What Is Emotional Validation

What Is Emotional Validation?
verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336
Emotional validation involves understanding and showing acceptance for another

person's feelings. When people receive this type of validation, they feel that their emotions
are not only seen and heard by others but that these feelings are also accepted.
If a person feels that their thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not heard and understood,
they may be left feeling isolated and unsupported. In some cases, emotional invalidation
may even contribute to the onset of psychological conditions including borderline
personality disorder (BPD).
Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing

acceptance of another person’s emotional experience. Emotional validation is
distinguished from emotional invalidation, in which another person’s emotional
experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged.
Validating an emotion does not mean that you agree with the other person or that you
think their emotional response is warranted. Rather, you communicate to them that you
understand what they are feeling without trying to talk them out of the feeling or shame
them for the feeling.
Validation can come from other people, but it can also come from the individual
themselves. Self-validation involves recognizing and accepting your own thoughts and
feelings.
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Why Validation Is Important
Emotional validation plays a number of important roles. Some of the benefits include:
Communicating acceptance: When you validate someone's emotions, you are

showing that you care about and accept them for who they are.1
Strengthening relationships: People who show each other acceptance are able
to feel more connected and build stronger relationships.
Showing value: When you validate someone's emotions, you are showing them
that they are important to you.
Better emotional regulation: When people feel that others hear and understand
them, it can help lessen the intensity of strong emotions. This can be particularly
important when it comes to strong negative or distressing feelings. Some research
suggests that offering people emotional validation may help them better regulate
their emotions.2
Consequences of Emotional Invalidation

Emotional invalidation can have a number of negative consequences in terms of
psychological, behavioral, and emotional health. Some of the damaging effects of this
invalidation include:
Problems with a person's sense of identity: Emotional invalidation

undermines the sense of self. When people feel that their personality characteristics,
thoughts, and behaviors are not accepted, they may develop low self-esteem or a
poor sense of self.
Difficulty managing emotions: Invalidation tells people that what they are
feeling or the way that they are expressing those feelings is wrong. It can lead people
to feel that they cannot trust their emotions, which can make it hard to regulate
those feelings.
Mental health problems: Emotional invalidation may also contribute to mental
health conditions including depression and anxiety. Invalidation can make people
feel that their thoughts and feelings don't matter to others. Invalidation, including
self-invalidation, can also make it more difficult to recover from mental health
disorders.
A few dominant psychological theories of borderline personality disorder (BPD) assert

that many people with BPD did not receive sufficient emotional validation over the course
of their development (see also “emotionally invalidating environment”), which may be
one factor in the development of the emotional dysregulation that is characteristic of the
disorder.3
Individuals with BPD can have very strong emotional responses to events that seem
minor to outside observers. As a result, people with BPD frequently experience emotional
invalidation—that is, others react to their emotions as if those emotions are not valid or
reasonable.
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How Do You Validate Emotions?
There are some things that you can do to make sure that you are validating the emotions
of others effectively. Improving this skill can not only improve your relationships with
others, it can also help you learn how to validate your own thoughts and feelings.
Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion
When you validate an emotional response, the first step is to acknowledge the emotion
that the other person is having. This can be hard if the other person has not clearly
communicated their feelings, so you may have to either ask them what they are feeling, or
guess and then ask them if you are right.
Imagine that your loved one is angry with you. You come home from work, and they are
behaving angrily (even if they are not explicitly stating it).
If your loved one has already communicated that they are feeling angry, for example, you
can just acknowledge that they are feeling that way: “I understand you are angry.”
If they haven’t communicated this, but they seem angry, you might say, “You seem really
angry. Is that what’s going on?”
Acknowledge the Source of the Emotion

The next step is to identify the situation or cue that triggered the emotion. Ask the person
what is causing their response. For example, you might say, “What is it that is making you
feel that way?”
Your loved one may or may not be able to communicate this clearly. They may not even
understand what is going on, or they may be unwilling to articulate what triggered the
emotion.
In this case, you may just need to acknowledge that something seems to be making them
upset, and that you’d like to know what’s going on, but that it’s difficult to without a clear
sense of the situation.
Validate the Emotion

Imagine that your loved one is able to communicate the source of their emotion: They
respond that they are angry because you are 15 minutes late coming home from work.
Perhaps to you, their level of anger seems unwarranted given the situation. You can still
validate their feelings by communicating that you accept what they are feeling (even if you
don’t follow their reasoning).
For example, you might just say, “I know you are feeling angry because I was 15 minutes
late coming home. It was not my intention to anger you; I was stuck in traffic. But I can
see that waiting for me made you upset.”
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You do not need to apologize for your behavior if you don’t feel you did anything wrong.
By acknowledging the feelings your loved one is having, you may actually diffuse the
situation.
Validating Statements
"I can see how you would feel that way."
"That must be really hard."
"I feel the same way."
"How frustrating!"
"I bet you're frustrated."
"I'm here for you."
Invalidating Statements
"What's the big deal?"
"You should feel lucky."
"You are too sensitive."
"Don't be such a wimp."
"If you hadn't done that it wouldn't have happened."
"I don't want to hear it."
Special Considerations
There are also other things that you can do to help people feel comfortable sharing their
emotions and more accepted when they do.
Consider your body language: Make sure that your posture is open and
comfortable. Turn to the other person and avoid body signals that might convey
rejection, such as crossed arms and avoiding eye contact.
Express empathy: Even if the emotion isn't something you necessarily
understand, show that you care about what the other person is feeling.
Ask questions: Follow up on what the other person has said by asking questions to
clarify what they mean. Asking questions shows that you are listening and trying to
understand what the other person is saying.
Avoid blaming: Focus on showing support. Don't try to look for external sources
to blame for the other person's emotions or blame them for the situation.
Things to Remember
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Keep in mind that validating someone’s emotions does not mean that you resign yourself
to being treated poorly. If your loved one is behaving inappropriately or aggressively,
removing yourself from the situation is your best option.
Tell them that you want to be able to talk with them about the situation, but that you can’t
do that productively until they can communicate with you more calmly, so you’ll return
later when it seems like the right time.
It is also important to keep in mind that validating your loved one’s emotion usually will
not make the emotion go away. It may diffuse the situation, and it will rarely make the
situation worse, but that doesn’t mean your loved one is going to feel better right away.
Encourage your loved one to reach out for professional help if they are struggling with
emotional problems or if they are experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition.
Remember that it is not your job to make the feeling go away, although you may choose to
be supportive. Rather, acknowledging and validating the person may help them to find
their own way to regulate the emotion.
A Word From Verywell

Emotional validation is an important tool that can improve your interpersonal
communication and relationships. Fortunately, it is a skill you can learn and work to
improve with practice.
Accepting Emotions When You Have BPD Will Improve Your Health
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What Is Emotional Validation

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What Is Emotional Validation

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What Is Emotional Validation?

Emotional validation involves understanding and showing acceptance for another

Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing

Communicating acceptance: When you validate someone's emotions, you are

Consequences of Emotional Invalidation

Problems with a person's sense of identity: Emotional invalidation

A few dominant psychological theories of borderline personality disorder (BPD) assert

Identify and Acknowledge the Emotion

Acknowledge the Source of the Emotion

Validate the Emotion

"That must be really hard."

"I feel the same way."

"I bet you're frustrated."

"I'm here for you."

"You should feel lucky."

"You are too sensitive."

"Don't be such a wimp."

"If you hadn't done that it wouldn't have happened."

"I don't want to hear it."

A Word From Verywell

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