Transactional Analysis Theory: The Basics

Carol Solomon

Abstract
This article is written to acquaint readers
with basic transactional analysis theory and
to provide a beginning understanding about Parent
how these concepts can be used in real life.

A Personal Vignette Adult

When I was 17, I found myself in psycho-
therapy with one of the best psychoanalytic
shrinks in New York. I was depressed. And I
stayed depressed. He never talked to me. Then Child
I came to California, first to study at Stanford
and then at the Institute for the Study of Non-
violence, and, still being depressed, got a re-
ferral to some guy in Carmel. His name was Dr. Figure 1
Berne. Ego States
He was kind of an odd guy, but intriguing as
well. He was very smart, had a dry sense ofhu-
mor, and he talked to me. I liked that. But he "borrowed" from our parents or other care-
talked a funny language. All about Parent, takers. The Parent ego state can be divided into
Adult, and Child and strokes and scripts. Being two functions. One part includes the nurturing
a bright and sophisticated New York 19-year- side and can be soft, loving, and permission
old, I laid it on the line with Dr. Berne: I giving. This is called the Nurturing Parent ego
wanted therapy, but I was not going to talk his state. It can also set limits in a healthy way.
stupid language. The other side of the Parent ego state is
Dr. Berne responded, "Well, you can either called the Critical Parent. (It is also sometimes
talk my language or find yourself a different called the Prejudiced Parent.) This part of our
shrink." I quickly learned the value of this personality contains the prejudged thoughts,
simple language as I began to understand my feelings, and beliefs that we learned from our
own life script, and I became intrigued with my parents. Some of the messages that we hold in
newfound ability to see how I was interacting our Parent ego state can be helpful in living
with the people around me and how they inter- while other Parent messages are not. It is useful
acted with me. for us to sort out what information we carry
I have been talking the language of transac- around in our heads so we can keep the part
tional analysis ever since. For those ofyou who that helps us in our lives and change the part
are not familiar with it, here are the basics. that does not.
The Adult ego state is our data-processing
Ego States center. It is the part of our personality that can
Each of our personalities is made up of process data accurately, that sees, hears, thinks,
various parts: the Parent, the Adult, and the and can come up with solutions to problems
Child ego states. These ego states can be based on the facts and not solely on our pre-
diagrammed as shown in Figure 1. judged thoughts or childlike emotions.
The Parent ego state is a set of thoughts, The Child ego state is the part of our person-
feelings, and behaviors that are learned or ality that is the seat of emotions, thoughts, and

Vo!. 33. No. t. January 2003 /5

CAROL SOLOMON

feelings and all of the feeling state "memories" Adapted Child: I better not get my clothes all
that we have of ourselves from childhood. We dirty.
carry around in our Child ego states all of the Rebellious Child: I don't CARE if I do get
experiences we have had, and sometimes these dirty! (While dumping a bucket of sand on
childlike ways ofbeing pop up in our grown-up her head)
lives. This can be fun when we are in a situa- Understanding ego states is the basis for un-
tion in which it is safe and right to play and en- derstanding transactional analysis theory. In the
joy ourselves. It can be a problem when our following section we will look at different ways
Child view of the world causes us to distort the of identifying what ego state you or someone
facts in a current situation and prevents our else is using so you can become adept at recog-
Adult ego state from seeing things accurately. nizing these aspects of personality and behav-
The Child ego state can also be divided into ior. As you watch people move from one ego
two parts: the Free Child ego state (also re- state to another, you can literally see them
ferred to as the Natural Child) and the Adapted change right before your eyes!
Child ego state (which also contains the Rebel-
lious Child ego state). How to Tell What Ego State You Are Using
The Free Child is the seat of spontaneous There are several ways to tell what ego state
feeling and behavior. It is the side of us that ex- you are (or some one else is) using. Pay atten-
periences the world in a direct and immediate tion to tone of voice, body posture, gestures,
way. Our Free Child ego state can be playful, choice of words, and emotional state. If the
authentic, expressive, and emotional. It, along tone ofvoice is soft and soothing, this is a sign
with the Adult, is the seat of creativity. Having that the speaker is using a Nurturing Parent ego
good contact with our own Free Child is an es- state. If, on the other hand, the tone is harsh
sential ingredient for having an intimate rela- and critical or threatening, then the speaker is
tionship. When we adapt in ways that make us probably using a Critical Parent ego state. An
less in touch with our true selves (our Free even and clear tone of voice usually comes
Child), we decrease the amount of intimacy we from an Adult ego state, while an especially
are able to have in our lives. cheerful or emotion-laden tone of voice is
The Adapted Child is the part of our person- likely to be coming from the Free Child. The
ality that has learned to comply with the par- Adapted Child may sound either whiney or like
ental messages we received growing up. We all a good girl (or boy) saying just what is ex-
adapt in one way or another. Sometimes when pected of her or him.
we are faced with parental messages that are Similarly, there are gestures that signify that
restricting, instead ofcomplying with them, we someone is using Parent (the warning, wagging
rebel against them. This becomes our Rebel- finger), Adult (thoughtful expression, nodding
lious Child ego state. This can be seen as an al- head), or Child (jumping up and down). There
ternative to complying. It is still, however, a re- are also specific words that tend to come from
sponse to the parent messages, and so it is a one ego state more than from the others. The
kind of adaptation all its own. Parent is most likely to use expressions such as
Let's take a very simple example of a child "Pay attention now" or "You should always do
playing in the sand and look at how the differ- it this way," while language belonging to the
ent content develops in the different ego states: Adult ego state is likely to sound evenhanded
Nurturing Parent: Go ahead, play and have ("This information might be useful to you") or
fun! simply factual ("Will you tell me what time it
Critical Parent: Now, don't you DARE get is?"). The Child is most likely to use short
yourself all messy! expressive words like "WOW!" " Yeah!" or
Adult: This sand looks really interesting. I "Let's go!" When you pay attention to these
can make a castle. behaviors and to how you feel, you will be able
Free Child: WOW! Look how tall my castle to tell what ego state you or someone else is
is!!!!! using.

16 Transactional Analysis Journal

 TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY: THE BASICS

Let's look at ways in which an understanding of them to others, it is likely that some will
of ego states can help you in your current life. come back your way. These elements ofnurtur-
Suppose we take a common problem and apply ance, support, a show of interest, and playful-
knowledge of ego states to the solution. The ness are often how friendships begin.
feeling of loneliness is a natural experience. Change does not necessarily come quickly or
Everyone feels lonely from time to time. easily. Change takes practice. Your transac-
People ask, "How can I connect with others? tional analysis therapist can help you with this.
How can I make more friends?" But once you start making changes that move
You can use your knowledge of ego states in your life in a positive direction, you can expect
a social situation to maximize your chances of more positive changes to follow.
making new connections. Let your Nurturing
Parent take your Child to a party. Reassure Transactions
yourself by saying things like, "This might be Another important transactional analysis
fun. Let's see what interesting people we might concept is that oftransactions. Transactions are
be able to meet!" Leave your Critical Parent at about how people interact with each other,
home. Smile at people. When others talk to specifically, which ego state in me is talking to
you, use your Nurturing Parent to make suppor- which ego state in you. You may have noticed
tive comments and to offer strokes. Use your that sometimes communication continues in a
Adult to ask questions, showing the other per- straightforward, easy way that seems to go
son that you are interested in him or her. Allow smoothly. But at other times, things seem to get
your Natural Child to be intuitive and to figure all jumbled up, confusing, unclear, and unsatis-
people out. Your Child ego state can connect fying. An understanding of transactions can
with others not only sharing in the pleasure of help you keep your communication with others
jokes that are funny, but sometimes finding as clear as you would like it to be.
humor in ordinary situations as well. You might Straight transactions (or complementary
find others opening up to you. We all need transactions): We can diagram simple, straight
warmth and positive strokes; if you offer some transactions as shown in Figure 2.

Adult: "Will you tell me what time it is?" Parent: "You have to go to bed right now!"
Adult: "Yes, it is four o'clock." Child: "Please ... Can't I just finish this show?"

Figure 2
Straight Transactions

Vol. 33. No. I, January 2003 17

CAROLSOLOMON

The first example is easy to understand. In When we learn to recognize and differentiate
the second example the two people are not in between straight and crossed transactions we
agreement, however the communication is increase our ability to communicate clearly
clear. Both are examples of straight transac- with others. Conversations made up of straight
tions; the arrows are straight or parallel. When transactions are more emotionally satisfying
people use straight (or complementary) transac- and productive than conversations that have
tions, communication can continue indefinitely. frequent crossed transactions.
It is when people cross transactions that com- Becoming an expert at recognizing ego states
munication breaks down. and straight and crossed transactions takes
Crossed transactions: We can diagram a time. In the beginning you will need to pay
crossed transaction as shown in Figure 3. close attention to what is going on both inside
Here we see two different examples in which yourself and with others. With practice, iden-
communication breaks down. In the first, the tifying various ego states and different kinds of
respondent comes from a Child ego state in- transactions becomes second nature. Learning
stead ofAdult, thereby crossing the transaction. these new skills can be interesting and helpful.
The speaker has two options. She can either It can also be fun!
stay in her Adult ego state and try again to
hook the Adult in the responder ("I didn't mean Strokes
to rush you. I really just wanted to know the Eric Berne defined a stroke as a "unit of hu-
time"), or she can get hooked and move into man recognition." A stroke can be a look, a
her Parent ego state and respond that way (e.g., nod, a smile, a spoken word, a touch. Any time
saying angrily, "Why do you have to be so sen- one human being does something to recognize
sitive?"). In the second example, the respon- another human being, that is a stroke. Babies
dent comes from a Critical Parent ego state to need strokes to survive.
cross the transaction, and this communication Strokes can be positive or negative. Most of
breaks down. There are many other ways to us like positive strokes better than negative
cross transactions. ones. It feels better to hear "I love you" than to

Adult: "Can you tell me what time it is?" Adult: "Can you tell me what time it is?"
Adapted Child: "Why are you always Critical Parent: "You're always late, anyway,
rushing me?" why would you even care?"

Figure 3
Crossed Transactions

/8 Transactional AnalysisJournal
 TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY: THE BASICS

hear "I hate you." But when children are not herself; it can be damaging to the person's self-
able to get positive strokes, they will make esteem and even impact his or her will or desire
their best effort to get the negative ones, since to live.
negative strokes are better than no strokes at When negative strokes are conditional, they
all. This is the reason that some people grow up are a bit less harmful than the unconditional
being more comfortable with negative stroking negative ones. At least the person can believe
patterns. The kind of stroking patterns we de- that there is something good about himself or
velop tend to support our basic, existential life herself, since the negative strokes are limited to
position, a stance in life that reflects how we certain specific characteristics or behaviors. "I
feel about ourselves in relation to others. hate when you yell like that" is more limited in
Strokes can also be unconditional or con- its negative impact than "I hate you!"
ditional. Unconditional strokes are those that It is interesting to look at how different
come to us just for being. They are a very rich stroking patterns affect how people feel in rela-
kind ofstrokes. Babies who get lots ofpositive, tionships. Following are two examples of reIa-
unconditional strokes really thrive. And adults tionships with very different stroking patterns.
who have a good base ofpositive unconditional The first is an example of a relationship with
stroking thrive as well. negative and conditional stroking patterns; the
Conditional strokes are given for what we second an example of a relationship in which
do, for what we accomplish, or for a particular positive and unconditional strokes abound.
trait that we happen to possess. Thus, they are Lisa and Ben had been married for about ten
based on some condition. Conditional strokes years. Ben had never been able to fully accept
can fill important needs. If! sing well, or get a Lisa for who she is. Ben wanted a partner who
good grade, or do a good deed, and someone could join him in his many athletic endeavors.
recognizes me for that, they are giving me a The only time Lisa received positive strokes
positive conditional stroke. If people tell me from Ben was when she joined him in jogging
that I am pretty or that they like my dress, they or mountain biking. But because he was a much
are giving me a positive conditional stroke. better athlete than she, these activities were not
These strokes can feel very good and they fill much fun for her. Lisa enjoyed putting on elab-
us up in different ways than do positive uncon- orate dinner parties and playing the piano. But
ditional strokes. Ben discounted Lisa's strengths looking
But there are ways that conditional strokes through his lens of athletics. He would com-
can be limiting, too. If we relate to others or ment on her accomplishments saying, "Yeah,
they relate to us in ways that show us that we but all you ever want to do is eat and sit
are only OK in their eyes when we behave in around." Lisa received positive conditional
certain ways, this cuts down on the spontaneity strokes from Ben only when she complied with
in the relationship. In the long run, this can his wishes. She longed for the unconditional
limit pleasure, intimacy, and creativity. positive strokes ("I love you, honey") and the
Pay attention to the kind ofstrokes you most conditional positive strokes ("What a great
like to get and learn ways to ask for them. Yes, cook you are!"), but those rarely came. She
it is OK to ask for strokes, and asking does not found it difficult as well to stroke Ben in posi-
diminish the value of the stroke you get! Usu- tive ways. It is easy to understand why Lisa and
ally the more you give, the more you get! Ben felt some relief, in addition to their anger
The most harmful kind of stroke is the un- and grief, when they decided to end their re-
conditional negative stroke. These strokes con- lationship.
vey to us that we are not OK. And there is no Margaret and Claire had been together for
condition that this is based on. The uncon- more than 20 years. They had much in common
ditional negative stroke says that the core of having met in graduate school when they were
who we are is just not OK. This kind of mes- both working on PhDs in sociology. Margaret
sage and stroking pattern early in life can seri- and Claire loved everything about each other.
ously impact a person's view of himself or They loved how smart the other was, they

Vol. 33, No. I, January 2003 19

CAROL SOLOMON

appreciated each other's gentle loving ways, is an example of how a life script takes hold
and they shared the same values. Where there and how it can influence our lives until we are
were differences, they saw those as strengths able to see our own early decisions clearly and
that were complementary to each other. Mar- understand how they made sense at the time
garet was extremely outgoing while Claire was they were made.
quite shy. Instead offighting about these differ- We all receive many messages from our par-
ences, they saw them as "balancing things out" ents and other caretakers as we are growing up.
in their relationship. Margaret and Claire ex- While parents are usually our main caretakers,
changed many positive strokes in their relation- many people are raised and tremendously in-
ship, both the conditional ("She is so smart") fluenced by grandparents, older siblings, hired
and the unconditional kind ("I love her with all nannies, and others. These messages come
my heart"). They used straight transactions from all the ego states of our caregivers, and
when they argued, fighting fairly and getting they come to us in many different forms. Mes-
problems resolved. sages are conveyed through touching and hold-
ing or hitting and neglect. They can be sent ver-
Life Scripts and Early Decisions bally, either gently with interest or gruffly with
A life script is an unconscious life plan based disgust. And we hear and interpret these mes-
on decisions made in early childhood about sages and make decisions about ourselves and
ourselves, others, and our lives. These deci- our lives based on what we experience.
sions made sense when we were young and As children, we try to make sense of our
often helped us adapt in the world of our child- world (and our first world is really the world of
hood. They do not always make sense when we our family), and we try to figure out how to
are adults, but until we discover what our early best fit in with the people around us. We are all
decisions were, we often repeat the patterns born with an innate need to be connected to
that prove those early decisions to be true. other human beings. Without our ability to
For example, I met Kathleen when she was bond with our caretakers and their desire to
27, a bright, beautiful, creative young woman bond with us as infants, we would not survive.
who was ruining her life with alcohol and debt. We each have an inborn set ofpersonal ity char-
She had been a successful ballerina in her teen- acteristics that make some of us more sensitive
age years, and I wondered about her seeming and some of us more bold. Some of us tend to
lack of success now. "Life sucks" she told me be more fearful, meek, or shy, while others are
through her tears. "People say I'm smart and braver and bounce back more quickly. These
pretty and have so much going for me, but I inborn variables have a lot to do with how we
feel like a total failure." How did this come to are able to respond to the people and events of
be, I wondered? As we explored her past we our childhood.
discovered that the success she experienced as The early decision (or sets ofearly decisions)
a young girl hardly felt like success at all. is the most important part of our life script. We
When she was the thinnest girl in the ballet received certain messages (both directly and in-
company, her teacher wanted her to be thinner. directly) from our parents and other caretakers
When she could do a double pirouette, her about how we should be to obtain strokes from
teacher wanted her to do a triple. There were them. As we get older we receive even more
many examples of her not being "perfect messages from a wider circle ofpeople who are
enough" over a period of many years. Kathleen important in our lives, including grandparents,
decided, "I'm never good enough. I'll never be siblings, and teachers. It is what we do with
successful enough. I give up." And when she these messages that is so important. We make
quit dancing, she stuck to her decision of "I decisions about ourselves and our lives that
give up" and never reached for any more suc- allow us to adapt as best we can to the particu-
cess in her life. It was years later that I met her, lar situation in which we find ourselves.
drinking and despairing of ever being able to Children who are well loved and clearly
feel good about herself and badly in debt. This wanted will be able to make positive script

20 Transactional AnalysisJournal
 TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY: THE BASICS

decisions on which to base the rest of their feeling good about himself when all is said and
lives. Those decisions might be, at the earliest done.
stages, a sense that "I'm good" and "I'm lov-
able" and later, based on mother or father's ac- Existential Positions
knowledgment ofajob well done, "I'm smart" Based in the messages received and the de-
or" I'm competent." These are the kinds of cisions made, a young child develops a basic
early life decisions that are the building blocks life position. We call these "existential posi-
of a healthy and satisfying life script. tions" because they influence how we view our
Other children receive negative or mixed own and others existence. There are four basic
messages and may decide that there is some- life positions. These are:
thing wrong with them. Although these deci- I'm OK, You're OK
sions may make sense to the child at the time, I'm OK, You're Not OK
they wiIInot serve him or her well in the future. I'm Not OK, You're OK
For example, if a father who is angry at his I'm Not OK, You're Not OK
young son over some small mishap yells, "I Most babies are born in the position offeel-
can't believe you could be that stupid!" that ing OK about themselves and OK about others.
child might decide "I'm dumb" or "I'll never If things go well they will be able to maintain
do anything right." And this decision can be the that position throughout their life. This helps
basis for an unhappy (or limiting) life script. form the basis for a healthy life script.
Usually the decisions that we make are based If a child is treated badly or abused, this may
not on a single message or event, but on the result in his or her feeling helpless, powerless,
continual repetition ofthat message during our and angry, and he or she may move into a posi-
growing up years. The repeated messages sup- tion of believing "I'm OK, You're Not OK."
port our belief in the early decision we have Such an individual may build a life on this an-
made. gry position and continually prove to himselfor
What makes some people able to withstand herselfthat others are not OK. This position in-
negative script messages and tum out pretty volves a lack of trust in others and makes it
much OK while other people are so drastically difficult for the person to form and maintain in-
affected by similar messages? There are two timate friendships or relationships.
things that affect how we react to our childhood If a child is not well cared for and receives
situations. One is the constitution and person- script messages that decrease his or her sense
ality with which we are born. A sunny, resili- of self-worth, that child might move into the
ent, outgoing child will be able to withstand position of feeling like he or her is not OK
negative parenting better than a depressed or while others are OK. This position also leaves
withdrawn child. The other is a matter of how the person with difficulty feeling good about
much support a child has from others. The himself or herselfboth in the work arena and in
child who is yelled at by father will be better forming trusting and lasting relationships.
able to withstand that assault if mother is there When things really go wrong during child-
to mitigate the effect of those harsh words hood, a person might end up in the existential
("Don't you listen to him, you are a really position of "I'm Not OK, You're Not OK."
smart boy!") This is the life position of despair. The person
As children we are amazingly resilient and in this position has great difficulty seeing the
seek out the healthy parenting we need. The good in anyone and has trouble having any
little boy just described, for instance, might hope for the future.
show his grandfather a homework paper and However, even people in this position can
bask in grandfather's praise, or he might soak change. They can grow to understand the life
up his teacher's admiration when he raises his experiences that led them to have this view and
hand in class. He thus finds ways to gain ex- can learn ways to change those early decisions
periences that balance the negative messages that support these negatives beliefs. Since we
from his father and allow him to grow up are almost all born in the position of "I'm OK,

Vol. 33. No. I, January 2003 21

CAROL SOLOMON

You're OK," we can get back to that belief in an honest, uncomplicated, straightforward
even if our life experiences have led us to feel way.
differently. It is worth searching to understand Many people use transactional analysis in
how you have been influenced by the events in therapy because they want help in changing
your own life so that you can come back to a patterns in their lives that feel bad or are not
place of knowing that both you and other productive. These are usually script patterns
people are OK. based on early decisions made during child-
hood. A therapist who uses transactional analy-
Transactional Analysis in Your Life sis can help you discover elements of your life
Understanding transactional analysis can script and can help you change your patterns.
help you understand yourself better. It can also Those early decisions that you made when you
help you see more clearly how you interact were young made a lot of sense at the time, but
with others. One of the things that sets transac- they may not really make sense at all anymore.
tional analysis therapy apart from some other You can change them now and make choices
therapies is the belief that we are each respon- that allow you to live the life you want to live.
sible for our own future, regardless of what That is what transactional analysis is all about.
happened to us in the past. This article is a brief overview designed to
If you see things in yourself that you do not give beginning readers a basic understanding of
like or that do not serve you well, transactional the building blocks of transactional analysis.
analysis provides some tools to help you Those who are interested in knowing more, and
change. You can begin to change by deciding, understanding this theory in greater depth, are
for example, what kind of Parent ego state you encouraged to read some of the books de-
would like to have and then practice using and scribed in the annotated bibliography at the end
developing that part of yourself. You can de- of this journal.
cide what ego state you would like to use more
ofand which one you might want to use less of. Carol Solomon, Ph.D.. is a Teaching and
Would you like to use your Adult ego state Supervising Transactional Analyst (clinical)
more often? Or perhaps you use your Adult al- and a psychologist in private practice in San
most all the time and would like to practice us- Francisco. In addition to her psychotherapy
ing your playful Child ego state. You can prac- practice, she is at work on a book about the
tice giving certain kinds of strokes and asking ending ofintimate relationships. Please send
for the kind of strokes you want to receive. By reprint requests to her at 3610 Sacramento St.,
paying attention to different kinds of transac- San Francisco, CA 94118, USA; email:
tions, you can exert some control in conversa- [email protected] .
tions to make sure that communication proceeds

Advice from Around the World

From Turkey
by Fusun Akkoyun

As the old clichegoes, you can be your own bestfriendor worstenemy. Always remember the
differencebetween your external friendsor enemies, who come and go, and the internal ones
that are alwayswith you. What would be the bestfor you, carrying a friend or an enemyalong
with you?

22 Transactional Analysis Journal