Midlife Challenges

and Self-compassion
for Women
Take a breath and
make time for yourself.
STAGES OF A
WOMAN’S LIFE

Biologically, a woman will typically go through

the following five stages across lifetime:
• Infancy
• Puberty (adolescence)
• Sexual Maturation (reproductive age)
• Climacteric Period (midlife)
• Post-climacteric Years (elderly)

(Takeda, 2010)

This booklet will focus on women’s climacteric

period, i.e., midlife, to highlight the multiple
challenges women face in this transition
period and share some self-compassion tips
for women to take good care of physical and
mental wellbeing in this phase of life.
Women’s unique challenges in the contemporary world

Women’s evolutionarily caring ability may have equipped them

with higher social-emotional sensitivity but could have put them
at a higher risk of emotional issues having to survive in the jungle of
the fast-paced modern world. It is also evident that emotional issues,
such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder, are
more prevalent in women, though men are more likely to develop
addiction issues such as drug abuse and alcohol dependence. This
is not to imply that either gender is superior or inferior, but just to
acknowledge the existence of gender differences in response to stress.
By powerful shaping of nature and nature, men and women have their
unique sets of challenges across different life stages.

Juggling among different social roles and trying to balance family and
career in midlife, women may have the tendency or even be expected by
others or the social-cultural norms to put others’ needs at the expense
of their own. When things go awry, they may internalize the problem and
criticize or blame themselves. On top of the psycho-social stressors are
the physical and emotional turmoil of the menopause, which places extra
challenge to women’s wellbeing in midlife. Therefore, it is important for
women in midlife to be compassionate towards themselves and attend
to their own needs.
CULTIVATING
SELF-COMPASSION
Self-compassion is befriending yourself
According to Dr Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of
self-compassion research and co-founder of Mindful
Self-Compassion programme, self-compassion is

“When we suffer, caring for ourselves

as we would care for someone
we truly love.”

She further breaks down Research shows that high level of

self-compassion into self-compassion is associated with
three core elements: • more positive mental state
• less negative mental state
1) Mindful Awareness • better coping with chronic illness
Be mindfully aware of and • more pro-health behaviours
acknowledge the stressful • more motivated to learn and grow
experience as it is, neither • less burnout or compassion fatigue
denying nor amplifying
the negative.
The following pages highlights
2) Common Humanity the unique challenges women
Understand that experiencing face in midlife and provides some
stress is part of being human. self-compassion tips in response
Any woman of your age with to these challenges.
similar background undergoing
similar situation will probably
feel the same way as you do.

3) Self-Kindness SPIRITUAL
CHALLENGE

Treat yourself with kindness.

Offer yourself kind and OCCUPATIONAL SOCIAL
supportive words or actions, CHALLENGE CHALLENGE

just as how you would treat

PHYSICAL MENTAL
a dear friend who is going CHALLENGE CHALLENGE

through a similar struggle

in life. EMOTIONAL
CHALLENGE
PHYSICAL
CHALLENGE
Women’s multiple psycho-social stressors
andtendency to internalise problems may
cause them to experience stress in the form
of somatic symptoms (such as physical
tension and pain). Physiological and
hormonal changes during menopause
may also lead to various unpleasant
symptoms (such as hot flashes
and night sweats) and cause
sleep disruption.

Potential issues: How could you care for

Menopausal symptoms, yourself physically?
somatization, insomnia Can you think of different ways to
release the tension and stress that
builds up in your body?

Physical self-compassion tips:

Engage in relaxing activities Sleep hygiene
E.g., progressive muscle • Maintain a regular
relaxation exercise, bedtime schedule
diaphragmatic beathing exercise,
• Keep bedroom cool
yoga, Pilate, massage, warm
and well-ventilated
bath, have a cup of tea/coffee, etc.
• Wear loose clothing to bed
Healthy eating • Avoid caffeine before bedtime
• Regular mealtime • Regular exercise but not
• Avoid certain food that right before bedtime
may cause sweating
(such as spicy food)
EMOTIONAL
CHALLENGE
Women’s multiple roles in the family
and at workplace may increase their
risk to experience burnout, affecting
mood and emotional wellbeing.
Physiological and hormonal changes
during menopause may also lead to
frequent fluctuations in mood. It may
even develop into depression if the
low mood persists.

Potential issues: How could you care for

Burnout-related depression, yourself emotionally?
menopausal depression Is there something different you
would like to try?

Emotional self-compassion tips:

Engage in self-soothing/comforting activities

E.g., pet the dog/cat/small animals, journaling, cooking,
aroma therapy, walking in nature, etc.

Accept negative feelings

• Identify and validate your own feelings in a gentle and understanding
voice, e.g., “oh, this is frustration.”
• Be open and allow your feelings to exist, instead of resisting/avoiding/
rejecting the feelings, e.g., “though I don’t like it, it’s ok to feel it.”
• Understand that there is no right or wrong feeling. Every feeling has
a hidden message. Read the hidden message and take helpful action
for yourself, e.g., anger usually means you are not happy with the
situation or being treated unfairly.
• Understand the transient nature of feelings, seeing emotions
come and go as waves and believing that “it will pass eventually.”
MENTAL
CHALLENGE
Women’s multiple responsibilities and tendency
to internalise problems may put them at higher
risk of self-criticism or self-blame, especially
when things go wrong. This may lead to their
constant rumination over the past wrongdoings
and excessive worry about future negative
outcomes. It may even develop into anxiety
if the mental agitation persists.

Potential issues: How could you care for your mind?

Negative thinking pattern, Is there a different way you would like
worry, rumination, anxiety to try to let your thoughts come and
go more easily, especially when you are
under stress?

Mental self-compassion tips:

Reduce mental agitation
Train the mind to focus on one pleasant thing to do at a time,
e.g., practice mindfulness meditation, watch a funny movie,
read an inspiring book, etc.

Relate to negative thoughts differently.

• See your thoughts as passing mental events. Allow them to come
and go as passing clouds in the sky or floating leaves on the stream.
• Reflect on truthfulness and helpfulness of your thought. If it is not
true or not helpful, drop the thoughts. You do not have to follow them.
• Write your thoughts down to get them out of your mind.
You may notice your unhelpful thoughts or thinking patterns
more easily when you write them down.

Positive reframing
Reinterpret a negative or challenging situation in a positive light
or search for silver lining in a negative or challenging situation.
It could help balance the negative thinking.
SOCIAL
CHALLENGE
While juggling multiple social roles (mother, daughter,
wife, worker, caregiver, and more), women may become
“superwomen” but easily overlook their social-emotional
needs and even experience social alienation or isolation.
Depending on the family cycle, women may also
experience sadness and loss after all children leave home,
or experience caregiver fatigue if they are the primary
caregiver for sick parents.

Potential issues: How could you care

Superwomen syndrome, for yourself socially?
empty-nest syndrome, caregiver When and how do you relate to
stress for elderly parents others that brings you genuine
happiness?

Social self-compassion tips:

Connect with others
• Put in effort to maintain social bonds and ties with others,
e.g., meeting with friends, sending a birthday card, playing sports
and games together, etc.
• Establish a routine of activities to keep socially active,
e.g., community and volunteering activities.
Express and share your concerns with someone you trust
• This is not to get the problem fixed, but to get emotional support
from the person. Sometimes what you need may be just a listening ear.
• Conversely, be a listening ear when someone reaches out to you.
Listen with empathy. Do not rush into fixing the problem for the
person.
Seek help from others when needed
• It is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a strength to know your
limits well and know when to seek help
• Be open to “receive” help from others, so you can “give” help
to others in future.
OCCUPATIONAL
CHALLENGE
With the impact of menopause and decreased
stamina due to aging, midlife professional
women may have to work harder with longer
hours to keep up with the pace and
demandsat workplace, not to mention
the additional pressure if they want to
maintain an upward trajectory either
in professional development or in
climbing the corporate ladder.

Potential issues: How could you care

Lack of work-life balance, for yourself at work?
job burnout Is there something different you
would like to try at work?

Occupational self-compassion tips:

Set healthy boundary
• Set physical boundary by separating work and living areas
if you need to work from home.
• Set time boundary by following a regular work schedule and/
or set a limit to knocking-off time, regardless of working in office
or working from home.
• Set psychological boundary by training the mind to rest fully while
you are physically away from work, e.g., through mindfulness training.
Adjust expectations and priorities
• Lower expectations at work and re-connect with what
is important to you in life.
• Prioritise and make time for what is important to you, e.g., spend
more time with family if family is more important, or spend more
time on exercise if health is more important.
Kind actions towards self
• Say “No” assertively and negotiate unreasonable workload
or timeline at work
• Take regular breaks at work, e.g., take a walk in nature,
or look at greenery nearby
SPIRITUAL
CHALLENGE
Midlife is a transition period of identity and may
affect self-confidence in women due to various
bio-psycho-social changes. Women may feel intense
depression, anxiety, and even emptiness or remorse
if they perceive lack of purpose and accomplishment
in life. This may trigger a strong desire to make drastic
changes to their current life, so “midlife crisis” could
also be called “midlife awakening”, awakening
to spirituality1.

Potential issues: What could you do to

Midlife crisis care for yourself spiritually?
If you have been neglecting your
spiritual growth, is there anything
you would like to do differently?

Spiritual self-compassion tips:

Nurture your values
• Identify your topmost important values,
e.g., authenticity, generosity, helpfulness, etc.
• Examine to what extent your current behaviour
or lifestyle is consistent with your values.
• Reflect on internal and external barriers to act
in accordance with your values.
• Identify and commit to actions that help overcome
the barriers and live a value-consistent life.
• Regularly check in and steer back to a
value-consistent life if it goes off track.
Cultivate gratitude
• Appreciate what you already have, instead of constantly
focusing on the gap between what you should have and
what you do not have.
• Start a gratitude journal and count 10 blessings at the
end of a day, a week, or a month.
1
Take note that spirituality does not only apply to people with religion. Spirituality
is a universal human experience that involves a search for meaning in life.
Mini-Exercise: Take a self-compassion break

This self-compassionate break (Neff & Germer, 2018) is a way to

remind yourself to apply the three core elements of self-compassion
when difficulty arises in your life. You may find your own words, and
then talk to yourself in a gentle and validating voice.
If something bothers you or you are in a stressful situation,
pause and feel the discomfort in your body.

1. Mindful Awareness
First, be mindful of your difficult experience.
Fully acknowledge and validate your struggle or distress.
You may say to yourself:
“This is a moment of distress/struggle/suffering.”
“This is stressful/tough/difficult.”

2. Common humanity
Second, remind yourself that as human beings we
all experience distress some way or another in our life.
You may say to yourself:
“I’m not alone feeling this way.”
“Any woman of my age and background in my circumstance may
also feel/struggle/experience in this way, just like me.”

3. Self-kindness
Last, remember to be kind, not harsh, to yourself. Support yourself
with kind words or actions, just as how you would support a dear
friend in a similar situation.
You may say to yourself:
“May I be kind/gentle/easy to myself.”
“May I give myself a warm hug”, and then offer a big hug to yourself.

References:
Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way
to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive (Illustrated ed.). The Guilford Press.

Panchal, S., Palmer, S., O’Riordan, S., & Kelly, A. (2017). Stress and wellbeing: A lifestage model.
International Journal of Stress Prevention and Wellbeing, 1(5), 1-3. Retrieved from:
http://www.stressprevention.net/volume/volume-1-2017/volume-1-article-5/

TAKEDA, Y. (2010). Understanding the Life Stages of Women to

Enhance Your Practice. Japan Medical Association Journal, 53(5), 273–278.
https://www.med.or.jp/english/journal/pdf/2010_05/273_278.pdf
An Undefeated Mind

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