Boundaries

with Parents

Matthias Barker
 Set Better Boundaries

Session 1

What are the responsibilities that a parent has to a child?

When a parent doesn’t follow through on a responsibility that they owe their child, that creates
____________. (3:10)

If we can move towards healing those wounds in ourselves, then we’re not going to be as reac-
tive and we will be _________________ in the kinds of _______________ we need to draw. (5:35)

Responsibilities that a parent has:

1. Create a sense of _______________ for their child. (6:01)

2. Create a sense of _______________ for their child. (7:10)

It is a biological necessity that you feel loved; that you feel important;
and that you feel attended to.

3. It is a parents job to _______________their child. (9:28)

You want to _______________ the environment in the home, that the child is going
to experience outside of the home. (9:35)

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4. Encourage a child and create a sense of _______________. (10:55)

“The Zone of Proximal Development is defined as the space between what a learner can do
without assistance and what a learner can do with adult guidance or in collaboration with more
capable peers.”*

Journal Questions:
In which ways did my parents do really well creating a sense of safety, nurture, equipping, and
accomplishment as a child?

In which of those domains do I feel like my parents let me down? And, what were the wounds
that resulted?

*Kozulin, Alex, et al, editors.Vygotsky's Educational Theory in Cultural Context (Learning in Doing: Social, Cognitive and Computational
Perspectives). Cambridge, Cambridge University Press, 2003

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Session 2
Safety and Nurture Concerns

What is responsibility?

Depending on the distinction we draw between what is the parent’s responsibility and what is the child’s
responsibility, that is going to be the dividing line by which we judge boundary violations.

Responsibility

responsible (adj.)

"accountable for one's actions, answerable" to another, for an act performed or its consequences, 1640s,
from obsolete French responsible (13c., Modern French responsable, as if from Latin *responsabilis), from Latin
respons-, past-participle stem of respondere "respond, answer to, promise in return," from re- "back" (see re-) +
spondere "to pledge".

With regard to the legal use of the word, two conceptions are often confused — namely, thatof the potential
condition of being bound to answer or respond in case a wrong should occur, and that of the actual condition
of being bound to respond because a wrong has occurred. For the first of these responsible is properly used,
and for the second liable. [Century Dictionary]

As an adult, even if something is not your __________ it doesn’t mean it is not your
responsibility. (3:35)

In instances in which nurture and safety needs weren’t met, it really

As a result, the wounds that come from a lack of safety and lack of nurture often
_________________. (6:17)

If you haven't addressed that wound in you to start to heal that woundedness that resulted from
your parents letting you down in that way as a kid then you have a high

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likelihood of being _________________ and _________________ out of that wound in the
domains where there’s a lot on the line. (7:53)

If your partner is the one ameshed in that relationship with the parent and you can see that
dysfunction, sometimes what you need is some couples counseling so you can negotiate and
share both perspectives to understand the wounds they are trying to meet.

There is _________________ in that wound that is going to be needed for correcting the relation-
ship. (12:15)

Notes:

Journal Questions:
In what ways have I been taking responsibility for wounds that I am not liable for?

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What are some things that my parents are no longer liable for that I have been holding as their
responsibility to fix?

Session 3
The Confrontation Sequence
Confrontation Sequence:
1. Look at the common goal: put _____________ to the felt need the parent has. (2:15)
2. Talk about what you need or talk about what you feel without including criticism
or _____________. (2:39)

It’s not good to pursue boundary conversations when you are distracted by a parental wound-- the mind is
clouded which can prevent constructive communication.

If you _____________ out of a place of woundedness you get a lot of similarly negative out-
comes. (3:35)

One of the ways that negative outcomes arise from parenting out of woundedness is through
_____________. (2:42)

Projection is when you offload the responsibility of attending to your _____________ to

_________________ a wound in your parent can feel really complicated. (5:00)

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You don’t want to call out the _____________. It’s subconscious for them, it’s coming from a
place of woundedness that leaks out into the relationships and people in our lives. (7:00)

Now that you’re an adult, you are in charge of _____________ [your wound]. (9:42)

It is not their responsibility anymore to heal those wounds, it’s yours. You have to find that groundedness in
your identity outside of them because that’s what it means to be an adult.

When we demand parental approval in order to heal parental wounds, it doesn’t _____________
that inner desire. (10:16)

Secret contracts are when a parent _____________ past sacrifices in order to compel current
day behavior. (10:57)

Tend to sound like “the least you could do…”, “after all I’ve done…”, “I guess this is the
thanks I get... “

It is a misunderstanding of responsibility in which efforts or sacrifices were a gift and which

Parents owe nurture and safety to their kids, and then when they are adults they are
peers - there’s no indebtedness.

What is __________ to parents is end of life care. (12:39)

That doesn’t mean that you care for them in the way they _____________. (13:00)

If you are the one responsible, that means you make the _____________. It would be kind for
you to take their preferences into consideration, but ultimately you are the one responsible.
(13:36)

In adulthood, there’s a reciprocal nature to your relationship that produces the quality of the
relationship that will carry on into end of life.

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The biggest conflict when parents use secret contracts is that the guild can get into your
head–that you owe them–and that’s psychological _____________. (18:00)

Reflection Questions
Are there wounds that I am seeking parental approval to fulfill? If so, what are they?

What are the secret contracts in my family?

What am I comfortable giving to my parents and what are the secret contracts I need to
renegotiate?