SCRIPT

Book by: Dan Elish and Robert Horn

Music by: Jason Robert Brown

NAME:____________________________________________________

CHARACTER:____________________________________________
 13 MUSICAL NUMBERS
1. Thirteen………………………………………………………...……………………….3
1a. Becoming a Man…………………………………………………….……………….5
1b. Thirteen-Coda……………………………………………………….…………….….5
1c. Indiana Transition……………………………………….………………………….6
2. The Lamest Place in the World……………………………..…………………..7
3. Hey Kendra…………………………………………………………………..…………8
3a. Invitations……………………………………………………………………..……...11
4. Get Me What I Need……………………………………………..………………..13
4a. Kendra Dream………………………………………………………………………14
4b. Get Me What I Need Coda………………………………………………..…….15
5. Opportunity……………………………………………………………………….…16
6. What It Means To Be A Friend…………………..…………………..……….17
7. All Hail The Brain…………………………………………………………………..19
7a. Terminal Illness…………………………………………………………………….20
7b. All Hail the Brain Coda……………………………………………………...……21
8. Getting Ready……………………………………………………………………..…22
9. Any Minute…………………………………………………………………..….…....25
10. Good Enough……………………………………………………………….…..……28
11. Being a Geek……………………………………..…………………..………………29
12. Bad Bad News…………………..…………………………………..………………31
13. Tell Her…………………………………………………………………..……………34
13a. Transition……………………………………………………………..……………..35
14. It Can’t Be True……………………………………………………………….……36
15. If That’s What It Is………………………………………………….…………….40
16. A Little More Homework To Do….………………………….……..……….42
17. Brand New You………………………………………………………………….…44
18. Bows……………………………………..……………………………………………..45

2
 ACT ONE
SCENE 1

EVAN: I’m Evan Goldman, I live at 224 west 92nd street, in the heart of Manhattan. And my life is over.

#1 – Thirteen

PICTURE ME, JUST ANOTHER COOL KID IN NYC, NEAR THE PARK AND THE MET.
LIFE IS SWEET, YANKEES IN THE BRONX, PRETZELS ON THE STREET,
JUST HOW GOOD CAN IT GET?
WHO’D HAVE GUESSED DAD WOULD MEET A STEWARDESS?
MOM’S DEPRESSED AND HER LAWYERS ARE MEAN
NOW I’M STRESSED, LIFE IS A DISASTER
AND I’M CRACKING FROM THE STRAIN, GOING TOTALLY INSANE
AND I’M JUST ABOUT TO TURN
JUST ABOUT TO TURN, JUST ABOUT TO TURN
EVAN and KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: EVERYTHING SWITCHES
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: EVERYTHING TURNS AROUND
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: END UP IN STITCHES
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: HIDE A WAY UNDERGROUND
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: CAN I GET THROUGH IT?
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: LIFE HAS CHANGED OVER NIGHT
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: HOW DO I DO IT?
KIDS: THIRTEEN!
EVAN: NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT
ALL: THE BEST AND THE WORST AND THE MOST AND THE LEAST
AND THE CRAZY AND THE SCARY AND I’M STANDING ON THE EDGE!
EVAN: Okay. You wanna talk about turning 13? It’s a nightmare. I’ve got hair growing in places, I didn’t
even know were places. And do you see this? (He points to a pimple on his chin.) What did I do to deserve
that?! But the worst part is that my parents are splitting up. I’ve got one good thing happening this whole year.
My Bar Mitzvah. The event that defines you. The Jewish Super Bowl!
DUNCAN: Hey Evan, you’ve got to have a major party!
BRAYDEN: I heard Zach Farber’s dad is hiring Jay-Z to free style over his Haftorah. We iz totally gonna kick
it Old Shul!
QUINTON: My mom is having our invites printed on money!
BEN: For my Bar Mitzvah, my family rented out Carnegie Hall.
SLOAN: Hey Evan. For your Bar Mitzvah, I’ve got a very special present for you.
BOYS: Dude!!!
3
EVAN: (to audience) I don’t care how much my parents hate each other. They’d better pull it together and
make sure everything about this party is absolutely, positively, for once, please God, perfect!

EVAN: TWELVE YEARS OLD, EVERYTHING THAT USED TO BE AS GOOD AS GOLD

STARTS TO CRUMBLE AND CRACK
EVAN, SIMON & RICHIE: PRESSURE MOUNTS, ONCE IT WAS A JOKE, NOW IT REALLY
COUNTS AND THERE’S NO TURNING BACK
EVAN, CASSIE, & CHARLOTTE: LIFE GOES WRONG
QUINTON: SUDDENLY THEY’RE YELLING CAUSE YOUR HAIR’S TOO LONG
CADY: OR YOUR ROOM ISN’T CLEAN
ALL: ROLL ALONG
EVAN: EVERY CONVERSATION IS ANOTHER LOST CAUSE OR A LIST OF MY FLAWS
AND I’M JUST ABOUT TO TURN
ALL: JUST ABOUT TO TURN
WOW, I’M GONNA TURN
THIRTEEN!
ABBY: I WANT A DIRT BIKE
ALL: THIRTEEN!
AVA: I WANT TO KILL MY MOM
ALL: THIRTEEN!
DUNCAN: I WANT A MUSTACHE!
ALL: THIRTEEN!
AUDREY: I WANT A WONDER BRA
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: WHEN DO I GET IT?
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: ALL OF THE GROWN-UP STUFF’
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: HOW WILL I MAKE IT?
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: WHEN AM I OLD ENOUGH?
ALL: WHY IS THE WORLD FEELING SUDDENLY STRANGER?
WHY ARE MY FRIENDS ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS IN DANGER?
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE MY BRAIN DISAPPEARED?
HARPER: HOW CAN I GET THROUGH A YEAR OF SPANISH?
EMMA FEHR: HOW CAN I NOT LOOK DUMB IN TRACK?
SIMON: HOW CAN I GAIN 20 POUNDS BY FRIDAY?
QUINTON: HOW CAN I MAKE MY VOICE NOT CRACK?
ALL: I WANNA FLY, WANNA RUN, WANNA DRIVE
WANNA GET RICH, WANNA GET KNOWN, WANNA GET OUT
WANNA GET MY BRACES OFF, WANNA GET MY NOSE PIERCED
WANNA GROW MY HAIR LONG, BUT ALL I KEEP HEARING IS
NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET!
NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER!
NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET!
4
 NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER!
NO, YOU’RE NOT READY! NO, IT’S NOT TIME YET!
NO, IT’S NOT RIGHT NOW! WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLDER!
HOMEWORK, LAUNDRY, DISHES, COURSES
JUST SETTLE DOWN AND HOLD YOUR HORSES!
(dance break)

#1a – Becoming A Man

EVAN: I’M BECOMING A MAN

I DON’T KNOW WHAT A MAN REALLY MEANS
THE RULE BOOK GROWS, BUT NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT ALL THE RULES ALLOW
I’M BECOMING A MAN
NO ONE TELLS ALL THE SCARED IN-BETWEENS
JUST HOW WE SHOULD BE STRONG, BE GOOD
WITH SO MUCH PRESSURE NOW
ONE DAY IT GETS BETTER
ONE DAY IT MAKES SENSE
ONE DAY I’LL STOP TALKING IN THE FRIGGIN’ FUTURE TENSE
ONE DAY IN OCTOBER
IT’LL ALL BE GREAT
AND I CAN’T WAIT
I CAN’T WAIT
I CAN’T WAIT

#1b – Thirteen-Coda

KAYLEE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY

EDEN: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
EMMA DAGGETT: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
EMMA UNREIN & MACIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
GWYNETH & ANNA: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
GUYS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
SOPRANOS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
ALTOS: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR…
ALL: PARTY!
I CAN’T WAIT! I CAN’T WAIT!
CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT
CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT
CANT WAIT FOR THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS COMING
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS GOING UP
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
5
 ALTO/BASS: SOMETHING IS HUMMING
SOPRANO/TENOR: THIRTEEN!
ALTO/BASS: SOMEBODY’S GROWING UP!
ALL: THIRTEEN!
CHLOE: HEY, YEAHHH! (scat solo)
ALL: THIRTEEN!
CASSIE: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO (scat solo)
ALL: THIRTEEN!
MADDIE: HEY, YEAH, YEAH, HEY, YEAH (scat solo)
ALL: THIRTEEN!
CHARLOTTE: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH (scat solo)
ALL: THE BEST AND THE WORST
AND THE MOST AND THE LEAST
AND THE CRAZY AND THE SCARY
AND WE’RE JUST ABOUT TO TURN
THIRTEEN!
(Big finish. All KIDS are around EVAN. His phone rings. He answers it.)
EVAN: Hey mom, what’s up? What? You never said anything about moving! Where? INDIANA?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

#1c – Indiana Transition

(As though a tornado were ripping through the theater, the entire set suddenly rips apart and all the
KIDS disappear. When the chaos subsides, EVAN is alone on a windy plain with farmhouses in the
distance; He has landed in the open, Indiana bleakness. He stands there in shock, takes a beat, then
turns to the audience.)

SCENE 2

EVAN: Appleton, Indiana. No, seriously. My parents split up, my life falls apart, and now I’m in a town where
UFO’s go to refuel!
(PATRICE, a somewhat eccentric and bookish girl, enters and joins EVAN.)
PATRICE: Let me get this straight: your Mom decides to move to Appleton because her cousin Pam lives
here?
EVAN: (to audience) At least there’s someone around here I can talk to. My next door neighbor, Patrice. (back
to PATRICE) Yup.
PATRICE: Wow. Sounds like the divorce got ugly.
EVAN: Ugly? My Dad totally ruined our lives, and my mom’s a mess. She went around the apartment cutting
his head out of all the photos.
PATRICE: No!
EVAN: With her teeth!
PATRICE: No!!
EVAN: She tells me we’re leaving New York, but then says, “It’s your decision,” which we all know is mom
talk for “You’re coming with me!” So she drags me away from my home and all my friends and now I have to
have my Bar Mitzvah in Appleton, Indiana!
PATRICE: If it’s so awful, just don’t have it.

6
 EVAN: Yeah right. Try telling that to my Mom. For Jews, your Bar Mitzvah is the one day everything in your
life is supposed to be happy and perfect.
PATRICE: See, Catholics don’t have that day. It would go against everything we believe in.
EVAN: Besides, how hot your party is totally sets up how popular you’ll be. So I need this one to be the best!
The best DJ in the best ballroom at the best hotel…
PATRICE: …which is The Best Western.
EVAN: Ugh. Come on, Patrice. There’s got to be someplace in this town.
PATRICE: Sorry, but your choices are like my life here: limited.
EVAN: Limited to what?
PATRICE: Well, um, okay.

#2 – The Lamest Place In The World

PATRICE: DOWN THE ROAD, THERE’S A DAIRY QUEEN
UP THE BLOCK, THERE’S A WALMART
THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN ACCESSORIZE YOUR PETS
A SCHOOL, A TREE, A COUPLE OF CHURCHES
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD ANYBODY SEARCHES
THAT’S ABOUT AS THRILLING AS THIS LOSER VILLAGE GETS
IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
BUT IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
SO DON’T DISAPPEAR
IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
BUT I’M PRETTY SURE
IT’S NOT AS LAME AS IT WAS BEFORE
NOW THAT YOU’RE HERE
EVAN: Patrice, that can’t be everything. There’s gotta be more to do around here.
PATRICE: The cow tipping takes up a lot of our time.
EVAN: And when that’s done…?
FORTY MILES TO THE NEAREST RIVER
SIXTY MILES TO THE AIRPORT
WHEN WE PLAN OUR ESCAPE, THAT’S WHERE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE
IT’S A SHAME, IT’S A SHAM, IT’S A TERRIBLE PITY
YOU GOT DRAGGED AWAY FROM NEW YORK CITY
IT’S MAJOR SUCK FOR YOU BUT IT’S AMAZING LUCK FOR ME
IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
BUT IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
I’M HAPPY TO SAY
IT’S THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
YOU’RE COMPLETELY EXOTIC
INTELLECTUAL NEUROTIC
YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE A SHOT EXCEPT
YOU’VE FOUND THE PERFECT GUIDE
AND THOUGH I DON’T REALLY KNOW YOU
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SHOW YOU
EVERY FAKE AND FREAK
7
 EVERY FOOL AND CLOWN
SINCE THE CHIPPEWA SETTLED THIS STUPID TOWN
LET AND LAUGH, THEY WON’T KEEP ME DOWN
WITH YOU BY MY SIDE
AND IT JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
AMAZING BUT TRUE
YES, THE LAMEST PLACE IN THE WORLD
HAS LOTS OF FLAWS
BUT MAYBE IT’LL BE FINE BECAUSE
IT BROUGHT ME TO YOU!
EVAN: Uh…Patrice?
PATRICE: (Coming out of her trance.) I better get back home. But later I’ll show you the hillside where
everyone waits for the alien invasion.
(PATRICE smiles and walks off. EVAN turns to the audience.)
EVAN: Maybe it’ll all work out. Patrice is great, my mom’s awake and weaning herself off the meds, and I’ll
totally be set up here, if I can get just get all the coolest kids to come to my party.
(Enter BRETT, MALCOLM, and EDDIE in the midst of a conversation. BRETT is the prototypical
junior high football star. Cool, handsome, and not quite as smart as a postage stamp. EDDIE and
MALCOLM are his goons. Two wannabes who flank him constantly.)
BRETT: Okay guys, listen up.
EVAN: …Like Brett Sampson! Look at him! He’s the star quarterback, he’s got a pool in his backyard, and
like eight million friends. If he comes to my Bar Mitzvah, everyone comes.
BRETT: Kendra is going to be here any minute. We have to get this right. What have you got for me?
EDDIE: Check it out, yo! We on it.
MALCOLM: One, two, three-
EDDIE: Here we go-

#3 – Hey Kendra

EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA

BRETT: (Spoken to an imaginary KENDRA) Hey Kendra-

EDDIE & MALCOLM: I’VE BEEN THINKING

BRETT: I’ve been thinking.

EDDIE, & MALCOLM: I GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA, GOTTA, GET WIT’CHOO.

BRETT: So true.

EDDIE & MALCOLM: I WANNA GET UP ALL IN YO’ BIDNESS, GIRL

BRETT: …bidness…

EDDIE & MALCOLM: AND MAKE YOU FEEL REAL FINE

BRETT: Real fine, not fake fine.

8
 EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA!

BRETT: Hey Kendra.

EDDIE & MALCOLM: COME CLOSER

BRETT: Much closer.

EDDIE & MALCOLM: I GOT MYSELF A BRAND NEW PLAYSTATION

BRETT: …Wait, what?

EDDIE: WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE?

MALCOLM: AND WE’LL BEAT THOSE BAD GUYS ALL NIGHT LONG!

BRETT: Okay stop! Video games? Yeah, not gonna work.

EDDIE: Yeah, so gonna work! It’s double edge…
EDDIE & MALCOLM: …smoooooooth.
BRETT: Girls don’t care about video games. I need something sensitive. (EDDIE, MALCOLM & BRETT
shudder) If I don’t at least pretend to be romantic, I’ll never get the tongue!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: (with wonderment) The tongue!
EDDIE: Where are you going to take her Brett?
BRETT: You two didn’t set something up? Eddie. Malcolm. I’ve very disappointed. (They hang their heads in
shame.) There’s gotta be a place that sets the mood right. Come on, guys…
EVAN: (to audience) Great! It’s clear I can do something better than Brett.
BRETT: Think!!!
EVAN: (to audience) Exactly! (to BRETT) Hey Brett! How about taking her to a scary movie? She’ll get
terrified, inch her way closer, open her mouth to scream and your tongue will just get sucked in with the jet
stream!
BRETT: Whoa!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: Whoa!
BRETT: A scary movie! Who is this guy?
EVAN: I’m Evan Goldman. From New York.
BRETT: New York? Whoa! I’m gonna call you…Brain!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: Brain!
EVAN: Brain it is!
EDDIE: (EDDIE sees KENDRA & LUCY approaching) Incoming! Kendra, three o’clock!
(KENDRA enters. She’s not only the prettiest and most popular girl in school, She’s also the most
oblivious. )
BRETT: Hey Kendra. (LUCY, KENDRA’s best friend, comes running in and steps in front of KENDRA.
LUCY, as a rule, is not to be trusted. BRETT deflates in seeing this action.) Oh, hi Lucy.
LUCY: Brett, wow, lucky us, running into you when I’m looking so fine.
BRETT: (pushing past LUCY) Kendra, you look amazing.
KENDRA: Thanks! I almost didn’t wear this, but then I thought, (as if having a life changing epiphany) No.
wear it!
BRETT: Here we go!
MALCOLM: 1, 2, 3-
EDDIE: Get shizzy… (Music starts.)

9
BRETT: Kendra, there’s something I wanna ask you…
LUCY: Oh great.

EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA

BRETT: (suddenly he’s Barry White) Hey Kendra.

EDDIE & MALCOLM: I’VE BEEN THINKING

BRETT: I’ve been thinking.

ALL THREE: I WANNA SPEND A LITTLE SPECIAL TIME WITH YOU

KENDRA: Aw!

ALL THREE: I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO A MOVIE, GIRL

BRETT: Friday night.
EDDIE, & MALCOLM: DOWN AT THE MALL
KENDRA: It’s perfect!
LUCY: No it isn’t.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA
BRETT: Hey, Kendra.
EDDIE & MALCOLM: DON’T BE NERVOUS
BRETT: Trust me baby
EDDIE & MALCOLM: WE’RE GONNA GET SOME POPCORN AND SOME RAISINETTES
BRETT: Chocolate covered.
MALCOLM: TELL YOUR MAMA NOT TO WORRY GIRL
EDDIE & MALCOLM: IT’S GONNA FEEL REAL FINE
KENDRA: Yay!
LUCY: (interrupting) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU CAN’T GO TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY NIGHT
EDDIE & MALCOLM: NO, NO, SHE CAN’T DO IT
LUCY: I SAID SHE CAN’T GO
EDDIE & MALCOLM: UH-UH NO WAY
LUCY: ‘CAUSE YOU ALREADY COMMITTED TO DO THAT THING!
KENDRA: (mystified) WHAT THING?
LUCY: THAT THING!
KENDRA: WHAT THING?
LUCY: THAT THING YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO ON FRIDAY!
KENDRA: THERE IS NO THING!
LUCY: YES THERE IS, KENDRA!
KENDRA: I’M GOING TO THE MOVIES FRIDAY NIGHT WITH BRETT!
LUCY: NO, YOU’RE NOT! DON’T CONTRADICT ME IN PUBLIC, KENDRA!
WE’LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER
KENDRA: FINE!
(The GIRLS smile at the BOYS)
BRETT, EDDIE, & MALCOLM: HEY KENDRA… I’M BEGGING…
BRETT: PLEASE GO TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY

10
 KENDRA: Sure, I’ll come!
LUCY: (grabbing her and dragging her offstage) We so majorly have to talk! (They exit)
BRETT, EDDIE, & MALCOLM: OOH, BABY, WE SO GOOOOOOD! (high fives)
MALCOLM: YOU GONNA GET ALL UP IN HER BIDNESS, YO!
BRETT: Nice work, Brain. I’ll see you when school starts!
(BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE exit. EVAN turns to audience.)
EVAN: “I’ll see you when school starts!” I’m so in with Brett! Which means everyone’s gonna come to my
party… (PATRICE enters)…which is going to be amazing, thanks to all your help. Let’s get to school so I can
pass out my invites.
PATRICE: Evan, wait. Before you pass them out…If those guys know I’m coming, there won’t be a party.
I’ve been trying to tell you for the last month, they hate me.
EVAN: Patrice, come on. What makes you think they hate you?
PATRICE: They write “we hate you” on my locker. Look, I don’t read what they read, watch what they
watch, shop where they shop or think like they think, and neither do you. Trust me, you should stay away from
those guys.
EVAN: This town isn’t about people like you and me. It’s about people like them. We can’t just hide away.
PATRICE: Yes we can.
EVAN: Besides, they don’t know you like I know you. And you’re with me now. Come on. I have a good
feeling about our first day at (to the audience meaningfully) Dan Quayle Junior High.

SCENE 3

#3a – Invitations

(The school drops in. Students arrive and break into cliques. EVAN and PATRICE arrive last. BRETT
sees EVAN come in.)

BRETT: Hey! It’s the Brain!

(EVAN passes out invitations. First to BRETT, MALCOLM, & EDDIE, the gradually to others.)

EVAN: (to audience) I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER WHEN THE PIECES ALL WILL FIT.
WHEN I’M FINALLY ACCEPTED AND MY PARTY IS A HIT.
I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER, AND I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE….

RICHIE: A bra what?

CASSIE: Like, okay, so what is a Barf- Matzaah anyway?
LUCY: It’s this weird Jewish thing where they make you talk backwards and everyone gets circumcised.
ALL (EXCEPT EVAN & PATRICE): (with disgust) Oh.
SIMON: Not cool Brain.
EVAN: No, no, no! It’s a party. With a hot DJ and wild dancing.
(The KIDS all look to BRETT.)
BRETT: That might be cool.
CHARLOTTE: Count me in.
MOLLY: I’ll be there.

11
 EVAN: (to audience) I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER
AND IT’S GOTTA BE JUST RIGHT. (LUCY sees PATRICE holding an invitation.)

LUCY: Hold on. Is the freak coming?

EVAN: Patrice?
MOLLY: Yeah. ‘Cause if she comes, we’re so snubbing.
CHARLOTTE: Won’t be there.
CASSIE: Count me out.
EVAN: Come on. What’s wrong with Patrice?
BRETT: She’ll be there.
LUCY: And we won’t.
MALCOLM: And if they don’t go, we don’t go.
EDDIE: Get it?
PATRICE: I told you. Come on, Evan.
EVAN: Guys, you got it wrong…
BRETT: Make up your mind, Brain. It’s either us…or her. (BRETT takes the invitation from PATRICE and
gives it back to EVAN.) Up to you.

(EVERYONE freezes. EVAN turns to audience.)

EVAN: I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER AND IF I DON’T GET IT DOWN,
THEN IT’S ONE MORE HUGE DISASTER LIKE MY PARENTS, LIKE THIS TOWN.
I’VE GOT ONE DAY IN OCTOBER, I CAN MAKE IT TO OCTOBER,
BUT IT’S REALLY GOTTA BE THE PERFECT PARTY, THE PERFECT PARTY!

(EVAN makes a decision- he hands the invitation to PATRICE. BRETT and the others turn disgustedly
to walk away.)

EVAN: Wait! (In a panic EVAN reaches, takes back the invitation and rips it in half.)
BRETT: (to crowd) See what I told you? He is the Brain!

(There is a group cheer. PATRICE walks away, humiliated and reeling from the betrayal.)

BRETT: (to EVAN) I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY

LUCY: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
SIMON & RICHIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
EDDIE & CHARLOTTE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
MOLLY & MALCOLM: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
BRETT, KENDRA & LUCY: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
SIMON & CASSIE: I CAN’T WAIT TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
ALL: PARTY!

(During the preceding lines, ARCHIE has entered. His energy and look are unlike anything else on
stage, and He walks on crutches as the result of muscular dystrophy.)

ARCHIE: What party?

(The other KIDS ignore ARCHIE and go on about their business.)

12
 ALL KIDS (EXCEPT ARCHIE & EVAN): I CAN’T WAIT! I CAN’T WAIT!
CAN’T WAIT! CAN’T WAIT! CAN’T WAIT,
CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT, CAN’T WAIT FOR THIRTEEN!
THIRTEEN
THIRTEEN
THIRTEEN!
THIRTEEN!

(The KIDS all dance offstage leaving EVAN looking for PATRICE. ARCHIE tries to get his attention.)

ARCHIE: Oh, hi! You’re the new kid, right?

EVAN: (looking around) Oh, yeah, hi. I’m Evan.
ARCHIE: I’m Archie. I pass by your house every morning when you’re waiting for the bus. See, I’m on the
special needs bus. ‘Cause of my crutches.
EVAN: Bummer…
ARCHIE: It’s okay, at least nobody makes fun of me on the special needs bus. That’d be ironic.
EVAN: So, it’s been really great meeting you, Archie…
ARCHIE: Are you looking for Patrice?
EVAN: You know Patrice?
ARCHIE: Sure, she’s like my best friend. Also my only friend.
EVAN: Do you know where she is?
ARCHIE: Why? Do you want to do something else to publicly humiliate her and ruin her life?
EVAN: Oh… you know about that, huh?
ARCHIE: Yeah, it’s already on YouTube. But I think I can help.
EVAN: Really? That’d be amazing. I’d totally owe you.
ARCHIE: And then, you can do something for me? A deal of sorts.
EVAN: (tentative) Wait a second, what kind of deal?
ARCHIE: A small deal. A no-big-deal deal. I need a date.
EVAN: Uh. Okay. And is there anyone specific you want a date with?
ARCHIE: Kendra.
EVAN: Kendra? Are you crazy?!
ARCHIE: She wants me.
EVAN: Come on. There’s no way I can get Kendra to go out with you.
ARCHIE: Fine, then. I’ll just cozy up next to her at your Bar Mitzvah, and before long I will be attending to
her special needs.
EVAN: Okay, first of all, YUCK. And second of all, I don’t remember inviting you to my Bar Mitzvah.
ARCHIE: Do I really need an invitation? You think your mother would throw Tiny Tim out on to the street?
And so close to Christmas?
EVAN: Archie, I’ve really gotta go find Patrice. (EVAN starts to head off.)
ARCHIE: I understand. Even though it’s a sick boy’s dying wish, I don’t want you to feel any pressure…
(EVAN stops cold. With enormous reluctance, he turns back to face ARCHIE.)
EVAN: Dying?
ARCHIE: Oh, did that slip out?
EVAN: Really? You’re dying?
ARCHIE: I have a terminal degenerative neuromuscular disorder.
EVAN: Look, I feel terrible, really, but I can’t get you a date with Kendra. I do one stupid thing, and suddenly
I’m exiled to the loser table for the rest of my life. I’m on major probation here!

13
#4 – Get Me What I Need

ARCHIE: There’s exactly one person in this school who can help me, and that person is you!

THERE’S THE COOL KIDS

THERE’S THE PREPS AND THERE’S THE SKATE PUNKS AND THE JOCKS
AND THEN THERE’S ME
THERE’S THE LOSERS
THERE’S THE NERDS AND THERE’S THE STONERS AND THE GOTHS
AND THEN THERE’S ME
BUT THEN THERE’S YOU
CAUSE YOU’RE THE NEW KID IN THE SCHOOL
YOU’RE NOT DEFINED BY ONE SPECIFIC BREED
AND SOYOU’RE FREE TO FLIT FROM GROUP TO GROUP
FROM SCENE TO SCENE
CAUSE YOU’RE THE CONDULATE, THE MEDIUM, THE GO-BETWEEN
WHICH MEANS YOU’RE PERFECTLY POSITIONED TO GET ME WHAT I NEED
(BRETT enters catching a football, slowly followed by MALCOLM & EDDIE.)
BRETT: Yo Brain! That guy? Not cool. (BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE exit.)
EVAN: (to BRETT) Got it! Thanks. (to ARCHIE) Look, Archie, I’m the wrong guy for this.
ARCHIE: One date, that’s all I’m asking.
EVAN: Isn’t there some nice girl on the special needs bus?
ARCHIE: THEY DON’T LIKE ME
EVEN BACK BEFORE THE CRUTCHES, IT WAS CLEAR I DON’T FIT HERE
SO IT’S HOPELESS
I CAN’T WALK RIGHT UP TO KENDRA AND SAY ‘HEY’
SHE’D RUN AWAY
BUT LOOK AT YOU
YOU’RE MAKING FRIENDS AND HAVING PARTIES
AND ADAPTING AT IMPRESSIVE SPEED
JUST TWENTY MINUTES AS WE’RE SITTING SO OUR KNEES COULD TOUCH
YES, IT’S A TINY INCONVENIENCE, BUT IT MEANS SO MUCH
CAUSE OUT OF ALL OF INDIANA, YOU CAN GET ME WHAT I NEED
EVAN: It’s impossible!

#4a- Kendra Dream

ARCHIE: AND WHAT I NEED IS KENDRA!

BOYS: KENDRA, KENDRA!
ARCHIE: BEAUTIFUL KENDRA!
BOYS: KENDRA, KENDRA!
ARCHIE: WONDERFUL KENDRA!
MAKE HER APPEAR!
ARCHIE & BOYS: IF YOU WANT A GIRL, THE GIRL YOU WANT IS
ARCHIE: KENDRA!
14
 GIRLS: KENDRA, KENDRA
ARCHIE: VERY HOT, KENDRA!
BOYS: VERY HOT, VERY HOT
ARCHIE: GO TELL KENDRA
I’M WAITING HERE

#4b – Get Me What I Need Coda

HERE’S THE PROBLEM

EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECOND THAT I WAIT MIGHT BE TOO LATE
SO LET’S FACE IT,
IF I EVER HAD A CHANCE, THE TIME IS NOW, SO WHO CARES HOW
JUST DO YOUR BEST
AND I WON’T BOTHER YOU AGAIN AND THAT’S A PROMISE GUARANTEED
SO, YOU CAN HELP ME OUT AND WE CAN BOTH DO VERY WELL
OR I CAN TURN AROUND AND MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING…WELL!
IT’S UP TO YOU, YOU’VE GOT A CHOICE, YOU’VE GOT INCENTIVE TO SUCCEED
YES, I KNOW IT SOUNDS INSANE
JERRY LEWIS CAN EXPLAIN
YOU’VE GOT TO HELP ME, EVAN
HELP ME, EVAN, HELP ME, EVAN, HELP ME, EVAN
GET ME WHAT I NEED
EVAN: I’ll try!
ARCHIE: I knew you would.

SCENE 4

(They exit. School Bell rings. Transition to the school gymnasium. KENDRA, LUCY and all of the
girls except PATRICE are in a cheerleading practice. KENDRA is running the rehearsal while LUCY
is determinedly unenthusiastic.)

KENDRA: Okay, this is it. I just made it up last night, so it’s a little rough, but it’s soooooo good!

(KENDRA performs an elaborate, desperately over choreographed cheer.)

O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity. You’re never gonna break our unity.

O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity. You’re never gonna get the opportunity.
Gimme a B, gimme an R, gimme an E-T-T
What does it spell? Victory!

(KENDRA leaps into a split expecting applause.)

LUCY: It spells Brett.

KENDRA: Huh?
LUCY: That cheer. It spells Brett.
KENDRA: Oh. (She looks puzzled and defeated.)
CASSIE: Kendra, it’s awesome!
CHARLOTTE: Lucy’s just jealous that Brett asked you out instead of her.
15
 LUCY: Charlotte! That’s a total lie!
MOLLY: Is it…?
LUCY: Ugh. Let’s all just learn the stupid cheer.

#5 – Opportunity

KENDRA: All right! Let’s do it!

O-P-P-O-R-T!
GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T?
KENDRA: NO! O-P-P-O-R-T!
GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T!

(All of the GIRLS begin working on a cheerleading routine except for LUCY who stands apart. We
tunnel into LUCY’s brain as she sings the following.)

LUCY: BRETT WANTS KENDRA TO BE HIS GIRLFIREND

BUT BRETT IS THE BOY THAT I WANT TO BE WITH
I ONLY WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR MY BEST FRIEND
SO DO I WAIT ACTING FAKE ‘TIL SHE MAKES A MISTAKE,
OR DO I TAKE THE REWARD THAT I REALLY WANT TO TAKE
IF I PRAYED TO GOD AND CRIED A LITTLE, MAYBE HE’D PROVIDE A LITTLE
O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY
O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY
GIRLS: O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY
O-P-P--
LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
GIRLS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH
WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH
LUCY: OH WHAT A GOOD GIRL I COULD BE,
IF I ONLY HAD AN ITTY-BITTY OPPORTUNITY

(LUCY pulls KENDRA aside to talk.)

LUCY: Hey! I had an idea! Why don’t you go out with that kid Daniel from church?
KENDRA: You mean, while I’m going out with Brett?
LUCY: No, I mean instead of Brett.
KENDRA: But I’m already going out with Brett.
LUCY: Okay, the thing is, I’m just worried that you’re not ready. Brett’s the hottest boy in school. You need
to work your way up to a “Brett”.
KENDRA: You ARE jealous!
LUCY: I am not!
KENDRA: Lucy, you can go out with anyone you want.
LUCY: Shut up. I’m ugly.
KENDRA: Not everywhere.
LUCY: Look. Brett asked you to the movies for one reason only. He wants to do “The Tongue!”
KENDRA: The tongue?
16
LUCY: The Tongue! And trust me, you won’t like it.
KENDRA: But my mother says pretending you like it prepares you for marriage. (to the GIRLS) Come on
girls, let’s go!
(The GIRLS go back to practicing the cheer as we go back to LUCY’s thoughts.)
LUCY: I CAN SEE BEING BRETT’S NEW GIRLFRIEND
WE COULD BE KING AND QUEEN OF THIS SCHOOL
O-M-G, AND YOU KNOW THAT HE WANTS ME
BUT SINCE IT’S KENDRA HE ASKED, AND THERE’S NOTHING TO SAY
UNLESS I SCHEME AND I PLOT UNTIL SHE’S OUT OF THE WAY
IF IT DIDN’T MAKE ME HATE MYSELF,
I BET I COULD CREATE MYSELF A LITTLE
GIRLS: O-P-P
LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
GIRLS: O-P-P
LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
GIRLS: HEY-O! O-P-P, OPPORTUNITY! O-P-P
LUCY: OPPORTUNITY
GIRLS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH
WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH
LUCY: HOW WILL HE KNOW THAT HE REALLY WANTS ME
IF HE NEVER EVEN GETS A LITTLE OPPORTUNITY
KENDRA: Okay, come on! We do the cheer, then the cascade! Charlotte, you first, then Cassie, then Molly,
then the rest of you. Lucy, you catch me at the end.
LUCY: But that’s not how we usually...(an opportunity presents itself) Oooooooookay!
KENDRA: Here we go!
GIRLS: O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity! O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity!
O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity! O-P-P-O-R-T, Unity!
WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH! WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH!
WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH! WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH-OH!
(The GIRLS flip KENDRA, but just as LUCY is about to catch her, she lets KENDRA drop.)
LUCY: WHAT KIND OF BEST FRIEND WOULD I BE
IF I DIDN’T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF AN OPPORTUNITY

SCENE 5

(School bell rings. PATRICE is sitting in the library writing furiously in her diary. ARCHIE enters.
PATRICE sees him and immediately gets up to leave.
ARCHIE: Hey Patrice…wait.
PATRICE: I don’t want to talk now, Archie.
ARCHIE: It’s about Evan.
PATRICE: Especially about Evan.
ARCHIE: What he did, he really didn’t mean it.
PATRICE: Yeah. Ripping up my invitation in front of everyone who hates me isn’t what he meant.
ARCHIE: Come on. You know you really like him.
PATRICE: And why would you think that?
ARCHIE: You said, “I really like him.” But maybe I read that one wrong.
17
 PATRICE: Why are you sticking up for him?
ARCHIE: He’s a nice guy. He’s new. He made a mistake. And I think we’re going to be friends.
PATRICE: Good luck with that.
ARCHIE: Come on. Give him another chance.

#6 – What It MeansAnother
PATRICE: To Bechance?
A Friend
No, sorry. I’ve given “another chance” to every jerk in this town. I thought there
was something special about him. “Friend”. Please.
A FRIEND’S NOT A CHEAP LITTLE PHONY CREEP
OR A JERK TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL
A FRIEND IS A PERSON WHO, MOST OF ALL,
CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL
AND NOTHING IS HARDER
THAN LEARNING A FRIEND ISN’T REAL
A FRIEND SENDS NOTES BACK AND FORTH ALL DAY
AND DOESN’T CARE THAT YOU CAN’T SPELL
A FRIEND KNOWS YOU’VE GOT A CRUSH ON YOUR TEACHER,
BUT A FRIEND WOULD NEVER TELL
A FRIEND’S OUTSIDE WAITING
THE MINUTE YOU BOTH HEAR THE BELL
AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING
CAUSE THE WORLD IS JUST NOT FAIR
WHEN YOU’RE AT YOUR WORST
YOUR FRIEND’S THE FIRST ONE THERE
GIVING YOU SOMETHING TO LEAN ON
AND THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A FRIEND
ARCHIE: You’ve got him all wrong Patrice. You’ll see. (He exits.)
PATRICE: A FRIEND WON’T SMOKE WHEN SHE’S IN YOUR ROOM
OR LAUGH AT THE POEMS YOU WRITE
A FRIEND WON’T GO START KISSING YOUR BROTHER
THE MINUTE THAT YOU’RE OUT OF SIGHT
A FRIEND IS THE PERSON
YOU CALL SIXTEEN TIMES EVERY NIGHT
AND IF YOUR HEART IS ALWAYS BREAKING
AND YOU WANT TO RUN AND HIDE
WHEN YOUR HOPE IS GONE
YOUR FRIEND IS ON YOUR SIDE
IF SOMEONE MOVES IN ‘ROUND THE CORNER
AND YOU WANT TO SHOW HIM YOU CARE
SO YOU GIVE HIM ALL YOUR LAST MONTH OF VACATION
AND ALL OF THE TIME YOU CAN SPARE
BUT THEN, ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASSES
HE ACTS LIKE YOU’RE NOT EVEN THERE,
THEN HE DOESN’T KNOW’
HE DOESN’T KNOW!
HE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE A FRIEND
18
 SCENE 6

(School bell rings. A classroom, in the middle of a math test. KIDS enter pushing their school desks
into place. BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE approach EVAN.)
EDDIE: Yo Brain.
BRETT: Brain, your idea of taking Kendra to a scary movie was great. Now, get your Mom to buy the tickets
for “The Bloodmaster”.
EVAN: “The Bloodmaster?”
BRETT: Friday night.
EVAN: Wait. You want my mom to buy tickets for everyone?
BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE: Yes.
EVAN: There’s no way my mother’s gonna buy tickets to an R-rated movie.
BRETT: I’ll make this easy. You want us all to come to your little party?
EVAN: Of course.
BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE: Friday night. 7:30.
BRETT: Or maybe you’re not as useful as I thought…
(BRETT and the GOONS walk away, leaving EVAN stymied. The KIDS are all whispering, passing the
gossip as they take the test.

#7 – All Hail The Brain KIDS: BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT

FRIDAY NIGHT, BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
KIDS: BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
FRIDAY NIGHT, THE BRAIN’S GONNA DO IT
FRIDAY NIGHT WE GO TO THE MALL
AND THE BRAIN'S GONNA GET US INTO THE MOVIE
GONNA GO SEE THE BLOOD MASTER
FRIDAY NIGHT, THE BLOOD MASTER
FRIDAY NIGHT, FRIDAY NIGHT
BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
BRAIN'S GONNA DO IT
EVAN: I HAVE A PLAN, I HAVE A PLAN,
POSSIBLY, I THINK I HAVE A PLAN
IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF WORK, IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF LUCK
BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES THROUGH, THEY’LL SAY
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN!
HE DOES WHAT NO MERE MORTAL CAN
HE’S THE MAN, EVAN GOLDMAN
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN!
HE DID WHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD DO
SAW US THROUGH, SAVED THE DAY
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
WAIT TILL MOM GOES TO SLEEP
THEN SNEAK THE LICENSE FROM THE WALLET IN HER PURSE
AND MAKE A COLORED XEROX, LAMINATE IT
THEN PUT THE LICENSE BACK IN THE WALLET IN HER PURSE
19
 THEN FIND THE DRESS SHE WORE IN THE PICTURE ON THE LICENSE THAT I COPIED AND I
LAMINATED, WEAR THE DRESS, GET A WIG, SHOW THE LICENSE, BUY THE TICKETS
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
KIDS: BRETT’S GONNA DO IT
BRETT’S GONNA DO IT
FRIDAY NIGHT, BRETT’S GONNA DO IT
FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE BLOODMASTER
BRETT’S GONNA DO THE TONGUE WITH KENDRA
FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE MOVIE IN THE MALL
AND THE BRAIN’S GONNA GET US IN

(“ALL HAIL THE BRAIN” PART 2)

EVAN: I HAVE A PLAN, A BETTER PLAN

ACTUALLY AN ALMOST PERFECT PLAN
IT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY NUTS, IT’LL TAKE A LOT OF GUTS
BUT WHEN IT ALL COMES THROUGH, THEY’LL SAY
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
GIVE THAT BAR MITZVAH BOY A HAND
AIN’T HE GRAND, AIN’T HE GREAT’
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
GO THAT DAY TO THE MOVIE THEATER
BREAK INTO THE PROJECTION ROOM
STEAL THE REELS OF FILM FOR THE BLOODMASTER
TAKE IT IN THE HALL WHERE THEY’RE SHOWING BAMBI
SWITCH THE REELS, LEAVE THE THEATER
TELL THE GUYS WE’RE GONNA GO AND SEE BAMBI
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
BRETT: Hey, Brain, did you set up my date for Friday?
EVAN: Date?
BRETT: With Kendra?
EVAN: Date? Date! Archie! I have major news!
ARCHIE: They’re making a musical out of Mrs. Doubtfire?
EVAN: No! Well, yes. But no.
I HAVE A PLAN, I HAVE A PLAN
SO YOU AND KENDRA CAN GO OUT ON FRIDAY NIGHT
ARCHIE: Oooooh!!!
EVAN: I NEED YOUR HELP, THOUGH, SO STAY CALM
YOU NEED TO GO TALK TO MY MOM
AND IT’LL ALL COME TRUE, BECAUSE...

#7a – Terminal Illness

NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS

TAKE IT FROM ME, IT’S A SURE GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS
LISTEN, I’M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOUR TERMINAL ILLNESS
20
 BUT YOU HOLD THE SECRET TO GETTING MY MOM TO SAY YES
SO TALK TO MY MOM, AND GET HER TO BUY THE TICKETS WE NEED TO OBTAIN
BRETT GETS HIS MOVIE, I GET THE CREDIT, AND YOU GET YOUR DATE, SO WHO COULD
COMPLAIN? EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOUR DYING, BUT
NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS
WHO COULD REFUSE WHEN YOU SHUFFLE YOUR SHOES AND SAY PLEASE?
USE ALL THE TRICKS THAT YOU LEARNED IN YOUR CRADLE
YOU DON’T NEED TO LAY IT ON THICK WITH A LADLE
CAUSE NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A FATAL DISEASE!
ARCHIE: I can do this!
EVAN: I know you can!
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
ARCHIE: Ms. Goldman, I hate to bother you, but I was strolling through the neighborhood…
EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
ARCHIE: ...which wouldn’t be so bad, if it weren’t my birthday on Friday, but the insurance…
EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
ARCHIE: …I could always pay you for the tickets if I don’t get my medicine next month…
EVAN: LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
ARCHIE: …and you know, I’ve always felt this kinship with the Jewish people.
EVAN: OUT OF THE BLUE, A THOUGHT COMES TO YOU
LIKE SUN COMING OUT FROM THE RAIN
AND AFTER THE STRESS, MY MOTHER SAYS—
ARCHIE: Yes!
EVAN: Yes!!
EVAN & ARCHIE: WE’RE ALL SET FOR FRIDAY,
SO WHO COULD COMPLAIN?
ARCHIE: EXCEPT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE JEWISH AND YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN
EVAN: IT’S TRUE--
EVAN & ARCHIE: BUT NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS
ASK FOR A DAY AT THE MALL OR A TRIP TO BELIZE
NOTHING’S TO HARD OR A QUEST UNENDURABLE
LONG AS YOUR SURE YOU’RE COMPLETELY INCURABLE
CAUSE NO ONE SAYS NO TO A BOY WITH A FATAL DISEASE!

#7b – All Hail the Brain Coda (Part 3)

BRETT: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
BRETT: I NEVER THOUGHT HE’D TAKE THE BAIT!
THIS IS GREAT! EVAN GOLDMAN!
ALL: EVAN GOLDMAN! ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
EVAN: I DID WHAT NO ONE ELSE COULD DO.
TELL ME WHO COULD COMPLAIN?
BRETT: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
EVAN: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
21
 ALL: ALL HAIL THE BRAIN
ALL HAIL THE BRAIN!
(The KIDS run off. The school disappears. EVAN sees PATRICE on the playground.)
EVAN: Patrice. Wait.
PATRICE: I’m not talking to you.
EVAN: Look, we’re all going to the movies on Friday night. Why don’t you come? You can’t stay mad at me
forever.
PATRICE: Just because Archie asked me to forgive you, doesn’t mean I will. Honestly, why would I go
anywhere with you ever?
EVAN: Because I messed up big time and I want to make it up by asking you out.
PATRICE: Asking me out?
EVAN: Out.
PATRICE: As in- “out” out?
EVAN: That would work.
PATRICE: I’ll think about it. But don’t get your hopes up. I doubt it. Probably not.
(She walks off. EVAN watches her go then turns to the audience, slyly)
EVAN: Oh yeah, she’s coming. And sure, to the inexperienced eye, it may look like I just set Brett and Archie
up to be on dates with the same girl, on the same night, in the same place…(a realization. Then Panic.) Crap!

SCENE 7

(EVAN runs to ARCHIE’s bedroom to do damage control.)

EVAN: Archie, listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night…
ARCHIE: Finally. Me on a date with Kendra. See, Evan? Miracles can happen…with just the right
combination of praying and stalking.
EVAN: Yeah. It’s great, isn’t it? But, maybe you’re not up for it?
ARCHIE: Up for it? A Ritalin and a Red Bull, and I’m up for anything!
EVAN: Okay, this is Brett’s date with Kendra, and it’s important for me that it works out. So, you’re just
gonna sit next to her, right? That’s all.
ARCHIE: Would I do anything to jeopardize you, after what you’ve done for me, Evan Goldman?
EVAN: So we’re good?
ARCHIE: We’re so good.
EVAN: Good.
ARCHIE: Good.
EVAN: Good.

#8 – Getting Ready

(EVAN leaves. ARCHIE turns to the audience.)

ARCHIE: I ONLY GOT ONE SHOT, BETTER GET IT RIGHT
I’M GETTING READY
GOT TO LOOK REAL HOT, WHEN IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT
I’M GETTING READY
I’M GETTING READY TODAY, I’M GETTING READY TO SAY
I’M NOT THAT WEIRD GEEK YOU THINK I MUST BE
I’M GETTING READY TO MOVE, I’M GETTING READY TO PROVE
22
 KENDRA, JUST NEEDS A HEARTTHROB LIKE ME
EVAN: ON FRIDAY NIGHT, I’LL BE THE HOMETOWN HERO
ARCHIE: GOT TO CUT MY NAILS
EVAN: IF THIS GOES RIGHT, THEN I’LL BE FREE AND CLEAR
ARCHIE: GOT TO SHAVE MY BEARD
EVAN: AND IF IT GOES AS PLANNED, PATRICE WILL UNDERSTAND
SOME PRICES ARE WORTH PAYING WHEN YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE
ARCHIE: I’M GETTING READY FOR HER
I’M GETTING READY, YES SIR
READY FOR PASSION, DELIGHT AND ROMANCE
ARCHIE & EVAN: I’M GETTING READY TO GO
I’M GETTING READY AND KNOWING
I MAY ONLY GET THIS ONE CHANCE
(Shift to BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE)
BRETT: THERE IN THE DARK OF THE APPLETON CINEMA
FREE FROM THE PUBLIC’S PRYING EYES
THERE WITH MY GIRL IN THE CHAIR BESIDE ME
I CAN REVEAL MY BIG SURPRISE
THERE WHILE THE REST OF THE CROWD’S IMMERSED IN
ALL OF THE BLOOD VESSELS ONSCREEN BURSTIN’
KENDRA WILL GET TO BE THE FIRST IN LINE TO REALIZE
HERE COMES THE TONGUE!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HERE IT COMES! HERE IT COMES!
BRETT: HERE COMES THE TONGUE!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: HERE IT COMES! HERE IT COMES!
BRETT: HERE COMES THE—(They make babbling tongue noises.) TOLUBALUBALUBALUB…
(Shift to KENDRA’s bedroom with LUCY.)
KENDRA: Okay, so just go through this with me one more time.
LUCY: Okay.
KENDRA: IF HE DOES IT AND I LET HIM,
LUCY: YOU’RE A FLIRT.
KENDRA: RIGHT. BUT IF HE WANTS TO AND I STOP HIM,
LUCY: YOU’RE A TEASE.
KENDRA: YIKES! AND IF I LET HIM, AND I LIKE IT
LUCY: YOU’RE A SKANK.
KENDRA: WOW!
LUCY: BUT HE COULD ALSO GET HIS TONGUE STUCK DOWN YOUR THROAT!
OR TRY TO KISS SO HARD HE CHIPS ONE OF YOUR TEETH!
OR, THERE’S A MILLION OTHER WAYS IT COULD ALL GO WRONG!
IT DOESN’T MATTER IF THEY URGE TO KISS HIM BACK IS STRONG,
YOU’VE GOT TO HOLD THAT BOY AT BAY,
STEP BACK FROM THE EDGE AND SAY:
I’M A GOOD GIRL. I DON’T DO THAT
I’M A NICE GIRL, JUST STAY AWAY
I’M A GOOD GIRL. KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
IF YOU TELL HIM THAT, THEN YOU’LL BE OKAY
23
KENDRA: What if it’s just like, this much?
LUCY: WHEN YOU GOT THAT SOLO IN CHOIR
IT’S CAUSE I TOLD YOU WHAT TO SING.
WHEN YOU GOT THE LEAD IN THE FALL SCHOOL PLAY
IT’S CAUSE I COACHED YOU ALL LAST SPRING.
WHEN YOU GOT TO BE THE HEAD OF THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
IT’S CAUSE I TAUGHT YOU EVERYTHING!
THINK OF ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD’VE HAD, YOU’VE GOT INSTEAD
BECAUSE YOU DID JUST WHAT I SAID!
YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL
LUCY: YOU DON’T DO THAT
KENDRA: BUT HE’S SOOOOOO CUTE
LUCY: YOU’RE A NICE GIRL
KENDRA: LISTEN LUCY
LUCY: DON’T QUESTION ME
KENDRA: BUT I COULD BE HIS GIRLFRIEND
LUCY: YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL
LUCY & KENDRA: I/YOU DON’T DO THAT
(EVAN, ARCHIE, BRETT, MALCOLM & EDDIE re-enter and sing simultaneously.)
EVAN: COME ON, THIS HAS TO GO RIGHT.
THEY’LL FINALLY ACCEPT ME, AFTER TONIGHT.
LUCY & KENDRA: I COULD BE HIS GIRLFRIEND
LUCY: IF I COULD GET HER OUT OF THE WAY
KENDRA: NOW I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
PATRICE, LUCY & KENDRA: I’VE GOT TO GET READY FOR HIM
ARCHIE: I’M GETTING READY IT’S TRUE
ARCHIE/EVAN: I’M GETTING READY TO DO
SOMETHING THAT MAKES HER/THEM ACCEPT ME AT LAST
ALL: I’M GETTING READY ALRIGHT. NOTHING CAN STOP ME TONIGHT
BRETT: (tongue babble noises) TONIBALUBLUABLUALBLA
ALL: I’M GETTING READY! READY! READY!
ARCHIE: Check me out!
ALL: NOW!

END OF ACT ONE.

24
 ACT TWO
SCENE 8

(The movie theater. EVAN is next to KENDRA who is next to BRETT. EDDIE and MALCOLM are
behind them with LUCY. PATRICE is on the side, with an empty seat next to her. OTHER KIDS fill the
seats. Gross sounds are heard.)
ALL: AAHHHHHH!!!
EVAN: (to the audience) Friday night. “The Bloodmaster.” I did it. Everyone got in, Brett and Kendra are
together, even Patrice made it. (a beat) and this movie…is disgusting.
(A buzz saw. A loud crunching noise. A splat. The KIDS react. EVERYONE is briefly united by the
mutual disgust.)
PATRICE: Evan, I thought you were going to sit with me?
EVAN: I will. I’m just saving this seat for Archie, in case he shows up.
PATRICE: Oh, he’s here! I saw him in the arcade. He says he’s “waiting for the perfect moment.”
EVAN: What?
PATRICE: What’s going on?
EVAN: Uh-look, I’ll be right there, okay.
PATRICE: (disappointed and suspicious) Okay.
(MALCOLM & EDDIE are sitting behind BRETT and KENDRA with LUCY between them.
MALCOLM tries to make his move to the tune of “Hey Kendra”.)
MALCOLM: HEY LUCY, I’VE BEEN THINKING…
LUCY: …In your dreams, hobbit! I’m here for one reason. Tongue patrol.
(The underscore for the horror movie turns into a gentle ballad. Focus turns to BRETT, who is sitting
petrified. KIDS react to the movie.)

#9 – Any Minute
BRETT: SOMEONE GOT HIS EYELIDS TORN OFF, AND I’M SITTING HERE,
AND I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.
(The KIDS scream- something gross just happened on screen.)
THAT GUY JUST GOT AN AXE IN HIS THROAT
AND SHE’S SITTING THERE,
AND I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M WAITING,
BUT OH, ANY MINUTE, I’LL BE GETTING CLOSER
AND I’LL BE WHERE I WANT TO BE…
(He goes to kiss KENDRA but is abruptly interrupted by the KIDS shrieking.)
ANY MINUTE…
KENDRA: SOMEONE GOT HIS FACE CHOPPED IN HALF,
AND HE’S SITTING THERE, AND MAYBE HE DOESN’T WANT ME
(A yelp from the KIDS.)
MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING I SAID? OR MAYBE MY BREATH?
(Something disgusting on screen- all the KIDS say “Ewww!”)
WHY DID I EAT THOSE PORK RINDS?
‘CAUSE OH, ANY MINUTE HE COULD TURN AND KISS ME.
AND WE’LL BE WHERE WE OUGHT TO BE…ANY MINUTE…

25
 (MALCOLM & EDDIE lean over to see how far BRETT has gotten.)
MALCOLM: (accidentally interrupting BRETT’s attempt to kiss KENDRA.) Brett…Pssst-
EDDIE: (slapping MALCOLM away) Back off, you can’t rush “the tongue.”
(A sound of a flamethrower and a scream erupt from the movie. EVERYONE winces.)
BRETT: (and now again paralyzed with fear) SHE JUST SET HIS PELVIS ON FIRE
KENDRA: THIS IS WEIRD
BRETT: WHAT DO I DO?
KENDRA: AM I FAT?
BRETT: THIS IS SO NOT ROMANTIC
KENDRA: HE WANTS TO BE WITH LUCY
BRETT: THIS WAS SUCH A STUPID IDEA
KENDRA: AND SHE’S RIGHT,
BRETT: IF I COULD JUST
KENDRA: I’M A GOOD GIRL
BRETT: TURN MY HEAD SLIGHTLY SIDEWAYS
(EVAN looks back at PATRICE, then back to the screen.)
PATRICE: AND OH, ANY MINUTE
HE’LL DO SOMETHING FOR ME
DID HE JUST INVITE ME
SO HE COULD IGNORE ME?
HE WON’T EVEN KNOW I’M GONE
(BRETT rises, trying to work up the nerve. KENDRA rises as well. They’re obscuring the view.)
BRETT: ANY MINUTE!
KENDRA: ANY MINUTE…
BRETT: ANY MOMENT…
KENDRA: ANY MOMENT…
BRETT: IF I WANT IT…
KENDRA: IF I WANT IT…
BRETT & KENDRA: IF I CLOSE MY EYES!
BRETT: ANY MINUTE…
KENDRA: ANY MINUTE…
BRETT: ANY MOMENT…
KENDRA: ANY MOMENT…
BRETT & KENDRA: ANY TIME!
(As this is going on, ARCHIE comes clomping down the aisle, wearing his ridiculous outfit, holding a
bouquet of pitiful flowers. As BRETT and KENDRA sing “Any time!” ARCHIE accidentally, or not,
crushes BRETT’s foot with his crutch on the way to his seat.)
BRETT: Hey!
EVAN: Archie? What are you doing?
ARCHIE: (handing EVAN the flowers as he maneuvers his way into the seat next to KENDRA) Thanks for
your help, Ev, but I’ll take it from here. (EVAN sits next to ARCHIE. PATRICE raps EVAN’s shoulder.)
PATRICE: Evan? What were you thinking?
EVAN: He promised he was just gonna sit next to her!
PATRICE: And you believed him?
ARCHIE: Hi Kendra. Sorry I’m late. I was in the bathroom having a seizure.
KENDRA: What???
26
 (She turns her attention immediately back to the screen, waiting for BRETT to make his move.)
BRETT: NO MORE TIME TO SIT ON MY BUTT
TIME TO MOVE IN, TIME TO GET STARTED
ARCHIE: This is it Archie.
BRETT: AFTER ALL, TONIGHT IS THE TONGUE
IT’S GOTTA BE RIGHT- NO MORE JUST HOPING
ARCHIE: OKAY.
BRETT & ARCHIE: AND SO, WATCH OUT KENDRA
NOW, WATCH OUT WOMEN
NOW! NOW! NOW!
(All in slow motion: ARCHIE squeezes his face, closes his eyes, and goes in to kiss KENDRA. BRETT,
at the same time, turns his head, sticks out his tongue and goes in for the kiss. EVAN sees, and as he
mouths “NOOOOO”. LUCY reaches at the exact same time, pulling KENDRA out of the way of
BRETT’s tongue. BRETT’s tongue meets the tip of ARCHIE’s nose. They both recoil with disgust, but
not before SIMON is able to snap a photo of the event.- Then flash back to real time.)
ARCHIE & BRETT: Bleeeeghhhhh!!
BRETT: Crip-ton! Did you just try to tongue Kendra?
ARCHIE: Uh…(to EVAN) What’s the right answer here?
EDDIE: Yo Brett! Did you just snake the cripple??
RICHIE: Nasty.
SIMON: (waving his cell phone) I got it on my phone!
LUCY: This is fantastic.
ARCHIE: (to BRETT) You don’t understand. Kendra and I are on a date.
ALL: What?!
ARCHIE: Evan set it up.
ALL: What?!?
EVAN: (nervous laugh…) Hah.. hah!
(BRETT jumps up, ready to administer some beat-downs.)
BRETT: Okay, you’re both dead. Who dies first?
ARCHIE: (pushing EVAN forward) Him.
KENDRA: (jumping up to prevent any carnage.) Brett! Stop it!
BRETT: (to EVAN) You’re going down! Anyone in this town so much as thinks of coming to your lame party,
they’re going to have to deal with me. (BRETT goes to punch EVAN but KENDRA, hoping to just get back to
normal, stops it.) Kendra! Get out of the way! (He grabs KENDRA roughly by the wrists and tries to pull her
out of the way.)
KENDRA: Brett stop it! You’re hurting me. (struggling to get away, she kicks BRETT in the crotch. All the
KIDS react and KENDRA is mortified.)
BRETT: (in exquisite pain) I’m…not…wearing …my…(He collapses to the floor)… cup.
KENDRA: Come on, Lucy. Let’s get out of here! (KENDRA stomps offstage alone.)
LUCY: I’m right behind you! (She watches KENDRA go and then turns to BRETT.) So you two aren’t going
out?
BRETT: No!
LUCY: So, your tongue is still available?
BRETT: (tentatively) Yes?
LUCY: Great!

27
 (LUCY grabs BRETT, pulls him to a standing position and kisses him hungrily. An astonished silence
from the KIDS. BRETT and LUCY stop kissing and stare at each other. BRETT rather liked it. LUCY
is victorious, and the two of them run off to engage in further salivary pursuits. MALCOLM and
EDDIE survey the damage as EVERYONE slowly exits the theater in shock.)
MALCOLM: Not good.
EDDIE: Not good.
MALCOLM & EDDIE: Yeah. Not good.
(The lobby of the movie theater. PATRICE is on her cell phone as ARCHIE wait. EVAN enters.)
SCENE 9

PATRICE: We’ll be waiting right outside. Thanks, Mom. (She hangs up.) It’s okay, Archie. My mom’s
picking us up.
EVAN: What a nightmare! Now they’ll never be my friends.
PATRICE: Them? That’s who you care about? Them?
EVAN: What’s your problem?
PATRICE: You invited me out, and you didn’t even talk to me. I put on this stupid dress and my mother’s
makeup and you didn’t even look at me.
EVAN: What was I supposed to do?
PATRICE: Anything but what you did! I should have known.
EVAN: Patrice…

#10 – Good Enough

YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE AND SAID I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH
I WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE MY FRIEND
YOU WANTED TO BE COOL AND I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
NO, LOOK, I GET IT. YOU’RE THE LATEST IN A TREND.
I WATCHED AS YOU DID EVERYTHING THEY ASKED YOU TO,
AND FINALLY THOSE JERKS AND I AGREE
THEY LOOKED AT YOU AND SAID YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH
AND YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
(PATRICE storms off and ARCHIE stands there.)
ARCHIE: Well, that could have gone better.
EVAN: This is all your fault! I told you everything not to do, and you did it.
ARCHIE: My fault? It’s not like this worked out for me. I just got licked by Brett Sampson.
EVAN: Every single thing in my life is a disaster.
ARCHIE: You’ve been in Appleton for a month. Trust me, it’ll get worse.
EVAN: No. No! I’m gonna fix this with Patrice and fix this with Brett and you’re gonna help me. I just need a
plan.
ARCHIE: Face it, Evan. This can’t be fixed!
EVAN: If I don’t do anything, I’m dead! They’re gonna treat me like I’ve got some disease! (He realizes what
he has just said.) I’m sorry Archie. I didn’t mean it like that.
ARCHIE: Right now, I think I’m doing a whole lot better than you are. (ARCHIE exits.)
EVAN: Archie, wait…! Great. There goes the last person on earth that’s talking to me. I can fix this! I’m not
gonna be an outcast! I’m gonna be friends with every single one of those guys or else… or else I’ll be a geek
from now until I graduate.
#11 – Being A Geek 28
 EVAN: BEING A GEEK IS THE LONLIEST THING IS THE WORLD.
I GOTTA TELL YOU BROTHER,
WHEN YOU'RE A GEEK IT'S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
YOU'RE ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT EVERYBODY’S LAUGHING ABOUT.
AND STARING IN AT THE WORLD LIKE YOU GOT LOCKED OUT.
NOTHING IS WORSE, IT’S A CRIME, IT’S A CURSE.
IT'S THE LONELIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
BEING A GEEK IS THE SADDEST EVENT EVER KNOWN.
I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
AND BEING A GEEK DOESN’T GO ONCE YOU’RE GONE OR YOU’RE GROWN.
GEEKS: TELL ME ABOUT IT BROTHER.
EVAN: THE GIRLS ALL ROLL THEIR EYES AND WALK AWAY WHEN YOU GET CLOSE.
YOU'VE GOT TO FATAL DISEASE NO ONE CAN DIAGNOSE
IT’S CONTAGIOUS, IT’S VIRAL, IT’S A DOWNWARD SPIRAL
THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD
BUT WHEN YOU’RE COOL, WHEN YOU’RE COOL YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT A CROWD
YOU CAN BREAK THE RULES AND YOU’RE ALLOWED
YOU CAN SWAY THE GANG IN ANY DIRECTION
YOU’VE GOT A HIGH SPEED CONNECTION
WHEN YOU’RE COOL, YOU’RE THE EPITOME OF CHARM AND GRACE
WHEN YOU SEE THAT GIRL YOU WANT TO CHASE
IF YOU’RE COOL YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT A SHOT
BUT OH, IF YOUR’E NOT
IT’S A WASTE, IT’S A DRAG
IT’S YUCK IN A BAG.
IT’S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD
GEEKS: GEEK, GEEK
GEEK, GEEK,
GEEK, GEEK, WHOA-OH
GEEK, GEEK
GEEK, GEEK,
GEEK, GEEK
EVAN: OH YEAH, IT’S LIKE A COLD WIND BLOWING, YEAH.
GEEKS: WHOA-OH
RICHIE: IF YOU LIKE THE WRONG MOVIES,
IF YOU LIKE THE WRONG BANDS,
IF YOU TAKE THE WRONG CLASSES, DON’T SPEAK!
GEEKS: YOU’RE A GEEK!
SIMON: IF IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY PLANS,
‘CAUSE YOU SPENT THE PAST WEEK LEARNING GREEK-
GEEKS: YOU’RE A GEEK!
DUNCAN: IF YOU’RE VERY WELL ACQUAINTED WITH THE LOCKER ROOM TOILET
‘CAUSE YOUR HEAD’S BEEN SHOVED INSIDE IT, JUST SQUEAK
GEEKS: “I’M A GEEK!”
EVAN: IF YOU START TO GET EXCITED ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA THROW A PARTY,
29
 BUT THE PEOPLE YOU INVITED ALL SHRIEK
GEEKS: GEEK!
EVAN: YOU FREAK!
GEEKS: GEEK!
EVAN: YOU’RE NOT UNIQUE!
GEEKS: GEEK!
EVAN: IT’S JUST THE LIFE OF THE GEEK! BUT WHEN YOU’RE COOL
GEEKS: WHEN YOU’RE COOL, OH, OH. (3x)
EVAN: YOU CAN RALLY WHEN THE BLUES ATTACK
EVERY PROBLEM JUST ROLLS OFF YOUR BACK.
YOU CAN HANDLE EVERY SLIP AND SLIDE, WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR STRIDE
GEEKS: WHOA-OH, WHOA-OH, WHO-AH, WHO-AH
WHEN YOURE COOL, OH OH. (3x)
EVAN: WHEN YOU’RE COOL, YOU DON’T CARE THAT PEOPLE DISAPPEAR.
YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOUR DAD’S NOT HERE.
YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOUR LIFE’S BEEN
UPROOTED AND BENT WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT
GEEKS: OH…
EVAN: A GEEK’S AFRAID IT’S NEVER GONNA BE OKAY.
BUT THE COOL KID KNOW IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY
IT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING FINE AT THIRTEEN
AND THE LONLIEST THING…
I SAID THE LONLIEST THING…
I KNOW IT’S THE LONLIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
GEEKS: GEEK, GEEK.
GEEK, GEEK.
GEEK, GEEK-
HMM
SCENE 10

(Back at school, in the hallway between periods. MALCOLM and EDDIE have been waiting for
BRETT to arrive.)
EDDIE: This is bad.
MALCOLM: This is real bad.
EDDIE: This is the bad that bad thinks is bad. (BRETT enters sheepishly.) Yo Brett!
MALCOLM: Why weren’t you at practice today?
EDDIE: Coach just said, “why bother practicing without Brett?” So instead we watched a movie called “God
Doesn’t Want You to Do That….or That… and Especially Not That!”.
BRETT: Well…
MALCOLM: I texted you this morning, but you didn’t hit me back.
BRETT: Well, see…
EDDIE: What’s up with you?
BRETT: Okay, the thing is…
MALCOLM & EDDIE: What?
LUCY: (from offstage) Brett!
(MALCOLM & EDDIE turn to see where the voice is coming from, then turn back knowing.)
30
 MALCOLM & EDDIE: Ohhhhh…
BRETT: Guys…I’ll be right back.
MALCOLM: Brett, don’t do it! Save yourself!
LUCY: BRETT!
EDDIE: Run man! Get outa here!
(School bell. LUCY enters, now the undisputed queen of the school. She goes right for BRETT. He
looks for an escape, but she engulfs him and, showing off as KIDS pass by.)
LUCY: Oh, there you are! (taking his arm) Guess what we’re going to do this weekend?
BRETT: I thought I’d just hang with my boys…
LUCY: No. Here’s what we’re going to do this weekend. Go to the mall, buy new shoes, get a mani-pedi…
BRETT: Yeah…I think I’ll just hang with my boys.
LUCY: Oh. Okay. If you’d rather be with them, I guess that means you don’t want me anymore.
BRETT: That’s not what I—
LUCY: And if you don’t want me, then you obviously don’t want the tongue anymore. (She starts to exit.)
BRETT: I never said that! (He chases after LUCY. MALCOLM & EDDIE watch in shock and horror.)
MALCOLM: Did you see that?
EDDIE: Brett’s gone to the dark side.
MALCOLM: He’s totally whipped.
EDDIE: Tongue whipped.
MALCOLM: She’s a little diva devil. Why is she doing this to us?
EDDIE: If I live to be twenty, I’ll never understand women!

#12 – Bad Bad News

MALCOLM: WHAT IS A MAN WHEN HE GIVES UP HIS SOUL,

FOR A LICK FROM A CHICK WHO COMPLETELY TAKES CONTROL.
RICHIE: Tell the tale!
EDDIE: HOW DOES A MAN WHO CAN SEE BEHIND HIS HEAD
TURN AS BLIND AS A BAT WITH NO EYES?
RICHIE: WHAT IS A MAN WHEN HE TURNS ON HIS FRIENDS
WE’VE BEEN TOSSED, NOW WE’RE LOST, JUST A PLATTER OF BURNT ENDS
BEN: I feel ya!
SIMON: HOW DO WE MAKE OUR HERO WIDE AWAKE,
SO THAT HE CAN REALIZE?
BOYS: THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS, BAD NEWS
NOTHING BUT TEARS, NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, NOTHING BUT STRESS
YES SHE IS BAD, BAD NEWS
OUR BUDDY BRETT IS GONNA REGRET THAT HE EVER SAID YES
THE GIRL MAY BE HOT BUT ALL THAT HE’S GOT IS
BAD, BAD NEWS
BRAYDEN: Here he comes! Act cool!
(BRETT and LUCY enter, she is blabbering, and he is annoyed.)
LUCY: So I’m all, “Mom! I’ve been going out with him for four days! Of COURSE we’re going to get
married!”
CASSIE: (Strolling by) Hi Brett.
BRETT: (casually) Oh, hey Cassie.
31
LUCY: Wait! Were you flirting with her?
BRETT: I was just saying hi.
LUCY: Oh, so you’re saying she’s hot?
BRETT: No! I mean, she’s fine.
LUCY: Oh, so you’re saying I’m fat!
BRETT: What?! I never said that!
LUCY: (near tears) You never say anything about how amazing I look anymore. You hate me don’t you! (She
runs off.)
BRETT: Oh, man, not again. (yelling after her) Lucy! I’m sorry! Put down the donut! (He exits.)
RICHIE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR FRIEND’S LIFE’S AT STAKE?
BEN: MAN, HE’S FLIPPED
SIMON: NO, HE’S WHIPPED LIKE THE CREAM ON A CAKE!
EDDIE: WHAT CAN WE SAY?
DUNCAN: HE WON’T TALK!
BRAYDEN: HE WON’T PLAY!
BOYS: HOW CAN ONE TONGUE DESTROY A WHOLE TEAM?
THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS
BAD NEWS
BEN: SHE’S LIKE A SNAKE
QUINTON: SHE’S LIKE A COCKROACH
DUNCAN: SHE’S LIKE A COW!
(They all look at him confused.)
DUNCAN: A skinny cow.
BOYS: WOW SHE IS BAD, BAD NEWS, BAD NEWS
WE’VE BEEN ABANDONED, LEFT IN THE SAND, AND WHO ARE WE NOW?
HE FELL FOR A MUTT WITH A FABULOUS BUTT
BUT SHE’S BAD, BAD NEWS
(The BOYS pace the stage trying to think of a solution.)
QUINTON: Perhaps there is a way we can dispose of her?
(More pacing.)
BEN: Maybe she can “meet with an accident”? (The BOYS ponder the possibilities.)
BRAYDEN: WE HAVE GOT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT SHE’S NOT WELCOME HERE
THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY WE CAN FIND!
BEN: WE CAN GO TRAIN A PITBULL TO CHEW ON HER FLESH!
DUNCAN: I DON’T THINK THEY ATTACK THEIR OWN KIND.
RICHIE: WE COULD TORTURE HER MOTHER AND CHOP UP HER DOG
SIMON: TO BE HONEST, I DON’T THINK SHE’D MIND
MALCOLM: I COULD RIP OFF HER POCKETBOOK, LOOK, IT’S A START
EDDIE: DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH HER HEART, IF SHE JUST HAD A HEART
BOYS: THE LONGER IT GOES, THE WORSE IT’LL GET
SO SOMEBODY’S GOT TO TELL BRETT
MALCOLM: YEAH!
BOYS: THAT GIRL IS BAD, BAD NEWS
BAD NEWS
BOYS: SHE TOOK OUR PAL, SHE TOOK OUR LEADER
AND LET HIM ASTRAY
32
 HEY, HEY
SHE’S TOTALLY BAD, BAD NEWS
BAD NEWS
EDDIE: (riffing) BAD NEWS
BOYS: LISTEN UP BRETT, YOU’RE NOT RUINED YET
WE’LL SHOW YOU THE WAY
THROW HER UNDER THE BUS AND COME BACK TO US
QUINTON: EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS EXCELLENT SHOES
ALL: SHE IS BAD, BAD BAD BAD,
BAD, BAD, BAD BAD NEWS!
BAD NEWS!
(EVAN and ARCHIE have entered just in time to hear what is going on. All of the BOYS except
EDDIE and MALCOLM exit dejectedly.)
EVAN: Did you hear that? Those guys are suffering. And Brett’s suffering. If I can get Brett to dump Lucy
and get back together with Kendra, I’m the hero!
ARCHIE: Evan, is this wise? Let me rephrase that: Evan, this isn’t wise.
EVAN: This is my chance to win them back. I have to do this! (yelling to MALCOLM & EDDIE) Hey!
Malcolm! Eddie!
ARCHIE: No, Evan, don’t!
(MALCOLM & EDDIE approach. ARCHIE lets out a yelp and throws himself face first against the
wall.)
EVAN: Take me to Brett!
EDDIE: Are you suicidal? After what happened at “The Bloodmaster”? Brett wants to destroy you.
EVAN: Listen, I can help Brett get rid of Lucy and get Kendra back!
MALCOLM: How?
EDDIE: How?
ARCHIE: (muffled, his face buried in the wall.) Yeah, how?
EVAN: Just take me to him!
(Unseen by everyone, ARCHIE takes out his phone and starts texting furiously.)
EDDIE: Alright, hold up. (to MALCOLM, ignoring EVAN, while talking over him.) Are you thinking what
I’m thinking?
MALCOLM: That if you hold your breath until you almost choke a little pee comes out?
EDDIE: No. I’m thinking: What have we got to lose?
MALCOLM: (to EDDIE, catching on) Ahhh, okay. (to EVAN) If you’re right, we get Brett back .
EDDIE: Yeah. And if you’re wrong we get to beat you up.
EVAN: Alright, let’s do this. (to ARCHIE) Wish me luck! (EVAN leaves with EDDIE & MALCOLM.)
PATRICE: (entering) Archie! I got your text. What’s (looking at her phone and spelling) “CQDBTIOE”?
ARCHIE: Come quick, danger beckons, time is our enemy. Duh!
PATRICE: What is it Archie?
ARCHIE: You have to help Evan. Now!
PATRICE: Why?
ARCHIE: I think Brett might kill him. Actually, no, I’m pretty sure of it.
PATRICE: What do you want me to do?
ARCHIE: Go! Run! Be my legs!
PATRICE: And what are you going to be doing?
ARCHIE: Hiding, weeping, cowering, the usual.
33
 PATRICE: Forget it. Evan’s on his own.
ARCHIE: So that’s it? He’s gonna get slaughtered and you really don’t care at all?
PATRICE: Don’t care.
ARCHIE: Great.
PATRICE: Not interested.
ARCHIE: Okay.
PATRICE: You know I’m going, don’t you.
ARCHIE: Yup.
PATRICE: I hate you.
ARCHIE: I know.

SCENE 11

(BRETT enters as ARCHIE and PATRICE exit. The boys locker room. He looks around to make sure
no one is looking then he gets on his knees and clasps his hands in prayer, a bit uncertain which is the
best way to do it.)
BRETT: Okay, she’s gonna destroy me. But she’s hot. But I hate her. But she’s hot. God, can you help me?
MALCOLM: Yo Brett!
(BRETT looks shocked as if God is talking to him. Then he realizes with disappointment that
MALCOLM and EDDIE have entered, dragging EVAN with them.)
BRETT: What’s he doing here?
EDDIE: Brett, the Brain has something he wants to say, and we think you really need to listen.
(BRETT looks at them with fury in his eyes and steps towards them.)
EDDIE: (turning to EVAN) You’re on your own dude. (MALCOLM and EDDIE run off.)
BRETT: You’re the one who messed me up with Kendra in the first place! Why should I listen to you? In fact,
why should you even live?
EVAN: Okay, but there’s a way to fix everything so that everyone can be happy again. You have to dump
Lucy and get Kendra back.
BRETT: (grabbing EVAN by the shirt and lifting him off the ground) Fine. Tell me what to do. You’ve got ten
seconds!
(PATRICE enters, and stands back, watching)
EVAN: Okay, its simple, really. (panicking) You just go to Kendra and you… uhm.
BRETT: Five, four, two…
EVAN: Okay, you just go to Kendra, and you…
PATRICE: (finishing EVAN’S sentence because it’s clear that he can’t) ...Talk to her.
(BRETT drops EVAN and turns to face PATRICE. EVAN is taken aback as well, but goes with it.)
EVAN: Yeah, just go up to Kendra and talk to her!
BRETT: I needed YOU to tell me that?
PATRICE: Ugh! Boys are so stupid, no wonder you’re not girls! Can’t you just talk from the heart? Tell her
how you really feel?

#13 – Tell Her

BRETT: Like what?

EVAN: (a realization) Like…
TELL HER YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
34
 TELL HER YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT AT NIGHT.
TELL HER ALTHOUGH YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE,
YOU WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT.
BRETT: Okay, but this is starting to sound a little cheesy.
TELL HER YOU KNOW YOU AREN’T PERFECT.
TELL HER YOU’VE WAITED WAY TOO LONG.
TELL HER YOU’RE SORRY, TELL HER YOU MEAN IT,
TELL HER YOU JUST WERE WRONG.
BRETT: This is good stuff. I should write this down. (He grabs a pen and starts writing on his hand.)
PATRICE: TELL HER SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE IGNORED YOU,
OR DISSED YOU IN FRONT OF ALL THE SCHOOL.
TELL HER THE MINUTE SHE GOT OUT OF TOUCH,
YOU FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL.
TELL HER THAT STUDYING TOGETHER
WAS SO NICE, YOU PRAYED IT WOULDN’T END.
(BRETT looks up, thinks “Studying together?”, then decides to go with it.)
SAY YOU FORGIVE HER, SAY YOU WERE JEALOUS
ASK IF SHE’LL BE YOUR FRIEND.
(BRETT has run out of room and is now writing on his ankle.)
EVAN & PATRICE: TELL HER THAT PEOPLE GET THINGS WRONG,
CAUSE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID THEY WON’T FIT IN YOUR WORLD OR IN YOUR LIFE.
BUT THINGS WILL WORK OUT FINE IF SHE WILL ONLY LISTEN.
PATRICE: TELL HER THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED
EVAN: TELL HER THAT ALL YOU EVER WANTED
PATRICE: WAS MAYBE
EVAN & PATRICE: A SMILE OR A GLANCE.
EVAN: TELL HER YOUR SORRY.
PATRICE: TELL HER YOU MEAN IT.
EVAN & PATRICE: ASK FOR ANOTHER CHANCE.
TELL HER YOU JUST WANT ANOTHER CHANCE.
(BRETT watches them, trying to figure out if they are finally finished.)
EVAN: (to PATRICE) I’m sorry. I mean it.
PATRICE: I still hate you.
(BRETT doesn’t know whether to write this down, EVAN and PATRICE are staring intently at each
other. Suddenly, MOLLY comes running on followed by a group of kids.)
MOLLY: Hey Brett! Lucy and Kendra are clawing each other’s eyes out over you! It’s nasty ugly! You gotta
stop them!
EVAN: This is your chance, Brett. Go make it happen.
BRETT: Alright, Brain. If this works, we’ll be at your party!

#13a – Transition

(BRETT runs out, heroically, pushing past KIDS as he goes, through the hallway to where LUCY and
KENDRA are.)

35
 SCENE 12

KENDRA: I thought you were my friend!

LUCY: I don’t need friends, I got Brett!
KENDRA: Yeah, because you stole him!
LUCY: I won. You lost. Get over it.
KENDRA: You are so selfish! (KENDRA lunges at LUCY. They go at each other. BRETT runs in.)
BRETT: Okay, Stop!
LUCY: Good. Brett, you’re here.
KENDRA: Both of you just go away forever.
BRETT: No, Kendra. Lucy, you go away.
LUCY: What?!
BRETT: Kendra is the one I want.
KENDRA: What?!
LUCY: (devastated) What?
BRETT: It’s over Lucy. Just go. (LUCY storms out-making noise the whole time.) Can everyone please just
go? I need to talk to Kendra.
(ALL slowly exit, SIMON filming on his phone the whole time until RICHIE yanks him offstage.
BRETT turns to KENDRA and suddenly he is blank. He freezes and panics, then he remembers what
EVAN sang to PATRICE. He tries to read from his notes.)
BRETT: Umm…
TELL ME I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
TELL ME I WISH I HAD A…(He can’t read what he wrote.)
I DON’T KNOW, BUT I KNOW I LIKE YOU.
(a beat, then nervously.) Did that work?
KENDRA: Did that work? You bet it did! (They embrace and run off together as LUCY is revealed.)

SCENE 13

LUCY: (Slowly with rage) Umm NO. I don’t think so. (She pulls out her cell phone and begins her revenge.)

#14 – It Can’t Be True

MOLLY: (entering) Oh hey, Lucy? What’s up?

LUCY: Check this out. I just got the juiciest text from Charlotte who told me the nastiest thing about Kendra.
MOLLY: Kendra? No! …What?
LUCY: Alright, I’ll tell you. But you can’t believe Charlotte, I mean we all know one thing for sure…
EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE!
EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER!
CAUSE SHE SAID SHE SAW
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MALL
STANDING FACE TO FACE
LAUGHING, AND TALKING, AND HOLDING HANDS
SLURPING ALL THE WAY TO FIRST BASE!
36
 BUT EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
MOLLY: No way! Kendra and Evan?
LUCY: Yep.
MOLLY: But what about Brett?
LUCY: I know! It’s crazy! But really, really, really, don’t say anything.
MOLLY: Of course not! I won’t say a word. (She leaves LUCY and pulls out her cellphone.)
CASSIE: YELLO?
MOLLY: CASSIE?
LUCY: CHARLOTTE!
CASSIE & CHARLOTTE: YO!
MOLLY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
LUCY: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS,
MOLLY & LUCY: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE
MOLLY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
LUCY: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS IS A LIE
MOLLY & LUCY: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
MOLLY: CAUSE I JUST HEARD THAT—
MOLLY & LUCY: SHE SAID SHE SAW—
MOLLY: KENDRA AND EVAN ON THEIR BIKES
HAVING A LITTLE RACE!
LUCY: MOLLY SAW KENDRA AT THE PARK
LETTING EVAN GET UP IN HER FACE
MOLLY: BUT EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS IS A LIE
MOLLY & LUCY: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
GIRLS: HOLY MACAROLI-O, IT CAN’T BE TRUE
NO, YOU CAN’T REPEAT A SINGLE WORD I’M TELLING YOU
AND OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT BRETT WOULD DO
IF HE HEARD THAT KIND OF A RUMOR
(LUCY hangs up the phone as KENDRA appears.)
LUCY: Kendra, let’s not fight. You won Brett fair and square – I was wrong, okay? And I miss my best
friend.
KENDRA: Aw, Lucy, I miss you too.
LUCY & KENDRA: HUG!
KENDRA: You’re really not mad?
LUCY: Nope! Not mad at you. Not mad at Brett. Not mad at Evan…
KENDRA: Why would you be mad at Evan?
LUCY: Well, it was Evan that convinced Brett to dump me and go back to you. You actually owe Evan a big
thank-you.
KENDRA: Really? What should I do?
LUCY: Let me think. (and then immediately) I know! I’ll arrange a get-together with you and Evan, so you
can thank him!
KENDRA: Really? Is that weird?
LUCY: Tell you what: you be at the Dairy Queen at five o’clock. Then leave the rest to me.
(LUCY now turns and is in front of EVANS house talking to EVAN)
EVAN: …And why does Kendra want to meet me?

37
LUCY: She said she wanted to thank you. But, I can tell her no, I just thought since we were all friends now…
EVAN: No, no. I’ll go. It’s just kind of weird that you’re the one asking me and not her.
LUCY: Geez! You don’t trust anyone. That’s the problem with your people. Five o’clock. The Dairy Queen.
(MOLLY, CASSIE, CHARLOTTE, and LUCY each have a small group of LISTENERS to sing to.
Among them is EDDIE and MALCOLM.)
CHARLOTTE: EVERYTHING CASSIE SAYS IS A LIE
CASSIE: EVERYTHING MOLLY SAYS IS A LIE
LUCY: EVERYTHING CHARLOTTE SAYS
GIRLS: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE
MOLLY: MAKING UP STORIES, I DON’T KNOW WHY
GIRLS: YOU BETTER NOT BELIEVE HER
LUCY: SO DON’T THINK NOTHING,
CHARLOTTE: SHE JUST TOLD ME
MOLLY: SHE SAID SHE SAW
GIRLS: KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE GAME,
AND THEY VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE.
LISTENERS: Yeah?
LATER SHE FOUND THEM NEXT TO THE TRACK FIELD
PLAYING A GAME OF TONGUE CHASE!
ALL: HOLY MACK-A-ROLY-OH, IT CAN’T BE TRUE!
THERE’S AN AWFUL LOT OF TROUBLE THEY CAN GET IN TO!
AND OH! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT BRETT WOULD DO
IF HE HEARD THAT KIND OF A RUMOR?
(PATRICE and ARCHIE find themselves in the middle of the song hearing the rumor grow.)
ARCHIE: Did you hear that?
PATRICE: Who would start a rumor about Kendra and Evan being together?
ARCHIE & PATRICE: Lucy!
PATRICE: We’ve got to warn him!
ARCHIE: He said he was going to go to the Dairy Queen.
PATRICE: Come on!
(Focus shifts to another part of the stage where EDDIE & MALCOLM are confronting BRETT while
the GIRLS and SIMON & RICHIE watch.)
EDDIE: EVERYTHING KENDRA SAYS IS A LIE!
EDDIE & MALCOLM: IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE, IT’S A LIE
MALCOLM: DOING THE TONGUE WITH SOME OTHER GUY,
EDDIE & MALCOLM: YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT
ALL: CAUSE HE SAID SHE SAW
SHE SAID SHE SAW
HE SAID HE SAW
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MALL
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE PARK
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE LAKE
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE MOVIES
KENDRA AND EVAN AT THE ZOO
LUCY: (running in) AND I JUST SAW THEM, RIGHT NOW!
BRETT: Where?

38
LUCY: At the Dairy Queen!
BRETT: Get out of my way!
(BRETT runs off towards the Dairy Queen, and the KIDS follow.)
KIDS: (shouting) Fight! Fight! Fight!..

SCENE 14

(Scene shifts to show KENDRA meeting up with EVAN at the Dairy Queen. She is trying to remain perky, but
he isn’t comfortable.)

KENDRA: So! Hi!

EVAN: So. Hi.
KENDRA: Soooo, thank you for getting Brett to come back to me.
EVAN: You’re welcome.
KENDRA: Oooooooooooookay.
EVAN: Okay.
KENDRA: Thank you hug? (She tentatively goes toward him)
EVAN: Oh, wow. Hug. Sure. (They hug very awkwardly)
(BRETT crashes in with all the KIDS, sees EVAN and KENDRA.)
BRETT: Unreal!
KENDRA: Brett!
BRETT: (pushing KENDRA aside roughly) Step away from her, man.
KENDRA: We weren’t doing anything.
(BRETT steps closer and closer to EVAN with each line until he is in his face.)
EVAN: Brett, it’s not what you think!
BRETT: Is that my girlfriend?
EVAN: Yeah—
BRETT: Were you touching her?
EVAN: Yeah, but—
BRETT: It’s what I think. (BRETT is now directly in EVAN’s face, but EVAN stands tall.)
EVAN: Brett, this is crazy! Why would I try something with Kendra after I was the one who got you two back
together!?
(ARCHIE and PATRICE rush in and stop at the edge of the crowd.)
BRETT: (refusing to acknowledge the question) You’re not gonna talk your way outta this, we all saw what
you did. Go on back to your loser friends. They’re the only ones coming to your lame party anyways.
EVAN: (a realization) Wait. You were never gonna come. Were you?
BRETT: Duh! Like I’m gonna be stuck with that bunch of freaks. (gesturing to PATRICE & ARCHIE)
MALCOLM: As if.
(EVERYONE laughs.)
EVAN: You’d be lucky to be stuck with these freaks! You don’t deserve to hang with my friends.
BRETT: The geek and the cripple? Yeah, lucky me.
(ALL laugh again.)
EVAN: You’re such a jerk.
ALL: Ooooooh! (gasp, adlibs, etc as the KIDS take a step back.)
BRETT: Did you just call me a jerk?

39
 EVAN: I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out. You know what? (finally enraged, EVAN shoves
BRETT on each “want” of the preceding line.) I don’t WANT you to come to my party! I don’t WANT you to
be my friend! And I don’t ever WANT you to talk to me again! (with definite finality) You suck, Brett!
(BRETT punches EVAN in the face. EVAN crumples to the ground and PATRICE runs to his side.)
PATRICE: Evan!
BRETT: Who sucks now? (to KENDRA) Have fun with your new friends, Kendra.
KENDRA: Brett! No!
BRETT: Come on Lucy.
LUCY: I’m right behind you Brett.
(BRETT heads off with most of the KIDS following.)
KENDRA: I didn’t do anything!
LUCY: You gotta watch out in this town. People starts the nastiest rumors.
ARCHIE: Kendra…
KENDRA: What?
ARCHIE: For what it’s worth, I think you can do better than Brett.
KENDRA: You’re sweet Arnie.
ARCHIE: Archie.
KENDRA: Archie. Thank you. (She gives him a kiss on the cheek, then she looks at the company she is
keeping, panics, then runs offstage yelling.) Brett! No! Wait!
ARCHIE: (watching her go.) Wow. She really is a moron.
(PATRICE helps EVAN to a sitting position. He is still in pain from BRETT’s punch.)
PATRICE: I know you’re in intense pain right now, but someone needed to say that to Brett a long time ago.
EVAN: Glad I could help. Ow.
ARCHIE: You just totally sealed your fate here.
EVAN: I know.
PATRICE: Like forever.
EVAN: I know.
ARCHIE: Grab a crutch.
PATRICE: You’re stuck with us now.
EVAN: You told me six weeks ago what jerks those guys were, and I just didn’t listen! I should have trusted
you.
PATRICE: You know what? It just passed.
EVAN: What did.
PATRICE: Me hating you.
EVAN: Thanks.
ARCHIE: You okay, Ev?
EVAN: Since the day I got here, I’ve been driving myself and everyone else crazy so I could
have…something I didn’t even want. Forget it. I’m just gonna call my Bar Mitzvah off.
PATRICE: Why?
EVAN: What’s the point? It won’t be what I planned. It’ll just be “Losers-R-Us.” No offense. What’s the
point of that. What’s the point of anything?

#15 – If That’s What It Is

ARCHIE: Okay…
IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
40
 THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS
YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT TO JUST FORGET IT
LETS FACE IT YOU’VE WORKED SO HARD AND NOW YOU’RE SCARRED
AND FREE OF ANY HOPE
I GUESS YOU SHOULD MOPE
FORGET WHAT YOU’VE PLANNED
HEY, I UNDERSTAND.
IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS
THOUGH THAT’S NOT THE WAY I CHOOSE TO SEE IT
I HAVE MY OWN VIEW THAT WORKS WITH ALL THESE JERKS
AND UNENLIGHTENED FOOLS
I MAKE MY OWN RULES, I DO WHAT I CAN
IF I HIT THE WALL THEN MAYBE IT’S ALL JUST PART OF THE PLAN
TOMORROW WILL COME, TODAY WILL BE GONE
AND SO I PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON
PATRICE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
ARCHIE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
PATRICE: WHAT ALSO IS TRUE
ARCHIE: WHAT ALSO IS TRUE
PATRICE & ARCHIE: IS IT MAY NOT ALWAYS BE DISASTER
PATRICE: I REALIZE THAT NOW IT IS BUT HOW IT IS
ISN’T HOW IT’S GOT BE
ANOTHER DAY COMES, ANOTHER DAY GOES
AND IF I GET TEASED OR HURT OR LIED TO OR PUNCHED IN THE NOSE
I SAY I WON’T CRY, I CRY UNTIL DAWN
AND THEN I PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
PATRICE & ARCHIE: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
PATRICE: AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON
EVAN: I’M BECOMING A MAN
MAYBE ALL THAT IT MEANS IS
I FACE THE WORLD FOR WHAT IT IS
AND NOT WHAT I WISH IT COULD BE
I’M BECOMING A MAN
WANTING EVERYTHING FALL INTO PLACE
I SWING, I MISS
I’LL GET THROUGH THIS
I ALMOST GUARANTEE
ONE DAY I’LL BE THIRTY
ONE DAY I’LL BE FINE
ONE DAY I’LL MAKE FUN OF THIS DRAMATIC LIFE OF MINE
ONE DAY I’LL BE OLDER
AND THEN I’LL WRITE A BOOK
ABOUT THE CHOICES THAT I MADE
41
 PATRICE: THE CHOICES THAT YOU MADE
EVAN: AND THE CHANCES THAT I TOOK
PATRICE: THE CHANCES THAT YOU—
(EVAN leans in and suddenly kisses PATRICE. They stop abruptly. Awkward moment, then they both
smile at each other and then hold hands.)
ARCHIE: IF THAT’S WHAT IT IS
THEN THAT’S WHAT IT IS
AT LEAST UNTIL DISNEY CAN RE-WRITE IT
WE PUT OUR SHOES AND SOCKS AND TAKE THE KNOCKS
AND WISH THAT IT WOULD CHANGE
PATRICE: AND MAYBE IT WILL
EVAN: AND MAYBE IT CAN
ARCHIE: UNTIL THEN YOU TRUST THAT ALL THIS IS JUST BECOMING A MAN
PATRICE: YOU TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT
ALL THREE: CAUSE LOOK WHAT YOU’VE GOT
PATRICE: GO ON AND PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
EVAN: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
ARCHIE: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
EVAN: ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER
ARCHIE: THE CRIP, THE GEEK, THE JEW AND HIS MOTHER
PATRICE: AND JUST KEEP WALKING ON

SCENE 15

EVAN: The amazing thing was my Bar Mitzvah wasn’t completely empty. Patrice and Archie were there. My
Aunt Jessie and Uncle Phil came from Florida, and my Dad came. Which was good, I guess. And he and mom
sat behind me and I even caught them holding hands. And for a couple of minutes, it felt like we were a family
again.

#16 – A Little More Homework To Do

EVAN: IF YOU STAND HERE BEHIND ME

AND YOU CALL ME A MAN
AND YOU’RE COUNTING ON ME TO COME THROUGH
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I’LL GIVE YOU THE BEST THAT I CAN
BUT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
BEN: IF YOU’RE WALKING BESIDE ME
AND YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS
YOU SHOULD KNOW I’M DEPENDING ON YOU
SO YOU GOTTA HANG IN THERE TILL THE WHOLE STORY ENDS
CAUSE WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DUNCAN: CAUSE I’VE BEEN LOOKING IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR THE ANSWERS
HOPING THE BELL WOULDN’T CHIME
BUT I’M NOT READY TO PUT DOWN MY PENCIL JUST SET
THERE ARE TOO MANY ANSWERS THAT I DIDN’T GET
I NEED A LITTLE LESS PRESSURE AND A LITTLE MORE TIME
42
 AVA: I’M TRYING TO FOLLOW
I’M TRYING TO LEAD
I’M TRYING TO FIND WHAT IS TRUE
ADDY: BUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO STAND WITH ME
THEN YOU HAVE TO CONCEDE
THAT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
JUNA: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OLDER
A LITTLE BIT TALLER
A LITTLE BIT BETTER
A LITTLE BIT
AUDREY: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
AND THE DAYS BEFORE ALL GO TOO FAST
YOU CAN’T HOLD ON
SO, YOU GO
JUNA/AUDREY/AVA/ADDY: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY
LAUREN: I’M A LITTLE BIT OLDER
A LITTLE BIT STRONGER
A LITTLE BIT SMARTER
A LITTLE BIT
ALL ON STAGE: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
ANNA: AND THE DAYS AHEAD COMING ON SO QUICK
YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF THE WAY, KEEP RUNNING
ALL: DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS,
TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
AND I’M A LITTLE BIT OLDER
A LITTLE BIT FASTER
A LITTLE BIT CLOSER
A LITTLE BIT
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
AND THE SKY GOES BLUE
AND THE SKY GOES BLACK
AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
YOU CAN’T GO BACK
YOU GO DAY INTO DAY INTO DAY
EVAN: I turned 13, my parents got divorced and I moved from New York City to the middle of nowhere.
ALL: DAY INTO DAY INTO DAY
PATRICE: I turned 13 and I kissed a boy!
KENDRA: I turned 13 and I signed a True Love Waits pledge.
ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY,
TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY, TURNS TO DAY
LUCY: I learned that spreading rumors, kills friendships.
BRAYDEN: I got busted for driving my dad’s pick up!
43
 ALL: AND I’M A LITTLE BIT BRAVER
A LITTLE BIT BROADER
A LITTLE BIT BRIGHTER
A LITTLE BIT
ARCHIE: I turned 13 and I had to have spinal cord surgery. Man, that sucked.
ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY TURNS TO DAY
AVERY: I discovered that Hip-Hop is my passion!
ALL: DAY TURNS TO DAY TURNS TO DAY
BRETT: I got dumped!
KAITLYN: AND I’VE BEEN LOOKING IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK FOR THE ANSWERS
HOPING THE BELL WOULDN’T CHIME
DUNCAN: I won the science fair!
SYDNEY CONRAD: BUT I’M NOT READY TO PUT DOWN MY PENCIL JUST YET
RILEY: THERE ARE TOO MANY ANSWERS THAT I DIDN’T GET
SYDNEY MORGAN: I NEED A LITTLE LESS PRESSURE
ALL: AND A LITTLE MORE TIME
I’M TRYING TO FOLLOW, I’M TRYING TO LEAD
I’M TRYING TO LEARN WHAT IS TRUE
I’M TRYING TO BE WHAT YOU WANT AND I NEED
BUT WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
A LITTLE MORE HOMEWORK TO DO
DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY TURNS, TO DAY
(The KIDS have been fading away. EVAN turns to the audience.)
EVAN: My name is Evan Goldman. I live at 24 Plains Drive, Appleton, Indiana. I’m 13 years old. And I’m
just getting started.

#17 – Brand New You

SCENE 16

SYDNEY MORGAN: I SAW THE COVER AND I JUDGE THE BOOK

I TURNED AWAY WITHOUT A SECOND LOOK
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
RILEY: I TOLD MYSELF I BETTER RUN AND HIDE
I NEVER NOTICED WHAT WAS THERE INSIDE
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
AND I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM LOVING EVERY ITTY BITTY THING YOU DO
44
 ALL: HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
SYDNEY CONRAD: I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE I WAS MEANT TO BE
I FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE THERE FOR ME
ALL: BUT NOW, NOW, NOW
SYDNEY CONRAD: I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
ALL: YOU, YOU! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!
GWYNETH & CHLOE: I NEVER KNEW THAT YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!
GWYNETH & CHLOE: BUT I LOOKED UP AND YOU REACHED OUT YOUR HAND
BUT NOW, NOW, NOW, I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU
ALL: I OPENED MY EYES, OOH
KAITLYN: AND THERE’S A GREAT BIG WORLD AROUND
ALL: I OPENED MY EYES
KAITLYN: AND JUST LOOK, JUST LOOK
LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND!
GIRLS: NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
ALL: NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA-NA, NA
NA-NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA
HEY! YEAH!
I OPEN MY EYES
MADDIE: AND THERE’S A GREAT, BIG WORLD AROUND
ALL: I OPEN MY EYES
MADDIE: AND JUST LOOK, JUST LOOK, LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND!
ALL: HOO! I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU! HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU! HOO!
I SEE A BRAND NEW YOU!

#18 – Bows

THE END

45