Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams

A Story by SYLVIA PLATH

Ib v E R Y d a y fro m n in e to five I sit a t m y desk facin g of m y a p a r tm e n t b u ild in g . S o m e n ig h ts, a b o u t 3

th e d o o r of th e office a n d ty p e u p o th e r p e o p le ’s a . m . O v e r th e tre e s a t th e fa r sid e o f th e C o m m o n
d re a m s. N o t j u s t d re a m s . T h a t w o u ld n ’t b e th e U n ite d F u n d to r c h fla re fla tte n s a n d re c o v e rs
p ra c tic a l e n o u g h for m y bosses. I ty p e u p also u n d e r so m e w itc h y in v isib le p u sh , a n d h e re a n d
p e o p le ’s d a y tim e c o m p la in ts : tr o u b le w ith m o th e r, th e re in th e h u n k s o f sto n e a n d b ric k I see a lig h t.
tro u b le w ith fa th e r, tr o u b le w ith th e b o ttle , th e M o st of all, th o u g h , I feel th e c ity sle e p in g . S le e p in g
b ed , th e h e a d a c h e t h a t b a n g s h o m e a n d b lacks o u t fro m th e riv e r on th e w est to th e o c e a n o n th e e a st,
th e sw eet w o rld for n o k n o w n re a so n . N o b o d y lik e so m e rootless isla n d ro c k a b y in g itself o n n o th in g
com es to o u r office unless th e y h a v e tro u b les. a t all.
T ro u b le s t h a t c a n ’t b e p in p o in te d b y W a sse rm a n n s I c a n b e tig h t a n d n e rv y as th e to p s trin g o n a
o r W ech sler-B ellev u es alo n e. v io lin , a n d y e t b y th e tim e th e sky b e g in s to b lu e
M a y b e a m o u se gets to th in k in g p r e tty e a rly o n I ’m re a d y fo r sleep. I t ’s th e th o u g h t o f all th o se
h o w th e w h o le w o rld is r u n b y th e se e n o rm o u s feet. d re a m e rs a n d w h a t th e y ’re d r e a m in g w e a rs m e
W ell, fro m w h e re I sit I fig u re th e w o rld is ru n b y d o w n till I sleep th e sleep o f fev er. M o n d a y to
o n e th in g a n d th is o n e th in g o n ly . P a n ic w ith a F r id a y w h a t d o I d o b u t ty p e u p th o se sa m e d re a m s .
dog-face, d ev il-face, h a g -fa c e , w h o re -fa ce , p a n ic in S u re, I d o n ’t to u c h a f r a c tio n o f th e m th e c ity o v e r,
c a p ita l le tte rs w ith n o face a t all — it’s th e sa m e b u t p a g e b y p a g e , d r e a m b y d r e a m , m y I n ta k e b o o k s
J o h n n y P a n ic , a w a k e o r asleep. fa tte n a n d w eig h d o w n th e b o o k sh e lv e s o f th e
W h e n p e o p le ask m e w h e re I w o rk , I te ll th e m c a b in e t in th e n a r r o w p a ssa g e r u n n in g p a r a lle l to
I ’m a ssista n t to th e s e c re ta ry in o n e of th e o u t­ th e m a in h a ll, off w h ic h p a ssa g e th e d o o rs to a ll th e
p a tie n t d e p a r tm e n ts of th e C linics B u ild in g of th e d o c to rs ’ little in te rv ie w in g c u b ic le s o p e n .
C ity H o s p ita l. T h is so u n d s so b e -a ll, e n d -a ll th e y I ’ve g o t a fu n n y h a b i t o f id e n tify in g th e p e o p le
seld o m g e t a ro u n d to ask in g m e m o re th a n w h a t w h o c o m e in by th e ir d re a m s . As f a r as I ’m c o n ­
I do, a n d w h a t I d o is m a in ly ty p e u p reco rd s. O n c e rn e d , th e d re a m s sin g le th e m o u t m o re th a n
m y o w n h o o k th o u g h , a n d c o m p le te ly u n d e r cover, a n y C h ris tia n n a m e . T h is o n e g u y , fo r e x a m p le ,
I a m p u rs u in g a v o c a tio n t h a t w o u ld set th ese w h o w orks fo r a b a ll- b e a r in g c o m p a n y in to w n ,
d o c to rs o n th e ir ears. I n th e p riv a c y of m y o n e- d re a m s e v e ry n ig h t h o w h e ’s ly in g o n h is b a c k w ith
ro o m a p a r tm e n t I call m yself se c re ta ry to n o n e a g ra in of sa n d o n h is c h e st. B it b y b it th is g r a in o f
o th e r th a n J o h n n y P a n ic h im self. sa n d grow s b ig g e r a n d b ig g e r till i t ’s b ig as a f a ir­
D re a m b y d r e a m I a m e d u c a tin g m y se lf to b e ­ sized h o u se a n d h e c a n ’t d ra w b r e a th . A n o th e r
c o m e th a t r a r e c h a r a c te r , r a r e r , in tr u th , th a n a n y fellow I k n o w of h a s h a d a c e r ta in d r e a m e v e r sin ce
m e m b e r of th e P sy c h o a n a ly tic In s titu te : a d re a m th e y g a v e h im e th e r a n d c u t o u t his to n sils a n d
co n n o isse u r. N o t a d re a m -s to p p e r, a d re a m -e x ­ a d e n o id s w h e n h e w a s a k id. I n th is d r e a m h e ’s
p la in e r, a n e x p lo ite r of d re a m s fo r th e crass p r a c ­ c a u g h t in th e ro llers o f a c o tto n m ill, fig h tin g fo r h is
tic a l en d s of h e a lth a n d h a p p in e s s , b u t a n u n so rd id life. O h , h e ’s n o t a lo n e , a lth o u g h h e th in k s h e is.
c o lle c to r of d re a m s fo r th em selv es a lo n e . A lo ver of A lo t of p e o p le th e se d a y s d r e a m th e y ’re b e in g r u n
d re a m s for J o h n n y P a n ic ’s sak e, th e M a k e r of th e m o v er o r e a te n b y m a c h in e s . T h e y ’re th e c a g e y o n es
all. w h o w o n ’t go on th e su b w a y o r th e e le v a to rs. C o m ­
T h e re isn ’t a d r e a m I ’ve ty p e d u p in o u r re c o rd in g b a c k fro m m y lu n c h h o u r in th e h o s p ita l cafe-
book s th a t I d o n ’t k n o w b y h e a rt. T h e r e isn’t a
d re a m I h a v e n ’t c o p ie d o u t a t h o m e in to J o h n n y
The beginnings of a cult were gathering about the
P a n ic ’s B ib le of D re a m s. Massachusetts-born poet Sylvia Plath, even before her
T h is is m y re a l callin g . suicide, at the age of thirty, in London in 1963. This
S om e n ig h ts I ta k e th e e le v a to r u p to th e ro o f story was among the works she left behind.

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te ria I o ften pass th e m , p u ffin g u p th e unsvvept a ro u n d in it o v e r th e c e n tu rie s. W h e n y o u th in k

sto n e stairs to o u r office o n th e f o u rth floor. I w o n ­ h o w m u c h ro o m o n e n ig h t of d re a m p ro p s w o u ld
d e r, n o w a n d th e n , w h a t d re a m s p e o p le h a d befo re tak e u p for o n e p e rso n in o n e city , a n d th a t city
b a ll b e a rin g s a n d c o tto n m ills w e re in v e n te d . a m ere p in p ric k o n a m a p of th e w o rld , a n d w h en
I ’ve g o t a d r e a m of m y o w n . M y o n e d re a m . yo u s ta rt m u ltip ly in g th is sp ace by th e p o p u la tio n
A d r e a m of d re a m s. of th e w o rld , a n d t h a t sp ace b y th e n u m b e r of
In th is d r e a m th e re ’s a g r e a t h a lf - tr a n s p a re n t n ig h ts th e re h a v e b e e n since th e apes took to
la k e s tre tc h in g a w a y in e v e ry d ire c tio n , to o big fo r c h ip p in g axes o u t of sto n e a n d losing th e ir h a ir,
m e to see th e sh o res of it, if th e re a re a n y shores, y o u h a v e som e id e a w h a t I m e a n . I ’m n o t th e
a n d I ’m h a n g in g over it lo o k in g d o w n fro m th e m a th e m a tic a l ty p e : m y h e a d sta rts sp littin g w hen
glass b e lly o f so m e h e lic o p te r. A t th e b o tto m of I get o n ly as fa r as th e n u m b e r of d re a m s g o ing on
th e la k e — so d e e p I c a n o n ly guess a t th e d a rk d u rin g one n ig h t in th e sta te of M assach u setts.
m asses m o v in g a n d h e a v in g — a re th e re a l d ra g o n s. By th is tim e, I a lre a d y see th e su rface of th e lake
T h e ones t h a t w e re a ro u n d b efo re m e n s ta rte d liv in g sw a rm in g w ith snakes, d e a d b o dies p u ffed as blow -
in cav es a n d co o k in g m e a t o v er fires a n d fig u rin g fish, h u m a n em b ry o s b o b b in g a ro u n d in la b o ra to ry
o u t th e w h e e l a n d th e a lp h a b e t. E n o rm o u s isn ’t th e b o ttles like so m a n y u n fin ish e d m essages fro m th e
g re a t I A m . I see w h o le sto reh o u ses of h a rd w a re :
knives, p a p e r c u tte rs, p istons a n d cogs a n d n u t­
c ra c k e rs; th e sh in y fro n ts of cars lo o m in g u p , glass­
ey ed a n d e v il-to o th e d . T h e n th e re ’s th e sp id er-
m a n a n d th e w eb -fo o ted m a n fro m M ars, a n d th e
sim p le, lu g u b rio u s vision of a h u m a n face tu rn in g
aside forever, in sp ite of rin g s a n d vows, to th e last
lo v er of all.
O n e of th e m ost fre q u e n t sh ap es in this la rg e
stew is so c o m m o n p la c e it seem s silly to m e n tio n it.
I t ’s a g ra in of d irt. The w a te r is th ick w ith these
g ra in s. T h e y seep in a m o n g e v e ry th in g else a n d
re v o lv e u n d e r som e q u e e r p o w e r of th e ir ow n,
o p a q u e , u b iq u ito u s. G all th e w a te r w h a t y o u will,
L a k e N ig h tm a re , Bog of M ad n ess, it’s h ere th e
sleep in g p eo p le lie a n d toss to g e th e r a m o n g th e
p ro p s o f th e ir w o rst d re a m s, one g re a t b ro th e rh o o d ,
th o u g h e a c h of th e m , w ak in g , th in k s h im self sin ­
g u la r, u tte rly a p a rt.
T h is is m y d re a m . Y ou w o n ’t fin d it w ritte n u p
w o rd for th e m ; th e y ’ve g o t m o re w rin k les th a n in a n y casebook.
J o h n n y P a n ic him self. D re a m a b o u t th ese lo n g N ow th e ro u tin e in o u r office is v ery d iffe re n t
e n o u g h , a n d y o u r feet a n d h a n d s sh riv e l a w a y w h e n fro m th e ro u tin e in S kin C linic, for ex a m p le , o r in
y o u lo o k a t th e m to o closely; th e su n sh rin k s to th e T u m o r. T h e o th e r clinics h a v e s tro n g sim ilarities
size o f a n o ra n g e , only c h illie r, a n d y o u ’ve b een to e a c h o th e r; n o n e a re like ours. In o u r clinic,
liv in g in R o x b u r y since th e la st Ic e A ge. N o p la c e tre a tm e n t d o e sn ’t g et p re sc rib e d . I t is invisible.
fo r y o u b u t a ro o m p a d d e d soft as th e first ro o m I t goes rig h t on in th o se little cubicles, e a c h w ith its
y o u k n ew of, w h e re y ou c a n d r e a m a n d float, flo a t desk, its tw o ch airs, its w in d o w , a n d its d o o r w ith
a n d d re a m , till a t la st y ou a c tu a lly a re b a c k a m o n g th e o p a q u e glass re c ta n g le set in th e w ood. T h e re
th o se g re a t o rig in a ls a n d th e r e ’s n o p o in t in a n y is a c e rta in s p iritu a l p u rity a b o u t this k in d of
d re a m s a t all. d o c to rin g . I c a n ’t h e lp feeling th e sp ecial privilege
I t ’s in to th is la k e p e o p le ’s m in d s r u n a t n ig h t, o f m y p o sitio n as assistan t s e c re ta ry in th e A d u lt
b ro o k s a n d g u tte r-tric k le s to o n e b o rd e rle ss c o m ­ P sy c h ia tric C linic. M y sense of p rid e is b o rn e o u t
m o n re se rv o ir. I t b ears n o re s e m b la n c e to those b y th e ru d e inv asio n s of o th e r clinics in to o u r
p u re s p a rk lin g b lu e sources o f d r in k in g w a te r th e cu b icles o n c e rta in d ay s of th e w eek for lack of space
s u b u rb s g u a r d m o re je a lo u s ly th a n th e H o p e elsew h ere: o u r b u ild in g is a v ery old one, a n d th e
d ia m o n d in th e m id d le o f p in e w o o d s a n d b a rb e d facilities h av e n o t e x p a n d e d w ith th e e x p a n d in g
fences. n eeds of th e tim e . O n th ese d ay s of o v e rla p the
I t ’s th e se w a g e fa rm o f th e ages, tra n s p a re n c e c o n tra s t b etw e e n us a n d th e o th e r clinics is m ark ed .
aside. O n T u e sd a y s a n d T h u rsd a y s, for in sta n c e , w e
N o w th e w a te r in this la k e n a tu r a lly stinks a n d h a v e lu m b a r p u n c tu re s in o n e of o u r offices in the
sm o k es fro m w h a t d re a m s h a v e b e e n left so g ging m o rn in g . If th e p ra c tic a l n u rse c h a n c e s to leave

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th e d o o r of th e c u b ic le o p e n , as sh e u su a lly does, I re m e m b e r o n e g u y , a sto c k y fellow in a n a il-

I c a n g lim p se th e e n d o f th e w h ite c o t a n d th e d irty s tu d d e d b la c k le a th e r ja c k e t, r u n n in g s tr a ig h t in to
yellow -soled b a r e feet of th e p a tie n t stic k in g o u t us fro m a b o x in g m a tc h a t M e c h a n ic s H a ll, J o h n n y
fro m u n d e r th e sh eet. In sp ite o f m y d istaste a t P a n ic h o t a t his heels. T h is g u y , g o o d C a th o lic
this sig h t, I c a n ’t k e e p m y eyes a w a y fro m th e th o u g h h e w as, y o u n g a n d u p r ig h t a n d all, h a d o n e
b a re feet, a n d I fin d m y self g la n c in g b a c k fro m m e a n fe a r o f d e a th . H e w as a c tu a lly s c a re d b lu e
m y ty p in g e v e ry few m in u te s to see if th e y are still h e ’d go to hell. H e w a s a p ie c e w o rk e r a t a
th e re , if th e y h a v e c h a n g e d th e ir p o sitio n a t all. flu o re sc e n t lig h t p la n t. I r e m e m b e r th is d e ta il
Y o u c a n u n d e r s ta n d w h a t a d is tra c tio n th is is in b e c a u se I th o u g h t it f u n n y h e s h o u ld w o rk th e re ,
th e m id d le of m y w o rk . I o ften h a v e to r e re a d w h a t h im b e in g so a fra id o f th e d a r k as it tu r n e d o u t.
I h a v e ty p e d se v e ra l tim es, u n d e r th e p re te n se of J o h n n y P a n ic in jects a p o e tic e le m e n t in th is b u s i­
care fu l p ro o fre a d in g , in o r d e r to m e m o riz e th e ness y o u d o n ’t o ften fin d else w h e re . A n d fo r t h a t
d re a m s I h a v e c o p ie d d o w n fro m th e d o c to r ’s voice h e h a s m y e te rn a l g r a titu d e .
o v er th e a u d o g ra p h . I also re m e m b e r q u ite c le a rly th e sc e n a rio of th e
N e rv e C lin ic n e x t d o o r, w h ic h te n d s to th e d r e a m I h a d w o rk e d o u t fo r th is g u y : a G o th ic
grosser, m o re u n im a g in a tiv e e n d of o u r business, in te rio r in so m e m o n a s te ry c e lla r, g o in g o n a n d on
also d istu rb s us in th e m o rn in g s. W e use th e ir offices as fa r as y o u c o u ld see, o n e o f th o se en d le ss p e rs p e c ­
for th e r a p y in th e a fte rn o o n , as th e y a r e o n ly a tives b e tw e e n tw o m irro rs , a n d th e p illa rs a n d w alls
m o rn in g c lin ic, b u t to h a v e th e ir p e o p le c ry in g , o r w ere m a d e o f n o th in g b u t h u m a n skulls a n d b o n e s,
sing in g , o r c h a tte r in g lo u d ly in I ta lia n o r C hinese, a n d in e v e ry n ic h e th e r e w as a b o d y la id o u t, a n d
as th e y often d o , w ith o u t b re a k for fo u r h ours a t it w as th e H a ll of T im e , w ith th e b o d ie s in th e fo re ­
a s tre tc h e v e ry m o rn in g is d is tra c tin g to say th e g ro u n d still w a rm , d isc o lo rin g a n d s ta r tin g to ro t
least. T h e p a tie n ts d o w n th e r e a re o ften re fe rre d to in th e m id d le d is ta n c e , a n d th e b o n e s e m e rg in g ,
us if th e ir tro u b le s h a v e n o o ste n sib le basis in th e c le a n as a w h istle, in a k in d o f w h ite fu tu ris tic g lo w
body. a t th e e n d of th e lin e . As I re c a ll, I h a d th e w h o le
I n sp ite of su c h in te r r u p tio n s b y o th e r clinics, m y scen e lig h te d , fo r th e sak e o f a c c u ra c y , n o t w ith
ow n w o rk is a d v a n c in g a t a g r e a t ra te . By n o w I c a n d le s, b u t w ith th e ic e -b rig h t flu o re sc e n c e t h a t
a m fa r b e y o n d c o p y in g o n ly w h a t co m es a fter th e m ak es th e skin lo o k g re e n a n d a ll th e - p in k a n d re d
p a tie n t’s sa y in g : “ I h a v e th is d re a m , D o c to r.” I a m flushes d e a d b la c k -p u rp le .
a t th e p o in t of r e -c re a tin g d re a m s th a t a r e n o t ev en Y o u ask, h o w d o I k n o w th is w as th e d r e a m o f th e
w ritte n d o w n a t all. D re a m s th a t s h a d o w th e m ­ g u y in th e b la c k le a th e r ja c k e t. I d o n ’t k n o w . I
selves fo rth in th e v a g u e st w a y , b u t a r e th em selves o n ly b e liev e this w as his d r e a m , a n d I w o rk a t b e lie f
h id , like a s ta tu e u n d e r re d v e lv e t b e fo re th e g ra n d w ith m o re e n e rg y a n d te a rs a n d e n tre a tie s th a n I
u n v e ilin g . w o rk a t re -c re a tin g th e d r e a m itself.
T o illu s tra te . T h is w o m a n c a m e in w ith h e r M y office, of c o u rse, h a s its lim ita tio n s . T h e la d y
to n g u e sw ollen a n d stu c k o u t so fa r sh e h a d to w ith h e r to n g u e stu c k o u t, th e g u y fro m M e c h a n ic s
leav e a p a r ty sh e w as g iv in g fo r tw e n ty friends o f H a ll — th ese a re o u r w ild e st ones. T h e p e o p le w h o
h e r F r e n c h - C a n a d ia n m o th e r-in -la w a n d b e ru sh e d h a v e re a lly go n e flo a tin g d o w n to w a rd th e b o tto m
to o u r e m e rg e n c y w a rd . S h e th o u g h t she d id n ’t of th a t b o g g y la k e c o m e in o n ly o n c e , a n d a re th e n
w a n t h e r to n g u e to stick o u t, a n d to te ll th e tr u th , re fe rre d to a p la c e m o re p e r m a n e n t th a n o u r office,
it w as a n e x c e e d in g ly e m b a rra s s in g a ffa ir fo r h e r, w h ic h receives th e p u b lic fro m n in e to five, five
b u t she h a te d t h a t F re n c h - C a n a d ia n m o th e r-in -la w d a y s a w eek o n ly . E v e n th o se p e o p le w h o a re
w orse th a n pigs, a n d h e r to n g u e w as tru e to h e r b a re ly a b le to w a lk a b o u t th e s tre e ts a n d k e e p
o p in io n , e v en if th e re st of h e r w a s n ’t. N o w she w o rk in g , w h o a r e n ’t y e t h a lfw a y d o w n in th e la k e ,
d id n ’t la y c la im to a n y d re a m s . I h a v e o n ly th e g e t se n t to th e o u tp a tie n t d e p a r tm e n t a t a n o th e r
b a r e facts a b o v e to b e g in w ith , y e t b e h in d th e m h o sp ita l sp e c ia liz in g in s e v e re r cases. O r th e y m a y
I d e te c t th e b u lg e a n d p ro m ise of a d re a m . sta y a m o n th o r so in o u r o w n o b s e rv a tio n w a r d in
So I se t m y self to u p ro o tin g th is d r e a m fro m its th e c e n tr a l h o s p ita l, w h ic h I ’ve n e v e r seen.
c o m fo rta b le p u rc h a s e u n d e r h e r to n g u e . I ’ve seen th e s e c re ta ry o f t h a t w a rd , th o u g h .
W h a te v e r th e d r e a m I u n e a r th , b y w ork, ta x in g S o m e th in g a b o u t h e r m e re ly sm o k in g a n d d r in k in g
w o rk , a n d e v e n b y a k in d o f p ra y e r, I a m su re to h e r coffee in th e c a fe te ria a t th e te n o ’clo ck b r e a k
fin d a t h u m b p r in t in th e c o rn e r, a bodiless m id a ir p u t m e o ff so I n e v e r w e n t to sit n e x t to h e r a g a in .
C h e sh ire c a t g rin , w h ic h show s th e w h o le w ork to be S h e h a s a fu n n y n a m e I d o n ’t e v e r q u ite r e m e m b e r
g o tte n u p b y th e g e n iu s o f J o h n n y P a n ic , a n d h im c o rre c tly , so m e th in g re a lly o d d , lik e M iss M il-
alo n e. H e ’s sly, h e ’s su b tle , h e ’s s u d d e n as th u n d e r , le ra v a g e . O n e o f th o se n a m e s t h a t se e m m o re lik e
b u t h e gives h im se lf a w a y o n ly to o o ften . H e sim p ly a p u n m ix in g u p M illto w n a n d R a v a g e th a n a n y ­
c a n ’t resist m e lo d ra m a . M e lo d r a m a o f th e old est, th in g in th e c ity p h o n e d ire c to ry . B u t n o t so o d d a
m o st o b v io u s v a rie ty . n a m e , a fte r all, if y o u ’ve e v e r r e a d th r o u g h th e

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 J O H N N Y P A N I C A N D T H E B I B L E O F D RE A M S

p h o n e d ire c to ry , w ith its H y m a n D id d le b o c k e rs a n d o u t in th e g re e n p a stu re s o f social se c u rity checks.

S a s p a rilla G re e n le a fs. I r e a d th r o u g h th e p h o n e A w o m a n m o re d e d ic a te d to h e r w o rk I n e v e r saw .
b o o k , o n ce, n e v e r m in d w h e n , a n d it satisfied a S h e ’s th e sa m e w a y a b o u t statistics as I a m a b o u t
d e e p n e e d in m e to re a liz e h o w m a n y p eo p le d re a m s: if th e b u ild in g c a u g h t fire she w o u ld th ro w
a r e n ’t c a lle d S m ith . e v e ry la st o n e o f th o se books o f statistics to th e
A n y h o w , th is M iss M ille ra v a g e is a la rg e w o m a n , fire m e n b elo w a t th e serious risk of h e r ow n skin.
n o t fa t, b u t all s tu r d y m uscle a n d ta ll o n to p o f it. I g e t a lo n g e x tre m e ly w ell w ith M iss T a y lo r.
S h e w e a rs a g ra y su it o v e r h e r h a r d b u lk th a t T h e o n e th in g I n e v e r le t h e r c a tc h m e d o in g is
re m in d s m e v a g u e ly of som e k in d of u n ifo rm , w ith ­ re a d in g th e o ld re c o rd books. I h a v e a c tu a lly very
o u t th e d e ta ils o f c u t h a v in g a n y th in g strik in g ly little tim e for this. O u r office is b u sie r th a n the
m ilita r y a b o u t th e m . H e r face, h e fty as a b u llo c k ’s, sto ck e x c h a n g e w ith th e sta ff of tw en ty -fiv e d o cto rs
is c o v e re d w ith a r e m a rk a b le n u m b e r of tin y in a n d o u t, m e d ic a l s tu d e n ts in tra in in g , p a tie n ts,
m a c u la e , as if sh e ’d b een ly in g u n d e r w a te r fo r som e p a tie n ts ’ relativ es, a n d v isitin g officials fro m o th e r
tim e a n d little a lg a e h a d la tc h e d o n to h e r skin, clin ics re fe rrin g p a tie n ts to us, so ev en w h en I ’m
s m u tc h in g it o v e r w ith to b a c c o -b ro w n s a n d g reens. c o v e rin g th e office a lo n e, d u rin g M iss T a y lo r’s
T h e s e m oles a re n o tic e a b le m a in ly b e c a u se th e coffee b re a k a n d lu n c h h o u r, I seld o m g et to d ash
sk in a r o u n d th e m is so p a llid . I so m e tim e s w o n d e r d o w n m o re th a n a n o te o r tw o.
if M iss M ille ra v a g e has e v e r seen th e w h o leso m e T h is k in d of c a tc h -a s -c a tc h -c a n is n e rv e -ra ck in g ,
lig h t o f d a y . I w o u ld n ’t b e a b it su rp ris e d if sh e’d to say th e least. A lo t of th e b est d re a m e rs a re in th e
b e e n b r o u g h t u p fro m th e c ra d le w ith th e sole o ld books, th e d re a m e rs th a t c o m e in to us only
b e n e fit of a rtific ia l lig h tin g . o n ce o r tw ice fo r e v a lu a tio n befo re th e y ’re sen t
B y rn a , th e se c re ta ry in A lc o h o lic C lin ic ju s t elsew h ere. F o r c o p y in g o u t th ese d re a m s I n eed
acro ss th e h a ll fro m us, in tr o d u c e d m e to M iss tim e , a lo t of tim e. M y c irc u m sta n c e s a re h a rd ly
M ille ra v a g e w ith th e g a m b it th a t I ’d “ b e e n in id e a l for th e u n h u r r ie d p u rs u it of m y a rt. T h e re is,
E n g la n d to o .” of co u rse, a c e rta in d e rrin g -d o in w o rk in g u n d e r
M iss M ille ra v a g e , it tu r n e d o u t, h a d s p e n t th e su ch h a z a rd s, b u t I lo n g fo r th e ric h leisu re of th e
b e s t y e a rs of h e r life in L o n d o n h o sp ita ls. tr u e c o n n o isse u r w h o in d u lg e s his nostrils ab o v e
“ H a d a frie n d ,” sh e b o o m e d in h e r q u e e r, d o g ­ th e b r a n d y sn ifte r fo r a n h o u r before his to n g u e
gish basso, n o t fa v o rin g m e w ith a d ire c t look, “ a re a c h e s o u t for th e first taste.
n u rs e a t St. B a r t’s. T r ie d to g e t in to u c h w ith h e r I fin d m yself a ll to o o ften la te ly im a g in in g w h a t a
a fte r th e w a r, b u t th e h e a d of th e n u rses h a d re lie f it w o u ld b e to b rin g a b riefcase in to w ork, big
c h a n g e d , e v e ry b o d y ’d c h a n g e d , n o b o d y ’d h e a rd of e n o u g h to h o ld o n e o f th o se th ic k , b lue, c lo th -
h e r. S h e m u s t’ve g o n e d o w n w ith th e o ld h e a d b o u n d re c o rd books full of d re a m s. A t M iss T a y lo r’s
n u rse , r u b b is h a n d all, in th e b o m b in g s .” S h e lu n c h tim e , in th e lu ll befo re th e d o c to rs a n d s tu ­
fo llo w ed this w ith a la rg e g rin . d e n ts c ro w d in to ta k e th e ir a fte rn o o n p a tie n ts, I
N o w I ’ve seen m e d ic a l s tu d e n ts c u ttin g u p c o u ld sim p ly slip o n e of th e books, d a te d te n o r
c a d a v e rs , fo u r stiffs to a c la ssro o m a b o u t as re c o g ­ fifteen years b a c k , in to m y briefcase, a n d le a v e th e
n iz a b ly h u m a n as M o b y D ick , a n d th e s tu d e n ts briefcase u n d e r m y desk till five o ’clo ck stru ck . O f
p la y in g c a tc h w ith th e d e a d m e n ’s livers. I ’ve co u rse, o d d -lo o k in g b u n d le s a re in sp e c te d by th e
h e a r d g u y s jo k e a b o u t sew in g a w o m a n u p w ro n g d o o rm a n of th e C linics B u ild in g , a n d th e h o sp ital
a fte r a d e liv e ry a t th e c h a rity w a rd o f th e L y in g -In . h as its ow n sta ff of flatfeet to c h e c k u p on th e
B u t I w o u ld n ’t w a n t to see w h a t M iss M ille ra v a g e m u ltip le v a rie tie s of th ie v e ry th a t go on, b u t for
w o u ld w rite o ff as th e b ig g e st la u g h of all tim e. h e a v e n ’s sake, I ’m n o t th in k in g of m a k in g off w ith
N o th a n k s a n d th e n som e. Y o u c o u ld s c ra tc h h e r ty p e w rite rs o r h e ro in . I ’d o n ly b o rro w th e book
eyes w ith a p in a n d sw e a r y o u ’d s tru c k solid o v e rn ig h t a n d slip it b a c k o n th e sh elf first th in g
q u a r tz . th e n e x t d a y befo re a n y b o d y else c a m e in. Still,
b e in g c a u g h t ta k in g a book o u t of th e h o sp ital

M y boss h a s a sense of h u m o r to o , o n ly it's

g e n tle . G e n e ro u s as S a n ta o n C h ris tm a s E ve.
w o u ld p ro b a b ly m e a n losing m y jo b a n d all m y
so u rc e m a te ria l w ith it.
T h is id e a of m u llin g o v e r a re c o rd b o o k in th e
I w o rk fo r a m id d le -a g e d la d y n a m e d M iss T a y ­ p riv a c y a n d c o m fo rt of m y ow n a p a r tm e n t, even if
lo r w h o is th e h e a d se c re ta ry of th e clin ic a n d has I h a v e to sta y u p n ig h t a fte r n ig h t fo r th is pu rp o se,
b e e n sin ce th e c lin ic s ta rte d th ir ty - th r e e y ears ago a ttra c ts m e so m u c h I b e c o m e m o re a n d m o re
— th e y e a r of m y b irth , o d d ly e n o u g h . M iss T a y lo r im p a tie n t w ith m y u su a l m e th o d of sn a tc h in g
kn o w s e v e ry d o c to r, ev ery p a tie n t, e v e ry o u tm o d e d m in u te s to look u p d re a m s in M iss T a y lo r’s h a lf
a p p o in tm e n t slip, re fe rra l slip, a n d b illin g p ro c e ­ h o u rs o u t of th e office.
d u r e th e h o s p ita l h a s ever u se d o r th o u g h t of using. T h e tro u b le is, I c a n n e v e r tell e x a c tly w h en M iss
S h e p la n s to stick w ith th e c lin ic u n til sh e ’s fa rm e d T a y lo r w ill c o m e b a c k to th e office. S h e is so con-

57
The Atlantic Monthly

scien tio u s a b o u t h e r jo b sh e ’d be likely to c u t h e r o r sit d o w n o n c h a irs o r s h a k e h a n d s if a ll th e

h a lf h o u r a t lu n c h s h o rt a n d h e r tw e n ty m in u te s a t c a rd in a ls of R o m e to o k to blessin g h im tw e n ty -
coffee s h o rte r if it w e re n ’t fo r h e r la m e left leg. fo u r h o u rs a r o u n d th e clo ck fo r fe a r o f c a tc h in g
T h e d is tin c t so u n d of this la m e leg in th e c o rrid o r c a n c e r. H is m o th e r h a d to go tu r n in g th e T V k n o b s
w a rn s m e of h e r a p p r o a c h in tim e fo r m e to w h ip a n d w a te r fa u c e ts o n a n d off a n d o p e n in g d o o rs fo r
th e re c o rd b o o k I ’m re a d in g in to m y d ra w e r o u t h im . P r e tty soon H a r r y s to p p e d g o in g to w o rk b e ­
of sig h t a n d p re te n d to be p u ttin g d o w n th e fin al cau se of th e sp it a n d d o g d ro p p in g s in th e s tre e t.
flo u rish es on a p h o n e m essage, o r so m e such alib i. F irst th a t stu ff g ets o n y o u r shoes, a n d th e n w h e n
T h e o n ly c a tc h , as fa r as m y n erv es a re c o n c e rn e d , y o u ta k e y o u r shoes o d it g ets o n y o u r h a n d s , a n d
is t h a t A m p u te e C lin ic is a r o u n d th e c o rn e r fro m th e n a t d in n e r i t ’s a q u ic k trip in to y o u r m o u th
us in th e o p p o site d ire c tio n fro m N e rv e C linic, a n d a n d n o t a h u n d r e d H a ii M a r y ’s c a n k e e p y o u fro m
I ’ve g o tte n re a lly ju m p y d u e to a lo t of false a la rm s th e c h a in re a c tio n . T h e la s t s tra w w as, H a r r y
w h e re I ’ve m ista k e n so m e p e g le g ’s h itc h in g step q u it w e ig h t liltin g a t th e p u b lic g y m w h e n h e saw
fo r th e ste p of M iss T a y lo r h e rse lf r e tu r n in g e a rly th is c rip p le ex e rc isin g w ith th e d u m b b e lls . Y o u
to th e office. c a n n e v e r tell w h a t g e rm s c rip p le s c a r r y b e h in d
O n th e b la c k e st d a y s w h e n I ’ve scarcely tim e th e ir e a rs a n d u n d e r th e ir fin g e rn a ils. D a y a n d
to sq u e e z e o n e d r e a m o u t of th e old b ooks a n d m y n ig h t H a r r y B ilbo liv e d in h o ly w o rsh ip o f J o h n n y
c o p y w o rk is n o th in g b u t w e e p y co lleg e so p h o m o res P a n ic , d e v o u t as a n y p rie s t a m o n g cen sers a n d sac­
w h o c a n ’t g e t a le a d in Carruno Real, I feel J o h n n y ra m e n ts . H e h a d a b e a u ty a ll his o w n .
P a n ic tu r n his b ack , sto n y as E v erest, h ig h e r th a n W ell, th ese w h ite -c o a te d tin k e re rs m a n a g e d , th e
O rio n , a n d th e m o tto of th e g r e a t B ib le o f D ream s, lo t of th e m , to ta lk H a r r y in to tu r n in g o n th e
“ P e rfe c t fe a r c a s te th o u t all else,” is ash a n d le m o n T V him self, a n d th e w a te r fa u c e ts, a n d to o p e n in g
w a te r o n m y lips. I ’m a w o rm y h e r m it in a c o u n try closet d o o rs, f ro n t d o o rs, b a r d o o rs. B efore th e y
of p riz e pigs so c o r n - h a p p y th e y c a n ’t see th e w e re th r o u g h w ith h im , h e w as s ittin g d o w n on
s la u g h te rh o u s e a t th e e n d of th e tra c k . I ’m J e r e ­ m o v ie-h o u se c h a irs, a n d b e n c h e s ail o v e r th e P u b lic
m ia h v is io n -b itte n in th e L a n d of C o ck aig n e. G a rd e n , a n d w e ig h t liftin g e v e ry d a y o f th e w eek
W h a t's w orse: d a y by d a y I see th ese psyche- a t th e g y m in sp ite o f th e fa c t a n o th e r c r ip p le to o k
d o c to rs s tu d y in g to w in J o h n n y P a n ic ’s co n v erts to u sin g th e ro w in g m a c h in e . A t th e e n d o f his
fro m h im b y hoo k , cro o k , a n d ta lk , talk, talk . tr e a tm e n t h e c a m e in to sh a k e h a n d s w ith th e
T h e se d e e p -e y e d , b u s h -b e a rd e d d re a m -c o lle c to rs clin ic d ire c to r. In H a r r y B ilb o 's o w n w o rd s, he
w h o p re c e d e d m e in h isto ry , a n d th e ir c o n te m p o ­ w as “ a c h a n g e d m a n .” T h e p u re P a n ic -lig h t h a d
r a r y in h e rito rs w ith th e ir w h ite ja c k e ts a n d k n o tty - left his face; h e w e n t o u t of th e office d o o m e d to th e
p in e -p a n e le d offices a n d le a th e r co u c h e s, p ra c tic e d crass fa te these d o c to rs call h e a lth a n d h a p p in e s s .
a n d still p r a c tic e th e ir d r e a m - g a th e r in g fo r w o rld ly
en d s: h e a lth a n d m o n e y , m o n e y a n d h e a lth . T o
be a tru e m e m b e r of J o h n n y P a n ic ’s c o n g re g a tio n
o n e m u st fo rg e t th e d r e a m e r a n d r e m e m b e r th e ./^ L bout th e tim e of H a r r y B ilbo’s c u re a n ew
d re a m : th e d r e a m e r is m e re ly a flim sy v eh icle for id e a s ta rts n u d g in g a t th e b o tto m o f m y b r a in . I
th e g r e a t D r e a m - M a k e r h im self. T h is they w ill find it as h a r d to ig n o re as th o se b a re feet stic k in g o u t
n o t do. J o h n n y P a n ic is g o ld in th e bow els, a n d of th e lu m b a r p u n c tu r e ro o m . If I d o n ’t w a n t to
th e y try to ro o t h im o u t b y s p iritu a l sto m a c h risk c a rry in g a re c o rd b o o k o u t of th e h o s p ita l in
p u m p s. case I g e t d isc o v e re d a n d fired a n d h a v e to e n d m y
T a k e w h a t h a p p e n e d to H a r r y B ilbo. M r. B ilbo re se a rc h fo rev er, I c a n re a lly sp eed u p w o rk by
c a m e in to o u r office w ith th e h a n d o f J o h n n y sta y in g in th e C lin ics B u ild in g o v e rn ig h t. I a m n o ­
P a n ic h e a v y as a le a d coffin o n his sh o u ld e r. H e w h e re n e a r e x h a u s tin g th e c lin ic ’s reso u rces, a n d th e
h a d a n in te re s tin g n o tio n a b o u t th e filth in this p id d lin g a m o u n t o f cases I a m a b le to re a d in M iss
w o rld . I fig u re d h im for a p r o m in e n t p a r t in T a y lo r’s b rie f a b se n c e s d u r in g th e d a y a re n o th in g
J o h n n y P a n ic ’s B ible of D re a m s, T h ir d Book of to w h a t I c o u ld g e t th r o u g h in a few n ig h ts of
F e a r, C h a p te r N in e o n D irt, D isease, a n d G e n e ra l ste a d y c o p y in g . I n e e d to a c c e le ra te m y w o rk if
D ecay . A frie n d of H a r r y ’s b le w a tr u m p e t in th e o n ly to c o u n te r a c t th o se d o c to rs.
Boy S c o u t b a n d w h e n th e y w e re kid s. H a r r y B efore I k n o w it I a m p u ttin g o n m y c o a t a t
B ilb o ’d also b lo w n o n this frie n d ’s tr u m p e t. Y ears five a n d say in g g o o d -n ig h t to M iss T a y lo r, w h o
la te r th e frie n d g o t c a n c e r a n d d ied . T h e n , o n e u su a lly stay s a few m in u te s o v e rtim e to c le a r u p
d a y n o t so lo n g ag o , a c a n c e r d o c to r c a m e in to th e d a y 's statistics, a n d s n e a k in g a r o u n d th e c o r n e r
H a r r y ’s h o u se, sa t d o w n in a c h a ir, p a sse d th e to p in to th e la d ie s’ ro o m . I t is e m p ty . I slip in to th e
of th e m o rn in g w ith H a r r y ’s m o th e r, a n d on le a v ­ p a tie n t’s jo h n , lo ck th e d o o r fro m th e in sid e , a n d
ing , sh o o k h e r h a n d a n d o p e n e d th e d o o r for h im ­ w a it. F o r all I k n o w , o n e o f th e c lin ic c le a n in g
self. S u d d e n ly H a r r y B ilbo w o u ld n ’t b lo w tru m p e ts la d ie s m a y try to k n o c k th e d o o r d o w n , th in k in g

58
 JO H N N Y PA N IC AN D T H E B IB L E OF DREAM S

som e p a tie n t’s p a sse d o u t on th e seat. M y fingers A ch ill a ir to u ch es th e n a p e of m y neck. F ro m

a re crossed. A b o u t tw e n ty m in u te s la te r th e d o o r w h e re I a m sittin g cross-legged on th e floor in fro n t
o f th e la v a to r y o p e n s an d so m e o n e lim p s o v er th e o f th e c a b in e t, th e re c o rd b o o k h e a v y on m y lap ,
th re s h o ld like a c h ic k e n fa v o rin g a b a d leg. I t is I n o tic e o u t of th e c o rn e r of m y eye th a t th e d o o r of
M iss T a y lo r. 1 c a n tell b y th e re sig n e d sigh as she th e c u b ic le beside m e is le ttin g in a little c ra c k of
m eets th e j a u n d ic e d eye o f th e la v a to ry m irro r. I b lu e lig h t. N o t o n ly a lo n g th e floor, b u t u p th e
h e a r th e clic k -c lu c k of v a rio u s to u c h -u p e q u ip m e n t side of th e d o o r too. This is o d d since I m a d e su re
o n th e b o w l, w a te r sloshing, th e sc ritc h of a c o m b in fro m th e first th a t all th e d o o rs w ere sh u t tig h t. The
frizzed h a ir, a n d th e n th e d o o r is clo sin g w ith a c ra c k of b lu e lig h t is w id e n in g a n d m y eyes a re
slo w -h in g e d w h e e z e b e h in d h e r. fasten ed to tw o m otio n less shoes in th e d o o rw ay ,
I am lu ck y . W h e n I co m e o u t of th e la d ie s’ ro o m toes p o in tin g to w a rd m e.
a t six o ’clo ck th e c o rrid o r lig h ts a re o ff a n d th e T hey a re b ro w n le a th e r shoes o f a fo reig n m ake,
fo u rth floor h a ll is e m p ty as c h u r c h o n M o n d a y . w ith th ic k e le v a to r soles. A b o v e th e shoes a re b lack
I h a v e m y o w n k ey to o u r office; I c o m e in first silk socks th ro u g h w h ic h show s a p a llo r of flesh.
ev e ry m o rn in g , so t h a t ’s n o tro u b le . T he ty p e ­ I g et as fa r as th e g ra y p in strip e tro u se r cuffs.
w rite rs a re fo ld e d b a c k in to th e desks, th e locks are “ Tch, tch,” ch id es a n in fin itely g en tle voice fro m
o n th e d ia l p h o n e s, a ll’s r ig h t w ith th e w o rld . th e c lo u d y reg io n s ab o v e m y h e a d . “ S u ch a n u n ­
O u ts id e th e w in d o w th e la st of th e w in te r lig h t c o m fo rta b le p o sitio n ! Y o u r legs m u st be asleep
is fa d in g . Y e t I d o n o t fo rg et m y self a n d tu r n on th e b y now . L e t m e h e lp y o u u p . T h e su n w ill be risin g
o v e rh e a d b u lb . I d o n ’t w a n t to b e s p o tte d by a n y s h o rtly .”
h a w k -e y e d d o c to r o r j a n ito r in th e h o s p ita l b u ild ­ T w o h a n d s slip u n d e r m y a rm s fro m b eh in d , a n d
ing s across th e little c o u rty a rd . T h e c a b in e t w ith I a m raised , w o b b ly as a n u n se t c u s ta rd , to m y feet,
th e re c o rd boo k s is in th e w in d o w less p assag e o p e n ­ w h ic h I c a n n o t feel b ecau se m y legs are, in fact,
in g o n to th e d o c to r ’s cubicles, w h ic h h a v e w in d o w s asleep. T h e re c o rd b o o k slu m p s to th e floor,
o v e rlo o k in g th e c o u rty a rd . I m a k e su re th e do o rs pag es sp lay ed .
to all th e c u b ic le s a re sh u t. T h e n I sw 'itch on th e “ S ta n d still a m in u te .” T h e clin ic d ire c to r’s
p a ssa g e lig h t, a sallo w tw e n ty -fiv e -w a tt a ffa ir b la c k ­ voice fans th e lo b e of m y rig h t ea r. “ T h e n th e
e n in g a t th e to p . B e tte r th a n a n a lta rfu l of c a n d le s c irc u la tio n w ill re v iv e .”
to m e a t th is p o in t, th o u g h . I d id n ’t th in k to b rin g T h e b lood in m y n o t-th e re legs sta rts p in g in g
a sa n d w ic h . T h e re is an a p p le in m y desk d ra w e r u n d e r a m illio n sew ing m a c h in e needles, a n d a
left o v e r fro m lu n c h , so I reserv e th a t for w h a te v e r vision of th e clin ic d ire c to r a c id -e tc h es itself on m y
p a n g s I m a y feel a b o u t o n e o ’clo ck in th e m o rn in g , b ra in . I d o n ’t ev en n eed to look a ro u n d : th e fa t
a n d g e t o u t m y p o c k e t n o te b o o k . A t h o m e ev ery p o tb e lly b u tto n e d in to his g ra y p in s trip e w aistc o a t,
e v e n in g it is m y h a b it to te a r o u t th e n o te b o o k w o o d c h u c k te e th yellow a n d b u ck , ev ery -co lo r
p ag es I ’ve w ritte n on a t th e office d u r in g th e eyes b e h in d th e th ick -len sed glasses q u ic k as m in ­
d a y a n d pile th e m u p to b e co p ie d in m y m a n u ­ now s.
sc rip t. In th is w a y I co v er m y tra c k s so n o o n e id ly I c lu tc h m y n o teb o o k . T h e la st flo atin g tim b e r
p ic k in g u p m y n o te b o o k a t th e office c o u ld ev er o f th e Titanic.
guess th e ty p e o r sco p e of m y w ork. W h a t does he know , w h a t does h e know ?
I b eg in sy ste m a tic a lly b y o p e n in g th e o ld est book E v e ry th in g .
on th e b o tto m shelf. T h e o n c e -b lu e c o v e r is n o ­ “ I k n o w w h ere th e re is a nice h o t b o w l of ch ick en
co lo r now , th e p a g e s a re th u m b e d a n d b lu rry n o o d le so u p .” H is voice rustles, d u st u n d e r th e
c a rb o n s , b u t I ’m h u m m in g fro m foot to to p k n o t: b ed , m ice in th e straw . H is h a n d w elds o n to m y
th is d r e a m b o o k w as sp a n k in g n ew th e d a y I w as left u p p e r a rm in fa th e rly love. T h e re c o rd book of
b o rn . W h e n I re a lly get o rg a n iz e d I ’ll h a v e h o t all th e d re a m s g o in g o n in th e c ity of m y b irth a t
so u p in a th e rm o s for th e d e a d -o f-w in te r n ig h ts, m y first y aw p in this w o rld ’s a ir h e n u d g es u n d e r
tu rk e y pies, a n d c h o c o la te eclairs. I ’ll b rin g h a ir th e bookcase w ith a po lish ed toe.
c u rle rs a n d fo u r c h a n g e s of b lo u se to w o rk in m y W e m e e t n o b o d y in th e d a w n -d a rk h all. N o b o d y
b ig g e st h a n d b a g M o n d a y m o rn in g s so n o o n e w ill o n th e chill sto n e sta ir d o w n to th e b a se m e n t c o rri­
n o tic e m e g o in g d o w n h ill in looks a n d s ta r t su sp e c t­ d o rs w h e re J e r r y th e R e c o rd R o o m boy c rack ed
in g u n h a p p y love affairs o r p in k affiliatio n s o r m y his h e a d sk ip p in g steps o n e n ig h t on a ru sh e rra n d .
w o rk in g on d r e a m books in th e clin ic fo u r n ig h ts a I b e g in to d o u b le -q u ic k ste p so he w o n ’t th in k
w eek. it’s m e h e ’s h u stlin g . “ Y o u c a n ’t fire m e ,” I say
E lev en h o u rs la te r. I a m d o w n to a p p le co re a n d c alm ly . “ I q u it.”
seeds a n d in th e m o n th o f M a y , n in e te e n th irty - T h e clin ic d ire c to r’s la u g h w heezes u p fro m his
fo u r, w ith a p riv a te n urse w h o h a s j u s t o p e n e d a a c c o rd io n -p le a te d b o tto m g u t. “ W e m u s tn ’t lose
la u n d r y b a g in h e r p a tie n t’s clo set a n d fo u n d y o u so so o n .” H is w h isp e r snakes off d o w n th e
five sev ered h e a d s in it, in c lu d in g h e r m o th e r ’s. w h ite w a sh e d b a se m e n t passages, e c h o in g a m o n g

59
The Atlantic Monthly

th e elb o w pip es, th e w h e e lc h a irs a n d stre tc h e rs p e rh e a d -u g ly , fro m its co il o f e le c tric w ire s, th e

b e a c h e d for th e n ig h t a lo n g th e ste a m -s ta in e d w alls. la te st m o d e l in J o h n n y - P a n ic - K ille r s .
“ W h y , w e n e e d y o u m o re th a n y o u k n o w .” I g e t re a d y to d o d g e to o n e side. W h e n M iss
W e w in d a n d d o u b le , a n d m y legs keep tim e M ille ra v a g e g ra b s , h e r fa t h a n d co m e s a w a y a
w ith his u n til w e co m e, so m e w h e re in th o se b a r r e n fist full of n o th in g . S h e s ta rts fo r m e a g a in , h e r
r a t tu n n e ls, to a n a ll-n ig h t e le v a to r r u n by a o n e- sm ile h e a v y as d o g d a y s in A u g u st.
a rm e d N e g ro . W e g e t o n a n d th e d o o r g rin d s s h u t “ N o n e o f th a t. N o n e o f th a t. I 'l l h a v e t h a t little
like th e d o o r o n a c a ttle c a r a n d w e go u p a n d u p . b la c k b o o k .”
I t is a fre ig h t e le v a to r, c ru d e a n d c la n k y , a fa r cry F ast as I ru n a r o u n d th e h ig h w h ite c o t, M iss
fro m th e p lu sh o n e in th e C linics B u ild in g . M ille ra v a g e is so fa st y o u ’d th in k sh e w o re ro lle r
W e g e t off a t a n in d e te r m in a te floor. T h e clin ic skates. S h e g ra b s a n d g ets. A g a in s t h e r g r e a t b u lk
d ire c to r le a d s m e d o w n a b a r e c o rrid o r lit a t in te r ­ I b e a t m y fists, a n d a g a in s t h e r w h o p p in g m ilk less
vals b y so ck eted b u lb s in little w ire cages o n th e b re a sts, u n til h e r h a n d s o n m y w rists a re iro n h o o p s
ceiling. L o c k e d d o o rs set w ith s c re e n e d w in d o w s a n d h e r b r e a th h u s h a b y s m e w ith a lo v e -stin k
lin e th e h a ll o n e ith e r h a n d . I p la n to p a rt c o m ­ fo u le r th a n U n d e r ta k e r ’s B a se m e n t.
p a n y w ith th e c lin ic d ire c to r a t th e first re d e x it “ M y B ab y , m y o w n b a b y ’s c o m e b a c k to m e . . .”
sign, b u t o n o u r jo u r n e y th e r e a re n o n e . I a m in “ S h e ,” th e c lin ic d ir e c to r says, sa d a n d s te rn ,
alie n te r r ito r y , c o a t o n th e h a n g e r in th e office, “ h a s b e e n m a k in g tim e w ith J o h n n y P a n ic a g a in .”
h a n d b a g a n d m o n e y in m y to p d esk d ra w e r, n o te ­ “ N a u g h ty n a u g h ty .”
b o o k in m y h a n d , a n d o n ly J o h n n y P a n ic to w a r m T h e w h ite c o t is re a d y . W ith a te r r ib le g e n tle ­
m e a g a in s t th e Ic e A g e o u tsid e. ness M iss M ille ra v a g e ta k e s th e w a tc h fro m m y
A h e a d a lig h t g a th e rs , b rig h te n s. T h e c lin ic w rist, th e rin g s fro m m y fin g ers, th e h a ir p in s fro m
d ire c to r, p u ffin g slig h tly a t th e w alk , b risk a n d m y h a ir. S h e b e g in s to u n d re s s m e. W h e n I a m
lo n g , to w h ic h h e is o b v io u sly u n a c c u sto m e d , b a re , I a m a n o in te d o n th e te m p le s a n d r o b e d in
p ro p e ls m e a ro u n d a b e n d a n d in to a s q u a re , sheets v irg in a l as th e first sn o w . T h e n , fro m th e
b rillia n tly lit ro o m . fo u r c o rn e rs of th e r o o m a n d fro m th e d o o r b e h in d
“ H e re sh e is.” m e c o m e five false p rie sts in w h ite s u rg ic a l g o w n s
“ T h e little w itc h !” a n d m asks w hose o n e life w o rk is to u n s e a t J o h n n y
M iss M ille ra v a g e h oists h e r to n n a g e up fro m P a n ic fro m his o w n th ro n e . T h e y e x te n d m e fu ll-
b e h in d th e steel desk fa c in g th e d o o r. le n g th o n m y b a c k o n th e c o t. T h e c ro w n o f w ire
T h e w alls a n d th e c e ilin g of th e ro o m a re riv e te d is p la c e d o n m y h e a d , th e w a fe r o f fo rg e tfu ln e ss o n
m e ta l b a ttle s h ip p la te s. T h e r e a re n o w indow s. m y to n g u e . T h e m a s k e d p rie sts m o v e to th e ir
F ro m sm all, b a r r e d cells lin in g th e sides a n d b a c k posts a n d ta k e h o ld : o n e o f iu y le ft leg , o n e o f m y
of th e ro o m I see J o h n n y P a n ic ’s to p p riests s ta rin g rig h t, o n e of m y r ig h t a rm , o n e o f m y left. O n e
Out a t m e, a rm s s w a d d le d b e h in d th e ir b acks in th e b e h in d m y h e a d a t th e m e ta l b o x w h e re I c a n ’t see.
w h ite w a r d n ig h ts h irts , eyes r e d d e r th a n coals a n d F ro m th e ir c r a m p e d n ic h e s a lo n g th e w a ll, th e
h u n g ry -h o t. v o ta rie s raise th e ir vo ices in p ro te s t. T h e y b e g in
T h e y w e lc o m e m e w ith q u e e r c ro a k s a n d g ru n ts th e d e v o tio n a l c h a n t:
as if th e ir to n g u e s w e re lo c k e d in th e ir ja w s. T h e y
T h e o n ly th in g to lo v e is F e a r itself.
h a v e no d o u b t h e a r d of m y w o rk b y w a y of J o h n n y
L ove o f F e a r is th e b e g in n in g o f w isd o m .
P a n ic ’s g ra p e v in e a n d w a n t to k n o w how his T h e o n ly th in g to lo v e is F e a r itself.
apo stles th riv e in th e w o rld . M a y F e a r a n d F e a r a n d F e a r b e e v e ry w h e re .
I lift m y h a n d s to re a ssu re th e m , h o ld in g u p m y
n o te b o o k , m y voice lo u d as J o h n n y P a n ic ’s o rg a n T h e re is no tim e fo r M iss M ille ra v a g e o r th e
w ith all sto p s o u t. clin ic d ire c to r o r th e p rie sts to m u z z le th e m .
“ P eace! I b rin g to y o u . . .” T h e sig n al is g iv en .
T h e Book. T h e m a c h in e b e tra y s th e m .
“ N o n e of t h a t o ld stuff, sw e e tie ,” M iss M ille ra v ­ A t th e m o m e n t w h e n I th in k I a m m o s t lo st th e
ag e is d a n c in g o u t a t m e fro m b e h in d h e r desk like face of J o h n n y P a n ic a p p e a r s in a n im b u s o f a rc
a tric k e le p h a n t. lig h ts on th e c e ilin g o v e rh e a d . I a m s h a k e n lik e a
T h e c lin ic d ire c to r closes th e d o o r to th e ro o m . le a f in th e te e th o f g lo ry . H is b e a r d is lig h tn in g .
T h e m in u te M iss M ille ra v a g e m o v es I n o tic e L ig h tn in g is in h is eye. H is W o rd c h a rg e s a n d
w h a t h e r h u lk h as b e e n h id in g fro m view b e h in d illu m es th e u n iv erse.
th e desk — a w h ite c o t h ig h as a m a n ’s w aist w ith T h e a ir c rack les w ith th e b lu e -to n g u e d , lig h tn in g -
a single sh e e t s tre tc h e d o v e r th e m a ttre ss, spotless h a lo e d angels.
a n d d ru m s k in tig h t. A t th e h e a d of th e c o t is a H is love is th e tw e n ty -s to ry le a p , th e r o p e a t th e
ta b le o n w h ic h sits a m e ta l b o x c o v e re d w ith dials th r o a t, th e k n ife a t th e h e a r t.
a n d gau g es. T h e b o x seem s to b e e y e in g m e, c o p ­ H e fo rg ets n o t h is o w n .

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