This is a Test (One-act Play)

Characters: Setting:
Alan - Allain Chris - Cody The Classroom
Lois - Ace Pat - Anne
Teacher - Marynelle William - William
Evan – Fidel The Voice – Renz
Props:
5 Bluebooks Uniforms Teacher’s wrist watch Basketball
Test papers Basketball Jersey Record book Chairs
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There are five desks and behind them a LOIS: No you’re not.
large blackboard. Two of the desks are
ALAN: Evan wouldn’t have done this.
occupied by LOIS and ALAN. LOIS is neatly
groomed. ALAN is a mess. His shirt is LOIS: What does Evan have to do with
unbuttoned incorrectly, his socks do not this?
match, and his hair sticks out at odd angles.
His expression is both dazed and frantic. ALAN: He has the best grades in the class
and he didn’t stay up all last night.
ALAN: I shouldn’t have done this.
LOIS: Who cares?
LOIS: You’re fine
ALAN: He’s going to get better grades than
ALAN: No, I need to study some more I am and he didn’t have you calling him
(stutters) I should’ve slept last night. (Opens every half an hour to say “Are you still
his books and frantically thumbs through awake?” (he snarls) Yes, Lois, I am still
them) awake. I am still awake Lois. I am still
awake!
LOIS: Would you just relax? You either
know it or you don’t. The best thing to do LOIS: Calm down!
right now is relax.
ALAN: (After a pause, much calmer) I’m
ALAN: No, I can’t relax. You know what I sorry. (He pauses) It’s all that caffeine. It
learned last night? This is all I learned, that makes me nervous.
the Battle of Hastings was in ten-sixty-six.
You know what else I learned? I learned The TEACHER enters carrying the tests
that Thomas Edison’s middle name is ‘Alva’ TEACHER: Good morning, I hope we’re all
That’s all! If the test asks when was the rested and ready to go, I know I am (Notices
Battle of Hastings, I can say “Ten-sixty-six” Alan being nervous, She walks to him and
If it asks, “What was Thomas Edison’s speaks in a soft voice) Alan, are you okay?
middle name, I can say “Alva”. Other than
that, I’m completely sunk. ALAN: I’m fine.
TEACHER: (Taps his armchair) okay questions very well. ALAN also began to
(Stands up straight and acknowledges the read his test.
whole class once more) Now, I’d like for you
VOICE: Section one, multiple choice.
to keep in mind that this isn’t only a test.
Question one. In what year was the Battle of
This is your midterm. How you do today,
Hastings (pause) A. Ten-sixty-two.
has a large impact on your overall grade
point average, which has a major impact on ALAN: No.
deciding which college you might be
accepted to. So like I said, remember this VOICE: B. Ten-sixty-three.
isn’t only a test, this is your future (Checks ALAN: No.
her watch) in 58 minutes. Any last
questions? VOICE: C. Ten-sixty-four.

CHRIS raises his hand ALAN: No.

TEACHER: Yes, Chris? VOICE: D. Ten-sixty-seven.

CHRIS: Oh uh … What is Thomas Edison’s ALAN: Where is ten-sixty-six?

middle name?
PAT: (Raises her hand) Can I get another
TEACHER: Alva, but don’t worry that’s not bluebook please?
on the test. Alright, let’s get started. (Starts
TEACHER: Surely, here you go. (She gives
handing out the test papers) I’d like you to
a bluebook to Pat)
remember that all of the questions came
right off the review sheets, so if you studied, CHRIS raises his hand
you’ll be just fine,
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
ALAN: (Panicked) Review sheets?
CHRIS: How much time do we have left?
TEACHER: Yes, I handed them out last
week. Didn’t you get one? ALAN: (Frantic) What happened to ten-
sixty-six?
ALAN: No!
TEACHER: There’s fifty-six minutes left.
TEACHER: That’s a shame. I don’t know
how that could have happened. Everyone ALAN: Where is ten-sixty-six?!
who did get the review sheet please raise TEACHER: Something the matter Alan?
your hands.
ALAN: No, It’s just … (He stares at the
Everyone except ALAN raises their hand. teacher for a moment.) I can’t answer the
ALAN scoffs in disbelief, feeling betrayed first question.
seeing LOIS also has his hand raised.
TEACHER: Well, that shouldn't be a
TEACHER: That’s a shame, they might problem, it's not worth that much, is it?
have helped you (Walks to Alan and speaks (ALAN looks at the test)
in a soft voice) Don’t worry, you’ll do just
fine. (Straightens up and addresses the VOICE: Five points.
whole class) Alright everyone, begin.
ALAN: No.
The students look through their papers,
TEACHER: Just go on to something you do
they immediately begin to write, they really
know.
look like they know the answers to the test
ALAN puts his hand under his chin and CHRIS: You're really only hurting yourself,
sighs as he stares at nothing in front of him. ma’am.
TEACHER: Alan, you seem to be TEACHER: That's right Chris, you're only
daydreaming now. Don't you think you hurting yourself. I'm glad you feel that way.
should be writing something? (He turns back on CHRIS) Alright, let's get
back to work.
ALAN: I'm sorry, the first question just
threw me off a bit. (Adjusts in his seat) CHRIS holds up a sign that says, "HURT
ME" to PAT. PAT holds up a sign that says
TEACHER: Glad to hear it.
"2D IS FALSE." CHRIS hold up a sign that
ALAN: Okay, move on to the next question, says "HURT ME MORE" PAT holds up a
Oh (raised his hand) I have a question. sign that says "7 IS TRUMAN". ALAN has
been staring back and forth in open-
TEACHER: Yes? mouthed astonishment. Suddenly, the
ALAN: Is this test going to be graded on a TEACHER spins around and everyone
curve? pretended they're doing something else.

TEACHER: (Cheerfully, matter-of-factly.) TEACHER: Alan, Eyes on your own paper! I

Oh yes, of course. The better everyone else don't want to have to speak with
does, the worse you'll do. You sent
ALAN: Thank you TEACHER: Alan, Eyes on your own paper! I
The TEACHER nods and turns away, ALAN don't want to have to speak with you again.
then turns to LOIS who's raising his paper ALAN: No sir (to himself) just, let's move on
as the other students copy each other's to the next section.
answers.
VOICE: Section two, true or false.
ALAN: Wait, the answer to six is what?
ALAN: (To himself.) Yes, much better. This
LOIS and the other students frantically gets is more my speed.
back to their own paper as soon as the
teacher turns to look back at them. VOICE: Number one, Explain the nature of
the universe.
TEACHER: (Suspiciously) Were you
cheating Alan? ALAN: What? Wait a minute. That's not true
or false. (He Frantic looks around, then
ALAN: No! looks down at his paper)
TEACHER: I'm sure I don't have to remind VOICE: Explain the nature of the universe.
anyone here that we're all on our honor
(pause.) Not that it makes any sense to ALAN: (Having no idea what to do) I ... I
cheat anyway because when you think don't know. (Pause) next question.
about it, when you really think about it, who
VOICE: Athens
is it that you're really hurting when you
cheat? ALAN: What?
CHRIS raises his hand with much sincerity. VOICE: Athens.
TEACHER: Yes, Chris? ALAN: Athens? (Pause) Athens. (Pause)
False. Athens is false.
VOICE: Renaissance. (To CHRIS) What was it you wanted to
know?
ALAN: (After a pause, he shrugs.) True.
CHRIS: How much time do we have left?
VOICE: Geometry.
TEACHER: Nine minutes
ALAN: True.
ALAN: What?! What happened to the last
VOICE: Thomas Edison.
forty-five minutes?
ALAN: False.
TEACHER: They passed
VOICE: One hundred and twelve.
ALAN: Already?
ALAN: (Growing more and more frenzied).
TEACHER: Yes, how much more do you
True.
have left?
VOICE: Athletic ability.
ALAN: (Flips through his paper) A little.
ALAN: False.
EVAN walks to the classroom, still in a
VOICE: Biceps. basketball jersey.

ALAN: False. TEACHER: Oh, hello Evan.

VOICE: Facial hair. EVAN: Hey, Teach. Sorry I'm late. I was at
practice.
ALAN: False!
TEACHER: No problem (He hands a test to
VOICE: Social life. EVAN) You don't really have time to take it
ALAN: False! (Pause. Calmer, but panting so why don't you just look over it and see
a bit.) This isn't so hard. (Pause.) Wait a how you would've done?
minute! I have a social life. I've had dates EVAN: (Looking at the test, nodding his
(pause) I've had a date (pause) head occasionally) Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Yup
CHRIS raises his hand (Pause) I think I know all but the second to
the last one teacher.
TEACHER: Yes, Chris?
TEACHER: Which one? (Evan points at the
CHRIS: How much time do we have left? question on the paper) Oh, that's a hard
one. Here, let me show you. (He takes
ALAN: (Slams his desk and turns to
EVAN's paper and begins to write on it.
CHRIS, yelling.) Would you stop that?!
ALAN looks on, disgusted)
(Climbs through the chairs to get to Chris)
Some of us are trying to concentrate here EVAN: Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. That's pretty
and it's almost impossible with you asking much what I would have put.
the time, every five minutes!
TEACHER: Is it?
TEACHER: Alan, what is the matter with
you? (She asks pulling Alan back to his EVAN: Yup
seat) apologize to Chris, now! TEACHER: (Convinced) All right, then.
ALAN: (Suddenly meek) I'm sorry, I don't Nicely done. (She writes on EVAN'S test
know what came over me. I'm calm now. with red ink) One hundred percent.
Congratulations. See you tomorrow. (EVAN PAT, LOIS, WILLIAM and CHRIS:
starts to leave) (Strongly, in unison, to the tune of
Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams
ALAN: Wait a minute, he didn't answer any
of the questions. (Stands up) TEACHER: Class?
TEACHER: He know the answers. PAT, LOIS, WILLIAM and CHRIS: (To the
tune of the line "And heaven and nature
ALAN: That's what he told you.
sing" from Joy to the World) May we have
TEACHER: Are you doubting the word of another blue ... May we have another
one of your fellow classmates? blue ... May we have another bluebook
please?
ALAN: Well, no.
TEACHER: Well, of course you may. That
TEACHER: It doesn't matter anyway, Evan was lovely. Thank you very much and I'll tell
was recently admitted to the college of his you what, just for that, everyone who sang
choice. is going to get then points extra credit.
ALAN: If you were? (Hands them the bluebooks)

EVAN: Huh? Yeah, Majestic University. I Everyone who's standing up gave each
got early accepted. other a high five in joy

ALAN: But it's just ... How could they do ALAN: (To himself) Okay, they are not your
that it just seems so early? concern. Move on to the next section.

EVAN: (Shrugs) I don't know VOICE: Question four. Opinion essay.

Thirty points.
ALAN: But (pause) but (scratches his head
as he walks back to his seat) ALAN: This is a breeze. (Reads his paper
and frowns) (He raises his hand) Mrs.
TEACHER: Alan, get back to your test Williams
ALAN: But it's only June! TEACHER: Yes, dear?
TEACHER: This is Evan's reward, he's ALAN: This essay question, it's in Chinese.
worked very hard. Back to your test. I don't speak Chinese
ALAN: (Pacing) But we're only TEACHER: And why is that?
sophomores.
ALAN: I speak ... English?
TEACHER: (Pulls ALAN back to his seat) I
don't wanna hear it, back to work. TEACHER: And why don't you speak
Chinese?
LOIS: (Stands up) (To the tone of
Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams ALAN: Because I never learned it

TEACHER: Yes, Lois? TEACHER: Well, I'm afraid that is

something you need to take up with the
WILLIAM: (Stands up) (To the tone of attendance committee.
Hallelujah) Mrs. Williams
ALAN: Attendance -- I'm never absent.
TEACHER: (Opening the attendance book PAT: Yeah, me too. I can't just pick one of
and shows it to ALAN) Say's here you're these.
absent.
ALAN: And furthermore, it's subjective …
ALAN: Oh right, I had a dental appointment.
PAT: And incomplete.
TEACHER: Tuesday, yes. Well though luck
CHRIS: This must just be a partial list
for you, we learned Chinese on Tuesday.
LOIS, WILLIAM PAT and CHRIS speaks
ALAN: The only day I ever missed.
over each other.
PAT: Obviously, this should include
WILLIAM: Ni how fan shen Kik? (may I something about his hair.
have another bluebook please?)
LOIS: Right, something about how he
TEACHER: (Handing a bluebook to William) doesn't make sense at times.
Tau
WILLIAM: Yeah, and something about his
CHRIS: Da lee hen wah? (How much time sleeping in class.
is left?)
CHRIS: Or something about his outfit
TEACHER: (Looking at her watch and choices.
holding up five fingers) Nye ma.
TEACHER: Very well, then I'll just have to
ALAN: Not your concern, let's go back to scratch that question off your test
the section I do know.
WILLIAM: Uhh hey, Mrs. Williams?
VOICE: Section one, multiple choice.
TEACHER: Yes?
Question two. Which of Alan Lefenfield's
shortcomings to you find most annoying? WILLIAM: Time's up
(Pause) A. The way he shuffles when he
walks? B. His poor posture C. His bad TEACHER: Well I didn't want to say
breath (ALAN slaps his hand over his anything earlier because I didn't want to
mouth) D. His irritating laugh E. His sloppy make you nervous but I've decided this test
attire (After a long pause, ALAN looks at the isn't going to be your midterm, it's gonna
test, then turns to the next page) F. His serve as your finals. It's just too much work
whinny little voice. G. His bizarre sense of for me to type up the test, hand them out to
humor H. His dismal standardized test you then collect them, grade them and hand
scores I. ... (Pause) ... The extremely them back. So you see, I've just decided
embarrassing personal problem which Alan this grade that you get on this test will be
confined to the school counselor, Mrs. your final grades this semester and the
Fennelmeyer (Slight pause while ALAN remainder of this course.
looks up and then back down.) Parentless. ALAN sinks in his chair in devastation, while
Who is by the way, a bit of a gossip but a everyone celebrates. The curtains close as
wonderful cook. soon as ALAN is slumped on the floor.
ALAN: (Stands up and throws his paper on
his desk) I object to the second multiple
choice question.
WILLIAM: I know