lydia is on the phone with her mother.] Jordie.
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?
not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the Susan: Your son.
guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named
(pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.
the phone, to Joey) Joey who? Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's
Joey: Tribbiani. first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.
Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what
Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the do you mean, back to Jordie? We never
phone. landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during
Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
Oh, no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah, Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp,
I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. leg cramp.
(Listens) Hello? Ross: I got it.
Lydia: She's not much of a phone person. Susan: I got it.
Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I
this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' get the cramps.
my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, Susan: No, you don't.
you know? Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you
Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your out.
views on fatherhood? Uh, no. Ross: Why?
Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go. Susan: He started it!
Lydia: Maybe you should. Ross: No, you started it.
Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? Susan: You did!
(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.) Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person
Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? out of my body here, and you're not making it
They let the players run the team. any easier.
Lydia: Oh, that is so not true. Ross: But...
Joey: Oh, it is. Carol: Now go!
Lydia: It isn't. Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.
Joey: It is. Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.
Lydia: Isn't! Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...
[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan Carol: Out!
are coaching Carol.] (Ross and Susan both angrily leave the
Ross: Breathe. hopsital room.)
Susan: Breathe.
[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone
Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going
in her room as well.] to break down the door, but steps in a bucket
Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe... and falls) Ow.
Lydia: Oh, no. [Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau
(Joey looks down at Lydia.) are there with her.]
Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded! Carol: Are they here yet?
Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't
down, will you? worry, because we are going to find them, and
Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you until we do, we are all here for you, ok?
mean? What's that, water breaking? Carol: Ok.
Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe. Rachel: Ok?
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.] Carol: Ok.
Ross: Please. This is so your fault. Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you
Susan: How, how is this my fault? were telling me about Paris, it sounds
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a fascinating.
room before you came along. Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this
Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol great little pastry shop right by my hotel.
never did before I came along. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau
Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady? casually lay her back down) There you go,
Susan: You know what your problem is? dear.
You're threatened by me. [Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her
Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you? deliver.]
Susan: Yes. Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push!
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder.
down the hall, taking them into a broom Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get
closet.) that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho.
Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in Let's— (notices the nurse looking at him
here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't strangely) I was just—yeah, right. Push! Push!
believe you. There are children coming into [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up
the world in this very building and your a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]
negative fighting noises are not the first thing Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door
they should be hearing. So just stop all the open?
yelling, just stop it! Ross: Help! Help!
Ross: Yeah, Susan. Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the
Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't very next day, they found their bodies the
like my voice like this. very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her)
(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door la la la la la la.
is locked.) Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!
Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something [Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the
ironic? phone with her mother, Chandler is standing
Commercial Break behind her.]
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine,
trying to get out.] really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh,
All: Help! he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's
gone. (Listens) No no, you don't have to fly
back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?
might be your only chance? (Listens) Would Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?
you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking Lydia: No, this is a loaner.
about babies yet. Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a
puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did
Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it you see who won the game?
resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.) Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
Chandler: Where have you been? Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.
Joey: Oh, just had a baby. (Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to
Chandler: Mazel tov! the knob. Then he walks away, holding the
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. hand of an inflated balloon animal he had
Franzblau have gone to get coffee.] brought.)
Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to
could be three, but relax, she's doing great. open the door with a credit card, with no
So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with success.]
anyone? Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit,
Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your
no, I'm not. Are you? fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get day of my life, y'know? My son is being born,
women to go out with me. and I should be in there, you know, instead of
Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute stuck in a closet with you.
doctors. Susan: The woman I love is having a baby
Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's today. I've been waiting for this just as much
because I spend so much time, you know, as you have.
where I do. Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been
Rachel: Oh. waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And
Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect you know what the funny thing is? When this
my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do day is over, you get to go home with the
what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
do you do? Susan: You get to be the baby's father.
Rachel: I'm a waitress. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I?
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day,
times when you come home at the end of the there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
of coffee'... Phoebe: This is so great.
Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha. Ross: You wanna explain that?
Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was
friend. growing up, you know my dad left, and my
Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out) mother died, and my stepfather went to jail,
[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is so I barely had enough pieces of parents to
walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but make one whole one. And here's this little
before he enters he sees that the baby's father baby who has like three whole parents who
has arrived. He listens at the door.] care about it so much that they're fighting
over who gets to love it the most. And it's not (Ross and Susan run to the delivery room,
even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot
you were fighting. your legs!
[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give [Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]
birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, All: Push, push!
Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.] Ross: We're here!
Carol: Where are they? Carol: (irked) Where have you been?
Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon. Ross: Long story, honey.
Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this. Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to
Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. keep pushing. I need—(reaches for an
And the baby's at zero station. instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me,
Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening could I have this?
me. Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too
(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs many people in this room, and there's about
Chandler by the shirt.) to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-
Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!
rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of All: Good luck!
him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) (Everyone heads for the door.)
Anybody seen a nipple? Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you
Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
we go. Nurse: Out!
Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing. Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here
Carol: But they're not here yet! he comes.
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh,
to wait for them. a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you
Carol: Oh, god. doing this?
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!
broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're
Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to doing fine.
go up in the vent.] Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to
Ross: Ok, got the vent open. Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the Susan: What do you see? What do you see?
uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we
It's Ben... to the rescue! got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers,
Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy,
foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and
That's it, Ben. feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.
(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.) Susan: Oh, look at that.
Susan: What do you see? Carol: What does he look like?
Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.
a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent. Carol: Really?
(A janitor opens the closet door from the Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You
outside.) guys, he's beautiful!
Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open! Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!
(They look up towards the vent and wave at (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like
Phoebe.) this. (returns)
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding (Chandler comes into the picture.)
the infant.] Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to
Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a
for this little guy. baseball sign.)
Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben? (The rest of the group come into the picture.)
Susan: I like Ben. Monica: He is so amazing.
Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.
never mentioned Ben before? Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think
Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up. that's his name.
Susan: That's what we were off doing. Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes.
(Monica opens the door.) (screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his
Monica: Hi. eyes. (picture comes back)
Ross: Hey. Joey: He doesn't do much, does he?
Monica: Can we come in? Ross: No, this is pretty much it.
(The whole gang enters.) (long moment of silence)
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?
there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. All: Yeah.
This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody. Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later.
Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you. (They all leave but Ross, but they all come
Susan: Thanks. back a few seconds later. They make faces at
Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us the baby.)
actually has one of these. Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.
Chandler: I know, I still am one of these. (The screen fades to black.)
Monica: Ross, can I? End
(Monica holds Ben.)
Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...
Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm
your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt
Monica. I...I will always have gum.

Closing Credits
[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as
though it were Ben's eyes.]
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may
be some times when I may not be around, like
this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still
always come back, like this. (returns) And
sometimes I may be away longer, like this.