Letiția Despina

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Letiția Despina

+
Ola Korbańska – design
Lea Rasovszky – artworks

SuperTimeBooks
Copenhagen, 2021
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6
I really like how the initials of our names spell LOL.
The roots go deep.

7
8
2/
L: Some things just are. Like you writing me, and me (not
knowingly) waiting for you to do so.
If they would make a dictionary of actual meaning of
interesting words but without using actual words, we might
find ourselves as a small hand-drawn icon.

9
3/
L: Me as a small hand-drawn icon would also look more like
I feel cause the artist would draw my lip too close to my nose
and it would seem more of a moustache than a mouth.

4/
L: A strong nose is a sign of power, or are you calling the ancient
greeks silly? That would make an excellent conversation starter:
hei, do you want to see my upper lip in a book?
I mean, how many people can actually say that? How many
people are in close contact with their face or any other part of
their bodies, as a matter of fact?
Speaking of that, but not really. I always wanted to know: how
come you write?

5/
L: Some people are silly. And some people are Greek. Surely
that makes some Greeks silly. I’m silly and I’m only <0.3 Greek.
But the outlet for silly and sad and too much and not enough
has been writing. It’s how I keep alive and sometimes amused.
And since we’re at this bit of difficult questions, I always
wanted to hide and show (at the same time) my extreme fasci-
nation with you, how come you’re so cool? How come you write
and draw and make stuff that kill me and then they also bring
me to life again?

10
6/
L: Where would we be without this magical silliness?
Let’s never answer that.

I saw this in your writing, this is why it’s clear we belong to

the same odd garden, a couple of neighboring night berries
looking over all the other purple carrots. Doing things that
keep you alive and sometimes amused, doing things that
tell you more about your-self, doing it all straightforward
and if a twitch happens, you’ll just pretend it’s contempo-
rary dance... If i’m cool then you’re cool. I just decided a long
time ago that I’ll only do what I want to do because there’s no
happiness otherwise, there are no deep breaths otherwise,
there is no deep ocean otherwise.
I would rather have it raw than perfect, any damn day.

A couple of night berries, I tell ya.

11
estoy arta
destar buena

12
passing trains
freeze people
popsicles on the side of the tracks
waving observing being observed

a child on the edge of their slide

caught in the act of freezing
by an eye they paused to catch

(I know that we are not new)

13
that sunday we talked so little
I didn’t feel like talking

and I still kept thinking

why isn’t he talking to me
when I wasn’t doing any of the talking myself

and then I went home

and felt sick
and lied down
in silence
couldn’t say a word
not even pour water

and then I got hungry

so I foetused myself
pretzeled myself
doggoned myself
on that couch
just to forget about it

14
and I couldn’t
my mind was racing
and the only solace
was in some little confessional
to myself
which started to trickle out of me
and I felt brighter and lighter
like an incontinent senile creature

break down these walls

girls who feel a lot are psychos
boys who feel a lot better not show it

someone turn off that fire alarm

15
 I’ll try anything once

16
again
17
I remember the earthquake of ’86
I was too young
to remember
but I do

I was drooling over

this toy boy
made in china
it could crawl on all fours
and i could drool over it

I remember the carpet moved

I remember that carpet very well

cause everyone had the same one
till we all changed them in 1999
to oval ones in dire tones
and edgy geometrical patterns

when that carpet moved

when the building jolted back and forth
a few times
it burned a blurry image
into my memory:
toy boy slowly slipping away
then coming back
some kind of inertia

18
pushing me
after him
away from him

the earth was shaking with certainty

in 1986
in 2019
I’m shaking
too

if this was a triptych I’d be banned

for being
cyclically
aesthetically
technically
incorrect

but it’s not

so who cares

who cares
it was easier drooling over
toy boys
than boy toys?

we’ll always have inertia.

19
1/
enough is not enough

2/
I’m a dancing boat with no mouth just
eyes

3/
maybe I’m in love with you

20
4/
small things that turn big when
needed:

umbrellas
breasts
penes
uteri
buns
(unfinished)

21
brain wave
wave goodbye
bye, sam.
sambody
bodthered
by
boreal
surreal
monkeys
like me

22
a three-finger
buzz off

- a little
bit more
realistic

(good carpenter)

23
 subtitle:
how dip is your love?

24
25
#tnmt
splinter
was like a father
he wasn’t an asshole
like sphincter

orientation

26
this orange breasted robin
and I
make eye contact
seem like doughnuts

a pair of scissors for my friend

with a running nose

27
28
angel boy
who is that?

I say I’m just hanging out

with my pet hamster
when he asks
how is your evening?
who asks
how is your evening
as innocently
as angel boy?

29
I like everything

I like looking at people’s ears

up close
when no one knows I’m looking

we’re the same

with ears
and noses
and spleen

but the spleen is common

shared
when someone gets rid of a piece of it
somebody else takes it up

the edge of the wood

what is it?
where is it?

I like all I see and I can’t stop looking

30
paintball more like
painball

31
a number of approximately 120 romanians
participating in a christening party
hosted at a restaurant
in the north-east of Spain
have left the locale,
suddenly,
without paying the bill,
said the owner,
quoted by the BBC.

the patrons,
who had previously paid a deposit of 900 euros,
left the El Carmen restaurant in Bembibre
a few seconds before the dessert,
declared the owner,
Antonio Rodriguez.

“It all happened in the course

of a minute,
It was something planned
and they left running”,
added the Spanish owner. ¹

¹ translated from:
https://www.news.ro/entertainment/120-de-romani-au-fugit-dintr-un-restaurant-din-spania-in-
grup-fara-sa-achite-nota-de-plata-1922401102002017031916822188

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Restaurantul El Carmen din Bembibre (image: Google Maps)

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1/
wanna go back to my place and see
my collection of contradictions?

2/
for a little while we were the post-
coital definition of cool

3/
why does it exist in my head how
I exist in other people’s heads?

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I saved my life from the living death

I escaped
couples vacation
boring strolling
with a conversation
sticking up my ass

with a permanent feeling of senselessness

that I cannot justify
and only makes me more loathsome
to myself

why can’t I just be happy

x 100

and those glimpses of something better

something nicer
covering the bald patches
of uncomfortable restlessness

but never fully

never fully
nothing
ever
fully
ever

36
only the comfort of that familiar
uncomfortable
restlessness

a friend

who can push me so far into it

that I may want to jump out

37
I tried using tinder.
I never went on a date.
I never advanced my curiosity
beyond the first lines exchanged
(what’s wrong with me)

then I completely stopped using it

when my handsome downstairs neighbour
appeared on screen
check
mating
me
into not being able to swipe
either way

am I mo-ing without the fo?

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this will sound like I was trying too hard

the state of despair

is a state of repair

you dont know it till it’s done

but bbygurl when you’re done cryin’
you’re done lyin’ (to yourself )

here you can tell I haven’t even tried

39
goodboy + fuckboy = love fogy cook bud boy
fogy cook dub boy
goofy duck booby fogy kudo coy bob

goofy duck by boo foky gudo coy bob

goofy buck boy do fogy book cud boy

goofy bock buy do fogy book coy bud

goofy cook bud by fooky bog bud coy

goofy cook dub by
goofy book cud by fogy book coy dub
fogy book cod buy

fogy duck boy boo

focky dug boo boy

fogy dock buy boo

fogy dock you bob
bog fock you body

dogy fuck boy boo

goody focky bubo

fogy bock buoy do

fogy cook bud boy fooky buc boy dog

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41
we don’t have to be constantly reasonable
as long as we can admit
we’re not

from time
to time

maybe being wise is acknowledging

when you no longer can resort
to wisdom

42
always choose the upper bed

they wipe their boots on the

lower one
43
cleaning is a kind of painting

the dirtier it is the more you pain

you pain with a t
kind pain

44
floating over marshland sights
with a body at rest
comfortably fitted on a train
and determined to stay
in the now

with trees in bloom

my pace skips
beats of songs
flowers
I am full of feeling
I feel it all
no more
just all

everything that is
now
and
here

even Knabstrup
has its glory

45
I’m not judging you
I’m making remarks
from this place where it seems
I know better

it’s a solid place

the walls are standing
I put them there

46
I’m ok to lose my head but
i can’t stand to lose my hat

47
 (can we at least choose the one that’s more fun?)

48
I’m loving all over you
and living all over you

let’s make a contact contract

one touch too much

I’m leaving
(all over you)

49
branches,
you keep the raindrops from falling

50
I was hiding
under a tree
with leaves that looked like palms
like hands

with fingers that can

invite
or deny
or make everything seem ok again

Monica Vitti’s hands

a mother’s hands
the hands that hold the laughter in their palms
the hands that nuzzle the eyelids
wet from the last downpour of tears

the hands that hold my forehead above my chin

as if they’re saying
watch out for that train
it’s actually a love from long ago
in disguise

51
I don’t want a boyfriend
I want a relationship
in the human connection pipeline
that is half peaceful boredom
half brouhaha

doesn’t have a name

just happens

(and you can take a little care of me

just until I feel my chest again)

52
I was bare-legged on the way home
four degrees and raining
It didn’t bother me at all
at all

maybe I am bear-legged
I trap the heat inside
I trapped the sun inside
like Camus trapped summer
like a camel traps water

bear
Camus
camel
toe

53
getting old is but an instant
that instant it takes to finish your breakfast

- during which time you heard a good story you laughed at

maybe had some muesli
an apple
a coffee with too much sugar -

and then one day you look down at your hands

- the same hands that held the spoon to your muesli

or the apple to your core
or the laughter to your mouth -

and you get scared

you don’t recognize your own hands
you go to the mirror and you don’t recognize the mirror

(you are in someone else’s house)

54
55
I die sometimes
in that old old park
where we once twice said goodbye for good
for worse
for butter on toast for breakfast

full of trees and ice and nine times see you never

something doesn’t tell me I will love you forever

cause what is that thought
on top of that feeling?

(it’s like whipped cream on top of cocoa

looks good just for a second

and then it
sinks)

56
 morirvivir.

in another life
you must’ve been my dog
or, perhaps, I, yours

the way we look at each other

involves a lot of
fetching

57
let me see, I begged
I never beg
roman pride
or turkish delight
heavy on the honey
sweet-toothed baby
grinning from the other side
with scary milk teeth
where their closed mouth should be

(I should’ve never come)

58
I looked for the moon
tonight
in desperation
I cursed at all the clouds
that didn’t let me see it
I cursed at them
and didn’t see how beautiful they were
I was looking for the moon

temporary absence
from my present state
induces drowsiness
and a larger
appetite
for destruction

59
sentimental could
very well be
a chain of expensive
hotels

with moisture in the rooms

and ugly chandeliers

or a brand of sausages
made of soy

sentimental
could be
a blueberry pie
served too late

60
this solitude
hangs down on me
like an infant cat
placed on the high end of the drapes
by a bored household member
below the mental age of 8:

awkwardly, but not without clue

61
stay here tomorrow
because I
might come by.

it is nothing of
the mind that this has to do with
nor of the heart

millions of atoms are dispersed

every time I
feel of you.

and if my heart was a stomach I

‘d stop eating.

mercy, I
think it’s alright
now for handshakes
and we can travel on clouds together I
dream of you
bit by bit like I

62
am puttin back together
a broken picture
from some autumn ago and I
think it will be long
time till we see the sunrise
together

maybe it will be today and not tomorrow

my favorite name for a present.

space lifts have been invented

and there you’ll climb up on rays
use them for a disguise
put a ray on your shoulder
and a bucket for a buck
for a bu
fo
fo
fo no problem camarado.

63
64
I take stories away from ones who laugh out loud
I take sorries away from ones who lol

nou is the french way to say no

it boiled under the caring anticipation
of the girl with the longest hair

I know one who steals bricks

she’s a bricktrickster

you must be sure of your provenience

it’s kind of like the remains of your mother
in a decorated glass jar
that she never inherited
because she was never born
and in your grandma’s museum

65
you would never go beyond those
limits

they’re under

piles of dread
pillows of PED
pillars of bread

I must leave now for a day of guilt

in the woods,
they make slim hawks dance
in the rains of their ancestors.

66
67
if you’re by the table
you can tell yourself
“bon appetit”
or
“good rice”
and
“good riddance”

even when you’re feeling bad

either from too much food

or that loneliness
that crept
under your skin

you like your skin

you like it like this
a little bit fallen off the muscle
sliding down the bone
you like it anyway
even if it’s not the softest
or even when it’s too soft

you don’t like

that all you can imagine
is that there is someone
out there

68
who would say
“yuck”

69
I don’t know where
I’m writing from

the walls are white

and there’s no chance
we could hurry them away
from here

we are frightened
frayed
but not frauded
I don’t know
we are just I
me I don’t now
myself I don’t ow
(and the plural
keeps me warm) (anymore)
we sit on the floor
listening to our voices
hit the ceiling

70
and I went head in
with ruling planets in retrograde
or were they in gatorade?

71
(someone got attacked by optimism)
(someone got attacked by vicarious
narcissim)

all I see when I look at you

is my image of you

all I see when I look at my image of

you
is you

you’re a scatological liar

and me
I’m a bullshit acquisition vice president
and the CEO of “I really saw that coming” inc.

72
73
1/
I don’t really smoke
only when I ride motorcycles
with my friends

2/
no skaters
no aquarians
no drummers

no drama

(self-care list, unfinished)

74
3/
wipe, wipe, wax and grin
your soul is ugly
but your shoes are clean

75
 BRAVE

76
speaking of lice,
why do you look so
lonely?

she’s probably suffering from

artisthritis

77
I believe the mirror
is showing me, me

and I am supposed to
believe this is me

cause you do judge a book by its cover

why else would they hire
people with skills
to make them in the first place?

it’s the deal we have

we believe the mirrors
fall in love for looks
judge the covers of books
confuse chemistry with kismetry

there’s no word
for people like us
but people

78
79
I got ghost-limbed
this morning
I wasn’t even thinking about you
but all of a sudden
felt the weight of your leg
wrapping around mine
(I’m sure it was yours
its weight is fixed in my senses)

there’s a window of love

when legs wrap around each other
and bodies fit so well together
and all that weight on one another
feels light

it was just this

we fit
together
well
for a second
or two
and
it was
beautiful
and
my body
remembers

80
your body
and
recalls it
for
no
good
reason

81
 — I keep
the overhead light on
when I wish you were here
to squabble

— Whereas it seems I’m trying to forget

anyone who is not
suffocatingly in my life right now

82
we grew up on different lands
with different wild animals
where you’re from
you don’t even have wild animals
not the frightening ones
anyway

I was always afraid of bears

even though
I never met a single one

it’s the only reasonable fear I have

83
84
will burt mccredie ever like me?
- a google search by letitia despina

it gave no satisfactory results

and it seems like I developed stronger feelings
even in the recent absence of his touch

I wrote him this message

that I don’t dare send
because I keep my hope on life support

I like you a lot burt

so leave me alone
if you don’t really want me

don’t come near

don’t touch my hand not even by accident
don’t ask me where will I sleep tonight
and never ever look at me like that

85
nervous
about
this
imminent
disaster
meeting
of our eyes

because I just realised

listening to a song I didn’t like
that those ridiculous
stomach butterflies
have all flown away

or maybe have died

everyone knows
butterflies don’t live so long
and birds can’t move their eyes

86
sleep together
once
twice
three times’ a charm
the screeching of breaks
this is your stop

so now
we should be pals
same as before
minus
seeing each other naked

- maybe I look one way with clothes on

and when I take them off
I am actually some
fucking doorknob son
of jabba the hutt
and a screw bolt
conceived during
a kind of eclipse -

but soon comes laughter

of course I’m not like jabba

he doesn’t give second chances
(as han solo found out himself )

87
I didn’t even want to smoke
but I was very nervous for about half an hour
wearing such a dress as I was

I lost it
maybe someone took it
I don’t know

and stine said “don’t worry about it

she bought it last october
and when she mentions it
just tell her
it was dry, there was nothing left, get over it”

I was probably not nervous because of the dress

but because of the boy
whom I liked beyond the edge of my seat
and I felt I had to meet soon
and strip our relationship of all the
golden stars I had left on his fridge

88
so I met him
the next day

it went fine
to be honest

and when I got home

you asked me about your tobacco
and I told you with a grin
“it was dry, there was nothing left, get over it”

and you had a grin too

the kind panthers get
when their face muscles twitch
and you took a breath that wasn’t deep
but it was punctuating something
and said

“this thing
you had
with this boy”

then you paused again and looked away

(you have dramatic timing
and I love you very much)

89
“it was dry, there was nothing left, get over it”

and I laughed
and you laughed
(I even snorted
which made me laugh even harder)
and when we laugh we forget
we want to cry over something

and I hope he’s laughing too

90
91
cherries
you eat them fast
pick them from the tree directly
that’s best
you eat spit repeat

when your stomach starts to feel uneasy

you keep eating
that’s how you eat cherries

you only stop when you’ve got to go inside

and use the toilet

then you throne on the bed

and flick through the tv channels
while holding the rumbles
with the other hand

your mom she owns a tv

flatscreen
big
hung on the wall
classy

you flick through

92
like in the good ol’ days
looking for cartoons
or some show about animal rescues
and find the ambiental channel
water under a bridge
birds chirping
lush meadows

it seems so real you stay with it

feeling really dumbstruckstuck

but you’re excused

cause you just ate real cherries
from a real tree
you climbed up there
on that shaky backyard table
it was all real and handpicked

watching the ambiental channel

you’re watching the ambiental channel

it’s too hot to be outside

or too rainy
it is raining, yes

ambiental channel soothes you

static background gone foreground

93
94
your crying concealed
by birds chirping on screen
and the rain outside
your belly aches

but water under the bridge

(can someone come very close to my face

and say why do you cry so much?)

95
the tears didn’t fit on this page
they should’ve accompanied these words
but they would have ruined the paper

paper and tears

are a visual stunt
best left to professionals.

here’s another one:

assuming people are alright
cause they look alright
they have
or look like they have
or could have
or maybe have had
things under control.

control.
troll.
lol.
I am titanium of shit.
I bend
I don’t break.

I do stuff I regret all the time

and say things I regret saying

96
too loud
or not loud enough
but it’s not really regret
it’s a form of learning.

mazzy
you jerk all my tears
mazzy, you jerk!

97
I rarely forget to stare at you
when you sleep
you still make suckling movements with your lips
is this normal

your breath smells heavy

and I wonder
will it smell like this when someone you like
someone you’ll be in the arms of
will be staring at you in my place

with love and fascinations

or contempt
it could go either way

I wish you could be safe from lameness

but there’s nothing I can do

except tell you never to linger

on half dead half assed feelings
yours or others’

our time here is limited

don’t fool around in other people’s uncertainty

98
99
100
101
p. 8 Lea Rasovszky, p. 28 Lea Rasovszky,
It’s Magic Rebel And Perv

p. 12 Lea Rasovszky, p. 28 image: Google Maps

Cloak Of Visibility Restaurant El Carmen

p. 13 Lea Rasovszky, p. 35 Lea Rasovszky,

Torn Selfportrait

p. 18,19 Lea Rasovszky, p. 37 Lea Rasovszky,

Good Letzu Female Angst

p. 22 Lea Rasovszky, p. 41 Lea Rasovszky,

Dreamboy Iula Caravaggio’s Lover

p. 23 Lețitia Despina, p. 42 Lea Rasovszky,

Three-Finger-Buzz-Off Document It

p. 25 Lea Rasovszky, p. 47 Lea Rasovszky,

Nutella Botic

p. 26 Lea Rasovszky, p. 53 Lea Rasovszky,

Two Years Ago Today Freedom (Inner Whimp)

102
p. 55 Lea Rasovszky, p. 78, 79 Lea Rasovszky,
Wolf Love Selfie From Hell

p. 56 Lea Rasovszky, p. 81 Lea Rasovszky,

Curaj Dreamboy Blonde

p. 59 Ola Korbańska, p. 87 Lea Rasovszky,

Sky Of Europe: Marseille Antique Inner Whimp

p. 61 Lea Rasovszky, p. 94 Lea Rasovszky,

Wild Self I Am So Fucking Sorry

p. 67, Ola Korbańska, p. 97 Lea Rasovszky,

Vase Of Lol Home Is Where My Tired
Eyes Meet The Starry Sky
p. 73 Lea Rasovszky,
Wolf’s neck p. 99 Lea Rasovszky,
Death Has Never Been Funnier
p. 74 Lea Rasovszky,
Facial Hair cover Ola Korbańska,
Six-Fuck
p. 76 Lea Rasovszky,
Lap Dog Self

103
published by SuperTimeBooks, Copenhagen
printing & binding by The Secret Garden, Timișoara

words Letiția Despina

design Ola Korbańska
artworks Lea Rasovszky

First edition of 200 copies

Copenhagen, 2021

Order at www.supertimebooks.com

©Letiția Despina / Lea Rasovszky

All rights reserved.
No portion of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form
without written permission from the authors.

ISBN 978-87-972744-0-8

104
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