microsoft jokes

if ford built cars the way microsoft build software, we would all be driving aircraft
carriers

there was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a
great writer. when asked to define great, he said, "i want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" he now works for
microsoft writing error messages.

the classically minded among us may have noted a new tv ad for microsoft's
internet explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "confutatis
maledictis" from mozart's requiem. "where do you want to go today?" is the cheery
line on the screen while the chorus sings "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus
addictis."

an approximate translation from the latin is: "the damned and accursed are
convicted to the flames of hell."

tokyo, japan march 16 - a japanese electronics company has announced its own
computer operating system, now available on its hot new portable pc called the
vaio. instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of microsoft's
windows and dos systems, the new system will draw from the japanese culture.

a spokesperson said: "we intend to capture the high ground by putting a human
japanese face on what has been until now-an operating system that reflects
western cultural hegemony. for example we have replaced the impersonal and
unhelpful microsoft error messages with our own japanese haiku
poetry."

the haiku messages are just as informative as microsoft's and they make you
pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through
the screen.

the company has released some examples:

a file that big?

it might be very useful. you seek a web site.
but now it is gone. it cannot be located.
countless more exist. stay the patient course.
of little worth is your ire.
chaos reigns within. the network is down.
stop reflect and reboot.
order shall return. a crash reduces
your expensive computer
aborted effort: to a simple stone.
close all that you have worked on.
you ask way too much. three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
yesterday it worked which has occurred?
today it is not working
windows are like that. you step in the stream
but the water has moved on.
first snow then silence. page not found.
this thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully. out of memory.
we wish to hold the whole sky
with searching comes loss. but we never will.
the presence of absence.
"june_sales.doc" not found. having been erased
the document you are seeking
the tao that is seen seeks to be re-typed.
is not the true tao
until you bring fresh toner.
serious error.
windows nt crashed. screen. mind.
the blue screen of death. both are blank.
no one hears your screams.

microsoft beggar 1.0a

microsoft corporation chair bill gates announced yesterday the introduction of a

new product for windows 95: microsoft beggar.

"the idea came to me the other day, when a homeless man asked me for money,"
recalls gates. "i suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. here
was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. naturally,
this man then became the competition, so i had my limo driver run over him a few
times."

microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete gates' vision
of panhandling for the 21st century. "we feel that our program designers really
understand how the poor and needy situation works," says microsoft homeless
product leader bernard liu. "except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

microsoft beggar will be automatically installed with windows 98. at random

intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so
that microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.

"this is a little lie," admits software engineer adam miller," since our diet consists
of coke and twinkies, but what beggar doesn't embellish the truth a little?"

the user can click [yes], in which case a random amount of change (between $.05
and $142.50) is transferred from the user's bank account to microsoft's. the user
can also respond [no], in which case the program politely tells the user to have a
nice day.

the [no] button has yet to be implemented. "we're experiencing a little trouble
programming the [no] button," bernard liu says, "but we should definitely have it
up and running within the next couple of years. or at least by the time windows
2014 comes out. maybe."

gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "be on the lookout for
the beta versions of new products like microsoft mugging, which either takes $50
or erases your hard drive, and microsoft squigee guy, which will clean up your
windows for a dollar."

apparently, when microsoft squigee guy 1.0 ships, probably next june, windows 98
will no longer automatically refresh your screen display. not that it does now! but
there are competitors on the horizon. sun microsystems and oracle corporation are
introducing panhandling products of their own.

"when you talk about gates, the wheel is spinning but the hamster's gone, if you
get my drift," says oracle head honcho and 3rd degree black belt larry ellison. "i
mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. you'll
have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
tamagotchi
microsoft sues bandai over tamagotchi redmond wa, thursday (ap).

microsoft (msft) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against tomagotchi

maker, bandai. microsoft is claiming that the tomagotchi (the japanese electronic
pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of its intellectual property.

microsoft spokesperson, erik loregard stated "software that needs constant, even
hourly attention, or else it dies? sounds like windows 95 to me. this is clearly an
infringment on our technology".

the bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.

microsoft automobile
bill gates once commented that if auto companies had embraced progress like
computer companies, everyone would be able to buy a vehicle for $25, and get
1000 miles per gallon.

the md of gm, when confronted with this, retorted "that may be so, but who wants
to crash twice a day?"

stung by this, bill gates has announced a new microsoft development - hopefully,
as he put it, "moving in a new direction"

originally intended to be called the 'auto 1.0', the new vehicle will now be called
'auto 2001' and will hit the streets in 2002. or soon after.

auto 2001 boasts some unique new features; every time they repaint the lines on
the road, you'll have to buy a new model.

if you choose to drive the auto 2001, rather than simply admire the workmanship,
you may find that the engine just dies, for no apparent reason. maybe several
times a day, usually when in heavy traffic, or medium or light traffic. whatever.
"this is perfectly normal," say microsoft "all you need to do is restart it. we're
confident that millions of people will just accept this."

the oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car fault" warning light, a sophisticated new development. "new features
like this have really excited the media," smiled jim watson, microsoft's man in the
showroom, "despite the fact that similar features have been available in other
companies' products for years"

our reporter suggested that rivals were far ahead, such as sun motor systems'
'solar auto', powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast, but mr.
watson was not impressed: "that will only run on 5% of the roads" he claimed.

one definite weakness in the beta version was that there was only room for one
person at a time: microsoft will be launching an 'nt' version to get around this.
someday.

bill gates believes that his will be the first auto maker for years to pay money to
the government, instead of accepting subsidies "so it's not unreasonable to insist
that we all switch to microsoft gas."

star trekking ...

somewhere, in a galaxy far, far away, the starship enterprise encountered the
borg. after announcing a red alert, picard prepared to unleash plan 9:

"mr. laforge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness
in the borg? and mr. data, have you been able to access their command
pathways?"

"yes, captain." replied geordi, "in fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology." geordi presses a
key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

riker looks puzzled. "what the hell is 'microsoft'?"

data turns to answer. "allow me to explain, commander. we will send this program,
for some reason called 'windows', through the borg command pathways. once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources,
gradually at first, but increasing at an exponential rate."

picard cuts in "but the borg have the ability to adapt. won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"yes, captain." said data, "but when microsoft detects spare capacity, it creates a
new version of 'windows' known as an upgrade. the use of resources increases
each time. nothing can adapt quickly enough to keep ahead, not even the borg.
eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be
available for their normal operational functions, like taking over the universe."

[... 157 minutes later ...]

"captain," reports data "we have successfully installed the 'windows' in the
command unit and, as expected, it has consumed 85% of all resources. however,
we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade."

"our scanners have picked up an increase in borg storage and cpu capacity to
compensate" added mr worf, "but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
absorb this increase."

[... 15 minutes later ...]

"sir, i have scanned the history banks again and believe i have found the a reason
for the failure in the upgrade" said data "apparently, the borg have circumvented
that part of the plan by not sending in something called a 'registration card'."

"captain, we have no choice. said riker, preparing to run away. "request permission
to begin emergency escape sequence 3f ..."

"wait, captain" geordi interrupts "their cpu capacity has dropped to 1.2%! and it's
still falling"

"appearently the borg have found the internal 'windows' module named 'solitaire',"
added data, "and it has used up all the cpu capacity."

"as expected, the borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased
cpu and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, our
closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more 'windows' modules from
something called the 'microsoft fun-pack'." explained worf.

"current borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of six more
hours." confirmed data. "captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"it appears to have markings very similar to the 'microsoft' logo..." said worf

"this is admiral bill gates of the microsoft flagship 'monopoly'. we have identified
the borg vessel as a user of unregistered software. you can leave the borg to us,
enterprise; we'll have them tied up in law suits for two hundred years."

lost in space?
a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane was coming into seattle airport
through thick fog when his instruments went out. so he began circling around
looking for landmark. after a while, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the
passengers are getting very nervous. finally, a small opening in the fog appears
and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

the pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy
"excuse me, where am i?"

to this, the solitary office worker replies "you're in an aeroplane." the pilot rolls up
the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind
landing on the runway of the airport five miles away.

afterwards, a passenger approaches the pilot, and asks how he knew where to find
the runway. the pilot replies: "the answer the man gave me was 100% correct, but
absolutely useless, so i knew it had to be the microsoft customer support building."
bill gates' new house
the gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction
of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.......

bill: "there are a few issues we need to discuss."

contractor: "ah, you have our basic support option. calls are free for the first 90
days and $75 a call thereafter. okay?"

bill: "uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. we think its a little smaller than
we anticipated."

contractor: "yeah. some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date."

bill: "we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

contractor: "well, you have two options. you can purchase a new, larger living
room; or you can use a stacker."

bill: "stacker?"

contractor: "yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. by
stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs
on the table... etc. you leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

bill: "uh... i dunno... issue two is the light fixtures. the bulbs we brought with us
from our old home won't fit. the threads run the wrong way."

contractor: "oh! thats easy. those bulbs aren't plug and play. you'll have to upgrade
to the new bulbs."

bill: "and the electrical outlets? the holes are round, not rectangular. how do i fix
that?"
contractor: "just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

bill: "you're kidding!?"

contractor: "nope. its the only way."

bill: "[sigh] well... i have one last problem. sometimes, when have guests over,
someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. then the water pressure drops so
low that the showers don't work."

contractor: "that's a resource leakage problem. one fixture is failing to terminate

and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

bill: "and how do i fix that?"

contractor: "well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water
at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.
oh yeah - it might help to have the dishwasher replaced just in case."

bill: "that's the last straw. what kind of product are you selling me?"
contractor: "hey, nobody made you buy it."

bill: "and when will this be fixed?"

contractor: "oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near
the end of next year. actually it was due out this year, but we've had some
delays..."

billy's letter to santa

dear santa, how are you doing? i hope you've had a successful year and have
come up with a lot of interesting toys. it's really neat how you're able to do that
year after year. i guess that's how you stay number one in the christmas presents
business.
actually, i admire the way you run christmas. you really have a handle on it. you
find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person),
and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. it's an
impressive operation. i also like how you've got it to where when somebody says
"christmas presents," people automatically think santa claus. what a marketing
advantage.

best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about
your private life. it's just rumors. that's so neat. i think being at the north pole
helps. that was a good move. for example, when you're designing toys, only your
elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on
you and steal your ideas. and even if they do, you can always just let it out that
you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy
the other guy's stuff? also, other people who make christmas presents can't deliver
them like you can.

yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. you must get some great
discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out
their presents. very sharp. what i don't get is why you give away stuff. that's the
dumbest idea i've ever heard. i admit, its why you're number one- who could
compete with a deal like that? but it must make it hard to stay in business,
especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. you have to keep growing
or fail.

here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: give everybody at least
one battery-operated present at christmas, then you could make batteries and sell
them the rest of the year. it would create a demand: you give people something
and then sell them what they need to make it work.

another thing, about you coming down the chimney. that's so slow and inefficient.
and what about all the people who don't have chimneys, santa? i have one word
for you: windows. everybody has windows. that's about all i have to say. you're
probably wondering if i was good or bad this year, but i don't really like to talk
about my personal life, if that's o.k. (just out of curiosity: when you were a boy, did
any of the other kids call you a nerd?) anyway, i don't really have anything to ask
for. mostly i think up something to play with and then build it myself. i guess i'm
sort of like you-- i make my own toys.

best of luck,

billy gates (8)

error messages
microsoft has announced that it is going to sell advertising space in the error
messages that appear in windows98. acknowledging for the first time that the
average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several
times a day, microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable
opportunity to make an ad impression.

"we estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million
people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. we
will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising
message along with it," said microsoft marketing director nathan mirror.

the u.s. justice department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate
whether microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this
advertising by virtue of its monopolistic control over error messages.

afterlife
bill gates dies in a car accident. he finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by
saint peter.

"well, bill, i'm really confused on this call; i'm not sure whether to send you to
heaven or to hell. after all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in
almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly windows 95. i'm going to do
something i've never done before. in your case, i'm going to let you decide where
you want to go."

"well, what's the difference between the two?" asked bill

"i'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make your
decision."saint peter said

"fine." said bill, "let's try hell first."

so bill went to hell. it was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots
of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking
about. the sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. he was very pleased.
"this is great!" he told saint peter. "if this is hell, i really want to see heaven!"

heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps
and singing. it was nice, but not as enticing as hell. bill thought for a quick minute,
and made his decision.

"i think i'd prefer hell," he told st. peter.

"fine," retorted st. peter, "as you desire." so bill gates went to hell.

two weeks later, st. peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in hell. when he got there, he found bill, shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst hot flames in dark caves, being tortured by demons.

"how's everything going?" he asked bill.

"this is awful! this is nothing like the hell i visited two weeks ago!" bill responded,
his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "i can't believe this is happening!
what happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad
women playing in the water?????"

"that was the demo," replied saint peter.

sharpshooter
a microsoft software engineer went through army basic training. one day they are
out on the firing range, and the microsoft software engineer was having a heck of a
time hitting the target downrange.

shot after shot rang out, and the reports from downrange kept coming back a miss.
finally, the microsoft software engineer stood up, stuck his finger in the end of the
barrel and pulled the trigger. this of course had the effect of blowing his digit clean
off.

grimacing through his pain, the microsoft software engineer yelled down to the
target pit 'well, it is leaving this end just fine, the problem must be on your end!'

summit
god was fed up; enough is enough. in a crash of thunder, three influential humans:
bill clinton, boris yeltsin and bill gates were summoned to heaven for a meeting.
"the human race is a complete disappointment," god boomed. "you each have one
week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." with another crash of
thunder they found themselves back on earth.

clinton immediately called his cabinet. "i have good news and bad news," he
announced grimly. "the good news is that there is a god. the bad news is, god's
really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

in russia, yeltsin announced to parliament, "comrades, i have bad news and worse
news. the bad news is that we were wrong: there is a god after all. the worse news
is god's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

meanwhile, bill gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "i have good news and
better news. the good news is that god considers me one of the three most
influential men on earth," he beamed. "the better news is we don't have to fix the
bugs in windows 95."

think different
there were three programers from microsoft and three programers from apple that
met in a train station while getting ready to go to a meeting.
the three programers from microsoft went up and purchased three tickets for the
train ride. right behind them the three apple programers went up to the same
ticket window and bought one ticket.

the microsoft programers asked the apple programers how they were going to get
away with just one ticket. an apple programer said, "just watch us."

all six programers got on the train and the three apple programers went in the
bathroom. when the conductor came by, knocked on the bathroom door, and said,
"ticket please," one of the apple programers handed the conductor one ticket.

on the return trip home the microsoft programers said that was a neat idea and
went up to the ticket agent and bought one ticket. the apple programers did not
purchase any ticket at all. the microsoft programers asked the apple programers
how they were going to get away with no ticket. they responded, "just watch."

the microsoft programers went in the rest room just as the apple programers had
before. one apple programer then went to the door of the rest room, knocked, and
said, "ticket please."

new york--determined to circumvent justice department action forestalling the

release of his powerful new operating system, microsoft ceo and evil genius bill
gates dropped windows 98, coded into liquid form, into new york city's water
supply sometime this past weekend.

"excellent," said gates, watching his scheme unfold on a above: bill gates reveals
his sinister water-contamination plan to his legions of microsoft underlings. 30-foot
video screen deep within microsoft's redmond, wa, compound. "everything is going
exactly according to plan."

doctors say the risk to new yorkers who consume windows-tainted water is
considerable. "as little as three ounces of water can carry the entire windows 98
installer file into the drinker's cerebral cortex," said dr. terry braithwaite of new
york's mt. sinai hospital. "once this insidious operating system enters a person's
brain, it may take years to fully rebuild his or her original neurological
programming, and even then, old files can remain in their memories for years."

according to new york water commissioner glenn portnoy, the susquehanna and
catskill reservoirs were contaminated with the software in question late saturday
night, rendering 100 percent of the city's taps windows-compatible only. those
living in any of the city's five boroughs, portnoy said, are now at risk of having the
system installed in their bodies by drinking, cooking with, or even showering with
new york city water.

"residents of new york!" said gates in a televised address early monday morning.
"some of your neighbors, your friends, your own family members have not yet
joined us in operating within our glorious system. why not? is something affecting
their judgment? are they perhaps... thirsty?" above: the gatesignal looms over the
manhattan skyline.

"water," gates added. "the source of all life."

gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out, returning
televisions across new york to their regular programming with the push of a button.

justice department officials said they plan to come down hard on the software
giant for its latest controversial move. "not only is tampering with a major
metropolitan area's water supply illegal," u.s. attorney joel klein said, "but mass,
involuntary bio-installation of operating-system software is a gross violation of
federal antitrust law."

klein said microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival netscape from placing its
web browser in new york's reservoirs, an act he said may constitute a further
illegal monopolistic trade practice. if found guilty of dispatching winged microsoft
henchmen to block netscape's access to the reservoirs, microsoft may face fines of
up to $670 million.

gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the people of new
york via microsoft's windows 98 brainwave transmitter, saying, "command priority
reformat unit sub-klein-delete//delete: a-priority." klein's whereabouts are currently
unknown.
despite microsoft's tainting of their water supply, new yorkers seem relatively
unfazed. "there is nothing wrong with having windows 98 in my body," said a
glassy-eyed queens woman identifying herself as "7398473289348390-98.01."
"windows 98 is good. where do i want to go today, o gateslord?" added the woman:
"invalid sector error type -41."