116 The One With Two Parts, part 1 116 双胞胎两部曲（一）

[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are
there.]
Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a 真是令人难以置信
cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now. 已过了半个小时
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her 如果这是卡通
inimitable manner.) 你应该看起来像火腿一样
Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss? 女侍在那儿
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is 抱歉，小姐…等等
coming from.) 是菲比!
Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi! 嗨
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.) 好的。就这样了？
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all? 等等，你来这儿干什么?
Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here? 我在那儿你叫我来
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so 所以我就来了
now I’m here. 不，你怎么会在这儿工作?
Joey: No, no... how come you are working here? 因为这儿离我的住处很近
Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really 而且围裙也很漂亮
cute. 可以重来吗?
Chandler: Can we start over? 没问题。那我现在到那边去。
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.) 不不不……
Chandler & Joey: No, no, no! 我不知道它在考验我还是在发泄情绪
Opening Credits 我的猴子已失去控制
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the 它不断消除我答录机上的留言
streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.] 应该是个意外
Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is 我做过这种事
out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" 它连续三天在我看报纸前
by accident. 在猜字游戏上尿尿
Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that. 这我没做过
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and 看着她
peed all over the crossword. 告诉我她和她姐长得不一样
Rachel: I’ve never done that. 我看到不同之处
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at 她们是双胞胎
Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming 我不管，菲比是菲比
cup of coffee.) 乌苏拉很火辣
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her 我们不是常谈论事情吗?
sister. 当然
Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference. 咱们别再干那事了
Chandler: They’re twins! 嗨~
Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot! 菲比，猜我们今天遇见谁?
(Joey and Chandler come indoors.) 哦！有趣有趣！嗯……
Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? 连恩尼逊
Joey: Yeah. 不是
Chandler: Let’s not do that any more. Morly Safer
(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main 不是
sofa.) 剪我头发的女人
All: Hey guys! Hey! 你们到底要猜多久?
Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today. 你姐姐，乌苏拉
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson. 哦，真的……
Joey: Nope. 她在那儿工作…瑞菲餐厅
Phoebe: Morly Safer. 我知道
Joey: Nope. 你知道?
Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair! 因为她说你们已多年不说话
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game. 对
Chandler: Your sister Ursula. 她胖吗?
Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really. 从我的角度看不会
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh... 你从什么角度?
Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know. 菲比，你们合不来?
Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years. 这只是姐妹之间的事
Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat? 大家都认为她是漂亮的一个
Joey: Not from where I was standin’. 她先学会走路
Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing? 虽然我是在当天稍后学会的
Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along? 对我爸妈而言那已经不新鲜了
Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone 菲比，抱歉，我得走了
always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one 我得去参加心理助产班
to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by 我得去参加地球科学班
then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?" 健身房见了
Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class. 你和卡萝两人去?
Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym. 不，苏珊也要去
Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol? 那有爸爸，女同志…全部的父母都会到
Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the 这样不是会很奇怪?
whole parenting team. 不会的，一开始或许会
Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird? 但现在我已坦然面对
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been 罗斯，那是我的外套
at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation. 我知道
Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket. 大家好，我们姓罗，我是洁西他叫麦可
Ross: I know. 我们有一男一女
(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.) 厉害，下一位
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, 我叫罗斯
introducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to 我儿子在那儿
Ross, Carol, and Susan.] 她叫卡罗，这位是苏珊
Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having 苏珊是卡罗的…
a boy, and a girl. 下一位是谁?
Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next? 抱歉，我不太明白。苏珊是…
Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats 苏珊是卡萝的朋友
Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol 好象拍档，好象伙伴
Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just, com... 好象恋人
(embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent 你知道女人能有多亲近的
until) ..who’s next? 我和苏珊住在一起
Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is? 尽管我们两个结过婚
Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend... 卡萝，不是我
Carol: Life partner. 有点复杂了
Ross: Like buddies. 有一点
Susan: Like lovers. 我们还好
Ross: You know how close women can get. 完全不错
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other 双胞胎？好像要生两次哦
affectionately.) 噢
Carol: Susan and I live together. 彼此，海伦
Ross: Although I was married to her. 妮娜要见你
Susan: Carol, not me. 好的，让她进来
Ross: Err, right. 嗨！
Carol: It’s a little complicated. 妮娜！进来
Ross: A little. 你想见我?
Susan: But we’re fine. 对，我刚看过你的资料
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That’s 有个小问题
like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch. 你一直填迟你周五数字的日期
[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.] 这样很不好
(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.) 因为…
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen. 这样使我的WENUS出现问题
Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you. 什么？
Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in. WENUS
(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting 每周估计净值使用统计……
trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young 净值使用统计…对
woman opens the door.) 明白了！
Nina: Hi. 我懂，不会再发生了
Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in. 我不会做任何事伤害你的…WENUS
Nina: You wanted to see me? 这不是她漂不漂亮的问题
Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little 这是…她真的真的很漂亮
thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers. 都一样，兔子不吃窝边草
Nina: Which is bad, because? 罗斯, 你的小动物又在玩遥控器了
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack. 马修，遥控器给罗斯
Nina: Your... excuse me? 马修，你现在就把遥控器给罗斯
Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net... 马修，遥控器给罗斯
Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I 这下可好
wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus." 别急，我会修好的
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he’s lost 酷！
for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking Urkel在西班牙文中叫"Urkel"！
correctly...) 它是怎么办到的?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some 你让圣诞灯一直开着是想让我们
Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.] “快乐”一整年计划中的一部分?
Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really 不，某人应该在新年期间把它拿下
cute. 但她显然是忘了
Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink. 某人应该写“瑞秋，拿下圣诞灯”
(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.) 然后贴在冰…
Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again. 在这儿多久了?
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie 你上哪儿去了?
the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote... 我到瑞佛餐厅去了
(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, pressing a particular 我想乌苏拉喜欢我 我只点咖啡
combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the 她却端给我鲔鱼和四盘的薯片
dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.) 有门了
Monica: Great. 她好带劲儿
Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it. 好的，不过听着
Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel." 在你做一些乔伊风格的事情前，或许你可
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this? 以找…
Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the 菲比
Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long? 菲比，我约你姐出去你会介意吗?
(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their 为什么?你为何要那样做?
welcome.) 因为如果我去约会时她就会在我身边
Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New 我的意思是，我不是她
Year’s... but obviously someone forgot. 呃……
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and 没错，我们曾待在同一颗卵子
put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note stuck to the 但我们各自发育
refrigerator) How long has that been there? 我不知道…有何不可?
(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.) 谢啦
Chandler: Hey, where you been? 你还好吧
Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she 还好
brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. 你还要继续看?
Chandler: Score. 抱歉，我迟到了
Joey: She is so hot! 卡萝在哪儿?
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might 学校有事，老师和家长间的事
wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the 你可以走了，我留下来上课
remote control.) 不…我应该留下来
Joey: Pheebs? 我们两个都该知道这事情是怎么样的
Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah? 很好，一定会很有意思的
Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister? 首先是第三阶段基本呼吸练习
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that? Why? 各位妈妈请躺下
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there. 教练们支撑妈妈们的头
Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I 什么?什么?什么?
mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, 我该当妈?
um... I don’t know, why not? Okay. 好吧，我再打一次精子牌
Joey: Cool, thanks. 我不懂为什么只因我是个女人
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then 我就得错过教练训练
exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down 了解，你说该怎么办?
next to Ross.) 掷铜板
Ross: You okay? 掷铜板?不…头…
Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine. 躺下吧，妈
Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley? 各位妈妈们，请深呼吸
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and 很好，现在请想像你的阴道
Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross 像花一样绽放着
joins in the rhythm.) 迪先生，如何?
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just 好多了
finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the 年度净值已经算出来了
Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs 然后呢?
emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.] 奇惨无此
Ross: Sorry. 70年代之后没这么惨过
Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol? 这代表什么?
Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the 每个部门都得裁员
information. 听着，虽然我上星期迟到
Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s 我那天睡姿不良把头发睡塌……
going on. 不是你，放松
Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun. 曾经开除某人吗?
Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing 妮娜
exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you 你没事吧
should be supporting Mummy’s head. 当然
(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.) 我今天叫你进来的原因…请别恨我
Ross and Susan: What? What? What? 怎么了?
Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy? 能约你共进晚餐吗?
Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time. 菲比，你想要什么生日礼物?
Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training 我想要我妈复活和我共享人生
just because I’m a woman. 好吧
Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do? 这样吧
Susan: I will flip you for it. 想不想要“艾芙琳”的产品?
Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads! 我想要浴盐
Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom. 好
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan’s lap like all the 这是什么地方?
other fathers.) 你很冷，我想尿尿，窗户上又有个咖啡杯
Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. 你就将就一点吧
(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.) 我想我们有答案了
Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower. 她怎么会在这儿?
(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.) 老天爷明明就是叫我们回家吃饭嘛
[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas 她被瑞佛餐厅开除?
knocks and opens the door.] 不，昨晚我们还在那儿吃饭
Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir? 她不断端来剑鱼
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in. 你要去…
Chandler: And? 不，点完之后再去
Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the 是她吧?
seventies. 看起来像她
Chandler: So what does this mean? 抱歉?是我们
Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department. 好呀,是我
Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my 你也在这儿?
hair was very very – 和你们一样
Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone? 该你了
[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.] 我们知道我们要什么
Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. 很好
(In pain) Nina. 我们要两杯拿铁还有小饼干
(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.) 不错的选择
Nina: Are you okay? 绝对是她
Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I 我真不敢相信
called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me. 你还没告诉她她失业了?
Nina: (Taking her hand away) What? 你还没把圣诞灯拿下来
Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime? 恭禧你
(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.) 你发现了世上最薄弱的争论
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.] 我只是在寻找适当的时机
Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? 应该不会太难找到
Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me. 因为你们已开始约会
Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn? 亲爱的，你被开除了
Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. 我上班前何不来个“速战速决”？
Rachel: Ooh, okay... good. 嗨
(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about 进门后就不用再敲门了
them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.) 我来开
Jamie: What is this place? Heckles先生
Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there’s a cup 你们又这么做了
of coffee on the window. How bad could it be? 我们什么都没做
(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.) 我们只是坐在这儿静静地聊天
Jamie: I think we have an answer. 我可以透过天花板听见
Fran: What’s she doing here? 我的猫睡不着
Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home. 你根本没养猫
Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s? 我原本有机会养
Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the 再见了，Heckles先生
memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go 我们会很小声的
to the, um? 菲比，帮我个忙吗?
Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right. 能试穿看看吗?我想知道合不合身?
Jamie: It looks like her. 我的第一件生日礼物
(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.) 这衣服真…
Jamie: Um, excuse me. 不，是送乌苏拉的
Phoebe: Yeah? 我想知道尺寸
Jamie: Hi, it’s us. 好呀
Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me. 合身
Jamie: So, so you’re here too? 你今晚又和她约会?
Phoebe: Much as you are. 对，去看花样溜冰
Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn. 这回你是来真的
Fran: Err... we know what we want. 没想到你会为任何花式玩意儿付钱
Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good. 我也不知道，我喜欢她
Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes. 她与众不同，她有…
Fran: And some biscotti cookies. 你喜欢?我们懂
Phoebe: Good choice. 你喜欢她，太好了
(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won’t see the face she pulls, 菲比，我问过你而你也同意了
and sits down.) 也许现在不同意了
Jamie: Definitely her. 也许我对于你的不同意也不同意了
Fran: Yeah. 好吧！
Commercial break 快织，快织！好女人
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The 克莱斯勒大楼就在那儿
Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, 妮娜
and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his Douglas先生
hands.] 不错的领带！
(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.) 她还在这里?
Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job 没错,她还在
yet? 我没通知你吗?
Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights. 我开除她后,接到她心理医生的电话
Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument. 佛…佛林大夫
Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know? 他说她一时无法适应
Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. (Imitating 老实说他提到“狂暴”这两个字
men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie before I go 她?开什么玩笑?她…
to work?" 不，妮娜?她…
(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.) 如果你现在问她
Joey: Hey. 她根本记不得被开除这件事
Rachel and Chandler: Hey. 难以置信
(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.) 你不得不信
Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more. 因此我决定暂时不再开除她
Monica: I’ll get it. 直到我确定她对自己或其他人不构成威胁
(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair 为止
to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.) 我了解
Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles. 人的心中在想什么
Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again. 别人永远无法完全了解
Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly. 所以会有心理学的产生
Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep. 爸妈永远忘不了这声音
Rachel: You don’t even have cats. 这是生产的奇迹
Mr.Heckles: I could have cats. 请开灯
Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles. 这一集是生宝宝
Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down. 下周是我们的最后一堂课
(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid 苏珊，准备接球
becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a 这根本不可能…
nice cardigan.) 怎么了?
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna 我不做那女人做的事
make sure it fits. 我不会这么做的
Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in 他得留在我体内一切和原来一样
her lap) ..oh, this is really... 卡萝，不会有事的
Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise. 你怎么知道?
Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the 当然不会有人对你说：
bag) ..okay, it fits. 这是你的鼻孔吗?
(The others have been taking all this in.) 我能将这肉块穿你的鼻孔吗?
Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight? 卡萝,亲爱的。深呼吸！
Joey: Yep. Ice Capades. 我知道你很惶恐
Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind 往远处想 生产过程只是一天
of capade. 结束后他这辈子都是我们的儿子
Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ 怀胎生子为的不就是这些吗?
about her. 罗斯?
Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting 我要当爸爸了
circle) we get it. You like her. Great! 你才刚知道?
(The circle freezes in apprehension.) 我一直都知道我有个孩子
Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay. 只是不知道孩子有我
Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay. 你会是个好爸爸的
Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay. 你怎会知道?
Phoebe: Okay. 我连阻止马修吃浴室垫都办不到
(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by) 我如何养儿育女?
Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit! 罗斯，
(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling 科学家说孩子和猴子是不一样的
Chandler’s wool.) 哪儿去?
出去
和谁?
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. 是的，你知道
Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. 能问你一个问题吗?
Chandler’s boss opens the door.] 你们有没有...嘛?
Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there. 不关你的事
Mr. Douglas: Nina. 没有，行了吗?
Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie. 你是指性吧?
(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s 有空吗?
expression of alarm & guilt.) 当然，什么事?
Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely 我不知道
departure) She’s still here. 最近大家都避开我
Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, 而且以奇怪的眼神看我
I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan. 或许他们在嫉妒我们
(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with 或许吧
schizophrenia....) 这无法解释他们为何拿走我的剪刀
Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in 或许是因为你被升职的缘故
fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy. 我被升职了?
Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so... 当然！为什么不会？
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is 天啊，你真是太了不起了
whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would 可不是吗
have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all. 海伦，能快处理
Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable. 布小姐升职的手续吗?
Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be 你仍要我
assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others. 拿她的心理分析结果到人事部?
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a 什么?
person’s head. 海伦喝醉了
Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir. 你愿意嫁给我吗?
(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but 最后我把一切都告诉她了
turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the 她的反应如何?
truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?) 坦然接受
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now 除了拿钉书机钉我之外
Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is 告诉你们，以后遇见类似的状况
showing her class a video, which is about to end.] 切记别把手放在桌上
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is 我想我知道该怎么做了
the miracle of birth. 能把电视关掉吗?
Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class. 能把他们弄走吗?我受不了了
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to hold it upside down like a 菲比，他们走了
football, slapping it with his other hand.) 好的
Ross: Susan, go deep. 你还好吧？
(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a 还不是乌苏拉惹的祸
bubble is about to burst...) 菲比，我能问…
Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible. 他和她约会真有那么糟吗?
Susan: What is, honey? 对，我不是说她是很坏
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that. It’s just gonna have to stay 她总是给我添乱！
in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in. 我8岁时我不给她我的热水壶
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright. 她就把它丢在公车下
Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? NO-ONE’S GOING 然后，有个蓝迪布朗
UP TO YOU AND SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL? MIND IF WE 你们有没有过男友身兼好友的情况?
PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?" 没有
Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath. 我当时的状况就是如此
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head 她把他抢走又伤他的心
& limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.) 他从此不和我说话
Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and 因为他说他不愿再见像她我们俩之一的
when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. 任何人
(Ross is staring blankly into space.) 噢,菲比
Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross? 我知道乔伊不是我男朋友或者热水壶
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her 你不会失去他的
brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.] 你得找乔伊谈
Ross: I’m gonna be a father. 好的
Rachel: This is just occurring to you? 拜托，这些事他全然不知
Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was 如果她了解你的感受……
having me. …但他爱上她了
Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna be great! 拜托，他们才约会一个星期
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath 根本还没上床，八字都还没一撇呢
mat. How am I gonna raise a kid? 好吧
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys 哦！好的好的
and babies are actually different. 我们能帮你什么忙吗?
(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.) 瑞秋，你在干什么?
Phoebe: Where’re you going? 外面好冷，进来好吗?
Joey: Out. 不…你要我把灯取下
Phoebe: With? 我正在做，行吗?
Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes. 天啊，瑞秋!
Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question? 我没事…
(Joey nods his head.) Heckles先生…能帮一下忙吗?
Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet? 我指的就是这种事儿
Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?
(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)
Joey: You meant sex, right?
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they’re not there.)
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the
door.]
Nina: Do you have a sec?
Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?
Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and
giving me these really strange looks.
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.
Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.
Nina: I am?
Chandler: Sure, why not?
Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You’re amazing!
Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure
we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?
Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile
to Personnel?
Nina: What?
Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?
(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a
bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her
television set.]
Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.
Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it?
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged
hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand...
(he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.
(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from
the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)
Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go
away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.
Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Are you alright?
Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really
so terrible?
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She
just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t
let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh,
and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend
who was like your best friend?
Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.
Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole
him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any
more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like
either one of us.
Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.
Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything,
but...
Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.
Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.
Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.
Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.
Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.
Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept
together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.
Phoebe: Okay... Okay.
(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.
(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and
Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but
instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.)
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as
though she owns the place.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas
lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]
Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come
back inside?
Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs
onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa!
(Screams.)
(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)
Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!
(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper,
but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the
Christmas lights.)
Rachel: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's
window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?
Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.
End