Should You Kick The Dog - 3 Secrets To Control Your Anger

Should You Kick The Dog?
- 3 Secrets to Control
Your Anger
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60
seconds of peace of mind.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Contents
What Is Anger?
Identify The Hook
Identify The Need
Fill The Need
How to Deal with Someone Who is in a Rage?
Time Out
Art of Detachment
Denial (Anger in Disguise)
Anger Displacement
Three Important “Don’ts” of Anger Management
New Beginnings: Optimal Anger
What Is Anger?
Anger is a natural, though sometimes unwanted or irrational emotion

which everyone experiences from time to time.
Anger experts describe the emotion as a primary, natural emotion

which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from
what is considered wrongdoing.
Anger can also be a ‘secondary emotion’ to feeling sad, frightened,

threatened, or lonely.
Identify The Hook
Picture that you are a fish in the sea. There are triggers with hooks
surrounding you. In the event that you chomp, the snare will drag you
out.
Similarly, for the duration of the day, there are numerous hooks lying
around. These hooks can possibly trigger your outrage in the event
that you chomp. In the event that you can begin distinguishing what
the hooks are, you can abstain from gnawing by any means.
There are two classifications your guides will probably fall into.
Shamefulness or Incompetence.
Examples:
"He's not assuming any liability and saying this is all my issue."
(shamefulness)
"My technician didn't do an appropriate work installing my battery.

What a numb-skull!" (ineptitude)
Incorporate it:
Take a journal with you for seven days. Each time you get set off for
outrage, record it. Recognize if this is a direct result of unfairness or
ineptitude. What are the examples? The more you understand what
triggers you, the more you'll have the option to explore around them
when they show up.
Obviously, this tool, by itself, isn't fool-proof. You'll definitely chomp
the hook occasionally. That is normal! This is essentially an initial step
while in journey to dealing with your anger.
Identify The Need
The central principle of anger management is that anger occurs when

a need is frustrated. Beyond basic needs for food, clothing, and
shelter, the needs most frequently embedded in the anger-provoking
situation can be broadly grouped into two categories:
1. Respect and a desire to be understood.

2. Territory, either physical or psychological.
Most of the time we are unaware that one or both of these important
needs have been frustrated when we become angry. As you
remember whatever occurrence had you seething- making you
mind-blind with rage- ask yourself this elemental question: Was one of
these two needs violated? Did I become angry because someone or
something failed to show me the respect I rightfully deserve? Did they
understand what I was trying to communicate? Was there some
encroachment on my territory, my turf, my personal space? Were both
of these important needs challenged?
Fill The Need
Now that we have become familiar with what makes us angry- and
with the fact that when a trigger or hook appears, it generally means a
need fulfillment is being threatened- it’s time to learn more about Step
Three of anger management.
Needs are more basic and essential than wants or desires, which are
preferences. For example, we need food, but the choice of whether it’s
fish, meat or vegetables is a want o r desire. Similarly, we may need
transportation, but whether to take a bus, train or car is a want.
A central principle of this book is that people are often angered

because their needs for respect and territory are threatened or not
met. Recognizing and filling those needs is a key part of anger
management. The point here: need fulfillment is necessary for
well-being. Competing wants and desires are, however, much more
negotiable. For instance, if we both are hungry (a need), but you want
Indian food and I prefer Chinese, we must find a compromise: perhaps
the South Indian food. If we don’t fill our need for food, of course, we
will both be unhappy.
How to Deal with Someone Who is in a Rage?
Listen without interruption to a person who is in a rage. It is not easy.

But, an individual’s anger, however irrational to you, always makes
sense to him in the moment. Let the person finish his remarks. You
can even ask if he has finished and if it’s OK to respond now. Do your
best to mirror what he is saying so he believes that you are at least
trying to understand his point of view. This often helps to calm things
down.
The least effective way is to challenge the enraged individual. This is

like waving a red flag in front of a charging bull- it only makes the bull
charge harder. If you find you cannot make a headway- if an angry
person is totally unreceptive- the best course is to respectfully leave
the scene. You might say, “It doesn’t seem as if what I am saying is
coming across. If we continue, we might say things that will leave us
both feeling hurt, and nothing will be resolved. So, let’s plan to revisit
this at a time when we can get through to one another more
effectively.” This tactic may take some self-restraint, but it will give a
difficult situation the best chance for resolution. As some psychologist
has pointed out, “Anger is the emotion that makes a bad situation
worse.”
Time Out
One valuable tool we can adopt is the time-out. The wisdom of a

time-out was noted as far back as the sixteenth century. Thomas
Jefferson in his famous admonition, “If angry count to ten, if very angry
count to one hundred.” For adults, a time-out has to be self-initiated, of
course, but the principle is to consciously separate yourself from
whatever is making you angry. Go to another room. Take a walk. If the
anger-provoking issue is a looming and complex one, you may need a
longer time-out. That is, you may have to give yourself some days or
weeks- some greater mental distance- to mull things over and decide
your most effective response. In effect, you are trying to unhook and
let your emotional wounds heal.
One important thing to remember is whenever you initiate a time-out:

you cannot revisit the source of your anger too quickly.
Art of Detachment
The dictionary definition of detachment is “the act or process of

disconnecting or detaching; separation.” Without the capacity to
detach, we are forever at the mercy of our impulses, rather than our
intelligence. We stay reactive. And, we simply react as we always
have, there will no improvement in our capacity to manage anger.
Stand back from your own fury. Like any acquired skill, detachment
doesn’t happen overnight, nor does it occur without a few setbacks
and missteps (yes, there will still be times when you will be too
immersed in your angry reactions to see things as a detached
onlooker). But like any acquired skill, detachment improves with
practice. And learning to observe your won behavior will help you
become both more insightful and less impulsive.
Denial (Anger in Disguise)
People can literally be angry without even knowing it: such individuals
often have a pattern of understanding themselves more through their
thoughts than their feelings. They can become adept at using denial
as a “blocking device” to hold anything at bay.
Instead of acknowledging their own anger, some individuals become

overly judgemental, taking aim at anything or anyone who appears to
challenge their belief system. Denial and self-delusion protect us
against anger, depression, and anxiety. Denial lends itself to moral
posturing, hypocritical commentary, and disapproval of the world at
large and family members in particular. The judgmentally angry
person tends to hold a rigid view of what is right and wrong, and her
conversation is filled with many references to “shoulds”.
Passive-aggressive behavior is another form of anger in disguise. For

example, “You would look so great if only you could do something with
that hair….” are typical ways that individuals manage to deny their
anger and simultaneously make it known to others.
Anger management does not mean anger denial. Rather, it means

consciously choosing how to respond to the anger-provoking events,
and making choices that are respectful to both yourself and others.
How do you know if you’re angry and don’t know it? After all, denial-by
definition-means that you are cut off from your awareness. One way to
find out is to collect opinions from the (trusted) people around you.
Next time someone makes an observation that you seem angry, try to
use it as an opportunity to gather feedback. Try to be open to the
possibility that you may be angrier than you realize. Then seek to
maximize rather than minimize the information you get from others:
you may find it enlightening.
Anger Displacement
This concept is better understood with the help of an example where a

disgruntled general would get angry at the at the colonel who gets
angry at the major-- and so on, all the way down the chain of
command-- to the private, who comes home and yells at his wife , who
gets angry at the children, who in turn kick the dog! When we displace
our anger, we symbolically “kick the dog”: that is, express rage not
toward our real target but toward a far less threatening alternative.
Part of good anger management is knowing how to identify and

address the source of your anger-- and then direct your response
accordingly.
Three Important “Don’ts” of Anger Management
1. Do not criticize when angry: Like fine wine, criticism “goes down”
best in a calm moment.
2. Do not use abusive language or resort to physical attacks: If you

sense you are on the verge of becoming verbally or physically
abusive, take a time-out. Quickly, definitively, right then and
there.
3. Do not threaten ‘rejection’ or ‘abandonment’: Words like these

cut very deep and can leave lasting scars.
Effective anger management may seem like a complicated list of dos

and don’ts, tempered with much advice on when to “take time out” or
“not go there.” But the rewards of living in a thriving, happy family--
where anger is managed in a healthy way-- will be enormous.
New Beginnings: Optimal Anger
Optimal, by definition, means the most desirable possible.
To function successfully in our complex world it is necessary for us to

possess the capacity not only to express our anger but also not to
express it. Moreover, we must possess the capacity to express our
anger in different ways. At times, for instance, it is necessary to
express it only after much deliberation and self-evaluation. At other
times, it is more to our benefit to express it immediately and
spontaneously. Sometimes, it is best to express it coldly and calmly; at
other times, loudly and hotly….To handle our anger with full adequacy
and competence, an elaborate, flexible response system is required.

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Should You Kick The Dog?

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger is a natural, though sometimes unwanted or irrational emotion

Anger experts describe the emotion as a primary, natural emotion

Anger can also be a ‘secondary emotion’ to feeling sad, frightened,

"My technician didn't do an appropriate work installing my battery.

The central principle of anger management is that anger occurs when

1. Respect and a desire to be understood.

A central principle of this book is that people are often angered

Listen without interruption to a person who is in a rage. It is not easy.

The least effective way is to challenge the enraged individual. This is

One valuable tool we can adopt is the time-out. The wisdom of a

One important thing to remember is whenever you initiate a time-out:

The dictionary definition of detachment is “the act or process of

Instead of acknowledging their own anger, some individuals become

Passive-aggressive behavior is another form of anger in disguise. For

Anger management does not mean anger denial. Rather, it means

This concept is better understood with the help of an example where a

Part of good anger management is knowing how to identify and

2. Do not use abusive language or resort to physical attacks: If you

3. Do not threaten ‘rejection’ or ‘abandonment’: Words like these

Effective anger management may seem like a complicated list of dos

Optimal, by definition, means ​the most desirable possible.

To function successfully in our complex world it is necessary for us to

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Optimal, by definition, means the most desirable possible.