13-05-2005

Hi to all again for you unusual Friday Edition.

Last week was Mothers Day, like that was on the Sunday, and I thought long and hard on the
subject. I found the first part of document amongst some papers at home, and some of the
details reflected what had happened back in the 1980,s to me personally and my immediate
family.
My family were extremely fortunate to have my mother and father living next door to us. And
both Joan and I, and our family have some very treasured memories of them both. Mum was
the unfortunate victim of a road accident in May 1984, and died as a result aged 83. Only a
few days before I was splitting and stacking wood with her, a cherished moment in both our
lives.
We still miss her, but try and perpetuate her approach to life’s problems as she would have
done with an open mind, and good advice when asked for.

So it is on with the show.

Choose thy love. Love thy choice. (Deep, and meaningful)

- anonymous Proverb

Why is it that we can be so kind, tolerant, and loving to people we barely know and so
demanding, cold, and downright mean to those who are closest to us? Somehow by virtue of
daily exposure, all the wonderful traits in your beloved that attracted you in the first place
become invisible, and every flaw and imperfection looms large. We get so focused on all that
we want from our partner but don't have that we can't see the beautiful person who is
available to us in this present moment.

One way to improve your relationships is to send a loving, grateful thought to the other
person/s every time you feel yourself getting annoyed or angry. Instead of saying "Why can't
you every think of anything interesting to do?" try focusing on "I love the way he treats people
so gently." Appreciating the good makes the good blossom!

Be reminded that noticing what your love is a mental habit anyone can learn. Think about a
person and find five things that you love about them; the shape of their hands, their big blue
eyes, their generosity with material objects, their sense of humour, the way they speak to their
kids, etc. Practice will bring this ability home. Become an expert at switching from negative to
positive when you find yourself on a mental rant about your mate, and see what happens in
your life.

Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other
people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men’s souls, and a beautiful
image it is.

They just had to surface didn’t they. The Blonde Jokes.

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour
suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his
tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our
blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbour suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend
couldn't tell them apart. The neighbour suggested she measure the horses for height. When

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she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black
one.

A blond is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the
gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the
car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can
attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten
minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring. The blond
outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the
car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!!"

Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down siding would reach into
her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other
blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I
throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The
second blonde got completely pissed off and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward
you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a
coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with
the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said
anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the
redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being
revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those
other two girls used their arms.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair.
She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun and, the next day she comes home to find her
husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her,
"What's the special of the day?" "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last
bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he
noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour. The
man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through
the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked
the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s
as far as I got, too.”

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A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in
the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water. After a while the
boy came up to his mother and said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than
yours!" The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went
back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a
lot bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the
dumber they are... " so the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back
to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever
saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."

A man, on his way home from work, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer
walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Officer what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "John Howard is just so depressed about his
personal life - the thought of moving with Janette back to Lane Cove and the state of
disruption amongst his natives that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway
and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family
hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations. We're taking
up a collection for him." "Oh really? How much have you got so far?" "About three hundred
litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous

woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual
statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's
yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps wife on the shoulder and
starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy..........Other times I let her sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...........not screaming and yelling like the
passengers in his car.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

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Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie'......until you can find a brick.

Jesus loves you..........everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail..........and succeed..........which have you done?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "ass-teroids"?

The main reason Santa Claus is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think of story and
then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand: "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one
Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The
teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Mary ... "well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ... teacher
asks for the moral of the story... Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched" Last is little Chris ... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war, his lane was shot
down over enemy territory - he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a
machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he
landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but
ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete
broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks
if there is possibly any moral to his story... Chris replies, "Don't f--- about with my Uncle."

I was in the Golden Wing Club last week en route to Sydney. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed
Kerry Packer sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very
important client who was also flying to Sydney with me but she was running a bit late. Being a
'more front than Myers' type of guy, I approached Mr Packer and introduced myself. I
explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would
appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Peter" at me when I was with my client. He
agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It
was Kerry Packer. I turned around and looked up at him. He said "G'day Peter, good to see
you" to which I replied "Piss off Packer, can’t you see I'm in a meeting".

A Most Interesting Proposal

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when
an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man
entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The
young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
no matter how unusual?, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to
tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from
her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked
deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

...

...

...

...

. . ."Clean my house."

Caption for picture: Guess who?

Every area of trouble gives out a ray of hope; and the one unchangeable certainty
is that nothing is certain or unchangeable.
--John Fitzgerald Kennedy (Quote of the week.)
There is only one place in the world
this could happen.
Bet you wouldn’t run the red lights
here.

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An Elderly couple visited the doctor for their annual medical exam. The old bloke first and
when the Doc had finished he asked the man if he had any concerns about his health. The
old fella said " Well when the missus and I have sex for the first time I get all hot and sweaty,
but the second time I end up freezing cold. The Doctor is mystified and says he'll do some
research and let him know. Having finished his exam of the wife he mentions her husbands
concern about the sex in their lifes. "Silly old bugger. The first time is in December and the
second time in June.

Three women talking of there husbands performance as lovers. First says "My husband
is a marriage counsellor and brings me flowers and chocolates before we make love, and
I like that" The second says "My husband is a dock labourer, and some times plays rough
and slaps me around, I like that" Third one comments " My husband works for
Microsoft. He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I
get it"

A ten year old State school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. His
mum and dad did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, peer assistance,
CD-ROMs, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.

Finally, giving up they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny.

At the end of the first day of school the boy walked in with a stern expression on his face, and
walked right past the parents and went straight to his room -and quietly closed the door. For
nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -with math books strewn about his desk and the
surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate,
he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until
bedtime.

The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him
losing this new found fervour, so they seemingly ignored it. This pattern continued
ceaselessly.

One day the first quarter report card came out. Unopened, he dropped the envelope on the
family dinner table and went straight to his room.

His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the
letter, and to her amazement she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATHS.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable
progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy
shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope,"
said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."

"How so?" asked his mum.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those
people meant business!"
A taxi driver dies and goes to heaven and upon
reaching the pearly gates he announces his
presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his
Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby,
St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a
golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

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A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings
with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in
the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in but take that
plain cloth robe and the wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab
driver a golden staff and a silken robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby!"

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you
preached, people slept; when the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
Gavin and Sarah are travelling by car from Townsville to Sydney.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to
stop for a rest. They stopped at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only planned to sleep
for about four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. Gavin
explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the
clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a
huge conference centre that were available for Gavin and his wife to use. He also explains
they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

"The best entertainers from Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, the Gold Coast, and Perth perform
here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, Gavin replies, "Bugger it man, we didn't use it!
We just used the room!"

"It was here and you could have!" exclaims the manager

Realizing the manager is not going to concede, Gavin gives up and pays the manager for the
room. He writes a cheque and hands it to him.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this cheque is only
made out for $100."

"That's right," says Gavin. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," Gavin says, "she was here, and you could have!"

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 Is this the answer to an
age old problem.

So OK all you male hero’s,

never let it be said that I
don’t dish out a serve or two
to our gender.
It is an undisputed fact
that when man goes to a
urinal his aim is for relief,
not where the stream is
going.
To this end Amsterdam’s
male urinals have come up
with the almost perfect
answer. 80% perfect.
Now “What’s that fly doing
in the bowl, maybe Ill flush
it down the gurgler!” Nice
try buster.
Only trouble is to do that he
would be there from now till
eternity as the fly is etched
into the porcelain.
Talk about pointing Percy at
the porcelain. Maybe there
is something in the saying
after all.
OK girls you have the wood
on us there, but remember
some one has developed
urinals for women as well. Yes a stand up job right next to the guys. Should prove
interesting in the aim department and what about the difference in the drip dry and
shake dry scenario. Also remember the gender equality issue. Interesting isn’t it?
Gee, the things that crop up and quite frankly they are scary. Over the past few years
television viewers and women’s magazines have been bombarding us with women’s health
care. Yes and the men are copping it to.
Breast Cancer is one of the highest killers of the female gender alongside heart disease.
Men, don’t get the idea that heart disease is the only thing that can put you inside four pine
boards either. Prostate Cancer is just waiting for the unsuspecting, or the unwilling in the
main.
The message is to both genders is. Please no matter how old you are, have that
mammogram, or prostate check at least every twelve months. It may save your life. The men
have a thing about digital examinations maybe a bit embarrassing the first time, but that is
only one option, a blood test is another.
The image that I have included on this
page is warning enough to the ladies. Is
this what you want? I think not. We as
husbands, companions, and if you will
lovers value you more than to see you in
this position.
A frightening prospect isn’t it. As you can
plainly see this woman had let things go

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too far, in fact a total mastectomy may save her life, or at the very least prolong her life in the
short term.

Who said I produce something worth while once in a while. The “Old Goat” can come up
with the good, the bad and the ugly as the song title suggests. Even some good advice on
occasions.

Get the toilet paper!

Not what one would like to see in a rear view mirror, friend or foe.

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept
sticking her nose into other people's business. Most members were unappreciative of
her activities, but feared her enough to maintain silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his Utility parked in front of the town's only bottle shop one
afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would
know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't
explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his
utility in front of Sarah's house... and left it there all night.

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Queensland.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

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8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a carton - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the pub
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, bugger dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and omen
20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
21. Roseanne looks good.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Politicians shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
27. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and
wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the years. Because of your concern:

- I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and rust.
- I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the makers are atheists who refuse
to put "Under God" on their cans.
- I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat
faeces and urine.
- I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
- I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
- I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on
a hot day.
- I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and try to rob me.
- I no longer receive packages from The Salvo’s or Lifeline since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
- I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
Australian troops.
- I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will
turn me gay.
- I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.
- I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave
me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
- I no longer have a cell phone - but that will change once I receive my new
Ericcson phone.
- I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

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- I no longer buy expensive Biscuits from Arnots since I now have their recipe.
- I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me.
- I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the
hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time.
- I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Microsoft, GMail, and Yahoo are sending me since I participated in their
special e-mail program.

Are these the same

characters that inspired
John Williamson to write
his classic Australian
Country song about running
the pants off an emu?

Well good people that is it

for this week. I’ve just
found a patch of
blackberries that need my
undivided attention. Think
about it.

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