What Are the Five Love Languages?

verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538

Verywell / Alison Czinkota

Love language is a concept that describes the ways that people receive and express love in
a relationship. Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours can
help you ensure you both feel loved and appreciated in your relationship.

Nearly everyone wants to show their partner that they care. Yet, many people struggle to
do it in a way that speaks to their loved one's heart. If you find that this describes your
situation, you may want to learn more about the five love languages, developed by author,
pastor, and counselor Dr. Gary Chapman.

Although Chapman's book, "The 5 Love Languages," was originally written in 1992, it
continues to help couples today, selling more than 12 million copies since it was first
published.

Before writing the book, Dr. Chapman spent years taking notes with couples he was
counseling when he recognized a pattern. He realized that couples were
misunderstanding one another and their needs. After going through his notes, he
discovered that there are five "love languages" that people may respond to.

Chapman's five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation

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Words of affirmation is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or
appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and
encouragement. They also enjoy uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You
can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.

Quality Time
For those who identify with quality time as their love language, love and affection are
expressed through undivided attention. This means putting down the cell phone, turning
off the tablet, making eye contact, and actively listening. Make sure that you make eye
contact, affirm what they're saying, and refrain from offering advice.

People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity. They feel loved if you
are present and focused on them when you are together.

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Physical Touch
A person with this love language feels loved through physical affection. Aside from sex,
those who have physical touch as their primary love language feel loved when their
partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the
day, for example.

Their idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a
good movie. They simply want to be close to their partner physically.

Acts of Service
For acts of service, a person feels loved and appreciated when someone does nice things
for them, such as helping with the dishes, running errands, vacuuming, or putting gas in
the car. They love when people do little things for them and often can be found doing
these acts of service for others.

Receiving Gifts
Gift-giving is symbolic of love and affection for someone with this love language. They
treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.

They also do not necessarily expect large or expensive gifts; it's more what is behind the
gift that appeals to them. In other words, when you take the time to pick out a gift
specifically for them, it tells them you really know them.

People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received
from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

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Identify Your Love Language

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If or when you're in a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

Tells you "I love you" or praises something you did?

Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
Goes on a weekend trip with just the two of you?
Runs the errands or does the laundry?
Holds your hand while you're walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be.
According to Chapman's book, you could also try to recall what sorts of things you ask for
in your relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

It's unlikely your partner's love language is the same as yours. When couples have
different primary languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your
partner learns to speak your love language, they often feel loved and appreciated and
ultimately happier in the relationship.

Take the Quiz

If you are wondering what your love language is, try taking Dr. Chapman's 30-question
quiz to see which one is your dominant type.

How Love Languages Benefit Relationships

We all express and receive love differently. Consequently, understanding those differences
can make a serious impact on your relationship. In fact, according to Dr. Chapman, this
exercise is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some ways
that understanding love languages can improve your relationship.

Promotes Selflessness

When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are focused on
their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Dr. Chapman's theory.
Couples should work to learn their partner's love language rather than trying to convince
their partner to learn theirs.

Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other. But
the entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your
partner in a way that is meaningful to them.

Creates Empathy
As someone learns more about how their partner experiences love, they learn to
empathize with them. It helps them step outside of themselves for a moment and take a
look at what makes another person feel significant and loved. Instead of speaking their
own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their
partner understands.

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When couples are committed to learning and utilizing the love languages, they increase
their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own.

Maintains Intimacy
If couples regularly talk about what keeps their love tanks full, this creates more
understanding—and ultimately intimacy—in their relationship. They not only learn more
about one another, but they also connect with one another in deeper and more
meaningful ways. When this happens, their relationship begins to feel more intimate.

Aids Personal Growth

When someone is focused on something or someone outside of themselves, it can lead to
personal growth. Too often people are encouraged and incentivized to be self-absorbed
and unaware of anyone or anything outside of themselves. But because Dr. Chapman's
five love languages require people to love others in ways that may be outside their comfort
zone, they are forced to grow and change.

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Shares Love in Meaningful Ways

When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for their
partners not only become more intentional but they also become more meaningful. Part
of this has to do with the fact that they are saying "I love you" in ways that make sense to
their partner, and when they do that, their partners feel content and happy.

Love Languages in Everyday Life

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to your relationships with your kids,
your co-workers, and even your friends. For example, your child may have words of
affirmation as their primary love language, and so they'd like to hear verbal praise or "I
love you." A co-worker may feel more appreciated in one way than another.

Your love language also can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at
work, you may prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word. The key
is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to keep their love tank full.
Then, put into practice exactly what your partner needs.

Criticisms of the Love Language Theory

Though love languages help many people learn how to communicate better with their
partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many People Misuse the Languages

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Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually add
strain to a relationship. For instance, partners might start keeping track of all the times
they use their partner's love language and compare it to how many times their partner
used theirs.

While love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, they
shouldn't be used as a game or a weapon against your partner. Some partners may
continue to use their own language (instead of their partner's) to show that they care—and
that's OK.

The idea isn't that you can't be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't share your love
language. Instead, try to be understanding and open; you can recognize and appreciate
your partner’s actions even if they don’t perfectly match with your own language.1

They Don't Fix Other Relationship Problems

The five love languages won't fix all of your relationship issues; they are simply one tool of
many you can use to help communication in your relationship.

Research has shown that couples who used each other's love languages felt the happiest
within their relationships when they also used self-regulation tools to handle their own
emotions.2

So, while the love languages were a tool, the couples' accountability for their emotions and
behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness. You need more than
just one tool for a successful relationship.

Your love language can change as well—it's important to accept and expect that you and
your partner's love language may change over time, especially during life stressors or
major changes like having children.1

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They May Lead to Pressure on Partners

Many people talk about love languages as they're used within committed relationships or
marriage. It's important to remember that learning and understanding your own love
language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your
love language to you.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other's love
languages was that, oftentimes, the recipient didn't even recognize that their partner was
trying to use their love language.1

So it's crucial that the recipient recognizes their partner's efforts, even if they don't exactly
meet expectations.

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They Perpetuate Heteronormativity
Chapman’s original model focuses on heterosexual couples even though the theory can
apply to any partnership regardless of their sexual orientation.1

If you're reading "The 5 Love Languages"and you aren't in a heterosexual relationship or

you aren't heteronormative, it might feel frustrating to be excluded from the text.
Remember, though, that the tools in this book can be used by anyone who wants to
practice them.

A Word From Verywell

Once you and your partner know each other's love language, you both can benefit.
Speaking your partner's love language may take a little bit of effort and intention,
especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships aren't born,
they're developed through attention and effort.

The good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning your partner's love
language and putting it into practice. And, if you both are committed to loving one
another in the ways that speaks to the other, you will find yourself not only deeper in love,
but also in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the love languages of children?

In 1997, Dr. Chapman wrote a book with Dr. Ross Campbell about how the five love
languages can apply to children as well.3 There is a quiz that a child aged 9 to 12 can
take to find out which one they resonate with. Children younger than 9 can complete
an activity, which is outlined on the Five Love Languages website.

How can I tell my partner's love language?

The easiest way to determine your partner's love language is to have them take Dr.
Chapman's quiz. Additionally, Dr. Chapman's book recommends you might also
consider what they ask for or do most in a relationship. Do they frequently bring you
thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This could be a hint as to what their love
language might be.

Are You In a Healthy Relationship?

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