Anger

Worksheets
Exercises and
Coping Skills to
Help Manage
Your Anger

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The Anger Iceberg
Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion. It’s thought that we
subconsciously shift into anger to protect ourselves from more vulnerable,
uncomfortable emotions such as fear and sadness.

Whereas anger provides us with a surge of energy and can help us feel
powerful, fear and sadness are more difficult for us to sit with and express.

The Anger Iceberg represents this psychological phenomenon. Although

anger is what we see on the surface, there’s often a range of emotions
hidden underneath.

Hateful
Rage Critical

Irritated Anger Hostile

Aggressive Annoyed
Frustrated Violated

Fear Sadness Shame

Grief
Anxiety Hurt
Lonely
Embarrassed Threatened
Foolish
Guilty Overwhelmed

Rejected Stress Helplessness

Disappointment
Jealous
Contempt
Weak
Betrayal
Worry
Regret

Pain

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Anger Coping Skills
Track Your Triggers
If you use the following Anger Log regularly, your anger triggers will
eventually become clearer.

Over time, you can note the emotions, people, places and situations that
predispose you to losing your cool on the My Anger Triggers sheet.

Once you become more familiar with your triggers, you’ll be better prepared
to deal with them.

Notice Your Anger Warning Signs

People often say that their anger “just seems to come out of nowhere”,
when in fact there are several physical warning signs that anger is rising.

Recognizing and understanding these signs helps with successful anger

management.

Common anger signs include:

• Feeling hot
• Sweating
• Clenching your fists
• An increased heart rate
• Tensing your muscles
• Shaking

Next time you feel your anger levels rising, practice tuning into your body
and seeing what you notice.

Identify Unhelpful Thoughts

Studies suggest that the feeling of anger is often influenced by the thinking
pattern a person has about a situation.

Examples of thinking patterns that feed anger include catastrophizing,

blaming and overgeneralizing. We will describe what these mean shortly.

Noticing these thinking patterns without getting carried away by them

can help you manage your anger.

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Anger Coping Skills
Process Primary Emotions
Primary emotions are already present at birth and are experienced first in
any given situation. Secondary emotions occur as the result of the reaction
to the primary emotion.

Secondary emotions can be seen as learned behaviours, usually from family

and society. An example is the statement, “boys don’t cry”. A man who has
internalised this belief may respond to the primary emotion of sadness
with anger. To effectively deal with anger, it’s useful to process the primary
emotions which drive it. You can do this by reviewing the bottom half of the
anger iceberg in your Anger Log, writing down your feelings.

Develop Healthy Communication Skills

Healthy communication involves expressing your feelings, thoughts, and

beliefs in an open, yet honest manner without violating the rights of others.
It requires that the person state what occurred as a set of factual claims,
instead of judging, shaming, blaming or negatively labelling.

Practice this using the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) framework

(review the Assertiveness Worksheets in The Thinking Slow Method).

Don’t Vent Your Anger

The act of venting by using a physical outlet, such as screaming into a pillow
or hitting a punching bag, does not actually reduce our levels of anger. In fact,
venting may actually increase anger levels.

Responding to Anger Effectively

Take a time out. Walking away from a triggering situation can be the
quickest way to defuse anger.

Practice a breathing exercise. Slow down your heartrate by slowing down

your breathing. Review The Lasting Habits System for a range of exercises.

Exercise. Burn off the excess energy from anger with a brisk walk or run.

Use a distraction technique. Review The Mental Wellbeing Toolkit and

discover which distraction techniques work best for you when you’re
dealing with challenging emotions.

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Anger Log
Describe the situation below. What triggered your anger?

There are three thinking patterns which are associated with anger:
catastrophizing, blaming and overgeneralizing.

Catastrophizing: Making a mountain out of a molehill and assuming the

worst-case scenario, e.g., “The train is running late – the whole day is
probably ruined now!”

Blaming: Blaming other people rather than acknowledging your own role
in the situation, e.g., “What happened was all her fault!”

Overgeneralizing: Seeing the world and other people in all-or-nothing

terms, e.g., “You always do that and it’s so annoying!”

Try to think about the thoughts you were experiencing while feeling
angry. Write them down below. Do you notice any of the above?

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Anger Log
What were the warning signs that you were feeling angry?
Common signs include feeling hot, sweating, clenching your fists, an
increased heartbeat, tensing your muscles and shaking.

Review the anger iceberg image. Which emotions were you feeling?

Try connecting your feelings to your needs (review The Thinking Slow
Method for a reminder). Which needs did your response relate to?

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Anger Log
How did you respond in the moment?

Is there any way you might prevent this trigger from happening again?
If not, how would you like to respond in future? Which coping skills
could you have used in the moment?

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My Anger Triggers
Which emotions, people, places and situations commonly trigger
your anger?

My Anger Warning Signs

What happens in your body as you start feeling angry? Which
behaviours are you prone to? Note your personal anger warning
signs below.

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Quotes About Anger
The Root Causes of Anger
“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.” - Eckhart Tolle

“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.” - Marshall Rosenberg

“Anger always comes from frustrated expectations." - Elliott Larson

“Much everyday anger results when we confuse our own personal wants with
general moral codes. When you get mad at someone and you claim they are
acting “unfairly,” more often than not what is really going on is that they are
acting “fairly” relative to a set of standards and a frame of reference that is
different from yours.” - David Burns

“Inappropriate should and shouldn’t statements […] feed your anger. When you
find that some people’s actions are not to your liking, you tell yourself they
“shouldn’t” have done what they did, or they “should have” done something
they failed to do […] When you insist on perfection from others, you will make
yourself miserable.” - David Burns

“When we are in pain or fear, anger and hate are our go to emotions.”
- Brené Brown

“Anger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when
we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we
relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and
ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship
is more important than having a self.” - Harriet Lerner

“When a person’s speech is full of anger, it is because he or she suffers

deeply.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

“Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic

expression of an unmet need.” - Marshall Rosenberg

“Another distortion characteristic of anger-generating thoughts is mind

reading – you invent motives that explains to your satisfaction why the other
person did what he or she did. These hypotheses are frequently erroneous
because they will not describe the actual thoughts and perceptions that
motivated the other person.” - David Burns

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Quotes About Anger
The Consequences of Anger
“Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever
regret.” - Ambrose Bierce

“We are primarily responsible for our anger, but we believe very naively that
if we can say something or do something to punish the other person, we will
suffer less. This kind of belief should be uprooted. Because whatever you do
or say in a state of anger will only cause more damage in the relationship.
Instead, we should try not to do anything or say anything when we are
angry.”- Thich Nhat Hanh

“Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your
mind.” - Evan Esar

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” - Benjamin Franklin

“Anger is only one letter short of danger.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it
at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” - Buddha

“Anger is temporary but words said in anger aren't.” - Marion Bekoe

“When you say something really unkind, when you do something in retaliation,
your anger increases. You make the other person suffer, and he will try hard to
say or to do something back to get relief from his suffering. That is how conflict
escalates.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

Identifying Unhelpful Thoughts

“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply
take the time to ask, 'What else could this mean?'” - Shannon L. Alder

“Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental

thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.”
- Marshall B. Rosenberg

“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you
cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” - Thomas Kempis

“How satisfying it is to dismiss and block out any upsetting or foreign impression,

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Quotes About Anger
Identifying Unhelpful Thoughts (Cont.)
and immediately to have peace in all things.” - Marcus Aurelius

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help,
and what they cannot.” - Plato

“Every thought, word, and action plants seeds in the garden of your life. Are you
planting seeds of love, compassion, peace, or those of anger, resentment and
dissatisfaction? Choose wisely and tend your garden well.” - John Bruna

“So other people hurt me? That's their problem. Their character and actions
are not mine.” - Marcus Aurelius

Processing Primary Emotions

“Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed - angrily
blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often it’s only the tip of
the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged
feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness,
envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long
enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only
manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the
time.” - Lori Gottlieb

“Pain will subside only when we acknowledge it and care for it. Addressing it
with love and compassion would take only a minuscule percentage of the
energy it takes to fight it, but approaching pain head-on is terrifying. Most of
us were not taught how to recognize pain, name it, and be with it. Our families
and culture believed that the vulnerability that it takes to acknowledge pain
was weakness, so we were taught anger, rage, and denial instead. But what
we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own
our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.” - Brené Brown

“If you want to choose the pleasure of growth, prepare yourself for some
pain.” - Irvin Yalom

Taking a Time Out

“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one
hundred.” - Thomas Jefferson

“The greatest remedy for anger is delay.” - Seneca

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Quotes About Anger
Taking a Time Out (Cont.)
“When anger rises, think of the consequences.” - Confucius

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days
of sorrow.” - Chinese Proverb

“Patience is the direct antithesis of anger.” - Allan Lokos

“When you are angry, be still and do not speak.” - Lailah Gifty Akita

“Scores of studies have shown that venting doesn’t soothe anger; it fuels
it.” - Susan Cain

Mindfulness
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power
to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
- Viktor Frankl

“Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When
you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

“You are not the anger, you are the awareness behind the anger. Realize this
and the anger will no longer control you.” - Eckhart Tolle

“Instead of catching ourselves after we first felt angry, we develop a visceral

sensitivity to what's happening within us in the moment and through
mindfulness, we can shape our reaction right away.” - Sharon Salzberg

Exercise
"I was very fortunate to play sports. All the anger in me went out. I had to do
what I had to do. If you stay angry all the time, then you really don't have a
good life." - Willie Mays

"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." - Joseph Joubert

“Walking is man’s best medicine.” - Hippocrates

“Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional

and mental states.” - Carol Welch

“Exercise is the most potent and underutilized antidepressant.” - Bill Phillips

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Quotes About Anger
Practicing Empathy
"Anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up - to realize we
have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it
unlikely to be met. To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our need
[…] Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people
rather than meeting our needs. Instead of engaging in “righteous indignation,”
I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others.”
- Marshall Rosenberg

“The opposite of anger is not calmness, it’s empathy.” - Mehmet Oz

“People are afraid that if they let go of their anger and righteousness and wrath,
and look at their own feelings - and even see the good in a bad person - they're
going to lose the energy they need to do something about the problem. But
actually, you get more strength and energy by operating from a place of love and
concern. You can be just as tough, but more effectively tough.” - Robert Thurman

“When you look deeply into your anger, you will see that the person you call your
enemy is also suffering. As soon as you see that, the capacity for accepting and
having compassion for them is there.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

My Favourite Quotes

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