oR SEVEN INCREASINGLY EVENTFUL YEARS at A CERTAIN SCHOOL of MAGIC ano MAGIC ‘Two Act Edition By Matt Cox With Additional Material Contributed by Kristin McCarthy Parker, Stephen Stout, and Colin Waitt Extra Zach Smith Materials by Nick CarrilloCHARACTERS WAYNE HOPKINS. OLIVER RIVERS MEGAN JONES. NARRATOR ERNIE MAC and A VERY TALL MAN / SEAMUS / A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER / PROFESSOR TURBAN / GHOST HISTORY TEACH / PROFESSOR LOCKY / MR. NICK / SAL / SECOND HEADMASTER / REAL MR. MOODY, HANNAH and FIRST HEADMASTER | PROFESSOR McG / PROFESSOR SPROUTTY / XAVIA JONES / PROFESSOR LANNY / RUNES TEACH / MS. BABBLE J. FINCH FLETCHLEY and UNCLE DAVE / GOYLE / A FAT FRIAR / CLUMSY LONGBOTTOM / HERMEOONE #3 / VIKTOR / MR. BAGMAN / ZACH SMITH LEANNE and GINNY / HELGA / FRENCHY. SALLY PERKS and HERMEOONE / BLONDO MALFOY / ROWENA / RITA SCOOTER / BIPPY ‘SUSIE BONES and HARRY / COLIN / HERMEOONE #2 / RIC GRYFF / MYRTLE CEDRIC and MR. VOLDY DEATH BUDDIES to te played by all. NOTES *: Denotes two characters speak at the same time. **: Denotes an actor may say whatever they'd like, As long as i's, you know, funny. And makes sense. Feel free to just use what is printed here if that is something you are not comfortable with, ee: Can change to reference the region the show is being performed in, or a specific prop, ete.Prologue With little to no fanfare, a Narrator enters. They hold up a device that can turn lights off. They point the device at the lights aroveed the theater, and each turns off one by one until..blackout, Lights come up on that same Narrator from just a moment ago, remember them? They're now ready to tell a story. They, like many in this play, speak with a British accent, or at least an attempt at one, They are a real scholarly type and are, at their core, a Puff. A light piano theme plays. Not the one you are hearing in your head. It's a different one, The Narrator speaks to us NARRATOR: Heroes, Made. Not born, Except, sometimes...they are born. ‘Ona gloomy nigat, in a far away, magical land called: Fingland, (Behind them A Very Tall Man with a big beard and some goggles appears holding a very, very special baby. The First Headmaster, ‘ld, kind, and gentle, enters with him. They admire this heroic, special, really, really important baby boy. The Narrator spots them.) NARRATOR: Ab! A giant! Aw, a baby. His parents: dead, But he lives. He is the boy who lives. He has a scar. On his forehead. Shaped like...you know. You get it? You are familiar with this boy? Well. Forget about him, AVERY TALL MAN: *Okay, FIRST HEADMASTER: *Goodbye! (They swifily exit with that important baby.) NARRATOR: TI story ss not about him. (From seemingly nowhere, another baby appears carried by someone far less impressive, with somewhere far better to be.) NARRATOR: Ah! Another orphan. His patents: also dead. Killed in a freak chocolate frog attident. Please, don't ask. This boy is whisked away to five-with his ancle in the even more magical land of Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico. (Uncle Dave appears, beer in hand, excited for his life)UNCLE DAVE Yee-haw! (He is handed the baby. His joy ceases.) UNCLE DAVE: Aw. Fuuuumuuuuun NARRATOR: Where...the boy grows up! (Through the power of magic, the baby grows up into eleven-year old Wayne Hopkins. He is playing a classic Nintendo Gameboy. Unele Dave finishes his eleven-year-long expletive.) E DAVE: —uuuuuck! (Uncle Dave pats him on the shoulder and exits.) NARRATOR: And up until a few weeks ago, this now eleven-year-old boy had only the regular problems of a child in 1991 WAYNE HOPKINS: Aw, man. (Wayne takes the game cartridge out of the Gameboy and blows into it. An owt flies overhead screeching. Is ita real owl? Is it something representing an owl? You decide, It drops a letter to the ‘ground. Wayne picks it up and begins to read.) WAYNE HOPCINS: Um...Uncle Dave? A bird flew into our living room and dropped a piece of paper that says I'm a wizard and I need to go 10 schoel in England?! UNCLE DAVE (0S): .. What kinda bird? WAYNE HOPKINS: An owl, I think? (Uncie Dave enters in a hurry, zipping up his pants.) UNCLE DAV: Oh my Gawd! I forgot to tell you. Yer a Wizard, Wayne! ‘Also, wizards exist! ...And you are one. Just like yer British parents. Oh shit! Yer parents were British! Wow. We gotta tall ‘more. Come on, I'l drive ya to the airport! NARRATOR: And before he knew it, after 2 confusing train station ‘experience (Numbered train platform signs appear. A “nine” and a “ten” shouid do. Wayne looks confused as to,what to do next. He eveniually makes his way through the wall, or alternatively runsheadfirst into, He tén makes his way to magic school, however ‘you might like to visualize o imagine that) NARRATOR: Wayne found himself at the gates of certain school of female magic and male magic. Where he would spend the next seven years. Tonight! We will be taking an incredibly in-depth look at those seven years. Over the next five hours split into two parts- (Lights come up around the theater. The Narrator looks towards the technical booth in a slight moment of panic:) NARRATOR: What?! 110-ish minutes? Oh, (Lights return 9 normal.) NARRATOR: Tonight! We will take..a look at those seven years. Seven ‘years that were, in one word, eventful. It begins as these stories tend, to begin... WITH A SORTING! (The stage is full of eleven-year-old children, each waiting for their name to be called. Professor McG reads from a parchment of ‘names, a stool infront of her..On that stool: a hat, A very important hat, A hat that vill literally determine nearly every aspect of the next seven years of these poor eleven-year-olds’ lives.) PROFES {OR McG: Finrigan, Seamus! (A student sits on the stool. The hat goes on his head. We hear a ‘most booming and pre-recorded voice.) SORTER HAT (V.0.): BRAVE! (Applause as the student is given a “Brave” item.) OR McG: Goldstein, Anthony! (A student sits on the stool) SORTER HAT (V.0}: SMART! “® (The student is given a “Smart” item.)PROFESSOR Met: It, well, it just says Goyle. GOYLE: Goyle, (A not so bright boy sits on the stool. The hat IMMEDIATELY sorts him.) SORTER HAT (V.0}): SNAKE! (This rather mean student is given a “Snake” item, Applause, but not quite as loud of applause. McG finds a name on her list that she is not quite sure how fo pronounce.) PROFESSOR MeG: Um, Granger, Her... Her-mee-oh-nay? (We focus over to Wayne talking to an unidemified student in line with him. We eventually learn this is Harry, the greatest boy who ever happened to live.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Question. Hypothetical, What if I don't have enough of ‘personality for the magic talking hat to sort me? Like...how much authority does this hat really have? Never mind. ...This place is crazy sh? I never thought Id go to school in a castle. Pretty cool I've never really liked school. People were mean. To me. I'm talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on... Can [tell you something? I think T might be...special? I watch a lot of movies and read lots of books, and it's like: a normal boy Jinds out he actually has amazing abilities and is swept away to a new, magical world? Does that sound familiar? Because that is now my ACTUAL life. And THAT kid, through some incredible circumstances always becomes like the most important person. Like in the whole world. A sort of...Chosen One, AHH! Magic is real, and this orphaned boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures! PROFESSOR McG: Eh, HEM! Mr. Potter! HARRY: Oh! Excuse me (Harry unveils himself and brushes past Wayne. Whispers and chatter from the other students. He walks over to the stool.) HARRY: Ohhh! No, hat! Not that! Anything but that! Ple SORTER HAT(V.0.): BRAVE! ”(The students applaud and exit to become best friends, forever. All except Wayne, who stands unsorted. Professor MeG notices him.) PROFESSOR McG: Oh. Look. I's..another one. Um...uh, Student? WAYNE HOPKINS: Wayne Hopkins. PROFESSOR MeG:...Sure. Come on then. (She waves him over. Wayne takes a few sheepish steps forward and sits on the stool. Finally, the hat booms.) SORTER HAT (V.O): PUFF! (Wayne is handed a “Puff” item. Goyle pops his head out,) GOYLE: Boooooo! (The Narrator leaves Wayne at the stool as all exit around him. The Narrator pulls out a book with a big number I on it) NARRATOR: The Puffs, Spoiler alert: not everyone's favorite. But when a haat speaks, you listen, and the new recruits were quickly whisked away to a quaint little basement somewhere near the kitchens. Welcome! To what I like to call, YEAR ONE: THE PUFFS AND THE SORCERER'S ATTEMPT AT EARNING POINTS AND MAKING FRIENDS. Scene: Welcome to the Puffs Just like that we've arrived in the Puff common room, a cozy ‘basement somawhere near the kitchens. The Puffs have all entered ‘and stand smiling at each other. Eventually...a very excited Puff speaks LEANNE: Guys. Guess what? WE'RE ALL WIZARDS. (Leanne celebrates this fact. Everyone else is not quite sure what to do.) PUFFS: Yeah. J. FINCH: Hey, we shculd all introduce ourselves! I'm J. Finch Fletchley. 'm boyish and fun, PUFFS: HI!(As if compelled by a higher power or something carnal within themselves, the Puffs all realize they responded the same way: a very loud “Hi,” Rather than fear this, they embrace it.) sus BONES: I'm Susie Bones. Once upon a time my entire family was murdered. Except my aunt, PUFFS: HI! WAYNE HOPKINS: I'm Wayne. I've read The Silmarillion, twice. PUFFS: HI! SALLY PERKS: I'm Sally Perks. And I go to this school! PUFFS: HI! ERNIE MAC: Who's THAT?! It's me, ERNIE MAC! I'm basically the best..s0. Hi PUFFS: HI! HANNAB: ...Who’s THAT? It's..me, Hannah, I'm Hannah. PUFFS: HI! LEANNE: I was raised in a cabin by my grandparents and you're the first other children I've ever seen, oh and I'm a wizard. And my name is Leanne. PUFFS: HI? (Oliver Rivers, as will soon be discussed, does not have a British accent, He speaks with an ***American accent.) OLIVER RIVERS: Um, Oliver Rivers, and I'm just here to keep my head down and get a fundamental understanding of wizard-ing basics. PUFFS: HI! (From the corner of the room, Megan Jones steps forward. Megan is dressed a little darker than the others, a litle what one might call ‘gott.” Ske does not believe she belongs in this room, nor does she want to be amongst these weirdos. But for one moment, she tries 10 be friendly. Like Wayne and Oliver, she speaks with an **American accent.) MEGAN JONES: Um. Megan Jones. (Mary of the Puffs leap back in fear with a unified gasp. They know this name. They know what she just might be capable of. Megan decides friendliness is not worth it)MEGAN JONES: Yep. That's right, Just so we're clear. I'm not like you. Any of you. So-dLeave me alone, WAYNE HOPKINS: H. . PUFFS: Shhh! (Suddenly, descending like an angel from an unexpected place— perhaps the audkence—a very cool young man enters.) CEDRIC: And my name..is Cedric. (Blaring guitars, drums, and rock concert lighting greet Cedric as he in turn greets everyone, audience included. Some Puffs applaud. Some become overwhelmed. Some have no idea what's going on but hey, they are happy to be here. Cedric eventually makes his way to the center of this clump of Puff.) CEDRIC: Thanks. Now, gather round. Don't be shy. Welcome to the Pufls! ‘CEDRIC & PUFFS TOGETHER: HI! CEDRIC: Just a few things to get you acquainted to the school. First, the stairs move. (Sally Perks gasps.) CEDRIC: Don't freak oul. Just breathe. Second...the Puffs don't exactly have the best reputation here. People will make jokes about you PUFFS: Aw CEDRIC: Or throw food at you. PUFFS: Awhhih. CEDRIC: Or they might curse you. PUFFS: AHHH! CEDRIC: In fact, here is alist of curses you can expect to be hit by at some point in the next week. (A piece of parchment, frightening in length, falls from the ceiling Some truly terrifying and embarrassing sounding spells are listed. “Wedgi-o,” “Nose-us Boogerus,” “Forgetus Your Parents,” etc Spells that really make you wonder if this whole magic thing is a good idea, The Puffs all become very nervous about this terrifying place) CEDRIC: But, none of that matters. Because really, we're a bunch of nice, fun, happy people. Also, badgers. Badgers are great! That beingsaid, tkere's something very important we need to discuss. What do ‘you think the most important part of magie school is? OLIVER RIVERS: Learning magic? ‘CEDRIC: Wrong, (This marks the first time Oliver Rivers ever failed to answer a question correctly in a school.) CEDRIC: The House Cup. Here, you eam points for doing something right, and you lose them for doing something wrong, The Puffs have come in last place in the House Cup for...ever. But together we are going to change that. This year, we're going to win. Or, we're going to get second. OR, we're going to get third. Third or nothing! (Someiow, third sounds like the most enticing of the three. Cedric ‘puts his hand out in the center and motions for the other Puffs to join hin, All chant) PUFFS: Third or nothing. Third or nothing! THIRD OR NOTHING!!! CEDRIC: Whoever wins the most points? They'd be a real hero. (Cedric looks to Wayne) WAYNE HOPKINS: Me? CEDRIC: Maybe! Well, I'm off to bed. J. FINCH: If Cedlrie's going to bed, 'm going to bed too! J. Finch out! PUFFS: *Oo0! Bed! *Sleep! *1 brought my own pillow! *T hope I have dreams! *Etc! (The Fuffy exit, except for Wayne, Megan, and Oliver.) MEGAN JONES: So, its official. The next seven years are gonna suck. Can ‘you believe this group of dingbats? WAYNE HOPKINS: I think everyone seems nice. MEGAN JONES: You‘e talking to me? You're not running away’? OLIVER RIVERS: Why would we do that? MEGAN JONES: Um. Everyone knows my mom worked for...You-Know- Who. WAYNE & OLIVER: Who? MEGAN JONES: The Dark Lord. WAYNE & OLIVER: ..}7ho? MEGAN JONES: Whatever, the guy was a super evil wizard. WAYNE & OLIVER: There are evil wizards?!MEGAN JONES: Yep. And my mom was one of his most feared followers. I ‘war you...'m just as bad-ass her. (Leanne runs in.) LEANNE: Megan! Our beds are stacked on top of each other. MAGICALLY! MEGAN JONES: ...t's a bunk bed? (Leanne looks to her hands in dishelief,) LEANNE: We're wizards! (Leanne exits.) MEGAN JONES: Ugh. Im going to hang out with the Snakes. Where I belong! WAYNE HOPKINS: You can't leave, you night lose points. MEGAN JONES: Watch me! (Megan exits. A sound effect indicates that points are lost. Wayne turns to Oliver.) WAYNE HOPKINS: So. You new to all of this too? OLIVER RIVERS: Yep. All of it. WAYNE HOPKINS: You'...not British! OLIVER RIVERS: Nope. ***New Jersey. (Note: Oliver should be from any nearby major city or place that everyone agrees kind of sucks. If you don't have such a place, New Jersey should always work. My apologies to the people of New Jersey. I truly mean nothing personal and I know dozens of great ‘New Jersey-ians,) OLIVER RIVERS: My family just moved to England back in May, so they'd bbe closer to me when I started at the Mathematical Institute at Oxford this semester. WAYNE HOPKINS: But you're eleven. OLIVER RIVERS: Oh, I inow. I've sort of been called a “math savant.” But that's not important now. Now, I'm just a wizard... beginner level wizard, You dorit think ending up here means we're already bad at vwizard-ing right” I'm not used to being bad at school kWAYNE HOPKINS: We just have to focus on eaming those points and the rest will take care of itself. [ mean it’s just magic. How hard can it possibly be? + Scene: Studies A bell rings. We're in a classroom now. The Puffs all rush on ‘chatting with each other and surround Oliver and Wayne. PUFFS: *Wow! *Class! *I brought a quill! *I brought a book! *Ete, (A Certain Greasy Haired Potions Teacher enters.) ACERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: Sit. Everyone. Now. You are here to lear. the art of potion ma—Ohhhh. Putts. PUFFS: Hit A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: (A sigh,) Can anyone tell me... What, Is A. Potion? G. Finch raises his hand.) J. FINCH: 000! It's what you put on your skin to make it feel soft. ‘ACERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: No. That's lotion, (Sally raises her hand.) SALLY PERXS: It's the place all the fishes live! A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: Wrong. That's the ocean. (Leonne raises her hand..and then you have some OPTIONS. **The following line is anything that makes sense within the rhythm and rhyme of the bit. Below are some options. Choose one or find some of your own. After ONE of these, Oliver raises his hand.) LEANNE: (GPTION 1) It's starchy root vegetable! A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: That’... Po-tato. LEANNE: (OPTION 2) It's the head of the Catholic Church! A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: That's..thhe Po-pe. 10LEANNE: (OPTION 3) Its that dance where everyone isa train! Choo choo! ACERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: That...the loco-motion, LEANNE: (OPTION 4) Its the water that surrounds all the continents! ACERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: That is sill the Ocean, LEANNE: (OFTION 5) Its that stuff that smells good! A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: Thet's...Po-tpourt OLIVER RIVERS: It. Is. Uh, Magic liquid! A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: You are the most dundetheaded student I have ever seen sit in my class. If you manage to succeed in my course this year, I will eat a shoe. Ten points from the Puffs LEANNE: [ ate a shoe once. It didn't taste good but it didn't taste bad. A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: ...Class dismissed. (A Certain Potions Teacher grumbles and leaves. A bell rings Professor McGenters.) PROFESSOR Me PUFFS: Hil PROFESSOR McG: Yes, hello. Um, We're going to turn shings. Into other things. Wooow! Go crazy. PUFFS: YEAH! WOO! ‘Transfiguration: the art of oh, Puffs (Everyone starts waving their wands. Professor McG goes over to Oliver.) PROFESSOR McG: Mr. Rivers. Oh dear, oh dear. Your wand technique is all ‘wrong, Here, you get to use the training wand. Oooo! Eh hem. Five points from the Putts, (Professor MeG hands him a large and very special wand: the Training Wand. She pats him on the head and exits. A bell rings Professor Turban enters wearing a turban.) PROFESSOR TURBAN: D...D...D...D...D..Defense! A...A...A...Against! (Megan Jones shoots a spitball at the back of Professor Turban's turban. He spins around, and on the back of his turban we see a pair of red glowing 2yes staring at us. We hear a whispery voice.) MISTER VOLDY (V.0) YAH! You will pay for this insolence!(Professor Turban spins back around, embarrassed.) OLIVER RIVERS: Uh—where did that voice come from?! PROFESSOR “URBAN: Ten points from the P-P-Puffs! (Professor Turban exits. The Puffs all stand frustrated at their lack of points. Points, the most important thing there will ever be.) OLIVER RIVERS: Is there a math class? Please tell me next is math class, WAYNE HOPKINS: We have something called...HHerbology? J. FINCH: I hope it's not scary or confusing, (Professor Sproutty enters.) PROFESSOR SPROUTTY: Class! We're going to look at plants! PUFFS: YAY! PLANTS! (Puff and Professor Sproutty all exit, happy to go see some plants Wayne and Oliver hang back.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Okay. I will admit with the exception of Herbology, which is awesome, this isn't easy OLIVER RIVERS: Maybe we should just go sit in our room and hide for seven, ‘years so we don't lose any more points? WAYNE HOPKINS: Come on, It's just the first day. And next we have our first flying lesson, Were right after the Braves who are...going...n0W? (They look to see Harry and Blondo riding broomsticks,) BLONDO MALFOY: If you want it so bad, you'll have to catch itt (Blondo throws a sphere. Harry catches it, Much applause for Harry.) HARRY: I did it.I caught the ball sphere. I did it! (Harry exits. Blondo walks over to where Wayne and Oliver stand.) BLONDO MALFOY: Potter. What bluthering whimpersnatch, What are you two troom-heads looking at? EAT SLUGS! 2(Blondo points his wand at Wayne and Oliver with the cruelty only fan eleven-year-cld can have. The two vomit slugs. Professor Sproutty enters and sees these two boys vomiting slugs.) PROFESSOR SPROUTTY Students vomiting slugs? What would the plants say? Fifty points from the Puts BLONDO MALFOY: Ha! You've just been Malfoy-ed (Blondo laughs. O! What fun bullying is. Megan has entered and tried to laugh with him, but he scoffs and leaves her behind, She exits elsewhere.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Gah! Wizard school is just like regular schoolt (Wayne and Oliver exit, more slugs sure to come. The Narrator steps out with a plastic bag to remove the slugs and continue the stor.) NARRATOR: Ob, sad, Maybe it's time for something a bit more festive! Scene: The Feas' At the snap of the Narrator'sfingers—a song that sounds something like an off-brand version of the "Monster Mash” plays. Let's call it the “Monster Bash.” J. Finch runs on with other students, AI wear various Halloween costumes. J. FINCH: 000! It's the Halloween feast! J. Finch approved! (The Puffy form a small clump together. They dance. They chat. Megan stands apart from the group. Wayne enters. He tries to say “Hi” to Megan, bui she storms off. He tries to join the group of Puffs, but they don't make room for him. He stands by himself for a moment until Oliver enters.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Oliver! Where have you been? OLIVER RIVERS: Sorry, I've been working on charms. T think I've got it! ‘Ascensiono! (He points his wand to the sy. An awful screech as an owl plummets land squishes into the ground. It most certainly has died. A soundeffect indicates a loss of points as all turn to look at Oliver and Wayne in horror and disappointment.) OLIVER RIVERS: I can't lose any more points, Wayne. Everyone hates us enoug: already. WAYNE HOPKINS: Look. Its Halloween! Let’ just sit back, relax, and hope nothing bad happens. (Professor Turban runs on. The music screeches and ends.) PROFESSOR TURBAN: T...T...T..Troll! In the dungeon! (Professor Turban runs off. A beat of silence. Then chaos.) PUFFS: *AHHHHHHHH! ‘Troll?! *TROLL! *What’s a troll? *Were CONFUSED! CEDRIC: Everyone, quick! Puffs Emergency Formation #4! (Everyone hnuddles together. They put one hand on their heads for protection and they hold their wands out for who knows what Together, they march and chant.) PUFFS; We are not a threat, Please, be our friend? We are not a threat. Please, be our friend? (They continue to softly chant this mantra as Harry enters ahead of them. In his hands is a mop. A mop with bright red hair. This mop is Roa, He is Ron Mop,) HARRY: Wait! ..Ron...1've just had a thought! Hermione?! (Harzy shakes the mop to show us that Ron has some feelings on this) HARRY: I know that, Ron, But she doesn't know about the troll. We have to go save her!| (Harry and Ron Mop exit, as the Narrator watches them go.) NARRATOR: Ugh, Meanwhile, in the Puff common room! 4Scene: Back in The Common Room With a sudden shift we find ourselves back in that basement near the kitchens. The Puffs are huddled close, fearing for their lives, fearing what this troll may do. Their emergency formation chant has transformed into a plea. Loud footsteps echo above them. PUFFS: We are not a threat! Please be our friend?! {USIE BONES: I's going to Kill us all! HANNAH: Someone told me it must be my long-lost twin sister. Ob, I get it, they were bullying me. J. FINCH: I. Fineh is toc young to die! CEDRIC: Everyone, everyone! Calm down. We're safe in our basement. This, will be the only time our lives will ever be in danger here. Ever Now. I'm offto bed (Cedric exits. He's worked his magic over the Puffs, and they have all calmed down.) PUFFS: *Oo0 bed, *Yeah, bed. *Bed sounds nice! (The Puffs exit, Oliver tries to leave with them.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Oliver! Wait. Megan's not here. OLIVER RIVERS: Oh no, does she need to be saved or something? WAYNE HOPKINS: No! What if she's out there losing points?! We have to stop her. OLIVER RIVERS: I'm sorry, we? WAYNE HOPKINS: It up to all of us to protect those points. This is it, Oliver. The points are how we become heroes. Let's go! (The two exit in search of wizard shenanigans.) Scene: A Trio Is Born. We shift t0 some place darker. Ominous. Spookier. A forbidden classroom in aforbidden hallway. In this classroom, there is a weird ‘mirror, Megan Jones sneaks in holding a lantern. She eventually ‘makes her way to the mirror.MEGAN JONES: Wow. That corridor was full of some horrifying stuff. Ohh, that's why i's forbidden. I get it, Whoa. Weird mirror. ‘Whoasaah, Demon! mirror (Megan, for a moment, looks into the weird mirror with an air of wonder. Slowly behind her, the ghost of A Fat Friar creeps on.) AFAT FRIAR: Boo! MEGAN JONES: Hey! I have told you not to sneak up on me like that. Hello, Fat Friar ABAT FRIAR: Megan, You can just say “Friar.” (Oliver and Wayne sneak on. They hide.) A FAT FRIAR: What are you doing all alone on Halloween? Shouldn't you be with your friends? MEGAN JONES: Friends? You're the only person who talks to me—and oh. my Ward God—I just realized how pathetic that is. AFAT FRIAR: Ouch, My self-esteem. MEGAN JONES: It's just like, come on, Mom, break out of wizard prison ‘already and come rescue me from this hellhole, please. 1 wonder what she's doing... (The Narrator enters. Everyone freezes.) NARRATOR: Id like to take this moment to formally introduce you to Xavia Jones. (A menacing witch clad in black appears and poses like a mug shot in.a.certain prophetic newspaper. She holds a sign with her number ton it. She makes increasingly crazy faces and sounds.) NARRATOR: A Puff. A dark wizard, They say few that have crossed her path have lived to tell the tale. I mean look at her. She looks pretty crazy. Lucky for us she is locked away in an inescapable wizard prison and will probably never get out. probably. (Kavia and the Narrator exit.) AFATFRIAR: Anyway! How about a game of Wiz Checkers? Maybe those two sneaky boys want to join? OLIVER RIVERS: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! 16MEGA‘ JONES: GET OUT HERE, NOW! (Megan waves her wand. Oliver and Wayne fall into the room. A few more spells move them center.) MEGAN JONES: So, you followed me, Hopkins? Spying on me? Trying to learn my dark evil secrets? OLIVER RIVERS: No, ub, we were jus, ub, trying to find you. WAYNE HOPKINS: To protect you from the troll. And to make sure you don't lose any more points. (Megan magies their hands together.) MEGAN JONES: Do I look like I need protecting? From the two of you? Wait. A troll? Where? I want it. As a pet A FAT FRIAR: Megan, this is why you don't have any friends. MEGAN JONES: Shut up, fatty AAT FRIAR: Self esteem. MEGAN JONES: These two are going to get what they deserve. Him. What ‘would my mom do in situation like this? I think she'd torture you! Prepare to meet your doom! (Megan raises her wand to strike, Oliver screams.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Wait! Wait! What if instead of torturing us, we all just hung out? Like friends? OLIVER RIVERS: *We'll what? MEGAN JONES: *Excuse me? AFATFRIAR: Yeaaaaah! Go for it! WAYNE HOPKINS: Look, we're all kind of the worst people at this school ‘Why not be the worst together? Megan shouldn't have to be alone just because he: mom was evil. And hey, I think it’s cool that you thang out with Mr. Friar AFATERIAR: Heceey, Mr. Friar. like it! WAYNE HOPKINS: Right, Oliver? OLIVER RIVERS: Yeah We can all hang out. Fat Friar too A FAT FRIAR: Awwww, My self-esteem! (A Fat Friar exits, his self-esteem hurt.) MEGAN JONES: You promise this isn't a joke? WAYNE HOPKINS: I promise, Us Puffs have tg stick together.MEGAN JONES: I'm not a Puff. The hat got it, wrong. I'm the most not- Puffiest person you'll ever meet. Got it? (She points her wand in Wayne's face.) WAYNE HOPKIN Got it. (She points itat Oliver.) OLIVER RIVERS: Got it. WAYNE HOPKINS: Now how about letting us go? MEGAN JONES: ...[ guess. (Megen hesitates for a moment. She unties them using magic. She then uses her wand in a knighting-like fashion on the following:) MEGAN JONES: I dub thee friends. ...s that how this works? I don't really have. friends, OLIVER RIVERS: Sure. WAYNE HOPKINS: Great. Glad we've settled that, we should probably get out of here? If we're caught, we will lose so many points, (Professor Sproutty enters and catches them } PROFESSOR SPROUTTY: Students lurking while a troll is about?! The plants will be so disappointed. MEGAN JONES: Wait! I was hunting the troll. So, I could...shove my wand. up its nose and...I don't know...murder it, But these two friends taught me the error of my ways. PROFESSOR SPROUTTY: Himm...fifty points../o the Puffs. Each! (A sound effect indicates points are earned.) PROFESSOR SPROUTTY: The plants love life lessons. Goodnight! (Projessor Sproutty exits.) OLIVER RIVERS: *YEAH! MEGAN JONES: “Hey! WAYNE HOPKINS: *WE DID SOMETHING! Guys. I think this isthe start of something really great(Wayne becomes aware of the mirror behind them.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Whoat Weird mirror! (The Narrator enters.) NARRATOR: Yes, a weird mirror with the power to show the greatest desire of the onlooker’s heart. One must wonder what these three would see whilst looking in it? Hmmm. (Elements of the following “visions” play out in front of the trio in their “reflectiors.”) WAYNE HOPKINS: Wow. I'm being handed a medal. I saved all the wizards. T'm a hero. I'm the hero. I've officially made the Puffs the best, coolest, most important house forever! (He gasps.) And I have a lightsaber! (Wayne's reflection holds up a green lightsaber. Excited, he steps ‘aside. Oliver moves in front of the mirror.) OLIVER RIVERS: I finally do it. A brand-new theorem that makes differential calculus look like trigonometry for dumb-dumbs, Awesome, (Oliver's reflection is handed a certificate. It says MATH on it. He Steps aside. Megan looks into the mirror. But she quickly backs away.) MEGAN JONES: [, uh. I don't see anything OLIVER RIVERS: That's weird. Are you sure? WAYNE HOPKINS: I don't want to cut this short, but we should probably get out of here. OLIVER RIVERS: Yeah, What do you think this mirror is? WAYNE HOPKINS: Maybe it shows the future? THAT MUST BE OUR FUTURE! Wete going to be so cool! (Wayne and Oliver exit as Megan hangs back. She slowly walks back and stands in front of the mirror. She smiles.) NARRATOR: What exactly did Ms. Jones see in her reflection? Well,(in the mirror, a loving version of Xavia stands beside Megan. She esses with her daughter's hair and hugs her.) MEGAN JONES: I's my mom, She wants to go somewhere far away, just us, “The future, huh? Allright (Megan turns to leave but feels something in her back pocket. She ‘pulls out a glowing red stone.) MEGAN JONES: Whoa, how did this rock get in here? (She tnrows this likely unimportant rock away. The Narrator retrieves it.) NARRATOR: Gh, Oh my. I, uh, sadly am obligated to inform you that this ‘was not the only lifelong friendship forged on October 31", 1991. (Hearry bursts in with Ron Mop and Hermeoone, here just played by awig) HARRY: Well, you two. TL looks like we're going to be real good mates, Forever! NARRATOR: WE GET IT Jesus Merlin Christ, Some people. (Harry smiles and slowly exits, followed by a flustered Narrator.) Scene: Wayne & Cedric Wayne enters with his wand out, attempting to do magic. It is not going so well. WAYNE HOPKINS: Lumos, Lumos. Lumos. (Cedric has entered and spots Wayne fumbling.) CEDRIC: I's in the way you move your wrist Like a litte circle. Lumos (Cedrie's wand lights up with ease.) CEDRIC; ... Wayne, right? 20way JOPKINS: Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. Wayne. Um, hi Cedric. CEDRIC: Listen, man. Winning all of those points? Pretty cool. You really started something. Everyone's earning points now! (Various Puffs rush on) ERNIE MAC: Repairo! (Brnie repairs something. He earns points!) HANNAH: Alohamoro! (Hannah opens a door with magic. She earns points. A feather ‘ppears) 1. FINCH: ***Olive Gardium Leviosa SALLY PERKS: ***No, [t's Olive Gardium Leviosahh. (The feather flous. Points are earned. Leanne enters staring at her hands.) LEANNE: We're wizards! (Corrie: law fives Leanne. She runs off, happy!) CEDRIC: We're moving up. I think we're finally going to do it this year. ‘THIRD PLACE! (Cedric turns to go.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey Cedric. ..Thitd place! (Cedric gives a thumbs up to Wayne and exits. Wayne jumps for joy.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Abhhhhhhhh! Cedric thinks I'm cool, /feel like I could do anything right now. LUMOS! (The spell does not work.) WAYNE HOPKINS: ..I guess I'l go watch the Sports game, 2Scene: Sports! ‘Many people enter and throw balls and hit other balls, and itis all basically chaos until Harry simply flies by and procures a small ‘yellow ball at which point everyone exits. A voiceover lays over the ‘op. VOICEOVER: Sports! For those of you joining us these players are trying to throw the ball through the hoops to score points but don't get hit by those other balls AND OHP HE CAUGHT THE BALL. Game over, the Puffs lose in the shortest game ever. How sad. Sports! Scene: The End of The Year The First Headmaster addresses the students in the Great Hall. All the Puf stand, giggly with anticipation. FIRST HEADMASTER: Students! Gather round, Yes, yes. Another year! ‘What a year it has been. Now, the House Cup must be awarded. In fourth place, the Braves with 312 points. In third place, the Pulls CEDRIC: CANI HEAR A THIRD PLACE?! PUFFS: THIRD PLACE! (A "We Are The Champions"-esque song plays, all about winning third place, The Puffs hug. They cry. They celebrate. The music cuts out) FIRST HEADMASTER: Yes, yes, well done, Snakes. Well. Done. Snakes. However, recent events must be taken into account. Now you may find yourself asking...can he give out more points now? Yes. Yes, he can NARRATOR: And s0...The Headmaster ended up dishing out @ couple of extra points for some questionable accomplishments. OLIVER RIVERS: A chess game? MEGAN JONES: Logic? WAYNE HOPKINS: Pure nerve?” PUFFS: Standing up to friends?! FIRST HEADMASTER: So, we need a change of decoration. n(The First Headmaster changes his hat from green to red.) FIRST HEADMASTER: Haha! Oh, me. (The First Headmaster exits, pleased with himself. The Puffs stand disappointed.) PUFFS: Awww, LEANNE: Hey. Don't be sad. This year we learned skills, built friendships, and nobody died except that teacher! What a year! You can't put a number on life! Unless you can, in which case, i's four. Fourth place for us! (Leanne freezes midair, or at least tries to.) PUFFS: Awwwwwwwww ‘CEDRIC: But hey...we're wizards. PUFFS: Yeaaaah! (The Puffs exit, satisfied for now. The Narrator pulls out a book with a2onit) Scene: Year Two NARRATOR: And that was the class of 98's first year of magic school. Now. YEAR TWO! Ak, the second year. You're older. You're wiser. You're ready for asafe, fun year. NOPE! Welcome to YEAR TWO: THE PUFFS AND THE ANCIENT GIANT SNAKE THAT BEGAN ATTACKING STUDENTS THE SAME YEAR IT WAS DISCOVERED A CERTAIN OTHER STUDENT COULD TALK TO SNAKES. (A giant snake slithers on for a moment. The Narrator covers their eyes.) NARRATOR: Not yet! (The snake slithers away. Oliver enters with teachers.) NARRATOR: First: schoohvork! 23(School bell. We're in Potions class.) A CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER: What is this concoction you have made, MR. RIVERS? OLIVER RIVERS: A potion? A-CERTAIN POTIONS TEACHER!Wemedial Potions will be in order this year. (School bell. Now we're in Professor McG's class.) PROFESSOR McG: OLIVER! You were to transfigure this beetle into a ‘button, What is so difficult about that? OLIVER RIVERS: Everything? PROFESSOR MeG: Remedial Transfiguration, Oliver. (School bell, We're in Ghost History Teach's ‘lass. He is a ghost.) GHOST HISTORY TEACH: History of magic. Magic history. Wizards, History. Remedial History of Magic, MR. RIVERS! (Ghost History Teach exits) OLIVER RIVERS: But...'m a... a smart person. (Oliver cries toa fellow student.) OLIVER RIVERS: I'm a smart person! (Colin enters with « camera, Click. He takes a picture of Oliver crying.) OLIVER RIVERS: Hey, cut it out (Click. Colin takes another picture.) OLIVER RIVERS: Seriously, please leave me alone. (Click) OLIVER RIVERS: GET AWAY FROM HERE NOW! (Cabin 1? to leave. He turns back. Click He exits) 4OLIVER RIVERS: hope something really bad happens to that kid (The Narrator enters NARRATOR: Yikes, Halloween arived, and brought with ta nasty surprise. (Megan enters with Wayne. Megan now wears glasses and is holding a large stack of books. The trio crosses together.) MEGAN JONES: A Secret Chamber has been opened. There's a monster. There's a messaze written in blood. It's the coolest thing ever. Also, I'm into books row. (They exit) NARRATOR: Naturally, ess people were as excited about this, (Professor Locky enters. He's got a nice smile.) PROFESSOR LOCKY: [am not excited about this! It is my duty to make sure ‘you are all educated. So! Who wants to come to DUELING CLUB?! (All rush on around Professor Locky:) Scene: Dueling Club & Harry Wants to Kill Everyone PROFESSOR LOCKY: Now. None of us want to end up like that poor boy who was attacked. The one with the camera, OLIVER RIVERS. No. Ve certainly didn't want anything bad to happen to him PROFESSOR LOCKY; Let's get some volunteers up here, Um, Mr, Potter. (Professor Locky magically immediately becomes A Certain Potions Teacher.) A CERTAIN POTIONS TEA’ HER: And Mr, Malfoy. (Harry and Blondo step forward.) 25BLONDO MALFOY: SNAKE SPELL! (A snake shoots out of Blondo's wand and lands in J. Finch’s hands.) 5 INCH: AgSJ. Bich sees a snake, J. Finch is going to die! (Harry grabs the snake, He speaks to it. The Narrator enters.) HARRY: Snake, no! Snake what are you doing? Don't bite Justin. Leave us alone. NARRATOR: Uniortunately, this is not what the rest of the school heard. This is: (Harry waves the snake at everyone.) HARRY: SS$Saaah aGrrraaa Grraaaaassaaaaahhh!!! J. FINCH: Harry tried to kill me! WAYNE HOPKINS: He's going to kill everyone! (The Pug panic and run around.) PUFFS: AHHHEHHHHH! AHHBH! WE ARE NOT A THREAT! Scene: More Terror in the Common Room This panic transitions to a fear huddle in the Puff common room. PUFFS: Please be our friend. WAYNE HOPKINS: No question about it, Potter is the Heir of Snakes. ‘Someone has to stop him. SUSIE BONES: He's going to kill us all 3. FINCH: No, It's just ol! J. Finch he's after. And I never got..I never got to... never got to eat all the flavored beans. ERNIE MAC: Justin, welll keep you safe, Just promise me you won't leave ‘this common room, Promise us all you won't leave. J. FINCH: I promise... Welp! I'm going to leave now, bye! PUFFS: Bye! (U. Finch leaves. Preferably via skipping,) SALLY PERKS: ..Let’s all go to bed? 26PUFFS: *Oo0! *Bed. *Bed sounds nice. *Et. (All exit) Scene: The Heir of Snakes J. Pinch enters (maybe still skipping). He sings. 4, FINCH: J. Finch, finchin’ around. Finchin’ the halls. (Mr. Nick, a ghost, enters.) J. FINCH: Oh, hi, Mr. Niet MR. NICK: Hello Justin! (The snake slithers out. J. Finch and Nick see the snake and find themselves petrified. Harry enters.) HARRY: Uh oh! Better get out of here before someone sees me! (Other students enter. They point at Harry, scream, and run away) HARRY: Nobody understands Harry! (Harry exits. Cedric enters and sees the petrified J. Finch and Mr. Nick. Mr. Nick, frozen in horror, floats off stage as Cedric lifts up the stone-still J. Finch.) CEDRIC: We'll get you finching around again in no time. (Cedric carries J. Finch off as Wayne and Oliver enter, checking ‘every corner. Megan bursts in.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Shhbhhh! It got J. Finch, We have to be careful. Who knows what could be lurking around every comer. MEGAN JONES: Well if all of the books I've been reading mean anything, there is definitely a monster, and it's out to kill everyone. It’s super cool, I mean...meri-tori-ous. I'm into books now. OLIVER RIVERS: This is a lot for twelve-year-olds to handle. raWAYNE HOPKINS: The adults aren't helping...s0, obviously it must fall to ‘Be to finc this monster, defeat Potter, and go down in history as the hero of the school. OLIVER RIVERS: I don't know if you're qualified for any of that WAYNE HOPKINS: I'll get an award. Megan, take Oliver to safety. It's definitely coming for him next. ‘OLIVER RIVERS: ..What?! MEGAN JONES: It’s after Mug Borns. You're a Mug Born. Which mea ‘you're next. OH MY WIZARD GOD WHAT IS THAT?! OLIVER RIVERS: AHHHHHAL MEGAN JONES: Ha, Just kidding. Wow. I's gonna be a fun year. OLIVER RIVERS: Wayne, if I get petrified, make sure I'm in a dignified position (Oliver and Megan exit. Wayne scans the room.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Okay, This must be it, The thing I'm supposed to do to make that Magic-Future-Mirror reflection of my awesome future self my actual future, [just gotta kill a monster. J can find it inside myself. My inner...Robocop. My spiritual John McClane. Yeah, “Hley, Monster! Pui on this...” Pew, pew, pew. (Ginny, «fellow student and romantic interest, enters. She 100 scans the room for some unknown terror, a diary clutched in her hands. Distracted, she bumps into Wayne. The diary falls to the ground Upon eye contact, Wayne is immediately in lave.) GINNY: Oh, I™m...'m sorry. My fault WAYNE HOPKINS: No! I was jus... Hi 'm Wayne. GINNY: Ginny. My name is Ginny. It’s very nice meeting you, Wayne. (Ginny starts to exit) WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey, don't forget your diary. (Ginny freaks out) GINNY: NOOOD! WHAT WILL IT MAKE ME DO NEXT?! WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey, if i's so bad why don't you just put it somewhere no one will ever find it? Like a toilet or something? GINNY: A toile? Maybe. ‘Tagaks, Wayne. 28(Ginny exits.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Wow. I am in love. As soon as I become the hero of the ‘school, that girl will want to marry me. This is really my year! Scene: A Great Hall Again/End of Year Again We find ourselves back in the Great Hall. The First Headmaster enters, A Certain Potions Teacher behind him, FIRST HEADMASTER: Students! Gather round. Yes. Yes, (All enter and arrange themselves to listen to The First Headmaster. J. Finch, still petrified, is carried on by Cedric.) FIRST HEADMASTER; : just want to reaffirm to you all: even in the face of great danger, the doors of this school will always remain open. (A Certain Potions Teacher whispers in The First Headmaster's ear.) FIRST HEADMASTER: Never mind. A redhead's been kidnapped. School's cancelled forever. Go home. MEGAN JONES: Yes! Forget books! Suck it everyone, (A Certain Potions Teacher again whispers in The First Headmaster's ear.) FIRST HEADMASTER: Never mind, The monster is dead. Let's hear a big round of applavse for the boy who fought it alone...MR. POTTER! (Harry enters with Ron Mop as all applaud.) HARRY: Not completely alone. Ron helped. I'm the hero of the school! (All applaud as Harry bows) FIRST HEADMASTER: Yes. Yes. Now, you all know I don't pick favorites. But, Harry—he's my favorite. Now, please, I would like to take a moment of silence for my pet bird who tragically died. »(A phoenix cries.) FIRST HEADMASTER: NeVver mind, He's alive again. Exams are cancelled. See you next year! (All celebrate and exit, save poor J. Finch who is stil petrified. The Narrator enters.) NARRATOR: Year Two. The one with snakes (The Narrator sees J. Finch, They snap their fingers and J. Finch skips off lke nothing ever happened.) J. FINCH: J. Fineh, finching around! NARRATOR: Ta da! Scene: Letters NARRATOR: The Summer of ‘93! And our trio was determined to keep in. ‘touck the old-fashioned way: by writing two copies of the same letter and then sending them by owl across the world, (The trio each stand isolated in three separate spots. Each is at their varicus homes and each holds a quill. They write.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Dear Megan & Oliver. This new movie just came out Its called Free Willy. I's about a young boy's adventure to free a whale. 1 was amazing. I can't stop thinking about how adventures come in all shapes and sizes. I know mine is coming. I just have to find my own whale. I have to free my own Willy. Wayne. P-S. HOW DOES THIS OWL KNOW WHERE TO GO?! (Weshift to Oliver.) OLIVER RIVERS: Wayne! Yeah...sure. Free your Willy. See you soon! ~Oliver. (We shift back to Wayne, now with Uncle Dave.) UNCLE DAVE: Unele Dave here, There is an owl in my livin’ room! HaHA! Birés! 30(We shift to Megan.) MEGAN JONES: Wayne! Oliver! ...Wayne's uncle. Willys? Whatever! Big news: a mass murderer broke out of Wizard Prison. What ifmy mom sent him after me?! To come and rescue me from that shitty school?! Ive got a feeling..this year, things are going to be really...Sirius. (Hold for uproarious laughter.) P.S. The guy's name is Sirius (Allexit) NARRATOR: A murderer on the loose? Ruh roh. But not to worry. Wizard Government safety measures have been put into effect. Something that will make the children feel..safe. (The atmosphere all around the theater becomes chilling. Wind blows. The sound of a heart beating faster and faster. Screams Lights go out. Siowly, Soul Sucking Security Guards appear in various places. Behind the Narrator, a giant Soul Sucking Security Guard's hands appear. The heart beat quickens. The screams get louder. The giant Soul Sucking Security Guard climbs over the walls poised to attack. The audience grips their chests in search of a happy thought. Unable to find one, they crumble in their seats. The ‘Narrator pulls out their wand) NARRATOR. EXPECTING AN EXPECTATION! (A flash of white Ight. The Soul Sucking Security Guards shriek and ‘flee. The Narrator pulls out a ***chocolate treat and distributes it to the front row of the audience.) NARRATOR: ...Very safe. Here, you in the front, Eat this. It's magic chocolate. A [***name of whatever chocolate]. itll make you fee! happy again. Youin the back...1'm sorry. You're sad forever. Safety is the name of the game in YEAR THREE: THE PUFFS IN PAJAMAS, BECAUSE A MASS MURDERER GOT INTO THE SCHOOL! 31Scene: Year Three ‘The trio stands center. Megan displays a real plucky, go-get-'em, and Brave attitude, Oliver reiterates an observation that he cannot possibly believe he is the only one who has noticed. OLIVER RIVERS: am telling you guys, The Headmaster looks different this year. WAYNE HOPKINS: Oliver, I'm a little more worried about the murderer ‘coming to our school. Megan, what if he's not coming to rescue you...what if he's coming to murder someone?! MEGAN JONES: Nope. He's definitely coming to rescue me. It'll be a super ‘huge deal because this year I will be spending my time with the Braves, and everything notable that happens, happens to them, Like this guy! (Clumsy Longbottom has entered. He stands there, confused about life.) CLUMSY LONSBOTTOM: I'm Neville? I'm Brave? MEGAN JONES: If'you need me, we will be out there being both rebellious ‘and charming, And Brave! (The two exit as Leanne enters and circles Wayne and Oliver. She hands out invitations.) LEANNE: Guys! Guys! Guys. Come to my slumber party! It's in the Great Halll On the floor! Its going to be so much fun. But I warn you: T snore! Want to see? (She falls asleep. She does not snore.) WAYNE HOPKINS: ..Leanne? LEANNE: Sorry! Twas having a dream T was a unicorn, only I didn't have a hhom end I was eating hay. OLIVER RIVERS: *Sorry, I've got alot going on. WAYNE HOPKINS: *Ooh, can’t, I think. LEANNE: Aw. Everyone is busy. (Leanne exits as Sally enters. She takes one of the invitations.) SALLY PERKS: Hmm, What's this? 32WAYNE & OLIVER, Sally. SALLY PERKS: You boys are having a slumber party? Ooh! (Sally removes her glasses, Wayne and Oliver, thirteen-year-old boys, feel something.) WAYNE & OLIVER: Hi, Sally. SALLY PERKS: Hm. I don't have a sleeping bag. Guess I'll have to share. Hahaha. WAYNE & OLIVER: HAHAHAHAHA! (lt dawns on Sally that this new-found love of her jokes is somehow related to her current lack of glasses. She tosses them away. She cannot see without them.) SALLY PERKS: Guess I'llbe seeing you boys...around. (She leaves, or atleast tries to. Legally blind, she takes a moment to desperately search for the exit.) OLIVER RIVERS: Oh my, my, Sally Perks certainly ‘perked up’ if you know what [uh WAYNE & OLIVER: [have to go. (They exit.) NARRATOR: In their third year, students are allowed to pick electives, Enthralling subjects such as: Scene: Electives School bell. Wayne enters. Throughout the following classes, ‘Hermeoone is ineach class behind whichever member of the trio is speaking, She is played by a different actor each time. WAYNE HOPKINS: Divination! The art of seeing the future. PROFESSOR LANNY: Coo. The future! Ooo! The inner eye. Tea leaves And— (Everything shifs 10 be much more ominous.) 33PROFESSOR LANNY: —Death, DEATH is coming. To you all! DEAAAATH! (Everything abruptly shifts back to normal.) sSOR LANNY: *Cough* What? Class dismissed. (School Bell. Professor Lanny becomes the Runes Teach as Megan ‘and Hermeoone #2 enter.) MEGAN JONES: Ancient Runes. Its about rocks. RUNES TEACH: NOW! How old do you think this rune is? Guess what, I's ANCIENT. Its an ANCIENT RUNE. MEGAN JONES: Is this useful in any way? RUNES TEACH: Nope! Class dismissed forever (School bell. Runes Teach becomes Ms, Babble as Oliver enters with Hermeoone #3.) OLIVER RIVERS: Arithmancy. Another class I'm sure I'l fail MS. BABBLE Welcome, class, to Mug Studies, OLIVER RIVERS: Ohp, sorry. Wrong room. MS. BABBLE Now can anyone tell me what this is? (Ms, Babble holds up a picture ofa toaster. Oliver slowly raises his hand) OLIVER RIVERS: ...That is a toaster. MS. BABBLE: Oooh, a smarty smart. A regular Binstein—we'll cover him later. Now, can anyone tell me what algebra is? (Oliver turns with the world’s biggest grin on his face.) OLIVER RIVERS: I'd like to stay in this class please! (Wayne and Megan enter next to Oliver.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Wait a second! How is Granger in all three of our classes, at the same time? (A beat of silence. They then realize...) 34ALL THREE: Magic. (They exit, The three Hermeoones enter and nearly bump into each other.) HERMEEONES: Oh, honestly. (They exit as the Narrator enters.) NARRATOR: And so, the school was off to an eventful, yet safe, start. But all that would change on, you guessed it: Halloween, (The Narrator exits as the following voiceover starts. It emulates a school overhead announcement from the “new,” harsher Headmaster. Megan perks up at the news.) SECOND HEADMASTER (V.0)}: Attention, students...The Headmaster here ‘The mutderer is in the school..he attacked @ portrait then lef. Report to the Great Hall! I SAID NOW! (Megan sulks off to the side as the other Puffs enter, yawning, ‘awoken from sleep.) Scene: A Great Hall Slumber Party The students enter and chant, sort of bored at this point PUFFS: We are not a threat. Please be our friend. (Leanne enters, excited.) LEANNE: Guys! Guys! THE WHOLE SCHOOL CAME TO MY SLUMBER PARTY! Why is everyone so sad and frightened?! SUSIE BONES: That poor painting, PUFPS: That poor yinting HANNAH: Hey guys, someone told me that the murderer is only going after pretty girls s0 I don't have to worr—oh. I get it, they were bullying (Cedric enters) 35CEDRIC: Everyone, I've been told to inform you it looks like welll be spending the whole night here. PUFES: *(Sad) Awww, LEANNE: "Yay! CEDRIC: But hey! How about a story to help you get to sleep? HANNAH: Maybe a story about the Puffs? J, FINCH: A cool one? PUFFS: YEAH, (The Puffs all cross their arms and show they want a cool story.) CEDRIC: There's the story of Helga. The First Puff. That's a pretty...cool story. (The Puffs slowly move towards Cedric and the book, because hey, ‘cool sory.) CEDRIC: All right then. “Once upon a time...” (The Narrator enters. We magically transition to something akin to a children's puppet show.) NARRATOR: A professional will take it from here! From “The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puts,” Chapter Two. “There once lived ‘an excellent cook, who also happened to be a witch. Her name was Helga.” (Helga enters.) HELGA; Have you seen my cup? It's a nice cup. Oh, badgers. NARRATOR “She could often be found hanging out with her special friends!” (Rowena pops up wearing glasses. She is a puppet.) ROWENA: Let’ play a game. Who can read all the books: am so smart HELGA: Why don't we play a different game? That is, if you are brave ‘enough? Whoops I won! I (Rie Groff bursts in, bravely. He is a puppet.) RIC GRYFF: Did someone mention bravery in passing? Rawr. 36(Sal slithers on. He is. yppet,) SAL: SSSSSAAAAA AaacaaaaaaasGrassttthaaaaaaaaaaaa, Hey guys HELGA: We have all of this great magical knowledge, why don't we start a school? NARRATOR: “And so;4ffey magic'd a castle into existence. But they were left with an imptfant question to answer: what type of students would they admit?” RIC GRYFF: Students who are bravel ROWENA: Students whore are smart! SAL: Students who are blonde, Rich. Assholes. (They look to Helga.) HELGA: Students who are...um. Well, oh. (They are interrupted by an announcement from The Second Headmaster.) ‘SECOND HEADMASTER (V.0.): Attention, students. It's time for sleep. Go to sleep. NOW! (The story elements disappear, and the Puffs return to their places around Cedric.) PUFFS: Awwww. But how does it end? CEDRIC: It's okay. Welll finish some other time. Goodnight! (Cedric exits.) MEGAN JONES: Or! How about I finish it for him now? Helga was so stupid ‘and boring, she couldn't come up with anything, so they just gave hee all the dumb kids. The Pufls. The end. LEANNE: ... Worst slumber party ever. (The Puffs all sadly go to sleep. Wayne and Oliver step over to Megan.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Meggaaaaan? You alright? MEGAN JONES: Lnever wanted to be a Puff. Every member of my family? Puffs, We're like THE Puff family. But I've always known that I was different. There's nothing even special about Puffs. Loyalty? Being really nice? A bunch of lame, awful failures doomed to be stupid 37walking personality-less nobodies that no one will ever care about ever? Ugh. My mom was a Puff. But she was different. She became sometting bigger. She made the name Jones finally mean something, other than a bunch of...Puffz.I thought... knew... would be different too. But.-after ali my hatd work té4nake myself not a Puff, ‘what do you know? The hat puts me with the Puts. I did everything I mean, I even changed my accent just so I wouldn't sound like my Puff family. WAYNE & OLIVER: Ohhhhthh, MEGAN JONES: It’ not fair. OLIVER RIVERS: Well, I for one am happy you were not kidnapped by a mass murderer. Or “rescued.” WAYNE HOPKINS: And, I'd like fo think you've met at least two Puffs who are...kind of okay? (Wayne and Oliver do an “Eh?” gesture.) MEGAN JONES: Ha, Maybe. I guess. Sorry to bring the mood down, Sorry to make things so...irius. She’s not coming here. Ever. I feel the need to hug. Don't tell anyone, (Megan hugs Oliver WAYNE HOPKINS: I'm corning in. (Wayne joins the hug. Leanne wakes up and runs to join the hug 100,) LEANNE: Why are we hugging? Wait, Dont tell me, PI figure it out MEGAN JONES: Hey everyone, Im sorry I was mean. You're not stupid LEANNE: That's okay, right? Puff hug?! (Everyone gets very excited. They wait for Megan's approval.) MEGAN JONES: Fine. Puff Hug PUFFS: YAY! PUFF HUGI!! (The Puffs surround Megan in a Puff hug. Another announcement) SECOND HEADMASTER (V.0.): Attention students! You're all safe. We think. Don't forget! Tomorrow you have a field trip into town. HAVE FUN! PUFFS: FIELD TRIP! 38Scene: FIELD TRIP! A rollicking 1991s partying song. The Narrator enters with several bottles of Adult Butter Beverage. Each Puff, excited, grabs one. But hhow exactly does one party? The music fades as all stand in awkward silence. Eventually, Hannah tries io fill the void. HANNAH: Hey guys...that Sirius guy. I hear he can tur into a,..uh. flowery shrub...it's true. PUFFS: (Feigning interest) Ohh. (All slowly take a drink, Blackout. Lights come back up on VERY DRUNK CHILDREN.) ERNIE MAC; [heard a rumor that our new teacher. He's a were-. Awere- SALLY PERKS: Aware of what?! (AU laugh. This is the funniest thing that they have ever heard. Blackout. Lights up on Leanne balancing a bottle on her head while Cedric points his wand at it, Everyone watches, unsure of how this will go,) CEDRIC: Hold still. PUEFS: Ahhh, (Cedric lowers his wand. Leanne keeps fidgeting. Cedric raises the wand) CEDRIC: Hold stil. PUES: Ahhhh. (Cedric lowers his wand, A pause. He quickly raises it, and EVERYONE SCREAMS, Blackout. Lights up on everyone crying. J. Finch leans on Cedric's shoulder.) JL FINCH: Ihave flashbecks to my petrified days, I never want to sleep again. J. Finch has slept enough fora lifetime SUSIE BONES: know how you feel Life is a nightmare PUFFS: Yeah. 39(Leanne has somehow found her way into the audience or somewhere surprising.) LEANNE: Guys?! I don't know how I got out here?! PUFFS: YEAH! (Party music returns. What a fun time.) WAYNE HOPKINS: HBY! To the Putts, and to getting totally butterbuzzed! PUFFS: BUTTERBUZZED! OLIVER RIVERS: Anyone know what place we're in for the House Cup this year? ‘MEGAN JONES: Do you even have to ask? LEANNE: FOURTH PLACE PUFFS: FOURTH! PLACE! (The Narrator enters as Puffs slip, shuffle, and push past, butter drunk) NARRATOR; Year Three—oh. Oh, oh my. YOU ARE THIRTEEN!— (All ave gone.) NARRATOR: —concluded, Now...we've been having a good time so far, right? L must wam you. Fate; i's never kind to a hero. But who does fate hate even more? The side characters. Scene: Letters, Again The trio stand in their various letter writing spots, Megan entertains hhevselfwith something from the Mug-world. A gift rom her friends. WAYNE HOPKINS: Dear Megan & Oliver, so um, my Uncle Dave died. It ‘was sudden and weird, Weird because I don't think anybody really cared? No one really knew him. I barely even did. In the end he was just some dead...znimportant guy. I don't want that to happen fo me, want to be a part of something big, something important at least offecin my life. Weird, -Wayne. OLIVER RIVERS: Wayne, at least our fourth year will be starting soon, and ‘you can forget about death for a white. ~Oliver. 40(They exit.) NARRATOR: Yes, back to school. Whete nothing dangerous ever happens. Scene: Goblets. Fires. ‘The Second Headmaster enters. A bit grizalier. A bit less soft spoken. SECOND HEADMASTER: Attention, students! Same headmaster, here. This. ‘year we will be hosting two other wizard schools. One with French people. (Prenchy Delacour enters, She's very French. She speaks with a French accent, France. Got it?) FRENCHY: Bonjour, je suis trés supérieure, Ooo, Baguette (A magical baguette appears in her hands.) SECOND HEADMASTER: And the Drago-Strang Institute. They are all very intimidating, and they break dance. (Viktor enters, He's very inimidating.) VIKTOR: I cannot be defeated. If he dies, he dies. SECOND HEADMASTER: They are here to compete alongside one of you in ‘a very dangecous Wizard Tournament. Anyone who wishes to participate, put your name in this cup. We'll draw names on Halloween! (A cup with fire flowing out of t appears. Itis the Cup of Fire. The Narrator pulls out Book Four:) NARRATOR’ It only gets more exciting in YEAR FOUR: THE PUFFS AND ‘THE YEAR THEY MATTERED! (The Narrator holds the Cup of Fire as all students enter the Great Hall.) SECOND HEADMASTER: I's Halloween! Let’s find out who our competitors will be. 4MEGAN JONES: Whoever it is, we're stuck focusing on them for the entire year. If this school has taught me anything, we're going to be disappointed. PUFFS: (Not excited) Yeah. (Fire spews out of the cup. Or what we will call "fire." A piece of ‘paper appears as well. The Second Headmaster takes it and reads it) SECOND HEADMASTER: Ow! Hot! Fire! ...Mr. Diggory. (A beat of silence. What did he say? He couldn't have said. Did he— THE PUFFS FREAK OUT) PUFFS: AHHHAHHHH! (Cedric walks off to blaring guitars and rock music.) PUFFS: Cedric, Cedric, Cedric! WAYNE HOPKINS: Omigosh. This is it! The big thing I've been waiting for! ‘This is our tur in the limelight. This year is all about the Puffs! And ‘no one can take it from us! (Surprising to all, another name shoots out of the cup. And FIRE! ‘More fire” too, The Second Headmaster grabs i.) SECOND HEADMASTER: Ow—hot. Fire...again. ..Mr. Potter? (A sturned silence.) ‘SECOND HEADMASTER: MR. POTTER!!! {0011 11HtHi nuit (Harry walks up sheepishly) HARRY: Uh ob, What'd I get into this time? SECOND HEADMASTER: HARRY!!! 11111 .0001010012 0.000 0010 11811117 (After hat outburst of anger, The Second Headmaster takes a breath ‘and speaks in a calm and collected tone.) SECOND HEADMASTER: Did you put your name in that little ol cup over there? Did you? I'm the definition of calm right now. a(Harry scampers off. The Second Headmaster follows, amused. Oh, Harry. The Puffs are a litle bummed out.) PUFFS: Aww. WAYNE HOPKINS: Never mind that. We have a job to do. We have to make sure the right winner wins. Potter's had his turn. Cedric is our champion! PUFFS: Cedric!!! (The Puffs surrouad Wayne, pumped up, breathing heavy. They've never felt as frenzied.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Great, Let's go make some badges? PUFFS: Badges! (All exit but Oliver, who calls out after them.) OLIVER RIVERS: Wait, I'm president of Mug Studies club, and I was hoping. some of you would maybe join. (Harry enters with Ron Mop. They are in the midst of an angry and sincere fight, HARRY: Ron?! No, I didnt—RON! Oh? Is that what you think, Ron? Well, fine, Ron, I guess we're not friends. Not anymore. (Harry throws Ror to the ground and exits, Oliver stands and looks at this dejected mop. He picks up Ron Mop in an attempt to cheer him up through polite conversation. Ron Mop will have none of that) OLIVER RIVERS: Hi. I'm sure you two are going to be all right. Whoa, okay. Calm down. Hey, there's no need to be an asshole. Yeah well you can bloody hell ycurself! **Y ou really are the worst member of your family. (**Feel free-49 se@ivhat you'd like for that final line. Oliver exits with Ron Mop.) 4BScene: Not Forgivable Curses Puffs rush on, chanting "Cedric," They wear pro-Cedric badges. Real Mr. Moody enters. He has an eye. A big eye. Like, that eye is really all anyone should look at. Is it rude to look at the eye? REAL MR. MOODY: All righ, class, settle down. SETTLE DOWN! Today's lessen: curses that are...not forgivable. Trust me. Because I am the ordinary. NOT fake. Moody. Got it? PUFFS: Yes, Real Mr. Moody. REAL MR. MOODY: Now, there's @ curse where you control people. PUFFS: Ooh. REAL MR, MOODY: There's a curse where you hurt people. PUFFS: Ahhh. REAL MR. MOODY: And, there's a curse that kills. Well call it the Green Ligtt Curse. Because when you use it there's a bright green light. AVADA KEDABRA! PUFFS: AHHHHHE!! (He points his wand to the sky as a bright green light illuminates the stage.) REAL MR. MOODY: Now who wants to see me mess with some spiders? (Bveryone follows Real Mr. Moody off.) Scene: Days Before the First Task Cedric enters, practicing. Leanne, Hannah, and J. Finch turn to watch. Rita Scooter, journalist and expertly named character, joins then. NE, J.FINCH, & HANNAH: Oooo! LEANNE: Cedric! Are you ready for the First Task?! CEDRIC: I tink I was born ready. Bearspell! (A teddy bear magically appears in Leanne's hands. Everyone is amazed. They applaud.) J, FINCH: Cedric! Are you nervous?CEDRIC: I'll be nervous oace it's over. Erectio! (Brectio isa speli which straightens an object or erects a structure. Therefore, something in J. Finch’s hands straightens out or erects itself: Meanwhile, something within his pants does the same. He hides itwith his cloak. Magic. Wow. Amazing.) J. FINCH: Oh! WHAT THE? RITA SCOOTER: But, Cedric. Will you win? CEDRIC: Hm. Repairio! (Hannah holds up a pair of glasses she was holding, Pe 18) HANNAL: He fixed these glasses I was holding! LEANNE, J, FINCH, & HANNAH: Woooow. CEDRIC: Getting to compete against three great wizards, and learn all about other wizard cultures? I think I already won. LEANNE, J. FINCH, & HANNAH: Awwww. (Wayne runs on with a large notebook) WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey, uh, Cedric, I was wondering if you had a minute? CEDRIC: Sure. I'l see yeu all later. HANNAH & J, FINCH: *Bye, Cedric! "Good luck! LEANNE: You're a wizaid, Cedric! (They exit,) ‘CEDRIC: Hi, Wayne! WAYNE HOPKINS: Uh, hi, So. I've been staying up all night, not all night, but all night, and sort of reading up on past tournaments to figure out what sort ofsreatures they might throw at you for the First Task DDRIC: I definitely won't say no to help. Give me a few of them, (Wayne opens nis notebook, Bach “creature” has an associated page that we see with a drawing and writings about it) WAYNE HOPKINS: Okay! So, ub, in 1792 they had to catch cockatrices. ‘What would you do? CEDRIC: Him, I would.-use magic! Aviafors! 45(A bird appears in Wayne's hand, He screams in surprise and throws it offstage.) WAYNE HOPKINS: You're not wrong. How about an angry Vila? CEDRIC: Walk up to her. Gently move a strand of hair behind her ear. Take her hand. And show her just why they call me Diggory. Then use magic. Cheerio! (Harmah, Leanne, and J. Finch have popped their heads out again during Cedrio’s sensual line. They pass out after “Diggory” and are relieved upon use of this spell. Happy, they exit) WAYNE HOPKINS: Awesome. CEDRIC: Aviafors! (Another bird appears in Wayne's hands. He throws it offstage.) WAYNE HOFKINS: Oh. ..Awe....0me? Ok, um I should also add that I don't completely know a lot about fantastical beasts, or even whete one migh¢ find them. So, I threw in some crazy things that might exist. Like Balrog! (He Jips to a page with a Balrog. Cedric does not know what this is) WAYNE HOPKINS: Or, oo! Beholders. Not real? Dam. Or... ***Mr Smuffalupagus? (Whatever this may be, Wayne is a litle embarrassed and confused cas towhy he added it) CEDRIC: Hey. Can I see that? (Cedric flips through the book, Itis upside down.) CEDRIC: Wow. This is really in depth. What ancient language is this? (Wayne moves it right side up.) CEDRIC: Oh. I see. Modern English. Right, Do you mind if I hang on to this?(Cedrie turns to ¢ page with another pop culture creature on it and holds it in just such a way that we can see it Perhaps it isa Dalek Perhaps itis anything else that will get the wonderful nerds excited.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Please. Definitely. Thanks for letting me help you! CEDRIC: Thank me? Thaak you! Aviafors! (One more bird appears. Over it, Wayne throws it offstage.) CEDRIC: If T manage to win this thing, f'm telling everyone it was because of your help. WAYNE HOPKINS: 1.00) (Harry enters ina tizzy and runs past Wayne.) HARRY: Excuse me, Cedric. CEDRIC!! Dragons! I's dragons. Anything else you've prepared for, forget it. Dragons! (Harry closes the notebook for Cedric and exits in a panic.) CEDRIC: Thanks! Hey, you all should probably stop wearing those badges. Harry, wait up! [old them to stop wearing the badges! (Cedric chases after Harry.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Dragons are on page 256! They eat dogs if that helps? (Professor MeG enters, In her hands are three sad birds, who never asked to exist.) PROFESSOR McG: Who is throwing all of these birds?! WAYNE HOPKINS: I better get a good seat (Wayne rans off) Scene: The First Task The Narrator enters. NARRATOR: And finally! It was time for the First Task! Listen to that ‘CROWDI!! "1(The Puffs. enter decked out in yellow. They sit amongst the audience. They distribute a few flags to any lucky folks seated nearty. Everyone buzzes. This event is huge. Mr. Bagman enters.) MR. BAGMAN: Microphonus (He pulls out a microphone.) MR. BAGMAN: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 1994 THREE WIZARD TOURNAMENT! Now. Are. You, READY?! Then let hear it for your first champion, (Epic entrance music.) MR. BAGMAN: Weighing in at 12 1/4 inches, with the hair of a unicom, Hailing from the quaint town of St. Catchpole. He's a prefect in the streets. He's a seeker in the sheets. Put your hands together for this sixth year... MR. DIGGORY! (Cearic enters. All cheer.) MR. BAGMAN; Cedric! You must obtain the golden egg on the field, But in order to do so, first: you'll have to get past this highly dangerous DRAGON! (Entrance music fit for a ‘90's WHE wrestler. The Dragon enters All boo. The Dragon, ever the heel, taunis the audience, A wrestling bell dings.) MR. BAGMAN: It's time to BEGIN! (The Puffs chant.) PUFFS: CEDRIC CEDRIC HE'S OUR MAN IF HE CAN'T DO IT WELL STILL BE HAPPY WE HAD THIS CHANCE! GO CEDRIC! CEDRIC: Igneous Canineitaro! (Cedric points his wand at a rock held by the Narrator. It changes into a dog! The Dragon is distracted by it, because lunch.) 48WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey! He just tuned that rock into a dog! That was from my book! HE READ MY BOOK! AHHHE! CEDRIC: Yes, dragon. Go after the nice doggy. Eat the nice doggy. MR. BAGMAN: Cedric has turned a rock into an adorable barking puppy to distract the dragon, (Cedric runs pastthe Dragon. The Dragon rips the dog's head off) MR. BAGMAN: Oh MY GOD, the dragon has ripped the head off the dog, and there is now a dead dog on the field. The dragon has turned on Cedric. Cedric is on fire! Do not be confused by the tone of my voice, he is literally on fire! ANNNNNNND! He's got the egg! (Cedric enters scorched and holds a golden egg above his head. The Puffs erupt in applause. They rush the stage and surround Cedric. They hoist him on their shoulders. NOTE: if doubling Mr. Bagman with Viktor, the following line can be recorded as a voiceover to facilitate a quick change.) MR. BAGMAN: Need I remind everyone that there is still a dragon. Right there (The Dragon re-qppears and roars. All scream, celebrate, and exit) PUFFS: AHH! Yay! AHI Yay! NARRATOR: The results of the First Task. Cedric came in a very exciting second place! Frenchy, she came in third. (Frenchy and Vitwor enter. Frenchy puts the Dragon to sleep, and Viktor is his intimidating self to it) FRENCHY: Dragon, s'endormir, Baguette NARRATOR: Viktor tied for first VIKTOR: I must break you NARRATOR: And whom did Viktor tie with? (Harry jumps oui) HARRY: I did it. I got the golden egg. Against all odds, I did it! (Harry snuggles with the Dragon and exits. Oh, Harry.) 49NARRATOR: And that, my friends, is the story of how four dragons were tricked into believing one of their children had been stolen from them. : (The Dragon exits, crying. Oliver, Megan, and Wayne enter.) NARRATOR: Now that the highly dangerous First Task was done, the time had come for something truly terrifying: a school dance. Scene: Dates for the Ball Lightning strikes, Thunder OLIVER RIVERS: A school dance? No. Not going. WAYNE HOFKINS: We have to, To support Cedric! MEGAN JONES: But. 4 school dance. OLIVER RIVERS: We have to find dates. Who would want to go with us?! WAYNE HOFKINS: Well... kind of have one person in mind, (Ginay emers. Wayne looks back to Oliver and Megan.) OLIVER RIVERS: Go tor it MEGAN JONES: Yeah, come on. What's the worst that could happen? (Wayne takes a breath, musters his courage, and approaches Ginny. Clumsy Longbottom enters.) WAYNE HOPKINS: *Ginny. CLUMSY LCNGBOTTOM: "Ginny, will you go to the ball with me? GINNY: Sure, Neville! Hi, Wayne. (Ginny and Clumsy exit together.) MEGAN JONES: Yikes. Ifit makes you feel better, that Longbottom kid...he's ugly. And he'll probably stay ugly forever. WAYNE HOPKINS: While true, that doesn't help me find a date to the ball! OLIVER RIVERS: How about this? Right now, forget her, forget nerves, and justask the next person you see. WAYNE HOPKINS: Okay. (Leanne rushes on and stands directly in front of Wayne.)LEANNE: Hii! OLIVER RIVERS: Leanne, Wayne here has a question, LEANNE: A question, what's that? OLIVER RIVERS: It's what you literally just..Wayne? WAYNE HOPKINS: Leanne, has anyone asked you to the ball yet? LEANNE: Just my imaginary friend, J. Finch Fletchley. But I said no because...he's imaginary. (. Finch has entered. He hears this strange revelation, Could it be true? He looks at his hands, hoping to find proof he's real. How can he be sure? Defeated, he exits.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Well, would you Tike to go with me? LEANNE: Sure! I'l go get readyyyyyyy! (She exits to g2t ready. Wayne calls after her.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Its stil like a week a—okay. Now you have to ask the first person you see. OLIVER RIVERS: Okay. (He immediately makes eye contact with Megan.) MEGAN JONES: *AHH! OLIVER RIVERS: "AIH! Megan. You definitely don't have a date right? MEGAN JONES: Not how I would have started this, OLIVER RIVERS: We could go. You know. Together? (J. Finch enters again, still in crisis. He waves his hands in front of Wayne, praying he can see him, His existence is at stake,) MEGAN JONES: Hmm, Better you than some other loser I guess. Better ‘than...Mr. Imaginary. (. Finch's soul is crushed. His spirit breaks. He is not real, and tnover has heen. He comes to ferms with this rather quickly, and defeat turns ‘0 mischief) J. FINCH: J. Finch doesn't exist. J. Fne.can eo wherever he wants: (J. Finch exits to wherever he wants.) stWAYNE HOPKINS: All right then, We are people with dates! OLIVER & MEGAN: Yeah, Dates! (Harry enters and places himself amongst the trio.) HARRY: I'm not. I want to ask Cho, But I'm so embarrassed. OLIVER RIVERS: Bye, Wayne! Hurry. (Megan and Oliver exit, leaving Wayne with Harry. Harry slowly turns io Wayne. He smiles, his own inner monologue having some sort of unheard thought. Harry hugs Wayne. For a little too long. Then another page of ine variations...this can change nightly. PICK ONE, HARRY! After ONE of those is said and Harry exits, Cedric enters, confused by Harry.) HARRY: (OPTION 1) Say. Remember Year Two? I talked to a spider, He was ‘mean though. He tried to eat me! Then a car saved me, Wow, Fun times for all of us, right? Bye, Wayne! Cedric! I talked to a spider and now I'm talking to- (OPTION 2) Say. Have you ever noticed how the end of the school year isso much busier than the rest of the year? Is it just me or is it like, come on, let's spit up allthis drama, am I right? Am I right? I mean..wbat's' the deal..with that? Phew. Crazy. Bye, Wayne! Cedric. The end of the year is gonna be crazy. (OPTION 3) Hey! Remember that flying car had in Year Two? That was pretty crazy, right?! Bye, Wayne! Vroom Vroom! Honk Honk Cedris! Vroom! (OPTION 4) Hey! Remember in Year Two when that teacher c this. Remember? Now! I have new bones! I HAVE NEW BONES! THEY GREW THEM, removed all my bones? My arm w: Bye, Wayne! Cedric, look at my new bones! (OPTION 5) Boy. I've had a rough couple of years, huh? All those evil people and monsters. And last year, I didn't have a permiss slip to go into town. That was a real bummer for me and my life. But now [ have a permission slip. I got it from..someone. (Winks,) Don't need one for any of the other crazy things that happen here, though, Oh well. Bye, Wayne! Cedric! I have a permission slip. 2 | |(OPTION 6) Want me to get my invisible cloak? Tt makes me invisible. Someiimes I use it to sneak around and take books and breakall the rules! It fits twooo0o. Wink. Bye, Wayne! Hey, Cedric, let me know if you want to See my cloak. But you can't see me in it Hal (OPTION 7) I went to the big Sports Cup over the summer! It was great. I got there by touching @ boot! Wow. BOOTS CAN TAKE YOU ANYWHERE. Welp. Bye, Wayne! Hi, Cedric, Nice boots, (OPTION 8) Say...remember the First Task? That was pretty crazy. At first, I was like, “oh no,” but then I was like “broom!” And then was like ‘vroom vroom,” but then the dragon broke off his chain and chased me all around the school and almost killed a bunch of people. Hahaha—ahhh. Remember that? Feels like ages ago. Bye, Wayne! Cedric, look out for that dragon! Just kidding, WAYNE HOPKINS: HEY! Cedric! Congratulations on the First Task! CEDRIC: Thanks, Wayne. Up topl (Wayne is super happy to high five.) WAYNE HOPKINS: So, you got a date tothe ball yet? CEDRIC: No. T'm more preoccupied with figuring out this golden egg. I've done everything, [tried opening it. WAYNE HOPKINS: Is that it? CEDRIC: Yeah. It just sereams. Watch. (He opens the egg. Itjust screams, “AHH! AHH! AHH!” He closes it, and the annoying scream ceases.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Maybe it's a riddle? T used to work through riddle books in the, .bathtub. CEDRIC: A bathtub? Would that really help? (Real Mr. Moody pops in.) REAL MR. MOODY: D'ggory. Use the bathtub, Trust me. (Real Mr. Moody exits.) CEDRIC: All right, Bathtub itis. Thanks, Real Mr, Moody! See you, Wayne. 3WAYNE HOPKINS: Cedric! I hear Cho is interested in going to the ball with you. You should ask her. CEDRIC: Hm, Sure, why’not! Thanks, mate! (Cedric exits.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Ha. Mate, He might have asked her on his own. Eventually. I just helped...J helped! Scene: A Bathroom ‘The Narrator enters. Throughout the following, the cast assembles and creates a bathroom. It is a dance. Like a ballet. And most importantly, it gives Cedric enough time to change. NARRATOR: Imagine a bathroom. A fancy bathroom. The nice toilets. The decorative sinks. A bathtub, An enormous bathtub. A bathtub so big, if you had friends over they'd say, “Yeah, wow, that's a big tub. [ dont know why I doubted you about the size of this tub. Why do we keep coming in here, Craig?” You know, a bathroom. Now imagine a seventeen-year-old boy. (Cedric enters wearing a towel.) NARRATOR: Yes. Let's watch this seventeen-year-old boy use the bathroom, (The Narrator takes off Cedrie's towel. He wears a pair of shorts or something. Probably.) CEDRIC: Hello, bathtub! BATHROOM (ALL ON STAGE): Hello, Cedric. ERIC: All right. Tub! Egg! Tell me your secrets, (He opens the egg. It just screams more, The screams attract the attention of a young ghost girl.) MYRTLE: Waaaaah! Waaaaaab! Stop that dreadful...oh. Hello. Helllooo! CEDRIC: Uh. Hi. My name's Cedric. You're Myrtle, right? MYRTLE: Hehehe, you know who I am?CEDRIC: Say, you woulen't have any ideas how teffike this,egg tefl me its secrets? I was told a bath would help. MYRTLE: Who told you that? CEDRIC: This guy named Wayne. You know how sometimes you just niet someone and you can tell they/re going togigg great? That's Wayrie, Loyal to a tee, A real Puff. MYRTLE: Oh, CEDRIC: I mean that in a good way. MYRTLE: Ohhh! Well, enough about him, Lets just talk about us. Here. ‘Alone. Myrtle lonely, Cedric. Myrtle wants to moan. CEDRIC: I'm going to go underwater now! Bye! (Cedric ducks down, and the stage is illuminated in blue. We're all underwater now. The bathroom sings a song.) BATHROOM: MERMA‘DS. STEAL YOUR FRIENDS. ... MERMAIDS! (Cedric resurfaces.) CEDRIC: I get it now. *Dragons, again! MYRTLE: *Mermaids! CEDRIC; ... Mermaids! Yes. Thanks, Myrtle! MYRTLE: Anything for you, Cedric. You're so cool. CEDRIC: Thanks. Bye, bathtub! BATHROOM: Bye, Cedric! (Cedric exits.) MYRILE: Goodbye, Cedric, Think of me every time you see a toilet. ‘Weaaaaaabbhhbhhh! (Myrtle exits to the sound of sleigh bells as the bathroom disassembles and exits.) NARRATOR: Wait. De you hear that sound? It's BRITISH CHRISTMAS! Happy Christmas, everyone! "THE AUDIENCE (HOPEFULLY): HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!! NARRATOR: Thank you, everyone. Now, after a day of eating sweets and opening presents, some containing. .ugh. .personalized sweaters. (Harry enters nolding Ron Mop who wears a personalized sweater.) 35NARRATOR: Hes so poor (Ron Mep is sad. Harry and Ron Mop exit.) NARRATOR: Anyway! It was time for the ball! DJ! Scene: The Yule-Tide Ball ‘Anice lutle stow song comes on. The Puffs enter in couples and start Gancing. Leanne “dances” with Wayne, or something like it Hamnak stands in a corner by herself, but she’s having a fine time. Oliver and Megan enter last—they stand against the wall. OLIVER RIVERS: Look at everyone. Dancing. I've only been to one dance ‘before. It was with my mom, It was normal. It was a mother/son dance. Everyone was there with theit moms. MEGAN JONES: You are such a loser | (A moment of awkward silence.) OLIVER RIVERS: *How about we? Nope. MEGAN JONES: *Do you want to? Never mind. OLIVER RIVERS: You, uh. You look nice. MEGAN JONES: Well I tried. I actually tried. This is your fault. OLIVER RIVERS: This year. It's been nice to. It's just. This year you've been. Yourself. And you are...neat, Real neato. MEGAN JONES: Thank you. (She punches him in the arm.) MEGAN JONES: Don't you dare tell anyone I accepted that compliment, OLIVER RIVERS: I won't. Ow. (More awkward silence.) MEGAN JONES: Should we just. Let's...'m not your mom, but. OLIVER RIVERS: Sure. (A very short slow dance song plays. Enough time for the two to Ihave a nice little moment that ends far too soon. The lyrics could | simply be, “A Very Short Slow Dance Song.) 56OLIVER & MEGAN: That was a very short slow dance song, (A much more upbeat song, begins to play. Cedric enters.) CEDRIC: Hey! Everyone! Let! formation #7! show them how the Puffs party! Emergency (Straight out oj a ‘90's movie, a short, choreographed Puff dance happens, At theend, in an attempt to match the rhythm of the music:) PUFFS: PUFFS! ROLLCALL! CEPRIC: Cedric! (All Puffs say their name on a beat. Or they try to. It goes off the rails very quickly. Leanne just sort of repeats hers over and over trying to find the right spot. Megan stays quiet until the end...) MEGAN JONES: .. Megan CEDRIC: Close. All right, I'm off to bed! PUFFS: OOH! BED! (The Puffs exit) Scene: The Second Task & the Subtleties of Lake Watching Airhorn! The Puffs enter. They are in the stands, enthusiastic for the spectacle of the Second Task We hear Mr. Bagman's voice overhead. MR, BAGMAN (V.0): Ladies and Gentlemen, squibs and squabs! Get ready for the eventful, entertaining, visually exciting SECOND TASK! Your champions have one hour to find something that has been lost. In that lake, Spoiler alert: it's their friends. On your mark. Get set. Go! (A splash! Everyone watches with huge smiles. What fun! How amazing. A long beat of silence. The excitement and smiles slowly fade with the realization that they are all just staring at a lake and that is what they will be doing for the next hour. A fair amount of time passes bejore Wayne speaks.) 37WAYNE HOPKINS: We are just staring at a lake..ust looooking at a lake. (Another long stretch of silence as they wonder what is happening beneath that lake, Sally points at something!) SALLY PERKS: Oh! ...No, .. thought [ saw something, ....1 did not. (More silence.) LEANNE: I swam in a lake once, But then I got thirsty and almost drowned, Ahh! A lake! (Leanne runs offin fear. Everyone continues to just watch that lake. Eventually, the Narrator enters.) NARRATOR: One hour later: the results! Frenchy failed horribly! (Frenchy enters.) FRENCHY: Pardon moi, NARRATOR: Followed by Vicky, who tuned into a shark. Very nice. (Viktor enters, a shark head on his head.) VIKTOR: I win for me! FOR ME (Harry enters.) NARRATOR: And while he should be given third place, the judges decided to award Harry second, because he was nice to French people. HARRY: **De nada! NARRATOR: This tied him in first overall with none other than. PUFFS: CEDRIC! CEDRIC, CEDRIC, CEDRIC! NARRATOR: The Third Task was months away, and everyone collectively remembered: oh yeah, this is a school. Maybe we should study’? PUFFS: *Yep. *We should study. *Oh, yeah! "We're at school! (All exit but Wayne.) 58Scene: Wayne & Cedric ~« The Narrator holds a book out. Wayne points his wand at it and attempts to summon it. He fails. WAYNE HOPKINS: Asic book. Asio book. BOOK, come here. Pleascio? GAH! I HATE YOU, BOOK. YOU ARE THE WORST, BOOK. YOU SUCK, BOOK. (Cedric has entered and watched Wayne yell at this book.) CEDRIC: Are we yellingat books, Wayne? HEY, BOOK! YOU'RE DUMB. Hal That is fun, WAYNE HOPKINS: Ha, No, just trying to summon it. CEDRIC: Ah, year four, pretty difficult tests. Asio book. NARRATOR: Oh, yeah. (The Narrator throws the book into Cedrie's hands. Cedric knows this book) CEDRIC: Hey. “The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puffs.” WAYNE HOPKINS: You make it look so easy. CEDRIC: Try again. (Cedric holds the book out. Wayme points his wand.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Asia book! (Nothing. A failure.) CEDRIC: You know what the best part of being a Puff is, besides being so ‘close to the kitchens? You fai. A lot. You fail and fail. You fail over here. You fail over there. And then you fail a lot more, But failure, ‘Wayne, is just another form of practice. As long as you never stop ‘trying. So...try again. (Wayne concentrates. Cedric holds the book.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Aso book! (Nothing. But, after a moment, Cedric tosses the book to Wayme with asnile,) ' 9CEDRIC: Bvertually...you get better. You should hang on to that book. It ean help whenever you're feeling, well, like a failure, it certainly helped me. WAYNE HOPKINS: Ha. Ill ned it.I suck at magic. CEDRIC: .. How about this? To thank you for all your support, once the Third Task is done, I'll teach you everything I know WAYNE HOPKINS: Really? CEDRIC: I'd be happy to. WAYNE HOPKINS: Wow. We'll be like a wizard Batman and Robin CEDRIC: Bat...Man? WAYNE HOPKINS: He's a...’ from a thing, CEDRIC: Which halfis the bat? WAYNE HOPKINS: Don't worry about it CEDRIC: Hey, I better get going, I'l see you around, (Cedric starts to exit) WAYNE HOPKINS: Cedric! Good luck on the Third Task. (Cedric stops and smiles. He gives Wayne another thumbs up.) CEDRIC: I'l be fine. (He exits, Wayne looks to his book.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Yes! Yes! Take that, book Scene: The Third Task The Narrator enters. Behind them, the Puff il the stands. They are decked out in even more yellow. NARRATOR: It was @ warm June evening. The Third Task was well uunde-way, and the crowd sat with bated breath. It had come down to two. That night, one would become a champion, MEGAN JONES: Come on! It's been hours. How hard is it to get through a maze? LEANNE: Very hard! WAYNE HOPKINS: Shhihhht! 0J.FINCH: Anyone want to hear a riddle? What has eight legs? It'sa SPIDER! ERNIE: I'm going to get some snacks, anyone want anything? (All try to ask Ernie for something as he exits.) WAYNE HOPKINS: EVERYONE, quiet! I want to be able to remember the exact moment Cedric comes out of that maze. (Suddenly, sounds and lights signify something exciting is happening. A portal opens with a boom. We do not see it, but the Puffs can) SALLY PERKS: LOOK, IT'S CEDRIC! PUFFS: AHHHHHHI! FIRST PLAC WAYNE HOPKINS: FIRST PLACE!!! FIRST PLACE! (General excitement and hubbub, Wayne smiles the biggest smile of his life. All celebrate—and fade into slow motion. The Narrator steps forward.) NARRATOR: A moment oftriumph. A moment of joy. A moment...as good as any to live in fora moment longer. Welcome to: the intermission, Or, what [ike to cal...the intermission. (Blackout, End Act) 61ACT IL In darkness, we hear a muffled echo of the Puffs" cheers. A flash of green light blinds the audience as...the Narrator returns NARRATOR: Hello again, 1 hopttyot tnd a nice break, Maybe a nice *#4Choe Top. An Adull Butter Beverage (TM), Or a good laugh about birds, Uncle Dave forever, RIP. Now. Where were we...let's see.ah, Of course..2 warm June evening. The Third Task comfleted.Ithad come down to two. Now one... one would become a champion. And the other? The other would lose (A dramatic shift back to the Task as the portal opens with a boom and the Puffs cheer.) SALLY PERKS: LOOK, IT’S CEDRIC! PUFFS: AHHHHHH! FIRST PLACE! FIRST PLACE! WAYNE HOPKINS: FIRST PLACE!!! LEANNE: Woit, wait, Why's he taking a nap?” HANNAH: Wake up, Cedric! You're a winner! PUFFS: First plaaace WAYNE HOPKINS: ..He's dead. (All, shocked, slowly exit. Wayne stands looking ahead. The Headmaster enters.) ‘THE HEADMASTER: Remember. Should a time ever come where you must choose between something that is easy or something that is right..remember a kind, sweet, layal boy...and what happened to him, beeause he crossed the path of an evil man, Remember Cedric. (The Headmaster exits. Wayne runs off. Narrator stands somberly.) NARRATOR And so, a very eventful fourth year came to an eventful conclusion. (The Narrator pulls out a box of Official Puffs Brand Souvenir Tissues.) NARRATOR: Here. You in the front, take these Puffs Brand Souvenir Tissues. Wipe away your tears. You in the back? Still sad forever. Summer came along, as it tends to do every year, and a aspecter called gtoon followed each Puff home. But itis these times, ‘well, when we #8@tld rely ogour friends the most. Scene: Letters Again Oliver and Megan wake letter spots. Wayne's spot is empty: OLIVER RIVERS: Hey Wayne, how's it going? Haven't heard from you and wwe didn't really get a chance to say goodbye. Crazy year, huh? 1 took Megan to a movie, We saw Hocus Pocus, Not going to lie, we were both kind of offended. Anyways, hope everything is...yeah —Oliver. MEGAN JONES: Wayne. Hey. Wayne. I put a SPELL on YOU. I saw a movie, Wayne. It was like a portrait. But longer. With a plot. How about that, huh? Wayne? OLIVER & MEGAN: Wayne? NARRATOR: (Makes an eek-like sound.) But not to worry, everyone will surely, definitely, probably, maybe rediscover happiness, joy, friendship, and purpose in YEAR FIVE—OH DEAR GOD! (The Narrator is handed Book Five. It is a very large book. They thumb through it, daunted by its size.) NARRATOR: .. THE PUFFS AND...THE YEAR WE WILL GET. THROUGH QUICKLY. Scene: Welcome Back Back in the Puff common room, the Puffs all gather, still a little bit shaken. SALLY PERKS: Everyone. We're all still alive HANNAH: Now. Me and Emie here are prefects this year. Our number one rule is: “no being too sad.” ERNIE MAC: Yeah, (They unfurl a small “no being, too sad” banner.) HANNAH: How was everyone's summer? 6SUSIE BONES: My aunt’and I stared at the door waiting. Waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive. To kill my aunt. 7*:ll me. Death waits. IT STALKS ME! * (She cries. A sad moment. Leanne cries 100.) LEANNE: I went fo a water park J. FINCH: I'm ust happy to be here with all of you. My friends. Feelings: PUFES: J. FINCH APPROVED! (The Puff all hug in one big Puff hug. Wayne enters, Adult Butter Beverage in hand. It is not his first one today. He is quite disheveled, quite butterbuzzed, and quite angsty.) WAYNE HOPKINS: HEY! STOP HUGGING. “Welcome back, everybody. PUFFS: Hii WAYNE HOFKINS: Hi—shut up! Just thought T'd offer some words of wisdom to all the new Pufis joining us. GUESS WHAT? WE SUCK. We're the Pufls, We're just here to die. There's no Chosen Pulf hiding among us. And if there was. THEY'D PROBABLY JUST DIE. So...enjoy your short, meaningless lives. (Wayne siorms off with angst. After a moment of everyone standing confused, unsure what to do with this angst, Wayne re-enters.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh! Oh. Also, apparently we don't have to wear uniforms anymore. You can just wear regular clothes. So. Enjoy it while you can, (He storms off. More angst. The Puffs remove their cloaks, astonished that they can, and exit. Oliver and Megan hang back:) OLIVER RIVERS: Soo00...he just probably needs some time. MEGAN JONES: Yeah. I mean how long can one person be an angsty asshole? Scene: Hopkins, Potter, & Emotions Wayne storms on through one door, Harry the other. They are both angry. They are both filled with angst. They slam doorsWAYNE HOPKINS: *Nobody understands, HARRY: *Nobody understands (They look at each other.) WAYNE HOPKINS: OF. Hey. HARRY: Oh, Sorry. I'm in a bad mood. My friends don't like it when I'm in a bad mood, WAYNE HOPKINS: So? Fuck ‘em, HARRY: ...Puck...them? WAYNE HOPKINS: Yeah...if you want to be a dick all year, just be one. HARRY: Oh! All right! YEAH. Thanks, Wayne. (Harry offers a handshake. Wayne shakes his head. Harry understands, Harry musters his own emotions and throws a book down on the ground. He storms off. With angst. The Second Headmaster enters and sees Wayne.) SECOND HEADMASTER: Excuse me, Oh. Um. Student. Have you seen Harry? I wanted to explain some facts about his past, and why I've been avoiding him. WAYNE HOPKINS: Haven't seen him, SECOND HEADMASTER: Him. I guess it can wait until the end of the year. (le exits. Wayne looks at the book Harry threw dawn. He tries to summon it) WAYNE HOPKINS: Asio book. (He fails and exits. With angst) Scene: The Rest of Year Five ‘The Narrator enters. NARRATOR: Year Five in one word: emotions. Year Five in two words: secret meetings! Even some of our Puls were invited to join in, (J. Finch, Hannah, Ernie, and Susie jump on, wands out.) J.FINCH: Man, these A.A. meetings are great: Alb Army! The A.A! 65SUSIE BONES: We must learn fo protect ourselves, HANNAN: I was just so happy to be included. Iam in the group, right? ERNIE MAC: Harry's looking over this way. Let's practice our stunning spells (The four get in a square formation and face off against each other Everyone can say what they want here, really.) J.FINCH: *Great, Im doing the stunning. T understand, ERNIE MAC: *Tl do the stunning. Me. Me frst. HANNAL: “TI go first. I'm going to be good at stunning, I just know SUSIE BONES: *T go first. need the practice more, so I'l go first. ERNIE MAC: Okay. 3. 2. 1 ALL FOUR: Stupidly! (Alljour of their heads snap back and all fa to the ground, stunned. A long, still moment of just them on the ground. Eventually, all slow sit up.) SUSIE BONES: What happened? J, FINCH: I think we stunned each other? HANNAH: You mean, we did the spell? Right?! ALL FOUR: YEAH! (They try to four-person high five but instead hit each other and all {fall 0 the ground again. Leanne enters and sees everyone passed out) LEANNE: Slumber party! (She lies down with everyone. Sally enters and talks 10 a wall, or whai she perceives to be her friends.) SALLY PERKS: Everyone! I've got big news! ALL: *Over aere! *Ete, (All find their way to their feet and wave Sally over to where they actually are.) SALLY PERKS: Everyone! I've got big news! And i's NOT SAD news ALL: Oo0000!SALLY PERKS: You know how I'm abways'going on about that thing I've always wanted to do? Well. I did it did that thing! And...I still 20 to this school! ALL: *Wow. *Nice. *(Applause.) *Ete. HANNAI: I have an update too, everyone, Watch this: ERNIE: (Acting) Hey, nice shir. HANNAL: Not bullying me ERNIE: Your face looks like @ flubberworm. HANNALE: ...Bullying me? ALL: “Nice. "Great Job! *Good work! *Ete (All surround Hannah, encouraging her.) HANNA‘: Abh! Uh, bullying me? ALL: *Obhh no— * (Various apologies,) *t. (J. Finch steps forward.) J, FINCH: Well, 01 J. Finch completed his life's one dream. I ate ALL the flavored beans Top 5: Booger, Spinach, Spinach Booger, Watermelon, and number one. (Bveryone provides a drumroll.) J. FINCH: #¢ (This can be anything. Some thoughts on what it could be: Chamomile Tea. Seagull. The taste of victory. The concept of friendship. Human. Pasta. Something local. Whatever!) ALL: Ooo. SUSIE BONES: My aunt. Me. Still alive ALL: *Yay! *Good job, “Ete. (Leanne steps forward. She knows she's really onto something here.) LEANNE: I've had visiens, and I'm pretty sure that the dark evil wizard hid parts of his soul in objects and a snake, If we all work together and 0 on an adventure we can— (Wayne yells out from a corner.) WAYNE HOPKINS: FORGET IT. Magic is dumb. Dreams are stupid. Friends suck. Adventures don't happen in teal life. Not to us. We're ALL the worstat this school 61(Woyne storms off; much angst involved.) J. FINCH: Oh no—I'm going to the petrified place, ERNIE: Hey—no being too sad (Eraie unfurls the “no being too sad” banner. All make their way off except Leanne.) LEANNE: Forget it? ..IUs forgotten! And I won't mention it ever again, ‘THANKS FOR THE HELP, WAYNE! (The Narrator flips the large book from somewhere near the middle to the last pages.) NARRATOR: And suddenly...it was May! After some standardized testing, it was time to go home. (Megan and Oliver enter from opposite sides as the Narrator exits.) ‘OLIVER RIVERS: Hey! *How'd you do? Maybe okay! MEGAN JONES: How'd you do? Maybe okay! Yeah, I think we actually made progress this year. OLIVER RIVERS: Yeah—we should uh, study together all the time. MEGAN JONES: Okay, yeah, no. But you know what? I think we got through an entire year without some sort of horrible event or tragedy. I's ike T almost fel OLIVER RIVERS: *Sate. MEGAN JONES: *Sate. (Megan and Oliver kiss. A sweet moment. Something that sounds like “Kiss From A Rose” might play. Wayne storms on. He sees them, Eventually, he interrupts.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Hey! MEGAN IGNES: *AH! OLIVER RIVERS: *Just a normal day, doing normal things. (Megan and Oliver avoid him and nonchalantly pretend to do something else.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Look. I'm sorry I've been, you know, all yea. It's just. | tink I missed whatever chance I had to do something. T don't 68know. But I do know that a wise unnamed old man who hangs out alone in caves and hands out swords to young elf boys once sai: It's dangerous 10 go alone. So...can we be friends again? (Megan walks over to him, She looks him in the eyes. She opens up her arms. They hug.) OLIVER RIVERS: I'm coming in. (Oliver joins the hug.) OLIVER RIVERS: Aw. Everything is back to normal! (Puffs pop out from various places.) SALLY PERKS: OH NO! He-Whose-Name-We-Can't-Say is definitely back. J. FINCH: Harry fought him. Again! PUFFS: Nobody is safe! (the Puffs exit) OLIVER RIVERS: Yep. 3ack to normal (The trio exits, The Narrator enters.) NARRATOR: Amidst a state of national terror. Year Five was done, (They throw the book offstage. A stage crew member is injured.) LITERAL STAGE CREW MEMBER: Agh! (A shift in tone to something darker. Sinister. Death Buddies begin centering, cloaked in black masks and hoods.) NARRATOR: The world was changing. Nobody was safe. Wandmakers. Bridges. No one! For THE DARK LORD HAD RETURNED! 0Scene: The Dark Lord Mister Voldy surges on, dramatically. He stands to let us bask in his evil glory. He touches his head with his weird fingers. Death Buddies chant to their master, DEATH BUDDIES: The Dark Lord, The Dark Lord. Yaaaah, MISTER VOLDY: YES! Excellent. The bloodlines of wizard-kind shall be purifisd. The muddy filth that has latched onto our race will be expunged. And standing upon the precipice, asa shining example of owe: and might, Will be...me! YAAAH! (He points his wand to the sky. Lightning strikes.) DEATH BUDDIES: Hahahahaha! MISTER VOLDY: Now, my Death Buddies. Fetch me my broom, DEATH BUDDY #1: Oh. Um. We don't need brooms to fly anymore, We just can. My lord. MISTER VOLDY: Good to know. For this information you will be rewarded. With a show of affection. From me, (Mister Voldy slowly hugs this Death Buddy. He hugs him fora good ong while, A hearty hug. The hug ends—Mister Voldy’s hands find their way to the Death Buddy's shoulders. He gives him a nice little neck massage. Mister Voldy works his way down to the Buddy's hand, sensuaily. Mister Voldy drops to one knee. He gives the hand ‘a nice little kiss. Rest assured, the Death Buddy is horrified by all of this, Afer far too long ofa time, this horror show ends.) MISTER VOLDY: Everyone leave. DEATH BUDDY #: Yep. MISTER VOLDY: You. Stay. (He motions to Xavia, Other Death Buddies exit. Xavia stays.) MISTER VOLDY: You still wish to go on your special excursion? XAVIA JONES: Yes, my lord. MISTER VOLDY: You will remain unseen. You will kill anyone who gets in your way. XAVIA JONES: I will, my lord MISTER VOLDY: And if the gitl should refuse, +» XAVIA JONES: [ know what I must do, my lord. 0MISTER VOLDY: Yesss. Welcome back...Mrs, Jones, YAH! (Xavia reveals herself from under her hood. The two laugh and ‘menacingly exit. The Narrator pulls out Book Sb.) NARRATOR: Oh no! It looks like Megan's mother is on a mission in YEAR ‘SIX: PUFFS: THE MUMMY RETURNS! (the Narrator exits) Scene: Snogging 101 The trio enters. They are looking at report cards. Megan and Oliver ‘flirt throughout WAYNE HOPE ‘THE TRIO: Poor. WAYNE HOPKINS: Herbology. ‘THE TRIO: Outstanding WAYNE HOPKINS: Obviously. Herbology is awesome. ...Defens ‘THE TRIO: TROLL. WAYNE HOPKINS: Yikes. Astronomy. (A moment of Wayne feeling a bit left out of the group with this new- found romance) MEGAN JONES: Wayne, this year we've got to find you a lady friend. WAYNE HOPKINS: Ha. Yeah. Let's get right on that OLIVER RIVERS: You could always date Susie Bones. I hear she's single. (Susie enters, amess.) SUSIE BONES: My aun‘ was murdered. Any second now... be next (Susie has a moment of crisis. She cries. She laughs. She screams. ‘She exits.) WAYNE HOPKINS: ...Maybe? Look, as long as the school doesn't become super sexual, I'l be fine. (The Narrator pops in.) nNARRATOR: How wrong he was! (Sexy music starts playing. Students enter and sexy dance around Wayne, Even Oliver and Megan get into it) NARRATOR: Webster's Dictionary defines snogging as “the act of kissing and caressing amorously—" WAYNE HOPKINS: —I get it, I get it. Go find a classroom or something, PUFFS: Oooo! A classroom! (All exit but Megan and Oliver who are still making out,) WAYNE HOPKINS: HEY! (Oliver and Megan separate.) WAYNE HOFKINS: I've been thinking about something else anyway, MEGAN JONES: What? WAYNE HOFKINS: Maybe trying out for the sports team. OLIVER RIVARS: *What?! MEGAN JONES: *Nooooo! WAYNE HOPKINS: I'm just thinking about it! 've been so set on doing some sort of big eruzy wizard world changing thing that I've never done any regular teenage stuff. This year? No crazy adventures. No ‘wizard shenanigans. I'm just focusing on dates. And sports! (An airhorn blows. Various sports players enter with brooms and stand in a tryout line, Zach Smith, a wizard bro, enters.) ‘ZACH SMITH: Alright, you cocksuckers. Zach Smith here. HEY! FUCK "YOU! You knobgobblers wanna play sports? AKA get fuckin’ laid”! Cause thats the only reason to play. (**1Vhat follows here can be anything. Literally anything. Any sort of crazy story. A description of a movie plot that Zach Smith experienced. An existential pondering. Just wizard jokes. Just random regular jokes. Often times it is kind of filthy, full of expietives and insults. Sometimes it’s kind, What once began as a single line of dialogue transformed into this long, crazy, and fun ride every performance. Nick Carrillo, who originated the role, has improvised a different Zach Smith over 600 times as ofthis writing, 50 the sky is the limit. There will be more examples in the back ofthis script, provided by Nick to give a better idea. Here is my own ‘personal attemptat one. If anything, have fun.) Alright, jerk wads. Before we get started, I just have to share something that’s been happening to me. Get it off my chest. So. We all know how we can do the spell thing where a glowing litle white ‘animal jumps out and seampers around—and those weird security guard dweebs just hate it. They hate those animals. You know, it’s supposed to represent something about you—answer a lot of questions. SO. After years of hard work. PRACTICE —WHICH IS IMPORTANT. I finally did it.I did the spell, But my little animal— well, it isn’t an animal. Turns out, my special animal thing isa forty- five-year-old accountant named Debra who lives as a single mom in ‘a small town in Oklahoma with two kids, And she is so inconvenienced every time I use that spell. She’s just here now, at this secret magic school in Europe. I don’t know how to get her back home, So, it turns into a whole—ordeal—she has to book a flight or take a boat. Getting to those is a journey in itself, considering we're in a secret magic school surrounded by magic in the middle of nowhere. I thinkshe’s running out of money—which normally she’s very good with. [can’t help but feel a tiny bit responsible, you know, But—here’s where the story takes a twist. I think I'm falling in love with her. I don’t know what to do—do T tell her how I feel? 1 keep bringing her here just to see her, but that just makes her mad. [ know may just be a cixteen-year-old boy who's also a wizard, and she's forty-five, and has her own life—but I think there’s really something special there. What do I do? ...What do I do? ...ANYWAY, let's start these tryouts. (Everyone throws balls for a second. Just an actual second. Zach goes to Wayne.) ZACH SMITH: Cat it out! Stop! Allright. YOINK. Tryouts are over. And guess what. You! You're on the team! WAYNE HOPKINS: Really? ZACH SMITH: No, Fuck you, Get out of here. Everyone else. YOU MADE ‘THE TEAM! EVERYONE ELSE: Really?! ZACH SMITH: No! FUCK ALL OF YOU! It's a one-man team. ZACH SMITH! (All exit but Wayne. Sally enters.) BSALLY PERKS; Waaaayne. Hey. [thought you played pretty nice out there. WAYNE HOPKINS: Oh, Yeah. You know, its whatever. SALLY PERKS: Hahaha, I'do know. I go to this school, Anyways, cool, Well. Bye. WAYNE HOFKINS: Wait! Sally, Would you like to..g0 out on a date someime? SALLY PERKS: Sure. (Sally winks and exits, or at least tries to. Still glasses-less, she cannot find the exit.) WAYNE HOPKINS: Allright! A date, With a girl, Oh no. A date, With a girl Scene: Later, in the Hallway Megan enters, holding a note. She paces. She stops and reads the note. Then paces more. MEGAN JONES: Ugghhh. Oliver! Where the frig are you? “Meet at the third-floor corridor formerly out of bounds for anyone who didn't ‘want to die a super painful death.” Geez, Remember that? This school, Dangerous for children, Olivwver? (Kavia enters.) XAVIA JONES: The boy won't be joining you, I'm afraid MEGAN JONES: I'm sorry...who are you? XAVIA JONES: I's me, Megan. Your mother. Imperion! (avia curses her.) XAVIA JONES: I think you'll be coming with me, darling, HAHA! (Kavia exits controlling Megan.) Scene: Perks of Love Wayne and Sally run on 4