A Philanderer’s Wife: The Lived Experiences of a Philanderer’s wife

Gideon Clyde Balauro, Jammela G. Castro, Raine P. Comajig, Claire Nino P. Comendador,
Samantha Faith S. Garing

Senior High School Department, University of Cebu - Banilad Campus

Review of Related Literature

According to studies, at least one instance of sexual infidelity in 30–40% of unmarried

partnerships and 18–20% of marriages. Infidelity may have a long-lasting effect on a couple's

partners and any children they may have. Grief can lead to brain changes, future behaviors, and

mental health disorders, including anxiety, chronic stress, and depression (Moore, 2021). The

data above prove how infidelity can have profound effects; this requires investigating the issue.

This chapter comprises three sections that discuss the contributing factors that result in infidelity,

the impact on the spouse, and the coping mechanism of the spouse.

Contributing Factors that Result in Infidelity

Some guys find wooing several women much more exciting than finding a long-term loving

partner. Such a man is frequently called a Lothario or Don Juan and a womanizer. A womanizer

is frequently a serial dater who prefers the excitement of the pursuit over the purpose of the

dating routine. Women who have interacted with such guys may refer to them by other names,

such as walk-away Joes or players. (Pollick, 2023). Stritof, 2022 commented that many different

things might spark an affair. Anger, low self-esteem, loss of love, low commitment, need for

variation, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance were the eight leading causes, according to a
study of 495 people. It is crucial to note that these causes are internal to the cheater and are not

the victim's fault.

Further, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with a focus on close interpersonal

relationships is known as relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD). Prior research

emphasized the effects of ROCD symptoms on the individual. However, the research examines

the effects of ROCD symptoms on a relationship. In this study, we investigated whether

exposure to elevated ROCD symptoms in romantic partners might worsen participants' own

ROCD symptoms and their perception of their partners' propensity to infidelity. Couples that

identified as heterosexual answered self-report questionnaires. Then, each romantic duo's chosen

spouse was either given information indicating their partner has low (low exposure) or high (high

exposure) ROCD symptoms. Results showed that participants in the high-exposure group

displayed more signs of ROCD than those with little exposure. Participants evaluated their and

their partners' vulnerability to infidelity as higher than participants in the low-exposure group,

particularly among participants with pre-existing ROCD symptoms, after exposure to supposedly

elevated levels of partners' ROCD symptoms. These findings highlight a potentially harmful

'contagious' effect of unprotected exposure to partners' ROCD symptoms. (Littman, et. al.,

2023).

On the other hand, BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, is also a contributing factor

that leads to infidelity. One of the defining characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder

(BPD) is dysfunctional relationships, characterized by frequent disagreements. However,

partner-related characteristics and the BPD relationship as a dyad have rarely been considered. In

a dyad where one partner has been diagnosed with BPD, the current study examined how

hormones, personalities, and relationship-relevant factors—such as relationship satisfaction,

entire sample. The primary outcomes are the neo-Five-Factor Inventory, Childhood Trauma

Questionnaire, and Experiences in Close Relationships Scale. A problem List, Partnership

Questionnaire, and Dyadic Coping Questionnaire are secondary outcomes. One saliva sample

was collected when the questionnaire finished passively drooling to determine the baseline

cortisol and testosterone levels. Results indicated that women with BPD score higher than

mentally healthy women on measures of neuroticism, dysfunctional attachment styles, and

childhood abuse.

Additionally, they are less fulfilled in their romantic connection and have more

relationship-related issues. Compared to healthy control mates, the male partners of women with

BPD displayed lower testosterone levels, more excellent rates of childhood abuse, dysfunctional

attachment patterns, neuroticism, and openness. Furthermore, relationship-related issues showed

a significant positive association with childhood trauma, neuroticism, and dysfunctional

attachment styles. Couples with more relationship breakdowns are likelier to have had traumatic

childhood experiences, insecure attachment patterns, and neurotic personality traits. When

treating female BPD patients, relevant hormonal and psychosocial characteristics in BPD

partners should be considered. Kroener et al, 2023).

Infidelity and its Impacts

Being a partner of a womanizer can have many effects. It may be physical, emotional,

and many more. Nevertheless, the most difficult one to recover from is the psychological effect.

Infidelity frequently causes pain, which can have emotionally damaging effects. It is okay if one

feels like one is mourning because one very well may be. Human loss may take many forms, and
no one has the right to minimize pain. Grief can lead to brain changes, future behaviors, and

mental health disorders, including anxiety, chronic stress, and depression. (Moore, 2021).

Moreover, according to academic literature, these actions are classified as infidelity, involvement

of more than one person, affair, omission, cheating, or another synonym designating covert

romantic activity with a secondary partner in an exclusive romantic relationship. Intense

emotional involvement in coerced sex is an example of this covert behavior. Approximately one-

fourth of all marriages end in adultery, and by the turn of the 20th century, infidelity had sharply

increased among the oldest group of men (65 to 90). Infidelity damages individual, couple, and

even child relationships. PTSD, anxiety, and even divorce have all been linked. Domestic

violence and sexually transmitted diseases are more likely to occur due to infidelity. (Rokach &

Chan, 2023)

While on the other hand, Cano & O'Leary's study in 2000 investigated whether a

humiliating marital event (HME; husband's infidelity, the threat of marriage dissolution) causes a

major depressive episode (MDE) when marital conflict is controlled. Participants were 25

women who had recently experienced HME and 25 control women who had not experienced

HME. Both groups reported similar levels of marital discord. Results showed that HME

participants were six times more likely to be diagnosed with MDE than control participants.

These results persisted even after adjusting for family and life history of depression. HME

participants also reported significantly more nonspecific depression and anxiety symptoms than

control participants. However, HME and control participants did not differ significantly in the

number of anhedonia-depressive and anxiety-excitatory symptoms.

In addition, infidelity affects the partner and the people around them, especially the

children. According to Wisner, in 2022, children will likely be more severely damaged when
infidelity causes months or years of hostility, broken trust, or a messy divorce, especially if they

do not receive emotional support or counseling services to help them process their emotions. Due

to their high levels of intuition and perception, children are especially susceptible to extramarital

affairs, even if their parents choose not to disclose them. Children might find changes in their

parents' conduct upsetting, and affairs cause the wandering spouse to spend less time and care on

the family, depriving the kid. Some academics claim that asking the child to keep the affair a

secret from the other parent is the worst thing a parent can do. Putting the responsibility on a kid

may cause them to become estranged from the other parent, foster animosity, and alter the

balance of power between the parent and child.

Children may experience pressure to care for or defend the harmed parent, heightening

their emotional stress. Children of adulterous partners frequently suffer shame, loss of trust,

perplexity, animosity, ambivalence towards the betraying parent, and acting out. Children of

various ages, from babies to adults, might have these problems. Young children may misbehave,

isolate themselves, injure themselves, or regress. For older kids, the example of a damaged

parent's marriage by an affair may make dating and marriage much more challenging than they

already are. According to research, having children from unfaithful households increases the

chance of infidelity in adult relationships. These adult children may also have trouble trusting

others in intimate situations. (Feldstein, 2018)

Coping Mechanism

As Lloyd, 2022, commented, if one has been experiencing infidelity, one could go

through a roller coaster of feelings. One can experience extreme emotions back-to-back.

Additionally, a shattered heart can result in a potentially overpowering jumble of emotions,

comprehending and processing one's feelings. It is crucial to remember that there is no clear path

to take when recuperating from a breakup and that some people may take longer than others to

go through this process. Take the time to recover, and give oneself permission to develop and

learn from the suffering.

Even though it may feel difficult, remember that one is in control of one's process and that

whatever closure one may want is solely one's choice to offer. As sexologist Rob Weiss, Ph.D.,

argues, "Damaged relationships do not heal overnight, and damaged relationships do not heal

simply because one party wants them to."

According to Lloyd, 2022, there are several ways to help one cope when experiencing

infidelity, but here are the major ones. First, work through emotions rather than repressing them.

According to Weiss, "Getting over infidelity often involves going through the typical stages of

grief: shock/denial; anger/defiance; bargaining; melancholy, regret; and acceptance. Like

keeping a journal, maintaining a daily thankfulness practice enables one to experience gradual

self-healing. Second, blame the cheating entirely on the cheater rather than blaming oneself or

dwelling on what may have been. While some self-reflection might help one grow personally,

going too far and blaming oneself for everything slows the healing process. Lastly, do not live in

the past. Focusing too much on the past is not constructive or healthy. Focus on the future rather

than the past as one moves through the many phases of the healing process and finally comes to

forgive them and oneself. Avoid obsessing on hypotheticals.

The abovementioned studies and related literature tackled the contributing factors that

result in infidelity, the impact on the spouse, and the coping mechanism of the spouse. These
studies and works focus more on the impacts of infidelity on the spouse and people around them,

especially the children.

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Feldstein, B. A. (2018, April 20). How do cheating spouses impact their children’s emotional

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