Australian humour
at its best or its . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .?
"A larrikin is a person who still maintains a tradition of anti-establishment
behaviour that expresses itself through genuinely good humour." Bill Leak
The Honourable R.J.Hawke former Prime Minister was “sent up” in this cartoon in
which his love of a beer knew no bounds..
Welcome to the second edition of Aussie humour.
Aimed at themselves
An Australian's humour is often self-depreciating. For example, a cerebral palsy sufferer by
the name of Steady Eddy has turned his disability into an asset by making a comic routine
about it. In his quest for love, he recounts that upon seeing a beautiful girl, he often wishes:
" if only she had a limp..."
Aside from being directed at oneself, humour may also be directed towards ones racial group. For
example, Australians of Greek extraction occasionally reminisce about their upbringing; fondly
recalling their mothers teaching them how to put on their underwear - yellow at the front and
brown at the back, or how their fathers gave them gold chains so they would know where to stop
shaving.
Self-depreciation is also common on a national level. During the opening of the Sydney Olympics,
an obviously drunk Governor General pronounced "Sa-sa-Sydney" and then knocked over the
microphone. It was a shameful performance that would have had most countries scared that they
world would think they are being led by a socially inept buffoon!! Oddly, most Australians just
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found it funny, and even speculated that if he got sacked for being pissed on the job, he may
have a career as a rap singer to fall back on.
Breaking the rules
In the colonial era, the ability to make a policeman laugh may have been the difference
between the gallows and freedom. A notable exponent of such comedy was a convict of
African extraction by the name of Billy Blue. Billy wore a discarded military uniform, a top
hat and and possessed a repertoire of jokes that flowed like fine wine. So well did he
endear himself to the authorities, they 'believed' his claims that rather they be an alcohol
smuggler, he kept finding liquor floating in Sydney harbour and had been stopped before he
had a chance to report it to the authorities.
Daniel Gordon, another convict of African extraction, faced court expecting to receive a
death sentence. When he appeared in the dock, Daniel was wild and incoherent in a
performance that smacked of a praise-the-lord pastor crossed with a black and white
minstrel. Everyone from other convicts to the court clerk thought he was acting.
Fortunately, the usually sceptical judge deemed him mentally unfit for trial. When his
condition failed to improve, the case was called off. Daniel eventually died 32 years later,
aged 81.
When full-figured cricket player Shane Warne was found guilty of
using a banned diuretic, he pleaded that he was just trying to lose
weight to look good for the cameras. He even threw in a few fat
jokes, for example that he was tired of being teased about having
"more chins than a Chinese phonebook."
Instead of being given the standard two year suspension, Shane
was only banned for one year. Perhaps this indicates that his jokes
were given a bare pass mark.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her
tits went!
A Sydney couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put
out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver
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"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid
bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come
out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I
hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the
vegetable garden again either!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of
Indian-Pacific train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the
lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's
pretend we’re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own bloody blanket!"
Recently at a bus stop in Burnie, there was a girl
who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the
MTT bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she
realised that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get
her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her
leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a
little. She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach
the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she
still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around
her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously
and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, miss, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three
times, I kind of thought that we were good friends."
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill, (the
Australian barmaid) takes his order (1 pint of fosters) and notices his Australian accent. Over the
course of the night they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if
she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she
says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the dirty deed. Jill is traveling the world and because
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she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again orders another Fosters and after showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for
a penny in for a pound and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he just
orders his fosters and goes and sits in the corner. Jill (a little disappointed) thinks that maybe she
should pay him more attention and maybe she can drag some cash out of him. So she goes over
and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I..." she
says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing..."she says, "...so am I -
what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable..." she says, "...what number?" He
says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this..." she says, "...I'm
from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says "...your father gave me $1,000
to give to you!"
Parliament House, Canberra.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin
to see a naked woman that is not a wife, this Saturday
afternoon at 2:00 pm Eastern Standard Time, all
Australian women are asked to walk out of their house
completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood
terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this
anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves
in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think
it's okay to see other women in the nude.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, an
Esky containing a cold slab of VB is to be at your side as
further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
Australia appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation.
God Bless Australia! Come on all you Aussie men, get out there and support the girls as they
weed out the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighbourhood!!
Yours.
The Prime Minister.
A Scotsman goes to a dentist in Hobart and asks how much it is for an extraction.
"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.
"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.
"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the
dentist.
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"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi'oot anaesthetic", said the
Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism
and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40",
said the dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the
extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case",
said the dentist.
"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday"
Here’s one for Maureen
A swagman who had tramped many kilometres along a
rough outback track came to a small pub called the
"George and the Dragon" and made his way around to
the back in search of a handout. Before he had time to
ask, the publican's wife came on the scene and gave the
tramp the greatest verbal thrashing of his life. She
called him a lazy good-for-nothing loafer and added if
he was hoping to get even scraps from the kitchen, he
could forget it. The tramp just stood there in silence.
'Well,' she snapped impatiently, ' now what is it you
want? '
' I was wonderin ', said the man, ' if I could have a word
with George? '
Even Tourism gets a prod on occasions.
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the
answers came from a fellow Aussie....
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants
grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed
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porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the
middle of the Pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of
the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the
Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can
sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the
male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are
perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of
bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the
brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying
in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
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A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
The Rules of Bedroom
Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his
own equipment for play, normally
one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be
approved by the owner of the
hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the
object is to get the club in the
hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied
play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced
players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well
formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently
playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a
players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be
embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case.
11. Players should make sure their match has been properly scheduled particularly when
playing a new course. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing what they considered their private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce
the visibility of the hole.
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13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the
back 9.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker
pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole
several times in one match.
A Canterbury farmer on the South Island of New Zealand...
A Canterbury farmer on the South Island in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed
them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass
when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial
insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his
Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to
bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around,
he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself,
and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the
sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks
his wife to have a look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
Sex in the dark.
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark.
Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on
the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent prick!!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our two kids!!!
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Some one put up the “word of the day” at a work place recently.
The word: Claque. Pronunciation: klak, klaak.
Meaning: noun 1 a group of people hired to applaud or heckle a performer.
2 a group of sycophantic followers.
I guess this best describes many of the volunteers at this particular work place.
So we come to the end of the Australian humour, jokes, innuendo, or call it what you will. The last
few weeks have seen an influx of jokes from all over the place, all have been flagged for future
reference so don’t be dismayed if you see your contribution in print for others to get a giggle out
of.
What I can’t believe is the
number of people who are
getting these Friday emails. It
all started with about half a
dozen, now it is more like
fourty, all on (BCC) blind
carbon copy. How does it
happen? A recipient refers the
name to me asking it to be
included on the mailing list. I
think I may have to start a
business venture.
Bye for now, just stay clean
and tidy.
