Twelfth Night

PROLOGUE
FESTE begins and Ensemble Sings…
When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man's estate,
With hey, ho, & c.
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain, & c.
But when I came, alas! to wive,
With hey, ho, & c.
By swaggering could I never thrive,
For the rain, & c.
But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, & c.
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
For the rain, & c.
A great while ago the world begun,
With hey, ho, & c.
But that's all one, our play’s begun,
And we'll strive to please you in every way.

SCENE I&II The sea-coast. INTERCUT with ORSINO’s Palace. Sounds of

Great sea storm…lights rise on survivors…washed up on shore. Enter VIOLA, a
Captain, and Sailors

VIOLA
What country, friends, is this?
Captain
This is Illyria, lady.
VIOLA
And what should I do in Illyria?
My brother he is in Elysium.
Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, captain?
Captain
It is perchance that you yourself were saved.
VIOLA
O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
CAPTAIN
True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,
Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
When you and those poor number saved with you
Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,
Most provident in peril, bind himself,

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Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,
To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;
Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,
I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves
So long as I could see.
VIOLA
Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,
The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
Captain
Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born
Not three hours' travel from this very place.
VIOLA
Who governs here?
Captain
A noble duke, in nature as in name.
VIOLA
What is the name?
Captain
Orsino.

(IN another light DUKE ORSINO with musician playing)

DUKE ORSINO
If music be the food of love, play on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That strain again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement and low price,
Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical.
VIOLA
Orsino! I have heard my father name him:
He was a bachelor then.
Captain
And so is now, or was so very late;
For but a month ago I went from hence,
And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know,

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What great ones do the less will prattle of,--
That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.
VIOLA
What's she?
(Enter Olivia and her household train in mourning clothes to prayers)
Captain
A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count
That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her
In the protection of his son, her brother,
Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,
They say, she hath for seven years abjured
The company and sight of men.
VIOLA
O that I served that lady
And might not be delivered to the world,
Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,
What my estate is!
Captain
That were hard to compass;
Because she will admit no kind of suit,
No, not the duke's.
(Again a separate light. ORSINO)

O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame

To pay this debt of love but to a brother,
How will she love, when the rich golden shaft
Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else
That live in her; when liver, brain and heart,
These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd
Her sweet perfections with one self king!
VIOLA
I'll serve this duke:
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid.
Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:
It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing
And speak to him in many sorts of music
That will allow me very worth his service.
What else may hap to time I will commit;
Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.
Captain
Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:
When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.
VIOLA
I thank thee: lead me on. Exeunt

SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

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SIR TOBY BELCH
What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
exceptions to your ill hours.
You must confine yourself within the modest
limits of order.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
these boots too.
MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
Ay, he and they that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, wench!
SIR ANDREW
Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface. Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
How now, Sir Toby Belch!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA
And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW
What's that?
SIR TOBY BELCH
My niece's chambermaid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.

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SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen. Exit laughing
SIR TOBY BELCH
O knight,- thou lackest a cup of canary.
SIR ANDREW
Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No question.

SIR ANDREW
An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
to-morrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Pourquoi, my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
followed the arts! Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby:
your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
man.
SIR ANDREW
I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
and revels sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
SIR ANDREW

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As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
these gifts a curtain before 'em? What
dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY BELCH
What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus! That's sides and heart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent! Exeunt

SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter ORSINO-FENCING--VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire

VALENTINE
If the duke continue these favours towards you,
Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath
known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
VIOLA
You either fear his humour or my negligence, that
you call in question the continuance of his love:
is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
DUKE ORSINO
Who saw Cesario, ho?
VIOLA
On your attendance, my lord; here.
DUKE ORSINO
Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
To thee the book even of my secret soul:
Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
Till thou have audience.
VIOLA

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Sure, my noble lord,
If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
DUKE ORSINO
Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
Rather than make unprofited return.
VIOLA
Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
DUKE ORSINO
O, then unfold the passion of my love,
Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:
It shall become thee well to act my woes;
She will attend it better in thy youth
Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
VIOLA
I think not so, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Dear lad, believe it;
For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
And all is semblative a woman's part.
I know thy constellation is right apt
For this affair.
VIOLA
I'll do my best
To woo your lady: Aside
yet, a barful strife!
Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife. Exeunt

SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house. Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA
Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
way of thy excuse: my lady will hang you for being so long absent.
Clown
Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.
MARIA
Peace, you rogue, no more o' that.
CLOWN
Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking,
thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
MARIA
Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely;
you were best look to your wits. Exit

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Clown
Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.' Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
God bless thee, lady!
OLIVIA
Take the fool away.
Clown
Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA
Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
besides, you grow dishonest.
Clown
Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
he cannot, let the tailor mend him. The lady bade take
away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
OLIVIA
Sir, I bade them take away you.
Clown
Misprision in the highest degree Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.
OLIVIA
Can you do it?
Clown
Dexterously, good madonna.
OLIVIA
Make your proof.
Clown
I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
of virtue, answer me.
OLIVIA
Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
Clown
Good madonna, why mournest thou?
OLIVIA
Good fool, for my brother's death.
Clown
I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
OLIVIA
I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
Clown
The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
OLIVIA

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What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
MALVOLIO
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
better fool. I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
barren rascal.
OLIVIA
Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
with a distempered appetite. There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
man, though he do nothing but reprove.
Clown
Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
speakest well of fools! Enter Fabian
FABIAN
Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
desires to speak with you.
OLIVIA
From the Count Orsino, is it?
FABIAN
I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man.
OLIVIA
Who of my people hold him in delay?
FABIAN
Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
OLIVIA
Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
madman: fie on him! Exit MARIA and FABIAN
Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. Exit MALVOLIO
Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
people dislike it.
Clown
Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
most weak pia mater.Enter SIR TOBY BELCH WITH MARIA
OLIVIA
By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
SIR TOBY BELCH
A gentleman.
OLIVIA
A gentleman! what gentleman?
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
pickle-herring! How now, sot!

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Clown
Good Sir Toby!
OLIVIA
Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
OLIVIA
Ay, marry, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
me faith, say I. Well, it's all one. Exit
OLIVIA
What's a drunken man like, fool?
Clown
Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one
draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
him; and a third drowns him.
OLIVIA
Go thou and look after him; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
drowned: go.
Clown
He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
to the madman. Exit Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
lady? He's fortified against any denial.
OLIVIA
Tell him he shall not speak with me.
MALVOLIO
Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
door till he'll speak with you.
OLIVIA
What kind o' man is he?
MALVOLIO
Why, of mankind.
OLIVIA
What manner of man?
MALVOLIO
Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
OLIVIA
Of what personage and years is he?

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MALVOLIO
Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for
a boy; He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one
would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
OLIVIA
Let him approach.
Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy. Enter VIOLA
VIOLA
The honourable lady of the house, which is she?
OLIVIA
Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
Your will?
VIOLA
Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I
pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
for I never saw her.
OLIVIA
Are you a comedian?
VIOLA
No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
of malice I swear, I am not that I play.
.
OLIVIA
I heard you were saucy at my gates,
and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you
than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if
you have reason, be brief:
MARIA
Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
VIOLA
No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady?
OLIVIA
Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
VIOLA
The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
divinity, to any other's, profanation.
OLIVIA
Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity. Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
Now, sir, what is your text?
VIOLA
Most sweet lady,--

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OLIVIA
A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
Where lies your text?
VIOLA
In Orsino's bosom.
OLIVIA
In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
VIOLA
To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
OLIVIA
O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
VIOLA
Good madam, let me see your face.
OLIVIA
Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate
with my face? You are now out of your text: but
we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.
Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't
not well done? Unveiling
VIOLA
Excellently done, if God did all.
OLIVIA
'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
VIOLA
'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
If you will lead these graces to the grave
And leave the world no copy.
OLIVIA
O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give
out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be
inventoried, and every particle and utensil
labelled to my will. Were you sent hither to praise me?
VIOLA
I see you what you are, you are too proud;
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
My lord and master loves you: O, such love
Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
The nonpareil of beauty!
OLIVIA
How does he love me?
VIOLA
With adorations, fertile tears,
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
OLIVIA

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Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
He might have took his answer long ago.
VIOLA
If I did love you in my master's flame,
With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
In your denial I would find no sense;
I would not understand it.
OLIVIA
Why, what would you?
VIOLA
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me!

OLIVIA
You might do much.
What is your parentage?
VIOLA
Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
I am a gentleman.
OLIVIA
Get you to your lord;
I cannot love him: let him send no more;
Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
VIOLA
I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
And let your fervor, like my master's, be
Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty. Exit
OLIVIA
How now!
Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
With an invisible and subtle stealth

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To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
What ho, Malvolio! Re-enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Here, madam, at your service.
OLIVIA
Run after that same peevish messenger,
The county's man: he left this ring behind him,
Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.
Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, run,Malvolio.
MALVOLIO
Madam, I will. Exit
OLIVIA
I do I know not what, and fear to find
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
What is decreed must be, and be this so. Exit

SCENE VI. The sea-coast. Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN

ANTONIO
Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?
SEBASTIAN
By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over
me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps
distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your
leave that I may bear my evils alone.
ANTONIO:
Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.
SEBASTIAN
Antonio, ---my name is Sebastian,
which I called Roderigo. My father was that
Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard
of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both
born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased,
would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that;
for some hour before you saved me from the breach of
the sea was my sister drowned.
ANTONIO
Alas the day!
SEBASTIAN
A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled
me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: yet thus far I will boldly
publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but

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call fair. Viola;--my sister is drowned already, sir, with salt
water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.
ANTONIO
Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.
SEBASTIAN
O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble. It were a bad
recompense for your love, to lay my burdens on you.
I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
ANTONIO
I have many enemies in Orsino's court,
Else would I very shortly see thee there.
The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!
But, come what may, I do adore thee so,
That danger shall seem sport, and I will go. Exit

SCENE VII. A street. Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following

MALVOLIO
Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia?
VIOLA
Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since
arrived but hither.
MALVOLIO
She returns this ring to you, sir: you might have
saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself.
She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord
into a desperate assurance she will none of him:
and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to
come again in his affairs, unless it be to report
your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.
VIOLA
She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.
MALVOLIO
Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her
will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth
stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be
it his that finds it.Exit

VIOLA
I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
She made good view of me; indeed, so much,
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.

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None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.
I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
How easy is it for the proper-false
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
For such as we are made of, such we be.
How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;
And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
What will become of this? As I am man,
My state is desperate for my master's love;
As I am woman,--now alas the day!--
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!
O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie! Exit

SCENE VIII. OLIVIA's house. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
surgere,' thou know'st,--
SIR ANDREW
Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
late is to be up late.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
to bed betimes Enter Clown
SIR ANDREW
Here comes the fool, i' faith.
Clown
How now, my hearts!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.
Clown
Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

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SIR TOBY BELCH
A love-song, a love-song.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, ay: I care not for good life.
Clown[Sings]
O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
That can sing both high and low:
Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know.
SIR ANDREW
Excellent good, i' faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good, good.
Clown[Sings]
What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
Present mirth hath present laughter;
What's to come is still unsure:
In delay there lies no plenty;
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
Youth's a stuff will not endure.
SIR ANDREW
A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
SIR TOBY BELCH
A contagious breath.
SIR ANDREW
Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we
rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three
souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?
SIR ANDREW
An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.
Clown
By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
SIR ANDREW
Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'
Clown
'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be
constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.
SIR ANDREW
'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to
call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'
Clown

17
I shall never begin if I hold my peace.
SIR ANDREW
Good, i' faith. Come, begin. Catch sung Enter MARIA
MARIA
What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
turn you out of doors, never trust me.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Am not I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
Tillyvally. Lady! Sings'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
Clown
Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do
I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
more natural.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--
MARIA
For the love o' God, peace! Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye
no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
alehouse of my lady's house. Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
time in you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
MALVOLIO
Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
you farewell.
SIR TOBY BELCH
'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
MARIA
Nay, good Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
MALVOLIO

18
Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
thing more than contempt, you would not give means
for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand. Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, sir, rub your chain with
crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
MARIA
Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
MARIA
Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
SIR ANDREW
O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,
dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
good enough.
MARIA
The devil a puritan that he is, or anything
constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
notable cause to work.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What wilt thou do?
MARIA
I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
love; wherein, by the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
can hardly make distinction of our hands.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent! I smell a device.
SIR ANDREW
I have't in my nose too.

19
SIR TOBY BELCH
He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
that they come from my niece, and that she's in
love with him.
MARIA
My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
SIR ANDREW
And your horse now would make him an ass.
MARIA
Ass, I doubt not.
SIR ANDREW
O, 'twill be admirable!
MARIA
Sport royal, I warrant you. I will plant you two, and let the
fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
observe his construction of it. For this night, to
bed, and dream on the event. Farewell. Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW
Before me, she's a good wench.
SIR TOBY BELCH
She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:
what o' that?
SIR ANDREW
I was adored once too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
more money.
SIR ANDREW
If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'
the end, call me cut.
SIR ANDREW
If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight. Exeunt

SCENE IX. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others

DUKE ORSINO
Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.
(music plays) Cesario…

20
Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,
In the sweet pangs of it remember me;
For such as I am all true lovers are,
Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,
Save in the constant image of the creature
That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?
VIOLA
It gives a very echo to the seat
Where Love is throned.
DUKE ORSINO
Thou dost speak masterly:
My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye
Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:
Hath it not, boy?
VIOLA
A little, by your favour.
DUKE ORSINO
What kind of woman is't?
VIOLA
Of your complexion.
DUKE ORSINO
She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?
VIOLA
About your years, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Too old by heaven: let still the woman take
An elder than herself: so wears she to him,
So sways she level in her husband's heart:
For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,
Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,
More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,
Than women's are.
VIOLA
I think it well, my lord.
DUKE ORSINO
Then let thy love be younger than thyself,
Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;
For women are as roses, whose fair flower
Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.
VIOLA
And so they are: alas, that they are so;
To die, even when they to perfection grow!
DUKE ORSINO
There's for thy pains.
Clown
No pains, sir: I take pleasure in playing, sir.

21
DUKE ORSINO
I'll pay thy pleasure then.
Clown
Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.
Farewell. Exit
DUKE ORSINO
Let all the rest give place. CURIO and Attendants retire
Once more, Cesario,
Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty:
Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,
Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;
The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her,
Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;
But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems
That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.
VIOLA
But if she cannot love you, sir?
DUKE ORSINO
I cannot be so answer'd.
VIOLA
Sooth, but you must.
Say that some lady, as perhaps there is,
Hath for your love a great a pang of heart
As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;
You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?
DUKE ORSINO
There is no woman's sides
Can bide the beating of so strong a passion
As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart
So big, to hold so much; they lack retention
Alas, their love may be call'd appetite,
But mine is all as hungry as the sea,
And can digest as much: make no compare
Between that love a woman can bear me
And that I owe Olivia.
VIOLA
Ay, but I know--
DUKE ORSINO
What dost thou know?
VIOLA
Too well what love women to men may owe:
In faith, they are as true of heart as we.
My father had a daughter loved a man,
As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,
I should your lordship.
DUKE ORSINO

22
And what's her history?
VIOLA
A blank, my lord. She never told her love,
But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,
Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,
And with a green and yellow melancholy
She sat like patience on a monument,
Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?
We men may say more, swear more: but indeed
Our shows are more than will; for still we prove
Much in our vows, but little in our love.
DUKE ORSINO
But died thy sister of her love, my boy?
VIOLA
I am all the daughters of my father's house,
And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.
Sir, shall I to this lady?

DUKE ORSINO
Ay, that's the theme.
To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,
My love can give no place, bide no denay. Exeunt

SCENE X. A street. Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO

ANTONIO
Would you'ld pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the duke, his galleys
I did some service; of such note indeed,
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.
SEBASTIAN
Belike you slew great number of his people.
ANTONIO
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
SEBASTIAN
Do not then walk too open.
ANTONIO
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
SEBASTIAN

23
Why I your purse?
ANTONIO
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
SEBASTIAN
I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you
For an hour.
ANTONIO
To the Elephant.
SEBASTIAN
I do remember. Exeunt

SCENE XI. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FESTE

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain. Enter MARIA
How now, my metal of India!
MARIA
Malvolio's coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half
hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I
know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there. Throws down a letter, Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told
me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
exalted respect than anyone else that follows her.
What should I think on't?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here's an overweening rogue!
FESTE
O, peace!!
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO
To be Count Malvolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW

24
Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, peace!
FESTE
O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how
imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO Having been three months married to her, sitting in
my state,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO
Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet
gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left
Olivia sleeping,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fire and brimstone!
FESTE
O, peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
I frown the while; and perchance wind
my watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
approaches; courtesies there to me,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall this fellow live?
SIR ANDREW
S’blood! Hit him with a stone!
MALVOLIO
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar
smile with an austere regard of control,--
Saying, 'Cousin Toby,'You must amend your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
FESTE
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO
'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
a foolish knight,'--
SIR ANDREW
That's me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO
'One Sir Andrew,'--
SIR ANDREW
I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO
What employment have we here? Taking up the letter

25
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading
aloud to him!
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
very C's, her U's an’ T's and thus makes she her
great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's an’ T's: why that?
MALVOLIO
[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
FESTE
This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO
[Reads]
Jove knows I love: But who?
Lips, do not move;
No man must know.
'No man must know.' What follows? if this should be
thee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO[Reads]
I may command where I adore;
But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
FESTE
A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO
'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let
me see, let me see, let me see.
FESTE
What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
MALVOLIO
'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command
me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is
evident to any formal capacity; there is no
obstruction in this: and the end,--what should
that alphabetical position portend? If I could make
that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,I,--

26
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
MALVOLIO
M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;
that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.
FESTE
And O shall end, I hope.
SIR ANDREW
I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
SIR TOBY
Peace! Peace!
MALVOLIO
M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!
here follows prose. Reads
'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
their hands,cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be
opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let
thy tongue tang arguments of state; She thus advises thee
that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
made, if thou desirest to be so! Farewell.
She that would alter services with thee,
THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade
me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady
loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and
cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
postscript. ReadsThou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;
thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
everything that thou wilt have me. Exit

27
SIR TOBY BELCH
I could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW
So could I too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
SIR ANDREW
Nor I neither.
FESTE
Here comes my noble gull-catcher. Re-enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when
the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark
his first approach before my lady: he will come to
her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she
abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
and he will smile upon her, which will now be so
unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him
into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW
I'll make one too. (Exeunt—Andrew stops on seeing Olivia enter)

Scene XII
SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden. Enter Fabian, working then VIOLA with OLIVIA
OLIVIA (seeing Andrew Above…) Good, master Fabian.
Let the garden door be shut and leave me to my hearing.
OLIVIA
Give me your hand, sir.
VIOLA
My duty, madam, and most humble service.
(Andrew exit)
What is your name?
VIOLA
Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess
Dear lady,--
OLIVIA
Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,
After the last enchantment you did here,
A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse
Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:

28
Under your hard construction must I sit,
To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,
Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?
VIOLA
Madam,--I pity you.
OLIVIA
That's a degree to love.
VIOLA
No, not a jot; for 'tis a vulgar proof,
That very oft we pity enemies.
OLIVIA Clock strikes
The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.
I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.
VIOLA
That you do think you are not what you are.
OLIVIA
If I think so, I think the same of you.
VIOLA
Then think you right: I am not what I am.
OLIVIA
I would you were as I would have you be!

VIOLA
Would it be better, madam, than I am?
I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
OLIVIA
A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth and everything,
I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
VIOLA
By innocence I swear, and by my youth
I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,
And that no woman has; nor never none
Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
And so adieu, good madam: never more
Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
OLIVIA
Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love. Exeunt

SCENE XIII. OLIVIA's house/garden. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH,ANDREW,FABIAN

SIR ANDREW

29
No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
I saw't i' the orchard.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
SIR ANDREW
As plain as I see you now.
SIR TOBY
This was a great argument of love in her toward you.
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?
SIR TOBY
She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. What say you, master Fabian?
FABIAN
Aye, you should then have accosted her; and with some
excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
looked for at your hand, and this was balked: unless you do redeem it by
some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
SIR ANDREW
An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
commendation with woman than report of valour.
FABIAN
There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
SIR ANDREW
Will you bear me a challenge to him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full
of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
SIR ANDREW
Where shall I find you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
At the cubiculo: go. Exit SIR ANDREW

30
SIR TOBY BELCH
I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together.
For Andrew, if he were opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
the anatomy. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no
great presage of cruelty. Enter MARIA
Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
MARIA
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
into stitches, take cover. Yond gull Malvolio is
turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
Christian, that means to be saved by believing
rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And cross-gartered?
MARIA
Most villanously; He does obey every point of the letter
that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
face into more lines than is in the new map of the Indies: you have not seen such
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
OLIVIA (entering)
I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
Cesario! --I speak too loud.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
is, sure, possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what's the matter? does he rave?
MARIA
No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
OLIVIA
I am as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be. Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady!
OLIVIA

31
How now, Malvolio!
MALVOLIO
YES… ho, ho.
OLIVIA
Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
please all.'
OLIVIA
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
did come to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.

OLIVIA
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
thy hand so oft?
MARIA
How do you, Malvolio?
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO
'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
OLIVIA
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
'Some are born great,'--
OLIVIA
Ha!
MALVOLIO
'Some achieve greatness,'--
OLIVIA
What sayest thou?
MALVOLIO
'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
OLIVIA
Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO

32
'Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,'--
OLIVIA
Thy yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO
'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO
'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--
OLIVIA
Am I made?
MALVOLIO
'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness. Enter Servant
FESTE
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
attends your ladyship's pleasure.
OLIVIA
I'll come to him.
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
care of him. Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA
MALVOLIO
O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
the letter!
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FESTE
SIR TOBY BELCH
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
FESTE
Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
MALVOLIO
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go off.
MARIA
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO
Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how

33
is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you say?
MARIA
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
FABIAN
Carry his water to the wise woman.
MARIA
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO
How now, mistress!
MARIA
O Lord!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do
you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
FESTE
No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is
rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO
Sir!
MARIA
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
My prayers, minx!
MARIA
No, I warrant you, the devil will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
things: I am not of your element: you shall know
more hereafter. Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is't possible?
FABIAN
If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY BELCH
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FESTE

34
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA
The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
us to have mercy on him. Exit MARIA AND FESTE
But see, but see. Enter SIR ANDREW
FABIAN
More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW
Here's the challenge, read it: I warrant there's
vinegar and pepper in't.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Is’t so Saucy!? Give me. Reads
'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN
Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

FABIAN
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
'I will waylay thee going home; where if it
be thy chance to kill me,'--
FABIAN AND SIR TOBY
Good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN
Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
I'll give't him.

35
FABIAN
You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the
orchard : so soon as ever thou seest
him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for
it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood
more approbation than ever proof itself would have
earned him. Away!
SIR ANDREW
Nay, let me alone for swearing. Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
Now will not I deliver his letter: for this
letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no
terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
clodpole. But, I will deliver his challenge by
word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report
of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous
opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
This will so fright them both that they will kill
one another by the look, like cockatrices. Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA
FABIAN
Here he comes with your niece: give them way till
he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will meditate the while upon some horrid message
for a challenge. Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
OLIVIA
I have said too much unto a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary out--
VIOLA
With the same 'havior that your passion bears
Goes on my master's grief.
OLIVIA
Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
That honour saved may upon asking give?
VIOLA
Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
OLIVIA
How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?

36
VIOLA
I will acquit you.
OLIVIA
I will send today again: so fare thee well:
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell. Exit Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH
SIR TOBY BELCH
Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA
And you, sir.
SIR TOBY BELCH
That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what
nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end.
VIOLA
You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel
to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from
any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
if you hold your life at any price, betake you to
your guard; for your opposite hath in him what
youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
VIOLA
I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY BELCH
He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on
carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and
his incensement at this moment is so implacable,
that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death
and sepulchre.
VIOLA
I will return again into the house and desire some
conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
of that quirk.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a
very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
give him his desire. Back you shall not to the
house, unless you undertake that with me which with
as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,
or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

37
VIOLA
This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
my offence to him is: it is something of my
negligence, nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I will do so. Stay you here till my return. Exit
VIOLA
Pray you, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN
I know the knight is incensed against you, but nothing of the circumstance more.
VIOLA
I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by
his form, as you are like to find him in the proof
of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,
bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk
towards him? I will make your peace with him if I
can.
VIOLA
I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that
had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
care not who knows so much of my mettle. Exeunt
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a
firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and
all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal
motion, that it is inevitable
SIR ANDREW
Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ay, but he will not now be pacified!
SIR ANDREW
Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so
cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld
have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show
on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.Aside
Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you. Re-enter Fabian and VIOLA (to Fabian)
I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

38
FABIAN
He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and
looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY BELCH
[To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA
[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
FABIAN
Give ground, if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman
will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you; but he has
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
SIR ANDREW
Pray God, he keep his oath!
VIOLA
I do assure you, 'tis against my will. They draw Enter ANTONIO
ANTONIO
Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY BELCH
You, sir! why, what are you?
ANTONIO
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you. They draw Enter Officers
FABIAN
O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I'll be with you anon.
VIOLA
Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,
I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily
and reins well.
First Officer
This is the man; do thy office.

39
Second Officer
Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO
You do mistake me, sir.
First Officer
No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO
I must obey. To VIOLA
This comes with seeking you:
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
Second Officer
Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO
I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA What money, sir?
ANTONIO
Will you deny me now?
Is't possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
VIOLA
I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature--
ANTONIO
O heavens themselves!
Second Officer
Come, sir, I pray you, go.
ANTONIO
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
First Officer
What's that to us? The time goes by: away!
ANTONIO

40
But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
First Officer
The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO
Lead me on. Exit with Officers
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come hither, knight; come hither,: we'll
whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
VIOLA
He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament;
Prove true, imagination, O prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now tane for you. Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH
A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than
a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
friend here in necessity and denying him.
SIR ANDREW
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it. 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
SIR ANDREW
An I do not,-- (exits at a run)
SIR TOBY BELCH
I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet. Exeunt
Scene XIV Before OLIVIA's house. Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown
Clown
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
SEBASTIAN
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow!
I have followed thus far in wonder, but
Thou know'st not me.
Clown
Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor
I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come
speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;
nor this is not my nose neither.
SEBASTIAN
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else.
Clown
Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some
great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my
folly! I prithee now, ungird thy

41
strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my
lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN
There's money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give
worse payment. (EXIT FESTE--Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH)
SIR ANDREW
Now, sir, have I met you again? There's for you.
SEBASTIAN
Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all
the people mad?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
Come on, sir; hold.
SIR ANDREW
Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work
with him; I'll have an action of battery against
him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I
struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN
Let go thy hand.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, sir, I will not let you go.
SEBASTIAN
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If
thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two
of this malapert blood from you. Enter OLIVIA
OLIVIA
Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Madam!
OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne'er were preach'd! Out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone! Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:

42
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will.
OLIVIA
O, say so, and so be Exeunt

SCENE XV. OLIVIA's house.Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. Exit

Clown
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
in't; and I would I were the first that ever
dissembled in such a gown.
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
MALVOLIO
[Within] Who calls there?
Clown
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
the lunatic.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. (Enter TOBY and MARIA)
Clown
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
here in hideous darkness.
Clown
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! Sayest thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.

43
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
Clown
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Clown
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Clown
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
gown: he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
sport to the upshot. (to Maria) Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
Clown Singing]
'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'
MALVOLIO
Good fool, Good Fool, I say!---as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.

44
Clown
Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.
Clown
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Clown
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
better in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Clown
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I shall be
shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Clown
Well-a-day that you were, sir
MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
of letter did.
Clown
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Clown
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
prithee, be gone.
Clown [Singing]
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I'll be with you again,
Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, good man devil. Exit

45
SCENE XVI. OLIVIA's garden. Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;
And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant:
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad
Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing
As I perceive she does: there's something in't
That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes. Enter OLIVIA and Priest
OLIVIA
Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by: there, before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN
I'll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA
Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine! Exeunt

SCENE XVII. Before OLIVIA's house. Enter Clown and MARIA

MARIA
Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
Clown
Good Mistress Mary, grant me another request.
MARIA
Anything.
Clown

46
Do not desire to see this letter. Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords
DUKE ORSINO
Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
Clown
Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings. (EXIT MARIA)
DUKE ORSINO
I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?
Clown
Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse
for my friends.

DUKE ORSINO
Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.
Clown
No, sir, the worse.
DUKE ORSINO
How can that be?
Clown
Marry, sir, my friends praise me and make an ass of me;
now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by
my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,
and by my friends, I am abused: so then, the worse for
my friends and the better for my foes.
DUKE ORSINO
Why, this is excellent.
Clown
By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be
one of my friends.
DUKE ORSINO
Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.
If you will let your lady know I am here to speak
with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake
my bounty further.
Clown
Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
again, let your bounty take a nap, I
will awake it anon. Exit

First Officer
Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.
VIOLA

47
He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
I know not what 'twas but distraction.
DUKE ORSINO
Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?
ANTONIO
Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.
VIOLA
How can this be?
DUKE ORSINO
When came he to this town?
ANTONIO
To-day, my lord; and for three months before,
No interim, not a minute's vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company. Enter OLIVIA and Attendants
DUKE ORSINO
Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.
OLIVIA

48
What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
VIOLA
Madam!
DUKE ORSINO
Gracious Olivia,--
OLIVIA
What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,--
VIOLA
My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
OLIVIA
If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.
DUKE ORSINO
Still so cruel?
OLIVIA
Still so constant, lord.
DUKE ORSINO
What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out
That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?
OLIVIA
Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.
DUKE ORSINO
Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove.
VIOLA
And I, most jocund, apt and willingly,
To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
OLIVIA

49
Where goes Cesario?
Cesario, husband, stay.
DUKE ORSINO
Husband!

OLIVIA
Ay, husband: can he that deny?
DUKE ORSINO
Her husband, sirrah!
VIOLA
No, my lord, not I.
OLIVIA
Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
Fear not, Cesario; Husband, take thy fortunes up;
Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
As great as that thou fear'st.
DUKE ORSINO
O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
When time hath sew'd a grizzle on thy case?
Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
VIOLA
My lord, I do protest--
OLIVIA
O, do not swear!
Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear. Enter SIR ANDREW
SIR ANDREW
For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently
to Sir Toby.
OLIVIA
What's the matter?
SIR ANDREW
He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby
a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your
help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
OLIVIA
Who has done this, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for
a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.
DUKE ORSINO
My gentleman, Cesario?
SIR ANDREW

50
'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
by Sir Toby.
VIOLA
Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.
SIR ANDREW
If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I
think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN
Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:
but if he had not been in drink, he would have
tickled you othergates than he did.
DUKE ORSINO
How now, gentleman! how is't with you?
SIR TOBY BELCH
That's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end
on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
OLIVIA
Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?
SIR ANDREW
I'll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll be dressed together.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a
knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull! Enter SEBASTIAN
SEBASTIAN
I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:
But, had it been the brother of my blood,
I must have done no less with wit and safety.
You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
I do perceive it hath offended you:
Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
We made each other but so late ago.
DUKE ORSINO
One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,
A natural perspective, that is and is not!
ANTONIO
Sebastian are you?
SEBASTIAN
Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
How have the hours rack'd and tortured me,
Since I have lost thee!
ANTONIO How have you made division of yourself?
An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
OLIVIA

51
Most wonderful!
SEBASTIAN
Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
Nor can there be that deity in my nature,
Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd.
Of charity, what kin are you to me?
What countryman? what name? what parentage?
VIOLA
Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
Such a Sebastian was my brother too,
So went he suited to his watery tomb:
If spirits can assume both form and suit
You come to fright us.
SEBASTIAN
A spirit I am indeed;
But am in that dimension grossly clad
Which from the womb I did participate.
Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'
VIOLA
My father had a mole upon his brow.
SEBASTIAN
And so had mine.
VIOLA
And died that day when Viola from her birth
Had number'd thirteen years.
SEBASTIAN
O, that record is lively in my soul!
He finished indeed his mortal act
That day that made my sister thirteen years.
VIOLA
If nothing lets to make us happy both
But this my masculine usurp'd attire,
Do not embrace me till each circumstance
Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
That I am Viola…
SEBASTIAN
[To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:
But nature to her bias drew in that.
You would have been contracted to a maid;
Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived,
You are betroth'd both to a maid and man.
DUKE ORSINO

52
Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.
If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
I shall have share in this most happy wreck. To VIOLA
Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

VIOLA
And all those sayings will I overswear;
And those swearings keep as true as soul.
DUKE ORSINO
Give me thy hand;
And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.
VIOLA
The captain that did bring me first on shore
Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action
Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,
A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.
OLIVIA He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:
And yet, alas, now I remember me,
They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract. Re-enter Clown with a letter, and MARIA
A most extracting frenzy of mine own
From my remembrance clearly banish'd his.
How does he, sirrah?
Clown (delivers her the letter)
Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as
well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a
letter to you; I should have given't you to-day
morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,
so it skills not much when they are delivered.
OLIVIA
See him deliver'd; bring him hither.
My lord so please you, these things further
thought on,
To think me as well a sister as a wife,
One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,
Here at my house and at my proper cost.
DUKE ORSINO
Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.To VIOLA
Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
So much against the mettle of your sex,
So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
And since you call'd me master for so long,
Here is my hand: you shall from this time be
Your master's mistress.
OLIVIA

53
A sister! you are she. Re-enterMALVOLIO FOLLOWED BY MARIA/TOBY
MALVOLIO
Madam, you have done me wrong,
Notorious wrong!
OLIVIA
Have I, Malvolio? no.

MALVOLIO
Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.
You must not now deny it is your hand:
Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:
You can say none of this: well, grant it then
And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you,
To put on yellow stockings and to frown
Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;
And, acting this in an obedient hope,
Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,
And made the most notorious geck and gull
That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.
OLIVIA
Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
Though, I confess, much like the character
But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.
And now I do bethink me, it was she
First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,
And in such forms which here were presupposed
Upon thee in the letter.
MARIA
Good madam, hear me speak,
And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
Taint the condition of this present hour,
Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,
Most freely I confess, myself and Sir Toby
Set this device against Malvolio here,
Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
We had conceived against him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Sweet Lady, Dearest Cousin, Cuz…
Maria writ the letter only at my great importance.
And in recompense have I this day
Taken in marriage, Mistress Mary’s hand.
How in sportful malice this game was follow'd,
May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;

54
If that the injuries be justly weigh'd
That have on both sides pass'd.
OLIVIA
Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
Clown
Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,
and some have greatness thrust upon them.
'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'
But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such
a barren rascal? and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
MALVOLIO
I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you. Exit
OLIVIA
He hath been most notoriously abused.
DUKE ORSINO
Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:
He hath not told us of the captain yet:
When that is known and golden time convents,
A solemn combination shall be made
Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,
We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
For so you shall be, while you are a man;
But when in other habits you are seen,
Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.
FESTE begins and Ensemble Sings…
When that I was and a little tiny boy,
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
A foolish thing was but a toy,
For the rain it raineth every day.
But when I came to man's estate,
With hey, ho, & c.
'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
For the rain, & c.
But when I came, alas! to wive,
With hey, ho, & c.
By swaggering could I never thrive,
For the rain, & c.
But when I came unto my beds,
With hey, ho, & c.
With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
For the rain, & c.
A great while ago the world begun,
With hey, ho, & c.
But that's all one, our play is done,
And we'll strive to please you every day. When that I was and a little tiny boy,
Exit

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