I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube of toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving of cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner 1 can of Soup For One 1 16oz can of Miller Lite The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?" The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."
The Turnip Green Comedy Newspaper circulates to a readership of over 50,000 in most of N. Florida and S. Georgia. The Turnip Green is published monthly by the Turnipians from the planet ZOLTAR. The contents of this paper in no way reflect the opinions of its writers, its writers bartenders, or its writers third grade teachers. Any semblance to intelligence detected in this publication is purely an error on your part and is not the responsibility of any of us, who share a combined brain cell count of three. This paper is copyrighted and no part can be reprinted without the permission of the publisher, who, if you get her drunk enough will give you permission to do just about anything.

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. Ive been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Wont you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Wont you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so. Yours always and truly, John P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for? Now it's time you become informed! (A) Almost boobs (B) Barely there (C) Can't Complain (D) Damn (DD) Double Damn! (E) Enormous! (F) Fake (G) Get a Reduction (H) HELP--I've fallen and I can't get up!

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking a coke when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. "Send my grass out to be mowed,"

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment. Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said. Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down. Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down." The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie." Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!" The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?" Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. GUTS - Is arriving home... late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: You're next, Chubby. ..............Both result in death

A teacher asks her class if the Gators is their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy. "What's your favorite football team Jimmy?" Jimmy says, "UGA!" The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?" Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Dawg fan, my mom is a Dawg fan, I guess that makes me a Dawg fan." The angry teacher says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?" "Well, says little Jimmy, I guess that would make me a Gator fan."

While on a plane from Florida; Casey Anthony spoke to Baez bout all the money they were going to make chuckled and said: "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now & make somebody very happy." Baez laughed & replied: "I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy" Hearing their conversation the pilot of the plane said to his copilot "What 'douche-bags' I could throw both of them out of the window & make 90% of the people in America very happy."

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will inspire her to When somebody says "Expect the do things she unexpected" slap them in the face and never thought say "You didn't expect that did you." she could do He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be her most confident, sexy and seductive. No wait - sorry! I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that!

A little boy was sitting on the sidewalk with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, This is the most powerful liquid in the world; Turpentine. The Priest said, No, my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby. The little boy replied Well, if you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug. They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine! The little bastards ......

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black." A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!" "OK, says Johnny...then I DEFINITELY crapped my pants!"

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hoursall of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Hare some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. He's makin a list, chicken and rice. Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer) Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say Sleep in heavenly peas In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown You'll go down in Listerine Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay O come, froggy faithful

I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone...you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either... I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there.

A husband reads in a book : "You are the man of your house"! So he storms to his wife and announces - "From now on you need to know I'm the man of the house. My word is LAW. You WILL cook & clean for me. You WILL go upstairs & give me the kind of sex I want. Afterwards, you WILL draw me a bath, wash my back & massage my feet. Oh, & guess who's going to dress me & comb my hair in the morning? The wife replied "A friggen funeral director would be my first guess!

At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

NAME:__________________________ ADDRESS_________________________ CITY_________________________ STATE__________ ZIP____________ EMAIL ADDRESS or PHONE NUMBER (optional) _____________________

NAME:__________________________ ADDRESS_________________________ CITY_________________________ STATE__________ ZIP____________ EMAIL ADDRESS or PHONE NUMBER (optional) _____________________

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth. Apparently ice is lethal! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

And God created woman. She had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And it was good. And God asked woman what she would like changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created man.

Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind? Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yeah...it was a blonde and she was under the sink looking for the comet! Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either? Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? Because they go answer the door. Why is it a blonde can not have more than a 10 minutes lunch break? Because otherwise you have to retrain her. What do you call a couple of blondes in the front seat of a car? Air Bags. Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A man who told one to many blonde jokes. What do you call a blond with a Chainsaw? Dead. Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of water skis? She's still looking for a lake with a slope. There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure? The Blonde, she was 18. What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot. What's the difference between a blonde guy and a blonde girl? The blonde girl's sperm count is higher. How do blonde's brain cells die? Alone. How do you make a one arm blonde fall out of a tree? Wave to her! What do you call blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes! What did the blonde say when she found out she was going to have a baby? I hope it's mine. Why did the blonde turn into the ditch? She left her blinker on! What's an intelligent blonde? A Golden Retriever. What did they call the blonde that was found dead in the closet? The 1994 Hide and Go Seek Champion. Why was the Blonde's brain the size of a pea after exercising? It swelled up!

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive. Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? Because she thought her Maxi-pad had wings. Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children? Because it hurts when they boil their nipples. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? You knock on the door. Why can't a blonde make kool-aide? She can't figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in a kool-aide packet. What is dumber than two brunettes that tried to build a house at the bottom of the ocean? Two blondes that tried to burn it down! What's blonde-brunette-blonde-brunette-blondebrunette-blonde? A blonde doing cartwheels. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. Why are Blonde's coffins shaped like a triangle? Because every time their head hits a pillow their legs open. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter. How does a blonde get hurt raking leaves? She falls out of the tree! Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?" No one could read it because it was hung upside-down. Why do blonde's like sunroofs? More legroom. Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to kill herself? She jumped out a basement window. Why can't blondes pass their driving tests? Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat. Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap? She chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the tissue out of the box. How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookie? There's M&M Shells all over the floor. How can you tell if she has been on the computer again? She has left cheese for the mouse.

A man and his wife entered the dentist's office. "I want a tooth pulled, "the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff." "You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?" "Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots of. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" To which he replied: "I stuffed them into my boots.

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" "No." said the boy. "Why not?" said the judge. "Because she beats me." The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." "Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with the Boston Red Sox." "Why?" asks the judge. "They don't beat anybody."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

If your idea of a "loaded dishwasher" is getting your wife drunk...yep, you're a redneck.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Barack Obama, George Bush and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to My kids asked, "Whatcha doing today?" Obama and asked, tell I said, "Nothing." what is important about They said, "You did that yesterday." yourself. I told them, "I WASN'T finished!" Obama responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked George Bush what he revered most. George responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A first grade teacher was asking her class some questions and one student, Larry, seemed to know all the answers. Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher. Legs! Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher. Pockets! said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said, Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories. Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader. Never underestimate the power of...termites. You can lead a horse to water but...how? Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty. No news is... impossible. A miss is as good as a... Mr. You can't teach an old dog new... math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning. Love all, trust... me. The pen is mightier than the... pigs. An idle mind is... the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's... pollution. A penny saved is... not much. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose. None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fillin-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _______." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"