This is a Test (One-act Play)

Characters: Setting:
Alan - Allain Chris - Cody The Classroom
Lois - Ace Pat - Anne
Teacher - Marynelle William - William
Evan – Fidel The Voice – Renz
Props:
5 Bluebooks Uniforms Teacher’s wrist watch Basketball
Test papers Basketball Jersey Record book Chairs
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
High pitched alarm sound blares
VOICE: This is a test. For the next sixty minutes, this classroom will conduct a test for your
emergency information retrieval system. This is only a test.
There are five desks and behind them a large blackboard. Two of the desks are occupied by
LOIS and ALAN. LOIS is neatly groomed. ALAN is a mess. His shirt is unbuttoned incorrectly,
his socks do not match, and his hair sticks out at odd angles. His expression is both dazed and
frantic.
ALAN: I shouldn’t have done this.
LOIS: You’re fine
ALAN: No, I need to study some more (stutters) I should’ve slept last night. (Opens his books
and frantically thumbs through them)
LOIS: Would you just relax? You either know it or you don’t. The best thing to do right now is
relax.
ALAN: No, I can’t relax. You know what I learned last night? This is all I learned, that the Battle
of Hastings was in ten-sixty-six. You know what else I learned? I learned that Thomas Edison’s
middle name is ‘Alva’ That’s all! If the test asks when was the Battle of Hastings, I can say “Ten-
sixty-six” If it asks, “What was Thomas Edison’s middle name, I can say “Alva”. Other than that,
I’m completely sunk.
LOIS: No you’re not.
ALAN: Evan wouldn’t have done this.
LOIS: What does Evan have to do with this?
ALAN: He has the best grades in the class and he didn’t stay up all last night.
LOIS: Who cares?
ALAN: He’s going to get better grades than I am and he didn’t have you calling him every half
an hour to say “Are you still awake?” (he snarls) Yes, Lois, I am still awake. I am still awake
Lois. I am still awake!
LOIS: Calm down!
ALAN: (After a pause, much calmer) I’m sorry. (He pauses) It’s all that caffeine. It makes me
nervous.
The TEACHER enters carrying the tests
TEACHER: Good morning, I hope we’re all rested and ready to go, I know I am (Notices Alan
being nervous, She walks to him and speaks in a soft voice) Alan, are you okay?
ALAN: I’m fine.
TEACHER: (Taps his armchair) okay (Stands up straight and acknowledges the whole class
once more) Now, I’d like for you to keep in mind that this isn’t only a test. This is your midterm.
How you do today, has a large impact on your overall grade point average, which has a major
impact on deciding which college you might be accepted to. So like I said, remember this isn’t
only a test, this is your future (Checks her watch) in 58 minutes. Any last questions?
CHRIS raises his hand
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
CHRIS: Oh uh … What is Thomas Edison’s middle name?
TEACHER: Alva, but don’t worry that’s not on the test. Alright, let’s get started. (Starts handing
out the test papers) I’d like you to remember that all of the questions came right off the review
sheets, so if you studied, you’ll be just fine,
ALAN: (Panicked) Review sheets?
TEACHER: Yes, I handed them out last week. Didn’t you get one?
ALAN: No!
TEACHER: That’s a shame. I don’t know how that could have happened. Everyone who did get
the review sheet please raise your hands.
Everyone except ALAN raises their hand. ALAN scoffs in disbelief, feeling betrayed seeing
LOIS also has his hand raised.
TEACHER: That’s a shame, they might have helped you (Walks to Alan and speaks in a soft
voice) Don’t worry, you’ll do just fine. (Straightens up and addresses the whole class) Alright
everyone, begin.
The students look through their papers, they immediately begin to write, they really look like
they know the answers to the test questions very well. ALAN also began to read his test.
VOICE: Section one, multiple choice. Question one. In what year was the Battle of Hastings
(pause) A. Ten-sixty-two.
ALAN: No.
VOICE: B. Ten-sixty-three.
ALAN: No.
VOICE: C. Ten-sixty-four.
ALAN: No.
VOICE: D. Ten-sixty-seven.
ALAN: Where is ten-sixty-six?
PAT: (Raises her hand) Can I get another bluebook please?
TEACHER: Surely, here you go. (She gives a bluebook to Pat)
CHRIS raises his hand
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
CHRIS: How much time do we have left?
ALAN: (Frantic) What happened to ten-sixty-six?
TEACHER: There’s fifty-six minutes left.
ALAN: Where is ten-sixty-six?!
TEACHER: Something the matter Alan?
ALAN: No, It’s just … (He stares at the teacher for a moment.) I can’t answer the first question.
TEACHER: Well, that shouldn't be a problem, it's not worth that much, is it? (ALAN looks at the
test)
VOICE: Five points.
ALAN: No.
TEACHER: Just go on to something you do know.
ALAN puts his hand under his chin and sighs as he stares at nothing in front of him.
TEACHER: Alan, you seem to be daydreaming now. Don't you think you should be writing
something?
ALAN: I'm sorry, the first question just threw me off a bit. (Adjusts in his seat)
TEACHER: Glad to hear it.
ALAN: Okay, move on to the next question, Oh (raised his hand) I have a question.
TEACHER: Yes?
ALAN: Is this test going to be graded on a curve?
TEACHER: (Cheerfully, matter-of-factly.) Oh yes, of course. The better everyone else does, the
worse you'll do.
ALAN: Thank you
The TEACHER nods and turns away, ALAN then turns to LOIS who's raising his paper as the
other students copy each other's answers.
ALAN: Wait, the answer to six is what?
LOIS and the other students frantically gets back to their own paper as soon as the teacher
turns to look back at them.
TEACHER: (Suspiciously) Were you cheating Alan?
ALAN: No!
TEACHER: I'm sure I don't have to remind anyone here that we're all on our honor (pause.) Not
that it makes any sense to cheat anyway because when you think about it, when you really think
about it, who is it that you're really hurting when you cheat?
CHRIS raises his hand with much sincerity.
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
CHRIS: You're really only hurting yourself, ma’am.
TEACHER: That's right Chris, you're only hurting yourself. I'm glad you feel that way. (He turns
back on CHRIS) Alright, let's get back to work.
CHRIS holds up a sign that says, "HURT ME" to PAT. PAT holds up a sign that says "2D IS
FALSE." CHRIS hold up a sign that says "HURT ME MORE" PAT holds up a sign that says "7
IS TRUMAN". ALAN has been staring back and forth in open-mouthed astonishment.
Suddenly, the TEACHER spins around and everyone pretended they're doing something else.
TEACHER: Alan, Eyes on your own paper! I don't want to have to speak with
You sent
TEACHER: Alan, Eyes on your own paper! I don't want to have to speak with you again.
ALAN: No sir (to himself) just, let's move on to the next section.
VOICE: Section two, true or false.
ALAN: (To himself.) Yes, much better. This is more my speed.
VOICE: Number one, Explain the nature of the universe.
ALAN: What? Wait a minute. That's not true or false. (He Frantic looks around, then looks down
at his paper)
VOICE: Explain the nature of the universe.
ALAN: (Having no idea what to do) I ... I don't know. (Pause) next question.
VOICE: Athens
ALAN: What?
VOICE: Athens.
ALAN: Athens? (Pause) Athens. (Pause) False. Athens is false.
VOICE: Renaissance.
ALAN: (After a pause, he shrugs.) True.
VOICE: Geometry.
ALAN: True.
VOICE: Thomas Edison.
ALAN: False.
VOICE: One hundred and twelve.
ALAN: (Growing more and more frenzied). True.
VOICE: Athletic ability.
ALAN: False.
VOICE: Biceps.
ALAN: False.
VOICE: Facial hair.
ALAN: False!
VOICE: Social life.
ALAN: False! (Pause. Calmer, but panting a bit.) This isn't so hard. (Pause.) Wait a minute! I
have a social life. I've had dates (pause) I've had a date (pause)
CHRIS raises his hand
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
CHRIS: How much time do we have left?
ALAN: (Slams his desk and turns to CHRIS, yelling.) Would you stop that?! (Climbs through the
chairs to get to Chris) Some of us are trying to concentrate here and it's almost impossible with
you asking the time, every five minutes!
TEACHER: Alan, what is the matter with you? (She asks pulling Alan back to his seat)
apologize to Chris, now!
ALAN: (Suddenly meek) I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I'm calm now. (To CHRIS)
What was it you wanted to know?
CHRIS: How much time do we have left?
TEACHER: Nine minutes
ALAN: What?! What happened to the last forty-five minutes?
TEACHER: They passed
ALAN: Already?
TEACHER: Yes, how much more do you have left?
ALAN: (Flips through his paper) A little.
EVAN walks to the classroom, still in a basketball jersey.
TEACHER: Oh, hello Evan.
EVAN: Hey, Teach. Sorry I'm late. I was at practice.
TEACHER: No problem (He hands a test to EVAN) You don't really have time to take it so why
don't you just look over it and see how you would've done?
EVAN: (Looking at the test, nodding his head occasionally) Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Yup (Pause) I
think I know all but the second to the last one teacher.
TEACHER: Which one? (Evan points at the question on the paper) Oh, that's a hard one. Here,
let me show you. (He takes EVAN's paper and begins to write on it. ALAN looks on, disgusted)
EVAN: Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. That's pretty much what I would have put.
TEACHER: Is it?
EVAN: Yup
TEACHER: (Convinced) All right, then. Nicely done. (She writes on EVAN'S test with red ink)
One hundred percent. Congratulations. See you tomorrow. (EVAN starts to leave)
ALAN: Wait a minute, he didn't answer any of the questions. (Stands up)
TEACHER: He know the answers.
ALAN: That's what he told you.
TEACHER: Are you doubting the word of one of your fellow classmates?
ALAN: Well, no.
TEACHER: It doesn't matter anyway, Evan was recently admitted to the college of his choice.
ALAN: If you were?
EVAN: Huh? Yeah, Majestic University. I got early accepted.
ALAN: But it's just ... How could they do that it just seems so early?
EVAN: (Shrugs) I don't know
ALAN: But (pause) but (scratches his head as he walks back to his seat)
TEACHER: Alan, get back to your test
ALAN: But it's only June!
TEACHER: This is Evan's reward, he's worked very hard. Back to your test.
ALAN: (Pacing) But we're only sophomores.
TEACHER: (Pulls ALAN back to his seat) I don't wanna hear it, back to work.
LOIS: (Stands up) (To the tone of Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams
TEACHER: Yes, Lois?
WILLIAM: (Stands up) (To the tone of Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams
PAT, LOIS, WILLIAM and CHRIS: (Strongly, in unison, to the tune of Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams
TEACHER: Class?
PAT, LOIS, WILLIAM and CHRIS: (To the tune of the line "And heaven and nature sing" from
Joy to the World) May we have another blue ... May we have another blue ... May we have
another bluebook please?
TEACHER: Well, of course you may. That was lovely. Thank you very much and I'll tell you
what, just for that, everyone who sang is going to get then points extra credit. (Hands them the
bluebooks)
Everyone who's standing up gave each other a high five in joy
ALAN: (To himself) Okay, they are not your concern. Move on to the next section.
VOICE: Question four. Opinion essay. Thirty points.
ALAN: This is a breeze. (Reads his paper and frowns) (He raises his hand) Mrs. Williams
TEACHER: Yes, dear?
ALAN: This essay question, it's in Chinese. I don't speak Chinese
TEACHER: And why is that?
ALAN: I speak ... English?
TEACHER: And why don't you speak Chinese?
ALAN: Because I never learned it
TEACHER: Well, I'm afraid that is something you need to take up with the attendance
committee.
ALAN: Attendance -- I'm never absent.
TEACHER: (Opening the attendance book and shows it to ALAN) Say's here you're absent.
ALAN: Oh right, I had a dental appointment.
TEACHER: Tuesday, yes. Well though luck for you, we learned Chinese on Tuesday.
ALAN: The only day I ever missed.
WILLIAM: Ni how fan shen Kik? (may I have another bluebook please?)
TEACHER: (Handing a bluebook to William) Tau
CHRIS: Da lee hen wah? (How much time is left?)
TEACHER: (Looking at her watch and holding up five fingers) Nye ma.
ALAN: Not your concern, let's go back to the section I do know.
VOICE: Section one, multiple choice. Question two. Which of Alan Lefenfield's shortcomings to
you find most annoying? (Pause) A. The way he shuffles when he walks? B. His poor posture C.
His bad breath (ALAN slaps his hand over his mouth) D. His irritating laugh E. His sloppy attire
(After a long pause, ALAN looks at the test, then turns to the next page) F. His whinny little
voice. G. His bizarre sense of humor H. His dismal standardized test scores I. ... (Pause) ... The
extremely embarrassing personal problem which Alan confined to the school counselor, Mrs.
Fennelmeyer (Slight pause while ALAN looks up and then back down.) Parentless. Who is by
the way, a bit of a gossip but a wonderful cook.
ALAN: (Stands up and throws his paper on his desk) I object to the second multiple choice
question.
WILLIAM: I know
PAT: Yeah, me too. I can't just pick one of these.
ALAN: And furthermore, it's subjective …
PAT: And incomplete.
CHRIS: This must just be a partial list
LOIS, WILLIAM PAT and CHRIS speaks over each other.
PAT: Obviously, this should include something about his hair.
LOIS: Right, something about how he doesn't make sense at times.
WILLIAM: Yeah, and something about his sleeping in class.
CHRIS: Or something about his outfit choices.
TEACHER: Very well, then I'll just have to scratch that question off your test
WILLIAM: Uhh hey, Mrs. Williams?
TEACHER: Yes?
WILLIAM: Time's up
TEACHER: Well I didn't want to say anything earlier because I didn't want to make you nervous
but I've decided this test isn't going to be your midterm, it's gonna serve as your finals. It's just
too much work for me to type up the test, hand them out to you then collect them, grade them
and hand them back. So you see, I've just decided this grade that you get on this test will be
your final grades this semester and the remainder of this course.
ALAN sinks in his chair in devastation, while everyone celebrates. The curtains close as soon
as ALAN is slumped on the floor.