IKE GRAVY, THICKENS THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS 31

30
THE PLOT, L
(HOLUSTER. MRS. VICKERS. INA and EDITH enter UC from off
BEATRICE. Hip! H!p!
ALLEGRA- Forget it, ea
ripiri~e .
Two "hips" are enough for any. UL. They 'II spread across the archway.)
body. anaged to arrive. Good. I promise you HOLLISTER. Edith informed us you wished to see us, Mr. Wor-
EDWARD- I see you a11 m thington.
this will be a night you'll all remember. EDWARD. Yes, Hollister. I wanted all of my family, closest
if h d louder than before. PEGGY SUE takes business associates and servants present while I make an announce-
1 ment. (Crossing slowly to DR.) Everyone in this room depends on me
(fhe~eg1:/J,:! ~h~ t~a;na:;·crosses 10 EDWARD.)
to provide them a living, and thus far I've provided for all of you v~ry
PEGGY SUE. (Handing him the glass.) Here, Edward, sugar, you well. You would think my generosity would gain me your apprecia-
tion, if not affection. Apparently, though, what someone here feels is
need a glass of wine. resentment, perhaps even hatred. (Turning back to face them.) It has
EDWARD. Thank you, Peggy Sue. . • come to my attention that one amongst you is a traitor.
PEGGY SUE. Happy birthday, darhn .
(The others react, looking at one another and ad-libbing denials.)
(She kisses his cheek. ALLEGRA bristles.)
Sit down everyone. I have an announcement to ROY. You suspect one ofus is your enemy?
EDWARD. II ' d The others sit where they were, except EDWARD. I don't suspect, I know .. . and I have proof. Law-
if
make. (He pull~ t~f 1~~~;ble SR; LA WR ENCE takes her chair SR rence .... (LAWRENCE opens the briefcase and takes out a thick, busi-
ness-size envelope, closed with a wax seal. EDWARD crosses to him.)
PEGGY SUE sits o . the SL sofa arm) When a man reaches
ofthe table; ALLEGk~tsm,tsako:s him think. Wh~re have I been? Where I had Lawrence bring me this. Inside is the evidence of the traitor's
the half-century mar , 1 l"fi ? duplicity. I promise you, before the evening is over, this person will
am I going? What do J plan to do with the rest of my I e · pay dearly!
ALLEGRA. Edward, if you're planning to ... punish .. . one of us
(EDITH enters UC from off UL.) in some way, why not do whatever you're going to do now and get it
over with?
EDITH. You rang, Mr. Worthington? . of MRS. VICKERS. I was wondering the same thing, Mr. Wor-
EDWARD. Yes, Edith. Tell the other servants I wish to see a11 thington, if you don't mind my saying so.
you, in here, now. EDWARD. I intend to let this .. . worm ... squirm a while be-
EDITH. Yes, sir. fore squashing it. I see you've brought me some gifts. After dinner
I'll open them, concluding with this . :. (The envelope.) .. _. my birth-
(She exits off UL. EDWARD will cross arou~d the sofa and to DL.) day present to myself. That is when I'll rid myself of a back-
•' · · ;· · est of stabbing sycophant once and for ·au. (There is. a rumble.of thunder
· EDWARD. As I was saying, what do I plan to do with t~e r close by. EDWARD puts the envelope.into an inside. pocket of the
my life? I intend to make some important changes, for. one thing. tux coat.) But for now, let the festivities begin. What are we having
TONY. Changes? What kind of changes? ther to for dinner, Ina? · . · .
EDWARD. That's precisely what I've brought you all toge INA. Your favorites, sir. Roast beef, gravy, whipped potatoes ....
discuss.
 IKE GRAVY, THICKENS
THE PLOT, L
44 THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS 45
TONY. So I found out.
HOLLISTER. Excuse me, Mrs. Worthington, Mr. Blackwell.
I e where he gets his cup from the mantle.) ALLEGRA. Yes, Hollister, what is it?
(He crosses to the fl rep ac
HOLLISTER. Ina is bringing the birthday qke. We thought we'd
t about the girl, we've got bigger worries. gather everyone in here where Mr. Worthington can cut it and open
ALLEGRA. Forge
his gifts.
TONY. Such(aCs? ·ng to UR.) That document or whatever it is ALLEGRA. Very good, Hollister. Where is :Edward?
ALLEGRA, roSSI
Edward is carrying aroun \ HOLLISTER. I don't know, madam. I haven't seen him since
dinner.
TONY. Wha~bou~ igt. back to him.) It could be our eviction no- TONY . Neither have we.
ALLEGRA. i ' urnm
ALLEGRA. I'll look for him upstairs. Why don't you tell the oth-
tice. d mean? ers to come in here, Tony.
TONY . Whatl o you they could be divorce papers. If I'm left out TONY. Alright.
ALLEGRA, mean, , b
. Id be too, Tony. Wed both e penm·1ess. . ALLEGRA. Get everything prepared, Hollister. We'll be right
m the cold, you w~u h. CU'" on the mantle) Divorc e? Are thmgs that back.
TONY. (Putting IS r . HOLLISTER. As you wish, madam.
bad between you?Edward has grown tired of me, and I s~spect he's
~LL~~~~y replacement. At first l thought he was simply hav- (ALLEGRA crosses to the stairs, o,scends them, and exits.)
:~;: ~f1'd flirtation with that Dixie Creme donut, Peggy Sue. Now
TONY. (As he crosses to UL.) Oh, you'd better have a towel
I'm not so sure. handy, Hollister - before this party is over, someone might be crying
TONY. Peggy Sue? (Crossing to her.) She ,s a knockout .'
but
their eyes out.
you're more sophisticated that she is, more glamorou~than ~he_15 That
HOLLISTER. I'll keep that in mind, sir. (TONY exits UL; muller-
ALLEGRA. (Cutting in} Twen1)'. years older t an~ :;~· that's ing to himself.) If there's any justice, it will be you.
hominy-fed hussy has one thmg I don t, Tony - youth
one thing Edward's money can't buy me. (INA, EDITH and MRS. VICKERS enter UC from off UL. JNA carrie
TONY. Edward's money - it should be your money, to0 ,· If he s
a beautifully decorated birthday cake and EDITH carries a tray
hadn't made you sign that agreement.... h' fi rtune could with saucers, forks, napkins, a cake server and a large knife.
ALLEGRA. But he did. I'm afraid the only way is oh divorce d MRS. VICKERS smoothes the cloth on the table SR.)
possibly become mine is if he were to drop dead before e
MRS. VICKERS. Set the cake here, Ina
me. TONY. There's not much chance of that. Edward is as healthy as
a horse. (INA sets the cake on the table SR; EDITH sets her tray beside it.)
ALLEGRA. Well, even horses have accidents ....
TONY. Allegra! What are you suggesting? EDITH. The cake looks beautiful, Ina.
ALLEGRA. Nothing, Tony, nothing at all. TN~. It's too good for the likes of Mr. Worthington, but thank
you, Edith.
(Thunder and lightning. HOU/STER enters UC from off UL.) HOLLISTER. Watch what you say, Ina. You never know who

E
48 THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THJCKENS
49
. .r the sofa. HO
(She sits on the chair DR 01 arrying a LLISTER ente rs UC from off EDWARD. (loo king aro und the room
bottle of cha mpa gne in an ice .) I suspect you 're not the
UL followed by INA. c ing a tray of only one.
bucket. and EDITH, carry cha mpa gne clas ses.)
ALLEGRA. For hea ven 's sake, Edward,
know no one cares about the cake or stop toying with us! You
HOLLISTER. p ace them on the table with the cake. Tell us wha t's in the envelope!
champagne or the stupid gifts!
.
' EDWARD . So you prefer cutting to the
VICKERS enters UC from off UL chase to cutting the cak e,
(They do this. MRS. with BEA- do you, my dear? Very well. (He lays
TRICE. who carries a cup 01.ttea.) you're so consumed with curiosity to
the knife on the table.) Sin ce
know, I'll get on with it. (He
. takes the envelope from his inside coa
BOW ARD . Remam W!'th. .us• please. 1 wou ldn 't drea m ofle avin g piece of paper, isn' t it? .. . but what a
t poc ket.) A harmless-looking
ou servants out of the festivmes. . commotion it has caused!
y HOLLISTER. Yes, Mr. Worthington JUSTINE. Of course it has, Edward.
. You 're holding som eon e's
fate in your hand .
NA EDITH and MRS. VICKERS stan DEBRA. More than one person's, poss
ibly
(He .gestures. UL. ~~~E ~its on the d above EDWARD. How right you are, daughte .
SR end of t~e sofa. ALLEGRA r, how right you are.
the sofaU..CBEAd nd,·ng the stairs and com TONY. Tell us whose, Edward!
enters ' esce ing into the room.) PEGGY SUE. We 're all dying to kno
w wha t's in the envelope!
k' ROY . Get on with it!
) And
EDWARD . _(Moc mg1Y: Alie last to arrive, but not least, is my
ra Sit (He hold s the chair ALL EGR A. Plea se ... !
loving wife, All efa: c;hme ~~• ED iAR DS of EDWARD. If you insist. (He extends
the table SR for er. ~ s1 si, been anx
D 'will circ le the table clock- I'll let you do the honors, my dear. (She the envelope to ALL EGR A.)
iously awaiting has arrived! rises slowly and takes it with
wise.) T~e momen~~~: s~:!1d 1 do first great trepidation. He picks up the
? Cut the cake or open the knife and holds it tow ard her. )
Now, let s see ... Open it.
gifts? (The others, except LAWRENCE ad-lib anx ious ly to open the
ifl LAWRENCE watches the proceed· . 1 1 ) The gifts?· Arc (ALLEGRA takes it and slashes the enve
~~:·sure? The cake looks delicious. You ings ca m Y· lope. She lays the knif e on the
table. She takes several fold ed sheets
've outd one yourself, Ina. ofpap er from the env elop e
and lays the envelope on the table.
(He is SL of the table.) She unfolds the pap ers and
gasps. She leafs through the pages.)

INA. (Flatly.) Glad you like it. ALLEGRA. The y're blank! (There
EDWARD . (Picking up the cake knife.) •r
1 don 't know 1
I can re· from everyone, som e coming to thei
is an astonished reac tion
r feet.) Is this your idea of a
sist it till later. lna did work hard to mak k'nd joke!?!
e it in my hon or. What 1
of cake is it, lna? EDWARD . Not at all . (To everyone
do. He will move about the room at standing.) Sit down! (They
INA . Devil's food.
will.) I' ve suspected for som e
time that some. if not all, of you hav
e been keeping secrets from me,
(EDWARD chuckles. Thunder and ligh perhaps even plotting and scheming
tning.) to
feel in this room is so thick you could do me han n. The hostility l
cut it with that knife! I figured
BEATRICE. Oh! I'm frightened! it was time to get everything out into
the open, and 1 have. How did I
 KE GRAVY, THICKENS
THE PLOT, LI THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS 51
50
. . a ame I devised. Let's
accomplish this? With a l_ittle Pu1h ~ there were papers ~all_ it "the
ms1de that
get-away for us at a cozy little inn. When I return, I expec
t all of you
envelope game." By m9:1<;gn>:i°ture, each of you projected your to be gone. I want each and every one of you out
of this house .
could expose your deceit 1 d discussed them amongst yours worst Shortly, you'l l all be out of my life - forever!
fears onto the envelope · ·· an f sight and listen. They all cameelves.
tum- (Thunder and lightning. The lights go out. All ad-lib excite
All 1 had to do ~as staYout 0 nd heard them: Roy's priva dly. They
I te invest- move about in the darkness. CONNIE picks up the stack
bling out, your httle sec;ts ~y\ philandering; Debr a's failin of nap-
g grades; kins from the tray; under it is a knife hand le with a small
men_t, ~sing my mo~~r cu~ off her support; Beatr ice's klcpto , curve d
Justine s f~r at th m_ania, fish hook attached. ROY takes the handle, which match es
ts have helped cover up. I even learned, mad- the one
which my faithful servan mment Beatrice made, the main secre on the cake knife, as CONNIE picks up the knife and puts
it
the napkins. hiding it, ROY steps behind EDW ARD and hookunde r
f°
vertentl)'., thanks to a the identity of the one amon g you
out to d~scover, ~am~~ rmation to a Paul Jamison. That' s
t 1 set
who has handle onto his coat at the center of his back. He steps
s the
the man back US
been quietly selhedngh1~sown'ting one of those malicious tell-al of the table SR. During this. EDWARD takes a capsu le
who has announc e l biogra- of stage
. • fr
phies about ~e. I believe the Bar Association h blood from his pocket and puts it into his mouth. The
owns upon sue un- lightn ing
must NOTflash during this stage business. As this happ ens:)
ethical behavior, Lawrence.
LAWRENCE. (Shocked, jumping up.) What l?I ... I ... .
EDWARD. (Cutting in.) Sit down! (LA ~REN CE sits.) l •II DEBR A. The lights!
with you later. (To all.) To conclude my htany of your deal CONNIE. Oh, dear!
offens~s, PEGG Y SUE. It must be the storm.
there's my devoted wife, Allegra, who told her broth er she would
hkc TON Y. Ow! My foot!
to see me dead. JUST INE. Sorry 'bout that.
ALLEGRA. I didn't! You misunderstood me, Edward!
EDWARD. Oh, I understood perfectly. It seems the only . HOLLISTER. Everyone, please remain calm. There is
among you I can trust is Peggy Sue, my future bride.
one for Just such an occurrence. It will activa te autom atical ly a gener ator
now. (The lights come back on.) There , you see? any mom ent
CON NIE. I do, now.
(Everyone reacts.)

PEGGY SUE. (Thrilled.) Oh, Edward ... ! (EDITH looks at EDWARD's back and screams. He has
, a stunn ed
EDWARD. She's marrying me for my wealth, but at least expression on his face. He groans. Blood begins to come
she s from the
honest enough to admit it. corner ofhis mouth . The others react, shock ed. ED WAR
D point s
PEGGY SUE. Not just for the money, honey-bunny - I love a finge r at 1L~EGRA, then begins a slow turn in place
you wise, the pointing finger moving over all of the other s clock -
too. until he 's
EDWARD. I believe you ... almost .. .. comp/et~~ the circle. As he revolves, the knife in hi~
back be-
comes v1~1~/e to the audience. He crumples to the floor ,
dead, his
(At this point, he is CS.) head pomt mg DS. The others are all standing. The SERV
have move d lo UC near the archway. BEAT RICE is abov ANTS
e
JUSTINE. So what do we do now, Edward? end of the sofa. HOLLISTER takes her arm to suppo rt the SR
her DE
BRA and JUST!NE are below the sofa. TON Y is SL
EDWARD. Peggy Sue and I are leaving. I've arranged a weekend
SUE at her chair. CONNIE is SR o r ALLE GRA be/ of PEGGY
'J • ow her c hwr. ·
54 THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS 55

some of my mysteries, I isolate _the ch~ractcrs, say on an island or it for you.

mountain top or in the woods dunng a b_hzza_rd. The murdere_r cuts the CONNIE. (Rising.) I've been dying to scratch .. hives .. .
phone lines, trapping everyone there with him or her. In th1s type of nerves ....
situation, the murder is usually solved by an amateur sleuth among JA~ES. I regret the inconvenience, but it's standard procedure to
them, a Miss Marple or Jessica Fletcher wan_n~be, for e_x ample. At fingerpnnt all the suspects at the crime scene.
other times, such as this one, I bring in a hom1c1de detective to ~atch ~~LEGRA. If we're excused, I'm going to my suite to cleanse
the culprit. I'll be playing just such a character, Lt. James McMillan. myd1g1ts.
Well I can' t sit back and let them .. . (Indicating the others.) ... do all HOLLl~TER. May I suggest the guests gather in the parlor next
the ~ork, can I? If you've been taking notes on "how to C?mmit a door? There s a half-bath across the hall. The staff can wait in the
murder," you should have written down that yo~ must pr?v1de your kitchen until you're ready for us.
suspects with motives and an opportunity to do m the vacum. Every- JAMES. That's a good idea.
one in this play had a motive to kill Edward except Peggy Sue who
stood to gain access to a fortune had he Jived .... (Everyone who's still seated, except PEGGY SUE, rises. The SER-
PEGGY SUE. (To the audience.) I have rotten luck. VANTS exit UC and off UL. ALLEGRA ascends the stairs and
ALLEGRA. (To PEGGY SUE.) Not as rotten as Edward' s. exits. CONNIE. ROY, BEATRICE, LAWRENCE. JUSTINE,
JAMES. Ah-hum. (Clearing his throat to get their attention.) As TONY and DEBRA exit UL. Everyone holds their hands out
I was saying, all but Miss Dixi~ Cup had a m~tive, and they all h,ad comically, careful not to touch anything. Everyone will wash the
the opportunity to stab the man m the b~ck - hterallr In case you re ink offtheirfingers.)
curious how we created that great special effect, dunng the black~ut
Connie hid the cake knife under the pile of napkins on the table while PEGGY SUE. What would you like to know, lieutenant?
Roy took a matching knife handle wit~ a hook attached from there an_d JAMES. (Flipping through the pages in his pad.) Let's see, Miss
stuck it to Edward's coat. Edward slipped a blood capsule from his Brumley, you said you were Mr. Worthington's personal secretary.
pocket into his mouth and bit down. Simple, huh? But I d_igress .... In How long have you served in that capacity'?
Act Two, Lt. McMillan - I - will search for clues, question the sus- PEGGY SUE. About six months, I guess. I mean, I've worked for
pects, and by its conclusion, discover who murdered Edward Wor- Worthington Enterprises for a couple of years, but when Edward's
thington the third. Keep your eyes and ears open. Wh? knows? You personal assistant retired last June, he pulled me from the secretarial
might guess the killer's identity before I do! Now, on with the show.... pool and gave me her job.
(He goes back into character. By this point he is Dl.) You've all told JAMES. Obviously, your relationship became very personal if he
me, as a group, what happened. At this point, I intend to question each announced his intention tonight to many you.
of you again, individually. I'll start with you, Miss Brumley. . PEGGY SUE. What can I say? It happens. (Rising.) I would have
ALLEGRA. (Rising.) Thank goodness. I, for one, am anxious to made Edward a good wife, lieutenant . .. better than that ice cube he
wash my hands. was married to. (Crossing to DR.) Allegra can shoot you a look that
MRS. VICKERS. Everyone should, before they get ink all over would give you frostbite. (Turning back to him.) If I had to guess, I'd
the furniture. Miss Beatrice has already finger-painted the coffee table say she's your murderer, Lt. McMillan.
top. JAMES. (Sitting on the bench SL.) Possibly, but it's been my ex-
BEA TRICE. Clumsy me .... perience that a jilted spouse often strikes out at the competition, in
HOLLISTER. Don't fret, Miss Beatrice. Mrs. Vickers will clean this case, you.
56 THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS THE PLOT, LIKE GRAVY, THICKENS 57

PEGGY SUE. You mean you thin_k she :,vould have g~ne after me would link poultry with the hereafter. I gather it's used to express a
with that pig-sticker? Golly! The very idea gives me the shivers. feeling of impending doom.
PEGGY SUE. I guess so. In that case, I l?et a whole flock of
(She hugs herselfand shivers.) geese stomped over Edward's cemetery plot a few hours ago. Any-
way, can I leave, Lt. McMillan?
JAMES. Mrs. Worthington might well have killed her husband. JAMES. (Rising.) Not yet. I might have more questions for you
I'm just saying there are other possibilities. after J talk with the others. Sorry.
PEGGY SUE. I have to admit you're right. (She will cross to PEGGY SUE. That's okay. I'm happy to do whatever I can to
above the sofa, stepping over the outline.) l'. d rather stitch my lips help. (Crossing to UL.) I'll be in the parlor if you need me.
shut with a sewing machine than say somethmg bad about anybody,
but Allegra's brother, Tony, could have done it for her. He's. a (She exits UL. JAMES takes a cell phone from his coat pocket,
charmer, but I wouldn't trust him any further than I could throw a pig- punches in a number, then puts it to his ear, crossing DR.)
skin with the pig still in it! And Roy and Lawrence had good reasons
to kill Edward, too - he was going to fire both of them. Eddie threat- JAMES. Pete? McMillan here. How are the fingerprints coming?
ened to bring criminal charges against Roy, as well as to report Law- .. . That's it? The only ones on the handle that weren't smudged were
rence's dealings with that writer Jamison to the Bar Association. the victim's and his wife's? ... Too bad; everyone saw him give her
JAMES. So I noted. His sister, ex-wife and daughter and servants the knife to open an envelope .... What!?! You found traces of what! ?!
had motives to end his life as well. Mrs. Phillips might have commit- .. . That could be a vital clue! Excellent work, Pete! ... Yeah ...
ted the crime to protect her husband. If there's anything worse than there's only one suspect who logically could have left it there, but if
having no suspects in a murder case, it' s having too many. Apparently someone else .... 'Fraid not - they've all been fingerprinted as you
you arc the only one in the house who stood to lose, not gain, by Mr. know, and are washing their hands now .... Yeah .... Too bad. There
Worthington's death. You're the only one I feel sure didn't stab the goes the evidence, right down the drain. I'll have to find out another
man. way. If I'm going to discover who murdered Edward Worthington
PEGGY SUE. Thanks ever so much. Then can I go home now? I ' ve got my work cut out for me .... No, that wasn't meant to be a pun.,
(Crossing to UR.) I'm about to absolutely collapse from exhaustion, ... Uh-huh .... Thanks again, Pete. I'll check you later.
but before I do anything else, I have to look over the classified ads.
JAMES. The classifieds? (He punches the off bu/Ion and puts the phone back into his coat
PEGGY SUE. (Turning back.) Why, yes, lieutenant When Jlost pocket. He crosses to the archway, stepping over the outline, and
Edward, I lost my job. If Allegra is going to take charge of Wor- pulls the bell cord, then crosses to UR, thinking. After a couple of
thington Enterprises, you can bet your boots the first thing she'll do beats, EDITH enters at the archway from off UL.)
is give me the ax. (She shivers.) Ooooo ... I wish I hadn't said it like
that. I gave myself the shivers again. A goose just walked over my EDITH. You rang, sir?
grave. JAMES. Yes .. . Edith, isn't it?
JAMES. I beg your pardon? EDITH. Yes, sir.
PEGGY SUE. That's what we say in the South when we get the JAMES. Would you ask the other servants to come in, please, as
shivers - "A goose just walked over my grave." well as yourself?
JAMES. It's a quaint expression, though I can't see how anyone EDITH. Of course, Lt. McMillan.