THE ASSEMBLY ASSEMBLY

CAST:

Mrs Muggins (class teacher)

Mr Wolf (head teacher)
Narrators 1 – 4
Pupil 1 – 9
Megan (pupil)
Julie (pupil)
Matthew (pupil)
Lena (pupil)
Harry (pupil)
Aaron (pupil)
Louise (pupil)
Dotty (pupil)
George (pupil)
Charlie (pupil)
Tommy (pupil)
Jamie (pupil)
Olivia (pupil)
Jamie’s mum

SCENE 1: In front of curtain – low lights.

(MUSIC: OMINOUS)

N1: Prepare for an apocalyptic event filled with anxiety, despair and horror.

N2: That’s right! It’s the event that strikes fear into the hearts of teachers and their
poor pupils.

N3: But what could it be, you must be thinking? Surely they are being melodramatic!

N4: No they’re not, because….it’s time for their class assembly.

(MUSIC: DAH, DAH, DAH!)

N3: Hey, I thought we weren’t doing melodrama!

OFF STAGE: Sorry!

N5: The following play is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and events are
products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or
dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

SCENE 2: Curtain back – Mrs Muggins (Mrs M) is sitting in class, marking a pile of
books with a coffee mug next to her.

Mrs M: (Throwing books) Rubbish…awful…give me strength…not bad…not good…cat-

as-trophic… (she sighs and puts her feet up on the desk).

(Headteacher, Mr Wolf, enters the classroom)

Mrs M: Heads up, look busy! It’s the Big Bad Wolf!

Mr Wolf: Mrs Muggins, I need a quick word!

Mrs M: (standing up with her mug of coffee) Oh, good afternoon, Mr Wolf. Ooh, I
know, how about swift or speedy? Anything else I can help you with?

Mrs Wolf: Mrs Muggins, I hope you haven’t forgotten…

Mrs M: Forgotten...? Nah, of course not. I’m like an elephant, me!

Mr Wolf: You mean you never forget?

Mrs M: Nope…I’ve got humungous ears (she pulls out her ears and trumpets like an
elephant)

Mr Wolf: Yes, very funny Mrs Muggins – all the better to hear me with, eh? Look,
next week is the last week of term and you do know it’s your class’s assembly on
Thursday morning, don’t you?

Mrs M: (visibly panicking) WHAT? Oh, yes, err, of course I do. Only a complete idiot
would forget that!

Mr Wolf: Yes…quite.

Mrs M: Don’t worry, Mr Wolf, it’s all taken care of. The Year 6 assembly is in safe
hands (she drops her mug).

Mr Wolf: Yes, I can see that. How…delightful. I shall look forward to it (he leaves).

(Mrs Muggins holds her head in her hands)

Mrs M: This is a disaster. I’ve got nothing planned. What am I gonna do? (She
thinks for a few moments) Got it! There has to be something on the internet I can
download, change a bit, and pretend I wrote it…! Come on, I can do this!

Scene 3: In class with children present

Mrs M: Good morning year 6.

ALL: Good morning Mrs Muggins.

Mrs M: I’ve got some superbly wonderful news for you.

Pupil 1: Are you moving to Australia, Miss?

Mrs M: (dismissive) No, no, better than that.

Pupil 2: Have SATs been cancelled?

Mrs M: One can dream, Frankie, one can dream…

Pupil 3: What is it then?

Mrs M: Next Thursday, is our…wait for it…CLASS ASSEMBLY!

All: Yay, Hurray, whoop-whoop (etc)!

Pupil 4: What’s it going to be about, Mrs Muggins?

Mrs M: Well, I’ve written (winks to audience) this fantastic assembly about the
Ancient Greeks.

Pupil 5: But we’re learning about The Vikings, Mrs M!

Mrs M: Yes, yes, but I couldn’t find a script on the internet about the Vikings.

Megan: I thought you said you wrote it.

Mrs M: Ahem! Wrote it, downloaded it - same thing.

Megan: I’ll remember that for our next homework assignment, Miss!

Mrs M: Make sure you do, Megan, make sure you do. Copy and paste are a
teacher’s best friends – apart from Sauvignon and Blanc, of course!

Megan: What’s savvy onion and donk?

Mrs M: Errr…a type of fruit salad. Anyway, auditions will be tomorrow afternoon
straight after lunch.

Julie: But we have PE then, Mrs Muggins, are we doing this instead.

Mrs M: (Big grin on face) Yes, we are!

Julie: But I like PE, Mrs Muggins.

Mrs M: Well, that makes one of us, Julie. Here is the line you will need to learn if you
want to audition. Good luck! (Mrs muggins hands out slips of paper)

Scene 4: Auditions in class

Mrs M: OK, luvvies! It’s time to audition. Who would like to go first? (Several
children put their hands up). OK, up you come, Matthew.

Matthew: Can’t I do it from here?

Mrs M: Nope. Come up and stand in front of the class.

Matthew: But I don’t want to.

Mrs M: Why ever not?

Matthew: I’m too embarrassed.

Mrs M: Well, if you can’t do it in front us, what chance have you got doing it in front
of the whole school?

Matthew: I’ve changed my mind. Can I just do the “thank-you” bit at the end!

Mrs M: Yes, OK, Matthew, your parents will be so proud. So who would like to have
a go (children put their hands up)? Up you come, Lena. When you’re ready.

Lena: (dull and monotone). My name is Hercules, son of King Arthur…

Mrs M: (interrupting) Come on Lena. Give it a bit more expression. A bit more
oomph!

Lena: (dull and monotone again). My name is Hercules, son of King Arthur…
Harry: Mrs Muggins, I don’t think that’s right. I’m pretty sure Hercules was the son
of Zeus. And anyway, the correct Greek name is Heracles. It was the Romans who
called him Hercules, not the Greeks.

Mrs M: (sighing) Who’s the teacher here, Harry?

Harry: You Miss… (whispering) allegedly.

Mrs M: Well wind ya neck in then! Come on, Lena, we need some more energy, you
sound half asleep, we don’t want the audience joining you. Try again…

Lena: (dull and monotone again). My name is Hercules, son of King Arthur…

Mrs M: Give me strength! Ok, Lena good try. We’ll be in touch! NEXT (children put
up their hands)! Come on Peter, you give it a go!

Peter: (brilliantly) My name is Hercules, son of King Arthur, husband of Delilah and
by the power of grayskull I shall vanquish the evil wizards and complete my twelve
chores, including the washing up…

Harry: Mrs Muggins…?

Mrs M: (angrily) Shut it, Harry! Peter that was marvellous – what an audition. The
part is yours if you want it!

Peter: Great…but..um…I’m going on holiday next week so I won’t be here.

Mrs M: What? But what about your education? You’ll be missing school.

Peter: Yeah, I know, but my mum says we don’t learn nothing in the last week
anyway.

Mrs M: (under her breath) You don’t learn anything any week.

Peter: What was that?

Mrs M: I said I hope you have a lovely week. But, hold on, WHY did you audition in
the first place, Peter?

Peter: Didn’t wanna be left out, Miss.

Mrs M: Why me? WHY ME? OK. Back to the drawing board. NEXT!

(lights fade out)

Scene 5: Rehearsals

Mrs M: Right, kidoodles, you’ve had three days to learn your lines so let’s go. You’re
first Annie.

Annie: (stands up) Welcome to Year 6’s class assembly. (Looks puzzled) Why do I
need to say this, Mrs M?

Mrs M: (annoyed) What do you mean, Annie, (jabbing the script), it’s in the script.

Annie: Yeah, I know that, but everyone knows we’re year 6 and the fact we are in the
hall and on the stage would suggest this is our assembly.

Mrs M: What is your point, Annie?

Annie: It just seems silly. It would be like my mum saying “welcome to Jenny’s
house” every time I walked through the door.

Mrs M: Doesn’t she then?

Annie: Of course she doesn’t.

Mrs M: Look, it’s traditional, so just do it OK?

Annie: (sighing) Fine. Welcome to Year 6’s class assembly - if you hadn’t already
figured that out for yourselves.

Mrs M: Close enough! Aaron, you’re next.

Aaron: We have not been learning all about the Ancient Greeks.

Mrs M: Stop, stop. That’s not what it says in the script.

Aaron: I know, Mrs Muggins, but you said we should never tell lies and we haven’t
been learning all about the Ancient Greeks so it would be a lie to say we have.

Mrs M: Geez, Louise.

Louise: Yes, Miss?

Mrs M: No, not you dear, sorry. Aaron, just say the line. It’s only a play and you are
allowed to lie in plays.

Aaron: Is that true, Mrs Muggins?

Mrs M: Would I lie to you Aaron?

Aaron: I dunno. Is this a play?

Mrs M: Errrr (looks at the audience)…no?

Aaron: Oh, OK, ahem! We have been learning all about the Ancient Greeks (he does
an exaggerated wink)

Mrs M: Thank-you Aaron. Next. (Dotty stands up)

Dotty: We...we…we…we…

Mrs M: Do you need the toilet, Dotty?

Dotty: No, Miss.

Mrs M: Well, get on with it then.

Dotty: I can’t.

Mrs M: Why not?

Dotty: I haven’t learnt my lines yet.

Mrs M: But you’ve only got four words to learn.

Dotty: I just haven’t had the time to learn them.

Mrs M: In the last three days, you have not had the time to learn FOUR WORDS?

Dotty: No, I haven’t. I’ve been too busy.

Mrs M: Doing what?

Dotty: Well I had to catch up on Love Island, we went to McDonalds for dinner, erm
and I had to go on my phone a lot and…

Mrs M: Enough! That’s quite enough, Dotty. OK. Repeat after me.

Mrs M: We…(she says nothing)…WE…WEEEEE!!

Dotty: Do you need the toilet, Miss?

Mrs M: (getting annoyed) SAY WHAT I SAY, DOTTY. We…

Dotty: We..

Mrs M: Have…
Dotty: Have…

Mrs M: Enjoyed…

Dotty: Enjoyed…

Mrs M: It…

Dotty: It…

Mrs M: Hallelujah!

Dotty: Hallelujah!

Mrs M: You can stop now!

Dotty: You can stop now!

Mrs M: STOP!

Dotty: STOP!

Mrs M: This could go on for hours, Dotty. Just sit down (she sits down looking
confused). Who’s next?

George: Me, Mrs Muggins.

Mrs M: Go on then, George.

George: (starts speaking before he stands up and sits down before he finishes) The
Ancient Greeks had great big bushy beards!

Mrs M: No, no, no! Stand, then speak, then sit. Try again. (George stands and says
nothing) NOW SPEAK!

George: The Ancient Greeks had great big bushy beards! (He now doesn’t sit)

Mrs M: NOW SIT, GEORGE! Next!

Charlie: (So quiet nobody can hear) The Ancient Greeks believed in lots of different
gods.

Mrs M: Far too quiet, Charlie. Only dogs could hear that. Try again.

Charlie: (Too quiet again) The Ancient Greeks believed in lots of different gods.
Mrs M: (Moaning) Charlie, what’s going on? You are one of the loudest pupils in my
class.

Charlie: (Loud/normal voice) Oh, that’s different, Miss. I’m chatting to my mates
when I’m in class!

Mrs M: That’s it! Do it like that, using that voice. Go!

Charlie: (Too quiet again) The Ancient Greeks believed in lots of different gods.

Mrs M: Agghh! NEXT!

Tommy: (stands) The Ancient Greeks had massive orange spots!

Mrs M: No, Tommy, NO! Massive pots. MASSIVE…POTS. Do you know what, year
6? I’ve had just about as much as I can take of this. As far as I’m concerned Mr Wolf
can stick…(Mr Wolf comes on stage)

Mr Wolf: Is everything alright, Mrs Muggins? I could hear raised voices.

Mrs M: (Calming down immediately) Yes, everything is peachy, Mr Wolf. No

problems here. Rehearsals are going as smoothly as a greasy pig down a water slide!

Mr Wolf: (rubbing his belly) Mmmm, pigs! Ahem, glad to hear it. I really don’t want
a sleepless Wednesday night.

Mrs M: Why, it’s not a full moon is it?

Mr Wolf: No, Mrs Muggins and I’m quite sure I don’t know what you mean. What I
don’t want is to be wide awake worrying about your assembly.

Mrs M: Well, Mr Wolf. You can sleep easy in your cave - I mean bed, cos everything
is perfect!

Mr Wolf: OK. As you were, Mrs Muggins (Mr Wolf leaves).

Mrs M: Right, Year 6. Let’s take it from the top. Annie?

(lights fade out)

Scene 6: The night before

Jamie: Mum…mum….MUM!

Mum: (walking on stage annoyed) Yes, Jamie. What are you shouting about?

Jamie: I’ve just remembered that I need a plain black T-shirt for my class assembly
tomorrow.

Mum: You are joking, right?

Jamie: Do I look like I’m joking?

Mum: So why have you waited until 8 o’clock at night on the day before the
assembly to give me this information?

Jamie: Why on Earth would I want to make life easy for you, mum?

Mum: Yes, why would you? (Thinks for a few seconds) give me a moment.

(She walks off stage and walks back on holding a black T-shirt – the audience can’t
see it has “I’m with stupid written on it”)

Mum: Here we go, this will have to do.

Jamie: You are joking, right?

Mum: Do I look like I’m joking?

Jamie: But I can’t wear that. Mrs Muggins will kill me! How can you do this?

Mum: Why on Earth would I want to make life easy for you, Jamie?

Jamie: (Sighing) Yes, why would you…?

(lights fade out)

Scene 6: The night before (again)

(Mrs Muggins is sitting at a table with an empty glass and empty bottle of Sauvignon
Blanc)

Mrs M: (distraught) What am I going to do? It’s a disaster. The kids don’t know
their lines; it’s too short; the song is ridiculous; it’s boring and no-one knows what
they’re doing! The parents are gonna lynch me. Mr Wolf is going to fire me…or eat
me! I will be the laughing stock of the school. (She cries and goes to pour out some
wine, but there’s none left). Oh, great, and now I’ve run out of fruit salad!

(lights fade out)

Scene 6: This morning (just before the play starts)

Mrs M: Right, Year 6, take your positions on the stage. (Children get into position)
the hoi polloi will be here in 5 minutes.

Pupil 6: Who’s the hoi polloi, Miss? (Mrs M gestures towards the audience). Oh,
right!

Jamie: (Rushing up the aisle and standing with back to the audience) sorry I’m late,
Miss.

Mrs M: You cannot be serious! Are you trying to wind me up, Jamie? (He turns to
reveal his T-shirt)

Jamie: I’m sorry, Miss. It was the only black T-shirt I had and my mum said…

Mrs M: Stop there, Jamie. You know how much I hate any excuse that starts with
the words ‘my mum’. Just get off stage and turn it inside out.

(Mr Wolf walks onto the stage)

Mr Wolf: Are you ready, Mrs Muggins. The parents are clawing at the door like
crazed zombies! You know how they like to get those front seats! (He points at the
parents in the front row)

Mrs M: Almost, Mr Wolf. Give me two minutes. Hold them back with a cattle prod if
you have to!

Mr Wolf: You have one minute, Mrs Muggins. I shall look forward to pretending
your assembly was amazing in my little speech at the end (he walks off).

Mrs M: OK. Where’s my main character? Where’s David?

Pupil 7: Oh, didn’t you know, Miss? He’s off sick today with a sore throat.

Mrs M: A sore throat? A SORE THROAT? I’ll give him a sore throat the next time I
see him. Right think quickly! Does anyone else know David’s lines?
Olivia: I think I do, Miss. I helped him learn them during lunchtimes.

Mrs M: Thank goodness. Olivia, you are a total legend. Grab the sword and take
your position. Dotty, you say Olivia’s line. You’re a quick learner!

Dotty: Very funny, Miss.

Jamie: (Comes back on stage. T-shirt inside out, but label at the front) Is this OK,
Miss?

Mrs M: You could have put the label at the back, Jamie. Never mind, there’s no time
now. Just sit down.

Pupil 8: Look, there’s my mum and dad (he starts waving at his parents)!

Pupil 9: Uh oh, my mum’s brought my baby brother...he’s only 3 months old…I can
hear him crying from here.

Mrs M: (looks at the audience) OK, kidoodles. It’s time. No fidgeting. No chatting.
No nose-picking …yes, I am looking at you Matthew! Make me proud, Year 6, this is
the moment we have all been waiting for... (She walks off stage and shouts from the
wings) ACTION!

(lights fade out – THE END? – children take up positions for the song and perform the
song – see below)

Matthew: (Shouting after the clapping) Hey, hold on. Ahem. Thank-you for watching
our class assembly.

THE ASSEMBLY ASSEMBLY SONG

1. Let’s stand in a line with our hands on our hips,

If we don’t know the words then we’ll just move our lips,
Our beautiful singing will fill up the room,
Just ignore the foghorn who always sings out of tune.

CHORUS: This is the obligatory assembly song,

It’ll a kill a few more minutes cos the play isn’t long,
This is the obligatory assembly song,
It’ll make you forget all the things that went wrong.
 2. I wonder how much longer we can drag this song out,
Before all the Year 4s start to mess about,
Having to sing quite loud is a definite maybe,
We’ll need to drown out the noise of that screaming baby.
CHORUS:
3. You probably hated this assembly sitting there on sore bums,
But, we’ve been practising it for weeks rather than doing our sums,
All that wasted time for 20 minutes of dross,
If you wanna make a complaint, take it up with the boss.
CHORUS:
4. You’re looking pretty bored and want this song to end,
But we still have a few more tricks to play my friend,
A dancing interlude could be one of our crimes,
Or we could repeat the chorus a hundred more times,

CHORUS x 3