Russ Harris Ebook - When Acting On Your Values Leads To Rejection or Hostility

ACT
Acceptance &
Commitment
Therapy
When Acting on Your Values

Leads to Rejection or Hostility
Practical Tips and Insights for Mental Health Practitioners
BY RUSS HARRIS
Author of the bestselling books ‘ACT Made Simple’ and ‘The Happiness Trap’
Acting On Your Values Can
Be Risky
How can we help clients in contexts where living by their values puts
them at risk of rejection or hostility from others? There are no easy
answers for clients in these complex and intensely painful situations.
Our starting point is usually lots of validation of their difficulties and

suffering, segueing into self-compassion. After this, we can start
teasing out values from rules and looking at ways to live one’s values
while minimising the risk of rejection or hostility; but validation and
self-compassion should come first, otherwise this work can come
across as invalidating.
© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 2

An Example: Honesty
Let’s take an example. A therapist recently asked me about this case:
‘I am seeing a client who has identified a core value that she wants
to live by: being honest. The thing is, she is gay, and her religious/
ethnic culture teaches that homosexuality is a sin. She wants to tell
her friends and family about her sexuality, but she’s afraid to, because
there’s a very high risk they’ll react negatively.’
Our clients present with many variants on this theme:
• “Should I express my genuine thoughts and feelings?”
• “Should I speak up about ... {my genuine opinions on this topic;

my genuine religious beliefs; my sexuality; my political
persuasion; how I really feel when they say or do XYZ; what I
really want them to do or stop doing} ... knowing that this may
well elicit rejecting or hostile reactions, or endanger my place in
the workplace/community/social group?”
In all these scenarios, there’s a values conflict between caring

and honesty.
The issue boils down to:
a. “If I am honest, I will get hurt - which conflicts with

caring for myself.”
b. “If I am honest, they will get hurt - which conflicts with

caring for them.”
© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 3 3

And doesn’t this ‘honesty versus caring’ conflict play out for most of
us in our relationships at times? If we were to be completely honest
with the other person about some particular issue—which may be
something that we are doing, or something that they are doing, or
how we truly think or feel about something—we fear that they will
react badly.
And note that we can apply this to any value. Whatever the value is,
we fear that if we act on it: either we will hurt others, which seems to
conflict with caring for them; or their reaction will hurt us, which
conflicts with caring for ourselves.
Fusion with Rules

An important piece of dealing with these issues is to distinguish
flexibly living by one’s values from fusion with rigid rules.
If clients seem rigid, heavy, burdened, or trapped—as opposed to

having a sense of vitality, openness, and freedom to choose—they are
probably fusing with rules rather than flexibly contacting
their values.
Right

The examples below illustrate the difference:
• Being loving = value
• I MUST always be loving, no matter what! = rule
• Being kind = value
• I SHOULD be kind at all times, even when people

are abusive = rule
• Being efficient = value
• I HAVE TO ALWAYS be efficient, and I MUST NEVER make

any mistakes = rule
Basically, rules are strict instructions you have to obey - usually readily
identified by words like have to, must, ought, should, right, wrong,
always, never, do this, don’t do that, can’t until, won’t unless, can’t
because, and so on.
There are countless ways to act upon our values, in even the most
difficult situations. Rules, in contrast, tend to limit our options and
narrow our behavior, and the more tightly we adhere to them, the
less choice we have. Thus, fusion with rules often prevents us from
acting effectively.
In addition, fusion with rules tends to 'suck all the life' out of values.
Instead of meaning and vitality, clients fused with rules are likely to
experience pressure, obligation, guilt, shame, or anxiety. Often this
manifests as unhealthy perfectionism or people-pleasing, and as a
trigger for worrying: 'Am I doing it right?' 'Am I doing it enough?'
'Am I doing it too much?'

Unhook From Rules,
Return to Values
So, we help clients to notice, name, and unhook from their rules, and
return to the underlying values. For example, we can live the value
of ‘being honest’ without following the rule: ‘I HAVE TO be honest
about this with everyone. I MUST not keep anything secret in any
relationship. I MUST reveal all to everybody’.
After highlighting the rule, and clearly distinguishing it from the

underlying value, we can help the client see that there are many ways
of ‘being honest’ without having to speak up about this specific issue
in this specific context.
For example:
• The client could be honest with herself through writing a journal,

or mindfully acknowledging to herself how incredibly painful it is
to keep this a secret.
• They can also be honest with their therapist about it, and with
anyone else they know who will support and not judge them.
• And aside from that, on an ongoing basis, they can live the value
of ‘being honest’ in zillions of little ways that are very safe – with
friends, family, neighbours, co-workers, and all the different people
they encounter throughout the day – without ever having to take
the risk of sharing this secret.
Usually, even when the risk of rejection or hostility is high in some

contexts or relationships, there will be other contexts or relationships
where the risk is low. So a client in this situation doesn’t have to give

up on ever being honest about whatever it is they’re holding back;
what they need to do is wisely select the contexts/relationships where
they can safely be honest and open about it - and also titrate the
degree of honesty and openness to best suit that particular situation.
And of course, committed action in such contexts would typically

involve building new relationships or social groups, in which it’s safe
for the client to open up and share. This may need to be with people
outside of their family, culture, tradition, workplace, or religion.
A Venn Diagram
It’s often useful to draw a Venn diagram with two overlapping circles,
labelled ‘honesty’ and ‘caring.’ In the central overlapping region, the
client can write in things they can say and do that are both caring
and honest. In the non-overlapping region of the caring circle, they
can write down things to do that are related primarily to caring rather
than honesty. And in the non-overlapping region of the honesty circle,
she can write down things to do that are related primarily to honesty
rather than caring. This gives the client lots of options to choose either
value, or both, throughout the day.
Honesty Caring

We can of course do this with any two values; there will always be
things you can say and do in the overlapping region, allowing you to
live both values simultaneously.
Risk of Aggression or Violence?

Obviously the client’s physical safety - and that of the loved ones they
look after – takes top priority over anything else.
So if there’s a situation where acting on their values is likely to trigger

violence or extreme aggression, then you’ll need to apply your
specialised training in this area. So if you haven’t got the necessary
skills and knowledge to effectively help with these situations –

e.g. if you haven’t had training in how to work with domestic violence
- then you should ensure such clients get access to the appropriate
supports and services. But that is way beyond the scope of this eBook.
The bottom line ... if in doubt, play it safe, and get support from people
with expert skills and knowledge.
If the Client Insists

Now suppose the client insists on taking
a particular type of values-based action,
even though this is very likely to elicit a
rejecting or hostile reaction from people
in their family, social group or culture.
If so, we want to explore whether they

are willing to live with the consequences
of that action. What matters enough
that they’d be willing to do something
that they know will upset people they
care about?
Let’s do our best to ensure that if they

take such action, it’s truly motivated by
flexibly living their values (e.g. honesty,
courage, authenticity, assertiveness,
fairness, justice) rather than by fusion
with rigid rules like: I must speak up! I
must assert my rights! I have to tell
them how I feel!

It’s such a painful and difficult situation to be in, when we know full
well that if we live our values in the way we truly want to, our friends
and family or other important members of our social/cultural/work
group will disapprove or reject us or become aggressive.
And here’s the painful reality for anyone in these situations: there’s no
way not to choose. You can either choose to live your values in this
specific way - or you can choose not to. There’s no third option.
And both options will be painful in different ways. So whichever

choice our client makes, we’ll want to work with them on acceptance
of the inevitable pain that goes with it, and lots and lots and lots of
self-compassion.
Wrapping Up
Obviously this is a HUUUGE topic, so if you wish to read more,
download either or both of these docs:
Values Conflicts and How To Resolve Them
How To Deal with Dilemmas, Hard Decisions and Tough Choices
Well, here’s hoping you’ve found this useful,
Good luck with it all,
Cheers
Russ Harris
© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris

Psychwire.com/Harris 10
About Russ
Dr. Russ Harris is an internationally
best selling author, medical doctor,
psychotherapist, life coach, and consultant
to the World Health Organisation.
He has directly trained over 80,000 psychological health professionals

in the ACT model (in Australia, Europe, UK and USA), and his textbook
for professionals, ACT Made Simple, has sold over 150,000 copies. Of
the nine books he has written, the best known is The Happiness Trap,
which has sold over one million copies, and been translated into thirty
languages. Check out some of Russ's ACT videos below:
The Choice Point: The Happiness Trap:

A Map for a Meaningful Life Evolution of the Human Mind
The Struggle Switch Sushi Train Metaphor

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ACT

When Acting on Your Values

Our starting point is usually lots of validation of their difficulties and

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 2

Our clients present with many variants on this theme:

• “Should I express my genuine thoughts and feelings?”

• “Should I speak up about ... {my genuine opinions on this topic;

In all these scenarios, there’s a values conﬂict between caring

The issue boils down to:

a. “If I am honest, I will get hurt - which conﬂicts with

b. “If I am honest, they will get hurt - which conﬂicts with

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 3 3

Fusion with Rules

If clients seem rigid, heavy, burdened, or trapped—as opposed to

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 4

• Being loving = value

• I MUST always be loving, no matter what! = rule

• Being kind = value

• I SHOULD be kind at all times, even when people

• Being efficient = value

• I HAVE TO ALWAYS be efficient, and I MUST NEVER make

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 5

After highlighting the rule, and clearly distinguishing it from the

• The client could be honest with herself through writing a journal,

Usually, even when the risk of rejection or hostility is high in some

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 6

And of course, committed action in such contexts would typically

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 7

Risk of Aggression or Violence?

So if there’s a situation where acting on their values is likely to trigger

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 8

If the Client Insists

If so, we want to explore whether they

Let’s do our best to ensure that if they

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 9

And both options will be painful in different ways. So whichever

Values Conﬂicts and How To Resolve Them

How To Deal with Dilemmas, Hard Decisions and Tough Choices

Well, here’s hoping you’ve found this useful,

Good luck with it all,

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris

He has directly trained over 80,000 psychological health professionals

The Choice Point: The Happiness Trap:

The Struggle Switch Sushi Train Metaphor

© Russ Harris, 2023 Psychwire.com/Harris 11

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