Takaa Awori, Leadership in Africa Redefined

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Chapter Seven

DEVELOP EMOTIONAL MASTERY

If your only tool is a hammer,

you will see every problem as a nail.

—Gambian proverb

DR MARK AWORI is a paediatric and congenital cardiac surgeon, as well as one of Kenya’s leading
children’s heart surgeons. As a senior lecturer in the Department of Surgery, School of Medicine,
University of Nairobi, and a Trustee of the Gertrude’s Children’s Hospital in Nairobi, Mark is no stranger
to leadership. I begin this chapter on emotional mastery with a story that Mark shared with me because
I think it so powerfully captures what it means for a leader to be deeply emotionally intelligent and the
positive impact it can bring.

One day, Mark received a distress call from a cardiologist colleague. The cardiologist diagnosed a
problem with a paediatric patient, recommended surgery, and referred the case to a senior surgeon at
one of the country’s teaching hospitals.

Unfortunately, in that surgeon’s professional assessment, the patient would not be helped with this
particular surgery. The cardiologist referred the patient to Mark, wanting a second opinion, hence the
distress call. Upon examining the patient, Mark disagreed with the senior surgeon and recommended
surgery. Unfortunately, the surgery was to be performed at the same teaching hospital where the senior
surgeon worked. So, when Mark tried to schedule the surgery, he was met with resistance from those
who agreed with the senior surgeon. When he asked for a theatre to be booked, it was never booked.
When he asked the blood bank to be prepared, it was not prepared. In other words, there was silent
collusion against Mark’s course of action.

Mark became angry and frustrated at the attempts to thwart his recommended surgery because he felt
a child’s life was at stake. So, he went to the senior surgeon to explain why he thought the surgery
should go ahead. It did not go well and essentially ended in a shouting match. A stalemate ensued while
the patient’s condition deteriorated. What Mark did next is a wonderful example of emotional mastery
as a leader.

First, he recognised that the opinion of the senior surgeon and his team was equally legitimate. In
complex medical conditions, the body of evidence for one treatment or another is not very extensive,
and some surgeons may be more conservative than others. For the same condition, one surgeon may
operate, and another may choose not to. When he reached a calmer state, Mark returned to the senior
surgeon and said, “Sir, I’ve been very silly in how I handled the situation. I’m very sorry, but I really feel
this patient needs an operation. Will you help me? Come and assist me as I operate.” The senior surgeon
looked at him, and he said, “Let’s do it.”

What changed in this situation? Mark managed his anger and ego and was able to see he needed help.
He was also sensitive to the emotions of the senior surgeon, who had probably not taken the insistence
of the younger surgeon with a divergent perspective very well. With mastery of their emotions, both
surgeons could find a win-win situation that benefitted the young patient.

In the last twenty years, thanks to the work of Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence has become
widely recognised as a vital competence for leaders at all levels. Emotional intelligence is defined as the
ability to manage your own emotions and understand the emotions of others to build stronger
relationships. Yet, for many leaders I know, their emotional world is a strange and unchartered territory.

Be Aware of and Accept Your Emotions

The first step in emotional mastery is to become aware of what you are feeling in the moment. In the
leadership programme I teach, I often ask the leaders to name the emotion they are experiencing at that
moment. The responses rarely go beyond: “Okay, good, fine.” I have observed that many people are
unaware of what they are feeling at the moment, let alone can give words to describe it. Our emotional
literacy is sadly lacking.

This lack of awareness of what one is feeling at any given moment means that the emotion manages
you; you don’t manage the emotion. The effect of this, when a person has power over other people, can
be devastating. For example, one leader I observed was unaware of his feelings of insecurity around his
intelligence and technical competence. As a result, he was easily threatened by bright and competent
staff. After realising their prowess, he would ostracise them from the team, causing them to leave the
organisation.

Another leader I worked with was constantly afraid of not achieving her team’s quarterly targets. As a
result, she exercised excessive control over all the operations. She would often micro-manage her direct
reports in a manner that stifled their growth and ability to deliver the results she desperately desired.

In yet another instance, I recall listening to the litany of complaints one leader had about his staff, whom
he was convinced was stealing from him, even though he had no evidence to support his claim. This
leader was unconscious of his constant anxiety about people trying to take advantage of him. As a
result, he could not objectively assess whether the theft was occurring or not.

This limited ability to be aware of one’s emotions is compounded by culture, religion, and gender, which
make the expression of some emotions appropriate and others not. Okonkwo in Things Fall Apart is
illustrative. As stated: “Okonkwo never showed any emotion openly, unless it was anger. To show
affection was a sign of weakness; the only thing worth demonstrating was strength.” So, it has been said
that, in some parts of Africa, it is okay for men to show emotions such as anger, which evoke strength,
and to avoid emotions such as empathy, which evoke weakness.

This has been carried over to the workplace, and it’s not only in Africa that there are gendered
differences in what is appropriate for a woman and what is appropriate for a man regarding emotions.
For example, research has shown that, for female leaders, showing emotions is a liability in contrast to
male leaders.[9] When a female leader displays anger, she is said to be “emotional.” When a male
leader displays anger, he is said to be “passionate.”

Because of these norms, we judge ourselves for having these emotions and then suppress or numb the
feelings even when we become conscious of what we are feeling. Numbing is a common defence where
people adopt strategies to avoid feeling difficult emotions.

The most common numbing strategy I have observed amongst the leaders I have worked with is over-
working. Working non-stop is accepted and even expected of many successful leaders, so it is not easy
to recognise when driven by an unconscious avoidance of difficult emotions. How can leaders have a
healthier relationship with their emotions, so they are both aware of and accept what they are feeling?

Rumi, the thirteenth-century Persian poet, in his poem “The Guest House,” provides thoughtful guidance
for working with the range of emotions we encounter as human beings. He talks about welcoming them
and treating them honourably even though they might metaphorically “violently sweep your house
empty of all its furniture.”[10] Rumi ends the poem by stating: “Be grateful for whatever comes because
each has been sent as a gift from beyond.” Rumi advises us not to avoid our emotions but to welcome
them and learn from them.

Using this advice in my leadership coaching, I invite my clients to become more observant of their
emotions and how they affect their leadership. I also encourage them to name which emotions are
difficult and identify how they numb them when they become too intense. Using Rumi’s guidance, we
then explore what these emotions are teaching us.

One client discovered that behind her anger and resentment was a need to have stronger boundaries. In
other words, she needed to say “no” more often. Another client realised that behind his constant
irritation and frustration with his team was unacknowledged disappointment and irritation. He was
projecting a lot of his feelings about himself onto his direct reports and peers. Emotional mastery,
therefore, is fundamental to leadership, and it starts with being aware of your emotions and mastering
them.

***

Now, over to you:

→ Which emotions do you find uncomfortable?

→ How do you numb these feelings?

→ How do these feelings affect your behaviour?

→ What are these emotions teaching you about yourself; in other words, what gifts from
beyond are they bringing into your awareness?

***

Manage your Emotions; Don’t Let Your Emotions Manage You

The first time I met Carl Manlan, I was struck by his poise and thoughtful response to issues. Carl was the
Chief Operating Officer of Ecobank Foundation and an Ivorian economist with vast experience across the
continent. Carl and I sat on a Board together, and I was always impressed by his intellect and the
mastery of his emotions. It was only later that Carl told me that mastery of his emotions was something
he had to learn the hard way.

Early in his career, Carl was at a meeting with organisational partners who were planning something that
he felt would be grossly unjust to the country. Even though he suspected his organisation would take
the position of the partners, Carl felt strongly that this plan should not take place. As a result, without
consulting his line manager, he wrote a note that was not sufficiently diplomatic about his feelings
regarding the plans of the partners. The consequences were not good for Carl, as his organisation did
not take kindly to his actions.

In reality, Carl’s anger was not the problem. Carl’s anger reflected his values and commitment to justice.
The problem was that when he wrote that email, he was moved by anger rather than managing it. His
story teaches us not to pretend our emotions are not present but rather to sit with these emotions as
the boss, not the victim. It’s about learning to be the boss of our emotions.

Being the boss means first acknowledging the emotion present. So, it goes back to the first step we
talked about in this chapter: being aware of and accepting what you are feeling. The second step,
particularly when the emotion feels overwhelming, is to take a sacred pause before acting. Breathe and
sleep on it. Juliana Ndolo, a highly experienced Human Resource Manager, whom I have long respected,
often advises her colleagues: “If you are angry and write an email, never send it right away. Save it in
your drafts and leave it overnight. The next day, ideally after a good night’s rest, look at the email again
and determine if you want to send it in its current form.” Her advice to sleep on it is a way of taking a
sacred pause.

It is also important to note that mastery of emotions is not about never showing them. The myth of
leaving your emotions at the door when you enter the workplace is just that—a myth. Emotions are a
vital part of the leader-follower relationship. People often follow leaders because they generate trust,
empathy, pride, and inspiration. Even so-called “negative” emotions can be useful in leadership. For
example, displaying anger can be useful in holding people accountable and maintaining boundaries. That
only works if you are choosing how to express your anger. This means you are managing your anger and
not the other way around. Ultimately, knowing how to appropriately express an emotion comes with
awareness and acceptance, both of which happen in the sacred pause.

Being Present to the Emotions of Others

Even though this part of the book is about Leading Self, emotional mastery is about managing your own
emotions so that you can understand the emotions of others. Take Magdalena Moshi, the Deputy
Director for the United Nation’s World Food Programme (WFP), at their African Union Liaison Office.
This amazing Tanzanian woman, who has worked with the WFP for about twenty-six years, has served in
many leadership roles within the organisation in numerous countries. A number of Magdalena’s
postings have been in countries that faced food emergencies because of natural disasters or conflict. In
these contexts, she and her team are constantly faced with exceedingly difficult situations emotionally.

For example, in 2009, a suicide bomber dressed in the uniform of one of Pakistan’s security forces blew
himself up in the lobby of the WFP’s office in Islamabad, killing five staff. Magdalena was stationed in
Islamabad at the time as Head of Programmes. Being in the office when the bomb went off, she
experienced great emotional turmoil after losing colleagues. But as one of the organisation’s leaders,
she had to manage her emotions so that she could help her team. She showed empathy, listened, and
cried with them. She also had to keep working. They had to quickly find a new office to operate from,
and they had to continue providing emergency services to those who needed them desperately.
Magdalena’s story reveals how sometimes leaders have to be brave and sensitive to the emotions of
others.

Kader Kaneye, the successful Social Entrepreneur, Change Leader, and Founder of the African
Development University based in Niger, is a leader who learned early in his career the importance of
being sensitive to the emotions of others. Around age 22, Kader was top of his class while working with
the Mazers Group, a leading international audit, tax, and advisory firm based in France but present in
over 90 countries globally. His exceptional technical skills were noticed by his senior managers, who put
him on a fast track, working on very important assignments, representing Mazers Group on multi-
country public-private partnerships, and interacting with ministers and top officials.

And then, he was transferred to Niger, where his knowledge and exposure made Kader shine like a star.
However, the lack of people skills started showing. He said, “…I didn’t have the people skills, so I just
crushed everyone who was on my way…. I never hesitated to show them when they had limitations.”
Another transfer to Senegal was a different context where everyone was a star who had also studied in
France or elsewhere. That’s where Kader started taking into account that brainpower was not the only
thing that mattered, and he started working on his people’s skills and being mindful of the emotions of
others. The benefits were obvious when Kader went back to Niger and found that his relationship with
his team improved significantly.

This book was written after the COVID pandemic wrought havoc on the lives of millions. Thousands of
companies have gone out of business, and hundreds of not-for-profit organisations have closed. Millions
of people have lost their jobs. It is a time of great fear and anxiety. Many people are looking to their
political and organisational leaders to provide reassurance and comfort, yet these leaders also feel fear
and anxiety. They need to manage their own anxiety while providing emotional support to those they
are leading.

Obtain Support if Needed

For some leaders, being strong means denying and suppressing your own emotions. This is unhelpful
and may have a long-term unintended impact on your health. Emotional mastery is about tending to
your own emotions to be genuinely strong for others. In moments of crises and emergencies, many
leaders, often male leaders, may not have the skills or tools to tend to these difficult emotions of grief,
loss, fear, and anxiety. They may be hesitant to ask for help.

There is still a lot of silence, shame, and stigma around mental health in Africa. As a result, we either
don’t talk about mental health challenges or, if we acknowledge someone has a challenge, we label
them as simply having gone mad. The support we offer those with mental challenges is also inadequate.
For example, according to the Lancet, Africa has 1.4 mental health workers per 100,000 people
compared to a global average of 9 per 100,000.[11]

The time has come when there should be no shame in leaders asking for help from a counsellor,
therapist, coach, or a good friend with a listening ear. Leaders are not superhuman, nor should they
pretend to be. Yet, they do have to be there for others. Becoming aware of our emotions, accepting
them as honoured guests, taking a sacred pause when emotions threaten to overwhelm us, and
ultimately listening to the message they have brought from beyond is the path to mastery. Emotional
mastery is key for every leader, whether you do it alone or with the support of a skilled professional or
trusted friend.

[9] Brescholl, V. L. & Uhlmann, E. L. “Can an angry woman get ahead? Status conferral, gender, and
expression of emotion in the workplace.” Women and leadership, 2018; (2008). Psychological Science,
19, 268-275. Pew Research Centre, September 2018.

[10] Rumi, Jalal al-Din. Barks, Coleman and Moyne, John, trans. The Complete Rumi. New York: Harper
One, 2004.

[11] “Mental Health in Africa.” The Lancet Global Health Journal.

Awori, T. Leadership in Africa redefined: Untold stories. (pp. 17–23). Action Wealth Publishing.