C O U N S E L L I N G S E R V I C E S

ASSERTIVENESS SKILLS WORKBOOK

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 How Assertive are You?
Answer the following questions honestly. They will help you gain insight into how assertive you
are, as well as what areas you can improve upon in your life. Assign a number using this scale:

1 2 3 4 5
Never ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Always

score Statements of Assertiveness

1. I seem to stand up for myself as well as I would like to.

2. I hesitate to accept invitations to social gatherings because of “shyness.”

3. I am extremely careful to avoid hurting other people’s feelings.

4. When I am requested to do something that I don’t want to do, I insist upon asking why.

5. I would rather apply for a job by writing letters than by going through a personal interview.

6. When I am with a group of people, I express my opinion.

7. People take advantage of me.

8. I don’t enjoy starting conversations with new acquaintances and strangers.

9. When I am wrong about something, I freely admit it.

10. I find it embarrassing to return something I’ve purchased.

11. I am open and frank about my feelings.

12. During an argument, I am afraid that I will get so upset that I will shake all over.

13. If a person in authority accused me of doing something I did not do, I would make sure s/he
hears my point of view.

14. I tend to be overly apologetic.

15. If a close and respected person were annoying me, I would hide my feelings rather than
express myself.

16. If someone borrows $10.00 from me and seems to have forgotten about it, I remind her/him
about the debt.

17. I have a hard time saying “no” to people.

18. When someone shows that they love or care for me, I just don’t know what to do.

19. When someone interrupts me in the middle of an important conversation, I ask him/her to
wait until I have finished.

20. I avoid asking questions for fear of sounding stupid.

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 Assertiveness

What does it mean to be assertive?

Learning to be assertive is like learning anything. It takes education to learn how to do it and practice
to build confidence with a new skill!

Assertive communication involves standing up for your own rights but with respect for the rights of
others. Therefore, assertive behaviours relay your needs and requests in a straightforward manner,
while still providing an open and respectful dialogue.

By being assertive, you recognize that everyone has equal rights to expressing themselves.
Assertiveness allows you to feel positive about yourself by the way you treat others, leading to an
increase in your self-esteem.

What assertiveness is not...

Assertiveness does not involve
manipulative, submissive,
aggressive or passive aggressive
behaviours.

• Manipulation: This occurs

when people attempt to have
their needs met by making
others feel guilty or sorry for
them. Those who manipulate
often take on the role of a victim or martyr.

• Passive: Giving in to other’s preferences while ignoring your own rights or needs. When
being submissive, you do not let others know what you are thinking or what you prefer. Often,
you feel guilty when you do express your feelings.

• Aggressive: directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and
beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate and always violates rights of the
other person

• Passive aggressive: Being passive aggressive involves concealing your true emotions
towards a person or event and instead, expressing anger in a contradictory way.

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 What can You do to be More Assertive?

Learn your rights

• All human beings have certain basic rights. By being assertive, we recognize these rights and take
responsibility in protecting them when they are disregarded by others.

• Some personal rights that are important, but often forgotten, include:

• The right to ask for what I want

• The right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet

• The right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative

• The right to change my mind

• The right to make mistakes and not be perfect

• The right to follow my own values and beliefs

• The right to determine my own priorities

• The right to my own needs for personal space and time

Recognize barriers to assertiveness

• Self-defeating beliefs: Beliefs that are unrealistic and negative self-statements. Often times we
aren’t aware of when we think negatively towards ourselves and how this affects our behaviours.
The more positively we think, the greater our self-esteem will be.

• Skills deficit: Many skills needed to become assertive aren’t taught to us in school. Lacking
verbal and nonverbal skills become a barrier to being assertive. Attending workshops,
counselling and/or practice can help develop these skills.

• Anxiety and stress: Even though we may know how to be assertive, stress and anxiety may
become barriers to implementing this behaviour. By managing everyday stressors, assertive
behaviours will become easier to implement.

• Cultural influence: In some cultures, assertiveness is not valued as much as it is in Western

societies. If this is the case for you, it is helpful to understand the benefits of being assertive,
while comparing it to being non-assertive, aggressive or passive aggressive.

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 Components of Behaviour Addressed in
Assertiveness Training

Non-Verbal Behaviour:

• Non-assertive: Characterized by moving away behaviours e.g., downcast eyes, shifting of

weight, slumped body, wringing of hands, whining, hesitant behavior or giggly tone of
voice
• Aggressive: Characterized by moving against behaviours e.g., glaring eyes, leaning
forward or pointing a finger, raised, snickering or haughty tone of voice
• Assertive: Characterized by facing up behaviours e.g., good eye contact, standing
comfortably but firmly, strong steady voice

Verbal Language:

• Non-assertive: Includes qualifiers e.g., (maybe, I guess, I wonder if you could, would you
mind very much, don’t you think)
• Fillers: (E.g., ug, well, you know)
• Negators: (E.g., it’s not really important, don’t bother)
• Aggressive: Threats, put downs, evaluative comments, sexist or racist terms
• Assertive: “I” statements, co-operative words, emphatic statements of interest.

Emotional:

• Non-Assertive: internalizes feelings and tensions

• Aggressive: Inappropriate anger, rage, hate
• Assertive: Awareness of feelings; deals with feelings as they occur

! Inadequate Actions (passive) ! Reduced Anxiety

Self-Doubt! ! ! Increased
! ! ! ! Anxiety Increased ! ! Assertion
confidence ! !

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 Communicating Assertively
Making requests

• Be clear about what you want

• Listen for alternatives or compromises

• Don’t say “no” to yourself and don’t apologize
• Don’t down play the importance
Handling Criticism

• Relax and listen carefully. Paraphrasing can help

• Avoid long, self-critical or rational excuses

• Stick to the issue. Avoid counter-attacks
• Ask for examples and suggestions

• Use “I” statements. Share your feelings about the

criticism

• Keep your voice low and speak slowly

Saying “No”

• Think it over first and/or ask for time to consider your

options

• Be brief! Give your explanation for your answer, but not

an excuse

• It may help to mention your feelings and thoughts

about the request

• Don’t forget, you can always change a “yes” to a “no”and saying “no” doesn’t mean you should
feel guilty

Giving Criticism

• Plan in advance what you want to say. Use examples, but don’t overload a person
• Give positive feedback

• Concentrate on the problem

• Set aside an appropriate time and place

• Maintain eye contact; look and sound serious

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Practice assertiveness

• Saying “No”: Remember the importance of your rights and beliefs. Think about the other
person’s request, acknowledge their request and say no firmly while explaining your
reasoning

• Ex., “I understand that you’d really like to get

together tonight (acknowledgement). It turns out I’ve
had a really long day and feel exhausted (explanation),
so I have to say no (saying no)”

• Ex., You’re in the bank and the teller asks for the next
customer in line. Although it is your turn, someone
else steps forward. You say ____________________.

• Making requests: This is an important step in becoming assertive. When making requests,
you simply have to ask in a straightforward manner. Always
be sure to use assertive and respectful non-verbal behaviour.
Stay calm! When asking, try to have only one request at a
time and be specific about what it is that you would like.
Remember to use the “I statements” previously discussed
and never be apologetic.

• Ex., Michelle would like to study in quiet but her

boyfriend, John, tends to distract her with loud music
and activities that can be done elsewhere. If you were
Michelle, how would you request that John be more conscientious of your rights?
Remember to evaluate your rights and consequences of the actions. Express your
request directly.

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 How to Practice Assertiveness?
In order to respond assertively try phrasing your request using what is called a DESC script.

The DESC script was developed by Sharon and Gordon Bower and is discussed more fully in
their book, Asserting Yourself. DESC stands for Describe, Express, Specify, and Consequences. Try
practicing the script for several situations that you just identified. You should try writing the
script out and practicing it before you talk to the person.

•Describe: Describe the behavior/situation as completely and objectively as possible. Just the
facts! "The last time, my brother George came to visit, I cleaned the entire house all by myself."

•Express: Express your feelings and thoughts about the situation/behavior. Try to phrase your
statements using "I", and not "You". Beginning sentences with "You" often puts people on the
defensive, which means they won't listen to you. "As a result, I felt exhausted and angry."

•Specify: Specify what behavior/outcome you would prefer to happen. "I would like the two
of us to work on cleaning the house."

•Consequences: Specify the consequences (both positive and negative). "If we both work
together, the house will be cleaned up faster and we can all enjoy his visit together." Or "If we
work together, I will be less tired and irritable."

Passive Assertive Aggressive

Source: Adapted from Positive Coping Skills Toolbox VA Mental Illness Research, Education, and Clinical Centers (MIRECC)
http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/assertiveness.html

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 Rules for Assertive DESC Scripts

DO DON’T
DESCRIBE

D1. Describe the other person’s behaviour D1. Describe your emotional reaction to it
objectively
D2. Use concrete terms D2. Use abstract, vague terms
D3. Describe a specified time, place and frequency D3. Generalize “all the time”
of the action
D4. Describe the actions, not the “motive” D4. Guess the person’s motives

EXPRESS

E1. Express your feelings E1. Deny your feelings

E2. Express them calmly E2. Unleash emotional outbursts
E3. State feelings in a positive manner E3. State feelings negatively
E4. Direct yourself to the specific offending E4. Attack the entire character of the person
behaviour, not to the whole person

SPECIFY
S1. Merely imply that you would like change
S1. Ask explicitly for change in the person’s
S2. Ask for too large a change
behaviour
S3. Ask for too many changes
S2. Request a small change
S3. Request only one or two changes at a time
S4. Ask for changes in traits or qualities
S4. Specify the actions you wish to see stopped
S5. Take account of whether the person can meet
S5. Ignore the other person’s needs
your request without suffering large losses
S6. Specify what you are willing to change to make
the agreement
S6. Consider that only the other person has to
change

CONSEQUENCES

C1. Make the consequences explicit C1. Be ashamed to talk about rewards/
C2. Give positive reward for change punishments
C3. Select manageable rewards and punishments C2. Give only punishments
for the outcomes C3. Make exaggerated threats

From: Bower, (1991). Asserting Yourself.

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 DESC in Action

Poor Scripts Better Scripts

Your part of the group project was due today

D You never do your part of the group assignment and I didn’t receive it.
on time!

I feel irritated and frustrated when I am waiting

E What’s with you?! You’re so lazy!
on your work. I need it to be able to finish my
part of the group assignment.

I would like to have your work in by no later

S When are you going to get your work done?!
than this Friday.

C If you can meet this deadline, we all will be able

If you continue to miss group deadlines, we’ll kick
to get our work in on time and not get a penalty
you out of the group!
for lateness.

From: Bower, (1991). Asserting Yourself.

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 Practicing Assertive Scripts

• Example 1: With my boyfriend who is aggressive with me.

• D:

• E:

• S: .

• C:

• Example 2:
• D:

• E:

• S:

C:

• Example 3:
• D:

• E:

• S:

• C:

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