The most difficult thing I had to do growing up was accepting my weaknesses.

I am a
listener, what do listeners do? Well, we listen. We listen to stories, we listen to lessons, we
listen to opinions, we listen to instructions; we hear everything. This meant we also heard
things we weren’t supposed to hear.

If you asked me my hobby 6 years ago, I would have said singing, without hesitation. I loved
singing and I did it all the time. I wasn’t genre-specific even; be it R & B, soul, hip-hop…
you name it. I loved singing so much, that it took me three years of failed auditions to realize
that I didn’t really have the voice for it. It was a bad time, probably my lowest. I remember
being consumed by jealousy and getting incredibly upset every time someone brought up the
topic. Looking back, I’ve asked myself why, why did I feel that way? Why did I take it so
seriously? What was it about anyway?

Well I was sad, I had my expectations. I may or may not have gotten cold feet in one or two
IF not all those auditions. I may or may not have gotten incredibly excited at some point and
just messed up my entire plan. It didn’t really matter what the reason was, I didn’t want to
accept it. I didn’t think it was possible. I kept saying “it can’t be, it couldn’t, shouldn’t be…”.
But it was exactly that; and well, I was incredibly disappointed in myself. Where do these
thoughts stem up from anyway? Why did it really come up to me saying things like this?
How, in what way did it end up with me searching and demanding for things that aren’t even
mine to begin with?

After I came to terms with the fact that I’d probably never actually “sing”; and I say it with
air quotes because I never could actually sing, I just convinced myself that I could. But it did
make me rethinking every other decision ever.

I remember wanting to be a physicist, all the way through high school I thought I’d grow up
to become a research scientist despite being a “B” student. But where I grew up, we didn’t
talk about things we weren’t good at. In fact, I was taught to stem up love based on skills I
mastered. Loving something I wasn’t good at meant I’d probably never amount to anything. I
was convinced that, if you were ‘average’, you’d blend right in instead of standing out… and
life wasn’t very kind for the average. I’d apply for university; they tell you go to the best,
then the second best… in that order; never asked what I loved because it was practically
believed that I’d love nothing but to be the best, not that I ever cared- at least not back then. I
remember keeping most of these details to myself, because every time somebody asked me…
I felt really small and never really said it. A particular somebody came up and said to me that
my ambitions did not quite match my achievements. The person probably intended for it to be
funny; but it was by far the biggest dent I had in my self-esteem.

It all comes down to expectations. Well; expectations, the culture of comparisons, the strive
for perfection, the need for a purpose… the list could go on. The culture of comparison can
source damage inside of us. Not just the comparisons others have for us; I’m talking about
the damage you could do to yourself. What it could do to you when you look at you, and see
in you an image of someone else. OR when you look at you, but can’t find the image you so
much yearn to see.

Sometimes it’s you setting these incredibly high goals for yourself, then hate yourself
because you couldn’t accomplish them. Sometimes it’s your overly exhausting ego trip that
neither ends nor find its destination. The biggest damage inside you can only be done by you.
You don’t always need to break the ship to see water get inside… sometimes you could be
the one helping it in; pail after pail right through the top. That is in fact the concept of self-
damage.

So what can you do to yourself? Forgive yourself more; instead of getting upset at yourself,
talk to you the way you would like others to address you. Negative self-talk can be an anchor.
We should probably ask ourselves questions like, “could I really stand on a podium, and say
out loud the things I tell myself?”

The first time the idea of taking a leadership position crossed my mind, I remember striking it
off really fast, with a frown in my face, telling myself, "seriously??". I had never done it
before, nobody thought I was good at it. I was never known to be good at it. In fact, if you
went to back right now to anybody who's known me a year back and told them about it; their
first reaction would be, "who? Well she does talk quite a lot though…" and in those exact
words, I assure you.
But the worst (or best) part about considering something the first time is that it will never
leave your mind, unless you do something about it.

The most unusual thing was, while everyone around me seemed to take my decision with a
grain of salt, I ended being the one going extra miles to make myself uncomfortable.
When I found out that I had to talk to people even before the actual campaign, I bailed out.
A friend of mine came to me and told me, “so you call these people, fill out a form, go for an
interview… just so you stop here?” A question which, at greatest case, made my whole
shenanigan feel a bit absurd. So I did pull up my big girl pants and did this thing. I did end up
getting the position in the end.

But what the whole situation made me realize was how a slight push can have the most
ordinary person make a move so significant.
I learnt that until I decide to be kind to myself, no amount of courtesy from the world will
ever surpass the weight of my own insecurities.
I understood that until I learn to be kind to me... that until I start to give myself time to learn
and unlearn... fail and start again, I'd never truly find myself.
I understood that if I can't be that girl who auditioned for three years straight and failed every
time but still keep her head high... no amount of motivation could fuel me.
We could let people become the best version of themselves if we started with letting them be
themselves.
Being yourself means going for that one aspiration you have and not because of your limited
skills, but in spite of them. I believe being average means stemming up your skills based on
what you like, even if the effort invested is above your pay grade. I vouch for the average
child not just because I am one, but also because their capabilities could be limitless.