45p 17-30 DECEMBER 1986

any Dm3. Holland HFL2.35. SingaporeS$3) U3 f\cvc<*

SMASH HITS YOU THINK THIS IS THE MOST FANCIABLE

MAN IN THE UNIVERSE???

ON TOUR WITH

YOli' ^
MADONNA-
POSTER

ALISON
MOYET I

TTieSfmsH Hits Readers1

THE HOUSEMARTINS PET SHOP BOYS DURAN DURAN
NICK BERRY SIGUE“SIGUE”SPUTNIK (HemHem)
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Pl&Y it ‘Til YouR. H£/k&T'S comt^T
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 Tfit UK Annual CimsbH'fcsfteaJere'&U
• West V©r«j Humble. TWry
1. GEORGE MICHAEL out of school - if you get my
2. PRINCE ^perhaps they^woul-' — —
3. SPIDERS
Dave Clarke (Keeper at the London Zoo Spider
House): “It's a pity spiders always get this bad
press. We love them. The only deadly ones are vhole thing too seriously? Give me
the Black Widow and they're the size of a pea. — ■- I'll get back to you.. ."(The next
Actually I’m quite attached to some of the spiders day) Trrrrrrringl “Hel it's a Department of
gl ‘Hello,
we keep. They've got characters so you can tell Education andu Scier
e_:—3 spokesperson here. Let
them apart. There's a bird-eating spider called _,,...(Clears throat) 'It is an
.m quite fond of - she’s two years old undisputed fact that the people who found school
horrible invariably have only affectionate
memories of their schooldays. Was it Kenny ^
4. MARGARET THATCHER
5. SAMANTHA FOX 'The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is
6. SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK tLMARTIN DEGVILLE
eal X: "We seem to be completely Neal X: “Well, he is obnoxious. That's his charm.
sinterpreted by the British public. I think we're His mouth works at a different rate to his mind. He
en to be horrible instead of as a glorious, sap incredibly rude and obnoxious things and

're pathetic? What can I say? Surely they ci day-to-day exi

9. MADONNA
7. SCHOOL." * 10. TORIES
>n for the Department of lers-iip: Boy George, M
ssey, Wogan, EastEnden

• Best TV HD •Worst TV
1. LEVI’S "I've made 21 of these 1. NESCAFE
James Mardle (the bloke in the bath Gareth Hunt: “Irritating? What do you mean
in the Levi's 501s ad in which they play irritating? Well, as long as people notice it,
“Wonderful World"): “It's the peak of a then it works. It's like any programme on TV. If
modelling career, doing a Levi's advert, it gets a reaction, then that's good. If people
isn’t it? Am I going to become a pop star forget about it, then you’re in trouble.”
now (i.e. like Nick Kamen)? Urn, no. I'm 2. ARIEL
hoping to try a bit of acting though. Does 3. FAIRY SNOW
being in a Lew's ad mean that I get
mobbed in the street by girls (i.e. like 4. PERSIL
Nick Kamen)? Not that I've noticed, no. 5. BRITISH GAS
You see, the ad that I appeared in you
6. ANDREX 6. FAIRY LIQUID
can’t really see much of my face. It’s not
7. COCA COLA
really that heavily featured so I don't get 7. CADBURY’S BOOST
8. BRITISH GAS 8. MAXWELL HOUSE
2?OXO 9. TENNENT’S LAGER 9. KELLOGG’S CORNFLAKES
3. CARLING BLACK LABEL 10. ARIEL 10. WHITBREAD BITTER
4. BRITISH TELECOM p: Holsten Pils, Persil, Runners-Up: Whiskas, Crest, Kit-E-Kat,
5. NESCAFE MacDonalds.
mm SAIP THEY WERE rn*nHm,
' ME Home".
CHRISTMAS CtmftS.J&i

"piEASUM oNE
HEAVEN'-' " ;a>"JTEND£f,s
FEAn/R'N6'

madness" TUR MADNESS"BEST OF, FEATURING.

"WAITING Ft ' THE GHOST TRAIN" "WINGS Of A DOV.

"IN TOO DEEP', "INVISIBLE TOUCH"

"LAND of confusion'. _,-"

WEli... HE WASN'TMtSTAm !
exceptional albums on compact disc, cassette &
aecoRD Except spitting image "spitin vour ear"
( r-ANIX AVAILABLE ON BORING OLD VINYL & TAPE ) .
THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK

.
'i .: ’
&

THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK

THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK THE ACTION BANK

THE ACTION BANK

THE ACTION BANK
•
THE ACTION BANK
•
THE ACTION BANK

THE ACTION BANK

«!> NatWest THE ACTION BANK
CARAVAN OF LOVE THE HOUSEMARTINS
 TWELVE INCH
MIXES
SIDE ONE GOLD • LIFELINE • ROUND AND ROUND ■ ONLY WHEN YOU LEAVE
SIDE TWO INSTINCTION • HIGHLY RESTRUNG • TRUE • COMMUNICATION
SIDE THREE I’LL FLY FOR YOU • TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT
CHANT NO 1 (I Don’t Need This Pressure On) • SHE LOVED LIKE DIAMOND
SIDE FOUR PAINT ME DOWN ■ THE FREEZE • MUSCLEBOUND
 * * &KV
ir/l

08TIN ®tiii Austin

THE NEW LP ■ CASSETTE • CD

fenLgr

'All I want for Christmas is a Fuzzbox because

Address.

Post Code
 [Swish... sperlish... sperlOOOsh...)
Yoohoo pop cubes! Bitz here - orl on
the ocean “main” (whatever that is),
far from the bickerin' ’n’ squabblin'
back in “Blighters", free from the

it’s deserted! The Bubonic Plague

from scoffing eucalyptus-“flavoured"
spook-berries! The... (SniiiiiplI)

Hello viewers. Bitz here with

a very large lump on its head
because it's just crashed into
a boulder after inventing a pair of bird's wings from a pair of gigantic dandelions ar
trying to fly. Sniff. Not exactly much to do round here.
Croaks! What can that be fizzin' n’ swizzin’ under the very boulder that’s just trieu
to kill B/'tz? (Peeks under rock.) It’s a miniature portable TV! It's a “miracle”! Hang on
- there’s a note attached. “Hello. I’m your brand spinkling new black and white
Citizen Pocket Television complete with built-in radio and headphones which means
I'm a swank-TV. I cost £99.95 and the only way anyone in the universe can own one
of me is by mail-order from Laeger Electronics, a division of Citizen Watch (UK) Ltd,
CP House, 97-107 Uxbridge Road, Ealing, London W5 5TP or by phoning the
pipesque mail-order “hot”line on 0272 217057 (for orders only). Goodbye."
“Fancy” that! Let’s have a look then shall we? (ffzzthtckl) SperYEEE! It's the
insufferable Channel 4 “quiz” “show" - Countdown! With gormless Richard Whitely
and smirksome Giles so-called “Brandreth”! Bitz is not watching that! So one of you
can have it viewers - in fact, four more have just been discovered (hem hem) under
a passing scorpion’s “nose" so you can have them too. The question:
What was the first “programme” ever to appear on Channel 4? Was it: a)
Grampian Sheepdog Trials', b) Speak Gaelic in 2475 Easy Steps', c) BBC Nine
O'clock News-, d) Countdown or e) some Japanese Arty-Farty Guff? Answers on
Giles “Brandreth” to Smash Hits/“l’m Going To Watch Telly Whilst
Preening The Hedge At The Bottom Of The Garden From Now On (Or
Something)” Competition, 52-55 Carnaby Street, London W1V 1PF to
get here by December 30.

• Thirteen Moons. Hmmn. What does that

mean viewers? Is it: a) what Bitz saw the
other night when it’d eaten rather too
many of the local pineapple “fritters” sprinkled
with essence of twig and went a bit wibbly in the
head; b) the brand name of a type of pitch-fork
(??- Ed) or c) the name of a group? Correct! It's
b). Except it's c). YUS! And what’s even more
“fascinating” is...
* They're Swedish!
* They make moodaway, stringly music with a
saxophone in it and it all sounds rather sad!
■ Their names are Mats Gunnarsson, Anders
Holm and Goran Klintberg which sound pretty
funny!
* One of them has the most horrific spook-
“beard” ever invented!
* One of them’s heard of Sade!
* One of them almost sat on a loo once that
had a live rat in it but he spotted it in the “nick" of
time otherwise he might have had to go to
hospital for a very very long time and might even

▲
have... (SniiiiPII.I)

What can you say about Tina

Turner? Well, you can say she’s
not on this island for a start. You
can say she's got a head covered with furry
stuff that flies about when she sings. You
can say she's pretty “raunchy”. You can
say whatever you like really, because she
won’t hear you haw haw!
Anyway, if you actually like seeing the
gal grooving, you might like to see her one
hour TV special entitled Tina Breaks All
The Rules (recorded at the Camden
Palace) and it’s being shown on ITV on
December 28 at 10 o’clock. So there.
 .stroll stroll.. .canter. . .breeze. . .stroll.
the glimmering grains ripping through one's toes and wearing the curly
cockles on the end of one's toe-nails just like hats (or something).. .STUB!!
Aaiieee!!! (Hops up and down for several minutes clutching a toe.) What can
have caused Bitz so much suffering that it'll probably have to go to hospital
for a very long time if a toe goes “septic”? (Swishes around in the sand...)
Geeks! Seems to be the edge of a record1. (Swishes around a bit more...)
Triple geeks! It's zurbillions of records and some dodgy old clothing and
books and such “delights"! (Thinks: Bitz could pretend these were actually
competition prizes and give them away to the viewers who'd never know it's
really a pile of washed-up sga-shore remnants!!) Ahipi.ehim. It just so
happens, pop snoots: that what BHz hep chanced upon is this week's array
Of Utterly Magnificent competition-prizes!! What a ceknddehtfeV<. Yusl-Just
think - you could be the proup possessor of-all fh/s:’(spigger guffaw).
 'Hello. I'm your resident island
ghost and I've got billowy black
hair and fluorescent white arms
and I've been spooking around
this island for 857 years since
1 thatfatefulday when I waseaten
. bY a giganhc pineafjjjie 'chunk'
... sorryaboutthat
jrs, came over all goofy
■ there with the never-ending
f steamaway sunshine. THIS is
actually a photograh of a bloke
_JBee who's in a rather magnificent new
group called Into A Circle (?!). He used to be a
model and appeared in lots of girlie cry-baby
"journals" because he's quite handsome or
something. And then he went to Japan to
become a famous keyboard player except he
didn't become very famous at all and
returned to Britain to become a spook-person
in a spook-band called PsychicTV instead.
And then! - he met a bloke called Barry who
once invented a completely brilliant group
called Southern Death Cult but who was very
peeved because they'd split up due to their
lead singer Ian Astbury charging off into the
sunset to form quite famous groupThe Cult
from their "remains".
And so they became a group called Getting
The Fear who sailed swiftly down rock's lost
drainpipe, until-serWISHI-they "suddenly"
became Into A Circle. Their new EP's called
"Inside Out", it's a swirlsahoy guitar thingie DESERT ISLAND CRAFT CORNER
and it's better than a poke in the eye by a
Venus fly-trap which is what Bte has just
stood on. Curses!

i
MADONNA
SMASH HITS
1
THE No 1 MUSIC STATION the PHONE.

■SB
Presented by Mike Smith and Janice Long
If you want a direct connection to
the latest chart sounds, Livewire puts you
straight through to the best in music on
the phone.
It’s great for keeping up to date with
the top singles. Music news. New releases.
And DJ’s Mike Smith and Janice Long
keep it all going every day with news,
reviews and guests.
So get on the Livewire line any time
day or night. And dial the number
you want for the music you want to hear.
No hang-ups.

L*V E W i R E
0 8 9 8 -1 2 1 3 1 4
A call to Livewire costs between 41p per minute peak and standard rate,and 26p per minute cheap rate®
Kate Bush Eurythmics
The Whole Story.£5.99 Revenge £5.29
Hits 5 Various Artists £7.49 The Police Every Breath
Huey Lewis & The News You Take-Singles £5.99
Fore!.£5.49 Peter Gabriel
Bruce Springsteen So.£5.29
Live 1975-1985.£24.99 Chris de Burgh
Paul Simon Graceland.£5.49 Into The Light £5.49
Top Gun Genesis
Original Soundtrack.£5.49 Invisible Touch £5.29
Lionel Richie
Dancing On The Ceiling.£5.49

Spandau Ballet
Through The Barricades £5.49
Tina Turner
Five Star Silk & Steel £5.29 Break Every Rule £5.29
Elton John Duran Duran
Leather Jackets.£5.49 Notorious.£5.49
Paul Young
Between Two Fires.£5.49
Cyndi Lauper
True Colors £5.49
Madonna True Blue £5.29

Madness
Here are just some of the most popular current Utter Madness....
LP’s and cassettes that we have at special Hit List prices. Santana
All these titles are also available on Viva Santana - Best Of.£5.99
compact disc, and we are currently offering all Kool & The Gang
Now 8
single compact discs for only £10.99 or less.* Forever.£5.29
Various Artists.
Queen
A-Ha
Live Magic.
Scoundrel Days.
Bob Geldof Deep In
Frankie Goes To
Hollywood Liverpool The Heart OfNowhere.£5.49

▼YHSMITH^i
.SHAKE >t>li Down
Ooohoohyeahgirl I been watchingyou
That’s nothing ne***
I've watched yo__
I see that look inyour eye (Iook in your eyej
And you know ooh girl that I'm not shy
I'm glad you picked up on my telepathy now baby

^ (Now I want to shake you down)

Well well (I can give you all the loving you need)
I'm gonna love you (come on let me take you down)
Oh baby (we'll go all the way to heaven)
Ooh I been missing you
And the wayyou make me feel inside
I can tell you that you're bright now baby
(Ooh) come to me well well (come to me)
Let me ease your mind
Oh babe I got the remedy ha yes I do
Now just give me a little time
(You read my mind now I want to shake you down)
(I can give you all the loving you need)
I’m gonna love you (loving you need)
(Come on let me take you down) well well
(We'll go all the way to heaven)
Girl I been missing you
And you know it's funny
Every time I get to feeling this way
I wish I had you near me
I wanna reach out and touch you
I can’t stop thinking of the things we do
The way you call me baby when I'm holding you
I shake and I shiver when I know you're near
Then you whisper in my ear oh babe well well

fUCOW AZboTT
 No we don t like to be
beside the seaside.

end owing
| to the adverse weather con-
in Dee Day j ditions Ice cream salesmen
had their profits frozen,
amusement park workers
| were not amused and de¬
nearly goes over ckchair attendants said!
that business had com-
pletely folded.
the top.
M otoring Associations warned
"skinnies" against driving
open-top cars in high winds after a
young lady, Ms Win Dee Day, was
practically blown out of her sports
car yesterday.
As she recovered from her ordeal, she
bravely spoke to reporters: “It’s a good
job I hadn’t started
that diet I’d been
meaning to go on. It
was only the excess
weight that kept me
in my seat.”;
 ADVERTISEMENT

om^ ®Sd V^rimsby

AtratoeehelicoP^nds
mm
sjsttf4-5: 111#
SScaS^s &4 few..
window- She ^husbands

over the country. It's

feared that we could
be In the grip of an
epidemic if the freak
weather conditions
persist.
Experts are convinced
that winds would be the
highest ever recorded if
the wind recording
equipment didn’t keep
blowing about in the
 There are dozens of up-to-the-minute Timex designs to choose from
this Christmas. They make the ideal present. Even If it's just to yourself.
But that's not the only reason for giving a Timex.
For every watch bought. Timex will be giving SOp towards building
a Barnardo's home for handicapped children.
With your help, well guarantee Or, Barnardo's £75,000 towards this
project. You'll be helping to build a brighter future for a child you've
never met TIMEX
For further details, phone Timex QHRISTMAS APPEAL
free on 0800 282 642. © Barnardo's
Why Are Bob Geldof, Cyndi Lauper And Paul >
And Why Are Go West, The Pretenders And A

• because they all want to play “sailors” on a

ship (The Ark Royal)
• because they all want to make a TV spectac
Royal: The Rock Show, ITV Christmas Day
• because they all want to spend three days
Gibraltar with some “monkeys” and Smash
“journalist” Chris Heath . . . ?
Photos: Paul Rider
bung "Larking" About On An Aircraft Carrier?
ison Moyet "Larking" About With Them?
through the dec i platform i
 B^cayte. ADROOM
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Ronnevs
 “Hiya, pop goons!! Yip, it’s Jane Fonda here
so let’s all shape up ’n’ ship out the ^
American way with my rilly marvy
Ia aerobics routine, okay, y’all? One two one ,
^ two, get them legs in the air you lazy folks,
trim that flab, push them toes, one two one
two hup hup hup alright don’t it feel
gooood?! (No! - Lots of readers.) Now grip
that ankle with your left arm yeaaaaaah
that’s the way, people!. . .um, oh heck. . .
I’m stuck. . . oh doggawn it, now how in
shucks am I gonna get down to the
newsagent store for the next excruciatingly
fabulous issue of my second fave magazine
after Radical Aerobics For Ageing
Hollywood Actors Monthly i.e. Smash Hits
with its super REVIEW OF THE YEAR, a

4
hunky thang on THE HOUSEMARTINS,
tkN lotsa snazzy hoopla on KIM WILDE and
SPANDAU BALLET, not to mention a look
forward to 1987 like you wouldn’t believe!?
Curses. Boo hoo hoo. Still, all you rilly nice
people will be able to mosey on down there
and - hey, don’t leave me like this. ..

I
MTS }
on sale* Dccemher3i *
'
 i\llV{de
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

YOURS TO KEEP
FOR ONLY
£9.99

OUT NOW
IN ALL GOOD
VIDEO & RECORD
STORES
HOW TO MAKE A POP LP CALLED “NO!
|s PART ONE: “NOTORIOUS”
In which the three members of Duran Duran talk “openly1
“frankly** (and “incomprehensibly**) about the creation of their lat
Moroccan interview: Tom Hibbert
 yVImagine somebody who knows a bit equipment with someone who carries the AIDS
AmJL about drugs. Somebody who's smoked, virus is the easiest way to get infected.
swallowed and snorted most things. Now does this somebody sound a little like
But so far, they’ve never used a needle. you? If it does, don’t inject. And never share.
If they do, though, the first needle they use will For more information and advice, please
probably be somebody else’s. phone 01-981 7140 or 0345 581858. (If dialling
At that moment, they’ll be in serious danger from outside London, use the 0345 number and
of catching AIDS. Because sharing a needle or you will be charged at local rates.)
shiver"] FILL YOUR
SOCKS
OCK

GEORGE
BENSON

--fill—
Oh yusl In fact, they air their opinions on everything from EastEnders to Edwina Currie’s “breath” (speeYOO!!)

OvisbvvfC. fl|o (l/lortinb&iillt

POP STARS - THEY BLETHER!!
POP STARS- (OH SHUT

Singl*! Anytlifr^Jy a TV personality

Vfd*tt%lything by a TV personality or
m $TR(lNGlEltf
^Blfr UMHWICR*
□00
THE COMMUNARDS
SMASH HITS
THE HOUSEMARTINS