ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

COURSE NOTES

Introduction
If you find yourself saying 'yes' to any of the following questions,
then you will most likely benefit from becoming more assertive
which will, in turn, make you feel comfortable giving feedback and
constructive criticism to others, without fear of the consequences.

1. Do you find yourself saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no' just
to avoid disappointing people?
2. Do you have difficulty offering constructive criticism?
3. Do you have trouble voicing a difference of opinion to others?
4. Do you worry that people might feel alienated by your
communication style when you have to disagree with them?
5. Do you worry that people might feel attacked when you have to
voice an opinion different from theirs?

Course Objectives
Through a mix of presentation, led-discussion, theory, use of case-
study, debate, working in pairs and groups, delegates will be given
the opportunity to:

 Recognise the difference between assertive, aggressive and

passive behaviour

 Identify your own strengths and weaknesses

 Understand human behaviour and appreciate the various

influences on your own behaviour - personality, motivation
and perception

 Trust v Fear - learn how to trust your actions and decisions,

whilst reducing your fear of the consequences

 Resolve conflicts & develop strategies for becoming more

assertive when dealing with difficult people

 Learn how to avoid getting 'hooked' into behaving against

your will by others

 Change the way you view difficult behaviours - negative to

positive thinking

 Deal with barriers to assertiveness

 Develop assertive behaviour, self-esteem and confidence,

using assertive language and body-language

 Explore ways in which to be more persuasive and practice

saying 'no' more often

 Develop ways to raise 'sensitive' issues

 Gain new ways in which to give and receive critical feedback

and cope with criticism
  Apply assertive techniques in different workplace situations
and know how to build on work-place relationships

1. DIFFERENCES IN HOW PEOPLE BEHAVE

How we interact with people aboard the vessel can be grouped into
three behavioral styles:

• Passive
• Aggressive
• Assertive
Passive Behavior
When people allow their ideas or rights to be restricted by another
individual or situation, they are behaving passively. Actions that
indicate passive behavior are:

• Use excessive professional courtesy.

• Use ambiguous statements and beat around the bush.
• Express concerns in the form of a question, rather than making a
statement.
• Avoid conflict.
• Refrain from challenging questionable procedures used by another
team member.
• Are labeled as, “along for the ride”.

Passive Mannerisms
Mannerisms demonstrated by passive people include downcast
eyes, shifting of weight, and slumped body. Passive words include
qualifiers such as "maybe”, “I guess”, “would you mind if”, “only”,
“just”, “I can't”, “if that's what you want."

Problems with Passive Behavior

These people tend to keep their feelings inside. Their emotions,
such as fear, anxiety, depression, fatigue and nervousness may
build to unsafe levels.

Aggressive Behavior
When someone invades another’s boundaries or individual rights
that person is behaving aggressively. The intention of aggressive
people is to dominate others to get their own way. Actions that
indicate aggressive behavior include:

• Use statements that are confrontational, abusive, ridiculing, or

hostile.
• Belittle and intimidate others to build themselves up.

Aggressive Mannerisms
Mannerisms demonstrated by aggressive people include leaning
forward with glaring eyes, pointing a finger, and a raised tone of
voice.
Aggressive words include threats like, "you'd better" and "if you
don't watch out." Sarcasm and put-downs like "oh, come on, you
must be kidding" and evaluative comments like "should", "bad", and
"must" are also aggressive characteristics.

Problems With Aggressive Behavior

Inappropriate anger, rage or misplaced hostility expresses
aggressive responses. This behavior restricts communication within
the team. Cohesiveness and synergy becomes difficult.

Assertive Behavior
Assertive people recognise boundaries between their ideas and
those of others. People responding assertively are aware of their
feelings. Tensions are kept in a normal, constructive, and
situationally appropriate range. Actions
which indicate assertive behavior include:

• Ask task-related questions.

• Suggest alternative solutions/courses of action.
• State opinions of decisions/procedures that have been suggested.
• Avoid letting rank differences threaten mission safety or
performance (refuse an unreasonable request).
• Maintain their position when challenged, until convinced by facts.
• Confront ambiguities and conflicts.
• Ask for assistance when overloaded or having difficulty with a
task.

Assertive Mannerisms
Assertive people stand comfortably, but firmly, and speak in a
steady tone of voice. Assertive words include statements reflecting
responsibility for self, "I think", "I feel", "I want," and cooperative
words such as, "let's see, how can we resolve this," "what do you
think", and "what do you see."

Problems With Assertive Behavior

Assertive people feel empowered to speak up and do it with respect.
The team leader must be able to harness the energy of assertive
team members.

ASSERTIVENESS DEFINED
Assertiveness is the ability of team members to state and maintain
a position that may be counter to the position of others, until
convinced by the facts, not the authority or personality of another,
that their position is wrong. The effective team leader advocates
open and questioning communication by team members. In their
interactions, effective team-members are mutually respectful to
each other.

Recognising the difference between assertive, aggressive

and passive behaviour
Many people are concerned that if they assert themselves others
will think of their behavior as aggressive. But there is a difference
between being assertive and aggressive.
Assertive people state their opinions, while still being respectful of
others. Aggressive people attack or ignore others' opinions in favor
of their own. Passive people don't state their opinions at all.

How Assertive Are You?

1. Passive Behavior: Is afraid to speak up

Aggressive Behavior: Interrupts and 'talks over' others

Assertive Behavior: Speaks openly

2. Passive Behavior: Speaks softly

Aggressive Behavior: Speaks loudly

Assertive Behavior: Uses a conversational tone

3. Passive Behavior: Avoids looking at people

Aggressive Behavior: Glares and stares at others

Assertive Behavior: Makes good eye contact

4. Passive Behavior: Shows little or no expression

Aggressive Behavior: Intimidates others with expressions

Assertive Behavior: Shows expressions that match the message

5 Passive Behavior: Slouches and withdraws

Aggressive Behavior: Stands rigidly, crosses arms, invades

others' personal space

Assertive Behavior: Relaxes and adopts an open posture and

expressions

6. Passive Behavior: Isolates self from groups

Aggressive Behavior: Controls groups

Assertive Behavior: Participates in groups

7. Passive Behavior: Agrees with others, despite feelings

Aggressive Behavior: Only considers own feelings, and/or
demands of others

Assertive Behavior: Speaks to the point

8. Passive Behavior: Values self less than others

Aggressive Behavior: Values self more than others

Assertive Behavior: Values self equal to others

9. Passive Behavior: Hurts self to avoid hurting others

Aggressive Behavior: Hurts others to avoid being hurt

Assertive Behavior: Tries to hurt no one (including self)

10. Passive Behavior: Does not reach goals and may not know goals

Aggressive Behavior: Reaches goals but hurts others in the

process

Assertive Behavior: Usually reaches goals without alienating

others

11. Passive Behavior: You're okay, I'm not

Aggressive Behavior: I'm okay, you're not

Assertive Behavior: I'm okay, you're okay

2. KNOW YOUR OWN STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES

Assertiveness – Your Strengths & Weaknesses

Everyone aims for the best. Though all of us wish to possess as

many strengths and virtues as possible, weaknesses also make an
integral part of man. Below are listed the top 5 strengths and
weaknesses that most humans possess. They are just
representative and the list of top strengths and weaknesses can
vary from individual to individual. The challenge is to recognise
which one is your own and do your best to work with them. No
matter what the situation is, if you are aware of your strengths and
can take care of weaknesses the success cannot stay away from
you for long.
Strengths

Make our backbone and shape our personality. It is the prowess

that gets us going on the face of adversities. Because of our
strengths we can steer clear of setbacks in the course of life.

Self Reliance: Undoubtedly the biggest strength one might have is

being self-reliant or self-dependable. The one who is self-reliant will
be able to face all the weaknesses efficiently. He will never wait for
anyone to support him or circumstances to turn in his favour to
achieve success. He will believe in his abilities and himself. Such a
person will stride ahead in life towards success and achievements.

Optimism: Another great strength, which favours a person greatly,

is optimism and hopefulness. It is what keeps one buoyant and
cheerful. It gives the inspiration to march ahead no matter how
many obstacles life brings into picture. The one who has this
strength will never fail to see the silver line every cloud has. This
strength gives great capacity to fight back. An optimist person will
not make the most of her own life but also would bring cheerfulness
and sunshine in the lives of all those who come in his contact.

Skilfulness: Being skilful and being aware of the areas of your

expertise is another unmatchable strength. When you know what
you are good at, you have a tendency of utilising it to your utmost
advantage and making the most out of it. This will cover up the
weaknesses you might have in other areas. Bettering the skills you
already have will take you faster towards your goals and targets.

Friendliness: A friendly disposition and love for the fellow beings in

general is a potency, which not only gives you a great personality
but also a magnanimous heart. This strength bestows support and
help from others. It gives you goodwill and benevolence. The good
relations you maintain boost your self-esteem to quite a high level.

Weaknesses

If we have the ability to judge ourselves that makes it our biggest

strength, because then we can understand which areas we have to
work on, to get things to be strengths.

Weaknesses too form a vital part of life. No one can be perfect.

Each of us hoards a number of flaws and weak points, which put
limitations on our abilities. The best way to deal with weaknesses
would be to leverage the strengths so that our faults are minimised.
Procrastination: Missed opportunities are often the result of this
serious weakness. Life moves, no matter how inactive one might be
but, if you are a victim of procrastination then the movement of
your life would be lateral and not forward. Bad health, sluggishness
and indecisiveness are what this fault might spawn into if not
handled at the right time.

Fearfulness: A person in grip of this failing would be unable to take

risks in life. Fear is a killer weakness, which rids one of the zeal to
live life. It does not let you look at life with a rational eye.
Fearfulness makes you dread even the opportunities which life
serves you. It stops you from trying anything new or exploring new
possibilities. It makes one a pessimist.

Lack of Conviction: Being unable to put across your point limits

your potential and abilities to a great extent. Lack of conviction or
lack of assertiveness results in making you less pronounced. It may
be considered as a communication disorder. The inability to say no
often puts you in disadvantageous situations. This flaw makes the
wonderful quality of flexibility turn against your growth and self-
development.

Impulsiveness: Reacting without thinking is one weakness, which

you regret the most times in life. It compels you into situations,
which you later realise that you could have easily avoided. Speaking
without thinking, not being attentive while listening and taking
hasty decisions are some of the worst effects of this weakness.

Lack of discipline: Without self-discipline not much could be

achieved. No matter how favourable things or situations are for you,
unless one is self-disciplined one cannot harness it to his
advantage. Lack of discipline leads to wastefulness and non-
utilisation of resources be it time, money or the strengths you
possess.

Achieving Assertiveness
Assertiveness can be achieved if all people know they have “rights”
and act accordingly. These rights are:

• The right to have and express your own ideas and feelings.
• The right to be listened to and taken seriously.
• The right to be treated with respect.
• The right to ask for information from others.
• The right to make mistakes.
4. UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOUR AND APPRECIATE
THE VARIOUS INFLUENCES ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR -
PERSONALITY, MOTIVATION AND PERCEPTION

Personality

The goal of knowing about personality type is to understand and

appreciate differences between people, and to know your self
better, in order to know others.

Katherine Briggs and Isobel Briggs Myers, a mother and daughter

team, devised a written test (The Myers-Briggs Type Inventory, or
MBTI) to identify a person's type/personality. Based on the types
and preferences of Carl Gustav Jung, who wrote 'Psychological
Types' in 1921, Briggs and Myers built the modern system that is
probably the most popular personality/typing system in the world
today.

The MBTI system uses a four-scale structure for identifying and

categorising an individual's behavioural preferences. We can
catagorise these preferences as:

Favourite world
Information
Decisions
Structure

Favourite world
Do you prefer to focus on your outer or inner world?

This is called Extraversion [E] or Introversion [I]

Information
Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do
you prefer to interpret and add meaning.

This is called Sensing [S] or Intuition [N]

Decisions
When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and
consistency or do you first look at the people and special
circumstances?

This is called Thinking [T] or Feeling [F]

Structure
In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things
decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and
options?

This is called Judging [J] or Perceiving [P]

The character traits of a…

Needs and Motivation

L1: Body -Physiological Needs

On this level are the very basic needs for air, warmth, food, sleep,
stimulation and activity.

L2: Security - Safety Needs

Here we might include living in a safe area away from threats. This
level is more likely to be found in children as they have a greater
need to feel safe.

L3: Social - Love and Belongingness Needs

At this level the need for love from family and friends is important.

L4: Ego -Self Esteem Needs

We need to believe in ourselves and have healthy pride. At this
level we need self-respect, and respect from others.

L5: Self Actualisation - Fulfilment Needs

This is the rare level, where people have a need for purpose,
personal growth and realisation of their potentials. This is the point
where people start to become fully functional, acting purely on their
own volition and having a healthy personality.

Perception and Assertiveness

The degree of assertiveness accepted in a professional environment

is crucial to the perception of appropriate behaviour. It is up to the
individual to understand when and where to be less or more
assertive. Opinions of assertiveness can shape how we view other
people and what is considered appropriate. If you are a person who
sees “out-spoken people as trouble-makers” then your opinion of
appropriate assertiveness would be low, based on your personal
biases. These biases are what shape our ideas of the proper
assertiveness in the workplace. There are those who allow their
personal beliefs to influence how certain types of people will be
perceived as assertive or aggressive.
One may see people of different ethnic backgrounds as aggressive
when they are firm or direct. Others may expect one gender to be
more or less assertive in the work setting. This can create an
unjustified presumption of ones assertiveness or aggressiveness
based on others predispositions. It’s important that although we
may have our own interpretations of assertive behaviour, others
also have their own opinions of reasonable assertiveness in the
work atmosphere.

While some may view people of different ethnicities and genders as

aggressive or assertive, others are creating their own
interpretations of individuals in that same way. The level of effective
communication with an assertive personality that is considered
appropriate is based on personal experiences, cultures, and
philosophies of other individuals’ and organisations’ perceptions.
Your culture, environment, experiences, and personal philosophies
are what dictate the differences an individual may see between
being assertive, aggressive, or neither.

Cultural differences determine the level of assertiveness acceptable

in a professional atmosphere. What some may see as assertive in
Latin America, others may see as aggressive in Asia. The world is
flat and everyone can communicate easier and faster in a global
economy. It is important that not only individuals recognise the
significance of their assertiveness in the world, it is also important
that organisations understand this as well.

Perception can be skewed based on cultural biases on what is

effective assertiveness.Assertiveness is seen as a leadership quality
in all types of cultures. Some cultures view being assertive as being
confident. When a person is confident in their decisions and ideas, it
is easy for those around them to follow. Sometimes assertiveness
and confidence can create an impediment socially and
professionally. Being perceived as more or less assertive is
influenced by others’ environment and notions.

Project Globe (2003) is a research programme structured to

increase awareness of “cultural differences in leadership,
organisations, and society.” The study asked a simple question to
management and social scientists, representing over 60 countries,
whether or not “People are (should be) generally dominant.” The
study showed the level of assertiveness of the countries included in
the study. The least assertive country was Sweden; the median
assertive countries consisted of Egypt, Ireland, Philippines, Ecuador,
and France. The most assertive country was Germany.
Individuals and businesses also have their ideas of how they view
assertive and aggressive behaviour.

If individuals are from different ethnic groups, genders, and job

levels, then their level of acceptable assertiveness will differ. Age
and education can also be considered cultural differences, i.e. Baby
Boomers, generation X, and generation Me. These generations have
cultural differences that can influence their personal beliefs on
appropriate assertiveness within a professional and social
environment. Over time, with more experiences and education
these individuals will most likely change their perceptions on what
assertive behaviour reflects.

Cultural views, personal biases, and philosophies are what dictate

our own distinctions between the assertiveness we possess in
ourselves and the degrees of appropriate assertiveness in others.

4. Trust v Fear - learn how to trust your actions and

decisions, whilst reducing your fear of the consequences

Six Myths That Encourage Non-Assertive Behavior

Myth 1, Anxiety: Some people believe that overt signs of anxious

behavior indicate weakness or inadequacy. These individuals
assume that if they were to exhibit anxiety, they would be ridiculed,
rejected or taken advantage of by others. This is self-defeating, for
the harder people try to camouflage anxious feelings, the harder it
is to conceal the accompanying symptoms of trembling, sweating,
flushing, etc.

One method of reducing anxiety is to acknowledge that anxious

feelings are present. One may discover that others experience
similar feelings under certain circumstances. If people can disclose
their feelings of discomfort safely, they will find it unnecessary to
expend so much energy disguising them; therefore, the anxiety will
no longer interfere with the task at hand or impair their ability to
cope in life.

Myth 2, Modesty: This myth consists of three parts:

(1) The inability to acknowledge or say positive things about

oneself.
(2) The inability to accept compliments from others.
(3) The inability to give compliments to others.

Some people fear that positive self-statements seem egocentric.

They fail to discriminate between the accurate representation of
accomplishments and over exaggeration. Additionally, they may
fear that once asserting themselves, they will have to live up to
these expectations 100 percent of the time. Inability to self-disclose
positively may hinder their opportunities. If they don't believe in
themselves, it is unrealistic to expect others to believe in them.

People who are unable to receive compliments are indirectly

damaging their self-respect. After several unsuccessful attempts,
most people trying to give genuine compliments will hesitate,
feeling uncomfortable in giving positive feedback. The intended
recipient of the praise, no longer hearing positive feedback, may
begin to question their self-worth.

Sometimes others may use insincere praise as a manipulative tool

("You are such a great worker; by the way, could you cut the
lawn.") However, assuming that all positive feedback is insincere,
manipulative or misleading will hinder both the development of a
healthy lifestyle and a positive self-concept. Positive feedback is a
powerful tool in this sense.

Some people are unable to provide others with positive feedback.

They may be unaware of the potential positive effects, e.g., greater
rapport or satisfaction in life. Sometimes others have difficulty
delivering praise because they fear making themselves vulnerable.
They may be unable to elicit feelings easily and openly. Perhaps this
is an alien behavior because they have never received positive
feedback themselves. Or, maybe there is a risk involved in
developing more honest, open relationships.

For whatever reason, modesty does not enhance mutually

satisfying, spontaneous interpersonal relationships.

Myth 3, Good Friend: This myth assumes that others can read my
mind based upon our past relationship, e.g.: "She should have
known how I felt" or "My husband should have known how hard I
have been working and given me Saturday morning free."

Lack of good, facilitative communication is apparent here. One must

remember that individuals don't always respond in the same
manner to the same situation.

This type of expectation will undoubtedly lead to guilt, resentment,

hurt feelings and misunderstanding within a relationship, assuming
that others have known you long enough to know your mind or how
you are thinking.

Myth 4, Obligation: This myth indicates that some people disregard

their personal needs and rights due to a belief in personal
obligations to others. These people put others ahead of themselves.
Obviously the others' needs cannot always be met; however, those
who routinely neglect to express their needs and rights, and who
find themselves imposed upon quite frequently, are being restrained
by this belief in the myth of obligation. They are often unable to
make requests of others they project that others feel the obligation
to meet their needs, too.

This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor
the development of open, healthy relationships.

Myth 5, Gender role myths: Sometimes people behave in a

particular manner due to various gender role expectations. This has
been especially true for women. Is it feminine to be assertive or
outspoken? The myth of obligation fits into this category, too. Due
to erroneous expectations, many women are unable to refuse
requests, even unreasonable ones. This may be true regardless of
whether the request would interfere with their needs and rights.

Men have been encouraged to act upon their needs and rights
aggressively, to fill the "macho" or controlling role in a relationship.
Gender role expectations can color behavior, often to the opposite
extreme. Some men may be inappropriately passive, while social
pressures often call for men to take an aggressive stand.

Gender role expectations limit people's options for acting

appropriately upon their beliefs, needs and rights. They close the
door to spontaneous, sincere interactions.

Myth 6, Strength of an issue: It is sometimes risky to take a stand,

even on issues about which people might feel quite strongly. It may
be interpreted as pressuring others to accept one's beliefs,
especially when discussing a controversial issue. People may not
choose to take the risk of alienating themselves from others.

People who cannot discuss their beliefs assertively are closing the
door to honest expression. The opportunity for a potentially
stimulating exchange, which may afford them an opportunity for
self-growth, will not happen.

5. RESOLVING CONFLICTS & DEVELOPING STRATEGIES FOR

BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE WHEN DEALING WITH
DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Resolving Conflicts
Conflict should be viewed as "differences in opinions," not fights or
arguments regarding an issue. Unresolved conflict between team
members can lead to reduced communications, distractions, and
higher than normal levels of stress. In short, unresolved conflict
leads to unsafe conditions.

Dealing With Conflict

The ways of dealing with our differences are related to our
behavioral styles and are as follows:
• Passive Approach
- Avoid
- Accommodate
- Suppress
• Aggressive Approach
- Force
• Assertive Approach
- Collaborate & Integrate

Effective Conflict Resolution

Effective resolution of conflicting opinions requires us to perceive all

positions as modifiable and to focus on solutions, not on defending
positions.

Factors Affecting Assertive Behavior

Two factors have been identified that influence our decision to
“speak up” or be assertive.

1. Our perception of the reaction of others to the situation and,

2. Perceived obedience to authority

Generally, in a group setting, if we see something wrong we first

look at how others are reacting before we speak up. When we look
at the reaction of others, we are checking to see if they appear
concerned with the situation. If we find that others do not appear
concerned then we will probably be reluctant to speak up.

Strategies for Behaving More Assertively

If you want to be more assertive, but aren't sure how, here are
some tips to get you started. But remember, the best way to
become more assertive is through practice

1. Speak up when you have an idea or opinion.

This is one of the biggest steps toward being more assertive and
can be easier than you think. It may be as simple as raising your
hand in class when you know the answer to a question, suggesting
a change to your boss or coworkers, or offering an opinion at a
party (even if it's just your opinion of a new movie or book.)

2. Stand up for your opinions and stick to them.

It can be a little harder to express opinions and stick to them when

you know that others may disagree, but try to avoid being
influenced by others' opinions just out of the desire to fit in. You
may change your mind when someone presents a rational argument
that makes you see things in a new light, but you shouldn't feel a
need to change your mind just because you're afraid of what others
may think. Like as not, you'll gain more respect for standing up for
yourself than you will for not taking a stand.

3. Make requests and ask for favours.

Most people find it hard to ask for help when they need it, but
people don't always offer without being asked. As long as your
requests are reasonable (for example, "Would you mind holding the
door while I carry my suitcase to the car?" as opposed to "Would
you mind carrying my suitcase to the car while I hang out and
watch TV?") most people are willing to help out. If your requests
are reasonable (meaning, would you agree or respond kindly if
someone asked the same of you?), don't feel bad about asking.

4. Refuse requests if they are unreasonable.

It's perfectly appropriate to turn down requests if they are

unreasonable or if you don't have the time or resources. For
example, if someone asks you to do something that makes you feel
uncomfortable or you think is wrong, it's fine to simply say no ("I'm
sorry but I don't feel right doing that" or "I'm sorry but I can't help
you with that.") It's also fine to turn down someone if you feel
overwhelmed. If you are concerned that you aren't being fair to
others, ask if their favors are fair to you (would you ask the same of
them? would you expect them to say yes every time?) You can
always offer to help in the future or help in another way ("I'm sorry
but I don't have time to help you with that today, but I could help
you tomorrow" or "I won't write your report for you, but I'd be
happy to talk to you about it and read it over when you're done.")
As long as you don't turn down every request that comes your way,
you shouldn't feel guilty.

5. Accept both compliments and feedback.

Accepting compliments seems easy, but people often make little of

them because they are embarrassed ("Oh it was nothing" or "It's
not a big deal".) But don't make less of your accomplishments. It's
fine to simply say "thank you" when people give you compliments --
just don't chime in and begin complimenting yourself or you'll lose
their admiration pretty quickly! ("You're right, I AM great!")
Similarly, be prepared to accept feedback from others that may not
always be positive. While no one needs to accept unwarranted or
insulting advice, if someone gives you helpful advice in the right
context, try to accept it graciously and act upon it. Accepting
feedback (and learning from it) will often earn you respect and
future compliments.

6. Question rules or traditions that don't make sense or don't

seem fair.

Just because something 'has always been that way' doesn't mean
it's fair. If you feel a tradition or rule is unfair to you or others, don't
be afraid to speak up and question why that rule exists. Rather than
break a rule or law, find out the reasoning behind it. If you still
think it's wrong, talk to friends or coworkers, work with counselors
and legislators, and see if there is a way to change it. While some
rules are less flexible and should be respected (for example, a
family's decision not to allow cigarette smoking in their house or the
state laws about drunk driving), others may be open to debate (for
example, why a public place doesn't have wheelchair access or your
school computers aren't compatible with assistive technology.)

7. Insist that your rights be respected.

While you want to choose your battles carefully (the right to equal
pay in the workplace is probably more important than your right to
wear your Hawaiian T-shirt to work on Fridays), you do have basic
rights that you should feel comfortable standing up for. Some of
these rights may be guaranteed you under law, such as your
medical, employment, and educational rights. Other rights may
involve basic courtesy - such as the right to be treated fairly,
equally, and politely by friends, coworkers, and family.

6. LEARNING HOW TO AVOID GETTING 'HOOKED' INTO

BEHAVING AGAINST YOUR WILL

Don't get Hooked

When people behave towards you in a manner that makes you feel
angry, frustrated or annoyed - this is known as a Hook. We can
even become "Hooked" by the way people look, how they talk, how
they smell and even by their general demeanour. If we take the
bait then we are allowing the other person to control our behaviour.
This can then result in an unproductive response. We have a choice
whether we decided to get hooked or stay unhooked.

Don't let them get to you.

We often allow the other persons attitude to irritate or annoy us.

This becomes obvious to the other person through our tone of voice
and our body language. This only fuels a difficult situation.

When dealing with difficult people, stay out of it emotionally and

concentrate on listening non-defensively and actively. People may
make disparaging and emotional remarks - don't rise to the bait!

7. NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE THINKING

We have the ability to create our own reality. For the most part, we
can look at a situation and see the good or we can look at the same
situation and choose to see the bad. Often times the lens we use to
view what’s happening is filtered by our thoughts.

Positive thoughts create more positive circumstances. Alternatively,

negative thoughts contribute to feelings of dissatisfaction and
disappointment. Therefore, changing our negative thoughts is
essential to achieve happiness and peace.

The following are the most common negative thinking behaviors.

Becoming aware of these is essential to transforming negative
thoughts into positive beliefs.

Stay away from “all-or-nothing” thinking.

When we slip into “all-or-nothing” thinking we see our
circumstances as either black or white with not much in between.
By shifting to someplace in the grey, a fresh perspective is created
that helps us to realize more options do exist. To lead an
emotionally healthy life we need to have balanced emotions. Words
like: always, never, impossible, terrible and perfect, are rigid and
allow little room for interpretation or flexibility. Instead, when we
live somewhere in the middle then we are in a better position to find
sturdier footing which will lead to improved balance.Look for the
grey in these statements:

I can be an intelligent person and still do something stupid.

I can love my wife and still be angry with her sometimes.
There are parts of my life I enjoy and there are parts of my life that
create stress.
My children bring me joy and they sometimes drive me crazy.
The most important word in each sentence is and. The word and
suggests a balance; it paints a shade of grey in our lives.
Avoid the temptation to over generalise.
Over generalisation is best characterised when we believe if one bad
thing happens, then everything else is doomed to go poorly.Think of
over generalised statements as exaggerations. For example, “You
never listen to me. He always interrupts me. She always thinks
she’s right. Everybody thinks I’m stupid.”The biggest over
generalisation red flags are words like, never, always, should or
everybody. Understand an over generalised statement is another
form of a negative thought. Re-think your words and reconsider the
circumstance. Attempt to find something positive. For example, the
over generalised statement of “You never listen to me.” Can be
reframed to, “There have been times in the past when you were
very attentive and I felt as though you heard me.
At this moment, however, I’m experiencing you as not being
interested in what I have to say.” The second statement is more
truthful and less exaggerated. As a result, a more positive outcome
can be expected.

Change your mental filter.

Persistent pessimism can develop into a habit if we are not careful.
Left unattended, chronic negative thinking can begin to shape the
way we see the world. The glass will always be half-empty, for
example.We can begin to change our mental filter by allowing
positive thoughts to sift through it too. Try to see the good in every
circumstance. A long line at the grocery store is a wonderful
opportunity to chat with your partner or child; a stressful time at
work will give you a better chance to realize the inner strength you
possess; and the world’s current economy is a great time to get
back to developing and maintaining a budget for your personal
expenses.

Watch your tendency for jumping to conclusions.

When confronted with what might appear to be an unwelcomed
circumstance, consider taking a deep breath; a full step back, to
look at the event at a more holistic level in order to get all of the
information.

Be aware of emotional reasoning.

Not many of us are like the character Spock from Star Trek who is
consistently logical and rational no matter the circumstance. Even
though we often have a rational response to a difficult event, we
also have a tendency to slip into emotional reasoning when
confronted with an especially challenging situation. Just because we
are experiencing a certain uncomfortable emotion doesn’t mean our
character, our soul, has been downgraded. It just means for that
moment, in that small space of time, we feel a certain way about
ourselves.When we allow ourselves to be human, we are in a better
position to reframe self-limiting thoughts and keep them from
manifesting to the point they begin to define who we are.

Try not to take everything personally.

It may be hard to hear, but not everything is about you and not
everything is about the other person, either. Fear, paranoia and
perhaps a measure of insecurity can lead us to believe the way
other people react, or the things they say, are directed to us.
Sometimes people are insensitive, judgmental or just in a bad
mood. One of the biggest challenges is when a person makes a
negative comment about you - keep temptation in check and not
internalise the comment. Replace old tapes with newer, more
positive ones that suggests I’m capable, well-meaning and
successful regardless of what someone might say.

Dial back from magnifying a problem.

There is perception and then there is reality. Our negative thoughts
start to churn when we confuse the two.Seeing a situation for what
it really is, instead of what it feels like can help us stay grounded.
Magnifying a problem only gives the problem more energy and
provides the opportunity for the situation to become larger than it
was ever intended to be.

Celebrate.
Celebrate the good things when they happen. Don’t simply dismiss
them or minimise them.There is no question some days have a few
setbacks, a couple of obstacles and sometimes pain. So, on the
days we have positive things happen, no matter how small and
insignificant they may seem, allow yourself the time to enjoy them.
Like attracts like. Positive thoughts and happiness create more of
the same.

8. BARRIERS TO ASSERTIVENESS

Mutual respect and restraint promotes assertive behavior. However,

miscommunication, misperception and other factors can create
barriers. Despite people’s desire to be assertive, many do not
change their behaviour. Assertiveness eludes them. So what is
stopping them being assertive?

Some people simply don’t know what to do in order to be assertive.

They have never had good role models, so the barrier is simply lack
of knowledge as to how to behave. The other main barrier is fear or
anxiety over what might happen or how people may see them if
they do behave assertively.
The following is a list of some of the fears people have, that prevent
them from being assertive. Consider which seem to fit you and
which don’t.

The fear of being...

Rejected
Criticised
Considered unfeminine/not masculine enough
Considered emotional
Being seen as pushy
Considered uptight/under pressure (stressed out)
Misunderstood
Taken advantage of.

Likewise, some people place demands on themselves. Which ones

reflect you?

The need to...

Be nice
Avoid conflict
Be self-effacing
Be liked
Be feminine/masculine
Keep a stiff upper lip.
And the desire not to...
Be selfish
Hurt others
Seem vulnerable
Show anger
Show liking
Have your own wants
Make the first move
Make a mistake
Admit a mistake
Take a risk
Ask for what you want
Put others under pressure.

Replacing limiting beliefs

All behaviour is driven by our beliefs, either conscious or
unconscious, so a lack of assertiveness is down to beliefs that limit
our ability to behave assertively. These limiting beliefs could be
about something bad that will happen and so cause fear, or they
may stem from rules we have developed as we grew up.

Key point
The key to overcoming the barriers to assertiveness is to replace
limiting beliefs with more empowering ones. This leads to looking
for different things, as a result of which your perception of what is
going on during interpersonal interactions will also change.

Be curious
Try something a little bit different and notice what happens.
The key here is recognising the need to change first, and then
working on whatever barriers are stopping natural assertion.
Understanding the reason will help deal with the cause and go a
long way to eliminating the symptom.

Step by step
Full assertiveness won’t all come at once. Cutting the issue down
into a series of smaller parts will make it feel less of a hurdle to
overcome. Recognise each small improvement and notice how other
people start to change the way they respond as change occurs. An
artist will probably start a new project by doing a pencil sketch first,
then adding more detail, and finally beginning the actual painting. It
is unlikely that he/she would go straight to the painting stage.

Exercise
Given a situation where your rights are being ignored or you want
something, think how an assertive person would behave. If that
seems scary, think of a less threatening situation. Rehearse in your
mind what you would do or say, and how you would expect the
other person to react.

As you do this, notice how you feel; notice where the resistance is
inside you to these assertive behaviours. This will start giving you
clues as to which limiting beliefs are at play.

Where did this belief come from?

Does it still make any sense now that you are an adult?

Think of counter-examples in your life or in others’ lives where this

belief is clearly not true.

What benefits does this belief get for you?

Contrast these with the benefits a more empowering belief would

get you.

What could you do to test the validity of your belief?

Consider what will happen or how you will feel if you let this
particular situation continue.

Now take what you have learned from this thought exercise out into
the real world and test it.

9. DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR, SELF-ESTEEM AND

CONFIDENCE, USING ASSERTIVE LANGUAGE AND BODY-
LANGUAGE

Self-esteem and confidence – dealing with dominant people

Building self-confidence and assertiveness is probably a lot easier

than you think. 'Non-assertive' people (in other words 'normal
people') do not generally want to transform into being excessively
dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more
assertive, what they usually really mean is:

'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance
of
excessively dominant people?'

'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?'

'How can I exert a little more control in situations that are

important to me?'

Pure assertiveness - dominance for the sake of being dominant - is

not a natural behaviour for most people. Most people are not
naturally assertive. Most people tend to be passive by nature. The
assertive behaviour of highly dominant people tends to be driven by
their personality (and often some insecurity). It is not something
that has been 'trained'.

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful

to understand the typical personality and motivation of excessively
dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-
assertive people.

It's helpful also at this point to explain the difference between

leadership with dominance: Good leadership is inclusive,
developmental, and a force for what is right. Good leadership does
not 'dominate' non-assertive people, it includes them and involves
them. Dominance as a management style is not good in any
circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and results,
mostly for the benefit of the dominant, and it fails completely to
make effective use of team-members' abilities and potential.

The fact is that most excessively dominant people are usually

bullies. Bullies are deep-down very insecure people. They dominate
because they are too insecure to allow other people to have
responsibility and influence, and this behaviour is generally
conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant
bullying behaviour is effectively reinforced by the response given by
'secure' and 'non-assertive' people to bullying. The bully gets his or
her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so
it persists.

Dominant, bullying people, usually from a very young age, become

positively conditioned to bullying behaviour, because in their own
terms it works. Their own terms are generally concerned with
satisfying their ego and selfish drives to get their own way, to
control, to achieve status (often implanted by insecure ambitious
parents), to manipulate, make decisions, build empires, to collect
material signs of achievement, monetary wealth, and particularly to
establish protective mechanisms, such as 'yes-men' followers
('body-guards'), immunity from challenge and interference,
scrutiny, judgement, etc. Early childhood experiences play an
important part in creating bullies. Bullies are victims as well as
aggressors.

Non-assertive people do not normally actually aspire to being

excessively dominant people, and they certainly don't normally
want to become bullies. When most people talk about wanting to be
more assertive, what they really mean is 'I'd like to be more able to
resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people.'
Doing this is not really so hard, and using simple techniques it can
even be quite enjoyable and fulfilling.

Importantly, the non-assertive person should understand where

they really are - a true starting point: non-assertive behaviour is a
sign of strength usually, not weakness, and often it is the most
appropriate behaviour for most situations - don't be fooled into
thinking that you always have to be more assertive.

Understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness do

you want? Probably to defend yourself, and to control your own
choices and destiny (which are relatively easy using the techniques
below), not to control others.

For people who are not naturally assertive, it is possible to achieve

a perfectly suitable level of assertiveness through certain simple
methods and techniques, rather than trying to adopt a generally
more assertive personal style (which could be counter-productive
and stressful, because it would not be natural). People seeking to
be more assertive can dramatically increase their effective influence
and strength by using just one or two of these four behaviours prior
to, or when confronted by a more dominant character or influence,
or prior to and when dealing with a situation in which they would
like to exert more control.

Here are some simple techniques and methods for developing self-
confidence and more assertive behaviour:

1. Know the facts and have them to hand

Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some research, and
have it on hand ready to produce (and give out copies if necessary).
Bullies usually fail to prepare their facts; they dominate through
bluster, force and reputation. If you know and can produce facts to
support or defend your position it is unlikely that the aggressor will
have anything prepared in response. When you know that a
situation is going to arise, over which you'd like to have some
influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do the sums, get
the facts and figures, solicit opinion and views, be able to quote
sources; then you will be able to make a firm case, and also
dramatically improve your reputation for being someone who is
organised and firm.

2. Be ready for - anticipate - other people's behaviour and

prepare your responses.

Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your own

responses. Role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen.
Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios that you
think could unfold. Prepare other people to support and defend you.
Being well prepared will increase your self-confidence and enable
you to be assertive about what's important to you.

3. Prepare and use good open questions

Prepare and use good questions to expose flaws in other people's

arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of
gaining the initiative, and taking the wind out of someone's sails, in
any situation. Questions that bullies dislike most are deep,
constructive, incisive and probing, especially if the question exposes
a lack of thought, preparation, consideration, consultation on their
part. For example:

'What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?'

'Who have you consulted about this?'
'How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?'
 'How have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?'
'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if
you
implement it?'
'What can you say about different solutions that have worked in
other
situations?'

And don't be fobbed off. Stick to your guns. If the question is

avoided or
ignored return to it, or re-phrase it (which you can prepare as well).

4. Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to

aggression

Re-conditioning your own reaction to dominant people, particularly

building your own 'triggered reactions', giving yourself 'thinking
time' to prevent yourself being bulldozed, and 'making like a brick
wall' in the face of someone else's attempt to dominate you without
justification. Try visualising yourself behaving in a firmer manner,
saying firmer things, asking firm clear, probing questions, and
presenting well-prepared facts and evidence. Practice in your mind
saying 'Hold on a minute - I need to consider what you have just
said.' Also practice saying 'I'm not sure about that. It's too
important to make a snap decision now.' Also 'I can't agree to that
at such short notice. Tell me when you really need to know, and I'll
get back to you.' There are other ways to help resist bulldozing and
bullying. Practice and condition new reactions in yourself to resist,
rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or
have a tantrum. If you are worried about your response to being
shouted at then practice being shouted at until you realise it really
doesn't hurt - it just makes the person doing the shouting look daft.
Practice with your most scary friend shouting right in your face for
you to 'do as you are told', time after time, and in between each
time say calmly (and believe it because it's true) 'You don't frighten
me.' Practice it until you can control your response to being shouted
at.

5. Have faith that your own abilities will ultimately work if

you use them
Non-assertive people have different styles and methods compared
to dominant, aggressive people and bullies. Non-assertive people
are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail,
dependability, reliability, finishing things (that others have started),
checking, monitoring, communicating, interpreting and
understanding, and working cooperatively with others. These
capabilities all have the potential to undo a bully who has no proper
justification. Find out what your strengths and style are and use
them to defend and support your position. The biggest tantrum is
no match for a well organised defence.

6. Feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies

Re-discover the belief that non-assertive behaviour is actually okay

- it's the bullies who are the ones with the problems. Feeling
sympathy for someone who threatens you - thereby resisting
succumbing to fearful or intimidated feelings - can help to move you
psychologically into the ascendancy, or at least to a position where
you can see weaknesses in the bully.

Aggressors and bullies were commonly children who were not loved,
or children forced to live out the aspirations of their parents. In
many ways all bullies are still children, and as far as your situation
permits, seeing them as children can help you find greater strength
and resistance. Transactional Analysis theory, and especially the
modern TA concepts, are helpful for some people in understanding
how this sort of childhood emotional damage affects people, and
how specific communications can be planned and used in response
to excessive dominance, bullying, temper tantrums, and other
threatening behaviours.

N.B. The point above about feeling sympathy for bullies should not
be seen as approval or justification for bullying. Neither is sympathy
proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering
bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive,
stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or intimidated. People
responsible for bullying are the bullies, not the victims. So if you are
a bully: get some feedback, get some help, and grow up

Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in proper values

and all the good things in your own natural style and self, for
example, Ruiz's The Four Agreements, Kipling's If, Desiderata,
Cherie Carter-Scott's 'rules of life', Wimbrow's The Guy In The
Glass, etc.

Don Miguel Ruiz's - The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz's book, The Four Agreements was published in
1997. For many, The Four Agreements is a life-changing book,
whose ideas come from the ancient Toltec wisdom of the native
people of Southern Mexico.

Agreement 1 - Be impeccable with your word - Speak with

integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak
against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your
word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2 - Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others

do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their
own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions
and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3 - Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to

ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate
with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings,
sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can
completely transform your life.

Agreement 4 - Always do your best - Your best is going to

change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are
healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your
best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Body language
The way in which you hold yourself has an important impact on how
you’re perceived and treated. Assertive people generally stand
upright, but in a relaxed manner, and look people calmly in the
eyes.A good first step to becoming more assertive is to consider
your own body language. You can practise being assertive with a
friend or in front of a mirror by:

facing the other person, or yourself, and trying to stay calm

speaking clearly and steadily
showing that you’re listening
matching your body language to what you’re saying

10. EXPLORE WAYS IN WHICH TO BE MORE PERSUASIVE

AND PRACTICE SAYING 'NO' MORE OFTEN

Express your feelings. Try not to generalise your feelings by saying

‘you’ in conversation when you actually mean ‘I’. Also, you should
recognise that you have choices and so say ‘I could’ and ‘I might’
instead of ‘I must’ and ‘I should’.

Say no. This is often difficult because you don’t want to feel like
you’re letting people down, be seen as unhelpful, unable to cope, or
just find the other person intimidating. However, it’s important to
remember that you’re allowed to say no. Keep the conversation
clear and simple and don’t apologise for saying no.
The ‘broken record’ technique. This involves repeating your point
over and over again in a calm and firm voice until it’s clear to the
other person. It’s particularly useful if you’re explaining something
to a manipulative person, or someone who isn’t listening.

11. DEVELOPING WAYS TO RAISE 'SENSITIVE' ISSUES

We’ve all had to start conversations that we dreaded having –

everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking
for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go
more smoothly–at least, that’s the hope.

1. Don’t Stall. Let’s say you need to call an acquaintance whom you
haven’t seen in a few years to ask a favour. Don’t chat and chat,
then casually mention the favour at the end. You’re not going to
fool him about why you called.

2. Don’t Start Off Angry. If you have to make some sort of charge,
of dishonesty or bad service or a mistake, work yourself into a mild
state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations inspire
defensiveness. Explain the situation in a straightforward way.

3. This may seem obvious, but Pick Your Moment. Look for a
moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if
the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person,
choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her,
not for you.

4. Think About Why The Subject Is So Difficult. Do you hate to talk

about money? Do you dislike confrontation? Are you concerned
about damaging a relationship? If you examine why you’re dreading
a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a
different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that’s less upsetting.

5. Are You Certain You Need To Discuss The Difficult Subject, at all?
Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation? Or are you
perhaps, just venting, and it won’t serve any real purpose.

6. Don’t Ruminate About Worst-Case Scenarios. It’s tempting to

imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse
than the last, but this isn’t helpful. So, unless you’re doing
constructive strategising, don’t allow yourself to indulge in negative
fantasies.
7. Ask yourself, “What’s The Worst That Could Happen?” Someone
could tell you No, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your
back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly
considering the worst-case scenario is actually reassuring.

8. Can It Wait? If you’re reacting to something that has just

happened, can you postpone the confrontation for a day or two?
You might feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you
still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach it
more productively.

9. Write A Note Instead Of Having A Conversation. When writing,

you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way,
you allow the other person to react privately, with time for
reflection. DO NOT use email or text messaging!

10. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you’re going to broach a

difficult subject on a particular day, Get Plenty Of Sleep And
Exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well rested, and
calm will put you in better spirits.

12. GAIN NEW WAYS IN WHICH TO GIVE AND RECEIVE

CRITICAL FEEDBACK AND COPE WITH CRITICISM

Giving Feedback
First and foremost, always be clear on your reason for giving
feedback, whether you’re giving it to someone you supervise as a
part of your supervisory responsibilities or to a colleague, a friend,
or a child. It goes without saying feedback should never be used to
benefit you but rather always to serve the person to whom you’re
giving it. Identify any self-cantered agendas you may have—e.g.,
making yourself feel big by making someone else feel small—and
ruthlessly cast them aside. Giving feedback is ultimately about
mentoring. A truly great mentor always seeks to make his students
better than himself and utilises feedback as a tool to do it. With
that in mind:
1. Know your own biases. Are you more interested in being
liked than you are in giving honest feedback? “Good advice
grates on the ear,” the saying goes. Do you have the courage
and compassion to serve their interests before yours?
2. Ask the person to whom you’re giving feedback to rate
their performance themselves. People will often identify
areas they need to improve for you, which not only makes the
feedback interaction seem less adversarial but increases the
likelihood they’ll be able to respond positively to it by helping
them sidestep their own ego (it’s harder to become defensive
about something you’ve pointed out to yourself). Also, how
 they answer your request to rate their own performance often
gives you insight into their degree of insight, which is a good
indicator of their ability to improve.
3. Employ the sandwich method. This involves first saying
something positive, then noting something that needs to be
improved, then saying something (else) positive again.
People are more likely to work on correcting a deficiency if
they feel good about their performance overall—that is, if
their deficiency seems like a single blemish against an
otherwise reasonably clean background. Your goal is to
encourage them so they feel they can improve, that it’s worth
it for them to make the effort to improve. If they have more
than one serious deficiency, perhaps pick the most serious,
give them feedback about it, and then pick another time to
give them feedback about their next most serious deficiency.
4. Make your feedback concrete. Feedback must be
actionable. Saying, “You don’t seem interested in your
patients” isn’t nearly as helpful as saying, “You turned around
and left the room when Mrs. Stone started crying.” Don’t
pretend to be able to read anyone’s mind.

We rarely get to know why anyone behaves a certain way.

We should only comment on a person’s behaviour, which is
really what we want them to change anyway.

5. Make your feedback clear. No beating around the bush.

No euphemisms. Don’t say, “I wonder sometimes about your
command of your patients’ data.” Say, “You didn’t know Mrs.
Smith’s vital signs or Mr. White’s labs.”
6. Allow enough time for a response to your feedback.
The whole point of giving feedback is to provide a perspective
which the person receiving it doesn’t have. Though their
deficiency may seem obvious to you and you may have a hard
time imagining they aren’t already aware of it, often they’re
not. Everyone deserves a chance to improve—and how can
they do so if they don’t first know what improvement they
need to make?

Receiving Feedback

Of course, we all want to hear we’re wonderful and without flaw.

Hearing that we’re not, or that our work product is not, always
stings, even when we’re genuinely interested in improving (we all
secretly hope we have no room to do so). Here are some guidelines
I try to remember myself when someone’s giving feedback to me:
 1. Don’t react to the initial sting of negative feedback. It
will fade. And until it does, it’s hard to make good use of
what you’ve heard. Sometimes the best initial response upon
hearing negative feedback is silence.
2. Consider the feedback you’ve been given as if you’d
discovered it yourself. This is hard to do but helps prevent
your ego from drowning out good advice. You may decide,
after careful deliberation, that the feedback you received was
inaccurate or no good. Fair enough. Just make sure you’ve
done your best to silence the clamouring of your ego long
enough to seriously consider what you’ve heard. Sometimes
the feedback you receive isn’t helpful itself but leads you in a
direction that becomes so.
3. Be open to feedback, but not too open. Don’t take
negative feedback personally. Don’t blow specific negative
feedback out of proportion and allow yourself to believe
everything you do is bad. Always consider the credentials of
the person giving you feedback and give extra weight to the
feedback from people whose backgrounds make them
especially knowledgeable (and less weight to the feedback of
those who aren’t). On the other hand, embrace the notion
that you can learn something from everyone.

GIVING INSTRUCTIONS AND STATING EXPECTATIONS

CLEARLY

Many people believe that to be a good leader or supervisor you

have to give orders to the people below you. They are wrong. You
do not have to give orders. In fact, you should not give orders.

Don't give orders

When you give orders, you tell someone to do something. "Put that
file on my desk", is an order. So is, "put Roger on the late shift".
When you give an order, you do not allow the other person any
latitude to think about what to do or how to do it. All they can do to
satisfy your order is exactly what you ordered. There are two
reasons why this is bad. First, you do not allow the person to figure
out the best way to do the task. Second, you do not let them learn.

Sometimes it is appropriate to give orders. However, leaders don't

give orders unless they have to. Instead of giving orders and telling
someone what to do good managers give instructions. Instead of
telling them what to do, you tell them what you want done.

Give instructions instead

When you tell an employee what you want done, instead of giving
an order, you give them the freedom to come up with their best
way of getting that task done. It may not always be the best way,
and you may have to do some monitoring and guiding, but there is
also the chance that they will come up with something better than
what you planned.

When an employee is given an instruction instead of an order, they

have to think. They can't just do what they were told and say they
were following orders. They have to think of ways to get the job
done. They have to decide which is the best way. They have to
invest a little of themselves in the solution.

Also, when you give an employee an instruction, instead of an

order, and let them decide for themselves the best way to
accomplish the task, you are more likely to get their buy-in and
support. If they have made the decision about the best way to
accomplish the task they are more likely to believe it is correct and
valuable. They will defend it against others who question it.

Be clear
Orders are generally very clear. "Get the report to me by Thursday
morning", does not leave much room for interpretation. So when
you give instructions, instead of orders, you need to be as clear
about what results you expect. Instead of saying, "I'd like you to
review the past month's data and get back to me on it", be more
precise. For example, you could say, "Please review the past
month's data. By Monday morning, I expect your recommendation
of the best course and a couple of alternatives for ways to close
more sales.” Or you could say, "By our meeting on Friday, I want
you to have consolidated all the department's projects into a single
master schedule. I want you to tell me where we are over
committed and where we have excess capacity.”

When you give instructions instead of orders there is a tendency to

be less clear about the expected outcome. A good manager makes
instructions clear.

Give instructions, not orders

Your job as a manager is to get things done. However, it also
means getting things done through others. When you give orders,
you limit the group to your level of expertise. When you give
instructions, you let the employees contribute whatever they can. It
may not be as good as what you would have done, but that is an
indication that you need to do further training. However, it also
might be better than your idea. When that happens, you have an
employee who feels involved and motivated and you look smarter.
13. BUILDING HEALTHY WORK-PLACE RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships can often seem like fragile things – especially in the

workplace where they are often built and destroyed by the actions
we take. However, by underpinning those relationships with a few
simple principles, they can grow into something secure and lasting.

We have the technical resources and material to solve all the

problems we have. What is missing is the willingness and the skills
to work together. This requires us to listen to each other; indeed,
listening is the underlying skill required in all good relationships.

Why Build Effective Relationships?

In society we need to build effective relationships for a number of

reasons. For instance, the health of people depends on what
happens in organisations and what they do.
Alongside that, organisations only function with the co-operation of
their members. We all know that ineffective organisations can be
very frustrating. We also know that effective organisations can
demand so much from their employees that those people have
nothing of themselves left for life beyond their work environment.
Either of these scenarios can result in personal and relationship
stress or breakdown.

Additionally, organisations can have a profound effect on people

that do not work for them but who depend on them for the
necessities of life – for example, food, housing and clean water.

Society is a web of relationships, requiring all parties to work

together in order to create something that is good. But what makes
society work even better are relationships that are positive, co-
operative and respectful. In this way everyone works for the good
of the whole and towards a common purpose. This demands
effective relationships based on mutual understanding.

If you understand what people want and why they want it, you can
usually find a way to make progress together. The best way to
understand is to listen and observe without making premature
judgements. Active listening can help you discover, remarkably,
that we want the same things.

High-quality relationships make you happy. It’s often the case that
some of the happiest people in the world live in the poorest
communities. People in the mountains of Nepal who have almost
nothing material are some of the happiest in the world. They radiate
contentment because they share a life together. If your key
relationships are working, happiness is possible in most
circumstances.

What Is An Effective Relationship?

In an effective relationship parties listen to understand others’

positions and feelings. The simplest way to understand what is
important to another person or to a group is to ask, then listen to
the answer. We all know when someone else is really interested in
us. The other person is attentive, does not interrupt, does not fidget
and does not speak about him or herself. This gives us time to think
and feel accepted, rather than be judged. Listening leads to
understanding; if you understand someone else fully, then you
know what to do to get closer and work better together.

In effective relationships, parties openly express their positions and

feelings. Sometimes we expect people – particularly those close to
us at home or work – to understand what we want and to give us
what we need intuitively. This is not a realistic aspiration. People
are so complicated and react to events in such different ways that
even when they have lived together for 60 years they can still
surprise each other. We need to say what we need and to express
how we feel. By doing this we are more likely to get what we want,
rather than expecting someone to notice what we want, then
waiting for that person to give it to us.

In order to make our relationships more effective, we should treat

ourselves and each other with respect. Respect is the core of any
good relationship. We show respect by listening to the other person
and by trying to understand how they view things. Quickly forming
judgements based on prejudice is the complete opposite of respect.
You can respect people (even if you find their behaviour difficult to
understand) by acknowledging that they are doing the best they
can when their circumstances and history are taken into account.

Respect is the foundation for a strong relationship – and this means

respecting yourself as well as others. If you feel good about
yourself, it is much easier to see the good in people and treat them
with respect.

Another key to forming effective relationships is to face differences

directly. Differences between people are interesting. In a
conversation where each person listens to the others, you may each
discover a new truth that integrates (say) two opposing
perspectives. This is more rewarding than the alternatives – for
example, withdrawing, fighting, grumbling to someone else or
plotting. Learning to face differences takes time and can be
uncomfortable, but confronting and attempting to understand them
is a good, stretching discomfort.

Work towards solutions where both parties win. Win–win solutions

are possible and they should always be our goal. If we both feel we
have gained from resolving a difference, then we will be more
willing to co-operate again in future. This builds exciting and
satisfying relationships.

Building Effective Relationships

In exploring what helps us to build effective relationships, here is
some advice that has been drawn from personal experience and
from the training courses in which I have been involved.

1. At least one party should decide the relationship is

important.
If I decide my relationship with someone is important, then I will
invest time and energy to understand that person’s needs and to
deal with anything that gets in the way. (It’s easier if the other
person thinks it’s important too, but not essential.) Even if I try and
fail, I will know that I gave it my best shot and can gain comfort
from that.

2. Learn to listen effectively, and without judging.

Effective and non-judgemental listening will help you to understand
the other person or people. When someone listens to you, both your
own sense of worth and the worth of the listener increases. Judging
another person almost always creates distance and defensiveness.

3. Meet people informally, so they feel comfortable raising

issues that are important to them.
Most people feel more relaxed in informal settings. If you are
intending to meet with someone with the specific purpose of
developing your relationship with that person, think about holding
the meeting in a setting in which he or she will feel comfortable.
When people are relaxed they are more able to speak about what is
important to them.

4. Develop a culture whereby people can express their

feelings.
We create relationships by sharing thoughts and feelings. When we
express happiness, joy, contentment, anger, irritation, sadness or
fear we feel more vulnerable, but we can also feel more connected.
Unexpressed feelings can get in the way of building closeness. It is
difficult for two people to have a useful conversation if one of them
is unaware that the other is angry about something the he or she
said or did. There is a good chance that this will result in a cold or
aggressive atmosphere when these two people meet, and this will
get in the way. Organisational cultures that encourage people to
connect can generate a passionate commitment to achieve
wonderful things together.

What Gets In The Way?

A number of things can get in the way of forming an effective
relationship, including:

A history of mistrust or stereotyping

We get a great deal of misinformation about people who are in
different groups to ourselves. There is often more difference
between the members of a group than between groups. If ever we
think ‘All ____ are like that’, then we are stereotyping. This causes
destruction in relationships; everyone is unique and wants to feel
uniquely valuable. When stereotyping is endemic, consistent
mistreatment or oppression of one group by another is common,
which, in turn, reinforces people’s negative feelings that can,
understandably, colour their attitudes.

Blaming the other party for a difficult relationship

Blaming another person or group is usually futile. It creates
distance and defensiveness, and does not help the relationship
develop. If I am not happy about a relationship, it is more useful for
me to think about what I need to do, or not to do, to make it better.
I can change my behaviour much more easily than I can persuade
you to change yours.

Focusing on the task and excluding the feelings and needs of others
People have feelings and they bring those feelings to work. Some
organisations harness the feelings and help people use their energy,
joy and laughter to good effect. If you ignore people’s feelings and
drive through the task regardless, then your best people will leave,
you will alienate your customers and you will not get the
contribution you could get. People are not machines; if you treat
them with respect and understanding, and listen to their feelings,
they will want to give more and work better together.

Unclear objectives, roles and expectations of each other

If we don’t know what we want from each other, misunderstandings
are inevitable and the relationship will suffer.

Techniques For Building Effective Relationships

Here are a variety of methods and examples for building effective
relationships in organisations that avoid any of the pitfalls that can
occur when people don’t know what they want from each other. The
combinations of relationships we will examine include those:

* between two people

* between people in groups
* between the groups themselves, and
* throughout the whole organisation.

Between Two People

Method 1: Active listening. Here one party summarises in her or
his own words what s/he hears the other person say and the
feelings underlying it. S/he then feeds back to this person. The
process continues until the talker is sure the listener understands.
Then the roles are reversed.

Method 2: Taking turns to help each other. Each person has a

turn describing an issue, idea or problem. The first person acts as
consultant and helps the second person to arrive at a solution. At
the end of the turn, the person being helped gives the consultant
feedback on what the other participant did that helped. Then the
roles are reversed. This technique is an economical and effective
way to give and receive help and build good relationships at the
same time. It will work if you take turns. Then both people feel
good about giving useful help and about getting it.

Method 3: Helping contracts. On the left-hand side of a sheet of

paper, write down a list of ‘things I can do to help you’. Then, on
the right-hand side, write a list of ‘things you could do to help me’.
Invite the other person to add to both lists. Discuss the results and
work on the changes.

Between People In Groups

Method 1: Taking turns. Start by asking each person to talk for
up to a minute about something that is going well for them, while
everyone else listens. This relaxes people and they will be more
positive for the remainder of the meeting. Then ask each person in
the group to speak in turn for, say, up to three minutes on the topic
of the meeting, while everyone else listens without interrupting.
Everyone will have had a turn to say what they want and be heard.
This simple process avoids the competition and frustration that
make so many meetings ineffective.

Method 2: Process review. Half-way through a meeting, ask each

participant to say how s/he thinks the meeting is going. You can use
phrases like: ‘What is good about the way we are working
together?’ and ‘How can we improve the second half of our
meeting?’ If this is difficult to do during the discussion, ask similar
questions at the end of any significant meeting.
Between Groups
Method 1: Image exchange. In separate groups write on a
flipchart ‘How we see ourselves’, ‘How we see the other group(s)’
and ‘How we think the other group sees us’. Then meet together in
a plenary session, examine the data and discuss what lies behind it.
Finally, set up mixed groups to tackle common problems.

Method 2: Joint projects. Identify projects that require

participation from two or more groups. Involve members of these
groups in the planning of the project, and make sure you discuss
with them how the meetings are going and how to improve them.

Method 3: Joint activities. Creating something together can be an

excellent way of building relationships between groups. This is
especially true when the activity requires talents, organisational
ability, social skills and contacts, which you cannot predict from
group membership.

Across the Whole Organisation

Method 1: Team building. The effectiveness of an organisation
depends on people working well in teams. Team building helps a
team to create a clear and shared vision of what its members are
trying to achieve. Team members also identify the practical issues
they face, start to tackle them together and learn how to work
together.

Method 2: Survey work. An objective person who is usually

external to the organisation interviews people from across and
down the organisation, and collects a valid picture by asking: ‘What
is working well?’, ‘Where are things hurting?’, ‘What do you or your
colleagues need to improve?’ and ‘How are you managing these
things now?’ The outsider feeds this information back to the
organisation and helps those involved plan improvements. The
process brings things into the open and makes them easier to talk
about.

The principles of building an effective relationship are universal;

they apply in both private and work relationships, and they are not
dependent on age and class. The methods that we have covered
work best when we understand three simple things. First, however
it may appear, we are all doing the best we can, given our situation
and history. Second, win–win solutions are always possible. Finally,
every person and every group has something valuable to
contribute.
FINAL TIPS TO HELP YOU BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE
1. Meet the person at their level – standing, sitting etc.

2. Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying

to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder – just don’t
overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be
a great conversation – postpone it until you have both calmed
down.

If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this
conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time
or date.

3. If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome

for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3
above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to
spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be
open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.

4. If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body
language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the
tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position – thumb to
thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations
of this that you will easily find in a google search.

5. Feelings are really important – most people are capable of

spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how
you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive
or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop
the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue
is that your words don’t come out easily – like there is something
stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue
then that’s fantastic.

6. Saying No – if you are asked to do something that is in the

future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what
you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the
time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is
no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the
time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying
a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now,
if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all
the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises.
Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find
someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the
list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then
consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to
think that way of you?
7. Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think
about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive.
How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If
appropriate, ask them what they think about it.

8. Start small and gain experience – maybe you could simply ask
someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee
from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really
helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and
go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!

Celebrate how far you have come – becoming assertive takes time
and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you
have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid
to make mistakes – if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth
will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you
are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated –
good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you
wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.

Ultimately, this takes time, as does any process of change. Find the
courage to say no, when appropriate. It’s worth the hard work to
feel happier about yourself and know that you can meet any
situation with the right balance of assertiveness and confidence.