MY SELF DISCOVERY

INSERT 1
So here I am...
I am getting ready to start my new job, I
am beyond excited. I am going to teach at
an
independent private school in
Johannesburg. I am quite excited, and
nervous, considering the
fact that I have been a public school
teacher in Soweto for the last three years.
People seem to
have a weird perception of teachers. They
think we’re in it for money (I’m still trying
to figure
out where the money at), and all the
holidays... I must admit though that I love
the holidays! I
don’t even need a damn “leave” because I
get to rest during school holidays...
Kumnandi
shame...
Unfortunately, people don’t understand
how intense and draining this profession
is. Yes, I call it a profession, because I
pride myself in it. Every doctor, lawyer,
artist and every other
professional out there would be nothing
without teachers. They got there because
a bunch of
awesome superheroes facilitated their
learning process. Powerful, I tell you... So
anyway, like I
was saying, people don’t understand how
draining and intense it is to be a teacher.
Every day is unpredictable. We deal with
children who come from various
backgrounds, who have shocking learning
barriers. It is our responsibility to ensure
that every single child in the class feels
loved, valued, and that they actually learn
and are equipped with all the necessary
skills to survive in this big bad world. It’s
not just about teaching them English, or
Science. It’s about instilling
critical thinking skills, so that they are
comfortable enough to deal with any
challenges they face.
Anyway, today is my last day at Fundani
Primary School, and I am going through
the most. The
thought of leaving these kids is driving
me insane. I have become their mother.
The love is so
deep, that it scares me. I teach Grade 4
English and Life Orientation. My grade 4s
are the cutest
little things ever, and I am amazed at how
much they have grown since I started
teaching them
at the beginning of the year. It’s October
now, and 90% of them are now fluent
English speakers,
and confident little rascals. It warms my
heart, really.
My dad was the one who encouraged me
to apply to a different school. According
to him, I am
25 years old, and this is the perfect time
to experiment, and figure out what works
for me. My dad and I are quite close. He
gets me. He is a business owner. He sells
slaughtered chickens,
and makes his own plates (pap and
chicken), and also sells homemade
mageu. On paper, this
sounds shady, but I will have you know
that his business is successful, booming,
flourishing.
Think of all those lovely synonyms that
describe savagery. What I have learnt
from him is that
there is always a target market for
anything. There are people out there who
are not running
after expensive food and drinks. My dad
caters for those people. People who just
want to
spend less than 20 bucks to get a lovely
(really lovely) plate of pap and fresh
chicken. His
target market grows daily, and I am very
impressed. And people think uneducated
people can’t rebuild their lives?
I could praise this man 24/7 but I will
stick to that for now...
Anyway, today. Last day. Love my babies.
Sad day.
I am making my way to the staff room,
when I get stopped by my usual “teacher’s
pets.” Lol
who wouldn’t love to have kids who are
always excited (obsessed) to see you, and
literally fight
each other just so they can carry your bag
to the staff room? See, everyone knew
that wherever
Ms Dlamini was, best believe there would
be a mini-crowd surrounding her. Ms
Dlamini is me,
of course...
One of my babies, Lwazi, quickly grabs my
bag before the others can. She laughs at
them and
sticks her tongue out.
Me: Haike Lwazi, don’t be mean.
Lwazi looks at me innocently and blinks.
Lwazi: You are my mother. They must
leave you alone. They must leave US
alone!
I laugh as she continues to blink, and then
flash that beautiful smile that always
warms my
heart.
Me: You are ALL my children!
Lwazi grabs my hand and holds on to it.
She is so possessive, and the other kids
eventually got
used to her. As much as I tried not to have
favourites, she really made it difficult.
We both walk to the staff room, hand in
hand, and she puts my bag in my locker.
She turns
around and sighs.
Lwazi: I don’t know how I’m going to
survive without you.
Me: Aww baby, I’m not going to abandon
you.
She gets teary and wraps her arms
around me.
Me: I am so proud of how much you’ve
grown. Will you continue to make me
proud even though
we won’t see each other every day?
She nods and we stand there for a while.
“Ohhh savelelwa! You and that child of
yours!” The other teachers say.
They laughed as Lwazi and I walked out
and made our way to the playground.
Honestly, if there
is one thing I dislike in life, it has to be old
teachers from the apartheid era,
especially the ones
who think they know it all, but are
beyond lazy. They love making it seem
like young teachers
are a problem, just because we have more
innovative ways of teaching children.
We get to the playground and I am
immediately surrounded by my boys. Lol I
have a very deep
connection with boys. I get along better
with them. Mind you, Lwazi is still holding
on to me.
She never fails to let people know that I
am taken. Anyway, we stand there and I
listen to their
crazy and random stories. 60% of the
time I am really interested in these
stories, but 40% of the
time I just pretend as if I’m interested.
Kids are the most honest beings in the
world. I don’t
know how many times I have been asked
by the grade 1s and 2s why I am gaining
weight, why I
am losing weight, and why I love wearing
dresses, and why this and why that.
Honestly, you
can’t work with kids if you have a low
self-esteem; because it would be easy take
all these raw
yet innocent questions personally. They
don’t have filters, and I love that. They
know more
about my inconsistent weight than me.
They tell me when I am dressed to kill,
and when I look a
hot mess.
You want an honest opinion? Get yourself
a kid. Brutal creatures, I tell you.
***
It’s now 2:30pm and the tears have been
flowing since 12pm, when it hit me that I
won’t be
teaching these rascals. I have received
hundreds of letters from kids that I don’t
even teach...
I’m with my grade 4s and they’re busy
delivering speeches about me: how much
I have changed
their lives, and how much they will miss
me. The principal even organized a
special assembly
for me earlier... It was all so emotional...
I was now in the staff room, and the
teachers had given me my gifts and
popped a bottle of
cheap champagne for me. I was done
packing my things and I was now ready to
leave. I said
my goodbyes, and walked out. The school
was now empty. Lwazi was obviously
waiting for me.
We were going to walk together. She lived
a few streets from me. She took my box of
letters
and we began walking... The sun was
scorching hot, but it wasn’t something we
were not used
to.
She is a yellow cute child, and she always
wears her heart on her sleeve with me.
Till this day, I
am still shaken by our deep connection. If
I could adopt her, I would.
Lwazi: Dad left again...
I sigh.
Me: How are you?
Lwazi: I’m more hurt about you leaving,
than him.
Me: But Lwazi, you do understand that
I’m not abandoning you, right?
She shrugs.
Me: I’m going to see you regularly, and we
will still have our ice-cream dates.
She smiles and flashes her dimples.
Me: Nothing will ever come between us.
Lwazi: Okay mommy.
We both laugh.
Lwazi: At least I can call you that in peace
now. I don’t like sharing you.
I laugh and wrapp my arm around her
shoulders.
Me: You’re too special.
She giggles and we continue chatting as I
walk her home.
***
As soon as I got home, I took a bath and
lay on my bed for a while, trying to cool
off. It was now
around 5pm.
There was a knock on my door, and I told
that person to come in.
Dad: You won’t believe how much I made
today!
I chuckled.
Dad: R1500!
Me: Geesh how is that even possible?
He laughed happily as he walked out and
closed the door. Shame, I’m so happy for
him. I
reached for my phone and saw that I have
a missed call from Nikiwe, my best friend.
I call her and she immediately answers.
Me: Niki
Niki: Be ready in 30 minutes.
Me: I’m so tired-
Niki: Sisi ayifuni mina leyo. Get ready.
Me: Hmkay.
I dropped the call, and sighed. It has been
an emotionally draining day, and I
thought I’d cancel
my plans with Niki, and just watch series
while tucked nicely in bed. Unfortunately,
this best
friend of mine does not take no for an
answer.
I get up and get ready... What to wear?
Hmm... I pick a simple body hugging olive
green dress,
and black pumps. I am so far deep into
this pump movement, that no one can tell
me anything.
I don’t care if your feet get stinky
occasionally... It’s nothing a few secrets
socks can’t fix. I
wash off my clay mask, and moisturize my
face. Just then, my phone rings, and I
answer
without checking the caller id.
Me: Nikiwe, I’m almost done. Geesh sisi
wenza kakhulu.
Person: This is not Nikiwe.
Me: Huh?
I check the caller id and roll my eyes.
Me: Hello Derek.
Derek: How are you?
Me: Good.
Derek: Did you have a good day?
I could literally die right now. I don’t even
remember this guy properly. All I know is
that Niki,
Wendi, and I were out one night, and we
ended up getting a lift from him. He took
us home, and
I gave him my number. Now he is
pestering me.
Me: Uhm listen, I have to go.
Derek: Any plans for tonight?
Me: Not really hey. Just gonna stay in.
Derek: Oh okay. Would you lik-
Me: I have to go. My dad needs me. Bye.
I end the call, and finally decide to block
him. Weirdo.
I fix my face a bit. Add a little makeup
here and there, just to confuse enemies.
Once I’m done, I call Niki and she
answers.
Niki: The Uber is 3 minutes away. Phuma.
Me: K.
I end the call and get my bag and jacket.
As I walk out, my mom walks in.
Me: Sthandwa.
Mom: Hello baby.
Me: Niki is on her way. I’ll see you later.
Mom: Okay. Just be safe.
Me: Of course.
I walk out and find my dad packing up his
tables and chairs. This yard has turned
into some low
cost restaurant. Good for him.
Me: I’ll see you.
Dad: Have fun.
Me: Bye.
As I close the gate, the typical white
Corolla stops right here. Niki lowers the
window and
smiles.
Niki: Hiii!
My dad waves and I walk to the car and
get in.
Me: Sanibonani.
Niki: Heyii
Me: Someone’s in a good mood...
The Uber driver chuckles and greets back.
Me: I’m sure this has been the loudest trip
you’ve ever had. Thank goodness I won’t
be the one
receiving 2 stars tonight.
Niki: Ahh man Zizi kanti why unje?
The Uber driver laughs quietly and
continues to drive.
Me: We could have easily stayed at home
and watched something.
Niki: But si-young. Si- fresh. Si-hot. Si-
great.
I roll my eyes.
Niki: Don’t be a Negative Nancy, please.
Maboneng was Niki’s recent obsession.
Now, her obsession had to be my
obsession, whether I
liked it or not.
I grunt as I sink back and look out the
window...
INSERT 2
We get to the Maboneng and the Uber
drops us off at Love Revo. We get a table
upstairs and
order our drinks.
Niki: I’m sure today was emotional.
Me: Too much.
I sigh as I think about my babies. I just
wish I could put all of them in my bag and
keep them
forever.
Niki: How are you feeling about starting
your new job?
Me: I’m just glad that I start the week
after next. I need to rest and gather
myself first.
Niki: How I wish I got a week to rest.
I chuckle.
Me: Is your work husband still bothering
you?
Niki: Yazi I just don’t understand why he
would tell me he wants to be with me, and
then turn
around and act all cold.
Me: Friend, we all know that crap never
works out. You can’t date someone you
work with.
Niki: Ya, but I don’t work with him
directly. He is in another department.
Me: Kuyafana.
Niki: Gosh.
Our drinks come and she makes her way
downstairs to the bathroom. My phone
rings and I
answer after checking the caller id.
Me: Bongani?
Bongani: Hey, how are you?
Me: I’m well, thanks.
He laughs quietly. He always says I have
my snobbish moments, especially when I
say I’m
“well” instead of saying I’m “good.”
Me: How are you?
Bongani: I’m great. Ukuphi? It’s quite
noisy there.
Me: Love Revo.
Bongani: Is it?
Me: Mhm.
Bongani: I’m at Shakers.
Me: Is it?
Bongani: Got here about 30 minutes ago.
Me: Oh okay.
Bongani: I’ll see you later.
Me: Sure.
Bongani: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I ended the call and took a sip of my drink.
Bongani... Hmm we will cover him later...
A few minutes later, Niki came back up,
dancing to the music being played.
Me: I’m sure you got caught up
downstairs.
She laughs happily and sits down.
Niki: We should go to Shakers once we’re
done eating.
I roll my eyes and she hisses.
Niki: I should find myself another bestie.
Me: One who will go with you to all these
rowdy places.
Niki: Yazi you act like you never enjoyed
this lifestyle.
Me: Once upon a time. In varsity. I’m over
crowds now.
Niki: You’re allowing yourself to age.
I ignore her and focus on my drink. About
30 minutes later, our food comes and we
delve in. Her
phone rings and she walks off to find a
quiet space. I’m so used to this girl, that
her actions
don’t shock or offend me anymore. She’s a
social butterfly, and loves this nightlife
lifestyle. Me
on the other hand, I can only take it in
small doses.
She comes back after a while with Nelly,
one of her other random friends. They sit
down and I
smile blankly.
Nelly: Hey Zi.
Me: Hello.
I’m trying by all means to not show
annoyed I am. Niki knows very well that I
hate being
bombarded by random people. If I make
plans with you, you have no right to drag
all these other
people into the situation without my
consent.
Anyway, I finish up my drink and excuse
myself. I make my way downstairs and go
to the
bathroom. As I walk out, I bump into
Bongani, who was walking out from the
male bathroom.
Bongani: Ms Dlamini.
Me: Hey...
We share a hug and walk out.
Bongani: Are you still at Revo?
I nod grudgingly and he frowns.
Me: Let’s just say I’m tired, and I need a
bed.
Bongani: Any specific bed in mind?
Me: Today was my last at school.
Bongani: Hmm. How were your kids?
Me: Emotional, of course.
Bongani: Who are you with up there?
Me: Niki.
He nods and scratches his head.
Bongani: I’m about to leave now. You
want to-
Me: Don’t even ask!
He laughs as I walk back to the restaurant
and make my way up the stairs. I get to
the table and
look at Niki and Nelly, who are busy
planning their night.
Niki: Friend, I think we should go to
Shakers.
Me: Go ahead. I’m going home.
She frowns.
Me: I’m getting a lift from a friend.
She looks at me suspiciously.
Nelly: But it’s not even 10pm, girl!
I ignore her and look at Niki.
Me: I’ll see you around neh?
Niki: Uzoba-right?
Me: I’m a big girl.
She stands up and we share a hug. I then
give her money, for my share of the bill.
Me: Bye bye ke.
Niki: Bye, boo.
Me: Bye Nelly.
Nelly: Bye!
I roll my eyes as I walk and make my way
to the ground area. Bongani is nowhere to
be found. I
walk to Shakers, and see him at a table
close by. He says goodbye to his people,
and walks to
me, with another girl. They get to me and
he smiles.
Bongani: Ready?
Me: Yep.
We then make our way to his car. I realise
that this girl is those North types.
Snobbish and stuff.
She sits in the front and I gladly go to the
back and sit comfortably. Once we settle
in, Bongani
starts the car and off we go.
Bongani: By the way, Ziyanda, this is
Melissa. Mel, this is Ziyanda. Ms Dlamini.
He chuckles and glances at me from the
rear view mirror.
I was not about to acknowledge her. She
gave me cold vibes from the get go, so I
don’t have
any kindness to waste. I take out my
phone, and play my usual Smurf game.
That’s how dull my
life is. You will never find me chatting on
Whatsapp, which I sincerely dislike. I’m
legit that girl
that is so focused on developing her
career, that she doesn’t have time for any
other
disturbances. I can’t focus on mupltiple
things at a time.
So yes, I am single. As single as they come.
Melissa: Where do you live, Zinathi?
I continue focusing on my game. I’m sure
Zinathi will tell her where she lives.
Bongani: Ziyanda vs. Zinathi. Come on
now.
Melissa: Oh I’m sorry. Ziyanda. Ziyanda.
Okay. Got it.
She turns and faces me, with a smile.
Melissa: Where do you live?
Just then, my phone rings and I answer
without checking the caller id, relieved
that I won’t have
to interact with this snob.
Me: Hello?
Person: Ziyanda?
Me: Speaking.
Person: Hey, it’s Derek.
Me: Really though? I’m busy.
Person: I ju-
Yoh I drop the call and grunt loudly. I
mean really, this guy is a problem now...
I’ll deal with it
later...
I focus on my game, and keep my mouth
shut.
Bongani: Everything okay?
Me: Yep.
I glance at him and nod.
Melissa: So you’re from Soweto?
Me: Yes.
Melissa: B, are you dropping her off?
Bongani: No, I’m dropping you off.
I look up and laugh to myself when I see
her face.
After a while, we drove to Sandton, and
dropped her off at her house. People have
nice life
problems out there, hey.
Bongani: I’m not an Uber driver. Woza.
I get out and sit at the front.
Bongani: Melissa is a lot.
Me: You don’t say...
He keeps quiet and we drive in silence for
the rest of the way. He drives in his
complex, and we
make our way out.
We get inside, and I sit on the couch and
text my mom, letting her know that I’m
safe. I then
switch off my phone and focus on what’s
playing on TV. After a while, Bongani
approaches me
and gives me a drink.
Me: So you’re serious about these cocktail
classes?
He laughs.
Bongani: And you’re the best guinea pig,
because your feedback is brutal. Proper
government
teacher.
Me: You idiot.
I laugh as I take my first sip. He then looks
at me excitedly as I take another sip.
Me: Hmm...
I take another sip and look at him.
Me: Is there Oros in here?
He nods.
Bongani: So?
Me: I like it.
I take another sip and nod.
Me: It’s nice. I love the Oros.
He smiles proudly as he stands up and
gets himself a beer. He comes back and
we watch TV. I
finish up my drink, and ask him for
another one.
Me: Good job!
He makes me another one and sits down
again.
He looks at me.
Bongani: How are you?
Me: I’m okay hey. Same old same old.
He wants to say something, but he stops
himself. I know he wants to ask me
questions, so I
can open up to him, but that will never
happen.
Me: Are you well?
He laughs quietly.
Him: I am well.
Me: Good.
We watch some more TV, and we both
finish our drinks.
Me: I’ll take a quick shower.
He nods absentmindedly as I stand up and
walk to the bedroom. I get my towel and
make my
way to the bathroom. I get in the shower,
and reflect as usual.
I finish lotioning my body, and put on my
pyjamas. As I clean up, he walks in and
takes off his
t-shirt.
Him: I can’t believe Mehgan beat up those
two girls at the same damn time.
I laugh.
Me: Amazing. Quite inspiring, really.
I had gotten him to love watching ratchet
shows like Bad Girls Club, Love and Hip
Hop, Real
Housewives of ATL etc. At first he judged
me, but after a month or so, he eventually
warmed
up. Now, he is a proud ratchet TV show
lover. He takes the fights so seriously,
more than me, at
times. I love it!
Him: I mean, can you imagine if we did
the same thing in SA? Got a bunch of
angry girls to live
in one house for a few months while the
cameras roll?
Me: I’d definitely enjoy that.
He walked to the bathroom and cleaned
himself up. I switched on my dialled Niki’s
number. It
rang for a while, but she answered.
Niki: Hiiii!
Me: I’m guessing you’re having fun?
Niki: Yaas! You’re missing out!
Me: I was just checking on you.
Niki: I’m good, friend.
Me: Hmkay then. Bye.
Niki: Love you!
Me: Love you too.
I end the call just as Bongani comes back,
and sits on the bed, lotioning himself.
Bongani: You really are a secretive
person, hey. It’s crazy.
Me: People don’t need to know everything
that takes place in my life.
Bongani: Not even your closest friend?
I smile.
Me: Nope.
He shakes his head in awe and finishes
up.
Bongani and I have known each other for
about 5 months now. We’re friends. Yes,
we’re friends.
It’s a chilled vibe really, and I like it this
way. I don’t concern myself with what’s
happening in his
life, and he doesn’t as well. We meet up a
couple of times in a month: watch
cartoons and
ratchet reality shows, drink his cocktails,
and have sex occasionally. That’s it.
Everything just
flows nje.
INSERT 3
When I wake up at around 7pm, I glance
at Bongani, who was fast asleep. I stare at
him,
analysing every part of him. I notice a
birthmark just below his belly button, and
I find myself
touching. It’s funny how I’m an observant
person, but somehow, with Bongani, I’ve
managed to
distance myself. I didn’t know I was
capable of doing such till we found
ourselves in this
arrangement. It makes things easier.
He opens his eyes and blinks a couple of
times before looking at me.
Me: Morning.
He yawns and pulls me back down, so I’m
lying on my back next to him.
Bongani: Why are you up, touching my
groin area?
Me: I noticed a birthmark.
He yawns again and keeps quiet. I glance
at him and realise that he fell asleep
again. I get up,
and make my way to the bathroom to
brush my teeth. Once I’m done, I walk to
the balcony, and
sit on the couch.
Derek... How am I going to deal with that
imbecile? Do I continue to ignore him
until he gives
up? Do I call him and tell him to leave me
alone? Do I meet up with him, and tell
him, face to
face, to fuck off?
I shall go with the latter. I switch on my
phone and read the messages I got from
Niki, telling me
that she had a good night, and was safe
and sound. Lol safe and sound where
exactly? I’ll call
her later to find out, once the hangover
has stopped torturing her. I go to my
contacts, and call
Derek.
I expect it to ring for a while because it’s
still early, but I he shocks me when he
answers.
Derek: Hello, Ziyanda.
Me: Hi, Derek. How are you?
Him: I am well, thank you. How are you?
I chuckle. I know Bongani always makes
fun of me with this I am well thing, so I’m
glad Derek is
also within my team.
Derek: Ziyanda?
Me: I’m here.
Derek: How are you?
Me: I’m okay, thanks. Uhm listen...
I sigh.
Me: Can we meet?
There is silence for a while.
Me: Hello?
Him: I’m here.
Me: I’d like us to meet.
Him: When and where?
Me: I’m in Rosebank now.
Him: No problem. What time do you want
to meet?
We decide on a time and place, and I end
the call.
Great. I’ll finally end this nonsense, and be
able to live freely. There’s nothing more
annoying
than feeling like someone is constantly
trying to disturb your peace.
Bongani: It’s Saturday, and you’re up.
You’re annoying.
I laugh as I look at him, standing by the
sliding door.
Me: Haibo go back to sleep.
Him: You’ve disturbed my peace.
I frown and he chuckles.
Him: I’m gonna make us breakfast.
Me: Great.
He walked back in and I sat there,
enjoying the crisp morning breeze.
***
It was now around 11am, and both of us
were showered and clean.
Me: See you later alligator.
Bongani: Bye Ms Dlamini.
We shared a hug and I got my bag.
Bongani: As usual, the orgasms are highly
appreciated.
Me: I’ve ghat you.
I get out of the car, and he drives off. I put
on my shades and smile to myself. Ahh I
am in such
a good space... No drama, no pettiness.
I have outpouring love from my family
and friends, a career that completes me,
and a few
orgasms here and there. Who wouldn’t
want such? I cherish this space.
Which is why I need to deal with this
person who is trying to disrupt my vibe...
I walk in the restaurant and he sends me a
text letting me know that he is outside. I
make my
way there, and I have to try by all means
to keep a straight face.
The first and last time I interacted with
this man, I was tipsy and all over the
place. Now if my
memory serves me right, he was not like
this... I don’t even know how to describe
him...
I clear my throat, and he looks up from
the menu. I stare at him, and he stares
back.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Derek.
He smiles warmly.
Him: Have a seat.
I sit down, and put my bag on the other
empty chair. Thank the heavens I have
these shades,
because my eyes are popping.
Derek: How are you?
Me: I’m okay.
He frowns. He is so masculine and... I
don’t know... Handsome, perhaps?
Him: Just okay?
I nod absentmindedly. Just then, the
waiter clears her throat, and I focus on
her.
Waiter: Anything to drink, ma’am?
I cringe when she calls me that. I always
tell my babies not to call me that.
Me: I’ll have water, please.
She nods and then smiles at Derek.
Waiter: Are you good, sir?
Derek nods dismissively and looks back at
me seriously. I shift uncomfortably,
because this
stare is a bit intense. He’s looking at me
like I’m some foreign object that he is
trying to figure
out. The waiter is nowhere to be found at
this point.
Derek: Do you mind taking off your
sunglasses?
Me: My eyes.
He frowns.
Gosh he really likes to frown.
Derek: What about your eyes?
Me: They are sensitive.
Derek: Hmm.
I desperately need water right now.
We sit in silence for a good minute. He is
just looking at me, as if he is waiting for
me to say
something.
Oh, yes. I’m the one who called this
meeting, right?
I clear my throat and look at him.
Me: Uhm the reason I asked to meet-
His phone rings, and he puts up his finger
to stop me.
The nerve!
He switches it off and puts it down, then
looks at me.
Derek: I apologise for that. I was unaware
that it was on.
Yhu. I take a deep breath, and the waiter
finally comes and I literally snatch the
glass of water,
and drink up.
Me: Do you mind bringing me a jug?
She nods tightly and then looks at Derek,
who is still looking at me.
Derek: What are you going to eat?
Me: I’ve already eaten.
Him: Are you sure?
I nod and look at the waiter, who is rolling
her eyes. This heffer...
Me: I’ll just have the jug of water.
Derek: I’ll have two well done eggs, and a
slice of tomato.
Me: Geesh.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: Nothing.
I decide to mind my own business, while
he continues making his very specific
order.
After a few minutes, the waiter walks off,
and we are back to the staring contest.
Derek: You were saying?
Me: Oh ya. Listen, I’m not comfortable
with your phone calls.
He immediately raises an eyebrow, and
I’m not sure if he’s trying to suppress a
smile, or what.
Derek: Is it?
I nod.
Me: I would appreciate it if you would
stop.
I finish off my water, and stare at him. He
seems to be deep in thought. He is so
weird.
Derek: My calls make you uncomfortable?
Me: Yes.
Derek: Do you mind telling me why?
Me: You call me every day. We don’t even
know each other. It’s weird.
Derek: So you want me to call you less?
Me: Uhm no. Just stop calling me.
He is quiet for a few seconds.
Him: I’ll be honest with you...
He brushes his chin lightly, and bites his
bottom lip.
Him: I don’t think I can... or want to, for
that matter.
Hehe imihlolo.
Me: Haike.
Him: As brief as our interaction was that
night, I genuinely feel drawn to you.
I stare at him in shock and confusion.
He keeps quiet and then sighs.
Him: However, I will respect your wishes.
He finishes up his drink, and looks at me
more softly.
Him: I apologize for coming across as
creepy or too persistent.
Me: Uhm thanks...
Suddenly, I feel guilty. I don’t even know
why.
Him: So you felt the need to tell me this
face to face?
I nod, and stop myself. I always
reprimand my babies for nodding, so why
am I nodding so
much suddenly?
Me: Yes.
Him: Why?
Me: I communicate better face to face.
Him: Is it?
I find myself nodding. Now I’m doubting
myself. Do I really communicate better in
person? I
could have easily sent him a text telling
him to disappear, instead of doing all of
this. I’m sure I
look and sound like a fool.
Him: Okay then. Your message has been
received.
Me: Thanks.
I sit there awkwardly, not knowing if I
should leave or what.
The waiter finally brings his food, and he
delves right in. Now I’m starting to feel
like I’m
invading his space.
Like I am the imbecile... Imagine.
Me: Uhm I have to go...
He nods lightly and smiles.
Him: Goodbye.
I stand up and get my bag.
Me: Bye.
I walk away and find myself sweating a
bit...
I immediately request an Uber, and it
arrives in less than 5 minutes. I get in and
off we go...
INSERT 4
I had spent the last 24 hours in the house,
watching ratchet reality shows, and
stuffing my face
with food.
It was now Sunday, and my parents were
at church. I had just finished cleaning
myself, and was
about to go back to bed, when I got a call
from Bongani.
Me: What’s up?
Bongani: I need to see you.
I could sense that he wasn’t fine.
Me: Are you okay?
Him: Are you at home?
Me: Yes.
Him: Can I pick you up?
Me: Uhm...
I thought about how warm and comfy my
bed was, and sighed.
Me: Okay.
Him: I’ll be there in 5 minutes.
Me: 5 minutes? Kanti ukuphi?
He ends the call and I sit on my bed,
wondering what the hell is wrong with
him. I eventually get
up, and get dressed. True to his word, he
calls me in five minutes, telling me that he
is outside. I
thank the good Lord that my parents are
not here, because they would not
approve.
I finish getting dressed, and then make
my way outside. I get to his car and get in.
Me: What’s-
I keep quiet as soon as I see his face. He
looks like he hasn’t slept in ages, and his
eyes are
swollen and red.
Me: Bongani?
I start panicking, because I’ve never seen
him like this.
He takes a deep breath, and then looks at
me blankly.
Bongani: My mom passed away.
My eyes pop out and I keep quiet for a
good minute, trying to process this. Why
is he telling me
this? Yes, we’re friends, but are we that
close? Where are his other friends? His
real friends?
My thoughts are interrupted, when I hear
him sob. I shake my head, trying to erase
my thoughts,
and then look at him. He has his head on
the steering wheel. Do I comfort him? Do I
say
something? I am so used to dealing with
children, that I can be quite awkward
with adults. We
aren’t wired like children.
I keep quiet, and let him be. We sit there
for about 20 minutes, until he seems to be
better. He
looks at me, and I reach over to his face
and wipe his tears, with my fingers.
Me: I’m sorry.
He nods lightly and we are silent again. As
I remove my hand, he takes it and
squeezes it.
Him: I’m sorry for bothering you.
Me: No, it’s ok-
Him: My people are MIA.
I groan in frustration. The friends we
keep sometimes... They disappear when
we need them.
Me: It’s fine.
He doesn’t let go of my hand.
Him: Do you mind if we take a drive?
Me: Not at all.
I get out of the car to lock the gate and
then we drive off. I keep glancing at him,
and I can see
how miserable he is. In this moment, I’m
busy thanking God that both my parents
are still here. I
cannot even begin to imagine how it feels
to lose a loved one.
We get to a park.
Him: Are you hungry? Sorry, we should
have passed b-
Me: No, it’s fine. I’m okay.
He nods absentmindedly, and we get out
of the car.
Me: What happened?
Him: She had a heart attack.
Me: Did she always have heart problems?
He nods lightly and looks at me.
Him: She was supposed to come see me
this week.
Me: Where does she live?
I suddenly feel ashamed of myself. I have
been sleeping with this person for months
now, but I
don’t know much about him. Yes, this is
good, because it means we maintain a
straightforward
sex relationship, but how do I not know
the person whom I share my body with?
I feel sick. Have I been lying to myself,
trying to convince myself that such a
relationship is
good for me?
Bongani: Are you okay?
I blink a couple of times, and remember
where I am.
Me: Ya, I’m just processing this.
He nods and we are quiet once again.
Bongani: So now I have to go home...
I didn’t even hear him tell me where he is
from.
Me: When?
Him: I’ll go tomorrow.
Me: Are you going to drive?
Phela now I’m trying to figure out where
home is. Is it another province? Country?
Is it here in
Soweto?
He frowns.
Him: I’m not going to drive to KZN.
Me: Oh...
I keep quiet.
Me: You’ll fly?
He nods, and I decide to keep quiet with
my stupid questions.
His phone rings, and he looks at it,
angrily. He eventually answers it.
Him: What?
I take out my phone, and see a missed call
from Niki. Seconds later, a message comes
in.
Niki: You will not believe who I saw! The
worm is back in town!
I roll my eyes. Then I remember why I
committed myself to such a relationship
with Bongani in
the first place.
Men are trash.
I put away my phone, when I hear
Bongani say bye to whoever he is
speaking to.
He grunts.
Me: Everything okay?
Him: My siblings are just being annoying.
I keep quiet. At this point, I have accepted
that I do not know this man next to me.
For all I
know, I could have been sleeping with a
serial killer...
Him: I have to go.
Me: Oh okay.
We get in the car, and he drives off. After a
while, we get to my house.
Him: Thank you for stopping whatever
you were doing just to give me some of
your time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Him: And I know you’re secretly pissed
because I’ve crossed the line.
Me: I mean... It’s okay... We didn’t really
cover what happens when people die and
stuff.
I don’t know if he’s going to take that
personally. I look at him carefully, and am
relieved when
he chuckles, and smiles.
Him: I’ll see you around.
Me: Look, I know we’re not that close, but
if you need a friend, I am here.
Him: I know.
I smile and we share a hug.
Me: See you...
He nods and I get out of the car. To be
honest, I am glad he brought me back
home. That was
very awkward, sad, and confusing.
Thankfully, my parents are not back yet.
They’ll probably be back in the evening,
because
after-church gatherings tend to extend.
I pour myself a glass of water, sit on the
couch, and read Niki’s message again. I
snigger angrily
as I think about this person who seems to
be back in town...
I call her and she answers almost
immediately.
Niki: Friend, are you okay? Did my
message upset you?
Me: Not even. I’m over that situation.
She keeps quiet. I’m sure if she was here,
she’d be looking at me all intensely, trying
to figure
out if I mean what I am saying.
Me: Niki, it’s been over a year. I’m over
the worm.
Niki: It came up to me last night when I
was at Shakers.
Me: Hmm everything seems to be
obsessed with Maboneng.
Niki: Anyway, it asked me how you were...
I keep quiet.
Niki: I almost slapped the shit out of it!
The fucken nerve!
Me: Let it go.
Her: Hai suka.
Me: Ya well, it’s all over now. It’s beeen
over.
She sighs.
Her: Wanna go to Bafokeng to chill?
Me: No thanks. Nikiwe, uxoshiwe ekhaya?
Yoh.
She laughs and ends the call.
I finish my glass of water, and sit there
laughing, as I think back to where I was,
just a year
ago...
Hai shame ngifundile.
Relationships can miss me.
INSERT 5
It’s now Monday, and I am still chilling at
home, doing nothing. I only start my new
job the
following week. My mom is at work, and
my dad is busy outside, with his
customers.
It is now around 11am. I have been calling
Bongani, checking up on him. He seems
better when
we talk, and he informed me that he was
going to KZN this evening. I told him I’d
call him again
later, just to wish him well.
I decided to take myself out... I had spent
the whole night thinking about “the
worm.” That one
was a real problem in my life yazi. To be
honest, I’m surprised I made it out alive
nje... The
heartbreak was too much!
Anyway, I got dressed and made my way
outside. The neighbourhood is chilled,
people are at
work. I understand why this Loxion
Management lifestyle can seem appealing,
but I guess
people get tired of it after a while.
I tell my dad I am getting some fresh air,
and he couldn’t care less. He is too
focused on his
people. I get a taxi to town, and realise a
bit later that I am subconsciously heading
for
Maboneng, which I thought I despised... I
guess the place is convenient for us
Soweto folk,
because transport is easily accessible, and
distance is not an issue. Anyway, I get
there after an
hour, and walk to Chalkboard. I get a table
outside, and place an order.
I take out my reading book, and begin
reading. This is actually one of my “me
time” activities. I
go to a restaurant by myself, read a book,
write, or mark my scholars’ work. The
waitress brings
my drink, and tells me that my pizza will
be ready in 10 minutes or so. I focus on
my book
again...
A person clears their throat, and I look up.
I try not to roll my eyes.
I am immediately bombarded by his
cologne, and part of me melts. I have
always loved the way
he smells. He flashes a smile, and I just
stare at him blankly.
Him: Ziyanda Dlamini... Ms Dlamini...
Me: Hello Siyabonga.
He chuckles and I continue staring at him.
This fucken worm. This sleezy, sneaky, sly
worm...
He puts down his laptop bag, and sits
opposite me on my bench. Life seems to
be treating him
right. This charismatic idiot.
Siya: I cannot believe this. I thought
you’re not in Joburg.
Me: Where would I be?
Him: I don’t know...
I roll my eyes.
Him: How are you?
Me: I’m well.
Him: I’m also well.
He looks around and smiles.
Him: What are you doing here? Last time I
checked, you weren’t a Mabo fan.
Me: But you sure love it, don’t you?
He rubs his chin thoughtfully.
Me: You seem to flourish here...
He looks at me almost shyly.
Me: Uyafeba phela wena. This was, or
probably still is, your playground.
Him: Yoh.
He smiles, something he always does
when he is a tad uncomfortable.
Me: Taking a lunch break?
He nods.
Me: Hmm.
I open my book and continue reading.
Him: Listen.
Me: Uh-uh I’m not listening to anything
you have to say. I’m reading a very
captivating book
here.
Him: About what?
Me: The Four Agreements.
Him: Mind summarizing?
I look at him, and see his mischievous
smile.
Me: No, actually...
He raises an eyebrow as I close the book
and stare at him.
Me: These agreements are said to make
life easier.
Him: Is it?
Me: Agreement 1- Be impeccable with
your word. Say what you mean. Stick to
your word, and
avoid using words to speak against
yourself.
He nods.
Me: Agreement 2- my personal favourite-
Don’t take anything personally. Nothing
others do is
because of you. What others say and do is
a projection of their own reality.
Him: It’s your favourite agreement?
Me: Yep. When I am immune to what
others think, say about me, or do around
me, I will not be a
victim of needless suffering.
Him: Geesh.
Me: So if someone decides to go around
handing out his dick to every Benny and
Betty around
town, I will not take it personally. It’s not
a reflection of me. It’s their issue. Clearly
they’re
fucked up.
He smiles even more, and I know he
wants to crawl away.
Just then, the waitress brings my pizza,
and I thank her. I then take a bite, and
smile at him.
Me: Want some pizza?
He takes one and eats.
Me: I am now on the third agreement.
“Don’t make assumptions.”
I take a sip of my drink.
Me: I should always find the courage to
ask questions and express what I really
want.
Communicate clearly to avoid any
misunderstandings.
Him: Hmm... I’ve never gotten you to
communicate properly.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You’re a bad communicator.
Me: Mxm.
Him: Seriously, you struggle with opening
up.
Me: So was I supposed to open up to your
lying and cheating self?
He sighs.
Me: Trust me, it has taken a lot of woosah
to sit here, and not throw this drink on
you. Trust me,
I’m communicating very well right now...
Him: I see Love and Hip Hop and all that
other nonsense has deeply influenced
you.
Me: Please go. Angazi nokuthi ufunani la.
Just go. Nxa.
He chuckles and looks at me seriously.
Him: I know we’ve been through this, but
I’m-
Me: Stop right there... I’m not interested.
Him: Bu-
Me: Uh-uh. I’ve been done with you.
You’re a dog.
He rubs his chin again and nods.
Him: Okay.
Me: Hamba ke. I’m sure iphelile i-lunch
hour.
He takes another slice of pizza, and stands
up.
Him: You’re so sour.
Me: Futsek!
He laughs, as he takes his bag, and walks
off... Nxa that shady worm.
I focus on my food and try to regain my
reading mood, but I struggle. Now I’m
thinking about
how annoying he is. He has never been
one to take things seriously, which is one
of the many
reasons why I left him...
After 2 hours or so, I decide to leave. I
walk all the way up to buy some ice cream
at Cocobel. I
marvel at how this whole place has been
transformed. To think that this whole
area was
shady... now it looks like a completely
different, vibey and safe space.
I bump into Siya again.
Me: You work here?
He nods.
Him: We’re renting offices around the
corner.
Me: Bye.
Him: Actually, why aren’t you at work?
I ignore him and walk away... A minute
later, he is driving slowly next to me.
Him: Lift?
Me: You know how cheap Uber is?
Him: Not really. I have my own car.
Me: Mxm.
He chuckles.
Him: Come on.
Me: No.
Him: Are you being impeccable with your
word?
I stop walking and look at him angrily, but
end up laughing.
Me: Leave me alone, you serial cheater.
Him: Low blow.
I turn, and walk away. I then make my
way to Main Street to get a taxi...
INSERT 6
It’s now Wednesday, and I am still in my
chill zone. I must admit that I was getting
a bit
restless. I miss working, and being busy.
Maybe I should go visit my babies? Yes, I
will do just
that...
I finish cleaning up the house, and take a
bath. As I lotion myself, I get a call from
some
unfamiliar number... I answer it
hesitantly.
Me: Hello?
Person: Hi, am I speaking to Ziyanda
Dlamini?
Me: Yes, this is she.
Person: Hi Ziyanda, how are you?
Me: I’m well, thanks, and how you?
Person: I am great, thank you. You are
speaking to Lebo, from Shining Stars
Primary School.
Me: Okay...
Lebo: I was calling to check if you are
available for our pre-service training.
Me: Pre-service training?
Lebo: Yes, we usually have training
sessions for our new educators, to ensure
that they feel
prepared.
Me: Do you mind if I ask why I’m only
informed about this now?
Lebo: We only got confirmation of your
post this morning. Our support office is
responsible for
placements.
Me: Hmm.
How shady... I could even sense her bitchy
tone. To me, it sounds like this Lebo
person was
supposed to call me a week ago, but she
didn’t. Now she’s blaming the head
office...
Lebo: Anyway, will you be available?
Me: When did it start? Will I be
inconvenienced in any way?
Lebo: No. We only have three new
employees, and none of them were able to
make it on
Monday and Tuesday, therefore, our
principal has decided to kick start your
training session
today. You will not start teaching till that
other week. You will observe how our
educators teach,
and how we do things, before you can
start teaching.
Me: Uhm okay.
Lebo: So will you make it today?
Me: Uhm sure. When should I get there?
Lebo: 11am.
Me: Okay. Thanks.
Lebo: See you soon.
Me: Okay, good bye.
Lebo: Bye.
She ends the call, and I stand there,
annoyed as hell. How unprofessional!
I check the time and grunt. It’s 8am...
I finish dressing up, in a simple yet
professional navy dress, and put on a bit
of makeup. Once
I’m done, I get everything I need, call my
mom and tell her what just happened.
Mom: Yoh so now you have to go to
Randburg?
Me: Yes, traffic is probably intense.
Mom: You need a car yazi.
Me: Hmm.
I am not even thinking about a car right
now. I’m not trying to rush into things,
and find myself
drowning in debt. I’ll probably get a used
car for now... We’ll see...
Mom: Anyway, uhambe kahle baby. Let
me know when you get there. I know
you’ll be the best.
I smile and say goodbye to her. I then
make my way outside...
***
There’s no place in the world I hate more
than Bree. That whole area nje gives me
so much
anxiety. I was now in a queue, and my
nerves were doing the most. I hate such
crowded places,
I have anxiety problems...
Thankfully, I get to Randburg on time, and
am able to walk casually to my
destination. Part of
me regrets making this change, but I
know it’s all going to benefit me in the
end... I just hate
how far this place is... Maybe I should get
an apartment close to the school? I’ll
dissect this
issue when I get back home.
After a 15 minute walk, I finally get to the
school, and it seems like some of the kids
are on
break. I stop myself from laughing as I
think about what my babies would do if
they were in
such a space. They’d probably be
overwhelmed by all this privilege.
I get in, and stand at the reception area.
I see some lady, probably in her 20s,
sitting behind a huge concrete desk, and I
assume that she
is Lebo.
Lebo: Hello there.
Me: Morning.
I walk closer to the desk, and she smiles.
But it’s that coldish smile.
Me: I’m Ziyanda Dlamini, and I was called
earlier this morning.
Lebo: Oh hi Ziyanda.
I smile.
Lebo: How are you?
Me: Great, thanks.
Lebo: Please have a seat. You’re quite
early...
I don’t respond.
Lebo: The other two teachers are not here
yet.
Me: Okay.
I walk to the long couch and sit down. I
look around... I think I’ll like this school;
it’s very intimate
and small.
I take out my phone and text my mom and
dad, telling them that I am safe and sound.
I saw a few kids walking around with
their hands behind their backs, and smile.
Clearly
behaviour management won’t be an issue
here.
After about 10 minutes, I was joined by
another girl, around the same age as me, if
not the
same. She sits next to me and introduces
herself.
Her: My name is Lwazi.
I smile, as I think about my baby.
Me: Nice to meet you, Lwazi. I’m Ziyanda.
We smile at each other as we make small
talk. I like her. She seems chilled. Shortly
after, we are
joined by another girl, and she is
definitely lesbian. She is wearing a formal
shirt, with chinos... I
mean, I’m not judging or anything... Well I
hope my prediction is correct.
She comes to us and shakes our hands.
Her: Gee. That’s my name.
Me: Ziyanda.
Lwazi: Lwazi.
She smiles, and sits down next to us.
Gee: Were you guys also called this
morning?
Lwazi: Yep.
Gee: How fucked up and unprofessional.
I chuckle. Exactly, Gee. Something ain’t
right with this Lebo chick, and I’m never
wrong when it
comes to shady people.
Lwazi: I had my interview in Pretoria, and
they asked me which school I want to go
to and I said
this one, because it’s closer to where I
live. So I was very confused when I got a
call from Lebo
telling me that she only found this
morning that I’m supposed to be here.
Gee: Doesn’t make sense.
Me: Crazy...
Lwazi: Anyway, we’re here now.
Just then, a coloured lady walks in and
goes to Lebo. She has a chat with her, and
then comes
to us, smiling warmly.
Her: Good morning. My name is Camille
Billings, I’m the deputy principal.
She is short, petite, and very pretty. You
can tell she comes from a wealthy family-
probably
those coloureds who were spies during
the apartheid era.
We all greet back.
Camille: I would like to apologise for
today’s misunderstanding. Our head
support office is
responsible for placing employees in all
our branches. We had no idea that they
had filled our
posts here. They only informed us today. I
apologise.
At least she’s not bitchy like that one over
there.
Camille: We usually have pre-service
professional development sessions at the
beginning of the
year, for our veteran and new staff
members. However, when I found out this
morning that we’d
be getting new members, I thought it was
important to prepare you guys first,
because you will
soon find out that this is not an ordinary
school. I know its October, but I still want
you all to
start teaching once you fully understand
how things work. I don’t want to throw
you in the deep
end.
Okay. I officially love this woman. She’s
very calm, but you can tell that she knows
what she is
doing.
Me: We were quite baffled when we got
that call this morning, because it seemed
too sudden.
However, we appreciate the apology,
thank you.
She smiles and then laughs.
Camille: Look at me babbling, while I
didn’t even give you the chance to
introduce yourselves!
We introduce ourselves and shake hands.
Camille: Okay, now that we’re on the
same page, let me take you on a tour
around the school.
Lwazi: Great.
We stand up and follow her.
Camille: This is Lebo Motaung. She is our
receptionist. She deals with all the admin,
and is
basically the face of the campus.
I try not to roll my eyes.
Camille then leads us around the school,
explaining the vision and mission of the
school. I love
every moment of it. I am definitely going
to fit in here. All the teachers are young,
and the kids
seem kind.
We finish the tour, and then go back to
reception.
Camille: Lebo, do you know where Ngidi
is?
Lebo: He is the Grade 5 computer lab,
doing his weekly observations.
Camille nodded and led us to the
computer lab.
Camille: Oh, sorry for skipping this space.
This is our Grade 5’s computer lab. Like I
explained,
each grade has its own computer lab. We
believe that our students (hehe I was
shocked to
discover that these kids are called
students, not kids or children) need as
much as exposure to
online spaces as possible, because of the
current internet buzz around the world.
We’re
grooming them to be functional citizens
who will have all the necessary skills to
make it.
She smiles as she leads us into the lab. I
look around, and see every student sitting
quietly,
focusing on their computer screens.
Others have small whiteboards next to
them, and they
seem to be working on maths, online.
Camille: Hmm where is this man?
Camille looks around and just then,
someone clears their throat, and we all
turn around.
Camille: There you are! We have been
looking for you!
What the actual hell?
Camille: Lwazi, Ziyanda, and Gee, this is
our principal, Derek Ngidi.
I stare at him in shock, and he also does
the same.
Njani guys? How did I not know this?
INSERT 7
Derek: Good morning. I assume you’re
our new teachers?
Lwazi: Yes.
Like, how is this happening? This man is
the principal? I am going to be working
for him? He’s
my boss? Njani guys?
Camille: And this is Ziyanda Dlamini.
I snap out of it and realise that his hand
his out. I reluctantly shake it and then
look at him. He is
staring at me, but I can see he’s finding all
of this amusing. He’s not shocked
anymore.
Derek: Well I am glad you’re all here. We
were short-staffed.
Gee: Is it?
Derek: Yes.
He then went on to explain, and I just
zoned out again. I just can’t believe that
this is happening.
How is Derek a principal? How did I not
know this? Clearly I didn’t do enough
research.
I feel Lwazi nudge me and I snap out of it.
Lwazi: Girl, what’s wrong with you?
Where are Derek, Gee, and Camille?
Me: Nothing.
She giggles and looks at me suspiciously.
Lwazi: Derek is cute.
Me: Hmm not my type.
Lwazi: Really? Did you see that man? Tall,
dark, and sexy?
I try not to roll my eyes.
Lwazi: Let’s go before they fetch us.
Before we walk out, one student walks to
us and smiles.
Student: Good morning.
Me: Hi dear.
Student: My name is Rori. Are you going
to be our new teachers?
She is tall, dark-skinned and has long
hair- very beautiful.
Lwazi: Yes, we’re your new teachers. I am
Ms Khoza, your Maths teacher, and this is
Ms
Dlamini, your English teacher.
Rori: That’s nice.
She smiles brightly.
Rori: See you soon!
She walks off and we chuckle.
Lwazi: Clearly we won’t have behaviour
issues. These kids seemed well-trained.
Me: Yep. Thank God.
We walk out of the lab and make our way
to the reception area again. We get there
and find
Gee.
Gee: Let’s get some fresh air. We’ve been
given a break.
Me: I want to start teaching.
Lwazi: Tell me about it.
Gee: And these people seem very serious
about training.
We all laugh as we walk out...
***
It’s now around 14:00 and we did some
classroom observations. This school
really is different,
it will take some getting used to, but I am
very excited.
We go to Camille’s office, and say goodbye
to her.
Camille: Thank you for your enthusiasm
and cooperation. I will see you tomorrow.
We say goodbye and as we’re about to
walk out, Derek walks in.
Derek: You’re leaving?
Gee: Yes.
Derek: Did you have a good day?
Lwazi: Yes, I love it here!
Derek: That’s good to hear.
He then glances at me.
Derek: Do you also love it?
I clear my throat.
Me: Yes.
He nods lightly.
Derek: Goodbye then.
We all say goodbye, and I am beyond
happy when we finally step outside.
Gee: Okay guys, I’ll see you tomorrow. I
live around the corner.
Me: That’s nice. I still have to take two
taxis.
Lwazi: Konje you’re from Soweto.
I nod grudgingly.
Gee: Why don’t you move?
Me: I think it’s about time hey.
Lwazi: My offer still stands. I live by
myself in a two bedroom apartment.
Gee: Why don’t you invite me?
We all laugh.
Lwazi: Stop trying to get in my pants, you
freak.
Gee: I’ll get you one day.
She says goodbye and leaves.
Lwazi: Ngi-serious neh Zi. You can move
in with me.
I nod.
Me: I will talk to my parents. I think it’s a
good idea because I can’t be going
through the most
just to get to work every day.
Lwazi: And you also have to consider
weather changes as well. You don’t want
to travel in the
rain...
I sigh.
Me: I’ll call you later.
Lwazi: Shap.
We hug each other and go our separate
ways. As I am walking to the taxi rank, I
get a call from
an unsaved number. I answer it.
Me: Hello?
Person: Miss Dlamini.
Me: What, Siya?
Siya: I’m glad you haven’t changed your
number.
I groan.
Siya: Ukuphi?
Me: Randburg.
Siya: Ufunani e-Randburg?
Me: I work here now.
Siya: Is it?
Me: Mmm.
Siya: Manje uhamba ngani?
Me: Taxis.
Him: Did you just knock off now?
Me: Yes.
Him: Let me get you an Uber.
Me: Hmkay.
Him: Wait, you’re not saying no?
Me: I’m being burnt by the sun as we
speak. I’d accept a lift from a cannibal
freak.
He laughs.
Him: Send me your location.
Me: I don’t have your number.
Him: Wow.
Me: Angijoli nawe.
Him: Mxm. Just send it to this number.
Me: Hmkay. Bye.
I end the call and find a spot with some
shade. I didn’t feel this long walk in the
morning,
probably because I was so nervous and
excited. Hayi liyashisa ilanga. I am being
burnt straight,
kuphele ukuphapha. I send the worm my
location, and he tells me my Uber driver’s
details, and
that the Uber will be here in 3 minutes. I
wait, and sure enough, a white Merc
comes through. I
laugh as I get in.
I text him, telling him that I am safe and
sound, then he tells me to enjoy my first
Uber Black
experience.
I sure did... I had never been in a Merc
before.
We get to Maboneng, and I am dropped
off at his offices. He is a property
developer.
He walks out and comes to me.
Siya: Hello.
Me: Hey.
Siya: You look drained.
Me: I am exhausted.
As much as I love that school, it is very
clear that I am going to be working my ass
off. I haven’t
even started teaching but I am drained.
Him: So you changed schools?
Me: Ya.
Him: You want that private school money,
huh?
Me: Do I really need it though? Seeing as
you’re out here getting me Uber Blacks.
He laughs and we make our way inside.
He leads me to his office, and I look
around.
Me: Still an OCD freak, I see.
Him: And you’re still a sarcastic freak, I
see.
I roll my eyes and sit down on a long L-
shaped couch.
Him: Are you hungry?
Me: Yes.
He nods as he goes and sits on his desk,
and dials a number on his phone. I hear
him ordering
food, and then he ends the call. He focuses
on his work, while I take a nap on his
comfortable
couch. A small part of me is wondering
what the hell I am doing here, but the
other part of me
is chilled. I am over this man. Really, I am.
Anyway, the food is delivered after an
hour or so, and he brings it to me. He then
sits next to me
and watches me eat.
Him: So why did you decide to change
schools right before the year ends?
Me: I just felt like it.
Him: Very unlike you.
Me: You don’t know me.
He chuckles and I eat in peace.
Me: You’re not hungry?
He shakes his head and I shrug, and finish
my food. Once I’m done, I drink the rest of
my water,
and give him the empty food container.
Me: Thanks.
He throws it away and then gets back to
work, while I walk around the office,
checking his
space out.
I see a frame with a picture of his younger
sister, who is 20 years old. We were very
close, but
after the breakup I distanced myself. I
wasn’t comfortable with being around her
because she
was a constant reminder of him. I needed
to deal with the breakup in peace. Part of
me still
feels guilty for shutting her out like that,
but I just had to, for my own sake.
Me: How is she?
He looks up from his laptop.
Him: She’s fine, I guess.
Me: You guess?
Him: She hates me.
I frown.
Him: Angithi you disappeared because of
me.
Me: She’s still mad?
Him: Definitely.
Me: Yoh.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Is she doing well in school?
Him: She has no choice. I am paying for
her fees.
I chuckle.
Him: Can’t be wasting my money.
Me: You still keep tabs on her?
Him: I will stop once she has a sustainable
job.
Me: Hmm.
He focuses on his work again and I go
back to the couch and sit down. I take out
my diary and
begin reflecting on my day. I absolutely
love journal writing. It’s the only way I
can fully express
myself, and keep sane.
Him: You’ll be happy to know that I still
write on my journal.
Me: I’m sure you write about your hoe
tendencies.
Him: Yoh.
Me: But I’m glad you didn’t stop.
Remember how difficult it was to get you
accustomed to
writing?
He nods.
Him: I’m not as consistent as I want to be.
Me: Well at least you do it.
He focuses on his work and I focus on
writing. After a while, I’m done.
Me: I’m ready to go now.
Him: Let me just finish going through this
lease agreement.
Me: Hmkay.
He’s done in 30 minutes, and I watch him
clean up his already clean space. We walk
out and go
to his car.
Him: So you’re not objecting to a lift
today?
Me: Nope. I’m too tired to resist.
Him: Hmm let’s go then.
We get in the car and drive off...
I take another nap...
It’s been a very weird day, and I am
scared that this weirdness will not go
away anytime soon...
INSERT 8
It is now Friday, and we are knocking off.
I can’t believe I have been so overworked,
that time I
haven’t even started teaching. Lwazi and I
decided I’d sleepover at her place tonight,
so I could
see it, and make a decision. I had spoken
to my mom and she was okay with me
moving, but
my dad is the one who is giving me
problems. He just refuses to let me go,
poor man.
I have met all the kids I’m going to teach,
and I must say we’re getting along. As we
say our
goodbyes, Camille calls me aside, and we
go to her office.
Me: Is everything okay?
She nods and smiles.
Camille: I just wanted to let you know that
you have great potential.
I frown. Okay? Random much?
Camille: I can see that you work hard, and
I want you to continue being like this. We
have a lot
of professional opportunities, and if your
carry on like this, you will grow
tremendously.
Me: Oh wow, that was unexpected. Thank
you.
She smiles sweetly.
Me: You just made my day. Thank you!
She gives me a hug.
Camille: I can’t wait to be your couch. It’s
going to be amazing!
Me: Yay!
Derek walks in.
Camille: D, I was just telling her that we
recognize her potential.
“D” smiles. My heart. My heart, Lord Jesus
of Nazareth.
Derek: We look forward to seeing you
grow.
I look at him, and smile lightly.
Me: Thank you.
He nods, and takes whatever he needed
from the office.
Him: Have a good weekend ladies. I have
a flight to catch.
Me: You do?
I honestly have no idea where that came
from. I just... Angazi...
He looks at me amusingly, and I realise
that Camille is no longer in the office.
Where did she
go? Why did she leave me alone with this
man? This sexy beast.
Derek: Ziyanda?
I snap of it and clear my throat.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Yes, I’m just tired.
Him: Get some rest on the weekend.
All I can do is nod at this point. I stare at
him and sigh.
Me: Derek.
I also have no idea why the hell I just
whispered his name like that. I am such a
creep!
Him: Yes, Ziyanda?
I exhale.
Me: I feel-
I keep quiet. He stares at me a bit
seriously this time around.
Him: I’m listening.
Me: I feel very awkward about all of this.
Him: Don’t.
Me: So you don’t feel awkward?
He shakes his head and steps closer to
me. Heeyi the Devil is trying me!
Him: I’m actually glad that I will work
closely with you. You seem to be a good
educator.
I keep quiet.
Him: You’ll get over the awkwardness
once you start getting really busy.
Me: It’s going to get busier than this?
Him: Most definitely. This place will test
you, and only the strongest survive.
Me: Is it too late to quit?
He chuckles, and I try by all means to
keep my body intact. I’m not about to melt
here.
Him: Yes, it’s unquestionably too late to
quit right now.
Me: Shit.
He chuckles again.
Him: And she curses...
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Him: I thought you were perfect.
Me: Uh-
I keep quiet. I want to run around naked
at this point. Just run around naked like a
mentally
disturbed person. Don’t even ask me why.
He smiles warmly.
Him: Anyway, have a good weekend. I
have to go.
Me: Okay.
Him: Bye.
Me: Bye.
He walks out of the office, and I stand
there, trying to stabilize my breathing.
How the hell am I
supposed to see this person every single
day? I can’t do this! This is not right!
I walk out and make my way outside,
where Lwazi is waiting for me.
Lwazi: I have beeen waiting!
Me: Camille wanted me to resign my
contract.
She nods and we walk out of the school. I
want to tell her everything about Derek. I
need to tell
someone. However, I know that this is
risky. It could get me fired. I’ll tell Niki,
because she is
not involved and she will tell me the
truth.
We get to her place, and I must admit, I
love it. It’s spacious and has two
bedrooms, each with
ensuite bathrooms.
Me: This is amazing.
Lwazi: We’ll both have our privacy. We
only share the kitchen and lounge area.
Me: Okay I’m convinced. I love it.
Lwazi: We can split rent.
Me: Cool. I just have to convince my dad
first.
Her: Shap.
Me: Let me take a shower.
Her: Okay.
I walk to the bathroom, her bathroom,
and take a shower...
***
It is now around 7pm. Lwazi is outside,
dealing with her boyfriend. She told me
that they were
fighting... I didn’t even have the energy to
fully listen to her... I am that exhausted.
I miss Bongani.
I dial his number, and it rings for a while.
He eventually answers.
Bongani: Zi.
Me: Hey there, unjani?
Him: I’m okay, just tired.
I sigh.
Me: Ubuya nini?
He laughs and I smile.
Him: Tomorrow night.
Me: So soon?
Him: This place is depressing. I’m leaving
as soon as the funeral is over.
Me: Are you sure?
Him: Yes. Everyone is just so mellow. I
want to get back to work.
Me: Okay.
Him: I’m going to see you tomorrow,
right?
Me: Time?
Him: Probably around 8pm.
Me: Cool.
I guess I won’t be spending my weekend
resting at home.
Him: Ukuphi manje?
Me: I’m with my future roommate.
Him: So you’re serious about moving out?
Me: Ya, the transport thing is tiring.
Him: I think it’s a good idea. It’s about to
move out of your parents’ house.
Me: Yeah yeah whatever.
He laughs and I smile again. I feel so sorry
for him.
We go on and talk about random things
for about 2 hours. We say good night and
I go to the
lounge, and find Lwazi sitting on the
couch, crying. Gosh is this what I’m going
to be dealing
with when I live here? I am already
dealing with exhaustion from work, now I
have to comfort a
lovesick person? Hai hai hai.
I sit next to her and she looks at me sadly.
Lwazi: How dare he come here and tell
me I’m too busy for him? What am I
supposed to do?
Quit my job so I can cater to him?
I sigh and keep quiet.
There’s nothing I hate more than
comforting people who are going through
relationship
problems. I just can’t deal with the
melodrama. The constant crying and
fighting. I’m not in a
relationship because I want to live a
peaceful life.
I love Lwazi, but do I really want to do
this?
She stops crying and goes to the bedroom.
Thank God!
I watch an episode of Real Housewives of
ATL. I’m so used to watching it with
Bongani. I know
he’ll want to catch up when he gets back,
and I look forward to that. He is so drama
free, and he
gives me phenomenal orgasms.
My brain immediately flashes an image of
“D.”
Maybe I need his D in my life...
I immediately shake off that thought, and
dial Niki’s number. She answers.
Me: Friend.
Niki: Hey boo.
Me: You sound like you were sleeping.
Her: I’m chilling at home.
Me: Wow! Wow!
We both laugh and catch up. I go to the
balcony and close the sliding door, as I fill
her in on
Derek. Her reaction angers me.
She legit laughs at me.
For a good 5 minutes.
Me: This is serious!
Her: Friend, clearly the universe wants
something to brew between the two of
you!
Me: No!
She laughs.
Her: I kid, I kid.
I sigh dramatically.
Her: Don’t do anything stupid. If anything,
he should be the one to make the first
move.
Me: How unprofessional.
Her: How come I don’t remember him?
Me: You were drunk, you idiot!
She laughs.
Her: Listen, just don’t cross the line.
Me: Okay.
Her: Find another dick to distract you.
Me: Hmm.
She doesn’t know much about Bongani.
He’s my best kept secret.
And he will remain that.
Me: Okay, let me go and check on Lwazi.
She laughs again.
Her: That’s what you get for making a
new friend without me.
Me: Mxm!
I end the call and make my way inside.
At the end of the day, no one kicked me
out of my parents’ house, hey. I don’t have
any drama
there... So maybe I should stay put till a
man asks to marry me...
INSERT 9
The following day, Lwazi woke up feeling
much better. I was beyond glad!
We decided to go out and have brunch
with white people. We dressed up, and
made our way to
Mike’s Kitchen in Parktown.
We get there, and order our food.
Me: So you think we’ll survive?
She laughs.
Lwazi: Ya I think we’re going to be a good
team. Gee is also focused, so we’ll be fine.
Me: True.
Lwazi: And who wouldn’t survive with
such a hot principal?
I want to slap her! She must stay away
from my man!
Well... Argh you know what I mean.
Lwazi: I wonder if he’s seeing someone.
Me: Uyam’funa?
She laughs and I join her. But trust that
it’s a fake laugh. I’m out here trying to
mark my damn
territory.
Lwazi: Nah he’s too strong for my liking.
Me: Strong?
Lwazi: Ya, he seems a bit intense.
Me: So you like them timid?
We both laugh.
Her: I do, actually. I just don’t like men
who are too dominant. They scare the shit
out of me.
Me: Well at least you know your type very
well.
Her: Wena what’s your type?
Me: Hmm I’m not sure yazi.
Her: I think you want the strong type.
Me: Thing is, I also have a strong
personality. I don’t want a man I can run
over.
We laugh.
Her: Then Derek is definitely your type.
Me: No, he’s too perfect.
Her: You think?
I nod. Inside, I know my ass is lying. That
man is every woman’s type.
Her: I’m sure he has a girlfriend though.
I take a sip of my drink as I imagine him
with another woman wrapped in his
arms. Disgusting.
Her: Or fuck buddy.
I groan. I need to change this topic, and I
do... I’d rather listen to her whine about
her man than
imagine all these crazy things about
Derek.
***
It was now around 7pm, and I had packed
my things. I was ready to see Bongani
now. I told him
I’d get an Uber to his place, as usual, and
he reluctantly agreed.
I say goodbye to Lwazi, and make my way
to my Uber. Boy am I glad I’m leaving this
place. I
need to reconsider this moving thing. I am
very big on personal space, so I don’t
know how I will
survive with leaving with my colleague,
whom I work with closely.
I get to Bongani’s place, just he is driving
in. I get in his car, and he parks it.
We get out and share a hug.
Me: Unjani?
He doesn’t say anything, instead he hugs
me tighter. We stand there for a while and
then make
our way inside. We get to his place, and I
switch on the lights.
Him: I need to take a shower.
Me: Okay. If I could cook, I’d prepare a
lovely meal for you.
I smile shamefully, and he laughs quietly.
Him: It’s fine, I’m not hungry.
I nod and watch as he walks to the
bedroom. Geesh, this is going to be
intense and sad.
After a while, I walk to the bedroom, and
find him lotioning himself. I walk to him,
and take his
lotion. I begin lotioning him.
Me: It will get better, Bongani.
Him: I hope so...
It is silent as I lotion up. I finish up and
smile.
Me: Done.
He stares at me and my stomach churns.
The vibe has definitely changed since his
mom’s
passing. He’s a sad person, and all I want
to do is hold him until he feels better. I
know we have
a casual relationship, but I can’t help but
want to support him.
He wraps his arms around me and buries
his head in my neck. We’re hugging. We
stand there
for a long time, while he sobs silently.
Eventually, he lifts his head and I wipe his
tears.
Me: I’m sorry.
He nods as he brings his face closer to
mine and places his lips on mine.
Him: Thank you.
I nod.
Him: I appreciate your support.
Me: You’re welcome.
He bites my lower lip and we kiss. A very
tender and slow kiss. I wrap my arms
around his neck
and he lifts me up. I had come to realize
that men really are strong. Despite my
weight, they
always seem to manage to lift me here
and there. Well I’ve only been with three
men (excluding
Bongani) so I’m sure there are men out
there who would run at the thought of
lifting me, not
that they’re my target market anyway.
He places me carefully on the bed, and we
continue kissing. I reposition so I’m on
top. I’m going
to be as “loving” as I can in this moment,
and hope that it will make him feel
better...
***
We are now cuddling. Something we both
hate doing. His head is on my boobs, and
my arm is
on his back.
Bongani: I had no idea your boobs are so
comfortable.
I laugh.
Me: I mean, I’ve been told before...
Him: By who?
We both laugh.
Him: How many men have you been with?
Me: Three serious relationships.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Hmm?
Him: Limited experience, I see.
Me: Not really. They were long term
relationships. I don’t count all the random
men I’ve
encountered throughout my life.
He laughs loudly.
Him: Random men?
Me: Yep!
He settles down again.
Him: Are you taking a break from
relationships?
Me: Yep. The feelings are just too much.
Him: True.
Me: So how many relationships have you
been in?
Him: A lot.
Me: Of course.
He laughs.
Him: Am I sensing judgement?
Me: No, I just think it’s unfair how we
expect women to be clean and pure, but
men can do
whatever they want.
Him: Double standards.
I grunt.
Him: But women are slowly gaining their
own power. Sexual freedom is slowly
becoming an
individual thing.
Me: But we’re still getting judged for
loving sex.
Him: True.
He glances at me.
Him: But you seem confident.
Me: Ya. It’s my life after-all.
He nods and rests his head on my boobs
again. He shifts to the left boob.
Him: Oh but this left boob? Miraculous.
Me: You idiot.
We laugh and continue chatting about
relationships.
Him: I also don’t want a relationship. It’s
too taxing.
Me: At least we’re on the same page.
Him: Definitely.
Me: Imagine coming back from work,
tired as hell, and having to deal with
another human who
deserves your attention? Nope.
Relationships can miss me.
He chuckles.
Him: I’m sure the past few days were
taxing.
Me: Why?
Him: Because you were constantly
checking up on me.
I sigh.
Me: With you it’s different.
Him: How so?
Me: We’re friends.
He nods and closes his eyes.
Him: And this friend is about to sleep like
a baby because of this boob right here.
Me: You fool.
We continue chatting until both of us doze
off...
I’m glad he’s feeling better.
INSERT 10
It is now Sunday, and I am finally going
home to sleep. My night with Bongani was
productive
as always, but I really need to rest
because tomorrow I’m going back to
work.
Bongani is now driving me home.
Me: I’m glad you’re feeling slightly better.
Bongani: It must be the air...
Me: Hmm.
Him: You should get some rest.
Me: That’s my plan.
Him: I’ll see you again during the week,
right?
Me: Yep.
We continue chatting till we get to my
house.
Me: Argh my dad...
Why isn’t he at church though?
Him: I hope he’s not going to damage my
car.
Me: As soon as I get off, drive off, okay?
He laughs and I roll my eyes. He stops by
my gate.
Me: See you... Bye.
Him: Bye.
I get out of the car and he drives off, thank
God. My dad is sitting with one of his loyal
customers under the tent.
Me: Sanibonani.
Dad: You seem to love these Ubers of
yours. Aren’t they expensive?
I sigh loudly, relieved as hell that he’s not
questioning me.
Me: It’s affordable.
Dad: Hai I don’t see how paying R50 to go
around the corner is affordable.
Me: Well at least it’s safe.
Dad: That’s the only good thing about it.
Me: Let me get it in. See you.
He nods and I make my way inside the
house. I’m thankful that my mom is at
church because I
get some me time. I put on my pyjamas
and go to the lounge to watch some tv.
After an hour or
so, I get bored and go to my bedroom. I
take out my journal and chill for a while,
jotting down
my thoughts.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s the
worm.
Me: Hello?
Siya: Hey, unjani?
Me: I’m well, and you?
Him: I’m good.
He chuckles.
Him: I know you’re rolling your eyes.
Me: Mxm.
Him: Ukuphi?
Me: At home.
Him: Can I see you?
Me: I’m tired.
Him: Okay.
Me: Ukuphi?
Him: I’m around Soweto.
Me: So you decide to call me, because?
Him: Don’t be like this.
Me: Hai suka.
Him: Bye bye ke.
Me: Bye.
Him: I won’t take this attitude of yours
personally. It’s not about me, it’s about
you.
I laugh lightly.
Me: Mxm bye.
I end the call and continue writing in
peace...
***
It’s now Monday and I am on my way to
work. I’m so tired. Like, I don’t
understand why I have to
work. Can’t I just stay in bed forever?
Argh I know I’m going to have a bad day.
I get to work and go straight to my class. I
guess I’m going to start teaching today
because
Camille told me that I was ready.
The kids are playing outside while I am in
the classroom prepping my resources for
the day. I
have to redecorate this class because
right now, it’s not motivating me at all. I
know it is
October, and the year is about to end, but
I really hate dull classrooms.
Lwazi walks in and smiles.
Lwazi: Morning.
Me: Hey you.
We hug each other.
Me: I was busy sorting out some
resources.
Her: I’ll just do some introduction games
and get to know them.
We walk to the playground and the kids
run to hug us. Honestly, children are
amazing. They can
be from wealthy or poor backgrounds,
but they are still children, and they love
unconditionally.
Especially in primary school because they
haven’t been influenced by the world that
much.
Their strongest emotion at this age is
love, and teachers play an important role
in ensuring that
they continue to love everyone and
everything around them.
After 15 minutes, the bell rings and the
students line up to go to assembly. Lwazi
and I go with
our class...
Gosh I almost forgot about my work
dilemma.
I watch as Derek walks to the front and
does an attention grabbing signal. He
places his index
finger on his nose, and within seconds the
whole school is quiet, and everyone is
placing their
index fingers on their noses.
Derek: If you can hearme, clap once.
Everyone claps once.
Derek: If you can hear me, clap three
times.
Everyone claps three times.
He smiles warmly.
Derek: Good morning scholars.
Everyone: Good morning, Mr N!
Derek: And how are we feeling this
Monday morning?
Everyone: Marvellous and how are you?
Derek: I am motivated, thank you.
He proceeds to lead assembly.
I have decided not to entertain my
random and childish crush. This is my
workplace and I am
not about to jeopardize it because of some
stupid crush. I made a vow to myself at
the
beginning of this year that I will focus on
myself and not on men. I have been doing
well so far
and I am planning on accomplishing this
goal.
Derek: Now as you know, we have new
teachers, Ms Khoza will be teaching Grade
4 and 5
Maths, Ms Mbasa will be teaching Grade 3
Maths, and Ms Dlamini will be teaching
Grade 4 and
5 English.
He looks over at us and smiles.
Derek: I know you will treat them kindly
and help them when they are lost, right?
Everyone: Yes!
Derek: Excellent.
After 10 minutes we are done.
Derek: Have yourselves a Marvellous
Monday.
***
I must say that I am enjoying myself here.
Everyone is helpful and they take their
jobs seriously.
The passion for teaching is evident!
It’s 2:30pm and the kids are packing up
and getting ready to go home. Lwazi
walks in my class
and I can tell that she is annoyed.
Me: What’s up?
She walks to my desk and rolls her eyes.
Lwazi: That Lebo chick is driving me
crazy.
Me: Wenzeni manje?
Her: She’s so annoying.
Me: Don’t take it personally.
She sighs and walks out. I then tell my
babies to line up so we can go outside.
The day is finally over. The kids are gone,
others are playing sports, but they are not
my
responsibility anymore. I walk back to my
class and sort out my things. As I prepare
for the
following day, there’s a knock on my door.
Derek walks in.
Derek: Hello.
Me: Hi.
Him: How was your first day of teaching?
Me: It was good.
He nods lightly and looks around.
Him: You’re changing the classroom?
Me: Yes.
He nods again and then looks at me more
seriously.
Him: Are you sure you’re okay?
Me: Yes, I am.
I look at him emotionlessly, I think.
Him: Okay then. I will see you tomorrow.
Me: Okay. Bye.
He nods and walks out of the class.
I stand there and re-evaluate my life.
His cologne has filled this entire space.
Mxm.
I take my bag and decide to leave, so I can
get home early. I go to Lwazi’s class and
tell her that
I am going home.
Lwazi: I’ll see you tomorrow, friend.
Me: Shap.
We hug each other and I leave with Zama,
the IsiZulu teacher, who also stays in
Soweto. At
least I have a travel buddy now.
Zama: This walk won’t work once I’m 7
months pregnant.
Me: Wait! You’re pregnant?
Zama: Yes! I thought I was showing?
Me: No!
I look at her and I can’t see a thing. She
laughs sweetly and then rubs her belly.
Her: I’m pregnant, love. 4 months.
Me: Aww.
Her: My husband is beyond excited. The
only problem is that it’s not practical for
him to bring
and pick me up every day.
Me: That’s what he wants to do?
She nods.
Her: He doesn’t want us to use taxis.
She rubs her belly again and I smile.
Me: How sweet.
We continue chatting...
Overall it was a good day. Weird here and
there, but good...
INSERT 11
My first month here is done and dusted.
It’s Friday, and I am exhausted. I have
decided that this
weekend I am going to switch off my
phone and shut out the world, while I
work on regrouping
my mental state. Being tired makes me
grumpy and short-tempered. I don’t want
to be in such
state of mind because it really does affect
my interactions with people. I don’t want
my learners
to suffer because my mood fluctuations.
Therefore, this weekend will be used to
recuperate. I
have been such a bitch lately.
Lwazi left early because she had to go to
Pretoria to see her family.
I haven’t seen Bongani in three weeks.
I’ve been very busy and he also seems
busy. I’m honestly
okay with that. Although I think the
foundation of my grumpiness is lack of
sex.
I finish cleaning up my class and as I walk
out, I realise that everyone has left. Konje
it’s pay
day. Everyone is out drinking, and I kindly
declined all invitations. When I walk out, I
say
goodbye to the ladies who clean the
school, and I hear Derek saying goodbye
seconds later.
We end up walking out together.
Derek: I’m going to Joburg CBD. Would
you like a lift?
Me: No thanks.
Him: I’m not asking you to cut off one of
your limbs for me. I’m simply offering you
a lift.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Ziyanda, relax.
I grit my teeth.
Him: As you can see, the weather is
changing. Surely it will start raining in 10
minutes.
I look up and realise that he’s right.
Me: Okay.
We walk to his car and get in. He drives
off and I glance at him.
Derek: You okay?
Me: Ya.
Him: You’ve been very snappy.
Me: I’m tired.
Him: I am worried. Is your workload too
much?
Me: I’m just adjusting to everything.
Him: Is there anything Camille and I can
do to assist?
I keep quiet.
Him: The last thing we want is for you to
experience burnout.
Me: It’s not that extreme.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: Why do you like asking me that?
Him: What?
Me: “Are you sure?”
Him: Because I want you to be truthful. I
need to know how you are feeling, and I
need to ensure
that you feel cared for. It’s my job.
Me: You do that with all the teachers?
He nods.
Him: I don’t want any of you to feel
unsupported.
Me: How sweet.
Him: The sarcasm is unnecessary.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: This is why I feel like you’re not
being truthful. If you are so snappy with
me, it means the
kids are also receiving the same attitude. I
don’t want that.
I look down shamefully.
Him: They don’t deserve that.
Me: I’m sorry.
He glances at me and smiles lightly.
Him: I know you won’t be in a good mood
every day, but I need you to be honest
with me and
Camille, so we can support you. Maybe
you’re not used to such, but this is how
we do it here.
We care for our staff. Parents trust us
with those children so we have to give
them the best at
all times.
I keep quiet. He thinks he’s helping me,
but he has just made me feel 1000 times
guilty. I’ve let
go of myself. I’ve failed to take care of my
mental being.
By the time we get to the CBD, it is raining
cats and dogs.
Him: Do you mind if I get my lease
agreement first?
I look at him confused.
Him: I’m driving you home.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: But I’m choosing to.
I decide not to argue with him. I need this
lift anyway.
He drives to Maboneng, and I realize that
he is parking right next to the offices that
Siya is
renting.
Me: Are you investing in property?
Him: Yes, here in Maboneng.
Me: Oh.
Him: I am not comfortable with leaving
you here. Let’s go in. It will be quick.
Me: Uh I’m fine here. I don’t want to get
wet.
He looks at me and laughs softly.
Me: What?
He shakes his head as if he’s trying to
erase his thoughts.
Him: I’ll be back just now.
Me: Okay.
He gets out of the car and I take out my
phone and immediately dial Niki’s
number. She
answers.
Niki: Babe.
Me: I’m in Sexy Beast’s car.
She squeals in excitement.
Me: He’s just giving me a lift, you fool.
Her: Don’t be a bitch ke nawe. I know you!
Me: Mxm.
Her: Where is he now?
I chuckle.
Me: I’ll call you later...
Her: Shap.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and watch as Derek runs to
the car. He gets in and he is dripping wet.
I have to
keep a straight face at this point because
his shirt is all up in his skin, and his tight
arms are
just...
I clear my throat.
Derek: Shit. This rain is really intense.
He throws the black file- which I assume
has the lease agreement- at the back.
Me: Got what you need?
Him: Yes.
He starts the car and drives off.
Me: You really don’t have to drive all the
way to Soweto.
Him: I know.
He focuses on the road and I keep quiet.
Him: I’m really wet.
I look at him.
Me: Where do you live?
Him: I have a place here.
Me: Where?
Him: Maboneng.
I look at him, confused.
Me: Don’t you live in Randburg?
Him: I do. I also have a loft here.
Me: Oh okay.
Him: Maboneng is an investment pool.
Me: I can see...
He laughs to himself.
Two minutes later, we’re parking.
Him: Woza.
Me: I’m fine here.
He gives me a look, and I sigh. We get out
of the car and get in a lift.
As I walk in his loft, I’m amazed by this
place. Somehow they’ve infused elements
of shacks in a
modern way. Like, imikhukhu.
Me: Well this is interesting.
Him: Nice hey?
Me: Hmm.
I look around and he nods for me to
explore a bit. It’s weird, in a nice way. I
just can’t get over
how they used amazenke... White people
stay making money from our struggles...
He disappears for a long time and then
comes back, with fresh clothes.
Him: Sorry, I had to take a quick shower.
Me: It’s okay.
The rain even stopped.
I walk to the balcony. The view isn’t all
that great to be honest. All I see is the
shadiness of
Jozi... It’s obviously going to take a while
for this Jonathan guy to fully develop this
CBD area,
but he is doing a good job. I’m certain he
is filthy rich.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Yes.
We head out and get in the car. I
contemplate asking him to drop me off at
Bree, but I honestly
don’t want to. I’ve been relaxed for the
past 3 hours. I haven’t felt like this in a
damn month.
Angel of Mine by Monica starts playing
and I can’t help but laugh.
Me: Really?
Him: What?
Me: Angel of Mine? You listen to this?
I continue laughing and he joins.
Him: I love this song!
Me: How weird.
I sigh as I listen... It’s one of those
childhood songs that we wrote in our
“Lyrics Books” and I
haven’t heard in years. I smile as I
reminisce about my childhood days.
Him: I see you’re enjoying it.
Me: It holds good memories. I’m only
realising this now.
Him: This is one of my favourite songs.
Me: Hmkay.
I giggle and he smiles. I ignore that smile.
I ignore it and look out the window...
All these old school jams play and I keep
glancing at him, laughing quietly.
We eventually get to Soweto, and I
remember that he once took me home.
Me: You still remember where I live?
He nods and focuses on the road. We get
to my house, and I’m grateful that my
dad’s tent is
not up. It’s drizzling.
Me: Thank you.
Him: You’re welcome.
Silence.
Me: Uhm I guess I’ll see you on Monday.
Him: I guess so.
I take my bag from the back.
Me: Have a good weekend.
Him: You too and please get some rest.
Me: Okay.
He stares at me and I fidget
uncomfortably.
Him: It’s taking everything in me to stay
in my lane. I have been trying my best to
respect your
wishes.
I am flabbergasted.
Me: My wishes?
Him: You told me to leave you alone.
My heart rate starts doing the most.
Him: Right?
I nod absentmindedly.
We sit in silence for the longest time till I
finally gather up the strength to open the
door.
Me: Bye.
Him: Goodbye, Ms Dlamini. See you on
Monday.
I get out of the car and walk to the gate. I
get in the yard and don’t bother looking
back...
INSERT 12
It’s now Monday.
I spent the weekend in bed, because I
randomly got flu. My mom tried her best
to nurse me, but
two days weren’t enough. I needed an
extra week!
Anyway, I get to work and go straight to
my class to prepare my resources. My
throat and
sinuses are killing me the most, but I shall
be strong. I don’t miss work unless I’m
severely sick.
Lwazi calls and tells me that she is
running late because she’s stuck in traffic.
Zama knocks
and comes in my class.
Zama: Hello sthandwa.
Me: Hey, unjani?
We share a hug and she looks at me with
a frown on her face.
Zama: Are you okay?
Me: Flu.
She laughs and steps away from me.
Zama: These kids are disease sponges!
Damit!
We both laugh.
Me: I haven’t been taking my vitamins.
Zama: Then I don’t feel sorry for you.
I sigh and take one packet of Med Lemon.
Zama: Eish we have 10 minutes till
assembly. Let me prepare my class.
She rushes out of my class and I also walk
out and make my way to the staff kitchen.
I get a
mug and as I pour some hot water, I
immediately tense up.
Derek’s cologne has filled the space.
Derek: Good morning, Ms Dlamini.
Me: Morning.
He walks to where I am and looks at me
weirdly.
Him: You’re drinking coffee?
Me: Huh?
He looks at my mug.
Him: I thought you don’t like tea or coffee.
Me: Oh, no.
I show him a packet of Med Lemon.
Him: Are you sick?
Me: Yep.
I open the packet and pour the Med
Lemon. I then look at him.
Me: How do you know that I don’t like
coffee or tea?
Him: I’ve never seen you drinking hot
stuff. You’re always drinking water.
So he’s been observing me? I try to stop
myself from smiling, but it’s too late. I’m
smiling at
him, and he’s smiling back.
Him: You weren’t sick on Friday...
Me: I woke up feeling fluey on Saturday.
Him: Did you go out on Friday?
Me: Not at all.
Him: Do you have meds?
Me: Yes.
Him: Why did you come to work?
Me: I’m not dying, hey.
He chuckles and nods.
Him: Glad to know you’re dedicated.
Me: Hmm.
I stir my Med Lemon and take a sip.
Him: So I’m correct in assuming that you
dislike hot stuff?
Me: Yes. I don’t get the point of burning
my tongue.
Him: Your poor tongue...
Me: My poor tongue...
He chuckles and makes himself a cup of
coffee. Just then, the bell rings and he
looks at me.
Him: Have a good day. Try not to
overwork.
Me: I’ll see...
I walk out and go to my classroom. I will
miss assembly namhlanje, I’m not in the
mood.
***
It’s around 11am and I am teaching one of
my classes how to write a story.
Me: So what’s the first thing we do before
writing a story?
They all raise their hands.
Me: Rori.
Rori: We plan!
Me: Why is it important to plan?
They all raise their hands again.
Me: Yes, Amy.
Amy: Because we-
I shake my head and she knows that I am
disapproving the way she started her
sentence.
Amy: Planning is important because it is
the first step of the writing process. It
allows us to
have a good idea of what we are going to
write about.
Me: Excellent. Can someone remind me
what the writing process is?
They raise their hands.
Me: Yes, Lwande.
Lwande: The writing process consists of
different stages that we go through when
writing
stories, essays or any other pieces.
Me: Well done. What are these stages? I
am going to use the miracle bucket.
I take a small bucket that has all of their
names. I shake it and close my eyes as I
pick a name.
Me: Hmm Thembi.
Thembi, who is one of my shy students,
looks at me.
Me: What are the stages in the writing
process, dear?
Thembi: Uhm... We have prewriting...
I nod.
Me: And what is prewriting?
Thembi: Planning?
Me: Yes.
She smiles.
Thembi: And then w-
I shake my head.
Thembi: Sorry. Firstly, we have
Prewriting.
Me: Good.
Thembi: Secondly, we have Drafting.
I nod.
Thembi: Thirdly, we have Editing.
Me: Good.
Thembi: Next, we have Rewriting.
I nod.
Thembi: And lastly, we have Publishing.
Me: Well done! Let’s give Thembi a round
of applause of using academic language,
and full
sentences! Excellent!
Thembi smiles brightly as we clap for her.
I carry on teaching till lunchtime.
I am now sitting, checking my phone. As
sick and exhausted as I am, teaching
always fuels me.
There’s a knock on my door.
Me: Come in!
Rori, one of my secret favourites, walks in
with a brown paper bag.
Rori: Ms Dlamini.
Me: Yes, baby?
Rori: Mr N has asked me to give you this
paper bag.
I frown.
Me: Is it?
She walks to me and gives me the paper
bag.
Rori: Yes.
Me: Thank you, baby.
She smiles and then walks out, closing the
door. I put down my phone and look
through this
paper bag.
I smile as I take out all kinds of flu meds...
There’s everything you can think of...
I then find a note. I open it and it reads:
“Were you not taught in university that
multi-vitamins are a teacher’s best friend?
Please take
these meds religiously until you are
healed. We cannot afford to lose excellent
educators
because of a lousy illness. Please eat,
drink lots of water, and most importantly,
get well soon.
Regards, Derek.”
I read it a hundred times.
I finally stop smiling.
I take some of the meds and then go to the
kitchen to warm up my food. I hope to
bump into
him, but it seems like he is not even
around...
I walk back to my class and eat...
***
It’s now after school. Lwazi comes to my
class, with more meds.
Me: You’re so sweet!
Camille, my principal, even went as far as
getting me a “Flu Basket.” Apparently she
does that
every time someone gets sick. These
people are so kind, man. It’s beyond
heart-warming.
Lwazi: We all know how inconvenient flu
is when you’re trying to teach. Drug
yourself until
you’re better.
I didn’t even tell her about Derek’s brown
paper bag.
I think he will also remain my best kept
secret.
My secret crush.
Lwazi: Anyway, I have to go. My mom is
visiting me.
Me: Is it?
She nods and rolls her eyes.
Lwazi: I’m her last child, so I’m treated
like an egg.
Me: Cute.
Lwazi: Hai suka.
We share a hug and she leaves.
I begin to pack up, and Zama calls to tell
me she is waiting for me outside. I finish
up and walk
out...
I go to Camille office, but she has already
left. I then go to Derek’s office and knock.
Derek: Yes.
I open the door and walk in.
He looks up and raises his eyebrow, as if
he wasn’t expecting to see me.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Hi. How are you feeling?
Me: I am feeling much better; thanks to all
the meds I have received.
He puts down his pen and smiles.
Him: I’m glad.
Me: Thank you.
Him: You’re welcome, Ms Dlamini.
I smile.
Him: Like I said, we wouldn’t want to lose
a great educator because of a lousy
illness.
Me: We?
He raises an eyebrow again.
Me: You’re speaking for Camille as well?
Him: Well, if you haven’t realized, Camille
and I come as one.
Me: Hmm.
He laughs lightly.
Him: So you feel better?
Me: Yes, sir.
He nods.
Him: Are you leaving?
Me: Yes.
Him: You’re using taxis?
Me: Yes.
He frowns.
Me: Is there a problem?
Him: Are taxis not the cause of this lousy
illness?
Me: Hmm I doubt.
Him: Are you leaving by yourself?
Me: No, with Zama.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Goodbye. Once again, thank you.
Him: Sure.
Me: Bye.
Him: Bye.
I walk out and close the door. I then make
my way outside and find Zama waiting for
me.
Zama: Kunini!
Me: Sorry! I was tidying up my class.
We walk out and have our usual deep
conversations...
INSERT 13
The week is finally over. It’s Friday and I
have fully recovered from the flu.
I’ve been thinking about Bongani all day. I
haven’t seen him in over a month. I need
to see him
ASAP because I am slowly losing control
of myself. He needs to stabilize me once
again.
During lunch time, I call him and it takes
me straight to voicemail. I go to Whatsapp
and type a
message:
Me: “Hello there. Unjani? Are you
available this weekend?”
I close Whatsapp and get back to work.
But now I can’t focus because Bongani is
flooding my mind. I’m thinking about all
the things he
could be doing to me right now. I can’t
believe I haven’t seen him in such a long
time. I’ve been
so consumed by work... and my secret
crush...
Unfortunately, Derek will never sniff my
coochie. I doubt we’ll ever get to that
point...
Gosh now I’m thinking about Derek. I’ve
tried my best to avoid thinking about him
in this way,
but right now? I am extremely hot...
I wonder if he is good in bed. He looks like
he has a lot of experience, and would
break my
bones. Nxa, what if he has a girlfriend? Or
a regular “friend”, like I have Bongani?
I hear someone clearing their throat and I
immediately get back to my senses and
tense up.
Me: Uhm Derek?
I blink a couple of times and take a deep
breath, trying to erase my inappropriate
thoughts.
He is now looking at me weirdly. I can’t
seem to figure out the look, because I’m
out here trying
to be present.
I clear my throat and look at him, feeling
extremely uncomfortable.
Gosh he really is sexy. The way his shirt is
hugging his body, and his broad
shoulders... The
pants are tailored so perfectly and it’s
obvious that he has leg days, because he is
not shaped
like those lollipop-looking gym freaks that
have weird lower bodies...
He is perfect...
For me...
Why isn’t he mine?
I am disturbed once again by the clearing
of a throat. I snap out of it and realize that
I have
been staring at his groin area.
Can the Earth please swallow me?!
What the hell is wrong with me??
Did he notice??
Gosh I am not going to look him in the
eye.
Me: Uhm... How may I help you?
I am looking at him, but I am not looking
at him. I am definitely not within eye
contact right now.
Derek: Ziyanda, are you okay?
Me: Yes. How may I help you?
I realize that I am whispering. Why am I
suddenly so shy?
I clear my throat and finally gather up the
courage to look at him in the eye.
He is staring at me. Like, really staring. I
try to look away but now I feel
hypnotized. If he tells
me to run around naked, I will gladly
oblige. He’s hypnotic. Sexy, magnetic,
beast.
Me: Derek?
He is quiet for a couple of seconds, and
then he switches up and smiles, a very
mischievous
smile.
Derek: I came to tell you that I’m going to
Maboneng today.
I look at him, confused.
Me: I’m confused.
Him: I’ll take you home.
Me: Oh. You don-
He shakes his head and I keep quiet.
Him: Be ready as soon as school is out.
Me: Uhm b-
He walks out before I can even say
anything.
I sit there and try to process what just
happened. I’m baffled, to say the least.
Within 5 minutes, my kids are back and I
am forced to be normal.
***
It’s now 15:00 and I am packing up my
things. Zama had to leave immediately
after school
because she has to go somewhere. Lwazi
also left because she and her man are
going on a
baecation.
People are all busy, and I’m just chilling
here thinking about how much sleep I’m
going to get
this weekend. My life is boring and drama
free. Just perfect for me.
I finish packing and cleaning up, and then
I walk out. I honestly thought that if I do
things
slowly, Derek would leave without me,
but of course he is still here.
The school is now empty.
Derek: Ready?
Me: You didn’t really ask if I’m okay with
this.
Derek: You don’t want a lift?
Me: A decent thing to do is ask... What if I
have my own plans?
Derek: I apologize.
I sigh.
Me: It’s fine. Let’s go.
Him: Seriously, I apologize.
Me: It’s fine.
We walk out and he locks the school.
Me: So everyone has left?
He nods.
We’re now in the car and my phone rings.
Shit, it’s Bongani.
I clear my throat before answering. Derek
is focused on the road.
Me: Hello.
Bongani: Hey stranger.
Me: I’ve been trying to contact you.
Him: It’s been a busy month.
Me: Hmm.
Him: Are you okay? You sound reserved.
Me: Is it?
I clear my throat and he laughs.
Him: How have you been? I miss you.
Me: I miss you too.
I mistakenly glance at Derek and see him
tightening his jaw.
Me: I’m okay hey. Just busy.
Him: I’m in KZN...
My heart sinks. Here I was thinking I’m
going to spend the weekend sitting on
Bongani’s face,
and now he’s telling me that he is not
even in the province? Damit!
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay.
I can’t even hide the disappointment
anymore.
Wow my life really sucks right now, hey?
Bongani: I’ll be back next week.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: Ya I just came to check on my mom’s
house and shit.
Me: And?
Him: Everything is intact, thankfully.
Me: That’s good... And how are you?
Him: I’m okay, man... Surviving I guess.
My heart aches for him. I know he’s not
fine.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: I’ll be fine... Geesh I didn’t realise I
missed you so much. Hearing your voice
has made me
feel some type of way.
We both laugh.
Me: This is the longest we haven’t seen
each other... Weird...
Him: See you soon?
Me: Okay.
Him: Bye.
Me: Bye. I’ll call you again this weekend.
Him: Sure.
I end the call and immediately remember
that I am not alone.
I am in Derek’s car, with Derek next to
me. I immediately tense up.
I completely forgot about him for a sec...
I look at him and he is totally focused on
the road. I look out the window and keep
quiet.
***
We get to Maboneng and he parks at Pata
Pata.
Him: Come.
He gets out of the car and I sit there, not
moving. I know for a fact that he is not
talking to me.
He realizes that I am still in the car so he
opens the door and looks at me.
Me: Come? Am I your pet?
He takes a deep breath.
Him: I’m sorry. I’m just worried about this
property I’m trying to get.
I stare at him and his face softens.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: Fine.
Him: Please come with me?
Me: Where are we going?
Him: I just need something to eat. I’m
really starving.
Me: I’ll go to Bree... You don’t have to take
me home.
He looks at me seriously and I know that
he is disapproving.
Me: Hmkay...
I take my bag and get out of the car. We
walk to Pata Pata and get a table outside.
He places an order, while I ask for water.
He looks at me weirdly and I shrug.
Me: I’m full.
Him: Are you sure?
I nod and he nods.
We sit in silence, and I avoid his eyes
while he is staring at me coolly ngathi it
ain’t a thing.
Him: I asked my agent to meet me here
for five minutes. I hope you don’t mind.
I chuckle.
Me: Your property person?
He nods.
Me: Does he work at the offices we
stopped by that other time we were here?
Him: Yes.
He looks at me weirdly and I shake my
head lightly.
Me: What’s his name?
Him: Uhm... Siyabonga.
I chuckle again and nod.
Me: Thought as much...
Him: As you would say... I’m confused.
Me: He’s my ex.
He narrows his eyes and stares at me
ngathi he’s waiting for me to tell him I’m
joking.
We sit in silence for a long time.
He then takes his phone and keeps busy
while I drink my water peacefully.
He then clears his throat.
I think he has noticed that I zone out a lot,
and clearing his throat brings me back to
reality.
I look at him and he doesn’t say anything.
When his food comes, he tells the waiter
to make it take-away.
He seems restless now. All fidgety and
stuff.
Me: Are you okay?
He nods and stares at me. I stare back at
him and we just there staring at each
other until the
waiter comes back with his paper bag. He
then pays the bill and stands up.
Me: Uhm? Agent?
Him: Cancelled.
Me: Oh... Okay then...
I stand up, get my bag, and follow him to
the car. We get in and he drives off.
We drive in silence...
As we approach Soweto, he clears his
throat and I look at him.
Him: Are you doing this on purpose?
I frown in confusion.
He then focuses on the road again and he
exhales loudly...
Haike I am not about to question him.
I am already dealing with being sexually
frustrated. The last thing I need right now
is to play this
inference game...
I want to go home and sleep...
I’m tired of masturbating...
INSERT 14
It’s now Saturday, and I am cleaning the
house. My mom and dad are out doing
their own things
and I am left alone. Honestly, I love living
with my parents. I love how chilled they
are, and how
they trust me. I don’t have to explain
myself or convince them that I’m old...
In the afternoon, I get a call from Zama.
Me: Hey Zama.
Zama: Hey, love. Ukuphi?
Me: At home, what’s up?
Her: Listen, are you up for lunch?
Me: Eish I have plans yazi. I’m meeting up
with one of my previous learners.
Her: Really? Uyabhora yazi. I wanted to
cook for you.
Me: A decent thing to do is tell the person
a day before... Don’t just pop out of
nowhere.
We both laugh.
Me: How about tomorrow?
Her: I’ll call you later to confirm.
Me: Cool cool.
Her: Bye.
Me: Shap.
I end the call and take a bath.
***
Lwazi runs to me and squeezes me for
dear life.
Me: My baby!
She doesn’t let go of me. We stand there
for a long time until she lets go.
Me: Aww don’t cry!
I wipe her tears and she smiles.
Lwazi:I thought you forgot about me.
Me: What? I would never!
She blushes and hugs me again.
Me: How are you?
Lwazi: I’m not fine. I miss you!
Our Uber arrives and she forces me to sit
with her at the back. We get in and she
squeezes my
hand.
Lwazi: How is your new school?
I sigh.
Her: Is it bad?
Me: It’s bad because you’re not there with
me.
Her: Well that’s what you get for leaving
me!
I laugh and she rests her head on my arm.
Me: How’s school?
Her: Boring. Our new teacher is horrible!
She hates kids.
Me: Really?
Her: She is always screaming and I feel
like my ears have an infection. She’s too
much! Argh!
I laugh. I really missed this girl.
Me: She shouts at you guys?
Her: All the time! She dresses like a
granny too!
I continue laughing as she updates me on
what I have missed...
***
We’re now in the north, because she
mentioned that she wants to go to an
expensive place.
What Lwazi wants, Lwazi gets.
We get to a restaurant and place our
orders.
Lwazi: At least I know how to eat with a
fork and knife.
She giggles as she looks around in
fascination.
Me: I have a surprise for you, but I’ll show
you later.
Her: Yay!
She flashes a smile and I wink at her.
As we’re eating, I see Siya coming in with
some girl. He talks to the waiter and they
are led to
their table. This one will never change...
Thank God I’m done with him because he
put me
through the most.
Lwazi: I can’t wait to grow up. I want to
be just like you.
Argh this girl really has my heart. Maybe I
should adopt her? Her parents don’t even
care that
much about her.
Me: You’re going to be better than me.
The waiter eventually brings our food.
I watch as Siya walks to our table. He
stands by my chair and looks at me with a
grin on his
face.
Siya: Well, what do we have here?
Me: Hi.
Siya: Hello...
He then looks at Lwazi and glances at me.
Siya: Lwazi?
I nod and he smiles.
Lwazi: How do you know me?
Siya chuckles.
Siya: Ms Dlamini always talks about you.
Lwazi looks at me and smiles.
Siya: How are you?
Lwazi: I’m fantastic, and how are you?
Siya: I’m fantastic too.
He looks at me.
Siya: I get it now.
Me: Yep.
He is also caught up in Lwazi’s spell. The
girl’s aura is contagious. She’s loveable.
While we
were together, he never understood why I
was so attached to her, but it took a
simple
introduction for him to get it.
Lwazi: Are you mommy’s boyfriend?
Me: Lwazi!
She giggles and focuses on Siya, who
seems amused.
Siya: I’m not her boyfriend.
Lwazi: Hmm.
She looks at both of us and continues to
giggle.
Me: Siya, please leave. I can’t have this
forward girl getting the wrong
impression.
Siya: I saw you and thought I’d say hi, as
an old friend.
Lwazi: An old friend? You don’t look that
old.
Siya laughs and I am shocked when he sits
down and gets comfortable. I try to give
him the “go
away” look but he ignores me.
Me: Lwazi finish up.
Lwazi: A lady takes her time when she
eats...
She smiles innocently and continues
eating.
Siya: So I don’t look old?
Lwazi shakes her head.
Lwazi: You look youngish.
I roll my eyes.
Siya: Youngish?
I look over at Siya’s table and the girl is
busy on her phone.
I watch as they have a conversation, and I
decide to let them be. They seem to be
enjoying each
other’s company.
After about an hour, they brought our
dessert.
Lwazi: This is yummy!
I look at her and my heart skips a beat.
That’s it. Siya has to go, I need my time
with Lwazi.
Me: Siya.
Siya looks at me.
Him: ButI
give him a look and he sighs.
Him: Hmkay.
He looks at Lwazi and smiles.
Him: I have to go.
Lwazi: Ahh...
Siya really is a slick worm. He got this
little girl to love him in an hour... Damn
him.
Him: I’ll see you around.
Lwazi: You promise?
Heeh.
Him: Yes.
He stands up, and she also stands and
gives him a hug.
Haike.
He looks at me with a victorious smile and
I roll my eyes.
Me: Bye.
Him: No hug?
Me: No.
He chuckles and walks back to his table.
I stare at Lwazi and she giggles.
Lwazi: Can I have more dessert?
I give her mine and she digs in.
Me: Eat up!
She finishes and I pay the bill because I
have to get out of here. Siya really ruined
my afternoon
with his shady ass.
We walk to a Vodacom store and she
looks around, confused.
Me: Don’t you think it’s time you get a
phone?
Her eyes pop out and she squeals
excitedly.
We go on to select an appropriate phone
for her and I pay. I had to remind her that
she’s still a
child, and that the main purpose of this
phone is to contact me anytime,
anywhere... I trust her.
As we walk out, we bump into Derek.
You know, sometimes I am convinced that
the Devil is trying me. How did my life go
from
boring and peaceful, to this?
Derek is also out here looking at me all
confused.
Me: Yes, Derek, I also occasionally make it
to this side of the world.
He smiles and I smile back.
Him: What brings you this side?
Me: Spending the day with my baby.
He raises an eyebrow and looks down at
Lwazi. He seems surprised and confused.
Lwazi looks up at him, and squeezes my
hand. I look at her and realise that she is
nervous. I
have to keep myself from laughing. Lwazi,
Miss Know It All, is scared of someone?
Wow!
Me: I’ll see you on Monday.
Him: Uhm sure...
Lwazi and I walk out together and get in
our Uber. I decide not to ask her how she
feels about
Derek because I already know she doesn’t
like him.
She is now sleeping next to me, when my
phone rings and I answer without
checking the caller
id.
Me: Hello?
Person: Ziyanda, it’s me.
Me: Derek?
Derek: Yes.
Me: Oh.
I feel my insides churn.
Derek: When are you free?
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: When are you free?
Me: Uhm...
What’s happening?
Him: I would like us to meet.
Me: Uhm... I’m on my way home.
Him: Do you have any plans when you get
home?
Me: Uhm not really.
Him: Can I fetch you?
Me: Uhm sure...
Him: I’ll let you know when I’m on my
way.
Me: Uhm okay.
Him: Bye.
Me: Bye.
He ends the call and I just sit there, zoned
out.
INSERT 15
I drop off Lwazi and then make my way
home. I obviously need to take a bath and
freshen up a
bit. My parents are still not back and it’s
now around 4pm.
As I am getting dressed, I get a call from
Derek.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Hi, did you arrive safely at home?
Me: Yes.
Him: Good. I should be there in an hour or
so.
Me: May I ask why you want to meet?
Him: I’m driving, can’t speak.
Me: Oh.
Him: I’ll see you soon. Bye.
Me: Bye.
He ends the call and I finish getting
dressed.
I then call Niki and she doesn’t answer.
Damit I need to talk to someone about
this because I
honestly feel like I’m going crazy!
At around 17:30 he calls and tells me he is
outside. I get my bag, lockup and then
make my way
outside. I approach his car and he unlocks
it.
What does he want to talk about? I’m
nervous all of a sudden.
I get in the car and he sighs quietly.
Me: Hi.
Derek: Hey.
Me: So what’s up?
Him: I would like to eat first.
I find myself giggling.
Me: You love eating, don’t you?
He chuckles and starts the car.
Him: I really do. However, it seems like
you have a problem with seeing me eat in
peace.
Me: Wait, what?
Him: The first time I ate in your presence,
you were aggressive-
Me: Excuse me?
I look at him in shock.
Him: You sat there with your sunglasses,
and snapped at me. You made it seem like
I’m a
creepy guy.
I am stunned!
Him: Am I lying?
I don’t respond.
Him: And then the second time, you told
me your ex is my property agent. I don’t
really know
why you felt the need to tell me that.
He focuses on the road with a smirk on
his face while I’m looking at him, still
stunned.
Me: But...
Him: Come on now, Ms Dlamini. You
know we don’t start our sentences like
that.
Really? Is he really doing this right now? I
am still consumed by what he said first,
and now he’s
being a clown?
I’m suddenly annoyed.
He keeps quiet and drives on. After about
30 minutes, we’re walking to News Cafe,
Maponya
Mall. We sit inside and he places his
order. He looks at me, expecting me to
order food but I get
water.
The waiter walks off.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Ya.
Him: You’re offended by what I said?
Me: I wasn’t rude when I met up with you.
Him: Then I obviously misinterpreted
your actions. I apologize.
Me: So I think I was rude?
He sighs as if he is not in the mood to deal
with me. I recognize this sigh because I do
it every
time I have to deal with that one annoying
kid in class. Am I annoying him right now?
Why the
hell did he bring me here?
Him: Are you listening to me?
I snap out of my thoughts and stare at him
angrily. Why am I so snappy and
sensitive? I’m not
even on my period right now.
Him: Ziyanda?
I look at him blankly.
Him: I’m sorry for offending you.
I sigh.
Me: It’s fine.
He keeps quiet and stares at me intently.
Now I’m uncomfortable.
Me: Why are we here?
Him: Can I eat first?
I try not to roll my eyes.
After a while, his food comes and he eats.
Him: You are awfully quiet.
Me: Wouldn’t want to worsen my track
record.
He laughs and nods.
Him: Okay...
I watch him eat and eventually ask the
waiter for a cocktail. I think a bit of
alcohol will calm me
down because my emotions are running
high.
He smiles as my drink is brought to me.
Me: Thanks.
I take a sip and he continues to stare at
me.
Me: I need the bathroom. Please excuse
me.
Him: Sure.
I stand up and go to the bathroom. I finish
peeing and stand there for 5 minutes and
try to keep
my composure (which I feel like I’m
losing). I wash and dry my hands, and as I
open the door,
Derek walks through the main bathroom
entrance. I’m not sure if I want to go back
to the ladies
bathroom or what...
He walks towards me and just as I think
that he is going to enter the men’s
bathroom, he walks
to me and I freeze.
Me: Derek, what’s the problem?
Him: You.
Suddenly, my anger has faded. I’m back to
being nervous and uncomfortable.
Me: I’m the problem?
Him: Yes.
I look at him in confusion.
Him: I don’t want to stay away from you.
Before I can even process what has
happened, his arms are around me and I
am pressed
against the wall. Suddenly this little
passage seems too small, but I don’t mind.
Me: You’re my boss.
Him: I know.
I groan as I inhale his cologne and my
senses open up to him. My rationality is
on 40% at this
point and I’m afraid that it keeps
decreasing bit by bit.
I was about to say something when the
entrance door opened and some guy
walked in.
He looks at us and laughs.
Guy: I would leave you guys but I’m
pressed as fuck and I need to pee.
Derek lets go of me and we move out of
the way. The guy gets in the guys’
bathroom and Derek
walks out. I contemplate following him
but I need a few minutes to break out of
his spell. I walk
back to the ladies bathroom and go
straight to a basin to sprinkle my face
with some cold
water. I stand there for a few minutes
until I feel a bit stable. I walk out, and
make my way to the
table. When I get there, Derek is standing
up, paying the bill.
Me: What’s happening?
Derek: We’re leaving.
Me: Siyaphi?
He ignores me and finishes paying the bill.
He then takes my bag and gives it to me. I
reluctantly take it and I follow him out of
the place.
Honestly, I’m just trying to suppress all of
my feelings right now. I’m not trying to be
found dead
in a parking lot. What will my parents be
told? That I was killed by a damn sexy
beast? I think
not.
We get in the car and he glances at me
before he starts it.
Him: I am not taking you home. Are you
okay with that?
I just...I...
I must have said yes, because he is now
driving the opposite direction.
Dear Universe, I do not know what awaits
me, but please give me the strength and
stamina,
because I am ready to tear shit up.
INSERT 16
We get to his loft in Maboneng.
How am I feeling? Numb, perhaps?
He leads me to the lounge and I sit down
on the long couch.
Derek: Would you like something to
drink?
I’m quiet for a few seconds, trying to
make up my mind.
Me: Wine?
He smiles lightly and nods.
Derek: Red of white?
I’m feeling very hot right now so white
wine will do.
Me: White, please.
He nods and walks to the kitchen. I sit
there, staring at nothing. I’m very
uncomfortable right
now. What the hell am I doing here? This
man is my boss! What am I expecting?
Sex? What
happens afterwards?
He comes back with my glass of wine, and
then sits next to me. He gives me the
glass.
Me: Thank you.
He nods and I take a sip.
Lord, I can’t deal with this awkwardness.
Maybe I should just down this wine so I
end up tipsy.
I look over at him and he is so chilled.
Like, he is relaxed. I’m out here feeling
like a little school
girl, while he’s so relaxed.
Why doesn’t he switch on the TV? Is he
enjoying all this awkwardness? I look at
him again and I
see him smiling. He is actually enjoying
this.
Out of nowhere, he swiftly stands and I
see him moving around. Before, I know it;
he takes a
stool and places it right opposite me, and
sits. He drags it closer till my legs are
between his. I
realize that I had stopped breathing. I
exhale quietly and look at him, trying by
all means to
remain calm.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Yes, Ziyanda?
Me: Did you know that I was going to
work at that specific school?
He raises an eyebrow. I’m sure he didn’t
expect me to ask him that question.
Me: Did you?
Him: No. I was just as shocked as you
were.
Me: Hmm.
Him: Hmm?
Me: Hmm.
He laughs quietly.
Me: So why exactly are you sitting here?
Is there a problem with this space on the
couch?
This wine is really doing the damn thing. I
love it.
Him: I’d rather look at you from this
angle.
I try to say something but words fail me. I
take a sip of my wine and stare at him
with
embarrassment.
Him: If that random guy didn’t walk in
earlier, I don’t know what I would have
done to you.
Yhuuu I take another sip and keep my
mouth shut. My insides are beyond
agitated.
Just then, his phone rings and he gets up
and walks to it. I sigh loudly as he
answers it from a
distance.
Okay, I have to leave this place. I cannot
deal with all of this right now!
He walks back with a grin on his face.
Him: My dad and brother are coming up.
Me: What??
I stand up and stare at him in shock.
He laughs.
Him: Calm down. They’re not monsters.
Me: Really, Derek?
I am now annoyed. Clearly the universe is
punishing me for being so forward. I
should have
stayed at home.
I put the glass on the table, and get my
bag.
Me: I will see you on Monday. I don’t
know what the fuck is going on here, but I
am ending it. I
can’t deal with this shit.
He walks to me and blocks my way with
his arm. He then wraps it around me and
pulls me
closer till our bodies are pressed against
each other.
Him: Calm down. No one’s going to bite
you.
I groan in pain. I am in pain. I am in
serious pain. This man hurts me yazi. I
don’t know what he
is doing to me. Do I also make him feel
this way? He is so calm and relaxed, while
I’m just a hot
mess.
Me: I don’t want to meet your family.
Him: Well, now I am offended.
Me: I don’t mean it in an offensive
manner.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Stop stealing my lingo, Ngidi.
He laughs for a couple of seconds and
then leans closer to my face. I honestly
have no idea
what happened... I just know that I died
and came back to life when I heard a
knock on the door.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I snap out of it and he smiles playfully.
Him: They’re here.
I exhale.
Me: Can I sneak out?
He laughs and shakes his head.
Him: You’re not going anywhere.
He plants a kiss on my forehead and let go
of me. He then walks to the door, while I
stand there,
frozen. I touch my lips and try to recall
the kiss but I don’t remember anything.
Did I really zone
out at such a crucial moment in my life?
Out of nowhere, I am hearing voices and
laughter.
Gosh I need to gather myself. I can’t have
Derek’s father and brother thinking I’m
an idiot.
I take a deep breath and smile as they
approach the lounge.
The older man, who is obviously the dad,
looks at me weirdly, but eventually
smiles. He then
looks at Derek and smiles.
Derek: This is Ziyanda Dlamini, whom I
work with...
Derek says that with a sly smile. I have
concluded that he is a playful person...
Derek: Ziyanda, this is my father, Derek
Senior.
I have to stop myself from laughing. How
corny.
Me: Hi, Mr Ngidi.
Senior: Hi, dear. How are you?
Me: I am well, thank you. How are you?
Senior looks at Junior with the same sly
smile and then looks back at me.
Senior: I am well, too.
Derek: And this is my brother, Xolani...
Xolani, Ziyanda...
I look at Xolani and smile. He is clearly
fashionable.
Xolani smiles kindly and walks to me.
Xolani: Hey babe. Nice to meet you!
Oh... I see what kinda party this is.
He hugs me and I inhale his lovely
cologne.
Me: Nice to meet you, too.
He let go of me and then stares at me.
Him: You’re beautiful.
Me: Thank you.
Senior: So you two work together?
Derek: Yes.
Senior walks to the couch and sits down.
Senior: Are you leaving, dear?
I remember that I am still holding my bag.
Xolani: Uyaphi? Don’t let our presence
interrupt you. We are just popping by to
check on this
scarce brother of mine.
I don’t respond. Instead, I check the time
and it’s now 8pm.
Xolani makes me sit down and he glances
at the unfinished wine on the table. He
looks at me
disapprovingly and I bite my bottom lip.
Xolani: We don’t waste alcohol.
They all stare at me and I glance at Derek.
I am beyond uncomfortable. So am I
supposed to
take the glass and gobble it down? Then
they’ll call me an alcoholic? Nope.
Senior: How old are you, Ziyanda?
Me: 25.
He nods and then looks at Derek.
Senior: Well, now that we know you’re
alive, we will leave you in peace.
Derek: I’ve been busy.
Senior: You know we don’t allow work to
consume our lives to such an extent.
Xolani: Tell him.
Derek rolls his eyes and I chuckle to
myself.
Derek: I’ll do better.
Senior: Good. Xolani and I are going out
for dinner. Will we see you tomorrow?
Derek: Yes, I’ll be there.
Senior then turns to look at me.
Senior: You can bring Ziyanda, if she
doesn’t mind.
How did I get brought into all of this?
Derek: Let’s take it down a notch, dad.
Thanks for the visit.
Xolani then looks at me.
Xolani: We’re having a fundraising brunch
for an orphanage our family has been
connected
with. Would you like to come?
Me: Uhm...
Now all three of them are staring at me.
How do I say no to such a charitable
thing? Would they
think I’m an evil person?
Me: Sure.
Xolani: I know you’ll come with Derek.
However, you can bring an extra person.
Even though it is
an exclusive event, we could use a few
more rands.
Niki.
The bitch will come whether she likes it
or not.
Me: I’ll come. Thank you for the invite.
Xolani smiles sweetly and nods.
Senior: Well there we have it then. We
will see you both tomorrow.
Derek: Sure.
Senior and Xolani stand up and hug me.
Senior: It was lovely meeting you, young
lady.
Me: Likewise, sir.
Xolani: Bye, love. See you tomorrow. The
dress code is strictly classy...
He looks at me from head to toe.
Xolani: I trust that you will do the damn
thing.
Hehe.
Me: I will try to surpass your
expectations.
He hugs me again.
They say their goodbyes and Derek walks
them out. I throw myself on the couch,
reach for my
wine, and then gobble it all up and sigh in
defeat.
How in the world did I end up here?
INSERT 17
Derek walks back in.
Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Him: Sure.
I stand up and walk to the bathroom. As I
get in, I’m not surprised when I see
everything
exceedingly organised. He does give me
OCD vibes. I finish peeing and then stare
at myself in
the mirror.
Me: What the hell are you doing here,
Ziyanda?
My reflection stares back at me.
Me: Damn fool.
I moisturize my lips and walk out, closing
the door behind me. I then walk to the
lounge and
realize that he is at the balcony. I check
the time and it is now 9pm. I’m sure my
mom and dad
are a bit worried because I didn’t tell
them I’d be out. I get my phone and see
that I got their
missed calls. I dial my mom’s number and
she answers.
Mom: Haibo sisi no sms, no phone call?
Me: I thought I’d be back my now. Sorry
sthandwa.
Mom: Who are you with? Niki?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Alright then. You have your keys
angithi?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Bye then.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and sigh. So what now?
What happens?
I walk to the balcony and find him
standing there.
Me: Nice view.
Of course I was referring to him, but the
Joburg view wasn’t that bad.
He turns, looks at me intently and smiles.
Him: Nice view indeed.
I walk towards him and we stand next to
each other, looking at Joburg the view.
Me: How often are you this side?
Him: A couple of times a week.
I keep quiet. I am suddenly so calm. He’s
not making me nervous or uncomfortable.
It’s
probably because we’re outside and the
fresh breeze is keeping me steady.
Me: I have to go...
He looks at me sharply.
Me: What?
Him: Please don’t.
I am dumbfounded.
He sighs and focuses on the view. We
stand there for a long time in silence...
Eventually he
takes my hand and makes me face him.
Him: Are you staying?
Me: Okay.
Him: Wait, are you serious?
I nod.
He smiles like a little kid and for once, I
am reminded that I also have control
here. This man
has been driving me crazy for so long that
I lost myself for a while.
Him: Great.
My stomach grumbles and I frown.
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing.
He stares at me disapprovingly and I
groan.
Me: I’m hungry.
Him: So what was your plan?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Him: Were you going to pretend you’re
not hungry?
Me: I only realised now.
He narrows his eyes and shakes his head.
Him: Why do I get the feeling that you
don’t like eating in front of me?
Me: No, I’m always full when I’m with you.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: You think I’m self-conscious?
He doesn’t respond so I laugh quietly.
Me: I may be a lot of things, Ngidi, but
self-conscious is most definitely not one
of them.
He grins.
Him: Perfect. Then let’s go eat.
I nod and we walk inside. I get my bag and
wait for him to get whatever he needs. We
then walk
out and make our way to the lift. He
places his arm on my shoulders and pulls
me closer.
Him: Still okay?
Me: Yes.
I’m lying. He really does have an effect on
me and I can’t seem to control myself.
Him: I’m not.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: You.
The lift stops and he lets go of me, and
walks out. I follow him and try my best to
stay cool.
Him: I don’t see the use of driving. We’re
close to everything.
I nod and don’t say anything. We walk out
of the building...
Him: I hope you’re not too overwhelmed
by my dad and brother.
Me: Not really.
Lies!
Him: My brother tends to be invasive.
Me: He’s not that bad.
Him: Hmm.
He reaches for my hand and squeezes it. I
think he’s going to let go, but he doesn’t.
Weirdly
enough, that calms me.
Him: I don’t feel like being around a lot of
people.
Me: Likewise.
Him: Then let’s go to The Cosmopolitan.
I have never been there. I nod and we
continue walking. When we get there, he
tells them that
we didn’t make a reservation but they
agreed because the place was practically
empty. We get
a table and look through the menu.
Him: What do you enjoy eating?
Me: Honestly?
He nods.
Me: I’m obsessed with burgers.
Him: Just burgers?
Me: Yes.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Hmm?
He laughs.
We place our orders and they bring us a
bottle of wine.
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s Niki. I
look at Derek.
Me: I have to take this. Please excuse me?
Him: Sure.
I stand and walk out of the place as I
answer.
Me: Niki!
Niki: Hey boo!
Me: I have beeen trying to call you!
Her: Kanti yini?
I quickly tell her what has happened and
she screams.
Niki: Whaat?!
Me: Dude!
Niki: I’m actually at Shakers right now.
Me: Niki, I have to see you! For my own
sanity!
She laughs.
Niki: Just find a way to come this side.
Me: No, Niki. He says he’s not in the mood
for people. You must come here! You’re
literally
across the road!
She laughs.
Niki: Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.
Me: Shap.
Her: Does this guy know how crazy you
are? Has he seen the other side of you?
Me: Bye!
She laughs as I end the call. I don’t need
her negativity right now.
I walk back inside and find him busy with
his phone.
Me: Sorry about that.
He puts down his phone.
Him: No problem.
Me: That was my friend, Niki. She’s going
to come see me shortly.
He looks at me confused.
Me: I haven’t seen her in a while, and she
told me she’s in Maboneng.
Him: Okay.
He pours me a glass of wine and I take a
sip.
Him: Do you like wine?
I nod.
Him: Anything specific?
Me: Chardonnay.
He nods.
Me: So why do you keep saying I’m a
problem?
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s Niki
again.
Me: Sorry.
He nods and I answer.
Me: Niki?
Niki: Friend, I can’t come. I’m not on my
way to Melville.
Me: Wow.
She laughs.
Niki: This life chose me!
Me: I’ll call you later.
Her: Okay boo. Please use a condom!
Me: Wow!
Her: Love you, bye!
She hangs up and I roll my eyes.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yes. Turns out, she’s won’t be coming.
I look at him and realise that he is hiding a
smile.
I put my phone away and drink some
wine.
Him: You were saying?
Me: You keep saying I’m a problem.
Him: You are, to me.
Me: How so?
Him: Like I stated before, I can’t stay away
from you.
I try to keep a straight face but I fail
dismally. I’m now blushing. At least I’m
not the only one
who is going crazy here.
Him: However, I feel like I’m bothering
you.
Me: Huh?
Him: You’re always cold.
Me: I am?
Really? So this man hasn’t been seeing the
effect he has on me? Does my body
language tell a
different story? Thank the Universe! I
don’t want him thinking he has a hectic
effect on me.
He clears his throat and I snap out of it.
Him: Like now, for example. I can’t seem
to read your mood.
Me: Oh.
Him: So I’m going to have to rely on you
to tell me what exactly is going through
your mind.
My mind drifts back to when Siya and I
always argued about my weird ways of
communicating
my thoughts and feeling.
Me: It’s not like you do the same.
Him: Is it not obvious that I’m crazy about
you?
Oh my goodness! I take another sip of my
wine.
Him: I’ve felt this way ever since I met
you, but obviously things are a bit intense
because I work
closely with you.
I bite bottom lip because I have nothing to
say.
We stare at each other for a while.
Me: We work together. You’re my boss.
Him: Stop calling me your boss. You make
it sound like I’m a tyrant.
Me: Well...
Him: What?
He looks at me shocked and I laugh.
Me: You have your moments...
Him: I am highly offended!
I continue to laugh and he smiles.
Me: Don’t be weird.
Him: Weird?
Me: Yes. That specific smile of yours
makes me feel awkward.
Him: So I make you feel awkward?
Me: Mostly.
Him: Well that’s not desirable.
I giggle and he smiles again.
Me: See? There’s the weird smile.
Him: Or you mean this one? I’m afraid I
can’t help myself... You’re the cause of it.
I keep quiet.
Him: We’ll refer to it as a Ziyanda
symptom.
Me: Oh wow. I’m a whole sickness now?
Him: More like a plague, outbreak, or
epidemic.
Me: Derek!
He laughs and our food eventually comes.
Him: So how is your daughter?
I look at him in confusion.
Me: Daughter?
Him: Today you mentioned that that little
girl is your baby.
Me: Oh, Lwazi?
I giggle.
Me: She’s not my biological child.
Now he is the confused one.
Me: I used to teach her.
I had to stop myself from laughing when I
saw the relief on his face.
Me: Would you be affected if she was
really my child?
Him: Not at all. You just don’t strike me as
a person who has a child.
Me: Wow. Because?
Him: It’s not meant to be an insult.
Me: Hmm.
We both focus on our food.
Him: I hope I didn’t offend you.
Me: Just a little.
Him: I apologise.
I nod.
Him: How’s the chicken?
Me: It’s good. Would you like to taste?
He frowns and I sigh. Everyone in my life
has mentioned this bad habit of mine. I
can’t focus on
my plate of food only... I just feel like, if
we’re having separate meals (whether
they’re the same
or different) we should taste each other’s
meals. Isn’t that an act of kindness?
I push my plate closer to him and
encourage him to taste. I then look at his
plate expectantly
and he pushes it closer to me. I cut some
of his lamb and taste it, while he does the
same with
my chicken.
Him: Not bad.
Me: Do you like cooking?
Him: I was probably a chef in my past life.
Me: Oh wow. That deep, huh?
Him: Yep. What about you?
Me: I can’t cook.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Hmm?
Him: I’ll teach you...
Me: Hmm...
Him: Hmm indeed...
On that note, I focused on my plate...
INSERT 18
We’re now making our way back to his
place. I must say, I’ve learnt a few things
about him
today:
1. He is playful.
2. He hates being around a lot of people.
3. He enjoys travelling.
4. He studied Accounting, but ended up in
the education sector.
At least I wasn’t a nervous wreck
anymore. Yes, there were moments where
I felt like I was a
little school girl, but overall it was a nice
dinner.
We get to his loft, and he rushes to the
bathroom. I check my phone and I’m glad
to find no
missed calls or messages. I sit on the
couch and switch on the TV. I go to Vuzu
Amp and sure
enough, they’re playing ratchet reality
shows. I get lost in the ratchetness, that I
don’t even
realise that Derek is sitting next to me.
Derek: How do you even watch such?
Me: Shh.
He raises his hands in defeat and keeps
quiet while I focus on Kenya Moore’s
shade in
RHOATL. The show ends after a while and
I sigh.
Me: I don’t think I can wait for the next
episode.
He gives me a weird look.
Him: Go ahead...
I take the remote and go to my usual
online series site. I get the episode and
watch it while he
is busy with his phone.
Him: Xolani is busy bothering me.
I pause the episode and look at him.
Him: Sorry, don’t mind me.
He chuckles as I continue playing the
episode... After a while, I’m done.
Him: You enjoy watching other people’s
lives?
Me: Yes, actually. Mine is very quiet, so
these women’s lives entertain me.
Him: Your life is peaceful?
Me: Yes.
Him: I guess we have something in
common.
Me: Probably the only thing.
Him: Well aren’t you feisty.
I look away shyly and realise that I may
be tipsy.
Me: Sorry.
Him: You think we don’t have anything in
common?
I keep quiet and focus on the TV.
Him: Yabona ke? Why am I being ignored?
Me: Sorry.
I honestly don’t like the way this man
makes me feel. I just fail to understand
when things
changed. I didn’t want anything to do with
him at first, but now I’m affected by the
sight of him,
his touch, and whatever he says. How did
I get to this point? I hate myself for this.
This was
never part of my plan, man.
I feel him pull me closer to him until half
of my body is on him.
Him: Talk to me.
Me: Derek, as much as we’re making each
other blush and all that other rosy stuff,
we still have
to deal with the fact that we work
together.
Him: Wait, so you like me?
Me: Really?
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Him: Then I’ll quit. Will that make you feel
better?
I roll my eyes again and he presses me
against him. I let out a groan and rest my
head on his
neck. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve
lost control of my body. I am horny.
We don’t say anything for the longest
time. I don’t know, I must have dozed off,
because I hear
him saying my name softly in my ear.
Derek: Dlamini.
Me: Hmm.
He nudges me lightly and I groan.
Him: Let’s go to bed.
I open my eyes and look at him sleepily.
Me: I fell asleep?
Him: Yes.
Me: Manje why don’t you pick me up? Is it
because I’m fat?
He looks at me in shock and I laugh
sleepily as I stand up.
Me: I’m just kidding. Don’t get your
panties in a knot.
I walk to the bedroom and take off my
shoes and cardigan. Thank God I’m
wearing leggings and
a lose top, so I’ll sleep comfortably. I take
off my bra as well and get in bed. At this
point, I’m
not worried about Derek. My sleep is
more important.
I didn’t even hear him come in, but I now
feel him besides me. He pulls me closer
and I rest my
head on his chest.
***
When I wake up the next morning, I am
greeted by the worst headache on Earth. I
blink a couple
of times, confused as hell. Where am I?
I remember everything.
Shit.
I rub my eyes in frustration. I get out of
bed and look around. Where is this man?
Did I really
pass out like that?
I begin making the bed. I’m going to get an
Uber and go home. I don’t even want a lift
from him.
Argh konje there’s that charity event I
agreed to? I’ll just pretend that I’m sick.
I finish making the bed and then look
around for my things. I spot them on the
chair and go get
them. As I am about to go to the
bathroom, Derek walks in.
Derek: Good morning, Dlamini.
Me: Morning, Ngidi.
Him: Unjani?
Me: I’m okay.
Him: You can take a shower. I have
prepared toiletries for you.
Me: Thank you.
I walk to the bathroom and take a
shower...
***
I walk to the lounge, feeling a bit better. I
find him cleaning up the kitchen.
Me: Hey.
Him: Hey.
Me: Uhm, I’ll get going.
Him: I made you breakfast.
Me: Oh.
My stomach grumbles and I rub it.
Him: Sit.
I do as I am told, and wait as he dishes up
for me.
He comes with my plate and then gives it
to me.
Me: Thank you.
It’s filled with bacon, and my heart is just
happy. I smile as I eat happily.
Me: Aren’t you eating?
Him: I don’t really enjoy my cooking.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Me: I do.
I look at him.
Me: Are you blushing, Mr N?
He smiles.
Me: Love the bacon.
He takes my plate and I protest.
Him: Relax.
He comes back with more bacon and I
smile. I eat up and sigh happily.
Me: Thank you!
Him: You’re welcome.
He takes my plate and walks to the
kitchen. I follow him and look around.
Me: I was about to offer to wash the
dishes, but I see you’ve got that covered.
Him: I hate untidy spaces.
Me: I see...
He finishes up and then looks at me.
Him: I have to go and help Xolani with
something...
Me: It’s fine, I’ll get a taxi.
He looks at me with a weird expression.
Me: What?
Him: I’ll get you an Uber.
Me: Really unnecessary.
He ignores me and walks away.
Me: Haike.
I get my bag and he comes back a while
later.
Him: What’s your physical address?
I tell him and he nods. After about 5
minutes he tells me that it’s here.
Him: Come here for a sec.
I walk to him and he wraps his arms
around me. My whole body tenses up. I
thought I got over
this vibe, but I haven’t.
Him: Are you coming to the fundraising
brunch?
I sigh and he looks at me questioningly.
Me: Uhm... I’ll come.
He leans closer to me and I feel his lips
touching me. I hold on to him for balance
because I
think I’m going to crumble. I can’t believe
we’re kissing right now, this instant, and I
am present.
His tongue leads me and I follow freely... I
let out a moan as I feel my whole body go
light.
Everything about this kiss is perfect.
I hear his phone ring, but I zone it out. I
don’t want to stop kissing. I want more.
I wrap my arms around his neck and he
holds me firmly.
The phone rings once again, but now it’s a
distant sound.
Honestly, this is the moment. I’m not
going anywhere until I release all these
crazy emotions. I
need to be sane, and this man that’s been
driving me insane is the only solution.
INSERT 19
We’re now in the bedroom, and our
clothes are all over the place. To be
honest, I don’t want to
be held tenderly right now. I want it
rough and thoroughly. It seems like we’re
both on the same
page because he is also giving me an
animalistic vibe right now. He stops
kissing me, and I
open my eyes to find him staring at me
with an unfamiliar look. I’m too hyped up
to even
analyse his actions right now.
He spreads my legs apart and I wince. My
whole body is already vibrating. I feel his
tongue slid
inside and I shift. I could burst any
moment, that’s how bad this situation is.
He comes to my
face and smashes his tongue in my mouth.
It’s all slimy from my juices. I feel him
smile as he
stops the kiss. I don’t want him to stop,
and he sees that, so he kisses me again. I
feel his hand
slide down, and a finger slide inside. I let
out a moan and he stops kissing me.
Me: Derek, I need you. Please!
I am close to tears at this point. I have
never craved someone and something as
much as I am
right now.
Derek: I need you too.
I wiggle under him and wince loudly.
Me: Please...
He shifts and reaches for something. A
condom. Yes, that’s good. I’m glad he’s
still rational
because I could accept a million
pregnancies right now.
I reposition, so that I’m comfortable.
Him: You okay?
I nod and close my eyes.
The second I feel him slide inside, I swear
I lose it. My whole body tenses up. It’s in
complete
shock. I flinch and he freezes.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: You’re big.
He laughs.
Him: Am I supposed to apologize?
He moves a bit and I wince again.
Him: I’ll take it slow.
I nod and shut my eyes. He begins to
move and I bite my bottom lip. At first it’s
painful, but
within a minute, it’s a pleasurable pain.
Me: Ah...
He moans as well, and within seconds the
desperation is back on. He quickens his
pace and I
pant like a hungry lion. I just want to cum,
so I can come back to my senses. I don’t
like that this
man has this kind of effect on me.
I feel his lips on mine.
Him: Zi. Look at me.
This damn sexy soul snatcher.
I open my eyes and find him staring at me
like a hungry beast. Surely this
combination is not
good?
He grinds harder and I move to his pace.
He pounds me more intensely and I let
out a moan.
Me: I’m about to cum.
He pounds even harder and I tighten my
grip on him. I hold onto him for dear life.
Him: Let go...
I roll my neck and feel that thrust... That
thrust that led me to the Great Wall of
China. I let out a
cry and get lost for a while. He continues
pounding me and within seconds, he also
cums. He
lets out a loud grunt and presses himself
on me.
I lay there, feeling like I am in another
world.
I want more.
Now that’s we’ve gotten over the first
intense round, I want more of him. I want
to be more
present this time around.
***
As I walk inside the yard, I feel like a
different person.
Like, my whole perspective on life has
changed.
I am a changed woman.
I have just been given thee best orgasms
ever. I don’t usually compare my sexual
experiences,
but come on now, Derek? Geesh!
I say hi to my dad and tell him that I have
to be somewhere in 2 hours. He nods and
dismisses
me. I then walk in and am grateful that my
mom is at church. I go to the bathroom
and fill the
tub with water. I then go to my bedroom
to call Niki. She doesn’t answer. Argh I’m
so annoyed. I
really wanted her to come with me to this
brunch but she’s probably out living her
best life.
As I’m in the bath, my phone rings and it’s
Bongani.
Oh wow...
How could I possibly forget about him?
I sigh and answer.
Me: Hey you.
Bongani: How are you?
Me: Ngi-right. Wena?
Him: I’m good...
Me: Ubuya nini kanti?
Him: During the week... I’ll let you know
when I’m that side.
Me: Alright then...
Him: Shap ke.
Me: Bye.
Him: Bye.
I end the call.
I don’t even feel guilty. Bongani is not my
boyfriend. However, I do have to think
about this new
phase in my life... I’ll use this week to
think things through...
I finish getting dressed and I must say
Xolani would be proud. Lol as I was
picking an outfit, I
just kept thinking to myself, “What would
Xolani say?”
I look at myself in the mirror and twerk
just a little bit.
I get my makeup done and set my weave
free, honey.
I check my phone, and I got a text from
Derek.
Derek: Your Uber should be there in 10
minutes.
I finish up and make my way outside.
Dad: Heeeeh!
I laugh.
Him: This breakfast lunch of yours must
be top notch.
I laugh.
Him: You must come back with a
husband.
Me: Haike.
Him: And he mustn’t be an Uber driver. I
want someone who will be able to pay
proper lobola.
Me: Uber drivers make up to 10 grand a
week though.
Him: Really? Heeh I must join it!
I say goodbye and get in the Uber as soon
as it arrives.
I text Derek.
Me: I’m on my way.
Derek: Alright, see you soon.
I sigh and look out the window.
My phone rings and it’s Niki.
Me: Ha wena. You’re a legitimate flop.
Niki: Friend! I got your text! So you’re on
your way to the event?
Me: Yep.
Niki: Argh and I would have loved to be
there!
Me: Hai suka.
Niki: So did you guys have sex?
Me: Yes.
She screams and I roll my eyes.
Niki: Girrrl!
Me: I’m not in the mood to talk to you.
Her: I’m sorry!
Me: Hai suka. Bye bye.
Her: Love you!
I hang up.
***
We drive in the yard and I see Derek
waiting... I have no idea whose house this
is but it is huge
as hell. I thank the Uber driver and he
drives out. As soon as I am in close
proximity with Derek, I
am a mess all over again. He looks so
good. Damn sexy beast.
Honestly, mina I don’t know what needs
to be done. Why does he make me feel
this way? I
honestly have never felt so crazy about
another human being. This is on another
level.
He wraps his arms around me and we
share a hug. His cologne is different... It’s
refreshing... I
inhale his scent and try not to get any
makeup on his shirt. Thankfully, I’m not
much of a
foundation fan so I keep it very minimal.
Him: You look breathtakingly dazzling.
I giggle.
Me: Good use of an adverb and adjective.
I’m a happy English teacher, Mr N.
He chuckles and stares at me.
Him: Umuhle.
Me: Thank you.
He smiles warmly and then I look around.
Me: Whose house is this?
Him: Family friend.
Me: Hmm.
Him: Hmm?
Me: Hmm.
We both laugh.
Him: Let’s go, before my brother has an
anxiety attack.
We walk to the other side of the yard.
Gosh people are living good lives out
there, hey.
As we walk to the table, Xolani, who is
dressed to the T (even better than Derek)
walks to us,
smiling.
Xolani: She came, and she slayed!
Stunning!
I smile happily. I knew he’d be pleased. I
clean up nicely sometimes.
We share a hug and he leads us to our
seats...
INSERT 20
Senior: Well what do we have here?
He smiles warmly and stands to hug me.
We share a hug and he looks at me.
Senior: You look amazing.
Me: Thank you. How are you, sir?
Senior: I am well, dear. I’m glad you could
join us.
Derek: Dad.
Senior: Nkanyezi.
His other name is Nkanyezi? I look at him
and he rolls his eyes.
Before I know it, a woman is next to
Senior. I instantly know that she’s the
wife. She assesses
me from head to toe and I try my best to
hide how discomfited I feel.
Derek: Ziyanda, this is my wife, Khwezi...
Khwezi, this is Ziyanda Dlamini,
Nkanyezi’s colleague.
Khwezi, who looks like she’s in her 40s,
continues to assess me. She seems to be
those typical
housewives.
Khwezi: Colleague?
I keep quiet.
Khwezi: What’s so special about this
colleague that she is brought here?
Hehe. Haibo guys, I’m being referred to as
“this colleague” now?
Derek: Mom, how are you?
Khwezi: I’m well, son.
She doesn’t keep her eyes off of me. I even
have to look away. What’s wrong with
this woman?
Senior: Have a seat... It looks like we’re
about to start.
Derek: Let’s go sit on the other side of the
table.
Just as we’re about to walk off, Khwezi
says Derek’s name.
Khwezi: Where are you going, dear?
Derek: We’re sitting on the other side.
Khwezi: No. Here are your seats here. I
was unaware that you were bringing a
guest, but your
brother obviously knew, because he
reserved two seats for you.
Derek grunts and we sit down. She sits
opposite me, and Senior sits opposite
Derek.
Gosh, Niki, where are you when I need
you?
This woman hasn’t greeted me. She
clearly doesn’t see me. I am a peasant in
her eyes.
Hehe.
I feel Derek’s hand squeezing mine under
the table, and I snap out of it. I glance at
him and he
gives me a reassuring smile. I tighten my
jaw and that stupid smile of his
disappears.
I didn’t come here to be disrespected by
some middle-aged, bored and possessive
housewife.
My morning started off phenomenally
with splendid orgasms. I refuse for the
rest of my day to
be ruined by this rude woman.
Khwezi: So, Zinathi... You’re a teacher?
I keep quiet.
Zinathi will give her an answer wherever
she is.
I see the shock on her face as she stares at
Derek Junior and Senior. Senior has a grin
on his
face.
Derek: It’s Ziyanda, not Zinathi.
Khwezi: So is this what happens at your
school, Nkanyezi? Teachers are-
Xolani: Zizi, do you mind helping me with
our gift bags? One of our helpers didn’t
pitch.
Where did he come from?
He smiles and I nod.
Me: Sure.
Derek lets go of my hand and I stand.
Xolani holds my hand and we walk away
and make our
way inside the house. I am so relieved!
Xolani: I had to rescue you. I could tell
that she was ready to eat you up.
I exhale loudly.
Me: Why though?
Xolani: She’s naturally a bitch.
I look at him in shock. He said that so
casually.
Him: I love her, but she’s not a nice
person...
I sigh and he smiles.
Him: Don’t sit there and take it though.
She hates weak people.
Me: Yoh.
Now I just want to go home, snuggle in my
blankets while watching Little Women
Atlanta.
He gives me a glass of champagne and
laughs.
Him: Bamba, this should calm you down a
bit.
I take it and drink.
Me: So you need help with gift bags?
Him: No, love. I was just helping you out. I
could see that you were ready to burst.
Me: She called me Zinathi.
He laughs lightly and shakes his head.
Him: Classic.
I finish the champagne and he pours me
another one. I’m not really a champagne
lover, but this
one seems to go down nicely. It’s that
opulent, lavish champopo.
Him: Finish up quickly because we have
start in a minute.
I finish it and he looks at me.
Him: So are you and D dating?
I look at him as if he’s speaking a different
language. I don’t understand.
Me: No.
Him: So you’re just having sex?
Me: Xolani!
He shrugs.
Him: Are you really a teacher at his
school?
Me: Yes.
Him: So how is this arrangement going to
work? You’ll fuck in his office?
Me: Xolani!
He is so chilled that time.
Him: I’m just asking.
I keep quiet.
Him: Asambe. Are you feeling better?
Me: Well I just went through an
interrogation, so I don’t know...
Him: Don’t even worry about me. I’m not
judging anyone. Derek can sleep with
whoever he
wants... You’re cute, so I don’t have a
problem.
Me: Cute?
He chuckles.
Me: What a tired adjective. Do better,
Ngidi.
He laughs.
Him: Beautiful?
Me: Too common. Try again.
Him: Strikingly attractive?
Me: Hmm.
Him: Stunning!
I laugh. He seems to love this stunning
word, and he says it with so much rigour,
that it cracks
me up.
Him: Let’s go.
We walk out and make our way to the
long table. I go to my seat and Xolani
walks to the
podium.
Derek looks at me questioningly.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Stunning!
I see him relax as he laughs.
I look over at Khwezi and find her staring
at me. I smile kindly and she gives me a
fake smile.
Nxaa.
Xolani: Ladies and gentlemen...
Everyone quietens down and we all listen
to Xolani.
Xolani: It’s a pleasure to welcome you to
our annual fundraising brunch. We
started the Ngidi
Foundation a few years back, because we
felt the need to give back to the less
fortunate. I am
blessed to come from a family that is
generous, and to have parents who stress
the importance
of values such as kindness and service.
We are very grateful to have friends who
are on the
same page with us, because it allows us to
reach more people. Thank you for joining
us once
again. We will have various speakers
today, and I am delighted to let you know
that some of the
older kids from our orphanage are here to
share their stores and interact with us. I
hope you
have a great afternoon. Thank you...
We all clap and I feel all warm and fuzzy.
This family is really invested in giving,
and that’s
admirable.
I look at Derek and smile.
Derek: What?
Me: I didn’t know you were so invested in
serving the community.
He laughs as he drinks his water.
Him: Well, you don’t really know me...
Me: Hmm...
Him: Hmm?
Me: Hmm.
They bring the starters and we begin
eating. People are having their different
conversations,
and I’m just grateful that Derek’s parents
are no longer focusing on me.
Xolani comes over to us and looks at
Derek.
Xolani: You’re up in 15 minutes. As soon
as everyone is done eating.
Derek: Got it.
Xolani walks away.
Me: You’re delivering a speech?
Him: Something like that.
Me: Should I assess you?
He laughs.
Him: So what will you assess?
Me: The usual...Quality of content and
delivery.
He continues to laugh.
Him: Such pressure...
We continue chatting for a while, and
then Xolani goes back to the podium.
Everyone becomes quiet.
Xolani: I would like to welcome my big
brother, Derek Ngidi...
Me: Good luck.
Derek: What in the world is luck, Ms
Dlamini?
He winks at me as he stands and walks to
the podium with his sexy self.
Derek: Good morning, everyone.
They all greet back.
Derek: I am used to delivering speeches
and talks to tiny ones, so please forgive
me if you feel
like I am addressing you like children.
Everyone laughs.
Derek: So this is what I would like us to
do before we move on. In the classroom
environment,
we always do icebreakers as a way to get
everyone comfortable and on the same
page. At the
moment, we’re all still a bit tense, so I
think I’ll facilitate an icebreaker, just to
set a good tone
for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
I have to stop myself from smiling like a
lunatic. My love for teaching is so deep;
my heart
literally warms up when I come across
people who are just as passionate about
it.
Derek: Okay... First, I will test your Maths.
They all laugh and I hear others
complaining that their maths is horrible.
Derek: Don’t worry, we’ll do baby maths.
He laughs.
Derek: Can someone spell 158 000 in 30
seconds?
People raise their hands and it gets all
rowdy. For a second there, I forgot that
these people are
old. Just like kids, their hands were high
up and they were saying, “Pick me, pick
me!”
Derek: Let’s establish a few rules: firstly,
if you know the answer, you should raise
a silent hand.
I will not give you the opportunity to
answer if you are noisy. Secondly, when
you answer my
questions, you should use full sentences. I
do not acknowledge half-answers.
They all laugh. He really is treating them
like kids.
Derek: Now, raise a silent hand if you
know how to spell 158 000 in 30 seconds.
People raise their hands and there’s
silence.
Derek: Well done...
He looks around and picks someone. That
lady manages to spell it in 30 seconds.
Derek: Excellent. Give her three claps in
the count of two... 1... 2...
Everyone claps three times and he smiles.
Derek: Such excellent learners. I am
amazed.
Everyone laughs.
He continues for a while, and it is obvious
that people are having a good time.
They’re relaxed.
Derek: Okay, I will ask you two bonus
questions that are English related.
He looks at me and smiles.
Derek: The rules are similar to charades. I
will choose a concept from English, and
pretend that
I am that concept. I will explain myself
and you will have to use my clues to
figure out what I
am.
He looks around.
Derek: Do we all understand?
Everyone nods.
Derek: Give me a silent high five if you
understand my instructions.
Everyone gives him a silent high five.
Derek: Great. Let’s start with an easy
one...
He keeps quiet for a while. He then clears
his throat.
Derek: I am in every sentence...
Everyone seems to be trying to figure it
out.
Derek: My main purpose is to ensure that
your sentence makes sense.
Of course I know this answer. I look
around and a few hands are up. He asks a
couple of them
to answer, but they don’t get it.
Derek: I am also responsible for making
your sentences more interesting.
He looks around, and they seem to have
given up. I raise a silent hand and he
stares at me.
Derek: Ms Dlamini.
Everyone turns to look at me. I clear my
throat.
Me: You are all the punctuation marks.
They all exclaim when they realise how
easy it was.
He asks another one and I get it once
again...
People are now in high spirits.
Derek: Now, this is what I would like you
to think about, for a minute... What are
you truly
grateful for?
He looks around.
Derek: I will give you one minute to think
about it. What are you truly grateful for in
your life?
He keeps quiet and everyone is silent.
What am I grateful for? Most definitely
my mom and dad. They are my most
valued treasure.
However, I am also grateful for my
friendships. I’ve reached a point in my life
where I know who
is here to stay. My friends are my
extended family. I am also grateful for
children. Honestly, my
love for little ones is extremely deep. I am
able to connect with children from
various
backgrounds, and build strong bonds with
them. I strongly feel like they represent
hope. I’m in a
position to groom young minds, and that’s
a powerful position...
So I have concluded that I am grateful for
the gift of love. As cliché and corny as it
sounds, love
really is a prevailing emotion. It makes it
easier to survive in this horrible world we
live in.
Derek: Alright... I would like to share what
I am grateful for. I’ve decided to focus on
gratitude,
because it has been a constant factor in
my life.
What is this weird feeling I’m feeling? I
can’t seem to explain it.
Derek: I am grateful for love.
Oh my goodness! Lol how coincidental.
Derek: I was 10 years old when I was
adopted by my mother and father.
What? He’s adopted?
Derek: Before then, I lived in an
orphanage, Twilight Orphanage, the same
orphanage we are
connected with today. I know you’re
probably thinking that my life was a mess,
and that I had a
tough time in the orphanage. I will have
you know that it was actually the
complete opposite.
He smiles and looks at an old woman who
is sitting next to Senior. She’s wiping her
tears.
Derek: For as long as I can remember, I
grew up in a place filled with love and
kindness. I don’t
know who my biological parents are. I
have never met them. This goes for Xolani
as well. One
would think that this affected me, but it
didn’t. While living at Twilight, we
received
unconditional love from Mam’Thuli. She
was my mother from the get go. She loved
me from the
moment she met me, which was when I
was 6 months. She loved each and every
boy and girl
that stayed there. She was our mother.
He smiles at her.
Derek: When it was time for me to move
in with my new family, she was very
emotional, but she
kept emphasising that I would benefit
greatly. I didn’t see it at first, but I sure
did as time went
by. The Ngidi family welcomed me
wholeheartedly and it was easy to accept
the love because it
was genuine. There was never a moment
when I questioned their love...
Oh my word.
Derek: This is why I decided to quit my
job in Accounting, and work with
children. Those little
one will really get you thinking about life.
You just get a different perspective. You
start seeing
the world in their eyes, and it blows your
mind. You feel your heart open up in ways
it has never
done before, and the love just overflows.
He then looks at me, and I’m out here
trying to make sense of what I’m feeling.
Derek: I am grateful that I get to interact
with passionate people. People who
genuinely love
what they do. You see the love in their
eyes, and you feel it whenever they
interact with people.
Yhu nkos’ yami.
Derek: Yes, the wealth is a bonus and it
makes our lives easier. However, love just
makes living
worth it.
People are busy wiping their tears.
Thankfully, I am made of steel. Crying is
not my thing.
Derek: So as we continue living our lives,
let’s try to be kinder and loving. None of
us truly know
what the next person is going through, so
let us give love. Be it a stranger, the
person who
works for you, your gardener...
He laughs quietly.
Him: Your boss...
Everyone chuckles and he glances at me
with a smirk.
Him: Thank you for listening to me. I hope
you have a good day.
The man gets a standing ovation. We are
all shook.
He comes back to his seat.
Do I hug him? Shake his hand?
He sits down. Haike I guess I won’t be
hugging him.
Senior: You continue to make me proud...
Khwezi: Now my makeup is ruined!
He smiles at his parents and I feel the
love. How sweet.
He looks at me with that smile of his.
Him: Did I do well, ma’am?
Me: That was beautiful.
Him: Stunning!
We both laugh.
Him: Thank you.
He looks over at Mam’Thuli.
She winks at him and he winks back.
At this point, I am very overwhelmed. Is
this an appropriate time or place to be
turned on?
INSERT 21
We’re now having the main course...
Khwezi has been giving me looks and I
have been ignoring her. I don’t have time
for this
woman. Also, I am now feeling a bit
irritable. I just want to go home and sleep.
There’s only so
much social vibes I can take.
Derek: Are you okay?
I snap out of it and nod lightly.
He looks at me suspiciously and I give him
a fake smile. He continues chatting to
Mam’ Thuli,
who seems to like me. She has been
raving about me, saying I remind her of
her daughter. It
was cute. She’s a lovely woman.
I excuse myself and try to find the
bathroom. I have no idea where it is,
because this castle is
just too much. Why don’t they have signs
to help us, unaware folk? I walked around
downstairs
but couldn’t find one. I then went up the
stairs and randomly chose a room.
I get in, and thank the universe that there
was a bathroom in that bedroom. These
people will
have to excuse me for being so
explorative, but a girl’s got to pee. I dash
to the bathroom and
pee... How I wish I grew up in such places.
The wealth is enticing.
Do people actually live here, or is it an
event venue of some sort?
As I get out of the bathroom, I’m shocked
to find Derek standing by the bedroom
door.
He raises an eyebrow when he sees me.
Derek: What are you doing here, Ms
Dlamini?
Me: I needed the bathroom.
He looks at me questioningly.
Me: I looked for it downstairs, but I
couldn’t find it.
Him: So you randomly chose this room?
Me: Yep.
Him: My room?
Me: Huh?
He closes the door and walks to me with a
grin on his face.
Me: Didn’t you say that this is a family
friend’s house?
Him: I may have lied.
I look around and see a huge picture of
him, Xolani and the parentals above the
headboard.
Me: Oh.
Him: Is there a problem?
Me: Not at all.
He gets closer to me, and places his hands
on my shoulders.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: To be honest, I am tired.
Him: I wonder why...
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Him: Do you want to leave?
I look at him guiltily and he laughs.
Him: You don’t have to pretend. I
personally hate such events.
Me: You do?
He nods.
Him: Did I not tell you that I hate being
around too many people?
Me: You mentioned it.
Him: I’ve reached my quota.
Me: Oh.
Well I’m glad he also feels the same way. I
know this is a good event, but I’m tired.
Him: Thank you for coming.
Me: You’re welcome. I learnt a lot about
you.
Him: I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad
thing.
Me: Me too.
His hands make their way to my waist.
Him: Ready to go?
Me: I’d like to make a donation.
Him: You can give it me and I’ll pass it on
to Xolani.
Me: He won’t mind?
Him: He won’t.
Me: Okay.
I stare at him, and for the first time in a
while, I don’t feel awkward. I see him
quite differently
now. He doesn’t have a ‘perfect’ life after-
all, and that makes him more intriguing.
He leans closer to my face and places his
lips on mine.
Him: Don’t look at me like that.
I don’t respond. We begin to kiss, and I
am instantly reminded why I always freak
out in his
presence. He has an alluring effect on me.
I’ve never been so captivated by anyone,
especially
at such a short period of time. It’s too
overwhelming and addictive.
***
We’re now lying on his bed, and I don’t
even care that it’s his parents’ house, and
we’ve just had
sex (sorry not sorry).
Me: Derek.
Him: Hmm?
I sigh heavily.
Me: At some point, we’re going to have to
talk about this.
Him: What?
Me: This.
He is facing the ceiling, with his head
rested on his hands. He looks so relaxed.
Him: Do you want to talk now?
Haike naye. I’m not ready. I need to go
home and think things through.
I keep quiet.
Him: We have already established that we
like each other.
Me: We have?
Him: Don’t do that.
Me: What?
He sighs.
Him: So you don’t like me?
I keep quiet.
Him: You have sex with people you don’t
like?
I look at him sharply and he just glances
at me casually.
Him: If we’re going to discuss “this” as
you call it, then I’d appreciate honesty.
I keep quiet and he puts up his head, so he
can look at me properly.
Him: Ziyanda?
I grunt.
Him: You’re not much of a talker, are you?
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Him: Don’t try to digress.
I keep quiet.
Him: You said you want to talk about
this...
I regret even mentioning it. I didn’t think
he would take it so seriously.
Me: I do.
Him: Do you want to facilitate the
conversation?
Me: Why are you making it sound so
deep?
He keeps quiet for a while.
Him: Maybe it’s because my feelings for
you are getting deep...
I swallow hard and avoid his eyes. He
rests his head on his hands and faces the
ceiling again.
Him: I’ve been trying my best to keep it
together. However, I must admit that I am
very shocked
at how “this” has developed...
Me: Me too.
Pheew I have finally vocalized my
feelings. Well, technically I didn’t go in
depth, but that “me
too” is something, right?
Him: You feel the same way?
Me: Ya.
We are silent for a very long time.
I turn my back on him and rest my head
on my hands.
I had promised myself that I was going to
stay single. I was going to work on myself.
How in the
world did I end up liking a guy that
irritated me? I wanted nothing to do with
Derek. He was
annoying. How did he become this
admirable man?
He turns me around and looks at me
oddly.
Him: Are you-
Me: No, I’m not crying, Derek.
Him: Oh...
He sighs in relief and I roll my eyes.
Me: And if I was, I wouldn’t appreciate
you asking if I’m crying.
He tries saying something, but stops
himself. I sit up and look at him angrily.
Why am I acting like this? The rational
and mature side of me is watching me in
disgust, but the
drama queen in me, Petty LaBelle, is
flicking her weave telling me to keep the
pettiness going.
Derek seems confused and conflicted.
I sigh.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: You confuse me.
Me: I confuse myself, too.
He chuckles as he pulls me closer to him. I
place my head on his chest and he places
his hand
on my back.
Him: You don’t want to talk?
Me: I’m tired.
Him: I won’t be around the whole week.
Me: Huh?
Him: I’m going to Durban.
I put my head up and look at him.
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing.
I put my head down again.
Him: So how about we use this week to do
some individual introspection?
Me: How are we supposed to work
together?
Him: We’ll figure that out once we talk
about ‘this’.
Me: Okay.
Him: So you like me?
Me: Derek.
He laughs and repositions me so I can be
on top of him.
Him: I’m sorry. I’ll stop making you
uncomfortable.
He slides his hand under my dress and I
groan. As tired as I am, his touch has an
electrifying
effect, as usual...
I guess I’ll use the upcoming week to
figure out what I want...
INSERT 22
It’s now Monday, and the day is dragging.
I gave my kids work so I wouldn’t have to
teach them.
I’m beyond exhausted.
It’s now lunchtime and I’ve been locked
up in my class...
The door opens and Zama walks in.
Zama: Babe.
Me: Hey.
She comes to me and looks at me with
concern.
Zama: Yini sthandwa sami?
Me: Do I look that bad?
Her: No, you don’t look bad. Are you
okay?
Me: I’m just tired yazi.
Her: What did you get up to this
weekend?
Me: My dad needed an extra pair of
hands...
Lies! I was got pounded left, right and
centre.
Her: You look good though.
Me: Is it?
She nods and I try not to think back to the
last two days.
Me: I just want this day to end.
She laughs.
Her: Me too. I’m so grumpy and sleepy.
Me: If I were pregnant, I would use my
baby as an excuse to not come to work.
We laugh and continue chatting...
Honestly, this day is dragging. I am bored
and tired.
***
It’s now Thursday, and I am honestly
having the dullest week ever.
I’m in my class, getting ready to knock off,
when I get a text from Derek.
My heart skips a beat when I see his
name.
Derek: Hi, I hope you are well. Do you
mind if I call you tonight? I miss hearing
your voice.
I find myself sitting down.
Is this why my week has been so horrible?
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since
Sunday.
I text him back.
Me: Hi. I am well, thanks. I don’t mind the
call.
I stand, get my bag, and walk out to the
passage.
Me: Zama!
Zama: Coming!
Me: I’ll wait for you outside!
Zama: Cool!
Lol I honestly thought that Lwazi and I
would be close, but things didn’t work out
that way. Yes,
we’re cool, but we’re not that tight. Zama,
on the other hand, has become a good
friend. Our
walks to the rank solidified our
friendship.
We’re now walking to the rank.
Zama: So when are you meeting your sex
friend?
I laugh.
Me: When he comes back, I guess.
I told Zama about Bongani. I had to tell
somebody. If I can’t tell anyone about
Derek, for obvious
reasons, then I need to vent about this
Bongani situation.
Her: So you really want to end things with
him?
Me: I think so...
Her: How I wish I was you. Getting
married at a young age is a bad choice.
Me: So you’re not happy in your
marriage?
Her: It’s not that I’m unhappy. It’s just
that I have my moments when I want to
live my old
carefree life.
Me: That’s deep!
She laughs sweetly and rubs her belly.
Her: It’s okay. I’m happy though.
Me: Are you sure?
Her: My husband is okay, I guess.
Me: Really?
Her: Men lie and cheat, Ziyanda.
Yhu I decide not to respond to that. I am
not about to listen to someone’s marriage
problems.
I’m not a good listener, especially if I have
to listen to people’s relationship
problems.
Anyway, as I get home, I realise that my
mood has lifted a lot. Konje I am expecting
a call later...
I take a long bath, and take some time to
think about this Derek situation.
I am already in it, so there’s no point in
acting like nothing is happening.
What exactly do I want? Am I ready for a
relationship? Physically, yes. That man
has proven he
can take care of my sexual needs. I am
sorted in that department. Now, am I
ready emotionally?
My relationship with Siya left me scarred
for a very long time, and I am still shocked
that I got
over it. I thought I would take some time
off, and I did. Bongani and I have managed
to keep a
civil relationship. Do I feel anything for
him? Not really. I like him because we
have sex. I don’t
see myself being with him in a serious
relationship. He’s a great person, but I
don’t have intense
feelings for him. I’m actually proud of
myself for sustaining that sexual
relationship without
falling for him...
And then there’s Derek...
He has turned everything upside down. I
never thought I’d even be in such a
situation with him.
What I’m trying to figure out now is
whether I’m acting like this because of the
sexual attraction,
or because I really truly like him. It’s
obvious that we have some sort of
connection, but do I
really want to be “with” him?
I finish lotioning myself and get in my
pyjamas. I decide not to watch TV with
my parents
because I am not in the mood to be
around them. I say goodnight to them and
lock myself in
my room...
My only problem is that I get lost in his
spell when I’m around him, something
happens...
That sexy beast has bewitched me.
Just as I am about to doze off, my phone
rings and I snap out of it.
It’s him!
I clear my throat before answering.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Hi Ziyanda.
My stomach churns at the sound of his
voice. See why I say he has bewitched me?
He’s not
physically here, but he has me feeling all
sorts of ways.
Me: How are you?
Him: I’m well, and how are you?
Me: I’m well...
I keep quiet.
Him: How is your week going?
Me: Uhm it’s fine, I guess.
Him: Lucky you.
Me: You’re not having a good week?
Him: Not at all.
Me: Oh.
Do I have the right to know why he’s not
having a good week? Are we at that level
where he can
tell me about his bad days?
Him: At first I couldn’t understand why I
was so grumpy and unproductive... Then
Xolani sent
me some of the pictures that were taken
on Sunday... I saw a picture of us, and it
instantly
clicked that it’s because I haven’t seen
you.
I try to say something. I am speechless.
Him: I miss you.
He says that so sincerely, that I find
myself telling him I miss him too.
Him: I’m so used to seeing you every day.
I laugh.
Him: Is the school still functioning
without my presence?
Me: Yes, I think so...
Him: What about you?
I giggle quietly.
Me: I’m fine.
Him: Hmm...
Me: When are you coming back?
Him: On Saturday.
What?? But that’s so far!
Him: Ziyanda?
I struggle to speak. What the hell am I
going to do-
I stop myself from thinking all of these
things. Why am I behaving like this? This
man is not my
boyfriend. Like, what the hell Ziyanda?
Me: I’m here.
Him: So have you been doing any
thinking?
Oh gosh. Not this again.
Me: Kinda.
He chuckles.
Him: Kinda?
Me: Ya.
Him: Any progress report?
Me: Not yet.
Him: Okay then...
We are silent for a while.
Him: Enjoy the rest of your night.
What? Is he ending the call? Why?
Me: Thanks.
I end the call and sit up angrily. Petty
LaBelle has come out full force and there
is no stopping
her. I want to let out a scream, but I know
better. I can hear my phone ringing but I
ignore it.
Why does he have to be so far? Also, why
am I suddenly so attached to him?
I hate all this uncertainty.
I hate him. It’s his entire fault.
I take my phone as it’s ringing, and reject
the call. I then type a text quickly and
send it. He must
leave me alone, and stop calling.
Me: I’m ending this... whatever this is.
As I press send, my phone rings.
Bongani.
Shit.
I reject the call.
He must also leave me alone.
I lay on my back, facing the ceiling. I am
going coo-coo right now. This is a side of
me that I
have tried my best to let go, but I guess it
is what it is... Petty LaBelle is out to kill at
this point.
INSERT 23
It’s now Friday, and I am dreading going
to work... I am in the worst mood.
I go straight to my class and decide that I
will miss assembly.
As I am checking my emails, I see one
from Derek. It was sent late last night,
after we spoke
and I hung up on him.
Dear Ms Dlamini,
I hope you are well. My brother has asked
me send you some of the photos that
were taken this
past Sunday at our family’s fundraising
brunch. Furthermore, he thanks you for
your donation
towards our orphanage.
Please find attached the photos.
Kind regards,
Derek Ngidi.
I open the attachment and look through
the photos.
Shame, I looked good, hey.
Out of nowhere, my heart sinks.
I’m now staring at us. I miss him.
I’m busy talking to Xolani, laughing
(probably at something stupid he was
saying), and Derek is
looking at me, with his usual intense
stare.
I’ve been staring at this photo for a
while...
I eventually go through the other photos
and my heart is all heavy now.
The photographer captured those
moments so beautifully.
I close my laptop and get ready to
welcome my kids...
***
It’s now lunchtime, and I am ready to
leave this place. I get a call from Bongani
and I answer it.
Me: Hey.
Bongani: I’m outside.
Me: Okay.
I end the call, and get my bag.
I decided to meet with Bongani for lunch,
because I just want to get this
conversation over and
done with.
I get in his car and realise just how much I
missed his calm and collected self.
Me: It’s been so long!
We share a hug and he smiles.
Him: Angithi you’ve been ignoring me.
Me: Me? Ignore you? Never!
He rolls his eyes and I laugh.
He drives to a restaurant and we place
our order.
Bongani: How are you?
Me: I’m fine. How are you?
Him: Fine? What’s wrong?
I take a deep breath stare at him. I just
want to get it over and done with.
Bongani: What?
I drink some of my water.
Him: You met someone?
My eyes pop out and I almost choke on
my water. He laughs quietly and shakes
his head.
Him: Thought as much...
Me: It’s complicated.
Him: Is it?
I nod.
Him: Well I also met someone.
Me: What??
I stare at him in shock.
Him: Yep.
I sigh and nod.
Me: I guess this is it?
Him: I guess.
Me: How are you though?
Him: I’m okay...
Bongani and I had a conversation about
this. We discussed that should one of us
“meet
someone,” we will immediately cut ties,
out of respect.
Our food comes and we continue chatting.
I must admit that I will miss him, but I’m
not trying
to be a side chick.
After an hour, we’re done. We get in the
car and he drives me back to school.
Me: I hope she treats you right.
He laughs.
Him: Who would have thought?
I shrug. He seems to be more comfortable
talking about this girl. I can’t even tell him
much
about my situation because it confuses
the crap out of me.
He gets out of the car and we share a long
hug.
Me: I’m going to miss our ratchet TV
moments.
Him: Me too.
Me: Treat her right, please.
He nods and we let go of each other.
Him: I hope he also treats you right.
I grunt.
Him: Bye Ms Dlamini.
Me: Bye.
We share another hug before I watch him
drive off. I then make my way inside and
go straight
to my classroom. I get there and find my
kids working quietly.
I sit down and just zone out...
Part of me is sad about cutting ties with
Bongani, but I it is what it is. I’ll get over it
eventually.
Now that I’ve also cut ties with Derek, I
guess I can slowly go back to my normal
life.
I go through the photos again and my
heart sinks deeper.
My kids can even sense my mood, because
they keep giving me love letters. Lol they
really
know how to bring a smile on my face,
these angels.
It’s finally after school, and as much as I
love my babies, I am beyond glad that
they are gone. I
pack up my things and get ready to leave.
Today I am planning on leaving early. I
want to go
home and drown myself in my Rum and
Raisin ice-cream.
As I am about to walk out, Camille calls
me and asks me to come to her office. I
start
panicking.
Does she know about this situation with
Derek?
What if someone told her?
Who told her?
Is she going to fire me?
At this point I’m a mess. I walk to her
office and knock.
Camille: Come in!
I walk in and she smiles.
Camille: Hi, Ziyanda!
Me: Hey.
I sit down and she stops working.
Camille: I wanted to check on you.
I look at her in confusion.
Camille: I just wanted to let you know that
I am here if you need to talk.
Gosh.
Me: Oh okay.
She smiles warmly.
Me: I’ve been helping my dad with his
cooking business. It’s been hectic lately.
Her: Oh... I’m glad it’s just exhaustion.
I smile reassuringly.
Me: I’ll get some rest this weekend.
She nods.
Her: If you need-
Just then, there’s a knock. I’m glad
because it means I can leave.
Her: Come in!
The door opens.
My heart stops beating!
Derek!
He stands by the door and seems shocked
to see me.
Derek: Good afternoon, ladies.
Camille: D!
She stands and walks to him and they
share a hug.
Must be nice.
I watch them have their little moment.
They’re like brother and sister, these two.
I’ve heard that
Camille’s husband is one of Derek’s close
friends...
They let go of each other, and Derek looks
at me. My throat is dry as hell.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I try to speak, but nothing comes out.
He focuses on Camille and they have a
mini catch up session. I stand and clear
my throat.
Me: Uhm, I’ll see you next week.
Camille: Thank you. I hope you get some
rest.
Me: I will.
Derek looks at both of us, confused.
Me: Bye.
Derek clears his throat.
Derek: Can I have a word with you,
Ziyanda?
Me: I have to go...
Him: I’ll be quick.
I nod lightly as I walk out.
Camille: Have a good weekend!
Me: You too.
I feel Derek following me. I stop, so that
he leads the way. He opens his office door
and I follow
him in. He closes the door and then looks
at me carefully, as if he is trying to figure
out what to
say.
We are silent for a while.
At times, I wish I was a person who wears
her heart on her sleeve. Being an open
communicator
has its advantages... I’m the complete
opposite...
I involuntarily step closer to him and find
myself wrapping my arms around him. I
rest my head
on his chest and inhale his cologne. At this
point, I’m not thinking about anything
other than the
fact that his absence has deeply affected
me.
Does that say something about the way I
feel about him?
I feel his arms around me and I smile. He
lowers his head, and I feel his chin on my
face.
Him: Hey.
Me: Hi.
We are quiet once again, and I am okay
with that. I eventually put up my face and
look at him.
I went a week without seeing him, and it
was pure torture. I only spoke to him
once. Once!
Our lips touch and I get lost in that kiss.
Very tender and comforting.
He stares at me and smiles.
Him: I missed you.
He tightens his hold on me and I smile
and kiss him again. He stops the kiss and
looks at me,
with a weird expression, as if he’s
remembering something.
Me: I’m sorry for the text.
I sigh.
Me: I didn’t mean what I said. I was angry.
Him: Did I anger you?
I nod.
Him: What did I do?
Me: You wanted to end the call.
Him: But... Didn’t you want to end it too?
Me: No!
He pouts and I laugh quietly.
Him: Miscommunication...
He let’s go of me, but I’m still holding on.
He realises this, and holds me again.
I am very clingy right now, and this rarely
happens.
I’ll just live in the moment for a few
minutes.
Surely it won’t hurt me?
I missed Nkanyezi...
INSERT 24
Everyone has left, and once again, it’s just
the both of us left.
I am in his office, busy with my phone
while he is finishing up some work.
Derek: Did you get the pictures?
Me: I did. They’re lovely.
He smiles and gets back to his work.
Him: I should be done in 10 minutes.
Me: Okay.
10 minutes, and sure enough, he is done.
Him: Asambe.
We get our things and make our way out.
He locks up and we get in his car.
Him: So where am I taking you?
Me: Home.
He laughs as he starts the car.
Him: Home being my place?
Me: I won’t respond to that.
He reaches for my hand and kisses it
lightly.
***
We get to his apartment in Randburg, but
he tells me we’re going to the one in
Maboneng.
Me: I thought you don’t like the loft in
Maboneng.
Him: I didn’t, but now I do.
Me: What changed?
Him: It holds great memories.
He gives me his usual corny look and I
blush.
Me: My parents will start thinking that I
have disowned them.
Him: Really?
Me: I’ve been a house prisoner for months
now. I’m sure they’re worried because I
haven’t been
around much lately.
Him: So what needs to be done? Should I
ask for permission from them?
Me: If you want to die, then go ahead.
He laughs and I watch as he packs some
clothes.
Me: I would like to go home and get fresh
clothes as well.
Him: No problem.
He finishes up and we make our way out.
Him: I’m supposed to meet a few friends
of mine for dinner. Do you mind joining
me?
Me: Uhm...
Him: Please?
I sigh and nod.
Him: Thank you.
We drive to Soweto and he parks outside
my house.
Me: I’ll be back soon.
Him: Are you sure you don’t want me to
come in?
He laughs when I give him a threatening
look.
Me: Stay in your lane, Uber driver!
Him: Wait, what?
Me: As far as I’m concerned, you’re an
Uber driver.
He laughs loudly as I get out and rush
inside. I get in the house and find both
mommy and
daddy sitting in the lounge, watching
Rhythm City.
Me: Hey good people!
They greet me back excitedly.
Me: I am spending the weekend at Thato’s
house.
Mom: Aww how is Thato? It’s been so
long!
Me: She’s great! She says I must tell you
guys that she misses you, and she’ll visit
soon.
Heeeh! Dick appointments will have you
formulating some calculated lies!
Dad: Oh maan we miss her yazi. Is she still
working at that law firm?
Me: Yep.
I walk to my bedroom and begin packing
my things. My phone rings and I answer it
without
checking who is calling.
Me: Hello?
Person: I am charging you extra for
making me wait, ma’am.
I giggle.
Me: Really?
Derek: It’s been 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll be done soon!
I hang up and finish up packing. Once I’m
done, I go back to the lounge.
Me: See you soon, loved ones.
They both laugh and nod.
Dad: So is that your Uber out there?
Me: Yep.
He laughs and nods.
Me: Bye bye.
They say bye and I am out...
***
We’re now in Maboneng, his loft.
Me: Can I take a shower?
He gives me a disapproving look.
Him: Are you also going to ask me to pee?
Me: Yes, sir.
Him: I’ll throw you out.
I chuckle as I walk to the bathroom.
The mature part of me, Granny Zee, is just
looking at me, with pride. She’s busy
telling me to
keep things like this... Chilled... But Petty
LaBelle? The bitch is sitting on her throne,
with her
tiara, looking at me critically. Petty just
wants drama and she refuses to see the
good in
situations. Granny Zee has tamed her a
bit, because although she is on her throne,
with her
diamond tiara, poor Petty’s mouth is
taped...
While showering, my thoughts are
interrupted by someone’s presence. I turn
around and Derek
is standing a few steps away from me. I
quickly cover myself and look at him in
shock.
He now has a confused look on his face.
Me: Privacy? Personal space?
Him: Oh...
He pulls me closer and I wince.
Him: Better?
Me: Argh.
Him: Are you not burning in here? Why is
the water so hot?
Me: Because...
He groans as he reaches for the taps and
adjusts the water.
Me: This is quite disrespectful. Do you
usually disturb people when they’re
showering privately?
He laughs and wraps his arms around me.
He then kisses me and my body instantly
turns into
jelly.
How I have missed thee!
***
We’re done dressing up and having sex,
for now...
We go to the lounge and sit down,
because he says his guests are running.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and
I look at him.
Me: How was Durban?
Him: It was okay...
I nod.
Him: The only highlight was meeting up
with some friends.
Me: Hmm.
Him: And how was your week?
Me: It was okay...
Him: Why was Camille worried about
you?
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Him: So it’s nothing hectic?
I shake my head and he nods. I think he is
trying to figure me out. I’m not much of a
deep
talker...
We continue chatting until his phone
rings and he answers.
Derek: Hello?... Alright, I’ll be there in 5
minutes...
He laughs.
Him: Hai suka calm down... Bye...
He plants a kiss on my cheek.
Him: Let’s go.
We get up and make our way out.
Him: We’re going to The Cosmo again.
Me: Hmm...
He winks.
Me: Is it too late to change my mind and
stay in, while you entertain your people?
Him: Definitely too late.
Me: Gosh.
Him: Gosh? Is that part of your
vocabulary, Ms Dlamini?
Me: Sometimes, a girl’s got to pull out
something different.
He laughs... We finally get to The Cosmo
and walk in. He talks to a waiter and we
are led to our
table, which is already occupied.
I have to stop myself from staring at these
people.
The man just looks intense...
Like, that’s the only way I can describe
him...
Hot and intense...
The woman, pregnant as hell, is beautiful,
very beautiful.
Derek: Lose the face, idiot.
The man looks at Derek angrily, but
within seconds, he is smiling.
Yhu I feel the earth shake a bit.
Derek: I’m glad you arrived safely.
The woman smiles sweetly and mentions
that she wants nuts. The man quickly
stands and
disappears, but he is back in a flash, with
a packet of nuts. The woman smiles at the
man and
they’re staring at each other all lovingly.
They’re in love. Cute.
Derek: Ziyanda, these are very good
friends of mine, Dean and Nolwazi.
I look at Dean... Lord...
He looks at me blankly and nods.
Tjo. What’s his deal?
Nolwazi, who is chewing her nuts, smiles.
Nolwazi: Hi, love. How are you?
Me: I am well, thank you.
Nolwazi: I would stand and give you a
hug, but I’m immobile.
She smiles kindly.
Me: It’s okay.
Derek and I sit down and I look over at
that rude bastard. He’s now rubbing
Nolwazi’s belly.
Derek: Liwa just texted me, he’s 5 minutes
away...
Dean: You idiots are disrespectful as fuck.
You don’t set appointments and then
arrive late.
Derek: Lwazi, are you the pregnant one or
is Dean carrying the third child?
Third? Are they having twins?
Before I know it, another couple walks in.
The wife? Beautiful as hell!
Gosh I am just overwhelmed at this point.
I can die, and I won’t mind.
I feel Derek’s hand on mine under the
table. He brushes me lightly and I try my
best to keep it
together. At this point in time, Petty
LaBelle is on her feet, eyes wide open, and
pissed as hell...
Universe, do best, please...
INSERT 25
The man, whom I assume is the Liwa guy
they were talking about, is holding his
wife’s hand as
they walk towards the table. They get to
us and Derek stands. They share a hug.
Liwa: What the fuck is this place?
Dean: Ask him...
Nolwazi: Can you all stop being snobs?
This is Maboneng. The new hangout spot.
Dean: For kids...
Nolwazi: Are you finally admitting that
you’re old?
They all laugh, except Liwa’s wife, who
seems annoyed. I can’t help but stare at
her. Her beauty
is striking...
Liwa: I’m definitely too old for this shit.
His eyes land on me and he gives me the
weirdest look. I stare back at him and he
eventually
looks away.
I’m not about to be intimidated by these
hot men and their gorgeous wives.
Derek looks at Liwa and they share some
non-verbal vibes...
Derek: This is Ziyanda.
Liwa: Oh I see... Hi, Ms Dlamini.
Liwa smiles warmly and comes to my
side. He pulls me up and before I can even
process
anything, I’m being hugged.
Him: I’m Liwa. It’s lovely to meet you.
I clear my throat.
Me: Lovely to meet you too.
He walks to the other side of the table and
pulls the chair for his wife, who sits down.
Liwa: This is my wife, Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo looks at me and smiles. I’m
surprised she can even smile.
Some people are just bitchy nje, it’s in
their blood...
I feel Derek’s hand on mine again under
the table and I am just too overwhelmed
to even be
pissed right now. Why did he bring me
here?
Nolwazi: So Ziyanda, what do you do for a
living?
Well damn. We’re just going to focus on
me?
I feel everyone staring at me.
Me: I’m a teacher.
She smiles as she looks at Derek.
Dean: You work with Derek?
Me: Yes, I do.
He looks at me blankly and I stare right
back at him expressionlessly. If he thinks
he’s going to
make me feel small then unyile.
Nomvuyo: Wait. You guys work together?
Oh this one has a voice after-all.
Me: We do.
She then looks at us in confusion.
Nomvuyo: So how-
Liwa clears his throat and tries to change
the subject, but I’m still looking at
Nomvuyo. What
does she mean? Does she think we’re in a
relationship? Also, she seems like a very
nosy
person.
Liwa: Where are you two staying?
Nolwazi: My parents’ house.
Liwa: What?
He laughs and looks at Dean, who seems
annoyed.
Dean: I didn’t even have a say...
Nolwazi: Why would we go to a hotel
when we have a family home this side?
Dean: You think I enjoy being around
your father? The man doesn’t like me.
Derek: Who does?
They laugh once again and I’m just here
thinking about getting drunk and
forgetting about this
night.
Honestly, being around wealthy people is
not easy. They have a certain aura, and I
can’t deal
with it.
Dean: My only problem is that Nolwazi’s
father hates me. He’s civil, but he
definitely hates me.
Nolwazi: No, he does not!
She punches him lightly and he rubs her
belly.
Derek: We have to go.
Liwa: Huh?
Derek: We have other plans... I just came
to make sure you’ve settled in this side.
Nomvuyo: Wher-
Liwa: Alright then. We’ll see you
tomorrow.
I am so confused right now.
Derek: Sure.
Derek glances at me and stands. I stand as
well.
Nolwazi: Help me stand, Langa.
Dean stands and helps Nolwazi, who is
quite big. Now I see that she is carrying
twins. She
wobbles to my side and gives me a hug.
Nolwazi: It was lovely meeting you,
Ziyanda. You’re beautiful.
Beautiful? Lol.
Me: Thank you. It was lovely meeting you
too.
Dean looks at me and nods. Is that a smile
I see on his face?
Dean: Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Me: Thanks.
Liwa and Nomvuyo stand, and they both
hug me.
Liwa: See you soon, Ms Dlamini.
I can’t help but think that this one knows
more than he should. He smiles
mischievously and
then hugs Derek.
Nomvuyo: Bye, Ziyanda.
Me: Bye.
We finish saying our goodbyes, and
before I know it, we’re outside, and it’s
raining.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I shake my head. He must just shut up and
leave me alone. I start walking fast and he
follows
me. My weave is getting wet, I’m getting
wet.
Fuck Derek actually.
Derek: I can get us an Uber.
I ignore him and continue walking.
After 10 minutes, we get to the loft, and I
go straight to the bathroom. I am so
annoyed right
now. I don’t even know why I’m here. I
take a quick shower just to get warm.
Once I’m done, I
lotion myself and put on my pyjamas. I
put my towel around my weave, just to
get it dry...
I then walk to the lounge, and find the TV
on.
This sneaky man. An episode of Real
Housewives of ATL is playing... I sit down
and see a glass
of white wine on the table. I look over at
him, in the kitchen... He seems busy.
All I know is that he must stay away from
me.
I take the glass of wine, and drink...
Chardonnay...
Petty LaBelle sits down with her arms
crossed.
Derek: I have to go somewhere quickly...
I’ll be back.
I ignore him as he rushes out...
I feel a bit better now that I’m watching
my favourite show... I’m annoyed, but
better...
Derek: Zi...
I open my eyes and blink a couple of
times. I find him staring down at me
nervously.
Me: What?
Him: You fell asleep.
I yawn and sit up properly. Why is acting
all nervous?
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing.
I stretch and sit properly. That nap was
glorious.
Him: I cooked.
My tummy grumbles and I rub it.
Me: Okay.
He walks away and comes back with a
tray.
Me: Oh...
He frowns.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing.
I take the tray and place it on my lap.
Me: Thank you.
I look at the plate and smile.
Me: Burger?
Him: You said it’s your favourite food.
My tummy continues to rumble and I sigh.
Me: Thank you.
I take a bite and my tasting buds dance.
Me: Where did you buy this?
He looks at me weirdly.
Him: I made it.
Me: Wait, what?
He smiles and nods.
Me: It’s delicious.
He sighs in relief as I eat quietly. It has all
the important ingredients, more
especially pickles
and a well-done egg.
This chardonnay is also doing its job.
I finish after a while, and look at him.
Me: That was amazing.
He smiles nervously and I frown.
Me: What’s wrong?
He sighs.
Him: You are angry.
Me: I was...
I put down the tray and look at him.
Him: Tell me what exactly angered you.
I grunt.
Me: I’m not angry anymore.
Him: I’m glad... However, I still would like
to know.
Me: You put me in an uncomfortable
position.
He nods.
Me: I hate being around strangers...
Especially if I get thrown into that kind of
situation.
He rubs his chin thoughtfully and nods.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m over it.
Him: So what works for you when you’re
angry or annoyed?
Me: Space.
He nods again and then stands and takes
the tray to the kitchen. He then
disappears to the
bedroom and I’m just sitting here
wondering what the fuck is going on...
I sit there for a while and eventually walk
to the bedroom and find him putting on
his pj pants.
Me: Derek?
He glances at me.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing. I just needed to take a
quick shower.
Me: Oh.
I watch as he cleans up the space. I’m
starting to feel like I’ve done something
wrong. Am I
invading his space? Did I make him
angry?
Me: Derek, are you angry?
Him: No, I’m not.
He finishes what he’s doing, and then sits
on the edge of the bed. He pats the space
next to
him.
Him: Come here for a sec...
I go and sit next to him. We are silent for a
while.
Him: I’m trying to get to know you.
I keep quiet.
Him: As soon as I figure something out
about you, something else comes up. You
have many
layers.
I don’t say anything.
Him: I care about you.
He takes my hand.
Him: We’re adults. I don’t want us to find
ourselves in a complicated situation.
My heart starts beating. He wants to have
this conversation now?
Him: What do you want?
He looks at me softly.
Him: Ziyanda.
I look at him.
Him: What do you want?
Me: You.
He keeps quiet for a while.
Him: Then I’m all yours...
With that said he makes me sit on his lap
and holds me tight.
I want to tell him that I want to make this
work, but the words can’t seem to come
out. I can’t
allow myself to do it...
Me: Derek...
Him: You don’t have to say anything...
I sigh in relief and he chuckles.
Our faces touch and we kiss...
I’m tired of talking.
INSERT 26
Heartbreak is a unique feeling... not just
heartbreak from a romantic relationship,
but
heartbreak in general... As you go through
it, you find yourself thinking you will
never make it.
The healing process seems impossible. It’s
unfortunate that you come across people
who you
fall in love with, make great memories
with, and then they turn around and hurt
you. That pain
cuts deep because you don’t expect them
to tear you apart.
What’s even more frustrating is coming
across people who don’t understand why
you behave a
certain way: people who just don’t
empathise with you. Some people fail to
understand that our
experiences shape us. Just because they
manage to survive their fallbacks and still
have a
positive attitude, it doesn’t mean that the
rest of us will be the same. Some of us
struggle with
dealing with fallbacks, and the intensity of
those fallbacks ultimately change us in a
negative
way...
All these thoughts are running through
my mind, and I find myself waking up. I
check the time
and it’s around 3am. I get out of bed and
walk to the lounge and switch on the TV.
I call Niki and she answers. She sounds
sleepy.
Niki: Hey, friend.
Me: Nikiwe...
Her: What’s up?
I sigh heavily...
Niki and I have known each other forever.
She’s been through it all with me. I don’t
even need to
explain myself to her.
Her: Where are you?
Me: I’m at Derek’s place.
Her: Where is he?
Me: Bedroom...
She sighs.
Her: I’m sorry I can’t be there...
Me: It’s fine, friend. I’ll be fine.
We’ve been chatting for about 40
minutes, when I see Derek walking
towards me.
Me: I have to go.
Niki: Is here there?
Me: Bye.
She laughs and tells me she loves me.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up just as he sits next to me. He
opens up his arms and I get closer to him
till I’m resting
my head on his chest.
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing. Just couldn’t sleep.
He caresses my back and I feel myself
relax again. Living with depression is not
easy. It always
creeps in when it wants to, but I’ve been
living with it for so long, that I am able to
identify my
triggers, and when I’m about to get an
episode.
Him: I’m worried...
Me: Don’t. I’m fine.
I look at him and give him a reassuring
smile.
Me: I’m just restless.
We reposition and end up on our backs,
cuddling.
Me: Your friends, hey...
He laughs.
Him: What about them?
Me: Definitely not my type.
Him: Why?
Me: Firstly, Dean is rude. I strongly dislike
him.
Him: No one likes Dean. He’s a dick.
Me: Why is he so obnoxious?
Him: It’s his personality. You either love
or hate him.
I roll my eyes.
Him: Carry on... I’m very interested in
what you have to say about them.
Me: Nolwazi is nice.
Him: Nice? Come on now, Ms Dlamini.
I laugh.
Me: She’s kind.
Him: She is...
Me: They’re cute together though.
Him: Dean is Nolwazi’s boss.
I put up my head and look at him in shock.
Me: Huh?
He nods.
Him: They’re both economic analysts, and
Dean is the head of their division.
Me: Wow. They met at work?
He nods.
Me: Are they still working together?
Him: Yes.
Me: Wow.
He smiles as I rest my head on his chest
again.
Him: There’s hope after-all.
I punch him lightly and giggle.
Me: Liwa seems forward.
He laughs.
Him: He’s more sociable than all of us.
Me: How long have you known them?
Him: It’s been many years...
I look at him.
Me: Do you even hang out with poor
people?
Him: I beg your pardon?
Me: You heard me.
He chuckles.
Him: I don’t really pay attention.
Me: Hmm... I’ll be your first poor friend.
He repositions me so I’m on top.
Him: You’re special.
I chuckle.
Him: You are an extrovert and introvert at
the same time. You’re honest and closed
off at the
same time.
Me: Hmm.
Him: Very special.
I lower my face and plant a kiss on his
lips.
Me: And you talk too much.
He looks at me in shock and I smile
innocently.
Him: How dare you speak to your leader
like that?
I laugh in disbelief.
Me: Wow!
He squeezes my butt and I squeal.
Me: Don’t start something you won’t be
able to finish.
Him: Are you not familiar with my ways
yet?
Me: Hmm. I don’t think so.
He swiftly repositions so that he is on top.
He kisses me passionately and I moan in
between.
Me: Nkanyezi...
He looks at me amusingly and I smile.
Him: I hate that name...
Me: What? It’s a beautiful name.
He frowns and I wrap my leg around him.
Me: Nkanyezi...
He smiles.
Him: Are you trying to make me fall in
love it?
I giggle and nod.
Me: I love it!
Him: Not as much as I love you.
Wooooah!
Everything stops moving.
I feel like I’m sinking. Why is he saying
this? Is he trying t-
I feel his lips on mine and he kisses me
slowly. As much as I try to fight it, the kiss
has a good
effect on me. It calms me. How did he do
that? I went from losing my mind, to
feeling all warm
and fuzzy.
He eventually stops the kiss and I open
my eyes to find him staring at me.
Him: Relax.
I don’t say anything.
Him: I don’t intend on hurting you.
Me: Don’t sell me dreams, Derek.
Him: I’m not.
I keep quiet and he kisses me again. Just
as I’m about to freak out again, the kiss
does its job. I
feel his hand slide up my pj top. He
massages my breast and I moan.
This was like nothing I have ever
experienced before. The way he held me,
and looked at me
was intense yet soft at the same time.
There were moments I felt like I was
pulling back, but he
managed to reel me back in and I found
myself drowning in his spell yet again.
I don’t know what this man is doing to
me, and that’s what’s frightening.
As I reach my climax, I try to keep it
together, but I fail dismally.
I am a sobbing mess.
I fight as he tries to comfort me, but I end
up giving up. He holds me as I sob even
more. After
the longest time, I’m calm and I doze off in
his arms...
Life really is unfair. You get damaged and
hurt by people who claim to love you, and
then the
world struggles to understand why it’s so
difficult to open yourself up again, when
all you know
is pain... For some of us, loving openly is a
luxury.
INSERT 27
I’m awakened by aches all over my body. I
put up my head and remember where I
am. Did I
really sleep on this couch?
I sit up and groan. My body is achy.
I get up and make my way to the
bathroom to pee. I don’t even want to
look at myself in the
mirror because I know I’m mess.
I wonder where Derek is... My heart aches
as soon as I think about him. I was so
vulnerable last
night and I’m genuinely scared of how
things will be from now on.
He told me he loves me...
I brush my teeth and stare at myself in the
mirror. My eyes are swollen and puffy... I
wash my
face, but I still look a mess. I walk back to
the lounge, and see Derek in the kitchen.
He sees me
and smiles. This one has a really sincere
smile.
He walks to me, opens up his arms and I
wrap my arms around him.
Him: Morning, Dlamini.
Me: Hey, Ngidi.
We stand in each other’s arms for a while.
Him: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
Him: Fine is not a feeling.
I sigh.
Me: I’m okay.
He plants a kiss on my cheek and we let
go of each other.
Him: I had to get a few things for
breakfast.
Me: You’re cooking?
Him: Yes.
Me: Are you trying to make me fatter?
He laughs and spanks my butt.
Him: Would you like anything to drink?
Me: I’ll have water.
I follow him to the kitchen and he gets me
water.
Me: Do you enjoy doing things for people?
Him: Well it depends on who they are.
Me: Hmm.
I’m happy he is not one of those
traditional guys who expect me to cook
and clean because I
am the wrong person.
I take a sip of my water and watch him
cook.
Me: Do you need help?
Him: No, thanks. Please go away.
Me: Rude much?
He chuckles and signals for me to leave
him alone. I walk to the lounge and watch
the news. I
get my phone and text Niki, letting her
know that I’m feeling better.
Derek’s phone rings and it’s right next to
me.
Me: Your phone!
Him: Answer it.
Me: Huh?
He ignores me. I take it and roll my eyes
as I answer it.
Me: Derek’s phone, hello.
Dean: Hi, may I speak to Derek?
Me: He has asked me take a message.
He chuckles and I growl.
Arrogant man.
Dean: Well, tell him we’re here and these
receptionists don’t want to let us in.
Wait, what?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Dean: Sisi, we are downstairs. Tshela
uDerek ukuthi we’re here.
Argh.
Dean: Never mind. We’ve been allowed
access.
With that said, he ends the call.
I start panicking. They’re here? Is it all of
them? What are they doing here?
I quickly stand up and go to Derek.
Me: Derek!
He looks at me calmly.
Me: Dean says they’re here!
Derek: Ah shit.
I look at him angrily.
Him: We were supposed to meet, but I
forgot to cancel.
I narrow my eyes and he looks at me
apologetically.
Me: I’ll be in the bedroom.
Him: But-
Me: Zip it, Nkanyezi!
He looks at me in disbelief as I rush to the
bedroom. Why would he invite these
people here?
Also, does he really think I’m dumb
enough to believe that he “forgot to
cancel”?
Nxa I go to the bathroom and take a long
shower. I feel lighter. I don’t know why,
but I definitely
feel lighter.
I moisturize my weave and it gets revived,
but now I need a hairdryer just to revive
it to the
fullest. The rain from last night did the
most. I decide to put a head wrap because
I’m not
feeling myself right now.
As I finish getting dressed, Derek walks in
and looks at me in disbelief.
Me: What?
Him: You look beautiful.
Argh I’m annoyed, but the butterflies are
busy having a party in my stomach.
Me: I don’t feel beautiful right now. My
eyes are red and swollen.
Him: They’re not that bad.
Me: I hope you can see that I’m actually
rolling them.
He laughs.
Him: Is it safe to get closer?
Me: Whatever.
He walks closer to me and hugs me from
behind.
Him: I’m sorry about the unannounced
guests.
Me: Are you sure they’re unannounced?
He keeps quiet.
Me: Thought as much.
He nuzzles his head on my neck.
Me: Such a liar... How shameful.
He chuckles and I join him. I don’t see the
use of being pissed. I’m too tired right
now.
Me: Why did we sleep on the couch? My
whole body is achy.
Him: I was quite comfortable.
He turns me around and smiles.
Him: Breakfast is ready.
Me: Give me 5 minutes.
Him: Anything for you.
I blush and he smiles victoriously. I’m
sure he keeps track of how many times he
makes me
blush, because I’m stone cold.
He gives me a kiss and then walks out. I
clean up the space I was using and then
go to the
bathroom to look at myself in the mirror...
My eyes damit... I’m sure the universe is
trying to keep me humble, because if it
weren’t for
these swollen eyes, I’d be there next to
Beyonce and the rest... Lol I kid, I kid... A
girl can only
dream...
I eventually walk out, but slowly. I am
dreading this! I really don’t like this Dean
dude.
Dean: So what exactly is your plan?
Derek: I’m just following her pace...
Dean: And work? How will that work out?
Derek: I’m not thinking about that right
now.
Liwa: Dean, stop acting righteous. You
fucked Nolwazi while she was married,
and working
under your leadership.
My mouth drops. So this man is a home
wrecker?! I knew he was shady! Sies!
Dean: I’m not acting righteous, you idiot.
This fool needs to think things through
realistically.
Nolwazi may have been under my
leadership, but she was high ranked.
We’re technically
equals...
Liwa: So what’s your qualm?
Dean: Derek and Ziyanda’s work dynamic
is completely different. They work with a
lot of people,
so this shit is bound to come out. I’m
pretty sure your school has a strict policy
on employee
relationships?
Silence.
Dean: I’m not disputing your connection
with her, which is very evident. My only
issue is
whether you’ll be able to maintain a civil
working relationship. Additionally, what
happens when
rumours start spreading and shit?
Liwa: True...
Dean: Just think about it, and have that
conversation with her...
Derek: Hmkay...
Dean: And what’s with the hmms lately?
What’s happening to your dialect?
Derek chuckles and I hear him telling
Dean to leave him alone.
Liwa: Listen, I’m all for having
conversations and shit, but at the end of
the day, you love who
you love. No amount of pressure or
policies can suppress emotions... I’m
happy for you buddy.
Dean: But you st-
I have heard enough.
I take a deep breath and walk in... They all
stare at me as if they’ve seen a ghost.
It takes them a couple of seconds to snap
of it.
Nxa damn gossipers.
Liwa: Ms Dlamini!
He walks to me and gives me a hug. He
has such a positive aura that I can’t help
but relax and
smile.
Me: Hi, Liwa.
Liwa: How are you?
He stares at me worriedly... It’s the damn
eyes.
Me: I’m well, and you?
He eyes me suspiciously.
Me: Had a rough night.
Liwa: I see... But you still look good.
Me: Hmm... Flattery...
He laughs loudly and looks at Derek, who
looks nervous. Lol shame I’m sure he’s
waiting for me
to act up. I’m proud to say that Petty
LaBelle has been given sleeping pills... For
now... But let a
nigga try me though...
I look at Dean blankly. Bloody home
wrecker!
Dean: Ziyanda.
Me: Hi.
Dean: Slept well?
Me: Like a baby.
He raises an eyebrow and I see a slight
smile.
Derek clears his throat.
Derek: I’ll dish up now.
Dean: You cook?
They all laugh, as if they’re referring to
some secret joke. I look at them weirdly.
They’re like brothers... It’s so weird.
Liwa holds my hand and leads me to the
couch. We sit next to each other, and Dean
sits on the
one-seater.
Liwa: So I have a 9 year old daughter...
Me: Is it?
He nods excitedly and then takes out his
phone. He shows me pictures of her, and I
instantly
smile. She’s a reflection of her mom and
dad. So precious...
Liwa: She’s cute neh?
Me: Too much.
He smiles proudly.
Liwa: Her teacher wants us to meet...
Apparently she’s too smart for her grade.
I’m not
surprised because she comes from a
family of intelligent motherfuckers.
I laugh. He is so vile and loveable at the
same time.
Me: So they want to take her up?
Liwa: Yes.
Me: Hmm...
He instantly turns to face Dean and they
look at each other for just a second... I
honestly don’t
understand these people.
Anyway, Liwa and I went on to discuss
the pros and cons of skipping grades in
primary school...
I admire how invested he is in his
daughter’s education. I wish more parents
were like this...
INSERT 28
Liwa: So, do you see yourself doing
anything else besides teaching?
I sigh thoughtfully.
Me: Not really... However, I would love to
open my own restaurant.
Derek’s eyes pop out and he swallows his
food quickly.
Derek: What??
I look at him amusingly.
Me: Is there a problem?
Derek: You can’t even cook!
Me: So?
Derek: That’s like a blind man saying he
wants to be an optometrist.
I burst out laughing and they join me.
Me: Well, I will handle the food side...
tasting and stuff, while you deal with the
business side of
things.
Liwa: Heeh so you see yourself owning a
restaurant with this fool?
Me: He’s not a fool.
Liwa laughs loudly while Dean chuckles
quietly. Derek on the other hand looks
like he’s
blushing.
Liwa: Heeeh! You’re defending him?
I roll my eyes playfully and we continue
chatting. Just then, Dean’s phone rings
and he excuses
himself...
Liwa: Listen, I know Dean is a dick-
Me: He is.
Liwa raises an eyebrow and smiles.
Liwa: You know what? I like you Zizi.
Zizi? Hehe.
Liwa: He’s just testing you. He’s really not
a people’s person.
Me: Hmm.
Liwa: Hmmmm.
He imitates me and I smile. I look at Derek
and he is just happy...
Dean walks back to the lounge and sits
down.
Dean: That was Nolwazi...
Liwa: Everything okay?
Dean: Ya she was just asking me to bring
some shit for her lunch shindig.
Liwa: Hmm.
Dean looks at Liwa weirdly and shakes his
head lightly.
Dean: Anyway, Nolwazi is extending an
invitation to you.
Me: Me?
He nods and finishes his food.
Dean: Liwa, let’s get going. Lwazi won’t be
happy if I don’t oblige.
Hmm so he jumps when it comes to
Nolwazi? Clearly he loves her. Cute.
They finish eating and I offer to get their
plates, but they refuse. Liwa takes my
plate; they stand
and go to the kitchen. Derek is next to me
within a split second. He wraps his arm
around me
and asks me to kiss him.
I shake my head and he sulks.
Look at him being clingy... My sexy, clingy,
soul snatching beast...
Liwa: Alright people, we will see you
later?
Derek looks at me questioningly and I
sigh.
Me: Okay.
Liwa: Great. Enjoy the rest of your
morning. It was lovely getting to know
you, Zizi.
Me: Thank you, Liwa.
I stand up and we share a hug. I look over
at Dean, who’s busy on his phone.
Derek: See you soon...
Liwa: Sure.
Dean: See you soonest.
He looks at me and nods, but this time, I
see the smile.
Me: Bye.
They walk out and close the door. I walk
to the balcony. I need some fresh air right
now.
I feel Derek behind me. He wraps his arms
around me and I feel myself relax.
I turn and face him. He has a very soft
expression.
Me: Thank you.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: A lot has happened in the last 24
hours.
I hug him and we stand there for a while.
Him: I love you.
I keep quiet.
Him: I’m here for you. If you need
anything, Ziyanda, I am here. Please don’t
forget that.
We hug again.
This man is doing something to me. I can’t
even control myself anymore.
***
We are now driving to Lwazi’s parents’
house.
Derek: Let me fill you in on everyone...
I nod.
Him: So I already told you about Dean and
Nolwazi.
Me: That was a very brief summary. I
need details, Nkanyezi!
He laughs.
Him: So Nolwazi was married for 5 years
or so... She couldn’t have kids.
Me: Hmm.
Him: Then her husband decided to get a
second wife.
Me: What?!
He nods and glances at me.
Him: She was hurt obviously, and Dean
was there supporting her. That’s how the
relationship
formed.
Me: You call it support?
Him: Huh?
Me: More like taking advantage of a
vulnerable woman.
He chuckles.
Him: Well that’s your opinion.
Me: You don’t think so?
Him: Dean loved Nolwazi from when they
started working together.
Me: So that makes it okay for him to
interfere in her healing process?
Him: He didn’t interfere. He was being
supportive, and that led to something
else.
I roll my eyes.
Him: Like I said, it’s your opinion.
Me: Mxm.
He shakes his head lightly.
Him: So that’s Nolwazi and Dean.
He takes my hand and kisses it.
Him: Don’t be too consumed by other
people’s issues.
Me: I don’t like him.
He brushes my hand.
Him: Dean is a good man. He may be
arrogant and cold, but he loves very
deeply.
I look at him blankly and he laughs.
Him: I guess there’s no use trying to
change your mind... Hopefully, you’ll see
for yourself
through time.
I grunt.
Him: Anyway, Liwa and Nomvuyo...
Me: Liwa is amazing.
Him: He is, but don’t mess with his family.
He would kill for them.
Me: That’s good. I’m glad he cares for
them.
Him: His whole world revolves around
Nomvuyo.
Me: The bitchy one?
He bursts out in laughter.
Him: Wow.
Me: I didn’t even fully recognize her
beauty because of her vibe... I don’t like
her.
Him: You know, Ms Dlamini, you aren’t
the kindest person either.
I look at him in shock.
Him: Does that shock you?
Me: I will have you know that I’m the
kindest person ever.
Him: No, you’re not. You’re only kind once
a person get to know you...
I sigh in disbelief.
Him: Maybe the reason you don’t like
these people is because you’re a tad like
them.
Me: Derek!
He laughs and shrugs.
Me: I am nothing like Dean!
Him: Hmm.
Me: Argh just tell me about Liwa and
Nomvuyo.
Him: Okay... So Nomvuyo and Liwa grew
up in the same house.
I look at him in confusion.
Him: Nomvuyo’s grandmother worked for
the Mzinyathis.
Me: The Mzinyathis?
Him: Liwa’s family... Google them...
Me: Gosh.
He chuckles.
Him: So Nomvuyo’s grandmother was
their helper.
Me: Really?
And here I thought Nomvuyo also came
from money.
Him: Nomvuyo’s mother was Zodwa. She
was very close with Zimkitha, Liwa’s
mother. They
were like sisters.
Me: Okay...
Him: Zodwa had a sister, her name is
Zukiswa.
Me: Okay...
Him: Are you following?
Me: Yes.
Him: So Zodwa, Zukiswa and Zimkitha
became close... The Mzinyanthis even
built a
guesthouse for them in the yard...
Zimkitha didn’t even think of them as the
help. She
considered them family.
Me: So Nomvuyo’s family lived there
24/7?
Him: Yes, it was the sisters and their
mother.
Me: Okay.
Him: Zimkitha and Zodwa were very
close, and Zukiswa and Zimkitha had a
love-hate
relationship.
I nod.
Him: Anyway, Liwa and his twin, Princess,
where born. Zimkitha is their mother.
Me: Liwa has a twin?
He nods.
Him: Then Nomvuyo was born and she
grew up with her mother, Zodwa.
Zukiswa was now
nowhere to be found.
Me: Where did she go?
He shrugs.
Him: Nomvuyo and Liwa were close, just
like their mothers.
Me: Well clearly their version of close was
different.
He laughs.
Him: So that’s their love story... It’s more
complicated though because Nomvuyo
found out that
her mother was actually Zukiswa, and her
father was Zimkitha’s husband.
Me: What??? So their relationship is
incestuous?? They share a father?!
Him: No, no! Turned out Liwa and
Princess’ father is out there somewhere.
I sigh in relief.
Me: So Zimkitha stole Zodwa’s man? Her
so called sister? Wow!
He chuckles.
Him: Their family history is extremely
complicated.
Me: Wow.
We finally drive into Nolwazi’s family
house.
He brushes my hand and I glance at him.
Him: Relax.
Me: Too late.
He chuckles and we get out of the car.
He holds my hand as we walk to the front
door, which is open.
A woman walks out with the biggest smile
on her face. She looks just like Nolwazi, so
I’m
assuming she’s her mother.
Her: My bright and shining star!
Derek: Mam’ Thandeka.
She gets to us and they share a hug.
She seems nice.
She lets go of him and stares at me.
Her: Is this Ziyanda Dlamini?
Well damn...
Derek laughs.
Derek: Yes.
Her: We have heard so much about you,
love! Welcome!
She gives me a hug and I try my best not
to act awkward.
Petty LaBelle is also very confused right
now.
Her: Please relax. I know we can be
overwhelming, but it’s all love.
Me: Okay.
I look at Derek and he’s looking at me like
he feels sorry for me. This is too much.
Her: I’m Nolwazi’s mom, Thandeka.
Me: Pleasure to meet you.
She smiles.
Her: Everyone is on the other side of the
yard...
I say a silent prayer.
Her: I’m busy in the kitchen.
Derek: Okay, we’ll make our way to the
other side.
She nods and walks away.
Derek wraps his arms around me and I
groan.
Derek: We can easily go back home.
Me: We’re already here...
He squeezes me and gives me a kiss.
Dean: Stop acting like love struck
teenagers...
Where did he come from??
Dean: We’re all that side... Wozani.
He walks off and we follow him. He really
is hot though... But Nkanyezi is still
leading, with 2
points.
We get to the backyard and a big round
table is set...
It looks lovely.
Nolwazi: Zizi!
So we’re just going to go with the Zizi
name?
Me: Hello everyone.
They all greet back. Liwa, Nomvuyo, Dean,
Nolwazi are there.
Liwa: I’m glad you came.
I smile and glance at Nomvuyo, who
seems intrigued by me.
Nomvuyo: Sit next to me, Zizi.
I try not to look at her weirdly.
What’s going on?
Nomvuyo: How are you?
What’s happening?
She sees my confusion.
Nomvuyo: My husband tells me you can
handle Dean.
They all laugh, and Dean chuckles.
Nolwazi: Anyone who can handle this
bully is accepted.
I look at Dean, and he’s looking at me
coolly. He definitely intimidates me, but I
don’t go around
showing people that they have that kind
of effect on me. My parents would be
ashamed.
Person: What the fuck is going on here?
We all turn and Nolwazi exclaims happily.
Nolwazi: Mdu!
What??
Mdu: Is this one of mom’s stupid family
reunions?
Nolwazi: Stop being mea-
Mdu: Hold on...
He looks at me.
Mdu: Ziyanda?
I’m sure my eyes are popping out.
Mdu: What the fuck is going on here?
Everyone looks at us in confusion.
Mdu: Why is my ex here? Is mom trying to
set me up?
Silence.
Lord, take me! Take me now!
INSERT 29
The silence is so awkward that I have to
clear my throat.
Even Dean is raising an eyebrow.
Mdu: Ziyanda? What’s going on?
I look at Derek and he just looks like he is
sick. He’s not fine!
I touch his hand and he doesn’t look at
me. Is he angry?
Mdu walks away and makes his way
inside the house.
Nolwazi: Uhm... Ziyanda, you used to date
Mdu?
Me: Yes.
Everyone is now staring at Derek. He’s
expressionless.
Me: It was 5 or 6 years ago in varsity. We
weren’t serious.
Well it was kinda serious, but I’m not
trying to make things worse here.
Nomvuyo: It doesn’t matter now.
Everyone stares at her, including Derek.
Nomvuyo: It happened years ago, and like
you said, it wasn’t serious.
Liwa nods slowly. I think he’s just
shocked that his wife is on my side.
Liwa: Yes...
Nolwazi: Uhm ya. It’s not a big deal.
Now we’re all staring at Derek... I feel so
sorry for him! He’s obviously
overwhelmed!
Derek: Excuse me...
He stands and leaves the table. Where is
he going?
As I’m about to stand, Nomvuyo takes my
hand.
Liwa: Give him time to process it.
Dean: Such drama...
They all laugh and I’m just sitting there,
trying not to burst out in tears. Where is
Derek? I want
to assure him that I’m not attached to
Mdu.
Mdu walks back and seems more relaxed.
Mdu: Sanibonani.
They greet back.
Nomvuyo: So you guys dated in varsity?
What I have noticed about this one is that
she is very nosy. Even the bitch face
disappears
when she is fishing for information.
Mdu looks at me and smiles.
He chuckles and takes a bottle of
champagne, and drinks it.
Mdu: Did you come with Derek?
I nod. I’m trying not cry at this point. I feel
so guilty.
Mdu: This is very awkward. Where is he?
Nomvuyo: He left.
Nolwazi: I feel so bad. I’m sorry Zizi.
Mdu: What are you sorry for? That I’m
your brother? How treacherous, Lwazi!
Dean chuckles.
Liwa: What a fucken small world!
I stand up. I can’t deal with this. These
people are too much, and I don’t like how
lightly they’re
taking this. I walk to the direction Derek
took, and I see him on the other side of
the yard, by the
pool.
I walk to him and he glances at me
blankly.
Me: Are you angry?
He keeps quiet for a while.
Me: Derek. Please say something.
He still doesn’t say anything. My anxiety
levels are shooting up.
Me: Okay then, I’ll give you your space.
Just as I’m about to turn, he grabs my arm.
I turn to look at him and he exhales
loudly.
Him: I’m angry.
I want to cry.
Him: But not at you... I guess I’m pissed at
the universe...
I sigh in relief.
The universe is not loyal. One moment it’s
on your side, the next it’s against you.
Him: When did you...
He can’t even finish the sentence.
Me: About 5 or 6 years ago, when I was in
varsity.
Him: Was it serious?
I shake my head.
He nods slowly.
Me: I was in varsity...We dated for a
couple of months, nothing serious.
Well we technically dated for 2 years but
he doesn’t need to know all of that. I don’t
want him to
freak out.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: I’m not angry at you, baby.
My body turns into jelly again. I’m not a
fan of pet names, but hearing him call me
baby eased
me up a bit. He notices this, and pulls me
closer and wraps his arms around me.
Him: I can’t seem to imagine you with
another man. It makes me uncomfortable.
I completely understand. I mean, I’ve
secretly had a crush on him for a while,
and it always
makes me cringe to think of him with
another woman.
I plant a kiss on his lips and he smiles.
Me: We both have exes, unfortunately...
He chuckles.
Me: It’s unfortunate that my ex happens
to be linked to you.
He tightens his hold on me and we share
another kiss. I’m trying my best to assure
him that I’m
not fazed by Mdu’s presence. I don’t want
to him to start questioning “this.” We’re
literally at the
beginning stages.
He’s a good man, and I acknowledge his
efforts to get to know me. I appreciate
him.
Him: Thank you.
I kiss him again.
Now I’m the clingy one.
I don’t want to go back to those people,
but I know we have to.
Him: Let’s go back.
We walk back to the other side, hand in
hand. As we sit, everyone continues with
their
conversation as if nothing happened.
I appreciate their maturity. They’re
clearly above drama and pettiness.
Petty LaBelle is now hiding behind her
golden chair. She’s not about to involve
herself in this
situation.
I look over at Mdu. This little bitch is still
hot as hell. Damn whore of a man.
Petty LaBelle rises a little bit, but she
stops herself.
Mdu: Derek, can I have a word with you?
I look at Mdu sharply, and he ignores me.
What the hell is wrong with him? I’ve just
tamed the
beast, and now he wants to ruin
everything?
Derek: Sure.
They stand and walk away. I just want to
protect Derek. This must be embarrassing
for him.
Nolwazi: We told him to clear the air. We
don’t want any unnecessary tension.
I ignore her.
I’m so annoyed right now. What is Mdu
saying??
I feel Nomvuyo’s hand on mine under the
table and I glance at her. She smiles
reassuringly.
Nomvuyo: Relax.
Somehow, I end up relaxing. Surely Mdu
is not that dumb, right? He knows very
well that I am
not the one to test...
Eventually they come back, and they seem
fine. I look at Derek and he smiles
sweetly. The sexy
beast is back. I don’t know what that idiot
said to him, but my Nkanyezi’s back, and
that’s all I
care about.
***
We are now eating and the vibe is much
better.
I need the bathroom. I excuse myself and
go inside.
As I am making my way back outside,
Mdu calls my name and I stop. We’re in
the kitchen.
Mdu: Hi.
I keep quiet.
Mdu: How are you?
Me: Listen here, just because we are
currently crossing paths, it doesn’t mean
we’re fine.
He looks at me in shock.
Me: I don’t like you. I doubt I ever will.
Mdu: Yoh.
Me: So do me a favour, and zip it,
blabbermouth.
With that said, I walk off and make my
way back outside.
Overall, it was a good lunch, but I was
over it.
I want to go back to Nkanyezi’s place and
cuddle. As much as I hate that shit, it
definitely
sounds better than being here.
Derek senses my mood and announces
our departure.
Liwa: We also have to get going.
Thandeka: We should do this more often!
I look over at Dean, and I know he hates
all of this. I laugh to myself... At least we
have
something in common.
We say our goodbyes.
Mdu and Derek hug and I try not to vomit.
Mdu tries to hug me, and I give him one
look before
he tries. He stops himself and focuses his
attention on Liwa and Nomvuyo.
Nolwazi: Hope to see you soon!
I give her a smile. A fake smile. I need a
few months away from these people...
INSERT 30
We get to Derek’s place.
Me: It’s been a long day.
He doesn’t say anything. He’s been quiet
since we left Nolwazi’s place.
He cleans up his kitchen, which is already
clean.
Me: I’ll take shower while you do your
thing.
He ignores me and I make my way to the
bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed and
sigh deeply.
The past 24 hours have been a
rollercoaster. I went from wanting
nothing to do with Derek, to
wanting him, all of him. Seeing him
embarrassed like that because of Mdu
was just horrible. I
know he needs his space, but I don’t want
to give it to him. What if he realises that
I’m just a
complicated person who will mess up his
life?
I go to the bathroom and get in the
shower. I start crying silently and hope
that I’ll feel better. I
hate crying, but there’s nothing else I can
do.
After much wailing, I feel slightly lighter.
I feel him behind me and turn around to
face him.
Me: Are you okay?
He nods.
Him: Thanks for giving me space.
I nod.
He wraps his arms around me and I hold
on to him.
Him: I’m not angry.
Me: You’re not?
Him: I’m not.
He leans closer to my face and I feel his
lips touch mine. He presses me against
the wall and I
wince. I’m just going with the flow.
There’s still that part of me that doesn’t
want to open up,
but Derek’s presence always reassures
me for some weird reason.
I let out a moan as I feel him inside me.
I’m uncomfortable, because I hate shower
sex, but this
man is making it impossible to complain.
I’m as loose as a jellyfish.
He pounds me so intensely, that I scream.
I dig my fingers on him and he pounds me
even
harder.
As I reach my climax, he holds me tightly.
He follows soon after, and we both just
pant like
vicious animals. He loosens his hold on
me and I find myself sitting down. I know
he’s looking
at me weirdly right now, but I’m
exhausted. All that flexibility got a girl
shook.
The hot water hits my face, and he adjusts
the shower head so it’s facing the other
way. He
then sits next to me.
Out of nowhere, everything sinks in.
Me: Derek!
Him: What?
Me: Fuck!
Him: Yini?
Me: We didn’t use a condom!
He chuckles and relaxes again.
Him: We’ll get you those pills.
Me: Those pills?
Him: What are they called?
I groan.
Me: After sex pills? No baby pills?
We both laugh and he pulls me so that I’m
sitting in between his legs. I’ll just act like
I’m not so
close to his dick.
He kisses my ear and I giggle.
Me: Stop!
Him: Is it ticklish?
Me: Yes.
He does it again and I try moving, but he
holds me tight.
Me: Ngidi!
He continues to do it while I giggle away.
He eventually stops once I can’t breathe.
I exhale loudly and relax.
Me: You want to kill me.
Him: I wouldn’t dare.
We sit there for a long time...
Me: What’s your biggest fear?
Him: My biggest fear?
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: Hmm I’ve never thought of that...
I keep quiet.
Him: I don’t think I have a fear...
Me: Lies!
He chuckles.
Him: What’s your biggest fear?
Me: Snakes. Spiders. Insects. Heights.
Should I go on?
He laughs.
Him: You are so dramatic.
Me: Ohho.
Him: I think my biggest fear is meeting
my real parents.
I freeze. I didn’t expect that.
Me: Really?
Him: Mmm.
Me: I thought you don’t want to meet
them?
Him: I don’t.
Me: Do you think about them?
Him: Sometimes...
He wraps his arms around my neck and
kisses my cheek.
Him: I don’t want to spend my days
wondering what could have been... I have
to live my life.
Me: That’s very strong of you.
Him: I try...
We are silent once again.
Him: Why are you so closed off?
I tense up and he kisses my cheek again. I
didn’t expect this to be a serious Q and A.
I sigh.
Me: I’ve been through a lot...
He nods and we sit in silence for a long
time.
Me: I was sexually abused for most of my
childhood...
His body tenses.
Me: I was depressed most of my life, still
am. I only got help when I was in varsity,
because
things just spiralled out of control.
I can’t believe I’m telling him all of this...
Me: I was hospitalized for over a month
because my depression was undiagnosed
for many
years...
He is still tense.
Me: And my first boyfriend, whom I loved
dearly, turned out to be an abuser...
I stay silent for a while.
Me: I’ve been through a lot of shit, Derek.
That’s why I’m cautious with my heart.
We sit there for a long time. I can feel a
thigh cramp approaching, so I stand and
close the taps.
I walk out of the shower and dry myself...
As I am lotioning myself in the bedroom,
he walks in with a towel wrapped around
his waist. I
hold my breath. How is this handsome
man with me?
Petty LaBelle instantly stands up and tells
me to check myself. According to her,
Derek is the
one who should be asking himself how he
got to be with a badass like myself. Petty
really is a
good girl. Always keeps the self-esteem in
check.
I didn’t even feel him next to me. He’s
now lotioning my arms.
He smiles when he sees that I’ve snapped
out of it.
Him: You zone out quite a lot, don’t you?
I look at him, feeling embarrassed.
Him: Why?
Me: It’s a coping mechanism.
Him: I see...
He’s now spreading lotion on my thighs.
Him: I need you to stay focused now...
He caresses my thighs and my heart skips
a beat.
Him: Don’t zone out, okay?
I nod.
I can’t even speak.
One of his hands makes its way up
between my thighs and I moan. He
continues going up and I
squeal.
Him: Ever so ready...
I feel his fingers massaging me, and I
moan once more.
Him: Don’t close your eyes, baby.
He continues to rub me softly and I hold
my breath.
Him: Breathe, Zi.
I exhale and stare back at him. He’s
looking at me softly.
Him: I won’t hurt you.
I don’t say anything.
Him: Trust me...
He does something with his fingers and I
moan.
He focuses on one area and I feel the
pressure. My whole abdomen area is
anticipating the
quick climax. Seconds later, I’m holding
on to him, craving more of him.
He lifts me and places me on the bed.
He lies down next to me, and I look at him
in confusion.
Him: Do as you please...
Argh I love sex, but I’m really not a fan of
being on top. Shit’s too draining if you’re
carrying extra
weight.
I reposition and slowly let him in... When I
feel him in my womb, I forget my dislike
of this
position, and get to work...
As we both reach our end goal, he wraps
his arms around me and kisses my
forehead.
Him: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
I feel him smile, but I’m too tired to look
at him. I’m sleepy.
Him: I’ll take good care of you, I promise.
I try responding but end up dozing off,
safe in his embrace...
One of the precious things about love is
that it heals... The process may not be
easy or quick,
but it heals.
I am going to take this chance...
INSERT 31
It’s now 10am Sunday morning, and
we’ve been in bed since last night.
Derek: What are we going to do today?
Me: I don’t know.
He gets out of bed and disappears.
I take my phone and call Niki.
Niki: Babe.
Me: I told him I love him.
Niki: Whaaat?!
I sigh.
Niki: Friend!
She laughs in disbelief.
Me: I still can’t believe it.
Her: Are you still with him?
Me: Yep.
Her: Wow, I need to meet this man ASAP!
Me: Definitely.
Niki’s judgement is always accurate. I
need her to meet Derek, so she can give
me her honest
opinion.
We continue chatting for a while and then
Derek walks in.
Me: Bye bye ke.
Niki: Bye bye Juliet.
Me: Euuw she died! Don’t compare me to
her!
Niki: But, she died in love!
Derek pulls me closer and I wince,
because his cold.
Me: Bye, Niki.
Niki: Shap love.
I end the call and Derek rests his head on
my chest.
Derek: These boobs.
Me: I know.
He groans happily.
Right now, I’m not going to entertain
negative thoughts. I am happy. This man
makes me happy,
and that’s all that matters right now.
Me: Are you falling asleep?
He moans and is gone minutes later...
I browse through my phone and it rings.
It’s an unfamiliar number.
I answer.
Me: Hello.
Person: Hi, am I speaking to Ziyanda?
The voice sounds familiar.
Me: Yes, who am I speaking to?
Person: Hi, Zizi. You’re speaking to
Nomvuyo.
Nom-who? Nom-what?
Me: Uhm okay...
She laughs lightly.
Nomvuyo: I know I’m the last person
you’d expect a call from.
Me: Hi.
Her: How are you?
Me: I’m well, and you?
Her: I’m well, thanks. I just wanted to
check if you’re fine.
Me: Oh.
Her: I know yesterday was awkward for
you...
Me: I’m fine...
Her: Okay...
Me: Uhm thank you. That’s very sweet of
you.
Her: Well I know you had a bad first
impression of me... Unfortunately I’m not
as sociable as
everyone in this group. Additionally, I’m
overprotective...
Me: I can relate.
Her: I know... You remind of my young
self.
Me: Surely you’re not that old.
Her: I’m 34.
Geesh, she’s 9 years older than me? These
people aren’t young, are they? Also, how
old is
Derek? I should ask him.
Her: I’m old...
She laughs and I smile. She really is
loveable a bit.
Her: Anyway, how is Derek?
Him: He’s fine.
Her: Distract him with sex. This group of
men tends to be very dramatic at times.
Me: Really?
Her: Yes! They love sulking. You just have
to learn a few ways to distract them.
Me: Oh.
I chuckle.
Her: On a serious note though, Derek has
been a family friend for years. He’s a very
good man.
I keep quiet. Maybe Nomvuyo can give me
some insight on him.
Her: If you haven’t noticed yet, they love
wholeheartedly. Derek is literally the only
one who is
not married with kids in our group of
friends.
Me: Oh.
I’m glad he doesn’t have a baby.
Her: He wears his heart on his sleeve, and
that has landed him in some hurtful
situations.
Nxa why would anyone hurt this sweet
man? Damn whores!
Her: He told us briefly about you some
time ago. Apparently you kept telling him
to leave you
alone?
Me: What??
Her: He was acting like a love struck
teenager. It was so random, seeing as he
was on a break.
You know what? I officially love Mrs
Gossip Girl! She is out here spilling all the
tea! I obviously
don’t need to stalk D because Vuvu the tea
spiller is doing the most. Love it!
Me: Break?
Her: His last relationship ended badly.
Me: Is it?
Her: The girl was just busy...
Me: Oh...
I brush Derek’s face. He’s sleeping
peacefully here.
Her: He decided to take a break, and I
guess you came into the picture.
Me: For how long?
Her: About 2 years.
Me: Hmm.
Her: Anyway, don’t put pressure on
yourself. My advice for you is to accept
the love. All these
men were raised well, by strong women,
and they don’t think it’s a weakness to
love
wholeheartedly. I’m sure you’ve noticed
this.
Me: Yes.
Her: Don’t drive yourself crazy,
questioning things. If it feels right, then go
for it.
Me: Thank you.
Her: I have to go... You should come visit
us.
Me: Will do.
Her: Enjoy your day, love.
Me: Thanks, you too.
Her: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and end up falling asleep...
I’m glad I got to know about this one a
bit...
***
When I finish showering, I find him
making the bed.
Derek: Why didn’t you wake me up?
Me: You were sleeping so peacefully.
He yawns.
Him: I wanted to shower with you.
Me: Haike.
He finishes up and goes to the bathroom
while I get dressed.
I am starving.
It’s now around 2pm, and I assume we’re
driving to a restaurant.
Me: Are you trying to kill me?
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m starving, Nkanyezi!
He chuckles and focuses on the road.
We’re driving to Zoo Lake.
Him: I just need to meet someone quickly.
Me: Derek!
Him: It won’t even take 5 minutes!
I look at him angrily.
Him: I promise!
We get out of the car and begin walking.
Me: I’m tired of your people. This is the
last time.
Him: Offensive much?
Me: I don’t care how you take it.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Him: Hungry Lion.
Me: Argh.
We get to a spot, where there aren’t
people. There’s a girl standing under
some tree.
Derek: Sindi.
Sindi smiles and hugs him.
There’s a blanket, and a cute picnic
setup...
Derek: Thanks.
Sindi: You owe me!
She looks at me and smiles.
Sindi: Bye.
She walks off, and I’m just standing there,
confused.
Derek: Sit, and eat.
I look at the setup.
Me: Is this for us?
Him: Yes.
Me: Aww this is so cute!
Him: Cute? Come on now.
Me: Delightful! Charming! Lovely!
Enchanting!
He laughs.
Me: Aww man, thank you!
I give him a hug and sit down. A girl has
got to eat.
Me: Who was that girl?
He sits down.
Him: My cousin, Sindi.
He opens up the food and dishes up for us.
Me: Thank you.
Him: You’re welcome.
We begin eating.
I’ve decided that I won’t mention
Nomvuyo’s call. She’ll be my secret spy...
Me: So... Can we please discuss how we’re
going to make this work?
He looks at me in shock.
Me: What?
Him: I didn’t think you’d be the one to
start this conversation.
Me: Listen, things are great and shit, but
I’m still realistic.
He nods.
Me: So what are we going to do at work?
Him: You just have to stop looking at me
with puppy eyes.
Me: Excuse me??
He laughs.
Me: You are the one who stares at me
with the soggy eyes. Please check
yourself.
He sighs.
Him: I do, don’t I?
Me: So does this mean we can’t interact?
Him: I think we should stay away from
each other as much as possible. I’m afraid
I can’t control
the way I look at you.
I blush.
Him: Am I supposed to look at you like
you’re some enemy?
Me: Maybe try to imagine me in a negative
way.
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Him: The bottom line is that we should
keep it as professional as possible...
I nod.
Him: I’m thinking of telling Camille about
us.
Me: What??
Him: She’s a close friend.
Me: What if she tattles?
Him: She would never.
I sigh.
Him: It would make things easier.
Me: You think?
He nods.
Him: I’ve known her for years. I trust her.
Me: I’m not comfortable with that...
Him: You’re not?
I nod.
Him: Okay... Let’s see how this week
goes...
Me: Sounds like a plan.
We continue eating and chatting.
Honestly, I am very interested to see how
this work dynamic is going to turn out...
INSERT 32 (Couldn’t edit)
It’s now Monday and I am actually having
a great day.
Lol life is good.
I’ve been cooped up in my class, teaching
my babies happily.
During lunchtime, I’m in the staffroom
warming up my food. Zama, Lwazi and
two other
teachers are there.
Derek walks in.
Zama: Mr N, we’re having a debate here,
and I think we need a man’s perspective.
Derek: What’s up?
I decide to add an extra minute for my
food; I don’t want to be part of this
conversation.
Zama: So we’re having a discussion about
marriage... I personally think people
should move in
together before they get married, and
these three think moving in will just delay
the marriage
process.
Lwazi: What do you think?
Derek: I think it depends on how
traditional you are...
Zama: Elaborate.
Derek: Well if you’re a traditional couple,
you won’t live together before getting
marriage
because you think it’s a sin.
Lwazi: And it is a sin!
Derek: However, I think moving in
together for a while will allow you to
learn different things
about each other. That learning process
might be a deal breaker for one of you, so
it will be less
complicated to leave because you aren’t
married, you know?
Zama: Exactly!
They continue to discuss this and I get my
food. Derek is now walking towards the
microwave. I
can smell him. My stomach churns.
Him: Ms Dlamini.
Me: Hey.
Him: Your food looks delicious.
I chuckle.
Me: I have a personal chef.
Him: Is it?
Me: Yep.
I make my way out and walk to my class.
I’m not trying to have a staring contest
with Nkanyezi,
because people will notice. What I will do
though, is chow the food he cooked for
me.
***
It’s now after school, and I can’t wait to go
home. I just want to watch TV with my
parents and
sleep. I miss them. As I am packing up,
there’s a knock on my door.
Me: Come in.
Derek walks in and I have to stop myself
from wrapping my hands around him.
Honestly, this
professionalism thing is not going to be
easy.
Derek: Hi, Ms Dlamini.
Me: Mr N.
He smiles and I pull myself towards
myself.
Derek: Had a good day?
Me: Yes, and you?
Him: It was okay...
I finish packing my things and he frowns.
Him: Leaving already?
Me: Yep. See you later, alligator.
I quickly walk out and yell for Zama to
hurry up. Within 5 minutes, she’s out and
we’re walking
to the taxi rank.
I don’t want to be tempted to do some
crazy crap at work. Furthermore, I need a
break from
Nkanyezi, so I can break away from his
spell a bit.
Zama: How was your weekend,
sthandwa?
Me: It was great yazi.
Her: Mine was also great.
Me: Really? What did you get up to?
Her: Hubby took me to Haarties.
Me: Aww how sweet!
She smiles and rubs her belly.
Her: He tries shame yena...
We continue chatting, and I listen to her
marriage stories. *rolls eyes*
***
It’s now Wednesday, and I am still feeling
fantastic. I’ve been avoiding Derek as
much as
possible, and he’s being such a baby...
I thought I would be the clingy one, but
hai umuntu is doing the most. Can I say
he’s my man
now? Are we there yet? *blushes*
As I am packing up and getting ready to
leave, he comes in my class and shuts the
door.
Me: Hey stranger danger.
I laugh when he rolls his eyes.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: I don’t like this...
I chuckle as he steps closer to me.
Me: Don’t you dare touch me! I am not
trying to get fired!
I move away and he stops and looks at me
sadly.
Him: Are you enjoying this?
Me: Go away.
I quickly get my bag and rush out of the
classroom...
I guess this is how it is. I’m going to spend
my time here running away from him.
***
That night when I was busy journaling, I
get a call from him.
Me: Hello.
Derek: You are evil.
I chuckle.
Me: Just because I can shut my emotions,
it doesn’t been I’m evil, Nkanyi.
He groans dramatically and I laugh.
Him: Pack an overnight bag tomorrow.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Pack an overnight bag, Ziyanda. I’m
tired of this shit.
Me: Uhm feisty much?
Him: Ziyanda don’t test me. I’m even
considering driving to Soweto right now.
Me: Geesh relax, tiger.
I continue laughing at him.
Him: I’m glad to know that this is
entertaining.
I listen to him complain for a few more
minutes.
Me: Are you okay?
He sighs.
Him: I miss you.
Me: I miss you too.
Him: Please pack an overnight bag?
Me: What will I even say to my parents?
It’s during the week, and I don’t usually
sleep out.
Him: Tell them you’re going to Niki’s or
something.
Me: Niki literally lives around the corner.
He moans and I laugh.
Me: I’ll see what I can do...
Him: Okay.
We continue chatting until I doze off...
***
It’s now Thursday. I have managed to
avoid him this whole week, and I am
proud of myself. I
know he’s suffering, but he’ll get over it
eventually. During lunchtime, I go to his
office and
knock.
Derek: Come in.
I walk in and close the door.
Me: Hi, Mr N.
I smile warmly and he looks up from his
work.
I walk to him and he stands and wraps his
arms around me.
Him: I miss you.
We stand there for a while, until he
eventually kisses me. I must admit, I
missed him as well.
Him: Are you good?
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: I’m not.
He pouts and I giggle.
Me: Stop being a baby.
Him: But I miss you.
He squeezes me and nuzzles his head on
my neck.
Him: Did you pack an overnight bag?
Me: Say what now?
He freezes and lets go of me.
Him: Ziyanda.
Me: Hmm?
Him: Did you?
Me: Huh?
He lets go of me and looks at me angrily.
Him: Go away from me.
Me: But-
He gives me one look and I know he’s not
about my life right now. I make my way
out of the
office, and go to the bathroom.
I made him angry!
I just wanted us to go a week without
being in each other’s spaces, so we can get
used to this...
I didn’t mean any harm.
I go back to my class, and find my babies
there. At least they’ll distract me...
Just as I am packing my things, I get an
sms.
It’s from him.
Derek: Please come to my office.
Zama is busy with something in her class
and she says it’s going to take her 30
minutes max. I
tell her I’ll wait for her outside...
I make my way to D’s office and close the
door.
Him: Lock it.
I do as I am told.
I walk towards him, and he stands. I walk
to his side.
Him: You’ve made me angry.
Me: I know.
He grunts.
Me: D, this is all for the best. We have one
week left of school! We have the
December holidays
to be love struck. We need to establish a
professional working rela-
He slams himself against me, and before I
know it, my butt is pressed against his
desk. I try to
keep it together, but my body is not
playing along. I turn into jelly instantly.
He kisses me strongly and I wrap my legs
around him.
Damit my body really missed this man.
After a quick pounding session, I am now
fixing my dress. He sits down and looks at
me with a
smile on his face.
Me: Uhm I’ll see you... tomorrow.
Him: Bye, baby.
I carefully walk out and make my way to
the bathroom. I fix myself...
Why is Derek doing this? Now I just want
more of him. Did he do this on purpose?
I go to Zama’s class and find her packing
up.
Me: Done?
Zama: Yes, love.
I wait for her and then we walk out. We
bump into Derek.
Zama: Bye Mr N!
Derek: See you tomorrow, ladies.
Zama: One more week and we’re done for
the year!
Derek: Hmm...
I’m very angry at him, and I can tell he
knows, because he has that stupid smug
smile of his.
Zama and I walk out and vent about our
day. Zama is one of those people who are
so
self-consumed that they don’t even pay
attention to what’s happening around
them. I love
listening to her because she never tries to
get me to open up and shit.
When I get home, I see a few texts and
missed calls from Derek. I decide to
ignore his
inconsiderate ass.
INSERT 33 (Couldn’t edit)
That Friday as I get to work, I am still very
much pissed at Nkanyezi. I can’t believe
he used sex
to make me crave him like that! How low!
My babies run to me as usual and take my
bag to my class. They go back to the
playground and
I thank them for their service.
As I walk into my class, I find a basket on
my desk. I open the wrap, and find all of
my favourite
things: Pringles, Speckled Eggs, Biltong
and a few other things.
What’s happening?
I take the card, and it reads:
Zizi,
I apologise for yesterday. However, you
were partly to blame, because you
decided to not bring
an overnight bag when I asked so kindly.
Will you forgive me?
Love,
Your Star
If he thinks this shit will make me feel
better, he’s wrong... Well, I am a bit happy
that he got
everything I like, but still! Petty is not
letting this go!
I put the card in my bag, because I know
Zama is going to walk in here. I can’t have
people
know my business.
Anyway, I make my way out just in time
for assembly.
I see him from a distance, and my heart
skips a beat. I can never get over how
handsome he is.
He’s perfect.
Once we’re done with assembly, he walks
to me and smiles. I keep a straight face,
just in case
anyone is watching. It seems like I’m the
only one who cares about my job! This
fool is too
chilled.
Derek: Good morning, Ms Dlamini.
Me: Morning.
Him: How are you?
Me: Great.
I get my kids to quieten down and then
lead them to class. I don’t have time for
Derek right
now.
***
It’s now lunchtime, and I am in my class
sending a few emails to parents about
final exams.
Someone knocks, and I tell them to come
in. Lebo, the receptionist, walks in.
Lebo: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes.
I really don’t like her.
Lebo: There’s a delivery for you.
I frown and she walks away. I’m sure
she’s just annoyed that she had to walk all
the way to my
class to tell me this. Anyway, I get up and
make my way to the reception area. Some
guy is
standing there with a brown paper bag.
Guy: Ziyanda?
Me: Yes.
Guy: This is for you.
Me: From?
He looks at me weirdly and hands me the
paper bag before walking off. Mxm how
rude.
I walk back to my class, knowing very
well that Nkanyezi has something to do
with this.
He got me a burger. A scrumptious
burger.
I smile lightly as my tummy grumbles. I
didn’t even bring lunch today, so this is
just perfect. I
eat half of it and feel much better. A
hungry Ziyanda is a vulture... At least he
tamed me a bit.
I get my shit together and get ready to
teach...
***
It’s now after school and I am finally
knocking off! I am exhausted, but overall I
had a good
week. I am also excited that I’m done
teaching. The kids will be busy with
assessments next
week. I’m also thankful that marking
won’t be a train smash because this is
relatively a small
school.
Zama walks in my class.
Zama: Babe, are we leaving together?
Me: No, friend.
She smiles mischievously.
Zama: You found another sex buddy?
Me: Yep.
Her: How I wish!
She says goodbye and leaves...
As I clean up my classroom, I get a text
from Derek, whom I managed to avoid
throughout the
day.
Derek: Let me know when you’re ready to
go home.
Me: If by “home” you mean my parents’
house, then sure- I will let you know.
I chuckle. I’m going to play hard to get.
This one did me wrong yesterday, and I
don’t forgive
easily.
My phone beeps.
Derek: Please don’t do this. I love you, and
I miss you.
Swoons!
I begin packing up.
My phone beeps again.
Derek: I’m sorry about yesterday. I was
frustrated.
I don’t respond.
I finish packing up and as I’m about to
make my way out, my door opens and he
walks in and
closes the door.
Derek: Are you leaving?
He looks at me all sad and shit.
Me: Let’s go...
His face immediately softens and he steps
closer to me.
Me: Check yourself.
He stops and turns.
Me: 5 minutes, Ngidi!
He walks out and I smile. Every Friday,
people knock off right on time hey. As
soon as the clock
strikes 3pm, people are gone and the
school is empty...
I walk to Derek’s office and find Camille
there.
Camille: Hey Ziyanda.
Me: Hey...
Camille: D, I’ll see you on Sunday.
Derek: Cool.
Camille: Have a great weekend, Ziyanda.
Me: Thanks, you too.
They share a hug and she walks out. Our
school leaders have an open door policy,
so teachers
can literally come in and out of their
offices. This is why people haven’t
suspected anything.
I watch as he packs up and cleans his
space, which is already clean.
He finishes up and we walk out of the
office, and he locks up the school. We then
get in his car
and he drives off.
Derek: Am I taking you home first?
Me: Yes.
He nods and focuses on the road.
I take a nap and he wakes me up when we
get to my house.
Me: I’ll be back.
He nods.
Just as I am getting out, my dad walks to
the car and I cringe.
Dad: Ziyanda, let me have a word with
this Uber driver of yours! I really want to
get a car, and
get someone to drive. Make extra money,
you know?
Me: Huh??
I look at Derek in shock, and he is also
shocked.
My dad walks to the other side of the car,
Derek’s side.
He knocks lightly on the window and my
heart stops beating. I am ready to die!
Derek opens the window and my dad
bends.
Dad: Hello...
Derek clears his throat.
Lord!
Derek: Hi, sir.
Dad: Awusho, how do I apply to be a
driver for this Uber thing?
Really??
Derek: Uhm... The website.
Is it really the website? This is so
awkward!
Dad: Hmm... Write it down for me, please.
My daughter tells me you people make
money...
Derek smiles awkwardly and scratches
his chin.
Me: Uhm I know the website, dad... He has
to go. Phela he has other trips.
Dad: How does it work?
Me: I’ll explain it to you.
Dad: But I want to get the explanation
from him, seeing as-
Me: Don’t worry! Woza!
I quickly get out of the car and get my dad.
Me: You have to call their customer care
first angithi...
Dad: Is it?
Me: Yes!
We walk in the yard and I continue
entertaining him with lies! Lies, I tell you!
Once inside, he gets distracted and
focuses on his pap that almost got burnt. I
pack up my
things and rush out. I had already told
them that I was spending the weekend
elsewhere so
there was no need to explain myself.
I get in the car.
Me: Drive, now!
He does as he is told and once we’re out of
my neighbourhood, I sigh heavily and sink
on my
seat.
Me: Shit.
He chuckles.
Him: Talk about awkward...
Me: Zip it, Uber driver!
He laughs and I join him...
INSERT 34
We drive to his place in Maboneng.
Me: Did you manage to get the property?
He looks at me.
Derek: Yes.
Me: Well that’s good. Congratulations.
We get to his place, and chill at the
balcony.
Me: I feel like going out tonight.
He gives me a weird look.
Me: Yini?
Him: You’re random.
Me: I’m serious.
Him: What do you want to do?
Me: I don’t know.
Him: But I want you all to myself. It’s been
a rough week.
I laugh and wrap my arms around him.
Me: Such a baby.
He plants kisses on my face and squeezes
me.
Him: We’ll go out tomorrow. I want to
cuddle tonight.
Me: Gosh.
He continues being all touchy until his
phone rings.
Him: It’s Dean...
He answers.
Him: Dean... Yes, I’m at my place in Mabo...
No, man I don’t want to go out... Ya, I’m
with her...
He chuckles.
Him: Okay... I’ll get back to you...
He hangs up and I look at him.
Him: Dean wants to meet. He says he can’t
stand being in that house.
Me: Kanti why are they this side anyway?
Him: Nolwazi is about to give birth. Her
parents want her this side.
Me: So Dean doesn’t have a say?
Him: He’s been planning on moving this
side anyway.
Me: Hmm.
Him: He just doesn’t like sharing his
space.
Me: Shame uzoqina. That’s what he gets
for knocking up Nolwazi.
Him: You are so mean.
I roll my eyes and he holds me again.
Me: You can go out.
Him: Angifuni.
Me: I really don’t mind...
Just then, my phone rings, and I recognise
the number. I answer.
Me: Hello.
Person: Hi Zi, it’s Vuvu.
Me: Hey, unjani?
Nomvuyo: Ngiyaphila. Are you with
Derek?
Me: Yes, is everything okay?
Her: Yes, is he going out with the guys?
The guys? I thought it was just Dean.
Me: He hasn’t really confirmed.
Her: I wanted to invite you to my house
for dinner...
Me: Oh...
She is really random, hey.
Me: I’ll talk to D, and let you know.
Her: Alright. Bye.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and look at Derek weirdly.
Him: What’s up?
Me: That was Nomvuyo.
He frowns.
Him: Really?
I tell him about the call and he sighs.
Him: Are you comfortable with going to
her?
Me: I don’t mind.
Of course I don’t mind. Mrs Gossip Girl
will give me more important details.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: I told you I want to go out. This is fine,
really.
He nods.
Him: Let me call Dean then...
He calls Dean and tells him he’s available.
He stands up and then looks at me.
Him: Come.
I follow him inside and we go to the
bedroom.
Him: I’ve been thinking...
Me: Yes?
Him: You need to bring some of your
clothes here... You should have clothes
this side, and my
other apartment.
I chuckle.
Him: Secondly, don’t ever do what you did
this week.
I laugh and he sulks.
Me: You are so dramatic.
Him: I’m serious, Zi. I missed you and you
dismissed me.
Me: Will you ever forgive me for that shit?
Him: I doubt.
He makes me sit on his lap.
Me: I’m sorry neh?
He nods and I plant a kiss on his lips.
Me: I’ll bring as many clothes as you
want! You want me to move in? I’ll move
in! You want me
to have your kids and marry you? I will do
it all!
Him: Stop mocking me.
I laugh and plant another kiss on his lips.
Me: On a serious note though, I’ll bring
some clothes.
He smiles.
Me: Can you believe I was planning on
moving in with Lwazi?
Him: Really? What happened?
Me: I didn’t feel her.
Him: I’m glad you didn’t.
Me: FYI it would have been convenient for
you if I moved in with her because it’s
closer to your
place that side.
Him: I love that you live with your
parents. I know you’re loved and safe
there.
Me: Aww!
We then got ready for our evening...
***
We make our way inside Nomvuyo and
Liwa’s house and I marvel at how lovely it
is...
Me: You people are rich huh?
Derek: Just a little bit...
We walk in, and Nomvuyo welcomes us.
She really is beautiful... She makes a plain
white t-shirt
and leggings, seem like couture...
Nomvuyo: Sanibonani.
We share a hug and then she hugs Derek.
Me: How are you?
Nomvuyo: Relieved... My daughter just
went to her grandma’s house.
Derek: Is Zimi this side?
Nomvuyo: She got here this morning.
Derek: How is she?
Nomvuyo: Uyajola.
Derek: No surprise there...
They both laugh.
Nomvuyo: She’s never been one to not
have men chasing after her.
We walk in and she leads us to the lounge.
Derek: I’m just dropping off Zizi. I’ll fetch
her later.
Nomvuyo: Liwa is still at the office, but he
said he’ll meet you there.
Derek: No problem.
Nomvuyo: See you later then.
Derek looks at me.
Nomvuyo: You’ll find me in the kitchen, Zi.
She walks off and Derek wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Ditto.
We share a hug and a kiss.
Derek: See you later.
Me: Enjoy yourself. Don’t act like a lost
puppy.
He chuckles and kisses me again.
Him: Bye, baby.
Me: Bye.
He lets go of me and walks out of the car. I
sigh. I miss him already.
I walk to the kitchen and find Nomvuyo
stirring a pot.
Nomvuyo: Uhambile umuntu wakho?
Me: Yep.
Her: He is really lovesick huh?
Me: I guess.
She looks at me.
Her: You have told each other, right?
Me: That we love each other?
She nods.
Me: Yes.
Her: Good.
She finishes stirring and then closes the
pot.
Her: Should be ready in 10 minutes.
Would you like something to drink?
Me: Yes, please.
She leads me to the bar, and I’m amazed.
There’s everything an alcoholic needs.
Me: Wine?
Her: Alright.
She leads me to the wine cellar and asks
me what I would like. I tell her to choose
anything
good, and she chooses red wine. We walk
back to the lounge.
I can’t stop staring at her.
I think I have a crush on Nomvuyo.
I have a girl crush.
She pours me a glass.
Me: What about you?
She rolls her eyes and sighs.
Her: I’m pregnant.
My eyes pop out.
Me: What??
She groans.
Her: I don’t want this baby... It’s for Liwa.
Me: Does he know?
She shakes her head.
Her: He’s been bothering me for a while
now.
Me: How far along are you?
Her: I don’t know. I’m only seeing my
doctor next week.
Me: What made you think you’re
pregnant?
Her: I know my body...
Me: Geesh.
She sighs.
Her: We’ll see...
Me: I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.
Her: You don’t know him... He’ll be
dramatic.
I laugh.
Her: So do you think Derek is the one?
I almost choke on my drink. I didn’t
expect that.
Me: Uhm...
She smiles.
Her: You don’t have to answer... However,
you must think about it.
I take a sip of my wine.
Her: When I found out about Nyami, I was
so shocked...
Me: Really? She wasn’t planned?
Her: What? My baby was definitely not
planned. Liwa was also in a relationship
with some stray
dog.
I laugh.
Her: I resent her.
I continue laughing.
Me: So you didn’t know you were
pregnant?
Her: Nope. I guess we forgot to use
protection, because I don’t remember
being-
And then the world stops.
Every-fucken-thing-stops-fucken-moving.
I keep hearing her say my name, but I am
now panicking.
I put down the wine and stand.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda!
I start pacing around the space.
Nomvuyo: Zi!
I’m crying.
I’m crying uncontrollably.
I’m panicking.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda!
I feel her shake me, and I stare at her.
She’s also panicking.
Me: We forgot...
Her: Ziyanda?
Me: Oh my God! We forgot the pills! We
forgot to use a condom!
Yhu I cry all over again.
What have I done?
How could I be so stupid??
My parents?
What have I done??
INSERT 35
Nomvuyo is now forcing me to drink
water.
Me: What if I’m pregnant?!
Nomvuyo: I need you to calm down...
I feel her brushing my back and I take a
few deep breaths. I eventually calm down,
and look at
her.
Nomvuyo: When was this?
Me: Last weekend, and yesterday.
She sighs.
Her: We can’t even use a pregnancy test
to find out.
Me: Why?
Her: It’s too soon.
I sink on the couch and huff heavily.
Me: What am I going to do?
Her: Ziyanda, calm down.
Me: Calm down? Nomvuyo, do I look like I
am ready to have a baby?!
She keeps quiet.
Me: Call, Derek. Tell him to come, now!
Her: There’s noth-
Me: Nomvuyo, please don’t. I’m not in the
mood to listen to a prep-talk.
She sighs.
Her: There’s nothing any of you can do.
I look at her angrily.
Her: When are you supposed to be on
your period?
Me: Next week.
Her: Okay, let’s wait until then. You can
even come with me to my doctor and we
can both do
our blood tests.
She smiles and I sigh.
Me: I’m not ready to be a mother. I can’t! I
won’t!
Her: So what will you do-
Me: Don’t even go there, please.
She sighs and nods.
Her: At least you have a solid career.
Me: I am not ready, Nomvuyo! Physically!
Mentally! Emotionally! Zonke!
She keeps quiet.
Me: My parents are going to kill me... I am
going to die...
Her: Let’s not over think, okay?
I sigh heavily and she stands and pulls me
up.
Her: Let’s eat.
We walk to the kitchen and I watch her
dish up for us. We then walk out to the
veranda.
Her: Ziyanda, the world is not going to
end. Stop stressing.
Me: Do you have a pregnancy test?
Her: Ziyanda-
Me: Nomvuyo, give me a pregnancy test!
Her: Love, listen...There’s no use taking it.
You need at least 8 days.
I sigh and reach for the wine, and then I
remember that I COULD be pregnant.
Me: Fuck.
I try to eat, but end up losing my appetite.
Me: I can’t focus right now.
She takes my plate and comes back with a
cup of tea.
Her: Woza. I think you need to take a nap.
She leads me up the stairs and we walk
into a bedroom. She puts down the cup of
tea and then
prepares the bed. I get in and she gives
me the tea.
I have never thought of having children.
This is the first time I’m confronted with
such.
I take a sip and she sits on the edge and
watches me.
Once I’m done, she takes the cup and I
settle in. I check my phone and see a
message from
Derek, telling me that he misses me.
I close my eyes and pray that this is just a
wakeup call from the universe. I’m not
trying to have
a baby right now. I have learnt my lesson.
Sex is bad. Sex gets you kids. I have learnt
my lesson,
I will stop having sex!
I doze off...
***
When I wake up, I hear loud laughter...
I try not to think about why I was put to
sleep in the first place.
I walk down the stairs...
Derek, Liwa, Dean and two other men are
in the lounge watching a soccer match.
They’re loud. A bit too loud.
Where is Nomvuyo?
As soon as Derek sees me, he jumps up
and staggers towards me.
Wait a minute, is this one drunk?
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Are they that drunk? Geesh.
Derek wraps his arms around me and
plants kisses all over my face.
Him: The love of my life...
I am really not in the mood for this. I need
him to sober so I can tell him about this
nonsense.
Him: Baby, do you understand how much
I love you?
Suddenly there’s noise and chaos.
It seems like there’s a team that scored or
whatever.
Derek squeezes me and I just look at him
blankly.
Him: Baby.
He is so drunk. Like, I can’t deal right now.
Nomvuyo: Derek, go sit with your friends.
Derek: No.
Nomvuyo: Please don’t make me ask
again.
He lets go of me and staggers back to his
fellow drunkards.
Gosh.
Nomvuyo takes my hand and we walk to
the kitchen. I’m shocked to see Nolwazi.
It seems like she grew even bigger.
Nolwazi: I can’t believe you guys had
dinner without me!
I don’t respond.
I have bigger shit to worry about. There’s
a possibility that I’m also going to be in
her position.
The mere thought of that makes me want
to cry. Nomvuyo gives me a bottle of
water and I
drink it.
Nolwazi: Zi, what’s wrong?
I look at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: She has a headache.
Nolwazi: Aww man, sorry. Did you give
her something?
Nomvuyo nods and I sit on one of the high
stools.
Nolwazi: These men are so drunk.
Nomvuyo grunts angrily.
Nomvuyo: Annoying nje.
Nolwazi: I’ve never seen Dean this drunk.
Nomvuyo: Konje he was your boss...
Nomvuyo! This woman is so spicy!
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Is that what he is telling you
people?
Nomvuyo: Kanti what’s the story?
I have to stop myself from laughing.
Here’s the Gossip Girl that I love.
Nolwazi: We’re equals... The only reason
it seems like he’s my boss is that he is a
man and I am
a woman. That’s how it is in the corporate
world.
Nomvuyo: Hmm I’ll stick to being a
housewife.
I find myself chuckling. It is very clear
that Nomvuyo doesn’t particularly like
Nolwazi. I wonder
why...
Nomvuyo: Are you hungry?
Nolwazi: Can I have some nuts?
Nomvuyo: Okay.
Nomvuyo walks away...
Nolwazi then looks at me and smiles.
She’s just like Liwa, but she’s not out
there. She’s a very
kind and lovable woman.
Nomvuyo comes back with a packet of
nuts.
Nolwazi: Thank you.
Just then, I feel someone wrapping their
arms around me.
Derek doesn’t understand that now is not
the time?
Nolwazi: Weeh.
Derek: Baby, let’s go home.
Nomvuyo: Ungazobheda wena. You’re not
going anywhere this drunk.
Derek groans.
I shift and he lets go of me.
Nolwazi: Go away. We don’t talk to drunk
men.
Nomvuyo: Hamba, please.
Derek: Sour and bitter...
He kisses me and walks away...
Ngiphethwe yi-stress yazi and lesdakwa is
not helping right now. I can’t right now. I
just can’t.
Nolwazi: I need to sleep...
Nomvuyo: Woza...
As Nolwazi stands, she frowns.
Nolwazi: Oops.
Nomvuyo: Yini?
Nolwazi: Uhm...
She laughs innocently.
Nolwazi: I think my water just broke...
Nomvuyo walks to her and sure enough,
there’s water on the tiles.
Sweet baby Jesus!
I sit there, frozen. This cannot be
happening right now.
Nomvuyo: Okay. Are you experiencing
any pains?
Nolwazi: Not really.
Nomvuyo: Let’s take you to the hospital.
Nolwazi looks at me and smiles.
Nolwazi: Breathe, Zizi.
I think I’m too young for all of this shit.
They walk to the lounge and I don’t move
an inch.
I hear silence...
Out of nowhere there’s rowdiness.
Dean: WHAT?!
Liwa: OH SHIT!
The rowdiness continues.
Nomvuyo: Shut the fuck up! All of you!
There’s silence again.
Nomvuyo: I am driving her to the
hospital...
Derek: Where’s Ziya-
Nomvuyo: Shut up.
Silence.
Nomvuyo: I need all of you to get your
shit together. Nolwazi is not experiencing
any pains, so
we can all calm down.
I stand and walk to the lounge and see
everyone standing.
These men are so drunk, but now they’re
busy pretending they’re sober. If I was not
going
through the most, I’d be laughing at this
scene.
Nolwazi is now busy on her phone.
Why is she so calm?
Derek staggers towards me.
Derek: Baby, did you hear the good news?
Nang’omunye...
It’s obviously going to be a long night...
INSERT 36
We’re now driving to the hospital. We get
there, and Nolwazi is taken to her room,
so the doctor
can check her. Nomvuyo goes with her,
and the rest of us are sitting in some fancy
lounge area.
I’m sure I’ll give birth at Bara...
I really need Derek right now, and he is
not here. Yes, he’s here physically, but this
fool is drunk.
Uphelile. I need him to hold me...
But now, he’s the one resting comfortably
on me...
Dean is trying his best to be sober, and it’s
funny to watch. Whatever they drank, is
defeating
him. I keep looking at him and stopping
myself from laughing. For a man who
always has his
shit together, this is hilarious.
All these men are lying on these couches
ngathi they’re in their houses.
Liwa: Dean, you’re going to be a dad...
There’s silence.
Liwa: I can’t believe this shit...
I’m sure in his mind Liwa thinks he
sounds deep and inspirational, but he’s
out here slurring his
words.
We sit in silence. Derek’s head is now on
my lap. I keep pinching his nose, so he
doesn’t pass
out.
Derek: Baby, you’re hurting me.
Me: Don’t close your eyes.
Derek: I’m just going to close them for five
minutes. I promise.
I sigh and let him be. The others seem to
have passed out as well.
So is this my life? I’m just going to sit here
and guard grown ass drunks?
Just then, I hear voices and snap out of my
stressful thoughts.
I see Nolwazi’s mom.
Thandeka: Hi Zizi, what’s going on here?
Me: They’re drunk.
She hisses and looks around... You’d
swear a massacre took place. Five men
lying there like
they’re done with this thing called life.
Thandeka: Dean must just be grateful that
Lwazi’s father will only join us in the
morning.
I keep quiet. Angizingeni ke lezi.
Thandeka: So why are you sitting here?
Me: Uhm...
Thandeka: You’re not going to babysit old
men... Woza...
I carefully reposition Derek and then
follow Nolwazi’s mother to Nolwazi’s
room. She’s so calm.
We get there and find Nolwazi sitting on
the edge of the bed.
Nolwazi: Mommy!
Thandeka: Baby.
Nolwazi smiles and Thandeka hugs her
daughter.
Thandeka: What’s the scoop?
Nolwazi sighs.
Nolwazi: I still have a very long way to
go...
Nomvuyo: She’s nowhere near ready to
give birth.
Thandeka nods.
Nolwazi: However, I want to stay here
once... Considering my history of stress,
the doctor
suggests I stick around vele.
Thandeka: How long do we have to wait?
Nolwazi: Probably 24 hours.
Thandeka nods thoughtfully.
Thandeka: Your father will be here in the
morning.
Nolwazi nods.
Thandeka: And at least Dean and his
tavern people will sober up.
Tavern people? I know she’s not talking
about my star.
Nolwazi laughs and lies comfortably on
the bed.
Nolwazi: I thought I would freak out...
She smiles at Nomvuyo.
Nolwazi: Nomvuyo, you’re a life saver.
Thank you.
Nomvuyo: It’s a pleasure.
Nolwazi then looks at me.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry you got dragged into
all of this.
I clear my throat.
Me: It’s okay.
Thandeka: My suggestion right now is
that I go back to the house to prepare and
get your
things. Nomvuyo and Zizi can stay with
you.
Nolwazi: No problem.
Thandeka: I’ll also get stuff for those men,
because they’ll be a mess when they wake
up.
Nolwazi: Sounds like a plan.
Thandeka: Okay then, I should be back in
a few hours.
Nolwazi: Thank you, mommy.
They share another hug, and I can’t help
but smile. Nolwazi’s like a little girl next
to her mommy.
Cute.
Nomvuyo: I just need some fresh air...
Thandeka nods.
I decide to walk out with Nomvuyo.
Me: Wait for me phela. I’m pregnant and
can’t walk fast.
She smiles as I catch up. We then make
our way outside. The cold breeze hits me
and I wince.
Nomvuyo: What a night.
Me: What a fucken night...
We chuckle.
Nomvuyo: These babies just had to make
their debut today, when those men are
drunk...
Me: Good timing...
We sit on a bench.
Her phone rings and she answers.
Nomvuyo: Hello?... Ivy...
She laughs for a good minute. I’ve never
heard her laugh like this. She must love
this Ivy
person...
Nomvuyo: Okay then, bye... Love you too...
She ends the call and sighs lightly.
Me: Why are you such a bitch?
She looks at me in shock. Surely she has
heard this before, so why is she acting
surprised?
Me: You’re a bitch.
She’s still looking at me in shock and I
shrug.
Me: I’m not judging you though... But
you’re a bitch.
We’re silent for a while and she
eventually chuckles.
Her: I don’t want to be a bitch.
Me: She says sarcastically...
She laughs and looks at me.
Her: You’re also a bitch.
Me: I know. I fully own it.
Her: Oh wow.
Me: I’m not a fan of people. They drive me
crazy.
Her: They’re annoying, aren’t they?
Me: Argh.
We laugh quietly.
Me: So why exactly do you dislike
Nolwazi?
Her: What??
Me: Oh please Vuvu. Save that gasp for Dr.
Phil...
She laughs.
Her: It’s not that I don’t like her...
Me: Hmm...
Her: I’m just getting used to her.
Me: Hmkay.
Her: But her younger sister and I get
along.
Me: Is it?
Her: Part of you reminds me of her. She’s
also dramatic.
I sigh.
Me: Bitchy and dramatic... Girl, we’ve got
to change.
We continue chatting for a while...
***
It’s now 7am. Nomvuyo and I crashed in
Nolwazi’s room. My whole body is achy
and I know my
mood won’t be chirpy. I just want to go
home.
Why are my weekends with Derek so
dramatic?
I go to the bathroom to freshen up a bit.
God bless these VIP hospitals, hey. A girl
can only dream.
Just then, the door opens...
Nazoke.
Dean runs to Nolwazi and the rest of the
crew follows.
They are so predictable.
Dean: Nolwazi. Baby, are you fine? What’s
going on? When d-
Nolwazi: Woooah can we chill a bit.
They’re all surrounding her bed, except
for Derek.
Where is Derek?
Dean: What happened? When did you get
here?
Nolwazi: You seriously can’t remember?
Liwa: Where the fuck is my wife? Is she
fine?
Now Liwa is panicking. He looks at me
and I don’t say anything. I’m
overwhelmed as fuck.
I decide to ignore him and walk out. I
need to get out of here.
How am I losing my sleep over these
people? Heck, I also have my own crap to
deal with!
Just as I walk out, Derek yells my name
and rushes to me. Before I know it, I’m
bombarded with
thousands of questions.
I just keep quiet and let him ask these
questions until he is satisfied. Once he’s
done, he
exhales.
Me: Are you done?
He avoids my eyes and looks down, a bit
embarrassed.
Gosh now I feel sorry for him. It’s clear
that a hangover is killing him, but he’s
acting strong.
Also, he seems to be worried about me.
Just then, Nomvuyo approaches us on
thepassage. Liwa walks out of the room
and spots her.
Liwa: Baby!
Nomvuyo gives him one look, and the
bold man instantly becomes a puppy.
Liwa: Vu-
She walks to us and looks at Liwa
uninterestedly.
Nomvuyo: We don’t have time right now.
Nolwazi is probably going to start getting
contractions. Furthermore, her father is
on his way. What I suggest is that instead
of
bombarding us with your foul smells, you
go home and clean yourselves up.
Eisaan.
Liwa: Uhm...
She walks in the room and I look at Derek.
I don’t feel sorry for him anymore!
Derek: Baby-
Me: Zip it, Stinky!
I quickly walk in the room before he tries
to grab me and bewitch me with his usual
spell.
Nomvuyo: Dean, Malusi and Joe, I suggest
you go to the house and freshen up.
Nolwazi’s father
is on hiShe
didn’t even need to finish her sentence.
They were out of that room within a
second.
As soon as they are gone, Nolwazi sighs
lightly.
Nomvuyo: What’s wrong?
Nolwazi: Just a little contraction...
Nomvuyo: Walk around a bit. You’ve been
in bed for a while...
I walk to Nolwazi and help her stand. She
then walks around.
Nomvuyo: I’ll call your mom and doctor...
Nolwazi: Thank you.
Nomvuyo walks out and I sit on the bed
and stare at Nolwazi, who seems to be
groaning more...
I don’t need this negativity in my life. I
cannot deal.
INSERT 37 (Couldn’t edit)
It’s now around 8am and things are
getting a bit intense. Nolwazi’s
contractions are getting
worse...
I decided to exclude myself from this
situation, because firstly- I don’t know
these people like
that, and secondly- I don’t want to be left
more traumatized than I already am.
I am sitting outside, on a bench by the
garden.
Derek: Zi.
I keep quiet. When did he get back?
He sits next to me.
He smells good. However, I am so
overwhelmed right now, that I can’t even
move. The past few
hours have been such a rollercoaster...
I feel him get closer to me and he wraps
his arms around my shoulders. I want to
resist, but I
can’t. I relax next to him and I feel him
relax as well.
Me: I’m not angry.
He keeps quiet and I look at him.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing. I just spent the past two
hours thinking you hate me.
I grunt.
He plants a kiss on my cheek.
Him: I was really drunk.
Me: Drunk is an understatement.
Him: Don’t make me feel worse.
I chuckle.
Me: What the hell did you people drink?
You were finished.
He tightens his hold on me and kisses me
again.
Him: I promise- this is our last dramatic
weekend.
Me: Well, it’s not really your fault.
Him: What the fuck happened?
I go on to tell him about last night, leaving
out my little problem.
Him: Baby, you must be overwhelmed...
I’m sorry.
Me: Kinda...
I feel myself getting emotional at the
thought of being pregnant... When should
I tell him? This
is definitely not the place.
Just then, my phone rings, and I answer it.
Me: Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Where are you?
Me: Outside.
Her: Woza.
Me: Is everything okay?
Her: Ya.
Me: Okay.
I end the call.
Me: Let’s go see how things are going.
He nods and we stand. He then wraps his
arms around me and we share a warm
hug.
Him: I keep putting you in strange
situations.
Me: You do.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay.
He kisses me and I feel my whole body
ignite. I haven’t had sex with him since
that quickie in
his office- and even before that, we hadn’t
done it since the weekend.
He breaks the kiss when he realizes that
we might just end up having sex this
instant.
Him: I think we should leave.
Me: Me too.
He wraps his arms around me and we
walk inside. We make our way to
Nolwazi’s room and
find all of them there. Where is Nolwazi’s
dad kanti? I want to see this man who
scares
everyone.
Nolwazi is on her bed. I can see she’s in
pain, but she seems fine. She’s not acting
like those
people we’ve seen on TV. I’m sure they’ve
medicated her.
I look at these men, and I am amazed. One
wouldn’t even know that they had a rough
night.
Who are these other two konje?
Liwa: Hey Zizi Dlamini.
Me: Hi, Liwa.
Liwa: Have you met our two friends?
He looks at the two men.
Liwa: This is Ziyanda...
One of the men smiles and the other one
chuckles.
Liwa: Ziyanda, this is Malusi, and that is
Joe.
Malusi... He is out here trying, but Derek is
still 2 points ahead. Where do all these
hot men
hide? Geesh!
Joe: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ziyanda.
Malusi: You two work together? Is this a
trend in this group?
Liwa: He’s recently divorced, Zi. Bitter
and divorced.
They all laugh happily.
I can’t help but feel the love in this room.
It’s heart-warming.
I look over at Dean, who is right next to
Nolwazi. These two should just tie the
knot already.
They’re adorable. I still don’t like him
though.
Also, where is Nomvuyo?
I look around.
Derek looks at me questioningly.
Nolwazi: She’s outside.
Liwa: You two have become inseparable
huh?
Nolwazi: At least she likes someone... I
mean, we all know she hates me.
Malusi: The Ice Queen...
They all laugh. I don’t find this funny one
bit. They shouldn’t talk about my girl like
that.
Just then, Nomvuyo walks in with ice
cubes. She walks to the bed and gives the
glass to
Nolwazi who thanks her.
Nomvuyo: The doctor is on her way.
Nolwazi: Okay.
She walks out and Liwa follows her. I also
need some fresh air. I can only take these
people in
small doses. As I close the door, I find
them hugging each other.
Nomvuyo: I’m tired.
Liwa: Let’s go home.
Nomvuyo: And leave Nolwazi alone?
Liwa: Kanti where are the parents?
Nomvuyo: Her mother was busy
preparing the house. They should be here
soon.
She then looks at me and smiles.
Her: Come take a walk with me.
She lets go of Liwa.
Liwa: Are you trying to steal my wife?
I think I am.
I really have a crush on her.
The door opens and Derek walks out.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yes.
Nomvuyo grabs my arm and we walk
away.
Nomvuyo: So clingy.
Me: But I like that.
Nomvuyo: Now is not the time.
I chuckle as she yawns.
Me: You haven’t even slept. How are you
still functioning?
She shrugs.
Her: Strong black woman things.
I laugh.
Me: When is she giving birth?
Her: Probably in a few hours.
We get ourselves some water and go
outside.
Me: So who’ll be taking care of you when
you give birth?
She laughs.
Her: What I know for sure is that no one
except my husband and mother will be
there.
Me: Mother?
She nods.
Her: Zimkitha.
I keep quiet. Konje she doesn’t know that
I know about her life.
Me: So you just want Liwa and Zimkitha?
Her: Yes. I don’t know how Nolwazi is
coping right now with so many people
there. I’d kill all of
them.
Me: Well, she’s more of a people’s person.
Her: Hmm.
After about 15 minutes, we walk back to
the room, and they’re chatting.
Nolwazi looks genuinely happy. I think
back to what Derek told me about her and
how she
thought she was infertile. I’m sure this is a
precious moment for her.
Dean is super quiet.
I think he’s nervous...
Out of nowhere, the door opens and
everyone stops talking.
It’s silent.
A man stands there, and looks around
coolly. He looks just like Mdu... He’s an
older version of
Mdu...
Everyone immediately stands and takes
their things.
One by one, they walk out the door like
little boys, greeting the man on their way
out.
I feel Derek’s hand on mine. He leads me
out and says a low “Sawubona” on our
way out.
Is this Nolwazi’s dad? Geesh.
Once we’re out of the room, everyone
exhales loudly. Dean and Nomvuyo are
still in there.
We then see Thandeka with a 20-
something year old girl walk towards us.
They all greet her with their heads
bowed.
Thandeka: Hai suka.
She walks in the room...
The girl looks at the guys.
Girl: I can’t believe you idiots got drunk
without me!
With that said, she walks in, and the door
is closed...
I think this is the perfect time for us to
leave. The family is here mos...
I want to sleep and be fed by this here
drunkard of mine.
INSERT 38
We get to his loft.
Derek: Take a shower while I cook, okay?
I nod and make my way to the bathroom. I
take a long shower, and I swear I feel 100
times
better.
I put on my pyjamas and get in bed,
dozing off immediately.
***
Derek: Baby.
I groan and he plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Wake up, love. The food is ready.
I blink a couple of times and he plants
another kiss. I sit up and he walks off.
How long have I
been gone? I check the time and it’s
around 1pm.
Derek walks back with a tray and places it
on my lap.
Me: Thank you.
He kisses my forehead.
I deserve to be spoiled right now. After
what I’ve been through, I deserve all of
this pampering.
I groan and he chuckles.
He begins feeding me.
Him: Such a baby...
He continues feeding me until I’m done
eating.
Me: Thank you.
He takes everything back to the kitchen
and comes back with a glass of
chardonnay,
I take a sip and feel my whole body relax
fully...
Me: How is your hangover?
Him: I don’t get that shit.
Me: Hmm lies.
He gets in bed and rests his head on my
thighs.
Just then, his phone rings and he asks me
to reach out and get it. I give it to him and
he
answers.
Him: Hello... Is it?
He smiles.
Him: That’s fantastic... Okay, we’ll see you
soon... Bye...
He hangs up and smiles.
Him: The twins are safe and sound.
I find myself smiling as well. Part of me is
a bit disappointed that I left, but I was too
overwhelmed.
Me: To God be the glory!
Him: Amen!
We laugh and he repositions and wraps
his arms around me.
Him: I love you more every single day...
My insides curl up and I smile.
Him: I think we’ve also established that
my friends love you.
Me: They’re good people.
He places his lips on mine and smiles.
Him: Do you want to know why I love
you?
I keep quiet.
Him: Besides the fact that you’re
stunning, and spectacular...
I giggle.
Him: My heart is now regulated by you...
Swoons!
Him: I love how you’ve managed to show
me your vulnerability... Your moments of
weakness
have made me love you even more.
You’ve let your guard down with me, and
I appreciate that.
Argh. This drunkard of mine.
Him: I hope being around my friends has
given you an idea of who I am...
Me: It has.
He smiles and we start kissing. Within a
few seconds, I’m already panting like an
unfed dog.
This man goes on and makes love to me...
The sweetest love...
As I reach all those climaxes, my heart
continues to open up and let him in.
Being around his friends has really given
me an idea of who he is. They love whole-
heartedly.
These men are not afraid to love their
women openly. They are proud of being
in love. Who
doesn’t want a man like that? A man who
constantly tries to figure you out, so that
you find
yourself living comfortably in your skin?
A man who prioritises your heart, and
tries his best to
keep it safe? Who doesn’t want that?
I certainly want that... And I think I’ve
found it.
Derek is it.
We eventually doze off in each other’s
arms. I wake up in the middle of the night
to pee. He’s up
working on his laptop.
I quickly get up and as I am peeing, I
remember the pregnancy thing, and my
heart rate
increases. I walk back to the bedroom and
get in bed and face the other way.
Him: Baby.
Me: Mmm.
Argh I know I said I deserve to be figured
out and shit, but I don’t want him to figure
out that I’m
freaking out right now.
Him: Zi.
I keep quiet and seconds later, I feel him
pulling me. I reluctantly turn around and
stare at him.
He looks startled and confused.
Him: Angel, what’s wrong?
Me: We haven’t been using condoms...
He looks at me blankly, and then his face
changes, as everything sinks in.
Him: Fuck.
I feel myself getting emotional again.
Him: Shit.
He gets out of bed, and turns to look at
me.
Me: I could be pregnant.
He sits on the edge of the bed and rubs his
forehead thoughtfully.
Him: We have to get those test stick
things.
Me: Nomvuyo says it’s too early to detect
using those. We have to go see a doctor.
Him: Nomvuyo?
Me: I remembered all of this in her
presence last night.
Him: Fuck.
He stands and walks out of the room.
Why is he acting like this?
I know all of this is shocking, but his
reaction is throwing me off a bit.
I get out of bed and find him in the
kitchen, drinking cold water.
Me: Listen here, if you want to break up
with me, then do so!
He gives me a confused look.
Me: I will take care of this kid by myself! I
won’t run after you!
He tries saying something, but he seems
speechless.
I am now an emotional mess.
Me: My parents are going to kill me!
I feel him wrapping his arms around.
Me: I am not ready for a baby! What the
fuck am I going to do?!
Him: Baby, breathe.
I feel an anxiety attack approach. I can’t
breathe at this point.
I don’t even know how I ended up on the
couch. He gives me a glass of water and I
gobble it all
down.
Him: Zi, are you okay now?
I take deep breath and he pulls me closer
to him.
Him: Listen to me, and listen carefully.
He stares at me seriously.
Him: If you think I am going to leave you,
then you’re obviously fucked up.
Well damn.
Him: I’m shocked as fuck right now. I’m
pissed at myself for not being responsible.
He sighs and then looks at me more softly.
Him: I am not going anywhere...
He takes my hand.
Him: I’ll stay, pregnant or not.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: You were having an anxiety attack, I
understand.
I keep quiet.
Him: But don’t ever, even for a split
second, think that I will make you
pregnant and then walk
away. I’m not that fucked up.
Me: I’m sorry.
He nods and then pulls me in for a hug.
Him: We’ll go to a doctor and see what
happens.
Me: Okay.
He kisses my forehead.
We then reposition and I rest my head on
his chest while he brushes my back.
Him: What a weird weekend.
I close my eyes and decide that sleep will
just do the damn thing...
INSERT 39
It’s now Monday, and I don’t know how I
feel about going to work. I still feel like I
didn’t get
enough rest. As I walk in, my kids run to
me as usual, and they tell me how excited
they are that
it’s the last week of school. I go to my
class and prepare my assessments...
It’s now lunchtime and I have not seen or
spoken to Derek. Apparently all the
principals had a
meeting to attend so he would only come
in a bit later... I miss him.
I decide to call him and it takes me
straight to voicemail.
Zama walk in and we have lunch together.
She tastes some of my food and then
looks at me in
shock.
Zama: Who cooked this? This is amazing!
Me: My mom...
Zama: Oh wow, you should invite me for
lunch sometime.
Me: Sure.
Hehe she’ll eat my dad’s pap and chicken,
because my mom sure as hell did not cook
this food.
Just then, my phone rings and I find
myself smiling as I answer.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Hi, baby. How are you?
Me: I’m okay, and you?
Him: I’m miserable.
Me: I know...
We go on to chat for about 5 minutes and
then he tells me that he has to go. I end
the call and
focus on my food.
Zama: Hmm uyajola wena.
Me: I think you’re right yazi.
She squeals in excitement.
Her: Tell me about him!
Gosh Zama, what happened to minding
your business?
Me: There’s nothing to tell...
Her: What does he do for a living?
Me: Accountant.
Kahle kahle this is not a lie. He was an
accountant mos?
Her: Hmm I’m sure he is filthy rich!
I frown.
Me: It’s not about money though.
Her: Oh please. As if you’d date a peasant.
I chuckle.
Me: No, man.
Her: Realistically speaking, you can’t
settle down with someone who won’t be
able to take care
of you in the long run. Yes, love is
important, but once you’re married, you
realise that you need
more...
Me: So wena your husband is rich?
Her: I mean, it’s our money now...
We both laugh.
Her: He’s not filthy rich, but we are well-
off. I don’t have to stress about money.
We’re at that
level.
Me: That’s good.
We hear a knock on my door and I yell for
the person to come in.
Lwazi walks in.
She gets a chair and sits down.
Lwazi: Argh relationships are really tiring.
Nazoke.
I try my best not to roll my eyes.
Zama: What’s wrong?
Zama loves giving people relationship
advice. I’m actually glad she’s here
because it means I
can zone out and think about my man,
while she listens to this nonsense and
gives advice.
Lwazi: He’s been so distant lately...
Zama: Really? Why?
This is the perfect time to zone out...
***
As I’m packing up and getting ready to go
home, my phone rings and I answer.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: I’m still stuck in Pretoria. I thought
I’d be able to see you...
Me: It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.
He grunts.
Him: Let me know when you get home,
okay?
Me: Okay. I love you.
He laughs lightly.
Me: What?
Him: You’ve never said it before me...
Me: Argh whatever. Bye.
Him: I love you too, baby. Bye.
I hang up and finish packing up. I have a
lot of marking to do, so I’m going straight
home, and
locking myself up in the room.
***
The following day, I get to school and go
to my class. I’m not in the mood for
assembly... They
can sketch me...
When I walk in my class, and see
Nkanyenzi sitting on a desk, I squeal
excitedly.
He stands and we share a hug.
Me: I haven’t seen you in 1 day!
We both laugh. This is actually ridiculous.
There are people who don’t see their
partners for
weeks, and we’re out here suffering from
separation anxiety after one day.
Me: I’m so tired. I was up the whole night,
marking.
He kisses me and then we let go of each
other.
Him: Are you done?
I nod.
Me: Camille tells me you’re going to
another meeting today?
He nods.
Him: We’re planning shit for next year.
Me: Sorry.
He sighs.
Him: I’ll come by before I leave.
Me: Okay.
He walks out and I submit some papers
for moderation...
***
It’s now the last day of school. Boy, am I
happy!
We all had to dress up like book
characters, and I chose to be Waldo, that
guy who’s dressed in
a red and white sweater, and the reader
has to find him in various crowds...
Overall, it was a great day. I had been
avoiding Derek like a plague, for a very
corny reason...
I decided to have a party with my kids
and watch movies the whole day. While
we were
watching Annie, the door opens and
someone walks in. My kids are too
focused to even notice
anything. I watch as Derek walks to the
back and sits next to me.
Derek: Why am I being avoided?
Me: I wanted you to find me...
He looks at me weirdly and I chuckle.
Me: Finding Waldo? Get it?
His face relaxes and he laughs a little too
loud. Some of my kids say “shhh.” Lol at
this point
they don’t even care whose speaking,
everyone just needs to shut up and focus
on the movie.
I turn up the volume so they can’t hear us.
Me: Go away. You’re pissing off my babies.
He sulks and takes a packet of popcorn.
Him: You don’t like movies neh?
Me: Can’t concentrate for too long.
Him: Weirdo.
Me: Mxm.
We focus on the movie till it ends...
Him: We’ve just had our first movie date.
Me: How romantic.
He gets up and walks out of the class.
My kids and I then clean up the classroom
and I give them their party packs. The rest
of the day
was spent having a talent show...
***
School is out! Finally!
Classes are clean, and we’re all ready to
leave. The rest of the staff is going out for
drinks, and I
have kindly declined.
Nolwazi has invited us for dinner.
As I’m packing up, Lwazi walks in and
says goodbye to me.
Lwazi: I hope we’ll meet up for lunch
dates.
I give her a fake smile.
Me: We’ll see.
I am going to block her number as soon as
she walks out of this classroom. I’m not
trying to be
a personal adviser.
Her: Don’t you want to meet my
boyfriend?
Me: Uhm-
She’s already pulling my hand. We walk to
her class.
Lwazi: I had to force him to come inside. I
don’t know what his problem is...
When we get in, and I see Bongani
standing there, I swear the world stops
moving for like a split
second.
I keep telling myself to keep a straight
face.
What the fuck is going on here??
Lwazi: Baby, this is Ziyanda- my friend
and colleague.
Bongani is also trying to keep a straight
face.
Lwazi: Ziyanda, this is Bongani...
Me: Hi, Bongani.
Bongani: Hey... Nice to meet you.
Me: Likewise.
I then focus on Lwazi.
Me: Alright then... Have a good vac.
She gives me a hug and I walk out quickly.
When I get to my class, I have to sit down,
to process this shit.
Bongani was in a relationship while
sleeping with me?? What the actual fuck?!
Men!
Fucken men!
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: What do you want?
I didn’t even see him come in. He gives me
a confused look.
I get my things and walk to the door.
Me: Asambe.
Him: Uhm... Okay...
I walk out and wait for him outside...
I cannot believe this shit. That idiot
played me!
INSERT 40
We haven’t said a word to each other
since we left the school. We’re now in his
apartment in
Randburg.
After I finish showering, he goes to the
bathroom.
I cannot believe this! Bongani is Lwazi’s
boyfriend? He lied to me and gave me the
impression
that he is not “into” relationships kanti
that whore was busy two-timing me!
I was the side-chick!
Sies!
I didn’t even see that Derek is now sitting
next to me.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: What?
He sighs and goes back to the bathroom. I
finish getting dressed and then unpack
my bag. I’ve
brought quite a few clothes: formal (for
work) and casual for weekends. At least
I’ll be covered
if we ever have spontaneous sleepovers.
Nxa Bongani. That disrespectful pig!
Derek is now done getting dressed. I can
never get over him. I don’t think I ever
will. He looks so
good.
He takes me hand and leads me to the
lounge, where he sits me down.
Derek: Ready to talk?
I sigh.
Him: Because we’re not leaving here until
you tell me what’s happening.
Me: I’m just annoyed.
Him: What did I do?
Me: Not everything is about you.
He tries saying something but stops
himself. I take a deep breath.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: It’s okay. Just tell me what’s
bothering you.
Should I tell him?
I sigh again.
Me: Lwazi just keeps pestering me about
her boyfriend issues and I’m not
interested.
He narrows his eyes and I keep a straight
face.
Me: I can’t deal with the drama!
Technically, this is not a lie. I don’t want
to ruin his evening by telling him the
truth. I’ll talk to
him after dinner, once it’s just him and I,
no disturbances.
Him: So you’re snappy because you were
asked to give relationship advice?
I nod. I’m sticking to this.
He stares at me, as if he’s trying to figure
something out. He then exhales and
shakes his head.
Me: What?
I feel offended for some odd reason.
Him: I just... You amaze me...
He chuckles and stands me.
Me: Are you judging me?
Him: Not at all...
Me: Mxm.
Him: It’s weird how this dramatic side of
yours has grown on me... It’s scary and
entertaining at
the same time.
Me: Argh whatever. Let’s go.
We get our things and leave.
While he’s driving, I get a call from
Bongani. I ignore it and put my phone on
silent.
Me: I’m sleepy...
Him: Nothing new...
I doze off and take a quick nap.
***
Derek: Zi.
He shakes me lightly and I wake up.
We get out of the car and he takes my
hand.
Him: Feel better?
Me: Yes.
We get to the door and we are led in by
some oldish lady. I think she’s their
helper.
We walk to the lounge and find Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Zizi!
I did miss her, hey.
We share a hug and she smiles.
Nomvuyo: Hey D.
They share a hug.
Nomvuyo: Liwa is in Dean’s office. He said
I should tell you to meet him there...
Derek: Sure.
He then wraps his arms around me.
Nomvuyo: She won’t go anywhere.
He ignores her and plants a kiss on my
lips.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
He walks away and Nomvuyo sighs.
Nomvuyo: Love...
Me: Love indeed.
We sit down and she looks at me.
Nomvuyo: Did you have a good week?
Me: It was okay, I guess.
She nods.
Nomvuyo: I’m 2 months pregnant.
My jaw drops and she laughs quietly.
Nomvuyo: Yep.
I’ve been avoiding this baby thing for the
whole week. Derek didn’t even bring it up
because he
knew not to. I think I’m still in denial.
Nomvuyo: I wanted to call and ask you to
come with, and then I remembered that
you’re a
working citizen.
We laugh.
Me: Don’t you want to work?
She shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: Not now... I’m still enjoying
being a housewife.
Me: I’d go crazy.
Nomvuyo: Being a mother is a full time
job. It’s weird that people think I sit in the
house for the
whole day.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, I’m going back to
school. Liwa’s been nagging me.
Me: Is it? Ufundani?
Nomvuyo: I’ll see... I was studying
medicine, but I dropped out because I
couldn’t afford it.
I look at her in confusion and she laughs.
Nomvuyo: I ran away from home and
thought I could do everything alone... I
refused help from
the family.
Me: Geesh.
Nomvuyo: I should probably tell you my
life story. I didn’t have a perfect
upbringing,
unfortunately. Also, Liwa and I faced a lot
of shit.
Me: Well now I’m definitely interested.
Nomvuyo: Such an inquisitive girl!
Me: Excuse me? Gossip Girl?
We both laugh and then someone clears
their throat. This is the same girl who
came to the
hospital last weekend.
Nomvuyo: Zamo, please get me water.
The girl complains as she heads to the
kitchen.
Nomvuyo: That’s Ivy, Nolwazi’s sister.
Me: And your fav.
I try not to act like a jealous girlfriend.
Ivy comes back and gives Nomvuyo the
glass.
Ivy: Why are there so many strangers in
this house? For fuck’s sake.
Hai phela, surely she is not referring to
me. That’s impossible.
Nomvuyo: Ivy, this is not a stranger. This
is Ziyanda, Derek’s girlfriend.
Ivy stares at me.
I stare right back at her. Rude bitch.
Ivy: I need a drink, honestly...
She walks off and disappears.
Nomvuyo: Please don’t mind her... She’s
not- uhm what’s the word- refined... Yes,
she’s not
refined.
I roll my eyes. Ivy, or whoever she is,
better stay in her lane. Today is not the
day.
I will gladly slap the piss out of anyone
who disrespects me.
Me: Yazi I have a problem.
Nomvuyo: What’s up?
I tell her all about the Lwazi and Bongani
situation. She has proven before that I can
trust her.
Me: What should I do?
Nomvuyo: Yoh just tell him once.
Me: Eish.
Nomvuyo: Don’t lie about irrelevant
things. You’re not with Bongani anymore,
right?
I nod.
Nomvuyo: Ya so tell him and move on. It’s
not that deep.
Me: Men are fucked up yazi.
Nomvuyo: Definitely. Garbage.
Suddenly, someone clears their throat,
and it’s Mdu.
Kanti kahle kahle what did I do to spite
the Universe? Universe ngakwenzani? Hai
man dis tew
much.
Mdu: Sanibonani.
Nomvuyo: Hey, Mdu. Have you seen Ivy?
Mdu: Outside.
Nomvuyo stands and then looks at me.
Nomvuyo: I need to check on her.
This bitch! How the hell is she going to
leave me with this idiot?
She walks away and Mdu stands there,
looking all sheepish. I can tell that
something’s up.
I grunt.
Me: Yini?
He exhales and sits next to me.
Mdu: You’ve always been a problem
solver.
Me: But I sure as hell couldn’t solve you
now could I?
Mdu: Eish awume man Ziyanda.
I look at him weirdly. Something’s
definitely bothering him.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: I made a girl pregnant.
Me: What?!
Him: Shhh!
I stand.
Me: No, fuck you! Why is this any of my
business?!
He pulls me back down and I sit.
Mdu: I’m in fucken shit.
I look at him in shock.
Mdu: The girl was partly responsible for
my sister’s divorce.
Me: WHAT?!
What the fuck is wrong with him?!
Mdu: Ziyanda, focus.
Me: Uh-uh. Fuck you! Don’t involve me in
your shit.
I stand and find the nearest door. I need
to get out of here.
What the fuck is wrong with everyone?!
Universe, screw you, fam!
INSERT 41
I’ve been on the other side of the yard for
about 15 minutes, when Mdu comes.
Me: Leave me alone!
Mdu: No, I’m not going to leave you alone.
Me: Mdu, really??
Him: Yes, really.
Me: Why are you telling me all of this?
Him: Because I trust you...
He looks at me so innocently, that I soften
up just a little bit.
I take a deep breath.
Me: Uthi kwenzakalani?
He scratches his head.
Him: Nolwazi is divorced...
Me: I know.
Him: I’m currently in a relationship with
the girl who Kwanele, the ex-husband,
married.
Me: The second wife??
Him: Her name is Tholi.
Yoh nkos’ yami! What in the world??
He waits for me to process this nonsense.
Me: Mduduzi what is wrong with you??
He looks at me guiltily.
Me: How could you be so stupid??
He keeps quiet.
Me: So you made her pregnant?
Him: I love her, Ziyanda.
Yhu yhu yhu I need a drink.
Suddenly, I remember this baby dilemma
that I am also facing, ngaphathwa esinye
i-stress
same time.
He leads me to the gazebo and we sit
down.
Me: You fucken idiot!
He keeps quiet.
Me: You think you can just go around
acting recklessly without thinking about
how those close
to you will be affected? Selfish bastard!
He listens while I shout at him for a good
5 minutes. See now I’m going off. I’m
shouting at him
for all the hurt he brought me when we
were together, I’m shouting at him for
Siyabonga’s
bullshit, and I‘m also shouting at him for
Bongani’s fucked up-ness.
I am just letting it all out.
After I am done, he looks at me.
Him: Are you done having your seizure?
Me: No! I am far from done. You are so
stupid! Why would you even do such a
dumb thing?!
I go on for another 5 minutes telling him
how stupid he is.
I take a deep breath.
Me: Now, I’m done.
He sighs.
Him: I fucked up, but I don’t regret it.
Me: Mduduzi, do you realize that you’re
telling me this? Your ex?
He sighs.
Him: Like I said, I trust you.
He then looks at me intently.
Him: I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused.
I was not ready to be serious... I should
have told you
earlier on instead of dragging you along.
Me: Mxm.
He keeps quiet.
Me: So what is your plan?
Him: She’s going to give birth soon.
Me: Where is she?
Him: We’re moving to Joburg
permanently.
Me: So all of you people are relocating to
this side? Nifunani la? Our lives were very
peaceful
without you. Nonke futhi.
Him: Stop with the low blows.
I grunt.
Me: You have two options: you tell your
family and deal with the consequences, or
you hide your
pregnant home-wrecker and live in exile
forever.
Him: Ziyanda!
Me: Heyi let me have my moment.
He exhales.
Me: What do you want to do?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: My suggestion is that you tell them
now. Everyone is too focused on the
babies right now,
and they’re over the moon. They probably
won’t take it too harshly...
Him: You think so?
I nod.
Him: I’ll talk to Tholi...
I look at him and see how stressed he is.
Unfortunately, I don’t really care that
much because nami I am dying of stress.
Phela mina I am
going to be a single mother living in the
streets. The thought of being under a
bridge begging
for nyaope money is very traumatic, so
Mdu’s problem is not my concern right
now...
Ngixakekile nje nami some-self. It’s a dog
eat dog world, so Mdu must find his own
way. I can’t
be dealing with someone else’s pregnancy
when mine is going to ruin my entire
existence.
***
As Mdu and I walk in, we hear laughter.
Good times.
Mdu and I look at each other sadly. Impilo
inzima yazi. Sifile yi-stress and people are
out here
living their best lives.
Nolwazi: Zi!
Me: Hey, Lwazi!
She’s holding a tiny human. I walk to her
and bend, to see...
She uncovers the tiny human, and I see
the tiny face.
I smile.
Me: How cute...
He still looks like a little mushroom
though...
For a person who loves teaching, I’m not
really a fan of really tiny humans. They
look like aliens
and I’m always so scared of dropping
them.
Nolwazi: I just brought them down so you
guys can see them. We’re taking them
back up in 5
minutes... Dean will kill me.
I look over at Dean, who is holding the
second megabyte.
Derek is busy smiling like a lost sheep.
Angazi uchazwa yini.
Me: So both of them are boys?
Nolwazi: Yep. I thought we’d have a girl
and boy...
Dean: Okay, now that everyone has seen
them, they can be taken back to their
room.
He needs to chill. No one here wants to
steal those babies. We all got our
problems... In fact,
everybody up in this bitch is either
pregnant or has a child. Children
overfloweth in this room
right now, and his babies are honestly the
least of my problems.
Nolwazi and her mom walk upstairs with
the babies, and Dean relaxes a bit. Mxm.
Dean: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: Hello.
Dean: You good?
Me: Yep, and you?
Dean: Holding up.
Me: Hmm.
I feel Derek next to me.
Derek: Missed you...
Nazoke...
Derek’s clinginess always comes at the
wrong time. I’m trying my best to avoid
Mdu right now...
Me: Missed you too, Nkanyi.
Thandeka emerges and tells us that
dinner is ready.
We go to the table and sit.
Ivy: Am I the only one who’s going to
drink?
Liwa: We’re taking a break from alcohol.
Ivy: Booo!
She takes the bottle of champagne and
opens it. She then looks at me.
Ivy: Uyaphuza?
Me: No, thanks.
Ivy: How boring.
Me: No one wants to drink 24/7...
There’s awkward silence for a few
seconds.
Nomvuyo: So Dean, when are you going
back to work?
Dean: When I feel like going back.
Liwa: Joys of being the boss, huh?
They go on with their conversation. I look
over at Ivy and she’s staring at me. I stare
right back
at her.
I did say that today is not the day to try
me, right?
She pours herself some champagne and
drinks it slowly.
I roll my eyes and look away.
Derek puts his arm around my chair and I
look at him.
Derek: Don’t lose it.
Me: I’m going to slap her... Don’t stop me,
okay?
He looks at me in shock and then I smile. I
can’t be mad around this one for too long.
He’s too
cute right now, because I know he’s trying
not to step on my toes.
Me: I’m joking, Star.
He sighs and I laugh.
It’s a fake laugh, because I really do want
to shake that Ivy girl up a bit.
I then glance at Mdu, and I see him
chuckling.
Now, he knows me very well...
He probably sees how much I don’t like
he’s sister...
I don’t even know why he’s smiling
because if his family finds out about his
shit, he’ll be sniffing
nyaope with me.
INSERT 42
We’re now eating and the conversation is
flowing...
I’m still a bit uneasy, but Derek keeps
brushes my back and thigh. He really does
have a good
effect on me. I could just look at him the
whole day.
Derek: Baby.
I look at him.
He takes my hand and places it on his lap.
I choke on my drink and he chuckles.
Him: It’s been a week.
Me: I know...
I brush his thigh and continue eating.
Geesh now my fat inner thighs are
sweating and I
desperately need some form of release.
I excuse myself and make my way to the
bathroom. It’s not like any of them even
noticed,
because they were too engaged in some
deep conversation.
As I pee, I’m not sure if I’m experiencing a
mini-orgasm or I was pressed nje.
The door opens and my man walks in.
Now I know for a fact that I’m about to get
this orgasm.
He locks the door and doesn’t even waste
time.
Within 5 minutes, I’m good- for now. We
make our way back to the table and these
people are
still having some deep conversation.
I look over at Ivy and she seems to be
laughing at something. Wow, I don’t think
I’ve ever
disliked a person like this, hey? I don’t
even know her that well, but she rubs me
the wrong way.
Angim’funi.
After a while, we all finish up and do our
own thing. Others are chilling outside,
others in the
lounge. I wonder where Nolwazi’s father
is. Lol I’m sure it would be tense right
now.
Nomvuyo steals me from Derek and we go
outside.
Nomvuyo: Bitchy, much?!
Me: Awume man, Nomvuyo.
She hisses.
Nomvuyo: Also, you two are busy
sneaking off for quickies. Are you even
using condoms?
Yhu and then it hits me. Why the fuck am I
so stupid? You know what, Universe? I
deserve this
shit! I’m stressing about a pregnancy that
hasn’t been confirmed, yet I’m busy
getting pounded
left, right and centre.
Gosh.
Nomvuyo: Are you okay?
Me: I think I’m losing my mind.
She gives me a hug and laughs sweetly.
Nomvuyo: Oh sweety, you’re in love.
You’re crazy in love.
Me: That man is my drug.
Nomvuyo: And he’s not the toxic type of
drug.
Me: Exactly.
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: Now why are you being bitchy
towards my Ivy?
Me: I don’t like her.
Nomvuyo: Wow, just like that.
Me: Yes, and it will end there. I don’t like
talking about people I don’t like. Waste of
energy...
She looks at me in shock.
Me: And don’t try to make us friends. I’ll
resent you for the rest of my life.
She tries to say something, but keeps
quiet.
What people need to understand about
me is that when I unleash the drama, it
comes out full
force. I go all out. Don’t cross me when I’m
in my drama zone. Don’t talk to me or try
to be
funny, because I will sort you out, and I
don’t give a rat’s ass if it comes across as
childish.
Petty LaBelle should never be tested. The
bitch is crazy.
Nomvuyo: Uhm okay...
Me: I love you, but don’t overstep some
boundaries.
Nomvuyo: Wow, fuck you.
Me: Fuck you too.
We stare at each other for a while and end
up laughing.
Nomvuyo: You dramatic piece of shit!
Me: Eish I’m going through the most. Have
mercy on me.
She laughs and we walk back to the
house.
I need my dose of Nkanyezi. Where is he?
I spot him.
I say a silent prayer.
I walk to him and he smiles as I stand next
to him. He places his arms around my
waist and I
look at Ivy blankly.
Ivy: Derek tells me you’re a teacher...
Me: Yes.
She smiles.
Ivy: Nice...
Me: Hmm.
I then focus on Derek.
Me: Liwa has asked me to tell you to meet
him outside.
Derek: Thanks.
Me: Sure.
He plants a kiss on my cheek and walks
off.
Now is the perfect time to punch this
heffer, and make it seem like I was
stretching. Confuse
the enemy a bit. I can’t have these people
seeing my ghetto side.
Ivy: Ziyanda.
I realise that I was too busy visualising
the punch, that I completely zoned out.
Me: Yes?
Ivy: You’re beautiful.
Okay. What’s happening?
Ivy: We should probably start thinking of
ways of getting rid of this sexual tension
between us,
don’t you think?
Wait, what??
I can’t even help but be shocked.
She smiles sweetly and walks away.
What the hell??
I need a drink! Surely this unconfirmed
baby won’t be affected by a little bit of
wine? Let’s just
pretend I didn’t know about him/she.
Universe, forgive me, but I need
something strong to ease
all these crazy emotions.
I go to the bar and as I’m about to take a
lil sumfin, Nomvuyo stops me.
Me: Vuvu!
Nomvuyo: You’re not touching alcohol
until you go to the doctor!
Me: Do you see how this baby is creating
problems in my life?
Nomvuyo: Well you seem to have created
a connection.
Me: Girl, bye. I may be crazy, but not
enough to be making connections with
my empty lungs
and womb.
She laughs and we go to the kitchen.
Nomvuyo: Have you come to terms with
the possi-
Me: Vuvu.
Her: Okay, I’m sorry.
She drops the subject. Nolwazi walks to
us...
Nolwazi: You two have been hiding...
Me: Not at all.
I look at Nomvuyo and I know what’s
going through her mind. Nomvuyo is me. I
am Nomvuyo.
The only difference is that I really like
Nolwazi.
Nolwazi is that woman you aim to be.
Chilled and comfortable with her life.
She’s career-driven
and is just amazing.
Maybe that’s why Nomvuyo doesn’t like
her. Maybe deep down, Nomvuyo is a bit
bitter about
not finishing school and building her own
career.
I don’t care though. Vuvu is still my girl.
She’s the type of lady who’ll give you a
hair tie/gutter so you can tie your hair,
before she gives
you an ass whooping... A considerate
bitch. A generous bitch.
Me: Are the megabytes behaving?
Nolwazi: Megabytes?
Me: The twins.
She laughs and sighs.
Nolwazi: Megabytes? Oh my goodness!
She then goes on to tell me about their
sleeping patterns and shit. I love Nolwazi,
but I had to
zone out here and there. Listening to her
go on about her angels was very
triggering.
I need to go to the doctor ASAP.
After a while, Liwa calls us and tell us to
meet at the lounge. We all sit down and he
stands...
Liwa: Okay... Are we all here?
Thandeka: Yep.
Liwa: So the past week has been
something...
They all chuckle.
Liwa: We’ve been looking forward to the
birth of these twins for so long, that none
of us thought
they’d decide to pop out on the day we’re
all out and about...
Thandeka: Sies!
Liwa smiles shyly.
Liwa: Anyway, I just wanted to say that I
am very happy that our families are
blending. The love
that that is felt when we’re together is just
magical, and it just proves that above all
else, love is
important.
He then looks at Nolwazi.
Liwa: I speak for everyone when I say we
admire your strength. You carried two
babies, and
delivered them naturally. They’re both
healthy and happy.
Nolwazi: Thank you.
Liwa: If you need anything, please let us
know. We’ve been parents since our early
20s, I think
we’re now experts at this parenting thing.
Everyone laughs. I’m just sitting there,
zoning in and out. I can’t deal right now.
Liwa: Congratulations on this new
journey, and we wish you all the best.
Nolwazi: How sweet! Thank you.
Everyone claps and drops the usual
“ooo’s” and “aaah’s.”
Liwa: Dean was supposed to speak, but
we all know he’s a pig. Right now, he’s
twitching- he
wants to go to his babies, so I think we
should finish up.
I look at Dean and he really does look like
he is suffering from separation anxiety.
Liwa: We decided to get you ladies a little
something...
Derek stands and gives us hand-sized
boxes.
Liwa: This is just to thank you, as the
women who keep us sane, for being so
strong and
fearless last weekend, when we were
somewhere else...
Thandeka: You were drunk and lost. Say
it!
Liwa: We were just too excited, that’s all.
No one was drunk. I plead the fifth.
Everyone laughs.
Liwa: That’s it... Have a good weekend...
I’m very excited that all of us are now in
Jo’burg. We’re
just waiting for Zimi and Lindelwa.
Thandeka: Yaay!
Maybe I should relocate.
Everyone hugs and say their goodbyes.
Mdu comes to me.
Mdu: I’ll call you.
Me: Mxm.
I find Derek and we head for the door.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Hai this one...
Me: Liwa...
He gives me a big hug.
Liwa: You see, you?
He chuckles.
Liwa: I’m watching you...
Me: Haibo what did I do?
Liwa: Hmmmm.
I laugh and we share another hug.
Me: Bye!
Nomvuyo: Bye, love. Chat later.
Derek and I make our way to the car.
Me: That was sweet.
He nods and smiles.
We get in and he drives out of the yard.
Me: What did you get me?
I open the box, and it’s a Cartier watch.
Me: Aww I love it!
Him: Good.
He brushes my hand and then focuses on
the road.
Petty can go back to sleep now...
I’m finally going to my calm and safe
space...
INSERT 43 (Couldn’t edit)
That weekend was spent indoors,
cuddling and getting to know each other
even more.
My heart is filled with so much peace, love
and happiness right now. Yes, I have my
low
moments, but overall, I’m happy.
Derek had to go to some meeting in
Pretoria, and I refused to go with him. I
am going to meet
with Mdu... He’s been calling me nonstop,
asking me to meet him.
I finish getting dressed and make my way
to the Uber.
I get to his complex and call him. He
fetches me and we make our way to his
place.
Mdu: I didn’t think you’d agree to come.
Me: Me too.
We walk in and he offers me something to
drink.
Me: I’m not here for drinks, Mduduzi.
He leads me to the lounge and we sit
down.
I look at him, and he genuinely seems
stressed.
Me: You didn’t think things through, did
you?
He sighs.
Me: So you just thought you’d hide
forever?
Mdu: I wasn’t thinking about all of that.
Me: What was going through your mind?
He scratches his head and groans.
Me: You fell in love with her?
He nods.
I’ve never seen him like this. He must love
this girl.
Me: What about her family?
Him: She doesn’t have a family.
Me: Huh?
Mdu: Her mother died when she was
young, so her aunt took care of her.
Me: So where is the aunt?
He shakes his head angrily.
Mdu: There’s no way I’m letting her go
back to that woman. She’s the one who
sold Tholi in the
first place.
Me: Sold?
Mdu: She linked up with Thenjiwe,
Kwanele’s motherMe:
Kwanele being Nolwazi’s ex-husband?
He nods.
Mdu: She linked up with Thenjiwe, and
they decided to make Tholi the second
wife, so she can
produce children- seeing as Nolwazi was
considered infertile.
Me: Wow.
Him: Tholi has been through a lot, Zi. I’m
the only person who has shown her true
love.
Me: Wena na.
Him: Not now, please.
Me: So how did you guys even start
dating?
Him: I went after her for fun, but I could
see she was miserable... Kwanele
disappeared after
Nolwazi told him about the divorce, and I
spent all that time with Tholi...
Me: Does Kwanele know about you guys?
He nods.
Him: He thought he was the father, when
he found out- but he figured it out...
Me: And did he threaten to expose you?
Him: I think his world just shattered
permanently after that. He didn’t even
bother fighting.
Me: Wow...
We sit in silence while I process
everything.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s
Bongani. I decide to answer.
Me: Bongani?
Bongani: Hey.
Me: Hello.
There’s an awkward silence.
Me: What do you want? I’m really busy
right now, and the last thing I want is to
sit here and
listen to you breathing heavily.
Him: Oh.
Me: How may I help you?
He sighs.
Him: I want to apologise.
Me: For playing me? So all this time I was
your side chick?
Him: Uhm no-
Me: At this point I’m over it. Thankfully, I
wasn’t that invested in you, so I’m not
that touched.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I won’t mention this to anyone,
especially Lwazi- so don’t stress.
I hang up, block his number, and then
focus on Mdu, who seems surprised.
Me: Don’t act surprised. Niyafeba nonke.
Him: What about Derek?
Me: He’s special. He’s a real man.
Him: You’ll never forgive me, huh?
Me: Not at all. I’m just tolerating you,
because I have no choice.
He sighs in defeat, and then looks at me
seriously.
Him: So you think I should tell them?
Me: Yes.
He groans.
Me: Start with Thandeka. I think she’ll be
more forgiving because you’re her baby.
She’ll find a
way to break the news to Nolwazi in a
better way, because she doesn’t want her
to stress.
Mdu: I can’t tell them now. I don’t want to
ruin my sister’s vibe right now. She is
really happy.
Me: True...
Mdu: But Dean knows.
Me: He does??
He nods.
Me: And??
Him: Dean doesn’t involve himself in
other people’s shit.
How noble of him.
Him: I don’t know hey... I’ll talk to
Zimkitha, because she also knows.
Me: Liwa’s mom?
He nods.
Me: I’m really sorry that you’re going
through this...
Just then, someone clears their throat,
and I turn around.
This must be her.
Oh my goodness, she is so adorable and
round.
She wobbles to us and sits down.
She then looks at me nervously and her
face turns red. Thank God, I’m not a
yellow bone. I’m
too emotional, and my poor skin would
complain with my constant moods.
Me: Hi.
She looks at Mdu, as if she wants
permission to speak.
Mdu: Chubby Cheeks, this is Ziyanda, a
friend from varsity.
Tholi: Your ex.
Haike angizingeni.
Mdu: Chubby Cheeks-
She raises her hand and he stops. Lol
people know how to control their men out
here, hey.
She then looks at me.
Tholi: Why are you here?
What a wow.
Me: Mdu asked me to come.
Tholi: But you’re his ex.
Me: And I want nothing to do with him.
She looks at me in confusion.
Mdu: Baby, it’s nothing deep. I just
wanted her perspective about this
situation.
Tholi: So I’m a situation? That’s what you
think of me, Mdu?
I have concluded that the universe is
putting me in these situations, to show
me that pregnancy
is not the way.
Mdu: Come on, Tholi.
Tholi: No, IMdu:
Do you know how stressed I fucken am,
Tholakele? I’m in this with you! Why the
fuck
would I turn my back against you, and do
stupid shit? I am trying to figure out how
we can start
living our lives freely!
He stands and walks away.
Lord...
Tholi’s face turns red and I see tears
approaching her eyes.
What did I ever do to deserve such?
I stand and sit next to her.
Me: Uhm... Sorry...
Tholi: I’m sorry for being rude.
She sobs quietly and my heart sinks.
Tholi: I’m so scared. I’ve been scared
since I met Mdu. I have been living in fear
that we’re going
to get caught, and his family will disown
him. I don’t want him to be like me. I
know how it feels
like to lose loved ones, and I also know
that he would never survive without his
family.
Shame, man.
She wipes her tears.
Tholi: Whenever he leaves me, I always
panic and think he won’t come back...
Me: He loves you, and he’s obviously
willing to fight for you.
Tholi: But how am I supposed to live with
myself knowing that I separated him from
his family?
I sigh...
People have real problems, hey.
My life is very peaceful compared to this
shit.
Her: Sorry, I need the bathroom.
Me: Okay.
As she stands, she lets out a scream. My
heart skips a beat.
Me: Thol-
She lets out another one, and then
touches her belly.
Mdu is here within a blink of an eye.
Mdu: Tholakele.
She groans and starts crying hysterically.
Tholakele: What’s happening??
Oh hell no! I am not about to be part of
another stranger’s birth!
INSERT 44
We’re now driving to the hospital.
What the hell is going on?
Why am I driving with these people?
Why the fuck am I here?!
We get to the hospital, and Tholi is taken
to her room.
The doctor then confirms that they have
to perform an emergency caesarean.
Mdu is a nervous mess, and as much as I
am also freaking out, I know that I have to
be more
rational.
Me: I’m calling Nomvuyo.
He’s so freaked out, that he probably
didn’t even hear me. I quickly dial
Nomvuyo’s number and
she answers.
Nomvuyo: Lo-
Me: Vuvu, I need you!
Nomvuyo: Wha-
I quickly tell her where I am, and to drop
whatever she’s doing. She assures me that
she’ll be
here shortly, and then I hang up.
I wake into the room, and the doctor and
nurses are busy preparing everything. I
am so
overwhelmed and confused. Tholi has
stopped crying, but you can tell that she’s
scared. Mdu is
holding her hand, comforting her. I just
want to hug both of them at this point.
Poor souls just
have each other...
The doctor confirms a few things, they
run more tests, and then prepare for the
operation...
I decide to go outside; I’m not trying to
witness any of this.
I see Nomvuyo approaching me and I hug
her as soon as she gets to me.
Nomvuyo: What the hell is going on??
She gives me the bag with baby stuff and I
just sigh.
Nomvuyo: Let me get you some water...
She rushes off somewhere and then I
knock on the door. A nurse opens, and I
give her the bag.
She shuts the door and I sit on the couch
just opposite the door. Nomvuyo walks
back and
gives me a bottle of cold water.
Me: Thanks.
I drink some and we sit in silence for a
while.
Me: Mdu made a girl pregnant.
Her: What??
I nod.
Me: Tholi is the girl.
She looks at me in confusion.
Me: Tholi, Kwanele’s second wife.
She stands and looks at me in complete
shock.
I drink my water and keep quiet. I am so
overwhelmed, I feel like I’m going to faint.
I feel an anxiety attack approaching.
What’s worse is that I didn’t even take my
medication,
because I had such a relaxing weekend. I
didn’t think I’d need my meds. My
psychiatrist will
definitely feel some type of way about
this.
Nomvuyo sees this, and I start
hyperventilating. I genuinely feel like I
can’t breathe... She calls
one of the nurses and I am led to one of
the room.
I blank out at this point...
When I wake up, my mouth is super dry,
and as usual, I feel like I am in another
world.
It takes me a few minutes to recall
everything, and come back to my senses.
Nomvuyo: Zizi...
I feel her warm hand brushing my cheek.
I sit up and my heart pounds as soon as I
spot Derek, standing by the door.
He sees the panic on my face and quickly
walks to the bed.
Derek: Calm down.
Me: I’m sorry!
I feel another anxiety attack approach.
Me: I wasn’t thinking! I’m sorry for lying!
Derek: ZiyandMe:
Derek, I’m sorry!
Nomvuyo: Zi, calm down. He’s not angry.
Me: I was just trying to help!
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda!
I look at her.
Nomvuyo: Breathe.
She takes my hands and stares at me.
Her: Take a deep breath in...
I can’t really focus right now.
Her: Ziyanda, listen to me... Take a deep
breath in... In 1... 2... 3...
I find myself taking a deep breath in.
Her: And out...2...3...
She continues making me breathe until I
feel better.
She then gives me a glass of water and
pills.
Nomvuyo: Feeling better?
I put my head down and close my eyes.
Me: I’ll be fine.
They let me be for a while, until I feel
stable. I then get out of bed, and put on
my shoes. I need
some fresh air. I walk out and find the
nearest door. It leads me to the garden.
I’ve been standing there for a while.
Where is Derek?
I need to talk to him and make him
understand that I didn’t mean for any of
this to happen.
As I move, I see him approaching me. I
stand and wait for him to get to me.
He stares at me blankly. I can’t read him.
Is he angry?
Me: I’ll understand if you want to break
up with me.
He doesn’t say anything. I want to cry, but
I’m not trying to be dramatic right now. I
genuinely
feel bad for lying to him.
Me: I didn’t mean to lie to you. I was going
to tell you.
Him: But you didn’t.
Me: I’m sorry, Derek.
Him: How am I supposed to trust you if
you keep things from me?
I try to say something, but stop myself. I
realise that defending myself will just
make things
work. I’ll just keep quiet and take
responsibility for my actions.
Him: You know you can’t handle tense
situations, because of your anxiety. Why
would you even
put yourself in such a position?
Me: I was just trying to help.
Him: By doing what? Tell me how you’ve
helped these people.
I keep quiet.
Him: Instead of helping, you’ve just
involved yourself in their business, and
you’re now part of
this lie, that could potentially damage
family ties.
I sigh.
Me: That poor girl has no family, Derek!
He keeps quiet.
Me: I regret not telling you- I really do,
but after meeting her, and seeing how
dependent she is
on this one person, I felt the need to be
there. She only has Mdu, Derek. She
literally has no one
she can depend on.
Him: But it’s not your responsibility to
carry their problems.
Me: I didn’t even have time to think about
all of this. Everything happened so fast.
He sighs.
Me: I feel bad for her. She’s a bruised
person. You can just see it in her eyes.
Him: So what are going to do?
Me: I don’t know...
He looks at me intently and I look down.
Me: Don’t look at me like that.
Him: You try to act like you don’t care
about people, but you actually have a
good heart.
I sigh.
He then wraps his arms around me and I
melt. He sees this, and chuckles.
Me: I’m sorry for not telling you.
Him: I forgive you.
I look at him.
Him: I know you thought you were
protecting them...
Me: I just didn’t know how to tell you.
Him: Next time, just tell me... I want to be
there for you, as much you want to be
there for
everyone else.
Swoons!
Him: I want to support you as much as I
can... I’m glad I witnessed how Nomvuyo
handled your
attack; at least I will be able to help you in
future.
This man...
Him: Just don’t lie to me, Ziyanda. I value
honesty.
Me: Okay.
We stand there for a while, staring at each
other all lovey dovey.
Him: I love you so much...
We share a hug and I honestly just want
to cry. What did I do to deserve such a
wonderful man?
Me: I love you too.
We share a kiss.
Nomvuyo: Heyi nina wozani...
We let go of each other.
Nomvuyo: Come see the twins. They’re so
cute.
Me: Twins???
She laughs and nods.
Derek: For fuck’s sake.
Nomvuyo: Come!
Derek: This is just fucked up...
We walk back in, hand in hand...
INSERT 45
Derek and I are now in his apartment.
Me: This is crazy.
Derek: Fucked up.
Me: I wonder how all of this will unfold.
He goes to the bathroom and I throw
myself on the bed. He then comes back
and rests his
head on my thighs.
Him: It’s a mess.
Me: Do you think Nolwazi will be fine?
Him: I don’t know...
Me: I think she’ll understand.
Him: Hmm but this is a bit deep. Mdu
messed up.
Me: He’s always been impulsive, I’m not
surprised.
I regret that as soon as I say it. Who wants
to sit here and listen to their partner talk
about an
ex? How dumb, Ziyanda!
Him: He’s impulsive?
Oh... He doesn’t seem mad.
Me: Yes, very.
Him: So how the fuck did you deal with
each other?
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Seeing as both of you are impulsive.
Me: Excuse me??
Him: Wait, is this news to you?
Me: I am not impulsive, Derek!
He chuckles and I punch him lightly.
Me: I’m offended.
Him: Don’t be. I love your impulsiveness.
Me: Argh.
Him: You don’t think before you act.
Me: Stop!
He laughs.
Him: So how was your relationship?
Gosh, here I am trying to change the
subject and this one keeps reeling me
back in.
Me: It was a very dramatic relationship.
Him: How so?
Me: We fought every second.
Him: Hmm.
Me: Hmm?
Him: Hmm.
I punch him again.
Me: Can we stop talking about this?
Him: Baby, you are the one who dragged
us into this whole mess.
Me: I wasn’t thinking!
Him: Impulsive...
Me: Argh.
He repositions and then gets on top of me.
Him: We need to go to the doctor.
I groan.
Him: Why are you avoiding it?
Me: I’m not.
Him: Ziyanda.
I sigh.
Me: I just don’t want to face the results.
Him: Okay, but you do realize that we’ll
face them anyway?
I keep quiet.
Him: What are you scared of the most?
Me: Duuh! Being pregnant!
Him: What scares you about being
pregnant?
Me: Derek!
Him: I just want to know.
Me: So wena you’re okay with me being
pregnant?
He sighs thoughtfully.
Him: I’m okay with anything. Like I said,
pregnant or not, I’m here.
I groan.
Me: I don’t want to be pregnant.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I’m not even going to sugar-coat it, or
lie- I don’t want to be pregnant. I am not
ready!
He still doesn’t say anything.
Me: We’ve been irresponsible.
Contraceptives are must.
Him: This is why we need to go to the
doctor.
Me: Hmkay.
We lay there for a while, and I even feel
myself doze off.
He gets up.
Me: Where are you going?
Him: Need some air...
Me: Oh.
He puts on a t-shirt and walks out.
Uhm...
What the hell just happened?
I dial Niki’s number and she answers.
Me: I need to see you ASAP!
Niki: Angithi uyajola!
I sigh heavily.
Me: So much shit has happened.
Her: Let’s have our usual indoor weekend.
Me: This weekend?
Her: Yes, love.
Me: Okay then.
Her: Hopefully, your man won’t hate me
for taking you away from him.
Me: I think I need some distance and
alone time, just to reflect on everything
that has
happened.
Her: Good, you’ll use this weekend, and
tell me all about him.
We laugh.
Her: Take care of yourself.
Me: Hmkay bye, friend.
Her: Byee!
I hang up and am startled by Derek’s
phone ringing. I reach for it and see
Xolani’s name. I think
of answering it, but stop myself. I can’t be
answering other people’s phones...
It stops ringing.
Where is Derek? Why did he even need
some air? Is he tired of me? Am I invading
his space?
I stand and make my way to the lounge. I
am definitely going back home tomorrow.
I haven’t
been there since last week Friday. It’s
now Tuesday.
My thoughts are interrupted by the knock
on the door. Did he forget the key?
I open the door, and am shocked to see
Xolani, standing there.
Me: Xolani!
He looks at me from head to toe and
frowns.
Xolani: What’s wrong with you?
Me: What do you mean?
He walks in and I close the door.
Him: You have eye bags and-
Me: I have eye bags??
He laughs and nods.
Me: It’s been a rough couple of weeks.
Him: Is my brother putting you through
the most?
Me: Not him per se.
He looks around.
Him: Where is he?
Me: He is out.
He raises an eyebrow.
Him: Everything okay?
Me: Yes. Well... I think so.
He opens the fridge and gets a bottle of
water.
Him: Are you guys fighting?
Me: No.
I don’t even see myself fighting with
Derek. I just refuse to put us in that
position.
Him: Well, let me give you some insight
on my beloved brother.
He goes to the lounge and I follow him.
We then sit down and he looks at me
intently.
Him: What have you learnt about him so
far?
Me: Uhm...
Really? I thought this would be a time for
me to get more information about Derek,
and now
Xolani wants me to tell him things.
Xolani: Derek is a very loving person, I’m
sure you’ve seen that.
Me: I have.
He smiles.
Him: I don’t know how he manages to
love so much, even after people screw
him over.
Me: People screw him over?
Argh I can’t imagine why anyone would
want to hurt him intentionally.
Him: I’m sure you’ve also been through
your share of heartbreaks.
I nod.
Him: But D doesn’t seem to hold those
experiences against anyone.
He sighs.
Him: Please take care of him, Zi. I’m
asking this from the bottom of my heart.
I’ve watched him
trust people, who don’t even give a shit
about him. He’s too much. Too generous,
too loving, too
kind...
He drinks some of his water.
Him: And you know what they say about
such people... Once they reach their
breaking point,
shit gets too real.
Me: I love his circle of friends though.
They’re good for him.
He nods.
Him: They are... He just has bad luck when
it comes to romantic relationships. They
always take
advantage of him.
Me: Well that’s unfortunate.
Him: He always puts other people’s needs
before his. He’s been like that forever. He
has never
been one to ask for help, or show how
affected he is by hurtful situations.
I keep quiet.
Him: I’m not telling you this to make you
feel guilty. I just want you to know that
you’re with an
amazing person, who’ll love you deeply.
However, I also ask that you take care of
him. Try to let
him open up... None of us have been able
to get him to open up...
All this time I thought I was the closed off
one, but maybe both of us are the same-
or he’s
worse, but he just knows how to make it
seem like he’s fine...
Me: Thank you...
He nods and then looks at me from head
to toes.
Me: Stop looking at me like that!
Him: Tomorrow, you’re spending the day
with me. I cannot have you looking like
this, Zi.
Me: Do I even have a choice?
Him: No.
Me: Okay then.
Him: Stunning!
I laugh and we continue chatting.
Just then, the door opens and Derek walks
in.
Xolani: Brother!
Derek: Hey. When did you get here?
Xolani: It’s been a while.
Derek walks to the lounge and looks at
me.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Me? Yes.
He nods and looks at Xolani.
Derek: What’s up?
Xolani: Was in the area...
Derek: Hmm. I’d like to crash, if you don’t
mind.
Xolani: Of course not. Zi and I are good.
He nods and walks away to the bedroom.
As I am about to stand, Xolani stops me.
Xolani: Give him space.
Me: No...
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: See you tomorrow.
Him: Well damn!
I pull him up and push him towards the
door.
Me: Bye, see you tomorrow!
He gets out and I lock the door. I then
make my way to the bedroom, and find
Derek lying on the
bed, facing up.
I sit on the edge and look at him.
Me: Do you want space?
He shakes his head and I keep quiet. I
don’t really know what’s happening. We
were fine mos?
He pulls me and I relax next to him.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing. I’m just tired.
That’s what I also say when something’s
bothering me and I don’t want to talk!
Me: Just remember... We value honesty,
right?
He keeps quiet and I decide to let him be.
Hopefully he’ll let me know what changed
his mood.
INSERT 46 (Short Insert)
It’s now around 7pm, and I am starving.
As I get out of bed, he groans and I get
back in and look at him. He looks so
peaceful, but I can’t
help but think, he’s not as happy or “put
together” as he makes it seem. Maybe it’s
time for me
to put on my big girl panties (excuse the
pun) and get him to fully open up. I mean,
he has
managed to get me to trust him and open
up; surely I can do the same for him?
After a while, he wakes up and looks so
innocent, that my heart dances.
Me: Hey, sleepyhead.
He looks at me and smiles lightly.
Me: How are you?
Him: I’m okay.
I want to ask him, but decide not to. I
don’t want to corner him.
Him: Are you hungry?
Me: Just a little bit.
He gets out of bed and walks to the
bathroom. He seems better, but still a bit
down.
Him: Let’s go out. I’m too lazy to cook.
Me: Or we can order something.
Him: I’d like some fresh air.
Me: Oh. Okay.
I go to the bathroom and get in the
shower. He then comes in and we clean
ourselves, without
exchanging words. I am so awkward
when it comes to such situations. We
finish showering
and he leaves me in the bathroom.
When I’m done, I walk to the bedroom
and find him getting dressed.
Me: Derek, is it me?
He stops and looks at me.
Me: Did I say something to make you feel
like this?
Him: We’ll talk later.
I nod and get dressed. Now I definitely
know that his mood has to do with me.
I’m now trying to
think of everything I said to him.
Was it the Mdu thing?
We finish up and then make our way out
of the place.
While driving, his phone rings and he
gives it to me.
Him: Please answer it.
I look at the caller id. It’s Dean.
I sigh before answering.
Me: Hello.
Dean: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: Hey.
Him: Is he there?
Me: Yes, he’s driving.
Him: Is he okay?
Me: Uhm yes...
What’s happening?
Him: Alright. Please ask him to call me
back.
Me: Okay.
Him: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I end the call.
Me: He has asked you to call him back.
He nods and then glances at me.
Now I’m down. His mood is affecting me.
I feel his hand on mine, and he brushes
my knuckles.
Him: I’m not angry.
I keep quiet and look out the window.
We get to a restaurant in Rosebank and
get a table, despite not making a
reservation.
We’ve been here for about 30 minutes,
and haven’t really spoken.
Me: What did I do?
He sighs.
Him: You didn’t really do-
Me: Don’t lie to me. I obviously said
something to offend you.
He rubs his chin and looks down.
Him: I don’t know... I just felt a bit down
after that pregnancy discussion.
Wait, what?
I look at him in confusion.
Him: It’s fine actually, let’s drop it
Me: Don’t do that.
He sighs.
Him: It’s petty.
Me: Derek, come on.
He looks at me.
Him: I just felt a bit weird after you told
me that you don’t want to be pregnant.
Me: I don’t vele.
He tries to say something, but stops
himself.
Our food comes and we begin eating.
Me: Derek, I don’t like what’s happening
right now. I feel very disconnected to you,
and I hate it.
He looks at me intently.
Me: Please talk to me. How did I offend
you?
Him: I didn’t really think about having
children until you brought the whole
pregnancy thing up.
I keep quiet. Now it makes sense, I think...
Him: I know it’s not a big deal, but I am a
bit hurt by how you’re reacting to this
whole thing.
I decide to keep quiet and let him explain
himself. I know I can come across as
insensitive at
times.
Him: And hearing how you talk about this
unconfirmed pregnancy, as if it’s
something
disgusting... It just threw me off.
Me: So... You want a baby?
He looks at me, a bit embarrassed.
Me: But...
When did this happen? How did we get to
this?
Me: Derek, I’m not ready to have a baby.
Him: I know. You’ve made that clear.
Me: But here’s what you don’t
comprehend, just because I don’t want a
baby, it doesn’t mean I
don’t want a baby with you.
He stares at me.
Me: I do want children, but I don’t them
now. I’m not ready emotionally or
financially. I’m not in
that phase yet.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Derek, I love you. I may be shitty at
times, but I really love you. Furthermore,
you already
have a place in my future. I love you that
much.
His face softens and I sigh.
Me: Maybe I’m not expressive enough,
and that’s why you’re behaving this way.
I look at him, and now I’m the emotional
one. I hate the fact that he doesn’t
understand the
depth of my love for him. I just want him
to get it through his thick skull that I love
him. A baby
won’t make any difference.
Me: You don’t need a baby to make me
stay. I want to be with you regardless. I
love you.
We are silent for a while.
Me: I apologise for making you feel like
this. I was just trying to emphasise how
worried I am
about the situation. I’m sorry for coming
across as insensitive.
Him: Your apology means a lot to me.
Me: And I hate apologising.
Him: I know.
I smile.
Me: I don’t care how long I’ve known
you... My love for you is incalculable, and
it scares me at
times.
He reaches for my hands and brushes
them.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Can we stop being sad now? It’s too
draining.
He stands and I give him a weird look.
Him: Come here.
He pulls me up and wraps his arms
around me.
Him: I love you so much, Ziyanda.
Me: I love you too.
We squeeze each other and share a kiss.
Him: I’ve run out of condoms.
I squeal and he laughs. We then sit down
and finish up eating.
Me: You know, I thought it was about
Mdu.
He looks at me weirdly.
Him: I’m not that insecure.
Me: Yaas!
He laughs and we continue chatting...
INSERT 47
Me: Derek.
Derek: Yes, baby.
Me: I’m going home today.
He stops typing whatever he is working
on, and stares at me.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: Star, I haven’t seen my parents in 4
days!
Him: Are you dead?
Me: Argh.
Him: I don’t want you to leave.
Me: Heeh so I am must die first?
He smiles and nods.
Me: I need to see my baby, Lwazi.
He raises an eyebrow.
Him: Your daughter.
Me: Yep.
Him: Hmm.
He continues typing and zones me out.
***
He’s now driving me back home.
Derek: So when am I going to officially
meet your parents?
Me: Uhm excuse me?
He chuckles.
Me: How about never?
Him: Uyahlanya.
Me: They’re going to freak out. They’ve
never met any boyfriend of mine.
Him: I’d like to think that I’m not just any
boyfriend.
Me: Hehe! Wena na.
He smiles and my heart jumps.
Me: You have the cutest smile.
Him: Really?
I nod.
Him: I thought you said it freaks you out.
Me: That was when I was in denial about
how I feel about your ass.
Him: Hmm I’m glad to know that I have an
effect on you.
Me: What?? Are you telling me that you’re
not aware of the effect you have on me?
Him: I’ve said this before... You’re stone
cold.
Me: Derek!
Him: I’m serious. There are times when I
think I’m winning, and then most of the
time I’m just
hopeful...
I laugh. So my craziness is not evident in
my actions? Does he not see how insane
he makes
me?
Me: Wow.
Him: But I know how to win you over.
He smiles mischievously and I giggle. He
then slides his hand between my thighs
and I hit him.
Me: Disgusting human being.
He laughs and focuses on the road.
Me: You think my parents want to meet
the man who’s always spreading my legs?
Him: If only they knew how loud you
moan.
Me: Derek!
He continues teasing me until we get to
my house.
Thank God my mom is still at work. My
mom is a bit intense compared to my
dad...
My dad is outside, as usual- taking care of
his customers.
As I get out of the car, Derek gets out as
well.
Me: What the hell??
He smiles.
Him: I would like to taste your father’s
food.
Me: Dere-
Him: Zip it, drama queen.
I look at him in complete shock.
My dad exclaims as soon as he sees me.
Dad: I have missed you!
Me: Me too!
I am uncomfortable as hell right now.
He spots Derek, and is a bit confused...
Then he smiles.
Dad: Hawu kanti wena you don’t change
your Uber driver, Zizi?
Me: Uhm...
Derek: Sawubona.
Dad: Hello.
My dad looks at me briefly.
Me: I mentioned that you sell amazing
chicken, now he wants to get a plate.
Dad: Ohhh kanti?
He smiles.
Dad: Hlala phansi... Futhi I have many
questions ngaleUber yenu...
Gosh I want to go, but at the same time, I
want to stay-just to make sure that Derek
doesn’t say
anything stupid.
My dad then looks at me.
Dad: And then?
Me: Huh?
Dad: Go inside phela. Angithi the Uber
driver got you home? You’ve reached
your destination, so
he’s no longer your concern.
I look at him in shock. Derek is stifling a
laugh.
Dad: Bye bye.
I reluctantly turn and make my way
inside the house. My heart beat is on
another level. I’m
freaking out!
As soon as I get inside, I go straight to the
window and take a peek. I see Derek is
sitting down,
and my dad is busy preparing his plate.
If Derek thinks he’ll get some from me,
then his ass is playing. He won’t even get
a sniff!
He’s now eating... I know for a fact that
he’s enjoying the food. My dad does the
damn thing
phela.
Argh I give up.
I go to my bedroom and unpack some of
my shit.
I eventually go out and people are out
here having fat chats and laughs
ngaphandle.
Dad: Uyaphi?
Me: I’m going to fetch Lwazi, and take her
to the mall.
Dad: Hamba neUber driver yakho phela.
I try by all means to keep a straight face.
Dad: He has explained everything to me...
He smiles and now I’m just confused.
What exactly did this man explain to my
father?
I watch as Derek stand, shake my dad’s
hand and give him money. He then comes
to me with
two plastics that have 6 takeaways.
Me: What’s happening?
Derek: Nothing.
Derek and I walk to his car and get in.
Me: You better start ta-
Him: Shhh...
Me Excuse me??
He chuckles as he starts the car and drive
off.
Me: You better check yourself!
Him: Ukhuluma kakhulu sometimes.
Me: Derek!
He looks at me and smiles playfully.
Me: What did you talk about?
Him: Uber.
Me: Uber?
Him: I’m your Uber driver, remember?
I groan and roll my eyes.
Him: Ngiyadlala, baby.
He slides his hand under my dress and
strokes my thigh.
Him: He just asked me questions about
joining Uber. I had to make shit up.
Me: He doesn’t suspect anything?
He shakes his head.
Me: Why the fuck would you even get out
of the car? How dare you?!
Him: Your father has a business, and I’m a
supporter of black businesses.
Me: Mxm.
He chuckles and I direct him to Lwazi’s
house.
Me: I’ll see you around.
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: Derek, I’m not spending the afternoon
with you, I’m spending it with Lwazi.
Him: What about me?
Me: What about you?
He sulks and pouts.
Me: Go away!
Him: I’ll go back to your father. Those old
men are good company.
Me: Asingaphaphelani, Derek.
Him: But I want to be with you...
He continues sulking till I agree.
Me: I’ll be back.
I get out of the car and make my way
inside Lwazi’s yard. As soon as she sees
me, she squeals
excitedly.
Lwazi: Mommy!
Me: Hey sweetie, are you alone?
She nods and locks up. We then make our
way out.
Me: How have you been?
Lwazi: I’m well, and you?
Me: I’m well, too.
I open the door for her and she frowns as
she gets in and sees Derek.
Lwazi: Is this the driver, mommy?
I laugh.
Me: Yes, baby. This is our driver, Uncle D.
Lwazi: Uncle D?
Me: Yes.
She keeps quiet and I get in the front.
Derek: Hi, Lwazi.
Lwazi: Hello.
It is very clear that she doesn’t feel this
one.
I look over at Derek and I know he’s a bit
touched. Lwazi doesn’t fail to make it
clear if she
doesn’t like you.
Me: We’re going to Maponya.
Derek nods and drives...
Lord, this is going to be an interesting
afternoon...
INSERT 48
We’re now at Maponya Mall and Lwazi
has been on her phone...
Gosh she’s such a mini-me. I’m sure
there’s a mini-Petty LaBelle in there
telling her to act up
and wait for me to shower her with love
and attention.
Me: Baby, let’s go.
We get out of the car.
Lwazi: Are we watching a movie,
mommy?
Me: Yes, we are. Let’s eat first. I can’t have
you eating junk in an empty stomach.
Her: I haven’t eaten at all today.
My heart aches immediately.
Me: What happened to the money I gave
you?
She shrugs.
Her: Someone took it...
I wrap my arm around her shoulders.
Me: Well we’ll stuff your face now now.
She giggles.
Me: What do you want to eat?
Her: Duuuh! McDonalds!
Me: McDs it is.
We walk to McDonalds and I look at
Derek. I can’t seem to read his expression.
Me: Are you okay?
He nods.
Him: Lwazi, what are you going to have?
Lwazi looks at him blankly and I chuckle.
She then tells him what she’ll have.
Derek: What will you have, Zi?
Me: Uhm... I’ll have a Big Mac.
He nods.
Him: Go get a table.
I nod and walk upstairs with Lwazi. We
get a table and sit.
Me: Where’s mom and dad?
Lwazi: I don’t know. They’ve been gone
for two days.
Me: What?? You’ve been living by yourself
for two days?
Lwazi: My brother was around, but he
was outside with his friends. They were
so loud and
drunk.
I groan.
Me: Did you eat yesterday?
She nods and smiles.
Lwazi: Mommy, I’m a big girl. Stop
stressing.
Me: You’re coming to my house, until they
come back. I can’t have you living by
yourself with no
food.
Lwazi: Or electricity.
For fuck’s sake, man.
Derek walks to the table with our food,
and sits.
Derek: There you go.
Lwazi: Thank you.
She delves in immediately and I try not to
show her how stressed I am. Derek looks
at me
questioningly and I just sigh and focus on
my food.
We listen to her tell us her usual crazy
and dramatic stories until we finish
eating. We then
make our way to the cinema and she
decides what she wants to watch.
She decided that yena she doesn’t want to
sit in the middle, because she wants
“breathing
space” and doesn’t want to listen to us
talk during the movie, so she skipped a
seat and
focused on the movie, while Derek and I
sat next to each other.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Not really.
He glances at me.
Me: She comes from a very fucked up
family.
Him: Really?
Me: The parents are alcoholics. The mom
and dad constantly fight, and then the dad
leaves for
days on end... The mom will then leave as
well, looking for the dad... It’s just a messy
environment.
Him: They leave her all alone?
Me: Yes, she’s been by herself for two
days now. The brother is 25, but he is also
drowning in
alcohol.
Him: That’s fucked up.
Me: My heart breaks every time I see her.
She’s not safe in that house.
I look at her, and she’s giggling away.
Me: She’s going to stay at my house until
we find a way forward.
Him: Are you going to call child protection
services?
Me: I don’t want her to go stay at some
orphanage where she’ll be treated badly.
She’ll stay at
my house for now, while I make a plan.
Him: Hmm.
He reaches for my hand and strokes it.
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: I love this girl so much. I’d kill or die
for her, honestly.
He keeps quiet and I try to focus on the
movie...
***
Me: Let’s get you some new clothes...
Lwazi: Really??
I nod and she squeals.
Lwazi: Yaay!
We walk to different stores and Derek
insists on paying...
Lol Lwazi went all out, I was even jealous
a bit. The girl got everything she wanted
and needed.
From, clothes, to shoes, to underwear...
She got it all.
By the time we were done, we (Derek)
had spent a few thousands... I was just
glad that this shit
didn’t come out of my pocket.
It’s now around 5pm, and we’re making
our way to the car.
As soon as we get in the car, Lwazi passes
out.
Me: Well aren’t you sneaky.
Derek: What?
Me: You know a girl can’t be mad at you
after such a shopping spree.
He chuckles and drives off.
Him: I’m just being a kind person...
Me: Lies!
He looks at me seriously.
Him: Am I taking you home?
Me: Where else would you take me?
Him: Your other home.
I laugh and shake my head.
Me: I can’t leave Lwazi right now.
Him: She can come with us.
Me: I don’t want to overwhelm her, Derek.
He nods and keeps quiet.
We eventually get to my house and he
parks outside. I pat Lwazi and she wakes
up.
Me: We’re here, baby. Go inside.
She blinks and looks at me so innocently,
with her cute self.
Lwazi: Okay.
She sits up and then looks at Derek.
Lwazi: Thank you for buying me
everything, Uncle D.
Derek: You’re welcome, love.
Lwazi: Goodbye. Enjoy the rest of your
evening.
Aww man.
Derek’s smile is just out of this world.
Derek: Thank you, you too.
Me: I’ll bring your things...
She nods and gets out of the car. She then
walks in the yard...
Derek: Your parents know her?
I nod.
Me: She’s part of the family.
He smiles.
Me: At least she’s not mean anymore.
He groans.
Him: She’s exactly like you.
Me: Right?
He chuckles.
Me: She’ll eventually open up to you, don’t
worry.
Him: She has no choice. It’s not like I’m
going anywhere.
Me: Gosh.
He then looks at me seriously.
Him: So I’m only seeing you on Friday?
Me: Yes, for our appointment with the
doctor.
He nods thoughtfully.
Me: See you then.
He sulks.
Me: Derek, it’s unrealistic to think we’re
going to spend every single day together.
Him: Why? There’s nothing unrealistic
about that.
Me: Well, unlike you, I live with my
parents. I can’t disappear nje just like
that.
Him: Then maybe you should move out.
Me: Were you not the one who said you
love the fact that I stay here?
Him: Argh.
I laugh and lean closer to him.
Me: I love you.
Him: No, you don’t.
Me: Such a baby.
I plant a kiss on his cheek.
Me: Thank you for today. Lwazi and I are
very grateful.
He smiles and we share a kiss. My insides
churn.
After a long kissing and touching session,
I finally get out of the car and make my
way inside
the house. I want to go back and be with
him, but I’m also glad that we’re going to
be apart for a
bit. I’m worried that I might be addicted
to him.
As I get in the house, with thousands of
plastics, Lwazi runs and helps me.
Mom: Oh wow!
Me: Hey ma.
Mom: Hey, baby. I see you had a fruitful
day.
Me: Quite.
Mom: Lwa, try on some clothes for us
phela.
Lwazi hops happily to my bedroom, and
we all laugh.
Dad: Did they disappear once again?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Mxm.
I sit down and sigh.
Me: I’m thinking of adopting her.
Both of them look at me, a bit startled.
Me: I don’t want her to stay in that house,
with those messed up people.
Just then, Lwazi walks to the lounge,
dressed in a lovely dress.
We all clap and she smiles brightly.
Dad: Beautiful!
Lwazi: Uncle D loved this one!
I swear the world stops moving!
Lwazi: Let me try on the other dress!
She walks away and I’m just out here
trying to keep a straight face.
I look at my parents, and they’re both
staring at me.
Me: So yes, I want to adopt her...
I stand.
Me: I'm sure she needs my help...
I quickly walk away.
Universe, swallow me!
INSERT 49 (Couldn’t edit)
Lwazi and I spent the following day in
bed, cuddling.
Me: What are we going to do today?
Her: Watch cartoons.
Me: Perfect!
She smiles and rests her head on my
chest.
Lwazi: I love you, mommy.
Me: I love you even more.
She giggles and dozes off once again...
My phone rings and it’s Derek video
calling me. I answer.
Me: Hey...
He’s also in bed.
Derek: I had the longest, toughest night
ever.
I giggle quietly and he groans.
Him: I’m miserable. Come back!
Me: I can’t.
Lwazi repositions and I get out bed and
go to my parents’ bedroom. I close the
door and sit on
the bed.
Me: You’re so cute.
Him: Can I come fetch you?
Me: No.
Him: Yoh.
I laugh as he continues being dramatic.
Me: I want to spend the day with Lwazi.
Him: And I want to spend all my days
with you.
Me: So dramatic!
He sulks.
Me: Okay Derek, you can spend the day
with us.
He smiles and I roll my eyes.
Him: Let’s go to Gold Reef City.
Me: Hmm that’s actually not a bad idea.
Him: I’m sure Lwazi will be ecstatic.
Me: Definitely.
Him: I’ll fetch-
Me: No, you won’t. I’m still dealing with
the repercussions of what you did
yesterday. I will meet
you somewhere.
Him: What happened?
I tell him about Lwazi mentioning him,
and he laughs.
Him: It’s about time.
Me: Hell no!
Him: So what did you tell them?
Me: Nothing. They didn’t ask me.
Him: Are you a coward, Ms Dlamini?
Me: I am not ready to introduce to my
parents.
Him: Ouch.
Me: Zip it, Sensitive Susie.
Him: So when are you planning on
introducing me?
Me: The day you take me as your wife.
Bye, see you later!
I hang up before he tries to convince me
to introduce him...
I go to the bathroom and clean myself up.
Once I’m done, I wake Lwazi up and tell
her to take a
bath.
Lwazi: Where are we going?
Me: It’s a surprise.
She smiles and gets out of bed. I clean up
the room, and then get dressed.
***
We’re now in Derek’s car... We met up
some other place, away from my house. I
can’t have my
father seeing me with him ever again.
Derek: How are you, Lwazi?
Lwazi: I’m great, and how are you, Uncle
D?
Derek: I’m fantastic, thank you.
I look at Lwazi, and she’s smiling sweetly.
Cute girl, this one.
He drives off and I listen to them chat
about her favourite music.
We finally arrive at Gold Reef City, and
Lwazi is beyond excited. We follow her
while she goes on
the rides. I didn’t even want to try
anything; the thought of twirling around
is enough to drive me
crazy.
Derek wraps his arms around me and we
share a hug.
Derek: Ms Dlamini.
He gives me a kiss and I blush.
Me: Staaap.
He chuckles and kisses me again.
Him: I can’t seem to stay away from you. I
was in a foul mood the whole night.
Me: Such a baby.
Him: You didn’t miss me?
Me: I did.
He groans and kisses my forehead.
Him: I want to be with you 24/7. You’ve
bewitched me.
Me: You are the one who’s bewitched me.
He smiles and we share another kiss.
Me: I’ve been thinking...
Him: Hmm?
Me: I want to adopt her.
His body tenses up, and he looks at me in
disbelief.
Him: What?
Me: I want to adopt her. I just want to
take care of her.
Him: But... How?
Me: How?
Him: I thought... I thought you don’t want
children.
Me: Lwazi is different, Derek. She’s been
in my life for years. I am all she has.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I told my parents and they don’t
disagree.
He sighs.
Him: That’s... That’s a lot...
Me: I know...
Him: Are you sure about this?
Me: I don’t know.
Him: So you’re against orphanages?
Me: Yes.
Him: But I turned out alright.
I keep quiet.
Him: Maybe you could get her to stay at
Twilight Orphanage.
Me: Your orphanage?
He nods and I keep quiet.
Him: I could help you.
Me: I’ll think about it.
He looks at me seriously.
Me: What?
Him: You love this child.
Me: I do. A lot.
Him: She’s lucky to have you.
I sigh and relax in his arms.
Me: I want her to live comfortably.
He kisses my forehead and we watch as
Lwazi runs to us.
Lwazi: That was amazing!
Derek: Great. Where do you want to go
next?
Lwazi: Tower of-
Me: Nope. You’re too young.
Lwazi: But mommy!
Me: Uh-uh.
She continues begging me but ends up
giving up. We then went to the more kid-
friendly rides.
Derek: She’s adorable.
Me: Too much, but she thinks her
cuteness will allow her to do as she
pleases.
He chuckles and looks at me intently.
Me: What?
Him: Nothing.
Me: We should probably get something to
eat now... We’ve been here for a while
now.
He nods and we continue chatting as we
wait for Lwazi. She eventually comes and
wraps her
arms around me.
Lwazi: You’re the best!
I squeeze her.
Me: Ready to eat?
Her: One more ride? Please?
Me: Nope. You have to eat.
Her: Pleeeease?!
I shake my head. She then looks at Derek
and blinks innocently.
Her: Uncle D, please?
She lets go of me and wraps her arms
around Derek.
This child!
I watch as Derek gets lost in her spell.
Derek: Okay, one last ride.
Lwazi: Yaaay!
She runs off and we follow her.
Me: Gosh! Derek!
Him: What?
Me: Uyabhora yazi. Why in the world
would you give in like that??
Him: But... But I was just...
He sighs.
Me: Argh.
Him: She’s so cute.
Me: Hai suka.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and
we wait for Lwazi.
Him: Did I really give in?
Me: Yes!
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Me: Channel your inner strictness, Daddy
D.
He laughs and I roll my eyes.
Me: You can’t be out here falling for
dimples and sparkly eyes.
Him: Whatever, Nanny McZee.
Me: Wow!
Lwazi finally comes back...
Me: Can we get out of here? I’m over the
crowd.
Derek: Sure.
He then looks at Lwazi.
Derek: Did you have fun?
Lwazi: Yes!
She is just on another level right now.
***
We’ve now eaten, and it’s safe to say that
Lwazi and Derek have formed a little
relationship that
I don’t like. Derek is proving to be
spellbound here. I just can’t deal.
As we’re driving to Soweto, my phone
rings. It’s Nomvuyo. I answer.
Me: Vuvu!
Nomvuyo: Hey, you!
Me: How are you?
Her: I’m well, and you?
Me: Ngi-right.
Her: Ukuphi?
Me: On my way home.
Her: Are you with Derek?
Me: Yes.
Her: Say hi to him.
Me: Okay.
Her: When am I seeing you?
Me: I’ll call you later.
Her: Okay, love.
Me: Bye.
Her: Bye.
I hang up.
After a while, we get to Soweto, and he
parks outside my house.
Lwazi: Thank you, Uncle D!
Derek: You’re welcome, baby.
Lwazi: Byeee!
Derek: Bye.
Me: And remember, you do not mention
anything about Uncle D.
She giggles and nods.
Lwazi: Your secret is safe with me!
She giggles as she gets out and makes her
way inside.
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow...
He sighs and nods.
Me: Love you.
Him: Love you more.
We share kiss and I get out of the car...
When I walk in the house, Lwazi is now
watching TV
with my mom.
Me: Ma.
Mom: Hi, baby.
Me: I’m exhausted...
She laughs.
Mom: Kids tend to have that effect...
Me: Hmm...
I go to my bedroom, and throw myself on
the bed...
I’m glad I’m finally seeing the doctor, but I
honestly don’t want to face the results...
INSERT 50
The following day, Lwazi begged me to
come with to the doctor, and I declined.
I don’t want her to be around when I am
told the results...
As I am walking out of the yard, my dad
calls me. I walk to him and he smiles.
Dad: You’ve really grown yazi...
I smile.
Me: I don’t know if that’s a good thing.
Him: Of course it is... I am very proud of
you. You’ve been respectful all your life-
we’ve never
had any problems with you.
Me: Thank you.
He chuckles and nods.
Him: Hamba ke. I’m sure Derek is
waiting...
My eyes pop out.
Me: Huh?!
He looks at me weirdly.
Him: Did you really think that I’m that
dumb kodwa Ziyanda?
Me: But... He... He’s...
Him: He’s your boyfriend.
I try to say something, but words fail me.
He looks at me playfully and I still don’t
say anything.
One of his customers walks to us and
greets. They begin having a conversation,
and then he
looks at me.
Dad: Bye bye, sisi.
He focuses on his customer and I find
myself walking away.
***
As I get in Derek’s car, I find him smiling
brightly.
Derek: Sthandwa sami.
Me: I want nothing to do with you.
His facial expression changes and he
looks at me in shock.
Me: How dare you tell my father about
us? How dare you?
He tries to say something but stops
himself.
Me: I told you I’m not fucken ready! Why
do you always feel the need to be
forward?
Him: Excuse me?
Me: I told you I’m not ready to introduce
you to my parents, and you blatantly
disregarded that.
Why, Derek?
He keeps quiet.
Me: I don’t care how much we love each
other, I told you I’m not ready, and you
decided to do
your own shit and go against my wishes.
I see his jaw tighten.
Me: Is this how our relationship is going
to be like? I express my wishes and you go
against
them?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Mxm.
He starts the car and drives off.
To be honest, I really don’t appreciate
what he did. I made it clear that I don’t
want to introduce
him to my parents, so why would he do
such? I don’t find it cute at all. I know that
my parents
will love him; I know this for a fact.
However, I wanted to sit them down and
explain everything
properly. He might not understand this,
but I wanted to introduce him properly.
What annoys me more is that I told him
not to do this, but he decided not to listen,
and do his
own shit. That’s what pisses me off more.
His intent may have been innocent, but he
still went
against my wishes.
We get to the doctor and the tension
between us is as thick as my thighs.
He speaks to the receptionist and we are
led to some room.
The doctor walks in and smiles. She sits
on a chair and looks at us.
Doctor: Good afternoon.
Derek: Hi.
She looks at both us and smiles
awkwardly.
Doctor: Uhm so you’re here for a
pregnancy test?
Derek nods.
Doctor: Okay... I have to ask you a few qu-
Derek: We don’t have time for all of that.
Surely this is not a HIV test.
Both the doctor and I, stare at him.
Whoa.
Doctor: Oh... Uhm...
She tries to keep a straight face, but I can
tell that she felt that.
She stands.
Doctor: I will be back shortly.
She walks out of the room, and there is
complete silence. I’m still pissed, and he is
obviously
feeling some type of way, and I really
don’t care. Screw him.
The doctor comes back and sits down.
She stares at us.
Doctor: There are two main types of
pregnancy tests- blood tests and urine
tests. These tests
identify pregnancy by detecting a
hormone called Human Chorionic
Gonadotropin (hGC) which
is commonly known as the pregnancy
hormone. This hormone is created soon
after the embryo
has attached itself to the uterine lining in
the womb. This hormone is easily
measurable in the
blood and urine within 10 days of
fertilization, or 1 or 2 days after
implantation has taken place.
My heart rate at this point is out of this
world. I’m shocked I haven’t peed on
myself.
Doctor: There are two types of blood tests
for pregnancy: a quantitative blood test,
and a
qualitative blood test. A quantitative
blood test measures the exact amount of
hCG in the
blood. In other words, we are able to tell
the age of the fetus. The qualitative blood
test, on the
other hand, gives a simple yes or no
answer to whether you are pregnant or
not.
I am so overwhelmed right now; that I
don’t know what is happening to my
body. My anxiety is
doing the most.
Doctor: Are we all on the same page?
Derek nods, and she looks at me. I nod.
Doctor: Alright, so which blood test do
you want us to conduct?
Derek: A qualitative blood test is fine for
now.
The doctor looks at me and I just nod.
She nods.
Doctor: Alright then, we need to draw
your blood...
Derek: When will we get the results?
Doctor: In 2-4 hours.
We are now in another room... A nurse
walks in and they explain what they’re
going to do...
I can’t even hear anything right now. My
brain and body is not functioning
properly.
She first cleans the area with an
antiseptic, and then she applies
something that apparently
enlarges the vein... She then withdraws
the blood from my forearm and at this
point I’m a
sobbing mess.
I hate needles, I hate blood...
Derek is now by my side, holding my
hand. Once they’re done, I cry even more.
Now I’m crying
because of our fight earlier. I’m still
pissed at him for what he did, but now I’m
so scared about
the possibility of being pregnant, that I’m
just an emotional mess.
The doctor brings a glass of water, and
they try to calm me down.
Derek asks her to leave us, and she walks
out. He then wraps his arms around me
and I rest my
head on his shoulder. I can hear him
breathe, as his mouth is by my ear.
Him: Zi, breathe...
The warmth of his body is comforting... I
concentrate on his breathing, and slowly
follow his
pace...
I concentrate on nothing else but his
breathing...
After 5 minutes, I feel myself stabilize
again.
He strokes my back gently and I look at
him.
He looks a bit frightened, but I can tell his
trying not to show me.
Him: Are you okay?
I rest my head on his shoulder again and
close my eyes. I just need to fully gather
myself.
I feel his lips on my cheek and I look up at
him again.
Him: I’m sorry for going against your
wishes.
I nod.
Him: I didn’t mean to-
Me: I’m sorry... I overreacted. I know you
didn’t mean any harm.
He plants a kiss on my forehead, and then
plants another one on my nose. Then he
gets to my
mouth.
Him: Feeling better?
I nod and we share a slow kiss.
It seals the deal.
I feel more stable.
Him: I love you.
Me: And that scares me.
Him: I would never hurt you intentionally,
Ziyanda. You need to trust me.
My eyes tear up again and he kisses my
forehead.
Him: I will make mistakes, I’m only
human. However, I don’t go around
hurting my loved ones
deliberately.
We stand there for a while and he plants a
kiss on my lips.
Him: Let’s get a milkshake, while we wait
for the results.
Me: Milkshake?
Him: Yes.
Me: Uhm okay...
We let go of each other and the doctor
walks in. She confirms that the results
will be ready in
about 2 hours, and she’ll call us.
We walk out...
INSERT 51
We’re now in his car, drinking our
milkshakes.
Me: You are quite random.
Derek: Why?
Me: Milkshakes?
He chuckles and we sit in silence.
Me: You were so mean to that doctor.
Him: She was quite annoying.
Me: She was following procedure.
Him: I wasn’t in the mood.
Me: I pissed you off that much?
Him: You didn’t piss me off per se... You
just threw me off.
Me: Sorry.
Him: Your father told me he knows about
us.
Me: What??
Him: He said I have two choices: I
continue lying and get beaten, or I tell the
truth and stay alive.
Me: My father said that??
He chuckles and nods.
Him: I was a bit freaked out because he
was quite serious.
Me: Whoa...
He sighs.
Him: I had no choice but to tell him.
Me: What did you tell him?
Him: That I’m in love with you.
I sigh.
We sit in silence once again, and his
phone rings, and he answers.
Derek: Yes?... No, I’m not at my place, ma...
No, I won’t be able to see you today,
maybe
tomorrow... Yes... I am with Ziyanda... No, I
can’t meet you today, I’ll see you
tomorrow... Bye...
He hangs up and grunts.
I won’t even bother asking what’s up.
He then reaches for my hand and brushes
it.
Him: I’m sorry for angering you...
Me: It’s okay... I guess you had no choice.
Him: Give me a kiss.
I lean closer to him and we share a kiss. I
feel myself relax even more, and he
smiles.
Me: I’m meeting my psychiatrist on
Monday.
Him: Really?
I nod.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I see her once or twice a month...
He nods and we sit in silence once again.
His phone rings again, and he answers.
Him: Hello?... Oh... Okay, thanks, we’ll be
there shortly...
My heart starts beating fast.
Him: Baby, that was the doctor... The
results are ready.
I groan and he brushes my hand.
He then starts the car and drives off...
***
We get to the room we were in earlier,
and sit next to each other. The doctor
walks in with an
envelope and sits as well.
Doctor: Hi again.
Derek and I nod.
Doctor: I have your results here...
Derek puts his hand out and the doctor
gives him the results.
At this point I have zoned her out.
Derek opens the envelope and reads
silently...
Why isn’t he saying anything?
He gives me the paper, and my hand is
shaking...
I read it...
I don’t really understand what is
happening...
She begins to explain the hormone levels
or whatever...
Me: Am I pregnant or not?
Her: According to your hCG levels, you’re
not pregnant.
Father God! Lord Jesus!
I exhale very loudly, and feel the whole
world spin for a couple of seconds.
Me: I’m not pregnant??
The doctor nods and I exhale again.
If this whole experience was supposed to
teach me lesson, I have definitely learnt it.
Doctor: Would you like me to tell you
about the different contraceptives
available for you?
I look over at Derek, and he literally looks
like he has been punched in the face
multiple times.
I understand that he wanted this child,
but it’s still early. We’re still getting to
know each other,
and a baby would come in between that.
Me: Uhm, please excuse us for a moment?
The doctor nods and stands. She then
walks out and closes the door.
I look at Derek and it doesn’t take rocket
science to figure out that he is
disappointed.
Me: Derek.
He glances at me.
Me: I’m sorry.
He nods.
Him: I’ll wait in the car.
He stands and walks out of the room.
Shortly after, the doctor comes back and
we discuss an
appropriate contraceptive plan...
After a while, we finish up, and I make my
way outside.
As I walk to the car, I’m not going to lie,
I’m beyond happy about this. I am not
ready to carry a
child and be a mother... I then think about
Lwazi... I think my parents should be the
one to adopt
her. She can live with us...
I get in the car, and find Derek sleeping...
Me: Derek, let’s go...
He adjusts his seat and starts the car.
Derek: I’ll drop you off at home...
Me: Okay.
We drive in silence.
I know he’s not happy about this, but it’s
honestly better this way. He’ll get over it.
I’ll give him
some space, and he’ll come to terms with
it.
We finally get to Soweto, and he parks
outside my house.
Me: Bye.
Him: Bye.
I plant a kiss on his cheek.
Me: Love you.
Him: Love you too.
I get out of the car and make my way
inside the house. I find Lwazi dancing in
the lounge,
listening to Justin Bieber.
Me: Hey, baby.
Lwazi: Hey, mommy!
We share a hug and she continues
dancing. I sit down and watch her... I feel
so lighter...
She eventually stops and then sits next to
me.
Me: Lwazi.
Her: Yes?
Me: You know that I love you, right?
She nods.
Her: Duuuh!
I smile and she stands and continues
doing her thing. I walk to my bedroom
and throw myself
on the bed.
I then get a call, and answer it sleepily.
Me: Hello?
Person: Hi, am I speaking to Ziyanda?
Me: Yes... Who am I speaking to?
Person: Derek’s mother, Khwezi.
I quickly get up and my heart starts
racing.
Khwezi: I would like to meet with you.
Me: Excuse me?
Her: When are you available?
Me: Uhm...
Her: Would you like me to send a car to
fetch you?
Me: Uhm sorry... I’m not available right
now.
She doesn’t say anything.
Me: We can meet tomorrow.
Her: Okay. 10am, Wanderers Club.
Me: Bu-
Her: I will send a driver for you...Goodbye.
She hangs up and I sit there, still confused
and shocked.
Seconds later, my phone rings and it’s
Niki.
Niki: Babe.
Me: Hey, you.
Her: I’m knocking off early today. Ukuphi?
Me: At home.
Her: Can we just have a few drinks
eVilakazi? I miss you.
Me: Uhm okay.
Her: I’ll let you know when you should
leave the house.
Me: Okay.
Her: Bye.
Me: Shap.
She hangs up and I throw myself on the
bed again.
I guess I could use a few drinks...
INSERT 52 (Couldn’t edit)
I arrive at Vilakazi, Nex Door, and find
Niki already there.
Me: Nik Nak!
Niki: Ziyaya!
We share a long hug and sit.
Me: It’s been so long!
Her: Angithi uyajola.
I groan as I think of Derek. I really miss
him. We haven’t spoken since the
pregnancy thing.
Her: So fill me in!
Me: Gosh where do I even begin?
I start from scratch, just so I can build
context of everything. I tell her every
single thing...
She sips her drink and sighs dramatically.
Niki: Friend, that is crazy! So Mdu is part
of the family?
Me: Yep.
Niki: Why are all your exes like this? They
all have to be part of your life somehow.
Me: So annoying!
Her: So you want to adopt Lwazi?
I nod.
Her: I think it’s a good idea, but I don’t
think you should be the adopter. You
parents should...
Me: That’s what I was thinking vele.
Her: That would change her life for the
better. Those parents are horrible.
Me: There’s no way I’m going to let her
live in an orphanage. She should live with
us officially.
She nods.
Me: This pregnancy thing almost killed
me.
Her: I can only imagine.
She then looks at me seriously.
Her: That’s the disadvantage of being with
someone older, and more experienced.
He’s ready to
settle down, and you’re not.
Me: True.
Her: Don’t allow him to make you feel
guilty for not walking at the same pace as
him. You two
haven’t even been dating for six months,
yet he wants to have children? Haibo he
needs to chill.
I chuckle.
I can always trust this one to put things in
perspective.
Her: Has he dealt with you when you’re
experiencing a depressive episode? Can
he confidently
say that he accepts you and your mental
illness?
I sigh.
Her: You guys still have a long way to go.
Use this time to get to know more about
each other. A
baby was just going to get in the way.
Me: True...
Her: He needs to understand how difficult
it is to be close to someone with a mental
illness. I
don’t think he fully understands...
Me: He tries...
Her: Good. He should stay longer, and
completely understand the type of person
you are, and
how to deal with you when things are not
so great.
I nod.
Her: He seems like a good person... I hope
he is...
Me: He is...
Her: Then I am happy for you... I’m just
here to protect you, at the end of the day.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
We continue chatting for a while, and
then my phone rings.
Me: It’s him.
Her: Hopefully, he is over it. He must stop
being a baby...
She chuckles.
Her: Excuse the pun.
Me: Argh. He is my baby.
Her: Weeeh!
I stand and go to the bathroom as I
answer.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Where are you?
Me: Vilakazi, with Niki.
He is quiet for a few seconds.
Him: Can I come?
Me: Of course.
Him: Thank you.
Argh this one is so sweet though. Such a
big baby.
Me: See you soon.
Him: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and walk back to our table.
Niki: How is he?
Me: He’s on his way.
Her: Good. It’s about time I meet this sexy
beast.
Me: Sexy soul snatcher.
We laugh and continue chatting.
After an hour or so, he texts to tell me he’s
arrived. I walk to the entrance and see
him. He spots
me and walks in.
Me: Hey.
He wraps his arms around me.
Him: Hey.
As he’s about to kiss me, the security
guard asks us to move, because we’re
blocking the way.
Mxm jealous idiot.
We walk to the table and find Niki, on her
phone.
I clear my throat and she looks up. She
looks at Derek, and I know what she’s
thinking.
Sexy motherfucken beast.
Me: Star, this is Niki, whom I’ve told you
about...
He smiles.
Me: Niki, you know who this is...
Niki: Uh-uh, introduce us properly!
I laugh and she stands.
Niki: Hey Derek, how are you?
Derek smiles warmly and they share a
hug.
Derek: I’m well, thank you. How are you?
Niki: I guess I’m well too.
He chuckles and we all sit.
Niki: Geesh you are really easy on the eye,
hey.
Derek: Thank you.
The waiter comes and Derek orders a
beer. Niki then asks for another bottle of
wine...
Derek glances at me and smiles lightly.
Derek: Drinking spree?
Me: Not really.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders
and we share a kiss.
We stop, and Niki rolls her eyes.
Niki: So Derek, let’s get down to it...
Derek: Oh shit...
I laugh.
Niki goes on to ask him lots of questions,
while I chuckle away.
After about an hour, I think she is
satisfied. We’re now talking about
random things.
Niki: Have you ever dated someone with a
mental illness?
Derek shakes his head.
Niki: Hmkay...
Derek seems uncomfortable.
Niki: Don’t be uncomfortable. We
accepted a long time ago that Zi has this,
and we pledged to
never be ashamed or sugar coat things.
Derek: Oh...
He looks at Niki seriously.
Niki: I’m very happy for you two... Just
know though, that if you hurt her, I’m
right here, ready to
fight...
Derek: I’m not safe, am I?
Me: First my dad, now this one... Askies...
He looks at me and smiles. We then share
a kiss.
Niki’s phone rings and she walks away...
Me: I hope she didn’t overwhelm you.
He shakes his head.
Him: I like her... Straightforward.
Me: She’s like a sister.
He nods.
Him: I love her for loving you... Very
heart-warming.
I smile and he kisses me.
Him: I’m sorry about earlier.
Me: It’s okay.
Him: Was a little disappointed.
I keep quiet.
Him: How are you?
Me: Honestly?
He nods.
Me: I’m relieved.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: The idea of having a baby is great, but
realistically we’re not ready. I think we
still need to
spend more time together, and get to
know each other, you know?
Him: Yes.
Me: I still want you all to myself.
Him: You do?
Me: I was going to be a very jealous
mother.
He smiles.
Me: I would have a love-hate relationship
with your child.
He laughs and I kiss him.
Me: I’m now on contraceptives...
Him: Good.
I smile.
Him: Now can we go home? I’d like to get
drunk as well.
Me: Yaas!
He chuckles.
Me: I’ll be drunk in love with you...
Niki comes back.
Niki: Do you guys want to com-
Me: Nope.
She rolls her eyes and Derek looks at me
questioningly.
Me: She wants us to go paint the town red
with her.
Derek: Oh... No, thank you.
Me: That’s not our thing.
Niki: Starting to sound like an old married
couple. Check yourselves, my loves.
We laugh.
Niki: See you...
She packs her things.
Niki: Derek, I hope to see you soon. It was
lovely getting to know you.
Derek: Likewise.
He stands and they share a hug.
Niki: I’m guessing you’ll cover the bill?
Coz I mean, you have to score brownie
points, fam.
Derek: I’ve got you.
Niki: You see, you? You is kind and you is
important.
She blows me a kiss.
Niki: Byee!
Me: Bye.
She rushes out and I shake my head.
Derek: She reminds me of Ivy...
Me: Euww my best friend is nothing like
that girl.
He laughs and calls the waiter...
***
We’re now heading to his place in
Maboneng, and I am beyond thankful that
he’s feeling
better...
Me: I think we’ve now established how to
deal with conflict between us?
He reaches for my hand and nods.
Him: But don’t give me too much space...
Me: Wow dramatic much?
Him: I did say you bewitched me...
I smile and squeeze his hand...
Universe, you is great!
INSERT 53 (Short Insert)
When we get to his apartment, we take a
shower, and go to the lounge and watch
some TV.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Him: I think we should move in together...
Me: Excuse me?
I look at him and he seems serious.
Me: Derek!
Him: What?
Me: Are you crazy??
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: I am not moving in with you. That’s
like forbidden in our culture.
Him: Why? I want to be with you all the
time.
I look at him in shock.
Him: And it’s not like I’m not going to
marry you.
I chuckle.
Me: You’re going to marry me?
Him: You think I’m going to allow another
man to be with you?
Me: Hehe.
Him: So you don’t see yourself as my
wife?
Me: Uhm... I’m not thinking that far.
Him: Well, too bad...
He kisses my forehead.
Him: We’re in this till death.
Somehow, I believe him...
Me: But we can’t move in together now.
Him: Why?
Me: Because!
He chuckles.
Him: I don’t give a shit about traditions
and shit. I want to move in with you
because I love you
and want to be with you every day.
Me: And my parents?
Him: What about them?
Me: Derek!
Him: They can’t complain. I’m sure they’re
tired of you. You’ve been invading their
space since
birth. You’re 25 years old now.
I keep quiet.
Him: You want me to ask them?
Me: Don’t even test me, Nkanyezi.
Him: I’m serious. I think it’s the perfect
way to get to know each other.
I groan and he laughs.
Him: Hmkay I’ll drop it.
Me: Please.
He kisses my forehead.
Me: So about the Lwazi situation...
Him: Yes?
Me: I think my parents should be the ones
who adopt her...
He nods.
Me: And she can stay with us.
Him: You’re against orphanages?
Me: Definitely. I think it would harm me
more than Lwazi.
He chuckles.
Me: I love her.
Him: And I love you even more for that.
You’re amazing.
Me: Really? Silly old me?
He makes me reposition, so I can face him.
Him: This child will never forget what
you’ve done for her.
I smile and kiss him.
Me: Just like I won’t forget what you’ve
done for me.
Him: What in the world have I done?
Me: You’ll always be the guy who taught
me how to love again.
Him: Really? Silly old me?
We share a kiss and continue chatting...
Me: Oh BTW, your mother called me.
His body tenses up and he looks at me
seriously.
Me: She wants to meet...
Him: What?
Me: Even sending a driver, honey. Lavish
lifestyle!
Him: What the fuck does she want?
Me: I don’t know. I hope she’s not trying
to shoo me away, because it won’t work.
He smiles.
Him: It won’t?
Me: Boo, I’m here to stay. Ain’t no way
imma let you go!
He laughs.
Him: Well that’s comforting.
Me: Let me tell you something interesting
about myself...
Him: I’m all ears.
Me: I used to beat people up.
Him: Huh?
I chuckle.
Me: I used to fight a lot.
Him: Fight who? Fight for what? Ziyanda!
Me: I couldn’t control my anger. I used to
have quick hands. Punch bitches left, right
and centre.
His eyes pop out and I smile innocently.
Me: But that was back in varsity... I’ve
outgrown fist fighting.
Him: What the fuck??
I chuckle.
Him: But why?
Me: Haibo Star, why do people fight? I had
a lot to be mad about...
He looks at me in shock.
I laugh at him for a few minutes until he
snaps out of it.
Me: But you can’t possibly be shocked.
Him: I know you’re strong and-
Me: Crazy.
He smiles.
Him: But I didn’t think you’d physically
hit people.
Me: Ya well...
Him: So you’ve stopped?
Me: Yes.
He chuckles.
Me: Ivy, tested me a bit... If I met her years
ago, I would definitely beat her...
Him: Really?
Me: She rubs me the wrong way.
Him: Ohh yes, I remember. You didn’t like
her.
Me: Argh, so annoying.
He kisses me and spanks my butt.
Him: She also annoys me.
Me: Really?
Him: Your enemy is my enemy.
Me Yaas!
I kiss him.
Me: Can you believe she said that we have
sexual tension?
Him: Who??
Me: Mina naye.
Him: Uyanya.
I giggle.
Me: Sizom’nyisa neh?
Him: Angasinyeli.
We share another kiss...
***
The following morning, I decided to wake
up early and make breakfast for him.
I look at all my ingredients, and smile.
This will be amazing!
After about 2 hours, I manage to make
bacon, eggs, toast, and hash browns.
I dish up for him and make my way to the
bedroom, with a tray.
Me: Wakey wakeeey!
He opens his eyes and blinks.
Me: Wakeey!
He smiles and sits up.
Me: Morning, snore face.
Him: I do not snore!
Me: Well...
Him: You should be the last person
talking, snorey.
Me: Fuck off, fam.
We laugh and I place the tray on his lap.
Him: Oh...
He smiles...
Him: Looks... Uhm... Very delicious.
Me: Really? Yaay!
He smiles.
Me: Eat up, soldier.
Him: I’d like to eat you first...
I blush.
Me: No, eat this first.
He sighs and takes a bite of the toast.
Him: Hmm...It’s so...well-done.
I smile proudly.
He then takes a bite of a hash brown.
Him: Delicious...
Me: Try the bacon, it’s to die for!
He takes a bite of some bacon and smiles.
Him: Stunning.
I smile and stand.
Me: Yaaas! And they said I couldn’t cook!
Mama I made it!
I twerk playfully and within seconds, he
pulls me and the tray has vanished.
Me: DHim:
You can’t be shaking your ass like that,
and expect me to focus on bacon and eggs.
I squeal and he chuckles.
Me: That was a joyful twerk...
Him: Joyful twerk?
Me: Yep.
He repositions and I find myself on top.
Him: How about you twerk right here...
I feel his erection between my thighs.
Me: Yaas!
INSERT 54
It’s been a week, and Derek and I have
been locked up in his place...
We’re now having lunch on the balcony.
Me: Can I go home to my mom and dad,
please?
He groans.
Me: Your pouting won’t help anymore. I
won’t fall for it.
Derek: But, I don’t want you to leave...
He sulks and I smile.
Me: As cute as you are right now, I refuse
to fall for it.
He focuses on his food and I stand.
Me: Don’t be pouty; I’ll see you in a couple
of days.
I walk in, and go to the kitchen. He follows
me, and I move aside, so that he can wash
the
dishes. Derek refuses to let me do
anything when we’re together. I volunteer
to clean, he
refuses. I volunteer to cook, he refuses...
He insists that I need to “rest” and that
doesn’t even
make sense.
He finishes cleaning up and then looks at
me.
Derek: Uhamba nini?
Me: Today.
He sighs and nods.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: I love spending time with you.
He says that so innocently, that I smile.
Me: You’re cute.
He wraps his arms around me and I melt.
Me: It’ll only be a couple of days. I just
don’t want them to feel abandoned.
He nods lightly and kisses my cheek.
Him: You’ve become my drug.
Me: I don’t know if that’s a good thing.
Him: Not the toxic kind.
I smile and we share a kiss.
Him: Get ready...
Me: Okay.
I walk to the bedroom, to get some
things...
As I am busy, something tells me to go to
the lounge...I walk back there, and my jaw
almost
drops when I see Derek’s mom, Khwezi,
sitting on the couch.
Derek and I had decided that I shouldn’t
even meet with her. I told him I was not in
the mood to
deal with his mom, because let’s face it,
the woman is not that kind.
Me: Good afternoon.
Khwezi turns and looks at me from head
to toe, expressionlessly.
Argh.
Khwezi: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: How are you?
Her: I am well, and you?
Me: I am well, thanks.
She stares at me and I squirm.
Derek walks to the lounge and looks at
me with a smile on his face.
Derek: Ready to go, baby?
Me: Yes.
Khwezi: I find it rude that you decided to
cancel on our meeting so suddenly.
Me: Oh... I a-
Derek: She was busy.
She looks at him sharply, and he seems
unaffected.
Derek: Remind me why you’re here?
I look at Derek in shock. I have never
heard him address someone like this,
especially his mom!
Khwezi: How disrespectful! Is this what
she is teaching you?
Derek: Excuse me?
Khwezi: Is she influencing all this
disrespect?
Derek: Mom, how may I help you? What I
won’t do is sit here and listen to you
disrespect
Ziyanda.
At this point, I am watching a movie. This
shit right here is deep!
Khwezi: Wow!
She looks at him in shock.
Derek: We really have to go... I thought we
agreed on calling before we pitch at
someone’s
place?
Khwezi: Derek Nkanyezi Ngidi!
Derek keeps quiet.
Khwezi: How dare you?!
She stands and walks to him. She lays a
good slap, and I instantly walk to her.
She’s not about
to hit my man! I don’t care if she’s his
mama.
Khwezi: How dare you disrespect me?!
How dare you?!
Derek rubs his cheek lightly and looks at
her unemotionally. I have never seen him
like this! This
is not my Nkanyezi! This woman is
bringing out a side of him I am not
familiar with!
Khwezi: I raise you, and then you talk to
me like I’m some whore in the streets?!
Derek keeps quiet.
She slaps him again.
Me: Mrs Ngidi!
She looks at me and I shudder. She also
looks unfamiliar at this point. The class
and poise is
gone with the wind.
Khwezi: You, shut up!
Me: Why are you doing this? I haven’t
bee-
I feel a piercing hot sensation on my
cheek, and I swear to the Universe, I lose
it. Did this
woman really slap me?
As I try to reach for her, Derek is already
blocking my way. He wraps his arms
around me, and I
hear Khwezi throwing insults left, right
and centre.
What the hell is this woman’s problem?
She physically assaults me, and then goes
on to do the
most verbally? What is wrong with her?
Derek: Ziyanda...
At this point, I have completely zoned out.
Derek: Ziyanda...
I finally snap out of it, and walk to the
bedroom. I throw myself on the bed, and
count to a 100.
This woman is still out there throwing
insults. I learnt today that I am a peasant
whore, who
sleeps with men, just to get a taste of the
good life.
Really? Is this why she wanted to meet
with me? To insult me over mimosas?
I must have dozed off, because I feel
Derek planting kisses on my face. I open
my eyes and
groan.
Derek: Finally.
He plants a kiss on my eye lids, and I
snuggle closer to him.
Me: How long have I been asleep?
Him: About 2 hours.
I inhale his scent and my body relaxes
further.
Me: Where is your psycho mom?
Him: Threw her out.
Me: Threw her out??
He grunts.
Me: What was that about?
Him: She’s a crazy woman.
Me: Well duuh.
He chuckles and plants a kiss on my
forehead.
Him: I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Me: She actually slapped me!
I look up at him in disbelief and he smiles.
Him: Your reaction was priceless...
Me: The nerve!
I snuggle and inhale him again.
Me: Fucked up.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I thought you guys had a good
relationship?
Him: Mxm.
I want to know more, but I don’t think he
wants to talk. Also, I’m not in the mood,
myself. I’m a
bit drained.
Him: Are you still going home?
I shake my head, and I know he is smiling.
Me: Tomorrow.
He repositions me and I find myself on
top of him.
Him: No one will ever disrespect you, so
long as I live.
I blush.
Him: I don’t give a shit if it’s a family
member or a random person. No one will
disrespect you.
Me: You don’t have to defend me...
Him: I know you can fight your own
battles, but I’m not going to tolerate
bullshit when it comes
to you. She really tested me today.
Me: I’m okay.
I kiss him.
Me: Has she always felt this way about
me?
Him: Since that fundraising lunch.
Me: Wow. Just because I’m poor?
Him: Mxm.
Me: How shallow...
Him: She’s been bothering me since...
Me: She wants you to end things with me?
He nods.
Him: As if I’m some teenager who’ll follow
whatever she says... Imagine...
I sigh.
Me: Well that’s unfortunate...
Him: Let’s stop talking about her.
Me: Okay.
Him: And let’s talk about us...
Me: Us?
Him: I really want you to move in with
me.
Me: Derek!
Him: I’m serious.
I keep quiet.
I don’t want to tell him that part of me
also wants to live with him... I’ve been
thinking about it,
and I kinda get what he’s saying. But I
know that shit ain’t right.
Me: Let’s date for a while.
Him: I just think that...
He keeps talking...
I start dry humping him slowly...
I need to distract him, so he can stop
talking about this living situation...
He falls for it...
Soon, we’re rolling around the bed,
making out...
INSERT 55
Melinda looks at me and smiles.
Melinda: I’m happy to see you!
Me: Me too!
We get to her “office” and sit on the single
couches opposite each other.
Melinda: How have you been?
I sigh and try to find an appropriate word
to describe how I feel...
Melinda is my psychiatrist... I’ve been
under her wing for a couple of years now.
She’s the only
person in my life who truly knows and
understands what I go through. She has
helped me a lot!
Me: Hmm I think I feel content.
She raises an eyebrow and smiles.
Her: Content?
Me: Yes, a huge part of me is at ease.
She smiles and nods.
Me: A lot has happened since I last saw
you.
Her: Really?
Me: Yep.
I begin to tell her about Derek, and how
our “love story” began.
She listens attentively, as usual, and I find
myself talking nonstop. She likes it when
I’m like this,
considering how closed-off I am.
After a while, I finish up, and she nods.
Her: So you’ve found love?
Me: I think so... Yes...
She smiles.
Her: You look and sound happy. That is
great.
Me: I guess...
I sigh.
Me: I have a couple of things bothering
me though.
Her: Go on...
Me: He knows about my issues.
Her: You told him?
Me: Yes.
Her: How did that conversation go?
Me: Uhm it wasn’t really a conversation.
We were just having a deep moment and I
briefly
mentioned some of the things I went
through.
Her: So it wasn’t a full-on conversation?
I nod.
Her: And does he know about your
anxiety?
Me: Yes. He has seen me go through a few
attacks, but they weren’t that bad.
She nods.
Me: Do you think I should have a
conversation with him?
She nods slowly.
Her: From what you’ve told me, it seems
like this is a serious relationship. I think
it’s only fair,
for you and him, to be on the same page
about you.
I nod.
Her: People have a lot of misconceptions
about depression. Firstly, they think
there’s only one
type of depression, whereas there are
various types. Secondly, they think
depression is as
simple as feeling sad. They think you’re
just going through the blues, but they
aren’t aware that
the symptoms can even manifest
themselves physically. Additionally, they
think
antidepressants are the easy answer, and
that they solve the illness instantly. They
have no
idea that it takes time to find the right
medication for each individual- it’s trial
and error.
Me: Or that people are always depressed
for a reason.
She nods.
Her: They always need a definitive source
to explain the illness. Depression can be
genetic; it
can be caused by no reason at all.
However, on the other side of the coin,
going through
something difficult or tragic can cause
depressive symptoms without you
actually being
depressed...
Me: I guess that distinction between being
depressed vs. deeply sad is confusing...
Her: Yes, but depression is an interior
struggle, rather than one that’s on the
surface. You
relentlessly feel empty.
I nod.
Her: Another misconception is that it’s
obvious when people are depressed.
Other people are
pros at hiding it. That’s why it’s more of
an interior struggle...
Me: But the one misconception that
annoys me the most is that depressed
people can snap out
of it. People think it’s possible to regulate
your “mood swings” if you “try harder”
but they don’t
understand that it’s not that simple.
She sighs.
Her: So does Derek understand all of this?
Me: We haven’t talked about it.
Her: This is why it is important to have
the conversation. Do you remember how
confused your
parents were at first? They didn’t
understand depression, and they didn’t
even know how to
support you.
Me: Those were some dark days...
I sigh as I reflect back...
Her: It took them getting plenty of
information, and understanding how to
support you. Look at
how much progress they’ve made!
Me: True...
She looks at me intently.
Me: I’ll talk to him.
Her: Explain what Bipolar Disorder is, and
fill him in on your type, which is type 2.
He’ll then
understand that your “mood swings” are
not just based on the fact that you’re a
woman, or
whatever misconception there is about
Bipolar.
Me: Okay, I’ll try.
Her: I’ll give you all the necessary
information, for him. I cannot emphasise
enough the
importance of being educated on mental
illnesses. It’s not fair for you to surround
yourself with
people who don’t understand what you
are going through, because those
relationships won’t
benefit you... They’ll constantly be
frustrated towards you, and you will also
be frustrated,
because there is a lack of understanding.
I nod and she smiles.
Me: So I shouldn’t move in with him?
She chuckles and sighs.
Her: Well, you two still need to know each
other.
Me: And I think being that close to each
other will help us figure each other out.
She nods.
Me: Is it weird that I already want to
move in with him?
Her: It’s what you want...
I sigh.
Me: I just know that he’s the right one,
you know?
She smiles.
Me: But I hear you, he needs to be
schooled first.
We laugh and continue talking...
***
Derek: I’ve missed you.
He squeezes me and I inhale his scent.
Me: Me too.
He lets go of me and looks at me weirdly,
like he’s uncomfortable.
Him: Uhm how did it go?
I laugh.
Me: It went well.
He sighs.
Me: You can stop acting weird. I don’t
come back from my psychiatrist feeling
down. She has a
very good effect on me.
Him: Really?
I nod.
Me: She’s amazing. Helps me figure out a
lot of shit.
Him: That’s good.
Me: Uh-huh.
He wraps his arms around my shoulders
and we walk to Mike’s Kitchen. We are led
to our table,
and then sit.
Me: We talked about a lot of things...
He looks at me intently.
Me: Her name is Melinda, by the way.
He nods.
Me: We even talked about you.
Him: Me?
He looks nervous.
Me: Yes.
He hesitates.
Me: She suggests that we go our separate
ways, because we’re not compatible.
I watch as he processes this.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: She says, from her perspective, our
relationship will never work.
Him: What?
I sigh.
Him: Why the fuck would she say that? Is
she even allowed to tell you that?
I try to keep a straight face because I can
see that he is losing it. I don’t know if he
wants to
break down and cry, or he wants to drag
this table and cause a scene.
Me: What do you mean is she allowed to
tell me that?
He stands and hesitates. He seems to be
going through the most.
Me: Derek?
Him: Are you... Are you breaking up with
me?
Okay. I didn’t expect him to react like this.
Him: Ziyanda? Are you ending things?
Me: Derek-
Him: I need some air.
We’re outside, mind you.
Me: Woooah bhuti, don’t even move.
I quickly stand and walk to his side.
Me: I was just joking.
He stares at me, and I think he’s going to
cry.
Me: Derek! I was just joking!
I wrap my arms around him.
He is silent for a while.
Me: Nkanyezi.
He looks at me.
Him: You were joking?
I nod slowly. This is definitely a sick joke.
I feel bad.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: Why?
Me: I’m sorry! I didn’t think you’d take it
this badly!
Oh my goodness, he really looks like he
got bumped by a bus.
He keeps quiet for a while and I squeeze
him.
Me: Nkanyezi, askies!
He sighs and nods.
Him: Don’t joke like that...
Me: First and last time!
He wraps his arms around me and we
hug.
Me: I’m sorry.
He nods and we let go of each other and
sit.
Him: I need a drink.
I smile and he grunts.
Him: I was about to have a major
breakdown. Fuck you, actually.
I giggle.
Me: Geesh!
Him: I was about to go to that Melinda,
and ask for a consultation.
Me: Aww!
He smiles.
Him: Please don’t joke like that...
Me: Okay.
Our drinks come...
Me: Anyway, we did discuss you.
Him: And?
Me: I think she has an understanding of
how much I love you.
Him: Really? How much do you love me?
Me: I love you so much, that I’m even
considering moving in with you...
His eyes pop out and his jaw drops.
Him: What??
I sigh.
Me: I’m considering it. I’m not confirming.
He smiles brightly.
Him: Are you serious?
I nod.
Me: However, you still need to know
about me, my triggers and shit.
He becomes serious.
Me: It won’t be easy.
He reaches for my hand and squeezes it.
Him: Like I always say, I’m not going
anywhere.
I smile.
Him: I’m more than willing to educate
myself, so I can support you properly.
Me: That means a lot to me.
Him: I’d do anything for you...
The waiter eventually comes with our
food, and I stuff my face...
INSERT 56
We’re now getting ready to go to
Nomvuyo and Liwa’s place for lunch. It’s
now the 23rd of
December.
I’ve been so caught up in Derek’s spell,
that I completely forgot about other
people- especially
his friends.
As we’re heading out, my phone rings,
and it’s my mom.
Me: Hello, mommy.
Mom: Hi, love. Are you spending
Christmas here?
Me: Hawu, why are you asking me such?
Of course I am.
Her: Angithi you’ve been hiding with that
boyfriend of your...
Me: Mama!
She laughs.
Her: Hai sisi I’m just saying... When are we
meeting him?
Me: Uhm...
Her: Invite him for Christmas lunch.
Me: No!
She laughs.
Me: Bye!
I quickly hang up and grunt. Derek, who is
focusing on the road, glances at me.
Him: Everything okay?
Me: Yes.
He nods and focuses on the road again.
***
We finally get to the Mzinyathi’s...
As soon as we get in, I hear Liwa’s bold
laugh.
I really missed these people, weirdly
enough.
As soon as I see Nomvuyo, I squeal
excitedly.
Me: Vuvu!
Nomvuyo: Zizi!
We share a long hug and she plants a kiss
on my cheek.
Nomvuyo: You are such a ghost yazi!
Me: Excuse me?? You’re the ghost here!
She laughs.
Me: So how was Thailand?
Her: Great. We got to relax a bit.
Me: Must be nice.
Her: Hai suka. Derek is going to take you
wherever you want. Aim high ke nawe,
not Durban and
shit.
Me: Wow!
We laugh and I see Nolwazi, sitting alone.
She seems to be on the phone.
Nomvuyo: Work related.
Me: Oh... Are the twins here?
She smiles and nods
Me: Did they end up deciding on names?
Nomvuyo: Khulekani and Simosihle.
Me: Aww!
Nomvuyo: Too sweet.
Me: Beautiful names.
Just then, Nolwazi walks to us and my jaw
drops. Where did all the weight go?
Me: Nolwazi, you look amazing!
She smiles sweetly and we share a hug.
Nolwazi: Thank you, Zi. I’ve been going
crazy.
Me: Geesh.
Nolwazi: Come see my babies.
She looks at me excitedly, and for once, I
am also excited- genuinely. Phela the last
time I saw
her, I was stressed about my potential
pregnancy.
She leads me to one of the guest
bedrooms and we walk to the bed. Of
course Dean is
watching over them.
Me: Hi, Dean.
He looks at me and smiles.
Geesh he also looks good.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I’m well, and you?
Him: I’m good.
He looks at Nolwazi lovingly and they
share one of those eye contact moments
where you just
look at your person, and realise how
lucky you are. Yes, I know these moments
very well.
Me: Vuvu tells me you named them
Khulekani, and Simosihle. Who named
them?
Nolwazi: My dad.
Me: How sweet. I love them.
I walk towards the bed, and Simosihle, the
girl, is now up. She is groaning and
squirming.
Dean: This one is an attention seeker.
Me: I can tell...
He looks down at his daughter and smiles.
How cute.
Dean: You can take her.
Me: Okay.
I carefully reach down and take her. She
smiles and sneezes.
Me: Hey you...
Argh she smells so good. She stops
squirming and relaxes in my arms.
Me: She loves being held?
Nolwazi: Yep. Her brother, on the other
hand, is always grumpy.
Me: Just like his dad.
I regret that as soon as I say it. I thought I
said it in my head.
Nolwazi: He is definitely like his daddy.
Dean: Ohho.
He gets up.
Dean: I’ll be downstairs.
Nolwazi nods and Dean walks out.
Me: He’s so overprotective.
Nolwazi: You have no idea.
Me: It’s cute.
Out of nowhere, Simosihle starts crying,
and Nolwazi takes her. I watch as she sits
on the bed
and breastfeeds her.
Nolwazi: Simo is really a problem, hey.
I smile.
Nolwazi: Everyone has concluded that she
will be just like Ivy.
I try not to roll my eyes. These people
must try by all means to raise this child to
be a normal
citizen, and not that train wreck, Ivy.
Nolwazi: They also get along...
Simo calms down, and is asleep in 5
minutes.
As she puts her down, Khulekani starts
squirming as well, but he doesn’t cry. He
moans quietly,
and I see myself taking him.
I think I’m in love with him, not the diva. I
give him kisses and he smiles.
Me: I’m officially in love.
Nolwazi: He’s adorable.
Just then, someone clears their throat.
Nolwazi: Hey, Derek.
Derek: How are you? You look amazing.
Nolwazi: Thank you.
He walks to me.
Me: D, he’s so cute.
Derek looks at Khulekani and smiles.
I give him to him and he also gets lost in
his spell.
Nolwazi is just sitting there like a proud
mom. I’m sure her life is complete-
considering how
tough her journey has been.
After a while, Dean walks back in.
Dean: Lunch is ready...
Nolwazi: Great!
Dean: I’m glad it’s your cheat day.
They both chuckle, as if that was some
kind of secret joke.
Dean: Let’s go.
Derek walks out with Khulekani and
leaves us there.
Me: I think he’s a bit obsessed.
Dean: Who wouldn’t? My genes are
fucken phenomenal.
Me: Wow!
Nolwazi: You just had to make this about
you!
He chuckles and we all walk out, Nolwazi
is now carrying a sleeping Simo.
We get to the table that is set outside, and
I am shocked by the crowd. I thought this
would be a
small nyana lunch, but now there are too
many people.
Nomvuyo: Let me introduce you to
everyone, before you run off.
I grunt and she takes my hand.
Nomvuyo: Okay, so you know Malusi and
Joe. This is Gabi, Joe’s wife.
I look at Gabi, and I try not to gape.
She looks like a cast member of Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills. She’s a
typical gorgeous
woman who looks and smells like money:
hair nails, shoes, bag, everything...
Gabi: Hey, Zi. I’m glad we’re finally
meeting you. I’ve been hearing about you!
How am I supposed to respond to that?
Me: Uhm hello.
She smiles sweetly and focuses on her
husband, who smiles at me as well.
Gabi: Baby, so as I was saying, that bitch
of an assistant has to go...
Oh wow...
I look at Malusi.
Me: Hi.
Malusi: Unjani Ms Dlamini?
Me: Ngiyaphila, and how are you?
Malusi: Holding up...
Nomvuyo: And this is Dean’s mother,
Lindelwa.
I look at the woman and smile. I mean,
they don’t really look alike.
Me: Hi ma.
Lindelwa: Hi, baby. How are you? We’ve
heard a lot about you.
Kanti?
Me: I’m good, thanks.
Nomvuyo: Where’s Zimi?
Lindelwa: She had to answer a call...
I then said hello to Thandeka, and greeted
Ivy briefly. I was shocked at how quiet she
was. She
seems to be mama’s girl today, because
she is clinging to mommy dearest.
This was a big round table.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Hey, Liwa.
We share a hug.
Liwa: How have you been? It’s been a
while.
Me: I’m great, and you?
Liwa: I’m fantastic. Got to relax a bit, you
know.
Me: Hmm.
I sit next to Derek, who is still holding
Khulekani.
Me: Look at you...
He smiles and drinks some water.
Derek: He’s cute.
Me: Hmm.
Overall, it’s a good vibe.
I stand to go to the bathroom...
I go to one of the many guestrooms, and
use the ensuite bathroom.
Woman: You don’t understand...
Who is this? I’ve never heard this voice
before.
Woman: No, you don’t understand. This
will break my family...
Oh gosh. I know for a fact that I am not
supposed to hear any of this. What am I
supposed to do
now? I can’t walk out, she’ll see me. I
decide to not flush.
I’m now sitting on the toilet seat, waiting
for this woman to finish her conversation,
and leave.
Woman: If these kids find out, they will
hate me. I will lose them forever.
Which kids?
She sounds so calm.
Woman: No, Zweli, I am not going to ruin
my family.
She is quiet for a while...
Woman: No, they’ve built great lives for
themselves. You’re taking us many steps
back...
She is quiet.
Woman: Zweli, no...
There is silence for a while.
Woman: You don’t seem to understand
the depth of this situation...
I didn’t even realise that I had stopped
breathing.
Woman: I’ll see you soon... Goodbye...
I hear silence...
After about 5 minutes, I open the door
and take a peak. She’s not here. I flush the
toilet and
wash my hands. I then make my way out...
When I get to the table, they’re already
having their starters.
I sit next to Derek and he is too focused
on Khulekani.
Gosh.
Nomvuyo: Zizi, this is Zimkitha, my mom.
I look at Zimkitha.
My stomach churns.
She smiles sweetly.
Zimkitha: I’m glad to finally meet you.
The voice. It’s definitely her...
I try to keep a straight face.
Universe, why do you always come for
me? Hai man!
INSERT 57
We’re now having dessert...
Nomvuyo is quite the cook. Maybe I
should partner up with her, so I can cook
for Derek as well.
Nomvuyo: So tell me, Malusi. How is
Nandi?
Nomvuyo already informed me about
Malusi’s situation. He’s basically as
divorced serial
cheater.
Malusi: She’s okay.
Zimkitha: Do you see yourself getting
married again?
Malusi: Yes.
Nolwazi: Really?
Malusi nods.
Liwa: To whom?
Malusi: Nandipha.
Everyone laughs and he grunts.
Nolwazi: You expect her to marry you
again?
Malusi: Laugh all you want... Nandi is my
soul mate.
Zimkitha: So what’s your plan?
Malusi: I’m giving her space, for now.
Dean: I don’t think you should.
Nolwazi: What do you mean?
Dean: If we were in the same position, I
would follow you till you give in.
Nolwazi: Oh wow!
Nomvuyo: It’s not that simple.
Thandeka: You can’t cheat continuously
and then expect her to not get hurt.
Dean: I think this fool has learnt from his
mistakes.
Me: Cheating is unforgiveable though.
Everyone looks at me and I keep a
straight face. I may be a bit intimidated
right now, but I don’t
care. Cheating is bad, and I’m prepared to
shout it out loud!
Me: It’s unfair to expect her to forgive and
forget. Did anyone force you to cheat?
There is silence. An awkward silence.
Me: You’re selfish.
Everyone is staring at me. Lord, what
have I done?
Me: You were married to her. You chose
to spend the rest of your life with her.
Deal with the
consequences and leave her alone.
I want to stop talking, but this champagne
is really loosening me up.
Nomvuyo: I agree 100%. Leave her alone.
Thandeka: I would kill Vusi if he cheated
on me.
Nolwazi: You messed up. Instead of being
in denial, be a man and be accountable for
your
actions.
Thandeka: As far as I am concerned, you
were a bad husband.
Zimkitha: Haibo can we not attack him
though? He regrets messing up.
We all look at Zimkitha. She can’t possibly
be sympathetic to this selfish man!
Zimkitha: He made a mistake-
Nolwazi: MistakeS.
Zimkitha sighs.
Zimkitha: Let’s not sit here and pretend
we’re perfect.
Thandeka: No one is saying we’re perfect.
We’re just not going to sit here and
pretend as if
Malusi respected his vows. His mistakes
ruined his family, and he needs to take
responsibility.
Zimkitha: But who says he’s not? He is
regretful, isn’t he?
We keep quiet.
Zimkitha: I don’t condone what he did.
However, I’m not going to sit here and
attack him every
chance I get. That’s counterproductive.
We need to help him move on as well, so
he can live
properly, having learnt from his mistakes.
At this point, I’m just over this
conversation. I have decided that I don’t
like this Malusi guy. In
my eyes, he’s a grown ass man who asked
a woman to spend the rest of his life with
him. Now
why the hell would he turn around and
cheat? Selfish.
Malusi stands and walks away.
Liwa: Okay, I get that we’re opinionated,
but can we also be empathetic? I don’t
think sitting
here as a family, attacking him, will help.
Dean: We all know he’s wrong, so there’s
no use pointing it out.
Me: Well it’s clear that he is struggling to
acknowledge what he did. And for me,
that means he
is not remorseful. He’s just sorry that he
was caught and dumped.
Zimkitha looks at me seriously. She
doesn’t scare me one bit. Nxaa I could
easily expose her
shady ass in front of her people.
I look at Derek and he is just looking at
me coolly. I think he has figured me out a
bit. He knows
that I have my “mbokodo” moments, and
that I get fired up when I’m in that zone.
I decide to back off. These people are not
ready to see my crazy side. However, I’m
glad it is
clear that I don’t condone cheating. I hope
Derek was listening, because if he even
attempts
such, kuzonyiwa straight. He will run
barefoot to the walls of Jericho.
Nolwazi changes the subject, and we all
move on swiftly with no beef...
I feel Derek’s hand on mine and I look at
him. He smiles and I smile back.
Derek: I love it when you’re feisty.
Me: Gosh.
He chuckles and winks at me. I honestly
just want him inside me 24/7.
Malusi comes back and we continue
chatting, as if nothing happened. I
appreciate these
people’s maturity. They don’t entertain
awkward moments.
Liwa: Where’s Mdu?
My whole body tenses. I avoid Derek,
because I know he is also tense.
Nolwazi: He’s out and about.
Thandeka: We think he’s in love
somewhere.
Ivy: He better not spend my parents’
money on random bitches.
Everyone laughs.
I don’t find that funny. Why is she talking?
Who asked her for her opinion? Because I
sure as hell
don’t value it. I had even forgotten about
her.
We continue chatting for a while...
Good varbz...
***
Once we’re done eating, the chats
continue in the lounge, and outside.
I’m standing with Nolwazi by the garden.
Nolwazi: When my husband introduced a
second wife, I really thought my world
was ending.
Oh gosh.
She sighs and smiles.
Nolwazi: But look at me now, I managed
to move on.
Me: Have you forgiven them?
Nolwazi: I’ve forgiven Kwanele... He was
just so fragile after everything.
Me: Really?
Nolwazi: His mother is the one who
infiltrated everything, and he was just a
pawn in her chess
game.
Me: And the second wife?
Nolwazi: I don’t know...
She sighs.
Nolwazi: She allowed herself to be used.
Me: Maybe she was forced?
Nolwazi: I have avoided thinking about
her. It’s just better that way.
She shakes her head lightly and then
smiles.
Nolwazi: But, I see you and Derek are
going strong.
Me: Quite.
Nolwazi: You guys are cute.
Me: Hmm...
Just then, someone clears their throat,
and it’s Zimkitha.
Argh.
Zimkitha: Can I have a word with you?
Me: Me?
She nods.
Nolwazi walks off and I am left alone in
the lion’s den.
She looks at me intently and then smiles.
Zimkitha: Derek really loves you...
I keep quiet.
Zimkitha: Do you also feel the same?
Me: Yes.
She nods.
Zimkitha: Well, I’m happy that he has
found someone special. I love him dearly.
Me: Like his mother?
She chuckles and nods.
Zimkitha: They’re all my babies. I’d die
and kill for them...
I keep quiet.
Suddenly, my heart is beating fast. This
woman really freaks me out.
Zimkitha: Take care of him, okay?
Me: Okay.
She smiles sweetly, and walks away.
I’m not even going to entertain what I’m
thinking. I refuse!
I miss Nkanyezi. Where is he?
As I’m about to walk back inside the
house, I see him approaching me. He gets
to me and I
wrap my arms around him.
Me: Missed you.
He kisses my forehead and stares at me.
Derek: You okay?
I nod and he smiles.
Derek: Would you like something to
drink?
I shake my head.
Me: I’m too full.
He chuckles.
Me: I think I’m going to cook something
for you tonight... I have a great idea.
He clears his throat.
Derek: Oh... You do?
I nod excitedly.
Derek: But, I’m so full...
Me: No, silly! You’ll be hungry later on.
He plants a kiss on my lips and I melt.
Just then, my phone rings and I answer it.
Me: Mama?
Mom: Hi, baby.
Me: What’s up?
Mom: I cooked such a lovely meal... Please
come for dinner?
Me: Uhm sure...
Mom: And bring Derek.
Me: But IShe
hangs up and I stare at my phone in
shock.
Derek: Zi?
I look at him.
Derek: Is everything okay?
Me: Uhm... My mom...
He looks at me intently.
Derek: Ziyanda?
Me: Uhm, she wants me to come home for
dinner.
Derek looks at me sadly.
Me: With you...
His eyes pop out and he smiles.
Derek: Finally!
Me: No! Not finally!
He chuckles and hugs me.
Derek: I guess you’ll cook another time,
angel... I’m having dinner with the future-
in-laws.
I groan and he takes my hand and leads
me back to the house.
Like, really? Universe, why you gotta do
me like this? I thought we were on the
same page!
I suddenly feel like vomiting. That’s how
anxious I am about this “dinner.”
Derek, on the other hand, is beaming.
INSERT 58 (Short Insert)
It’s now around 4pm, and everyone is
getting ready to leave. Derek is now glued
to one of the
megabytes.
Dean: Have your own kids and leave mine
alone.
Derek: Mxm.
Derek kisses little Simosihle, and I swear
the little diva is in heaven. She’s giggling
away.
Thanda amadoda.
Thandeka: I’m afraid these kids are going
to be spoilt rotten.
Nolwazi: I mean, I’m already struggling to
keep up with the gifts.
Ivy: How about they send money instead
of gifts? It’s not like we need all the shit
they’re buying.
Everyone laughs.
Mxm.
Dean: And I guess the money has to be
transferred to you?
Ivy: Of course!
I look at Derek, and he knows it’s time to
go. He gives Dean his baby, and clears his
throat.
Derek: We have to get going... I have
dinner plans with Ziyanda’s parents.
Everyone gasps.
Really, Derek?
Nolwazi: That’s amazing!
Zimkitha: When are we meeting them?
Uhm excuse me? I don’t want this
gangster woman in my mommy and
daddy’s house.
Derek: See you later, people.
Dean: Make a good impression ke nawe.
Liwa: Ungasihlazi.
Derek: What the hell is wrong with you
people? Am I kid?
Liwa: Well, you are the youngest, so...
Oh shit. I don’t know this man’s age!
Heeeh!
Derek: Mxm, baby, let’s go.
Me: Goodbye, everyone. Thank you for a
lovely afternoon.
Derek goes to the bathroom.
They all say goodbye, and I hug them.
When I get to Dean, he wraps his arm
around my
shoulders.
Dean: I’ll walk you out...
Me: Lucky me.
He chuckles, and we walk out.
Dean: Derek tells me you’re considering
moving in with him?
Me: He did?
Dean: Well we’re close...
Me: Hmm I see...
He chuckles.
I feel like I’m being charmed by this man,
and I thought I didn’t like him? What’s
happening?
Dean: So you want to move in with him?
Me: I think so...
Dean: He’s a great guy, if you haven’t
noticed.
I chuckle.
Dean: Move in with him.
Me: Are you now our counsellor?
Dean: Shit, I’d be excellent, right?
Me: You don’t strike me as stable.
Dean: Excuse me?
I chuckle.
Dean: I’m just overprotective of the
people I love.
Me: I see...
Dean: Stop trying to change the subject.
Me: I’m not!
We get to the car and stand there, with his
broad arm still around me. I’m surprised I
haven’t
melted.
Dean: So we agree that you’re going to
move in?
Me: I’ll think about it...
Dean: And then he’ll resign and work
somewhere else.
Me: What?!
Dean: Sisi, I know you’re not that stupid.
Me: Bhuti, I don’t need your negativity
right now.
He chuckles and nods.
Dean: Alright then.
I grunt.
Dean: How are your parents? Are they
extreme?
I laugh.
Me: Why?
Derek: We need to know... We might be
meeting them soon.
Me: Shame.
Dean: You obviously don’t know us. We
are persistent people.
Me: Dean, you’re doing the most right
now.
Derek walks to us and smiles.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Yep.
He then looks at Dean.
Derek: Fuck off.
Dean: Hai suka.
I look at both of them and smile. They
really are close, and it’s cute.
But still, I push aside these thoughts that
are bothering me. I refuse to even go
there.
Derek: Let’s go, baby.
Me: Bye Langa.
Dean: Bye Mrs Ngidi.
Me: Haike. I’m too expensive... My
surname will not be removed by just love.
They both laugh.
Me: Wena when are you marrying
Nolwazi?
Dean: Heyi, mind your own business.
I laugh.
Me: So our business is open for all?
Dean: Yes.
Me: Wow.
Derek: Vele when are you planning on
proposing?
Dean: Her 30th birthday.
Me: When is it?
Dean: In a month.
Me: Really?!
He nods.
Me: Can I help??
Dean glances at Derek and they laugh
quietly.
Derek: And she’s quite good with secrets.
Dean: I don’t know if that a good, or bad
thing.
Me: Definitely good, in your case.
He nods.
Dean: I shall contact you.
Me: I already have plans! Hmmyghad!
Derek: Uhm, okay, baby. Let’s calm down.
Me: Call me!
Dean: Hehe.
Derek: We have to go.
I groan loudly.
Dean: I didn’t know you were so dramatic.
I gasp.
Me: Silly old me?
He chuckles.
Derek: Baby, let’s go.
Me: Derek, I’m bonding with Dean. Leave
me alone!
Dean: No, you’re trying to pass time...
I really don’t want to go home right now.
Me: Also, you had a few drinks, Derek.
You can’t drink and driv-
Derek: Sisi... Don’t try me.
I gasp as he pulls me and opens the door
for me.
Me: Star, I don’t wanna!
He ignores me and closes the door. He
chats to Dean for a minute, and then gets
in and starts
the car. I wave goodbye, and we drive off...
Me: I need to pee.
I sink on my seat and he ignores me.
***
We’re now back at his place, because he
insists on freshening up.
Me: I’m not freshening up for anyone.
He ignores me and goes to the bathroom.
Mxm he is so excited. Like, I really don’t
get it.
After 10 minutes, he’s back, naked.
Me: I’m horny.
Derek: Now is really not the time.
My eyes pop and he lotions himself.
Me: Wow!
I sulk and he continues to ignore me.
Derek: I’m not going to allow you to
sabotage this shit. I know you’re trying to
distract me.
Thankfully, I can spot the Devil, before he
attacks.
Me: Derek!
He chuckles and gets dressed.
He looks so good though.
Me: I miss seeing you in formal clothes
though.
Him: Really?
I nod.
Him: I’ll have a fashion show for you later.
I giggle and watch him finish up.
After a while, he’s done, and looks fresh.
Sexy and casual. My man, people!
Him: Ready to go?
Me: No.
He pulls me up and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Whatever. Let’s just go.
He kisses me and we walk out...
***
We’re now parked outside my house. The
gate is even open...
Just then, my phone rings and it’s my
mom.
I answer.
Me: Ma?
Mom: Tell him to park inside.
I groan.
Mom: See you now now.
Gosh.
I end the call, and look at Derek.
Me: Ngena.
He does as he is told...
I sigh and look at him.
Me: I guess this is it...
He nods and smiles.
Derek: Everyone loves me, Ziyanda. This
is standard.
Me: Wow!
He laughs and takes my hand.
Derek: But I love you more than anything.
Me: Yeah yeah whatever.
I roll my eyes.
Me: Let’s go...
He nods and we get out of the car...
Universe, I’m really not a fan of you right
now. I hope you redeem yourself as time
goes by.
Prove your loyalty, fam!
INSERT 59
As we walk inside the house, my whole
body is just numb. This whole thing is just
making me
very uncomfortable. I’ve never introduced
a man to my parents, especially a man
who seems to
have stolen my heart (corny, I know).
We get to the lounge, and find my dad.
He is watching the news.
He looks up and I struggle to read his
expression.
Derek is right behind me. I’m not even
going to turn around and figure out what
he is going
through. Every man for himself...
Dad: Oh... You’re here already?
I keep quiet.
Derek: Sawubona, baba.
Dad smiles and looks at Derek.
Dad: Yebo, Ngidi. How are you?
He even knows his surname? How? Did
they really have a fat chat that day?
My stomach growls.
Derek: How are you?
Derek walks past me, and I watch as he
shakes my dad’s hands.
Gross.
Dad: I’m good... Just trying to make a
living, that’s all.
They both laugh.
What in the world is happening?
Dad: Have a seat...
Derek: Thank you.
He walks back to me, takes my hand, and
pulls me to the couch.
Really? So he’s bold enough to hold my
hand in front of my dad? This man.
Dad: Ziyanda.
I look at my dad. Now, I feel like the
intruder. Lord!
Dad: You are awfully quiet. U-right?
Me: I’m tired.
Dad: Hmm I see December is treating you
well.
I keep quiet and focus on the TV.
I feel like a school girl. I feel like I’m in
trouble and I’m waiting for my parents to
scold me.
Mom: Heeeh!
Oh gosh. I really don’t need this right now.
Mom: Heheee!
We all look at her. Derek thinks I’m
dramatic? He is about to understand that
the drama runs
deeps in the fam-bam.
Mom: Is the Uber driver here??
She walks to us and looks at Derek. I also
decide to finally look at Derek, and the
man seems to
be chilled. He is flashing that beautiful
smile of his that sends waves of shivers all
over my
body.
Dad: The Uber driver is here indeed.
Mom: Hmm.
She looks at me and smiles.
Mom: Hello, Ziyanda.
Me: Hello ma.
Mom: Wathula nje sisi? U-right?
Me: I’m fine.
She looks at my dad and they chuckle.
Mom: So you have a personal Uber
driver?
Argh.
Mom: Hello, Uber driver.
Universe, please swallow me? I swear
we’ll be best friends from now onwards!
Derek: Hello, ma. How are you?
Mom: Hai siyazama yazi. How are you?
You sure look good...
Derek chuckles and I feel his hand on
mine. I slide my hand away from him. Can
he not be so
forward though?? Uphapha too much.
Derek: I’m well, thank you.
Mom then looks at me and smiles.
Mom: Are you okay? You look like you are
ready to collapse.
Me: Maybe I should.
My parents laugh and I roll my eyes.
Mom: And let the poor driver hold your
hand!
Really??
I stand.
I need to get out of here.
I walk to the bathroom, and lock myself in
there... I feel so awkward.
After about 5 minutes, I walk back to the
lounge and sit. They are having a
conversation about
what’s happening in the news. I just zone
them out, because I can’t deal.
Mom: Let me prepare the table...
She stands and does her thing.
Derek and my dad are having a fat chat
about the currency and whatever.
Eventually, my mom walks back and tells
us that everything is ready. We all get up
and go to the
table, and sit.
She really did the most, hey. This is a feast
phela.
She dishes up for dad and herself. Derek
then dishes for himself and me.
Mom: I see you’ve discovered how much
of a baby she is...
Derek: Definitely.
Me: Wow.
Dad: More like spoilt.
Me: Wow.
Mom: I guess we’re partly to blame... We
didn’t torture her that much while
growing up.
Derek: Only child privilege?
They all laugh, and I’m just sitting here,
on some...?? Dis tew much.
Derek finishes up.
Me: Thanks.
Mom: I wish I also had a driver who
dishes up for me...
Me: Your husband cooks slaughtered
chickens... I think you’re well on your
way.
They laugh and I grunt.
Mom: She is so tense, man. Angisathandi.
Me: You’re all making me uncomfortable.
Mom: Really?
Me: Yes!
Dad: Uzoba strong.
I groan and they laugh.
Mom: Let’s pray first...
Dad: Derek?
Derek: Sure.
We all bow our heads and listen to Derek
say a short prayer.
We all say amen, and begin eating.
Mom: So what do you do besides drive an
Uber, Derek?
Derek: I’m a principal at a primary school.
Mom: Really? Which school?
Derek: The same school as Ziyanda.
Mom: Haibo! Are you serious? Kanti
where did you two meet?
Derek: We met a while ago... We both
didn’t know that we’d be working
together.
Mom: Interesting... Manje niqale nini
ukujola?
I just want to disappear, honestly.
Derek: Shortly after she started working
there.
Mom: Yoh so isn’t that illegal? Phela my
child could lose her job!
Derek chuckles and shakes his head.
Derek: I’d never allow that.
Mom: Hmm.
Dad: What did you study?
Derek: Accounting.
Mom: Is it?
Derek: Yes, I am a qualified Chartered
Accountant.
Dad: Interesting... So what made you
change lanes?
Derek: I wasn’t happy. I had to change,
and do what I love.
Mom: So you decided to do education?
Derek: Yes, that was probably one of the
best decisions I have ever made in my life.
Mom: Good for you.
Dad: I have always encouraged Ziyanda to
do what she loves as well.
Mom: We didn’t really want her to do
teaching, for obvious reasons, but we had
to allow her to
make her own decisions. I’d like to think
that she’s happy right now.
Me: You didn’t want me to do teaching?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Oh wow.
Dad: We hid it well, right?
Derek: At least you didn’t push her to do
something she doesn’t want to do.
Mom: There’s nothing worse than parents
who want to live their own dreams
through their
children. We’re not that ignorant.
Dad: So, your colleagues don’t know
about this relationship?
Derek: No, they don’t.
Mom: And what will happen when they
find out?
Derek: I’ll leave.
Me: Huh??
Mom: And she speaks!
They all laugh and I look at Derek
seriously.
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: One of us will have to go.
Employee relationships are frowned
upon, more especially if
one of us is in a superior position. It
comes across as unethical.
I look at him blankly.
I have never really allowed myself to
think about what will happen when we’re
exposed at work.
I’ve been so spellbound, that I didn’t even
give it a thought.
Dad: Well, it only makes sense that one of
you leaves...
Mom: But it definitely won’t be Ziyanda.
Well, at least she still has my back. I know
she doesn’t want to deal with an
unemployed
Ziyanda, because she drives everyone
crazy.
Derek: I have already accepted that I’ll be
the one to leave. I’m okay with that.
Mom: How noble of you.
Derek looks at me and smiles. I don’t
smile back. I’m not about to be caught up
in his spell, in
front of my parents.
Dad: So what are your career plans?
Derek: I would like to open my own
school.
Mom: That’s amazing!
I am also finding this interesting.
Derek: I think I have enough business and
education knowledge to start from
scratch.
Mom: And Zizi will obviously help you.
Phela she is well-informed!
Oh wow.
Derek: She will definitely be involved.
Hehe.
We focus on our food while chatting
about the South African education system.
Because of my
passion in education, I find myself taking
part in the conversation as well.
Mom: Do you have any kids?
Derek: No, well, not that I know of...
They all laugh, and I chuckle.
Mom: That’s great.
Dad: Do you want to have children?
Derek: Most definitely.
My mom glances at me with a smirk and I
ignore her. She seems to be captured by
Derek
Nkanyezi Ngidi. The sexy beast should
just snatch souls for a living.
Dad: And marriage?
Derek: Ziyanda is going to be my wife, and
the mother of my children...
I choke on my food and I look at my mom,
who is blushing. Lord!
Dad: Well, that’s a conversation for
another day...
Derek chuckles.
Dad: Alright.
Mom: So has she met your parents?
Derek: Yes.
She then looks at me.
Mom: And? Did they like you? I know you
can come across as intense.
Me: Excuse me?
Mom: Surely this is not shocking news.
I grunt.
Derek: They’re my adoptive parents.
Dad: You were adopted?
Derek: Yes.
Mom: Oh wow...
Dad: Do you know your real parents?
Derek: No, I have no desire to.
My stomach churns.
Mom: I don’t blame you.
Derek: I think my reason for wanting to
build a family is based on my situation... I
want to be
there for my children, the way my
biological parents weren’t.
My parents nod.
Suddenly, I don’t feel well.
I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. I
need to vomit... I don’t know why I feel so
uncomfortable. He’s doing a great job, and
my parents seem to love him...
INSERT 60
I’m now back at the table, and I’m still
feeling uncomfortable. I’m still caught up
in the fact that
Derek is the first man who’s been in this
house because of me.
My mom is now serving dessert.
Mom: Are you okay, love?
Me: Yes.
They all chuckle and I shrug.
Mom: So, Derek, you have no desire
whatsoever to meet your real parents?
Derek: Not at all.
I look at him, and I can’t help but smile. I
love him so much, and I genuinely want
the best for
him.
Mom: Well, as long as you grew up
surrounded by loving people, I think your
life is more
fulfilled.
Me: And he definitely has a lot of love
around him.
Mom: Is it?
I nod.
Mom: So you’ve met his friends as well?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Did you get along with them?
Me: Mama kanti? I’m not that bad!
They all laugh and I roll my eyes.
Mom: Well, I’m glad they love you,
sthandwa sami. Has Derek met Nikiwe?
Me: Of course.
Mom: I’m sure she was too curious?
Derek: Yes...
We all chuckle.
Mom: So do you know about Ziyanda’s
mental state?
Me: Gee, thanks for making it seem like
I’m a nutcase.
Mom: Well, you have your moments...
Derek chuckles.
Derek: We’ve been talking about it...
Mom: That’s good...
Derek: How did you take it as parents?
My mom looks at my dad, who sighs.
Dad: It has been a scary journey, I won’t
lie. Seeing how sick she was when we
were first
introduced to what she has, was very
traumatic. When we grew up, we didn’t
know anything
about mental illnesses. We always say
people are just being dramatic, and
attention seekers.
We didn’t have enough information.
Derek: And that still happens.
My dad nods.
Dad: Ziyanda went through some
disturbing things as a child and young
adult...When we finally
took her to a doctor, and they told us she
was badly damaged, we knew we had to
pull up our
socks and find help. The doctor
transferred us to a psychiatrist and
Ziyanda was hospitalized
for months.
Mom: It was the scariest moment of my
life.
I glance at Derek, and he is
expressionless.
Dad: We didn’t think she would be fine.
We couldn’t even recognize her... It
seemed like she had
also given up on herself.
I sigh quietly as I also think back... I’m still
shocked that I am alive today. I thought I
was dying.
Dad: Yes, we prayed, and did all we could,
but we also knew that she needed medical
assistance.
Mom: She attended various classes that
helped her regain her power. We also
took part in
some of those classes, because we were
clueless on what was going on.
Dad: Years later, she is alive, and has
regained her power.
They all look at me. My mom is teary, and
my dad has a proud smile. Derek, on the
other hand, I
can’t read.
Dad: As parents, all we have to do is
support her like no else in this world. A
lot of people are
secretly dying, because they can’t really
explain what they are going through. They
know that
they will be misunderstood and judged,
because mental illnesses are still frowned
upon. People
need physical prove for a sickness to be
validated. They cannot fathom how a
person can
suffer internally, while looking healthy on
the outside.
Mom: And that’s why it is important for
Zizi to surround herself with people who
truly
understand her. I don’t want her to leave
this loving home, only to be mistreated by
people who
love her, besides us.
Dad: That’s why it is crucial to have a
strong support system, and I don’t think
that will happen
with large groups of friends. A lot of
miscommunication takes place in such
groups. Ziyanda
has managed to narrow down her friends,
and be aware of who is worth her love.
We are silent for a while.
Mom: Anyway, we are very supportive...
That’s all we can provide...
Derek nods and then glances at me. Are
those tears I see??
Derek: Please excuse me for a second...
Mom: Sure, baby.
He stands and walks out of the house.
We all sigh.
Dad: I hope he understands you, Ziyanda.
That’s all I need to know... I don’t want
you to get hurt.
Me: He won’t hurt me.
My dad nods and keeps quiet.
Mom: Go check on him, shame...
I stand and walk out of the house.
I find him leaning against his car. I walk
till I’m standing opposite him.
Me: Hey.
He looks at me sadly, and I wrap my arms
around him.
Me: Sorry about that.
He still doesn’t say anything; instead he
wraps his arms around me, and buries his
head on my
neck.
We stand there for a while, until he lifts
his head and looks at me. I forgot to
switch on the
lights, so now I can’t see his face, but I
think he’s crying.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: Why are you apologizing?
Me: You’re sad.
Him: I’m sad that you had to go through
all that shit...
I sigh.
Him: And I wasn’t there...
Me: There’s nothing you could have done.
He sighs and we are silent once again.
Me: At least I’m much better now. I made
it out alive.
He nods and kisses my forehead.
Him: And I thank God for that. I can’t
seem to imagine my life without you
anymore.
I giggle and I feel him smile.
Him: You’re a strong person...
Me: I am.
Him: But I don’t want you to be strong
around me.
I sigh.
Him: Don’t feel the need to protect
yourself when you’re with me. Be
yourself, your true self.
Me: Crazy and all?
Him: Crazy and all.
I sigh.
Him: I know it won’t be easy, but I’m here.
100%.
I look at him.
Him: I will never hurt you intentionally. I
may make mistakes, but my intentions
will never be
hurtful. I need you to understand this,
Ziyanda.
Me: Okay.
He plants a kiss on my nose, and I groan.
Me: Can we go back in? I’m cold.
Him: And you sound like you’re coming
down with a cold.
Me: I think I am...
He squeezes me and we share a kiss. We
then make our way back inside the house,
and he
asks for the bathroom, and I lead him
there. I go back to the table, and find my
mom cleaning
up.
Mom: *whispering* Is he fine?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Shame, he’s emotional neh?
Me: Quite.
Mom: Cute. Now I’m blushing on your
behalf.
Me: Mama!
She giggles.
Derek walks back, and smiles.
Derek: I should get going.
Mom: Okay, love. It was lovely meeting
you.
Dad: I knew this Uber nonsense was a lie
from the get go.
I blush.
Dad: She has never brought a man here...
I’m shocked she’s still alive. I’m sure she
was
panicking all day?
Derek: You have no idea.
They all laugh and I roll my eyes.
Mom: What are your plans for Christmas?
Derek: I always spend Christmas at the
orphanage.
Mom: That’s great! Maybe Ziyanda should
join you.
Derek looks at me and smiles.
Derek: I was going to ask...
Me: Uhm sure...
He smiles brightly and I smile back.
Mom: I love that you’re so charitable.
Derek: Thank you.
Dad: Is there any way we can contribute?
Derek: You can donate clothes and toys.
Dad: Alright, you can fetch them
tomorrow.
Derek: Thank you.
Mom: No problem...
Derek: Thank you for inviting me. I’m
happy that I got to spend some time with
you, and have
the opportunity to know more about you.
Mom: It’s a pleasure, dear. We’re also glad
that you came. I’m sure Zizi tried to
sabotage
everything.
Derek: You know her too well.
They all laugh.
Dad: See you soon...
Derek: Most definitely...
They shake hands, and then my mom goes
in for a hug.
Gosh.
Derek: Nisale kahle.
Dad: Enjoy the rest of your evening...
Derek: Thank you.
Mom: Walk him out ke Yanda...
Me: Hmkay.
Argh now I can’t go with him, because
“respect” and shit. Bleh.
We walk out, and get to his car.
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow, Star.
He groans.
Me: Uh-uh. This is your fault bhuti.
Him: Yoh I was planning on making love
to you like never before.
Me: Derek!
I feel my insides churn.
Him: I guess we have something to look
forward to tomorrow...
He kisses me tenderly, and I melt in his
arms.
Him: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Him: See you, tomorrow, okay?
I nod.
Him: Sleep tight.
We share another kiss, and let go of each
other. I watch as he gets in the car, and
drive out of
the yard. I close the gate, lockup, and
make my way back inside the house...
INSERT 61
The following day, I wake up in such a
foul mood. Not only am I feeling fluey, I’m
not in the
mood to interact with anyone. I decide to
switch off my phone, and stay in bed.
I hear a knock on my door, and my mom
walks in.
Mom: Baby.
I keep quiet.
Mom: I’ve left your breakfast in the oven.
She plants a kiss on my forehead.
Mom: I’m going to town...
I nod and she walks out, and closes the
door...
***
At around 1pm, I wake up, and my flu
seems worse. My throat is on fire.
I groan, as I reach for my phone and am
immediately flooded with Derek’s missed
calls and
messages. I dial his number, and he
answers within a second.
Derek: Ziyanda, really?
Me: Sorry, I just woke up.
He exhales loudly.
Him: Are you okay?
Me: I woke up in a bad state mentally. I’m
okay now.
Him: Are you sure?
Me: I took my meds.
Him: But you don’t sound okay.
Me: This flu sprung up. My throat is on
fire, and nose is blocked.
Him: I’m driving to your house.
I sigh.
Him: Bye.
He hangs up and I groan. So I guess he’s
now comfortable to pop by anytime? Must
be so nice.
Anyway, I get out of bed, and sit there for
a while, trying to get myself together. This
illness is
the Devil, honestly. It hits you when
you’re least expecting it... The lows are
just something I can
never get used to.
You find yourself questioning why you’re
even alive. You lose your senses for a
while, and just
sink deeper and deeper into a pit of
nothingness. I can never get used to it. It’s
painful and
haunting.
After I’m done bathing, I get dressed and
clean up my bedroom. I then call my
mom, just to tell
her that I’m feeling better... My dad is
outside, dealing with his customers.
As I warm up my food, there’s a knock on
the door.
I open and there he is...
I smile and he smiles.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Hi, baby.
He’s carrying a paper bag. He gives it to
me and I look inside.
Me: How thoughtful...
Him: I came to pick you up... I’m not
comfortable enough to take care of you in
your parents’
house.
I giggle.
Him: Get your things and let’s go.
Me: Kanjalo nje?
Him: Kanjalo nje.
I chuckle and nod.
Me: Can I eat first?
He sighs and nods.
He watches as I dish up for myself and we
walk to the lounge and sit.
Me: Did my dad see you?
Him: I was with him for about 15 minutes
before I came in.
Me: Must be nice.
He watches me eat.
Me: Are you hungry?
Him: Definitely, but I’ll eat you later.
I squeal and he laughs.
Me: Don’t say such things... You scare me
sometimes.
Him: Ohho.
He watches me eat and I finish up. Once
I’m done, I pack my things and walk back
to the
lounge. I find him looking at some of the
picture frames around there. I catch him
taking out his
phone and snapping away.
Me: What the hell do you think you’re
doing?
He ignores me and chuckles.
Him: You’re so cute. Look at this...
Me: Let’s go.
He finishes up and we walk out of the
house. We go to my dad’s tent, and find
him talking to a
customer.
Dad: Derek, Ziyanda’s mom is still not
back. I guess we’ll give you our donations
some other
time.
Derek: No problem, sir.
Dad nods and looks at me.
Dad: Have a good day.
Me: Thanks.
We say goodbye, and make our way out.
We then get in his car and drive off.
Derek: You had a rough morning?
Me: Quite.
He brushes my hand and focuses on the
road.
I then sink on my seat and immediately
doze off. The medication is doing the
damn thing.
We finally get to his place and I go
straight to bed.
Me: Did you drug me on purpose?
He laughs.
Him: That’s the only way you’ll heal. I’ll
make your some Med-Lemon before you
sleep.
He walks off and comes back later, waking
me up.
Me: Ang’funi...
Him: Hai phela you have to drink this for
your throat and shit.
I groan as I drink it...
Once I’m done, I doze off again, with my
sore throat...
***
When I wake up, it’s around 5pm, and it’s
as if I’ve never been sick before. Yes, I still
feel a bit
fluey, but I’m much better.
Derek is sitting next to me, on his laptop.
He looks down at me and smiles.
Derek: Hey, Snore Face.
Me: Fuck you.
He chuckles as he puts away the laptop
and repositions. He wraps his arms
around me and I
get closer to him.
Him: How are you feeling?
Me: A bit better.
Him: A bit?
I’ve decided that I will make him think I’m
still sick. I love all this extra attention that
I’m getting.
Me: I need a massage.
Him: Really?
I nod.
Him: Will that make you feel better?
Me: Maybe.
He kisses my forehead and repositions.
He then sits on the edge of the bed, and
places my feet
on his lap. He starts massaging them, and
I sigh happily.
Me: Ahh...
Him: So dramatic...
He continues massaging me, and
eventually gets to my big ass thighs...
It’s safe to say the Universe and I are now
aligned. I’m out here getting massages
and orgasms.
Life is good.
Universe, I forgive you. You and I are back
together now.
***
Derek and I are chilling, watching TV,
when my phone rings and I answer.
Me: Hello.
Niki: Hey boo!
Me: Hey, friend.
I smile.
Niki: So, you’re inviting me to your man’s
Christmas charity thingie?
Me: Yebo.
Her: I’ll see you there ke.
Me: Perfect.
Her: And I have to tell you about someone
I met.
Me: Heheee!
She giggles.
Her: He’s very different, but I like him.
Me: Hmm, I can’t wait!
Her: Bye bye ke. Say hi to Daddy D.
I laugh.
Me: Bye, boo.
I hang up and chuckle.
Me: Niki says hi.
Derek smiles and nods.
Me: She’ll come ksasa.
Derek: Perfect.
He looks at me and smiles.
Me: What?
He shakes his head and focuses on the TV.
Me: My mom can’t stop raving about you.
Him: Really?
He looks at me excitedly.
Me: She is obsessed.
Him: But, I told you that they’ll love me.
This is me we’re talking about... The
adorable Uber
driver.
Me: Argh!
He laughs.
He gets up and goes to the bathroom.
Seconds later, his phone rings and it’s
Dean. I answer.
Me: Derek’s phone, hello.
Dean: Ya Mam’Dlami.
Me: Hello Langelihle.
He chuckles.
Him: How are you? Are you feeling
better?
Me: Yes, I am.
Him: Nkanyezi was a bit worried.
Me: Of course he was...
We both chuckle.
Him: I hear the meeting with the parents
went well...
Me: Uzithembe too much uDerek.
Him: Hai phela it’s not our fault that we’re
the shit. We can’t be blamed for our
awesomeness.
Me: Mxm.
He chuckles.
Me: So when are we discussing the
proposal?
Him: We’ll talk tomorrow.
Me: You’re coming?
Him: It’s Christmas, of course we’ll be
together.
I groan.
Him: You’ll just have to get used to the
crowd. It also gets overwhelming for me
at times.
Me: Argh.
Him: See you tomorrow... Tell Derek that
everything is sorted on my side.
Me: Okay.
Him: Have a good night.
Me: Thank you. Bye.
Him: Bye Dlams.
I end the call and sigh. Dean has really
managed to make me like him? Kanjalo
nje? What is it
with these charismatic bastards? Damit.
Mdu crosses my mind, and I sigh. I need to
call and see how he’s doing...
Derek comes back and we cuddle.
Me: Dean called.
Him: Is everything sorted?
Me: Apparently.
He chuckles.
Him: He was in charge of gifts.
Me: Nice...
Him: I’m so happy we’re spending
Christmas together.
Me: Hmm.
Him: We still have many more to come...
He plants a kiss on my lips and we watch
TV...
I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in
my life. I feel loved. My family has my
back, my friends
are awesome, and my man is just the icing
on the cake. Love is a powerful emotion,
man. This
shit feels good: more especially if you
have been through your fair share of falls
and suddenly
you wake up and find yourself drowning
in it. Love just makes life worth living. All
the frogs I’ve
kissed throughout my life were moulding
me for this exact moment. I love my Star.
INSERT 62
The following morning, I decided to wake
up and make breakfast. I looked up a few
recipes...
Nkanyezi was still fast asleep.
As I am busy, my phone rings, and it’s my
mom wishing me a Merry Christmas.
Me: Thank you, sthandwa.
Mom: Uphi u-Uber?
Me: Usalele.
Mom: Have a good day, my love. Enjoy
yourself.
Me: So you approve?
Mom: He seems genuine. It’s worth a try.
Me: True.
Mom: However, I do think he is also
battling a few things, but he hasn’t really
opened up.
Me: Really?
Mom: Definitely. Akekho right.
Me: Oh wow.
She laughs.
Mom: Try your best to get him to open up,
the same way he got you to.
Me: I’ll try.
Mom: I’m happy for you yazi. I was
starting to think uyis’shimani.
Me: Mama!
She laughs and I join.
Mom: Bye bye ke baby.
Me: Bye.
Mom: Say hi to him.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and finish up making
breakfast. As I’m cleaning up, I feel
Derek’s presence. I turn
around, and sure enough, he’s standing
there.
Me: Morning!
He smiles lightly.
Fake smile much?
Me: Merrry Christmas!
We share a hug.
Me: Grumpy?
He nods and I kiss his cheek.
Me: I’ll dish up for you.
He looks around the kitchen. It’s such a
mess...
I can tell that he is not happy about this.
He lets go of me and starts cleaning up.
Me: Hold up, OCD freak. I’ll clean.
He ignores me and I let him be. I’m in a
good mood and I can’t deal with his
grumpiness.
After a while, he comes to the bedroom
and sits on the edge of the bed. His face is
all
tightened, ngathi he’s pissed.
Me: Derek?
Him: What?
I raise an eyebrow.
Surely he is not addressing me like this?
Me: Derek?
Him: You made a fucken mess.
Me: Excuse me?
He looks at me sharply and grunts.
Me: Derek?
He stands and walks to the bathroom,
leaving me shocked as hell.
What the fuck just happened?
I sit there. I don’t move an inch. I’m
waiting for him to come here and tell me
what the hell is
wrong with him.
After a long time, he finally comes back
with a towel wrapped around his waist. I
don’t even
care that he looks yummy.
Me: Derek?
Derek: I’m in a bad mood.
Me: Do you want space?
Him: Yes.
I stand and walk out, pissed. I go to the
kitchen and eat some of the food I cooked.
As soon as I
bite the omelette, I spit it out.
What the fuck did I make? This shit is
gross.
I drink water and go to the lounge to
watch TV. I’ve never seen him like this.
That was mean! He
is mean!
I eventually doze off, feeling very angry.
I’m awakened by Derek caressing me. I
look at him, and realise I’m still angry.
He looks at me and smiles.
Me: Mxm.
I sit up and look at him grudgingly.
Me: So now you don’t want your space?
He frowns.
Me: Mxm.
Him: So I’m supposed to be in a good
mood 24/7?
I keep quiet.
I have a feeling I’m going to lose this
argument.
Him: Don’t be silly.
Me: Excuse me?
He sighs and looks at me softly.
Him: You’re being unreasonable. Am I not
allowed to have a bad morning?
I keep quiet.
Him: I’m not a robot.
Me: No one said you are.
Him: Good.
I stand and he pulls me back down.
Him: I’m sorry for being rude. Like I said, I
just woke up in a bad mood.
I sigh.
Me: I wasn’t expecting it.
Him: I had a bad dream... Woke up feeling
shitty.
Me: I understand.
Trust me, out of everyone in this world, I
definitely understand mood swings.
Him: I’m sorry, okay?
Me: It’s okay. You’ve been dealing with
my mood swings since day one. I guess
this is your
moment to shine.
He laughs and I smile.
Me: So I should give you space when
you’re like that?
Him: Just don’t pester me.
I nod.
Him: But, like I’ve stated before, don’t give
me too much space. I’d die.
I nod and he pulls me closer and we share
a kiss.
Him: Merry Christmas.
Me: Happpy!
He chuckles and kisses me again.
Me: I tasted my food, and it was horrible.
Him: Really?
Me: I’ll cook another day. For now, do you
mind making something? I’m starving.
He smiles and nods.
Him: Anything for you. What would you
like?
Me: Whatever it is, should have lots of
eggs.
He nods and stands.
I then go to the bathroom to clean myself
up. It seems like today may be a long day.
***
As we’re eating, he keeps looking at me
and smiling.
Me: And then?
Him: I’m just recalling how you reacted
this morning. You were pissed.
Me: I was!
Him: But, why?
Me: Coz you’re Derek. You don’t get
pissed or moody.
He laughs and shakes his head.
Him: I’m not perfect, Ziyanda.
Me: You are, to me.
He smiles.
Me: What if you’re also Bipolar? We’d be
twinnies.
Him: Urrr I don’t think so...
We laugh and continue chatting for a
while...
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. He
goes to open, and in walks Xolani with a
very
gorgeous girl who looks like she’s my age.
Xolani: Hey, people!
Me: Hey!
I stand and we share a hug.
Xolani: Zi, this is Fifi, a good friend of
mine.
Me: Hello.
Fifi smiles and gives me a hug.
Uhm okay then...
Fifi: Hi, Ziyanda. I’ve heard a lot about
you.
Me: Oh...
Derek: So is everything sorted?
Xolani: Yes... I’m just waiting for the
caterers to finish setting up.
Derek nods.
Fifi: So Ziyanda...
I look at her.
Something ain’t right with this girl.
Fifi: You’re obviously coming to the
luncheon neh?
Me: Yes.
Fifi: D has been so scarce lately. Clearly
you’re keeping him busy.
Me: Hmm.
I look at Derek, and he knows what to do.
Derek: We’ll see you there...
Fifi is staring at me, and I feel
uncomfortable.
Xolani: Okay... Zizi, remember- we dress
for success.
Me: Yes, sir.
He gives me a hug and walk off. Fifi tries
hugging me but I cross my arms and give
her that
smile white people always give us.
Me: Bye.
Fifi: Bye!
She then looks at Derek and smiles.
Fifi: See you.
Derek: Hmm.
She follows Xolani, and soon, they’re both
gone...
Me: I guess we have our first name for the
No-Hoe-Zone List.
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: See all the women I don’t gel with?
He keeps quiet.
Me: A list is compiled, and you stay away
from them. Surely you know this, Mr
Principal
Accountant?
He looks at me in shock and I walk away.
Me: Don’t make me fight skanks, Ngidi...
I go to the bathroom to get ready...
INSERT 63
We’re now dressed and ready. We didn’t
even plan on matching, but we are. I just
feel like we’re
getting ready to walk down the aisle. The
Universe is probably preparing us...
I kid, I kid... Marriage is the last thing on
my mind.
Derek: Wow.
Me: I know.
Him: You look stunning.
Me: You don’t look too bad yourself, Ngidi.
He smiles and wraps his arms around me.
Him: I must admit though, the makeup
makes it hard to kiss you thoroughly.
Me: Hai manje you want me to walk
around looking plain?
He laughs.
Him: You’re beautiful, baby.
Me: I know, but I can’t go to functions
looking like a hoodrat.
Him: A hoodrat?
Me: Phela that’s how Fifi and them take
our men...
Him: What??
Me: Hmm you know very well that I’m
right.
Him: Baby, I don’t condone cheating.
Me: Is it?
Him: I’m too grown for that shit.
Me: Even 50 year old men cheat.
Him: Selfish 50 year old men.
Me: So wena you’re not selfish?
Him: Hmm.
I giggle.
Him: I am very selfish... When it comes to
you.
Me: How so?
Him: I want you all to myself.
I blush.
Me: Good, because I also want you to
myself.
Him: You do?
Me: Derek, I may not communicate
properly, but I’m really crazy about you.
I watch him blush and I laugh.
Me: Now, can we go?
Him: Of course.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door, and
I frown.
Me: And then?
He shrugs.
He goes to the door and opens it. In walks
Dean, looking all scrumptious...
Dean: Ya nina.
Derek: So who exactly did you tell that
you’re coming here?
Dean: I had to drop off my mom at her
sister’s place...
Me: Are you not spending Christmas with
her?
He shakes his head.
Dean: I have my own family now, Dlamini.
Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
He chuckles.
Dean: You clean up nicely, don’t you?
Me: Excuse me?
Both he and Derek laugh.
Me: Derek!
Derek: Baby, you know he’s talking shit.
Me: Mxm!
Just then, my phone rings and I see my
mom’s name. I answer.
Me: Mama?
Mom: Baby, there’s a problem here.
Me: What’s wrong?
She sighs.
Mom: Lwazi’s parents don’t want her to
come to us.
Me: Kanjani? Angithi we spoke about this,
and they agreed ukuthi she’ll spend the
day lapho?
Mom: They refuse...
I sigh heavily.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and dial Lwazi’s number.
Derek: Is everything okay?
I ignore him. It rings for the longest time,
but she eventually answers.
Lwazi: Mommy.
My heart instantly sinks. I know she’s
crying.
Me: Lwazi, what happened?
Lwazi: I had just gotten dressed, and as I
was about to leave to go to your house,
they stopped
me.
Me: Batheni?
Lwazi: They just said I must stop
spreading our secrets to strangers.
That doesn’t even make any sense! These
idiots know me very well, and they
always dump
Lwazi at our house when they’re tired.
What the fuck has gotten into them?
Me: Ukuphi manje?
Lwazi: I’m in the bedroom.
Me: Have you even eaten?
She sobs quietly and I sigh.
Me: I’m coming, okay? I will be there in no
time. Don’t leave the house, okay?
Lwazi: Okay.
Me: Bye bye baby.
Lwazi: Bye.
I end the call and find Derek and Dean
staring at me.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: My dad was supposed to fetch Lwazi,
so she could spend Christmas with them,
but the
parents are suddenly not budging.
Derek: Why?
Me: They’re probably drunk and
irrational.
Dean: Is this the little girl youMe:
Yes, and I have to go to her.
I look at Derek. I know this event means a
lot to him, but I won’t be able to join
them. Lwazi
needs me.
Derek: Let’s go.
Me: Derek, no.
Derek: What?
Me: I’ll be fine. I’ll get an Uber. I can’t
make you miss your event.
He ignores me and takes his keys.
Dean: We can use my car...
Derek: What about Nolwazi?
Dean: She’s coming with her mother and
sister later...
Derek nods and they both look at me.
Derek: Let’s go...
Me: I really don’t want to b-
Dean: Haike, Ziyanda. We really don’t
enjoy repeating ourselves- especially if
we’re offering to
help.
Me: Okay.
Dean: Is she in Soweto?
I nod.
Dean: Let’s go.
I get my bag and we’re out...
***
As we’re driving, I call my mom to tell her
I’m on my way.
Mom: I’m sorry. I know you were looking
forward to Nkanyezi’s event.
Me: It’s okay. Lwazi needs me.
Mom: I don’t understand why those fools
are being difficult.
I sigh.
Mom: I’ll see you soon ke.
Me: Okay, bye.
Mom: Bye.
I end the call.
Dean, who is sitting in the front, glances
at me.
Dean: Are the parents negligent?
Me: Negligent is an understatement.
Dean: So does she always spend
Christmas at your house?
Me: For the past two years.
Dean: So how’s your relationship with her
parents?
Me: We’re okay... However, they become
problematic when they’re drunk.
Derek hisses.
Derek: And that’s most of the time.
Dean: Wow...
We drive in silence till we get to my
house. Derek leads the way, and I find
myself chuckling,
despite my anger towards this Lwazi
situation.
This one is out here leading the way
ngathi this is his house...
Dean is right behind me.
As we get in, we find my mom busy in the
kitchen.
Mom: Oh wow!
Derek: Hello, ma.
They share a long ass hug, and I refrain
from rolling my eyes.
Mom: I’m so sorry for this. Lwazi is an
important part of this little family of ours.
Derek: It’s okay. We’ll go fetch her.
Ziyanda will speak to her parents.
My mom glances at me and smiles.
Mom: Howzit?
Me: Quite angry.
Mom: I’m sure they’ll-
Her eyes zoom in on Dean, and she stops
speaking for a few seconds.
Mom: And then? Derek, you didn’t
mention that you have a twin!
Derek chuckles, and so does Dean. These
men make our kitchen seem so tiny, with
their
overpowering presence.
Derek: This is Dean, a close friend.
Dean pushes me aside gently, and steps
closer to my mother, who is smitten.
Dean: Sawubona, ma.
Mom: Dean? You even have similar
names.
Derek: He’s Langelihle.
Mom: Beautiful name!
Dean groans.
Me: Can we all focus?!
They snap out of it and nod.
Derek: Yes, let’s go...
Me: Where’ dad?
Mom: He went to Shoprite... I need a few
things.
Me: Hmkay. Shap ke.
Mom: Shap.
Dean: Derek brought us some of your
husband’s chicken. It’s amazing. Can I buy
some?
Mom: Hehe I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear
that.
Me: Focus!
Derek: Okay, let’s go.
Me: You’ve said “let’s go” 100 times now!
Mom: Wooo i-drama engaka sisi?
I grunt and walk out of the house. I can’t
deal with these people right now. I need
to talk to
Lwazi’s parents k’qala.
We’re now outside. We get in the car, and
Derek drives to Lwazi’s house.
As soon as we’re outside, I try to open the
door, but Derek locks it.
Derek: Baby, you need to stay calm.
Me: I am.
Dean: If you want to adopt this child, you
need the parents’ buy-in. Play nice, until
we get her.
I sigh and Derek turns to look at me.
Derek: If we play nice, they’ll be open to
whatever you want to do. If you attack
them, they’ll
continue refusing to let Lwazi go.
Me: Okay.
He unlocks the door and we all get out...
I just want to get Lwazi, and leave these
careless alcoholics.
INSERT 64 (Short Insert)
We make our way inside the yard, and
Derek holds my hand. God knows how
grateful I am that
Derek is here with me. He has become
such a pillar of strength lately...
As we get to the back door, we hear loud
music.
Dean: Is this a shebeen?
My heart is aching at this point. I just
want to get this child out of here.
We knock, but obviously no one hears us.
Derek walks in first and I follow, while
Dean is right behind me. We get to the
lounge, and find
Lwazi’s mom sitting on a chair...
There’s no furniture, just plastic chairs.
She looks up and stares at me. She was
once such a beautiful woman, but now?
She looks like
the Devil.
She switches off the music.
Me: Hello, Mam’Sindi.
Sindi: Ufunani?
I feel my blood boil.
Derek: Can we have a seat?
Sindi looks at Derek sharply.
Sindi: Mpendulo! Woza!
We hear Lwazi’s dad complain, but he
eventually walks in the lounge, and stares
at us.
Mpendulo: And then?
Sindi: Ask them...
Mpendulo: What’s going on?
Me: Hello.
He looks at me.
Mpendulo: I already told that father of
yours that our daughter is not going
anywhere!
Me: She hasn’t even eaten!
I feel Derek’s arm around me, and I
remove it.
Me: How are you both sitting here while
this child is locked in the bedroom,
hungry?!
Sindi: Futsek wena!
Dean: We came to fetch Lwazi.
Sindi: And who are you?!
Dean: Someone you do not want to cross.
Now, stop this nonsense, and let go of the
child.
Mpendulo laughs boldly, and I swear I
lose my mind. Thankfully, Derek is
holding me back.
Mpendulo: Heeeh man! Fuck off!
Me: I am going to take you to jail!
They both laugh.
Sindi: You think you are Mother Theresa,
huh? Not here ke sisi!
Dean: Derek, take Ziyanda outside.
Me: Dean-
He gives me one look, and I shut up. Derek
takes my hand and leads me out of the
house. Once
outside, he makes me face him.
Derek: Breathe...
He lets go of me, and I step away from
him. I explicitly told him not to hold me
when I’m having
an anxiety/panic attack.
I start counting to 100...
Derek: Ziyanda...
I look at him. I can see him, but my whole
body is on panic mode.
Derek: Ziyanda, listen to me.
I lean against the wall and close my eyes.
Derek: I need you to tell me five things
you can see...
I take a deep breath and open my eyes.
Derek: Five things you can see...
I look around and continue breathing.
Derek: Tell me, baby.
Me: Trees... houses... street... wall...car...
My heart rate is still high.
Derek: Four things you can hear...
I close my eyes and focus on my
breathing.
Derek: Ziyanda...
I sigh
Me: I can hear the cars hooting and
driving past...
Derek: And?
I sigh.
Me: The birds chirping... kids yelling and
laughing... and your voice...
Derek: Good.
I can feel my heart rate improving.
Derek: Now tell me three things you can
touch.
I open my eyes and look around.
Me: The flowers... the gate... you...
He smiles and steps closer to me.
Derek: Two things you can smell...
I inhale and focus.
Me: Braai meat... your cologne.
He smiles even more.
Derek: And one thing you can taste...
I take a deep breath.
Me: You...
He chuckles.
I’m back.
I’m back to my senses, and this man
helped me. Where did he even get this
technique?
I stare at him, and I find myself getting
emotional. He looks at me weirdly.
Derek: Ziyanda?
I feel the tears approaching.
Derek: Can I?
I nod and he steps closer to me and wraps
his arms around me.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: You calmed me down...
Derek: I didn’t think it would work.
Me: But how did you know?
Derek: I did some research on how I can
support you...
My heart.
My heart, Lord!
I rest my head on him, and don’t even
care that my foundation will ruin his shirt.
We stand there for a while, and I
eventually look at him.
Me: Thank you.
He smiles and nods.
Derek: My love for you is overwhelming.
I giggle.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you.
We share a kiss.
Me: What is Dean up to?
He chuckles.
Derek: Dean is a passionate man... I’d
rather you not see that passionate side of
him.
Me: Passionate?
He nods and kisses me.
Derek: We’ll get Lwazi. We’ll make sure of
it.
Somehow, I believe him.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: I’ll enrol her in another school, and
make sure she has access to the best shit.
Me: Derek!
He smiles.
Derek: And please don’t try to stop me.
I’ve fallen in love with her as well.
I chuckle and shake my head.
Me: We’ll discuss this later...
He groans.
Just then, we hear footsteps and Lwazi
runs to us.
Lwazi: Mommy!
I let go of Derek and open my arms for
Lwazi.
Me: Hey, baby!
I squeeze her, and find myself getting
emotional again.
After a while, I let go of her, and she looks
up at Derek with a huge smile on her face.
Her eyes
are red and swollen from all the crying,
but the bright smile of hers remains
intact.
Lwazi: Hello, Uncle D!
Derek: Hi, sweety.
He opens his arms and they share a hug.
Derek: I have a surprise for you. You’ll eat
first, and then I’ll show you...
Lwazi: Yaay!
I look at him in confusion, and he ignores
me.
After a while, Dean walks out, and comes
to us. He looks calm and collected. He’s
even carrying
a bag, which I assume has Lwazi’s clothes.
Dean: Ready to go?
Lwazi: Yes! I’m starving!
He looks at Lwazi and smiles.
Dean: Well, I hope your stomach is ready,
because it will be filled with lots of food.
Lwazi giggles.
We then walk out. I look at Derek.
Me: Surprise?
Derek: Just go with the flow... Sometimes,
you have to improvise in life.
He kisses my cheek and gets in the car.
Dean opens the door for Lwazi and she
gets in. Dean
and I get in as well, and Derek drives off.
Dean: You need to take a bath first, eat,
and then you can come with us, okay?
Lwazi looks at me and I nod.
Lwazi: Okay!
She rests her head on me and I smile.
I am so thankful right now. I can’t even
describe my feelings.
INSERT 65 (Short Insert)
We’re now back in my house, and Lwazi is
in the bathroom...
Dean, Derek, my mom and I are sitting
outside. My dad is still not back.
Mom: So how did you get them to let go of
Lwazi?
I look at Dean. I also want to know.
Dean: We had a civil conversation. I
basically explained how this is affecting
Lwazi, and how
she will end up resenting them forever.
I look at him suspiciously and he smiles
innocently.
Mom: I’m glad you got her out of there.
Dean: So are you going to adopt her?
Mom: I think we don’t have a choice at
this point.
Dean: I think it’s a great idea. That place is
toxic.
My mom looks at me.
Me: I don’t even know where to start.
Derek: I’ll help...
I look at him and smile. Lona nje has
outdone himself today. I need to think of
ways to thank
him for being so awesome.
Mom: So Dean, wena where are your
parents?
Dean: My dad passed away, and my mom
is around.
Mom: And what’s the age difference
between you two?
Dean: I’m 34 and this one is 32.
My mom nods and looks at Derek.
Mom: How are you?
Derek smiles sweetly.
Derek: I’m well.
She smiles.
Mom: You are both so handsome... Dean,
are you married?
Derek: I am about to...
Mom: Really? You’re planning a proposal?
He nods and I smile.
Dean: She gave birth to our twins
recently.
Mom: Really? Congratulations!
Dean: Thank you.
Mom: That’s amazing. Are they your first
babies?
Dean nods tightly, and I can’t help but
notice his jaw tighten, as if something
crossed his mind.
Just then, Lwazi walks to us and squeals
excitedly. She’s wearing her new dress;
the one Derek
bought for her a while back. She
specifically stated that she was reserving
it for Christmas. She
is so cute!
Lwazi: Mama I’m hungry!
Mama, who is my mother, stands and
sighs.
Mom: Ngaze ngavelelwa!
My mom walks back in the house and
Lwazi sits down.
Lwazi: Uncle D, thank you for saving me!
Me: Which Uncle D?
She groans dramatically.
Lwazi: Konje!
She looks at Dean.
Lwazi: I have to call you something else.
We all laugh.
Lwazi: How about Uncle D number 2?
Dean: I don’t settle for second best, love.
Lwazi: Huh?
Me: Uncle D number 2 is perfect. Call him
that, baby!
Lwazi looks at me and smiles.
Me: Are you feeling better?
Lwazi: I’m just annoyed that I had to be in
the bedroom for so long.
I chuckle.
Me: Well, at least you’re here now.
She stands and gives me a hug.
Lwazi: You’re the best!
My heart skips a beat. My love for this
child is quite deep.
She then goes to Dean and opens up her
arms.
Lwazi: Thank you!
Dean pulls her for a hug and smiles. I
must say that Dean has definitely wormed
his way into
my heart. I can’t believe he has that other
cold side, that he tortured me with.
However, Liwa,
Nolwazi and Derek were right: Dean may
be a cold person, but as soon as he gets to
know you
and accept you, you start to see another
loving and loyal side of him. I guess I’m
one of the
lucky ones.
Lwazi then hugs Derek.
Lwazi: Thank you daddy.
Derek’s face changes. He’s shocked.
Lwazi: I didn’t like you at first, because I
thought you were mean.
Derek’s face softens up and he smiles.
Derek: You were the mean one!
Lwazi giggles and they share a hug. Just
then, her tummy grumbles and she
groans.
Me: Woah! Go inside and eat, please!
She laughs as she walks back inside the
house.
I check the time and it’s now 2pm.
I look at Dean and Derek, and they both
seem chilled.
Me: Let’s go to the event.
Derek looks at me weirdly.
Me: Yini?
Derek: We don’t have to go...
Me: But I want to...
He sighs and glances at Dean, who doesn’t
seem to care.
Dean: I’m quite comfortable here... I was
looking forward to your father’s chicken. I
also want to
meet the funny guy.
Me: My dad is now the funny guy?
They both laugh and I roll my eyes.
Me: Let’s go. I dressed up for this shit.
Dean grunts.
Me: You’ll meet my dad some other time.
Derek: And what about Lwazi?
Me: I’d rather she stay here.
Dean: No, she must come with us.
I sigh.
Derek: She’ll interact with other kids.
Me: Okay.
Dean: Kanti thina we’re not going to eat
your mother’s food? Haibo Dlamini.
I sigh.
Derek: Let’s go inside.
Me: Wow! Go ahead and do as you please
in my parents’ house!
Dean: Our future in-laws...
Me: Argh.
Dean: You definitely take the cup for
being the most dramatic person I know.
Me: Zip it, Uncle D number 2.
Dean: Low blow...
I stand and they follow me inside...
Also, my dad has been gone hey? Lol I’m
so glad. I hope Shoprite is packed as hell.
***
Once we’re done eating, I go to my
bedroom to freshen up a bit. Once I’m
done, we all walk out.
The conversations have been so chilled,
hey. My mom is dramatic and all, but she
is definitely a
people’s person.
As we get to the car, I see my dad at a
distance.
Me: Okay, bye bye mama. See you later.
Mom: Okay, baby.
Dean: It was lovely meeting you, ma. I’ll
be back for my chicken.
Mom: You’re more than welcome... Just
know ke that I’m charging extra.
Dean laughs.
Dean: Message received.
Me: Okay, let’s go.
Mom: Bye bye Nkanyezi.
They share a hug.
Derek: Usale kahle. Please send our
greetings to Bab’Dlamini.
Mom: Okay, darling.
I roll my eyes.
Me: Let’s go, people!
Mom: Heyi ke wena!
Lwazi gets in the car, Dean follows...
Me: Shap mama. We’ll bring Lwazi back.
Mom: Shap, baby.
Me: Love you.
She winks and I smile.
Derek: Bye, ma.
Mom: Bye, baby.
We get in the car.
Me: Drive phela.
Dean: What’s your problem wena?
Derek starts the car and we drive off.
Thank God they didn’t see my dad. It
seems like I’m the
only one who saw him.
As we’re driving, my phone rings and it’s
my mom.
Me: Mama?
Mom: You sneaky girl!
I laugh.
Mom: Sies!
Me: I’m not in the mood for a meet and
greet.
We both laugh.
Mom: Have fun ke sisi and take care of
Lwazi.
Me: Of course.
Mom: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and relax...
Words cannot describe how happy I am
right now.
I am loved by a sexy beast. This beast
feeds me, treats me like royalty, and gives
me the best
orgasms.
I am happy.
INSERT 66
Here I was, thinking we’re going to some
intimate lunch, kanti this is an actual
event. We’ve
arrived at the orphanage...
Me: I didn’t know this was a huge thing.
Dean: Go big or go home...
Me: Hmm.
I look at Derek and he smiles.
Derek: I have to check in on Xolani.
Me: Sure.
He wraps one arm around me and plants
a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
He lets go of me and rushes off
somewhere. There are kids all over the
place, running and
playing. There are different games and
stations- it genuinely feels like a festival
of some sorts.
Lwazi: Mommy, can I go and play?
Me: Of course.
I don’t have to worry about her safety.
She runs off and I sigh.
Dean: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing.
He looks at me suspiciously and I groan.
Me: I’m a bit nervous about taking this
responsibility.
Dean: Adopting Lwazi?
I nod.
Dean: You do realise that you’re already
acting motherly, right?
Me: I am?
Dean: Don’t over-think it. This child
brings out the best in you.
I sigh.
Dean: There’s no guide on being a parent.
I’m also going through a lot of confusion
and
frustration, but I’m finding my feet.
I nod.
Dean: Just give her all the love you can...
Me: Thanks, Dr. Phil.
He chuckles and we walk around.
Dean: I miss Nolwazi. I’m ditching you.
Me: How foul!
My phone rings and it’s Nomvuyo. I
answer it excitedly.
Me: Vuvu!
Nomvuyo: Hey, baby. Ukuphi kanti? I just
saw Derek.
Me: I’m with Dean.
Nomvuyo: Your new bestie?
I laugh.
Me: Where are you? I want to see you.
Nomvuyo: I’m by the water slides... My
daughter is just driving me crazy.
Me: Okay. I’ll see you now now.
Nomvuyo: Bye, love.
I end the call and look at Dean.
Me: I’m ditching you.
Dean: Uyahlanya. You’re going to help me
look for my woman.
He grabs my hand as he puts his phone to
his ear.
Dean: Lwazi...I just got here now... No...
Where are you?...
He ends the call and looks at me.
Dean: She is not happy.
Me: Really?
He nods tightly.
I’m sure Nolwazi hates me wherever she
is. This is probably her first Christmas
with Dean, and I
basically took half of his day.
We walk around.
Me: Is she angry?
Dean: Just a little.
Me: Yoh manje why are you taking me
with?
He ignores me.
We get to some food stall, and find
Nolwazi standing there by herself.
The pregnancy really didn’t do her beauty
justice. She looks amazing.
She looks at us and smiles.
It’s that fake smile.
That, “I’m smiling, but I really want to
fuck you up” smile.
Dean: Lwazi.
Nolwazi: Hi.
Dean lets go of my hand and wraps his
arm around her. She gives him a look, and
he lets go of
her.
Me: Hi, Nolwazi.
She looks at me.
Nolwazi: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: I’m sorry for all of this. It’s my entire
fault, really.
She keeps quiet.
Me: They helped me get Lwazi out of that
house.
Nolwazi: The girl you’re planning on
adopting?
Geesh news travels fast in this circle.
Me: Yes.
Nolwazi: What was the problem?
Me: The parents were being difficult. She
hadn’t eaten, and she was locked up in the
bedroom.
Her face changes, and she now seems
worried.
Nolwazi: Is she okay?
Me: We were on our way here, when I got
a call from my parents. Dean and Derek
helped me get
her...
Nolwazi looks at Dean, and he smiles.
Dean: I’m a hero. I didn’t ditch you for
nothing.
Her face softens and she chuckles.
Nolwazi: Well, I would appreciate a little
heads up next time. You can’t just
disappear like that
and expect me to not react.
Dean: I’m sorry.
Nolwazi: You owe me another Christmas
day, Dr. Hlongwane.
Me: Dr. who, now?
They both look at me and chuckle.
Nolwazi: So he hasn’t forced you to call
him by his title?
Me: Uhm, no.
Dean: I was about to... Ziyanda just talks
too much, that I never get the chance to
brag and shit.
Me: Wow!
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry for coming across as
cold, Zi. I was just baffled.
Me: It’s okay.
We share a hug.
Dean: Manje mina? Where’s my hug?
Nolwazi: You’re still in the doghouse.
Dean groans and I laugh.
My phone rings and it’s Nomvuyo. I
answer.
Me: Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Haibo sisi.
Me: Sorry, I’m on my way!
I end the call and look at Dean and
Nolwazi.
Me: I’ll see you around.
They’re both so caught up in each other’s
presence that I’m no longer a factor.
I walk away from them and try to find the
water slides. I spot Nomvuyo there and
walk to her.
Once I’m behind her, I poke her and she
squeals and I laugh.
Me: I see you’re still a virgin.
Nomvuyo: Of course I am.
We laugh and share a hug.
Me: How are you?
Nomvuyo: I am exhausted. Nyami is
obviously trying to remind me why I don’t
want more
children.
Me: You are so dramatic.
Nomvuyo: Look at her...
I look over at the children, and spot
Nyami there, having fun.
I remember her from all the pictures I
have seen.
Me: I wish I was a kid.
Nomvuyo: Right? These little one look so
carefree
She sighs and rubs her belly.
Nomvuyo: I don’t know how I feel about
this pregnancy.
Me: When are you going to tell Liwa?
She shrugs.
Me: Stop being so negative. This baby is a
blessing.
Nomvuyo: Says the person who was
freaking out when she thought she was
pregnant.
I chuckle.
Me: Better you than me.
She grunts.
Nomvuyo: So is Lwazi fine?
Me: Ya, Dean spoke to the parents.
Nomvuyo: Hmm.
Me: I didn’t know that this would be a big
event.
Nomvuyo: Derek is very passionate about
these children.
Derek.
Where is he? I miss him.
Nomvuyo: Nyami! Woza!
I look over at Nyami, who doesn’t want to
come.
Nomvuyo: Don’t make me repeat myself!
Nyami walks over to us, wet and all.
Nyami: But, mommy I st-
Nomvuyo shakes her head.
Nyami is just like her mommy and daddy.
Gorgeous little girl.
Me: Hello, Nyami.
She looks at me and frowns.
Nomvuyo: This is Auntie Zizi.
Nyami: Hello, Auntie Zizi.
She really isn’t happy about this water
slide situation. From my understanding,
she is a bubbly
girl, but right now, she is the opposite.
Nomvuyo: Let’s go to the car, so you can
change. I do not want you to catch a cold.
Nyami: But, momm-
Nomvuyo: Don’t even try to talk back.
Nyami sighs and keeps quiet.
Nomvuyo: Zi, I’ll be back...
Me: Okay...
They walk off, and I find myself smiling.
That was a very cute interaction, but I
know Nomvuyo
would disagree.
I take my phone and dial Derek’s number.
It rings for a while, and he eventually
answers.
Derek: Baby, where are you?
Me: I’m by the water slides.
Derek: Okay, I’ll be there shortly.
Me: Okay.
I end the call, and I’m shocked to see
Zimkitha standing next to me. When did
she get here?
She looks at me and smiles. There’s
something about this woman’s presence.
It’s intimidating,
yet loving at the same time. I don’t know,
man...
Zimkitha: Hello, Ziyanda.
Me: Hi, Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: You look stunning.
Me: Thank you.
She stares at me.
Zimkitha: Derek tells me you had to get
Lwazi, the girl you want to adopt...
Me: Uhm, yes...
Zimkitha: And the parents? Did they
cooperate?
Me: Only once Dean spoke to them.
She nods and becomes serious.
Zimkitha: If they give you problems,
please don’t hesitate to let us know.
Me: Thanks.
Her face then softens up again.
Zimkitha: How did the meeting with your
parents go?
Me: Uhm... It went well.
She nods.
Zimkitha: Do they love Nkanyezi?
Me: They do.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: That’s great.
I nod lightly, and feel someone behind me.
Derek’s scent fills the space, and he wraps
his arms
around me from the back.
Derek: Hey, snore face.
Me: Argh.
He kisses my cheek.
Derek: Zimi.
Zimkitha: Derek.
Derek: Liwa is looking for you.
Zimkitha nods and walks off.
I shiver and he chuckles.
Me: She freaks me out.
Derek: She’s the best, trust me. She’s just
overprotective.
Me: This overprotective trait seems to be
common in this circle.
Derek: Quite.
I groan.
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s an
unrecognized number. I answer it
reluctantly.
Me: Hello?
Person: Ziyanda...
Me: Yes?
Person: It’s Mdu...
I immediately tense up and Derek notices
this.
Me: What’s up?
Mdu: I need you...
I can tell that something is wrong.
Me: Mdu?
Mdu: I just... I need you... Please come...
Me: Where are you?
Mdu: My place.
I sigh.
Mdu: Please, Ziyanda.
Me: Uhm okay.
He ends the call and I look at Derek.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: Something’s wrong...
He stares at me.
I don’t know what to do. Is it Tholi? Are
the babies fine? What’s wrong?
Derek: So you’re leaving?
I sigh.
Derek: Would you like me to go with you?
Me: I’ve already taken up most of your
day... I feel bad.
He shakes his head lightly.
Derek: Let’s go.
We then make our way out, after checking
on Lwazi, and then got in the car.
Derek: Did he tell you what exactly is
wrong?
I shake my head.
He drives off, and I pray that whatever it
is is fixable.
***
When we get to Mdu’s apartment, it’s safe
to say I was never ready.
The atmosphere is just dark and haunting.
Me: Mdu, what’s going on?
Mdu: Tholi wants to kill herself.
Me: What??
Mdu: I found her-
He stops himself and tries to gather
himself.
I have never seen him like this.
Just then, we hear crying.
It’s the babies.
Mdu: I’m losing it.
Me: Where is she?
Mdu: In the bedroom.
Me: We have to take her to the hospital.
He nods.
He also seems like his brain is not
functioning properly.
Derek has already disappeared. He went
to the kids’ room.
Me: What happened? I thought she was
fine.
He shakes his head.
Me: Let’s go...
He leads me to the bedroom and Tholi is
in bed.
We walk towards the bed.
Mdu: Tholi...
Nothing.
He opens the covers and we look down at
her. He pulls her out of bed.
She’s literally a zombie. She has lost so
much weight.
Me: Mdu, we need to go now.
He nods and is carrying her within
seconds.
As we walk out, Derek is carrying one of
the twins.
Derek: I called Nomvuyo. She’s on her
way.
I nod.
Me: We’re going to the hospital.
He nods.
We walk out, and make our way to the
car. He puts Tholi at the back and we get
in and drive off.
Me: Why didn’t you reach out sooner,
Mduduzi?
He keeps quiet and drives on.
***
We’ve been at the hospital for over three
hours now...
The doctor finally comes to us, and Mdu
starts flooding him with questions.
Doctor: Tholi has symptoms of
Postpartum Depression.
Mdu: What?
Doctor: On top of that, it seems like she
has been suffering from depression
symptoms long
before her pregnancy.
Mdu: Postpartum depression?
Doctor: It’s also known as Postnatal
Depression. It’s a type of clinical
depression which can
affect both parents after childbirth. You
find yourself feeling overwhelmed, and
it’s not like “I’m
new at this parenting thing, and I find it
hard,” but it’s more like, “I can’t do this
and I’m never
going to be able to do this.” You feel like
you just can’t handle being a parent. You
feel guilty
because you believe you should be
handling new parenthood better. You feel
like your baby
deserves better.
I am honestly blown away at this point. I
have always known of this type of
depression, but I
honestly didn’t think it was this deep.
Doctor: You don’t feel bonded to your
baby. You just can’t understand why this
is happening.
You feel hate and anger towards your
baby, or your partner, or your friends
who don’t have
babies. You also feel hopeless, like this
situation will never get better. You can’t
function
properly. You’re disconnected: like
there’s an invisible wall between you and
the rest of the
world.
At this point, I am out of words.
Doctor: I am certain that Tholi is suffering
from this, and other things... We have
contacted the
psychiatrist and he is on his way... He will
be able to handle this issue properly.
The doctor looks at us sadly and walks
away.
I find myself pulling Mdu and hugging
him.
This shit is crazy.
INSERT 67
I’m so emotionally drained. I feel like I am
carrying the whole world, literally.
Mdu and I are now in Tholi’s room. She is
now sleeping.
Mdu: Thank you for coming.
Me: I’m glad we finally know what is
wrong. She’ll get all the help she needs.
Mdu: Do you think she’ll be fine?
Me: Over time... It definitely won’t be
easy.
He keeps quiet.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Derek. I
answer.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Baby, we’re here.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and stand.
Me: Vuvu and Derek are here.
He nods and I walk out.
I find Derek and Nomvuyo...
I immediately go straight to Derek and let
him hold me... We stand there for a long
time, until I
feel more stable.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: Mdu is in a state. I’m more worried
about him at this point.
Nomvuyo: Shame...
Me: Where are the babies?
Nomvuyo: With Zimkitha.
I stare at her in shock.
Nomvuyo: Zimkitha knows about this.
Me: Really?
She nods lightly.
Nomvuyo: Mdu told her a while back.
I sigh heavily.
Nomvuyo: So Tholi has Postpartum
Depression?
I nod.
Nomvuyo: I also had it.
Me: Really?
Nomvuyo: It took months to heal, but I
did...
Me: The problem is that she has
Depression as well...
Nomvuyo: Have they diagnosed her?
Me: The psychiatrist will make a proper
diagnosis.
Nomvuyo: She’ll be fine.
Derek wraps his arms around me again
and we share a hug.
Derek: I’m sorry...
Me: I feel bad for them.
Nomvuyo: But I think it’s time the family
knows about this. This secret life is going
to kill both
of them. They need the family’s love and
support.
Derek: I agree.
Nomvuyo: And I think if the family sees
them like this, they will be open to
helping them.
I sigh and relax in Derek’s arms.
***
It’s now around 6pm. My body is giving
up on me as well.
Derek: Let’s go home, Zi.
Me: We can’t leave them like this...
He looks at me intently and I sigh.
Me: I just want to help them.
Derek: And you’ve done all that you could.
He pulls me closer and plants a kiss on my
nose.
Derek: It’s been a hectic day for you.
Please let me take you back home, so you
can eat and
sleep.
Me: What a weird Christmas day.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Me: Will Dean take Lwazi back to my
parents’ house?
He nods.
Derek: Let’s go. We’ll come back
tomorrow.
Me: Okay, let me say goodbye to him.
He nods and lets go of me. I go to Tholi’s
room and find Mdu there, sleeping on the
chair next
to the bed.
Me: Mdu...
I walk to him and he wakes up.
Mdu: Hey...
Me: Hey...
He smiles lightly.
Mdu: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
He stands and we share a hug. We stand
there for a long time while he sobs
quietly.
Universe, I’ll get back to you about this...
We’ll discuss it once everything is fine.
I comfort him until he feels better.
But then, a thought arises.
Me: Mdu, please get yourself checked out
as well.
He gives me a weird look and I wipe his
tears.
Me: I think this situation with Tholi has
really affected you. I just want you to be
aware of your
mental health the same way you’re so
aware of your emotional and physical
health.
He sighs.
Mdu: You think I’m not fine?
Me: You’re not.
He nods lightly and I smile.
Me: Will you be fine?
Mdu: I will.
Me: Are you sure? I can stay if you want.
Mdu: I don’t want Derek to freak out. You
already spent half of your day here.
Me: I’m sorry.
Mdu: I’ll be fine, man.
We share another hug.
Me: Maybe it’s time to tell the family?
He looks at me intently.
Me: Just think about it, okay?
He nods.
Me: Shap ke.
Mdu: Good night.
Me: Same to you.
I brush Tholi’s hand and walk out of the
room, feeling a bit better. He seems better
as well.
Nomvuyo: Is he fine?
I nod.
Me: So the babies are sleeping over at
your house?
Nomvuyo: Yes, they’re safe and sound.
Me: Good.
She smiles.
Nomvuyo: It’s been a crazy day... I’ll see
you tomorrow. Get some rest, love.
Me: Bye.
We share a hug and she walks away. I
then look at Derek tiredly.
Derek: Ready?
I nod.
He takes my hand and we walk out...
***
Derek is holding onto me for dear life...
I check the time and it’s around 1am.
I try to move, but he holds me tighter.
Me: Derek, you’re hurting me...
He is groaning.
What’s going on?
His groaning gets louder, and he squeezes
me even tighter.
Me: Derek.
He is starting to sound like he’s in pain.
Me: Derek!
I break free and switch on the lamp. He is
sweating furiously. I shake him and he
tries fighting
me, but he wakes up suddenly.
Me: Star!
He is breathing heavily.
Me: Nkanyezi, what’s happening?
He closes his eyes and sighs. I watch as he
breathes in and out slowly.
After a while, he pulls me closer and my
face touches his.
Derek: Hey, I’m sorry...
My heart rate is on another level. I didn’t
even realise that I was crying.
He scared me.
He brushes my back, and I place my lips
on his.
Him: I’m sorry...
Me: What were you dreaming about?
He sighs.
I keep quiet. I’m not backing off on this
one. I want him to open up to me.
He kisses me. He is tender, like he’s
doesn’t want to break me. He slides his
hand under the
pyjama top and I moan. I want him badly,
but I also want us to talk.
He repositions us and is now on top.
Me: Derek, please talk to me...
He stares at me, and I feel his fingers slide
in me...
I know I’m ready. I’m always ready for
him.
He goes down and his face gets locked
between my thighs. He eventually comes
up, and I
welcome his erection...
Him: Baby...
He is so slow. Every single sense of mine
is wide awake. I’m enjoying this...
I’m now lost in my moans and groans.
I feel myself shudder, as that familiar rush
approaches. Seconds later, he follows, and
we both
tighten our hold on each other.
Him: I love you.
He plants a kiss on my lips and
repositions.
Why doesn’t he want me to face him?
He’s now holding me from the back. My
head is resting on his arm, and his other
arm is
wrapped around me.
Me: Derek...
He pulls me even closer until we’re
pressed against each other.
Me: Derek...
Him: Hmm?
Me: Talk to me...
Him: Go to sleep, baby...
Yes, I want to talk, but the heaviness in
my eyes is too overwhelming. I try to
keep my eyes
open, but fail.
I feel him planting soft kisses on my
shoulder, until I completely doze off...
INSERT 68
The following morning, I woke up to find
Derek in the kitchen, making breakfast.
I’m still
thinking about what happened in the
middle of the night.
Me: Morning.
He turns and smiles warmly. My insides
churn. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to
being his
girlfriend.
Derek: Hi, baby.
Me: How are you?
Him: I’m surprisingly in a very good
mood.
I look at him suspiciously. I know I’m
going to burst his bubble, because I will
force him to
speak. Usile lo.
Me: That’s nice...
He chuckles.
Him: And how are you?
Me: Could be better.
Him: Go back to bed. I’ll wake you up once
I’m done.
Me: I’ll watch you cook. Why you tryna
get rid of me though?
He laughs and shakes his head. He then
continues with what he’s doing while I
watch.
Derek: Yesterday was quite hectic.
Me: Hmm.
Him: I’m going to make sure that we have
a peaceful day today.
Me: How so?
Him: We’re not going anywhere. I’m going
to fetch Lwazi, and we’ll chill indoors.
Me: Sounds nice, but I’d rather not
include Lwazi right now. She’s fine with
my parents.
He looks at me, smiles, and then continues
with what he’s doing.
Him: We’ll check on Mdu...
Me: I encouraged him to tell his family.
Him: It’s about time. He can’t keep living
like this.
Just then, his phone rings and he asks me
to answer it.
I reach for it and see Khwezi’s name.
Me: It’s your mother.
Him: And?
I grunt as I answer.
Me: Derek’s phone, hello?
Khwezi hisses and I roll my eyes. I’m not
in the mood to fight.
Khwezi: Give Nkanyezi his phone.
Me: He’s busy.
Khwezi: Mxm.
She ends the call and I grunt.
Derek: Any message?
He looks at me and laughs.
Me: Not funny, Ngidi.
A minute later, a text messages comes
through.
Khwezi: Derek, I do not like this girl.
Something about her rubs me the wrong
way. You have
become so distant since you started being
with her, and I hate that. She is obviously
with you
for money... Why did you leave so
abruptly yesterday? It is so unlike you.
Did she put you up to
it? You missed the whole event, and I’m
sure everyone at Twilight is disappointed.
Rolls eyes. Rolls eyes. Rolls eyes.
Somebody call the nywembulence for this
grown ass woman.
I read the message to Derek and he
shakes his head in defeat and disinterest.
Derek: She’s childish.
Me: Has she always been like this, or is it
with me?
Him: She thinks she owns me.
Me: Is it?
He nods.
Me: So she hates all your ex girlfriends?
He laughs lightly.
Him: I think she hates you the most.
Me: Wow.
Him: She can see how much I love you.
Me: Mxm.
He finishes up and I help him dish up,
even after he refused. Once we’re done,
we go to the
lounge and sit next to each other.
Me: How long have we been dating?
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: I haven’t been counting. Have you?
Him: A lot of shit has happened.
Me: Exactly. I think we need a moment to
reflect on how far we’ve come. It
genuinely feels like
I’ve known you forever.
He nods.
Him: Well, I think we started getting
serious in November.
I laugh.
Me: So we’re approaching two months?
We both laugh.
Me: Infancy...
We continue chatting while eating. After a
while, we finish up and put the plates
aside.
Me: Do you like Christmas?
Him: Excuse me?
Me: Do you like Christmas?
Him: Uhm... Ya...
I nod.
Him: Why?
Me: Just asking.
Him: You’re random.
Me: Can’t help it.
He pulls me closer and kisses me.
Me: If there’s one thing you could change
in your life, what would it be?
Him: What’s going on?
Me: I’m just asking hawu!
He chuckles and looks at me thoughtfully.
Him: One thing I could change in my life?
Me: Yep.
Him: Hmm...
He’s quiet for a few seconds...
Him: I don’t think I would change
anything.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Me: Why?
Him: I don’t know...
He looks at me.
Him: And you?
Me: What?
Him: What would you change?
Me: I’d want to be born into a rich family.
He laughs.
Him: What??
Me: I’m serious. Yazi it wasn’t easy
growing up without money.
Him: But it made you who you are.
Me: Hai hai you grew up rich, but you’re
an amazing person.
Him: True...
Me: So yes, I’d want my parents to be rich.
He chuckles and kisses me again.
Me: One thing you’d want to change about
your personality?
He looks at me thoughtfully. I know he’s
probably confused as to why I’m asking
these random
questions, but this is all part of my big
plan. Operation Get Star to Open Up.
Him: Well... I’ve been told that I love too
deeply.
Me: Okay...
Him: And as a result I become naive.
Me: Hmm so you love so much that you
become naive?
He nods.
Me: Is that what you would like to
change?
Him: I think so...
Me: I love that you love deeply and
unapologetically. That’s what makes you
Star.
He smiles.
Me: Very few people can get over hurt and
recycle love.
Him: Thank you, baby.
I kiss him.
Him: Is there anything you would change?
Me: My impulsiveness.
He laughs and I roll my eyes.
Me: You know, I try my best to think
before I act, but when I’m in thaaat zone...
I lose it.
Him: You are quite irrational.
Me: I don’t mean any harm.
Him: But I love you regardless.
I smile and decide to give him a break. I’ll
have to be strategic if I want him to open
up. I don’t
want to crowd him.
***
At around 12pm, we’re still lazing
around... I didn’t realize I missed spending
time with him.
We’ve been dealing with other people’s
drama.
His phone rings, and it’s his mother again.
He ignores it and we carry on watching
ratchet reality
shows. Minutes later, there’s a loud knock
on the door and we both look at each
other.
Derek: Let’s ignore her.
I laugh.
He increases the volume till we can’t hear
much.
Me: You’re so bad.
He rolls his eyes.
Me: You’re a bad son.
The knocking eventually stops and she
send him a heated message which we
didn’t read.
Me: When is your birthday?
He laughs.
Him: 1st of Jan.
Me: What??
He continues laughing.
Me: You were born on the 1st?
He nods.
Me: OMG!
Him: It’s funny how we know all these
deep things about each other, but we’re
clueless about
the little things.
Me: Are you big on birthdays?
Him: Definitely. My favourite day.
I smile.
Me: Really?
Him: I love celebrating life. We get so
caught up in the bullshit we face daily that
we forget to
celebrate being alive.
Me: Hmm.
Him: I love celebrating birthdays.
Me: Well, that’s good, because I’m not big
on them.
Him: What? Why?
I shrug.
Him: Well, that will change. Birthdays are
a big deal.
Me: Hmkay.
Suddenly, it hits me that his birthday is in
6 days! What am I going to do for him?
Gosh.
Me: So when were you planning on telling
me that your birthday is 6 days?
He chuckles.
Him: Angazi. I haven’t gotten time to think
about it, because of you.
Me: So what are your plans?
Him: None so far... I’ll see.
I shake my head in defeat.
Me: My birthday is on the 20th of Feb.
Him: I know.
Me: How?
Him: I’m your boss.
Me: Argh.
He chuckles.
Me: I’m the best with gifts.
Him: Really?
I nod excitedly.
Him: I can’t wait.
He reels me in for a kiss...
Him: You’re definitely the best gift
though.
Me: Swoons!
He laughs...
***
It’s now the 30th and I am meeting up
with Dean to discuss a surprise birthday
dinner for
Nkanyezi. I haven’t seen him since the
26th when he told me his birth date. I’ve
been at home,
spending time with my parents and
Lwazi.
When I get to the restaurant, I find Dean
there. I join him and place my order.
Me: I spoke to Vuvu, and she insists on
cooking everything.
Dean nods.
Dean: Nolwazi will help her.
Me: Okay. Are you done with your Jar?
He rolls his eyes.
Me: Dean, get that shit done.
Him: You want me to write 100 reasons
why I love him? I don’t have the time.
Quite frankly, I
hate writing.
Me: I don’t give a shit. I need it by
tomorrow.
Him: You are going all out, aren’t you?
Me: Don’t patronise me.
He laughs.
Our food eventually comes.
Me: I want this to be an intimate dinner
with all the people he values.
Him: We see each other all the time.
Me: The only difference is that this dinner
is for Derek, so the focus will be on him,
and not the
craziness that surrounds this group.
He laughs
Me: If anyone tries to jeopardize it, I will
deal with them personally.
Him: Okay Rambo, calm the fuck down.
Me: Anyway, I’m meeting up with
Nolwazi’s friend, Slindile. Apparently
she’s a great event
planner.
Dean: She is.
Me: Good.
He gives me a bank card and I frown.
Him: From my knowledge, teachers are
underpaid.
I don’t even know how to respond to that.
I just laugh.
Him: Do as you please.
Me: I never thought I would find a blesser
in my lifetime. I’m lucky. I would like to
thank my
mother, father... The Universe...
He laughs and we continue chatting. He is
definitely right. Teachers are underpaid,
therefore, I
will use this card like there is no
tomorrow. I’m not one to say no when the
Universe comes
through for me.
Once we’re done, he offers to give me a
lift.
It’s so weird how close we’ve grown. He’s
like a big brother that I never had. Weird
shit I tell you.
We get to some rented offices and he
leads the way. We get to Slindile’s office
and she leads
us in. She’s one of those fit girls who are
obsessed with the gym.
Me: Hi.
Slindile: Hi, I’m Sly.
Me: Ziyanda.
She smiles and looks at Dean.
Sly: Dean.
Dean: Slindile.
Sly: So, Nolwazi tells me you need help
with your man’s birthday dinner?
Me: Yes. I know it’s a bit last minute.
Sly: I’ll sort it out. I just need to know
your vision...
We sit down and I explain to her how I
want everything. Once she has been
informed, we leave
and Dean drops me off at Maboneng. I’m
meeting up Niki.
Dean: Bye then.
Me: See you tomorrow.
We share a hug and he drives off.
I make my way to La Musa and find Niki
there. Only, she’s not alone. She’s with a
yummy guy.
I thought we were meeting up just to talk
about this new man in her life, not this.
I get to the table and look at her with a
grin on my face.
Me: Good afternoon.
Niki: Good afternoon, ma’am.
We laugh and share a hug. I then look at
this guy and smile. He’s definitely not her
type. Niki
loves skinny guys for some odd reason.
This one is well-built and toned and shit.
Me: Hi.
Him: Hi.
He flashes a smile. He has a lovely smile...
But he’s eyes? I feel like they tell some
deep ass
story.
Niki: This is Ziyanda, the one I always tell
you about.
He looks at Niki all lovingly and I can’t
help but want to high 5 my girl. Where in
the world did
she get this man? Also, I’m a bit
embarrassed that I don’t know much
about him. I’ve been so
focused on my Star lately.
Niki: Zi, this is Kwanele.
Me: Nice to meet you.
He stands and we share a hug.
I am about to question the shit out of
him...
INSERT 69
I look at him and he smiles knowingly. It
seems like Niki has told him a lot about
me.
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Kwanele: I’m a lawyer.
I nod slowly and look at Niki, who is
smiling from ear to ear.
Me: How old are you?
Kwanele: 34.
I nod.
Me: So how did you two meet?
Kwanele: Through a mutual friend.
Me: And who is that mutual friend?
Niki: Jeff.
I laugh.
Me: You hang out with that weed addict?
Kwanele: Yep.
Me: Wow, how weird.
Niki: I know, right? I was so shocked
when I first met him at Jeff’s place.
Me: Do you know what he does for a
living?
Kwanele: Jeff?
Me: Yep.
Niki and I laugh.
Kwanele: Escort?
Me: Hmm I guess you really are friends.
Niki: But at least he has stopped.
Me: Oh please. Jeff will always be linked to
prostitution.
Kwanele: No, he really has stopped.
Me: Hmm maybe I’m out of touch. I
haven’t seen him in a long time.
Our drinks and their food come.
Me: So, you like Niki?
Kwanele: Yes, I do.
Me: Hmkay.
I think I like him. He seems down to earth.
Me: You seem quiet. Does Niki’s vibrant
personality get too much?
Niki: Really??
I laugh.
Me: I’m just asking!
Kwanele: No, it doesn’t get too much.
Me: Hmm...
I watch them eat while I drink a cocktail,
which tastes like hell. I end up giving up
and settling
for a glass of water.
Me: So Star’s birthday is in 2 days.
Niki: Really??
I look at Kwanele.
Me: Star is my boyfriend.
Kwanele: Star?
Me: Nkanyezi.
He chuckles.
Kwanele: Got me worried for a sec.
Me: Anyway, I’m throwing him a surprise
birthday dinner.
Niki: That’s nice.
Me: I want to make it a memorable day.
You know mos I do the most.
We both laugh.
Me: I’m extending an invite to you...
Kwanele can be your plus 1.
Niki: The 1st?
Me: Yep.
Niki: Sorry, boo. We also have plans.
Me: Heeh! What are you doing?
Kwanele: Going to Durban.
Me: Argh.
Niki giggles and they share a kiss.
Me: Wow. Lovebirds.
I take out my phone and take a few snaps
of them. My phone rings and my heart
leaps when I
see Derek’s name.
I answer it as I stand and go outside.
Me: D?
Derek: I miss you.
Me: I miss you too, Star.
Derek: Ukuphi?
Me: I’m spending time with Niki and her
boyfriend.
Derek: Can I come?
Me: No.
He groans.
Derek: I haven’t seen you in three days.
Me: Baby, you’ll see me on your birthday.
I’d really like to spend some quality time
with the
people I’ve abandoned because of you.
Derek: Mxm.
I laugh.
Me: I love you.
Derek: I love you too.
Me: Bye, I’ll call you when I get home.
He groans as I end the call. I then go back
inside and find them kissing.
Me: Gosh.
Niki: Was that Derek?
I nod.
Me: So, Kwanele you guys are officially
dating?
Kwanele: I mean, I’d like to think so.
Niki: Uh-uh, you still have a long way to
go.
Kwanele looks at her and they stare at
each other amusingly. Very cute.
Kwanele: Really?
She nods and giggles.
Lord, I need to be with Derek. I can’t deal
with this right now.
My phone vibrates and it’s a message
from Dean, telling me that he just finished
up writing his
100 reasons why he loved Derek. I send
him a wink emoji. I’m glad that’s done.
Now I need to
go home...
***
The following day, I was meeting up with
Vuvu to make sure the heffer was doing
her damn job.
I was serious when I said that no one was
going to jeopardize this shit.
When I get to their home, I am met by a
very cheerful Nyami. She reminds me so
much of Lwazi.
There’s just an “It” factor that they both
have.
Me: Hey, Nyami.
Nyami: Hey, Auntie Zizi.
Me: How are you, sweetie?
She smiles and gives me a hug.
Nyami: I’m great!
Me: Where’s mommy?
Nyami: In the kitchen. She said you are
going to kill her if she doesn’t cook.
I chuckle and she leads me to the kitchen.
Vuvu is busy there with pots and shit.
Me: Hellooo!
She looks up and rolls her eyes.
Nomvuyo: You’ve turned me into your
slave.
Me: A slave for love!
She grunts and I give her a hug.
Me: Thank you for doing your job!
Nomvuyo: As if I had a choice. You’re such
a tyrant.
Me: Hai phela sisi. You are the one who
offered to cook.
She rolls her eyes.
Me: I came to check on you.
Nomvuyo: Whatever, Hitler.
Nyami: Who’s birthday is it?
Me: Uncle Derek.
Nyami nods and walks away.
Me: So how are you?
Nomvuyo: I’m fine, love. How are you?
How’s Operation Get Star to Open Up?
I sigh.
Me: I’ll get there someday.
Nomvuyo: Just be patient.
Me: I’ll try.
Nomvuyo: And don’t take anything he
does personally...
Me: Okay.
Nomvuyo: Getting someone to open up is
not easy.
I sigh.
Nomvuyo: But I’m sure he’ll appreciate
your assortments of birthday gifts.
Me: I hope so.
I smile.
Me: Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Nomvuyo: So you’re not even staying for
lunch nyana?
Me: Nope. I’m meeting up with Nolwazi’s
friend, Sly, who’s planning the setup.
She rolls her eyes and I laugh.
Me: Byeee!
I hug her and make my way out, after
saying goodbye to Nyami.
***
When I got home, I was beyond shocked
to find Derek’s car parked outside. So this
man feels
so confident that he can come as he
pleases now? Wowzer!
I walk in and hear laughter.
When I get to the lounge, I find them (my
mom, Derek and Lwazi) chilling there.
Me: Hehe.
Mom: Hey, baby.
I look at Derek and he has a mischievous
smile.
Me: Looks like I’m not needed here...
Mom: Haike don’t start!
Me: Derek?
Derek: I’m actually here to get some
chicken...
Mom: Exactly. Not everything is about
you.
Lwazi: Hey, mommy!
Me: Hey, love.
She hugs me and takes my things. She
then walks to our bedroom.
Me: Where’s dad?
Mom: He’s with his brother.
Me: Is he coming back?
Mom: Probably not.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek stands and we walk outside.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m too exhausted to be angry.
He looks at me suspiciously and I shrug.
Me: I’m not angry.
He assesses me and then smiles. When he
wraps his arms around me, I melt.
Me: My mom is in love with you.
He smiles shyly.
Derek: I’m grateful she likes me.
Me: Hmm...
He places his lips on mine and I wince. I
want him so badly.
Me: This is neither the time nor place.
He laughs and kisses me.
Him: I can give you a quick one?
Me: Not here!
He laughs and I push him away from me
before I do sinful things in my parents’
yard.
Me: Go home, please.
Him: But my home is with you.
Me: Corrrny!
I laugh at him as he starts sulking.
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Him: Come home with me, please?
I shake my head.
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.
He sighs and nods.
Me: I’ll get your chicken...
We walk in and he says goodbye to my
mother.
Mom: Hold on for a second... I have a gift
for you...
I look at her weirdly and she ignores me
and goes to the bedroom. She then comes
back with a
gift bag.
Mom: Happy birthday, for tomorrow.
Open it tomorrow.
Derek is beaming at this point. Argh.
Derek: Wow, this mean a lot to me. Thank
you, ma.
Mom: You’re welcome, baby.
They share a hug and I roll my eyes.
Derek: Wow, thank you.
His smile is cute and all, but I’m not
feeling this little relationship they have.
Anyway, after saying goodbye to Lwazi
and my mom, I walk with him outside.
We get to his car, and I look at him. He’s
smiling from ear to ear.
Me: Happy?
Him: You have no idea.
I sigh.
Him: Being accepted by your mother is a
big deal for me. I don’t take it for granted.
I smile.
Him: I don’t know... I just... I have a weird
connection with her...
Me: Is it?
He nods.
Him: Her motherliness is just heart-
warming.
Me: I’m happy that she makes you feel
that way.
Him: She’s a good mother figure.
I nod and he touches my hand.
Him: Please come with me?
I sigh.
Me: I ha-
Him: I want you to be the first person I
hold when I turn 33.
Me: Oh gosh.
Him: Please, baby?
Me: Okay.
He squeals and I grunt.
Me: I’ll go tell my mom.
He nods as I get out and go to the house. I
get in and my mom is shocked to see me.
Me: What’s wrong?
Mom: I thought you left with him.
Me: Oh... I came to tell you ukuthi
ngihamba naye. It wasn’t part of the plan
though.
Mom: You can go.
I get everything I need and then say
goodbye to Lwazi.
Lwazi: Don’t forget to give him my gift!
Me: Okay, sweetie.
I make my way back to the car and he
drives off excitedly.
Derek: I don’t think I’ve ever been this
happy in my life.
I glance at him and we both smile.
Him: Thank you...
He focuses on the road and I smile to
myself. I want him to feel very special
tomorrow... Once
again, anyone that even tries to mess this
man’s day up, will catch these hands.
INSERT 70
Derek is now fast asleep with his head on
my chest. I check the time and it’s around
10pm. I
carefully get out of bed and make my way
to the lounge, with my bag. I have to finish
up my 100
reasons for loving him. I’ve been
pestering Dean, yet I’m not nearly done
with mine. I quickly
write them neatly, cut them individually
and then put them in the small jar I
bought. This is
definitely the best gift, because I’m
basically pouring out my heart to him. I
know he’ll love it,
because he’s cornier than me.
After a while, I finish up.
I’m so excited. I just want him to feel
loved!
I clean up the space, and make my way to
the bedroom.
I drop the bag, as I see Derek struggling in
his sleep again. I rush to the bed and
shake him
lightly.
Me: D!
I shake him harder and he finally wakes
up. He stares at me in shock and I’m
crying again.
Derek: Oh, baby. I’m sorry.
He tries pulling me closer, but I refuse.
Me: Please talk to me.
He wipes his face, and rubs his eyes.
Me: Derek.
He sighs heavily and looks at me. I’m
sitting on the edge of the bed.
Him: Come here.
He pulls me and we lie there, facing up.
We’re silent for a long time.
Derek: I’ve been having nightmares lately.
Me: You don’t usually have them?
He shakes his head.
I keep quiet.
Him: I keep seeing Xolani getting beaten,
and Dean is also in the mix. It’s just
weird...
Me: Beaten?
Him: I can’t explain it...
Me: Can you see who’s beating them?
He sighs.
Him: Zimkitha.
Me: What??
I feel goosebumps as I think of that creepy
woman.
He chuckles as he glances at me.
Him: She’s not a bad person...
I grunt.
Him: And then... I see some old woman,
who keeps telling me to run...
I look at him weirdly.
I am a bit creeped out.
Him: This woman keeps pestering me
about running away while I’m trying to
focus on Dean and
Xolani.
I sigh.
Him: It’s weird explaining it out loud, but
it’s so raw and... scary in the dream...
I sigh and then reposition so I am on top
of him. He places his hands on my butt
and I stare at
him.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: It’s only a dream.
I nod.
Me: Do you want to pray?
He stares at me for a while and eventually
nods.
Me: Okay.
We both get up and then kneel by the bed.
I hold his hand and look at him.
Me: I am a strong believer in God, Derek.
He has really been a pillar of mine
through everything.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Whenever you feel scared, lonely, or
sad- don’t be afraid to talk to him. Just
express
yourself openly. It’s not about how many
bible verses you know... He will never
judge you.
He smiles.
Him: He’ll listen?
Me: Always.
He nods and we both close our eyes.
Me: Do you want me to start?
Him: I’d appreciate that.
Me: Okay...
I sigh heavily.
Me: Dear God...
I keep quiet for a while.
Me: As you can see, I have a special guest
here... Someone I’ve grown to love quite
deeply, and
who is still a bit unsure where he stands
with you.
I sigh.
Me: Anyway, I ask that you open up his
heart and allow him to see your
greatness. I’m quite
relieved that he agreed to pray with me,
because now our connection can also be
linked to you.
It’s his birthday in a couple of hours. We
thank you for always being here, even
when we
abandon you. Please bless him
abundantly. I also ask that you continue
building our bond and
make it stronger...
I feel myself get emotional.
I feel like this is a deep moment for Derek
and me.
Me: Anyway, I’m going to give him the
opportunity to speak to you, since I speak
to you every
chance I get...
I keep quiet...
Derek, please just open up?
There is silence for a long time.
Eventually, he sighs and squeezes my
hand.
Derek: Uhm...
Silence...
He groans and then I open my eyes.
I sigh.
Me: It’s okay...
He sits on the floor, and I stand. As I am
about to give him space, he grabs my
hand. I sit in
between his legs and he wraps his arms
around me.
Me: I understand...
He doesn’t say anything.
We are silent for a long time.
Eventually, I stand because my ass is in
pain. He stands as well and we get in bed.
He wraps his
arms around me and buries his head on
my neck. He’s sobbing.
My heart is so torn right now. I want to be
here for him, but I don’t know what to do.
Me: Derek, I love you.
He doesn’t say anything.
After a long time, he dozes off.
I just feel so defeated right now, but I
can’t begin to imagine how he is feeling.
My phone beeps.
I reach for it and sigh.
It’s 12am.
I shift, and carefully break free from his
hold. I then walk to my bag, and get my
jar...
I walk back to bed with it, and shake him
lightly.
Me: Star...
I’m so sleepy right now, but it is what it is.
Me: Star...
I shake him again and he opens his eyes.
Me: Hey...
He smiles at me with his swollen eyes.
Me: Sit up.
He does as he is told, and then looks at
me.
Me: Happy birthday.
I smile at him warmly and he smiles back.
I get closer to him and plant a kiss on his
lips.
Me: I love you.
Him: I love you more.
I smile and then give him the small jar.
Me: There you go... Your first gift.
His smile broadens.
Him: What’s this?
Me: A jar filled with love.
He chuckles.
Him: So how does it work?
Me: You read one note per day.
Him: So it’s filled with notes?
Me: Yes, notes written by me. 100 notes
to be exact.
He smiles wider.
Me: Open it.
He opens it and takes out one note.
Him: You wrote all of these?
I nod proudly.
He opens the note and smiles as he reads
it.
Me: What does it say?
He chuckles.
Him: Despite both of us being so smart, I
appreciate the fact that we can be stupid
together.
We both laugh.
Him: I love this, baby.
He looks like a kid in a candy store.
Him: Can I read another one?
Me: No! This should last you for 100 days!
He sulks.
Me: Don’t test me!
He sighs and reads the note again.
Him: Despite both of us being so smart, I
appreciate the fact that we can be stupid
together.
He smiles again.
Him: Baby, this is the most thoughtful gift
I’ve ever received.
I smile.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Anything for you.
He puts the jar aside and pulls me.
Him: You’re special.
Me: Not as much as you.
He chuckles and I kiss him.
Him: Thank you.
I nod and we kiss again.
I yawn and he laughs.
Him: Let’s get some sleep.
Me: Please! I thought I would wake you
up with a blowjob, but I’m tired.
He laughs as we reposition. He switches
off the side lamp and we cuddle.
I feel myself doze off...
Me: Derek...
Him: Yes?
Me: I’m here for you...
Him: I know.
Me: And so is God...
He sighs.
Me: Love you.
He kisses my forehead.
Him: I know...
I immediately doze off...
INSERT 71
The following morning, I was awakened
by Derek’s kisses. I instantly wake up and
he chuckles.
I was supposed to wake up and make him
breakfast!
Derek: Morning, sleepyhead.
Me: Argh I was supposed to wake up
earlier and make you breakfast.
Him: Guess I beat you to it.
I grunt.
Him: Breakfast will be ready in 5 minutes.
I look at him and smile. I don’t know what
it is, but he seems a bit lighter.
Me: Happy birthday, Nkanyi.
He smiles and plants a kiss on my lips.
Him: I can’t believe I love hearing you use
this Nkanyezi nonsense.
I chuckle and kiss him.
Me: Let me brush my teeth.
Him: Stinky.
Me: Futsek.
He laughs as I get out of the bed and go to
the bathroom to freshen up. I still feel like
I could
use a couple of hours of sleep, but I know
that’s not possible.
Once I’m done, I walk to the kitchen and
find him dishing up.
Me: I’m starving!
Him: I’ll feed you soonest.
I walk to the lounge and wait for him. He
follows after a while, with a tray.
Me: I feel like I’m the one who is supposed
to serve you like this.
Him: I think we’ve established that I rule
the kitchen; therefore you will be served
by yours truly.
Me: Whatever.
He sits next to me and we begin to eat.
Me: Do you have any birthday memories
that stand out?
Him: I do actually.
I look at him.
Him: I was 12 years old, and I ran away
from home.
Me: Home? As in the Ngidi household?
He chuckles and nods.
Me: Why?
Him: That whole year nje I just felt like I
didn’t belong there.
Me: Really?
Him: I was starting to understand what
they meant by “adoption” and I felt like I
was a charity
case.
Me: So where did you run away to?
I can just imagine a cute 12 year old
Nkanyezi doing shit by himself.
Him: Different places... I ended up going
back to Twilight, to Mam’Thuli.
Me: And?
Him: She took me back to the Ngidis.
Me: I’m sure Khwezi was going crazy.
Him: Of course.
Me: So the Ngidis changed your biological
surname?
He nods.
Me: Do you know your real surname?
Him: No. I used Mam’Thuli’s before that.
Me: Really? So Mam’Thuli knows your
biological parents?
He goes quiet.
Me: Have you ever asked her about them?
He shakes his head.
Him: Like I said, I have no desire to know
them.
He keeps quiet.
I also keep quiet.
I’m not sure how he’s feeling right now. I
think he’s a bit angry.
Me: Anyway, I have another gift for you.
He looks at me and his face immediately
softens up.
Him: You really are the gift expert aren’t
you?
Me: Yep.
I put the tray aside and walk to the
bedroom. I get the gift and walk back to
the lounge.
Me: Let’s finish eating first.
Him: No, I want to see it!
Me: Uh-uh.
He sulks, but I ignore him.
We eat and chat for a while, until we
finish.
I then take the plates to the kitchen, and
we wash them together. Once we’re done,
we go back
to the lounge and I take the gift and give it
to him. His smile is just something else. I
love
seeing him like this, more especially
because I’m the one who’s making him so
happy.
Me: Okay, you can open it.
He takes it out of the gift bag, and stares
at it.
Me: Do you want me to explain first, or
you want to see it?
Him: Let me see it...
I nod and watch him.
It’s an A4 envelope. He opens it and takes
out its contents.
Me: Can I explain?
He nods with a childish smile on his face.
Me: There are 12 cards there, as you can
see.
He nods.
Me: I’m actually glad that your birthday is
in Jan, because this plan of mine will be
smooth
sailing.
He chuckles.
Me: Anyway, these are monthly date
cards.
He nods slowly as he looks at them with
more understanding.
Me: Read them...
He takes the one that’s written January.
Him: January- Let’s find a recipe and
make dinner together. Nom, nom, nom!
He smiles and looks at me.
Me: So that’s our main date this month.
We’re going to find a recipe, and make
dinner together.
Him: Fuck, Ziyanda...
Petty LaBelle is just sitting there, fanning
herself. She knows she’s a champion
when it comes
to gifts.
Him: Can I read the others?
Me: Sure.
He looks for February, and then chuckles.
Him: February- Go to the Market Theatre
and watch a play together... Preferably a
historical
play.
He looks at me.
Me: Are you game?
He nods as he looks for March.
Him: March- Movie Date! You get to pick
the movie, because you’re the star!
He laughs and I join him.
Me: Okay, don’t read all of them at once.
Him: Last one?
Me: Okay.
He finds April.
Him: April- Camping. Derek, I hate this
shit, but I think it will be a fun experience.
If this shit
doesn’t work out (because I plan on
bailing out anyway) we can go bowling or
something.
He bursts out laughing and I roll my eyes.
Me: We’ll go bowling. I hate camping!
Him: We are definitely camping. Fuck you.
Me: Argh.
He puts everything aside and then pulls
me till I’m very close to him.
Him: You are... You’re something else...
Me: I know...
He kisses me and I smile.
Me: Happy birthday.
Him: It’s a happy day, indeed.
Me: I even forgot that it’s New Year.
Him: Happy New Year.
Me: Happpyyy!
We kiss again and reposition.
Me: Now, let me get rid of this erection of
yours...
Him: Do best...
***
It’s now around 10am and Derek and I are
supposed to go somewhere, but he’s busy
trying to
get us to stay in bed.
Me: Derek, don’t test me.
He grunts and finally gets out of bed.
Me: Angazi yini inkinga yakho.
Him: I just want to cuddle with you.
Me: Not now...
We go to the shower, and clean ourselves
up... Even there, we have sex, as much as I
hate
shower sex.
Heyi this one is in heaven. Must be nice.
We eventually finish up and I request an
Uber.
Him: I just don’t understand why we have
to use an Uber when we have a car.
Me: Zip it, Uber driver.
He laughs.
I decide to get Uber Black. Dean gave me
his card mos? So why must I be basic and
use Uber
X? Hai man.
We walk out, and find a Merc waiting for
us. Yaaas hunny!
Me: Hmyghad!
Derek looks at me weirdly.
Me: Hai bhuti, this is a historical moment.
Him: Mxm.
We get in, and off we go.
Derek: Where are we going?
Me: Uzobona.
We’re sitting together at the back. He’s
phone rings and it’s Dean. He answers it
and puts it on
loudspeaker.
Derek: Dean?
Dean: Ya wena njandini.
Derek chuckles.
Dean: You’re growing up, huh?
Derek: I’m a man now.
They laugh, as if there’s some deeper joke
they’re referring to. Cute.
Dean: Have a good day. I’ll see you
tomorrow.
Derek: Sure.
Dean: Are you with Dlams?
Derek: Of course.
Dean: Am I on speaker?
Derek: Yep..
Dean: Ya wena Dlamini.
Me: Ya Langelihle.
Dean: Take care of that fool.
Me: I plan to... Angithi you all decided to
make other plans, knowing very well that
it’s his
birthday.
Dean: Hai suka.
Me: Faatsek!
Dean chuckles.
Dean: Mxm, I’ll take Lwazi away from you,
uswabe.
Me: Low blow!
He laughs.
Me: Bye, loser.
Derek: See you tomorrow.
Dean: Bye.
Derek hangs up and looks at me.
Me: I can’t believe they have other plans.
The nerve!
Derek: I actually don’t care... I’m with you,
angithi?
Me: I’m also doing you a favour nje... I
could be with other important people
right now. I don’t
understand why you had to be born on a
public holiday.
He wraps his arm around me and laughs.
We continue chatting until we get to
Parkview and he looks at me weirdly.
Him: Where are we going?
Me: The zoo.
He looks at me in shock and then bursts
out in laughter.
Him: Are you fucken kidding me?
Me: You’ve mentioned once that you’ve
never been to the zoo... Fortunately, I
listen... So now
we’re here...
He stares at me, dumbstruck.
Him: Fuck, Ziyanda...
I smile and kiss his cheek.
Me: Let’s go see the lions, monkeys, and
the rest of your relatives, Mr. Ngidi!
He shakes his head in disbelief and just
smiles.
Oh, Star... This is only the beginning...
INSERT 72
After 3 hours, I must admit that I am fed
up. I have never been a fan of zoos.
Growing up, I was
always the girl who misbehaved when we
went to school trips. Derek, on the other
hand, was
beyond ecstatic. It felt like I was with a 6
year old boy. The excitement was
overboard, but cute.
We’re now heading out.
Me: Are you good?
He nods excitedly.
Him: We’re definitely coming back.
Me: I doubt the animals will be different,
baby.
He looks at me disapprovingly and I
chuckle.
Me: Look at you, being all protective of
your relatives.
He spanks my ass and I laugh. Once we’re
out, our car is waiting. I’m busy listening
to him tell
me all about the animals we saw. Well, I’m
pretending to listen...
I take my phone and check my messages.
I’m glad that everything is on track. I’m an
excellent
planner, hey. There’s nothing I hate more
than unnecessary chaos.
Him: Where are we going now?
Me: Thula.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders
and reels me in for a kiss.
Him: I don’t know what I did to deserve
you.
Me: I prayed for you...
He looks at me seriously.
Him: Really?
I nod.
Me: I was tired of going through fucked
up relationships. My mom is the one who
encouraged
me to pray. I just felt uncomfortable at
first, asking God for a partner...
He chuckles.
Me: But I guess he has finally answered
my prayers. He sent me a star.
He smiles sincerely and I kiss him.
Me: Having a good day?
Him: You have no idea.
We continue kissing until we get to our
destination.
Zoo Lake.
Derek: Picnic?
Me: Yep.
He smiles.
Him: And you hate picnics.
Me: Anything for you, Nkanyi.
We walk out, hand in hand... I lead him to
where the set up is (thanks to Nomvuyo).
Him: Wow, baby.
It looks amazing, lovely and intimate.
We sit and I insist on dishing up for us.
Him: Who set this up?
Me: A friend of mine.
He nods and smiles. He looks so happy,
and that makes me happier.
I give him his food, and we delve in.
Me: So I met up with Niki and her man.
Him: How is he?
Me: He seems cool and chilled.
Him: You like him?
I nod.
Me: He’s different. I think he’s good.
Him: That’s good.
I take out my phone and show him the
picture.
Me: Aren’t they cute?
Him: Quite. Does Niki like him?
I nod and put my phone away.
Me: They have a good vibe.
Him: Good for them.
I look at him and smile.
Me: I enjoy seeing you so carefree.
Him: I’m like this only when I’m with you.
Me: And that makes me happy.
We share a kiss and continue chatting.
I’ve been getting him to open up without
him even realising. I guess I’ve learnt a lot
from my
psychiatrist.
Me: I have another gift...
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Well it’s not really from me.
Him: Who’s it from?
Me: Lwazi.
He smiles brightly and I giggle as I take it
out. I give it to him and he takes it out of
the gift back.
He takes out the card first and in true
child form, it’s decorated with flowers
and stars.
Derek: Dear Uncle D, thank you so much
for being the best man for my mommy
and myself. I
love all the things you have bought for
me. You are the best, and you treat me
like your child. I
hope that you enjoy your day. Have a
splendid day! From: Lwazi.
He keeps quiet.
He stares at the letter intently.
What’s wrong now?
He sighs and then looks at me.
Him: I love this.
I smile.
Him: I didn’t know she loved me.
Me: She loves you.
He smiles and reads it again.
Him: I’ll support both of you.
I smile.
He then takes out the gift and it’s a slab of
chocolate.
Derek: Sweet.
Me: Literally.
He chuckles and then I take his gift and
put it away.
Me: Here’s my gift...
Him: Another one??
Me: Yep.
He laughs in disbelief as I take it out. I
hand it to him and he unwraps it.
He smiles.
Him: Cologne?
I nod excitedly.
Me: I’d like this one to be added to your
already awesome collection!
He laughs and smells it.
Me: Divine!
Him: I like it.
Me: Well, it doesn’t really matter if you
like it or not. It’s for my pleasure, quite
frankly.
Him: Poor me!
I laugh and pull him closer, and he sits in
between my legs. He relaxes on me.
This shit was expensive, but worth it. I
didn’t use Dean’s card, unfortunately. All
these gifts are
from my pocket. Dean’s card will be used
for trivial things like Uber rides and
maybe a major
personal shopping spree, you know?
We have one last stop, before we head to
Nomvuyo and Liwa’s house...
After about 2 hours, we’re done...
He insists on packing up... He is such a
domestic man. He’s definitely perfect for
me.
We get in our Uber, and drive off.
I check the time, and it’s around 4pm.
We get to Maboneng.
Him: Are we going to my loft?
Me: Not yet. We have one last stop.
He nods excitedly. My Sexy Soul Snatching
Star.
I lead him inside Moad (Museum of
African Design).
Him: And then?
Me: You’ll see...
We head inside, and as soon as he
processes everything, he lets go of my
hand and exclaims.
Him: Zi!
I smile happily.
One of his favourite photographers is
having an exhibition of some sort. This
photographer
focuses on education. She travels around
the world, collects people’s stories
regarding
education, and captures some raw
moments.
He wraps his arms around me and
squeezes me.
Him: For fuck’s sake!
I giggle.
Him: I love you!
Me: Okay okay, let’s get in and see what
she has in store for us...
He smiles widely and we walk in further,
hand in hand.
As a person who’s passionate about
education, I must say I thoroughly
enjoyed this exhibition.
Derek is on another level ke yena. He even
purchased some of her work. Yes, I love
this shit, but
I wouldn’t pay 10k for some photograph
that has random school children... But, I
guess it’s the
stories behind the photographs that
capture people’s hearts...
Derek is now in the bathroom. I walk
around, and manage to talk to the
photographer. I tell her
about Derek, and how invested he is in
her work. She’s so humble, and lovely.
When Derek
comes back and sees us, he almost
freezes. He is such a schoolboy right now.
He gets to us,
and they start having a conversation...
I’m happy for him.
At around 5pm, we finish up, and walk
out.
He is holding me very tightly right now.
Me: Happy?
Him: I’m speechless.
He kisses me.
Him: Thank you, Ziyanda.
Me: You’re more than welcome.
He sighs.
Him: Are we heading to my loft?
Me: Yes, we can walk.
He nods and we begin walking hand in
hand.
Him: This has got to be the best day of my
life.
I smile.
Eventually, we get to his loft, and we head
straight to the bathroom, to freshen up.
As much as I
tried to avoid having sex, we did, and I am
glad because it reignited my energy.
At 7pm, we’re heading to Nomvuyo and
Liwa’s house. I managed to convince him
that I needed
something from Nomvuyo. He thinks
we’re going to a restaurant after the quick
stop.
I had to stop him from trying to make out
with me in the Uber...
We eventually get to Nomvuyo’s house,
and I am so excited.
I call her as we approach the gate.
Me: Hey Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Hey, love. Are you here?
Me: Yes, I’m here. Can you let us in?
Nomvuyo chuckles.
Nomvuyo: He doesn’t know?
Me: No.
She chuckles.
Me: Okay, bye. See you now now. Hurry
up, we have places to be!
Nomvuyo: Cute.
I end the call and look at Derek, who
seems unbothered.
Derek: I’m hungry.
Me: Me too.
He strokes my thigh.
Derek: I’m craving you more than
anything.
Me: Staap!
We get out of the car, and make our way
inside the yard.
I am so excited!
I lead the way to the door, and walk in
first.
As soon as he steps in...
Everyone shouts, “Surprise!”
His face?! His fucken face!
Liwa, Nomvuyo, Nyami, Dean, Nolwazi,
Zimkitha, Xolani, Lindelwa, Malusi, Joe,
Gabi and a few
other randoms are there.
They’re all smiling.
Derek: What the fuck?!
Zimkitha: Heyiii mind your language!
Everyone laughs as they walk to us and
begin to shower him with hugs.
My heart!
He glances at me and I smile.
My Star is happy!
INSERT 73
Everyone is now making their way to the
lounge. Derek pulls me aside and wraps
his arms
around me.
Derek: You...
Me: Me...
He chuckles and kisses my forehead.
Derek: I’m speechless.
I smile and plant a kiss on his lips.
Me: I love you.
Derek: Not as much as I love you...
We share a tender kiss.
Someone clears their throat and we stop
kissing.
Dean: Ya wena.
Derek grunts and lets go of me.
Dean: Happy birthday.
They share a hug.
Me: Aww!
Dean: I’m glad you’re here. Dlamini has
been annoying us for the past two days.
Me: Watch it.
Dean wraps his arm around my
shoulders.
Dean: You good?
Me: Yep.
He nods and looks at Derek.
Dean: Had a good day?
Derek: Indescribable.
Dean: Hmmmm.
Derek: Hmmmm.
They laugh as they look at me.
Me: Mxm whatever.
We then walk to the lounge and find
everyone there, drinking champagne and
having finger
foods.
Derek: I’m starving!
Zimkitha: Relax, the table will be ready in
10 minutes or so.
He groaned.
Everyone was chatting, and I absolutely
loved the vibe.
Zimkitha walks to Derek, Dean and I, and
Derek wraps his arms around her
shoulders.
Zimkitha: Happy birthday, Nkanyezi.
Derek: Thank you.
Zimkitha: I trust that you had a good day?
Derek: Definitely.
They smile at each other. Zimkitha is
giving off very loving vibes right now, so
I’ll stop judging
her (for now).
She then turns and looks at me.
Zimkitha: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: Hello.
Zimkitha: I’ve been told that you’re an
excellent planner.
Me: I try...
She smiles and nods.
Zimkitha: Let me go help Vuvu...
Derek lets go of her and she walks away.
Why am I suddenly feeling sorry for her?
After a few minutes, we are instructed to
come to the table, by Nomvuyo. We all
walk to the
table and sit. It’s a huge round table. I’ve
been told that everyone in this circle
believes in having
circular tables rather than rectangular
ones, because it allows everyone to
interact equally, and
you get to look at everyone, instead of just
the person who is opposite, or next to
you...
Derek squeezes me hand and we smile at
each other.
Nomvuyo walks in and sits next to me. I
also asked her to organise people who
would bring our
food, and be “waitresses” because I didn’t
want anyone running around trying to
dish up for
people and shit. Even though she didn’t
want to, she eventually agreed...
As we’re sitting, the starter’s served.
Liwa: Just so everyone knows, this food
was prepared by my wife.
Dean: And the mother of my twins...
Malusi: You’ve told us a million times. We
know.
Dean: Look at the wifeless man being
bitter...
Everyone in the room laughed. Malusi
rolled his eyes.
Malusi: I don’t know why I’m friends with
you people...
Gabi: How is Nandi, anyway? Have you
guys been communicating?
I look at Gabi. She really is beautiful, but
obviously my girl Vuvu is there at the top.
I’m not one
who focuses on people’s looks, but it’s
almost impossible to not acknowledge
when someone
looks unreal. I’m surrounded by beautiful
women and handsome men... The men are
not that
humble, but they love their women
tremendously. It’s beautiful to watch.
Malusi: I was with her today.
Gabi: So you guys are spending holidays
together?
Malusi nods begrudgingly.
Gabi: Well that’s nice.
Liwa: So why isn’t she here?
Malusi: She says she’ll meet up with
Derek separately.
Liwa: Kunzima mos...
Joe: Hey, stop coming for my friend!
Everyone laughs, including Malusi. I still
don’t know how I feel about him. I just
can’t get past
the fact that he cheated on his wife.
Xolani: How was your trip to the zoo?
I roll my eyes and they laugh.
Derek: It was great.
Nolwazi: So you had never been to the
zoo?
Derek shakes his head.
Nolwazi: Aww that’s so cute.
Dean: Finally got to meet his relatives.
Everyone laughs, including me, because
that’s the exact thing I said earlier. Clearly
Dean and I
are on the same page these days.
After a while, the first course is served.
Nomvuyo: How is that Londiwe woman
who shot your cheating friend, JT?
My eyes popped.
Me: What??
Nomvuyo: Heyi Zizi these people are
crazy, I tell you.
Me: What happened?
Nomvuyo: The husband was a serial
cheater. On their wedding day, the wife
held us hostage,
tied up hubby and mistress on the bed,
shot hubby’s leg.
Me: Whooaa!
Zimkitha: Londi was just fed up. JT had
been doing too much.
Malusi: That was a dramatic wedding...
I was so shocked, but I knew my girl,
Vuvu would update me later.
***
It’s been around three hours, and we’ve
been talking nonstop. These people are
really great
company. The conversations are childish,
mature, crazy and deep at the same time.
Once we’re done eating the main course,
Liwa stands and we all quieten down.
Liwa: Okay... So this was not part of Ms
Dlamini’s plan, but we all thought it
would be
worthwhile to each share how we feel
about Derek, seeing as it’s his special
day...
I smile.
I had planned on having Dean and Xolani
say something since they’re the closest,
but I’m glad
that they all want to...
Liwa: So I’ll start, because I’ve always
been the leader anyway...
We all chuckle.
Liwa: We all know Derek is the calmer
one, out of all of us...
They all agree, and I take at glance at
Derek, who looks genuinely happy.
Liwa: But what we can all say is that he is
also the smartest, and most patient...
I’m glad I copped the smartest one of the
bunch. I can’t with a dumb dumb.
Liwa: On this day, we’re all thankful that
we have you in our lives. You’ve been
through a
shitload, but you made it. You’re the
epitome of resilience and hard work.
Liwa then looks at Derek and smiles.
Liwa: You’re like a brother to all of us... To
many more years, Nkanyezi...
He raises his glass and we do the same.
Derek: Thanks buddy.
Everyone then glances at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Do I have to?
We laugh and she chuckles. She then
clears her throat.
Nomvuyo: I know we’ve known each
other for many years, but I can safely say
that every
interaction with you leaves me feeling
more knowledgeable...
She smiles sweetly.
Nomvuyo: You carry a lot of wisdom for
someone your age, and I think it’s a trait
that only a few
have. I admire you greatly, and like Liwa
said, you’re like a brother to all of us... The
last born...
Everyone just wants to shower you with
love as soon as they get to know you.
That’s a rare trait,
because it means you’re a genuine person,
and people are drawn to genuineness...
She’s so deep! Hmmyghad!
Nomvuyo: I wish you many more years...
Happy birthday, Nkanyezi...
Malusi: Well damn...
We all chuckle, but somehow the
atmosphere has changed. It’s just quiet,
and deep.
Nomvuyo: I’m not a woman of many
words, but Derek does that to a person...
Please allow...
We laugh.
Nomvuyo: Now as you were...
She takes a sip of her water, and we all
turn our attention to Malusi.
Malusi: Listen, I’m not into this deep shit,
but I’m grateful to have you in my life... in
our lives...
Derek nods.
Malusi: I love you.
Derek: I love you too.
Liwa: Maybe that’s why you got a divorce.
You don’t have a way with words.
Everyone laughs and Malusi grunts.
Malusi: I’ll get you wena...
Liwa: I kid, I kid, buddy...
We then focus on Gabi.
Gabi: Is it my turn?
She smiles sweetly and looks at Derek.
Gabi: Gosh where do I even begin? You’re
my favourite person to go shopping with!
Everyone laughs. Gabi is sweet.
Gabi: You just get me. I know we don’t
know each other that well, but I’m just
glad that you were
the first person who accepted me into this
circle, despite others calling me a gold
digger when I
first dated Joey...
Zimkitha: Who called you a gold digger?
Gabi: They know themselves...
Zimkitha: Hehe...
Gabi: Anyway, I hope we’ll spend more
time with each other, you know? Happy
birthday!
She raises her glass and we do the same.
We then turn our attention to Joe...
Joe: Happy birthday, buddy. Like Vuvu
said, you carry so much wisdom, and
you’re always
willing to humble yourself, just to elevate
others. Your humility is astounding... I
look forward to
many years with you in our lives...
I am feeling so emotional. Derek is really
loved by these people.
Xolani: My brother, and best friend. Only
you and God know what you’ve been
through, honestly.
I’m just happy that I get to be here, and
call you my brother. You’ve provided
support for me
when I was confused as fuck about my
sexuality, worried about what people will
think. You
always encourage me to live in my truth,
and not stress about others. Thank you
for constantly
checking up on me, and making sure that I
am comfortable in my truth... We’ve been
through
some crazy shit, but we’re both here
now...
Derek stood up and walked to Xolani.
They then shared a hug. I feel like
everyone knows about
these dark times, because now everyone
is mellow and emotional...
Derek comes back and sits.
There is silence for a while.
Dean clears his throat and we all look at
him.
Dean: I think it’s difficult to make sense of
our challenges as we go through them...
It’s only
when you’ve survived that you are able to
look back and realize how strong we are...
He sighs.
Dean: I always tell you that your biggest
flaw, despite people saying that it’s an
admirable trait,
is being too strong. From my personal
experience, and observations throughout
my life, there’s
nothing admirable about being too strong,
especially if you don’t know when to
pause, and
allow yourself to go through the emotions
that are brewing in you... I think as a
family, and
friends, we’ve failed you. You’ve become
everyone’s “go to” person for problems,
that we
haven’t invested sufficient time and
energy in ensuring that you are
supported... As a person
who is close to you, I don’t want you to be
strong around me; I want you to be
vulnerable...
I glanced at Zimkitha and she was wiping
her tears. I completely agree with Dean,
and I think
it’s what I have been battling with when it
comes to Derek. He is so used to being the
tough guy
who comes through for everyone else,
that he doesn’t take care of himself...
Dean: Anyway, I think it’s time we all
reflect here... Are we always seeking
support from others,
yet we don’t give out the same support?
Are we not being selfish?
There is silence.
Dean: I appreciate every single person
here, and I sincerely want us to grow
stronger. This can
only happen if every person feels valued...
He sighs and then looks at Derek softly.
Dean: I’m not much of a talker, nor am I in
touch with my emotions and shit... But I
love and
appreciate you... We all do...
Derek nods.
Dean: So like Joe said, may we grow and
spend more time together...
We all raise our glasses.
Zimkitha: I don’t think I have it in me to
say something... I’m too emotional.
Nomvuyo: Should I get you more water?
Zimkitha: I’m okay, baby.
She sighs and then looks at everyone.
Zimkitha: More than anything, these
birthdays just remind me how old I am!
Everyone laughs.
Gabi: But you look 30!
Zimkitha chuckles and shakes her head.
Zimkitha: Thanks, Gabi... And for your
information, no one thought you were a
gold digger. We
just didn’t understand why you two
rushed to get married.
Gabi giggles.
Zimkitha: And if you ask anyone who
knows me, they’ll tell you that I’m the last
person to
judge...
Liwa: She has wrecked many hearts.
Everyone laughs except me.
Say what now?
Dean: She is definitely the last person to
judge...
Gabi laughs.
Gabi: Clearly you and I have to have lunch
together, Zimi.
Zimkitha: I am more than willing to share
my experiences...
Liwa: And you sure have a lot of
experiences...
Nomvuyo: Hey! Don’t come for my Zimi!
They laugh.
I think I might need that lunch date as
well. There’s something about Zimkitha...
Zimkitha: Anyway, I feel blessed to have
each and every one of you in my life. I
didn’t get to this
point easily... I had to make a lot of
sacrifices... But I am blessed, regardless.
She looks at Derek, with tears in her eyes.
Zimkitha: I love you so much, Nkanyezi...
Don’t ever forget that...
She sighs and shakes her head.
Zimkitha: I’ll just leave it at that...
Derek stands and they share a hug...
Cute.
He sits down again and squeezes my
hand. At this point, I just want to be alone
with him. I miss
him. Is that weird?
When I look around the table, I am
shocked to find everyone staring at me.
Haibo and then?
Liwa: Ms Dlamini...
I sigh.
Are they really expecting me to say
something? Now? I’m so tired though!
I clear my throat and look at Derek. He’s
smiling.
Me: Uhm...
I sigh.
Me: I’m also not good with words...
Dean: Bullshit.
I grunt and take a deep breath.
There’s silence for a while.
Me: I don’t think I’ll ever find ways to
describe or explain how I feel when I’m
with you...
I try my best not to break down.
Me: You love so openly and
wholeheartedly, and I am so grateful that
I get to be on the
receiving end of such a true and raw kind
of love.
I sigh.
Me: The memories we’ve shared so far
have opened me to the point of no return.
Every day, I
aim to love you just as much as you love
me. I aim to not just tell you I love you,
but show you
as well. Thank you for being patient with
me, and showing me the true healing
power of love.
I smile.
Me: I’m glad that you went through all the
things you went through, because those
experiences
shaped you, and have made you my Star. I
love you, and I wish you many more
years... Happy
birthday, Nkanyi.
He pulls me and we share a hug. I shed a
couple of tears.
Derek: I love you more.
He kisses me, and I almost get lost in that
kiss, but remember that we’re not alone.
Liwa: Deep stuff...
Out of nowhere, everyone stands, and
they shares hugs.
These people are so strange. It’s like
there’s an unspoken language that they
communicate in.
Nomvuyo: You’re so sweet sometimes.
Me: You too.
We chuckle and share a hug.
After a while, we all go to the lounge, and
find stacks upon stacks of gifts.
How I wish I was Derek right now. Yhu.
***
We’re now in his apartment, cuddling in
bed...
I’m exhausted.
Derek: Are you falling asleep?
Me: Mmm.
He kisses my forehead and I smile.
Me: Had a good day?
Him: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
Him: You’re the best.
I giggle sleepily.
Me: I’ll give you the rest of your gifts
tomorrow.
Him: There’s still more?
Me: Yep.
I feel him smile.
Me: One more thing...
Him: What?
I open my eyes and look at him sleepily.
Me: I spoke to my parents...
Him: About?
I keep quiet and he nudges me.
Me: I’m going to move in with you...
I swear the world may have stopped
moving...
Him: WHAT?!
Me: Can I sleep now?
Him: Ziyanda!
Me: Hmm?
I was too tired to pay attention to him. I
felt myself doze off into a very peaceful
sleep.
INSERT 74
The following day, I wake up at around
10am- that’s how tired I was...
Derek is nowhere to be found. I make my
way to the bathroom to clean myself up
and then
make the bed.
Derek: So you walk around naked when
I’m not around?
I squeal as I take a gown and cover
myself. He shakes his head and smiles.
Derek: You do know that we have sex all
the time, and I know your body, right?
Me: Whatever.
He chuckles and walks to me.
Derek: Slept well?
Me: Like a baby.
He wraps his arm around my waist and
plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: I couldn’t sleep at all.
Me: Really?
He nods and smiles widely.
Me: I wonder why.
He squeezes me and I giggle.
Me: I don’t remember what happened last
night. I was that exhausted.
Him: Hey!
I continue to giggle and he sulks.
Me: What did I say?
Him: You’re moving in with me.
Me: Hmm.
He looks at me intently, and I can just see
the joy he’s feeling.
Me: My mom didn’t even hesitate to
agree.
Him: Are you serious?
Me: Yep. She says it’s the perfect way to
get to know each other.
He nods and smiles.
Me: My dad, on the other hand, is a bit
sceptical.
Him: Did he say why?
Me: He’s a bit traditional, so I think the
thought of living together before
marriage, is a bit
daunting.
Him: I understand...
Me: But he’s supportive...
He nods slowly and we sit down.
Me: But you do realise that it’s not going
to be peaches and cream all the time,
right?
Him: Definitely, but it’s worth it...
I nod.
Him: I want us to work out, and I know
we will.
I smile.
Me: You are so corny.
I kiss him.
Him: Breakfast is ready...
Me: Perfect, let me get dressed.
Him: Let me help you...
I roll my eyes as he stands and pulls me
up...
***
It’s Wednesday, two days since Derek’s
birthday. As much as he was sulking, I
insisted on going
home and spending time with my parents
and Lwazi.
My mom has already started packing my
things. All of this feels rushed, but right. I
haven’t had
time to let it sink in, but it is what it is. I
genuinely want to move in with this one.
Mom: So the plan is to move in next
week?
Me: Yes.
She smiles.
Mom: I think it’s a great idea, to be honest.
At least you’ll know him before you two
decide to
get married.
Me: Mmm.
Mom: Don’t over-analyse it, baby. I
personally trust Derek.
Me: Hmkay.
Mom: And I think we should meet his
parents, you know?
Me: The mom resents me.
Mom: Really??
Me: Yep.
I decide not to tell her about the slap
situation, because I know she would run
to wherever
Khwezi is, and rearrange her.
Mom: Haike, Derek will have to intervene
and sort that out.
Me: I don’t even have the energy for that
situation. That woman is deranged.
She laughs.
Mom: Childish woman. I’ll deal with her if
things get out of hand.
Me: I know you will...
We both laugh and I watch as she
continues packing.
Mom: So when are you going to start
learning how to cook?
Me: I can cook hawu.
Mom: Hmm okay ke sisi.
We continue chatting...
***
The following day, Derek, being the
person that he is, pitched out of nowhere.
I was inside the house, watching TV, while
my mom was busy doing the laundry
outside.
Mom: Baby, Derek is here!
Me: Tell him to go back to wherever he
comes from!
Mom: Hai suka. Come here.
I walk to the kitchen, and I’m completely
shocked to see plastics filled with
groceries.
Me: And then what?
He looks at me innocently and smiles.
Mom: Heyi we are being spoilt here.
Me: Derek?
Derek: I thought I should get you a few
things...
Me: A few?
I look at all these plastics and he shrugs.
Mom: Hai suka wena Ziyanda. Stop being
ungrateful!
She takes her phone and dials my dad’s
number.
Mom: Heyi phela you will not believe
this... Derek bought groceries... Yebo...
She laughs.
Mom: Hmkay I will tell him... Bye, see you
soon...
She hangs up and looks at Derek happily.
Mom: He says this must be a consistent
gesture, because he doesn’t appreciate
inconsistency.
They both laugh and I’m just out here
confused and annoyed. Why is he doing
this? Argh.
I walk back to the lounge and continue
watching TV. Lwazi is outside playing
with her friends,
and my dad is spending time with his side
of the family...
Derek follows me and sits next to me. He
looks so chilled, and that annoys me even
more.
Derek: Hi.
Me: Hello.
He keeps quiet and I focus on the TV.
My mom walks to the lounge.
Mom: I’ll be back a bit later. I’m meeting
up noVuyi...
Me: Okay.
Mom: And don’t be childish about this.
Don’t bore us.
She then looks at Derek and smiles.
Mom: Thank you very much for your kind
gesture, Nkanyezi. I’ll see you soon, right?
Derek: Definitely, and you’re welcome.
Mom: Bye.
She walks out and closes the door.
We both focus on the TV for a while.
Eventually, he turns to look at me.
Derek: How are you?
I sigh.
Me: I’m good, and you?
He sighs.
Him: I miss you.
Me: Hmm.
Him: There’s nothing wrong with what
I’ve just did.
Me: I don’t even have the energy to be
angry.
He smiles and pulls me closer to him so
we can kiss.
Him: Missed you.
Me: Me too.
Him: You’re mean.
Me: Silly old me?
He kisses me.
Me: Sorry, I’m just grumpy.
He kisses me again and I smile.
Me: Let’s go out for lunch.
Him: Perfect.
Me: Let me get ready...
Him: Where’s Lwazi?
Me: Playing with her friends... She’ll come
back later.
Him: I miss her.
Me: She’s been asking me about you.
Him: We should have a play date.
Me: You do know that she is 11 years old,
right?
Him: Don’t rain on my parade.
I chuckle and stand.
Me: Will be back now now.
I walk to the bedroom, and get dressed
properly. As I finish up, he walks in and
by the looks of
it; we might just have sex...
***
We’re now at Nex Door, waiting for our
order
Me: So Nikki and I always stop drinking
alcohol for the first two months of the
year.
He looks at me in shock.
Me: What?
Him: You? No alcohol? What?
I laugh.
Me: We’ve been doing it for three years
now. We obviously start on the 2nd,
because the 1st is
always spent drunk.
Him: You weren’t that drunk on my
birthday.
Me: Because I spent it with your old
friends. Nikki and I usually spend NYE in
pyjamas, drinking
and stuffing our faces.
Him: So am I supposed to hold you
accountable?
Me: No need to. I know how to control
myself. Alcohol is not an addiction of
mine...
Him: Hmm.
Me: Anyway, Nikki wants us to have a
double date.
Him: With her boyfriend?
I nod.
Him: Hmkay.
Me: I think you’ll like him. You two have
similar personalities.
Him: You’ve met him once.
Me: So?
He shakes his head and chuckles.
Me: So, I’ll let her know that you’re up for
it.
Our food finally comes and we start
eating.
Him: So I’ve organized this whole moving
process...
Me: Thank God. I don’t think I want to lift
a finger.
Him: Lazy bone.
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s an
unrecognized number.
Me: Excuse me...
He nods and I answer.
Me: Hello?
Person: Ziyanda?
Me: Yes.
Person: Hi, dear, you’re speaking to
Zimkitha.
Me: Oh.
Say what now?
Zimkitha: How are you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Zimkitha: I’m good, love.
I keep quiet.
Universe, what does she want from me?
Zimkitha: I would like to extend an
invitation for lunch, tomorrow.
Me: Uhm...
Zimkitha: Derek told me that you’re
planning on moving together... I’m very
happy for you two.
Me: Uhm... Okay...
Zimkitha: Is that a yes?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Would you like me to send a
driver for you?
Me: No, thanks. Just send me the location.
Zimkitha: Alright then... And don’t come
with Derek, please.
Whoa does she want to secretly chop me
and bury me somewhere?
Zimkitha: Bye, dear.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and look at Derek weirdly.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: Zimkitha has invited me for lunch.
Derek: Oh...
He carries on eating as if he doesn’t really
care.
Me: You knew?
Derek: She asked for my permission.
Me: Oh... And you don’t have a problem
with that?
He shakes his head and smiles.
Derek: She wants to know you better...
Me: Hmkay.
I focus on my food.
I wonder what Zimkitha wants from me...
INSERT 75
Niki is finally back from her baecation and
I’m happy for her. This guy seems good
and chilled...
Just what my girl needs.
I’m meeting up with her later, and we’re
meeting up with Jeff and Ziggy, our good
ol’ mates.
They are a story for another day...
My mom on the other hand, is still busy
packing. To me, it seems like she is
excited ngathi she
has always wanted to get rid of me. My
dad, on the other hand, is all sad and shit.
He keeps
saying that the house will be too quiet
without me.
At around 1pm, I made my way out of the
house, to Zimkitha’s house. I’ve been told
that it’s a
mansion that Zimkitha refuses to let go.
It’s a Mzinyathi gem.
My Uber ride is expensive as hell. Maybe I
should have taken Zimkitha’s offer...
Anyway, as I get out of the car, the gate
opens, and Nyami runs to me.
Nyami: Auntie Zizi!
Me: Hey, baby!
She wraps her arms around me and we
walk in. Now, Nyami loves her parents,
but she is
obsessed with her Granny Zimi. They’re
inseparable.
Nyami: I’m so glad you’re here. Zimi even
cooked for you.
Me: Really?
She nods.
Well, now I just wish I had brought Lwazi
with. I concluded a while back that they
would get
along if they met noNyami.
Anyway, I am beyond stunned by this
house or “mansion” rather.
Me: This house is huge.
She giggles.
Nyami: Vuvu and Gog’Zodwa used to live
in that cottage over there.
She points at a guesthouse at a distance...
It’s probably the size of my house...
We get to the door and Nyami leads me in.
I don’t know how I feel right now. I think
I’m numb. Zimkitha freaks me out a bit,
because she’s
intimidating, yet she has a loving aura at
the same time.
As we get in the kitchen, we find Zimkitha
there. She smiles as soon as she sees us.
Zimkitha: Ziyanda!
Me: Hey...
She opens up her arms and we share a
hug. She smells really good... Like
generational wealth...
Zimkitha: How are you? You look great.
Me: Thank you. I’m well, and you?
Zimkitha: I’m well...
Nyami: I’ll be in my room, Zimi.
Zimkitha: Okay, baby.
Nyami runs off, and I am left with
Zimkitha all by myself. Save me, Universe!
Zimkitha: Would you like something to
drink?
Me: Water is fine.
Zimkitha: No champagne?
Me: I’m not really a fan of champagne.
Her: Really?
I shake my head.
Her: I have a wine cellar, if you’re a wine
enthusiast.
“Wine enthusiast” hehe thatha English...
Me: No, thank you. Water will do.
She nods and gets some bottled water
from the humongous fridge.
Me: Beautiful house.
Her: Oh, this little shack of mine?
She laughs and I join her.
Her: My grandparents worked tirelessly
to build this...
Me: Do you live here by yourself?
Her: Yes, unfortunately.
Me: Geesh, and the cleaning?
She chuckles.
Her: Well... I have helpers...
Me: Hmm.
Her: I’ve noticed that you and Vuvu get
along...
Me: Yes, we do.
She smiles and nods.
Her: She is not a people’s person, so I’m
always happy to see her gravitate
towards someone.
I smile.
Her: And I’m sure she has told you our
family history.
I try to keep a straight face and she
laughs.
Her: Oh, sweetie, the Mzinyathi history is
fucked up. No need to hide your shock
and horror...
I sigh and she continues laughing.
Her: Let’s go to the lounge...
I follow her and we sit opposite each
other.
Her: The food will be ready soon.
I nod.
Her: So what made you agree to move in
with Derek?
Me: It just feels right.
She nods slowly and looks at me softly.
Her: Derek is really loveable, isn’t he?
Me: Too much.
She chuckles and takes a sip of her
whiskey... Yes, whiskey...
Me: Why do you live by yourself?
She raises an eyebrow and takes another
sip of her drink.
Her: Well, firstly, I’m recently divorced...
Me: Divorced?
She nods.
Her: My marriage was arranged, but I
grew to love that poor man.
Me: Poor?
She giggles.
Her: Poor in every sense of the word.
Me: Ouch.
Her: Unfortunately, he was also in love
with Nomvuyo’s real mom...Technically, I
stole him from
her.
Me: She’s still alive?
Her: Yep. She still hates me. She just fails
to understand that the whole thing was
arranged.
Me: So your ex-husband is Nomvuyo’s
real father?
She nods and smiles sweetly.
Woooah! I feel like my brain is going
through the most right now.
Her: I have a very rich history, Ziyanda.
Liwa always says I’m a walking textbook.
I keep quiet.
Her: Anyway, to answer your question
fully, I live alone because I’m divorced,
and my kids are all
grown...
Me: How many kids do you have?
She pouts a bit and sighs.
Her: Two.
Me: Two? I only know Liwa.
Her: Liwa has a twin.
Me: Really?
I don’t remember if I was told this before,
but I’m a bit surprised.
Her: Her name is Princess.
I nod.
Her: She is in the UK.
Me: That’s nice.
Her: Definitely. She is not the nicest
person though...
Me: Really?
She chuckles.
Her: Liwa is the kindest.
Me: He is.
Her: But he has a really cold side as well...
Me: I’ve noticed that that’s a common trait
with all of them.
She raises an eyebrow.
Her: All of them?
Me: Yeah, Liwa, Dean, and Derek.
She sighs and nods.
Her: They’re all very close, and they’ve
somehow become the same. It’s creepy,
isn’t it?
Me: Very creepy, but I understand. They
hang out with each other all the time, so
their habits
probably rubbed off on all of them.
Her: They’ve always been in each other’s
lives.
She looks at me intently, and I can feel
myself squirm uncomfortably. See what I
mean with
Zimkitha? One minute, she’s all cute and
lovey dovey, then the next minute, she’s
all intense and
shit.
Her: I’ve watched all of them grow, and I
am very proud of the men they’ve
become.
Me: You were in all of their lives?
She nods.
She takes a sip of her whiskey and looks
at me sweetly.
My heart rate is on another level.
Me: I admire the love they share. It’s very
deep.
Her: They all have one thing in common...
She stares at me.
Her: And I have a feeling you know...
I want to stand and run, but my body is
failing me.
Her: They’re all my sons...
Really, Universe?!
At this point in time, I’m dumbstruck.
INSERT 76 (Couldn’t edit)
I look at her.
Zimkitha: Ziyanda?
She looks at me softly as she stands and
sits next to me.
Me: What?
She continues to look at me softly.
Me: What do you mean they’re your sons?
She keeps quiet.
I stand and look down at her.
Me: I need the bathroom.
She tells me where to go and I make my
way there. I’m too calm for my liking right
now. I get to
the bathroom, and sit there for a while.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Derek.
I answer without any hesitation.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: Hi, baby. How’s it going? I miss
you.
I smile.
Me: I’m very overwhelmed by this
gigantic house.
He chuckles and I feel myself relax. He’s
my happy place, this one.
Him: And how’s Zimkitha? She hasn’t
killed you?
Me: Not yet, but I’m anticipating it.
He laughs and I join him.
Him: Okay then... I’ll know where to find
you once you disappear.
Me: Bye.
Him: Love you.
Me: Right back at ya.
I end the call and sigh. Once I’ve gathered
my thoughts, I walk back to the lounge.
Where is
she?
Zimkitha: I’m here!
I follow her voice and it leads me to a
room with a large circular table. I did
mention that they
only use circular tables to eat, right?
She’s already sitting down... I sit next to
her and a young woman serves us our
food.
Zimkitha: Are you okay?
Me: I’m fine.
I stare at her and she smiles.
Me: What do you mean they’re your sons?
Her: Everyone knows they’re my sons...
I look at her in confusion.
Her: Liwa may be my only biological son,
but I’ve always treated them the same.
She smiles sweetly.
Her: They’ve been in each other’s lives
forever... They’re like brothers.
I sigh.
Her: And I’m sure Lindelwa would also
say the same thing... They’re all her sons...
Me: What about Khwezi?
She tightens her jaw, but remains smiling.
Her: What about her?
Me: Would she also say Dean and Liwa
are her sons?
She sighs.
Her: Khwezi is different.
Me: How so?
Her: Well, she is not as invested in family
as the rest of us.
Me: Really? Then why would she adopt
Derek and Xolani?
She is quiet for a few seconds.
Her: Her husband is the one who pushed
for the adoption, because she can’t
conceive.
Me: She can’t conceive?
She shakes her head lightly.
I keep quiet. I need to process this
information. What she is saying makes a
bit of sense.
But then again, Zimkitha confuses the shit
out of me.
Me: Has she always been this mean?
She laughs sweetly.
Her: Khwezi is a typical housewife...
I don’t say anything.
Her: Is she mean to you?
Me: She slapped me.
Her jaw drops and she looks at me in
shock.
Her: What??
I shrug.
Me: I couldn’t be bothered, honestly. I also
don’t like her.
Her: She slapped you??
I nod and she hisses as she takes a sip of
her whiskey.
Her: She is quite annoying.
I can’t help but chuckle.
Me: So you don’t like her?
She shakes her head.
Her: I don’t get along with people who
lack substance.
Me: Well damn...
She smiles and we begin to eat.
Her: Something tells me you have a lot of
substance...
Me: Boring old me?
She laughs.
Her: Tell me about your family.
Me: There isn’t much to tell, really...
Her: Tell me.
I sigh as I begin telling her about my mom
and dad.
After a while, once I’m done, she smiles.
Her: You sound like you’ve had a love-
filled life.
Me: Definitely.
Her: That’s amazing. I could always tell
that you come from a stable family...
Me: Uhm okay...
Her: So according to Derek, I freak you
out?
Really, Derek? How you gonna expose our
gossip like that?
Me: I can’t seem to figure you out.
Her: Really?
I nod.
Her: Well, I’m a mystery to myself as
well...
I chuckle.
Her: I’ve just been through a lot, that’s all.
Above all, I’m a protective mother...
Me: I’ve noticed.
Her: And because of that, I tend to come
across as hardcore, when in fact, I just
overly love.
Me: Hmm.
We focus on our food for a while.
Me: So do you have a favourite son?
She giggles and sighs.
Her: I love them for different reasons...
Liwa is my go to person for anything. Out
of everyone in
my life, he genuinely gets me, and he
never judges me.
Me: That’s sweet.
Her: He always has my back, ever since he
was young...
I nod.
Her: And he knows everything about me.
Me: Everything?
Her: Let’s say 95%...
Me: Hmm.
She smiles.
Her: Dean, on the other hand, is my
business confidant. I learn a lot from
him... I love his
toughness. He just doesn’t give a shit
what anyone has to say about him. He
does whatever he
wants, and he has taught me to do the
same- shamelessly.
I nod. I have to say I also admire Dean for
that. He does his own thing...
Her: Xolani is just amazing. I always knew
he was gay, and he was always free
around me- even
before he came out.
Me: I love him.
Her: He’s just stunning!
We both chuckle.
Her: And then there’s Nkanyezi...
I feel myself smile. Argh I miss him.
Her: I think you understand why I love
him...
I nod.
Her: I don’t know where he gets all the
love he gives. It’s mind-blowing.
She smiles.
Her: I just want to see him happy. He has
been through so much.
Me: I want him to open up to me.
She looks at me sympathetically.
Her: Give him time.
Me: Okay.
Her: He loves you, I know... He’ll open up...
Me: Okay.
Her: So do you understand what I mean
by them being my sons? I would die for
every single one
of them.
I smile. I think I’m less judgemental
towards her now. She’s just a loving
person.
Her: And of course Nomvuyo is part of the
equation.
Me: Of course.
She laughs quietly.
Her: We have a very strange dynamic, but
it works for us.
I nod lightly.
Her: Anyway, enough about the deep
stuff. How amazing was his birthday?
Me: Amazing and exhausting.
Her: He can’t stop talking about it.
I smile.
Her: Thank you for making it memorable.
Me: You’re welcome. I’m glad he enjoyed
it.
After a while, we finish up eating, and
we’re served dessert.
***
Overall, that lunch was good. I think I got
to know Zimkitha on a deeper level, and
understand
why she behaves the way she does. I still
have my suspicions about her, but I think
I’ll just mind
my own business...
I’m now meeting with Niki for a quick
catch-up session...
I give her a squeeze and we make our way
to Cocobel in Maboneng for milkshakes.
Me: So how does it feel to be a Love Lives
Here resident?
She laughs.
Niki: Love doesn’t live here as yet... I’m
taking it slow.
Me: I like him though.
Her: That makes two of us.
I smile.
Her: He opened up to me yazi...
Me: Really?
She sighs heavily and nods.
Me: Yini?
Her: He was married twice...
Me: Huh??
Her: Ya... He’s still waiting for
confirmation of his second divorce.
Me: Geesh.
She sighs.
Her: Yep... I don’t know how I feel about
all of that.
Me: Yoh...
Her: But I’m not one to judge... It’s just too
much, you know?
I nod.
Her: He’s just been through so much... I
feel bad for him.
Me: I guess we all have our bullshit...
Her: Definitely. I want to be with him.
Me: Then be with him.
She sighs and nods.
Her: He’s just very broken...
Me: I doubt he surpasses Sexy Beast.
We both laugh.
Her: You must give me tips phela.
Me: I’ve ghat you.
We continue to chat.
Me: Oh, and Nkanyi agreed to a double
date... Set it up.
Her: Yay!
Just then, her phone rings and she
answers it.
Niki: We’re at Cocobel... Hai suka...
She laughs and ends the call.
Me: Jeff?
She nods.
Just then, a car pulls up by our table...
Jeff and Ziggy walk out and I exclaim.
Me: My people!
They get to us and I give them big hugs.
Woo but I missed Ziggy. We’ve always had
a strangely
close relationship. We met them at a
house party back in varsity (they weren’t
students though)
and we’ve been cool ever since. Ziggy is
my person though...
Niki: Gosh I forgot about Zi Squared...
Me: Don’t be jealous!
Ziggy: You have really abandoned us, you
fool.
Me: Dude, I have a boyfriend now. Leave
me alone.
Jeff: Hehe Niki tells us you’re fucking your
boss.
Me: Mxm.
They join us and I force them to order
milkshakes as well.
Ziggy asks them to add some alcohol...
Me: How’s Luu?
Jeff grunts and I chuckle. Luyanda and Jeff
are beyond inseparable. They’re high-key
addicted
to each other, and it’s a bit toxic as well.
Jeff: The baby has calmed her a bit.
Ziggy: But she’s still a bitch.
Niki and I laugh.
Jeff: Hey! I’ll fuck all of you up!
We continue laughing at him.
Jeff: I think you guys should reach out to
her.
Niki: No way!
Jeff sulks.
Me: I’m good, fam. Your girlfriend still has
a lot of growing up to do...
Jeff: Mxm.
Ziggy: So wena how’s your love life?
Me: Fantastic. Being loved is nice, guys.
Jeff: Preach.
Ziggy: Mxm.
Me: Weeh you’re still out and about?
Jeff: Nope, he has fallen in love with a
rebel.
I shake my head disapprovingly.
Me: What do I always say to you? You
need a solid woman... Not a childish
person.
Ziggy: I love living in the fast lane.
Jeff: And Ivy sure as hell offers that shit.
I blink a couple of times.
Me: Say what now?
They all look at me weirdly.
Me: Ivy??
Ziggy: Yep, lovely name, huh?
Me: Ivy Dumakude?
Ziggy smiles.
Me: What the hell??
Gosh, I am actually fed up. Can the world
get any smaller?
INSERT 77
Niki: And then wena?
I roll my eyes.
Me: Ivy is that annoying kid I told you
about.
Ziggy: Annoying? Uyanya wena!
Me: Argh how did you even meet? What a
disgusting combination!
Ziggy: We met at a house party... We
clicked...
Me: Mxm.
Jeff: She also annoys me. Childish.
Me: I’m glad we’re on the same page.
Jeff: How do you know her?
Me: Through mutual relations...
I grunt.
Me: Anyway, how’s fatherhood, friend?
Jeff: I’m trying by all means to adjust to
this shit. It’s not easy.
I nod.
Jeff: And Luyanda seems to be going
through a lot of emotional shit as well.
Me: Is she still going through a lot with
her father?
He nods.
Me: Shame.
He sighs.
Jeff: We’ll get through it though...
Me: Shout if you need help.
He nods.
Me: You guys can join our double date?
Jeff: Double date?
Me: Niki is organizing it.
Jeff: That would be perfect for Luu. I think
she could use some air.
Ziggy: Can I also come?
Me: Euww, no. We’re good.
Ziggy: Mxm rude.
We all laugh at him.
Niki: It seems like your girl is a no-go-
zone.
Ziggy: She’s amazing. Zi is just a
judgemental bitch.
Me: More like a truthful bitch. I speak
nothing but the truth.
Ziggy: Mxm.
We continue chatting for a while... Good
vibes, man...
After a long time, my phone rings and it’s
Derek.
Me: Excuse me.
I stand and walk away from the table as I
answer.
Me: Nkanyi.
Derek: Can I fetch you?
Me: But what kind of an Uber driver are
you? Are you not supposed to wait for me
to request
first?
He groans and I laugh at him. His
separation anxiety is on another level.
Me: You can come.
Derek: I’ll see you soon.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and walk back to the table
and sit.
Jeff: So, I’m telling Niki that I want to start
a business.
Me: Really? That’s great.
Niki: As long as it has nothing to do with
prostitutes, then I’m behind you all the
way.
We all laugh.
Me: So what do you want to do?
Jeff: Open up restaurants...
I nod slowly.
Me: Yazi that’s my dream. Imagine all the
eating I’d do?
Ziggy: You’ll get fatter.
Me: And my man will still love me. Wena?
Ivy is going to leave you as soon as she
finds another
idiot.
Niki: Ohhh!
Jeff: Ziyanda 2... Ziggy 0...
Me: Don’t come for me!
Ziggy: I don’t know what my baby did to
you.
I chuckle and try to hug him but he sulks.
Me: Haike... Anyway, Jeff, I love the idea.
Have you completely stopped this
escorting business?
He looks at Ziggy and they both nod.
Me: Hehe... If you say so.
Niki: I still can’t believe we’re friends with
you idiots. You’re technically doing some
illegal shit.
Me: If the police ever approach me, I will
deny knowing anything about your shit.
Jeff: That’s what you’re supposed to do
vele.
We continue chatting until I spot Derek
walking towards us. He looks so yummy,
but I can tell
that he is in a sulky mood.
He finally gets to us, and he greets.
Niki: Derek!
She stands and they share a hug.
Derek: How are you, Nikiwe?
Niki: I’m good, and you? Happy belated
birthday!
Derek smiles and nods.
Derek: Thank you.
He then looks at Jeff and Ziggy. I can tell
that he is trying to figure out what the hell
is going on.
Ziggy: What’s up, mate?
Derek: Hi.
Jeff: Howzit?
Derek: I’m well.
Aww shame this snob of mine.
He looks at me.
I stand and he instantly wraps one arm
around my waist.
Territorial much? If only he knew that he
has nothing to worry about here.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Hey...
I then look at Jeff and Ziggy.
Me: This is Derek, my boyfriend.
I then look at Derek.
Me: This is Jeff and Ziggy, very good
friends of mine.
Derek nods expressionlessly.
Ziggy: Nice to finally meet you, mate.
Derek nods tightly.
Me: Okay then, bye guys.
Ziggy: See you soon?
Me: Definitely.
Ziggy stands and we share a hug.
Me: Jeff? We’ll meet up, angithi?
Jeff: Definitely.
Me: Bye.
Niki: See you soon... Bye, Derek.
Derek: Goodbye.
I get my bag and we walk away. He is still
holding on to me.
Me: Are you okay?
He nods tightly. I decide not to probe him
further. He’ll come around...
We get to his loft and I go to the lounge
while he goes to the bathroom. My phone
rings and it’s
Niki.
Me: Friend?
Niki: Is he fine? Why was he so cold?
I chuckle.
Me: Ngimazelaphi?
Niki: Haike... bye.
Me: Shap.
Niki: Ziggy doesn’t like him.
Me: As if Ziggy’s approval controls my
intake of oxygen...
She laughs.
Me: Bye, friend.
Niki: Byee!
I end the call and Derek walks back and
sits.
Me: Yini manje, Mr. Grumpy?
He looks at me blankly.
Me: You can’t possibly be jealous...
He looks at me weirdly.
Him: You can’t possibly think I’m that
insecure.
Me: Whooa!
Him: I’d like to think that I’m experienced
enough to identify a threat when I
encounter one.
Me: Heee! Thatha Derek!
His face softens up and I pull him closer to
me.
Me: I’m all yours.
Him: Who are those weirdos, anyway?
Me: Very good friends of mine.
He grunts.
Him: You sure know how to pick ‘em.
Me: Don’t come for me.
He kisses me, and I relax.
Me: My mom has sent me a message
telling me that she’s done packing my
shit.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Him: Are you serious??
Me: Yep. She is so excited. It’s obvious
that she wants to get rid of me.
Him: Well, you’ve basically been cock-
blocking your parents for 25 years.
Me: Heey!
He laughs and kisses me again.
Him: How was your lunch?
Me: It was weird...
Him: Weird?
Me: Weird, but good.
Him: She’s not bad, right?
Me: Not at all.
Him: So we love Zimkitha?
Me: Hmm I still need time to think about
it...
He huffs.
Me: Anyway, can we take a long shower,
and cuddle? I’m tired.
He nods excitedly as he stands and pulls
me up.
***
Two days later, I’m super excited for our
double date!
I am putting a lot of energy in dressing up
and looking pretty. Yes, I’m that excited!
It’s around 5pm, and I’m at Derek’s place.
It’s so weird how I’m always with Derek...
Technically,
we’ve already moved in together. I still
want us to discuss how I’m going to
contribute to rent
and shit. I’m not about to kipita for free...
Anyway, I help Derek get dressed, and I
marvel.
Me: You look stunning!
He smiles.
Derek: I feel like you’re too excited for
this date.
Me: Because duuh!
He chuckles.
Me: Niki and I have always fantasized
about having amazing boyfriends, and
linking them up.
This is a big deal!
He looks at me weirdly and I giggle.
Me: You don’t get it...
Him: Clearly.
We finish up and I get a call from Niki
telling me that they are on the way.
We get to the car and drive off.
Derek: So you’re basically going to force
me to be friends with this person?
Me: Yep. I like him.
He glances at me and shakes his head
lightly.
Me: He’s so calm. Ufana nawe!
Him: I doubt there’s another Derek in this
world... I’m special, boo.
Me: Boo?
I laugh and he joins.
Me: Euww don’t ever call me that. You’re
far too sophisticated for such lingo.
Him: Gosh.
I continue laughing as he mocks and
imitates me.
Eventually, we get to the restaurant and
we are led to our table.
We find Niki and Kwani (yes, I call him
that now) sitting already.
Me: Hey, people!
Niki: Heey!
She stands and we share a hug.
I look at Kwani and smile happily. He beee
handsome, hunny.
Me: Heeyii!
Kwanele chuckles as he stands and hugs
me.
Me: You smell stunning!
Kwanele: Uhm... Thanks?
Niki: She’s obsessed with smells.
Derek: Definitely.
Me: Kwanele, this is Derek, my boyfriend.
Derek: Boyfriend? Are we kids?
Me: What am I supposed to say? I’m not
used to introducing you to people.
Derek: I’m your man... Your future
husband...
Me: My roommate?
We laugh.
Niki: Haike! We don’t have time for your
inside jokes. Finish up this introduction
phela.
Me: Oh, yes! Kwanele, this is Derek...
Derek, this is Kwanele, Niki’s boyfriend...
Boyfriend?
Kwanele chuckles.
Kwanele: Quite a childish term...
Derek: I’m glad we’re on the same page.
They shake hands as they chuckle.
I knew they’d get along. Stunning!
We sit and order.
Me: How was your baecation?
Derek: Bae what?
Me: Stop exposing your age, grandpa.
Derek chuckles.
Me: They went on a vacation.
Derek: Lovely. We should probably do the
same.
Me: True... Considering the fact that
schools open the week after next.
Kwanele: You also teach, Derek?
Derek shakes his head.
Derek: I’m the head master.
Me: Master...
We both laugh quietly.
Niki rolls her eyes. It’s only when I’m
around people that I realize that Derek
and I always have
these random moments when we laugh
about dumb things... And Niki is the one
who always
points it out.
Kwanele: So you two work together?
Me: Yes.
Kwanele: What an interesting dynamic.
Derek: I’m interested to see how things
will be, because we only got really close
during the
holidays.
Kwanele: Hmm... I’m sure you’ll expose
yourselves...
Derek: I’m planning on resigning
anyway...
Kwanele: Future plans?
Derek: Opening my own school.
Kwanele: Great concept... If you need
property assistance, hit me up.
Niki: He’s a lawyer... Used to specialise in
property.
Derek: What changed?
Kwanele: Got boring after a while... I’m
into family issues now, so that’s what I’m
studying.
Derek nods slowly.
Derek: What’s your surname?
Kwanele: Buthelezi...
Derek nods and glances at me. I’m
smiling. This is just amazing!
After a while, our food finally arrives and
we begin eating. The conversation is
flowing,
kumnandi, you know?
Derek: So you mentioned that you were
married...
Kwanele: Twice.
Derek nods.
Kwanele: It’s a very complicated story,
and I’m only recovering now. It was a bad
situation.
Derek: Really?
Kwanele nods lightly.
Kwanele: I messed up badly, and that
resulted in my wife moving on with her
boss and having
two kids with him...
Derek glances at me. He seems interested
in Kwanele. I’m glad they’re getting along.
Kwanele: The divorce was very messy,
but it’s over now... I’m just waiting for this
second one to
be finalised. My second wife is MIA.
This second wife better bring her ass here
and sign these papers. Niki can’t be cock-
blocked by
a selfish wife who won’t let go.
Anyway, we continue chatting for a while.
Good vibes.
Kwanele’s phone rings and he sighs.
Kwanele: Please excuse me...
We all nod and he walks away...
Niki is so happy, and I’m happy for her.
She asks to go the bathroom and
disappears as well.
Me: How amazing is he?
Derek drinks his wine and then looks at
me coolly.
Me: And I like that you’re two are getting
along.
Derek: You are clueless, aren’t you?
Me: About what?
He sighs and shakes his head.
Derek: Ah... Ziyanda Dlamini...
He drinks his wine and shakes his head
calmly.
I don’t know what his problem is.
Kwanele is great.
INSERT 78 (Couldn't edit the insert)
Derek: I’m finding you very cute right
now…
Me: Kanti yini wena?
He chuckles and shakes his head lightly.
Shortly after, Kwanele and Niki come
back at the same
time.
Just then, Derek’s phone rings and he
excuses himself and walks away.
Niki: So, baby, do you like Derek?
Kwanele: You two are really serious about
hooking us up, huh?
Niki and I laugh.
Me: Well, I just think you two are very
similar. You’re both calm and collected,
you know?
Niki: Match made in heaven!
Kwanele chuckles and continues shaking
his head lightly. Derek eventually comes
back and we
finish up our food. I’m glad that the
conversation is flowing. I am happy that
Derek gets to
interact more with my people, because
we’re always with his people. Lol Kwanele
is officially
my person now. He and Niki are good
together.
It’s now around 9pm, and I am exhausted.
Derek: I think we should get going…
I yawn and nod.
Derek: Great meeting you, Kwanele.
Kwanele: Likewise.
They smile at each other and nod.
Derek: Niki, I’ll see you around?
Niki: Definitely.
We say our goodbyes and make our way
out.
Derek: You seem tired.
Me: I am.
Him: It’s all the talking you did tonight.
Me: Zip it, hater.
He laughs as we get in the car and drive
off.
***
The following day, I get a call from Mdu,
asking me to come through. I was not in
the mood, but
when I thought of poor Tholi, I had no
choice but to agree. I honestly just want to
find out how
she is after she was diagnosed with
Postpartum Depression.
Derek comes back from the bathroom and
I look at him.
Derek: What?
Me: Am I not allowed to take a close look
at the person I sleep with?
He chuckles.
I watch as he lotions his body and gets
dressed.
Me: So…
He sits next to me and looks at me coolly.
Me: Uhm so… Mdu just called me…
He looks at me weirdly.
Him: No.
Me: No, what?
Him: Stop involving yourself in other
people’s business.
Me: I’m not!
He shakes his head sternly.
Him: Ziyanda, do you understand that this
is bigger than what you think it is? Why
hasn’t Mdu
told his family about this shit?
I keep quiet.
Him: People are going to get hurt by this
revelation.
Me: But still…
He looks at me.
Me: Tholi is depressed.
He still doesn’t say anything.
Me: I don’t have it in me to dismiss people
when they need me. I’m not like you.
Him: What you won’t do is try to turn this
around, just to make yourself feel better.
I sigh.
Me: They need us!
Him: Can you imagine what will happen
when these people find out that we were
in on this?
Me: I will face those consequences when
we get there. What I will not do is shut
these people
out when they are going through all this
bullshit.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I’m a helper, I can’t help it.
Him: You like taking on projects.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Solving other people’s problems
fuels you.
I swear the world stops moving for a
second.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Part of you is obsessed with helping
out other people and solving their
problems.
I try to stand and he pulls me down.
Him: Don’t go running off, being dramatic.
I mean this in a good way. It shows how
thoughtful
you are.
I sigh.
Him: I just think there has to be a limit.
You can’t allow yourself to be too
consumed with other
people’s lives…
Me: I can’t help it.
Him: I know.
He takes my hand.
Him: And I’m not going to try to change
you. I just don’t want you to be so
involved in other
people’s drama.
I sigh.
Him: But because I love you so much, I
will be here for you… Even if it means I
dig us a deeper
hole…
Me: We’ll just check up on them, and
leave. I promise!
He chuckles.
He stands and I watch him finish getting
dressed. Once he is done, he looks at me
expectantly.
Him: Asambe.
I stand and we make our way out.
***
We get to the complex, and meet Mdu.
Me: How is she?
Mdu: She’s getting better. She’s been
seeing a psychiatrist, and has the
necessary meds.
Me: That’s good.
He nods.
We get to their penthouse and find Tholi
washing the dishes.
Me: Hey, Tholi.
She looks at me and smiles. She looks
much better. Her chubby cheeks are back,
and she looks
normal again.
Tholi: Hi, Ziyanda.
Me: How are you?
We share a brief hug and she looks at me
awkwardly.
Tholi: I’m okay, and you?
Me: I’m okay.
She avoids Derek’s eyes.
Derek: Hello, Tholi.
Tholi: Hi.
Derek and Mdu walk off to the balcony
and I look at Tholi softly. I just want to
hold her tight,
and assure her that everything will be
okay.
Me: How are the babies?
Tholi: They’re okay.
Me: Are they still nameless?
She giggles and nods.
Me: Oh my goodness. When are you
planning on naming them?
She shrugs.
Okay. She hasn’t recovered. I won’t
discuss the babies. She seems uneasy as
soon as I bring
them up.
Me: You look good yazi.
Tholi: Don’t lie.
I smile genuinely and she smiles back. She
then finishes up cleaning and we walk to
the lounge
and sit down.
Me: Is the treatment helping?
She looks away, clearly embarrassed.
Me: Tholi, did Mdu tell you that I was
diagnosed with depression?
She looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Yep.
Tholi: But… You don’t seem…
She sighs and keeps quiet.
Me: I look normal… I know…
She looks at me softly.
Me: But it took a lot for me to get to
where I am right now.
Tholi: Really?
I nod as I begin to tell her what I also
went through.
Once I’m done, I’m shocked that both of
us are a sobbing mess.
Me: It’s not easy…
Tholi: I thought I was crazy.
Me: But, you’re not.
She keeps quiet.
Me: Depression is a silent killer. We’ve
always been told that people who suffer
mentally are
attention seekers and dramatic…
Tholi: I couldn’t explain what I was
feeling.
Me: Because no one understood?
She nods.
Tholi: No one really paid attention to me. I
always had to take care of other people’s
needs.
I nod. I want her to open up. I want her to
trust me. I don’t know why, but I
genuinely feel like I
have a connection with her.
Tholi: My mother died of AIDS and my
aunt basically sold me off…
She sighs and wipes her tears.
Tholi: I’ve been through so much,
Ziyanda, and I honestly don’t think I have
it in me to be happy.
I’m scared of being happy.
Me: But Mdu makes you happy.
She smiles and nods.
Tholi: I’m scared I’m going to lose him.
Once his family finds out about us, things
will change
drastically.
Me: Don’t worry about all of that. Focus
on your emotional and mental progress.
Tholi: It’s not easy.
Me: Mdu is willing to fight for you. He will
never abandon what you’ve managed to
build
together.
Tholi: But I won’t be able to live with
myself, knowing that I ruined his
relationship with his
family.
I sigh and nod.
Tholi: I’m very overwhelmed.
Me: Take it one step at a time.
She nods.
Me: From now onwards, you have to focus
on getting healed. You won’t be able to
raise these
babies if you’re like this.
She keeps quiet.
Me: And I’ll also support you. I’ve been
through all of this.
Tholi: Will it get better?
Me: Most definitely.
She sighs heavily.
Just then, Mdu and Derek walk back to the
lounge, and Derek sits next to me, while
Mdu
disappears.
Tholi looks at Derek worriedly.
Tholi: Is he okay?
Derek: Ya, he’s going to the bathroom.
She nods and fidgets with her fingers.
Derek: Don’t put yourself under too much
pressure.
Tholi looks at him.
Derek: You’re being too hard on
yourself…
She doesn’t say anything.
I look at Derek and smile. I’m glad he’s not
being cold…
Tholi: Would you like something to eat?
Derek: I’m famished.
She looks at me and I nod as well.
Tholi: Okay.
She smiles as she stands and walks to the
kitchen.
I look at Derek.
Derek: You’re lucky I love you…
I get closer to him and plant a kiss on his
cheek.
Me: You’re the best!
He chuckles and shakes his head lightly.
Derek: Hmm...
INSERT 78
After a long afternoon with Tholi and
Mdu, I could tell that Mdu was a bit
calmer. This whole
situation had obviously taken its toll on
him, and he for a while, he had lost his
rational self...
Tholi, on the other hand, seems more
comfortable around me now, and I’m glad.
As messed up
as this situation is, I really sympathise
with her.
Anyway, after saying our goodbyes, Derek
and I are heading back to his place.
Derek: Do you mind if I drop you off?
Dean wants to see me.
Me: Are you having a boy’s night?
Him: You could say that.
Me: Okay. I’ll have an early night.
Him: Are you okay with me leaving you
alone?
Me: I love you and all, but I think I can
survive a few hours without you.
He chuckles and focuses on the road...
***
Before he left, Derek ensured that I had
enough food. Clearly, this boy’s night will
end with him
being drunk. I’m actually glad that he’s
going out. He and I have been glued
together for a while
now.
I’m now in the lounge, catching up on
Little Women, when I get a call from an
unrecognized
number.
I answer reluctantly.
Me: Hello?
Person: Ziyanda?
Me: Yes, who am I speaking to?
Person: Siya.
I legit have to stop myself from laughing. I
had completely forgotten about the
infamous worm!
Me: Hello, Siyabonga.
Siya: How are you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Him: I’m good. I was just checking up on
you... You sort of disappeared.
Me: How sweet.
Him: Still sarcastic, I see.
Me: Hmm... I’m good. Now can I end the
call?
He groans.
Him: Apparently you’re in a relationship?
Me: Keeping tabs on me, I see...
Him: Word on the street.
Me: Well, please tell the streets to stop
keeping up with my irrelevant fat self.
Surely there are
other important people they can focus on.
He laughs.
Me: Don’t call me again, yes?
He grunts.
Me: Bye...
Him: Bye.
I end the call and roll my eyes.
Yazi there’s nothing I resent more than
these exes. I’m not even going to entertain
this shit. He’s
a non-factor right now, and he disturbed
me while I watched one of my fav ratchet
reality
shows. Nxa.
Afte a while, I’m already snoring on that
couch. I don’t even remember dozing off.
***
So...
I’m finally moving out of my parents’
house.
I’m legit moving in with my boyfriend.
Lol, who would have thought?
Derek organized for my things to be
moved, so thankfully, I didn’t have to lift a
finger. My mom
is too excited for my liking. She just wants
to get rid of me ASAP.
We’re in the lounge, and my dad is all sad.
Me: It’s not like I’m leaving the country,
you know?
Dad: I’m not used to any of this. I don’t
think it’s a good idea.
Mom: Things are done differently now.
She must get to know Derek properly
before they get
married.
Me: Wooah! Who said anything about
marriage?
I’m low-key nervous about this move, but
I’m also at peace with it.
Dad: It will take time to convince me.
Mom: You’ll be fine...
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. It
has to be Derek, because my dad insisted
on having a
chat with him. As he walks in the lounge,
he looks at me and smiles, and then greets
my
parents.
Mom: Hi, dear.
My dad nods.
Derek then sits down and I walk out.
I make my way out of the yard and find
Lwazi playing with her friends.
Me: Lwazi.
She runs to me and I wrap my arm around
her shoulders.
Me: I feel like having some Tropika... Let’s
go get some.
She gets her shoes and we begin walking.
Me: Are you sure that you’re okay with
me moving out?
She nods.
Lwazi: It’s not like I’m going back to my
parents’ house.
I nod.
Lwazi: Stop worrying about me, I’ll be fine
here.
Me: But you know that I’ll still see you,
angithi?
She nods and smiles.
Lwazi: I hope you have lots of fun with
Uncle Derek.
I chuckle.
Me: We’ll have lots of fun, sweetie.
We get to the shop and buy some Tropika.
We then make our way back to the house.
I’m glad
she’s taking this so maturely. I guess my
parents’ love is sufficient.
Once we get to the house, Derek is
walking out.
Me: Done?
He nods and smiles.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Yoh.
He chuckles.
Derek: I’ll wait for you in the car.
I nod.
Derek: See you around, Lwazi?
Lwazi: Yes!
They share a hug and I walk in the house.
Mom: Bye bye ke sisi.
Me: So, I’ll see you around?
We all chuckle and shake our heads in
unison. This feels a bit weird.
Dad: Derek has somehow eased my stress.
Me: Really?
He nods and chuckles.
Me: Hmkay then. Nisale kahle.
Mom: Have you spoken to Lwazi?
Me: Yep.
I hug them and leave. I squeeze Lwazi and
then make my way to the car. I’m actually
quite
touched now. This has been my quiet and
safe space for 25 years. Now I’m leaving?
Lord, it
better be worth it, otherwise I’ll come
back running.
Derek: Ready?
Me: I guess.
Derek: We’re still in South Africa. No
worries.
Me: Whatever.
He takes my hand and kisses it.
Derek: I appreciate this.
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He starts the car and drives off.
Me: I’m so sad...
Derek: You’ll be fine...
We drive in silence, while I take a nap.
Once we get to Randburg, we make our
way to his place. As we’re walking, he
wraps his arms
around my shoulders and makes me stop.
Derek: Still sad?
Me: Kinda.
Derek: I feel bad.
Me: I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep it off.
Derek: You want to sleep?
I nod and his face changes. I can’t seem to
read it, nor do I have the energy to.
Derek: Uhm... Okay.
He takes his phone and begins typing.
We starting walking, and as soon as we
get to the door, and I open it, I hear
people yell,
“Welcome to your new home!”
It takes me a minute to register what is
going on.
Me: What the hell?
I look at Derek, and he looks nervous,
probably waiting for my reaction.
Zimkitha, Liwa, Nomvuyo, Nyami, Dean,
Nolwazi, Gabi, Joe, Malusi and Xolani are
there.
Malusi: Is she okay? She looks frazzled.
Dean walks to me and pats my shoulders.
Dean: Ms Dlamz.
I snap out of it.
Nomvuyo: Surprise!
She walks to me and laughs. She gives me
a hug and I sigh. I’m so overwhelmed
right now.
Nomvuyo: How are you? You look sad.
Me: I’m just tired.
I look at everyone and smile.
Me: Hey, everyone.
Zimkitha is smiling very warmly.
Gabi: So you guys are moving in? That’s
perfect!
I look at her and she walks to me with a
glass of champagne.
Me: No, thank you.
Gabi: Champagne solves everything, babe.
She smiles sweetly.
Me: Sabbatical.
Nomvuyo takes my hand and leads me to
the table filled with food.
Nomvuyo: You’re probably hungry. I
know I am...
She winks at me and I chuckle.
Nomvuyo: You’re not in a people mood,
huh?
Me: I mean, this is cute.
She dishes up for both of us.
Me: Let me go greet them, before they
think I’m rude.
Nomvuyo: Hmkay.
I walk away and go to everyone. They’re
chatting up a storm, as usual.
Zimkitha: Hey, dear.
Me: Hi.
We share a hug.
Zimkitha: We’re excited for both of you.
Me: Thank you.
She nods and takes a sip of her whiskey.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
We share a hug.
Liwa: How are your parents?
Me: My mom seems very excited that I’m
leaving.
Liwa: 25 years is a long time.
Zimkitha: Haibo, you should be the last
person to say anything. You’ve been
attached to me
since birth.
Liwa: Oh, please, woman... We can’t live
without each other, you and me...
They look at each other and chuckle.
They’re cute.
I then walk to Dean and Nolwazi. They’re
busy sharing their usual lovey dovey
moments.
Me: Hey, lovebirds.
Nolwazi: Hey, beautiful!
She gives me a warm hug.
Nolwazi: I guess you’ve finally joined the
vat en sit squad.
We laugh.
Me: Yeah, I guess.
Nolwazi: Don’t worry about it. You’ll learn
how to live together.
Me: Have you guys figured it out?
Nolwazi: Dean is predictable, so I’m okay.
Dean: Wow, I won’t stand here and listen
to such disrespect.
Nolwazi chuckles and kisses him before
he walks away.
Nolwazi and I continue chatting for a
while. I really admire this one. She’s so
confident and
chilled. I listen to her tell me all about her
megabytes...
After a while, I find my way to Dean, and
he’s with Derek.
Dean: Derek tells me you were in a foul
mood?
Me: Not necessarily foul...
Dean: Are you okay now?
I nod.
Dean: Good.
I then look at Derek.
Me: I’m fine, Nkanyezi.
Dean chuckles.
Derek then plants a kiss on my cheek and
excuses himself.
Dean: He worries a lot about you. A lot.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Me: I was just sad about leaving my
parents.
Dean: He tends to take things personally.
I sigh.
Dean: He tells me you were with Mdu and
his little family.
My eyes pop out and he chuckles.
Dean: Mdu told me a while back.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Dean: Word of advice?
I sigh, because I already know what he’s
about to say.
Dean: Don’t cross the line.
I keep quiet.
Dean: You’re not stupid, you know that
this is a fucked up situation that has the
potential to
damage this family.
Me: It’s not that simple.
Dean: I’m not going to have a back and
forth with you.
Me: Haike don’t try to act all macho on
me. Leave me alone.
He chuckles and nods.
Dean: I’m also trying to protect Derek.
He’s involved because he loves you a bit
too much.
I don’t say anything.
Dean: I don’t want you putting him in
compromising situations.
Me: Are you threatening me?
Dean: What? How could I possibly
threaten the great Ziyanda of the Dlamini?
I try to keep a straight face, but end up
laughing.
Me: Argh, I hear you. I’ll back off.
Dean: Good. Mdu is a man. He put himself
in this position, so he must work it out.
Me: You are all such cold people. Gosh.
He laughs and wraps his arm around my
shoulders.
Dean: Let’s feed you. Apparently you’re a
beast when you’re hungry.
Me: Fuck whoever told you that.
He chuckles as he leads me to the table
with food.
INSERT 79
It’s been a few hours, and my mood has
changed. Being around these people
seems to have
some form of positive effect on me.
I have been avoiding Malusi as much as I
can. I’m still on the fence with this one
and his
cheating ways.
I’m now chilling with Joe and Gabi. She’s
busy telling me how she got Joe’s
assistant fired, but
she’s still bothering them.
Gabi: I just feel like she is trying to test
me.
Me: She has some guts. Fetch the bitch.
She laughs and I join her.
Joe: I don’t think you’re a good influence
right now, Dlamini.
Me: Well, this ex-assistance of yours is
clearly a problem.
He grunts.
Gabi: He slept with her.
My eyes pop and Joe looks at me casually.
Gabi: It was when we weren’t together.
I sigh in relieve.
Me: Joe, couldn’t you pick someone else to
sleep with?
Gabi: Ask him, Zizi. He just had to go for a
thirsty bitch that works for him.
Joe chuckles.
Joe: I feel attacked right now.
Gabi then takes my hand and leads me to
the champagne. She’s obsessed with it.
Gabi: You think I should fetch the bitch?
I laugh.
Me: I was just joking.
She stares at me and narrows her eyes.
Gabi: You’re low-key crazy, aren’t you?
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking
about! I plead the fifth!
We both laugh as we walk back to Joe,
who is now joined by Malusi. Malusi is
also very
intimidating, but because I don’t like him,
he really doesn’t faze me.
Gabi: Baby, let’s go say hi to Zimkitha. I
think she doesn’t like me.
Malusi: Now who in the world wouldn’t
like you, Gabi?
Gabi: Treacherous, right?!
She giggles as she takes Joe’s arm, and
leads him to Zimkitha. I guess I’m not the
only one who
secretly wants Zimkitha’s approval. The
woman is a powerhouse, man.
Malusi: And I finally get to interact with
the great Ziyanda of the Dlamini...
I find myself rolling my eyes.
What a bore.
Malusi: You really don’t like me, huh?
I look at him blankly, despite feeling some
type of way about his handsome self.
Malusi: You don’t know me, Ziyanda.
Me: But I know what you’ve done.
Malusi: So you’ll avoid me forever?
Me: I mean, I don’t mind.
He laughs quietly and shakes his head
lightly.
Malusi: Well, as long as you’re fully aware
that your avoidance won’t really
eliminate me. I’ll still
be here.
I stare at him serious, as he grins.
Me: I don’t like people who hurt other
people.
His face changes and he becomes serious.
Me: I’ve been a victim of that, and I don’t
find it funny.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Who died and gave you the right to
intentionally mess up someone’s life,
more especially
someone you claim to love?
Malusi: It wasn’t intentional.
Me: Once... maybe... Twice, you’re trying
it... But, more than that? Bullshit.
He keeps quiet.
Me: In my eyes, you’re a horrible person,
and it’s going to take a lot to change my
mind.
Malusi: And who died and made you God?
Me: I’m definitely not God... But I am a
woman who has been hurt by a person
who’s exactly like
you: arrogant and not remorseful. Don’t
you feel out of place with these people in
this room?
Do you not see that you’re the odd one
out? All of these people seem to cherish
the women
they love. Now where in the world did
you get picked up from?
He grunts.
Malusi: For fuck’s sake...
We stare at each other for a while.
Just then, I feel someone’s arms on my
waist, and Derek’s scent fills me.
I missed him.
I look at him and smile.
Me: Hey, you.
Derek: Hey, baby.
Me: Are you avoiding me?
Derek pouts and I giggle.
Malusi: Well, now you know how it feels
to be avoided, oh great Ziyanda.
I roll my eyes and he walks away.
Derek: And then?
Me: Argh, he really gets to me.
Derek: You two will never get along?
Me: No, I don’t want to get along with him.
I’m fine without him.
Derek smiles and pulls me closer.
Derek: I miss you.
Me: You’ve been running away from me.
Derek: Giving you space.
Me: Hmm.
We share a kiss.
Derek: I’m ready to kick these people out.
Me: Rude, Ngidi, rude.
Derek: I want you all to myself.
Me: Really??
He nods and kisses me.
Derek: I want to welcome you properly.
Me: Yaaas!
We kiss again.
Nomvuyo: Heey!
We stop and look at her.
Nomvuyo: You have the rest of your lives
to be all sexed up. Come to the lounge...
We didn’t even realize that people had
gone to the lounge. Xolani even left,
because he has
other appointments apparently. I miss
him. I make a mental note to set an
appointment with
him so we can catch up.
Anyway, we walk to the lounge, and find
everyone there.
Liwa: Finally! We had to leave you two
there...
Zimkitha: Oh, please. You and Vuvu are
always attached to each other.
Everyone laughs. Well know about Liwa
and Nomvuyo. These two are waaay too
addicted to
each other, and we know that if they
disappear, they’re busy humping each
other.
Me: Where’s Nyami?
Nomvuyo: She’s sleeping.
I nod.
Zimkitha: Anyway, we thought it would
be a lovely idea to welcome you here...
Liwa: This group is known for doing some
unconventional things, so this move is
quite normal
to us.
Dean: I’m more of a logical person, so my
suggestion is that as of tomorrow, you sit
and have a
conversation about how you plan to live.
Set clear rules.
Gabi: Gosh, Dean you are too much!
Dean looks at Gabi disapprovingly, but
Gabi couldn’t give a shit.
Gabi: Everything will work out. You’ll
figure out how to function properly.
Nolwazi: But it won’t always be perfect. I
think I agree with Langelihle.
Dean: You think? Woman, you are
supposed to agree with me regardless.
Nolwazi: Ha.ha. Cute. Very cute.
Derek: Can you all stop flooding us with
unsolicited advice? Are we children?
Achuu! Tell ’em Nkanyi!
Liwa: Haike. Sour much?
Malusi: Dramatic much?
Joe: Bold much?
Dean: Unnecessary much?
Nomvuyo: Aniphaphi much?
They all laugh.
Me: Thank you for your kind words, but
Derek and I will figure it out.
Nomvuyo: Tell them!
Nolwazi: We apologise. We are quite
opinionated.
Zimkitha: Quite.
Derek: The party is over now.
Liwa: Wow! Snaax much?
Malusi: Disrespectful much?
Joe: Rude much?
Dean: Unnecessary much?
Derek: It’s time to leave, much?
Liwa: You want to have sex, much?
Malusi: You want a private party, much?
Joe: It’s about to go down, much?
Dean: Tear up the roof, much?
At this point we’re all just watching these
men go on and on...
There’s no stopping them!
Zimkitha: Okay, stop!
They stop and laugh like little boys.
Nomvuyo: Gosh, let me get Nyami.
Liwa: Okay, baby.
Nomvuyo: Because I’m annoyed, much.
Liwa: Yoh.
Nomvuyo walks away.
Nolwazi looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: Ready to go, much? Because I’m
also annoyed, much.
Dean: Yoh.
Nolwazi then looks at me and smiles.
Nolwazi: See you soon, love.
Me: Shap.
We share a hug.
Nolwazi: Let’s go.
Dean: Tense, much?
Derek: Not getting any sex, much?
Dean: Fuck you, much?
They chuckle and Dean walks to me.
Dean: See you soon, Dlamz.
Me: Hmkay.
We share a hug.
Dean: Bye, people.
We all say bye and they walk out.
Gabi: We should head out as well.
She hugs me and everyone else.
Gabi: I’ll call you, Zi. I’m sure you want to
redecorate this place.
I chuckle and nod.
They say their goodbyes and head out as
well. Malusi leaves with them, cheating
bastard.
Nomvuyo comes back with a sleepy
Nyami.
Nyami: Bye, Aunty Zizi.
Me: Bye, baby.
We share a hug. Nomvuyo winks at me
and I wink back at her.
Liwa: Bye, Ziyanda Dlamini.
Me: Bye, Liwa Mzinyathi.
We share a hug and they also leave.
Zimkitha: I can’t wait to be invited for
lunch... I hear you’re an interesting cook,
Ziyanda?
Me: Really?
She nods and looks at Derek with a grin.
She then looks at me softly.
Zimkitha: I’m happy for you two.
Me: Thank you.
She nods and looks at Derek.
Zimkitha: Bye, baby.
Derek: Bye, Zimi.
She hugs and leaves...
We are finally left alone!
Me: Geesh.
Derek: There’s too many of them.
We both laugh as we begin cleaning up. I
know he’s having a secret anxiety attack
right now.
Once we’re done, we go to the lounge and
throw ourselves on the couch.
Derek: Wanna take a shower together?
I giggle and nod.
I stand and pull him up.
Me: We need to discuss the rent.
He gives me a weird look.
Me: I’m not going to let you pay for
everything.
His about to protest, but I stop him.
Me: I’m not compromising on this.
Derek: My shit is already paid for. What
are you talking about?
I grunt.
Derek: You’ll contribute towards
toiletries or cleaning stuff.
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Derek: I’m not in the mood to have deep
conversations tonight. I want to take a
shower, and
nuzzle my head on your boobs.
He pulls me and we walk to the bedroom,
hand in hand.
So far, so good...
INSERT 80 (Short insert)
It’s been two days...
Derek and I have been locked up and in
bed the whole time. He even switched off
his phone,
because we all know how needy his
friends can be.
Me: So... What are some of the things you
don’t want to compromise on?
Derek looks at me and he can tell I’m
serious. Just like Dean, I also think we
should approach
this move rationally. Yes, it’s cute and all
right now, but we all know that’s not how
it’s going to
be forever. It’s going to be a long process.
Getting to know each other won’t be a
sweet journey.
Derek: Let’s see...
He sighs thoughtfully.
Derek: You know I love clean spaces.
I nod.
Derek: So I would appreciate it if you
could always keep that in mind.
Me: I already know this.
Derek: Secondly, there’s nothing I hate
more than the toothpaste being squeezed
out the wrong
way.
I keep quiet. This man is crazy.
Derek: You must squeeze from the
bottom, until you finish it. The toothpaste
thingie mustn’t be
squished carelessly.
I sigh.
Me: Derek, everything of yours has to do
with your OCDness.
He sighs as well and smiles.
Derek: I’m not that bad, aren’t I?
Me: You are.
He groans.
Me: I’ll try to respect your OCD wishes.
He nods and pulls me for a kiss.
Derek: Keep the space clean, and I’m all
good.
Me: Okay.
Him: And you?
Me: Hmm...
He brushes my thigh and I stop him.
I want to have this conversation, and he
needs to stop distracting me with sex.
Me: I’m not a morning person.
Him: Boy, do I know.
Me: I’m just worried that you’ll be closely
affected by my mood swings.
He pulls me closer and brushes my back.
Him: Don’t worry about me. I’m a big boy.
I smile.
Him: Yes, I agree, we should have a
serious discussion about rules and shit.
He kisses me.
Him: However, I love how spontaneous
our relationship is. I love discovering new
things about
you, even though it means we butt heads
from time to time.
He kisses me again.
Him: Don’t focus too much on all of that...
We’ll deal with things as they happen.
Okay?
Me: Okay.
He smiles and we kiss, but this time, it’s
more intense.
Him: I love you.
Me: Right back at ya, Ngidi.
***
The following day, while I’m in bed, Derek
comes back to the bedroom, all smiles.
Me: And then?
Derek: I’ve just confirmed shit.
Me: Shit?
Him: I thought it would be an excellent
idea to leave Joburg for a few days before
we go back to
work.
Me: Really?
He nods excitedly.
Him: Our flight to Port Elizabeth is later
on at 5pm.
To be honest, I am not against this at all. I
would love some alone time with him.
Derek: Let’s pack up.
Me: Yaaas!
I immediately get out of bed and get
ready!
***
It’s been a hectic afternoon, and evening,
but we’ve finally made it to PE. I may have
delayed the
process, and made us late, and as a result,
annoyed Derek. I think he’s still a bit
annoyed but
uzoba strong. I mean, we made it safely,
right?
As we’re driving to the hotel, I glance at
him.
Me: Still mad?
He looks at me, and I try to pull off a very
innocent and pouty look.
He stares at me for a while, and takes my
hand.
Me: I’m sorry; I wasn’t keeping track of
the time.
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: Am I forgiven?
He nods and I smile.
Me: Yaay!
He squeezes my hand and focuses on the
road.
After a while, we get to the hotel and
check in.
Derek: Dinner out or in?
Me: Out. I could use some fresh air.
He nods and we settle in before
freshening up.
Once we’re done, we head on out to some
place in Somerset. I’ve never been one
who cares
about places. All I am excited about is the
beach, okunye I don’t really care.
We get to a restaurant and we’re led to
our table. We place our orders and the
waiter
disappears.
Me: So tell me, is Malusi’s ex-wife with
someone else now?
Derek: Yes, she has moved on...
Me: Good for her.
Him: Why do you ask?
Me: Nje...
Him: Don’t be too hard on him.
Me: I’d rather not discuss cheating people
right now, if you don’t mind.
Him: Well... You did bring it up.
I hiss.
Me: Are you ready for work next week?
He shakes his head.
Him: I could use an extra week.
Me: Me too.
His bottle of wine comes and I swear my
whole body craves it. He sees this and
asks for
another glass.
Me: Don’t tempt me.
Him: It’s just this once.
I grunt as the waiter gives me the glass
and Derek pours some for me.
Derek: So, are you ready for work?
Me: I miss the kids.
He nods and smiles.
I take a sip of wine and sigh happily.
Derek: I need to start making this starting
a school thing a real thing.
Me: I’m excited for you.
Him: You’re going to be with me, right?
Me: I guess...
He smiles widely.
Him: I’ll only involve you once everything
has been finalised.
Me: So are we going back to pretending
like we don’t fuck each other?
He laughs and nods.
Me: I’m better at it than you.
Him: I seem to want you more, when I
know I can’t have you.
Me: Don’t know how I feel about that.
He laughs and I smile. I love seeing this
one happy.
As I take another sip of the wine, I literally
feel like my whole body is getting
rearranged.
Me: Argh I knew I shouldn’t have drank
this shit. I need water.
I ask for a glass of water from the waiter
and he disappears once again.
Just then, Derek’s face changes, and I ask
him what’s wrong. He’s not even looking
at me.
Me: Ngidi?
His jaw tightens.
Kanti?
Suddenly, someone clears their throat,
and I turn and see a woman standing
there. I look at her
in confusion.
She takes two steps and is now looking
down at us.
Woman: Derek?
I stare at this woman. She’s tall, toned,
and gorgeous.
I then look over at Derek and he has a
straight face.
Woman: Oh my goodness...
Derek: Hi, Busi.
What’s going on?
What’s happening?
Busi: How are you?
Derek: I’m well.
Busi then looks at me for a few seconds.
Busi: Sorry for being rude... Hi.
Me: Hi.
She then looks at Derek again.
There’s something about the way she
looks at him that makes me
uncomfortable. I genuinely
feel like I’m invading their space, like I’m
the intruder. Njani, guys?
Busi: Uhm... It was great seeing you.
Goodbye.
Derek nods tightly and Busi walks away.
The tension?
Universe, what in the world is going on
right now?
Suddenly, Petty LaBelle awakens from her
very deep sleep...
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: What?
He tries speaking, but stops himself.
Me: I need the bathroom.
I stand, walk away, and make my way to
the bathroom. I feel like calling someone
right now,
and venting. Like, what the hell just
happened? Those two obviously have
some history.
I finish up after a while and find Derek on
the phone. As soon as he sees me, he ends
the call
and looks at me coolly. I sit down and
gulp down my water.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Why wouldn’t I be?
He keeps quiet and drinks his wine. He
must just focus on his wine, and leave me
alone.
Our food finally arrives and I delve in. My
whole system is not even agreeing with
this food. I’m
so angry. I don’t even know why... Well, I
do know, but I can’t explain it.
The way these two looked at each other?
The vibe?
I am shooketh.
It’s been 10 minutes now.
Kushubile la, because no one is saying
anything. Kuthe tuu.
My phone suddenly rings, and it’s Dean. I
frown as I answer.
Me: Hello?
Dean: Dlamz!
Me: What?
Dean: Yoh. And then?
Me: How may I help you?
Dean: I was checking if you arrived safely.
No need to eat me up.
Me: We did. Is that all?
He grunts.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and stare at him.
Derek: Are you done having your
episode?
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You seem to be having a dramatic
episode...
At this point, Petty’s jaw on the floor.
Me: Listen here, don’t you dare try to turn
this shit around. Had it been my ex
coming here, and
looking at me like I’m the only thing in the
world, you would be ready to fight. Don’t
come for
me.
Him: You should be the last person to talk
about exes popping out...
Me: Excuse me?
Him: You’re not stupid. Don’t start acting
like you are.
Me: Are you hearing yourself?
He keeps quiet.
Me: Fuck you, Derek.
I stand and walk away. I find my way
outside and stand by the entrance of the
restaurant.
What the hell just happened??
I swear I feel like screaming my lungs out.
Surely I’m losing my mind?
After a while, my Uber arrives and I get in.
The drive to the hotel is quick. As soon as
I get there,
I go straight to our room and take a quick
shower to regain my rationality.
INSERT 81
It’s been two hours. Where the fuck is
Derek?
I get some junk food via room service, and
stuff my face. I’m now certain that he’s
with Busi the
Bitch.
I dial Niki’s number and she answers.
Niki: Hey, friend.
Me: Shoot me, now!
Niki: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m being tested.
Niki: Yini?
Me: Derek’s ex pitched out of nowhere.
Niki: What??
I tell her what happened and she gasps.
Niki: They had a deep eye moment?
Me: Deep as fuck!
Niki: Yoh.
Me: It’s been 2 hours and his shady ass is
not back!
Niki: Okay... Calm down, friend.
Me: I knew this shit was too good to be
true.
Niki: Woaah woah woah! Stop jumping
into conclusions!
Just then, the door opens, and in walks
Derek. I end the call.
He walks to me and sits opposite me.
Derek: Ready to talk?
Me: Mxm.
Him: Okay.
He stands and walks away.
Nxa he must go and leave me alone.
Once I’m done eating, I switch on the TV
and browse through the channels.
My phone rings again, and it’s Niki. I
ignore it, because I’m really not in the
mood right now.
I stand and walk to the bedroom. I find
him changing into his pjs.
Me: So she’s the woman who broke your
fragile heart?
Him: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Him: What you won’t do, is come here and
be disrespectful. If you need to go and
cool off
before you address me, then do so.
Me: Don’t speak to me like that!
What the fuck is wrong with him?
He looks at me calmly.
Him: You’re being unnecessary.
Me: If you want to piss me off, you’ve
succeeded.
He stares at me for a long time, and I stare
right back at him. At this point, all I see is
red.
Him: What exactly is the problem here?
Me: You!
Him: What did I do?
Me: You had a moment with your ex.
Him: Ziyanda.
Me: And don’t you dare tell me about my
ex. Mdu is my ex, but I don’t go around
looking at him
like I have residual feelings for him.
He keeps quiet.
Me: You know very well that that
situation is completely different.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: But, you see that Busi? I don’t have
such moments with my exes.
He sighs lightly.
Me: So don’t use Mdu’s situation to try to
justify this shit.
Him: What am I justifying?
I keep quiet.
Him: For fuck’s sake... I was just as
surprised to see her.
Me: Maybe had I known about your past,
I’d understand you better. Right now, all I
know is that
you saw your ex, and I witnessed the deep
moment between you two. And don’t you
dare make
it seem like I’m crazy or dramatic. The
reason you’re okay with Mdu is because
you know I’m
over him. You wouldn’t be up and down
with me if that were not the case.
He keeps quiet.
Me: So don’t stand there and make it seem
like I’m imagining things.
He scratches his head.
Me: Tell me I’m imagining things and I
will gladly apologize.
We stare at each other.
Me: Tell me...
I am secretly wishing he does. I honestly
don’t think I have it in me to handle
knowing that
Derek loves someone else as well. I don’t
have it in me.
He sighs.
Him: You’re imagining things.
Me: Okay.
I walk back to the lounge and continue
eating my food. I want to burst out in
tears, but I try not
to.
If it didn’t hit me before, well, it’s
definitely hitting me now. Derek has a
history, and I know
nothing about it. All I know is that he
went through the most. But what exactly?
I don’t know.
He knows everything about me.
I don’t know anything other than the fact
that he was adopted.
I doze off, feeling very uncomfortable...
***
The following morning, I am in bed. I
don’t even know or remember how I got
there.
I have a terrible headache, and my
stomach is doing the most. I clearly had
too much junk food
last night. I walk to the bathroom to brush
my teeth and try to gather myself. Derek
is still in
bed.
I walk to the lounge, and sit there.
I’m not angry anymore. Instead, I’m over
everything. I just want to go back to Jozi,
and forget
about this shit. I hate PE.
I switch on the TV and watch it
absentmindedly.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I see him walk towards me, and sit next to
me.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Hello.
He watches me as I watch TV. Eventually,
he takes the remote and switches it off.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes, Derek.
I look at him and he scratches his head.
Him: Can we talk?
I shrug.
Him: You don’t want to?
Me: What difference will it make? It’s not
like I know anything about you.
He looks at me intently.
Me: So what’s the point? Let’s just go
home.
Him: You want to go home?
I nod.
Him: Okay.
He stands and walks away. I switch on the
TV and continue watching it
absentmindedly.
***
Uhm so our “baecation” is over.
Was it even a baecation?
We’re legit heading to the airport.
***
We’re now driving to his apartment.
Thankfully, the vibe isn’t awkward. It’s
weird, but not
awkward.
Once we’re there, it hits me that I now live
with this person.
I can’t even run away from this situation,
damnit.
Me: I need some air...
He looks at me, and nods lightly. It’s quite
clear that he is not fine. Heck, I’m also not
fine, but I
need some space from him.
I’m finding it quite annoying that he
doesn’t want to open up to me. He expects
me to be an
open book, but he fails to do the same. Of
course I’m going to freak out when I see
his ex. Had I
known who she was and her back story,
maybe I’d be a bit better. Manje what am I
supposed to
do? I only have my conclusions to work
with phela...
I get my bag and walk out. I find my Uber
waiting for me, and it takes me straight to
Mike’s
Kitchen. I walk to the outside area, and
find Melinda, my psychiatrist, sitting
there. We share a
hug and sit.
Melinda: How are you?
Me: I’m not fine.
She looks at me gently.
Me: I feel like my emotions are all over
the place, and I’m being controlled by
them.
Her: Please elaborate...
I begin to tell her everything that
happened in the last 24 hours.
She sighs.
Her: Why do you think you’re this
affected?
Me: I’m jealous.
She nods slowly.
Me: I’m jealous that other people seem to
know him, and I don’t know much about
him.
Her: And that’s understandable.
Me: And I’m also angry. I feel like he has
double standards: he expects me to be
open, yet he’s
not. That’s not fair.
She nods.
Me: When I saw the way they looked at
each other, I genuinely felt like I was
missing out on
something big.
Her: And what does he have to say about
this?
I keep quiet and she looks at me
expectantly.
I take a deep breath.
Me: He hasn’t said anything.
Her: Did you give him a chance?
I shake my head.
Her: Why?
Me: I lost it.
She nods slowly.
Me: I was too angry.
Her: Still having a difficult time
controlling your emotions?
I nod shamefully and she looks at me
softly.
Her: It’s a process; it has its ups and
downs.
Me: I don’t want to lose him.
Her: Then initiate a civil conversation.
I keep quiet.
Her: Instead of wilding out, ask him to
hear you out. Voice out every single thing
you’re feeling,
and see how he takes it.
I sigh.
Her: You live together now, Ziyanda...
Communication is your only tool. I also
have a bunch of
other tools that I know will help you out...
Me: Okay...
We continue chatting, and I am beyond
thankful, that I walk out feeling 10 times
better...
Melinda is my life saver.
***
As I walk in the apartment, I find Derek
cooking. He glances at me briefly before
continuing...
I decide to give him some space, because I
know the kitchen is his safe space...
After about 10 minutes, I can’t deal... I
walk back to the kitchen and wrap my
arms around him
as he’s busy on the stove.
His body tenses up, but eventually
relaxes.
Me: Can we talk?
Derek: Give me a few minutes.
Me: Okay.
I let go of him and go to the lounge.
It’s time for this one to tell me about his
past. I’m tired of this ongoing puzzle.
Also, I’m going to introduce these tools
that Melinda introduced to me...
INSERT 82
We’re now sitting next to each other on
the couch.
Me: Before we start, I would like to
apologize about how I handled this
situation.
He looks at me, and I honestly just want
to hold him. I’ve never seen him like this.
Me: I apologize for snapping, and running
off.
He nods.
Me: With that said, I spoke to Melinda...
His expression changes and he seems
shocked and nervous.
Derek: Ziyanda-
Me: No, I’m not leaving you.
He looks at me pleadingly.
Me: I’m not breaking up with you, Derek.
He processes this and I see his expression
go softer.
Me: I realize that I struggle with
controlling my emotions, especially if they
come at me too
strong. I get overwhelmed and I fail to
think rationally.
I keep quiet and he doesn’t say anything.
Me: You obviously share a connection
with that woman...
He tries to say something, but stops
himself...
Me: Melinda told me about a certain
toolbox, which consists of 12 human
capacities that reside
in all of us. It supports mostly young
children, but she suggests I tell you about
it, and we can
start incorporating the tools in
developing our relationship.
I can see that he is not on the same page
as me.
Me: These tools will help us understand
and manage our emotional and social
success, both
individually, and as a couple.
He looks at me intently.
I take my bag and dig for a paper that
Melinda gave me...
Me: The toolbox consists of the: Breathing
Tool; Quiet/Safe Space Tool; Listening
Tool;
Empathy Tool; Personal Space Tool; Using
Our Words Tool; Garbage Can Tool;
Taking Time
Tool; Please and Thank You Tool; Apology
and Forgiveness Tool; Patience Tool; and
lastly
Courage Tool.
He seems intrigued.
Me: Apparently it’s usually used in the
classroom context, but it can also be
applied elsewhere.
Melinda thinks it will have a good impact
on our relationship.
Derek: What does each tool mean?
Me: The Breathing Tool states that I calm
myself and check-in... Melinda explained
that this tool
should be used whenever we feel like
we’re losing control of our emotions. We
simply stop
everything, and focus on getting our
breathing right.
He nods.
Me: That’s basically what I try to do when
I have an anxiety attack.
He nods.
Me: So you basically put one hand on your
heart and the other on your tummy, and
then you
take deep breaths until you feel stable
again.
He nods.
Me: Okay... The second one is the
Quiet/Safe Space Tool. It says I remember
my quiet/safe
place.
I look at him.
Me: I know that your quiet/safe place is
the kitchen. You seem calm whenever
you’re there.
He smiles lightly.
Him: What’s your quiet/safe space?
Me: I don’t know.
Him: You need to find one.
I nod.
Me: So this is basically a place one goes to
whenever they feel overwhelmed or some
type of
way. This space is a safe space, and if we
know each other’s safe spaces, it is
important to
respect them.
He nods.
Me: Next, we have the Empathy Tool- I
care for others and I care for myself.
Him: You’re the most empathetic person I
know.
I smile.
Him: Very admirable.
Me: Thank you.
I sigh.
Me: So this tool promotes the awareness
of the people around you, and what they
are going
through. One has to constantly care for
themselves as much as he/she cares for
others.
Relationships grow when everyone
practices empathy.
He nods.
Me: The Personal Space Tool states that I
have the right to my space and so do you.
I think this
one is self-explanatory.
He chuckles.
Me: I think we’ve been practicing this one.
Him: But too much personal space can
create some form of gap that won’t be
easily bridged.
Me: I hear you.
Him: So there has to be a limit.
Me: Okay.
Him: Next tool?
Me Using Our Words Tool- I use the right
words, in the right ways.
We stare at each other for a while.
Me: We’re quite bad at this.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I say a lot of things when I’m
emotional... I don’t use my words
properly...
He sighs.
Me: And you don’t use your words at all...
You don’t open up to me.
Him: But I always tell you how I feel.
Me: You tell me how you feel about me.
Me, only. I don’t know how you feel about
other things.
You’re not open.
He scratches his head.
Me: I want to know what’s going through
your mind, Derek.
He tries to say something, but stops
himself.
Me: How are we going to grow if the
communication is one-sided?
To think, when we started this
relationship, I was the one with emotional
and communication
issues. He made me think he’s all good,
kanti he’s not.
Him: What’s the next tool?
Me: Taking Time Tool- I take time in, and
time away.
He nods.
Me: It also involves using our time wisely.
Him: Okay.
Me: I know I need to work on this,
because my time management sucks.
He chuckles and I smile.
I want to hold him, but I stop myself.
Me: Next, we have the Please and Thank
You Tool- I treat others with kindness and
appreciation.
He nods.
Me: Next, there’s the Apology and
Forgiveness Tool- I admit my mistakes
and work to forgive
yours.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Like you always say, whenever you
hurt me, it’s never intentional... That also
applies to me.
I will never hurt you on purpose.
Him: Good.
Me: Hence this tool... We recognize that
we will make mistakes along the way, but
it is
important to apologise and forgive
wholeheartedly.
He reaches for me and pulls me closer.
Him: I love you so much.
Me: I know...
We stare at each other for a while...
Me: The next tool is the Patience Tool... It
states that I am strong enough to wait...
His eyes drop.
Me: I will use this tool for you, Derek. I
will be strong enough to wait...
He finally looks at me.
Me: I’ll be patient, just like you are patient
with me.
He plants a kiss on my lips and I relax.
Him: And the last tool?
Me: Courage Tool- I have the courage to
do the right thing...
He smiles.
Me: And I think you use this tool all the
time by taking a chance on love, despite
the hurt you’ve
experienced.
His eyes drop once again.
Me: I don’t know what has left you so
bruised, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m
not going to
leave you.
I find myself in his arms as he holds me
tight and hides his face.
Me: Nkanyezi?
He doesn’t respond, instead, I he breathes
heavily.
We’re in that holding position for a long
time... I think he’s crying.
My heart is in pieces at this point.
***
He fell asleep holding on to me...
I’m just out here trying to figure out how
to approach this situation. I really don’t
want to
overwhelm him, because I understand
that we all have different coping
mechanisms.
I manage to break free from him and walk
away. I go to the bedroom and sit there
for a long
time, not thinking about anything in
particular.
I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.
I take my phone and find myself going to
Zimkitha’s number. It rings for a while,
but she doesn’t
answer.
I sigh and go to Dean’s number. He
eventually answers.
Dean: Dlamini?
Me: Hi.
Dean: What’s wrong?
Me: I don’t know how to help him.
Dean: Trust me, you are.
Me: What should I do?
Dean: Don’t leave him.
I keep quiet.
Dean: You’re both good for each other.
Me: I feel helpless.
Dean: Don’t... He’ll let you in...
I sigh.
Dean: Are you back this side?
Me: Yes.
He chuckles.
Dean: That has to be the shortest vacation
ever.
I grunt and he laughs lightly.
Dean: Be patient.
Me: Okay.
Dean: Bye, Dlamz.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and sigh heavily.
INSERT 83
After telling him about the tools, I decided
not to push him too hard. I know very
well how it
feels to be with someone you love, and
struggle to be vulnerable with them. Heck,
I’ve always
been the closed off one in my
relationships, so I completely understand.
My relationship with
Derek is opening up so many learning
opportunities for me…
We finish up eating, and I can see that he
is not fine, but he is pretending to be.
Me: You do know that you don’t have to
pretend with me, right?
He looks at me.
Me: Even if we don’t talk about what’s
bothering you, I’d appreciate it if you
don’t pretend to be
fine.
He pulls me closer till half of my body is
on him.
Me: I’m here.
Derek: I know.
I nod and plant a kiss on his lips and he
smiles.
Me: Want to take a walk?
Him: Let’s clean up first.
I nod and stand. I then pull him up and we
begin cleaning up the space.
***
We’re now taking a walk around the quiet
area. Thank God, there aren’t any dusty
kids running
around the street, as in Soweto…
Me: My dad still wants to know about
Uber.
We both laugh.
I’ve been trying my best to make him
lighten up a bit. As much as I hate seeing
him so down, I
think it’s good for our relationship. I want
to see him in his low moments as well.
Derek: I can’t believe you were willing to
carry on with this Uber lie.
Me: I have too much respect for my
parents. I don’t know man; it’s just feels
strange to be this
open with them.
Him: There’s nothing worse than having
to play hide and seek, because you’re
scared of your
parents.
I sigh.
Me: I guess…
Him: And look at how understanding they
are… They trust you.
Me: Because I’m a good girl.
Him: Are you?
Me: Excuse me? You know very well that
I’m good.
He wraps his arm round my shoulders,
and I place mine on his waist as we walk
peacefully.
Him: Of course, you’re good.
Me: Good.
He chuckles and I pinch him.
Me: Have you travelled out of the
country?
Him: Duuh.
Me: Geesh, excuse me!
He chuckles.
Him: I’m assuming you haven’t?
Me: Duuh!
He laughs and I roll my eyes.
Him: Where would you like to go?
Me: I don’t know… I think everyone starts
with America or London, right?
He nods.
Him: Start with the basics.
Me: But I’m not into travelling.
Him: Why am I not surprised?
I chuckle.
Him: You don’t like new things.
Me: Change is a big deal for me. I’m fine in
my comfort zone.
Him: That’s a bad thing. You need to allow
yourself to experiment.
I sigh and he chuckles.
Me: Argh leave me alone.
He kisses my cheek and we walk in
silence for a while, no awkwardness
though.
Him: Ziyanda.
Me: Nkanyezi.
I don’t look at him, instead I look ahead.
Him: I’m not a talker.
I gasp in shock.
Me: You’re not a talker? What? You? I had
no idea!
He laughs.
Him: Fuck you.
I squeeze him and smile.
Him: I’m worse than you.
Me: Mmm.
I look at him and he avoids my eyes.
We’re quiet for a while.
Him: I see you’re testing me…
Me: Not necessarily testing you… More
like trying to get you to see that you can
trust me.
He sighs and nods.
Him: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
We continue walking and talking about
random things…
***
The following day, we were in bed the
whole day. I honestly wanted him all to
myself. I can’t
help but feel more drawn to him when his
like this.
That evening, we get a call from Nomvuyo
inviting us to dinner.
Nomvuyo: I miss you, Zizi. I need to see
you.
I groan.
Nomvuyo: You’re with Nkanyezi 24/7.
Surely you can spare a couple of hours
and spend it with
us?
I sigh.
Derek: Okay, we’ll come.
Nomvuyo: Haike I wasn’t asking your
permission wena D.
Derek: Ohho.
Nomvuyo: So you’re coming?
Me: I guess so. The man of the house has
spoken.
Nomvuyo: Weeh!
I end the call and look at Derek.
Me: We don’t have to go. I’m perfectly fine
here.
Derek: No, man. We could use some fresh
air. But, let’s do this first…
He pulls me closer and we share a kiss. I
get on top and he chuckles.
Me: Gladly!
***
As we’re driving to Nomvuyo and Liwa’s
place, I get a call from Mdu. It
immediately goes on
speaker. I glance at Derek and he seems
expressionless.
Me: Hey.
Mdu: Hey, Zi, how are you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Mdu: I’m good…
Me: What’s up?
Mdu: I wanted to thank you. Things have
been a bit easier since you were involved
in this
situation.
I relax. I’m beyond glad that I could assist.
Mdu: Tholi is much better, and she can’t
stop raving about you.
Me: Aww how is she?
Mdu: We’re taking it slowly. She’s also
getting used to her meds.
Me: That’s great!
Mdu: Ya, and thank Derek for me. I know
we’ve put him in an uncomfortable
position.
I glance at Derek and he looks at me. He’s
expression is more soft.
Me: I’ll let him know.
Mdu: Thanks.
Me: Alright then. Say hi to Tholi.
Mdu: Cool. Bye.
Me: Shap.
I hang up and sigh. I decide not to say
anything.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: Hmm?
Him: I’m sorry.
Me: For what?
Him: For making you feel like I was using
the Mdu situation to justify the shit that
took place in
PE.
Me: Aww.
He chuckles.
Me: I don’t have any feelings for Mdu, at
all.
Him: I know.
Me: So there’s no reason for you to even
feel some type of way. Whenever I end a
relationship, I
always prepare myself mentally just to
ensure that I don’t go running back, or
hold on to the
person in the hopes that one day I’ll be
with them.
Him: That’s not easy.
Me: But I value myself more. I don’t see
why I should waste my time and energy
holding on to
someone who doesn’t care about me.
He keeps quiet.
Me: This mind-set didn’t come easy, but it
came after a lot of introspection.
He nods…
After a while, we finally get to Nomvuyo
and Liwa’s place. As we make our way in,
we hear
Nyami singing happily. I smile when I see
her; I guess she’s having a solo karaoke
night.
She runs to me as soon as she spots me.
Me: Hey, you!
Nyami: Auntie ZIzi!
We share a hug and then she hugs Derek
as well.
Derek: How are you, Nyamz?
Nyami: I’m well, thank you!
She then runs off and carries on singing.
Just then, Nomvuyo appears and I smile.
Gosh, will I ever get over this woman’s
beauty?
Nomvuyo: Hey, hey!
We share hug and then she hugs Derek as
well.
Me: You’ve been missed!
Nomvuyo: Angithi you are too busy
locking yourselves up in your dungeon.
Me: Oh, please!
Nomvuyo: The food is almost ready. You
can go to the patio, where Liwa and Dean
are.
Me: Dean is here?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: He needed a break from
Nolwazi’s parents.
Me: Kanti when are they planning on
getting their own place?
Nomvuyo: You’re asking the wrong
person. I don’t get involved in other
people’s business.
Derek laughs as he walks away.
Me: Okay, Gossip Girl.
Nomvuyo: Would you like something to
drink?
Me: I feel like having some orange juice.
Hook me up, boo.
We walk to the kitchen.
Me: So, when exactly are you planning on
telling your family about this pregnancy?
Nomvuyo: Awume, man, Ziyanda. I need
some time.
I nod understandingly.
Me: Well, everyone is going to be excited.
Nomvuyo: And that’s what I’m not ready
to handle. I don’t want people running
after me.
Me: Negative much?
Nomvuyo: You need to understand that
when I was pregnant with Nyami, it was
just Liwa,
Princess and I. I didn’t get attention. Now,
I know that everyone is going to make it a
big deal,
especially Zimkitha.
Me: Hmm... I just think you’re being
unnecessary. This is another chance to do
things
differently.
She gives me my glass of juice, and rolls
her eyes.
Nomvuyo: Leave me alone.
Me: Hmkay.
She checks her pots, and the space is
suddenly smells like Dean. I turn around,
and sure
enough, his here.
Me: Hey.
Dean: Hello, Dlamz.
Nomvuyo: You two are really strange.
Me: How so?
Nomvuyo: You hated each other’s guts,
but now we’re inseparable.
Dean chuckles.
Dean: I thought you were a dumb gold
digger.
Me: Hey! Offensive much?
He shrugs.
Me: And I thought you were an arrogant
piece of shit.
Dean: Which I am...
Me: Argh.
Dean: Let’s go outside, I want to have a
word with you.
Me: Hmkay.
I follow him out and Nomvuyo rolls her
eyes. We walk to the other side of the
yard, and he turns
to look at me.
Dean: Unjani?
Me: Okay, I guess...
He nods and doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’m just worried about him.
Dean: He’ll open up to you.
Me: Why is he like this?
Dean: Well, there are numerous reasons,
but I feel like it would be good for you, if
he shares
them with you himself. I don’t want to be
that invasive.
I nod.
Me: I hear you.
Dean: But what I will say is that Derek has
always felt like he doesn’t belong, and I
think it stems
from not knowing his real parents. The
adoption affected him badly, but he
managed to
suppress those feelings.
Me: Don’t you think finding his parents
will help?
He shrugs.
Dean: He doesn’t want to meet them;
that’s if they’re even alive.
I sigh heavily.
Dean: And a lot of shit has happened in
his life...
Me: Do you think seeing someone will
help?
Dean: I think you’re the perfect person to
suggest that. He seems to value your
opinion.
Me: Maybe he’ll be open to discussing his
issues openly with me, after he speaks to
a
professional who’ll help him make sense
of everything...
Dean nods.
Me: I’ll talk to him.
Dean: Just be patient. I’m sure this
experience, as fucked up as it is, will
solidify your
relationship.
I sigh.
Me: Okay.
He opens his arms and I look at him
weirdly.
Dean: Don’t leave me hanging. I hate
giving hugs, but I’m making an exception
here.
Me: Argh.
I step closer and we share a hug.
Dean: Let’s go in... I’m starving.
We walk in and find Liwa, Derek and
Nomvuyo there.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
We share a hug.
Nomvuyo: You two act like 5 year olds.
Liwa: Whatever, Negative Nancy.
We sit and Nomvuyo serves us.
Me: You are such a perfect makoti, yazi.
Nomvuyo: Hmm.
Liwa: I know how to pick ‘em.
Nomvuyo: I can’t wait to divorce you, and
take all your money.
Liwa: Unganya.
We all laugh and start eating.
I glance at Derek, and it is clear that he is
feeling much better. I appreciate that his
friends
make him feel like this.
Liwa: Uhm so are we going to discuss the
many elephants in the room, or should we
discuss
them later?
Nomvuyo: Let’s get it over and done with.
Me: What’s going on?
They all stare at me.
I look at Derek, and he has a mischievous
smile.
Liwa: So it has come to our attention that
you are the Iyanla of South Africa.
Me: Excuse me?
I look at them in confusion.
Liwa: You are Mdu’s go-to person,
apparently.
Me: Uhm... What’s happening?
I look at Derek and he sips his wine.
Liwa: But, not only are you involved in
that situation, you’re also linking up with
someone who is
not particularly liked by this family.
Me: Who?
Liwa: What’s the name of your best
friend’s new man?
Me: Uhm...
I continue looking at them in confusion.
Me: What’s that to you?
Liwa: You are really clueless, aren’t you?
I don’t say anything.
Nomvuyo: Can I be the one who breaks it
to her? Please?
Liwa chuckles and nods.
Dean: Your friend is dating Nolwazi’s ex-
husband, Ziyanda. She’s basically dating a
spineless
polygamist.
Woaah.
Everything stops moving.
I blink a couple of times.
Nomvuyo: Dean, really??
I hear them going back on forth, but I
zone them out.
What the hell??
INSERT 84
Me: What the fuck are you people talking
about?!
I swear I’m about to have a heart attack.
Nomvuyo: Here’s a glass of water, love.
I dismiss her and look at Dean, who is
sitting next to me.
Me: Dean?!
Dean: What?
Me: What the hell are you saying to me??
He looks at coolly.
Dean: Your best friend is dating Nolwazi’s
ex-husband.
Oh my goodness.
I touch my chest, and try to control my
breathing. Now it makes sense! It all
makes sense! I
remember how Kwanele told me about
his ex wife and the wife who disappeared.
Nolwazi?
Tholi?
Yoh nkos’ yami.
Liwa: Wow, you are so slow.
Nomvuyo: How unexpected.
Liwa and Nomvuyo chuckle and I look at
Derek, who is smiling lightly.
Me: You knew??
He nods.
Me: Really, Derek??
Derek: What?
Me: Don’t say nywhat!
He looks at me coolly.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me??
Derek: Because I didn’t want to burst
your bubble in front of Niki, and have you
act weird. It is
evident that she genuinely likes him. I
didn’t want to ruin the date.
Dean: For fuck’s sake. You’re really slow.
Me: Fuck you!
Nomvuyo: Hey! Stop swearing! My
daughter is in the next room!
I huff and stare at all of them.
Me: Do you understand where this puts
me?
Dean: Enlighten us.
I grunt.
Me: I’ve grown close to Tholi!
Liwa: That in itself is another issue. Tholi
is responsible for the downfall of
Nolwazi’s marriage.
I don’t say anything. I’m overwhelmed.
I’m in shit.
I’m deep, deep in shit.
Liwa: You don’t think things through, do
you?
Me: How the hell was I supposed to know
that this circle has so many intersections?
They keep quiet and look at me.
Me: For fuck’s sake! Do you understand
how peaceful my life was before I met you
people??
Nomvuyo: Haike don’t come for us. No
one forced you to be Mother Theresa.
Me: So I’m being crucified for being kind-
hearted?
Dean: This is not an episode of Days of
our Lives- cut the melodrama.
Derek: Hey, now.
Dean: She’s grown, and I’d like to think-
Derek: Nobody really cares about what
you think, just in case you weren’t aware.
Dean raises an eyebrow and Derek looks
at him expressionlessly.
Derek: Like I stated, when I broke the
news to you, I don’t want anyone to make
Ziyanda feel bad
for caring about other people- a trait you
obviously don’t possess.
Dean chuckles quietly and shakes his
head.
And then it hits me. Was Dean trying to
come for me? Anganginyeli!
Derek: Baby, I felt the need to tell them,
because I’m protecting you.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: I don’t want these people to
misinterpret your actions, and think
you’re being shady.
I want to be mad at him right now, but
he’s making it very difficult. I mean, he
basically put Dean
in his place for me.
Nomvuyo: But, we know you’re not being
shady. You’re just a sweet, young and
naive girl.
Me: Don’t patronise me.
Nomvuyo raises an eyebrow.
Me: Do you people understand that now
I’m going to be torn between my best
friend and this
side?
Liwa: No one is asking you to choose
sides.
I sigh.
Derek: I’d like to think that we’re mature
enough to understand that the world is
not that huge,
and we’ll bump into people we don’t
necessarily desire to see from time to
time.
Liwa: The only awkward thing about this
is that you’re involved in Tholi and Mdu’s
situation.
Nomvuyo: We don’t want you to be
caught up in the middle of this specific
situation. The
Kwanele thing is awkward, but
manageable. Kodwa this one with Mdu
has the potential to
damage relationships.
I sigh.
I think Derek notices that I’m on the verge
of a breakdown, because he stands and
pulls me up.
He then takes my hand and leads me
outside. We get to the veranda, and he
wraps his arms
around me.
Me: Don’t.
He lets go of me and apologizes. He knows
that he’s not supposed to hold me when
I’m
experiencing an intense wave of
emotions, because I feel suffocated. He
steps back, and I
focus on my breathing. What freaks me
out more than anything is the fact that I’m
in the middle
of this bullshit. I unintentionally put
myself in the middle of this bullshit.
After a few minutes, I feel better.
Derek: Better?
I nod.
Derek: Can I?
I nod, and he steps closer to me and
wraps his arms around me.
Me: I have a lot going on in my mind right
now.
Derek: Talk to me.
Me: Firstly, what the fuck??
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I get that you were trying to protect
me, but geesh, couldn’t you at least give
me a heads
up?
He shakes his head.
Him: I know you, Ziyanda. You were going
to act all weird and dramatic during that
date.
Me: But, still... You should have told me!
Him: I’m sorry, baby.
I sigh.
Me: Secondly, Nolwazi is obviously going
to hate me because: 1, I am out here
having double
dates with his ex; and 2, I’m out here
being Tholi and Mdu’s life coach!
He tries to stifle a laugh, but fails. I end up
joining him. Honestly, what am I
supposed to do at
this point?
Me: I’m screwed.
Him: Life coach?
He continues laughing and I sigh heavily.
Him: Whatever happens, I’ve got your
back. I don’t think Nolwazi will hate you
though. She’s
quite understanding, and I think she’ll be
open to listen to everyone.
Me: Then Mdu needs to open up ASAP!
Him: Keep pestering him. I think he
listens to you as his life coach.
Me: Fuck off, Derek!
He laughs and kisses me.
Me: And now I’m worried about Niki.
What if Kwanele hasn’t changed? There is
no way I’m
going to allow my friend to date a man
who’s done all these hurtful things!
Him: So what are you going to do?
Me: Angazi... I’ll think about my next
move.
He nods.
Him: At least we’re not meeting up with
them in secret now. I hate secrets,
Ziyanda.
Me: Argh.
He smiles.
Me: And as for Dean?
Him: He was pissed at first, but I put him
in his place. He needs to stop thinking
everything is
about him.
Me: Ouch.
Him: Tough love.
Me: Thank you.
Him: I did say I’m prepared to fight your
battles, right?
Swoons!
Him: I’ve come to accept that you’re an
irrational Mother Theresa. It’s about time
everyone
accepts it as well.
He smiles and we walk back inside the
house.
I feel 100 times better now.
We sit and continue eating.
Dean: Dlamini.
Me: Leave me alone, loser.
Dean chuckles.
Me: So here’s what’s going to happen...
I look at all of them.
Me: I am going call Mdu and I will set up a
meeting with his sister.
All of them look at me in shock.
Me: I’m tired of this bullshit. I’m already
involved, so I’m going to end this.
Derek: Uhm, babyMe:
No, guys, angithi you all find it easy to
involve me in your business?
They stare at me in shock.
Me: Mdu will tell his sister whether he
likes it or not. I’m tired of carrying all
these secrets.
They don’t say anything.
There is an awkward silence for a tleast a
full minute.
Nomvuyo: So, I’m pregnant.
Liwa: WHAT?!
Oh, Lord.
Universe, is it too late to go back to PE?
INSERT 85
Liwa: WHAT?!
Nomvuyo looks at him and rolls his eyes.
All these men are just looking at
Nomvuyo in shock.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda said she’s releasing
people secrets, so I don’t want to be part
of that.
Liwa stands, and within seconds, he is
lifting Nomvuyo high up in the air.
Oh gosh. Dis tew much.
Liwa: You’re pregnant?!
Nomvuyo: Liwa, put me down!
Liwa squeezes her and exclaims.
Nomvuyo: Liwa!
Liwa: I’m going to be a father again?!
Dean: Can’t we just have a peaceful
dinner?
After a while, Liwa finally calms down and
puts Vuvu down. They sit, and he has the
biggest
smile on his face.
Liwa: I’m going to be a father again,
motherfuckers.
Me: Woaah! Ease up on the vulgarity.
There’s a child in this house!
Derek: You knew about this?
Me: Of course. Angithi people seem to
think I’m their secret guru.
Dean: Ziyanda Theresa.
I look at him disapprovingly, and he
laughs.
Me: Gosh it’s been a hectic evening.
I feel Derek’s hand on mine, and I look at
him. I just want to be in his arms right
now.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
He kisses my cheek and I smile.
Dean: Well, this is my cue to leave.
Nomvuyo: Don’t you dare. I made dessert
from scratch.
Dean: Then dish the fuck up. I miss my
woman and kids.
Me: How are the megabytes?
Dean: Megabytes? Respect my kids.
I laugh and he grunts.
Me: I’m still mad at you for addressing me
like a bitch in the streets.
Dean: Nawe you must stop being so slow.
You’re a teacher for fuck’s sake.
Me: Dean!
He and I begin going back and forth, while
the others ignore us and continue with
their
conversation. Eventually, Dean
apologizes.
Me: Good. Don’t come for me.
Liwa: You two are weird.
I glance at Derek and catch him smiling.
Me: Everything okay?
He nods and kisses me again.
It’s safe to say the rest of the dinner went
by smoothly, with great conversation...
***
It’s now two days before schools open,
and boy am I glad. I miss my kids, and I
miss distracting
myself with work!
Earlier that day, I called Nolwazi, and she
had agreed to meet up with me. Mdu, on
the other
hand, also agreed to meet up with me.
Little do they both know that I’m setting
them up.
I am tired.
I am tired of being in the middle of this.
The truth needs to come out ASAP!
When I get to the restaurant, I find Mdu
waiting for me. We go to our table and sit.
Mdu: And then?
Me: What?
Him: What’s with the meeting?
Me: You’ll see...
The waiter gets our drinks and
disappears.
Me: I don’t like this position that I’ve been
put in.
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: I know you might end up hating me
after this, but I think it’s all for the best.
Him: What the fuck are you talking about?
Just then, Nolwazi approaches our table.
My heart?
I am close to shitting my pants, I tell you.
He sees Nolwazi, and then he looks at me
intensely.
I’ve never been one to be intimidated
easily, but that look he gave me? I almost
crawled under
the table.
Before he can say anything, Nolwazi
finally reaches our table, and exclaims.
Nolwazi: Duzi??
Mdu looks up at her, and fails to even
smile. He seems angry.
What the hell have I done?? Universe, I
know I’m irrational! I have learnt from
this experience!
Nolwazi: I haven’t seen you in such a long
time, brother!
I want to stand and run, but my body is on
some, “Naah fam!”
They share a hug and she sits.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zizi.
Me: Hey, Lwazi.
Oh gosh. This is a bad idea! A very bad
idea! I think back to Derek telling me that
I shouldn’t go
through with it this morning, and me
dismissing him.
Nolwazi: What’s up? I had no idea that
you’d invite my little big brother.
I laugh awkwardly as I glance at Mdu,
who is looking at me with so much anger,
nkos’ yami.
Me: Uhm... So...
Nolwazi looks at me weirdly.
I’m good with hiding how I feel, but right
now, I’m struggling. I’m sure it’s very
clear that
something is bothering me.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda?
I look at her nervously.
I am not going to look at Mdu, because his
looks seem to have the power to make me
feel like a
naughty 5 years old that’s in trouble.
I finally take a deep breath.
Me: Okay, I’ll just start by saying-
Mdu: Ziyanda.
I stop talking and fidget with my hands.
I am really invasive aren’t I?
Damnit.
Nolwazi: What’s going on here?
Mdu looks at Nolwazi, and his face
softens.
They stare at each other for a long time in
silence. Somehow, this staring contest has
calmed
me down.
Nolwazi: Talk to me.
She’s also very calm.
Mdu takes a deep breath and scratches
his head.
Mdu: Please don’t hate me.
Nolwazi looks at him in shock.
Mdu: Whatever you do, just don’t hate
me... I need you more than ever right
now...
He rubs his eyes.
Is he crying?
Nolwazi is definitely crying.
Nolwazi: What’s wrong?
Mdu: I can’t afford to lose you...
Nolwazi: Mdu, you’re scaring me.
My heart has stopped beating at this
point. I’m also on the verge of tears.
Nolwazi reaches out to him and takes his
hands.
Nolwazi: Mdu?
Mdu sighs and closes his eyes.
There’s silence for a while.
Mdu takes a deep breath, and exhales
loudly.
Mdu: I’m in love with someone...
Nolwazi keeps quiet.
Mdu then opens his eyes and looks at her
softly.
Mdu: At first, it was for revenge, but
things changed.
Nolwazi: Revenge?
Mdu: Yes.
Nolwazi: Revenge?
Mdu nods.
Mdu: I wanted to get back at Kwanele.
There’s silence.
I’m scared of breathing, because it would
disrupt the silence.
Nolwazi: I... I’m not following...
Mdu: I’ve fallen in love with Tholakele,
and she has given birth to my twins.
Wooaah.
I want to stand and run, but my body is
not budging.
Nolwazi removes her hands from Mdu’s
and looks at him intensely.
Nolwazi: What?
Mdu: I’m in love with Tholi.
She stares at him for a long time. Tears
have filled her face.
Before we know it, she stands, gets her
bag, and walks out of the restaurant.
I finally exhale, and look at Mdu. He’s
rubbing his eyes.
I don’t know how I feel right now; I can’t
seem to describe it.
I want to leave, but I can’t.
Me: Mdu.
He doesn’t say anything; instead, he
stands and walks away as well...
The truth is finally out.
As fucked up as this is, a huge part of me
is glad.
At least we can start finding a way
forward.
Yes, “we.”
It’s quite clear that I’m in this shit,
whether I like it or not...
INSERT 86 (Short Insert)
Derek is now with me.
He came as soon as I called him,
panicking.
Me: What if she hates me??
Derek: You’re overreacting.
Me: Derek!
He sighs and keeps quiet.
Me: I’ve messed up! This is a mess!
I think my actions are only sinking in
now. What the hell have I done?!
Me: Why in the world did I involve myself
in this?
He looks at me, with a smile.
Me: Don’t you dare tell me that you told
me so!
Him: I’m not. I’d never!
I sigh heavily
Me: What have I done?
He stands and pulls me up.
Him: Come here.
I stand and he wraps his arms around me
and kisses my forehead.
Him: You need some love right now, let’s
go.
I groan and he kisses me again.
***
We’re now at Milky Lane, and we’re
having milkshakes.
I feel a bit calmer.
Derek: How are you feeling now?
Me: I feel a bit better.
I take his milkshake and taste it.
Him: We’re going back to work in 2 days.
Me: I know.
I groan.
Me: But I’m glad, I need the distraction.
Him: Definitely.
Just then, his phone rings, and he shows
me that it’s Dean. He answers it coolly.
Derek: Hello?... Ya, I’m with her... Okay,
hold on...
He hands me the phone and I put it on my
ear.
Me: Hello?
Dean: Now, why the fuck would you do
this shit?
Me: Dean, I already feel like shit! Don’t
make me feel worse!
Dean: Do you understand that I’m the one
who has to deal with an angry Nolwazi?
Me: She’s angry??
Dean: I’ve never seen her like this.
My heart starts racing.
Dean: She’s pissed.
Me: Fuck, did she mention that she hates
me?
He chuckles.
Dean: You’re really lucky that I have a soft
spot for you.
I groan.
Dean: I’ll continue putting in a good word
for you.
I sigh heavily.
Me: Yoh...
Dean: I’ll fill you in on the progress.
I sigh.
Dean: I don’t like dealing with such shit.
Me: Bye!
I hang up and finish Derek’s milkshake.
Me: I need another one ASAP.
Derek: Already ordered one for you.
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s Niki.
Me: Gosh.
I answer.
Me: Hey, friend.
Niki: Heyyy boo!
I smile sadly.
Me: Unjani?
Niki: I’m okay. How’s it going there with
Sexy Beast?
Me: So far so good.
Niki: That’s great, friend. I need to see you
though! We have so much to catch up on!
Me: Really?
Niki: Yeboo!
Me: Hehe, I wonder.
I clear my throat.
Me: How’s Kwani?
Even saying his name feels weird now.
I just... Woo I don’t know...
Niki: He’s good. That’s why I need some
Zizi. He and I have been inseparable.
Me: Hmm. When do you want to meet?
Niki: Dinner tonight?
Me: Uhm sure.
Niki: Are you okay?
Me: Ya, friend. I’ll call you a bit later to
confirm location.
Niki: Shap shap. Then we’ll talk about
what’s bothering you.
I groan and she laughs.
Niki: Bitch, don’t nobody know you like I
do!
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Niki: Bye bye ke.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and sigh.
Me: She wants to meet.
Derek: How about you invite her over at
our- yes, our- place?
I giggle.
Him: I’ll cook a lovely meal for you two,
and you can have your bonding session. I
have a lot of
preparing to do for work.
I sigh heavily and nod.
Me: Okay.
Him: Ziyanda, stop this.
He looks at me seriously.
Him: You’re being too hard on yourself for
absolutely nothing.
I don’t say anything.
He seems too serious right now, and I’m
going through the most.
Him: First of all, if people didn’t want
their secrets exposed, then they should
have kept them to
themselves.
I keep quiet.
Him: I’m not going to have you feel guilty
for shit that doesn’t even concern you.
He looks at me.
Him: If Mdu or Nolwazi have a problem
with you, then I’ll deal with them
personally. No one
should use you as a scapegoat. Fuck that
shit.
This man? This man is mine. Nxa, damnit!
Him: Secondly, don’t even entertain the
guilt with the Kwanele situation. Were
you supposed to
play God, and stop Niki and Kwanele from
meeting?
He hisses.
Him: No one should even try coming at
you with crap.
I take a sip of the milkshake and look at
him.
Me: Wowzer. Is it an appropriate time to
tell you that I’m turned on?
His face softens up and he smiles.
Him: I thought so...
Me: Thank you, Nkanyezi.
Him: Let’s take this one day at a time... At
least everything is out in the open now.
I nod.
Him: Don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?
I nod.
Him: Now, finish up, so we can do
something about this turned on-ness of
yours...
I squeal in excitement and he laughs.
***
That evening, Derek went all out, as usual.
Me: How about we produce a book with
all the food you make? I feel like we
should capitalize
on this talent of yours.
He laughs.
Him: Really?
Me: Yes!
Him: We’ll discuss this properly in bed... I
need a proper business plan.
Me: Hmkay.
Him: It will take a lot of persuading.
Me: Our meeting will be in the bedroom?
Hmm, I think I’ll manage.
I spank his ass and he grunts.
Him: Okay, so you know how to dish up
right?
Me: Excuse me?
Him: I’m just asking.
Me: Don’t come for me!
He kisses me and then disappears.
Just then, Niki calls to tell me she’s at the
reception area...
***
Niki: I am loving this!
She looks around the place happily.
Niki: Hunnny!
Me: Gosh.
Her: This is such a cute and cozy home!
Just then, Derek emerges, and she squeals.
Niki: Heeey!
Derek smiles.
Derek: Hey, Nikiwe.
They share a hug and chat for a while.
Derek then excuses himself and goes to
the bedroom.
Niki: Boo, this place is amazing!
Me: I know.
I get us some juice and lead us to the
balcony.
Niki: So, before we even go anywhere...
What the hell is wrong with you? I’d
rather deal with that
first than spend the rest of the night
wondering.
I sigh heavily and pout.
Me: I’m in deep shit.
Niki: Yini manje?
I tell her about the Mdu, Tholi and
Nolwazi situation, and the meeting
earlier.
She rolls her eyes.
Niki: Don’t even try to feel guilty for that
shit!
Me: I can’t help it!
She reprimands me for about 5 minutes.
Thereafter, she stares at me.
Niki: What else is bothering you? Are you
two fighting?
Me: What? Derek and I?
She nods.
Me: No, we’re good...
Niki: So what’s the problem?
I sigh again.
Niki: Ziyanda!
Me: Oh my God! Kwanele is Nolwazi’s ex-
husband and I am friends with Nolwazi
and Tholi is
also my friend because I’m helping her
with her depression and I feel like I have
to choose sides
and I feel bad for even liking Kwanele
because everyone else hates him.
I say that so fast, that I don’t even
remember much.
Niki: Say what now?
I shut my eyes and repeat myself.
After a while, I open one eye, and see Niki
looking at me blankly.
I open both my eyes and take a deep
breath.
Me: I’m so sorry!
Niki: For what?
Me: For this!
Niki: You think I give a shit that you know
Kwanele’s exes?
Yoh.
Haike.
Niki: I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of
that.
Me: Oh.
Her: Ziyanda, you really need to stop
taking things too personally... All this
drama for nothing.
Geesh!
Me: Oh.
Her: Now, please dish up for me, a bitch is
hungry.
Me: Oh.
She walks back in and leaves me there,
gobsmacked.
INSERT 87
Niki and I had a lovely evening, I must say.
She managed to make me realise that I’ve
been
stressing about nothing. She also
emphasised that she really didn’t care
about this Kwanele
situation, because it didn’t affect her.
I have to admit though, that a huge part of
me has decided that I’ll distance myself a
bit from
Nolwazi ad Mdu. I’m very loyal to Niki,
she comes first compared to all these
other randoms I
just met through Derek.
Anyway, I’m now in bed with Derek, and
he is finishing up his work.
Derek: Good evening?
Me: Absolutely stunning!
He smiles and I watch as he finishes up.
When he’s done, he puts his laptop aside,
and looks at
me.
Derek: How did Niki react?
Me: She’s very chilled about it.
He nods.
Him: She had no reason to be pissed. It’s
not like you befriended Nolwazi
knowingly. You met
these people through me.
Me: So I guess you’re to blame?
Him: Heyi, ungalinge!
I giggle and get closer to him.
Me: Now, let’s discuss the recipe book
business plan thingy.
He raises an eyebrow and I look at him
innocently.
Me: So I was thinking, we release a book
with all your amazing recipes.
Him: Is it?
I nod.
Him: Elaborate.
Me: I just feel like we need more South
African based recipe books, you know?
Food that is
easily relatable, you know?
Him: Hmm.
Me: So what do you say?
Him: I’m not quite sure.
Me: Hmm.
I get even closer and plant a kiss on his
lips.
From that point, we’re just going back and
forth, playfully.
I love my Nkanyi, guys, struu.
***
The following morning, I wake up a bit
late. I thought I’d make breakfast for
Nkanyi, but I guess
last night’s festivities left me exhausted.
As I make the bed, I see an envelope with
my name on it. I immediately stop what
I’m doing, and
take it. It’s Derek’s handwriting.
Me: Derek?!
I walk out of the bedroom, and around the
place, but he’s nowhere to be found.
I walk back to the bedroom, and sit on the
bed. I reach for my phone and see a
message from
him.
Derek: At the gym, baby. It’s been a while
since I’ve been here. Clearly I’ve been
spending too
much time with you. Please don’t bother
making breakfast, I’d like to prepare one
of my great
recipes... *wink*
I chuckle and put my phone away.
I’m more interested in this envelope over
here. What could it be? Why didn’t he
mention it in his
message?
I decide to put it down and continue
making the bed. Once I’m done, my
curiosity gets the best
of me. I sit and open it.
I’m shocked to see a long piece of writing.
I began reading...
Dear Ziyanda,
We’ve already established that I’m
probably the worst communicator in this
relationship. I
thought I’d be able to hide this fact about
me, but clearly I was wrong, because you
are quite
the inquisitive little girl.
Anyway, I wanted to formally apologise
for what took place in PE. I’ve been
cracking my skull,
trying to figure out how to begin to
articulate my thoughts... I know you were
deeply affected,
but because you’re Ziyanda, you’ve put all
of that aside just to sustain peace
between us. I
must admit that I’ve never come across
such a selfless person... I love you (please
note that I
am going to randomly write how much I
love you, because I’m that crazy about
you).
The woman you saw in PE was definitely
an ex of mine.
Unfortunately, she wasn’t just any ex...
I know you’re probably freaking out, and
hyperventilating, so I would like you to
take a few deep
breaths before you have an unnecessary
attack.
*I fold the letter and do as I am told.*
So now that you’re calmer, I assume, I
would like to give you a bit of context...
Busisiwe and I
used to be in a relationship about 2 years
ago. She and I had quite a close
relationship, I loved
her.
*My heart is doing the most right now,
but I can’t seem to stop reading. I want to
know about
this bitch, Busi.*
I loved her so much that I even asked her
to marry me.
*Woooah! I put the letter down... Why the
fuck is he telling me this?... Anyway, after
a few
minutes, I start reading again...*
I asked her to marry me, and she actually
agreed... I was genuinely happy about our
relationship. What’s even greater was
that she was pregnant.
*Haike. Fuck this shit. I put the letter
down again, and go to the bathroom to
pee. Once I’m
done, I try calling his shady ass, but he
doesn’t answer. Damn him! Nxa I go back
to reading this
nonsense.*
Now, you have to understand that this
person was the love of my life. We had
been together for
just over 3 years, and I was convinced
that she was the one. When she told me
that she was
pregnant, my whole world changed. I felt
like I had a purpose. She’s the one who
even
encouraged me to change my career... We
had a good thing going, and everything
felt right...
But, obviously I was wrong...
To summarise, I found out that she was in
another relationship and I wasn’t the
father of the
baby... I was basically her backup plan. I
was her crutch, simply because the man
she loved was
married to another woman, and she was
seeing him on the side. She thought she’d
build a life
with me, but couldn’t keep it up, because
she never actually loved me. She loved
someone
else... All of this was revealed when we
were busy with Lobola negotiations. She
brought this
man there and they professed their love
for each other in front of both my family
and hers...
*At this point, I’m dumfounded.*
I was devastated, Ziyanda. I really thought
that I would spend the rest of my life with
this
woman. She was “it” for me. She had
promised me this amazing life, but it all
came crashing
down. Heck, it didn’t even exist. I’ve never
dealt with my anger and hurt towards
her. She sold
me a dream, and it cost me my heart. I
bought that dream, only to find out later
on that I was
being played. I felt humiliated, hurt, and
angry.
Seeing her that evening, reignited all the
emotions I managed to suppress. She
reminded me of
how stupid I was.
So when you saw my reaction, I know you
assumed I was all love struck, but it’s the
complete
opposite. If you weren’t there, I would
have probably hurt her, I swear. I just fail
to believe that
she did that to me. She knew everything
about me, and what I had been through
prior to our
relationship, so I couldn’t understand
why she would play me like that.
We fast forward to the day I met you... As
cliché as it is, I was genuinely intrigued by
you...
When I got to know you, my heart opened
itself up involuntarily. It decided
independently that it
would welcome you, and give you a fair
chance. My mind was against it, but we
know that the
heart controls a lot of shit we do...
I love you so much, and I’m proud of my
love for you. I’m proud of my heart. I don’t
know where I
get the capability to love so deeply even
after the shit I’ve been through. I don’t
even bother
questioning this capability. All I know is
that I love you, and my love for you grows
every time
you cross my mind, or when I see you get
lost in your crazy thoughts, or when I
watch you sleep
and snore next to me...
I apologise for how the PE incident came
across... I want nothing to do with
Busisiwe. She
basically used and abused me, and I think
I also value myself enough to know when
to
eliminate myself from a toxic situation.
I’m just still angered and saddened by the
situation.
Seeing her after such a long time just
threw me off, that’s all. I don’t want to run
off with her, as
you thought.
Who in the world would leave The Great
Ziyanda of the Dlamini? A stupid
motherfucker.
Anyway, I’d love to discuss this with you
more when I come back. I know for a fact
that you
have a lot of questions and “shady”
comments (I do pay attention to your
“ratchet” shows and
I’m picking up the “trashy” lingo). I just
thought it was a great idea to write this
letter, so you
can get my side of the story (without
interrupting me).
This letter will be the basis of our next
conversation, I guess.
I love you, baby.
See you soonest,
Your Star.
I put the letter down and go to the
bathroom to pee some more.
I’m a bit flabbergasted right now.
INSERT 88
I’m done showering, and as I’m getting
dressed, Derek walks in.
I swear I have to catch my breath for a
second.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Hi.
He looks so good!
Me: So I made you stop going to gym?
Him: That’s questionable.
I roll my eyes and he steps closer to me
and wraps his arms around me.
Me: Well, now I definitely feel fat.
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: Maybe I should join you.
Him: You are more than welcome to.
Me: You want me to be thin?
Him: Uh-uh, see, I won’t allow you to trap
me and put me in a do or die position like
you women
always do...
Me: I’m just asking pertinent questions
here, buddy.
Him: Ya, but I’m not going to fall for it.
I laugh and he joins me.
Me: Please shower quickly... I’m starving.
He kisses me and I groan. Now I’m
suddenly hungry for him.
Him: Please shower with me?
Me: Hai hai.
Him: Baby, please...
He kisses me, and I eventually give in...
***
We’re now clean (well I’m cleaner,
considering how I showered twice) and
I’m waiting for him to
finish preparing breakfast.
My phone rings, and I answer without
checking my caller id.
Me: Hello?
Person: Hi, Ziyanda.
I frown as I check the caller id.
Didn’t I block this person?
I put the phone back on my ear and sigh.
Me: Hello, Bongani.
Bongani: How are you?
Me: I’m well.
He sighs.
Bongani: All this time I thought you
blocked me.
Me: Ufunani?
Bongani: I wanted to hear your voice.
Me: Okay, so now that you’ve heard it, is it
possible for you to continue thinking I’ve
blocked
you?
Bongani: Ouch.
Me: I’m in a very happy relationship, and I
don’t need this negativity.
Bongani: I hear you.
Me: Bye.
Bongani: Bye.
I hang up and instantly block that damn
number. What the hell was that about?
Yazi it seems
like these exes can always sense when
you’re living your best life. They’ll come
weaselling their
slimy asses back, and try to cause havoc.
If you don’t deal with them accordingly,
you’ll find
yourself in messy situations. The Devil
has been said to come in different forms,
so you better
start preaching in tongues when he tries
coming at you!
Derek eventually finishes and gives me
my food.
Me: Thank you, sir.
He smiles.
Me: Methinks you’re the best cook in the
whole wide world!
Him: You don’t say...
Me: Yep.
Him: Thank you, baby.
Me: So, I thought we’d discuss your letter,
while eating.
He laughs.
Me: Cause you know I prioritise food first,
so I think I’ll be calm and rational.
Him: Smart girl...
I sigh.
Me: And I don’t want us to be all sad and
shit. I’d like us to have a casual
conversation.
He nods and smiles.
Me: Okay... So I have the tools here with
me, and I think we can start incorporating
them.
Him: Okay.
Me: So, because we’re about to have a
discussion, both of us are about to use the
“Using Your
Words” tool.
Him: Okay.
Me: And we’re going to use the
“Listening” tool, which states that I listen
with my eyes, ears and
heart.
He nods.
Me: Okay... I think I’ll also use my
“Breathing” tool when I start freaking out.
He laughs and nods. I eat some of my
food, and then sigh.
Me: Can I start?
Him: Go ahead; I’m using my Listening
Tool.
Me: Okay... I’ve read your letter, and I’m
actually thankful that you expressed
yourself in that
way. I know I have a tendency to freak out
and not listen attentively.
He nods as he chews slowly.
Me: Now with that said, I would like to
express what I went through while
reading it.
Him: Go ahead, love.
I smile. He really is loveable.
Me: So, at first I was angry, because I
couldn’t believe that you were telling me
about your ex.
He chuckles.
Him: So you were angry that I was telling
you about something you wanted to know
about?
Me: Pretty much.
Him: Kodwa Ziyanda.
Me: Yeah, yeah. I know... Anyway, after a
while, I was deeply saddened by what this
bitch did to
you.
Him: Bitch?
Me: Backhanded, Bacterioidal, Basic,
Bitch.
He chuckles.
Him: Lovely use of alliteration, Ms
Dlamini.
Me: I can’t believe she put you through all
of that.
Him: You are not alone.
Me: When was the last time you saw or
spoke to her?
He sighs and looks at me thoughtfully.
Him: Probably over a year ago.
I nod.
Me: And did you cut ties with her
immediately after what happened?
He shakes his head.
Him: I was indenial. I thought we’d still
make it work.
Yoh.
Him: Dean and Liwa had to bring me back
to reality. I was really indenial.
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: Seeing her that night took me back
to that emotional place I was in.
I nod.
Him: I was very invested in that
relationship. I was never ready for that
shit.
Me: I guess we live and we learn.
He nods.
Him: So, how are you feeling now?
Me: I’m okay... I just feel bad for you.
Him: You don’t have to.
We finish up eating and sit back.
Him: So is this what talking feels like?
I laugh and nod.
Me: As long as we don’t make it a tedious
task, then we should be fine. See how
constructive
we’ve been this morning?
Him: Definitely.
I get closer to his face and plant a kiss on
his lips.
Me: I love you.
Him: I know.
Me: You do?
He nods.
Him: I don’t feel insecure when I’m with
you. I know you love me.
Me: And I’m not planning on leaving you
for my side man.
Him: You have a side man?
Me: A lady never tells...
He laughs and groans.
Him: See, for you, I’d kill... So, please don’t
test me.
Me: Oh wow.
We continue making out on the couch...
Overall, I’m glad that he has taken the
next step. What I will do is continue being
patient, and
not bombard him with deep chats. I don’t
want him to feel like I’m putting him
under too much
pressure.
***
So it’s around 11am and I am in the mood
to cook. I looked up tons of recipes, and
ended up
narrowing it down to pasta and mince.
Simple, right? I’m not a chef, like Derek,
but I’d like to
meet him halfway.
Me: So, I’m cooking lunch.
He raises an eyebrow and smiles weirdly.
Derek: Ahh is it?
Me: Yes.
Him: Uhm, baby, I’m more than willing to-
Me: Derek, no. I also want to meet you
halfway.
Him: But, I’m not complaining.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I’m inviting Dean and the Mzinyathis.
He raises an eyebrow again.
Him: Is it?
Me: Yep. I’m in a very good mood.
Him: Uhm so can I help?
Me: No.
Him: I insist.
Me: I don’t give a shit.
Him: Yoh.
I look at him and smile.
Me: You can finish up your work or
something. Stay away!
He sighs and nods.
I understand that he likes spoiling me, but
he needs to chill. I don’t understand why
he is acting
so weird.
I get my phone and dial Nomvuyo’s
number.
It rings for a while, and she eventually
answers.
Nomvuyo: Hey, baby!
Me: Hey, Vuvz, unjani?
Nomvuyo: I’m great, love. Just being
treated like an egg by Liwa.
Me: Aww, mommy!
Nomvuyo: It’s your entire fault. Angithi
you’re on a mission to expose people’s
secrets.
Me: Gosh, I’ll tell you how that meeting
went... Kunzima!
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: They’ll get over it eventually.
Me: Anyway, Derek and I would like to
invite you two for lunch.
Nomvuyo: Thank God. I’m not in the
mood to cook!
Me: Yaay! See you soon?
Nomvuyo: Shap, love.
Me: Bye.
Nomvuyo: Bye.
I hang up and look at Derek victoriously.
Me: At least other people are excited.
Derek: Oh, baby. I’m very excited, believe
me.
He smiles reassuringly and I giggle.
Derek: Let me give you your space.
He walks away as I dial Dean’s number.
I’m not expecting him to come, because
Nolwazi is
probably gowishing, but I’ll try...
He answers.
Dean: Dlamini.
Me: Hey, Langa. Unjani?
Dean: I’m alright, and you?
Me: I’m well, thanks.
Dean: Is everything okay?
Me: Yes, actually. How are things that
side?
Dean: Nolwazi is MIA.
Me: What??
Also, why is he so cool about it?
Me: Where is she?
Dean: Probably went to her best friend’s
place.
Me: Oh. How are you?
Dean: I can’t be running after Nolwazi
when we have kids to take care of. She’ll
come back once
she has dealt with all her anger.
Me: Yoh.
Dean: Insensitive, I know. But it works for
us.
Me: Hmm.
Dean: So what’s up?
Me: Uhm I wanted to invite you for lunch.
Dean: Cool. See you soonest.
Me: Dean, are you sure you’re okay?
Dean: Ya. Bye.
Me: Bye.
He hangs up and I sigh. He is definitely
not fine. I’ll interrogate him properly
when I see him.
***
After 3 hours, I think I’m finally done...
I’m actually exhausted.
Derek emerges and is shocked when he
sees the mess in the kitchen.
Derek: Baby-
Me: I’ll clean!
Him: Still don’t need any help?
Me: No.
He nods, gets a bottle of water, and
disappears again.
I look around in defeat.
I should have told him I need help with
cleaning.
Argh, anyway, I begin cleaning, and finish
after a while.
Derek then emerges again, and smiles.
Derek: Our guests are here.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Me: Okay.
Him: Still okay?
Me: Yes.
Him: Okay.
Thankfully, everything is on track...
Within minutes, Liwa, Nomvuyo and Dean
walk in.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
I smile.
Me: Hey, Liwa Mzinyathi!
We share a hug. Boy, do these men smell
good.
Nomvuyo: Hey, love. I’d like some hot
chocolate, please.
Me: Find it.
Nomvuyo: Hawu, what happened to
hospitality?
Me: You’re not a guest here.
She laughs as she makes herself some hot
chocolate.
Me: Hey, Dean.
Dean: Ya Dlamini.
Me: No hug?
He grunts as he opens his arms and I hug
him.
Me: What’s wrong?
Dean: I desperately need my own space.
I’m tired of living with the Dumakudes.
Me: Yoh, manje what is Lwazi saying?
Dean: Now is not the time to bring up my
shit. I have to wait for this Mdu thing to
blow over.
Me: Is she that bad?
He groans.
Dean: She feels like people always expect
her to react to shit maturely, and dismiss
the hurt
they cause her.
He pats my shoulder.
Dean: I’d rather not talk about it.
Me: Okay.
Liwa: Derek, can you dish up? We’re
famished.
Me: No, I’m the one who’s dishing up. I
cooked.
Liwa: Oh...
Nomvuyo: You cooked?
Dean: You?
Me: Yep.
I smile proudly.
Liwa: Uhm... Okay then, Dlamini...
They make their way to the lounge and I
go to the kitchen.
Once I’m done dishing up for them, I give
them their plates.
I sit and look at them expectantly.
Nomvuyo: Love, I’m actually craving a
peanut butter and jam sandwich. My
doctor says I
shouldn’t eat too much pasta. Had I
known you were making it, I would have
told you earlier.
Me: Whatever, Pregnant Petunia.
I take her plate back to the kitchen and
then sit and look at them.
Derek: Baby, aren’t you eating?
Me: I’ll eat later...
He nods and looks at Liwa and Dean.
Liwa: Uhm, should we pray?
Nomvuyo chuckles.
We all close our eyes and Liwa clears his
throat.
Liwa: Uhm, God... We ask you, from the
depths of our hearts, to please bless this
food, and the
hands that prepared it. Protect and bless
the people who will eat it as all. Amen.
We all murmur, “Amen.”
I look at them and smile.
Me: Dig in!
Derek is the first one. Dean and Liwa look
at him closely as he chews with a smile on
his face.
Liwa then follows... He also has a smile on
his face.
I feel good. I was very nervous about
them not liking it, because they do have
strong opinions.
Dean then follows. I can’t read his face.
I’m sure he’s too stressed about his
Nolwazi issues.
He chews.
Dean: This shit is-
Derek: Amazing!
Derek looks at Dean.
Derek: This shit is amazing.
Liwa: Hmm.
Dean: Hmm indeed...
I watch as they eat slowly. I’m glad they’re
taking their time.
Nomvuyo: Well, lookie here... We have
another great cook in the family...
They all laugh quietly and I smile...
INSERT 89
The following day, I decide to go visit my
parents. I need some TLC from them, and
to catch up
with Lwazi as well.
As soon as I get there, Lwazi is all over
me.
Lwazi: Mommy!
Me: Hey, baby!
We walk in, hand in hand.
Me: How are you?
Lwazi: I’m amazing!
Me: Have you been treating these old
people well?
Mom: Don’t you dare!
We laugh and share a hug.
Me: Hey, ma.
Mom: Unjani, sisi?
Me: Ngiyaphila. How’s everything this
side?
Mom: Lwazi is obviously running the
house.
I laugh as Lwazi runs off to play with her
friends.
Me: Has she settled in kahle?
Mom nods and smiles.
Mom: And how are you? You look
gorgeous.
Me: Really?
She nods.
Mom: Clearly you are well taken care of.
Me: Hmm.
She chuckles.
Me: Where’s dad?
Mom: He went to stock chickens, so I’m
sure you won’t see him.
Me: I’ll come back next weekend.
She nods.
Mom: How’s Ngidi?
Me: I need a debrief session vele.
She laughs and we sit.
I then begin to tell her everything that has
happened so far...
Once I’m done, she nods.
Mom: See, I did mention that he is not
fine.
Me: You can spot them from a mile away.
We laugh.
Mom: Continue being you, sthandwa sami.
I think things are going the way they’re
supposed to
go. Be as supportive as you can.
Me: Of course.
She smiles.
Mom: I’m so proud of you. Who would
have thought that my little baby would
grow up to be this
mature woman with so much love and
patience?
Me: Aww!
Mom: I’m happy for you. I know a lot of
parents would never allow this
arrangement, but I trust
you with my life. I also can’t make
decisions for a 25 year old. Umdala manje
sthandwa sami.
Me: Thank you. I appreciate your support.
We share a hug.
Mom: So, would you like to eat, noma you
are just popping by?
Me: Of course I’d like to eat. Derek also
asked for a takeaway.
We both laugh as she stands and walks to
the kitchen. I go out and call Lwazi. I need
some of
her craziness right now.
***
Argh, seeing as I popped by the good ol’
township (cause you know, I now live on
the other side
of the world, with Caucasians) I insisted
on meeting up with Niki.
We decided to meet at Bafokeng for some
braai meat.
As I get there, I’m shocked to find her
with Kwanele.
Universe, I thought we were getting along.
You just couldn’t wait a full 48 hours to
let me get my
shit together? Hai man. It’s time I find
another parallel universe that will have
my back.
I get to the table, and Niki exclaims, with
her usual bubbly self.
Me: Hey, Kwani.
Kwanele smiles and my heart does a little
dance. He really does have a lovely smile.
Kwanele: Ziyanda.
He stands and we share a hug.
Me: You smell nice.
Kwanele: I thank you.
We sit and I assess him. How could people
hate this person? I don’t get it, man. He’s
so calm
and collected... But then again, these calm
ones are the dangerous type...
Me: How are you?
Kwanele: I’m well... Are you well?
Me: I mean, I’m okay.
He chuckles and looks at Niki, who looks
at me.
Niki: I told him about your new squad.
My heart stops beating for a few seconds.
Me: What?
Niki: I told him about your dilemma.
I look at Kwanele nervously and he
chuckles again.
Kwanele: It must be an awkward position
for you.
I sigh in relief. He seems chilled.
Me: You have no idea.
Niki: As long as people don’t come for me,
and what’s mine, then I’m good.
I look at Niki, and end up laughing,
because I know she means that. Niki is the
type to throw
hands, and make one’s life a living hell if
they come for her.
Me: I doubt anyone will come for you.
Kwanele: How about we stop discussing
all of this from now onwards?
Niki and I look at him.
Kwanele: I think its best we all move on.
Niki: You’re right, baby. There’s nothing
desirable about discussing exes.
They smile at each other, and I smile,
because they look so happy, smiling at
each other.
Kwanele then looks at me intently.
Kwanele: Is Derek well?
Me: Yes, he is. Thanks for asking.
He nods.
Overall, the vibe is chilled and our
conversation is flowing. I don’t feel
awkward at all!
Just then, Niki’s phone rings and she
walks away as she answers.
I then look at Kwanele and sigh.
Me: I like you. Please don’t hurt my friend.
He shakes his head and looks at me softly.
Kwanele: I won’t.
I nod.
Niki: Look who’s here?!
I turn and see Jeff and Luyanda.
Oh Lord... Why is the airhead here? Yazi, I
can tolerate a lot of things in this thing
called life, but
airheads? I caiint. Luyanda is one of those
pretty girls with no substance. Also, she is
a cold
bitch.
Already nje she’s standing here looking
constipated.
Me: Jeffy!
I stand and squeeze Jeff.
Jeff: Hey, Zizi Bear.
Me: I didn’t know you were coming.
Jeff: Niki invited me last minute.
I look at Luyanda and try my best not to
roll my eyes. I just... Gosh...
Me: Hello, Lu.
She mumbles a silent hi.
Futsek kanti! Swine!
I sit and decide that I will ignore her
constipated ass.
Kwanele and Jeff greet each other and
everyone sits. These are those usual
wooden benches.
Niki and Kwanele are sitting next to each
other, and I’m on the opposite side, facing
Kwanele.
Jeff is next to me, so he’s basically
between Luyanda and me.
Jeff: Have you ordered meat?
Me: Yep.
Niki goes and checks for our meat.
Jeff: Mate, have you officially moved this
side?
Kwanele: Yes.
Jeff: Finally.
They both chuckle.
Jeff: Baby, what would you like to drink?
Luyanda: Juice is fine.
Jeff then looks at me.
Jeff: You okay?
Me: Yep. I’m cleansing.
Jeff: Wena na.
Me: Don’t come for me.
He chuckles as he gets up and disappears.
Kwanele: How’s little Uluthando, Lu?
Luyanda smiles.
Luyanda: His good.
Kwanele nods and smiles as well.
Luyanda: He hardly ever cries.
Kwanele: He’s calm like his dad.
They go on and on.
Mxm look at them bonding. How
annoying. She’s all kind now, because
she’s addressing a man,
but let me talk to her, and the bitchiness
goes to 100, with her dumb ass. Thanda
kabi
amadoda.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Derek. I
excuse myself as I walk away from the
music, to the
gate.
Me: Hello?
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hey, Star.
Derek: What’s with the loud music?
Me: I’m with Niki.
Derek: Is she good?
Me: Yep. She came with her man.
He chuckles.
Derek: You haven’t freaked out?
Me: Nope, you’d be proud of me.
Derek: I’ll congratulate you properly
when you come back.
I squeal in excitement.
Me: Oh, and he even asked me about you.
I really think you two-
Derek: Don’t even try.
I groan.
Derek: Enjoy your time with your people.
Me: Nywee!
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I end the call and walk back to the table.
Jeff is back with more juice for us.
Me: Thanks.
Jeff: Cool.
Niki also comes back with our meat, and
we all delve in...
Just then, Niki’s phone rings, and she
walks away, answering it.
Minutes later, she comes back with Ziggy.
I literally choke on my juice when I see
who’s following him.
Why the hell would Ziggy bring Ivy??
Ziggy: Hey, mates!
I look over at Kwanele, and I swear his
expression flipped. I’ve never seen him
this cold.
Ivy: What the fuck is going on here?
She stares at me in shock, and then stares
at Kwanele in disgust.
Ivy: What the fuck are you doing here?
I stand.
I don’t know why, but I stand.
At this point, I’m ready.
I’ve been ready for this shallow bitch.
Luyanda can jump in if she wants.
INSERT 90
Niki: Zizi Bear, let’s get more drinks for
me.
I’m not sure if Niki knows about Ivy,
because if she did, she’d be the first one to
stand and get
to whipping.
She stands, takes my hand, and leads me
to the bar area.
We leave everyone and get to the bar
area.
Niki: And then? Why are you suddenly so
combative?
Me: Ivy is the girl I told you about.
Niki: You tell me about a lot of people
lately.
I sigh.
Me: The one who annoys me. Nolwazi’s
little sister.
She looks at me thoughtfully.
Niki: Nolwazi being Kwanele’s ex?
I nod.
Niki groans.
Niki: Why is she here?
Me: I have no idea.
Niki: And was all that aggression from her
directed at Kwani?
Me: I think so.
Niki: Anganya.
With that said, she walks out and leaves
me there. I decide to take a deep breath
and gather my
thoughts before I also walk back outside.
I’m shocked to see Ivy still there. Niki is
now sitting next to Kwanele.
Ivy: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hi.
I sit and pour myself some juice.
Luyanda: Why don’t you guys sit?
I look at Kwanele and he is as cool as a
cucumber now. Jeff on the other hand, is
just watching
a movie.
Ziggy: Uhm, how are you Zizi Bear?
Me: Good.
I drink some of my juice and look over at
Niki.
Niki: Ziggy, as you can see, there’s no
space in this bench...
Ivy: I don’t do places like this, so I’m
okay...
Niki: As I said, Ziggy, there’s no space... Do
as you please.
She then looks at Kwani and smiles.
Niki: Need another drink?
Kwanele: I do, actually.
Niki: Good. Let’s get you your drinks,
baby.
They both stand.
Me: Get me more juice, please.
Niki: Shap.
They stand and walk away.
Hehe.
Ivy: What’s with that one now? Does she
know she’s dating an idiot?
Jeff: Hey, now.
Me: Contrary to popular belief, Ziggy is
also an idiot, so I don’t think you’re any
different from
that one, who’s my best friend.
Ivy: And you would know, how?
I smile.
Me: How about you ask your idiot?
That stupid grin on her face immediately
disappears and I smile ever so kindly.
Jeff clears his throat.
Ziggy: So, I’m an idiot now?
Jeff: This can’t be news to you, mate.
Luyanda: Definitely.
Ziggy, Jeff and Luyanda all chuckle and I
join them.
Ivy: So you know these people, Ziyanda?
Jeff: We’ve been in each other’s lives for a
while now.
Thank God Jeff has my back right now. I
would disown his ass if he did the
opposite. It’s clear
that he doesn’t really like Ivy.
Ivy: So, you’re busy hanging out with my
sister’s ex, the one who’s fucked up her
life, while
you’re building a friendship with her as
well?
Me: If jumping into senseless conclusions
is going to be the key to getting you to
leave right
now, then you’re more than welcome to
do so.
She takes out her phone and storms off.
Ziggy: Rea-
Jeff: Fuck off. We’ve told you numerous
times to keep your relationship separate
from this shit
we have with Kwanele. Why do you have
to be stupid?
Ziggy scratches his head.
Jeff: You really are an idiot.
Me: A senseless one, at that.
Ziggy sighs as he walks away and
disappears as well.
Jeff: He’s been acting foolishly since he
met this girl.
Luyanda: Ivy is a free spirit.
I decide not to take part in this
conversation, because I feel like freeing
these fists across
Luyanda’s face.
Jeff: She’s disrespectful and spoilt- a very
bad combination.
Luyanda: Don’t go too hard. She helped us
by introducing Nomvuyo.
Jeff: That’s the only good th-
Me: Nomvuyo?
They both look at me and nod.
Me: How do you know her?
Jeff began telling me about how Nomvuyo
was there when Luyanda gave birth and
how
amazing she was.
At this point, I’m too overwhelmed to
even respond. This world is way too
small.
Jeff: So, Derek is related to that crew?
Me: Sorta.
Jeff nods and chuckles.
Jeff: Fucken small world.
Kwanele and Niki come back with more
drinks and sit.
Niki: Did they leave?
Jeff: Yep.
Niki: Good riddance.
Luyanda: So you also dislike Ivy? You
don’t even know her.
Niki: I’ve known you for years, and I don’t
particularly like you, so what’s your
point?
Whoaa!
Jeff: Come on, Niki.
Niki: No, I’m just trying to understand
what she’s saying. If someone comes for
Jeff, will you not
be the first one to defend him?
Luyanda: There’s no reason for you to be
a bitch.
Niki: Then stop talking out your ass.
I sip on my juice.
Jeff: Niki, calm the fuck down.
Niki: I’m calm as hell right now, trust me.
Jeff: I think you guys need to talk this shit
out right now. I’m getting tired of the
unnecessary
bitchiness that ensues when you’re
around each other.
He looks at me.
Me: Heyi, I’m not part of this. Don’t even.
Jeff: I’m serious.
Luyanda tries to stand, but Jeff stops her.
Luyanda: Jeff!
Jeff: Sit down and stop being dramatic.
She looks at him angrily.
Jeff: All three of you are being childish
right now.
Niki: Asingaphaphelani, Jeff.
Jeff sighs and looks at Kwanele in defeat.
Jeff: Help me out here, mate.
Kwanele chuckles.
Kwanele: Why don’t you like each other?
Me: Luyanda thinks she shits rainbows.
Luyanda: Excuse me??
Niki: You walk around thinking you’re
better than everyone.
Luyanda: What? And what about you two
mean girls?
Niki: Don’t even try going that angle,
because you know you started this
nonsense.
Luyanda: Wow.
She looks at Jeff coldly.
Luyanda: I’m leaving.
Jeff: Baby-
She gives him one look, and he sighs.
Jeff: Okay.
He looks at us.
Jeff: We’re not done here.
Niki: Hambani wethu.
Luyanda stands and walks away angrily.
Jeff: See you soon.
Kwanele: You’re in big trouble.
Jeff: Tell me about it...
He stands and pats my shoulder.
Jeff: I’m mad at you.
Me: You’ll be fine.
I smile at him and he eventually smiles.
Jeff: Bye, Nik.
Niki: Love you too.
He grunts and walks away.
Peace at last!
Niki: Such drama.
Me: And whose fault is it?
Niki: Heyi heyi don’t you dare!
Me: Sisi, are you not the one who invited
all these people.
Niki: Argh.
Me: Exactly.
Kwanele: Went from peaceful to deadly
quite randomly.
Me: So Ivy doesn’t get along with you?
He shakes his head.
Kwanele: It’s understandable, seeing as I
hurt her sister...
Niki: But, it’s not like everything was your
entire fault, so I don’t get the melodrama.
Me: Really?
My inner Nomvuyo is now awakening.
Me: Kanti what happened?
Kwanele sighs as he begins telling me
everything.
To say I am shocked would be an
understatement.
Me: So your mom planned the whole
thing?
He nods.
Me: But, why did you allow her to control
you?
Kwanele: I was desperate. She knew how
desperate and she used that. She’s my
mother, so she
obviously knows how to press the right
buttons.
Me: Yoh.
Kwanele: But, I admit that it wasn’t just
her... I messed up by agreeing.
I don’t say anything. I need to process this
side of the story.
Kwanele: The problem with Ivy is that
she’s overly disrespectful.
Niki: Mxm.
Kwanele: She frustrates me a lot, but I
guess she has her sister’s back.
Niki: And I’ll gladly have your back as
well.
They look at each other and start sharing
one of their usual lovey dovey moments.
Me: I’m still here.
They stop and chuckle.
I miss Nkanyezi now.
My phone rings just on time, and boy am I
relieved!
I answer it happily.
Me: Star!
Derek: Your Uber is a few minutes away.
Me: My what, now?
Derek: I miss you.
Me: So, Ivy got here and then NikiDerek:
Save all of that for when you get here.
I laugh.
Me: Hmkay then, see you soon.
Derek: Bye, love.
He ends the call and I walk back to the
two lovebirds.
Me: I’ve got to love and leave you...
Niki: Finally!
Me: Excuse me?
Niki: I didn’t know how I’d get rid of you.
Me: For your information, I came all the
way from my Caucasian suburbs to bless
you township
peasants with my presence.
Niki: Heeee!
We laugh and she stands.
Niki: See you soon, Petty LaBelle.
Me: Bye, Bitchy Bianca.
We continue laughing as we share a hug.
Me: Bye, Kwani.
He stands as well and we share a hug.
Me: Sorry for all the drama.
Kwanele: No problem.
Me: See you soon.
Kwanele: Of course.
Me: Bye, people!
I walk out and find my Uber waiting
outside.
***
As I walk in, I’m greeted by the amazing
smell of Derek’s cooking.
Me: Hello!
I wrap my arms around him and he sniffs
me.
Derek: Stinky.
Me: Excuse me??
Derek: Braai...
Me: Ohho.
He kisses my cheek and I let go of him.
Me: I’ll take a shower, master... Anything
else master would like me to do?
He laughs.
Derek: Uyabheda.
Me: I’ll be back...
I walk away and take a long shower...
Once I’m done, I walk to the lounge and
find him there. We
sit next to each other.
Derek: So what happened?
I begin to tell him everything that
happened...
Once I’m done, he chuckles.
Derek: No offense, but my crew is better
than yours.
Me: Whatever!
Derek: I’m glad you didn’t fight.
Me: I’m a lady.
Derek: Is it?
Me: Yep.
He pulls me closer and we kiss.
Derek: A very dramatic lady.
Me: Mxm.
He kisses me and I smile.
Me: Wanna know where my quiet and
safe space is?
He nods.
Me: Right here, in your arms.
Derek: Don’t make me blush.
I giggle.
Derek: So how about you use the Garbage
Can Tool and let go of what happened
today?
Me: Okay.
Derek: Good.
He kisses me again and I relax even more
in his arms.
Things are getting better with Star, and
I'm beyond grateful.
Universe, I guess you aren't that selfish...
INSERT 91
The following day was our last day of
freedom. I’m happy, but bitter at the same
time. I could
use a few more months...
Anyway, Derek and I decided we’d spend
the day together, with no disturbances.
We’ve had
quite a tremendous wave of disturbances
during this holiday time.
It’s around 11am and we’re still in bed.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: Yes?
Me: Do you think Nolwazi will ever like
me after this?
He looks at me blankly.
Derek: It’s not like her disliking you, will
make you disappear.
Me: Hehe.
Derek: And she can’t direct her anger
towards you, Mdu is the one who messed
up.
Me: I’m the messenger...
Derek: Give it some time...
Just then, my phone rings and it’s an
unfamiliar number.
I answer it reluctantly.
Me: Hello?
Person: Am I speaking to Ziyanda?
Me: Uhm, yes. Who-
Person: Nolwazi.
Hmmyghaad!
My heart stops beating, I swear.
Me: Hi, LwaNolwazi:
I’d like to meet with you in an hour if you
don’t mind.
She is so cold.
I look at Derek.
Me: Okay.
Nolwazi: I’ll text you the location.
Me: Sure.
She ends the call and I quickly get out of
bed and look at Derek in shock.
Me: Ngidi!
Derek: What?
Me: Don’t say what! That was Nolwazi!
He raises an eyebrow and looks at me
seriously.
Derek: Ufunani?
Me: She wants to meet! She was so cold!
Derek: She wants to meet?
I nod.
Derek: And you said yes?
Me: Duuh!
Derek: What happened to having a
drama-free day?
Me: How the hell am I going to say no to
someone I’ve done something like this to?
He sighs and rubs his chin thoughtfully.
Derek: I’m coming with.
Me: No!
Derek: I’m not necessarily asking for
permission...
I sigh and throw myself on the bed.
Me: She sounds pissed.
Derek: Mxm.
I look at him in shock and he grunts.
Derek: Let’s get ready then...
He gets out of bed and pulls me.
Derek: I’m tired of this shit.
We go to the bathroom...
***
We’re now sitting at a restaurant, waiting
for Nolwazi. I know I’m a nervous wreck,
but I’m not
about to let any of that show. Derek is the
only one who knows my panicky side, and
it will stay
that way.
Derek: You okay?
Me: Ya.
I see Nolwazi approaching, and I take a
sip of my water.
She gets to the table and clears her throat.
Nolwazi: Good morning.
She sits.
Me: Morning.
Derek: Hi.
She stares at me, and as much as I don’t
want to, I stare back at her.
Nolwazi: I didn’t know you’d be joining
us, Derek.
Derek shrugs.
Nolwazi then looks at me.
Nolwazi: Good to have people who fight
your battles, right?
Wowzer... She really threw a jab at me?
I decide not to say anything, and Derek
dismisses that as well.
Derek: Nolwazi, why exactly is Ziyanda
here?
Nolwazi raises an eyebrow.
Nolwazi: Because she decided to interfere
in shit that has nothing to do with her.
Derek tries to say something and I clear
my throat. Although I love his
supportiveness, I know I
need to deal with this myself, seeing as I
put myself in this position in the first
place.
Nolwazi then looks at me.
Nolwazi: Ready to speak for yourself?
Me: Please cut the unnecessary jabs,
Nolwazi.
She raises an eyebrow.
Me: I have a big problem with your
statement. I didn’t interfere in any way...
Mdu, your brother,
is the one who involved me.
Nolwazi: Why are you even having such
contact with your ex?
Me: I don’t think that has anything to do
with you.
Nolwazi: Well, clearly your conversations
centred around me.
Me: They sure did... But your brother is
the one who initiated all of that... I don’t
know you from
a bar of soap.
Nolwazi: Which is precisely why I’m
baffled as to why you felt the need to
bring all of this to me.
Derek: You’re barking up the wrong tree.
Nolwazi: Derek-
Derek: No, Ziyanda was involved without
any choice, so I won’t allow any of you to
put this shit
on her. She’s not the one who led your
brother into Tholi’s arms. In addition,
she’s not the one
who made them fall in love and hide it
from you.
Nolwazi looks at me intently.
Me: Mdu is the one who messed up. I get
that you’re pissed at me for bringing it to
your
attention, but I honestly think your anger
is misdirected.
Nolwazi: You’re young. You don’t
understand what I went through.
Me: Nolwazi you can’t expect me to
sympathise with you when I don’t fully
know what you went
through. I won’t take the blame for what
other people have done to you, I refuse to.
She takes a deep breath and sighs.
Me: I feel bad, I really do.
Nolwazi: Ivy tells me your friend is dating
Kwanele?
I groan.
Me: I’d rather not discuss that, because
my best friend is not part of this group.
She has a
separate life, and I don’t see why it should
be an issue.
Nolwazi: Ivy came back fuming, but I
really couldn’t be bother by that. Kwanele
has every right
to move on. I’ve also moved on.
I keep quiet.
I thought she’d stand and slap me.
Nolwazi: I hope you’re not stressed about
that.
Me: I feel conflicted, because on one side,
I’m getting to know you, and on the other
side, I’ve
known Niki for years, and she really likes
Kwanele. It’s a weird situation.
Nolwazi: Kwanele is the least of my
worries. He’s a good man that found
himself in a corner.
I’ve had a lot of time to go through the
hurt and anger, but I’ve honestly just
accepted the
situation for what it is. Dean and I are
building our life, so why should I expect
Kwanele to stand
still and not move on?
I sigh.
Nolwazi: The only thing that’s pissing me
off is the Mdu situation, and you are
correct in saying
that my anger is misdirected.
Derek: I’m glad you’ve reached that
realisation.
Nolwazi chuckles.
Nolwazi: You were ready to bite my head
off weren’t you?
Derek nods.
Nolwazi: I don’t blame you. Dean would
have done the same thing.
Derek: Here’s the thing, Lwazi... Mdu is
the one who fucked up. Ziyanda may have
been the
bearer of bad news, but she’s not the one
to blame... Additionally, the situation with
Kwanele
and her best friend is honestly none of
our business. Your sister may be
defending you and shit,
but please caution her to not come off too
strong around Ziyanda. I can already see
how she’ll
behave when we’re together.
Nolwazi: Ivy is being Ivy.
Derek: But, Ivy must know her place. Now
that she has established that Kwanele has
moved on,
she mustn’t involve herself in that shit.
Like you stated, the man has every right
to move on.
Whatever he’s currently doing with his
life shouldn’t even affect us this side. It’s
unfortunate
that Ziyanda is in the middle, but what
will not happen is everyone assuming
that she is
responsible for putting herself in this
position. Niki likes the guy, and who are
we to come
between that? Ziyanda has decided to
separate what she has with you, with
what she has with
her best friend. Niki has been transparent
about her feelings about this whole thing,
and
concluded that if she wants to be
informed about something, she will direct
all of that to
Kwanele.
Nolwazi: I hear you, Derek. I will speak to
Ivy. However, she also has every right to
not like
Kwanele.
Derek: But, she shouldn’t intentionally go
to his space and be invasive. She can talk
shit about
him all she wants, but she has no right to
invade whatever he’s building for himself
right now.
Nolwazi: Okay, I will have a conversation
with her.
Derek: And as for Mdu and Tholi... I
understand your anger, but we all know
how love is...
Nolwazi sighs.
Me: Tholi is not necessarily to blame... She
was forced into this.
Nolwazi looks at me intently.
Me: I’ve gotten to know her, and she is
really going through a lot.
Nolwazi: Really?
Me: She’s a wounded person, and from my
understanding, she was forced into this
by her aunt
and Kwanele’s mother.
Nolwazi hisses.
Nolwazi: I’ve heard it all before.
Me: But, I guarantee you that Tholi was
not out to get you. She was a victim of
circumstance.
She sighs.
Me: She is very remorseful, and she’s even
depressed severely.
Nolwazi: Really?
I quickly tell her about Tholi. I’m trying to
change the way she sees Tholi. The poor
girl is going
through the most!
Once I’m done, Nolwazi drinks her water.
She seems touched. I think I managed to
convince
her!
Nolwazi: Wow.
I sigh.
Me: I’m caught up in a very weird
position, Nolwazi... I got to know you and
I liked you, then Mdu
introduced me to Tholi and then I liked
her, then Niki introduced me to Kwanele
and I liked him.
What’s worse with Kwanele is that I liked
him before I knew his story. I didn’t even
connect the
dots. He told me he made mistakes and I
didn’t take that seriously, because I didn’t
think those
mistakes involved you or Tholi. I got three
different perspectives on the same issue.
You
exposed me to the hurt you experienced
because of Kwanele, Tholi and Kwanele’s
mother.
Tholi told me she was forced and she had
no choice, because of her aunt and
Kwanele’s
mother. Kwanele told me that he was
backed into a corner by his mother. I
don’t think any of
you understand how confusing and
draining this is.
Derek: In all honesty, do you all realise
who the common denominator is?
Nolwazi: Of course... Thenjiwe...
Derek: That woman is obviously a great
manipulator.
Ziyanda: I may be dramatic and crazy, but
my intentions are never shady. I don’t
want you to see
me in a negative light because of this. I’m
in the middle of this shit, and it’s a
confusing mind
fuck.
Nolwazi: I don’t see you in a negative
light, Ziyanda. I’ve moved on from
Kwanele. I cannot
emphasise this enough.
Me: I’ll understand if you don’t trust me.
Nolwazi: Trust you with what? You
already know everything there is to know
about me.
She smiles.
Nolwazi: I apologise for the way I came in
here. I was pissed as fuck.
Me: Which is understandable.
Nolwazi: And I think you did well by
bringing Derek. Even though he’s a bias
mediator, he
definitely brought me to my senses.
Derek chuckles.
Me: I apologise for my part as well.
Nolwazi: You shouldn’t even apologise. I
know how Mdu can be, and I’m sure he
involved you
without even considering how conflicted
you’d feel.
I take a sip of my drink.
I’m so relieved.
Me: So we’re good?
Nolwazi: Yes, we good.
I sigh out loud and she laughs.
Nolwazi: And please don’t feel the need to
tell me about Kwanele as well. I’m good. I
wish him
and your best friend well.
Me: Please talk to Mdu. He genuinely
loves Tholi. His love saved her... I know
losing you would
kill him.
Nolwazi: I don’t hate him.
Me: Talk to him. Hear him out. What I’ve
learnt from all of this is that yes, there’s
the truth, but
there are also all these other perspectives
that influence the way we see the truth.
It’s not easy
to hold on solely to the truth.
Nolwazi: I don’t know how you do it. I’d
die.
Me: My life was very peaceful before I met
you people.
Nolwazi: Hey!
I look at Derek.
Me: How is your crew better wena Ngidi?
Firstly, you have a couple that grew up as
brother and
sister and ended up falling in love...
Secondly, you have a couple that divorced
and got married
again... Thirdly, you have a man who was,
and probably still is, a serial cheater...
Then you have
a polygamous epic fail... Oh, and an old
woman who behaves like a gangster...
Who can beat
that?
They both laugh.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda!
Derek: Let’s see... Your crew is running a
prostitution ring; has over the top
dramatic
bullfighters, and of course, mentally ill
people.
Me: Hey!
I punch him lightly and we laugh.
Nolwazi: Nothing beats us. We’re a mess.
Me: Exactly!
Derek: A fucked up yet love-filled mess. A
complicated mess.
Me: Likewise.
We continue chatting for a while, and I
must say I am beyond relieved.
Universe, I officially love you! You do have
my back, after-all!
INSERT 92
That night we ended up getting invited to
Nolwazi’s house for dinner.
Even though our plan was to stay in bed
the whole day, we knew that was
impossible with this
specific crew. They love spending time
together, and I don’t blame them.
Derek and I are now in the shower.
Derek: Feeling better?
Me: Definitely.
He kisses me.
Me: Thank you so much for having my
back.
Derek: None of them know you the way I
know you. I don’t want them to get shit
twisted.
Me: So sweet.
I wrap my arms around him and kiss him.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Likewise.
We continue chatting as we get ourselves
cleaned up.
***
We’re now in Nolwazi’s house, and Nyami
runs to me.
Me: Nyami!
We share a hug and catch up.
Nyami: Granny Zimi took me to the Gold
Reef City yesterday. We had so much fun!
Me: Really?
I listen as she tells me all about it.
Once she’s done, she runs off.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
We share a hug.
Liwa: We heard that you met with
Nolwazi. How did it go?
Me: I’m here, so...
He laughs.
Liwa: Glad to know we can move on from
that situation.
Me: Yep.
Liwa: Where’s Derek?
Me: Bathroom.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders
and we walk to the veranda.
Liwa: So, you knew that my wife is
pregnant?
Me: Yep.
Liwa: You seem to be the secret keeper.
Me: And I hate that. It’s too much.
Liwa: I also have something to tell you.
Me: Liwa, don’t you dare!
He chuckles.
Liwa: What?
Me: I don’t want to know your secrets!
Liwa: I’m an open book, love. No secrets
here.
Me: Good!
He smiles.
Me: I’m so relieved that Lwazi
understood.
Liwa: She’s a good person by nature.
Some of us have to dig deeper to find the
good in us.
We laugh.
Me: Do you guys ever fight?
Liwa: We used to, but we got over it. If it’s
a small issue, we talk about it and move
on. We’re
definitely past the small fights.
Me: That’s admirable.
Liwa: So how’s Kwanele?
I look at him weirdly and he chuckles.
Me: Why would you want to know about
Kwanele?
Liwa: Nje... Is he good?
I nod.
Me: He’s a nice guy.
Liwa: Hmm...
Me: Do you also hate him?
Liwa: Hate? Not at all. I’m Zimkitha’s son,
and that automatically means I have a lot
of
tolerance.
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Liwa: Zimkitha has exposed me to a lot. A
bit too much, to be honest. I know the
world.
I look at him intently. He seems serious.
Liwa: Through that exposure, I’ve come to
realise that everyone has a history and I
can’t judge.
Me: Hmm.
Liwa: Zimkitha is a special kind of woman,
I tell you...
He smiles.
Liwa: But going back to your question, I
definitely don’t hate Kwanele. I actually
sympathise
with the guy...
Me: Me too.
Liwa: But you can’t mention that when
you’re with Dean. He’ll shoot you.
Me: Where is that evil man?
We both chuckle.
Liwa: He’s built differently...
Me: Then Zimkitha must expose him to
the shit she exposed you to.
Liwa: Uh-uh Zimkitha and I share a deep
connection. I get very jealous when it
comes to her.
Me: Really?
He laughs and nods.
Liwa: The only people she loves more
than me are Nomvuyo and Nyami. She’s
obsessed with
Nomvuyo.
Me: I’ve noticed.
Liwa: But I’m also obsessed with Vuvu, so
it’s okay.
Me: Cute.
Liwa: Let’s go inside... I just wanted to
check in and make sure you’re okay.
Me: I’m okay, thank you.
Liwa: Good.
We walk back inside the house and find
everyone there.
Nomvuyo: Where did you two disappear
to?
Liwa: We had to sneak in a quickie.
Nomvuyo: Hehe.
I walk to her and share a hug.
Me: Hey, bestie boo.
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: How are you, love?
Me: I’m good, thanks.
Nolwazi walks to us, and she’s with some
woman who’s the same age group as her, I
assume. I
don’t even need to go in-depth on her
looks. It seems like these people eliminate
you if you’re
challenged in the looks department. I
wonder when my time is coming.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hey Lwazi.
We share a hug.
Nolwazi: Had a good afternoon?
Me: Very relaxing.
She smiles and nods.
Nolwazi: This is Nandipha.
I look at Nandi and smile. She seems
sweet.
Nolwazi: Nandz, this is Ziyanda, Derek’s
girlfriend.
Nandi: Nice to meet you, Ziyanda.
Me: Likewise.
Nandi: Vuvu, Nyami has really grown yazi.
Nomvuyo: Definitely. She’s a big girl now.
Nandi: I haven’t seen her in such a long
time.
Nomvuyo: Angithi you’ve been MIA.
Nandi: Haibo, I was not about to be here
when Malusi and I were still going
through a rough
patch.
Ohh so this is the Nandipha I’ve been
hearing about?
Nomvuyo: Malusi is the one who should
have been cancelled, not you.
Nandi: He depends on you guys more...
Nomvuyo: Ohho.
Nolwazi: But, I’m glad you two are good
now.
I groan.
I’ve been too involved in these people’s
business. I need to go chill with my
person.
I manage to slip away and find Dean.
Me: Dr. Hlongz!
Dean smiles and we share a hug.
Me: I missed you!
Dean: I don’t like girls who get attached to
me.
Me: Boooo!
He chuckles and hugs me again.
Dean: I hear that everything went well?
I nod.
Dean: Usindile.
Me: Argh, whatever.
Dean: I’m sure she came guns blazing?
Me: Heyii beku-tense. It’s was very bad, I
tell you.
He laughs.
Me: I had to keep myself from snapping.
Thank God Nkanyi was there.
Dean: Safa uNkanyi wakho.
Me: Don’t come for my man!
Dean: Hai suka.
Just then, I feel Derek’s arms around me
and I smile.
Me: Derek, I’ve missed you.
He kisses my cheek and looks at Dean,
with a grin on his face.
Derek: What’s this idiot saying to you?
Me: He’s busy whispering sweet nothings.
Dean: You wish. You’re not my type.
Me: Excuse me?
Dean: I love women who can cook.
Woooaaah!
I feel the world crashing.
Derek’s body is all tense against me.
Me: What??
Dean smiles mischievously.
Dean: You heard me.
I look at Derek in shock.
Derek: I need the bathroom.
He lets go of me.
Me: Don’t you dare!
He looks at me sheepishly.
Me: What’s this idiot saying?
Derek: Angazi. I don’t have a problem
with your cooking.
Dean laughs boldly and pats my shoulder.
Dean: Stay away from the kitchen, Ms
Pasta Killer.
I’m so speechless right now.
Liwa and Nomvuyo join us.
Nomvuyo: And then? Did you just see a
ghost?
Dean: Just told her she can’t cook.
Liwa: Oh, uhm, Vuvz, there’s something I
have to show you over there...
Nomvuyo: Oh, yes, love...
They quickly walk away and disappear.
Dean continues laughing senselessly.
INSERT 93
I’m currently going through the most. I
cannot believe these people! So, all this
time they
thought I was a horrible cook? Njani?!
And Derek! That son of a Khwezi!
As they go to the table, I make my way to
the bathroom. Why would Dean blurt it
out like that?
He looked like he had been waiting to
burst my bubble! I am so pissed at him! At
all of them!
The door opens and Derek walks in,
looking nervous as hell. Damn piece of
shit!
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
He looks at me in confusion. He obviously
expected me to have a drama fit.
Derek: Uhm, are you okay?
Me: Ya. I’d like to pee, if you don’t mind...
Derek: Oh... Uhm... Okay...
He stands by the basin and watches as I
lower my leggings and pee. Once I’m
done, I flush the
toilet, and stand close to him.
Me: Ngidi.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: I’d like to wash my hands.
Derek: Oh. Sorry.
He moves aside and watches as I wash my
hands and dry them. Once I’m done, I
walk to the
door and look at him.
Me: Asambe.
He nods as I open the door, and he follows
me to where everyone is. I’m now seated
between
him and Dean.
Dean looks at me with a stupid grin on his
face.
Dean: Dlamz.
Me: Yes?
Dean: You alright there?
Me: I’m fantastic.
He chuckles and nods.
Zimkitha: Hi, Zizi! I haven’t seen you!
She’s next to Liwa, of course. Nomvuyo is
sitting next to Nandi, Nandi is sitting next
to Joe, and
of course Joe is sitting next to Gabi, who is
sitting next to Nolwazi. It’s a full circle.
Me: Hey, Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: How are you, dear?
Me: I’m well, thanks, and you?
She smiles.
Zimkitha: I’m okay, baby.
Gabi: Lwazi and Dean, how are the
babies?
Nolwazi: The megabytes are getting
chubbier by the day.
Zimkitha: They really are...
They all laugh and start talking about
Nolwazi’s megabytes. I easily zone them
out and think
back to when I cooked or even tried to
cook for Derek. Now that I think of it, he
always found
excuses not to eat my food! How dare
he??
Argh!
Just then, I feel someone nudging me, it’s
Derek, and I snap out of it.
Everyone is staring at me.
What did I miss?
I look at them expectantly.
Zimkitha: Nolwazi told us about your
meeting.
I don’t say anything.
Gabi: Personally, I think everyone in this
family likes overreacting. Why can’t we be
happy for
Mdu? The boy is in love, and who are you
to stand in between that?
Zimkitha: I completely agree.
Dean: How about we sit this one out and
let Nolwazi go through it how she wants
to?
GabI: Haike Dean. No one is coming for
your woman. You can stop acting like you
have a dick in
your ass.
Nolwazi: Gabi!
Joe, Liwa and Derek laugh loudly and
happily.
Must be so nice. I’m out here going
through the most, while they’re laughing
and giggling. Mxm.
Zimkitha: We definitely want Nolwazi to
go through it how she wants to, but I
think we’re
entitled to having opinions and giving
advice.
Dean: Your opinions and advice are
unsolicited.
Joe: Do you want to go change your
tampon, Diana?
They laugh once again and I refrain from
rolling my eyes. Honestly, I’m just
shattered.
Nomvuyo: You’re all so childish.
They instantly stop laughing.
Nomvuyo: Everyone should mind their
own business.
Liwa: Oh, baby. You should be the last
person to say such...
Nomvuyo looks at him sharply.
Nomvuyo: Excuse me?
Liwa laughs.
Nomvuyo: What are you trying to say?
Dean: You’re the gossip girl of the group.
Nomvuyo: What??
Now, as much as I tried suppressing it, I
also ended up laughing.
Nomvuyo is out here trying to act like her
ass doesn’t like other people’s business?
Hehe.
Nomvuyo: Whatever.
Liwa: Sorry, baby.
He tries kissing her, but she pushes him
away.
Nomvuyo: You’ll sleep on the couch
tonight.
Everyone laughs.
Gabi: When are your parents coming back
from their vacation, Lwazi?
Nolwazi: I have no idea. They’re going to
four different countries.
Gabi: So cute.
Dean grunts.
Nolwazi: Please don’t start.
Dean: I want us to move out. I’m tired of
this shit.
Nolwazi sighs in defeat.
Liwa: I don’t understand why you’re
making it seem so bad, Dean. I love living
with Zimkitha.
Dean: Good for you.
Liwa: You are extra sensitive today, huh?
Nolwazi: But we’ve discussed this before.
We agreed that we’d stay with my parents
until the
babies are properly developed.
Dean: It’s been a while now. You think
we’re not ready?
Nolwazi sighs.
It’s very clear that she doesn’t want to
move out of her parents’ house. I think
she’s enjoying the
convenience, and I don’t even blame her.
Living with one’s parents is amazing.
Nolwazi: Okay, Dean.
Dean: Everyone here knows how I feel
about personal space. I don’t like living
with your parents.
I have nothing against them.
Nolwazi: I said okay.
Things are getting a bit awks right now.
Gabi clears her throat.
Gabi: Can we have more champagne,
please?
Nolwazi: Okay.
She stands and walks away.
Everyone stares at Dean and he looks at
us blankly.
Gabi: You’re such a dick.
Dean glances at me.
Dean: You think I’m being unreasonable?
I don’t say anything. I don’t know why
he’s trying to involve me. Angithi mina
I’m a bad cook?
Nxa.
After a while, Nolwazi comes back with a
bottle of champagne.
Gabi: Thanks, babe!
They all continue chatting and I add my
two cents here and there...
Derek gets close to my ear.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Sure.
He clears his throat and everyone looks at
him.
Nomvuyo: You two are leaving already?
Derek: We have work tomorrow.
Nomvuyo: Konje you still have that bridge
to cross.
Derek: Yep.
We both stand.
Me: Night everyone.
They all say good night.
Nolwazi: Zi, can I have a word with you?
Me: Sure.
What did I do now?
I follow her to another room and she
turns to look at me.
Me: Is everything okay?
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I spoke to Mdu.
Me: Really?
She nods.
Me: And?
Nolwazi: He told me his side...
I look at her nervously.
Nolwazi: I’d like to thank you for telling
me about that situation...
I sigh in relieve and she also sighs, but
sadly.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nolwazi: He’s not the same anymore... I
don’t know...
Me: This secret has been eating him up.
She doesn’t say anything.
Me: He’s the only one supporting Tholi, so
I think he was under too much emotional
pressure.
What makes it worse is that he had to
keep everything to himself.
She nods.
Me: But at least you can be there for him
now.
Nolwazi: We have to tell mom and dad.
Me: You haven’t?
She shakes her head.
Me: When are you planning on telling
them?
Nolwazi: When they come back...
Me: I think they’ll understand if it comes
from both you and him. The only reason
people were or
are against that situation is because they
have you in mind. They’re considering
how hurtful it is
from your perspective.
Nolwazi: Not knowing that I’m over
Kwanele.
I nod.
Nolwazi: Okay... I’ll talk to my parents.
Me: It’s crucial for you to be there when
Mdu tells them...
She smiles.
Nolwazi: I have no idea why the universe
chose you to be involved in this, but I’m
glad. Thank
you for supporting them.
Me: It was the least I could do.
She smiles.
Me: Is he mad at me?
Nolwazi: Of course.
Me: Uzoba strong. I helped his ass!
We both chuckle and share a hug.
Nolwazi: Now, tell me, why were you so
offish tonight?
Me: Argh.
Nolwazi: Everything okay?
I tell her what happened and she stifles a
laugh.
Me: What?
Nolwazi: Uhm nothing... I can’t believe
they did that to you!
Me: The nerve!
She laughs.
Me: Wena noDean?
Nolwazi: He’s too much sometimes.
Me: But don’t you think he also has the
right to voice out how this living
arrangement makes
him feel?
She doesn’t say anything.
Me: Don’t be hard on him. He just wants
you guys to build your own home.
I can’t believe I’m even putting in a good
word for that idiot after what he did to
me.
Nolwazi: You think I’m being too hard?
Me: Just a tad.
She laughs.
Nolwazi: Okay... I’ll initiate a conversation
tonight.
Me: Good.
Nolwazi: One would swear you two have
known each other for a long time. The
way you stick up
for each other?
Me: He sticks up for me?
Nolwazi: Phela I was ready to show you
another side of me after the Mdu thing,
but he kept
telling me how sincere your actions are...
Me: Aww that evil man thinks I’m sincere?
She laughs.
Nolwazi: Dean is not as evil as he makes it
seem. Only a few know his true loving
self.
Me: I guess I should be honoured.
Nolwazi: We all should... The man can be
cold...
She wraps her arm around my shoulders
and we walk off. As we get to where
everyone is, Derek
immediately walks to me, and looks at me
concernedly.
Derek: Baby, is everything okay?
Me: Yes.
Nolwazi: Don’t worry, D. I didn’t bite her.
Derek: Good for you.
Nolwazi: See around, Zi?
Me: Sure.
We share another hug and she walks off.
Derek looks at me all nervously and
guiltily.
Me: I’m ready.
Derek: Okay.
We say goodbye to everyone and Dean
pulls me aside.
Dean: You’re really mad?
I keep quiet and stare at him blankly.
I want to hear him apologise. Apparently
he’s not one to do such, but I want him to!
Dean: Dlamini?
Me: What?
He groans and looks at me.
Dean: Sorry.
Me: Excuse me?
He groans again.
Dean: For fuck sake, I said I’m sorry.
Me: For what?
Dean: For telling you the honest truth
about your atrocious cooking.
Me: Dean!
He laughs and I end up joining.
Dean: I’m sorry, okay?
Me: You really hurt my feelings.
Dean: You are really going to drag this
out, huh?
Me: Best believe.
He chuckles as he pulls and hugs me.
Dean: Dramatic.
Me: Mxm.
He lets go of me. We walk back to
everyone and I give them hugs, except
Liwa and her gossip
girl. I’m not speaking to them till further
notice. They must go dry hump each other
till kingdom
come, damn sex addicts.
Derek: Ready?
Me: Yes.
I say goodbye and we make our way out.
He opens the door for me and I get in. He
gets in as well, and looks at me before he
starts the
car.
Derek: Baby-
Me: Derek, I’m extremely tired.
Derek: I know, but I still want to talk to
you. You haven’t said one word to me this
evening.
I really want to be pissed right now, but
he’s making it very difficult.
Derek: Zi, say something...
Me: Okay, we’ll talk later.
Derek: When we get home?
I chuckle and nod.
Me: Yes.
Derek: Good. I was about to pull out the
Apology and Forgiveness Tool on you.
Me: Argh.
He starts the car and drives off, smiling...
INSERT 94 (Very short insert. Couldn’t
finish- I’ll work on another one later)
When we get home (blushes profusely) I
go to the bathroom to pee. When I get
back to the
lounge, I find him sitting on the couch. He
pats the space next to him and I sit.
We sit in silence for a while.
Derek: Zi.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: I’m sorry.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: I know you’re furious.
I keep quiet.
Derek: Zi.
Me: Derek, I just fail to understand why
you didn’t tell me personally.
He tries to say something and I stop him.
Me: I have a huge problem with how
you’ve handled this whole thing. You
always preach about
honesty, but why was Dean the one who
told me my cooking is fucked up?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: At the end of the day, I’m in a
relationship with you, and only you. I
don’t sleep with your
crew, I sleep with you. Therefore, if
anything happens between us, it needs to
be addressed by
us first before it’s taken to our friends.
He sighs.
Him: I’m sorry. I never really thought
about it like that.
Me: I shouldn’t have to hear such from
other people... You have to tell me, and
then we can
laugh about it with your people... I know
you didn’t tell me because you didn’t
want to hurt my
feelings, but still...
Him: I hear you.
Me: Do you?
He nods.
Me: Seeing as I’m going back to teaching
tomorrow, let me check for
understanding... What
have we discussed?
He laughs and groans.
Him: You’ve mentioned that you don’t
appreciate what I’ve done.
Me: And what exactly don’t I appreciate?
Him: That I was not honest with you
about your cooking.
Me: What would I like you to do?
Him: Talk to you first.
Me: Good. Glad we’re on the same page.
He laughs and pulls me closer.
Him: I love you so much.
Me: I love you too.
Him: Do you, really?
I nod and he kisses me.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: Right now?
Him: Remember to use your Garbage Can
Tool...
Me: Let the little things go?
He nods and I giggle.
Me: Okay, I’ll let it go.
He kisses me again.
Him: Tell me how much you love me...
Me: Needy much?
Him: I’m very needy right now. You’ve
been cold to me.
I kiss him and smile.
Me: Sometimes, one has to be reminded
that they can be replaced.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
Him: Uyanya.
Me: Derek!
He chuckles.
Me: I don’t love you right now.
Him: Baby, come on...
He groans dramatically and I laugh.
Me: My love for you basically recycles
itself every second.
Him: Wait... Whoa... That’s deep.
I laugh.
Him: Damn, so every second it’s recycled?
Me: Yep. This means it’s fresh and
seasoned 24/7.
Him: Well, that’s good.
I laugh.
Him: So your love for me is recyclable and
reusable?
Me: Yes, but definitely not reducible.
He squeezes me and we kiss yet again, but
this time, we’re more at ease. I’m just
ready to be
ate and put to sleep...
Derek must get to work...
***
The following morning, my alarm does
the absolute most, but I switch the damn
thing off, and
go back to sleep!
I must have closed my eyes for 2 seconds
before I felt Derek’s lips on mine.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hmm?
Him: Wake up...
Me: Hmm.
I feel like crying. Why do we have to go to
work? Can’t I just stay home and be
Derek’s
homemaker?
Mxm konje I can’t cook.
Him: Ziyanda...
Me: What?!
Him: Vuka phela.
Me: Hai ang’funi! Go away!
He sighs and I feel him get off of me. I
immediately doze off again.
After a while, I feel his face again, but this
time, he’s between my thighs. As much as
I want to
chase him away, the sudden sensation
brought forth by his dancing smooth
tongue is making
me want more of him. All of my senses
shoot up, and I forget about sleeping.
He gives me a quick yet thrilling orgasm,
and I am awakened like a prostitute when
a car pulls
up there by Nugget Street eJozi.
I get out of bed, and make my way to the
bedroom while he cleans up. Once I’m
done, I get
dressed and put on a bit of makeup. When
I go to the lounge, I find my tray of food.
He sits and
pats the space next to him. I sit and we eat
in silence.
After 20 minutes, we’re done. I go to the
bedroom and say a prayer, something I’m
accustomed
to. I’m going to have to make Derek
realise God’s importance in our lives. I
can’t be living with a
man who thinks everything he gets in life
is through his own hard work only...
Anyway, I’ll get
through this as time goes by...
We get in the car and he glances at me
with a warm smile.
Him: Good morning.
Me: Morning.
Him: All ready?
Me: We can’t travel to school together.
Him: Why?
Me: We’re not supposed to be seen
together!
Him: Don’t worry about that.
Me: Derek!
Him: Ziyanda, trust me...
I sigh.
He starts the car and drives off.
Him: I’m submitting my resignation letter
today.
Me: What??
He nods and focuses on the road.
I sigh in defeat.
Me: When were you planning on telling
me this?
Him: This morning.
Me: So you’re really serious about leaving
that place?
Him: I don’t want any unnecessary drama
when it comes to us. Plus, I’m serious
about opening
my own school.
Me: Lord...
He smiles.
Him: Don’t stress, sthandwa sami.
Me: You’re something else.
Him: See, as soon as I give these people
my letter, I’m going to find you, and I will
hold you, and
kiss you big time.
Me: In front of my kids?
Him: Those little fuckers will learn.
Me: Derek!
He laughs and glances at me.
Him: This will be our school, an us thing...
You should start thinking of names and
shit.
Me: Uhm okay...
Him: We’re building a future here... When
we’re 50 years old, the money has to be
like a self
cleaning oven- run itself without the help
of anyone.
Me: So you want us to retire at 50?
Him: I’m not going to be a working old
man. Do you think I’m crazy?
Me: Wowzer.
Him: Can’t be old and hustling. We hustle
now, so we can enjoy the fruits of our
labour when
we’re old and tired.
Me: How inspirational.
He laughs and focuses on the road.
Him: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I switch on the music and he focuses on
the road.
I guess he really does see me in his future,
huh? It’s both heart-warming, and scary
as hell.
INSERT 95
As soon as we walk through the gates, we
are overwhelmed by hugs and squeezes.
I am in heaven right now! I’ve missed my
babies so much!
They take my bags and 10 of them walk
with me to my class. We get there and I’m
happy that
Derek and I have been separated.
Rorisang: Ms Dlamini, my mom and I
went to Durban and North West!
The others also begin to talk at the same
time excitedly. I’m now listening to all
these different
vac stories. Just then, there’s a knock on
my door, and it’s Zama.
How I’ve missed this crazy soul!
Me: Friend!
Zama: Heyi nina, hambani. Go and play
outside!
The kids run off and Zama closes the door.
She assesses me and smiles broadly.
Zama: You fucken liar!
Me: What did I do now?
Zama: What happened to us linking up?
Are we just work buddies?
I laugh and she joins me.
Me: Friend, I had a crazy holiday.
Zama: I can tell. You’re glowing like never
before.
Me: I am?
She nods.
Me: Well, I guess that makes both of us.
The pregnancy looks good on you!
She rubs her belly and smiles.
Zama: You must be getting some good
dick.
Me: Definitely. This is what happens when
one falls in love with dick.
She eyes me and we both laugh. We share
a warm hug and I brush her belly.
Me: How’s Zizi junior doing?
She giggles.
Zama: Zizi junior is doing just fine. She
has started kicking like crazy, but she’s
healthy.
Me: Aww.
I continue brushing her, and feel a few
kicks.
Zama: So you fell in love with a specific
dick?
Me: Damn right I did.
She laughs and shakes her head.
Zama: Love is overrated.
Me: Is it, really?
She nods.
Me: Says the happily married pregnant
woman...
We laugh and walk out.
Zama: I’m happy for you. This guy must
be great for him to keep you hidden for a
full month.
Me: He is quite special...
She chuckles.
Me: And how’s hubby bae?
Zama: Things are great, I guess.
Me: That’s good.
As we walk out, we bump into Derek. For
a second there, I had completely forgotten
about him.
Zama: Hey, Mr. Ngidi.
Derek looks at Zama and smiles.
My heart skips a beat. I just want to wrap
my arms around him and kiss him.
How am I going to survive?
Derek: Hey, Zama. How are you?
He opens up his arms and they share a
hug.
I also want to hug him!
Zama: I’m great, thank you.
Derek: Pregnancy looks good on you.
She chuckles as she rubs her belly.
Zama: Clearly Zizi junior has a good effect
on me.
Me: That’s right.
Derek raises an eyebrow.
Derek: Zizi junior?
Zama: Ziyanda has decided to name my
baby girl after her.
Derek: Ah, I see...
He looks at me and smiles.
Hmyghad!
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Hey.
I think he can tell that I also want to hug
him, because he opens up his arms and I
eagerly go in
for a hug I deserve. I inhale his cologne
and feel myself melt.
I feel his lips on my ear. He kisses me
lightly.
Yoh.
He must just submit this resignation
letter ASAP. I caiin’t!
Zama: I’ll go check on my babies.
I’m not even paying attention to her. I’m
holding on to Derek, and I don’t care at
this point.
Derek: You can let go of me now.
Me: I don’t wanna.
He chuckles as he manages to escape my
grip.
Me: Mxm.
He looks at me softly.
Derek: I’m irresistible...
Me: Fuck off.
I walk away and leave him there.
After a while, it’s time for assembly.
All the students line up in their classes
and we walk to the amphitheatre.
Derek is standing at the front with his
sexy soul snatching self.
People are still chatting... He slowly raises
his right hand and touches his forehead. A
few
scholars see this, and they do the same.
Within seconds, the whole school is silent,
and
everyone’s right hands are on their
foreheads.
After that, he touches his knee, and we all
do the same. He touches his right eye and
we do the
same once again.
He smiles and clears his throat.
Derek: Good morning, students!
Everyone greets him back excitedly.
Derek: How are we feeling on this
Wednesday morning?
Everyone: Whimsical, and how are you?
Derek: I am wonderful, thank you.
He goes on to do a quick Maths warm up
and then gives some students the
opportunity to tell
everyone how their holiday was...
Within 15 minutes, we’re done and we’re
making our way to our classes.
Zama: See you later, friend.
Me: Shap.
I take my kids to my class. Where is
Lwazi? I wonder... I can’t help but laugh
when I think back
to how shocked I was when I found out
that I was Bongani’s side dish. The nerve!
We get to the class and my students
immediately get to work. As I’m checking
their work, my
phone beeps and I go to my desk to check
it.
It’s a message from Derek.
Derek: Hi, Ms Dlamini. I must admit that I
am fortunate to get to see you every day. I
don’t think
I’ll ever get tired of it. I love you, and I
hope you have great day.
I smile senselessly as I reread the text.
Argh. Swoons!
I type a reply.
Me: Hi, Mr. Ngidi. You have me smiling
like a fat kid trapped in a candy store.
Thank you for
your ever so lovely words. I must admit as
well that seeing you daily is proving to
have a good
effect on me. I love you too, and I can’t
wait to have you all to myself later.
I press send.
Within seconds, my phone beeps again.
Derek: Now, get back to work before I fire
you.
Me: How evil! Bye!
I put my phone on silent and get back to
checking my kids’ work.
***
It’s now lunchtime and I am still fresh and
excited. My love for teaching is quite
deep, hey.
I’m eating in my classroom, when I hear a
knock on my door.
Me: Come in!
The door opens and I literally drop my
fork.
Me: Lwazi?!
Lwazi, my Lwazi, walks in. She’s dressed
in our school uniform, looking cute as
hell!
Lwazi: Hey, mommy! I’ve beeeen looking
for you!
Me: What?? What are you doing here??
She giggles as she comes to my desk.
Lwazi: This is my new school, silly.
Me: What??
She kisses my cheek and I continue
staring at her in shock.
Lwazi: Mommy, don’t cry!
Me: What’s going on?
She smiles brightly.
Lwazi: Uncle D wanted to surprise you.
He asked me if I want to be in this school
and I said yes.
Me: When?
Lwazi: Last year.
Me: What??
She giggles.
I didn’t even realise that I was crying.
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze
her.
Me: Why didn’t I see you?
Lwazi: You obviously don’t pay close
attention. I’m in grade 5B.
I’m teaching grade 4 this year, so this
explains why I didn’t really see her.
Me: Lwazi!
She continues giggling and wipes my
tears.
Lwazi: You’re going to ruin your makeup.
Me: You sneaky girl!
She sighs.
Lwazi: Uncle D is the best!
Me: Did mom and dad know?
Lwazi: Of course, silly!
Me: How sneaky!
She laughs and gets a chair. She then sits
by my desk.
Lwazi: I like this school. At least I’m with
smart kids.
Me: Oh gosh.
She laughs.
Lwazi: I like challenges.
Me: You sure do.
Just then, there’s a knock and Zama walks
in.
Zama: Friend.
Me: Hey, friend.
Zama looks at Lwazi.
Zama: Lwazi, go eat lunch with other kids.
Lwazi: But-
Zama: Lwazi... You don’t even know Ms
Dlamini.
Lwazi: I do! She used to teach me.
Zama: Really?
Lwazi smiles and nods.
Lwazi: See you later, mommy.
Me: Bye, baby.
She walks out.
Zama looks at me questioningly.
I begin telling her about Lwazi... Leaving
out Derek’s role...
Zama: She’s a lovely girl. I fell in love with
her as soon as she introduced herself in
class.
Zama is the grade 3-5 isiZulu teacher.
Me: She’s very loveable.
Zama then looks at me mischievously.
Me: What?
Zama: I thought I’d wait for you to spill
the tea, but damnit you’re taking too long!
Me: Huh?
Zama: Argh, you’re in love with Ngidi,
aren’t you?!
Me: What?!
She pouts and crosses her arms.
I quickly stand and walk to the door.
Me: I will not dignify that with a response!
She laughs as I walk out and make my
way to Derek’s office. Apparently Camille
is still
overseas having the time of her life with
her man... Must be nice!
I open Derek’s door, and walk in. I find
him typing.
I close the door and walk to his desk.
Me: Nkanyezi!
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: Lwazi?? Really?!
He stops typing and relaxes on his chair.
He’s smiling.
Me: You sneaky bastard!
He chuckles and stands. I immediately
wrap my arms around his waist and
squeeze him.
Me: I love you!
I look at him and smile.
Me: You’re the best!
Derek: I know...
Me: I’m pleasantly surprised.
Derek: Hmm.
He kisses my forehead.
Derek: I’m glad...
I let go of him and sigh.
Me: See you later.
Derek: Bye, baby.
I walk out and close the door.
I’m so happy right now. Derek is
something else!
INSERT 96
By the end of the school day, I was a bit
exhausted, but in a good way. It feels good
being back
at work!
Lwazi was now on her way home with her
transport which my dad organised. I’m
still shocked
by what Derek has done. I don’t know
what I’ve done to deserve this star of
mine.
I’m in my class when I hear a light knock.
Seconds later, Zama walks in.
Me: Go away, demon!
She laughs and closes the door.
Zama: Unyile, I’m not going anywhere
until you tell me what the fuck is going on.
She sits on my desk and looks down at me
with a grin.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking
about.
Zama: The first time it hit me was when
we were in one of our subject meetings
last year, and
you two kept glancing at each other like
teenagers.
Me: What??
Zama: Everyone knows that you two are a
thing.
Me: Zama!
She laughs.
Zama: And then there are the little jokes
and giggles you share without even
realising.
Me: Are you serious?
She nods.
Zama: We all know... Mina I was just
waiting on you to confirm.
Me: Everyone knows?
She nods lightly.
Zama: People are wondering how you
managed to lock the great Ngidi down. He
seems
untouchable to us low class folks.
We both laugh and I shake my head in
disbelief.
Me: Argh I really don’t know what you’re
talking about.
Zama: Hmm so you’re O.J’ing this whole
thing?
Me: Deny, deny, deny!
We both laugh and my phone beeps.
Zama: So I’m guessing you’re not coming
with me?
Me: Nope.
Zama: Heheee!
She stands and gives me a hug.
Zama: Bye, baby.
Me: Bye.
She walks out and I begin packing my
things and preparing my board for the
following day.
Once I’m done, I make my way to Derek’s
office, and find him packing as well.
Me: Hey, can I come in?
He looks up and smiles. I don’t know why
I find him cuter at work. Seeing him all
serious and
quiet makes him sexier...
I walk in and close the door.
Me: How was your day?
He sighs.
Derek: Hectic, but good.
Me: Hectic?
He nods.
Derek: These people don’t want to let me
go.
Me: Huh?
Derek: Tried submitting my resignation
letter, but they refuse to let me go. I have
a meeting with
them tomorrow.
Me: Really?
He nods and grunts.
Me: I guess they value you.
Derek: Won’t change my mind...
Me: Are you sure?
He nods.
Derek: I already got a few properties to
look at.
Me: For your school?
Derek: Our school.
I sigh.
Me: You are moving too fast.
Derek: Don’t see why I should waste time
when I know what I want.
Me: Hmm.
He finishes up and walks to where I’m
standing. He wraps his arms around my
waist and pulls
me closer to him.
Derek: Did you have a good day?
Me: It was fantastic!
He laughs lightly.
Me: All because of you!
Him: I’m glad I could make it fantastic.
Me: Can we go home now?
Him: Home?
Me: Yep.
He smiles and nods.
Him: Sounds good.
He kisses me lightly and lets go of me.
We get our things and make our way out.
It seems like everyone left early today. I
guess some
people didn’t have a great day, like some
of us. Shwem!
We get to the car and he drives off.
Me: Apparently everyone knows about us.
He looks at me in confusion and a bit of
disbelief.
Me: Zama told me.
Him: Really?
I nod and he chuckles.
Him: People are quick when it comes to
other people’s business, but they struggle
to
implement shit we ask them to in their
classrooms.
My jaw drops.
Me: Derek Nkanyezi Ngidi!
Him: I’m just saying.
Me: The shade?? The shade!
He chuckles.
Him: People need to stick to developing
their competency and mind their
business.
Me: Derek!
He focuses on the road and I laugh in
disbelief. What is he trying to say? Is
Zama not a good
teacher kanti? Hehe yoh angizingeni!
***
That evening, we ordered food, because a
certain somebody was not in the mood to
cook. It’s
unfortunate that he’s the only one with
cooking skills in this apartment,
otherwise he’d be
provided with something to eat.
We’re now in the lounge, and he’s busy on
his laptop while I’m watching TV.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Him: What do you think about this vision
and mission?
He gives me his laptop and I read.
Me: Whoa you’re already working on the
school’s vision and mission?
He nods lightly.
Me: Hmm.
Him: What do you think?
Me: I like it.
Him: Baby, I’d appreciate more
substantial feedback. “Like” is very
inadequate.
Me: Haike.
I read it again and then sigh.
Me: What do you want to achieve through
this school?
He sighs
Him: I want the kids to be recognized.
Me: Nationally? Internationally?
Him: Internationally, of course.
Me: Then why don’t you add that? So
maybe the vision should be to equip
students from
different backgrounds with all the
necessary intellectual, social and
emotional skills to become
worldwide citizens? And that through our
education, these students will transform
society?
He looks at me in silence for a good
minute. Thereafter, he reels me in for a
kiss.
Him: You fucken genius!
Me: Yaaas!
Him: Fuck.
He takes his laptop and begins typing.
Once he’s done, he smiles brightly.
Him: What about the mission?
Me: The mission is perfect... Maybe add
that the education provided is aimed
mostly at
students who come from disadvantaged
backgrounds?
He looks at me once again.
Him: I didn’t think about that... So you
think the school should be for poor kids?
Me: We already have the Saint what
whats... Let’s create a school for kids who
can’t afford
those schools.
He laughs in disbelief and types again.
Me: So, we have a vision and mission?
He finishes typing and nods.
Him: We sure do!
Me: And we should also start thinking
about our values...
He puts the laptop aside and pulls me so
half of my body is on him.
Him: You’re the best.
Me: I’ve been told.
Him: Hey, now...
I kiss him.
Me: Thank you for surprising me with
Lwazi. You’re the best.
He kisses me and we reposition till he’s
on top of me.
Him: This is going to be a great year.
Me: Preach!
He laughs as we share another kiss...
***
The rest of the week went by smoothly.
Derek met up with his line manager and
some people
from the head office, and they finally
agreed to let him go. Unfortunately, they
refused to let him
go immediately, so he is going to stay for
the first term. They’re going to find his
replacement
and he’ll be responsible for training
him/her. I am honestly happy about this. I
enjoy seeing him
at work and indulging in a few stolen
moments.
Anyway, that Friday, we were busy
getting our kids lined up and ready for
assembly, when Zama
came to me squealing.
Zama: Girl!
Me: Yini?
She’s smiling and giggling.
Zama: Why didn’t you tell me that Derek
has a twin?
Me: Huh?
She fans herself.
Zama: He is so hot!
Me: Uhm okay...
I push her aside and get my kids ready. I
then ask them to walk to the
amphitheatre.
I look at Zama questioningly.
Me: Uthi kwenzakalani, sisi?
Zama: Look at him!
She turns and I also turn.
Me: Gosh, really?
I see Derek standing with Dean.
I must say though that they do look
scrumptious.
But, what is Dean doing here? He has
never popped up.
Zama: Zi!
Me: Yoh Zama, awume man. Kanti are you
not married?
She giggles.
Me: Geesh.
Zama: Who is he?
Me: A friend...
As we walk to the assembly area, I realise
that all the female teachers are staring as
they pass
these two men.
If only they knew that Dean is just...
Dean...
Anyway, we get to assembly and one of
the teachers run it, because Derek’s voice
is apparently
giving him problems. He woke me up in
the middle of the night complaining about
his throat...
Such drama...
Once we’re done with assembly, we all
walk back inside the building.
I get to where Derek and Dean are
standing.
Dean smiles.
Dean: Ya wena.
Me: Hello, Langelihle.
Dean: I see you’re in your element.
Me: Best believe.
He opens his arms and we share a hug.
Me: You’re driving girls crazy over here.
Dean: Nothing new there...
Me: Wow!
Derek: I think I’m going to leave early,
baby. I’m really sick.
Dean: Stop being a baby wena.
Derek looks at me all sulky.
Me: Is it bad?
He nods.
Me: Who’s going to take care of you?
Derek: Dean.
I laugh boldly.
Dean: Uhlekani wena slima?
Me: You? Take care of a sick person?
Wowzer.
Dean: Mxm.
Me: What are you even doing here?
Dean: I came to tell you that I’m planning
on proposing to Nolwazi next week
Saturday, and you
should start planning shit. Just leave the
catering to me...
My eyes pop out.
Me: Excuse me?!
He nods casually and then looks at Derek.
Dean: Get your shit, Ngidi. We’ll drive past
the pharmacy.
I’m so dumbstruck right now.
INSERT 97 (Couldn’t edit)
That Friday, I went home by myself with
an Uber, because Derek had to leave early.
He’s been
calling me, complaining about how much
pain he’s in.
I’ve already prepared myself for the
drama I’m about to experience. He is
really channelling his
inner boss baby right now.
As I make my way inside the apartment,
I’m shocked to find Dean there.
Me: And then?
He’s cooking.
Dean: I figured I should cook for my sick
friend, seeing as he lives with someone
who has the
potential to unintentionally poison him.
I take an apple and throw it at him, and he
ducks.
Dean: What the fuck?!
Me: Fuck you!
He laughs as he focuses on the stove.
Me: Go away. Your services are no longer
needed.
Dean: Derek has been sulking the whole
day. Just go and give him the attention he
needs.
Me: How is he?
Dean: A little sore throat and he’s out
here making it seem like he has lung
cancer. I’m gatvol.
I chuckle as I walk to the bedroom.
Me: Nkanyi?
The bedroom is dark.
I switch on the side lamp and sit on the
edge of the bed. I uncover him and he
winces.
Aww man.
Me: Star, how are you?
He groans as he rubs his eyes and
eventually looks at me.
Me: Ah, love. Are you in pain?
He nods sadly.
Derek: I’m in pain.
Me: I’m sorry.
I try to stand, but he holds my hand.
Derek: Don’t go.
Me: Let me take a quick shower first.
Derek: I want to shower with you.
Me: Okay, baby.
I help him stand. Yes, I help him stand.
This flu seems to have paralysed his legs.
I take off his clothes and lead him to the
bathroom. I walk out and go to the
kitchen quickly.
Me: Dean, I’m taking a shower with my
person. Don’t even think of disturbing us.
Dean: I don’t know what’s more
disgusting... Your pasta or seeing you and
Derek naked...
Me: Fuck off!
He laughs as I rush back to the bedroom. I
close the door and take off my clothes as
well.
When I get to the bathroom, Derek is
literally sitting on the toilet seat, looking
all defeated. I did
say the drama is on a 100, right?
Me: Star, you should have gotten in the
shower...
He looks at me like I’m speaking a
different language.
Me: Woza ke.
I help him stand and we both get in the
shower.
Derek: Please make sure the water is not
too hot. My skin is a bit sensitive right
now.
Me: Oh, is it?
He nods sheepishly.
Me: Okay. Anything for you.
I adjust the water to his liking and then I
start cleaning him up.
He groans and I stop.
Me: Everything okay?
Him: You’re too rough, baby.
I roll my eyes.
Ngaze ngavelelwa.
I clean him up gently and look at him.
Me: Better?
He nods.
As I’m about to clean myself, he takes my
vaslaap and I look at him weirdly.
Me: So you’re strong enough to clean me
up?
He nods and I chuckle.
Me: Thank you, Nkanyi.
He strokes my breasts gently and I moan.
He really does have an effect on me, sick
or not. I
wrap my arms around his neck and kiss
him.
Me: I know you’re sick right now, but I
really need you to help me out here.
Him: I’ll try...
I roll my eyes and he smacks my ass.
Me: Hey!
Him: You’re very mean.
Me: Okay, I’m sorry. Love you, Star.
I kiss him as he tries to say something. I’d
appreciate a quick orgasm to keep me
going for a
couple of hours. It’s quite clear that I
won’t get any sleep.
After much kissing, and all that other
stuff, I get my quick orgasm and we get
out of the
shower. I dry him up and he goes to the
bedroom. I dry myself up as well and
follow him back to
the bedroom.
He’s sitting on the bed.
Me: Ready to get lotioned up?
He nods.
I take his lotion and begin working. I’m
sure this is what it’s like to nurse old
people in a home.
Once I’m done, I help him put on his pjs
and he watches me lotion myself and put
on my pjs as
well.
Derek: You have a lovely body, baby. I
love your curves.
I look at him weirdly, but end up blushing.
He sounds so cute and sincere right now.
Me: I’m glad you find me appealing.
Him: Enticing.
Me: Alluring
Him: Tantalizing.
I giggle and he smiles.
Me: I’m sure Dean is done cooking...
Ready to go to the lounge?
Him: I don’t know if I can walk to the
lounge, but I’ll try.
Me: Please try...
He nods and I try not to roll my eyes. The
drama dramz is on a hunnid right now.
We walk to the lounge.
Dean: Done having weak sex?
Me: You’re so vile and gross. Go away.
He chuckles.
Dean: The food is ready.
I help Derek sit and Dean rolls his eyes as
well. We then walk to the kitchen.
Dean: I need to leave. I can’t take his
drama.
Me: Uyanya you’re not going anywhere.
Dean: I have twins waiting for me.
Me: It’s not like you enjoy living with your
soon to be in-laws.
He groans.
Me: Exactly. Now dish up for us and suck
it up solider. You can see ukuthi Derek is
doing the
most...
He sighs as he begins dishing up.
Once he’s done, we walk to the lounge and
I give Derek his plate.
Me: There you go...
Derek: Uhm, baby I’m full.
Me: Mxm I didn’t prepare it, Dean did.
Derek: Oh...
He takes the plate and Dean laughs.
Me: Mxm.
We are all seated now. I’m in the middle
of Derek and Dean.
Derek: Dean, can I have some salt?
Dean was about to protest when I nudged
him hard. He got up and fetched salt.
Dean: Anything else?
Derek: No, thanks.
Nkanyi takes the salt and then sighs.
Me: What’s wrong now?
He sighs and looks at his plate tiredly.
Me: Would you like me to feed you?
Derek: Oh, thank you for offering. I would
appreciate that.
I look at Dean and we roll our eyes. I put
my plate aside and begin feeding
Nkanyezi slowly.
Derek: I’d like a bit of garlic sauce.
Dean: Uyanya wena. Go fetch that shit
yourself.
Derek looks at him in shock. I stand and
fetch the sauce.
Derek: Just a little, baby.
Me: Hmm.
I sit and finish off feeding him. He then
watches me eat.
Me: Yini? Are you still hungry?
He nods and looks down all sadly.
Me: Dean.
Dean groans as he stands and takes
Derek’s plate.
Me: Dean is dishing up for you.
Derek: Thank you.
Me: Hmm.
After a while, Dean comes back with more
food and then sits down.
Dean: What exactly is wrong with you? Is
your throat sore, do you have chest pains?
Derek: My nose is blocked. It’s painful.
Me: Your nose... Your nose is blocked?
He nods.
Gosh.
All this drama over a blocked nose?
Universe, why are these men such babies
when they’re sick?
Dean: Haike uxakwe yini ungafuthi?
Derek: Excuse me?
Dean stands.
Dean: I’ll see you-
Me: No!
I pull him down and take his plate. I put it
on the table and then take the remote and
switch on
the TV.
Me: Let’s watch the Real Housewives of
ATL.
Dean: What?
Derek: You’ll enjoy it... You behave exactly
like these women, you’ll see.
Dean: Maybe one punch will get those
nostrils functioning?
Me: Dean!
Both of them sink on the couch and get
comfortable.
Me: And no talking!
Dean: Just play the damn thing, Dlamini...
I’m tired of hearing Derek’s moaning.
I press play and relax as well...
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I’d be sitting here with my very very
sick boyfriend
and his arrogant friend, watching ratchet
TV.
Life, hey?
INSERT 98 (Short insert)
It’s now around 5pm, and Dean and I
came up with a brilliant plan. We decided
to drug Derek so
that he passes out and stops annoying us.
We gave him his medication, and within 5
minutes,
he was moaning about wanting to go back
to bed.
I help him up and take him to the
bedroom. Just as I am about to leave him,
he moans.
Me: Nkanyezi?
Derek: Don’t leave.
I sigh heavily as I get in bed and he rests
his head on my chest.
Derek: Thank you for taking care of me.
Me: Hmm...
He is quiet for a while.
I’m honestly over him at this point. I want
him to fall asleep so I can open a bottle of
wine. Yes,
Derek has driven me back to the bottle. I
am scratching my sabbatical, that’s how
stressed I
am.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: I love you.
Me: Me too.
Derek: Hmm.
I listen to him mumble about his
indescribable love for me. The way I’m so
exhausted, I don’t
even find it cute. He must pass out now.
Within a few minutes, he is breathing
loudly due to his blocked nose. I carefully
break free from
him and then walk out...
I am free!
I get to the lounge and find Dean there,
with a bottle of wine.
Me: Right on time!
I get myself a glass and pour some.
We sit in silence for a while and then I
take a sip. I swear my whole body ignites
from the dead. I
sigh happily and then look at him.
Me: So, you want to propose to Lwazi?
He nods lightly.
Me: That’s amazing. Good for you.
He chuckles.
Me: What do you have in mind?
Dean: Simplicity.
I nod.
Me: So, the usual dinner setup?
He nods.
Me: Okay. I’ll think of something, and hit
you up.
Dean: Do best.
I laugh.
Me: Do best?
Dean: It’s your lingo.
Me: I never thought of myself as an
influencer. I obviously underestimated
myself.
Dean: An influencer that can’t cook.
Me: You are really going to drag this out,
huh?
He laughs.
Dean: You have no idea. I want to make
you cry.
Me: It will take more than stupid jabs to
make me cry, evil man. I am invincible.
Dean: Mxm.
Me: So, do you have a ring?
He shakes his head.
Dean: There’s someone flying in from
Germany for that.
Me: What?!
He looks at me blankly.
Dean: You think I’m going to buy those
idiotic rings from American Swiss?
Me: Whooaa!
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Dean: I work hard and generate loads of
money, so I can enjoy such luxuries,
Dlamini.
Me: Derek has been saying the same
thing.
He looks at me seriously.
Dean: As black people, it’s unfortunate
that almost 100% of the population don’t
grow up in
households that value financial literacy.
Our people live pay check to pay check.
Thankfully, my
family broke that cycle and stressed the
importance of saving and spending
wisely. I don’t want
my kids to grow up feeling limited just
because there isn’t enough money...
Me: True... We’re not that educated about
budgeting.
Dean: So, this is why you should also
break that cycle in your family. You
should start saving
now, so that you won’t feel the pressure
when you’re close to retiring. Don’t you
want to sit back
and do nothing while still getting money?
Me: Of course I do.
Dean: Then be aware of your finances.
Me: Okay, Mr. Economics.
He chuckles.
Dean: Anyway, back to the proposal... I
have someone flying in from Germany, to
show me all
my options.
Me: That’s nice.
Dean: You’ll help me choose, right?
Me: I’d love to. And maybe you can get me
a young something to show your
appreciation...
Dean: See, you can definitely get
something from American Swiss. It’s more
of your level.
Me: Dean!
He laughs.
Me: You’re so mean!
Dean: I’m not mean to you... Ziyanda, I can
be worse.
Me: Mxm, go away. I want to cuddle with
Derek.
Dean: Hmm and I also have to go now. I
miss my family.
Me: Awww! Even Bab’Dumz?
He looks at me sharply and I laugh.
Me: Go and bond with your future father-
in-law.
He groans.
Dean: Probably the only man who makes
me question myself.
Me: Really??
He nods nonchalantly and I continue
laughing.
Me: I think I’m going to love Bab’Dumz!
Dean: Mxm.
Me: So did you ask him for permission to
marry Lwazi?
Dean: Obviously, dummy.
Me: And what about lobola?
He sighs heavily.
Dean: We’ll cross that bridge once I’ve
proposed.
Me: But you know she’s going to say yes
mos.
Dean: That’s not my main concern.
Me: Then what is?
Dean: My mother is reluctant to reach out
to my uncles...
Me: Hawu why?
Dean: I have no idea.
Me: Do you know your uncles?
Dean: I don’t know anything about my
family, Ziyanda. I couldn’t give two shits
about those
people. The only problem now is that
Dumakude insists on having my so called
uncles there.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense. It’s not
like they raised you.
Dean: My point exactly.
Me: Wowzer.
He sighs and stands.
Dean: Anyway, we’ll see how that goes.
Me: I’m sure Zimkitha is excited!
Dean: You know how she is.
Me: Cute.
I stand as well and put down the wine
glass.
Me: I’ll call you once I have some ideas.
Dean: Okay.
We share a hug and I walk him out.
Me: Say hi to Lwazi.
Dean: Will do.
Me: And Bab’Dumz!
Dean: Fuck off.
I laugh as he walks away and I make my
way back to the bedroom to check on my
cancer
patient.
I find him sleeping ever so peacefully.
Cute soul snatching thing.
I go back to the lounge with my laptop
and look up some proposal ideas on
Pinterest.
I wonder if Derek would ever propose to
me. Would I even say yes? Hehe I don’t
even want to
think about all of that. I’m still wrapping
my head around the fact that we live
together...
***
The following morning, I decide to make
breakfast. Yes, I will make breakfast, and I
will shut
this nigga up once and for all. I am not a
sore loser. I will look up a simple recipe,
and I will slay
the shit out of it. I’m not going to be the
laughing stock, nxa! I refuse!
I research how to make fruity french toast
and an omelette. Once I have taken out
my
requirements, I start following the recipes
very very carefully. I even taste along the
way.
As I’m busy, I keep thinking of Dean’s evil
laugh, and that motivates me even more.
It’s the eye
of the tiger!
After a while, I’m finally done. I clean up
the space and dish up for my cancer
patient.
Once I’m satisfied, I walk back to the
bedroom with a tray. I wake him up and
he yawns.
I ignore how sexy he looks...
Me: Derek, wake up.
Derek: Morning, baby.
Me: Hello. Vuka, I made you breakfast.
Derek: Baby, I’m not-
Me: Don’t fuck with me. Thatha lokudla
udle.
He looks at me in shock.
He then sits up and I place the tray on his
lap. He assesses it, and I can tell that he is
shocked.
The presentation is on point! I did the
damn thing, I know it!
Derek: Uhm, thank you.
Me: Eat up.
He digs in the omelette and looks at me.
Derek: It looks good, baby.
Me: Hmm.
Eat up nigga!
He slowly opens his mouth, and in goes
the omelette.
He chews slowly... I’m watching closely... I
want to see how he reacts...
He looks at me.
Then he digs in again.
He chews faster this time around and
then smiles.
Derek: Baby, this is-
Me: Amazing, I know.
I stand.
Derek: Manje uyaphi?
Me: I’m taking a shower.
Derek: Oh, butMe:
If you don’t tell your people that I’ve
redeemed myself, consider yourself
girlfriend and
roommate-less.
His eyes pop out and I walk to the
bathroom.
Drops the damn mic, bitches!
INSERT 99
That afternoon, Derek miraculously got
healed. Maybe the medication Dean got
for him really
worked. I was just grateful that I was no
longer expected to run up and down. This
experience
made me realise that I’m not a very
patient caregiver. I lose patience after a
while…
It’s now around 12pm and Derek has
showered and up from the dead.
Me: How are you feeling?
Derek: I’m okay.
Lord. Clearly he’s touched by how I
addressed him earlier.
Me: Want to take a walk?
Him: Okay.
I wait for him to finish up and then we
make our way out and walk around the
block.
Me: I’m glad you’re feeling better. I hated
seeing you like that.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Me: I can’t stand seeing my Star all sick
and fragile. It really was a traumatizing
experience.
He smiles and we hold hands. As annoyed
as I was, I have to admit that he was very
cute
throughout his sick period.
Him: You’re not quite a sympathetic
caregiver.
Me: Excuse me??
Him: Baby, you were snappy, and you
constantly rolled your eyes. I've
concluded that I'm going
to take myself to a home when I'm old.
Me: Hehe. We'll see about that.
We continue chatting... After a while, my
phone rings and when I check the caller
ID, I see
Nomvuyo's name. I answer it.
Me: Hello?
Nomvuyo: Hey, bestie boo.
Me: Who am I speaking to?
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda, really??
Me: Excuse me?
Nomvuyo: Gosh, you are really going to
drag this one, huh?
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: Love, I'm sorry about not being
honest with you. It was a very awkward
situation, and
Liwa and I didn't want to burst your
bubble.
Me: Mxm.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: What will it take for you to
forgive me?
Me: You can't bribe me.
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: I'm sorry!
Me: Whatever.
Nomvuyo: I miss you. When am I seeing
you? What about today?
Me: I'm spending the day with Derek, so it
will have to be tomorrow.
Nomvuyo: Gosh... Alright then. I'll see you
tomorrow.
Me: Bye.
Nomvuyo: Love you!
Me: Whatever!
She laughs as I hang up.
I look at Derek and he laughs.
Me: I can't believe you didn't tell me that
my cooking sucks.
He sighs in defeat.
Derek: Baby, I don't want to be the one
who bursts your bubble when it comes to
such.
Me: So much for honesty.
He groans.
Derek: So you're going to breakup with
me if I don't tell "my people" as you call
them, that you've
redeemed yourself?
I nod and he places his arm around my
shoulders.
Derek: Anything for you, baby.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Any plans for today?
Me: I'm in the mood for cuddles and lots
of sex.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Derek: You never cease to amaze me.
I smile innocently.
Derek: But, your wish is my command.
Me: Damn right it is.
We continue chatting and walking...
***
That evening, Derek and I were watching
a movie, when he got a call...
Derek: It’s my dad.
I lower the volume and he answers.
Derek: Hello?... Hi, dad... What’s wrong?...
His body tenses up and I look at him.
Derek: What happened?... When?...
He sighs again.
Derek: Okay... Alright... I’ll be there
shortly... Bye...
He hangs up and growls.
Me: What’s wrong?
Derek: My mom’s in hospital.
Me: Really? What happened?
Derek: It seems like she had a stroke... It’s
been two days...
Me: Oh my goodness. How is she?
Derek: My dad says she’s not well.
Me: Let’s go to the hospital.
He nods and we both stand. I don’t know
how I feel right now. I don’t necessarily
like Khwezi,
but I don’t want anything bad to happen
to her. At the end of the day she’s Derek’s
mother, and I
know she means the world to him.
Once we’ve gotten ready, we make our
way to the hospital.
He’s very quiet, and I don’t know what to
say. I want to give him space and just let
him be, but I
know that’s not what he wants. I can tell
he’s worried...
As we’re driving, I glance at him.
Me: How are you feeling?
Derek: I’m okay.
I nod lightly and decide to not enquire
further, because he’s clearly not in the
right space.
After a while, we finally get to the
hospital.
We are led to Khwezi’s room.
Me: I’ll wait here...
Derek: No.
He takes my hand and opens the door.
Senior is sitting by the bed, where Khwezi
is. At first I don’t see anything wrong with
her, but as I
walk closer to her and see her face and
actual body language, I can’t help but be
shocked. Her
whole left side is badly affected. We all
know how stroke messes one up, but I
never really
thought this happens. I was so shocked!
Derek: Why am I only told now that this
happened?
Senior looks like his whole world is
tumbling down.
Derek: I don’t understand why you would
keep this from me.
Senior sighs heavily and looks at Derek in
defeat.
Senior: She didn’t want you to know...
Derek tries to say something, but stops
himself. He then focuses on Khwezi.
At this point, I’d rather focus my attention
on Senior, because looking at Khwezi is
making me
very uneasy. She looks completely
different. My heart is genuinely pounding
hard.
Derek: Mama.
Khwezi looks at him.
Derek: What’s going on? What happened?
Khwezi: I don’t want that girl here.
Nazoke. Even in her sick state, she’s still
being her mean old self. Till this day I
have no idea
what I did to this woman.
Derek: Mama?
Khwezi: I said... I do not want that girl
here...
Mind you, she’s not speaking properly,
because of the after effects of the stroke.
Derek: You’re in your deathbed, and the
first thing you can say to me is that you
don’t want
Ziyanda here?
Senior: Nkanyezi...
I clear my throat.
Me: I’ll be outside.
Derek tries to say something, but I shake
my head. Listen, I’m all for support, but
what I will not
do is force myself into situations where I
am clearly unwanted...
I get out of the room and see Zimkitha
walking towards me.
Zimkitha: Zizi? What are you doing here?
Me: Uhm, I came with Derek.
Zimkitha: Is he here??
She looks shocked.
Me: Yes, his dad called and told him.
Zimkitha: Hmm.
I don’t say anything.
She smiles kindly.
Zimkitha: Let me check in...
She walks in and I decide to take a walk
and find the nearest vending machine. I’d
like a packet
of chips to distract me from all of this.
I was having such a peaceful day with
Nkanyi...
The Universe sure knows how to switch
things up. Phela now I’m being insulted by
a woman
who is suffering from a stroke. Kunzima.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone
ringing.
It’s Derek.
I answer it.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Where are you?
Me: Reception area.
He hangs up and I groan. Things are
definitely about to be intense... I can feel
it...
Within a few minutes, I see him approach
me. He seems angry.
Derek: Why did you leave?
Me: Haibo, Derek. Your mother didn’t
want me there.
He grunts and begins walking.
Me: Where are you going?
Derek: We’re leaving.
Me: Manje why ungasho?
I get that he’s going through the most, but
he must also consider my presence. He
can’t be
walking off and leaving me confused.
He turns and walks back to me. I open my
packet of Fritos and grab a few.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes?
He sighs and looks at me more softly as I
chew.
Derek: I apologize for how I’m behaving;
however, I’m pissed as fuck right now. My
mother
almost died, and I was only informed
today...
I sigh.
Me: I’m sorry about that...
He keeps quiet.
Me: How is she now?
Derek: The doctor says she’s badly
affected.
Me: I’m sorry.
Derek: Let’s go home.
Me: You don’t want to stay?
He shakes his head tightly.
Me: Okay.
He walks and I follow him.
Now I have to deal with an angry and
grumpy Derek... Kunzima ukukipita mos...
INSERT 100
We’re now in the apartment, and Derek
has been in the bedroom. I ended up
giving him space. I
can’t seem to deal with his current mood
for some odd reason. More than anything,
I also need
the space, so I decided to watch TV till I
fall asleep.
My phone rings and it’s Dean.
Me: Dean?
Dean: Are you two at home?
Me: Yes.
Dean: How’s Ngidi?
Me: He’s pissed.
Dean: Hmm.
Me: Do you have a close relationship with
Khwezi?
Dean: More or less...
Me: She hates me.
Dean: I’ve been told.
Me: The first thing she said when we got
to her room, was that I should get out.
He chuckles.
Dean: Monster-in-law.
Me: Is it bad that I don’t really care that
she hates me?
Dean: Not at all. Don’t let her get to you.
Me: Hmkay.
Dean: I’m on my way to the hospital now
with Liwa.
Me: Alright then. Bye.
Dean: Bye.
I hang up and sink on the couch. This
group of friends is very strange. There’s
something about
their dynamics that confuses and
intrigues me... I don’t know, man...
My thoughts are interrupted by Derek
sitting next to me.
Derek: Love.
Me: Hey.
He pulls me closer and wraps his arm
around me.
Derek: I’m sorry for being a dick.
Me: It’s okay... I love your dick...
He laughs and I look at him and smile.
Me: How are you?
He sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.
Derek: Still pissed.
Me: Kanti what exactly happened?
Derek: Apparently there was a lack of
blood flow in her brain, so there was a
poor supply of
oxygen.
Me: Yoh, but is she going to be fine?
He shrugs.
Derek: I don’t know all the details...
Me: When are you going back?
Derek: Angazi...
I sigh and sit up, so I can look at him
properly.
Me: Ngidi, I know you’re pissed as hell
right now, I know... However, this is the
one time you
need to be by your mother’s side.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Yes, they didn’t tell you earlier, but it
doesn’t change much. She needs you.
Derek: You think I should go back?
I nod.
Me: As mean as she is, she’s still your
mother and she loves you. Go and support
her.
Derek: Okay.
I get closer to his face and kiss him.
Me: You can go without me.
Derek: You don’t get it, do you?
Me: Get what?
Derek: I’ve become dependent on you.
Being around you has a positive effect on
me. I need you.
Me: Whoa.
He chuckles and kisses me.
Derek: Just knowing that you’re by my
side is enough to make me conquer the
world.
Me: Hmyghaad!
I kiss him again.
Me: Aren’t you a little a poet.
Derek: I’d turn into a construction worker
for you.
Me: And I’d turn into a prostitute for you.
Derek: What??
I laugh.
Me: For real...
He looks at me mischievously and quickly
stands.
Derek: I’ll be back.
He runs off like a little kid and leaves me
wondering what the hell he’s up to now.
Within minutes, he’s back next to me.
Me: And then?
He smiles and takes out 200 bucks.
Derek: Zip it, prosti...
I look at him in shock and laugh boldly.
Me: Are you kidding??
He chuckles.
Derek: 200 bucks for a blowjob.
Me: Uyahlanya. You think I’m going to
suck your dick for 200 bucks?
He takes out another 200.
Me: Hmm...
He throws it at me and I laugh.
Derek: Get to work, woman.
Me: Hehe...
He pulls me closer till my lips are
touching his. He tries kissing me, but I
close my mouth.
Derek: Sisi?
Me: Bhuti, you only paid for a blowjob, no
kisses... These lips are exclusive.
Derek: You’re too fucken expensive.
Me: Yep. I’ll show you why I’m costly.
He takes out another 100 and I smile
brightly.
Me: Perfect! Now, let me get to work.
We begin kissing and I channel my inner
hoe. Petty LaBelle is having the time of
her life right
now. She has always thrived in such
situations...
***
The following Sunday morning, I am
awakened by Derek’s usual awesome-
smelling food. I get
out of bed and make my way to the
lounge.
Me: Morning!
I think I’m in a good mood. Yes, I’m
definitely in a good mood.
I walk to him and wrap my arms around
him.
Me: Hey, sugar foot!
Derek: Someone’s in a good mood.
Me: Of course.
He chuckles and then kisses my forehead.
Derek: Slept well?
Me: Like a prostitute after getting paid!
He laughs and kisses me again.
Me: And you?
Derek: I didn’t know you were into role-
playing... You were really spectacular.
Me: I also didn’t know... You have ignited
something in me, buddy... My inner hoe
has
unleashed!
He laughs and continues dishing up.
Derek: Uyabheda wena.
Me: Need any help?
Derek: You can wash the dishes.
Me: Mxm.
I clean up and wash the dishes while he
finishes dishing up. When we’re done, we
go to the
lounge and sit.
Derek: My property developer called me
this morning.
Me: Really?
He nods and smiles.
Derek: We have 10 spaces that we can
choose from.
Me: Really?
Derek: Yep. We’ll start checking them out
from next week.
Me: You are such a doer... It’s admirable.
Derek: Don’t make me blush.
Just then, his phone rings, and he answers
it.
Derek: Dad... Yes, I’ll come today... Yes...
He sighs.
Derek: Okay, bye...
He hangs up and groans.
Me: Shame, he really needs you right now.
Derek: I feel sorry for the guy, he loves
the woman.
Me: You have to be there for him.
He grunts and focuses on his food.
Me: I wonder why your mom hates me so
much.
Derek: Mxm.
I realise that discussing his parents
frustrates him, so I shall stop. I don’t want
to deal with
grumpy Derek. We had such a fun-filled,
erotic night, that my body is still on
recovery mode, so I
will not ruin the good vibe.
Me: Anyway, I’d like to go to my parents’
house for dinner.
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Derek: That’s a good idea actually.
Me: Will you join me?
He nods and smiles.
Derek: I miss your mom.
Me: Cute.
He chuckles.
Derek: Stop hating on my relationship
with your mom. We love each other.
Me: You do realise that you sound creepy,
huh?
He laughs and we continue chatting while
eating...
***
That afternoon, I found myself
accompanying Nkanyezi to the hospital
again. The things we do
for love...
I’m pleasantly surprised to find everyone
there. As much as I hated to admit it, I
missed seeing
Derek’s crew.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
I chuckle as he walks to me and wraps his
arm around my shoulders.
Liwa: I’ve been informed that we are
currently not on your good books.
Me: Hmm, you don’t say...
He smiles.
Liwa: As a matter of fact, unlike the
others, I genuinely liked your food.
Me: Don’t patronise me, Mzinyathi.
He laughs and sighs.
Liwa: Okay, okay... I’m sorry.
Me: I forgive you.
He hugs me tightly.
Liwa; Now, please go talk to my wife.
She’s been whining about missing you.
Me: Has she, now?
He nods and I look over at Nomvuyo,
who’s sitting on a couch, looking like an
unbothered
goddess.
She looks at me and smiles.
Nomvuyo: So you forgive my husband,
but make me sweat?
Me: Ngithanda amadoda.
Nomvuyo: Ngizokulimaza ngoLiwa.
Me: Let’s take it outside...
She laughs as she stands and we share a
hug.
Nomvuyo: I’ve missed you so much.
I look at her in shock.
How and when did her belly grow so
much? Isn’t she like 2 days pregnant?
Nomvuyo: I’m getting fat.
Me: Hmm... Not as fat as me though.
She laughs and spanks my butt.
Me: Not in front of people, lover...
Nomvuyo: I’ve been suffering without
you...
We laugh and find everyone looking at us
oddly.
Dean: You two are strange.
Nomvuyo: Whatever.
Nolwazi emerges from out of nowhere
and smiles when she sees me.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi!
I push Nomvuyo aside and share a hug
with Nolwazi.
Me: Hey, Lwazi. How are you?
Nolwazi: I’m great, and you?
Me: Great, thanks.
Nomvuyo goes back to where she was
sitting.
I look at Joe, Gabi and Malusi.
Me: Hello.
Joe and Malusi greet me back.
Gabi: So we don’t get hugs? What kind of
bullshit is that?
I decide to laugh that comment off.
I’m not that comfortable around these
three. I haven’t really gotten to know
them properly.
Malusi ke yena, I genuinely have no
interest in being close to him. Gabi seems
so different to
me. I don’t know what we’d talk about if
we were left alone, and I don’t mean that
in a bad way.
She’s too perfect for a messy person like
me, so I’d rather keep the distance.
Liwa, Dean and Derek seem to have
disappeared. They must have gone to see
Khwezi.
Gabi: How is Khwezi?
Nomvuyo: She’s still not well.
Gabi: Poor thing. Strokes really are the
worst... Imagine having only one side of
your body
function.
I go and sit next to Nomvuyo on the
couch.
Nolwazi: I have to make a call... Please
excuse me.
She walks away.
Just then, I see the same woman from one
of our dinners, approach us. I think she’s
the one
linked to Malusi.
Gabi: Nandi!
Yes, Nandi, that’s her.
Nandi looks at all of us and smiles. She
seems like those quiet and sweet women
who mind
their own business. I wonder why Malusi
would even cheat on her. I’m glad she
divorced his
shady ass.
Nandi: Hello, everyone.
We all greet her back.
Nandi: Is everything okay?
Gabi: It seems like Khwezi is not getting
any better.
Nandi sighs and then walks to Malusi,
who wraps his arm around her. They
stare at each other.
Wowzer... Ezama-couple azingenwa
straight.
Nandi: How are you?
Malusi: I’m okay.
She nods and then looks at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: I thought you’d bring Lele.
Malusi: Why would we bring our
daughter to a hospital?
Oops! Someone’s in a crappy mood.
Nomvuyo: Excuse me?
Nandi looks at Malusi questioningly and
he groans.
Nandi: Want to get some fresh air?
He nods tightly and they walk out.
Gabi: These two confuse me.
Nomvuyo: Malusi is just a bitter man. He
must get over himself.
I decide not to say anything. I’m just
confused as to why they’re all lovey
dovey.
Nomvuyo seems genuinely annoyed now.
Gabi: Joey, let’s get some fresh air as well.
They walk out, hand in hand.
Nomvuyo: Fucken idiot.
Me: Relax...
She grunts.
Me: How’s the pregnancy treating you?
Nomvuyo: I have a feeling it’s going to be
a very very long ride.
I laugh and she sighs.
Me: Liwa must be treating you like an egg.
Nomvuyo: Uyamazi.
Derek, Dean and Liwa come back.
Liwa: Where did they go?
Me: Fresh air.
Liwa looks at Nomvuyo.
Liwa: You okay?
Me: Malusi snapped at her, now she’s
sulking.
Just then, someone clears their throat.
This person is behind Derek, Dean and
Liwa.
They all turn around...
As soon as I get a peak of the person, my
whole stomach churns.
Liwa: Busi?
Busi stands there, staring at Derek.
Busi: Hey.
I feel like I just got punched in the
stomach.
INSERT 101
You know, I try my best to be a kind and
loving person. I pay my taxes, I don’t
litter, and I don’t
do drugs...
Why do I constantly have to be put
through the most by the universe? My
relationship with the
universe is officially over. I don’t want
anything to do with such an abusive
entity.
Liwa: How are you, Busi?
Busi: I’m well, thanks.
I can’t seem to stop staring at her. I don’t
think I’ve ever hated anyone more.
Derek seems to be on the same page,
because his face says it all.
Liwa: What are you doing here?
Nomvuyo: Liwa, if you could just get me
some tea, the world would be a better
place.
I look at Nomvuyo, and I can’t help but
chuckle. I guess this is her way of saying
Liwa must
back off. Unfortunately, I don’t want him
to back off, because he seems to be the
one asking
pertinent questions at this moment.
Liwa: Uhm...
Nomvuyo: Tea... You were about to get me
tea...
Liwa: Okay.
He walks off like a little puppy.
Nomvuyo then sits back and stares at
Busi. The Resting Bitch Face is so intense,
that even I
feel the pressure! This one knows what
loyalty is! Yaas!
Busi: Uhm... Please show me where
Khwezi’s room is.
She’s looking at Derek.
Derek: Zi, let’s get some fresh air.
Me: Okay.
I stand and he puts out his hand for me to
hold. We then walk out holding hands. Is
it bad that I
don’t want to leave this bitch here? She’s
the one who should be leaving!
Anyway, we get outside and he looks at
me softly.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: I’m okay, Nkanyi. A bit confused, but
okay.
He smiles lightly.
Me: I’m not going to have a bitch fit, I
promise.
Derek: Hmm.
He wraps his arms around me and I smile.
Me: I’m okay, Derek.
Derek: I didn’t know she’d come.
Me: I know you didn’t know.
He exhales.
Derek: I’m sure Khwezi asked her to
come.
Me: Were they close?
He nods.
Me: Hmm, interesting.
Derek: They were definitely close...
He lets go of me and scratches his chin
thoughtfully,
Derek: Khwezi is probably trying to get to
you.
Me: It will take more than a lousy ex to
get rid of me. Your mother seems to
underestimate me.
He laughs lightly and I take his hand.
Me: As long as you and I are on the same
page, I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass what
happens.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Right back at ya, mate.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders
and we walk back inside, and find
Nomvuyo, Liwa and
Dean still there.
Dean: Why the fuck would you leave me
with her?
Liwa laughs.
Liwa: I personally had no choice but to
leave.
Nomvuyo: I don’t want you talking to that
woman. She is bad news.
Liwa: You are the master here, Vuvu.
What you say goes.
Nomvuyo looks at me softly.
Nomvuyo: I hope you’re not worked up,
because she is definitely not worth it.
Me: No, I’m okay.
Nomvuyo: Good. We don’t do well with
damaged goods.
Me: Well damn.
Dean: I just fail to understand why I was
left here with her.
Dean looks at me.
Dean: I’ve never liked her.
Me: Hmm.
Just then, Gabi, Joe, Malusi and Nandi
come back. They have three boxes of
pizza.
Gabi: We thought we’d get some food.
Me: Where’s Nolwazi?
Dean: She had to go. One of her friends
needs her.
Me: Okay.
As soon as the pizza is on the table,
everyone digs in.
Nandi comes to me and smiles.
Nandi: I haven’t had the chance to interact
with you properly, Ziyanda. How are you?
I smile. She’s sweet.
Me: I’m well, thanks.
She nods.
Nandi: How are things with Derek? I hear
you two get on like a house on fire.
Me: Really?
She nods and takes a bite of her pizza.
Me: We’re close.
Nandi: That’s nice.
Me: Hmm.
Nandi: I also hear that you don’t
particularly like my ex-husband?
I feel a tad embarrassed. I hope she won’t
go off on me, telling me to mind my own
business
and all that jazz.
Nandi: I also don’t like him.
I raise an eyebrow and she laughs.
Me: Really?
Nandi: He is quite an obnoxious man...
Me: Aren’t they all?
She laughs again and I join her. I’m glad
she’s cool.
As we’re chatting, Malusi walks to us and
they share a moment. I refuse to even
think it’s cute,
because Malusi is a cheating man. There’s
a very special place in hell for men who
cheat, more
especially husbands with kids. I have no
sympathy for them whatsoever. I don’t
care if this
makes me a Judgemental Judy... People
who carelessly ruin the families they’ve
built bug me. I
can’t with them.
Malusi then looks at me.
Nandi: I was just telling Ziyanda that I
don’t like you.
Malusi: I guess you both have something
in common.
Nandi laughs sweetly. She obviously likes
this man, while mina on the other hand I
genuinely
don’t.
Malusi: Ziyanda.
Me: Hi, Malusi.
He stares at me with a grin on his face.
Argh.
Nomvuyo: Zizi, I need some water!
She’s yelling from wherever she is. I’m
sure she can tell that I don’t want to be
where I currently
am.
I walk to her and she laughs quietly.
Nomvuyo: Go get me the water phela.
Me: Heyi sisi, you’re not disabled. Don’t
try me.
Nomvuyo: Is this the price of loyalty??
Disrespect??
Me: Gosh.
I walk away and try to find her bottled
water. My phone rings and I answer
without checking the
caller id.
Me: Hello?
Mom: Baby!
Me: Hello, sthandwa!
Mom: Kanti when are you coming? I’m
ready for you and Nkanyezi. I cooked up a
storm!
I laugh.
Me: I don’t think we’ll make it. Things
seem a bit tense and strange this side.
Mom: Eish is that woman still bad?
Me: Angazi, but it seems like it.
Mom: Unjani uDerek?
Me: He’s okay.
Mom: Okay ke sisi. I guess we’ll see you
some other time.
Me: I’m sorry.
Mom: No, it’s okay, love. You have to be
there for him.
Me: Alright then. Bye.
Mom: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I end the call and walk back to everyone. I
give Nomvuyo her water and she thanks
me.
Joe: We’re going to head out now... D,
you’ll let us know how things go?
Lol both Derek and Dean nod.
Gabi: I hope she gets better. I’ll keep her
in my thoughts.
Nandi: We’ll pray for her...
Derek: Thank you.
They say goodbye, and walk out.
Now, it’s just Derek, Dean, Liwa and
Nomvuyo here...
I wonder where Busi is.
Washo wavela uSathane.
She walks to where we are and looks at
Derek.
Busi: Derek, Mam’Khwezi would like to
see you.
Mam’Khwezi? Lolzer!
Derek: What does she want?
Busi raises and eyebrow and looks at
Derek disapprovingly.
Busi: Your mother has asked to see you.
She then looks at me.
Busi: Goodbye.
She walks off and disappears.
Gosh. I can’t deal, hey.
I look at Derek.
Me: I cancelled dinner with my parents.
Derek: Why?
Me: I thought-
Dean: You cancelled dinner with your
parents? Are you crazy?
Me: Excuse me?
Liwa: Why would you do that? You don’t
cancel on your parents.
Nomvuyo: Honestly.
Me: Excuse me, what’s happening?
Liwa: Derek, go check on Khwezi, and tell
Zimkitha we’re heading to Soweto.
Me: What?!
I look at all of them in shock.
Nomvuyo: God knows I’ve been craving a
wholesome meal all day...
She stands and Liwa gets her bag.
Dean: Let’s go.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa! What the hell is
going on??
Nomvuyo: We’re going to have dinner at
your parents’ house.
Me: Huh??
I look at Derek, and he frowns.
Liwa: Hurry up, Ngidi...
Listen, I’m dumbfounded right now.
Dean: I’ve been thinking about your dad’s
chicken futhi... Perfect timing...
What the hell just happened?
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini, call your mom and
tell her you have a few extra guests.
With that said, they all walk away. Derek
also leaves me there and goes to Khwezi’s
room.
Really??
INSERT 102
We’re now driving to Soweto...
Universe, why? Gosh, I definitely miss my
peaceful single days. Derek’s presence has
shifted
everything!
Derek: I’m sure you want to kill me.
Me: Hmm.
He chuckles.
Derek: Relax, baby. Your parents will love
my people.
Me: Mxm.
He brushes my hand and focuses on the
road. Dean is riding with Liwa and
Nomvuyo, and
they’re following us. I am beyond
annoyed.
After a while, we get to the house and I
know my mom is going to do the most,
because she
seemed excited when I told her that I
have three extra guests.
I open the gate for them and they park
their cars. They get out...
Liwa: I’m not a snob.
Dean: You’re most definitely a snob.
Me: Have you ever been to Soweto?
Liwa: I mean, I’ve been here a few times.
Nomvuyo: Lies.
Liwa: I won’t allow you people to paint
me in such a negative light.
Me: Wena Vuvu have you ever been here?
Nomvuyo laughs sweetly.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda, I’ve been around...
Liwa: Only because you chose to run
away.
Nomvuyo: Hai suka.
I chuckle and lead them in... Suddenly, our
house seems tiny with all these people
here.
My mom is in the kitchen. She squeals as
soon as she sees us.
Mom: Yoh!
I groan. Lord, can’t I just go chill by the
spaza around the corner? Dis tew murch.
Dean: Sawubona, ma.
I roll my eyes. He’s out here acting like
he’s my mom’s bestie.
Mom: Langelihle, how are you? It’s been
long.
Dean: I’m well, and you? We’ve been
busy...
Mom: Hmm, ngi-right.
Dean shares a hug with her and then she
looks at Derek with the biggest smile.
Mom: There he is!
Derek also smiles broadly.
Derek: Hello, ma.
Mom: I was so disappointed when Zizi
cancelled on me. I was looking forward to
seeing you.
Derek: We insisted on coming. You know
how she is.
They share a very long hug. *rolls eyes*
Mom: How’s your mother?
Derek goes on to give my mother a brief
summary.
Mom: Shame, we’ll keep her in our
prayers.
Derek: Thank you.
My mom then looks at Liwa and
Nomvuyo.
Mom: Haibo... Are you the third brother?
They all laugh happily. Yazi it’s a party...
Derek: This is Liwa.
Liwa pushes Derek aside and goes on to
hug my mom like he’s known her for
years.
Liwa: I’m Liwa. I’m so glad we’re finally
meeting.
Mom: Liwa... You all have such lovely
names. Your mothers did well.
Liwa: Indeed...
He looks at Nomvuyo.
Liwa: And this is my wife, Nomvuyo... She
is your daughter’s best friend.
My mom looks at Nomvuyo. I already
know that she’s going to go on about her
beauty.
Nomvuyo is a showstopper kaloku.
Mom: Waze wamuhle, Nomvuyo. You’re
beautiful!
Nomvuyo smiles sweetly and they share a
hug.
Nomvuyo: Hey, ma. I’m so happy to meet
you. I’ve heard a lot about you!
Mom: All of you are so good-looking!
Me: Wow... Coz I’m ugly, right?
My mom looks at me in shock ngathi she
even forgot I was here.
Me: Yep, I’m here.
They all laugh and she pulls me for a hug
and kiss.
Mom: Hello, sthandwa sami. My star
child!
Dean: Your star child needs to learn that
we don’t cancel on parents.
Mom: Oh, man... I’m sure she just wanted
to be there for Nkanyezi.
Me: I’m still here!
They laugh again. Once again, this kitchen
seems so congested with everyone here. I
want to
them to leave!
Mom: Anyway, you can go to the lounge
while I dish up... Derek can stay with me
here; I want us
to catch up.
Safa thina.
Me: Where’s dad?
Mom: He’s delivering chickens with his
personal assistant, Lwazi... They’ll be back
a bit later.
Dean: Is there some chicken left? I’d like a
few takeaways.
Liwa: Me too. I’ve heard some great
reviews.
Mom: Heeh! I’m sure he’ll be happy to
hear that.
I lead Dean, Liwa and Nomvuyo to the
lounge.
Nomvuyo: This is a cute house.
Me: By cute you mean tiny?
They laugh.
Nomvuyo: I’m serious. I’d love to live in a
small and intimate house.
Liwa: But, it’s not practical, considering
the size of our family.
Nomvuyo: That’s the only downside.
Dean: Good to know you consider us a
downside.
I chuckle and we sit on the couches.
Liwa: So, you grew up here?
I nod.
Liwa: Then how is it that you can’t cook?
Didn’t your mom teach you?
Nomvuyo: Liwa!
Me: Wow!
I stand and they laugh.
Me: I would cuss you out, but this is a
Christian house.
They continue laughing as I walk to the
kitchen. Derek is now helping my mother
dish up. As
bothered I am, I must admit that I find
them quite cute. My mom really has a soft
spot for
Derek. The guy has clearly won both of
our hearts.
Me: I’m hungry.
Mom: Give me 10 minutes.
I nod and walk out. I need some fresh air.
Again, my house is too tiny for these
people and their
enormous personalities.
As I get to the gate, I see Lwazi and my
dad approaching. Lwazi sees me and
sprints to me.
Me: Hey, baby!
Lwazi: Mommy!
We share a hug and she starts telling me
about her day with my dad. She seems to
enjoy this
assistant role of hers, and she’s taking it
very seriously. My dad eventually gets to
the gate, and
he chuckles.
Me: Hey, you.
Dad: Hello, Zizi, unjani?
Me: Ngiyaphila, wena?
Dad: Ngiyaphila. Are your people here?
Me: My people?
He chuckles and I groan.
Me: I’m quite overwhelmed.
Dad: They seem like a good bunch.
Me: Go and check them out, mina I’m tired
of them.
He laughs and walks in. I’ll chill by the
gate till I’m less overwhelmed.
Lwazi: Mommy, are you sleeping over?
Me: You want me to?
She nods excitedly and I chuckle.
Me: I’ll talk to Uncle D first.
Lwazi: We have to ask him for
permission?
I nod.
Lwazi: Why? He’s not your father.
I laugh. Trust Lwazi to channel her inner
feminist.
Me: I live with him, baby.
She sighs dramatically.
Lwazi: I don’t get it.
Me: You will once you’re my age.
Lwazi: Is he here?
Me: He’s inside.
She smiles excitedly and runs off. I guess
Derek is loved by these people...
My phone vibrates and I check the caller
id. It’s Zama...
I answer it.
Me: Lover.
Zama: Hey hey!
Me: What’s up?
Zama: I don’t think I’ll come to work
k’sasa. Can you pass on the message to
Derek?
I laugh and she joins me.
Me: Futsek wena, I’m not your post
woman!
She laughs and sighs.
Zama: I was just checking in.
Me: Unjani?
Zama: I’m okay, friend.
Me: Hmkay then.
Zama: See you tomorrow, Mrs. Ngidi!
Me: Faastsek!
She laughs as I hang up. Just then, I feel
Derek’s arms around my waist.
Me: I thought you forgot about me.
Derek: And I thought you ran away.
Me: Hmm.
I turn around and face him.
Derek: Food is ready.
Me: And are the introductions done?
He chuckles.
Derek: Yes, your dad is well-acquainted
with my people.
Me: Argh.
Derek: Don’t be a party pooper.
He takes my hand and leads me in. Yazi
you’d swear he’s the one who grew up
here.
When I get in, I find everyone eating.
Mom: Sisi, where did you disappear to?
Me: I was at the gate.
Mom: I thought you went to Niki.
Me: Nope.
I get my plate and sit next to Derek.
Mom: So, we’re discussing the proposal
you’re planning.
I look at Dean and he smiles. I’m still
shocked by how close I am with this one. I
hated his guts
at first phela... Now he’s sitting here
comfortably in my parents’ house, clearly
having a good
time.
Me: I’m still juggling a few ideas.
Liwa: Do you mind sharing?
I shake my head.
Derek: She’s adamant about not telling
anyone until she has a constructive plan.
Liwa: Is one week realistic though, Dean?
Dean: I trust Dlamini.
Dad: As long as the parents have been
informed, then I think all is all.
Dean nods.
Liwa: So, tell me about this chicken
business of yours...
My dad gladly tells him why and how he
developed that idea. The passion? Lol it’s
unmatched!
Once he’s done, they all look at each other
in awe.
Me: What’s wrong?
Dean chuckles.
Dean: He just sold his business to us...
Me: Oh.
These people are so dramatic.
Liwa: Would you be interested in opening
up an actual store?
Dad: That’s the goal.
Liwa: Hmm, I’m sure my boss mom would
agree to investing in you...
My dad looks at him excitedly.
Dad: Really?
Liwa: Of course... We’ll meet again to
discuss things properly. I’m thoroughly
impressed... I’ll
also need some free meat to serve as
testers.
Dad: I will dish up some takeaway... Not
free though.
Everyone laughs.
Hehe. Good for my dad. I trust that he will
handle things.
They continue chatting while I zone them
out and focus on my food.
Before I know it, there’s a knock on the
door.
Next thing I know, Zimkitha is also here.
Ya, Universe, when you come, you come
all the way through. Ndidikiwe.
INSERT 103
I’m sitting here wondering what the hell
is going on.
I even feel sick. Ngathi ngiqalwa yi-flu.
I’m even having a difficult time breathing,
that’s how overwhelmed I am. No, I’m not
being
dramatic. I genuinely feel overwhelmed
by all these people here.
I think Derek notices, because he asks me
to accompany him outside. I gladly stand
and follow
him. Everyone is having a good time, and
I’m happy for them...
We get outside and he looks at me
concernedly.
Derek: Ziyanda?
Me: I’m going to take a walk down the
street. I’ll be back.
He tries to say something, but I shake my
head.
Me: You don’t get it. My anxiety is
shooting up and I can’t control it. I’m not
angry, I’m anxious.
He looks at me intently and I can tell he
feels bad.
Me: Derek, I’m not angry.
Derek: Okay. Then let’s take the walk.
I sigh. I’d rather walk by myself, but I
know he’ll take it personally.
Me: Okay.
He takes my hand and we walk out of the
yard. It’s getting dark now...
Me: So, Zimkitha’s here...
Derek: Yep...
He looks at me.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay. They were going to have to
meet sooner or later.
Derek: They are quite overwhelming.
Me: Definitely...
As we continue walking and chatting, I’m
actually glad that he tagged along. I feel
much better
now. After a while, we get back to the
house and get in.
Hehe people are laughing and having a
good time. Kumnandi mos.
It seems like Zimkitha is recalling the time
she found out that Nomvuyo and Liwa
were secretly
in love with each other.
My mom is shocked, to say the least.
Mom: Why in the world would you two do
that??
Liwa chuckles while Nomvuyo looks
down ashamedly.
Liwa: We just fell in love... I don’t know...
Mom: I hope you gave them a good
beating, Zimi!
Zimi? Hehe must be so nice!
Lwazi is now in the bedroom, preparing
for her week...
They continue chatting about the Liwa
and Nomvuyo situation for a while...
Thereafter, they discuss marriage and
children.
It’s safe to say that they covered every
topic in the book. I’m not even shocked
that Zimkitha
and my mom are getting along. They have
similar personalities.
At around 8pm, we finish up and conclude
that it’s time for everyone to go their
separate ways.
Mom: It was so lovely meeting all of you.
Now I know who my baby is with when
she’s vanished.
They laugh.
Zimkitha: She’s a great person and she fits
right in.
Mom: She hasn’t shown you her overly
dramatic side?
Dean: Trust me, that’s the first thing we
learnt about her.
Me: Wow.
They laugh once again.
Derek: All the women in this group are
dramatic. It’s nothing new.
Mom: Hmm then we should meet the
other women as well.
Zimkitha: I’ll invite you over to my house.
Mom: We’d love that.
I stand and go to Lwazi’s bedroom and
find her sleeping. Everyone else goes
outside... I walk to
the bed and plant a kiss on her forehead.
As much as I want to wake her and give
her a
squeeze, I stop myself... I’m so happy that
now I get to see her at school. I think this
has to be
the best thing Derek has ever done for
me.
As I walk out of the bedroom, I feel a
sharp pain in my back, and I have to stand
still for a
second and re-evaluate.
What the fuck?
Derek walks in and smiles.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Ya.
We walk out and I rub my back. Clearly
I’ve been up and down today. I even feel
like I’m coming
down with the flu...
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: I need to sleep. My throat hurts, my
nose is also starting to do things, and my
whole body is
tired.
Derek: Ohhh look who’s sick now.
Me: Don’t come for me. Unlike you, I’m
not moaning and groaning;
Derek: Hmmmm.
Me: Whatever.
We get to where everyone is.
Zimktiha: Nisale kahle
Dad: Nihambe kahle.
Mom: It was such a pleasure getting to
know you all.
Liwa: We will definitely be seeing each
other again soon.
They all say goodbye to my parents and
then get in their cars.
Dean: I’ll see you tomorrow, Dlamini.
Me: Tomorrow?
He nods.
Dean: Some of us are not tied up from 8-5
at work.
Me: Argh whatever, evil man.
Liwa: Bye, Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Shap.
I wink at Nomvuyo and she winks back.
Zimkitha: Bye, sisi.
Me: Bye.
Zimkitha: Liwa, I’ll follow you ngoba I
don’t remember the route.
Liwa: Sure...
They say goodbye once again, and then
drive off.
Once it’s quiet, I let out a loud sigh and my
mom laughs.
Mom: Hawu shame mntanami.
Me: I’m exhausted now.
Derek wraps his arm around my
shoulders.
Derek: We should also get going.
Siyasebenza k’sasa
My dad chuckles.
Dad: Nina na.
Mom: Cute.
Me: I think I’ll come by during the week... I
just want to make sure that Lwazi is
settling in kahle
at school.
Mom: She would love that.
Me: And you have to make sure that she
does her homework.
Dad: You can’t tell us how to raise a child
phela... We have been doing this for 25
years.
Me: Well, excuse me then, lovely people.
They laugh.
Me: Nisale kahle ke.
Mom: Bye bye, baby.
Me: I think I’m coming down with the flu
now...
Dad: It’s all the fresh air you’ve been
getting this evening.
Me: Wow! Low blow!
He chuckles and I hug them.
Me: See you soon.
Mom: Shap baby.
Derek: Nisale kahle.
Mom: Bye bye, Nkanyi.
They share a hug.
Yep, she loves the guy, probably more
than me.
Derek and I get in the car and he drives
off.
Haibo, did Derek really spread his flu to
me? Why am I suddenly feeling so fluey?
Me: This is your entire fault.
Derek: I’m sorry.
I groan.
We then drive back home where I pass
out as soon as I’m medicated with Derek’s
medication...
I guess it’s my turn to be the baby...
***
The following morning, waking up was
such a mission. It seems like I developed
swine flu of
some sort.
Derek: You should stay at home.
Me: I can’t miss school.
Derek: I’m not asking you, Ziyanda.
I groan.
Derek: I have an important meeting now
at 9am. I’ll come back as soon as I’m done.
I groan again.
I’m not even being dramatic right now.
I’m in pain and it’s all because of this
man!
Derek: Baby, wake up so you can eat.
Me: I’m not hungry.
Derek: You have to eat, so you can take
these meds.
He pulls me up and looks at me
concernedly.
Me: I’ll have cereal.
Derek: I made breakfast.
I shake my head.
Me: I don’t have an appetite.
He sighs and nods.
Derek: Okay.
He walks out and I take out my phone and
dial Zama’s number. It rings for a while,
but she
eventually answers.
Zama: Girl? I’m in an Uber, what’s up?
Me: I’m not coming in today.
Zama: Yini? Are you okay?
Me: I’m sick.
Zama: What’s wrong?
I groan.
Me: I suddenly have full-blown flu.
Zama: Oh, man... Sorry, love. Why don’t
you go to the doctor?
Me: Ngizoya. I can’t afford to miss work
when we’ve just started the year.
Zama: True... Do you need me to give your
kids work?
Me: Yes, please. Just get the green file on
my shelf and you’ll find work for them.
Zama: Okay, love. Get well.
Me: Thank you.
Zama: So, is Mr. Principal also missing
school?
Me: Bye!
She laughs as I hang up.
Derek walks back with a bowl of cereal.
Me: Thanks.
He sits on the edge and watches me eat.
Me: You can go...
He sighs.
Derek: I’ll be back soon, okay?
Me: Okay.
He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: I’m sorry for making you sick.
Me: You make me sick, Ngidi!
He laughs and kisses me again as he
stands.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I just want him to hold me. As he walks
out, I want to stop him, but I stop myself.
***
I am suddenly awakened by my phone
ringing.
It’s Derek.
I answer sleepily.
Me: Hello?
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hey.
Derek: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m a bit better. My short breath is
better.
Derek: Okay... I thought I’d be done by
now, but I have another meeting.
Me: It’s okay.
Derek: I asked Dean to bring you some
meds...
Me: Okay.
Derek: But, I’ll be there in 2 hours tops,
okay?
Me: Okay.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up and go back to sleep.
I’m suddenly awakened by another phone
call and I hiss. Why can’t I sleep in peace?!
I grunt as I answer it.
Me: Hello?
Dean: Open the door.
Me: Huh?
Dean: Open the door.
I hang up and get out of bed angrily. I
make my way to the door and open it.
Me: Ufunani?
Dean: Futsek wena.
He pushes me aside and walks in.
Dean: You look horrible.
Me: Don’t you have a home and job?
Leave me the fuck alone!
He puts a plastic on the kitchen counter
and pours himself a glass of water.
Dean: Take these meds...
I take the plastic and put out everything
that’s there.
Me: I hate pills.
Dean: You’ll be strong...
As I take a bottle of medicine. Something
catches my eye, and I swear to God my
whole body
tenses up.
Me: Dean??
He looks at me coolly.
Dean: Yes?
Me: What the hell??
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: What the hell is this??
Dean: Pregnancy test.
I look at him in shock.
INSERT 104 (Couldn’t edit)
Me: Ungazongiphaphela wena. Who died
and made you a medical doctor?
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: You get a lousy PhD and a random Dr.
Title, and you think you can come here
and give me
unsolicited advice?
His eyes pop out and his jaw drops.
Dean: Take that back, Dlamini!
Me: No!
Dean: How dare you devalue my
doctorate?
Me: Go and shove your lousy doctorate up
your nosy ass!
Before I know it, I am wet. This idiot
threw his water at me.
Me: Dean!
Dean: Apologise.
Me: No!
He throws some more water and I take a
glass and throw it at him, but he manages
to duck. It
hits the fridge and breaks.
Me: Get out!
Dean: Zi-
Me: I’ll call the police!
Dean: Ziyanda!
Before I know it, Dean is leading me to the
lounge, and all I see is red.
Why is he giving me a pregnancy test?
Does he think I’m pregnant? Why? How?
I’m on panic mode at this point, and
there’s no turning back.
I keep hearing him say my name, but it’s
not helping. I feel like I’m drowning
forcefully.
I can’t be pregnant. Did the doctor
confirm this? Yes, she did... I’m not
pregnant. But why is
Dean doing this? Do I look pregnant? Do I
behave like a pregnant person?
My heart is pounding so fast, and my
vision is blurry. I’m now at the centre of
my anxiety attack.
I try to focus on something, something to
narrow my attention span...
The huge clock on the wall... Yes... That’s
what I’ll focus on...
Time... One second at a time... I count the
seconds... Okay, my vision is becoming
less burry by
the second... 60 seconds... 1 minute... It’s
11:27... 3 minutes till 11:30...
I take a deep breath...
Okay, my vision is clear now...
My heart though... It’s still pounding
hard... I need to take breaths in 5 second
intervals... Let me
time myself... I take a deep breath and
watch closely as the clock ticks... 5
seconds done...
Next... 1 minute has passed...
I’m okay...
I blink a couple of times.
I’m fine.
I take one last deep breath, and exhale
loudly.
I blink again.
Dean.
Yes, Dean... He’s here...
I clear my throat.
He looks like he has just seen a ghost.
Me: Dean.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Dean.
He snaps out of it.
Me: Please get me some water.
He quickly stands and comes back within
seconds with a glass of water. I drink half
of it.
Okay, now I’m back.
I’m okay.
Me: Dean.
Dean: What the fuck just happened?
I sigh.
Me: Hasn’t Derek told you about my
attacks?
He shakes his head lightly.
Dean: I didn’t know the extent.
He looks at me more softly.
Me: I’m okay.
Dean: I thought you were dying.
I chuckle.
Me: I get like that.
Dean: But, what triggers it?
Me: It can be anything from a pen not
working, to being told that I might be
pregnant.
He frowns.
Dean: Does the thought of pregnancy
really drive you that crazy?
Me: Yes!
Dean: But, why?
Me: Dean, I’m not ready!
Dean: But, can one ever be ready for
parenthood?
Me: Are you hearing yourself?
Parenthood?
He keeps quiet.
Me: Parenthood... Ziyanda... Parenthood...
Fucken Ziyanda Dlamini!
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Dean: You are a little coo coo, but I don’t
think you’re irreparable.
Me: Argh!
I stand and make my way to the balcony.
Yazi, iphelile kwaleyo-flu.
I stand there and take in the fresh air.
Dean: I apologise for triggering all of this.
Me: I don’t like what you did...
Dean: Can you hear me out for a sec? I’m
about to go off-script.
I roll my eyes and he laughs quietly. He
then rubs his chin thoughtfully.
Dean: I’m not going to lie, the first time I
met you, I wanted nothing to do with you.
I thought you
were a random girl that came to fuck up
my friend’s life... I wasn’t even willing to
get to know
you.
Me: Wow.
Dean: But, would you like to know when I
realised that you might not be that bad?
I don’t respond.
Dean: When Liwa and I came here and
found you with your swollen eyes... I think
you had your
first deep moment with Derek the night
before...
I try to recall that night. I think that’s
when Derek asked me what I want...
Dean: When Liwa told you about his
daughter, you engaged passionately with
him, and you two
discussed the pros and cons of teachers
letting students skip grades... Your
passion for
children amazed me. I don’t know, but it
was at that moment that I realised that
you might just
be the one...
I don’t know if he’s trying to butter me up
right now, but I’m feeling very buttered
up.
Dean: We’ve grown quite close, and I’m
being very honest when I tell you that I
trust you. I’ve
known a lot of people for many years, but
I can confidently say that I don’t trust or
even value
them as much as I do you... More than
anything, my relationship with you is
teaching me that
loyalty, love and trust are not solidified by
the number of years people have been in
each other’s
lives, but they’re solidified by the
emotional connection that transpires
between people, and
emotional connections can form within a
matter of seconds or minutes. There’s no
solid
timeline that illustrates when loyalty, love
and trust is developed.
Whoa.
Dean: You have no idea how much I value
you... Seeing how happy you make Derek,
makes me
value you more every single time I
interact with you, or I see the way you
look at each other, or
even when he calls me and tells me how
much you drive him crazy...
I smile.
Dean: I gained respect for you, and that’s
something I couldn’t control, even if I
wanted to...
He chuckles and sighs.
Dean: What I’m trying to say is this; I
understand that the development of your
relationship with
Derek can overwhelm you from time to
time, because we’re so used to building
such love-filled
relationships for years and years... It’s
unconventional to fall in love in days or
months...
However, the stress is not worth it...
I sigh.
I don’t know why Dean is trying to get me
all emotional.
Dean: You can’t live your life stressing
about such things. If it feels right, then
allow it to feel
right. The Universe works in mysterious
ways.
He scratches his chin thoughtfully and
then stares at me. We are silent for a
while.
Dean: Calm down, okay?
I nod lightly.
Dean: I’m hungry... Are you hungry?
Me: Yes.
Dean: Would you like me to prepare
something for you?
I nod and he opens up his arms.
Dean: You’re like the little sister I never
had. This shit is a fun and new experience
for me.
Me: You must stop teasing me.
Dean: Oh no, that will never happen.
That’s how I express my love. If I don’t
tease you, then you
should be worried.
Me: Wow.
We share a hug and walk back in.
Dean: I’ll get rid of the pregnancy test. I
was honestly just pulling your leg, and I
didn’t think
you’d have a panic attack.
Me: I’m not pregnant. The doctor even
confirmed it.
Dean: You really are a crazy bitch. You
should have seen how psycho you looked.
Me: Dean!
He laughs.
Dean: I kid, I kid...
Me: Let me take a shower while you clean
up this mess and cook for me like my
bitch.
Dean: Fuck off, lunatic.
Me: Argh!
I walk to the bedroom and leave him
there...
INSERT 105
Dean gave me medication that made me
pass out almost immediately after eating.
I must have dozed off for a while, because
when I wake up, I see Nkanyezi. He seems
to be
rearranging the closet.
I clear my throat and he instantly drops
some clothes and walks to the bed.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hey.
I missed him. I’m so used to spending my
days with him, and today felt really
strange without
him.
He bends and plants a kiss on my lips.
Me: I missed you.
He smiles and sits on the edge.
Derek: You have no idea how weird today
day was.
I smile.
Me: Did you check on my kids?
He nods.
Derek: Zama gave them work and I got
someone to supervise them throughout
the day.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Lwazi was worried sick.
I laugh.
Derek: She even came to my office to
question me.
Me: Are you serious?
He nods.
Derek: She’ll call you when she’s done
with her homework.
Me: Okay.
I sit up and give him a hug.
Derek: How are you feeling?
Me: A bit better.
Derek: But you don’t look better.
Me: Really??
He chuckles and nods.
Derek: I’m not convinced. I think you’re
lying because you want to go to work
tomorrow.
Me: I am going.
Derek: No, you’re not.
Me: Derek!
He shakes his head.
Derek: As a teacher, you know how
important it is to always be 100%
healthy. I’m taking you to
the doctor tomorrow. There’s only so
much these pharmacy pills can do for us.
We’re both
going to get vaccinated.
Me: Wow!
He leans closer to me and plants another
kiss.
Me: I want to shower. I feel icky.
Derek: Let me finish packing up this
closet.
Me: Hmkay...
He stands and I get back in the blanket
and watch as he finishes his task.
Me: Dean professed his love for me.
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: He went all poetic on me.
Derek: Really? Did you record him? That’s
rare.
I laugh and shake my heard.
Derek: You seem to bring out the softer
side of him.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: You did that with Nomvuyo as
well...
He turns and looks at me with a smile.
Derek: Clearly you bring out the best in
people.
Me: Aww!
He chuckles and continues.
Me: You also bring out the best in me.
Derek: I bring out the best in everyone.
I’m the shit.
Me: Hey, now!
We laugh. Derek’s calm vibe always has a
good effect on me. I guess with my
craziness, I need
someone like Derek, who’ll bring me back
down to earth. Not every moment in one’s
life has to
be hyper, you know?
We continue chatting until he finishes
packing the closet. Once he’s satisfied, he
asks me to
come. I get out of bed and walk to the
closet. It’s now divided, with his things on
one side, and
my things on the other side.
Derek: Our things shouldn’t get mixed up.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: I’ve also divided these drawers...
Me: Hmkay.
I really don’t think it’s that deep, but if it
makes him feel better, then good for him.
Derek: Now, let’s take that well-deserved
shower.
Me: Finally!
He chuckles and we walk to the
bathroom.
Me: No shower sex, please!
Derek: What? I love that shit.
Me: Derek I’m not skinny. Those positions
make me uncomfortable. You do not have
the
privilege to flip me around like a pancake.
I’m a very fat pancake.
He laughs.
Me: That shit is uncomfortable and the
cramps are torturous.
Derek: You get cramps?
Me: Yes!
He continues laughing.
Derek: Why didn’t you say this before?
Me: Because you seem to enjoy it. I’ve
been sucking it up all in the name of love.
Derek: Shame, baby. So you’ve been
suffering while I’m busy thinking you’re
having fun.
Me: Those moans are mostly because of
the pain I’m in when you’re busy twisting
me like a
damn pretzel.
He continues laughing.
Me: Look at you laughing at my pain.
Derek: I’m sorry, love.
Me: We can give each other head, but it
should end there. I caiin’t!
We get in the shower and he starts
cleaning me up.
Derek: I can’t be this close to you and not
have the desire to get in you.
Me: Hai Derek you’ll get in me once we’re
done showering. It’s only 15-20 minutes
yoh.
He laughs and shakes his head lightly.
Derek: You never cease to amaze me.
We eventually finish showering and I am
so thankful that no sex was had.
Me: I feel like going out...
He frowns.
Me: Let’s go watch a movie.
Derek: Uhm...
Me: Yes, let’s have a movie date.
Derek: You’re sick.
Me: I’m not disabled!
Derek: No, we’ll catch a movie once
you’ve healed. Your flu will worsen if we
go outside.
Me: Yoh, Derek, I left my dad in Soweto!
Derek: And I promised your dad that I’d
take care of you.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: No, put on your pjs. I’m going to
make us some soup.
Me: Soup? I don’t even like soup!
Derek: Well, too bad...
He wears his gown and walks out.
Me: I don’t like you right now!
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: Argh.
He disappears and I throw myself on the
bed...
As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m
blushing deep down. This man is so
invested in my
well-being. I am blessed bazalwane.
***
The following morning, I am awakened by
Derek.
As soon as I try to get out of bed, I am
overwhelmed by aches.
I don’t know what’s going on. My whole
body feels like it went through a dungeon
filled with
fire.
I squeal and Derek looks at me weirdly.
Me: Derek, I don’t know what the fuck is
going on!
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: My body is achy.
Derek: Is it too painful?
Me: I can’t describe the pain. It’s subtle,
but intense.
He sighs.
Derek: Wake up and get dressed.
Me: Why?
Derek: We’re going to the doctor.
I groan in frustration.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Okay!
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to
freshen up. He doesn’t even want me to
take a
shower.
***
It’s now around 10am and we’re heading
to the doctor.
I don’t know why I suddenly feel uneasy.
I dismiss this...
We get there and we are led to some
doctor. This one is different from the one
we had the last
time we were here.
Derek: I’ve put you under my medical aid.
Me: Huh?
He smiles.
Derek: You’re my dependent.
Me: Wow. How insulting.
He chuckles.
Me: I’m an independent woman. I don’t
depend on nobody.
He chuckles.
I don’t even have the energy to fight him.
She greets us and we greet back.
Doctor: So, what brings you here today?
Derek: Ziyanda?
They both look at me and I sigh heavily.
Me: I don’t know what’s going on. I think I
have flu.
Doctor: You think?
Me: I have the symptoms, but now my
body is also confusing me. I have aches all
over. It’s
unexplainable.
She nods slowly and starts questioning
me more.
Doctor: Alright then, I’ll have to take
samples of your blood and urine.
Me: Blood and urine? It can’t be that deep.
She chuckles.
Doctor: You’ll never know... I’d also like a
sample of your mucus, and we’ll also
conduct chest
x-ray.
Me: What??
Derek is also as shocked as I am.
Derek: Isn’t that too much?
The doctor shakes her head.
Doctor: All the symptoms you’ve
described for me indicate a possibility of
pneumonia.
Derek stands and gets me a glass of water.
He knows me too well.
I take it and drink it all.
Doctor: Don’t stress. Pneumonia is
curable.
Me: But it’s pneumonia!
She sighs.
Derek holds my hand and I groan. There’s
nothing I hate more than being sick. I hate
being in
pain.
Doctor: The chest X-ray will allow me to
check for changes in the lungs and to look
for other
causes of your symptoms. However, the
X-ray does not always show whether you
have
pneumonia, especially if it’s done when
you first get sick. The X-ray results will
suggest the type
of organism causing pneumonia...
I sigh.
Doctor: The reason I’m testing your
mucus is because you mentioned that you
have shortness
of breath.
Derek: And the urine test?
Doctor: This test can identify some
bacteria that cause pneumonia. This can
help guide
treatment if you have been officially
diagnosed with it.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Do you need some fresh air?
I shake my head.
Me: Just do what you have to... I’d like to
leave.
Doctor: Alright then... Give me a few
minutes...
***
I spent the rest of the day in bed.
I had called my mom and told her about
this pneumonia thing and she insisted on
coming over
and taking care of me...
At around 4pm, we got a call from the
doctor. She said she would push for the
tests to be
conducted immediately after we left...
My mom tagged along as we made our
way there.
We got in and sat down.
Mom: Is my daughter okay?
Doctor: The results came back...
She looks at me.
Doctor: You definitely have pneumonia.
I swear my heart sinks.
How??
Doctor: However, it doesn’t seem severe.
I’m glad you came here so soon.
I look at Derek.
I guess I have him to thank.
Doctor: It’s nothing antibiotics and over-
the-counter pain relievers can’t fix.
Me: Okay.
She sighs.
Doctor: And it is crucial for you to take
the medication religiously...
Me: Okay.
Doctor: Pregnancy puts you at risk for
developing pneumonia. It’s most
commonly bacterial in
origin.
She smiles.
I don’t know what’s happening.
What’s happening?
What’s going on?
What is she talking about?
Mom: Pregnancy?!
The doctor looks at me coolly.
Doctor: Yes, you’re pregnant. Were you
not aware?
Mom: Pregnant?!
They lost me at that point.
INSERT 106 (Unedited)
Mom: Ziyanda...
No, this can’t be. I can’t be pregnant.
Mom: Ziyanda... Baby, you have to wake
up.
Wake up?
I feel my mom’s hands on me and she
brushes my cheeks. Her hands are warm.
Mom: Yanda... Ngicela uvuke... It’s just you
and me in this room...
I open my eyes and blink a couple of
times.
Mom: Baby...
I feel the tears welling up.
Mom: Ziyanda, I need you to focus on
your breathing. Take a deep breath now...
I listen to her and do as I’m told.
Mom: I want your breaths to be deeper.
She takes a very deep breath and I also
take one. I feel like I’m suffocating.
I groan. I’m in pain. Why am I on the
floor? Did I pass out?
Mom: Let’s try to stand. You’ve been on
the floor for too long now.
She helps me stand and once I’m up, she
makes me sit on a chair.
Mom: Drink some water...
I shake my head. I feel like I just got hit by
the bus. I need to bury myself in my bed.
We stare at each other for a long time, and
I end up bursting out in tears.
Mom: Oh, baby...
She pulls me and wraps her arms around
me.
Mom: Shh...
She comforts me for the longest time, till
I’m calm.
She then wipes my tears and makes me
look at her.
Mom: Are you calm?
I nod lightly.
Mom: Let’s go home. You need to rest.
Just then, the door opens and I see Derek.
He looks worried.
Mom: Nkanyezi, do you mind driving us to
Soweto? I’d rather she sleep at home
tonight.
Derek: Oh...Uhm, sure...
He’s avoiding my eyes.
The doctor walks in as well.
Doctor: Can I have a word with you,
Ziyanda?
Mom: I don’t think this is the right time to
have constructive conversations. Ziyanda
will come
back once she has stabilized.
The doctor sighs and nods.
Doctor: I apologize for the inconvenience
caused.
Mom: Thanks... We’ll see you soon.
The doctor nods and walks out. My mom
then looks at me.
Mom: Baby, let’s go...
I stand and Derek gets my bag.
Derek: I’ve got her medication.
Mom: Alright.
We all walk out and make our way to
Derek’s car. I get in at the back and fall
asleep instantly.
After a while, I’m awakened by my mom’s
voice.
Mom: We’re here, sisi.
I sit up and blink a couple of times. My
chest is so closed off that I am struggling
to breath.
Me: My chest is painful.
Mom: The doctor gave us something for
that. Let’s get in...
She looks at Derek and sighs.
Mom: See you soon.
Derek: Okay.
She gets out of the car.
It’s silent for a long time. I can’t seem to
move.
Suddenly, he gets out of the car and
within seconds, he’s sitting next to me at
the back.
Derek: Please don’t hate me.
I look at him.
Me: Hate you?
Derek: I know you’re not happy about
this.
Me: I’m not.
He sighs and keeps quiet.
Me: I hate myself for being irresponsible.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’m on contraceptives. How am I
pregnant?
Derek: It seems like you were actually
pregnant that time we did the test.
Me: But, how?
He shrugs.
Derek: I don’t know...
I sigh and try not to cry all over again. The
thought of the future is now enough to
lead me to my
grave.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: I should get in... I’m not feeling well.
Derek: How long are you going to stay
here?
I shrug.
He scratches his head lightly and sighs.
Derek: Okay.
Me: Bye.
Derek: Bye.
We both get out and he watches as I walk
in...
***
It’s been two days since I was told that I’m
pregnant.
Yes, you are pregnant, Ziyanda.
I kept having nightmares, and my mom
ended up sleeping with me. She definitely
understands
why I’m behaving like this, so I don’t even
have to explain myself. This is why I’m
glad she was
there when the news broke out and that
she suggested that I come back home with
her.
My dad hasn’t said one word to me. My
mom mentioned that she told him. I don’t
know where
his head is at, but I think he’s just giving
me space to process it.
***
It’s now Thursday...
I wanted to go to work, but my mom
insisted that I stay.
She’s right. Seeing my kids would be very
triggering.
I’m so pissed at myself. How could I be so
irresponsible? I don’t want a baby. I don’t
want it.
That morning, Lwazi comes to my room.
Lwazi: Mommy.
I sigh.
Me: Yes, Lwazi?
She sits on the edge of my bed and looks
at me as I’m lying there.
Lwazi: I don’t like seeing you like this.
Me: I’m just sick, baby.
She gets closer to my face and plants a
kiss on my cheek.
Lwazi: Did Uncle D make you sad?
Me: Not at all. I’m just sick.
Lwazi: Okay.
Me: Are you ready for school?
She nods excitedly.
Me: Do you enjoy it there?
Lwazi: I love it!
Me: That’s great.
She goes on to tell me about her week,
and I end up smiling and laughing.
Oh, my Lwazi...Always ready to put a
smile on my face.
Just then, my mom walks in.
Mom: Lwazi, your transport if here. Woza.
Lwazi: Okay, ma!
She gives me another kiss.
Lwazi: Bye, mommy!
Me: Bye, baby.
She runs out of the room and my mom
chuckles.
Mom: She’s been going through a tough
time this week. Your bleakness rubbed off
on her.
Me: Hmm.
Mom: Let me walk her out... Go back to
sleep.
Me: Okay.
She closes the door and I go back to
sleep...
***
That Friday, I decided to get out of bed.
Well, it’s not like I had a choice... That
doctor insisted on seeing me for a
thorough check up.
I guess from now on I’m going to be
forced to do certain things all because I’m
carrying a
human...
Once I’m done getting ready, I walk to the
lounge, and I see Derek.
My heart drops.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since
Tuesday.
Derek: Hi.
Me: Hello, how are you?
Derek: Okay, and you?
Me: Okay.
Derek: How’s the pneumonia?
Me: I think it’s almost healed.
He nods lightly and stands.
My mom emerges and smiles.
Mom: We can go...
We all walk out and make our way to
Derek’s car. My mom gets in at the back
and I honestly
want to cuss. Anyway, I get in at the front
and Derek drives off.
They both chat throughout the drive
while I fall asleep. Sleeping has been my
coping
mechanism this entire week...
Eventually, we get there and we’re led to
the doctor’s office.
She smiles brightly as soon as she sees us.
Dr: How are you feeling, Ziyanda?
Me: I’m much better.
She goes on to ask me more questions
about the treatment...
Once she’s done, she looks at me intently.
Dr: Now, I’d like us to discuss your
pregnancy...
I nod lightly.
Dr: I would like to do a thorough check up
because you’ve gone so many weeks not
aware of
the pregnancy... I want to make sure that
the baby is okay so that we start following
necessary
procedures to ensure that all is well.
I nod.
Dr: Please give me a few minutes...
Mom: Okay, dear.
Dr. Modisa walks out.
Derek: Excuse me...
He stands and walks out as well.
My mom looks at me intently.
Mom: This is overwhelming for all of us,
baby...
I don’t say anything.
Mom: There’s nothing we can do at this
point. Don’t allow the anxiety to rule you.
Me: Easier said than done.
She sighs.
I need bubblegum to distract me. I get my
bag and as I look for my gum, I come
across a piece
of paper. I take it out and open it.
It read:
Dear Mommy,
I know you are sick but I think you are
sad. I hate seeing you sad because it
makes me sad too.
I wrote this letter to tell you that I love
you very much. You are the best mommy
in the whole
world. You loved me when no one else
did. You always take care of me and you
are very
beautiful. Thank you for everything you
have done for me. I love you.
From your daughter, Lwazi.
I don’t know when or how this letter was
slipped in my bag.
I’m now sobbing. I don’t know why, but
I’m sobbing.
Mom: Ziyanda?
I give her the letter and she reads it.
She sighs heavily and also wipes her
tears.
Mom: I don’t know what is going on... I
don’t know what God is trying to do, but
I’m not about to
question Him...
She looks at me and smiles.
Mom: I’m going to be a grandmother.
She sighs loudly and takes my hand.
Mom: Believe it or not, Lwazi has
prepared you for this role... You’ll make
an amazing mother.
Me: I’m not ready.
Mom: We all have to suck it up now.
I sigh.
Mom: Now, please find Nkanyezi...
I stand and walk out...
INSERT 107
I find Derek standing at the parking lot,
leaning against his car.
Me: Derek.
He looks at me.
Me: The doctor is ready...
He nods lightly and follows me as we walk
back inside. The doctor leads us into the
scanning
room and I sit on the reclining seat while
my mom and Derek sit on the chairs close
to me.
Doctor: According to the test results, you
are 8 weeks pregnant.
I keep quiet.
Mom: One would swear that you two have
been in each other’s lives forever...
Derek looks at me and I look at the doctor.
Doctor: I’d like us to have a look at the
progress of the fetus.
She looks at me intently. Why is staring at
me?
Mom: Zizi, vula phela...
Oh...
I recline my seat and expose my belly. It
seems the same to me. I’m chubby, so I
can’t see
anything different.
Anyway, she begins applying the gel thing
and I wince at how cold it is.
We wait for a few minutes as the monitor
loads. We eventually see the classic black
and white
background. She moves the probe
carefully.
She smiles.
Doctor: Well, lookie here...
We all stare at the monitor.
There it is...
Doctor: You are on the 8th week of your
pregnancy... This week is vital for the
brain
development of the fetus. The nerve cells
begin to branch out and connect with
each other. The
spinal cord also continues to develop.
Mom: I can see him growing...
Him?
Doctor: Are you hoping for a boy, ma?
Mom: Definitely. I’ve been surrounded by
too many girls.
They both laugh.
I glance at Derek and he is solely
concentrating on the screen.
Doctor: The facial features are also
beginning to grow... As you can see here,
there’s a hint of
the upper lip, the tip of the nose, and the
eyelids.
She moves the probe and everyone stares
at the monitor.
Mom: What about the limbs? I can see
that he is forming.
The doctor chuckles.
Doctor: “His” arms and legs are getting
longer, with the hands folding at the
wrists and elbows.
I zone them out. That’s the only way I’m
able to not pass out from the anxiety.
I go to my mental quiet and safe space
and get lost there.
It must have been a while, because I’m
brought back to reality by Derek clearing
his throat.
I blink a couple of times and look at him.
Derek: How big is the baby?
Doctor: Around 1.6cm, about the size of a
medium raspberry.
Derek: And how is Ziyanda’s body
adjusting?
She stares at me.
Doctor: At this point, you may have
started noticing certain changes in your
body. Your body
has already started to prepare for
breastfeeding, which causes your breasts
to appear larger
than normal. Your belly may be
expanding a little; however, you will not
start showing just yet.
Derek nods lightly.
Mom: Her breasts have definitely grown
bigger. That’s one thing I’ve observed this
past week.
Wow.
Derek: And what are the pregnancy
symptoms we should expect at this stage?
The doctor looks at me and smiles.
Doctor: Morning sickness with nausea,
headache, vomiting and dizziness are the
most
common. Having the symptoms of
morning sickness generally indicate a
healthy pregnancy.
However, it is also normal not to
experience these symptoms.
Derek nods.
Mom: I never got morning sickness.
Doctor: Lucky you!
They laugh happily. Derek seems serious.
I can’t read him.
Derek: Any other symptoms to look out
for?
Doctor: There’s the following: fatigue or
tiredness, bloating, constipation, frequent
urination,
heartburn, breast tenderness, shortness
of breath, increased appetite, nasal
congestion,
abdominal pains, insomnia, itchy legs,
hands and belly, backache.
She sighs.
Doctor: There are emotional changes as
well...
She looks at me softly and then focuses on
Derek again.
Doctor: Anxiety... Hormonal changes...
She then smiles.
Doctor: Would you like a copy of the
ultrasound?
Mom: Of course! I’ll create an album for
us...
Derek looks at her and smiles lightly.
Doctor: Alright then...
She wipes the gel and I fix my top.
Doctor: In the coming weeks, I’m going to
conduct a few tests. These will help
determine
whether your child has any worrying
conditions. Some are relatively simple
blood tests, while
others involve more invasive procedures.
Derek: Are these tests diagnostic?
Doctor: Many of these prenatal tests are
for screening, rather than diagnostic
purposes.
Screening tests give us a sense of your
risk for certain conditions. But only a
diagnostic test
can tell you accurately whether your baby
has a problem.
Derek nods.
Doctor: I’d like to draw some blood... I
need to know your blood type.
Additionally, I need to
assess your hormone levels and red and
white blood cell levels; to be sure you’re
normal. Your
blood will be screened for STDs, HIV, and
certain immunities.
I zone out again.
I can’t listen to this woman...
I feel my mom’s warm hand on mine.
I snap out of it.
Doctor: I’d like to do a pap smear to check
for infections and abnormalities. I’ll also
need your
pee sample. Just so you know, I’ll need
your pee every time we meet, so your
glucose and
protein levels can be monitored.
I nod absentmindedly.
Doctor: Alright then, let’s get to it.
She smiles warmly as Derek and my mom
walk out...
***
It’s now 12pm, and I feel very lightheaded
as we walk out and make our way to the
car.
Mom: I have to rush off to work... They
need me for something.
Derek: I’ll give you a lift.
Mom: No, no, baby. I’ll take a taxi.
With that said, she gives me a hug and
Derek as well.
Mom: Bye bye.
She winks at Derek.
Derek: Bye.
She walks off.
Well, that was random.
Derek: Are you hungry?
Me: Yes.
We get in the car and he drives off.
Now that I’ve been told about these
symptoms, it seems like I’m more aware
of them. I feel
sick. Maybe it’s all in the mind...
We get to Mike’s Kitchen and get a table.
I look through the menu and feel
conflicted. I want to have a burger, yet I
also want 10 other
things. I’m just a walking, confused, sick
zombie.
I settle for a burger and chips.
We sit in silence for a long time, both of us
on our phones. I’m too drained to engage
in
conversation.
Derek excuses himself to go to the
bathroom.
My phone rings and it’s Nomvuyo. I
ignore the call and switch off my phone.
He comes back and sits.
Me: Did you tell your friends?
Derek: No.
I nod lightly and we’re silent once again.
Eventually, our food is brought and I
focus on my burger.
After a few bites, I feel disgusted.
I’m confused. Before going to the doctor, I
was perfectly fine. What’s going on?
Me: I’m not feeling well.
He looks at me sharply.
Derek: What’s wrong?
I groan and stand.
Me: Need the bathroom.
I walk away and go to the bathroom. I
stand by the window and get some fresh
air. Seconds
later, the door opens and Derek steps in.
Derek: Ziyanda, what’s wrong?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this.
He sighs and looks at me concernedly.
Derek: Do you want to go back to the
doctor?
I shake my head.
Me: Just feeling nauseous.
We stand in silence, him staring at me,
while I’m just looking out the window.
After a few minutes, I feel better. We walk
back to our table and I ask for more
water.
He pushes his plate aside and I look at
him questioningly.
Derek: Lost my appetite.
I look at both of our plates.
My burger looks disgusting... His chicken
looks appealing.
Me: Can I have some?
Before he nods, I’m already pulling his
plate and delving in. This seems edible...
Yes, it’s most
definitely better than the burger, which
Derek has taken and seems to be
enjoying.
We look at each other, and end up smiling
lightly.
Derek: Better?
I nod.
We eat in silence...
Once we’re done, he pays the bill and we
make our way out.
We get in the car.
Derek: Am I taking you to Soweto?
I shake my head and lower my seat.
He smiles and starts driving, while I take
a nap.
INSERT 108
The following day, I wake up at 10am and
go straight to the bathroom to take a
shower.
Once I’m done, I find Derek sitting on the
bed with his laptop.
He looks at me strangely and
questioningly.
Me: I’m seeing Melinda.
Derek: Oh.
I finish getting dressed and walk to the
kitchen to get some water.
Derek: Would you like me to drive you
there?
Me: My Uber is 3 minutes away.
He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he walks
away and disappears.
I get my bag and make my way out...
***
Melinda: You’re pregnant?
She looks at me in disbelief and I sigh
heavily.
Melinda: Oh, Ziyanda...
I burst out in tears and she gives me my
box of tissues. She knows that when I get
like this, she
needs to be quiet and let me get the tears
out of my system.
After a while, I’m done crying. I wipe my
tears and sigh loudly.
Me: I can feel myself sinking... I feel it, this
is going to be the worst 7 months of my
life, and
once this baby is born, things will never
be the same again.
She nods lightly.
Me: I’m not ready! I don’t want to have
this baby, Melinda!
Melinda: Why are you so adamant?
Me: I’m not ready. I won’t make a good
mom. I already struggle with dealing with
myself, how
am I going to take care of someone else
for the rest of my life?
She nods.
Me: I won’t make a good mother.
Melinda: Why do you say that?
Me: I suffer from depression. Every day, I
have to try to convince myself to even get
out of bed.
People see me smiling and laughing, but
they don’t understand what I go through
in my mind on
a daily. There are days when I want to
curl up and die. 70% of my life consists of
such days,
Melinda.
She sighs.
Me: How am I supposed to take care of a
baby when I don’t fully believe that life is
worth living?
I wipe my tears.
Me: I’m not 100% stable. I don’t have
control of myself. What kind of a life is
that?
Melinda: You’re being too hard on
yourself. You’ve made a lot of progress, Zi.
Me: But the progress is not enough,
Melinda. At this moment, I genuinely
don’t want to be alive.
She looks at me softly.
Me: And as much as the people in my life
say they understand, in all honesty, they
don’t. They
don’t know how it’s like to constantly feel
like shit... To constantly convince myself
that life is
worth living. They don’t get it. It’s easy for
them to label me as dramatic or cold-
heated, but they
don’t understand that that’s my coping
mechanism. They understand, but only to
a certain
extent.
She nods.
Me: This pregnancy has thrown me off. It
has taken me 100 steps back. I’m
miserable.
Melinda: How is Derek?
Me: He’s happy. He wants this baby.
Melinda: Has he expressed his happiness?
Me: He’s hiding it.
Melinda: Because he doesn’t want to seem
insensitive?
I nod.
Me: I’m just angry that I put myself in this
position. I should have been more
responsible.
She nods.
Me: Derek’s mother hates me. So, this
child won’t be welcomed by her.
Melinda: And does that affect you?
Me: I don’t know why she hates me. I
haven’t done anything to her. She makes
me feel like I’m
some disgusting piece of shit.
Melinda: And Derek knows about this?
I nod.
Me: He’s been supportive about that
situation.
Melinda: And what about your mental
illness?
Me: You know how it goes, Melinda...
People say they understand, but they
don’t... And it seems
like you’re crazy and unfair when you’re
battling with this shit.
Melinda: It takes time for loved ones to
fully get it, but they do after a while.
Me: Derek is doing well so far...
She nods.
Me: Now, this pregnancy is also going to
disrupt my moods.
She smiles.
Melinda: It’s just going to add on to what
is already a chaotic pool of moods...
Me: Exactly...
We sit in silence for a while...
Melinda: You’re going through a lot,
Ziyanda...
I keep quiet.
Melinda: Our main focus at this point in
time should be your mental health.
Thereafter, we’ll
deal with Derek... You will not be able to
work on your relationship with him if
you’re not stable. I
want us to go back to the drawing board,
to ensure that you live a happy life.
Me: “Happy”
She chuckles.
Melinda: Yes, “Happy.”
I sigh.
Melinda: So, now we go back to basics...
We celebrate getting out of bed; we
celebrate taking a
shower... Every small action is a
milestone...
I nod.
Melinda: We need to go back to basics...
Me: Okay.
Melinda: How’s mommy?
Me: She’s beyond excited.
She smiles.
Me: Thank God she was there when I
found out.
I begin telling her how I found out...
Melinda: That’s crazy.
Me: Yep.
Melinda: We’ll see each other weekly
now.
Me: Definitely.
She nods and we continue chatting...
***
When I get to the apartment, I’m shocked
to find the furniture in the lounge
rearranged.
Derek is busy doing something electronic-
related...
Me: I’m back.
He looks at me and nods lightly.
I then walk to the bedroom and throw
myself on the bed...
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Dean.
Shit.
The proposal.
I answer it hurriedly.
Me: Hello.
Dean: Wow, how is Nolwazi not my fiance
right now?
I try to say something, but I feel defeated.
Dean: I’ve extended your deadline to next
week. Don’t fuck with me, Dlamini.
I sigh as he hangs up.
I then go to the bathroom and take a very
long shower. I’d appreciate a bath
though...
Once I’m done, I get dressed in my pjs,
despite it being 2pm.
When I walk to the lounge, Derek seems
to be done with whatever he was doing.
He’s sitting on
the couch, watching tennis. I get myself
some water and then sit. It seems like he
was installing
a different router...
Me: Dean called.
He looks at me.
Me: Did you tell him to back off?
Derek: I just asked him to postpone.
I nod and we focus on the TV.
We’ve been sitting here for close to an
hour. I’m restless... I stand and go to the
kitchen to get
more water. Derek walks to me.
I look at him.
Derek: Come here for a sec.
I take a few steps and get to him, and he
wraps his arms around me.
We stand there for a while.
Derek: I don’t want to lose you.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: Ziyanda, I don’t want to lose you.
I try to say something, but words fail me.
He pulls me closer and my body tenses up
against his.
Derek: Please let me in...
He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: Don’t shut me out, please...
He trails kisses down to my lips.
Derek: I love you and I need you. Don’t
push me away. I want to be here for you.
I look at him.
We are silent for a while. He’s looking at
me pleadingly.
Derek: I’d like to use one of the tools... The
Empathy Tool...
He lowers his head and I feel his lips on
my ear. At this point, I’m practically
holding on to him
for balance.
Derek: If you were in my shoes, what
would you do?
He plants a kiss on ear and then looks at
me. I get lost in his eyes for a while.
Derek: Baby.
I sigh.
Me: I’d use my Patience Tool.
He smiles and chuckles.
Derek: Touché...
He tightens his hold on me and I feel his
lips by my ear again.
Derek: I love you.
He plants a kiss.
I didn’t even realise that I was crying at
this point.
Me: I love you too, Derek.
He tightens his hold on me even more and
buries his head in my neck.
We stand there for the longest time.
Eventually, he looks at me and smiles.
Derek: Movie date?
Me: Gosh, finally.
He laughs quietly and plants a kiss on my
lips.
INSERT 109
We’re now at a restaurant, having dinner,
after watching the movie.
Derek: You’ve just made me watch a
corny movie.
Me: Stop complaining. It was a good
movie.
Derek: About a surrogate who ends up
being obsessed with the man she’s
carrying the child
for?
Me: Whatever.
We get our food and begin eating.
Derek: So, Dean called you?
I nod.
Me: I completely forgot about the
proposal.
Derek: It’s been a rough week.
He smiles lightly and I sigh.
Derek: Are you going back to work on
Monday?
Me: Why wouldn’t I?
Derek: I’m just asking...
I sigh.
Me: I want to go back.
Derek: Are you sure?
Me: Derek.
Derek: Okay.
We focus on our food and eat in silence. I
prefer sitting in silence lately.
My dessert arrives and I delve in.
Derek: Can I have some?
Me: No, get your own.
Derek: Wow!
Me: What?
Derek: So, it’s okay for you to practically
eat all of my food, but I can’t do the same?
Me: What’s yours is ours, and what’s mine
is mine.
He chuckles and shakes his head. He calls
the waiter and order malva pudding with
custard.
Derek: Don’t even think of touching my
dessert.
Me: Surely you wouldn’t want your child
to starve...
He tries to say something, but I think I
made him speechless.
He chuckles.
Derek: I don’t know how to respond to
that.
I smile innocently.
Just then, his phone rings and he answers.
Derek: Zimkitha?... Uh-huh... No, we won’t
be able to make it... Okay...Bye...
He hangs up and looks at me.
Derek: She’s hosting brunch tomorrow
and she wants us to come.
I sigh.
Derek: We won’t go.
Me: Thanks.
The last thing I want is to be around those
people. I’d like to stay in bed and get my
mind and
body ready for work for the day after
tomorrow.
Derek: Zi?
I snap out of it.
Derek: I was asking if you would like
some malva.
I didn’t even realise that it had arrived. I
look at it and it actually looks delicious.
Me: Yes, please.
He pushes the plate towards me and I eat
some.
Me: Are you a baker?
Derek: I haven’t really mastered baking.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: I’ll learn...
Me: Hmm.
My phone rings and I check the caller id.
It’s Niki. As much as I miss her, I
genuinely don’t want
to talk to her.
Derek: Aren’t you going to answer it?
Me: I’ll call her when we get back home.
He smiles.
Me: What?
Derek: I love hearing you refer to our
place as home.
Me: Corny man.
He chuckles and we finish up his dessert.
Once we’re done, we make our way out of
the
restaurant.
***
Once I’m in bed, I call Niki back and she
answers after a while.
Niki: Wow, 3 hours later?
Me: Sorry, I was out with Derek.
Niki: Oh okay.
Me: What’s up?
Niki: Dude, I think I’m in the same
position as you!
Me: In terms of what?
Niki: Dealing with an evil monster-in-law.
Me: What??
Niki: Heyiii! Kwani and I were at his place,
when his mother pitched out of nowhere!
Me: And??
Niki: Zi, that woman is beyond hectic!
I gasp.
Niki: She’s huge, first of all!
Me: What did she say?
Niki: She came in there and asked why
Kwanele hasn’t been checking on her,
because yena she
is sick.
Me: And then?
Niki: Then I walked in and she saw me.
Heyiii! The woman went crazy.
Me: Lies.
Niki: She went on to accuse me of creating
the distance between yena and her son.
Me: Wow.
Niki laughs.
Niki: I’m in disbelief, I tell you.
Me: So, uKwanele yena? What did he say
or do?
Niki: Thank God he defended me. He
kicked her out.
Me: Good for you.
Niki: Hai phela we would have a problem
if he didn’t feel the need to check her.
Me: Yoh, that’s exactly what happened
with me. How crazy!
Niki: You have to give me tips. How am I
supposed to deal with a psycho future
mother-in-law?
Me: Future mother-in-law? Whatchu
talkin’ ‘bout? You’re going to marry
Kwani?
We both laugh.
Niki: I’m not about to fight a crazy mother
for fun. I don’t have time to waste.
Me: Hehe! Wena na!
Niki: Anyway, how are you? You sound
offish.
Me: Eish it’s been a rough week.
Niki: What’s wrong?
Me: We’ll discuss everything when we
meet.
Niki: Yoh, alright then.
Derek walks in and gets in bed.
Me: Shap ke.
Niki: Bye, friend. Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up and put my phone aside.
I take my book and read for a while...
Derek: How is Niki?
Me: She’s okay, just stressed about
Kwanele’s mother.
Derek: Really? How is she?
Me: Apparently she’s just like Khwezi.
He is quiet for a couple of seconds, and
then burst out in laughter.
Derek: Mxm.
Me: I’m serious.
I summarise what Niki told me and he
continues laughing.
Derek: So my mother is not the only crazy
one?
Me: Clearly.
He sighs and shakes his head.
Derek: Fucked up...
I put my book aside and switch off my
side lamp. Derek then pulls me closer to
him till our
faces touch.
Derek: I’ve missed you.
I sigh.
Derek: It’s okay, you don’t have to say
anything. I’ll speak to myself until you get
better.
I stifle a laugh.
Derek: You were also patient with me
after that whole Busi thing... I guess it’s
my shift.
I chuckle and get comfortable in his arms.
Derek: Good night.
Me: Night.
He kisses my forehead and I eventually
drift off into a weird, but peaceful sleep.
***
The following morning, Derek is not in
bed. I’m sure he’s working on breakfast as
usual...
I doze off again.
When I wake up again and check the time,
it’s around 11am. Whoa.
I sit on the bed for a while, trying to
gather my thoughts. I had such weird
dreams and they
made absolutely no sense. Thankfully, I
don’t feel sick anymore. I feel like myself
again. Yes, I’m
not 100% emotionally, but I’m much
better... I wonder what changed...
Derek walks in and smiles.
Maybe it’s this one’s presence.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Hey.
He walks to me and plants a kiss on my
lips and I groan. I always tell him not to
kiss me when I
haven’t brushed my teeth. I feel like that’s
what white people do. It’s nasty.
Derek: Want to shower first or have
breakfast first?
Me: Brush my teeth.
He laughs and nods.
Derek: Hmkay then.
I stand and walk to the bathroom. Once
I’m done, I get his gown and go to the
lounge.
Me: And then??
I’m stunned to say the least.
He rearranged the whole space. There’s a
blanket and cushions in the middle of the
space, with
two of those square wooden crates used
for picnics as “tables.”
Derek: So, remember the gift you made
for my birthday with the different dates
we should have
monthly?
I nod.
Derek: I loved August... The card said we
should have an indoor picnic.
He takes my hand and leads me to the set
up.
Me: Did you set this up?
Derek: Duuh.
I smile.
Me: This is cute.
Derek: Cute?
He looks at me disapprovingly.
Me: Divine? Enchanting?
Derek: Much better.
He makes me sit.
Derek: At first I took out a bottle of wine,
and then I remembered that... Uhm...
He coughs uncomfortably and I roll my
eyes.
Me: Water is fine.
Derek: We also have juice. I know you
don’t really drink much of it...
Me: It’s okay.
He nods and walks off.
I look around in amazement. When did he
set this up?
After a while, he comes back with two
trays filled with finger foods. He puts
them on the table
and walks off again to fetch two more
trays that had fruit. He walks off again
and comes back
with a jar of water and juice.
He sits opposite me and smiles.
Derek: Dig in.
Me: Derek, this is beautiful.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Anything for you.
Me: Can I get a hug?
Derek: Hmm.
Me: Argh.
I stand and then pull him up and wrap my
arms around him.
I bury my face in his chest and take in his
scent.
We stand there for a long time.
I’m sobbing.
Why am I sobbing?
Derek holds me tighter and I feel his face
on mine.
We stand there for a while. I take a deep
breath.
Me: Sorry.
Derek: It’s okay.
Me: No, I’m sorry...
I look at him and sigh.
Me: I’m overwhelmed.
Derek: I understand.
Me: Do you, really?
He sighs and stares at me.
Derek: I wouldn’t be here if I don’t. I
understand, and somehow, I love you
even more.
I groan and he chuckles.
Derek: I’m here to stay... I know you think
no one understands you, but I do. Like
I’ve said before,
getting to know you is complicated. You
have a lot of layers... just like me...
He tightens his hold on me and kisses me.
Derek: I guess the reason I’m so patient is
because, in a way, you’re a reflection of
me... I also
have my dark layers and I trust that you
will be as patient, when you peel them off
bit by bit.
Me: I love you.
Derek: And I love you as well. I’m not
going anywhere.
Me: Okay.
He wipes my tears and plants a kiss on my
lips.
Me: More.
He chuckles as we kiss again, more
intensely. Once we’re done, we sit down
again and begin to
eat.
Me: So... We’re having a baby, huh?
He looks at me carefully.
Me: Go ahead...
He smiles broadly and I groan.
Me: I’m surprised you managed to hide
your joy for so long...
He laughs.
Me: You’re going to be a dad, Star.
Derek: The best fucken dad!
I chuckle as I listen to him continue telling
me how excited he is. I try not to give in to
the
anxiety...
INSERT 111 (Short insert)
It’s been a good five minutes.
Dean has been laughing since then...
You know when someone laughs at you
till you want to burst out in tears? For a
split second,
that’s how I felt, but then I remembered
that this is Dean, and Dean is a dick.
Derek: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Dean rubs his belly and sighs happily.
Dean: You made my night.
He stands and goes to the kitchen and
comes back with a glass of water. He sits
and looks at
Ngidi and me.
Dean: So, you’re going to be parents, huh?
Derek: And what’s so funny about that?
Dean: Nothing... It’s just...
He looks at me with a smirk.
Dean: Unexpected.
He chuckles and drinks his water.
Derek: Are you done here? I think it’s time
you leave.
Dean: Alright Sensitive Susie. Do you need
a tampon as well?
Derek chuckles.
Derek: Bye, Catherine.
Catherine smiles and nods.
Catherine: Thank you for having me.
She packs her shit up and walks out.
Dean stands and looks at me.
Dean: Congratulations.
I cross my arms and look at him angrily.
Derek: This stays here.
Dean: You don’t want the others to know?
Me: No!
Dean: Relax, tiger.
Derek: We’d like to keep this between us
for now.
Dean nods.
Dean: Alright then, I’ll see you idiots soon.
He opens up his arms for me and I growl.
Me: Go away.
He chuckles as he walks away.
Dean: Congrats!
He walks out and Derek looks at me
amusingly.
Derek: And then?
Me: I didn’t mean to blurt it out.
Derek: I’m not complaining. Hearing you
say you’re pregnant made me feel some
type of way.
Me: Really?
He steps closer to me and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: Yep.
His face touches mine and he plants a soft
kiss. I moan and feel him smile.
Derek: Are you craving me as much I’m
craving you?
I nod.
At this point, I want him to help me let out
all these crazy emotions in me.
I tighten my hold on him and we find
ourselves on that couch.
I guess we don’t have to stress about
condoms anymore, seeing as that bridge
has been
burned...
All Derek kept asking me as he pounded
in me was for me to let him in... He felt a
slight
disconnect, and wanted me to let him in.
I did let him in, and that resulted in lots
and lots of squirting...
I’m sure he feels included now... and this
damn couch as well...
***
The following morning, I am awakened by
Derek’s arms around me.
I feel suffocated.
I break free from his hold and go to the
bathroom, where I vomit.
I’m not a vomiter. Why am I suddenly
vomiting?
Then it hits me... I’m pregnant.
I sit on the toilet and gather my thoughts.
After a while, I brush my teeth and get in
the shower.
Minutes later, Derek walks in the shower
and yawns.
Derek: Morning, baby.
Me: Hey.
He pulls me for a hug and then kisses my
cheek. We clean ourselves up in silence
and then he
looks at me.
Me: What?
He smiles innocently and shakes his head.
Me: Ohho.
Derek: Can I touch your belly?
Me: It’s still the same. Nothing has
changed.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Go ahead...
He steps closer and makes me turn
around so that my back is on him. He then
wraps his arms
around me and his hands cover my belly. I
feel his lips on my ear.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Derek: You’re going to make an amazing
mother.
Me: Really?
He kisses my ear and we stand there for a
while without saying anything.
Derek: You’re selfless...
Me: I am?
He nods.
Derek: You’re selfless in your own special
way.
I giggle.
Me: I feel like you’re throwing shade at
me.
Derek: I’m not, baby.
Me: So what do you mean?
Derek: Your love is endless in a way...You
help people whole-heartedly.
Me: But I’m selfless with certain people.
Derek: And that is why I love you... You
know when to draw the line.
He brushes my belly.
Derek: You don’t allow anyone to take
advantage of you. You know how precious
your love is,
therefore, you protect yourself.
I try to turn around and face him, but he
stops me.
Me: I wanna look at you!
Derek: I’m still telling my baby about his
mother.
Me: His?
He chuckles.
Me: Wow.
Derek: Now, as I was saying, you’re going
to make an amazing mother...
Me: Hmm.
Derek: This child will be treated very well.
Me: And you’re going to spoil it.
Derek: Don’t refer to my child as “it.”
Me: Derek, we don’t know the gender.
Stop being dramatic.
Derek: I don’t give a shit. My baby is not
an object.
Me: Gosh.
He kisses my ear.
Derek: But, I’m sure he’ll be stubborn...
Like you...
I chuckle.
Derek: But he’ll definitely be a cutie... I
mean, look at us.
I laugh.
Me: Derek, we’re wasting water.
Derek: Mxm.
He begins planting soft kisses on my
shoulders and neck. His hands begin
exploring my body...
He massages my breasts and groans.
Derek: I did notice a change here.
Me: Really?
He nods.
I growl as he continues massaging me and
making his way down...
Me: Yoh, Derek...
He chuckles.
Derek: Ready for some thrilling shower
sex?
Me: Hmm...
***
As we make our way to work, I receive a
message.
I read it.
Dean: Pregnant woman, when are you
sending out the invite to my people?
I roll my eyes.
Me: I have a name.
Dean: Pregnant woman?
Me: Dean!
He sends laughing emojis.
Dean: I’ve been laughing since yesterday...
I need a good 5 minutes with you so I can
laugh to
your face properly.
Me: I don’t have time for this...
Dean: Have a good day, preggie girl.
Argh, I switch off my phone and grunt.
Derek glances at me.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Ya...
He focuses on the road...
Eventually, we get to school and go our
separate ways as usual.
***
At around 12pm, there’s a knock on my
door, while I’m teaching.
Some man comes in, carrying a large
bouquet of flowers.
My kids all squeal excitedly.
Me: And then?
Man: Hi, Ms Dlamini, I have a delivery for
you.
Gosh, this has Derek written all over it,
but he knows I’m not into flowers because
of my
sinuses.
Me: Thanks.
I take the bouquet and sign. He walks out
and my kids continue squealing.
Me: Quieten down and finish this activity.
They do as they are told and I walk to my
desk. I take the card and read it.
Dear Pregnant Woman,
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I told you so.
I fucken told you so!
Oh, Ms Dlamini... Let this be a lesson...
Never EVER doubt my word...
I fucken told you so!
*drops mic*
Kindest regards,
DR. Hlongwane.
PS: I guess this doctorate is not that lousy,
huh?
Really??
Argh. I tear the card and shove the
flowers in the bin. My kids try to ask me
what’s wrong, and I
tell them to shut up and finish their work.
Dean is proving to be a problem in my life,
honestly!
INSERT 112 (Short + Unedited)
Derek is now driving me home.
I want to talk to my dad and hear what he
thinks about this whole situation.
Derek: How are you feeling?
Me: I think my dad is disappointed in me.
He sighs.
Derek: Ziyanda, you’re old enough to start
having such developments in your life.
Me: But, these developments have to take
place in a proper manner.
Derek: Proper manner?
Me: Moving in with you was already
shady, now a baby?
He laughs quietly.
Derek: I’d like to think that your dad
prioritises your happiness.
Me: Having a baby doesn’t make me
happy.
He keeps quiet and I also stay silent.
We eventually get to my parents’ house
and Derek insists on coming with me. As
we walk in, we
find Lwazi making herself a sandwich.
Me: Hey, baby.
Lwazi: Hey, mommy.
Derek: Hi, love.
Lwazi: Hey, Uncle D.
We walk to the lounge and find my dad
there.
Me: Hey, there.
He smiles and stands.
Okay, I’m glad he’s in a good mood.
We share a hug.
Dad: How are you?
Me: I’m okay, and you?
Dad: A bit exhausted from work, but okay.
He looks at Derek.
Derek: Sibalukhulu.
My dad chuckles.
Dad: Hlomuka.
Uhm, okay... They’re having a clan name
moment, so does this mean this
conversation won’t be
bad?
Dad: Sit.
He’s serious now.
We sit and he clears his throat. Lwazi
walks in with a plate and glass of juice.
Lwazi: Here’s your sandwich, baba.
Dad: Thank you.
Lwazi then runs off and disappears. My
dad takes a bite of his sandwich and then
looks at us.
Dad: So nithi you’re expecting a baby?
Derek: Yes.
My dad bites more of his sandwich and
doesn’t say anything. We’re silent for a
while.
Dad: I don’t know what’s more dreadful:
my one and only daughter having sex, or
me being a
grandfather.
Really? Why would he say that? That’s
just weird.
Derek: I’d like to think that Lwazi has
given you a taste of grandparenthood.
Dad: And you would know, how?
Yoh.
Derek keeps quiet.
Dad: Ungaphaphi...
Hai! What’s going on? How did this
conversation turn sour?
Dad: I am very angered by your lack of
responsibility.
He stares at me and I look down
ashamedly, fidgeting with my fingers.
Dad: You left my house all excited about
moving in together kanti you’re rushing
to go have
endless unprotected sex?
Universe, please come to my rescue!
I’d like to be swallowed by the Earth.
Dad: Why in the world would you be so
stupid?
He looks at Derek.
Dad: You’re careless and you’re stupid.
My dad has never spoken to me like this.
In my 25 years of living, I’ve never heard
him address
anyone like this.
Dad: I’m highly angered, and highly
disappointed.
I feel Derek tensing up next to me.
Dad: Ziyanda, first of all, are you even
ready to have a child?
I don’t respond. I’m holding in my tears.
Dad: Ngiyabuza.
Me: No.
Dad: So, what’s this nonsense?
I don’t say anything.
Dad: Get out. I want to talk to Derek.
At this point, I’m sobbing quietly. I get
that he’s angry, but why is he addressing
me like this? It’s
like he’s disgusted by the mere sight of
me.
As I stand, my mom walks in.
Mom: Hawu kanti nifikile? Hello!
She assesses the scene and realises that
we’re not having a party.
She stares at me.
Mom: Zizi?
I begin to walk to my room.
Mom: What’s going on? What did you say
to her?
I hear my dad telling my mom to stay out
of it.
Mom: Hai phela, you can’t say that to me...
She follows me to my bedroom and as
soon as she holds me, I burst out in tears.
Mom: Ziyanda, calm down...
Me: He hates me...
Mom: He doesn’t, baby. He’s just
expressing his anger.
I continue crying for a while until I doze
off...
***
I am awakened by Derek’s hand, brushing
my cheek.
Derek: Zi...
I open my eyes and blink a couple of
times.
Derek: I’m leaving.
Me: Leaving?
I sit up and gather my thoughts. I then
remember what happened.
He sees that I’m about to panic. He holds
my hands and sits on the edge of my bed.
Derek: Relax...
Me: My dad...
He sighs.
Derek: After an hour of shouting at me, he
eventually calmed down.
Me: He did?
Derek: Thanks to your mom.
He brushes my hand and smiles.
Derek: All is well now.
Me: What did he say?
Derek: He’s going to come to terms with
it... He needs some time...
I sigh.
Derek: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: No.
Derek: Zi, I’m not about to take you from
this house and have your dad thinking
we’re having
endless unprotected sex.
Me: Derek!
He chuckles and I wrap my arms around
him. I inhale his scent and relax in his
arms.
Me: I’ve never seen him like that.
Derek: Ya, that was a bit intense.
He kisses my cheek and sighs.
Derek: I should get going... It’s getting late.
I hiss and he plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: See you tomorrow.
Me: Hmkay.
He lets go of me and we stand. We then
make our way out and get to the lounge.
Derek: Nisale kahle.
My dad nods lightly.
Mom: Bye, baby.
Lwazi: Mommy, are you leaving?
Me: No, I’m sleeping over.
Lwazi: Yaay!
We walk out of the house and get to
Derek’s car. Instead of saying goodbye, I
find myself
getting in the car with him.
We end up chatting for over an hour.
Me: Khwezi is probably going to search
for me and kill me.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: Or the presence of a grandbaby
could change her.
Me: You’re funny...
Derek: I’m serious.
Me: Argh.
Derek: Anyway, I should get going.
I groan loudly.
Me: Okay.
I lean closer to him and we share a kiss.
Me: Bye.
Derek: I’ll request an Uber for you.
Me: You know I can do that myself, right?
Derek: Listen, your dad and I had a very
hectic conversation. I’m not about to go
against my
word.
Me: You still don’t want to tell me about
this conversation?
Derek: I gave you a brief summary.
Me: Argh.
He brushes my hand.
Derek: Baby, go inside. I don’t want to
anger your father further.
Me: Whatever. Bye.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too. Facetime me when you
get home.
He smiles.
Derek: Okay, love.
I get out of the car and he drives off once
I’m in the yard. Once I’m inside, I walk to
my bedroom.
Dad: Ziyanda.
I ignore him.
I really don’t want to address him. Petty is
suddenly up and ready, and I would hate
for my dad
to be a victim of her wrath.
As I get ready for bed, my door opens and
my dad walks in.
Dad: So, you’re ignoring me now?
Me: I’m tired.
Dad: Hmm.
He stares at me softly and then nods.
Dad: Alright then...
He walks out and a minute later, Lwazi
walks in.
Lwazi: Mommy, can I sleep with you?
Me: Duuh!
She giggles.
Lwazi: I’m still watching Generations. I’ll
join you after Uzalo.
I laugh.
Me: Okay, sweetie.
She walks out and I get in my pjs and
snuggle in bed.
My phone rings and I’m shocked at who it
is. I answer it reluctantly.
Me: Mduduzi?
Mdu: Ya wena.
Me: Watch it now.
He groans.
Mdu: How are you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Mdu: I’m good.
Me: How’s Tholi? I miss her.
Mdu: She’s been asking me about you.
Me: Really?
Mdu: Mmm.
Me: How is she?
Mdu: She’s much better.
Me: That’s great.
Mdu: When are you going to visit her?
Me: When I get an invite.
Mdu: Consider yourself invited.
Me: Hmkay. I’ll come through this
weekend.
Mdu: Okay.
Me: Uhm-
Mdu: We’ll talk when I see you.
Me: Okay.
Mdu: Night.
Me: Night.
I hang up and sigh.
Wowzer.
Totes unexpected.
After a while, Derek calls me to tell me he
arrived safely.
Me: Nkanyi.
Derek: I’m home.
Me: I can see.
He smiles.
Me: Mdu just called me.
He frowns.
Me: I know!
Derek: What did he say?
I tell him about it and he sighs.
Derek: I guess there’s no harm in seeing
them at this point, because everything is
out in the
open.
Me: Will you come with me?
Derek: Absolutely not.
Me: You suck!
He chuckles.
Derek: Want me to watch you sleep?
Me: Duuh!
Derek: Alright then...
I get comfortable and we continue
chatting till I fall asleep. I didn’t even hear
Lwazi come in, but
I felt her snuggle next to me...
INSERT 113
It’s now Friday, and I’m in Derek’s office,
having lunch. I’ve become quite clingy
after my dad
was mean to him, and he is loving it.
Derek: So, is everything sorted for
tomorrow?
Me: Yes.
He glances at me and smiles.
Me: What?
Derek: You’re an excellent planner.
Me: Aww, silly old me?
We chuckle.
Me: Hopefully, Nolwazi says yes.
He laughs.
Derek: Why wouldn’t she?
Me: Dean is a dick.
Derek: They love each other.
I sigh.
Me: He has been teasing me about this
pregnancy.
Derek: Me too. I’ve even blocked his
number.
Me: I’ll block him too.
Someone knocks on the door and Derek
tells them to come in. The door opens and
in walks
Lebo, the receptionist who doesn’t get
along with me.
Lebo: Mr. N, there’s a lady who would like
to meet with you.
Derek: Who is she?
Lebo: Ms. Mlambo.
Derek’s face tightens.
Derek: Tell her I’m busy.
Lebo: She says it’s an emergency.
Derek: I’m busy.
Lebo then looks at me.
Lebo: Alright.
She walks out and closes the door.
Me: And then?
Derek: It’s Busi.
Me: What??
He nods tightly and drinks some of his
water.
Me: What the hell is wrong with her? Why
is she suddenly so present?
Derek shrugs.
Me: Mxm.
There’s a knock again and Lebo walks in.
Lebo: She says it’s an emergency.
Derek: Let her in.
Lebo nods and walks out.
Me: Uhm, I’ll go t-
Derek: You’re not going anywhere.
Me: But-
Derek: I’m not asking you, Ziyanda.
Whoa.
I sigh and focus on my food.
Me: Shit is about to get real awks.
He’s so pissed; I don’t even think he heard
me.
The door opens and Lebo leads Busi in.
Lebo: There you go...
With that said, Lebo walks out, and closes
the door.
Derek: Busisiwe.
Busi looks at Derek very seriously.
Derek: How may I help you?
Busi: I’d like some privacy.
Derek: People who make appointments
with me are privileged to demand
privacy...
Busi: Damnit, Derek!
Derek doesn’t say anything.
Busi: Please excuse us, Ziyanda.
How does she even know my name?
Derek: Ziyanda is not going anywhere.
The tension is a bit too thick right now.
Busi looks at him angrily.
Derek: Let’s get one thing clear: you and I
are not on speaking terms, and I am
absolutely fine
with that.
Busi tries to say something, but Derek
stops her.
Derek: I will not have you come into my
personal space and try to disrupt my
peace. You had
your chance and you blew it, so what the
fuck do you want from me now?
Busi: Your mother-
Me: You and my mother have your own
relationship. Don’t involve me.
She keeps quiet.
Derek: I have nothing to say to you. I’ve
said everything I wanted to say the last
time I saw you.
Now, please leave and make sure you stay
out of my life.
Busi: Why would you address me like
this?
Derek: I’ve been very patient with you.
Why would you come to my workplace?
What’s next?
You’re going to come banging on my door
at home?
Busi: Wow.
Derek: Just leave.
She stares at me and I swear I would have
died if eyes could kill.
I take a bite of my sandwich and chew.
Busi: Mxm.
She storms out and shuts the door loudly.
I take a bite of my sandwich again and
chuckle.
Me: Wowzer.
Derek: Nxx.
Me: This is the perfect time to use the
Garbage Can Tool. Let the little things go,
Star.
He sighs.
Derek: Okay.
He stands and walks towards me. He then
bends down till his face is close to mine.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
He plants a kiss on my cheek and goes
back to his seat and sits.
Derek: People are so annoying.
I laugh.
Me: I’ve gone through so many emotions
the past two weeks; I’m too tired to even
entertain this
Busi thing.
Derek: Nxx...
Me: Anyway, I feel like going out tonight.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Derek: Out as in?
Me: Out as in great vibes, people, drinks-
Derek: Drinks?
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Derek: Where do you want to go?
I shrug.
Me: I miss Maboneng. Let’s sleep over at
your loft tonight.
He smiles.
Derek: Where it all started?
I roll my eyes.
Derek: What? Don’t you remember how
nervous you were when I asked you to
sleepover?
Me: See ya later, mate.
I stand and pack my things.
Derek: Leaving already?
Me: My kids will be back in 5 minutes.
He groans.
Derek: Come give me a kiss.
I throw away my takeaway and walk to
the door.
Me: You’re my boss, filthy man!
He laughs boldly as I walk out of the office
and close the door.
***
It’s now around 2pm and we’re heading
to Dr. Modisa for our appointment. She
insisted on
seeing us weekly until she is sure that the
pneumonia didn’t affect the baby.
We get to a different room and she asks
me to lie on the bed.
Dr: We’ll do the ultrasound
transvaginally.
Me: Huh?
She smiles.
Dr: I’m going to insert a probe into your
vagina, because your uterus is still behind
your pelvic
bone.
I look at her nervously.
Dr: No, don’t stress. This won’t hurt. I’d
like us to have a clearer view of the fetus.
Derek sighs and nods.
Me: Okay.
Dr: We’ve reached a great milestone this
week. The baby is no longer an embryo;
he or she is a
fetus.
Derek: What’s the difference between an
embryo and a fetus?
Dr: The embryonic phase is about forming
major organs, including the brain, heart,
and lungs,
plus the arms and legs. Once you’ve got a
fetus, those organs and parts are formed
and are
now growing and developing. At this
point, the baby is developing more
distinct facial features.
Derek: What about the heartbeat?
She smiles.
Dr: We’ll be able to pick it up today.
He smiles and nods.
Dr: Alright then, let’s get to it.
After a few minutes, we’re now staring at
the screen.
Dr: Look at that... He’s as big as a cherry!
Me: He?
Dr: That’s what everyone is hoping for, so
we’ll refer to it as a boy.
Derek is smiling like a lunatic.
Dr: How’s the morning sickness?
Derek: It’s not that bad, but there are
moments where it hits her intensely.
Dr: Hmm.
Derek: Especially when she sleeps late.
She wakes up feeling quite sick.
I look at him in shock and he shrugs.
Derek: I’ve been observing.
Dr: Cute.
We focus on the screen again and she
smiles.
Dr: Everything is okay... Your blood tests
also came back and you’re healthy.
The heartbeat is also good apparently.
Derek listened to it through some Doppler
device... I
opted out...
Dr: You should expect extreme pregnancy
fatigue at this point. Making a baby is
hard work.
Your body is working overtime preparing
for motherhood as it develops the
placenta.
Additionally, your body’s metabolism and
hormone levels have increased
significantly, which
triggers a decrease in blood sugar and
blood pressure- a recipe for fatigue.
I sigh heavily and nod.
Me: Okay.
Dr: On the flipside, at this point in your
pregnancy, you two should start looking
for ways you
can budget, so you have extra cash when
the baby arrives.
Derek chuckles.
Dr: I think this is the perfect time to start
planning your finances.
He continues chuckling. Knowing him,
he’s probably laughing because he knows
that money is
not a concern.
Derek: Thanks.
Dr: And, you should consider checking out
your company’s policy to see how
maternity leave is
typically handled. That way, when you
break the news to your boss, you’ll be
prepared to
discuss your expectations, and begin a
potential maternity leave plan.
I look at Derek and he laughs quietly.
Derek: Thank you. We will make sure that
she informs her boss.
Dr. Modisa smiles.
Dr: That’s it for today...
Me: What about the risk of a miscarriage?
The room is silent for a couple of seconds.
Dr: Vaginal bleeding can occur in the first
trimester and it isn’t necessarily a cause
for alarm,
but it could be a sign of ectopic pregnancy
or a miscarriage, so please call me right
away if you
experience bleeding. Please...
Derek’s jaw is tightens.
Dr: Please don’t stress yourself. I cannot
emphasise enough how badly stress can
affect your
pregnancy.
I nod lightly.
Dr: So, moving forward, I’d like us to have
a weekly to-do list. I understand that we
won’t see
each other every single week, so I’ll send
an email as well with all the information
you need and
frequently asked questions and answers.
She sighs.
Dr: This week’s checklist... Week 9...
Derek takes out his phone and begins
typing as she speaks.
Dr: 1. Create a baby budget. 2. Make a pre-
baby to-do list of all the things you want
to
accomplish or enjoy before the baby
arrives. 3. Eat plenty of fruits and
vegetables. 4. Go for a
walk, or do 30 minutes of another
moderate exercise, and make it a part of
your daily routine.
Me: I’m not thin, so does this mean my
weight will affect my baby?
Dr: I don’t want you to gain too much
weight, which will put the baby in danger.
Me: Okay.
I look at Derek.
Me: I guess I have to join you at the gym.
He smiles.
Dr: You don’t have to be a gym junkie. I
just want you to remain healthy.
He grins and looks at me mischievously.
Derek: We’ll find other ways to exercise...
Me: Wow.
Dr. Modisa laughs.
Dr: Trust me, her sex drive is yet to
increase, and you’ll have to work very
hard, Derek.
Derek: Can’t wait.
Me: Eww.
They laugh.
Once we’re done, she prints the scan and
we make our way out.
***
Believe it or not, I genuinely zoned out Dr.
Modisa for 90% of the time. As soon as I
felt like I
was getting too much information, I
zoned her out and went to another place...
Derek is the one
who paid all the attention...
Anyway, I miss the vibe in Jozi, not this
quietness from the suburbs. We’re
heading to his place
in Maboneng and I’m excited.
We get to his loft and I go to the bathroom
to pee, something I’ve been doing a lot for
the past
week.
When I walk back to the bedroom, I find
him on the bed.
Me: And then?
Derek: I need a power nap. I have a
headache.
Me: Oh okay.
Derek: Come join me.
I lie next to him and he kisses me.
Derek: So, this weekend we have to get
you maternity bras.
Me: Derek!
Derek: Baby, I love you. However, your
breasts are starting to pop out.
Me: Wow!
He chuckles and kisses my nose.
We continue chatting.
Within 5 minutes, I’m seriously dozing off.
Derek: Zi?
Me: Hmm?
Derek: You do realise that I’m the one
who needed the nap, right?
Me: Mmm.
I feel his lips on mine and he kisses me.
Derek: We’re still going out?
Me: Ya. We’re meeting up with Mdu and
Tholi.
Derek: What??
Me: Shh...
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Shh... I’m trying to sleep.
He groans.
Derek: Maybe I should also set up a
meeting with Busi...
Me: I’m more than willing to raise this
child by myself.
Derek: Wow.
Me: Now, hush, I’m trying to sleep...
I turn around and doze off immediately.
INSERT 114
When I wake up, I am in such a good
mood- like, extremely good mood. Derek
and I take a
shower and get dressed. As I’m putting on
my jeans, my buttons just refuse to do the
things.
Me: Derek!
Derek: Hmm?
Me: My jeans!
Derek: What about them?
Me: They don’t fit!
He looks at me and frowns.
Me: Bheka!
I walk to him as he is seated on the edge
of the bed, and stand between his legs.
Me: Look!
Derek: Whoa.
Me: Uthi nyoa!
He touches my stomach and rubs it.
Derek: Whoa.
Me: What??
Derek: It’s hard.
Me: Argh!
Derek: But, Dr. Modisa mentioned that it
will start feeling hard, it’s your uterus.
Me: I don’t give a flying fuck! My jeans
don’t fit!
Derek: They do... The buttons are the
problem.
Me: Just shut up. Honestly uyabhora.
Derek: Ngenzeni manje mina?
Me: Mxm!
I walk to the closet and take out leggings.
Me: I’m already fat. Now I have to gain
more weight and look like a whale?!
Derek doesn’t say anything.
Me: So you think I’m a whale?
Derek: Huh? I didn’t even say anything.
Me: Which means you agree!
Derek: Zi, you’re not a whale, and you’ll
never look like one.
I groan as he stands and walks to me. He
wraps his arms around me and kisses my
forehead.
Derek: Stop stressing. You still look the
same.
Me: Hmm.
He chuckles and kisses me.
Derek: You’ll be my whale.
Me: Derek!
He laughs and I push him away and finish
getting dressed.
Me: You’re so annoying!
Once we’re done, we head out and I insist
on walking to the restaurant, considering
the fact that
I’m not allowed to gain more weight than
I already carry. I may as well use this
opportunity to
walk this fat out.
We walk to Pata Pata and make our way
inside.
Me: I thought we’d find them here.
He rolls his eyes.
Me: Did you just roll you eyes at me??
Derek: I don’t know why I’m here. Who
says I want to have dinner with your ex?
I roll my eyes and he pinches me.
Derek: I need a strong drink.
He orders his whiskey.
Me: If I can’t drink, then you can’t.
Derek: See, now you’re taking it too far.
Me: You made me pregnant. Why are you
allowed to drink, but I’m not?
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Derek: So you’re going to use this
pregnancy to your advantage?
Me: I’m just asking...
Just then, I see Mdu and Tholi walk in.
Mdu has become such a sexy thing.
Then I see Tholi... She is beyond cute. I’m
so excited to spend some time with her
and hear
about her progress.
They’re perfect for each other: Mdu with
his tall, muscular chocolate self, and Tholi
with her
cute, chubby yellow self.
They get to our table and I exclaim.
Me: Tholi!
Her cheeks turn red as she smiles.
Tholi: Hey, Zi.
I stand and we share a hug.
Me: How are you?
Tholi: I’m good, and you?
Me: I’m okay.
She looks at Derek nervously and Derek
flashes a sweet smile. I’m glad he’s
pretending to be
happy. I always pretend I’m stable when
I’m around his people, so naye he must
suck it up when
it comes to Tholi. I really like the girl.
Tholi: Hi, Derek.
Derek: Hey.
He stands and gives her a hug.
Mdu: Why are you sitting inside? It’s quite
hot in here.
Me: Derek is recovering from the flu.
Mdu takes off his jacket and I glance at his
toned body. He sees this and chuckles.
Mdu: How are you?
Me: I’m good.
He knows he’s not allowed to touch me
when Derek is around, not even a
handshake. Can’t be
disrespecting Derek like that... Although it
doesn’t hurt that he’s great to look at.
Mdu: Derek.
Derek: Mduduzi.
They shake hands and we all sit.
Mdu: I’m starving.
He looks at Tholi.
Mdu: I didn’t get to eat lunch at work.
Tholi: Really?
Mdu: Busy day.
Tholi: I’m sure you’ll indulge in a feast
shortly...
He leans closer to her and plants a kiss on
her cheek, and she turns red again.
Cute.
The waiter takes our orders and brings
Derek’s drink.
Mdu: So how are you two? My sister tells
me you live together...
Really, Nolwazi? She’s outchea making it
seem like she’s above the drama kanti
naye she’s a
gossip girl.
Derek: We’re good...
Tholi: I think it’s nice that you moved in
together. It’s a great way to get to know
each other.
Me: Definitely.
Mdu: Any annoying habits?
I look at Derek and he raises an eyebrow.
Me: He has major OCD vibes.
Mdu: Hmm... I know...
He looks at Tholi and she exclaims.
Tholi: Hey!
Derek: I see nothing wrong with wanting
to live in a clean space that is conducive
to safety and
health.
Tholi: Yes. There’s nothing more
frustrating than not knowing where
things are.
Derek: Organisation and order are crucial.
Tholi: Definitely.
Me: Wowzers.
Mdu: Bowzers.
Derek: I don’t even know why you’re
judging, because you always leave the
lights on...
Me: Excuse me??
Derek: You never switch off the lights. I
don’t get it.
Tholi: Mdu always fails to close the fridge.
It’s always slightly open when he is done
using it.
Mdu: Really??
Me: I’m sensing a lot of judgement, and
I’m not pleased!
Mdu: Unbelievable!
Derek: Tholi, I’m glad I’ve met someone
who understands the importance of tidy
spaces.
Tholi giggles.
Mdu: So there are other Tholis in the
world? I’m glad I’m not the only victim of
constant
nagging.
We all laugh and continue chatting. It’s
safe to say that now I am fully aware of
my annoying
habits, according to Derek. Naye he
knows what annoys me about him...
***
It’s been about 2 hours and the
conversation is still flowing. I’ve never
seen Tholi so open and
happy. She seems so much better. I
decided that I won’t bring up the Nolwazi
situation or
Tholi’s progress. I feel like she’s having a
good time and these topics would just
take us 10
steps back.
Me: So, I was reading through some self-
help and lifestyle books to buy, and I
came across one
by Gary Chapman, titled The Five Love
Languages.
Mdu and Derek both say, “Here we go” at
the same time.
They look at each other and chuckle.
Me: What??
Derek: You sure love these self-help
books.
Me: They are life!
Derek smiles.
Derek: Carry on...
Me: So, I ordered the book online, but I’m
still waiting for it... But, I went on to
research these
five love languages.
Tholi: Why are they called love
languages?
Me: It basically means that there are five
ways that people speak and understand
emotional
love.
Tholi: Oh... That’s interesting. What are
these languages?
Me: Okay, so the first on is “Words of
Affirmation.” This language expresses
love through
words. So, verbal compliments, or words
of appreciation are the communicators of
love. You
make your partner feel appreciated
through words.
They’re all listening to me attentively at
this point. Lol, I do have a way with
words, after-all ;)
Me: The second one is “Quality Time.”
Giving someone your undivided attention,
not just sitting
and watching TV together, but sitting
there, talking and looking at each other...
Undivided
attention means there are no distractions
like phones and other people... It’s just
you
two...Here, time is important. Spending
time together and just drowning in each
other’s
presence fills the love tank.
They’re all nodding.
Me: The third one is “Receiving Gifts.”
Here, gifts are seen as visible symbols of
love. A gift is
something tangible that shows you that
the person was thinking of you. These
gifts don’t have
to cost money...
I look at Derek and he smiles.
Me: The fourth one is “Acts of Service.”
This means doing things you know the
person would
like you to do. You please the person by
serving them. These services can include
cooking,
washing the dishes and many more. They
require thought, time and effort, that’s
why they’re a
form of expression.
I sigh.
Me: And then there’s the last love
language, which is “Physical Touch.” I
think this one explains
itself.
We all laugh.
Mdu: Now, that one is powerful...
He looks at Tholi mischievously and she
blushes.
Me: It’s not just sex, dummy.
He chuckles.
Me: This can be kissing, hugging, holding
hands, cuddling, sitting close to each
other when
watching a movie, and having sex... just
being physically connected...
I look at all of them.
Me: How interesting?
Derek nods slowly and I feel his hand
slide between my thighs underneath the
table.
Derek: Very interesting...
I giggle.
Mdu: Indeed...
Tholi also giggles.
Me: Okay, you both can stop groping us
now.
Mdu and Derek chuckle.
Me: So... I found some cool website with a
survey. The results of the survey basically
tell you
what your love language is... Not what you
do, but what you want your partner to
do... This
basically helps you fill up your partner’s
love tank.
Mdu: Hmm...
Me: All of us are going to take the survey
and see what’s up!
Derek: Okay...
Tholi: Sure.
Mdu: Let’s do it.
Me: But, first, I think we should guess
what we’ll get. So, Tholi you’ll guess what
your love
language is, then Mdu will state if he
agrees or disagrees. Subsequently, Mdu
will the same as
well. After we take the survey, we’ll
discuss the results and see how we can
meet each other’s
needs as partners.
I look at them.
Me: Understood?
They all nod.
Me: Let me check for understanding...
I look at Tholi.
Me: What are the five love languages?
Tholi giggles.
Tholi: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time,
Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, and
Physical Touch.
Me: Excellent.
I look at Derek.
Me: What are we about to do now?
Derek: Take a sur-
Me: Heyi, full sentence, Ngidi.
He chuckles.
Derek: We’re about to take a survey.
Me: Mdu what’s the purpose of this
survey?
Mdu: To identify your partner’s love
language.
Me: Derek, how will this process work?
Derek: So, in our case, my survey will
reveal what I would like you to do, in
order for me to feel
loved.
Me: Well done.
I look at Tholi.
Me: So, what are we going to do before
taking the survey?
Tholi: Uhm, we’re going to predict what
our love languages are. For example, you
will state what
you think your love language is, and state
why. Thereafter, Derek will state if he
agrees with you
or not.
Me: Yes! And then what happens after we
take the survey, Duzi?
Mdu: We discuss how we can meet our
partner’s love language.
Me: Excellent! Well done, everyone. You
are such great listeners!
Mdu: For fuck sake.
Tholi laughs.
Tholi: You are such a teacher.
Me: Can’t help it.
Derek: This is what I deal with...She calls
this process “Checks for Understanding.”
Mdu: We’re not your kids.
Me: Hai suka! Anyway, let’s discuss this
shit...
We go on to have our love language
discussion...
Good varbz...
My people,
As we know, I've been in battle against
silent readers since 2013/14...
I shall continue fighting these faceless
opponents. Call me petty, childish,
immature- I am
sincerely not touched. Like the legendary
icon, Babes Wodumo, once said (her
words have been
manipulated ), "Angeke i-story sakho si-
trende, then ama-comment ashode..."
This is a very justified battle, my people,
and the insults or long paragraphs will
never distract
me from this deadly battle (war).
I will singlehandedly cut out silent
readers, till this battle (war) is won. I
have done it before with
my very first story, and I'm proud to say I
was victorious, therefore, I can (will) do it
again...
So, silent readers, consider yourselves
warned. I am coming for you. I beeeen
getting ready!
Love and light to you my lovely,
interactive readers. The Universe (my
bestie) knows how
appreciative I am of your constant
opinions and feedback.
The enemies will emerge soon (as soon as
this shit is posted) and they will call me
names, tell
me I'm unfair, and they'll compare me to
other authors (angazi ke ukuthi what
must happen
ngoba I'm not competing with anyone)...
BUT, we are warriors! Their paragraphs
and messages will not affect us. We'll dust
that shit off,
angtihi?
Have yourselves a lovely night/morning.
Aluta continua! 􀂌
So here's the thing, guys...
My love language when it comes to
writing these stories for you, is "Words of
Affirmation."
I think you underestimate the significance
of your lovely words. I'm not doing this
for money or
fame. Heck, I've been approached a few
times regarding publishing, but my
answer is always
no. My anxiety would never let me
flourish. I'd probably faint every time
there's a book signing.
I love writing, and my interactions with
you are basically the "fuel" that keep my
passion going.
This is why comparing me to other
writers will never make me feel guilty of
bad. We all have our
different reasons for writing, manje if
you're going to tell me that your fav
writer from Diary of a
Gangster's Aunt does this and that, mina
you've lost me. I won't even bother
reading what you
have to say.
I write for mostly you, and myself. This is
like a personal journal, and I have every
right to run it
how I please ... So, if you're going to be
silent, then you're cancelled, and I'm
unapologetic about
this. Nothing anyone says will ever make
me feel bad for how I do things here.
I'd like to think I've been very fair. Yazi I
never complain about delivering inserts?
The only
people who can shout at me are the ones
who always comment, but are somehow
left out (by
mistake ). Please 􀂌 use your Patience
Tool? 􀂌
PS: I love you. I've been told that I'm a
petty bitch since I was young, guys. This is
not news to
me. I'll change next year, I promise.
Let me try to sleep. Ngiyavuka manje...
INSERT 115
We’re now going through our survey
results.
Mdu: So, Tholi, what do you think I got?
Tholi: You probably got Physical Touch.
Mdu chuckles.
Mdu: That’s what I got vele.
They both laugh.
Mdu: I need to be touched 24/7.
Tholi: Euww!
They continue laughing. They’re beyond
cute. I’m glad that Mdu stopped his
whoring ways for
Tholi. Phela mina bengifebelwa to come
nice.
Mdu wraps his arm around her shoulders
and they kiss.
Me: We’re still here, hey.
Tholi giggles shyly as she pushes Mdu
away.
Me: So, does Tholi meet your love
language?
Mdu: Definitely.
Me: Good.
Mdu: She’s definitely more of a Words of
Affirmation type. She didn’t hear enough
encouraging
words when she grew up.
Tholi: That’s what I got.
Mdu: See? I know you, Chubby Cheeks.
He plants a kiss on her flushed cheeks and
she giggles.
Derek: You two seem to be in tune.
Mdu: Definitely. She’s my world, this one.
Tholi continues blushing, heck, even I am
blushing on her behalf.
Tholi: What about you guys?
I sigh and look at Derek.
Derek: Want to start?
I chuckle.
Me: I think it’s either Quality Time or
Physical Touch.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: Hmm.
He smiles.
Derek: It’s actually a tie.
Me: Really??
He nods.
Derek: I got Quality Time and Physical
Touch.
Me: Really?
He shows me his results.
Me: How accurate.
Derek: See, when we spend quality time, I
want you close to me.
Me: Of course.
We laugh.
Tholi: You guys are so cute.
I lean closer to him and we share a kiss.
For a second there, I had forgotten about
Mdu and Tholi.
Me: Isn’t it weird how we know each
other so well, but we haven’t been in each
other’s lives for
a long time?
Mdu: It goes to show that time is a
complex concept...
Me: Definitely.
I then look at Derek.
Me: So, what do you think I got?
Derek: Definitely Acts of Service.
Me: Correct!
He chuckles.
Mdu: So, you like having servants, huh?
Me: Hey!
Derek looks at me lovingly.
Derek: You appreciate it when people
help you out...
Me: And it took me a long time to accept
help from people.
Derek: Hmm.
I look at all of them and smile.
Me: How amazing was this little exercise,
guys?
Tholi: I loved it.
Mdu: Even though it told us shit we
already knew. I also liked it.
Derek: I think the point, at the end of the
day, is to find a balance. It takes all of
these love
languages to make a relationship solid.
Mdu: Definitely...
Me: I totes agree about finding a balance.
We all need the physical contact, the
quality time, the
words of encouragement and the service.
We continue chatting...
***
The following Saturday morning, I wake
up at around 6am, feeling so sick. I feel
like vomiting,
but there’s nothing coming out. I sit on
the toilet seat and groan.
Derek walks in and yawns.
Derek: Morning, love.
Me: Hey.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: I feel sick.
He sighs.
Derek: We slept quite late last night.
Me: Argh, whatever, Mr. Observant.
Derek: Can I pee?
I stand and go back to the bedroom as he
pees. I make my way to the kitchen and
pour myself
some water, and then I go to the balcony
to get some fresh air. After 30 minutes or
so, I feel
much better. I walk back inside, to find
Derek making breakfast.
I walk to the bedroom to finish off my
sleep...
***
So, everything is set...
I’m suddenly so nervous! If there’s one
slip-up, I swear I’m going to kill
somebody!
Derek: Baby, relax.
I’m even sweating, that’s how nervous I
am.
We’re now driving to Soweto.
Derek: So, you’re not even willing to tell
me what’s happening today?
Me: You’ll find out soon. Just zip it!
He laughs in disbelief and leaves me
alone.
We then get to a park.
We find Liwa, Nomvuyo, Zimkitha, Malusi,
Nandi, Joe and Gabi there.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
Where the hell is Dean and Nolwazi? I
explicitly told his ass to be here on time!
Nomvuyo looks pregnant. How? Isn’t she
like 2 days pregnant? Well, she’s not
showing too
much, but seeing her tiny bump is making
me uncomfortable.
Anyway, we finish greeting everyone.
Liwa: So, what’s going on?
Just then, I see Dean’s car, and sigh in
relief...He walks out with Nolwazi and
they walk to where
we are.
Nolwazi: Lookie here!
She’s in such high spirits. My heart is
genuinely happy for her. This is going to
be a great day!
Dean: Why the fuck are we in a dry park?
Is it even safe here?
Derek: Hmm. Diana is afraid of the
township?
Everyone laughs and Dean hisses.
Dean: Mxm.
Zimkitha: Why are we here kodwa, Zi?
Yazi we could easily go to Vilakazi for
brunch.
Nomvuyo: I doubt we’re dressed
appropriately.
They all start adding their two cents, and
talk back and forth. Gosh, these people
are too much.
I take a deep breath and look at them
calmly.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your left
ear...
They continue chatting.
Derek is the only one who heard me. He’s
touching his ear. See why this one is the
right one for
me?
Me: If you can hear me, touch your nose.
They continue talking. Derek touches his
nose.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your
forehead.
Nomvuyo glances at Derek.
Nomvuyo: And then?
Me: If you can hear me, touch your nose...
Nomvuyo frowns and nudges Liwa. Liwa
stops talking and looks at Derek.
The others continue talking.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your
bottom lip.
Derek does that, and I’m shocked to see
Liwa and Nomvuyo do the same.
Nomvuyo winks at
me and I wink back.
Yazi loGabi ngathi uzobayinkinga. She’s
the one who’s making these people talk
too much.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your ears.
Zimkitha looks at Liwa, Nomvuyo and
Derek. They’re all touching their ears. Lol
they look
ridiculous.
Zimkitha: And then?
Finally!
It is silent!
Me: If you can hear me, touch your knees.
Liwa, Nomvuyo and Derek touch their
knees.
Dean: Are you serious?
Me: If you can hear me, touch your chin.
Dean: Really?
He starts laughing, and within seconds,
Zimkitha is laughing as well. Soon, Gabi,
Joe, Malusi,
Nandi, Lindelwa and Nolwazi are laughing
their lungs out.
I continue... I’m beyond calm right now...
I’m in my teacher zone...
Me: If you can hear me, touch your nose.
My diligent students, Liwa, Nomvuyo and
Nkanyi, follow my instructions.
After these hooligans are done laughing,
they stare at me in shock.
Me: If you can hear, touch your ear.
Malusi: Oh, wow... She’s actually serious.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your chin...
They look at each other, as they slowly
touch their chins. You’d swear there’s
someone pointing
a gun at them.
Silence.
Me: If you can hear me, touch your nose...
I watch as they all do as they are told...
Once I’m satisfied, I sigh and smile.
They’re staring at me in disbelief. I think
they can’t believe what just happened.
Me: A great teacher doesn’t move on until
she’s given 100%...
I smile.
Me: Now that I have your undivided
attention, I’d like to thank Nkanyezi, Liwa
and Nomvuyo for
listening attentively. I appreciate it.
They continue looking at me in shock.
Joe: I think I’m dreaming.
Gabi: I think I’m having an out of body
experience...
Dean: She gets like this...
Nolwazi: Wow, Zi. For a second there, I
thought I was a child.
I smile.
Me: Thank you.
Dean: That wasn’t a compli-
I look at Dean sharply.
Me: We speak only when spoken to...
Liwa: Whoooa!
They all laugh and I look at Dean, sticking
my tongue out.
After a while, I clap twice.
Me: Okay, guys, on a serious note, please
listen!
They keep quiet.
Me: So, I asked you guys to reserve your
Saturday, because I would like us to
spend it together.
Lindelwa: How sweet.
She smiles at me and I smile back.
Me: We are going to have a Kasi
Scavenger Hunt!
They all look at me weirdly.
Gabi: Yay! I’ve always wanted to get to
know Soweto.
I give them a minute to process what I’ve
just said.
Me: It will be awesome!
Nomvuyo: Hmm... Sounds cool.
Me: So, the starting point is my parents’
house... We’re all going to drive, and you’ll
leave you
cars there.
Malusi: So, how are we going to get
around?
I chuckle.
Me: Look around... There are taxis
everywhere!
Gabi: Yay!
Nolwazi: Okay, now I’m definitely excited.
Me: We’re going to have an amazing day!
Let’s go!
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
He hugs me as everyone starts making
their way to their cars.
Liwa: I’ll lead everyone, since I know
where you leave.
Me: Hey, now... Don’t brag!
He laughs as he walks off.
Now, it’s just Derek, Dean and I standing
there.
Me: Everything is set... You’re also set
angithi?
Dean smiles and nods.
Me: Great, let’s go!
Dean: Oh, by the way, Mdu and Ivy are
joining us.
Me: The Devil is a lie. I will not
acknowledge any negativity today!
He laughs.
Dean: Behave yourself, okay?
Me: Whatever!
We go our separate ways...
Derek and I are now driving to my house.
Derek: You never cease to amaze me.
I laugh.
Me: Hmm!
He chuckles and focuses on the road.
INSERT 116
We’re now at my parents’ house. Lol, my
neighbours are just shocked. All these
scrumptious
cars at my house? Njani? What is
happening? Lol.
Liwa: Is it possible for me to get
something to eat before we start?
Me: No! We don’t have time!
Liwa: With all due respect Dlamini, I’m
not leaving this house till I’m fed.
He walks to my dad and asks for chicken.
My dad gladly dishes up for him. He then
goes and
sits on the stoep. Malusi and Joe walk to
him and he lets them taste.
Before I know it, everyone is now seated
on the stoep, eating chicken.
Derek takes me inside the house. He
knows I’m about to freak out.
Derek: They’ll be done in no time.
Me: They’re wasting my time!
Just then, my mom walks in and chuckles.
Mom: At least your dad got new
customers!
Me: Ah!
My dad walks in smiling.
Derek: Sawubona.
Dad: Ngidi... I charged your friends 20
rands extra each, because they look and
smell like
money.
They both laugh. So, they get along now?
Kanti zikhiphani kahle kahle kulendlu?
Derek: You should have charged them 50
rands extra.
Dad: My scamming is not that bad...
They chuckle...
Me: Uphi uLwazi?
Mom: I sent her to the shops.
Me: I guess we won’t see her.
Mom: You saw her yesterday, awume tuu.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. It’s
Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: Baba, this chicken is amazing!
My dad would love it. It’s so fresh. Is there
a way you
can give me a few pieces? I want to take
them back home.
Dad: Of course!
Mom: You must be Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: Oh my goodness, how rude of
me... I got so excited about the chicken.
She introduces herself and hugs my mom.
Mom: How are the babies?
Nolwazi: All grown up!
Mom: Aww, man. Congratulations!
Just then, Dean walks in, and I know he
wants us to get moving. Time is of the
essence, people!
Me: Give me a minute.
I walk to my bedroom and sit down for a
couple of minutes. Once I’m done
gathering my
thoughts, I walk out and bump into Derek.
He pushes me back in the bedroom and
shuts the
door.
Me: And then??
He chuckles and kisses me. Like, reallllly
kisses me. Haibo! I quickly stop the Devil.
Derek: I don’t know why I’m suddenly
turned on.
Me: Bhuti, go to the toilet and let it all out.
I’m not about to spread it low and dirty in
my parents’
house.
He laughs as we walk out and make our
way outside. Thankfully, everyone is done
eating. My
mom emerges with an envelope.
Mom: Can I have everyone’s attention,
please?
They all continue chatting. Yazi this
crowd talks too damn much!
Mom: Ye nina!
There’s silence within a split second.
Zimkitha laughs.
Zimkitha: Saze savelelwa! UMam’ Teacher
naye is commanding our attention?
Everyone laughs.
Mom: Anyway, I’ve been instructed to
give you this envelope... You have to
decide who will read
what’s in it.
Zimkitha: Okay, because we are getting
old, I don’t think it’s a good idea to
participate. Lindelwa
and I will stay here.
My mom smiles and nods.
Gabi: I’ll read it.
Why am I not surprised? Lol, she’s such a
bossy lady.
She walks to my mom and takes the
envelope. She opens it and clears her
throat.
Gabi: Okay... Let’s see...
She clears her throat again.
Gabi: Welcome to the Kasi Scavenger
Hunt... This adventure will be fun-filled
and worthwhile.
You will all cooperate and work as a team
to ensure that you reach the finish line...
Buckle up
and have lots of fun!
I smile to myself. Yazi I really am great
sometimes.
Gabi: First things first... You need to
establish ground rules. Thereafter, you
should select two
people to be your leaders. We all know
that no team is successful without a
person who plays
the role of a guide. Once you have
established your rules and chosen your
two leaders, you will
receive your second set of instructions.
You have 10 minutes to finish this task.
She looks at us.
Everyone is quiet for a few seconds.
Mom: The timer has started.
Gabi: I’d like to nominate Ziyanda.
Nomvuyo: You can’t nominate Ziyanda,
she’s the one who planned this.
Gabi: Oh...
Nomvuyo rolls her eyes. I’m sure she
thinks Gabi is some dummy. Lol this one
hates everyone.
Nolwazi: I’d like to nominate Nandi.
Nandi: Oh, no!
Dean: I second that. I think we need
Nandi’s calm vibe.
Malusi: Calm vibe, huh?
Nandi punches Malusi lightly and he
chuckles.
Derek: What about Nomvuyo?
Dean: Uhm...
Nomvuyo: Uthi nyum. Nyum what?
Dean: You’ve just proven why you can’t
lead us. You’re too temperamental.
Liwa: But, no one here knows Soweto
better than Nomvuyo.
Gabi: Really? How?
Liwa chuckles.
Nomvuyo: We’re not all trapped in the
suburbs. There’s life out there.
Ooops!
Watching all them go back and forth is
proving to be quite entertaining.
Joe: Okay, here’s a suggestion. How about
we go around and discuss the pros and
cons for
everyone?
They stay silent, thinking about what Joe’s
just said.
Gabi: There’s no time! We’re left with 7
minutes!
Liwa: Shit, all in favour of Nandi raise
your hand.
Everyone raises a hand.
Liwa: Good. Now who’ll be the second
leader?
Gabi: Joey?
Dean: Uh-uh we can’t have two calm
people. We need balance.
Gabi: Gosh.
Malusi: I think Nolwazi should lead with
Nandi.
Everyone is quiet.
Liwa: All in favDean:
Why don’t you lead, Liwa? You seem to
have taken the role already?
Liwa: Silly old me? I mean, it comes
naturally.
Dean: All in favour of Liwa?
Everyone raises their hand.
Liwa: Great.
Liwa looks at my mom.
Mom: 5 minutes.
Liwa: Ground rules?
Nandi: When it comes to figuring out our
tasks, you cannot speak unless you’ve
been given
permission by either me, or Liwa.
Dean: I t-
Nandi looks at Dean and he sighs.
Nandi: Good. Now, what else?
Joe raises a hand.
Nandi: Joe.
Joe: How about we have one basic rule...
Everything has to be approved by the
leaders?
Liwa: Perfect. So, you can’t talk without
our approval, you can’t make decisions
without our
approval...
Nandi: If you agree, say aye.
Everyone says aye.
I can tell that Dean is a nervous wreck. I
just want to hug him.
Liwa: Okay, so we’re sorted...
He looks at my mom.
Liwa: Can we get the next set of
instructions?
Mom: Right on time.
She gives it to him and he gives it to
Nandi. Nandi opens it and begins reading.
Nandi: Well done! You’ve now established
your rules, and you’ve chosen your
leaders... Below is
a riddle... The answer to this riddle will let
you know where your next stop is. Good
luck!
She looks at us.
Malusi: This is some serious Amazing
Race shit.
They all chuckle.
Nandi: Okay, let me read the riddle.
She sighs as she focuses on the paper.
Nandi: People across the world travel just
to come experience my amazing vibe and
rich
history. I am home to some phenomenal
South African past politicians, but there’s
one in
particular, that managed to shake the
entire world. Where am I?
Nandi looks at us.
Derek: Easy... Orlando...
Everyone agrees. Nandi continues
reading.
Nandi: Go to this phenomenal politician’s
home... Once closely there, you will find
something
truly funny, entertaining and shocking...
There, you will find your next clue. You
have 20 minutes
max.
Liwa: Let’s go, people!
I’ve never seen a bunch of grown ass
people this excited in my life!
Zimkitha: Good luck!
Lindelwa: See you later!
We say goodbye as we walk out of the
yard.
Liwa: Zi, we can’t use our cars?
I shake my head.
Liwa: Okay. Where do we get taxis?
Nomvuyo: Over there, snobby.
Liwa: I’ll punish you later wena...
Nomvuyo chuckles as she leads us to
where we can get taxis. Derek is holding
my hand...
Gabi: So, how do we point? I’ve seen
people point up on TV.
Nomvuyo points down.
Gabi: Make sure it’s one of those
minibuses.
Malusi: We don’t have time to be picky,
Gabi.
Gabi sighs. She definitely looks out of
place.
Within minutes, an empty Siyaya stops
and we climb in.
Did I mention how funny these people
look right now? I keep laughing to myself.
Nomvuyo sits at the front with the driver.
Gabi and Nandi are on the first row.
Joe and Malusi are behind them.
Nolwazi and Dean are on the third row.
Liwa, Derek and I are on the back seat.
Nomvuyo: Hello, bhuti.
Taxi driver looks at Nomvuyo and smiles.
Driver: Waze wamuhle ntokazi. U-right
kodwa?
Nomvuyo: Ngi-right... Please take us to
Vilakazi.
Driver: Niyaphi?
Nomvuyo: Mandela’s house.
Driver: Anything for wena dali.
Liwa: Ngizonyisa inja...
Me: Liwa, shh...
Liwa: Hai man.
Me: You can’t be starting shit with taxi
drivers.
He groans as he watching from a
distance... Nomvuyo is laughing and
giggling away.
Akumnandi pha phambili. Zilekese, ziRice
Krispies, snap crackle and pop, I tell you.
Taxi driver
is in heaven with his new woman.
Liwa is just fuming... Poor man... He shall
be strong, because it is what it is, it does
what it do.
Lol, I look forward to this Scavenger
Hunt... Ngathi kuzoba mnandi.
INSERT 117 (Unedited)
Gabi: I love the vibe here!
Nolwazi: It’s definitely a great vibe.
Liwa: Okay, so the note says we have to
be on the lookout for something funny
and
entertaining.
We all look around. I already know what
they’re supposed to look for, but I’m not
going to
participate. I watch as they look around
trying to figure out the answer.
Nandi: Does it say we should go inside the
museum?
Nolwazi: No it said once we’re around the
area, we’ll see it...
Malusi: What the fuck could it be?
Gabi: Maybe it’s those girls dancing over
there.
Everyone looks at a group of young girls
dressed in traditional attire, singing and
dancing.
Dean: The note said funny and
entertaining...
Joe: Ya, they may be entertaining, but I
doubt they’re funny.
Derek wraps his arm around my
shoulders.
Me: Why aren’t you helping your friends?
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Derek: They don’t deserve me.
He gets closer to my ear.
Derek: I figured it out. I know what
they’re supposed to spot.
Me: Do you, now?
He smiles and nods.
Derek: I’ve been here a couple of times...
I’ve seen this shocking, funny and
entertaining thing.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Hmm.
Nomvuyo: Derek, we would appreciate
your help! Stop holding on to Ziyanda and
work with us!
Derek: Dramatic much?
Nomvuyo pulls him away from me.
Nomvuyo: What are you thinking?
Derek: I don’t think it is here.
Nomvuyo: What is it?
Nomvuyo: Come on, Vuvu... You know
this...
Nomvuyo looks around... She’s getting
frustrated.
Suddenly, she exclaims.
Nomvuyo: Guys!
Everyone stops talking and looks at her.
Nomvuyo: Let’s go down the street.
Gabi: But-
Nomvuyo: Let’s go!
Liwa: Do you have an idea?
Nomvuyo nods and leads the way. We all
follow her down.
Malusi: Oh shit.
We all stand there.
Gabi: How is this even possible?
We all stare at the guy busy doing stunts
with a 1.25 coke bottle.
It’s amazing, and I can never get over him.
He throws that bottle around and catches
it with his
foot, and then he throws it again and it
lands on his back, and he balances it with
his bum.
We continue staring in shock and
amazement.
Nandi: This is it! Or rather, here he is!
They all chuckle. Once he’s done, we walk
towards him and clap. Liwa take out his
wallet, and
puts 100 bucks on the guy’s money bag.
Gabi: Hi, bhuti, how are you?
Him: Ngi-grand, my sister...
Gabi takes out her purse from her Gucci
backpack and takes out 100 bucks and
gives it to him.
Gabi: I’ve never seen such! Well done!
The guy smiles.
Him: I’ve been doing this for many years
now. Thank you, my sister.
Gabi: That was phenomenal!
Liwa: I’m guessing you’ve been informed
about us?
The guy chuckles and nods.
Him: Yes... Here’s your envelope.
He takes it out of his pocket and gives it to
Liwa.
Liwa: Thanks, buddy.
Nolwazi: Bye!
We all walk away.
Nandi: Ziyanda, you are something!
Joe: How in the world did you even get
this guy?
I laugh and shrug.
Nandi: Okay, let’s read the next clue.
They all quieten and focus on Nandi as
she opens the folded envelope and starts
reading.
Nandi: Well done! You have reached your
second stop... Now that you’re all warmed
up, get
ready for the next part of your amazing
journey!
Nolwazi: Can we just take a moment to
applaud Zizi? This is so creative!
Joe: Impressive.
I smile.
Nandi: Here’s your second riddle...
Nandi glances at everyone.
Nandi: Ready?
They all nod.
Nandi: I was opened by the Minister of
Bantu Development, MC de Wet Nel, and
Ian Maltz, who
was then Mayor of Johannesburg.
They all look at each other in confusion.
Dean: Ziyanda, you do know that we’re all
finance people, right? And we have a
bunch of
housewives.
Nomvuyo: I don’t even have a degree!
Gabi: Gosh, and I hated History!
I giggle and shake my head.
Me: It’s very easy! Carry on reading,
Nandi.
Nandi nods and they all focus again.
Nandi: On June 16, 1976, thousands of
black students marched regarding the
education
system and learning in Afrikaans...
They all look at each other awkwardly.
My goodness, these people don’t even
know their
history! I look at Derek in
disappointment. He smiles slyly and I sigh
in relief. Clearly he knows
the answer, but he’s pretending not to.
Boy, am I relieved! I was going to get
turned off instantly!
Nandi: Guys, does anyone of an idea?
Nomvuyo: Let’s retrace our history...
Nomvuyo: When the students protested,
where were they supposed to meet?
Malusi: I know there’s something about
Morris Isaacson.
Gabi: And Hector Pieterson.
Liwa: This is embarrassing...
They all chuckle.
Me: This is very embarrassing. How do
you people not know your history??
They look at each other ashamedly.
Me: Sies! I’m going to prepare a lesson
and I’ll teach you...
Nolwazi: We do know our history, it’s just
those specific details...
Nomvuyo: Is there another clue, Nandi?
Nandi sighs as she reads.
Nandi: I was originally built for the
Johannesburg Bantu Football Association
and I have a
seating capacity of-
Dean: Fucken Orlando Stadium!
Liwa: Fuck, yes!
Gabi: Wow, I still wouldn’t have figured it
out.
Me: So, you only get the answer once
soccer is mentioned? Sies!
Nandi: Okay, focus!
They keep quiet.
Nandi: More than anything, this race is
showing me that we’re a bunch of
uncultured snobs. I’m
so ashamed!
Malusi: Oh, please. It’s nothing a few
lessons from Dlamini won’t fix...
He looks at me with a grin and I look at
him blankly. Still don’t like him, doubt I
ever will.
Nandi: Alright, let’s get going, people!
Nomvuyo: We have to go up the road in
order to get taxis.
We all make our way to the main road
and sure enough, there are taxis.
Gabi: So, where’s the Hector Pieterson
thingie?
Hector Pieterson thingie? Haibo, guys!
Nomvuyo: Up there...
Gabi: We should come back some time.
Me: Clearly you do. Angithi you don’t
know your history.
Derek places his arm around my
shoulders and plants a kiss on my cheek.
Derek: Can’t wait for the private history
lessons, baby.
I smile.
Me: It’s on.
Gabi: There is no time for all of this!
Nomvuyo do the pointing thing so we can
go!
Dean: You people are such snobs.
Nolwazi: You people?
Dean: I’m very street smart.
Nolwazi: Okay, bhuti, keep telling yourself
that.
Soon, a Quantum stops, and we all get in.
Nolwazi: I hate to admit it, but this is
much better than that taxi we got first.
She sits next to Dean and he wraps his
arm around her shoulders.
Derek and I are sitting behind them, at the
back seat.
Derek: That was entertaining...Turns out
my people are dumb.
Me: Your words, not mine.
He chuckles and plants a kiss on my lips.
Liwa, who insisted that Nomvuyo sit next
to him this time around, looks back at us
from the
first row.
Liwa: Derek, it’s your turn to pay!
Derek: I don’t carry cash. Ask the driver if
he has a speed point.
Me: Derek!
He laughs.
Derek: I’m kidding.
He takes out some money from his wallet
and gives it to Nolwazi, who gives it to
Nandi, who
gives it to Liwa, who gives it to the driver.
Me: For a second there, I thought I lost
you to the Snob Club.
Derek: Never, baby...
He chuckles.
Derek: Unlike them, I know the struggle.
Me: Hai suka, you struggled for five nyana
years.
He laughs.
Derek: Ok’salayo, I struggled.
Eventually, we get to Orlando Stadium.
Gabi: Where exactly are we going?
Malusi: Nandi, read the clue again.
Nandi: Okay.
She takes out the paper and continues
reading from where she left off.
Nandi: Once you reach your destination,
you should figure out where to get your
next clue.
Solve the following easy riddle...
Joe: Hopefully, it’s nothing historical!
They all look at me and I shrug.
Nandi: It says... I am a homophone...
Before moving on, discuss what a
homophone is.
Thereafter, each of you should give an
example. You cannot move on until
everyone has given
an example! Good luck!
Nolwazi: Easy. It’s two or more words
that are pronounced the same, but have
different
meanings or spellings.
Derek: Correct.
Dean: Here we go again with the teacher
shit. You two need to stop treating us like
we’re your
students!
Nandi: Hey! Focus!
Everyone keeps quiet.
Liwa: I’ll start... Hear and here.
Joe: Buy and by.
Gabi: More like, Joey should BUY Gabi an
engagement ring BY the end of the month.
Everyone laughs.
Gabi: I’m serious-
Nomvuyo: Back to examples. We don’t
have time to waste.
I chuckle. Gabi sighs and rolls her eyes.
Gabi: Heal and heel.
Dean: Flower and flour.
Malusi: Hour and our.
Nolwazi: Not and knot.
Wowzer, what a coincidence. She’s going
to tie the knot soon phela.
Nandi: Whole and hole.
Malusi: Hmm...
Nandi: Don’t be naughty wena.
They chuckle.
Liwa: Is that everyone?
Nolwazi: Derek?
Derek: Weigh and way.
Liwa: Perfect!
Me: I also want to give an example!
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini, not now.
I laugh.
Liwa is such a competitive man! It’s funny
to watch!
Liwa: Alright, so everyone has given their
examples... Nandi, carry on...
Nandi focuses on the paper.
Nandi: Alright, now that you have an
understanding of homophones, here’s
your clue...
She clears her throat.
Nandi: I am somewhere around this area...
Kids love me, because I have everything
they like... If
you can’t figure me out, think of
Muvhango.
They all look at each other.
Liwa: What the fuck?
They all begin to look around.
Nolwazi: What are we even looking for?
Dean: Something kids like...
Gabi: There’s a school there with a
playground.
Dean: But how does that relate to
Muvhango?
Joe: Hmm...
We walk around for a bit. I just want to
slap some sense into all of them. The
answer is literally
around the corner!
5 minutes have gone past.
Derek: Wait a minute...
They all stop walking.
Derek: Remember, what we’re looking for
has to be a homophone...
They all look at him.
Derek: Meaning, there’s a correlation
between Muvhango, and whatever this
other thing is...
Malusi: What could kids possibly like
here?
Just then, two kids run past us. We all
stare at them and our eyes follow them.
Nandi: They’re going to that woman over
there...
There’s an old woman selling sweets and
chips by the corner.
Malusi: Okay, so the woman is the clue...
Nolwazi: But, how does Muvhango fit into
this?
All of a sudden, Derek bursts out laughing,
and they all look at him. Seconds later,
Gabi laughs
as well.
Gabi: Oh my goodness!
Liwa: We’d appreciate it if you would
share the joke.
Gabi and Derek look at each other.
Derek: Go ahead and tell them, Gabi.
How gentlemanly of him.
Gabi: Guys! What’s the main language
used in Muvhango??
Nomvuyo: Venda.
There’s silence for a few seconds.
Suddenly, they all burst out in laughter.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
I join in the laughter.
Malusi: Shit... Venda vs... Vendor... That
lady is a street vendor!
They continue laughing.
Nandi: Alright, guys. Let’s go get our clue
from the street vendor!
We all make our way to the old woman.
Derek places his arm around my
shoulders.
Derek: Sneaky girl.
Me: I was worried there for a second...
Lol, let the journey continue!
INSERT 118 (Short and Unedited)
They now have their next letter...
Nandi: Congratulations, everyone! Before
reading your next clue, please reflect on
your journey
thus far... What have you done well? What
do you need to work on in order for you
to work
effectively as a team?
She then looks at everyone.
Malusi: Should we start with what we
have done well?
Everyone nods.
Malusi: I think, in an unexplainable way,
our personalities just blend well.
Nolwazi: I agree, we all have very strong
personalities, but somehow, we’re a good
unit.
Derek: The only problem is that we all
speak at the same time when we’re
passionate.
Joe: But, we have Ziyanda now, so she can
always do one of her attention grabbing
signals.
We all laugh.
These people, man... I think I love them.
More than anything, I admire them. I am
surrounded by
black, powerful men and women. The
men prioritise their families, work extra
hard to ensure
that their families are taken care of, and
they are genuinely caring! The women are
not just
“decorations.” They are strong, confident
women and they also prioritise their
families. All of
these people are not just intellectually
impressive, but their emotional
intelligence is
astounding. Their love is powerful.
They’re all vibrating on the same
frequency. This shit is rare
to find. We’re so used to backstabbing
friendships and unnecessary drama, but
these people
defy all of that. To me, they are the
epitome of black excellence and I’m
beyond grateful that I
get to interact with them. I learn and
laugh at the same time whenever I’m
around them...
Anyway, after a quick reflection session,
Nandi continues reading the letter.
Nandi: Now that you have reflected on
your journey thus far, you can move on to
your clue...
She turns over the paper.
Nandi: I am a 65 000 square-metre
development and cost R650 000 000 to
build.
They all look at each other thoughtfully.
Nandi: I officially opened in September
2007. I am owned by a South African
entrepreneur and
property developer, in partnership with
Investec and ZenProp property holdings. I
am
symbolised by an elephant.
Dean: Easy, Maponya Mall.
Nolwazi: Hmm, impressive, Hlongz.
Dean chuckles.
Nomvuyo: I’m not sure if we can get taxis
to Maponya from this side, so I suggest we
go to
Bara.
Nandi: Isn’t Bara a hospital?
Nomvuyo chuckles.
Nomvuyo: You guys are shameful. Bara is
not only hospital, there’s a mall and taxi
rank.
Gabi: You’ve clearly been around Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Mmm. Let’s get going.
We all cross the road and make our way
to the other side. They ask some locals
how they’re
supposed to point, and minutes later,
we’re in a taxi, making our way to Bara...
***
We’re now in a taxi to Maponya Mall.
I’m not feeling well.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: Just a headache.
He looks at me suspiciously.
I think I’ve been in the sun for too long. I
feel heavy and congested.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: I need water.
He nods lightly.
After a while, we arrive at Maponya Mall
and make our way to the big elephant.
Derek: Ziyanda and I are going to get
water for you guys.
Nandi: Thank you, I’m starting to feel
dehydrated.
He takes my hand and we walk in.
Derek: Are you still in pain?
Me: It’s nothing deep.
Derek: I don’t believe you.
Me: Derek, I’m fine.
We walk to PicknPay and get bottles of
water.
Derek: Let’s get you something to snack
on as well. You haven’t eaten since earlier
on.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: Roll your eyes all you want.
He gets me some biltong and we go to the
till and pay. Once we’re done, we head
back to the
elephant statue outside and find everyone
there. We give them the plastic and they
each take a
bottle of water.
Derek: So, what does the next clue say?
Nandi takes the envelope, which I assume
they got from the person I organized to be
there. She
opens it and begins reading.
Nandi: So, you’re approaching the end of
your journey... Now, it’s time for you let
loose and have
lots of fun! What you’re about to do is
going to allow you to step out of your
comfort zone!
They all look at me and I laugh.
Me: What?
Nandi continues reading.
Nandi: Below is a list of tasks you are
supposed to do. Please note that it is
absolutely
compulsory for you to complete these
tasks!
They look at me again.
Me: What??
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini, you better not
make us do weird shit.
Me: Whatever!
Nandi: Before you start, please make sure
that everything that is done from this
point is
recorded. You should decide who will be
the one who takes the video.
They all look at each other.
Derek: I volunteer.
Liwa: Perfect.
Nandi focuses on the paper and everyone
keeps quiet.
Nandi: The first task is for Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Why me??
Everyone laughs. Derek takes out his
phone and begins recording.
Nandi: Nomvuyo, go to 5 strangers and
make them tell you you’re beautiful,
without telling them
you’re playing a game. You should find
creative ways to make them tell you
you’re beautiful,
thereafter, you should get all their
numbers.
Nomvuyo: What?!
Everyone laughs loudly.
Gabi: Oh my goodness, this will be
interesting!
Malusi: I don’t think she can do it...
Dean: She won’t.
Liwa: And she doesn’t have to. Baby, l-
Nomvuyo: Gosh.
She walks off and Derek follows her,
while still recording.
Dean: She’s starting to sound just like
Dlamini. Childish lingo.
Me: Whatever, idiot!
Nolwazi: You two need to be locked up in
one room, so you can beat each other up
properly.
Me: I’d love that!
Dean: Oh, ple-
Liwa: I think we should go check on Vuvu.
Malusi: Relax, she won’t run off with these
strangers.
Liwa groans. We watch, from a distance,
as Nomvuyo talks to some guys. After a
while, she
comes back with Derek, following her.
When she gets to us, she shows us the five
new contacts
on her phone.
Nomvuyo: Done and dusted.
We all cheer for her, and Liwa wraps his
arm around her and kisses her forehead.
Nomvuyo: Territorial.
Liwa: You know this.
She chuckles and gives him a hug.
Nandi: Alright, let’s move on to the next
task...
She focuses on the paper.
Nandi: The next task is for Joe.
Gabi: He better not do anything shady! I
will not allow that!
Nandi: Joe, you have to walk around and
ask for money. You need to collect a total
of R50.
Joe: Come on!
We all start laughing boldly.
Gabi: Oh, baby. I think you can be quite
persuasive...You can do it.
We continue laughing as we walk inside
the mall. Joe approaches a few people,
and they ignore
him.
After around 20 minutes, he finally
manages to convince a few girls to give
him money.
Thankfully for him, the money added up
to 60 bucks.
Joe: Fuck this shit.
He gives me the money and I laugh.
Dean: I never thought I’d see the day you
beg for money.
Joe: Mxm.
Gabi: Baby, at least you know how it feels
like to be helpless...
Joe grunts and we continue laughing at
him.
Nandi: Okay, let’s focus.
We all quieten down.
Nandi: The third task is for Dean and
Malusi.
Dean: Hell no.
Malusi: Not happening.
Nandi: You will do whatever is required.
No negotiating!
She focuses on the paper and continues
reading.
Nandi: Dean and Malusi, find a clothing
store, and try on women’s clothing- it
should be whole
attire.
Dean: WHAT?!
Malusi: Fuck, NO!
Everyone laughs.
Nolwazi: Oh my goodness!
Dean: Uyanya wena, Ziyanda. Uyanya.
Malusi: Amasimba!
We continue laughing.
Nandi: Once you have tried on the clothes,
you must go to any salesperson in the
store and ask
them to take a picture of you both.
Malusi: WHAT?!
We continue laughing. Dean looks at me
begrudgingly and I smile mischievously.
This is my
way of getting back to him for making fun
of me regarding the pregnancy.
Liwa: Diana and Miranda, stop wasting
our time!
Nomvuyo: Let’s go to Mr. Price.
Nolwazi: How about Edgars? The sizes
there are a bit accommodating.
Liwa: Edgars it is!
We continue laughing at them.
INSERT 119
We’re now at Edgars and kushubile to say
the least.
Dean is so pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever
seen him like this.
Malusi naye is beyond angry, but I don’t
really care about him.
Nomvuyo: Okay, we’ve been standing
here for 15 minutes!
Joe: Didi and Mimi, let’s find your sizes!
We all laugh.
Dean: I’m not doing this shit.
Nolwazi: Langa, phela if you don’t do it,
you’re not coming home with me.
Dean looks at Nolwazi sharply and she
smiles sweetly.
Nolwazi: You have to do it.
We continue laughing.
Just then, a sales lady approaches us. She
scans the crowd and I can tell that she is
smitten by
all these men. Once again, they manage to
make a space seem very small, just by
their
presence.
Lady: Hi, everyone. My name is Lebo. How
may I help you?
Nandi: Hi, dear. We’re looking for nice
elegant dresses.
Nomvuyo: Dresses? Uh-uh we want
leggings and nice girlie tops.
Everyone bursts out in laughter.
Dean tries to walk away, but Liwa stops
him.
Lebo: Alright, uhm, we have a range of
leggings.
Gabi: Dear, I think we’ll manage to find
what we need. Thank you for your
assistance.
Lebo: Oh.
Lebo walks off with her tail between her
legs.
Nomvuyo: Thanks for dealing with that...
Gabi: I can spot them from a mile away.
Liwa: Wow.
I look at Derek. I almost forgot about him,
because he’s the designated video man.
He gets
closer to me and kisses me.
Derek: Miss you.
Me: Right back at ya.
Derek: Thanks for not giving me that task.
Me: I’d never!
He chuckles and continues taking the
video. I want them to look back at such
moments and
appreciate each other even more.
We all walk to the leggings section and
Nolwazi begins going through the sizes.
Nandi: Malusi has always been a grey type
of man...
Nolwazi: And Dean is a navy guy.
This is so funny. I’m worried that Dean
will never forgive me, but I’ll deal with
that later.
Gabi: Let me get the tops.
Nomvuyo: I’ll help...
Gabi and Nomvuyo walk off.
I look at Dean. He gives me the coldest
look and I shiver. I refuse to feel bad! He
tortured me
regarding this pregnancy, so he must pay!
Nolwazi and Nandi pick the sizes and
show us.
Nolwazi: There you go, daddy.
She laughs as Dean snatches the navy
leggings.
Nandi: Thatha baba ka Lele.
Malusi snatches the grey leggings.
We continue laughing.
Gabi walks back with two tops.
Gabi: Now, because Malusi has such a
sexy body, I think this white sleeveless
shirtdress is
perfect. It will show off his amazing arms,
you know?
Everyone is just laughing like lunatics.
Nomvuyo: And then, for Dean, I selected a
lovely crop top. Seeing as he as a great
torso, I would
like him to show it off, you know? Also,
it’s summer, kuyashisha.
We continue laughing.
Nandi: Alright then, please go to the
dressing room and do your thing.
Nolwazi literally had to push Dean in
there...
We’re now standing by the dressing
room.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini, I will never forget
this shit.
Nomvuyo: Very special.
Liwa: You literally managed to strip off
these idiots’ masculinity!
We laugh.
Liwa: I’ll always remind them of this day.
I check the time and it’s now around 1pm.
We’re behind... Thankfully, we’re almost
done.
Out of nowhere, Nandi lets out a scream.
We all look towards the dressing room
entrance and
scream as well.
Malusi stands there with leggings and a
very tight shirtdress, the buttons are
holding on for
dear life! Oh my goodness!
Nandi: Lusi!
She has her phone and is busy taking
pictures.
Nandi: You better worrrk, baby daddy!
Liwa is literally on the floor, dying from
laughter. If I was Malusi, I’d be in tears. I’d
be dying from
humiliation. Liwa’s laugh is just like
Dean’s. It’s that laugh that makes you feel
so small, that
you end up doubting your existence.
Malusi looks at everyone blankly. I think
the only way he’s dealing with this is by
drifting off into
another world and zoning us out. Lol, I
kinda feel bad for him, because the way
these people are
laughing at him? Kuyanyiwa.
After a while, Nolwazi walks in the
dressing room. Dean seems to be refusing
to come out,
because we waited a long time.
Eventually Nolwazi walks out. She was
clearly holding in her laughter.
Nolwazi: Take it easy on him, okay?
We all look at Liwa, who has finally
recovered from Malusi’s grand entrance.
Liwa: I can’t make any promises.
We all keep quiet and look at the
entrance.
I am so nervous and excited.
Within a minute, Dianna is standing there.
Dianna has navy leggings and a white
crop top
written “I’m sexy and I know it!”
Yhu, I tried to keep it together, but this
time around, I was on the floor with Liwa.
I didn’t even
realise that Derek was also laughing as
hard as as Liwa and I.
I was lost in a world of true raw laughter
for such a long time, that when I finally
recovered, I
was beyond dizzy.
Dean is so angry, he could kill me, and I
know it.
Nandi: Alright then, you two need to go to
any salesperson and ask for a picture.
Malusi: Can we get this shit over and done
with?
Malusi walks off and comes back with
Lebo, who is confused and amused.
Malusi: Take a picture of us.
Nandi: Haibo Lusi, not even a “please?”
Malusi: Nandipha, just shut the fuck up.
We all laugh.
The salesperson takes Liwa’s phone and
takes lots of pictures of Diana and
Miranda.
Nolwazi: Langa, you have to smile.
Dean doesn’t say anything.
Gabi: I think we should add bagsMalusi:
Don’t fuck with me.
Gabi: But, it w-
Diana is already walking back to the
dressing room. Miranda follows him and
we continue
laughing.
Liwa: Shit, man. Fucken shit!
We finally finish up, after many laughs. I
don’t think I have ever laughed this much
in my entire
life. Lebo walks to us with an envelope.
She gives it to Nandi, who reads it.
Nandi: Hopefully, this was a fun activity
that you all enjoyed, except for Dean and
Malusi.
Liwa: Damn right we enjoyed that shit.
Nandi: Seeing as you’re at the mall, it is
time to go shopping! The aim is for each
of you to shop
for a semi-casual outfit. Yes, this is not
Saxton or Rosebank, so you will work
with what you
have here. Seeing as you’re all couples, it
is important for your outfits to
complement each
other. Ladies, please get your necessary
makeup as well. Go wild, and have fun!
You have 30
minutes to shop. Once you’ve found the
perfect outfits, you should gather by the
elephant
statue outside, where your next clue will
be.
Nandi looks at us.
Nandi: Comprende?
We all nod.
Nandi: It’s 13:30 right now. Let’s meet by
the statue at 13:55?
We all nod.
Nandi: Alright then, people. See ya later...
She looks at Malusi.
Nandi: Are we a couple right now?
Malusi: Mxm.
Konje these two have their issues. I need
to find out from Nomvuyo whether Nandi
is seeing
someone else.
I finally have Derek all to myself! I’m not
one to be all touchy feely in public, but
right now, I’m
doing the most. And as usual, Derek is
enjoying it. He seems to like it when I’m
clingy.
Derek: What are we going to wear?
Me: How about we start at McD’s and get
me a McFlurry?
Derek: You want ice-cream?
I nod.
Derek: Okay.
We walk to McD’s and get me some ice-
cream. Once we’re done, we walk around.
Derek: I can’t believe you planned this
entire day by yourself.
Me: Well, I did get help.
Derek: From whom?
I chuckle.
Me: Jeff.
Derek: Ah... I see... The escort guy?
I laugh.
Me: He’s the one who sorted out the
people and gave them the clues.
Derek: Hmm... Is this our last task?
Me: Not really, but it’s the last crazy
activity.
He chuckles.
Derek: Dean neh...
Me: He will never forgive me.
Derek: Hai suka...
***
It’s now 13:55 and we’re all here except
for Joe and Gabi.
Me: Can someone call them?
Nandi calls her and tells her we’re ready
to leave. After 10 minutes, they walk to
where we are.
Gabi: We couldn’t find the perfect outfit
for Joey.
Nandi: Did you end up finding something?
Gabi: I guess.
Just then, one of the car guards comes to
us and Nandi takes the envelope from
him.
Nandi begins reading.
Nandi: Well done on making it this far!
You should all be proud!
Dean hasn’t even looked at me. He hates
me!
Nandi: A taxi should be pulling up close to
where you are right now. Here is the
number plate...
Nandi reads the number plate and we all
see a Quantum close to where we are.
Nandi: This taxi will take you to a house,
where you will all freshen up. Thereafter,
you will get
your next clue.
Gabi: Whose house is this?
I roll my eyes.
I don’t need her snobbish negativity right
now. I’m hungry and exhausted.
We all walk to the taxi and get in...
Jeff was kind enough to let me use his
Soweto double storey. I’m sure a lot of
hoeish activities
take place in it, but it is what it is.
***
At around 3pm, we’re all fresh and ready.
Nandi: You look amazing guys!
Liwa: We clean up nicely.
Nandi: Okay, so we’re ready now.
Nomvuyo: And hungry.
Liwa rubs her belly.
Liwa: Ziyanda, I hope we’re going to eat
now.
I shrug.
I’m also starving.
Nandi: Everyone ready?
Nolwazi: Dean is still upstairs.
Me: I’ll get him.
Nolwazi chuckles.
Nolwazi: And apologize to him, please.
Me: Okay.
I walk up to the bedroom and knock on
the door. I walk in and find Dean sitting
on the bed.
Me: Is it safe to come in?
He looks at me blankly and I walk in
anyway, and close the door. I sit next to
him and sigh.
Me: I’m not sorry.
He looks at me and I smile innocently.
Me: You made fun of me as well! I didn’t
mope around!
Dean: You had a hissy fit.
Me: Argh, fuck off.
He chuckles lightly and I smile.
Me: Are you ready?
He sighs and nods.
Me: I’m nervous.
Dean: I’m shitting my pants.
Me: She doesn’t even have a clue!
He groans.
Dean: We had a great day. Thank you.
Me: Anything for you, meanie.
I stand and pull him up.
Me: Let’s do this!
I wrap my arms around him and we share
a hug.
Me: Asambe.
We walk out and make our way
downstairs to everyone.
Nandi finds an envelope in the kitchen
and reads it.
Nandi: You’re almost there! The finish
line is near! Now that you’re all fresh, go
outside and get
in your taxi. It will take you to your next
destination.
Gabi: This is a nice house, Zi. Who owns
it?
Me: A friend.
Gabi: Hmm, okay.
We all walk out and get in the taxi.
***
Within 15 minutes, we’re driving in
eUbuntu Kraal.
Nomvuyo: When last was I here...
Nolwazi: Is this a park?
Nomvuyo: Events take place here.
Nolwazi: Ohh...
Gabi: Is that set up for us?
Nolwazi: Wait, is that my family??
We all walk towards the large round table
that is set up. It’s absolutely exquisite! I
am happy!
Thandeka, Dumakude, Mdu, Zimkitha,
Lindelwa, and Xolani are all here!
Nolwazi: Mama, what are you doing
here??
Thandeka: Ziyanda invited us for a late
lunch.
I look at Nolwazi’s dad. Lol, he reminds
me so much of my father. However, my
father doesn’t
look mean. He’s kind until you come at
him sideways. Nolwazi’s father, on the
other hand,
seems to be mean 24/7.
Everyone shares hugs and we all sit.
Zimkitha: How was your day?
Nomvuyo: Tiring!
Nolwazi: It was amazing. I’ve never spent
such a long time in Soweto.
Thandeka: It’s our fault. We should have
gotten a house this side.
Nolwazi: I doubt that Ivy would even
agree to live this side.
Me: Hey! What are you trying to say?
They laugh.
We continue chatting for a while.
I’m a nervous mess, but I can’t imagine
how Dean feels!
INSERT 120 (Unedited)
Gosh, as soon as I see Ivy walking towards
us, I feel my whole mood reach a zero.
Ivy: Heyyy!
Everyone greets her back excitedly. I feel
Derek’s hand brushing my thigh and I
look at him. He
gives me an encouraging smile and I sigh.
I’ll just have to suck it up and ignore her.
Ivy: Dad is even here??
Thandeka: It took a lot of convincing.
Ivy: He likes acting fresh vele.
They all laugh. She then looks at me and
doesn’t say anything.
Nolwazi: Uhm, Zamo, come sit next to me.
She then sits on the empty seat between
Joe and Nolwazi.
I’m sitting in between Dean and Derek. I
keep glancing at Dean, and I can tell that
he is dying
from nerves.
After a few minutes, I see Mdu
approaching the table. I avoid how good
he looks by focusing on
Derek.
Me: I need the bathroom. I’ll be back.
Derek: Can I go with you?
Me: No. Stay here.
He groans as I stand and walk off...
When I come back, everyone is still
chatting and laughing. I look over at
Xolani and I can tell
that he’s not 100% fine. He’s not his usual
carefree self. I make a mental reminder to
check on
him as soon as all of this is done.
Just then, one of our waiters gives Nandi
an envelope.
Nandi: Thank you, dear.
She opens it and begins reading.
Nandi: Welcome to the last part of your
race. Here, you get to relax and have fun
with your loved
ones. Your last task is very simple: Use
this time to tell your partner how much
you love them
and why you value them so much. Take
the time to appreciate each other as a
group as well.
Nandi puts down the paper and looks at
everyone with a smile.
Zimkitha: Clearly this race was great. We
should have joined you.
Liwa: It was quite insightful. Dianna and
Miranda came out to play.
Everyone laughs for a good 5 minutes.
Dumakude: You’ll have to send me these
pictures. When Hlongwane troubles me,
I’ll pull out the
big guns.
They continue laughing. I’m out here
stressed for Dean.
Zimkitha: Anyway, seeing as I don’t have a
partner-
Liwa: Don’t lie. I’m sure you have a line of
old men waiting on you.
Zimkitha laughs sweetly.
Zimkitha: Hai suka wena. I’m too old to
date.
Liwa chuckles sarcastically.
Zimkitha: Anyway, I’ll start this circle of
love.
Everyone focuses on her as she smiles.
She really is the foundation of this circle;
she brings all
of them together.
Zimkitha: So, I am very grateful for having
all of you in my life. The love in this circle
is
absolutely mind-blowing! We fuss and
fight all the time, but we always learn
from our mistakes.
It takes a great deal of maturity to put
aside your interests just to ensure that
the next person is
good. We all vibrate on the same
frequency.
Nolwazi: Vibrate on the same frequency...
I love that!
Zimkitha nods and smiles.
Zimkitha: My hope is that once I’m dead,
you’ll continue loving each other so
deeply.
Thandeka: That’s my hope as well. I love
how tight you are. Your bond is special.
You push each
other, in a positive way, to reach your
goals. Keep it up!
Ivy: Mama, wena why do you love the evil
man over there?
Everyone laughs (the guys are laughing a
bit nervously).
As much as I don’t like this girl, I’m glad
she asked this question. I’m very curious
about the
Dumakudes. I don’t spend much time with
them, so I want to know more.
Thandeka: The first thing that attracted
me to him was the fact that he had a
bright future. Yes,
he wasn’t wealthy, but I could tell that he
was going to build an empire for himself.
Ivy: Wow, so you were a gold digger?
Thandeka: I was... The gold wasn’t there,
so I had to dig very deeply.
We all laugh.
Thandeka: I was getting my degrees
phela, so there was no way I was going to
date an
uneducated man with no vision. With
Vusi, I would tell that he was going to be
successful. He
had the drive and ambition.
Ivy: Manje wena baba why did you ask
mom out?
Dumakude: Because of her beauty.
Nolwazi: Wow, shallow much?
Dumakude: I wanted a pretty woman
with no substance.
Nolwazi: Wow!
Sies! This man has no shame!
Dumakude: When I asked her out, she
told me she’d never go out with the likes
of me.
Ivy: Likes of you?
Thandeka: He was very rural and
uncivilised. He was a legitimate farm boy.
Everyone laughs.
Dumakude: I have no idea why I was
attracted to her feistiness. I had never
been with an
outspoken girl. I can’t explain what made
me want her more.
Thandeka: Don’t lie. You know very well
that I introduced you to some great sexual
experiences.
Mdu: REALLY?!
Nolwazi: DISGUSTING!
Ivy: Yaaas mama, yaaas!
Everyone laughs.
Nolwazi: We can stop having this
discussion now!
Dumakude chuckles.
Dumakude: Your mother and I are very
compatible. What she brings to the table
is completely
different to what I bring. We’ve built a
great life for ourselves and I don’t think
I’d do it with
anyone else. Because we’re so different,
we find ourselves making a lot of
compromises. It’s
been said that the greatest trip one can
make is to meet other people halfway...
That’s basically
how we’ve made it this far. Relationships
aren’t daisies and roses. It takes a lot of
work. Just
because you’re in love with each other, it
doesn’t mean you won’t have days where
you want
nothing to do with each other. It takes
maturity to work through the lows and
leave them behind
once you’ve sorted things out.
Ivy: Preeach!
Thandeka: That was beautiful, baby.
She gets closer to Dumakude and kisses
his cheek.
Mdu grunts and I look at him. He is
definitely a mini version of his father.
Zimkitha: I think the authenticity of the
love in this circle can also be seen through
Nandi and
Malusi. You two are divorced, but you’ve
maintained a good relationship.
I look at Malusi.
He doesn’t seem to agree, but he’s sucking
it up. That’s what you get for breaking up
your
family. Uzoqina.
I listen to everyone go on and on about
why they love each other. I’m genuinely
happy in this
moment. Love is special! It’s great to see
people loving each other so openly and
sincerely.
After a while, everyone focuses on
Nolwazi and Dean.
Nolwazi: Is it our turn?
Zimkitha chuckles.
Zimkitha: You two are so mysterious. Tell
us why you love each other!
Nolwazi: We’re not mysterious!
Ivy: The only person who’s mysterious
here is Mdu! I will make it a point to find
out who’s been
keeping his shady ass busy!
Nolwazi clears her throat as Mdu tightens
his jaw.
Nolwazi looks at Dean and smiles.
Nolwazi: Langa is my person, guys. I love
this man.
Ivy: I must admit that you’re my goals. I’m
beyond glad you’re done with that fool,
Kwanele!
I take a sip of my water.
Nolwazi clears her throat once again. I
feel Derek’s hand on my thigh again. He
knows this girl
is intentionally trying to get to me.
Nolwazi: Anyway, Dean reminds me of my
dad. Protective and full of love. I got a
good one here.
Aww! Surely, this is a good time for Dean
to slide in??
I pinch Dean’s thigh and he clears his
throat.
Nolwazi: You don’t have to say anything. I
know you’re not much of a talker when it
comes to
such.
Everyone laughs.
Dean: I want to.
Everyone quietens down and listens.
My heart is pounding!
Dean: We’ve known each other for many
years... We started off as interns many
years back, and
then we went our separate ways for a few
more years... We then got together again,
but this
time around I was your boss, and I had a
Dr. Title.
Nolwazi: Hey!
He chuckles.
Nolwazi: I’m going to start with my PhD
because I am tired of your bragging!
He sighs.
Dean: I won’t lie and say your relationship
with Kwanele made me happy. Looking
back, I’ve
always wanted to be with you, but it was
never the right time. You obviously
wouldn’t know
because you were so in love with
Kwanele.
Nolwazi shrugs.
Dean: I’ve never been one to want serious
relationships, but as soon as I heard about
that
divorce, I knew I had to make my move.
Nolwazi: But, you were very shy and
nervous.
Dean: Who? Don’t come for me.
I chuckle.
Ivy: Don’t come for me?
Nolwazi: He’s been hanging around
Ziyanda for too long.
Everyone laughs.
Liwa: Even Nomvuyo speaks like that
now.
Dean chuckles.
Dean: I wasn’t nervous... I was just careful.
Nolwazi: Hmmm.
Dean: Anyway, I’ve never felt like this
about anyone in my life. I’ve never been
filled with so
much love for a person.
Everyone says, “Awww!”
Dean: You are such a phenomenal woman.
Your heart generates love so effortlessly,
that I feel
the need to protect you even more,
because I don’t want you to be hurt.
You’ve exposed me to a
part of myself I had no idea existed. I had
no idea that I was capable of loving like
this. When
I’m with you, the rest of the world is not a
factor. You’re genuinely the apple of my
eye.
Guys, Dean! Dean Hlongwane!
Nolwazi is now teary-eyed.
Dean: When I look at our babies, my love
multiplies even more. I can’t explain it,
Nolwazi. I’m
thankful that I get to call you the mother
of my children; you and I get to raise
children
together...
Dean then stands and raises his glass.
Dean: I don’t usually do this, but I’d like
everyone to stand while I dedicate a toast
to the love of
my life and the mother of my children.
Everyone stands. I don’t know how, but
the mood has changed. Everyone is dead
quiet and all
emotional. I guess it’s because we’re not
used to this side of Dean.
Dean: Nolwazi, I love you. Thank you for
teaching me how to love. I don’t see
myself being with
anyone else.
Nolwazi wipes her tears and smiles.
Thandeka is also sobbing.
Dean: I want to spend the rest of my life
with you. I’ll never allow you to slip away
from me.
He sighs.
Is he crying? He sounds like he’s holding
back the tears!
Dean: Thank you for loving me regardless
of my flaws. I know I’m a flawed man,
everyone
knows this...
He looks around and we all chuckle.
Dean: But I feel protected in your love.
Your heart is my safe place...
Nolwazi: Langa...
He puts down his glass and rubs his eyes.
Dean: Hopefully, this is first and last time
I have to do this...
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Express your love for me?
Dean shakes his head lightly and digs in
his pocket.
As soon as everyone realises what’s
happening, they’re all screaming.
Dean is now kneeling and looking up at
Nolwazi.
Dean: I hope this is the first and last time I
ask you to marry me.
I swear I almost fainted!
Nolwazi dropped her glass and is now
looking down at Dean with pure shock!
Dean: Nolwazi, I love you with all my
heart... My family adores you, and I cannot
imagine my life
without you in it. I hope you will say yes
and make me the happiest man on Earth...
Everyone is staring in utter shock! The
only thing audible is the sobbing.
He reaches for her hand and sighs.
Dean: Will you marry me?
Nolwazi is a sobbing mess and I don’t
blame her! I’m also crying!
Nolwazi: Yes, Dean. Of course, I’ll marry
you!
As he slides the ring on her finger,
everyone cheers!
I sit down and sigh in relief.
My job is done.
I feel so lightheaded.
INSERT 121
It’s been 30 minutes since Nolwazi said
yes to Dean. Music is playing and people
are dancing
and having fun.
I’m exhausted. I’ve been sitting here,
drinking water, because I’m not allowed
to have alcohol.
I see Xolani standing a bit far from our
setup; he’s on the phone. I stand and
make my way to
him and find him yelling at whoever he’s
speaking to.
He ends the call when he sees me.
Me: Xolani.
He smiles lightly and opens up his arms.
We share a hug and he squeezes me.
Xolani: You seem to have forgotten about
me.
Me: Don’t say that!
He sighs.
Me: Are you okay?
Xolani: I’m going through a midlife crisis.
He chuckles.
Me: Want to talk about it?
Xolani: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: Okay.
He smiles.
Xolani: I’ve been told that you organised
this whole thing.
Me: I tried.
Xolani: Maybe you should start an events
business.
Me: Not now. I’d like to go sleep.
He chuckles.
Just then, I feel Derek’s arms around me.
Derek: I’ve been looking for you.
Xolani: I should get going now.
Derek: See you around.
Xolani nods and then looks at me.
Xolani: See you tomorrow.
Me: Yes.
Xolani: Stunning!
He walks off and I turn to look at Derek.
Derek: You look like you’re ready to pass
out.
Me: I am.
He chuckles.
Derek: Then let’s go home.
I nod and yawn. He then takes my hand
and we walk back to the table.
Nolwazi hugs me tightly as soon as I get
there.
Nolwazi: Thank you!
Me: You’re welcome.
She kisses my cheek and smiles.
Nolwazi: I guess I’m indebted to you?
Me: I’ll think about that.
She laughs.
She’s happy. She’s so happy, and I’m
happy for her!
Nolwazi: Thank you.
Me: It’s a pleasure.
Nolwazi: I love the ring!
Me: Right??
She sighs happily and I smile.
Dean: Can I have a word with Zi?
Nolwazi: Of course. Take your person.
Dean chuckles as he takes my hand and
we walk away from the scene.
Dean: Dlamz.
Me: Hlongz.
He sighs.
Dean: I guess your job is done.
Me: I guess so.
Dean: Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dean: Go and rest. You look like you’re
ready to drop dead.
Me: Argh, whatever!
He gives me a hug and we walk back to
where everyone is.
Derek: Ready to go?
I nod.
Ivy: The planner is leaving us?
I walk to Zimkitha and give her a hug. Ivy
is a non-mother-fucken-factor in my life.
I’ll continue to
ignore her till she gets the message. I
don’t need this negativity in my life.
Me: Goodbye everyone.
Thandeka: Bye, baby. Get some rest.
Liwa: So, how are we getting our cars?
Me: The Quantum that brought us here is
outside.
Liwa: Perfect. See you around, Ziyanda
Dlamini!
Me: Alright.
Derek and I finish saying our goodbyes
and make our way out. We get an Uber
that takes us
back to my parents’ house. When we get
there, Lwazi is excited to see me, as usual.
Lwazi: Mommy, I want to see where you
live!
We all look at each in shock. She’s so
random!
Derek: How about you sleepover
sometime during the week?
Lwazi: Perfect!
My mom laughs.
Mom: Uyaphapha kodwa Lwazi!
Lwazi giggles as she walks off to her
bedroom.
Mom: Are you heading home now?
Me: Yep.
My dad and I are fine now. I’m no longer
mad at him for being mad at me.
Mom: How was the proposal?
Derek: It was amazing. I’m very
impressed by Ziyanda’s planning.
Mom: My baby always shows up.
Dad: It must have been a great moment
for Dean.
Derek: He was very nervous.
Mom: How sweet.
Me: Alright then, I think we should get
going.
Mom: You look exhausted.
Me: Am I that bad na? Everyone keeps
saying this.
Mom: Hambani.
Me: Bye then.
I call Lwazi and we say goodbye to her.
Thereafter, we make our way to the car
and drive off.
***
When we get home, I throw myself on the
bed and doze off. I feel Derek taking off
my shoes.
Minutes later, he makes me reposition, so
I can sleep comfortably. He then begins
removing my
makeup and I chuckle sleepily. I’ve
trained him well.
I doze off immediately.
***
The following morning, I am awakened by
Derek’s body on me. I feel his face close to
mine and
I groan. He plants a kiss on my lips and I
feel him smile.
Me: Hmm.
He continues kissing me till I respond and
kiss him back. He begins trailing kisses
down my
neck to my breasts.
How am I naked? When did I take off my
clothes?
He kisses my nipples tenderly and I
wiggle. He nibbles on them and continues
making his way
down south. When he gets between my
thighs, I’m already ready.
Derek: Want to go back to sleep?
Me: Don’t come for me.
He laughs as he continues awakening my
body and senses...
***
When we finally finish that lovely
morning round, we make our way to the
lounge.
Derek: There was a delivery for you
earlier this morning.
Me: Really?
He nods and points to a box on the table. I
walk to it and open it.
Me: Who’s it from?
Derek: Dean.
Me: Hmm.
I squeal as soon as I see what’s inside.
Me: Did he get me this??
Derek: Well, I told him to get that, I guess
he went wild...
I exclaim as I take out all the bundles of
weaves in there! There are four bundles
of straight long
hair, four curly bundles and four wavy
bundles.
Me: Oh my goodness!
He chuckles.
Me: Stunning! Stunning! Stunning!
I take my phone and video-call Dean. He
answers begrudgingly. He’s still in bed.
Me: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Dean: Hmm.
Me: Thank youuuu!
Dean: Bye.
He ends the call and I sigh happily.
Me: Hmyghad!
Derek: I didn’t know this shit is so
expensive.
Me: Yaaas!
My mood went from 100 to 200!
Me: Thank you for suggesting these
heavenly bundles.
Derek shakes his head and laughs lightly.
Derek: Come help me make breakfast.
Me: Huh?
He chuckles.
Derek: Woza.
Me: Are you patronising me?
Derek: What? Silly old me?
I stand and follow him to the kitchen.
Derek: What do you feel like eating?
Me: I don’t know. I think I want
Cornflakes.
Derek: I’m in the mood to cook up a
storm.
Me: Uhm, okay then, Chef Ngidi.
He laughs as he takes out his ingredients.
Derek: Switch on the stove, baby.
Me: Okay.
I do as I am told.
He then continues throwing orders and I
oblige.
My phone rings, and I walk to the lounge
to answer it without checking the caller
id.
Me: Hello?
Niki: Babe!
Me: Hey!
Niki: What happened to us meeting?
Me: Yoh.
Niki: I’m coming over for lunch. Tell
Derek to cook.
Me: Bu-
She ends the call.
Just then, I remember that I’m supposed
to meet up with Xolani. I quickly dial his
number and
he answers.
Xolani: Zizi.
Me: Hey!
Xolani: No, you’re not cancelling on me.
Me: Uhm.
Xolani: Meet me at Mike’s Kitchen at 10.
I sigh.
He ends the call.
Yoh.
All I want is to chill with Derek. Why are
people doing this to me?
I go to the kitchen and groan.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: I’m supposed to meet Xolani in an
hour.
Derek: Don’t involve me, please. I’d like a
peaceful day.
Me: Well, too bad, because Niki says she’s
coming here for lunch.
He sighs and shakes his head.
Derek: You’re lucky I love you.
Me: Let me get ready for my date with
your brother.
Derek: So, you’re not having breakfast
with me?
Me: I obviously can’t, dummy.
I walk away and get ready for this brunch
session with Xolani.
***
When I get to Mike’s Kitchen, I find Xolani
there, looking like a snack!
Me: Hey!
He stands and we share a hug.
Xolani: Hey, baby.
We sit and he places an order for drinks.
Me: I’ll have water.
He looks at me weirdly.
Xolani: Uyabheda lo. Please get her a Long
Island cocktail.
Me: No!
Xolani: I’m not drinking by myself.
I look at the waiter and tell her to get me
water. She walks off and I stare at Xolani.
Me: I’m cleansing!
He laughs and shakes his head.
Xolani: Women are strange. You like
doing these weird things.
Me: Whatever!
Xolani: Anyway, how are you?
Me: I’m good. Just focusing on work, you
know?
He nods.
Me: As I told you yesterday, I moved in
with your brother...
Xolani: You two are perfect.
Me: Hmm, not quite.
Xolani: Really?
Me: We’re still getting to know each
other... We have our moments.
He nods.
Me: How are you? I know you’re not fine.
He chuckles.
Xolani: I’m going through relationship
drama.
Me: Really??
Xolani: Let me build context for you...
I nod.
Xolani: I’m basically in love with a soon-
to-be married man.
Me: Xolani!
He sighs.
Xolani: And he’s marrying a woman.
Me: What?!
He rubs his chin thoughtfully.
Xolani: He’s gay, unquestionably gay.
Me: But about to get married!
He shrugs.
Me: Xolani, no!
Xolani: Is it wrong that I don’t feel bad?
Me: Yes!
He sighs and finishes his drink.
Xolani: He told me about his proposal
plan... He’s proposing soon.
Me: How did you meet? Were you with
him before he was with the girl?
He nods.
Xolani: We dated for a year and then he
ended it.
I nod.
Xolani: And then, when we were broken
up, he dated this random girl for about 6
months. Now
he’s planning on proposing.
I look at him in shock.
Me: Manje when did you and him start
dating again?
Xolani: Two months ago.
Me: Yoh.
Xolani: I’m going to stop that wedding.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d
be involved in this type of drama.
Me: So, what’s the problem? Do the
parents hate the fact that he’s gay?
He chuckles.
Xolani: He’s white.
Me: Ye??
Xolani: They don’t want him to be with
me, because I’m black. His undercover
sexual
preferences aren’t even the issue. Race is
the issue here.
Me: Wowzer!
Xolani: So, yes. I’m in love with a white
man, who’s getting married to a white
girl, and whose
parents are racist pricks.
I drink my water and sigh heavily.
Xolani: Kunzima.
Me: Damn...
Xolani: Yep...
Our food comes and we begin eating.
Just then, Xolani looks up and smiles.
I turn my head to see what got him
grinning. I see a white guy walking
towards our table.
Me: Xolani, really??
Xolani smiles innocently.
Xolani: What? I’d like you to meet him.
For fuck’s sake. When the Universe shows
up, it shows off, huh?
INSERT 122
This white man gets to our table.
Xolani: Hi, baby.
The guy greets back and they share a hug.
Xolani: Zi, this is Leon... Leon, this is Zi, my
brother’s future wife.
Leon, who looks 30 something, smiles at
me and opens up his arms.
Am I supposed to hug him?
I stand and we share a hug.
Leon: Hi, Zi.
Me: Hello.
We sit and I drink my water.
Xolani: Zi, isn’t he cute?
Uhm, no. He looks like some racist office
administrator.
I chuckle awkwardly.
Xolani: So, I wanted you t-
Just then, my phone rings, and boy am I
relieved when I see Derek’s name.
Me: Sorry, I have to answer this.
I stand and walk away.
Me: Derek!
Derek: I’m meeting up with the guys.
Me: No!
I know he’s frowning wherever he is.
Derek: And then?
Me: Derek, I need to leave this place! I
want to come back home!
He chuckles.
Derek: What happened?
Me: Dude, Xolani invited his boyfriend
here-
Derek: Boyfriend?
Me: Yes!
Derek: I didn’t know he had one.
Me: The white guy!
Derek: Excuse me?
Me: The white guy!
Derek: Leon?
Me: Yes!
There’s silence for a few seconds.
Derek: What the fuck?
Me: What’s wr-
Derek: Xolani is back with Leon? He’s
with him as we speak?
Me: Uhm... It seems like it... What’s
happening? I feel like you know
something.
Derek: Where are you?
I tell him nervously.
Derek: I’m coming.
Me: Wha-
He ends the call and I’m left standing
there, confused as hell.
What the hell is going on?
I eventually walk back to the table and
find them chatting. There’s something
unusual about
them. I’ve never seen Xolani like this. He
looks at Leon like he’s his everything, like
he’s
obsessed with him. It’s strange.
I sit and Leon looks at me intently.
Leon: You don’t drink?
I shake my head.
Me: I’m cleansing.
He chuckles.
Xolani: Boring, right?
Leon smiles.
Leon: Cleansing is good for one’s system...
Xolani would know.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Gosh, they are so awkward, and now I
can’t leave, because Derek told me to stay.
Leon: Where are you from, Zi?
Me: Soweto.
Leon: Nice...
He goes on to interrogate me and I give
him one-word answers. Clearly there’s
something
wrong with this guy, for Derek to have
such a reaction after I tell him he’s here.
I’m still trying to figure out why I am here.
Why is Xolani trying to involve me in his
mess? I’m
confused.
After a while, I see Derek’s car. He gets
out and walks towards the entrance, but I
stand and
walk to him, because we’re sitting
outside.
Me: Ngidi.
He sees me and walks to me.
Me: What the hell is going on?
He has his usual “Don’t fuck with me”
look. In this moment, he looks exactly like
Dean. It’s odd
and scary at the same time. Now, I’m not
sure if the coldness is directed at me or
the situation
at hand.
Anyway, he-yes-he, leads me to the table
where Leon and Xolani are sitting, they
are looking all
lovey dovey. Leon’s cool face changes as
soon as Derek towers over him.
Derek: Really, Xolani?
Xolani looks at Derek.
I’m struggling to read Xolani expression.
Is he scared?
Why is Derek like this? Is it because he
knows that Leon has a wife-to-be
elsewhere? Maybe he
doesn’t want Xolani to get hurt.
Derek: Xolani.
Xolani keeps quiet.
I’m now staring at Derek. Yes, I’ve seen
him pissed here and there, but this is
different. I’ve
never seen him like this. If it were
possible, he’d be exhaling fire.
There’s a moment of silence.
Leon then smiles.
Leon: Derek-
Before I know it, before everyone knows
it, Derek throws a quick and intense
punch at Leon.
I think I’m dreaming. I’m frozen.
He doesn’t stop.
Leon falls off his chair and Derek
continues pounding him.
When I see all the blood, that’s when it all
sinks in.
There’s commotion. These tiny waiters
are trying to hold Derek back, but he’s too
strong. Xolani
is also trying to fight him, but he’s
unsuccessful.
Me: Derek!
I’ve lost him. This man is in another zone
and I’m sure all he sees is red. It’s difficult
for one to
come back when they’re in such a zone.
Other customers get involved and some
big random guy manages to stop Derek.
He holds
Derek from behind, and removes him
from the chaos.
Leon’s blood is everywhere.
Now, the manager is there, and he is on
the phone.
That’s when I start to panic. Is he calling
the police?
I quickly snap out of it and rush to the
manager.
Me: Sir, please don’t call the cops!
He looks at me coldly.
Me: Please! This whole thing was a
misunderstanding!
I’m panicking now, because I’m worried
that these cops will get here, and
something bad will
happen. We all know how serious they
take such incidents (especially if they
affect the
privileged minority).
I want to go check on Derek, but I need to
make sure that this manager doesn’t do
anything
extreme.
I go on to makeup a lie that makes it seem
like Derek is the innocent one, and that
this whole
thing was simply a misunderstanding.
He’s aggressive at first, but he eventually
gives in and says he won’t call the police.
All I need to
do right now is remove all of these people
from the property.
I talk to Xolani first, who’s catering to
Leon.
Me: Xolani, please take him to a pharmacy
or someplace where they can do
something about
all this blood.
Xolani: Where the fuck is Derek?! Fuck h-
Me: Don’t you dare cause another scene!
Take your things and leave, now!
Xolani: Fu-
Me: Xolani!
He keeps quiet.
Me: This manager has threatened to call
the police. Go, now!
He tries to speak, but I give him a deadly
look.
Me: Take Leon, and leave!
I watch as he does as he is told and they
stagger away.
Derek.
Now, I have to find him.
I walk inside the restaurant and make my
way to the bathrooms. I find him there,
washing his
hands. The big guy, who removed him
from the scene, is standing there,
watching him.
The guy looks at me from head to toe.
Guy: You with him?
I nod.
He also nods and then walks out. Derek
finishes washing his hands and then
pushes past me
and walks out.
The fuck?
I sigh heavily and follow him out. We walk
to his car and get in. He drives out and
focuses on
the road.
I feel like I’m going to die from speed. He’s
driving too fast for my liking.
Me: Please be mindful of your speed.
He ignores me and continues speeding.
I say silent prayer and accept that I’m
dying soon.
I soon realise that he’s driving to
Nomvuyo and Liwa’s house.
He parks outside.
Derek: Go in.
Me: Excuse me?
He glances at me, as if I’m annoying him,
I’m some nuisance.
Haibo, what did I do? All I want to know is
why I’m being told to go in this house.
Why am I not
taken home, and people can go wherever
they want to if they need space?
Derek: Ziyanda, I said get the fuck-
Me: Ungalinge wena. Don’t even think for
a second that you can address to me like
that.
He keeps quiet.
Rha!
Me: Nxa.
I take my bag and get out.
I shut that door like there’s no tomorrow.
This idiot. Instead of getting out of the car
and try to explain himself, he drives off
within
seconds. Now I am pissed! Why is he
taking out his frustrations on me? I
literally had to save
his ass from going to jail! I should have let
that manager call the police, so his
ungrateful ass
can go be someone wife there in Block E.
I dial Nomvuyo’s number and tell her I’m
outside. Within seconds, the gate is open
and I make
my way in. As I’m walking, I type a very
heated message to Derek. Ungijwayela
kabi lo!
I get to the door and find it open. I walk in
and go to the kitchen, Nomvuyo’s
favourite place.
As soon as she sees me, she squeals.
Unfortunately, I’m not as excited to see
her.
Nomvuyo: And then?
Me: I’m so angry!
Nomvuyo: Yini?
Me: I’d like a glass of wine.
Nomvuyo: Hawu, what happened to
cleansing?
Me: I’m done.
Nomvuyo: Yoh, okay.
We walk to the cellar and she takes out a
random bottle and pours me some red
wine.
We walk to the lounge and sit.
Nomvuyo: And then?
As soon as I take a sip of that wine, my
whole body switches up on. I vomit right
then and there,
instantly.
Nomvuyo looks at me in shock.
Nomvuyo: What the fuck is wrong with
you?!
I start getting emotional.
Nomvuyo: What’s going on?
Me: Derek is busy punching white men
and now he’s taking out his frustrations
on me! My
emotions are all over the place, I’m
vomiting like crazy. Now, I can’t drink my
wine in peace,
because of this fucken pregnancy!
Her jaw drops.
I stand and leave her there to go find stuff
to clean this vomit with.
When I walk back to the lounge, she’s still
sitting there with her open mouth.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda!
I proceed to clean up my mess. Once I’m
done, I go wash my hands and come back
with a glass
of water. I sit down and sigh heavily.
Nomvuyo: You’re pregnant?!
I roll my eyes and grunt.
Nomvuyo: Oh my goodness!
She smiles and hugs me.
Nomvuyo: Cong-
Me: No, stop.
She stops.
Me: I want you to tell me everything you
know about Derek and Xolani.
She looks at me weirdly.
I begin telling her about the situation.
Once I’m done, she sighs.
Nomvuyo: All I know is that Xolani
became a drug addict because of Leon...
Me: Huh??
She shrugs.
Nomvuyo: The guy introduced Xolani to
cocaine.
Me: What?? How??
She shrugs again.
Nomvuyo: I thought he stopped
communicating with Leon after he came
back from rehab...
Clearly not...
I’m speechless!
Nomvuyo: So, I’m sure that’s why Derek is
pissed.
I finish my water and sink on the couch.
I can’t right now.
INSERT 123 (Short Insert)
I don’t know when I fell asleep, but I
found myself waking up and feeling like I
was out of touch
with reality.
I stretch and sit up.
Derek is sitting on the opposite couch,
staring at me. All the anger I had towards
him seems to
have evaporated via the nap I took.
Instead, I just want to hold him and sleep
some more.
Also, I can tell that he’s a bit nervous. He’s
waiting for me to explode on his ass.
I take a deep breath.
Me: You’re too far.
He raises his eyebrow. I stare at him, and
he eventually stands and sits next to him.
Me: Do you mind telling me what
happened?
He scratches his chin thoughtfully and
then sighs.
Derek: Nomvuyo says she told you.
Me: I want to hear it from you.
He is quiet for a while.
Derek: Leon introduced Xolani to cocaine.
Me: When was this?
Derek: About two years ago.
Me: Did he go to rehab?
He nods.
Derek: Leon is a bad influence, Ziyanda.
He introduced my brother to a very toxic
world.
Me: How did you get involved?
He shrugs.
Derek: I knew I had to save him. He was
close to losing it.
Me: And where was Leon?
Derek: Leon is a piece of shit. He’s been
trying to tempt him back.
Me: They haven’t been in each other’s
others lives since?
Derek: Clearly not. I knew that something
was up with him... I just knew it...
He rubs his eyes and I keep quiet. For
once, I don’t know what to say.
We sit in silence for a long time.
I eventually get closer to him till I’m in his
arms.
Me: I don’t know what to say.
He chuckles quietly.
He’s not here. He’s here physically, but
he’s not here emotionally or mentally.
Me: I’m sorry.
He keeps quiet.
Me: How can we help him?
His body tenses up and I can tell that he’s
angry.
Me: Derek, there’s no use responding to
this situation with anger. You need to be
more
composed, otherwise you’ll push Xolani
away.
He looks at me intently.
Me: Are you listening to me?
He nods.
I decide to keep quiet before I ramble and
give unsolicited advice.
Me: I’ll give you space.
I try to move, but he tightens his hold on
me.
Derek: I’m listening.
Me: I’m hungry.
I push and he eventually lets go of me. I
don’t know why I’m suddenly annoyed at
him. I stand
and go to the kitchen. Surely Nomvuyo
prepared something here... I dish up for
myself and
make my way to the backyard. I sit in the
gazebo and have my food.
After a few minutes, my phone beeps.
It’s a text message.
Derek: I apologise for snapping at you. It
was an impulsive reaction.
I read it again and sigh.
At this point, I don’t know why I’m
pissed... Actually, I do know.
I’m pissed at the universe. Every time
things go well in my life, something
emerges and messes
the whole thing up. When will I get a
break?
I type a message and send it. I’ve asked
him to come join me outside.
Within minutes, he is sitting next to me,
watching me eat.
Me: I don’t like how you took out your
frustration on me. You made me feel like I
was part of the
problem.
He nods.
Me: That’s why I’m angry. You dismissed
me and I took it very personally.
He nods and continues to watch me eat.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: The rational side of me understands
why you’re angry and acknowledges that
your actions
were justified. However, the other side is
very hurt. I don’t like being dismissed by
you,
especially in that manner.
Derek: Baby, I hear you. I’m sorry.
Me: I forgive you.
Derek: You don’t mean that.
Me: I’m serious.
Derek: I don’t believe you.
I laugh and look at him.
Me: I’m serious.
Derek: Hmm.
Me: Ohho.
He smiles.
Derek: I’ll never do that again. I just hate
that you saw me in that zone.
Me: I was and still am very shocked.
He chuckles.
Me: I didn’t think your anger reached
such heights.
He shakes his head and sighs.
Derek: If he falls, then I have failed him as
a brother. Xolani is my everything... I am
all he has...
Me: And what about you?
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: What do you have?
He sighs.
Derek: I may not have biological parents,
but I’m surrounded by unquestionable
love.
I nod.
Me: As long as you know you’re loved...
He chuckles.
Derek: I don’t doubt your love, baby.
Me: Hmkay.
I finish eating and stand.
Me: I’m ready to go home and catch up on
my work.
He groans as he stands as well.
Derek: It’s been a stressful weekend.
I nod.
Me: I’ll help you with Xolani... Just don’t
push me away.
Derek: Thank you.
He pulls me in for a hug and kisses my
cheek.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Derek: Ready to go?
I nod.
We then walk back inside the house and
find Nomvuyo making herself a cup of tea.
Nomvuyo: You two have been doing as
you please in my house.
Me: We’re leaving now.
Nomvuyo: Stay for dinner.
Me: Nope. I already cancelled on my best
friend... I need to do some work.
Nomvuyo: Boring!
We say goodbye to her and make our way
out.
***
It’s now Wednesday, and I have been in
my class the whole day...
I get a call from Derek, asking me to come
to his office. When my kids go to lunch, I
make my
way to the office.
Me: Look what the wind blew in!
Dean rolls his eyes.
I go to him and hug him while he’s sitting.
Me: How’s your new life?
Dean: Nothing much has changed.
Me: Hmm.
Dean: Nolwazi and I are having date night
tonight, and her parents are in Dubran...
You’re
babysitting.
Me: Excuse me??
He stands.
Dean: You two must be at the house at
exactly 17:00.
Derek shakes his head in disbelief.
Dean: See you there... This will prepare
you for your new upcoming roles.
With that said, he walks out and closes
the door.
Me: What the hell??
Derek: Uyahlanya lo.
Me: Nxa.
I’ve been avoiding the megabytes at all
costs. They’re very triggering.
I sit and watch as Derek goes through his
emails, something we’ve identified as one
of our
“bonding” moments.
Derek: What the fuck?
Me: Yini?
He stares at his laptop. I can’t read his
expression. Is he angry?
Me: Derek?
I can sense that this is serious. However,
I’m trying to figure out if it’s work, or
personal.
I stand and walk to his side of the desk. I
bend and look at his screen.
It’s an email...
____________
Dear Nkanyezi,
I hope this email finds you well.
Please note that you do not know who I
am, however, I know you. In fact, I happen
to have
valuable information regarding your real
parents. I am currently married to your
real father, and
he would like to meet you.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards,
Vicky Mbhele
___________
I stare at the email.
I’m too shocked to even say anything...
INSERT 124 (Unedited)
I look at Derek in shock.
Me: What the hell is this??
He sighs and closes his laptop.
Derek: I don’t know...
Me: Are you going to contact this woman?
He keeps quiet.
Me: This is crazy!
I go back to my seat and sit. I look at him
as he shakes his head lightly and groans.
Derek: Anyway, how is your day, baby?
I look at him weirdly. Is he really going to
pretend like he didn’t just get this email?
Me: Uhm, my day is okay. How’s yours?
Derek: Busy.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door and
he tells the person to come in.
Lebo, the receptionist, walks in, looking
bitchy as usual.
Lebo: Mr. N, your 1pm appointment is
here.
Derek nods tightly and Lebo walks out.
Derek: Come give me a kiss.
I stand and walk to him.
Me: See you later.
I plant a kiss on his lips and walk out...
I don’t know how I feel about this email,
but knowing Derek, I think he’s going to
avoid it and go
on with life.
***
It’s now 16:30 and Derek and I are
making our way to Dean and Nolwazi’s
place- Nolwazi’s
parents’ house...
Derek: I don’t know why we’re even going
there.
Me: We weren’t given much of a choice.
He chuckles.
Derek: Dean really thinks he’s the shit.
Me: Definitely.
We continue chatting till we get to the
house. We make our way in and find Dean
coddling his
baby girl, Simo.
Me: Hello, Daddy Dean.
Dean: You’re on time, for once.
Me: Don’t come for me.
Derek: Where’s megabyte 2?
We decided that Simosihle, the ultimate
diva, will be megabyte 1, and the humble
Khulekani will
be megabyte 2.
Dean: He’s sleeping upstairs.
Derek is beyond excited, he’s just hiding
it. Mina I’m not looking forward to this at
all. I’m an
only child. I’ve never taken care of kids, so
this is a new experience that I’m not
excited about.
Derek will have to do all the work.
Dean: Sit down.
Me: I’m getting very tired of you throwing
comman-
Dean: Shut up and sit.
I roll me eyes and sit next to Derek, who is
chuckling.
Dean: My babies are still very young, so I
don’t want you playing around with them.
Derek: Mxm.
Just then, we hear Nolwazi coming down
the stairs and we all stare at her. She is
gorgeous!
Nolwazi: I thought I heard voices!
She smiles warmly as she walks to us.
Nolwazi: Are you ready to babysit?
Me: No.
She laughs and looks at Derek amusingly.
Derek: You look ravishing.
Nolwazi: Date Night is taken very
seriously in this household.
Dean: Too seriously, if you ask me.
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Anyway, I just want to give you a
brief heads up on what to expect...
I sigh heavily as I listen to her tell us the
dos and don’ts. I zone out 80% of the
time.
Derek: We’ll cope, stop stressing.
Nolwazi: I’m still not comfortable with
leaving them like this...
Dean: For all we know, you two could be
some sick kidnappers.
Me: Dean!
He chuckles and looks at Derek.
Dean: Take care of my kids, idiot.
Derek: Just leave already. You’re getting
on my nerves.
Dean stands and I’m shocked when he
tries to give me Simo.
I freeze and look at him in confusion.
Dean: Yini wena? Take my baby.
Me: UhmDean:
Ziyanda.
I look at Derek nervously and he gives me
an assuring smile.
Nolwazi: Sit comfortably Zi.
I do as I’m told and Dean bends and hands
over megabyte 1. As soon as Simo senses
the
change of arms, she smiles and giggles.
She then stares at me and tries to figure
out who I am.
Me: Is she still blind?
Dean: For a smart nerd, you can be quite
dumb at times.
Me: Go away, evil man!
Dean then looks at Nolwazi and smiles.
Dean: Umuhle.
Nolwazi: You clean up nicely yourself.
They smile at each other and get lost in
each other’s eyes, all lovey dovey. I roll
my eyes.
What am I supposed to do with this baby?
Do I shush her? She’s busy giggling and
angazi why.
I think Derek sees my uncomfortability,
because he stands and offers to take Simo.
I quickly
give her to him and sink on the couch.
I need wine. I need vodka. I need sumfin!
It’s Wednesday night, I could be at home,
watching some ratchet TV, not this
nonsense.
Dean and Nolwazi go upstairs and I sit
and watch Derek as he kisses Simo.
I don’t why he seems sexy right now, but
I’m choosing to ignore that. He seems
comfortable
and relaxed. Does he have some veza
ndlebe that I don’t know about? Has he
done this shit
before?
I stand and make my way to the kitchen
to get myself something to drink. I get
some
non-alcoholic bubbly and drink lots of it.
My alcohol craving subsides and I walk
back to the
lounge to find the second megabyte there.
He’s sleeping peacefully on the couch.
Dean: We’ll be back at around 22:00.
Me: Why so late??
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: We’ll be reachable.
Derek: Bye.
Nolwazi plants a kiss on Simo’s forehead
and then Derek and I watch as they walk
out of the
house. You know when Beyonce says,
“Come back... Come back...” at the end of
“Sorry”? That’s
exactly how I felt... I just wanted to hold
on to Nolwazi and cry, “Come back... Come
back...
Come back!”
***
It’s been 2 hours and I am gatvol!
Simosihle has been crying her lungs out
for the past 30 minutes.
She doesn’t even take breaks. She cries
consistently! I don’t think I’ve ever
disliked someone
like I do that little diva! Sies man!
I take megabyte 2 and walk upstairs.
Derek must stay with his favourite
megabyte. Angithi he
loves dramatic women? He must deal!
I get to the nursery and sit. Khulekani
yawns and smiles.
I don’t know why I’m so drawn to him. I
think he’s calmness is beyond adorable.
Unlike his crazy
sister, he just smiles and sleeps.
I sit there for about 30 minutes, till he
falls asleep. I place him in his cot and
watch him sleep
ever so peacefully. Just then, Derek walks
in, carrying a very quiet Simo. I watch as
he puts her
in her cot and smiles down at her.
Me: You’ll find me downstairs.
I walk out and make my way to the
kitchen. I begin googling if it’s okay to
have at least one
glass of wine during pregnancy.
I hear Derek’s footsteps and I put my
phone down and open the fridge.
Derek: I feel like I’ve just finished a
marathon.
Me: Tell me about it!
I take a bottle of water and drink.
Derek: That little girl is a problem.
Me: I don’t want to see her again.
He laughs and begins looking around.
Me: Yini?
Derek: I can’t find my phone.
He I’ll call it.
He unlocks it and frowns.
He then stares at me in shock.
Me: What?
Derek: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: What?
Derek: You’re searching whether it’s okay
to drink alcohol during pregnancy?
I try to say something but stop. I think I’m
in trouble.
I stare at him.
Derek: Don’t fuck with me, Ziyanda.
Me: Listen, I’m stressed as fuck right now.
He groans.
Me: I’m not irresponsibleDerek:
Then what the hell am I reading right
now?
I sigh.
Me: I won’t drink!
Derek: You better not!
I drink my water dramatically and walk
away.
Me: If I’m not drinking, then your ass is
not as well!
***
When Dean and Nolwazi arrive, I’m
sleeping very deeply. Ngiyab’ dontsa.
I genuinely don’t want to wake up. I don’t
know if it’s because these babies took all
of my
energy, or Dean and Nolwazi’s bed is just
extra comfy.
I feel Nolwazi next to me. She’s mumbling
and giggling.
Dean: She drank too much champagne.
Derek: And Ziyanda is exhausted. She
seems to be deep within her sleep.
Dean: She can sleepover.
Derek: Alright then, I’ll bring her cl-
Just then, loud cries fill the room through
the baby monitor.
It’s that piece of work, Simo!
I instantly wake up and get out of bed.
Dean: And then?
Me: Derek, let’s go.
Derek laughs.
Dean: Was it that bad?
They both laugh.
Derek: See you later, buddy.
I walk out and Derek eventually follows
me.
There’s no way I’m sleeping over here... I
love myself too damn much.
INSERT 125 (Unedited)
It’s been one very quick month...
I’ve been drowning myself in my work
that I’ve managed to avoid any stress
related to the other
aspects of my life.
I’m in bed sleeping, when I’m awakened
by Derek kissing me.
I push him away and groan. I don’t want
to have sex; it’s the middle of the night for
crying out
loud!
He continues planting kisses on my face
till I open my eyes and look at him
angrily. Why is his
lamp even on at this time? Argh.
He smiles warmly.
Derek: Someone’s getting old.
Me: Huh?
He chuckles.
I’m sleepy and confused. He stops
bothering me and I go back to sleep
instantly...
***
When I wake up that morning, he’s not in
bed with me. I go to the bathroom and get
ready for
work. It’s a Friday, thank goodness. I’d
like to spend this weekend in bed, doing
absolutely
nothing.
Once I’m done showering and lotioning, I
go back to the bedroom to get dressed. I
walk to the
lounge and my eyes pop when I see lots of
black and white balloons on the ceiling.
Just as I’m about to say something, Derek
approaches the lounge area.
Derek: Happy birthday!
I groan.
It’s the 20th of March...
Did I really forget about my birthday? I
know I’m not a “birthday person” but
have I been that
preoccupied?
I sigh loudly as he walks to me and kisses
my cheek.
Derek: Happy 26th Birthday, my love.
Me: I forgot.
He smiles.
Derek: I realised yesterday.
I look at the balloons.
Me: 26 balloons?
He nods, with the biggest smile.
Me: Corny man.
Derek: Brighten up!
He wraps his arms around me and pulls
me till our bodies touch.
Derek: The gift of life is not afforded to
everyone... I don’t tolerate sadness on
birthdays.
Me: I’m not sad.
Derek: Ya, but you’re not excited either.
Me: It’s 6am! Why the hell would I be
excited?
He chuckles and kisses me.
Derek: Sit down; I prepared a lovely
bacon-filled breakfast.
He makes me sit on the couch and walks
off.
I obviously need to re-evaluate my
mood...
***
We’re now driving to work.
Me: Ngidi, whatever happens, do not
surprise me!
He laughs.
Derek: I’d never!
Me: What are the plans?
Derek: Dinner.
I groan.
I love his people and I love my people, but
I really just want to be with him only, hey.
I haven’t
seen his crew that much... I’ve been
focusing on my work, naye he’s been
focusing on his plans
for the new school, seeing as he’s last day
at our school is fast approaching. I don’t
know how
things will be without him. I already miss
our office shenanigans.
Derek: Relax, baby. I’m not throwing you
a Great Gatsby event.
I grunt.
We eventually get to school and as
expected, my kids go all out!
Lwazi made it a point to outshine
everyone. She held on to me till we got to
assembly!
My mood is now at 40%. At this point, the
baby growing in me is in total control of
how I
behave. I try to take charge, but in the
end, he/she is running things.
***
It’s now around 10am and I’m busy
teaching my kids.
Lebo walks in and tells me there’s a
delivery for me. I walk with her to the
reception area and
I’m given a huge basket. I sign and make
my way to class. I’ve always emphasised
that I don’t
like doing crazy things on my birthday
and I don’t want people to do crazy things
as well. Derek
is generally a very romantic guy, so I
think he’s going to hide behind this fact as
he spoils me
today.
I walk back to my class and my kids get
ready to transition to their next class. As
they leave, I
open the huge basket and find all of my
favourite snacks. I take this opportunity
to open the
biltong and indulge. My appetite has been
doing the most, but the doctor keeps
emphasising
that I need to watch what I eat, so I’ve
been eating in moderation.
As I’m stuffing my face, I hear a knock on
my door and Derek walks in. He smiles.
Derek: I see you got your gift basket.
Me: Hmm...
He chuckles.
Derek: I was planning on sending this
vele... It’s a coincidence...
Me: You don’t say...
He sits on my desk and watches me eat.
Derek: How’s your day so far?
Me: It’s good.
He chuckles.
Derek: You are such a Debbie Downer.
Me: Whatevs. Go away!
He does as he is told and I focus on my
biltong...
***
It’s now lunchtime and my mood is at a
solid 60%.
My phone rings and it’s Derek. I answer.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: I think we should have lunch
somewhere...
Me: Hmm wena na.
He laughs lightly.
Me: Okay.
Derek: Woza ke. I want to give you a kiss.
Me: Gross. You’re my boss!
He laughs.
Derek: In ten days you won’t be able to
say that shit again!
Me: Whatevs!
I end the call and get my phone, and then I
walk out...
***
Derek: I have something for you.
I look at him suspiciously.
Derek: Relax.
He digs through his bag and takes out an
envelope.
Derek: This is for you.
I take it and open it.
I chuckle as I read.
Me: To the love of my life,
Birthdays are very special, and it is
strange how you don’t celebrate yours as
much as you
celebrate others’... I guess this shows your
selflessness: always willing to go the extra
mile for
others.
Anyway, before I ramble, I’d like to give
you this set of coupons. Because you’re
such a
simpleton, this is the perfect gift for you...
These coupons can be redeemed
anywhere, anytime...
Happy Birthday, my love.
Regards,
Your Star
I look at him and laugh.
Me: Coupons?
He nods excitedly.
Me: Funny man!
I look through the coupons...
Me: Full-body massage; date of your
choice; private dinner date; recital of a
poem written for
you; printing (in colour) and preparation
of classroom resources; mysterious gift;
Dischem/Clicks date; shopping voucher;
new sex position; mini-vacation; lap
dance.
I am laughing as I read all of these
options.
Me: What are the terms and conditions?
Derek: All of your coupons need to be
used at some point.
Me: So, I can just pull them out anytime?
He nods.
Me: Hmm... Anywhere, anytime?
Derek: Yep.
Me: A lap dan-
Derek: Ziyanda!
We both laugh.
Me: You said anywhere, anytime!
Derek: Not in front of people!
I giggle and read the coupons again.
Me: This is amazing!
Derek: I’m glad you like it.
I giggle.
Me: I already know what I want for
tonight.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Me: Full-body massage.
He smiles mischievously and I grin.
Me: Maybe it can lead to the new sex
position?
He laughs and nods excitedly.
Derek: Shit will be ready by then, ma’am!
Me: By fire, by force!
My mood has gone up. It’s on a solid 80%
now, all because of this person of mine.
As we’re eating, the waiter brings a slice
of caramel cake.
Waiter: Happy birthday, ma’am.
Me: Thank you!
The waiter walks off and I sigh.
Me: You’re sneaky.
Derek: I’ll take that as a compliment...
We continue chatting...
INSERT 126
Niki sits next to Dean and looks at him in
confusion.
Lol, they’ve never met konje.
Niki: Who are you?
Me: This is Dean.
Niki: Oh... I see...
She looks at Dean, unfazed.
Niki: You dating my man’s ex?
Dean: You dating my woman’s ex?
Niki chuckles and Dean joins her.
Thank God they get along! Phela I always
tell Dean about Niki, and whenever he
tries being
shady, I stop him. I always tell him to be
nice whenever he meets her. I’m glad he is
following
my rules otherwise I was going to kill
him! No one comes for Niki as long as I’m
still breathing.
Kea: Your name is Dean?
Dean looks at Kea blankly and nods. I’m
hoping that he doesn’t unleash his cold
side, because
that would just make things a bit too
tense. Derek, on the other hand, is
absolutely quiettypical.
He’s just being observant...
Ash: How’s the new school, Zi? I’m
obsessed with your Instagram posts
about your kids.
Me: I’m lovin’ it!
She laughs.
Thato: Is it public knowledge that you’re
dating your boss?
Niki: Is it the public’s business?
Yhu!
Can Niki try to cool it down? We haven’t
even started eating!
Niki: That’s the problem with people
thinking they are entitled to other
people’s business...
Kea laughs sarcastically.
Me: Thato, how’s your man?
Thato: We broke up about a month ago.
Me: Oh...
She sips her wine and smiles.
Thato: You’ve been unreachable...
Me: I’m still using the same number mos.
Thato: Well, it’s unreachable.
I focus on my water.
Mandi then starts asking Dean about his
PhD and that conversation eases the
tension. I look at
Derek and he says, “I’m sorry, baby,” with
his eyes, and I say, “Fuck you,” with my
eyes. We have
a back on forth with our eyes, till I look
away.
Ash: Nik Nak, who are you dating?
Niki blushes dramatically.
Niki: Some tall, handsome black man.
Ash giggles.
Ash: I sure love them like that too!
Niki: You sure do!
They laugh.
I look over at Thato and Kea, and they’re
just over everything. They’re busy sipping
on their wine.
Me: Any update on your love life?
Ash: Well, you know I’m not much of a
relationship girl.
Niki: So, you’re just dick hopping?
Me: Niki!
Dean: You’re into black dick, Ash?
Ash: Yep!
Dean chuckles.
Ash: Mind hooking me up?
Dean: All my people are married.
Kea: So?
Gosh, Kea. The conversation was flowing
so nicely. She just had to come in with her
shady
ways?
Ash: So all your people are married?
Dean nods.
Mandi: Well, that’s unfortunate. We’re out
here scouting!
Dean chuckles.
Thato: Derek, why are you so quiet?
Derek: I only speak when spoken to.
Kea: You people are too tense for my
liking, damn!
Dean: Then leave.
Kea grunts as she finishes her wine and
storms off.
Thato looks at Dean sharply.
Thato: Really??
Niki: How about you leave as well?
I try to say something, but stop myself.
I’m speechless and confused. Everything
is transpiring
so quickly.
Before I know it, Thato is storming off as
well.
I need wine! I need vodka! I need
something, now!
Niki: Good riddance!
Mandi sighs.
Mandi: When will you guys get over the
past?
Niki: Mxm.
Dean: Those two are bad news. I don’t
have to know them extensively to infer
that they’re
fucked up.
Ash: A lot has happened...
Mandi sighs again.
I know she wants to go check up on them.
She’s always been the mediator here.
Me: How about we schedule a lunch date
this weekend?
Ash: That sounds perfect.
Mandi: I’m sorry your birthday night is
ruined.
Me: It’s okay. I’m very happy to see you
guys!
I stand and share hugs with them.
Me: I’ll call you.
Mandi: Shap.
They say goodbye and we watch as they
walk away.
Dean: Ziyanda, I don’t want you hanging
out with those people.
Me: My father is in Soweto.
Niki: Tell her, Dean.
Dean: They’re negative and insincere.
Me: Can we leave this place? Is that too
much to ask?
I get my bag.
Me: This is exactly why I don’t celebrate
birthdays. People do the most and end up
fucking
everything up!
They all keep quiet and stare at me.
Me: I just want to go home and sleep.
Please take me home.
Derek tries to say something, but stops.
He nods lightly and they all stand. Niki is
also quiet,
thank God.
At this point, I’m drained as hell.
We walk out.
Niki: So, like, I need a lift...
Dean: Get an Uber.
Niki: Excuse me? Do you know how
expensive it is to come to Sandton?
Dean: Then call your tall and handsome
boyfriend.
Niki: Yazini neh? Don’t let me punch you
in front of all these white people!
Dean laughs.
I leave them there and get in the car. I’m
over all of them. I actually just want to go
to my
parents’ house and sleep in my bed.
5 minutes later, Dean and Derek get in.
Niki: Babe, I’m going to Soweto... Your
man got me an Uber.
Me: Okay. Bye.
Niki: Love you.
Me: Hmm.
She closes the door and Derek starts the
car.
***
My mood is somewhere in the negatives.
I think this was the worst birthday of my
life.
All this unnecessary drama has ruined my
day.
We’re now driving to Derek’s place. It’s
around 6pm.
Me: I’d like some McDonalds. Please go
via the drive through.
Derek: Okay, baby.
Mxm baby wok’nuka.
Dean asks for ice-cream and Derek gets
ice tea, while I get a Big Mac.
Once we get our order, we drive to
Derek’s place.
Derek tries holding my hand and I refuse.
Me: I told you not to plan any surprises.
He sighs in defeat. Dean is also annoying
me, because he’s busy sucking that ice-
cream like
nobody’s business. Also, why the hell is he
still here? He must go home now.
As soon as I open the door, I’m shocked to
find Derek’s crew there.
“Surprise!”
For fuck’s sake!
I stand there, frozen. I have nothing left in
me. I just want to sleep nkos’ yami!
Want to know what happened as soon as
Nomvuyo wraps her arms around me and
I smell her
familiar scent?
I lose it.
I lose it, and I cry my lungs out.
Now it’s completely silent and I’m sure
they’re all staring at me, but I don’t care.
I cry.
I cry like those women Shaka Zulu forced
to cry when his mother, Nandi, passed
away.
Ngisikhihle straight.
Now, Nomvuyo is busy comforting me,
but Derek is also insisting on holding me.
I don’t know why I’m crying, but at this
moment, it’s what my body wants to do,
so...
I’m now in the bedroom.
As soon as I’m all covered up, I fall into a
very deep sleep...
***
When I wake up, I am completely shocked
to see everyone sitting around the bed.
Derek is next to me on the bed.
Nomvuyo: Baby...
I look at all of them. They’re staring at me.
I’m humiliated.
I’m so embarrassed.
Nomvuyo gives me a glass of water and I
find myself gobbling it all up.
It’s silent for a while.
Liwa, Nomvuyo, Zimkitha, Nolwazi, Dean
and Derek are here.
Before I can even gather up the courage to
say something, Zimkitha starts singing...
Seconds later, they’re all singing “Happy
Birthday.”
Now, I’m teary-eyed again, but this time,
it’s tears of positivity, I don’t know what
to say.
Dean: Stop crying!
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Zimkitha: Happy birthday, sweetheart.
She gives me a warm hug and I relax in
her embrace. For a second there, I miss
my mom...
Dean: So, I have a story for you all...
I relax in Derek’s arms as we all listen to
Dean tell everyone about my shady group
of friends.
Lol, if only he knew the half of it.
When he’s done, everyone is now on my
case about my choice of friends. I zone
them out.
They obviously don’t know me. I’m not
naive when it comes to the people I love...
They just
don’t understand the dynamic of our
friendship...
Liwa: We have a few gifts for you.
He gives me a box.
Liwa: That’s from Vuvu and I.
Me: Thank you.
Liwa: You must open it later.
Me: Okay.
Nolwazi then gives me an envelope.
Nolwazi: And this is from Langa and I.
I open it and gasp.
Nolwazi: We’re the worst when it comes
to gifts, so please forgive our lack of
creativity.
All I see is 100 and 200 rand notes.
I look at her in shock and she laughs.
Me: I was joking about the money!
Nolwazi: It’s the least we could do.
I look at them and sigh.
Me: Wow.
Dean: Expensive whore.
Liwa: Dean!
Dean chuckles.
Dean: Mind your own business wena.
I laugh.
Me: Yep, Liwa, mind your own business.
Liwa: Ohho kanti. I’m trying to defend
you.
Dean and I chuckle.
Zimkitha: My gift will arrive soon...
Me: It’s okay.
Derek sighs.
Derek: I apologise for how the day turned
out.
Me: It’s okay. You had good intentions.
Dean: You’re the planner in this crew,
Dlamini. Today is proof that if you’re not
organizing
something, it will fail.
We all laugh.
Me: This is why I asked for an ordinary
day.
Liwa: And this fool didn’t listen.
Dean: Fucken idiot.
Derek: Fuck off.
Liwa: Fuck you too.
Zimkitha: Heyiii language!
Liwa, Dean and Derek go back and forth
until they’re satisfied.
Nomvuyo: Are you done?
They keep quiet.
Nolwazi: Niyabhora.
Nomvuyo: Dinner should be ready now...
Let’s go.
Everyone gets up and goes to the lounge.
Derek pulls me and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: I’m sorry, okay?
Me: Okay.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
He smiles and lets go of me.
At this point, I’m not keeping track of my
moods... I’ll just let go and see what
happens...
INSERT 127 (Very Short Insert)
I am awakened by my phone ringing. I
reach out for it and answer sleepily.
Me: Hello?
Mom: Happpy!
I chuckle quietly.
Mom: Aww, my baby is growing up!
I listen to her sing for me.
Me: Hmm, once again, you forgot my
birthday.
Mom: I didn’t forget!
Me: Hmm. I am yet to receive a call from
dad!
She laughs.
Mom: We’re too old to remember dates!
Me: I am your only child, woman!
She giggles.
Mom: I’m so proud of the young woman
you’ve become.
Me: It’s not over yet.
Mom: Heyi and it’s just the beginning.
Phela you’re getting ready to be a mother
now, and we all
know that you’ll be amazing.
I sigh.
Mom: How was your day?
Me: It started off great, and then it just
went downhill. Derek invited abo Thato
and Kea.
Mom: Heeh! Was Niki there?
Me: Of course.
She laughs.
Mom: Did it end well?
Me: Not really, we ended up leaving.
Mom: Good!
I laugh.
Mom: How’s Derek?
Me: He’s okay.
Mom: I’m sure he has learnt his lesson.
You hate surprises.
Me: I hope he did.
We laugh.
Mom: Alright then, I’ll call you again
tomorrow. Sleep tight.
Me: Love you.
Mom: Love you too, baby.
I end the call and check the time. It’s now
23:00.
As I turn, Derek pulls me and wraps his
arm around me.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too, Star.
He plants a kiss on my nose and dozes off.
I use that last hour of my birthday to
reflect and thank God for remaining loyal
to me throughout
the years... I know I’m currently an
emotional mess, because I’m afraid of
what the future holds
for me, but I know He’ll still be around,
guiding and protecting me. I’ll hold on to
my faith and
see where everything goes...
***
The following day, Derek wakes up early
and tells me that he organised a family
meeting and
they’re going to discuss Xolani’s issue.
Me: I think that’s a bad idea.
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: He will instantly feel attacked and
he’ll be defensive.
He keeps quiet and looks at me
thoughtfully.
Me: You and Xolani are very close. Don’t
involve all these other people in this
issue. I suggest
you handle it privately and personally.
Involving your parents will ruin the
whole thing, I
guarantee you.
He sighs.
Me: Think about it.
He nods.
Derek: I think you’re right. Knowing
Xolani, he’ll probably run off if we gang up
on him.
Me: Yep.
Derek: Thank you.
Me: Anytime.
He continues getting dressed and I go
back to sleep. Once he’s done, he wakes
me up and I see
him off. I really hope that everything goes
well for him...
***
It’s now around 11am and Derek has been
gone since 9am.
Just as I am about to give him a call, my
phone rings and it’s him. I answer it
quickly.
Me: Is everything okay?
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Derek: I met up with him, and he has
agreed to go to rehab.
I sigh in relief.
Me: How is he?
Derek: He seems fine. Thankfully, the
addiction is not full-blown as yet. I just
want him to leave
this shit permanently.
Me: He needs to cut ties with Leon.
He sighs.
Derek: Hopefully, they’ll help him with
that as well. He’s obsessed with the guy.
Me: Shame.
Derek: What are you doing?
Me: Just finished showering. I really miss
taking a bubble bath; this shower
business is too
much.
Derek: Hmm...
Me: Ubuya nini kanti?
Derek: Come join me for brunch.
Me: Okay. No surprises?
He laughs.
Derek: No surprises, baby.
Me: Okay.
Derek: I’ll request an Uber now, get ready.
Me: Shap.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up and do as I am told. After about
10 minutes, the Uber arrives and I make
my way
outside.
***
I’m now with Derek at some restaurant.
Derek: So, I’ve been thinking...
Me: Yes?
Derek: We should move.
Me: Move?
Derek: Move out.
I look at him in disbelief.
Derek: We’re living in a bachelor
apartment. It’s not conducive to
pregnancy.
I sigh heavily. He’s definitely right.
Derek: We need more space.
Me: So what were you thinking?
He smiles.
Derek: I’ve invested in a lot of property.
The move will be a breeze.
Me: And do I have a say in any of this?
Derek: You can decide which property is
best.
I shake my head lightly.
Me: You don’t get it.
Derek: What?
Me: I’d like to contribute and actually feel
like I own the space.
He looks at me disinterestedly.
Me: Derek, I’m serious!
Derek: I told you that you’re welcome to
buy consumables.
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Derek: I’m a much organised guy,
Ziyanda. My life is planned and shit.
Me: Whatever.
Derek: I don’t want you living in a
bachelor apartment, when I have a pool of
property that is
appropriate for the phase we’re in.
Me: Wowzer.
Our food finally arrives and we begin
eating.
Derek: I got a call from my dad asking me
to come home, ngoba he needs to tell me
something.
Do you mind coming with me?
Me: Ah, and what about Khwezi?
He chuckles.
Derek: She’s probably out with her
housewife friends.
Me: Okay.
We continue eating...
***
We’re now making our way to Derek’s
home. I’m dreading it!
We get there and make our way to the
lounge.
Senior exclaims as soon as he sees me. I
completely forgot how kind he is,
compared to his
dragon wife.
Senior: Ziyanda!
Me: Hello, sir.
We share a hug and he looks at me
amusingly.
Senior: You two look very good together.
Me: Thanks.
Derek: I know how to pick ‘em.
Senior: You sure do.
I look at them disapprovingly and they
laugh.
We spend the next 10 minutes catching
up.
We then go outside and he looks at us
seriously.
Senior: I have some bizarre news.
Derek: Regarding?
Senior scratches his head and sighs
heavily.
Senior: I’m actually glad you came with
Ziyanda, because this affects her as well.
Now my heart is immediately racing.
Derek senses this, and holds my hand.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Senior: I’m not supposed to tell you this
now, but I can’t keep it to myself. Your
mother wanted
to break the news...
Derek: Baba, khuluma.
Senior sighs heavily and then looks at me.
Thereafter, he focuses on Derek.
Senior: It turns out, Busisiwe’s child is
actually yours, not the man she ran off
with...
I don’t think I heard him properly.
I must have misheard him, right?
Surely the Universe wouldn’t throw such
a bomb on me. Not now... it can’t be.
INSERT 128
It has been silent for quite some time
now. I can’t really read Senior’s
expression, but Derek
looks like he is ready to blow up.
Derek: What the fuck are you saying?
Me: Derek-
He looks at me sharply and I keep quiet.
Derek: What the fuck are you saying to
me?
Senior: Derek-
Derek lets go of my hand and steps closer
to his father. He’s making me feel very
intimidated.
I’m not used to this side of him. I’ve only
seen him like this the other time when he
attacked
Xolani’s lover...
I’m not sure what’s going through his
mind right now, and I think that’s what’s
making my
anxiety shoot up.
Senior: Son-
Derek: Are you telling me that Busisiwe
has my child?
Senior looks at Derek nervously and nods.
It’s very clear that he is also intimidated
by him.
Derek: When did this come to light?
Senior: I found out a couple of days ago.
Derek: What about Khwezi?
Senior sighs heavily.
Senior: It’s been a while, before she had
the stroke.
Derek tightens his jaw and glances at me.
The fury in his eyes is a bit too much, so I
look away
and focus on Senior.
Derek: I’m assuming Busisiwe knew from
the beginning?
Senior sighs again and scratches his head.
Senior: From my understanding, she has
been aware from the beginning.
Derek looks at me again and this time, I
stare right back at him.
I eventually break the staring contest, and
ask Senior for the bathroom. I then
proceed to make
my way there. I sit on the toilet seat and
try to figure out how I’m feeling.
I think I’m numb, because I’m not
panicking. However, I’m also angry. I’m
angry at the fact that I
seem to attract a lot of drama. I’d like to
go back to my peaceful life, where the
only thing that
stressed me out was my choice of reading
books.
Ever since Derek came into my life,
everything has been chaotic. His friends
have brought so
much drama in life, and that can’t be
denied.
Now, I’m constantly triggered.
My thoughts are interrupted by the door
opening.
Derek stands there and stares at me.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes?
He walks in and closes the door.
Derek: I don’t know what to say to you.
Me: There’s nothing to say to me. You
have a child with Busi.
He scratches his head.
Me: If there’s one person you should be
talking to, it has to be Busi, not me. What
am I going to
do?
Derek: Ziyanda-
Me: I’m not angry, Derek.
He keeps quiet.
Me: But, what I would like right now is to
go to my mother’s house and spend time
with her.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Because I’m telling you right now,
being here and witnessing what’s going to
take place
next will be enough to send me back to a
psychiatric clinic.
He tries to say something, but ends up
keeping quiet.
Me: So for my sanity, and this child’s
health, please let me go home and
separate me from this
chaos. I don’t want to be put through this
shit.
I stand and look at him.
Derek: I want to talk to my mother, she’s
here.
My heart rate immediately increases. The
thought of Khwezi drives me crazy.
There’s a special
place in hell for people like her.
Me: I’ll leave now.
Derek: Ziyanda-
Me: Derek, once again, I’m not angry. I
understand that this is not your fault. I
just don’t want to
get involved, please.
He sighs and nods.
Me: I’ll go home now.
Derek: I’ll ask Liwa to pick you up.
I shake my head.
Me: I don’t want that. I want to be alone.
He stares at me intently and eventually
nods.
Me: Thanks.
He steps closer to me till our bodies are
touching. Our foreheads touch, and he
pushes my
head up till we’re facing each other.
Derek: No matter what happens, don’t
ever, for even one second, doubt my love
for you. Nothing
will come in-between us.
I don’t say anything.
I think part of me needs all of this
assurance.
Derek: I’m not going to let anyone ruin
what we have. Please tell me you believe
in us?
I sigh.
Derek: Please assure me that you’re not
going to run off.
He stares at me pleadingly.
Derek: Ziyanda, please?
Me: I’m not going to run off.
He sighs in relief, as if he expected me to
tell him to fuck off.
Me: All I ask is that you sort it out without
involving me. I’m already dealing with
this pregnancy;
I’m not in the right space to go back and
forth with your mother and baby’s
mother.
I ignore the piercing pain that stems from
the realisation that I’m not carrying
Derek’s first child.
Derek: Okay.
Me: I want to go home.
He kisses my forehead and nods.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I know.
Derek: I’ll never forgive myself for not
ensuring that your birthday weekend is
filled with
positivity.
Me: Your intent is what matters. I’ll be
fine.
He wraps his arms around me and
squeezes me.
Derek: I’m sorry for all of this.
Me: It’s okay.
He plants a kiss on my lips and then sighs.
Me: Let’s get going. I’m sure Khwezi is
ready for you.
He chuckles. It’s a different chuckle. He’s
clearly angry about this situation, and he
has every
right to be.
We walk out of the bathroom and make
our way downstairs.
Khwezi: What the HELL is she doing in
MY HOUSE?!
Derek squeezes my hand.
I zone everything out and continue
walking. The door seems so far right now.
Khwezi: I’m asking you a question, Derek!
What the hell is that skank doing here?!
Derek stops walking and I try to continue
walking, but he stops me.
Khwezi: DEREK! WHAT IS THAT SKANK
DOING IN MY HOUSE?!
Derek immediately turns and walks to
her.
Now my heart rate is on another level.
He walks to her and gets so close, that
he’s body is practically pressed against
hers.
Senior: Son!
Derek: Call her a skank one more time...
He’s voice is so low, but authoritative at
the same time.
Khwezi breathes heavily.
Me: Derek.
I walk to him and grab his arm.
Khwezi: How dare you disrespect me?!
Derek: Me? Disrespect you?
Me: Derek, let’s go, please!
He pushes me lightly so I’m out of the
way.
Senior: Son, let’s talk-
Derek: Shut up.
Senior: No! You need to calm down!
My anxiety is sky high at this point. I
decide that the only logical thing to do is
walk out,
because I can feel an attack approaching.
As I begin walking to the door, Senior says
my name. I ignore him. I don’t want to be
part of this!
Senior: Ziyanda!
I continue to walk, and as I get to the
door, I hear Derek say my name as well.
I get to the car and, Derek is behind me.
Derek: Baby.
Senior is also here, looking at me in
confusion and disbelief.
Why are they looking at me like this? I
know my anxiety is triggered, but I
haven’t had an attack
yet. I’m still “sane.”
I decide that I’ll walk out of the yard all
together.
Derek: Zi, wait.
He stops me and looks at me. He looks
like he’s panicking. His anger seems to
have
evaporated.
Me: What? I’m fine.
Derek: His eyes trail down my body.
Me: What?
Senior: Are you okay?
I look at them in confusion.
Me: What’s going on?
I also look down and gasp as soon as I
realise that I’m bleeding.
I push Derek away and look at all the
blood that seems to be covering my grey
leggings.
I’m confused.
INSERT 129 (Short Insert)
Derek is now panicking, dialling
someone’s number.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: What?
He grabs my arm and leads me to the car.
Senior: What’s going on??
He’s now on the phone.
Derek: I need you to go fetch Ziyanda’s
mom... No, Dean, go now.
He ends the call and then tries to let me
get in the car.
Me: The bleeding is not that bad, relax.
Dean: Get in the fucken car!
I get in and sit, while he goes to his father
and speaks to him for a minute. He then
gets in the
car and immediately drives off.
Derek: Are you in pain??
I shake my head.
Derek: Are you in fucken pain, Ziyanda?!
Me: No, Derek! No, I’m not in fucken pain!
Now, would you stop shouting at me?!
He tries to say something, but stops
himself. He then takes a deep breath and
focuses on the
road.
Derek: Are you still bleeding?
Me: I don’t know...
I open the window and focus on the
buildings we’re driving past.
I hear him making calls and I instantly
zone him out.
I didn’t even realise that we had arrived
at our doctor’s practice.
I feel him shaking me, and I snap out of it.
We get out of the car and he leads me
inside.
Dr M looks at me, and I can tell that she’s
shocked and confused.
Dr: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes?
She glances at Derek.
Derek: There’s no time to do all of this.
Why the fuck is she bleeding?
Dr: Let’s check you out...
Soon, I’m being taken to a private room
and asked to take off my clothes...
***
Dr: First trimester miscarriages are
caused by problems with the
chromosomes of the fetus.
Derek: What the fuck do you mean? Did
we not come here every fucken week to
check on this
baby? How did you not identify
problems?
Dr: Our last check up was three weeks
ago.
Dr sighs heavily and looks at me.
Dr: Chromosomes are blocks of DNA.
They contain a detailed set of instructions
that control a
wide range of factors, from how the cells
of the body develop, to what colour eyes
the baby will
have. Sometimes, something can go
wrong at the point of conception and the
fetus receives
too many or not enough chromosomes.
The reasons for this are often unclear, but
it means the
fetus won’t be able to develop normally,
resulting in a miscarriage.
As Derek continues questioning Dr M’s
credibility, I zone out their back and
forth...
Now I’m just uncomfortable. I feel dirty.
As I snap out of it, I find Dr M staring at
me softly.
Dr: I have to emphasise that it’s not your
fault... Additionally, this doesn’t mean you
won’t be
able to get another baby.
Where is Derek?
I look around.
Dr: He needed some fresh air.
I nod lightly.
Dr: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes?
Dr: Are you with me?
I nod.
She sighs and nods.
Dr: We’ve determined that you have a
missed miscarriage. Here, the fetus dies,
but the body
doesn’t recognize the pregnancy loss. As a
result, the placenta may still continue to
release
hormones; hence you’re still experiencing
signs of pregnancy.
I keep quiet.
Dr: Through the ultrasound, we’ve just
determined that there’s no heartbeat...
Just then, Derek walks back in.
My mother and Dean walk in after him.
They all sit and look at the doctor. Derek
is avoiding my
eyes. My mom looks blank, I can’t read
her. Dean looks concerned; he’s also
avoiding my eyes.
Dr: We have 3 options: 1. Expectant
Management- wait for the tissue to pass
naturally out of
your womb. 2 Medical Management- take
medication that causes the tissue to pass
out of your
womb. 3 Surgical Management- have the
tissue surgically removed.
Mom: Please explain each option
properly.
Dr nods lightly.
Dr: With Expectant Management, you
have to wait 7-14 for the pregnancy tissue
to pass
naturally. If the pain and bleeding have
lessened or stopped completely during
this time, this
means the miscarriage has finished.
There’s complete silence.
Dr: With Medical Management, you have
medication to remove the tissue. This
involves taking
tablets that cause the cervix to open,
allowing the tissue to pass out. You’ll then
be sent home
for the miscarriage to complete.
She looks at me.
Dr: In some cases, surgery is used to
remove the remaining pregnancy tissue.
We’ll have
immediate surgery if: 1 you experience
continuous heavy bleeding. 2 There’s
evidence the
pregnancy tissue has become infected. 3
Medication or waiting for the tissue to
pass out
naturally has been unsuccessful.
Mom: She’ll take the expectant option, no
medication and surgery.
I close my eyes and zone them out again
as they continue having a Q&A session.
After a while, I feel my mom’s hand on
mine, and I open my eyes...
***
Dr: You’ll experience symptoms similar to
a heavy period, such as heavy cramping
and heavy
vaginal bleeding for up to three weeks.
Take a pregnancy test after three weeks.
If the test
shows that you’re still pregnant, call me
immediately, so I can conduct further
tests to ensure
you don’t have a molar pregnancy or
ectopic pregnancy.
There’s silence.
Dr: Please contact me immediately should
your bleeding and pain become
particularly heavy, or
you develop high temperature.
Additionally, if the bleeding and pain gets
worse within the 7-14
days, this could mean that the miscarriage
hasn’t finished. In this case, we’ll do
another scan.
After the scan, you may decide to either
continue waiting for the miscarriage to
occur naturally,
or have drug treatment or surgery. If you
want to continue to wait it out, I’ll check
your condition
again up to 14 days later.
My mom nods.
Mom: We will do so.
Dr: I have given you all the information
you need, however, please contact me
should you have
any concerns. I am always available.
Mom: Thank you.
My mom then looks at me.
Mom: I brought clean clothes.
I stand as the doctor and Dean walk out.
My mom takes out fresh underwear...
She and Derek watch as I place the long
sanitary towel on my underwear.
Me: I can’t use tampons?
Mom: Hai, Ziyanda.
I sigh as I finish getting dressed...
INSERT 130
We’re now driving back to my parents’
house.
The ride is completely silent. Dean is not
with us now, he went back home after we
finished at
the clinic.
We eventually get to the house and make
our way in. I go straight to the bathroom
to take a hot
bath. As I lay there, I close my eyes and
feel myself doze off. I am eventually
awakened by my
mother, shaking me lightly.
Mom: Ziyanda.
I blink a couple of times and shiver,
because the water is cold now. As soon as
I stand, I groan.
The water is now bloody and my back is
achy.
Mom: Phuma, so I can drain the water.
I nod lightly as I get up and dry myself.
I leave the bathroom and make my way to
my bedroom, where I sit on the bed.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Zama. I
answer it.
Me: Hello?
Zama: Hey, friend!
Me: Hey, unjani?
Zama: I’m great! So, I was thinking…
Me: Yes?
Zama: I want you to plan my baby
shower!
Me: Isn’t a baby shower supposed to be a
surprise?
She laughs.
Zama: No! I want you to plan, Zi! Please!
Me: Uhm-
Zama: I’m not taking no for an answer!
You can’t show me the pictures of the
proposal you
planned for Dean and then not agree
when I ask you to do the same shit for me!
How could I
resist??
I sigh.
Me: Okay then.
Zama: Yaas!
Me: Bye then.
Zama: We’ll continue this conversation on
Monday.
Me: Okay.
Zama: Are you okay?
Me: Yep, just tired.
Zama: Alright then, bye!
Me: Shap.
I hang up and stand as soon as I feel the
bleeding. I wipe myself, lotion, and get
dressed in my
pyjamas. I walk out of the bedroom and
find Derek sitting in the lounge with my
mom. She
seems to be comforting him.
I walk to the kitchen and find something
to eat. She follows me and stares at me.
Mom: Baby, are you hungry?
Me: I’m sorted.
I walk back to my bedroom and get in
bed. My back is suddenly achy and I feel
uncomfortable.
***
It’s now Monday, and before I could even
get ready for work, my mom walked in
and stopped
me.
Me: I’m going to work.
Mom: No, you’re not, Ziyanda.
Me: I’m not sick, I can function.
She looks at me softly.
Mom: Baby, you’ve been quiet since
Saturday. I know you always need time to
think things
through, but this is too much…
Me: What’s too much?
She keeps quiet.
Me: Stop trying to treat me like I’m
disabled.
She tries to say something, but stops
herself. She then walks out of the
bedroom and I continue
where I left off.
***
Lwazi insisted on traveling to school with
me in an Uber, so I obliged.
Lwazi: Mommy, I’ve been thinking…
Me: Yes?
Lwazi: When are you getting married to
Uncle D?
I frown and she giggles.
Lwazi: You guys are always together.
Me: What happened to wanting me all to
yourself?
She laughs.
Lwazi: I’m just asking!
Me: So, you want me to get married?
She shakes her head dramatically.
Lwazi: I want you all to myself!
Me: Hmkay then…
Lwazi: Are you sick?
Me: I just have a really bad headache.
Lwazi: You must drink lots of water!
Me: Yes, ma’am…
***
We eventually get to school and I go
straight to my class to prepare for my day.
When it’s time
for assembly, Zama fetches me.
Zama: Dean is here, friend!
She goes on to tell me how she can’t seem
to get over his hotness.
Me: Focus on your pregnancy.
She laughs and we walk out. I see Derek
and Dean standing a bit far from
everyone. They seem
to be engaging in a deep conversation,
and Dean seems to be reprimanding
Derek.
I stand next to my kids and Zama leads
assembly.
After 20 minutes, we’re done.
As I walk in with my kids, Dean says my
name and I turn to look at him.
Dean: Can I have a word?
Me: I have a class.
Dean: I won’t be long.
I tell my kids what to do and they walk in
quietly. Thereafter, I follow Dean to
Derek’s office and
close the door. Derek is sitting down.
I can’t even describe how he is, because
I’ve never seen him like this.
Dean: Why the fuck are both of you at
work?
Me: Am I supposed to stay at home?
He looks at me in disbelief.
Dean: Are you kidding me?
Me: Dean, I have a class to teach.
He sighs loudly and I look at Derek. He
hasn’t looked at me.
Dean: Zi, come on…
He sounds defeated.
Just as I’m about to say something, Derek
bursts out in loud sobs. Dean immediately
rushes to
where he’s sitting and holds him.
As I’m about to walk to them, Derek stops
sobbing and looks at me.
Derek: You must be thrilled.
I don’t respond. I’m still processing what
he said.
Dean: Dere-
Derek: You never wanted this baby to
begin with…
Dean: Derek, stop.
Derek: Am I lying?
Dean groans in defeat.
Derek: You can’t even pretend you cared,
for my sake… I’m the one who always has
to consider
how you’re feeling. You don’t bother
meeting me halfway.
Dean looks at me nervously.
I walk out and close the door lightly. I
then walk to Camille’s office and knock
lightly.
I walk in and find her working.
Camille: Hey, Zi!
Me: Hey, how are you?
Camille: I’m well, thanks, and you?
Me: I’m well.
Camille: Have a seat.
I sit opposite her and she looks at me.
Me: I wanted to let you know that I’m
resigning.
She blinks a couple of times, before
staring at me in shock.
Camille: Excuse me?
Me: I’m resigning, with immediate effect.
Camille: Ziyanda!
I don’t say anything.
Camille: What’s going on? Are you
unhappy? What triggered this sudden
decision?
Me: It’s not sudden.
She looks at me expectantly.
I don’t say anything.
Camille: Have you been offered another
job?
I shake my head.
Me: I need time off.
Camille: We’re approaching the end of the
term. You’ll have time to regroup and rest.
I don’t say anything.
Camille: I’m not going to let you do this. If
you need time off, then I’ll give you time
off. These
students cannot afford to lose you!
She sighs.
Camille: Think about it… If you still want
to resign after vac, then we’ll discuss it.
I don’t say anything.
Camille: Please?
Me: Okay.
She smiles lightly.
Camille: Thank you.
Me: Okay.
I make my way to my classroom and find
Dean there, my kids are working quietly.
He walks to me desk and clears his throat.
Dean: It’s not about you…
His voice is low.
Me: Derek is grieving.
Dean: What about you?
Me: What about me?
He sighs.
Me: I’d like to teach, if you don’t mind.
He scratches his head and looks at me.
Just then, I feel a sharp pain on my back
and I gasp quietly.
Dean: Are you okay?
Me: Ya… Need the bathroom.
I get my bag, walk out and make my way
to the bathroom.
I sit there and look at all these bloody
clots on the pad… I quickly change it and
throw away the
used one.
Dean is still in my class, chatting to my
kids.
Dean: Your kids are quite smart, Ms
Dlamini.
Me: Yep.
He walks to me. He stares at me intently.
Dean: I have to go.
Me: Alright, bye.
He hesitates, but eventually walks out.
I continue teaching...
INSERT 131 (Unedited)
It’s now Wednesday and I am making my
way to work with Lwazi, when I get a call
from
Nomvuyo.
Me: So early in the morning?
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Aren’t you tired of these
cravings?
Me: Huh?
Nomvuyo: I just woke up now and guess
what I’m craving?
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: Pickled fish.
Me: Pickled fish?
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: I know!
Me: How random.
Nomvuyo: This pregnancy is getting on
my nerves. I need it to end ASAP!
Me: Sorry...
Nomvuyo: Anyway, how are you? I
haven’t seen you in a while.
Me: I’m alright...
Nomvuyo: How’s the pregnancy? Have the
cravings started?
Me: I’m alright, hey...
Nomvuyo: Let me get going, Nyami’s
transport driver is busy giving me
problems.
Me: Bye.
Nomvuyo: Bye, love.
She ends the call and I glance at Lwazi,
who is sleeping at the back.
Eventually, we get to school and make our
way in...
***
It’s now lunchtime and I feel drained and
lethargic. I haven’t bled at all and I’m glad,
because all
that running up and down to the
bathroom is quite tiring.
As I’m making my way back to the
classroom, I find Dean there.
Dean: Hey.
He looks at me awkwardly.
Me: Hello.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I’m well, and you?
Dean: I’m...
He sighs.
Dean: Ziyanda, I need you to-
I sigh.
Me: Is Derek in his office?
He nods.
I then begin walking towards the door.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I walk out and he follows me. I get to
Derek’s door and knock. I hear him say
come in and I walk
in, with Dean following me.
Derek looks up from his work and stops
what he’s doing. He seems shocked.
Dean closes the door.
There’s a long silence... Many thoughts are
racing through my mind, so I take a deep
breath and
try to gather these thoughts.
I take another deep breath and look at
Derek.
Me: When I met you, I never, for one
second, thought we’d develop a close
relationship...
He stares at me.
Me: From the get go, it was very clear, and
I mean beyond explicit, that I have mental
problems... And just like everyone who
comes into my life, you promised me that
you would
always have a deep sense of
understanding towards the way I behave.
There were many
moments where I felt that we shouldn’t
continue developing this relationship,
because I knew
that it’s not easy.
I stare at both of them.
Me: Unfortunately for me, I am not
privileged like any of you to control my
emotions. Believe me
when I say I have tried to rationalise a lot
of them, and do this and that, but unlike
you, I am very
very far from perfect.
Dean sits down.
Me: When I fell pregnant, I made it clear
that I was not ready for a baby, and you,
Derek, knew
my reasons. We both knew that I was not
mentally and emotionally ready to have a
child. Heck,
I’m still trying to control my own shit, and
now I have to take care of another
human? You tried
to convince me that we’d be able to do it...
I fought it for a very long time, but I
eventually
started opening up to it... With each
passing day, I was able to accept that I
was going to have a
baby... I wasn’t 100% there, but I was
slowly making progress. Someone else
looking from the
outside may think I was being selfish or
dramatic, but we both knew what I go
through every
single day. You’re the only person,
besides my parents and Niki, who get to
see me when I am
at my lowest: when I wake up and feel
like life is not worth living; when I fuss
over tiny mistakes
that I make and blame myself; when I
have horrible nightmares and
hallucinations; or when I
just want to shut out everyone and be in
my own bubble.
I keep quiet and try to gather my
thoughts.
Me: So why would you even bring up the
fact that I initially didn’t want this baby?
Is this a way
of you finding someone to blame for what
happened? What exactly is your purpose
of saying
that?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: So, you’re just going to dismiss all the
progress that I made?
I sigh.
Me: You say I’m thrilled that this baby
died...
I feel a mild pain hitting my back.
Me: You think I’m thrilled that every time
I go to the bathroom to pee, I see bloody
clots? Do you
really think that it’s thrilling to know that
as I change a pad and throw away the
used one, I’m
actually throwing away a fetus? Every
pain and every blood clot represents what
was supposed
to my child; do you honestly think I’m
that cold-hearted that I’d find all of this
enjoyable?
Dean looks down and I continue staring at
Derek.
Me: Just because I’m not curled up in a
bed, crying my lungs out, I’m heartless?
Now, I’m forced
to grieve a certain way, because that will
make you feel better?
I swallow the lump forming in my throat.
Me: More than anything, this shows me
just how misunderstood I am. As much as
you try, you
will never understand how it’s like to be
mentally oppressed by an illness you have
no control
over. Unfortunately, depression is not a
switch I can play with, just because I have
to
accommodate people. Instead, I am the
one who’s suffering, because I have to
accommodate it
in my life forever. I don’t get to choose
when I want to deal with it...
He looks down.
Me: So, I apologise for being selfish, I
really do. I apologise for not meeting your
standards. I
had no idea that you feel like I never meet
you halfway... You’ve always been so
vocal about
understanding me and being patient with
me, so I apologise for overusing all of your
patience...
Clearly you’ve run out of patience and I
am here to tell you that you can walk
away from me... I
don’t want to be with you when all I do is
use up all your energy and push you to
the edge. I
don’t have the right to expect that from
you... I’d rather live knowing that my
selfishness doesn’t
affect other people. I’ll continue figuring
out how to live with this disease, because
it’s
obviously not going anywhere...
Thankfully, my parents don’t really have a
choice to leave me,
so I think they’ll be around for a while...
They won’t minimise my actions to being
dramatic or
selfish... Had I known that today you’d be
using my episodes as leverage to make a
strong
point, I’d have toned everything down...
Unfortunately, because I don’t know
much about you
and your life, I can’t really turn around
and use your troubles to make my points.
I am obviously
going to lose here, because I have been
emotionally naked with you, so you have
some great
points to make. Silly me didn’t know this
nakedness would come back to hit me like
this.
I sigh.
Me: I have to constantly strengthen
myself, because a child is literally
removing him/herself out
of my system for the next few weeks, so I
apologise that I haven’t shed a few tears...
If there’s a
universal way of dealing with grieve, then
I obviously missed it. I apologise for not
processing
this whole traumatic experience the same
way as everyone else in the world. My
body is not
used to bleeding out children, so please
forgive me for not making space for a few
tears...
I clear my throat.
Me: But look on the bright side... When
God closes the door, He opens a window...
You have lost
something this side, but gained something
elsewhere... You’re fortunate...
He stands.
Me: I am going to be deliberately selfish,
and exclude myself from this situation
now... Being
numb at this moment, is what's keeping
me alive. I can’t afford to be an emotional
mess, when
I’m already suffering physically, so if
you’ll excuse me...
I turn and walk out of the door.
I go straight to my classroom, get my bag,
and walk out, ignoring the crippling pains
that seem
to be approaching.
INSERT 132
It’s been a full week since the doctor told
us about the miscarriage. The bleeding
isn’t as crazy
as I thought it would be- which makes me
think I still have a long way to go.
As I’m getting ready in my room, my mom
walks in and smiles.
Mom: Are you ready?
Me: Almost done.
She nods and walks out, closing the door.
After 15 minutes, I finish up and go to the
lounge, where I find Derek sitting. I
haven’t seen him
since that day in the office. I decided I’d
stop going to work... Schools close in
couple of days,
so all should be well.
Me: Hi.
Derek: Hi.
I walk out and they follow shortly after.
My dad has been avoiding me at all costs
and I’m glad.
We get in the car and drive off to see Dr
M.
***
When we get there, she does the usual
tests and tells me that the miscarriage is
not done. I still
need to wait it out...
Mom: Is the weight loss normal? I’m
worried that she’s losing too much
weight.
Dr M looks at me softly.
Dr M: It’s normal... As long as you’re still
keeping healthy, you should be fine.
My mom looks at me worriedly.
Mom: Alright then.
Dr M: I’ll see you again next week.
Mom: Thank you.
We make our way out.
Mom: I have to meet someone close by...
Derek, I’ll catch a taxi.
Derek: I don’t mind dropping you off.
My mom shakes her head and smiles.
Mom: You can take Zi back home, I’ll be
back later.
Derek nods lightly and gets in the car.
Mom: See you later, baby.
Me: Okay.
She walks off as I get in the car.
Me: I’d like to get something to eat, if you
don’t mind.
Derek: Sure.
He drives to Mike’s Kitchen and we get a
table. We place our order and the waiter
walks off.
Derek: How are you?
Me: Could be better.
He nods and keeps quiet.
The waiter brings our drinks and we
focus on them for some time.
Derek: I looked for you on Wednesday.
Me: I went home.
Derek: I figured.
Me: How are you?
He scratches his chin thoughtfully.
Derek: Emotional.
I nod and we’re silent once again.
Derek: So, where do we stand?
Me: I stand by what I said on Wednesday.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’d rather we go our separate ways to
avoid more misunderstandings and hurt.
He nods and keeps quiet.
Our food eventually comes and we begin
eating. His phone rings and I see that it’s
Khwezi
calling. He ends the call and focuses on his
food. Seconds later, it rings again, and this
time it’s
Busi.
He switches the phone off.
Me: You can answer it.
He shakes his head and focuses on his
food.
After a while, we finish eating.
Derek: Would you like some dessert?
Me: No thanks.
He orders malva pudding for himself.
After a while, the waiter brings it and he
focuses on it.
He finishes eating and pays the bill. We
then make our way out.
Derek: I need to get something from my
loft in Maboneng. Do you mind?
Me: No.
He drives off.
Just then, my phone rings, and I see Niki’s
name. I answer it.
Niki: Finally!
Me: Sorry.
Niki: What’s going on? Why are you
ignoring me?
Me: I had a miscarriage.
Derek looks at me sharply and Niki gasps.
Niki: What??
Me: I lost the baby. I started bleeding last
Saturday and went to the doctor.
Niki: Zi, no...
She sighs heavily.
Me: Yep.
Niki: So, what’s happening now?
Me: I have to wait it out.
Niki: The bleeding?
Me: Yes.
Niki: Why didn’t you opt for the surgery?
Me: My mom doesn’t want me to do it.
She sighs.
Niki: Where are you? I need to give you a
big hug.
Me: I could use one...
Niki: I’m so sorry friend.
I keep quiet.
I don’t know what it is that triggers it, but
I start sobbing.
Niki: I know it doesn’t make sense right
now, but God knows what He’s doing.
This is not your
fault, Zi. I hope you know that.
I bite my lower lip. I need her to continue,
because her voice is really comforting.
Niki: I’m here for you. I don’t like
speaking to you over the phone, so please
let me know when
you’re at home.
Me: Okay.
Niki: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Niki: Bye, then.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and wipe my tears. Derek
speeds off and soon, we arrive at his loft
and he insists
on me coming in with him. We get there
and I sit on the couch, while he goes to the
bedroom.
He comes back.
He walks to the couch and sits next to me.
Derek: Do you mind giving me a few
minutes of your attention?
Me: Sure.
Derek: I mean your undivided attention,
Ziyanda.
I switch off the TV and look at him. I
hadn’t realised just how bad he looks. Do I
also look like
this? He looks like he’s carrying the world
on his shoulders.
Derek: Let’s get one thing clear...
He looks at me sternly.
Derek: I’ll never let you walk away from
me without fighting.
I try to say something, but he stops me.
Derek: As emotional as I am right now,
I’m still rational enough to know that it
would be foolish
to not fight for us. We’ve come a long way,
and I’m too invested to give up on you.
He sighs and scratches his head.
Derek: I don’t know where I’m at
emotionally. I’m a mess. I don’t think I’ve
ever been this hurt or
angry.
Me: Angry at whom?
Derek: God, the Universe, my family, Busi,
myself, and you...
I keep quiet.
Derek: I’m angry that God would even do
such a thing to the people He claims to
love and
protect. I don’t get the logic of this one bit.
One minute, we’re blessed with
something so
precious, the next that thing is snatched
from us... I don’t get it...
He rubs his eyes.
Derek: I had so many plans... I had so
many hopes and dreams for our next
chapter, and I’m
fucken pissed that this shit had to happen.
I don’t get it, Ziyanda. I don’t fucken get it.
He sighs.
Derek: And then there’s my family and
Busi... I will never forgive them for this
shit. It turns out
Khwezi knew about this shit for a long
time now. I want to cut all of them out of
my life, but I
obviously can’t because of this new
development.
He looks down.
Derek: And then there’s you...
He looks at me.
Derek: Yes, I’m angry at you... I know it
doesn’t make sense, but I am... I’m angry
that you’re
pulling away from me when I need you
the most. I’m not sure whether you need
me or not, but I
need you. I feel like I’m drowning, and I
know for a fact that you’re all I need right
now.
He sighs heavily and chuckles lightly.
Derek: It’s scary how much I love you... I
think you underestimate the impact you
have, and how
much you mean to me. I’m pissed that
we’re not able to go through this together.
I know we
deal with shit differently, but surely I’m
not selfish in wanting you by my side
right now?
We’re silent for a while.
Derek: I apologise for being harsh and
inconsiderate. Yes, I don’t fully
understand what you go
through, but I’m more than willing to
unlearn and relearn. I would never use
your troubles as
leverage to make strong points in an
argument, Ziyanda. I’m sorry if that’s the
impression I gave
you. You also need to understand that I’m
grieving, so my rationality is a bit shaky.
He gets closer to me and takes my hands.
Derek: I need you, Ziyanda. Right now, I’m
hurt, lonely, confused and pissed as fuck.
I’m fucken
emotional and I need you by my side. So,
when you start mentioning separating,
you’re actually
making it worse. I don’t like this distance
between us. There’s no way I’m going to
let go of you.
If I have to spend the rest of my life
fighting and proving how much I love you,
then so be it.
I sigh heavily and eventually start
sobbing.
He pulls me and wraps his arms around
me...
INSERT 133 (Short Insert)
When I wake up, Derek’s arms are
wrapped around me a bit too tight. I try to
remove myself, but
he groans sleepily and continues holding
on to me.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Hmm.
Me: I need to pee.
He groans.
Me: Ngidi.
He opens his eyes and yawns.
Me: I need to pee.
He loosens his grip on me.
Derek: Don’t run away.
I get out of the bed and make my way to
the bathroom. I pee, and as I wash my
hands, I realise
just how drained I look. I’m losing weight,
and not in a nice way. My face is pale and I
look dry.
I finish up and go back to the bedroom. As
soon as I get back in bed, Derek wraps his
arms
around me again and I sigh in defeat.
***
I am awakened by mild pains in my
abdomen area. I groan heavily and Derek
instantly wakes
up.
Derek: Baby.
I curl up and squeeze my tummy.
Derek: Zi.
I begin sobbing quietly as I listen and
process this excruciating pain. As it
intensifies, I feel
myself bleeding.
Derek: Should we go see Dr M?
I shake my head and shut my eyes.
Me: I need a hot water bottle.
He looks around, panicking.
Derek: I don’t have one. I’ll buy one quic-
Me: Just pour boiling water in an empty
bottle.
Derek: Okay.
He rushes out as I continue curling up and
groaning.
After a while, he comes back with a bottle
and hands it to me.
Me: I need a small towel.
He gets one and I cover the bottle with the
towel. He watches as I place the bottle on
my
abdomen area.
After a few minutes, the pain subsides
and I sigh.
Me: I’m okay.
He sits on the edge of the bed and stares
down at me.
Me: I’m okay, Derek.
I stand and walk to the lounge to get my
bag. I then take out a pad and walk to the
bathroom.
He follows me and watches as I change
the pad.
As soon as he sees the bloody pad, he
takes it.
Me: Derek-
He shakes his head and I leave him alone.
I wipe myself, before putting on the clean
one. I wash
my hands and take the pad from him. I
roll it and use some tissue to cover it.
Thereafter, I flush
it and turn to look at him.
Me: I’m sorry.
I step closer to him and he wraps his arms
around me and instantly starts crying. It’s
not his
usual quiet sobs; he’s letting it all out this
time around.
I wrap my arms around him and we stand
there for what seems like forever. I don’t
think I have
it in me to cry more.
I don’t know when or how, but we find
ourselves sitting on the ground. The tiles
are making my
pains worse, but I ignore them.
Derek: This is fucked up.
I sigh.
Derek: I don’t know how I’m going to get
through this. I’ve never felt this defeated.
I want to speak, but I don’t know what to
say. I don’t have it in me to comfort him,
because I’m
also confused and defeated.
He then looks at me.
Derek: Thank you for staying.
Me: Well, it’s not like you gave me a
choice.
He chuckles and looks at me.
Derek: Do you see yourself dating
someone else besides me?
I frown.
Derek: I’m just asking.
Me: I don’t know...
Derek: Hmm.
We’re silent for a while.
Derek: How are your pains?
Me: The tiles are killing me.
He immediately stands and pulls me up.
Derek: Why didn’t you say anything?
Me: You were crying your lungs out.
Derek: Mxm.
We walk to the bedroom and I get back in
bed.
Derek: You’ve lost a lot of weight.
Me: I look horrible.
Derek: You do.
Me: Hey!
Derek: You know I love your curves...
Me: Mxm.
I take the hot water bottle and give it to
him.
Me: Please massage my back, it hurts.
He nods as I reposition and lie on my
tummy. He pulls up my top and begins
massaging my
back gently. He then places the bottle.
Derek: Does this help?
I nod.
He continues massaging me until I doze
off into quite a deep sleep.
***
When I wake up, I can smell Derek’s food.
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom
and chuckle
when I see packets of pads neatly placed
next to the toilet rolls. I take one and
change the pad I
have. I then walk out and make my way to
the kitchen, and sure enough, I find him
cooking.
Derek: Dinner will be ready in a few
minutes.
Me: Okay.
I go to the lounge and sit. I take my phone
and see that I have missed calls from Niki
and my
mother. I text both of them, and let them
know that I am okay.
Minutes later, Derek comes with a tray of
food.
My stomach instantly grumbles and he
chuckles.
Derek: Right on time, huh?
Me: Whatever.
He fetches his plate and we begin eating.
Me: Can I switch on the TV?
He frowns.
Me: Angithi you said you want my
undivided attention.
Derek: Very funny.
I switch on the TV and play an episode of
Basketball Wives.
***
It’s now around 7pm, and I am full.
Derek: Are you ready to go home?
Me: I’d like to go out for a drink.
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: I’m not pregnant anymore, Derek. I’m
sure I can drink now.
He sighs.
Me: You can stay.
He shakes his head and stands.
Derek: Asambe.
I stand as well.
Derek: So, we’re going to go out looking
like this?
Me: We can’t be that bad...
Derek: Hmm.
Me: Are you trying to charm girls?
Derek: Angithi I’m single.
I leave him there and go to the bathroom,
while he laughs.
***
It’s now around 8pm and we’re heading
to Shakers.
As soon as we get there, we look at each
other and shake our heads. It’s so packed,
that one
can’t even take 2 steps without bumping
into someone. We then walk to Lenins,
which is more
peaceful. We get a table outside and I
order a mojito, while he gets whiskey.
As we’re chatting, we’re interrupted by
someone.
The Worm, Siya, stands there.
Siya: Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Hello, Siya.
He looks at Derek.
Siya: Long time, buddy.
Derek doesn’t respond.
Siya: How are you? I thought you didn’t
like Mabo?
I don’t respond.
He then realises that he’s unwanted, and
eventually walks away.
I look at Derek and roll my eyes.
Derek: You used to fuck that?
Me: Wow.
He shakes his head disapprovingly and I
grunt.
Me: Mxm.
After three mojitos, I’m beyond tipsy and
Derek is acting strong, but he’s also a bit
woozy.
As we stagger back to his loft, we almost
get mugged, but a security guard
intervenes and we
literally jog off.
As soon as we get to the loft, we pass out
on the couch...
INSERT 134
We’re now with Dr M, and Derek is
holding my hand.
Dr M: The miscarriage is done.
I sigh and close my eyes.
I don’t know how I feel. I’m relieved, but
sad at the same time. I’m relieved that I
won’t go
through the intense bleeding and pains,
but I’m sad that I’ve lost a child. I’m sad,
because this
was a traumatic experience. It’s going to
take a very long time for me to accept that
this
happened to me. 90% of me is still
indenial. I haven’t fully registered what
happened.
I begin sobbing and my mom stands and
wraps her arms around me. I cry for a
very long time
till I doze off.
***
When I wake up, I’m still in a private
room. I blink a couple of time and find
Derek sitting close
by.
Derek: Baby.
I yawn and sit up.
Derek: Dr M said you must take these
tablets for your headache.
Me: Okay.
He hands them to me, and gives me a
glass of water.
Me: Thank you.
I get up from the bed, and as I’m about to
put on my shoes, he pulls me till our
bodies are
pressed against each other. He wraps his
arms around me and our faces touch.
Derek: I’m sorry.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: I’m not going anywhere, okay?
I nod and wrap my arms around him. We
stand there for a long time, till the door
opens and my
mom walks in. He kisses my forehead and
lets go of me.
Mom: Sit down; I need to talk to you.
Me: Is everything okay?
She nods as Derek and I sit.
She looks at us sternly.
Mom: I am very proud of how you two
have handled yourselves. It may not make
sense to other
people, but you seem to know each other
very well.
I glance at Derek.
Mom: This is not going to be easy. You
still have a very long way to go, but I have
faith that
you’ll be fine.
Why is my mom saying all of this? Has she
been observing Derek and me for the last
two
months?
Mom: The last two months have been
challenging, and I’m grateful that Derek is
stubborn, and
never backs down when you push him
away, Ziyanda.
Derek chuckles and I roll my eyes.
Mom: That makes me feel good as a
mother. I’m glad that my one and only
daughter is in safe
hands.
Derek: Thank you.
She nods lightly.
Mom: Let’s go.
We stand and I put on my shoes. We walk
out and say goodbye to Dr. M. We make
our way to
the car and my mom asks Derek to drop
her off somewhere. Once we drop her off,
Derek drives
to his place.
I’ve been staying with my parents for the
past two months. Even though Derek and
I are working
on things, I still want space. I also
resigned from the school. Camille tried to
convince me
otherwise, but I had already made up my
mind. I just want to take a couple of
months off and
find myself again- and that means
meeting up with Melinda regularly. Once
I’m emotionally
stable, I’ll get a job somewhere different.
Surprisingly, Lwazi didn’t take it badly.
She has settled
in quite nicely and made good friends, so
I’m the least of her worries. Derek, on the
other hand,
also left the school. He’s been busy with
his school, and now that the property has
been bought,
he’s busy with renovations and all that
other shit. I’ve been helping him...
With regard to Busi and that situation,
Derek said he would deal with it once we
were fine... He
put everything on pause...
So yes, I’m unemployed; I’ve been living
with my parents, and meeting up with
Derek on the
weekends. I’ve also been meeting up with
Melinda.
Derek: Do you mind if I drive to Dean’s
place first?
Me: No.
I haven’t seen Dean in a long time. He’s
been calling and checking up on me, and
I’m glad that
he respects my space. I decided that I
don’t want Derek’s crew to know about
the pregnancy
and miscarriage. I’d rather they find out
when I’ve healed properly, that way their
sympathy
won’t really be triggering.
We get to Dean and Nolwazi’s new house,
and make our way to the lounge.
Thankfully, the megabytes are with their
grandparents, so I won’t be listening to
Simo’s loud
and traumatising cries.
Nolwazi: Zizi!
She walks to me and we share a hug.
Nolwazi: It’s been so long!
Me: I know...
Nolwazi: You’ve lost so much weight.
Me: Hate it.
She laughs.
Nolwazi: Unjani?
Me: I’m okay...
Derek seems to have disappeared.
Nolwazi: Are you sure?
I sigh.
Me: Well...
She looks at me intently.
Me: I was pregnant and I had a
miscarriage.
She looks at me in shock.
I thought Dean may have told her during
their pillow talk... So, Dean is also
trustworthy?
Nolwazi: What??
I tell her everything and she gasps.
Nolwazi: Oh, Ziyanda. I’m so sorry.
I sigh.
Me: Thanks.
Nolwazi: Shit. That’s really fucked up.
I nod and we sit.
Me: I need advice.
Nolwazi: Okay.
She looks at me intently.
Me: How do you suggest I deal with
Derek’s ex?
She sighs.
Me: You’ve been in a similar position,
where Kwanele’s mother hated you, and
did all these
crazy things to get rid of you... How did
you cope?
She sighs and bites her lower lip.
Nolwazi: I think your situation is
different, because your man is willing to
fight for you. Kwanele
didn’t even attempt to stop what
happened.
I nod.
Nolwazi: So, you’re at an advantage,
because Derek is on your side, and he has
made that
absolutely clear.
Me: But still...
She smiles.
Nolwazi: Busi has no power here. She
thinks she has power, but she doesn’t.
You also need to
show her how strong your unit is with
noNkanyezi. Don’t allow them to come in-
between you
two.
I sigh.
Nolwazi: Busi is a random ex that is very
dizzy. Don’t even allow such a non-factor
to ruin your
life. I know the likes of her.
I chuckle.
Nolwazi: Fight for your relationship. Don’t
blame Derek for any of this, because just
like you, he
also had no idea that he has a child with
Busi. Khwezi and the minion are using
this to get you
to run. Mother-in-laws are pathetic yazi...
She hisses.
Nolwazi: If I could go back in time, I
would gladly slap Thenjiwe a few times.
Me: Kwanele’s mother?
She nods.
Me: But, you handled yourself well.
She nods.
Nolwazi: My dignity is important, at the
end of the day. Don’t go around screaming
and trying to
prove your importance. You are
important, in fact, you’re very important
in Derek’s eyes, so why
try to prove your importance to anyone
else? Don’t allow them to control your
reactions. Stay
calm at all times, that will terrify them.
I nod thoughtfully.
She opens up her arms and we share a
hug.
Nolwazi: I know you can do this. I’ve seen
the feisty side of you.
Me: My feisty side is too extreme.
She laughs.
Me: It’s either I’m an emotionless robot,
or a crazy person.
We laugh.
Nolwazi: Call me anytime. I’ve been
through my fair share of relationship
drama.
Me: Thank you.
Just then, Derek and Dean walk to the
lounge.
Before I can even control myself, I’m
already rushing to Dean. I didn’t realise I
missed him this
much.
He opens his arms and I squeeze him.
Dean: Look what the wind blew in...
Me: Mxm.
Dean: You’ve been acting very fresh lately.
Me: Whatever.
Dean: Unjani?
Me: I’m okay.
He looks at me weirdly.
Me: I’ll gain my weight back!
Dean: Please do. Skinny is not for you.
Me: Argh.
He chuckles and hugs me again.
Dean: I missed you.
Me: Of course. Who wouldn’t?
Dean: Haike.
I smile.
Dean: Apparently you’re unemployed?
Me: Yes.
Dean: So, you’ve officially become a gold
digger?
Me: I guess.
I glance at Derek and he chuckles.
Nolwazi: I was about to dish up lunch.
Want to join us?
Derek looks at me questioningly.
Dean: Of course, they’re joining us. Look
at Ziyanda... Poor girl looks hungry.
Nolwazi: Langa!
He laughs as he wraps his arm around my
shoulders.
Dean: How I’ve missed The Great Ziyanda
of the Dlamini.
Me: Mxm.
We all walk to the kitchen...
INSERT 135
Derek: So, you’re not sleeping over?
Me: No.
He sulks.
Me: Derek, you and I are still roaming
around with an undefined relationship.
Derek: The fuck??
I chuckle.
Derek: You must be crazy.
Me: Just take me home, please.
He groans as he changes direction.
Nolwazi’s food was so delicious, that Dean
even packed a
skhaftin for me.
Me: I need to gain weight.
Derek: Don’t worry about that...
I look at him questioningly.
Derek: The happiness I will bring to your
life will bring back your curves.
Me: Wow! Egotistical much?
He laughs.
Derek: Give me 2 weeks. You’ll be back to
your usual self.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: Dean likes exaggerating. You don’t
look horrible.
Me: Can you imagine what my neighbours
are saying? I’m sure they’ve concluded
that iqhoks
has finished me.
Derek: Qhoks?
Me: The three sisters!
Derek: What??
Me: Chive!
Derek: HIV?
Me: Yes!
He bursts out in laughter and looks at me
in shock.
Derek: What the fuck?
I sigh in defeat.
Me: I’m sure they’ve spread so many
rumours about me. Futhi they’ve seen
your crew’s cars
driving in and out of our yard. I’m sure
bayasho nje ukuthi I’m a hoe and now my
hoe tendencies
have caught up with me.
He continues laughing.
Derek: That’s why I’d never survive in the
township. Too much shit going on.
Me: Mxm.
We eventually get to my parents’ house
and I say goodbye to him...
***
It’s now Wednesday and Derek insists on
meeting up with me. I’m waiting for him
to come fetch
me.
My dad and I ended up having a proper
conversation about the miscarriage, and
it’s safe to say
he’s deeply affected. He’s assured me that
he’ll be fine though, so I’ve been giving
him space.
I get in Derek’s car and he drives off.
Derek: I think it’s time I teach you how to
drive.
Me: I’m really not interested. I got my
Learner’s and I think that’s enough.
He shakes his head disapprovingly.
Me: Where are you taking me?
Derek: You’ll see.
We get to Botanical Garden and I chuckle
when I see the set up.
Me: Are picnics our thing now?
Derek: I think so.
Me: This is cute.
Derek: I know.
We sit and he pours us champagne.
Me: Thanks.
I take a sip and pull a face. I’m really not a
champagne person yazi. I drink it once in
a while...
Derek: So, it’s clear that I have to beg you
again to be my girlfriend.
Me: Beg?
Derek: Let’s just call a spade a spade: you
love being begged.
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: Uthanda ukuncengwa.
Me: Wow!
He looks at me blankly and I roll my eyes.
Derek: So, I’ll put in the work...
Me: It will take more than a lousy picnic.
Derek: Lousy? Ouch.
I giggle.
Me: I’m an expensive whore... I keep
saying this.
He chuckles.
Derek: I still feel bad for how messed up
your birthday weekend was. You did the
most for me
when it was my birthday, but I failed to do
the same when it was yours.
Me: I even forgot about that.
He sighs.
Derek: I’ve put you through a lot.
Me: I’ve also put you through the most.
He pulls me closer to him. I’m now
kneeling in-between his legs.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: Hmm.
We chuckle.
Derek: Please be my person again?
I look at him thoughtfully.
Derek: Pretty please?
Me: I’ll get back to you. Let me think
about it.
Derek: Ah yabona ke.
I laugh and he smiles.
Me: What?
Derek: It’s been a while since I’ve seen
you smile sincerely.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: I’m serious.
He plants a kiss on my nose and I back off.
Derek: Wow.
Me: I’m a single virgin. Stay away from
me, Devil!
I sit down again and take a samoosa.
Me: Melinda wants to meet you.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: What?
Derek: She wants to meet me?
I nod.
Me: She wants to do a few sessions with
us.
He sighs.
Me: You don’t have tDerek:
Tell me when...
I smile and nod.
Me: Okay.
Derek: As long as she doesn’t feed you
nonsense.
Me: Nonsense?
Derek: That you and I don’t belong
together.
I chuckle.
Me: She never tells me what to do. She
helps me makes sense of my life.
Derek: Hmm.
I throw an olive at him and he ducks.
Derek: You can’t be wasting food!
Me: Gosh, I’ll stuff my face, then.
We continue chatting...
About 3 hours later, we’re done and
making our way to his apartment. He
managed to convince
me to sleepover at his place.
As we approach his door, we see Khwezi
and Busi there.
He immediately takes my hand and holds
it.
I want to turn and run away, but the
notorious Petty seems to have risen.
Where has she been
all this time?
We get to the door.
Khwezi: Wow!
Busi is staring at me. I open the door and
walk in. Just as Khwezi is about to follow,
Derek
blocks her way.
Derek: Uyaphi?
Khwezi: Ye wena, Nkanyezi!
He looks at her blankly.
Me: Just let them in.
He turns and looks at me in disbelief. I
shrug and walk off.
As I’m in the bathroom, I hear Khwezi
scolding Derek.
I sit on the toilet seat for a while,
gathering my thoughts.
Eventually, I get up and make my way to
the lounge, where everyone is.
I find Busi sitting on my usual spot.
Khwezi: When are you going to see your
son, Derek?
Me: When it has been confirmed that the
child is his.
They all stare at me in shock.
Me: What will not happen is you thinking
it’s okay to waltz in here as you please. I
live here now,
so I have every right to ask you to leave.
Khwezi tries to say something.
Me: No, Khwezi, I’m tired of hearing your
voice. You seem to be so involved in other
people’s
business, that you forget that not all of us
are like Busi over here: weak and
spineless. I’ve taken
a lot of nonsense from you, Khwezi, and it
ends today. The next time you pitch here,
it’s either
you have the DNA results, or I call the
police and they’ll escort you out of here.
Khwezi: What?! Derek are yo-
Derek: Shut up.
She looks at him in shock.
Me: I’m tired of this back and forth. Get
the DNA done, so we can find a way
forward.
I look at Busi.
Me: I just fail to understand how you can
raise a child for over 2 years, while lying
about he’s
true identity. It doesn’t even make sense
to me, but that’s a story for another day.
Busi grunts.
Me: Now, if you don’t mind, please leave
my space and never come back.
I look at Derek and I see his hidden smile.
I then look at Khwezi, who is breathing
heavily.
Me: I’ve been very quiet... I’ve been
disrespected by you, and I’m tired. I still
respect you as an
adult, so I won’t stoop as low as you,
when it comes to getting my point across.
I then look at Busi.
Me: Get the tests done.
Busi: Derek, why would you allow her to
address me like this?
Derek: Busi, in the grand scheme of
things, who exactly are you?
There’s an awkward silence. Damn,
Derek.
Derek: You seem to overestimate your
value in my life.
Wait, did he just use my line? I should
copyright this shit.
Derek: I don’t give a shit about you. I’ve
set up an appointment with my doctor.
We’re doing this
DNA, and if the child is mine, I’ll do what I
have to...
He then stares at both of them.
Derek: And for both your sakes, that child
better be mine...
Khwezi: Are you threatening me?!
Derek: Get out.
Busi takes her bag and storms out.
Khwezi looks at me angrily and hisses.
Khwezi: You’ll get what’s coming to you.
Me: Hmkay.
Khwezi: You couldn’t even carry a child
for him; do you really think that you’ll
manage to keep
Derek to yourself forever?
Me: Well, if you could keep your husband
for this long, without giving him biological
children,
then surely there’s hope for me?
Yoh, I almost got killed.
Derek literally had to drag her out of the
place.
I sit down and sigh heavily.
Derek comes back after a while and sits
next to me.
Derek: Are you okay?
I nod.
Me: I need some wine.
He nods as he walks off and I sink on the
couch...
INSERT 136
Two weeks have passed and Derek and I
just came back from visiting Xolani. He
eventually
agreed to go to rehab, and he seems to be
doing fine.
Derek and I are now on our way to meet
with Melinda for our fourth session.
Derek seems to
like her very much.
Derek: I am looking forward to this
session. Melinda said-
Me: Melinda this, Melinda that. Yoh, ngaze
ngafa.
He chuckles.
Derek: Melinda said we’re going to focus
on transparency.
Me: Hmm.
He smiles as he focuses on the road.
Me: You’re not transparent though.
He sighs.
Derek: That might change.
Me: Hmm.
We eventually get there, and make our
way to Melinda’s “office.”
Melinda: Hello!
Derek: Hi, Melinda.
Derek smiles warmly and they shake
hands.
Me: Hey.
We share a hug.
Derek and I then sit and she also sits
opposite us.
Melinda: Today, I’d like you to tell each
other how you are, instead of telling me.
Derek chuckles and I try not to roll my
eyes.
He seems to admire Melinda. Everything
she says is pure gold to Derek.
Melinda: I’ll give you two minutes. So,
Ziyanda, you’ll tell Derek what it’s like to
be in your body
today. Derek, you will do the same.
We both nod and look at each other.
Derek: Would you like to start?
Me: Why don’t you start?
He chuckles and sighs.
Derek: What is it like being in my body
today?
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Derek: I think it’s calming... I’m in a
neutral mood.
I nod lightly.
Derek: And you?
Me: I’m also in a neutral mood today.
Derek: What a coincidence.
He chuckles.
Melinda: So, you’re both in a similar state
of mind today?
Derek and I nod.
Melinda: Today, I want us to focus on a
number of things, transparency being one
of them...
I look at Derek.
Melinda: Ziyanda?
She looks at me knowingly. She already
knows that I have something to say.
Me: I think Derek has double standards.
Melinda: How so?
Me: He expects me to be open and honest,
yet he isn’t.
Melinda: He’s not open and honest?
Me: He’s honest. However, he doesn’t let
me in.
Melinda: Let you in, how?
Me: He knows everything about me. I got
into this relationship thinking I’m the one
who is
closed off, but that is not the case. I don’t
know Derek to the core. I don’t know his
inner
dialogue: what scares him, what ticks him
off. He hasn’t exposed himself fully to me.
Melinda then looks at Derek.
Melinda: Is this true, Derek?
Derek glances at me before saying yes.
Melinda: Are you closed off?
Derek: Yes.
Melinda: Are you closed off with
everyone, or Ziyanda specifically?
Derek: It’s mostly everyone.
Melinda: Do you have someone in your
life that you’ve exposed yourself to?
Derek: Yes.
I look at him.
Me: Is it Dean?
Derek: Yes.
I hiss.
Melinda: Is there a problem?
Me: This is what I have told Derek... I will
not get back with him unless he’s willing
to open up. I
don’t think it’s fair that the transparency
is not expected on both sides.
Melinda: Derek?
Derek: It’s not that easy.
Melinda: Why do you find it difficult?
Derek: I’m not trusting.
Me: So, you don’t trust me?
Derek: It’s not that I don’t trust you...
Me: Then what’s the problem?
He sighs.
He seems defeated.
I always let it slide, but not this time. I
want Melinda to come for him. This is
unacceptable.
Melinda: I am going to tell you about the
Johari Window Model.
She draws a four-square grid.
Melinda: The Johari Window model is a
simple and useful tool for illustrating and
improving
self-awareness, communication, and
mutual understanding between
individuals within a group.
It’s usually used in businesses, but I’d like
to tell you about it, because we can also
apply it here.
She points at the grid.
Melinda: As you can see, there are four
blocks here. They all represent different
things. The top
left block represents the arena. Here, we
have all the things a person knows about
themselves,
and what is known by others as well. This
block is called the arena, because it is
open for all.
This is the information about the person -
behaviour, attitude, feelings, emotion,
knowledge,
experience, skills, views, etc - known by
the person ('the self') and known by the
group ('others').
She writes all of this on the top left block.
Melinda: Next, we have the blind spot, on
the top right block. What do you think it
is?
Derek: What’s known to others, but not
known to self?
Melinda: Yes. This includes things we
don’t know about ourselves, but are
known to other
people.
She looks at me.
Melinda: How do you think we can find
out what others know about us?
Me: Ask them.
She nods.
Melinda: This is where open and honest
communication is vital. The only way we
can find out
what others know about us is through
feedback, constructive feedback. Asking
others will help
you find out some things about yourself.
You might be doing things you don’t
know, so
communicating with others will enlighten
you on people’s perceptions of you.
Derek and I nod.
Melinda: Then we have the bottom left
block… Ziyanda, what do you think
happens here?
Me: Maybe, what I know about myself,
that others don’t know?
She nods.
Melinda: Spot on. This block is called the
facade. This is what is known to ourselves
but kept
hidden from, and therefore unknown, to
others. This hidden or avoided self
represents
information, feelings, etc, anything that a
person knows about him/herself, but
which is not
revealed or is kept hidden from others.
The hidden area could also include
sensitivities, fears,
hidden agendas, manipulative intentions,
secrets - anything that a person knows
but does not
reveal, for whatever reason.
We nod.
Melinda: Then lastly, we have the
unknown in the bottom right block. This
block contains
information, feelings, abilities, aptitudes,
experiences etc, that are unknown to the
person
him/herself and unknown to others in the
group. These unknown issues take a
variety of forms:
they can be feelings, behaviours,
attitudes, capabilities, aptitudes, which
can be quite close to
the surface, and which can be positive and
useful, or they can be deeper aspects of a
person's
personality, influencing his/her
behaviour to various degrees.
She writes down all of this.
Melinda: Now, it is very important to note
that we should all aim to have more
information on
the arena block. The “arena” block
represents openness. It means what we
know about
ourselves is also known to others. This
leaves little room for misunderstandings
about our
intentions.
She then stares at us and allows us to
process the information.
Melinda: Any questions?
I shake my head and we stare at Derek.
Derek: Does this mean I have a lot of shit
under the Facade block?
Melinda nods.
Me: You do. A lot of things are only known
by you, and I’m in the dark. I don’t know if
you’re
intentionally keeping me in the dark or
what.
Derek: It’s not intentional.
I sigh in defeat.
Melinda: Why are you so frustrated,
Ziyanda?
Me: Our relationship has the potential to
be great, but because there’s a lot of shit I
don’t know
about him, we’re at a standstill.
Melinda nods.
Melinda: It’s going to be a long process.
Me: And, until Derek is willing to put in
the work, him and I will remain stagnant.
Derek chuckles quietly.
Melinda: Are you giving him an
ultimatum?
I nod.
Melinda: So you two haven’t been
together since the miscarriage?
I nod.
Melinda: How do you feel about what
Ziyanda is saying?
Derek: I hear her…
Melinda nods expectantly.
Derek: I’ll try.
Melinda nods knowingly.
Melinda: It’s important for you to work at
your own pace, and not rush things. This
is a long
process.
She looks at me.
Melinda: The Patience Tool will come in
handy.
Me: I’ve been very patient.
Derek: But, you’re making it seem like the
patience is running out.
Me: Well…
Melinda: Your patience is running out?
I sigh.
Me: It’s also not easy being in a
relationship with a person who’s closed-
off. I don’t know him as
much I should.
Derek stands and excuses himself. He
walks out and I stare at Melinda.
Me: He’s angry.
Melinda: How do you know?
Me: I know.
She nods lightly.
Me: But, I think this is the push he needs. I
need him to feel uncomfortable. He must
be in touch
with his feelings. I don’t want to end up
feeling like I’m sleeping with a robot. I’m
a very
emotional person, and Derek is the
complete opposite. However, because
we’re in a
relationship, he needs to find a way to
broaden his “arena” in order for us to
build a deeper
connection.
Melinda nods.
Derek eventually comes back and Melinda
concludes the session.
I bet he doesn’t like Melinda now, huh?
Uzoba strength.
***
We’re now driving.
Derek: Are you hungry?
Me: Not really.
Derek: Well, I am..
He changes direction and drives to one of
his favourite restaurants.
We get there and get a table.
Me: So, are you going to be grumpy for the
rest of the day?
He groans.
Me: Melinda is just trying to help.
I imitate him.
Me: Melinda is great. Melinda is so
different and she-
Derek: Okay, I get it!
I stop and chuckle.
Me: It’s all part of the process. There
comes a time in your life when you have
to face the
demons you’ve spent most of your time
avoiding…
He scratches his chin and sighs.
Me: Part of the process...
Derek: And until I’ve faced these demons,
you and I will remain like this?
Me: Yep.
He hisses and I smile.
Me: If you want me, all of me, then you
must put in the work. I’m an expensive
whore…
He chuckles.
Just then, I hear murmurs.
Out of nowhere, people start singing
Happy Birthday.
I turn around.
Me: The fuck?
Dean, Nolwazi, Nomvuyo, Liwa, Zimkitha,
Niki and my parents are all here.
They walk to the table and finish up
singing.
Dean: Happy Belated Birthday, Dlamini.
I look at them in disbelief.
Nomvuyo: Let’s go to our table…
She pulls me and leads me to a huge
circular table that has been set up...
INSERT 137
Me: What’s happening?
I look at Derek and he smiles.
Nomvuyo: We know you don’t like
surprises, but we don’t really care.
Me: Wow.
We all sit.
Mom: I told them you’d go crazy.
I take a deep breath.
Derek touches me hand and brushes it. I
glance at him. He knows what’s going
through my
mind.
Me: You’re annoying.
Derek: Write Melinda a letter, I’m sure
you’ll feel better afterwards.
My jaw drops and he chuckles.
He leans closer to me and plants a kiss on
my cheek.
Derek: Ngeke ngizwe ngawe.
I push him away and he continues
chuckling.
I look at my dad.
Me: Did mom drag you here?
Dad: Believe it or not, I was looking
forward to this.
I frown.
Dad: It’s good to interact with this side of
the world once in a while.
I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: Thanks for bringing the
chicken.
Me: Chicken?
Mom: Vuvu seems to be obsessed with
your dad’s chicken. She asked for a
delivery.
Me: Gosh.
I listen to them make fun of me for a
while.
We’re served our first course and we
begin eating.
Zimkitha: You’ve been so MIA, Zi.
Liwa: And you look slimmer.
I try not to roll my eyes.
Derek: She’s been busy with work.
Niki, who’s sitting next to me, clears her
throat.
Niki: Do you mind reintroducing
yourselves? I forgot your names.
I chuckle.
I’m glad she’s changing this subject,
because what am I supposed to say to
these people? They
don’t know what I’ve been going
through...
Dean: You’re the one who should be
reintroducing yourself.
Niki: I’m certain you know who I am.
Dean chuckles.
Nolwazi: Yes, we do.
Mom: Ungazophaphela uNikiwe, wena
Langelihle.
Dean winks at Niki playfully.
Liwa: Well, this is my wife, Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo smiles.
Nomvuyo: I’m glad we’re finally meeting
you. We’ve heard a lot about you.
Niki: Hmm.
Nomvuyo: And I think it’s interesting that
you’re dating Kwanele.
I just want to go over to her and shut her
mouth.
Liwa clears his throat.
Liwa: Uhm, this is my mother, Zimkitha.
Zimkitha smiles sweetly.
Liwa: And, I’m Liwa.
Niki: Nice to finally meet you. I’ve also
heard a lot about you all.
Nomvuyo: So, how’s-
Liwa: How’s the food?
Dad: The food could use more spice...
Gossip Girl is doing the most right now,
and I don’t want her to be disliked by
Niki, but right now,
I think Niki wants to rearrange her pretty
face.
My dad goes on to innocently get rid of
the awkwardness.
The conversation is now flowing, and I’m
also feeling more at ease.
I’m quite shocked at how well Nolwazi
and Niki are getting along. They seem to
be enjoying
each other’s company.
***
Zimkitha: It’s now time for gifts!
She seems so excited.
Zimkitha: I didn’t get to give you my gift
the last time...
She stands and disappears.
A minute later, she comes back, and is
followed by one of the waiters, carrying
lots of boxes.
Zimkitha: We show up and show out!
She pulls me off my seat and I stand next
to her.
Zimkitha: This is from Gabi and Joe, who
couldn’t join us today.
I take the box and open it.
Me: How lovely...
Of course, Gabi would get me makeup.
Just what a girl needs. She even included a
set of
brushes.
Zimkitha then gives me another box.
Nomvuyo: That’s from me.
She winks at me and I smile.
Me: Perfumes?
Nomvuyo: A girl has to have at least 5
bottles of perfume. You can’t smell the
same every day.
Me: Wowzer.
She smiles.
Me: Thank you, lover.
Nomvuyo: You’re most certainly welcome,
baby.
I then take another box. I open it and
smile.
I glance at Derek, because I know it’s from
him.
Derek: 365 reasons why I love you.
Nolwazi: You wrote 365 notes by hand?
He nods.
Niki: That is so cute!
I chuckle.
Dean: These two do some really weird
shit.
Nolwazi: That is so romantic!
Zimkitha: And original!
Derek: I got the idea from The Great
Dlamini.
Me: Thanks, Ngidi.
Derek: You’re welcome. You still have a
lot of unused coupons, remember?
I laugh.
Me: We’ll get to that some other time...
Derek: I’ll be waiting...
I put his gift aside, as Zimkitha gives me
an envelope.
Mom: That’s from me and your dad.
Me: Hehe, it’s money, neh?
They laugh.
Me: You give me money every year.
Mom: Hai sisi we know how much you
love money.
Dad: And we never know what to get you.
Me: Well, I’m not complaining.
Dean: Expensive girl...
Me: Yep.
I continue opening the gifts.
I give all of them hugs.
Me: Thank you, people.
Zimkitha: I know you’ll enjoy using that
bag I got you.
Me: Certainly. I don’t doubt the quality.
Zimkitha: No knock-offs here.
We continue chatting and eating for a
couple of more hours.
By 5pm, we’re done.
My parents leave with Zimkitha, who
invited them to some fundraising event...
My poor parents.
Liwa: We’ve really missed you, Dlamini.
He wraps his arms around my shoulders
and looks down at me.
Liwa: Are you sure everything is okay?
Me: Yes, I promise.
He looks at me suspiciously before
nodding.
Nomvuyo: Your pregnancy isn’t showing,
instead you’re just losing weight.
Derek: Uhm we shoul-
Liwa: Wait, what? You’re pregnant?
I sigh in defeat, as Liwa exclaims
excitedly.
Derek walks away.
Niki: I need the bathroom, where is it?
Nolwazi: I also need it. I’ll show you
where it is...
Niki and Nolwazi disappear.
Liwa: You’re pregnant? Is that why you’ve
been MIA?
Dean looks at Nomvuyo angrily.
Dean: You can’t keep your mouth shut,
can you?
Nomvuyo: Excuse me?
Dean: Mxm.
Nomvuyo: Heyi, wena. Don’t even tr-
Me: I lost the baby.
Liwa and Nomvuyo both look at me as if
I’m speaking a foreign language.
Liwa lets go of me.
Me: I had a miscarriage, that’s why I’ve
been MIA.
Nomvuyo’s eyes water up.
Me: Please don’t. I’m really trying to move
on.
Liwa: I apologise for...
He sighs in defeat and scratches his head.
Me: It’s okay. I’m fine now.
Nomvuyo: I’m so sorry.
She steps closer to me and hugs me.
Nomvuyo: I’m sorry.
She lets go of me and wipes her tears. I’m
also a bit teary now.
Nomvuyo: Why didn’t you tell me? All this
time I’ve been referring to your
pregnancy kanti you
lost the baby? Ziyanda...
Me: I wasn’t ready.
She sighs heavily and nods.
I look at Liwa, who seems traumatised.
Me: I’m fine, guys, really.
Liwa: Did you at least get the support you
need?
Me: I guess...
Nomvuyo: Now, I feel like an idiot.
Dean: You shou-
Nomvuyo: Shut the fuck up, Dean. You’re
really starting to piss me off.
Dean: You’re the one who’s supposed to
shut the fuck up, with your big mouth.
Nomvuyo: DMe:
Guys, come on.
They stop.
Nomvuyo: Mxm.
Liwa: Dean, how the fuck was Nomvuyo
supposed to know? Stop being an
unreasonable piece
of shit.
Dean tries to say something, but Liwa
gives him a look.
Liwa: Don’t get me started.
Dean walks off.
Now, I’m confused. Why are they being so
dramatic? Surely, it’s not that deep?
Me: I’m fine now.
Nomvuyo: Did you see Melinda?
Me: I’ve been seeing her.
Liwa: That’s good.
He gives me a hug.
Liwa: I know there’s nothing much we can
say or do, but I hope you know we’re here
for you.
I nod and smile.
Me: Thank you.
Nomvuyo: Dean knew?
Me: He was there...
She hisses.
Liwa’s phone rings, and it’s Zimkitha.
Liwa: Mama... Yes, we’re still here... Oh, I
didn’t see it... You’re coming back to get
it?... Alright,
then...Bye...
He hangs up.
Liwa: She forgot her coat.
Nomvuyo: There it is... She really is
getting old...
They both chuckle.
Just then, Nolwazi and Niki come back.
Where’s Derek?
Nolwazi: Where’s Langa?
Nomvuyo: Probably changing his tampon.
Nolwazi is left speechless.
Dean walks in with Derek.
Dean: Ready to leave, Lwazi?
Nolwazi: Yes.
She looks at me and smiles.
Nolwazi: See you soon?
Me: Yes.
We share a hug.
Nolwazi: Bye, everyone.
She hugs Liwa and decides to leave
Nomvuyo alone.
Looking at Nomvuyo, I think I’m also
going to be just like her when I grow up: a
petty and
sensitive bitch. Gosh, I need to change my
ways. I can’t be this person.
Suddenly, someone clears their throat.
We all turn around, and lo and behold,
Kwanele is standing here, looking at us.
I think there is silence for a good 30
seconds.
Kwanele: Hi.
Another 30 seconds of silence.
I clear my throat.
Me: Hey.
Nolwazi: Hello, Kwanele.
Awks.
I look at Niki, and the hoe looks as cool as
a cucumber.
Niki: I should get going. Goodbye,
everyone. It was lovely meeting you.
She walks to me, gives me a squeeze, and
then walks to her man.
Dean, Lord, Dean... I don’t even want to
look at him, because I know he has beef
with this man.
Liwa: Nice to meet you too, Niki... Good
seeing you Kwanele.
Kwanele frowns.
Something weird is going on and angazi
yini... Something don’t feel right.
Nolwazi: Uhm, we should also get going...
Just then, Zimkitha walks in.
Zimkitha: I forgot my coat...
We all stare at her.
Zimkitha assesses the scene.
She glances at Kwanele and Niki.
Liwa: Mama, here’s your coat.
She takes it from him.
Zimkitha: See you around.
Me: Where are my parents?
Zimkitha: In the car.
I nod and she walks out.
Niki: Bye, everyone.
Ku-tense nje.
Nolwazi: Bye, Niki.
Liwa: Bye.
Nomvuyo: Bye, dear.
Niki: Bye bye Dean.
She looks at him sweetly.
Dean: Bye.
Niki then looks at Kwanele and smiles.
Niki: Asambe.
Kwanele nods and they walk off...
The tension is as thick as my thighs from
a couple of months ago.
Liwa chuckles quietly and looks at
Nomvuyo.
Liwa: Ready to go?
Nomvuyo: Yes.
She gets her things and hugs me.
Nomvuyo: I’ll call you.
Me: Okay.
Nomvuyo: Bye.
She walks off with Liwa, hand in hand.
Nolwazi: The things we tolerate...
I look at her in disbelief.
Dean: I’m getting tired of blabbermouth.
Nolwazi: The day I snap...
Hai hai, this can’t be happening. Why are
these people being so dramatic and
unnecessary?
Nolwazi then looks at me and smiles.
Nolwazi: I hope you enjoyed your day.
Me: I did, thank you.
We share a hug.
I look at Dean, and as much as I try, I end
up laughing.
Me: I didn’t know you could be this shook
in life... Kwanele makes you sweat?
Dean: Don’t fuck with me.
Nolwazi and I chuckle.
Me: Wowzer.
Dean: Mxm, asambe, Nolwazi.
He walks off and Nolwazi follows him.
Now, it’s just Derek and I...
I look at him softly.
Me: Don’t be grumpy.
I step closer to him and give him a hug.
Derek: I’m horny and frustrated.
Me: Shame.
I try to let go of him, but he holds me
tighter.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Derek-
Derek: Stop giving me terms and
conditions. I want to spend the rest of my
life with you.
Me: I know you do.
Derek: Then stop pushing me away.
Me: Let’s just leave...
Derek: Are you spending the night at our
place?
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Good. You obviously need to be
reminded...
Me: Reminded of what?
Derek: You’ll see...
I push him away, as I feel my insides
churn.
We get my gifts and make our way to the
car.
INSERT 138 (Short Insert)
I’m trying my best to keep myself intact,
but Derek fucken Ngidi is pounding me so
intensely,
that I feel like I’m being introduced to
another galaxy. With every pound, the
stubbornness
trickles away, and he gains more control
of my soul, my whole entire soul.
As soon as I reach my climax, I’m a
shaking mess.
I lose touch with reality and see stars all
around. I’m convinced I’m insane.
After some time, he turns me around and
grins.
Derek: You okay?
I grunt and he chuckles.
I eventually doze off, but I’m awakened by
his erection...
Heyi, out of nowhere, I’m being flipped
like a pancake, and my ass is floating high.
A girl can’t even get any sleep. I feel like
I’m being rearranged, and I don’t even
have the chance
to catch my breath.
***
I wake up and my joints pulse.
I check the time and it’s around 8am.
As I’m about to get out of bed, Derek pulls
me.
Me: Yoh, Derek, I get it, you’re great...
He laughs and lets go of me. I go to the
bathroom and pee.
I just feel like I’m having an out of body
experience. It’s very clear that I haven’t
had sex in a very
long time. I sit there for a while, re-
evaluating my life.
I eventually walk out and stare at him as
he’s lying there, naked.
He pats the empty space next to him and I
walk to the bed. I get in and he pulls me.
Derek: Morning, baby.
Me: Morning.
He plants a kiss on my nose and I groan.
Derek: Missed you.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: Stop being stubborn... Didn’t I fuck
you enough?
I squeal and try to move away from him,
but he holds me tighter, and laughs.
Derek: Stop trying to convince yourself
that you don’t want to be with me.
Me: Mxm.
He chuckles and kisses me.
Me: Thank you for yesterday.
He nods.
Derek: Anything for you.
Me: Hmm. What was up with Dean and
Nomvuyo?
He shrugs.
Derek: Nomvuyo was shocked, and Dean
was trying to protect you.
Me: Protect me from what though?
Derek: He didn’t want the focus to be on
what happened.
Me: Nomvuyo didn’t know about the
miscarriage. Dean was being dramatic.
Derek: I’ve never seen Dean like this.
You’ve unleashed the drama queen in
him.
I giggle.
Me: As for Nolwazi and Vuvu.
Derek: I can’t wait for that to unfold.
There’s always been a vibe between them.
Me: Who do you think will win the fight?
Derek: Hmm...
Me: I think Nolwazi is a silent killer.
Derek: Ya, I think she could win.
Me: But, I know Vuvu will not be played.
The bitch is crazy.
We laugh.
Derek: Vuvu is unmatched.
Me: I can’t wait. It will be very
entertaining.
Derek: I’m sure once the fight is over, the
tension will vanish.
Me: I’m going to have to jump in when the
fight takes place.
Derek: Whose side are you on?
Me: Vuvu’s my girl.
He laughs.
Derek: Hmm...
He pulls me and locks me in his embrace.
Derek: Now let’s discuss this fight
between you and me.
Me: Nigga, I am not fighting you.
Awungiyeke.
Derek: Then make love to me.
I groan and he repositions...
***
It’s now around 12pm, and Nomvuyo
insisted on seeing me.
Derek really rearranged my entire
existence. I’m having an existential crisis
right now, all
because of sex.
Nomvuyo eventually arrives, and I’m very
happy to see her pretty face.
She walks in and I glance at her round
belly.
Me: This baby is making you more
beautiful.
Nomvuyo: You don’t say...
She looks at me sadly, before she sits
comfortably.
Me: Go on, I’m listening.
Nomvuyo: I can’t believe you went
through all of that shit by yourself! Why?
Why would you do
that to yourself, Ziyanda?
I listen to her give it to me... Once she’s
done, she starts sobbing.
I get closer to her and hold her.
Nomvuyo: I’m so sorry you had to go
through such a traumatising experience.
I continue comforting her until she calms
down.
Nomvuyo: I feel guilty for being pregnant.
Me: Don’t. I’m really fine, Vuvu... The
physical aspect of the miscarriage was
what traumatised
me more than anything.
She nods.
Me: But, I dealt with it. I’m fine now.
Nomvuyo: You’re not lying to me?
I shake my head and smile.
Me: I’m fine, I promise.
She nods and we share a hug.
Nomvuyo: I apologise for yesterday.
Me: It’s okay, you didn’t know.
Just then, Derek clears his throat.
We turn, and he is standing there, with
Dean next to him.
Lord, I don’t need more drama.
Dean: What are you doing here,
blabbermouth?
Nomvuyo stands, and before we all know
it, a vase is thrown at Dean. He quickly
ducks and we
all stare at Nomvuyo in shock.
Nomvuyo: Don’t fuck with me.
She takes a glass and throws it at Dean,
who ducks once again.
Me: Vuvu!
I take her hands and she pushes me off.
She walks to Dean and points at him.
Nomvuyo: Don’t ever fuck with me.
Dean: Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Don’t fuck with me, Dean!
Dean: You’re fucken crazy.
Nomvuyo: You don’t know the half of it.
I watch as she stands very close to Dean.
I can’t help but chuckle, because her
round belly is the only thing blocking her
from being in
Dean’s face.
They stand there for a long time, and
eventually start laughing.
Derek and I look at them weirdly.
They hug each other.
What’s happening?
The Universe is just doing the most...
Dean: You talk too much.
Nomvuyo: And you have too much
estrogen in your system.
I walk to them.
Me: You people are really strange.
Nomvuyo smiles at Dean.
Nomvuyo: He has a problem with my
mouth, and I have a problem with him
thinking he shits
cupcakes.
Dean: Whatever.
Nomvuyo: But, since I can’t convince my
husband to cut him off permanently, I just
have to
learn to tolerate him.
Dean: The same way Nolwazi tolerates
you?
Nomvuyo: If only I gave an actual shit...
Me: Yoh.
Nomvuyo: I’ll call Kwanele, and your
arrogant ass will be humbled
immediately. Don’t come for
me.
Nomvuyo then looks at me.
Nomvuyo: I’ll see you later, baby.
Me: Shap.
Nomvuyo: Bye, Ngidi.
Derek: Bye, Vuvz.
She hugs us and leaves.
Me: Don’t ever come for Vuvu!
Dean: Mxm.
We go to the couch and sit while I laugh at
him.
Derek: So, I’m supposed to clean this shit?
Me: My joints are achy...
Dean: No wonder you’re so calm... You got
fucked?
Me: Euww...
They both laugh.
Me: So, when is the fight taking place?
Dean: What fight?
Me: Between Lwazi and Vuvu.
Dean: What??
He laughs.
Me: When’s the Royal Rumble?
He continues laughing.
Me: Who are you betting on?
Dean: You don’t know Nolwazi...
Me: Hmm...
He chuckles.
Dean: But, Vuvu’s craziness is on another
level, so it’s a tough one.
Me: We shall see...
We continue chatting...
INSERT 139
I’ve been unemployed for exactly 3
months now, and I must say, I’m still
happy about my
decision. I’m not yet ready to be around
people. I’ve also been helping Derek with
his school,
which he wants to open the following
year.
It’s been a week since my “surprise”
birthday lunch, and Derek managed to
convince me not to
go back home...
He’s busy working on the school’s
operations plan, when we hear a knock on
the door.
We look at each other and frown.
Me: How odd.
I stand and open the door.
I stare at Busi.
Busi: Hello.
Me: Hi.
Busi: The security guard let me in.
I decide not to question her.
Busi: I have the DNA results.
Derek: Baby, who is it?
I step aside, and Busi walks in. I close the
door and lead her to the lounge.
Derek looks up from his laptop. His face
immediately tightens when he sees her.
Derek: Busisiwe, how did you get in here?
Busi looks at him nervously.
Busi: The security guard recognised me,
and let me in.
Wow, I’ll have a chat with that
unprofessional security guard. So yena he
just lets people in
because he recognises them? Nxa.
Derek: Ufunani?
Busi: I have the results.
Derek: And how do I know they’re legit?
She sighs.
Busi: Derek, you know me...
He stares at her for a very long time.
Derek: Sit.
She walks to the couch, and decides to sit
next to him.
As I’m about to make my way to the
bedroom, he says my name.
Derek: Please sit.
He looks at me softly and pleadingly. I nod
and sit.
Derek: Firstly, I would like you to explain
this whole situation. Why did you lie
about your
pregnancy? Did you know from the get go
that you were carrying my child?
Busi sighs.
Busi: Yes, I knew.
Derek: You were having an affair with
Thami.
She sighs again.
Busi: I regret doing that, Derek. That was
the biggest mistake of my life. I’m sorry
for breaking
us up.
I roll my eyes as she wipes her crocodile
tears.
Busi: I was so selfish and childish. I was
fascinated by a man who abused me.
Derek: Abused you?
Busi: Thami was an abusive person. He
abused me physically and emotionally. He
managed to
convince me that I wouldn’t be able to live
without him, even when he got married. I
was
brainwashed.
Somebody call the nywembulance.
Derek seems to be taken aback. His sweet
self seems to be taken by this story.
Busi stands.
Busi: Can I use the bathroom?
Derek: Su-
Me: It’s blocked.
They both look at me in confusion.
Me: I’ll get you tissue.
I stand and walk to the bedroom. I get a
box of tissues and give it to her.
Derek is beyond confused.
There is no way Busi is going to go to that
bathroom by herself. Next thing, she takes
my
underwear, and in three days, I’m
paralysed and seeing short men
surrounding the bed in the
middle of the night. Not happening. I’m
not that stupid.
I watch as she wipes her tears.
I get her a bottle of water and give it to
her.
Busi: Thanks.
We give her a few minutes to sort herself
out.
Derek: Give me the results.
She takes out the envelope from her bag
and gives it to him. Derek’s rudeness
seems to be
deeper when he’s around Busi...
It’s still sealed.
He opens it and reads the paper.
I don’t even have to read it to know what
it says.
That child is Derek’s.
I ignore the piercing pain that’s trying to
take over my heart.
I think Derek sees this, because he stands
and sits next to me.
Derek: Baby.
I take a deep breath and look at Busi.
Me: How old is he?
Busi: He’s turning 3 in two months,
ngoAugust.
Me: Derek, have you seen him?
Derek shakes his head.
She takes out her phone and scrolls
through it.
She then gives the phone to Derek and he
looks at it.
When I take a glance, I’m beyond shocked.
This child looks exactly like Derek.
I want to stand and just go, but my body is
failing me.
Derek gives back her phone and she looks
at me.
Busi: Can I have a word with him
privately?
Derek: No, she-
Me: Okay.
I take my phone and walk towards the
door.
Derek quickly stands and follows me.
Derek: Zi.
Me: I just need some fresh air.
He tries to say something, but I shake my
head.
Me: Go talk to her, I’m fine.
I walk out the door and immediately
request an Uber.
I get in and it drives off...
***
Me: I’d like to see Dean, please...
Dean’s PA looks at me weirdly.
Her: Who are you?
Me: A friend.
Her: You have to have an appointment.
She ignores me and continues typing.
I take my phone and dial Dean’s number.
It rings for a while, but he eventually
answers.
Dean: Dlamini.
Me: Hey.
Dean: What’s up?
Me: Uhm, I’m here, and I don’t have an
appointment to see you.
Dean: Excuse me?
Me: Please come get me.
Dean: Uhm, okay...
I hang up.
Within a few minutes, Dean is here.
He looks at me in confusion.
Dean: Dlamini?
His assistant tries to explain that I don’t
have an appointment, but he dismisses
her. He leads
me to his office, and as soon as he closes
the door, I burst out in tears.
Dean: Ziyanda? What the fuck is going on?
He steps closer to me and wraps his arms
around me.
Me: Derek has a son...
I feel his body harden, but he continues
holding me.
After a long time, I finally calm down.
He leads me to the long couch and makes
me sit. He grabs a bottle of water and
gives it to me.
Dean: What happened?
I tell him and he sighs.
Dean: Let’s call him and let him know
you’re fine, because I know he’s freaking
out.
He takes his phone and dials Derek’s
number.
Dean: Ngidi... I’m with her, she came to
my office... Yes... Okay... Bye...
He hangs up and then looks at me.
Dean: So, that child is Derek’s?
I nod.
He groans and scratches his chin
thoughtfully.
Dean: I don’t know what to say.
Me: There’s nothing to say. He has a son.
Dean: And are you guys sure about this?
Me: He’s literally Derek’s replica.
Dean: She came with him?
Me: We saw a picture.
He nods slowly and sighs.
Dean: So, what are you going to do?
Me: What do you mean?
Dean: He thinks you’re not coming back.
Me: It’s triggering.
He nods.
Dean: You can’t separate again.
I keep quiet.
Dean: Work it out.
Me: If you had another child somewhere,
you’d expect Nolwazi to stay?
He tightens his jaw.
Dean: If it’s not my fault, then yes, I would
expect her to stay.
I sigh.
Dean: Derek is also being thrown in the
deep end. He didn’t put himself in this
situation. You
should constantly remind yourself of this
fact, before you go running.
Me: It doesn’t make it any easier.
Dean: Just work it out. You two are meant
to be together.
Me: This relationship is too challenging.
Dean: No one ever said this shit is easy.
Loving someone and accepting their flaws
unconditionally is a challenging task.
These experiences will either bring you
two closer, or
separate you. I certainly don’t want you to
go your separate ways, because we’ve
seen how bad
it is for you two. Therefore, you both need
to find a way to move on while still
preserving your
relationship.
I drink some water and we sit in silence.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. It
opens and Derek walks in, looking
stressed.
He sits between Dean and me.
Me: I’m not walking away, I just needed
fresh air.
He sighs heavily and glances at Dean, who
smiles lightly.
Dean: I hear you’re a father...
Derek grunts.
Dean: Fucked up, this life thing...
He stands and goes to his desk.
Dean: I’m giving you 10 minutes to talk
about this, and then I’m going to kick you
out... I have an
important meeting soon...
He sits and focuses on his work...
INSERT 140
It’s been a month since the DNA results.
I’m still very much affected, but I keep
reminding myself that this is it, and
there’s nothing I can
do to change it. More than anything, I feel
like God and the Universe are really
testing me this
year. I’ve faced a lot of shit, and I’m
honestly just trying to survive at the
point.
I’ve been locked up in my parents’ house,
reading The Four Agreements over and
over again. I
keep reminding myself to not take any of
this personally, because it really isn’t
about me. None
of this is my fault.
As I’m busy reading in the lounge, I hear a
knock on the door. I tell the person to
come in.
I’m beyond shocked when I see Zimkitha
walking in.
Zimkitha: Hello, baby.
She gives me a kiss and sits.
Zimkitha: Where are your parents?
Me: My mom is at work, and my dad went
to stock more chickens.
She nods and smiles sweetly.
Zimkitha: How are you?
She looks at me intensely, as if she knows
everything I’m going through.
Me: I’m surviving.
She sighs.
Zimkitha: You’re a very strong young
woman. I don’t think another person
would be able to walk
in your shoes.
Me: I’m tired of being strong.
She nods understandingly.
Zimkitha: I was in an arranged marriage...
I look at her in disbelief.
Zimkitha: According to my mother, I was
a commodity, and I was used to get what
the family
wanted... I was never allowed to make
choices that made me happy.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: But, that didn’t stop me from
doing things that made me happy.
She chuckles.
Zimkitha: I won’t lie; I broke many hearts
in my time...
I gasp and she laughs.
Zimkitha: I didn’t have a loving home, so I
seeked love elsewhere, and my heart got
its fair share
of pain.
Me: You had an affair?
Zimkitha: I had multiple affairs... I was
quite rebellious. I resented my parents for
treating me
like a product.
Me: Konje Liwa has a twin?
She nods and chuckles.
Zimkitha: My Princess. She is a
firecracker.
I’ve heard a lot about how this Princess
mistreated Nomvuyo, so I don’t like her
already.
Zimkitha: She and Nomvuyo don’t get
along. She was always threatened by how
close Vuvu
was with Liwa.
Me: Where is she now?
Zimkitha: She lives in London.
Me: Is your ex-husband their father?
She laughs and shakes her head.
Zimkitha: I have a complicated life.
Me: Do they know?
Zimkitha: Liwa knows everything about
me. He’s the only person I truly trust in
this world. My
son has never judged me.
Me: And Princess?
Zimkitha: She chooses to separate herself,
and I understand.
Me: So, who’s Liwa and Princess’s father?
Zimkitha: He’s definitely out there...
Me: Out there?
Zimkitha: My kids have no interest in him,
and so I respect their wish.
Me: What about you?
Zimkitha: What about me?
Me: Do you also have no interest in him?
She sighs.
Zimkitha: No.
Me: Have you ever been in love?
Zimkitha: I don’t think so. I don’t know
what love is because I’ve never witnessed
it. My parents
weren’t in love, they tolerated each other.
I definitely didn’t love Luvuyo, because I
was forced to
marry him... Bheki, on the other hand-
She stops herself and I look at her in
confusion. I get the feeling that she wasn’t
supposed to
say his name. Well, it’s not like I’m going
to do anything about it, so she must
continue spilling
the tea. I’m just genuinely interested in
Zimkitha’s life. I feel like she has a lot
under the
“facade” block, and the day that shit
comes to light in the “arena” kuzoba yi-
lituation.
Me: Do you think you were in love with
him?
She looks at me thoughtfully.
Zimkitha: He loved me. He still worships
the ground I walk on... In fact, all the men
I come
across worship me.
She laughs to herself.
Me: What about you?
She shakes her head.
Zimkitha: I don’t have the capability to
love a man. I’ve had some horrible and
traumatic
experiences because of them. The only
reason I was attracted to them was to
satisfy my
physical needs, that’s all.
Wowzer.
I look at her in shock and she smiles
sweetly, her signature smile. This woman
amazes me.
Zimkitha: I’ve kept my heart safe from
these men.
Me: That’s smart of you.
Zimkitha: Please pour me a glass of
water? I’m dying of thirst.
Me: Okay.
I walk to the kitchen.
I come back and give her the glass of
water.
Me: So, you don’t want to be in a
relationship?
Zimkitha: I’m 58 years, baby.
Me: And that’s young!
She giggles.
Zimkitha: I’m playing the field, but
nothing serious. People like me aren’t
meant to settle down.
Me: Don’t say that. We all deserve being
loved wholeheartedly.
Zimkitha: And that’s why you and Derek
need to hold on to each other.
She’s sleek, changing the subject quickly.
Me: I’m just drained. This year has been
draining.
Zimkitha: I’ve had multiple miscarriages
in my life... I can confidently say that
there’s nothing as
emotionally and physically traumatising
as that experience, and I’ve been sexually
assaulted
quite a few times...
She looks at me softly.
Zimkitha: It’s unexplainable.
I nod.
Zimkitha: My heart broke when Derek
told me.
Me: He told you?
She nods.
Zimkitha: I was worried when he stopped
talking about you.
I sigh.
Me: And then there’s this Busi situation.
Zimkitha: Can I tell you the honest truth?
I look at her.
Zimkitha: Busi will never be a threat to
your relationship. Derek doesn’t love that
girl. Yes, she
has his child, but that will never make
Derek want her over you.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: I assure you, she will never
bother you... Not when I’m still around.
Me: You know her?
She nods.
Zimkitha: I know her, and I know her
type: pathetic women who think they can
use children to
trap men.
I don’t say anything.
Zimkitha: Focus on yourself and Derek.
Focus on healing fully from your
miscarriage. Don’t
even allow yourself to waste your
emotions on Busi. I assure you, she is not
a threat. Derek is
yours. His heart is yours, I assure you.
Me: I just feel bad, because I lost his child.
Zimkitha: Well, life happens... Are you
going to dwell on this forever? Free
yourself. You deserve
to bask in his love and adoration.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: You are the apple of his eye.
That man loves you. I have no doubt that
he will never
stop fighting for you. Busi is a mere
distraction.
I sigh.
Zimkitha: And now that this child is going
to be a part of our lives, we all need to
open up our
hearts and accept him. The poor child was
a pawn in Busi’s game, and he is innocent.
He can’t
suffer for his mother’s sins.
She finishes her water.
Zimkitha: If you refuse to open up your
heart, Derek will never be a great father
to this boy. I’m
convinced he prioritises you over
anything. That little boy doesn’t deserve
to be rejected, he’s
faultless.
We’re silent for a while.
Zimkitha: Relationships aren’t perfect.
However, we should also distinguish
between genuinely
horrible and unsolvable problems, and
problems that can be solved. The solving
process may
not be easy, but it’s possible.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: You’re a strong girl, sthandwa
sami. You may feel defeated now, but I
have no doubt
in my mind that you love Derek enough to
work on this.
Me: I do love him.
She nods.
Me: Thank you.
Zimkitha: You’re my daughter now.
I smile.
Me: I’m surprised Khwezi hasn’t pitched
to do the most.
Zimkitha: Like I said, they are mere
distractions, weak distractions. Brush
them off.
I chuckle.
Zimkitha: Khwezi won’t be a problem
anymore.
Me: Did you talk to her?
She nods.
Zimkitha: She’s a bored housewife. I told
her to find a stable hobby.
I gasp.
Me: Didn’t she want to beat you up?
She laughs.
Zimkitha: She wouldn’t dare...
Me: Did Derek tell you about the email he
got from some woman claiming to know
his real
parents?
Zimkitha: Excuse me?
Me: There was some woman claiming to
know who his parents are.
Zimkitha: Hmm, he didn’t tell me.
Me: I would have liked him to enquire
about the issue.
Zimkitha: Interesting...
She sighs.
Zimkitha: I’ll ask him about it.
I nod.
Zimkitha: Alright then, let me get going. I
came to check up on you.
Me: Thank you, I appreciate it.
We both stand and share a hug.
Zimkitha: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Zimkitha: Walk me out.
Me: Alrighty.
We walk out.
Me: So, what’s up with Nomvuyo and
Nolwazi?
She chuckles.
Zimkitha: Nomvuyo doesn’t like Nolwazi.
Me: We’ve already established that.
Zimkitha: And you know what, I’ve
accepted that we won’t love everyone we
meet...
I chuckle.
Me: I think they should fight.
Zimkitha: Oh, no... Nolwazi is too much of
a suburban snob, and Nomvuyo is too
street smart...
That fight won’t end well.
We both laugh.
Me: Nolwazi is a silent killer.
Zimkitha: With words, I know she’d
demolish Vuvu. She also has a lethal
tongue like you, but if
we’re talking a physical fight, then that’s a
different story... Nomvuyo has too much
aggression
in her body. I’d hate to be on the receiving
end of her blows.
We continue laughing till we get to her
car and say goodbye.
I watch her drive off and walk back inside
the house.
I feel lighter now.
INSERT 141 (Short Insert)
The following day, I tell Derek that I
would like to meet up with him.
Derek: Is everything okay?
Me: Yes.
Derek: Should I fetch you?
Me: No, I’ll be fine.
Derek: I’m already in my loft.
Me: Alright.
Derek: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and get ready immediately.
When I’m done, I tell my parents that I’m
heading out. I get a taxi and make my way
to
Maboneng. I’m there within 45 minutes...
When I walk in the loft, I find him busy on
his laptop.
Me: Hello.
He looks up and smiles.
Derek: Hey.
He stands and we share a hug.
Me: How are you?
Derek: I’m okay, and you?
Me: I’m okay.
We sit and he closes his laptop.
Me: Zimkitha came to my house
yesterday.
Derek: She told me.
Me: Of course she did.
He chuckles.
Me: I mentioned the email from Vicky.
Derek: I told her not to entertain it.
Me: You don’t want to find out?
He shakes his head.
Derek: I’m dealing with a lot right now.
That’s the least of my worries.
I nod.
He stares at me and I shift uncomfortably.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yes.
Derek: Why did you want to meet?
Me: I miss you.
He raises an eyebrow and I sigh.
Me: I haven’t seen you in two weeks.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: How’s the school’s operations plan
coming along?
Derek: I’m almost done. Do you mind
editing it once I’m done?
Me: I don’t mind.
He smiles.
Derek: You’re looking good.
Me: Really? I’m gaining back the weight.
He chuckles.
Derek: Yes, you are.
Me: Thank God.
Derek: How’s Lwazi?
Me: She’s great, as usual.
He nods.
Me: She sends her greetings, and says you
must call her, so she can update you on
their new
principal.
He laughs.
Derek: I’ll call her later today when she
returns from school.
Me: Apparently the new principal is very
unapproachable, and they all dislike her.
Derek: Camille told me the same thing...
Me: I’m sure they miss you.
Derek: Who wouldn’t miss me? This is me
we’re talking about...
I roll my eyes.
Me: You and your random egotistical
moments.
He chuckles and then looks at me
seriously.
He’s silent for a few seconds.
Me: What?
Derek: I miss you.
Me: Me too.
We sit in silence for a while.
Me: I’d like some wine.
Derek: Sure.
We both stand and make our way to the
kitchen, where he pours me a glass.
Me: Thank you.
He nods.
Me: I haven’t had alcohol in a while.
I take a sip and sigh.
Me: So...
He stares at me.
Me: I had a whole speech planned, but
now I’ve forgotten everything.
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: Don’t look at me like that...
Derek: Sorry.
I gulp down my wine and look at him.
Me: This time away from you has made
me realise a few things...
I look at him seriously.
Me: I keep trying to convince myself that
we’re not meant to be together.
His face changes, he looks at me
nervously.
Me: But, my heart constantly yearns for
you. I don’t want to be with anyone else,
but you.
His face softens and I see a hidden smile.
Me: I’ve never felt like this about any man.
I love you.
He smiles.
Me: And I’m willing to stay and work
through the craziness. I think you’re
worth all the pain and
heartache. I love you enough to have the
strength and patience to endure the
bullshit.
I sigh.
Me: As Beyonce says: I had my ups and
downs, but I always find the inner
strength to pull
myself up. Nothing real can be threatened.
True love brought salvation back into me.
With every
tear, came redemption and my torturers
became my remedy...
I smile.
Me: So we’re gonna heal. We’re gonna
start again. You’ve brought the orchestra,
synchronised
swimmers. You’re the magician. Pull me
back together the way you cut me in half.
Make the
woman in doubt disappear. Pull the
sorrow from between my legs like silk...
At this point, he’s smiling like a lunatic.
Me: Now I’m in the mood to watch
Lemonade. We should watch it tonight.
He steps closer to me and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: I don’t know what to say.
Me: You can kiss me?
He chuckles as his face touches mine and
we share a long tender kiss. That,
“Welcome back
home, you’ve been missed,” kiss.
Derek: Thank you.
Me: I can’t continue denying that what we
have is special. God knows I’ve tried, but I
can’t let go
of you. You’re my Star.
He kisses me again and squeezes me.
Derek: You’ve left me speechless.
I giggle.
Me: Good. Now, I’d like something to eat.
I’m starving.
Derek: In the mood to go out?
Me: No. I want your food.
He nods as he kisses me once again...
***
The following day, Derek tells me that he
has to go back to his apartment in
Randburg, because
his son is coming for a visit.
Me: How is he?
He smiles.
Derek: He’s cute.
Me: Really? What’s his name?
Derek: Mpumelelo.
Me: So, what’s going to happen now?
Derek: I’m just getting to know him... I’ve
been seeing him almost every day.
I nod.
We drive to his place.
I don’t know how I feel about this, but I’d
like to meet him. I may as well face our
new reality, as
daunting as it is.
When I come back from the bathroom, I
hear Zimkitha’s voice and a little one’s
voice as well.
When I get to the lounge, I find Zimkitha
picking the boy up and placing him on her
lap.
Busi is sitting there, watching with a smile
on her face.
I clear my throat and they all turn to look
at me.
Zimkitha: Zi!
She smiles widely and I smile lightly.
Me: Hello, Zimi.
I glance at Busi.
Me: Hi.
Busi: Hey.
My eyes finally land on the boy.
He looks like a mini Derek, with his
dimpled face.
He stares at me and then at Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: Come sit next to me, Zizi.
I do as I’m told. I can’t seem to stop
staring at the boy, and he is also staring at
me, obviously
trying to figure out who I am.
I clear my throat.
Me: Hello.
Mpumelelo: Hello.
He has the sweetest voice and a bit of a
lisp.
Me: How are you?
Mpumelelo: How are you?
Zimkitha laughs sweetly and Derek
smiles.
Me: How are you?
Mpumelelo: How are you?
He looks at me with a smile.
Me: What’s your name?
Mpumelelo: Lelo!
I don’t know what it is about his voice, but
it’s making me feel warm. I smile.
Me: Lelo, how old are you?
Lelo: Lelo is 3!
He shows me 2 fingers and I laugh quietly.
Zimkitha: Lelo, when is your birthday?
Lelo: Happy birthday, Lelo!
Oh my goodness.
We all laugh as he starts singing the
birthday song.
Derek walks to Zimkitha and takes Lelo.
He kisses Lelo on the cheek and smiles.
Lelo: Hello!
Derek: Hello, Lelo.
He starts wiggling his legs and Derek puts
him down. He then runs off and
disappears. He is so
cute, short and skinny.
Derek: He’s going to the bathroom.
Me: The bathroom?
He nods.
Busi: He seems to have a fascination with
bathrooms.
Zimkitha: Oh, Lord.
I look at Derek, and realise how happy he
is.
Derek: Let me make him a sandwich.
Busi: He doesn’t like tomatoes.
Derek nods.
Derek: Just like Zi...
He looks at me amusingly before he walks
to the kitchen.
Busi: Let me go check up on him.
She stands and walks off.
Zimkitha looks at me and smiles.
Zimkitha: Unjani?
Me: I’m okay.
Zimkitha: Put your positive pants on.
I nod and stand.
Zimkitha: Uyaphi?
I narrow my eyes and she laughs.
Zimkitha: Heyii ngoba anything is
possible!
I chuckle as I make my way to the
bathroom...
INSERT 142 (Short Insert)
It’s been another month of more growth
and healing for me. My sessions with
Melinda have
been focused on getting me to let go of the
past, and live in the present. I have some
horrible
days, where I feel like I’m wasting my
time and energy, but I also have days
where I’m filled with
gratitude and more joy.
My mantra has been, “Put on your
positive pants,” ever since Zimkitha
mentioned it to me.
Every time I feel like I’m overwhelmed, I
constantly remind myself to stay positive.
Anyway, I’m officially living with Derek
again, and it’s been a calm month of
growth for him and
us as a unit as well. Seeing him find his
feet in his new role as a father is
bittersweet,
considering that the child he’s raising isn’t
mine.
We’re now in the apartment, waiting for
Lelo.
Me: I think he’s opening up to the idea of
you being his father.
He smiles.
Derek: It’s going to take a while.
Me: I don’t think so. He’s still very young
and impressionable.
He stares at me.
Me: Yini?
Derek: Thank you for sticking around.
Me: You’re welcome.
Derek: Lelo seems to like you a lot.
Me: He’s quite cute.
He smiles.
Derek: Well, he does have my genes.
Me: Haike uqalile.
He chuckles.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door and
Derek walks to the door.
A minute there, Lelo comes running in.
Lelo: Hello!
Me: Hello, Lelo.
Lelo: Hello Lelo!
He comes to me and I give him a hug. He
has such an innocent and bubbly
personality, very
lovable boy.
Me: How are you, Lelo?
He smiles and wiggles. I let go of him.
Me: How are you?
Lelo: Good!
He bounces away happily.
Busi sits close to me and looks around. I
can tell she wants to say something.
Me: Is everything okay?
Busi: Do you stay here?
Me: Yes.
She nods lightly and I focus on the TV.
Derek joins us…
Derek: Do you mind switching off the TV
for a few minutes, baby?
Me: Sure.
I lower the volume and look at him. He
clears his throat and looks at Busi
seriously.
Derek: Thank you for bringing Lelo.
Busi smiles and nods.
Busi: He loves you.
Derek: He should, I’m his father after-all
and I’ve been MIA.
The smile disappears and is replaced with
a smug look.
Derek: Listen, I would really like to spend
more time with him.
Busi: That’s why I bring him daily.
Derek: I don’t think it’s necessary for you
to be present at all times. I believe I’ll
manage without
you.
She looks at him in disbelief.
Derek: Is there a problem?
Busi: Derek, I’m his mother.
Derek: And?
She looks at me and shifts uncomfortably.
It’s clear that she wants me to disappear,
but Derek
has made it explicitly clear that I’m not a
guest in his life…
Busi: I want to be here…
Derek: There’s no need for you to be here.
I’d like to spend time with my son.
She tries to say something, but seems to
be dumbstruck.
Derek: We need to work out a schedule. I
want him to start sleeping over, especially
now that
I’m currently not working.
Busi: Hai!
Derek: Hai yani? Kanti why did you reveal
him after all this time if you’re going to be
stubborn
for no reason?
She keeps quiet.
Derek: I want him to start sleeping over.
We need a schedule that will work for us.
Busi grunts and looks at us grudgingly.
Derek: I want him to get to know Ziyanda
as well, seeing as she’s my partner.
Busi: I don’t want my child to be exposed
to different women, Derek.
Derek: Different women?
Busi: How am I supposed to know how
often you change your women?
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Derek: One would think you know me…
Ziyanda is not going anywhere.
Mpumelelo has to have a
relationship with her. We live together
permanently.
Busi: And what happens when you
separate? My child must get to know
another stranger?
Derek: Don’t worry about irrelevant
things… Are you exposing him to different
men?
She gasps.
Derek: Because I also don’t want my child
to be bombarded by strange men…
Busi: No, I’m not exposing him to different
men.
Derek: So, all this time, he didn’t have a
father? Where is Thami?
Busi: I left him.
He nods lightly.
Derek: Anyway, I’d like you to give me
more time and space with my son…
Busi: I’ll think about it…
Derek: Unfortunately, you don’t have
much of a choice, seeing as he is mine.
You don’t get to
make decisions that don’t benefit me.
She keeps quiet.
Derek: Let’s start off with weekends.
Busi: Excuse me?
Derek: I’ll take him every weekend from
now on… We’ll see how it goes.
Just then, Lelo comes to the lounge.
Lelo: Zizi, come!
He comes to me and takes my hand.
Lelo: Zizi come!
Me: Okay.
I stand.
Busi: Lelo, yini?
Lelo looks at her innocently, before
pulling me. I follow him to the bedroom
and he leads me to
the closet, where he seems to have
unleashed the artist in him. He scribbled
all over the door.
Me: Now, why in the world would you do
this?
He giggles and I sigh. Where did he even
get this pen?
He sits down and continues working on
his artwork.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Come see…
He walks in, followed by Busi.
As soon as Busi sees what he’s doing, she
drags Lelo and spanks him a couple of
times on the
arm. At this point, I’m beyond shocked. He
is such a tiny child, and she’s out here
beating him
like he’s a grown man.
Lelo immediately bursts out in tears and
Derek snatches him from her.
Derek: What the hell is wrong with you??
Busi: Heyi! He knows he’s not suppDerek
gives her one threatening look and she
instantly shuts up.
He then walks out, comforting Lelo.
Busi stares at me and I stare back at her.
Busi: What? What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing.
She storms out and I sit on the edge of the
bed, and try to gather my thoughts.
This is obviously going to be a long and
complicated journey…
***
The following day, Dean and Nolwazi
invite us to their new house for dinner,
everyone is going
to be there.
We haven’t spent much together since my
birthday lunch, so I am really looking
forward to it.
As I’m getting dressed, I get a call from
Nomvuyo, confirming that they are going
to pick us up
in 30 minutes…
Once I’m done getting dressed, Derek
walks past and goes to the bathroom.
Minutes later, he
walks out and disappears.
He keeps pacing around.
Me: And then? Everything okay?
He nods dismissively.
He disappears and comes back again, as
I’m applying makeup.
Me: Nkanyezi, yini ngawe?
He comes to me, stops, and then walks
away.
I finish up and he walks back in.
Me: Derek?
He steps closer to me and holds my
hands.
Derek: Will you marry me?
Me: Huh??
The fuck?
What’s going on?
INSERT 143 (Unedited- Excuse Any
Errors)
I look at him in confusion, more than
anything.
Me: Excuse me?
He keeps quiet and looks at me in
confusion as well. Why is he confused?
What’s going on
here?
He lets go of my hands and scratches his
head. He looks at me doubtfully.
Me: Did you just ask me to marry you?
He frowns.
I stare at him, waiting for an answer.
I am so confused right now. Where did
this come from? What’s going on?
Derek: Uhm…
I keep quiet.
Derek: Uhm…
He sighs heavily.
Derek: Forget I said anything.
Before I can even say anything, he walks
out.
I sit on the bed, and process everything. I
get my phone and dial Niki’s number. It
rings, and she
answers after a while.
Niki: Baby boo.
Me: Dude, something strange and random
just happened.
Niki: What?
Me: Derek randomly asked me to marry
him.
Niki: WHAT?!
Me: Dude!
She gasps.
Niki: What did he do? How did it happen?
Spill the tea!
I tell her exactly what happened and she
keeps quiet for a few seconds.
Niki: Uhmm I think the fuck not!
Me: Dude!
Niki: Like, what the hell? How are you
supposed to respond to such
randomness? Couldn’t he at
least sit you down and ask you properly?
Haibo!
Me: Why is he asking me to marry him to
begin with?
Niki: Well, you two are perfect for each
other. I just have a problem with HOW he
did it!
Me: Niki, I’m not ready for marriage!
What the hell??
She laughs.
Niki: You’re already living like a married
couple, so what’s the problem?
Me: Wow!
Niki: Don’t be awkward about it, I’m sure
he’s a nervous wreck.
I sigh.
Niki: Yhu, but naye he’s so random!
Me: Dude.
I say goodbye to her just as Derek walks
back in the bedroom.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Yes.
He nods and walks to the bathroom.
I get my things and wait for him in the
lounge. I’ll try not to be awkward about
this. I don’t know
what to say. He’s obviously feeling
embarrassed, because he seems to be
avoiding my eyes
right now.
We walk out and make our way to the car.
***
We get to Nolwazi and Dean’s house and
find everyone in the lounge, sitting and
chatting.
Me: Hello.
They all greet back and we share hugs.
Nomvuyo: Zi, can I have a word with you?
Me: Sure.
We make our way to the backyard.
Me: Is everything okay?
Nomvuyo: How are you?
Me: I’m okay, why?
She smiles.
Nomvuyo: Just checking on you. I know
you like your space, hence my lack of
communication
lately.
I chuckle.
Nomvuyo: I don’t want to bombard your
space, at the same time, I want to provide
sufficient
support.
Me: I’m okay, I promise… It’s just the Busi
thing…
She rolls her eyes.
Nomvuyo: The best way to deal with baby
mama drama is to ignore the bullshit.
Don’t take
anything personally.
Me: Konje you also have to deal with that.
Nomvuyo: I have to deal with a bitter ex-
wife. Kunzima
We laugh.
Nomvuyo: Don’t be bothered by Busi.
Me: I’m starting not to… Somehow, she
doesn’t affect me that much anymore.
She nods.
Nomvuyo: Good.
Me: Do you want a baby shower?
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: I don’t have any friends…
I laugh and she smiles.
Me: That sounds sad.
Nomvuyo: Not even, I don’t like people
vele… Liwa and Zimkitha are my best
friends.
Me: Wow! Go on and slice my heart in
pieces!
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: And then there’s you and Ivy.
I’m quite content with my besties.
I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: Don’t even come for Ivy.
Me: You don’t even like Ivy’s sister.
Nomvuyo: So?
I grunt and we walk back inside the
house.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi!
Me: Hey, Lwazi.
We share a hug and she looks at me.
Nolwazi: You’re looking good.
Me: Thank you.
Nolwazi: You’re glowing… Are you back
with Derek?
Me: He’s not the source of my glo-up.
She laughs sweetly.
Nolwazi: Hmkay then… Let me go check
on the food. Everything should be ready
in a few
minutes.
Me: Cool.
She walks off and I glance at Nomvuyo,
who’s busy with her phone.
Nomvuyo: Nyami is going through
puberty, yazi.
Me: Really?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: The last thing I need is a
moody little girl… I’m already dealing
with this pregnancy.
Me: Mina Lwazi is still her usual dramatic
self. She hasn’t bloomed yet.
Nomvuyo: Give it some time… Puberty
will hit her hard… Cherish these last
moments you have
with her innocence.
I laugh.
Me: You’re making it sound so horrible.
Nomvuyo: Uzobona.
Me: I think my teaching experience has
prepared me for such…
Nomvuyo: Lucky you!
We get to the lounge and Ivy seems to
have joined the party.
Ivy: Vuvz, I’ve been looking for you.
Nomvuyo: Sorry, love, I was with Zi
outside.
Ivy glances at me.
I refuse to acknowledge negativity.
I go to Derek and hold his hand. He looks
at me and smiles.
Me: Everything okay?
He nods.
So, I guess he’s going to pretend nothing
happened? Haike I’ll also go with the flow.
He plants a kiss on my forehead and
wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Derek: Why don’t you say hi to your
friend?
Me: Don’t come for me.
He chuckles.
Me: Where’s Dean?
Derek: He has an important work
conference call in his study.
Me: Hmm.
Just then, Nolwazi comes back and tells us
the table is ready.
Suddenly, we hear Mdu’s voice, and I am
beyond shocked when I see Tholi right
beside him.
Me: Tholi!
I am genuinely excited to see her!
Her cheeks are beyond red at this point. It
doesn’t take rocket science to figure out
that she is
horrified by being here.
I walk to her and hug her. I feel her lips
close to my ear.
Tholi: *whispering* I’m scared.
Me: *whispering* They’re not bad.
Ivy: What the fuck is going on?!
Before we know it, Mdu drags Ivy out of
the room and they disappear.
At this point, Tholi looks like she’s ready
to burst out in tears. I hold her hand and
look at
everyone, who’s staring at us.
Me: Guys, as you know, this is Tholi.
Nolwazi walks to her and smiles.
Nolwazi: Hey, Tholi. I’m glad you’re
joining us.
Tholi clears her throat.
Tholi: Thank you.
Her voice is a mere whisper.
Liwa: Hi, Tholi.
Derek: Hey, Tholi.
Nomvuyo: Hi, dear.
Tholi looks at everyone and they smile
warmly.
Liwa walks to her and I step away a bit.
He places his around her shoulders.
Liwa: Tholi Tholz, relax… No one’s going
to bite you!
Tholi looks at him nervously and he
squeezes her.
Liwa: We’re not that bad… I know we look
horrible, but I promise we’re not that
bad…
She looks up nervously.
Liwa: Would you like something to drink?
Tholi: I’m okay, thanks.
Liwa looks at me.
Liwa: Get her some champagne.
Me: Okay.
I pour her some champagne and give it to
her.
Soon, Mdu comes back, with no Ivy. I
wonder how that conversation went.
Phela I was ready to
defend Tholi, against that animal, Ivy.
Tholi takes a sip and looks at me. She
seems less intimidated.
Nolwazi: Dinner is ready!
Everyone follows her, and I stay with
Tholi.
Me: Can you just take a deep breath?
She exhales and I smile.
Me: They’re not that bad.
Tholi: They’re intimidating.
I nod understandingly.
Just then, Dean emerges.
Me: Dean!
He smiles and we share a hug. He then
looks at Tholi.
Dean: Hi, Tholi.
Tholi: Hey.
She can’t even look at him in the eye.
Dean then looks at me.
Dean: Apparently that idiot proposed to
you?
I groan and he chuckles.
Dean: I can’t wait to humiliate his dumb
ass… I hope you rejected that shit.
Me: He didn’t give me the chance to.
He chuckles and walks off.
Tholi looks at me in shock.
Tholi: Derek proposed?
I sigh.
Me: Yes…
She smiles and I shake my head.
Me: If only you knew how he did it…
Just then, Mdu emerges. He looks at Tholi
and smiles.
Mdu: Woza phela… No one will bite you.
Tholi: I need the bathroom!
Mdu: You can run, but you can’t hide.
Her face goes red.
Mdu: Woza, I’ll show you where it is…
They walk away hand in hand, and I make
my way to where everyone is.
It’s obviously going to be an interesting
dinner...
INSERT 144
We’re all seated and eating. Malusi and
Joe have joined us, but Gabi and Nandi
couldn’t make
it. It must be strange for Nandi to alwys
be identified as Malusi’s +1 even after
they’ve
divorced...
Anyway, Derek has been chatting up a
storm with Nolwazi, who’s sitting next to
him, and now I
know for sure that he’s avoiding me.
I keep talking to Nomvuyo, but I really
just want to talk to Derek. He’s been
avoiding me a bit too
much.
I nudge him and he looks at me.
Me: Hi.
He smirks.
Derek: Hi.
Me: Are you avoiding me?
He shakes his head.
Derek: Could never avoid the The Great
Ziyanda…
With that said, he focuses on Nolwazi
again and I’m ignored.
Nomvuyo: Apparently you rejected his
proposal?
I sigh.
Nomvuyo: News travel fast in this group,
I’m not the only gossip monger, babes.
I roll my eyes and she laughs.
Nomvuyo: I’m glad you rejected him. How
dare he ask you like that? Hai phela he
must not
disrespect us.
Me: Disrespect us?
Nomvuyo: Sishade sonke la.
Me: Oh gosh.
Just then, Zimkitha walks in…
Everyone stops talking and stares at her.
She looks like she got beaten really badly.
Before we can even say anything, Liwa
and Nomvuyo are standing and walking
to her.
Liwa: What the fuck happened?
Zimkitha laughs.
Zimkitha: Nothing. I just got mugged on
my way here.
Everyone gasps.
Zimkitha: Please don’t be dramatic.
Liwa: Got mugged?
Nomvuyo: What happened?
Nolwazi: Would you like anything?
Zimkitha pushes off Nomvuyo and Liwa
and then she smiles, but you can see she’s
in pain.
Zimkitha: Calm down, I’d like wine,
please.
Nolwazi: Okay.
Liwa leads her to her seat and she sits
carefully.
I don’t think I’ve seen Liwa like this. It’s
evident that he is pissed.
Liwa: MamaZimkitha
gives him a look, and they stare at each
other. He backs away and disappears.
Nomvuyo: What did they take?
Zimkitha sighs and smiles.
Zimkitha: My purse…
Nomvuyo groans.
Zimkitha: Go check on your husband,
please. You know he can be over the top…
Nomvuyo nods and walks off after Liwa.
Nolwazi gives her the glass of wine and
she takes a sip.
Zimkitha: I think I want something
stronger…
Nolwazi: I’ll get you whiskey.
Zimkitha: Perfect.
I stare at Zimkitha, analysing her black
eye, and she catches me.
Zimkitha: I probably look very bad, but I
assure you I’m fine…
She stares at Dean, who also looks pissed
as hell.
Zimkitha: You’re all taking this too
seriously.
Mdu: Well, you do look beaten up…
Zimkitha sighs and smiles.
Zimkitha: I’ve been through worse, I’m
okay.
She then looks at Tholi in slight disbelief.
Zimkitha: Hello, Tholi.
Konje she also knew about Mdu’s
situation before it blew up.
Tholi: Hi, ma.
Zimkitha: I keep telling you to stop
reminding me that I’m old.
Tholi smiles shyly.
Zimkitha: U-right? Are they treating you
well so far?
Tholi looks down shyly and doesn’t
respond.
Mdu: Who would treat her otherwise?
Kunganyiwa phela.
Gosh, the amount of arrogance in this
group is quite appalling. These men are
too much, even
Derek, with his quiet arrogance, counts.
They really think they shit rainbows. But
then again,
when I look at all the men I’ve dated, it’s
clear that I attract the arrogant ones.
Ngine-type.
Liwa and Nomvuyo come back and sit.
Liwa still looks pissed, but he’s much
better now.
Zimkitha: I’d rather not talk about what
happened to me.
Nolwazi: Okay, as long as you’re okay.
Zimkitha chuckles and nods.
Zimkitha: I’m fine, love.
She looks at Dean intently.
Zimkitha: I’m fine, Langa.
There’s an awkward silence for a while.
Liwa: So, Derek, what the fuck?
Derek doesn’t respond.
Before we know it, everyone is laughing
out loud.
My heart sinks as I look at Derek, who is
clearly touched.
Dean: What an idiot!
Nomvuyo: You’re so disrespectful. How in
the world are you going to propose like
that?
They continue laughing. I actually just
want to walk away and leave them. This is
painful to
watch. I’m not even trying to look at
Derek at this point.
Malusi: You’re the most romantic of this
group. What the fuck happened?
Dean: He chickened out.
Joe: Shame, man…
Nolwazi: You’re all so evil. I’m sure Derek
had his reasons for blurting it out like
that…
She chuckles as she looks at Derek.
Derek: Are you all done?
Liwa: Nope. You’re going to leave this
house crying.
He grunts as they continue laughing.
Zimkitha: Oh, baby… I guess today is your
day.
I guess it’s true. Everyone has a “day”
with this crew. I just don’t like it when it’s
Star. These
people are ruthless when they laugh at
you.
After a long time, they finally let go of the
topic.
Derek goes to the bathroom.
Nolwazi: I think we went overboard.
All the guys shake their heads.
Liwa: He’ll be fine. Derek is more
emotional compared to all of us.
Dean: Uzoba-strong.
I sigh.
Mdu: So, you really rejected his proposal?
Me: How about you mind your business?
They all keep quiet.
Me: Niya-bhora…
Mdu: Yoh konje we’re dealing with
Ziyanda…
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini!
Nomvuyo: Baby, we-
Me: If you continue dragging this out,
then we’ll have a problem… Stay out of
my business.
You’re all behaving like suffixes, busy
adding your unsolicited opinions.
There’s an awkward silence as they stare
at me in shock. I don’t like how they’re
drilling this.
I stand and walk off.
I find Derek outside, busy on his phone. I
wait for him to finish…
Me: Derek, I don’t know what the fuck is
going on…
Derek: With what?
Me: You proposed to me…
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: You really want to marry me?
Derek: Don’t ask me obvious questions.
I keep quiet.
We’re silent for a while.
Me: I’ll marry you, then…
He looks at me.
Me: If it will make you happy, then I’ll do
it.
Derek: I said forget it.
Me: Manje how am I supposed to deal
with you walking around like you’ve shat
your pants?
Derek: Excuse me?
Me: That was a random moment, and you
can’t play victim right now, just because
I’m not
reacting the way you want me to.
He tries to say something, but stops
himself. He looks at me for a few seconds
and ends up
chuckling.
Me: If you want me to marry you, then I’ll
marry you.
Derek: Forget it.
I cross my arms and look at him sternly.
Derek: I don’t want to marry you if it’s
something you don’t want.
Me: Derek, you know how I am…
Derek: I do.
I keep quiet.
Derek: Can we sit? I’m feeling
lightheaded?
Me: Am I making you feel lightheaded?
Derek: That and many other things…
He smiles and I smile back.
We go to the gazebo and sit next to each
other.
Derek: Truth?
Me: Truth.
He sighs.
Derek: I was supposed to propose to you
after my birthday.
Me: Huh??
He chuckles.
Derek: You know how I feel about you…
It’s been love from the beginning.
He sighs.
Derek: I’ve been postponing it, because
there was never “the right” time.
I keep quiet.
Derek: I have no idea what came over me
today. Being around Busi makes me
realise how
grateful I am that you’re in my life.
Me: Are you sure you asked me for the
right reasons?
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: The timing is strange… Are you doing
this because you want to seem legitimate
when you
fight for Lelo?
He keeps quiet.
Me: I won’t have a problem with that
reasoning… I think it’s a logical reason-
and valid.
He chuckles.
Derek: Trust you to be logical…
I sigh.
Me: Do you acknowledge that your
proposal was random, and lacked
substance?
He chuckles and nods.
Me: Can I give you an idea for next time?
Derek: Please.
Me: Sit me down and have a discussion
with me.
Derek: No fireworks?
Me: I think you know I’m not tickled by
that, especially when it comes to serious
aspects of my
life.
He looks at me thoughtfully and nods.
Me: Are we good?
Derek: Good.
Me: Will you stop ignoring and avoiding
me?
Derek: Have I been doing that?
Me: Yes!
He laughs as he stands and pulls me up.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses
my nose.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you more.
We share a kiss.
Me: How hectic is Zimkitha’s situation?
He tightens his jaw and shakes his head.
Derek: We’ll get to that later…
He takes my hand and we walk back
inside the house.
INSERT 145 (Unedited)
We’re now in the house, and the
conversation is flowing as usual. This
group has mastered the
ability to let go of the little things (even
though I’m still pissed at them for coming
at Star like
that).
Dean: Have you decided what you’re
going to do with your life Dlamini?
Me: In terms of what?
Dean: You’re unemployed.
Me: Can I be unemployed in peace
though?
He chuckles and glances at Derek.
Me: I have enough money saved up... I’m
not depending on Derek as yet.
Derek grunts and I ignore him. He’s been
trying his best to be a blesser, but I’m not
ready to be
blessed. I don’t want to feel like I’m
sucking him dry. The time will definitely
come soon,
because the way my savings are currently
set up... I’ve been unemployed for too
long.
Zimkitha: A man should take care of his
family.
She looks at Derek sternly.
Derek: She won’t allow me to take care of
her.
Nomvuyo: I was also like that at first...
Liwa: Too stubborn.
Nolwazi: I think independent women
struggle with letting go.
Me: Definitely, and men think we’re being
dramatic. Some of us were raised to not
depend on
anyone... It’s not easy to suddenly stop
taking care of yourself and expect a man
to do so.
Dean: You know very well that men
should take care of their families. It’s
what we told from
when we’re young.
Nolwazi: But we find it difficult to let go.
Mdu: Clearly feminism has flooded some
radical thoughts in your minds...
Nolwazi: Listen, I completely understand
that men and women have different roles;
however, I
don’t want my dependency on you to
mean you have power over me. I refuse to
give away my
power to anyone, more especially the
man I’m sleeping with.
Me: Amen!
Nolwazi: I depend on you because I trust
and love you, not because I’m trying to be
oppressed.
Liwa: So, you believe that men and
women are equal?
Dean: She sure does...
Nomvuyo: Liwa, you think men and
women are not equal?
Liwa: Oh, baby... My relationship with you
has proven that we’re on the same
frequency.
He rubs her belly and winks at her.
Now I’m interested in what Derek has to
say... I look at him.
Me: Nkanyezi?
Derek: Hmm?
Me: What’s your take?
We all look at him and he sighs.
Derek: I strongly believe that men are the
heads of the family.
Me: What exactly do you mean by heads?
They control everything?
Derek: They guide and protect. It’s their
responsibility to ensure that the family is
well taken
care of.
Me: And where do I fit in this picture? I
cook and clean?
Dean: Well, Dlamini... We’ve already
established that you can’t cook.
There’s an awkward silence, and before I
know it, they’re laughing out loud.
I roll my eyes as I wait for them to finish.
Derek knows better than to laugh at me.
Derek: I think it’s shallow to have those
old school role expectations. I’m a man,
and I absolutely
love cooking... Do I sit back and expect
you to do all that shit?
Dean: Certainly not. Shit, we don’t want
you to die.
They laugh once again and I look at Dean.
He winks playfully and I grunt.
Derek: Every man needs to take care of
his family. There’s no sugar-coating it, to
be honest.
Dean: So, in other words, Derek wants
you to stop acting like you’ve got your shit
together.
Me: Excuse me?
Dean: I’m sure your savings are dry at this
point...
I sigh in defeat.
Derek: Maybe you can knock some sense
into her... I’ve been telling her the same
thing.
Me: Can we stop discussing my finances
now?
They laugh and we move on to another
topic...
They start asking me questions about
Busi.
Zimkitha, thankfully, takes over this
conversation, and answers all their
questions.
Nomvuyo: I wonder what we’ll do once
you’re not around Zimi. Every one of us
depends on you.
Zimkitha smiles through the pain.
Zimkitha: You’ll be fine... I’d like to think
I’ve raised strong and smart people.
They continue expressing themselves
about the Busi thing.
Nolwazi: I don’t know how I’d react if
Langa had another child elsewhere.
Zimkitha: Even if it’s not his fault?
Nolwazi: What does that even mean?
We’re about to get married. Why would
he have children
elsewhere?
Nomvuyo: Things happen...
Nolwazi chuckles sarcastically.
Nolwazi: That’s bullshit.
Mdu: So, we all agree that an illegitimate
child is a deal breaker?
Nolwazi: Definitely.
Hawu, wasn’t Nolwazi the one advising
me to stay with Derek and not feel
threatened by Busi?
Now she’s the one who’s outchea saying
illegitimate children are deal breakers?
Mihlolo!
Nomvuyo: If the child was conceived
before you were in the picture, you have
no right to be
talking about deal breakers.
Nolwazi: Well, obviously.
Nomvuyo: Manje uthini kahle kahle?
Nolwazi sighs. She seems to be losing her
patience just a tad.
Nolwazi: You wouldn’t understand...
Nomvuyo: Is it? What’s so difficult to
understand? I’d like to think I have a
fairly good
understanding of the English language.
Boom!
This is it!
At this point, it is dead silent in the room.
We’re all staring at these two women.
I’ve been waiting for this. These bitches
better not disappoint.
Nolwazi chuckles quietly and puts down
her fork.
She stares at Nomvuyo very oddly.
Nolwazi: You want me to repeat myself?
Nomvuyo: Repeating yourself won’t make
your point any clearer. I’d rather you
explain what you
mean differently.
Nolwazi’s expression changes.
Nolwazi: Is this the perfect time to discuss
how much of a bitch you are?
All our jaws are on the floor.
Heyi, we’re all speechless.
Nomvuyo: I’m a bitch? Wow, that’s news
to me.
The sarcasm in Nomvuyo’s voice is also
just touching me.
Nolwazi: And while we’re at it, let’s also
discuss how petty and unnecessary you
are... Clearly
everyone in the table is afraid to tell you
this... I don’t know why, really, because
you’re not much
of a threat.
Yhuu!
I look at Nomvuyo. How is she going to
even respond to such? They’re basically
telling her that
she ain’t shit!
Nomvuyo: Let it all out, Nolwazi. Clearly
you’ve been keeping a lot in...
Nolwazi: I will, actually, because unlike
you, I discuss my issues with people,
instead of acting
out like a child. Now, however, I’m
starting to doubt that this will be a
productive conversation,
considering how childish you can get.
I want to get in and help my girl, Vuvz, but
she seems too calm, and it’s strange. I’d be
spitting
fire at Nolwazi, rha!
Nolwazi: You’ve had a problem with me
since I met you...
Nomvuyo doesn’t respond, instead she
looks at Nolwazi coolly.
I look over at Tholi, and the poor girl is
just so confused and traumatised. Heyi
naye she’ll have
to book extra appointments with Melinda.
She can’t walk around looking
constipated 24/7. She
really needs to breathe a bit, and enjoy
this back and forth that’s happening
between Nolwazi
and Nomvuyo. She should be glad that
these people have their own drama, and
aren’t really
focused on her.
Nolwazi: What’s wrong? Why are you so
bitter? Are you threatened by me? You do
know that
universities are open for all, right?
Oh, no... Nolwazi took it way too deep. She
took it deep down, there!
Nolwazi: Stop being mad at women who
are living the life you secretly desire.
Zimkitha tries to say something, but
Derek stops her. I’m glad he knows that
this shit needs to
be said... We need to move on from this
unspoken tension.
Nomvuyo suddenly laughs.
We all look at her in confusion. She should
be fuming, yet she’s outchea laughing.
She finishes laughing and sighs.
Nomvuyo: Stop being mad at women who
are living the life I secretly desire?
She continues laughing and we all look at
each other in confusion.
She quietens down and then looks at Liwa
and Zimkitha.
Nomvuyo: Am I the only one hearing this?
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: So I wish to give birth to my
babies and leave them with nannies?
She looks at Nolwazi, who seems pissed at
this point.
Now, Vuvu’s also taking it deep yonder...
Clearly the gloves are off.
Nomvuyo: In your self-proclaimed higher
grade brain, you genuinely think I desire
to be like you?
A woman whose babies are more familiar
to a bunch of nannies, than the person
who gave
birth to them?
Damn.
Nomvuyo’s smile has now disappeared.
Nomvuyo: Don’t ever get it twisted, dear. I
love being a housewife, and if you didn’t
know, then
now you do. I choose to be in this position
every single day, and thankfully, it doesn’t
require a
certificate. So while you’re prancing
around, trying to convince yourself and
those around you,
that you’re doing the right thing by
handing over your kids to strangers, don’t
for one second,
think that’s what I also desire.
Dean tries to say something, and I look at
him sharply.
Nolwazi: Then what’s your problem with
me?
Nomvuyo: Do I not treat you with respect
every time I see you? Am I not cordial?
Dean: You don’t like her, Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: I don’t have to explain myself
to anyone. You, out of all people, should
know that
we’re not all going to get along with
everyone we meet.
I’m not taking sides or anything, but there
are certain people I meet that I just don’t
like- from
the get go. It’s just unfortunate that all of
this is taking place in this circle.
Nolwazi shakes her head and stands.
Nolwazi: Let me go check on my babies-
or rather, my nannies’ babies.
Nomvuyo: Good, go do that, and maybe
they’ll eventually get used to you.
Nolwazi walks away and then there’s
silence.
Nomvuyo drinks some water.
Mdu: Uhm, does anyone mind filling me
in? Why the fuck were you speaking to my
sistr like
that? In her house futhi?
Zimkitha: Liste-
Mdu: How fucked up are y-
Liwa: Mduduzi, I suggest you keep quiet.
Mdu looks at Liwa, who’s looking at him
coolly.
You know, I’m still trying to figure out
Liwa. Something ain’t right about him
nomamakhe. They
scare me a bit.
Anyway, I’m outchea sipping my wine,
waiting for round 2.
Nobody said the Royal Rumble would be
easy. Makunyiwe, then we’ll try to clean
up people’s
wounds later.
INSERT 146
The tension is quite deep right now.
Nomvuyo stands and walks away. She
seems nonchalant about this whole thing,
which I didn’t
expect. I want her to go crazy.
Zimkitha: I don’t like what’s happening
right now.
Liwa: Let them be.
Dean: Of course, you’ll say that… Your
wife is the one being unnecessary.
Liwa ignores Dean and looks at me. I nod
and stand.
I make my way outside to the gazebo and
find Nomvuyo there.
Me: Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Yes?
Me: What the hell?
She grunts as she sits and rubs her belly.
Me: What just happened?
Nomvuyo: Don’t act like you’re not
enjoying this.
I smile guiltily and she chuckles.
Nomvuyo: My feet are so swollen…
She wiggles her toes and I look at her
intently.
Me: Are you really going to act like you
didn’t just have that moment with
Nolwazi?
Nomvuyo: Awume man…
She sighs as she drinks her water.
Nomvuyo: My ass needs to go back to
school… That’s what I learnt today…
I chuckle.
Nomvuyo: My uneducated self goes
around craving other people’s lives…
Me: Gosh, Vuvu.
She laughs quietly and shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: Ya neh...
She rubs her belly and looks at me softly.
Nomvuyo: Don’t worry about me. I’m
really unaffected.
Me: You sure?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: What she said didn’t faze me…
I’ve come across a lot of women like her,
who think
we all want to be like them. Had it been
true, I’d be fazed.
Me: You came for her parenting, Vuvu.
She shrugs.
Nomvuyo: If you come for me, I’ll also go
all out…
I sigh heavily and shake my head.
Me: So, what’s going to happen now?
Nomvuyo: You people found me here. I
was perfectly fine without all of you. I’ll
survive without
Nolwazi’s presence, trust me.
Me: So, you’re not going to apologise?
Nomvuyo: For what? I’ve never
badmouthed Nolwazi, nor have I tried to
tarnish her name.
Aningiyeke, please.
I groan as I walk away.
Nomvuyo: Please tell Liwa to bring my
bag.
Me: Are you leaving?
She shakes her head and I nod. I walk
back inside the house and find everyone
at the table
except Nolwazi and Dean.
Zimkitha: Is she okay?
Me: Yes, she’s fine… Liwa, she’s asked you
to bring her bag.
Liwa stands and walks away. Tholi also
walks away and makes her way to the
bathroom.
Mdu: Clearly we came at the wrong time…
I don’t have time for this drama.
Me: Just keep quiet, wena… Not so long
ago, you were also putting us through the
most with
your hidden life. You shouldn’t even try to
act like you’re above the drama.
He looks at me in shock.
I look at Zimkitha, who’s chuckling.
Me: Where’s Lwazi?
Zimkitha: She’s upstairs.
Mdu: I thought you changed…
I roll my eyes as I walk away and make
my way up the stairs. I go to the main
bedroom and
knock. I open the door and find Nolwazi
and Dean sitting on the bed.
Me: Hey.
Nolwazi looks pissed.
I have to admit that I’ve never seen her
like this. Her face says it all.
Nolwazi: Who the fuck does she think she
is? How dare she come for my parenting?
I listen to her go on and on. In all honesty,
I want her to say all these things to
Nomvuyo’s face.
Sometimes, all we need is the opportunity
to let all our anger out, and let the source
of the
anger see how pissed they made us.
Otherwise, you’ll just feel like you’re not
heard or
acknowledged and the anger will just
remain in the system.
Dean also looks pissed.
Lol, I find it cute that he wants to defend
Nolwazi, but he really needs to sit this one
out. It’s
between Nolwazi and Nomvuyo, and as
much as we all want to put our 2 cents, I
think it’s best
to stay out of it.
Me: I think we should go downstairs.
Nolwazi: For what? Why the fuck should I
go downstairs to talk to a childish 30
something year
old?
Yhu. Now, I’m being attacked.
I take a deep breath, and channel my
teacher mode.
Me: Nolwazi, the only way issues are
solved is through communication. The
process may be
hurtful, angering and hectic, but it’s
necessary.
She looks at me intently.
Nolwazi: You really care for her, don’t
you?
Me: I do, and I also care about you. Both of
you need to talk in order to move on.
Nolwazi: But, I’m not the one with the
problem.
Me: I understand.
Nolwazi: She came for my parenting.
I sigh.
Me: And you basically said she’s
uneducated.
She tries saying something, but stops
herself.
Me: You snapped.
Nolwazi: Give me a few minutes.
Me: Okay.
Nolwazi: Langa.
Dean nods and stands. We both walk out
and close the door.
I take a deep breath.
Me: Dean, I need you to calm down.
Dean: Mxm.
Me: Let Nolwazi fight her own battles.
We get downstairs and find everyone
there, including Nomvuyo and Liwa.
Liwa seems to be back to his usual happy
self.
Liwa: Where’s Nolwazi? She needs to
come here, so we can sort this shit out.
Dean hisses and Liwa ignores him.
I look over at Nolmvuyo, who seems fine.
Soon, Nolwazi comes back and sits. We’re
all very quiet at this point. We’ve never
had such an
awkward moment. Usually, we move on,
but this time, the tension is a bit too
much.
Nolwazi sits and drinks some water.
Nolwazi: Now, let’s get one think
straight…
She looks around the table.
Nolwazi: No one in this room will ever
discuss how I choose to raise my kids.
I want to raise my hand and say
something, but I pull myself towards
myself.
Nolwazi: Do not, even for one second,
think you have the right to tell me how to
raise my babies.
Nomvuyo: But, it’s fine for you to point
out how people choose not to further
their studies like
you?
There’s an awkward silence.
Nomvuyo: Isn’t that hypocritical?
Nolwazi sighs and looks at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: The last time I checked, we
were having a decent conversation and
you chose to
change the direction. I didn’t throw a
stone at you. I was reacting to how you
came at me.
Nolwazi: And I was reacting to how you
always treat me. Nomvuyo, if you weren’t
pregnant, I
don’t know what I would have done to
you…
Nomvuyo: Well, let’s thank my pregnancy
then… I’d like to think we’ve known each
other long
before my pregnancy, but if we’re running
with it as an excuse for you not putting
your hands on
me, then so be it… I’m also grateful for my
pregnancy right now.
Yhu…
Nolwazi takes a deep breath.
Nomvuyo: I don’t know how you managed
to conclude that I’m threatened by you…
If that
doesn’t show how egotistic and
delusional you are, then I don’t know
what will… One simply
doesn’t go around thinking other people
desire to be like them, but clearly you do.
Nolwazi: Then what is your problem?
Nomvuyo: Kanti yini inkinga? I’ve never
bad-mouthed you or tried to tarnish your
name? Why are
you so bothered?
Nolwazi hisses.
Nolwazi: I don’t walk around concluding
that I don’t like people I’ve never met…
That’s childish.
Nomvuyo: Then leave me and my
childishness. You mature people love
announcing how
mature and dignified you… If you’re so
mature, then you’ll stop trying to seek
validation and
keep it moving.
Nolwazi: Wow…
I clear my throat and everyone looks at
me.
Okay, I know I said I want these two to
fight, but I feel like this is getting out of
hand, and it
shouldn’t. It’s painful to watch.
Me: Uhm, I think this is escalating at a
very high speed.
Nomvuyo: Ziya-
Me: No, Vuvu.
She drinks her water and looks at me
calmly.
Me: We all know that Nolwazi is not your
favourite person.
She doesn’t say anything.
Me: Had it been a random person, I don’t
think she’d be so bothered.
I continue channeling my inner teacher.
Me: It makes sense for her to be bothered,
because this is a close-knit circle. This is
an
extended family. I’d also be touched if one
of you didn’t like me, and made me feel
unwanted.
Nomvuyo: I’ve never made her feel
unwanted.
Me: You don’t know how you’ve made
Nolwazi feel. Just because you think
you’ve been cordial,
it doesn’t mean that she interpreted your
actions that way. Don’t disregard her
feelings like that.
Gosh, I know she’s going to kill me, but I
have to reprimand her.
Me: You’re all family.
Liwa: Why do you keep saying “you’re”
and excluding yourself?
I frown.
Liwa: You’re also part of the family.
I ignore him and focus on Nomvuyo.
Me: Your silence towards Nolwazi has
been very loud… We’ve all felt it, and in all
honesty, it’s
unjustified. I’d understand if Nolwazi was
a psycho bitch, but the woman is amazing.
What’s
there not to love? I know I’m probably the
pettiest one in this room, but I have to
admit that your
dislike towards her is wrong, considering
how close you all are in this circle.
There’s silence.
I then look at Nolwazi.
Me: No offense, but you also have no right
to say someone is threatened by you, and
then insult
them for not having qualifications. You
don’t know why Nomvuyo chose to not
continue
pursuing her studies.
I feel strange speaking to Nolwazi like
this, but I’m going with the flow right
now.
Me: I get that you were reacting to her
behaviour, but that was an inappropriate
comment. Had
you really wanted to know why Nomvuyo
was acting like this, you could have easily
approached
her a very long time ago, and not in this
setting. You’ve never directed your
thoughts to her
directly.
Dean tries to say something, and I look at
him sharply.
Me: This has nothing to do with you…
He hisses.
Me: Nawe Nomvuyo, you have no right
commenting on other people’s parenting
methods. Just
because you’re raising Nyami a certain
way, it doesn’t mean it’s the universal
way. Don’t judge
someone for being a working mom.
I look at Nolwazi.
Me: With that being said, I’d like to say
there’s nothing wrong with your
parenting. I look up to
you. You’ve done very well for yourself,
and I’m sure your megabytes will admire
you.
Her face seems to have softened up.
Me: I think the perfect thing to do at this
point is give Nomvuyo and Nolwazi some
space to
talk… What they do with this time is
entirely up to them.
Liwa: I agree.
We all stand and leave them in there…
As soon as I hear Ivy announcing her
presence in the lounge, I go straight
outside and Derek
follows me.
INSERT 147
Derek: That was very noble of you.
He stares at me and we laugh.
Me: As much as I wanted that fight to take
place, I realised how damaging it could be.
He nods.
Me: Do you think they’ll sort it out?
Derek: They will… I think it was a case of
misunderstanding.
Me: Nomvuyo will continue being civil,
but I don’t think she’ll form a close
relationship with
Nolwazi.
Derek: At least their feelings are out in the
open now, so there won’t be any weird
vibes.
Me: True.
Derek: And we can now make fun of them
openly.
I chuckle and shake my head.
Me: I was just defending your ass, and
you’re already thinking about making fun
of someone
else?
He wraps his arms around me and kisses
my cheek.
Derek: Thank you for defending me.
Me: Your battles are my battles. I’ve got
you.
We laugh and share a kiss.
Me: I think I’m ready to go now.
Derek: Definitely. The last person I want
to see is Ivy.
I look at him in shock and he shrugs.
Derek: I guess your beef rubbed off on me.
I laugh at him.
Me: Good.
Just then, someone clears their throat.
What does Malusi want?
Derek and I look at him expectantly.
Malusi smiles.
These men always have this same weird
smile when they’re about to engage with
someone.
Malusi: A word, Dlamini?
I look at him blankly. I don’t know what’s
going on.
I look at Derek, and it seems like he’s not
going anywhere, because his arm is now
on my waist.
Me: Sure.
Malusi: That was a cute speech…
Me: Cute?
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Malusi: A bit hypocritical if you ask me.
I keep quiet. I was waiting for such.
Malusi: You judged me without even
getting to know me.
Me: I did.
Malusi: You don’t even know me, or the
reasons behind my actions.
Me: And, I apologise.
Him and Derek look at me in shock.
Malusi: Sorry, what?
Derek: Baby?
I smile.
Malusi: Well, okay then… I was expecting
us to have a back and forth, fuck I even
had my
arguments ready.
I shake my head.
Me: I’m not there…
Malusi: Hmm…
I look at Derek.
Me: Ready to leave?
Derek: Yes.
Malusi: Leaving already?
Me: Yes.
Malusi: Hmm, alright then.
He walks away and Derek looks at me
expectantly.
Derek: And then?
Me: I still don’t like him…
He chuckles.
Derek: I was shocked for a second.
We walk back inside and find everyone in
the lounge. Nolwazi and Nomvuyo are not
here.
Me: Where are they?
Liwa: They’re still in there…
I nod.
Ivy seems to have disappeared, and so has
Mdu and Tholi. Just then, my phone beeps
and it’s a
message from Tholi, telling me she’s not
ready to be in this space, and that Ivy was
going to
make things worse, so she asked Mdu to
leave.
I completely understand where she’s
coming from. However, I’m glad that the
group has shown
her that they don’t have a problem with
her. I think she needs to interact with
these people bit
by bit, and not all at once. Ivy, on the
other hand, is obviously going to give her
a difficult time,
so she’s a story for another day.
Just then, Nolwazi emerges.
Okay, she seems fine.
Nolwazi: You can come back in…
We all look at her nervously. We follow
her and make our way back to our seats.
Nomvuyo is
still sitting, drinking water. She also
seems fine, but one can never be too sure
with this one.
We all sit and it’s silent for a few minutes.
Nolwazi: Dessert should be here now…
There’s an awkward vibe. We want to
know how the talk went. Sifun’ kwazi!
Nolwazi looks at us and chuckles.
Nolwazi: You can all breathe… Nomvuyo
and I are fine.
We continue staring at them. Why aren’t
they giving us the details?
Nolwazi: We spoke… We apologised, and
we’re moving on. You can all stop staring
at us.
Liwa: Are you sure you’re fine?
Nolwazi smiles sweetly and nods.
Everyone looks at Nomvuyo, who hasn’t
said anything.
Nomvuyo: We’re fine.
She looks at me and I stare right back at
her.
Me: That’s nice.
Soon, dessert is served.
I want to go home and suffocate in
Derek’s arms.
Nomvuyo: I won’t be joining you for
dessert. My bed is calling me.
She yawns as she stands with Liwa. They
say their goodbyes and walk out.
Zimkitha: How did the talk really go,
Lwazi?
Nolwazi: It was fine. We both apologised.
Zimkitha nods.
Zimkitha: Good.
We continue chatting.
Just then, Ivy comes in the room and looks
around.
Ivy: Hey, people…
Everyone greets her back.
Ivy: So, you don’t invite me?
Nolwazi: I was planning on inviting you,
but I decided not to.
Ivy: Why? Is it because Mdu brought that
fat skank who caused you emotional
turmoil?
Zimkitha: Nomzamo!
Ivy hisses as she walks to the empty seat
next to me (Nomvuyo’s) and sits.
She looks at me.
Ivy: I hear you played a role in bringing
that girl here?
I don’t know who she’s talking to.
Nolwazi: Ivy, I don’t need your energy
right now. I’m exhausted.
Ivy: Ziyanda, you come here and try to
change these people’s lives, huh? First,
you befriended
Kwanele, and had the audacity to bring
him into this space… Now, you’re
meddling in my
brother’s business as well? Orchestrating
a relationship with that bitch that played
a role in
Nolwazi’s heartbreak?
Nolwazi: Ivy!
Ivy: What? Am I wrong?
She looks at me with obvious disgust.
Ivy: Bitch, am I wr-
Before she can even finish her sentence, I
stand, and give her one piercing smack on
the face.
At this point, I go completely blank.
This time, I throw a quick and sharp
punch, and I don’t even know where it
lands, because I’m
already being snatched away and dragged
out.
All I see is red.
I hear Derek saying my name.
I think I’ve lost it. I haven’t been in such a
state in a very very long time.
I can also hear Ivy in the other room,
screaming and shouting, yelling every
insult in the book.
I make my way outside, and allow the
fresh breeze to fill me.
Derek: Baby.
I gather my thoughts.
Derek: Baby…
I feel his hands on my arms and I look at
him. He looks nervous and concerned.
Me: I’m fine.
Derek: Are you sure?
Me: I snapped. That girl tests me, Derek.
He smiles and nods.
Derek: Those hits were well-deserved.
She was antagonizing you.
I sigh.
Me: Hug me.
He wraps his arms around me and I hold
on to him. I inhale his scent and relax.
Derek: Are you okay now?
Me: Not yet…
We stand there for a long time until I feel
much better.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: We should leave now… I’m tired.
Me: Makes the two of us.
He lets go of me and we walk back inside
the house.
As soon as I walk in the door, I’m met by a
punch on my face.
My adrenaline instantly switches, and I
swing. I’m swinging and making sure that
Ivy will think
twice the next time she tries to come at
me.
Once again, I’m being dragged out.
Dean: Dlamini!
Me: No, leave me alone, Dean!
Dean: Calm the fuck down!
Me: Let go of me!
Dean lets go of me and I walk all the way
to the driveway.
Derek follows me and unlocks the door.
We get in the car and he
drives off…
Derek: Use your Breathing Tool…
He looks at me with a smile and I end up
chuckling.
Me: Mxm… I think she hit my eye.
Derek: Is it painful?
I nod and pat my eye.
Me: Nxx.
Derek: Breathing Tool, baby.
Me: Star, stop!
He laughs and focuses on the road…
Me: I need a break from these people. I’m
tired! Ngapha I have to deal with your
psycho mom
and her best friend, Busi? I’m tired!
He keeps quiet as I grunt and sink on my
seat.
INSERT 148
A month has passed and Derek and I have
been doing our own thing. We’ve been
going on
dates and lazing around.
We’ve decided that we won’t be around
his people for a while. I genuinely feel like
being around
them brings me stress to a certain extent.
They always involve me in their issues,
and then I get
sucked in deeper, until I can’t exclude
myself. I need some peace right now. I’m
still battling
with the aftermath of the miscarriage, and
I can’t be bumping into the likes of Ivy,
whom I’ve
sworn to beat up every time I see...
Anyway, Derek and I are at the mall, busy
shopping for things for Lelo. He’s finally
going to
sleepover, and Derek has been beyond
excited.
Derek: So, when are we moving out?
Me: Next month.
He laughs.
Derek: Don’t worry, I’ll sort out
everything.
Me: I’ll help with packing.
We’ve decided to move out, seeing as we
can’t really host a child where we’re
currently staying.
We eventually finish shopping, and make
our way back to our place.
We find Busi already there.
As soon as Lelo sees me, he jumps for me
and I pick him up.
Me: Lelo!
Lelo: Hello!
I give him a kiss and he giggles.
I’ve grown to really love the little boy.
He’s cuteness is infectious.
Busi: Baby, come give mommy a kiss.
I try to put him down, but Lelo doesn’t let
go of me.
Lelo: Zizi, let’s go play!
Me: Say goodbye to mommy first.
Busi: Mpumelelo!
I let go of him and Busi takes him. She
plants a kiss on his lips.
Busi: Bye, baby.
Lelo: Bye bye.
She kisses him again and puts him down.
He then walks to me and takes my hand.
Derek and Busi exchange hellos.
Thereafter, we watch her drive off.
Derek: Lelo, you’re not going to say hi to
daddy?
Lelo laughs as he lets go of my hand and
hold Derek’s.
We make our way inside and Lelo goes
straight to the lounge, where we’ve set up
a play area
for him. Derek and I begin unpacking all
the groceries.
Derek: So, we have a guest this weekend?
I chuckle.
Me: I wonder how we’ll sleep.
Derek: Should be interesting...
Me: And Lwazi will be here soon.
Derek: I’ve missed her.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s my
mom.
Me: Mama?
Mom: We’re outside, baby.
Me: Okay, I’ll be there now now.
Mom: Shap.
I hang up and sigh.
Me: They’re here.
He smiles excitedly.
***
Lwazi: Hello, cutie!
Lelo looks up from his lego game. He
looks at Lwazi, a bit confused.
Lwazi: I’m your sister!
Lelo: Hello, Lelo.
I chuckle.
The child is really confused. I just find it
cute when he has these moments where
he greets
himself.
Lwazi walks to him and picks him up.
Seeing her hold Lelo makes me realise
just how grown she is... She’s grown into
such a
beautiful, strong young girl.
Lwazi: My name is Auntie Lwazi.
Lelo: Hello, Lelo!
I chuckle.
Me: Lelo, this is my baby... Her name is
Lwazi.
Lwazi: Hai, you can’t let him call me by
my first name.
Me: Heeh, why?
Lwazi: Mommy, I’m 13 years old now. I’m
his aunt.
Me: And what does that make me?
Lwazi: Well, duuh, you’re his mom.
Me: Hai wena.
She rolls her eyes and looks at Lelo.
Lwazi: Hello, Lelo.
Lelo: Hello!
He wiggles and she lets go of him. He then
focuses on his lego game.
Lwazi: He’s so cute!
Me: Too much.
Lwazi: You must bring him home.
Me: Ah ah.
She groans.
My mom walks to us and looks down at
Lelo.
Mom: Is this the young man?
Lelo looks up with his big eyes. He’s
beyond confused.
Mom: Hello, boy.
Lelo: Hello.
Mom: Unjani?
He looks at her in confusion.
Mom: Haike, you’ll have to learn isiZulu.
Me: He only speaks English.
Mom: Unacceptable...
She looks down at Lelo.
Mom: Uzofunda ukukhuluma...
Lelo blinks three times and focuses on his
lego game again.
Lwazi: I’m famished!
Me: Hehe, look at you...
Mom: She’s been flooding us with these
big words... Sifile!
I laugh as I listen to Lwazi explain the
importance of using powerful English
words.
Mom: You look really good... You’re back
to your usual self.
Me: Aww, thank you.
Lwazi: You look astounding!
Me: Yaas!
Derek walks to us and tells us the food is
ready.
We walk to the other side of the lounge
and sit.
This place is really starting to feel small.
Now, I definitely think moving is a good
idea.
Lwazi helps him serve, and we begin
eating.
Mom: So, how’s fatherhood?
Derek smiles shyly and looks at me.
Derek: I’m still wrapping my head around
it.
Mom: You seem to be doing great.
Derek: Your daughter’s been by my side.
My mom looks at me and smiles.
Mom: I’m glad.
Derek then looks at Lwazi.
Derek: How’s school?
Lwazi: It’s great. I just miss you guys.
I sigh heavily. I think I miss being around
children, it’s been too long.
Anyway, we continue chatting and
catching up...
***
A couple of days have passed, and Lelo
has left. I must admit that I miss his
adorable self...
In the afternoon, I make my way to
Nomvuyo’s house. The woman made it
explicitly clear that I
shouldn’t plan a baby shower for her, and
I obliged. She’s now waiting for the baby
to pop out.
I get to their house and find her by the
pooling, dipping her feet in there.
Me: Lover.
I bend and give her a kiss.
Nomvuyo: Hey, baby.
She rubs her belly and groans.
Me: Everything okay?
Nomvuyo: Cramps.
Me: Yoh...
Nomvuyo: I’m ready to take him out.
Me: It’s a boy??
She nods.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me?
Nomvuyo: We found out recently.
I sigh.
Me: I’m sure you’ve heard about the Ivy
thing.
She chuckles and nods.
Nomvuyo: She told me...
Me: Mxm.
Nomvuyo: The girl had a blue eye, what
did you do to her?
Me: I don’t want to talk about her.
Nomvuyo: Hmm.
She rubs her belly and groans lightly.
Me: How are you and Nolwazi?
Nomvuyo: What do you mean?
Me: Have you guys spoken?
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda, I’m pregnant. All my
attention has been on this baby...
Me: Hmm...
Just then, Liwa comes to us and gives us
drinks.
Me: Thank you.
Liwa: You’re welcome, Ziyanda Dlamini!
He walks off.
Me: By the way, how’s Zimkitha?
Nomvuyo: She’s okay.
Me: What happened that day?
Nomvuyo: You wouldn’t understand...
Zimkitha lives a wild life.
Me: Wow.
She rubs her belly again and groans.
Nomvuyo: Please help me stand...
Me: Okay.
I help her stand and we make our way
inside.
Nomvuyo: I need some rest... Come
massage my feet.
Me: So, you called me here just to make
me your slave?
She laughs as she throws herself on the
couch...
***
When I get to our place, I find it locked.
I knock and hear Derek saying he’s
coming.
Seconds later, the door opens.
Me: Really?
He chuckles.
Derek: I don’t feel safe when you’re not
around. You’re the fighter, love.
Me: Gosh.
I walk in and he follows me.
Derek: Did Nomvuyo feed you?
Me: Nope.
Derek: Good. Do you want to shower first,
or?
Me: Excuse me? Do I stink?
He laughs.
Derek: Angithi you love freshening up
before you eat...
Me: I’ll be done in 30 minutes.
Derek: Okay, baby.
I walk to the bedroom...
***
When I come back, he rearranged the
entire space.
Me: Yay! Picnic time?
Derek: Yep.
Me: Perfect.
I sit as he dishes up for us.
We begin eating.
Me: I’m convinced food is better than sex.
He laughs.
Derek: Oh, please...
Me: You’re an amazing cook, Ngidi.
Derek: I know, baby, but I’m also great in
bed.
Me: Gosh.
He chuckles.
Derek: So, I’d like to discuss a few things
with you...
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: And, I’d like to redeem myself a
bit.
Me: Hmm, I’m listening.
Derek: I’ve known you for close to ten
months now...
Me: Has it only been 10 months?
We laugh as I make fun of how obsessed
he was with me at first.
Me: I genuinely thought you were a creep!
Derek: You were so rude to me!
Me: Ngidi, you stalked me!
He laughs and shakes his head.
Derek: See how far we’ve come?
I nod.
Derek: Do you see yourself with anyone
else?
Me: Euww.
He chuckles.
Derek: You and I have a strange level of
understanding towards each other.
Me: It’s very strange...
Derek: I could spend my days like this
forever... You know, the last time I was
unemployed, I
was ready to blow up banks. I hated it.
Me: Dramatic much?
Derek: So, you’re not enjoying yourself?
Me: I mean, it’s okay... I’m starting to miss
being busy though.
He chuckles.
Me: But, I must admit that I enjoy
spending my days lazing around with you.
You feed me well,
Star.
He smiles.
Derek: Now, with that being said, Ziyanda,
don’t you think we’re soul mates?
Me: Without a doubt.
He smiles.
Derek: How do you feel about taking the
next step?
Me: Marriage?
Derek: Yes.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Will you marry me?
Me: Hmm, I think I need a kiss, just to
gather my thoughts.
He chuckles as he gets closer to me and
plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: Of course I’ll marry you...
He smiles and kisses me again.__
My Self discovery cont…

INSERT 152
Dean: What the fuck?!
He stares at Derek.
Dean: How the fuck do I not know about
this?
Me: Excuse me? Asijoli sonke.
He ignores me and continues staring at
Derek.
Derek: We only found out today.
Nolwazi: That’s amazing!
Dean stares at me.
Dean: Ukhulelwe?
I don’t respond.
He looks at Derek and smiles.
Dean: Congratulations.
Derek: Thank you.
Nolwazi: We’ll drink on your behalf, Zi.
I roll my eyes and they laugh.
Dean looks at me intently.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I don’t know.
Dean: Well, you’re not running around
crazy, so that’s a good thing.
Me: Mxm.
Nolwazi: What a blessing. I’m really
happy for you two!
The waiter brings the bottle of
champagne and Nolwazi stands and
insists on pouring. I glance at Derek.
Me: What are you doing?
Derek: Drinking.
Me: I think the fuck not. You’ll drink once
I’ve given birth.
Dean: Uyanya wena.
Derek: Are you serious, Ziyanda?
Me: I’m as serious as this pregnancy.
He sighs and Nolwazi laughs sweetly.
Nolwazi: It’s the right thing to do, D.
Derek: But I also want champagne.
Me: Uzoqina.
Nolwazi: My man and I will drink on your
behalf.
Nolwazi and Dean laugh as they gobble
down the champopo.
Just then, Nolwazi’s phone rings and she
groans.
Nolwazi: I have to take this, it’s work.
Dean: Niqala kanje ukuba
nabomakhwapheni.
Nolwazi laughs as she stands and walks
away. Derek follows and goes to the
bathroom.
Dean: Dlamini.
Me: Hmm?
Dean: What’s wrong?
Me: I don’t know.
He chuckles.
Dean: How many months?
Me: Almost five.
Dean: So, you’ve been fucking without
protection for five months?
I keep quiet.
Dean: Mxm, uyabheda kanti. What did you
expect?
Me: Leave me alone.
He tries to say something and I look at
him sharply.
Dean: Lighten up.
I sigh.
Me: How can I? What if I lose the baby
again?
He exhales.
Dean: The chances are slimmer at 5
months.
I keep quiet.
Dean: I’m actually glad that you found out
now. At least my nephew has been
surviving by himself, without your stress.
Me: Excuse me??
He smiles.
Dean: Relax.
I sigh.
Me: I’m shitting my pants here, Dean.
Dean: Focus on taking care of yourself.
Derek comes back and plants a kiss on my
cheek.
Dean: I’m telling your person to stop
stressing.
Derek looks at me intently.
Dean: I need my nephew to survive.
Derek: Nephew?
I roll my eyes.
Dean: You want a girl?
Derek: I do, actually.
Dean: Why am I not surprised?
I finish up my water and sink in my seat.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Dean: No, you must get used to this. We’re
not going to hide our excitement this time
around. Kuzoqina wena.
Me: Wow!
Derek: Hai man, Dean.
Dean chuckles.
Dean: Angeke sizwe ngawe.
Me: Mxm.
Dean: So, are you going to get married
first?
Me: Yes.
They both look at me in shock. I’m also
shocked at my response.
Derek: Huh?
Me: I’m not trying to have a bastard.
Dean immediately bursts out in laughter
and Derek continues to look at me in
shock.
Dean: What??
I groan.
Derek: Ziyanda, you want to get married
first?
I look at him blankly.
Me: Yes, kanti?
Derek: Before the baby is born?
Me: Yes.
Derek: Are you aware of the time we have
left?
I don’t say anything.
Me: I’m not thinking about all of that. All I
know is that my father will not allow me
to get married after the baby.
Derek: Why the fuck not?
Me: Because!
He looks at me in disbelief.
Dean: You never cease to amaze me.
Nolwazi comes back and sits.
Nolwazi: What’s up?
Dean fills her in.
Nolwazi: You want to get married first??
Me: Yes.
I look at them blankly. I don’t understand
what the problem is.
Nolwazi: Oh my goodness. How many
months?
Me: Almost 5.
Nolwazi: So, you have plus/minus three
months to plan a wedding?
Me: What wedding?
All of them look at me in shock once
again.
Dean: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Who gave birth to you? I shrug.
Dean: You don’t want a wedding?
I shrug once again.
I look at Derek. It seems like he is going
through the most.
Me: Kanti you don’t want us to get
married?
Derek: I do.
Me: Manje?
Derek: I want to marry you, but what do
you mean you don’t want a wedding?
Me: I don’t know.
Dean: What exactly do you know?
Me: Angazi.
Nolwazi: I think Ziyanda is overwhelmed
and you two aren’t helping. You need time
to figure things out.
We’re silent for a while.
I stand.
Me: Excuse me.
I walk away and make my way outside. I
need fresh air. My thoughts are all over
the place.
I go to a table outside and sit there.
I’m starting to freak out. I can feel the
anxiety building up. I’m starting to feel
like I have a lot to figure out about my
future, and it’s not as simple as I thought.
Just as I’m about to lose my breath, Derek
comes from out of nowhere with a glass of
water. He takes a chair and sits opposite
me.
Derek: Ziyanda, drink some water.
I shake my head. I don’t want water. I
want to stabilise my breathing.
He gets closer to me and stops himself
from touching me. He knows I don’t want
to feel suffocated when I’m anxious.
Derek: I need you to focus on your
breathing, Zi.
All these questions are racing through my
mind. Dean has made me think about all
these things. I wasn’t thinking about a
wedding. How am I going to have a
wedding when I’m 9 months pregnant?
On the flipside, how am I going to deal
with my father emphasising that I have to
get married before I give birth?
My thoughts are interrupted by Derek’s
warm hands on mine.
I snap out of it.
Derek: Let’s do the grounding exercise,
okay?
I nod.
Derek: Rate your anxiety on a scale of 1-
10.
Me: 7.
Derek: Relax your shoulders and sit up
straight.
I sigh and do as I’m told.
Derek: Close your eyes...
I do as I’m told.
Derek: Breathe slowly and deeply...
I focus on my breathing, making sure it’s
not quick and sharp.
After a while, I feel calmer.
Derek: What colour is my t-shirt?
Me: Grey.
Derek: What does the chair you’re on feel
like?
Me: It’s metal... It’s cold and a bit
uncomfortable.
He chuckles quietly and stays silent. I
continue to focus on my breathing for a
while.
Derek: What do you hear?
Me: The harsh breeze...
Derek: Can you feel the harsh breeze on
your face?
I nod.
Derek: What can you smell?
I inhale.
Me: You mostly...
He chuckles again.
Derek: Two things you can feel.
Me: The breeze hitting my face, and your
warm hand on my left hand.
He’s quiet again and I focus on my
breathing.
I exhale loudly and open my eyes.
We stare at each other.
Derek: Hello, there.
He smiles and I smile back.
Derek: Better?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Derek: We’ll figure it out...
I sigh and nod.
Derek: I don’t want you to stress about
anything, Ziyanda, do you hear me?
I keep quiet.
Derek: We’ll do what’s best for us, baby.
He stands and pulls me up.
Derek: And try your best to zone out that
idiot, Dean, whenever he opens his
mouth.
Me: It’s his fault!
Derek: I know, baby.
He pulls me and wraps his arms around
me and I relax in his embrace.
Me: Screw him!
He chuckles and kisses my forehead.
Derek: Are you ready to go back?
Me: Yes. I’m hungry.
He laughs as he takes my hand and leads
me back inside. When we get to our table,
Nolwazi and Dean seem to be having a
good time, drinking champagne. Mxm.
We sit and I immediately focus on my
food.
Dean: Dlamz?
Me: Awungiyeke Dean.
He chuckles and shrugs.
Dean: One can never win with you.
Me: Leave me alone!
Nolwazi: Dean uyahlupha yazi...
Me: Idiot...
***
It’s now Saturday, and I am meeting up
with Niki and Kwanele. I haven’t seen
these two in a while, and I could use their
company. I’ve been hanging around
Derek’s crew for too long.
Derek was very hesitant to let me go by
myself, but I told him to get over it. I’m
not going to sit in the house like some
zombie.
I get to Kwanele’s penthouse and I am
immediately relaxed. I’m so glad I’m going
to do my own thing a bit. I’d like to forget
about my life this afternoon.
Me: Ko ko!
Niki: Ngenaa!
We share a long hug and exclaim.
Me: Missed you!
Niki: Missed you too, heffer!
Me: Hey, Kwanele!
Kwanele smiles.
Kwanele: How are you, Ziyanda?
Me: I’m well, thank you. Unjani?
Kwanele: Great, thanks.
We share a hug and then Niki and I go to
the balcony.
Me: Nidla ubusha benu, huh?
Niki: Yoh, friend... Dating rich is great.
I laugh.
Niki: I’m addicted to this opulent life.
Me: You’re funny,sisi.
Niki: How are things?
Me: Things are okay.
Niki: Just okay?
Me: We’re busy moving.
Niki: Yaas!
I told her about the proposal, but she has
no idea that I’m pregnant. I’m going to tell
her later today... Right now, I want to eat
and gossip!
Me: Are we eating here? I love the view!
Niki: Of course!
We laugh and make our way inside.
Me: I’d like some orange juice, please.
Niki: Pregnancy driving you crazy?
Me: Huh?
Niki: Uthi nya, slima!
Me: Niki!
Niki: You really thought you’d get away
with hiding a pregnancy? Am I stupid?
I look at her in shock and she rolls her
eyes.
Niki: You are one fertile bitch.
I groan.
Kwanele: Congratulations, Ziyanda.
Me: Can we not?
Niki: Are you hiding it?
Me: Not really.
Niki: Do the parentals know?
Me: Dad doesn’t know.
Niki: Yoh...
I sigh.
Me: Can we not?
Niki: Okay.
Me: Now pour me that orange juice, bitch.
Just then, there is a loud knock on the
door.
Niki: Gosh...
Kwanele tightens his jaw.
Out of nowhere, a large woman budges in
and looks around.
Woman: Kwanele? Why aren’t you
answering my calls??
Her eyes land on me. She stares at me so
intensely that I feel uncomfortable.
Woman: Haibo, who is this beautiful girl?
She continues staring at me.
I look around.
Is she referring to me?
From Niki’s descriptions, I have gathered
that this is Kwanele’s mother...
I finally get to meet the notorious
Thenjiwe Buthelezi.
INSERT 153
Thenjiwe walks to me and I feel myself
stepping back. She has an intimidating
presence. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve
heard so much about her or because she
is physically intimidating.
Thenjiwe: Who are you?
Me: Uhm, me?
She doesn’t say anything.
Me: Ziyanda.
She looks at Kwanele and smiles.
Thenjiwe: Are you telling me you’ve
dumped this one?
She points at Niki dismissively.
Haibo, guys! What’s happening??
Me: Excuse me?
Kwanele: Mama, get out.
I look at Niki, and my friend is ready to
kill this woman. She is fuming!
How could this woman disrespect Niki
like this? What is it with these mothers?
Nami I have Khwezi thinking she can talk
to me like I’m some piece of shit.
Kunzima!
Thenjiwe: I came to-
Kwanele: Get out.
He stares at her calmly, yet intensely.
Thenjiwe looks at me and smiles.
Thenjiwe: Beautiful girl...
I keep quiet.
She then looks at Kwanele and smiles
sweetly.
Thenjiwe: Your father has asked for a
family meeting...
Kwanele looks at her in confusion.
Thenjiwe: I have no idea what it’s about.
That man is full of surprises these days.
She hisses as if she’s thinking of
something that’s angering her.
Kwanele: You could have called me.
Thenjiwe: I’ve missed you... You’ve been
MIA lately.
She stares at Niki disgustingly.
Thenjiwe: Is Ziyanda your second
girlfriend?
She laughs boldly and takes her bag.
Thenjiwe: You must come over tomorrow
noon. We all can’t wait to hear what your
father has to say!
With that said, she walks out and it’s
silent.
I feel awkward. I feel very awkward.
Me: Uhm-
Niki: Kwanele, I’ve mentioned how
uncomfortable your mother makes me.
Don’t let her in when I’m around... How
many times have we had this chat?
Kwanele: Are you kidding me? Am I the
only one who was present when she
pitched unexpectedly? Did you not see
that?
Niki: Why does she have access to your
place? Why is it so easy for to just budge
in?!
Kwanele: Are you fucken serious right
now, Nikiwe?
I listen to them go back and forth.
Heyi, if people think I have drama, then
they must meet Niki. The heffer can go
from 0-100 in a flash, and her 100 is like
200 to a normal person.
Now, voices are going higher and the
tension is getting thicker and thicker.
Kunzima.
Niki: You’re an enabler! You enable her to
have this much power over you! Grow the
fuck up and stop allowing your bully of a
mother to control you!
Kwanele: Have you seen her control me?
What the fuck are you on about?!
Niki tries to say something, but Kwanele
shuts her up.
Kwanele: Don’t come here with bullshit.
I’ve defended you since she laid eyes on
you. Uyabheda manje.
Niki storms off and disappears.
Kwanele also storms off and disappears.
I clear my throat.
Me: Uhm, so... Y’all are just gonna leave a
pregnant person unattended?
Silence.
Me: Hmkay then...
I pour more orange juice and dial Derek’s
phone. He answers immediately.
Derek: Baby, is everything okay?
Me: What do you think?
He chuckles.
Derek: What happened?
Me: Everything was cool until Kwanele’s
mom pitched out of-
Derek: What?? Are you okay?? Ziyan-
Me: Whoa, calm down. Why wouldn’t I be
okay? Geesh, relax, the woman is not a
killer.
Derek: You’d be surprised.
Me: So, Niki and Kwanele had a back and
forth as soon as she left.
Derek: About what?
Me: Niki feels disrespected and thinks
Kwanele is being controlled by Thenjiwe.
Derek: Really?
I chuckle.
Me: You’re such a gossipmonger.
Derek: I mean, I like hearing how other
men mess up their relationships while
mine is thriving.
Me: Derek!
He laughs.
Me: So, Kwanele was throwing all kinds of
swear words, and Niki was also doing the
most. Bekunyiwa I tell you! After, they bo-
Just then, Kwanele walks back.
I clear my throat.
Me: Uhm, I’ll call you later, ma.
Derek: Ma?
Me: Love you.
Derek laughs.
Derek: Did one of them walk in?
Me: Yes, I’ll call you.
Derek: Manje why are you calling me ma?
Hai, Ziyanda...
He laughs.
Me: Bye, ma! Love you!
I quickly hang up and take a sip of my
juice.
Kwanele: Ziyanda.
I look at him.
Kwanele: I apologise for how I conducted
myself.
Me: You don’t have to apologise...
He sighs.
Me: I’ll check on Niki now...
He nods as I walk away.
I eventually find her in the main bedroom.
Me: Boo.
She’s lying on the bed.
Me: Have you calmed down?
Niki: That woman, Ziyanda! That
humongous piece of shit! I swear I’m
going to go head to head with her!
Me: It’s not worth it... She’ll never
change... They never change...
She groans and looks at me.
We stare at each other for a few seconds
before bursting out in laughter.
We laugh for a good minute.
Me: So, not even one us is blessed with a
sweet mother-in-law?
Niki: Fucken bitches.
We continue laughing.
Me: Stop being hard on Kwanele. I’d also
avoid fighting with that woman. She’s too
much.
She sighs.
Me: And he told her to leave... Take your
over- the- top- ass back in that kitchen
and apologise for being unnecessary. I
want to eat, and this fight was pointless.
She rolls her eyes and stands.
Me: I’ll wait for you here. Call me once
you’re done.
She stands and walks away...
***
After a few hours, I’m full and ready to
pass out.
Me: Guys, thanks for the food, but I need
to sleep.
Niki: Wow.
Me: I could pop right now, that’s how full I
am.
As soon as my head hits the pillow, I pass
out.
I am suddenly awakened by someone
shaking me lightly.
I ignore them.
They shake me again and I groan.
Person: Zi, vuka...
I open my eyes in confusion.
Me: Derek?
He looks at me blankly.
Me: What’s happening? I blink a few
times, trying to figure out where I am.
I remember. I’m at Kwanele’s.
Me: What are you doing here?
Derek: I’m not about to have you sleep at
another man’s house. Vuka.
He pulls me up and I sit up. I yawn and
stretch.
He looks around and shakes his head.
Me: What?
Derek: Nothing... Let’s go.
I put on my shoes and we walk out.
Is it weird that I suddenly feel so
pregnant?
All this time I’ve been living happily, but
now I’m bloated and aware of the life
growing in me. It’s crazy.
I just... I don’t know, man...
We get to the lounge and find Niki and
Kwanele chilling, all cuddled up.
Niki: Your man couldn’t even stomach the
thought of you sleeping here. I don’t know
what his problem is.
I look at Derek disapprovingly and he
remains silent.
Me: See you two another time.
Kwanele: Bye, Ziyanda.
Niki: Bye, boo.
Derek: Nisale kahle.
Niki chuckles.
Niki: Bye, Star.
Kwanele: Nihambe kahle.
I give them hugs and follow Derek, who’s
already out. Clearly he has a lot to say...
We get in the car and I look at him.
Me: Go ahead...
Derek: Last time I checked, you had a bed,
a very comfortable one at that.
I chuckle.
Me: Your jealousy knows no bounds...
Derek: Can’t have you sleeping in another
man’s bed...
Me: Okay, Star.
Derek: Understood?
Me: Hmkay.
Just then, his phone rings and it’s Dean.
He answers it.
It’s on loudspeaker.
Derek: Dean? I’m driving.
Dean: Zimkitha’s in hospital.
Derek: What??
Me: What happened??
Dean: Get here now.
Derek: Uhm, sure...
Dean: I can’t contact Liwa, Derek.
Derek: Does he know?
Dean: Ya.
Derek: Shit.
Dean: Exactly. Exactly what?
Derek: I’ll try calling him. Is Zimkitha bad?
Dean: Just get here.
Derek: Okay.
He ends the call.
Me: Oh my goodness!
He dials Liwa’s number and it rings for a
very long time.
Just as we’re about give up, he answers.
But he doesn’t say anything.
Derek: Liwa.
He doesn’t say anything.
Derek: I’m on my way to the hospital now,
Liwa. I need you to meet me there.
Before Derek can continue, the call is
ended.
Derek: Shit.
Me: What’s wrong??
Out of nowhere, he changes direction, and
goes back to where we come from.
Me: And then?
Derek: I don’t want you in that
environment. I’m taking you back to Niki.
Me: Are you kidding me? Am I a child?
He glances at me.
Me: Turn this car around and drive to the
hospital, Nkanyezi.
He contemplates for a few seconds...
He sighs and changes direction once
again...
I have no idea what the hell is going on,
but I sense that it’s huge...
I find myself touching my belly as poor
Zimkitha crosses my mind.

INSERT 154
We get to the hospital and Derek stops
and looks at me.
Derek: I don’t want you to come with me.
Me: Why? Sitting here, by myself, will
stress me out even more.
He sighs.
Me: Let’s go.
He takes out his phone and calls Dean.
Derek: I’m here... Where’s her room?...
Okay...
He hangs up and then looks at me.
Derek: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m nervous.
He nods tightly and wraps his arm around
my shoulders.
Me: How are you?
Derek: I’m okay.
Me: You’re not.
He groans.
Just then, Dean emerges and it’s safe to
say he is not in a good mood.
Dean: What is she doing here?
Me: Excuse me?
He looks at Derek coldly. He eventually
looks at me with the same coldness.
Me: You don’t have to be a dick.
He ignores me and walks away. We follow
him and Derek holds my hand.
I get that everyone is stressed, but can we
show some kindness? It’s so tense.
We eventually get to the room. As we
walk in, we find everyone there:
Nomvuyo, Nolwazi, Gabi, Joe, Malusi and
Nandi- except Liwa.
Zimkitha is in the bed. She’s
unrecognisable due to bruises.
Me: What happened?
They all turn and stare at me. I
immediately regret breaking the silence.
Nolwazi: Car accident.
I want more information, but decide to
keep my mouth shut. Dean is already
looking at me like I’m an invader.
I look over at Nomvuyo, and my heart
immediately goes out to her.
She stands and I find myself moving out of
her way as she walks out of the door.
As I’m about to follow her, we hear
Zimkitha moaning.
All of us immediately go to her bed. She
moans louder.
Dean: You all need to get out.
Gabi: Why? Sh-
Zimkitha tries to say something.
Dean: Get the fuck out!
He looks at us and I instantly turn. I’m not
about to be eaten and swallowed by Dean.
Derek can stay here with him while I
check on Nomvuyo.
Zimkitha: Dean... Liwa...Derek... Vu-
We all walk out and shut the door.
Gabi: I just don’t understand why Dean
has to be so cold and unnecessary. We’re
all here because we love Zimkitha. He
must stop treating us like some random
outsiders.
I decide not to respond to that. I walk
around, looking for Nomvuyo, and
eventually find her at the parking lot.
She’s leaning on her car.
Me: Vuvu.
I get to her.
It doesn’t take rocket science to see that
she’s acting strong. Knowing Nomvuyo,
she hates being seen as weak.
Me: I’m sorry.
I give her a long hug. I want her to cry, but
she remains stone-faced.
Me: Have you spoken to Liwa?
She doesn’t respond. I guess that’s a no.
We stand in silence for the longest time.
My phone rings and it’s Derek.
Me: Hello.
Derek: Zi, ukuphi?
Me: Parking lot.
Derek: With Vuvu?
Me: Yes
Derek: Come back. Zimkitha wants to see
her.
Me: Is she up?
Derek: Yes.
Me: Okay.
I hang up and look at Nomvuyo.
Me: Zimkitha wants to see you.
She begins walking and I follow her. I’m
really awkward when it comes to
comforting people... I feel very
uncomfortable right now.
Anyway, we eventually get back inside
and find Dean and Derek there.
My stomach growls.
Gosh, this is such an awkward time to be
hungry. I imagine myself eating pasta
with bits of bacon...
I quickly check myself. Derek looks at me
weirdly.
Nomvuyo walks to the bed and touches
Zimkitha’s hand. Zimkitha is still
“sleeping” so now I’m confused. How did
she ask for Nomvuyo? Did she moan her
name?
Also, this accident was clearly horrific.
She looks really bad.
Dean stands and scratches his head
lightly. He looks calmer now, for some
odd reason. He walks to me, takes my
hand, and we walk out. I don’t know why
he is so adamant about me not being here.
He can’t even hide it.
Once we’re out of the room, he sighs.
Dean: Where’s Nolwazi?
Me: They’re all downstairs.
He nods lightly and looks at me more
softly.
Dean: You shouldn’t be here.
Me: But, why?
Dean: You can’t be in stressful situations,
Ziyanda, you’re pregnant.
I keep quiet.
Dean: We need to play our part in
ensuring that you have a smooth
pregnancy. Being here, where everyone is
tense and stressed, is not good for you,
especially because you’re such an
absorber of emotions.
Me: I didn’t think about that.
He rolls his eyes.
Dean: Of course you didn’t, dummy.
Me: So, you want me to go home?
He nods.
Me: I’ll go back to Niki.
Dean: Ungazonya wena. Stop acting like a
homeless person.
Me: Excuse me?
Dean: How dare you sleep in another
man’s bed?
Me: Gosh, not you again.
He looks at me sternly.
Dean: I think you should go to Soweto.
Spend some time with your parents, while
we deal with Zimkitha’s accident.
Me: Deal? What’s there to deal with?
He sighs.
Dean: Logistics.
Me: What happened vele?
Dean: We’re still waiting for a report.
Me: From the police?
He nods lightly.
I don’t really know these things, so I’m
absolutely confused.
Dean: Nolwazi will drive you home.
As I’m about to say something, he shakes
his head disapprovingly.
Dean: Stop being stubborn. Ngidi has to
stay here.
I look at him angrily and eventually nod.
Me: Okay.
Just then, his face tenses up. I turn to see
what the cause is.
It’s Liwa.
Liwa is walking towards us.
I find myself stepping back, and getting
closer to Dean. I’ve never seen Liwa like
this. I’m genuinely scared.
Dean: Liwa.
Liwa ignores Dean and open the door to
Zimkitha’s room. We rush in behind him.
Nomvuyo looks up from Zimkitha, and
stares at Liwa.
He stands there for a few seconds.
The vibe is intense.
He steps closer to the bed and then walks
to the other side, where Nomvuyo is. He
pulls her up and as soon as she is nuzzled
in his arms, she burst out in tears.
I stand there, not able to move. I thought I
had seen it all, but Nomvuyo being this
emotional? Nope.
I find myself feeling extremely sad as her
cries fill the room.
Liwa continues comforting her until she
eventually calms down. He sits her down
and turns to look at us.
He’s also emotional.
Derek, Dean and I nod and walk out of the
room. Derek closes the door and we stand
there in silence.
Dean: I need Nolwazi...
He walks away and leaves Derek and me
there...
My stomach growls again and I rub it.
Derek steps closer to me and looks at me
worriedly.
Me: I’m fine, just hungry.
Derek: Let’s grab something to eat.
Me: Dean wants me to go to Soweto.
Derek: No.
I look at him weirdly.
Me: You don’t want me to go?
Derek: Ngizosala nobani?
I chuckle and shake my head.
Me: You don’t know what you want
wena...
Derek: Right now, I want food.
Me: Me too.
Derek: Woza ke...
***
It’s been a while since we arrived at the
hospital. I’m fed and feeling much better.
I’m also relieved that Liwa is here, so
Nomvuyo has a shoulder to cry on.
We’re all just rooting for Zimkitha right
now.
The doctor has asked us to leave...
Liwa and Nomvuyo refused, so we had to
leave them there.
We’re now in the parking lot.
Gabi: Can we please go out for dinner? We
need to recoup.
Dean: Sure.
Dean looks at Derek and me.
I don’t think I want to go with them. I
want to sleep.
Derek: We’ll join you tomorrow. We need
some rest. We’re also moving, so it’s been
taxing.
Gabi: Oh, alright then.
Me: Bye, guys.
We share hugs and they watch as Derek
and I drive off...
Me: I’ve never seen Liwa like that...
He glances at me.
Derek: There’s more to this than meets
the eye.
He sighs and focuses on the road.
INSERT 155
The following day, I decide that I am not
going to the hospital. I woke up feeling
exhausted and Derek encouraged me to
stay. He was more than happy to leave
me.
We’re supposed to move today, but Derek
postponed it to tomorrow. Because our
place is officially empty, Dean and
Nolwazi offered us refuge.
It’s around 12pm and Derek is getting
ready to leave. He’s going to drop me off
at Dean and Nolwazi’s place.
Derek: You need a car...
Me: No, I don’t.
He hisses.
Me: Derek, I hate driving and I have no
desire to drive.
He shakes his head lightly.
Derek: Let’s go.
I get my things and we make our way out.
Just then, his phone rings and he answers
it.
Derek: Busi?
I roll my eyes.
This Busi girl is beyond annoying. I need
her to disappear.
Derek: I can’t talk right now, I’ll call you
later.
He ends the call and glances at me.
Derek: She says she needs to talk to me.
Me: About?
He shrugs.
Derek: Angazi.
Me: What if it’s about Lelo?
Derek: It’s not.
I sigh and focus on my phone as he drives
off.
We eventually get to Dean and Nolwazi’s
house.
Nolwazi: I’ve just finished cooking. You
can dish up anytime.
Me: Thanks.
Dean: Don’t burn my house down.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: Call me if you need anything.
Me: I think I can take care of myself for a
few hours.
Dean and Nolwazi walk out. Derek looks
at me worriedly.
Me: I don’t understand you sometimes.
You want to exclude me from Zimkitha’s
situation, and now that I’m backing off,
you act like a lost puppy. Ufunani kahle
kahle?
He smiles shyly and I chuckle.
Me: I’ll be fine.
Derek: Love you.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Call me if you need anything.
Me: Even if it’s a kiss?
Derek: Especially if it’s a kiss.
Me: Yaas!
He chuckles and we share a kiss.
Me: Bye, lover.
Derek: Bye.
I walk him out. Dean has already made
himself comfortable in Derek’s car.
Derek: So, where am I supposed to sit?
Dean: At the back, where you belong.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry, Ngidi, but I don’t sit at
the back when Dean’s driving.
Me: Haibo, then you two must drive your
own car.
Dean: Hai suka wena, blabbermouth.
Derek: The shit I tolerate...
He glances at me.
Derek: See you later.
Me: You must tell me if Dean comes for
you.
He chuckles and I watch as he gets in the
car and they drive off.
Finally.
I’ve been craving some quiet time all by
myself.
I make my way back inside the house. I
decide that I’ll chill by the pool and make
some virgin cocktails *rolls eyes*.
Bongani, my ex-friend (clears throat)
taught me how to make cocktails, so I
should be fine.
Anyway, I change into a dress, mix a
virgin cocktail, and go to the pool.
I’m trying to imagine myself as a mother...
I can’t seem to visualise myself.
At this point, I just hope that I’ll
miraculously start loving the baby when
he/she pops out, because right now, the
connection is quite low.
My thoughts are interrupted by my phone
ringing- it’s Derek.
Me: Lover.
Derek: We just got here.
Me: How’s Zimi?
He sighs.
Derek: She’s up now.
Me: That’s good.
Derek: Ya.
Me: How’s Liwa and Vuvu?
Derek: They’re much better.
Me: Is that Zimi speaking?
Derek: Yes. She wants to speak to you.
Me: Oh. Okay.
I hear some shuffling.
Zimkitha: Zi?
Me: Hello, Zimi.
Even though her voice is low and
strained, she still sounds like her usual
positive self.
Zimkitha: How are you, my love?
Me: I should be asking you that.
She chuckles and then groans.
Zimkitha: I’m okay, just a few bruises here
and there.
Me: A few?
She sighs.
Me: I’m glad you’re up.
Zimkitha: I’ll be fine. These kids need to
stop stressing.
I sigh.
Zimkitha: How’s our baby?
I groan and rub my belly.
Me: Okay, I guess.
Zimkitha: I’ve never met a person as
stubborn as you- you’re even worse than
Vuvu.
I keep quiet.
Zimkitha: I really need to speak to you.
She sounds serious.
Me: About?
She sighs.
Zimkitha: Please come and visit... by
yourself.
Me: Without Derek?
Zimkitha: Yes.
I suddenly feel nervous. Why does she
want to speak to me alone?
Zimkitha: Please come as soon as
possible.
Me: Uhm, okay.
She sighs.
Zimkitha: Alright then, bye.
Me: Is Derek in there?
Zimkitha: He just walked back in.
Me: Can I speak to him?
Zimkitha: Okay, dear. Bye.
Me: Bye, Zimi.
Zimkitha: Don’t forget...
I hear some shuffling.
Derek: Baby?
Me: Hey.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yes. Ubuya nini?
Derek: You miss me?
Me: I mean, not really...
He chuckles.
Derek: I’ll be back soon. Maybe in 30
minutes.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too. Bye.
Derek: Bye.
I end the call and continue chilling...
After a while, I decide to go back inside
for a nap.
As I walk in, a phone rings...
It’s definitely not mine.
I walk to the lounge, and realise that Dean
left his phone. It stops ringing.
After a few seconds, it rings again.
I take the phone and answer it.
Me: Dean’s phone, hello.
Person: Dean?
Me: No, this is not Dean. He is currently
not here... Can you call again after a
while?
Person: Who’s this?
This is a woman.
Me: Uhm, a friend...
Person: A friend? He leaves his phone at a
friend’s now?
Me: Uhm, can I take a message?
Person: Tell him I’m coming for him. Tell
him I’m coming for everything he has
built. He will pay for what he did to me.
Heyiiii! My heart??
What the hell is going on here??
Just as I’m about to ask more questions,
the call is ended.
Who was that?? What does she mean,
she’s coming for him??
My heart is beating so fast!
I try to dial Derek’s number, but quickly
stop myself.
What am I going to say to him?
I sit down and take a few breaths. I’m still
holding Dean’s phone...
I unlock it and find myself browsing
through it. I know I’m not supposed to be
doing this, but damnit, Petty is busy
encouraging this behaviour.
What am I looking for? Why am I doing
this?
I am shook.
As I’m about to go to his messages, my
phone rings and I quickly put down
Dean’s phone and clutch my non-existent
pearls.
Lord.
It’s Derek.
I take a deep breath before answering.
Me: Star?
Derek: Baby, we’re on our way back now.
Me: Okay.
Derek: You okay?
Me: I’m about to fall asleep.
Derek: See you soonest.
I cringe.
Dean likes saying that.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and lie comfortably on the
couch.
Gosh.
I must have dozed off, because I am
awakened by Derek’s lips on mine.
I moan as he plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: You need to eat, vuka.
I blink a few times and look at him in
confusion.
Me: Did you just come back?
Derek: We’ve been back for over 3 hours
now.
Me: Oh.
I sit up and stretch. He bends and plants a
kiss on my lips again.
Derek: I missed you.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I’m hungry.
He pulls me up and we walk to the dining
room. The table is set and the food is
ready. Nolwazi and Dean are there.
We sit and immediately start eating.
I look over at Dean and he seems fine.
Has he checked his phone?
Nolwazi: I need the bathroom. Please
excuse me.
We all nod and she stands and walks off.
I look at Dean sternly.
Dean: And then, wena?
Me: Dean, are you hiding something?
Dean: Huh?
They both look at me weirdly.
Me: I’m not even going to beat around the
bush, because I sense that this shit is big,
and I’m scared.
Dean: Excuse me?
Me: Are you keeping a big secret?
He glances at Derek and they continue to
look at me in confusion.
Me: Some woman called, and she said I
must tell you that she’s coming for you.
Dean: What?
Me: She said you’re going to pay for what
you did to her...
There’s silence.
An intense moment of silence.
Me: Dean, what the hell is going on??
I look at him pleadingly. I need him to tell
me that I’m overreacting.
He drinks his whiskey and looks at me
coolly.
Just then, Nolwazi comes back and sits.
Nolwazi: We need to fetch the twins
tomorrow. I miss them.
She looks at Dean, with a warm smile on
her face.
I clear my throat.
Me: Your mom is really obsessed with
them.
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: She’s taking her grandma role
too seriously.
I smile and avoid Dean’s eyes.
I don’t know what is happening, but I
need Dean to tell me, so we can make sure
that whoever this woman is doesn’t come
and ruin things for him and Nolwazi...
Gosh, here I am, involved in something
else, once again...

INSERT 156
We’re now done eating, and Derek
insisted on helping Nolwazi with the
dishes. He knows that I want to talk to
Dean privately, and nothing will stop me.
Dean walks to his study and I follow him.
Me: Dean!
I shut the door and watch as he goes to
his table, and sit on the edge. He crosses
his arms and looks at me coolly.
Me: Dean!
Dean: Yini, Ziyanda?
Me: Are you kidding me right now?
Answer my question!
Dean: What question?
Me: Who’s the woman?!
He continues looking at me
expressionlessly.
Me: Dean, I’m not dumb. Please don’t
dismiss me.
Dean: What’s the problem? What exactly
did this woman say to you?
I sigh and walk closer to him.
Me: She wanted to talk to you, and I told
her that you’re unavailable.
He nods.
Me: Thereafter, she asked if you go
around leaving your phone at your
friends’ houses... Then, she mentioned,
very coldly, that she is coming for you and
what you’ve built. She ended off by saying
that you’ll pay for what you did to her.
He keeps quiet.
We’re silent for a long minute.
He looks at me intently, as if he’s lost in
thought.
Me: Dean?
Dean: Focus on your pregnancy, Dlamini.
Me: But-
He shakes his head and looks at me
threateningly.
I keep quiet. I know not to question him
when he gives me that look.
Dean: I know you want to solve
everyone’s problems, but trust me, I’m a
big guy, and I can handle my shit.
Me: What’s happening?
He shakes his head.
Dean: Nothing hectic... That woman is my
ex, and she’s always been crazy and
delusional.
Me: Does Nolwazi know her?
Dean: Yes.
I sigh in relief. I don’t know why, but I’m
relieved that Nolwazi knows this crazy
woman. There’s nothing worse than being
in the dark when your partner’s ex is busy
trying to make a comeback.
Dean: I’ll sort it out, okay?
Me: Okay.
He smiles.
Dean: Now, forget about it and focus on
my nephew...
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Dean: I find it funny that you focus on
other people’s problems as an escape. You
don’t want to face your shit.
Me: Whatever.
Dean: How are you though? Are you
coming to terms with the pregnancy?
Me: Yes, I am... Very slowly...
He smiles.
Dean: Slowly is better that nothing.
I shrug.
Dean: I need to sleep...
Me: I need something sweet.
He sighs.
Dean: I’ve suffered enough from
Nolwazi’s pregnancy. It’s Derek’s turn
now.
We walk out of the study and make our
way to the lounge, where we find Derek.
He looks at us questioningly.
Dean: No worries.
Derek: Hmkay.
I look at Derek, and smile. I really aspire
to be like him one day. He legit has
mastered the art of minding his own
business. He only speaks when spoken to,
unlike some of us...
Anyway, I want to have sex with him now,
because I’m highly turned on by his calm
aura.
I take his hand and lead him to our room.
I’ll deal with this here craving first, then
deal with my sweet tooth later...
***
The following day, I’m up by 5am.
I’m sick, so sick.
Derek finds me in the bathroom, vomiting
my insides out.
Derek: What do you need?
I ignore him and continue vomiting. After
a while, I stand and brush my teeth. I go
back to the bedroom and throw myself on
the bed.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: What do you need?
Me: Just leave me alone, please.
He sighs as he stands.
Me: Uyaphi?
Derek: Leaving you alone.
Me: Mxm.
He walks out and I start sobbing. I hear
the door open and he walks back to the
bed.
Derek: Zi? What’s wrong?
I look at him angrily.
Me: Really? You walked out on me!
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: Just go, Derek.
He tries to say something, but stops
himself. He takes a deep breath and gets
back in bed. He pulls me closer and I place
my head on his chest. I’m glad he did the
right thing...
I immediately doze off.
***
It’s around 12pm and I’m trying to figure
out how I’m going to go to the hospital
without Derek. They all decided that
they’d have a gathering, and they’d visit
Zimi the following day.
Now, how in the world do I miss the
gathering without seeming shady?
I go to Derek, who’s getting ready in the
bedroom.
Me: Star.
Derek: Yes, baby?
Me: Niki wants to meet up with me.
Derek: Today?
I nod.
Me: She says it’s an emergency.
He raises an eyebrow.
Derek: Is she okay?
Me: I’m not sure.
Derek: Uhm, okay. I’ll take you there.
Me: No, it’s okay. I’ll get an Uber.
Derek: Ziya-
Me: Star, spend time with your friends.
Nami I miss my friend.
He’s quiet for a few seconds.
Me: I’ll be fine, man.
Derek: Okay.
Me: And, I won’t be long.
Derek: Alright then.
Me: Cool.
I walk out quickly, before he notices that
I’m lying.
I go to the kitchen and get myself a bottle
of water. I find Nolwazi there.
Me: When are you fetching the twins?
Nolwazi: I’m about to leave now.
I smile.
Nolwazi: I know for a fact that your life
will change as soon as you meet your
baby.
Me: Negatively or positively?
Nolwazi: Positively, of course.
She smiles.
Nolwazi: Nothing beats the love of a child.
Me: Hmkay.
She chuckles.
Nolwazi: You’ll see...
I sigh.
Me: See you later. I’m meeting up with
Niki.
Nolwazi: Is she still with Kwanele?
Me: Yes.
She nods.
Nolwazi: Good for them.
Me: Do you miss him?
She laughs.
Nolwazi: I have Dean... Why would I even
think of another man?
Me: Wena na.
She smiles.
Me: See you later.
Nolwazi: Do you want a lift?
Me: No, thanks.
She nods and I walk away. I go to our
bedroom and find Derek finishing up.
Me: See you later.
Derek: Okay.
I walk closer to him and we share a kiss.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
He stares at me and I swear it’s like he can
see right through me. I let go of him and
grab my bag. Me: Shap, the Uber’s here.
I walk out...
***
As soon as I get to the hospital, reality
sinks in.
I’m nervous.
Why does Zimi want to speak to me
alone?
The nurse walks me to her room and I’m
relieved when I find Zimkitha by herself.
She looks a bit better than the last time I
saw her.
Me: Hey, Zimi.
She groans as she smiles.
Zimkitha: Hello, baby.
I close the door.
Zimkitha: Come, sit close to me.
I walk to the chair close to the bed and sit.
She tries to sit up, and I stand and help
her. She hisses.
Zimkitha: My left side is killing me.
Me: Is it the most painful?
She nods and moans.
Me: Sorry.
She smiles and looks at me.
Zimkitha: Sit.
I do as I’m told.
We’re silent for a while.
Zimkitha: Between you and me, I thought
I was going to die.
Me: Was the accident that bad?
She nods.
Zimkitha: I’d never been so scared in my
life.
She takes a deep breath and closes her
eyes.
Zimkitha: I really thought I was going to
die.
I look at her nervously.
She opens her eyes.
She’s crying.
I don’t know what to do.
I take some tissue from my bag and wipe
her tears gently.
Zimkitha: I just kept thinking of all of
you... My children...
She smiles.
Zimkitha: That’s what kept me alive...
We’re quiet.
I’m scared.
I don’t want this conversation to go where
I think it’s going.
Zimkitha: There are so many things I need
to bring to light... Dying right now is not
an option for me- it would be the easy
way out.
Me: Bring to light?
She nods.
Zimkitha: I trust you, Ziyanda... As young
as you are, I trust you. For some odd
reason, you remind me of Liwa.
I keep quiet.
Zimkitha: I need your help.
I look at her intently.
We’re silent for a while.
Eventually, she begins talking...
I just... I don’t know how to feel...
I feel sick.

INSERT 157 (Short and Unedited)

I walk to the backyard and find everyone
there. It’s evident that they’re having a
good time, because the laughs are loud
and the conversations are flowing. The
large round table is filled with food and
drinks.
As soon as they see me, they exclaim.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Uhm, okay...
Why is he so cheerful?
Me: Hello, everyone.
Liwa stands and gives me a hug.
I just... Am I the only one who is confused?
The last time I saw him, he was in another
state.
They greet me back.
I feel Derek’s eyes on me.
He pats the seat next to him and I sit. He
leans closer to me and I feel his lips on my
ear.
Derek: Missed you.
Me: Missed you too.
I shift and take a glass.
Derek: Water? I nod and he pours me
some.
Derek: How’s Niki?
Me: Huh?
What is he talking about?
Derek: Niki... How is she?
Shit, konje I said I’m going to meet with
Niki.
Me: Oh, she’s fine yazi. She had a little
argument with Kwanele.
Derek: Really? What’s wrong?
Me: Hai, why are you so nosy?
Derek: Hawu, I’m just asking, baby.
I take a sip of my water.
Gabi: Ziyanda, dear, you have a lovely
glow.
Me: Excuse me?
Gabi: You’re glowing. Derek must be
treating you extra nice.
I give her the usual Caucasian smile and
drink some of my water.
Gabi: Anyway, Joey and I have an
announcement to make.
We all quieten down and look at her.
She smiles sweetly and looks at Joe.
Gabi: Joey and I are expecting our first
child!
Nandi: What? Really? Congratulations!
Nolwazi: Yaay!
Liwa: Congrats!
Gabi smiles brightly and blushes. We all
congratulate them.
Gabi: I wish Zimi was here. She’d be
thrilled.
Everyone keeps quiet.
Suddenly, the mood is sombre.
Joe: Zimkitha would hate to see us this
down... She’d want us to continue being
positive.
Malusi: And, as we’ve already seen, she’s
in a better condition.
We’re all quiet.
I want to sleep. I want to allow my mind
and body to rest.
Gabi: This is why Joey and I decided to tell
you about our pregnancy. We all need
some positive vibes right now.
I look over at Nomvuyo and she stares
right back at me.
It’s clear that she wants to leave this table.
We both stand at the same time and walk
inside the house.
Once we get to the lounge, she sits on the
couch and I sit next to her.
Me: Vuvz.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Hey.
Me: How are you?
Nomvuyo: Drained.
I nod and stare at her. We sit in silence for
a while.
Me: Uhm, how’s Zimi?
Nomvuyo: She’s much better.
Me: That’s good.
She looks at me.
Nomvuyo: And, what about you?
Me: Huh? What about me?
Nomvuyo: How are you?
I groan.
Me: I’m okay, I guess.
She looks at my belly and smiles lightly.
Me: I’m still trying to wrap my head
around it.
She smiles.
Nomvuyo: You look good.
Me: Thank you. I can’t say the same about
you.
She rolls her eyes and we chuckle.
Nomvuyo: It’s been a stressful week.
Me: We’ll get through it.
Nomvuyo: Hmm.
Just then, Liwa walks in.
Nomvuyo immediately stands.
Liwa: Baby.
Nomvuyo walks out and disappears.
What the hell just happened? Are they
fighting?
Liwa sighs as he walks closer to me.
Me: Uhm... Is everything okay?
Liwa: Not really. We’re not seeing eye to
eye right now.
Me: Oh.
Liwa: We’ll be fine.
He scratches his head and sits. Thereafter,
he pats the space next to him. I sit
hesitantly.
We’re silent. It’s not awkward, but I don’t
particularly enjoy the silence.
Liwa: So, you went to see my mother?
I look at him in shock and he smiles
lightly.
Liwa: I know...
His face changes, he’s more serious.
Liwa: Everything...
I stare at him, frozen.
The warm smile re-emerges and he stares
at me softly.
Liwa: Are you good?
I try to speak, but words fail me.
Liwa: Ziyanda?
I clear my throat.
Liwa: Are you good?
I nod.
Liwa: If you need to get anything off your
chest, I’m here.
I don’t respond.
Liwa: Okay?
I nod.
Liwa: Good.
He gives me another warm smile and then
stands. He walks out and I continue
sitting there...
***
I clearly dozed off, because when I wake
up, I am wrapped in a fleece blanket.
I finally get up and as I make my way to
the kitchen, to get myself some water, I
bump into Dean.
He looks at me blankly.
Dean: Nihamba nini? I don’t like this
roommate situation.
Me: Fuck off, idiot.
I push him away and get a bottle of water.
Dean: You okay?
Me: Ya.
He looks at me suspiciously.
Dean: You’re not still bothered by my ex,
right?
Me: I’m bothered by a lot of things right
now. Leave me alone.
Dean: What’s wrong?
Me: Pregnancy.
He chuckles as I walk away and leave him
there. I walk up the stairs and make my
way to our room. Derek is busy on his
laptop.
Me: Hey.
He looks up and smiles.
Derek: Hello, beautiful.
I take my phone from my bag. I have so
many missed calls, mostly from Niki.
I see a message from my mom saying she
misses me and that she spoke to my dad
about the pregnancy. I don’t even want to
engage right now, I’ll deal with that
another time.
Just as I’m about to put down my phone, it
rings.
Me: Shit.
Derek: Yini?
Me: It’s my dad.
Derek: What’s the problem?
Me: My mom says she told him about the
pregnancy.
He looks up from his laptop and stares at
me.
The phone continues to ring and I answer
it.
Me: Hello...
There’s silence for a few seconds.
Dad: You finally decide to answer my
phone.
I keep quiet.
Dad: I’ll be expecting you Derek here,
tomorrow morning.
Kodwa... Why?
I groan.
Dad: Bye.
Me: Bye.
He ends the call and I put down my
phone.
Derek is staring at me, very seriously.
Derek: What did he say?
Me: He wants to see us tomorrow
morning.
Derek: Shit.
I groan loudly.
Derek: Shit.
He stands and walks out.
Me: Uyaphi?? I stand and follow him.
He’s already speaking to Dean.
Dean is listening to him very attentively.
After a while, they both look at me.
Dean: Any tips on dealing with your
father?
Me: Excuse me?
Dean: I’d like to know how we can butter
him up.
Me: Dean! You are not going anywhere!
Dean: Of course I am... I need to make
sure that your father doesn’t blow things
out of proportion. You’re pregnant, not
dying.
Me: Gosh.
I walk away and go to the bedroom. I
throw myself on the bed and bury my
head on the pillow.
Soon, I feel Derek’s arms around me. I
reposition and put my head on his chest.
Me: I couldn’t read him. I think he’s angry.
Derek: Everything will be fine.
I put my head up and look at him.
Derek: The only problem is that we
waited a while to tell him. That will
definitely piss him off.
Me: I needed time.
He sighs.
We’re silent for a while.
Derek: We’ll see.
He caresses me till I fall asleep...
My mind is flooded right now.
I don’t even know how I managed to fall
asleep.

INSERT 158
The following morning, when I wake up, I
see Derek getting dressed. I blink a few
times and look at him in confusion.
Derek: Morning, love.
He bends and plants a kiss on my lips. I
push him away and he laughs.
Derek: I suggest you wake up.
Me: Ang’funi.
Derek: I’m not about to get killed by your
father. Vuka.
He pulls me up and his eyes land on my
belly, which seems to have grown.
Derek: You’re starting to show.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Your father is definitely going to
kill me.
Me: Mxm, he must get over it.
He looks at me in shock.
Me: I’m not in the best of moods.
He wraps his arms around me and
squeezes me.
Derek: Lighten up.
Me: Hmm.
He knows I hate talking before I brush my
teeth, yet he continues doing such.
I push him lightly and make my way to
the bathroom...
***
We’re now driving to Soweto. I have no
idea why Dean decided to involve himself
in this. I just want my dad to put him in
his place ngoba uphapha too much.
Dean: Dlamini, did you tell your father to
prepare some chicken for me?
I ignore him and continue browsing
through my phone.
Dean: Ye wena Dlamini.
Me: Dean, for your own sake, shut the
fuck up.
Derek chuckles quietly.
Me: Were you this forward when
Nolwazi’s father cut you to size?
Dean: Wow, low blow.
Me: Tsek.
I continue focusing on my phone and he
stops bothering me.
Eventually, we get to my house and my
mom is outside, sweeping the yard.
Mom: Heeh, long time, no see!
She walks to us and gives us hugs.
Dean: It’s been a very long time.
Mom: Angithi you’re all stuck in the
suburbs and stole my daughter.
I leave them as they continue doing the
most.
I get in the house and go straight to my
room. I can hear my dad speaking on his
phone. I think he’s in their bedroom.
I sit on my bed and say a quick prayer. I’m
really not ready to have this conversation.
I just want to go away from everyone. I
want to be alone for a very long time. I
want to gather my thoughts in peace. Is
that too much to ask?
Someone knocks on my door.
Me: Come in.
It’s my mom.
Mom: Baby, woza phela. Your father is
ready.
I roll my eyes and grunt.
Mom: Haibo, and then?
Me: Nothing.
I stand and follow her to the lounge,
where I find my dad, Derek and Dean.
Me: Hello.
My dad stares at me and his eyes
obviously land on my belly.
Dad: Hello, Ziyanda.
Me: How are you?
Dad: I’m good.
I sit next to Derek. I still can’t read my
dad’s mood.
My dad looks at Dean.
Dean: Sibalukhulu.
Dad: Ya Hlongwane.
Dean: Are you well?
Dad: Yes. Why are you here?
Dean: Uhm...
I look at Dean.
Is the arrogant idiot shaking in his boots?
Now this is worth watching!
Dean: We’re here to discuss Ziyanda’s
pregnancy.
Dad: Did you make her pregnant?
Whoaa!
Dean looks at my dad as if he’s speaking
Spanglish. Dean: I most definitely didn’t
impregnate your daughter.
Dad: Then, you can go and wait in the car
while we finish up here.
Whoaaaa!
There’s an awkward silence.
Dad: I don’t see why you thought your
presence would be needed today.
Dean looks like he’s just been slapped a
few times on the face. In fact, we all look
like we’ve been slapped, including my
mother.
Dad: You’re a friend. This is not the time
and place for your voice to be heard.
Heyiii! My father did not come to play
with us! Kuzonyiwa!
We’re all staring at my dad, waiting for
him to smile and tell us he’s joking...
He continues staring at Dean coolly.
Dean stands like a lost puppy and we
watch as he walks away. My mom stands
and follows him. She must go and comfort
him vele. I’m sure uswabe to come nice.
So, it’s just Derek, my dad and I now...
My dad looks at me.
Dad: Ready to speak?
Me: I’d like some water.
He nods.
I stand and go to the kitchen. I pour
myself a glass of water and sigh heavily.
I’m not about to let my dad stress me out.
I walk back, feeling more courageous.
I sit next to Derek and look at my dad.
Hai, all the courage I had built up, fades
away.
He’s my dad. I respect him, and I’ll always
be a child to him. This is awkward for me.
Dad: Have you quenched your thirst?
Me: Spicy much?
He keeps quiet and stares at me.
Me: I’m pregnant.
Dad: I can see.
I sigh.
Me: I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I
really didn’t need the stress.
Dad: Am I the cause of the stress?
I don’t respond.
Dad: Don’t attach me to your stress.
You’re stressed because you know that
this is not particularly right.
He looks at Derek.
Dad: And, why did you not tell me?
Derek: I was respecting Ziyanda’s request
for time.
Dad: You’re going to have to start
standing your ground.
Haibo! What is he trying to say??
Derek: With all due respect, it’s my role as
a partner, to respect Ziyanda’s wishes. I
cannot overlook her needs.
There’s silence.
Derek: Yes, we should have told you
sooner. However, Ziyanda wasn’t ready to
tell you.
Dad: Get me some water, Ziyanda.
I do as I’m told.
Dad: So, what’s the plan here?
Me: We’re going to get married. My dad
chuckles.
Dad: Hawu, nini?
Me: Before I give birth.
Dad: Really?
I nod.
Derek scratches his head.
Dad: I’m assuming you’re not happy with
that?
Derek: I’d rather we worry about that
after the baby is born.
Dad: Why is that?
Derek: Firstly, we’re too busy stressing
about moving. Secondly, there’s no time-
we have approximately four months left
till the baby is born. Lastly, I don’t think
all of this stress is good for any of us.
My dad looks at him thoughtfully.
Dad: I agree.
I look at my dad in shock.
He sighs.
Dad: We’re already doing things the
unconventional way, so we may as well
do what’s best for you.
Me: But-
Dad: And, what’s best for you is to have a
quiet pregnancy. I’d like to think you
don’t want to go through that whole
traumatic experience again?
I keep quiet.
Dad: I’d like to speak to Derek privately,
please.
Me: I’m really sorry for keeping you in the
dark.
Dad: I know. You don’t have to explain
your intention, because I know it’s never
malicious. I smile lightly.
Dad: Now, go and comfort Dean. I’m
certain he’s fuming.
I chuckle.
Me: I wish I recorded that. He’s too
forward.
My dad laughs.
Dad: Go and dress his wound.
I laugh as I walk out. I find my mom and
Dean outside, chilling by Derek’s car.
They’re laughing.
Argh, why are they laughing? I want Dean
to be sad, so I can make of him!
I get to them and my mom looks at me
expectantly.
Me: My father is a very strange man.
Mom: Angkeke um-confirm-e.
Me: He wants to speak to Star privately.
Dean hisses and I look at him amusingly.
Dean: Not now. I’m not in the mood.
I begin laughing at him.
Me: Bakuphoxe kancane.
Dean grunts.
Mom: Why are you two behaving like I
gave birth to you?
Dean: You have an annoying child.
My mom laughs.
Mom: How cute. You’re like brother and
sister.
Me: Euww, I am not related to this
arrogant man.
My mom looks at us amusingly as Dean
and I go back and forth. I exclaim as soon
as I see Lwazi approaching. She’s with her
group of friends. As soon as she sees
Derek’s car, she sprints to us and is met
by my arms.
Me: Hey, baby!
Lwazi: I missed you so much!
Me: Me too!
She squeezes me, but quickly lets go of me
a few seconds later.
Me: Yini?
Lwazi: Why is your tummy so hard,
mommy?
Me: Err...
Okay, I didn’t think about this. Lwazi is
too inquisitive and I can’t hide anything
from her.
All the while, my mom is laughing.
Mom: Ask, baby!
Lwazi looks at me worriedly.
Lwazi: Are you sick, mommy?
Me: In a way.
My mom laughs even more.
Lwazi: What’s wrong?
Me: We’ll talk later.
She nods and then focuses on Dean,
whom she loves. I’m certain she has a
crush on him...
***
So, my dad is chilled.
Why in the world did I think he’d kill me?
The man is amazing!
Derek also seems lighter. I’m not even
going to bother to find out what they
spoke about.
Right now, I need a drink. But since I can’t
drink alcohol, I’ll have food.
Dean and my mom have been having their
own DMC, while Lwazi and I caught up.
I’m not going to tell her about the
pregnancy yet...
***
As we’re driving back to Dean’s, his phone
rings.
Dean: Please answer it for me, Dlamini.
I take his phone.
Me: It’s Lwazi.
I answer it.
Me: Hey, Lwazi... Dean’s driving.
Nolwazi: Hey... Listen, please tell him to
come home.
Me: We’re on our way back. Is everything
okay?
Nolwazi: I think there was an attempted
break-in.
Me: What??
Nolwazi: I came back from my errands,
and found my other car’s windows
damaged. I haven’t gotten inside the
house, I’m a bit nervous, because I don’t
know what is going on.
Dean: Everything okay?
Me: Nolwazi says someone broke into the
house.
Dean: What? Give me the phone.
He snatches it from me and speaks to
Nolwazi.
Once he ends the call, he speeds up.
Derek: Where is she?
Dean: Told her to go to her parents’
house.
Derek: Who the fuck would such in broad
daylight? I check the time and it’s 1pm.
Vele who goes around breaking into
people’s homes in the afternoon?
Honestly!
Dean: Ntsiki.
Derek: For fuck’s sake.
Dean tightens his jaw and focuses on the
road.
I know that now is not the right time to be
curious, so I’ll ask Derek later about
Ntsiki.
Is she the infamous ex? Also, why would
she do such? Is this her way of getting
back at Dean?
So many questions, man...
INSERT 159 (Short Insert)
We get to Dean’s house.
Derek: You can’t just walk in-
Me: Derek, I love you, but now is not the
time to be logical. This psycho needs a
good beat-down. Hopefully, she’s still in
here.
Derek: I doubt she’s that dumb.
Dean walks in and I follow him.
Derek: Why can’t you be like normal
people, who don’t like putting themselves
in danger?
Me: Zip it.
We get in the house and Dean starts
searching.
Derek: She’s not in here. She would be
really stupid.
Dean: She left.
Me: How do you know for sure it’s her?
Dean: I know.
Me: Don’t you think it’s time you give me
more information? You can’t have this
crazy woman doing such!
Dean looks at Derek and there’s silence
for a while.
Dean: Ziyanda-
Me: No, I want to help you. I know you’d
also want to help if I was in a similar
position.
Derek: Let’s hope you will never be...
Me: Is it that bad? What’s going on? Are
you in the wrong? How did you-
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: I want to know!
Dean sighs heavily and stares at me.
Dean: I trust you.
Me: As you should.
Dean: But, I don’t want to put you in an
uncomfortable position.
Me: Just tell me what’s going on, and
spare me the theatrics.
Dean: Ntsiki is my ex.
Me: We’ve already established that.
Derek: Ziyanda-
He looks at me seriously.
Me: Derek, I wan-
Derek: No.
As I try to say something, he looks at me
tensely and I keep quiet.
Derek: This has nothing to do with you.
You said you want to take a nap- go
upstairs.
Whoaa!
Somehow, my stubborn self knows not to
question him right now. I want to, but I
know I can’t. I feel like a school kid.
I look at Dean softly.
Me: Good luck.
He chuckles lightly.
I walk away and leave them there. As
soon as I throw myself on the bed, part of
me wants to creep out and eavesdrop on
the conversation, but I stop myself. I don’t
Derek to give me that strange look of his.
***
When I wake up, Derek’s head is on my
boobs. I wiggle my way out of his embrace
and go to the bathroom. Once I’m done, I
make my way downstairs to the lounge
and I find Nolwazi, watching a cooking
show. She seems to love doing this in the
middle of the night. I sit next to her and
we share a blanket.
Me: How are you?
Nolwazi: I’m good.
Me: How do you feel about the break-in
situation?
Nolwazi: I’m very uncomfortable. My dad
is going to tighten our security.
Me: How did he react?
Nolwazi: He’s pissed, and of course he
blames Dean for not securing the house.
I sigh.
Me: Our fathers are bit dramatic at times.
She chuckles.
Nolwazi: I’m just glad I wasn’t here with
the twins.
Me: Thank God.
We focus on the TV for a long time.
Me: Has Dean calmed down?
Nolwazi: He’s still in his angry zone.
Me: Eish.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: At least no one got hurt.
Me: Hmm... I just wonder who would do
such in broad daylight.
I’m channelling my inner Nomvuyo right
now. I love me a good goss.
Nolwazi: Probably some randome
criminal...
Me: Hmm.
Just then, Dean emerges. Nolwazi looks up
at him and smiles.
Nolwazi: Oh, hey. I couldn’t sleep.
Dean: Woza.
Nolwazi: Okay.
Dean walks off.
Nolwazi: Love, I’ll see you in the morning.
Me: Alright.
She stands and disappears as well.
I get why she likes Dean. I just wouldn’t
cope with him in a romantic relationship.
We’re too similar.
Anyway, I continue watching this food
channel, and my taste buds immediately
blossom. I go to the kitchen and make
myself muesli and yogurt.
It’s now around 2am.
As I’m stuffing my face, Derek walks in the
kitchen, yawning.
Derek: Your absence woke me up...
Everything okay?
Me: Uh-huh.
He watches as I finish up my muesli. We
walk to the lounge and I switch off the TV.
When we get to the bedroom, he pulls me
closer and places his head on my boobs
once again.
***
The following Monday, Derek has to
attend a meeting with some white guy
who wants to be part of the school.
Me: Don’t take anything he has to offer.
We don’t want white people in this
project.
He laughs.
Me: You laugh, but I’m serious. This is a
black-owned school. We don’t need them
people.
Derek: I’ll keep that in mind.
Me: Good.
Derek: What are your plans for today?
Me: I’m going to take myself out.
Derek: Alright. You must text me.
Me: Yes, sir.
We share a kiss.
Me: Bye, Nkanyi.
Derek: Bye, baby.
He leaves the house...
Gosh, I can finally go see Zimkitha.
***
When I get to Zimkitha’s room, I find her
sitting up.
Me: Hello.
She smiles warmly and opens up her
arms.
She has made lots of progress. She should
be discharged soon.
Zimkitha: Come give me a hug.
I walk closer to her and hug her carefully.
Zimkitha: My left side is still killing me.
I don’t say anything.
She looks at me intently as I sit on the
chair close to the bed.
Zimkitha: What’s wrong?
Me: I want you tell me about Dean’s ex.
Zimkitha: Dean’s ex?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Why? Is there a problem?
Me: I know you know everything. Who is
Ntsiki?
I stare at her, trying to figure out her
mood, but as usual, she’s calm and
collected.
Zimkitha: Ntsiki?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Hmm.
Me: Zimkitha.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: Relax, love. Why don’t you have
some of my food?
Me: I’m good, thanks.
I continue staring at her.
Zimkitha: How do you know Ntsiki?
Me: She seems to be causing problems for
Dean lately.
Zimkitha: Problems? She looks at me
more seriously.
I tell her about the call and yesterday’s
car situation.
She looks at me in slight disbelief.
Zimkitha: Did Dean confirm that she’s the
one who broke into the house?
I shrug.
She sighs heavily.
Me: What’s going on??
Zimkitha: Nothin-
Me: Zimkitha!
She looks at me in shock.
Me: Stop this! These secrets are not good!
They could ruin this entire unit you’ve
managed to build!
She stares at me for a very long time.
She sighs.
Zimkitha: Ntsiki was pregnant with
Dean’s child.
Me: WHAT?!
She sighs once again.
Zimkitha: I’m not going to give you all the
details.
I give her a threatening look.
Zimkitha: She had an abortion.
I look at her in shock.
Me: Why??
She keeps quiet.
Me: Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: She drugged Dean and basically
raped him.
My jaw drops.
Zimkitha: Listen here, Ziyanda. This has
nothing to do with you. Nolwazi is still in
the dark, therefore, you cannot get
involved.
I nod slowly.
Zimkitha: Do you understand me?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like
you to excuse me. I need to sleep and
gather my thoughts.
Me: Oh.
I stand.
Zimkitha: I’ll see you once I’ve been
discharged.
Me: Okay.
She stares at me.
Zimkitha: I trust you.
We stare at each other for a while and I
eventually nod.
Me: Bye.
Zimkitha: Bye, love. Take care.
I walk out and request an Uber.
I definitely need this spa day.

INSERT 160 (Unedited)

The past 4 hours have been relaxing. I got
pampered, and managed to calm my
overwhelming thoughts. I decide to go to
Paul’s ice-cream for some homemade ice-
cream. My phone rings and it’s Derek,
who has been calling me every 30
minutes.
Me: Nkanyezi?
Derek: I’ve just arrived home.
Me: Oh, alright.
Derek: However, I have to go meet a few
more investors in Cape Town.
Me: What??
Derek: For a week.
Me: Huh?!
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: How the hell am I going to survive 7
days without you??
Derek: You can come with...
Me: Ah, you won’t have time for me, so I
may as well stay here.
Derek: Come home, so we can talk.
Me: Okay.
I end the call and request an Uber.
***
When I get home, Nolwazi and Dean are
at work. Derek is packing in the bedroom.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Hey, baby.
We share a hug and kiss.
Me: So zikhiphani?
Derek: The white guy-
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Derek: He has connected me with a few
more people who want to invest.
Me: Invest? Derek you have enough
money to run this school by yourself.
Derek: I know, I just want to hear them
out.
I groan.
Me: Manje you’re leaving for 7 days?
He nods.
Me: Must be nice.
Derek: Come with me.
I shake my head.
Me: I want to stay here... I could use some
personal space.
Derek: You sure?
Me: Yep.
Derek: And, you’re not going to cause any
trouble?
Me: I won’t!
He looks at me suspiciously.
Me: For real.
Derek: Hmkay. You and I will have a big
problem if you don’t stick to your word.
Me: Wowzer.
Derek: Help me pack.
Me: Alrighty.
***
I’ve been asked to babysit the megabytes.
Thankfully, they’re well-behaved. As
they’re sleeping in their room, I’m in the
lounge, jamming to Lauryn Hill. Derek left,
and as much as I love him, I’m more than
happy that he won’t be around for a few
days. I need some Ziyanda time.
As for this issue with Dean and his ex, I’m
not going to say anything. It’s definitely a
bit awkward, because I know the truth,
but Dean will have to handle that by
himself.
Just then, my jam session is interrupted
by my phone ringing.
It’s Dean.
Me: Hello?
Dean: Nolwazi and I have a late meeting.
I’m not sure when we’ll be back.
Me: Alright. Is it a dinner meeting?
Dean: Yes.
Me: Manje what am I going to eat?
Dean: Make a plan.
I groan.
Me: I’ll have last night’s leftovers.
Dean: I don’t give a shit.
Me: Wow.
Dean: See you later.
Me: Shap.
I hang up.
He’s been moody since yesterday. I’ve
been giving him space. He’ll come around
when he feels better.
***
It’s now around 7pm and I’ve fed the
megabytes. They’re chilling with me in
the lounge, and we’re watching Little
Women.
Derek texts me and lets me know that he
arrived safely. I think I’ve been trying to
ignore this Dean thing, but it’s really been
flooding my mind.
How the hell did this Ntsiki woman rape
him? Is that why Dean behaves so
aggressively? Shit, and this pregnancy...
So, she raped Dean and then fell
pregnant? Is that what she wanted? But
then, if she wanted to be pregnant and get
back with Dean, why the hell would she
have an abortion?
I have so many questions.
Beyond all of these questions, is my
natural instinct to solve. I can’t help but
want to solve all of this. I really hope this
woman is going through some phase, and
won’t drag this out. I don’t want anyone
to get hurt here.
Simo has been well-behaved tonight. She
realised that I pay more attention to
Khulekani, because he is quiet. So, all in
all, we’ve had a very peaceful night.
Khulekani is asleep on the couch, but
Simo still wants me to entertain her.
Me: I need to pee.
She pouts and speaks this language of
hers.
Me: I’ll be back.
I put her down and she squirms.
I then rush to the bathroom and pee...
Before I leave the bathroom, I get a
glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stare at
my belly and sigh.
I don’t know when I’m going to feel
genuinely happy about this pregnancy.
I walk out.
As soon as I get to the lounge, my eyes
pop out.
Me: Who the fuck are you?!
This woman is standing over the
megabytes.
Woman: Don’t you dare come closer!
Fight or flight?
Definitely fight. Till the very end. I rush to
her and before she can move, I push her
away from the babies.
This has to be Ntsiki.
Who else would it be??
We’re now on the floor, tangled in each
other’s arms. I try to wrap my arm around
her neck, but she is too strong for my
liking.
Ntsiki: Leave me the fuck alone!
I try my best to gather all my strength and
I manage to wrap my arm around her
neck. She tries kicking and moving, but I
manage to reposition so that I am on my
knees, while she’s half-lying on the floor.
I don’t know how I’m going to get her out
of here.
Out of nowhere, I feel the most piercing
pain I’ve ever felt, on my thigh.
I tighten my hold against her neck and she
groans. She can’t speak now, because
she’s gasping for air. I continue tightening
my hold. I’ll strange her to death if I have
to.
Here’s that pain again.
As soon as I see blood, my vision gets
blurry.
Is it what I think it is?
Am I having another miscarriage?
The pain hits me again, and I try to keep
strong, but I’m confused and scared.
For a second, I forget that I’m trying to
deal with this psycho.
She senses this, and within a few seconds,
she manages to go free. I look down and
see the blood on my lap.
As soon as I see her bending over Simo, I
quickly stand. I grab the plate on the table
and hit her with it- straight on the head.
She lets out a loud scream.
At this point, the twins are screaming and
crying for dear life.
Ntsiki: You fucken bitch! She turns
around and I punch her as hard as I can-
on the stomach. She loses her balance,
and almost falls on Khulekani, but I grab
her.
Instead of tumbling to the floor, she holds
on to me and I lose my balance- we both
fall.
Before I can stand, she’s already up.
I feel another piecing pain, but this time,
on my stomach. I let out a scream.
I try to stand, but I blackout as she throws
something and it hits my head.
***
I blink a few times.
I try to move, but the pain is torturous.
I touch my belly.
The right side seems fine...
The left side is where the pain is.
I take a deep breath and try to sit up. My
left thigh is pounding.
I let out a cry, and continue trying to sit
up.
My eyes shoot out as I see all the blood.
I begin crying.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this in my
entire life.
I can’t lose another baby, I can’t. Why
would God allow this to happen to me
again?
I drag myself to the couch. I extend my
hand and search for my phone.
Khulekani’s cries begin to match mine.
I can’t stop wailing.
I finally find my phone, and I dial Dean’s
number.
It rings for a while, and he eventually
answers.
Dean: Dlamini, we’re on our way-
Me: Dean!
I cry even more.
Dean: Ziyanda? What the fuck is going on?
Me: Come back! Come back, please!
Dean: Ziyanda??
Me: Ntsiki... She was here-
Dean: WHAT?!
I look at the blood.
Me: Blood... There’s blood everywhere! I
lost my baby!
Dean: Ziyanda.
Me: I lost my baby, Dean! I lost my baby!
I begin to hyperventilate. I can’t breathe.
The smell of the blood is making me
nauseous.
Why isn’t Simo crying?
Where is she?
Me: Simo!
I put down the phone and try to stand, but
I can’t.
I feel a piercing buzz throughout my body.
I take more deep breaths...
I try to stand, but end up blacking out
once again.

INSERT 161 (Unedited)

I feel someone’s hand brushing mine. I try
to open my eyes, but they’re heavy.
I blink a couple of times and the bright
light hurts me eyes. I groan and
immediately hear people speaking.
My throat is dry. I need water.
Person: Zi...
She repeats my name.
Nomvuyo.
I open my eyes and blink a few more
times.
Nomvuyo is staring at me worriedly.
Nomvuyo: Baby.
I groan.
Nomvuyo: What’s wrong?
I clear my throat.
Nomvuyo quickly gets water and she
helps me drink it with a straw.
I feel much better.
I clear my throat once again.
Me: What’s going on?
I try to sit up, but struggle. My body feels
heavy.
Nomvuyo: Baby, relax.
Me: What’s wrong?
I look around the room.
Liwa is here.
Nomvuyo: You’re in hospital.
Me: Hospital? There’s silence.
I close my eyes and allow my mind to
trace back what happened. I immediately
shiver as I recall my fight with Ntsiki.
Nomvuyo: Zi, calm down.
Me: She was in the house! She was in the
house!
I start crying as I remember all the blood-
the revolting smell.
Nomvuyo: Zi!
I hyperventilate.
Me: My baby! I lost my baby! There was
blood!
Before I know it, the doctor is next to me,
telling me to calm down.
Me: My baby! I lost my baby!
Doctor: Ziyanda...
I continue crying.
Doctor: Hey, Ziyanda...
She takes my hands.
Me: I can’t afford to go through another
miscarriage. I haven’t recovered, that
miscarriage still haunts me.
I continue crying.
Me: I know I didn’t want the baby, but
losing it? I didn’t want to lose it. I don’t
know how I’m going to get through this.
I look at Nomvuyo.
Me: I need Derek! Please get Derek!
At this point, I feel like dying.
I don’t even want to touch my belly.
Doctor: Ziyanda.
Nomvuyo: Zi, I need you to focus on my
voice.
I shake my head.
Me: I need Derek, please!
Nomvuyo: Zi...
I look at her.
She’s teary-eyed.
Me: I can’t go through this again, Vuvu. I
can’t.
Nomvuyo: Zi, you didn’t lose the baby.
My heart stops beating as I stare at her.
Nomvuyo: You didn’t lose the baby. She
didn’t stab you deeply on your stomach.
However, she did do more damage on
your left thigh- she stabbed you twice
there.
What is she saying?
She wipes her tears and smiles.
Nomvuyo: Your baby is fine. You are fine.
Me: I didn’t lose the baby?
She nods.
Me: The baby is still alive?
She nods and smiles.
Me: My baby didn’t die?
Nomvuyo: Your baby is perfectly fine.
I stare at her and there’s silence in the
room.
As soon as I exhale, I start crying all over
again.
I’m overwhelmed.
Nomvuyo: Ah, my love... She wraps her
arms around me and I continue crying.
Me: So, I didn’t lose my baby?
Nomvuyo: No, you didn’t.
Me: My baby is fine?
Nomvuyo: Perfectly fine.
I continue crying, but this time around, I
feel like a huge load has been lifted off my
shoulders.
She comforts me till I manage to calm
down.
Me: I need Derek.
She lets go of me.
Nomvuyo: He’s only arriving in the
afternoon.
Me: What time is it?
Nomvuyo: It’s 6am.
Me: Oh.
I look around.
Liwa looks stone-faced.
He walks to me and smiles lightly.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini.
Me: Hello, Liwa.
Liwa: How are you feeling?
Me: I don’t know.
He chuckles.
Me: I’d like to speak to Derek.
Liwa: He’s been waiting for you to wake
up. He takes out his phone.
Liwa: I need you to reassure him that
you’re fine. He is freaking the fuck out.
Me: Okay.
He dials his number and then gives it to
me.
It rings twice, before he answers.
Derek: Liwa.
I sigh.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Hey.
He is silent.
Me: I’m fine.
Derek: Video call me. I want to see you.
Me: Okay.
He sighs before ending the call.
Liwa: How is he?
Me: I can’t read him.
Liwa: Just don’t let him think you’re in a
really bad state. Can you imagine how
stressed he is that he’s not physically
here?
I nod lightly as I call him again.
He answers instantly.
He’s in his hotel room.
Me: When are you getting here?
Derek: I should be there around 1pm.
Me: Okay.
He stares at me.
Me: I’m fine.
Derek: Are you in pain?
I shake my head.
Me: Not really. I just woke up now.
Derek: Are you going to do an ultrasound?
Me: Yes.
Derek: And your thigh? How is it?
Me: I can’t really feel anything right now.
He doesn’t say anything.
I’m really struggling to read him.
However, because I’ve come to know him,
I know he’s trying to be cool. He knows
very well that I feed off his energy, and if
he freaks out, I’ll absorb that and freak
out 10 times more.
Me: I’m okay, Star.
I smile, and he remains unfazed.
He is angry.
He is angry, and there’s nothing I can do.
The doctor clears her throat.
Doctor: I’d like to check you now, please.
Me: Oh.
I look at Derek.
Me: I’ll call you back.
Derek: Okay.
Me: I love you.
He sighs.
Derek: I love you too.
Me: Bye.
Derek: Bye.
He hangs up and I look at Liwa and
Nomvuyo.
Me: He’s pissed.
Liwa: Dean is the last person he needs to
see when he arrives.
Dean.
Shit!
Me: Simo!
My heart begins pounding and I stare at
them in shock.
Me: Ntsiki took Simo!
Liwa scratches his head and Nomvuyo
sits.
Liwa: Yes, she took Simo.
Me: Where’s Dean?? Nolwazi??
Liwa: They left an hour ago.
I groan.
Me: We have to find Simo!
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda, I need you to calm
down and focus on yourself right now.
Focus on yourself, and your baby.
I look at her.
Nomvuyo: You need to check yourself
right now. Don’t allow yourself to stress
too much.
She looks at the doctor.
Nomvuyo: Please do the ultrasound.
Doctor: Alright.
Me: I want to stand and take a walk first.
My legs are too numb.
Doctor: 5 minutes.
Me: Okay.
Nomvuyo removes the cover and Liwa
gets closer to me. He helps me stand and I
wince as my legs tingle.
Me: I think the meds or whatever, are
wearing off. I feel achy.
Doctor: Take it easy.
Me: Okay.
I begin taking small steps.
Doctor: How’s the thigh?
Me: It’s okay.
Doctor: 5 minutes.
She walks out.
I rub my belly and exhale as soon as I feel
it. I don’t think I’ve ever been this relieved
in my life.
Just then, the door opens, and my mom
and dad walk in.
Oh my goodness.
Where do I start with them?
Mom: Zizi!
She walks to me and hugs me carefully.
Me: Hello, ma.
I look at my dad and he smiles.
Dad: How are you?
Me: I’m okay.
I share a hug with him.
Me: I’m starting to feel the pain in my
thigh.
Mom: Eish kodwa Ziyanda... You need to
stop being so careless.
Me: Careless?
Mom: I just don’t understand why you
would try cooking, when you know you
can’t function in a kitchen.
Whoa, what’s happening?
Nomvuyo: You know how she gets when
she’s in her zone. I don’t know why she
started cooking without supervision.
What the hell is going on?
Dad: Well, now that we’re sure you’re
okay, we can leave now...
Me: Oh. Okay.
They give me hugs.
Mom: You are banned from the kitchen,
young lady!
I chuckle nervously.
Me: Uhm, goodbye.
They say goodbye and I watch them walk
out.
As soon as the door is closed, I stare at
Nomvuyo and Liwa.
Me: What the fuck??
Liwa: Your parents do not need to know
the truth.
I try to say something, but I’m speechless.
Liwa: You were cooking, you tripped, you
fell, and you broke your leg.
Me: What?? That doesn’t even make
sense!
Liwa: Well, that’s what happened. Roll
with it.
With that said, he gives me a smile and
walks out.
I stare at Nomvuyo in shock and she
shrugs.
Seconds later, the doctor walks in and
smiles.
Doctor: Ready for the ultrasound?
Me: Uhm, yes.
Doctor: Alright then...
I go back to my bed and Nomvuyo helps
me sit.
I need Derek.
My anxiety is brewing...
I’m trying my best not to lose it right now.
INSERT 162 (Unedited)
I spent the rest of the morning sleeping-
that was the only way I could deal with
the anxiety.
I tried contacting Dean, but he didn’t
answer my calls, which is understandable.
I just feel useless right now. I want to be
there for him and Lwazi.
I wake up around 12pm and find
Nomvuyo there.
Me: You can go home now, I’m fine.
She rolls her eyes.
Nomvuyo: Derek would kill me if I left you
alone.
I sigh.
Nomvuyo: He says there was a delay with
his flight.
Me: Are you serious? She nods.
Me: I’m not even surprised. The Universe
does the most when it comes to me.
Nomvuyo: Are you feeling better though?
Me: I’m okay. I’m just worried about Dean
and Nolwazi. I can’t begin to imagine how
they feel right now.
Nomvuyo: We’ll find Simo…
There way she says it, makes me believe
that we will find her. She seems sure.
Nomvuyo: Stupid woman… Does she
think she’s going to hide forever?
Me: You knew about her?
Nomvuyo: I decided to exclude myself
from the situation. I don’t know the full
details.
Me: Hmm.
Nomvuyo: There are so many
unanswered questions right now. Nolwazi
is going crazy. Me: And Dean?
She shrugs.
Me: That bad?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: We’ll find Simo…
Me: I hope so.
Nomvuyo: Go clean yourself up.
I walk to the bathroom…
***
When I walk back in my room, I find Liwa
and Zimkitha.
I don’t know why I’m shocked to see
Zimkitha, but I am…
Zimkitha: Hello, baby.
Me: Hi.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
I smile and he smiles back. He is back to
his usual bubbly self, and I must admit
that I’m finding it weird. Why is he so
chirpy, when we’re dealing with such a
horrible thing?
Zimkitha: How are you, physically?
Me: I’m okay.
Zimkitha: Pains?
I shake my head.
Me: Just aches, nothing hectic.
She smiles.
Zimkitha: Good. How is my grandchild?
Me: The baby is fine.
She stares at me.
Zimkitha: Vuvu tells me you were
emotional at the thought of losing the
baby.
I keep quiet. How am I supposed to
respond to that? Of course I was
emotional. That shit was traumatising and
triggering.
Zimkitha: I’m glad you’re fine…
She smiles sweetly and I sit on my bed.
Zimkitha: So, Ntsiki was there?
Me: I assume it was her… from what I
knew.
Liwa: I’m quite appalled that Zimkitha
would even let you in on all of this.
Zimkitha: Liwa, she left me no choice!
Have you ever been cornered by this girl?
Liwa looks at me amusingly.
Liwa: You know how to get people to do
what you want?
Me: You don’t have to phrase it like that.
Liwa: She shouldn’t have told you
anything.
Me: Well, we can’t waste time reminiscing
about what could have been, can we?
Liwa: Feisty much?
Me: We need to find that psycho!
Liwa: Don’t worry about that. She won’t
hide forever.
Me: How do you know?! That woman is
crazy! No one knows what she’s capable
of!
Liwa: Ziyanda.
He looks at me seriously.
Liwa: Focus on yourself, and your baby.
Me: Oh, please. Spare me the scare tactics.
Dean and Lwazi’s child is missing, and I
was there when it happened. I will not sit
here and pretend as if none of that
happened!
Zimkitha sighs.
Zimkitha: We’ll find Ntsiki.
Me: How? What are you doing to find her?
Have you contacted the police?
Zimkitha: Trust-
Me: No, Zimkitha, I do not trust any of
you. Dean should have dealt with that
woman a long time ago. Why would he
even hide that fact that she drugged and
assaulted him? None of this is his fault,
but his dishonesty is what will make him
lose Nolwazi! That woman kidnapped
their child! Why are you both sitting here
as if we’re getting a visit from the
president??
They stare at me.
Me: Do you understand how crazy it will
be once you tell Nolwazi the reasoning
behind the kidnap? What the hell is
wrong with you people? You keep saying
you’re a close unit, but what about all
these insane secrets?? Who the fuck does
that??
They keep quiet.
Me: I don’t understand any of you,
honestly. This is not healthy. Nolwazi
deserves to know the truth. I stare at
Zimkitha.
Me: Everyone deserves to know the truth,
Zimkitha.
Just then, the door opens.
Dean.
I immediately walk to him.
I know he hates hugs, but I go in for one.
He doesn’t hug me back.
I look at him.
I’ve never seen him like this.
I let go of him.
He stares at Liwa and Zimkitha and they
immediately stand. Dean and I move out
of the way and I watch as they walk out
and close the door.
Dean then stares at me.
I can’t read him properly. He’s cold.
Me: Dean?
I don’t know why I’m getting emotional,
but I can’t seem to help it. My heart goes
out to him.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I’m okay.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: My leg is the problem, but it’s not that
bad.
He looks at my belly.
Me: We’re fine.
He lets out a low chuckle.
Me: Yes, you heard me right.
Dean: Sit.
I walk back to my bed and sit, and he
follows and sits next to me.
Dean: I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay.
Dean: Derek is going to kill me.
Me: Definitely.
He looks at me.
Dean: I won’t fight back… I’ll let him beat
me.
I laugh.
Me: Your ego will never let anyone beat
you.
We’re silent for a while.
Me: Nolwazi?
Dean: With Mdu.
Me: Where are her parents?
Dean: Vacation…
Me: Did you tell them?
He shakes his head.
Me: Dean-
Dean: I’ll find Ntsiki.
Me: So, we’re supposed to hide this as if
we’re the ones in the wrong?
He looks at me.
Me: When are you planning on telling
Lwazi? She needs to know.
He doesn’t say anything. I shake my head
and we’re silent once again.
Dean: I fucked up.
I keep quiet.
Dean: I’m going to kill Ntsiki.
I look at him sharply. I feel like he means
that… But then again, he’s an emotional
mess.
Dean: She took my child…
He is deep in thought at this point.
Dean: She took my fucken child…
He stands and I also stand. I don't want
him to leave. I want all of this to sink in
and for him to deal with his emotions
accordingly.
Also, I’d rather be with him than those
two weirdos, Zimkitha and Liwa.
Dean: She took my fucken child, and
almost killed you…
Me: I’m fine, Dean, I promise.
I step closer to him and open my arms.
Me: I know you hate hugs…
He nods and I step even closer till our
bodies are touching. I wrap my arms
around him and he does the same.
Dean: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m not angry. I’m worried.
Dean: I’ll find Ntsiki.
Out of nowhere, the door bursts open, and
before I can even process anything, Dean
is no longer in my arms.
I watch in horror as Derek pushes him
against the wall and punches him
countless times.
I’m frozen.
Zimkitha staggers in and yells for Derek
to stop. Where is Liwa? I spot him
standing coolly by the door.
Zimkitha: Liwa, stop them!
Liwa: No. Dean deserves this shit.
More than anything, I am traumatised by
Derek.
I thought I had seen it all.
Zimkitha: Derek, stop!
Dean is now pressed on the ground, and
his face is smashed with punches. He’s not
doing anything.
Somehow, my senses come back.
I ask Derek to stop, but he continues.
Me: Derek!
Out of nowhere, Dean manages to push
Derek away, and stands.
Instead of asking Derek to stop, he throws
a punch and it lands on Derek’s face.
What the fuck?
This infuriates Derek even more. He
throws a punch on Dean’s stomach.
Dean staggers and loses his balance.
Before we all know it, Dean’s pressed on
the floor again and he’s being punched
like never before.
Me: Liwa, stop this!
Liwa shakes his head.
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you??
I walk closer to Derek, and attempt to
touch his shoulder, but he pushes me
away, quite intensely, and I stumble.
Me: Derek, what the hell?!
Derek: Ziyanda?
He immediately stops punching Dean.
I thought my leg was fine, but now the
pain seems to have risen suddenly.
Just as he is about to come to me, two
white security guards rush in.
They go straight to Derek and grab him.
They instantly drag him out and
disappear…
There’s silence in the room.
I stare at Dean as he gets up. His face is
bloody.
He wipes his mouth and nose and looks at
Liwa, who is now sitting on my bed.
Liwa shrugs as Dean storms out.
I honestly have no idea how we’re going
to get through this.
INSERT 163 (Unedited)
Me: Are you fucking kidding me right
now, Liwa?!
Liwa looks at me coolly.
Me: What is wrong with you??
I look at Zimkitha, who is sobbing.
Me: You need to sort this out, Zimkitha.
She looks at me.
Me: Sort this out!
Liwa: Hey, take it easy.
Me: Mxm. Please get out.
Liwa stands.
Zimkitha: Ziya-
Liwa: Mama.
Zimkitha looks at Liwa.
Liwa: Let’s give her space.
He takes her hand and they walk out.
As soon as the door is closed, I sit on my
bed and focus on my breathing.
I am ready to leave this place. I want to
help find Simo. I want to be there for
Nolwazi.
After a few minutes, the door opens and
Derek walks in.
Derek: Get your shit. We’re leaving.
Did I miss something? What’s going on?
Derek: Ziyanda. Get your-
Me: Excuse me? Are you fucking kidding
me right now?
He is silent for a while.
I watch him go from being pissed, to being
calmer- not fully calm, but better than
how he was.
He looks at me softly.
Derek: I don’t want to think about what
could have happened to you, Ziyanda. My
heart can’t take that shit.
I sigh.
Me: Please hold me for a sec?
He sighs and steps closer to me. I get off
the bed and dive into his arms. As soon as
I’m embraced, the tears flow like never
before. I cry so intensely, that I forget
where I am for a while.
Eventually, I calm down and he continues
holding me.
Me: I thought I lost the baby. I feel his
body tense up.
I put my face up and look at him.
Me: It took this incident for me to realise
the value of our baby. I’m sorry for taking
this long to accept our situation.
I see a smile somewhere in there, despite
his obvious fury.
Me: The thought of losing the baby almost
killed me. I couldn’t handle it, Derek.
Derek: The thought of losing you almost
killed me.
Me: I wasn’t about to go out like that.
He chuckles.
Me: So, you were more worried about me
than the baby?
Derek: What kind of a question is that?
You’re my world, Ziyanda.
I stare at him.
Me: I love you.
Derek: I love you too. I’m sorry for not
being there.
Me: Don’t blame yourself, please. No one
could have stopped this.
He tightens his jaw and I look at him
carefully.
Me: Derek... Come on...
Derek: Dean was supposed to deal with
this shit a long time ago. You cannot
expect me to hug him right now.
Me: His daughter is missing, Derek... Can’t
you practise a little empathy?
Derek: I almost lost you and my child,
because of someone else’s carelessness.
I sigh.
Derek: Your parents?
Me: Liwa made up some floozy story
about me tripping while attempting to
cook.
Derek: And they bought it?
I nod and he shakes his head.
Derek: Do you see how fucked up this is?
Now we have to lie, just to cover up more
lies?
I keep quiet.
Derek: I don’t lie, Ziyanda. I hate
dishonesty. I try my best to live a truthful
life, and this right here is fucking
everything up. What will your parents say
when they find out the truth? How the
hell am I supposed to explain all of this to
them?
Me: I understand.
Derek: You don’t.
I sigh.
Me: We need to focus on what is
happening right now: I am well, the baby
is well, but Simo has been kidnapped.
Dean needs us right now, he may not
express it, but he needs us.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I need you to calm down, please.
He doesn’t say anything.
I get closer to his face, and place my lips
on his.
Me: Please?
We share a gentle kiss and I feel his body
loosen up. We continue kissing till we’re
both panting.
Sex is the perfect way for him to get rid of
all this anger and drama, but now is not
the time, and this hospital room is
definitely not the place...
The door opens and Zimkitha walks in.
Derek: Zim-
Zimkitha: Shut up, and sit down.
Yoh.
Derek lets go of me and we both stare at
Zimkitha. The tears are gone with the
wind, she seems angry. Soon, Liwa and
Dean are in the room, and they’re all
sitting down.
Zimkitha: Sit down, Derek.
Derek and I sit on the bed.
She sits as well and looks at the guys.
Liwa clears his throat.
Liwa: Who’ll go first?
Silence.
Liwa: Alright then...
Just like that, they start playing Rock-
Paper-Scissors.
What the hell?
I didn’t even know that the game could be
played by three people, but they do it.
Dean and Derek both play rocks, while
Liwa plays the scissors.
Liwa: Hmkay... So, I go first.
I have no idea what the hell just
happened.
Liwa: This is beyond fucked up.
He looks at Dean.
Liwa: What the fuck happened to
tightening security?
Dean looks down.
Liwa: You’re an idiot. Why the hell would
you leave Ziyanda all alone with the kids,
knowing very well that you still needed to
work on security?
Dean tries to say something.
Liwa: And you...
He looks at Derek.
Liwa: You didn’t beat him hard enough.
One of his limbs should be broken.
Derek doesn’t say anything.
Liwa: Dean, you were careless. Ziyanda
could have lost her life and her baby.
I want to speak, but I’m speechless.
I’ve never seen anything like this.
Liwa: I’ve said my peace...
Derek and Dean then play their version of
Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Dean plays the scissors, and Derek plays
the paper.
Derek: Fuck you, Dean.
Dean looks at him.
Derek: Fuck you, for putting my family in
danger. And fuck you for putting your
family in danger.
I feel like they’re being too hard on Dean,
but I can’t say anything ngoba they’ll cut
me to size.
Derek: This situation could have ended
differently. How many times did I tell you
to deal with this woman?
Dean doesn’t say anything.
Derek: We’ve never sugar-coated
anything, and we won’t start now. Your
dumb ass could have prevented all of this.
Liwa: Very dumb ass.
Yhu I feel bad for Dean.
Derek: I don’t know what I would have
done if Ziyanda was dead.
Liwa: Ya, well, she’s okay, so your
dramatic ass needs to let this shit go now.
I’m so confused. I’ve never seen such.
Dean: My daughter is missing...
There’s an intense silence.
Dean: My fucken daughter is missing...
Liwa: We’ll find her.
Dean: I’ll kill that bitch.
Liwa: Of course.
Zimkitha: I gave that rapist a second
chance, and she double-crossed me. The
only person who has the right to kill her
here is me.
Heyi!!
Me: We’re all speaking hypothetically,
right?
Liwa: Definitely, Ziyanda. None of this is
literal.
I look at Derek worriedly.
Dean: I’m sorry for putting your life in
danger, Dlamini.
I look at him and smile.
Me: I’m fine. Can we stop focusing on me?
Zimkitha: I have organised a lovely dinner
for us... Let’s get going.
Me: Dinner?
She looks at me sweetly.
Zimkitha: Would you rather stay here, Zi?
Me: Am I discharged??
She nods.
Me: Oh... Let’s go.
She laughs and then looks at Dean.
Zimkitha: I always keep my promises. We
will find Simo, and this will never happen
again.
With that said, she walks out.
Liwa: Ready to hug it out?
Derek: No, I’m still pissed. Give me a
minute.
Dean walks out.
Liwa: Don’t drag this out, Ngidi.
Derek: This better be a wake-up call for
him. I’ve warned him too many times
about this woman...
Me: Derek, come on...
Derek: I’d like some time with Ziyanda for
a sec... We’ll meet you for dinner, Liwa.
Liwa nods and walks out.
I’m confused and relieved at the same
time.

INSERT 164
We’re now making our way to Liwa,
Nomvuyo and Zimkitha’s house.
To be honest, I’d rather not be around
these people (Liwa and Zimkitha), but at
the same time, I want to be there for
Dean.
Derek: We don’t have to go to this dinner.
Me: It’s okay. Dean needs us.
He glances at me.
Derek: You’re strange.
Me: Why?
Derek: You were attacked. How are you
this calm?
Me: I don’t have time to freak out right
now. It’s no longer about me, because I’m
safe. We need to find Simo.
Derek: I’m beyond pissed.
Me: You have to get over it, Star.
He shakes his head.
Derek: You don’t understand how I felt. I
thought I lost you.
Me: Who told you, anyway?
Derek: Liwa.
Me: I’m sure he was blunt.
He chuckles.
Derek: I’ve told you this before… Liwa is
sweet and bubbly, but he has a very cold
side.
Me: I’ve seen a glimpse.
He chuckles.
Me: Him and his mother freak me out.
Derek: They’re just overprotective.
Me: But, they have this weird obsession
with each other. I mean, I love my
parents, but Liwa and Zimkitha’s
relationship is on another level.
He glances at me.
Me: It better not be incestous.
Derek: What?? Ziyanda!
Me: What? I’m just saying.
He pulls a face.
Me: Derek, you have to admit that they
have a creepy thing going there.
Derek: No, man… They’ve been through
too much together. Zimkitha has never
been lucky when it comes to
relationships, so Liwa is always there…
Me: Exactly! That’s what’s creepy about
them! Why is Liwa acting like her
husband??
Derek laughs quietly.
Derek: It’s not like that.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: They’ve always been close. They
confide in each other.
Me: Hai, but they need to let go now. Can
you imagine asking my mother to move in
with us? Then she stays with us for the
rest of our lives? Really?
He smiles.
Derek: I wouldn’t mind that. I love your
mother.
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
We eventually get to the house. I am
actually glad that Nolwazi is not here. I
don’t think I’m ready to see her. What am
I going to say? I am the worst liar ever,
and knowing me, I’d definitely start
spilling the beans.
Zimkitha, Liwa, Nomvuyo and Dean are
there.
Thank God the others are not here as well.
I’m really not in the mood to listen to
Gabi’s drama.
A table has been set up.
We sit and we’re served our drinks.
The mood is definitely sombre.
Me: So, what is the plan?
They all look at me.
Me: How are you planning on finding
Simo, seeing as you’re not involving the
police?
Liwa: You’re not going to let us handle
this, are you?
Me: No. It would be foolish of me to sit at
home and twiddle my thumbs.
Nomvuyo: They’ve even excluded me
from this whole thing…
Liwa looks at Zimkitha.
I don’t know if these people have a plan,
but I think I have one.
Just then, Dean’s phone rings and he
stands and walks away.
Derek takes my hand and kisses it. I look
at him and smile.
Zimkitha: So, how was the meeting with
Zizi’s parents?
Derek: It went well.
Zimkitha: Why couldn’t you wait till I was
discharged?
Derek: The meeting wasn’t meant for
anyone else but me.
Zimkitha: Oh.
She sighs.
Zimkitha: Everyone is so tense.
Me: Is Nolwazi still at Mdu’s?
Zimkitha: Yes.
Nomvuyo: Let me go check on my baby…
She stands and walks away.
Me: You’re not planning on telling her
parents?
Zimkitha looks at me softly.
Zimkitha: Can we stop discussing this for
just 30 minutes?
She looks at me pleadingly and I nod.
I guess we’re supposed to pretend
nothing is going on around us. I don’t
understand why they’re so calm.
Me: Let me check on Dean.
Derek nods as I stand and go to the
kitchen, where I find Dean.
Me: Everything okay?
Dean: Was speaking to Nolwazi.
He sighs heavily.
Dean: She’s pissed at me.
Me: Why?
He shrugs.
Dean: She’s just stressed.
Me: I have an idea.
He looks at me.
Me: You have to reach out to Ntsiki.
Dean: You think I haven’t tried to?
Me: You have to reach out differently.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: She’s doing all of this because deep
down, as crazy as it is, she loves you.
Dean: Bullshit.
Me: Believe me, she’s crazy about you.
Dean: So, taking my baby will benefit her
in what way?
Me: She finally has your attention.
He looks at me intently.
Me: Think about it… She may seem crazy,
but I think the obsession stems from her
love for you. So, if you reach out to her,
less aggressively, she might cool down.
Derek walks in and I look at him.
Me: Ntsiki loves Dean, right?
Derek: Love?
He shakes his head disgustingly.
Me: In a weird and toxic way.
Derek: So?
Me: I think Dean needs to reach out to
her, the way she has always wanted him
to.
Derek: And how is that?
Me: In a kinder way.
Derek: What are you saying, Ziyanda?
Me: Dean needs to make Ntsiki think he is
willing to work things with her.
They both stare at me.
Me: Listen, I watch a lot of crime
documentaries. I know that Ntsiki needs
attention from Dean specifically.
Dean looks at Derek, who is looking at me
thoughtfully.
Derek: I hear what you’re saying.
I continue staring at Dean.
Me: Once you’re with her, you can
convince her to bring back Simo, and then
we catch her and send her to prison,
where she belongs.
Derek: I don’t think it will be that easy.
I sigh.
Me: You guys don’t get it. Dean has a lot of
power over this psycho. Why else would
she do such? She wants his attention.
Let’s give the woman what she wants.
Derek looks at Dean.
Derek: Have you tried contacting her?
Dean nods tightly.
Me: Obviously she won’t respond,
because she can see that your attitude
hasn’t changed.
Dean: Ziyanda, you want me to be kind to
that whore?
Me: Yes.
Dean: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: No, this is the only way we can get
Simo. I don’t want any of you to do things
that are out of character. I strongly
believe that this can be solved without
any bloodshed.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: Bloodshed? Baby, no one is killing
anyone here. Stop being paranoid.
I look at them and narrow my eyes.
Me: Those two gangsters outsides are
dangerous. I know it.
Liwa: Two gangsters? Really, Ziyanda
Dlamini?
I squeal and look at Liwa and Zimkitha in
shock. When the hell did they even get
here?
Zimkitha: You think my son and I are
gangsters?
They start laughing and I groan
ashamedly. Now that they know how I
feel, I kinda feel stupid for even thinking
such.
Zimkitha: Oh, wow.
Nomvuyo also walks in with her baby boy,
nuzzled in her arms.
Derek: Ziyanda has an idea that could
work.
Zimkitha: Really? I’m all ears.
I listen to Derek speak, and I must say I’m
glad. His English is better than mine
anyway, so he phrased my idea perfectly.
It sounds convincing.
Liwa looks at me amusingly.
Liwa: You want Ntsiki to go to prison?
Me: Liwa, where else would she go?
Liwa: I’m just asking.
I shudder.
Liwa: I like your plan. Psychologically, it
will work. This woman is definitely
obsessed with Dean, and the mere
possibility of them getting back with him
is enough to bring Simo back home.
We all look at Dean.
Dean: You want me to reach out to this
woman and give her the impression that I
love her?
Me: Yes.
He shakes his head tightly.
Dean: There has to be another way.
Zimkitha: Yes, there is another way.
However, let’s exhaust this way, before
moving on to other ways.
She winks at me and I shudder once
again. I think they’re just going to do the
most after overhearing what I said about
them.
Dean sighs heavily and scratches his head.
Nomvuyo: This will definitely work.
Dean looks at me.
Me: You have to do this. I know it sucks,
but you have to do it. Simo needs to come
back home.
Dean: Okay.
I sigh in relief.
Dean: I’ll call her now.
He looks at all of us sternly.
Dean: Go eat.
Liwa: You don’t want us to judge your
weak flirting skills?
Really? Yazi, this man has a very strange
sense of humour, and it pops out of
nowhere.
Everyone goes back to the table, except
Derek and I.
Dean drinks some water and looks at
Derek.
Derek: Let’s talk for a sec.
I’m glad Star has come back to his senses.
Dean cannot be stressing about finding
his daughter on one hand, and mending
his bromance with Derek on the other
hand.
Me: I’m hungry…
I look at Dean.
Me: Ntsiki cannot sense pretense. Make
her believe every word you say.
Dean nods.
Me: Good luck.
I walk back to the table and immediately
start eating...

INSERT 165
It’s been 10 minutes, and we’re all
outchea wondering how it’s going with
Dean.
Derek is now back, and I’m watching him
eat.
Me: I want to check on him.
Zimkitha smiles.
Zimkitha: You are such a caretaker.
Derek: Go, check on him. You know how
to get him to open up, anyway.
Me: Hmkay.
I stand and walk to the kitchen.
It’s evident that he has been standing
there for a while.
Me: Fresh air?
He nods and we walk out and make our
way to the backyard.
Dean: I don’t like this idea.
Me: Do you have another one?
He sighs.
Dean: Nolwazi is going to kill me.
Me: As long as she kills you after we’ve
found Simo.
He chuckles in defeat.
Me: Let’s try it.
Dean: You watch too much TV.
Me: Leave me alone.
He scratches his head.
Dean: What do you want me to say to her?
Me: Uhm, how about we role play?
He looks at me disapprovingly.
Me: What? I’m tryna get you ready!
Dean: I’m not role playing bullshit.
Me: Then call her. It’s 7pm now, I’m sure
she’s having dinner.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Dean, you need to do whatever it
takes to get your daughter back. We will
deal with the consequences after.
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Me: What?
Dean: Thank you.
Me: I’ve got your back.
He nods tightly.
Me: Call this bitch.
Dean: So, you seriously fought her
Me: Pregnant or not, I’m not going to let
anyone try me. If she didn’t have any
weapons, I would have whooped her ass.
He chuckles.
Me: Now, channel your inner Idris Alba
and call this bitch.
He exhales.
Me: Actually, jog around the pool, just to
get the nerves out of the way.
Dean: Uyahlanya wena.
I begin pushing him.
Me: Go!
Dean: You can’t expect me to do stupid
shit by myself. Come.
He pulls me and we end up jogging.
Me: Dean, I’m dying...
He laughs.
I’m glad he’s laughing at my expense...
Dean: Let’s do another round.
Me: Dude, I’m pregnant.
Dean: And you’re gaining weight... Woza.
He pulls me and we continue jogging.
I regret suggesting this nonsense. He
continues laughing at me until we finish
the lap.
Once we’re done, we sit by the pool and
he continues laughing as I huff and puff.
Me: Ready?
Dean: No.
Me: Ya, well, you have to do this...
He takes out his phone and stares at his
wallpaper- Simo and Khulekani.
Me: Should I give you privacy?
He shakes his head as he dials Ntsiki’s
number.
Dean: You’re the only one I trust with my
weak flirting skills.
I laugh.
Me: At least you have your charm.
Dean: And money.
I continue laughing.
He glances at me.
Me: Ringing?
He nods.
My heart rate is on another level right
now.
Just as I’m about to say something, he
clears his throat.
Dean: Ntsiki...
The bitch actually answered!
Dean sighs.
He’s silent for a while... I’m not sure if it’s
because Ntsiki is speaking...
Dean: Please say something.
I stand.
I don’t want to hear this conversation. I
don’t like seeing Dean like this.
I walk away and make my way back
inside the house. I get to the dining room
and find Derek and Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: Everything okay?
Me: He’s on the phone with her.
Zimkitha: Hopefully, she falls for it.
She stands and walks away.
I look at Derek.
Me: Do you think she’ll fall for it?
Derek: I’m hopeful. I groan.
Me: I need a strong drink.
He smiles.
Derek: Four more months.
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Derek: Where are we going to sleep?
We’re homeless.
He sighs heavily.
Derek: We’ll stay at Dean’s for now.
Me: Why didn’t Nolwazi’s dad tighten
security, as he promised?
Derek: I’m pissed at that old man. He
should have sorted this shit before he
went to his vacation.
Me: Please don’t go off on him. He seems
scary.
Derek: Mxm.
He pulls my chair closer and leans closer
to me.
Derek: I’ll fight anyone who puts you in
danger.
Me: You’ve proven yourself... I get it.
He chuckles and kisses my cheek.
Me: I feel sick, hey.
Derek: Didn’t you disagree with me when
I said you’re an absorber of emotions?
I look at him disapprovingly.
Derek: You’re addicted to solving other
people’s problems.
Me: Whatever.
Derek: It’s a blessing and curse. The
problem is that you overlook your own
problems.
Me: Awungiyeke, Nkanyezi. He plants
another kiss on my cheek.
Me: I haven’t forgotten how you pushed
me when you were attacking Dean.
Derek: Ahh, baby, come on.
Me: Uh-uh.
He’s now all pouty.
Me: Hai suka.
Just then, Dean walks in.
Derek and I look at him expectantly.
Dean: She wants us to meet.
Me: When?
Dean: Now.
Zimkitha and Liwa walk back.
Zimkitha: What’s up?
Derek: She wants to meet.
Zimkitha: Perfect-
Dean: She wants me to come with
Ziyanda.
Me: What?!
Derek: What the fuck do you mean??
Dean: She asked me about Ziyanda.
Me: Why?
Dean: We have to go.
Derek: Are you crazy? Ziyanda is not
going anywhere. Tell that fucken lunatic
that we’ll find her.
Liwa: She’s crazy. She can’t possibly think
we’ll do everything she says. What does
she think this is? A movie?
Me: Let’s go.
Derek: Ziyanda, don’t fucken test me.
Me: What? We need to get Simo!
He looks at me threateningly and I keep
quiet. I’m so defeated. I want this to be
over.
Liwa: How did the conversation go?
Dean: She says I led her to this point, and
that I need to fix this.
Zimkitha: Led her to what point?! To
kidnap your child?!
I don’t think I have seen Zimkitha switch
up like this.
She snatches Dean’s phone and dials a
number.
Dean: Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: We will not bend over for her!
Dean snatches the phone from her.
Dean: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Do you realise that she could hurt my
daughter if any of you get involved?!
We all keep quiet.
Dean: I will deal with her. I don’t want
any of you to handle this. I will go there
and I will get my daughter.
He looks at all of us.
Dean: Ntsiki kidnapped my child. She’s
doing all of this because she’s pissed. She
was pregnant with my child. We made her
have an abortion, and she’s going crazy.
The common factor is me. She has gone
crazy because of--
WHAT?!
Wait, who said that??
We all turn around. Shit.
Nolwazi stands there, eyes wide open.
Nolwazi: WHAT?!
All of us stare at her in complete shock.
Why is she here? When did she-
Nolwazi: NTSIKI DID WHAT?!
Dean: Nolw-
Nolwazi: Ntsiki is the one who kidnapped
my child?!
She looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: Uthi you made Ntsiki pregnant?
I feel like I’m about to faint. My heart is
beating too fast!
Out of nowhere, we’re all ducking and
diving.
Shit is being thrown at us- vases, glasses,
plates-everything.
Nolwazi: YOU MADE NTSIKI PREGNANT?!
Zimkitha: Nolwazi-
Nolwazi: Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck
up!
She throws a plate at Dean and he ducks.
Nolwazi: Ntsiki has my child?! You knew
about this all along?!
Dean: No-
Another plate is thrown at him and he
ducks again.
Nolwazi: WHAT, DEAN?! What do you
have to say to me?!
Silence.
Nolwazi: What do you have to say to me,
Dean?! What?! She looks at all of us one
by one.
Her eyes land on me and I instantly look
away.
Nolwazi: You all knew about my baby, and
you didn’t say anything??
Liwa: Nolw-
Nolwazi: Shut the fuck up!
There’s silence once again...
Nomvuyo comes down the stairs.
Nomvuyo: And then? What’s with the noi-
She sees Nolwazi and then clears her
throat.
Nomvuyo: Uhm, I’ll be right back.
She walks up the stairs and disappears.
Nolwazi: I want my baby! I want my baby
now! NOW!
Dean: I’m going to get her now.
Nolwazi looks at him in disgust.
There’s silence for a long time.
Nolwazi: Get my baby... Please get my
baby... Please...
She collapses on the floor and starts
crying. Zimkitha walks to her and just as
she’s about to comfort her, Nolwazi
pushes her away and Zimkitha stumbles
and winces.
Just as Liwa is about to defend his mom
(as expected) I pull him back and tell him
to zip it.
We all look at Nolwazi as she cries
painfully. We know not to go to her.
I look over at Dean.
I have to blink a couple of times, just to
make sure I’m seeing right.
He’s crying as well.
I clear my throat.
Me: Let’s go, Dean.
Derek tries to say something and I look at
him disapprovingly.
Liwa: We’ll follow behind you.
I look at Derek. I know he wants to kill me
right now, but I want all of this to be over.
Me: Just make sure you’re not too close.
Liwa: Of course.
Nomvuyo comes downstairs and goes
straight to Nolwazi. Nolwazi doesn’t fight
her.
Nomvuyo: They’ll get Simo...
Nolwazi sinks in Nomvuyo’s arms and
cries even more.
Me: Let’s go.
Dean is conflicted. It’s clear that he wants
to comfort Nolwazi, but he can’t.
I grab his arm and we start walking...
INSERT 166 (Unedited)
We’re now in Dean’s car.
We’ve been sitting here for a few minutes.
Me: Are you ready?
He glances at me.
Dean: Nolwazi will never forgive me.
Me: She will.
I’m lying. From what I’ve seen, Nolwazi
will not let go of this, and to be honest,
she has every right to be pissed.
Me: Dean, can you imagine how she’s
feeling right now? She just found out
everything in the worst possible way.
He sighs deeply.
Me: Let’s find Simo. We’ll deal with
Nolwazi when we come back.
Just then, Liwa knocks on my window.
Liwa: Let’s go!
Me: Okay.
Dean starts the car and drives off.
Me: Where are we going?
Dean: Her house.
Me: Did you ever live together?
Dean: Not really.
I sigh.
Me: Has she always been crazy?
Dean: Ntsiki knew from the get go that I
didn’t want a serious relationship. For
fuck’s sake, I never saw a future with her,
and I always made myself clear.
Me: Really? It wasn’t a serious
relationship?
Dean: No. Nolwazi always thought I was
too cold towards Ntsiki. I didn’t have deep
feelings for her. She was aware from the
beginning. I didn’t sell her dreams.
Me: Yoh.
I look at him.
Dean: You can ask me anything.
I sigh.
Me: I’m just thinking about the pregnancy
situation.
He looks at me sadly.
Dean: She drugged me.
I keep quiet.
Dean: I went to my doctor for my check
up, and he noticed that I had an
unfamiliar drug in my system. Ntsiki had
already started contacting me, talking
about how good our reunion was. She got
into my place, drugged me and proceeded
to fuck me. I had no idea, until I went to
my doctor.
I process all of this. I feel sick.
Dean: I was furious, Ziyanda. I have never
been violated like that.
Me: Is that why you couldn’t tell Lwazi?
You were humiliated?
He nods tightly.
Dean: It’s not easy to accept that you’ve
been taken advantage of…
I nod.
I completely understand what he’s saying.
Dean: And then, she told me that she’s
pregnant.
I hiss.
Dean: Zimkitha convinced her to have an
abortion. It was either that, or we’d take
her to the cops.
Me: Do you think that was a good
decision?
Dean: Ziyanda, why the fuck would I want
Ntsiki to have my child without my
consent?
Me: I hear you.
Dean: That bitch will get what’s coming to
her.
Me: Don-
He looks at me and I shudder.
Dean: Don’t try to talk me out of killing
her.
Me: Dean!
Dean: What?
Me: You will not kill anyone! We will get
Simo, and you will rebuild your trust with
Nolwazi. You won’t be able to do all of
that if you’re behind bars for murder!
Dean: Mxm.
He speeds up and focuses on the road.
***
Me: Is this it?
He nods.
Me: Are you going to call to ask her to let
us in?
Dean: I have the remote.
Yazi, I’m still wondering why I was asked
to come. All I know is that as soon as I get
a chance, I’m going to stab her ass as well.
Damn bitch.
Derek and Liwa manage to drive in
behind us.
We’re now in the parking lot.
Derek: Ziyanda, get in my car.
Me: Huh?
Derek: I won’t repeat myself.
Me: Derek-
Derek: Don’t fuck with me. Get in this car.
I look at Liwa and he shakes his head.
Liwa: You are not going in there.
I look at Dean and he shrugs.
Me: Mxm.
I get in the car and bang the door. I watch
as they have a conversation. After a while,
Derek gets in the car.
I watch as Dean and Liwa disappear. I
don’t even know how they’re going to get
in the house. Is Ntsiki around? Can she
see us?
I have so many questions, and I hate not
knowing what’s going on.
We’ve been sitting in silence for about 5
minutes now.
Derek: You’re crazy if you really thought
I’d let you go.
Me: What’s going on? What if Ntsiki hurts
them?
Derek: She won’t.
Me: How do you know? That psycho is
dangerous!
He sighs
At this point, everything is sinking in. I
feel like this whole plan is stupid. Ntsiki
would have to be really dumb to believe
this nonsense.
Me: What if she saw our two cars? She is
probably hurting them right now. We
should go in!
Derek: You are so strange, Ziyanda.
Me: Huh?
Derek: For someone who suffers from
anxiety, you react very boldly to
dangerous situations.
Me: I can’t help it.
Derek: That’s why I need to keep you in
check.
Me: Derek, awume kancane. Dean and
Liwa are not safe!
I just want to make my way in there.
Out of nowhere, Dean emerges from the
house.
He rushes to his car and just as I’m about
to open my door, Derek locks it.
Me: Derek!
His phone rings and he answers it.
Derek: Yes?... Alright…
He ends the call and starts the car.
Me: What’s going on?
Derek: We’re leaving.
Me: Where are we going?
I honestly want to slap the piss out of
Derek. Why is he being so unnecessary?
Yeses, man.
A minute later, Liwa walks out of the
house and I am beyond glad when he
comes to our car. At least he’ll spill the tea
for me.
Me: Liwa.
Liwa: Ziyanda.
Me: What’s happening? Where’s Simo?
Liwa: The baby is not here.
Derek starts driving and follows Dean’s
car.
Me: Was Ntsiki there?
Liwa shakes his head.
I groan heavily.
I decide to keep quiet, because it is very
clear that my questions will not be
answered fully. If I was with Dean, I know
for a fact that he’d tell me everything. I
don’t know why these two are acting like
they’re some private investigators.
I must have taken a nap, because when I
wake up, we’re in an area I’m not familiar
with.
Derek: Go back to sleep.
Me: Uyanya.
Liwa chuckles.
Liwa: You really don’t want to be left out,
hey?
Me: Mxm. We drive into some yard.
Me: Where are we?
Liwa: Ntsiki’s sister lives here.
Me: Is this where Simo is?
Liwa: Hopefully.
I sigh.
Once we’re parked, Derek unlocks the
doors and I glance at him.
Me: Am I allowed to go out, master?
Derek: Mxm.
We all get out of the car and walk to Dean.
He looks at me.
For some reason, he looks calmer.
Me: Is Simo here?
He nods.
Me: What about- Derek: Dean, go and get
her. I’d rather we wait-
Me: Uzosala noLiwa. I’m going with Dean.
He tries to say something, and I turn away
from him.
Me: Let’s go, Dean.
Dean looks at Derek. They do that thing of
theirs of communicating nonverbally. At
this point, I don’t even care. Derek is
being a cock-blocker right now.
Dean: Okay, let’s go.
I know Derek is fuming, but I just want to
turn and stick my tongue out at him-
childish, I know.
Anyway, Dean and I make our way to the
door, and he rings the bell.
Me: Are you sure she’s here? He nods
tightly.
As he’s about to ring the bell again, the
door opens.
A woman stands there.
She looks like she’s in her mid-20s. Is she
Ntsiki’s sister?
Dean: Yoli?
The woman nods.
Yoli: Dean?
Dean nods.
Yoli sighs heavily and looks at me.
Yoli: Nolwazi?
Me: Oh, uhm, no.
Yoli: Oh…
She looks at Dean softly and pitifully.
Yoli: You can come in.
She steps aside and we walk in.
When we get to the lounge, and we see
Simo on a stroller, we immediately rush
to her and Dean takes her.
As soon as she is nuzzled in Dean’s arms, I
sink on the floor and sigh. The load is
finally off.
I watch as Dean sobs quietly.
I’m sobbing as well.
Why the hell would a person kidnap a
child? How is that normal?
After a while, Yoli clears her throat and I
look at her.
Yoli: Would you like some water?
I don’t say anything. This bitch has some
nerve, asking us if we’re thirsty!
Yoli: I am so sorry that you had to go
through this.
I don’t say anything.
I stare at her. She looks like she is also
going through her own shit.
Yoli: When she brought the baby here, she
didn’t even give me any information. She
just said I must take care of her. Had I
known that…
She swallows her tears.
Yoli: I’m sorry.
I stand.
Me: So, you go around taking in babies
you don’t know?
She looks at me in shock.
Me: You are just as fucked up as your
sister. You either get more information, or
you go to the police- that’s the normal
thing to do.
As I walk to her, she steps back.
I want to slap some sense into her.
Me: What the hell is wrong with you??
Yoli: I didn’t know!
Me: Your sister stabbed me!
Yoli: Wha-
Me: Tonight, you’ll lear-
Dean: Ziyanda.
I snap out of it and look at Dean.
Dean: Let’s go.
He walks towards me and grabs my arm.
We walk out and make our way to the car.
Derek: Thank God.
Liwa: Let’s go before Nolwazi dies.
I quickly take Simo from Dean and get in
Dean’s car, before Derek can protest.
I need to know how they knew about this
Yoli person, and Dean is the only one
who’ll fill me in…
As I kiss Simo, I find myself smiling. As
annoying as she is, I missed her and her
absence made me value my pregnancy…
Now that this part is over, Dean needs to
get his shit together and fix his
relationship with Nolwazi.
INSERT 167
When I wake up and check the time, it’s
10am.
I sit up and yawn loudly. Derek is still
passed out next to me.
I reach for my phone and dial Dean’s
number. It rings for a long time, but he
eventually answers.
Derek decided that we should sleep at his
place (which is furniture-less). He insisted
on being away from everything.
Dean: Ziyanda?
Me: Hey.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: How is she?
Dean: She slept at Mdu’s.
Me: She took the babies?
Dean: Ya. My heart breaks for him. He’s so
miserable.
Me: What’s your plan?
He sighs.
Me: Are you planning on giving her space?
Dean: No.
Me: Hmkay. I guess space will increase
the gap between you guys.
Dean: Can I come over for breakfast?
Me: Uhm, Chef Ngidi is passed out…
unless you want me to-
Dean: No, I’ll bring breakfast.
Me: Whatever. It’s not like cooking is an
option. We’re literally left with our bed
and toiletries here.
Dean: I’ll be there soon.
Me: Shap.
I hang up and just as I’m about to get out
of bed, Derek pulls me back in.
Me: Dean is bringing breakfast.
Derek: Hmm.
He tries to hold on to me but I escape
quickly and make my way to the
bathroom.
***
Dean walks in with a large paper bag.
Me: Morning to you too.
Dean: It’s 12pm.
We get to the kitchen and I unpack the
food.
Dean: Is he still sleeping?
Me: Yep.
I glance at him.
Me: You look horrible.
Dean: Not as much as you.
Me: Oh please, my melanin is popping,
cheeks bright and right. Don’t come for
me.
He chuckles.
Me: Now, you on the other hand…
Hunny…
Dean: Mxm.
He walks to the bedroom and I dish up for
all of us.
After a few minutes, he walks back and
looks around.
Dean: Manje we’re going to eat standing?
Me: Yep. Everything has been moved.
He shakes his head.
Dean: I don’t know why you didn’t
sleepover last night.
Me: We wanted to give you guys space.
Dean: As if that helped.
I sigh.
Me: You better fix this.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: What happened last night?
He takes a croissant and takes a bite
roughly.
Dean: Ukhuluma ngani?
He chews and stares at me.
Me: When you got in that psycho’s house!
Just then, Derek walks in and stretches. I
try not to roll my eyes. His timing is the
worst- damn cock-blocker. He walks to
me and plants a kiss on my cheek.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Hey, lover.
He takes his food and eats on the spot.
I groan as I watch them munch away like
pigs.
Dean: When exactly are you moving into
your new place?
Derek: We’re good to go now.
Dean: I need your shit out of my house.
Me: I don’t know why you’re so ready to
get rid of us, because it’s not like Nolwazi
will be back there anytime soon.
Dean: Fuck off.
Derek: Vele, don’t be so quick. Don’t come
for us.
Dean: Mxm.
Just then, Dean’s phone rings and he
checks the caller id.
He walks away as he answers it.
Derek: Are you okay with moving today?
Me: Oh, I thought-
Derek: No, you’re not going to try play
peacemaker.
I sigh.
Derek: We’re going to spend some quality
time.
Me: Bu-
Derek: Ziyanda, I want some quality time
with you.
He looks at me seriously.
Me: Okay.
Derek: I know you thrive in helping
others, but right now, I need you to check
your priorities. We’re having a baby in 4
months, and we haven’t had downtime.
I keep quiet.
Derek: Let’s focus on us, please?
I sigh and nod.
Me: Okay.
Derek: You’re not angry?
Me: I understand and acknowledge how
you feel.
Derek: Thank you.
He gives me a kiss on the cheek.
Dean walks back and takes another
croissant.
Dean: I have to go… Turns out I have a
meeting in an hour.
He takes a bite of his croissant and looks
at Derek seriously.
Dean: I need you now more than ever.
Don’t try that shit with me.
Did he overhear our conversation?
Derek grunts.
Dean: Suck it up.
He then looks at me and smiles.
Dean: You’re a gem.
Me: So I’ve been told…
He chuckles and walks out.
I look at Derek expectantly.
Derek: Who am I kidding? There’s no
possible way of excluding ourselves from
this shit.
We both sigh heavily.
Derek: Can we at least spend today
together, just you and I?
Me: Of course, Star.
I pull him and give him a smooshy kiss.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
***
I must admit that my downtime with Star
was exactly what I needed. We spent the
rest of the day at a spa.
It’s now around 5pm, and we’re going to
check out our new place now that all our
things are there.
When we get there, I immediately start
critiquing the space.
Me: We need new furniture. It doesn’t
take rocket science to see that our old
furniture looks strange here.
Derek: That’s something we can work on
progressively.
I sigh.
Me: Alright then. So, you want us to move
out of Dean’s?
He scratches his head.
Derek: He won’t let us.
Me: You still think your group of friends is
chilled and drama-free?
He laughs lightly.
Derek: Whatever.
Me: I need to meet up with my people. I
miss them.
He rolls his eyes.
Me: Heyi, ungalinge.
Derek: Let’s get going. We make our way
to Dean and Nolwazi’s house.
***
When we get to the house, we find
Zimkitha, Nomvuyo and Liwa there.
Zimkitha: Zizi, hello, my angel.
Me: Hey.
She gives me a hug.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Hello, Liwa.
I look around.
Me: Nolwazi is not back?
Zimkitha: She won’t come back unless
she’s fetched.
Liwa chuckles.
Me: Vuvz, I miss you.
Nomvuyo: I miss you too, love. I need this
chapter to be closed. I’m tired.
Me: Tell me about it…
Dean walks down the stairs and walks to
us.
Nomvuyo: How are you planning on fixing
this?
Dean doesn’t respond, instead, he takes
his phone and walks away again.
Nomvuyo: Haike.
She walks to the kitchen.
I really don’t like this tension. There has
to be a solution here, honestly.
As everyone is chatting and eating in the
lounge, I make my way to our bedroom,
and sit on the bed. I’m trying to come up
with ideas to solve this. Once this is
solved, we can all move on properly.
There’s absolutely no way everyone can
go their separate ways right now and live
their lives in isolation. This group is close,
and they’re involved in each other’s lives,
so it’s impossible for them to turn a blind
eye when one of them is going through
shit. I, on the other hand, hate seeing my
loved ones going through shit. If my help
is needed, I will genuinely offer my
assistance. I’ve never been able to step
back when I’m needed. If a problem can
be solved, then we will work together to
solve it- we’ll deal with the rest later.
I dial Mdu’s number and anxiously wait
for him to answer.
Mdu: Ziyanda, ufunani?
Me: Uhm, hey.
Mdu: I don’t want to talk to any of you
fucken idiots.
Me: Mdu, really?
Mdu: What you did was unforgivable.
Me: You? Who exactly are you talking
about?
Mdu: You and your fucken friends.
Me: Listen here wena, you have no right
to act righteous right now. You involved
me in your bullshit and I supported your
ungrateful ass.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Don’t even try the honourable act
right now.
Mdu: What do you want from me?
Me: I need you to do everything you can
to get Nolwazi to be open to having a
conversation with Dean.
Mdu: Her child was kidnapped, and Dean
knew about it, in fact all of you knew! You
cannot compare my situation with this
bullshit!
I keep quiet.
Mdu: This is fucked up. Nolwazi thought
she had lost her child. Dean knew all
along.
Me: The situation is complicated.
Mdu: How? Please, enlighten me!
Me: It’s not my place.
Mdu: Well, all of you can fuck off.
He ends the call and I groan.
I lie on the bed and face the ceiling.
Gosh.
How am I going to get him to calm down?
His anger is definitely justified. I get why
he’s not willing to hear me out.
Tholi.
I think she can get through to him.
Yes, I’ll call Tholi.
Surely, he won’t allow himself to throw all
those “fucks” at his Chubby Cheeks…

INSERT 168
The following day, Derek woke up early
for a business meeting. He was supposed
to leave the province, but he managed to
get the people to come to Jo’burg- for
obvious reasons.
I’m glad he’s leaving, because I have my
own plans.
Derek: So, what are your plans for today?
Me: Plans? I have no plans, none
whatsoever.
He looks at me coolly and nods.
Derek: Hmm.
I quickly get out of bed.
Me: Wanna save water today?
He chuckles and smiles.
Derek: Of course.
I walk to the bathroom and get in the
shower, and he follows shortly after.
Derek: Our appointment with Doctor
Modisa is tomorrow.
Me: I saw the reminder.
Derek: And, we see Melinda right after.
Me: Yep.
Derek: It’s been a minute.
Me: Sure has.
Derek: So, what are your plans for today?
Me: Huh?
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: I don’t have any.
He continues looking at me with a raised
eyebrow.
Me: Gosh.
I huff.
Me: I’m planning on going to Nolwazi.
He shakes his head in defeat.
Me: What?
Derek: You’re scaring me.
Me: Huh?
Derek: You’re too invested. It’s borderline
obsessive.
Me: Yes, I am. Once this is solved, we can
all move on.
Derek: Let Dean fix this.
Me: I’m helping them.
Derek: There’s a big difference between
helping and what you’re doing.
Me: Really? Care to enlighten me?
Derek: You’re in too deep.
Me: Maybe if I didn’t get stabbed by this
woman, I’d feel out of touch with this
situation, but I was involved from the
beginning. I don’t turn my back against
loved ones when they need support.
He sighs.
Derek: You’re making it seem like I don’t
care.
Me: You obviously care less. I don’t even
understand, because Dean is your
brother.
Derek: Wow.
He turns his back on me.
Derek: I’d like you to leave.
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: Just get the fuck out of the shower.
Me: Excuse me??
He turns and looks at me angrily.
Derek: You don’t get it, do you? You were
fucken stabbed. You were in danger. Now,
I’m the bad guy for wanting to keep you
safe?
I keep quiet.
Derek: Yazi Ziyanda, your stubbornness
will be the death of you. You always want
to be right, and you refuse to listen. Go
and do as you please. If this shit backfires,
don’t expect me to clean up your mess.
Me: So dramatic.
I walk out of the shower and dry myself…
We get dressed in silence.
Once he’s done, he packs his bag and his
phone rings.
Derek: I’ll be there in 30 minutes… Sure…
Bye…
He takes his bag and walks out.
I hope he leaves the drama wherever he’s
going.
I finish getting dressed, and my tummy
growls. I make my way downstairs and
I’m glad to find no sign of Derek. I make
myself an egg and cheese sandwich.
Dean: Why are you burning my pots?
Me: Whatever.
I clean up the mess and then sit on one of
the high stools.
Dean: Are you okay?
Me: Yep.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: Just tired.
Dean: Then go back to sleep.
I shake my head and continue eating.
Dean: Hmkay then, grumpy…
He walks away.
***
I get to Mdu’s house and call Tholi to let
me in.
She meets me at the door.
Tholi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hey, Tholi.
We share a hug.
Me: How are you?
Tholi: A bit tired.
Me: You guys have four babies in here?
She looks down and her cheeks turn red.
Me: And then?
Tholi: Nothing.
Me: Are you tired of your new
roommates?
She looks at me in shock.
Tholi: Zi!
I chuckle.
Me: Are you scared of kicking Nolwa-
Tholi: Shh!
I continue chuckling as I follow her in.
I am immediately greeted by Simo’s
giggles. The girl really is an attention
seeker. She can sense when a new set of
eyes is in the room.
Nolwazi is busy playing with her.
I clear my throat.
She looks up and is legit shocked to see
me.
Me: Hey, Lwazi.
She puts down Simo and then stands.
Nolwazi: Hi.
I can’t read her. However, I’ll take
advantage of the joy she feels when she’s
with her babies.
I walk to Simo and pick her up. At least
Lwazi won’t attack me if I’m carrying her
baby.
Me: I miss you guys.
My sessions with Melinda have taught me
a lot when it comes to dealing with
people. You have to ease your way into
difficult conversations- works like a
charm.
Nolwazi: Khulekani has been grumpy.
Me: Aww, really? He misses our play
dates!
She chuckles.
Nolwazi: I guess.
She looks at my belly.
Nolwazi: When are you finding out the
gender?
Me: Tomorrow.
Nolwazi: What are you hoping for?
I shrug.
Me: I don’t know.
She sighs.
Me: How is this living situation?
She looks around.
Nolwazi: Okay, I guess.
Me: Who would have thought… You, living
with your ex-husband’s ex-wife?
Nolwazi: Messed up, huh?
Me: I guess it speaks volumes about your
forgiving nature.
She raises an eyebrow.
Me: Before you attack me, please lend an
ear?
Nolwazi: Ziyand-
Me: Please?
Simo slaps my cheek and I groan. Nolwazi
chuckles.
Nolwazi: You two have a love-hate
relationship.
Me: Your child is a lot.
Nolwazi: Tell me something I don’t know.
She sits and I sit next to her.
Tholi walks in with some juice and two
glasses.
Me: Thank you, Tholz.
She smiles as she puts them on the table.
She walks away.
I look at Nolwazi.
Me: You are one of the most
understanding people I know.
Nolwazi: Stop trying to butter me up and
get to the point.
I sigh.
Me: You need to hear him out.
Nolwazi: I’m not ready.
Me: And, I respect that. Dean knows you
better so that’s why he’s giving you space.
However, I just wanted to let you know
this is more complicated than you think.
Nolwazi: Why didn’t you tell me when you
found out?
Me: It wasn’t my place.
Nolwazi: So, you coming here right now is
your place?
I keep quiet.
Nolwazi: I don’t know how I’ll forgive
Dean. This is too much.
Me: As much as I want to tell you what
happened, I think Dean should. I’m afraid
that too much space will ruin your
relationship, especially because you are
not fully informed. I think it’s only fair for
you to be aware.
Nolwazi: What’s so deep, that it can
change my whole perspective on all of
this?
Just as I’m about to talk, my eyes pop out.
Me: Dean!
Dean looks at me in confusion and shock.
Dean: What the hell are you doing here?
Me: Oh, uhm, I came to see the twins.
Dean: Hmm.
As soon as his eyes land on Nolwazi, his
whole face changes. He looks at her softly
and pleadingly.
I clear my throat.
Dean: Lwazi.
I look at Nolwazi and she’s already
sobbing. I want to comfort her, but Simo
is also slapping the shit out of me. This
little brat wants her dad now.
Dean walks to us. He wants to comfort
Nolwazi, but he can’t.
The tension is too thick for my liking. I
want it to end.
Nolwazi: Why would you lie to me?
She continues sobbing.
Simo is now crying her lungs.
Dean looks at me and I nod.
I quickly stand, and as I walk to the
kitchen, I bump into Mdu.
Mdu: Who the hell let you in my house?
Me: Liste-
Mdu: Is that Dean’s car outside?
Me: Mdu-
Mdu: Get the fuck-
Tholi: Mdu!
Mdu keeps quiet and looks at Tholi.
Tholi: Will you just shut up and allow
people to solve their problems?
Mdu: Tholi-
Tholi: No. Stop being unnecessary.
Ewu.
Kwathi cwaka.
Tholi: Now, if you don’t mind, please
check what’s wrong with the washing
machine.
Hehe.
Yes, girl. You better tame your man!
Anyway, I have a good feeling about Dean
and Nolwazi. I think a constructive
conversation can be had now. I feel lighter
and hopeful.
I check my phone and I haven’t received
any calls or messages from Derek.
Konje.
I sigh heavily and focus on Simo, who is
suddenly drooling over Mdu.
Such thot-y behaviour.
INSERT 169
Me: Mdu, you really need to check
yourself.
He looks at me coldly.
Me: You don’t scare me, so cut the
nonsense.
Mdu: At the end of the day, I don’t give a
shit about others. Family comes first.
I don’t say anything.
Mdu: Give me one good reason why I
shouldn’t go to my lounge and punch that
idiot.
Me: He’ll beat your dark ass.
Tholi: Ziyanda!
Me: Not literal, Tholz. That would totes be
inapprops.
Mdu chuckles.
Me: Those two need to talk and sort it out.
Mdu: Aren’t you tired of being involved?
Me: I love how everyone asks me that
bullshit as if I wake up and randomly ask
to be involved in everyone’s nonsense.
Tholi: Shame, everyone trusts you.
Me: It’s a blessing and a curse.
Mdu: Manje uthi what exactly happened
with Dean?
Me: Not my place to tell you.
Out of nowhere, Nolwazi walks into the
kitchen.
She’s been crying. Her face is puffy as hell.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda.
I look at her nervously.
She walks away. I guess I’m supposed to
follow her?
I walk to the lounge and sit opposite her
and Dean.
I stare at Dean.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda.
I look at her.
She takes a deep breath and wipes her
tears.
Nolwazi: Ntsiki stabbed you?
Me: Uhm, ya.
Funny enough, I thought she knew. Kanti
didn’t she come back with Dean after I
called that night? She sighs.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay. She didn’t really hurt me.
Nolwazi: I’m so sorry.
Me: It’s okay, Lwazi, honestly. It’s not
even your fault.
Nolwazi: It is our fault. All of this could
have been prevented.
I shrug.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry.
Me: Please stop apologizing. I’m fine.
She takes a sip of water and looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: I’m struggling to process this.
Dean: I’ll give you space.
She shakes her head.
Nowazi: You’ll sleep in another room.
Dean stifles a smile.
Nolwazi: I just…
She exhales and shakes her head.
Nolwazi: I just didn’t think Ntsiki was this
crazy.
Me: I think everyone underestimated her.
She shakes her head.
Nolwazi: That fucken bitch.
Throughout this conversation, my whole
body keeps relaxing even more. Nolwazi
is slowly coming around! Mdu walks in
with a crying Simo. There she goes crying
when no one is paying attention to her.
Sivelelwe la.
Dean stands and takes her from Mdu.
She continues crying, but as soon as Dean
showers her with kisses, the crying stops
instantly.
Mdu: I’m tired of this child. Please go back
to your house now, Lwazi.
Nolwazi: Wow, brother.
Mdu: We cannot live with four kids in one
roof. It’s too much.
Dean: Watch it…
Mdu then looks at Nolwazi intently.
Mdu: You wanna talk?
Nolwazi shrugs.
Mdu: Come.
She walks to him and they walk out.
I look at Dean, who has managed to calm
Simo down.
Me: Dean.
He looks at me.
Me: You okay?
Dean: I’ve been better.
Me: At least she listened.
He nods.
Me: And she’s willing to come back to the
house.
Dean: Mmm.
Me: I should get going. I’m sleepy and
hungry.
Dean: We’ll leave together. I nod as I sink
on the couch.
***
Tholi: Ziyanda…
Me: Hmm?
Tholi: Wakeup.
I open my eyes and blink a couple of
times.
Mdu: Vuka wena, and never come back
here.
Me: Argh.
I sit up and stretch.
Me: What time is it?
Tholi: 3pm.
Me: Gosh.
Tholi: Nolwazi and Dean have been
waiting for you.
Me: I’m glad they didn’t wake me up.
Tholi: Apparently you’re aggressive when
someone interrupts your sleep?
I chuckle.
Me: Don’t believe the lies.
I get up and stretch.
Me: Where are they?
Mdu: Upstairs.
Me: Hmkay.
I make my way there and knock on a
closed door. When I open it, Dean is on
the bed, while Lwazi is packing her
clothes.
Nolwazi: Zi, you’re awake.
Me: Yep. We can leave now.
Nolwazi: Give me five minutes.
Me: Shap.
***
It seems like things are much better
between Nolwazi and Dean. The tension
has been replaced with calmness.
I’m happy for them.
Even my nap felt lighter.
As we make our way inside the house, I’m
shocked that there’s no sign of Derek. His
meeting wasn’t supposed to be long.
It feels weird not being able to call or text
him.
Dean: You fought with Derek?
Me: Not really.
Dean: I th-
Me: I’m hungry, Dean. I don’t have the
energy to discuss Derek’s drama.
He laughs lightly.
Me: Please make something to eat.
Dean: Uyanya.
Me: Please, man.
Nolwazi: My dad wants to come and make
sure you’ve upgraded our security.
Dean grunts.
Nolwazi: That’s what you get for having a
crazy ex.
Me: I wonder where Ntsiki is…
Nolwazi looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: I’d rather not think about her
right now.
Just then, Derek walks in.
We all stare at him.
He stares at Nolwazi.
Derek: Hi, Lwazi.
He is definitely not his usual warm self.
Nolwazi: Hey, Ngidi.
They share a hug.
Derek: Good to have you back.
Nolwazi: I can’t honestly say it’s good to
be back.
Derek then looks at me briefly and then
focuses on Dean.
Derek: We’re moving out today.
We all look at him in shock.
Nolwazi: What? Why?
Derek: I’d like my own space. We’ve
overstayed our welcome.
Dean: Dramatic much?
Nolwazi: I hope you know that you’re
always welcome.
Derek: I do. I’m happy that you’re back. I
strongly think you two need space now
that you’re more informed.
Nolwazi: I’m still pissed at all of you, by
the way.
Derek then looks at me.
Derek: Go pack your shit.
My jaw drops.
Surely I’m dreaming? Who in the world is
he addressing like this?
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: Go upstairs and pack your shit.
Mine is already packed.
I have to take a few breaths. I am
speechless.
I try to say something, but I’m
dumbfounded.
I walk away, not knowing how exactly I
feel.
I get to our bedroom and look around.
I am literally shaking.
This motherfucker really packed his
things.
He even put my suitcase on the bed. It’s
wide open.
I take out my clothes and throw them in
the suitcase.
The door opens and Derek stares at me
from the door.
Me: Leave me alone. I don’t want to hear
your lousy apology.
Derek: Apology?
I stop and look at him.
Derek: I’m not here to apologise. I came to
tell you to hurry up, I’d like to beat traffic.
My jaw drops to the floor as he closes the
door.
What the hell?
Did Petty escape from my body and get
into his?
I am shook.

INSERT 170 (Unedited)

As I’m washing my face, Derek walks in
the bathroom.
I rinse my face and dry it. I walk out and
get dressed.
Once I’m done, I go downstairs and then it
hits me. We have no food or snacks in this
house. I look around and roll my eyes.
Nxa.
I walk around and check out the rooms.
I just feel like Derek sucked out all the joy
from this moving process. His petty ass
better be able to keep this shit up,
because I’m not budging.
I make my way back to the kitchen to
pour myself some water. I’m starving, it’s
not even funny. I’m craving a dagwood:
bacon, cheese, pickles and an egg.
I decide to open the fridge and lo and
behold, the damn thing is filled to
capacity.
When did this happen?
I walk to the pantry, it is also filled.
When did Derek do all of this?
Just as I walk out of the pantry, he walks
into the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of
water and leave him there. When I check
my phone, I see a message from Melinda,
confirming our appointment for today. I
want to respond and cancel, but I know
that will not be well-received.
After 20 minutes or so, I walk downstairs
with my bag.
Derek is washing his plate.
He made breakfast.
I watch as he walks upstairs and I rush to
the kitchen to see if there are some
leftovers. The whole space smells like
bacon. My belly growls even more and I
rub it. When I check, I realize that he
finished the food. There’s nothing in the
pots.
I let out a low moan. I want to cry. Did he
really feed himself and leave me to die? I
know he doesn’t love me right now, but
what about his child? Mxm.
Derek: Let’s go.
I snap out of it and before I can confront
him, he’s already walking out.
***
We’re now in the reception area, waiting
for Dr. Modisa.
Receptionist: She’s running a bit late.
Derek: How late?
Receptionist: She’ll be here soon.
I sigh and go straight to the bathroom to
cry my lungs out. I’m starving. I feel like
the baby is probably eating its toes right
now.
After a few minutes, I walk back to the
reception area to get my bag. Derek is
now sitting down, busy on his phone.
I’m going to request an Uber and go to the
nearest food spot. I can’t even see straight
anymore.
As I reach for my bag, which is on the
empty seat next to Derek, I see a skhaftin.
Me: What’s this?
Derek: Your food.
Yoh, I almost collapse. I put my bag aside,
sit my big ass down and chow like there’s
no tomorrow.
Once I’m done, I drink some water and
close the skhaftin.
Me: Thanks.
He nods tightly and continues focusing on
his phone.
I sit back and listen to my body as it
digests the food. In a few minutes, the
heartburn kicks in and I rush to the
bathroom. I try to keep it in, but I can’t. I
vomit everything I ate… Mxm, so much for
food digestion.
When I walk back to reception, I find Dr.
Modisa there, speaking to Derek. She
smiles when she sees me, and we share a
hug.
Dr: How are you?
Me: Just vomited my breakfast.
Dr: Oh, no. That’s not good.
Me: Tell me about it…
Dr: Please give me a few minutes to settle
in.
Me: Okay.
I get my bag and take a quick glance at
Derek. I know for a fact that he wants to
ask if I’m okay, but his petty-streak won’t
allow him to.
***
Dr: Almost six months…
She looks at us and smiles.
Dr: You’re approaching the last month of
your second trimester.
I sigh
Dr: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m tired most of the time, and my
feet look like fish.
She laughs.
Dr: These are some of the common
concerns when you’re at this stage of the
pregnancy. Hormonal changes and
heartburn make it difficult for you to
catch a good night’s sleep.
Me: I’m just uncomfortable.
Dr: And the kicks?
Me: I haven’t felt any kicks, just little
movements.
I look at Derek and he avoids my eyes.
Dr: Eat your dinner at least two hours
before bedtime, and don’t forget to eat
slowly- that will make you sleep better,
and prevent heartburn.
I nod.
Dr: As your uterus continues to expand,
the aches will leave you fatigued. Ideally,
there’s nothing to worry about, but if
you’re too uncomfortable, call me.
Me: Okay.
She continues explaining the symptoms I
will experience.
Dr: Now, let’s move on to our baby.
She looks at Derek.
Dr: How are you feeling?
Derek: I’m okay…
I roll my eyes.
Dr: Now, as you can see, the baby is
growing bigger now.
She goes on to tell us the specific details
about the baby’s growth.
As overwhelming as it is, I think I’m a bit
numb at this point. I don’t know, hey.
She then smiles brightly and looks at me.
Dr: Gender time! What are you hoping
for?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t think I want a
girl.
Dr: Really? Why?
Me: Girls are too much admin.
Dr: Aww, Derek, what are you hoping for?
Derek: I’m okay with anything.
Dr: That’s good.
I look at Derek. He’s trying to act tough,
but I can tell he’s lowkey excited.
Dr: Alright then, let’s see…
As she rubs my belly, trying to find the
perfect angle, I feel Derek’s hand on mine.
I glance at him angrily and he looks at me
softly.
As much as I want to smack the pettiness
out of him, I can’t help but smile at him.
Dr: Well, lookie here…
We all stare at the screen. I always
struggle to see the baby, hey. Thankfully,
this time around, the outline is clear,
because it’s growing.
Dr: I’ll let you figure it yourself…
I turn my head and so does Derek.
Dr: Do you see it?
Me: What?
Derek chuckles.
Derek: It’s a boy.
I frown.
Me: Huh? Where’s the penis?
They both laugh as I continue staring at
the baby.
Derek stands and touches the screen,
pointing at something.
Me: Is that it?
He chuckles and nods.
Me: Oh, wow.
Dr: You’re having a boy!
I sigh in relief.
I really didn’t want a girl. The Universe
listened to me.
***
Melinda: It’s good to see you two.
She smiles at us.
Melinda: I believe there’s a problem? Your
body language says a lot.
Derek: We do have a problem.
Melinda: Alright, let’s get into it.
Derek: Ziyanda has a serious problem.
Melinda looks at him intently.
Derek then goes on to tell her how I
haven’t been taking care of myself, and
how invested I am in other people’s shit…
The usual…
Once he’s done, she sighs.
Melinda: Ziyanda, do you want to say
something?
I shrug
Me: I don’t think what I have to say will
make him happy. I personally do not see
anything wrong with what I did. I was
being supportive.
Derek hisses.
Me: I don’t know why he makes it seem
like we have problems. You’re telling me
you just couldn’t put your shit aside for a
while just to cater to your friend? Nolwazi
and Dean are fine now. Why did you make
it seem like the phase would last forever?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I think he’s being dramatic, and
because I’m not in the mood to fight, I’ll
leave it at that.
Derek: I’d like a few minutes, please.
Melinda: Sure.
He stands and walks out.
Melinda then looks at me softly.
Melinda: Ziyanda.
Me: Yes?
Melinda: Are you going back to avoidance
as a coping mechanism?
I look at her blankly.
Melinda: You know that never ends well
for you.
Derek walks back in and sits.
I glance at him and realize that he really is
angry. Now, I’m concerned.
Derek looks at Melinda.
Derek: I’d rather we meet another time.
I’m not in the right frame of mind.
Melinda: Why?
Derek: Her stubbornness is fucken
driving me insane.
Me: Then go. No one is forcing you to be
here.
Just as he is about to stand, Melinda
intervenes.
Melinda: No one is leaving. We will
resolve this.
Me: I don’t have time for this.
Derek: But, you have the time for other
people’s problems?
Me: What the hell is going on here? When
did you and I have problems? What are
these problems that I don’t know about? I
am so confused. Last time I checked, we
were good.
Derek: Mxm.
Me: You can’t just go from 0 to 100 and
expect me to take it.
He shakes his head and looks at Melinda.
Me: You can look at Melinda all you want.
You’re being dramatic. Tone it down a
notch if you want us to have a
constructive conversation.
He stands.
Derek: I’ll be back…
He storms out.
I look at Melinda.
Me: He legit went from 0-100.
Melinda: He’s clearly passionate about
this.
Me: He’s doing the most right now. We’ll
talk once he’s cooled down.
Melinda: Are you open to hearing him out
properly?
Me: Sure. I’m just failing to respond
properly because he’s too angry.
She nods and stands.
Melinda: Let me check on him.
Me: Alright.
She walks out and I look around the office
and spot the Empathy Tool… I guess it’s
time to use it right now, because Derek is
defs passionate about this.
INSERT 171 (Unedited)
He walks back in the room and sits.
Melinda: Alright, are we ready to listen to
each other?
I look at Derek. He seems calmer.
Melinda: Derek, you mentioned that you
think Ziyanda is too invested in other
people’s problems?
Derek nods.
Melinda: What happened?
Derek: I’m sure if she has told you about
the kidnapping situation.
Melinda raises an eyebrow and looks at
us questioningly.
Melinda: Kidnapping?
Derek looks at me and I look back at him
blankly. He must tell the story, since he’s
in a talking mood.
He then begins telling her what happened.
Derek: When I got the phone call…
He swallows hard.
Derek: I thought I lost her… I don’t know
what’s happening right now. Is he holding
in tears?
Melinda and I stare at him.
Derek: I couldn’t even get to her
immediately because my flight got
delayed… I was going crazy.
Melinda: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Derek shrugs.
Melinda: How did you make sense of the
situation?
Derek: I still think it could have been
avoided. I blame myself and Dean.
Melinda: Why do you blame yourself?
Derek: I couldn’t protect her.
There’s silence for a few seconds.
Derek: Just like I couldn’t protect her from
her miscarriage.
Whoa.
Me: Wait, you blame yourself for the
miscarriage?
He continues looking at Melinda. Is he
ignoring me?
Melinda: Answer Ziyanda’s question.
Derek: The miscarriage happened during
the time we discovered that I have a son.
My heart rate slowly increases.
Derek: I think Ziyanda was really
triggered by the situation. It stressed her
out.
Melinda looks at me.
Melinda: Do you blame Derek for the
miscarriage?
Me: I don’t see why we should go back to
it.
Derek finally looks at me.
Melinda: Are you avoiding it?
Me: I’ve gone through my stages of grieve,
but am I ready to sit here and delve
deeper into it? No. I don’t want to talk
about that experience.
Melinda nods.
Me: So, if you feel like you still need to go
back and unpack the situation, please do
it in my absence. I don’t want to talk
about it.
Melinda: I respect that.
Me: What I will say though, is that I don’t
blame anyone for that miscarriage. I’ve
been through a lot of shit in my life, and
I’ve learnt that blaming others is
counterproductive. I may not have
accepted the miscarriage, but I don’t
blame Derek.
Melinda: You don’t have to speak in third
person, he’s right here.
I look at Derek.
Me: I don’t blame you.
I look at Melinda.
Me: That’s all I’m willing to say regarding
that.
Derek: I’m sorry for bringing it up.
Me: Cool.
We sit in silence.
I try not to give in to the sullenness that is
threatening to take over. I don’t want to
deal with that shit right now, because I
will die, seriously.
Melinda: Now, why do you think Ziyanda
is too invested in other people’s lives?
Derek: She was adamant about helping
Dean fix his relationship with Nolwazi to
the point that she didn’t realize that she
crossed the line.
Melinda: What line?
Me: Please explain this line to me.
Derek: I get that you were trying to help,
but at some point, Dean has to take
charge and sort his shit out.
Melinda: So, you think she was facilitating
intensively.
Derek: Yes.
Me: Bullshit.
He looks at me.
Me: First of all, don’t sit here and make it
seem like your circle doesn’t have an
invasive culture.
Melinda: Invasive?
Me: When I first met them, I had a big
problem with how they were in each
other’s business. They all know what
happens in each other’s relationships.
Melinda: Oh…
Me: That’s their culture. When I raised
this issue, Derek said I’ll get used to them.
That’s just how they do things.
I look at him.
Me: I adapted to that culture, to your
circle’s culture, Derek.
Melinda: What do you have to say about
that, Derek?
Derek: Nothing.
Melinda: Is Ziyanda correct?
He tightens his jaw.
Me: He’s making it seem like I woke up
one day and said, “Hey, I’m about to
involve myself in your friends’ lives and I
don’t give a shit about you. Bye.”
Melinda: You disagree that you
overstepped your boundaries with Dean
and his fiancée?
Me: Dean literally looked us in the eye
and told us he needs us. What kind of
asshole do you think I am?
He looks at me.
Me: When we are fighting, your friends
get involved. When Liwa and Vuvu fight,
we get involved. When Dean and Nolwazi
fight, we all get involved. How is this
foreign to you?
Derek: You are fucken pregnant, and you
were almost killed! Why don’t you get
that?
Me: If your concern is that then you say it
like that. You don’t come at me and make
it seem like I’m some nosy bitch who likes
other people’s business. That’s what
pisses me off. You’re painting me as a
nosy person!
Melinda: Alright, so this is the root of the
tension.
We both look at her.
Melinda: Both your intentions are
misunderstood.
She looks at Derek.
Melinda: You are trying to protect
Ziyanda. Because of the danger she’s been
exposed to, you want to keep her safe.
That’s your main concern.
She then looks at me.
Melinda: Ziyanda, you on the other hand,
are not getting this message. You keep
hearing him say you’re too involved, and
it comes across as negative feedback.
Me: Derek has this habit of bottling things
up, and when he does finally speak up, he
goes in hard. He’ll paint me as a bad
person. What I’ve been getting is that I’m
nosy, and I love meddling in other
people’s business. I haven’t been getting
this protective perspective.
Melinda: You feel like you’re sticking to
the group’s norm: to be there for
someone else when they’re at their
lowest.
Me: Yes, emphasis on the word “lowest.”
Yes, we’ve gone through our own shit, but
at that moment, our friends were at their
lowest. They needed us. You and I are not
at our lowest point right now, because
our baby is healthy and all I got from that
incident was stab wounds, nothing else.
I’m okay.
Derek: But, I’m not okay, Ziyanda. I almost
lost you.
I sigh and look at Melinda in defeat.
Me: I don’t know, I feel like we’re not
hearing each other.
Melinda: You’re not.
We both look at her.
Melinda: You’re both fixated on your
point of views.
Me: I need to pee. She chuckles and nods
as I stand and walk out.
I need some fresh air.
***
I come back and drink some water.
I sit again.
I feel better now that I got fresh air.
Melinda looks at us.
Melinda: Can I tell you something?
We look at her.
Melinda: Your stubbornness is
unmatched…both of you.
She chuckles.
Melinda: In every relationship, you need
common ground. Yes, you’ll have different
opinions, but there has to be a point
where both of you can meet and accept
your differences. That’s the only way you
can have a healthy relationship. You
cannot be fixated on your views-
compromise has to be your best friend.
She is quiet for a few seconds.
Melinda: I’m going to give you some
privacy.
With that said, she stands and walks out.
I don’t pay her to leave me with my
problems. This white woman better come
back here and sort this shit out.
We sit in silence for a very long time.
Derek: I can’t bring myself to apologise
for wanting to keep you safe.
Me: I can’t bring myself to apologise for
being a supportive friend.
We sit in silence for a while.
Derek: What can you bring yourself to
apologise for? I sigh.
Me: Not finding a proper balance.
Derek: Elaborate.
Me: My area of growth is finding a balance
between helping others, and not
exhausting myself.
Derek: That’s what I want for you.
Me: Then you should have said that.
Derek: Didn’t I?
Me: It’s not about what you say, it’s about
how you say it. You know I don’t respond
well to being told what to do.
He nods.
Me: Your intention was misconstrued.
Derek: Because I didn’t communicate in a
way that accommodated you, everything I
said didn’t really reach you.
I keep quiet.
Derek: I’m sorry for that.
Me: I’m sorry for making you feel
dismissed.
Derek: It’s okay.
Me: Dean needed us.
Derek: Right now, my priority is you and
my son.
I sigh.
Derek: But, I hear you. I was too hard on
you.
Me: Too much.
He stands.
Derek: Come here for a sec. I stand and he
pulls me closer to him, till our bodies
touch.
Derek: I hate fighting with you.
Me: Really? It sure has hell didn’t look like
it when you told me to pack my shit, and
then leave me hungry.
Derek: I almost gave in when I saw you
crying because of hunger.
Me: Derek!
He laughs.
Me: Can we not fight for the remainder of
this pregnancy?
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Okay, baby.
Just as he kisses me again, the opens and
Melinda walks in.
Melinda: Well, what do we have here?
She chuckles.
Melinda: Common ground and
compromise…
She smiles brightly.
Melinda: You are exceptional learners…

INSERT 172
It’s been two months since “the incident.”
Ever since that session with Melinda, I
have stopped asking too many questions.
Till this day, I don’t know what happened
to Ntsiki, and as much as I still want to
know, I’ve managed to avoid asking
questions.
Dean and Nolwazi have been working on
their relationship. Because Nolwazi is so
forgiving, she hasn’t been giving Dean a
hard time. Also, I think as soon as she
found out what happened to Dean, she
approached the whole thing differently.
Dean, on the other hand, has turned into
another version of Derek: super-duper
protective and dramatic. He’s been
working on gaining Nolwazi’s trust back.
He even agreed to see a therapist with
Nolwazi. I definitely support this, because
it’s always good to have a third neutral
person listening to your problems.
Nomvuyo, Liwa and Zimkitha are still
obsessed with each other. They’re
inseparable- nothing new here.
I must say that I’m glad that I’m not
working. Dean refers to me as a suburban
house-girlfriend. Derek continues to
ensure that I’m relaxed and stress-free.
Today we’re hosting a housewarming
brunch. Yes, we’ve been here for two
months, but we’re officially settled, and
Derek wants his friends to come see his
new home. I’m still coming to terms with
it.
The past two months have been a
rollercoaster, mostly because of my
pregnancy. I’m 7 months pregnant, and
I’m over it. I don’t know who lied and said
carrying a child is a great experience. I’m
constantly uncomfortable, I can’t sleep
peacefully because of the kicks and
movements, my feet are swollen, I’m
fatter, my boobs are heavy, and did I
mention that I can’t sleep properly? I feel
like people sold me dreams. There’s
nothing cute about pregnancy. This is a
fulltime job.
Anyway, before I digress any further...
Today, brunch, private chef, going all out,
house-girlfriend vibes, sexy beast who
stays doing the most…
Derek walks in the bedroom as I get
dressed.
He closes door.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Derek: Everyone’s here.
Me: Okay.
He walks to me and helps with my bra.
Me: Can’t I just go around braless?
Derek: Baby, you do that every day. We
have guests today.
Me: Are you ashamed of my
watermelons?
Derek: You know I’m obsessed with them.
I put on my dress and he smiles coyly.
Derek: You’re beautiful.
Me: Ohho.
He chuckles and pulls me closer, but the
belly stands in the way.
Derek: We’ve come a long way.
Me: Indeed.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Me: Let me sort out my hair.
Derek: Be quick.
Me: Hmkay.
He walks out.
I must admit that although this pregnancy
drives me crazy, I’m in a good space, and
Derek contributes greatly to this space.
Sexy Beast stays doing the damn thing.
***
When I walk outside, everyone is there:
Dean, Nolwazi, Liwa, Nomvuyo, Zimkitha,
Malusi, Nandi, Gabi and Joe.
The large circular table is there, as usual.
They all exclaim when they see me.
Me: Hello, everyone.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Nomvuyo: Hey, love. Look at you, all
preggies.
Me: Not funny.
I sit between Dean and Nomvuyo.
Nandi: I didn’t know you were pregnant,
Ziyanda. Congratulations!
Gabi: None of us knew!
I glance at Derek.
Derek: Thought I mentioned it…
Gabi: So secretive.
I can’t help but stare at Gabi in awe. Why
does she look so graceful, while my
pregnancy is killing me? She makes it look
so easy.
Derek pours me water.
I stare at Nandi and Malusi. Are they back
together? What’s going on with them?
My thoughts are interrupted by Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: How’s the new house treating
you?
Me: It’s a bit big, but I like it.
Gabi: The bigger, the better. No one’s
trying to live in a small house. We’re too
rich for that.
This one is goals. You’d swear she’s the
one who makes all this money she brags
about.
Nomvuyo: Nandi, will you have another
child?
Nandi coughs and giggles.
Nandi: Not anytime soon.
I look at Malusi and he’s staring at her all
gooey.
Nandi: I’m still enjoying being single.
Gabi: Weren’t you dating that property
guy?
Nandi: I was.
Gabi: What happened?
Nandi sips her water. She’s clearly
uncomfortable.
Malusi: Would you like us to question you
on your exes as well, Gabisile?
Gabi: Heyy, I’m just asking!
Malusi grunts.
Nolwazi: I miss being single.
Dean: Uyanya.
Everyone laughs.
Gabi: Lwazi, you moved straight into a
serious relationship after your divorce,
right?
Nolwazi: Dean didn’t give me much of a
choice.
Dean: Fuck that… You were swooning
over me.
Nolwazi: Excuse me? You were the one
shaking when you had to shoot your shot.
Don’t you dare come for me.
Me: He was shaking??
I begin laughing, as I imagine Dean all
nervous while shellaring Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: He took me to a restaurant and
started speaking in riddles. It was quite
entertaining.
Dean: Mxm.
We all laugh as Nolwazi tells us how Dean
approached her.
Liwa: But, he didn’t hesitate to fuck.
Nolwazi: Liwa!
Dean chuckles.
Dean: She was going through a rather dry
season- quivering and shit.
We continue laughing.
Nolwazi looks at him and smiles.
Nolwazi: Remember how you drove four
hours to Dundee, just to bring me food,
because I refused to eat my in-laws’ food?
Dean nods and they smile mischievously. I
assume there’s some dirty thoughts
involved.
It’s so good to see them like this. I
honestly had my doubts at first, but they
are really trying to make it work.
Zimkitha: You have come so far… I’m
proud of you.
Nolwazi plants a kiss on Dean’s cheek. We
all say, “Awww!”
We begin eating and the conversation
flows, as usual.
***
It’s now around 2pm, and this brunch has
turned into a mini-party. I don’t know
when or how we got to this point.
Liwa is the DJ and I’m shocked that he’s
playing such good music.
Gabi is obvs my dancing spirit animal.
Nolwazi is also doing the things. Lol, of
course the guys and Nomvuyo) are
uptight. Come to think of it, I’ve never
been “clubbing” with Derek. Ever since I
met him, I gained weight nje because all
we do is go to these fancy restaurants.
Lol, these men are actually so boring and
liveless. I think they’re judging us as we
dance.
DJ Liwa decides to play Beyonce’s Party,
one of my all-time favs.
I walk to Derek and put out my hand.
Derek: What?
Me: Let’s dance.
He looks at me like I’m crazy.
I glance at Dean and he takes out his
phone and shakes his head.
Dean: Angijoli nawe.
Me: Wow!
I look at Derek.
Me: I’m carrying a baby, and I’m still able
to dance. What’s stopping you?
Derek: Baby, I don’t dance. Have you ever
seen me dance? Why would I dance?
Dean: I don’t even get the logic behind
dancing, honestly.
Me: Are you serious??
Dean: You sway from left to right, and
then what?
I look at both of them in shock. Nolwazi
grabs my arm and laughs.
Nolwazi: Don’t bother. They’re too stiff!
Me: I’m so shocked!
She laughs and we go back to dancing.
See, Beyonce’s Party is the perfect song
for me right now- chilled and groovy- not
too heavy.
Also, I didn’t realise how many things I’ve
stopped doing since I met Derek. Even
though I’m not a fan of clubs and crowded
parties, I used to love those once in a
while, random nights out- my friends and
I would dance our butts off… Now, it’s all
a myth.
After a few songs, I’m tired.
In fact, we’re all tired.
The DJ stops the party and we make our
way back to the table.
Nomvuyo gets close to me ear.
Nomvuyo: When I went to the bathroom, I
saw Malusi and Nandi kissing in one of
the rooms.
Me: What? Really?
She nods.
Me: Clearly the divorce didn’t mean
anything.
Nomvuyo: Yep.
I look over at Malusi and Nandi, and
indeed, they do look lovey dovey.
When Liwa gets to the table, we give him
a round of applause and he smiles
brightly.
Me: You were amazing!
Liwa: Jack of all trades, people!
Nomvuyo smiles at me.
Nomvuyo: You’re so forward… Sit down.
Derek clears his throat and we all look at
him. He stands
Derek: I’d like to thank you all for coming.
We’ll take you on a tour of our home
shortly.
They all clap playfully and Derek laughs
lightly.
Derek: I’d also like to thank my baby,
Ziyanda, for turning it into a warm space.
He smiles at me.
Derek: I love you, baby.
Me: Love you too, Star.
Derek: Now that we’re home owners, and
things have settled, I’d like to give you a
well-deserved gift.
I look at him in confusion.
Derek: It’s a little token of my love and
appreciate.
He takes it out.
I smile and immediately tear up.
I can hear everyone exclaiming excitedly.
Derek: We’ve already discussed this, but
there was no follow-up on my part.
He smiles warmly as he opens the small-
squared velvet box.
He kneels and stares at me lovingly.
I was not ready for any of this. My heart is
beating fast. My smile is from ear to ear.
Derek: I can’t imagine not having you in
my life. We’ve built something solid here,
and I’m grateful as fuck…
He smiles.
Derek: Baby, will you please spend the
rest of your life with me, and teach me
how to dance?
I squeal as I look at the diamond ring.
Me: Of course!
I can’t even keep track of what happens
next, because there’s a lot of screaming
and clapping.

INSERT 173
Derek: Baby.
I open my eyes and blink a few times.
Derek: Come to bed.
I groan as I sit up.
Me: What’s the time?
Derek: 10pm.
Me: I’m hungry.
Derek: It’s late.
Me: Star, I’m really hungry.
Derek: I’ll get you grapes.
Me: Hai, I want a sandwich.
He looks at me disapprovingly.
Me: Don’t come for me.
Derek: You can’t let your cravings control
you, baby.
Me: Awume, let’s go make this sandwich.
I stand and then pull him.
Me: Stop being a cock-blocker.
We get to the kitchen and I take out the
bread.
Me: Let’s make a quick and simple one:
egg and bacon.
Derek: I’m going to tell Dr. Modisa.
Me: Snitches get stitches. He chuckles as
he takes out the ingredients and I switch
on the stove for him.
Me: I miss my peaceful sleep yazi.
Derek: Two more months.
Me: The movements are annoying.
Derek: Maybe your next pregnancy will
be better.
Me: Next what?
He smiles slyly.
Me: Uyanya.
Derek: I want at least 4 kids.
Me: U-right phela. You’ll carry them
yourself.
He laughs.
Me: You think this is an easy job? I’m
dying here!
I watch as he makes my sandwich. Once
he’s done, he hands me the plate.
Me: Thank you, lover.
He grabs another high stool and sits next
to me.
Just as I take my first bite, my eyes land
on my ring and I squeal.
Me: I forgot!
Derek: What?
Me: I’m engaged, booboo!
He smiles as I wave my left hand.
Me: If you like it then you should have put
a ring on it…
He laughs as I continue singing.
Derek: You’re not a single lady.
Me: Yaas!
He watches as I eat my sandwich. Me:
Want a bite?
He nods and I shake my head.
Me: Then, make your own sweetie.
Derek: You’re such a meanie.
I give him the other half and we eat.
Me: I’m a bit hyper.
Derek: I can see.
Me: Let’s have a party of two!
He looks at me in defeat. He looks tired,
but who’s business is it? I can’t be up by
myself.
Once we’re done, I help him clean up and
then we go to the lounge where I put on
one of my playlists.
Me: In the mood to dance!
I turn to look at him, and he yawns.
Me: Don’t be a party-pooper.
I play Destiny’s Child’s (Bey’s :p ) No No
No.
He watches as I attempt Beyoncé’s
choreography. I refuse to allow this baby
to prevent me from flourishing right now.
Derek: If this is not abuse…
Me: Don’t come for me.
After a few Beyoncé songs, I’m huffing
and puffing.
Derek: Are you done?
Me: Didn’t you say you want dance
lessons?
Derek: I’m not dancing to Beyoncé,
Ziyanda.
Me: Come on!
Derek: Forget it.
Me: What do you want to dance to?
Derek: The sound of your snoring.
My jaw drops and he laughs.
I throw a cushion at him and he laughs.
Derek: I’m sleepy, baby.
Me: Then go sleep.
He raises an eyebrow.
Derek: You know I can’t sleep without my
melons.
Me: Mxm.
I switch off the TV and he smiles.
He switches off the lights and we make
our way to the bedroom.
As soon as his head is on my right boob,
he’s out.
I have no choice but to reflect on the
amazing day that I had.
***
Another month has passed…
I feel like if someone were to push me, I’d
fall and never be able to get up. I am
literally counting down the days till my
due date. I can’t take it anymore, I’m
exhausted all the time.
Derek is finally done with the nursery and
I must admit that I love it. I’m glad he
didn’t go the obvious route and choose
blue as a theme, instead he chose grey
with elements of green, yellow and white-
very cute and different.
Me: I had no idea that you were an
interior designer.
Derek: Well… There’s a lot you don’t
know about me.
Me: Surely that’s a bad thing, seeing as
we’re engaged?
He places his arm on my shoulders and
we walk out of the nursery.
Derek: We have the rest of our lives to
learn more about each other… That’s a lot
of time.
Me: Ohho.
When we get downstairs, we find Dean
there.
Me: Look what the wind blew in!
Dean: Nolwazi and I are hosting
Christmas this year.
Derek: We can’t come.
Dean: Uyanya.
Me: Dean, I might be pushing this baby
out.
Dean: Shit, is that your due date?
Me: Possibly.
Dean: So, we’re going to spend Christmas
in a hospital?
I laugh.
Me: We’ll see.
Dean shakes his head lightly.
Dean: Nothing surprises me anymore in
this group.
Derek: Your mom will be here soon, Zi.
Dean: Did you remind her to bring my
chicken?
Me: Yes, how could I possibly forget, with
you breathing down my neck every
second?
Dean: I’ll fetch it later. I have errands to
run.
Me: Bye!
***
My mom is obsessed with the house. Lol,
actually, obsessed is an understatement.
Derek: I’m glad you love it. Would you be
willing to move in with us once my son is
born?
He has been annoying me with this. He
wants my mom to move in with us,
because he doesn’t want strangers to take
care of the baby.
Mom: You want me to move in?
Derek: Not permanently. We’ll need you
for the first few weeks.
My mom laughs and looks at me
questioningly.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: I’m not sure about moving in, but
we’ll definitely need you.
Mom: Well, it’s not like I have experience
with children. I only raised one.
Derek: I trust you.
My mom sighs.
Mom: Alright then.
He smiles ever so brightly.
Mom: So, everything is ready for our
baby?
Derek: Yes, 100%.
Mom: Unamanga. What about names?
Have you decided on any?
Lord. That has honestly been the least of
my worries. It completely slipped my
mind.
Me: I forgot.
Derek: Wow, I also forgot.
My mom shakes her head.
Mom: Well, your dad and I came up with a
few names.
Derek: Really?
She nods.
Mom: What would you two like to name
him?
Derek: Hmm…
I take out my phone.
Mom: And then?
Me: I’m going to look for names.
Mom: Haibo, Ziyanda, really??
Me: What? I don’t want my child to have a
basic name. I’m sure the internet has
some nice ones.
Derek chuckles.
Mom: This internet has ruined your
generation!
Me: How many names do you want him to
have?
I look at Derek. Derek: I don’t know.
Mom: Will you give him an English name?
Me: Eueew, no! I won’t oppress my baby!
Derek: Wow!
My mom laughs.
Me: Ayikabi, Derek. Apartheid is over, our
people can flourish now.
Mom: I agree.
Me: One name I won’t compromise on is
Nkanyezi. We are definitely naming him
Nkanyezi.
Derek tries to hide it, but struggles- he’s
blushing profusely.
Mom: It’s a beautiful name.
Me: Love it. He’ll be Star junior.
Derek smiles.
I look at my mom.
Me: Nkanyezi will be his first name.
I look at Derek.
Me: Are you happy with that?
Derek: I’m flattered.
He stifles a smile.
Me: Mom, what are your options?
Mom: First, we have Mphikeleli. He who
perseveres.
I begin laughing and they stare at me.
Me: Mphikeleli sounds like a 50-year-old
man’s name!
Mom: Ziyanda!
Derek tries by all means to smother a
laugh. He knows I’m right.
Me: Ngathi my child will pop out with a
beard and everything! Uh-uh mama.
Mom: You are unbelievable!
Me: Hai, I love you, but that name is the
worst.
Mom: Wow.
She looks at me, clearly offended.
I don’t even feel bad. I’m not about to give
my baby a shady name. He’ll have this
name forever; it will be part of his
identity. Mphikeleli? Nope.
Derek: Zi, stop being rude.
Me: Okay, I’m sorry.
I keep quiet and look at my mom.
Mom: Wow, I don’t even want to do this
anymore. You’re so rude.
Me: Askies, sthandwa.
Mom: Mxm.
She looks at Derek.
Mom: Can I have some Coke?
Derek: Sure.
He stands and walks away.
Me: Love you.
Mom: Hai suka.
She takes the remote and switches on the
TV.
Mom: I can’t believe you sometimes…
I laugh quietly.
INSERT 174
It’s the 16th of December and I am
beyond excited that Niki is coming over.
We’ve been seeing each other a lot lately,
like the good old days. I’ve been in a very
good space, despite my physical barriers.
I guess that’s what happens when you
stop trying to solve people’s problems,
huh?
Derek has also just been doing the most.
When I say this man is heaven sent, I be
telling the whole truth. He’s been catering
to my every need in every single way-
except sexually. We’ve stopped having
sex. I feel gross and truck-like. There’s no
way I’m engaging in coitus.
Anyway, just as I walk out of the
bathroom, the door opens and Niki walks
in.
Niki: Heyiii.
Me: Heyiii.
She throws herself on the bed and I dry
myself.
Niki: You’re ready to pop.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know, fool.
She laughs.
Niki: Are you nervous?
Me: Nervous?
Niki: Wow, sisi, you’re going to spread
and bust it wide open!
Me: Niki, euww!
Niki: Apparently, when the baby is too
big, they cut up the vagina!
Me: I don’t need your negativity right
now!
She sighs dramatically.
Me: Come put this lotion on me and stop
talking nonsense.
I pass the lotion to her and she catches it.
Niki: We’re way too close for my liking.
Me: Girl, Star and I may as well make you
our sister wife.
We laugh.
Me: How’s your future mother-in-law,
anyway?
Niki: She’s out of the hospital and now she
wants to stay with Kwanele.
Me: Hai hai, ngoba?
Niki: She says Kwani’s the only one who
can take care of her.
Me: Wow, I hope you won’t allow that
shit!
Niki: Listen, I’ve made myself clear! That
bitter old divorcee will not ruin my life!
Me: Maybe she’s lonely.
Niki: Whose business is it? I don’t blame
Kwanele’s father for leaving her ass!
I sigh.
Me: Hopefully, she won’t come for you.
From what I’ve gathered, she doesn’t
mind being dirty.
Niki: Mxm, I’m ready for anything she
throws my way.
Me: As long as you’re aware of her tactics.
Derek walks in and stares at us.
Derek: Wow.
Niki: Hey, boo!
Derek: Don’t get too comfortable there
with touching my fiancé.
Niki: Yoooh ngaze ngavelelwa. If it’s not
this balloon of yours flashing her ring at
me, it’s you throwing shots at me!
Me: Niki!
She laughs.
Derek: Baby, Vuvu wants you to come
over for lunch.
Me: I can’t, I’m with Niki.
Derek: Then, she’ll join you.
I look at Niki and she shrugs.
Niki: I don’t mind hanging out with
Beauty. She’s okay.
I chuckle.
Me: Alright, then.
Niki: I’ll drive us.
Derek: Uhh, no.
Niki rolls her eyes.
Me: Hai, sisi. You drive like a maniac; I
decline your services.
Niki: Mxm.
Derek: I’ll drop you off.
Me: Okay.
He gives Niki a stern look.
Derek: You can stop touching her boobs
now.
Niki: Fuseeg!
She squeezes them and I smack her hand.
Me: That hurts wena.
Derek walks out and I get dressed.
***
We’re now in the car driving to
Nomvuyo’s house.
Niki: Friend, who would have thought
we’d end up here? Look at us living our
best lives.
Me: I don’t feel like I’m living my best life
right now.
She laughs.
Me: I’ve been craving a very potent
mojito.
Derek: A few more weeks, baby.
Me: Whatever.
Derek: I also miss my whiskey. You seem
to forget that I’m just as thirsty.
Me: Oh please, I know you’ve been
drinking on the DL.
Derek: Me?? Never!
Me: Ohho.
We finally get to Nomvuyo’s house and
Derek helps me get out of the car.
Derek: I like your dress.
Me: You do?
He nods and looks at me all soppy and
mushy.
Me: Staap!
He kisses my forehead.
Me: Walk me in.
Derek: Anything for y-
Niki: Excuse me, I’m hungry! Let’s go!
She struts her stuff and we follow her.
Niki: A bitch is starving.
Me: You don’t even know this house. Sit
down and be humble.
Derek opens the door for us and we walk
in.
Me: Vuvuuu!
Nomvuyo: In the kitchen!
Niki rolls her eyes.
Niki: Gosh.
Derek: Niki, is that jealousy I smell?
Niki: Derek, fuck off.
Derek laughs and I join him. I know she’s
low-key jealous of my friendship with
Vuvu, but she always checks herself
because she knows there’s no reason to
be.
We get to the kitchen and sure enough,
Nomvuyo is there, looking gorgeous as
usual, in her simple dress.
Me: Vuvu, I hate how beautiful you are.
Nomvuyo: Me too. It gets overwhelming
sometimes.
Me: Bitch!
She laughs and we share a side hug,
because I don’t do normal hugs anymore.
Nomvuyo: Look at you in your floral
dress! So adorable!
Me: Uhm, I wasn’t really going for
adorable.
She laughs and then looks at Niki.
Nomvuyo: Hi, Nikiwe.
Niki: Hey, Vuvu.
They share a hug.
Nomvuyo: We’re going to eat outside, it’s
too hot in here.
We walk outside and I’m shocked to find
Nolwazi, Nandi and Gabi out there.
I stand there, trying to process
everything.
They all yell, “Surprise!”
Me: What’s happening?
Nomvuyo: Your baby shower, silly!
I chuckle as I look around at the lovely
décor.
Me: This is for me?
Gabi: Yes!
I continue chuckling.
Derek kisses my cheek.
Derek: See you later.
Me: Are you leaving?
Derek: Apparently I’m not allowed to be
here.
I sigh and he kisses me again.
Derek: Have fun, okay?
Me: Okay.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
Derek: Bye, ladies.
They all say bye to him and he jogs away.
Me: This is sweet.
Nomvuyo: You’re not angry?
Me: No.
They all laugh and I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: Niki came up with the idea. We
had already decided that we wouldn’t
have a baby shower, we’d just give you
your gifts, but she insisted on it.
I look at Niki and smile.
Me: Thank you. This is really sweet.
Nomvuyo: This baby is already changing
you, huh?
Me: Argh, whatever.
I walk to Nolwazi and we share a hug, I
then move to Nandi and she rubs my
belly.
Nandi: You’re making me want another
baby.
Nomvuyo: With Malusi?
Nandi: Hell no.
Nomvuyo: Hmm.
Me: Hey, Gabs.
Gabi: Hey, boo.
She gives me a peck on the cheek and
then rubs my belly,
Gabi: Ready to pop?
Me: You have no idea.
Gabi: I am really enjoying this pregnancy,
and funny enough, I’ve had so many men
ask me out!
We all laugh.
Gabi: I feel sexier.
Me: Hai, I’m the complete opposite. We all
sit.
Gabi: So, we’re going to play games
throughout the afternoon. The first one
will get us all warmed up and in the
mood.
Niki: We know how corny you can be, so
this baby shower is going to be old
school- chilled and fun.
Me: Yay!
I’m beyond excited.
Gabi: The name of the first game is Play-
Doh Babies.
She gives each of us gift bags.
Gabi: There’s different coloured play-doh
in there. The objective of the game is to
create the cutest baby you can with the
doh. We have pencils, beads and some
toys, just to help you get creative with
your babies.
Nolwazi: I used to love play-doh when I
was young!
Nandi: It reminds me of Lele. She’s
obsessed with it.
Me: Then, clearly you two have an
advantage here.
Gabi: The one with the cutest baby will
win something! Are we ready?
We all nod.
Gabi: There goes my manicure…
Nomvuyo: I don’t know how you cope
with those long nails. I always tell Ziyanda
to get rid of them.
Nolwazi: How do you even function with
them?
Gabi: You get used to them.
Me: It’s not that bad.
Niki: You have to get rid of them, now that
you’ll be changing diapers.
I sigh heavily.
Niki: Gelish is good for your nails, boo,
uzoba strong. We all focus on our play-
doh.
Nandi: Are you excited, Zi?
Me: I don’t know. Somehow, physically,
I’m over it, but emotionally and mentally,
I’m at peace. It’s so strange.
Nandi: That’s good.
Niki: Derek contributes to that peace,
neh?
Me: Most definitely. He’s awesome.
Niki: All of you have kids?
Nolwazi: Except Gabi- well, she’s
expecting her first child.
Nomvuyo: Would you have a child with
Kwanele right now?
I have to stop myself from choking. Why
is Nomvuyo this person? Yeses!
Niki: No, I’m not going to have children
anytime soon.
Nomvuyo: Really?
Niki: I’ll live vicariously through Zizi.
Gabi: Konje you’re dating Lwazi’s ex!
Yoh, nkos’ yami.
Niki: Yep. Not awkward at all.
Nolwazi laughs sweetly.
Nolwazi: I don’t feel awkward. Please
don’t feel awkward around me?
Niki smiles and nods.
Lwazi is such a sweetheart.
Nolwazi: How is he?
Niki: He’s good…
Nolwazi nods.
Nolwazi: That’s good.
Nomvuyo: I hope you’re dealing with that
psycho mother of his.
Niki chuckles.
Niki: That one is a problem.
Nolwazi: Is she still crazy?
Niki: Mxm, she is. I thought being in
hospital would change her, but clearly
not.
Me: Okaaay, can we not discuss Niki’s
relationship? It may not be awkward for
you, but it sure is for me!
They all laugh.
Gabi: Okay, 5 minutes left!
We all focus on our play-doh and try to
finish up.

INSERT 175 (Part 1)

Gabi: Ladies, we’re going to play the next
game now! This is a nursery rhymes quiz.
Nolwazi: Nursery Rhymes, as in Twinkle
Twinkle Little Star?
Gabi giggles and nods.
Gabi: I have made copies of a few nursery
rhymes, but there are missing parts. Each
of you will get a copy and you have to fill
in the missing parts.
Niki: I grew up in the township. We didn’t
sing these English songs!
We all laugh and I nod.
Me: We really didn’t!
Niki: Well, at least you teach kids. I’m sure
you’ve heard these songs!
I continue laughing as Gabi hands out the
papers.
Gabi: Alright, the first one to finish is the
winner. Go! We all focus on our papers.
I’m not that shocked that I know all of
them, I’ve heard them in the Grade R
classes.
I quickly fill in the missing parts and
squeal.
Me: Done!
Nomvuyo: Argh, what’s the last one?
Me: Vuvu, really? Three Blind Mice.
She laughs and shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: I didn’t sing these songs to
Nyami. She loved jazz, for some odd
reason.
Nolwazi: The twins love classical music…
Especially Khule.
Me: I’m sure uSimo prefers Beyonce.
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Don’t come for my baby.
For the next few minutes, we discuss the
different nursery rhymes, and I am
declared the winner.
Gabi: Alright, it’s time for gifts!
Me: Can we eat first? I’m starving!
Niki: Me too.
Gabi looks at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Okay, I’ll get the food.
Niki: Need help?
Nomvuyo: Yep.
Nomvuyo, Niki and Gabi stand and make
their way inside the house. Nolwazi looks
at me and smiles.
Nolwazi: This pregnancy hasn’t been easy,
but you seem softer.
I sigh.
Me: The past two months have been a
dream,, thanks to Derek.
Nolwazi: These men really go the extra
mile.
Me: Are you and Dean okay? I miss his
arrogant ass.
Nolwazi: You two are crazy. It hasn’t even
been a week since you last saw each
other, but you’re being dramatic.
I chuckle.
Nolwazi: To answer your question, Dean
and I are in a good space. I prayed very
hard for God to open up my heart and
allow me to forgive him.
Me: Wow, you really are a great person. I
would have tossed his ass.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda!
She laughs lightly.
Nolwazi: At the end of the day, he was
also a victim. There was no way I was
going to let him take the blame for
everything. Yes, he played a role in the
mess, but he wasn’t responsible for
everything.
Me: How are the therapy sessions going?
Does he open up?
She chuckles.
Nolwazi: Yes, he does, surprisingly. I’ve
learnt so much about him in the past
month, and it’s all thanks to these
sessions.
I smile.
Me: See? There’s nothing wrong with
having an extra pair of ears.
Nolwazi: I must admit that I was sceptical
in the beginning. It’s been an interesting
experience, a good one. Thank you for
basically forcing us to do it.
Me: I’ve come to realise that talking helps.
Through talking, you figure out a lot shit.
Nolwazi: True. You’re such a mature
young lady, Zi.
Me: Hmm, not everyone would agree with
that.
We both laugh. The ladies come back with
the food and we immediately dish up for
ourselves.
Overall, it was a lovely baby shower.
My circle may be small, but it is definitely
filled with powerhouses- women who
don’t back down when they’re faced with
challenges. Women who are thriving in all
aspects of their lives… This is some deep,
inspirational shit, I tell you.
***
It’s now the 24th of December.
Derek has been on me like an STD. I have
never seen him this panicky. Every move I
make, he’s right there, watching and
lurking.
Nomvuyo and my mother have also been
doing the most. My mom is officially
staying with us and Nomvuyo is also here
most of the time.
We’re now on our way to the hospital.
Is it normal for me to feel this calm? I
genuinely don’t feel like a person who’s
about to give birth. Yes, my lower belly is
heavy and uncomfortable, but I’m not in
pain or anything.
We finally get there.
After a while, Dr Modisa confirms that I’m
not ready to give birth.
Derek: What? What do you mean?
Dr: You need to remember that a due date
is not concrete, it’s an estimation.
Derek groans.
Dr: The next week is going to be her 36th
week. Her contractions should intensify
then. Right now, the baby is not
positioned perfectly.
Derek: Okay.
Mom: We just want him to come out
already.
Dr Modisa smiles.
Dr: I understand, even I can’t wait to meet
little Nkanyezi.
Me: Alright then. See you soon.
Dr: See you soon.
We share a hug and then she walks out. I
get up and my mom fixes my top.
Mom: One more week.
Me: Thanks for packing the bag, Vuvz.
Nomvuyo: You’re welcome, love.
Me: Can we get something to eat? I’m
hungry.
I look at Derek and he nods. I can tell that
he’s disappointed about having to wait
another week.
Uzoba strength.
*** It’s been a couple of days since we saw
Dr Modisa. Melinda has also been coming
to see me, because my biggest concern
right now is Postpartum Depression.
We’ve been openly discussing my anxiety
and how I can weather the storm. I don’t
want to suffer after I give birth, so I’m
trying by all means to focus on the
positive every single day. I am blessed
with an amazing family: my mom and dad
are supportive as hell, and they always
make it clear that they will never turn
their backs on me- that unconditional
love makes me feel secure. I am blessed
with amazing friends: my circle has my
back, these people never fail to stop their
agendas just to cater to me. Last but not
least, Sexy Beast is the greatest. This man
has come into my life and changed my
whole outlook on life and love. He loves
me deeply, and I don’t even doubt it. This
man has managed to unpeel every layer of
me, and loves me regardless of the mess
he has discovered about me along the
way. There is no way I’m going to allow
any negativity to fill and cripple me- I
refuse. I will fight for my happiness,
especially now that I’m about to have
another human being who’ll basically
depend on me with their life.
Anyway, it’s now the 30th of December,
and Derek has been too excited for my
liking.
He is convinced that his son will be born
on the 1st of January, his birthday.
Derek: Isn’t there a way we can get him
ready? He needs to be born on the 1st.
I laugh.
Me: I’m a vegetable right now. I want him
to come out more than you.
He smiles mischievously.
Derek: I miss being inside you.
Me: Derek! He shrugs.
Just then, his phone rings and he frowns.
Derek: It’s Busi.
Me: What?
He nods as he answers it.
Derek: Busi… You’re outside?... Why?...
He listens for a while and then ends the
call. I watch as he stands and walks away.
I don’t even bother asking. I try not to be
too vocal about Busi, especially when Lelo
is around. The last thing I want is to be
that person who paints a bad picture of a
child’s mother, then ruin their
relationship. I do think Busi’s parenting is
questionable, but I keep that shit to
myself.
A few minutes later, Derek walks in, Busi
follows him.
Derek: Have a sit.
He sits next to me and she sits on the
other couch.
Derek: What brings you here?
Busi glances at me.
Me: Hello, Busi.
Busi: Hi.
Me: Are you well?
She nods and looks at my belly.
I focus on the TV.
Derek takes the remote and lowers the
volume. Angazi why ahlupha mina when
they can easily go to another room.
Derek: Busisiwe.
Busi: I am moving permanently to PE.
Derek: Okay.
Busi: I’m taking Lelo with me.
Derek: Ukhuluma amasimba.
Yoh.
Busi: Derek!
Derek: What?
Busi: I have been offered a promotion.
Derek: Good for you.
Busi: I am taking Lelo with me.
Derek: Over my dead body.
Busi: Why??
Derek: You have just introduced him to
me, now you want to take him away? Are
you crazy?
She doesn’t say anything.
Derek: You don’t have the right to do as
you please. I refuse to let you separate me
from my son. You can do whatever you
want with your life, but I won’t allow you
to negatively affect my relationship with
my son. Forget it.
She looks at him intently.
Busi: You have another child coming. Why
are you so bothered?
Derek: The fact that you can even ask me
such bullshit shows me how immature
you are. This baby will not erase Lelo.
She rolls her teary eyes.
Derek: Lelo will stay with your mother,
here in Johannesburg. You will not take
away my son from me.
Busi: I’ll think about it.
Derek: Ungazobheda wena, there’s
nothing to think about. If you want us to
take this to court, then trust me, we will.
And, we both know who’s more credible
here.
Busi: You wouldn’t!
Derek: Test me, you’ll see.
She stands and looks at him angrily.
Busi: I hate you!
Derek: Hmkay.
Whenever Derek becomes this cold, all I
see is Dean and Liwa. They have this cold
side that scares the shit out of me.
Busi storms out and then Derek follows
her.
He comes back after a few minutes and
sits next to me again.
Me: Uhmm, I’m getting Ntsiki vibes right
now.
Derek: Me too. She’s too angry.
I sigh.
Me: If that bitch touches me, I’ll kill her!
Derek: Me too.
Me: At least our security is good.
He nods.
Derek: We have to be vigilant. I doubt
she’ll try anything though, she’s not that
crazy.
Me: Hmm, I’m sure that’s what Dean said
about Ntsiki at first.
He chuckles.
Derek: I’ll keep an eye on her.
Me: You better.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: Do you think I overreacted?
Me: I think your delivery was too cold.
You know she has the potential to be
crazy, so address her like that?
Derek: I couldn’t control myself.
Me: Uh-uh, you always tell me to assess
situations before I react. Practise what
you preach.
He sighs and rubs his chin.
Me: You mustn’t fuel her anger more,
even though she has no right to be acting
all innocent.
Derek: Okay.
Me: You’re putting us in danger.
Derek: I hear you.
Me: Good.
He smiles and leans closer to me.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too. Now, please dish up for
me.
He chuckles and stands.
Derek: Yes, ma’am!
***
I’m in bed, sleeping ever so peacefully,
when I’m awakened by Derek. He shakes
me lightly, but I refuse to wake up.
Derek: Ziyanda!
I open my eyes and look at him. Why did
he switch on the lights?
Me: What?? Stop annoying me!
Derek: Ziyanda, I think your water broke!
Me: Huh?
Derek: Look!
He removes the cover and as soon as I
shift, the wetness hits me. I am really wet.
How did I not feel any of this? What’s
going on??
I look at him in shock and he also stares at
me in shock.
Me: My water broke?
Derek: I’m assuming that’s the case!
We continue staring at each other in
shock.
Derek: Are you in pain?
Me: Not really.
He walks to my side and helps me get up.
We look down at the puddle that has filled
almost half of the bed.
Derek: Shit.
Me: Should we go to the hospital?
Suddenly, I’m numb. I don’t know how I’m
supposed to feel.
Derek: Let me call your mom.
Naye he seems to be paralysed
I watch as he walks away. When he gets to
the door, he stops, and turns.
Derek: Should I leave you here? Let’s go
together.
Me: You want me to come with you to my
mother’s room?
Derek: I don’t want to leave you here by
yourself.
I sigh as I start walking and follow him.
We get to my mom’s room and he knocks.
Mom: Come in!
Why is she still up? It’s literally 12am.
We walk in and find her in bed, reading
the Bible.
Mom: Hello, my babies. Yazi I struggle to
sleep without my husband. I have no
choice but to read and reflect.
Derek: Uhm, ma- She looks at us sweetly.
She has no clue.
Derek: Ziyanda’s water just broke.
Her eyes widen and she quickly gets out
of bed.
Mom: What??
She walks to me and immediately starts
touching me.
Mom: Are you in pain??
I shake my head.
Mom: Alright, we should go to the
hospital. Derek, call Dr Modisa.
Derek: Okay.
Mom: I’ll get everything, then we can go.
Derek rushes out.
Mom: Baby, let’s pray first.
She closes the door and takes my hands.
We bow our heads and start praying.
Overall, we thanked God for keeping me
safe throughout the 9 months. In addition,
we asked him to guide and protect me as
I’m about to embark on this new journey.
As soon as we’re done praying, everything
sinks in.
I am going to be a mother.
I am about to give birth.
I immediately start sobbing. I don’t know
why, or how I feel, I just sob.
My mom makes me sit down and
comforts me.
Mom: Calm down.
Me: I’m fine.
She gives me some water.
Derek walks in and rushes to me in panic.
Mom: It’s sinking in… Derek kisses my
forehead.
Derek: Let’s go.
He helps me stand and then we all walk
out.
Mom: Did you call Nomvuyo?
Derek: Yes.
Mom: Dean is going to fetch Ziyanda’s
father.
Derek: Okay.
I zone both of them out. As we get in the
car, I start feeling very uncomfortable. I
start feeling the way I usually feel when
my period pains are about to start… Like
my vagina is being pulled and pressed at
the same time.
Me: I think I can feel the contractions.
Mom: Oh, baby… This will not be easy.
Please gather up all your strength,
because you’re about to go through
something else…
I don’t know if she thought she was
helping ngoba now I’m starting to freak
out a bit.
I want Derek to hold me, but he’s too
focused on the road. I settle for my mom,
and take her hand.

INSERT 175 (Part 2)- Unedited

By the time we get to the hospital, my
contractions have intensified a bit, not too
much. Now, I feel like I’m experiencing
minor period pains. It’s nothing extreme.
We get to my room and Derek helps me
take off my clothes.
Nurse: Dr Modisa is on her way.
Derek: Can you please check if everything
is fine.
The nurse smiles.
Nurse: I’m about to do that, sir.
She looks at me.
Nurse: You’re in the first stage of labour.
Contractions will make your cervix
gradually open up, and the term for this
process is dilation. This is usually the
longest stage of labour.
Just then, the door opens and Dr Modisa
walks in.
Dr: Hello, there!
We all greet her back. I wonder who her
husband is. Imagine being married to a
doctor? These people’s work hours are
too crazy for my liking.
Dr: I see Nkanyezi will be born the same
day as his dad.
Me: Uhm, it’s only 1am right now. Derek’s
birthday is tomorrow. What are you
trying to say??
Haibo, phela it’s the 31st!
Dr: Right now, your cervix is starting to
soften so it can open. This is called the
early phase, and that’s why your
contractions are bit irregular.
Me: What?? How many phases are there??
Dr: We spoke about this, remember?
Derek: She zones out a lot.
She chuckles.
Dr: There are three stages. The first stage
can be categorised as the Dilation and
Effacement of the Cervix. Under this stage
we have three phases: early phase, active
phase, and transition phase.
Me: I’m still on the first phase?
She nods.
Me: So, I still have two other phases to get
through before I even move on to the
second stage of labour?
Dr: Yes, dear.
I groan.
Mom: So, she might give birth tomorrow.
Dr: Yes.
Me: Yoh.
Dr: You have to wait it out, there’s no
other way.
Me: Then how do you explain my water
breaking so early?
Dr: If your water breaks, contractions
usually follow within 12 to 24 hours. You
have to remember that everyone is
different.
I sigh heavily.
Dr: So, you can go back home. Your labour
is not yet established. Your cervix needs
to open up about 10cm for your baby to
pass through. That’s when you’re fully
dilated.
Mom: This is going to be a long journey.
Dr: Don’t stress. The baby is perfectly fine.
He just needs some time, so we have to
wait it out. Go home, get some sleep, and
make sure you eat, so that you will have
the energy when it’s time to push.
Me: I have to go back home?
Dr: You’ll get bored here, time will move
slower than usual.
Me: Okay. So, when should I come back?
Dr: When the contractions are regular
and coming about 3 in every 10 minutes.
Me: Right now, I don’t think I’m having
contractions. I just feel like I’m
experiencing minor period pains. The
pain is just there.
Dr: Exactly, so your contractions are still
irregular. Monitor them.
Me: Okay.
Dr: Take a warm bath as well, okay?
Me: Okay.
She smiles.
Dr: I can’t wait! She gives me a hug and
then walks out. The door opens again and
in walks my dad, Dean and Nomvuyo.
Dad: Are you ready to give birth?
I shake my head.
Derek: We have to go back home.
Nomvuyo: She’s still on the early phase.
I let Nomvuyo the Nurse, explain all of
this to my father.
Dean: Manje we woke up for nothing?
Everyone chuckles.
Mom: Asambeni.
They all walk out and close the door.
Derek helps me sit up and holds my
hands.
Derek: How are you?
Me: I’m okay.
He looks so stressed, I just want to hug
him, but I can’t.
Me: I’m good, Star, I promise. I’m not even
in that much pain. My usual period pains
are far worse than what I’m experiencing
right now.
Derek: Okay.
Me: Now, let’s go home, take a bath, and
sleep.
Derek: Okay, baby.
He kisses me and then helps me stand.
*** We get to the house.
My dad goes straight to my mom’s
bedroom to sleep.
Me: Mama, get some rest. We’ll be fine.
Mom: Are you sure?
Derek: Yes, I’ll run a bath for her.
Mom: Okay, call me if you need anything.
Derek: Okay.
She goes to her bedroom, and then Derek
and I go to our bedroom.
Derek: I’ll run a bath or you.
Me: Okay.
I watch as he walks to the bathroom.
It’s 2:30. I’m still okay. I haven’t died.
After a while, Derek walks back and he
helps me undress. He’s already naked,
and as much as I want coitus, it’s honestly
impossible.
Me: Do you think my vagina will recover?
He laughs.
Derek: What a ridiculous question. Of
course it’s going to recover.
We walk to the bathroom and he helps me
step in the tub. He sits behind me and I
relax on him.
Me: When is Busi leaving?
Derek: On the 3rd.
I sigh.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: I’m just wondering how you’ll be able
to juggle your two sons.
Derek: I think I’ll cope.
Me: Hmkay.
We’re silent for a long time. When I start
dozing off, he kisses my ear and I groan.
Me: I’ve been craving coitus lately.
He laughs and rubs my belly.
Me: I’m serious.
Derek: I’ve been trying to initiate, but you
always stop me.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: Let’s get you out of here, the water
is cooling down.
Me Okay.
I move so that he can get out, and then he
helps me stand. ***
I am awakened by Derek.
Derek: Here’s your breakfast, baby.
Me: What time is it?
He chuckles.
Derek: 11am.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I’m over this!
He plants a kiss on my cheek and I begin
eating.
The door opens and Dean walks in. I’ve
missed him a lot.
Dean: Dlamz.
He comes to the bed and sits next to me.
Dean: When are you giving birth kanti?
This is too much.
Me: You have no idea how fed up I am. I
can’t function right now.
Dean: Our lives have stopped now,
because we’re waiting for this fucktard to
come out!
Derek throws a pillow at him and it lands
on his face.
Derek: Fuck you. I laugh.
Me: Why are you calling my child a
fucktard? You are so mean.
We continue chatting while I eat. After a
while, I take a shower and get ready for
my daily walk with Derek around the
block.
*** As we’re walking back to the house, I
stop and look at Derek. Derek: What’s
wrong?
Me: I think I’m in pain.
He looks at me worriedly.
Me: Not extreme.
He takes my hand and we walk back to
the house.
Derek: I’m calling D-
Me: No, she said we must monitor my
contractions. I’m still fine.
He tries to say something and I shake my
head.
Me: I don’t want to go to the hospital right
now. I’d rather be in pain here.
Derek: How bad is it?
Me: The pain keeps going and coming
back.
He makes me sit on the couch and places
my feet on his lap.
Derek: Massage time.
Me: Yaas!
My dad walks to the lounge and sits.
Dad: This is a beautiful home you have
here.
I’m still getting used to this whole living
situation, especially because I’m not really
contributing much. It’s nice and all, but I
can’t help but wonder what will happen
when Derek and I have a crazy fight and
we decide to separate (extreme, I know).
Do I pack my bag and hit the road?
Dad: I wouldn’t survive though. It’s too
quiet in these suburbs of yours.
Me: It gets to me sometimes.
Derek: I wouldn’t survive in the township.
Me: You’re such a snob. Derek: I won’t
even deny that.
Me: Your hands are making me sleep.
Dad: Have you eaten?
Me: Yes.
Dad: Alright then, I’ll be outside, enjoying
the fresh air.
Me: Okay.
He stands and walks away.
Derek: I miss hugging you properly.
Me: Let’s not even go there.
He looks at me and smiles.
Derek: Do you realise that we will never
have this moment again, where it’s just
the two of us?
Me: I’m just glad we’re having a boy. I
don’t know how I’d handle a girl.
He groans.
Derek: I really wanted a girl.
Me: Hai, get over it.
He continues massaging me, while we
chat.
Eventually, I doze off.
***
I am awakened by a very sharp pain.
Heyi, I jump up and my eyes pop out.
The pain subsides. What the hell was
that?
I sit there, trying to understand.
Before I know it, another one flashes
back.
Whoaa!
I close my eyes. Surely I’m dreaming?
The second it comes back again, I let out a
scream.
Me: Mama!
Nomvuyo emerges and smiles.
Nomvuyo: Hey, love. Derek left with your
parents, I don’t know where they went.
Me: Vuvu.
I moan loudly and cringe as the sharp
pain hits again.
Nomvuyo raises an eyebrow and stares at
me softly.
Nomvuyo: Are the contractions kicking
in?
I nod and look at her worriedly.
She walks to me and rubs my belly.
After some time, she clears her throat.
Nomvuyo: It seems like they’re still
spaced farther than 5 minutes apart.
Me: What does that mean?
Nomvuyo: They’re still mild.
Me: Yoh.
She stands.
Nomvuyo: I’ll be back.
She walks to the kitchen, and comes back
after a few minutes with a towel. She
places it on my belly, and somehow the
warmth makes me feel at ease.
Nomvuyo: The trick to surviving
contractions is to stay calm and allow
yourself to feel them. Don’t fight them.
Me: Is it going to get worse?
Nomvuyo: Yes, but remember we’re all
different. You could be lucky and not
experience anything worse.
She looks at me softly and smiles.
Nomvuyo: You can do this. Don’t freak
out, okay?
I nod and relax.
She is definitely right, these contractions
are intense, but they’re spaced out a bit,
so I’m not in too much pain. It comes and
goes.
Nomvuyo: I’ll be right here, don’t worry.
Me: Thanks, mother hen.
She laughs and rolls her eyes.
Me: I think it’s coming…
Nomvuyo: Relax…
I shut my eyes and groan loudly as the
pain rushes through my back.
I feel it for about 10 seconds.
I let out a loud sigh once it’s done.
Nomvuyo: Let’s take a walk around the
yard.
Me: Okay.
She helps me stand and I wobble behind
her.
Me: I miss Derek, where is he?
Nomvuyo: Hai suka, forget about him and
love meee!
Me: Mxm.
We get outside and walk around the pool.
Me: How is Zimkitha?
Nomvuyo: She’s fine, why?
Me: She’s been MIA, and that unlike her.
Nomvuyo: She’s going through her own
shit, I guess.
I look at her.
Me: Are you telling me the whole truth?
She laughs lightly.
Nomvuyo: Yep.
Me: Hmkay.
We continue walking.
Me: I don’t want to walk anymore. I feel
like it’s getting worse.
We walk back inside the house and as I sit
on the couch, I feel like someone is
stabbing me with a blazing sword on my
back.
I let out a scream and Nomvuyo rushes to
me.
Me: Vuvu, no, what’s happening??
Nomvuyo: Baby-
Me: This is painful!
Just then, Derek walks in, all smiles.
Derek: Hey, you’re awa-
Heyi, another sharp pain hits me and I let
out a scream.
Derek rushes to me.
Derek: What the fuck??
Nomvuyo: Her contractions are
intensifying.
Derek: Why didn’t you call me??
Nomvuyo: Stop being dramatic, she’s fine.
Me: I’m not! I’m in pain!
Derek takes out his phone and dials Dr
Modisa’s number.
Nomvuyo: Dere-
Derek: Shut up.
Nomvuyo: I won’t respond to that.
She pushes Derek aside and then places
another warm towel on my belly. I sigh as
I feel my muscles relax a bit.
Derek: Doc, we’re about to leave the
house now… Yes.... I don’t care, we’re
coming…
He ends the call and then pushes
Nomvuyo lightly.
Me: Derek, stop the drama.
Nomvuyo: Yazi!
I want to laugh at him, but I don’t have the
energy.
He helps me stand, and my parents walk
in.
Mom: And then?
Derek: We’re going to the hospital.
Mom: Yoh, okay. Vuvu, go get our things,
baby.
Nomvuyo: Ma, Ziyanda is fine. Derek is
being dramatic.
Mom: Yini kanti?
Nomvuyo: Her contractions are still
inconsistent.
My mom looks at Derek.
Derek: I don’t care. We’re going to the
hospital.
My mom sighs and nods.
Mom: Alright then, I don’t want you to die
of stress. Derek rushes up the stairs and
we all look at each other.
My mom laughs.
Mom: He’s really stressed.
Nomvuyo: More like annoying.
Dad: Mina you’ll call me once the baby is
ready to come out. I hate hospitals.
Mom: Okay.
He walks to me and smiles.
Dad: Stay strong, okay?
Me: Okay.
He gives me a kiss and then disappears. I
check the time and it’s almost 5pm.
Derek comes back and looks at me.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Ya.
As I take a step, another pain hits me and
I moan. I stand there for about 30 seconds
and then look at Nomvuyo.
Me: This shit is not nice.
Nomvuyo: You’ll think twice before
having unprotected sex.
Me: Argh.
Derek: Nomvuyo, just get our things, and
stop talking shit.
Nomvuyo laughs as she walks away.
Derek and I walk to the car and he helps
me get in. My mom follows after.
Me: Are you driving?
Derek: Yes.
Me: Nomvuyo can drive.
He stares at me for a few seconds and
then nods.
Mom: How cute.
She gets in the front seat. Soon, Nomvuyo
walks out with our things and Derek
helps her put them in the boot.
Nomvuyo: Am I driving?
Mom: Yebo, Zizi wants to be close to
Derek.
Nomvuyo: Hmkay.
They get in, and she starts the car.
I hold Derek’s hand.
Derek Are the pains bad?
I nod.
Me: Very sharp.
I rest my head on his shoulder and try not
to vomit. The motion sickness is also
kicking in now…
***
0-100.
That’s what happened to me.
Things went from 0-100.
I have never, in my 25 years of living,
experienced this much pain.
It genuinely feels like my enemy is in my
body, playing tug of war with my organs,
trying to pull them out, but also trying to
pull them back in.
Derek has been by my side, but I can tell
that he wants to run and hide.
I’ve been screaming my lungs out.
I can feel the pains in my lower back,
abdomen and thighs.
Dr: The cervix has dilated to 6
centimeters. I’m not even listening to her,
I don’t care.
These pains come back after 3 minutes or
so.
Dr: I’d like you to take a shower. It will
help immensely.
I groan as another pain approaches.
My mom has been sobbing for the past
hour. I think she is traumatised as well.
Dr: Ziyanda.
I open my eyes and look at her.
Dr: Take a shower.
I nod and Derek helps me get up.
Nomvuyo: Derek, take a break, I’ll keep an
eye on her.
Derek ignores Nomvuyo and walks with
me to the bathroom. He gets in first and
then tells me to come in once the water
temperature is fine. I get in and he looks
at me.
Me: Derek, you can get out.
I know the germaphobe in him is freaking
out right now, having to shower here
without flip flops. At least Nomvuyo
brought my flip flops.
He is being extra stubborn, so I decide to
let him be.
We stand there for the longest time. The
shower is doing its job, because the pain
is no longer extreme.
Derek: If you ever doubt my love for you,
think of this moment.
I laugh.
Me: You, barefoot in a bathroom that isn’t
yours?
He nods tightly and I wrap my arms
around his neck.
Me: I love you.
Derek: I hate seeing you like this.
Me: I’ll be fine.
He makes me turn around so that my back
is on him. He wraps his arms around me
and plants a kiss on my neck.
Derek: I don’t like whatever this phase is.
Me: Me too. I hate being in pain.
Derek Maybe you shou-
Me: No, Derek. I don’t want that epidural
what what.
Derek: Ziyanda, you heard Dr Modisa, you
still have more hours to get through.
Me: I’m not going to take any medication.
What if something happens to my baby?
He sighs and shakes his head.
Me: If all these other women can do it,
then nothing will stop me. I will be fine.
Derek: I hate seeing you like this.
Me: You know what Vuvu said?
I turn and look at him.
Me: She said now we’ll think before we
have unprotected sex.
He chuckles.
Me: Between you and me… you need to
calm down a bit. I’m surprised Vuvu
hasn’t smacked your ass.
He rolls his eyes.
I plant a kiss on his lips.
Me: This shower is really helping.
Derek: I can see…
Me: It’s a pity we can’t do more than just
hold each other like polar bears.
He laughs.
Derek: I’m going to leave now, before you
tempt me. He takes me hand and helps me
step out.
Once we’re dry, he applies lotion on both
our bodies and he gets dressed, while I
put on my gown.
Before we walk out, he wraps his arms
around me again.
Me: What’s wrong?
I’ve never seen him this needy.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
We share a kiss and then walk out.
We find Dean, Liwa and Zimkitha in my
room.
I’m actually shocked to see Zimkitha
because she has been MIA.
Dean: Aww, look at my fattie…
Zimkitha: Langelihle!
Dean laughs as he attempts to hug me and
I push him away.
Me: Your cologne is revolting. Get away
from me.
Dean: Hai suka.
He hugs me anyway.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Hey, Liwa.
Liwa: I’d hug you, but…
Me: Understood.
I look at Zimkitha.
Is it weird that I don’t feel like seeing her?
Somehow, I’m not happy about her
presence.
Zimkitha: Hey, sweety.
Me: Hey, Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: Unjani, love?
Me: I’m okay, I guess…
Liwa: Haibo, why are you being so cold
now?
Me: I’d like a moment with Derek, please.
They all look at me in shock.
Even Derek is a bit shocked.
Dean: I’m not going anywhere. Uyahlanya
wena. We’ve been up for 2 days now,
because of you. Angeke sizwe ngawe.
Zimkitha stands and smiles.
Zimkitha: I have to make a few calls.
She walks out.
Liwa looks at me intently before following
his mother and closing the door.
I look at Derek.
Me: I don’t want to be overwhelmed by
too many people.
Dean sighs.
Dean: Why do you think no one is here?
We all know how you are about your
privacy.
I keep quiet.
Dean: Zimkitha just wanted to say hello.
You didn’t have to do her like that.
I roll my eyes.
Me: How about you also follow her and
disa-fucking-ppear?
Dean: Ye wena Ziyanda.
Asingaphaphelani.
Derek helps me sit.
Me: What happened to Ntsiki? Did you
end up finding her?
I look at Dean intently and he looks at me
blankly.
Dean: Ya.
Me: And?
Dean: And, what?
Me: What happened?
He glances at Derek, who is looking at him
seriously.
Dean: Uhm, she’s going to stay away for
good.
Me: And, you believe her?
He nods casually.
Dean: Can we stop talking about that
woman? She won’t bother us anymore.
I shrug and look at Derek.
Me: I need water.
Derek: Yes, ma’am.
Dean: You must be enjoying bossing
everyone around.
Me: Mxm.
I sit comfortably and sigh heavily as the
pain builds up again…
***
Dr: Ziyanda, I need you to breathe.
Me: No! I can’t!
I am kneeling on the bed, crying my lungs
out.
Dr: Ziyanda…
I cry hysterically as the pain shoots up
again. It feels like a hot pot has been
placed on my back. I can’t function.
I hear them calling my name, but I can’t
hear what they’re saying.
The contractions are not that spaced out
now. It seems like I have less than a
minute before the next one comes back.
I scream loudly. I think someone is trying
to slice my back into pieces.
I feel like I want to poop, but I can’t.
There it is again… I shut my eyes even
more and my body literally shakes as the
sharp pain rushes through me.
Me: I can’t! I can’t! Please make it stop!
I shake even more as the after effects of
the rush kick in.
As soon as I recover, another one hits me
and I let out a loud and long groan.
Derek: Please get the epidural.
Mom: No, she will pull through.
I try to speak, but it hits once again and I
scream.
I’m burning. My whole body is on fire,
especially my back.
Me: Make it stop! Please!
I take a deep breath and try to change
position, but struggle. I want to stand.
Derek helps me stand and then I place my
arms on the bed and bury my face on the
bed.
It comes at me like lightning.
Me: Nooo!
I start crying hysterically again.
Derek: What can we do??
Dr: She has to go through this…
I can tell he is pained as well.
Me: My back! I try to touch it, but I can’t.
Me: My back!
I grit my teeth as the pain crushes me
again.
Suddenly, I feel someone’s hands on my
back.
Nomvuyo: I’m going to put some pressure
here, okay?
I nod frantically.
She starts massaging me.
Nomvuyo: You are allowing these pains to
contro-
Me: Fuck off!
I push her away.
Me: Derek!
I continue crying as Derek takes over the
massaging.
Nomvuyo: Derek, you’re the only one who
can get through to her.
My whole body is shaking at this point, I
can’t stand anymore.
Derek helps me get back on the bed. I lie
there, feeling so defeated.
I just want to die right now. I don’t want
this. I hate this. I wouldn’t wish it on my
worst enemy.
Derek: Baby.
I can’t even hear him properly.
I feel his lips on my ear.
Derek: Baby, you have to take control.
Me: I can’t.
Derek: You can, and you will.
I sob quietly, because all my energy is
gone, and I can’t scream anymore. I don’t
have it in me.
Derek: Listen to me…
He plants a kiss on my cheek and I
continue sobbing.
Derek: I need you to take a deep breath.
Focus on your breathing.
I shake my head.
Me: It’s too much. Derek, it’s too much!
He sighs and steps back.
Nomvuyo: No, don’t…
Derek: I can’t-
Nomvuyo: You need to be strong for her…
Derek: I can’t…
I shut them out and drown in my pain. I
drown and hope to die.
Seconds later, I feel Derek’s lips on my ear
again.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Is this Dean?
Am I hearing things?
Dean: Stop being a pussy and toughen the
fuck up.
Nomvuyo: Dean!
What??
Really??
Am I hearing things??
Dean: Get the fuck up and deal with this
shit.
I let out a scream and feel my whole body
tremble even more.
Dean: Shit, what’s happening?
Dr: These pain are serious.
I feel his lips on my ear again.
Dean: Dlamz… I know you can do this…
Come on... please?
I continue sobbing.
Dean: Come on…
He pulls me up and makes me lie on my
back.
Dean: Derek, come wipe her face…
Nomvuyo, massage her feet or
something…
Derek wipes my face and I finally open my
eyes.
Nomvuyo is massaging my feet. My mom
is sitting in the corner, clearly
traumatised. Dr Modisa is looking at me
sympathetically.
Dean: We are going to breathe, okay?
I look at him.
Dean: You have to stop crying.
Derek wipes my face gently and I look up
at him. He looks like he has just seen a
ghost.
Dean puts the straw in my mouth and I
drink some water.
Dean: There you go…
He smiles warmly.
Nomvuyo: Baby, you have to focus on
your breathing. I promise you the pains
will be tolerable.
I nod and she smiles.
Nomvuyo: Finally.
She stops massaging my feet and then
walks to the left side of my bed, where
Dean is. She pushes him away and then
takes my hand.
Nomvuyo: Derek, hold her hand.
Derek does as he is told.
Nomvuyo: Alright, let’s take a very deep
breath in.
I do as I am told, but as soon as the pain
hits, I squirm.
Nomvuyo: Calm down and allow yourself
to feel all of it. Understand the pain, don’t
try to push it away.
I try by all means to do what she says.
Nomvuyo: Good…
I don’t know when my mom got next to
Derek…
Nomvuyo: Well done…
Me: Happy Birthday, Star...
He plants a kiss on my lips.
We continue doing breathing exercises,
till I feel a bit stable. The uncontrollable
shaking has stopped.
Dr: It’s time to monitor the heartbeat
now…
*** At this point, Nomvuyo’s techniques
can’t even help me.
I have gone crazy.
I genuinely want to poop. Dr Modisa
keeps telling me it’s because my body is
working hard to reach complete dilation
and effacement. I just want to push, now!
My vagina is also pulsing, and Dr says it’s
because the baby’s head is moving
towards my vaginal opening.
I wanted to give up and get the epidural,
but my mom insisted that I don’t need it,
yet she’s the most traumatised out of
everyone.
I have been told not to push, no matter
how “pushy” I feel.
I’m finished.
There’s nothing left in me. These pains
have chewed me up and swallowed me.
Dr: Let me check…
I don’t even have the energy to react to
her finger invading my space.
Dr: Hmm… You are fully dilated!
I look at her, lifeless as fuck.
Dr: We are going to start pushing now.
Nomvuyo: Yay!
I look at Nomvuyo, who’s recording all of
this.
I don’t even have the energy to blink.
I close my eyes.
I want to die. Surely death is better than
this shit.
Dr: Ziyanda.
I think I’m dying.
I am lifeless.
Derek: Ziyanda!
I can’t bring myself to move or open my
eyes.
I feel someone placing the oxygen mask
on my face.
Derek: Baby, breathe, please... Please
breathe...
The desperation in his voice hits me hard.
I open my eyes and look at him. He’s a bit
blurry… everything is blurry.
Is he crying?
I want to reach out to him, but I can’t.
Dean: Ziyanda, breathe…
I look at Dean… or is it Derek?
I close my eyes again… Blinking is taking
up too much of my energy.
Derek: Baby, breathe… I don’t want to
lose you, please…
I gather up the strength to take a breath.
I touch my belly.
I don’t know what happens, but
something clicks.
I open my eyes and look at everyone.
They look worried.
I take more breaths. I can literally feel the
oxygen circulating in my body, igniting
something in me.
Dr: And, Ziyanda Dlamini has arrived! Are
you ready?
I moan.
I want them to remove this mask, it’s
suffocating me.
Derek removes it and I exhale deeply.
Dr: Are you ready?
I nod.
Dr: Perfect.
My mom is holding my left hand, and
Derek is holding my right hand. Nomvuyo
is recording and Dean is standing behind
Derek.
Me: Where’s my dad??
Mom: He’s been vomiting. There is no
way he is going to survive this.
Dr: Are you happy with everyone who’s
here?
I look at everyone and nod.
Dr: I normally don’t allow this, but I’ll
make an exception for you.
The nurse keeps telling me about what is
about to happen, but I shut her out. I want
them to tell me how to push.
Dr: Okay… We’re ready…
She nods, and the nurse tells me to start
pushing.
I push.
Dr: Okay, stop.
I stop.
Dr: You’re pushing the wrong way… Do
not restrict yourself. Push the same way
you would if you were pooping.
She chuckles.
Dr: Don’t be afraid. I’ve seen it all, okay?
Me: Okay.
They give me some oxygen before telling
me to push once again.
Dr: Push harder…
They count me down and then I stop.
Dr: This push will allow the head to come
out. We will push longer and harder,
okay?
Me: Okay.
I take a very deep breath.
Dr: Alright, push…
I push as hard as I can…
I continue pushing and pushing…
I feel my vagina opening up.
Dr: Yes! The head is coming out… Push
harder… harder… harder…
I can’t describe the intensity of this
moment.
Dr: Push… push… aaand the head is out!
I sigh heavily and Derek kisses my
forehead.
Dr: The difficult part is over… Let’s do
this… Push slower now, okay?
Me: Okay.
Dr: Go.
I do as I’m told…
The rest of the body literally comes out
smoothly.
Before I know it, there are loud cries.
I begin crying like I’ve never cried before.
I don’t know how I feel- it’s a wave of
emotions.
My baby is out and alive!
Dr: Whooa!
I immediately stop crying and put up my
head.
Dr: Oh my goodness!
Derek: What??
Nurse: Wow!
Me: What’s wrong??
Dr: It turns out little Nkanyezi is a girl!
Me: WHAT?!
Dr: Congratulations!
Before I can even process anything, the
baby is on my chest, and I am crying as
loud as him/her.
Dr: Now, it’s time to push out the
placenta…
I continue crying.

INSERT 176
I have a child.
The child is here. The child is a girl…
The child has been crying nonstop and I
am annoyed as hell.
Derek: Baby, you need to feed her.
I snap out of it and look at him. He smiles
sweetly.
I take her from him, and as soon as she
comes in contact with my nipple, she
stops crying and sucks on.
Derek: She’s obsessed with your breasts.
I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Derek: Baby, we’ve had her for two weeks
now. When are you going to accept her?
Me: She’s always crying! How am I
supposed to see how cute she is when she
is constantly crying her lungs out?
He laughs and I feel his lips on my ear.
Derek: I love you.
I grunt as he sits next to me and watches
as I feed his child.
Me: I also can’t get used to the fact that
she’s a girl. I wanted a boy.
Derek: Too bad…
He gives me a mischievous smile. He has
always wanted a girl.
I sigh as I look at little Nkanyezi. She is
slowly falling asleep, but because she’s so
stubborn, she’s forcing herself to stay
awake. I chuckle as I continue watching
this battle. Eventually, she loses and falls
asleep.
Me: She’s asleep.
Derek stands and carefully takes her from
me.
He walks away and I sink on the couch.
Will I ever get used to this? I feel strange.
It's been two weeks, yet I’m not in
mommy mode.
Derek eventually comes back and sits
next to me. He pulls me closer and plants
a kiss on my cheeks.
Me: I’m tired.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this.
He is a completely different person. He is
smiling 24/7. He is truly happy.
Me on the other hand? I don’t know. I feel
like I’m just surviving at this point.
Derek: We need to see Melinda soon.
Me: Very soon.
Our biggest concern was me getting
Postpartum Depression. Right now, as
overwhelmed as I am, I know it's not
extreme. I’m okay. However, I’m making it
a point to consistently see Melinda. I want
to be the best version of myself for this
baby…
I can’t even say she’s my baby. I honestly
haven’t come to terms with it. However,
I’m not outchea trying to kill myself…
Derek: Zi.
I snap out of it and look at him.
Derek: Would you like some ice-cream?
Me: I’m going through the most.
Derek: I can see.
He kisses me again and I sigh.
Derek: Let's go outside.
We both stand and as I walk outside, he
walks to the kitchen. I sit by the garden
and browse through my phone.
Just then, someone pats my shoulder.
Dean: Ya wena.
Me: Argh, go away.
He sits opposite me and chuckles.
Dean: Kuyanyiwa kwa parenthood. You
thought it’s a party?
Me: I don’t need your negativity right
now. Derek walls out and hands me a
bowl of ice-cream.
Me: Thank you.
Dean: Is my niece sleeping?
Derek: Ya.
Dean: She’s stubborn that one, just like
her mother.
Me: Dean, don’t you have a wife and kids?
What are you doing here?
Dean: I came to have your mother’s food.
Me: Mxm.
He comes here everyday, just to annoy the
hell out of me.
***
Little Star is turning one month.
When I wake up, Derek has already
decorated the house.
Me: You do realise that she’s one month
old?
He smiles brightly
Derek: Exactly!
He steps closer to me and wraps his arms
around my waist.
Derek: We’ve been through a lot. I feel
blessed. I never thought we’d be here,
celebrating our baby's health.
He gives me a kiss.
Me: I just feel bad for not being as excited
as you.
Derek: Like Melinda said, take it one day
at a time. Putting pressure on yourself
will make things worse. As long as you’re
not negative, then we're on the right
track.
Me: You don’t hate me?
Derek: Dramatic much?
He chuckles and I smile.
Derek: You’ll get there... Patience has
always been a huge factor in our
relationship.
I place my arms around his neck and kiss
him.
Me: I love you.
Derek: I love you too. Now, let’s check on
Star.
Me: Okay.
He lets go of me and we make our way to
Star.
She’s already up.
Me: She’s awake.
Derek: Yep.
Me: She’s not crying.
He chuckles as he reaches down for her.
Derek: She’s a big girl now.
He gives her kisses and she smiles.
Derek: Happy Birthday, angel.
He glances at me.
I reach for her, and expect the usual
crying, but I see a smile on her face.
Me: I don’t think I’ve ever met such a
dramatic baby. Even Dean's child is
better.
Derek: I wonder ufuze bani.
I look at him sharply and he laughs.
Uhm, Star hasn’t been this happy with me.
She’s always crying, unless she’s sucking
on my titty.
I’m shocked and confused to say the least.
Me: Happy Birthday, Star.
Derek: Does this mean you won’t call me
Star anymore?
I chuckle.
Me: Ya, she’s the Star now.
He sulks and I focus on little Star.
She is staring at me. I stare back at her,
and catch myself smiling.
Is it weird that this is the first time I
actually feel connected to my daughter?
I’m always frustrated when I hold her.
The crying is too much! I always feel like
I’m doing something wrong.
Derek: What’s happening?
I look at him and he has a smile on his
face.
Me: I think I’ve just connected with my
baby.
Derek: You referred to her as your baby…
Whoa!
I roll my eyes.
Me: I’m hungry.
Derek: Breakfast will be ready soon.
I nod as I focus on Nkanyi again.
My baby is finally cute. She doesn’t look
like a strange mushroom anymore. She
finally looks adorable. My adorable
chubby baby.
Derek walks out and I continue staring at
little Nkanyi. I am quite overwhelmed… I
don’t know. I think it's all sinking in. I’m
an actual mother. I have a daughter.
I plant a kiss on her cheek and she giggles.
I continue planting kisses until she starts
wiggling.
I eventually go downstairs and find Derek
setting the table. There are balloons all
over the place.
Me: You stay doing the most.
Derek: She will remember these
moments, don’t say I didn’t tell you.
I chuckle as I sit down and he finishes up.
I feed Star, before I start eating.
Derek: So, when are you going to start
being comfortable with having sex with
me?
Me: Ngidi!
Derek: We haven’t had sex in months. Dr
Modisa said you’re good to go. It's been
months, Ziyanda!
Me: I’d appreciate it if you'd stop saying
such in front of your child.
Derek: Ohho, it’s not like she’s going to
remember this shit.
Me: Oh, but she’ll remember the birthday
decorations?
He laughs.
Star finishes up, and I start eating…
***
Nomvuyo and Liwa arrive first. They
came with Nyami and Nkosinhle.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
We share a hug.
Me: Hey, guys.
Liwa: I see motherhood is treating you
well.
I blush.
Nomvuyo: Hello, baby.
We share a hug.
Nomvuyo: How is my baby, Liyakha?
I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: Hai phela, just because you’re
obsessed with the name Nkanyezi, it
doesn’t mean we're all going crazy over it.
Me: Mxm. Nkanyezi's second name is
Liyakha. My dad named her that. I only
acknowledge Nkanyezi though.
She hugs Derek.
Nomvuyo: Is Liya sleeping?
Derek: She dozed off minutes ago.
Nomvuyo: You shouldn’t let her sleep
whenever she wants. You must train her.
Derek: My child is not a dog.
Liwa: You are both such dramatic parents.
I take Nkosi from Nomvuyo and start
kissing him.
Me: Hello, Nkosi…
He looks at me. He is such a grumpy baby,
not the cute grumpiness- the “get the fuck
out my face” grumpiness. But, I still love
him. I think it's because deep down, I wish
I had a boy. I really wanted a boy.
Derek: Zi, your mom says you must call
her back.
Me: Okay.
I go to Ngidi's office with Nkosi and call
my mom. It rings for a while, and she
answers.
Mom: Baby.
Me: Ma, is everything alright?
Mom: I was busy cleaning up, when some
woman who’s around your age came
here…
Me: Ubani?
Mom: She didn’t tell me her name. She
said you went to varsity together and she
was just passing by. She wanted to check
if you still live here, she said she’ll come
back again.
Me: Uhm, okay…
Mom: Anyway, are you sure you’ll be fine
without me for the weekend?
Me: We’ll be fine.
Mom: Okay sisi.
Me: Uhm, but do you think you can come
ksasa to fetch Liya?
Mom: Why?
Me: Derek has been complaining about us
not uhm…bonding…
She laughs boldly.
Mom: You don’t have to be ashamed. I
think that’s a good idea.
I sigh.
Mom: I’ll come in the morning. Your
father has been complaining about not
seeing her enough, so this is perfect.
Me: Okay.
Mom: Is she going to sleepover la?
Me: We'll see. I doubt Derek will allow
that though.
Mom: Okay, baby. Shap ke.
Me: Shap.
I give Nkosi a kiss and he continues
pouting grumpily.
I walk back to the lounge.
Dean and Nolwazi are here.
Nolwazi: Hey, mommy.
I smile.
Me: How are you?
Nolwazi: I’m so excited! Baby Nkanyezi is
growing up!
I chuckle.
I look at Dean and he glances at me
weirdly.
Me: What?
Dean: Nothing.
I look at him suspiciously and he walks
away casually. I continue chatting with
Nolwazi.
Nomvuyo: Can someone get the birthday
girl?
I actually miss her.
Dean walks up the stairs.
Me: Are we really throwing a party for a
month-old baby?
Nomvuyo: This group loves celebrating
milestones.
I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: You roll your eyes a lot lately.
Just then, Dean comes back with Star.
Nomvuyo: Liyakha!
Nomvuyo immediately tries taking her
from Dean, but he refuses.
Dean: Awume wena.
He plants a kiss on Star's cheek and she
giggles. She also likes getting attention
from these men, just like Simo.
Nkosi immediately starts crying, and
looks at his mother.
Haike. He’s not going anywhere. He will
learn to love people and stop being
obsessed with his mother.
Just then, Star starts crying as well and
Nyami runs to Dean.
Nyami: Uncle D, can I hold her?
Dean: How about you comfort your
brother first?
Everyone looks at him in shock.
Nolwazi: Langa!
Dean looks at a now teary Nyami and
chuckles.
Dean: Just kidding, Nyamz. There you go…
Nyami smiles as she takes Star. Star
continues crying.
As much as I try to ignore her, I fail. I give
Nomvuyo her son and then reach for Star.
I take her from Nyami and walk away
from everyone.
I don’t know. Something has changed
between Nkanyi and I. I feel more
connected to her.
I love her.
Me: Nkanyi, I don’t blame you for crying.
Those people are quite overwhelming…
and annoying…
She looks at me with her teary eyes and
pouts. She stops crying.
Me: The only way I survive when I’m
around them is by zoning them out.
She looks at me as if she understands
what I’m saying.
I chuckle and give her a kiss.
Me: Your dad is the one who introduced
me to them. They’re too much neh?
Derek: Why are you feeding my child such
negativity?
I quickly turn and look at him guiltily. He
smiles and walks to us.
Derek: You calmed her down.
I nod.
Derek: This makes me happy.
He plants a kiss on my lips and I groan.
I feel like I literally just woke up from a
dream, and I’ve realised that I have a
child, a fiancé, and I’m actually horny as
fuck.
Derek: You okay?
Me: Ya.
I nod tightly and focus on Star.
I have to go big tomorrow. Dean will have
to help me organise everything.
Derek: Ready to go back there? The rest of
the crew is here.
Me: Okay. Just give me a minute.
He nods and walks away.
I sigh and look at Star.
Me: I love you, but you have to go to your
grandparents tomorrow. I’ll be nice and
fresh when you come back.
I plant a kiss on her lips and walk back to
the lounge.

INSERT 177 (Unedited)

It has been a love-filled afternoon.
Niki also joined us and I’m glad we're all
over the Kwanele situation. She just won’t
be able to bring him over, because that’s a
bit inappropriate.
We’re all outside, and they’re all having
drinks.
I haven’t been craving alcohol. I thought
as soon as Nkanyezi popped out, I would
be deep within the bottle, but I haven’t
even touched it.
I pull Dean aside and stare at him.
Me: Something’s wrong. You’re not fine.
He looks at me blankly.
Me: We can stand here forever.
Dean: Nothing's wrong. I’m just tired from
work.
I look at him suspiciously.
Me: I’m watching you.
Dean: Mxm.
He looks at me softly.
Dean: Are you getting used to Liya?
I sigh heavily.
Me: I’m trying.
He nods lightly.
Me: Today is different though.
Dean: I can tell…
He smiles.
Dean: She’s cute. I never thought we’d see
the day. I love her chubby cheeks.
Me: Are you trying to say my baby was
ugly?
Dean: All babies are ugly when they’re
born.
I hiss and he chuckles.
Dean: I'm glad you’re opening up. I was
getting worried.
Me: Are you sure you’re fine?
He nods.
Dean: If you ask me that question one
more time…
I shiver dramatically.
Me: Ohhh I’m so scared!
He laughs and we walk back to where
everyone is.
Malusi is holding my child. Why?
Before I can walk to him, Derek is already
holding my hand, stopping me.
Me: Argh.
Derek: He won’t do anything to her. Relax.
Me: I don’t want my child to get a taste of
infidelity. He looks at me in shock and I
shrug.
Derek: Kodwa Ziyanda…
Dean: She’s a bitch this one.
I look at Derek seriously.
Me: Surely you won’t allow this imbecile
to call me a bitch?
Derek looks at Dean and stifles a laugh.
Me: Ridiculous.
Nandi walks to us and smiles.
Nandi: My daughter is obsessed with your
daughter.
I smile.
Me: Where is Lele?
Nandi: She’s somewhere in the house
with Nyami.
Lele is such a breath of fresh air, just like
Nyami. I hope my daughter also turns out
like them. However, I don’t want my child
to be too friendly. She can’t be engaging
with every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Nandi: Will you ever go back to work?
Derek: She wants to stay home for
another year.
Dean looks at me in disbelief.
Dean: Wena?
Me: Ya.
Dean: I’m in shock.
Derek: We don’t need your negativity.
Shut up.
Nandi: I thought you’re a career woman.
Me: I am. I just want to raise her properly
with no added stress.
Nandi: Well… As you know, I was a
homemaker for years. I’m totally for it!
Me: Don’t you get bored?
Nandi: How? You have a little human
keeping you busy.
She smiles.
Dean: Even Nolwazi stopped working
after the birth of the twins.
I nod.
I think I’m happy with my decision. We'll
see how it goes.
I ask Dean if I can talk to him in private.
Nandi: You two are very close. Are you
sure you’re not birthed by the same
mother?
Dean: Do you not see how attractive I am?
At this point, I don’t even have the energy
to deal with him. He’s always taking shots
at me.
We walk away from everyone.
Dean: What’s up? Me: I need you to take
Nkanyezi to Soweto ksasa.
Dean: Why?
Me: My dad misses her.
Dean: You trying to fuck?
Me: Yes. I most definitely would like some
time to fuck Derek.
He pulls a face.
Me: I think it will be less admin if you take
her instead of my mom coming here.
Dean: Why don’t you bring her to my
house?
Me: My dad wants to spend time with her
as well.
He nods
Dean: Anything for your mom…
Me: You’ve become such a weak man,
filled with too much love.
Dean: Ungazonginyela.
Me: I’m thinking of making tomorrow
special. Derek has been doing the most for
me… I want him to feel special.
Dean: You want to plan something big?
Me: Nothing hectic. Just something to
thank him for being patient.
He nods slowly.
Dean: I’m sure you’ll think of something.
You always do.
We walk back to everyone. Nkanyezi is
now with Gabi. I reach for her.
Gabi: I haven’t even held her for a minute.
I ignore her and take my baby. Once she’s
in my arms, she wiggles a bit and opens
her eyes. I give her kisses and she smiles.
Derek: I think she’s had enough attention.
We should take her in.
Me: I agree.
Out of nowhere, Zimkitha emerges and
everyone exclaims.
I haven’t seen her since I gave birth.
Zimkitha: Hello everyone!
They all share hugs and I walk back inside
the house.
I hear her saying my name.
Me: I’ll be back. I’m going to put her to
sleep.
I walk to the lounge and bump into
Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Is she falling asleep?
Me: Yep.
Nomvuyo: Bring her here.
I give her Nkanyezi.
Nomvuyo: She’s so cute.
She touches her lips and Nkanyezi pouts
even more.
Nomvuyo: Are you okay?
Me: Ya, I’m fine.
She looks at me closely.
Me: When are you guys leaving kanti?
Nomvuyo: Hai suka wena.
I walk back outside and Zimkitha smiles
at me.
Zimkitha: Hi, Zi. Me: Hello.
She hesitates, but ends up giving me a
hug.
Zimkitha: How have you been? It’s been a
while.
Me: I’m good.
Zimkitha: Motherhood treating you right?
I nod and she smiles.
Zimkitha: I came to see Nkanyezi.
Me: She’s sleeping.
She nods and smiles.
Zimkitha: I’m happy for you. After all that
you’ve been through…
Me: Thanks.
She tries to say something, but stops
herself.
Derek stands next to me.
Zimkitha: Alright then. I guess I’ll come
back another time.
Derek: You’ve been scarce. Why haven’t
you visited vele?
Zimkitha: I’ve been busy, baby.
Derek: You want to see my daughter?
Zimkitha nods excitedly. She can’t even
contain herself.
Derek: Woza…
He takes her hand and leads her inside
the house.
*** The following morning, I wake up
early to make sure that baby Nkanyezi
has everything she needs. I pack her bag
and bathe her. She’s in a very good mood
today, hopefully she’ll behave for the rest
of the day.
Derek decided to work as soon as
everyone left last night. He worked till the
early hours of the morning. Right now, he
is fast asleep.
I get a message from Dean telling me he
has arrived. I go downstairs to open up
for him. He's here with Nolwazi as
planned.
Me: Morning, guys.
I give them hugs and we make our way to
the kitchen.
Nolwazi: Here’s the food you asked me to
prepare.
I sigh ashamedly then Dean laughs.
Dean: So every time you want to do
something for Derek, you’re going to ask
us to prepare the food?
Me: Last time I checked, you rudely
informed me that I am the worst cook
you’ve ever come across.
Dean: Facts only.
I roll my eyes and look at Nolwazi.
Me: Thank you for coming through.
She smiles warmly.
Nokwazi: After the proposal you planned
for me, you deserve everything you want.
Dean: So, mina I was just a prop? I am the
one who went down on one knee. Why
don’t I deserve everything I want?
Nolwazi giggles.
Nolwazi: Langa, you have me. I’m the
greatest shit you’ve ever come across.
Back off and be humble.
Dean grunts.
I think out of all the couples, these two
are my fav. First it was Nomvuyo and
Liwa, but after the gangster vibes I got
from them and their mother, I don’t see
them as goals. Dean and Nolwazi are cute.
Me: Let me get Nkanyezi.
Dean: Did you tell big Nkanyezi that small
Nkanyezi won’t be around today? I shake
my head.
Nolwazi: He will freak out.
Me: He'll get over it. Nami I’m the greatest
shit he has ever come across, so he must
sit down and be humble that I planned all
tthis shit for him.
Dean chuckles.
Dean: Go get her, so we can leave.
I walk upstairs. Thank God Derek is still
sleeping. I get Star and her bag, then walk
back to the kitchen. Dean takes her and
looks at Nolwazi.
Dean: You'll drive.
Nolwazi: Hmkay.
Me: Thank you so much.
Nolwazi; Okay, Zi. Have a fantastic day.
Me: Thanks.
I give Star a few kisses and try to ignore
the separation anxiety that’s approaching.
I watch as they walk out. I begin
“preparing" breakfast. Just as I finish up,
Derek pitches out of nowhere, panicking.
Derek: Where the fuck is Nkanyezi?!
He genuinely looks confused and scared.
I don’t say anything.
Dean: Ziyanda!
I look at him calmly.
Me: Dean and Nolwazi are taking her to
my parents as we speak.
Derek: What?? Why??
Me: She’s safe.
Derek: What the fuck is wrong with you??
How do you take my daughter
somewhere else without letting me
know?? I thoug-
Me: Yoh, bhuti. Awume. Take a deep
breath and calm down.
He looks at me in disbelief. I think he’s
convinced that I’m crazy.
Me: You’ve just ruined my surprise.
He looks around and sees the set up.
I watch as he processes everything.
Me: I didn’t cook anything, so you can
stop trying to come up with an excuse not
to eat this food.
He stares at me for a while and eventually
softens up.
Me: Go brush your teeth.
He nods slowly as he rushes off…

INSERT 178 (Short and Unedited)

Derek looks at me all love-struck. I’m sure
I could tell him to run around the
neighbourhood naked, and he would do
that without hesitation.
Me: Enjoying the food?
He smiles shyly.
Me: You don’t have to pretend. Nolwazi is
a great cook...unlike some of us…
Derek: I don’t think you’re a bad cook.
Me: Don’t patronise me.
Derek: I’m serious, baby.
Me: Whatever.
I finish up my omelette and look at him.
He’s staring at me.
Me: What?
Derek: Nothing. I’m just admiring my
view.
Me: Corny man…
He leans closer to me and plants a kiss on
my lips.
Derek: You’re beautiful.
Me: Staap! You’re making me blush!
He kisses me again, and I pull away. I
don’t want him to do things to me right
now, he must wait.
Me: Finish up your food.
Derek: Okay.
He pulls me in for a very deep kiss and I
pull away again.
Me: Star!
He sighs and looks at me innocently.
Derek: But you said I must finish up my
food… I laugh and push him lightly.
Me: Stop it!
He laughs as he focuses on his plate.
We continue chatting about random stuff.
It seems like my plan of delaying sex
won’t work. With every passing second,
I’m going crazy. It seems like my body has
finally realised how much I’ve deprived it.
Phela Derek and I haven’t had sex in
months. I refused to have sex with him for
the last few months of my pregnancy.
Once he’s done eating, I suggest we wash
the dishes.
We go to the kitchen and he helps me
clean up.
Me: My mom wanted to know if Star will
sleepover.
Derek: No.
I laugh and nod.
Me: Thought as much.
Derek: She can spend the day with them,
not sleepover.
With that said, he pulls me and wraps his
arms around me. He blows me away with
a kiss and I find myself holding onto him
as I lose balance.
I moan, trying to ask him to stop, but he’s
not hearing me. I give up and end up
finding myself on the counter.
Heyi, the thirst is real.
I am shook.
I didn’t even care about how
uncomfortable it was being on that
counter, because Derek's tongue had
taken over and led me to the Pacific
Ocean.
***
After showering, I sit on the bed and look
at Derek in defeat.
Me: To think I was planning on teasing
you and delaying the sex…
Derek: Uh-uh. I wasn’t going to allow that.
I was hungry… I still am…
He looks at me playfully and I shake my
head assertively.
Me: Uh-uh Derek. I need a moment to
recover. I’m still suffering from the
cramps from the shower.
He laughs.
Me: Let me breathe…
He continues laughing and I watch him
happily.
I’m having one of those many moment
when I’m realising how blessed I am. I
think I’m at my happiest right now. I have
so much love around me!
Derek: Stop staring at me like that.
I snap out of it and find him looking at me
amusingly.
Me: I just love you a lot.
Derek: Really?
I nod as he walks to me.
Derek: How much do you love me?
Me: Words will never be enough.
He laughs lightly.
Derek: Then, you must show me…
I chuckle in defeat as he exposes his
erection.
Gosh, I think I may have underestimated
his sex drive, because it’s too much…
***
We’re now outside by the garden, and
we’re in our gowns. He insisted we don’t
wear normal clothes, since we’ve been
having spontaneous rounds. He
appreciates the easy access that the
gowns provide.
Me: So… I thought we’d do some bonding
activities, just to bring us even closer.
He smiles sweetly.
Derek: Ziyanda of the Great Dlamini never
disappoints…
I roll my eyes as I give him a journal and
pen.
Me: As an introduction, we are going to
write out the story of our relationship…
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: I won’t explain any further. You’re a
smart man, you should get it.
Derek: You overestimate my intelligence.
Me: The catch is that we should do this in
15 minutes.
He nods thoughtfully.
Derek: Okay.
Me: Ready?
He nods.
I open my journal and look at him.
Me: Go…
Derek: Love you.
I smile.
Me: Love you too.
With that said, we both focus on our
journals.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this…
I take a deep breath, and allow myself to
get lost in my thoughts.
After 15 minutes, my phone beeps and we
both finish off. I put down my pen and
look at him.
Me: Done?
He smiles and nods.
Me: You wanna go first?
Derek: Ladies first.
Me: Ahh yoh.
We both laugh.
Derek: You know how my crew settles
such situations.
Me: Rock Paper Scissors?
He nods gleefully and I roll my eyes.
Me: Okay then…
We put out our hands.
He has scissors and I have paper.
I groan in defeat and he smiles
victoriously.
Derek: Go ahead, loser.
He knows how competitive I am and how
obsessed I am with winning.
I look at him angrily and he laughs.
Me: I’ll dump you and leave you crying
here by yourself.
He stops and looks at me in disbelief.
Derek: Baby, you can’t make such threats.
I chuckle as I look at my paper.
I take a deep, look at him and he smiles.
Me: Ready?
He nods.
I sigh as I look at what I wrote.
Me: Who would have thought? Who
would have thought that an annoying,
creepy random man would turn a girl’s
world upside down? It's true what they
say about love- it has the power to restore
hope. I was literally done with men. I was
convinced that I'd end up all alone, with a
few random men here and there net for
control. I look at him and he is clearly not
happy about that last part.
I continue reading.
Me: I met you at a time when I had just
finished picking up the pieces of my
broken heart, and was attempting to heal.
I was comfortable with where I was
emotionally, despite the hurt I had
endured in my previous relationship. I
was comfortable with being by myself,
and I was in no rush to meet someone
new. I wanted to heal by myself, and not
depend on someone else to help me.
That’s why I wasn’t even moved when I
met you. You weren’t a factor. Your
persistence annoyed the hell out of me.
You disturbed my peace. Little did I know
that you’d end up being my source of
peace.
I smile at him.
Me: I’m not going to say much, because
I’m already planning my vows. All I will
say is that our journey is one for the
books. For now, all I have to say to you is
that because of you, I now know the love
that I deserve. Because of your unfiltered
love, I have explored parts of myself that I
had no idea existed. I have become a
better person, because of your love. I love
openly, all because of you. I wouldn’t
change a thing about our love story. Yes,
we’ve had some extremely low moments,
but they’ve brought us closer.
I look at him and he’s smiling like an idiot.
Derek: Baby…
He stands and gives me a kiss.
Derek: That was sweet.
I chuckle.
Me: I didn’t go in too deep. I’m saving the
depth for my vows.
He smiles brightly.
Derek: I can’t wait!
He kisses me again before he sits…

INSERT 179
Derek has been showering me with kisses
for 5 minutes now.
Me: Ngidi, stop phela!
He gives me another kiss and I push him
away.
Me: Sit down man!
He obliges and looks at me happily.
Dereck: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
He takes a deep breath and then looks at
his journal.
Derek: I don’t know how I’m going to top
that…
Me: Don’t even lie. We both know how
good you are with words.
He blushes and clears his throat. He
focuses on his journal and I stare at him.
Derek: I value your presence in my life.
You untie all the knots in my heart. With
every touch, kiss, sweet silence, I feel
empowered. I feel empowered to take
care of you, and ensure that your heart is
on the same frequency as mine. You are
my home. Throughout my life, I had no
idea that a love like this exists. You have
exposed me to parts of myself I had no
idea existed. I didn’t know that I was
capable of inhaling and exhaling a love so
deep, complicated, frightening yet
beautiful and pure.
Yoh I’m already tearing up.
Derek: Our love is getting drunk together
and drunkenly debating about stupid shit.
Our love is me getting annoyed every time
you forget to close the tap once you’re
done using it.
I chuckle.
Derek: Our love is you getting annoyed
whenever I want to cuddle with you every
chance I get. It is us enjoying each other’s
company… Our love is having dramatic
fights that could easily be avoided. It is us
trying to understand the intent behind
our actions, and communicating
effectively to solve our problems. Our
love is laughing at how stubborn and
dramatic we are when we’re too
emotional...
I am shook.
Derek: Most importantly, our love is us
trusting each other with our hearts. It is
coming face to face with each other’s fears
or darkest sides. It is accepting each
other, flaws and all…
He glances at me before carrying on.
Derek: My love for you is me not wanting
to be with anyone else but you. My love is
me having a stressful day, and
immediately cheering up because you’ve
crossed my mind.
He clears his throat as he chokes up.
Derek: Our love has multiplied and
literally manifested itself into a very
moody, cute and bright Star.
I chuckle.
Derek: I have never been this content in
my life. Throughout my life, I didn’t feel
like I belonged anywhere. As much as I
knew I was loved, there was never a sense
of belonging. You’ve changed all of that.
You make me feel safe and genuinely
cherished. We may fuss and fight, but I’m
confident in our love.
He takes a deep breath and finally looks at
me.
Me: I was never ready.
He smiles lightly.
I stand and then pull him up.
Me: That was lovely, Star.
I wrap my arms around him and bury my
head on his chest.
Have you ever sobbed, because you are
overwhelmed with love and joy? This is
me right now.
We stand there for a very long time,
processing this love.
I eventually look at him and plant kisses
on his lips.
Me: I love you.
Derek: Not as much as I love you.
Me: Argh, you beat me. You are a deep
man.
He laughs.
Derek: My vows will be better than yours.
Me: We'll see about that…
We share a kiss and continue holding
each other.
***
It’s now around 12pm. After the
emotional journaling we did, we ended up
taking a nap, which wasn’t part of my
plan.
We’re now in the kitchen, well-rested.
Me: I thought we’d make burgers
together.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: Argh, I’ll make the cocktails. You will
cook.
Derek: Okay.
I roll my eyes.
Me: You may as well stop pretending like
you don’t agree with your friends about
my cooking.
He plants a kiss on my cheek.
Derek: I plead the fifth.
Me: Mxm!
I watch as he gets ready to cook.
I’m so glad that Derek doesn’t expect me
to be outchea slaving away in the kitchen.
He genuinely loves and enjoys cooking.
Being in the kitchen makes him happy.
Therefore, there's less pressure on me
***
We’re now in the lounge, eating.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes, Nkanyi.
He looks at me softly.
Derek: What did Zimkitha do to you?
I look at him blankly.
Me: What’s happening?
Derek: I’ve been observing how you
interact with her.
Me: What do you mean? It’s not like she’s
here everyday.
He raises an eyebrow and I grunt.
Me: She didn’t do anything to me.
Derek: Manje why are you cold whenever
she’s around?
I shrug.
Me: I didn’t realise.
He raises an eyebrow again.
Me: I’ll be kind next time.
Derek: Please do. I love Zimkitha. She is
like a mother to me. I don’t want bad
vibes between you two.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Good. How is the burger?
Me: Great. How is the cocktail?
Derek: Great.
Me: Good.
He chuckles.
Derek: I miss Liya.
Me: Me too. He smiles.
Derek: So, when are we having another
one?
Me: Another what?
Derek: I want another one.
Me: U-right phela. You’ll have it by
yourself. He laughs.
Me: Family planning is a thing now. I’m
not about to pop random babies.
He continues laughing…
***
Once we’re done eating, we clean up and
go outside.
Derek: What’s our next activity?
Me: I’d like us to work on vision boards.
He smiles.
Derek: You really planned this shit, huh?
I nod happily.
Me: Sit down. I’ll get the magazines and
stationery.
After a few minutes, I come back with
everything.
Me: This vision board is not limited to our
relationship. Include where you see
yourself in all aspects of your life in 5
years.
Derek: Yes, ma’am.
We both start working on our vision
boards.
This new phase in my life has really made
me think about my goals and dreams. I
don’t want to get so caught up in being a
mother or wife, that I lose touch of my
personal aspirations. I strongly believe
that women can be mothers or wives on
one hand, while still pursuing their
dreams on the other hand. I don’t want to
limit myself and get to a point where my
life only revolves around my role as a
mother or wife. Yes, I value these roles,
but there’s more to Ziyanda Dlamini than
that...
Me: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Derek sighs thoughtfully.
Derek: Married. 3 kids. Travelling.
Me: Hmm. He looks at me amusingly.
Derek: Do you have a problem with that?
Me: Not really. I’m not sure about the kids
though.
Derek: I’m in no rush.
Me: Good.
Derek: Where do you see yourself in 5
years?
I sigh thoughtfully.
Me: I’ll be a working mom.
He nods.
Me: I also want to travel, and explore
different environments.
Derek: Good.
Me: Most importantly though, I want
pursue my Honours in Curriculum
Studies. Maybe I can even squeeze in a
Master’s degree.
He smiles.
Derek: I’m glad you want to further your
studies.
I nod.
Me: I also want to hire a personal driver.
He stares at me for a good second.
Suddenly, he starts laughing, because he
can see how serious I am. I genuinely
have zero FOMO of owning a car or
driving. I want to be driven everywhere,
and not stress about unnecessary car
drama. This has been the case all my life.
People think I’m weird, but it is what it is.
I genuinely believe that I deserve a
chauffeur in my life. I can’t be dealing
with shit from taxi drivers and constantly
trying to keep my road rage in check. I
make a better passenger… Weird, I know.
Derek: I can be your personal driver.
I shake my head.
Me: I need someone who’ll be on call
24/7. Wena you’re just a bonus. He
continues laughing.
Derek: You’re really strange.
I sigh.
Me: I also want to build a house for my
parents.
He smiles.
Derek: Can I help?
I shake my head.
Me: This will be my project. You will not
interfere.
Derek: That’s admirable, baby.
Me: That’s it so far. You know I can’t
handle too many goals… I’d go crazy.
Derek: We just have to make sure that all
our goals are SMART: specific,
measurable, attainable, realistic and
timely.
Me: Yes, sir.
Derek: I’ve achieved most of my goals…
Me: Really?
He nods.
Derek: I have a school… I have a family… I
am wealthy…
Me: Wena na.
Derek: I’ve worked hard for all these
things. I’m enjoying the fruits of my
labour.
Me: Hmm, you don’t say…
Derek: So, we agree that you’re going to
be working at the school when you’re
ready?
Me: Yep. I can’t wait.
Derek: We have to create a position for
you. You’ll be in charge of the educators,
ensuring that they are well-equipped to
perform.
Me: I’ve ghat you.
Derek: Excellent.
Me: We have to discuss my salary.
He grins.
Derek: I thought you were going to work
for free…
Me: Udakiwe bhuti. I can’t be popping
babies, and not get a decent salary.
He laughs and continues joking as we
continue working on our vision boards.
Once we were done, we explained our
visions to each other.
Overall, this was a great activity, because
we both got to understand our personal
goals, and set goals together- for our
relationship. Somehow, I’m no longer
anxious about the future. I’m naturally a
planner, so the activity was perfect for
me. I should really kiss my brain yazi, I
did the damn thing today.

INSERT 180
It’s now 4pm. After a very emotional and
lovely day, we are now ready for
Nkanyezi to come back home. We decided
we’d fetch her ourselves.
As we’re driving to Soweto, I get a call
from Dean.
Me: Langelihle.
Dean: I’m already at your parents’ house
with Lwazi.
Me: Didn’t you get my message?
Dean: I’m only reading it now.
Me: Oh. Star and I are on our way.
Dean: It’s okay. Your mom is about to dish
up for us.
Me: Gosh. He laughs.
Dean: See you soonest.
Me: Soonest.
I end the call and look at Derek.
Derek: You already know that this is
going to be a an event, right?
I sigh.
Me: This is the last thing I need.
We continue chatting and eventually get
to Soweto.
When we get there, I go straight to Dean,
who is carrying my child and take her
from him. I shower Star with kisses and
she giggles. She’s happy to see me.
Me: Hello, angel.
She continues giggling.
I am suddenly filled with happiness.
Mom: Heeh so you don’t even greet your
parents first?
I ignore her and continue showering Star
with kisses. I missed her so much!
I glance at Derek, and it is clear that he
also wants a piece of Nkanyezi. I hand her
over to him and he also gets lost in her
giggles.
I look at everyone and smile.
Me: Hello, people!
Mom: Hai suka.
I look at my dad.
Me: I’ve missed you.
He looks so happy. Whenever he’s with
Nkanyezi, his mood is high.
Dad: Unjani mntanam?
Me: I’m good.
I give him a hug and then look at Nolwazi.
Me: I’m so sorry that you had to come all
the way to Soweto, just because your
dumb fiance fails to read messages.
Dean: You should be thankful that your
parents are here. I respect Mr. Dlamz.
My dad chuckles and shakes his head.
Dad: You two make me feel like your
mother might have cheated on me and
made a son elsewhere.
Me: Euww!
I look at Dean.
Me: I'm not related to this ugly man!
I go to the kitchen to catch up with my
mom. She grins.
Mom: How was your day?
Me: It was nice.
Mom: Nice?
Me: Yes.
I look at her shyly and she laughs.
Me: Mama…
Mom: What? I’m not judging you. You
have a child now, so I can’t pretend you
don’t have sex.
Me: Mama!
She continues laughing.
Mom: So, did you make it romantic?
Me: Mama, man.
Mom: Okay, I’ll stop. I’m glad you’re on
contraceptives. We’re not ready for
another grandchild. Me: Definitely.
Me: Good.
She looks at me mischievously and I
blush.
Mom: So, when do you want the wedding
to happen?
Me: I don’t know…
Mom: Derek better be thankful that we’re
not too strict when it comes to tradition…
Our lobola process has been shady, as you
always say.
Me: Well, it’s not like he has anyone to
represent him.
Mom: Are things still tense between him
and his parents?
I nod.
Me: He wants nothing to do with them.
She sighs.
Mom: The boy has had a rough life. I’m so
happy that he has you. I know you won’t
disappoint him.
Me: That’s a lot of pressure.
Mom: Haibo, do you have a man on the
side?
I laugh lightly.
Me: I doubt I’d still be alive.
She laughs.
Me: I’m just worried about Lelo.
Mom: Wasn’t he supposed to stay with
you?
I nod.
Me: Busi’s family managed to convince
Derek to not take Lelo.
Mom: Are they a good family though?
Me: Ya, I guess.
Mom: Then, don’t fight it. At the end of the
day that child is not yours, so you can’t
involve yourself too much. Support
Derek’s decisions…
Me: I won’t lie, Lelo is not my priority
right now. I love him, but we still have a
long way to go.
She nods.
Mom: Bond with Liya for now…
Me: Okay.
She gives me a kiss and carries on dishing
up.
Mom: When are you going to learn how to
cook?
Me: Mama, I just had a baby…
Mom: Heheee!
Nolwazi walks in and starts helping my
mom.
Nolwazi: Thank God we came here. I
wasn’t in the mood to cook.
Mom: Niyavilapha nina!
Nolwazi: Eish ma, it’s not easy juggling
these roles.
Mom: Hai suka!
They take the food to the lounge and I
follow them and sit next to Derek. Star
seems very comfortable in Dean’s arms.
Me: I’d like to feed her before I eat.
Dean: She’s full.
Me: Mxm.
My dad says a prayer and we all start
eating.
Mom: Liyakha is such a happy baby.
Dad: Ziyanda was a very mean baby.
Dean: No surprise there.
Just then, Dean’s phone rings and I
immediately stand and get Nkanyezi.
Me: I’ll be in the bedroom feeding her.
I walk to my bedroom and sit on the bed.
I miss being here.
As soon as she is in contact with my titty,
she sucks happily, and within minutes,
she is dozing off. I lay her carefully on the
bed just as Derek walks in.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yep, she just fell asleep.
He wraps his arms around me and our
heads touch.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love me too.
He pinches me lightly and I giggle.
We share a kiss before we walk back to
the lounge.
Mom: Is she asleep?
Me: Yebo.
Mom: Don’t you think she should sleep
here?
I glance at Derek and he is tense. Lol, he
doesn’t agree.
Me: No, we’ve missed her.
Dad: It's getting late now. You can’t be
driving with an infant at night.
I glance at Derek again and I can see that
he is having a mental debate.
Derek: You’re right.
Dean: Wow, you agree?
My mom laughs.
Mom: For a second, he looked like he was
ready to kill me.
Dad: He wouldn’t dare.
Derek lightens up and we continue eating
and chatting.
Overall, it was a lovely evening. As much
as Dean annoys me, there’s never a dull
moment when he’s around. I love him and
Lwazi.
I was really tempted to sleepover with
Little Star, but I was also glad that I was
going to spend a peaceful evening with
Big Star.
***
Another month has passed, and I am
slaying this mommy thing. Yes, there are
moments when Star drives me crazy with
her crying, but it’s nothing hectic.
I feel good.
There’s something about this new phase
in life… I don’t know how to explain it…
I’m just drowning in love. I’m happy.
Derek has asked me to go with him to
work. Apparently, there are a few
teachers who are slacking, and he doesn’t
want to deal with them.
Me: So, you don’t want these people to
think you’re mean?
Derek: I don’t want to be involved. I need
to hire a principal ASAP. I can’t be
running the school behind the scenes and
be a principal at the same time. It’s
strenuous.
Me: Hmkay.
He chuckles.
Derek: Just so you know, they already
think you’re a bitch.
Me: Who? The teachers?
He nods.
Me: What the hell? I’ve been nothing but
kind to those heffers!
He laughs and continues telling me how
his employees think I’m a meanie. Clearly,
he wants me to do his dirty work, while
he remains the sweet one.
***
I must say that I am very proud of Derek.
He really did the damn thing with this
school. It’s private and intimate. We didn’t
even struggle with enrolment (most of the
parents from our previous school
followed him because they’re loyal and
obsessed with him). All our classes are
fully enrolled.
We get to the school and make our way to
his office.
Me: Where’s Andile?
Andile is the Assistant Principal. He’s
around the same age as Derek. Initially, I
was against hiring him, because I wanted
a woman, but Andile had the experience
and qualifications. He is great for the
position.
Derek: He’s attending training on
curriculum.
I nod.
Me: So, who’s giving you problems?
He sighs.
Derek: Tshidi, the grade R English
teacher, Danny, the grade 3 Maths
teacher, and Tshepo, the Life Skills
teacher.
I nod.
Me: How is Yoli?
Derek: She has improved.
Me: Okay then. Let me go observe them.
I get my notebook and make my way to
one of the classes. I start with Danny, the
grade 3 Maths teacher.
As soon as she sees me, she gives me a
weird look. I make my way to the back of
the class and sit down. I watch as she gets
the attention of the students and starts
teaching them.
It’s safe to say that my ass is shook. This
girl’s behaviour management sucks. The
students are not fully engaged, some of
them are out here running around, while
she is standing on one spot, focusing on
the “smart” group.
I don’t know how many times I had to
stop myself from standing up and fixing
her mess.
After 15 minutes, I am gatvol. I see two
students fighting and Danny doesn’t even
stop them.
I stand and clap twice. Everyone
immediately looks at me. I clap twice
again, and they automatically clap twice.
Me: Who lives in a pineapple under the
sea?
All of them: Spongebob Squarepants!
It is silent.
Me: When I get to zero, you are seated
silently, with your books open on your
tables.
I look at one of the students.
Me: What happens when I get to zero?
Student: We are seated.
Me: How are you seated?
Student: Quietly.
Me: No.
I look at another student.
Me: How are you seated?
Student: Silently.
Me: Good. There’s a difference between
silently and quietly. Silently means no
sound, quietly means not very loud.
I look at the student who got it wrong the
first time and ask him again.
Me: How are you seated?
Student: Silently.
Me: Excellent… What else are you
supposed to do?
I look at a different student.
Student: Open our workbooks.
Me: Excellent.
I glance at Danny and her face is already
red and tight.
Me: 10… 9…
The students sort themselves out. They go
back to their seats.
Me: 7… 6 …
I see one girl not doing anything. She’s in
her own world.
Me: I can see that this group is taking out
their books and opening them. Well done.
The girl snaps out of it, and I watch as she
glances at her group mates (whom are
doing the right thing). As a result, she also
takes out her book and opens it. She looks
at me and I wink at her. She smiles.
Me: 2… 1… 0…
They are all looking at me. Their books
are out and open.
Me: Excellent job, everyone. Well done!
They look at me happily.
Me: Over to you, Ms Graham.
I give her a serious look and walk out of
the class, annoyed as hell!
I was extremely pissed after checking out
these people’s classrooms. They’re a hot
mess!
I go to the office and find Derek and
Andile there. Derek looks at me and
smiles. I ignore the butterflies in my
stomach and grunt.
Me: These people suck! What the hell?!
He sits back and listens as I vent.
Me: You need to address their lack of
investment and professionalism!
Derek: I agree.
Me: That white girl is steady chilling while
the kids are running the class! She only
focuses on the “smart” students! What the
fuck is wrong with her?? I put down my
notebook.
Me: And then there’s that Tshepo! Wow!
He’s busy on his laptop while the students
are working! Did you not tell these
bitches that laptops are not allowed in the
class unless they’re part of the lesson?!
I huff angrily.
Derek: Baby, take a deep breath.
I sigh heavily.
I glance at Andile.
Me: Hey.
He chuckles.
Andile: Imagine working with them
everyday…
Me: Why are you letting them get away
with it?
He shrugs and smiles.
He has nice dimples.
Andile: We have a staff meeting today.
You can address your issues then.
Me: Hmkay.
I sit and drink some water.
Me: We should give them warnings.
Derek: Yes, ma’am.
He chuckles with Andile.
Andile: See you guys later.
Me: What happened to the training
session?
Andile: Got cancelled.
Me: People are so unprofessional.
Andile: Let me leave, before I get chowed
as well…
Me: Very funny.
He grins and walks out.
Me: Let me check on Yoli.
I stand and walk out. As I make my way to
Yoli, I bump into Andile again.
Andile: How’s the little one?
Me: She’s okay, hey.
He nods.
Andile: Are you here for the day?
Me: Yep. Clearly you and Derek are
merely decorations here. I need to fix
your mess.
Andile: Yoh.
I get to Yoli’s class and find her giving out
instructions for transitions. Her students
are getting ready to go to another class.
She smiles when she sees me, but
continues focusing on her students.
I watch as they do as she says.
She has really come a long way. When she
came here, she couldn’t even speak up.
Now, she’s confident. She still has a long
way to go, but her progress is admirable.
Once her class has left, she walks to me
and we share a hug.
Me: Unjani?
Yoli: I’m great, and you?
She smiles sweetly. She has even gained a
bit of weight. She looked frail and fragile
the last time I saw her.
Me: I’m good.
Yoli: How’s your baby?
Me: She’s really good yazi. I take out my
phone and go to my gallery.
So, I’ve officially become the mom who
goes on and on about her child. Derek’s
crew always makes fun of me, but I don’t
even care. I love showing off my Star.
Yoli smiles as I show her pictures of
Nkanyezi.
Yoli: She’s adorable!
Me: Thank God for that!
She laughs.
We continue chatting and catching up.
After a while, her students line up outside
her class, and I walk out. When I get back
to the office, I find Danny Graham there. I
already know what this is about.
She looks at me.
Me: Hi, Ms Graham.
Danny: Hi. Can I have a word with you?
Me: Sure.
Derek pretends to be focusing on his
laptop, but I know his nosy ass is
listening.
Danny: I don’t appreciate how you came
into my classroom and just took over.
I nod slowly and listen to her whine about
me taking her control and running her
class- as if her people didn’t take over our
country.
Me: As much as I would like to empathise
with you, I really can’t. What I witnessed
in your space was shocking. It is evident
that you are not maximising your
instruction time, and I am more
concerned about the students we are
serving.
She looks at me, gobsmacked.
Me: Students were running around while
you were teaching. Only a few students
were engaged, and you didn’t seem to
care. Danny, there were students fighting
right next to you.
Danny: I feel disrespected.
Me: You should. The students definitely
do not respect you, and I would like to
help you gain their respect. She tries to
say something, but stops herself.
Me: Do you not have a class right now?
Danny: I do.
Me: So, who are they left with?
Danny: No one.
I raise an eyebrow. She walks out and
closes the door.
Derek’s mouth is open. He is staring at
me.
Me: Mxm.
I sit and focus on my phone.
Me: You disappoint me. I’m going to tell
Dean about your incompetence.

INSERT 181 (Unedited)

Everyone is seated. Derek, Andile and I
are standing.
Me: Is everyone here?
Inga, the best teacher here, shakes her
head.
Inga: We’re missing Danny and Tshepo.
I check my time.
They’re five minutes late.
I glance at Derek.
What the hell is wrong with him? I feel
like he has become a softie.
Just then, Danny and Tebogo walk in,
thinking they’re the shit. They really think
they’re in high school and they’re the cool
kids. Ngizobanyisa.
They sit and I clear my throat.
Me: Good afternoon, everyone.
They greet back sheepishly.
If I had a choice, I’d get rid of everyone,
and only keep Yoli and Inga. The rest of
these bitches must go be prostitutes in
Hillbrow.
Me: As you may have noticed, I was doing
observations the whole day.
I can see the annoyance on some of their
faces- the “rebels.”
Me: I’m going to be frank with you,
because I’d like to think we’re all adults.
I look around.
Me: Right now, this whole team is fucked
up.
They all look at me in shock.
Me: The level of inconsistency in this
place is appalling. We have teachers who
do not deal with fighting incidents in their
spaces; we have teachers who watch
series and YouTube videos during their
lessons; we have teachers whose
classrooms are literally chaotic- posters
are all over the place, chairbags are filled
with unnecessary junk, and the classroom
layout is not conducive to learning.
I see I have woken them up.
Me: What will not happen, is you coming
here every single day to fuck up this
school- not only is our reputation at stake,
our money is also on the line. Parents
bring their kids here, because they trust
us. Do you think they’d be comfortable
with seeing their kids engaged in fights
while a teacher is there, teaching?
I look at Danny briefly.
Me: It is quite simple, really…
I look around.
Me: If you don’t believe in what we’re
trying to achieve here, then you are free
to walk away. These children deserve
passionate, positive, and present teachers.
They don’t deserve teachers who only
care about the smart kids in the
classroom. They sure as hell do not
deserve teachers who dismiss them when
they’re feeling sad.
I look around again.
Me: If you want to leave, this is your
opportunity to… There’s an intense
silence for a while.
Me: So, I’m assuming we all want to stay?
There’s silence once again.
Me: Then, we expect all of you to go home,
reflect on your actions, and your areas of
growth. We will start facilitating regular
training sessions that deal with your
areas of growth. Please approach
everything with positivity.
I look at Derek and Andile.
Andile: Each of you should type out your
reflections and send them to me.
Derek: Just so you know, Ziyanda will be
the principal as of next month.
I try to hide my shock, but fail.
I keep it together.
Me: That’s it for today. Enjoy the rest of
your day.
I walk out and we go to Derek’s office.
As soon as Andile closes the door, I look at
Derek.
Me: Really??
Derek: You’re amazing, baby. I can’t let
you go.
Me: I don’t want to lead those idiots.
He laughs lightly.
I look at Andile.
Me: Why don’t you take on the role?
Andile shakes his head.
Andile: I’m not ready. Besides, I’m busy
with my PhD. I won’t be able to juggle the
load.
I sigh heavily.
Me: I’ll think about it.
Andile: You’re going to nail it.
Me: You’re doing your PhD?
He nods happily.
Me: You PhD people just love bragging,
don’t you?
Andile laughs.
Andile: When you get to that level, you’ll
understand.
Me: Argh.
I look at Derek.
Me: Let’s go home.
Derek: Okay, let me finish sending these
emails quickly.
Me: Okay.
I walk out with Andile.
Me: Are you also going to open your own
school in the long run?
Andile: Yep. However, I want to open a
Foundation Phase remedial school.
Me: That’s great. There’s a market lapho.
He smiles.
Andile: See you tomorrow, then.
Me: Tomorrow? Nah fam. I’ll see you
people next month.
He chuckles.
Andile: Bye then.
Me: Shap.
I make my way to Yoli’s class. She must
have left already.
As I make my way back to the office, I
bump into Inga, our star teacher.
Inga: Hey, boss lady!
I sigh and she gives me a hug.
Inga: You’ll be great! These people need a
bit of spice to wake them up!
Me: Now I have to lead people who hate
me.
Inga: They really do hate you.
Me: I couldn’t care less.
Inga: That’s why you’re perfect. They
need to know that they don’t run things.
I chuckle.
Me: Hmkay then. Bye, Ings.
Inga: Bye, Mrs Ngidi.
I laugh lightly. If only she knew that I’m
not changing my surname once I get
married.
I walk back to the office and find Derek
packing up.
Me: Are you done, lover?
Derek: Yep.
He finishes up and we make our way out.
***
When we get to Dean and Nolwazi’s
house, we find Dean feeding Simo, while
Khulekani is busy playing. Star is lying on
the couch, kicking happily.
Dean has become our babysitter. Both he
and Nolwazi decided to leave their jobs.
They are planning on starting their own
business, something about business
consulting what what. If it’s not
education-related, honey I’m not
interested.
Me: Koko.
Dean: Ya nina.
He looks really good. Him and Derek are
sexy daddies.
Dean: How are you, madam principal?
Me: I’m not even surprised that he has
told you.
Derek is already focusing on Star.
I take Khulekani and give him a kiss.
Me: How’s my favourite twin?
He giggles as I give him kisses.
Simo immediately starts crying and
kicking.
We already know what’s up. I put Khule
down and Dean hands over Simo. She
stops crying and looks at me. If she could
speak, she would definitely put me in my
place. How dare I focus on her twin
brother when she’s around? Treacherous!
I play with her and she goes back to being
chirpy.
Me: I’m genuinely worried about this girl.
I can see her murdering Khule in the
future. She’s too self-centred.
Dean: She gets like this only when you’re
around.
Me: I mean, I know I’m great, but damn…
Dean: Mxm.
Me: Did Derek tell you how soft he has
become?
Dean: No, fill me in.
I go on to tell him about the hectic day I
had.
Once I’m done, Dean looks at Derek.
Dean: Is it Liyakha? Is she turning you
into a softie?
Derek: I don’t have the energy to be mean
anymore. I have nothing but love.
Dean: Cute.
I roll my eyes.
Me: You’re supposed to help me make fun
of him, idiot!
Dean: I was also soft after my babies. I roll
my eyes.
Me: I’m starting to think you’re not on my
team anymore.
Dean: I’m Team Love.
Me: Euww! As I vomit!
He laughs.
Me: Where’s Lwazi?
Dean: She’s outside with her friends.
Me: Really?
I want to meet Lwazi’s friends. They must
be gems.
Just then, we hear laughter.
Lwazi walks in first. She’s followed by two
other women, gorgeous women.
Lwazi: Zizi!
She walks to me and gives me a kiss.
Okay then. Clearly she’s tipsy. She then
gives Dean a kiss.
Nolwazi: Have you met my friends?
I shake my head.
Nolwazi: This is Sly and this is Nomi.
Nomi is drinking champagne from the
bottle.
Sly: Is this the legendary Ziyanda? Fuck,
we’ve heard way too much about you.
These people worship you.
Uhm. Is she joking or is she coming for
me?
I smile.
Me: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Sly: I was even starting to be jealous.
Nomi: Nice to meet you, Zi.
Nolwazi: They know about you.
Dean: When are you leaving my house?
Sly: Awume Dean. We are sleeping over.
Dean grunts and they laugh.
Sly: And... is this Derek?
She looks at Derek a little too long.
Nolwazi: Yes, this is Derek, Ziyanda’s
fiance.
Sly: Hmm, I see.
Derek is not even paying attention. Once
he’s around Star, best believe his ass
won’t be fully present.
Sly: Is that your child, Zi?
Me: Yep.
Simo kicks me and I give her a kiss. She
smiles.
Nolwazi: See you later. I just came in to
get more champagne.
Dean: Hmkay.
I watch as they walk out.
There’s an awkward silence. Dean looks
at Derek and I.
Derek: We don’t like them.
Dean laughs.
Dean: You didn’t even talk to them.
Derek: Liyakha allows me to ignore
people I don’t want to address.
Dean continues to laugh. I think I agree
with Derek. I don’t like that Sly one…
Something ain’t right there.
Me: We should get going.
Dean: Don’t you want to take me with?
Me: This is a big house. You’ll survive.
He groans.
Derek stands and I put down Simo and
take Star.
Me: Hey, baby!
Star snaps her tongue excitedly.
Me: See you soon, Langa.
Dean: Shap.
***
A week has passed.
I’m in the house with Star, when Zimkitha
calls and tells me that she is outside.
I let her in.
Zimkitha: Hey, baby.
Me: Hey.
She gives me a hug and we walk inside.
Me: Would you like something to drink or
eat?
Zimkitha: Whiskey.
I get her favourite bottle and a glass.
Zimkitha: Thank you.
She looks at me sadly.
Zimkitha: I miss you, baby.
I look at her blankly.
Zimkitha: Kodwa Ziyanda…
Me: I don’t know what to say...
She sighs heavily.
She downs her whiskey and nods slowly.
Zimkitha: I understand…
I stare at her.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s an
unknown number.
Me: Hello?
Person: Hi, am I speaking to Ziyanda,
Nkanyezi’s fiance?
Me: Uhm… who’s this?
Person: You’re speaking to Vicky. I’ve
been trying to contact your fiance for over
a year.
Me: Vicky?
I’ve heard this name before.
Before I can say anything, Zimkitha takes
my phone gently and walks away with it,
talking to this Vicky person.
I don’t even have the energy to follow her.
I take Little Star and give her all my
attention.
INSERT 182
The following week, I make my way to
Nolwazi’s house. She asked to meet with
me.
When I get there, she is already within
her champagne.
Me: Will you ever quit drinking
champagne?
Nolwazi: I’d rather die!
I laugh and we share a hug.
Me: Where are the megabytes?
Nolwazi: Zimkitha took them. I wanted a
day off.
Me: Hmkay.
Nolwazi: Have you two sorted out your
issues?
Me: I have no issues with Zimkitha.
Nolwazi: If you say so…
Me: Anyway, why am I here?
She laughs as we walk outside and sit by
the pool.
Nolwazi: I want to get married next
month.
Me: WHAT?!
Nolwazi: I’m serious.
Me: Next month??
She nods and smiles.
Nolwazi: I’ve been thinking about it a lot
lately.
Me: Nolwazi, do you know how much
planning and money you need for a
wedding?
Nolwazi: Ziyanda, I’ve been married
before. Me: Konje.
She chuckles.
Nolwazi: Exactly. I know what I’m doing.
Me: Does Dean agree?
Nolwazi: Is his opinion really valuable
once I’ve made up my mind?
We laugh.
Nolwazi: Just kidding. He has been
nagging me for a while now.
Me: Not surprised.
Nolwazi: We both want an intimate
wedding. This time around I’m all about
quality over quantity.
Me: Was your first wedding packed?
She sighs dramatically.
Nolwazi: You have no idea! I didn’t even
know more than half of the people who
attended!
Me: Yoh, was it Thenjiwe?
Nolwazi: Of course. That woman invited
all her people. That wedding was a show
for her.
Me: Did she hate you from the beginning?
Nolwazi: Not really. She started hating me
when she thought I couldn’t have
children.
Me: Thank God for Dean! You done
popped kids for the man!
Nolwazi: Indeed!
Me: So, what’s your plan?
Nolwazi: Sly has decided that she will be
the wedding planner.
Wow… I must say that I’m a bit touched. I
know I’m not a professional planner, but I
would have loved to help out…
Nolwazi: I would appreciate it if you’d
help her though.
Me: Really?
I smile.
Nolwazi: Of course. Sly is a seasoned
event planner. However, you’re also a
great planner. You always add something
special and memorable. I think the two of
you will be amazing.
I try to hide my disapproval. I didn’t really
hit it off with Sly.
Just then, I get a call from Derek.
Me: Excuse me.
Nolwazi: Okay.
I answer.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: Where are you? I miss you.
Me: I’ll be back soon. I’m still at Nolwazi’s.
Derek: Oh okay.
Me: How is Star?
Derek: I’m fine.
I giggle.
Me: Not you, dummy.
Derek: She’s fine. She just dozed off now.
I’m bored.
Me: Haibo, don’t you have work to do?
Derek: I have a lot of work to do, but you
know I’m not productive when you’re not
around. Come back.
Me: Okay, drama queen. I’ll be back soon.
Derek: Okay. I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Derek: Soonest.
Me: Soonest.
I end the call and focus on Nolwazi.
Me: So, wedding, next month?
Nolwazi: Yes, wedding, next month!
Me: We’re getting married!
Nolwazi: Yaaas!
She pours more champagne and we drink
up.
***
When I get back home, I find Derek
cooking.
Me: Whatchu cooking?
He grabs me and presses me against the
fridge.
Me: Whooa, relax!
He smiles and gives me a kiss. After a
while, he pulls a face as he stares at me.
Derek: You tipsy?
Me: Just a little.
Derek: Without me?
He pouts and I laugh.
Me: Nolwazi kept the champagne flowing.
Derek: She told you about the wedding?
Me: Nigga, you knew??
Derek: Only found out about 10 minutes
ago.
Me: They are really getting married next
month…
Derek: Aha.
I get a bottle of wine and he watches as I
open it and drink from the bottle.
Derek: What’s going on?
Me: I’m in a drinking mood.
He focuses on his pots while I drink up. I
sit on a high stool and watch as he does
his thing.
Me: Her friend is planning the wedding.
Derek: You wanted to plan it?
Me: I mean… I wouldn’t mind...
Derek: Sly is Nolwazi’s best friend.
Me: Yeah yeah.
Derek: I don’t want you caught up in
wedding drama. I’m glad you won’t be
involved.
Me: Well, she sorta asked me to help out.
He shakes his head.
Me: Is this you making a final decision as
the man of the house?
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: Yes.
Me: Yhu, I swear I just became moist.
He tries to stay serious, but ends up
laughing.
Derek: Baby, I’m serious. I don’t want you
to stress over other people’s weddings.
Me: I hear you. I won’t involve myself
fully.
He nods happily.
Derek: I’m loving your new vibe. You’ve
been minding your business these days.
Me: Liyakha is a handful.
Derek: You hardly use that name.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: Ready to admit that it’s a beautiful
name?
Me: Not better than Nkanyezi.
He blushes.
Me: Want some wine? I’m ready to down
this whole thing.
Derek: In the mood for whiskey.
Me: Hmkay.
I get him his whiskey.
Derek: Zimkitha almost finished this
bottle mos…
Me: She was in one of her strange moods.
Derek: She’s always going through
something.
I sigh.
Me: Anyway, let’s talk about this principal
thing…
He smiles.
Me: I’ll do it, but I don’t think I want to
start anytime soon.
He nods.
Me: What happened to you wanting me to
be a housewife?
He chuckles.
Derek: Hai, you’re not about that life.
Me: Yaas!
He continues chuckling.
Derek: I sound more like you with each
passing day.
Me: Pussy Power is a real thing.
We continue chatting.
***
I decided to go to school with Derek
today.
I want to check up on those heffers.
It’s now lunchtime and I’ve been doing
observations since 9am.
Me: I’m ready to go home now.
Derek: Don’t leave me.
Me: As much I’d like to be with you, I miss
Star.
He groans and stands.
Derek: I’ll be back.
Me: Shap.
He walks out just as Andile walks in.
I look at him for a while…
Me: Are you seeing anyone?
Andile: Excuse me?
Me: Are you seeing anyone, romantically?
He looks at me in slight disbelief.
I’m not even ashamed. I really want to
hook him up with someone. I feel like he’s
one of those guys who live by themselves,
and crave companionship.
The problem is that all my friends are
taken.
Andile: I’m not seeing anyone
romantically.
Me: Not even for entertainment nyana?
He chuckles.
Andile: Well…
Me: Hmkay.
Andile: Are you okay? This is unlike you.
Me: Hai I can’t be a dragon 24/7. Also,
we’ll be working closely together, so we
need to get to know each other.
He nods slowly and looks at me weirdly.
Just then, the door opens.
I have to catch my breath when I realise
that it’s Dean. I don’t think I’ll ever get
used to these people’s attractiveness.
Dean: Ya wena.
Me: Mxm.
Dean glances at Andile.
I’m expecting Andile to greet Dean,
because Dean always demands respect
nje.
Andile looks back at him calmly.
They stare at each other.
Heyi the testosterone is outchea!
Dean: Andile.
Andile: Dean.
They both nod lightly.
I roll my eyes.
Men are so dramatic to be honest.
Andile looks at me and smiles.
Andile: You leaving soon?
Me: I want to have a quick meeting with
you, before I leave, regarding Danny. We
need to find interventions for that girl.
He chuckles.
Andile: No problem. I’ll be in my office.
Me: Shap.
He glances at Dean briefly before walking
out and closing the door.
Dean stares at me.
Me: The drama dramz.
Dean: I don’t like that boy.
Me: Which boy? Andile?
He continues staring at me.
Me: Argh, sit down and stop annoying me.
He sits on Derek’s chair and starts
spinning slowly.
Me: How are the wedding plans going?
He grunts.
Dean: Sly is annoying the shit out of me.
I laugh.
Dean: She thinks this is her wedding.
Me: Isn’t she married?
Dean: How, when she prides herself on
taking people’s men?
I screech.
Me: Dean! The shade!
He hisses.
Me: Damnit!
The door opens and Derek walks in.
I smile.
Derek: Look what the wind blew in.
Me: I have a meeting to attend. I’ll give
you two time to catch up.
I give Derek a kiss before walking out.
INSERT 183 (Unedited)
Dean and I are driving to his house from
school.
Dean: You’re really taking this principal
position?
Me: I guess.
Dean: You’ll be great.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Dean: We just need to fire that Andile oke.
Me: Dean, stop being jealous. You can’t be
the only alpha male in the world. There
are other great men out there.
Dean: You think that boy is great?
I shrug.
Dean: Mxm.
I laugh lightly.
Me: So, uthi Sly is a man stealer?
Dean: You have no idea. She has finished
them all.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Dean: She used to date Liwa back in the
day.
Me: WHAT?!
I look at him in shock.
Me: Does Vuvu know about this??
Dean: I’m not sure.
Me: Wowzer!
Dean: She loves going for men that are
taken. She says so herself.
Me: Nolwazi is comfortable with that?
He glances at me blankly.
Dean: You can’t possibly think I’d
entertain a woman like Sly.
Me: Yoh.
Dean: She knows I’m not about that life.
I giggle and he looks at me weirdly.
Me: You are all starting to sound like me.
Dean: It’s these ghetto reality shows you
make us watch.
We continue chatting until we get to his
house.
Nolwazi wants me to meet with Sly.
I don’t even know how I’m supposed to
act now that I have all this tea on her. I
mean, I don’t have a problem with women
who are not into serious relationships
and just want to tap and go. However, I do
have a problem when a bitch thrives on
inserting herself in other people’s
relationships intentionally.
Anyway when we get to the lounge, we
find Nolwazi, Nomi and Sly there.
Why do I get the feeling that this Nomi
person is always drunk?
Me: Good afternoon.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi!
Nolwazi stands and we share a hug.
I look at Nomi and Sly.
Me: Hello.
Nomi: Hey, love.
Nomi takes a sip of her wine and smiles.
I glance at Sly, who is staring at me. I can’t
really read her expression.
Sly: How are you?
Me: I’m good and you?
Sly: I’m fantastic. Where’s Derek?
I try by all means to keep a straight face.
She smiles and takes a sip of her wine.
Just as I’m about to respond, Dean places
his arm around my shoulders, and leads
me to another room.
I grit my teeth.
Me: Dean.
Dean: I know.
I look at him angrily.
Dean: It’s not worth it.
Me: She’s testing me… That’s the only
logical explanation I have right now. The
bitch is trying me.
He chuckles as he squeezes me for a few
seconds.
I take a deep breath.
Dean: She’s really not worth it. She’s
being childish.
I roll my eyes.
We walk back to the lounge.
Nolwazi looks nervous.
I smile brightly.
Me: So, what’s up? Do you need help with
anything?
Nolwazi: Oh, uhm… We’re trying to figure
out where the wedding should be.
Me: Why don’t you have it here? You have
a huge yard.
Nolwazi: Exactly!
Sly: We can hire a venue. I don’t want to
be limited.
Me: Isn’t there a budget?
Sly: What? A budget? For who?
I look at Nolwazi.
Sly: I don’t know where you’ve been, but
we don’t do budgets around here.
Me: Well, alright then.
Dean: We do have a budget actually. We
have a family now, we can’t be
irresponsible with our money.
Sly: Hehe!
Me: I’m not a professional planner, but
even I know that a budget is the
foundation of planning an event. A
timeframe also forms part of the
foundation.
Dean: Common sense, really.
Sly: Nolwazi, talk to your people. I’ve been
your planner for years now. Angazi
kwenzakalani right now.
Nolwazi: Friend, Langa is right.
Nomi: They are absolutely right. There’s
nothing cute about blowing up money
these days. We’re all about financial
security and shit.
I could kiss Nomi right now. I don’t know
what’s wrong with this Sly person.
Then it hits me...
Maybe I can hook up Andile with Nomi.
I’ll sort it out another time.
Nolwazi: Alright. I’m glad you’re here
Langa. We haven’t decided on a budget.
Me: Do you guys want a white wedding,
traditional or both?
Nolwazi: Can I be honest with you?
She looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: I’ve done this before. I’d rather
you tell me what you want and I’ll go
along.
Me: That’s sweet.
Nomi: Lwa you are such a cutie. Nomi
gobbles up her wine and pours some
more.
Dean: Lwazi, you know I’m not a flashy
person.
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Wena?
He spanks her ass and we all sit.
Dean: Listen, I can’t say I want a full-on
traditional wedding, because I know
nothing about those things… I wasn’t
raised traditionally. I also can’t say I want
a white wedding, because I’m not that
oppressed in life.
Nolwazi giggles and gives him a kiss.
Nolwazi: We’ll have a mixture of some
sort.
Dean nods.
Me: I think I’m also going to have a
mixture. Even our lobola process was
shady.
Nolwazi: Girl, tell me about it! That’s what
happens when you marry a man with
limited family.
Dean: Wow, are you coming for me?
Me: You actually raise a good point. These
men have some fucked up family
dynamics.
Nolwazi: They literally have no fathers!
Dean: Wow!
Nomi: You people are weird.
She drinks some wine and focuses on her
phone.
I glance at Sly. She seems to have zoned
out, because she is typing away.
Dean: Are you done coming for me?
Me: Askies.
Sly: So, what’s your budget?
Nolwazi and Dean look at each other.
Dean: R300 000
I suddenly can’t breathe.
I cough like a mad person and Nomi gives
me some of her wine.
Nomi: Wait, don’t finish it phela.
I recover.
Dean: Yini wena?
Me: Hai nothing.
My poor ass is shook! I was expecting
boma 80 tau nyana, kanti umuntu will just
do the most.
Nolwazi: Sounds reasonable.
I can’t even contain myself at this point- I
have to ask.
Me: Lwazi, how much was your first
wedding?
Nolwazi: Around two million.
Heyi! I start coughing again and Dean
laughs at me.
Dean: Uyislima Ziyanda.
Me: What? I’m genuinely not used to that
kind of money. My poor ass is shook!
Nolwazi: R300 000 is reasonable.
Dean: Max 400 000.
Me: Yeses!
I don’t even want to start thinking about
my wedding. I know for a fact that Derek
will want to do the most, but best believe
we’ll have a low-budget wedding. I’ll
make sure of it. Where the hell will my ass
get 400 000?? My savings are less that
half of that.
Dean: We have money, Ziyanda.
Me: Hai brother, it is crystal clear. I’m not
going to be a cockblocker.
I wish I had planned and executed my
wedding first, so I could show these
heffers that it’s possible to have a low-
budget wedding of excellent quality.
Me: So, when is the wedding?
Nolwazi: In three weeks.
Sly: Okay. I’ll come up with some themes
so you guys can choose.
Nolwazi: Okay.
Dean: Ziyanda of the Great Dlamini, I also
want some theme ideas from you.
Me: Really?
Dean: Yes.
Sly chuckles quietly.
I’m glad that Dean has my back. I want to
give him a big hug.
Dean: You’re very creative. I want you to
be involved.
Me: Cool.
Nomi: You seem cool. We should totes
hang out.
Me: Thank you.
We are definitely going to hang out. I’m
going set her up with Andile.
Just then, we hear footsteps and Derek
emerges.
As usual, I’m excited to see him.
Derek: Good afternoon, people.
Nolwazi: Hey, Star.
Derek: I came to fetch madam over here.
Dean: We can’t even get you a car as a gift,
because you’re so lazy.
Me: Wait, what?
Nolwazi: We’ve been meaning to
collectively get you one, as a push gift, but
we decided it would be a waste.
Me: Huh??
Dean chuckles.
Me: But-
Dean: You’re not getting it anymore.
Haibo, I feel like they’ve just dangled a
carrot in front of me, and then shared it
amongst themselves.
Derek: Ready to go, baby?
Me: Sure.
I stand and get my bag.
Derek: Have a good day further.
Nolwazi: Thanks, you too!
Sly: Bye.
Nomi: Bye, D!
D my ass. She must stick to getting drunk,
unless she wants to catch these hands.
We say our goodbyes and Dean walks us
out.
Me: Thanks for having my back.
Dean: I’ve got you.
I give him a hug and then look at Derek.
Me: Have I got some goss-goss for you!
Yhuu!
Derek: Yaas!
We laugh as Derek imitates me.
Dean: If you dare gossip about me-
Me: Byee!
Derek and I get in the car, and he drives
out of the yard.

INSERT 184
Liyakha is finally sleeping.
Derek and I get in bed.
Derek: What happened today?
Me: Heyi ngiyalingwa! Sly wants you!
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: She keeps testing me, outchea
bringing you up.
Derek: Do you want me to tell her to stop?
I sigh.
Me: No, it’s okay. I think she’s trying to get
me to react.
Derek: Are you planning on reacting?
Me: It’s not like I schedule my reactions,
dummy.
He laughs.
Me: On a serious note though, I’m not that
girl anymore. I’m a woman now.
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: I’m a mother.
He smiles even more.
Me: I can’t be out here in the streets doing
the most.
Derek: Mmm.
He pulls me closer and plants a kiss on my
lips.
Derek: You’re a woman now?
Me: I’m not just a woman, or a mother…
I’m a fiance, you know? He laughs boldly
and I join him.
Me: I’m not going to entertain Sly.
Derek: Good girl.
We share a kiss.
Me: Anyway, so we discussed the
wedding.
Derek: And?
Me: Can you believe that Nolwazi’s
wedding cost them 2 million??
Derek: From my understanding, it was a
humongous affair.
Me: It’s ridiculous!
He smiles knowingly.
Derek: I’m sure you almost passed out
from shock.
Me: You have no idea! I lost it!
Derek: What’s the budget for this
wedding?
Me: Before I even get to that, can you
believe that Sly was busy saying a budget
is a waste of time??
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: When I asked them about the budget.
She said I obviously not part of the group,
because they don’t do budgets.
Derek: They? Who?
Me: I guess she was talking about her
circle.
He shakes his head.
Derek: Irresponsible behaviour.
Me: She was being unnecessary. Dean had
my back though.
Derek: It’s not like he had a choice.
Me: Vele. I’d kill him if he sided with other
people.
Derek: Even if he has known them longer
than he has known you?
Me: I don’t give a shit about who has been
here before me. The point is that I’m here
now.
He laughs.
Derek: Your inflated ego is unmatched.
Me: So, anyway, after Sly tried it with me,
Dean and Nolwazi stated that their budget
is R300 000 - R400 000!
He looks at me blankly.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Yes?
Me: Did you hear me? Their budget is
R300 000 - R400 000!
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: I feel like you’ve just lost me right
now. Do you not see anything wrong with
that?
He sighs.
Derek: Not really.
I groan loudly.
Me: I think I’m too poor for you people.
He chuckles.
Derek: You’re not poor anymore. My
money is yours.
I shake my head.
Me: R400 000 is a lot of money. Why
would you want to spend so much money
for an event? Where will that money go?
Feed strangers and expensive deco?
Derek: It’s their money, baby.
Me: True. What do I know? I should just
shut up. I’m just a typical no-money
having bitch.
I’m annoyed.
He realises this, and plants a kiss on my
cheek.
Derek: Dramatic much?
Me: Since we’re discussing budgets…
What is our budget?
I sighs and looks at me thoughtfully.
Me: I would like to think that you’re a
smart and financially responsible man.
He chuckles.
Derek: I am… I am also financially free to
do anything I want.
Me: Well, I’m not.
Derek: When are you going to get it
through your thick skull that we’re a unit
now?
I shrug.
Me: I don’t wake up everyday, and tell
myself that your money is my money,
because my ego won’t allow me to. I don’t
want to suck you dry.
He smiles slyly and I roll my eyes. I didn’t
even intend on throwing out that pun.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: That actually offends me. I always
have to tiptoe around you when it comes
to finances, because you refuse to spend
my money freely.
Me: I’m not used to this.
Derek: So, your previous boyfriends
didn’t spend money on you?
Me: They sure did, but I didn’t move in
with them, and get engaged. Our
arrangement is different.
He is silent for a minute.
Derek: I think we should speak to a
financial counsellor before we get
married.
Me: I’m already seeing a psychological
therapist. What more do you want from
me?
He chuckles lightly.
Me: Why should we see a financial
counsellor?
Derek: We need to make sure that we’re
both on the same page with our finances
before we tie the knot.
Me: My money is nothing compared to
yours.
Derek: So?
I sigh in defeat. He doesn’t understand.
I’m really struggling with the gap. I
always want to be on top of things, and
my finances right now, have put me in last
place. I’m literally huffing, puffing and
sweating at the back, while Derek is
chilling by the finish line. That’s how I see
it.
Derek: The problem is that you like being
in control.
I look at him guiltily.
Derek: We can’t get married until we’re
both on the same page in all spheres of
our lives, not just psychologically
Me: I hear you.
Derek: As the man of the house-
I giggle.
Derek: I have decided that we will see
someone who will help us.
Me: Okay, man of the house.
He gives me a kiss.
Derek: At some point, you’ll have to check
your ego. I have money, deal with it.
Me: You have a lot of money.
Derek: I have been preparing for this
phase of my life forever. As fucked up as
they are, my parents always emphasised
the importance of financial security from
the get go.
Me: That’s good.
Derek: I have an account for my wedding.
I’ve been saving up for it for the longest
time.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Derek: I thought Busi was the one…
Me: Yoh, haike.
He chuckles.
Derek: But, clearly Sly is the one.
I punch him lightly and he laughs.
Me: Don’t try me.
Derek: On a serious note though, the rest
of my life is dedicated to building a home
with you. I’m genuinely giving my all. I
want the same from you. Yes, we’re not
on the same level financially, but I’m not
going to walk away because of that. I’d be
crazy. You are also crazy for letting that
prevent you from just relaxing and
enjoying the ride.
Me: Okay.
We share a kiss and I rest my head on his
chest.
Me: So, what are we going to do?
Derek: With what?
Me: The wedding.
Derek: I’m going to cover everything,
because I have the means.
I try to protest, but stop myself, because I
know I’d be wasting my time.
Derek: Stop overthinking it.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: As for the budget, it will depend on
our vision.
Me: What’s our vision?
Derek: How about we dedicate a day for
that, the same way we did for our
personal goals?
Me: Okay.
Derek: Then, we’ll find common ground.
Me: Do you want a big wedding?
Derek: No. I don’t have too many people
in life.
Me: Me too.
Derek: Good. I also don’t think too much
money should be spent, unless it’s
necessary.
I put my head up and look at him.
Me: I want to change how your people see
events… I want to show them that it’s all
about quality, not quantity.
He smiles.
Me: We won’t need a lot of money, I
guarantee you.
Derek: I know you’ll nail it.
Me: When are we going to have the
wedding?
Derek: I think we should wait another
year. I don’t want us to rush.
Me: Thank God you don’t want to do it
next month!
He laughs boldly and plants a kiss on my
forehead.
Derek: I’ve never been one to rush things.
Me: Good things come to those who wait.
Derek: I’ve waited long enough for this…
Heyi, when he slides down that hand, I
know what time it is.
Me: Yaas!
He laughs lightly.
***
Little Star is such a cutie. She is a happy
baby.
What I am grateful for is that she doesn’t
like strangers. As soon as she realises that
a stranger is trying to hold her, her whole
mood changes. She loves her people, just
like her mommy.
Anyway, Little Star and I are at Nolwazi’s
house. It’s been a two days since our last
meeting. We’re here to discuss
invitations.
Sly and Nolwazi are already sipping on
champagne.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hey. How are you?
Nolwazi: Great!
Me: Hi, Sly.
Sly smiles.
Sly: Hey, Zi. You good?
Me: Yep.
Nolwazi: Hey, Star!
I hand over Star to Nolwazi.
Star smiles.
She loves Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: So, invitations…
Sly: Yes… Here are some ideas I
researched…
She takes out an A3 book and there are
pictures and everything.
She goes on to explain her ideas.
Sly: I like this one more…
She goes on to explain these ideas. I must
say that they were good ideas, but they’re
too common. They also lack the
“humanness.”
I know my ego won’t allow me to accept
Sly’s ideas. The childishness in me sees
this as a competition, and I really can’t
help it.
I just don’t like the woman.
Nolwazi: Alright, Zi, your ideas?
I take out my book as well and start
explaining.
Me: This group is filled with love and
humour, and I think it would be nice if the
invitations also had those elements.
Nolwazi nods.
Me: I thought this family tree idea is really
great. So, the invitation starts off with
your separate family trees, and then
shows how you two joined and became
one- leading to this very moment.
Nolwazi: Hmm.
Me: I know my ideas are a bit strange…
Nolwazi giggles.
Nolwazi: I actually like it.
Me: Here’s another idea… I saw this
somewhere, and actually liked it. The
invitation can be a puzzle.
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: I love that. I know it would
frustrate some people.
Sly: It’s been done before.
Me: Same way the ID/Passport thing is
tired, and has been done as well?
She raises an eyebrow.
Me: Also, it doesn’t make sense to use that
ID/Passport idea, because this is not a
destination wedding.
Okay.
I may have snapped just a bit.
Argh, but who cares? The heffer will get
over it.
Me: Now, can I continue?
Nolwazi clears her throat uncomfortably
and nods.
Nolwazi: Sure.
I continue pitching my ideas, avoiding
Sly’s stare…

INSERT 185
Little Star and I are now at school, visiting
Big Star. I needed to see him after that
invitation meeting.
We find his office empty.
The door opens and Andile walks in.
Me: Hey, Andi.
Andile: Hey.
He smiles widely as he steps closer.
I know Nkanyezi’s about to cry, because
she has no idea who Andile is…
Andile: Can I hold her?
Me: Uhm…
Star is not crying. She’s her usual self.
Me: Sure.
He takes her and she stares at him, clearly
trying to figure out who he is.
Andile: Hello, cutie.
Star continues staring at him. She seems
intrigued.
Andile: She actually looks like you.
Me: Hai don’t lie to me.
He chuckles.
Andile: She’s adorable.
Me: Thank you.
Star is still staring at him with wide eyes.
Lol, she is really focused.
Derek walks in and smiles.
Derek: You actually came.
Me: I keep my promises.
Derek: Star is in a stranger’s arms, and
she’s not crying?
Me: We serve a living God.
Derek: Indeed.
He steps closer to Andile.
Derek: That’s enough now. You can
occupy yourself with something else.
He takes her from Andile.
Andile: For a split second there, I had
baby fever.
Derek laughs lightly.
Derek: You need to start having kids.
Andile shakes his head.
Andile: Nah, I’m good.
Derek looks at me lovingly.
Derek: You good?
Me: Yep.
He nods and focuses on Little Star.
I look at Andile seriously.
Me: So, how are the teachers doing?
We walk out and leave Derek with Little
Star.
Andile: There’s some improvement. Yoli,
however, seems withdrawn again.
Me: She has gone back to being timid?
He nods.
Me: I’ll talk to her.
Andile: Okay. We get to his office and sit.
Me: And, our white girl?
He grunts.
Andile: I don’t understand why she
doesn’t leave. It’s clear that she doesn’t
want to be here.
Me: It’s affecting the kids.
Andile: Definitely.
Me: Have you given her a warning?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Really? How do you expect her to
wake up if there aren’t any sanctions for
her actions?
Andile: Derek is the one who’s
responsible for her.
I sigh heavily.
Derek is not focused these days.
Me: Anyway…
I smile.
Me: I have good news.
He looks at me suspiciously.
Me: Are you keen on a blind date?
Andile: Excuse me?
He stares at me in disbelief.
Me: Relax. She’s a great woman!
Andile: Are you serious, Ziyanda?
Me: Yes.
He is silent for a while. Eventually, he
starts laughing.
Andile: Are you fucken serious?
Me: Yes! I am dead serious!
He continues laughing for a while.
Andile: Wow!
Me: Don’t overthink it! I am a great love
connector!
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: You can call me The Love Zinnector.
He laughs once again and I join him.
Me: I’ll tell you when we’re doing the
things.
I stand.
Andile: Do I even have a choice?
Me: No.
He sighs and nods.
Andile: Alright then.
Me: Good. See you later, alligator.
Andile: In a while, crocodile.
I make my way back to Derek’s office.
Me: So… My plan is in motion.
Derek: What plan?
Me: Get Andile a Girlfriend.
He shakes his head lightly.
Derek: I’m not getting involved.
Me: We’re going on a double date.
Derek: Huh?
Me: I’m setting him up with Nomi,
Nolwazi’s alcoholic friend. It’s going to be
a blind date.
Derek: Ziyanda-
Me: As the woman of the house, this is my
final decision.
Derek: Manje mina ngingenaphi?
Me: Wena you just need to show up. It will
be a double date.
He sighs heavily and looks at Little Star.
Derek: I thought your mother had
changed her ways… Clearly I was wrong.
Me: Relax, it will be fun!
Derek: You’re mixing business with
pleasure. That is highly unprofessional.
Me: ...says the man who won’t even give
his troublesome employees written
warnings for their fucked-upness…
Hmkay, I’ll take your advice on
professionalism, Mr Principal.
His eyes pop out.
Derek: Zi!
Me: Don’t come for me.
Derek: That was low, baby.
Me: Don’t dish it out, if you can’t take it.
I take Little Star and shower her with
kisses.
Me: How’s my baby?
I continue kissing her till she giggles
happily- music to my ears.
Derek: We made a beautiful baby.
Me: Damn right we did. You ain’t married
to no average bitch, boy…
He laughs.
Me: Anyway, I need to contact Nomi.
Derek: You didn’t even tell me how the
invitation meeting went.
Me: It went well. Nolwazi obviously chose
my idea.
Derek: Really?
I nod and smile.
Me: Ziyanda Dlamini 1- Sly Da Hoe 0.
He laughs.
Me: Petty is out to play. She is ready for
anything.
Derek shakes his head.
Derek: You’re doing the most.
I laugh.
Me: When are we going home?
Derek: Soon.
Me: Alright then. Star and I will wait for
you.
He gives me a kiss and focuses on his
work.
***
So, I managed to get Nomi’s number, and
I’m meeting up with her for lunch.
When I get to the restaurant, I find her
drinking champagne- how shocking.
Nomi: Hey, love.
Me: Hey, Nomi. How are you?
We share a hug.
Nomi: I’m okay.
We sit. I stare at her. She has her natural
hair tied into a high bun. She makes me
have natural hair fomo, but I know I could
never be part of that movement. I
wouldn’t be able to take care of it.
The waiter takes my order.
Me: Can I just make a quick call? I need to
tell Derek that I arrived safely.
Nomi: No problem.
I call Derek and let him know I’m good.
Once I’m done, I find Nomi staring at me.
Nomi: I always wonder what it feels like
to love a man.
Haibo. Is she lesbian?
Me: You’ve never been in love?
She shakes her head.
Nomi: I don’t want to be vulnerable with
men. I don’t have the ability.
Me: Are you lesbian?
She chuckles.
Nomi: No. I’m straight.
Me: Oh okay.
Nomi: I don’t trust men. I think I’m going
to be single for the rest of my life.
Me: I was also like that.
She sips her champagne.
Me: Men are definitely shady.
Nomi: Yet we still want them.
Me: When was the last time you were in a
relationship?
She sighs.
Nomi: I’ve only had one relationship. It
was two years ago. I nod understandingly.
Me: Did he hurt you?
Nomi: Not really. I just wasn’t feeling the
relationship. I don’t think I’m meant to be
in a relationship.
Me: Why do you say that?
She shrugs.
Nomi: I guess I haven’t come across
someone who blows me away.
I clear my throat.
Me: Well… I have someone in mind for
you.
Nomi: Wait, what?
Me: Uhm, Derek and I would like to set up
a blind date for you.
Derek is used to me involving him in my
mess. He’ll be strong, shame.
Nomi: Huh?
I smile.
I hope she doesn’t go crazy on me.
Nomi: You want to hook me up?
Me: Yes. I have already spoken to the guy.
Nomi: Will it be a blind date?
I nod excitedly.
She stares at me for a while.
Nomi: I don’t know how to feel.
Me: He’s a great man. I have a good
feeling about this.
Nomi: You don’t even know me that well,
Zi.
Me: I know you well enough to know that
you need some good loving. She finishes
her champagne and groans.
Nomi: Tell me about him.
Me: Well… I won’t go into looks, because I
don’t want to sound shallow.
Nomi: Is he good-looking?
I nod.
Me: You’ll see for yourself.
Nomi: Does he work?
I nod.
Me: He is also doing his PhD.
Nomi: He has money, I assume?
I laugh and she finally smiles.
Me: Of course. Why would I hook you up
with a no-money-having-ass man?
She laughs.
Nomi: Well, I’m glad we’re on the same
page. I’m an expensive girlfriend.
Me: Aren’t we all?
The waiter brings our food.
Nomi: Alright, I’m game.
Me: Perfect! I won’t tell you about him.
You’ll see for yourself.
***
Me: Derek, hurry up!
Derek: Baby, I’ve been done for a while
now.
I walk out the bathroom, and find him on
the bed, using his laptop.
Me: Oh.
Derek: You’re the one who needs to hurry
up.
Me: 10 minutes is all I need!
Derek: Hmkay.
I know that he knows that I know that I’m
nowhere near done. Beating this face for
the Gods is no easy task.
Anyway, tonight is Date Night. Boy, am I
excited!
I’ve briefed Andile and Nomi, they know
what’s up.
Derek: You look beautiful.
Me: Thank you. You’re not too bad
yourself.
He chuckles.
Me: You ready?
Derek: Uh-huh.
Me: Alright.
I get my bag and off we go.
***
We arrive at the restaurant.
The table is booked and ready… but
something ain’t right.
There are two extra seats.
Me: Star, what’s happening? Did you book
a table for 6 people?
Derek: Yes.
Me: Who’s joining us?
Derek: They’ve just walked in…
When I turn around, I see Dean and
Nolwazi walking towards us.
Me: Are you kidding me?? Dean looks
annoyed as hell.
They finally get to us.
Nolwazi: Hey, guys!
Derek: Hey.
Nolwazi: Aww, Zi. I had to tag along. Nomi
hates men! I need to see how this goes.
Dean: Mxm.
Dean pushes me out of the way and sits.
He then takes out his phone and focuses
on it.
Nolwazi: I hope you don’t mind.
Really??
I look at Derek and he avoids my eyes.
We all sit.
I need a drink to loosen me up. This was
not part of my plan.
Dean: I just don’t unders-
Me: Listen here, you motherfucker, if you
even think of ruining this date, I will
punch your well-constructed face, you
understand?
Their jaws drop.
They’re all staring at me in shock.
Me: In fact, that goes for all of you.
I call our waiter and order a shot of
tequila.

INSERT 186 (Unedited)

I take my shot and look at them.
They’re still staring at me in shock.
Dean: You are such a mean person.
Me: You want some tissue, Diana? Want
me to breastfeed you as well?
Nolwazi: Ziyanda!
Derek: Yoh.
I look at Dean.
Me: I’ll finish you.
Just then, my phone beeps. It’s a message
from Andile, telling me that he is making
his way in.
Me: Andile is here. No bad vibes, please.
Derek: Well, you are the one who’s
threatening us…
I look over at Dean, and uswabe
kab’hlungu.
Me: I still love you, Langa.
Dean: Mxm.
I give him a smile.
Someone clears their throat and we all
look up and see Andile.
Yhu, people clean up nicely yazi.
Me: Andi!
I stand and give him a hug.
Andile: Hey.
I can tell that he is confused about
Nolwazi and Dean’s presence.
Me: Uhm, we have extra guests.
Andile: I can see…
He looks at Dean and then his eyes land
on Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: Hi, I’m Nomi’s friend, Nolwazi.
Andile nods lightly.
Nolwazi: Dean is my husband.
Andile: Nice to meet you.
Argh, I’m so annoyed! Why are these two
here? Now they’re making this awkward!
I have to compensate by being the overly
happy one.
Andile looks at Dean.
Dean: How are you?
He gives Andile a smile.
I have to sit, so I don’t fall.
Dean just greeted Andile. Dean just
smiled.
Haibo!
Andile: I’m well. I wasn’t expecting this to
be such a big deal.
Me: Listen, Dean and Nolwazi just popped
out of nowhere. I’m sorry about this.
I’m going to throw them under the bus.
Andile: It’s okay.
Me: Have a seat.
He sits next to me.
Derek: Ya, Andile.
They look at each other and laugh lightly.
Derek: I tried to talk her out of this.
Andile: I was told that I didn’t have a
choice.
Dean: This one tends to make decisions
for us. We are her puppets.
They all laugh.
I decide not to check them. If dissing me
means that there won’t be tension, then
they can go on. I’ll deal with them later.
Nolwazi: You are so handsome. How old
are you?
Andile: Thank you. I’m 32.
We all agree that old men are not for us. I
don’t want to date an old citizen. Imagine
if Derek was in his 40s. Lord, next thing
Little Star turns 10 and her dad is out
here getting ready to line-up eShoprite for
his pension at the end of every month.
Hell no.
I’m fortunate to be surrounded by young
men who are fresh and focused.
I don’t find old men attractive. I feel like
my depression and anxiety would be too
much for them, because they’re already
stressing about their old age, and their
abandoned children whom are roaming
around the country searching for their
asses, because they were once apartheid
comrades who were in exile.
Anyway, back to this date.
Nolwazi: You’re the Deputy Principal?
Andile: Yes.
Nolwazi: Nice.
I glance over at Dean. Shame. I can tell
that I hurt his feelings.
I take out my phone and send him a text.
Me: I’m sorry.
He checks his phone and I can see him
tightening his jaw.
He replies.
Dean: Fuck off. You’re cancelled.
Yoh. Haike.
I put down my phone and we continue
chatting with Andile.
The vibe is chilled.
Just then, we see Nomi approach the
table. Yaaas! She is snatched!
I stare at Andile as he stares at Nomi.
I want to see his reaction!
Nomi gets to us.
Nomi: Hey, guys.
She has the sweetest voice. Akaphaphi
uNomi. Akafani nathi.
She looks around the table.
Nomi: Lwazi?
Nolwazi: Girl, I had to see this!
Nolwazi stands and they share a hug.
Nomi is wearing the perfect jumpsuit. It
shows off her tight thighs and bum.
Maybe if I go to gym, I’ll also have her
body. Derek even gave up on me. I just
don’t know the directions to the gym.
Also, traffic is always hectic, and
apparently, they have electricity
problems. Hai, I’ll go next year.
Nomi then looks at Andile. Nomi: Hello.
Andile stands.
Yaaaas! He better wrap his arms around
her and show her that she needs his dick
in her life!
Andile: I’m Andile.
Nomi: Nomi.
She smiles lightly. I know her ovaries are
prancing around.
Heyiii, he wraps his arms around her.
Hehe!
I am so proud of myself right now.
Andile helps her sit and then he sits. This
is a circular table: Nomi is next to Lwazi;
Lwazi is next to Dean; Dean is next to
Derek; Derek is next to me; I’m next to
Andile; Andile is next to Nomi. The waiter
comes and takes our orders.
We’re on our second bottle of champagne
now. Nolwazi is obviously the one who’s
drinking it the most. Hopefully, Nomi will
chill a bit. I want her to stay focused
tonight.
Nomi then looks Andile.
I can feel the connection.
Nomi: So, I know nothing about you,
Andile.
Andile: You don’t say…
Nomi giggles.
Andile: What would you like to know?
Nomi: Everything, really. What do you do
for a living? How many kids do you have?
How much do you earn… important
details, you know?
We all laugh.
Andile starts telling us about himself.
Just then, my phone beeps.
It’s a message from Dean.
Dean: Stop smiling like an idiot. You look
stupid.
I look at him and he stares right back at
me. I stick out my tongue and then focus
on the love birds.
I feel Derek’s hand on my thigh and I
remove it. I glance at him, and he looks at
me sheepishly.
Me: Cancelled- that’s what you are.
Just as he is about to respond, I look away
and focus on Nomi and Andi again.
***
It’s been three hours of absolute bliss.
Nomi: I have a flight to catch in the
morning.
Nolwazi: We also have an early morning.
Me: Alright then. We can call it a night.
Nomi: I had a good time, thank you.
Andile: I’ll walk you out.
Nomi: Thank you.
They stand.
Nomi: Guys, I’ll see you soon.
Nolwazi: Travel safely, friend.
Nomi: Shap.
We say goodbye to her and watch as she
walks out with Andile.
Me: Hmyghad!
Nolwazi: That went so well!
Me: Right?!
I look at Dean and Derek.
They don’t seem as excited.
Nolwazi: And then, nina?
Dean: You two are so absorbed with the
idea of this working out, that you didn’t
even realise that that shit was one-sided.
Me: Huh??
Derek: Andile is definitely not into Nomi.
Me: WHAT?!
Nolwazi: WHAT?!
Dean rolls his eyes.
Me: What? What do you mean?
Derek: Baby, the “love” is one-sided.
Me: Guys?
I feel like someone just slapped me hard.
Nolwazi is also shook.
Me: How do you know?
Dean: It was very evident. Andile doesn’t
like Nomi like that.
Yoh.
I don’t know what to say.
Ngiswabile.
Dean sees this and immediately starts
chuckling. The chuckling turns into
straight laughing.
Me: What’s so funny?
He ignores me.
I stand.
Derek: Aww, ba-
Nolwazi: You guys are idiots!
Nxa!
I walk away as Nolwazi gives them a piece
of her mind.
I make my way outside, and find Andile
there. He’s having a smoke.
I walk to him and frown.
Me: You smoke?
Andile: Occasionally.
We stand in silence for a while.
Me: So, you don’t like her?
He exhales his smoke and I catch a whiff
of it.
Me: Please stop. I don’t want to smell like
cigarettes.
He chuckles as he takes one last drag and
gets rid of it.
Me: Answer my question.
Andile: What was your question konje?
Me: You don’t like her?
He takes out gum from his pocket.
Andile: She’s not my type.
Me: You have a type?
Andile: Hawu, don’t you have a type?
I groan.
Me: What’s your type?
Andile: Definitely not her.
I am so offended, and I’m trying my best
not to act out. He’s making it sound like
there’s something wrong with Nomi.
Me: Mxm. So you faked it?
Andile: I’m not rude, Ziyanda. What did
you want me to say? You wanted me to
reject her in front of everyone?
Me: Mxm.
Andile: You’re being dramatic.
Me: Don’t tell me I’m being dramatic!
He looks at me coolly.
Andile: I’m not interested in Nomi. I have
nothing against her.
Me: She’s a nice person, Andile.
Andile: I’m not disputing that. I’m just not
interested in her.
Me: Hmkay.
I’m so touched.
He pats my shoulder.
Andile: You tried…
Me: Mxm.
Andile: Next time, try to find out about my
type.
Me: There won’t be a next time.
Andile: Come on… You’ve been called The
Great Dlamini. Surely you don’t give up
that easily?
Me: Allow me to drown in my failure,
okay?
He laughs.
Andile: Alright then.
We walk back in. He gets his car keys and
wallet.
Andile: Thank you for a lovely evening. I
have to go.
They all say goodbye to him.
He looks at me amusingly and I grunt.
As soon as he is out, Dean’s laughter has
filled the entire restaurant.
Shit.
What did I get myself into?
Dean: Fuck! My stomach!
I.Want.To.Cry.

INSERT 187 (Unedited)

I just feel like my whole world has
changed.
For the first time in my life, I was
unsuccessful at hooking up people.
Yoh, I’m crushed.
I don’t know what to do.
When Derek and I arrive home, I go to the
lounge and throw myself on the couch.
I want to cuddle with Little Star, but she’s
with her grandparents.
I switch on the TV and watch an episode
of Love and Hip Hop.
Derek sits next to me, and pulls me closer
to him.
Once the episode is finished, he plants a
kiss on my forehead.
Derek: Askies.
Me: I feel like a failure. I don’t know what
to do with myself.
I know he wants to laugh, but I appreciate
that he is entertaining my trauma.
Me: I thought they were perfect for each
other.
Just then, my phone rings.
Me: It’s Nomi.
Derek: Don’t answer it.
I ignore the call. A minute later, I get a text
from her.
Nomi: Hey, Zi. Thank you for tonight, I
had a good time. I hate to admit it, but you
were right. I actually like Andile. Call me,
so we can discuss this properly.
Yohh, Maria Josefa!
Derek reads the text.
Derek: Damn.
Me: What am I going to do?
Derek: Yoh. I moan sadly and bury my
face in his chest.
Me: This sucks!
He caresses me till I eventually relax.
Derek: You dozing off?
I nod sleepily.
Derek: No sex?
Me: Uh-uh man, Derek.
Ufuna i-sex umuntu kodwa he can see
that I’m exhausted.
We get up and I go to the bedroom. I don’t
even have the energy to take off my
clothes. I know Derek will do best…
***
It’s been two days since the date from
hell.
I have been avoiding Nomi like a plague.
I’m supposed to meet up with Nolwazi
and Sly to discuss themes.
When I get there, I find them drinking
champagne.
Me: Hey.
They greet back. Sly seems happy for
some reason. I don’t even have the energy
for her.
Nolwazi: Have you spoken to Nomi?
I shake my head.
Nolwazi: I feel so bad!
I sigh heavily.
Sly: Shame, my friend. She’ll be strong.
Me: She told me she likes him.
Sly: She’ll get over it. You two need to tell
her.
Nolwazi: How, friend? You know she
rarely likes men! This will crush her.
Sly: We’ve all been rejected by men. Stop
babying her.
Nolwazi groans.
Nolwazi: I can’t do it. Zi, will you tell her?
Me: I have to finish what I started.
Sly laughs.
Sly: You two are being dramatic. Nomi is a
big girl, she’ll be fine.
I want some wine, but I’ve decided to
detox for a month. I need to be one with
the universe, maybe then I’ll be able to
read some of the social clues I’ve been
oblivious to.
Nolwazi: Alright, so the invitations are
ready. They’re sending them out
tomorrow.
Sly: Cool. Now, let’s discuss the theme.
Yazi, the way I’ve been humbled, I don’t
even have the energy to go head to head
with Sly.
It’s safe to say that she won this round.
Nolwazi went with her theme. They’re
going for rose gold. I personally think the
colour is too common, but ke it’s
Nolwazi’s wedding.
I miss my Vuvu.
I need to see her.
As soon as we’re done, I leave. I am
beyond glad that Dean wasn't around.
Gosh, I’ve also been avoiding his ass. I’ve
blocked him everywhere and haven’t
spoken to him since that night, even
though he has tried to come at me
through Derek’s phone.
***
When I get to Nomvuyo’s house, I am
relieved that Zimkitha is not there. I’m not
in the mood to see her naye.
Nomvuyo: Heeh! You still think about me?
I give her the longest hug.
Me: I’ve missed you so much!
I find myself tearing up a bit. I didn’t
realise I missed her this much.
Nomvuyo: How are you?
Me: I’m good, bestie boo!
We go outside.
Nomvuyo: It’s been so long.
Me: How are you?
Nomvuyo: I’m good.
We spend the next hour catching up.
Nomvuyo: Liwa and I are going through a
rough patch.
Me: What? Why?
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: We’re not in a good place…
I stare at her, thinking she’s going to tell
me she’s joking. Have I really been that
out of touch?
Nomvuyo: We’ll be fine.
Me: What’s going on?
I can tell that she doesn’t want to tell me,
but I’m too shocked.
Nomvuyo: We’ll be fine, man. We’ve been
through worse.
I sigh heavily.
I don’t even know what to say.
Me: Why didn’t you call me?
Nomvuyo: You’re a new mother. I can’t be
coming to you with my negativity.
Me: Hai, Vuvu. We’re friends.
Nomvuyo: Exactly. What I’m going
through is not that deep. Liwa and I will
be fine.
Just then, we hear footsteps. It’s Liwa.
He walks to us.
Liwa: Hey, Zi.
Okay.
Me: Hey, Liwa.
He looks at Nomvuyo.
Liwa: I’m going to the office. I need to
meet some investors.
Nomvuyo nods.
Liwa: Bye, Zi.
Me: Bye.
Haibo, guys!
What the hell is going on??
He walks away.
Me: Vuvu!
Nomvuyo chuckles.
Nomvuyo: Yini?
I look at her in shock and she shrugs.
Nomvuyo: Liwa and his mother can go to
hell for all I care…
With that said, she stands and walks
away.
What the fuck?
I sit there, trying to process everything. I
am so confused and shocked. I don’t
understand what’s going on!
Eventually, I make my way inside the
house and find her in the bedroom.
Me: Vuvu?
Nomvuyo: I am tired of this shit.
Me: Of what, Nomvuyo??
She looks at me seriously.
Nomvuyo: I can’t tell you.
She stops folding the laundry and steps
closer to me.
Nomvuyo: God knows, I want to tell you,
but I can’t.
Her eyes water up.
Nomvuyo: I’ll be fine, okay? Don’t stress
too much.
I’m speechless.
She takes a deep breath.
Nomvuyo: Would you like something to
drink?
Me: No.
Nomvuyo: What do you want?
Me: Cuddles.
She is silent for a few seconds, and
eventually giggles.
Nomvuyo: Okay.
We move the laundry and get in bed.
***
That evening, Derek and I decided to
order pizza, because he was tired from
work.
Me: Star.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: I went to see Vuvu.
Derek: How is she? Haven’t seen them in a
while.
Me: They’re not fine.
He looks at me.
Me: Something’s going on between them.
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: There was a lot of tension. Vuvu says
they’re going through a rough patch.
I go on to tell him what happened.
Derek: Damn.
Me: I’m worried.
Derek: I haven’t been keeping in touch
with him. He said he’s working on a big
project, so he’s busy.
I sigh heavily.
Derek: I didn’t know.
Me: This has to stay between us.
Nomvuyo doesn’t want this to be a group
dilemma.
He nods.
Derek: I should check on Liwa.
Me: You should. I’m really worried about
them. I’ve never seen them like that.
We sit in silence for a while.
I’ve been cracking my skull, trying to
figure out what it could be.
Me: Do you think this has to do with
Jennifer, Liwa’s ex-wife?
He shrugs.
Derek: Angazi. It could be.
Me: Yoh…
***
The following day, I decide to meet with
Nomi. I think it’s about time I face the
music. I invited her to our place.
When she arrives, she is in such a good
mood.
Nomi: Girl, you’ve been MIA!
Me: Eish, Little Star has been keeping me
busy.
Nomi: I understand.
Me: Anything to drink?
Nomi: Champagne, boo.
Me: Of course.
She giggles.
I get her champagne and sit next to her.
Nomi: So, can we talk about that awesome
date?
Yoh.
I think the Universe is trying to teach me
a lesson. My life is peaceful when I stay
out of people’s business. The lesson here
is to stop behaving like a bored
housewife, and mind my own damn
business.
Me: Listen, I won’t sugarcoat this.
Nomi: What?
I take a deep breath.
Me: Andile says he’s not ready for a
relationship.
I’m not going to tell her exactly what he
said. I don’t want her to feel like she is the
problem.
Nomi: Really?
I nod.
Me: He still has feelings for his ex.
She nods slowly and takes a sip of her
drink.
Nomi: I see…
Me: He only told me this after the date.
I’m actually pissed.
She sighs.
There’s silence for a long time.
Nomi: At least he told you now, before we
got too involved.
Me: I feel bad.
Nomi: Argh, I’ll be fine… I really liked him
though… How unfortunate.
I sigh sadly.
Nomi: It’s okay. I admire him for being
honest.
Nxx, he was honest, alright.
Nomi: Haike, I guess it’ll just be me and
my champagne!
She takes the bottle and drinks from it.
I feel really bad.
***
That afternoon, I was so sad about Nomi’s
situation, that I couldn’t wait for Derek to
get home. I needed to be in his presence.
Ngapha I’m also stressing about Nomvuyo
and Liwa.
I make my way to the school and go
straight to Derek’s office.
I find him there with Andile.
Derek: Baby.
Me: I need a hug.
Derek: What’s wrong?
I walk to him and he stands. He wraps his
arms around me and I relax in his arms.
Derek: Baby?
I don’t say anything. I feel so bad for
Nomi, because the poor woman was just
fine. I just had to come in and get her
hopes high. Now, she’s disappointed. I
know she’ll be fine, but it’s still sad.
Eventually, Derek and I let go of each
other.
He looks at me worriedly.
Andile clears his throat.
Mxm, I had forgotten about him.
I had a speech ready for him, but now that
he’s here, I don’t even have the energy.
Also, I need to respect his decision. I can’t
be acting childish, even though deep
down, I want to smack him.
Just then, someone knocks on the door.
Derek: Come in.
The door opens, and the receptionist
walks in.
Receptionist: Mr Ngidi, the property
developer is here to see you.
Derek: Oh, okay. I’ll be there shortly.
Receptionist: Okay.
She walks out.
Derek: Baby, I need to give this guy a tour
of the property.
Me: Okay.
Derek: We’ll go home after, okay?
I nod.
He plants a kiss on my forehead and
walks out.
I sit on his chair.
Andile: Hey.
Me: Hello.
I look at him.
Andile: Are we cool?
Me: Why wouldn’t we?
He shrugs.
Me: Nomi is disappointed, but she’ll get
over it.
He nods.
Me: I apologise for putting you in that
position. It will never happen again.
He tries to say something, but stops
himself.
Me: I crossed a line. I’m sorry.
Andile: I’m not mad at you.
Me: Thanks.
He takes his file and laptop.
Andile: I have a meeting to get to… Good
seeing you.
Me: Bye.
He walks out and I groan loudly.
Ngiswabile yazi, and I don’t know how my
ego is going to recover from this,
considering that there’s an animal out
there called Dean, that is out for blood…
Nginyile straight.

INSERT 188 (Short Insert)

A week has passed.
We’ve all been summoned to Liwa,
Nomvuyo and Zimkitha’s house.
I feel very uneasy right now. I’ve been in
contact with Vuvu, but she keeps saying
she needs space, so I haven’t seen her
since she told me that her marriage is a
bit shaky.
Derek and I are in the car, making our
way there.
Derek: Liwa has been ignoring my calls.
I sigh heavily.
Me: I don’t like this.
We drive in silence for the rest of the way.
I’m so not looking forward to seeing Dean.
***
We get to the house, and find Nolwazi,
Nandi and Malusi in the lounge.
Nandi and Malusi are all lovey dovey.
Me: Where’s Vuvu?
Nolwazi: I haven’t seen her. I think she’s
upstairs.
I nod as I make my way up the stairs to
find her.
Dean: Well, lookie look!
I hiss as Dean walks towards me on the
passage.
Dean: Look what the wind blew in!
He has the most mischievous smile.
I don’t need this right now!
Dean: Our very own Love Zinnector…
He starts chuckling and then the
chuckling turns into laughter.
Me: Dean!
He continues laughing.
I stand there and watch as he cracks up.
Dean: You are so stupid. You didn’t even
realise that your experiment was failing! I
sulk.
Me: Your face is stupid.
He continues laughing loudly.
Me: Dean!
His laugh continues for a few more
minutes, till Zimkitha emerges from one
of the rooms and looks at us in confusion
and amusement.
Zimkitha: And then?
Dean: I’m laughing at this fool.
Zimkitha: Don’t call Ziyanda a fool!
Dean: She sure is!
I roll my eyes and walk away angrily.
When I get downstairs, I pour myself
some water and sit next to Derek.
Derek: We could hear Dean from here.
I sulk and he chuckles.
Derek: He’s not about to let go of this.
Me: Mxm.
Nolwazi: Did you find Vuvu?
Me: I didn’t even get the chance to look
for her, because of Dean.
Nolwazi: Askies. You two are very mean
to each other.
Just then, Zimkitha and Dean walk to the
lounge. Zimkitha greets everyone. I can
tell that something is bothering her, but
as usual, she’s making it seem like she’s
happy 24/7.
Dean tries to squeeze himself next to me,
but I push him away. He laughs as he sits
next to Nolwazi and showers her with
kisses.
Nolwazi: Langa, you’re ruining my
makeup.
Dean: It’s fine. I also want to be gold.
Nolwazi giggles.
Nandi and Malusi are also kissing on the
other couch. I look at Derek in disbelief.
Me: Is this an underground orgy?
He chokes and laughs.
Derek: Sies.
I chuckle.
Out of nowhere, someone clears their
throat. We all quieten down and look at
Liwa, who is standing next to Zimkitha.
He looks like a bus has run over him.
Everyone looks at him in shock.
Malusi: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Zimkitha touches Liwa’s arm and looks at
him softly.
Zimkitha: Baby, don’t you want to sit do-
Liwa looks at her blankly and she keeps
quiet.
I stare at both of them, and their
resemblance suddenly makes me sick. I
don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not
fine.
I know that something’s up.
Liwa clears his throat.
Liwa: This is the only time I’m going to
address this…
He looks at everyone and his eyes
eventually land on me. He stares at me,
and I shudder.
He clears his throat again and rubs his
hands.
Liwa: Nomvuyo has filed for divorce.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Our jaws are on the floor. We are silent
for the longest time.
I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like
I’m in the sunken place.
Nolwazi: This is heart-wrenching.
Liwa looks at her. I can’t read his
expression.
I’m not here. I’m thinking about
Nomvuyo. Why didn’t she tell me? When
did she file for divorce? What happened?
All these questions are flooding my mind.
Dean stands and walks out. I think he’s
having a moment. Nolwazi follows him.
Derek: I’ll go check on him as well.
He walks out too.
Zimkitha is staring at me. She is clearly
trying not to cry.
Nandi stands and takes Zimkitha’s hand.
Thereafter, they walk away.
There’s only three people left: Malusi,
Liwa and I.
There’s complete silence.
Malusi: Liwa, talk to me.
Nothing.
Malusi: This shit doesn’t make sense.
Liwa: There’s nothing to say.
Malusi: What the fuck is this about?
Liwa doesn’t say anything.
Yoh, I am so confused and emotional.
I keep thinking about Nomvuyo.
Where is she? How is she?
Malusi: This shit doesn’t make sense.
When did she file?
Liwa: Was told this morning.
Malusi: By her lawyer?
Liwa nods lightly and then looks at me.
I’m trying my best not to burst into tears,
because I don’t want to make this about
me, but damnit, it’s not easy. I’m flooded
by too many emotions.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini.
He smiles faintly.
I look at him, expecting him to tell me that
this is all a joke, but I know that won’t
happen.
Malusi: You’re not going to go through
with this, right?
Liwa shrugs.
Malusi: Did you cheat?
Just then, Derek walks back in and sits
next to me. I relax as soon as I feel his arm
around me. He pulls me closer.
Derek: You okay?
I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to
say.
Nolwazi and Dean walk back. Dean steps
closer to Liwa.
Dean: Can I have a word with you?
Liwa nods lightly and they both walk out.
There’s silence for a while.
Nolwazi: Guys, what’s going on? Is this a
joke?
Malusi: I doubt.
Nolwazi: But, it’s so sudden. Did any of
you have any idea?
She looks at me and Derek.
Derek shakes his head lightly.
Nolwazi: Why would Nomvuyo file for
divorce? This doesn’t make sense. It just
doesn’t make sense.
She huffs in defeat and sits next to Malusi.
Malusi: I had no idea. We haven’t been in
touch lately.
He looks at Derek.
Derek: We also didn’t have much contact.
We’ve been busy.
Nolwazi: We are bad friends!
She starts sobbing.
Nolwazi: I’m gobsmacked. How did this
happen? Are that preoccupied with our
lives?
Malusi places his arm around her and
comforts her.
Nolwazi: Fuck, this is really bad. I had no
idea!
Malusi rubs his eyes and we sit in silence.
Nandi walks back to the lounge and sighs
loudly.
Nandi: Guys, I’m lost and heartbroken.
I’ve never seen Zimkitha like this.
Nolwazi: Where is she?
Nandi: I took her to her bedroom… She
won’t stop crying.
Nolwazi: Shame. They are all so close, I’m
sure this is hard on her.
Derek: I’ll go check on her.
He stands and pulls me up. As I’m about
to protest, he looks at me seriously and I
look at him in defeat. I guess I have no
other choice.
I follow him to Zimkitha’s bedroom.
He opens the door and we walk in.
Zimkitha is sitting on the edge of her bed,
sobbing.
Derek: Zimi.
Zimkitha: Hey, baby.
He sits next to her and wraps his arm
around her. I’m standing by the door. I’m
quite overwhelmed and confused at the
moment.
Derek: What the hell is going on?
She continues sobbing.
I need to check on Nomvuyo.
Zimkitha: Liwa…
Derek: What happened?
She says Liwa’s name again.
I sigh.
Me: Uhm, I need the bathroom…
I quickly walk out and close the door,
before Derek can stop me. I make my way
to Nyami’s bedroom and close the door.
I take out my phone and dial Nomvuyo’s
number, but it takes me straight to
voicemail.
I groan in defeat…
I’m still waiting for someone to say this is
all a prank…
INSERT 189
Nomvuyo has officially disappeared. None
of us are able to reach her. She's MIA.
I've been sad for two days straight now. I
just need answers from her. I need to
know how she's doing.
Zimkitha has been trying to call me, but
I'm really not in the mood for her drama,
so I'm choosing to ignore her.
I decided to go to work, because I need
the distraction. Also, my parents want to
spend some time with Little Star, and I
don't want to be all alone at home. Derek
and I are now on our way to work.
Me: Nolwazi says she's going to pause the
wedding until things are chilled.
Derek: Dean told me.
Me: Of course… What was I thinking?
He laughs lightly.
Me: I'm worried about Vuvu.
Derek: She probably just wants to deal
with this by herself. You know she loves
her personal space.
Me: But, ignoring my calls is not fair. She
should at least tell us that she doesn't feel
like talking to us. Right now, we know
nothing. He sighs.
Derek: We just have to hope that she's
fine wherever she is.
Me: I'm sure Nyami misses her dad.
He keeps quiet and focuses on the road.
I type a message.
Me: I know you can see these missed calls
and messages. I just need to know that
you're okay. I'll respect your space. I just
need to know that you're not dying
wherever you are.
I send it to Nomvuyo, and hope she'll
respond.
Derek: You sure you'll be able to interact
with people today?
Me: Let's just say, if those bitches are not
doing the right shit, kuzonyiwa.
He laughs and I smile faintly.
When we get to school, and Derek parks
the car, my phone rings. It's an unfamiliar
number.
I answer it as we get out of the car.
Me: Hello.
Person: Zi…
Me: Vuvu??
Derek looks at me.
Nomvuyo: Yes.
Me: Vuvu, what the hell is wrong with
you?? Why would you just disappear
without saying anything??
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: I need space.
Me: Last time I checked, we told each
other everything- even if all we want is
space.
She is quiet for a few seconds.
Nomvuyo: I also need you.
My heart sinks.
Me: Ukuphi?
She tells me.
Me: Is Nyami fine?
Nomvuyo: Ya. When it comes down to it,
Nyami loves me more than her dad.
She chuckles quietly.
I sigh heavily.
Me: I'll be there just now.
Nomvuyo: Okay.
Me: Shap. I love you.
Nomvuyo: I love you too.
She pauses.
Me: Don't worry, I won't tell anyone…
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Don't lie. I'm sure you're going
to tell Derek.
Me: Excuse me, don't come for me.
Nomvuyo: Just don't bring that man here.
Me: I won't.
Nomvuyo: I don't trust you when it comes
to Derek.
Me: Bitch, bye.
I hang up.
Derek looks at me expectedly.
Me: That was Vuvu.
Derek: I made that inference.
I take my bag from the boot.
Me: I have to go.
Derek: So, you're leaving me in the dark?
Me: I'm afraid I have to. You're not mad,
are you?
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Derek: I'm glad she reached out to you, I
just don't want you to be sucked in their
mess.
Me: I'll try not to.
Derek: Hmm.
Me: I promise.
Derek: So, she wants to see you?
Me: Yes. You can't tell your people about
this. She doesn't want them to know.
Derek: Okay, Secret Agent Dlamini.
Me: Ha ha, very funny. We share a hug
and he plants a kiss on my cheek.
Derek: Be careful.
Me: Shap.
Just then, Andile walks out.
Andile: Hey… I didn't know you were
coming in today.
Me: Spontaneous.
Andile: I'm heading to Rosebank for a
meeting.
Me: Really? Can you give me a lift? I'm
going there as well.
Andile: Uhm, sure.
Derek: I have work to do. Are you going to
come back this side?
Me: I'll see.
Derek: Alright.
Me: I'll call you.
Derek: Okay.
He glances at Andile.
Derek: Represent us well. Don't
embarrass me.
Andile: This is me we’re talking about…
They both chuckle.
We walk to Andile’s car and get in.
Me: What meeting is this?
He drives off.
Andile: Some conference on
implementing professional development
in schools…
Me: Hmkay. I take out my phone and send
Nomvuyo a message, letting her know
that I'm on my way.
Andile: So, where are you going?
Me: Meeting up with a friend.
Andile: It must be nice…
I look at him.
Me: Excuse me?
Andile: I'm just saying… You get to choose
when you want to go to work, and
whether you want to or not.
Me: What are you insinuating?
Andile: Nothing.
I feel like he's taking a shot at me. What is
he trying to say? That I'm some bored
house-fiance, who is benefiting from
being the boss’ person?
Andile: Ziyanda.
Me: What?
Andile: I didn't mean to offend you.
I keep quiet. I'm not in the mood to talk.
Andile: Are you angry?
Me: Yoh, Andile. I have bigger things to
worry about.
Andile: You are quite sensitive…
I look at him sharply, and he's smiling
lightly.
Me: You want to get a reaction from me?
Andile: Not at all. I'm merely stating an
observation.
Me: How do you expect me to react to you
telling me that I'm basically my fiance’s
sidekick?
Andile: Whoa, how did you get to that
conclusion. That's a bit far-fetched, don't
you think? I roll my eyes and he chuckles.
Me: Uyahleka.
Andile: See what I mean? You go from 0-
100 in a matter of seconds.
Me: Whatever.
He smiles and I chuckle.
Me: I'm stressed, man. I don't need your
negativity.
Andile: What's wrong?
Me: My friends are going through a
divorce. None of us expected it.
Andile: Yoh.
We are quiet for a while.
Andile: Clearly you didn't know what
happened behind closed doors.
Me: Clearly.
Andile: That's why I don't want to get
married.
I look at him.
Me: Why?
Andile: It's not easy to just walk away.
That divorce process can take many
years…
Me: So, wena all you think about when
you're with someone, is how you're going
to walk away from them in the future?
Andile: You're making me seem like a
jerk.
Me: You don't anticipate such when
you're in a serious relationship.
Andile: We all have different views. I
believe that couples should think about
such when they're getting married. You
need to have an exit plan of some sort.
The plan is to ensure that you're okay.
I keep quiet and think about my
relationship with Derek. Do I have an exit
plan? I mean, I'm not planning on leaving
him, but isn't it a smart move to have a
prenup? We all know how messy divorces
can be… I just don't want it to seem like
I'm already anticipating our separation.
At the same time, it would be stupid not
to have a prenup, especially nowadays…
As soon as I feel my anxiety approaching,
I focus on all my senses…
Andile: Zi?
After a few minutes, I feel better.
Nothing triggers my anxiety more than
the future. I hate uncertainty. I need to be
in the know at all times. As soon as I feel
like I have no control over a situation, I
lose it.
I look at Andile, and he is clearly confused
and a tad worried.
Me: I'm fine. You just got me thinking.
Andile: I'm sure you and Ngidi will be
fine. Don't worry about it too much.
Me: It's your fault.
He smiles guiltily.
Andile: I'm sorry.
Me: Let's just drive in silence, okay?
Andile: Cool.
After a while, we finally get to the address
I gave him.
Me: Thanks.
Andile: How are you going to get back?
Me: Uber.
Andile: Are you sure you'll be fine?
Me: Dude, it's not like you're going to
walk out of an important conference to
play chauffeur.
Andile: You'd be surprised.
I chuckle.
Me: Thanks for the lift. See you when I see
you.
Andile: Alright. Bye.
Me: Bye.
I walk out and he drives off once I'm in
the yard.
I look around in confusion.
Whose house is this? I thought Vuvu had
no friends.
Just as I'm about to knock on the door, it
opens.
Me: Vuvu!
I squeeze her tightly.
Nomvuyo: I can't breathe!
I let her go once I'm satisfied.
Me: Friend, you look a hot mess.
Nomvuyo: You don't have to remind me!
We walk in.
Me: Whose house is this??
When we walk to the lounge, my jaw
drops.
Mdu: Ya wena.
Me: What the hell??
Tholi emerges and smiles.
Tholi: Hey, Zi!
She walks to me and we share a hug.
Tholi: How are you?
Me: Uh…
I look around in confusion.
Mdu: Why does everyone trust you with
their shit?
He walks to me and wraps his arm around
my shoulders.
Last time I spoke to him, he was still
pissed that I snitched on him.
Mdu: How are you?
Tholi looks at me worriedly.
Tholi: Do you need something to drink?
You look shaken.
Nomvuyo: Don't worry, she'll be fine.
Nomvuyo takes my hand and leads me to
the kitchen...
INSERT 190
Me: Nomvuyo.
I stare at her.
She looks worn out.
She's obviously not okay.
Nomvuyo: I don't know how I'm going to
make it.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: I don't know what life is like
without Liwa.
Me: Why does it have to be like that?
Nomvuyo: He fucked up.
She stares at me seriously.
Nomvuyo: He really fucked up.
I want to ask her to tell me, but I don't
think I'm ready. I feel like it would be too
heavy a secret to carry.
Nomvuyo: Would you like anything to
drink?
Me: I'm hungry.
Nomvuyo: Tholi has been cooking for
me… She’s an amazing cook.
Me: Why are you here?
Nomvuyo: Mdu has proven to be a good
hide and seek player. No one will even
think I'm here.
I don't even know how to respond to that.
She smiles lightly.
Nomvuyo: Zee, I need space from
everyone. I need to gather my thoughts in
peace.
Just then, Mdu walks out.
I have to applaud myself though. I attract
some really attractive men. I don't know
how, but that's one area I seem to excel in.
Angijoli nabomubiza. I hope this doesn't
make me shallow…
Mdu: Zi.
I look at him.
Mdu: What's wrong?
Me: Really? What's wrong with me? Are
you dumb?
Mdu: What you won't do is disrespect me
in my house.
Me: Screw you and your house. I don't
give a shi-
Mdu: Fuck you.
We continue going back and forth for a
while.
People think Dean and I bump heads?
Mdu drives me insane. Looking back, I
don't know how the hell we dated for that
long. We argued every five minutes. He
talks too much, and uyaphapha… The
same could be said about me...
Nomvuyo: Are you done?
Mdu: She's annoying.
Me: Don't you have babies to feed? Go
away.
Nomvuyo: Mdu, I don't want you to make
my Zizi mad.
Mdu: Mxm.
He gives me the middle finger before
walking away.
I grunt.
Nomvuyo: Was that sexual tension?
Me: Sies.
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Tholi would kill you. She's very
feisty.
Me: I know…
I stare at her softly.
Me: Talk to me.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Let's feed you first.
I nod.
***
I've texted Derek, to let him know that I'm
safe.
We're now in the lounge, eating while
watching TV.
I look at Tholi. It's unquestionable that
she's happy.
Tholi: How is your baby, Zi?
Me: She’s good.
My heart melts as I picture Little Star
smiling.
Me: You want to see her pictures? Tholi
nods excitedly as I take out my phone.
Like I've said before, as soon as I start
talking about my baby, I could go on and
on.
Mdu: Uyazama shame. She's cute nyana.
Me: Don’t fuck with me.
He chuckles.
Tholi: She's adorable!
I glance at Nomvuyo.
Me: Don’t you miss Nkosi?
Her sadness shows even more, and I
immediately regret saying anything.
She stands and walks away.
Mdu: You idiot. She's already dealing with
this divorce shit, and now you bring up
her son? What the fuck is wrong with
you?
Me: I didn't thin-
Mdu: You're stupid.
Me: It was a mistake!
Mdu: Idio- I put down my plate, and zone
out for a few seconds.
Tholi is looking at me in shock.
Mdu is rubbing his cheek.
Me: Insult me one more time.
Tholi: Ziyanda!
Me: Mdu doesn't know when to shut up.
Tholi: Hitting him won't solve anything!
Yazi I'm overwhelmed right now. I look at
Mdu and he chuckles knowingly. He
knows I snapped.
Mdu: I'm going to arrest you, you abusive
fuck.
I chuckle as I make my way to the stairs.
Mdu and I had a very toxic and complex
relationship. I'm glad that Tholi has
changed him, because I doubt she'd
handle all the nonsense I had to deal
with… The same could be said about me
and Derek. Star is good for me.
I find Nomvuyo in one of the rooms there.
Me: Bestie boo.
I close the door and sit next to her on the
bed
Me: Wanna cuddle?
She smiles.
We get in the bed.
We've been silent for a very long time.
Nomvuyo: Remember the first time we
spent time together, you almost fainted,
because you thought you were pregnant?
I laugh.
Me: Those were some dark days.
Nomvuyo: Look at you now…
Me: I've come a long way…
I glance at her.
Me: And, so have you and Liwa…
Nomvuyo: I want nothing to do with him.
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: His moral compass seems to
have stopped functioning.
Me: Did he cheat? She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Did you know that he used to
date Sly?
Me: So I've been told…
We are silent for a while.
I'm trying to process what she said.
Me: He cheated with Sly?
I stare at her in shock.
Me: That slut!
I sit up.
Me: She tried it with Derek! She really
tried it!
Nomvuyo chuckles.
Nomvuyo: Liwa would never cheat on me.
We worship each other.
I look at her in confusion.
Kanti uthini uNomvuyo?
Nomvuyo: He has been meeting up with
her though…
Me: Why??
She shrugs.
Nomvuyo: I told him a long time ago to
cut ties with her. He promised that he
would never speak to her again…
Me: Yoh.
I lie on my back again.
Me: You can't be divorcing Liwa because
of unconfirmed cheating.
Nomvuyo: He’s a liar.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: Zimkitha is the cause of all this
shit.
I groan.
Nomvuyo: Those two are tiring. I've had
to deal with their nonsense for a long
time, but this… I will not stand for it.
Me: You're speaking in riddles, Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Am I?
I stare at her.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Those two are extremely
close…
I frown and she chuckles.
Nomvuyo: Not in that way, silly.
Me: I find their relationship strange.
Nomvuyo: They love each other deeply.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: Their love is too deep. No one
can ever come between them…
Me: Even you?
She laughs quietly.
Nomvuyo: Liwa would choose Zimkitha
over anyone… I personally don't have a
problem with that. I grew up with them. I
also love Zimi deeply… but I don't dismiss
the shit she does.
My heart is beating so fast at this point.
Nomvuyo: Zimi was married to a man
named Luvuyo… We all grew up thinking
he was Liwa and Princess’ father. You
know mos, that Zodwa, my mom, used to
work as their cleaner?
I nod.
Nomvuyo: We have a very complicated
history. We've been through a lot, that's
why this is difficult. She sighs.
Nomvuyo: We found out that Zodwa
wasn't my mother. Her sister, Zuki, is my
biological mother…
I listen attentively and try not to get
confused.
Nomvuyo: My family used to live with the
Mzinyathis, way before I was born. It was
Evelyn (my grandmother), Zodwa and
Zuki. Before I was born, Zodwa, Zuki and
Zimkitha used to be the best of friends.
They had a sisterhood…
She continues.
Nomvuyo: Zuki fell in love with Luvuyo…
I listen.
Nomvuyo: She fell pregnant… My
grandmother and Zimkitha’s parents
found out. There was drama. Zimkitha’s
parents had arranged a marriage for her.
She was supposed to marry Luvuyo, for
business purposes.
Me: Yoh.
Nomvuyo: She was pregnant and she
loved the man that Zimkitha was
supposed to marry. It was a mess.
Me: I can imagine.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, they kicked Zuki out…
Zuki resented Zimkitha…
She continues.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, fast forward to Liwa
and Princess’ birth… Life was normal… I
was now living with Zodwa, in the same
cottage she lived in with her mother and
sister.
I nod.
Nomvuyo: When Zodwa passed away, the
truth came out…
She continues.
Nomvuyo: Zodwa was not my mother,
Zuki was… I was not fatherless… Luvuyo
was my father…
I am shook.
Nomvuyo: Luvuyo was not Liwa and
Princess’ father. He was my father, and he
knew all along. They all knew.
Me: Even Liwa?
She nods.
She stares at me.
Nomvuyo: Liwa knows everything about
Zimkitha. They trust each other.
Me: So, who is Liwa and Princess’ father?
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Zimkitha was raped when she
was in university. Her parents hid it from
everyone, they were ashamed.
Me: Liwa knew all of this? He wasn't mad
at Zimkitha?
Nomvuyo: He was, but he eventually
forgave her. I can never state enough that
their love for each other is deep. It's a
blessing and a curse.
I sigh heavily.
We sit in silence for a while.
Me: So, Liwa doesn't know his father? Is
he okay with being a result of rape?
Nomvuyo: I recently found out more
information… There’s another layer to
this already complicated situation.
We are silent for a long time.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, I just wanted to show
you how close they are… Nothing can
separate them, no matter how damaging
it is…
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: I don't have to explain why I'm
divorcing Liwa, Ziyanda. You know.
She stares at me.
My heart is beating so fast.
Nomvuyo: I can tolerate a lot of things,
but not this… I don't want to look at her.
Nomvuyo: How have you managed to
keep this secret? How do you live with
yourself?
I look at her and find her staring at me.
I want to die.

INSERT 191
Derek: How did it go, baby?
I look at him.
Me: Fine.
He looks at me intently.
Derek: Are you okay?
I nod.
Me: I want to go home
He is silent for a few seconds. Thereafter,
he clears his throat.
Derek: Do I need to call Nomvuyo? I'm not
about to have her involving you in her
shit.
I shrug.
Me: I want to go home.
Derek: I have an important meeting in 15
minutes.
Me: Okay.
I take my bag and stand.
Derek: Baby.
Me: I'll take an Uber. He looks at me
worriedly.
Me: I'll be fine. I want personal space.
He nods slowly.
Me: Bye.
I walk out…
Where do I want to go?
I need someone to talk to.
I request and Uber, and put my parents’
address.
***
As soon as I get in the house, I go straight
to my mother and start crying.
Mom: Haibo, and then??
I let it all out.
She lets me be for a while, until I feel
better.
I look at her and sigh.
Mom: Zizi, yini?
Me: This is bad, ma… This is really bad…
She looks at me in shock and confusion.
Mom: What's going on?
We go to my bedroom and sit on the bed.
Me: I don't know how we're going to
move past this.
She keeps quiet and I try to gather my
thoughts.
I keep thinking about Nomvuyo shouting
at me, continuously asking me how I live
with myself…
Mom: Ziyanda. I glance at her.
Just then, Baby Nkanyi starts crying. She's
all alone in the lounge. I quickly walk
there and take her.
She cries for a few minutes, clearly shook
that we left her all alone. I comfort her
until she feels better. I give her a kiss and
walk back to my bedroom.
My mom is still sitting on the bed, looking
confused.
Mom: What is going on?
Me: I can't even bring myself to say this.
Mom: Yini?
I sit and look at her.
Me: You're the only person who'll help
me.
She nods slowly.
Me: Mama, I have been withholding very
crucial and damaging information.
Now she is really losing it. Her eyes are
wide open.
Mom: Ziyanda! Are you involved in
criminal activities?
Me: No, mama.
She sighs in relief.
Mom: Manje kwenzakalani?
I take a deep breath.
Me: When Derek and I were in the early
stages of our relationship, we went to
Nolwazi’s parents’ house, I think, for
lunch…
She nods slowly. Me: I was in the
bathroom when I overheard someone
talking on the phone. She kept saying that
the person she was talking to should back
off, because he might ruin people's lives.
She kept saying he mustn't reveal
anything, because he might damage the
family she has built.
Mom: Who was the woman?
Me: Take a wild guess…
She shrugs.
Me: It was Zimkitha. I had never met her
before.
Mom: Haibo, who was she talking to??
Me: I think the person's name was Zweli.
She processes what I said.
Mom: So, what's the significance of that
incident?
Me: You know I've always been on the
fence about Zimkitha. She confuses me.
Mom: And, she loves these boys.
I nod.
Me: A couple of months later, she invited
me over to her place.
My mom nods.
Me: I wasn't in the mood to meet up with
her… But, I did go…
I sigh.
Me: She wanted to get to know me.
Mom: Okay.
Me: She went on to mention how much
she loves the boys, and that they're her
sons… I freaked out…
Mom: Understandable.
Me: Then, she went on to explain that she
has been their lives forever, and she has
accepted that they are her babies.
My mom nods.
Me: After my miscarriage, she came to
visit me here at home.
I sigh.
Me: She was checking in… She told me
about her miscarriages and how she got
through them.
Mom: Okay.
Me: She comforted me, and made me
realise that it was possible for me to
accept Derek’s son, Lelo.
She nods.
Me: Then, I asked her about her love life. I
asked her if she has ever been in love…
She basically gave me a summary of her
life… The woman has been through a lot.
Mom: Hmm.
Me: Then she mentioned some man
named Bheki. I think she said she loved
him, but couldn't be with him…
Mom: Why?
Me: She didn't go into detail.
She nods.
Me: Fast forward to a few months later, I
think, Zimkitha was hospitalised. She then
requested to see me. She asked me not to
tell anyone about our meeting.
Mom: Why is this woman so shady?
I chuckle.
Mom: What was the meeting about?
I swallow hard and look at Little Star.
Me: Everything.
Mom: Everything?
Me: Everything.
We are silent for a long time.
I breastfeed Star and focus on her for the
next 10 minutes. Once she is asleep, I
place her carefully on the bed.
Me: Nomvuyo is getting a divorce.
Mom: What??
Me: Nomvuyo has been MIA. She reached
out to me and asked to see me.
Mom: How is she?
Me: She's not fine.
She sighs.
Me: She found out about everything…
She stares at me.
Me: I thought I'd force myself to not think
about this, but the truth is going to come
out soon…
I look at her.
Me: Zimkitha is their real mother…
Zimktha is Derek’s mother, Dean’s mother
and Liwa and Princess’ mother…
My mom doesn't respond.
Me: All his life, Derek grew thinking he
was not worthy of love, simply because
his biological parents didn't love him
enough to keep him…
I look at her, and I get emotional all over
again.
Me: Do you understand how messed up
this is?? Derek is going to hate me!
I start crying once again.
Me: I knew about this, and didn't tell him.
He's going to hate me! Apparently there
are more layers to this!
Mom: Zi…
She takes my hand and I continue crying.
Mom: I'm not going to allow anyone to
blame you for this. This is bigger than
you. Zimkitha is the cause of all of this.
I don't say anything.
Mom: Calm down. The mere thought of
Derek finding out is enough to kill me.
I don't know how we're going to move
past this.
Mom: Let me call Zimkitha… How dare
she involve you in her mess? I'll deal with
her. Sies!
With that said, she stands and walks out
the room.

INSERT 192
Listen, when I say I've been crying for an
hour straight, I'm not lying.
I keep thinking about Derek.
I've kept this to myself for one valid
reason.
This is not my secret to tell.
Till this day, I refuse to be the one to bring
this to light. This would make this easier
for Zimkitha. I want Zimkitha to take
responsibility for her actions. She is the
one who's supposed to tell everyone, not
me.
Derek has always been open about not
wanting to know his real parents. He has
made it clear that he wants nothing to do
with them. What was I supposed to do?
This was, and still is, not my secret to tell.
Just then, my phone rings and it's Derek.
I ignore the call.
I know he'll know that I'm crying, and
he'll freak out.
Seconds later, I get a text message from
him.
Derek: Baby, I know you need your space,
and I'm going to respect that. I just need
to know where you are. I sigh heavily as I
type.
Me: I'm with my mom. I'm safe. Can I
sleepover here? Please. Seconds later, my
phone vibrates.
Derek: I don't think I'm comfortable with
that.
I groan as I feel my tears approaching.
I know why he's uncomfortable. We
spoke about boundaries. He mentioned
that he doesn't want me to run away to
my parents’ house whenever I need
space…
My phone vibrates.
Derek: I miss my daughter. I'm going to
come fetch her in an hour or so… You can
stay there if that's what you really want.
He's angry.
I type a very long and detailed message…
Just as I'm about to send it, my instincts
kick in and I quickly delete it.
Me: Okay.
I put down my phone and it vibrates
again.
Derek: There’s no use trying to convince
you otherwise… I'll come get my child. I'm
tired of repeating myself regarding your
need to involve yourself in other people’s
business.
I decide not to respond.
Derek doesn't get it
No one gets it.
I didn't have a choice.
I didn't ask for any of this.
My heart beats fast as I think of Zimkitha.
I don't think I've ever hated anyone the
way I hate her right now.
If I lose Derek over this…
My heart sinks.
My mom walks in and sits on the bed.
Mom: You need to eat something.
At this point, I'm physically sick. I can't
get up.
Mom: Zizi.
I feel crippled. I can't move.
I've been like this before, but this time
around, I don't think I'll recover.
I can't lose Derek.
I can't.
I hate Zimkitha. I hate Liwa as well.
Nomvuyo has every right to divorce him.
He knew about this shit, and decided to
side with his mother? He grew up with
these people. He saw how damaged Derek
was because of his absent parents. Liwa
grew up with his mother. He knows what
it's like to be loved by someone who gave
birth to you. He was aware that Dean’s life
was lie as well, and didn't feel the need to
say anything? These people are his
brothers!
I feel the need to vomit, and I do so.
My mom pulls me up and leads me to the
bathroom, to vomit even more.
I cry even more at the thought of Derek
suffering all his life, not knowing that his
real mother was a phone call away. His
mother was right next to him, hosting
lavish dinners every week, and
comforting him whenever he was lonely.
I don't know how I'm going to recover
from this.
I don't know how Derek and Dean are
going to recover from this.
Dean? How is he going react when he
finds out that he's been living a lie?
Lindelwa is not his mother. God, no.
I feel my mom’s hands on my face.
Mom: Ziyanda, you are stronger than this.
Stop.
She looks at me intently, clearly trying to
keep her emotions intact.
Mom: I can't afford to lose you over this.
You're going to kill me.
I stare at her for a while. I need to get it
together.
My child needs me. I can't let this kill me,
even though it really has the potential to.
I take a deep breath, and my mom helps
me get up.
Mom: I'm going to run a bath for you.
I nod lightly as I take off my clothes and
wash my face.
Derek can’t find me like this.
***
After taking a very long bath, I get dressed
in my pyjamas and put on a charcoal
mask.
If Derek gets here, he can't see me like
this. This mask will help conceal the
horror that is my face.
When I hear his voice, my whole body
tenses up.
I say a prayer and make my way to the
lounge.
I'm glad that my dad is not around,
because this would have been handled
differently.
Derek is laughing with my mom.
I clear my throat and he immediately
looks up.
Me: Hey.
I try by all means not to behave
suspiciously.
Derek: Hello.
I sit in the opposite sofa.
Mom: Yazi I can never get over this mask
of yours. You look like a witch!
She laughs and Derek joins her.
Derek: It's ridiculous.
I smile.
Me: Came to fetch Star? He nods tightly. I
know he's still angry about our
interaction earlier, but he doesn't want
my mom to see that.
Mom: I'm sorry for taking Zizi today. I
miss her, and she obviously needs some
of my love.
Derek: Hmm…
Me: Uhm, I'll get Star.
I hope he stays on that sofa.
Derek: I'll come with.
Yoh.
He follows me to my bedroom.
Little Star is already up and kicking.
She hates being left alone. I'm sure she
heard her father's voice.
I take her and plant a kiss.
She immediately starts crying.
Derek takes her from me. She stops
crying.
I'm offended.
Then, I remember that my entire face is
black. That's what freaked her out.
Derek: So, you asked your mom to lie for
you?
I try to say something, but decide to keep
quiet.
Derek: Like I said, there's no use having a
back and forth with you once you've
made up your mind.
I don't want to fight with him, but right
now, I don't have the energy to beg him to
understand.
I want him to leave, because I'm five
minutes to breaking down again.
Derek: I'll see you when you decide to
come back…
With that said, he walks out.
Mom: Are you leaving already? I was
about to dish up for you.
Derek: I don't want to drive late. I should
get going.
Mom: Oh.
Derek: It was good seeing you.
My mom and I watch as he walks out.
We stand in silence for a while.
Mom: Shit.
I groan.
Mom: Derek is not going to take this
well…
We go to the lounge and sit.
Mom: I don't know how this will be
solved…
We sit in silence, and I eventually start
crying again.
I curse the day I met Zimkitha.
I hate that woman with every bone in my
body.

INSERT 193
The level of tossing and turning that is
happening tonight is driving me insane.
As soon as I think of Derek's possible
reaction to this mess, I spazz out.
My mom walks in.
Mom: I think you should take your
sleeping pills.
I nod and she goes to my medication
drawer and takes them out.
Mom: I've been praying like crazy. I'm
going crazy. I sigh.
Mom: That Zimkitha will get what's
coming to her. I'm disgusted!
She gives me one pill.
Mom: I've never been this stressed. I'm
glad your father is not here.
I look at her.
I have a horrible headache, and my body
is not cooperating.
Derek is probably thinking about me,
convinced that I'm a selfish person. I
know he's angry.
Mom: What are we going to do?
Me: I can't tell him.
Mom: You won't. Zimkitha will. She will
take responsibility for her nonsense.
I sigh heavily.
Mom: Get some rest.
Me: When is Lwazi coming back from
camp?
Mom: Ksasa.
Me: I miss her.
She smiles.
Mom: We could use her positive aura
right now.
After chatting for a while, I manage to
doze off into a very deep and
uncomfortable sleep.
***
I'm awakened by someone showering me
with kisses.
Lwazi: Wakey wakey!
I groan.
Lwazi: Mommy! I open my eyes and find
her staring at me with the biggest smile
on her face.
Lwazi: Are you back for good?!
Me: Maybe.
Lwazi: Really?? What happened to Uncle
D??
I sit up and rub my eyes.
Me: I'm just joking.
Lwazi: Oh! You guys are goals! I was
worried!
I look at her weirdly.
Me: Just stop.
She giggles.
She's growing up too fast.
Lwazi: Why are your eyes so red? Were
you crying?
I sigh.
I had forgotten about my life. Now, reality
is sinking in.
Lwazi: Mommy, what's wrong?
Me: Nothing. I'm just sick.
Lwazi: You look really bad.
She walks out and disappears.
A few minutes, she's back, and she's
calling someone. Lwazi is really growing
up…
Lwazi: Hey, Uncle D.
My eyes shoot up.
What is she doing??
Lwazi: Mama told me that you were here
yesterday. Why didn't you stay with
mommy, so you could see me? I look at
her in shock.
Lwazi: Okay, I forgive you. Are you going
to come check on mommy today? She
looks really bad.
Shit, I want to jump on her.
Lwazi: Her eyes are very swollen, her
voice is gone, and her face is all puffy. She
also looks like she won't be able to get out
of bed.
I want to die.
Lwazi has no filter.
Lwazi: Okay.
She walks closer to me and hands me her
phone.
Lwazi: Daddy D wants to talk to you.
I take a deep breath as I put the phone on
my ear.
Me: Hello.
Derek: What the fuck is going on?
He sounds angry.
Me: Nothing.
Derek: Ziyanda, why do you like stressing
me? Do you understand how invested I
am in you? How am I supposed to react to
such stunts?
My heart breaks a little.
Me: I'm not trying to stress you.
Derek: What's wrong with you?
I keep quiet.
Derek: I'm not going to run after you. Only
you know what the fuck is going on. You'll
come back when you're ready.
Why is he being so cold?
Derek: Just remember that you have a
daughter now, so all your childish stunts
are a waste of time.
With that said, he ends the call.
I sit there, gobsmacked.
Derek's words always get to me. He goes
from 0-100.
How did we get here? Now he's saying all
these cruel things about me.
What is he going to say when he finds out
why I'm behaving like this?
My anxiety immediately kicks off.
I feel like I'm invading my body, but I'm
also trapped in it, and I can't escape.
Lwazi: Mommy?
I want to rip my body apart and escape.
Just then, I feel my mother holding me.
Mom: Ziyanda, I'm taking you to Dr.
Melinda. This is getting out of hand!
Me: No. I'll be fine.
She looks at me worriedly.
I try by all means to get it together, but I
know there's no avoiding it.
This has got to be one of my fiercest
episodes.
I can't shake it off, or take a few deep
breaths. I know it's going to last longer.
I ask my mom to leave and then sink
deeper into my bed and cover myself.
Hopefully, I'll wake up feeling better.
***
A few hours later, I'm still in a bad space,
but at least I'm able to get out of bed. I
don't want to talk to anyone.
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to
wash my face and brush my teeth. When I
go to the lounge, I find Nomvuyo there.
She looks as miserable as the last time I
saw her.
She stares at me.
The last time I saw her, she was shouting
at me. My guilt was definitely triggered by
her.
Nomvuyo: You weren't answering my
calls.
My mom walks in and sits next to Vuvu.
Mom: Sit, Ziyanda.
I sit.
Nomvuyo: Things went out of hand.
I don't say anything.
Mom: This is a very complicated situation.
Nomvuyo sighs heavily.
Mom: So, you're really divorcing Liwa?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: How can he live with himself
knowing that his so called best friends are
actually his brothers? While he was living
a great life, filled with love, his brothers
were out there trying to figure out their
identities, with very little success. He
helped Zimkitha keep this secret. How am
I supposed to sleep comfortably next to a
man who doesn't see anything wrong
with that?
I always get shocked when I see Nomvuyo
emotional.
Nomvuyo: I love Liwa. We've been
through a lot together, but this? This is
heart-wrenching. As someone who grew
up thinking her life was a certain way and
actually finding out that my whole life
was a lie, I know how damaging this is.
One doesn't recover from such.
She swallows hard and takes a deep
breath.
Nomvuyo: Liwa knew that Luvuyo was
my father. He knew, but did he tell me?
No. I forgave him and told myself I'd look
past it because we were young… But, this?
How are you okay with keeping up such a
lie?
She looks at my mother.
Nomvuyo: I have to sleep next to him, and
dismiss all of this? Really?
We are silent for a while.
Nomvuyo: I hate both of them. I can't
believe he went along with this. I thought
he was an honourable man. Do you
understand how hurtful this is? They both
laughed and smiled with Dean and Derek,
knowing very well that they are
biologically related. I am so sick.
Mom: Yehlisa umoya sthandwa sami.
Nomvuyo shakes her head furiously and
wipes her tears.
Nomvuyo: Derek would come to us,
crying his lungs out, feeling like he
doesn't belong anywhere. He didn't
believe in himself. He couldn't live
himself, because he felt like his parents
hated him. He would come to us… Do you
understand what I'm saying?
She looks at my mother pleadingly.
Nomvuyo: Derek would come to us…
She looks at me.
Nomvuyo: Kanti all along the people who
comforted him knew the truth…
She sits back and sobs quietly.
My mom wraps her arm around her and
comforts her.
After a long time, she calms down and
then looks at me.
Nomvuyo: I'm sorry for blaming you.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Zimkitha’s obviously
manipulative. She had her reasons for
confiding in you.
She stands and then sits next to me.
Nomvuyo: We have to fix this, Ziyanda. I
can't live with this secret. I will never be
able to look at Dean and Derek, and
pretend like I don't know anything.
She stares at me.
Nomvuyo: At this point, I don't care about
Liwa. I'm so angry at him. I can't believe
he's part of this mess. Maybe it will take
losing me to realise that Zimkitha is not
the be all and end all. In fact, she’s a toxic
and selfish woman. And the fact that Liwa
is still there, licking her ass, says a lot
about the type of person he is.
I rub my eyes.
My mom walks out, looking defeated.
I stand and make my way to my bedroom.
I get in bed.
A few minutes later, Nomvuyo is next to
me.
I just need to sleep the stress off.
I know there's nothing I can do about this
episode right now. I'm already drowning.

INSERT 194
The following day, I wake up at around
10am.
I find Nomvuyo getting dressed.
Nomvuyo: Morning.
Me: Hi.
Nomvuyo: Will you be able to get up
today?
I don't say anything.
She sits next to me and looks at me softly.
Nomvuyo: Believe me when I say I know
what you're going through. Depression is
always ready to suck all the positivity and
your will to live. I can't even tell you to get
over it, because that's impossible.
I sigh heavily.
Nomvuyo: Think about Liyakha. She
needs you.
Me: I feel guilty.
Nomvuyo: Stop fussing about the past. We
have to find a way forward, instead of
sitting here.
Me: Are you really willing to divorce
Liwa?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: We are bystanders in this
situation. Liwa’s position is different.
Me: I'm going to see Melinda today. I need
to clear my mind.
Nomvuyo: Okay.
Me: Hopefully, she doesn't admit me,
because I've never felt this low.
Nomvuyo: The fact that you can identify
that you need help, is a good thing. Do
what you have to…
She stands and finishes up.
Me: Where are you going?
Nomvuyo: I'm tired of looking ugly. I'm
going shopping.
Me: Wow.
Nomvuyo: I may as well blow up the
Mzinyathis money while I still have a
chance.
I get out of bed and make my way to the
bathroom.
***
In all my years of being around Melinda, it
is safe to say that I've never seen her this
shook.
I told her everything.
Melinda: Why would Zimkitha tell you
this?
Me: She thought she was dying.
Melinda: So?
I shrug.
Melinda: This is concerning. When is she
planning on telling them?
Me: I don't know.
I sigh.
Me: I feel guilty. When she told me this, I
immediately shut it out.
Melinda: Throughout the years, we've
established that that is your coping
mechanism.
Me: I think I'm in a depression fog right
now. I'm going through life at a very slow
pace, I'm not responding as desired, and
as a result, the people around me are
getting frustrated.
Melinda: Depressed individuals will attest
to going through a brain fog of some sort
whenever they're having episodes. That it
is like driving through fog so thick it feels
like you are alone in the world. In a way,
all sound and color are jumbled up and
your reflexes are slow due to the limited
visibility. Your emotions and thoughts are
going through this fog.
Me: I'm struggling to process what is
happening, I really am. I don't now, I feel
like my emotions are not functioning
properly, and I'm disconnected. I'm really
not doing it on purpose.
Melinda: Unfortunately, it is not easy
explaining this to someone who has not
gone through it, or people who are not
educated on it. From the outside looking
in, it seems like you're doing this
intentionally.
I keep quiet.
Melinda: Like we've discussed before,
coming out of the fog tends to feel like
blunt force trauma. You have to deal with
all the consequences at once. You have no
choice but to try and let people around
you know when that you are struggling.
This fog experience will never be avoided,
unfortunately. However, you can always
find positive ways to deal with it.
Me: Derek is going to hate me. I don't
think he'll understand why I didn't tell
him.
Melinda: You can't feel guilty for a sin you
didn't commit.
I look at her. I feel like she doesn't
understand. She's frustrating me.
Melinda: You can't take someone else's
load and make it yours. It is not your
responsibility to fix someone else's
mistakes. You have your reasons for your
actions, and your reasons are valid.
I rub my eyes.
Melinda: Ziyanda, at the end of the day,
you have Depression. Whether you like it
or not, your thought and emotions
function differently. You experience
things differently.
Me: I feel guilty. I hear you, but I don't
want Derek to feel like I'm justifying my
actions.
Melinda: Sweety, your actions are
absolutely justifiable.
She gives me her usual, “I'm always right,”
smile.
Melinda: This is not your mess, it really
isn't. As humans, well most of us, our first
instinct is usually to help out and solve.
Empathy drives our actions. However,
this particular battle is not yours to fight.
Me: Realistically, you know that's bullshit,
right? I should have done something
when I found out.
Melinda: You will never get over the
anxiety if you keep thinking like that. Stop
thinking about what could have been, and
what will be. That is out of your control.
Start thinking about what you can do
now. Fussing over the past and future will
not help you in any way.
I sigh heavily.
I know she's right, that's why I'm annoyed
at her.
She looks at me softly.
Melinda: What do you want to do?
Me: I want to speak to Liwa.
Melinda: Why?
Me: I want to hear his side of the story.
Melinda: So you can solve the problem
yourself?
Me: Eish, Melinda.
She sighs lightly.
Melinda: As soon as you try to find all
these sides and call meetings, you are
setting yourself up for possible failure.
You are now removing yourself as some
form of bystander, to the center of the
problem.
I grunt.
Melinda: Your actions now should not
revolve around you taking responsibility
for someone else's actions.
Me: I can't sit and cry all day.
Melinda: Let the relevant parties handle
this. You didn't force Zimkitha to tell you
this secret.
Me: I didn't stop her either.
Melinda: It's not like you were
anticipating what she was going to say.
I keep quiet.
Melinda: I cannot emphasize this enough-
you are not the cause of any of this. You
weren't even around when all of this took
place. You should not feel guilty. Yes, the
secret is weighing heavily on you, but you
did what was good for you at the time,
shutting it out. The only thing you can be
responsible for is how you handled it. Yes,
Derek might not be happy with that, but
you can't beat yourself up for that. You
strongly feel like this is not your secret to
tell, and I happen to agree with you. This
is an internal family issue that started
way before you were in the picture. Own
your part in all of this, and don't feel the
need to take it on as if you are the cause.
I nod.
She is getting through to me.
Melinda: You also can't assume that Derek
will be angry with you. Yes, there's a
possibility, but you can't be certain. I
think he's a reasonable man. He might be
angry at first, understandably, however,
he might recover. All of this is
unconfirmed, therefore there's no use
dwelling on the future. There are too
many possible outcomes.
Me: I hear you.
Melinda: It was unfair for Zimkitha to put
you in such a position. I wonder why she
did that.
Me: She thought she was dying.
Melinda: She knows that you handle
things differently, so I am struggling to
understand the reasoning behind her
actions.
Me: I hate her.
She nods slowly and listens as I vent
about my hatred for Zimkitha.
Melinda: My experience in this job has
really taught me not to judge people… I
always try to unpack people's actions, and
I'm always amazed by the results. I've
dealt with some people whom society
considers “outcasts” and their version of
events always blow my mind. You think
you've figured something out, then
something else comes up. It's a
complicated web…
Me: Mxm.
She smiles lightly.
Melinda: I'm certain that Zimkitha has her
reasons… It's unfortunate that her actions
will have damaging consequences
(possibly).
Me: In a perfect world, when everyone
finds out, they are all happy and they
unite as one big happy family.
She chuckles.
Me: But, I know these people. Shit is going
to get real.
She sighs.
Me: Even my mom knew about this… She
actually suspected a long time ago, but
dismissed it. I think I was in denial.
Melinda: That's normal.
Me: I didn't tell you about Derek… His
words really hit me.
I tell him about Derek stating that I'm
pulling one of my “childish stunts.”
Melinda: Don’t take it personally. Just like
you, when he is emotional, his tongue is
quick.
Me: True.
We continue chatting for a while…
***
When I get back home, I am shocked to
find Liwa in the lounge.
Liwa: Ziyanda.
I just came back from Melinda.
I'm fine.
Well, I think I am.
Me: Hello.
He looks just like Nomvuyo, fucked all the
way up.
I put down my bag and sit opposite him.
Liwa: I need Nomvuyo. Please tell me
where she is.
Me: I don't know where she is. He
swallows hard and rubs his chin.
Liwa: How are you?
Me: How do you think I am?
I want to jump on him and throw fists.
We are silent for a very long time.
Me: So, you're willing to lose Nomvuyo
over this?
He looks at me, clearly defeated. For a
second, I feel sorry for him, but I don't
have it in me to feel anything at this point.
Being numb is the only way I will survive.
Liwa: Just tell her I need her.
Me: I don't know where she is.
Liwa: You expect me to believe that?
I keep quiet.
My mom walks in and looks at Liwa.
Me: Wena, call that sneaky mother of
yours, and tell her we don't have time for
hide and seek. The last thing she needs is
me taking a taxi to go fetch her in that
mansion of hers… Now, go dish up for
yourself.
She then looks at me.
Mom: Are you back?
I nod.
She walks out and Liwa stands and goes
to the kitchen.

INSERT 195
I watch as Liwa eats my mom's food like a
vulture. He obviously hasn't been eating.
After 10 minutes, he is done.
Me: Where is Zimkitha? He shrugs.
Liwa: I don't know.
Me: You expect me to believe that?
Liwa: I really don't know where she is.
We stare at each other for a while.
My mom walks back and sits next to me.
Mom: Uphi umamakho, Liwa?
Liwa: Angazi, ma.
My mom stares at him.
Mom: Are you still hungry?
He nods lightly.
Mom: Go dish up.
He stands like a little boy and goes to the
kitchen.
My mom and I look at each other.
Mom: He looks like he's about to die.
I'm not even about to come for her,
because I'm used to her. She doesn't
attack immediately.
A few minutes later, Liwa comes back and
finishes his food in five minutes.
Liwa: Thank you.
Mom: Are you ready to talk?
He takes a deep breath and looks at my
mom.
Liwa: I don't know where my mother is.
Mom: That's like Ziyanda saying she
doesn't know where Nomvuyo is.
He keeps quiet.
Liwa: I need to talk to Vuvu.
Mom: Why now? You were obviously
comfortable with letting her walk away.
He rubs his eyes.
Liwa: Ziyanda, I'd like to talk to Vuvu first.
Mom: Hai phela you need to remember
where you are. You can't make demands.
He looks down ashamedly.
Liwa: I fucke-
He stops himself.
Liwa: I messed up. I really messed up.
We look at him as he battles to speak.
Liwa: I want to talk to Nomvuyo first. I
need her.
He groans.
Mom: Why would you drag this out for so
long, Liwa?
He doesn't speak.
Mom: Actually, I don't even want to
address you first. I want to speak to
Zimkitha, because she is responsible for
this mess.
He looks like he's about to break down.
Mom: She’s the adult here.
She stands up.
Mom: You're not leaving this house until
you tell your mother to come here.
She walk out.
He then stares at me.
Liwa: Are you mad at me?
He smiles faintly and I look at him
blankly. He really has time for jokes right
now? He takes out his phone and focuses
on it. I'm sure he's texting his mother,
telling her to hide, where she is.
I allow myself to think about Derek.
I miss him. I miss my daughter.
I hear footsteps.
Nomvuyo emerges, and as depressed as I
am, I have to stop myself from squealing.
She stands there, looking like a
transformed woman. Did she go to a spa
without me? She looks refreshed- back to
the Nomvuyo we all know and secretly
hate.
She assesses the scene.
Liwa is frozen, I think.
Nomvuyo: I brought you a burger, Zi.
I nod.
I want to sleep.
Sleep is the only logical thing to do right
now.
Liwa: Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Yes, Liwa.
He stands and steps closer to her. They
stare at each other for the longest time.
Liwa: Can we talk?
Nomvuyo: I'm listening.
Liwa: Uhm, priva-
She shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: Everything is out in the open
now. Why are you still trying to talk
behind closed doors?
He looks at her pleadingly and she shakes
her head.
Nomvuyo: I'm over the secrecy. She
comes and sits next to me.
Liwa hesitates, before sitting down again.
Nomvuyo stares at him expectantly.
I stand.
Nomvuyo: Uyaphi?
Me: Bedroom.
I honestly don't have the energy to deal
with the tension between the two of them.
I make my way to the bedroom, and get in
bed.
***
When I wake up, it's around 4pm.
I walk to the lounge and find my mom
there.
Mom: Hey, baby.
Me: Hey.
Mom: How are you feeling?
Me: Okay.
She smiles.
Me: I'm going back.
Mom: To your place?
She looks at me in shock.
I nod.
Mom: Will you be fine?
I shrug.
I don't care at this point.
Mom: Zimkitha seems to have vanished.
Me: I don't know what needs to happen.
Mom: We’ll have to tell Derek and Dean.
I stare at her. What does she mean?
Mom: Nomvuyo and I have agreed that we
should tell them. Zimkitha is clearly
running away.
I sigh.
Mom: Go spend time with Derek. I don't
want you to stress about fixing this.
Me: What should I say to him?
Mom: Just don't say anything about this.
Me: Am I supposed to pretend like I don’t
know?
She smiles lightly. Mom: If you were able
to shut this thing out for over a year, I’m
sure you can hold on for a couple of days.
I take a deep breath.
Mom: I’m sorry.
She looks at me sadly.
Mom: I must admit that I’m starting to
feel like your life was far too peaceful
before you met these people.
Me: Don’t you think I know that?
She sighs.
Mom: I’m sorry.
We’re silent for a while.
Me: Are those two still here?
She shakes her head.
Mom: I don’t know where they
disappeared to. I roll my eyes angrily. I
really hope that Nomvuyo hasn’t been
influenced by Liwa.
Me: I should get going.
Just then, Lwazi walks in.
Lwazi: Hey!
Me: Pack your bags, we’re leaving.
Lwazi: To your place??
I nod and she squeals excitedly.
My mom looks at me knowingly and
chuckles.
Lwazi might think that this is for her, but
I’m really doing this for me.
Derek won’t kill me if Lwazi is around.
***
Lwazi: I am so excited to see Baby Liya!
She goes on to tell me about how she
always brags about her cute baby sister at
school.
I’m trying my best to listen attentively,
but my heart is beating too fast.
I haven’t seen Derek in a couple of days.
I know he’s pissed, that’s why he didn’t
even bother reaching out.
After a while, we finally get to the house.
I follow Lwazi to the door.
I want to run back outside and ask the
Uber driver to take me somewhere else.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous.
I’m struggling to breathe.
When we walk in, we find Derek and Dean
in the lounge, watching a soccer match.
Lwazi: Double Ds!
When they both turn their heads and
stare at us, my whole body tenses up. I
refuse to even look at Derek, because his
stare will kill me.
Lwazi: Daddy D and Uncle D!
She puts down her bag and runs to them.
She hugs Dean first and then focuses on
Derek. While she’s asking Derek
questions and telling him about her life,
Dean walks towards me.
I step back.
I may have forgotten about him.
He is also part of this mess.
His life is going to be ruined as well.
Dean: You brought Lwazi?
I look at him nervously.
Dean: You’re smart.
He chuckles as he finally gets to me and
wraps his arms around me. I don’t have
the strength to resist at this point.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I glance at him.
Dean: What’s wrong?
Just then, I feel someone by my legs.
Dean lets go of me, and I am shocked to
see Lelo, Derek’s son, standing there,
looking up at me excitedly.
Lelo: Zizi!
What is he doing here?
Dean: Ziyanda. The child is greeting you,
for heaven’s sake.
I try to snap out of it and smile lightly.
Me: Hi, Lelo. Dean steps back and I reach
down to Lelo and pick him up. He smiles
happily.
I look at him closely and suddenly feel
very weird.
He gives me a kiss and within seconds, he
is running off somewhere else.
Dean: You’re looking ugly. Uphumaphi?
I look at him.
Dean: Yini wena? You’re acting strange.
Lwazi: Mommy has been very sick!
I feel Derek’s eyes on me.
Lwazi: She’s been in bed for two days
straight! She was crying day an-
Me: Lwazi, go to your bedroom.
She realises that I’m not too thrilled about
her update session, and quickly walks
away.
I clear my throat and eventually find the
courage to look at Derek.
He walks towards me.
Derek: You were sick?
Me: Technically.
He glances at Dean for a fews seconds and
then looks at me again.
Derek: What was wrong?
Me: Had an episode.
He stares at me for what feels like forever.
I think he’s trying to figure out if I’m lying
or not. Thankfully, I am telling the truth,
just not the whole truth.
Also, I look a hot mess- he can see for
himself.
Dean: So… When were you planning on
updating us?
I look at Derek.
Me: I’m sorry.
Dean: Did you go to your mental what
what?
I nod lightly.
Dean: Did she help you?
I nod again.
They both stare at me.
Me: I’m sorry for disappeari-
Derek: What triggered the episode?
I take a deep breath.
I look at him pleadingly.
This is the last thing I want to discuss. I
don’t know where to begin.
He realizes this, and steps closer to me.
As soon as he wraps his arms around me,
I immediately start crying.
Derek: Baby…
Hearing him call me that is also adding
fuel to the fire.
After the longest time, I eventually calm
down.
He lets go of me and Dean gives me a box
of tissues.
Dean: Uhm, I should probably dish up for
you… You look malnutritioned.
Me: Not funny.
He chuckles as he walks to the kitchen.
Derek leads me to the couch and we sit
next to each other. He takes the remote
and goes to all my saved episodes of the
Real Housewives.
Me: Thanks.
Derek: Nkanyezi is sleeping upstairs. I
nod lightly.
I’m too emotional right now, I don’t think
I want her to take in all of my negative
emotions.
We sit and watch an episode of RHONY as
Dean complains about something in the
kitchen…
INSERT 196
I feel Derek’s arms around me, and I open
my eyes.
Did I doze off?
Derek: Baby.
I glance at him.
My stomach growls.
Derek: Here’s your food.
I blink a few times.
I remember that I’m back at home.
Derek hasn’t killed me. I sit up and he
gives me my plate.
Me: Where’s Dean?
Derek: He left an hour ago.
I nod lightly as I focus on my food. I know
he’s staring at me.
Derek: How are you?
I look at him.
Me: I can’t describe it.
He looks at me intently as he nods.
Derek: I’m sorry I wasn’t there.
I put down my plate and look at him
pleadingly.
Me: Please don’t blame yourself.
Derek: How can I not? I was not there for
you, period.
Me: It’s not like I opened the door for you.
I shut you out.
He sighs heavily and rubs his eyes.
Derek: This is a lot. I can tell that this was
a bad episode.
Me: It wasn’t that bad.
I try to smile.
Derek: Eat.
I take my plate and focus on eating.
Derek: Star is awake. Should I fetch her?
Me: Yes, please.
He stands and disappears.
I take a deep breath. My heart is really
heavy.
A few minutes later, he comes back with
Star. I put down my plate and take her
from him.
Me: Hello, baby!
As soon as she smiles and giggles, I start
sobbing quietly.
I really missed her.
It’s really crazy how you fail to think
about the amount of love you have in your
life when you’re drowning in misery. Your
rationality goes out the window. You fail
to remember that you are worthy of love.
As I hold Little Star, my whole body
warms up. I feel a sense of relief.
I shower her with kisses and she
continues giggling.
After a while, I feel much better, a bit
lighter.
I look at Derek and find him smiling.
Me: Depression is annoying.
He chuckles and I smile lightly.
Me: I’m sorry that you have to deal with
such.
Derek: I wouldn’t have it any other way.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Me: Thank you.
I continue playing with Little Star, till
Lwazi comes down.
Lwazi: Mommy, I want to play with Baby
Liya!
She takes her from me before I can even
say anything.
Me: Yoh.
She walks away to her room.
Derek: Are you full? I nod.
He pulls me closer and I relax in his arms.
Derek: How bad was it?
I sigh.
Me: It made it to my top 5.
I feel his lips on my forehead. He plants a
kiss.
Derek: I can’t apologise enough.
I shift and look at him.
Me: This isn’t your fault. Derek: I don’t
know about that…
Me: I’m not going to listen to you blame
yourself.
He looks at me guiltily.
We sit in silence for a while.
It’s around 9pm now.
Me: When did Lelo get here?
Derek: Yesterday.
I nod.
Derek: You don’t have a problem, right?
I shake my head.
Lelo is the least of my worries.
Derek: Ready to go to bed?
Me: Yes.
We eventually get up and get ready for
bed. Thankfully, Lwazi is around, so she’s
been entertaining Liyakha.
***
I thought I’d sleep peacefully, but I am
struggling.
I keep tossing and turning.
I make my way to Little Star’s nursery,
and find her sleeping peacefully. She has
really strange sleeping patterns this one.
I’m not complaining though, as long she
rests and doesn’t cry the whole night.
After standing there for a while, I’m
consumed by my thoughts.
I’m scared.
I’m afraid that I’m going to lose Derek. I
feel like he won’t be himself again after he
finds out the truth.
Derek: Baby.
I quickly turn and find him standing by
the door.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Can’t sleep?
I shake my head.
Derek: Me too.
We walk back to our bedroom and get in
bed.
Derek: Dean was actually planning on
going to Soweto.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Derek: He was planning on snatching you.
I chuckle.
Me: Did you stop him?
He nods.
Derek: I was angry at you, Ziyanda I don’t
say anything.
Derek: Please tell me what happened?
I keep quiet and he stares at me
pleadingly.
Derek: Please talk to me. What triggered
your episode?
Me: I’m scared.
Derek: Scared of what?
He looks at me worriedly.
Derek: Zi.
I look at him nervously.
Derek: Baby, what are you scared of?
Me: Losing you.
My heart immediately starts beating fast.
Derek: What do you mean?
I take a deep breath and look at him.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I sigh.
Me: I can’t do this anymore- I really can’t.
I can tell that he wants to say something,
but he’s speechless.
He stares at me expectantly.
Me: I don’t know where to start.
He’s worried.
My heart rate is intense.
I’m breathing heavily.
Me: Some time after we started dating,
you invited me to lunch with your
friends…
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I went to the bathroom, and I
overhead a woman taking a call… She
kept saying that she didn’t want to ruin
what she had built and that the person
she was speaking to must stay away.
I avoid his eyes.
Derek: Who was it?
Me: It was Zimkitha.
Derek: What?
He looks confused, genuinely puzzled.
Derek: What was she talking about?
I shrug and he chuckles.
Derek: Zimkitha is a mystery.
I look at him.
Derek: So, how is this going to ruin our
relationship? You are so dramatic, Zi.
I sigh.
Me: I’m not done.
He keeps quiet.
Me: A few months later, when she was in
hospital, because of that mysterious car
accident, she asked me to visit her
without telling you.
Derek: Really? Why?
I swallow hard and start tearing up.
Me: I didn’t know at first, but she told me
something…
His expression changes.
He can sense that this is serious.
Me: Derek, please promise me that you
won’t run off.
Derek: Why would I run off?
I try to keep in the tears, but fail.
Derek: Baby, what’s going on? You’re
scaring me.
Me: You have to promise that you will
hear me out before you react, please.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Derek, please. Please promise me you
won’t run off.
Derek: I promise.
He swallows hard as he stares at me
intensely.
We’re silent for a long time.
I take a deep breath.
Me: Zimkitha told me that she is your
mother.
He stares at me for a while.
His expression doesn’t change.
He clears his throat, and I see him relax a
bit.
Derek: Ya, she’s my mother, she’s our
mother, we all know this.
I shake my head and let out a quiet sob.
Me: No, she told me that she’s your
biological mother- you, Liwa and Dean are
biological siblings.
I feel like I’m going to pass out, but I can’t
allow myself to.
I’m staring at him.
He hasn’t moved, and his expression
hasn’t changed.
It’s been over a minute.
Me: Derek? Nothing.
Me: Derek.
He blinks.
Derek: What?
I take a deep breath.
Me: Zimkitha is your biological mother.
I want to hold him, but I know I shouldn’t.
My heart sinks as soon as I see his eyes
watering.
Derek: What?
I decide to keep quiet and let him process
this.
I want to tell him everything, but I know
he won’t be listening attentively.
Before I can say or do anything, he stands.
Me: Dere-
He shoots me a look and I immediately
keep quiet and tense up.
My whole body gets cold.
He has never looked at me like this.
I watch as he puts on his gown and walks
out of the room...

INSERT 197
I sit there for the longest time.
I'm suddenly overcome by the need to
sleep.
Like, I want to close my eyes and just
sleep. But, my heart won't allow me to. I
know I have to look for him and check
where his head is at.
I get off the bed and look for him.
I go downstairs and he is nowhere to be
found.
I go back to the bedroom and take my
phone and dial my mom's number.
It rings for a while, and she finally
answers.
Mom: Sthandwa sami.
I sigh heavily.
Me: I told him.
Mom: You did?
I don't say anything.
Mom: How is he? How did he take it?
She is quite calm. She knows that if she
panics, then I'll panic as well.
Mom: I know it wasn't easy. Try to explain
everything to him.
Me: Okay.
Mom: Do you want me to come over?
Me: It's late. You can come tomorrow.
Mom: Okay, baby. I love you.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up and take a deep breath.
Thereafter, I walk out and make my way
to Little Star’s nursery.
I find him there.
He's standing next to her cot, looking
down at her.
Me: Star.
He doesn't turn to look at me.
Me: Star.
I know he wants space, but I can't allow
myself to give it to him. I'm scared that
he'll get other ideas and never come back
to me.
I'm sure this is how he feels when I have
my moments and just want to be alone.
I feel helpless.
I walk to him and stand next to him.
One thing I will say about Derek is that his
Emotional Intelligence is very high. His
ability to process information is far better
than most people I know. Because of his
high EQ, in most situations, he thinks
before he reacts.
However, this time around, I'm not sure.
I'm scared.
We stand there for the longest time, and
he walks away.
I watch him.
Me: Derek, you promised to hear me out.
He stops by the door.
Me: You promised.
There's a huge lump in my throat, but I'm
not going to let it win. I need Derek to
understand this whole situation.
I need to at least know what's going
through his mind.
I walk to him and make him turn.
Me: You promised to hear me out
He looks at him.
He's hurting, it's written all over his face.
I take his hand and lead him back to our
bedroom.
I don't know what has happened, but
something has clicked in me. My instinct
to protect Derek has heightened and I feel
energized. I don't know if this is normal,
but that's what's happening right now.
I rush downstairs and get him water.
When I get back, he is still sitting on the
edge of the bed.
Me: Please have some water.
I try to give him the bottle, but he doesn't
take it.
Me: Derek, thatha.
He glances at me before taking the bottle
and drinking some water.
I take the bottle and throw it on the bed.
I take a deep breath and look at him.
Me: Tell me how you feel.
I don't know what I'm doing, but what I
do know is that I'm not going to let Derek
walk away. My relationship went be
ruined by this.
Derek: You said you'd explain yourself,
not focus on me.
Me: Okay.
I sigh.
Me: I don't know why Zimkitha told me
this. I was angry and confused. That's why
I have distanced myself from her.
He doesn't say anything.
I may as well tell him everything.
Me: My interaction with Nomvuyo is what
triggered the episode. The reason she's
divorcing Liwa is because she found out
about this, and also found out that Liwa
knew.
Derek: Knew what?
I look at him nervously.
Me: He knew that Zimkitha is your
mother.
Derek: Zimkitha is my mother? I nod
lightly.
I want to share his pain, but I know that
he has to go through this his own way.
We sit in silence for a long time.
Derek: Liwa knew?
I nod.
Derek: You knew for over a year?
I look down ashamedly.
Me: She said she'd tell the truth.
He finally stares at me and my stomach
churns.
My heart sinks deeper.
He's in pain.
Derek: Is that all?
I sigh.
He stands.
Me: Uyaphi?
He stares at me tensely, and I shiver
Me: I'll give you your space. I just need to
know that you're safe.
Derek: Did you do that when you left me?
Me: I told you where I was going.
He takes his car keys and just as he
storms off, I grab his arm roughly.
I don't know what has come over me.
Me: You want your space? I will give you
your space. What you will not do is
disappear in the middle of the night not
knowing where you're going. I'm not
going to let you do that.
Derek: Get out of my way.
Me: No.
He gives me a threatening look and as
much as I'm terrified right now, I don't
give in.
Me: No. Where are you going?
He continues staring at me and I let go of
him. I'm not used to seeing Derek like
this. This side of him scares me.
Derek: Suka.
I look at him pleadingly and I feel my eyes
water up.
I understand that he's angry, but I don't
want to lose him. I just want to know
where he's going.
Me: Please… I won't bother you…
We stand there for a very long time…
Eventually, he sighs quietly.
Derek: I'm going to my parent’s house.
I process what he says and then nod
lightly.
Me: Will you come back?
He pushes me lightly and I watch as he
walks away.
I feel defeated.
A few minutes later, I know he has left.
I throw myself on the bed and bury my
head on the pillow. I scream as loud as I
can…
Once I feel a bit better, I sit up.
I take my phone…
It rings for a very long time.
She finally answers.
Zimkitha: Ziyanda?
Me: If I lose Derek over this…
I hear her breathe.
Me: Fix this.
I hang up before she can even say
anything.
I'm filled with rage- indescribable rage.
Zimkitha will be on the receiving end of
this rage the moment I see her.
I don't even know how we're going to
recover from this.
Part of me feels like this is the beginning
of the end...

INSERT 198 (Unedited)

I’ve been in bed, tossing and turning since
Derek left.
It’s now 6am.
I decide to take a shower and then go to
Little Star. She is already awake, kicking
and moaning.
I take her with me to the bedroom and
put her on the bed while I get dressed. I
quickly check on Lwazi and Lelo, and they
are fast asleep.
I feed Star and try to distract myself with
her.
I haven’t called Derek, because I know he
won’t take my calls.
Just then, my phone rings, and it’s
Nomvuyo.
I answer it.
Me: Hello?
Nomvuyo: Baby, your mom told me.
I don’t say anything.
Nomvuyo: Did he leave?
Me: He left in the middle of the night.
Nomvuyo: Where did he say he was
going?
Me: His parents’ house.
Nomvuyo: Oh…
She sighs heavily.
Me: Are you with Liwa?
She doesn’t respond.
I guess she’s back with him.
Nomvuyo: I’m still divorcing him.
I don’t even care. My mind is occupied by
Derek. I don’t care what Nomvuyo and
her husband are doing.
Nomvuyo: Zi?
Me: I have to go.
Nomvuyo: Uhm, okay.
I end the call and continue focusing on
Liya.
***
At around 10am, my mom lets me know
that she is on her way. I clean up the
house, and check my phone to see if
Derek has responded to any of my
messages.
Nothing.
After 30 minutes, I open the door for her
and she gives me a hug.
Mom: Baby, did you even sleep?
I shake my head.
Mom: Udlile?
Me: I can’t. I’m stressed.
She sighs as we make our way to the
lounge.
Mom: Let me make you something to eat
while you take a bath.
I shake my head.
Me: I’m not hungry. I showered earlier.
Mom: Let me call him.
She takes out her phone and dials Derek’s
number. I watch as she waits for him to
answer. After a while, she breathes
heavily and ends the call.
Mom: Not picking up.
Me: Maybe I should go to his parents’
house.
Mom: That’s where he went?
I nod.
Mom: You want to go?
Me: I can’t sit here. It’s stressing me out.
Mom: Okay.
She looks at me thoughtfully.
Mom: Okay, let’s go.
Me: What about the kids?
Mom: I can’t let you go by yourself.
Me: Let’s go with them.
She shakes her head.
Mom: Nomvuyo will have to come and
babysit.
She walks away as she makes the call.
***
Nomvuyo: Hey.
She looks at me softly.
Me: Hi. I don’t understand why she’s
behaving like someone who’s guilty.
Nomvuyo: So, you’d like me to babysit?
Mom: Yes, baby. We have to find Derek.
Nomvuyo: Are you sure you’ll find him
there?
Mom: We’ll see…
Nomvuyo nods.
Lwazi comes downstairs and greets
Nomvuyo.
Lwazi: Mommy, where’s Daddy D? He said
we’d work on my homework today.
Me: He’ll be back soon.
Lwazi: Okay.
Mom: Baby, we have to buy a few things…
Sis Vuvu is going to stay with you.
Lwazi: Alright.
She walks up the stairs.
Nomvuyo: Nihambe kahle.
Mom: Hopefully, we will find him there.
Nomvuyo looks at me.
Nomvuyo: We’ll talk when you come back.
My mom and I make our way out and get
in the Uber.
***
When we arrive at Khwezi and Senior’s
house, my heart is already beating fast. I
don’t know what to expect.
Part of me feels like Derek is not here. I’m
sure he came here at night and then left.
Why would he be here for so long?
After a few minutes, the gate opens and
the helper greets us. Thereafter, she leads
us to the front door.
Senior: Ziyanda!
He looks at me in utter shock.
Me: Hi, sir.
Senior: Come in…
He moves out of the way and we walk in.
Me: This is my mother.
Senior introduces himself and they shake
hands.
Mom: I think you know why we’re here.
Senior genuinely looks like he has seen a
ghost.
Senior: Have a seat. Would you like
something to drink? To eat?
Mom: We’re okay.
He sits opposite us and rubs his chin
thoughtfully.
Senior: Uhm… Derek came here last night.
We stare at him.
So, this means Derek is not here now.
Where is he?
Mom: What happened?
Senior shivers.
Senior: When he got here, I knew… I just
knew…
He sighs deeply.
Senior: I’ve never seen him like that…
We sit in silence for a long time.
Senior: I don’t know what to do… I’ve
never seen him like that…
Me: Stop acting like this is all a shock to
you. Did you really think Derek would
never find out?
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: I’m not going to sit here and listen to
you drown in self-pity.
My mom touches my hand, and I stand.
Me: Where is Derek?
Senior: He storme-
Out of nowhere, we hear a scream.
We turn- Khwezi is standing by the
lounge entrance, looking at us angrily.
Khwezi: Get out!
My mom stands.
Khwezi: Why did you allow these people
to come in?!
Senior: Khwe-
Khwezi: Out! Get ou-
Mom: Heyi wena, ungalinge!
Khwezi stares at my mom.
Mom: I haven’t put my hands on a person
in a very long time, don’t push me!
Senior: Let’s cal-
Mom: Where is Derek? We didn’t come
here to fight with you.
Khwezi: Fuck o-
Senior rushes to Khwezi and stops her
from talking.
Senior: We don’t know where he is.
Mom: Alright.
She takes my hand.
Mom: Let’s go, before I do other things
here.
We walk out of the house…
***
We decide to have lunch, because my
mom has been complaining about being
hungry.
We go to Mike’s Kitchen.
Mom: These people are twisted yazi. So,
all of them are involved in this?
I sigh heavily as I also think about it.
Mom: Zimkitha planned this whole thing
out. She made sure that she gave these
boys away, but was still able to keep track
of them.
She shakes her head in shock and claps
once.
Mom: Hai ngiyam’ saba uZimkitha!
Me: I hate her.
Mom: I’m trying my best not to judge her.
I want to hear her side of the story first.
Me: Mxm.
Mom: I really hope she had valid reasons,
because none of this makes sense.
I don’t say anything.
Our food eventually arrives and we start
eating.
Mom: As for uLiwa noVuvu…
Me: I don’t care about them.
Mom: Zizi, you need to calm down.
Me: How am I supposed to be calm when
Derek is out there? What is he thinking?
Where is he?
I take a deep breath.
Me: I just want him to come back.
Mom: He will come back. We continue
eating…
***
When we come back to the house, we find
Nomvuyo in the kitchen, preparing lunch.
Nomvuyo: You’re back?
She looks at us strangely.
Mom: And then wena?
Nomvuyo: Uhm…
Just then, Dean walks to the kitchen.
Dean: I’m starving. Hurry up.
My whole body tenses up as he walks
towards me.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I clear my throat.
Before I can respond, he focuses on my
mother and smiles.
Dean: I’ve missed you.
Mom: Hai suka, you don’t visit us
anymore.
Dean: I’ve been busy, ma.
Mom: Ohho!
They share a hug.
Dean then focuses on me again.
Dean: Dlamz.
I clear my throat once more.
Me: Hi.
Dean: A word?
Me: Uh-
He takes my hand and leads me to the
lounge.
Before I can even react to Liwa’s
presence, he continues leading me out the
slide door.
When we get outside, he turns and stares
at me seriously.
Dean: How are you?
I frown.
What’s happening?
Dean: I don’t appreciate this distance
between us lately.
My heart sinks.
He looks at me softly.
Dean: I know you think I don’t
understand what you’re going through,
but I kinda do…
I continue staring at him.
Dean: I think I’ve also been depressed at
some point in my life. I just dismissed it.
Okay.
Dean: I don’t want you to think the people
around you don’t understand. I don’t
want you to suffer alone.
Me: I’m fine, Dean.
I don’t know why he’s making me
emotional.
Dean: I love you. You’re my sister, and
seeing you like this breaks my heart.
He sees how emotional I’m getting, and
pulls me for a hug.
I sob quietly as he tightens his hold on
me.
I feel horrible.
After a while, I stop crying and he wipes
my tears.
Dean: What’s wrong?
Me: A lot.
Dean: Okay. You’re not being specific.
Me: I need to tell you someth-
Out of nowhere, Nolwazi emerges from
the house.
When did she get here?
What’s going on? First it was Liwa, then
Dean, now Nolwazi?
Nolwazi: Dean! You need to come in!
Dean: What’s wrong?
Nolwazi: Come!
Dean lets go of me and we both rush back
to the house.
Once we’re inside, I stand there, confused
and frightened.
Derek is beating Liwa to a pulp!
Mom: Nkanyezi!
Derek drags Liwa across the floor and
kicks his face furiously.
Nolwazi: Dean, you have to stop them!
Dean seems to be assessing the situation.
Also, he seems cool.
Nolwazi: Dean!
Dean: Liwa is not beating him back,
because he knows he is wrong.
We all stare at him in shock.
What the hell does he mean??
Nomvuyo: They don’t intervene in each
other’s fights.
Dean: Liwa must have done something
shitty. He knows he’s not supposed to hit
back. I can’t take this anymore.
Just as I’m about to stop them, Dean grabs
my hand roughly.
Dean: Stay out of it.
Me: No!
Nolwazi: Are you fucken crazy?!
Nolwazi tries to stop them, but Nomvuyo
pulls her back.
How is she okay with this? I know Liwa
messed up, but this is crazy.
What are we supposed to do? Stand here
and watch Derek kill Liwa?
Also, it is clear that Dean doesn’t know
why Liwa is being beaten, because he
wouldn’t be this chilled. All he knows is
that they made a stupid pact, that if
someone does something really bad, he
can’t defend himself when he’s being
beaten.
That’s what happened when Ntsiki almost
killed me, and Derek blamed Dean…Liwa
didn’t intervene, and he told us to stay out
of it.
Liwa looks like he’s about to die.
Me: Derek.
Derek continues punching him.
Me: Derek, please stop!
Nolwazi: You’re going to kill him!
Dean: No one dies from being punched.
He’ll be unconscious for a while.
What?
Within seconds, Liwa stops moving.
Derek throws him to the ground and
Nomvuyo rushes to him.
I want to vomit.
Why is Derek like this? Why is he so
violent? How is he able to tame this side
of him?
I feel sick. Derek looks at Dean.
They stare at each other for a long time.
Dean: Mind telling me what this is about,
buddy?
Derek: I’m sure Zimkitha is here to tell
you…
We all turn.
Zimkitha is standing by the entrance of
the lounge, looking like she is about to
die.
Dean: Zimkitha.
Just then, Lwazi comes downstairs, and
before she can process what is happening,
my mom rushes to her and takes her back
upstairs.
A few seconds later, Liyakha’s cries and
screams fill the entire house.
Derek and I stare at each for a few
seconds, before I rush up the stairs and
make my way to the bedroom…

INSERT 199
As I breastfeed Liyakha, I’m trying by all
means not to let my emotions drive me
crazy. I don’t want to transfer all these
negative emotions to my child, I don’t
want that.
I keep taking deep breaths as she sucks
on happily.
As much as I understand Derek’s anger, I
don’t agree with how he is dealing with
this. What if he killed Liwa?
I focus on Liyakha until she dozes off. I
place her carefully on the bed and watch
her sleep.
Derek’s violent side scares me.
There are kids in the house, why would he
bring all that energy in here? What if they
saw him beat up Liwa?
I take a deep breath and sit on the edge of
the bed.
I don’t want to go downstairs. I don’t
want to deal with this.
Like I said, I feel like this is the beginning
of the end. I feel like we won’t recover
from this.
My heart is truly broken.
Eventually, I make my way downstairs
and find everyone standing around Liwa,
except Derek. He’s not around.
Nolwazi: We should take him to the
hospital.
Nomvuyo shakes her head lightly.
Nomvuyo: He’ll be fine.
She looks at Dean.
Nomvuyo: Help me put him on the couch.
Dean grunts as he bends and lifts Liwa
like he’s a piece of paper. He then places
him on the couch and Nomvuyo takes
care of him. I’m not sure whether he’s still
unconscious or he’s just weak.
Dean: What’s going on? I’m too hungry for
this shi-
He quickly looks at my mom and smiles.
Mom: You must check yourself. You know
how I feel about bad language.
Dean wraps his arm around her.
Mom: Are you hungry?
Dean: I’m famished, ma.
Mom: Let’s dish up then.
They walk to the kitchen.
Nolwazi and I stare at each other. Nolwazi
is clearly shook and lost. She doesn’t
know what’s going on.
Nolwazi: Zi, what’s going on?
I just look at her. I don’t have anything to
say to her.
Where is Zimkitha? I look around.
Nolwazi: She left with Derek.
My heart starts racing.
What is he going to do to her?
He is clearly irrational at this point.
After a while, Dean and my mom walk
back.
Dean: Food, anyone?
He looks at Nolwazi softly.
Dean: Baby, would you like me to dish up
for you?
Nolwazi: Are you serious right now,
Dean?!
Dean doesn’t say anything.
Nolwazi: Liwa is lying here, struggling!
Derek is not thinking and behaving
straight! And, you are here asking me if I
want food?!
Dean keeps quiet. He seems nonchalant.
Nolwazi: Wow!
Mom: Sthandwa sami, you need to calm
down.
Nolwazi: How, mama? How do you expect
me to calm down after what we’ve just
witnessed?!
My mom walks closer to Nolwazi and
takes her hands.
Mom: Sit down, Lwazi.
She looks at my mom as if she’s about to
break down and cry.
Mom: Come, baby.
My mom leads her to a chair and makes
her sit.
Mom: I’ll dish up for you.
She nods absentmindedly and my mom
walks back to the kitchen.
Dean: Where did those two go?
Nolwazi: Don’t talk to me.
Dean: What did I do, now?
Nolwazi hisses.
Dean walks to her and plants a kiss on her
forehead.
Dean: I mind my own business. We’ll soon
find out what the heck is happening with
these two.
He then looks at me.
Dean: Are you okay?
I don’t say anything.
Dean: You guys need to relax. This is how
we handle things. We understand each
other.
Nolwazi: Stop making it seem like this is
okay.
Dean: It’s our way of dealing with the
anger we have towards each other. It’s
not like we go around beating up random
people.
Nolwazi: Are you hearing yourself?
Dean shakes his head and chuckles.
Just then, Liwa starts moaning.
Nolwazi quickly stands and walks to the
couch.
Liwa: Vuvu…
Nomvuyo: I’m here.
He groans.
Dean walks towards him as well and
looks down at him.
Dean: What did you do, you idiot? You
know Derek is the last person you want to
mess with…
What does he mean?
Is Derek naturally a violent person? What
are his triggers?
My mom emerges and smiles.
Mom: Come get your food.
Dean is the first one to go to the kitchen.
He comes back with his plate and sits next
to Liwa, who is now sitting up.
Dean: He fucked you up.
Liwa doesn’t say anything.
We watch in silence as Dean eats his food.
Liwa stares at Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: I’ll dish up for you.
She stands and walks away.
Mom: Lwazi, your food is ready.
Nolwazi walks away as well.
Dean: You people are dramatic. You need
to calm down.
Me: Dean, just stop talking.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Just shut up.
Dean: Haike.
I look at my mom.
Me: Let’s go home.
She also looks at me in disbelief.
This whole thing is literally making me
sick. I’m not fine.
I’m physically sick.
I walk out and my mom follows me.
Mom: Baby-
Me: No, mama. What Derek did is stupid
and inconsiderate!
She keeps quiet.
Me: How dare he come here and behave
like an animal?!
She doesn’t respond.
Me: What if Lelo and Lwazi saw him?!
Mom: Lwazi kept asking me questions.
She heard the commotion.
Me: I’m against his actions. I’m angry at
him!
Mom: He’s not thinking straight, Zi.
Me: Then, he should have stayed
wherever he was!
My mom stares at something behind me.
I turn and see Derek standing a few feet
away from us.
Derek: That’s easy coming from you…
I freeze for a few seconds.
When he steps closer to me, my whole
body tenses up and I freeze.
Derek: You think my actions are bad?
As soon as his body is touching mine, I
want to scream from fear.
Me: Are you going to beat me up as well?
He stares at me.
Me: I’m not scared of you.
Mom: Ziya-
Me: How dare you come here and behave
like an animal with the kids in the house?
Derek: Why am I not surprised that you’re
acting righteous? I keep quiet.
Derek: There’s nothing righteous about
you.
Mom: Dere-
Derek: There’s nothing honourable about
you…
My heart…
Derek: You are just as sinful as the people
you constantly judge.
He steps even closer to me, and I try not
to fall.
Derek: You disgust me.
I want to vomit.
Derek: You slept with me day and night,
knowing very well that my whole life was
a lie.
I try to speak, but words fail me.
Derek: What? This wasn’t your secret to
tell?
I don’t say anything.
Derek: You always have excuses for your
actions, don’t you?
Why is he saying all these things?
Derek: Don’t you, Ms Righteous?
He breathes heavily and I shiver.
Me: You don’t scare me.
Derek: Fuck you, Ziyanda.
I keep quiet.
Derek: You kept this secret, because you
are just as wicked as the people who
knew before you.
I look at him pleadingly. I need him to
stop.
Derek: I regret the day I met you… You’ve
done nothing but-
Me: You regret the day you met me?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: My life has spiralled out of control
because of you and your family.
He tries to say something, but I continue.
Me: Yes, YOUR family, Derek.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’ve done nothing but try to be there
and love you and your family… I’ve put
my own needs aside, for you and your
family…
He keeps quiet.
Me: But, do I bring that shit up every
chance I get?
I push him.
Me: You’re hurt?
I stare at him.
Me: Be hurt.
I step closer and push him again.
Me: You’re angry?
I step closer again.
Me: Be angry.
I push him harder.
Me: But, don’t you dare paint me in a
negative light!
I step closer to him and feel my whole
body heat up.
Me: I will not sit back and allow you to
use my mistakes or troubles as leverage!
It seems like everyone is now standing
outside.
Me: The one person you should be
directing your anger to is that mother of
yours, not me! I am not the one who gave
you away, Derek!
I push him, but this time I’m an emotional
mess.
Me: I am not the one who gave you away
and put you in an orphanage!
I look around, hoping to see Zimkitha
here, but she’s not.
Me: Your anger is misdirected!
I stare at him.
Me: And, I won’t sit here and allow you to
make me the scapegoat.
I continue looking at him.
Me: You regret the day you met me? Who
the hell do you think you are?! I also
regret the day I met you!
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: You suddenly hate me? All because
your own mother lied to you? Did you
also tell her that you regret the day that
you met her? Or am I the only one who’s
at fault here?
Dean: What is go-
Me: I’m leaving… I don’t want Lwazi and
Lelo to be around when you’re throwing
insults at me.
Dean walks to us and looks at us in utter
shock.
Dean: What the fuc-
Mom: Heyi! Stop this nonsense!
We all look at her.
Mom: I am tired of this shit! Zimkitha has
lost all my respect. I am disgusted!
Dean: What is going on? Also, ma, you
actually swear?
Mom: Ziyanda, go get the kids…
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. As I
start walking, Dean grabs my arm.
I look at him, and I am shocked by his
expression. He is looking at me
insistently.
Dean: Zi, don’t do this.
I don’t say anything.
Dean: Don’t leave.
Me: What am I supposed to do?
Dean: Talk to me like a normal person.
I look at my mother.
Mom: Zimkitha is your mother,
Langelihle.
Dean: Ya, so?
My mom shakes her head lightly.
Dean: Of course she’s my mother. That’s a
no-brain-
Derek: She’s our biological mother…
Derek walks away.
Dean lets go of me and looks over at
Nolwazi, whose jaw is on the floor.
Dean: Huh?
Me: She’s your biological mother. You,
Derek, Liwa and Princess are siblings.
He looks at me.
We are completely silent.
Dean: Zimkitha is my biological mother?
I nod sadly.
Dean: Zimkitha Mzinyathi?
Mom: Yes… Dean looks around again.
Liwa and Nomvuyo are also standing at a
distance.
Dean: Derek and I are related
biologically?
I nod.
Dean: Lindelwa is not my mother?
I stare at him.
He steps back and looks at me.
There is complete silence.
Within seconds, Dean’s laughter has filled
the space.
We watch as he laughs loudly.
We all stare at each other in confusion.
Dean continues laughing…

INSERT 200
Dean: What are you people saying to me?
We all stare at him, not saying anything.
Dean: Nithi Zimkitha is my mother?
We remain silent.
He continues laughing and then chuckles
lightly.
Nolwazi walks closer to him and takes his
hand.
Nolwazi: Baby…
He looks at her with a smile on his face.
Nolwazi: Are you hearing them?
He nods lightly.
Nolwazi: Okay…
She swallows hard and looks at him
carefully.
Nolwazi: What's going through your
mind?
Dean: I'd like to finish my meal in peace…
Nolwazi: Okay… Do you want to leave?
He shakes his head and starts walking.
Nolwazi: I'll warm up your food.
Dean: Thanks.
Dean glances at Liwa.
Dean: You knew?
Liwa doesn't respond.
Dean: That's why Derek beat your ass?
He chuckles and walks inside the house.
Dean: Ya neh…
He disappears.
My mom comes to me and takes my hand.
Mom: That was uncalled for.
I don't say anything.
Mom: But, he's angry. Please don't take
anything he said and will say personally.
Me: He meant every word.
She shakes her head.
Mom: He’s angry. He didn't mean those
words.
Me: He always does this when he's angry.
When I had the miscarriage, he blamed
me, and brought up my mental illness.
She looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Maybe his anger allows him to say
what he truly feels.
Mom: Don’t make assumptions.
I shake my head.
Me: He regrets the day he met me…
I'm trying not to take this personally, but
I'm struggling. Being rational right now is
proving to be very difficult.
Mom: What do you want to do?
Sleep.
Mom: Do you want to talk to him?
I shake my head.
Me: I can't take his insults. I feel attacked,
and I can’t rationalize his words.
She nods lightly.
Mom: I don't think I've ever left like this
about anyone. Zimkitha is awakening
feelings I had no idea I possessed. I'm
overwhelmed right now.
I shrug.
Mom: Let me check on Langa.
We walk back inside and find Dean and
Nolwazi in the dining room.
Nolwazi is not fine. She’s also struggling.
Mom: Langa…
Dean looks at my mom calmly.
Mom: Unjani? Dean chuckles.
Dean: I'm fine… I just didn't know that
you had it in you to swear. I’m shocked.
Mom: Hai suka wena.
He laughs and looks at me.
Dean: Aren't you going to eat?
I look at him worriedly.
I don't know why, but he's making me
want to cry.
He's not fine. I'm scared of what will
happen once everything sinks in. He's in
denial right now.
Dean: Dlamz?
I snap out of it.
Me: Hmm?
Dean: Aren't you going to eat?
I shake my head.
Dean: Hmkay.
I walk away.
I really just need to sleep.
I make my way upstairs and go to the
bedroom.
As I'm about to get in bed, the door opens
and my body tenses up.
Derek: I don't want you here.
I turn to look at him.
He doesn't seem as enraged as he was
earlier. He looks defeated.
Me: You don't mean that.
Derek: Get the fuck out of my house.
Me: Derek?
My heart can't take this. I feel like I'm
going to pass out.
He goes to the bathroom and closes the
door.
I sit on the edge of the bed.
Yoh, I'm trying my best not to let these
punches kill me, but I can't. Why is Derek
so vile towards me? I never treat him like
this whenever I have episodes, instead I
walk away and deal with my shit
somewhere else, because I know how
hurtful my words can be. I never attack
him like this. He always hits below the
belt, and a huge part of me is starting to
think these are his true feelings…
I must have gotten lost in my thoughts,
because when I snap out of it, I find him
getting dressed.
I stand and go to the closet.
I take out an overnight bag and start
packing my things.
Derek: Do me a favour, and pack all your
shit.
I look at him.
Me: You don't have to be a dick.
Derek: I'm sure Andile will be very happy
to comfort you, seeing as you always want
a lapdog…
I have to take a few seconds to process
what I’ve just heard.
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: Get the fuck out of here.
I walk towards me.
Me: I've been trying to be very patient
with you, but I'm failing.
He looks at me coldly.
Me: What's happening to you is fucked
up…
I stare at him.
Me: I'll take your punches, Derek… As
hurtful as they are, I'll take them. He
hisses and continues getting dressed.
Me: However, keep in mind that these
words you keep shooting will have an
effect on me… Bear that in mind as you
drag my character through the mud.
I go back to packing my things.
Me: I don't even recall ever claiming to be
perfect. In fact, I'm obsessed with my
imperfections to the point of craziness. I
don't know when I ever claimed to be
righteous. Clearly that's how you see me.
I'm not going to challenge your
perceptions.
After a while, I finish up.
Me: I don't even know how Andile fits into
all of this. Fuck you, actually, for
insinuating that I'm a slut.
Derek: Get the fuck out of my house.
Me: I will gladly get out of your house.
Thank you for reminding me that none of
this is mine…
I've tried to be understanding, but this?
No, I can't.
I'm leaving Derek.
I walk out of the bedroom and make my
way to the nursery.
I find Lelo, Lwazi and Liyakha there.
Lwazi: Mommy, something's not right.
What's going on?
Me: Nothing, baby. Derek and I are just
going through something right now.
Lwazi: Are you fighting?
I shrug.
Lwazi: Don’t worry. You two are perfect
for each other. You always work things
out.
I don’t respond.
Me: Go pack up your things.
She nods and as she walks out, my mom
walks in.
Mom: Zizi?
Me: We’re leaving.
My mom doesn't say anything.
Me: The kids can't be here when he's like
this. He's not thinking straight.
Mom: Uphi?
Me: Bedroom.
She walks out and I follow her.
I'm not about to let anyone talk to her
sideways.
She opens our bedroom door and walks
in.
Mom: Derek.
He ignores her.
He's busy doing something in the closet.
Mom: Derek, I’m talking to you.
He continues with whatever he's doing.
Mom: Nkanyezi! Stop what you are doing
and look at me!
He instantly stops and turns like a little
boy. He's still angry, but he obviously
knows not to come at my mother
sideways.
Mom: Sit down.
Derek: With all due respect, I need to be
alone.
Mom: That is what you should have said
from the beginning… What's the point of
saying all these hurtful things if you're
going to regret them in the end?
He doesn't say anything.
Mom: I'm not going to abandon you. You
may not want me here, but I'm not going
to discard you. You are my son, and I
mean that sincerely. You're not ready to
talk about this, so I'm going to respect
that.
She stares at me softly.
Mom: You and Ziyanda shouldn't be in the
same space. I don’t want you to dig a
deeper hole for yourselves. I know that
both of you are hurt and that you don't
mean any of the things you're saying. I'm
not going to judge you for your actions
right now, because you have every right
to be angry. I just don't want you to tear
each other up.
She sighs heavily.
Mom: We’re taking the kids. This is not a
healthy space to be in.
She swallows her tears
Mom: You may not receive what I'm
saying, Nkanyezi, but I want you to know
that we love you, and we won't abandon
you. I can't even put myself in your
shoes…
She looks at me softly.
Mom: Go take the kids.
Me: I'll stay…
My mom looks at me worriedly.
Me: Take the kids…
She nods and then walks out.
I look at Derek for the longest time and
then walk out and close the door.
I make my way downstairs and find Dean
alone.
I sit next to him as he focuses on the TV.
Me: Hlongz.
Dean: Dlamz.
Me: Can I be honest with you?
He looks at me coolly.
Me: You're scaring me.
Dean: Stop being dramatic and get me
some whiskey.
I sigh.
Me: Okay.
I stand and pour him some.
After a while, my mom comes down with
Lwazi, Lelo and Liyakha.
Nolwazi emerges.
Nolwazi: I'll drop you off, ma.
Mom: Thank you, baby.
Nolwazi: Langa, I'm dropping off Zi’s
mom.
Dean: I'll come with. I need to speak to
Zi’s father anyway.
Nolwazi: Let's go then.
Where is Liwa and Nomvuyo?
I look around.
Nolwazi: They left.
I nod lightly.
Dean stands and takes Liyakha from
Lwazi, who complains.
Dean: See you soonest, Dlamz.
Me: Okay.
I give Lwazi a hug and then kiss Lelo, who
is not even affected by the tension.
Thereafter, I kiss Liyakha and walk them
out
Mom: I'll call when we arrive.
Me: Okay.
I watch as they drive off, and then make
my way back in the house, locking up…

INSERT 201
I am awakened by my phone ringing. I sit
up and look around in confusion…
I remember where I am. I dozed off while
watching TV in the lounge.
I take my phone and answer it.
Me: Mama?
Mom: Hey, baby. We arrived safely. Sorry
for calling you manje, I had to cook for the
kids.
Me: It's okay, I dozed off nami.
Mom: How are you?
Me: I could be better.
She sighs.
Mom: Derek?
Me: I don't know. I haven't spoken to him.
Mom: Are you keeping your distance?
Me: I guess.
I'm numb. This is the only way I can
survive at this point. I can't allow myself
to be consumed by hurt, because it's
paralysing. I've never experienced such.
I've decided to lock away my emotions
and just go with the flow.
Mom: I love you, baby.
Me: I know.
Mom: I personally don't think you should
be there, because I know what this will do
to you. However, I know there's a reason
you chose to stay. Just know that I'll come
fetch you if it gets too much.
Me: Hmkay.
She takes a deep breath.
I want to ask about Dean, but I don't have
the energy to. I also want to ask about
Liyakha, but I don't have energy to. I just
don't have any energy left in me.
Me: Bye.
Mom: Bye bye sisi.
I end the call and browse through my
phone. I have a lot of missed calls from
Nikiwe. I'll talk to her another time.
I hear footsteps
Derek walks down the stairs and goes to
the bar. After a few minutes, he goes back
upstairs.
I sit there and continue watching TV.
***
When I wake up, it feels like I was in a
brawl- my whole body is in pain. My feet
are even swollen. If I wasn't on
contraceptives, one would swear I'm
pregnant.
It's around 10pm now.
I make my way to the bedroom and find it
empty. Derek must be in his office.
I get in the bathroom and take the longest
shower. I thought I'd cry and let it out, but
I don't have it in me.
Once I'm done, I lotion up and put on my
pyjamas. I think I've lost track of the days.
Tomorrow is Monday…
As I'm moisturizing my face, the bedroom
door opens, and Derek staggers to the
bed. He throws himself there and passes
out.
I make my way to one of the guestrooms
and get in bed…
***
Three days have passed.
Things haven't changed.
Derek stays in his office the whole day.
I watch TV the whole day.
At night, I take a shower.
Derek staggers in the bedroom.
He passes out. I go to the guest room and
sleep there.
With each passing day, the aura changes.
I can't put it into words.
***
It's now Thursday.
I get a call from Nomvuyo, and don't
bother answering it.
She calls me again and I answer it.
Nomvuyo: Zizi.
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: Please open. I'm outside.
I end the call and continue watching TV
Minutes later, it rings again.
I don't answer.
For the next few minutes, she continues
calling me back to back. I stand and buzz
her in.
After a while, the door opens and she
walks in.
Nomvuyo: Zi!
She draws open the curtains and comes to
sit next to me.
Nomvuyo: Zi.
I focus on the TV.
Nomvuyo: Zizi.
Me: What?
She looks at me worriedly.
I focus on the TV again.
Nomvuyo: How are you?
I don't respond.
Nomvuyo: Zi, I'm talking to you.
Me: What do you want me to say?
Nomvuyo: How are you?
Me: I'm fine.
Nomvuyo: You're not.
Me: So, why did you ask me if you know
me so well?
She sighs.
Me: Where have you been? You didn't
think I needed you the past few days?
She tries to speak, but ends up saying
nothing.
Me: I see the type of people you are…
When you are going through shit, you
want people by your side, but when you
have to support others, you don't pitch.
Nomvuyo: Zi…
She sighs.
Me: Thankfully, I've always been
independent. I don't rely on people. I'll get
through this shit by myself. I don't
understand why I'm suddenly the one
who has been held responsible for all of
this.
She keeps quiet.
Me: So, do me a favour and leave me
alone. You people aren't as solid as you
think. I've had to endure a lot over the
past few days. Derek is using me as his
punching bag. He releases all his anger
and hurt on me. I'm absorbing every
single word that comes out of his mouth,
because no one is here to help me support
him. When you get divorces, you want
people to be there. When you're in
hospitals, you want people to be there.
When you're keeping secrets, you want
people to be there. But when it's time to
show up for others, you are nowhere to
be found.
I finally look at her.
Me: Just do me a favour and get out of
Derek's house. Leave me alone, please. I
don't know how the fuck I'm going to get
through this, but I will. Hopefully, I won't
have to deal with any of you in the future.
Nomvuyo: Zi… I'm sorry.
I focus on the TV and completely shut her
off. She'll leave eventually.
***
When I wake up, I realise that I'm hungry.
I haven't eaten in two days. I'm famished.
What am I going to eat?
I go to the kitchen and look around.
Nothing is cooked. Also, we've run out of
snacks.
I decide to make boiled eggs, seeing as
they are less admin. After boiling them for
a while, I eat them with bread.
It's now around 8pm.
I go to the bedroom.
Derek is not there.
I sit on the edge of the bed
absentmindedly.
A short while later, the door opens and
Derek staggers in as usual. He throws
himself on the bed.
Me: I don't think I can do this anymore.
He's silent.
Me: It's clear that you don't want me here,
and I don't know how to support you.
I'm sure he has passed out.
I stand and go to the closet.
Derek: You're going to abandon me as
well?
I turn and look at him.
Me: It feels like you don't want me here.
Derek: Don’t make this about you.
Me: How can I not when all I've been to
you is a punching bag? I'm struggling to
rationalize your actions. The blows are
too much.
He doesn't say anything for a long time.
Derek: I've been betrayed…
He mumbles and stops.
I go to the bathroom as my emotions
threaten to wild out. I sit on the toilet seat
for a while. Eventually, I get out again and
find him passed out.
Me: Derek?
Nothing.
I go back to the bathroom and take a
bath…
***
At around 2am, I am awakened by weird
sounds.
I get out of bed, and walk out. When I
reach Derek’s bedroom, I find him curled
up in a ball, crying.
This is not even normal crying.
It's as if the cries are coming from his gut.
I rush to his bed and shake him. I'm not
sure if he's awake or he's having some
form nightmare.
My heart rate is on another level.
Me: Derek.
I shake him, but he continues weeping.
Me: Derek…
I pull towards him, till my arms are
wrapped around him.
My heart can't take seeing him like this.
What will it take for him to see the light?
He cries for the longest time, till he ends
up passing out again. His quiet moans
don't stop, but he seems to be
hibernating.

INSERT 202
When I wake up in the morning, Derek is
literally covering me. I’m struggling to
breathe.
I try to move, but he’s proving to be too
heavy.
I groan and he shifts lightly.
Me: I need to pee.
He respositions and I get out of bed and
go to the bathroom. Once I’m done peeing,
I go back to the bedroom and sit on the
edge of the bed.
I check my phone and see a few missed
calls from my mother.
I send her a message, telling her I’m fine.
She responds instantly, telling me that she
will come see me today. I tell her not to
come.
I don’t want people to talk to me.
My thoughts are interrupted by Derek
pulling me in. I get back in bed and he
wraps his arms around me and passes out
again.
I don’t know how I feel.
His aura seems to have changed.
I don’t know how I feel.
***
I am awakened by Derek getting out of
bed.
I close my eyes and fall back to sleep
instantly.
***
Two more days have passed.
Yes, we’ve been in bed.
No showering, bathing or even eating. I
don’t have the energy to even lift up a
finger.
I get up to pee and find him in the
bathroom, sitting on the toilet seat.
Me: Can I pee?
He stands and watches me pee.
Thereafter, he locks the bathroom door
and I watch as he gets in the shower and
opens the water. I take off my clothes and
get in a few minutes later.
We stand there for the longest time not
doing anything, but let the water do its
job. Eventually, we clean ourselves up and
get out.
I can’t really explain the vibe- it’s silent.
It’s a hushed vibe.
As we’re lotioning ourselves, my phone
rings. I ignore it and let it ring.
He finishes up before me and walks out.
I make the bed and regret it instantly,
because I know I’m going to go back
anyway.
I check my phone and find a missed call
from an unknown number. I put down my
phone and lie on the bed.
I am awakened by Derek’s presence on
the bed. I turn, and find a plate of food on
my bedside table. My stomach
immediately growls and I sit up and take
the plate. When I look at him, he seems to
be sleeping. I get up and go to the kitchen
to warm up the food. Thereafter, I sit on a
high stool and finish the food in a few
minutes. I put the plate in the sink
alongside Derek’s plate, which he left on
the counter.
I walk back to the bedroom and get in
bed.
***
It’s now 6pm, and my body feels like it’s
going to explode, I’m burning up. I don’t
know why.
I push away the duvet and lie facing up.
Derek: You can leave if you want to…
Me: No.
Derek: My own mother and father
abandoned me. Why wouldn’t you?
I look at him, dumbstruck. Does he not
understand that I’m here, because I love
him? The reason I’m taking in all the
blows he keeps throwing at me is because
I love him. There’s no other reason,
besides the fact that I love him.
We lie there in silence for a long time.
Me: Derek, I don’t know how to support
you.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’m caught between a rock and a hard
place. I’m dealing with my depression on
one hand, and trying to stay strong for
you on the other hand. I don’t know what
to do.
I glance at him.
Me: I’m sorry for not telling you earlier. I
guess there’s no excuse for not telling
you.
I keep quiet.
He gets out of bed and walks out of the
bedroom.
I guess he’s still not ready to talk.
Just as I’m about to doze off, the door
opens and he walks to the bed and hands
me an old A5 hardcover book.
He sits next to me and I look at him in
confusion.
Derek: Open it.
I take a deep breath as I open it.
I can see his handwriting.
I browse through the pages.
This is his journal. However the
handwriting looks a tad neater compared
to his current handwriting.
I go to the first page.
My heart rate increases as I read the
many paragraphs…
I go to other pages. “I find it strange that
I’m now being referred to as Derek… I
don’t understand why they have to
change my name. I was okay with
Nkanyezi… Part of me feels like they’re
trying to erase the identify I’ve built for
myself before they came to the picture…
I’m 16 years old now. Why would they
suddenly want to change my name?...
I didn’t even realise that I was crying.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents
lately… My friends keep talking about all
the fun things they do with their parents.
Where are my parents? Why would they
drop me off at an orphanage at 6 months?
Why did they decide to throw me away
after 6 months? What did I do to them?
I’m confused. Do I even know what real
love feels like? What if I’ve bumped into
my parents, but they didn’t even
recognise me? How do they even sleep at
night knowing that they have a son out
there who’s asking himself if he can ever
receive or give true love?...”
I continue going through the entries.
“I’ve been trying to convince myself that
I’m happy. I’m not happy. Something is
wrong with me. I always have a sinking
feeling, I feel like I’m not present, I’m
floating. Will they even notice if I
disappear? Khwezi doesn’t love me. She
looks at me strangely. I’m not comfortable
around her, but that’s a story for another
day…”
I close it for a minute, while I try to gather
myself.
I open it again.
“I was with Mam’Thuli today and she
asked me how I was. She wants to know
how my new home is. She wants to know
how life is like now that I've left Twilight.
I felt a huge lump in my throat as images
of Khwezi filled my mind. I almost told
Mam’Thuli, but I know she’ll make it a big
deal. I was scared… Maybe if my mother
was here, she’d protect me… I wonder
what she’s doing right now… Does she
also love cooking like me?”
I immediately close the book and stare at
him.

INSERT 203 (Short Insert)

“So, today I met a lady called Zimkitha.
Boy, is she something… She’s my parents’
friend. I don't think I've ever met
someone like her. She has a very positive
vibe to her. For a second there, I found
myself missing someone I've never met-
my mother. Xolani says I need to stop
hoping that one day my parents will pop
out and reveal themselves… Maybe he's
right. I need to let go. My parents gave me
away for a reason. I still wonder what I
did to them…”
I continue going through the pages.
“There's definitely something wrong with
me. A huge part of me feels like what's
happening to me is not what other people
are experiencing. Why do I feel like I'm
dying a slow internal death? I can't
explain what's going through my mind
and soul. I don't feel like I'm alive. I really
feel like I'm invading my body, that I'm
not meant to be in this body. It's strange. I
find myself lost in thought most of the
time, even when I'm around people.
What's happening to me? I can't explain
what's going on. My father keeps saying
I'm going through puberty… I don't
understand. I'm sure I hit puberty a long
time ago… This is different… strange… I
can't describe it… I'm overwhelmed with
sadness. I feel like I'm suffocating.”
My heart sinks.
“I feel like no one would understand what
I'm going through. How do I even begin to
explain that I'm being haunted by
sadness? I guess it's just a phase. I'll get
over it. I have to get over it if I want to be
successful and build my own life outside
of my parents…”
I look at Derek. His eyes are closed and
he's now lying next to me.
I focus on the book again.
“Today, I feel slightly better. We're busy
packing my things, I'm getting ready to go
to university. I'm nervous and excited
about this new journey. Nervous, because
I don't know what to expect. Will I survive
without my parents being around 24/7?
Excited, because I'm finally going to be
independent. I'm a bit annoyed that my
father wants me to do Accounting. I don't
want to be stuck in an office forever. I
want to make a difference in the world.
We'll see how it goes…”
“Zimkitha is helping me find a place to
stay… I'm moving out of res, and I'm
graduating next year. I'm not happy with
Accounting. My parents insist that I won't
regret it, but I don't feel the same way… I
want to change paths, but where do I
begin? Zimkhitha mentioned something
that stuck with me. She's said I must
prioritize my happiness, and stop
stressing about what other people want
for me. I should do what makes me happy.
For someone who's always putting others
first, those words really blew me away.
Zimkitha has really helped me over the
past few years. We've become close. I feel
safe around her. I feel like she cares about
me. She's always checking on me. I've
even grown a bit close to her son, Liwa. I
find it strange that I'm more comfortable
around them than I am with my family.
Zimkhitha says I'm her family. I actually
believe her. She doesn't make me feel like
an orphan. People even say I look like
Liwa a bit… I always laugh, it really
doesn't get better than that. They always
get shocked when Dean and I are
together. It's been like that for a few
years. Apparently I look like the fool. If
only they knew how much we hate each
other. He's too obnoxious. I get along with
Liwa more. Liwa and I did get into a fight
once though… He found me hugging
Nomvuyo and freaked out. I think
something is going on between those two-
they are too close, it's weird. I had to
punch him a few times, because I can't
have him thinking he can mess around
with me. I think he has learnt a lesson-
don't start fights with me. Vuvu is
beautiful and all, but she's not my type…
She's too cold for my liking- always angry
and ready to fight.”
I look at him. I think he's asleep.
I continue reading through the pages.
“So… Dean and I had a breakthrough. I
don't really know what happened. We
were having lunch and something
switched. We just started laughing. He
says I'm stubborn. I told him he's too
arrogant. Thereafter, we talked for
hours… Felt oddly good…”
I can't help but chuckle quietly.
“I've finally accepted that this is my life. I
can't keep on praying and hoping that my
parents will come back. I'm letting go. I
don't want to be defined by other people's
decisions. I have a family now. They may
not be my biological family, but I know I
can count on them… I am going to start
living the life I know I deserve. I'm going
to stop trying to please others and just do
what makes me happy… that means I
have to come to terms with all my
experiences, more especially the horrible
ones.”
I put down the journal and go to the
bathroom.
I sit on the toilet seat for a long time,
trying to process everything I've read. I
feel like the pages I've managed to read
have made me see Derek in a different
way, a more informed way. I clearly don't
know him as much as I think I do.
He's dealing with significant hurt and
betrayal. Everything makes sense now.
Once I'm better, I walk back to the
bedroom and sit on the bed.
Before I can take the book, he pulls me
closer to him and wraps his arm around
me.
Derek: Please don't leave me.
Me: I won't.
I relax in his arms and doze off after a
while.

INSERT 204 (Unedited)

I wake him up.
I want us to talk, but I don’t know where
to start. I don’t want to overwhelm him
with questions, because I have a lot of
them. I also don’t want to breakdown,
when he clearly needs me.
He stretches and glances at me.
Derek: Stinky.
I roll my eyes and he chuckles quietly.
Derek: I haven’t seen you roll your eyes in
ages, because of your swollen eyes.
Me: I haven’t heard you speak in ages.
He looks at me without saying anything.
Me: I’ve just remembered that we have a
child.
He shakes his head lightly and groans.
He gets up and then pulls me out of bed.
He leads me to the bathroom…
Once we’re done taking a shower, we go
back to the bedroom. To be honest, I want
the bed to swallow me. My heart is too
heavy, I’m struggling.
I watch as he gets dressed.
Where is he going? He looks like he is
getting ready to leave the house.
Once he’s done, he looks at me
expectantly.
I shake my head. I want to go back to
sleep.
He takes my lotion, makes me stand, sits
on the edge of the bed, and then pulls me
so I am standing in between his legs.
I watch as he lotions me up.
Once he’s done, he helps me get dressed.
Me: Why?
He doesn’t say anything, but I know we’re
going out.
Me: I don’t want to.
He ignores me.
After a while, we make our way out.
Once we’re in the car, I take a deep breath
and look at him.
Me: Derek.
He looks at me.
Me: I’m sorry for not telling you earlier.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me,
but I hope you know that my intentions
were never malicious.
He starts the car and drives off.
***
When we get to the restaurant, he speaks
to one of the waiters and he leads us to
our table.
We go through the menu for the longest
time. I don’t know what I want to eat.
When I look up, I find him staring at me.
I focus on the menu again.
Derek: How are you?
I look up again.
Me: I should be asking you that.
He looks at me intently.
Me: I’m indifferent.
He nods lightly.
Derek: Even towards me?
I sigh.
Me: I don’t know where we stand.
However, that’s not going to stop me from
supporting you.
Derek: Did my words contribute to that?
I nod lightly. I’ve been trying my best not
to think about all the cruel things he said
to me. I’ve made up my mind regarding
our relationship, but now is not the time
to have that discussion. In the meantime,
I’ll just suck it up and see how everything
goes.
Derek: Zi?
I snap out of it and look at him.
Me: I’d rather we not talk about that.
He is silent for a few seconds.
The waiter comes and takes our orders,
then he walks off.
I look at Derek, and he is still staring at
me.
Me: What?
Derek: Nothing.
I nod and we sit in silence till our food
arrives. We continue eating in silence.
My phone suddenly rings, and it’s an
unknown number. I end the call and
switch off the phone. I’m really not in the
mood to talk to people right now.
My thoughts drift off, and I start thinking
about Dean. I know I have to check on
him. I know I have to, but I’m scared. I’ll
call Nolwazi first.
Once we’re done eating, I give the waiter
my card and pay before Derek can do
anything.
I can feel his eyes on me, but I avoid them.
The payment goes through, then I stand.
Me: Let’s go.
He stands and I lead the way to the car.
Part of me wants to go home to Liyakha,
but I know this is not the right time. Once
again, I don’t want to transfer all my
negative emotions to her.
When we get back, I put on my pyjamas
and go to the lounge. I don’t want to read
Derek’s journal, but I know I have to. It’s
been insightful.
As I’m watching TV, he comes and sits
next to me on the couch.
He takes the remote and lowers the
volume.
He looks at me.
Derek: You still haven’t answered my
question.
Me: What question?
Derek: Did my words contribute to your
indifference?
Me: I’d like you to use your empathy. If
you were in my shoes, how would you
feel?
Derek: I can’t be empathetic right now. I
don’t have it in me.
I keep quiet.
Derek: You still haven’t answered my
question.
Me: Yes, Derek. I’m indifferent.
Derek: About me?
I keep quiet and look at him.
He looks at me expectantly.
Me: I don’t want to fight with you.
Derek: I’m not fighting.
I sigh.
Me: You said some hurtful things. I feel
like you meant every word.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Because of your words, I’ve had to
question the legitimacy of our
relationship.
I sigh.
Me: I don’t want to make this about me.
Derek: Do you think I meant what I said?
I nod.
Me: I stayed because I love you. Despite
everything you said, I'm still here. That
should count for something.
Derek: You're still not answering my
question.
Me: I've answered your question. I love
you, that's why I’m here. He nods lightly
and keeps quiet for a while.
We sit in silence.
Derek: I'm sorry.
I look at him.
Derek: I didn't mean anything I said.
I don't say anything.
Derek: You don't believe me?
Me: It felt real. You meant those words.
We sit in silence for a while.
He stands and walks away.
I guess he's angry.
I increase the volume and focus on the TV.
I don't know where my relationship with
Derek lies right now. I think we need
space once everything is fine. I know for a
fact that I need space. I'm not sure if the
space will be temporary or permanent, I
guess time will tell…
My thoughts are interrupted by Derek
sitting next to me again.
I glance at him.
Derek: Take this.
He gives me what seems to be a fancier
journal compared to the ordinary A5
book he gave to me earlier.
I take the leather journal and look at him
in confusion.
Derek: Go ahead…
I open the journal.
“How could she betray me like this? How
could she look me in the eye and tell me
she loves another man, and that he is the
father of our baby? Words can't describe
the hurt I feel. I'm trying my best not to
tap into my abandonment issues, but it's
not easy. When will I have a happy
ending? It seems like my life is filled with
too many curveballs. I don't even have the
strength to write about Busi. I feel
betrayed. I'm hurt. I'm angry…” I glance at
Derek, and he's focusing on the TV.
“I'm learning the art of letting go. It's not
easy, but I'm really trying. I find myself
thinking about the plans I had with Busi.
It pains me to think people have the guts
to hurt others to this extent. I gave her my
all, yet it clearly wasn't enough. Note to
self: Try not to lose yourself in your
journey of love. Don't become a slave for
love, because life is truly unpredictable.
Just because you're ready to give your all,
it doesn't mean everyone else is.
Sometimes, people won't meet you
halfway, and that's something you have to
live with…”
I sigh.
“I've been single for a while now… It's
been an interesting journey. Dean says
we're going to die alone, but I strongly
disagree. I'm truly a sucker for love. I
admire how strong and forgiving my
heart is. I've had my fair share of
heartbreak, but it's all in the past now.
Dean on the other hand, is not even
interested in falling in love. However, I
know he's trying to pretend not to like his
coworker. He's always talking about her
and how intelligent and impressive she is.
Yawn fest. I'll wait for him to tell me he
has fallen in love with her. For now, I'll act
dumb.”
My heart aches as I think of Dean. I miss
him so much.
I continue reading the journal.
“Life has a funny way of letting me know
that it has my back… Today was quite
interesting, and I can't help but laugh…
We were in a school network meeting,
and as I was leaving, I went to check on a
friend of mine who works in the
recruitment department. He told me
there's a few teachers he's going to
interview the following day, and that a
couple of them stood out for him. He
showed me some of their online profiles,
and bam- there she was! I laughed for a
good five minutes… He asked me what
was so funny and I told him that I knew
one of them, and that she would be a
great asset to my school specifically…”
My eyes pop out as I continue reading.
I look at Derek and he is hiding a grin.
I continue reading.
“Ziyanda Dlamini. She doesn't know it yet,
but something good will definitely grow
here…”
I'm speechless.
“She's sleeping in my bed… I still can't
believe that she chose to sleepover. When
I say I've never met such a stubborn
person in my life, I'm not exaggerating.
She has nothing on Nomvuyo, who's
already too much for us. Ziyanda is
always ready to fight. She's feisty. I like
her. I like her a lot. My father and Xolani
also like her, despite knowing her for 10
minutes. She looked like she wasn't
breathing throughout my father's visit. If
only she knew that she has nothing to
worry about. She has this habit of biting
her thumb. I personally find it strange,
seeing as hands are probably the dirtiest
parts of our bodies… Anyway, she agreed
to sleepover and she has passed out. Also,
she drinks a lot… maybe she was
nervous…”
Me: Derek, really?
He looks at me innocently.
I don't know what's happening to me
right now. There's a shift.
“I told her I love her. I know I freaked her
out, but I couldn't help it- I genuinely love
her. I love her loud laugh, her soft giggles,
her gentle hands, her squeaky voice… It's
the little things she does. I don't know if
she's aware that she likes playing with my
fingers… She always starts off nervous
then she eventually relaxes in my
presence. I love analyzing her expressions
and behaviour. When she's confused, she
looks angry- like she's mad at herself for
not comprehending something. When
she's listening to someone, she looks at
them directly and doesn't even nod- it's
like she's concentrating very hard on
what is being said. I could go on and on… I
love Ziyanda…”
I am sobbing.
I look at him.
I continue reading.
“I see myself in Ziyanda. I see so much of
myself in her. She is a bruised individual.
She has went through some horrific
experiences. She's a work in progress.
She's a fighter. She loves deeply. However,
unlike me, she has faced her demons. She
had the courage to look them in the eye
and tackle them one by one. I'm a coward
compared to her, but being around her
gives me the courage to slowly break out.
It doesn't get better than this. She's a
positive influence in my life. I love her.
I've never been this motivated to tackle
my issues… We relate to each other in
deep ways, ways that even she doesn't
know. I'm struggling to let her in… I'll try
to work on myself, I have to. She deserves
someone who'll love her sincerely. I'm up
for it.”
How did he know that one day I'd doubt
his love for me, and I'd need him to
reassure me?
I am not okay right now.

INSERT 205 (Short and Unedited)

I put down the journal and look at him.
Me: I didn’t know you journalled to this
extent. He looks at me.
Me: I thought you hated journalling.
He shrugs.
Derek: I usually do it when you’re
sleeping.
I sigh.
Me: You make me look like an amatuer.
He chuckles.
Me: So, why did you give me this specific
journal?
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Derek: You’ve mentioned that you think
that I meant the words I said to you…
I nod.
Derek: I don’t remember anything I said.
Me: You don’t?
He shakes his head.
Me: Well, I do.
Derek: What did I say?
As much as I’m trying to be too hard on
him, I know I can’t, because I am exactly
like him. When I’m angry, I go all out, and
regret it later. I just don’t think I go to
such great lengths.
Derek: Zi.
I snap out of it.
Derek: What did I say?
Me: You said a lot.
Derek: How about we deal with one thing
at a time?
I stare at him.
Me: Why are you doing this? Do you want
to turn around and say I’m making this
about me?
Now, I feel a bit angry.
Me: I’m not going to sit here and allow
you to manipulate me. I know you’ll turn
around and say I’m selfish, and I think the
world revolves around me.
He looks at me intently without saying
anything.
Me: I’ll stop talking.
I huff as I reposition and focus on the TV.
Derek: Ziyanda, I asked you a question.
Me: You’ve already said enough. I don’t
want to be insulted again.
Derek: Please answer the question.
He continues looks at me softly.
I take a deep breath.
Me: You said you regret the day you met
me.
Derek: Did I?
Me: Ya.
He sighs quietly and looks at me
thoughtfully.
Derek: I may regret many things in my
life…
He stares at me intensely.
Derek: But, meeting you is definitely not
one of them.
He sighs again.
Derek: I’m not going to try to justify what
I said. I’m also not going to try to explain
myself. I know that you know what goes
through one’s mind when they are not
themselves, and what the mental
confusion leads to.
Me: It’s a pattern with you.
Derek: What else did I say?
Me: You wanted me out of the house. You
continuously made it clear that this is
your house.
He keeps quiet, because he knows I have
more to say.
Me: I don’t appreciate how you addressed
me. You said some unforgivable things.
You are the one who wanted me to move
in with you. So, every time we fight,
you’re just going to remind me that the
house is owned by you?
He doesn’t say anything.
I didn’t realise I needed to say this, but
now that I’ve started, I’m finding it very
difficult to stop.
Me: I’m not going to stay with you
anymore. I’m moving out. You always say
we’re in this together and that what’s
yours is mine… Do you now understand
why I didn’t want to let go of my financial
independence? Part of me knew that one
day you’d remind me that this is all
yours… I promise that will never happen
again.
I huff angrily.
Me: You disrespected me. In that moment,
you really put me down. Yes, I understand
that when we’re hurt, we say a lot of shit,
but you took it to another level. You
always take it to another level. When I
had the miscarriage, you blamed me and
basically dragged my name through the
mud. You brought in my mental illness
and said that I always get away with shit. I
forgave you, Derek… So, what am I
supposed to do now? Forgive you again? I
have a lot of episodes, but you don’t see
me cursing you out and saying hurtful
things. Because I’m used to my episodes, I
walk away and go to my mother, since she
knows how to deal with me. My
behaviour doesn’t offend her.
He listens as I vent.
After a long time, I stop.
Derek: Are you done?
Me: Don’t patronise me, Derek. You’ve
insulted me. I’ve never been this angry at
you. I’ve never been so disrespected in my
life!
I go on again.
After a while, I keep quiet.
He’s been staring at me since I started
talking.
We sit in silence for a long time.
I sit there and try to analyse the way I’m
feeling.
Somehow, now that I got everything off
my chest, I feel lighter.
Now, I focus on all the anger… Is it still
there? Definitely. Why am I angry? I feel
like Derek meant those words,
consequently, our relationship isn’t what I
thought it was…
Derek: Zi.
I look at him.
Derek: I’d like you to use your empathy
right now. Are you in a position to do
that?
I don’t say anything.
Derek: I just found out that Zimkitha is
my mother. She’s been in my life for
years. She watched me go through shit,
because of my lack of parents. She knew
that I needed my parents, she was there,
holding me, comforting me… She was my
fucken mother. The same person who
gave me away, gave Dean away and then
kept two kids... What was so special about
Liwa and Princess? What could a 6 month
baby possibly do to you that you’d want
to give it away? As if that was not enough,
she found a way to insert herself in my
life for her own selfishness. She was able
to sleep at night knowing that she got to
spend time with all her sons, while Dean
and I were just trying to survive. In fact,
Dean also had it easy. Do you understand
the shit I had to deal with? The abuse I
had to endure in Khwezi’s house?
My heart starts racing.
His emotions are rising again.
I’m nervous.
Derek: I was fucken molested for years,
and my mother was in my life, giving me
hugs and kisses… Do you understand how
fucked up that is?
I want to get closer to him, but I’m scared.
Derek: Every time I think about this shit, I
swear I want to kill someone. I can’t
believe this woman did this to me. I keep
thinking about all my suffering, and my
whole body goes cold.
I sigh.
Derek: And for her to hide the fact that I
had a twin is beyond fucked up.
Me: Huh??
My eyes pop out.
Derek: She didn’t tell you that Dean is my
twin? I swear everything stops moving.

INSERT 206 (Unedited)

When I wake up, I feel like I'm out of
place. The TV is now off. I look for my
phone and check the time. I've really lost
track of everything.
It's 3am.
I get up and go to the kitchen, and I find
Derek cooking. He doesn't even sense my
presence.
I clear my throat and he snaps out of it.
He smiles lightly as I walk closer to him.
Me: At this time?
Derek: I was bored.
I wrap my arms around him and bury my
head on his chest. When I feel his arms
around me, I relax.
We stand there for the longest time.
Me: I'm sorry for freaking out.
Derek: It's okay.
I sigh.
I had a panic attack after Derek told me all
those things. I couldn't help it, I was so
shocked and horrified. I still feel a bit
traumatised.
Derek: Baby, my food is going to burn.
Me: You just called me baby.
He chuckles.
Me: I don't care about your food. This is
the first time in a very long time that I feel
close to Star. A huge part of me is glad
that I stayed, because I wouldn't have
discovered all these things, and I wouldn't
have reached such emotional
developments. A small part of me is
scared. I've never had to support
someone who has gone through so much.
I don't know what to do.
Derek: Zi…
I snap out of it.
Derek: Did you even hear me?
I shake my head.
Derek: I'm sorry for attacking you.
I look up at him.
Derek: I didn't mean to-
He sighs.
Derek: Actually, I'm not going to lie and
justify my behaviour. In that moment, I
needed to lash out, and you were the
closest person. I shouldn't have lashed
out on you. I'm sorry.
I don't say anything.
Derek: I didn't mean anything I said. I
wouldn't have stayed with you if that's
how I felt. You're the most important
person in my life, I'm not even joking. I
don't regret the day I met you, that's
blasphemous.
He smiles lightly.
Derek: You make me happy. Because of
you, I now have my own family. I'm able
to build a life for my kids that I was not
afforded. You're a blessing, and I
apologise for attacking you.
We stare at each other for a while.
Derek: I've been thinking about the things
I said… I spoke to Melinda.
Me: Huh??
He chuckles.
Derek: I called her and told her
everything.
Me: Really?
Derek: I mentioned what I said to you,
and in true Melinda style, she analysed
my words and read between the lines.
Me: Utheni?
Derek: Can I focus on my food first?
I grunt and he plants a kiss on my
forehead before letting go of me.
He focuses on his pots and I make my way
to the lounge to get my phone. I miss my
mom and Little Star.
I dial her number and she answers after a
long time.
Mom: Zizi.
Me: Hey. How are you?
Mom: I'm good, love. Is everything okay?
Me: I don't know… but things are not too
bad, I guess.
Mom: How is he?
Me: Calmer. He's opening up.
Mom: That's good. How are you?
Me: I'm fine. I miss Liya.
Mom: Haike and your father has been
very attached to her. I can't even hold her
for five minutes.
I chuckle.
Me: I've been thinking about Dean.
Mom: I don't know how I feel about his
reaction.
Me: Have you seen him?
Mom: He comes here every single day.
Me: Really??
Mom: Ya. He stays here for hours and
leaves at night. I'm shocked.
Me: How is he behaving?
Mom: He hasn't changed. I think he's
trying to process this without any
disturbances. He sits with your father
outside and then helps Lwazi with her
homework. It's quite strange.
Me: I'll call him today.
Mom: Please do. He's been saying ukuthi
he misses you, but he knows you're
probably busy.
I sigh.
Mom: He’s still his usual self.
Me: Did he speak to to your husband?
Mom: Ya, they’ve been talking about this
for a while. I think Dean has been asking
for advice.
Me: Kanti don’t you ask him what they
talk about?
Mom: I don’t want to interfere. I think
your father is guiding him.
Me: Okay.
Mom: Your dad doesn’t answer my
questions. He tells me to focus on you for
now. I know he’s helping Dean figure it
out, I’m glad. I don’t know where I’d
begin. This is such a big thing.
My mom and I continue chatting for close
to an hour.
I end up giving her a brief summary of
what has happened between Derek and I.
The conversation comes to an end when
Derek comes back with a tray.
Me: Uhm, bye bye, ma.
Mom: Bye, baby. I’ll see you later on
namhlanje.
Me: Love you.
Mom: Love you too.
Me: Shap.
I end the call and look at Derek.
Derek: I’m assuming that you’re hungry.
He puts the tray on the table. It’s a big
scrumptious burger.
My stomach growls on cue.
Me: Thank you.
I take the tray and dig in. My whole body
lightens up with each bite.
I look up at him and find him staring at
me.
Me: What did Melinda say?
Derek: She says she’s going to come here
tomorrow.
Me: Really? She does housevists?
He chuckles.
Me: I’m sure if we were in Soweto, she
wouldn’t pitch.
He continues chuckling.
Me: You don’t want to talk anymore?
Derek: I’d rather not talk about my life
right now…
Me: Okay. We’ll hear from Melinda.
I focus on my food and finish the burger
very quickly.
Me: One more thing…
I look at him.
Me: We’re going to Soweto today.
He tries to say something, but I shake my
head.
Me: I miss my child.
Derek: I wasn’t protesting.
Me: Oh. Once I'm done eating, he takes the
tray and goes to the kitchen for a long
time.
It's now around 4:30.
Me: I'm not sleepy.
Derek: I am…
We go to the bedroom and get in bed. The
house is too quiet without Little Star.
She's always screaming, crying or
giggling. I really miss her. Part of me
actually wants to go home now.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Hmm?
Me: I'm sorry for not telling you.
He doesn't say anything.
Me: Still don't want to talk about it?
He shakes his head and gets closer to me.
Derek: I'm tired.
Me: Okay.
He rests his head on my chest.
He passes out within minutes…
***
We're now on our way to Soweto. I'm so
excited to see Little Star! I feel like I've
abandoned her for way too long!
Derek: I miss kissing her.
Me: Right? She's also getting chubby now.
I miss kissing her neck.
We both smile as we continue talking
about her.
Eventually, we get to my house.
Oh no. Dean is sitting outside with my
dad.
Derek parks the car and we get out.
Dad: My daughter! She's alive after all!
I didn't even realise how much I've
missed my father. As soon as I hug him, I
feel emotional, in a good way.
Once I'm done hugging him, I look at
Dean.
Nothing seems to have changed.
He smiles and opens up his arms.
Me: Dean.
Dean: Dlamz.
He wraps his arms around me and I do
the same. We hug for a long minute.
Me: Dean…
I feel like I'm dreaming. I've missed him
so much. Part of me is beyond relieved
that he's his usual self, because I don't
think I'd be able to handle another
episode of Zimkitha Fucked Up.
I feel Dean’s lips on my ear.
Dean: You can stop whispering my name
like I'm fucking you…
Me: Dean!
I let go of him and punch him lightly.
He laughs happily. I stare at him, trying to
see if he's just pretending, but there are
no signs of such. He is his usual self.
He looks at Derek and smiles.
Dean: Ya wena…
They share a hug and then Derek focuses
on my dad, who is happy to see him.
Me: Where is my child?
Dean: She is sleeping. She's also getting
fat.
Me: Are you body-shaming my baby??
He places his arm on my shoulders and
we walk inside the house.
Dean: I've missed you.
Me: How are you?
I look at him intently once we're in the
lounge.
Dean: I'm okay…
He smiles warmly.
Dean: Your father is a wise man…
I look at him weirdly and he chuckles.
Dean: I'm okay, I really am, Dlamz.
I sigh.
Just then, Lwazi walks in the house and
gives me a hug.
Me: Aren't you supposed to be in school?
Lwazi: Uncle D is taking me shopping!
Me: Haibo.
I look at Dean seriously.
Dean: Relax. The child needs a break.
Lwazi: Let's go!
Dean: Give me a few minutes with Zizi.
Lwazi: Okay!
She runs out of the house.
Me: What's happening in this house?
Where’s Lelo?
Dean: Your mom went with him to the
mall.
Me: She didn't tell me this!
Dean: Welcome to the club…
He chuckles and sits.
Just as I'm about to sit, he looks at me
seriously.
Dean: We’re not going to focus on me
right now. Not now, okay?
I sit and look at him.
Me: How are you though?
Dean: I'm okay.
Me: Okay.
Dean: Okay.
He sighs.
Dean: How is my brother?
At this point I don't think he knows that
Derek is not just his brother, but his
twin…
Me: He’s not fine.
He nods slowly.
Me: We’re going to see Melinda
today...well she's coming to us.
Dean: Good, so you're not ending things
with him?
I shrug.
Dean: He said some fucked up shit.
I don't say anything.
Dean: You'll work it out… maybe you
need space…
I look at him in shock.
Me: Are you telling me to get space? Is
this you?
He chuckles.
Dean: Sometimes, space is good.
I sigh.
Me: We’ll see…
Dean: I really missed you.
Me: Me too.
We share another hug.
Me: I have a bone to pick with you…
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: When Derek was shouting at me, he
mentioned Andile. He said I must run to
him for comfort…
Dean: Who the fuck is Andile?
Me: The Deputy Princip-
Dean: Oh… That motherfucker…
Me: Dean!
Dean: I'm the one who warned Derek
about the idiot.
Me: What do you mean??
Dean: Don't be stupid. The guy has a thing
for you.
Just as I'm about to respond, he stands.
Dean: I have places to be, and a girl to
spoil… Bye.
With that said, he walks out and leaves
me there, gobsmacked.

INSERT 207
Melinda stares at Derek coolly.
Derek: So, Ziyanda told you?
She keeps quiet.
Me: Ya, I told her.
He chuckles quietly.
Melinda: Derek, what was going through
your mind when you found out?
Derek: I was angry.
She nods lightly.
Derek: I didn't know I had it in me to be
that angry.
Melinda: Now that you've calmed down,
and thought about your actions, what do
you think made you so angry?
Derek: I'm still angry.
She nods lightly.
Derek: I feel betrayed. Zimkitha has
always been in my life. She was there
every step of the way. I fail to understand
why she remained in my life if she didn't
want me.
Melinda: Have you spoken to her since?
He shakes his head.
Melinda: You've expressed that you
would like to start individual sessions
with me.
He nods.
Derek: I have a lot of childhood trauma.
I'm shocked. I can't believe he wants to do
this. He's finally acknowledging that he's
not okay, and he hasn't been okay for the
longest time.
Melinda: It won't be an easy journey, but
I'm proud that you are taking this step.
Me: Well done.
He looks at me.
Derek: You make me want to become a
better version of myself.
Melinda smiles. I think she secretly thinks
she's my mother. I mean, she has
definitely seen me through some crazy
shit.
Melinda: That is admirable.
Derek touches my hand and brushes my
knuckles.
Melinda: Why are you here today?
Derek: I want to fix my relationship with
Zi. I've lost her trust.
Melinda: Is this true, Ziyanda?
Me: I guess…
Melinda focuses on Derek again.
Melinda: What makes you say that you've
lost her trust?
Derek: I said hurtful things to her.
Melinda nods.
Derek: I didn't mean any of the things I
said, but I also don't want it to seem like
I'm making excuses for myself.
Melinda: What did you say to her?
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Baby?
Me: Go ahead.
He sighs.
Derek: I said I regret the day I met her.
Melinda nods.
Derek: I think that's what hurt her the
most.
Melinda: Is this true, Ziyanda?
Me: Yes.
Derek: I showed her my journals from
when I was young to now… I write a lot.
Journaling helps me make sense of my
feelings. It's also a good way to just let
everything out.
Melinda: Very good… Why did you show
her your journals?
Derek: I wanted to give her more context
about myself. I also wanted to show her
how real my feelings towards her were
back then, and reassure her that nothing
has changed, besides the fact that my love
for her has grown.
He glances at me.
Derek: I apologise for attacking you.
Melinda: Ziyanda, do you believe that he
regrets the day he met you?
Me: Yes.
Derek sighs lightly.
Me: I understand that he was angry, but
those words cut deep.
Melinda: Do you truly believe that he
regrets the day he met you?
Me: In that moment, I did.
She nods and focuses on Derek again.
Melinda: What else did you say to her?
Derek: I kept telling her to leave my
house.
Melinda: Your house?
He looks down ashamedly.
She sighs.
Melinda: The psychology of ownership is
not fictitious. It definitely applies to you,
Derek.
I look at her.
I know she's about to drop bombs on us.
Melinda: Jean Piaget- a founding father of
child psychology- revealed something
profound about human nature. After
witnessing the “violent rage” shown by
babies whenever they are deprived of an
object they consider to be their own,
Piaget discovered that we develop a sense
of ownership in the early stages of life. By
the age of two, children already
understand what possessions are.
She looks at Derek softly.
Melinda: Along with the transition from
adolescence to adulthood, comes the need
to solidify our identity.The first car we
buy or the first house we purchase often
reflects our sense of self. Psychologist,
Karen Lollar, was able to put this into
perspective. She said: “The house is not
merely a possession or a structure of
unfeeling walls. It is an extension of my
physical body and my sense of self that
reflects who I was, am, and want to be.”
She continues looking at Derek.
Melinda: You are attached to your
possessions. They make you feel
accomplished.
Derek doesn't say anything.
Melinda: Your traumatic past and
abandonment issues have led you to have
a dysfunctional relationship with your
possessions. Growing up, you didn't feel
like you owned your life. You had no
control over many things, things that
made you who you are today. As a result,
you developed an unhealthy relationship
with your belongings. They formed part
of your identity. You worked hard, just to
ensure that no one had control over you.
Melinda looks at me.
Melinda: Derek’s breakdown had nothing
to do with you.
I don't say anything.
Melinda: He was triggered. In that
moment, he felt like he had no control
over his existence. He realised that, in a
way, Zimkitha was the puppet master. She
made a lot of decisions that had an impact
on his life.
She looks at me softly.
Melinda: That outburst was a result of
emotional and mental distress. He
realised that he was living a lie. His life
was shaped by other people's decisions.
We sit in silence for a while. She usually
does this when she wants us to process
what she has said.
Melinda: I think I need to speak to Derek
more. I also need some background
knowledge, so I can make an informed
hypothesis. However, the psychology of
ownership explains why he suddenly felt
the need to remind you and himself that
the house belonged to him. His
possessions are the only things he has
control over.
Me: I'm not going to stay in that house.
Derek looks at me sharply.
Me: I hear you telling me all these things
about ownership, but I'll never feel
comfortable in that house ever again. He
doesn't have to tell me again that the
house belongs to him. I fully get it.
Derek: I didn't mean it, Zi.
I shake my head.
Me: What happens when we fight again?
You will remind me again that everything
belongs to you? I'm not having that. I
refuse.
Melinda: That's understandable, however,
I want to emphasize that it was not about
you.
I shrug.
Me: I personally think that once this
whole thing has settled, we should get
some space.
Melinda: You want space?
Me: I do. I need the space. I just want to be
alone somewhere for a while. I want to
take time away to truly process what has
happened. I need the space.
Melinda: What is the status of your
relationship?
Me: I love Derek, that hasn't changed. I'm
here because I love him. I'll never stop
supporting him.
Derek: You want to end things with me?
Melinda: She says she needs space to
process what has happened.
Derek keeps quiet.
Melinda: How do you feel about this?
Derek: I'm hurt. She obviously doesn't
want to be with me anymore.
I look at him and instantly feel like he's
going to start attacking me. I shouldn't
have said all these things. I should have
waited for him to be in a more stable
state.
Derek: If I'm able to look past the fact that
she knew about this shit, what's stopping
her from doing the same?
My heart rate increases.
Derek: She knew that Zimkitha was my
mother. She knew for over a year, yet she
didn't tell me anything. How am I
supposed to trust her?
Melinda: Are you angry that she didn't tell
you?
Derek: Of course I'm angry. She was
supposed to tell me. I don't understand
how she was able to pretend as if she
didn't know.
Melinda nods.
Derek: I don't trust her.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: But, I'm willing to move past all of
that. Part of me is still able to rationalize
her actions. I know that her intention
wasn't malicious. I'm willing to move on,
and work on rebuilding our trust. Why
can't you do the same? Do you really
believe that I regret the day I met you,
Ziyanda? Really?
I don't say anything.
Derek: I'm also angry at you. You should
have told me as soon as you found out. As
much as you say it wasn't your secret to
tell, it also wasn't your secret to keep.
He looks at me.
Derek: But here I am, willing to look past
it, because I understand you. I understand
that you were caught between a rock and
a hard place. If I'm able to rationalize all
of this, why can't you? Why can't you
understand that in that moment, my
world came crashing down and I lost
track of everything?
He sighs.
Derek: I love you. If you need space, then
you can do as you please. I don't want you
to leave me, but I'm also not going to hold
you captive.
We sit in silence for a long time.
Melinda: Space doesn't have to be a
negative thing. Taking space is not the
same as running away. Running away is
cutting the cord of the relationship. It’s a
form of emotional disconnection, whereas
taking space is a way of connecting
through the distance. She looks at us.
Melinda: Space includes the element of
privacy. People want time for themselves.
When one of you says you need some
space, what type of space are you asking
for? Creative space? Quiet space?
Working space? Emotional space? Fun
space? Away space? Financial space?
She looks at Derek.
Melinda: It is always good to have time for
yourself, to think things through, have
conversations with yourself, and re-
energize. Wanting or needing space in
your relationship is okay. It doesn't mean
that your relationship is in trouble.
She looks at me.
Melinda: Do you still want to be with
Derek?
I nod.
Melinda: Define what type of space you
need. Be specific and be honest.
Me: I need some time away from him and
everyone. I just want to process all of this
by myself. I'm drained right now.
Melinda: And, I always tell you that you
can't fill up other people's cups if your
cup is empty. I'm glad that you
acknowledge that you're running low on
strength and energy.
She looks at Derek.
Melinda: Just like you don't want Ziyanda
to take any of the things you said
personally, you also shouldn't take her
need for space personally. She still wants
to be with you. She has identified that she
can't support you right now, because she
is drained. Are you acknowledging this?
He sighs and nods lightly.
Me: I just want to alienate myself until I'm
fine. Derek: You don't want to leave me?
I shake my head.
I know he'll be triggered if I don't
reassure him.
Melinda must tackle his abandonment
issues very soon.
Melinda: How do you feel, Derek?
Derek: I respect her decision. I sigh in
relief.
Derek: But, I need you right now. I can't
go through this by myself.
Me: That's why I'm here, Ngidi. I'm not
going to leave you while you're down. I'm
not that fucked up.
He smiles lightly and looks at me shyly.
Melinda: It's going to be a long journey…
However, I'm hopeful.

INSERT 208
Derek: How is Dean?
Me: He says he's fine, but he's not.
He nods lightly.
Me: Are you avoiding him?
Derek: I'm not ready to interact with him.
I'm also giving him space to deal with this
his own way.
Me: You seem to be more comfortable
with giving other people space…
Derek: Ziyanda…
Me: I'm just saying…
We continue chatting as he drives back to
the house. We decided to go to Melinda
instead of her coming over. I'm used to
having my sessions at her practice, not
these house visits.
When we get home, we take a shower and
go straight to bed.
Derek: So, where are you planning on
going?
Me: Cape Town.
He nods.
Derek: Once again, I'm sorry for the result
of my words. I really am sorry. Before I
can speak, he gets closer to me and plants
a kiss on my lips. My whole body tenses
up. I haven't been intimate with Derek in
a long time, my body is puzzled.
He smiles as he continues kissing me. As
much as I try not to do this, I fail dismally.
My body seems to be responding.
He gets on top of me and looks at me.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
He sighs lightly.
Me: We've done enough talking.
He smiles as he kisses me again and I
respond.
I think there's definitely a disconnect
between Derek and I, an emotional and
physical disconnection. It's going to take a
lot for us to go back to how we used to be,
that's why I need space. I want to re-
evaluate our relationship, and rediscover
my love for him. This whole experience
has really traumatised me. I've never
been through such with another person.
My mind, body and soul is in a state of
shock. I just want to lick my wounds in
peace.
Now, the physical disconnection is from a
lack of intimacy. Derek and I love having
sex with each other. We enjoy the
proximity of it. Ever since I left the house
and had my episode, we haven't been
physically intimate.
Derek: Zi…
As usual, I'm crying.
It's always a big deal when I'm this close
to Derek. I'm physically attracted to him,
so whenever I experience physical
distance and we eventually reconnect, it's
always a deep moment. My body switches
on. It always feels at home when it's close
to Derek.
Derek: Baby…
I eventually calm down and rest my head
on his chest.
He already knows the drill. He caresses
me and allows me to drown in my
feelings.
After a while, I put up my head and look
at him.
Me: I really do love you, Derek.
Derek: I know.
Me: I'm not running away from you.
He nods lightly.
I rest my head on his chest again and he
continues caressing me while planting
kisses on my forehead once in a while.
***
It's been a few days since Derek and I
went to see Melinda. Derek has been
seeing her daily.
As I'm cleaning the house, my phone
rings.
It's Nomvuyo.
I answer it.
Me: Hello.
Nomvuyo: Oh, hi…
Me: Hi.
Nomvuyo: How are you?
Me: Fine.
Nomvuyo: I can't take this! Stop being
mad at me!
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: Open the gate or else I'll jump
in!
I end the call and buzz her in.
Thank God Derek is not here.
After a while, she walks in.
Before I can even say anything, she’s
already throwing herself at me.
Nomvuyo: I can't take this! I'm sorry!
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: I'm so sorry for abandoning
you! Liwa had a breakdown and I had to
take him to hospital!
Me: Breakdown?
She lets go me.
Nomvuyo: You have to forgive me!
I stare at him.
Me: Cook for me first.
She smiles and hugs me again.
Nomvuyo: On it!
She goes to the kitchen and does her
thing, while I clean up around the house.
After a while, she comes back.
Me: Liwa had a breakdown?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: He’s been in a psychiatric clinic
for over a week now.
Me: What??
She nods sadly.
Nomvuyo: I may have underestimated the
magnitude of this whole thing.
I sigh.
Nomvuyo: He’s getting the help he needs.
Me: Where is Zimkitha?
She looks at me nervously.
Me: Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: In the house… well she's
always with Liwa...
Me: Wow.
Nomvuyo: Zi-
I shake my head.
Me: I'm not even surprised.
Nomvuyo: Zi, I'm the one who's been
telling her to keep the distance for now.
Me: What??
Before I can continue, she takes my hand
and makes me sit.
Nomvuyo: Believe me, I'm doing this for
everyone.
Me: She is supposed to take responsibility
for her actions! Hiding won't solve
anything!
She shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: She needs to give them space
to process the truth, even though she's
not the one who told them and she's the
cause of it all.
I look at her.
Nomvuyo: Things would have been worse
if she was around. Dean and Derek need
to process this their own way, before they
address her.
Me: Why are you protecting this woman?
She sighs.
Me: She is the adult here. She mustn't act
like a child. Derek and Dean have every
right to be pissed at her.
Nomvuyo: I know. However, I'm trying to
prevent an explosive situation.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: I know her actions seem selfish
right now. I'm also pissed at her.
However, she had her reasons.
Me: I can't believe this.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda-
Me: Listen, I'm not angry. I'm shocked
more than anything. She looks at me.
Me: I don't have the energy to be angry.
I'm also not going to make this my issue
anymore. People must take responsibility
for their actions. I've already done that
with Derek, and that's all that matters to
me. I'm going to support him and Dean.
I'm not going to run after Zimkitha, telling
her what to do. I won't do that. You are
her daughter. You know her more than us.
Do as you please.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: She’ll reach out to them. She
wants to reach out to them.
I shrug.
Me: Do you, Nomvuyo.
Just then, we hear footsteps.
I hope it's not Derek. I can't have him
going off on Nomvuyo.
Whoa.
It's Dean.
I forgot he has access to this house.
Dean: It smells good in here.
Nomvuyo is a nervous mess.
Dean: Vuvu, you've been MIA.
Nomvuyo: Uhm, hi…
Dean: I'm starving.
Nomvuyo: The food is not ready yet.
He nods and looks at me.
Dean: Ya wena.
Me: Ya nawe.
He chuckles.
Dean: Nomvuyo, where is my mother?
Nomvuyo and I look at him in shock.
Dean: Hello? Anybody home?
Nomvuyo clears her throat.
Nomvuyo: Uhm, she around.
Dean laughs and sits opposite me.
Dean: Around?
Nomvuyo: Liwa’s in a psychiatric clinic.
Dean: Hmm… We have a lot of crazies in
this family, don't we?
We don't say anything.
Nomvuyo stands.
Nomvuyo: Let me check the food.
As she's walking, Dean clears his throat.
Dean: I'm hosting lunch tomorrow… As
usual, everyone should be there.
Nomvuyo turns to look at him.
Dean: Everyone.
With that said, he takes the remote and
switches on the TV coolly.
Nomvuyo and I look at him, flabbergasted.

INSERT 209 (Unedited)

It's now around 6pm.
Derek just got back from his session with
Melinda.
Derek: What are you doing?
Me: I'm trying to bake.
He laughs.
Me: I'm craving a carrot cake.
Derek: Manje why didn't you tell me? I
would have bought it for you.
I shake my head.
Me: I want to bake it!
Derek: Okay, I won't distur-
Me: Don't leave me here! I need your
help!
He continues laughing.
Derek: Let me take a quick shower.
Me: Hmkay.
He gives me a kiss before he walks away.
***
While the cake is in the oven, we go to the
bar.
Me: Langa was here.
Derek: Really?
Me: And Nomvuyo.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Me: Nomvuyo was apologising for
disappearing.
Derek: You forgive her?
I shrug.
Derek: What did Dean say?
Me: He is hosting lunch tomorrow.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: He wants everyone there.
He laughs quietly.
Me: Nomvuyo says Liwa is in a psychiatric
clinic.
He keeps quiet and I stare at him. He
takes a sip of his whiskey.
Me: How do you feel about this whole
thing?
He takes a deep breath.
Derek: Melinda says I shouldn't force
myself to understand this situation.
Me: You're not in that space?
He shrugs.
Derek: I just want to work on myself-
that's my main focus.
Me: I don't expect you to have it all
figured out right now. This is going to
take time.
Derek: But, I'm interested in this lunch
that Dean is hosting. We'll see how it goes.
Me: We’re going?
Derek: We have to be there for Dean. I
don't know what's going through his
mind. He's way too calm.
Me: I thought you were the one who was
going to react calmly. You two never
cease to amaze me.
Derek: Really? I'm a firecracker, Ziyanda.
Me: Hai, I always praise your EQ.
He chuckles.
Derek: I also thought I had a high EQ, but
this shit threw me off. I wasn't ready for
this. He pours himself more whiskey and
pours me more wine.
Derek: You know, I've always been
ashamed of my experiences…
Me: Anything specific?
Derek: The sexual assault…
Me: Was it a one-time thing?
He chuckles.
Derek: I was basically Khwezi’s toy.
I swear I want to vomit.
Derek: How did you move past your
sexual assault?
I sigh.
Me: Melinda made me realise that I'm not
a victim, I'm a survivor. I accepted that it
happened, and I prayed about it. It took
everything in me to not blame myself. I
realised that none of it was my fault. I
couldn't carry it anymore, because it was
killing me. I cried, I tried committing
suicide, I laughed, I yelled, then I accepted
it. I accepted every single thing about my
assault. I fully accepted it.
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Me: I understand what you're going
through. Society tends to alienate people
like us. People don't understand us. On
the one hand, they have these campaigns
to support us, and on the other hand, they
silence us and make us feel bad for being
open about our struggles. It's not easy. I
think it's worse for you, because you’re a
man. There aren't any campaigns
supporting or educating us about men
who are abused.
Derek: It's a struggle. It's a real struggle.
As a man, I'm supposed to be strong. I
can't be seen weak or vulnerable,
otherwise my manhood is questioned.
I nod.
Derek: I've had to suck it up and suppress
it.
Me: You don't have to anymore. You need
to live your truth. Stop assuming that the
people around you are going to judge you.
If you do come across judgemental
people, then it's not a You Problem.
He smiles lightly.
Derek: I never thought I'd be having such
a conversation with anyone.
Me: Like you wrote in your journal, you
and I have a lot in common. We are
similar in many ways. We're able to
practise empathy, because we've been
through a shitload. I'll never judge you.
He pulls me closer and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: And you think I regret meeting
you?
He smiles warmly and I smile back at him.
Me: Stop trying to butter me up.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
Derek: I understand why you worship
Melinda.
Me: She is amazing! I don't like white
people, but that woman is the shit.
He laughs.
Derek: Have you forgotten about your
cake?
Me: Derek!
I let go of him and rush to the kitchen. As
soon as I open the oven, the smoke
escapes. I open the windows and door.
My cake is now pitch black. It looks like a
brick.
Me: Derek, fuck you!
He laughs loudly.
Derek: What did I do??
Me: You distracted me!
I groan as I look at my cake.
Derek: I'll go buy you a carrot cake. He
walks away and I clean up the mess.
***
As we're driving to Dean's place, I keep
praying that everything goes well. I can't
handle more breakdowns.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Derek: I'm going back to work next week.
Me: Do you feel ready?
He nods.
Me: Okay.
Derek: You can leave next week… I've
booked your flights and accommodation.
Me: Huh?
Derek: You said you want to go to Cape
Town.
Me: I was going to do that myself.
Derek: I beat you to it.
Me: Der-
Derek: I'm not going to have an argument
with you. I told you I didn't mean all that
shit I said. What do you want me to do?
Stop taking care of you?
I don't even know what to say.
Derek: Your flights are booked. Your
accommodation is sorted.
Me: Thanks.
Derek: It's always a pleasure.
He flashes a smile before focusing on the
road.
Me: I guess I have to find another job,
seeing as Andile is a problem.
Derek: Dean is the one that told me that
nonsense. I don't see Andile as a threat.
I look at him in disbelief.
Derek: I'm not that insecure. Andile
doesn't affect me. He also knows not to
mess with me, so I doubt he'd make a
move.
I am speechless.
Me: Yazi you are just like Hulk.
He laughs.
Me: You cause destruction then you snap
out of it and don't remember a thing.
Dean: Great comparison. Hulk is a good
guy. I'm a good guy.
I shake my head and he continues
laughing.
***
We finally get to Dean and Nolwazi’s
house.
I want to talk to Nolwazi. I want to find
out what she thinks about all of this.
Dean: Look what the wind blew in…
Derek: We need to talk.
Dean: You don't say…
Derek leads the way to Dean's study.
I look at Nolwazi.
Me: What the hell is going on with him?
Nolwazi: I thought he was in denial at
first, but I'm starting to realise that he is
genuinely fine.
Me: Really??
She nods.
Nolwazi: Your father has been helping
him out.
I shake my head. He's too calm.
It's a bit strange.
Nolwazi: He invited everyone.
Me: Even Gabi and them?
She shakes her head.
Nolwazi: Liwa, Vuvu and Zimkitha.
I sigh heavily.
Me: I don't think this is a good idea. We
need someone professional to mediate.
Nolwazi: I agree with you.
Me: Also, how is Liwa going to come? Isn't
he in a clinic?
Nolwazi: Dean made it clear that he wants
everyone here.
Nolwazi goes to the kitchen and I decide
to play with the megabytes.
After a long time, Dean and Derek come
back.
Now that I know that they're twins, I get
creeped out by them.
I stare at them as they stand there,
looking at me.
They look so much alike.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I snap out of it.
Dean: I need you to do me a favour.
Me: What?
Dean: Don’t beat up anyone.
Me: You mean Zimkitha? I can't make any
promises.
He laughs. Derek shakes his head lightly.
Just then, we hear footsteps.
Nomvuyo and Liwa walk in.
Liwa looks sick. He looks fragile.
Dean: Yaas!
Really?? And, I'm supposed to be
convinced that this person is fine??
Dean: You know where the bar is…. You
both look like you need strong drinks.
Liwa’s eyes land on me and I look away.
Derek sits next to me and picks up Simo.
A few minutes later, we hear footsteps
again.
Zimkitha.
She's alive after all.
As I'm processing her presence, Lindelwa
walks in, and she is followed by Khwezi
and Senior.
Why do I want to run away?
Dean: Zi, call your parents and find out
how far they are.
Me: Huh??
He looks at me softly.
Dean: Call your mother.
I find myself doing as I'm told.
My stomach is in knots.
INSERT 210 (Unedited)
I am shitting my pants.
I don't know how I feel, it's a mixture of
emotions.
I feel Derek's hand on mine and I snap out
of it.
Derek: Let's go outside.
We walk out of the house and make our
way to the empty side of the yard.
We hold hands.
Me: How are you?
Derek: Indifferent. You?
I look at him.
Me: I don't think I'm ready to face these
women.
He chuckles.
Derek: The old lady gang.
I think of Khwezi and I feel my heart rate
increase.
Derek: Baby.
I feel his warm hands on my face.
Derek: Breathe…
I look at him.
Me: I hate them.
Derek: This is where my EQ will come in
handy. Let's not allow our emotions to
take over.
Me: I never claimed to have a high EQ.
He smiles and plants a kiss on my lips.
Our faces touch for a long time.
Me: Can’t we go back home?
Derek: You want to leave? He looks at me
seriously.
I shrug.
Me: I'm suddenly constipated.
He kisses me again
Derek: We can leave if you want to.
Me: Like you always say, it's not about
me.
He wraps his arms around me and I relax
in his arms.
Derek: You said you want to go home…
I look at him in confusion.
Derek: You didn't refer to it as my house.
I roll my eyes and he laughs.
Derek: You can roll them all you want…
I nuzzle my head on his neck.
Me: What did you say to Dean?
Derek: I was checking in.
I keep quiet.
Derek: He assured me that he's fine.
Me: Do you believe him?
He shrugs.
Derek: The Dean that I know would first
punch a few people before settling down.
Me: Well, he can't exactly punch the old
lady gang.
He laughs
Derek: They really fucked up.
Me: Are you willing to hear them out?
Derek: I'm numb.
I kiss his neck and look at him.
Me: I'm here.
Derek: I know.
He smiles and we share a kiss.
Derek: You mean the world to me.
I smile.
Me: I tend to have that effect on people.
Derek: Haike.
I kiss him.
Someone clears their throat and we stop.
It's Nomvuyo.
She looks at Derek nervously.
Nomvuyo: Hey.
Derek: Hi.
Nomvuyo: Uhm, we’re about to start.
Derek and I look at her and don't say
anything.
She walks away like a little girl.
We laugh lightly.
Me: Everyone is scared of you.
Derek: As they should.
Nolwazi rushes to us.
Nolwazi: Guys, I don't think I've ever been
this unsettled in my entire life!
She looks at me.
Nolwazi: How am I supposed to act??
Me: I don't know.
Derek: None of this is about you. All you
need to do is hold us back when things get
heated.
I look at him in shock and he laughs.
Derek: I'm just joking. I also don't know
what the agenda is. Dean better have a
plan.
Nolwazi: Zizi, your parents have arrived.
Me: Even my dad?
She nods.
I immediately relax.
I feel safer. I trust them.
Nolwazi: Let's go.
Derek leads the way and Nolwazi takes
my hand.
Nolwazi: You see why I didn't like Vuvu?
Shady motherfuckers.
Me: Lwazi!
She pouts and eyes me.
Nolwazi: My heart is beating so fast.
Derek stops and we catch up to him. He
takes my hand and we walk to the other
side of the yard.
A very big circular table has been set up
by the pool.
People are already sitting down.
Nomvuyo is sitting next to Liwa. Liwa is
sitting next to Khwezi. Khwezi is sitting
next to Senior. Senior is sitting next to
Lindelwa. Lindelwa is sitting next to my
mother. My mother is sitting next to my
father. The seat next to my father is
empty. My mom smiles when she sees us.
Mom: Hello, Yanda.
She stands and we share a warm hug. She
kisses me.
Dad: You're losing weight…
Me: Hello to you too.
We share a hug.
Mom: Nkanyezi sthandwa sami.
Nkanyezi smiles warmly as he hugs my
mother, looking like a little boy.
Just as I'm about to sit next to my father,
someone stops me.
Dean: Sisi there's plenty of space. Don't
come for me.
Dad: Hai kabi, Zi. Dean is my long lost
son…
Really?
Is this an appropriate thing to say
considering why we are all here?
Dean laughs as he sits next to my father.
I don't think this sitting arrangement is
going to work.
There are four seats left.
Nolwazi is going to sit next to Dean
obviously.
Derek is already seated. If I sit here, then
that means the empty seat next to me is
Zimkitha’s (who's going to sit next to
Nomvuyo).
Why do I have to be next to Zimkitha?
She emerges and walks to the table.
She looks like she's mourning.
Nomvuyo quickly stands and makes her
sit next to Liwa. Nomvuyo then sits next
to me.
That's better.
Dean is looking at me amusingly. The
idiot is finding this funny.
I look at Lindelwa.
I haven't really hung out with her, but I do
know that she's one of those sweet, quiet
and humble women.
Right now, she can't even look up. She’s
busy fidgeting with her fingers.
I look over at Khwezi, and the old bitch is
staring at me. I swear Petty pops out of
nowhere and grabs a chair.
Khwezi, as usual, looks like she wants to
kill me.
Senior looks disappointed.
Liwa… I've ever seen him like this… How
did they even get him admitted?
I refuse to look at Zimkitha.
Nolwazi brings herself a bottle of
champagne and sits next to Dean.
Everyone is here.
Derek rests his arm on my chair.
I glance at him, and he's expressionless. It
is clear that he doesn't want anyone to
address him.
His Resting Bitch Face is out to play.
Nolwazi pours herself some champagne
and glances at me. I nod and she pours me
some as well.
Dean clears his throat and stands.
Dean: Good afternoon, everyone.
No one responds.
He rubs his chin thoughtfully and smiles.
Dean: I knew you'd all be rigid…
He looks around and smiles.
Dean: I don't know if you've seen Derek
and Ziyanda in action, but whenever
they're about to teach, they usually do
icebreakers with the kids… I'm struggling
to breathe.
What's happening?
Dean: So, we’ll also have our special
icebreaker… We’re going to have a very
educational and long afternoon, so we
have to wake our brains up.
He looks around.
Dean: Ziyanda loves quizzes, so we'll also
have a quiz…
What is Dean up to?
Dean: I only have one rule.
He stares at us.
Dean: You all have to participate…
He glances at us one by one very
seriously.
Dean: Otherwise, there'll be
consequences.
He smiles warmly.
Dean: We all understand?
The tension.
The fucken tension.
Dean: Hmkay… First question.
He smiles.
Dean: How do you define family?
There's silence as we all stare at him.
I finish my champagne and try to catch
my breath.
Fuck shit.
INSERT 211
We are all staring at Dean, hoping that
this is all a joke.
Dean: I asked a question.
He looks around.
His eyes land on me.
Dean: Ziyanda?
No, he can't be picking on me right now!
I feel Derek's hand on my thigh and I look
at him. I find him staring at me calmly. I
look back at Dean.
Dean: Ziyanda, answer my question.
Nolwazi gives me more champagne.
Dean stares at me softly.
I clear my throat and look at my parents.
They also look calm.
Me: I think the definition of family is
subjective.
Dean: Elaborate.
Me: We all have different definitions.
I don't know what he wants me to say. I
don't want to be the focus here. I want to
be excluded from everything.
He stares at me, and I hope he can get a
sense of what I'm thinking.
Dean: We all have different definitions?
I nod.
Dean: Then, we should go around the
table and get an idea of how everyone
defines family.
I groan quietly.
The tension is too much. I finally gather
up the courage to look around the table.
You would swear that someone died.
Lindelwa clears her throat and we all
stare at her.
Lindelwa: I define family as someone that
loves you and wants the best for you at all
times. This person doesn't have to be
biologically related to you.
Dean looks at her. I'm trying to see if he'll
break, but he's still the same.
Dean: Next.
There's silence for close to five minutes.
My mom clears her throat.
Mom: Can I?
Dean smiles.
Dean: Of course, ma.
I look at Lindelwa, and she's staring at my
mother. I think she's trying to figure out
who the hell she is, and why Dean seems
to like her so much.
Mom: Well, I happen to agree with your
mother, Langelihle.
Lindelwa’s expression changes. She looks
at my mother a bit softer.
Mom: Family is a person or people you
call home. A home is not a house, it's the
people we love, the people we trust and
depend on.
She looks at me and smiles.
Mom: That's my definition of family.
Dad: I couldn't agree more.
Dean looks at my father like he idolizes
him.
Dad: I think we should approach this
matter maturely.
My dad looks at him knowingly. He knows
that Dean is trying to be petty.
My dad looks around.
Dad: There’s no use trying to beat around
the bush. We all know why everyone is
her-
Khwezi: Who the hell are you?
Just as I'm about say something, my dad
looks at Khwezi warmly.
Dad: My apologies for not introducing
myself.
Dean: You don't need to introduce
yourself. All the relevant people know
you.
Yoh.
My dad looks at Dean sharply, he clearly
disagrees with Dean's approach right
now.
Dad: I am Ziyanda’s father.
Khwezi looks at my father disgustingly.
Mom: How about you introduce yourself
as well, because my husband hasn't had
the pleasure of meeting you.
Is my mom being petty? She knows
Khwezi can’t refer to herself as Derek’s
mother right now. Khwezi will be tongue-
tied.
Khwezi grunts.
Dad: Now, as I was saying, we need to
approach this maturely.
Nolwazi pours water for Dean.
Dad: I personally do not think that this is
the right way to unpack everything, but
now that we are here, we should try by all
means to remember that we are all
human, and we have a lot of
imperfections.
There's silence once again.
Dad: Zimkitha, do you have anything to
say?
There's silence. Zimkitha has been
looking down since she got here.
Dad: I think you are all here, because you
want to find a way forward. It took
courage for all of you to come here and
face your demons.
There's silence.
Dean: Mama.
Lindelwa: Yes, son.
Dean: What's going on?
We all look at Dean.
He seems down.
Lindelwa: I would have loved to have a
private conversation with you, but I
understand that this is the way you want
it.
Dean: Private conversations will enable
people to not tell the whole truth.
Lindelwa nods.
Lindelwa: I understand.
She takes a deep breath and looks at Dean
softly.
Lindelwa: It's true that I'm not your
biological mother.
Dean looks at her expressionlessly.
Lindelwa: Zimkitha gave birth to you. You
are her first born.
I glance at Derek.
Lindelwa: Derek was born a minute later,
then Li-
Dean: What?
Lindelwa looks at him strangely. She is
obviously under the impression that Dean
knows everything.
Dean: Derek was born a minute later?
What does that mean?
Lindelwa: I- I thought you knew...
Dean looks at Derek.
Dean: Are we twins?
Nolwazi’s eyes are wide open.
Dean: We’re twins?
Lindelwa: Yes.
Dean looks around.
It's silent.
Within a minute, his loud laugh has filled
the space.
My heart breaks for him.
I've come to accept that this is his way of
taking in information.
We all watch as he laughs for a few
minutes.
Once he's done, he stands and looks at
everyone.
Dean: Wow…
He chuckles.
Dean: Excuse me…
He continues chuckling as he makes his
way inside the house.
We sit in silence.
Nolwazi: I'm worried about him…
Mom: Go check on him.
Nolwazi stands and walks away.
I look at Derek and he nods.
I also stand and walk away.
When I walk in the bar area, I find
Nolwazi standing a few steps from Dean,
who's sitting on a high stool, drinking
whiskey from the bottle.
Nolwazi is scared of stepping closer.
We look at each other nervously.
I take a deep breath and step closer to
him.
Me: Dean…
He doesn't say anything.
I sit on the high stool next to him.
Me: Look on the bright side, you and
Derek can finally explain your weird
connection…
He glances at me.
I can't read him.
Me: I must say though that despite being
twins, Star is still the most attractive one
between the two of you.
God, I know my jokes are dry right now,
but what else can I do? I don't want Dean
to act crazy. I won't be able to handle that.
He chuckles quietly.
Me: Come on, I know your life is fucked up
right now, but you can't let it bring you
down…
Dean: Do you know what I want to do
right now?
I shake my head.
Me: Tell me.
I thought I knew Dean, but this whole
experience has shown me another layer
of him. I have deep respect for Dean. His
self-control is super saiyan.
He finishes his whiskey.
Dean: I don't want to traumatise you. You
seem to be handling your mess quite
badly. You look a hot mess.
Me: Dean!
He chuckles.
Dean: You look sick.
I huff as he continues making fun of me.
Listen, if this makes him feel better, then
so be it. He can diss me all day, I'll take it.
He turns and looks at Nolwazi.
She really is nervous.
I think the realest thing she has had to
deal with in life is Kwanele’s epileptic
attacks, otherwise she has lived a
sheltered life.
Dean: I won't bite.
Nolwazi: I don't know what to do.
She genuinely looks defeated.
Dean: Well, you can start by giving me a
hug…
She steps closer to him and once she's
standing between his legs, he wraps his
arms around her waist and she does the
same around his neck.
I find myself smiling.
I rarely get to see the vulnerable side of
Dean.
Nolwazi: I'm worried about you. I feel like
you're trying to convince yourself that
you're fine.
Dean: I am fine.
He plants a kiss on her lips.
Dean: I don't want to be consumed by
anger. I won't be able to leave that mental
state, if I allow myself to go there. I just
want to understand why this happened. I
want them to explain why they did this.
I must admit that a part of me wishes
Derek had reacted this way. Nolwazi is
out here getting hugs, while I was verbally
attacked left, right and centre.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I snap out of it.
He looks at me seriously.
Dean: I didn't go through what Derek
went through. I grew up being loved by
my mother. You can't compare our
reactions.
Me: What? I didn't say anything.
Dean: I've figured out how your mind
works.
I roll my eyes.
Nolwazi: Are you ready to go back?
Dean shrugs.
Me: I'd rather stay here.
I mean that with every part of me.
I feel like I'm on the brink of fainting- I'm
lightheaded.
Nolwazi: Zi.
Me: You can go, guys. I need a few more
minutes away from the tension.
We hear footsteps and I immediately
know it's Derek. His cologne has filled the
space.
Derek: Everything okay?
I feel his hand on my shoulder.
Derek: Baby?
Dean: I think she's about to have one of
her freaking out moments.
Me: Not funny.
I look at Derek and see the concern in his
face.
Me: I just need a few minutes.
He removes his hand from me. He knows I
need literal space when my anxiety starts.
Dean: What is goi-
Derek: Just get the fuck out of here. The
last thing she needs to deal with is your
loud mouth.
Dean: Is that how you talk to your older
brother? Is that what people do
nowadays?
Derek doesn't respond.
Dean: You seem to have forgotten what
one of punches can do to you…
Derek: Likewise…
I don't know if they're joking or they're
being serious.
This is a lot.
Derek: Baby. Let's go home.
I look at him sharply.
Derek: I don't want to be here. I don't
want to talk to these people. This was
Dean's stupid idea.
Me: No, you have to stay.
Derek: No, I don't. I don't owe them
anything.
Me: You owe it to yourself to know the
whole truth.
I take a deep breath and look at them.
Me: Let's go.
I'm not going to lie, I can't wait for all of
this to be over, so I can leave… I need to
leave…
Derek wants to hold me, but he knows he
can't. I don't want to feel suffocated.
We all walk out again and everyone looks
at us as we sit.
Dean: Alright, let's cut the bullshit.
Zimkitha, start speaking.
He tightens his jaw.
Dean: Before I act out of character...

INSERT 212
Something tells me that this is deeper
than I thought.
Zimkitha is always so open to talk, but
this whole thing has pulled her towards
herself- it’s so strange to witness.
I’m trying to wrap my head around her
silence. When she clears her throat, we all
stare at her.
Zimkitha: I’d like to talk to the boys
privately.
I sigh.
I’m glad I won’t be part of that
conversation.
Dad: You have every right to ask for
privacy. We will excuse you-
Dean: Privacy for what?
Dad: Langelihle.
Dean looks at my dad.
Dad: Remember what we spoke about…
Dean stands.
Dean: Let’s go inside.
Zimkitha takes Liwa’s hand and they
stand.
Dean: Derek.
Derek shakes his head.
I look at Derek pleadingly.
Now is not the time for him to shut down,
and I’m not ready to deal with his cold
side again.
Zimkitha: Dere-
He shoots her a look and she immediately
keeps quiet.
Dean: Let’s go.
He leads the way, Zimkitha and Liwa
follow him. Liwa looks like he is ready to
pass out, and it seems like the only reason
he’s still present is Zimkitha. Their
codependency is on steroids.
Mom: Nkanyezi.
Derek: I’m fine, ma.
My mom stands and sits next to him. She
looks at him softly.
Mom: Baby… You need to hear her out.
He shakes his head and tightens his jaw.
My mom takes his hand.
I think we all sit there for around 30
minutes.
It’s completely silent.
Out of nowhere, Khwezi grimaces.
We all look at her.
What is wrong with this woman? Who
hurt her? Why is she so vile?
I’m losing patience.
Khwezi: Everyone here is very disr-
Nolwazi: Yoh, haibo Khwezi. Don’t you get
tired of being so foul?
Khwezi: Excuse me??
Nolwazi: Hai phela this is too much. You
know very well that you’re in the wrong,
but you’re behaving like someone who is
not remorseful.
Khwezi: How dare-
Nolwazi: This is my house. You will not
disrespect me in my house. You shouldn’t
have come here if spitting venom is the
only thing you have to offer.
Just as Khwezi is about to stand and do
God knows what, Senior stops her and
makes her sit.
Nolwazi: I have tried, but dammit, you’re
a piece of work! You are supposed to sit
there and account for your actions, not act
like you are the victim!
Go off, Nolwazi!
Nolwazi: I would do anything to get you
off my property…
Senior takes Khwezi aggressively and
they walk to the other side of the yard.
Nolwazi looks at my parents and
Lindelwa.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry for being rude. I
couldn’t take it.
Mom: Wenze kahle sisi. Mina I would
have done more than shout… You did
well, baby.
My mother is my spirit animal. At this
point in time, I have no words for any of
these people. Khwezi deserves to be
beaten…
Nolwazi takes a deep breath and sips her
champagne.
Nolwazi: I just don’t understand why
she’s like this.
Lindelwa: She has always been like this.
Derek stands and walks away.
I follow him.
I’m scared.
I feel like he’s going to lash out again.
I’m on defense mode.
I eventually get to him.
We stand in silence for a long time.
Derek: Do you see why I’m like this?
He looks at me.
I can’t read his expression.
Derek: Khwezi has the power to turn me
into something I’m not. She evokes
emotions I am not familiar with.
Me: She doesn’t have to have power over
you.
Derek: Really?
I keep quiet.
Derek: The same woman who took my
childhood from me?
I don’t say anything.
This is why I was against this lunch. We
need someone professional to mediate
the situation. How am I supposed to bring
Derek back to his senses all by myself?
Melinda would be able to keep him calm.
What happens when he gets angrier and
comes for me again?
Derek: Zi.
I snap out of it.
I look at him nervously.
Derek: I’m not going to attack you.
I sigh.
Derek: I’ve learnt my lesson. I’m not going
to lose you over this.
He puts his hands in his pockets and sighs
heavily.
Derek: But, I’m okay with walking away
from this.
Me: What do you mean?
Derek: I don’t need these people in my
life.
He looks at me.
Derek: We can walk away and continue
building our life.
Me: Run away?
He shakes his head lightly.
Derek: I want to work on myself in
isolation.
Me: I resp-
Just then, Nolwazi walks to us.
Nolwazi: Zi… Your phone has been
ringing non stop since you left. I
answered it, and this woman insists on
talking to you.
Me: Who is she?
Nolwazi: Vicky.
I frown. I take my phone.
Me: Hello.
Vicky: Am I speaking to Ziyanda?
Me: Uhm… Yes…
Vicky: I have been trying to conta-
I hear shuffling.
Suddenly, I hear a man’s voice.
Me: Hello?
I am so confused.
Person: Hai man, Ziyanda. What is wrong
with you people?
I am lost.
Me: Excuse me? Who am I speaking to?
Person: It has come to my attention that
you are shacking up with one of my
twins?
Me: What??
My eyes pop out as I stare at Derek and
Nolwazi in shock.
Person: I’ve been on your tail for months
now! I am a sick man, and I need to see
my offspring!
He chuckles.
I don’t know what to do.
Also, why does he sound so arrogant?
I look at Derek in panic.
Me: He says he’s your father.
Derek looks at me strangely.
Person: I am Zweli… You should never
refer to me as a random person, young
girl.
I’m not even hearing him properly.
Derek snatches the phone from me.
Derek: Hi…
I look at Nolwazi and her eyes are
popping out as well.
Nolwazi: He says he’s who’s father??
Me: Derek’s.
She continues looking at me in disbelief.
We both stare at Derek.
He’s listening to this Zweli person.
Out of nowhere, we see Dean walking
towards us.
What is happening right now? Why does
he look like he is about to fall and never
wake up?
He gets to us.
Dean: Derek, come.
Ngapha Derek is on the phone.
Nolwazi: Baby-
Dean: Not now, Lwazi.
Nolwazi: He’s speaking to your father.
Dean tilts his head and looks at Nolwazi,
ngathi he didn’t hear her properly.
Dean: Excuse me?
Nolwazi: This man named Zweli, called
Ziyanda. He says he’s your father.
Dean looks at Derek, who is not speaking,
but is still listening to Zweli.
Dean: Zweli?
Nolwazi: Yes.
Dean looks at me expectantly and I nod.
He steps closer to Derek and takes the
phone from him, thereafter, he ends the
call.
Dean: You have to come in.
They stare at each other coldly.
I’m not sure if they’re going to beat each
other up, or embrace.
Dean turns and starts walking.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Come.
Me: No.
Derek: Ziyanda.
He starts walking and I follow him
hesitantly.
Nolwazi also follows, but instead of
walking in the house with us, she goes
back to the table on the other side of the
yard.
When we get in, Zimkitha is crying so loud
and painfully, that I have to stop walking
and process her cries.
It sounds and feels like she is being
tortured.
I take a few steps forward, till I’m in the
lounge.
She’s on the floor and Liwa is holding her.
Nomvuyo is also here, holding her as well.
Derek stares down at them blankly.
Dean sits and stares at Zimkitha too.
The crying goes on for a while.
I can’t take it.
I find myself tearing up as well.
I’ve never heard someone cry like this. It’s
as if her heart is being ripped apart.
Suddenly, she stops.
There’s silence.
Did she pass out?
Dean take a deep breath and looks at
Derek.
Derek: Sit.
Derek surprisingly obliges. He sits on the
couch and continues staring down at
Zimkitha, who seems to have passed out.
What is happening?
Dean rubs his eyes and sits back on the
couch.
His eyes are red.
He’s crying.

INSERT 213
Evelyn: Rose, where is Zimkitha?! She
must come here this instant!
Rose looks at Evelyn softly.
Rose: You need to stop being too hard on
that young girl.
Evelyn: No, you need to stop being soft on
her! Why are you so weak when it comes
to Zimkitha??
Rose takes a deep breath.
Rose: She’s a good girl, you know…
Evelyn hisses.
Evelyn: ZIMKITHA! Zimkitha runs down
the stairs and walks to her mother, who is
sitting on her reclining couch.
Evelyn: I have been calling you for five
minutes straight now!
Zimkitha: I’m sorry, I was helping Zodwa
with her Accounting homework.
Evelyn: Where is Zukiswa?
Zimkitha shrugs. She didn’t speak to
Zukiswa unless she had to. They just
never got along. However, she was closer
to Zodwa, Zuki’s sister (both of them were
Rose’s daughters)
Evelyn: You have a very important
meeting this evening. Get ready!
Zimkitha: Meeting?
Evelyn: Stop asking me stupid questions
and go get ready!
Zimkitha glances at Rosemary, who gives
her a sweet smile.
She walks away and makes her way to her
bedroom upstairs. When she gets there,
she slams the door and throws herself on
the bed.
Zodwa, who is busy with her homework,
looks at Zimkitha.
Zodwa: And then?
Zimkitha: She says we have guests coming
in today and I should get ready.
Zodwa: Yoh, hai I don’t want to be you.
Zimkitha rolls her eyes and sits up.
Just then, Rose comes knocking on the
door. She opens it and walks in.
Rose: Zimi, here is your dress. I’ve ironed
it for you.
Zimkitha: Thanks, ma.
Rose looks at Zodwa.
Rose: Ufunani la?
Zodwa: Zimi is help-
Rose: Out!
Zodwa: Kodw-
Rose gives Zodwa a threatening look.
Rose: You seem to forget that this is not
your house. Go back to the cottage and
prepare dinner.
Zodwa: But, Mam’Evelyn said I shouldn’t
cook today, because there-
Rose: Ntombizodwa! I will slap you so
hard, you will forget your name!
Zimi: She really doesn’t have to cook, ma.
My mom hired a private chef for tonight.
Rose: I’m not going to eat leaves! Wena
Zodwa, phuma la.
Zodwa stands and starts packing her
books roughly.
Out of nowhere, there’s a loud smack that
shakes the entire room.
Zodwa screeches as she touches her face.
Zimi: Mam’Rose!
Rose: I said, out! Don’t you dare give me
an attitude!
Zodwa finishes packing up and storms out
of the room.
Rose: Rhaa!
She hangs Zimkitha’s dress and looks at
her softly.
Zimi: You know I don’t like it when you
hit her.
Rose: Do you want me to hit you too?
Zimkitha shakes her head quickly.
Rose: Thought as much.
With that said, Rose walks out of the
room.
Zimkitha takes out her phone and dials a
number. It rings for a long time.
Zimkitha: Bheki?
Bheki: Hey, I’m still painting, can I call you
back?
Zimkitha: No, I want to talk now.
Bheki sighs.
He knew that whenever Zimkitha got like
this, he had to stop whatever he was
doing, and focus on her. He was madly in
love with her, despite her spoilt brat
tendencies.
Bheki: Is everything okay?
Zimkitha: My mom has started with her
dinners. I don’t like how she parades me. I
feel like I’m a prize of some sort.
Bheki: You are definitely a prize… My
prize…
Zimkitha: Bheki!
He chuckles.
Bheki: I’m sorry. Just do what you always
do at these dinners, ignore everyone and
shut them out.
Zimkitha: She always shouts at me
afterwards. I’m really tired of this!
Bheki: What do you want to do?
Zimkitha: Run away!
Bheki: You want to run away?
Zimkitha: Let’s run away! We could go
anywhere in the world!
Bheki: Uh… How about we talk about this
later? My father is getting impatient with
me.
Zimkitha: Okay. Bye.
Bheki: I love you, okay?
Zimkitha smiles.
Zimkitha: I love you too.
She hangs up and lies on her bed, thinking
about Bheki.
Bheki’s family moved to Johannesburg
about two years ago. They hit it off
immediately when Bheki sat next to her
in class. They went from being good
friends, to being in a serious relationship.
They’re also planning on attending the
same university the following year…
Zimkitha’s thoughts are interrupted by a
piercing pain that shoots right through
her back.
She snaps out it and tightens her whole
body as Evelyn whips her with a thick
leather belt.
Evelyn: Didn’t I tell you to get ready?!
Zimkitha keeps quiet as Evelyn continues
whipping her.
Evelyn: I am sick and tired of your
uselessness!
Once Evelyn is done, she walks out and
slams the door.
Zimkitha lies there for a few minutes,
allowing her body to process the pain. She
shivers as the heat of the blows radiates
throughout her body.
After a while, she gets up and goes to the
bathroom to take a bath…
***
Zimkitha’s legs tighten as she feels a hand
caressing her right thigh.
She looks at Zweli in disbelief and he
ignores her.
She looks over at her mother, on the other
side of the table, and Evelyn simply gives
her threatening look, daring her to even
utter a word.
She presses her lips together as Zweli’s
hand continues exploring her thighs.
Meanwhile, everyone at the table is
laughing loudly. The men are talking
about office politics, while the women are
giggling at other things.
Zimkitha and Zweli are the only young
people here. Everyone else is old.
She continues eating, and tries shutting
out the fact that her personal space is
being invaded, as usual.
***
Rose looks at Zimkitha in horror.
Rose: You are pregnant?!
Zimkitha cries hysterically.
Zimkitha You can’t tell my parents! You
can’t tell them, Mam’Rose! Rose stares at
Zimkitha.
She is speechless.
Rose: What happened??
Zimkitha: Zweli forced himself on me.
She struggles to breathe as she continues
crying.
Rose reaches out for her and comforts her
till she passes out.
***
When she wakes up, she’s in Rose’s
cottage.
She groans.
Rose: Zimi.
She blinks and sits up.
Rose: What are you going to do?
Zimkitha: My parents have always wanted
grandchildren. My mother will want to
keep this child, and everyone will abuse
him/her. I don’t want that!
Rose: Zweli raped you?
Zimkitha looks down ashamedly.
Rose starts crying.
The crying turns into heavy wailing.
Rose: Kodwa Zimkitha…
Zimkitha keeps quiet.
Rose continues crying.
After a long time, she calms down.
Rose: What did he do to you?
Zimkitha: He said I must accompany him
to his car, then he started touching me.
When I refused, he said he would call my
father.
Rose hisses.
They sit in silence for a long time.
Rose: How long has it been since your
father has…
Rose swallows her words and sighs sadly.
Zimkitha: He’s been busy with the
company this whole month.
Rose nods lightly.
Zimkitha: This baby can’t be raised in this
house. No one can find out.
Rose: You want to keep it??
Zimkitha: I’m not going to kill an innocent
child.
Rose: That child is not innocent! That
child is a demon!
Zimkitha: Mama, calm down.
Rose starts crying all over again.
Zimkitha stands and gets Rose a glass of
water.
Rose: What do you want to do?
Zimkitha: You have to convince my
mother to send me to boarding school.
Tell her that I have to get used to being
independent.
Rose: Kanjani, Zimi, because you are in
Grade 12 now?
Zimkitha shakes her head.
Zimkitha: I will fail.
Rose: What??
Zimkitha: I don’t have a choice. I will
repeat Grade 12, that way they will never
see the pregnancy.
Rose: Do you really think that your
parents will let you go that easily??
Zimkitha: Mama, I have to do this. I’m not
going to kill a child. I won’t be able to live
with myself knowing that I played God.
Rose: This thing is a product of rape! Why
would you be so concerned?
Zimkitha looks at her pleadingly.
Rose stares at her for a long time.
Rose: What will you do once the baby is
here? How will you take care of it?
Zimkitha: I haven’t thought about that…
They sit in silence for a very long time.
Rose: I think I have an idea.
Zimkitha stares at her.
Rose: There’s a family friend of ours that
just got married and just found out that
she can’t have children.
Zimkitha: Really??
Rose: Lindelwa is a very sweet girl. She’s
20 something.
Zimkitha: Why did she get married at
such a young age?
Rose: Haibo, kanti when are you getting
married?
She sighs as she thinks about Bheki.
Zimkitha: We both know that if I had a
choice, I would be with Bheki…
Rose takes a deep breath.
Zimkitha: But, my life is already planned
out.
Rose: I’m sure we will find a way…
They both sigh heavily and sit in silence…
INSERT 214
Zimkitha: Twins??
The doctor nods lightly.
Rose: Yoh, nkos’ yami.
They stare at each other.
Zimkitha starts crying.
Zimkitha: What are we going to do??
Rose: Calm down, we’ll talk about this
later.
The doctor finishes telling them about the
condition of the twins.
Doctor: You should give birth in a month.
Zimkitha and Rose make their way to
Lindelwa’s house.
She's been staying here since she started
showing. She decided to repeat Grade 12,
because she was buying time. Her parents
are under the impression that she is still
in boarding school. It took time
convincing them, but they eventually
agreed to take her there. Once Zimkitha
started showing, Rose asked Lindelwa to
let her stay with them.
Lindelwa smiles as Zimkhitha walks in.
Lindelwa’s husband, Muzi, welcomed
them. At first, Zimkitha was afraid of him,
because he was different from the men he
was used to. He was raised in the
township, he was streetsmart, and
Zimkitha was not familiar with such men.
However, he proved to be okay.
Lindelwa: Can I get you something to
drink?
Zimkitha shakes her head.
Zimkitha: I just want to sleep.
Rose: She's having twins.
Lindelwa: Really??
Muzi: So, what are you going to do with
the other twin?
Rose: Heyi, we’ll see.
Muzi: We won't be able to take both of
them.
Lindelwa: We also can't separate them.
Muzi: Lindelwa, how are you going to take
care of two kids?
She keeps quiet.
Muzi looks at Zimkitha.
Muzi: I agreed to one child, not two.
Rose: Don't worry, we’ll make a plan.
Zimkitha: I'm not going to separate my
kids! How could you expect me to do
that??
Rose: What are you going to do?? Take
them to your parents??
Zimkitha walks to the bedroom, crying.
Muzi: I'm not trying to be difficult, but
we're not going to have 2 kids.
Rose: I understand. At least we know
where one of them will be, and I know
you'll raise him properly…
***
I have no words to describe what is going
through my mind, and how I feel.
Zimkitha looks at me and I look back at
her.
Zimkitha: I didn't have a choice.
She looks at Dean.
Zimkitha: I had to let go of you.
I don't even know when my parents got to
the lounge.
Zimkitha: I couldn't abort you. I couldn't
allow myself to do it.
We are all silent. I have so many
unanswered questions.
***
Rose carefully places one of the boys in
Zimi’s arms.
She has been crying ever since she had to
push.
Rose was the one who delivered the
twins. She had to take over, because they
wouldn’t have made it to the hospital on
time. Thankfully, she had experience with
such, because she was a midwife (with no
formal qualification though).
Rose: Zimi, you have to calm down,
sthandwa sami…
Zimkitha can’t seem to keep the tears in.
Zimkitha: I don’t want to give them away.
How am I going to live with myself?
Rose looks at her seriously.
Rose: You do not have a choice. You have
to make sure that they are safe.
Zimkitha keeps quiet and focuses on the
boy she is carrying.
Lindelwa walks in and sobs when she
sees the twins.
Lindelwa: Can I hold him?
She looks at the one Zimkitha is holding.
Zimkitha shakes her head and focuses on
the tiny bundle.
Rose: You can hold this one. He looks very
grumpy.
Lindelwa takes the boy from Rose and
continues sobbing quietly.
Rose: What will you name this grumpy
one?
Lindelwa: I was thi-
Zimkitha: Langelihle.
Rose and Lindelwa stare at her.
Zimkitha: This one will be Nkanyezi…
Langelihle and Nkanyezi…
Lindelwa: Those are beautiful names.
Rose: They also need English names.
Zimkitha: No, they don’t.
Rose: Hai, Zimkitha. They need to have
English names.
Zimkitha groans and focuses on Nkanyezi.
Rose: This one will be Dean and Nkanyezi
will be Derek.
Lindelwa laughs lightly.
Rose: We grew up with English names.
That’s how it’s supposed to be.
Zimkitha sighs.
Rose: Dean and Derek. Langelihle and
Nkanyezi.
Lindelwa: Langelihle came out first?
Rose nods and smiles.
Rose: He’s the stubborn one.
Lindelwa plants a kiss on Langelihle’s
forehead.
Lindelwa: Langelihle… I love him already.
Zimkitha shuts all of them out and focuses
on the baby she is holding.
She wasn’t ready to let them go…
***
Derek stands and walks out.
I want to stand and follow him, but I’m
failing.
I look at Zimkitha.
My heart is in pieces.
I look at my dad, and he also seems
shaken. I think the last time I saw him like
this was when I was going through my
darkest days.
I have so many questions. God knows I
have so many questions, but words fail
me right now.
Where is Dean?
I look at Zimkitha, and she looks like a
completely different person. She is
evidently in pain and ashamed.
I find myself clearing my throat.
Everyone looks at me.
Me: Uhm, I think we should give her
privacy.
Dad: I agree.
My mom nods sadly and walks out with
my dad. Nomvuyo doesn’t want to leave,
but she eventually stands and walks away
with Lindelwa, leaving Liwa and Zimkitha.
Zimkitha looks at him.
Zimkitha: Let me talk to Ziyanda.
Liwa nods lightly and walks out.
I stand and sit next to her.
She takes my hand.
Zimkitha: You have to understand that I
wasn’t being malicious.
I keep quiet.
Zimkitha: I didn’t know how to solve
this… I still don’t know how to solve it…
I’m speechless.
I empathise with her, I really do.
However, I have so many questions.
She looks at me pleadingly.
Me: I don’t judge you.
She keeps quiet.
Me: I just… I’m conflicted…
Zimkitha: I was sexually abused all my
life, Ziyanda… I was a prisoner. I didn’t
know what love was… I’m still recovering
from the trauma I went through... I was
trying to protect them. Please believe me
when I say I was protecting them. They
would have been completely different
people had they stayed with me…
I look at her.
Zimkitha: I didn’t want them to grow up
in that house.
Her face changes. She looks like she’s
being flooded by memories- horrible
memories.
Me: I understand.
She starts sobbing.
Zimkitha: I wanted them to live a better
life. I didn’t want them to suffer like I did.
The sobbing continues and I feel like I’m
going to pass out from the emotional
rollercoaster.
Suddenly, Dean walks in.
Zimkitha can’t see him.
Zimkitha: My own parents prostituted
me… I was protecting them… I swear, I
was protecting them…
I don’t know how to comfort her.
At this point, it feels like she’s not even
addressing me. She’s in her own head.
Zimkitha: There was no way they were
going to live in that house.
She continues trying to reassure me.
When Dean steps closer to us, my heart
stops beating, because I’m scared of what
he’ll do next.
He bends and gets closer to Zimkitha.
Zimkitha: I loved them… I love them. I
didn’t want them to grow up like me.
Dean: Zimkitha.
Zimkitha shakes her head and continues
sobbing.
Dean: Zimkitha.
Zimkitha looks at him.
Zimkitha: You don’t understand. You
wouldn’t have survived.
Dean doesn’t say anything.
Zimkitha: I wanted a better life for you.
Dean continues listening to her.
Zimkitha: I love you. I couldn’t let go of
you.
She sobs.
Dean stands and I’m shocked when he
pulls her up.
She collapses on him and he wraps his
arms around her.
She cries painfully.
I stare at them and my heart suddenly
feels too heavy.
Zimkitha: I love you. I didn’t mean to hurt
you.
Dean: I know.
Zimkitha looks at him.
Dean: I know.
She rests her head on his chest and he
continues holding her.
I find myself staring at Dean.
Is it possible for one to be this open-
minded?
I walk out and try to find Derek.
I spot him standing by the pool.
Just as I’m about to go to him, my dad
stops me.
Dad: Give him space.
I sigh heavily and nod.

INSERT 215
I walk to Derek.
Me: D-
He looks at me coldly and I immediately
turn and walk back inside the house.
I know that look. He doesn't want anyone
near him.
When I get to the lounge, Zimkitha and
Dean are sitting next to each other.
Zimkitha is drinking water. I sit opposite
them.
Zimkitha looks at me and smiles lightly.
Zimkitha: How are you?
I shrug.
We sit in silence for a while.
I look at Dean.
My heart goes out to him.
More than anything though, I admire him.
Yes, he may have had it easier than Derek,
but his life was still a lie. I don't know
how I would react if I was in the same
position.
I don't even want to delve into Zimkitha’s
situation. The thought of what she went
through is enough to send me out.
Suddenly, my stomach growls loudly and I
rub it. What bad timing.
Dean: You hungry?
I don't want to make this about me, but a
bitch is really hungry.
Dean looks at Zimkitha.
Dean: Hungry?
She shakes her head and stares at me.
Me: He’s outside.
She glances at Dean, who shakes his head.
Dean: He needs space.
Zimkitha tries to speak, but stops herself.
Dean: I'll dish up for you, Zi.
Me: No, it-
He stands and walks away before I can
even protest.
I stare at Zimkitha.
Me: How did you survive all that abuse?
Zimkitha: I raised Derek for 6 months,
while I was staying with Lindelwa and her
husband, Muzi. Muzi eventually got tired
of me, and basically kicked me out.
Me: Is that how Derek ended up in an
orphanage?
She nods.
Zimkitha: Mam’Rose knew Mam’Thuli,
who owns the orphanage. It took a long
time for them to get me to give Derek
away. I was already attached to him.
Me: Is that why you decided to stay in
their lives?
Zimkitha: I already knew that I was going
to be in Dean's life. Lindelwa didn't want
me to walk away for good. She wanted me
to stay in his life. I didn't want to give
Derek away. I was more attached to him.
She sighs.
Zimkitha: Unfortunately, I couldn't be
there for them as much as I wanted to…
Liwa and Princess's birth was another
obstacle I had to deal with. My parents-
Dean walks in with a plate of food.
Dean: Bamba.
I take the plate.
Me: Thank you.
I focus on my food for the next 5 minutes.
Dean: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Me: Euww, I'm on contraceptives.
Dean chuckles.
Zimkitha: You think she's pregnant?
Dean nods and I put my plate on the
couch.
Me: Let's not do this again.
Zimkitha: Langa, stop bullying, Zi.
Dean looks at Zimkitha.
Dean: So, you really allowed that old
woman to give us English names?
Zimkitha looks down.
I don't think she's ready to joke about
this.
Dean: What the hell does Dean even
mean?
I smile lightly.
Dean never ceases to amaze me.
Me: I'll go check on Derek.
I stand and make my way outside.
My mom and dad are sitting together on
the one side of the yard, Khwezi and
Senior are together on the other side…
Everyone is scattered.
I walk to where Derek is.
Me: Derek.
He doesn't say anything.
I decide to keep quiet and let him be.
We stand there for a long time.
Derek: I need space.
Me: Okay. I walk away.
I'm glad that he's not lashing out on me.
However, I would like to know what's
going through his mind.
I go to my mom and dad.
Mom: How is Zimi?
I shake my head.
Me: She is not fine.
Dad: I wasn't expecting things to turn out
like this.
Mom: I am so shocked. The poor woman…
Dad: Generational trauma is a real thing…
My mom sighs heavily.
Mom: This is really heavy…
She looks at me.
Mom: How do you feel?
I shrug.
Me: I'm not judging her.
Mom: She thought she was protecting her
children. In that moment, she did what
was best for them.
Dad: It's just too complicated...
Me: Only a professional will help them
move past this…
My mom nods.
Me: Dean seems okay though.
Dad: Dean is a sensible man… He'll be
fine.
I groan. Derek, on the other hand, will not
move on easily.
Just then, we watch as Derek walks to the
house.
We look at each other nervously and
follow him.
My dad has to find a way to stop him from
going crazy.
We get to the lounge.
Everyone is here: Zimkitha, Dean, Liwa,
Nomvuyo, Lindelwa, Khwezi and Senior.
Derek: I'm trying not to lash out… I've
been told that I say hurtful things once
I'm in that zone.
We all stare at him.
Derek: I'm not going to go back and forth
with any of you…
He looks at Zimkitha.
Derek: I don't know how I feel about you
right now…
Zimkitha looks down.
Derek: You have no idea what I've been
through.
He glances at Khwezi, who is staring at
him intensely. I can't read her expression,
but I think she looks angry.
Derek: You thought you were protecting
me, but you actually put me in more
danger. If I was abused in your household,
at least I'd have you and Dean… I
wouldn't suffer alone. Pain shared is pain
divided, right?
Zimkitha keeps quiet.
Derek: Instead I had to endure some
fucked up shit for many years...
Dean: What are you talking about?
I'm confused.
Why is Dean asking this? Doesn't he know
what happened in Khwezi’s house?
Dean: Derek…
Me: Why don't you ask Khwezi?
Everyone stares at me.
Me: Khwezi should know what Derek is
talking about.
Zimkitha looks up.
Dean: What's happening?
Me: Zimkitha, you thought you were
protecting Derek, but you actually
exposed him to some inexplicable trauma.
Dean and Zimkitha stand slowly,
simultaneously.
Everyone's looking at me- my blood is
boiling.
Dean: Ziyanda?
Me: Derek had to deal with sexual abuse
from these two for many years…
Lindelwa: What?!
Zimkitha: Excuse me?
Me: Khwezi, now is the perfect time to
open that big mouth of yours…
INSERT 216 (Unedited)
Lindelwa: What??
I stare at Zimkitha.
Me: Why do you think Derek is so angry?
Zimkitha looks like she's not hearing me.
She doesn't understand what I'm saying.
Dean takes a step closer to me, and I try to
step back, but my body fails me.
His body touches mine.
Dean: What are you saying?
Me: Why don't you ask Khwezi?
He turns and looks at Khwezi, who is
expressionless.
My dad clears his throat and walks to
Dean.
Dad: Dean, go outside, please.
Dean tries pushing my dad, but Liwa
miraculously gains strength and grabs
Dean's arms.
Dean: Liwa.
Liwa doesn't say anything. He continues
holding Dean's arms.
Dean: Liwa, let me go.
Dad: Dean, go outside.
Dean looks at Derek.
Dean: What did these people do to you?
Derek doesn't say anything.
Dean: For fuck’s sake, Derek, what did
these people do to you?
My mom walks to Dean and tries touching
him, but he backs away.
Liwa is still gripping Dean's arms.
Dean is now laughing lightly.
My dad looks at Khwezi.
Dad: I think you should-
Me: She is not going anywhere. Both of
them should stay here and finally be held
accountable for their actions.
Dad: Ziya-
Me: Stop. Just stop.
My dad keeps quiet.
Me: I'm sick of this woman thinking she
has power over Derek. She is disgusting.
She walks around with her head up high,
thinking she's untouchable. That all ends
today.
Dean: Ziyanda, what the fuck are you
saying?
Me: Khwezi abused Derek. Senior knew
about it, and didn't do anything, so he is
just as guilty. They are not going to get
away with it while I'm still alive. Derek
has been under her spell for too long. It all
ends today.
My mom is in a state of shock. She's trying
to act like she's fine, but I can tell that
she's freaking out.
Before Dean can say anything, Liwa is
already pushing him out of the house.
Zimkitha is still staring at us a bit
absentmindedly.
Derek looks at me.
He is genuinely sad. It's written all over
his face.
Me: Khwezi, you better start speaking,
before I catch a case.
Mom: Zi-
Me: No. You all need to know how twisted
these people are. I'm tired of pretending.
Khwezi: Are you going to allow this girl to
speak to me like this, Derek?
I think we are all stunned at this point.
We stare at her, gobsmacked.
Khwezi looks at Derek.
Khwezi: I clothed you. I fed you. I took
care of you. Are you going to allow these
people to treat me like this?
Derek doesn't say anything.
Khwezi: I am your mother! I am-
The next few seconds are a blur.
All I hear is Zimkitha’s screams.
Next thing, Khwezi is on the floor, and
she's bleeding. Zimkitha attacked her
with a glass.
I blackout.
Now, I'm being dragged out.
I want to strangle her and make sure that
she never lives.
In that moment, I genuinely wanted to kill
this woman.
I wanted to watch her die.
Dad: Ziyanda!
I am struggling to breathe, and everyone
is surrounding me.
Mom: Baby-
Suddenly, my mom, dad, Nolwazi and
Nomvuyo are being pushed away.
Derek: Give her space.
I want to go back in there. I need to make
sure that that woman doesn't make it out
alive.
I start crying.
Images of a young Derek fill my mind. He
had no other place to run to. He was all
alone. He had to face these people every
day, and suck up the abuse on a daily
basis.
I can't stop thinking about the torment he
went through.
I find myself feeling the very same
emotions he described in his journals…
He had no one in his corner. He suffered.
He suffered for many years.
I feel someone holding me, but all I can do
is cry. I feel horrible. I don't know how
Nkanyezi is going to heal from all the
years filled with horror and darkness. His
childhood was taken from him. He had to
internalize every single experience, and
pretend it didn't happen, but all those
experiences haunted him… they still
haunt him...
I can't let Khwezi live.
Her presence is a serious problem.
How is Derek going to rebuild his life,
while she's still around, thinking she's
untouchable?
I am losing my mind. I am struggling to
breathe.
I am literally losing my mind.
I find myself drifting off…
***
When I wake up, I groan.
My body is stiff.
Just as I'm about to sit up, Derek stops me.
Me: No, I wa-
Derek: Be quiet.
I keep quiet and look at him.
Derek: You've said enough.
I think back to what happened, and my
heart immediately starts beating fast.
Me: Are you mad at me? I couldn't control
myself.
He doesn't say anything.
Me: If you want to leave me, then that's
fine… I don't regret exposing-
Derek: I said be quiet.
I keep quiet.
I'm on the couch.
It's very quiet.
Where is everyone else?
I look around.
Derek: Zimkitha is in hospital. She had an
attack.
Me: Heart attack? He shakes his head.
Derek: Panic.
I keep quiet.
Derek: They are with her.
Me: Khwezi?
Derek: Zimkitha knocked her out. She's
also in hospital.
I tighten my jaw.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I look at him.
Derek: Don’t… Just don't…
Me: Why? Why shouldn't I? I'm pissed.
He keeps quiet as I vent.
Me: I don't understand why she's still
alive.
He stares at me till I keep quiet.
It is silent for a very long time.
Derek: Were you really going to kill her?
Me: I don't see why she should be alive.
He takes a deep breath and looks at me
softly.
Me: Do you hate me?
He doesn't say anything.
Me: Are you going to leave me? I'm sure
you hate me.
Derek: I've never had anyone stand up for
me.
I don't say anything.
Derek: I mean it- I've never had anyone
stand up for me.
Me: I don't know what got over me. I kept
thinking about you when you were
younger… My heart couldn't take it.
Derek: While you passed out, and
everyone went to the hospital, I got some
alone time...
I look at him.
Derek: I don't think I would have exposed
Khwezi.
I don't say anything.
Derek: I'm still in denial about what I
went through… I didn't have the courage
to even face her.
Me: How do you feel now?
Derek: At first I was shocked, then I was
pissed… However, when I saw you having
that attack, I strangely felt at peace… I
knew that you were genuinely impacted
by this. You wanted to protect me.
I sigh a very huge sigh of relief.
Derek: In that moment, I forgot about
everything, and just allowed myself to
appreciate your efforts to defend and
protect me.
I suddenly want to cry and hold him.
I reposition, and he lies next to me on the
couch. I relax in his arms and rest my
head on his chest.
Derek: I don't want to shut you out…
You're a good person, Zi. I refuse to lose
you because of my fucked up past. You
represent hope. Because of you, I'm able
to see a brighter future for myself.
I nuzzle my head on his neck.
Derek: No need to cry.
Me: I want you to heal, that's all I want for
you.
He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: I know… Only time will tell...
I'm suddenly overcome by exhaustion.
Within minutes, I'm dozing off.
***
Dean: Why didn't you tell me?
Derek doesn't say anything.
I don't move.
They obviously think I'm still sleeping.
Dean: I want you to tell me how I should
react…
Derek still doesn't say anything.
Dean: Why didn't you tell me?
Derek: How was I supposed to tell you?
There's silence for a while.
Dean: I thought we told each other
everything…
Silence once again.
Dean: Are you surprised that we're
biologically related?
Derek: Not really.
Dean: Hmm.
Silence again.
Dean: I'm disappointed that you didn't
feel like you could open up with me… In
fact, I'm hurt.
Derek: This is not about you.
Dean: Fuck that. I should have known.
Derek sighs heavily.
Dean: So, what's the way forward? I'm
going to rely on you to tell me, because
my way won't be nice at all...
Derek doesn't say anything.
Dean: I want to get rid of Khwezi. I want
her to die a slow and painful death…
I sit up quickly.
Me: Vele. Her presence is no longer
needed!
Both of them look at me in shock.
I groan.
I forgot that I wasn't part of this
conversation.
Dean: Uvukile umalambane.
I roll my eyes as my stomach continues to
growl.
The hunger has been doing the most
throughout the day. The tension affected
my appetite.
Derek stands and pulls me up from the
couch.
Derek: I don't want to talk right now.
He takes my hand and leads me to the
kitchen.
Dean: You can run, but you can't
hide...especially from me.
My stomach continues growling as Derek
warms up some food for me...
INSERT 217 (Unedited)
Dean, Derek and I are still in the lounge,
and they're both watching me eat.
Dean: Are you sure you're not pregnant?
Me: Derek, please tell him to stop bullying
me.
Derek: Pregnant??
Dean: She has been eating like a pig. Her
emotions are all over the place.
Me: So, that means I'm pregnant? It's been
a rough month. Derek looks at me in
disbelief.
Derek: You think she's pregnant?
Dean: Definitely.
Me: I don't need this negativity in my life.
Derek: Do you think it's possible?
Me: Hai, I'm on contraceptives. Please
leave me alone.
Dean: One of my many, and I mean many,
special qualities in life is that I'm always
right…
Me: Derek, tell him to stop!
Derek chuckles lightly and shrugs.
Derek: I don't know…
Me: Don’t be stupid. Star hasn't even
turned a year.
Dean: Don’t say I didn't tell you.
Me: Mxm.
Just then, Nolwazi emerges.
Nolwazi: Zi, can I have a word with you?
Me: Sure.
I put down my plate and follow her out of
the lounge into the kitchen.
Me: Is everything okay?
Nolwazi: Not really.
I look at her.
Nolwazi: I feel like Dean is shutting me
out.
I keep quiet.
Nolwazi: I don't know how to support
him. She looks at me sadly.
Nolwazi: You two are quite close. I just
want to know how he's doing, especially
after this afternoon.
Me: The situation with Derek shook him,
but I think he's taking it maturely.
She sighs heavily.
Nolwazi: How is Derek?
Me: He’s not fine. It's going to take time
for him to be okay.
Nolwazi: I want to suggest that we go
home, but I'm not sure if Langa will want
to.
I keep quiet.
I really don't have the energy to be the
middleman. I also want to go back home,
but I'll let Derek decide. For all I know, he
might want to go see Zimkitha.
Nolwazi: Anyway, let me prepare
Zimkitha’s room. Your mom just called
me, uthi Zimkitha refuses to stay in
hospital, so they're on their way back.
Me: Oh okay.
She walks away and I go back to the
lounge.
Dean: Is she okay?
Me: Not really. She feels like you're
shutting her out.
He sighs.
Dean: I'll be back...
Me: By the way, Zimkitha is coming back.
Dean: We know…
He stands.
Me: Don't shut out Lwazi. She shouldn't
be questioning whether you need her or
not.
Dean: You think I'm going to take advice
from a loony?
Me: Wow. He laughs as he walks away.
I look at Derek.
Me: You want to be here when Zimkitha
comes back?
Derek: Dean doesn't want me to leave.
I nod.
This is progress. The fact that he agreed
to stay means something.
Derek: How are you?
I shake my head.
Me: I should be asking you that.
Derek: I think I'm numb.
Me: Are you doing it on purpose?
He shakes his head.
Derek: You haven't answered my
question.
Me: Well, I'm exhausted more than
anything. I feel like I'm trapped in an
unfamiliar body, and it's draining.
He smiles.
Derek: Even in hectic situations, your
drama prevails.
Me: Ohho.
Derek: Come closer.
He pulls me closer and wraps his arm
around me.
Derek: Thank you for being here.
Me: You're welcome.
Derek: You think you're pregnant?
I shake my head.
Me: I'm not.
Derek: Don’t be snappy.
He chuckles as I grunt.
Me: What are your current thoughts on
Zimkitha?
He takes a deep breath.
Derek: I had no idea she went through all
of that.
Me: I'm still shook…
He keeps quiet.
Me: I thought she knew about what you
went through.
He shakes his head.
Derek: I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell
anyone.
Me: I think she's taking it badly.
He nods lightly.
Me: Do you hate her?
He exhales loudly.
Derek: I don't know…
Me: I thought you were going to end
things with me and tell me to fuck off.
Derek: For a second, that's exactly what I
was going to do.
I look at him disbelief.
Me: You didn't even lash out.
He chuckles.
Derek: I'm still being punished for shit I
said the last time. You think I'm going to
do that shit again?
I giggle.
Me: I'm glad you managed to hold on to
your sanity.
Derek: Gimme a kiss.
Our faces touch and we share a kiss.
Yoh, my body suddenly does strange
things.
A bitch hasn't had sex in a minute.
We reposition and I find myself on top of
him.
I am hungry- for him.
We both moan as the kissing intensifies.
The exhaustion is gone with the wind.
I can hear someone clearing their throat,
but I'm not interested.
Dean: Hai sies, man!
We stop kissing and look up.
Shit.
As soon as I spot my mother and
Zimkitha, I immediately reposition and
fall to the ground.
Dean: You have no shame…
Derek pulls me from the ground and I sit
next to him.
Mom: Heeh!
Zimkitha is smiling mischievously.
Dean: Sies.
I look at Dean angrily.
Mom: Anyway, we’re back.
Derek and I don't say anything.
Dean: Zimkitha, sit…
Zimkitha: Okay.
Dean is such a bossy man.
Zimkitha sits opposite us and she looks at
Derek.
She still looks fragile.
Dean: It's getting late. I'm going to drop
off Zi’s parents. I'll be back soon.
Zimkitha nods.
Mom: We’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: Please bring Nkanyezi with you.
Mom: Shap. I'm sure Nolwazi’s mom had a
hectic day with all the kids there.
Dean: Nandi was with her.
Mom: Oh okay. We'll fetch Star first.
Dean: Alright, let's get going.
My dad walks in and looks around.
Dad: We will see you tomorrow.
Zimkitha nods.
Derek and I stand and we walk outside
with my parents.
Dad: How are you feeling, Derek?
Derek sighs.
Derek: I'm fine.
Dad: Kuzolunga. Don't get too caught up
in the misery. You have a very bright
future. Don’t let what you’re currently
going through determine how things will
be in the future. It is possible to move
past this.
Derek: Thank you.
Mom: Manje nizolala la?
Derek: No, we'll go back home as well.
Mom: Okay, baby.
My mom gives Derek a long hug.
Mom: Derek, we love you. I hope you
know that.
Derek: I do…
Mom: Good…
Dean walks out with Nolwazi.
Dean: Ready?
Dad: Yes, son.
Me: Son yani? Haibo, Derek is your only
son. Angazi ungenaphi uDean.
Mom: Kodwa, Zi.
Me: Hai he’s not your son.
Dean: I always take what I know I
deserve. Your father is what I deserve, so
he’s mine.
My dad laughs.
Dad: I never thought I’d have children
fighting over me.
Dean: Being fatherless will do that to a
person.
Dad: I’m glad you’re still finding humour
in this…
Dean: Sizothini…
Mom: Let’s go.
My parents and Nolwazi get in the car.
Me: Langa.
Dean: Ya?
Me: Take Nolwazi out for ice-cream after
dropping off my parents.
Dean: I will.
Me: Good.
He gets in the car and we watch as they
drive off. Derek wraps his arms around
me.
Derek: Where were we?
Me: Now is not the time…
I take his hand and we make our way
back inside the house.
Zimkitha is in the lounge.
Zimkitha: Can I have a word with you,
Nkanyezi?
I don’t know why, but hearing her say
‘Nkanyezi’ this time around feels
different…
Derek: Okay.
Me: I’ll give you two space.
Zimkitha: You can stay.
I shake my head.
I know I’m here to support Derek, but I’m
not strong enough to have another deep
conversation.
I walk upstairs and bump into Liwa.
Me: Hey.
Liwa: Hey.
I clear my throat.
Me: Uhm, how are you?
Liwa: Okay, and yourself?
Me: Okay.
He nods and continues walking down the
stairs.
Me: Uhm, Liwa, can we talk?
Liwa: Sure.
I turn and follow him down. We make our
way to his office and he pours himself
some whiskey before sitting on the couch.
I sit next to him.
I clear my throat.
Me: Uhm, I wanted to apologise for how I
dealt with everything.
He looks at me.
I can’t read his expression. I think he’s
tired.
Me: I should have been more empathetic
towards you.
Liwa: You can’t exactly empathise with
someone if you don’t know what they are
going through.
I keep quiet.
Liwa: You were in the dark.
I sigh.
Me: So, you knew everything?
He nods.
Liwa: Zimkitha has been through a
shitload. I witnessed some of the shit my
grandparents did to her. From a very
young age, I dedicated myself to being
there for her and not judging her. She was
all alone.
Me: You didn’t see anything wrong with
keeping this secret?
Liwa: I did. However, it also wasn’t my
secret to tell. I respected her wishes. She
was convinced that they would hate her if
they found out that she was their mother.
Also, there was no way she was going to
tell them, because she is just as bruised, if
not more, as Derek. She might seem like a
rational person, but Zimkitha is not wired
like normal adults. All the years of abuse
damaged her. She was conditioned to
think she is not worthy of true love.
Unfortunately, we are a product of our
environment. All Zimkitha wanted was for
Dean and Derek to have better lives. She
could have aborted them, but she didn’t. I
don’t know, but I think that’s a selfless
act, considering how fucked up her life
was at the time. She didn’t want them to
grow up feeling inferior, because they are
products of rape. She didn’t want them to
have that stigma.
Me: I hear you.
Liwa: She is a good woman. Yes, her
choices and actions are questionable, but
Zimkitha is a good person. She wanted to
change their paths and ensure that they
have better lives. Had she known that
Khwezi was a monster, do you really
think she would still allow her to take
Derek?
I keep quiet.
Liwa: Do you really think she’s that evil?
Me: I didn’t know that she was in the dark
about Derek’s experiences.
Liwa: We didn’t know. None of us knew.
Me: I get it now.
He nods.
Liwa: I don’t know if Dean and Derek will
ever forgive me. However, I hope they
understand that Zimkitha is not the bad
guy here. She is also a victim of
circumstance. She has suffered ill
consequences because of factors that
were out of her control. I’m terribly sorry
that Derek’s life was the complete
opposite of what Zimi wanted for him. I
feel horrible that he went through the
exact shit that Zimi thought she was
protecting him from… It’s a tragedy,
really.
Me: Derek will take time to heal.
He nods.
Me: However, I think you all need to see
someone. You need to see someone who
will deal with you individually and as a
group.
Liwa: We’ll see… I’m just giving people
the space they need. I know I’m the last
person they want to interact with.
Me: How is Zimi?
He shakes his head.
Liwa: She was just telling me on our way
back that she will never forgive herself… I
don’t think she’ll ever get over it.
Me: I’m hopeful. It is possible for all of you
to rebuild your bond.
He sighs and finishes his whiskey.
Liwa: We’ll see…
Me: So, are we good?
Liwa: Of course, Ziyanda Dlamini.
We share a hug.
Liwa: Go talk to Nomvuyo as well. She’s
been meaning to talk to you, but you saw
how things turned out.
Me: Okay.
I leave him there and go back to the
lounge.
Derek and Zimkitha are still talking.
I’m shocked to see Derek sitting next to
her.
Zimkitha is not crying, but she’s clearly
emotional.
Zimkitha: Please sit, Zi.
I sigh and sit opposite them.
Zimkitha looks at me.
Zimkitha: I want to apologise for causing
this mess. It’s my fault.
I don’t say anything.
Zimkitha: You may not be ready to receive
what I have to say, but I’m truly sorry.
I keep quiet.
Zimkitha: One thing I have taught the
boys is that when they apologise to
someone, they should own up to their
actions and not make excuses. I’m not
going to try and justify my actions. I just
want you to know that I’m sorry.
She looks at Derek.
Zimkitha: Once you’re ready, we’ll talk
properly and I will explain everything to
you. I will also answer any questions you
may have.
Me: You should also take the verbal
punches he’ll throw at you.
Derek looks at me and I hide a smile.
Me: I forgive you. I think with this specific
situation, it’s unrealistic to not justify
your actions. You had reasons for what
you did. I think it’s only fair for Dean and
Derek to hear you out.
She starts sobbing quietly.
Zimkitha: I’m really sorry, Derek. I didn’t
know that Khwezi…
She doesn’t complete her sentence.
We watch as she wipes her tears and
takes a deep breath.
Zimkitha: I just want you to know that I’m
going to kill her…
I shiver a bit.
Somehow, I know she means it.
Derek: That would be an easy way out.
Zimkitha and I stare at him.
Derek: Leave Khwezi, for now…
Zimkitha shakes her head and grunts.

INSERT 218
It’s been two weeks since the “incident.”
I referred all of them to Melinda’s clinic. If
she could help me make it out alive years
ago, then I know she’ll do the same with
this family. I’ve been meeting with her
individually, and she has encouraged me
to take some time away from everyone.
I'm waiting on her to give me a discount
for my sessions. Phela I gave her clients.
I’m now back in the house, packing.
Derek: I can’t believe you’re leaving…
Me: I’ll be back.
Derek: You promise? I nod.
At first, I planned this trip, because I was
going to leave Derek permanently, but I
was obviously lying to myself. There’s no
way I’m going to leave this man. I love
him, and I want to be with him.
Right now, however, I need some alone
time. I need to take some time away and
gather my thoughts.
Derek: Zi…
I snap out of it.
Me: Yes?
Derek: Thank you.
He smiles sincerely and my heart stops
for a few seconds.
Me: I love you.
Derek: I know.
He plants a kiss on my lips and continues
to help me pack.
I am thrilled to go to Cape Town for a
short while…
***
I almost missed my flight, but I made it
safely.
I've checked in and I'm now in my room.
Just as I'm about to text Derek, my phone
rings and I laugh.
Me: Ngidi.
Derek: Have you checked in?
Me: The whole point of getting space is to
isolate myself, you know?
Derek: I miss you.
Me: Derek, I arrived safely. We'll talk
later.
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
Me: Shap.
Derek: Bye.
I hang up.
It's time for me to zone out and do me for
now…
***
I'm one of those people you'll find at a
restaurant, sitting by themselves, reading
and looking very comfortable.
I don't find it awkward at all. I enjoy going
out by myself. Also, I haven't done it in a
while. I don't want to become too
concerned about my relationship with
Derek, that I forget to take care of myself
and do the little things that make me
happy…
Day 1 has been absolutely amazing.
I read throughout the day, drank
champagne (I'm starting to really like it)
and ate delicious food.
I must admit that I miss Derek and Little
Star, but I'm not about to dwell on that.
***
I've been in Cape Town for four days.
As I'm having brunch, I get a video call
from Dean.
Dean: Ya wena.
Me: I don't talk to peasants!
Dean: Fuck off!
I laugh happily.
Me: What do you want? My food is getting
cold.
Dean: Your future husband has been very
unproductive and sheepish since you left.
He shows me Derek, who's lying on the
couch, watching the Real Housewives. I
laugh.
Me: Derek needs to cut the drama.
Dean: He’s not used to you being away.
Me: He has to be strong, because I've
decided to extend my stay. I'll be back in
two weeks.
Derek quickly stands and grabs Dean’s
phone. Dean is now laughing.
Derek: What??
Me: Oh, hello there.
Derek: What do you mean??
Me: I'm extending my stay.
Derek: Zi, no!
He looks at me in horror.
I laugh at him.
Derek: Don’t laugh!
Me: Relax, I'll be back!
Derek: Can't I join you??
Me: No, I'm still enjoying my own
company.
He groans and Dean takes the phone from
him.
Dean: So, when are you coming back?
Me: In two weeks.
Dean: Do you need money?
Me: Are you blessing me?
Dean: You’re poor.
Me: Bless me! I receive! He chuckles and
nods.
Dean: Hmkay. Have fun.
Me: Bye! Love you, Star!
Derek: Argh.
I end the call and continue eating.
***
I've been here for exactly one week.
As usual, I'm exploring different
restaurants and interacting with racist
caucasians. There's something fierce
about the racists in Cape Town. Their
racism is not expressed via whispers, they
show you s’nine nine ukuthi you ain't shit
as a black person. The ones from Joburg
are not as courageous.
Anyway, today is dedicated to journaling.
I want to reflect on everything that has
happened recently.
I think there's hope for this family.
More than anything, their love is genuine.
I think they'll make it.
Also, Melinda does the damn thing.
Someone clears their throat and I look up.
And then what?
Me: Andile?
He seems shocked to see me. I'm also
shook. What is he doing here?
Andile: What are you doing here?
Me: A lady never tells.
He chuckles and looks at my table.
Andile: You here alone? I nod.
Andile: You've been MIA.
Me: I've been busy.
He nods lightly.
Me: What are you doing here?
Andile: I have a conference tomorrow…
Me: Work trip.
He nods and smiles.
Me: Oh okay.
Andile: Can I join you?
Me: Sure.
He sits opposite me and I close my
journal.
Andile: I'm assuming you're on vacation?
Me: Yep. I was in need of fresh air.
Andile: Joburg does tend to get congested.
Me: Definitely.
Andile: How are you?
Me: I'm okay, hey. It's been a rough
couple of weeks.
Andile: Really?
I nod.
Me: Been dealing with some personal
issues, but all is well now.
He looks at me thoughtfully.
Andile: That's good to hear.
Me: So, you still haven't told me what
your type is.
He coughs.
Andile: Excuse me?
Me: You heard me.
I stare at him.
In case you haven't noticed, verbal
diarrhea is a serious problem in my life.
The waiter comes and takes Andile’s
order. Thereafter, he leaves.
Andile: My type?
I nod.
Andile: Why?
Me: I don't like failing, and the blind date
was clearly a failure. I'd like to redeem
myself.
I smile.
Andile: No more blind dates.
Me: Why? Phela I hate failing.
He laughs.
Me: The problem is that we didn't have a
discussion about your preference, prior to
the date.
Andile: Are you going to back down?
I shake my head.
I personally don't think that Andile has a
thing for me. The guy is just kind nje.
However, if he does have a thing for me,
then I'll find him someone to distract him,
because it's not like he'll achieve me. Not
only will Derek slaughter him alive, Dean
will also do the things.
I stare at him.
I don't think he's my type.
Derek is my type- my only type. I smile as
my thoughts drift back to seeing him on
that couch, watching the Real
Housewives. That was totes adorable and
dramatic.
Andile: Ziyanda.
I shake my head lightly, trying to focus.
Me: You were about to describe your ideal
woman.
Andile: I don't require a lot, really. As long
as she is smart, funny, hardworking, loyal,
kind and attractive.
Me: Looks matter?
Andile: Yes and no.
Me: Elaborate. Phela I need to get this
right.
Andile: I'm not going to lie and say I don't
look at one's looks… Kodwa they're not
that important, hence attractiveness is the
last requirement.
I nod.
Me: So, looks wise, what type of woman
do you want? Are you into petite girls?
Thick girls? Big girls? Are you into light
skinned girls or dark skinned ones?
Ufunani?
He chuckles.
Andile: I don't have a particular type.
However, I would like the person to be
attractive.
Me: Hmkay…
He keeps laughing ngathi I'm joking kanti
I'm dead serious. I can't have Andile
crushing on me (that's if he is). How are
we going to work together? Haibo he
must get a distraction.
Andile: I care more about their character.
I want to be with a good person, someone
who has substance, you know?
Me: Yaas!
If only Niki wasn't in a relationship…
Eish, this thing of not having friends is a
problem…
Andile: When should I expect to meet my
future person?
Me: Soon! Don't you worry.
His food arrives.
Andile: When are you coming back to
work?
Me: As soon as I'm back in Joburg.
Andile: You sure you're good?
Me: I'm much better, hey. This trip has
helped me.
Just then, his phone rings.
He answers.
Andile: Derek?
Wow.
Andile: Yes, I arrived safely… Ya, I just
need to meet with him first and see
what's up… Ya…
He looks at me and smiles.
Andile: You won't guess who I bumped
into… I'm with Ziyanda…
After a while, he gives me his phone and I
clear my throat.
Me: Star.
Derek: Wena na… Why didn't you tell me
that you're living your best life?
Me: I thought I did yazi.
He chuckles.
Derek: Andile must feel blessed. Some of
us are deprived of your presence while he
gets to drown in it.
Me: It's a small world…
Derek: Indeed...
Me: I'll call you later. Should I give Andile
the phone?
Derek: No, it's okay. I'm watching the
reunion of the Real Housewives.
Me: Without me?
Derek: Hai phela, angithi you're having
fun with Andile-
Just then, I hear shuffling.
Dean: Ye wena, Ziyanda.
Me: Yoh, I can't hear you. You're breaking.
Dean: Ungazonya wena. What the hell is
wrong with you?
Me: Tell Star I love him.
I end the call and hand over the phone to
Andile.
Me: So, as soon as I'm in Joburg, I'll see
what I can do for you.
Andile: Noted.
We go on to talk about work, and he fills
me in on everything I missed.

INSERT 219
Andile and I have been at it for a few
hours.
Andile: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Tonight?
He nods.
Me: Sleeping and watching TV.
He nods.
Me: Why? Do you have plans?
Andile: I’m going out with a few friends.
Me: Really? What do you mean? Like
clubbing?
He chuckles and shakes his head.
Me: I’ve been living in a bubble for the
past two years.
Andile: Would you like to join us?
Me: I’m tired now. I’ll let you know once
I’ve taken my nap.
Andile: Okay, grandma.
Me: Don’t come for me.
Andile: You convinced me to come to a
blind date that didn’t work out. You owe
me.
Me: Tell me about your friends.
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: I don’t hang around random people. I
need to have an idea of your people.
He laughs.
Me: Tell me…
Andile: Well, there’s two guys and one
girl.
I nod.
Andile: I don’t hang around kids, Ziyanda.
Me: I don’t want to be around dramatic
and petty people.
Andile: You don’t say…
Me: I’ll call you later.
Andile: Sure.
He pays for the bill.
Me: Such a gentleman.
Andile: I try...
We go our separate ways. As soon as I get
to the hotel, I pass out.
***
When I wake up, it’s around 6pm.
I go through my phone.
I’m shocked that Derek hasn’t called or
sent messages.
I call my mom first.
Mom: Baby!
Me: Hello, sthandwa.
Mom: How are you?
Me: I’m relaxed.
Mom: I’m glad. Ubuya nini? Little Star
misses you, it’s very clear now. She’s very
restless.
Me: Soon.
I love Little Star, but she needs to
understand that her mother almost died.
She must be patient kancane.
Me: How are things that side?
Mom: Everyone is calm. Kuzolunga.
Me: That’s good.
We continue chatting for a while.
Me: Shap ke.
Mom: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I end the call and video call Derek.
He answers after a while.
He looks like he’s busy cleaning his closet,
something he does weekly.
Me: Heey!
Derek: Hey.
Me: Shame, you don’t have to be so
grumpy!
He looks at me.
Me: How are you?
Derek: I’m okay.
Me: I just woke up from an amazing nap…
Derek: I can see.
Me: Derek, come on.
Derek: I’m not used to being away from
you.
I try not to roll my eyes.
I won’t tell him that I’ve decided that
moving forward, I’m going to dedicate
one weekend (monthly) to self-care. I’m
going to use that weekend to do me. This
thing of being around him and his people
everyday is what drives me crazy.
Derek: I’m glad you’re good.
Me: I just wanted to check in and let you
know that I’m going out tonight.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Derek: For dinner?
Me: Ya…
Derek: Alone? I know you’re a loner, but
isn’t that extreme?
Me: Andile asked me to join him and his
friends.
Derek: Is it?
Me: Aha. I watch him closely, trying to
analyse his expression, but he’s not giving
me anything. He is still looking at me
blankly.
Derek: Alright. I’m sure you’ll have a good
time.
Me: Do you mind?
Derek: Not at all. You are not a prisoner,
baby.
He smiles.
That's that fake smile.
Me: Okay then. I won’t stay out till late
though.
Derek: Bye. I love you.
Me: Love you too.
I end the call and chuckle.
If Dean was around, I know I wouldn’t be
allowed to go.
***
It’s around 8pm and I’m waiting for
Andile to fetch me.
He eventually calls to let me know that he
has arrived.
I get in the car.
Andile: Hey.
Me: Hey.
Andile: Are you well-rested?
I nod.
I am quite excited.
I think it’s because I’m planning on
drinking Smirnoff Storm waya waya. I’m
tired of champagne. Phela mina I gobble
down the tshwal quick fast. I can’t be
refilling that tiny flute every minute.
We get to the restaurant and we are led to
our table outside.
Andile’s friends are already there.
They greet him happily.
Andile: This is Ziyanda.
The girl looks at me excitedly.
Andile: Zinzi, relax…
Zinzi: You finally have a woman!
Me: Whoaa!
Andile: No, no, no. Ziyanda is a colleague.
Me: And, Ziyanda is getting married soon.
Zinzi laughs.
Zinzi: I’m sorry!
She takes my hand and touches my ring.
Zinzi: Yhu, I’m sorry.
Me: It’s okay.
Andile: Geesh, anyway, Ziyanda, this is
Zinzi… This is Thokozani and this is
Tebogo.
Me: Nice to meet you.
Zinzi: Nice to meet you too!
We all sit and get our drinks.
Zinzi: You from Joburg?
Me: Yep. Are you from here?
Zinzi: Not really, but we’re studying full-
time at UCT.
Me: Master’s?
Zinzi shakes her head. Zinzi: PhD.
Lord.
Am I the only bitch that stopped going to
school after doing their Honours?
They go on to tell me about what they are
studying.
Zinzi: How is Andile? We are worried
about him.
Me: Why?
Zinzi: He has been single for too long.
I chuckle.
Me: Don’t be too hard on him. There’s
nothing wrong with being single.
Tebogo: Hai, he must find someone.
Me: Don’t worry, I’ll hook him up.
Tebogo: Keep us posted, please.
Me: Will do.
We continue chatting for a while until our
drinks are served.
They seem like good people.
***
It’s now around 10pm and I’m tipsy.
I go to the bathroom to pee. As I’m
washing my hands, someone squeals and
I look at them weirdly.
Me: Nomi??
Nomi: Zizi!
We share a hug.
She is also very tipsy.
Me: What are you doing here??
Nomi: I don’t have a job. All I do is spend
my parents’ money- that’s what I do for a
living!
I am shook.
Also, she looks great!
Nomi: What are you doing here??
Me: Needed a break from everything.
Nomi: Girl, you don’t even need to
explain!
She hugs me again excitedly.
Nomi: Are you here alone??
I shake my head.
Me: I’m here with Andile’s friends.
Nomi: Andile?
I nod.
Nomi: The idiot that tossed me?
I clear my throat and she laughs happily.
Nomi: Fuck him!
She washes her hands and we walk out.
Nomi: Let’s go!
Me: Uhm-
She shakes her head.
Nomi: We are young! We are alive! Let’s
do the most!
How old is she? I’m not trying to judge
her, but she’s behaving like a varsity
student.
Nomi: Ditch that hot motherfucker! Let’s
paint the town red!
We get to the table and Andile looks
shocked. I clear my throat.
Nomi: Take your bag, Zi.
Lord.
Zinzi: And then?
Me: This is my friend, Nomi.
She’s not really my friend, but I don’t
want to be rude.
Nomi: Hi, everyone.
She looks at me.
Nomi: Your bag.
Andile looks at me.
Me: Uhm, Nomi wants to go out.
Zinzi: That was part of our plan. We can
go together.
Nomi: Hai, we’re okay. You guys can carry
on eating your chicken wings. Zizi, let’s
go.
She takes my bag.
Nomi: Were you drinking Storm?
I nod.
Nomi: Sies, Ziyanda.
I feel like everything is happening too fast
right now!
What’s happening?
Also, ndi-woozy, man.
I’m not following.
Andile: Where are you going?
Nomi: We’ll see. She takes my Storm.
Nomi: I’m sure Andile will pay the bill.
Phela we covered his bill when he
rejected me and stormed off.
I look at her in disbelief.
Nomi: Get it? Stormed off?
She shows me my unfinished Storm and
giggles.
Is this real?
I find myself laughing in shock.
Andile: Zi, will you be fine?
Nomi: Hai suka, asijoli nawe wena.
She takes my arm and leads me out of the
restaurant.
Me: Nomi!
Nomi: Hai suka!
We get in a car.
Me: Whose car is this?
Nomi: My uncle. That’s his driver.
I look at the man and greet him. He greets
me back with a smile and then glances at
Nomi expectantly.
Nomi tells him where to go, then he
drives off.
Me: I am shook.
She giggles and grabs a bottle of
champagne from God knows where.
Yazi, Nomi’s life is a movie.
Nomi: We’re going to have lots of fun!
We get to a club and go to our table. Yazi,
I’m from the township. I’m ghetto. Yes, I
fool people with my great English, but I’m
ghetto. You will never find me in such
spaces. These clubs are not for me. I don’t
see why I should book a table for two
grand and be surrounded by people who
are constantly taking videos for their
followers on Instagram, showing off big
ass shiny champagne bottles. I’m too
ghetto for such people. I can’t stand being
around wealthy young people.
Iyabahlanyisa imali.
Nomi is right at home ke yena, because
the bitch is filthy rich. Mina, the only way
I can survive this is by getting drunk.
Nomi pours me champagne and I gobble it
down.
Me: I need something stronger. This is not
working for me.
She laughs as she orders gin.
Nomi: I make mean cocktails!
***
Heyi, Nomi can party!
I judged her too soon.
We are both sweating from all the
dancing.
I’m drunk, but I’m still aware of what is
going on.
Nomi reminds me of Niki- she knows how
to have a good time, and that shit is
contagious.
As we’re dancing, I feel someone wrap
their arms around me.
I turn around and push the person.
A girl can’t even go out in peace without a
horny man thinking he can claim.
Nomi slaps him and we continue dancing
and drinking.
I’ve lost track of time.
***
Nomi and I make our way outside.
We’re laughing and giggling about
nothing in particular.
Me: Where’s your driver?
Nomi: Argh.
She takes out her phone and dials his
number. I think that whole process took
her 10 minutes.
Out of nowhere, Nomi and I are pushed
roughly.
Nomi falls to the ground.
This man walks to us and I immediately
recognise him.
He’s the guy who wrapped his arms
around me and was slapped by Nomi.
Nomi is busy screaming.
Me: What the hell?
Guy: Who the fuck do you think you are?
How dare you put your hands on me?
Me: What the hell! You-
I feel my whole body shiver as he throws
a punch at me.
I don’t know where I got the strength
from, but I fight him.
I throw fists as well.
Thankfully, he’s also drunk, so he’s not
that strong.
Nomi hits him with her bag while I
continue punching him back to back.
Suddenly, he regains his strength and
throws another punch.
I lose it.
Uyanya lo.
Out of nowhere, people are intervening.
Person: Ziyanda!
Two guys hold the idiot.
Andile: Ziyanda??
Me: He attacked us! Andile pushes me
away and goes on to beat up the guy.
I also attempt to continue punching him,
but someone else stops me.
The bouncers intervene and stop the
fight.
Andile explains what happened.
Tebogo, Andile’s friend, takes Nomi and I
to the car.
Nomi: I want to know his name! My dad
will deal with him!
She keeps screaming and I slap her.
Me: Shut up.
She looks at me in shock.
Me: Get in the car.
She gets in the car.
Andile walks to us.
Andile: Get in.
I get in the car.
Andile drives off.
Andile: You okay?
Me: Ya.
It’s silent for the rest of the way.
After a while, we finally get to the hotel.
Andile: Will you be okay, or should I
accompany you?
Me: We’ll be fine.
Nomi: Ziyanda is not your girlfriend
wena.
With that said, she walks out of the car.
Lord.
Me: I’m sorry about that.
Andile: Genuinely don’t give a fuck.
I sigh.
Andile: Shap.
Me: Thanks.
I get out of the car and that’s when I
realise that I’m actually quite drunk.
Nomi and I walk in.
We approach the reception.
Haibo!
Nomi laughs.
Nomi: Yhuu I’m so drunk! For a second
there I thought I saw Lwazi!
Me: It’s them!
Derek, Dean and Nolwazi are standing
there…
Nomi: Really?
Me: Let’s go to your place-
Nomi: Lwazi!
Me: Nomi, really??
Nolwazi turns and looks back.
Nomi: Yaaas! Friend!
Fuck.
Dean and Derek turn.
Nomi: Zi, your man is here too! I groan as
all three of them walk to us like Charlie’s
Angels.

INSERT 220
Nomi throws herself at Nolwazi.
Nomi: Friend!
I feel like I’m dreaming.
I just want to sleep.
Derek walks to me.
The look on his face?
He looks like he is struggling to grasp
what is happening.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: I wanna sleep! Sleeeep!
Dean: You’re making noise, you hooligan.
Me: Ngifuna ukulalaaa!
Nomi: Let’s go out, guys!
Nomi and I laugh.
Dean: Ziyand-
Me: Heyiii, in the words of Nomi,
ANGIJOLI NAWE!
They all stare at me in shock, then Nomi
starts laughing all over again and I join
her.
Me: Who invited you here? Who asked
you to come??
Nomi: Nobaaady baybaay!
Me: Nomi, let’s go sleep in MY room! She
grabs my arm and we stagger to my room.
I don’t know what happened thereafter.
***
When I wake up, the first thing I do is
vomit.
Seconds later, someone else vomits.
I vomit even more.
Who put this ice bucket here?
I continue vomiting.
After a while, I groan.
I’m in pain.
I am in excruciating pain!
As soon as I stand up, I fall.
I sit there staring at nothing.
I’m still drunk.
Nomi: Friend.
Me: Hmm.
I try to stand again and wince.
Nomi: Shit, this hangover is bad. I feel like
I’m dying!
I make my way to the bathroom.
***
I feel someone shaking me and I groan
loudly.
I open my eyes and see Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: Zi… I look at her.
Nolwazi: You have to get up.
I look around. I’m in the bathroom.
I’m in the bathtub.
My clothes are still on. How did I end up
sleeping here?
Nolwazi helps me get out of the bathtub.
Nolwazi: Did you really pass out here?
I shrug.
Nolwazi: I’ll fill it up with water this time.
She smiles sweetly.
I go to my bed and throw myself there
next to Nomi.
I pass out immediately.
***
I don’t know why I keep struggling to
wake up. I just want to be in bed till I feel
better.
I’m awakened by the need to pee. I get up
and go to the bathroom.
As soon as I see my face in the mirror, I let
out a scream.
I rush out and find Nomi lying on the bed,
naked.
Me: Nomi!
I shake her.
Nomi: Hmm?
Me: What happened to my face??
She opens her eyes and groans.
Nomi: You got into a fight. I sit on the
edge of the bed and allow my mind to
refresh. I remember everything that
happened.
I got into a fight with a drunk man.
I walk back to the bathroom and stare at
my reflection.
My left eye is badly swollen and it’s
purplish. I try to touch it, and squeal.
The pain is too much.
Then, I remember the last part of our
night.
Derek is here.
Why?
Who invited him here?
I'm not thrilled about this one bit. He
needs to respect my need for space.
I take a shower.
I don't care that I'm in a 100 star hotel, I
just struggle with using other people's
bathtubs. I can't stop think about
strangers’ butt cracks marinating in
there…
I'd rather use the shower, and put on my
flip flops.
I hiss as I think about Derek, Dean and
Nolwazi.
I know Dean is the one who suggested
they come here.
I wince as the water splashes on my left
eye.
How dare they?
Why would Derek agree to coming, when
he knows that I want to be left alone for
some time? I'm not happy about this.
There's nothing funny about them
showing up unexpectedly and not asking
for permission.
Petty is upset. She is not happy.
After a while, I finish up. Nomi walks in
the bathroom.
Nomi: Please fill up the tub for me.
Me: Hai I’m not your maid.
Nomi: Moody much?
I walk out and get dressed. I’m actually
quite annoyed by these people.
Can’t a person get personal space in
peace?
Ngapha my eye is doing the most.
Rha.
***
It’s around 1pm and I haven’t eaten. I’ve
decided that I’m not going to have lunch
here. I’ll go somewhere else, hopefully no
one will follow me.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door.
The door opens and Dean and Derek walk
in. I don’t know. I feel like now that the
truth is out, they look even more alike. It’s
creepy.
Dean: She’s alive…
They sit on the bed and look at me.
Derek still looks confused, I don’t know
what his problem is.
Dean: Where are you off to?
Me: I don’t know.
Dean: You’re not joining us for lunch?
Me: No.
I look at Derek.
Me: Why are you here?
Dean: Take off those sunglasses, you
know I hate that shit indoors.
Me: No. You all need to leave me the fuck
alone. Do you not understand what
personal space means?
I look at Derek.
Derek: Hello to you too.
I take a deep breath.
Me: Derek, why are you here?
Derek: I’m here for a work conference.
Me: Oh, really?
He nods coolly.
Me: And, out of all the hotels in this city,
you chose this one? And you dragged your
sidekick as well?
Dean: Ungazonya wena. Who is-
Me: Shut up. I’ll deal with you next.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Derek, I feel disrespected.
Derek: Have I bothered you since I got
here?
I cross my arms.
Derek: I’m here for work.
Me: Andile said the conference is today.
Derek: Starts today and ends on Friday.
Me: When were you planning on telling
me about this conference?
Derek: You’ve obviously been busy.
He thinks I’m stupid. He also thinks I can’t
see the smile he’s trying to hide.
I focus on Dean.
Me: And, you just had to tag along, didn’t
you?
Dean: Heyi, do-
Me: Shut up.
Dean: For your information, Nolwazi
wanted a break from Joburg as well. She’s
the one who suggested this hotel. How
was I supposed to know that you’re here?
Me: Bullshit.
Derek: This is all a coincidence, baby.
Me: Mxm.
He stands and steps closer to me, but I
step back.
Me: Don’t touch me, Satan!
He chuckles.
Derek: Baby, I’m here for work, I promise.
Me: Then get out and do you! Can’t a bitch
get a break from you people??
Dean: Futsek wena. You’re making it seem
like we are bad news.
Me: Argh.
I get my bag and Derek grabs me before I
can escape.
Derek: Not even a hug?
Me: No, you don’t deserve shit from me.
I’m going to leave this hotel.
Derek: Baby, stop.
Just then, Nomi emerges.
We all stare at her in shock.
Our jaws are on the floor.
The bitch is naked.
Nomi: Oh… I didn’t know we had guests.
She casually takes the towel I was using,
and wraps it around her body.
Nomi: Hey, guys.
She smiles.
Dean: Nomi, why unje ye?
Nomi: I didn’t know you guys were in
here.
Dean: So is that what you do with
Ziyanda?
Nomi: Hawu, don’t you get naked around
your friends?
I quickly push Derek away.
Me: I’m hungry. I'm leaving.
Derek: Ziyanda come on.
Nomi: Zi, how’s your eye?
Derek: Eye?
Nomi looks at me sadly.
Nomi: She has the biggest blue eye I’ve
ever seen.
Derek: What?
Me: Damnit, Nomcebo!
Derek takes my arm and pulls me closer
to him.
I try to fight him off, but he has already
snatched off my shades.
Derek: What the fuck?
I look at him angrily.
I’m hungry!
Dean: Ziyanda, what the hell happened??
Derek presses himself against me and
stares at my eye.
Nomi: We got into a fight with some guy
who wanted to fuck Zi.
Me: Really, Nomi? Can’t you shut up for
just a minute?
Nomi: Yoh, I’m sor-
Me: Hai man. Go get dressed and get out
of my room.
Nomi walks to the bathroom.
Me: Derek, let go of me.
He lets go of me and I sit on the edge of
the bed next to Dean.
Dean: What happened?
Me: Got into a fight with a drunk guy.
Nothing deep.
Derek: Nothing deep? Do you not see how
your eye is?
I try to roll my eyes, but end up wincing
from the pain.
Dean: She was with Andile.
Me: No, I wasn’t.
I look at Derek.
Me: I was with Nomi.
Dean: Unamanga. You’re doing that stupid
thing of yours where you try to protect
idiots.
Me: You don’t know me wena.
I stand and look at both of them.
Me: Don’t you have therapy sessions to
attend? Don't you have trauma to get
over?
They look at me in disbelief.
Me: I want to be left alone. Go away.
I take my shades from the floor and put
them on.
Just as I’m about to take my bag, Dean
quickly rushes to it and grabs it before I
can.
Me: Dean.
Dean: You’re not going anywhere until
you tell us what happened and who
punched you.
Me: Dean, give me my bag!
Dean: No.
Me: Dean-
Dean: No.
Me: Give me my bag!
Dean: No-
I push him hard and he backs off. I push
him again and he loses balance a bit.
I snatch my bag from him, and hit him
with it twice.
Me: Futsek!
I throw another hit and then walk to the
door.
Me: Leave me alone!
I walk out and shut the door.

INSERT 221
I get to the restaurant and place my order.
I'm still drunk.
I'm hungry.
I'm tired.
The last people I want to see are currently
forcing themselves on me.
I'm annoyed.
I don't care how much you miss me. We
had an agreement. I made it clear that I
want to be alone. I made it crystal clear
that I need some time away from the
toxicity. Yet here you are, making it seem
like I'm the crazy one for being angry?
I want to be left alone.
I don't want a vacation family vacation.
Had I wanted one, I would have requested
one.
I am beyond annoyed.
I don't find this cute or funny at all.
He must take his sidekicks and stay very
far from me.
I call Melinda.
She answers after a while.
Melinda: Zi?
She knows I need to vent.
Me: Derek decided to come here with
Dean and Nolwazi.
Melinda: Really?
Me: Yes. They didn't even let me know, let
alone ask for permission.
She listens.
Me: I'm frustrated. I feel like he thinks my
need for space is a joke. None of them are
taking it seriously.
Melinda: I thought Derek understood
your need for space.
Me: Apparently not! I'm really angry,
Melinda. I just want to be left alone, is that
too much to ask?
Melinda: Not at all.
I groan.
Melinda: Did you remove yourself from
the situation?
Me: Ya.
Melinda: Is this the only reason you're
upset?
Me: Not really.
Melinda: I'm listening.
Me: I got into a fight with a drunk man
last night. I was in a club, and he started
grabbing me inappropriately… As we
were about to leave, he attacked me. I got
into a fist fight with him. My eye is fucked
up.
Melinda: Oh, no…
I groan angrily.
Me: I just don't understand why a woman
can't go out freely. We always have to
stress about these animals who don't
respect us.
Melinda: It's angering.
Me: This man triggered me. For a moment
there, it felt like I was trying to defend
myself from that abusive ex of mine.
I continue venting for a while.
Melinda: Sit Derek down and explain how
you feel.
Me: He won't listen.
Melinda: You have to tell him.
Me: Hmkay.
Melinda: Let me know how it goes.
Me: Hmkay. Bye.
Melinda: Bye.
I end the call and my order arrives after
some time.
I take out my journal and begin reflecting
on last night.
I hate the way that stranger made me feel.
I think that's what pisses me off more
than anything.
The Derek thing is the cherry on top…
***
It’s now around 4pm.
I've just paid my bill.
My phone rings and I answer it.
Me: Hello, Andile.
Andile: Hi, how are you?
Me: I'm okay, and you?
Andile: I'm good. I was just checking in.
Me: My eye is fucked up.
Andile: I can't believe that idiot actually
put his hands on you two.
I sigh.
Andile: Well, I'm glad you're okay.
Me: When are you going back to Joburg?
Andile: I'm here for the whole week. The
conference ends on Friday.
Mxm.
Andile: Derek called me just now, telling
me that he's going to join me.
Me: Is it?
Andile: Yep.
Me: Hmkay. Bye.
Andile: You sure you're good?
Me: Ya, just tired from yesterday.
Andile: You guys were wasted.
Me: I may have underestimated Nomi.
He chuckles.
Me: Bye.
Andile: Shap. I hang up.
***
When I get to my room, it's locked.
For fuck’s sake.
I left my key in there when I stormed off.
Who has my key now?
I dial Nolwazi’s number.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hey. Can I have my room key?
Nolwazi: Dean and I are not around. You
can go to Derek’s room, he has your key.
She tells me his room number.
Me: Bye.
Nolwazi: Bye, love.
I hang up and make my way to Derek’s
room on the other side.
I knock.
No answer.
I knock again.
The door opens after 5 minutes.
Derek: Hey.
Me: Hey.
He steps back.
Me: Can I have my key?
Derek: Come in.
I walk in. He locks the door.
Me: I just want my key, Derek.
Derek: Dean has your key.
Me: Nolwazi says you have it.
He shakes his head.
Derek: Dean took it.
Me: So, what must happen now?
Derek: Isn't he in his room?
Me: Derek! I don't have time for this. Give
me my key!
Derek: Baby, Dean has it.
Me: Damnit.
I walk to the bedroom and take off my
shoes and my dress, then I get in bed.
I'm too tipsy and hungover for this shit.
***
When I wake up, I find Derek sleeping
next to me.
Before I turn, he pulls me closer to him
and our faces almost touch.
Derek: Baby.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: I don’t want you to be mad at me.
Me: How do you expect me to react? You
dismissed my wishes.
He sighs.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: Why? You’re telling me you couldn’t
wait another two weeks?
Derek: No, Ziyanda, I was suffering from
separation anxiety.
I hiss.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: I don’t accept your apology.
Derek: You want me to leave?
Me: Yes.
Derek: Yoh, okay.
He places his lips on mine.
Derek: You don’t forgive me?
I shake my head.
He kisses me.
Derek: Who punched you?
Me: I don’t know.
Derek: You sure?
Me: Ya.
Derek: It looks painful.
Me: It is.
He plants a kiss on my lips and
repositions so he’s on top.
I’m trying my best to hold on to my anger,
but he’s making it very difficult.
Sex with Derek is something else. When
we’re in the moment, I lose all sense of
reality. He could easily ask me to take out
a loan for him, and I’d run to Capfin,
naked.
He cums a short while after me, and we
continue holding on to each other.
Derek: I’m sorry, okay?
Me: You think one quick round is going to
tame me? He smiles brightly.
Me: You still have a long way to go.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: You still want me to leave?
Me: We’ll see…
He laughs quietly.
***
Derek: I haven’t eaten all day.
Me: Why?
Derek: When The Great Dlamini is mad at
you, your appetite perishes.
I giggle.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door.
He puts on his gown and gets out of bed.
A minute later, I can hear Dean and Nomi.
Dean: Did she come to you?
Derek: Yep.
Dean: I guess you’re smart after all…
Dean walks in and looks at me.
Dean: All that anger stemmed from being
horny?
I don’t say anything.
Dean: Umubi kanjani with that blue eye.
Me: I refuse to acknowledge your
negativity.
Nomi sits on the bed and looks at me.
How does she manage to look so great,
while I’m out here looking like the ugly
swollen stepsister?
Nomi: By the way, my uncle found the
idiot who attacked us, Zi. The situation is
being dealt with as we speak.
Me: Huh??
Dean: For fuck’s sake, Nomi. Why can’t
you keep your mouth shut?
Me: How did you find him??
Nomi: Derek called the club and asked
them to check the camera footage. My
uncle then found him. It really wasn’t too
complicated.
I look at Derek.
Derek: What?
I sigh.
Me: Can you all excuse me. I’d like to get
dressed.
Dean: Don’t worry, we’re leaving. We just
came to make sure that you were here.
Me: Nomcebo, do you have my room key?
Nomi looks at me weirdly.
Nomi: Nomcebo? Who’s that?
Kanti what’s her name?
Dean starts laughing.
Dean: You’re both such idiots.
Nomi: Nomthandazo.
I don’t say anything.
All this time I thought she was Nomcebo.
Nomi: Anyway, Zi, are you keen on going
out tonight?
Dean: No-
Me: Actually, I would love to.
Nomi looks at me excitedly.
Nomi: Are you serious??
Me: Yep.
Dean and Derek stare at each other.
Nomi: You must invite Andile. I refuse to
believe that he doesn't want me. I’ll fuck
him and change his entire life.
Whoa.
Nomi: Let’s have dinner first. I’ll go home
to freshen up properly, so I can woo
Andile.
With that said, she walks out.
Derek: You’re going out again?
I look at him blankly.
Dean: I swear I’m being tested.
Me: Dean, who invited you here?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Futsek, man. Angijoli nawe.
Dean: The day you decided to include
yourself in my brother’s life is the day you
signed up for me as well.
Me: Mxm!
Dean: Ngobubi.
Me: Derek!
Derek stifles a laugh.
Derek: Just go, Dean.
Dean: Now we have to babysit you.
Me: You weren’t invi-
Derek: Baby, you can’t possibly think that
getting drunk with Nomi is safe.
I look at Derek in disbelief
Derek: I’m not crazy. I won’t allow that.
Me: Just go have your damn dinner, and
leave me alone!
Derek chuckles as he walks to the
bathroom.
Dean: Thankfully, your ugly face is
enough to chase stray dogs away.
Me: Out!
Dean laughs as he walks out and closes
the door.
Nxa.

INSERT 222 (Unedited)

I’m now in my room.
I’m applying makeup on my ugly face.
I need to make sure that this black eye
doesn’t show. The swelling has went
down a bit, but the eye is still not fully
open.
I look at myself.
I’m not as ugly as I was earlier. At least I
am lookable.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door, and
I ignore it.
I want Derek to reevaluate his life today.
I’ll be a sexy swollen-faced bitch.
My phone rings.
I answer.
Me: Yes.
Derek: I’ve been knocking for 20 minutes
now.
Me: Ufunani?
Derek: Baby, please open the door.
I walk to the door and open it.
He looks at me in shock.
Me: What?
Derek: Umuhle.
Me: I know.
I walk back to the bathroom and leave
him there.
I finish up and when I walk out, Dean,
Nolwazi and Nomi are there.
I’m actually glad that I’m not the only one
who put in effort. We all look great! Well,
my face is not 100% right now, but fuck
that, I look good!
I like Nomi a lot. She’s cool. I think she’s
officially my party girl.
Derek: Ladies, you look beautiful.
Nolwazi: I don’t go out a lot, so I’m very
excited.
Nomi: Friend, Zizi and I had a great time.
Tonight will be even better! Our table is
booked and ready.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door.
Nolwazi: I’ll get that.
She walks to the door.
She comes back with a bottle of
champagne.
Dean: You know I don’t drink that shit.
Derek also shakes his head
disapprovingly.
Nolwazi: Party Poopers!
Nomi: We need to make a toast!
Nolwazi pops the bottle and pours some
for all of us.
Nomi: To a fun night with real-ass friends!
Nolwazi: Yaas!
I don’t know why Dean and Derek are
tagging along. They’re still in the
doghouse.
Nomi, Nolwazi and I finish the bottle in 10
minutes.
It’s now around 7pm.
The plan is have dinner first and then go
to the club.
Never in my life did I think I’d willingly go
to a club. Phela I hate clubbing, but Nomi
is such a fun person to be around, that I
don’t mind!
***
We get to the restaurant and go to our
table.
Nolwazi: I don’t like that waitress.
Nomi laughs.
I also don’t like her, there’s something
shady about her.
The waitress comes back.
Waitress: My name is Anele.
Nomi: Hey, Anele.
Nomi orders champagne for us and Derek
orders whiskey for him and Dean.
Anele then takes our food orders.
She looks at Derek and smiles too brightly
for my liking.
Anele: Would you like to try our steak?
Everyone loves it.
Me: He doesn’t eat meat.
Anele looks at me sharply, while everyone
looks at me in shock. I look at Derek.
Me: He’s vegetarian.
Dean suddenly laughs loudly.
Me: Right, Star?
Derek: Uhm, ya. I’m vegetarian.
He then looks at the waitress.
Derek: I don’t eat meat
Anele: Well, we have a great selection of-
Me: Bring him a green salad. He doesn’t
eat a lot.
Anele glances at Derek, hoping he’ll
disagree, but the nigga knows better.
Derek: Yes…
I look at her.
Me: Thanks, that will be all.
She walks away and I huff.
Dean is still laughing.
Nolwazi: You did well, Zi. I was also
thinking about checking her!
Nomi: Yhu, I can’t relate.
Derek looks at me. It’s clear that he’s
trying not to laugh at me.
Nolwazi: Friend, kanti when is Andile
arriving?
Nomi: Don’t ask me. Zi is the middleman.
Nolwazi looks at me and I take out my
phone.
I see a message from Andile.
Me: He says he’ll meet us at the club.
Nolwazi: Alright.
Nomi: He better come.
Nolwazi: I’ve never seen you this
interested in someone.
Nomi: He seems cool. He’s just a little
stuck up.
Nolwazi: He’ll open up.
Nomi: Hopefully, he’ll open up my legs.
Nolwazi: Nomi!
Yhu, Nomi is being very aggressive right
now, and I’m nervous. Andile made it
clear that he doesn’t want her. I don’t
know what will happen tonight, but I’m
nervous for Nomi.
Nomi: Let me go to the bathroom.
She walks away.
Dean: Is anyone going to tell her that
Andile is in love with Ziyanda?
I take a napkin and throw it at him.
Me: Derek, tell him to stop!
Derek looks at Dean and they chuckle.
Derek: Andile is not in love with Ziyanda.
Me: Is that all??
Derek: What do you want me to say,
baby?
Me: Tell him to stop annoying me!
Nolwazi: Kodwa, Langa, you’re doing the
most.
Dean continues chuckling.
Me: It won’t be nice when I shut you out.
Dean: Okay, I’m sorry…
I grunt.
Dean: But, Nomi needs to stop chasing
him. He made it clear that she’s not his
type.
Nolwazi: I’ll talk to her.
Nomi walks back and sits.
Minutes later, the waitress comes back
with our drinks.
Nomi: Thanks, Anele.
Anele smiles as she looks at Derek.
When she looks at me, she switches up. I
look at her coldly.
Nomi: More champagne!
Nolwazi: Yaaas!
At this point, I have decided that I will not
eat or drink anything from here. I know
what these waitresses are capable of
when they don’t like you. For all I know,
my burger patty will be stuffed in her
tired vagina before it is served, and my
water will be mixed with her semen-
infested spit.
I’m not having that.
Me: Can I please have bottled water.
Anele: Sure.
She walks off.
Nomi: Water?? Really??
Me: Ya, I’ll drink later.
I feel Derek’s hand on my thigh. I look at
him and he winks.
Me: What?
He plants a kiss on cheek and I feel his
lips by my ear.
Derek: I’m finding you very cute right
now.
I roll my eyes and wince.
Derek: Is it still painful?
Me: Ya.
Derek: That bastard is lucky I wasn’t
there.
Me: You would have beat him up?
Derek: Of course.
Me: Andile beat him up.
Derek: Really?
I nod.
Me: Didn’t even know that he was in the
same club.
Derek: I’ll thank him personally.
He plants another kiss on my cheek and I
find myself smiling.
Derek: Is that a smile I see?
Me: Don’t come for me.
He laughs as he drinks his whiskey.
When the food comes, I stick to eating the
fries. As scrumptious as the burger looks,
I avoid it.
Derek on the other hand, looks miserable
as he chews his green salad.
Dean: How’s it going there, Mr.
Vegetarian?
Nolwazi and Nomi laugh.
Nolwazi: That’s what you get for
entertaining random bitches.
Derek: I didn’t even do anything!
Nomi: You’re attractive. That’s what you
get for being a chick magnet.
Dean: What exactly are you saying? You
do know that we’re twins, right?
Nomi: What?! Really??
She stares at them in shock.
Nomi: Okay, but I’m not really surprised.
Nolwazi: Manje wena why are you
touched about Star being chick magnet?
Dean: I’m more attractive than Derek.
That makes me laugh.
Dean: Why are you laughing?
Me: Sweety, you have nothing on Derek.
Dean: Uyanya.
Derek: I find it laughable that you think
you’re more good-looking.
We listen to them debate for the next 10
minutes.
***
It’s now around 10pm.
We’re heading to the club.
Me: Please go to a McDonald’s drive
through.
Nomi: What??
Me: I’m hungry. I don’t want to drink on
an empty stomach.
Dean: Are you serious?
Derek: Listen, I’m also hungry. Dean, go to
McDonald’s.
Dean: You people chose not to eat. Now,
you’re making it our problem…
Me: Just drive to McDonald’s and stop
annoying me!
Dean: Mxm.
My stomach growls. I feel like my insides
are eating each other.

INSERT 223
We get to the club.
Nomi leads us to our table and
immediately orders drinks.
Nomi: Are you having gin, Zi?
I shake my head.
Me: The McDonald's hasn't digested. I'll
stick to water for now.
Nolwazi pours herself some champagne
and drinks happily.
Minutes later, I get a text from Andile,
telling me that he is outside.
Me: I'll go fetch him.
Derek nods lightly as I walk away. I find
him outside.
Me: Hey.
We share a hug.
Andile: When did you get here?
Me: Maybe 20 minutes ago.
He nods and we walk in.
When we get to our area, we find Nomi
dancing with Nolwazi.
These two are already tipsy. They drank
two bottles of champagne at the
restaurant. Now, they’re attacking
another bottle. I don’t know how Nomi
does it, but the bitch can consume alcohol.
I’m out here still recovering from last
night’s mess.
Andile goes to Derek first.
Derek: What's up?
They share a hug.
Andile: You good?
Derek: Yep. Andile then looks at Dean,
who's sitting.
They stare at each other for a few
seconds, and eventually nod at the same
time.
Nolwazi: Hey, Andile!
Nolwazi gives him a hug.
Nomi straight up ignores him.
Andile glances around.
He doesn't seem bothered by Nomi
ignoring him.
Derek: What are you drinking?
Andile: Water for now…
Dean pours himself some whiskey.
Dean: D, you'll drive. The only way I'll
survive this shit is if I drink.
Derek laughs and nods.
Me: You're not drinking?
Derek: WE are not drinking.
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: I magically became a vegetarian
today. You owe me. I'm not going to be
sober alone.
Me: You must be mistaken. You seem to
have forgotten that this is MY vacation,
and none of you were invited.
He looks at me disapprovingly.
Me: I'm just waiting for this Big Mac to
digest properly and then ngizobuhlaba.
He grunts.
Andile sits next to me.
Me: How did the conference go?
Andile: Boring. I was sleepy the whole
time.
Me: Derek will be joining you tomorrow.
Derek: Hai hai.
Me: Hai phela, you said you came here for
this conference.
Derek: I've changed my mind.
Andile chuckles.
Andile: You're not missing out on much.
That shit is boring.
Derek: I wasn't planning on coming
anyway.
I excuse myself and go to Nomi and
Nolwazi.
Derek is starting to piss me off. He's
clearly not taking my need for space
seriously. He thinks it's a joke.
Nomi: He didn't greet me.
I pour myself some champagne and don't
say anything.
Nomi: That motherfucker.
Nolwazi: Friend, there are plenty of men
out there. You can't be chasing after
someone who doesn't want you.
Nomi: We’ll see about that.
As soon as I take a sip of the champagne,
my insides twist and turn. I shake my
head and put down the flute.
Nolwazi: And then?
Nomi: She hasn’t recovered from last
night.
Me: It’s the food. I’m too full.
I feel someone nudge me and I turn.
I squeal as soon as I see Niki.
Niki: No, bitch. Don’t you dare touch me!
Me: Friend!
Niki: What the hell is wrong with you??
You’ve been MIA for weeks.
I try to hug her and she pushes me away.
Me: Friend, we’ll talk later… Things have
been hectic.
She stares at me angrily.
I hug her.
Me: Trust me.
Niki: Mxm.
Nolwazi: Niki!
Niki smiles at Nolwazi.
Niki: Hey, Lwazi. How are you?
Nolwazi: I’m great, and you?
Niki: I’m a bit pissed.
She gives me a look.
Niki: But, I’m alright.
They share a hug and then Niki looks at
me again.
Niki: What are you even doing here?
Me: I was taking a break, then my space
was invaded.
Niki: Derek couldn’t stay away?
I roll my eyes.
Me: Why are you here?
Niki: Kwanele and I have been traveling a
lot...
Me: Hehe, must be nice.
Nolwazi: You’re here with Kwani? I look
at Nolwazi weirdly.
Me: Kwani?
Nolwazi: Force of habit.
She chuckles.
Niki: Ya, I’m here with him…
Nolwazi: Haike, that’s unfortunate. Dean
is here, and there’s no one he hates more
than Kwanele. I would have loved to
dance the night away with you.
Niki: Nah, we’re good. I’m not trying to
check your aggressive man.
Nolwazi: Watch it now.
They smile at each other.
Me: When are you leaving CPT?
Niki: Next week. We got here yesterday.
We just came back from Mpumalanga.
Me: Haibo, Nikiwe. You’re living your best
life mos.
Niki: Definitely. I’m with an established
man. He’s exposing me to some great shit.
I stare at her in amazement. Her glo up is
on another level. When am I going to glo
up permanently? Every time I get to that
point, life comes at me fast, and I’m left
looking fucked up. I’m starting to think I’ll
never experience a proper glo up.
Niki: Anyway, enjoy your night guys.
Nolwazi: We can meet up tomorrow.
Niki: Cool.
Nomi: You’re seriously dating Kwani?
Niki looks at Nomi blankly.
Nomi: Can I come with you? I’d like to say
hi to him.
Niki: Uhm, sure.
Nomi takes Niki’s arm and they walk off. I
don’t even want to go to Dean and Derek’s
side, because I know Dean is going to
annoy me.
Nolwazi: Don’t even think of going there.
I’m not in the mood to deal with Dean’s
craziness. Let’s drink.
She pours herself some champagne and
drinks happily.
Seconds later, my phone vibrates.
Gosh.
It’s a message.
Dean: I hope you told your friend not to
bring that son of a bitch here.
I ignore the message.
Seconds later, I get a message from Derek.
Derek: I miss you. Come back.
I groan.
Nolwazi is now dancing with some girl
who came out of nowhere. Part of me
thinks she’s here for our drinks. Phela you
can’t trust these hoes.
I stand and go to Derek’s side. I sit
between him and Andile.
He places his hand on my thigh.
Derek: That’s more like it…
He looks at me.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m not feeling well.
He looks at me seriously.
Me: I’ll be fine.
I look at Andile.
Me: I think Nomi didn’t take your
rejection well. He smirks.
Andile: Really?
I nod.
Andile: I tend to have that effect of
women.
Me: Euww, no. You’re not a stuck up man.
Stop it.
He chuckles.
Andile: I’m ready to drink now.
He stands.
Andile: I’ll be back soon.
He walks away.
Yesterday was so much fun. Today is
different.
I genuinely feel like Dean, Nolwazi and
Derek are cockblocking me. I love them,
but I’m really not happy to see them, not
now.
***
We’ve been here for around two hours
now.
Nolwazi is proper drunk.
Dean is tipsy. I’ve learnt that he becomes
invisible when he is drinking. He doesn’t
talk at all.
Nomi and Nolwazi have been dancing like
lunatics with that random girl. They seem
to be having fun.
Me: I’d like to check on Niki.
Derek nods.
I stand and go to where Niki is.
When I get there, she’s laughing with
Kwanele.
I squeeze myself between them.
Me: Hey, lovebirds.
Kwanele: Hey, Zi.
Me: Why didn’t you come say hi to me?
He laughs.
Niki: This one likes unity, even when it’s
not necessary.
Kwanele: I see…
Niki: What’s wrong with you? You don’t
look like yourself.
I sigh.
Me: Life has been nyising me.
Kwanele stands.
Kwanele: Excuse me… Need the
bathroom.
He walks away.
I look at Niki.
Me: Derek and Dean are twins.
Niki: Whoaa.
I give her a brief summary of what
happened, leaving out Derek’s private
experiences.
Niki: Yoh!
I shake my head.
Me: It’s been rough. I’m exhausted.
Niki: Is that why you came here?
I nod.
Niki: Manje why are they all here? I shrug.
Me: I’m really unhappy about this. They
seem to think it’s a joke.
Niki: That’s unfair though.
Me: They don’t care.
I take her glass and finish her drink.
Me: I’m too sober for this nonsense.
Niki: Let me mix you a proper drink.
I stay with Niki and Kwanele for a while.
As much as I’m trying to drink like I did
yesterday, I’m really struggling. My
system seems to have shut down.
Niki: Are you sure you’re okay?
I groan.
Niki: Drink some water.
Me: Let me go pee first.
As I go to the bathroom, I legit feel like I’m
about to pass out. I get to the bathroom
and it’s packed.
I turn and make my way back to the party
scene, which is suddenly making me even
more sick.
I bump into Derek, who looks angry.
He walks past me and walks out of the
place.
I follow him and find him standing by the
car outside.
Me: Derek, what happened?
Derek: I’m leaving.
I look at him in confusion, completely
ignoring how fucked up I feel.
Derek: You’ve made it clear that you want
your space.
Me: Excuse me?
Derek: It is clear that you don’t want me
here.
Me: I thought it wasn’t clear enough.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Me: I’m not going to allow you to make
me feel guilty for needing space.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I asked for a few weeks… A few
weeks, Derek. Is that too much to ask? Do
you not understand that as we speak, I’m
not functioning properly. I want to allow
myself to relax in the absence of
everything that has stressed me out over
the last few weeks… Do you not
understand this?
He tightens his jaw.
Me: You should have asked to come, not
pop out of nowhere and expect me to
welcome you. You’re interrupting my
healing process. You agreed to this, so
why are you suddenly angry? You have no
right to be angry, and I refuse to take the
bl-
I groan.
Derek: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m not feeling well.
As I step closer to him, I collapse in his
arms.
Derek: Ziyanda??
Me: Something’s happening...
He looks at me worriedly and takes out
his phone.
Derek: Dean, come out… Bring the car
keys… Dean, Ziyanda is not feeling well, I
want to take her to hospital…
He hangs up and tightens his hold on me.
Derek: Zi…
Me: I feel dizzy.
Minutes later, Dean walks out and jogs to
us.
Dean: What’s happening?
Derek: I’m taking her to the hospital.
Dean looks at me worriedly.
Derek: Stay with Lwazi and Nomi.
Dean: No, we’ll go together.
Derek: Dean, there’s no time for that.
Nomi is not even ready to leave.
I groan.
Derek opens the car and helps me get in.
Derek: Hurry up.
Dean goes back inside.
***
The drive to the hospital is a blur.
I don’t even remember how we got
there…
***
Nurse: It’s alcohol poisoning.
I groan painfully.
Dean: I thought she was pregnant.
Nurse: No, the test is negative. She’s on
contraceptives.
As sick as I am, I am relieved.
Pregnancy is the last thing I need right
now.
Nurse: She has to stay here. We have to
monitor her until she’s in a better state.
Derek sighs.
Nurse: She could be worse…
Nomi: It’s really alcohol poisoning?
Nurse: Yes. We have to put her on a drip
to top up her body’s water, blood sugar
and vitamin levels.
At this point, I zone them out and pass
out.
***
I wake up.
Derek stands and steps closer to the bed.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: When can I leave?
Derek: The nurse said you’ll wake up
feeling better. You were given oxygen and
some fluids for the dehydration.
Me: What’s the time?
Derek: 12pm.
He helps me sit up.
Derek: Thankfully, your case wasn’t
extreme. People die from this shit.
He says that coldly.
The nurse walks in and goes on to give me
a lecture about alcohol poisoning.
***
As we’re driving to the hotel, it doesn’t
take rocket science to figure out that
Derek is angry.
He hasn’t said one word to me.
We finally get to the hotel.
Before getting out of the car, he looks at
me with a tightened jaw.
Derek: You still want your space?
I look at him.
I’ve just recovered from a deadly disease,
and he’s out here being extra.
He gets out and I get out as well.
He locks the car and walks in, leaving me
behind.
Mxm.

INSERT 224
I go to my room, and take a long shower.
Every part of me wants to get in the
bathtub, but I know I won't be
comfortable.
Once I'm done showering, I lie on the bed
naked.
I'm still weak.
However, my system, in general, feels
much better.
I didn't know that people can die from
alcohol positioning. I always thought it
was a random curable thing that tarven
people get.
I browse through my phone and see
missed calls from Niki and Andile.
I dial Niki’s number first.
Niki: Why would you leave without telling
me??
Me: Hawu, I was in hospital.
Niki: What??
I tell her what happened.
Niki: Yoh, Ziyanda. How are you now?
Ukuphi?
Me: I'm fine. I'm in my hotel room.
I tell her about Derek's behaviour.
Niki: I get that he's still dealing with his
shit, but he needs to get it together. You
asked for space, it's not like you ended the
relationship.
Me: I'm learning new things about him.
Niki: The not so nice things.
I groan.
Niki: Do you still want to marry him?
Me: Right now, I'm very angry at him, so
marriage is the last thing on my mind.
Niki: Well, it's good that you didn't rush
things.
Me: Me wanting space doesn't mean that I
want to leave him.
Niki: I feel like you're not telling me the
whole truth. What really happened?
Me: I can't tell you everything. All you
need to know is that what he went
through was extreme.
Niki: How are you, really?
I sigh.
Me: That's why I needed this break, Niki. I
wanted to figure out exactly that…
She listens as I vent.
Me: These people don't know anything
about personal space. They want to be
together 24/7 and it's starting to drive me
crazy! I love them, but right now, I just
want to be left alone. I want to zone out a
bit and regain my strength.
Niki: He’s clearly not thinking about all of
that.
Me: It's so frustrating, because they keep
saying I'm being dramatic. That pisses me
off even more.
I continue venting for a while.
Me: What's worse is that he didn't just
come alone. I think I would have accepted
that… He brought Dean and Nolwazi.
Really? Dean is a lot. I can't handle him
when I'm this drained.
We continue chatting until I feel a bit
better.
Once I'm done talking to her, I call Andile.
Andile: Hi.
Yoh he also sounds cold.
Why are people mad at me?
I don't need this in my life.
Me: Hello. What's with the coldness?
Andile: You invite me somewhere and
then disappear without informing me. Is
that how you-
Me: Hai hai, I can't be dealing with more
male tears right now! Get the fuck over it!
I end the call and put my phone away.
People are so sensitive.
I lie facing up.
I get away from drama, and then it follows
me.
Is this my life?
Now, I'm starting to think Derek and his
people are not good for me.
Surely, this rollercoaster of emotions is
not normal. Do other people go through
such? Are their relationships like this?
Maybe it's time to reevaluate my
relationship with Derek.
Do I see myself going through this in 5
years?
How has this relationship affected my
mental state?
My thoughts are interrupted by a knock
on my door.
I ignore it.
If these people refuse to understand the
concept of space, I'll lock myself in here
until they leave.
***
I wake up feeling cold.
I switch on the air conditioner and get in
bed properly…
***
I am awakened by my phone ringing.
I check the number and answer.
Me: Nomi.
Nomi: Hey, love. Was just checking on
you.
Me: I'm fine.
Nomi: You sound horrible.
I don't say anything.
Nomi: I'm going out-
Me: Nomi, bye.
What the hell is wrong with her??
Nomi: Relax! I was just-
I hang up.
I want nothing to do with these people!
I check my messages and see one from
Andile, saying he doesn't understand why
I'm angry when he was the one who was
left confused and worried...
As pissed as I want to be, I know he
deserved an explanation, considering the
fact that I'm the one who invited him.
I call him.
Andile: Hello.
I explain what happened and apologise.
Andile: Alcohol poisoning?
I groan.
Andile: Are you fine now?
Me: Ya.
Andile: But, why didn't Derek answer my
calls?
Me: He was quite stressed.
As mad as I am at Derek, I know not to sell
his ass out.
Andile: I hope you feel better. Hit me up if
you need anything.
Me: I'm good. See you around.
Andile: Sure… I apologize for my coldness,
I was just confused and a tad offended.
Me: It wasn't your fault.
Andile: Shap ke.
Me: Bye.
I hang up.
I'm starving.
I check the time and it's around 7pm.
I get out of bed and try to decide what I'm
going to do. I eventually decide that I'll go
to a restaurant. I've also decided that I'm
going to stop drinking for a little while. I
never thought I'd be a victim of alcohol
poisoning. The nurse told me to take it
seriously.
Anyway, I get dressed.
I'm not even going to bother covering this
black eye. People will just have to suck it
up.
I finish up and head out.
When I get to the reception area, I'm
shocked to find Dean and Nolwazi there
with their suitcases.
Nolwazi is sleeping on the couch, clearly
dealing with last night's hangover.
Dean stands and walks to me.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I shake my head.
Me: I don't have it in me to go back and
forth with you.
He realizes that I'm serious.
Dean: What's going on?
Me: I need space, Dean. I want to be alone.
I feel myself getting emotional.
Me: I'm getting frustrated, because none
of you are really hearing me. None of you.
He stares at me intently as if he's having
an aha moment.
Me: I understand that you value quality
time, but I'm not able to be my true self
right now, because I'm drained. I'm
genuinely drained.
He tries to give me a hug, but I shake my
head.
I've never had to fight this much for my
personal space. If this is what marriage is
like, then I want no part of it. I shouldn't
have to go to such great lengths to
demand time off.
Me: I was with Derek 24/7 as he went
through different emotional phases for
weeks. I was there. I didn't walk away.
I've never done that for a person. I have
no energy left in me. For fuck sake, I have
a mental illness and I'm not able to fight it
if I'm this weak. I'm not functioning right
now. Is it too much to ask for some time
off?
Dean looks like I've just hit him with a
brick.
Me: I'm not doing this because I'm trying
to be mean. I genuinely want to work on
myself. Why can't you understand this?
Just because you thrive on constant
quality time, it doesn't mean the rest of
the world is like that. I can't even be a
mother right now. I can't take care of
Liyakha, because I'm tired. I wanted to
use this time to reboot. Why am I
suddenly the bad guy? I'm not out here
cheating on anyone. Believe it or not, I'm
loyal to Derek and I'd never fuck around,
Dean. I don't know why you keep filling
his head with bullshit. Do you really think
I'd mess around with Andile? Have I not
proven myself to you? I'm quite hurt that
you don't trust me… Maybe I need to
reevaluate our relationship as well...
He doesn't say anything.
I didn't even realise that Derek is here.
Me: Whether you like it or not, I live with
Depression. I am diagnosed with
Depression. Depression is a real thing. I'm
tired of having to explain myself and the
reasons behind my actions, and then deal
with your passive aggression or
persistent ignorance. Honestly, if you're
going to struggle to come to terms with it,
then I'm walking away… I don't want to
burden you with my drama.
I sigh.
Me: I'm going to say this one more time,
and this is going to be the last time I say it.
I look at them.
Me: I want space. If you have a problem
with that, then you obviously don't give a
shit about my wellbeing. If you have a
problem, then maybe it's time we all think
about this right here, because I'll never
jeopardize my mental health, just to
impress people. Maybe it's time we
checked if we're really as compatible as
we think we are…
They both look at me in disbelief.

INSERT 225
They're looking at me in shock.
Dean: Ziyanda.
I shake my head.
Me: I'm not doing this anymore.
They don't say anything.
Me: We keep going around in circles.
There's always something happening. I'm
tired.
They are silent.
Me: We had an agreement.
I look at Derek.
Me: You agreed to this. You said you
respect this. Why are you making it seem
like I'm a bad person?
He doesn't say anything.
Me: I don't want to continue doing this
with you.
Derek: What are you saying?
I shrug.
I also don't know what I'm saying, but I'm
glad I'm finally saying it.
Me: I think if we're being real, You and I
have had more hectic times than we've
had calm times. Is that really normal? I
don't think our relationship is healthy. I
think it's toxic for a number of reasons:
*Firstly, my mental illness is a lot. I have
some really low moments, and when I'm
in that pit, I feel like dying. I can't explain
what I go through. The only person who'll
understand me is someone who is going
through the exact thing. I'm struggling to
juggle my mental health, my relationship,
and motherhood. I'm struggling.
*Secondly, you have many unresolved
traumas. You are struggling to handle my
shit, because you are already bombarded
by your own shit. You have gone through
some traumatic things, and you haven't
dealt with them or healed. There's no way
we’re going to build a solid relationship
until you tackle every single thing that
haunts you. You don't realise that you
also need your personal space to deal
with your past. You can't revolve your
healing process around me. Not only is it
unfair to me, it's highly unhealthy. As seen
now, you end up expecting me to be
around 24/7 and you get disappointed
when I take a step back.
*Now, you tell me… Is this a healthy
relationship? We are toxic for each other
at the moment. We have a toxic
codependency. We're both broken
individuals. How can we build a healthy
relationship when we both have so much
baggage? I think it's time to be real with
ourselves.
Dean tries to say something, but stops.
He looks like someone who has been
beaten to a pulp.
Derek, on the other hand, is blank. I can't
read him.
Me: You know, I would have understood
your anger if I had walked away without
informing you, if I randomly decided that
I needed space and then did my own
thing… But you knew everything. You
approved. You told me you understood.
So, why am I the dramatic one now? The
insensitive one?
He doesn't speak.
Me: I'm going to be selfish right now. I'm
choosing to walk away from our
relationship. Maybe it will work out in the
future, but right now, I don't think I can
be what you need or want me to be. If
being married means I can't take time off
once in a while, then I don't want to get
married.
Derek: You ending this?
I nod. He stares at me for a long time.
He nods lightly and walks away…
Dean: Ziyanda, you don't mean that.
Me: I do. I've never claimed to be perfect. I
know I've messed up as well. I just don't
think this is healthy. I don't think I'm
meant to be in a long term relationship…
Derek needs to deal with his demons first,
and he shouldn't depend on me to heal…
It's too much pressure. As fucked up as it
is, I'm admitting that I can't handle the
pressure. Maybe I'm not emotionally
mature to handle such a relationship.
Dean: Ziyanda… Come on…
He looks at me pleadingly.
I shake my head.
Me: It's over, Dean.
Dean: Come on…
He continues staring at me.
I sigh.
I don't even want to go out anymore.
Me: Travel safely…
I walk back to my room.
***
I don't think everything has sunk in.
***
I've been in bed for hours now.
I get a call from Niki.
Niki: Hey, friend.
Me: Hey.
Niki: How did it go?
Me: I think I ended things.
Niki: Are you serious??
Me: Ya.
Niki: Aww, baby…
I start sobbing.
I cry for the longest time.
Niki: Do you want me to come over?
Me: No.
She listens to me cry for a long time…
Me: Bye.
Niki: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I put down my phone and bury myself in
bed.
***
The following day, I decide to go to the
beach.
I need some fresh air.
I know that if I allow myself to stay
indoors, I'll never recover. I need to fight
the heavy waves of sadness.
Once I'm done getting ready, I hear a
knock on the door.
When I open, I find Dean standing there.
He looks worn out.
Dean: Can I come in?
I move out of the way and he walks in. I
close the door and follow him.
He sits on the bed and sighs heavily.
Dean: We're leaving.
I nod.
Dean: Ziyanda, let's go home.
He looks like he's about to cry.
Dean: Don’t do this.
I don't say anything.
Dean: Let's go home.
He stares at me.
Dean: Manje what's the way forward? I
don't understand what the fuck is
supposed to happen right now.
He looks at me expectantly.
Dean: What's supposed to happen now,
Ziyanda?
He sighs and scratches his head.
Dean: Please use this time to really think
about this… You don't want this,
Ziyanda…
I don't say anything.
He stands and gives me a hug.
Dean: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I walk him out and close the door...

INSERT 226 (Unedited)

It’s been a week since the incident with
Derek. I’m now checking out of the hotel
and heading home.
As miserable as I am, being alone allowed
me to drown properly in my emotions. I
got the chance to feel every single
emotion that rushed through me. It was
difficult, but I had to do it, because I told
myself that as soon as I leave Cape Town,
I’m not going to carry over the craziness.
***
When I get to the house, I find my parents
outside, chatting away happily.
My mom squeals when she sees me.
Mom: Haibo! I thought Cape Town had
swallowed you!
I sigh.
Me: I ended the relationship with Derek.
They look at me knowingly.
Why am I not surprised? I’m sure Dean
has briefed them.
Dad: Derek told us.
Me: He did?
Mom: Ya, when he came to fetch
Nkanyezi.
Me: Hmkay.
I make my way inside the house. I should
have known that he would fetch Liyakha. I
didn’t really think about how we’ll
manage that…
My parents walk in after me.
Dad: Ziyanda, come sit.
I go to the lounge and sit.
Dad: What happened?
I tell him everything.
I also tell him about my frustrations. They
both sigh once I’m done.
Dad: That’s a lot…
My mom keeps quiet and looks at me
intently.
Dad: I can tell that you have made up your
mind. I thought you’d come back with a
different mindset.
I shake my head.
Me: I genuinely think it’s best for us to
deal with ourselves separately. I can’t be
what Derek wants me to be.
Dad: What exactly does he want you to
be?
Me: His everything.
They both keep quiet.
Me: It’s too much pressure.
My dad nods slowly.
Dad: We support your decision.
Mom: Yes, we do. You seem to have made
up your mind.
Me: Can I go now?
They nod and I walk to my bedroom to
unpack.
***
I read my “Worm Journal.”
When I broke up with Siya, I decided to
keep a journal that focuses on that phase.
I wrote on it religiously… That was the
first time I felt like a boy ended my life. I
didn’t think life after him was possible.
However, I vowed that I’d never allow
myself to go through that again. I should
never depend on another person to a
point where I feel like I’ll never survive
without them. I told myself I’d never give
someone that much power. I had to
relearn being by myself. I had to
understand the importance of being alone
and the power that comes with it.
I don’t want to be sad forever. I made this
choice, so it’s my responsibility to suck it
up and live with it. I can’t expect the
world to stop just so I can marinate in
these heavy feelings.
I have to find a way to live with my
decision.
I used the past week to be sad and
miserable.
Now, I have to fight the sadness and keep
it moving.
I broke up with Derek. I chose this. No one
forced me to do it...
I feel a huge lump in my throat as I recall
his expression as I was confirming the
breakup…
I don’t know how I’m going to move past
this, but it must happen now.
***
I miss my daughter.
I miss her terribly, and now I can’t sit at
home and pretend like I’m okay with not
being around her.
I’ve been at home for three days now.
My parents were shook when I told them
about the black eye incident.
Anyway, I’m done getting dressed.
As I’m eating, my mom walks in.
Mom: Baby, would you like me to come
with you?
I shake my head.
Me: I’ll be fine.
She looks at me sadly.
Mom: I feel like I’m the one who’s going
through the breakup…
I chuckle.
Me: You’ll get used to it.
Mom: Have you thought about how you’re
going to manage Little Star? I shake my
head.
Me: I haven’t thought about that… I’ve
started looking for jobs. My housewife
lifestyle has come to an end.
Mom: Try to talk to him and find out how
he thinks you should co-parent.
I nod.
Mom: You’re not going to work at the
school anymore?
Me: Hawu mama. How am I going to work
at his school?
She shrugs.
Mom: I don’t see how you two are going
to live separate lives. It just doesn’t make
sense.
Me: Well, it must make sense soon,
because I’m sticking to my decision.
She looks at me thoughtfully.
Mom: Don’t be stubborn… Not with this…
I shake my head.
Me: I have to go.
Mom: Just don’t be too cold when you get
there… I know you.
I go to the kitchen and leave her there.
***
I thought I would be nervous when I got
here, but I’m surprisingly numb.
I open the door and walk in.
The house is spotless as usual.
When I get to the lounge, I find him sitting
there with Liyakha on his lap. He’s
watching soccer.
I walk to the couch and he looks at me.
Me: Hi.
Derek: Hi. I take Liya and she cries when
she’s in my arms.
Me: Hey, baby.
I’d like to think she’s happy to see me,
because she’s resting her head on my
chest now and squeezing my finger.
I give her lots of kisses until she cheers
up.
She stares at me in amazement. Maybe
the black her freaked her out. The
swelling has gone down. What’s left is the
persistent blackness around the eye.
Liya: Mama…
She continues mumbling and I shower her
with my kisses.
My whole body relaxes as her scent fills
me. The numbness goes away and I’m left
with outpouring love for her.
I seem to have lost track of time, because
once I snap out of it, Derek is no longer in
the lounge.
Me: Where’s your dad?
She stares at me innocently.
I go to his office and find him there.
He’s on his laptop.
Me: Can I have a word with you?
He glances at me before closing the
laptop.
I sit opposite him and place Liya on my
lap.
Me: I’d like to discuss how we’re going to
do this.
Derek: What?
I look at Liya and then look at him.
Me: I’ve decided that I’m going to start a
tutoring thing… That will be my job for
now…
He looks at me.
Me: I’m not ready to go to work full time.
I’ll tutor kids around the neighbourhood
and charge them a fee. A lot of parents
have asked me to do it. Once I’m fine, I’ll
go back to teaching full-time.
Derek: You’ll do this at your house?
Me: Yes.
He nods lightly.
Me: How would you like to do this?
I look at Liya again.
Derek: I’m going back to work full-time…
I’ll have to take on the principal role
permanently.
I nod.
Me: So, she’ll stay at my house?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Derek?
He clears his throat and nods.
Me: You can take her anytime you want.
He nods.
We sit in silence for a while.
Derek: Is that it?
Me: Uhm, yes…
He opens his laptop.
Me: I’ll fetch my things sometime this
week.
Derek: Noted.
I stand.
Me: Can I take her? I’ve missed her. He
looks at Liya, who’s busy mumbling and
minding her own business.
Derek: Sure.
He stands and walks around the desk.
When he gets to me, I hand over Liya.
She giggles as Derek showers her with
kisses.
Me: I’ll pack some of my stuff.
I go to the bedroom and take out a
suitcase.
I pack some of my things and look around
to see if I haven’t left something I need.
After a while, I finish up.
As I make my way downstairs, I hear
Dean’s voice. He’s on the phone.
Dean: Zi?
He looks like he has seen a ghost.
He ends the call.
Me: Hey.
We share a hug.
Dean: Uhm, are you back?
I shake my head and he looks at me
disappointedly.
Dean: How are you?
Me: Fine.
He sighs.
Dean: He seems to have zoned out. I’ve
never seen him like this.
I don’t say anything.
Dean: I know he’s pissed at me. I
obviously played a role in this mess.
Me: Dean-
Dean: I get it, you don’t want to talk.
Derek walks downstairs with Liya.
Dean: Are you going home?
Me: Yes.
Dean: I’ll drop you off… I need to see your
dad…
He looks at me hesitantly.
I’ve never seen Dean look this confused
and tired.
Dean: Unless I’m not allowed to see him…
He keeps quiet.
Me: My Uber is outside already.
Dean: Oh… okay…
Derek gives me Liya and then Dean takes
my suitcase and walks out.
Me: Bye, Derek.
Derek: Bye.
I walk out and make my way to the car.
INSERT 227
It’s been two days.
I’ve been in the house with Liya.
Mom: Baby, Dean called. He says he’s
coming.
I look at her blankly.
She sits on the bed and stares at me.
Mom: I’d like to discuss this with you.
I don’t say anything.
Mom: It’s no secret that we’ve formed
deep relationships with Dean and Derek.
She sighs.
Mom: I want to know what you want your
father and I to do.
Me: What do you mean?
Mom: I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m
betraying you by being in contact with
people you are trying to distance yourself
from. You are my child. I support you, and
my loyalty is to you.
Me: I know you’re loyal to me.
Mom: Do you want me to cut ties with
them?
I shrug.
Me: It’s your choice. As long as my
decision is respected…
Mom: Umdala, sthandwa sami. This is
your journey.
I nod lightly and focus on Liya.
After a few minutes, we hear my dad and
Dean’s laughter. My mom stands and
walks out of my room.
After a while, there’s a knock on my door.
Dean walks in and sits on the bed.
Dean: Dlamz.
Me: Hey.
He smiles at me.
Dean: I miss you so much. I’m not used to
this shit.
I sigh.
Me: I miss you too.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I’m okay.
Dean: How are you?
He stares at me seriously.
Me: I’ll be fine.
He sighs.
Dean: I won’t be able to change your
mind?
I look at him.
Me: Dean, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop
pestering me.
He keeps quiet.
Me: I’m coming to terms with my
decision. I don’t need what you keep
bringing to me.
He groans.
Dean: Nolwazi has finalised the wedding.
Apparently it’s in two weeks.
I nod lightly.
Dean: I don’t want to get married right
now.
Me: Why not?
Dean: The timing is off. I don’t think now
is the perfect time to flaunt our union.
He sighs.
Dean: I’m just going to be honest with
you…
He looks down.
Dean: She doesn’t think it’s a good idea
for you to come.
Me: Is it?
He nods and finally looks at me.
Dean: She think there might be some
drama.
Me: Because I’m the root of all drama…
Dean: That’s not true.
Me: Well, you can tell Lwazi that I won’t
be at her wedding.
Dean: Bullshit.
He shakes his head before I can speak.
Dean: You’re my sister. Why the fuck
would she even say such?
I stay silent.
Dean: We’ve been fighting about this for a
week… I can’t believe it.
Me: What can't you believe? That she
doesn’t want me at her wedding?
Dean: She knows how much I care about
you.
Me: I’m going to cause drama… She’s the
smart bitch after all.
He looks at me in defeat and I chuckle.
Me: You must tell her to stop being such a
wimp. She bumped into me a few days
ago and pretended to be excited to see
me… Why didn’t she tell me all this shit?
Dean: Zi-
I shake my head.
Me: I thought she was better than that.
What a coward.
Dean: Ziyanda, come on.
Me: I won’t come to your wedding, Dean. I
wasn’t planning on coming anyway.
He looks at me sharply.
Dean: Don’t fuck with me.
Me: Don’t you know me? If I come to your
wedding, I’m going to do a few things:
dress in white so I’ll steal Nolwazi’s
spotlight, demand to sit next to Derek and
then bring my new boyfriend, thereafter,
when you’re saying your vows, I’ll stand
and start shouting that I hate Derek with
all my heart…
He looks at me in shock and seconds later,
he laughs.
Dean: That would be amazing to watch.
I chuckle.
Me: I cause drama everywhere I go.
Dean: We both know that’s not true.
Me: Then, what the hell is up with
Nolwazi?
He sighs.
Dean: I think she’s going through her own
things.
Me: Then, she mustn’t come for me. I’ll
read her to filth.
Dean: I’m assuming that means dragging
someone?
Me: Both verbally and physically.
Angangiphapheli. She doesn't want to be
on the receiving end of my wrath right
now. I'm not sane.
Dean: She’s just stressed.
Me: It’s cute how you people make
excuses for each other’s bullshit, but as
soon as I come in the picture, what comes
out of my mouth is magically inexcusable.
You’re a funny bunch.
Dean: I don’t want to lose you. I feel like
you’re distancing yourself from me.
Me: I am. I am definitely distancing myself
from you. We’re not going to sit here and
pretend you weren’t part of the crap.
Dean: My intentions weren’t bad.
Me: I’m just trying to gather myself…
Maybe I would have been fine had I
gotten the initial space I asked for… Who
knows…
He sighs heavily.
Me: I have nothing against you…
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I hope your wedding day is a success.
I’m sure your fiance is going to put my
overly dramatic ideas to good use. Ngoba
that's what you're all quite good at.
Constantly asking people for help and
then turn around and call them dramatic
and childish when they're not having a
good day...
Dean: Come on…
He looks hurt.
Me: Mxm.
Dean: You’re coming to my wedding.
Me: Dean, go catch up with my dad, I’m
busy.
He looks at me sadly.
Dean: I hope you know that I’m not going
to sit back and watch this shit. I know for
a fact that you wouldn’t allow me to
randomly walk away from Nolwazi…
You’d try to make me see the positive… I
know you wouldn’t watch me drown in
negative emotions. I always appreciate
your help. You have your moments, but I
don't think you're a selfish person. In fact,
you may just be the most selfless person
in the group.
He continues staring at me.
Dean: What Would Ziyanda Do? WWZD is
the motto these days. I'll use that shit to
sort this mess out. You have your own
way of solving shit and I'm going to
channel that...
I try to keep a straight face, but end up
laughing.
Dean: You think I’m joking?
Me: Dude, go away.
Dean: No, I miss you.
Me: You know, I genuinely don't give a
fuck at this point.
Dean: Stop lying to yourself. You know
very well that Derek is your soulmate.
I look at him blankly.
Dean: I know we didn't give you space,
and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I was
struggling to be there for him by myself.
Me: That's the problem. You depend on
me too much. I was tired and I needed a
break. You both didn't take that seriously,
and that clearly means you don't care
about my wellbeing. There's no need to
over analyse the situation. You invaded
my space.
Dean sighs.
Dean: Are you happier now that we've
backed off?
Me: Have you really? You're here every
other day.
He groans.
Dean: Ziyanda, you were out drinking.
You were-
Me: See now you're pissing me off. I can
do what the fuck I want with my time
When you all have boys night and get
drunk, who complains? Ungalinge, Dean.
Don't test me.
Dean: Yoh, okay.
Me: That's the problem… You all do these
things, but when I do them, it's a problem.
Why am I held to different standards?
How dare you mention that was out
drinking? You wanted me sit around and
meditate every day?
He keeps quiet.
Me: I'll say this again… If getting married
means I'll be called dramatic for needing
personal space, then andizi. I don't give a
shit.
Dean: Are you okay with Derek being with
someone else?
Me: I broke up with him. That means he
can do whatever he wants with his life.
Dean: You're stubborn. Both of you are
fucken stubborn.
I focus on Liya.
Dean; You're going to ignore me?
I don't say anything.
He sighs and stands.
Dean: See you around… I love you.
He walks out.
***
It's Friday afternoon.
I'm expecting Derek to come fetch Liya for
the weekend, because I had her for the
whole week.
My mom and I are busy cleaning the
kitchen when we hear a knock on the
door.
Mom: Come in!
The door opens and a woman walks in
first. She looks like she's in her 40s.
Mom: Hai sisi we don't want to be Wash
Towers. You can go and advertise your
church somewhere else.
The woman looks at my mom in
confusion.
Thereafter, a man walks in.
My insides turn.
The man looks around the kitchen and
laughs.
Man: Wow, I haven't been in Soweto in
years…
Mom: Who the hell are you??
My mom already has a knife on her hand.
The man looks at me and smirks.
Man: Ziyanda, you have to lead me to one
of my sons…
I stare at him in disbelief.
It's like I'm looking at an older version of
both Dean and Derek…

INSERT 228 (Unedited)

Mom: What?!
Why is my dad not here? We need him.
My mom and I are both unstable right
now, and I fear for this man and woman.
Man: Aren’t you going to offer me
something to drink?
My mom looks like she is ready to pounce
on these people.
I clear my throat.
Me: Are you Zweli?
Zweli stares at me.
Zweli: I don’t need introductions. I need
to see my sons.
Mom: Uyanya wena! Futsek! Phuma!
I quickly stand in front of my mom and
block her from attacking anyone.
Zweli: You are a feisty woman, aren’t you?
Me: Can you stop antagonizing us?
He smirks.
Woman: I am Vicky. This is my husband,
Zweli. We apologise for coming unexpe-
Mom: Heyii! Get out!
Me: Mama, calm down.
Mom: Why the hell should I be calm? How
dare you come here and make demands?
My dad naye doesn’t have timing. He
shouldn’t have went to his places now.
Also, Derek will be here soon. What will
happen then? Zweli: Can we sit and have a
chat?
Me: No, you’re not welcome here.
He looks at me in shock.
Me: If you were able to find me, I’m sure
you can find your sons.
Zweli: I have tried… Their mother always
finds a way to stop me. So, I thought I’d
try a different angle.
Me: Are you even hearing yourself?
He chuckles.
He reeks of arrogance.
Me: If you want your sons, find them.
I look at Vicky.
Me: Take your husband and leave us
alone.
Vicky: I apolo-
Mom: Heyi wena Wash Tower ndini,
phuma!
I don’t even have the energy to laugh at
my mom’s commentary.
Vicky: Okay-
Zweli: Don’t you want him to reunite with
his father?
Me: Who’s the father here? A rapist? A
coward that targeted a weak girl and
consciously chose to force himself on her
and then run? Surely that’s not what a
decent father does.
The smile immediately disappears from
his face.
Me: For your own sake, please leave. The
last thing you want is to be caught up
between my mother and I.
He looks at Vicky, whose eyes are wide
from shock.
Me: You didn’t know that you married a
rapist?
Zweli: Vicky, get out.
Vicky: How? Wha-
Mom: Heyi, aniphumeni. My house is not
the Bold and the Beautiful. Go have your
moment outside.
With that said, Vicky storms out.
Zweli stares at me.
Before he can say anything, my mom is
already pushing him out.
She shuts the door and locks it.
Mom: The nerve!
We stare at each other.
Mom: How is one supposed to handle
such?? Drama literally comes knocking on
your door!
Me: At least Derek was not around.
Mom: Thank God.
We walk to the lounge.
Mom: That arrogant rapist!
She takes her phone and dials a number.
Mom: I’m calling Zimkitha…
I look at her.
Mom: Zimi… Hello, sisi, unjani?... I’m not
good… Yazi I was busy cleaning noZizi,
then out of nowhere, there’s a knock on
the door… In comes a strange woman…
Seconds later a man walks in, smiling and
saying he wants Zizi to lead him to his
sons…
She listens.
Mom: Hai, sisi… We kicked him out… He is
so arrogant… No, Derek wasn’t here…
Ya…
She listens.
I walk to my room and find Liya awake.
Me: Wena ngathi you’re the only one
who’s having fun right now. Izinto zi-
hectic and you’re out here giggling and
pouting.
I pick her up and kiss her.
I sit on the bed and play with her.
When I’m with her, I genuinely lose track
of time. I hear a knock on the door.
Me: Ngena mama.
The door opens and the room is
immediately filled with Derek’s cologne.
I look up, and sure enough, it’s him.
I haven’t seen him in formal clothes in a
while.
Me: You look good.
He clears his throat.
Derek: Thank you.
Me: Did my mother tell you?
Derek: What?
Me: Your biological father was here not so
long ago.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: We kicked him out.
He still doesn’t say anything.
Liya looks over at Derek and starts
mumbling happily.
Liya: Dadada!
We listen as she screams.
She then wiggles.
Derek walks to the bed and takes her. She
looks at him and smiles.
Derek: Hi, baby.
He gives her kisses and she squeals
happily.
I decide to give them time to catch up and
walk out of the room. My heart is a bit
heavy at the moment. I’m trying to
process the fact that Derek and Dean’s
father was here and he showed no signs
of remorsel. The way he walked in here
shows how fucked up he is… After a
while, Derek comes to the lounge with
Liya still in his arms.
Mom: Are you leaving now?
Derek: Yes.
Mom: I dished up for you… The container
is in the fridge.
Derek: Thank you.
We look at him.
Derek: Bye.
Mom: Bye.
The second he steps out of the lounge,
Liyakha bursts into the loudest tears.
Mom: And then?
She screeches.
We stand and go to the kitchen.
I take her from him and she quietens
down.
Me: Yini manje?
She sobs more quietly.
Derek: I need the bathroom… I’ll be
back…
As soon as Derek steps out of the kitchen,
Liya starts crying loudly all over again.
Haike.
Derek comes back.
Me: Yini kanti?
I try to comfort her, but she continues
crying.
Derek takes her and she quietens.
This child.
Mom: Heeh! What a manipulative child!
My mom laughs.
She nuzzles her head on Derek’s chest and
then looks at me innocently.
She mumbles.
Mom: This child!
Me: So, what is supposed to happen now?
Mom: Clearly Nkanyezi should stay until
she falls asleep. She doesn’t want to be
separated from both of you.
We walk back to the lounge…
I think Liya eventually fell asleep 4 hours
later.
Derek left very late.
***
I randomly got a call from Nomvuyo
asking to meet with me.
I haven’t spoken to her in weeks.
I always think about her, but things
changed after the Zimkitha thing…
I don’t really know where we stand.
Anyway, I told her to come to my house,
because I am in no position to go out to
expensive restaurants. I’m back to saving
religiously.
I’m standing outside with my father,
when we see her car approaching.
Dad: Nomvuyo is still alive kanti?
He chuckles.
Dad: Things have been all over the place
recently… We even forget that some
people exist...
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo parks the car and steps out. My
dad whistles and Nomvuyo smiles.
Nomvuyo: Sanibonani.
Dad: Hai sisi ngiyakuvuma.
Nomvuyo: Don’t make me blush!
She looks at me softly and smiles.
Nomvuyo: Hey, love.
Me: Hey.
As soon as we hug, I start crying.
I have no idea where that came from.
Well, I do know… I missed her… I still
miss her…
Nomvuyo: Aww, baby…
I continue sobbing.
Dad: My child has had a rough time.
Nomvuyo wipes my tears.
Nomvuyo: Should we take a drive?
I nod.
Dad: Go and get some fresh air.
Nomvuyo: I’ll bring her back later.
Dad: Okay, sisi.
We get in the car and she drives off.
***
We get to an estate.
Me: And then?
Nomvuyo: This is where I live.
I look at her in shock.
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: We have a lot of catching up…
We get in and she pours me some juice.
Nomvuyo: Should I go first?
Me: No, I’ll go first.
She nods.
I go on to tell her everything.
Once I’m done, she groans.
Nomvuyo: I’m suddenly constipated.
Me: Tell me about it…
Nomvuyo: Before I get to my shit, I just
want to apologise for not focusing on our
friendship.
I look at her.
Nomvuyo: I underestimated the craziness.
Me: Me too.
Nomvuyo: You know I love you. You’re
probably the only true friend I have at the
moment.
Me: Ivy?
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: We’re okay, but she’s busy
with her own things. She’s not even in the
country.
Me: Good riddance.
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: I value your support. I may not
tell you all the time, but I really do
appreciate you. Me: I know.
Nomvuyo: I’m sorry for disappearing.
Me: I’m sorry for cancelling you.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: You have some great cancelling
skills.
Me: I try.
We chuckle.
Me: So, what’s happening with you?
Nomvuyo: Well, Liwa and I are not really
together.
Me: Really? I thought you got back with
him.
She shakes her head.
Nomvuyo: He has a lot going on right
now. I want him to face his demons head
on.
I look at her in disbelief.
Nomvuyo: He always off-loaded on me,
Zimkitha as well. It was getting too much.
I couldn’t handle both of them at the same
time. I really felt like I was drowning, yet
they expected me to be their life guard. It
was too much.
Me: He agreed to separate?
Nomvuyo: Of course not. However, our
therapist was honest with him. He said
Liwa cannot build healthy relationships
until he deals with his problems. Liwa
copes through shutting things out and
never addressing them. He is constantly
happy and never shows other emotions,
because happiness is the easiest way he
can hide his real feelings.
Me: Yoh.
Nomvuyo: The therapist really went in on
all of us. He mentioned that out of all the
boys, Liwa was the one who carried a lot
of baggage, because Zimkitha piled on his
plate, using him as a substitute husband.
He became Zimkitha’s loyal soldier,
because she manipulated him.
Me: So, he blamed Zimkitha?
Nomvuyo: He went in on all of us, before
he sympathised with us. It was quite
intense.
Me: Manje how is Liwa and Zimkitha? Are
they okay?
Nomvuyo: Those two love each other.
This won’t ruin their relationship.
Me: So, you really separated?
Nomvuyo: He needs to tackle every single
problem of his. It’s going to be a long
process, but the therapist says he is the
one who is in charge of his life, now that
the truth is out, and he cannot rely on
anyone else but himself to build a better
life.
Me: He encouraged the separation?
She nods.
Nomvuyo: He said we shouldn’t see it as a
negative thing. We should work on
ourselves individually before we can
attempt to fix our relationship. Also, we’re
still in contact. Liwa is the love of my life.
There is no way I’m going to be with
another man. The thought of that even
makes me sick.
Me: That’s good. Good for you.
Nomvuyo: I think you and Derek are
going through the same thing.
Me: You and Liwa are on the same page
about space.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: Why did you stop talking to
Melinda? Her team is excellent!
Me: I’m tired.
Nomvuyo: No, baby. You can’t get tired
and just zone out forever. Human beings
are a lot to deal with, especially if you love
and fuck them.
She smiles.
Nomvuyo: Take it from me, who is going
through something similar…
I look at her.
Nomvuyo: You and Derek are perfect for
each other. You’re good for each other.
Don’t get consumed by the bullshit. I
personally think you’ve grown as
individuals and a couple.
She looks at me softly.
Nomvuyo: I’ve been with Liwa for years…
I’ve known him all my life… Even when
we go through our lows, I know that we’ll
end up together, because we just love
each other. I’m not distancing myself
simply because I don’t want to deal with
his crap, I just want to push him to work
harder on bettering himself. I want him to
be a better version of himself. I don’t want
him to rely too much on me. I think the
results will be more glorious if he does it
himself, you know?
Me: Derek doesn’t understand that.
She sighs.
Nomvuyo: That’s why crazy people like us
need mediators. We are highly broken
and emotional. We can’t deal with our shit
by ourselves.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: I’ve learnt a lot over the past
few weeks.
She stares at me.
Nomvuyo: Space is not abandonment.
She smiles knowingly.
The smile that Melinda has whenever she
knows that she’s dragging me.
Nomvuyo: Liwa and I are giving each
other space, but that doesn’t mean we are
not together.
I keep quiet.
Nomvuyo: There’s a clash of
communication between you and Derek.
A love language clash… Derek’s love
language is Quality Time, right?
I nod.
Nomvuyo: And your love language is Acts
of Kindness?
I nod.
Nomvuyo: This is what we fail to
understand about love languages- how
people give it is not how others would
like to receive it. Derek is acting this way,
because he values quality time. He doesn’t
understand that your love language is not
quality time. He is giving you what he
loves receiving.
She continues looking at me softly.
Nomvuyo: There’s a disconnect. The
whole point of languages is to
communicate. I can’t address someone in
English if they don’t understand English.
It’s my responsibility to learn a few words
and sentences in that person’s language,
so they can receive the message I’m trying
to convey. However, it has to be a fair
interaction. That person also has the
responsibility to learn my language, so I
can receive their message…
She keeps quiet.
I stand and go to the balcony.
She follows me.
Nomvuyo: There is so much power in
personal space… It’s great, because Liwa
and I are on the same page. We both
understand why the space is necessary.
Thankfully, we understand each other.
Just like Derek, Liwa values quality time,
but that’s not my love language. Because
of this, we meet up on Sundays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays… I give him my
undivided attention for these three days,
and then I come here and do my own
thing on Saturdays, Mondays, Tuesdays
and Thursdays. At first I saw him once a
week, but now I’m comfortable with
adding more days. He knows that my love
language is Physical Touch, so he fucks
me senselessly and holds me as much as
he can when we’re together.
I am gobsmacked.
Nomvuyo: I know what you’re going
through. You’re confused, you’re hurt,
you’re frustrated, but you are also
stubborn. You’re struggling to admit to
yourself that there’s still a part of you that
wants to make it work with Derek…
She smiles.
Nomvuyo: Don’t be too hard on yourself…
It’s okay to admit that you still want him.
It’s also okay to admit that you need time
away from him. Just remember that space
is not synonymous with abandonment.
Derek is just finding it difficult to hear
you, because he’s not really okay right
now. He’s going through a lot… That’s
why you need a mediator.
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: I think I’d make an excellent
relationship therapist, don’t you?
Me: Euuw, no. You’d end up putting your
hands on them!
She laughs and pulls closer to her. She
gives me a hug.
Nomvuyo: I’m here now. I’m not going to
let you make stupid decisions.
I groan.

INSERT 229
Nomvuyo looks at me.
Nomvuyo: What do you think?
Me: I hear you.
She smiles.
Me: I’ve already said these things…
Nomvuyo: It’s not about what you say, it’s
about how you say it. You know that.
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: Take your break, baby.
Me: Derek and I are over. Maybe you
should go tell him this so he can
implement this shit on his next girlfriend.
Nomvuyo: Mxm, you know very well that
you’d be paralysed if Derek moved on.
She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: Well, it’s not like he’ll ever
move on… The man is obsessed.
Me: You’ll never know. Angeke um-
confirme umuntu.
Nomvuyo: Listen, if Liwa were to be with
someone else, you’d find both of them
hanging somewhere.
Me: Yhu, such violence.
Nomvuyo: Says the girl who gets into
fights in clubs.
Me: Nope, I’m not about to let a random
man come for me.
We walk back inside and go to the
kitchen.
Nomvuyo: Hungry?
Me: Ya. She opens the fridge.
Me: You won’t believe what Dean told me.
Nomvuyo: Utheni loyo?
I chuckle.
Me: Apparently, Nolwazi doesn’t want me
at her wedding.
She looks at me in shock and then laughs.
Nomvuyo: Wait, what?
She continues laughing.
Me: Don’t laugh wena. She says I’ll cause
drama.
Nomvuyo: Yoh, Zizi. You are a drama
magnet.
Me: Heyi wena. Phela my plan was to get
there and do the absolute most. I was
going to arrive with my new man, and tell
everyone that he's Liya’s stepfather.
Nomvuyo: I'm picturing you running to
the altar, declaring your hatred for
everyone… After, you faint and an
ambulance arrives and takes you to
hospital. And because Dean is also
obsessed with you, he cancels the
wedding and goes with you to hospital
and leaves Nolwazi crying her lungs out…
We laugh.
Nomvuyo: Were you even planning on
going to the wedding?
I shake my head.
Me: I was actually trying to figure out how
I was going to tell Dean, because you
know how dramatic he can be.
Nomvuyo: Kodwa uDean uyaphapha. Why
would he expose Nolwazi like that? Pillow
Talk stays in the bedroom. I'd be so
furious at Liwa if he did that shit.
Me: Dean is like an untrained dog.
Nomvuyo: Manje now that you know
Nolwazi's deep secret, what are you going
to do?
Me: I'm not going hawu. I don't want to
make her uncomfortable on her wedding
day. She chuckles.
Nomvuyo: I'm not going to badmouth
her… I'm trying my best to keep my
mouth shut.
I raise an eyebrow and she laughs.
Nomvuyo: Uh-uh.
Me: Are you going to the wedding?
Nomvuyo: Hai I'm dealing with a lot of
shit right now. Also, I know I'm not on top
of her list.
I chuckle.
Nomvuyo: She hates me.
Me: You guys made up… You're besties
now.
She pouts and looks at me disinterestedly.
Nomvuyo: Don’t tempt me.
I laugh.
Nomvuyo: It's not like I'm sitting here,
waiting impatiently for their invitation.
I've got a lot on my plate…
She looks at me and smiles innocently.
Nomvuyo: If you're not going, I'm not…
Me: Hai, Vuvu.
Nomvuyo: Phela I'm loyal to you. You're
my bitch.
I raise an eyebrow and she laughs.
Nomvuyo: Yoh, I'm joking. Listen, I'm
going. I'll be her maid of honour... Lwazi
and I are close. Wena nje you're a
problem in our lives.
She smiles mischievously.
Nomvuyo: Don't worry though, I'll send
you pictures and videos.
She laughs and I end up joining her.
Me: We’re too childish for these people.
Nomvuyo: Thankfully mina I've
established my position as the bitchy one.
They're not going to go hard on me if I
decide not to pitch. I'll be called petty,
which I'm okay with… Now, you on the
other hand? Unyile.
I groan.
She dishes up for me and we go back to
the balcony.
Nomvuyo: On a serious note, are you
comfortable with your decision?
I shrug.
Nomvuyo: Take your break… However, I
think you should talk to him.
Me: About what?
Nomvuyo: Heffer, did you not hear me?
Did you not take in my wisdom?
Me: I did… Give me time to process it.
Nomvuyo: Maybe I should go to Derek as
well…
Me: To do what?
Nomvuyo: Talk to him…
I hiss.
Nomvuyo: I'm not trying to get you back
together. I just want both of you to
understand the concept of space.
I roll my eyes.
Nomvuyo: Derek needs to understand
that just because you need space, it
doesn't mean there's something wrong
with him. He mustn't suffocate you. Yes,
he loves spending time with you, but he
must give you breaks from time to time,
because you value your time alone.
I don't say anything.
Nomvuyo: You, on the other hand, need to
understand that being in a long term
relationship requires immense patience.
Me: Vuvu, can we talk about something
else? She looks at me softly and nods.
Nomvuyo: Okay, baby.
Me: I'm not in the mood.
Nomvuyo: Okay.
Me: Thanks.
Nomvuyo: Wanna trash-talk Nolwazi?
I end up laughing…
*** Niki is hosting a housewarming
shindig, and she has asked me to come,
obviously.
I'm proud of her.
She has done what I always tell myself I'll
do, but end up delaying… I'm still
attached to my parents, I don't think I'll
ever leave them.
As I'm packing my bags, my mom walks
in.
Mom: I'm so glad you're going out!
Me: Wow, do I annoy you that much?
She giggles.
Mom: Your dad and I would like some
alone time. We're not used to you being
here.
Me: Maybe I'll also get my own place.
Mom: Who will cook for you?
I sigh.
Me: I'll get a helper.
She laughs.
Mom: Haike, we’ll see.
She walks out. I finish up packing and
browse through my phone for a long time.
When I go to the lounge, I find Derek
there.
Okay.
Me: Hi.
Why is he here? Liyakha is with him mos.
Derek: She is with Dean...
I nod.
Mom: Are you leaving?
Me: Not yet.
I put down my bag and go to the kitchen. I
get myself something to eat quickly.
I come back to the lounge and sit.
We sit in silence for a long time.
Mom: Eish, I forgot my laundry...
She stands and walks out of the house. I
focus on the TV and finish up my food.
I don't really know what's going on right
now.
I stand and go to the kitchen.
My mom comes in and looks at me. I stare
at her expectantly.
Mom: *whispering* I don't think he's
fine…
I don't say anything.
Mom: *whispering* You can't leave me
alone with him…
Me: Why not? He's your son, isn't he?
She sighs.
We walk back to the lounge.
Me: I'm leaving.
Mom: Alright, baby. I'll see you tomorrow.
Tell Niki ukuthi I'll come soon. She must
bake for me.
Me: Will do.
I get my phone and request an Uber.
Derek: I'll give you a lift.
I look at him.
He stares at me blankly.
Me: It's okay. I'll requ-
Mom: Thank you, Star. I was actually
uncomfortable with her using these Ubers
so late.
Me: It's 4pm.
She looks at me and smiles.
Mom: Exactly.
She looks at Derek.
Mom: Take her, please, baby. She's going
very far!
She takes my bag.
Mom: I'll walk you out…
Me: Are you trying to get rid of me?
She walks out while I'm still speaking.
Derek stands and walks out as well.
I lock up and make my way out to Derek’s
car.
My mom puts my bag in the boot and then
smiles.
Mom: Nihambe kahle. Zi, call me when
you arrive.
I feel like everything is moving too fast for
my liking. She avoids my eyes and then
steps closer to Derek.
Mom: I love you, baby. Thank you.
Derek: I love you too.
They share a hug.
Mom: See you around.
Derek nods and then gets in the car.
Mom: Ngena wena.
She pushed me lightly.
I get in the car and she waves.
Derek starts the car.
Derek: Where am I taking you?
Me: Midrand.
He tries to hide his disbelief.
Me: Niki’s housewarming.
He nods lightly as I enter the location…
He drives off.
After about 10 minutes of silence, my
phone rings- it's Niki.
My phone is still connected to Derek's car.
I answer.
Me: Niki.
Niki: Boo, everything is ready. I am so
excited!
Me: Can't wait to see you.
Niki: You don't sound too excited.
Me: I am.
Niki: Listen, I want us to avoid you getting
too sad about this breakup… I don't want
us to go back to the days of the worm…
We agreed that our next breakups won't
turn us into wet puppies.
Me: Niki-
Niki: I invited a few guys I know from
work… We’ll have lots of fun.
Me: Uh-
Niki: One of them has great potential
wena my friend. Futhi he’s perfect for
your transition to singlehood. He'll dry
those tears and wet that va-
I quickly end the call and switch off my
phone.
I focus on the road ahead…
Yoh.

INSERT 230
I wasn't ready for the awkwardness.
I haven't even looked at him.
Man, Niki really caught me off guard. She
just wouldn't let me speak.
Derek is now speeding a bit too much for
my liking.
Me: Please slow down.
He looks at me briefly. Thereafter, he
focuses on the road again.
Me: Derek, slow down.
Derek: You have a party to get to, and
guests waiting for you.
Whoa.
I decide to keep quiet. I switch on my
phone again and text Niki.
Me: Idiot, I'm in Derek's car… He heard
everything you said.
I wait for her response.
She responds after a few minutes.
Niki: I'm confused. What are you doing in
his car?
Me: He came to my house randomly. He
offered me a lift.
Niki: Why? Ufunani?
Me: I don't know. Also, can we address
your big ass mouth??
Niki: Hai hai, how was I supposed to know
that you're with him? You should have
given me a signal.
Me: He’s speeding like crazy.
Niki: Manje he’s coming with you??
Me: No. He's angry though.
She sends laughing emojis.
Niki: Awkward much? Hai mina I'm not at
fault here. You should have given me a
signal.
I send her the middle finger.
Me: There's your signal, idiot.
Niki: Friend, why did you accept his lift?
You know that's not how things are done,
right?
Me: My mom literally forced me into the
car.
Niki: I hope you know that this is not
going to make things easier. You were
slowly letting go of him.
Me: You really want this to be over, neh?
Niki: I'm respecting your wishes. I'm not
going to tell you what to do. You know
how I am with men… Once I'm done, I'm
done. You explained why you want to
move on from him, I understand you, and
I respect that.
Me: Hmkay.
Niki: Anyway, everything is ready.
Tonight will be awesome. Just waiting for
people to get here.
Me: Don't try to hook me up with anyone,
please.
She sends laughing emojis.
Niki: Girl, I've got the perfect man for you!
He will rearrange your organs!
Me: Niki, stop being disgusting!
She sends laughing emojis.
Niki: I'll see you soon, boo.
Me: Shap.
I put down my phone and zone out…
After a while, Derek stops at the garage.
Derek: I'll be back.
He walks out and I watch as he goes
inside the shop.
Minutes later, he comes back, drinking
water.
He starts the car and drives off.
I want some water too, but I guess I'll get
some at Niki’s place.
He continues driving like a crazy person.
***
Eventually, we get to Niki’s place.
I really hope that she has furniture,
because I've heard some shady things
about Midrand people. I don't even
understand why she'd want to live so far.
Visiting her is going to be admin…
Anyway, I call Niki and tell her I've
arrived.
Derek drives in.
I spot Niki and she shows him where he
should park.
Me: Thanks for the lift.
He ignores me.
Haike.
I get out of the car.
Niki: Heeeyy!
We share a long hug.
Niki: *whispering* I thought you were
joking.
I hiss.
We both tense up when Derek gets out of
the car.
Niki lets go of me and smiles at Derek.
Niki: Derek!
Derek walks to our side.
Derek: Hi, Nikiwe.
They share a hug.
Derek: Congratulations on your new
place.
Niki: Thank you! My mom is still touched
that I left her…
Derek: Give her some time…
Niki: Hopefully, she'll get used to the
distance.
She shivers and looks at me awkwardly.
Niki: Ready?
Me: Ya.
She looks at Derek awkwardly as well, but
he continues looking at her coolly.
She turns and starts walking. Derek walks
behind her.
What's going on?
I find myself walking behind him.
We eventually get to Niki’s place.
Niki: This won't be a ratchet gathering.
We are within white people.
She looks at us excitedly.
Niki: Let me show you around…
There are already three guys here.
They're busy discussing marriage. I don't
really know what they're saying, but it
seems like a heated discussion.
Niki clears her throat and smiles.
Niki: Guys, this is Ziyanda, my best
friend… and Derek…
She avoids Derek's eyes..
Niki: These are my colleagues… This is
Jay… Muzi… and this is Owami…
They give me hugs and then shake hands
with Derek, whom I haven't looked at
directly. Just like Niki, I'm avoiding his
eyes.
Niki: Anyway, let me show you around,
guys.
She leads us around the apartment.
Me: Where's Kwani?
Niki: He’ll be joining us soon.
I nod.
Me: This is a cute place.
Niki: Right? Very cozy.
Derek: Can I use the bathroom?
Niki: Sure.
He walks to the bathroom. Niki and I walk
out of the bedroom.
Niki: I am shook!
Me: I don't know what's going on.
Niki: He obviously doesn't want your
vagina to be touched by other men.
Me: Niki, sies.
She laughs.
Niki: I'm trying not to be awkward, but
naye he’s all quiet and tense… he even
looks sexier than before.
I groan.
The door opens and Derek walks out.
Niki: Would you like anything to eat or
drink, Derek?
Derek nods.
We walk back to the lounge and Niki
disappears. The three guys are still
discussing marriage.
They're now seated in the lounge.
Derek and I sit next to each other.
Muzi: I don't want to get married… That
shit is too much. Getting a divorce is more
difficult and time-consuming than getting
a marriage certificate.
Jay: Why are you getting married with the
end in mind? That doesn't make sense.
Muzi: I don't believe that humans are
capable of staying in monogamous
relationships forever. That shit is
unrealistic.
Niki comes back with a plate filled with
finger foods.
Derek: Thank you.
The guys continue having this discussion.
Jay: Derek, what do you think? Derek look
at them coolly.
Jay: Do you think marriage is a scam?
Derek shakes his head.
Derek: Marriage is not a scam. It's quite
simple, really. Some people are meant for
marriage, and others aren't.
Jay: That's my point. If two people come
together, and have joint goals, then they'll
make it. My parents have been married
for 20 years now. They're still madly in
love with each other.
I'm not really interested in this
discussion.
I look at Derek as I stand.
Me: I left my bag in your boot. I'd like to
get it…
He takes out his keys and stands.
Me: I'll go. You can stay.
He looks at me calmly.
What is going on? I'm actually getting
annoyed now. Why is he here?
I walk out first and he walks behind me.
When we get to the car, I turn and look at
him sharply.
Me: Why are you here?
He looks at me calmly.
Me: Derek, why are you here?
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: Mxm.
I try to open the boot and he locks it.
I look at him angrily.
Me: Why are you doing this? He stares at
me. His expression changes. He’s now
looking at me sadly.
Derek: I didn’t think you’d leave me…
I try to say something, but end up keeping
quiet.
He stares at me intensely.
Derek: You know I’d never hurt you
intentionally.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: Do you think I’d hurt you on
purpose?
He stares at me expectantly.
I keep quiet.
He unlocks the boot and I take my bag.
As I close it, he steps closer to me.
Derek: I’m sorry for pushing you away.
I’m sorry for not respecting your space.
He looks at me pleadingly.
Derek: I didn't mean to make you angry.
He continues staring at me.
Derek: I don't even know why I'm here…
Once again, I'm invading your space…
He sighs heavily and scratches his head.
Derek: I'll leave you alone…
He looks at me regretfully and gets in the
car.
I sigh heavily as I open the door and get in
as well. I put my bag on the backseat.
He looks at me, as if he's expecting me to
speak.
Me: I'm not in the mood to talk.
He nods.
Derek: Ice cream?
I nod and he starts the car…

INSERT 231
We're now seated at a random
McDonald's, having ice cream.
We haven't spoken.
He's staring at me.
I stare back at him.
I genuinely don't want to talk, and I'm
glad he respects that.
After a while, we finish up and go back to
the car.
He drives back to Niki’s place. When we
walk in, we hear laughter. It seems like
more people arrived in our absence.
Niki walks to me and pulls me away.
Niki: I thought he kidnapped you.
I roll my eyes.
Me: Really?
Niki: Yes!
Me: Well, he didn't.
Niki: What's happening here?
Me: He apologised.
Niki: For what?
Me: Everything.
She shakes her head.
Niki: I love Derek, but he really needs to
check himself. Yet again, he failed to
understand the concept of space. Don't be
fooled by his sexiness and sobbiness.
Me: I don't want a lecture right now. I
didn't come here for that.
Niki: Hmkay.
Me: When did Kwanele get here?
Niki: Not so long ago.
I walk away from her and go to Kwanele,
who's standing with Derek.
He smiles when he sees me.
Kwanele: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hey.
We share a hug.
Kwanele: How are you?
Me: I'm okay and you?
Kwanele: Okay is not really a feeling.
I grunt.
Can he also not annoy me. Out here
behaving like a therapist.
He chuckles when he sees that I'm not
happy about his question.
Me: You and your girlfriend are living
your best lives.
He smiles.
Kwanele: We’re in a very good place. She
loves travelling, so I enjoy taking her to
new places.
He smiles lovingly and I can't help but
smile as well. I'm happy for them.
Me: That's really sweet. You guys are cute
together.
Kwanele: Thank you… You and Derek
have set quite a high standard for the rest
of us…
Haike. I can feel Derek's eyes on me.
Just then, Niki comes through and asks for
our attention. We look at her.
Niki: We’re about to play 30 Seconds.
Everyone exclaims.
Niki: I've added your names in this jar.
We're going to split into two teams.
Derek nudges me and I look at him. He
smiles knowingly and I chuckle.
He knows that 30 Seconds unleashes the
competitive beast in me.
Niki goes on to take out names…
I don't like this. I don't know these people.
What if I'm in a team full of idiots that
don't have general knowledge? We will
have a problem.
Derek and I not in the same team.
I groan.
Derek: Good luck.
He smiles as he walks to his team. He's
with Niki and Kwanele and a few others…
How unfair…
We eventually start playing…
***
I am pissed.
My team sucks.
These people just look at me like I'm
speaking a different language when I give
them clues.
What's worse is that their clues are also
shady. I find it difficult to infer.
The other team is leading.
Derek, Niki and Kwanele are out here
acting like they're Destiny's Child.
I am so annoyed. Brenda, Niki’s colleague,
is the one who annoys me the most. She
throws out random guesses and then
laughs when it's her turn to give clues.
Derek's team wins and they yell excitedly.
I hiss.
Brenda: Chomi, relax. It's just a game
weitsi.
I ignore her.
Brenda: Woo drama! Bathong!
I walk away from her and go to the
kitchen, because if I stay here I'll end up
slapping her dumb ass.
Soon, Niki comes laughing.
I look at her angrily and she continues to
laugh.
Niki: Fuck, we messed you up! We didn't
give you a chance!
I hiss.
Derek walks to the kitchen and looks at
me.
Niki: Don’t be a sore loser, friend.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: Let's get some fresh air.
I push Niko out of my way and she
continues laughing. Part of me thinks she
put me in that team on purpose, because
she knows I hate losing.
I walk out and Derek follows me.
Me: How dare she put me with those
idiots??
Derek looks at me, he's obviously trying
big all means not laugh.
Derek: Sorry.
Me: Nxx, did you see that girl laughing
when she was supposed to give us clues?
She stood there the entire time, laughing
and giggling!
He nods lightly and listens as I vent.
Me: I don't need this negativity in my life.
He eventually smiles and laughs quietly.
Me: It's not funny, Derek.
Derek: I'm sorry, baby.
I groan.
Me: I wanted to be in your team…
Derek: Me too… Askies…
I groan.
He pulls me closer and wraps his arms
around me.
Me: Then, the other one stutters. Why are
you playing 30 Seconds if uyangingiza?
He ends up laughing.
Derek: It wasn't your fault.
Our bodies touch and I look at him.
We stand there for a while.
Before I can say anything, his face is
already pressed against mine.
He gives me a kiss, and I try not to get lost
in it.
He stops and looks at me.
Derek: Baby, please give me a chance…
I look at him.
Derek: I'll do better, I promise.
Me: You won't screw me over like that
bitch, Brenda?
He laughs and shakes his head sternly.
Derek: I won't.
He squeezes me and places his lips on
mine.
Derek: You know I'll always fight for you,
right?
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: I'm not going to lose you over
something that can be rectified.
I sigh.
Me: I'm assuming Nomvuyo met up with
you?
He chuckles and nods.
I back up and stare at him seriously.
Me: What did you take from that
conversation?
Derek: That space is not abandonment.
I continue looking at him.
Derek: She said some harsh truths.
I don't say anything.
Derek: She made me realise that I was
expecting too much from you… In a
twisted way, according to her, I expected
you to be my mother as well…
I frown.
I didn't think about it like that.
Clearly Nomvuyo went in on him.
He wraps his arms around me again.
Derek: I have a lot of work to do. I am
nowhere near mental and emotional
stability. However, having you in my life
motivates me. I want to be better not only
for myself, but for you and Little Star.
He places his lips on mine again.
Derek: I know you don't want to talk…
He kisses me and I respond.
Derek: Please forgive me… I'll do
whatever it takes to fix our relationship.
I'm not going to make excuses for the shit
I've done.
He stares at me for a while.
Derek: Unlike Brenda, I won't let you
down. I'll keep trying.
I giggle and he smiles.
Derek: I miss you.
Me: Me too.
Derek: Do you, really?
I nod.
He gives me a hug and we stand there for
the longest time.
Me: I felt cornered. I didn't want to end
things, but I felt like that was my only
choice, because you weren't listening to
me.
Derek: I'm all ears now, baby.
I stare at him.
Derek: I'm serious.
Me: I've never claimed to be perfect, you
know that.
He nods lightly.
Me: Sometimes, I get scared. I get scared
that we depend too much on each other. I
don't want us to lose ourselves and our
sense of individuality. There are times
when I feel like things are moving too fast,
and I just need to slow down and chill…
by myself…
I sigh.
Me: I could never hate you. I don't even
know what hating you feels like. You just
love taking things personal. My need for
space doesn't mean that there's
something wrong with you.
Derek: I didn't understand that.
Me: Those were some intense weeks. I felt
like I was suffocating. I don't regret being
your shoulder to cry on. However, I just
needed some time to recuperate.
Derek: I get it now. I have had a lot of time
to process what you said the last time I
saw you in Cape Town.
I look at him.
He is being sincere.
Derek: Like I've said, I'm not going to
make excuses. I handled things wrong. I
led you to your breaking point.
We are silent for a while.
Derek: I love you. Every moment I'm
away from you, I feel lonely. And this is
not because I'm obsessed with you, or I'm
scared of being alone. I just love being
with you. I decided a long time ago that
you'll be my life partner, so losing you
because of shit that can be fixed is not
acceptable. I could never live with myself
knowing that you're out there hurt,
because of me.
Me: No, don't make me cry…
He smiles and plants a kiss on my
forehead.
Derek: You're special. You're the most
selfless person I know. You put other
people's needs first. You never hesitate to
help people. Like I always tell you, that's
an admirable trait, even though it's
frustrating at times.
He stares at me.
Derek: That breakup was the first time I
actually witnessed you choose yourself
over others. It was a bitter pill to swallow,
but it truly woke me up. I also need to
start prioritizing my mental and
emotional health. I can't give you the best
version of myself, because I haven't
unlocked my potential. And you're
absolutely right, that shit all depends on
me.
Me: That's all I want for you.
Derek: I wasn't hearing you.
I nod.
Derek: You're a blessing. As soon as I get
used to having you in my life, somehow, I
get reminded of your greatness, and I'm
smitten all over again. It's just an endless
cycle of undying love. I could never hate
you. Yes, I you piss me off and you make
me sad, but all of those negative emotions
never last, because my love for you
overshadows everything.
Me: Can’t a bitch break up with you in
peace?
He laughs.
Me: You always manage to warm up this
cold heart of mine.
Derek: I aim to please, Miss Dlamini.
I smile and we share a kiss.
Derek: Anyway, I have a question for
you…
I look at him in confusion as he smiles
brightly.
Derek: Will you be my person again?
I giggle.
Me: No. I was just about to meet new
guys. You're cock blocking me. Go away!
Derek: You and Niki sure know how to
fuck me up. I don't even know how I
managed to drive here safely.
Me: You almost killed me!
Derek: So, you don't want to be my
person again?
I shake my head.
Derek: Hmkay…
He smiles mischievously.
Derek: I have my persuasive ways…
He spanks my bum and I laugh.
Me: Let's go back inside. Niki is going to
think you kidnapped me again.
Derek: I can't believe she was ready to let
go of me like that.
Me: Niki is very good at cutting people off.
She wastes no time.
Derek: I'm kinda hurt.
Me: Angizingeni. We walk back inside.
We bump into Brenda.
Brenda: Chomi, you're back. We're
playing 30 Seconds again.
Derek laughs as I walk away and leave
him and Brenda there.
This time around, I'm choosing my team.

INSERT 232
Yes, I chose my team this time around.
Best believe we won.
Niki was with Brenda.
By the time we are done, she is pissed,
just like me. Now, she understands why I
was so angry. Brenda is literally the
worst!
Niki: Brenda, you must never play 30
Seconds!
Brenda: Aww chomi, askies!
Derek, Kwanele and I laugh at her.
Niki: Hai man! You're the worst!
We follow her to the kitchen and I
continue laughing at her.
Me: Chomi, why you mad doe?
She looks at me angrily.
Derek: Don’t be angry, chomi.
Niki: Kwanele, tell them to stop!
Kwanele: Baby, I'm sorry, but that shit
was hilarious.
She huffs. We continue making fun of her.
***
It's now around 23:00 and the vibe is still
nice.
Derek looks like he is ready to leave.
Me: You can go.
Derek: You're not coming with me?
I shake my head.
Me: Niki asked me to sleepover. I haven't
spent time with her in a while.
He looks at me like a lost puppy.
Derek: I thought you were going to come
with me…
Me: No.
He sulks.
Derek: Okay then. Will I see you
tomorrow?
Me: I'll let you know.
Derek: Okay.
He looks at me sadly.
Derek: Are you going to walk me out?
Me: Sure.
He says goodbye to Niki and Kwanele.
Kwanele: I should also get ready to leave.
Niki: You can't leave now. We need to
make sure that all these people leave.
Derek: Once again, congratulations on
your new place.
Niki: Thank you. They share a hug.
Derek: Good seeing you, Shenge.
Kwanele: Likewise, Hlomuka.
Me: I'll be back.
Niki: Shap.
Derek and I walk out and we get to his
car.
He is sulking. He knows that my cold
heart eases up when I see him sulk.
We get in the car.
Me: How's work?
Derek: Same old…
I nod lightly.
Derek: Your position is still available.
I shake my head.
Me: Space, remember?
He sighs and nods.
Derek: Are you going to move back in?
Me: I didn't say we're back together.
He tries sulking, but I shake my head.
Me: Not yet.
Derek: You're not going to get to know
Niki’s people, right?
He tightens his jaw. I assume he's
thinking about what Niki said earlier over
the phone.
I chuckle.
Me: I'm not even focused on other people
right now, Derek. I want to go back to my
old sane self. Derek: You've been sane
before?
Me: Very funny.
He chuckles.
Me: Niki is not running a brothel here.
Also, can you stop thinking I'm a horny
irrational person? First it was Andile,
now-
Derek: I never thought you'd cheat on
me…
Me: Hawu?
He looks at me guiltily.
Me: The fact that you invited yourself to
this party, shows how shady you are.
Derek: I just didn't want…
He groans.
Derek: Would you not do the same thing if
you were me?
Me: You seem to underestimate my pride.
I would have dropped you off and walked
away.
Derek: You're prideful.
I sigh.
Me: How is Dean?
Derek: He’s not fine.
Me: Why?
Derek: I think he's taking this breakup
worse than me.
Me: Did he tell you what Nolwazi said?
Derek: What?
Me: She doesn't want me at her wedding-
I'll cause drama.
He raises an eyebrow.
Derek: Dean told you that? I nod.
He chuckles.
Derek: Why is he snitching on his fiance?
I shrug.
Derek: Maybe that's why there's so much
tension between them. He mentioned that
he told Nolwazi about his fuck up, and she
went in on him. I wasn't interested in the
details, so I didn't bother asking what he
was talking about.
Me: It's not like I was planning on going to
the wedding.
He looks at me sharply.
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: Can you stop being naive?
He doesn't say anything.
Me: We are not in a good space.
Derek: You still think we're not in a good
space?
I keep quiet.
Derek: See, now you're just out to kill
me… I thought we-
Me: We're better.
Derek: Exactly.
He sighs.
Derek: So, Nolwazi doesn't want you
there?
I nod.
Derek: I'm sure she'll change her mind
once she sees that things are better.
Me: I'm not going to parade myself
around Nolwazi, so she can make
judgements. She's not that vital in my life.
Derek: Yoh.
Me: I wasn't going to go to the wedding
anyway. Dean snitched on her. I'm not
even going to bother questioning why he
told me, because I'm not married to
Lwazi. Dean will deal with his
consequences.
Derek doesn't say anything.
Me: I will respect her wishes and stay
very far from her drama-free world. What
I won't do though, is go to her and try to
convince her that I'm good and we're
good. Hai phela I don't worship Nolwazi.
Let's not overestimate our value in other
people's lives…
Derek: I'm actually surprised that she, out
of all people, would say such… She's
making it seem like you are the root of all
our drama. If she's doesn't want drama in
her wedding, then every single one of us
should be disinvited. Truly speaking,
we’re all fucked up in different ways. Each
of us has caused drama at some point in
time…
He sighs.
Derek: Dean shouldn't have told you…
Now, this shit is going to change how we
see her. Right now, she is looking quite
shady.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: I'll talk to her. I don't think she
meant it in a malicious way.
I don't say anything. I'm not even
interested at this point.
Derek: Does she really think I'm going to
go to her wedding by myself?
He looks at me in confusion.
Derek: Also, does she not understand that
cutting you off means she's also cutting
me off?
Me: Haike, stop the drama. I broke up
with you.
Derek: I'm not sure if you've noticed, but
my circle doesn't really take breakups as
a real thing… We fight for the people we
love. If something can be fixed, we don't
dismiss it. If it means we swallow our
pride, then so be it.
I think back…
Apparently Gabi reversed her divorce
with Jay.
Malusi never let go of Nandi. He always
made it clear that he would get her back
and change his ways. They're back
together now. Dean done fucked up with
the Ntsiki situation, but managed to
reestablish his relationship with Nolwazi
(with my help of course).
Liwa didn't accept the divorce. He met
Nomvuyo halfway. They're in a better
space now.
Now, Derek is out here with me…
I look at him.
Derek: Exactly.
I sigh.
Derek: I think Dean has been an
emotional mess over the past few weeks…
He has been seeing a therapist as well…
I'm not trying to make excuses for his
behaviour, but I don't think he snitched
on her on purpose.
Me: My focus is not on the messenger, it is
on the message. Like I said, Dean will deal
with his consequences and manage to
soften her up.
I sigh.
Me: Anyway, this is not main thing in my
life. I'm trying to get back to a stable
place, and this is the least of my worries.
Derek: Am I also the least of your
worries?
He looks at me all sadly.
Me: You've mastered the art of sulking.
He smiles mischievously.
Derek: I know the effect it has on you.
I sigh.
Me: I don't know. We need to go back to
Melinda…
He nods.
Derek: Anything to have you back in my
life.
He leans closer to me and we share a kiss.
Me: It's late. I need to sleep.
Derek: How are you going to sleep with all
those people in there?
Me: I'm not coming with you, Ngidi.
He sighs.
Me: See you around.
Derek: I love you.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Unganginyeli, Ziyanda.
I giggle.
Me: I love you too.
We kiss again.
Me: Shap.
Derek: Bye, baby. Thank you for not
cussing me out.
I chuckle as I get out of the car and watch
him drive off…

INSERT 233
Spending time with Niki has lifted my
spirits. There's never a dull moment with
her. She understands me, truly, and
doesn't want to sit around and talk about
deep shit 24/7. I love that I don't have to
explain myself to her. I also love that she
knows when to back off. I already have
more than enough people right now who
are convinced that they know what's good
for me, and while I appreciate their
investment, their constant follow-ups can
get overwhelming.
Niki has been there from day 1, I'm
genuinely care-free when I'm around
her…
Anyway, today is our last day together
and we are meeting up with Jeff and
Ziggy.
I haven't seen those two in a long time.
Jeff suggested we come to his house… We
were hesitant… Niki and I don't get along
with Luyanda, his fiance. She has never
liked us, nathi ke it’s not like she's our
favourite person.
Niki: I asked Ziggy if he's still dating
Nolwazi’s sister. Uthi she left him for a
white man in the UK.
I laugh.
Me: Yhu.
We eventually get to Jeff’s place.
Jeff is the most chilled person I know. He
is always on 40%. Akaphaphi like some of
us. Well, he’s high 70% of the time, so…
Jeff: You two sure know how to
disappear…
Niki: What about you? You've been MIA!
Jeff: I'm always chilling with Kwanele. I
don't understand why you never join us.
Niki: Hai, I'm busy.
We share hugs.
Jeff: Zi…
Me: Ya wena.
He smiles.
Jeff: It's been a minute.
Me: Eish, I know.
Jeff: Lu is visiting her father…
Niki: Excellent! Jeff chuckles.
Me: Where is Ziggy? I want to laugh at
him. I heard his ass got dumped for a
colonizer.
Jeff laughs.
Jeff: He’s been a sloppy mess for months.
He actually loved Ivy.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I'm hungry. Feed me.
We go to the dining room, and he has
already set up the table.
We dish up for ourselves.
Jeff: How are the things with the mean
man?
Ever since Jeff and Ziggy met Derek in
Maboneng that other time, they call him a
meanie. Apparently he wasn't kind...
Me: He's good.
Jeff: Is he still mean?
Me: He’s far from mean yazi.
Niki: They are rekindling their
relationship. This bitch broke up with
him.
Jeff: Really? What happened?
Me: Hai hai… Can we not focus on my
dramatic life?
Jeff chuckles.
Jeff: So, he's nothing like the worm?
Me: Euw no.
Jeff: Hmkay. If he's a problem, then you
know what to do.
Niki: Heyi, Jeff. You're convinced you're
the shit.
Jeff: I am…
We continue chatting for a while…
As we're eating, Ziggy emerges.
Me: Zig!
Zig: Hey, guys.
Niki and I hug him at the same time.
Me: They dumped you? He groans.
Me: Askies…
Zig: Mxm.
He pushes us away as we stifle laughs.
Zig: Yazi I'm heartbroken and you idiots
think this is a joke.
Jeff: We didn't know that you are capable
of being in love.
Zig: Mxm.
Niki dishes up for him and plants a kiss on
his cheek.
Niki: Zoba strong, boo.
He groans…
***
Niki and I left that house high as hell…
Jeff’s weed takes you to other places.
I'm out here craving Derek’s dick.
Me: I don't want to go to your place. Tell
the driver to drop me off at Derek’s place.
Niki: This bitch…
Me: You're not capable of giving me what
I currently want.
Niki: Mxm.
She adds Derek's address and the Uber
driver chuckles as we argue about me
wanting Derek’s dick.
Me: If you had a dick, then maybe I'd want
yours.
Niki: Manje I must magically grow a dick?
Me: Hai, it wouldn't be good enough
actually. I want Star's dick.
The Uber driver ends up laughing loudly.
We eventually get to Derek's place.
Me: Wait, I'm not sure if he's here. I need
to call him.
Niki: Out!
Me: Niki, futsek.
I call Derek and he answers.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Ukuphi?
Derek: I'm at home.
Me: Great. I'm outside.
Derek: Uh?
Me: Woza.
I end the call.
Me: He’s coming.
The Uber driver continues laughing as
Niki and I continue arguing.
After a few minutes, Derek walks to the
gate. Heyi, those sweatpants will be
ripped off.
Me: Byeee!
The Uber driver chuckles.
I open the front door and bend to give
Niki a kiss.
Me: I love you.
Niki: I love you too.
Me: I just want this dick, friend. It’s been
close to two months.
She laughs and I kiss her again.
Me: I love you.
Niki: Just go, you whore.
I kiss her again and close the door. I walk
towards the open gate. I legit feel like I'm
walking on clouds.
Derek looks confused and happy.
Me: Heyiii!
He looks at me in shock as I plant a kiss
on his lips.
Derek: What's happening?
Me: Let’s go inside. Yabona it's about to
rain.
He watches as I walk inside.
I'm already planning on what I'm going to
do. I genuinely hope that he's ready…
***
I open my eyes and blink a few times.
I sit up.
Derek: Finally.
I snap out of it.
He's standing by the door, with a wide
smile on his face.
He walks to the bed and sits next to me. I
cover myself with a towel that evidently
served its purpose, judging by its
dampness.
Derek: Hey.
Me: Hi.
I clear my throat as I recall everything
that happened.
Derek: You okay?
I look down. I suddenly feel shy. Haibo,
the things I did? I'm shook.
Derek: What did you drink?
I groan.
Me: Smoked weed.
He chuckles.
Derek: I thought you were a freak, but
now I'm convinced you're hiding another
side of yourself.
Me: Derek!
I stand and cover myself with the towel
properly.
Derek: Don’t be embarrassed, baby.
I walk to the bathroom and he follows me.
Me: I'd like to shower in peace, please.
I want to wash away my sins.
Derek laughs as he walks out of the
bathroom and closes the door.
***
Once I'm done showering, I go to the
lounge and find Derek with Liya.
She immediately smiles when she sees
me.
Me: Mama.
Liya: Mamama…
I smile as I take her from Derek and
shower her with kisses.
Me: Hey, sugar.
She giggles.
Me: Missed you.
Liya: Mamama!
Me: Yaaas!
She giggles. Derek, as usual, is already
snapping pics and taking videos.
Me: I look crusty. Awume kancane.
Derek: You and crusty in the same
sentence doesn't make sense.
Me: Flattery won't get you far.
Derek: You’d be surprised.
He smiles mischievously.
Me: Argh, I don't need your negativity in
my life!
He laughs.
Me: I have to go.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: If you think I'm going to let you
out of this house when the weather is this
bad, then you obviously don't know me.
I sigh.
Derek: Go put on your pajamas. I'll dish
up for you.
Me: Hmkay…
I go upstairs with Little Star.
When I come back downstairs, he’s
already playing the Real Housewives and
my food is on the table.
Me: Look at you…
Derek: I aim to please…
Me: Hmkay.
I sit and he takes Little Star as I start
eating.
Derek: So, are we going to forget the
things you said and did?
Me: Yes, if you know what's good for you.
He laughs and kisses Little Star.
Derek: Your mother showed me flames to
today…
Liya: Mamama!
Derek chuckles.

INSERT 234 (Unedited)

Derek and I have been in the house for
two days straight.
This cold heart of mine is slowly warming
up.
Derek has been feeding me… in many
ways...
Derek: I missed cooking for you.
Me: I can see.
Derek: When are you going to admit that
you missed me too?
Me: I thought I did…
He smiles.
Derek: Not enough.
Me: I missed you.
Derek: You're even calling my daughter
Little Star again.
Me: Huh?
Derek: I've noticed that when you detach
yourself from me, you call her Liyakha.
Me: Really? I didn't notice.
He chuckles.
Derek: I'm observant, especially when it
comes to you.
Me: Asim’shayeleni izandla, bazalwane.
He laughs.
Derek: Don't mock me.
Just then, my phone rings and Derek gives
it to me.
I check the caller ID.
Derek: Answer it, baby.
I answer.
Me: Hello.
Nolwazi: Hi, Zi, how are you?
Me: Good, thanks.
She clears her throat.
Nolwazi: It has come to my attention that
something I said to Dean managed to get
to you… I would like to meet with you to
clear up any misunderstandings.
Me: What misunderstandings?
She sighs.
Nolwazi: Come on, Zi.
Me: What's there to explain?
Nolwazi: Can we meet?
Me: I'd rather not meet, seeing as I'm
keeping to myself for now.
Nolwazi: I didn't mean it in a negative
way. I was and still am concerned about
you and Derek. I don't want to put you in
an uncomfortable position.
I don't say anything.
I really don't want to engage with people.
I want to be forgotten for a while.
Nolwazi: Ivy, is going to be there. The last
time you saw each other, you got into a
physical fight. I don't want to put you in a
space filled with triggers.
Me: Okay, Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: I hope you understand. I just…
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I just want a peaceful wedding.
Me: Okay.
Nolwazi: I apologize for offending you.
Me: It's okay.
She sighs again
Nolwazi: Bye.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and give Derek the phone.
Derek: What did she say?
Me: She wants a peaceful wedding. She
brought up Ivy. She's worried that I'll get
into a fight with her.
Derek: I thin-
Me: I don't have the energy for this. Can
we please drop it?
He shakes his head.
Derek: Dean loves you, Ziyanda. He truly
loves you. I'm sure he'd be with you if I
wasn't around.
He laughs.
Me: Euww!
Derek: Nolwazi probably feels a little
jealous. It's understandable though. Dean
does the most when it comes to you.
Me: I can't be punished for that. It's not
my fault that Dean cares for me. Also, I've
never given Nolwazi a reason to feel some
type of way about my relationship with
Dean.
Derek: I don't think she's being malicious.
Me: Okay, can we drop it?
Derek: Zi-
Me: No, Derek. I don't want this to be a
“thing" that needs to be fixed. Leave it.
He sighs.
Me: This is what gets me frustrated… I
don't want to be in the middle of any shit.
I've been keeping my distance, and I want
it to stay that way.
Derek: You think Dean will be okay with
you not coming to his wedding?
Me: Yoh, nkos’ yami.
Derek: You two have built a very deep
relationship. He wants you to be there…
Just then, his phone rings.
Dean: Speaking of the devil…
Derek answers the phone.
Derek: Dean… Ya… Okay…
He ends the call and stands.
Derek: He’s here.
He walks away and I groan.
I really hope that Dean is his usual happy
self, and this Nolwazi thing won't be
dragged out, because once again, my head
will be on the block.
This time, I refuse. I'm not going to be
involved in this shit.
Minutes later, Dean comes in.
He looks at me in disbelief.
Dean: What's happening?
Derek chuckles as he sits next to me.
Me: Hey.
I cover myself with a blanket.
Dean sits and looks at me.
Dean: Are you back?
I shake my head.
Me: Weed led me here.
He looks at Derek, who's smiling like a
kid.
Dean: So, you don't bother calling me
when you two fix things?
Me: How are you?
He groans.
Dean: Nolwazi says she called you… She
called me on my way here.
I nod lightly.
Derek: Kahle kahle, why would you tell
Ziyanda that shit?
Dean: I don't know. It just came out.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: So, you snitched on Lwazi and then
snitched on yourself after that?
Dean groans.
Derek: How are things between you two?
Dean: She is pissed.
Derek: As she should. It would have been
better if you told me… Why would you tell
Ziyanda? You're quite dumb.
Dean: Mxm.
Dean looks like a big baby that needs a
teddy bear and a warm hug. Clearly,
Nolwazi is dealing with him thoroughly.
Dean: Manje wena why don't you want to
talk to Nolwazi?
Me: There’s nothing to talk about.
Derek: Kanti what's Nolwazi’s problem?
Dean: She wants a peaceful wedding.
Derek: You need to elaborate.
Dean: You and Ziyanda aren't together.
Your vibe is tense…
He looks at us.
Dean: Obviously that's no longer the case.
Derek: She specifically said she doesn't
want Ziyanda there?
He nods.
Dean: Things are not good between us
right now…
Me: I hope you're not going to blame me
for this.
Dean: Of course not, idiot.
He looks at me begrudgingly.
Dean: Nolwazi thinks this wedding is hers
only. She seems to forget that I'm also
part of this shit, and it's not about what
she wants only.
Yhu.
Dean: I had to remind her, and she didn't
take it well… She knows I care about you,
so why would she even say that you
shouldn't come to the wedding? I believe
that Ivy is a drama magnet, but am I
against her coming to the wedding? No. I
don't want Sly to come, because she's
Liwa’s ex and Nomvuyo hates her guts,
and I know she's going to do some
annoying shit, but am I requesting that
she doesn't come to the wedding? No,
because I know that Nolwazi loves her,
and if she does try to cause drama, then
we'll deal with that shit.
We keep quiet as he vents.
Dean: Do you know who Mdu is bringing
to the wedding? Tholi. Do you know who
the fuck hates Tholi? Ivy! How the fuck is
she okay with that combination, but she's
suddenly above Ziyanda’s drama? If I told
her that Ivy shouldn't come, she would
cancel the wedding and probably dump
me. Can we not forget that Ivy loves
antagonizing people. She's not innocent.
She loves bothering people. She's going to
freak out when she sees Mdu and Tholi. I
sigh when I think of poor Tholi. I'm sure
she's freaking out about going to the
wedding. I should call her...
Dean: I shouldn't have told you what she
said, but I was pissed. I'm still pissed.
Derek exhales loudly.
Derek: What did she say when you
mentioned this?
Dean: She apologised, but she's not
willing to meet me halfway.
Dean stares at Derek.
Dean: Would you go to my wedding
without Ziyanda?
Derek shakes his head.
Derek: That wouldn't make sense.
Dean: So, it's okay for me to get married
in the absence of my loved ones while she
is drowning in her loved ones’ presence?
Whoa.
Dean is angry mos. I may have
underestimated this.
Dean: I know our wedding will have
drama- with or without you. I just think
it's hypocritical to pick and choose which
drama you're willing to deal with. I don't
want to deal with Mdu, Tholi and Ivy. That
shit drains me, but am I going to expect
her to not invite them? Fuck, no.
I stand and go sit next to him.
Dean: You two have become my pillars of
strength, genuinely. Am I wrong for
wanting you to celebrate this shit with
me? You're my family. Why should I be
okay with eliminating you from my
special day, and then deal with the drama
from Nolwazi’s people?
Me: I didn't know you felt so strongly
about this.
Dean: Nolwazi has no reason to feel
threatened by anyone. For fuck sake, I've
never loved anyone as much as I love her.
We shouldn't be fighting about such petty
bullshit. I have bigger shit to worry about.
I don't need this shit right now.
I look at him sadly.
Dean: I'm supposed to be happy as fuck
right now, instead I'm fighting and
explaining myself over some bullshit.
Derek comes and sits next to him as well.
Derek: I'll talk to Lwazi.
Dean doesn't say anything. He looks at
me.
Dean: Don’t take this shit personally.
None of this is your fault.
Me: Don't worry, I wasn't blaming myself.
He chuckles.
Dean: Of course…
He sighs heavily.
Dean: I love Nolwazi. I've always been
loyal to her. However, I disagree with her
this time around. I don't want to fight
over such pettiness.
He keeps quiet for a while and then looks
at me.
Dean: You’re really back with my brother?
Me: Not really.
Dean: You're coming to my wedding.
Me: No, I'm not.
Dean: I'll drag you there.
Derek: I'll help you.
I stand as Little Star wakes up and looks
at us
Me: I have a child to take care of.
Dean: Derek, pour me some whiskey. My
heart needs some electricity.
Derek: On it.
Dean: Bring my niece wena.
Me: You know, I was starting to feel sorry
for you, but now you're back to being an
idiot.
I give him Liya. He gives her a kiss and
she smiles.
Dean: Ya wena, Depression.
Me: Dean!
He laughs.
Dean: Yini? That should be her second
name.
Me: I really hope Nolwazi leaves your ass.
He chuckles.
Dean: That won't happen…
I watch as he continues playing with a
very happy Star...
INSERT 235
Dean: Let's get one thing clear- you are
coming to my wedding.
Me: Let's get one thing clear- I am not
coming to your wedding.
He looks at me seriously.
Dean: I've never been one to hold
grudges, but trust me, if you don't come to
my wedding, I will never forgive you.
I keep quiet.
Part of me feels like he means that.
Derek: Don’t make her feel bad. Your
fiance doesn't want her there.
Dean: And as for you… If you're not
there…
Dean looks at him seriously.
Derek: I'll come to your wedding, Dean.
Dean: Good.
Derek: However, I'm not going to force Zi.
Dean doesn't say anything.
Me: Anyway, uhambe kahle. See you
around.
I give him a hug and Derek walks him out.
I love Dean, but I'm not going to that
wedding. Imagine inviting yourself to a
wedding you were asked not to attend.
Andizi. Bazongi-draw-a.
After a while, Derek comes back.
Derek: The wedding is next week
Saturday.
Me: Nice.
Derek: You really aren't going?
Me: Nope.
He sighs.
Derek: Okay.
Me: I'll chill with Jeff and Ziggy.
Derek: Excuse me?
I look at him.
Derek: You're going to chill with those
drug addicts?
Me: They are not drug addicts!
He hisses.
Me: Futhi you should be very thankful,
because if it wasn't for Jeff’s weed, I
wouldn't be here.
Derek: You're not taking my daughter
there.
I roll my eyes.
Me: I'll go home then.
Derek: Good.
Me: Speaking of home… I miss my
parents.
He looks at me sadly.
Me: I should get going. I've been here for
too long. I was supposed to go back home.
He sulks and I shake my head.
Me: Not falling for it.
Derek: I called Melinda. She says we
should come on Wednesday.
Me: Cool. I'll see you then.
He sighs.
Derek: I'll take you to Soweto.
Me: As you should. I don't have money for
Uber.
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: I'm broke.
Derek: I thought there was money in the
card I gave you.
Me: I'm trying not to depend too much on
you, Derek. Also, angijoli nawe.
Derek: Then you'll stay broke. I give you
money every month. If you don't use it,
then that's your problem.
Me: Just take me home!
Derek: I'd like to shower first.
Me: Make it snappy!
Derek: Ungangiphapheli.
Clearly Dean’s bossy vibes are rubbing off
on him.
***
We finally get home.
My mom is beyond excited to see me.
Mom: Baby girl!
I chuckle and hug her.
Me: Hello, sthandwa.
Mom: I've missed you. I initially wanted to
get rid of you, but I really missed you.
I smile.
Mom: You seem lighter and happier.
Me: Really? Hehe I wonder why.
Just then, Derek walks in with Little Star,
and my mom looks at him in shock.
Derek: Sawubona, ma.
Mom: Haibo, Nkanyi. I wasn't expecting to
see you.
Derek: She was with me for the past two
days.
Mom: Really??
Derek nods and smiles.
Mom: Oh… Okay!
She looks at me amusingly.
Little Star starts screeching and my mom
takes her from Derek.
Mom: Hello, baby!
Liya giggles.
Mom: I've missed your noise.
She stares at my mom.
Mom: Unjani?
She starts mumbling and speaking to her
imaginary friends.
Mom: How are you, Nkanyezi?
Derek: I'm good, ma. How are you?
Mom: I'm also good.
We go to the lounge and catch up.
***
Mom: Dean tells us that Nolwazi doesn't
want you to come to the wedding…
Hai, not this again.
Me: Please don't make it a big deal.
Mom: Oh, I'm not. I told Dean that I'm not
going as well.
Both Derek and I look at her in shock.
Mom: Hai phela, why should I go if you
won't?
We continue looking at her in shock as
she kisses Little Star.
Mom: This whole thing seems very
strange to me. I don't understand why
you're being singled out. I won't enjoy
that wedding knowing that you were not
invited.
Me: What did Dean say?
Mom: He got emotional… Your father said
he will go. Mina angiyi lapho. Let's not
forget that this dramatic girl that is being
singled out is my child.
Me: You should go, for Dean’s sake.
She stares at me.
Me: He thinks highly of you. I know it will
hurt him if you don't go.
My mom shakes her head.
Mom: I'll think about it. I think at some
point we should draw the line. You're my
child, and I'm going to stand by you.
I groan.
Dean must be all over the place. I'm
starting to feel bad for him.
Derek: Okay, I need to speak to Nolwazi.
This is getting out of hand. I genuinely
don't think she is trying to be malicious.
She's not that type of person.
Mom: Go talk to her. We're still not going
to that wedding.
I feel like Petty have left my body and
decided to torture my mom.
Derek: This is being blown out of
proportion.
Mom: Ziyanda is not going to that
wedding. Haibo my child is not a wedding
beggar. She'll survive if she doesn't
attend.
Me: What did your husband say?
Mom: You know how he is. He thinks
Dean should have spoken to him first
before he brought the issue to you.
Derek: That's true though.
Mom: Hai I don't care about all of that.
She stands.
Mom: Let's go get some fresh air, baby
girl.
Little Star smiles as she is showered with
kisses.
My mom walks out.
Derek and I look at each other.
Derek: We need to speak to-
Me: We?
Derek: Yes.
Me: No.
Derek: Zi, come on.
I shake my head.
Me: No. I'm not going to insert myself in
this. Angithi you always say I'm must stop
trying to solve other people's problems?
That's exactly what I'm doing.
Derek: I don't want this to be dragged out.
Me: U-right phela. I'm not getting
involved. Nolwazi has her reasons and I'm
going to back off and respect those
reasons.
Derek sighs.
Me: If Nolwazi has a problem with me,
and she doesn't bring it to me directly,
then that is her problem. I'm not going to
take responsibility for something that has
not been brought to me.
Derek: Zi, we can't let them fight over
such. This shit is petty.
Me: Haike, I've taken off my Iyanla hat.
You can fix their life bhuti. Angizingeni.
Derek: Are you doing this to try prove a
point?
Me: I'm doing what you have always
asked me to do- stay in my corner and not
get involved. You are the ones who are
making it a big deal.
Derek groans.
Me: Would you like something to drink?
He hisses.
Me: Hmkay.
I go to the kitchen and pour myself some
water.
The door opens and my dad walks in.
I'm shocked to see Liwa come in right
after my dad. Nomvuyo also comes in.
Nomvuyo: Koko endlini!
Me: Ngena!
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Whoa.
Is Liwa back? Like, is this the Liwa we all
know and love?
Me: Liwa!
We share a hug.
Me: How are you??
Liwa: I must say that Melinda and her
people are the shit.
Dad: Liwa.
Liwa: Oh, sorry. They're amazing!
We share another hug.
Nomvuyo: Hey, you.
She smiles slyly.
Me: Hey.
We share a hug and she kisses me.
Nomvuyo: You're looking good…
She looks at me mischievously and I roll
my eyes.
We walk to the lounge.
Nomvuyo: Oh… Hi, Derek.
Derek: Hello, Vuvu.
Nomvuyo bends and kisses his cheek.
She sits next to him.
Liwa clears his throat.
Liwa: Derek.
Derek: Liwa.
Okay. I guess they still have a long way to
go.
Liwa and my dad sit.
Dad: Ziyanda, we need to discuss
something.
Me: Uhm, I'll be back.
Nomvuyo: Uyaphi?
Me: My mom is calling me outside.
Derek: Zi-
Me: I'll be back.
I turn and walk out of the house. I find my
mom by the gate.
Me: Let's go.
Mom: Yhu, I thought you'd never ask. I'm
tired mina.
I laugh.
We walk out of the yard.
Me: What's gotten into you? You seem
snappy.
Mom: Angazi. I'm just tired.
Me: Siyafana. Your husband has started.
Mom: You know your father… He’s not
going to let this go.
I groan.
Mom: I'm just not in the mood right now.
I'm tired of being an adult.
I laugh as she continues complaining.
INSERT 236
My mom and I literally took an Uber and
went to Maponya Mall with Little Star.
We're now having ice cream at Steers.
Mom: Yazi I'm trying to understand what
Nolwazi is saying, but I'm struggling.
Me: It's okay. I don't think she should be
punished for not wanting me there. It's
her wedding.
Mom: Haibo phela she's not the only one
involved. Why would you intentionally
ask someone your husband cares about to
not come to the wedding?
I shrug.
Mom: I think there's some envy involved
here. I don't say anything.
Mom: You and Dean are close. She might
be feeling left out.
Me: I'd rather you say that, so I can alter
my behavior to ensure that I don't make
you feel excluded. She's being passive
aggressive.
She nods.
Mom: Either way, you're not going to that
wedding. I didn't raise you to go around
involving yourself where you're not
needed.
Me: Calm down. I'm really not that
emotional about it. I'm fine.
Mom: Good, because I'm not fine. I don't
know why, but I'm quite angry. I don't
understand why she would single you out
like that. Everyone in this group has
drama.
I sigh.
Me: That's why I want to take a step back.
Mom: Hai nawe, Ziyanda. Couldn't you
pick a different man? Yazi ever since they
came into our lives, there's always
something going on. I miss the peaceful
life we had before they came.
I laugh.
Me: It's not like I had a choice.
Mom: Yhuu hai shame! I'm sure you could
have settled with someone else, and live a
quiet life.
I continue laughing.
Mom: Kodwa there’s nothing we can do.
Bheka manje we have grown to love all of
them. I only signed up for one child, but
now I'm dealing with all these other
children… Kunzima.
Just then, my phone rings.
Me: It's Derek.
Mom: Hai he must wait. I let it ring and
we laugh.
Mom: You know, every group has
different dynamics… I believe that every
person in the group has a role. It may be
an unspoken rule, but I think for every
group to function, people should have
different roles. This group is no different.
We continue chatting for a while.
Little Star keeps wanting my ice cream.
She's busy sticking her little tongue out…
***
After about an hour, my mom and I get
back to the house.
As the Uber driver arrives, we see that all
the cars are still outside. Now, there's
another unfamiliar one.
Mom: Yoh! Bhut’ Uber Driver don't stop.
Just drive!
I laugh.
Mom: Hai hai kanti bahamba nini??
I continue laughing. My mom is cracking
me up today. I don't know what has
gotten into her.
Mom: Just drive, Mr Uber.
Driver: I can't. I've already accepted the
next trip.
Mom: Ziyanda, what is this person saying?
Tell him that we can't afford to get in this
house.
Me: We have to…
She groans as she gets out of the car.
I get out as well and we stand by the gate.
Mom: Whatever happens, I want you to
shut your mouth, you hear me?
Me: Okay.
We walk in the yard and then she opens
the door and walks in.
Yhu.
Everyone is here now. Derek, Liwa,
Nomvuyo, Zimkitha, Dean and Nolwazi.
Lord.
All because my ass wasn't invited to a
wedding?
Mom: And then?
They all stare at us.
Little Star starting laughing.
I take her from my mom and she rests her
head on my neck and keeps quiet… such
an attention seeker.
Dad: Please sit.
These people's presence makes my house
seem too small.
My mom sits.
They even got chairs for us.
Me: I'm going to put Liya-
Derek: Sit, Ziyanda.
Haibo.
I look at him. He's not even smiling.
I sit next to my mom.
Nolwazi is looking at me.
She's expressionless.
I hope she knows that I'm not the one
who called this meeting. Next thing she
says I caused this shit.
Nomvuyo clears her throat.
We all look at her.
Nomvuyo: Liwa and I didn't know that
this would happen. We just came to say
hi…
Liwa: Uhm… Ya. We're going to leave
now.
As they're about to stand, my dad looks at
them sharply.
Dad: Sit.
They sit back. Baswabile.
Dad: I'm getting tired of the back and
forth, and childishness that takes place in
this group. Lately, you have all been
acting like uncultured fools.
Whoa.
We all look at him in shock.
Dad: What happened to the positivity that
radiated here? What happened to the
open communication?
No one responds.
Dad: I'm sick and tired of this. I know for a
fact that you all love and care for each
other, so what is all this nonsense? You
talk behind each others backs, you
badmouth each other, and you shut each
other out... What is happening?
We keep quiet.
Dad: If you want to see me angry, then
you will continue staring at me like idiots.
Derek clears his throat and we all look at
him.
Derek: We don't seem to trust each other
anymore.
Dad: Why? None of you act from
maliciousness, so why would you lose
trust?
Derek shrugs.
Zimkitha: I know that my situation
contributed to the loss of trust.
My dad looks at Zimkitha.
Dad: We’re not going to deal with your
situation right now. It's a different story
that needs proper analysis.
Zimkitha nods. I'm sorry, but that almost
cracks me up. I try my best not to laugh.
My dad doesn't have the energy to deal
with Zimkitha. That issue needs Melinda.
Dad: You all need to wake up and realise
that your pettiness is not benefiting this
group.
He looks at Nomvuyo.
Dad: You still haven't figured out why
you're not kind to others?
Whoaaa!
Nomvuyo looks at my dad in shock.
Yes, boo. He done came for your ass!
My dad looks at Derek.
Dad: You still blaming anger for some of
the cruel things you say?
Haiii!
Derek looks like he just got slapped.
My dad then looks at Liwa.
Dad: You still choosing to isolate yourself
instead of fighting for your brothers’ love?
Yhu.
My dad then looks at me.
Dad: Wena are you still hiding behind
your pride and making excuses just so
you can isolate yourself?
I don't say anything.
He looks at Dean.
Dad: Are you still lying to yourself about
being emotionally okay?
Yoh.
He finally looks at Nolwazi.
Dad: And, are you still pretending to be
okay with things and not voicing out what
you truly feel to the relevant people?
We are all gobsmacked.
Dad: You're not leaving this house until
you solve every single one of your issues.
You always say you're married to each
other, so nothing is off the table…
He sits back and stares at us coolly.
Little Star looks up and starts giggling
loudly.
Part of me feels like this child is a grown
ass drama queen trapped in a baby’s
body.

INSERT 237
We all stare at him.
Dad: I’m waiting.
I’m going to follow my mom’s advice, and
not say a word! I’m not going to open my
mouth.
Derek clears his throat and we all look at
him.
Derek: Well, I think we have all identified
that I can get angry at times…
He sighs and looks at my father.
Derek: I’m dealing with it though. I’m
getting professional help.
My dad nods slowly.
Derek: I’m dealing with all the things I’ve
kept buried. It’s not easy, but I think I’ll
get there in time.
Dad: That’s admirable, Hlomuka. I’m glad
that you’re getting help. You cannot allow
your emotions to control your actions.
You need to get to a place where you
reflect before you react.
Derek nods.
Dad: We’ll continue supporting you.
Derek smiles.
Mxm, he’s off the hook.
Derek: I appreciate your support.
He looks at me.
Derek: I know I have dismissed your
needs before, but I can assure you that
I’ve learnt from this breakup. I’d like to
apologise in front of everyone as well. I’m
sorry for not giving you space when you
needed it, and dismissing your needs at
that time.
I try not to roll my eyes.
He’s doing the most right now.
My father is busy smiling, and Derek
knows he has won him over, as always.
Derek: I’ll continue fighting for you…
Liya starts mumbling loudly.
Liya: Dadadada!
Yhu, bayafana nje. They know when to do
the most.
He stands and takes Little Star from me.
Liya: Dadada!
Derek kisses her and sits.
Dad: I hear you, Ngidi.
My dad glances at me.
Dad: All you need to do is give Ziyanda
her space when she needs it. Don’t
overwhelm my child.
Derek nods lightly.
There is silence once again.
Liwa clears his throat as well.
Liwa: I’d rather not delve deeper into my
issue… All you need to know is that I’m
also getting the help I need.
Dad: So, getting help means backing away
from your brothers?
Liwa: I’m giving them space.
Dad: Did they ask for space?
Liwa tries speaking, but ends up keeping
quiet. He doesn’t have an answer.
Dad: The problem is that you all love
making assumptions.
He looks at us.
Dad: You assume that you know what the
next person needs. You assume that you
know what the next person is thinking. As
a result, you end up messing up, because
it turns out that you misinterpreted
everything.
Heyi.
There’s silence again.
Mom: Kahle kahle, I have a problem with
everyone here…
Oh no.
My mom sits properly.
Mom: Yazi, I don’t know if you’re aware,
but every group has different dynamics.
These dynamics can be functional or
dysfunctional…
Everyone is staring at her.
Mom: Let’s look at this group’s dynamic…
You all have different personalities, and
somehow, everyone’s personality
contributes to the group’s uniqueness.
She looks at Derek.
Mom: Derek is the brains of the group…
Dean: He’s really not that smart.
Derek: Don’t come for me.
I chuckle to myself.
Mom: He’s not out there like everyone.
He’s more quiet. However, he’s the
thinker and always has great ideas for
improving things… He is also a fighter…
Dean: Literally.
Mom: Langelihle. Dean looks down.
Derek: Thank you.
My mom ignores him and looks at
Nomvuyo.
Mom: Nomvuyo may be unfriendly, but
she’s actually the mother of the group.
She takes care of everyone and ensures
that they’re safe. She enjoys mothering
you people. You all need her strictness,
because you’d go wild without her.
Nomvuyo doesn’t say anything, but she
smiles slightly.
My mom then looks at Liwa.
Mom: You, Liwa, represent optimism.
Everyone comes to you when they need
good vibes. You always find ways to
lighten the mood. Your bubbly
personality is contagious, and you bring
out the child in everyone in this group.
You may be going through a rough patch
right now, but you will be okay…
Liwa: Thank you.
She looks at Dean.
Mom: You are just the honest one. You
value honesty over everything. You love
holding people accountable, and that is a
good trait. You hate whispers. You want
everything to be out in the open. You
understand the importance of
communication…
My mom seems to have figured out
everyone. I didn’t really think about
people’s contribution to the functionality
of the group, hey.
She looks at Nolwazi.
Mom: You represent focus and
achievement. You’re a goal oriented,
independent woman, and you want
everyone to build solid lives for
themselves. You always encourage people
to set goals and action plans in every
aspect of their lives…
Nolwazi doesn’t say anything.
Mom: And finally, there’s Ziyanda… Do I
really need to explain what she brings to
the table?
Liwa: She’s the problem-solver.
Mom: Exactly. Ziyanda is a mixture of her
father and myself. She loves tackling
problems, mediating and she’s feisty.
Some of you still don’t understand her
feistiness. It really doesn’t come from a
bad place. She hates it when people are
not getting along. She wants to deal with
issues head on… She looks at everyone.
Mom: I have a problem with how Ziyanda
is treated here… Whenever you’re going
through low moments, she’s usually the
first person you call. Because she’s who
she is, she obviously will not end your call
and move on with her life as if nothing is
happening. She’s going to drop everything
and focus on helping you out- the same
way her father is doing now.
She looks at everyone.
Mom: Please don’t get confused. Ziyanda’s
father and I do have a life. We don’t sit
here and twiddle our thumbs, waiting for
you to come run to us… We’re doing all
this mediating, because that’s how we are.
We are not comfortable with unsolved
situations.
She continues looking at everyone.
Mom: You all call Ziyanda when things
aren’t going well… I know Ziyanda. She
will never ignore a problem that she feels
she can solve in some way. She loves
every single one of you in this room, and
she hates it when your relationships take
a dip…
She sighs.
Mom: My issue is that none of you are
acknowledging that this is not an easy
role. Somehow, she’s always left feeling
drained, and when she shuts down, you
don’t empathise with her…
Derek and Dean look down.
Mom: This whole thing of minimising her
to a childish drama queen needs to stop,
because believe it or not, some of you
managed to solve your shit because of
her.
Heyi.
I look at her.
Is she getting angry?
Mom: And now Liwa is suddenly left out.
She looks at Dean and Derek.
Mom: What have you two done to make
sure that he is okay? You can’t blame this
boy for Zimkitha’s actions… Also, we can’t
even blame Zimkitha for her actions,
because she didn’t have any other
choice…
Dean and Derek don’t say anything.
Mom: Liwa has been isolated for many
weeks now. Have you even checked in on
him? Yes, you’re all going for therapy
separately, but have you called to see how
he is doing? Do you not realise that you
need what he brings to the table? Look at
how miserable you all are. Liwa is not
around, and you have all shut him out.
She’s going off on us.
Mom: As for Dean… Have you also
checked on him? I’d like to think you’re
not stupid. It doesn’t take rocket science
to figure out that this boy is pretending to
be fine with this whole Zimkitha thing. He
thinks it would be selfish for him to get
emotional, because Derek is the one who
had more challenging experiences. He
doesn’t want the focus to be on him, but
have you ever stopped to think about how
he is? Yes, he has a better upbringing, but
the boy still found out that his life was a
lie…
She looks at us.
Mom: The problem is that none of you are
practising empathy. You don’t put
yourself in other people’s shoes.
She shakes her head.
Mom: And I am telling you… You can have
all the love in the world, but if you can’t
put yourself in the next person’s shoes,
you will never be able to maintain a
proper relationship with them. You will
all go through some tough times, but if
you can’t be empathetic and give yourself
time to understand what the person is
going through from their perspective, you
will not go anywhere. All your love is
wasted.
Everyone looks down.
Mom: I’m not happy with all of you right
now.
There’s silence for a while.
Dad: Thank you, my love.
I try not to gag.
Mom: Now that we have gotten this out of
the way. Let’s address the specific
situation that is currently troubling a few
of you…
My mom looks at Nolwazi.
Mom: You’re going to have to be honest.
We will deal with Dean later.
Dean: I’ve apologi-
Mom: Shut up. Uyaphapha wena. Thula.
Dean keeps quiet.
Dad: I thi-
My mom shakes her head.
Mom: This group deals with things very
strangely, so let’s not change, because we
want to stroke people’s egos.
Me: I’d rather we not discuss this. This
sho-
Mom: Shut up. Uyaphapha nawe.
Yoh, I keep quiet.
Now she has turned on me.
My mom looks at Nolwazi.
Mom: Like I said, we’ll deal with Dean
later for how he handled this… Into every
life some rain must fall. Everyone has had
a rainy day in this group. Today is your
day...
She stares at Nolwazi.
Mom: There’s been a lot of whispers
lately, and I think it’s only fair for you to
clear up any misunderstandings we might
have. Don’t talk about Dean, because like
I’ve said, we will deal with him later...
Nolwazi looks at my mom.
Mom: We are listening...

INSERT 238
Derek clears his throat.
We all stare at him.
Derek: Uhm, with all due respect, I don't
think we all need to be here for this
conversation. My mom looks at Derek.
Mom: Would you like to take over this
meeting?
Yhu.
Derek looks down.
My mother sighs.
Mom: Everyone can leave except Ziyanda,
Nolwazi and Dean.
They all stand and walk out within a
minute. Derek goes to the bedroom and
puts Liya to sleep. After, he walks out as
well.
I also want to leave!
Zimkitha stays.
Mom: I'd like you to be honest, Nolwazi. I
really don't want you to feel attacked.
Nolwazi: I feel very attacked right now.
Dad: That's not our intention.
Just as she's about to speak, we hear
footsteps.
Liwa walks in and clears his throat. We
look at him.
Liwa: Uhm…
He looks down.
Mom: Liwa, khuluma. We don't have time.
Liwa: Uhm, we wanted to ask for
permission to go out…
Mom: Go out where?
Liwa shrugs.
Liwa: Uhm, one of the places at Vilakazi.
Mom: So, you want to go and get drunk?
Liwa: No, no, ma. We just… He sighs in
defeat.
Mom: Just go.
Liwa quickly walks out.
Hai hai, I also want to go to Vilakazi! Why
should I be subjected to this??
My mom looks at Nolwazi.
Dad: What is the problem? I don't want
you and Ziyanda to end up fighting over
this.
Me: I'm not fighting with anyone.
Mom: Zi-
Me: No, mama. I'm not going to sit here
and have a deep conversation about
someone not wanting me in their space.
Nolwazi expressed why she doesn't want
me there and I'm not going to have a back
and forth with her about it.
I look at Nolwazi.
Me: You don't have to explain yourself.
Nolwazi: I'm sorry for offending you.
Me: I'm not offended.
Mom: Well, I'm offended on her behalf.
What did she do to you?
Nolwazi: She didn't do anything… I just
want a peaceful wedding. Ziyanda and
Derek are still dealing with their breakup.
I know how explosive things can get
between them. My wedding is too soon.
I'm not sure if things will be better
between them.
We all stare at her.
Mom: Were you planning on telling
Ziyanda?
Nolwazi: Yes, I was.
Dad: But, Dean beat you to it.
She nods.
My dad sighs and nods.
Dad: I hear you…
Zimkitha: You need to be honest, Nolwazi.
You're not being honest right now.
Nolwazi looks down.
Mom: I'm also not buying this drama
thing you're sticking to. There's an
underlying issue here.
Nolwazi’s eyes water up and she
continues looking down.
We sit in silence for a long time.
We watch as she wipes her tears.
Zimkitha: Just speak your mind, baby.
I think we've been sitting in silence for
about five minutes now.
Nolwazi eventually looks up. She looks at
me.
Nolwazi: My first marriage was honestly a
nightmare. I was with a man that
prioritised other people's needs before
mine. Kwanele never put me first. It was
always about his mother.
I don't say anything.
I already know where this is going.
Nolwazi: Dean came along and changed
my life, really. For the first time, I had
someone in my corner. I was the center of
his world. I struggled at first, but once I
was used it, my love grew for him, and my
perspective on love changed. I was finally
with a man that fought for me at all times.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: Please note that I'm not blaming
you for anything, Ziyanda. I've never said
this to you, because I don't want you to
think I'm against you.
She sighs again.
Nolwazi: I feel like Dean has been
prioritizing you quite a lot lately. I feel
like you two are inseparable and I can't
help but feel jealous. I've always known
him as a cold person, but you seem to
unlock that side of him that he rarely
shows to people.
She keeps quiet.
My mother takes a deep breath and looks
at my dad. My dad doesn't say anything.
We sit in silence for a while.
I look at Dean.
I can't read his expression.
Zimkitha clears her throat.
Zimkitha: You know, I relate to you,
Lwazi.
Zimkitha relates to everyone.
Zimkitha: Liwa and I have always been
inseparable.
She smiles lightly.
Zimkitha: When the truth came out about
him and Nomvuyo, I was beyond shocked.
After the truth came out, they became
inseparable, they could now love each
other openly.
She looks at Nolwazi.
Zimkitha: I wanted Liwa to myself, and I
don't mean this in a weird incestuous
way. He was my baby, and I wanted him
to myself. Suddenly, his life revolved
around Nomvuyo. I was envious. I
couldn't take it.
Zimkitha sighs.
Zimkitha: I felt like Nomvuyo was
providing something I couldn't give him,
which she definitely was. I mean, I'm just
his mother. The boy needed a life partner
that would meet all of his needs.
Nomvuyo did just that. She made him
happier. As envious as I was, I had to
accept their relationship, and be happy
for Liwa, because he was getting love
from another source- genuine deep love.
My child was happy.
She looks at Nolwazi softly.
Zimkitha: Yes, our situations are different.
However, I understand what you're
feeling. You feel insecure. You feel like
Ziyanda is taking Dean away from you.
I'm gobsmacked.
I'm taking Dean away from her? What the
fuck?
We sit in silence for a while.
Zimkitha: You should be happy that
Ziyanda unleashes the good side of Dean.
No one wants to be married to a cold and
mean person. You should be happy that
he is being loved. You can't be everything
to Dean. Just because you're his lover, it
doesn't mean you'll be his everything, or
you'll be the only person he needs in this
world.
Dad: Dean is the one who needs to find a
balance…
Zimkitha: Exactly. You have every right to
feel jealous, but you can't let it consume
you. You need to express it, and Dean has
to make sure that he is mindful of how he
juggles his friendships and his
relationship with you.
Dean clears his throat.
Dean: I try to include her, but she doesn't
particularly enjoy being around my group
of friends.
Dad: There’s nothing wrong with that.
Nolwazi isn't forced to be friends with
your friends.
Mom: But, she also shouldn't be
threatened by them, especially if they're
not out to get her.
My mom looks at Nolwazi.
Mom: No one is out to get you.
Zimkitha: Ziyanda, what do you have to
say?
I feel like being quiet is the best thing
right now. I don't want to end up saying
something that might offend anyone.
Dean: Nolwazi will always be the apple of
my eye.
He sighs.
Dean: Ziyanda has exposed me to a
completely different world. I was clueless
when it came to Depression. I thought it
was an illness for weak people. She
educated me. Being around her has made
me more aware of mental illnesses. The
reason I'm suddenly so open and soft, is
because I've realised that my coldness
comes from a place of unresolved issues…
She made me realise that maybe I'm not
as good as I think I am. She has helped me
do a lot of introspection.
He looks at Nolwazi.
Dean: That's not to say you're not good
enough for me. You can't compare
yourself to Ziyanda, because you both
have different experiences. I can't expect
you to educate me on mental illnesses,
because you don't have one, and your
family dynamic is different.
Nolwazi looks at him.
Dean: Ziyanda’s parents have treated me
like their son. How can I resist that? I've
never experienced a father's love. My so
called father died when I was young, and
that man wasn't invested in me.
Nolwazi doesn't say anything.
Dean: And, you can't expect me to be this
close with your father, because the man is
always on my case. Because he is so
overprotective when it comes to you, he
doesn't seem that interested in forming a
genuine father-son relationship.
He states at her.
Dean: Am I lying?
Nolwazi shakes her head.
Dean: That's why I don't spend a lot of
time with your father. That relationship is
based mostly on fear. I respect him. I just
wouldn't go to the guy to tell him about
my bad day. He's not open like that.
Nolwazi keeps quiet.
Dean: You will always have my heart,
Nolwazi. I don't give a shit who I meet
along the way, but you will always be my
priority. Just because I've formed a deep
friendship with Ziyanda, it doesn't mean I
think less of you. You've opened up my
heart and enabled me to love. You know
how I was when we first met. I wouldn't
have committed myself to you if I felt like
you're not good enough for me. However,
like Zimkitha said, I can't expect you to be
my everything. That's unrealistic. That's
what I also learnt from Ziyanda and
Derek. You can't be someone's
everything- it is impossible. There are
some things I can't fulfill for you, but
there are other people in your life who
can fulfill those things.
Nolwazi sighs
Nolwazi: I'd like a minute with Dean and
Ziyanda, if you don't mind.
Dad: It's okay.
Zimkitha and my parents stand.
Mom: Maybe we should also go to
Vilakazi.
Zimkitha laughs as they walk out.
Nolwazi takes a deep breath and looks at
me.
Nolwazi: I'm sorry. I don't say anything.
She then looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: I'm not happy with how you put
me under the bus.
Dean: I fucked up. I'm not going to make
excuses. I fucked up, and I'm sorry.
Nolwazi sighs heavily and looks at me
Nolwazi: I think I was too consumed by
envy, that I dismissed the positive impact
you've had on Dean.
She continues looking at me.
Nolwazi: I know you're not a malicious
person. However, my jealousy consumed
me.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I'm actually glad that it's out in
the open, because I don't know what I
would have done in the future. It's clear
that I was on a path of destruction. I
didn't even think about how hurtful it
would be to suddenly exclude you from
my wedding.
She looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: I'm owning my insecurity. A lot
of elements have contributed to it, but I'm
owning it. I don't want to be consumed by
jealousy. It's a negative emotion that can
drive one crazy. I was even starting to
make up theories in my head…
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I know you would never hurt me
intentionally. You love me, I know this… I
just need to learn that we can't be each
other's everything, like you've said.
Dean: I'm sorry for exposing you. I fucked
up.
Nolwazi: I know how you get when you're
passionate about something. I know you
weren't trying to sell me out.
Dean: I'd never do such. I love you.
Nolwazi smiles lightly.
Dean: Do you forgive me?
She nods.
Dean: I'll try to find a balance. I'll find a
way to make all the people in my life feel
valued, especially you.
Nolwazi nods.
Dean leans closer to her and they share a
kiss.
Nolwazi: I'm sorry for not being truthful. I
was scared of how it would be received.
Dean: You did good. See why I love this
side of the world? These people are on
another level.
She chuckles and nods.
They eventually remember that I'm in the
room.
They stare at me.
Nolwazi: I'm not expecting you to
understand or be best friends with me. I
apologize for not being honest, and for
punishing you for my insecurities.
I nod.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: You're more than welcome to
come to the wedding…
She stands.
Nolwazi: I need the bathroom. I'm
pressed.
She walks away.
Dean stares at me.
Dean: I hope you're telling that little evil
spirit that lives in you to back off. I know
it's probably telling you to stay angry and
not forgive Lwazi.
I don't say anything.
Dean: Ziyanda, I'm talking to you.
Just then, we hear footsteps and my
parents and Zimkitha walk in.
Dad: Are we all good?
Dean: No. Ziyanda has started. She's all
quiet again.
Mom: Leave my child alone.
Nolwazi comes back and sits.
Dad: How are you, Lwazi?
Nolwazi: I'm okay. I think the appropriate
thing to do at this point is give Ziyanda
her space. I'm truly sorry for being
indirect.
Dad: Alright, sisi. We all make mistakes.
I'm happy that everyone is starting to
acknowledge their role in the mess.
Thank you for coming.
Nolwazi smiles.
Nolwazi: Nisale kahle.
Mom: Bye, sisi.
Zimkitha: You should drop me off at
home. I'm sure Liwa and Vuvu are having
a good time.
Nolwazi: No problem.
Dad: I'll walk you out…
My dad, Nolwazi and Zimkitha walk out.
Dean stands.
Dean: Bye, ma.
Mom: Bye bye, Dean.
He looks at me.
Dean: Bye, Zi.
Me: Shap.
He walks out and we hear the door close.
My mom stands and sighs.
Mom: Let's put back these chairs, baby.
I stand and help her tidy up the place.

INSERT 239
It's now Wednesday.
Derek and I are supposed to see Melinda.
To be honest, I'm not in the mood,
especially after the unnecessary meeting
that took place a few days ago.
I get a video call from Derek.
Me: Derek.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Can’t we postpone?
Derek: Hai, why?
Me: I feel like I've had enough deep
conversations for now.
Derek: Yazi, you're testing me.
I sulk.
Me: I'm tired. I think we should postpone
it, so I can be nice and fresh when we
meet with her.
Derek: Kodwa Ziyanda…
Me: Please, D… I’m really exhausted.
There’s been too much talking lately.
Derek: You want space?
Me: No, actually.
He looks at me in shock.
Derek: I don’t think I heard you properly.
I chuckle.
Me: I don’t want space. I just don’t want to
talk about deep stuff.
Derek: Uhm… I’m in the office right now.
Me: I’ll come to you..
He smiles.
Derek: Are you serious?
Me: Yes, Derek.
Derek: Yaaas!
I laugh.
Me: See you soon.
Derek: Love you.
Me: That’s sweet.
Derek: Ye wena Ziyanda.
I chuckle.
Me: I love you too.
I hang up and get ready.
My parents have given me more than
enough personal space. I’m so glad that
they’re not on my case right now.
Anyway, I get ready to leave…
***
I make my way to Derek’s office, and find
him talking to Andile.
Andile looks at me in disbelief.
Me: Hello, good people.
Andile: It’s been a while.
Me: How are you?
We share a hug.
Andile: Good and you?
Me: I’m okay, thanks.
Andile: Ok-
Me: Don’t tell me that okay is not a
feeling.
He chuckles.
I look at Derek and he is smiling.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Don’t I get a hug?
I shake my head.
Me: You have to work for it.
Andile: That’s my cue to leave…
He walks out and closes the door.
Derek stands and walks towards me with
a grin on his face.
Derek: Hug, please?
I shake my head.
Derek: Baby, come on.
I open up my arms and we share a long
hug.
Derek: I’ve missed you.
Me: Thanks.
Derek: Ngathi uzongidina.
I laugh and we sit.
Me: How are you?
Derek: I’m okay.
He looks at me carefully.
Me: And then?
Derek: How are you?
Me: I’m also okay.
He clears his throat.
Derek: Dean told me what happened after
we left.
Me: Okay.
He continues looking at me carefully.
Derek: How are you, really?
Me: I’m really not in the mood.
Derek: Are you shutting that situation
out?
I shake my head.
Me: I just don’t want to make it a thing.
Nolwazi stated her case and she
apologised. I’m keeping it moving.
Derek: Are you, really?
I nod.
Me: Derek, I don’t have the energy to take
this shit personally. I’m letting it go.
Derek: Something tells me you don’t
mean that.
Me: Haike, that’s none of my business.
Derek: Have you spoken to Dean?
Me: About what?
Derek: Ziyanda, come on.
Me: There’s nothing to talk about. What
needs to happen is a reevaluation of our
relationship. I can’t have people blaming
me for the downfalls of their
relationships.
Derek: Can I give you some advice? I roll
my eyes.
Derek: I’m being serious, Ziyanda.
He stares at me seriously.
Derek: Don’t blame yourself for the way
Nolwazi is feeling. Her insecurity has
nothing to do with you. She obviously has
shit she needs to deal with. I hope you
didn’t take her words personally.
I don’t say anything, I just look at him
blankly.
Derek: Okay. You’re really not in the
mood to discuss this.
Me: Exactly!
He chuckles.
Derek: Anyway, the wedding venue has
been confirmed. Zimkitha offered her
mansion.
Me: That’s nice.
Derek: You are going to the wedding,
right?
Me: Sorry… I suddenly can’t hear you.
He laughs.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Derek, you’re doing the most right
now.
He groans.
Just then, I get a call from Nomvuyo.
I answer the call.
Me: Vuvz.
Nomvuyo: Lover, ukuphi? Let’s do lunch.
Me: Isn’t it Liwa’s Day today? She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Futsek wena.
Me: I’m with Derek.
Nomvuyo: Is it Derek’s Day today?
Me: He’s annoying me…
I look at him and he pouts.
Mee: But, yes, it’s Derek’s Day today.
Nomvuyo: Argh, I shouldn’t have gotten
you two back together.
I laugh.
Me: It’s not like your work is done. We
still have a long way to go.
Nomvuyo: Hai suka.
Me: We can meet tomorrow.
Nomvuyo: I can’t.
Me: Mxm.
Nomvuyo: Nolwazi is hosting a luncheon
and she asked me to come. She literally
invited me yesterday, athi she wasn’t
planning on doing a get together, but her
friends changed her mind. I’m about to
call her now to decline.
Me: Haibo, Vuvu, why?
Nomvuyo: She thinks she’s obliged to
invite me, that time I’m okay with not
being invited. It’s not like we’re best
friends.
Me: Yoh.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, Liwa and I have a
therapy session tomorrow, and it can get
quite draining. I don’t think I’ll be good
company if I pitch.
Me: Hmm.
Nomvuyo: I’m sure you’re going.
Me: Kuphi? She laughs.
Nomvuyo: You weren’t invited?
Me: No.
She continues laughing.
Me: Angazi uhlekani.
Nomvuyo: I’m finding this little drama
very cute.
Me: Mxm.
Nomvuyo: I find it ironic that the person
who was trying to avoid drama by all
means is finding herself knee-deep in
drama. Ku-tough emhlabeni.
Me: You’re too spicy for my liking.
Nomvuyo: Heyii futhi I should keep my
mouth shut! Next thing you decide to
Dean me, and expose our goss-goss.
Me: Vuvu!
She laughs.
Me: Is Deaning a thing now?
Nomvuyo: Definitely. Deaning is a real
thing! If you look up Dean in the
dictionary, you’ll see that it’s synonyms
include snitch, rat and informant.
I find myself laughing.
Me: You’re stupid.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, enjoy your afternoon
with that sulky baby of yours. Tell him I
love him.
Me: Shap.
Nomvuyo: Actually, don’t tell him I love
him. Next thing he professes his love for
me and we spend some time together, and
I snatch him from you, bestie boo.
Me: Nomvuyo Mzinyathi!
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: I kid. I kid.
She continues laughing.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, I’ll see you around.
Me: Shap.
Nomvuyo: Bye, baby.
Me: Bye.
I end the call and sigh in defeat.
Me: You think I’m shady? Nomvuyo is on
another level.
Derek: I can only imagine what she was
saying…
I look at him seriously.
Me: Are you threatened by my
relationship with Dean?
Derek: Nope.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: I’ve never felt like he was taking
you away from me. I’m actually glad that
you’re close with him, because he’s my
person as well… I don’t see your
relationship as a negative thing.
I nod lightly.
Derek: I’m not insecure when it comes to
other men being around you. I trust you
when it comes to such. My insecurity
stems from me feeling like I’m losing you
because of my actions. It has nothing to
do with other people.
Me: Interesting… So, you trust me?
Derek: Definitely.
He chuckles.
Derek: Also, you and Dean would never
make a good couple. You’re too much
alike. There would be no balance there. At
least we complement each other.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: Dean really loves Nolwazi. He’s
just excited about your friendship right
now. You two are in the honeymoon
phase… a very long honeymoon phase…
I chuckle.
Me: Hmm, I don’t know why my heart just
skipped a beat when you mentioned that
you trust me…
He smiles.
Derek: If we started dating when I was
younger, I would have been on your case
about other men. However, I grew up and
realised that those insecurities had
nothing to do with other people. They had
to do with how I saw myself…
He sighs.
Derek: I may be fucked up right now, but I
think highly of myself and I don’t allow
myself, anymore, to feel inadequate when
I’m in a relationship.
I nod.
Me: So, right now, your insecurity stems
from feeling like you’re losing me because
you can’t get through to me?
He nods.
Derek: My issue is not the fact that you
have other friendships outside our
relationship. I know I’m good enough for
you. I just get frustrated when we bump
heads, because of our stubbornness.
I nod.
Me: Interesting.
Derek: Are you insecure about our
relationship?
Me: I have my moments, but I also think
I’m good enough for you. But, let a bitch
try me though…
He laughs.
Derek: Don’t you think Nolwazi also feels
like that?
I shrug.
Me: Her issue is clearly deeper. I’m not
going to analyse her situation.
Derek: But, can you empathise with her? I
mean, you also don’t want women
throwing themselves at me.
Me: So, are you saying that I throw myself
at Dean?
Derek: No. Hyperbole, baby. Google it.
He chuckles.
Me: My issue is not with Nolwazi being
insecure. My issue is with Nolwazi not
telling me from the get go that she is
uncomfortable with my relationship with
Dean. Had she told me, I would definitely
be mindful. You think every time I’m with
Dean, at the back of mind, I’m trying to
make Nolwazi feel jealous?
He shakes his head.
Me: I’m all about speaking my mind. Had
it been me in her shoes, I would have
opened up earlier, instead of letting it get
to this point.
He nods lightly.
Me: I’m a woman. I know how isolating it
feels to be with someone you think you’re
not good enough for. However, I’ve never
been one to keep quiet. I was very honest
about my insecurities when I was with
the worm. It annoyed him. I ended up
realising that he’s just a piece of shit,
because really didn’t he care about me. He
did it on purpose, whereas Dean and I are
not out to get Nolwazi. We all know that
Dean loves Nolwazi. He wouldn't hurt her
intentionally, none of us would.
I sigh.
Me: That whole thing with Nolwazi just
left a bitter taste in my mouth. I’m still
trying to figure out how I feel… I don’t
appreciate how she made me look, all
because she was hiding her true feelings.
I’m actually quite hurt by her actions. I
thought we were cool. I just don’t
understand why she was all close and
personal with me while she was
harbouring all these feelings. She could
have easily talked to me, and made me
understand her situation. How the heck
was I supposed to know the true damage
her previous marriage caused? So, on top
of being a drama queen, I’m a sangoma
now? I must predict what people are
feeling?
He chuckles.
Me: I don’t want to talk about this. The
reason I was quiet throughout that
meeting was because I didn’t want to
seem insensitive. I’m really hurt by
Nolwazi. I didn’t expect this from her.
Derek: You should talk to her, baby.
Me: Not now. I’m still trying to gather my
thoughts. I don’t want to talk to her when
I’m emotional, because I know I’ll end up
saying something I’ll regret.
Derek: Well, that’s a mature thing to do.
I chuckle.
Me: Like I said, I’m trying to go back to the
sane version of myself…
Derek: Is it an appropriate time to be
turned on?
Me: Euww!
Just then, my phone rings.
Me: Speak of the devil…
I answer.
Me: Hello.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hi.
Nolwazi: Uhm, how are you?
Me: I’m okay, thanks.
She clears her throat.
Nolwazi: I would like to invite you to my
luncheon tomorrow.
I don’t say anything.
She also keeps quiet.
Me: I have a session with Melinda
tomorrow afternoon.
Nolwazi: Oh… alright then.
Me: Thanks.
Nolwazi: Zi, listen…
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I’d like to meet with you. I’d like
to speak to you alone.
Me: Hmkay.
Nolwazi: Please text me when you’re
free…
Me: Cool.
Nolwazi: Bye then.
Me: Bye.
I end the call.
I look at Derek.
Me: I don’t know about you, but I need
Jeff’s weed right now…

INSERT 240
The following day, Nomvuyo, Niki and I
decide to have dinner. I was supposed
meet up with Niki, but Nomvuyo decided
to join us.
Niki: Manje everyone in your circle is
seeing a therapist?
Nomvuyo: Heyi, kunzima. We're out here
struggling.
Niki: You guys are a weird bunch.
Nomvuyo: Have you told Niki about your
drama with Nolwazi?
Me: You're just enjoying this, aren't you?
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: My life is boring. It's not like I
have something better to do.
Niki: Is this about the wedding thing?
Nomvuyo: Yep.
Niki: Zi shouldn't go to that wedding. In
fact, she should stay away from everyone,
ngoba there's always something
happening. Your group is weird. I roll my
eyes.
Niki: Futhi you mustn't invite Nolwazi to
your wedding nawe. Phela I'll be there
with Kwanele. Nathi we don't want her to
bring drama. Angithi she seems to think
exes can't be amicable. So, wena noDerek
you're stupid nje according to her. You
are going to get to that wedding and just
act like little kids, fight while the priest is
speaking…
Me: Stop being ridiculous.
Niki: I find it laughable that you'd ask the
person you're secretly against to plan
your wedding, and then turn around and
not invite them. Like, where is the
consistency?
I groan.
Niki: You shouldn't go to that wedding.
She doesn't want you there. Futhi Mdu’s
annoying ass will be there as well.
Nomvuyo: Hai phela don't come for Mdu.
That's my baby.
Niki: Nawe you're an inconsistent bitch.
You're best friends with Mdu and Ivy, yet
you don't like Nolwazi. Are you dizzy?
Nomvuyo: Nolwazi is best friends with
my husband’s ex, and she knows what Sly
has been doing…
I look at her in shock.
Me: What has Sly been doing?
Nomvuyo: She has been calling Liwa,
trying to meet up with him. She's been
doing this for a very long time...
Me: What??
Nomvuyo: Nolwazi is loyal to her home
wrecking friend, so why should I even
bother being friends with her? She knows
Sly’s shady motives. She loves acting like
she values principles, yet she condones
her friend’s nonsense. How do I build a
friendship with someone like that? Futhi
ku-worse ngoba it's clear that Sly is still
trying to get Liwa.
Me: Whoa.
Nomvuyo: We are all fucked up
individuals, but at least we own up to our
nonsense. She must also stop using her
previous marriage as a crutch. At least we
are all getting help for our nonsense…
Yena she's going to be a bruised divorcee
till when? That narrative is getting old.
She must get help, and stop making
excuses for her insecurities. I'm
speechless.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, you shouldn't feel
guilty wena Zi. She loves preaching ukuthi
yena she's a straight talker and she keeps
it real, but her pretentious ass smiled to
your face, let you plan her wedding, and
then turned around and said you're
taking her husband away from her? Why
didn't her straight talking self be honest
from the get go? Hai suka.
Niki: I'm sure nami uyangizonda.
She sighs.
Niki: Anyway, I'm not going to allow you
to take blame for Dean loving you. You
can't change who you are just to
accommodate insecure people. If she told
you earlier, nathi we wouldn't be this
hostile and insensitive. I'm finding it very
difficult to be empathetic.
I sigh.
Me: I love you two, but right now, I don't
need this negativity. Nani you're giving
me stress. Can we drop this topic and stop
being gossip mongers? I don't have the
energy.
Niki: Okay, Miss Goody.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, let's talk about your
wedding, Zi… Can I be your planner? I
promise I won't cause drama.
Me: Argh.
They laugh.
These two are very naughty.
I know they're trying to have my back, but
they're doing the most.
***
So, I'm done getting dressed.
I didn't tell anyone where I’m going.
Derek doesn't know.
Nomvuyo doesn't know.
Nikki doesn't know.
My mom doesn't know. … I'm going to
Nolwazi’s luncheon…
Petty seems to have resurfaced.
I texted Nolwazi, telling her that Derek
cancelled our session, so I was available...
As I get out of room, my mom looks at me
in shock.
Mom: And then?
Me: I have a date.
She looks at me in shock.
Me: Just kidding. I'm meeting up with
Vuvz.
Mom: Oh, alright.
Me: Shap. My Uber is here.
Mom: Bye, baby.
I make my way out.
***
Thankfully, as I get out of the Uber,
another car is driving in. I walk in while
the gate is open.
I guess this is one of Nolwazi’s friends.
I don't know her.
I decide to just walk to the front door.
I ring the bell for a while, but no one
answers.
I open the door and get in.
It's clear that everyone is on the other
side of the yard.
As I walk in the house, I can hear laughter
coming from outside.
I snap out of it.
Lol, what am I doing here? Haibo, Petty,
what are you doing to me?
Let me go back home.
I turn and start walking.
Nomi: Ziiiiii!
Damn shit.
I turn and look at Nomi as she runs to me.
She gives me a tight hug and giggles.
Nomi: What the hell are you doing here??
You're like the number one enemy. You
have some guts coming here.
Me: I am?
She laughs.
She's tipsy, as usual.
Nomi: I've missed you so much! I miss our
fun nights out!
She giggles as she stares at my eye.
Nomi: Remember that idiot that punched
you?
Me: How could I forget…
She laughs and grabs my arm.
Nomi: Let's go!
Me: Uhm, I was actually here for De-
Nomi: No, silly!
She's awfully strong for a drunkard.
Me: Nomi-
Nomi: Don't worry. I'll have your back.
I feel like everything is moving too fast.
I was never ready for this. Next thing I
know, we’re outside, and everyone is
staring at us.
I have no idea who these people are. The
only people I recognize are Sly, Nandi and
Nolwazi.
Nomi: Guess who finally decided to join
us! The Great Ziyanda!
Something about the way she says that…
I honestly can't help but chuckle in
disbelief. I surprise myself sometimes.
Nomi has also given me some insight, as
tipsy as she is.
But, I'm here on a mission.
A very petty and necessary mission.
INSERT 241
Nomi leads me to the table.
The tension is shocking.
Nomi: The Great Ziyanda is here!
Nandi: Ziyanda!
She stands and smiles very warmly, but at
this point, I'm not even sure if it's sincere.
We share a hug.
Nandi: How are you? It's been so long!
Me: I'm good.
Nolwazi clears her throat and smiles.
She's clearly confused and shocked, but
trying her best to hide it.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
Me: Hello, Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: Are you good?
Me: I'm surviving.
Nolwazi: Uhm, alright… I'll get you an
extra ch-
Nomi: She can sit next to me. There's
space.
Me: I sent you a message letting you know
that I was coming.
Nolwazi: I must have missed it.
I don't say anything.
I look around. Lol, if eyes could kill, my
ass would be dead.
Nomi: Guys, this is Ziyanda. I love calling
her Zi.
There are about 8 women sitting, and I
only know 2 of them, Sly and Nandi.
Nomi: Zi, these are Nolwazi’s friends. You
know Sly angithi? She's my friend as well.
I look at Sly.
She looks at me with a smirk.
Sly: Unjani, Ziyanda?
Me: I'm okay.
I smile lightly.
I don't understand why there's so much
tension. Surely these people don't hate
me that much?
Nomi: You can sit. What would you like to
drink? Champ-champ?
Me: I'll have water, thanks.
I need to stay sober here. I can't have
people catching me while I weak from
alcohol.
I sit.
I'm sitting next to someone I don't know.
She looks at me softly.
Her: Hi, I'm Thuli.
Me: Hey.
She isn't giving me bad vibes, like the
others, who have started having their
own conversations.
Thuli: We've heard a lot about you.
Me: Really? I hope it's nothing bad.
She laughs sweetly.
Thuli: No, nothing bad.
Me: Hmkay.
Nomi gives me a glass of water.
Nomi: I want to sit next to her. Thuli, go
sit next to Sly!
Thuli tightens her jaw.
Nomi: I know you hate each other… I just
want to sit next to Zi. We have a lot of
catching up!
Nolwazi: Kodwa, Nomi, leave Thuli alone.
Thuli: I'm going to end up slapping her
again. Tell her to back off.
Oh okay then. Thuli is my typa girl.
Nomi: I don't understand why you have to
be so mean.
How old is Nomi?
Thuli grunts and looks at me.
Thuli: She is the baby of the group. She
gets whatever she wants.
Me: Hmm, sounds like me.
Thuli chuckles and stands.
Thuli: Come sit, Nomthandazo.
Nomi comes and sits next to me. I kinda
wanted to get to know Thuli more, but
Nomi’s fine. At least she'll Dean on her
friends.
Nomi: So, how have you been?
Me: I've been okay, Nomz. How are you?
Nomi: Did I tell you that I met up with
Andile?
I raise an eyebrow.
Me: Really??
She nods.
Nomi: I wanted to know what he's
problem is.
Lord.
Nomi: I don't take rejection well. I always
get what I want.
Me: Manje what happened?
Nomi: He said he's into someone else…
Me: Really?
She nods.
Nomi: He got all dramatic and aggressive
when I asked him about the girl. I wanted
to know what she has that I don't.
Me: Nomi, that's a bit intense.
She giggles.
Nomi: I just wanted to know.
Me: Did he tell you?
She shrugs.
Nomi: He ended up leaving me there- the
son of a bitch.
She laughs and drinks her champagne.
Nomi: I don't like him anymore.
Me: Really?
She sighs.
Nomi: You have to hook me up with
someone else, Zi.
Me: You want a man?
Nomi: I mean, I'm not into commitment. I
just want someone who'll take care of me
when I'm drunk, and fuck me on a regular
basis, you know?
I laugh.
Nomi: I don't want something as serious
as what you and Nolwazi have. I don't
want to deal with all your drama.
Me: Drama? We don't have drama.
Nomi: Hai, there's too much drama when
you're in love.
I sigh.
Me: You're right.
Nomi: I mean, look, Nolwazi and you are
beefing over her man loving you too
much. It's just a lot.
Lord.
Me: Who says we're beefing?
Nomi: Well…
She looks around the table…
Haike.
She pours herself more champagne.
I need to pee.
Just then, Dean walks towards the table.
Dean: Lwazi, your mom says you should
call her…
Nolwazi: Oh, is everything okay?
Dean: I think she wants to ask about the
reception.
Sly: I told her we're sorted mos. Dean
shrugs.
Nomi: What's wrong? Is it the decor lady?
Dean looks at Nomi and his eyes land on
me.
Dean: Hawu...
He stares at me. I haven't seen or spoken
to him since the meeting.
Dean: Ziyanda?
Me: Hello, Dean.
Now, everyone is staring at me. Mxm,
these people are legit making me feel like
a mistress now.
Kanti what did Nolwazi tell them?
Dean looks at Nolwazi.
Dean: I thought you said she's not coming.
Nolwazi doesn't say anything.
Dean looks at me again.
Dean: How are you?
Me: I'm okay.
Nomi: This is awk-
Nolwazi: I'll go call my mom.
She stands and walks away.
Yazi, Nolwazi has changed in my eyes.
She's no longer the person I thought I
knew.
Dean is still staring at me, and I feel like
he has a lot to say.
I clear my throat and stand.
Me: Excuse me…
A bitch needs to pee.
Sly: Uyaphi, Ziyanda?
Me: I didn't know I had to ask for your
permission to go pee, Sly… Would you like
to show me the bathroom as well?
I don't even look at her.
I go inside the house and make my way to
the bathroom.
I pee and sit there for a while.
So, it's clear that Nolwazi has told her
friends about me. Listen, I don't have a
problem with that, because that's what
friends are for- they listen to us. My only
issue at this point is that people seem to
think I want Dean to myself. Nolwazi has
made it seem like I'm a bad person. It's
either she's the one who's feeding her
friends this nonsense, or she has allowed
her friends to feed her this nonsense.
Either way, Nolwazi is looking very shady
right now.
I make my way out.
Thank God Dean is not here anymore.
One of the women is staring at me very
intensely.
Lol, you know when you're loyal to your
friend, and you're just ready to fight for
her? That's what's going on right now.
People are ready to handle me.
I sit.
Nomi is no longer next to me, I have no
idea where she is.
Nolwazi eventually comes back.
Nolwazi: I'd like to thank everyone for
coming. The food is ready…
She smiles.
Sly: Friend, you must be so excited that
you're finally marrying the man of your
drea-
I literally squeal when I see Nomvuyo
walking towards us with Dean.
Nolwazi is so shook. I can't help but laugh
to myself.
Why did she invite us if she didn't want us
here?
Nomvuyo: Sanibonani. My apologies for
being tardy. She gives Nolwazi a gift bag.
Lol, I could kiss her beautiful ass right
now. These uptight bitches were starting
to annoy me.
Nolwazi: Thank you.
Nomvuyo: You're welcome. I hope I didn't
miss anything.
She looks at Dean.
Nomvuyo: You can go back to work wena.
Dean chuckles and walks back in the
house.
Nomvuyo looks at me and smiles. She
then walks to where I am and sits next to
me. Nomi tries to say something, but
stops herself.
I stare at Sly.
She looks like she's ready to vomit.
Nomvuyo: Sly, you can continue
speaking… I apologize for disturbing your
speech.
Sly: It wasn't a speech.
Nomvuyo nudges me under the table and
I chuckle quietly.
Sly: Anyway, Lwazi… I'm sure I speak for
everyone here when I say you deserve all
the love you're getting from Dean.
Nolwazi is trying by all means to hide
how uncomfortable she is, but I see right
through her.
Nolwazi: Thank you, friend.
Sly: We all have speeches. I hope no one
will be weeping, because you know I hate
cry babies.
They all laugh.
Nomvuyo and I glance at each other.
She takes me glass of water and chuckles.
Nolwazi: The food is ready now. I've
asked them to set up inside the house.
Everyone stands and they all make their
way inside the house.
Nomvuyo: And then? What the hell are
you doing here?
Me: The Universe led me here.
She laughs.
Me: Nomi has already Deaned on all of
them.
She continues laughing.
Nomvuyo: Let's go get our food and have
some fun.
We stand and make our way inside as
well.

INSERT 242
We're now back outside, eating.
Everyone is chatting.
Thuli: Nomthandazo, you haven't told me
about this guy you've been pursuing.
Everyone looks at Nomi.
Nomi: He doesn't want me.
Nomi decided to ask the other woman
who was sitting next to me to move, so
she could sit next to me. I'm between a
tipsy Nomi and a very spicy Vuvu.
Thuli: What do you mean he doesn't want
you? He must be crazy!
Nomi: Zi tried to hook us up.
Thuli looks at me.
Thuli: Why doesn't he want my friend?
Me: He doesn't want to be in a
relationship.
Thuli: Hawu, Nomi doesn't want a
relationship as well. Maybe I should meet
this guy and slap some sense into him.
Nomi giggles.
Sly: Mxm, Nomi is better off without him.
I'm sure he wasn't that great anyway.
Me: He is quite the catch actually-
educated, financially stable, great
personality.
Sly: You seem to know quite a lot about
him.
Me: Why would I hook Nomi up with
someone I don't know?
Sly: Kuyafana, I'm sure you didn't miss
out on anything wena Nomz.
Nomvuyo: You don't have to discredit the
guy just to make Nomi feel better.
Nomvuyo glances at Nomi softly.
Nomvuyo: I'm sure we've all been
rejected by men. It's not the end of the
world… You'll find someone who will
want to be with you.
Nomi smiles.
Nomi: Thank you.
Sly probably wants to do things to
Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: That's the problem with some
women. You think you're entitled to
someone's love and adoration.
Whoa. I feel like she's shaking the table.
Thuli: We all think we're special. We all
think we're better than the next woman.
Nomvuyo: But, in reality, no one is that
special. Siyafana sonke. You can't really
brag about your degrees, because there's
another woman around the corner who is
doing her PhD. You can't even brag about
your beauty, because I guarantee you that
your beauty will not stop time, and there
are other beautiful women. You can't brag
about your sense of humor, because
there's another funny bitch close by.
Whoa.
Everyone is staring at her.
Thuli: You don't have to be so honest.
Nomvuyo chuckles and Thuli joins her.
Nomvuyo: I'm just saying…
Thuli: You are absolutely right.
I think I like Thuli.
Nomvuyo: Wena Nomi, don’t worry. You'll
find someone. You don't have to
badmouth the guy just because he's not
into you.
Nomi: Thanks, Vuvz.
Nolwazi is not fine. It's clear that she's
uncomfortable. Now, as petty as I am, I'm
still quite hurt by this whole thing.
I watch as she stands and walks away.
I excuse myself and follow her.
I walk in the house and find her in the
sitting room.
Me: Lwazi?
She looks at me and doesn't say anything.
I walk in.
She takes a deep breath and looks away.
She's tearing up.
Nolwazi: I need a moment.
I nod and keep quiet.
We stand there for a long time in silence.
Eventually, she clears her throat and
looks at me.
Me: I know we're not super close, but I
considered you a friend.
She doesn't say anything.
Me: I'm very honest when it comes to my
feelings. I came here thinking I'd be petty,
but I can’t allow myself to, because I
thought we formed a good friendship…
Nolwazi: We did.
Me: So, why didn’t you tell me that my
relationship with Dean affected you?
When did this start? She sighs.
Me: I am confused.
Nolwazi: I don’t know…
Me: Do you really think I’m a bad person,
and that I was trying to hurt you by being
friends with Dean?
She looks at me pleadingly.
Me: I just want to know. Right now, you
and your friends look shady to me. You
look like you’ve never liked me… Were
you pretending this whole time?
Nolwazi: No.
I keep quiet.
Nolwazi: Zi, this whole thing has gotten
out of control.
I don’t say anything.
Nolwazi: I feel like it has been blown out
of proportion, and now I can’t fix it.
Me: Has it really been blown out of
proportion, or you just can’t handle the
fact that your true feelings are out there?
She sighs.
Nolwazi: A bit of both…
I don’t say anything.
Nolwazi: I don’t hate you, Zi. I’ve never
hated you.
Me: I don’t like the vibe I’m getting here.
She groans.
Just then, someone clears their throat and
we turn.
Sly: Is everything okay?
Nolwazi: Yes, Slindile.
Sly stares at me.
Nolwazi: Just give us some privacy.
Sly walks away.
Nolwazi looks at me.
Me: What did you say to your friends?
Nolwazi: I told them how I felt… They just
took it badly.
Me: They think I’m a homewrecker. It
doesn’t take rocket science to figure that
out.
She groans.
Nolwazi: They made their own
conclusions.
Me: Manje why didn’t you clarify?
She sighs.
Nolwazi: This was never my goal. I’m not
a spiteful person, Ziyanda. I know I look
bad, but I’m not cruel.
I sigh.
Me: How are we going to move forward? I
don’t want any awkwardness between us,
because I think we both know that Dean
won’t take it well.
Nolwazi: You’re his little sister. I can’t
expect you to vanish. I don’t want you to
vanish.
Me: I feel like things will never be the
same now. I just want to make sure that
we’re not disrespecting each other.
Nolwazi: I’ll talk to my friends.
I nod lightly.
Nolwazi: Zi, I appreciate everything
you’ve done for me. I hope you know that.
Me: Right now, I’m not too sure. I’m not
even going to lie and say I’m not hurt.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry.
Me: Let’s go back outside, before your
friends come looking for you.
Nolwazi nods lightly. We walk out.
When we get to the table, all eyes are on
us.
I sit between Nomi and Vuvu.
Nomvuyo looks at me softly.
Nomvuyo: You good?
I nod.
Nomi gets closer to my ear.
Nomi: I think I like Vuvu. I was scared of
her at first.
Me: She’s really cool.
She nods excitedly as she sips her
champagne.
Sly: I just feel like some women
overestimate their value in their men’s
lives.
Okay, they are obviously having a deep
conversation.
Thuli: What do you mean?
Sly: It goes back to what Nomvuyo said. A
woman will think she’s special just
because she is married.
Nomvuyo: If a man chooses to marry you,
then as a woman, you have every right to
think you’re important in his life, after all
you chose each other. Marriage is a
completely different story, but you
obviously wouldn’t know, Slindile.
Nomvuyo is on another level.
Sly: I can get any man I want.
Nomvuyo: That’s where you’re mistaken.
Not every man is looking for a whore to
bang.
Sly stands and everyone exclaims.
Sly: I am getting tired of your subliminal
shots!
Nomvuyo: Really? What are you going to
do about it?
Nomvuyo looks at Sly cooly, and pours
herself some champagne.
Nomvuyo: I find it funny that you walk
around with your head held high, stating
that you can get any man that you want,
yet none of these men actually stay with
you… You’re a whore, that’s what you are.
Sly: You think you’re better than me??
Nomvuyo: Of course, I’m better than you. I
don’t pride myself in intentionally hurting
other women by inserting myself in their
relationships. I may be a lot of things, but
I’m no call girl.
I don’t know what’s happening.
How did we get here??
Nomvuyo: Don’t be fooled. You don’t
scare me one bit.
Nomvuyo looks around the table.
Nomvuyo: You are all so stupid. You’re
busy crucifying a girl you don’t know for
being friends with Dean, while you’re
busy entertaining your friend, who’s the
shadiest person here. I’m sure she has
fucked all your men.
Sly storms off and they all follow her
expect for Thuli, Nomi and Nandi.
Nomvuyo looks at Nolwazi.
Nomvuyo: You really need to reevaluate
your friends. Why would you allow them
to influence you to this extent?
Nolwazi sighs.
Nomvuyo: This whole thing could have
been resolved a long time ago, but clearly
your friends filled your head with
nonsense. Why would you even take
advice from a homewrecker? She used
your insecurities against you.
Thuli: Thank you! I have been saying the
same thing for years now!
Nandi: Sly is a homewrecker??
Thuli: She sees nothing wrong with taking
other people’s men.
Nomi: Guys, are we turning against Sly
now? I thought Zi was the enemy?
Nomi though.
I try not to laugh.
Thuli: Listen, Zi, we don’t know what the
hell is going on with you and Nolwazi. All
we know is that you’re a bad person…
Nomi: Zi is not a bad person.
Thuli: Sly painted a very different picture
of her.
Nomvuyo: Nolwazi, you allowed your
friend to drag Ziyanda’s name?
Thuli: No one can stop Slindile.
Nomvuyo shakes her head and continues
looking at Nolwazi.
Nomvuyo: The same Ziyanda that risked
her own relationship just to save yours?
Surely we’re talking about a different
person, because Ziyanda has never tried
to hurt you. I don’t care how insecure you
are, but you cannot crucify innocent
people just because you think the world is
against you. Just like the rest of us, do
some introspection and work on
yourself…
Nolwazi looks like she’s going through the
most,
Thuli: Maybe it’s time to see Sly for what
she truly is... She did the same thing with
me when Nolwazi got her divorce. She
made it seem like I was shady for being
friends with Kwanele. Suddenly, I also
contributed to their divorce. She made me
look like a fucked up friend, and she filled
Nolwazi’s head with nonsense.
Nolwazi doesn’t say anything.
Thuli: Maybe it’s time to really think
about how we influence each other as
friends. We’re supposed to support each
other, listen to each other, and tell each
other when we fuck up. We haven’t been
doing that…
Nomvuyo stands.
Nomvuyo: That’s something you have to
figure out as friends. Zi and I are not
involved.
Nomvuyo looks at me.
Nomvuyo: Let’s go, baby.
She takes our bags.
Nomi: Guys, where are you going?
Nomvuyo gives me my bag and looks at
Nolwazi.
Nomvuyo: Stop acting like a bruised
puppy, and do the right thing. We are too
old to be dealing with friends that don’t
want the best for us.
She walks away.
Thuli: Is that Liwa’s wife?
I nod.
Thuli: I think I have a crush on her
I chuckle.
Thuli sighs.
I suddenly feel sorry for Nolwazi.
It’s very clear that she was influenced. Sly
planted a seed in her mind and that shit
grew, until Nolwazi couldn’t control it.
Me: Bye, guys.
Nomi: So, no drinks tonight?
Me: I’m taking a break from alcohol,
Nomz.
She sulks.
Me: Shap.
Nomi: Bye.
I walk away, and as I get in the house, I
bump into Derek.
He looks at me in shock.
Gosh.
Me: I’ll see you later.
Derek: Excuse me?
Me: I’m going to have a drink with Vuvu.
Derek: What are you doing here? I sigh.
Dean emerges.
Me: See you later.
I walk out and get in Nomvuyo’s car.
Nomvuyo: I was about to fetch your ass.
I chuckle.
Me: I need a drink.
Nomvuyo: I’ve got you…
She starts the car...

INSERT 243 (Last insert for a while)

I call Derek and ask him to come fetch
Nomvuyo and I, because we’re drunkish.
Derek: Manje who’s going to drive
Nomvuyo’s car?
Me: Ask Liwa to come with you. She can’t
drive.
Derek sighs.
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: Bye.
I hang up and look at Nomvuyo, who is
ordering another bottle of wine.
Nomvuyo: Being a housewife has its
perks!
She laughs happily.
Me: You’re something else.
After a long time, Derek and Liwa arrive.
They sit and look at us.
Me: Hey, Liwa!
Liwa chuckles.
Liwa: What’s happening here?
Nomvuyo: Had a hectic day, needed to
unwind a bit.
Liwa: Hectic day? How did the luncheon
go?
Nomvuyo: Mxm. We were dealing with a
bunch of bitches.
Liwa looks at me and I shrug.
Derek: Are you and Lwazi okay?
Me: I don’t know.
Liwa: You’re still not going to the
wedding?
Me: I don’t want to talk about this right
now. I’d like to finish this wine in peace.
Liwa: Alright then.
Liwa and Derek look at each other and
laugh quietly.
***
It’s now Friday.
Derek: Baby, what are you going to wear?
I groan.
Derek: At this point, I’m not giving you a
choice. You’re going to be my date.
Me: I had other plans, you know?
Derek: I don’t care.
I look at him blankly.
Derek: We have to get something to wear.
I sigh.
Just then, his phone rings and he answers.
Derek: Dean… Ya… Hold on…
He looks at me and puts out his phone.
I take the phone.
Me: Hello?
Dean: Ziyanda.
Me: Hey.
Dean: You good?
Me: Ya.
Dean: I’m good. Thanks for asking.
Me: Stop being a baby bitch.
Dean: Mxm.
Me: What do you want?
Dean: Have you figured out what you’re
going to wear?
Me: No.
Dean: I’ve organised for someone to come
there.
Me: Huh?
Dean: He should be there soon.
Me: How do you expect someone to make
something in less than 24 hours?
Dean: Money does wonders.
Me: Dean, I’m not su-
Dean: Have to go. Bye.
He ends the call.
Derek is grinning.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: The guy should be here now.
He walks away…
Minutes later, Derek walks back in with a
very tall and skinny guy. I’m so confused,
because he already has dresses and shit.
Me: Who are you?
Guy: Muzi. I own a boutique. I brought a
few dresses that are aligned to Derek’s
outfit. You’ll choose one that you like and
then I’ll alter it.
He stares at me from head to toe.
Muzi: At least I brought a variety of
sizes… I pride myself in accommodating
all body shapes.
Me: Would you like a round of applause?
Derek: Ziyanda.
I sigh.
Muzi: I was told about your attitude. I
came ready.
He takes out a bottle of champagne and
asks for a flute.
Derek and I look at him in disbelief.
Then, he takes out the dresses.
Muzi: Which one speaks to your soul?
He looks at Derek.
Muzi: I’d like to have some champagne.
Please bring me a flute.
Derek: Uhm, alright…
Derek walks away.
Muzi spanks my butt and I look at him in
shock.
Muzi: Hurry up. I don’t have the whole
day. I have to alter this shit. Derek comes
back and gives him the flute.
Muzi: Thanks.
He pours himself some champagne and
lays out the dresses.
I look at them.
Derek: I like this one…
He points to one that will obviously hug
my body.
Muzi: You love her hips, huh?
Derek: Very much so.
Muzi: I like this one…
He points to the long flowy one.
Derek: That looks like a maternity dress.
Muzi: Wow, what do you know about
fashion?
I chuckle as they go back and forth.
Derek finally looks at me.
Derek: Baby, which one do you like?
Me: I like the one that you like.
Derek looks at Muzi proudly.
Muzi: Couples… You’re all the same…
He takes the dress and gives it to me.
Muzi: Please put it on.
Me: Hmkay…
I go to the bedroom to change. I’m really
not in the mood for this, but I know I
don’t have a choice at this point.
I put on the dress and make my way
downstairs.
Derek: See? It’s perfect!
Muzi: Hmm…
Musi grabs my arm, pulls me closer to him
and next thing I know, he’s running his
hands all over my body.
I’m too stunned!
He is legit touching every part of my hips
and butt.
Derek steps closer and pulls me away.
Derek: Is there a problem?
Muzi: I’m just trying to make sure that it
fits well.
Derek: Do that shit again, and I’ll make
sure that my fist fits well on your face.
I laugh.
I can’t even take any of this seriously.
Muzi: Relax, buddy. I’m into you more
than I am into her.
I laugh even more.
The guy winks, and Derek looks at him
uncomfortably.
Me: I think the dress need a slit. I’d like to
walk comfortably.
Muzi: Shh… I know what I’m doing.
I keep quiet as he makes me turn around
and starts assessing the dress.
After a while, he tells me to change
again…
***
It’s now around 11am.
Derek: Dean needs me. Are you going to
be fine?
Me: Yep.
Derek: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, Star.
He looks at me and smiles.
Derek: I have a bone to pick with you, but
I shall do that later.
Me: Hmm, I wonder.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
We share a kiss and he leaves.
I get my phone and dial Nolwazi’s
number. It rings for a while, but she
eventually answers.
Nolwazi: Hello?
Me: Hi, Lwazi, it’s Zi.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi. How are you?
Me: I’m okay, and you?
Nolwazi: Could be better.
Me: Uhm, can you come to Derek’s house?
Nolwazi: Uh…
Me: You know I can’t drive there…
Nolwazi: Is everything okay?
Me: Yes.
She sighs.
Me: Just come.
Nolwazi: Okay.
Me: Bye, see you soonest.
Nolwazi: Alright.
I end the call and get ready.
***
When I open the door for Nolwazi, I’m not
shocked to see a very tired and defeated
person staring at me.
She looks like she’s carrying the world.
Me: Come in.
I move out of the way and she walks in.
Me: Hey.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi.
We go to the lounge and sit.
I sigh.
Me: A few weeks ago, I planned a spa day
for us.
She raises an eyebrow.
Me: I was planning on inviting all your
friends… In fact, I paid for all of them…
I sigh.
Me: However, after yesterday, I think you
need some alone time…
Nolwazi: Zi…
She sighs deeply.
Me: I think you need to spend some time
away from everyone for just a few hours.
You’ll feel good.
Her eyes water up.
Me: I didn’t mean to make you cry…
She sighs and wipes her tears.
Nolwazi: I just didn’t anticipate any of
this.
I nod.
Nolwazi: I feel like everything is going
badly. I didn’t think the days before my
wedding would be this stressful.
Me: I know I contributed to that.
She shakes her head.
Nolwazi: Let’s not dwell on the past. I
don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want
to fight with anyone.
Me: I feel bad for how things have turned
out.
She shrugs and wipes her tears again.
Nolwazi: I guess all of this had to happen,
because I’ve come to realise that I still
carry a lot of baggage from my previous
marriage.
I nod lightly.
Nolwazi: Nomvuyo’s words hit me hard.
I keep quiet.
Nolwazi: I don’t want to blame anyone,
even Sly. I’m just going to take
responsibility for everything and find a
way forward.
Me: None of us are perfect. I’m not
judging you.
She nods.
Nolwazi: I’m starting to realise that that’s
why you are so loved. You don’t judge
your loved ones. You try to understand a
situation in a deeper way than most of us.
It’s a great thing, Zi. Never change.
Me: Thank you.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I have a lot to work on…
Me: That’s why we’re all so close. We’re a
bunch of fucked up individuals that are
just trying to be better.
Nolwazi: I guess I was refusing to come to
terms with my faults.
Me: There’s nothing wrong with being
imperfect. We all make mistakes, hurtful
mistakes. Our mistakes hurt a lot of
people. However, we love each other
regardless, and we try to make it work.
She nods.
Me: I’d like you to open up more and let
us in… Being around this group has
taught me a lot about myself and humans
in general.
Nolwazi: I don’t think I’m better than any
you. I just find it difficult to build solid
relationships.
Me: I understand.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: Will you join me? I think we
both deserve some pampering.
Me: I thought you would never ask.
She laughs.
Nolwazi: I’ll tell Sly that I’m going to be
MIA for a few hours.
I try not to roll my eyes.
Nolwazi: Don’t worry. Sly and I will have a
talk.
Me: Cool.
She looks at me seriously.
Nolwazi: Thank you, Zi.
Me: I may be a bitch most of the time, but
I’m a sensitive bitch. I hate conflict,
especially if it affects the people I care
about.
We stand and share a hug.
Me: Now, let’s go zone out for a few hours.
I can’t believe the wedding is tomorrow!
Nolwazi laughs.
Nolwazi: Dean has been stressing more
than me. I’m just happy that it’s going to
be intimate. She looks at me softly.
Nolwazi: Once again, I apologise for
shutting you out like that.
Me: It’s okay.
Nolwazi: You’re coming, right?
Me: Yes, as Derek’s plus one.
Nolwazi: Damnit! I will never get rid of
you, will I?
We laugh.
Me: Too soon, Lwazi!
She continues laughing.
Me: Let’s go.
I get my shit and we head out…
Listen, if there’s any drama in that
wedding, best believe it will not revolve
around me.
I’m a born-again bitch right now- I’m sane
as fuck. I don’t expect anyone to even look
my direction.
INSERT 244
When I get back to the house, I’m beyond
glad that Derek is not there. I’m sure he’s
still with Dean, busying doing wedding
stuff. I guess my “beef" with Nolwazi has
put me in a great place, because I'm not
all stressed about their wedding, trying to
sort out last minute things. Phela mina
I'm going there as a plus one, so
angizingeni.
My spa day with Nolwazi went well. I’m
still touched by her trying to shut me out
just like that, but I have to let it go for my
own sanity… and Dean’s… His dramatic
ass would never forgive me if I decided to
ghost on him.
Anyway, I’m home now, it's around 4pm,
and I think Derek will be back later.
As I’m about to pour myself a glass of
wine, I get a call from Dean.
Should I ignore it? Should I answer it?
Ignore.
A bitch needs some personal space. I just
want to prepare myself for tomorrow. We
haven’t really hung out as a group in a
while, so I know things will be strange-
ish.
It rings again, and I answer.
Me: Dean.
Dean: Don’t fuck with me.
Me: What do you want?
Dean: I need your help. Woza.
Me: Uthi woza kubani? Am I Snoopy?
Dean: Just come.
He ends the call and I grunt.
See what happens the moment I do me?
It’s like they can sense when I’m at peace.
I request an Uber and pour myself some
wine. After a while, the Uber arrives and I
make my way out.
***
When I get to the house, I find Dean and
Derek there.
Dean: Took you long enough.
Me: What’s happening? I was about to
Netflix and chill.
Dean: How was your date with Lwazi?
Me: It went well. We’re good now.
He looks at me seriously.
Me: I’m serious, Dean. We talked, and she
apologised.
Dean: Did you also apologise for being
obsessed with me?
Me: Euww! Screw you! You're the
obsessed one! He chuckles.
Dean: I’m glad you’re good.
Me: Why am I here?
Derek: Hello to you too, baby.
I look at Star’s cute ass and then look at
Dean.
Me: Ufunani?
Dean: I need you to deliver a few things to
Nolwazi.
He points to a medium nyana box.
Dean: Derek will take you to her parents’
house.
Me: Have we finally figured out why the
bride and the groom can’t see each other
before the wedding day?
Derek: I did my research. Apparently in
the olden days, a lot of marriages were
arranged. As a result, the families didn’t
want the bride and groom to see each
other before the wedding, because they
were scared that they might change their
minds. Typically, the bride’s family
wanted their daughter to marry into a
rich family, and the groom’s family
wanted their son to marry a beautiful
woman. They feared that if they saw each
other before the day, they wouldn’t be
happy with what they saw… that’s why
the woman wore a veil… so the groom
wouldn’t find out what the bride looked
like till the last possible minute.
Dean and I look at him in shock and he
chuckles.
Derek: What? You guys kept asking this
question, so I did my research.
Dean: Such a nerd.
Me: Sies, so all of this stems from
arranged marriages?
Derek: Apparently.
Me: Haike, Dean you won’t be killed by
lightning if you see Lwazi now, so you can
deliver your box yourself.
Dean: Ungangiphapheli wena.
I grunt. Derek: Let’s go, baby.
Derek stands and takes the box.
Me: How are you feeling?
Dean: I’m okay. Nolwazi and I have been
living like a married couple anyway.
I chuckle.
Dean: I’m more excited than nervous. I’m
glad that she gets to experience a
wedding that she wants…
Me: Hmkay.
Dean: Have you really forgiven her?
Me: Ya.
Dean: Hmkay. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: Manje you’re going to be all alone?
Don’t you want to come to our place?
Dean: I need some alone-time. I’ll be fine.
Me: Hmkay. Bye then.
We share a hug.
Me: Love you.
Dean: Love you too, kiddo.
Derek: See you tomorrow.
Dean: Shap.
Derek and I walk out and get in the car.
Me: Hey, you.
He smiles.
Derek: I was starting to think I'm
invisible.
Me: Angithi your twin stays doing the
most. He leans closer to me and we share
a kiss.
Derek: I missed you.
Me: I’m sure you did.
He laughs.
Derek: Ziyanda, at least pretend you
missed me too.
He starts the car and drives off.
Derek: How did the spa day go?
Me: It went well.
Derek: Are you really cool with Lwazi?
Me: Are you going to Dean on me?
He laughs.
Derek: No, baby, you know I’m not a
snitch.
I groan.
Me: I have forgiven her, but I’m still
touched that she thought so negatively of
me.
Derek: We all have our insecurities.
Nolwazi is not perfect. She made a
mistake, I don’t think she should be
singled out.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Try to let it go.
I nod.
Me: What about you and Zimkitha? Are
you willing to let everything go?
He sighs heavily.
Derek: It’s a complex situation. But I’m
not as angry as I was last week or a few
days ago… I think I need to give myself
time.
I nod.
Derek: Look at you changing the subject.
We both laugh and continue chatting.
***
When we arrive at Nolwazi’s parents’
house, we find them (Nolwazi and her
parents) having dinner. Mdu and Ivy are
not present.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda, hey!
She looks shocked and nervous to see me,
probably because that sister of hers is
somewhere in this house, and Nolwazi
knows I won’t hesitate to give the brat a
few smacks if she breathes too heavily.
Derek: Good evening, everyone.
Everyone greets back.
Me: Dean has asked us to give you this…
Derek hands over the box.
Nolwazi: Is it? How is he?
Derek: He’s okay.
Dumakude looks at Derek seriously and I
try not to roll my eyes. He mustn’t even
try to pull that cold father-in-law vibe
with Derek and I. I genuinely don’t
understand in-laws that aren’t
welcoming. If your child is in love with
someone, you need to ease up and
welcome that person. I get being strict
initially, but once the person is part of the
family, and they’ve basically pounded
your child to the point of giving you
grandchildren, then you must just
reevaluate your attitude.
Thandeka: What’s in the box?
Nolwazi opens it and smiles.
Thandeka: Aww, this is so sweet!
We watch as she takes out all of the gifts.
Nolwazi is already teary.
The first gift is a personalised leather
watch that is written, “I’m excited to
spend the rest of my time with you. Love,
Dean.” Cute and corny.
The second gift is a pair of cute warm
socks with a note saying, “These should
keep you warm tonight, just in case you
get cold feet…”
Very funny.
The third gift is a jar filled with notes.
Dean wrote about all his favourite
memories with Nolwazi.
Thoughtful.
Nolwazi: Oh my goodness!
She sobs.
Thandeka: I didn’t know that Langa is this
romantic. This is so sweet!
The last gift is set of personalised
champagne glasses. They’re all written,
“Mrs Dumakude- Hlongwane.”
Dean has made it clear that he is not
changing his surname to Mzinyathi.
Nolwazi wipes her tears.
Nolwazi: Thank you for delivering these.
Derek: You’re welcome. He really outdid
himself.
Nolwazi: I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Me: Nisale kahle.
They all say goodbye, and then Derek and
I make our way to the car.
Derek: If only she knew that you did all of
that.
Me: Angithi she thinks I want Dean to
myself…
He chuckles.
Me: I need new friends. I’m tired of your
people.
He drives off.
We’re going to my parents’ house to fetch
Little Star and Lwazi. When we arrive,
Lwazi runs to me and we share a very
long hug.
Lwazi: Mommy!
Me: Hey, baby.
This one is really growing up. She’s
getting so tall now, and the level of
maturity is very high.
Little Star on the other hand, is still
chubby and cute. She looks like me more
than she looks like Derek. My mom says
she’ll probably start looking like Derek
when she grows up. I don’t care. As long
as people can tell that she’s mine.
Anyway, we catch up with my parents…
***
As I’m sleeping, I’m awakened by Derek’s
absence in bed.
I sigh heavily.
He hasn’t been sleeping properly since
everything came to light.
I go to his study, and find him journaling.
Me: Nkanyezi.
He looks up and smiles.
Derek: Hey, baby.
I sigh in relief.
Thank God he’s fine.
Me: Everything okay?
Derek: Just journaling.
I nod.
Derek: Come in.
I walk to the couch and sit next to him.
Derek: I’ve been thinking… I look at him.
Derek: I know I always put pressure on
you…
I look at him in confusion.
Derek: I just want you to know that I’m
not going to rush things. I’d like us to
work on ourselves first before getting
married. I think it’s too easy to convince
ourselves that our love is enough to make
things work, but the past few weeks have
shown me that that is not the case…
Me: Interesting…
He smiles.
Derek: I want to be the best version of
myself…
Me: Me too.
Derek: Then we should start being
deliberate about bettering ourselves. I’ve
been taking my sessions with Melinda
seriously.
Me: I’m happy to hear that.
Derek: I know we’re not 100% fine,
considering all the shit that has taken
place, but I want you to know that you’re
the best thing that ever happened to me. I
don’t take our relationship for granted.
Me: Star, what’s happening? Are you
trying to make me have another baby?
He laughs and shakes his head.
Derek: I’ve just been thinking… Our fights
always give me something to reflect on…
Let's not rush to get married...
I smile and kiss him.
Me: I know things are not always perfect,
but you are also the highlight of my life. I
may not be expressive at times, but you
should never doubt my love for you.
We share another kiss and I yawn.
Me: Now, can we go to sleep? Tomorrow
is going to be a long day.
Derek: Definitely. Let me finish up here,
I’ll be up soon.
Me: Shap. I go to Lwazi’s bedroom, and
find her sleeping. I switch off the lamp
and go to the Star’s room, and find her
sleeping as well. I know she’s going to be
up soon, crying her lungs out, so I need to
get a few hours of sleep.
I finally get to our bedroom and take my
phone.
I dial Dean’s number.
He answers.
Me: I thought you’d be sleeping.
Dean: The nervousness is kicking in.
Me: You scared that she’ll leave you
hanging?
Dean: Mxm, did she love the gifts?
Me: Of course she did.
Dean: Thank you for helping me.
Me: It’s always a pleasure.
He sighs.
Me: Dean.
Dean: Yes?
I sigh.
Me: How are you?
Dean: I’m fine.
Me: No, I mean, how are you? Like,
honestly.
He is silent.
Me: I think the past few weeks have been
emotionally draining. In addition, the
focus has been on Derek, because he
really struggled to process this whole
thing… You didn’t go crazy like him, but I
know you’re not really fine.
He sighs.
Dean: I can’t afford to be miserable right
now.
Me: You don’t want Derek to see you like
that?
Dean: I don’t even want to see myself like
that. I understand that what Zimkitha did
was fucked up. I’m pissed and hurt that
my whole life was a lie… However, now
that I know what really happened, I’m not
that angry anymore. I understand that
sometimes life will present you with
difficult options… I’m rational enough to
understand Zimkitha’s actions…
Me: I don’t want you to postpone your
reaction. If you’re pissed, be pissed. If
you’re sad, be sad…
Dean: I’m fine, Zi. I really am… There’s a
small part of me that is really hurt, but I
can’t focus on it right now, because I’m
highly blessed. Everything is going well in
my life at the moment. I’m filled with love
and gratitude.
Me: That’s good to hear.
Dean: I have my days, but overall, I’m
happy. This Zimkitha thing was a
curveball, but I’m okay…
Me: You promise?
Dean: Yes. Melinda ran a few tests…
Apparently my EQ is high.
Me: Oh, gosh.
He chuckles.
Dean: I’m an emotionally mature man,
Ziyanda Dlamini.
I chuckle.
Me: Argh, whatever.
Dean: Thank you for checking in… How
are you?
Me: I’m okay.
Dean: Shit has been rough, hasn’t it?
Me: Yoh, tell me about it.
Dean: Such is bound to happen… Like we
always say… We’re a bunch of fucked up
individuals that love each other
immensely. We are constantly trying to
balance our individual shit with the crap
that comes with being associated with a
group… We’ll survive this little set back.
Me: Okay, Dr Hlongz.
He chuckles.
Dean: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: Shap. I love you.
Dean: I love you too.
Me: Shap.
Dean: Bye, Dlamz.
I hang up just as Derek walks in.
Me: Was checking on Dean.
Derek: Is he okay?
I nod.
Me: He was bragging about his high EQ.
Derek laughs as he gets in bed and pulls
me closer to him.
Me: Thina abanye our EQs are very
concerning.
He continues laughing.
Derek: I thought mine was high, but
Melinda says I have a lot of areas of
growth… One of them being the way I
process anger… Emotionally mature
people don’t react impulsively… I need to
work on that.
Me: I’m glad Melinda is now doing my
sessions for free. Phela I really gave her
customers.
He chuckles.
Me: Good night, Star.
Derek: Night, baby. Love you.
Me: Love you too.
He plants a kiss on my forehead. All I
remember is passing out, and having to
wake up around two hours later, because
Little Star was crying her lungs out.

INSERT 245 (Unedited)

It's now 6am, and I haven't slept properly.
I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, because
of Liyakha. I'm really going through the
most with this one. Her sleeping patterns
drive me insane.
Derek has also been up. Whenever I'm up
with Star, he also stays up with us. I'm
quite grateful that he is as invested as me
in this parenthood thing, if not more… I
think everyday presents a challenge. At
this point, I’d take a promoting gig from
Choice condoms, that’s how much I’m
against having more children… Don’t have
kids, people. It’s too much.
Me: I'm glad Nolwazi is not having a jam-
packed weekend. Can you imagine if we
had to go up and down these family
houses, exchanging blankets left right and
centre?
Derek: Dumakude wanted a proper
traditional wedding, but Nolwazi refused,
because her first wedding was quite
traditional, and she didn't really have a
say in the planning.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Also, it's not like our family
dynamic allows us to throw deep
traditional weddings. We have no family
besides each other, and we weren't even
raised with traditional beliefs, so we're
clueless.
We both chuckle.
Me: I don't even want a traditional or
white wedding. I think we should just
host a dinner- eat, say our vows and finish
up.
Derek: Uh… I'm not sure about that.
Me: You want a big wedding?
Derek: Not a big wedding, I just want
something intimate and meaningful.
Me: Like a dinner?
Derek: Ziyanda.
I laugh.
Derek: Maybe I should plan our wedding.
Just then, my phone rings, and I answer.
Me: Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Hello, baby. How are you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Nomvuyo: I’m okay… Are we going to this
wedding?
Me: Vuvu, yes. Don’t be mean.
Nomvuyo: What? I believe in going to
places where we’re genuinely wanted.
I chuckle.
Me: Vuvu, I’m all about positivity.
Nomvuyo: Argh, I thought we’d be petty
and not pitch. Sometimes it’s nice to
shake the table.
Me: No! Vuvu, the wedding is taking place
at your house!
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Liwa and I had to go to a hotel.
There was a lot happening.
I laugh.
I’m surprised Nolwazi actually agreed to
have her wedding there. I mean, the place
is a castle, but can Lwazi be a consistent
Petty Betty?
Me: I’ll see you soon.
Nomvuyo: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I hang up and Derek shakes his head.
Derek: You two are a bad combination.
Me: Don’t even come for Vuvu. I’m sure
you’d still be in the doghouse if it weren’t
for her.
He sulks and I laugh at him.
Me: When are supposed to be there?
Derek: Earlier than everyone.
I sigh.
Derek: Just remember that this is all for
Dean. We will not be the centre of any
drama today. We’ll help where needed,
and back off when other shit takes place.
Me: Hmkay.
Little Star starts mumbling and kicking.
She can sense that she is no longer the
centre of attention, and she has a problem
with that.
Derek takes her from me and showers her
with kisses while she giggles away.
Me: She’s getting out of hand. I thought
Dean’s megabyte was bad, but Liya is
worse. Her need for attention is starting
to worry me.
Derek: I wonder who she gets it from.
Me: Definitely not me. You and your
brothers love being the centre of
attention. You’re all needy.
He looks at me begrudgingly and I
chuckle.
Me: Anyway, let me get ready…
I stand and make my way to the
bathroom.
***
The planner and control freak in me
wants to be more involved right now.
Unfortunately, Derek has me on a leash.
He has made it clear that I should remain
invisible in this wedding… invisibile for
Nolwazi’s sake specifically. I’m finding it a
bit difficult to be in the shadows just
because I’m nursing someone’s
insecurities. I keep having to remind
myself that I am forgiving Nolwazi,
therefore, I can’t be all bitter.
Anyway, I’m mainly here for Dean. I’m
excited on his behalf.
We’re now in his house, helping him get
ready. Muzi, the flamboyant designer is
here to make sure that all goes well.
Lol, Derek doesn’t particularly like Muzi. I
quite enjoy their little dynamic.
Muzi: Ziyanda, babe, pour more
champagne for me.
Me: Haibo, what happened to the magic
word? He rolls his eyes. Uyadelela lo. I’ll
tolerate him because he is good at what
he does. He has managed to make all of us
look great.
I pour champagne for him and he takes a
sip. Thereafter, he focuses on Dean.
Dean: You do know that I have hands, and
I can get dressed all my myself, right?
Muzi: Dean, be quiet. You have a long day
ahead of you, and I’m just making things
easier for you.
Dean chuckles.
Muzi: Besides, this is what you’ve paid me
to do.
Dean: And you’re fucken expensive.
Muzi laughs.
I’m surprised that Dean gets along with
him. Muzi’s personality is very “in your
face.” Even I get overwhelmed by him.
Anyway, once we’re all good, Muzi’s
assistant packs his things. Listen, Muzi
even did my makeup. He did not come to
play.
Muzi: Please take good quality photos. I’m
going to use them to promote my brand.
Me: Bye, Muzi. Thanks for everything.
Muzi: You’re welcome, dear.
I try not to roll my eyes. Nothing annoys
me more than being called “dear.” I find it
condescending, but I know Muzi means
well.
We say goodbye to Muzi and he leaves.
Dean looks at us and smiles.
Dean: I have something for you two.
Me: Is it money?
He laughs as he leads us to his study.
When we get there, he points to gift bags.
I open the one with my name and smile.
Me: You are the cutest! First, I take out
the very expensive-looking journal that
comes with a very expensive-looking pen.
It even has a note on it and it reads:
“You probably have a pile of journals, but
none of them are from me, so they’re
useless. This specific journal should be
used to write about what you’re grateful
for. I know you’re a master of journaling,
but I also know you don’t pay attention to
the little things that make you happy. Use
this to jot down all the positive things you
come across on a daily basis. Hopefully,
the positive vibes will spread and keep
you sane even when you think life is
fucked up. Love, Dean.”
I look at him.
Yhu, ndi-dizzy.
Me: This is really sweet.
I suddenly feel like crying.
Dean: No tears, please. It’s too early.
Me: Thank you.
He nods.
I take out the second gift and chuckle.
It’s a Dischem gift voucher.
Me: You know me too well!
I take out the third gift, which is a jar
filled with notes. I absolutely love that
this has become a thing now. We give
each other these notes on a regular
basis… Derek and I even have a wall
dedicated to putting up these notes.
Me: Dean, this is great. Thank you.
I step closer to him and give him a
squeeze.
Me: Thank you!
Dean: You’re welcome.
He looks at Derek and smiles.
Dean: Your turn. Derek’s gift takes me out.
I don’t think I have ever laughed like this
before.
Derek is shook.
Dean legit gave Derek “Nothing.” It’s a
transparent plastic sphere filled with
nothing.
The package states, “Congratulations! You
have received the gift of nothing.
Absolutely nothing. This is the ultimate in
minimalism. Less is more, more or less.
Nothing is precious. Nothing is simple.
Nothing is sacred. Open the pack and be
enthralled when nothing happens. Allow
nothing to flow through your mind and
calm your soul. Savour the moment. Soon,
you’ll discover that nothing is so much
better than something. The gift of nothing
is yours to discover.”
Yhu, I have never laughed like this.
Derek: What the fuck?
Dean: You have everything. I didn’t know
what to get you. Also, Ziyanda gives you
gifts every week manje I ran out of
options.
I continue laughing.
Me: This is the best gift I’ve ever seen. So,
it’s nothing?
Dean Nothing is more… It’s better than
something…
Dean and I laugh.
Derek is still confused.
Derek: I’ve never been disrespected like
this.
He eventually laughs.
Derek: Thanks for nothing.
Dean: You’re welcome.
Me: Less is more.
Derek: I’ll steal your voucher.
Me: Ohho. Let me check on Star. I’m sure
she’s up now.
I walk out and my phone rings
downstairs. I rush down and get it.
Me: Hello?
Liwa: Ziyanda, hey.
Me: Liwa… Hello.
It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out
that he’s not okay.
Liwa: Are you with Dean and Derek?
Me: Yes.
Liwa: How’s Dean?
Me: He’s okay. Why aren’t you here?
He sighs.
Me: I know they would appreciate your
presence.
Liwa: Things are not the same anymore.
Me: Are you going to hide forever?
Liwa groans.
Me: Just come to Dean and Nolwazi’s
house.
Liwa: Alright.
Me: I’m giving you 15 minutes. Vuvu told
me you’re in the neighbourhood.
He chuckles.
Liwa: See you soon.
This is going to be such a strange
wedding.
Had it been mine, I would have postponed
it. People’s relationships are strained
right now, and I wouldn’t want such
heavy vibes when everyone is supposed
to be happy and united.
Anyway, I decide to call all the relevant
people and hope for the best.
Dean, Derek and I are watching TV.
Random, I know, considering that Dean is
getting married soon, but it seems to be
helping, because we’re very chilled right
now.
We hear a knock on the door and Dean
frowns.
He made it clear that he wants to spend
his last hours by himself (Derek and I
obviously don’t give a shit about his
rules). He didn’t want to see anyone. Very
strange, but not surprising…
He stands and I follow him.
When he opens the door, he chuckles.
All his groomsmen are standing there:
Liwa, Malusi and Joe. They come bearing
gifts.
I am so relieved to see Dean smiling.
Malusi: You are one weird motherfucker.
How dare you ban us from seeing you?
Joe: Can’t stand you.
Muzi really did the damn thing. They all
look dapper.
They hug Dean and walk in.
Liwa is not himself.
I hug him as everyone makes their way to
the bar.
Me: Hey.
Liwa: I didn’t think Dean’s wedding would
be such an awkward experience.
Me: It doesn’t have to be. At the end of the
day, you guys truly love each other. I
know you’ll pull through.
Dean walks to us and looks at Liwa.
Dean: Want to talk?
Liwa nods.
Dean: Let's go to my study.
I watch as they walk away. I know it's too
soon to ask Derek to join them, so I won't
even bother. I know Derek won't be
intentionally cold and mean to Liwa. He
just needs time. Once he's ready, he’ll
reach out to everyone. I make my way to
the bar and find Derek, Malusi and Joe
laughing.
Malusi: Hello, Ziyanda.
Me: Hey.
I really tried to like this guy, I really did. I
just can’t get over how he continuously
cheated on Nandi. It genuinely baffles me.
Joe: Ziyanda Dlamini.
Me: Hey, Joe… Where’s Gabi?
Joe: She’ll join us shortly.
I nod lightly.
Nandi is one of the Bridesmaids, so we’ll
see her later.
Derek: Baby, would you like some wine?
Me: Why are you guys drinking? You want
to get there drunk?
They chuckle and I walk away and fetch
Little Star. She is in heaven as I give her
all my attention…
***
When Nomvuyo and Gabi arrive, I find
myself laughing. Gabi was convinced that
Nomvuyo didn’t like her, and Nomvuyo
just didn’t care. However, I must say, after
my baby shower, they became
acquaintances.
Gabi: Zizi, my makeup artist is coming.
Please wash your face.
Me: My face is already done, Gabs.
Gabi: No, your makeup needs to match
the dress you’re wearing.
Lord… If only Muzi was here to hear what
Gabi is saying about his makeup service.
I chuckle and nod.
Me: Alright then.
I look at Nomvuyo.
Me: Ya wena.
Nomvuyo: Gabi is exhausting.
Gabi: Vuvu, this is a wedding! We have to
be on-point!
Nomvuyo: I need a drink.
They both walk to the bar and I walk to
the lounge where I left Star, who’s now
crying her lungs out…
***
We’re now on our way to the Mzinyathi’s.
Liwa is a more relaxed. I’m glad that his
conversation with Dean went well.
Derek is his usual kind self. I’m glad he’s
not making things awkward.
Derek is driving with Dean and Liwa.
Malusi is with Joe and Gabi. I am with
Nomvuyo, she’s driving of course.
Nomvuyo: I see the Three Musketeers are
better.
Me: Thank God.
Nomvuyo: Liwa was ready to ghost on
everyone. I had to tell him to stop being a
baby.
Me: Of course you did.
Nomvuyo: They can’t avoid each other
forever.
Me: True.
We continue chatting till we get to the
“venue.”
The place looks exceptional. Ngathi we’re
in a South African version of Wonderland.
Dean and the guys make their way to
their designated room, and Nomvuyo and
I walk around.
This is a very intimate setting. Last time I
checked, only 30-40 people were invited.
Is it weird that I suddenly want my
wedding to take place tomorrow? Lol, I
have so many cute ideas.
I lied. I’m not going to have a small dinner.
I’m going to have something like this.
Whoa, I have FOMO right now. I need
some alcohol to help me snap out of it.
I get a text from Derek, saying he already
misses me.
Nomvuyo: Something about weddings,
huh?
Me: Yep.
We go to the bar and Nomvuyo orders
mojitos.
Just then, my phone rings.
Me: What does Mdu want now?
Nomvuyo: Don’t be mean.
I roll my eyes as I answer.
Me: Mdu.
Mdu: Ziyanda, ukuphi?
Me: Just got to the venue.
Mdu: Tholi and I are in the car. Please
come.
Me: Hmkay.
I end the call.
Me: I’ll be back.
Nomvuyo: Shap.
I make my way to the parking lot and see
Mdu’s car. I get in at the back and smile
when I see Tholi.
Me: Long time!
Mdu: She wants to go back home.
Me: What do you mean?
I look at Tholi, and she looks at me
nervously.
Tholi: Nolwazi’s parents still don’t know
about us.
Me: I doubt they’ll even care at this point.
Nolwazi knows, and she invited both of
you. She wouldn’t have invited you if she
didn’t want you here.
She sighs.
Me: Stop overthinking it. Vuvu and I are
here, so you won’t be alone.
She looks at Mdu nervously.
Tholi: I’m sorry for overreacting. I won’t
leave.
Mdu: I’m just confused as to why you
don’t listen to me, but as soon as this one
talks to you, you go back to being rational.
Me: Who is this one? Unganginyeli wena.
Mdu: Fuck off, Ziya-
Tholi: Guys, not today. Please stop.
Me: Let’s go, Tholi.
I get out of the car and open her door.
She gets out and looks around nervously.
Me: Trust me, these people have bigger
shit to worry about right now.
Tholi: But, Ivy-
Me: This fancy dress won’t stop me from
doing the most.
She giggles.
I smile and take her hand.
She has really come far… She has had
some dark days due to her Postpartum
Depression. I try to check in as much as I
can, but a bitch is also dealing with her
shit…
Mdu: I’ll see you later. I’m going to check
on Nolwazi.
Tholi and I make our way to the bar and
she orders a virgin mojito.
Nomvuyo: I need to find my children.
She looks at me.
Nomvuyo: Have you met Liwa’s sons from
his previous marriage?
I look at her in shock.
Me: Liwa has sons??
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Bongani and Lungile.
Me: The fuck? Are they his biological
sons?
Nomvuyo: Yes.
Me: I thought they were Jennifer’s, not his.
Nomvuyo shakes her head lightly.
Tholi looks confused.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, I need to find them. I
know they’re up to no good wherever
they are with Nyami…
She walks off and I shake my head.
Tholi: How are you?
Me: I’m okay, hey… just surviving… How
are you?
Tholi: Right now, I’m nervous… But
generally, I’ve been stable.
I nod.
Me: Where are the twins?
Tholi: A friend of mine is taking care of
them.
A friend? Who is this friend? She has
friends?
Me: Hmkay.
She chuckles.
Tholi: I’ve made a few friends, Zi. Mdu is
no longer the only friend I have.
Me: Good. He’s a terrible friend. We both
laugh and continue chatting. I just want to
distract her from her thoughts- get her
comfortable and relaxed.
***
It’s now around 1pm, and we’re supposed
to be seated ngabo half past.
I’m slightly tipsy, and I want Derek.
Me: Will you be fine if I leave you here
with Star for a few minutes?
Tholi: Yes, I will. Everyone is minding
their business. Star should keep me
entertained.
Me: Shap.
I make my way inside and bump into Sly.
Sly: Extra guests are not allowed inside
the ho-
Me: Hai, futsek.
That futsek came straight from my vagina.
Anyway, I walk past her and make my
way upstairs. When I get to the guys’
room, I find them chatting and laughing.
There’s so much testosterone in this
room, that my thighs twitch a bit.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Lol, as Dean would say… Uvukile
umalambane. He no longer sad and lonely,
I see.
Me: You guys seem to be having a good
time.
I look at Dean.
He looks so happy with his people.
Dean: Ufunani?
Derek walks to me.
Derek: Everything okay?
At this point, I don’t know if it’s the
alcohol, or I’m just a little hoe, but things
need to happen. It also doesn’t help
ukuthi he looks good.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I snap out of it.
Me: Woza.
I take his hand and lead him out.
We walk to Liwa and Nomvuyo’s
bedroom and he closes the door.
Derek: Everything okay?
Heyi naye he asks too many questions…
***
After a quick and temporarily satisfying
session, I fix my dress and he laughs
quietly.
Derek: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to
your randomness.
Me: I needed a quick fix.
He wraps his arms around me and plants
a kiss on my lips.
Derek: You can have me anytime you
want. I’m at your disposal.
I smile.
Me: Go back to your people.
We share a kiss and walk out.
We bump into Sly.
Sly: Derek, are you ready?
Derek nods coldly.
Sly: You’ll find me in the other room. Meet
me there in 5 minutes.
She smiles and walks off.
I look at Derek in confusion.
Derek: I’m the Best Man, remember? Still
don’t understand.
Derek: Sly is Nolwazi’s Maid of Honour.
And then it clicks.
Me: I see…
Derek: She’s been doing the most.
Me: Who wouldn’t… You are the Great
Dlamini’s property, after-all.
He laughs.
Me: Geesh, so who’s Liwa’s partner?
Derek: Liwa is with Thuli. Malusi is
obviously with Nandi. Joe is with Nomi.
Then Mdu is with Ivy.
Just then, Gabi and Joe emerge from one
of the rooms.
Clearly I wasn’t the only one craving a
quick fix.
Gabi: Zi!
She takes my hand.
Gabi: Let’s give them space… We’ll see
them soon…
Me: Bye, Star.
Derek: Bye, baby.
Gabi and I walk away.
Gabi: I had to do some last minute
changes.
I look at her in confusion.
Gabi: That sly friend of Nolwazi’s placed
my Joey with Thuli. I wasn’t comfortable
with that so I had to make sure he’s
placed with the drunkard. I’m sure she
won’t remember half of the day.
Yho ngaze ngahleka. Gabi doesn’t play
when it comes to her Joey.
Gabi: I don’t know how you’re so
comfortable with Sly being so close to
Derek. Sly is messy!
Me: Derek will handle her.
Gabi: If you say so!
We get outside and Tholi waves.
It seems like everyone is here, and they’re
all heading to their seats.
Gabi: I need champagne first.
She goes to the bar while I go to Tholi. I
take Star from her. Star is now pouting
and staring at me. She’s obviously not
happy that I left her here. I give her a kiss
and she rests her head on my neck.
Tholi: You’ve been gone for a while.
Me: Nolwazi needed help with something.
She nods and we make our way to our
seats…

INSERT 246
I’m sitting in between Tholi and
Nomvuyo. Everyone is seated and we’re
waiting for the vocalist to officially bless
us. I told Nolwazi (when we were still
planning her wedding) to find someone
who’ll blow us away as she walks down
the aisle. It’s 2018, we can’t be using that
boring song the colonisers brainwashed
us with…
Anyway, I’m glad she went with that idea,
because this guy on the piano has been
doing an amazing job.
We’re now waiting for Nolwazi.
Thandeka and Lindelwa are sitting side
by side, looking very emotional.
Zimkitha is sitting on the other side with
my mom and dad.
Star is staring at her father and giggling.
Derek looks so good up there.
Dean and Nolwazi agreed that the
groomsmen and bridesmaids will sit at
the front- not the front row- but at the
front where they’ll be standing with the
priest. It’s a cute setting and I think I’m
also going to use it, but only our family
will sit there… I think it will be comforting
to have them up there with us.
The pianist changes the tune and the
vocalist starts humming sweetly. K’shuthi
it’s time.
We all stand.
I look at Dean and smile. He looks so
happy. He looks like a completely
different person, the Resting Bitch Face
has completely vanished.
My eyes land on Derek and my smile
widens. This one lowkey drives me crazy,
but he can never find out…
We turn heads as the vocalist starts
singing Jennifer Hudson’s “Still Here.”
Yhu, I am a sobbing mess.
Nolwazi emerges and she looks
breathtaking.
Heyi, even Nomvuyo’s stiff face softens up
and the idiot sheds a few thug tears.
Listen, I have never been to a wedding, so
this shit is overwhelmingly emotional.
Now, I’m even thinking about Derek and
how much I love him. It’s a crazy wave of
emotions.
I amazed at how this vocalist is able to
pull off this song without screaming… Her
sweet voice is soothing, and it’s not taking
our attention away from Nolwazi.
The thing with this song is that it can
confuse you… One minute you’re singing
it as a gospel song, thanking God that he’s
by your side… The next minute, it has you
thinking about your lover… It’s a versatile
song, and I’m touched that Nolwazi chose
it. It’s a beautiful song…
Dean looks like he can’t believe any of this
is happening. He has been trying to keep
it in, but now he’s just letting the river
floweth. In fact, everyone is sobbing.
Because everyone that is here truly cares
about these two people, we’re not dealing
with pretentious bitches that only attend
weddings with shady motives. The only
shady bitch here is Sly.
Anyway, we’re all emotional right now.
Dumakude and Nolwazi finally get to the
front and Dumakude actually hugs Dean.
Shocker.
Thereafter, he walks to his seat.
Dean wraps his arms around Nolwazi and
they share a long hug.
My phone vibrates and I check the
message.
Derek: I don’t understand why I have to
sit here. You’re too far for my liking.
I chuckle. When and how did he even
send this message, considering that he is
sitting in the front?
I look at him and he sulks.
Nomvuyo: I want my husband.
People want their people. Dean and
Nolwazi got us in our feelings.
Nolwazi and Dean hold hands and sit on
the two chairs placed for them. The priest
smiles as he looks at them.
The vocalist finishes off the song and we
all sit.
Little Star is busy pulling this wig, and I’m
five to smacking her chubby ass.
Priest: We are gathered here to unite
Dean Langelihle Hlongwane and Nolwazi
Camill-
Dean clears his throat loudly and the
priest looks at him worriedly.
Is Dean going to stop the wedding?
What’s happening?
Dean: It’s Dr. Dean Langelihle Hlongwane.
Are you kidding me?
Everyone laughs and the priest nods.
Priest: Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen…
We are gathered here to unite DOCTOR
Dean Langelihle Hlongwane and Nolwazi
Camille Dumakude in marriage.
The priest looks at Dean with a raised
eyebrow and Dean nods.
Yhu, Dean is the worst.
Priest: Their decision to marry has not
been entered into lightly and today they
publicly declare their private devotion to
each other. The essence of this
commitment is the acceptance of each
other in entirety, as lover, companion, and
friend. A good and balanced relationship
is one in which neither person is
overpowered nor absorbed by the other,
one in which neither person is possessive
of the other, one in which both give their
love freely and without jealousy.
Nomvuyo looks at me and chuckles.
Priest: Marriage, ideally, is a sharing of
responsibilities, hopes, and dreams. It
takes a special effort to grow together,
survive hard times, and be loving and
unselfish.
For the next ten minutes or so, he goes
through bible verses and preaches. Once
he’s done, he asks Nolwazi and Dean to
stand.
Priest: Do you both pledge to share your
lives openly with one another, and to
speak the truth in love? Do you promise
to honor and tenderly care for one
another, cherish and encourage each
other, stand together, through sorrows
and joys, hardships and triumphs for all
the days of your lives?
Nolwazi and Dean: We do.
Priest: Do you pledge to share your love
and the joys of your marriage with all
those around you, so that they may learn
from your love and be encouraged to
grow in their own lives?
Nolwazi and Dean: We do.
Priest: May these rings be blessed as a
symbol of your union. As often as either of
you look upon these rings, may you not
only be reminded of this moment, but also
of the vows you have made and the
strength of your commitment to each
other. Dr Dean, please repeat after me...
Everyone laughs.
Priest: I, Dr Dean Langelihle, promise to
love and support you, Nolwazi, and live
each day with kindness, understanding,
truth, humour, and passion. With this ring
I thee wed.
Dean takes Nolwazi's hand, repeats vow,
gifts ring, places ring on Nolwazi's finger.
Priest: Nolwazi, please repeat after me… I,
Nolwazi, promise to love and support you,
Dr Dean Langelihle, and live each day
with kindness, understanding, truth,
humour, and passion. With this ring I thee
wed.
Nolwazi takes Dean's hand, repeats vow,
gifts ring, places ring on Dean's finger.
Priest: Now, I would like to make a public
announcement, just in case you start
thinking that I’m an incompetent person
for this role… Dr Hlongwane has given me
strict instructions to not give any of you
the right to come out should you have a
problem with this union. He has asked me
to read this note…
The priest gets a piece of paper from the
podium and opens it.
Priest: If any of you are against my union
with Nolwazi, then now is not the time to
express your unsolicited opinion, in fact
we’re not interested. Lwazi and I are
getting married, and if any of you even try
to stand and cause a scene right now, I’m
afraid I’ll do some regrettable things in
front of the priest…
We all laugh.
Trust Dean to do such. He is such an idiot.
Priest: Dearly beloveds… I have no right
to go against Dr Hlongwane’s wishes,
therefore, none of you will be given the
opportunity to speak up should you
believe these two should not be together.
We continue laughing.
After a while, we settle down and there’s
silence.
Priest: Go on no-
Out of nowhere, this child I’m holding
starts blabbing very loudly.
Haibo, guys. I try to shush her, but she
continues. Now she’s busy saying dada…
very loudly. Now everyone is looking at
me. I’m not sure if they’re judging me or
what. Is there a formula that keeps your
child quiet when you’re in serious
settings? Eish, I try shushing her, but she
continues blabbing away.
Priest: I guess someone couldn’t keep
their opinion to themselves…
Everyone laughs and I sigh. This is the last
thing I need right now. I’m supposed to be
invisible, and Liyakha is outchea
embarrassing me.
Dean and Nolwazi look at me and laugh.
Little Star continues speaking her
language.
Out of nowhere, Derek walks to me and
takes her. She quietens down as he walks
back to his seat. She’s now nuzzled in his
arms. I want to disappear.
Priest: That is one chatty baby…
Everyone laughs and I roll my eyes.
Priest: Now… as I was saying…
We all focus.
Priest: Go now in peace and live in love,
sharing the most precious gifts you have-
the gifts of your lives united. And may
your days be long on this earth.
The priest smiles.
Priest: I now pronounce you husband and
wife. Dr Dean Langelihle Hlongwane, you
may kiss the bride, Nolwazi Camille
Dumakude. Nolwazi will not change her
surname. I am with her there. I’m not
planning on letting go of my surname,
especially because Derek’s surname is not
even “his…” There are too many
complications here.
Anyway, Dean wraps his arms around
Nolwazi’s waist and they share a very
long kiss.
I sigh in relief.
I’m glad that nothing has happened so far.
So far so good.
*** Side Note: The priest’s Wedding
Ceremony Script is taken from the
following website:
http://ravieandchelseaswedding.blogspot
.com/…/wedding-cerem…
INSERT 247
Derek takes my hand and leads me into
the house while carrying a very happy
Little Star.
We get to Liwa and Nomvuyo’s room.
He puts Star on the bed and wraps his
arms around me.
Derek: I was going crazy.
I laugh.
Me: Nkanyezi, it wasn’t even an hour.
He sulks and presses me harder against
him until I feel his erection.
Heyiii!
Makunyiwe once!
We both glance at Liyakha, who is looking
at us so innocently, that I have to stop
myself from picking her up and kissing
her.
Derek: Surely 5 minutes won’t kill her?
I laugh as I pull him to the bathroom and
we don’t shut the door completely,
because she’ll start crying.
I live for these random quickies with
Derek! Even though they leave me
wanting more, I’m always excited to
sneak away with him…
As he’s pounding me senselessly, Star
starts crying.
Yhu, uzoba strong. We have bigger things
to worry about right now.
I’m five to paradise right now, and Derek
is going faster.
Just as I squeal, we hear voices. The next
30 seconds confuse the shit out of me.
Out of nowhere, Nomvuyo is busy yelling
my name and Liwa is laughing, Little Star
is still crying her lungs out. Derek quickly
shuts the door and he cums first… I follow
shortly after and groan in defeat. I just
want to lay on a bed like a lifeless chicken
and have him do things to me while
taking his time. I’m thoroughly horny,
man…
Me: That wasn’t enough…
He plants a kiss on my lips and fixes my
dress.
When he opens the bathroom door, we
find Nomvuyo and Liwa there. Nomvuyo
is comforting Star.
Nomvuyo: You filthy whores!
Liwa is looking at us, clearly amused.
Star rests her head on Nomvuyo’s neck
and sobs quietly.
Hai suka, she must stop being so
possessive and dramatic.
Within minutes, she’s asleep.
Nomvuyo: You should be ashamed of
ourselves!
Me: Oh, please… What exactly brought
you here in the first place?
Nomvuyo rolls her eyes.
Derek takes Star from Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: You can take her to Zimi’s
bedroom.
Me: No. Sly will kidnap my child.
She laughs and nods.
Nomvuyo: Hambani ke. Liwa and I need to
talk.
Me: Mxxxm!
I follow Derek out of the bedroom and he
takes my hand and leads us out of the
house.
I need to find Dean and give him a big
hug. He's finally married!
We bump into my parents and my mom
insists on holding Liya. Derek gives her
the sleeping Mini Petty.
Mom: How beautiful was that?
Me: I was sobbing from start to finish. It
was really beautiful.
Derek holds my hand and my mom
smiles.
Mom: I'm sure you can't wait to marry my
baby.
Derek: Definitely. I had to stop myself
from fetching her and joining those two.
Dad: I would smack you. You know very
well that you're both not ready.
Yoh, uDerek wabantu waswaba.
Me: We’ll see you around.
Mom: Shap, baby.
We walk off and Derek continues sulking.
Derek: He didn't have to be so mean.
Me: Askies… Do you think I should
apologise to Lwazi for what Star did?
Derek: Don’t be ridiculous. If she's
affected by a baby being a baby then she
needs to check herself.
Me: Hmkay.
Shame, he’s obviously touched by my
father's words.
We find Dean and Nolwazi talking to a
few people. Dean stops talking and opens
us his arms so I can squeeze him.
Me: Yaaas!
He squeezes me back.
Me: I'm so happy for you guys.
We let go of each other and I hug Nolwazi
as well.
Me: How are you?
Nolwazi: Ecstatic!
She is beaming.
Me: I’m glad everything is going well.
She is smiling from ear to ear.
Derek and Dean share a hug.
Nolwazi: Where’s Star Junior?
Me: With me mom.
She laughs.
Nolwazi: Such a firecracker. She’s worse
than Simo.
Me: So embarrassing.
Nolwazi: She’s a child. Dean and I were
expecting Simo to cause drama.
Me: I chuckle.
Nolwazi is pulled by one of her friends
and I focus on Dean.
Dean: You okay?
I nod.
Me: I have to find Tholi.
Dean: Shap.
I walk away and look around. I can’t spot
her.
I call her and she answers.
Me: Tholi, where are you?
Tholi: The bathroom.
Me: Which one? This place is huge?
Just then, Mdu and I spot each other. He’s
standing with Ivy. Tholi tells me where
she is and I walk to Mdu.
Mdu: Where is she?
Me: I’m going to fetch her.
Ivy: Ziyanda, you are at my sister’s
wedding yet you have the audacity to
disrespect me.
I walk away and make my way to one of
the bathrooms. I knock and she opens.
Me: And then?
Tholi: I don’t want to be the cause of any
drama.
Me: You won’t, Tholi.
She sighs.
Me: You need to stop hiding from your
problems. You and Mdu created a
fairytale knowing very well that there
would backlash. Manje are you planning
on hiding forever?
She looks down.
Me: Are you going to hide your twins
forever? Come on, Tholi.
Tholi: No.
Me: Then buckle up and own up to your
shit.
I take her hand.
Me: Let’s go.
Tholi: I think I need a drink.
I shake my head.
Me: You know you can’t have alcohol.
She grunts and we make our way outside
and go to the bar. I get myself another
mojito and Tholi gets a virgin one.
Me: Ivy tried testing me, but I walked
away. Yazi I’m really growing up. It took
everything in me not to smack her.
Tholi giggles.
Me: That girl is a bully. Don’t allow her to
make you feel like a child.
Tholi: She’s too much.
We continue chatting till everyone heads
to a big table that has cake pops. Each pop
has a guest’s name and table number. I
mean… I need to start my own event
company yazi…
Tholi panics as soon as she realises that
she’ll be sitting with the family.
Me: You’ll be fine… You’re probably
sitting next to me.
I also dislike the fact that I’m with the
family, but it’s not like I have a choice. I’m
just glad that Nomvuyo will be there.
We walk to the other side of the yard and
go to our table. We’re the first ones to get
there. I quickly look around to try check
who we’re with.
Me: You’re sitting next to me. Nomvuyo is
sitting next to Ivy, so she’ll regulate her.
Tholi groans as she sits. I sit next to her
and finish my mojito, then one of the
bartenders, takes my glass and I ask for
another one.
After a few minutes, Derek walks to our
table and plants a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: You good?
Me: Yep, you?
He nods.
Me: Are you over my dad’s comment?
Derek: Can’t be mad at him.
I chuckle and he looks at Tholi.
Derek: You look gorgeous, Tholi. Tholi
blushes profusely.
Tholi: Thank you.
Mdu walks to the table and kisses Tholi.
Mdu: Chubby Cheeks.
Tholi: Hey.
Mdu: I’ve missed you.
He sits next to her and showers her with
kisses until she tells him to stop.
I focus on Derek.
Me: Are you okay?
Derek: Is it weird that I want to leave and
go to sleep?
I chuckle.
Me: This is me we’re talking about. I
totally understand.
Derek: I’m becoming anti-social like you.
Me: And I’m becoming social.
He groans and we continue chatting until
everyone takes a seat.
Our table has the following people: Tholi,
Mdu, Thandeka, Dumakude, Lindelwa,
Liwa, Nomvuyo, Ivy, Derek and myself.
When Dean and Nolwazi walk in, we all
stand and clap. They look like lovestruck
teenagers.
Nolwazi has changed and she looks more
relaxed.
I personally wish I was sitting with my
parents. It looks like they’re having fun
there with Gabi. Zimkitha is sitting that
side as well. Part of me understands why
she’s being side-lined, but it’s a bit sad. I
know she wants to be close to her sons.
I usually sit next to Nomvuyo or Dean
when we’re together, so this feels a bit
strange. I miss the shady whispers… Now,
I have to constantly make sure that Tholi
is fine (poor girl looks like she’s about to
collapse). Dean and Nolwazi are sitting in
between Ivy and Derek. Nolwazi is sitting
next to Ivy, and the twins are next to each
other.
Dean: Liwa, go do your thing, please.
Liwa: Am I not stepping on anyone’s toes?
Dean: No, go.
Liwa stands.
I’m confused.
Derek gets closer to my ear.
Derek: Sly is the MC.
I frown.
Sly is a wedding planning, a hoe, and an
entire MC? Shuu, what a woman!
Derek: But Dean wants none of that, so
Liwa will be the MC.
I sigh in relief.
Why would I want to sit here and listen to
someone who doesn’t respect the
principle of marriage, preach about
marriage? Sly can miss this gig shame.
Nolwazi: Will you be able to do it, Liwa?
Liwa chuckles.
Liwa: This is me we’re talking about,
Lwazi.
He walks away and we watch as he takes
the mic. Sly walks to her seat and I laugh
to myself. Derek is also laughing.
The waiter brings my mojito and I
continue drinking in peace.
I guess this wedding will definitely be
drama-free. I’m very relaxed at this
point…

INSERT 248
Liwa: Good afternoon, everyone.
We all greet him back. He definitely looks
better than he was earlier. He's back to
being his usual jolly self.
I glance at Derek.
Me: Did you talk to him?
He shakes his head.
Me: How is the vibe?
Derek: He’s respecting my need for space.
I nod and focus on Liwa again. Chile, I
know how Derek can get when he's a little
pissed, so I'm not about to trigger that
shit. He already looks like he's over the
wedding a bit. He really is becoming anti-
social.
Liwa looks good up there. I'm sure
Nomvuyo’s inner thighs are pulsing.
Liwa: Some time last week, my daughter,
Nyami, wanted to know what it's like to
be married. I immediately told her to
leave me alone and she was initially
shocked. However, we've taught her to
respect other people's need for space, so
she did what I told her… leave me alone…
But when she left me alone for a while, I
went to her and asked why she was
ignoring me…
We all laugh.
Liwa: It's such a strange thing… You find
yourself wanting your space, but at times
when you're given the space, you end up
missing your partner and feeling like a
child when you're apart…
I give Derek a look and he chuckles. Liwa
is definitely dragging him.
Liwa: From my observations though, it's
the man that usually ends up sulking and
regretting the space… My friends are
probably the clingiest men you'll ever
find, in a cute way though, not the creepy
way. Nothing we do is creepy. We are
adorable… I know most you are used to
men that don't particularly like you,
they're just dating you to pass time, so
you don't really understand what I'm
saying.
My jaw drops. Haibo, the shade?
Everyone laughs.
Liwa: My friends are very much attached
to their partners. It's unfortunate that I
can't hook them up with some of you
ladies, because they're all lovestruck… We
become puppies for these women… well,
except Malusi, of course… Yhu!
I laugh a little too hard at that one.
Liwa points at Malusi.
Liwa: Ladies, you can have this one… he
has selective memory when it comes to
his relationship…
Heyiii!
I am finished! Draaag him, Liwa!
Nandi is laughing a little, but I know that
shit hurts. Uzoba strong shame. Liwa is
clearly going to roast people today.
Liwa: Anyway, I would like to introduce
our first speaker…
He clears his throat.
Liwa: I am personally afraid of him… He
probably slices raw meat with his nails…
I look at Dumakude, and he is chuckling.
Liwa: When this man walks in the room,
all of us scramble… I sometimes wonder if
he has friends…
Dumakude continues chuckling.
Liwa: Ladies and gentlemen, The one and
only, Dumakude…
We all clap as Dumakude makes his way
to the front and Liwa gives him the mic
and stands away from him. Liwa is such a
fool.
Dumakude greets us and we greet back.
Dumakude: Liwa, I will deal with you
later… I'll let you have your moment…
We all chuckle.
He becomes serious.
Dumakude: Raising a daughter in this day
and age is honestly the toughest role I
have ever had… When I was growing up,
things were different. Our mindsets, in
particular, were very closed-off. I must
admit that it's been a challenge to unlearn
my understanding of parenting. We grew
up thinking our parents were somewhat
Gods, that what they set the rules, and we
had no right to question them. Our
respect came from fear more than
anything…
This is about to be a free parenting lesson,
and I'm here for it. Lord knows my
childish ass needs it.
Dumakude: We had no say in the house.
We had no power to make choices that we
felt were good for us. We had to ask for
permission every step of the way. We had
to keep our feelings to ourselves, because
we were children. Even when we were
older, we were reminded that we were
still children, therefore, we mustn't get
carried away. It was like prison. One
wrong move, the consequences would be
very heavy… I can safely say that while
my parents were alive, I had never heard
them apologise for anything. In their eyes,
they were never wrong. Even when I was
hurt by something they said or did, I had
to convince myself that I was being
dramatic, and that I was imagining their
wrongdoings.
Thank God my parents are not like that.
Dumakude: When I had my own children,
I found myself behaving the same way as
my parents. However, Nolwazi fought for
her rights. Mdu came out as stubborn as
me, and Nomzamo... well... Ivy is Ivy…
Everyone laughs. I try not to roll my eyes.
Dumakude: I remember when Nolwazi
was still a child, I had shouted at her for
something she did. I was very harsh that
day. That night, when we were having
dinner, she stopped eating and looked at
me seriously. She was 11 years old. I don't
think I'll ever forget that day. She looked
me dead in the eye and said the following:
“Dad, I understand that you're older than
me and you're my parent, but I didn't like
the way you spoke to me. Yes, I was
playing with the stove, but I don't like
how you shouted at me. I didn't, and still
don't, know that I'm not allowed to play
with the stove. Next time, please give me
clear instructions, and I will try my best to
follow them. Just don't shout at me for
something we didn't include in the house
rules.”
Everyone chuckles.
Dumakude: My first instinct was to beat
her. I wanted to beat her thoroughly, so
she would never speak again. I was so
angry at myself for even taking her to a
private school, because I was convinced
that she learnt all that nonsense at school.
Thandeka is the one who had to calm me
down and make me understand the
importance of that moment. Unlike me,
Nolwazi found her voice, and was
confident enough to make me realise that
I needed to check myself…
He continues speaking.
Dumakude: From that point, I had to
unlearn most of the things I inherited
from my parents…
He sighs.
Dumakude: Nolwazi has become a
powerhouse, and I pride myself in her. I
always prayed that she would find
someone who is not intimidated by her
success. Someone who would compliment
her, and be confident enough to stand
next to her proudly… I'm afraid she has
found someone whose confidence is a
little over the top. God definitely
answered my prayers…
We laugh.
Dumakude: Dean is something… He is
arrogant, very arrogant…
Haike, he mustn't come for Dean. He's
also an arrogant man.
Dumakude: However, he knows that there
is a time and place for arrogance... In a
way, he is just like me… I've accepted that
we're similar in many ways, that's why
we clash most of the time.
He smiles.
Dumakude: These two love each other.
Their story is quite heartwarming. Dean's
timing may have been sketchy, but his
love for my daughter is unquestionable.
He never fails to make it known that he is
all about Nolwazi. I'm not worried about
my daughter, she's in good hands.
Aww, how sweet.
Dumakude: My prayer is that you both
make mistakes and learn from them as a
team. There's no such thing as hierarchy
in a marriage, according to me. Your wife
shouldn't be silenced just because you
think you're the head of the family. If you
ever try that with my daughter, I will
fetch her myself…
He smiles.
Dumakude: None of us are perfect. You
both need to understand that you're
human, you're bound to mess up and hurt
each other, but you should always be
intentional about solving your problems.
If you feel like you can't solve the problem
yourselves, you should consult a neutral
mediator, and if it means seeking
professional help, then do that. If both of
you still want to make it work, but don't
have the right tools to fix things, then you
must actively look for those tools. As long
as both of you still want to be together,
then you'll be able to make it through the
dips.
Shuu, I feel like he's speaking to me
directly. I'm touched.
Dumakude: And don't forget to give each
other space. Just because you're married,
it doesn't mean you have to be in each
other's spaces 24/7. It's always good to
take a step back and be by yourself at
times, as long as you talk about it.
Disappearing randomly is not okay. You
always have to talk to each other, explain
your feelings to each other… Never get to
a point where you think your partner
knows you and what you're thinking. That
will never be the case. You may finish
each other's sentences, and know how to
make each other happy, but you will
never have the power to know what your
partner is thinking or feeling, unless they
tell you. Don't ever make assumptions.
Communication is important. There's
nothing as counterproductive as the silent
treatment, especially if it takes place
without an understanding of why it's
taking place. Talk to each other. When
you don't want to talk, tell each other.
Don't ever make assumptions.
We all clap. Yhu!
Dumakude: Nolwazi, I love you. I'm very
happy for you. Everything you went
through makes sense now. Your
experiences were preparing you for this
phase in your life. This is when you get to
sit back and soak it all in. You deserve to
be happy.
Aww, guys. He's getting emotional.
Dumakude: Dean, I know we have a
strange relationship, but I want you to
know that you have a father in me. I can't
thank you enough for providing a safe
space for my baby. I wish you two all the
best.
We all clap as Dumakude walks to Dean
and gives him a hug. Thereafter, he hugs
Nolwazi.
I'm such an emotional mess.
Derek is now holding my hand.
Hai, guys, love is beautiful. When you find
“that” person, and everything just make
sense, consider yourself blessed.
Liwa clears his throat and we focus on
him.
Liwa: A husband and wife had been
married for 60 years and had no secrets
except for one: The woman kept in her
closet a shoe box that she forbade her
husband from ever opening. But when she
was on her deathbed—and with her
blessing—he opened the box and found a
crocheted doll and 95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a
happy marriage was to never argue,” she
explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet
and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll
was in the box—that meant she’d been
angry with him only once in 60 years.
“But what about all this money?” he
asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made
from selling the dolls.”
We all laugh.
Liwa is such a fool.
He continues telling us corny jokes and I
drink away, trying not to pounce on
Derek and dry hump him. Tholi also
seems a bit relaxed next to me.
INSERT 249
I feel Derek’s lips on my ear.
Derek: You’re tipsy.
Me: I am?
He nods and I groan.
Derek: Drink some water.
He pours some water for me and takes my
mojito. Phela I told the waiter to keep
them coming back to back. I’m sure I’ve
had five mojitos since we sat here.
I watch as he finishes my mojito and
frowns.
Derek: It’s so strong, Ziyanda.
Me: Stop judging me.
He chuckles and plants a kiss on my
cheek. We’re about to be served our food
now. A bitch is hungry. Liwa comes back
and sits. I start clapping for him and
everyone at our table joins me. I feel like a
proud mother. He’s doing amazing!
I look at Derek and he leans closer to me.
Yazi, I’m so glad that I have a man that
understands that I love gossiping, and he
takes my non-verbal signals very
seriously.
Me: Can you imagine Sly MCing?
He chuckles.
Me: I’m sure she’d be encouraging us to
cheat and not let marriage cockblock us.
He laughs.
Derek: We’d end up having an orgy. We
laugh and continue making fun of her.
At least I don’t have to worry about this
one Deaning on me. I ain’t engaged to no
snitch.
***
I walk to the other table to check on my
parents. They are having a good time this
side, even Star is awake and smiling.
Me: Hey.
Mom: Hi, baby. How are things that side?
I grunt and she laughs.
Mom: Dumakude’s speech was sweet.
Me: It was.
I look at my dad.
Me: You hurt Nkanyezi’s feelings.
Mom: I told him he has to apologise. That
was not nice.
My dad chuckles.
Dad: Derek needs to stop taking himself
so seriously.
Me: You know he’s sensitive.
Dad: Uzoba strong.
Me: Anyway, how are things this side?
Mom: As you can see, we are having a
good time, and you are disturbing us.
Me: Hehe!
Mom: Go sit with your family, sisi. Even
Liyakha is having fun with us.
I laugh and make my way back to my
table.
Ivy: Mdu, you really brought that
homewrecker here? Haibo! Is this the
moment?
We all stare at Mdu. The vibe instantly
changes.
Mdu: As you can see, I am here with Tholi.
Tholi’s face is completely red. She
probably wants to run away.
Mdu: Mom, Dad… You’re the only ones
that are not aware of this, but we’re in a
relationship.
There’s silence.
The other tables have no idea ukuthi
ziyabuya la. They’re chatting and laughing
happily.
Mdu: I know this is not the time nor plac-
Dumakude: You are absolutely correct.
Now, shut up.
Whoa!
Mdu tightens his jaw.
Dumakude: Now is not the time nor place
to discuss your stupidity.
Haibo, guys!
Mdu: There’s no need for you to insult me.
Mdu is very stupid right now! Why is he
starting a fight with his father? Dumakude
will whoop his dumb ass, and I will gladly
enjoy the show.
Dumkaude looks at him coldly, but Mdu
doesn’t seem fazed.
Mdu: Tholakele and I have been together
for a while. We’re approaching three
years soon.
Yhu.
Mdu: I’m not asking for anyone’s
permission.
He is doing this the wrong way. Why is he
being so dramatic? No one is fighting him.
Thandeka: Who are you talking to like
that?
He keeps quiet. Dumakude excuses
himself and walks away.
Nolwazi: Mdu!
Mdu: What? Dad needs to stop thinking
I’m 10 years old.
Thandeka: Mduduzi!
Mdu: I’m tired of him thinking he can rule
our lives. We are adults now.
Dean: Mdu.
Mdu looks at Dean.
Mdu: This has nothing to do with you.
Dean: You weren’t saying that when you
were running to us for help.
Mdu hisses.
Tholi stands and rushes out.
Thandeka: What has gotten into you?!
How dare you address us like that?!
Mdu: Stop being dra-
I stand and grab his arm.
He tries pushing me away, but Derek also
stands.
Me: You’re being unnecessary.
I pull him and he stands. He walks away
and I follow him- I’m sure Derek is also
following us.
We make our way inside the house and I
look at him in shock.
Me: What the hell is wrong with you??
Mdu: I’m tired of being judged.
Me: Manje that means you have to do the
most at your sister’s wedding?
He groans.
Me: You shouldn’t have spoken to your
father like that. That was disrespectful!
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: You need to fin-
Just then, Dumakude walks in. Before we
can even process his presence, he smacks
Mdu and leaves us stunned.
Mdu loses his balance and Dumakude
looks at him coolly.
Kanti where is Derek? Now is the perfect
time for him to intervene. What if these
people start having a physical fight?
Mdu rubs his chin and looks at his father
angrily.
Dumakude: Do you need another
reminder?
Mdu shakes his head.
Dumakude: Good.
They stare at each other.
After a while, Mdu walks away. Why
would he leave me with this man?
Dumakude looks at me and I try to look at
him as well.
Dumakude: My wife tells me you used to
date Mdu.
I clear my throat.
Dumakude: Why didn’t your relationship
work out?
Hai, what’s happening?
Me: Too much toxicity.
He nods.
Dumakude: I would have loved to have
you as a daughter-in-law.
I have to stop myself from vomiting.
Dumakude: Did you know about
Tholakele?
Me: Yes.
He doesn’t say anything.
I guess this is the perfect time to advocate
for her.
Me: Tholi’s not a bad person. She’s been
through her struggles, and she’s still
trying to move past her PTSD. Mdu has
provided a safe space for her. I think she
deserves a chance.
Just then, Derek walks in and I sigh in
relief.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Yes.
He takes my hand and looks at
Dumakude.
Derek: Mam’Thandeka is looking for you.
Dumakude nods and walks away.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Did he come for you?
Me: He’d never.
Derek: Good.
He wraps his arms around me and we
share a kiss.
Me: What the hell was that?
He chuckles.
Derek: Poor Tholi almost passed out.
Me: How is she? Did you check on her?
Derek: She’s fine.
We walk out and make our way back to
our table.
The tension is deep this side.
Derek and I sit and have our own
conversation. I swear being in a
relationship is nice sometimes. Bheka
manje I have someone to talk to despite
the shit that’s taking place right now.
Nolwazi stands and walks away. Dean
looks unhappy.
Dean: Ivy, why would you even bring this
up right now?
Ivy: The problem is that fat pig next to
him. She’s the one-
Tholi: Shut up, Ivy!
Heyiii, Derek and I instantly stop chatting.
Tholi: I am sick and tired of your
disrespectful mouth! You are constantly
saying hurtful things to me, as if I’m a
child. If you don’t like me, then you can
keep your distance the same way I have.
I’m tired of taking your insults!
Heyiiii! Standing ovation! Standing
ovation!
I must be dreaming!
Mdu looks like he has seen a ghost.
Tholi: You will no longer insult me. I
know you hate me, because of the hurt
I’ve brought to your family, but you don’t
know the full story. You have never
bothered to ask what truly happened.
Nolwazi and Dean know what happened.
I’m sorry, but if Nolwazi understands,
then I’m sure you can also find it in your
heart to understand.
Shook!
Ivy: You think I want to have a
conversation with you? You broke my
sister’s heart!
Tholi: And I’ve apologised for that.
What’s happening? What happened to
Tholi?
Ivy: If you think I’ll ever be civil with you,
then you have another thing coming. You
and Kwanele are fucked up.
Tholi sighs.
Tholi: I’ll give you your space.
Ivy: You’re not welcome here. Hamba
vele.
Tholi stands.
Mdu: Tholi, you’re not going anywhere. If
anyone has a problem with you, then they
should leave. Tholi keeps quiet.
Mdu: I’m tired of hiding you.
He makes her sit and looks at his family
seriously.
Mdu: We have a lot to be grateful for.
Tholi and I are happy, and nothing you
say will change things.
Ivy: This is ridiculous.
Me: No, you are ridiculous. You keep
thinking your bluntness is cute. No one
wants to hear your rude opinions.
Ivy: Of course you have to say something.
You freak out when things aren’t about
you.
Me: You know every well that you’re the
entitled and attention seeking one here.
The only problem is that no one cares
about what you have to say.
She looks at her parents.
Thandeka looks defeated.
Me: Today is supposed to be about your
sister, but here you are throwing a
tantrum, because you’re not willing to
accept things that have nothing to do with
you.
Tholi: All I ask is that you stop insulting
me. I’ve had enough.
Ivy stands and walks away.
Liwa: Uhm, Dean, you should probably
check on Lwazi.
Dean also stands and walks away.
Thandeka: We need a quick meeting.
Mduduzi, woza.
Thandeka, Dumakude and Mdu stand and
also walk out.
I’m sure people are wondering what the
hell is happening… I look around and
realise that they’re too busy chatting,
eating and drinking. I’m sure they don’t
think anything hectic is happening.
Nomvuyo: Kodwa-
Me: Nomvuyo, not now. Ivy needs to grow
the fuck up. Stop defending her nonsense.
Nomvuyo keeps quiet and shrugs.
I look at Tholi and smile.
Me: Bitch.
She giggles and takes a sip of her juice.
Nothing beats that feeling when you
finally find your voice. It’s even better
when you also find the courage to use
your voice.
I’m happy for Tholi!

INSERT 250
Things have been awkward since Tholi
put that little heffer, Ivy, in her place.
Mdu, Nolwazi, Dean, Thandeka and
Dumakude are still not back. Clearly
they’re having an intense family meeting.
Me: Aren’t you going to check on Dean?
Derek: Angizingeni.
Tholi: Maybe I should leave.
Me: You’re not going anywhere. Ivy must
leave if she has a problem with you.
Liwa: Can’t we have a normal day without
drama?
We all sigh.
Just then, my phone rings and it’s Dean. I
answer.
Me: Hey.
Dean: Please come to the guest house.
Me: Why?
Dean: Just come.
He ends the call and I look at Derek.
Derek: Can’t people solve their problems
without you?
I groan.
Derek: I’m starting to regret introducing
you to these people…
We both stand and make our way to the
other side of the yard, into the
guesthouse.
We find Dean there.
Me: Where’s Nolwazi?
Dean: In the bathroom.
Derek: What’s the way forward?
Dean: She’s not listening to me.
Derek: What’s wrong with her?
Dean: You idiot, were you not present
when that shit took place?
Derek: It’s not that deep, really. Am I the
only one who was expecting such to
happen? Ivy has always made it clear that
she wants nothing to do with Tholi. Did
you all think things would miraculously
change?
Dean: I don’t need your negativity.
Derek: Nolwazi needs to get out of that
bathroom and fix her makeup. She can’t
lock herself up the whole day.
Yhu, what has gotten into Star?
Dean looks like he wants to punch Derek.
I’m sure he was expecting him to lick his
wounds.
Derek: It’s not that deep. We’ve been
through worse. Nolwazi must get it
together.
With that said, he walks out nonchalantly.
Dean: I’m going to punch him.
Me: I mean, he’s sorta kinda right. We all
knew this was going to happen.
Just then, Nolwazi walks out of the
bathroom, looking sad.
Me: Hey…
Nolwazi: This is the worst day of my life.
I keep quiet.
I’m tipsy. I don’t have it in me to be Iyanla
right now.
She throws herself on the couch and huffs.
Dean: Nolwazi, do you want me to cancel
everything and ask those people to leave?
Nolwazi looks at him in shock.
Part of me wants to walk away, but
ngithanda izindaba, so I want to witness
this tiff.
Dean: What do you want? If you’re okay
with locking yourself in here, then I’ll go
tell the guests to fuck off.
Nolwazi: Excuse me?!
Dean: What did you expect? Ivy always
causes drama!
Nolwazi: So now you’re blaming me??
Dean: I’m not blaming you for someone
else’s actions. I just don’t understand why
you want to wallow in self-pity. It’s our
wedding day, for fuck’s sake. Ivy’s antics
shouldn’t stop us from celebrating this
day.
Nolwazi stares at him.
Dean: Onc-
Me: Okay, the harsh words are
unnecessary.
Dean looks at me angrily.
Me: Nolwazi, you have to get it together.
The Ivy and Tholi thing was bound to
happen. At least the drama was only
witnessed by us. Everyone else is still
having a good time- they didn’t see
anything.
She sighs and looks at Dean sadly.
Nolwazi: I’m sorry…
Dean nods lightly. He’s still angry. I think
he’s angry at her for reacting so
dramatically (I’m the most qualified to
identify a fellow dramatic person).
Nolwazi: I’m sorry, Dean. I’ve been acting
like a child.
Dean: It’s okay.
Nolwazi: I know you’re still angry.
She stands and sighs.
Nolwazi: Ziyanda, please get Sly.
Haibo, is she crazy? She knows I don’t get
along with her friend.
Before I can say anything, Dean gives me
a look and I nod begrudgingly. I then walk
out and close the door.
This has got to be the strangest wedding…
Thankfully, I bump into Sly.
Me: Nolwazi is calling you. She’s in the
guesthouse.
I don’t even give her the chance to
respond to me. I walk back to our table
and ask the waiter for another mojito. I
don’t want to be sober at any point of this
wedding.
Derek is also drinking now. I guess he’s
over everything.
Derek: Is Nolwazi done crying?
Me: Ngidi!
He grunts.
After a few minutes, the whole family
walks back and people ululate and cheer.
Nolwazi looks much better, but Dean still
has his grumpy face. Ivy is MIA and I think
that’s good, we don’t need her negativity!
Liwa: Okay, I understand that we’ve just
experienced a tense moment, but can we
all get it together? This is supposed to be
the happiest day of your lives, but you’re
so miserable…
I feel bad for Dean. He was really looking
forward to this day, but even the weeks
leading to the wedding were dramatic. It’s
clear that he has checked out.
At this point, I need me some alcohol. I
can tell that Dean has genuinely checked
out- he’s over everything. Ngapha Derek
also seems disinterested. I guess they are
twinning. I miss my child now. I stand and
go to the other table. I take Star from my
mom and shower her with kisses. I’m
going to steal her, because I know she’ll
spread some positivity on our side.
Mom: How are things that side?
Me: Yoh, aku-tense!
I tell her what happened and she
chuckles.
Mom: I’m glad I’m not there. I’m too tired
to deal with your drama.
Me: I came to take my child.
I leave as she’s laughing at me.
I get back to the table and take a sip of my
drink. Star looks around and her eyes
land on Dean. She says his name and
starts bouncing. I’m hoping she’ll lighten
up his mood. Derek takes her and gives
her to Dean, who smiles. Children can
sense when things aren’t okay, and they’ll
try to cheer you up in their own unique
ways.
Liwa: Are you guys ready?
The plan was that Liwa would introduce
all of Dean and Nolwazi’s loved ones and
they would speak and wish them well, but
now it seems like no one is in the mood.
Kunzima.
I glance at Nolwazi, and I can tell that she
is not 100%. I’m sure she’s now worried
about Dean zoning out. She glances at me
pleadingly and I take a sip of my drink.
Angizingeni. Yazi had things not went
down the way they did before the
wedding, my ass would be working
extremely hard right now, trying to fix
this mess. I would have called everyone
aside, let them shout and scream at each
other, and then facilitated a deep nyana
talk… Thereafter, once everyone had said
their peace, we would all come back here
feeling lighter and better. Right now, the
tension is still hectic, because people
haven’t really expressed how they truly
feel about the Tholi and Mdu situation
(excluding Ivy, of course), because they’re
obviously considering the wedding. If I
was in my Iyanla zone, I would have
stopped at nothing to make sure that
Nolwazi’s wedding goes well, and that we
find more effective ways of dealing with
glitches. But, I’m not in my Iyanla zone.
Nolwazi said some shady shit about me,
therefore, I am not planning on involving
myself in any of this. As much as I want to
call Dean aside and tell him to snap out of
it, I don’t want to offend anyone. Nolwazi
will have to deal with her grumpy
husband by herself. I’m also dealing with
a grumpy baby daddy.
I look at Derek and chuckle. He has a
resting bitch face right now. He’s mean,
this one. I don’t understand why he has
lost his patience, because in this group,
drama is a thing.
Liwa: Is everyone ready to speak? I’m
about to go to the front. Eish, as much as I
want to be a bitch, I’m struggling right
now. It’s not nice seeing these people
grumpy like this…
I clear my throat and they glance at me.
Me: I know this is not exactly the right
place to have an intense conversation…
However, the tension is a bit too much,
that I’m afraid we can’t really move on
until we have addressed it properly.
Dumakude: What do you propose?
Me: You all speak to each other briefly.
I look at Mdu.
Me: Can we all agree that the manner in
which you brought up your relationship
was rude?
Mdu tries saying something.
Me: Just acknowledge that you could have
introduced Tholi in a more respectful
way. Your sister’s wedding wasn’t a smart
move.
He sighs and and nods lightly.
Mdu: I’d like to apologise to all of you.
He looks at his parents.
Mdu: I should have sat you down a long
time ago. Tholi and I are deeply in love. It
was never planned, it genuinely happened
unexpectedly. I’ve been keeping this a
secret for so long, that I get defensive
whenever I feel like she’s being judged or
attacked. I don’t want to get into the
whole story now, but I apologise for
disrespecting you.
Thandeka: You know we are reasonable
people. You are making it seem like we
would have cut you out of our lives and
resented you for following your heart. I’m
really not happy with how all of this
unfolded, and I don’t appreciate how you
disrespected us. However, I am willing to
hear both of you out once Nolwazi’s
wedding is over.
Mdu nods.
Dumakude: We’ll speak after the wedding.
Okay, I guess he’s not about to engage in
my therapy session. Go figure.
Mdu: I’d also like to apologise to Nolwazi
and Dean. I’m sorry for ruining your day.
I’m really sorry. He looks at his sister
pleadingly and she shrugs.
Nolwazi: I should have known that such
would happen. It was my responsibility as
your big sister to ensure that you tell
mom and dad about your situation. I
should have known… I don’t have any
hard feelings…
She looks at Tholi.
Nolwazi: I apologise for my sister’s
actions. I think her pr-
Derek: Stop making excuses for her.
Haibo, uDerek ungenwe yini?
Derek: You have allowed allowed that girl
to disrespect you, and now she thinks she
can disrespect everyone she comes
across. We’re tired of dealing with her
unfiltered mouth.
Maria Josefa.
Tholi clears her throat and we all look at
her.
Tholi: I accept your apology, Nolwazi. I’d
al-
Me: Dean?
I’m not about to let Tholi apologise to
anyone. She didn’t do anything wrong.
She must stop feeling guilty for shit that
she didn’t cause. Mdu was supposed to
introduce her properly. Nolwazi should
have pushed Mdu to introduce her
properly. And Ivy should not have
attacked her like that. Tholi didn’t do
anything wrong. She’s been respectful
from the beginning.
Me: Dean, would you like to say anything?
Dean: I’ve said my peace.
Me: Alright then-
Derek: Nolwazi, aren’t you going to
apologise to Ziyanda?
I look at Derek sharply. Is he drunk?
We all look at him.
Derek: I find it ironic that the person you
were convinced was going to cause drama
is the one actively trying to avoid it…
There’s an awkward silence. Nolwazi
clears her throat and looks at me.
Nolwazi: Thank you for pushing us to
communicate. I also apologise for
everything I said before the wedding.
Me: Sure… Now, can we move on without
the tension?
They all nod.
Liwa: Zizi, you are exceptional! Thank
you!
He smiles at me.
Liwa: A toast?
He asks one of the waiters to pour
everyone champagne.
Liwa: Thank you.
He looks at us and we raise our glasses.
Liwa: To family, friends, love, and most
importantly, forgiveness…
I gobble it up and focus on my very strong
mojito.
We ask Liwa to delay his MCing for a
while, just so we can eat.
Everyone seems to be in a better place,
because the conversations are flowing.
I look at Derek and he looks at me
blankly.
Me: Grumpy much?
Derek: If I don’t defend you, who will?
Yhu, my thighs twitch immediately.
Me: Let’s go pee.
He chuckles as we stand and make our
way inside the house.
Me: Why are you being so mean to Lwazi?
Derek: Something is off about her. I don’t
know if it’s the wedding stress, but she’s
doing the most. Me: So what were you
saying about defending me?
Derek: That it’s my duty?
Me: Aha.
Derek: And that I won’t tolerate people
making you the bad guy?
Me: I’m listening.
He steps closer to me.
Derek: Or how I will always have your
back?
Me: Go on…
He chuckles as he wraps his arms around
me and plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Enough talking…
***
When we return to our table, Sly is
delivering a speech.
Derek and I laugh quietly as we sit.
Sly: Lwazi and I have been friends for
many years…
I feel Tholi nudging me and I snap out of
it.
Tholi: Behave.
I roll my eyes and she giggles quietly.
Derek and I have been whispering shady
things to each other during Sly’s speech.
He has become my partner in crime. I’m
glad we both don’t like Sly, otherwise he’d
be reprimanding me for being shady.
Once she’s done, everyone cheers and
claps.
Liwa: Thank you, Slindile.
He continues talking.
At this point, I’m there between very tipsy
and drunk. Derek has stopped me from
drinking, so now I’m only allowed to have
water. I won’t lie, things are a blur. I don’t
even fully recall the moment Nolwazi and
Dean spoke and thanked everyone for
coming.
People are now drinking and dancing. The
vibe is very positive now.
Me: Star, let’s dance.
He gives me a look and I huff.
Nolwazi is dancing with her friends.
Everyone else has also left the table. It’s
just the three of us seated: Dean, Derek,
and I.
I go and sit next to Dean. He’s now
between Derek and I.
Me: Hey.
Dean: Hello.
Me: You’ve been awfully quiet.
He shrugs.
Me: Everything okay?
Dean: Yep.
I eye him suspiciously.
Dean: Udakiwe.
Me: Just a little.
He looks at Derek.
Dean: Can we talk?
Derek: Sure.
They both stand.
Me: Uhm, what’s happening?
Dean: Not everything needs your two
cents.
Me: Rude! They chuckle as they walk
away, leaving me all alone. I ask the
waiter to get me another mojito.
I sit there and watch as people enjoy
themselves. I mean, it’s a great wedding. I
now have to deal with my wedding FOMO,
because I’m suddenly thinking of ideas
and shit.
My wild thoughts are disturbed by my
phone ringing. I answer it without
checking the caller id.
Me: Hello?
I am shook when I hear Zweli’s bold
voice- Dean and Derek’s father.
Zweli: I am on my way to my son’s
wedding. Why was I not invited?
Me: Excuse me??
I sit up and look around as if he’s already
here.
Zweli: It’s about time I talk to my sons…
Me: You are not wanted here.
Zweli: I will see you soon, daughter-in-
law.
He hangs up.
I immediately stand and look for the
twins.
I find them in the house, in one of the
rooms. They seem to be having an intense
conversation, and I'm not even going to
try to ask what they're talking about.
They stop talking as I walk in.
Me: Before you call me nosy… I thought
I'd let you know that I just got a call from
Zweli.
They stare at me blankly.
Me: Zweli. Your biological father.
They don't say anything.
Me: Guys, he says he's coming here!
They're still nonchalant.
Me: Did you hear me?!
Derek: Let him come.
Me: What are you going to do?
Dean: You worry too much.
I look at them strangely. What has gotten
into them?
Dean: Now, can you excuse us?
Me: If any of you even try to involve me,
kuzonyiwa.
They chuckle and I roll my eyes.
I walk out and close the door.
Derek better tell me later what they were
discussing, because it seems intense.

INSERT 251
I make my way to Zimkitha.
Me: Zweli says he's coming!
Her eyes immediately pop out.
Zimkitha: What?!
Mom: He says he's coming here?? To the
wedding??
I nod nervously.
Zimkitha: Did you tell Derek and Dean?
Me: Yes. They don't seem to care.
Mom: Oh no… Derek will be the first one
to beat him up.
Dad: Where are those two?
Me: In the house. My dad nods and stands.
Zimkitha is already dialing a number on
her phone.
Mom: Are you calling him?
Zimkitha is now fuming.
Mom: Zimi, you need to calm down.
She is already walking away.
My mom kisses Little Star.
Mom: Yazi this family is too much for us.
Me: Is it too late to run?
Mom: No, we can run away with Liyakha
and block our phones. Me: Where should
we go?
Mom: We’ll have to leave your father. He
can be an annoying man sometimes. I
think he enjoys being with Dean and
Derek more than enjoys being with us.
We both laugh.
Mom: Woo, the twins would be miserable
without you.
I roll my eyes.
Me: They are tiring. I’m sure it’s not too
late to find another man that will tolerate
my craziness.
Derek: Yoh, Ziyanda.
I turn and squirm when I see him there.
Derek: You want another man?
Me: I mean…
He wraps his arm around me and kisses
me.
Derek: I thought I make you happy.
Me: Partly. He sulks and I also wrap my
arm around him.
Me: Love you.
He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Mom: Where is Dean?
Derek: He’s with Mr Dlamz.
Mom: Those two are extremely close.
Derek: Dean is obviously trying to steal
my side of the family. He must go bond
with Dumakude.
My mom and I laugh.
Mom: So, your father is on his way…
He shrugs and I look at him closely, trying
to figure out how he’s feeling.
Mom: How do you feel?
Derek: I’m okay. I’m over this wedding
and this day.
Mom: Nkanyezi, I’m asking about your
father.
He shrugs again. He obviously doesn’t
want to discuss this.
Mom: Manje, why are you over your
brother’s wedding?
Derek: Unnecessary drama.
Mom: I’m just glad it didn’t involve my
child.
Derek: Ziyanda is never the cause of
drama. People just find ways to include
her in their shi-
He clears his throat.
Mom: Say it… In their shit, vele.
They chuckle.
Me: I miss Dean. Let me go check on him.
Derek lets go of me and takes Star from
my mom. Thereafter, he sits next to her
and I leave them. I make my way inside
the house and find Dean and my dad
talking.
This time, I refuse to leave. I feel like
something is being hidden from me, and
my nosy ass can’t take it. Maybe I should
persuade Dean with my sisterly tactics.
Dad: Ziyanda, how are you, baby?
Me: I’m okay.
I’m drunk.
Dad: Hmkay…
He stands and walks out. As soon as the
door is closed, I stare at Dean and cross
my arms.
Me: What’s wrong with you??
Okay, I guess the alcohol in my system is
going to make it hard for me to try and act
cute and persuasive.
I sit next to him and he looks at me
amusingly.
Dean: Did Derek tell you that you’ll be
planning another wedding for Lwazi and
I?
Me: Huh?
He chuckles.
Dean: This is not how I imagined my
wedding to be. We need another one.
Me: Yoh, okay.
Dean: I’m fine, Ziyanda.
Me: You’ve checked out.
He shakes his head.
Dean: I’m fine. Let’s go, I need some
alcohol in my system.
I look at him suspiciously and he stands
and pulls me up.
Dean: Let’s go.
I stop him from walking and try my best
to look at him seriously.
Me: Dean, your father is coming. Why are
you guys so nonchalant?
Dean: That man is the least of my worries
right now. If he wants to come, then he
must come. He will get the welcome he
desires.
I sigh.
Me: You’re being weird.
Dean: It’s all in your mind.
He smiles and walks out. I follow him and
close the door. It’s clear that I’m going to
be left in the dark.
When we get outside, people are legit
having a great time. They’re singing,
dancing and drinking. Good for them,
ngoba thin’ abanye we’re not really
having a great time.
Nomvuyo: You’ve abandoned me.
Me: Go to your best friend, Ivy.
She rolls her eyes.
Nomvuyo: Come give me some sugar.
We share a hug and get drinks.
Me: Where’s Tholi?
Nomvuyo: She’s with Nolwazi’s mother. I
saw them getting in the house.
Me: I’m sure that will be a good
interaction.
Nomvuyo: That poor girl has been
through enough.
Me: So you agree that Ivy was being
unnecessary?
Nomvuyo: I never defend Ivy. I just have a
better understanding of her.
Me: Mxm.
Nomvuyo: Like YOU always say, there’s
always a valid reason/reasons behind
people’s actions.
Me: No, don’t try to twist my words. Yes,
there’s always a reason behind people’s
actions. However, when you say the
reason is valid, then you’re making it
seem like the behaviour should be
excused. What I always say is that there’s
always a deeper explanation behind our
actions, BUT that doesn’t mean we are
exempt from being held accountable for
those actions.
Nomvuyo sighs.
Nomvuyo: No one bothers to truly get to
know Ivy. There’s a lot you don’t know.
Me: And I have no desire to get to know
her. I don’t care how messed up your life
is, there’s no reason for her to be crass
24/7. She takes rudeness to another level.
Nomvuyo: But-
Me: Vuvu, let’s not talk about Ivy. If
there’s one thing that has the potential to
make us fight, it’s her. Let’s drop it.
She nods and sips her drink.
Nomvuyo: Anyway, where are the twins?
Me: They’re around here.
Nomvuyo: This has been an awkward
wedding. They should have waited for the
tension to settle for a few weeks.
Everyone’s emotions are still all over the
place.
Me: I agree.
Nomvuyo: Hopefully nothing else
happens. The Ivy thing has dampened
everyone’s vibe.
I decide not to tell her about Zweli. We
will see how that unfolds later.
***
I honestly have no idea when I got this
drunk, but whoa, ngiphelile.
Derek: Maybe we should go.
Dean looks at him sharply.
Derek: What? It’s not like we’re enjoying
ourselves.
Dean: Mxm.
Derek chuckles.
Dean: Ziyanda, go take a nap. Yazi as
much as I want to fight him, my ass really
needs to regain my strength. I wasn’t
tracking my alcohol intake, as a result,
ngiphelile.
Derek: Let’s go to the house.
It’s now around 3pm.
Derek and I go to the house and into one
of the guestrooms.
As soon as my head hits the pillow, the
drowsiness hits. The only problem is that
I don’t want to sleep. I want to be awake,
just in case Zweli arrives. I have a feeling
Derek might need some taming.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: Are you really falling asleep?
I shake my head and he chuckles.
Derek: I won’t leave you alone.
He shouldn’t vele. Next thing Sly sneaks in
and steals my underwear, and I end up
losing my clit or one of my butt cheeks.
I smile when I feel Nkanyezi next to me. I
rest my head on his chest.
Me: Wake me up in 10 minutes.
Derek: Hmkay.
***
All I remember is zoning out.
***
When I wake up, and don’t find Derek
next to me, I immediately panic.
I quickly put on my shoes and just as I’m
about to rush to the door, Derek emerges
from the bathroom.
Derek: And then?
I sigh in relief.
Me: Oh… You’re here.
I sigh again and he looks at me amusingly.
Derek: Where did you think I was?
Me: I don’t know…
I look at him.
Me: What were you and Dean talking
about?
He frowns.
I’m still drunk.
I’m sure I don’t look as good as I looked
earlier, but I don’t even care.
Me: Nkanyezi.
Derek: Baby.
Me: What were you talking about?
Derek: When?
Me: When I found you guys here.
Derek: Nothing deep. I was just checking
on him.
I look at him suspiciously and he smiles.
Derek: Are you ready to go out?
Me: Can I drink again?
Derek: No. I want you wide awake. I have
plans for you tonight.
Me: Yaas!
He takes my hand and leads the way out.
When we get outside, people are still
enjoying themselves. It’s now around
4pm.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Yes?
Derek: When is our wedding?
I shrug.
Me: We’re still recovering from the past
few months, Derek. We haven’t really
healed from what happened.
He groans.
Me: This Zweli situation is too much.
As we walk to the backyard, my phone
rings.
Me: It’s him.
Derek: Zweli?
I nod nervously as I look at him.
He tries taking my phone, but I manage to
hold on to it. Thereafter I answer.
Me: Hello?
Zweli: Daughter-in-law… I have arrived…
Who does this man think he is? God? Does
he expect the world to shake now that he
has graced us with his presence?
I’m angry. I’m glad he’s here, because I’ll
definitely give him a piece of my mind!
Before Derek can even stop me, I’m
already walking to the other side of the
yard- to the gate.
When I get there, I find a really fancy car
driving in. I hope that full panty of a wife
is with him, because she also deserves to
be dealt with! How is she okay with living
with such an egotistical personality?
When they get out of the car, I legit have
to two step.
This man looks exactly like Dean and
Derek. He is just older. Probably in his
60s… As much as I don’t like him, I must
admit, he looks good for his age.
Zweli: Ahh, there she is!
He laughs boldly as he walks towards me,
with his wife, who looks like she’s in her
30s. Why am I not surprised that he’s
with a younger woman?
When he gets to me, he smiles proudly
and rubs his chin.
Zweli: Hello, dear.
I don’t know what’s going through my
mind right now.
He tries hugging me, but I take a step
back.
Out of nowhere, Zimkitha emerges and
walks straight to us.
Zimkitha: Get out of my house.
Zweli: Zimi…
He stares at her almost admiringly.
Zweli: Zimi… How are-
Zimkitha: Get out!
Vicky: Zimkitha, I thin-
Zimkitha shoots her a look and she
immediately shuts her mouth.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Zimkitha this
angry. She looks like she is ready to kill
someone.
Zimkitha: Get ou-
Just then, Dean also pitches out of
nowhere and walks towards us.
There’s a deep silence.
What is he going to do? What is he going
to say? Yoh, my heart can’t take it!
Seeing him a bit close to Zweli is creepy,
to say the least. This is his father- his
biological father. And he’s only meeting
him for the first time right now.
Zweli stares at him for a long time…
Zweli: My son…
Zweli smiles.
Is this man crazy? How can one be so
delusional and pompous?
Zweli: I finally get-
Heyiii uDean wayifaka inqindi!
I think none of us were ready for that,
because we all just stood there as Zweli
collapsed and zoned out.
Dean looks down at him calmly and then
looks at Zimkitha.
Zimkitha tries speaking but words fail
her.
Haibo, is Zweli okay? I’m concerned,
because that punch was earth-shattering!
Dean: That should bring him back to his
senses.
With that said, he takes my hand and
literally pulls me away from the scene.
Me: Dean!
He ignores me.
We eventually get to the guest house and
find Derek and my parents there.
Me: Dean!
Derek: Everything okay?
Dean nods and sits.
Mom: Is he here?
Dean: Yes.
I need a drink. I feel like I’m completely
sober right now and that’s not good.
As I’m about to walk out, Derek pulls me
aside.
Me: Derek, I just need-
As soon as I see the look on his face, I
keep quiet.
Derek: I know I’ve been acting indifferent
about this whole thing, but the truth is,
I’m not fine.
He looks at me pleadingly.
Derek: I need you. I nod.
Me: I’m not running away. I just need a
drink.
Suddenly, I want to vomit.
Yhu, my emotions are all over the place.
I’m nervous!
I go to the bathroom and Derek follows
me. He has suddenly become the clingy
Derek that can’t separate from me when
he’s faced with a hectic situation.
He watches as I vomit and doesn’t even
pull a face, like he normally does- that’s
how I know he’s really not okay. I think
he’s also afraid.
I rinse my mouth and step closer to him.
Me: I don’t know what’s going to happen,
but you know I’ll be right by your side.
He smiles and nods.
As he plants a kiss on my lips, he groans.
Me: What?
Derek: Stinky.
I push him away and dig for bubblegum in
my pockets… We continue to thank God
for dresses with hidden pockets...
When we walk out, hand in hand, we find
Nolwazi there as well. She looks worried.
I guess they’ve just told her abou Zweli.
Nolwazi: So are you going to have this
conversation here and now?
My dad sighs.
Dad: He insisted on coming… We’ll see
where this meeting takes us. We should
avoid causing a scene, and we should also
consider that this is not the right time and
place.
Nolwazi sits next to Dean and takes his
hand. He doesn’t react.
Derek and I sit next to each other, and I
have to stop him from squeezing the life
out of me.
Just then, the door opens, and Zimkitha
walks in first.
Vicky follows him, and then Zweli walks
in after everyone. He looks proper shook.
I guess Dean’s punch may have humbled
him a bit.
My dad stands and closes the door. After,
he turns and looks at Zweli seriously.
Dad: Have a seat…
I can literally feel Derek’s body heating
up, and I’m praying he continues to stay
sane…

INSERT 252 (Unedited and Short Insert)

I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.
What’s going to happen? What is Zweli
going to say? Most importantly, how are
the twins going to react?
My dad clears his throat and we all look at
him.
As I’m sitting here, looking at this man, I
can’t help but feel sick.
Why are we entertaining him? This man is
a rapist! It genuinely just hit me now that
this monster took advantage of Zimkitha,
and impregnated her! Why are we sitting
here, trying to have a conversation with
him? Is it fair to Zimkitha, most
importantly? Surely he’s a trigger, and I
know for a fact that I would never want to
sit next to my rapist and have him laugh
to my face boldly as if what he did was
okay!
Suddenly, I’m the one heating up, and
Derek can sense it, because he pulls me
closer and caresses me.
Zweli doesn’t deserve to have a dignified
conversation with any of us. What he did
to Zimkitha was despicable, and I think
it’s not fair for him to think he can parade
around our space with no worries. He’s a
rapist!
Zweli: Well-
Dean: Did you really think we would sit
here and welcome you with open arms?
What’s happening?
Dean: You are not going to address any of
us. Who the hell do you think you are?
My dad clears his throat and we all look at
him.
Dad: Unfortunately, you do not have the
privilege of being respected and listened
to. Your manhood was stripped off the
second you decided to sexually abuse a
woman.
Oh my goodness, my body immediately
cools down. Why do I suddenly want to
cry? My dad is not about to entertain a
rapist!
Dad: We’ve been trying to figure out how
to best deal with you. Do we lock you up
and torture you ourselves? Do we hand
you over to the police and open a case?
Dean: The bottom line is this… You do not
deserve anyone’s attention. You raped
Zimkitha and took advantage of the fact
that her parents weren’t emotionally
attached to her. You took advantage of
her circumstances, because you knew she
wouldn’t speak up.
Dean takes a deep breath.
Dean: We have to live with the fact that
we’re a product of sexual abuse. Our
biological father is a rapist.
There’s a long silence in the room.
Suddenly, we all realise that this might be
the moment Dean breaks down since this
whole thing was revealed.
Dean: You have the nerve to walk in here
proudly… Who the fuck do you think you
are?
Zweli seems shocked.
Dean: Zimkitha has had to hide this from
everyone… She has had to love us
regardless of the fact that we remind her
of the violation she experienced because
of you.
The tension is sickening.
Dean: All these years, you’ve been living a
great life, and now you want to come
disrupt our lives?
Zweli: Who says I raped Zimkitha?
We all sit back and listen to him try to
justify his nonsense. Very typical.
Zweli: Zimkitha enjoyed every moment of
it!
My mom even had to walk out from
disgust. I’m certain that Zweli reminds
him of my rapist. That man even had the
audacity to say my vagina was wet, so
clearly I was enjoying it.
Zweli is a trigger. If I feel like this right
now, then how the hell is Zimi feeling?
This man needs to leave ASAP. I don’t
know what the plan for the future is, but
he needs to leave! Zimkitha obviously
hasn’t developed the confidence to deal
with him, because she hasn’t said one
word, and she looks like she is about to
collapse.
Vicky is also another one who looks like
she is about to pass out.
So she didn’t know about Zweli’s true
past?
Dean: If you think any of us want you in
our lives, then you are truly fucked up. Let
this be a warning, if you ever try to
contact any of us, moving forward, then I
will kill you.
Dean is truly Zimkitha’s son. There’s
something thug-ish about them noLiwa.
Now I’m very interested in Dean’s history.
I feel like he may have done a few shady
things to his enemies, like his mother…
Gosh, Derek better not be shady, because
I’m not about to be a mob wife.
Derek clears his throat and everyone
stares at him.
What is he going to say?
His moments of silence scare me, because
I never know what’s going to come out of
his mouth once he finds his voice.
Derek: This has been eye-opening for
me…
He stares at Zweli.
Derek: I thought I was going to beat you
to a pulp, but now that you’re sitting here,
I realise you’re not worth it. More than
anything, you have revealed just how
ignorant and insensitive you are. You will
never acknowledge the hurt you've
caused, and it’s not our responsibility to
put it through your thick skull
Okay…
Derek: This is the first and last time I’m
addressing you. Like Dean said, if you try
to contact any of us, then that we will
have a serious problem.
He then shifts and sits up so he can stare
at him properly.
There’s a fierce silence.
Derek: Reach out to Ziyanda again, and
you’ll regret it. Yhu, is he also a gangster
of some sort?
He then takes a deep breath and looks at
Zimkitha.
His mood shifts. We can all sense it.
Derek: Zimkitha, I don’t know how you’re
able to sit here and not breakdown…
He sighs.
Derek: Something tells me it’s because
you love us so much, that you think Dean
and I need this interaction for our
healing…
Zimkitha tears up.
Derek: I’m sorry for not trying to
understand your part… Yes, I was coming
to terms with everything, but you
definitely deserved and still deserve more
empathy. You took it upon yourself to not
have an abortion, and I’m still trying to
wrap my head around that. You still
managed to love us even when it didn’t
make sense for you to do so.
He sighs.
Derek: If I didn’t know it before, then I
genuinely know now. You really love us,
and not even the trauma you experienced,
because of this pompous thing, was
enough to let you discard us.
Zimkitha wipes her tears.
Derek: From today onwards, I’m going to
actively try to re-establish our
relationship. Knowing that you went
through so many obstacles just to ensure
that we were safe, makes me disregard
everything else.
Zimkitha immediately sobs.
Derek stands and goes to comfort her.
Liwa, who is standing in corner, with his
arms crossed, is expressionless.
How in the world did I forget about him?
Zimkitha is his world! What is going
through his mind right now as the man
who caused her so much pain is sitting
here, clearly not giving a shit.
Vicky stands and looks down at Zweli.
Zweli stands sheepishly. Where is his
boisterous laugh now?
Before he can even take a step forward,
Liwa is already on him!
For once, I’m not trying to break up a
fight. Zweli’s old ass needs a good beating,
and Liwa is thoroughly sorting him out.
Even my dad is not stopping him.
Vicky tries screaming, but Nomvuyo
warns her.
Nomvuyo: Ngizokunyisa.
Vicky immediately shuts up.
We are all just sitting here, watching a
magnificent case of ass-whooping.
How glorious!
Once Zweli is unconscious, we all stand.
Dean: I guess you beat me to it.
I chuckle. This idiot still has time for
stupid puns.
Liwa is not finding any of this funny.
Nomvuyo takes him to the bathroom…
My dad looks at Vicky.
Dad: As his personal assistant, please
ensure that he leaves as soon as he wakes
up.
Yaas! Spicy much?!
As we’re about to walk out, Mdu, Tholi,
Thandeka and Dumakude walk in.
Mdu: What the hell is this man doing
here?! Who invited him here?!
We all look at him strangely.
Ukhuluma ngani lo?
Thandeka: Mdu says Tholi’s father is here.
I wanted to meet him, and give him a
piece of my mind! Tholi told me
everything!
Huh? Are they okay? What are they even
talking about? Where’s Tholi’s father?
Dean: You must be mistaken.
Tholi looks down at Zweli and blinks a
few times.
Tholi: This man is my father.
What’s happening?
We’re all just looking at them in
confusion.
I’m genuinely lost.
Mdu: His wife reached out to us some
time last year. ‘
We continue looking at him in confusion.
Mdu: To cut a long story short, tests were
done and he really is Tholi’s father.
Jehova!
Zimkitha looks at Tholi.
Zimkitha: Zweli is your father?
Tholi nods lightly.
Tholi: I don’t really know him though.
We are all stunned.
Nolwazi: Wait… Wait a minute… This man
is also Dean and Derek’s biological
father…
Dumkude: What?
There is complete silence.
Everyone in the room processes this.
What the hell??
Nolwazi: This means Tholi is related to
Dean and Derek…
She looks at Dean and then Derek,
Nolwazi: Tholi is your sister…
Dean immediately bursts into laughter.
At this point, I am beyond amazed that I
also can’t help but laugh.
Soon, everyone else is laughing expect
Tholi, Mdu, Thandeka and Dumakude.
They have no idea what’s happening.
Yhu, I thought I had seen and heard it all!
INSERT 253
It’s been a few minutes since we all found
out that Zweli is Tholi’s father as well.
I still don’t have a clue how the hell this
happened, and I have a lot of questions.
I’m confused.
Derek walks out of the guesthouse.
I want to follow him, but I also want to
stay here to find out what the hell is
happening. If Derek is breaking down
right now, his timing is off. I want to ask
questions!
I walk out and find him standing a few
meters away.
Me: Need space?
He shakes his head. I walk closer to him. I
decide to be quiet and let him vent if
that’s what he wants.
He chuckles and shakes his head lightly.
Derek: I apologise for putting you through
this.
Me: Your family needs a reality show.
Derek: Our family?
Me: Hai, we’re not married yet. I’m not
claiming you and your people.
He chuckles and wraps his arms around
me.
Derek: We deserve a holiday.
Me: Just the two of us?
Derek: And Star.
Me: I can tolerate her.
Derek: Don’t come for my child.
I sigh.
Me: So, Tholi is your little sister?
Derek: I’ll address that another time. My
brain is still processing it.
I nod.
Derek: I want to leave. Can we leave?
Me: I don’t know. Is the wedding over?
Derek: It was over before it began.
Me: Let’s go then.
I take his hand and we walk back to the
guesthouse and find everyone sitting in
the lounge. Zweli is now awake and
looking a tad traumatised.
Derek: We’ll see you all another time.
Thandeka: You’re leaving??
Derek: This has been a horrible wedding.
Ziyanda and I are exhausted.
Hai, uDerek! Just like that??
They all look at him as if he has just
slapped each and everyone of them.
Dean stands.
Dean: See you around.
They share a hug and Dean looks at me.
Dean: Shap.
Me: Bye.
Derek: Nisale kahle.
I walk to the bedroom where my mom
had placed Star. She is fast asleep. I
carefully take her and make my way to
the lounge.
Me: Bye, everyone.
They all say bye and I walk out alongside
Derek.
Free at last!
I’ll call Tholi later and ask her to come
over for lunch or something.
***
Derek and I have been in the house for an
entire week.
The plan was to go to Mpumalanga, but
Liyakha has a cold. There’s nothing as
painful as seeing a baby in pain, even
worse when that baby is yours. All I want
to do is hold Little Star and take her pain
away. She’s not her usual chirpy self,
instead she’s always moaning and
sobbing.
Anyway, she’s getting better by the day,
and I’m getting fatter by the day. I need to
get back to work and do something with
my life. I miss being in the classroom. I
miss being around lots of children and
being asked millions of questions all day. I
love Derek and Liya, but I also love my
career.
I go to Derek’s study and find him typing
away.
Me: What are you up to?
Derek: Just responding to work emails.
Me: Can we talk?
Derek: Sure, give me a minute.
I nod as he finishes what he’s doing. After
a while, he puts his laptop aside and looks
at me amusingly.
Derek: What’s up, baby?
Me: I want to go back to work.
He nods.
Me: As much I like staying at home and
being with Little Star all the time, I don’t
think I’m meant to live like this. I need
some activity in my life.
Derek: Baby, who stopped you from
working?
I roll my eyes.
Derek: The past few months have been
emotionally, mentally and physically
taxing for us.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: We’ve had to deal with a lot of
traumatic shit…
Me: At least we’re working on things.
He nods.
Derek: I don’t take your presence in my
life for granted. You know that, right?
Me: Ditto.
He smiles.
Derek: Tell me what you need.
Me: I need to go back to work.
Derek: What else do you need?
Me: All my other needs are taken care of.
Derek: Good. So, what do you need from
me specifically?
Me: I need you to give me my job back.
He smiles widely.
Derek: You want to come back to our
school?
I nod.
Me: I haven’t forgotten how messy the
staff is. You need me, Ngidi.
He laughs.
Derek: Is that all?
Me: For now.
Derek: Good.
Me: My weight is getting out of control.
Derek: Is it?
Me: I’ll just blame it on my meds.
He chuckles.
Derek: That sounds more like a You
Problem.
I roll my eyes.
Derek: Sishada nini, Ziyanda?
Me: Uh… Angazi.
Derek: Do you still want to marry me?
Me: It depends…
We chuckle.
Me: Let’s wait for the dust to settle. We
also still need to deal with our demons.
Derek: We’re getting there, you and I.
Me: Definitely.
Derek: Come give me a kiss.
I stand and walk to his side of the desk,
then we share a kiss.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Derek: When would you like to get back
to work?
Me: I’ll send you an email.
He chuckles and plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Okay, Ms Dlamini.
He spanks my ass as I walk away from
him and give him his space.
Now, I can start doing lesson plans and
getting my resources ready… I couldn’t be
happier!
***
I haven’t spoken to Dean since his
wedding.
Yazi, after the Nolwazi thing, I’ve been
trying to keep my distance. I don’t think
I’ll ever be fully comfortable around them.
Anyway, I miss his arrogant ass.
It’s been two weeks. Last time I checked,
they just came back from their
honeymoon. I hope the vacation has
calmed Nolwazi down, and made her go
back to her usual cool self. Insecure
women scare me. I’ve been in her position
before, but I managed to do all the work,
and I realised that I was my own worst
enemy. I hope she’ll eventually get over
how her previous marriage made her feel.
She can’t get into another marriage with
baggage from her first one. That’s unfair…
Heck, this is why I’m not rushing to get
married to Derek. Listen, me and this man
still have a long way to go, but at least
we’re actively trying to better ourselves
as individuals and as a couple. Our
sessions with Melinda are setting us up
for success to some extent. We
communicate more effectively…
Anyway, I miss Dean.
I decide to call him.
Dean: Hello.
Me: Hey, how are you?
Dean: You care?
Me: Excuse me?
Dean: I haven’t heard from you in weeks.
Me: I was giving you your space.
Dean: Did I ask for space?
I groan.
Me: Anyway, I miss you. We haven’t met
up in a while.
Dean: You miss me?
Me: Bhuti, angijoli nawe. Do you want to
meet up with me or what?
He chuckles.
Dean: I’ll pick you up in a few minutes. I
was actually on my way there.
Me: Shap. We can get ice cream.
I end the call and get ready. Little Star and
I could use some fresh air.
Derek is at work, so I’ll see him later.
***
Me: How was your honeymoon?
Dean: It was really good.
Me: I’m sure Lwazi is pregnant.
Dean: Wouldn’t mind.
Me: You want another one?
He nods as he kisses Nkanyezi.
Me: Hmkay.
Dean: How have you been?
Me: I’ve been good. The past two weeks
have been chilled.
Dean: Derek tells me you refuse to go on
holiday.
Me: It’s not that. Star was sick.
Dean: She has grandparents.
Me: Hai, I wanted to take care of her.
He shakes his head lightly. I think I’m
subconsciously scared of going on
vacation with Derek. Shit never ends well.
Me: How have you been?
Dean: Good, I guess.
Me: Your wedding was a little dramatic.
Dean: Best wedding ever.
We chuckle.
Me: No, seriously, how are you? I felt bad
for you.
Dean: I’m okay.
Me: So now we’re being dishonest?
He sighs.
Dean: I hated every second of that
wedding.
Me: You can still have another one...
He shrugs.
Dean: Nolwazi and I weren’t in a good
space.
Me: Even when you left for your
honeymoon?
He nods.
Dean: But, we ended up talking. We were
honest with each other.
Me: Utheni?
Dean: I was slightly turned off by her
insinuating that my relationship with you
is a threat.
I keep quiet.
Dean: She questioned my love for her, and
for me that has always been a deal
breaker.
Me: What did she say?
Dean: We had a back and forth, but she
finally realised the extent of the
insecurities caused by her previous
marriage. I also promised that moving
forward, I’ll play my part in helping her
get over those insecurities.
Me: What part will you play?
Dean: Couples therapy.
I keep quiet.
Dean: Before Nolwazi, I dated Ntsiki. I had
to deal with her insecurities. Before
Ntsiki, I was with another woman who
didn’t trust me… Now, I have to get
married to someone who will question
my love for her for the rest of our lives
together?
I sigh.
Dean: I’m not going to distance myself
from you. She needs to work on herself,
and I’ll definitely help her. We’ve just
found out that Tholi is my sister. What
happens if we form a close relationship?
Is Lwazi going to ask me to distance
myself from Tholi as well? That’s not how
it works. She needs to deal with the root
of the problem. I can’t avoid forming
relationships with people just because
she wants me all to herself. It doesn’t
work like that. ‘
Me: How did she respond to that?
Dean: Nolwazi is very understanding. You
may think she’s crazy, but she’s a very
rational person. I hope you can look past
what she said… We all make mistakes.
Me: Haibo, what did I say?
Dean: You’re holding a grudge.
I hiss.
Dean: She is very remorseful. Don’t make
her feel like her mistake is unforgivable. I
value both of you, and I think it’s unfair
that I should deal with such tension.
Me: You’re such a baby.
He chuckles.
Me: So… Tholi is your sister…
Dean: That shit is crazy…
Me: Are you done processing the news?
Dean: I’ll call a family meeting soon.
Me: Zweli is such a deadbeat.
Dean: That motherfucker is fertile as fuck.
We both laugh.
Dean: He has children everywhere. He
said we have four other siblings. Imagine.
Me: What?!
Dean: He even has the nerve to ask us to
meet them.
Me: So he raised them?
He nods.
Me: Sies, he has no shame!
Dean: He is delusional. He should be
grateful that I haven’t murdered him.
Me: Dean, have you murdered someone?
He looks at me amusingly.
Me: I get angry… I get very angry… But
I’ve never threatened to kill someone,
because my ass knows I’d never do such…
But the way you say it, I actually believe
you.
He laughs.
Dean: You’re so dramatic.
Me: You haven’t answered my question!
Dean: I killed Ntsiki.
Heyiiiii! My eyes pop out.
Me: WHAT?!
He laughs.
Me: WHAT?!
Dean: Relax, I’m just kidding. He chuckles
and I exhale loudly.
Me: Vele, what happened to Ntsiki??
Dean: She’s living her best life in another
country.
Me: Really? Are you spying on her?
Dean: Not necessarily.
I sigh.
Me: Don’t scare me like that.
Dean: I don’t kill people, Ziyanda. I’m not
a murderer.
Me: Good. There’s nothing cute about
killing people.
Dean: And I aim to be cute…
He pouts and I laugh.
Just then, Little Star starts kicking and he
takes her from her stroller.
***
When I get back to the house, I’m feeling
slightly better about my relationship with
Dean. I’m used to speaking to him almost
everyday, so that two week silent
treatment was too much for my poor
heart. I’m glad that he’s in a better place
with Lwazi as well, because bashadile
labantu and it was disheartening to
witness the tension between them.
When I walk to the lounge, I gasp.
The whole space has been rearranged.
Me: Yay! Indoor picnic?!
Derek nods as he pours me a glass of
Storm…
A man that knows I will never let go of my
ghettoness. I had been telling him how
much I was craving Storm and he kept
laughing, but I’m glad he was actually
taking notes.
Little Star is also excited, but ke yena
she’s always excited when she sees Derek.
Me: Can I take a quick shower?
Derek: Okay.
He hands me my Storm and takes Little
Star.
Derek: I’ll give this one a quick bath in the
meantime.
Me: Perfect.
I give him a kiss and make my way to the
bedroom.
Kumnandi ukujola sometimes.
***
When I get to the lounge, I find him
dishing up for us. Little Star is chilling on
the couch happily. She needs to fall asleep
ASAP, because I’m ready to pounce on
Derek.
Me: What inspired this?
Derek: It’s been a while since I reminded
you how much I love you.
I blush.
Derek: I also want us to discuss our
wedding.
I nod.
Me: When would you like to have the
wedding?
Derek: I don’t want to push you.
I sigh.
Derek: What’s stressing you?
Me: I just don’t want us to rush things.
He nods.
Derek: Do you think we’re not ready?
I sigh.
Me: It’s not that we’re not ready… I’m just
overthinking it…
Derek: Your anxiety is freaking you out. I
nod.
Derek: You’re not questioning my love,
are you?
Me: Euww, you sound just like Dean.
He laughs lightly.
Me: I’m not questioning your love.
Derek: What will make you feel at ease? Is
there something I can do?
Me: You’re doing everything I need you to
do…
He smiles.
Me: Is there anything you’re lacking from
me?
Derek: No. You’re everything and more.
Me: You sure?
Derek: I said what I said.
Me: Okay, Nene Leakes.
I look at him seriously.
Me: I think I’m scared… I hate how deep
our fights get.
Derek: How else are we going to figure
each other out? Our journey to truly
knowing each other won’t be sunshine
and rainbows.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: I know that I’m ready to marry
you, because I’ve seen your dark side. I’ve
gotten the opportunity to come face to
face with the not so pleasant side of you,
and despite all of that, I still want to be
with you. I love you even more now,
because we’ve found a way to deal with
our demons. I’m not forcing you to be
here, and you’re not forcing me to be
here. Isn’t that enough?
He sighs.
Derek: Yes, our fights are crazy, but we’re
learning to fight in a healthy manner.
We’re both actively working on being
better people. It would be a different
story if we stuck to our toxic ways.
Me: You’re doing a good job at easing my
anxiety right now. He smiles.
Derek: I’m not going to push you. I just
want you to know that I love you, and this
relationship has made me learn and
unlearn so many things… Everyday, I
wake up, and consciously choose to be a
better person for myself, for you, for
Liyakha and Lelo… and that idiot, Dean…
I chuckle.
We sit in silence for a while.
I take a sip of my drink and stare at him.
Me: Let’s get married in September…
Spring is a great season.
Derek: Are you serious??
Me: Yep.
He exclaims and pulls me excitedly.
I guess we’re getting married in six
months…
If anyone even attempts to ruin my shit,
they’ll catch these hands, I swear…
INSERT 254 (Unedited)
It’s been a month since the wedding, and
our lives are going back to normal… well,
my life at least.
I’m finally going back to work, and my
heart can’t take it! I’m beyond excited!
It's my last Saturday as a Professional
Girlfriend.
Zimkitha is on grandma duty.
Shame, I can see that she’s trying to
reconnect with Derek, and I’m also
playing my part in helping them rebuild
their relationship.
I invited everyone over for lunch.
Everyone.
I feel like I’ll be able to control everything,
because they’re all coming to our space.
I’ll be able to check them properly if they
get out of pocket.
Liwa and Nomvuyo arrived early, because
Nomvuyo was instructed to prepare the
food by me. Liwa and Derek are slowly
getting back to a good place.
Mdu and Tholi arrive.
Tholi immediately offers to help
Nomvuyo in the kitchen. I’m glad they
enjoy cooking, because mina Dean will
drag me till Kingdom comes if he sees me
anywhere near the kitchen.
Mdu helps me set the table.
Me: How are things?
Mdu: Really good…
He looks lighter. He looks like a man
that’s not carrying secrets. He’s still a
baby bitch though. Outchea involving me
and letting me take the blame for his
problems. Nxx. This is exactly why we
didn’t work out. He stays running away
from his problems.
Mdu: Ziyanda.
Me: Huh?
I snap out of it.
Mdu: Thank you for having my back.
Me: I have Tholi’s back, not yours.
He chuckles.
Mdu: Stop pretending to hate me. You and
I will always love ea-
I push him away and continue setting the
table as he laughs.
Mdu: Stubborn ass.
Me: Futsek.
We continue going back and forth until
Tholi walks out and laughs.
Tholi: I’m starting to understand why you
guys didn’t work out.
Me: Uyadina lo. I leave them there and go
check on Zimkitha, who’s playing with her
grandchildren.
Me: Hey, Zimi.
She smiles and looks at me.
You know who Zimkitha reminds me of?
Jessica Lange’s character on American
Horror Story Murder House (Constance
Langdon). She has that mysterious vibe,
but the one thing you can never question
about her is her love for her children. You
can tell she has had to fight her way
through a lot of things, but her love for
children is raw.
Zimkitha: Is everyone here?
Me: Not yet. Dean and Lwazi are on their
way. Niki is also on her way.
Zimkitha raises an eyebrow.
Me: What's wrong?
Zimkitha: Niki? Your best friend?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Haibo, the one who is dating
Kwanele?
Me: Yep.
She looks at me weirdly.
Zimkitha: Baby, Kwanele will also be
here?
Me: I assume Nikiwe will come with him.
Zimkitha: Does Tholi know that he will be
here?
Me: Huh?
She keeps quiet and stares at me.
Me: Oh no!
It hits me.
Zimkitha: There you go… Baby, for a
smart woman, you sure can be slow at
times...
Me: Oh no! Tholi has been open about
how she hasn’t seen or spoken to
Kwanele in a very very long time! I don’t
want this to be the first time they interact.
It shouldn’t be in front of everyone! Also,
the point of this lunch is for us to spend
quality time with each other and get over
the tension experienced over the past few
months!
I immediately dial Niki’s number and she
answers.
Niki: Bestie boo.
Me: Don’t come with Kwanele!
Niki: Huh?
Me: Don’t come with him! Both his ex-
wives are here.
Niki: I wasn’t planning on coming with
him vele. I don’t want him to feel
awkward around your childish friends.
Me: Wow!
Niki: So the younger wife is there?
Me: Ya.
Niki: Good. She needs to come out of
hiding, so Kwanele can officially cut ties
with her. He’s tired of the hide and seek.
Me: They’re still married! Shit, I
completely forgot!
Niki: I’ll be there in five minutes, bye.
Me: Just don’t cause drama!
Niki: Don’t worry, I’ll go to her as a
woman.
We both laugh.
Me: Woman to woman...
Chile, I hope Tholi is ready for Niki’s
unpredictable ass.
***
Everyone is finally here. Nolwazi, Dean,
Nomvuyo, Liwa, Tholi, Mdu, Zimkitha,
Niki, Derek and I. I was going to invite
Gabi, Joe, Malusi and Nandi, but Derek
said I shouldn't, because they weren't
deeply involved in the drama. My parents
made it clear that they don’t want to be
anywhere near us. Lol, they want peace in
their lives.
We’re now seated and having starters.
Me: So, I invited you all, because I think
we need to rebuild relationships… We’ve
all been through so much, that our
relationships have been affected. I’d like
us to start working on rekindling the love
we have for each other.
Dean: How noble of you.
Me: Your sarcasm is not appreciated,
idiot.
He chuckles.
Me: I hope by the end of the day, we’ll find
next steps to improve our relationships.
Zimkitha: I appreciate this gesture,
because I need it more than anyone else. I
don't like feeling out of touch with any of
you, because you're my babies.
Dean: Hearing you that say that now is
very strange considering that we're your
biological children.
Zimkitha looks down ashamedly.
Derek: It's good to know that my mother
is not a random woman, but someone I've
been close to nearly all my life. There's
some comfort in that.
Dean: Definitely.
Me: What does this mean for your
relationship with Lindelwa, Dean?
Dean: We're okay. I'll work with her
privately to fix things.
Me: Don't abandon her. She's your mother
as well
Dean: Okay, Iyanla.
Me: No, I'm serious. Don't make her feel
inadequate now that Zimkitha can openly
say that you're her child. Remember, she
couldn't have children. You're all she has,
so don't abandon her.
Derek: She’s right.
Dean: Of course you're going to be her
suffix.
Derek: Always.
Everyone laughs.
Dean looks at me seriously.
Dean: I won't abandon her.
Me: Good.
Liwa: Ziyanda, are you really drinking
Storm?
Dean: She’s a ghetto mess.
Nolwazi: I also wanted to mention that…
Yoh, Zizi.
They all laugh.
Nolwazi needs to tread lightly. We're not
that cool yet. I’ll go sit on Dean’s lap just
to remind her not to come for me… Lol, I
kid, I kid.
Me: Leave me alone.
They continue laughing.
Nomvuyo: You can start dishing up for
yourselves.
I look at Derek.
Me: Would you like me to dish up for you,
Mr N?
Derek: What an honour, Ms Dlamini.
Me: I've got you.
I stand and make my way to the food
station. These domestic bitches really
want all out. I wish I could cook like them.
Sometimes, I want to have sex with Derek
while he's in the kitchen, but he never
allows me to disturb him. Maybe if I could
cook, he'd be open to making cooking a
sexy bonding experience. I also want him
to find me in the kitchen with my legs
wide open, ready for him to eat me as
well…Or give him head while he's busy
grilling things there… A girl can only
dream yazi… Right now, he thinks it's
hazardous for me to be anywhere near
the kitchen…
Anyway, I dish up for us.
Derek: Love the proportions.
Me: I'm not that bad, you know.
Derek: Maybe I should start teaching you.
Me: That's all I want, Star.
He laughs and plants a kiss on my cheeks.
Dean: Ziyanda, where is my food?
Me: Uyanya wena.
Dean: Tholi, you have to dish up for me.
You have to go through initiation.
Everyone laughs.
I look at Nolwazi and she seems fine.
Chile, things will never be the same.
Tholi: Okay, I'll dish up for you… Lwazi,
would you also like some food?
Nolwazi: Yes, please.
Tholi nods.
Mdu: Ngathi you're going to be a problem.
I won't allow you to-
Dean: Mdu, shut up. This is a family affair.
You're still a boyfriend… You think Tholi
won’t be able to find a stepfather across
the street?
Me: Ohhhh!
Mdu uswabile.
Me: Shots! Shots! Shots!
Tholi: Ahh, Zi…
Me: Uphapha too much lo. Dean and
Derek are the big brothers. His days of
thinking he's the big guy are over.
Yhu, Mdu keeps quiet and focuses on his
drink. Uswabe kancane. Derek must also
finish him off. Niki and Nomvuyo are
chatting away about other things. I'm
starting to feel like they're getting too
close, and I'm not involved. Very
disrespectful, considering that I'm the
foundation of their lil friendship.
Liwa dishes up for Nomvuyo and Niki.
Overall, the vibe is great, and everyone
seems to be having a good time.
As we’re eating, the topic of my wedding
comes up.
Nomvuyo: Baby, when are you guys doing
it?
Me: We haven’t decided.
Dean: I’m sure you’re the one delaying the
process.
Me: Ungenaphi wena?
Derek: We’d rather wait till we’re ready,
than have a mess of a wedding, like
someone I know…
Everyone gasps and there’s an awkward
silence.
You know, ever since Derek and Dean’s
twinship was revealed, Derek is becoming
more like Dean with each passing day. I
can’t complain though, because he’s
saying all the things I keep in my mind.
Seconds later, everyone starts laughing,
including Nolwazi.
Nolwazi: At this point, crying doesn’t even
help. Our wedding was a hot mess.
Nomvuyo: That’s what happens when you
try to avoid drama, it comes at you very
fast.
Nolwazi: Trust me, I’ve learnt my lesson.
Niki: Good. We don’t want another season
of Blame Ziyanda for Everything. Next
time, there’ll be hell to pay.
Yoh.
Nolwazi smiles sweetly.
Eish, uNiki.
Nomvuyo is smiling mischievously.
I clear my throat and they all look at me.
Me: Anyway, we haven’t decided, but we’ll
let you know once we have a date.
Liwa: Great. Manje what about lobola? I
know our family dynamic is a little
strange, but surely Bab’Dlamz is going to
make you pay?
Me: Actually, my dad doesn’t want lobola.
They all look at me weirdly.
Liwa: Why?
Me: He doesn’t want Derek to pay a
ridiculous amount, and then we end up
having a rocky start.
They all look at me in silence for a good
minute.
Out of nowhere, they all laugh loudly,
including Derek.
Me: What’s wrong?
Liwa: Has your father not figured out that
money is not an issue this side?
I look at Derek and he shrugs.
Dean: You poor people and your humility.
If I were your father, I’d suck Derek dry.
Me: Futsek!
They continue laughing.
Tholi, Niki and I are the only ones not
finding this funny.
Yazi being poor is a problem.
UNomvuyo yena angazi uhlekani ngoba
esinye isihlupheki. Usinde ngoba her
mother chose the right family to help.
Nxa.
Now I’m wondering how much money
these people have. Like, I’ve always
known that they’re well-off, but clearly I
underestimated their wealth. Derek and I
need to have this discussion. I think he’s
been downplaying himself.
Jesu, that time mina all I have is one lousy
investment account, a life policy nyana
and a retirement annuity policy set up…
Derek wraps his arm around me.
Dean: Money is not a problem for us,
Ziyanda. Tell your father to stop being
humble.
Now I’m the one oswabile.
I keep quiet.
I’m so defeated. Here I was, proud that my
father is a very considerate man, kanti all
of that will be a joke with these idiots.
They continue chatting and I drink my
Storm. . Derek kisses my cheek.
Derek: Your father and I have an
agreement.
Me: What agreement? Why don’t I know
about it?
Derek: Rela-
Me: Don’t tell me to relax. I can’t be kept
in the dark about such.
Derek: We’ll talk later.
Me: You bet we will.
He continues planting kisses on my cheek
till I relax.
Derek: Good.
He lets go of me and focuses on his plate.
***
By the end of the day, everyone’s spirits
are high, and it feels like the good old
days. Yes, we’re aware that we still have a
long way to go, but things are much
better.
Niki pulls Tholi aside, and my nosy ass
makes my way to where they’re standing.
Me: Everything okay?
Tholi already looks red. Her chubby
cheeks are flushed.
Niki: Tholi, Kwanele didn’t send me here.
You do know that I’m friends with Zi,
right?
Tholi nods.
Me: Tholz, relax. She’s not going to bite.
Tholi: I know what you’re going to say.
Niki keeps quiet.
Tholi: Please give me his contact details.
I’ll reach out to him.
Niki nods.
Niki: He’s been adamant that he doesn’t
want to disrupt your new life… I think you
two need to sit down and talk about
everything, because he really cares about
you.
Tholi nods.
Niki: Ziyanda has his number. She’ll send
it to you.
Tholi: Okay.
Niki: Thanks. It was nice meeting you.
Tholi: Okay.
Niki gives me a hug and makes her way
out.
Tholi: You have his number??
Me: Yes. What if something happens to
her? If she’s not with me or some of her
other friends, then she’s with him. It’s for
safety reasons.
Tholi: Oh… That’s good, I guess…
Me: How have you been?
Tholi: I don’t know… The past month has
been overwhelming.
Me: You haven’t even dealt with Dean…
Prepare yourself.
Tholi: He seems like a nice person.
Me: He is.
Tholi: I’m just worried about Derek. I’m
getting weird vibes from him.
Me: He’s still processing the news. He’ll
come around. She nods.
Me: Is Nolwazi’s family treating you right?
She nods and smile.
Tholi: Mam’Thandeka is amazing.
Me: Good for you. We should have a
playdate tomorrow with the kids.
Tholi: I’d love that.
Me: I’m going back to work on Monday.
Tholi: Really? That’s nice.
Me: Have you decided what you want to
do?
Tholi: Let’s catch up tomorrow. Mdu is
already throwing looks my way.
Me: Okay then. Should I come to your
place?
Tholi: Yes. I heard you can’t cook, so I’ll
prepare everything.
A bitch finds her voice and thinks it’s okay
to come for me… Yazini neh…
She sees my face and giggles.
Tholi: I’m just teasing you.
She gives me a hug.
Tholi: See you tomorrow.
Me: Shap.
She walks away.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
Liwa: Thank you for hosting us. I
appreciate how you’re trying to get us
back to how we were.
Me: It’s a pleasure, Liwa. We share a hug.
Me: I hope this is the last time we’re
dealing with secrets.
Liwa: I highly doubt…
I look at him suspiciously and he laughs.
Liwa: See you around.
Me: Shap.
I walk with him to the other side of the
yard, where everyone is.
Nomvuyo: Bye, baby.
Me: Bye.
We share a hug.
Liwa and Nomvuyo leave.
I can tell that Dean doesn’t want to leave.
To be honest, I also don’t want him to
leave. I always have a good time when I’m
with him and Derek. I’ve genuinely
missed him, and he’s been so busy lately.
We don’t see him as much as we used to,
even Derek himself has been complaining.
Derek: We’re meeting up tomorrow,
right?
Dean: Definitely.
Me: Hey! Why are you meeting up without
me?
They both chuckle.
Derek: You’re always part of the package.
Me: I’m meeting up with Tholi though.
Dean: Perfect. I think it’s time we bond
with her and set some rules. Me: Rules?
Nolwazi walks to us and smiles.
Nolwazi: Ready to go?
Dean: Yep. He looks at us.
Dean: Shap.
Derek: Bye.
Me: Shap.
We share hugs and they leave.
Derek and I finally have the house to
ourselves, and I’m glad his people cleaned
up before leaving…

INSERT 255 (Unedited)

When we get to Tholi and Mdu’s place, we
are welcomed by the smell of food.
Do you see why I keep getting fatter?
Tholi gives me a hug and then stands
there awkwardly. Shame, she doesn’t
know what to do. She keeps avoiding the
twins’ eyes.
Me: Uhm, so ya… Dean and Derek, I would
like you to meet Tholakele… She’s the
sweetest. Tholakele, this is Dean and
Derek. They recently found out that
they’re twins.
Tholi looks at me weirdly.
She still doesn’t understand my dry sense
of humour?
Dean and Derek are chuckling.
Me: Tholakele, we are so glad that you
have finally been found.
I stop myself from laughing.
Me: We are here today, because we have
important issues to discuss. I’m not sure if
you’re aware of a show called uTatakho?
We are from that show.
Dean and Derek continue laughing
quietly.
Does Tholi not have a sense of humour?
Lol, this is payback for making fun of my
lack of cooking skills.
Me: Are you familiar with the show,
uTatakho, Tholi?
She looks down and her face turns red.
Me: It’s been brought to our attention that
your biological father was quite an
excellent player of hopscotch.
Dean: More like dick hopscotch.
Yhu, we end up laughing loudly and Tholi
squirms.
Me: Tholi, I’m just kidding!
She looks at me begrudgingly.
Dean wraps his arm around her shoulders
and squeezes her.
Dean: Hey, Tholi.
She looks like she is suffocating in Dean’s
broad arms.
Tholi: Hey.
Dean: How are you?
Tholi: Okay and you?
Dean: Couldn’t be better. I just found out I
have a baby sister.
Tholi looks shook.
I think I’d also be shook if I were her. This
situation is creepy.
Dean: Are you going to invite us in?
Tholi: You didn’t give me the chance to.
Dean lets go of her and she looks at Derek
nervously.
Derek and Dean have these random
moments where their personalities swap.
I don’t know where this thing comes from,
but it is very recent. I’m still wrapping my
mind around it. When Dean is the meanie,
Derek sticks to his sweet vibe, but when
Dean becomes extra kind, Derek becomes
a meanie.
Tholi: Hi, Derek.
Derek: Hey, Tholi.
She hesitates and he opens up his arms
and they share a hug.
Tholi: You smell nice.
Derek: Thank you.
Dean: I don’t smell nice?
Tholi: You-
Dean: Are you insinuating that I stink?
Tholi: No, I ju-
Dean: That is very offensive.
Tholi looks like is about to burst into
tears.
Derek chuckles.
Shu, they are really going to mess with
her, hey?
Dean: Just kidding…
Tholi sighs in relief.
Tholi: Uhm, you can come in.
She moves out of the way and we walk in.
I take her hand.
Me: Relax!
She sighs heavily as she closes the door.
Dean: Where’s Mdu?
Tholi: He’s with his friends.
Me: Perfect.
Tholi: You must stop being mean to him.
We make our way to the lounge, where
we find her twins.
Dean: What are their names?
Me: Cupcake and Muffin.
Derek’s arm is around my waist, and he’s
pressed against me. Clingy Derek is in
town, and that lets me know that he is still
battling with this. He’s not fully ready for
this moment.
I take his hand and we walk to the
kitchen. I turn and look at him gently.
Me: We can leave.
He shakes his head.
Me: Are you sure we’re not moving too
fast for your liking?
Derek: We’re already here. I’m sure she’d
be hurt if I left. She needs the assurance
more than we do.
Me: If it’s too much, let me know. I’m
more concerned about you than anyone
else. We’ll do things at your pace.
He wraps his arms around me and we
squeeze each other.
Me: I love you, okay?
Derek: I know. I love you too.
We share a kiss and make our way back to
the lounge. Dean is already abandoning
Little Star for Tholi’s twins. I go take my
child from the stroller- she is also not
happy about this new development. She
thought this was going to be a playdate,
but she wasn’t ready for being sidelined
just a bit. She is grumpy, and I don’t blame
her!
I shower her with kisses, and she smiles.
Just as Derek is about to take the other
twin, heyii, she cries and starts kicking.
Derek gets closer to me and takes her.
Dean: Look at how traumatised the
secrets are.
Me: Are you calling these babies The
Secrets?
I laugh.
Tholi: That’s mean.
Dean: It’s like they know that they were
conceived underground, and they can’t
make noise. They’re used to silence, and
Star’s noise is traumatising them.
Yhu, uDean!
I continue laughing.
Star eventually calms down and when I
try to take her from Derek, she legit
refuses.
I take Tholi’s other twin.
They’re such cute and chubby boys. They
look more like Tholi than Mdu.
Tholi: Would you like anything to drink?
Me: G&T, please.
Derek: Water is fine.
Dean: I’m not thirsty, I’m hungry.
Tholi: The food will be ready soon.
She walks away.
Dean stares at Derek seriously.
Dean: You okay?
Derek: Yep.
Liyakha moans and looks at me. She’s
hungry now.
We’ve been trying to get her to gradually
stop breastfeeding, but I’m the one who’s
struggling the most. I enjoy feeding her
and being close to her. I don’t want to
stop. I feel like I’m going to be that mother
that breastfeeds until the child is four
years old.
Anyway, I take Star and breastfeed her.
***
Tholi is relaxed now and Derek also
seems more open to the idea of having
another sibling.
Dean: Tholi, how are you feeling about all
of this?
Tholi sighs.
Tholi: I’m still shocked and confused.
Dean: I think the first step is to take a
paternity test. We should confirm that
Zweli is indeed our father.
Tholi: I already took the test.
Dean: And the results confirmed that he’s
your father?
Tholi nods.
Dean looks at Derek.
Dean: You think we should also take one?
Derek: Yes.
Dean nods.
Dean: I’ll organise everything.
Derek looks at Tholi.
Derek: Have your therapy sessions been
helping you?
She smiles lightly and nods.
Tholi: I’m really struggling to get used to
living with Depression. I just hate that I’m
not in control of my mental state, I’m
relying on medication.
Me: It will get better.
Tholi: I think now that Mdu’s family
knows everything, I will get better. These
secrets were killing me slowly.
Derek: Secrets have never been good.
I look down ashamedly. I hope he’s not
throwing shade at me for not telling him
sooner about his true identity.
Tholi looks at me.
Tholi: I don’t tell you this often, but I
really can’t thank you enough for your
support. There were moments when Mdu
had no idea how to help me, but you
always knew what to do. Thank you for
always taking your time to be there when
I needed someone in my corner. I’m
grateful that you’re in my life. I’ve learnt a
lot from you, and I know I still have more
to learn. You inspire me, Zi. You’re my
role model.
Whoa!
Me: Are you trying to make me cry?
She smiles.
Tholi: I love you.
Aww, Chubby Cheeks!
Me: I love you too, Chubby Cheeks!
She blushes.
Me: You’ve come so far. I’m proud of the
woman you’re becoming. Witnessing you
find your voice has been great!
She smiles and looks at Derek.
Tholi: I hope we’ll be able to form a
relationship… once you’ve processed and
confirmed all of this…
She sighs.
Tholi: I’ve never experienced love from
family since my mother passed away.
Me: How’s your brother?
Dean: You have a brother?
Tholi nods.
Tholi: Uhm, I thought you knew?
Dean looks slightly puzzled. How does he
not know this?
Tholi: The whole reason I married
Kwanele was to keep my brother alive.
Kwanele took over the expenses. Because
of him, my brother is getting better.
Dean: Huh? Kwanele is taking care of your
brother?
Tholi: Not anymore. Mdu took over,
because… well, he doesn’t like Kwanele.
Dean: No one likes that epileptic son of a
bitch.
Me: Dean!
I look at him angrily.
Me: I will not allow you to be so
disrespectful and crass! Do you think
Kwanele chose to be epileptic?
Dean: I hope he has grown a backbone.
I hiss.
Tholi: Please don’t say bad things about
him. Kwanele is the first person in my life
to take me in without any conditions. He
sacrificed his marriage for me.
Me: Technically, if it weren’t for Tholi, you
wouldn’t even be with Nolwazi.
Dean keeps quiet.
Tholi: I’ll always be grateful for his
presence in my life. He was the first man
to…
She hesitates.
Dean: He broke your virginity?
Tholi gasps and instantly turns red.
Dean: You think I want to sit here and
listen to you tell me about how that
weakling popped your cherry? Are we
supposed to clap hands for him?
Tholi tries speaking.
Me: Tholi, let’s get the food.
I stand and pull her up.
It’s going to take a while for her to get
used to Dean’s bluntness.
She’ll be fine…
***
Another month has passed.
We’re all in a better place. Derek and I
have been meeting Melinda separately
and as a couple. Our communication
continues to improve. With each passing
day, I feel more comfortable with the idea
of being with him for the rest of my life.
How could you not fall deeply in love with
someone who makes you his priority and
tries his best to be the lover you need? I’m
also doing my best to make sure that I
make him happy and love him the right
way. We’ve finally found that balance.
We’re meeting each other’s needs! Love
it! I think our relationship is at its peak.
Derek is nowhere near healed though.
There are times when he can’t even get
out of bed and he isolates himself. I
completely understand though, because
it’s all part of the process. He has a lot of
shit to deal with, and the sexual abuse he
endured is something he still isn’t ready
to delve into. Melinda refuses to give me
full updates, so I’m not that informed
about how he’s doing with regards to that
subject.
The crew is also doing well.
Nolwazi is really trying to rebuild our
relationship, and I can’t ignore her efforts.
We’ve been through so much, that I don’t
have the energy to keep the grudge going.
Petty has let it slide, so I’m cool with
Lwazi.
Nomvuyo, on the other hand, genuinely
doesn’t give a shit about Nolwazi. They’re
cool, but we all know that they don’t like
each other, and that’s okay. They respect
each other.
Liwa is also doing very well. He has
started attending sessions with Derek and
Dean. Melinda and his team are doing the
things, because they’re back to hanging
out and having boys nights.
Zimkitha is a force to be reckoned with.
This woman’s strength is mind blowing,
but her therapy sessions have allowed her
to be more vulnerable. She’s unpacking all
her traumas, and I know it will take a very
very very long time before she becomes
okay. I’m just glad she’s not holding
anything back now.
Dean is his usual arrogant self. Our
relationship is also at its peak. After Star,
he’s my go-to guy. I have no idea how I
coped without Derek and Dean. They’ve
become such an important part of my life,
that I struggle to understand what life
was like without them.
Tholi is finally part of the crew! They’re
now invited to all our get togethers. She is
becoming such an outspoken person, and
we’re all enjoying this side of her. She’s
still shy, but once she gets comfortable,
she’s a blabbermouth, just like me.
Overall, everyone is good.
We’re still fucked up people though. I still
need to work on my sarcasm (I’ve been
told it’s getting out of control). Derek
needs to work on his inconsistent moods.
Nomvuyo needs to work on her stinky
attitude. Liwa doesn’t need to work on
anything, he’s perfect. Nolwazi needs to
work on letting us in and being more
open. Dean… Dean just needs to change
and find Jesus. Zimi yena needs to forgive
herself for everything that transpired.
We’re still fucked up, but the love is
there…
I still maintain though, anyone that tries
to ruin my wedding, will be dealt with.

INSERT 256
My wedding is supposedly in four
months…
Uhm, is it too late to postpone?
Like, how long does it take to plan your
own wedding? Don’t people start
planning a year before? What was I
thinking? Will I be able to do it?
Heyi, my anxiety is showing off. Every
moment is ruined by these thoughts.
Derek has been trying his best to keep me
calm but kuyafana.
I’m back at work, and it’s safe to say none
of these teachers like me. People really
amaze me. They want to form all these
unnecessary friendships and cliques at
work, but as soon as someone who is not
interested in all of that comes in and
holds them accountable for what they are
getting paid to do, these bitches start
being angry and petty.
Thankfully, I don’t give two shits about
forming close relationships with
colleagues. As long as we treat each other
with respect, then I’m good. I won’t stop
doing the right thing, because ngincenga
i-friendship. I got stabbed by a psycho ex
girlfriend while pregnant all in the name
of friendship. I really don’t need more
friends.
So, yes, I’m not very popular around the
school. I’m that “supervisor” that gives
you the look as soon as you go out of line.
They need to understand that we are
taking care of children, and sloppiness is
dangerous. Children cannot be in a
classroom unsupervised. We have all seen
how scary schools are becoming because
of unruly children. An adult always has to
supervise. I’ve given out warnings like
crazy since I came back. Lesson plans
have to be detailed and personalised
according to the needs of your students. I
can spot a lesson plan that is taken from
the internet, and if your shady ass can’t
plan, a warning is given.
We’re serving children, so any negligence
and foolery is dealt with accordingly.
I’m a teacher/principal. I alternate
between the two. I’ve decided to be a
substitute teacher, so I can help out in the
office as much as I can. At least I don’t
have to be in the classroom everyday. I
teach when people are absent. Derek is
still mentoring me, and he’s planning on
doing a proper handover soon. I
surprisingly like our work dynamic. We
work really well together. The only
problem is that I’m with him 24/7 now,
and we all know how I feel about space,
angithi? Yena he is enjoying himself. He
keeps saying this is his ideal way of life-
being with me 24/7. I’m just waiting for
the handover, so he can occupy his time
with other things and not be based at
school.
***
I’m busy teaching, when Derek walks in
the class.
The students are obsessed with him. I
know for a fact that the girls have crushes
on him. I allow them to hug him, and then
they go back to their seats.
Derek: Bab- Ms Dlamini.
He smiles.
Me: What’s up?
Derek: I have a meeting to get to. I
probably won’t come back this side…
unless you insist on me fetching you?
Me: I’ll be fine.
I’m officially a driver, but do I have any
desire to drive? Nope, not at all. I
genuinely don’t understand why anyone
would want to subject themselves to such
a chore. Uber is my best friend. If
someone has a problem with that, then
they can make it their responsibility to
transport me.
Derek: I’ll see you later.
He’s been MIA quite a lot these days,
attending meetings.
Me: Shap.
He wants to give me a kiss, but stops
himself.
The students know that Derek and I are a
thing. There was no way we were going to
keep it a secret. He’s about to be my
husband. I’m not his lil girlfriend
anymore. Bitches must know that the bag
has been secured.
Anyway, I get back to teaching…
***
I’m in the office with Andile, and we’re
discussing how we’re going to implement
extra lessons during the weekend. Some
parents are not satisfied with their
babies’ results, so I suggested extra
lessons.
Andile: Are you willing to come in and
teach during the weekend?
Me: Hell no. I have a family.
Andile: Then we should hire tutors.
Me: Definitely. I think we should hire
student teachers. This will give them the
opportunity to earn some extra cash and
also get some experience on the side,
while they’re getting their teaching
degrees.
Andile: Great idea.
Me: Will you organise stocko?
Andile: Spillion.
I laugh.
I still need to find him a person. Things
obviously didn’t work out with Nomi. He
has made it absolutely clear that he wants
nothing to do with her.
Just then, my phone rings and I answer.
Me: Zimi?
Zimkitha: Hello, baby.
Me: Is everything okay?
Zimkitha: Yes. I just wanted to give you
the goss-goss.
We both laugh.
Zimi and I are pretty close now. She’s my
new gossiping buddy, because Nomvuyo
is too busy trying to get another baby.
Nolwazi is also trying to conceive. People
want to have their babies fast fast,
because they’re worried about their age.
Not my struggle.
Andizi.
Me: Tell me phela.
Zimkitha: Nkanyezi and I just came back
from a property meeting.
Me: For?
Zimkitha: He’s planning on expanding the
orphanage.
Me: Really?
Zimkitha: He didn’t tell you? We are
collaborating with a certain young lady,
who is an advocate for woman and child
abuse. We’re planning on opening a home
for them.
Me: Hmm… I had no idea.
Zimkitha: I’m sure he’ll tell you all about
it..
Me: So that’s the gossip?
Zimkitha: Angithi I’m building context for
you.
I chuckle.
Zimkitha: So, we went to check our
various properties…
Me: Okay.
I don’t know, man, but I’m slightly
annoyed that Derek didn’t tell me about
this. This seems like a big deal.
Zimkitha: As soon as that girl saw Derek,
she was already planning their wedding.
Me: Huh?
Zimkitha: Derek has a secret admirer.
She tells me how this girl is all giddy and
lovey dovey around Derek.
I can’t help but laugh.
Me: I’m sure Derek noticed. You know he
pays attention to such.
Zimkitha: I think he’s pretending not to
know, because when I hinted in the car,
he dismissed me.
We laugh.
Me: Let her write fairytales about him. I’m
sure he’s very uncomfortable. It serves
him right for not telling me about this big
project.
We continue catching up.
***
When I get home, I find Derek dishing up
for himself.
It’s around 7pm.
Me: Hello.
He smiles and gives me a hug.
Derek: I’m getting Star tomorrow. I miss
her.
Me: Hai, my parents are still bonding with
her. We’ll fetch her on Friday.
He sulks.
Derek: Would you like me to dish up for
you?
I shake my head.
Me: I’m still full from lunch.
I go to the bedroom and get ready to take
a shower. Lol, I always have to pinch
myself in such moments, to remind myself
that I’m not dreaming. I’m in such a good
space, and Derek and I are closer than
ever…
It’s just this one thing that is annoying me
right now.
Once I’m done showering, I go to the
lounge and find him watching the news.
Me: How did your meeting go?
Derek: It was okay.
Is he really not going to tell me about this
project? The nerve! Petty awakens,
assembles her tools, and gets ready…
Me: Hmkay.
He continues focusing on the news.
This negro!
I cross my arms and huff.
Derek: Everything okay?
Me: Mmm.
He nods and focuses on the screen.
Nxa, I stand and go to the bedroom. I’ll
wait for him to tell me. I don’t know why
I’m so offended that he is not filling me. It
seems like a big deal to me, if they’re
looking at properties.
I fall asleep, and feel his arms around me
later…
***
I seriously need to start planning my
wedding.
Derek is not even saying anything. Clearly
he’s busy with other things, like
expanding Twilight behind my back and
not involving me. I’m so offended that he’s
keeping me in the dark about this. Doesn’t
he need my help?
Or maybe this is him trying to tell me that
my ass doesn’t have to be involved in
everything?
Yoh, my anxiety has taken this thing and
made it such a big thing. My mind has so
many questions and unjustified
conclusions. I can’t even help myself.
***
I get to school and go to the classroom I’ll
be substituting.
These teachers who think they can claim
to be sick without doctors’ notes
obviously don’t know me. I told this one
to come back with a note, and she said she
will. If I find that the doctor has a shady
Indian surname, best believe I’ll do my
research and find out if they’re real…
These teachers have been getting away
with nonsense. How are we going to
achieve excellent standards if we have
lazy people working for us? Haibo, I don’t
have time for such. She’ll get a warning if
she comes with a fake doctor’s note.
Anyway, I get to the class and prepare my
resources.
Derek has been MIA. Angimazi nokuthi
ukuphi.
I’m teaching the Grade Rs today, and I
know my mood will drastically change.
Those cuties always bring out the best in
me. I’ll soon forget about Derek’s
shadiness and these problematic
employees…
***
The kids are always on their best
behaviour when I’m around. I pride
myself in forming relationships with
them. They respect me, because I respect
them and I’m not stingy with my love. It’s
easy to manage behaviour when the
respect and genuine love is there. I don’t
instill fear in them. Children at that age
will never be completely quiet. It is highly
impossible for their space to be dead
silent, so I’ve implemented a system
where I tell them what type of voice they
should use in class. If they are working in
groups, they should use their Normal
Voice (Table Talk). If they are working
individually then they should their
Whisper Voice (for when they need
something from someone and they don’t
want to disturb the rest of the class).
When they are in front of the class,
teaching or presenting, then they should
use their Teacher Voice (loud and proud).
This just helps regulate the noise. I can’t
expect 5 or 6 year olds to be completely
silent. That’s just abuse.
Anyway, I’m teaching phonics, and it’s
always a good idea to make the content
relatable and fun for the little ones. I
usually introduce phonics by making up a
story about how the etters found their
voices (sounds).
As I’m teaching, Derek walks, in smiling
like a mad man. Mxm. Uyangibhora lo
nama secret deals wakhe.
He is followed by a woman.
I don’t usually pay attention to the people
Derek brings to my class. Every time I’m
in the classroom, he makes it a point to
bring in guests to see how we implement
our learning model. I’m so used to being
observed that the people have become
faceless.
He’s definitely my biggest cheerleader
shame. He makes me feel like I’m the best
teacher in the world…
But, I still don’t like his secretive ass.
Me: Okay, so I have a story for you!
The tiny students giggle and exclaim
happily.
Me: Are you ready to hear the story?
The students nod excitedly.
Mer: Alright… So…
Derek and his guest sit at the back of the
class. I made it clear that no one should
disrupt my class, so if observations are
done, then they should observe from the
back. Kids are easily distracted.
Me: So, once upon a time, two best friends
were about to play outside… Do you want
to know who the best friends were?
Students: Yes!
Me: Well, the first friend’s name was “S!”
They giggle.
Me: Do we know S?
Students: Yes!
Me: When S speaks, what sound comes
out of his mouth? I want one student to
tell me.
They all raise their hands excitedly.
Me: Yes, Amo.
Amo: The sound that comes out of S’s
mouth is “ssss!”
Me: Is Amo correct?
Students: Yes!
Me: Let’s all make the sound!
All the students make the “Sss” sound.
Argh, this truly is my calling. How am I
turned on right now? Not in the creepy
sense though.
Me: Excellent! Do we remember how S
looks?
Students: Yes!
Me: Show me. Take out your magic pens
and show me.
All the students put out their tiny index
fingers (the magic pens) and “write” the
letter S in the air.
Learning has to be fun for kids. If you
have to act a fool and jump on tables, then
so be it.
Me: Yes! You’re all so amazing! So, The
first friend was “S”, and the second
friend’s name was “H!”
They all laugh.
Me: Do we remember H?
They all sound out the letter and “write”
it.
Me: Great! So, S and H were the best of
friends! One day, S’s mother, warned
them not to play with glue. They loved
playing with it! She said, “You two will be
stuck together forever if you continue
playing with glue! You will never be able
to things by yourselves. Everything you
do will be done together. You will sleep
together, eat together, and even go to the
toilet together!”
All the students laugh.
Me: She also told them that their voices
would be combined!
They giggle.
Me: Would you love to be with your best
friend all the time?
Some of them say yes and others say no.
Teacher: I wouldn’t want to be in that
position!
Students: Why?
Me: I love my space! Imagine having
someone around you every second of the
day!
I hope Derek caught that shade.
Me: Anyway, S and H went outside. Do
you think they listened to S’s mother?
Students: Nooo!
Me: Exactly! They went outside and H
took out some glue. They started playing
with it and smearing it on each other…
Can anyone tell me what smearing
means? S and H “smeared” the glue all
over each other.
One student raises his head.
Student: It’s like putting something on
something.
Me: Yes! It’s like marking something in a
messy way!
I explain smearing and ask them to give
me sentences using the word. Thereafter,
I add the word on the board, under the
“new words” section.
I try not to teach things in isolation. If
we’re reading and we come across an
exclamation mark, then I revisit what I
taught them about punctuation and they
will see how it’s actually being used in
books. I integrate everything- spelling,
reading, writing, language and grammar,
letters and sounds. They learn better that
way.
Me: Now, back to the story… S and H were
having lots of fun with the glue. Out of
nowhere, H tripped and fell on the right
side of S. Can you all show me your right
side? Touch it.
They all touch their right sides.
Me: Good. So, H tripped and fell on S’s
right side. When H tried getting up, S
screamed painfully.
The tiny kids exclaim.
You’d swear this is a real story.
Me: Why do you think S was screaming?
I ask one student.
Student: S was screaming because they
were glued together!
Me: Yes! S and H were now glued
together! They didn’t listen to S’s mother!
Do you see what happens when you don’t
listen to your parents?
The students giggle.
Me: Now, S and H were together forever!
Students: Nooo!
Me: As soon as S spoke, H also spoke.
They now spoke at the same time!
Students: Nooo!
Me: Do you want to know what came out
of their mouth?
Students: Yes!
She writes the letters “sh” on the board.
Me: Shhhh!
The students are beyond shook.
Me: Have we ever heard that sound
before?
Students: Yes!
Me: Say it after me… Shhh! The students
repeat.
Me: Where have you heard it?
Students start throwing out answers…
shop, she, shark, sheep, shot, etc.
All I want to sayl, “SHIT I’m good!”
Me: Exactly! We have all heard the sound
before! That is how “S” and “H” became
best friends forever!
The students laugh and clap happily.
Me: This week we are going to learn all
about “Shhh!”
Just then, our receptionist walks in, and
walks to Derek. He follows her out and
leaves his guest. Gosh, now I have to
answer questions and be interactive. Once
I’m around kids, I don’t like interacting
with adults.
***
After a while, the lesson ends.
The guest is still here.
Me: Do you all have your lunch?
Students: Yes!
Me: Good. You’re all lined up in 10… 9…
As I count down, the students push in
their chairs and line up in two lines by the
door.
They’re so cute.
Me: Yaaas! You’re all superstars!
I take stickers from the desk and place a
star sticker on each student’s forehead.
They love these!
Me: Alright, my babies. I’ll see you
tomorrow, okay?
Students: Okay!
They walk out… Can’t this guest follow
them and go observe how they eat? We
have a solid lunch procedure.
Guest: Wow…
She stares at me in shock.
Guest: I don’t think I’ve ever seen such.
You’re amazing! I’m so impressed!
Me: Thank you.
She walks to me.
Guest: I’m sorry for being rude. Hello, I’m
Buhle.
Me: Hey, I’m Ziyanda.
Buhle puts out her hand.
Me: Sorry, my hands are dirty from the
markers.
Buhle nods and smiles.
Buhle: You’re amazing! Oh my goodness!
I smile lightly.
Me: Thank you.
Buhle: How long have you been teaching?
Me: Few years.
Buhle nods.
Just then, her expression changes. Does
she have Tourette Syndrome? Outchea
twitching out of nowhere.
Buhle: Uhm, Derek, your principal, invited
me over… I didn’t expect it to be this
great!
My principal? Lol.
Me: My principal invited you over?
I look at her amusingly. There’s
something child-like about her.
She nods excitedly.
Buhle: We’re going to collaborate soon.
Me: Is it? Collaborate on what?
Buhle: Well, I volunteer at the orphanage
he is associated with. We met there…
Is this lady okay? Is she blushing?
Me: Hmkay…
Buhle: I have an NGO that offers support
to abused women and children.
Wait, is this the woman Zimi told me
about?
Is this the collaboration I’m excluded
from?
Me: Go you.
Buhle: So, we’re thinking of collaborating
and making a bigger difference, you
know?
Me: I see…
She giggles.
Wow, she really is in love with Derek.
This is surprisingly hilarious.
Buhle: I’m beyond excited. I managed to
make him see the bigger picture, you
know?
Me: Hmm.
You don’t say, moghel!
Buhle: How is he?
Me: Who?
Buhle: Derek. How is he...generally?
I sigh…
I obviously can’t burst her bubble. I’ll let
her enjoy her fairytale, while I deal with
her prince charming on the side, for
keeping me in the dark!
Me: I mean, he’s okay… Nothing too
special.
Her expression changes. She looks
shocked that I’ve just downplayed Derek’s
greatness.
Buhle: He seems like a good man…
She stutters.
Buhle: A good leader, I mean…
Thatha girl. I think I’m entertained.
Me: Is it?
Buhle nods.
Me: Siyambongela yazi uDerek. Clearly he
is an impactful man. Everywhere he goes,
he attracts people. How admirable.
Buhle: I look forward to working with
him.
Me: You don’t say…
I walk to the table and start tidying it up. I
have another class soon.
Buhle: How long have you been teaching
here?
Me: I’m just substituting for a sick
teacher.
Buhle: Is it? But are you teaching
somewhere else?
I shake my head.
Me: Not at the moment. I’m just a
professional mother and recovering
drama queen right now.
She laughs.
Buhle: Oh okay, what an interesting
profession.
Me: Indeed…
I finish cleaning up and look at her.
Me: Have a good day further, Buhle. I
hope you enjoy the rest of your visit here.
Buhle: Thank you. I just need to find
Derek.
Me: I’m sure you have his number- call
him. He does have a tendency to be all
over the place when he is excited. Buhle
smiles.
Buhle: Then, he’ll need some taming.
Maria Josefa! She wants to tame Derek
Nkanyezi Star Ngidi? Heeh!
Me: Yaas. Do best.
Buhle laughs.
Me: Bye.
Buhle: Bye.
I walk out and head to the office. I need to
call Dean so we can laugh about this lil
situation…
INSERT 257
I go outside for some fresh air.
Petty keeps trying to lead me to Derek’s
office, but I have to keep her in check. I’m
actually mad at Derek for doing this
behind my back. I’m offended! Buhle is
not even my biggest concern, I know
Derek will deal with her once he is tired
of her giggles and twitches.
I dial Dean’s number and he answers.
Me: Langa, you won’t-
Dean: Where are you? Just walked past
your class.
Me: Are you here?
Dean: Yep.
Me: Oh, great.
Dean: I’m in the office now.
He doesn’t sound too happy.
Me: Hai hai, I won’t come if I have to deal
with your grumpiness.
Dean: Just come.
I grunt as I end the call and walk to the
office.
Actually, this is the perfect time to
confront Derek about this, in front of
Dean. I know Dean would have Deaned a
long time ago if he knew about this
project.
I open the door and find him there, sitting
on Derek’s desk, looking very grumpy.
Buhle is also here.
She looks like she is about to pee her
pants.
Me: Am I interrupting something?
Dean glances at me.
Dean: I was just catching up with Derek’s
new friend.
I look at Buhle.
Ziyanda: Did you find Derek?
She shakes her head.
Konje she wants to tame Derek.
I can’t help but stifle a laugh.
Me: I think he’s in the computer lab.
Dean: Ziyanda, do you-
Me: Langelihle, can I have a word with
you?
Dean looks like he has a lot to say. Does
he know Buhle? Is he also in on this? Now,
he’s also going to get a piece of my mind!
Me: Dean, a word?
He looks at me begrudgingly as he stands.
He walks past Buhle, and I move out of
the way so that he can get out. We both
walk out and I close the door.
I grab his arm and we walk outside.
Me: First of all, how dare you?!
He looks at me in confusion.
Me: How dare you not tell me about
Derek’s project?
Dean: What project?
Me: The expansion thingie.
Dean: Thingie? What are you? A child?
Me: Dean, I don’t have time for your
nonsense. Why didn’t you tell me that
Derek is planning on opening a shelter for
abused women and children?
Dean: What the fuck are you talking
about?
Me: You don’t know?
Dean: You’re busy asking me about
shelters, are you even aware that that
woman we left there is planning on
having babies with your idiot?
Me: Ya, I know. I wa-
Dean: You know her?
Me: She’s the one Derek is partnering up
with for this project.
Dean is speechless, he is processing. I’m
sure he’s also offended that we are in the
dark.
Me: Anyway, let me tell you about that
lady…
I start laughing as I think of all the
ridiculous things she said.
I tell Dean all about it.
Dean: Tame him?
Me: That’s the cherry on top.
His mood lightens up and we laugh about
it.
Me: Don’t be mean to her.
Dean: You know I don’t have time to
entertain such. He looks at me seriously.
Dean: I’ve dealt with such women… You
always have to nip it in the bud, because it
gets out of control.
Here we go again. Dean never fails to let
everyone know that he has had to deal
with crazy women. He never fails to
inform us how his mere looks are
powerful enough to drive people crazy.
Blah, blah, blah.
I roll my eyes.
Me: Dean, it’s not that deep...
He keeps quiet.
Me: Besides, Derek has to deal with her,
not you or anyone else. I know he'll do
best. The situation with Busi showed me
that I can fully trust him.
Dean: Nawe why didn’t you let her know
you’re the wife?
Me: I didn’t want to burst her bubble. She
seems innocent.
Dean: Have I told before that you can be
stupid?
I roll my eyes.
Dean: It’s the innocent-looking ones that
are creeps. I’m sure she has Derek’s
pictures all over her house.
Me: Dean!
He chuckles.
Me: Leave her alone. I trust Derek.
I take his hand and we walk back in.
As we’re walking towards the office, we
see them approaching us from the other
side.
Dean and I chuckle as we watch.
Dean: They’d make a cute couple.
Me: Ukhuluma amasimba ke manje.
He continues chuckling.
Dean: Since you say I’m being too uptight
and protective, I’m going to have fun with
this… It’s about time I get Derek back for
making fun of my wedding. Ngizom’nyisa.
Me: What are you going to do?
Dean: You’ll see.
He smiles mischievously. At this point, I’m
not getting involved. Once they start this
thing of theirs, we all have to take a step
back. Their paybacks are usually dirty.
They finally get to us.
Buhle stares at Derek and then at Dean.
Buhle: Are you twins?
Derek nods lightly and stares at Dean.
I can already imagine what she’s
thinking… Derek is the sweet, loving one,
and Dean is the fucked up one… I’m sure
Dean’s meanstreak has made her love
Derek even more, the pure twin.
Derek: This is Dean… And this is Ziyanda,
she’s-
Dean: She’s a very good teacher. I’m sure
you’ve noticed.
Buhle nods.
Lol, what is Dean up to?
Derek tries to speak, but Dean interrupts
him once again.
Dean: I would like to hear more about
your project with Derek. He didn’t tell me
about it, which is quite surprising… I
wonder why he has kept you hidden…
Buhle is blushing profusely, while Derek
looks like a lost sheep. Nxa, serves him
right for keeping me in the dark. Dean
must do best, I’m sure it will be
entertaining!
Dean: How about we go out for lunch?
Buhle glances at Derek, who is staring at
Dean in confusion.
Dean is too far gone at this point. I’m glad
he’s here. Derek deserves to be tortured
for doing secret deals.
Buhle: I would love to. I’m quite famished.
I clear my throat.
Ziyanda: Enjoy your lunch… I have a child
waiting for me at home.
Derek: What’s-
Dean: D, get your shit and shut up.
Lol, let me teach my last class and head
home. My mom is sleeping over tonight.
Dean gives me a squeeze and I walk away.
Derek is now following me.
When I get to the class, my kids are not
back from lunch.
Derek: Ziyanda.
I look at him blankly.
Me: I can’t stand your shady ass.
I want to be mad at him, but I’m
struggling. He knows how to sulk, this
one.
Me: Derek, when were you going to tell
me?
Derek: Uhm, today.
I look at him seriously.
Me: Is there a reason you haven’t said
anything about this project?
Derek: Baby, I was going to tell you. I’ve
just been preoccupied.
Me: This seems like a big deal to me.
Derek: I’m sorry.
Me: Go have your lunch.
He tries stepping closer to me, when the
door opens and one of my students walks
and tells me that they’re ready for me.
Derek groans and walks out.
I follow him and find my students lined
up. I’m glad my mother will be with us
tonight. She’s the perfect person to
quieten my anxious thoughts.
***
Mom: As long as you told him that you’re
hurt.
Me: I did.
Mom: I’m sure he feels bad.
Me: The problem is that I understand how
meaningful Twilight is to him and how
he’s always wanted to do something like
this… I’m hurt that he didn’t think it was
important to tell me. The last time I
checked, this was still a thought, and now
he’s executing… Am I being dramatic?
Mom: Not at all. It’s not like he forgot to
tell you that he didn’t run an errand…
I sigh.
Just then, someone clears their throat and
we both turn to find Derek standing by
the entrance of the dining room.
Derek: Good afternoon.
Mom: Hello, Nkanyi.
She stands and gives me him a hug.
Mom: Let me check on my granddaughter.
She walks away.
Derek sits next to me.
Me: You’re back early.
Derek: That lunch was unbearable.
I keep quiet.
Derek: Dean got me, I guess.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: Wanna talk? I nod.
Me: I’ll use my “I” statements.
Melinda taught us a basic method of
communicating our feelings. It’s a series
of sentence openers that allow you to
express how you feel to the next person-
very basic, but effective.
Example: “I feel…” “When you…” “Because
I think it means…” “What I need…”
Me: I feel hurt. When you don’t include
me in such an important venture, because
I think it means you don’t value my
opinion or you don’t think I can
contribute or assist in any way. What I
need is for you to explain why you didn’t
tell me, just to ease my anxiety, which has
already drawn its own conclusions.
He nods lightly.
Melinda also taught us how to respond to
“I” statements.
Example: “You sound…” “Because I…”
“Next time, I…”
Derek: You sound hurt and excluded,
because I failed to do what a life partner
does, which is communicate. I failed to let
you in on this important project. Next
time, I will definitely tell you about such,
like I have always done in the past. I
apologise for hurting your feelings.
Just like that, my anxiety cools down.
It’s amazing the difference it makes when
someone acknowledges how they have
made you feel- without trying to justify
themselves or make excuses.
Me: Thank you. I forgive you.
We stand and share the longest hug.
Me: You do know that Buhle has a crush
on you, right?
He grunts and I chuckle.
Me: Derek and Buhle sitting in the tree. K-
i-s-s-i-n-g!
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: First comes love. Then comes
marriage…
He lets go of me.
Me: Then comes baby in the baby
carriage, sucking his thumb, wetting his
pants...
He starts walking away.
Me: Doing the hula, hula dance!
I rush in front of him and twerk playfully.
Derek: Not funny.
I continue making fun of him till we get to
the kitchen, where we find my mother
cooking.
Mom: What’s all the noise for?
Derek: Your daughter is annoying.
Mom: Hai, Ngidi, she’s yours now…
He grunts as he pours himself some water
and walks away.
Mom: All good?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Nikhulile yazi. Phela ngabe you are
packing your bags now, ready to go to
Soweto.
We laugh and I run away before she asks
me to help her cook.
Dean needs to fill me in.
INSERT 258
It’s Thursday evening. Derek and I are
making our to Nolwazi and Dean’s place
for dinner. Nolwazi was the one who
invited us.
Derek: Everything is in order for
tomorrow, right?
Me: Yep.
Tomorrow is our first Fun Day. I planned
the whole thing, and I am thoroughly
exhausted. Thankfully, we managed to
convince my mother to stay for the rest of
the week, just to help out with Baby Star.
The older that little girl gets, the more
attention she requires, and my mother is
addicted to her…
Me: It’s funny how I’m busy planning
school events, but I haven’t even thought
about our wedding.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Does this mean you want us to
postpone?
Me: Relax, things will work out.
Derek: Are you sure you’ll cope?
I nod.
Me: The last weekend of September will
be fine.
He brushes my hand before focusing on
the road…
***
When we get to the house, we find Liwa
and Nomvuyo there.
Lol, shame if Vuvu thought avoiding
Nolwazi would be a thing then she was
dreaming, because Liwa and Nolwazi get
along like a house on fire. I think Liwa is
overcompensating for his wife’s snaax
behaviour.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Heyiii!
We share a hug.
As soon as he sees Derek, he looks at him
seriously.
Oh no… What now? Is there another beef?
Liwa: Hi, Mr Principal…
Out of nowhere, Dean and Liwa start
laughing loudly. Derek looks at me and I
quickly let go of his hand and shrug.
Me: Andibazi nobazi!
Liwa pouts.
Liwa: Want me to tame you, Mr Principal?
Dean: I just love what you’re doing for the
community Derek… It’s just… so
inspirational!
Liwa: Such an advocate for change, you
know?
Nolwazi: Guys, stop!
Derek wants to punch them.
They continue making stupid jokes.
There’s no stopping them.
Just then, Mdu and Tholi walk in.
Me: Chubby Cheeks!
Tholi: Zizi Bear!
Me: Yhu, when last did I hear that name...
Tholi: Mdu told me he used to call you
that.
I look at Mdu.
Me: Hello.
Mdu: Ya wena.
He pulls me for a hug and I grunt. I push
him off and hug Tholi.
Me: Where’s Muffin and Cupcake?
Mdu: In the other room, where the creche
is.
Lol, the number of children in this group
is too much.
Nolwazi: The food is ready, you can all go
to the table.
We walk to the table and sit. I’m sitting
next to Tholi, whom I’ve discovered is
also a little gossipmonger. She loves
whispering silly things when we’re sitting
next to each other.
Me: Where’s Zimi?
Dean: She says she’s on her way.
Me: Cool.
Dean: Why didn’t you come with your
mother?
Me: She enjoys her personal space. She
likes being with her granddaughter.
Dean: She must stop behaving like
Nkanyezi is her only grandchild. I’ll also
start fetching her to sleepover here.
Derek: We’ll see about that.
Dean: Wena thula. Uphapha too much.
Liwa: He needs taming.
They start laughing all over again.
Shame, I’m starting to feel bad for my
Star. He looks at me disapprovingly.
Derek: See what you’ve started?
I try to give him a kiss but he refuses.
Such a sulky man.
Zimkitha walks to the table, looking very
very good. Heyi uhambela phezulu
umuntu.
Everyone stares at her and she laughs.
Zimkitha: Hello, children.
Nolwazi: You look great!
Zimkitha: Sengivukile phela.
Heeh, is Zimkitha getting mature dick?
She sits next to her best friend, Liwa. We
have all accepted that nothing will ever
come between them, even Derek and
Dean have accepted that she will always
love Liwa more than them. Their
connection is on another level, and we
respect that.
Zimkitha: How’s everyone?
She looks at Derek.
Zimkitha: Why are so grumpy?
Derek keeps quiet.
Nolwazi: They’re making fun of him.
Zimkitha: About?
Mdu: Apparently some woman has a
crush on him and claims that she will
tame him.
The way things spread in this group?
Zimkitha: Oh, Buhle?
Zimkitha laughs sweetly.
Zimkitha: It’s a harmless crush. It’s
expected… I mean, look at Star!
Derek grunts and remains quiet.
We all dish up for ourselves and continue
chatting. After a while, Zimkitha looks at
us seriously and we quieten down.
Zimkitha: So… There’s something I’d like
to tell all of you.
Dean: No. I don’t have it in me to deal
with another blow.
Derek: I agree. Please keep it to yourself.
Zimkitha chuckles.
Zimkitha: This has nothing to do with you.
I sigh in relief.
Zimkitha sighs and clears her throat
lightly.
Zimkitha: I just want all of you to know
that I am in a relationship.
There’s silence.
What?
I knew she was getting grown and
experienced dick!
Mdu: Uhm, that’s good to know, I guess.
Zimkitha looks at Dean and Derek.
Zimkitha: Are you okay?
Derek: You’re in a relationship?
Zimkitha nods and smiles. The past few
months have been hectic and she was
beginning to look like her problems. All of
that is in the past now, because she is
looking rejuvenated and younger.
Me: Yaay! I’m happy for you!
She winks at me.
Dean: Uyajola?
Nomvuyo: Argh, stop acting like kids.
Zimkitha is old and her life has revolved
around us since we were young. It’s about
time we set her free!
Nolwazi: I couldn’t agree more. We can’t
hold her back.
Zimkitha: I wasn’t necessarily asking for
permission. I just want you to know… I’m
in a relationship.
Me: Yaaas! How old is he?
She chuckles.
Zimkitha: Old enough.
Dean: Old enough for what, Zimkitha?
Zimkitha laughs.
Me: Yaaas, Zimi!
Tholi gets closer to my ear.
Tholi: She’s having sex?
I chuckle.
Bless this one’s soul.
Zimkitha is a freak. All those years her
parents held her hostage meant she
couldn’t express the freak in her. Liwa
always tells me about her escapades once
she was free from her parents.
Derek: Do we know this man?
Zimkitha clears her throat and glances at
Liwa.
Dean: So Liwa knows him?
Zimkitha takes a sip of her drink.
Derek: Who is he?
Yoh, now they’re flooding her with
questions.
She exhales loudly.
Zimkitha: ...ki…
She didn’t really speak clearly, so we
didn’t catch that.
Dean: Ubani?
She clears her throat lightly.
Zimkitha: Bheki.
Dean: Bheki who?
She glances at Nolwazi uncomfortably
and then at Tholi.
There’s a long silence.
I’m so confused.
Does everyone know who this Bheki is?
Tholi: Bheki? Bheki Buthelezi?
Zimkitha takes a sip of her drink and
nods.
I’m lost.
I want to ask questions, but ngathi now is
not the right time.
There’s a long silence once again.
Dean: You’re in a relationship with Bheki
Buthelezi?
Zimkitha nods.
Nolwazi: Bheki? Bheki Buthelezi?
Zimkitha nods again.
Mdu: Kwanele’s father?
She exhales loudly once again.
Zimkitha: Yes, I am in a relationship with
Kwanele’s father, Bheki Buthelezi.
Liwa: Who just so happens to be my
father.
Heyiiiiiii!
WHAT?!
I kid you not, every single person stands
and looks at Zimkitha, Liwa and Nomvuyo
in shock.
Maria Josefa!
Not this shit again!
INSERT 259 (Unedited)
I’m the first to sit.
Suddenly, my stomach is just full.
I pull Derek and he also sits. I hold his
hand and squeeze it.
Dean, Lord… Dean…
No one hates Kwanele like Dean…
Now, Kwanele is involved in this messy
fruit salad??
Everyone sits.
Liwa: I don’t understand what the drama
is about. None of this affects you.
Dean: Shut the fuck up.
Liwa: Make me.
Dean and Liwa both stand and we all
khuza them.
Me: We’re already trying to wrap our
heads around this and now you want us
to deal with your misplaced rage?
Ningalinge!
Whoa, I legit just sounded like my mother.
These people are making me age!
Dean and Liwa sit and look at each other
angrily.
We sit in silence.
I stand and walk inside the house.
Derek follows me.
Derek: Are you okay?
He looks worried.
Me: I’ve had it with this family!
I go to Dean’s study, and Derek continues
following me like a puppy.
Derek: What… What do you mean?
I take Dean’s easel and its stand.
Derek: Ziyanda…
Me: Awume tuu Derek.
I walk back to the table and he follows
me.
He thinks I’m breaking up with him?
Uyahlanya. No is not that time for his
drama.
Everyone stares at me as I put the easel
on the stand.
I then go back inside and get my bag. I
know I always have random board
markers somewhere. I search my bag and
find a blue board marker.
I walk back to the table and they all stare
at me.
Me: I’m tired! I’m tired of the constant
surprises!
I open the marker.
Derek: Baby-
Me: Not now, Derek.
I write Zimkitha’s name. Big and bold on
the left.
Me: Zimkitha, name all of your children!
Liwa: Do-
Me: Liwa, I swear I will fold your balls if
you say one word.
Nomvuyo: Heyii ung-
Me: Shut up!
I look at Zimkitha.
Me: Name your children!
Zimkitha clears her throat.
Zimkitha: Princess and Liwa.
I write those names.
Zimkitha: Dean and Derek.
Me: Is that all? Do you have other children
stashed elsewhere?
Liwa: Ziyanda.
Me: What?
I look at him sharply.
Me: If you want the trapped Soweto girl in
me to come out and cause havoc, then
please continue adding your two cents.
Liwa keeps quiet.
Me: Is this it, Zimkitha?
Zimkitha: Yes.
I write Zweli’s name next to Zimkitha’s.
Me: Name his children.
Zimkitha: The ones I know about?
Me: Zimkitha!
Liwa: Heyi wena, don’t ever addre-
Derek: Liwa.
Liwa: She mustn’t di-
I walk straight to Liwa and pull him up.
Me: Seeing as you’re behaving like a child,
I’ll treat you like one.
I take his hand and lead him away from
the table.
Me: I’m putting you on timeout for 5
minutes.
Liwa: What??
I make him sit and leave him there.
I walk back to the table and find everyone
chuckling.
Me: This is serious. Zimkitha please name
Zweli’s children.
Zimkitha: Okay… So there’s obviously
Dean, Derek and Tholi.
I write them down.
Zimkitha: Last time I checked, his eldest
son is Sam… He was born before… before,
uhm Dean and Derek happened.
I write down Sam.
Zimkitha: Sabelo is around the same age
as Dean and Derek.
I write down Sabelo.
Zimkitha: And then there’s Bathandwa
and Nelly. Nelly is a girl. She was adopted
though.
Nomvuyo: He had the nerve to adopt!
Me: So three of them are his biological
children? Sam, Sabelo and Bathandwa?
They’re all boys?
Zimkitha: Yes.
Me: Do you know their mother/mothers?
Zimkitha: She passed away.
Me: Okay.
Dean: However, he mentioned that we
have four more siblings.
Nolwazi: Maybe he included Nelly, even
though she’s not his, biologically.
Me: Probably.
Zimkitha: That’s all I know, Zizi.
Liwa walks back to the table and I stare at
him. He goes to his seat and keeps quiet.
Good.
Me: Okay… So this explains why there are
so many twins here. It truly runs in the
family.
Tholi still looks shocked. Mdu keeps
making her drink water.
Me: So let me get this straight…
I stare at them.
I take a very deep breath.
Me: Nolwazi and Tholi were married to
Kwanele. Kwanele is Bheki’s father. Bheki
is Liwa’s father, meaning Kwanele and
Liwa are brothers. However, Nolwazi and
Tholi are no longer with Kwanele.
Nolwazi is with Dean, who just so
happens to be Tholi’s brother. Nolwazi is
married to Tholi’s brother, and Tholi is
married to Nolwazi’s brother. Now,
because Kwanele is tied to Liwa, then it
means he is also tied to Dean and Derek
to some extent.
There is complete silence as everyone
processes this.
My anxiety is skyhigh.
I walk to the house, for I feel an attack
approaching.
Melinda taught me another technique of
coping.
These steps are known as AWARE: 1.
Acknowledge & Accept 2. Wait 3. Actions
(to make myself more comfortable) 4.
Repeat 5. End
I go to one of the bedrooms and close the
door. I lie on the bed, facing up, and close
my eyes.
Step 1: Acknowledge and Accept I am
coming to terms with my surroundings
and that I am having an attack. I’m not
trying to suppress the attack or pretend
it’s not happening. I am in the moment,
and I am embracing it. I accept that I am
afraid. I am scared. I am stressed. I am
overwhelmed. This attack won’t kill me,
and it won’t last forever, but it will
happen… It is happening right now… It
has to happen. I have to let it happen…
Just let it be…
Step 2: Wait There’s a part of me that
wants to run around like a headless
chicken… I will not do that… I will wait. I
will count to ten… I will not try to fight
this attack…
Step 3: Actions This attack has a soft
landing… I am ready for it and I am
welcoming it… I am comfortable and safe.
I’m belly breathing: a) One hand just
above my belt line, and the other on my
chest, right over the breastbone. b) Open
my mouth and sigh gently, as if someone
had just told me something really
annoying. Let my shoulders and the
muscles of my upper body relax, down,
with the exhale. c) Close my mouth and
pause for a few seconds. d) Keep my
mouth closed and inhale slowly through
my nose by pushing my stomach out. e)
Pause. f) Open my mouth. Exhale through
my mouth by pulling my belly in. g)
Pause. h) Continue with Steps d-g.
Step 4: Repeat I’m not fully calm, so I’m
going to start again. I will repeat the
previous steps.
Step 5: End
I finally feel like myself again.
I open my eyes and blink a few times.
I stay still for a few seconds, and then I
wiggle my fingers and toes.
Okay, I’m fine.
I slowly sit up and take deep breaths.
Derek is here.
He’s standing by the door. He knows I
don’t want to be held while I’m having an
attack, because it makes it worse.
Derek: Can I?
I nod and he walks to the bed and sits
next to me.
He takes my hand and caresses it.
Derek: Let’s go home.
Me: I’m exhausted.
All the Fun Day planning, and Zimkitha’s
news have left me tired.
He stands and pulls me for a hug. He
doesn’t squeeze me, he just wraps his
arms around me lightly.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I was too overwhelmed. There was no
way I was going to avoid that attack.
He plants a kiss on my forehead and takes
my hand. He leads the way and we make
our way back to the table to say goodbye.
Derek: We’ll see you tomorrow.
Nolwazi: Alright, enjoy the rest of your
evening.
Derek nods.
Me: Bye, everyone.
Nolwazi stands and gives me a hug. I don’t
want a hug, but I try not to show it.
They all say goodbye. As we walk away,
Dean follows us and walks us to the car.
We stand by the car and Dean wraps his
arm around my shoulders.
Dean: Ngizobashaya if they continue
stressing you, yezwa?
Me: Argh, you’re also a problem in my life,
so shut up.
Dean: I’m offended.
Me: I want to go home.
Dean: Will I see you tomorrow?
Me: I don’t know. I’ll let you know.
Derek: Let’s get going. She needs to sleep.
Dean looks at him.
Dean: We’ll talk later.
Derek nods and gets in the car.
Dean: Are you sure you’ll be fine?
Me: Hai, man. I’m not sick.
I push him off and get in the car.
Me: Bye.
Dean: Shap.
Derek drives off and I sink on my seat and
doze off instantly.
Yazi this family is a lot.
I should call Tholi later and check on her,
because she also looked like she was
going through a lot.

INSERT 260 (Unedited)

The following morning, I really struggle to
wake up.
It’s not going to be a good day.
I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I don’t want to smile or laugh.
I want to be miserable and alone.
But, I have a work function to attend. I
have to pretend to be chirpy. I have to
interact with parents and pretend to be
excited.
I just… I’m tired, man. I’m tired of this
family. Every time we think everything is
cool, something comes up. Now, Liwa’s
father, whom we thought didn’t exist,
turns out to be Nolwazi and Tholi’s ex-
father-in-law.
Derek walks in with a tray. He places it
next to me and walks out.
When I woke up earlier, I told him I’d like
to be left alone as much as possible. He
agreed and said he loves me.
I don’t have any complaints when it
comes to him. He continues to love me the
way I want to be loved.
I get out of be and go brush my teeth.
Thereafter, I eat breakfast and sit there
for 30 minutes, trying to convince myself
to get out of bed and take a shower.
Eventually, I get up and go to the
bathroom…
***
Derek: Ready to go?
I nod.
We make our way out and drive to
school… Star is going to be with granny
dearest. I don’t have to deal with her
today.
***
When we get to school, these fucken
teachers are chilling in their classes
instead of setting up on the field and
making sure that we’re ready. Parents
and students are going to start coming in
in 2 hours.
I go to one of the classes and find them in
there, busy with their phones.
They all stand when I get in.
Me: Really? What happened to team
work?
They make excuses about how they were
getting a few things from the
classrooms…
I leave them there.
Derek bumps into me and sees that I’m
evidently pissed.
He tries getting me to talk.
Me: Derek, not now.
I walk past him and go outside.
For the next hour, I’m running around like
a headless chicken. I’m panicking now,
because it seems like we won’t be ready
soon. Ngathi I didn’t plan this shit myself.
Do you know what my crazy ass did as
soon as those teachers finally came to
“help”? I told those bitches to fuck off and
go home… and to never come back…
I have no idea where they are now.
I’m overwhelmed, but I’m too busy to pay
attention to my anxiety. I have shit to do.
I walk inside the office and bump into
Derek again. Where the heck has he been?
So mina I must run around while he
disappears? Really?
Derek: Baby-
Just then, Dean, Liwa, Mdu, Malusi, and
Joe walk in.
Liwa: Dlamz, what do you need us to do?
Yhu, did I not burst into tears? That’s the
first time anyone has asked me how they
can help!
They all stare at me as I cry.
Derek tries holding me and I push him
away.
He must stay away from me!
I eventually stop crying and wipe my face.
Me: Please make sure that every station is
set up and that the sound system is ready.
Liwa: On it.
Me: Good morning, by the way.
Liwa gives me a hug before walking out. I
hug Malusi and Joe as well before they
walk out.
Dean: And then?
Me: Nothing.
Dean: Yoh, sivelelwe yile-depression.
He walks out.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Is the problem with me? Because
you seem to be okay with everyone else.
Me: Where have you been? Why am I the
only one who is running around trying to
get this place ready?
He knows very well that my main love
language is Acts of Service, so I need him
to be hands on in such moments.
Derek: I was fetching Star. Your mother
was complaining about her crankiness.
Me: Since when does my mother struggle
with Liyakha’s crankiness?
He tries speaking.
Me: Mxm.
I walk out.
Ya, our communication is great, blah blah
blah, but I’m highly annoyed right now,
and if I stayed there for a second longer, I
would have taken it too far.
***
By the time parents and students arrive,
the space is ready and it’s as if we were
ready from the get go. The sound system
is perfect and the vibe is great. The space
is filling up and everyone seems to be in
high-spirits.
I’m with Little Star right now, because
she’s apparently so moody, that my
mother can’t take it. She’s been crying and
acting up all morning.
The teachers I technically fired earlier
have called me and asked to speak to me.
We go to one of the classrooms, and they
apologise and make lame excuses for
their behaviour.
Me: I’m extremely disappointed. None of
you exhibited the traits of a team. We will
deal with this on Monday.
Nxa.
Me: Just make sure you stick to your roles
till the end of the event. No one is allowed
to be in these classes, they should be
locked.
I watch as they walk out.
Star starts crying.
Me: Yini kanti?
I sit on a desk and breastfeed her.
Man, I’m really have a bad day. I knew I
should have stayed in bed. I am beyond
cranky.
I think the best solution is for me to chill
here for a while, until my mood improves.
I just need some solitude.
My thoughts are interrupted by the door
opening.
No.
Buhle peeps in and smiles.
No, I don’t need this. Not now, please,
Universe.
Buhle: Hey, Ziyanda.
I look at her.
Ziyanda: Hi.
She closes the door and walks in.
No, please go away!
Buhle: Is this your daughter?
Eish.
I nod lightly and look at Star, who seems
to be doing better.
Buhle: Derek invited me…
No shit Sherlock.
Me: Hmkay.
She sighs loudly. I focus on Star.
Buhle: I want to ask you something.
I look at her blankly.
Buhle: How lon-
Me: Hold on.
I finish up with Star, and then hold her
properly.
Buhle stares at Star and smiles ever so
brightly.
Buhle: Can I hold her?
I raise an eyebrow.
She’s not serious. She can’t be serious.
There’s no way Star will even last a
second in her arms. She’ll be traumatised
by her loud cries and screams, and vow
never to have kids…
Me: No, you can't.
Buhle: Oh… I understand.
She steps closer to me and touches Star’s
cheek. Yoh, she is not going anywhere
mos. The Universe is not on my side
today. Maybe it’s because I decided that it
would be a bad day before it even began.
Now I’m being tested with all this human
interaction.
Buhle: She’s really cute.
Me: Thanks.
I take a step back, because I can tell that
Star is also not enjoying this interaction. I
don’t want her to start crying. I won’t be
able to handle it. I’m also fragile right
now.
Buhle chuckles.
Uhlekani? Ngizom’phoxa phela.
Just then, Star starts crying.
I try not to cry too. I hate it when she gets
like this, because she overwhelms me. I
hate not being able to make her stop
crying in such moments.
I guess I understand my mother’s
frustrations.
I look at Star in defeats as she sobs.
Me: Yini manje?
She cries louder and more intensely.
I try to comfort her.
Me: Star…
Buhle: Uhm, do you need anything?
I shake my head and continue comforting
her.
Me: She’s just being dramatic.
Her cries continue to intensify. I’m 5 to
crying too!
Suddenly, the door opens, and Derek’s
scent fills the room. I want to cry even
more, because I need a hug from him.
Derek: And then?
Me: Uqalile. I don’t know what’s
happening.
Derek chuckles as he walks towards me
and takes Star.
He plants kisses on her chubby cheeks.
Derek: Star, what's wrong?
I grunt.
Me: I'm not in the mood for her drama.
Not today.
Derek continues focusing on her.
Derek: Your mother is over you. Stop this.
Star’s cries are becoming less intense.
He gently rubs and pats her back. She
eventually stops sobbing and the hiccups
stop.
Derek: There you go…
He plants kisses all over her face and she
giggles.
Mxm. Damn drama queen.
Me: I need some fresh air.
Yoh, nkos’ yami.
I walk out of the classroom and go to the
bathroom first. I sit there for about five
minutes and try to gather my thoughts.
Just then, someone walks in.
Derek: Baby.
I groan.
Derek: Baby.
Me: Leave me alone.
Derek: I’ve given you your space… We
have to nip this in the bud.
He stands by my closed door, and I unlock
it. He pushes it and looks at me softly.
Derek: Can I come in?
Me: There isn’t enough space for the two
of us.
Derek: Perfect. He steps in and I make
space for him. After a struggle, we
manage to close the door.
Derek: “I” statements?
I sulk and nod.
He keeps quiet and waits for me to speak.
Me: I feel frustrated… really really really
frustrated.
He nods.
Me: When you disappear, knowing that
your presence is needed. I’m frustrated,
because I think it means you’re not as
invested as I am in this event. What I
needed was for you step up… and you
eventually did after a while…
He nods.
Derek: You sound angry, because I
disappeared without informing you. Next
time, I will let you know if something else
requires my attention and I won’t be able
to assist you. I will also make sure that I
don’t leave you stranded. I apologise,
baby.
As usual, hearing him acknowledge how
his actions have affected me makes me
feel much better.
I smile and hug him.
Me: I forgive you. Thank you, baby.
Derek: You rarely call me baby, so this is
great.
I giggle and give him a kiss.
Derek: I’d also like to say something.
Me: I’m listening.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: I feel sad and defeated, when you
shut me out the way you have been doing
today. Every time I tried speaking to you,
you attacked me. I didn’t like that,
because I think it means you want
nothing to do with me.
Whoa, okay…
I have to think before I speak. He has just
expressed how my actions have made him
feel… I can’t justify my actions, because
that means I’m refusing to acknowledge
the result of my actions (despite the
intent behind my actions)… Yes, I was
cranky and overwhelmed, but I don’t
need to mention that right now. I should
just absorb his words, reflect on how I
contributed to the mess, and what I’ll do
next time.
Me: Okay… You sound sad, because I
haven’t been kind to you, and I have been
dismissing you. Next time, I will try my
best to remain kind even when I don’t
necessarily want to be around you or
anyone. I will not attack you, instead I will
politely let you know that I’m not in the
right space to communicate. I’m sorry for
making you sad. I love you, Star.
He smiles.
Derek: I love you even more.
Me: No, I love you more, silly!
We go back and forth and eventually
share a kiss.
I feel lighter.
Derek: Let’s go… I have to welcome
everyone.
Me: Shap.
***
When we get to our tent, we find
everyone there.
They all look at me carefully.
Me: I’m fine, guys!
They all sigh dramatically and I roll my
eyes.
Me: Mxm!
Liwa: Did you see your girlfriend, Mr
Principal?
Once again, they make fun of Derek- now
even Malusi and Joe are part of the mess.
Gabi: I don’t understand why you haven’t
beaten the bitch! Bitches are sneaky!
I shut them out and take Little Star from
Nomvuyo.
Gosh, now they’re all debating about how
to handle crushes when you’re married.
Derek walks away. He has a speech to
make.
Malusi needs to shut up, because we all
know he failed multiple times to handle
crushes. Akafebi akafebi! He must sit this
one out.
Their debate is interrupted by Derek. He’s
on stage. Everyone quietens down.
Derek: I would like to officially welcome
you all to our first Fun Day. I trust that
you are ready for today’s festivities. I
would like to reiterate that all the ticket
sales are not going in my pocket, as much
I would love the extra cash.
He chuckles.
Derek: My wife and I have decided to
partner up with a disadvantaged school.
All the money we get from our school
events, moving forward, will provide
resources for that school, and food for the
students. Last week, we asked you to
nominate one parent in each grade to
work hand in hand with us, and ensure
that the money actually does what it’s
supposed to do. Please check this week’s
newsletter for more details.
The crowd claps.
Derek: I hope you all have a good time.
Thank you.
The music plays and everyone continues
with what they were doing.
Zimkitha is busy preparing her stall, she’ll
be selling waffles in a stick. She keeps
chasing away the kids, telling them that
she’s not ready yet.
I need to meet up with Niki. We have a lot
to catch up on. The bitch is living her best
life with Kwanele, going on baecations
and shit kanti akazi ukuthi she’s going to
be joining this family too!
The debate about crushes is still on.
At this point, I’ve shut them out. I’m
genuinely exhausted yazi. I want to sleep.
Just then, we spot Derek walking towards
us.
Everyone chuckles when they see that
he’s with Buhle.
Zimkitha: Don’t act weird, please. This girl
has an innocent crush!
Gabi: Fuck that shit.
Nolwazi: Eish, I have to agree with Gabi
on this one. Some of these women have
bad intentions. Surprise, surprise.
They eventually get to us.
Derek looks a tad uncomfortable, and I’m
enjoying this.
This is how they made me feel when they
said Andile has a crush on me! Payback is
a bitch!
Buhle assesses the scene, and everyone
assesses her as well.
Zimkitha: Hey, dear. How are you? Buhle
clears her throat.
Buhle: I’m well, thanks, Zimkitha. How are
you?
Zimkitha: I’m great!
Derek: Buhle, this is my family.
Buhle keeps quiet.
Derek: This is Dean, whom you have met,
and Nolwazi, his wife… They got married
recently... This is Liwa and his wife,
Nomvuyo.
I can see her trying not to stare at
Nomvuyo for too long. Lol, that’s what
always happens when people meet her
for the first time.
Derek introduces everyone.
I focus on Star, and when I look up, I find
Buhle staring at me.
She seems confused.
Derek: And this is Ziyanda and Little
Star… My wife and daughter.
Buhle’s face instantly changes.
Hawu, kanti doesn’t she know that I’m
Ngidi’s person? Mos Derek mentioned
that he’s engaged… right? Didn’t she see
how Derek was around me and Star? Or
was I that cold?
Derek: I thought you managed to infer
that Ziyanda is mine…
Nomvuyo: Clearly you need to work on
your PDA skills.
Derek looks at me and smiles. I look at
him blankly. It is very clear that this poor
girl feels blindsided. Her face says it all!
Derek said she would tell her about me!
Derek: So, yes… This is my family…
Dean is shaking his head lightly and
chuckling.
This snitch is enjoying this shit. In fact, all
of them think it’s a joke. Even Tholi seems
entertained, with her red ass chubby
cheeks.
Liwa: Hi, Buhle. We saw each other
earlier, remember?
Buhle clears her throat and tries to smile.
Yoh, the awkwardness is out of this
world!
Buhle: Yes, we did…
Derek: Baby, I was just telling Buhle that
you like the idea of opening a home for
abused wives and children.
Me: I love it.
She looks at me.
Me: I think it’s brilliant.
I’m sure talking about her project will
loosen her up.
She clears her throat.
Buhle: I’m glad you like it.
Nomvuyo: Great! So, you’re all going to
work together! Ziyanda will be a great
addition to your little tag team!
Liwa: I’d also love to be invol-
Nomvuyo: Liwa, I’d like a wors roll,
please.
Liwa grunts as he stands and walks away.
Yoh, nanguNomvuyo with her nasty
attitude.
Buhle: It’s nice to meet you all. She walks
away quickly.
There’s a long silence.
Tholi: That was awkward!
Me: No shit, Sherlock.
I look at them as they continue with their
conversations as if nothing happened.
Me: You are such a mean bunch.
Liwa: Is this the part where you
mysteriously feel sorry for a stranger and
then drag us into it?
Mdu: And try to make us feel bad?
Nomvuyo: And throw a pity party?
Dean: Or try to befriend them, because
you’re weak?
Me: Wow!
I look at Derek.
Me: She seemed surprised that I’m your
“wife.”
Derek shrugs.
Me: Gosh… Take your child…
He takes Star and I walk off.
I have finally realised who Buhle reminds
me of… Tholi… I’ve mentioned that
there’s something child-like about her,
right? Yep, that’s the Tholi factor. All
innocent-looking and shit.
I walk into the building and check the
bathrooms first. Akekho.
I walk around and reach my classroom.
Sure enough, she’s there. She’s on the
phone.
I stand there, until she turns and sees me.
She looks at me in shock. She looks like
she’s on the verge of tears.
Buhle: Uhm… Ziyanda. I close the door
and take a few steps towards her.
She steps back.
Bathong, is she scared of me? What is she
expecting me to do? Beat her up?
What a joke, madahling.
I stare at her.
Me: Is this the part where I come to you
“woman to woman?”
She tries speaking, but ends up stepping
back once I get close to her.
I try not to laugh. I find it funny that she
keeps stepping back as if I’m planning on
doing something. Doesn’t she know that
I’m not that person anymore? Growth is a
real thing in my life, you know?
But ke, let me have some fun.
Me: No one will hear us fight. We may as
well beat each other up, and get it over
and done with. Phela you’re coming for
what’s mine.
She looks around the class. Lol, is she
trying to find a weapon?
Me: I’ve been told that I’m an irrational
person when I’m too passionate, whether
the passion is positive or negative…
She stares at me.
Me: But, I’ve also been told that there are
times when my reactions don’t make
sense… especially if I react differently to
what is expected.
I try to pull a straight face and not laugh.
This is very ridiculous. And even if I did
want a fight… Why in the world would I
pick it with her? It is very clear that she
has never gotten into a fight in her life.
That would be bullying, and I’m no bully. I
fight people that say things with their
chests.
And like I said, she gives me Tholi vibes.
There’s no way I’d put my hands on cute
Tholi. In fact, there’s no way I’d put my
hands on anyone, unless the case is
extreme.
Me: You seem to have taken a liking to
Derek.
She looks down.
Buhle: I… She huffs in defeat.
Me: Who wouldn’t like him? He’s a sweet
guy.
She looks at me in confusion.
Me: A stupid, but cute and sweet nerd,
right?
She must think I’m crazy. Lol.
Me: We don’t have to have this
conversation… do we?
Sarcasm alert.
Buhle: No.
Me: I don’t have to tell you to watch
yourself?
Buhle: You don’t.
Clearly it’s missed.
I look at her softly.
Me: Good.
Buhle: I didn't, and still don’t, mean any
harm. I apologise.
I nod lightly.
She’s taking my words too literally.
Me: I’d hate to deprive women and
children of a new home…
Buhle groans.
There goes my sarcasm. I hope she
doesn’t take that comment too personally.
Buhle: You… knew all this time?
Me: About your crush? Of course. Even
our receptionist warned me about you.
She sighs.
She’s defeated.
Me: Like I said, I’m a recovering drama
queen. I’m also a recovering petty person.
I may have relapsed via the lunch thing
with Dean. I allowed that to happen.
She keeps quiet.
She’s processing.
Me: We won’t have this conversation
again, yes?
Buhle: Yes.
Me: Good. In case you haven’t noticed,
there are a lot of stray dogs around here,
ready to attack on my behalf.
She is confused.
She is lost.
Me: So, now that the official introductions
have taken place, do you mind telling me
about your project? I’m intrigued.
Surely, this is an an olive branch? Poor
soul looks shook.
She clears her throat.
Buhle: Let me go to the bathroom first…
I shrug and sit on the desk.
Me: Hmkay.
Buhle walks out.
Derek’s handsomeness is putting me in
difficult situations yazi… Had I been with
umubiza ngabe ayikho yonke lento.
INSERT 261
Derek and I are finally in bed, after a long
hot day.
Me: Star, awusho, why didn’t you tell
Buhle about me? Jokes aside. He grunts.
Derek: How was I supposed to know that
she’s slow? Adults are supposed to have
common sense.
Me: Did you see how shook she was?
He shrugs nonchalantly.
Me: I spoke to her and she was legit
terrified. Am I really that scary?
Derek: You have your moments.
I punch him lightly and he chuckles.
Derek: I’m going to cancel this whole
thing and do my own thing.
Me: Huh?
Derek: I have a strange feeling about her.
Me: Dramatic much?
Derek: Dean is right. It’s never a good idea
to work with someone who likes you.
I laugh for a good minute.
Me: What about me? Didn’t we work
together? Also, Dean said that? The one
who was probably pounding Nolwazi in
his office?
Derek: You can’t compare our situation
with this one.
Me: Why not?
Derek: We both had feelings for each
other. This shit right here wasn’t one
sided.
Me: Bhuti, ngathi you’re forgetting that
you had a crush on me first, and I wanted
nothing to do with you!
Derek: I don’t know what you’re talking
about.
Me: Derek, you annoyed me for weeks! I
had to block you!
Derek: But all of that changed once you
met up with me in person. Do you want
me to remind you how dizzy you got as
soon as you sat opposite me and refused
to take off your sunglasses, because I was
mesmerising.
Me: Wowww!
He laughs as he continues making fun of
me.
Heyi, thinking back, I was very taken
aback by Derek’s charm that day.
Derek: And then the you saw me at
work… Remember how stiff you became?
Me: Argh.
Derek: Don’t ever come for me. I have the
receipts.
Me: Argh, whatever.
He looks at me more seriously.
Derek: The point I’m trying to make is
that we both wanted each other. I don’t
want Buhle, but she obviously wants me.
Even after she found out about my
relationship status, she would still
breathe my name heavily and act all
giddy. I don’t like that shit.
I sigh.
Derek: Baby, you don’t have to pretend to
be okay with this. I genuinely don’t mind
distancing myself from her. I don’t think
we’ll work well together.
Me: I’m really okay with her. Derek, after
the Busi thing, you really proved yourself
to me. I no longer stress myself about my
position in your life. You continuously
choose me, so a little crush isn’t going to
send me to the mountains, crying. I feel
secured, and I know you can handle
working with Buhle.
Derek: Then you mustn’t complain when I
become cold.
Me: None of that is necessary. You two are
working on something that will change
people’s lives. The cause is bigger than
this little crush she has. Focus on what’s
important.
Derek: I’d like you to be more involved.
Me: I’d love to… Tell me more about it…
He smiles as he begins telling me about
the project.
I’m going to keep a close eye on Buhle.
Yes, her lil crush is cute and innocent, but
I’ll definitely be watching her. Petty is
always ready to drag someone, both
figuratively and literally.
***
The following day, I get a call from
Zimkitha.
Me: Zimi.
Zimkitha: Hello, sthandwa sami. How are
you?
Me: I’m good, and you?
Zimkitha: I’m great. I was just checking in.
Me: We’re just resting.
Zimkitha: Kanti when are you going to
start planning the wedding?
Me: I’m still thinking about what I want…
I don’t know, I’m going with the flow.
Zimkitha: Hai, Ziyanda. A wedding is not
something you can put together in a
month.
Me: I’ll make it work. You must remember
that it will be extremely intimate, so I’m
not planning for a crowd.
Zimkitha: Either way, you need to get to
work. You also need to tell everyone
about it. I don’t understand why you’re so
secretive.
I sigh.
Me: Hmkay.
Zimkitha: So I’d like you to come over for
lunch.
Me: Hmm. What are you up to?
Zimkitha: Nothing, I just want you to meet
Bheki.
Me: What?!
She laughs.
Zimkitha: I want you to meet him.
Me: Zimkitha!
Zimkitha: Zizi, just be here at 2pm.
Me: Should I come with Der-
Zimkitha: No! Just you!
Me: Why?
Zimkitha: Those boys can be dramatic. I
don’t need their drama today.
Me: Heeh!
We laugh.
Me: Alright then, I’ll see you later.
Zimkitha: Shap. Love you.
Me: Love you too.
I end the call.
Derek: She wants you to meet her man?
I nod.
Derek: I’m not invited?
Me: Nope.
Derek: Good.
Me: Tjo.
Derek: I don’t think I’m in the mood to see
the man that has sex with Zimkitha.
Me: Nkanyezi!
He grunts and continues watching TV.
Me: I’m actually excited! What should I
ask him??
Derek: Why he allowed Zimkitha to
continue living with her abusive parents,
knowing that he could take care of her.
Whoa.
Derek: Why he chose Thenjiwe over
Zimkitha.
Just like that? Ngaswaba same time.
Derek: Need more questions?
I look at him in shock.
He increases the volume and I know that’s
my cue to either shut up or leave. I choose
to leave, because I’m not about to interact
with Mr Grumpy.
***
By the time I get to the Mzinyathi castle, I
am beyond nervous.
Derek made me realise that there’s
actually a lot that needs to be examined
with this situation. How is Liwa okay with
this? When did he find out?
I make my way to the porch and find a
man there…
This is definitely him.
Why was I expecting an ancient man with
wrinkly hands?
This man looks good for his age.
He looks at me and smiles.
What do I call him?
Bheki? Bab’Bheki? Bab’Buthelezi?
Bab’Bae?
Bheki: Ziyanda?
I suddenly can’t speak! What do I call
him?
He stands and puts out his hand.
Me: Sawu-
Just then, Zimkitha walks out and I sigh in
relief.
Zimkitha: Zizi. Hey, baby.
She gives me a hug.
She looks at me and then at Bheki.
Zimkitha: Have you introduced yourself?
Bheki: I was about to…
Hai nina! These people are in love!
I just… I don’t know how to respond to
this… Zimi has always been… Zimi, you
know?
Zimkitha: Zizi, this is Bheki… We have a
rich history…
She looks at him and smiles
mischievously.
Zimkitha: Bheki, this is Ziyanda. My other
daughter.
Bheki nods and puts out his hand again.
He looks at me and smiles warmly.
Bheki: I’ve heard a lot about you, Ziyanda.
It’s nice to finally meet you.
I automatically put out my hand.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too… I recently
found out about your presence.
He chuckles as we shake hands.
Bheki: So I’ve been told.
He is very soft spoken. Akaphaphi.
I don’t know why I find myself comparing
him to my father. My father is also soft
spoken. He has a lot to say, but he’s not
out there, unless he’s really comfortable
around you.
Me: Uhm, so what should I call you?
Bheki and Zimkitha laugh.
Zimkitha: Call him whatever you want.
Bab’Bae.
Me: Bab’Bheki or Bab’Bu-
Zimkitha: Haibo, that’s too formal. Bheki
is fine.
Me: Alright then.
Zimkitha: We’ll have lunch inside. The
weather is a bit shady. She takes my hand
and then takes Bheki’s hand.
Zimkitha: I’m famished!
Ya neh… I guess this is a real thing. I’m
not dreaming. Zimkitha is openly in love!
***
Me: Where’s Vuvu and Liwa?
Zimkitha: They’re spending the weekend
at the other house with the kids.
Me: So you have this mansion to yourself?
Zimkitha: Not really.
Yoh, she looks at Bheki.
Weird enough, the thought of Zimi having
sex is not too gross. She definitely looks
like a freak. I mean, she’s always been
open about her hoe phase!
We’re now eating and chatting. I like
Bab’Bae. He’s chilled. I think more than
anything, I like the way he looks at Zimi.
They also have these moments where
they stare at each other and smile for a
few seconds. Very cute.
Me: So, are you divorced, Bheki?
Bheki: Yes.
Me: Apparently your ex wife is crazy.
That’s out of my mouth before I can even
stop myself.
Zimkitha laughs.
Bheki: She is insane.
Me: Then why did you choose her over
Zimkitha? Zimi is not crazy.
Me and my big ass mouth!
There’s silence.
Shit.
Bheki sighs and looks at me seriously.
Bheki: I was told to prepare myself for
your inquisitiveness.
Me: Am I offending you?
Bheki: Not at all.
I sigh in relief.
Bheki: Our lives have been complicated
for many years.
Me: If you loved Zimi, and you loved her
when you guys were still young, then how
come you’re only reconnecting after all
these years? Why wasn’t she your first
choice?
At this point, I’m unstoppable.
Bheki: That’s a mouthful…
He sighs.
Bheki: We weren’t allowed to be together.
Her parents resented me. We were forced
to separate.
Me: You didn’t fight for her?
Bheki: You have to understand that things
were different back then. As children, we
were not allowed to go against our
parents… This rule followed us even
when we were adults. Our families took
control of our lives, and because we didn’t
know any better, we had no choice but to
allow them to. This was the culture back
then. Parents had power over us. None of
us even attempted to go against them…
None of us had the courage to go against
them.
Me: So you were also forced to marry
Thenjiwe?
He nods.
Bheki: My path was set in stone. Till this
day, I don’t know what the arrangement
was with Thenjiwe’s family. All I know is
that I had no choice but to marry her. Her
family seemed to have more power than
my family.
Me: So… Liwa and Princess… Did you and
Zimi have an affair?
Bheki: Zimkitha has always been the love
of my life.
Me: You just couldn’t be together.
He nods.
Bheki: You young people look at us now
and think we are weaklings, but you have
no idea how harsh our living conditions
were back then. We were basically
commodities. Our parents gave birth to us
and then sold us off as if we were packets
of sweets. We were powerless. There was
no such thing as “rights.” It’s so easy for
you to look down on us, and say we’re
weak…
Zimkitha: Times have obviously changed,
but we’re still unlearning everything we
were taught by our parents. You all expect
us to switch up and adapt immediately to
how things are now, but it’s very difficult.
We come from a different generation.
Me: I understand…
Bheki: We were very oppressed.
Zimkitha’s parents married her off,
because they were going to benefit from
Luvuyo’s family. My family married me
off, because they were going to benefit
from Thenjiwe’s family.
Zimkitha: I still maintain that they were
worried that their bitter daughter wasn’t
going to find a husband by herself.
I chuckle.
Me: So…
I look at Bheki.
Me: How did you feel about not being
there for Liwa and Princess?
Bheki: I was there… They just didn’t know
me as their father.
Me: Really??
He nods.
Bheki: Obviously I didn’t have quality
time with them… I regret that…
I nod.
Me: And how did you… uhm... process the
abuse Zimkitha experienced at the hands
of Zweli?
Zimkitha: Let’s finish up. The dessert is
read-
Bheki: Zweli?
He looks at Zimkitha questioningly.
What’s happening?
Bheki: Zweli abused you?
Whoa!
Zimkitha sighs.
Zimkitha: I’d rather we talk about that
later, please.
She looks at him pleadingly.
Haibo, so he doesn’t know?
Bheki nods and then looks at me.
Bheki: How is Derek doing? Has he
processed the news?
Oh okay. So he knows that Zimi is their
mother…
Me: He’s gradually coming to terms with
it.
He nods and smiles knowlingly.
Bheki: And Dean?
Me: He hates your son’s guts.
Bheki: I’ve been informed…
Me: How is Kwanele?
He smiles warmly.
Bheki: He’s doing really great. Your friend
has managed to loosen him up. He is in a
good space.
Now I legit miss Niki.
Bheki: I’m hoping he’ll marry her.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Bheki: I’ve never seen him this happy.
He’s been through a lot…
He sighs.
Bheki: I failed him as a father… I
contributed to his life falling apart.
Zimkitha: At least he’s finally finding his
voice… We can’t keep holding on to the
past. We need to start living in the now.
They look at each other again.
I guess I like Bheki.
Yes, I like him. I fully support this
relationship. They’re adorable!
***
When I arrive home, I find Andile in the
lounge.
Me: And then?
Andile: Hello to you too.
Me: Is everything okay?
Andile: Ya, Derek and I have some work to
do.
Me: Oh okay…
I smile and open up my arms.
Me: Hello.
He stands and we share a hug.
Andile: Hey.
He sits and Derek walks to the lounge.
Me: Hey, Star.
Derek plants a kiss on my cheek and sits
next to Andile.
Me: Aren’t you going to ask me how my
lunch with your stepfather went?
He looks at me sharply.
Me: Ohho.
As I turn around, something in my brain
clicks. I turn again and look at Andile.
Andile: And then?
I smile mischievously.
They both stare at me.
Andile: No, Ziyanda.
Me: Please?
Andile: No.
Me: Andile, come on! It will be better this
time.
Andile: No.
With that said, he takes his laptop and
focuses on it.
Me: Just trust me.
He ignores me.
Derek: Baby, we have work to do.
Me: Hmkay.
I walk away and go to the bedroom…
He just needs to trust me, that’s all!
INSERT 262 (Unedited)
Me: Star.
He looks up from his food.
Me: You good?
He nods and focuses on his food again.
I’ve had to be very patient with him,
because I understand what he’s been
through. Too many secrets were revealed
back to back, and he has moments where
you can clearly see that he’s battling with
everything. It hasn’t been easy supporting
him.
However, he still has that spark in his
eyes when he’s around me, and that’s all
the motivation I need to continue being
strong for him. I appreciate how in his
time of need, he knows without a doubt
that he can count on me.
Me: Star.
He looks up again.
Me: Bheki isn’t a bad person…
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: I’ve never seen Zimkitha this happy.
Derek: I told you I don’t want to discuss
this.
I nod lightly.
Derek: I’m processing it.
Me: What exactly are you processing?
Derek: That Liwa’s father is not a rapist
and mine is.
Yoh, I immediately keep quiet and finish
my food.
Yabona ke, I’m not going to delve into this
issue with him. It needs Melinda.
Me: Do you need space?
He nods.
Me: Okay.
I stand and walk towards him.
Me: Can I get a hug before I leave you?
He stands and I wrap my arms around his
waist.
Me: I love you. He buries his head on my
neck for the longest time. I hold him
tightly and we continue standing there for
a while.
He eventually puts his head up and looks
at me. Shame, man, he’s sad.
Derek: I want to get over this phase.
Me: Allow yourself to go through the pain
that comes with each difficult situation.
That’s the only way you get over it. You
can’t push it away or run from it, because
that only makes it worse. Just feel the
pain… Bask in it until you feel like you
have gathered enough strength to truly
move on from the situation. No one is
timing you or expecting you to heal
instantly. Go through your pain.
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Me: I’ll be in the bedroom watching
Married to Medicine.
He nods lightly and we share kiss.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
We let go of each other and I take my
plate and go to the bedroom. My mother
is still gallivanting the streets with Little
Star. I get to the bathroom and chill there,
hoping that Star will come up soon so I
can squeeze him for the rest of the night.
As for the Zimkitha issue, I’m going to put
it on pause. I was planning on telling Dean
and Derek about our lunch and giving
them new insight on Bheki. However, I
don’t want to annoy them. When the time
is right, I’ll do the things.
***
A couple of days have passed, and Star is
feeling much better.
We are in his (soon to be mine) office,
working. I’m busy checking the teachers’
lesson plans, and Derek is doing his own
thing. I must say that as much as I enjoy
my personal space, I do love these
moments with Star. We sit silently and do
our work without bothering each other.
We both have the same working styles,
we love silence- complete silence.
Derek clears his throat and I look at him.
Derek: Have I told you you look stunning
today?
Me: No, not at all, Mr Fiance.
Derek: You look stunning!
We laugh as we reminisce about Xolani,
who is living his best life overseas. People
are travelling and flourishing, I tell you.
He got out of rehab, and went on his Eat
Pray and Love journey. I once attempted
that shit, and it caused more chaos than
peace!
Derek: We should get going. Our meeting
is in 30 minutes.
Me: Shap. Give me 5 minutes.
Derek: Okay.
We’re meeting up with Buhle this
afternoon. Derek told me all about the
project and now I have ideas for how they
can spice things up and make it better.
Andile walks in. He’s been out the whole
morning.
Me: Hiiii!
Andile: You’re on timeout.
He’s been ignoring me since I told him
about my plans to hook him up with
someone.
Derek: We’ll see you tomorrow. I doubt
we’ll come back after our meeting.
Andile: YOU can come back. SHE mustn’t.
Me: Boooo!
Derek chuckles.
Me: Should I call the nywembulance?
Andile grunts as I pack up and continue
making fun of him.
Derek: Trust me, she’s not your type,
Andile.
Me: Derek!!!!
Derek: Hai. I don’t think Andile will like
her.
Me: Shut up! No one needs your little
opinion!
Derek laughs and walks out. I look at
Andile.
Me: See you tomorrow. He continues
ignoring me.
Me: Love you too!
I walk out and follow Derek. He is going to
get a piece of my mind! Bloody sellout!
***
We watch as Buhle makes her way inside
the restaurant.
Me: Don’t be mean.
Derek: Hmkay.
She finally gets to us.
She stares at Derek for the longest time
before looking at me.
Buhle: Good afternoon.
Derek smiles and stands.
Fake smile.
Derek: Hi.
He opens up his arms and they share a
hug.
Buhle is holding on for dear life…
Derek: How are you?
Buhle: I’m good, and you?
Derek: I’m good, thanks.
She looks at me and I smile lightly.
Me: Hey.
Buhle: Hey, Ziyanda.
I move my bag from the chair, and she
sits.
Buhle: Is Zimkitha still joining us? Derek
shakes his head.
Derek: She’s not feeling well.
Lol, more like she’s in Loveville and she
has no time for us.
Buhle: Oh, alright. I hope she gets better.
Derek nods lightly.
Derek: So, you really didn’t realise that Zi
is my person?
Lol.
She smiles and shakes her head.
Derek: Hmm.
He looks at me.
Derek: Does that say something about my
displays of affection?
Me: Derek, awume kancane. We have
important things to discuss.
He’s trying to make Buhle uncomfortable,
but he’s doing it in a slick way. Outchea
smiling and being extra nice.
I look at Buhle.
Me: What inspired you to start your NGO?
Buhle sighs.
Buhle: When I started as a journalist, I
covered a lot of abuse stories: women
getting killed by their husbands and
boyfriends, children being molested… It
was too much… I knew I had to do
something else besides covering these
stories, something tangible.
I nod slowly.
Me: So, you’re a journalist?
Buhle: Yes.
Me: That’s amazing. How do you help
them psychologically, because I’m sure
they suffer from PTSD.
Buhle: I’ve partnered up with a few
psychiatrists.
Me: Wow, that’s really great, Buhle. Well
done.
She stares at me in confusion.
Does she still think I want to beat her up?
Me: I’ve personally experienced abuse,
and I’m fortunate to have had people in
my corner from the get go. I think what
you’re doing is admirable. I love that
you’re not just focusing on women, but
children too. Childhood trauma can ruin
one’s adulthood, so if it’s dealt with
accordingly, the child has the opportunity
to become a sane adult.
Buhle: Definitely. That’s why my life
revolves around this NGO.
Me: How do you balance your personal
life and this?
Buhle: It’s a struggle. My friends always
complain.
Derek: You get too involved with work?
Buhle nods.
Me: It’s important to find that balance
though… You can’t fill up other people’s
cups while yours is running dry.
Derek coughs a few times.
Argh… I’m sure he wants to point out the
irony, since I love filling up other people’s
cups.
Me: Anyway, what’s the way forward?
Derek didn’t really give me the full details.
Buhle: We don’t have the full details yet.
I nod.
Me: I’d rather listen to what you have in
mind first, before I bulldoze you with my
ideas. I tend to get too passionate.
She smiles.
Buhle: I don’t mind, really. If it’s going to
benefit other people, then I’m all for it.
Derek: We are thinking of opening a space
for the women and children Buhle
encounters.
Me: What kind of space? A home? A clinic?
A mental health facility? Buhle sighs.
Buhle: Most of them depend on these men
for everything. I would like it to be a
shelter.
I nod lightly.
You can see that she means well.
Me: Well, I’m all about mental health, so I
have spoken to someone I know, a
psychiatrist that has her own practice.
She’s willing to collaborate, and bring in
her people. They deal with every problem
in the book: anxiety and depression,
eating disorders, addictions, post-
traumatic disorder. She’s willing to do all
of this free of charge.
Buhle: Wait, are you serious??
I nod.
Derek: Is this Melinda?
Me: Yep.
Derek caresses my thigh under the table. I
didn’t tell him about this, I wanted to
surprise him, to show him that I’m really
excited about this great initiative.
Buhle: Oh my goodness! You have no idea
how stressed I’ve been. The group of
professionals I’m working with have been
slacking a bit. I’ve been cracking my skull,
trying to find a way…
Me: And as much as I think working with
the police is good, I also think you need to
collaborate with private security
companies as well.
I look at Derek.
Me: They might come at a price though…
Derek: That’s fine.
I nod and look at Buhle.
Me: I really like your initiative…
Buhle: You have no idea how much this
means to me. I’m grateful for your
interest.
Me: Star, I was also thinking that the
children can enrol at your school-
Derek: Our school. I grunt and look at
Buhle.
Me: We can ensure that they receive good
quality education.
Buhle tries to keep in the tears, but fails
dismally. Aww!
Derek: I didn’t even think of that.
We watch as she wipes her tears.
Buhle: Shuu, I was never ready for this.
We all chuckle.
Derek: Please excuse me…
He looks at me.
Derek: I need to call Andile. I’ll be back
shortly.
Ziyanda: Andile, neh…
Derek: Hai, don’t start…
I chuckle as he stands and walks away.
Buhle: Ziyanda, thank you. I’m really
excited about this.
I nod.
Me: Me too.
Buhle drinks her coffee happily and
finally relaxes…
I look at her coolly and drink my water.
Now I’m convinced that Andile will like
her. She’s sweet, and has built a good life
for herself.
***
I have briefed Andile about Buhle,
because today is the day! He is finally
going to meet her! I’ve been telling him
about her for a few days now.
We’re looking at different properties
today, and Derek has invited Andile,
because he’s an expert when it comes to
this department. He has a diploma in
Property Development and Management.
Derek and Andile had to leave me at
school, because I had a meeting with a
parent, but I’ll be joining them as soon as
I’m done here…
***
My Uber finally drops me off.
I see them standing a few metres away,
and I walk towards them.
Ziyanda: Hello everyone.
Derek pulls me and gives me a kiss. Okay,
someone is an affectionate mood.
I look at Buhle and smile.
Me: How are you?
Buhle: Good, and you?
Me: I’m okay.
I then look at Andile and grin.
Me: This is Buhle.
Andile: Derek has already done the
introductions.
Me: Hmkay.
I need to find out what he thinks about
her!
Derek: Let’s get going.
He looks at Buhle.
Derek: Buhle, I can give you a lift.
Lift? What lift?
Buhle: Thank you, I’d appreciate that.
I notice that there are only two cars,
Derek’s and Andile’s. That means she
didn’t bring her car… This is the perfect
opportunity for Andile to bond with her!
Me: The baby seat might make you
uncomfortable. I think you should go with
Andile. Derek chuckles.
Andile: Let’s go…
Andile starts walking and Buhle follows
him. Aww, look at them!
Derek takes my hand and we walk to the
car.
Derek: Ziyanda Dlamini, you never cease
to amaze me…
Me: Zip it, you sellout!
I haven’t forgive him for trying to
sabotage my mission.
***
We finally get to the first property.
Derek: What do you think?
Buhle: I don’t like the location.
We make our way inside and the agent
shows us around.
Andile: This might take up more money.
This building is too damaged.
Derek nods lightly and looks at me.
Derek: Baby, what do you think?
Me: I agree with Buhle. I also think the
area is shady. I’m pretty sure there are
drug dealers around here.
Derek chuckles and nods.
Me: I told you we should go to Soweto.
Soweto is very central and safe, contrary
to popular belief.
Buhle: Soweto?
I look at her seriously.
Is she coming for what’s mine?
Me: Is there a problem with Soweto?
Buhle: No, not at all… I just didn’t think
about it…
Me: Hmkay.
We continue walking around.
Andile and I are walking side by side. I
slip my arm through his. Derek and Buhle
are on the other side.
Me: Sooo?
Andile: I don’t like her.
Me: For fuck’s sake, Andile, kanti
ufunani??
I’m so touched! Why doesn’t he like her?
Why doesn’t he at least try?!
Andile: I don’t know if you’re aware, but
this woman likes Derek… a lot…
Me: You managed to gauge that in 20
minutes?
He’s annoying me.
Andile: She was acting all weird in the car,
asking me about him… and how long you
guys have been together. Too many
questions…
Me: Excuse me?
I let go of his arm.
Andile: Ziyanda, I know someone who’s in
love, and this girl is definitely in love with
Derek.
He looks at me seriously.
Andile: Watch out for her.
He walks away and leaves me there…
Petty slowly stands and gets ready to take
out her boxing gloves, and I quickly
silence her.
I take a deep breath and shake my head
lightly.
I need to focus.
***
We spent the rest of the afternoon
checking out different properties.
Derek: I think we should take a few days
just to think about the properties we like,
and each decide on our top 2.
Buhle: Seeing as you have done so much
already, I’d like to invite you for lunch or
dinner at my place.
I swear I have to blink a few times…
Derek: Uh, sure… I’ll let you know when Zi
and I can come.
She looks at him. Is that disappointment
in her eyes? Am I seeing properly?
Buhle: Alright.
Me: Include Andile in your plans. He is
very skilled when it comes to such, we
will need his input.
Buhle: Sure…
Me: Great, have a good day further.
Buhle: Okay, bye.
Andile: Do you need a lift?
Buhle: No, thanks. I’ll take an Uber.
Andile nods and looks at Derek and I.
Andile: See you tomorrow.
Me: Shap.
Andile walks off.
Buhle: Thank you for today. I will see you
soon.
Derek: Bye, have a good day further.
Buhle: Bye, Ziyanda.
Ziyanda: Bye.
She requests her Uber and gets in the car.
Derek looks at me concernedly.
Me: What?
Derek: Easy, tiger.
Me: Mxm.
Derek: What’s happening? Your mood did
a 180.
Me: Just annoyed.
Derek: I’m cancelling this shit.
Me: Derek, no… This is a big project.
Derek: We don’t need her. You know this.
I shake my head and sigh in defeat.
Lol, have I been underestimating this
crush situation? Have I been downplaying
it?
Petty nods and crosses her arms, but the
rational part of me silences her quickly.
Chile, this is a sticky situation mos.
Derek: Let’s go.
We make our way to the car.
Derek: How about you drive?
Before I can even protest, he is already
going to the passenger’s side.
Me: Arghhh.
We get in the car and his phone instantly
beeps.
As I’m about to start the car, he puts his
phone close to my face.
Derek: Bheka.
He gives me his phone and I read the
message.
“Hi, Derek. Thank you so much for today. I
just wanted to let you know that I
appreciate your help. I always look
forward to meeting with you, because
you’re so knowledgeable, and I learn a lot
from you. As stated earlier, I’d like to
invite you over for lunch. Let me know
when you can come and if you have any
allergies… Looking forward to seeing you!
-Buhle.”
I read this message again.
Heyi man, I read it one more time, just to
be sure.
I give Derek’s his phone.
Me: And you expect me to drive?
I get out and he also gets out and we
switch places.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Minute.
He nods and keeps quiet. He starts the car
and drives off…
Is a bitch being tested right now?
Is this the part where I take my micellar
water and remove the clown makeup?
Hehe ngiyavivinywa!
And as if that was not enough, that
weekend showed me flames!
***
Derek shakes me lightly.
Me: Hmm.
Derek: Vuka.
I open my eyes and look at him angrily.
Me: I don’t want your dick right now,
Derek.
Derek: Buhle just called me now.
Me: Huh?
I’m not hearing him properly.
He repeats himself.
Derek: Buhle called me. She sounded
drunk.
I immediately sit up and switch on my
side lamp. I look at the time. It’s 3am.
Me: What??
Derek: She said it was a mistake. She was
drunk.
I get out of bed and put on my slippers. I
start walking around, looking for my
gown.
Derek stands.
Derek: Zi?
Me: Where does she live? Ngifuna
ukumnyisa, akhohlwe negama lakhe.
Derek: Baby, cal-
Me: I’m a clown neh? So being nice has
made this bitch think I’m a clown?
Ngiyadlala mina, ngiyi-comedian?!
I continue venting.
I’m drowsy and angry.
Derek manages to calm me down.
Derek: I’ll talk to her. Trust me.
Me: I trust you. It’s that air-head-no-
brain-long-stiff-necked-ass-bitch that is
proving to be untrustworthy!
Heyiii! I want to see her now!
Derek: Ziyanda.
He holds me.
Derek: I’ll deal with it.
Me: You bet you will!
I take a few breaths and calm down again.
Me: I’m triggered. I’m triggered!
Derek: Ziyanda, I will deal with it.
I look at him.
Derek: I won’t have you fetching women
on my behalf. It’s not a good look for you.
I will handle it, trust me.
He calms me down and we get back in
bed.
Sizosinda les’febe sama orphanage. Had I
been with an equally ghetto man right
now, we would be knocking on that
bitch’s door this instant, and he’d watch
me beat some ass! She would really know
what PTSD is!
She must thank the universe that I
managed to upgrade and get myself a man
that considers my image, because the way
I’m feeling right now? My image is the last
thing on my mind.

INSERT 263
I haven’t slept one bit.
It’s now 7am, and my heart has been
beating fast since Derek woke me up at
3am to tell me that a certain heffer had
THE AUDACITY to drunk dial him!
Derek: Baby.
Me: Derek, awume kancane ngabo baby.
Go fetch that dumb bitch.
Derek: It’s 7am.
Mxm.
I get out of bed and go to my mother’s
room. She’s fast asleep and Star is already
up and kicking. Somehow, when she’s
with my mother, she never bothers her if
she wakes up. With me, she usually cries
to let me know that she’s up.
Lol, my mother has secretly informed me
that she quite enjoys being with Derek
and I. She says she’s never seen us this
peaceful, so every time we invite her over,
she has no problem with coming through.
Unfortunately, her husband has requested
that she come back, as he misses her. Now
she is going back home.
As I take Little Star carefully, my mother
opens her eyes.
Mom: You’re disturbing my sleep!
Me: Askies!
She rubs her eyes and looks at me.
Mom: Why are you up so early?
Me: I couldn’t sleep.
Mom: Eish, don’t tell me you two are
fighting.
Me: No, not at all.
Mom: Then what’s wrong? Having
another episode?
I get in bed and sit close to her.
I begin telling her about this Buhle
situation from the beginning.
Once I’m done, she sighs.
Mom: Derek will handle her.
Me: I will also handle her.
Mom: Haibo, Ziyanda, are you thinking of
doing something to this girl? Sisi, I’ve
been through enough trauma caused by
your old ways.
She chuckles.
Mom: At least you have a man who’s
willing to let the world know he loves
you. I know my son will do the right thing.
Just don’t make a fool of yourself.
Me: Hai mama, she can’t disrespect me
and get away with it.
Mom: I’m not going to encourage you to
fight.
Me: Just one slap will suffice.
Mom: Ziyanda.
I sighs heavily and kiss Star.
Me: Her sleeping patterns are improving.
Mom: She sleeps better when I’m around.
Me: Haike, gogo.
She laughs.
Me: I was thinking…
Mom: Yes?
Me: Now that Derek and I are in a better
space, and the wedding will be soon, I
think I’m ready for Lwazi to come live
with us.
Mom: I was actually going to discuss this
with you. She’s been nagging me about it.
Me: Really?
Mom: She wants to be with you. I also
want you to take her, because I can’t take
her drama. The moods have started, and
the complaining is too much. You have to
take her.
I laugh.
Me: Let’s find out what Derek thinks.
Mom: Great. Let me take a bath first.
Me: Okay.
I get out of bed and walk out with Little
Star.
When I get to the bedroom, I find Derek
making the bed. Little Star mumbles
excitedly and he takes her from me and
showers her with kisses. I finish up
making the bed.
Derek: I have decided that Zimkitha will
handle this project, moving forward.
I try speaking, but he looks at me sharply.
Derek: This is non-negotiable. We are
distancing ourselves from this woman.
Me: I wasn’t going to disagree.
Derek: Oh.
Me: I think that’s a good idea. I just don’t
want you to cancel the entire project,
because she’s a horny skank.
Derek: Like I said, Zimkitha will deal with
her.
Me: Good.
Derek: Are you feeling better?
Me: A little bit. I just get angry when I
think about it.
Derek: We haven’t have sex in a few
days…
Me: What does that have to do with Buhle
pissing me off?
Derek: I’m just saying… We have a lot of
pent-up frustrations.
Me: Yazi, I don’t have time for this…
Deep down, my ass knows that I’m a
horny mess. I just don’t like having sex
when my mother’s around.
Derek: We haven’t taken a shower
together in a week.
Me: Derek, you’re disgusting.
Derek: Come on, nana, you don't wanna
miss this one.
He laughs as he continues making fun of
me.
Me: My mom is leaving today. We can
have all the sex we desire once she has
left.
Derek: Alright then… I’ll take a bath with
my daughter, since you’re not interested.
He walks to the bathroom and leaves me
alone.
I sit on the bed and take his phone.
I read Buhle’s message again and all the
anger I managed to store away resurfaces.
I dial Niki’s number and she answers after
a while.
Me: Niki!
Niki: Hiii!
Before she can even tell me about her
adventures with Kwanele, I tell her about
my dilemma.
Niki: WHAT?!
Me: I’m fuming!
Niki: Cancel that shit! Cancel that stupid
project!
Me: But the projec-
Niki: Heyi! Heyi! Heyi! Cancel that
nonsense! She obviously doesn’t care
about it. Stop that shit. She must go find
someone else to sponsor her old age
home!
Me: Niki, it’s not an old age-
Niki: I don’t care if she’s catering for
hobos, prostitutes or the president! She
must be slapped, dragged and then
thrown away!
I grunt.
Niki: Futsek maan! So she was scouting
for a man, and Derek seemed like a good
one, because your dumb ass was
entertaining her! Ziyanda, when will you
learn?! These desperate-no-good-horny-
blood-sucking-heffers have no problem
with getting their hands dirty!
Me: I don’t need you to shout at me right
now!
Niki: Deal with that bitch! Make sure she
stays very far from you and Derek! Fustek
maan! Ukujwayela amasimba!
I sigh.
Niki: It’s too bad I’m not in Jo’burg right
now. We would be rearranging that
heffer’s vagina!
I knew she would react like this. Part of
me is glad she’s not in Jo’burg, because I
wouldn’t have the self-control to stop
myself from fetching Buhle if Niki was
physically here. This one is always ready
for war.
***
Mom: So, you’re okay with Lwazi moving
this side?
Derek: Of course.
Mom: Thank God! My husband and I have
missed our personal space.
Me: Manje when should she come this
side?
Derek: I think we should wait till the third
term ends.
Mom: Perfect. She’ll be very excited.
Me: Are you sure you’re okay with this?
Derek nods.
Derek: Lwazi is ours, afterall. The only
reason we let her live with your parents
was because we were still finding our
feet. We’ve settled down now, and I know
she’ll be happier because she’ll be with
you more.
Mom: And she’ll help with little Nkanyezi.
She’s obsessed with her.
Me: Everyone is obsessed with this one.
I look at my very happy and cute baby,
and can’t help but think back to my
struggles before she came along. Yhu, I’ve
been through the most with Derek yazi.
You’d swear we’ve been together for 20
years…
And then some random person thinks she
can come here and take my Star?
Anganya.
Derek: Besides, there’s plenty of space in
this house, and we prepared her room a
long time ago, because we knew this day
would come.
Mom: What’s the plan with Lelo?
He sighs.
The situation with Busi is also another
problem. Busi is using this child to control
Derek. He’s even thinking of taking her to
court, so he can have sole guardianship,
but knowing the type of person Busi is,
he’s afraid she might end up becoming a
threat and pulling Ntsiki’s stunts. For
now, he gets to spend time with Lelo
whenever he wants to. He just hates not
being in control of the situation.
Derek: I’m thinking of taking her to court.
I’ll be happier with a more structured
schedule…
Mom: I’m sure an agreement can be
reached without involving the court
though. Phela courts are unpredictable.
Derek: We’ll see…
We continue chatting for a while.
Mom: Alright then, now that we have a
way forward with Lwazi, and I’ve spent
some quality time with you two, I think I
can leave.
Derek: It’s always good having you here.
Thank you for always coming.
Just then, we hear footsteps and Dean
walks in.
Ever since he was given the keys, he
thinks he can just barge in anytime. I
haven’t seen him since the Fun Day at
school.
He walks to my mom and gives her a
warm hug.
My mom is in heaven. Dean’s hugs always
leave her blushing.
Dean: When are you coming to my house?
Mom: You always invite my husband,
manje what am I supposed to do?
Dean: I don’t appreciate how you’re
always spending time with these two, and
you leave me in the dark.
My mom laughs.
Mom: All you have to do is ask.
Dean: Good.
He looks at me.
Dean: How are you?
Me: Okay and you?
Dean: I’m good.
He looks at Derek.
Dean: Wena?
Derek: I’m good.
Dean: Hmkay.
He looks at my mother.
Dean: Ready to go?
Mom: Yes, baby. We can leave now.
Dean takes my mother’s bag. He offered
to take her to Soweto.
Dean: I’ll see you two when I come back
later. I have a date with Bab’Dlamz.
My mom says goodbye and we walk them
out. They drive out and we walk back
inside…
Derek: I love your mother, but
something’s got to give.
We get to the lounge.
Derek: I can’t not have sex, because she’s
around. We’re too old for this. We even
have a baby for crying out loud.
With that said, he takes off his t-shirt and
grins.
Me: I’m not even going to argue with
you…
I pounce on him and hope that Little Star
will stay put for just a little while…
INSERT 264 (Unedited)
Okay…
My wedding is officially in three months.
Eish, time is really not on my side mos.
I think I’ll leave work early today just to
go home, take a long bath, lock myself in
the house and start putting everything on
paper.
Also, I have no choice but to go home
early, because I don’t know what I was
thinking bringing Little Star with me to
work. Seeing as Nomvuyo is a
professional housewife, she has been
taking care of her. There’s no way I’m
hiring a random person to take care of my
child. Nowadays, you can’t trust anyone
with children. Vuvu came through for us…
Derek was supposed to stop working at
the school a week ago, but he has been
coming anyway. The man is obsessed
with me, if we’re just keeping it real.
As for Buhle, Derek accepted her lunch
invitation. When he came back from her
place, he was grumpy as hell. All he said
to me was that Buhle is cancelled and he
wants nothing to with her. I didn’t even
have to ask him to give me the full details,
because I knew that Buhle received the
mean version of Derek, therefore, she
definitely got the message.
So, I’ve managed to let go of the situation,
because I have bigger things to worry
about, like my wedding.
As I pack my things, Andile walks in.
Andile: Ready to leave?
Me: Yep.
Andile: Asambe.
Me: Star, I’ll see you later.
Derek: Shap, baby.
I give him a kiss and I push Star’s stroller
out of the office and follow Andile.
Me: Andile, let’s grab something to eat
first.
Andile: Alright.
Andile is also leaving work early, because
he has to work on his thesis.
We get in the car and he drives off. I did
mention that I always find a way to avoid
driving myself to places, neh?
***
Me: Do you mind helping me plan my
wedding?
Andile: I don’t have time.
Me: Heyi, Mr PhD.
He chuckles.
Andile: You need to stop making me your
puppet.
Me: I like messing with you.
I actually enjoy Andile’s company. Besides
my close people, I consider him a good
friend of mine, and I love the fact that he
is clueless about the drama in my life. He’s
a breath of fresh air.
We arrive at the restaurant.
Andile: You’re still coming to the Beer
Festival with me, right?
Me: Definitely. Niki and Vuvu will join us.
Andile: Great… The more the merrier.
Me: Sarcastic much? Yini, do you want me
all to yourself? He chuckles.
Andile: Uyabheda wena.
He glances at me.
Andile: Lookie lookie…
Me: Where?
I glance around and spot Buhle.
Me: For fuck’s sake.
Andile: Should we turn around?
Me: She doesn’t scare me, Andile.
Andile: That’s exactly why we should
leave.
Me: Mxm.
We continue walking till we reach the
table.
She’s with another woman.
Lol, she’s trying to hide, but it’s
impossible with the way this place is set
up. They’re sitting opposite each other in
a booth.
Me: Buhle?
She lowers the menu and looks at me in
fake shock.
Buhle: Ziyanda! Hey!
Her voice is loud, a bit too loud.
I’m surprised Petty is still sitting down.
Buhle: Hey.
I smile.
Me: What a coincidence. Liwa tells me you
were with Zimkitha earlier.
Buhle: Uhm, yes… We were discussing the
property.
Me: I apologise for going MIA. Things are
a bit hectic right now. I’m planning my
wedding…
She twitches.
Buhle: No, it’s not a problem. It’s okay,
really.
I smile and look at Andile.
Me: You two still remember each other,
right?
This bitch doesn’t deserve Andile.
Buhle: Yes.
The woman sitting opposite her clears her
throat and we all look at her.
Woman: I mean, I may as well leave you
guys.
Buhle: My apologies. Phumi, this is
Ziyanda.
Phumi: Hi, Ziyanda. I’m Phumi, Buhle’s
friend.
Something about her instantly reminds
me of Niki, whom I miss like crazy.
Me: Nice to meet you.
Phumi: How do you know each other?
Buhle must explain how she knows us.
Buhle: We, uhm, work together. The
project.
Phumi: Ahh, I see.
Andile: She’s Derek’s fiance as well.
Lol, okay, Andile.
Phumi: I see.
Phumi: And you are?
Phumi looks at Andile.
Andile: Andile.
Phumi: Are you also part of the project?
Andile: In a way…
Phumi: That’s nice.
Hmm… My brains starts getting to work.
Phumi looks at the stroller.
Phumi: Is that your baby?
Right on cue, Liya starts whimpering. She
can hear voices and she wants to be part
of the conversation.
As soon as I take her out of the stroller,
Phumi exclaims.
Phumi: She is so cute!
Me: Don’t compliment her too much.
Phumi laughs and stands.
Star stares at Phumi in amazement. She
starts blabbing and Phumi smiles.
Phumi: I am very broody right now. I
don’t understand what’s happening.
Me: Don’t be fooled by the cuteness.
Phumi: Please sit with us for a few
minutes. I’m in love with your baby!
Before we know it, Andile and I are now
sitting with them, because Phumi
suddenly developed love for my Star, and
insisted that we join them.
Star’s cuteness is going to be a problem,
because now I’m sitting next to Buhle, and
I’m trying not to get too carried away and
punch her.
Phumi: Her cheeks are so chubby! I’m in
love!
Star looks at Phumi. She seems to like this
woman. Could it be that she’s confusing
her with me, since she’s fat like me?
Phumi: Can I hold her?
Me: Sure.
Star immediately starts exploring Phumi’s
face with her chubby hands and dances
excitedly. I hope Buhle can see what
happens when people don’t run after my
man- they get the rare opportunity to
hold my baby and bond with her. Nxa.
I stare at Buhle.
Me: How have you been, Buhle?
She takes a sip of her drink.
This is how I know that I’ve grown. How
am I this close to this bitch, and I haven’t
dragged her yet?
Buhle: Good, thanks, and you?
Me: Surviving. I’m busy planning my
wedding right now, so things are hectic.
Yes, hoe, squirm- squirm like the little
snail that you are.
Andile: Phumi, are you pregnant or do
you have a baby? This child is never this
happy to see strangers.
I move my attention from this thirsty one
to Phumi, who’s sitting next to Andile.
Star slaps her lightly and Phumi laughs.
Andile is right, this child never likes
people, and for her to be this excited
around Phumi is a good thing, I guess.
Me: Just don’t kiss her.
Phumi: Of course not. I can’t be spreading
my STDs.
Phumi looks at Andile.
Phumi: As far as I’m concerned, I’m not
pregnant, and no, I don’t have a child.
Andile nods lightly and I stare at him.
My brain is telling me, “Nooo,” but my
heart is saying, “Yaaas!”
Phumi: Can’t the baby just love me
because I’m an amazing person?
I hear Buhle grunting.
My presence is obviously making her
uncomfortable, and I’m loving it. If I can’t
start a fight, then I may as well make her
fidget.
Me: Do you want kids?
Phumi: Me? Fuck no.
Ziyanda: Watch your language!
She definitely reminds me of Niki.
Phumi looks at Star and smiles.
Phumi: Do you know what fuck means?
Star stares at her with big fascinated eyes.
Phumi: What’s her name?
Me: Nkanyezi. We call her Star.
Phumi: Aww!
My phone vibrates, and I check it.
It’s a series of messages from Nomvuyo.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda! Ye wena, Ziyanda!
How could you not tell me that that
woman called Derek at 3am?! Ziyanda!
Oh Lord…
How in the world did she find out??
Zimkitha is the only one who knows.
And Niki.
Gosh, Niki probably called her.
I sigh as I text her back.
Me: Vuvu, I’ll call you later.
My phone vibrates.
Nomvuyo: 3am? 3am, Ziyanda?!
Lord.
My phone vibrates again.
Nomvuyo: I told you to deal with this
person, Ziyanda.
As I’m responding, the waiter emerges
and asks for our orders. I look up from my
phone.
I snap out of it.
Me: We won’t be staying.
I stand and take Star from Phumi.
Me: We have to go. I have a family
emergency.
I place Star in the stroller and she sulks.
She likes attention lo.
Me: Andile.
He looks at me as if I’m disturbing him.
Me: We’ll get something to eat along the
way. We have to go.
He nods and stands.
Phumi: I’ll see you at the Beer Festival.
Oh?
Andile: Sure.
Could this be it?
Could this be the moment?
I look at the twitching hoe.
Me: I’ll send you Melinda’s contact details,
so you can discuss how she can assist you.
Buhle: Thank you.
She clearly needs Melinda more than the
people she’s helping.
Me: Bye, enjoy your lunch.
Phumi: Shap. Bye, Star.
Lol, Star is grumpy.
Andile pushes the stroller and I follow
him out of the restaurant.
Me: Andiii!
Andile: What?
He tries to keep a straight face.
Me: Is she the one?!
Andile: I don’t have time for this.
Me: Hmyghad! You like her!
Andile: Ziyanda.
Me: Is that your type?? You like feisty
BBWs?
He ignores me.
Me: Wow, I’m actually so shook! You like
her!
We get to the car and he continues to
ignore me.
Andile: Am I dropping you off at home or
are we getting something to eat first?
Me: I’m hungry.
Andile: Hmkay.
He starts the car and shuts me out as I
make fun of him. He was so talkative
around Phumi, and I have never seen him
like that with other women. We finally
have a breakthrough!
Me: So… You said you’ll see her at the
Beer Festival…
Andile: She said she’s planning it.
Me: Really? Is she an event planner?
He nods.
Me: Hmm, maybe she can help me plan
my wedding?
Andile: Leave me alone.
I continue making fun of him…
So I guess I have to find a way to make
Phumi more visible in our lives…

INSERT 265 (Unedited)

Okay.
My wedding.
What do I want to do?
Blank.
Argh, my brain is not willing to work with
me.
I’m so uninspired.
Should I hire a planner?
Phumi comes to mind and I chuckle.
Lol, as if I’d hire a Beer Festival planner to
plan my wedding… But then again, I’m
sure the bitch has the range, considering
how big this festival is…
Anyway, I don’t know her that well, and
Andile mentioned that this is her first
planning job.
When Derek gets home, he finds me in his
office, trying to concentrate.
Derek: Hey, baby.
Me: Starrr!
He looks at me weirdly.
I’m tipsy.
I’ve been drinking wine since I got back
from my lunch with Andile.
Derek: How’s the planning going?
Me: It’s not going.
He raises an eyebrow.
Me: I don’t think I can do this in three
months.
Derek: What do you mean?
Me: I didn’t really realise how much time
I’d need.
He keeps quiet.
Me: Can we push it to December?
I keep quiet.
Derek: If that’s what you want.
Me: Derek, things have been hectic.
Derek: I said you can postpone if that’s
what you want.
Me: So why are you suddenly cold?
Derek: I’m not cold.
Me: I’m asking for two extra months, and
you’re acting like I’ve secretly cancelled
your gym membership.
Derek: Excuse me?
I stand.
Me: You’re being grumpy for no reason.
Two months won’t kill any of us, instead it
will give me more time to think and plan.
How was I supposed to plan a wedding
when the family drama was and still is
occupying most of our time?
Derek: Don’t talk to me like that.
Me: Hai suka, nawe you must take control
of your moods and stop switching up on
me when things don’t go your way.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: What? The wine in my system is
making it very difficult to stop talking.
Derek: Are you not the one who said
September is fine?
Me: And now I’m telling you that it’s not
fine, so what?
Derek: Mxm.
He walks off.
Me: Futsek.
Heyi, when he turns around, my stomach
churns.
I genuinely have no idea where that
futsek came from, and I regret it the
second it’s out… The wine is making it
difficult for me to stay kind in this
moment!
Derek: Ziyanda.
He stares at me seriously.
Derek: This is turning ugly. I’m walking
away.
I bite my lower lip.
It’s not easy getting rid of old habits. I’m
not used to “fighting” in a healthy way. I’m
used to going crazy, throwing things,
shouting, and then storming off.
I continue biting my lower lip, because I
know that my mouth wants to go off on a
tangent.
I take a few deep breaths.
Derek: I’m not about to have a back and
forth with you. We’ll talk about this when
we’re ready… I’m going out for fresh air…
With that said, he walks out and leaves
me there.
Mature motherfucker.
I finish up my wine and go upstairs to get
my noise-cancelling headphones. Melinda
and I reached an agreement: if I start
feeling like I’m really angry for whatever
reason, I should listen to music until I’m
calm. I’ve been establishing this habit, and
it has been working…
I listen to my specific “Angry” playlist and
sit there…
After a while, I’m back to normal. I
immediately feel horrible for how things
turned out.
I have no idea when I dozed off, but when
I wake up, I can smell Derek’s food.
Obviously his safe space is the kitchen.
My stomach growls as I walk there.
Tjo, he’s dishing up for himself only.
Me: Star…
He turns and looks at me.
Me: Can we talk?
Derek: No.
Yoh.
Me: Oh okay.
If there is one time I wish I was skinny, it
is now. I want to hide behind a cupboard
and not be seen.
I walk away with my tail between my legs.
I go upstairs and find Little Star up. I play
with her and I think she senses my mood
because she rubs her face on mine and I
shower her with kisses.
Me: Your dad is pissed.
She just smiles.
Me: You think sex will help?
She continues smiling.
Me: Manje ngizom’ngena kanjani because
he’s angry angry.
She giggles.
Me: I should use you?
She giggles away.
Me: I don’t even think your cuteness will
work.
She stares at me and widens her eyes.
Me: Wait, do you actually understand me?
She opens her mouth.
Me: Oh my God, you do.
She giggles.
Me: So, let’s talk ke...
Am I really doing this with a baby right
now?
I guess I’m trying to buy time.
It’s nice to be the one barking and saying
you need people to leave you alone and
give you space, but when that shit
happens to you and you’re put on
timeout, it stings a bit.
I have to suck it up.
***
I’m awakened by Derek taking Star from
my arms…
Clearly my baby and I ended up passing
out.
I want to wake up and talk, but my head is
heavy.
When I feel him holding my feet, putting
on my socks and tucking me in, I know
that there’s hope for tomorrow.
I pass out once again.
***
I wake up very early the next morning.
I think I’ll work from home.
I go to Star’s nursery, and find her still
sleeping.
I go back to the bedroom and find Derek
getting up. He’s obviously getting ready
for work.
Me: Morning.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Can we talk before you shower?
Derek: Sure.
He sits on the bed and I sit on my side.
Me: So, I want to apologise for how I
behaved yesterday… The alcohol
contributed to the mess.
I sigh.
Me: I’m sorry for switching up like that,
and most importantly, I’m sorry for
swearing at you. I should have
communicated my wedding planning
frustrations in a more respectful manner,
instead of snapping as if you knew about
those frustrations. I apologise for my
conduct, and hurting your feelings.
He nods lightly and processes what I’ve
said.
Derek: I’m glad you’re acknowledging
that you have never communicated your
frustrations with me. Had I known that
you were having a hard time planning,
then I would have been more
understanding.
I nod.
Derek: You don’t think you’ll be able to
plan everything by September?
I shrug.
Me: I think I was just feeling uninspired
yesterday, and it frustrated me.
Derek: You didn’t answer my question.
Me: I don’t know.
Derek: Okay. Will you let me know once
you know?
Had this been months ago, I’d think
Derek’s statement is mean, but after our
sessions with Melinda, I’ve come to
understand the importance of
clarification.
We vowed to never make assumptions.
Derek: Will you let me know once you
know?
Me: Yes, I will.
Derek: In the meantime, what can I do to
inspire your planning process?
Argh, and just like that I’m on him till he
lies down.
Me: I’m sorry!
I hide my face on his neck and inhale his
scent.
Derek: Zi, we’re sti-
Me: You’re the best thing that’s ever
happened to me. I know I don’t tell you
this enough.
I lift my head and find him smiling.
Me: I’m sorry.
Derek: I forgive you, baby.
Me: Really?
He nods.
Me: Yaay!
His chuckle sends shivers all over my
body, especially my vagina.
Derek: You still haven’t answered my
question.
Me: Which one?
Derek: What can I do to help inspire your
planning process?
Me: I have a few ideas…
Derek: Is it?
I grin.
Derek: I’m listening.
Me: The first idea requires you to be on
top of me first, and ends with me
splashing these sheets with my yummy
juices…
Derek: In this idea of yours, you’re not on
top?
Me: Hai, Derek, I have a hangover, and
you want me to work hard?
He chuckles and repositions.
Derek: You need to guide me then.
Me: Gladly…
By the time I’m trembling and squealing,
the word “museum” is ringing in my
head…
I think Derek is on the right track…
I need more inspiration!
***
I managed to convince Star not to go to
work.
We’ll work from home, man… while
having lots of sex…
Me: I didn’t even get to tell you about my
lunch with Andile.
Derek: What happened?
I tell him everything.
When he hears Buhle’s name, he rolls his
eyes.
Me: Bottom line is, we finally found a
perfect match for Andile!
Derek: Don’t you think this situation is
strange?
Me: My whole life is strange.
Derek: She’s Buhle’s friend.
I keep quiet.
Derek: And I made an executive decision
that we both stay away from that woman.
Me: But Phumi is-
Derek: No, they are friends. What makes
you think she likes you? What makes you
think she will leave her friend to hang out
with you?
Yoh ngavele ngaswaba.
Derek: I don’t want you to associate
yourself with that woman or any of her
people.
I sigh.
Derek: If Andile made a connection with
this Mpumi person, then he’ll pursue her.
He’s a grown man, and I think you’ve
guided him enough.
I keep quiet.
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Remember what Monique said in
that episode of Charmed School?
Me: Argh.
I hate when he starts using lines from
reality shows to check me.
Derek: When you do the clownery, the
clown comes back to bite.
I grunt in defeat.
He got me on this on.
Me: Okay, I’ll back off.
Derek: Good.
I sigh.
Derek: Now, give me a kiss.
He pulls me and I kiss him begrudgingly.
Just then, I get a call from Niki.
Me: Yini?
Niki: Girl, check Twitter. Another one
bites the dust.
Me: Shap. I’ll call you once I’ve caught up.
I end the call. Lol, whenever there’s
drama trending on Twitter, Niki and I are
on it. We love reading people’s drama,
especially if it involves a man and his side
chick being exposed…
I go to WhatsApp and follow the link Niki
sent to me.
Heyiii, a wife is blasting a woman for
inserting herself in her marriage.
I read the tweets aloud for Derek.
Kunzima. Apparently, the affair has been
taking place for a few weeks now. The
husband has been frequenting Jwansbag
lately, and comes back to Swaziland ,
where he’s wife is, feeling fresh from the
“cheap pussy” he’s getting eGoli.
Heyiii this wife is going in!
She’s even attaching snapshots of the
messages between her hubby and the
woman.
Chiiile, them texts be steamy!
Derek shakes his head lightly.
Derek: Social media has ruined people’s
way of thinking. How does posting such
help in any w-
Me: Whooaa!
Derek: What?
Me: I know this person.
Derek: The wife?
Me: No, the side chick!
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: This is Phumi!
Derek: Who’s that?
Me: Derek!
Yhu, this wife even went as far as posting
pictures of Phumi and the husband…
Me: This is Phumi, the one I was telling
you about just now!
Derek: Buhle’s friend?
Me: Yes!
He chuckles as he stands and takes Little
Star from the other couch.
Me: Yoh, it’s really her!
Derek: What’s that saying? Birds of a
feather…
Yoh, I'm so shook by all of this!
Phumi’s face is all over Twitter.
Yhu, andizi…

INSERT 266
It’s Friday, the day before the Beer
Festival.
Me: Star, so you’re really not joining me?
Derek: Definitely not. Do I look like I
attend backdoor events?
My jaw drops and he chuckles.
Me: Rude much?
He shrugs.
Me: It’s not even a backdoor event. It’s at
a proper venue, so I don’t know what
you’re talking about.
I decide not to tell him that Phumi is the
planner, because I know he will check me
immediately.
Me: Argh, I’m going to see Vuvu. I don’t
need this negativity in my life.
Derek: Do you feel insulted?
Me: Yes! That was rude!
Derek: Cc me in a complaint email.
Me: Very funny. And then he cries when I
give him that futsek that comes straight
from my vagina…
I get my bag.
Me: Bye.
Derek: Are you driving?
Me: No, Zimkitha sent her driver.
Derek: Wena na.
He still refuses to speak about Zimkitha
and her man. Angazi ke because it’s clear
that she will bring him to the wedding. I
have accepted him as her man, and she
has every right to bring him as her plus 1.
Derek: Aren’t you going to give me a kiss?
Me: I don’t like you right now.
Derek: Udlaliswa ngemali?
I swear I interact with 100 versions of
this man on a daily basis.
Me: Yes, actually, ngidlaliswa ngemali.
Derek: Hmkay.
He continues focusing on his phone and I
walk out and make my way to the car
that’s waiting for me.
Zimkitha is disgustingly rich.
That woman’s grandparents and parents
made sure they set her up for success,
despite how fucked up they were, and
now she has also ensured that her
children are set for life. She always says
that should her children and
grandchildren never want to work, they
can easily quit their jobs, and their
standard of living will never drop,
because money will never be an issue.
Anyway, I get in the car and greet the
driver. He has been Zimi’s driver for many
years now.
As we’re about to get to the mansion, my
phone vibrates.
I lose track of my surroundings for a few
seconds as I read the text.
It’s a bank notification.
I dial Derek’s number and he answers
after a while.
Me: R10 000, Derek??
Nang’omunye.
Derek: You said that udlaliswa ngemali.
Me: And you decided to take my
statement literally?
He chuckles.
Derek: You can always transfer it back.
Me: I can’t hear you. You’re breaking.
He laughs lightly.
Derek: I love you. Don’t take my banter
seriously.
Me: But you always take mine seriously.
Derek: Yours is a little extreme.
Me: Hai, let’s not have double standards.
Derek: Okay. I’ll ask for proper
forgiveness when you come back.
Me: Okay.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you too. Bye.
Derek: Shap.
I end the call and we finally get to the Mzi
castle.
I thank the driver and make my way
inside the house.
Nyami is the first to run to me and give
me a hug.
She has gotten so tall. She’s starting to
look exactly like her mother, while she
has her father’s lovely personality.
Nyami: Aunty Zi, Nkosi just took his first
steps!
Me: Aww, really??
She nods excitedly as we walk to the
family room, where we find Nomvuyo,
Liwa, Zimkitha, Bheki.
Little Nkosinhle is busy walking and
falling while everyone cheers for him.
Me: Sanibonani.
Zimkitha: Hey, baby!
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Hiii!
I give Liwa and Zimkitha a hug, but when
I get to Nomvuyo, I get a very cold
shoulder.
Lord.
Me: Bestie boo, come on.
Nomvuyo: I don’t have time for you. Who
even invited you here?
Liwa: I did.
Nomvuyo: Mxm.
She continues focusing on Nkosi.
Eish, I have a lot of ass kissing to do for
not being in contact with her for a few
weeks.
I go to Bab’Bae, looking like an evolved
snack.
Me: Hi, Bheki.
He smiles and opens up his arms and we
share a hug.
Bheki: Hi, Ziyanda, how are you?
Me: I mean, I’m not okay. My best friend
refuses to even acknowledge my
presence.
Nomvuyo: Don’t you dare involve Bheki in
your nonsense.
I sigh in defeat.
Me: I’m too tired for this. Can we talk?
She leaves Nkosi and I follow her to the
dining room. We sit down opposite each
other.
Me: Things have been a bit hectic.
Nomvuyo: Why didn’t you tell me that
there’s a woman threatening your
relationship?
Me: Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
She’s not a threat. She’s just dizzy.
Nomvuyo: Did you tell her to back off?
Me: Derek did.
Nomvuyo: And did she back off?
Me: Yep.
She grunts.
Nomvuyo: Hmkay.
Me: You love me?
Nomvuyo: Hai.
Me: We’re still going to the festival ksasa
angithi?
Nomvuyo: No.
Me: Vuvu, really?!
Nomvuyo: No. I don’t attend such things. I
don’t even drink beer.
Me: Wow!
Nomvuyo: Just call me when you’re ready
to really deal with that girl… the proper
way…
With that said, she stands and walks
away.
Gosh, Nomvuyo has taken her drama to
another level, ngathi ngijola naye.
I walk back to the lounge and we all chill
for the rest of the day…
***
Niki: I knew your ass would be late!
Me: My child is acting up!
Niki: Hai suka, just get here, because the
queue is getting long.
Me: Shap.
I end the call and finish getting dressed. I
always use Little Star as an excuse if I’m
tardy.
Me: See you later.
Derek: Are you coming back?
Me: Where else would I go?
Derek: Angazi, I’m just asking.
Me: Uyayibuza i-nonsense sometimes.
He chuckles.
Derek: Spicy much?
He pulls me and wraps his arms around
me.
Derek: You’ve been cranky all morning.
Me: Is it?
He plants a kiss on my lips.
Derek: Enjoy yourself.
Me: Hmkay.
Derek: Why are you grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
Derek: When are you supposed to get to
the venue?
Me: I should have been there by now.
Derek: Surely Niki won’t mind waiting a
bit longer?
I don’t say anything as takes my bag and
puts it aside.
Sometimes, I shouldn’t have to ask for sex,
he must just realise that my crankiness
can only be cured by his dick.
***
He drives me to the venue.
Derek: Are you sure you’ll be okay here?
Me: I’m sure once I’ve consumed alcohol
the crowd won’t bother me.
He looks at me seriously.
Derek: Don’t get carried away.
Me: I’ll be fine.
Derek: Okay.
I give him a kiss and get out of car. I make
my way to the queue and he drives off. At
least the line is not that long. I think Niki
was just exaggerating so I can get here
quickly.
As I’m about to walk in, after a security
guard confrims that my ticket is good,
another security guard pulls me roughly.
Me: Who are you pulling like that?
Security: I nee-
Me: Don’t you ever put your hands on me!
What the heck is wrong with him??
He starts telling me that there might be
something wrong with my ticket.
Me: Ungazongibhedela wena. My ticket
has been scanned and approved!
We start having a back and forth.
This man is beyond disrespectful and I
feel like shouting at him is not even
enough. How is a grown ass man fighting
me over something that makes no sense?
I genuinely feel like he’s singling me out
for some reason, and I’m not having it.
Now, other people are involved and three
women are defending me.
Out of nowhere, I see Andile. He walks
towards me smiling.
Andile: You actually came?
He’s with Phumi.
Phumi: Hey, Ziyanda.
Me: I'm going to need you to tell this
bouncer to reevaluate how he is
addressing me. Do I look like a dog?
The bouncer looks at me angrily.
Me: Futsek wena. See, now I’m goi-
Andile pulls me and makes me stand next
to Phumi while he talks to the bouncer.
We’ve done enough talking! Clearly he
wants to fight me!
Phumi: What's happening?
Me: He says there's something wrong
with my ticket. My friend is already in and
she has the same ticket as mine, so what
the hell is he talking about?
Phumi goes to the bouncer, and talks to
him.
She comes to me and explains that he
thought my ticket was fake. Before I can
even address him for disrespecting me,
Andile wraps his arm around my
shoulders and forces me to walk away.
Imagine! Me? An entire fake ticket? Sies!
Me: Fokken hond!
Phumi: These bouncers can be
unnecessary. I’m sorry, Ziyanda.
Me: Mxm.
We eventually get in.
I am calmer now.
Me: Thanks for sorting it out. I was
genuinely starting to feel like the nerd
that always gets left out in high school
parties. So embarrassing.
Andile: He was being unnecessary.
Phumi: You looked like you were about to
hit him.
Me: Oh no. Ever since I started living with
caucasians, I fight different. Now all I do is
pull out my taser. I'm not ratch anymore.
Phumi laughs.
Phumi: So, moving to the burbs changed
you?
Me: Too much. I'm no longer an
uncultured swine. I'm very classy.
Phumi continues laughing.
A girl can only dream.
Me: On a serious note, thank you for
helping me out, guys.
I look at Andile and he smiles. I then looks
at Phumi.
Hmm, they actually look good next to
each other. Andile with his tall macho self,
and Phumi with her voluptuous and
confident self.
Me: I know this is a beer festival, but do
they only serve beers? I don't drink beer.
Phumi: The VIP section has everything.
Me: Oh okay. Let me find out where this
one is.
Phumi: Your friend?
Me: Yep.
I take out my phone and call Niki.
Me: You actually left me, and I almost got
into a fight with the bouncer. Kanti unjani,
Nikiwe?
Niki: Hai sisi, didn’t I tell you to come
earlier?
Me: I’m the by wors stall, woza.
I end the call and she arrives in a few
minutes. Wow, my friend is really
glowling yazi. Kwanele is clearly doing a
great job here! I know for a fact that I look
like my fiance’s family’s problems. My
glowing days are long gone.
Before Niki and I even greet each other,
we have a back and forth about me
arriving late. Eventually, we stop.
Me: Anyway, Niki, this is Phumi, whom I
recently met. You know Andile…
Niki: I sure do.
Niki looks at Phumi and smiles.
Niki: Hey, Phumi… Nice to meet you.
Phumi: Likewise.
Me: She organised this whole event. How
amazing?
Niki: Yaas! We stan a boss bitch!
Phumi smiles.
Niki then looks at Andile.
Niki: Hello, bhuti wePhD.
Andile chuckles and they share a hug.
Niki: Okay, can we drink now? A bitch is
thirsty.
Phumi: Sure… I'll show you guys where
the VIP section is…
Phumi takes us to a segregated section
that has a bar.
Me: Thanks for doing the things.
Phumi: You're welcome.
Me: Congratulations on your event. I'm
sure you're shitting your pants though.
I know how it feels to plan something and
not be able to enjoy it because you’re
hoping it goes well.
Phumi: You have no idea.
Niki: And I'm sure you're also dealing
with people's stares and whispers from
the Twitter drama.
Ziyanda: Niki!
Jesu, why do I have such a forward friend?
Is it too late to cancel her subscription in
my life?
Niki shrugs and looks at Phumi coolly.
Niki: I'm not judging you.
Phumi sighs.
Niki: I'm really not judging you, hey. I'm
actually shocked, in a good way, that
you're here, and you don't seem to give a
shit.
Phumi: Can't hide forever.
Niki: That stupid wife must deal with her
cheating husband and leave you alone. I
don't understand why we like giving
these men power over us. Now, we’re out
here fighting each other while the men
walk around with their sweaty balls.
Phumi: Mxm. He's walking around freely
while I'm being shamed.
Niki: He’s here? The nerve!
See, I’m nosy. I want to ask Phumi what
really happened, but I keep hearing
Derek’s voice in my head telling me
ukuthi ngingaphaphi kakhulu.
Andile: Uhm, okay… Let's not make this a
bashing men session. Phumi, your friends
are probably worried. Zi and Niki, I'll get
you guys drinks and then go look for my
friend…
Friend? What friend?
Me: Shap.
Phumi: See you around.
Niki: Stay strong!
Me: Shut up and sit down.
Phumi chuckles as she walks away…
Niki: That poor girl is clearly 5 to
breaking down! You can see it in her eyes!
Me: Andile will comfort her.
She laughs.
Niki: You tryna hook them up?
Me: There’s already a connection nyana. It
just needs to develop more.
Niki: Hmm, I mean, it’s a little ironic
ukuthi Andile has rejected two women
you’ve tried hooking him up with before,
but he is attracted to this specific one.
Me: What’s ironic about that?
Niki: Nothing, friend.
Me: Argh, I don’t need your negativity.
Derek is already on my neck.
Niki: You and Star just need some alone
time. You’re losing weight, and you don’t
look your best.
I look at her in shock.
Niki: I mean, the makeup is helping you
out, but you’re not the gorgeous Zi I
know. You look exhausted. You’ve never
been one to have bags under your eyes,
but look at you now.
Me: That’s not a nice thing to say.
Niki: If I don’t tell you then who will? You
don’t look like yourself. You look tired.
Me: I am tired.
Niki: Then take a break from everything.
Me: I just got back to work. I hadn’t been
to work in months.
Niki: Derek’s issues have definitely put
your ass to work.
I sigh heavily.
I mean, I know I’m not looking my best at
the moment, but to actually hear someone
else say it is a bit different. It just
confirms my current state of ugliness.
Niki: You just need a breather. Take a
break from everything this side. Go to a
secluded place where you’ll fuck your
man, sleep, eat, drink, fuck him again, get
drunk, and sleep again.
Me: I need a drink.
Niki: Love you, kiddo.
I groan as I walk to the bar to get myself a
drink.
***
In two hours, I’m already tipsy. I have
been told that I’m ugly, so I’m currently
drowning my sorrows in alcohol.
Part of me is crushed a bit.
By being selfless, I’ve let go of myself. Niki
is absolutely right. I look a hot mess. How
am I going to have a wedding looking like
this? I’m not even losing weight in a cute
way.
I go to Andile, who’s sitting next to his
friend.
Me: Can I talk to you?
He stands.
Me: Why haven’t you told me that I look a
mess?
Andile: Sorry?
I groan.
Me: I’ve let go of myself.
He looks at me strangely.
Me: I’ve become gross and ugly!
Andile: Uhm, what’s happening?
Me: Mxm.
Andile: You’re not ugly, Zi. I don’t know
what’s happening right now.
Me: Argh, never mind.
I drink some more.
I loosen up and forget about my
problems.
Niki and I are now dancing happily.
Phumi emerges out of nowhere.
I’m having a good time at the moment.
Niki and I always manage to make the
most of our time together. As long as
we’re together, we’re bound to have fun.
Phumi tries speaking, but Niki pulls her
and dances for her. Phumi has no choice
but to join us. She mustn’t stand there like
a lost puppy. She laughs and ends up
joining us. We dance for a solid 20
minutes. I mean, how do you not dance
when you hear Gqom and Amapiano?
After the Gqom set, we sit and continue
drinking..
Niki’s favourite song comes on and she
stands and dances while Phumi and I
hype her up. Lol, heyi, do you know how
possessed you get when you hear people
whistling and shouting, “Yebo!” and “Jaiva
wena jou shit!” Rha, you go crazy. Futhi
there’s this specific whistle tune that is
famous in Soweto. Haibo, when these big-
stomach, or very skinny, thirsty men start
hyping you up with their whistles, you
feel like a lunatic getting ready to go to
ghetto heaven.
Soon, a group of women have joined us
and they’re opening a circle.
Okay, I appreciate my fellow ratchet
sisters, but I need some space right now.
I’m suddenly over everything.
That’s only disadvantage about going out
with me. I can switch up in a second and
want to go home- like now.
I stand and walk away from the scene. I
just need a few minutes to gather myself.
Also, I’m glad that Andile and Phumi are
sitting next to each other, chatting away!
I text Derek, letting him know that I’m
ready to come home. He tells me he was
already on his way to fetch me. He knows
me too well.
Phumi says my name. She gets to me and
smiles.
Phumi: Everything okay?
Me: Have those girls left our area?
She laughs.
Me: Talk about invasion of space.
Phumi: Niki chased them away. Ngathi
they wanted the alcohol.
Me: These undercover hobos from Jo’burg
will be the death of us.
We laugh.
That’s why I’ve stopped going out. I’m
tired of dealing with my backward ghetto
sisters.
Me: How are you? I’m sorry about Niki’s
big mouth.
Phumi: I’m good… I’m not one to feel
sorry for myself for too long. At some
point, I have to move on. I’m not going to
ask her for the full story. From my
deducting reasoning, I’ve gauged that she
is the innocent one in this mess. The guy
basically lied to her…
Me: Good. These men will make you a
clown if you’re not woke.
Phumi: Hai, they can do that elsewhere.
I clear my throat and smile.
Me: Andile, on the other hand…
It’s time.
Phumi: What about him?
Me: He’s a great guy, neh?
She chuckles.
Phumi: He’s okay.
Me: I’m an English teacher. Please don’t
insult me by using tired adjectives.
She laughs.
Phumi: From what I’ve seen, he’s cool.
Akaphaphi. I don’t like men that are too
forward.
Me: He’s very down to earth.
Phumi: He tells me you wanted to set him
up with Buhle.
Me: It was quite evident that your friend
was thirsty. I wanted to help quench her
thirst.
Phumi: Hey, don’t come for my friend.
Me: Thirsty… very thirsty.
Phumi: She didn’t know you guys were
married.
Me: Well, she needs to work on her
inference skills… Maybe I should have
went to Twitter as well, because it seems
like it’s the quickest way to check people.
Phumi: Futsek, Ziyanda!
I laugh.
Me: Too soon?
She also laughs.
Phumi: Ngiyashayana yazi.
Me: My taser is ready, boo. Remember, I
fight different.
We continue making fun of each other.
I like Phumi. I know a person with a good
heart, and she definitely has one.
Unfortunately, she is Buhle’s friend, so I
can’t insert myself further.
Me: Anyway, yes, Andile is an amazing
man.
Phumi: Aren’t they all.
Me: You’ll see for yourself.
Phumi: Hai hai, I don’t want him or any
other man.
Me: Hmkay. I’ll check in after five years
when you’re life partners.
She laughs.
Phumi: You’re ridiculous.
Me: Anyway, I’m leaving now… Star is
waiting for me outside.
Phumi: You’re leaving already?
Ziyanda: Yep. I’m over the crowd.
Phumi: Party pooper!
I chuckle as we share a hug.
Me: I feel like I shouldn’t like you.
Phumi: I don’t blame you. I legit have that
effect on people.
Me: Uyanya kanti.
Phumi: I feel like I shouldn’t like you as
well, but I do...
Me: I have a long list of people who’d say
the same thing. You’re not alone.
My phone rings. It’s Star.
Me: Let me say goodbye to Niki and Andi.
I know they won’t want to leave.
Phumi: Bye, see you around.
Me: Shap. Don’t go back to that liar. He
played you.
Phumi: Andizi!
Me: Yaas!
She goes the other way and I walk to our
section, where I find Niki, Andile and
Andile’s friend, Thando.
Me: Guys, I’m going home now.
Niki looks at Andile.
Niki: What did I say?
Me: It’s getting crowded.
Niki: I’ll stay with Andile.
Me: Shap. Just let me know when you’re
both home.
Niki: Okey dokey.
I give her a hug.
Andile: Is Derek here?
Me: Yes.
Andile: I’ll walk you out.
Me: Thanks.
I say goodbye once again and then Andile
and I start walking away.
Andile: Are you okay?
I smile.
Me: Yep.
Andile: Are you sure?
I nod.
Me: I was just in my feelings earlier. Niki
basically told me that I look a mess and
I’m not as cute as I think I am.
Andile: That’s not a nice thing to say.
I chuckle.
Me: That’s exactly what I said to her.
Andile: And it’s untrue.
Me: No need to lie. I know I look a hot
mess. It’s been a rough year.
He keeps quiet.
We finally get to the car and the window
slowly goes down, revealing Star’s face.
Derek: Lookie here.
Andile: Hey.
Derek: Are you having a good time?
Andile: It’s not too bad.
Derek nods.
I look at Andile.
Me: Thank you. I had a great time.
Andile: Sure. See you on Monday.
Me: Hmkay.
We share a hug and I walk to the other
side and get in the car.
Derek: Shap.
Andile: Bye. He walks back in.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: Hello there.
Me: Hey.
He leans closer to me and gives me a kiss.
Derek: Ready to go?
Me: Yep.
He starts the car and drives off.
INSERT 267
I swear we haven’t even driven for two
minutes, when I get a call from Andile.
Me: Hello?
Andile: You will not believe what just
happened.
I’m hearing Niki in the background. She
doesn’t sound too happy.
Me: What’s wrong? Is Niki okay?
Andile: As soon as I came back from
walking you to the car, a fight had broken
out.
Me: What??
Andile: Niki was beating up Buhle.
Me: What?!
I look at Derek.
Andile: Next thing, there are two other
girls trying to attack Niki. They’re Buhle’s
friends.
Me: WHAT?! I look at Derek.
Me: Go back to the venue.
Derek looks at me in confusion.
Me: For once, can you not give me a hard
time!
Derek: Wow…
He does as I tell him.
Me: They jumped Niki?!
Andile: They tried to.
Me: Is she hurt?
Andile: Not at all. We stopped them
before they could do any damage.
Yoh, my head is spinning!
How did things even escalate to that
point?
Within a few minutes, we’re back at the
venue.
I end the call with Andile, and as I’m
about to get out of the car, Derek locks it.
I look at him sharply.
Derek: What’s happening?
Me: Buhle’s friends tried jumping Niki.
He sighs heavily.
Derek: So you want to fight them as well?
I take a deep breath. A very very deep
breath.
Me: Derek, had it been Dean who got into
a fight or got jumped, you wouldn’t be
sitting here behaving like you’re better. I
really don’t need your righteous attitude
right now.
He nods lightly.
Me: Please unlock this car and leave if
that’s what you want to do. I’d like to
check on my best friend.
He unlocks the car and I get out.
I go straight to the section we were in, but
I don’t find them there, instead I see
Phumi.
She’s sitting next to two other women.
Phumi: Zi, hey…
She looks a little shaken.
Me: What’s happening?
Just then, one of the women stands and
steps closer to me.
I’m not sure, but I think she calls me a
weak bitch and then mentions that I let
my friends fight my battles.
She doesn’t seem sober.
But she wants to fight.
Phumi: Unathi, stop this!
So her name is Unathi?
Unathi steps even closer to me.
So she wants to fight fight?
I take two steps back, and before she can
even say anything to me, a very hot and
quick slap has already landed on her face.
Phumi: Ziyanda!
Unathi tries coming for me, but some guy
stops her.
She is stumbling and slurring her words.
A mess, chile.
The guy keeps saying that they should
have stayed at home and she should have
listened to him.
Mxm. Just then, I feel Derek behind me. I
feel him place his arm lightly around my
waist.
Me: Where’s Niki?
Phumi: She’s with Andile.
Me: Where?
Phumi: I’ll take you there.
Me: Are these your friends?
Phumi looks at them. The other one is
looking at me as if she also wants to fight.
I’m surprisingly calm right now, but I’m
more than open to dealing with anyone
that even sniffs my direction.
Me: Please take me to Niki.
Phumi nods and starts walking. As I turn,
someone pulls my nicely-tied bun.
The other friend is now trying to attack
me, but Derek is blocking her.
What a ghetto mess!
I keep hearing Phumi tell her friend to
stop, nami I can’t get to her, because
Derek is blocking me.
Derek takes my hand and we walk away
from the scene.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Can you imagine if I was wearing a
wig?
He looks at me in confusion.
He’s expecting me to be fuming, but like I
said, I’m surprisingly very calm. I was
expecting such to happen, especially
because alcohol is involved.
I just want Niki.
Phumi walks to us.
Me: What the fuck is going on?
Phumi: Buhle was looking for me. My
friends were all chilling in the other VIP
section. When she found me with Niki, she
started shouting at me for abandoning
them that side. She also mentions that she
spotted you. I guess Niki heard your name
and she confronted Buhle. The
confrontation turned into something
else…
Me: Where’s Niki?
She begins walking and we follow her.
We walk to another VIP section. This one
is not even packed. In fact, it looks like a
VVIP section.
Phumi: There she is.
I find Niki with Andile.
As soon as she sees me, she frowns.
Niki: I thought you left?
Me: Andile told me what happened.
Niki looks at Phumi.
Niki: Tell your friends that moving
forward, it’s on sight…
Phumi: Niki, don’t do this…
Niki: How dare they try jump me? I would
have beaten them regardless.
Phumi looks at me in defeat.
Phumi: All of this because of a crush?
See now she trying to test me.
Me: So it’s okay for your friend to call my
fiance at 3am, drunk?
Phumi: Huh?
Me: Mxm.
I look at Niki.
Me: Are you okay?
Niki: I’m fine, boo.
She takes a sip of her champagne.
Niki: It’s been a while, but I still got it.
Ngim’nyisile.
She drinks her champagne happily.
Phumi: Buhle called you at 3am?
She’s now looking at Derek in shock.
Derek: Nikiwe, we’re leaving.
Niki: Hai, I-
Derek: Nikwe.
Niki groans.
Andile: I’ll take her home.
Me: Are you driving??
Andile: No, Uber.
Derek: It’s fine, I’ll drop you off.
Me: Where’s your friend, Andile?
Andile: He left.
Me: Okay.
Derek: Let’s go.
Niki: Such party poopers!
Andile looks at Phumi and then at Derek.
Andile: If you’re taking Niki home then I’ll
stay.
Derek nods.
Me: Niki, asambe.
Niki grunts as she takes her bag.
As we’re about to leave, some guy
emerges from God knows where, and
tries speaking to Phumi.
Phumi: Leave me alone!
Derek: Mvelo?
The guy looks at Derek and smiles
sheepishly.
Derek: You’re back?
Mvelo: Not reall-
Phumi walks off and Mvelo rubs his head
in defeat.
What in the ghetto mess is happening??
Mvelo: I’ll call you… I have to go.
Derek: Sure.
Mvelo walks away.
Niki: Is that the married guy??
It looks like it.
I glance at Andile, and he looks at me
blankly.
Niki: Let’s go get drunk elsewhere, Andi.
Andile nods lightly and we all walk away.
We get in the car and Derek drives off.
My mind is all over the place, but I’m glad
Niki is in the car, because I know she will
do best.
Niki: Ngidi, you know that guy?
Derek: He was part of our company’s IT
department back when I was still an
accountant.
Niki: He’s an IT specialist?
Derek nods.
Niki: Abafebi abafebi. You’d swear they
are innocent computer geeks kanti they
love spreading their dicks like the viruses
they are hired to get rid of.
I chuckle.
She is tipsy and unbothered.
Niki: Manje when last did you speak to
him?
Derek: Few years ago.
Niki: Do you know about his drama with
Phumi?
Derek: How would I know? I haven’t
spok-
Niki: Okay, Mr Grumpy. Relaxa, yoh!
We drive in silence for a while. Niki calls
Kwanele to let him know that she’s
planning on going out.
Derek: Where am I taking you?
Niki: Andi, are we still going out?
Andile: Yes.
Niki: Where should we go?
They deliberate till they make a decision
and we drop them off.
Niki texts me a while after dropping them
off, letting me know that Kwanele will be
around, so I shouldn’t worry about her.
***
The following day, when I check Twitter, a
certain video is trending.
The video doesn’t show their faces, but I
know that’s Niki.
Lord, there’s no mistaking Niki’s ass…
All I can see is Niki throwing punches at
Buhle, who is on the floor, trying to wrap
her legs around Niki.
Out of nowhere, two women try to lunge
at Niki, but two guys prevent them. Niki
then stops beating Buhle and turns to face
the two women who tried jumping her.
Before she can throw punches, everyone
is separated.
The video ends.
I watch it again.
I call Niki and she answers sleepily.
Me: Have you checked Twitter?!
Niki: Am I trending?
Me: Your faces aren’t clear, but everyone
wants to know what caused the fight and
who is involved.
Niki: Is it a good angle?
Me: Niki!
Niki: It’s already out there. You want me
to be miserable?
I sigh heavily.
Niki: We’ll talk later, I’m still sleeping.
Me: Shap.
Niki: Shap.
I end the call and take out one Storm from
the fridge.
Derek’s people are meeting for lunch. I
declined the invitation and told Derek
that he could go without me.
I plan on sleeping for the whole day…

INSERT 268
So another month has passed. The drama
in our lives has paused, and I’m hoping it
stays this way.
The fighting situation died down on
Twitter, and as usual, people moved on
and focused on other pressing matters.
Niki still maintains that she will gladly
deal with people who come at me. She
still maintains that Buhle didn’t get
enough punches. She still maintains that
the other friends who tried to jump her
will bump into her one day, and she will
gladly finish what they tried starting.
Nomvuyo laughed when she heard about
what happened. She laughed even more
when she saw the video.
Anyway, I’m now focusing on this
wedding.
I thought of the word “museum” while
Derek was rearranging my guts and it’s
been in my mind for weeks now.
I’m in Derek’s study, trying to jot down
my ideas.
The door opens and he walks in.
Derek: Hey.
Me: Hello.
Derek: I’m going to see Melinda.
Me: Oh okay then.
My appointment with her is tomorrow. I
had forgotten.
Derek: See you when I come back.
Me: Shap.
He walks out and I go back to planning.
I haven’t seen Derek’s people in a month.
Ever since Niki told me that I’m ugly, I’ve
had to take a step back and fill up my cup.
Another wakeup call for me was having to
go to hospital for two days the previous
week. I was inexplicably exhausted. When
we got to the doctor, I was told that I’m
experiencing extreme burnout. I
personally never thought such existed. I
always hear people saying they have
burnout, but I always thought it was a
made up thing… Turns out it exists.
I was basically bedridden for a week.
Now, it’s a new week, and I’m feeling
much better.
Clearly staying away from the main
source of my exhaustion is a good
decision. I’ve been avoiding everyone like
the plague.
Anyway, my wedding…
Derek thinks I’ve really postponed it, but I
think I’ll manage to get everything done
by October latest.
He loves surprises, so maybe this should
be a surprise wedding…
Actually!
I call my mother and ask her what she
thinks.
Mom: Surprise wedding?! Yini leyo?!
I chuckle.
Me: Mama, the more I speak about it, the
more it sounds like a great idea!
Mom: Heyi! Heyi! Yini leyo??
I laugh at her.
Me: It means Derek won’t know ukuthi
siyashada until he gets to the venue and
he sees us there.
Mom: Ziyanda, I’m not understanding!
Me: Yoh, mama. I want a surprise
wedding. This means I will plan
everything secretly and then Derek will
only find out during the people!
Mom: Ziyanda, that sounds like a good
idea to you?!
Me: Yes! That’s it, I’m doing a surprise
wedding!
She sighs in defeat.
Me: Don’t tell anyone! I’ll come over
sometime this week to discuss everything
with you and your husband. No one
should know!
Mom: Hai okay then.
I end the call. Wow, I suddenly feel
excited and rejuvenated.
Unlike me, Derek can handle surprises!
I’m going to make him think I want
nothing to do with a wedding, and then I
will surprise his ass!
Whoa, the ideas start flowing and I jot
them down!
Super duper excited, I tell you!
***
When Derek comes back from his session
with Melinda, he’s extremely down.
I’m caught up between wanting to give
him his space, and suffocating him with
hugs.
I go to him.
Me: Need space?
He shakes his head.
We reposition on the couch so his head is
on my chest.
Me: Wanna talk about it?
He shakes his head.
We sit in silence for a very long time.
He eventually puts up his head and looks
at me.
Derek: I feel like shit.
Me: At least you don’t look like shit…
Unlike some of us…
He chuckles.
Derek: You don’t look like shit.
Me: Derek, I’m losing all my weight and
not even in a cute way.
He continues chuckling.
Me: You still look sexy.
Derek: I don’t feel sexy. I plant a kiss on
his nose.
Me: Talk to me.
He sighs.
Derek: It's like I'm taking 5 steps forward
and 10 steps back.
I keep quiet.
Derek: We discussed the sexual abuse and
I lost it…
Me: Is it something she said?
Derek: The more we delve deeper into it, I
just feel more disgusted.
I sigh.
Derek: I can’t believe I really went
through that shit. It blows my mind.
Me: I’m sorry.
He rests his head on my chest and we’re
silent again.
I genuinely don’t know how to make him
feel better. I’ve been through all of this,
but I always try not to bring that up,
because I want him to go through this in
his own way, and not make it about me.
All I know is that the journey to health
and happiness is never sunshine and
rainbows.
He has to go through all of this. I’m just
glad he’s no longer suppressing his
trauma.
Derek: Zi.
Me: Hmm?
Derek: You’re the highlight of my entire
life.
Me: Aww, Star…
He looks at me and smiles lightly.
Derek: You stress me out about 99.9% of
the time, but I wouldn’t have it any other
way.
Me: I stress you out? Do you know how
frustrating it is living with you these
days? I’m stressed 99.9% of the time! He
chuckles and I plant a kiss on his
forehead.
Me: You’re my person, Nkanyezi. I also
wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s really
nice discovering myself alongside you.
Derek: I doubt I would have the courage
to face my demons if you weren’t in my
life.
Me: Chile, and your demons are hectic.
He chuckles.
Derek: Gimme a kiss.
He repositions till his face is touching
mine.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
Now I’m really convinced that a surprise
wedding will do him good!
***
I’ve just had a meeting with the lady
who’ll be designing my dress. Derek and
his brothers always use the same guy
when it comes to their formal wear, so I’m
planning on meeting up with him to
discuss my vision for the crazy men in my
life. At least he knows them, so I don’t
have to worry about sizes and all of that.
I bump into Phumi.
Lol.
Andile asked me to back off after the
festival, and because my ass was suffering
from burnout, I did exactly that. I have no
idea what’s going on between them, but it
seems like they’re going on dates and shit.
Phumi: Fancy bumping into you in these
streets.
Me: Hello, Phumi.
Phumi: Hey, how are you?
Me: I’m good and you?
She chuckles.
Phumi: All my friends have temporarily
cancelled me because of you.
Me: Haibo, what did I do?
Phumi: Niki beat up Buhle!
Me: Manje? Niki is a grown ass woman,
and she can do whatever she wants.
Phumi: She punched her, Ziyanda!
Me: Charge it to the game.
She sighs.
Me: That girl that called me a bitch and
tried putting her hands on me is your
friend?
Phumi: She was drunk.
Me: Udakwa snax.
I grunt as I think back to how close she
was getting to me, outchea calling me a
bitch ngingamazi nokumazi. I should have
sat on her chest and suffocated her.
Phumi: Anyway, I’m friendless because of
you.
Me: Uzoba strong.
She sighs.
Me: Why exactly did they cancel you?
Phumi: They think I didn’t have their
back.
Me: Hmm, kunzima.
Phumi: I planned that event. It would
have been a bad look for me. I was
already trending on social media for some
fucked up shit. How was fighting going to
help me regain the dignity I involuntarily
lost?
Yoh, she has real problems, mos.
Me: Askies. You want to grab a drink?
She grunts and nods.
We walk to the car and get in.
Me: Uhm, don’t mind my shady driving. If
we die, we die.
Phumi: Hai hai!
I laugh.
Me: I’m serious. Derek keeps forcing me
to drive.
Phumi: Let’s say a quick prayer first.
Me: Mxm!
I start the car and drive to Hyde Park
Corner.
***
They serve our drinks.
Me: So, what’s the problem with your
people?
Phumi: I understand their frustrations, I
really do, but they’re not willing to hear
me out.
I keep quiet.
She looks like she needs to vent.
Phumi: I’ve always been the struggling
one in our group.
Me: Struggling in what sense?
Phumi: Every sense of the word! Money
wise, ndoda wise, career wise… Zonke.
I nod.
Phumi: I recently got into this planning
route. My friend’s boyfriend introduced
me to it… The friend you slapped, Unathi.
Mxm.
Me: Hmkay.
Phumi: Anyway, this was the first time I
felt energised in years! I loved every
minute of the planning and execution
process.
Me: Good for you.
Phumi: And then Mvelo came along…
Me: Konje who’s Mvelo?
My ass knows who Mvelo is!
Phumi: Bitch, don’t play dumb.
We chuckle.
Phumi: Mvelo and I built a great thing… I
was falling hard for him… Until the
Twitter thing happened.
Me: You didn’t know that he’s married?
Phumi: I had no clue. He played me.
Me: Manje what is he saying?
Phumi: I’m genuinely not interested
anymore. He’s just sorry that he got
caught.
Me: Yoh, amadoda.
Phumi: Don’t say that… You seem to be
holding on to a good one.
Me: Hai nami I had to go through the most
first.
Phumi: You know, after everything I’ve
been through in my life, I’ve finally gotten
to a place where I know my worth. When
Mvelo and I started our relationship, I
made it clear that I value honesty more
than anything. That was the perfect time
for him to come clean about his situation.
However, he looked me dead in the eye
and had the audacity to say he also values
honesty.
Sies.
Phumi: I made myself clear. This lie was a
deal breaker. There’s no negotiating
yourself out of a deal breaker. As hurt as I
am, as sad as I am, I’m never going to take
him back. He needs to deal with the
consequences of his actions. I will find
another love, there’s no such thing as
soulmates.
Me: You don’t think soulmates exist?
She shakes her head.
Phumi: That whole concept makes people
feel like they will never be loved again.
How many times have you been in love?
After your first love, did you not think
that the world was over? But look at you
now…
Me: I mean…
Phumi: I’m going to have a lot of
opportunities to love and be loved. Mvelo
is not my be all and end all. I’ll be fine.
Me: Yoh…
I ask for another drink.
Phumi: I’m going through the most right
now, but my career is finally coming
together, and that has always stressed me
out more than anything.
Me: What are you working on now?
Phumi: I’m working for an events
company. We do weddings, birthdays,
baby showers… blah blah blah.
I decide not to tell her that I need help
planning my wedding.
Derek would kill me.
Also, she’s friends with that Buhle.
Why am I sitting here with her?
She’s friends with that hoe!
I think she sees my facial expression,
because she asks what’s wrong.
Me: You’re friends with Buhle.
Phumi: And you’re friends with Niki.
Me: Niki aside, your friend did some
shady shit.
Phumi: Niki also did some shady shit.
I grunt in frustration.
Phumi: At the end of the day, like you
said, our friends are grown, and we can’t
stop them from doing what they think is
best.
Me: So calling Derek at 3am is best?
She sighs.
Me: Your friend was beaten up for a
reason.
She sighs again.
Phumi: I didn’t know about that call.
Me: Mxm.
Phumi: Let’s not discuss our friends. I’m
not going to badmouth Buhle, she’s a very
close friend of mine.
I don’t say anything.
Phumi: However, once she’s okay, I’ll talk
to her about her actions.
Me: I was cool with her, because I respect
what she does for a living. I knew about
her crush, but pretended not to know,
because I didn’t want her to feel
awkward. I didn’t want her to feel
uncomfortable.
Phumi: You knew?
I nod.
Me: She crossed the line with that call and
inviting him over for lunch. She crossed
the line and disrespected my relationship.
Phumi: Yoh.
Me: Derek also tells me that even after he
told her about his relationship status, she
was still acting like a lovesick puppy.
Phumi finishes her drink.
Me: What would you do?
She laughs sarcastically.
Phumi: You don’t want to know…
My phone vibrates. It’s a message from
Derek asking me to get him biltong.
After a few minutes, I focus on Phumi
again.
Phumi: Look at you blushing…
I sigh.
Me: Manje what’s happening between you
and Andile?
She smiles.
Phumi: I’ve been instructed to keep my
mouth shut when it comes to you.
Me: Wooow! I’m offended!
She laughs.
Phumi: We’re just getting to know each
other, nothing serious.
Me: Hmmkay.
Phumi: I’m not rushing into things again.
Ngifundile.
The waiter brings our drinks.
Me: Yoh, I forgot I’m driving.
Phumi takes my drink.
Phumi: I’ll have that…
I ask for water.
Just then, I get a call from Niki.
Me: Nikwe.
Niki: Where are you? I’m in the mood to
drink!
Me: Hai, Niki, I’m driving.
Niki: Yhuu, where are you? Derek can
fetch us later!
I tell her where I am.
Niki: I’ll be there soon. My Hunters must
ready. I need a palate cleanser.
She ends the call before I can even
respond.
This is going to turn into something else,
and I’m not ready.
Me: Niki is on her way.
Phumi: Ziyanda, you’re really testing me.
Me: Aww, you like me and you’re scared
of liking me.
I gasp dramatically.
Me: Is this a forbidden love?
She laughs and rolls her eyes.
We continue chatting till Niki emerges.
When she gets to the table, she eyes
Phumi, who eyes her back.
Niki: Am I beating up another one today?
Phumi: Unganya.
She sits and then drinks her Hunters.
Niki: Haibo, kanti kwezakalani la with you
two?
The waiter comes and gets her order.
Me: She’s been cancelled by her friends.
Niki: Which friends?
Niki finishes her drink.
Phumi: You caused an entire scene!
Niki: If this is some kumbaya moment,
then I want none of it. I hit your friend,
and I would gladly do it again. We all have
choices in life, and I choose to beat up
bitches that come for me and my friends.
Do I care that I trended? Nope. Do I care
what you or anyone else thinks? Nope. I’m
not here to collect awards for being the
best behaved in class or the pretty
untainted rose. You expected me to invite
your friend over for tea and discuss her
hoe-ish ways? I heard her saying Ziyanda
is annoying, and I explicitly heard her
saying Ziyanda is a cockblocker. As a
result, punches were thrown.
Me: Wait, what?
An entire cockblocker??
Me: She said I’m a cockblocker?! I can’t
help but laugh.
Phumi: She was drunk.
Lol, so Phumi left out that part when she
was telling me how the fight broke out.
Niki: Since we’re blaming it on the
alcohol, then nami I was drunk. We were
all drunk! End of story!
The waiter brings more drinks for Niki.
Niki: Anyway, how are things with you
and Andi?
Phumi sighs heavily.
Phumi: Ziyanda will tell you all about it.
Niki: Are you leaving?
Phumi: I have a meeting in 30 minutes, so
I want to walk around and get the alcohol
out of my system.
Niki: Hmkay.
Phumi gives me the money for her drinks.
Phumi: I’ll see you around.
Me: Shap.
Niki: Tell your friends that it’s on sight…
Phumi: Hai man.
She takes her bag.
Phumi: Bye, guys.
Me: Bye.
She walks out. I look at Niki.
Niki: Your appearance is improving bit by
bit. Continue doing whatever you’re
doing.
Me: Disrespectful bitch.
Niki: On a serious note though, I have no
idea why you would want to hang out
with Phumi… Stay away from her.
Me: I just bumped into her.
Niki: Hmkay.
I take a sip of my water.
Me: I won’t stay long. Derek is expecting
me soon.
Niki: Good, I miss him. Maybe I can tell
him how you “bumped” into Phumi.
Me: Nikiwe.
Niki: What? He’s your fiance. He knows
everything, angithi?
I grunt and finish my water.
This is Nikiwe threatening to expose my
shady ass. Now, I have no choice but to
tell Derek about this accidental drink
session…
***
I’m so annoyed by this driving situation.
A person can’t drink happily now because
of a stupid car.
Anyway, I drop off Niki and head home.
When I get there, I find Dean in the
kitchen.
I haven’t seen him in weeks. I had
blatantly told him that I need to be away
from everyone, and I was shocked when
he said, “Okay.”
Little did I know that he’s been holding a
grudge…
Me: Hello.
He ignores me and dishes up for himself.
Oh, the drama…
I walk in and find Derek playing with
Little Star. I sit next to him and give him a
kiss.
Derek: My biltong?
I take it out of my bag and give it to him.
Derek: I was ready to throw a tantrum.
Me: I see…
Derek: Do you have something to tell me?
Me: Huh?
Derek: You’re sitting at a distance and
you’re tense.
Me: Uhm, I’m just tired.
Derek: Hmkay-
Me: Okay! I was with Phumi I bumped
into her we went out for drinks but I only
had one drink and then we talked about
the fight and then I asked her how things
are with Andile and she told me they’re
getting to know each other I’m sorry I
promise it was a coincidence.
He stares at me for a long time.
Derek: Thank you for letting me know.
I close one eye and open the other.
Me: Are you angry?
He chuckles.
Derek: No.
I sigh in relief.
Derek: I still maintain that you should
keep your distance.
Me: Okay.
He kisses Little Star and stands.
Derek: She’s sleepy. Let me put her to
sleep.
Me: *whispering* What’s wrong with
your brother?
He laughs.
Derek: Angizingeni.
He walks away and I groan as Dean walks
in and sits on the couch opposite me.
I stare at him as he eats.
Lol, he’s so serious.
Me: You want space?
Dean: Mxm.
Me: Come on, Dean, I was tired of
everything.
He looks at me blankly.
Me: You’ll have to get over whatever
you’re pissed about because I’m going to
need your help planning this surprise
wedding.
Dean: What??
Me: Shhh!
I stand and go sit next to him.
Me: Dean, I swear if you even think of
Deaning on me, I will personally chop
your toes off and feed them to the rest of
your family!
Okay, that’s a little dark, but he gets the
point.
I can’t think of anyone else- Dean is the
perfect person to help me out. We worked
so well together for his Engagement Day,
so I know this will be a success.
I know he won’t Dean on me. He will be
killed.

INSERT 269 (Unedited)

Okay, so this surprise wedding is really
happening. I make my way to Dean’s
workplace.
I’ve never been here.
I’ve never seen Dean in his element.
When I walk into the big premises, I call
him and he says he’ll send his PA to come
fetch me.
I feel like it’s my birthday, I don’t know
why I’m so excited.
A few minutes later, a young lady comes
to fetch me. She smiles as I follow her into
the elevator.
When we get to the floor, she takes me to
Dean’s office.
Me: Langa!
The PA looks at me in shock.
Dean: Ya wena.
I walk to him and give him a hug.
Dean: Is the boardroom ready?
The PA says yes.
Dean: I’ll be there in a few…
Just then, Nolwazi walks in and I
immediately tense up. Shit, I forgot she
also works here!
Nolwazi: Zizi?
Me: Hey, Lwazi…
She walks to me and we share a hug.
Nolwazi: What are you doing here?
Me: Me? Oh, uh-
Dean: I’m mentoring her for the day.
Nolwazi: Oh?
Dean: She’s been complaining about the
teachers not doing their job… I want her
to join us for our team meeting today.
Nolwazi: Oh, that’s perfect. Why didn’t
you tell me, Zi? I’m an expert in team
dynamics.
Me: Really? I had no idea.
She smiles.
Nolwazi: Don’t worry, I’ll also help you
out.
Man, I just came here to discuss my
wedding, but I’ll take the extra lessons on
team dynamics, I guess.
Nolwazi looks at Dean.
Nolwazi: Ready?
Dean: We’ll be there in a few.
Nolwazi: Alright.
She walks out.
Damnit, she is sexy.
Dean is sexy.
They are sexy.
There’s something sexy about people in
their element at work. I don’t know, they
turn me on… But then again, I’m weird as
hell...
***
By the end of that meeting, I’m reminded
why Nolwazi is a boss bitch!
Me: Lwazi, I’m in love with you!
She laughs sweetly.
She handled her team like a true leader.
They were discussing why staff morale
was low and how they are going to work
together to fix things.
What did I learn from that meeting?
I’m a cold bitch at work. I’m too strict. I
need to find other ways of connecting
with my teachers. It’s a bitter pill to
swallow, but I’m glad I’ve reached this
Aha Moment. I think I have the same
leadership style as Dean. We are
authoritative and we want shit done. We
don’t care about the emotions, people
must just do their jobs.
Nolwazi has taught me a lot. I’ll
implement some of the strategies she
displayed in that meeting. I’ll also be
meeting with her for one on one
meetings. She’s going to be my mentor,
moving forward.
This whole insecurity thing made me
forget how amazing she is. I’m glad I came
here, because she’s a hard worker and I
can learn a lot from her.
***
Me: Thank you for lying for me.
Dean: You seem to think I’m a snitch.
Me: Well…
Dean: I’m not a snitch. I said what I said.
Man, the joy I feel when these men in my
life start using my ratchet TV lingo? Love
it!
Me: I don’t think I tell you this enough,
but I love you.
Dean: Mxm.
Me: I love youuu!
I stand and give him a squeeze.
Dean: Ziyanda.
Me: Say you love me tooo!
I look at him and he stifles a smile.
Me: Deaaan!
I plan on annoying him until he says it
back.
Dean: I love you too.
Me: Yaas!
He gives me a hug and then we sit.
Me: Okay, so while Derek and I were
having sex, I had a great idea.
Dean: Masimb’ akho, Ziyanda.
I laugh.
Me: Side note, I had a session with
Melinda last week, and I came to a very
strange realisation.
Dean: What?
Me: I’ve noticed that ever since we found
out that you and Derek are twins, your
personalities tend to alternate.
Dean: Huh?
I explain to him my observation. When
the other one is happy and approachable,
the other one becomes cold and closed-
off.
Dean: Really?
Me: Yes.
Dean: Huh, that’s interesting.
Me: So I was telling Melinda that because
you’re both technically my husbands, I’ve
had to deal with this transition.
He chuckles.
Me: And my personality also switches
according to your vibes.
Dean: Uyabheda wena.
Me: I’m serious. I find myself addressing
Derek the same way I’d address you…
And then I address you the same why I’d
address Star...
Dean: You know Derek is Sensitive Susie,
so why would you do that?
Me: Hey, akatefi akatefi ubhuti...
We laugh.
Dean: Can we discuss this wedding before
Nolwazi disturbs us?
Me: Okay. I take out my notebook.
Me: So, as I was saying, Derek and I were
having some breathtaking sex-
Dean: Futsek.
Me: Mxm.
Dean: Just get to the point.
Me: No, I’m trying to build context. You
need to understand how intense the
situation was… It was truly inspirational.
Dean: Fuck you, Ziyanda.
Me: That’s exactly what Star was doing
me.
He stands and I laugh.
Me: Okay, I’m kidding!
He sits and looks at me threateningly.
Me: Is that the look you give to your
employees and then they end up shitting
their pants?
He bursts into laughter.
Me: Okay, on a serious note.
I open my notebook.
Me: I’ve been inspired… The word
“museum” has been in my head for weeks
now.
Silence.
He is looking at me carefully.
Dean: I’m waiting for you to say you’re
kidding.
Me: I’m not joking.
Dean: You are such a fucken weirdo, I
can’t stand you.
I laugh.
Me: Listen to meee! He shakes his head in
defeat as he listens to my idea.
By the time I’m done, he looks a bit
convinced.
Me: Do you get my vision?
He sighs.
Dean: Let me pray about it.
Me: Argh.
He chuckles.
Dean: I think it could use a bit of
tweaking…
Me: Then give me some constructive
feedback…
Dean: Alright then…
***
It’s the 1st of September.
Things have been great.
Dean and I make a mean team, as usual.
Basically, September will be Derek’s
Appreciation Month.
Dean suggested I do something special
before the wedding.
We decided that everyday will be special.
I will do something for Derek everyday or
give him gifts till our surprise wedding.
He will be loved left, right and centre!
We have planned the following:
1st- indoor picnic (he looooves this) + sex
(yes this shit is a gift especially if I get on
top) 2nd- movie date 3rd- milkshake date
4th- cologne (gift) 5th- basket filled with
his favourite snacks (delivered at work)
6th- personalised wooden watch case for
his exclusive watches 7th- personalised
whiskey and beer glasses 8th- desktop
decision spinner 9th- photo album we’ll
work on together (I’ll print all our
pictures) 10th- coffee mug filled with
Little Star’s cute faces 11th- personalised
cozy throw 12th- leather journal 13th-
vision board exercise 14th- locket
cufflinks with our photos (for our
wedding) 15th- a letter I actually wrote
while I was pregnant with our first child
(wrote this while we were fighting) 16th-
couple’s key chain (with our initials and
the date we started working together)
17th- a big empty jar (we will write what
we’re grateful for on a daily basis and
read the notes every new year) 18th- a tie
(for our wedding) 19th- sands of time
hourglass (for his office) 20th- homemade
cupcakes (I swear I will learn and master
this shit with no one’s help) 21st- box
filled with “Open When...” letters 22nd-
box filled with “Why you’re amazing”
letters just focusing on his awesomeness
23rd- big goofy painting of us (Derek, me,
Little Star, Lwazi and Lelo) 24th- puzzle
made from one of our many cute pictures
(we’ll work on it together) 25th- Let’s Get
Naked- The Sexy Activity Book for
Couples (it’s an actual book) 26th- socks
(for the wedding) 27th- vows (I’ll make
this sexy beast write his vows without
him realising what he’s doing) 28th-
personalised love book (an actual story
book based on our love story- it will even
include illustrations) 29th- jar filled with
kindness (notes filled with kind words for
when I’m in one of my moods and he feels
lonely) 30th- I haven’t decided what I will
do… We’ll see when the time comes, but it
will definitely be heart-warming.
So, yes…
September will be his month.
We will get married on the 1st of October.
Planning is going well, and I think we’ll
pull it off.

INSERT 270
It’s the 9th of September.
Today’s gift involves working on our very
first photo album. We’re so
technologically driven, that we lose touch
with the simple things. Our grandparents
and parents have stacks of photo albums
and those things never get damaged,
instead the memories are so deep, that
you feel like you were there with them as
you look through the photos.
I want that with Derek. I want to bond
with him as we go through our memories.
Many years from now, I don’t want to be
showing my children a Google Drive
folder, I want to show them hundreds of
physical pictures that captured lovely
moments in my life.
Derek has been glowing and I’ve been
gaining my weight back.
Stress is not good for me, and I’m glad
Niki told my ass to get it together. Bheka
manje ngabe ngi-shady on my wedding
day!
Dean is such an arrogant sweetheart, and
just like Derek, my love for him multiplies
on a daily basis. As soon as he sees that
I’m about to panic about something
related to the wedding, he stops
everything and takes me out for ice-
cream.
To ease my anxiety, he has managed to
ensure that all the daily gifts are ready,
even the personalised ones. Now, all he
does is deliver the gifts everyday.
How blessed am I?
Anyway, today is Photo Album Day.
Derek is still at work.
I go to work three days a week, and then
work from home for two days.
Derek has decided that he’ll stop
Principaling at the end of the term.
His moods have drastically improved.
Melinda made me realise something…
Derek’s unspoken love language is
Receiving Gifts! We’ve always thought
that it was Quality Time, but September
has made me realise how happy he gets
when he receives gifts. He hasn’t been
cranky since he’s been getting gifts
consistently! I don’t even think he realises
this.
Anyway, Dean arrives and drops off the
album and all the cute decorations.
Me: Thank you, Mr Postman.
He chuckles.
Dean: See you tomorrow. Love you.
Me: Love you too!
He gives me a squeeze before leaving.
***
When Derek comes back from work, he
knows that something is going down and
the smile on his face says it all.
Aww, clearly I need to do this more often.
I don’t think I show him enough how
much he means to me… I’ve just been so
caught up in the drama that I forgot to
remind him how valuable he is.
Derek: Hey.
Me: Hiii!
Derek: What’s happening?
Me: I ordered burgers for dinner, because
it’s going to be a jam-packed evening. No
cooking.
Derek: Hmm.
Me: Go take a shower.
Derek: Hmkay.
He walks away happily.
***
When he comes down, I ask him to come
to the dining room. The table is set up and
all our resources are here.
Derek: What’s happening?
Me: Well, I’d like us to work on our very
first photo album.
Derek: Aww, baby.
Me: I think this is a great bonding
experience.
He wraps his arms around me and gives
me the juiciest kiss.
Derek: You’re too special.
Me: Nkanyi, you’re the special one. I enjoy
seeing you excited like a little boy. He
smiles.
Me: I’ve ghat you.
Derek: That’s the tea.
I giggle and kiss him.
Me: Let’s get started…
We sit next to each other.
Me: I’ve printed all our pictures. We’re
going to create a cute photo album and
decorate it.
He sighs heavily.
Derek: Are you trying to give me a heart
attack?
I smile.
Derek: This is too much for my fragile
heart.
I plant a kiss on his lips.
Me: How do you think we should do it?
Derek: Chronological order.
Me: Okay then.
We take all the photos and arrange them
chronologically.
He takes the one when we were at the zoo
for his birthday.
Derek: Still the best birthday of my entire
life.
Me: I aim to please.
Derek: We make a cute couple yazi.
Me: Wow, so you’re only realising this
now?
He chuckles as he looks through the
photos.
Derek: I’m mad that Mdu has
trademarked the name Chubby Cheeks. It
would fit you perfectly as well.
Me: Hey!
He laughs.
Me: You know I don’t like pet names. Baby
is fine.
He plants a kiss on my cheeks.
Derek: You’re the apple of my eye.
Me: Staaap!
He smiles as we start putting the photos
and decorations.
Me: Do you believe in soulmates?
He looks at me.
Me: Phumi was telling me how she
doesn’t believe in them.
Derek: I don’t know… I think our hearts
are capable of loving even after we think
it’s impossible.
Me: So you can have more than one
soulmate?
He shrugs.
Derek: I guess… When I was with Busi, I
thought she was my soulmate, but look
how that ended…
Me: I get it…
Derek: However, you’re definitely my
soulmate.
Me: Really?
Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: I’m just asking. You don’t think you’ll
get tired of me?
Derek: Bullshit.
Me: Hmkay.
We continue chatting.
Me: So… How is Mvelo as a person?
He laughs lightly.
Derek: I was wondering when you’re
going to ask me about him.
I pout.
Derek: He’s a good guy.
Me: Manje do you agree with how he did
things with Phumi?
Derek: No. I find it selfish. What he did
showed that he is nowhere near ready for
a serious relationship that is based on
trust and honesty. I’d never lie about such
a big thing.
Me: Exactly. He is shady as hell.
Derek: You can’t start relationship with
lies. It almost never works out.
Me: Poor Phumi is going through the
most.
Derek: Ziyanda, I don’t get you. I
genuinely don’t understand you
sometimes.
Me: Whyyy?
Derek: Phumi is Buhle’s friend. What
makes you think she will befriend you
and be loyal to you?
Me: I feel like she’s my friend-soulmate.
When I’m with her, I legit get the vibes I
got when I first met all my close friends…
That feeling when you know that you’re
meant to be close with the person.
He shakes his head.
Derek: Unbelievable.
I pout.
Derek: So you want to be friends with
her?
Me: She also likes me.
Derek: You want to be friends with her?
I shrug.
Derek: I don’t want you to be involved in
unnecessary drama. Your wellbeing is my
priority. Seeing you and Niki fight that
day really affected me. I hate that
someone got you that angry.
Me: I wasn’t angry though.
He looks at me.
Me: Oh, trust me, I wasn’t angry. Had I
been angry, I would have blacked out and
done crazy things. Derek, you’ve never
seen me angry angry.
Derek: Don’t scare me.
I laugh.
Me: That girl got close to me and called
me a weak bitch. I was going to leave her,
but she kept coming closer to me. I know
a bitch that wants to fight, and she
wanted a fight. I just gave her a little
smack that’s all.
He laughs.
Derek: I don’t want you to fight people,
especially if I’m the cause of it.
Me: This was beyond you. I wasn’t even
thinking about the crush thing. I was
going to check on my friend, and then
some stranger tried getting to my face
and I stopped her. I felt disrespected and
in that moment the only way I could fix
things was to hit her. Talking wasn't going
to help. Those people were ready for war
when I got there.
Derek: I was amazed by Niki. She was
ready to fight one-man.
Me: They were weak. She would have
survived by herself. They didn't have that
thing. That's why I had to go back, to
make sure that she wasn't being jumped
by bullfighters like us.
Derek: Kanti Ziyanda who have you
fought?
I chuckle.
Me: Ask Mdu… He has seen it all…
He laughs.
Derek: On a serious note, I’ve told
Zimkitha to cancel the project.
Me: What?!
Derek: The lack professionalism is too
much. I want nothing to do with Buhle
and her ghetto friends. Me: I’m also
ghetto.
Derek: And I love you and your
ghettoness. I wouldn’t change anything
about you.
He sighs.
Derek: Buhle must find a man that will
also tolerate her. I am not that man.
Me: Eish, so you’re cancelling the whole
thing?
He nods.
Derek: I don’t have time for that shit. She
was still lovesick even after she found out
that I’m engaged. I tried downplaying the
situation, but I don’t have the time. Buhle
must go flourish elsewhere.
Me: I’m not complaining.
Derek: You have every right to feel some
type of way about women coming at me
with other motives. I just don’t want you
to ever worry about dealing with them. I’ll
do the dirty work.
Me: My vagina is twitching.
He chokes and laughs.
Me: Wheww…
We continue working on our photo album
till we are done…
Day 9 went well!
***
We are now halfway there!
It’s the 15th.
Star is happy. I am happy. We are happy.
Go monate, maan!
So today’s gift is a letter I wrote to Star
back when I had a miscarriage.
I wrote it after we had a verbal altercation
and he basically blamed me for the
miscarriage out of anger.
I have made a copy of the letter and put it
in an envelope. I’ve tried my best not to
dwell on that experience. It has got to be
my biggest emotional battle till today,
because I wasn't ready for it.
I find him in the bedroom, watching TV.
Me: Have a moment?
He nods.
I get in bed next to him and hand him the
envelope.
Derek: Hmm…
He smiles.
Me: Open it.
He lowers the TV volume and opens the
letter.
It reads:
Dear Derek,
I’m sitting here trying to figure out how
exactly I feel. As I’m sitting here, I’m
bleeding heavily and I have abdomen
pains- I've never experienced such
excruciating pain. Our unborn child is
basically fighting his/her way out of my
system, and nothing has prepared me for
this experience. I feel like I’m dying as
well. A part of me is dying and I can’t do
anything about it.
I keep thinking about what you said to
me. You said I never wanted this baby so I
must be happy that all of this is
happening. You’re blaming me for all of
this. You think I’m enjoying all of this. I
don’t understand why you would even
say such. You’re taking all your anger out
on me, and you’re forgetting that I’m the
one who is in contact with the blood. I’m
the one dealing with the pains. Do you
honestly think I’m that evil that I would
enjoy going through this? Continuously
changing pads, knowing that it could have
been my baby? I don’t wish this on my
worst enemy. I was slowly coming to
terms with this baby, and now it’s gone.
Now I have to live with the guilt for the
rest of my life. I feel guilty that I wasn’t
open to the pregnancy like you. I feel
guilty for not accepting the baby sooner. I
feel guilty that you're hurt because of me.
Your comments have left me feeling like a
criminal.
I'm so angry at you. I can't believe you
would say such. You always say the
cruelest things when you're angry. Your
tongue is lethal when you're angry, and
you have a meanstreak that only becomes
visible when you're angry…
However, despite all of this, my love for
you remains unchanged. I've been trying
to convince myself that I have never hated
anyone the way I hate you, but all of that
is a lie. Somehow, even within this chaos,
my love for you is the only thing that
gives me a sense of peace. It's as if my
heart knows without a doubt that I could
walk away and search for love elsewhere,
but all roads would lead right back to you.
I believe that our feelings can never be
replicated. This here journey is ours, the
two of us, and at the end of the day, I
wouldn't face it with anyone else.
I know you're angry. I'm also angry.
However, I don't hate you. I could never
hate you. I'm human. I understand that
we get carried away sometimes, and our
emotions dictate us. I get it.
I just wish there was a better of
communicating our anger instead of
lashing out and saying hurtful things. I'm
also guilty of this. I'd like to build a
healthy relationship with you. I hope
things will work out in the future. They
have to work out, because I'm not willing
to give my heart to someone else again.
We have to figure it out…
I love you,
Ziyanda.
***
We sit there for a very long time.
Eventually he puts the letter aside and
pulls me closer.
Derek: We're nowhere near perfect, but
we're slowly getting there.
I nod.
Derek: I'll always be patient with you.
Me: Me too.
He plants a kiss on my forehead.
Derek: I think about our unborn baby
every single day… I still think it was a boy.
I roll my eyes and chuckle.
Derek: And then we were blessed with
Lwazi, Lelo and Liyakha. Liya is just over
a year old now...
Me: Hey… Triple L.
He chuckles.
I legit never noticed.
Me: Star.
Derek: Yes, baby?
I take a deep breath.
Me: I'm pregnant.
There's silence as expected.
Derek: Excuse me??
I look at him.
Me: I didn't renew my injection.
His jaw is on the floor.
Me: I'm literally 4 weeks pregnant.
Silence.
Me: Star?
I look at him nervously.
I thought this would be a great surprise.
I actually want another baby.
I don't know what has possessed me, but I
legit want another baby.
Before I know it, his arms are around me
and then his on top of me and then I'm on
top of him and then we out of bed and
then his lifting my fat ass up.
Derek: Are you fucking with me?
I shake my head.
Yhu, I'm suddenly so emotional.
I've never wanted something so badly.
Like, I was secretly praying that I was
pregnant. Derek has no idea how many
pregnancy tests I've taken…
And now, it's happening, and I'm planning
on being present from beginning to end…
What a journey it has been with my Star...

INSERT 271
I’ve been getting calls like crazy.
Derek’s people are calling me, because
they’ve just received invitations.
Nomvuyo: Uthi yi-celebration yani le?
Me: We’re celebrating love.
Nomvuyo: Whose love?
Me: Vuvu, this is a couple’s thing!
Nomvuyo: Hmkay… Phela mina I’m trying
to make a baby, so I don’t have time for
nonsense.
Me: So my things are nonsense now? Are
we there now?
Nomvuyo: Hai suka. I still don’t like you.
Me: This distance between us is getting
out of hand. Before you know it, I won’t
even love you anymore.
Nomvuyo: Wow, I’m so touched.
I laugh.
Me: I miss you. Can we do lunch this
week?
Nomvuyo: Okay, baby.
Me: I’m in the mood to be with the
caucasians, so you must book an exclusive
restaurant.
She laughs.
Nomvuyo: Shap. I’ll see you soon.
Me: Love you.
Nomvuyo: Love you too. I end the call.
Derek: So what’s this event about?
Me: I haven’t seen your people in a while.
I’d like us to celebrate each other and how
far we’ve all come as individuals and
couples.
He looks at me suspiciously.
Me: Just trust me. It’s going to be amazing.
Derek: Okay.
Me: I got you a nice lil outfit.
Derek: Is it?
Me: Yep.
Derek: Listen, I really don’t give a shit
about any of that. I’m having another
baby.
I smile.
Derek: But we need to start discussing
our wedding- I’m not trying to put you
under pressure, but I’d like us to discuss
it. I don’t want you to do everything on
your own.
Shit.
Derek knows when I’m lying!
What am I supposed to do?
Oh, no, I’m panicking!
Derek: Zi?
I snap out of it.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Ya, why?
Derek: You zoned out.
Me: I’m hungry. Lies. I’m full. I literally
just ate.
Derek: What are you craving?
Me: You.
He blushes.
Me: Woza phela.
I pull him for a luscious kiss.
That was a close one!
***
Okay…
It’s Day 20 and I’m about to bake. All the
ingredients are here and the recipe as
well.
Sometimes, recipes can be confusing. I
think the perfect thing to do is watch
YouTube tutorials.
I take my phone and start searching.
I find the perfect video and get to work!
I don’t understand why people like
complicating things. Baking doesn’t even
seem like a big deal. You mix shit up and
put it in the oven. Cooking is more
complicated, in my very humble opinion.
***
When Derek gets home, the kitchen is not
as tidy as it usually is.
Derek: Baby, did someone break in?
Me: Very funny.
He helps me tidy up.
Derek: Were you baking?
I nod and look at him sadly.
Me: Derek, I don’t know what to do
anymore.
Derek: What’s wrong, baby?
I show him my cupcakes and he tries to
hide his shock.
Derek: Baby… What happened?
Me: I don’t know!
I don’t even know where to begin. All I
can say is that amacupcake wami
aswabile. They legit look like they were
given a hot smack and then aswaba.
They didn’t rise and shine like the
cupcakes in the tutorial!
Derek: I’m not an expert when it comes to
baking…
I sulk.
I worked all day on these.
Derek: Did you add all the ingredients?
I’m so disappointed.
Me: Yes.
Derek: Aww, baby…
I sigh.
Derek: Did you open the oven while they
were in there?
Me: How else was I going to see the
progress?
Derek: Ziyanda, you’re not supposed to
open the oven. The cold air has a negative
effect.
Me: But I wanted to see how they looked.
I groan.
Stupid cupcakes can’t even handle a
breath of fresh air? Weak ass bitches.
People are dying out there, but they’re
affected by a little air?
He wraps his arms around me.
Derek: At least you tried.
Me: Don’t patronise me!
Derek: We can go get some?
I shake my head.
Me: Cupcakes are stupid.
He stifles a laugh and I push him away.
Me: It’s not funny!
Derek: I’m not laughing, baby. I mean, it’s
the thought that counts!
Me: Mxm.
I walk away and leave him there.
***
Dean walks in with a few bottles of wine.
Derek: Long time no see…
Dean: I’ve been busy.
Derek: Too busy to even come check in?
Dean: I’m currently working with a very
dramatic client, who is a perfectionist.
Ungijwayela kabi lo.
Me: What’s with the wine?
Dean: I had a busy day. Thought we’d
share since you’re an alcoholic.
Me: Exqueeze me?
Dean: What?
Derek: Don’t come for my wife.
Dean: Angazi ukhulumani ke wena
because you’re still living in sin here.
You’re a boyfriend.
Me: Rude! Derek laughs.
Me: Go away, you’re not welcome here!
Dean sits.
Dean: Open this wine and let’s test it out.
Derek: For what?
Dean: That stupid event she has invited us
to.
Derek: So this is going to be a wine-
tasting session?
Dean: Ziyanda will probably finish these
bottles.
Me: Dean, this is insulting! I’m not an
alcoholic!
Dean: Hmkay.
He stands and gets glasses and the
opener. He only gets glasses for the two of
us, because Derek has quit wine, stating
that it no longer excites him.
Derek and I look at each other.
Derek: Dean, we’re busy.
Dean: So?
He pours me a glass and gives it to me.
Wheww, it smells so good!
Dean: Good shit, I tell you.
Me: I’m not in the mood, Dean. I don’t
want to drink.
Dean: Yini wena? The only thing that
would stop your alcoholic ass from
drinking would be pregnancy.
Me: Well…
There’s silence.
He is processing.
He puts down his wine glass, sits back and
stares at us.
Dean: Nithini?
Derek: We’re pregnant.
Dean: How? When? Why? Where?
Derek: Uh, we fucked… Uhm, about four
weeks ago, almost five… I guess I don’t
shoot blanks… Uhm, we were probably on
that couch you’re sitting on…
Derek smiles.
Derek: I think I covered all your
questions.
Yhu.
Dean doesn’t say anything.
Me: Dean?
I go sit next to him.
Me: Are you okay?
Dean: Are YOU okay?
Me: Me? I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be okay?
Dean: Your last two pregnancies weren’t
exactly the best…
Me: Aww, you’re worried about me?
Dean: Mxm.
Me: I’m okay. I want this, I really do.
Dean: You do?
I nod.
Dean: Are you sure?
Me: Yes!
He looks at Derek.
Dean: Hoping for twins? Derek nods.
Me: Hai hai, that’s stretching it.
Dean: I’m sure it’s twins. I can feel it.
Me: Haike.
He chuckles.
Dean: Were you planning on hiding this
from me?
Me: Yes! It’s still early to announce.
Dean: Wow, so you were going to leave
me out?
Derek: Of course not. Your nosy ass was
going to find out one way or another.
We laugh and he pulls me for a squeeze.
Dean: Congratulations, kiddo.
Me: Thank youuu!
Dean: So we’ll enjoy ourselves this time
around?
Me: Yes!
He smiles and continues squeezing me.
Derek: So mina I don’t get a hug?
Me: No.
I’m enjoying this hug a bit too much, and I
refuse to let go of him. I love cute and
cuddly Dean- he hardly shows up.
Dean: So I don’t have a drinking buddy
anymore?
Me: You must stop making it seem like
ngiyisdakwa.
We continue chatting.
Dean: What were you up to today?
He knows very well what I was doing.
Derek: She was baking.
Dean: Hawu, where’s the cake? It could go
well with this wine.
Me: Dean.
He chuckles.
Dean: Where’s the cake?
Derek stifles a laugh.
Dean starts laughing.
Dean: Why the fuck would you even touch
an oven? You can’t even fry an egg
properly.
Me: Mxm.
I move and go sit next to Derek.
They start laughing.
Dean: Did you take pictures of the mess?
Derek: No, I’d never do such.
They chuckle knowingly.
I grab Derek’s phone and he tries to take
it from me.
Me: Don’t you dare touch me!
I unlock his phone and go to his gallery.
Me: Wooow!
Yazi this nigga took pictures of
everything! Every damn thing!
Me: Derek!
He looks at me guiltily.
Me: Arghh!
I stand and leave them there as they
continue laughing.
***
It’s now the 27th of September.
The planning process is going really well.
My mother has also been assisting me,
even Zimkitha ended up joining the team.
I had to involve her, because she has the
connections and she insisted on handling
the finances. I didn’t even fight her,
because these people’s relationship with
money is completely different to my
relationship.
My father is still trying to understand how
a surprise wedding works. He’s always
asking me random questions.
Anyway, it’s starting to sink in that I’m
planning my wedding.
My fat ass is pregnant and getting ready
to get married to my wounded sexy beast.
Today, we’re going to be working on our
vows. I won’t tell Derek why we’re doing
this today specifically. I know he’ll enjoy
the activity and won’t ask too many
questions.
He’s been gone since 9am and it’s 2pm
now. I decide to call him.
Derek: My love.
Me: Hey, when are you coming back from
your meeting?
Derek: I’m actually on my way back. I’ll
see you soon.
Me: Shap. Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
I end the call and take out our journals.
***
He walks to the patio and finds me with
Little Star chilling and waiting for him. As
usual, he gives all his attention to Liya
before even focusing on me.
He sits and gives me a peck on the cheek.
Me: Sooo… I’d like us to start thinking
about our vows.
Derek: What vows?
Me: Our wedding vows. He raises an
eyebrow.
Me: You know, just to get us thinking and
uhm excited?
Derek: Ziyanda, my vows have been ready
for a very long time.
Me: Huh?
Derek: Get ready. I’d like us to go to your
parents’ for dinner… We have to tell them
about the twins.
Me: Hai hai hai! Twins?
He chuckles as he stands.
Derek: Are you going to change or you’re
ready?
Me: Derek, what about our bonding
exercise for today?
Derek: Like I said, my vows are ready. You
just need to make up your mind about the
date. I’ve been ready since the day I met
you.
With that said, he walks away and leaves
me hanging.
***
When we arrive at home, my mom is in
the kitchen, in a very good mood.
We go to the lounge and find my dad
watching TV.
Me: Koko.
He smiles when he sees us and
immediately reaches out for Baby Star.
I’m slowly drifting into the background
yazi. People don’t give me these warm
hugs now, instead this child receives all
the love. Manje Derek thinks I’ll survive
with twins? Hai, I don’t want twins.
Derek and I sit next to each other and
watch as my dad showers the drama
queen with kisses.
I smile as soon as I hear Lwazi’s voice.
She has grown into such a cutie.
Lwazi: Hiiii!
She throws herself on top of me and gives
me a kiss. Derek’s hand instantly covers
my belly as Lwazi lands on me quite
roughly.
Lwazi: To what do we owe the pleasure?
Me: Whoa, look at you using sophisticated
language.
Lwazi: I can’t be a lawyer that can’t speak
fluently.
Me: Yaas, baby.
She looks at Derek.
Lwazi: Uncle D!
Lol, she alternates between “Daddy D”
and “Uncle D.” I guess it depends on her
mood.
She gives him a hug and then goes to sit
next to my dad so she can also play with
Little Star. At least Lwazi still gives me my
deserved attention.
Lwazi: Mommy, how’s the weddin-
Me: I’m pregnant!
My mom screams from the kitchen.
Mom: WHAT?!
She rushes to the lounge.
My dad looks at us in shock.
I look at Lwazi and decide that I need to
start hitting her for ukuphapha. She can’t
keep running her mouth with no
consequences.

INSERT 272
Dad: You’re pregnant?
Lwazi: Pregnant?!
Me: Lwazi, go play outside.
Lwazi: But-
Me: Ufuna impama?
She immediately keeps quiet and walks
out.
Uyaphapha lo. I’ve made up my mind- I’m
going to start hitting her.
My dad’s expression changes.
I can’t read him.
Me: Are you angry?
He sighs.
I look at Derek, and I also can’t read his
expression. I hope he’s not angry that I
blurted it out like that.
Derek: Ziyanda and I made a joint
decision that she would not renew her
contraceptive.
Aww, he doesn’t want me to be in trouble
by myself.
Mom: Hawu, you usually fill us in when
you’re making drastic decisions.
Me: The decision was made recently. I- we
didn’t know that it would happen so soon.
I look at my dad and try to read him. I
know my mom doesn’t have a problem
with it, she’s my bestie this one.
I just feel bad for my dad, because in all
honesty, the man has had to deal with a
lot of things because of me. From moving
out and cohabiting, to having a child
before getting married, to having a
miscarriage, and now getting married in a
very peculiar way. I know deep down he
has always wanted to have proper lobola
negotiations, but now Derek’s family
dynamics don’t allow for such to happen.
Now all he’ll get is a bank notification. I
mean, he said the money is enough to
make him accept all the bullshit. I still
don’t know how much they gave him. I
have my personal reservations about
lobola, but if my dad and Derek have no
problem with the setup, then it’s not my
place to stop him.
Me: Are you angry?
My dad sighs.
Dad: Why would I be angry?
Me: We’re not married. .
Dad: Ziyanda, your relationship with
Derek has been very strange from the get
go, but one thing I’m certain of is that you
have worked really hard to create a safe
space for the family you are building.
I sigh in relief.
Dad: I can’t expect you to have children
when I am ready or when your mother is
ready. I can’t dictate your life.
Me: That means a lot to me.
Mom: Heyi kodwa you are fertile, Ziyanda.
Thank God for contraceptives, I’m sure
you’d be running a preschool by now.
Me: Wow!
I’m glad they’re not being dramatic about
this.
We continue chatting and catching up.
Dad: When are you planning on getting
married?
Okay, so he’s going to play along.
But then again, I’m sure this is a genuine
question, because he legit doesn’t
understand this surprise wedding thing.
Derek: You know my stance. I’ve always
wanted to marry her, but I’d rather not
put pressure on her.
Mom: Wena na.
Derek: We’ll get married when both of us
are ready. Right now, I’m just happy that
Ziyanda is embracing the pregnancy, so
we can both be excited about it.
Mom: Aww!
I look at him and smile.
Derek: I look forward to the next 8
months.
Mom: How far along are you?
Me: Approaching five weeks.
Mom: Hmm, alright then. I’m very happy. I
don’t want to be an old grandmother.
Your kids need to enjoy my greatness
while I’m still fresh.
Me: Haike mama.
We continue chatting and I decide to
make my way out of the house to find
Lwazi.
I find her sitting by the gate, busy on her
phone.
Me: Lwazi.
She looks at me.
Lord, she is all sad and sulky.
Me: Come, let’s take a walk.
We walk out of the yard.
Me: Should I go first or you want to go
first?
She grunts.
Lwazi: I don’t like it when you dismiss me
like that. You hurt my feelings.
I nod lightly.
Lwazi: Last week, you also did the same
thing. Whenever you’re stressed, you
shout.
I sigh.
Me: Okay, I hear you…
I sigh again.
Me: I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.
Let me explain why I was angry just now.
You weren’t supposed to mention the
wedding, Lwazi. It’s a surprise wedding,
and Derek doesn’t know anything about
it.
Lwazi: What’s a surprise wedding?
Yoh.
Me: It means Derek has no idea that the
ceremony will be taking place. I’m going
to surprise him. She looks at me in
confusion.
Lwazi: So who’s going to be at the
wedding? Your friends don’t know about
it?
Me: I’m going to trick them into coming.
Lwazi: What will they wear? Will they
know the dress code?
Me: Like I said, I’m tricking them into
coming. They think they’re attending a
different event.
Lwazi: What about Daddy D? How will he
get to the event?
Yoh, Jesu.
I explain everything properly.
She is quiet for a few seconds.
She’s processing.
Lwazi: But mommy, you didn’t tell me
that it’s a surprise wedding.
Me: I didn’t?
Lwazi: No. You just mentioned that your
wedding is on the 1st.
Me: Really?
She nods.
Lwazi: I thought everyone knew. I don’t
even know what a surprise wedding is.
I groan.
Lwazi: Is that why the designers have
been coming to us instead of us going to
them?
I chuckle.
Me: Yes, I don’t want you guys to bump
into Derek that side. It’s closer to our
house.
Lwazi: Ohhh…
I nod.
Lwazi: So what will Daddy D wear?
Me: Dean and I organised something for
him.
Lwazi: So what about your dress?
Me: I’m going to wear two dresses.
Lwazi: Really??
She looks at me excitedly.
Lwazi: So where are you going to hide
your dresses? Are they ready? What if
Daddy D sees them?
Shit, I didn’t think about that.
Lwazi: Hmm, you didn’t think about that,
did you?
Me: Nope.
Lwazi: Why don’t you bring them here?
It’s not like Derek will search my
bedroom.
I laugh and wrap my arm around her
shoulders.
Me: You smart little girl.
Lwazi: I’m not little anymore.
Me: Argh.
She giggles.
Me: I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I
will pay attention to how I address you
when I’m stressed.
Lwazi: I forgive you, mommy. I’m also
sorry for almost messing up your plans.
Me: It’s okay. It was an innocent mistake.
Lwazi: Do you forgive me?
Me: Of course, I forgive you.
We continue walking around the area…
I guess hitting her will never work,
because Melinda has been very influential
in how I interact with her. With all
relationships, communication is more
effective than holding on to anger and
releasing it in negative ways. I don’t want
Lwazi to grow up thinking that the only
way she can be taken seriously is through
stubbornness and drama. Heck, I’m
approaching 30 and still unlearning all
those toxic methods. I want her to
become an emotionally stable woman
who is not afraid to express herself and
also be accountable for her actions.
Hitting doesn’t really help. However, it’s
still an option I am more than willing to
explore should shit get out of hand.
***
As we’re driving back home, I can see that
Derek wants to say something, but he’s
not saying anything.
Me: Khuluma…
He sighs.
Derek: Is there something I’m doing that’s
preventing you from wanting to take the
next step?
Me: I’m confused.
Derek: When Lwazi tried asking you
about the wedding, you were quick to cut
her off.
Oh shame…
He’s so convinced that I don’t want
anything to do with marriage, that he’s
beginning to take it personally.
Derek: I can’t help but think I’m the
problem.
I don’t say anything.
Derek: Am I the problem?
Me: You’re not.
He sighs.
Derek: Okay.
Me: Derek, can you stop overthinking
this? Can we focus on the pregnancy?
Derek: Did you agree to the engagement
just to shut me up?
Me: Haike.
Derek: I’m just asking, Ziyanda. I want to
know if I’m the problem.
Me: You’re not the problem.
Derek: Okay.
Me: Can we please not make this a thing?
Derek: It’s not a thing.
Me: It is. I can tell it’s bothering you.
Derek: Well, wouldn’t you be bothered if
you were me?
Me: Jesu.
I decide to drop it, because I might end up
telling him everything. He’s too sulky for
my liking.
***
It’s the evening of the 30th.
I’ve been so busy and occupied, that I
haven’t really processed what the hell I’m
doing.
What if Derek doesn’t find any of this shit
cute?
I call Dean and he answers.
Dean: Dlamz.
Me: Dean, I’m panicking!
Dean: What’s wrong? Everything is in
order for tomorrow.
Me: What if he hates it?!
Dean: If there’s anyone who’ll never hate
anything you do it’s Derek.
Me: Dean!
Dean: Relax, Derek will love this. We both
know him. There’s nothing he wants more
than to marry you. He called me after you
met up with your parents, thinking he’s
contributing to your fear of marriage.
Trust me, this surprise will blow him
away in a good way.
Me: You think?
Dean: I know this, and you also know this.
Derek will appreciate this. Had it been
me, I would leave your ass, but Derek is
completely different. He will love this.
Me: Okay.
Dean: I’d tell you to have a glass of wine,
but the twins are cockblocking.
Me: Argh.
Dean: Relax. Everything is ready for
tomorrow. Your perfectionism came in
handy, because you ensured that shit was
done accordingly. All that’s left is for you
to tie the knot.
Me: Thank you.
Dean: But you do know that this
ceremony doesn’t mean you’re actually
married, right? You still need to sign the
papers.
Me: Ya, Dean, I’m not a fool!
Dean: I’m just checking.
Me: Mxm. Bye.
Dean: Bye. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: Shap. Love you.
Dean: Love you too, kiddo.
I end the call and focus on Little Star,
because whoa, I’m going crazy…
***
The following morning, I wake up and go
to the balcony.
I feel sick.
I stand there for a few minutes.
Haibo, am I really doing this? A surprise
wedding?
Yoh, Niki is going to kill me! Nomvuyo ke
yena? She will cancel me forever!
Just then, Derek walks out and wraps his
arms around me.
Derek: Morning.
Me: Hey.
Derek: Are you okay?
Me: Aha.
Derek: Sure?
Out of nowhere, I burst into tears.
Derek: Zi…
Yoh, I let it all out.
The anxiety, the stress, the excitement,
the anticipation… Konke, I let it all out.
He holds me and I cry for a good five
minutes.
Derek: Baby…
Me: I don’t know why I’m crying…
Derek: Isn’t it too early for such
symptoms?
Me: Don’t question me!
Derek: Okay, I’m sorry.
I look at him and he wipes me tears.
Me: Love you.
Derek: Uhm, love you too.
Me: No, I’m serious, Derek. I really love
you. I just can’t imagine what my life
would be without you. I really love you.
He smiles.
Me: I know I can be mean to you, but I
hope you don’t doubt my love for you.
Derek: I also have my mean moments.
Me: You do.
Derek: I love you even when you’re mean.
I smile and kiss him.
Me: Let’s take a bath.
Derek: When are we going to see the
gynae?
Me: We can go next week.
He nods.
Derek: I’ll set an appointment.
Me: Alrighty.
I take his hand and lead him inside.
I desperately need to let out my stress
physically…
***
Derek: So, where exactly is this event
taking place?
Me: One of Zimkitha’s properties.
Derek: Why aren’t you using one of my
properties?
Me: Derek, awume. I don’t have time for
this little beef with Zimi.
Derek: I’m not bee-
Me: Actually, I have the time today!
He looks at me in shock.
Me: Do you expect Zimkitha to stay single
for the rest of her life? All of you are in
serious relationships, so yena she must be
everyone’s third wheel forever?
He tries speaking and I stop him.
Me: Hai, let her be! She loves that man,
and none of us have the right to stop her
from following her heart. It’s not like
Bheki is affecting any of us. The only
person who has the right to be angry is
Liwa, but he’s so far up her ass, as usual,
that he has no problem with this!
Derek: He’s far up her ass?
Me: Okay, I didn’t mean to say that, but
you get what I’m saying. He sighs.
Me: I’m not going to have a back and forth
with you. It’s my turn to make the
executive decision- you will apologise to
her today and let it go.
Derek: Yes, ma’am.
Me: Good, now get dressed.
Derek: Why are you dressed so casually?
Me: My dress is that side. I have some last
minute things to fix. You’ll meet me there.
Derek: Hmkay.
Me: Shap.
Just then, we hear footsteps.
Zimkitha: Koko!
Derek rolls his eyes.
I'm sure he regrets giving these people
the keys to the house.
Zimkitha: Hello, children.
Hehe, she is really living her best life. It is
very evident that she is well taken care of.
Zimkitha: Ziyanda, are you ready?
Me: Yes.
Zimkitha: Let's go, I've been waiting for a
while.
She looks at Derek, who is getting
dressed.
Zimkitha: Hello, Nkanyezi.
Derek: Hello.
Me: I’ll give you a few minutes to sort this
out. I don’t have time for drama.
I walk out and leave them there.
As I walk out to Zimkitha's car, it fully
sinks in. Because these people are linked
somehow, they're all going to be in the
same space.
Jesu, Kwanele is Niki's plus 1. Bheki is
Zimkitha's plus 1. Phumi is Andile's plus
1. Luyanda is Jeff's plus 1 (and me and
that girl don't get along). Ziggy yena I told
his ass not to bring Ivy otherwise uzonya.
Dean resents Kwanele. Derek is not sure
about Phumi. Niki is still feeling some
type of way about Nolwazi and the way
she singled me out. Tholi's ass is still
married to Kwanele. Kwanele is Liwa's
brother. Does he know though? Mdu
hates Kwanele. Niki won't be happy that I
invited a few of my varsity people (she
doesn't necessarily like them).
What the fuck was a bitch thinking?
I need holy water.
However, I still maintain, anyone who'll
try ruin this shit will most definitely catch
these hands!

INSERT 273
When Dean walks into the room, looking
all sexy and snatched, my heart races.
Dean: Ziyanda, you’re starting to freak me
out.
Haibo, I’m really throwing a surprise
wedding? Who the hell do I think I am?!
He walks to me and gives me a hug and I
cry all over again.
Yes, I’ve been crying since I got here.
Zimkitha even gave up on my ass and let
me be.
Dean: What’s making you nervous?
Me: Everything.
He sighs.
Dean: Do you see how good I look right
now? Your tears are fucking my outfit up.
I push him away and sit on the bed.
Dean: Where’s your makeup artist?
Me: I asked her to give me space.
Dean: Safa yi-space. Kanti why are you so
addicted to space? Now you’re even
chasing away makeup artists, because you
want space?
Me: Futsek! Futsek, Dean!
He chuckles.
Just then, the MUA walks in and smiles.
MUA: Ready, dear?
Dean: Don’t call her dear, she’ll kill you.
MUA: Babe?
Dean: Even worse.
MUA: Okay then… Ziyanda, are you ready?
Dean: Listen, I’m just trying to help you
out…
It is very clear that this artist is already
planning her own wedding with
Langelihle.
Dean: Will you be able to hide her puffy
eyes?
MUA: I know what I’m doing. She’ll look
amazing.
Dean: Good, because you won’t be paid
the rest of your money if I’m not satisfied
with your services.
MUA: Are you the groom?
Dean: Will that change anything?
Me: Dean!
He is grinning.
He likes messing with people. That’s why
no one likes his ass!
The poor MUA is now traumatised and
deeply in love.
Dean: I’m just joking. I’ll be back shortly
to check on you.
She smiles at him and he looks at me.
Dean: Wena, stop crying.
Me: Hmkay.
He walks out and closes the door. She
looks at me and smiles.
I feel so bad right now, because I
completely forgot her name, and now I
have no idea how I’m going to talk to her
without exposing my shadiness.
MUA: I see he’s married…
I nod.
MUA: He is really sexy. I don’t like he’s
attitude, but he’s really hot.
Me: I know.
She starts making small talk and I try not
to be rude. I just want silence. I want to
gather my thoughts, but I obviously can’t
tell this poor woman to shut up.
She takes out her brushes and products.
She’s also going to be doing my hair.
MUA: I’m glad you liked the looks I sent
you.
Me: They’re perfect.
I had sent her pictures of my dresses,
because she wanted to make sure the
makeup will go with everything.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time to
meet up with her in order for her to
experiment with my face, so she used one
of her people as a canvas and sent me
pictures of the looks.
As she’s applying primer, the door opens
and my mother walks in.
Mom: I can’t believe this is happening!
She is so excited!
Mom: Zizi, the place looks stunning!
Me: Right?
She smiles and looks at the MUA.
Me: This is my mother.
MUA: Hey, ma. I’m Kate.
Ahh, yes… Kate…
I legit saved her name as MUA. I got her
number from one of my varsity people.
Mom: It’s nice to meet you, love.
Kate: Will I do your makeup as well?
Mom: Just touch up, sweety. I sweat a lot
and it’s not like I need a lot of makeup.
Ngimuhle.
We laugh and continue chatting. I’m glad
she’s being her usual bubbly self right
now, because I need all the positivity the
world has to offer.
My phone rings.
Mom: It’s my son.
Me: Which one?
She giggles.
Mom: Derek.
She gives me the phone and I take a deep
breath before answering.
Me: Hey, Star.
Derek: Is everything ready?
Me: Not yet. I’ll tell you when you should
come.
Derek: I’m going to fall asleep.
Me: Then that’s a you problem, not a me
problem.
Derek: I’m not even in the mood for this,
Zi. Can’t I bunk this event?
Me: If you want to be alone for the rest of
your life, then don’t pitch.
He chuckles.
Derek: Alright, I’ll see you soon.
Me: Shap. Love you.
Derek: Love you too.
I end the call and sigh heavily.
Me: He’s getting restless.
Kate: Men are such babies!
Mom: Tell me about it!
Me: Hai, mama, that’s my father you’re
talking about.
Mom: Hmm, you don’t know him like I do!
I listen as she tells me about my dad’s
annoying tendencies.
Good distraction, this one.
***
It’s now around 11am, and I know that
people are here. I send Derek a text,
letting him know that he can come with
Little Star.
Kate helps me get into my first dress.
Kate: Bitch, this is a lewk!
I smile.
Shame, I do look good yazi- to think I was
looking like a hobo for months!
Hai, I have redeemed myself!
The colour combo for the wedding is gold,
peach and mint. It’s a subtle combination
that is not too bright and overwhelming- I
love pastels. We’re going to be outside,
and the greenery of this property goes
well with the colours.
I honestly don’t give a shit about the finer
details like spoons and table cloths.
Zimkitha and my mother handled all of
that. They handled the decor and table
settings and whatever.
All I care about is the experience… I need
everyone to leave this place feeling all
warm and fuzzy. I’m wearing a half sleeve
scoop neck tea-length tulle dress with 4
layers, because I’m not trying to look like
a blob of heavy material. My mom thought
lace would make it tacky, so we decided
to go with pearls for embellishment. Even
the pearls had to be carefully placed on
the dress, because my mom doesn’t want
me to look ridiculous. At least I’ll literally
be clutching my pearls should anything
bizzare occur. Because the dress is
already accessorised, my hair is not
dramatic. Kate managed to create a
fishtail braid with a low bun. I can’t stand
anything being around my neck or those
long earrings- I opted for simple
freshwater pearl earrings. Little Star
always pulls those long earrings anyway,
so I’ve had to stop buying them
altogether. I’m wearing very comfortable
nude ankle buckle strap block sandal
heels. Heels and grass don’t mix, so I’m
aiming for comfortability more than
anything.
So, yes… I look gorgeous.
But I’m shitting my pants!
Derek calls to let me know that he has
arrived. I tell him where I am.
Kate: Babe, you look drop dead gorgeous!
This dress is perfect for you.
Me: Thanks, Kate.
See, I made sure that the dress is not too
weddingy, but it still makes a statement. I
don’t want Derek to figure everything out
too quickly.
Kate: Calm down! There’s no way this
man is going to say no to marrying you!
I take deep breath.
Gosh, I want to poop.
Just then, we hear a knock on the door.
Kate: Come in!
Jesoooo!
As soon as I see him and how cute Little
Star looks in the mini version of my dress,
I cry.
I’m trying to keep it together, but my
emotions are too strong, and they’re
coming at me all at once.
Derek stands there in complete shock.
Ngapha I’m sobbing and Kate is
comforting me.
I don’t even know when he walked over
to us, but he’s now by my side.
Kate gives me some tissue and I wipe my
tears. I honestly can’t help it. I’m nervous,
stressed and excited.
Derek: Baby…
Yhu, I finally understand how Tholi feels.
Sometimes, the tears just take over and
you have no control over them.
Kate: I’ll give you some space…
She walks out and closes the door.
I decide to focus on Little Star, because if I
even look at Derek in the eye, I’ll start
crying again. I take her from him and kiss
her.
Liya: Mama! Mamama!
Me: Shit.
Derek: Language.
I take a deep breath and finally look at
him.
Derek: I’m speechless.
Me: You’re so used to me looking shady
that this is a shock for you.
He laughs lightly.
Derek: You’re beautiful, Ziyanda. You’re
always beautiful, but this? I wasn’t ready.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Clearly I haven’t been taking this
event seriously.
Me: I went all out.
Derek: I can see.
He smiles.
Derek: Shit, you look really good.
Me: Language!
He chuckles.
Derek: I’m turned on.
Me: No, now is not the time.
He sighs heavily.
Derek: Can I get a kiss?
Me: Derek, no!
He groans.
Derek: So, what’s the agenda?
Me: You’ll see…
Derek: You are so full of surprises.
Me: Yep…
I’m on the verge of tears!
Just then, my mother walks in with my
dad.
Mom: Rhaaa! Look at my babies!
Lol, my dad looks like he’s about to pass
out!
Mom: Anisebahle!
Derek: Ziyanda has left me speechless.
They share hugs.
Mom: Derek, baby, Dean is looking for you
downstairs.
Derek: Alright.
He takes Little Star and plants a kiss on
cheek.
We watch as he walks out and closes the
door.
Dad: Let’s sit.
We all sit on the edge of the bed. I’m in
between them. We sit in silence for a very
long time.
When I look at my dad, I see that he’s
crying. He wipes his tears, and of course I
instantly start crying as well. My mother
is also crying now.
We cry for a good five minutes without
saying anything to each other.
My dad takes a deep breath.
Dad: As strange as this whole thing is, I
couldn’t be happier right now. I’ve never
seen you this content, confident and
secure. Derek is the right man for you,
and I know you two will be just fine.
These tears!
Dad: All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be
happy, truly happy. I’ve seen you at your
lowest, and I’ve always prayed that God
gives you the strength and patience to
deal with the challenges you’re presented
with. I’m proud of the woman you’re
becoming. You still have a lot to learn, but
you’re on the right track. I love you, and I
am happy that you have finally found
someone who prioritises your happiness
and growth.
Yoh.
Mom: I’m not going to say much, because
you both know that once I start crying, I
never stop. All I want you to know, Zizi, is
that your father and I will always be there
for you. Don’t ever think our door is
closed. For you, the door is open 24/7. I
encourage you to continue working
towards becoming a good, kind, loving,
respectful and dedicated woman. Don’t
ever think there is a limit, there is no bar
when it comes to growth… You must
always aim to become a better version of
yourself.
Jesu.
They continue filling my cup with love
and positivity. As emotional as this is, I
am so grateful that they’re here.
Dad: Alright, let’s pray and freshen up.
Mom: Where’s that Kate of yours? My face
needs her!
I laugh.
***
My parents and I finally make our way
downstairs. The house is empty. People
are at the reception area. No one knows
that the backyard is where it's at.
I could use a shot of something strong
right now, but I’ll settle for water.
We make our way outside, and sure
enough, everyone is there.
I try to read the vibe. There’s excitement
in the air, but the tension is definitely
below the surface. It’s there, but no one is
acknowledging it.
Niki: Biiiiitch!
My varsity people are the only ones who
haven’t arrived. I invited four of them.
Even if they don’t come, I’ll be fine, really.
Oh… Jeff and Ziggy aren’t here as well. I’m
sure they’re high wherever they are.
I can’t see Kwanele as well.
Niki: You look amazinggg!
Me: You too!
Niki: Yaas, bitch, yaaas!
I’m so tempted to tell her what’s really
happening, but I can’t!
Me: Kwanele?
Niki: He’s on his way. He had to go see his
mother. The drama in our lives right now?
Me: We really need to catch up.
We take a few pictures and then I go to
the Serious Squad- Nolwazi and Nandi.
They just look like old money.
Nolwazi: Hey, Zi!
Nandi: Wow, you look wonderful!
I give them hugs and compliment them as
well.
Nolwazi: Geesh, one would swear you’re
getting married!
Nolwazi and her smart mouth.
Me: Oh no, you know me and my delaying
tactics.
Nandi: Heyi, don’t rush into things vele. It
gets hectic.
Of course it gets hectic when your man is
generous with his dick. If Derek ever pulls
such stunts, I will kill him.
But, let me not judge them. Nandi and
Malusi clearly love each other in their
own unique way.
I am pulled my Gabi and she takes me to
the champagne fountain.
Gabi: Zizi.
Me: Yes, Gabi?
Gabi: This is a surprise wedding, isn’t it?
I look at her in shock.
Gabi: I knew-
Me: Shh!
Gabi: *whispering* I knew it!
Me: How the hell did you figure it out?
She grins.
Me: Just zip it, okay?
She giggles.
Gabi: My lips are sealed.
She takes some champagne and I leave
her there. She has no idea that she has
just ignited my anxiety!
Right on time, Dean walks to me and
wraps his arm around my shoulders.
Dean: Breathe.
Me: Gabi knows!
Dean: Knows what?
Me: About the wedding!
Dean: Of course she does… She’s been
married too many times.
I groan.
Dean: Relax, we are all here now. Things
will go smoothly.
I nod and sigh deeply.
Just then, one of the security guys walk to
Dean and I.
Security: We have a dilemma.
Me: What? What’s wrong?
Security: There’s a man who’s refusing to
leave there by the gate.
Me: Huh?
Zweli.
I’m going to kill him!
Dean is already walking away and I have
to speed-walk just to catch up.
When we get to the gate, this man is
standing there, dressed casually. He looks
like le-type yaboDerek.
Okay, it’s not Zweli.
Dean: And then?
Him: I came to stop this wedding.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: It can’t happen.
Dean: And who the fuck are you?
Him: Nandi cannot get married to that son
of a bitch again.
Dean and I look at each other in
confusion.
Him: You have to let me in.
Me: Sorry, who are you?
Him: Sifiso…
Dean: Who told you that Nandi is getting
married?
He shrugs.
Him: I need to-
Me: Hey! Hey! Futsek! This is not Nandi’s
wedding!
He looks at me in shock.
Me: No one is getting married here, and
this is my event. Go home!
Him: Oh-
Me: Hamba bhuti. I have no idea who
you’re are, but this is my event. Hamba,
hamba, hamba!
He looks at me sheepishly.
Dean: Just leave. This is not Nandi’s event.
He sighs heavily and nods.
Sfiso: I apologise.
Me: Bye bye.
We watch as he gets in his car and drives
off.
This is exactly why I insisted on having
security, as bougie as it sounds... I don’t
want random people popping up!
Nandi needs to check her side niggas!
Today is not the day!

INSERT 274 (Unedited)

As soon as I see Jeff and Ziggy, I lose it! My
shady weed-smoking friends have
arrived!
Jeff: Zi Monster…
Ziggy: This setup is too bougie for me.
Me: Shut up, and give me hugs!
I squeeze them one at a time…
Me: Where’s Luyanda?
Jeff: I didn’t tell her about this event. I
know you two don’t get along.
Me: Aww, how thoughtful of you.
Jeff: Besides, she’s still dealing with her
daddy issues.
Me: Argh, I’ve missed you two!
Ziggy: Is champagne the only thing on the
menu?
Me: No, you can get something else at the
bar.
Ziggy: Alright. Mate, should I get you
something?
Jeff nods and Ziggy walks away.
Jeff: You look gorgeous.
Me: Argh, I’ve missed your slow self.
He chuckles cooly.
The weed he has been smoking for all
these years has made him speak very
softly and slowly. He is the chillest person
I know. I think he’s high 24/7.
Me: You’ve stopped being an escort, right?
Jeff: Zi, come on, you always ask me this
question.
Me: Jeff, you’re too unpredictable. I need
to be sure that you’ve stopped doing
crazy things.
He smiles.
Jeff: I’m not into that shit anymore…
Luyanda would leave me…
Me: Has she recovered from her kidnap
trauma?
Jeff and Ziggy’s life is a movie. The stories
I have heard are completely bizarre.
Jeff: She’s made lots of progress.
As we’re chatting, I feel Derek’s presence
behind me. He wraps his arm around my
waist.
Lol, he has never liked Jeff. I think he’s
jealous of how much I adore him. He
always gets touchy feely when I’m with
Jeff.
Jeff: Ah… Derek, how are you, mate?
Derek looks at Jeff blankly.
Derek: Good and you?
Jeff: I’m great, thanks… You two look
amazing… When are you tying the knot?
Argh.
I’m thankful to see Ziggy walking back to
us.
Ziggy: Derek, how are you doing?
Derek: Good and you?
Ziggy: I’m good, mate…
He gives Jeff his drink.
Derek looks at me.
Derek: A word?
Me: Sure.
I look at Jeff and Ziggy.
Me: No smoking today.
Ziggy: How do you expect us to stay
sober? I’ve just seen that dude that tried
intimidating me a while back.
Me: Which one?
Ziggy: The one that looks like Derek.
Me: He tried intimidating you?
Ziggy: I’ll tell you all about it…
I chuckle and walk away with Derek.
Me: Is everything okay?
I look at him knowingly and he grunts.
Derek: I miss you. You’ve been running
away from me.
Me: No, I haven’t.
We go inside the house and he wraps his
arms around me once we’re in the
kitchen.
Me: Are you okay?
He nods.
Derek: Are you okay?
I nod.
Derek: People can’t stop complimenting
you.
Me: It’s insulting, really. Am I that basic
that as soon as I wear a cute dress, people
are blown away?
Well… This year hasn’t really been the
best. My appearance has been the least of
my worries. I mean, at least now I know
that Derek really loves me.
Derek: You need to stop bad mouthing
yourself. You’re beautiful.
Me: Hmkay.
We share a kiss.
Me: Let’s go back outside before you get
the wrong idea.
Derek: I’m just trying to hit.
Me: Euuw, don’t ever say that! That is not
your lingo! He laughs.
Derek: Angithi that’s how your high
friends speak, mate.
Me: Argh, Derek!
I take his hand and we walk out again.
Liwa: Ziyanda Dlamini! Ziyanda Dlamini!
Me: Liwa Mzinyathi!
We share a warm hug.
Nomvuyo eyes me suspiciously as I give
her a hug. I don’t even want to give her
the opportunity to say anything.
Nomvuyo: Baby, umuhle kanjani.
Me: Thank you, bestie boo.
We walk to the reception and the vibe is
still a little tense.
Just then, Kwanele emerges and I swear
we all turn to look at him.
I immediately look over at Dean and his
face says it all. Nolwazi is already holding
his hand.
Niki gives him a hug.
Tholi’s face is red red red.
Mdu is also tense.
What a joke!
I walk to Kwanele
Me: Kwani!
Kwanele: Hey, Zi.
We share a hug. I’m happy to see him- it’s
been a while.
Niki: Whew, chile, look at all these
pressedt people!
Me: They’re not looking anymore.
Niki: Your people are the most
judgemental bunch I’ve ever come across.
One of these days, we need to dissect how
they think they shit carrot cake.
Me: Come on, Niki.
Niki: Hai, sithule siyabuka…
Me: Anyway, how have you been,
Kwanele?
Kwanele: I’ve been good, Zizi. A lot has
been happening, but I’m surviving.
Me: You two look all glowed up! These
baecations you’ve been taking clearly
have a good effect.
Kwanele: Travelling has been the
highlight of our year.
I nod and smile. They’re cute. At this
point, I hope no one will come for
Kwanele, because baybeee, Niki will
personally address them!
When I turn around, Zimkitha and Bheki
are walking towards us.
Bheki: Kwanele…
They share a hug.
Kwanele: Thenjiwe wanted to see me.
I glance at Zimkitha and I can’t read her.
Bheki: We’ll talk about that another time.
Kwanele shrugs and looks at Zimkitha.
Kwanele: I guess you two are out in the
open now?
Zimkitha smiles sweetly.
Zimkitha: It’s been rough, but we’re good.
They share a hug.
Zimkitha: Have you seen Liwa?
Kwanele: Not at all.
Oh, so he knows?
Me: You know?
Gosh, here goes my big ass mouth.
Kwanele: That we’re related?
I nod.
Zimkitha: We told him.
Me: Ah, interesting…
Just then, Liwa and Nomvuyo walk to us
and Liwa is all excited to see Kwanele.
Okay.
But then again, Liwa is really a ball of love
and energy. I think it takes a lot to truly
upset him. The only way to get him upset
is if you come for Zimkitha or Nomvuyo.
We have all seen how he gets when these
two are endangered in anyway. Generally,
from my observations, people who are
extremely happy have some hidden
craziness that only erupts once in a blue
moon.
Liwa: What a grand entrance…
Kwanele chuckles.
Kwanele: I’m glad that everyone is so
excited to see me.
Liwa laughs.
While they chat happily, I walk away. I
mean, they make a cute family, but I hope
this doesn’t mean they’re going to
abandon this side of the town. Nomvuyo
seems more excited that side. I’m sure it’s
because of her little connection with Niki.
I think I’m jealous.
I walk to the other side, where the rest of
the crew is.
Argh, they are so sour.
Yazi I feel like I’m in the middle of all of
this, trying to make sure everyone is okay
and that they get along.
Me: Hey, guys.
Nolwazi: Hey. I look at Dean.
Me: You okay, buddy?
Dean Why wouldn’t I be?
Lord, I’m not interacting with him when
he’s like this. He’ll kill my vibe.
Me: Tholi?
Tholi: I’m fine.
I don’t even bother with Mdu, because I
know he’ll tell me the truth.
Me: Dean, a word?
Nolwazi lets go of his hand and we walk
away from everyone.
Me: You need to get it the fuck together.
He doesn’t say anything.
Me: You’re ruining my mood!
He sighs.
Dean: I’m sorry.
Me: Why are you even bothered by
Kwanele? He literally didn’t do anything
to you!
Dean: I’m still dealing with the
consequences of his bullshit.
Yoh.
He takes a deep breath.
Dean: But, I’ll try to coexist.
Me: Good.
Dean: I’m sorry.
Me: Okay, now brighten up and stop being
sulky. You know that you and Derek are
too close to my heart. Your moods affect
me.
Dean: Okay, I’ll brighten up.
Me: Thank you.
We share a hug.
Dean: Are you ready to start?
I nod.
We walk back to the reception area and
Dean gives me the mic.
Me: If you can hear me, clap twice.
A few of them clap twice.
The claps wake them up.
Me: If you can hear me clap once.
Most of them clap once.
Me: Who lives in a pineapple under the
sea?
Everyone: Spongebob Squarepants!
Thank God they all understand the
teacher in me. They’re all used to these
strange attention signals.
Me: Good afternoon, everyone.
They greet back.
I see Andile and Phumi walking towards
us.
Hehe, so this is really a thing??
Me: Thank you for coming to this event.
You are all here, because I care about you.
I question why I love some of you, but it is
what it is.
I hear chuckles.
Me: I hope you’re well.
I sigh.
Me: Alright, we are all grown, and I think
it’s important for us to acknowledge the
tension here.
I smile.
Me: I have the perfect way to get all of you
to loosen up… Can you all follow the guy
on my right. He will lead you to our first
activity.
If they want to act like kids, best believe
I’m going to treat them like kids.
I watch as they all walk to the other half
of the yard. Zimkitha’s property is quite
spacious, and I’m taking advantage of all
this space.
When we get there, we find a few tables
set up.
Me: Alright, so this is what we’re going to
do…
They look nervous.
They know I’m up to know good.
Me: We’re going to play 30 Seconds!
They all look at me weirdly.
Me: You have all been divided into teams.
Each table has a set of names, and it’s
your responsibility to find your name and
wait for my next instruction.
I hear murmurs.
Me: Go on then!
They hesitate, but end up walking around,
looking for their names.
It takes them ten minutes to find their
names.
I look around and smile.
Table 1: -Dean -Nolwazi -Kwanele -Niki -
Tholi -Mdu -Liwa -Nomvuyo
Table 2: -My mom -My dad -Zimkitha -
Bheki -Thandeka -Dumakude
Table 4: -Andile -Phumi -Derek -Me -Jeff -
Ziggy
Table 5: -Nandi -Malusi -Gabi -Joe
Table 6: -Lwazi -Nyami
Me: Alight, now that we’re sorted, we can
start.
I walk around before I go to my table. I
check on Lwazi and Nyami first. They
have the kiddies version of the game.
They’ve played it before, so I know
they’re good.
I walk to the elders’ table and find them
having more fun than everyone else. They
are laughing happily at the stupid things
they blurt out when giving clues.
Thandeka is the panicker- she starts
shouting and speaking fast when she
realises that she’s running out of time. My
dad is obviously the calm one, who gives
precise clues. My mom is just like me-
competitive and aggressive. Dumakude is
surprisingly the funny one who gives
ridiculous clues. Zimkitha is the giggler-
she laughs as soon as she takes out a card.
Bheki is the one who just doesn’t get the
game. He takes his time explaining one
thing and then my mom checks him. They
are having too much fun.
I walk to Derek’s table.
I placed him here on purpose. I want him
to open himself up and get to know my
people. He refuses to see them as cool
people, so I’m hoping this activity will
enable him to loosen up. When I get there,
I find them having fun.
I’m shocked that Derek is chuckling and
smiling.
Phumi is the dramatic one, shouting at
Jeff, who is giving out clues like a snail. Of
course Derek is the one giving the most
precise clues- I’m with a smart man, who
can articulate himself. Ziggy is evidently
high and unbothered. Andile is also
another one who is articulating himself
well. I’m just glad they’re okay. I’ll join
them once I have checked on the last
table- the hectic section.
I walk to Malusi’s table, and they’re
laughing and having fun. You can tell that
they have a stronger connection with
each other. There are no problems with
them.
I walk to THE table.
Of course there’s tension.
They are actually the root of all the
tension.
Me: Okay, clearly you’re choosing to
behave like children.
I look at them angrily.
Me: Dean, Kwanele, Liwa and Mdu you’re
in one team. Nolwazi, Niki, Vuvu and
Tholi, you’re in the same team.
They stand in their teams and I give the
guys a card.
Me: Dean, go first. Your time starts now.
I look at him seriously. He promised that
he’d be a team player, but now he’s being
weird. If he gets his act together, then
people will get along.
He stares at me and then nods.
Dean: Alright, I don’t like losing, so you all
need to make it snappy.
Liwa: You better not fuck it up.
They chuckle.
Okay, this is good.
I stand there for a few minutes. Once I’m
satisfied, I walk back to my table and join
them.
***
In 20 minutes, every table is filled with
cheers, laughs and shouting.
We’re slowly getting there.
I’m a teacher. I’m not afraid of tense or
awkward moments. This is exactly how I
deal with my kids when they’ve having
conflicts or when it’s the first day of
school and everyone is all tense and quiet.
I take the mic.
Me: Badabababa…
Everyone: I’m lovin it!
Me: Yaaas!
I can feel the tension melting away.
Me: Alright, please pack away the game.
I’m giving you 2 minutes.
They do as they’re told.
Me: Excellent. Now, please check under
your tables, and you will find a box. Please
place the box on your table.
They do as they’re told.
Me: Good. Now, each box has packs of
spaghetti and marshmallows… Please
give me a thumbs up if your box has these
things.
I see those thumbs.
Me: Thank you. You are such great
listeners.
They chuckle.
Me: You will be working in teams. Each
table is a team. You will work together to
build a tower using the spaghetti and
marshmallows. The aim is to build the
tallest and most stable tower. If your
team’s tower is the tallest and it stays put
for over a minute, then you’re the
winners! You have to work together!
Liwa: Are you timing us?
Me: Yep, you have 10 minutes.
Zimkitha: Are you also taking part?
Me: Yes.
Nomvuyo: That’s not fair. I’m sure you
know how to build a tall tower.
Me: No-
Niki: Vele she shouldn’t play.
Derek: It’s hilarious that you assume we
can’t do it without Ziyanda.
Liwa: We’ll beat you.
Derek: Alright, then, we’ll see…
Dean: Can we start?
Thandeka: Savelelwa.
The competitiveness is hilarious.
Me: Okay. Your ten minutes starts now.
Just like that, everyone starts…
I go to Dean’s table first.
There are too many strong personalities
here.
Dean, Liwa and Mdu are already doing the
most.
Kwanele: Can I make a suggestion?
They all keep quiet and look at him.
Kwanele: While it’s great that you all
know each other, let’s take into
consideration that we have never worked
together collectively. How about we first
discuss how we want to approach this
instead of rushing into it?
Yaaas! He must tell these erratic idiots to
check themselves!
I walk away and hope they figure it out.
I go to the oldies, and boy are they chilled.
Me: What’s your plan?
Thandeka: We are taking our time.
Me: I can see…
I walk away and go to Lwazi and Nyami.
Me: What are you guys doing?
Lwazi: Well, before you do anything, you
always have to plan.
Nyami: There’s no use rushing into
something if you don’t have a vision.
Lorrrd!
Them educated kids!
Lwazi: The plan is to create a strong
foundation first and then we will build on
the length.
Me: Alright then, let me leave you to it!
I walk to Derek’s table.
They’ve started building.
Me: Did you guys-
Derek: Not now, baby.
Me: Okay, civil engineer.
I continue walking around…
It’s safe to say everyone is now working
as a team.
Dean’s table is the only exception. They’re
all too stubborn. The women ended up
building their own tower, because they
got sick of the guys butting heads.
Once there’s 5 minutes left, I let them
know and they continue working hard…
***
Me: Alright, let’s see…
Out of nowhere, the one built by aboDean
collapses.
Everyone laughs at them. I don’t think
this will make Dean feel better.
Mom: You were not working as a team!
Everyone continues laughing at them.
I go to the elders’ table.
Me: Alright, so obviously yours doesn’t
make the cut.
Shame, it’s the lowest.
Dumakude: When you get to our age, you
don’t stress about unnecessary things.
We all laugh.
Their tower is the neatest. It looks well-
put together.
Zimkitha: Quality over quantity!
Me: Yaas!
We continue laughing.
Me: So, we’re left with Nolwa-
It suddenly collapses.
Niki: Hai man! Of course it’s going to
collapse, because you talk too much!
Me: Don’t be a sore loser.
They sigh in defeat.
Just then, Malusi’s team yells, as their
tower collapses.
Gabi: Argh, this is so frustrating!
We laugh at them.
Me: Haa… Lookie here, we’re left with two
towers…
Nyami and Lwazi carefully lift their tower
and place it on Derek’s table.
Everyone gathers around the table.
Nolwazi: They’re the same height.
Me: Now we have to see which one can
last longer.
Nyami: No worries, ours will not fall
apart.
Liwa: That’s my baby. Tell them!
Dean: Your stupid ass couldn’t even build
one yourself, so don’t ride on Nyami’s
shine.
Nomvuyo: Heyi! She is our daughter!
Niki: Haike sizwile.
Mom: Thina we are represented on both
teams! Nkanyi is representing us this side,
and Lwazi is also representing us. We are
covered either way!
Of course Derek and Andile’s team would
have a solid tower. These two work really
well together. Phumi was the one who
kept Jeff and Ziggy in line, because they
were the naughty boys who didn’t take
anything seriously.
I’m not trying to brag or anything, but
Derek’s brain does the things. I’m finally
with a man that attempts to meet my
intellectual greatness… Lol, I kid, I kid…
I start timing them.
After two minutes, both towers remain
victorious.
Lwazi and Nyami give each other hugs.
I’m so proud of them!
Lwazi: The key to success is teamwork!
Nyami: Together Everyone Achieves
More!
We all laugh as we’re being schooled by
kids.
Derek: Liwa, what were you saying,
again?
Liwa: Argh, don’t rub it in.
Derek: You all forget that I’m the smartest
here.
Me: Tell them!
Nomvuyo: I don’t like arrogant men.
Derek: And I don’t like dumb women.
Yhuuuu!
Me: Okay! Okay!
Nomvuyo: Ngizokuthola, Nkanyezi.
Derek smiles and gives her a hug.
Had Dean said that, Vuvu would be on
him. She obviously gets along with Derek
more.
Me: Alright then, thank you for taking part
in these activities. I think it’s safe to say
we’re all open and less tense?
They all agree.
I look at them.
They’re no longer standing in little
cliques. Dean is even standing next to
Kwanele. Niki is with Nolwazi. Nomvuyo
is next to her daughter- the bitch really
isn’t about that life.
Derek’s arm is even around Zimkitha’s
shoulders. Progress!
I’m less anxious now, because the vibe is
more chilled.
Me: Alright, let’s have some drinks and
then we’ll move on to our next
adventure…
Everyone walks to the reception.
Nolwazi walks to me.
Nolwazi: You are really special, Zizi.
I smile.
Nolwazi: I feel so stupid for even
assuming otherwise… You’re so selfless,
and you really prioritise everyone’s
happiness.
Me: You finally realise that I’m not a bad
person?
She laughs.
Nolwazi: This was amazing. Good job, Zi.
We share a hug and make our way to the
reception.
Phumi: Zi!
We share a hug.
Phumi: I didn’t even get to say hi
properly.
Me: How are you?
Phumi: I’m great, and you? You look
gorgeous! You must give me the
designer’s contact details.
Me: I’m also great. Thank you, boo, I’ll
give Andile the number.
She laughs.
Phumi: Aren’t you going to ask how things
are going?
Me: Angithi you guys said I must stay out
of your business.
Just then, Andile walks to us and we share
a hug.
Me: Andi, what’s happening? I don’t like
being out of the loop.
Andile: None of your business.
Me: Arghh!
I push him away and walk to Derek.
Me: You okay?
He gives me a kiss and smiles.
Derek: You are something else.
I smile.
***
A man walks to us and clears his throat.
No one knows him, but I do…
He’s a friend of mine from varsity, Linda.
He is an excellent public speaker and I’ve
asked him to play a very important role
today. We all look at him and he smiles
warmly.
Linda: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is
Linda, and I am going to take over from
Ziyanda…
People are confused.
Linda: Alright, before we begin our very
exciting journey, please ensure you that
your drinks are refilled, because we will
not come back this side.
Gabi and Nolwazi go straight to the
champagne fountain.
After a few minutes, we’re all waiting for
the next instructions.
Linda: Thank you… Now, please follow
me…
We all follow him while chatting and
laughing.
He leads us to what looks like a
guesthouse.
As soon as we walk in, everyone exclaims.
Dean and I look at each other briefly and
he winks.
Nandi: Wait a minute…
Gabi: What’s happening?
Everyone looks around in shock.
Linda: I would like to welcome you to our
very own museum… The Love House…
Nolwazi: Dean, look!
Nolwazi exclaims as she looks at a huge
painting of herself. She’s in hospital,
giving birth to the twins, and Dean is right
next to her, holding her hand…
The painting looks real.
Gabi: Joee, come see!
Lol, Joe laughs as he looks at the huge
photograph of Gabi in very sexy lingerie…
Even I am turned on by the photograph.
Gabi: Remember this photo? This is the
first photo I sent to you!
Dumakude: Is that us? There’s also a
gigantic black and white photograph of
their wedding, just after they have been
announced husband and wife and they
are kissing. They are so young!
Linda: Alright! Let’s not get carried
away… We will go through every piece
together… For now, I need your attention.
People were already exploring the space.
They gather around Linda, beaming.
Linda: Today, we’re celebrating love. Raw,
challenging and unconditional love…
Linda definitely has that thing, because
now the mood has changed. As much as
everyone is excited, they’re now
concentrating on every word that is
coming out of his mouth…
There’s silence.
Linda: Let’s take a walk down memory
lane together…
With that said, he turns and walks, and
like little kids, we follow him quietly…
Now my anxiety is creeping back in!
Derek is holding my hand.
Chile, my heart is racing!

INSERT 275 (Unedited)

Derek: Ziyanda.
Me: Shh.
I look at him and smile.
The tears are now very close to rolling
down my eyes, but I’m keeping it
together.
I’m suddenly so overwhelmed.
Linda: Alright, here’s our first stop.
Of course my mom is already sobbing. It’s
a black and white photo of her with my
dad. All these photos are huge. I’m not
even exaggerating. We managed to print
life-size photos just to give it that
museum feeling.
Zimkitha is the one who worked on the
photos.
Linda: Here, we have the Dlamini family:
Nonhle Sandra Dlamini and Patrick
Dlamini. They have two children, Lwazi
and Ziyanda Dlamini.
Lwazi is holding my hand and smiling
brightly. She’s a Dlamini now. We just
need to sort things out legally.
Dad: I remember this moment like it was
yesterday.
Now we’re all looking at him as he smiles
and reminisces.
Dad: We had been in a relationship for a
week, and your mother was in a bad
mood that day. I had asked to take her out
to the cinema, and she flat out told me
that she was not into that type of stuff,
instead she wanted a picnic… I had no
money to organise a picnic. We were at a
friend’s house when she basically
snapped at me for not listening to her.
Yhu, my mother was crazy mos.
Dad: I had no idea how I was going to get
her to lighten up. A friend of mine loved
taking photographs, in fact he worked for
a popular magazine at the time as a
fashion photographer. He was there with
us that day, so I asked him to take a few
photos of us… As soon as he started
snapping, your mother’s mood switched.
As you can see from the photo, she was
quite the poser.
We all laugh as we look at the photo. My
parents are standing by a gate. My dad is
sitting on a rock, while my mom is on his
left, with one hand on her waist and the
other touching my dad’s shoulder.
Dad: She was always dressed like she was
on a runway.
Mom: I loved fashion.
It’s such a cute captured moment, and
now that I know the story behind it, my
heart is melting.
My dad looks at my mom warmly.
Dad: You’ve always been my best friend.
Mom: Your crazy best friend.
Dad: I’m glad you said it.
We laugh once again.
Linda: What have you learnt from your
long lasting relationship?
My dad sighs.
Dad: Well, one thing I have learnt from
my marriage is that when it comes to
choosing your life partner, you should
never compromise. It’s important to set
out your expectations and needs in the
beginning stages. Discuss both your
expectations, and if there’s a clash, then
walk away. Too many times, we settle for
people who are not as invested- hoping
that one day they will realise how great
we are… Unfortunately, that rarely
happens. If your partner is not
reciprocating your efforts then you must
leave. Don’t compromise.
We have a moment of silence as we
process what he has said.
Mom: What I have learnt is that kindness
should always be the main trait we look
for in relationships. Knowing that you’re
with someone who treats you tenderly
makes you sleep better at night. If your
relationship is filled with kindness, it
means you both consider each other’s
feelings, you’re generous and there’s just
a gentle aura covering both of you.
We have another moment of silence.
Linda: Thank you… That was really
heartfelt.
My parents nod.
Linda begins walking and we follow him.
Linda: Our next stop…
Dumakude chuckles and we all look at
him.
Dumakude: The best day of my life.
Aww.
Linda: The Dumakude family… Vusumuzi
Dumakude and Thandeka Dumakude. The
parents of Nolwazi Camilla Dumakude-
Hlongwane, Mduduzi Benjamin
Dumakude and Nomzamo Ivy Dumakude.
I try not to roll my eyes.
Thandeka: Our wedding day… Definitely
one of the highlights of my life.
Dumakude: Thandeka was never the
usual conservative wife… My parents
resented her at first. She insisted on
getting her first degree before marrying
me. I loved her spunk… I still love it, even
though she drives me insane most of the
time.
We chuckle.
Linda: What have you learnt from your
relationship?
Thandeka: I could have easily changed
who I am just to please Vusi’s family. They
wanted a subservient woman, but I wasn’t
that woman. My parents taught me to
always stand up for myself. I went to
school because I wanted to empower
myself. I could have easily disregarded all
of that just to fit in and live “comfortably”
in the box allocated to me. However,
going back to what Zi’s father said, I didn’t
compromise. I stayed true to myself, and
Vusi loved me. He didn't try to change me.
I made it clear that if he wasn't going to
help me grow into a better person, then I
would leave. But he accepted me. He has
been my best friend ever since… His
parents even ended up accepting me... So
what I have learnt is that it is important to
stay true to yourself. A relationship is
great if the person helps you become a
better version of yourself. If they are
pushing back your growth, then they are
not the one.
Moment of silence.
Dumakude: What I have learnt is that it’s
okay to unlearn all the things we have
been taught by society. You and your life
partner have every right to do what
works for the two of you, not what works
for the rest of the world, or what works
for only you and not your partner. It’s a
union, therefore you’re constantly
learning and unlearning things just to get
to a better place.
Whew, chile! A bitch needs a notebook for
all these lessons!
We follow Linda to the most controversial
photo of them all!
None of us have ever seen it!
Zimkitha and Bheki!
They look like they are 16 years old.
Zimkitha is the cutest. They’re wearing
school uniform, and it looks like they’re in
a field somewhere.
There’s a long silence.
Lol, Linda is so good at this. It’s like he
knows that this photo is igniting strong
feelings, and he wants them to simmer.
Linda: Bhekumuzi Buthelezi and Zimkitha
Mzinyathi…
He looks at all of us intensely.
Liwa: Father of Kwanele and Lindiwe
Buthelezi… Silence.
Linda: Mother of Princess Mzinyathi, Liwa
Mzinyathi, Derek Mzinyathi, Dean
Mzinyathi… and Nomvuyo Mzinyathi.
Yoh, he’s even using the wrong surnames.
Tense.
Now we’re all looking at Zimi and Bheki.
Zimkitha sighs heavily.
She’s obviously trying to keep it together.
I don’t like seeing her like this.
Zimkitha: I’ve faced many challenges in
my life, but not being able to love Bheki
openly has been the worst… I’d rather not
discuss our journey, because I’m still in
the process of unpacking my traumatic
experiences… All I want you to know is
that Bheki has always been the love of my
life, and that he has supported me from
the beginning, even when we couldn’t be
together… Knowing that I might have a
future with him was one of the things that
kept me going even when I wanted to give
up.
She smiles and looks at us.
Zimkitha: Love truly heals. That’s what I
have learnt. The only thing that has kept
me going for all these years is love. I had
love for my children from the moment
they were born, whether they know it or
not. I had love for Bheki, even though we
couldn’t be together… Love has truly kept
me alive.
She slips her arm under Bheki’s arm and
sighs.
How cute.
Linda: Bab’Bheki?
Bheki sighs.
Bheki: Love really is patient. Zimkitha and
I are only building a proper relationship
now in our late 50s, yet our love is still
authentic. We lived apart, built lives for
ourselves, yet our love patiently waited
for us to be reunited again…
We are silent once again.
We follow Linda.
Everyone is shocked now. There it is, a
picture of Nolwazi and Kwanele…
Nolwazi is sitting on Kwanele’s lap and
they are laughing. Lord, the joy in their
eyes?
There’s an awkward silence.
I glance at Nolwazi.
She is staring at the picture intensely.
Dean is tightening his jaw. I didn't tell him
about this. He didn’t know that this would
be added.
Linda: Kwanele Buthelezi and Nolwazi
Buthelezi…
Yoh, Linda. I told him not to refer to her
as a Buthelezi.
Nolwazi: Wow, I’ve never seen this
photo…
She continues staring at it and then looks
at Kwanele.
Nolwazi: Do you know it?
Kwanele nods.
My heart is fuzzy all of a sudden. I've
never really witness them close and
personal.
Nolwazi smiles.
Nolwazi: Well, it’s no secret that Kwanele
and I were married…
She sighs.
Nolwazi: I will not lie and say my love for
you was insincere. You know we shared
something special.
Kwanele doesn’t respond.
I hope Niki won’t hate me for this. It had
to be done.
Nolwazi: However, you couldn’t love me
fully, because of other factors…
Tholi looks like she wants to run away.
Nolwazi: You weren’t ready… and it hurt.
It hurt like shit to not have you in my
corner when I needed you the most.
She sighs.
Nolwazi: However, looking back, all of
that had to happen for you to open your
eyes and take charge of your life. It’s
unfortunate that a beautiful love story
had to end, but look at you now… You and
I both know where you come from, and
we’ve had many discussions about our
union. We’ve both healed from the hurt…
You have become a new person, and I’m
grateful that being at your lowest made
you realise that things needed to change…
There’s silence.
Kwanele clears his throat lightly.
Kwanele: Losing you wasn’t easy, but I
had to deal with it. Thanks to the fall of
our marriage, I’ve become the man that I
am today. I still have regrets, because my
intention was never to hurt you, but I’m
finally beginning to forgive myself. I
refuse to spend the rest of my life
mourning our marriage. I’m in a better
place now and my heart has recovered…
Nolwazi nods and smiles lightly.
Linda: What have you learnt?
Kwanele: It is possible to recover from
tragedy. I thought my life was over after
my divorce, but here I am now, living a
great life. Healing is a messy process, but
I’m on the right track. I've learnt that it's
important to forgive myself. We make
mistakes, we hurt people, we mess up…
but if we acknowledge the mess we’ve
caused, and learn from it, then we have
every right to move on from it.
Aww, man!
Nolwazi: I have learnt the exact thing.
Forgiving yourself is crucial…
Moment of silence.
We then move on.
Kwanele and Tholi.
Kwanele mentions that his relationship
with Tholi taught him the true meaning of
trauma. He says being with her made him
realise that he is also wounded. Tholi
taught him patience and kindness. He had
nothing but good things to say about her.
When it was Tholi’s turn to speak, I’m
sure we waited a good five minutes.
She finally clears her throat.
Tholi: Kwanele was the first man to show
me love and kindness. Even though his
marriage with Nolwazi was falling apart,
he was always kind to me. He didn’t push
me to do anything I was uncomfortable
with, instead he would give me my space.
He opened up my heart to some extent.
He took me in, took care of me and my
brother, and didn’t expect anything in
return. Till this day, I will never bad
mouth him.
She looks at him.
Tholi: You were at your lowest, and I
didn’t support you. I regret how I walked
away from what we had. It was highly
unfair, because you were faced with too
many challenges at once. You deserved a
proper conversation. You deserved a
proper goodbye, and I regret allowing my
selfishness to make me forget how good
you were to me…
Kwanele nods lightly.
Tholi: Thank you for letting go of me.
She stares at him.
Tholi: I’m working on myself right now,
and it’s really all because of you. If it
weren’t for you accepting me, I would still
be living with my abusive aunt. You
protected me from her. I wouldn’t have
met all these amazing people had it not
been for you. Thank you, Kwanele.
How sweet, man!
Linda: Thank you…
We follow him.
Lol, Gabi killed me.
We got to her lingerie photograph and
they explained the context of the photo.
Linda: What have you learnt?
Gabi: I’ve learnt that I have the capability
of killing anyone that would take my Joey
from me.
We all laugh.
Gabi: He’s my everything, that’s why we
ended up getting married again. I love this
man.
Joe: I love you too, baby.
They share a kiss and we clap and laugh.
Nandi obviously spoke about forgiveness.
I may have zoned out when Malusi spoke.
I have a tendency to not listen to cheaters’
excuses. He needs to show Nandi that he’s
going to change instead of using
bombastic words to try and impress us.
I wasn’t impressed, shame.
We get to the hottest love affair. The ones
with the richest history, chile.
Linda: Nomvuyo and Liwa Mzinyathi…
They are already staring at each other.
Liwa: I don’t think any of you, even
Zimkitha herself, understand the depth of
my love for this one… She’s my Day 1.
Zimkitha: I still remember the day the
truth came out. Jennifer threw a vase at
Vuvu and it hit her head. She passed out
instantly.
Nomvuyo grunts.
Zimkitha: But she got her revenge, of
course. Nomvuyo is such a bullfighter.
We all chuckle.
Liwa: I almost lost you… There was a time
when we were distant… Building a life
with Jennifer was torturous. You were
also on the run, and we had no idea where
you were. You really put us through the
most kodwa Nomvuyo.
Zimkitha: She really did.
Liwa: But, we finally got the courage to
stop lying to ourselves and everyone else.
He smiles.
Liwa: My best friend and partner in
crime… There’s no one like you. I have no
desire whatsoever to replace you. I could
spend every second of the day with only
you and I’d be just fine.
Nyami: Daddy, don’t lie.
Zimkitha: Haibo, tell him, Nyami.
We laugh.
Liwa: Hmkay, I’m lying. Zimkitha you’re
also included. Zimkitha smiles.
They are really obsessed with each other.
Linda: What have you learnt?
Nomvuyo: Love has no boundaries.
Zimkitha is not even my biological
mother, but there isn’t a part of me that
feels like we’re not related. Our love for
each other is that strong…
She looks at Liwa and smiles.
Nomvuyo: Your partner needs to be your
best friend. You genuinely need to enjoy
each other’s company, even the silent
moments should be enjoyable. Their
presence must excite you, rejuvenate you,
heal you…
Liwa plants a kiss on her forehead.
Me: Awww!
I thought I said that in my head.
Linda walks and we follow him.
Finally!
Dean and Nolwazi!
That painting of them is the one.
Nolwazi: My Dean!
She smiles warmly.
Okay then, so she’s not even going to wait
for Linda to introduce them?
Nolwazi: Langelihle, the love of my life.
Dean doesn’t look okay yazi.
Nolwazi: You have taught me how to love
again. I was definitely confused and all
over the place- I still am- but you opened
up my heart and became a permanent
resident.
She smiles.
Linda: Thank you for that, Nolwazi. Lol,
he’s so spicy.
Linda: Dean?
Dean: It’s no secret that I hate Kwanele.
Yoh.
We all look at him in shock.
Dean: For years, I couldn’t understand
why you would treat Nolwazi the way you
did. I’ve held on to a lot of anger towards
you.
There’s an awkward silence.
Dean: I’ve never been one to let other
people control my life, so I couldn’t
understand why you allowed the woman
you call your mother to interfere in your
marriage. I was there every step of the
way, even before you divorced. I
obviously ended up crossing the
boundary, because I had no respect for
you.
Uhm, Dean is a bit intense right now.
Dean: Did you have anything to do with
my accident?
Kwanele: Excuse me?
Dean: Did you-
Niki: You are not about to a-
Dean: This has nothing to do with you.
Haibo, the look he gives her?
I’ve never seen him like this.
Niki tries speaking and I walk to her and
hold her hand.
My friend is fuming. She already feels
some type of way about Dean and this
isn’t helping.
Dean stares Kwanele.
Dean: Did you have anything to do with
my accident?
Jesu, this was not part of the plan! Derek
walks to Dean.
Kwanele: No, I didn’t.
Okay, Kwanele doesn’t look intimidated.
Dean: Your mother tried killing me.
Kwanele: How is that my fault?
Dean keeps quiet.
Kwanele: The real problem here is that
you are blaming me for my mother’s
actions, Dean. You always have.
Dean: She is your mother.
Kwanele: But I’m not in control of her.
Bheki: Thenjiwe did what?
Dean: She tried killing Zimkitha as well.
Nkos’ yami, this is getting out of control.
Nolwazi: Dean, stop this!
He looks at her.
Thandeka clears her throat.
Thandeka: In all honesty, this needs to
happen. We need to clarify any
misconceptions. Clearly Dean has been
walking around thinking that Kwanele
wanted to kill him.
I look at Dean.
We spoke about this. We agreed that he
would finally let go of his anger, but I
guess he needs to let it out first.
Dean: My frustration with you stems from
how you handled everything. You have no
idea how much damage your actions
caused in Nolwazi’s life. Till this day,
we’re still picking up the pieces.
Kwanele: I apologise for that, Dean. I
regret how things were handled, I’m
remorseful. What more do you want from
me? Dean doesn’t say anything.
Kwanele: I apologise for damaging
Nolwazi. I apologise that you are still
dealing with the aftereffects of our
marriage. I’m sorry.
There’s a long silence.
Dean nods lightly.
Dean: I’ve been a dick to you.
Zimkitha: Heyi! Language!
I chuckle.
Dean: I apologise for my actions.
Kwanele nods.
Kwanele: I forgive you.
Dean then looks at Niki.
Dean: I apologise for how I addressed
you.
Niki: Don’t ever address me like that. I am
not some weakling you can run over. I
don’t appreciate your disrespect.
Dean nods lightly.
Dean: I apologise.
I nudge Niki and she takes a deep breath.
Niki: Hmkay.
Dean sighs and then looks at Nolwazi.
Dean: I’m sorry for my conduct.
Nolwazi: It’s okay.
Linda: Alright then, that was unexpected.
However, I did say that this is a
challenging journey…
Lol.
Dean: Don’t I get to say what I’ve learnt?
Linda: Go ahead, sir.
Dean: Well, I’ve learned that relationships
require more than just love to function.
Silly things like your partner not
respecting your time can tick you off… It’s
important to hold each other accountable,
otherwise your unaddressed
wrongdoings will pile up and end up
destroying the relationship.
Of course he would come up with a harsh
truth.
Linda: Thank you, sir.
Why is Dean being called sir?
Linda: Alright then, here is our next
moment in history…
Argha man, look at Mdu and his Chubby
Cheeks. They look so happy.
Mdu: Finally.
We all laugh.
Mdu: This one drives me crazy, but
watching her grow into this feisty woman
has been an amazing experience. My
Chubby Cheeks has taught me the
importance of selflessness. Sometimes,
your partner will need you more than
you'll need them, and you really have to
show up for them. At times, it’s okay to
put aside your needs just to save your
partner from drowning. I’ve become
selfless, because of my Chubby Cheeks.
We all clap for him.
Tholi: Mdu has taught me that everything
starts with self-love. There was no way I
was going to love him fully until I started
loving myself. Thank you, Duzi.
Oh, Duzi, neh?
They share a kiss.
Cute, man.
This whole thing has been too emotional.
Linda: Alright then, here’s our next
moment.
Niki and Kwanele. They’re in an island,
living their best life!
Kwanele: I never thought I could love
again, but here I am…
They look at each other lovingly.
Kwanele: I’ve learnt to never
underestimate the strength of my heart. It
has the capability to heal and open up
again…
I personally clap for him.
I’m glad that he has moved on and
forgiven himself.
Niki: Well… I must say that I’ve always
had my reservations about this group. I’ve
always found you judgemental and
obnoxious.
Liwa: We are definitely obnoxious.
Everyone laughs.
Niki: But this museum has exposed how
loving you are… I think you still have a lot
to work on, but your love is cute or
whatever.
Lol.
Liwa: You’re technically part of the crew
now.
Niki: Uhm, no thanks!
I chuckle.
Niki: Anyway, my relationship with
Kwanele has taught me patience. It has
taken a lot of patience for me to watch
him grow into the man he has become. He
was very bruised when we started
dating…
She looks at Dean.
Niki: I’ve just had an aha moment…
She sighs.
Niki: The reason we just can’t get along is
because we’re both in the same position.
We’re trying to be there for people who
are still dealing with the trauma caused
by a common factor. You hate Kwanele for
what he has put Nolwazi through, and I
don’t necessarily like you because of your
negativity towards Kwanele. Dean nods
lightly.
Niki: I accept your apology by the way…
Dean nods again.
Niki: Kwanele has taught me patience…
and now the patience is finally paying
off…
We all nod. Good for them.
Linda: Thank you, Nikiwe.
He walks and we follow him.
Gosh.
I’ve been dreading this.
Mdu looks at me and grins.
Linda: Here we are, ladies and
gentlemen…
A huge copy of the letter Mdu wrote for
me is staring at all of us. Next to it, is an
old photograph of us sleeping on a couch.
My roommate from varsity took this
photo.
Everyone reads the letter silently.
Nolwazi: Bhenju, I had no idea you can be
so deep!
Mdu: I must admit that I was quite
shallow before I dated Ziyanda. I would
be lying if I said she didn’t add substance
to my life.
He looks at me.
Mdu: I can never thank you enough for
educating me about mental illnesses…
Because of our relationship and the
challenges we faced, I’m able to fully
support Tholi now.
I nod lightly.
Mdu: If there’s one thing I took from our
relationship, it’s that mental illnesses are
serious and it’s our responsibility to get
rid of the stigma attached to them.
I’m glad he learnt all of that.
Linda: Ms Dlamini?
Me: I don’t think I learnt anything from
my relationship with Mdu.
Everyone looks at me in shock. Mdu looks
hurt.
Me: I’m kidding, geesh.
They chuckle in relief.
Me: I learnt that it is my responsibility to
tell a person how I want to be supported.
I need to communicate my needs and not
expect them to figure it out themselves. I
must guide my partner…
Mom: Yes, baby!
My stomach at this point is in knots.
By the time we get to Derek and I, I’m
close to passing out. I don’t even know
how Dean got to my other side.
Mom: Look at my babies!
This photograph was taken by Nomvuyo. I
don’t even remember where we were, all I
know is that Derek and I were so lost in
each other’s eyes, that we lost track of
everything. The photo says it all!
Just by looking at that photo, I’m already
crying.
Now people are trying to calm me down.
They don’t understand ukuthi I’m dying
from nerves.
I eventually calm down take a deep
breath.
Linda: As we can see… this is an
emotional moment… a raw moment…
Lol, argh, uLinda.
Linda: What’s on your mind, Ziyanda?
I take another deep breath.
Me: Uhm…
I look at the picture.
Derek and I have come so far, it’s
unbelievable. We have survived so much
shit…
I look at Derek. He always gets emotional
when I’m emotional, so I can see he’s
trying not to cry.
Me: I have never loved anyone the way I
love you…
Mdu: Ouch.
Everyone laughs.
I sigh.
Me: If there’s anyone who deserves all my
love, it’s you.
He smiles.
Derek: My love for you has the power to
suspend time… It always seems like the
world is nonexistent, and it’s just you and
me…
He is absolutely right, because right now
I’m lost in his gaze, and I have completely
forgotten my surroundings.
Me: Derek…
Derek: Yes?
Me: I don’t know how to say this…
He looks at me strangely.
Derek: You’ve already told me that other
secret, baby.
I giggle.
I sigh and then look at everyone.
Me: I love every single person that is in
this room. You have all touched my life in
some way or another.
They smile at me.
Me: I hate the tension, I hate the fights, I
hate the aggression… But I know that all
of that forms part of relationships. Our
journey will never be smooth sailing.
However, our love for each other is truly
earth-shattering.
I sigh.
Me: Thank you for coming today. Thank
you for taking part in my activities. Thank
you for not complaining. Most
importantly, thank you for reflecting on
your separate journeys and
understanding how your past experiences
have groomed you… Thank you for loving
me. Thank you for forgiving me when I
have wronged you. Thank you for just
being awesome people. I have grown so
much, and each and everyone of you has
contributed to my growth. I love you.
Suddenly, everyone is hugging each other
and we’re all emotional. I’m glad I’m not
the only one crying now.
Lol I can see Phumi there, holding on
Andile.
Jeff and Ziggy are high. They're hugging
each other, those idiots.
Me: I’d like us to go to the backyard… I
have one more surprise.
Nomvuyo: You make us cry and then
expect us to take more of your surprises?
I laugh.
Me: Follow me…
They follow me out of the guesthouse.
We all trek to the backyard.
As soon as we get to the setting, they all
stare at me.
Confusion, confusion, confusion!
I look at Derek.
Me: Star, I most definitely want to spend
the rest of my life with you… All that talk
about you being the problem is bullshit.
Liwa: What’s happening right now?
Me: Derek.
He looks like he’s about to faint.
Me: Nkanyezi.
I take his hands.
Me: I pray and hope that this gesture
shows you how committed I am and how
crazy you make me. There’s complete
silence.
For a good minute, everyone is silent.
Liwa: What’s happening right now?
They look around.
Niki: Nooo, biiiitch! Is this a surprise
wedding?!
Yoh, uNiki.
Nomvuyo: Ziyanda?!
Jeff: Shit…
I look at Derek.
As soon as he turns from everyone, faces
the other way, and bows his head, I also
lose it.
Dean wraps his arms around Derek
shoulders, and comforts him as he starts
crying.
Nomvuyo: Wait, is this really happening?
Liwa: What’s happening right now?
Nolwazi: Wait.
My mom is now comforting me.
Yhu, it is a mess.
INSERT 276 (Unedited- Excuse any errors
tuu kunzima right now)
I go to Derek and Dean.
Me: Star.
I give him a few seconds to gather himself.
Dean lets go of him and I step closer to
him and wrap my arms around his waist.
He buries his head on my neck.
Me: Star, you’re scaring me. He puts his
head up and looks at me.
Argh, my heart.
Our foreheads touch.
Me: Are you okay?
He shakes his head.
Me: Need a moment?
He nods.
Me: Okay…
I let go of him and he holds me.
Me: Let me tell everyone to get drinks…
He lets go of me and I walk to the others,
who are now very excited.
When I get to them, Thandeka starts
ululating and they all cheer.
Me: Please get yourselves drinks and
finger foods, chill a bit, and give us some
time.
Nolwazi: Anything for you, makoti.
They start singing and dancing.
Lol, I’m not even processing any of this. I
want some alone time with Nkanyezi,
because he legit looks shell-shocked.
I walk to him and take his hand.
Me: Let’s go inside.
We walk away silently and make our way
inside the house.
Me: Would you like some water?
Derek: Yes, please.
Shame, he’s not fine.
I pour him some cold water and give him
the glass. I watch as he drinks the water
and groans. Derek: My heart is beating too
fast.
I chuckle and take his hand. We walk up
the stairs and make our way to the
bedroom. We find Kate there, busy on her
phone.
Kate: Aww, here’s the lovely couple!
Me: Hey, Kate.
Kate: Are you ready for your next look?
Me: Not yet. Give us a few minutes.
Kate: Oh, sure… I’ll be in another room.
Call me when you’re ready.
Me: Okay.
She walks out and closes the door. I walk
to Derek and stare at him.
Me: You okay?
He shakes his head.
I’m still nervous and anxious. He hasn’t
given me anything to work with, besides
his tears.
Derek: Come here.
He pulls me closer and wraps his arms
around me.
Derek: What’s happening?
He looks at me curiously and I sigh.
Me: Well… It’s not a secret that I’ve been
struggling to decide on when the wedding
should take place.
He remains silent.
Me: So… I had a random Aha Moment- I
realised that I do want to marry you… but
I should make it a surprise, because
everyone thinks I’m afraid of
commitment, and I thought it would be a
great gesture...
He nods lightly.
Me: So… I told my parents first, and they
struggled to understand what I meant.
They thought I was joking when I said I
wanted to plan a wedding without your
consent. He keeps quiet and I take a deep
breath. I can’t believe I actually did it. An
entire month of planning such a detailed
event? Lord.
Me: Anyway, I asked Dean to help me plan
everything. We started off with the 30
Day gift thingie, and that’s why I was
giving you all those gifts- it was a buildup
to today.
I sigh.
Me: And then I planned the museum
thingie, because I wanted everyone to get
over the tension.
I groan.
Me: Is it weird that I want to sleep? I’m
too anxious right now and you’re not
helping!
Derek: You want to sleep?
Me: Yes! My heart is beating too fast. I’m
sweaty. I’m overwhelmed. Sleeping is the
only solution!
He tightens his hold on me.
Derek: I don’t know what to say to you.
Me: I mean, are we doing this or not?
Derek: What do you think?
Me: I don’t know, Derek. I’m not too
confident right now.
Derek: This is me we’re talking about- of
course we’re doing this…
The Anxiety Monster had gotten me, so
hearing Derek say he’s onboard feels
great.
I exhale loudly and relax in his arms.
Derek: I genuinely don’t know what to say
to you.
Me: As long as you’re okay with this.
Derek: Ziyanda, you mean everything to
me. Why the fuck would I have a problem
with this?
Me: I need to take off these heels.
I suddenly feel compressed. He lets go of
me and I watch as he goes down and
unbuckles the heels and takes them off.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Are you going to change this
dress?
I nod.
Derek: It suits you. Breathtaking.
Me: Thanks. You don’t look too bad
yourself.
He chuckles as he takes off my dress.
Derek: The right thing to do right now is
let off some steam.
Me: Couldn’t agree more.
The second his lips land on mine, I’m
gone, chile.
Yazi uDerek is a problem. My love for this
one is too much, man, and now I want to
let out all the stress and anxiety I’ve been
feeling since this whole thing started.
By the time I’m reaching my orgasm, I’m
sobbing and moaning his name like a
wounded puppy.
Derek: I love you.
Me: I love you-
Heyiii, jiki jiki, the door opens. Next thing
I know, Derek is trying to cover us.
My mom and dad just stand there like
zombies.
Derek’s efforts are unsuccessful, so we
separate. He takes a pillow and covers
himself with it, while I jump off the bed
and kneel on the other side of it, so that
my head is the only thing visible.
Why are my parents not walking off and
closing the door like normal people?! Why
are they just standing there like creeps?!
Derek and I remain silent and just stare at
them. He still has an erection. We were
getting ready to go one more time before
heading out.
Yoh.
My dad looks traumatised.
Just then, Dean also emerges and he
processes the scene.
Dean: You disgusting whores.
Jesu.
My dad finally gathers up the energy to
walk away. Really?! After all this time?!
Dean: Mama, go change into your next
outfit. This is the last thing you need to
see.
My mom also walks away. For once in her
life, she’s speechless.
Dean chuckles and looks at us.
Dean: Hurry up, we don’t have the whole
day… Do I need to teach you how to lock a
door?
With that said, he closes the door.
Derek and I stare at each other for a good
minute and he ends up laughing.
Me: Derek!
Derek: What?
Me: This is not funny!
Derek: They should have knocked. What
did they think we were doing?
I groan and watch as he stands and locks
the door.
Derek: Woza.
He pulls me to the bed.
Derek: Your parents are too forward.
I grunt…
***
Kate does a few touch ups and then leads
me to the full-length mirror.
Yhu, this is really happening…
Kate: I have to give it to your mother, she
has great taste.
My mom definitely took charge with the
design of the dress. Me being me, I’ve
never been the type of person who
imagines her wedding and has a diary
with all her plans. Mina my main concern
is who the hell I’m involving myself with…
That has been my biggest worry
throughout my life- the man I’m going to
spend the rest of my life with. So now that
I’m actually getting married and I had to
be aware of all the details, I didn’t know
where to start. Thankfully, my mom took
over. I just told her and the designer that I
want to look amazing and be comfortable.
I don’t want my boobs to splurt out on the
sides. I don’t want my boobs to be
trapped and pressed so high that they
touch my chin. I don’t want my arms to be
squashed. I don’t want my hips to be
trapped and stop me from dancing. I don’t
want to drown in a dress. Most
importantly, I want a dress with pockets…
We all discovered that I had too many
demands. They couldn’t keep up. I know
my body type- I have boobs, I have hips-
basically, I’m not skinny. I don’t want a
big dress, because it will make me look
gigantic. I don’t want too much lace,
because it tends to look cheap and tacky. I
don’t want a fairytale type of dress, it’s
too hot for that shit. I don’t want long
sleeves, because I’ll feel too compressed. I
don’t want too many crystals, because
they also tend to look ghetto.
I gave them a hard time, shame, but they
came through for me. I’m wearing a
structured A-line dress with pocketed silk
mikado skirt and low plunging neckline
(to appropriately show off my boobs,
which Derek adores) in bold lace
applique. The embroidery is not too
harsh- the designer managed to not make
it look cluttered. I absolutely love the
mikado, because the material is not heavy
and hot. It’s perfect for warm weather.
Phela the tulle dress I wore earlier was
already irritating me, and the layers
weren’t even that hectic.
One thing I did choose is my tiara. I chose
a vine, because I have a low bun. A normal
tiara wouldn’t go well with my dress. My
mom kept trying to make me get a full-on
tiara and I checked her quick fast, because
I’m not trying to look like I’m taking part
in a local modelling contest for Miss
Soweto. Dean is the one who coughed out
the money for this vine, as a gift, so I
allowed myself to go all out and not even
consider ukuthi I’m chowing the
megabytes’ university money. Bazoba
strong. The vine compliments the bun
that Kate had to redo, because Derek
messed it up earlier.
The veil is simple and classic, nothing too
special. It’s not long, because it would
disturb the flow of my dress, considering
the material. Nakhona I can’t be fussing
about a veil when my ass already has a
kid and I’m literally carrying a baby. I’m
not about to be those in denial people
who insist on covering themselves with a
veil when their assess have a soccer team
waiting there by the altar… Angithi bathi
a veil signifies virginity? K’dala ngaqala
uku-have-a phela.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is
that a bitch is cute, poppin’ and
comfortable.
***
I want to see Derek, but I’ve been told that
I’m not allowed. I just don’t understand
why people are suddenly following
traditional methods, when this whole
situation has been strange and has
broken a lot of wedding rules.
My parents walk into the room and we
have another heartfelt moment. We begin
praying and the tears start approaching.
Dad: Are you ready?
I nod.
Dad: Alright then…
Just then, there’s a knock on the door and
Dean walks in.
He wraps his arms around me and we
share a long hug.
Dean: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m okay.
I take a deep breath.
Dean: I’m proud of you.
Me: Thank you.
He then looks at my parents and smiles.
Dean: It’s time. We’ve been waiting for
too long, and everyone is ready.
Me: Let’s get this over and done with!
Dean: Hai phela, calm down. You must
process and enjoy every moment.
Niki and Nomvuyo have already been
here and the photographer has captured
all the lovely moments. Now, I just need
to walk down that aisle and do this shit.
Me: Are the singers here?
Believe it or not, my mother managed to
find me two lead singers there by our
church to come sing while I walk down
the aisle. Shame, they both deserve a
record deal for their amazing talent, but
ke at least I’ve given them a gig. My mom
wanted the whole choir to be included
and I checked her quick fast (once again),
because I’m not trying to have people
from the church choir fighting for a spot
and trying to outshine each other while I
walk down the aisle.
I have two singers and a pianist. That’s all
we need, not the whole congregation.
***
I don’t know even know how I got here,
but I’m here. I’m standing between both
my parents and I am 5 to crying. I decided
that I would walk down with both of
them, because at least I’ll have two people
to hold me should I fall or faint. When I
hear the song’s melody, my heart skips a
beat.
It’s Ed Sheeran’s Perfect. Derek absolutely
loves the song…
The piano starts off…
My knees are weak!
Mom: Please don’t fall, Ziyanda.
We chuckle through the tears.
People see us approaching and they
stand. We walk to the end of the aisle. I
decide to zone out. I’m going to focus on
this aisle and try not to trip. Gosh, all of a
sudden it looks like this is going to be a
long trip. Derek is too far for my liking.
Ngapha my mom’s singers are
harmonising and killing it.
The guy sings the first verse beautifully…
I hug my parents and then hold my mom’s
hand and then slip my arm through my
dad’s arm. I make a mental note to not
drop the bouquet.
We stand there for about minute. I’m
trying to gather my thoughts and remind
myself to be in the moment.
I’m getting married! I’m tying the knot
with the love of my life!
Yhu, I’m so overwhelmed. I want to
scream and cry…
The singers are also doing the most here
with their harmony…
"... Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you
between my arms Barefoot on the grass,
listening to our favorite song When you
said you looked a mess, I whispered
underneath my breath But you heard it,
darling, you look perfect tonight…"
We begin walking and as much as I try to
stop them, the tears keep flowing…
I even had perfect timing, because
Beyonce’s verse is now being sang so
beautifully as I walk with my parents…
Well I found a man, stronger than anyone
I know He shares my dreams, I hope that
someday we'll share a home I found love,
to carry more than just my secrets To
carry love, to carry children of our own If
there’s a song that I feel sums up what I
have with Derek, it has to be this one…
"... We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds I know we'll be
alright this time Darling, just hold my
hand Be your girl, you'll be my man And I
see my future in your eyes..."
I have no idea how I’m walking right now.
I feel like my parents are holding me. I’m
floating.
Mom: Ngathi kuzo-faint-a mina.
I can’t help but let out a laugh.
I decide to focus on Derek, because we’re
getting closer to him.
I was never ready.
Umuntu is shedding tears there and now I
regret looking at him because I’m crying
even more.
The song reaches its climax, where the
singers’ voices collide and intensify. What
makes it even more powerful is that these
are church folk, so their voices have that
holy spirit element…
"... Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you
between my arms Barefoot on the grass,
while listening to our favourite song I
have faith in what I see Now I know I have
met an angel in person And she looks
perfect And he looks perfect No I don't
deserve this You look perfect tonight..."
When we get to the front, my parents hug
Derek.
As soon as he’s free, I try not to throw
myself at him. I don’t know if there are
rules about holding your person before
sharing vows, but I want to be in his arms
ASAP. I’m so glad that he obviously feels
the same way, because we end up sharing
the longest hug, crying our lungs out…
The piano is doing the most. I think it’s
evoking too many emotions, and these
holy ghost singers aren’t helping.
Once we’re okay, we let go of each other.
Derek hands me his handkerchief and I
wipe my tears.
When I finally gather up the strength to
look at everyone, I’m glad to see that
these bitches are also crying. You can
literally feel the love in this space-
genuine love. I don’t think I’ve ever been
happier. My heart is full. All the nerves
have perished and have been replaced by
a calm aura… A calmness that is allowing
me to be still and soak in every second…
Little Star starts crying very loudly.
My mother takes her from Niki and holds
her. I know she wants to be held by me or
Derek, but she has to be strong. This
moment is not about her. She eventually
calms down. I finally look at Derek and
smile.
Shuu!
He takes my hand and I take that as a sign
for another hug. We’re now embracing
again and I’m trying not to cry yet again,
but it’s not easy. I’m so overwhelmed by
the love I have for him.
I feel his lips by my ear.
Derek: Thank you for this.
Me: I don’t want to let go.
He chuckles.
Derek: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
He gives me one last squeeze and lets go
of me.
He holds my hand and then we look at the
priest who is smiling warmly.
The piano stops playing…
There’s a long silence…
Priest: We are gathered here today in the
sight of God, and in the face of this
company, to join together Derek Nkanyezi
Ngidi and Ziyanda Dlamini in holy
Matrimony; which is an honourable
union, instituted of God. Into this holy
estate, Derek and Ziyanda come now to be
joined. If any man can show just cause,
why they may not lawfully be joined
together, let him now speak, or else
hereafter forever hold their peace.
There’s silence.
Derek: That won’t be happening, you can
carry on.
Everyone laughs.
Priest: I require and charge you both, as
you will answer at the dreadful day of
judgment when the secrets of all hearts
shall be disclosed, that if either of you
know any barrier, why you may not be
lawfully joined together in Matrimony,
you do now confess it. For be well
assured, that if any persons are joined
together other than as God’s Word allows,
their marriage is not lawful.
Yoh, that’s a little dramatic.
Derek and I glance at each other and stifle
laughs.
Dean: Carry on, mfundisi.
The priest nods lightly as everyone
continues laughing…
When it’s time for our vows, I say a silent
prayer, because all the shit I prepared to
say has been forgotten. I am blank.
Priest: Derek and Ziyanda are here to
marry each other. No one else will create
such a union. It is their words, their
intentions, their vision, that must define
and shape this marriage. So I call upon
them now to state their promise before
this group: the pledges that will bind
them together.
The priest stares at me softly and then I
sigh.
I look at Derek and take a deep breath.
Me: Uhm, I had a whole speech prepared,
but I’m genuinely blank…
Derek: I can go first.
He looks at the priest.
Derek: Can I go first?
Priest: Go ahead…
I sigh in relief.
Derek then stares at me and smiles.
Derek: I could never have a hard time
explaining my love for you and my intent
of growing old with you…
Haike, I hope he’s not throwing shade just
because I blanked out.
Derek: I have many vows, so I’ll sum up
them into five points.
Argh, why didn’t I think of that? I’ll copy
him.
Derek: Firstly, I vow to always be your
number one cheerleader. You are such a
creative person and you constantly come
up with amazing ideas on how we can
improve things.
I smile.
Derek: So, I vow to be your number one
cheerleader. You will never have to seek
support elsewhere. I won’t just cheer for
you, but I’ll try by all means to provide
you with all the resources you need to be
successful in your endeavors. I vow to
celebrate you and your achievements. I
will hold your hand and always have your
back.
Argh.
Derek: Secondly, I vow to never stop
laughing with you. I appreciate the fact
that we always find a way to laugh at
ourselves and our surroundings. You’re
the funniest person I know, and I’m so
thankful that we always manage to smile
through our pain. You have enabled me to
stop taking myself too seriously. I vow to
continue finding humour in every
situation…
Liwa: I thought I was the funniest person
you know?
We all chuckle.
Derek: Thirdly, I vow to continuously
work on myself to ensure that I’m the best
husband. In my time with you, I have
grown tremendously, and it’s mostly
because of your influence. You have
shown me the importance of working on
myself before I can open myself up to
everyone else. Because of you, I have
gained the courage to take a step back
and unpack everything that has happened
to me and start healing. I promise that I
will never stop working on myself. I will
continue watering myself to ensure that I
become a better version of myself with
each passing day.
Me: Thank you.
Derek: Next, I vow to not only be a good
husband, but a good father as well. I think
it’s important to note that this union
doesn’t only include the two of us, but our
children as well- the family we’re
building. I promise that I will never leave
you. At no point will you be left to take
care of what we both started. We
collectively agreed to build a family
together, therefore, I will always uphold
my responsibilities as a father. I will not
fail our children. They will always have
me, and I will prioritise their happiness
more than anything.
He swallows his tears.
Derek: Lastly, I vow to be your best
friend. Being your best friend means I’ll
always be honest with you. I’ll be honest
with what’s going through my mind; how
you make me feel; what makes me happy;
what makes me sad; what hurts me; my
hopes and dreams… Honesty will be the
foundation of our relationship. I will be
honest enough to not only tell you what
your strengths are and what I love about
you, but what your areas of growth are
and how you can improve… I will always
be honest with you, Ziyanda. He sighs.
Derek: Being your best friend also means
I’m never going to lose patience when it
comes to you. I will never question the
intent behind your actions, because I’ve
been in your life long enough to know
that you genuinely love me, and you
always have the best intentions… I will
never be impatient with you. I will
constantly be empathetic, and put myself
in your shoes. I will treat you with a deep
sense of understanding; thoroughly
unpack your actions and figure out why
you do the crazy things you do, because I
know for a fact that I will discover
something that will make me love you
even more…
See, now I’m crying.
Hearing him say that he will never stop
trying to discover who I am truly warms
my heart.
Derek: Being your best friend means I’m
going to fully trust you. We will be each
other’s safe space. As soon as I’m in your
presence, I will be completely naked,
literally and figuratively.
We laugh.
Derek: I will not build a wall around
myself. I will be fully open and allow
myself to trust you. I will lean on you
without trying to be strong. I will never
pretend that I have all my ducks in a row
when I’m with you. You will be my
home… my safe haven…
I want to hold him.
He takes a deep breath and stares at me.
Derek: Ziyanda, I take everything I have
said seriously… Thank you for organising
this special day. It’s the best day of my
life, without a doubt. You’re my best
friend and confidant. You are such a page-
turner. Everyday with you is some form of
adventure- sometimes the experience is
gruesome because we find ourselves
clashing, not seeing eye to eye- other
times the experience is sweet and
comforting… At this point, my love for
you can’t be put in words. I feel like I can
show you more than I can vocally express
it.
He grins mischievously and I smile.
Derek: I feel privileged to be on the
receiving end of your love. You’re loyal,
you’re protective, you’re loving, you’re
honest… I’m so grateful that I get the
chance to promise myself to my greatest
friend. I pride myself in being your
partner. I love you, baby. I’ve never loved
anyone like this, and I know my heart is
safe with you.
I want to kiss him!
He wraps his arms around me and we
hold each other for a while, since we can’t
kiss yet.
I am sobbing…

INSERT 277
I take a deep breath.
Me: I vow to never stop drooling over you,
because you are one fine specimen.
He smiles.
At this point, I decide to zone everyone
out and just pretend Derek and I are by
ourselves. I want this experience to be as
authentic as possible.
Me: I have a list of vows, and I hope I go
through most of them… I’ll start with the
important ones.
I continue staring at him.
Me: I vow to always beat you on Snakes
and Ladders and Checkers. I’ll try to not
be a sore loser, but I can’t promise you
that. I also can’t promise that I’ll stop
being arrogant whenever I win… I vow to
never stop trying to cook for you, because
I believe that one day I’ll get it right.
I can hear Dean saying something and
people laughing, but I continue zoning
them out.
Me: I vow to always make you my
chauffeur, because I seriously hate
driving. I vow to always keep the house
squeaky clean, specifically the kitchen,
just to avoid your dramatic mental
breakdowns. I vow to squeeze the
toothpaste from the bottom at all times.
He chuckles.
I take a deep breath.
Me: I promise to listen to your advice,
because you are a wise man and you
always want the best for me. There are
times when I don’t see a situation for
what it truly is because I tend to be too
passionate, but you always stay level-
headed. I will listen more. I will make you
feel heard. I will process your advice and
start following it instead of being
stubborn. Your wisdom will not go to
waste.
He squeezes my hands.
Me: I promise to love and honour you, but
not to obey you, because you are not my
ruler. We collectively agreed that this
union would be a partnership and
friendship, therefore, at no point will one
us make the other feel like they are being
controlled. I will respect you as my man,
and we will not be bound by society's
marriage norms. Being your wife is not a
job position. Being my husband is not a
job position. We both know what we need
from each other, as a result, we will not
feel pressured by external factors. At no
point will we be each other’s servants.
Like I’ve stated, I will respect you as my
man, not the man, because that comes
with a lot of generational guidelines, and
we both know I struggle with being told
what to do. I know the specifications that
come with being your partner, and
because I’ve experienced being your
woman, I am more than willing to stick
around and learn more about you. I am
capable of meeting those specifications. I
will love you the way you want to be
loved… and still add my spice of course. I
will not Google ways to satisfy you,
instead I will find out directly from you
what you need from me. You are Derek,
my Derek, therefore no one else can teach
me how to treat you other than you.
See, now I’m in the zone. The words are
just flowing.
Me: I vow to give our union 100% at all
times. You will be my first priority. I will
never stop telling you how much I love
you. I will never stop telling you if you’ve
hurt my feelings. I will never stop
apologising if I’ve wronged you, even
though this one is not easy. I will always
give you 100%, and if I’m struggling to do
so (because life presents us with a lot of
challenges), then I will be honest with
you. The bottomline is that I am
committed to you, and I am dedicated to
nurturing our relationship.
I continue looking at him.
Me: I vow to work on myself as well. I
have enjoyed being with you. You bring
out the best and worst in me. Ever since I
have been with you, I have had to come
face to face with my demons and realise
that I am far from perfect. I have grown
deeply, because you constantly stretch me
to become better… literally and
figuratively.
I hear chuckles. My poor parents will be
strong.
Me: You are my best friend, my partner in
crime, my gossip partner. I trust you with
my life. Besides my parents, I know for a
fact that should anything happen to me,
you will be the first person to jump and
do something. I don’t doubt your love for
me one bit, because you always choose
me. You choose me every single day, and
you never fail to show me that I’m always
your first choice. You have even made it
clear that you prioritise me over our kids,
because you understand that it is better
and crucial for them to be raised by
wholesome parents. Thank you for being
my best friend. I promise that we’ll be
best friends forever. For me, being best
friends means we accept that our journey
will not be sunshine and rainbows. We
will be tested along the way, but we both
continuously choose to get through those
challenges together. Best friends have
their serious moments, but they also have
their idiotic moments, where they behave
like crazy 10 year olds. May we never lose
touch with the 10 year olds in us. I know
you never got the chance to fully enjoy
your childhood, so I promise to help you
channel the kid in you and not always
take things too seriously.
He smiles.
Me: Lastly, I vow to hold on to forgiveness
instead of anger and hurt. I will not hold
on to situations once we have unpacked
them and acknowledged and learned
from them. Of course if you ever cheat,
then you can consider yourself dead…
There’s no forgiveness there, especially
now that we’re making this official.
He chuckles.
Me: I will try my utmost best to never go
to bed angry at you. I know this is hard to
implement, but I will try my best. Just like
you, I am not worried about your
intentions, because I know for a fact that
you always want the best for me, and if
you ever make a mistake, it never comes
from a malicious place. I will always hold
on to forgiveness. I am not about to spend
the rest of my life holding on to grudges…
I refuse to be petty when it comes to
you… well, at least I will try not to be…
He laughs lightly, because he is familiar
with Petty. The bitch is not going
anywhere, to be quite honest. I just need
to learn how to tame her.
Me: I love you, Star. Just like this ring, I
strongly believe that my love for you is
never-ending. It is never stagnant- it
continuously revolves and evolves. The
reason I love your name so much is
because you’re truly the embodiment of a
star.
Me: A star can be defined by five basic
characteristics: brightness, colour, surface
temperature, size and mass. A star is a
massive ball of plasma that emits light
throughout the universe. Even when
faced with darkness, your good heart still
brings light… Your kind-nature shines
through. You bring light to my life.
I can see him getting emotional now.
Me: A star’s colour is determined by its
temperature. For example, cooler stars
tend to be redder in colour, while hotter
stars have a bluer appearance. You are
extremely mood lately, and I am starting
to think this is going to be something I
have to deal with forever…
He smiles.
Me: Apparently, two stars of a similar size
may not necessarily have the same mass,
because stars can vary greatly in density.
Out of all the men I have come across, I
have been blessed with you in particular.
You are different, and I strongly believe
that you were tailor-made specifically for
me. There are too many sexy men out
there, but your heart has the perfect
amount of density for me. I can’t even
begin to compare you to other stars. You
are my star. I don’t care about the other
stars… Well, I do care about our dramatic
little one, but you get my point…
He wraps his arms around me and we
share a hug.
Me: Love you.
He doesn’t respond.
Argh, I’ve never seen him this emotional.
He is clearly overwhelmed. I hope I’ve
made him understand how much he
means to me, and how amazing he is. He
tends to doubt himself sometimes, and I
completely understand, because all his
life he grew up convinced that he was not
worthy enough to be on the receiving end
of his real parents’ love.
There’s a long moment of silence.
Priest: Ziyanda, will you have Derek to be
your wedded husband, to live together
after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of
Matrimony? Will you love him, comfort
him, honour, and keep him in sickness
and in health; and, forsaking all others, so
long as you both shall live?
Me: Yes, I will.
Priest: Derek, will you have Ziyanda to be
your wedded wife, to live together after
God’s ordinance in the holy estate of
Matrimony? Will you love her, comfort
her, honour, and keep her in sickness and
in health; and, forsaking all others, so long
as you both shall live?
Derek clears his throat.
Derek: Yes, I will.
Priest: Excellent… Now, please repeat
after me.
So I had a panic attack a few days ago
when I realised that Derek won’t have a
wedding band for me, since he didn’t
know about the wedding… Turns out this
man actually organised one back when
Dean’s lady from overseas came to show
us engagement rings for Nolwazi, back
when he was proposing… Derek actually
got the engagement and wedding ring
during that time. I was shook to say the
least.
Anyway, the priest smiles and asks us to
repeat after him. Derek goes first, before
sliding the band on my finger.
Derek: I, Derek, take you, Ziyanda, to be
my wedded wife, to have and to hold from
this day forward, for better or for worse,
for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, till death us
do part, according to God’s holy
ordinance.
Priest: Bless, O Lord, this ring, that he
who gives it and she who wears it may
abide in peace, and continue in the favour,
unto their life’s end; through Jesus Christ
our Lord. Amen.
And then it’s my turn.
Me: I, Ziyanda, take you, Nkanyezi, to be
my wedded husband, to have and to hold
from this day forward, for better or for
worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness
and in health, to love and to cherish, till
death us do part, according to God’s holy
ordinance.
Priest: Bless, O Lord, this ring, that she
who gives it and he who wears it may
abide in peace, and continue in the favour,
unto their life’s end; through Jesus Christ
our Lord. Amen. He looks at us.
Priest: With these rings, I wed you, in the
Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of
the Holy Ghost. Amen.
Everyone says Amen.
He bows his head and we all do the same
and close our eyes.
Priest: Oh Eternal God, Creator and
Preserver of all mankind, Giver of all
spiritual grace, the Author of everlasting
life. Send your blessing upon your
children, Derek and Ziyanda, whom we
bless in your name. That they, living
faithfully together, may surely perform
and keep the vow and covenant they
made. These rings are received as a token
and pledge. May they ever remain in
perfect love and peace together, and live
according to your laws; through Jesus
Christ our Lord.
There’s a moment of silence as we
process his words.
Priest: Oh God, look mercifully upon your
children, that they may love, honour, and
cherish each other, and so live together in
faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and
true godliness, that their home may be a
haven of blessing and of peace; through
the same Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives
and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit
ever. Amen.
Everyone says Amen.
We open our eyes and he looks at us
softly, like a proud father.
Priest: May God the Father, God the Son,
God the Holy Ghost, bless, preserve, and
keep you. May the Lord mercifully with
his favour, look upon you, and fill you
with all spiritual blessing and grace; that
you may so live together in this life, that
in the world to come you may have life
everlasting.
He smiles.
My heart beats excitedly.
Priest: I now pronounce that you are
Husband and Wife, Mr and Mrs Ngidi, in
the Name of the Father, and of the Son,
and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.
Yaaas!
Priest: You may kiss the bride.
Heyiiiii!
Thunder. Lightning. Storm. Zonke. That’s
how powerful that kiss was for me. It
started off soft and delicate, with him
brushing his lips on me like a floating
feather. Then it intensified and I found
myself crying through it all, because I
realised that I’m going to be kissing him
for the rest of my life…
There isn’t even a pessimistic bone in me
that is whispering nonsense and making
me doubt what I have done. I am
genuinely happy with my decision. Derek
is the one, and this is by far the happiest
day of my life.
Dean literally had to pull us apart,
because I think we got carried away.